by Friendly Uncle
"Come on Twilight! It's the only thing I haven't tried yet, it has to work!"
"Spike, I think you're just going to have to trust me on this one when I tell you I'm pretty sure
giving you armpit hair isn't going to make Rarity like you."
"You're harshing my buzz here Twi."
"Oh thank goodness there's Pinkie Pie let's go she what she wants shall we?"
"This conversation isn't over!"
Twilight Sparkle sighed as she hopped down the stairs to the library's ground floor, Spike
grumbling along behind her. Pinkie Pie was standing in the library's open door, looking around
slowly as though she was expecting to find someone watching her. Twilight raised an eyebrow and trotted over.
"Hey Pinkie! Everything okay? Feelin' twitchy?"
Pinkie shook her head.
"Twilight, I think I found something bad and I don't know what to do about it."
The purple unicorn frowned. Pinkie was standing fairly still, tail dragging behind her, her
usual smile in place but looking more than a little forced. She wasn't laughing.
Ponyville was fucked.
"Oh no, is someone dead? Is there a plague? Are we being attacked!? By dragons!? ...OR
"What? There haven't been any zombies in ponyville since the great zombie epidemic of eight
fifty-six when Wilhelmina Pie drove back the hordes of undead by luring the parasprites out of
Everfree forest and getting them to eat the zombies which of course lead to zombie parasprites
but it turns out zombie parasprites can't actually reproduce because they're dead so a force of
marching bands five hundred ponies strong sent them back into the cracks of doom and destroyed the zombie crown, freeing all of Equestria from Lord Naughtius' cold skeletal grip!"
"Anyhow, it's nothing THAT interesting. I was looking through Mr. Cake's movie collection for
something to watch for my movie watching party and I found THIS."
Pinkie opened her saddlebag and pulled out a DVD case. Twilight blinked, then levitated it out
of Pinkie's mouth so she could get a better look.
"What the... is that somepony's ass? 'The biggest ever'... 'three hours of pure pony pleasure?'
Pinkie, this is a porno."
"I know that! But Twilight! Look at the mare on the front!"
"All I'm seeing is ass, Pinkie. Yellow... butterfly-covered... pink-tailed... Celestia's gaskin,
that looks exactly like Fluttershy!"
Pinkie nodded so hard that she almost tipped over.
"I know! I can't believe it! I never would have thought Fluttershy would do something like
this! I mean, maybe Rarity, and I'd be surprised if Dash hasn't, and I could see maybe you, but
Fluttershy? Put her in front of a camera and she'd have a heart attack, much less trying to get
her to have sex!"
"Yeah I kno- wait, me?” Twilight’s brow furrowed dangerously. ”You could see me doing pornography Pinkie? What the hell?"
"We all know it's always the nerds that are secretly sex fiends, Twilight."
Spike, who had seen some of the reading material under Twilight's bed, simply nodded sagely.
"Look, what Princess Celestia and I happen to do when alone is between us and her video camera and not available for public consumption. I mean, my personal life is not on trial here! What I'm worried about is what circumstances would drive Fluttershy to do something like this. We should ask her if she needs money, at the very least."
"Woah, hold on," said Spike, "aren't we jumping to conclusions here? We don't know for sure
that's Fluttershy on the box, we just know it looks a lot like her, and I doubt either of you
have spent enough time studying her rear end to be able to tell for sure."
"...that's a good point," said Twilight, somewhat deflated. "If it isn't Fluttershy she's going
to be horribly offended when she finds out we assumed she did porn at the drop of a hat. We need to be sure."
"We should watch the video," said Pinkie.
"Excellent suggestion!" agreed Spike.
"What!? Look you two, I'm as curious as anypony, but one thing I am NOT curious about is
watching Fluttershy mate, and DEFINITELY not for three hours!"
"What in tarnation did ah just walk into?"
They startled, then turned to find Applejack standing in the doorway, staring at the three of
them in shock. Twilight blushed and used her magic to swing the library's door securely closed.
"Oh Applejack!" Pinkie nearly sobbed, "It's just terrible! Fluttershy's a whore!"
Applejack's face slowly exploded into an expression of horrified confusion. Twilight sighed and
levitated the DVD case in front of her. The confusion left Applejack's face as she examined the
cover, but the horror remained.
"What... y'all aren't telling me that's Fluttershy? You seriously think she cashed in her candy
cooter for cold coinage? Ah can't credit it."
"I don't know if I believe it either," said Twilight gently, "but the evidence is right there.
Either somepony is presenting pictures of her posterior to peddle pony pornography without
permission, or Fluttershy's a pornstar."
