The Equestria Inquirer
Issue #10 Ponyville, November 1, 2011
THE FIRST EVER CUTIE MARK CRUSADER INQUIRER!
By Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom
Hello Equestria! We are the Cutie Mark Crusaders and we are proud to present the Equestria Inquirer’s special All-Freelance Issue! Joe wanted me to thank you guys with some gushy letter thanking you for reading or something, but I thought it’d be better for me to write the opening instead.
The staff at the EI went to China with Sweetie Belle’s and Applebloom’s sisters. Since I was the first to ask, Joe Stevens gave the keys to the office to me, Scootaloo! I’m the bestest writer in Ponyville, or I will be once I get my journalism cutie mark, so I’m totally going to make this the best issue ever! Sweetie Belle is trying for her photography cutie mark so she’s taking pictures, if she can find a camera, and Applebloom is our investigating reporter. She’s already been arrested in a warzone (and I already faked a warzone) so we’re just like real reporters!
Since Joe’s not here to say no, we’re officially renaming the EI the Cutie Mark Crusader Inquirer! I wanted to call it the Scootaloo Inquirer but Sweetie Belle thought it should be called the Pretty Inquirer so Applebloom came up with the compromise. Anyway, the CCI is here to stay! At least until Joe gets back from China.
You guys sure did submit a lot of freelance articles! Thanks a bunch for all the bribes by the way. I’m not sure if Joe normally gives favoritism to freelance articles submitted with cupcakes, but it sure helped make our decisions! Anyway, I wanted to do a comprehensive analysis of Rainbow Dash’s loop-di-boom move for the whole issue but Applebloom said that wouldn’t be as fun, so we hope you enjoy these articles.
Stories Written by You!
PRINCESS LUNA THE LEADING CAUSE OF HEARING LOSS
By Spiritus Arcane
Canterlot medical officials suffered a brief scare when they discovered many of Equestria’s leading history scholars were turning up without most or all of their hearing. However, the panic was brief as investigation quickly discovered that all those affected had recently been involved in interviews with the returned Princess Luna.
Since her return from a 1000 year exile, scholars from all over Equestria have been clamoring to get Luna’s insight on the state of the world as it was back then. Unfortunately, our younger Princess is still adjusting to modern times and customs, and one of the many things she is behind the times on is speech protocols. It seems that 1000 years ago it was customary for the Princesses to address others in what was known as the ‘Royal Speaking Voice.’ This involves the magical amplification of said voice to wall-rattling levels. Naturally, this isn’t very conducive to one’s hearing when on the other side of an extended conversation with somepony using the ‘voice.’
Research into ancient royal customs shows that the use of the Royal Voice was abandoned shortly after the invention of the microphone, the first use of which by Princess Celestia during a Summer Sun Celebration speech resulted in the mass deafening of the entire Canterlot royal court and extensive vibration damage to surrounding structures.
Luckily, all those affected thus far have only temporary damage, and are expected to make full recoveries. However, it is advised that further interviews with the Night Princess be…delayed, for the time being.
EQUESTRIAN PRISON SYSTEM IN SHAMBLES
With all of Equestria unnerved over the escapes of super villains Nightmare Moon and more recently Discord, readers have been writing to ask just how exactly the Equestrian prison system is managed. EI reporters were dispatched with that task in mind, bringing to you just how our grand government does their work.
In our search, we ventured out and asked a few of the ponies who are responsible for keeping dangerous criminals away from the public. "……..." said one anonymous pony, Phalanx, when questioned about the fact that there was a super villain stored in the very gardens of Canterlot, and that any amount of discord or break in harmony could release him yet again.
"To be frank, we didn't even know we had a prison system until the Nightmare Moon incident last year." commented newly-appointed penal system director 'Sweepy' the janitor, looking regal in his janitor shirt and Royal Guard helmet. “I’ve been given the task of managing hundreds of prisoners! Or a few dozen…..or, just the one out in the garden. We’re still working on the numbers here. I also have to clean the sinks.”
On discovery of this breach in Celestia's personally-designed prison system, we sent one of our reporter ponies to interview Princess Celestia. After finding he had gone missing, we later found his notebook, which had a quote from the princess herself, when regarding the incident with Discord, she had replied, "Do you like bananas?" We quickly continued on with our investigation.
Around midday, hundreds of statues varying from the designs of Ursa majors to cats are brought in under heavy guard, all kept under lock and key in armored containment cells. In an effort to prevent breakouts from displays of disharmony, nopony is allowed to argue nearby, and all guards are forced to smile really creepily all day in a way that made all of us at the EI fear for our lives. Later in the day, our reporters saw first-hoof how inmates were kept accounted for in this rapidly changing system.
