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Doing the Nasty

by Present Perfect


Cruel mirth bubbled up Nightmare Moon's throat like oil in a derrick as she surveyed Equestria -- her Equestria -- from the highest balcony of Canterlot castle.  To the south, a ruin of smoldering embers marked where the wretched hamlet of Ponyville, long the bane of her existence, once lay.  Further east, the fires of Hoofington, last bastion of all who had dared to stand against her, still blazed, their bright, flickering pinpricks an insult to her glorious night.  Soon, they too would be extinguished and the darkness -- cold, peaceful, tame -- would reign supreme.


She indulged in triumphant laughter, laying aside all notions of villainous cliché.  Lightning streaked overhead as she reared back on her hind legs and allowed all the suffering and humiliation that she had born at her sister's hoof to flow outward.  It had been a millennium and then some of pain and toil, but it had all been worthwhile.  Finally, she was enjoying herself.


"Having a good time, are we, my little rainbow of darkness?"


The melodious and far too amused voice shut her up.  Her inky cheeks rouged in embarrassment at having been caught in the act of rejoicing; she cleared her throat.


"Merely reveling in the victory which lies beneath my hooves, my dear.  The wastelands are lovely tonight, don't you think?"


Comporting herself, she turned around to view the draconequus.  He sat midair, observing her with a smirk on his mismatched features.  His head rested on his upturned eagle arm, supported by an invisible ledge to one side.  He turned his attention to his lion paw, wiggling the fingers as he pondered it, before moving his gaze back to her.


"The latest reports out of Manehattan say that the Elements have crushed the final rebellion strongholds.  At long last, our coup is complete!" His lips parted into a thin smile.


"Excellent!" She spread her wings and closed her eyes, savoring a long breath of the cool night air.  That crispness she tasted: it must have been freedom.  "I haven't felt so utterly fantastic in centuries!  And I couldn't have done it without you, my delicious dragon roll."


Discord scrunched his face up joyfully, clenching fists to cheeks as he cooed at her. "Oh, my lady Nightmare Moon, you are too kind!  My part was but a small one; it was, after all, your plan which has brought about such thorough success this evening."


She allowed herself to smile at the praise, and his modesty.  Discord's primary usefulness had lain in his ability to corrupt the Elements of Harmony, bending their bearers to her will.  With her training, they had formed into an unstoppable shock troop.  Together, the six ponies had single-hoofedly destroyed more than two-thirds of the mobilized resistance.  That that very resistance had been shoddily organized and spread thin across the city-states of Equestria did not belie the power of the Elements of Discord -- the name an indulgence which she weathered good-naturedly; they were his creation, after all -- as a truly terrifying conquering force.


"My good Discord, do not sell yourself short!  We have gained victory this night that neither of us had been able to attain on our own."


He grinned at her and bowed with a flourish.


Discord was an odd duck, to say the least.  Working with him had been far easier than she could have hoped.  Villainous types such as they tended to clash after extended partnerships, but he was very careful never to get under her skin.  He had let her make the big decisions, and had supported her at nearly every turn, always phrasing his objections in the most delicate manner possible whenever he felt that she was being rash.  His counsel had proved irreplaceable, and he knew how to stay on her good side, despite her lingering worry that he was far and away the stronger of them.  The pet names were something he had started, as well, and she had found them too amusing to ignore.  The banter kept their professional relationship fresh and mentally stimulating.  How many things could a being such as he be compared to, after all?


She let her eyes rove his form, taking in the anatomical discrepancies that were the entirety of his countenance.  Studying him at such a close range, she found herself amazed that he was able to function as a living entity.  His various parts joined together in an entirely impossible fashion, never accounting for discrepancies in size, and ignoring wholesale all hint of evolution.  Of course, she couldn't even be certain that what she saw was his true form, and indeed she was convinced that it wasn't.


He raised a single eyebrow. "Something on your mind, my dark nebula?"


Her lips trembled.  "I was just considering..." She drew in a breath.  "We ought to celebrate our achievement, don't you think?"


He rubbed his hands together.  "Ooh, and what did you have in mind?  I'll have you know I make killer mai tais!"


A smile worked its way out of her. "I was thinking more of a... consummation, to mark the beginning of our new reign." She cleared her throat; heat rose into her face.


Could she be truly contemplating this?  He wasn't anything to look at, that much was certain; but then laying every solid piece of flank in the palace had always been her sister's modus operandi.  Certainly, a pony as refined and dignified as she was capable of looking beyond the purely superficial to the personality of the creature beneath, was she not?


His eyes darkened, and for a moment her heart fluttered in trepidation.


"Our reign?" His lip curled.  "I do believe you mean your reign, my licorice gumdrop.  I had my fill of ruling millennia ago." A porcelain ewer popped into existence in front of him, and from it flowed a stream of water.  He wrung his hands together in the stream.  "My goal was simply to get revenge on your sister and ensure my freedom.  You are welcome to have all the mindless paperwork and endless council meetings your heart desires." The ewer vanished and he flicked his hands dry, his head lifted haughtily all the while.


"I never knew you felt that way, Cordie..."