"Either way, ah say we find the ponies responsible and buck their teeth out," snarled Applejack,
"taking advantage of poor Fluttershy, of all ponies!"
"But we don't know for sure," said Pinkie, "it might be some kind of mistake!"
"...which is why we need to WATCH it," said Spike, trying not to smile.
"I suppose we have to,” sighed Twilight. “Or at least enough of it to determine whether or not it really is her."
"Then what are we waiting for?" asked Pinkie, "Let's pop this sucker in!"
"...pop it into what?" asked Twilight, "this is a library for books, not movies. I don't have a
"But we can't watch it at the cake shop," said Pinkie, "If Mr. Cake finds out I found his secret
stash, he'll be disappointed in me!"
"Don't look at me," said Applejack, "We don't even have a TV over at Sweet Apple Acres. I have a hard enough time getting Applebloom to do her homework as it is."
"Who do we know that would have a DVD player that we can trust with something like this?" mused Spike.
"You want to watch WHAT?" asked Rarity, aghast.
"Please Rarity?" asked Twilight. "We just want to be sure it's actually Fluttershy so we know
how concerned we need to be. I mean, think about it. This is Fluttershy. Blushes when she
talks about bunnies doing it probably cried when she saw her first unsheathed stallion can't even
walk in front of a camera without making a squeaking noise that shatters the lens Fluttershy!
Can you imagine what would have to happen to drive her to making pornography?"
"Somethin' catastrophic," said Applejack.
"She must have spent all of her bits on bunnies!" said Pinkie Pie, "with nothing left for
Pinkie curled up on the ground shivering, and began speaking in an uncanny imitation of
Fluttershy's quiet whisper.
"Oh woe is me, for I have given my last bit for rabbit food, and now I shall soon starve."
Spike sauntered over to her, gleefully stroking an imaginary moustache. "Well hello little filly,” he growled, “looks like you're in a bit of a tight spot. Could I interest you in a job?"
"Oh, yes sir!” cried Pinkie as Fluttershy, hopping onto her hooves, “thank you sir, I'll do anything you ask, sir!"
"...ANYTHING?" Spike grinned hugely.
"Oh... oh my... oh sir, you wouldn't... you couldn't..."
"That's right! Now get in front of that camera and shake your tail!"
Pinkie sobbed theatrically as she waggled her rump in front of a very alarmed Applejack. "But sir! This is so wrong! I'll go to pony hell!"
"Not my problem, now here comes your co-star... BIGGER McIntosh!"
"Oh Rarity! Help me! Watch my pornography and help me! Please!"
"Alright that's quite enough," sighed Rarity, massaging her forehead with a hoof. "The theatrics
weren't necessary. I'll let you view that... thing. And then when you've all been proven wrong
then you'll feel all the more foalish for it. Fluttershy would never do anything like this. It
takes poise and gravitas to properly perform for a movie of this nature, and I guarantee you she doesn't have it."
"... how would you know anything about that?" asked Twilight suspiciously.
"... well... you see, I did dabble in acting just a bit before I opened up the boutique... and I may have done a few films that I'm not... particularly proud of..."
Spike’s eyes widened, but anything he might have said was cut off by a well-timed hip check from Twilight. "Whatever,” she growled, “let's just watch this thing. I want to get it over with."
"And I'd thank you two not to insinuate that mah big brother ruts in front of cameras fer money,"
said Applejack, glaring at Spike and Pinkie.
"I didn't say that!” said Spike, “I was insinuating that your DA-"
Pinkie shoved a cupcake into his mouth.
Rarity set up the DVD player, and they all sat down on her big fluffy couch to watch.
"Popcorn?" offered Pinkie. Rarity sushed her. The movie started off with a techno beat soundtrack, then quickly degenerated into the standard plot.
"Oh my goodness, I don't have enough bits to pay for the pizza, OR this package that's just been
delivered... if only I had some way to make it up to both of you gentlecolts..."
"... wow," said Applejack, "she's takin' the whole thing."
"Never could manage that myself," commented Rarity, "gag reflex."
"I really like the music," said Pinkie, bouncing up and down in time with the beat.
Spike was very quiet.
"I think you're all missing the obvious here," said Twilight wearily. "Because that clearly is
"Of course it isn't," said Rainbow Dash, "that's Mandy Mare. This is her first ever DP scene.
Handled it like a pro, in my opinion."
Twilight almost jumped out of her fur. "Rainbow Dash!? Wha- what are you doing here!?"
"You guys were watching porn without me!” frowned the blue pegasus, “I'm insulted!"
Rarity blinked. "...how... how could you have possibly known...?"