For roll call, names are called off of a list, each offender accounted for either in statue form, in the garden, or Phallax showed the name to Princess Celestia and asked her about their location. In every single one of the 142 instances that the Princess had to be asked, Celestia was always quick to reply with a shrug, confident director ‘Sweepy’ had the situation in hoof. After further investigation, it has been revealed that the director simply shreds the files on unidentifiable inmates, giving the reasoning that “Eh, it’ll probably sort itself out.”
It has also come to EI’s attention that one inmate has been missing from the system for quite some time, but his crimes of petty theft, domestic abuse, and public disturbance weren't much to warrant a mad search for the so-called, "Angel."
MY DAY IN PONYVILLE
By Edd (Double D)
While locked in play of foil and folly
Did me and mine face a day so jolly
A twist of inquire to Ed’s scruncher of face
Was what brought us to this colorful place.
To Twilight did I, Double D, first ask
a mutual delight in intellectual task.
Good Ed to Pinkie Pie and she with he,
he leapt to her back
and she in delight
laughed together in boisterous glee.
In mutual chuckles did Eddy and Rainbow Dash meet
to sky they went
crashing with a burst
plans to prank all they found the greatest of treat.
With Nazz and Rarity brushing their hair
and Applejack caught with Rolf over lore and farm
naught but Fluttershy could cure Jimmy’s despair,
leaving Sarah and Sweetie Belle to share in a charm.
And in my time Jonny and Applebloom I did see
laughing at some unsaid joke with Plank and Derpy.
Twas the best of days, I tell you, friend
a day I wished would never reach an end.
But as I think to close this rhyme
I’ll not soon forget, my friends, that I’m
A brony and an Ed, through all of time.
NEW SCIENTIFIC THEORY SHOWS SWEET PROMISE
By Something in There
In news that has shocked the scientific community, theoretical physicist Pinkie Pie claims to have discovered a direct relationship between the previously unrelated concepts of 'time' and 'candy'. Her simple conclusion, that 'Time is Candy' (or T=C), has colleagues scrambling to rework theories of the past.
Pinkie Pie, renowned for her contributions to the now famous E=MCCupcakes formula, appears excited about the possibilities. She describes her initial thought experiment as an accidental result of Nightmare Night. "I love candy! I tried to get as much candy as I could. I realized that the more time I spent looking for candy, the more candy I got, and the more time I spent not looking for candy, the less I got! So duh, time is candy." We pressed her for more details about her hypothesis, but our question was drowned out by the sound of her pecking at the mountain of sweets behind her.
Sweet shop owners across Equestria await specific results that could benefit them. Some have already begun to purchase additional clocks for their stores, but have been warned that this is stupid and probably won't do anything.
Pinkie Pie's assistant, Pipsqueak, calls the equation "...scary, but fun." He continued, "I don't know, I never really thought about time much before. But I think about candy a lot, so this opens up a lot of possibilities. If you've maybe got too much time on your hooves, you can just eat some of it. And, um, if you're running out of time, you can just buy more. It's very convenient."
Princess Luna, who attended the event late and did not witness the history-making realization, was ecstatic at the news. Very soon after she heard about Pinkie's equation, she presented her own related formula, F2=F1*2, which she describes as "The fun has been doubled!" Mathematicians are still puzzling their way through it, but early results appear positive and consistent with T=C.
Twilight Sparkle, another important figure in the scientific world, has reluctantly accepted the theory, and is busy reworking her own theories on space-time. "My own teleportation spell bends the fabric of space-time to allow instantaneous travel. If time is candy, space itself could be candy as well, and knowing this, I may be able to tweak the spell to improve its reliability." She said of Pinkie Pie, "I hate to admit it, but she's one of the...the finest minds in the field."
We reported this to Pinkie Pie, who responded, "No I'm not. I'm a chicken!" She then began to cluck incessantly at us until we were forced to leave.
The following journal entries were found in a battered crate on a beach which we shall not identify FOR YOUR SECURITY
As I set out on this journey, I wish to discover just what the legends of the deep can mean for the brave ponies of Equestria. The sea pony: a legend? A fanciful myth? A little filly’s tale? Or something more?
The ship set out two hours ago from the small isle of Luna's Flank. Our captain’s a grizzled, bearded old stallion named Cuddlemuffin. He has heard these tales for years and agreed to take me along if I can get a movie of the week out of this.