"Oh, but I do." He vanished, appearing so near beside her that their wings tangled.  He drew his snout close to hers.  "Now what sort of 'consummation' was this that you had in mind, exactly?"


She pawed at the ground, suddenly unable to meet his gaze.  "Well, I...  I was thinking...  What I mean is...  That is, if you were interested..."


There was a pause, and then she swore she could hear a creak as his eyebrows lifted skyward.  "Oh-ho, do my ears deceive me?  The redoubtable Nightmare Moon has a crush?  On me?"


For a moment, she feared he was mocking her, but when she looked up, his face was a picture not of mirth, but of pure delight.


"Dearest Nightmare, why didn't you just say so?" He spread his arms and leapt into the air.  "I would be honored to... consummate, as you say, our triumph."  He manifested a black cravat and a bottle of wine, which he set between two long-stemmed glasses atop a small table which had just as suddenly emerged from nothingness.


Something dark and feathery quivered within her breast.  "Oh, Discord..."


She leaned forward, closing her eyes, her lips pursed in anticipation.  She hung there for a heartbeat before a tremendous electric shock struck the tip of her nose.  Her body twitched violently and she was flung backward through the air.  She yelped as she landed in a most undignified manner some lengths behind where she had stood, on her stomach and with both wings and all four legs splayed outward.


Discord sucked in a tremulous breath, eyes closed, lion hand still extended with one finger outstretched.  His mouth turned upward in utter bliss.  "Was it good for you?"


"What in the moonless night was that?" Her hissed through clenched teeth, her voice quivering with rage as she struggled to regain both her footing and some of her thoroughly trampled self-esteem.


He placed a hand on his chest, his tone offended. "What was what?  I thought you wanted to bear my foal!" He pouted.  "Oh, Nightmare Moon, you wound me."


"Bear your what?" She looked down at herself, eyes wide, and realized that, yes, there was definitely something... odd about her now.  Fuzziness was the only word she could use to describe the sensation, a prevailing warmth that was spreading gradually throughout her entire body.


Discord put a finger to his jutting lower lip.  "Did I do something wrong?"


She snarled. "I was talking about physical gratification, you twit!  A roll in the hay!  Knocking hooves!  A little of the old rumpy-pumpy, not a-- a special effect!  What did you do to me?"


Her surprise adversary seemed taken aback, his features falling in chastisement.  "My apologies, darling, it seems I took your advances in entirely the wrong fashion!" He looped about in midair, landing on his back and reclining.  His lip curled in a sneer.


"But such acts as you had in mind are so... unseemly." He polished his eagle claw on his chest, examining it at arm's length as he spoke.  "Savage, mindless animals do that sort of thing.  What you just experienced is how my kind 'do it', as they say.  Or they would, if I weren't the only one." He suddenly clasped his hands together, his features transforming into a wistful grin.


"Oh, but just think of it!  I'm going to be a daddy!" He squealed, holding his cheeks.  "I never realized until now just how much I wanted to have an offspring!  And throwing a few dark alicorn parts into the mix will certainly improve on a form that can already be described only as 'perfection'!"  He sighed and turned over onto his front, head perched on his hands.  Little images began to dance in front of his face, depicting dark alicorn foals with assorted bits of dragon and goat emerging from their bodies.


As she watched the images prance about his head, her stomach churned.  Perhaps it was the aforementioned offspring churning within her, already taking hold of her body and making her its own.


"Take it back!" she snapped.  "Whatever you did, surely you can undo it!" Panic rose into her voice.  She found the air to be in short supply.


"Oh, perish the thought!" Discord raised a hand to his forehead.  "Create a life only to destroy it mere moments later?  Really, Nightmare Moon, when they said you were a monster, I had thought it an exaggeration." He tsk-tsked, shaking his head.


"Ohh, that's it!" With a cry of rage, she leapt at him, surprised when she managed to knock him from his nonexistent perch before he teleported away.  "You did this to me, you bastard!"


"Temper, temper," he said flatly, waving a finger at her.  "You must think of your condition!  You really ought to put the safety of the child first, you know."


She aimed a bolt of lightning at him from her horn, but succeeded only in destroying a statue of her likeness as he blinked out of the line of fire.  More statues were rent to dust and gravel as she unleashed lightning again and again, despite the increasing ease with which he was able to dodge them.  Before long she began panting; by this time, he was wearing a sweatband, leg warmers and headphones, and simply jogging along ahead of her attacks, a few feet off the ground.


"Perhaps I was hasty in my evaluation of your maternal instincts," he said, more to himself than her.  A scroll and quill appeared in front of him, and he made a large X through an item on the list.  "A shame, really; but then, we all have our flaws." The scroll disappeared with a puff of smoke and he grinned at her.  "A little known fact: mine is macramé!"


Her knees gave out and she landed hard on her rump.  "This can't... be happening..." Tears filled her eyes as she stared in disbelief at the marble tiled balcony floor.  "I can't be..."


She lifted her head, gazing past Discord to the moon, where the likeness of her sister, imprisoned there for all eternity, gazed down upon Equestria.  She was certain it was grinning at her.