"I have my sources."
"Woah down there now," said Applejack, turning to look at her hovering friend. "Dash. You've
seen this... uh, movie before?"
"Seen it?" Dash chuckled, "I have it on VHS and DVD. Special edition too!"
"Then y'all can tell us if this here's the right case or if we've all been hornswaggled."
Rainbow Dash blinked as Rarity levitated the DVD cover in front of her.
"What? That's the right case, yeah. Why would... OH." Dash grinned wickedly. "You guys are
watching this because Fluttershy's in it? You perverts!"
"We're not the ones who own three copies of this and never told anypony that poor Fluttershy's
been reduced to mating on camera for a living!" Rarity was irate.
"Wooooaaaaaah hold on," said Dash, raising her hooves defensively. "This isn't what it looks
like. Just wait for the hour and thirty-six minute mark and you'll see what I mean."
Twilight levitated the remote control and started fast-forwarding.
"You guys are no fun," grumped Rainbow Dash.
Over the course of an hour and a half the actors apparently picked up another mare and two
stallions in the process of moving to Mandy's bedroom. Just as Twilight hit "Play" a familiar-
looking pegasus pony nervously crept into frame. The camera immediately zoomed in and focused on her butt.
"Er... um... excuse me... I'm very sorry everyone... but... I've been sent to tell you... that...
you're... all going... TO PONY HELL!!!"
The set was lit up with lurid red spotlights as a fresh batch of stallions leaped into the scene,
waving pitchforks. Fluttershy let out a quiet yelp and scampered off.
"... what?" asked Applejack.
"That's it?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"Those costumes are hideous," commented Rarity.
"She was an extra?" Twilight was incredulous.
Spike remained silent.
"This film was made a couple of years ago," Rainbow Dash explained, pausing the action and
rewinding so Fluttershy was back on the screen. "They needed a pegasus to damn everypony to pony hell, so they held a casting call without telling anypony exactly what the part was. I brought Fluttershy with me when I auditioned for it, but the director liked her so much he paid her
triple the going rate just for that scene. She used the money to build her house."
"That is a very gratuitous ass shot for a cameo," said Rarity.
"Yeah, I don't think she knew they had that camera right behind her. I always figured it was
better that she didn't find out."
"Hello everypony," said a quiet voice, "I've been looking for you all day. What's going on in
"No Fluttershy!" Twilight panicked. "Don't look-"
"...nooooooo! My secret shame and sin!"
"It's okay Fluttershy!" wailed Pinkie, "we're not judging you! I promise we're not judging you!"
Fluttershy paused in the act of attempting to commit seppuku with Angel bunny's carrot.
"... you... you're not?"
"Nah, I think it's pretty cool actually," said the pink pony.
"And you have a FANTASTIC ass," said a grinning Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy turned an interesting shade of red. Angel took his carrot back, gave the assembled
ponies the bird, and hopped away.
"... so um... I have to admit to being a little bit curious now," said Twilight, "after you sent
them all to pony hell, how did this end?"
Fluttershy blinked, then slowly clambered up onto the couch.
"Well, first they start using the pitchforks, which are all actually husbandry aids..."
-Oh Thank God It's Over
Friendly Uncle’s MLP:FiM FanFic List
Updated: Sunday, July 3rd, 2012
New: The Creature that Came to Ponyville is at long last complete, clocking in at 9 chapters and good lord I’m tired. I’ve also added a comedy short entitled “Estrus.” Expect that sequel to Correspondence sometimes in the next few months.
“Look out fellas, Gay Boy and Friendly Uncle comin’ at ya.”
I am in fact an uncle and generally consider myself to be quite friendly. I mostly write comedy and random weirdness, but I cannot deny that writing stories about multicolored ponies giving each other hugs and coming to terms with their feelings makes me happy for reasons that I am not psychologically secure enough to go into. I’m also currently writing a fanfic that involves ponies being attacked by facehuggers, so there’s really no telling what I might get up to in the future. We’re all going to find out together.
Aside from here my fics can usually be found on Equestria Daily. After hearing some complaints about Google Docs as a mass fiction sharing service I’ve also dusted off a Fanfiction.net account so old that it borders on the geological, and will be uploading stories there for all and sundry to read and tell me how much they smell (please ignore the really old stuff oh god I was still in high school when I did some of this crap it burns). I can also be found lurking on /co/. I enjoy mixed drinks and long walks on the beach.
I have a tumblr if you’d like to ask what is wrong with me.
If you wish to email me, it would be alright.