Nothing found after a week at sea. The crew seems agitated
Note to self: Throwing crew overboard to test the water’s depth is not a good idea. Next time bring bigger science prod.
Sea ponies spotted off port bow. The captain’s prepping a net as we speak. So exciting!!!
Just Pinkie Pie.....toss overboard and continue onwards into the dark waters ahead
Minor splashing off the stern, could have sworn I saw something through the port hole last night. When I told the captain he yelled at his first mate, Port Hole. Nautical ponies are weird
Sea ponies confirmed! They appeared last night lounging on nearby pointy rocks. The captain is steering us towards them as we speak.
No........Not stories....not right.... Lost Port Hole as we approached.......they can jump!....they can jump!!
Attempted to flee.... they pursue relentlessly.......Nothing like what the books say.....so many teeth.......
Why acid vision? Why Celestia why?!? The ship’s run aground on more convenient pointy rocks...Captain’s gone....so much acid!!!
What? No, stay back!!! Why am I still writing this?? Curse my journalistic integrity!! ....... Oh Luna ! Celestia! Depry! Anyone!!!
The editors can neither confirm nor deny the statements that have been printed. I don’t swim anyways
FLEET WEEK COMES TO MANEHATTAN
By Ensign Shoobedoo
On Monday, the Royal Equestrian Navy kicked off its annual “Fleet Week” festivities in Manehattan Harbor. The guest of honor this year was Her Majesty Princess Luna. Chaos ensued during the opening ceremonies when the Princess was offered to give a speech. When she gave her speech using the microphone and her so-called “Royal Canterlot Voice,” it damaged the speaker systems and ear drums alike. The resulting speech also delayed the scheduled performance of the Wonderbolts Aerial Demonstration Team as they had to recover from an intense ringing in their ears.
After the chaos subsided, Princess Luna was given a tour of the naval ships docked at the harbor. “We are astonished at the sight of these ‘ironclad’ vessels in which our fleet currently operates,” said the Princess. “It still amazes us how vessels constructed of metal, rather than wood, can remain afloat.” Accompanied by the Navy fleet commander, Admiral Nautilus, Princess Luna visited the flagship Pegasus carrier HMS Queen Lauren, the Royal Mareines’ amphibious assault vessel HMS Everfree, and other support ships.
However, one ship that Princess Luna was really impressed with was the attack submarine HMS Equus. The Princess was initially quoted as saying, “A vessel that can traverse under the water? Preposterous!” The Princess later reversed her dismissive attitude after Admiral Nautilus explained how a submarine operates. It is now believed that Princess Luna intends to increase the defense budget to commission more submarines, despite the current push for cuts in defense spending.
Overall, despite the initial ear-splitting start, this year’s Fleet Week was still an improvement over last year’s, when a lone parasprite managed to damage the fire control system of the guided missile cruiser HMS Sethisto, resulting in a stray cruise missile being launched. The whereabouts of said missile are still unknown at the time this article was written, as the Royal Ministry of Defense continues to deny rumors that the missile was connected to the accidental sinking of a vessel carrying pro-New Lunar Republic protestors.
SWEET APPLE ACRES TO LAUNCH NEW TECHNOLOGY
By Boogster Su
Citizens of Equestria have become overly interested in technology. However, technology has its difficulties. The main problem with technology recently is that it's not hoof-friendly. All the devices that have been made lately, for some unknown reason, are not properly designed for equine creatures in mind. The buttons, the touch screens, the keyboards. Eeeyup. Those features used in modern technology are not specifically designed for hooves. That is why you don't see modern technology selling in Equestria every day.
However, Sweet Apple Acres, creators of the FiRE-CART and FiRE-TUNES, will soon re-invent high-tech products to be hoof-friendly to all the ponies living in Equestria. Many experts have mixed opinions to Sweet Apple Acres: How much will they spend to get that technology to everypony's hooves? How long will it take to complete the finished product? Will it become even more magical than friendship, if not, more than Trixie? Will it upset the Princesses of Canterlot? Will it wake up eternal chaos again?
"I am kinda interested in their iPads because of their large storage space for holding my entire library," explained Twilight Sparkle, reviewing the company. "Although, since it’s a literal ‘pad,’ as in, a ‘full-size apartment,’ I’m not sure it’s as portable as it’s made out to be. It also doesn’t have a camera.”
Thanks for reading, folks! To submit freelance to the Equestria Inquirer email Joe Stevens at [email protected]. Follow the EI on Twitter at @JoeStevensInc, http://twitter.com/#!/JoeStevensInc. Joe will be back next week for issue 11. Just don’t tell him we broke the refrigerator.