"This is all your fault!" she cried, shaking her hoof at the satellite.  "You planned this somehow; you knew this would happen!  You... you can stop him, you did it before!"


Discord cleared his throat. "I believe this is my cue to exit.  Until you're in better spirits, my black hole." He bowed, winking out of sight and leaving her with only her rage and his unborn child for companions.


"Damn you, Celestia!" she shouted, sinking to the floor and covering her face with both forehooves.  "Damn you, damn you!" She wailed and pounded the floor with a hoof, her voice cracking and coming out as little more than a whisper.  "Help me, sister, please..."


As the tears streamed freely from her eyes, she could swear she heard Celestia's laughter, echoing forever through her cold, peaceful, perfect night.




"Damn you, Celesti-- whoa!"


Luna awoke to the sound of her own voice, in a tangle of sheets on the floor.  While the quilt she had received as a gift from Twilight Sparkle and her friends in Ponyville remained neatly arranged atop her bed, the rest of her blankets had somehow slipped out from beneath it, entombing her.


"What sort of dream was that?" she asked them as she struggled to disengage her wings from the pile.  She noted with dismay that one blanket had been neatly pierced by her horn.  It was the second time that month a set of sheets had been ruined in that fashion, though the last time had not involved quite so bizarre a dream.


As she pondered the visions she had just experienced, she had a terrible thought.  Swallowing, disentangling the sheet from her back hooves, she closed her eyes and focused her thoughts to a place deep within the recesses of her being, one that she did not look to without good cause.


"Are you there?"


A pause; then, Of course I'm here.


That was odd.  Though the dark voice still echoed as it always had through the unfathomable reaches of her soul, it sounded... petulant, like a filly scolded for some misdeed, who had decided she wouldn't be speaking with her parents anymore.


What do you want?


"Can you tell me what that dream meant?"


Is this what our relationship has become?  Am I no more than an armchair therapist to interpret your dreams?  The voice huffed.  Anyway, how should I know?  It was your subconscious that created it.


"But you saw it, didn't you?"


Yes.  There was a shudder.  You want to know what it means?  It means you're sick in the head.  I can't believe I had to get stuck in here with mare as perverse as you.


"As me?  But, what..."


You know exactly what!  Using images like that to keep me under control; it's vile, despicable even!  Couldn't you at least have the decency to conjure up a torture chamber?  Chain me over a lake of fire?  What about an anthill and some honey?  Anything would be preferable to that.


"I'm... sorry."


I'm sure you are, Princess.  Don't bother me with inanities again.


The presence went still, and she knew there would be no more speaking to it for the time being.


Luna stared at her bed, eyes wide.  Had she just apologized to the Nightmare?  And for having a nightmare of her own, no less?  The evening -- or afternoon, rather, judging by the angle of the sun -- was getting off to an unspeakably odd beginning, to put it lightly.


She stretched, having fully disembarked from the pile of blankets and sheets at long last, and made her way to the eastern window of the tower in which her room was located.  Celestia had given her the freedom to stay in any room in the castle, and she had picked this one for its elevation and view.  The angle was perfect for stargazing, and as she was now awake earlier than usual, the sun gave her an opportunity to look out over the enormous hedge maze in the garden and the various statuary surrounding it.  It was a most pleasing tableau from this height.


Below, a mulberry mare led a group of half a dozen foals through those very statues, stopping to gesture at each in turn.  Luna smiled.  It was good to see ponies out, enjoying Canterlot and all the wonderful sights it had to offer.  She still felt like a sightseer herself, most days.  Her smile grew wider as three fillies began arguing noisily; she could almost hear their quarrel from her tower, and the sight appealed to her mischievous side.


"Ah, youth..."


That drew her thoughts back to the dream and the image that haunted her: pregnancy, and by such an odd creature, too.  She shook her head; at least with her divinity, that was one thing she didn't have to worry about ever happening accidentally.  The mind was a truly marvelous place, for all the wonders it could conjure.


She drew in a deep breath and closed her eyes.  "I suppose I'm awake, then.  Perhaps I'll write a letter to Twilight Sparkle; she always seems to have an insight into things dealing with the Nightmare.  And then perhaps I'll go down to the garden and see if those fillies have resolved their tiff." Her stomach grumbled.  "Ah, but breakfast first, or I suppose it would be lunch now.  Yes; the garden can wait."


And the Princess of the Moon turned towards her chamber door, resolving to do all of those things once she had eaten.




Author's Note: I came up with this idea shortly after S2E1 aired.  I mostly just wanted to write it so I could say, "FIRST!" but I ended up having a lot of fun with it.  No deep messages or grand schemes, just goofing around and finding out that I enjoy writing Nightmare Moon.  I wish I had cause to do so more often.


All I can say beyond that is this could use a slightly better picture (I cobbled this one together from random vectors I GIS'd) and as always, you can contact me at [email protected] about anything.  I got a lot of good feedback that way for Fluttershy Goes to Hell, so Imma include my e-mail in these final ANs from now on.

Thanks to Kim Fluttershy Dykas for a nice review on Ponychan, and to Siraj for the “moonless night” line; that was good.