Warning: The following stories tend to rely on humor of a decidedly adult nature. I rarely write out and out porn, but the jokes and situations in my fics do tend to get a bit extreme and they are neither appropriate for young children nor safe to browse while at your place of employment. Proceed with all due caution!
[Random] Pinkie Pie ponders one of the great secrets of the pony universe. For everyone who didn’t get it: That’s the joke.
[Sad/Cute] Two of the quieter ponies have a short talk about the importance of expressing themselves. May or may not evolve into something shippier in the future. I like that Fluttershy and Luna can just sit and talk, but they are also mind-bendingly cute together. Decisions decisions...
[Random/Funny] Third place winner in Equestria Daily’s April Fools contest. Princess Celestia has the worst day ever. Also, Pinkie Pie.
The Creature that Came to Ponyville (EqD Link)
[Crossover/Grimdark] An unfortunate mary sue discovers a strange egg in the Everfree Forest. Things only go downhill from there. My apologies if I killed off your favorite background character, I was mostly pulling names out of a hat.
Estrus (Google Docs)
[Funny/Saucy] Twilight doesn’t know the facts of life. You know, the birds and the bees. The reason you sometimes get that not so fresh feeling. We’re talkin’ about ruttin’. And who better to fill her in than her faithful friends? ...yeah, this is gonna get ugly.
[Funny/Cute] My first attempt at writing within the franchise. Twilight Sparkle discovers that instantaneous communication with Princess Celestia can kind of suck when your assistant sends the wrong darn book...
[Funny/Saucy] The mane cast discovers Fluttershy’s dark, angsty past. I have it on good authority that this is hilarious. Not a clopfic, I promise.
[Funny/Random/Saucy] Inspired by Friendship with Benefits is Magic, by Tumbleweed, but isn’t intended as a direct followup as much as my own take on the idea. What is Celestia to do when Twilight Sparkle shares a little too much? And why doesn’t Twilight have any idea what she’s talking about? And why is Luna smiling so much!?
Do You Really Want to Know Two: Electric Boogaloo (Google Docs)
[Funny/Random/Saucy/WTF] I was trying to finish the next part of The Creature that Came All Over Ponyville and for reasons that I have not yet been able to determine I felt the irresistible urge to produce a second epistolary fanfic featuring Twilight and Celestia and the magic of not knowing what the hay that other pony is talking about. Features a special guest appearance by naughty!Luna.
[Funny/Saucy] So a few months ago I got a PM on Fanfiction.net from a guy named Andrew Joshua Talon. “Hey,” I said to myself, “that sounds familiar. Oh hey, he writes THE BEST LUNA FANFICTION EVER.”
You will imagine my barely restrained glee when he tells me that he enjoys my work as well, and that he thinks my style is just perfect for a side project he’s been considering but didn’t feel like doing himself. Imagine a bearded and bespectacled brony hopping around in a circle squealing “Yes yes yes yes yes!” That is more or less what transpired.
Told that the subject of Hoyden’s wish for a threesome deserved to be fully explored and given free reign to do so, I did the best I could. Imagine AJT’s body of work as a young mare spread out before me, blushing and exposed as my untrained hooves wander clumsily over her supple curves. What I have done to the situation and the characters is probably illegal in several states, and the results speak for themselves. I apologize in advance if this story inflicts any damage upon your psyche. If you were to hurt yourself with uncontrollable laughter instead, then I am still sorry, but not quite as much. That is the preferred reaction.
I’m planning some additional long form fics about the ponies and their various increasingly weird adventures, but I find it’s best not to count your cockatrices before they’ve hatched, so we’ll see how much of that I actually do before I go into detail. I’d like to do more shipping, possibly involving a sequel to Correspondence. This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.
Oh God What
"I stand by my decision," said Optimus Prime, "Though Equestria contains vast and rich deposits of Energon, enough to fund the Autobot war effort against the Decepticons for years to come, I cannot allow this peaceful world to be plundered in order to fuel our war marchine. Freedom is the right of all sentient beings, including ponies."
"Neigh Optimus," said Princess Celestia, "I cannot allow the scourge of Megatron's crazed zombie robots to spread across the galaxy when I can do something to help. My army and all of my power are at your disposal. We will win this battle together."
"This is so awesome!" squealed Raf, riding around on Rainbow Dash.
"La~ame!" groused Miko. "Why would we wanna hang out with a bunch of multicolored ponies when we've got big awesome robots!?"
"I dunno," said Bulkhead, very gently patting Fluttershy on the head, "I think they're kinda cute. What do you think Jack?"
"I wasn't staring at their pony asses!"
Arcee gave Jack a look that would freeze magma.
"...I was too busy staring at Arcee's robot ass."
"That's my boy."