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MadMax X Pacce!?

Parody By Roy G. Biv

The light tan unicorn looked between the two archways curiously, her straight brown tail swishing slightly as she weighed her options. Raising her right forehoof, she pushed her green wire-rimmed glasses onto her muzzle before tossing back her long, straight black braids tied at each end with green scrunchies. She heard both these clubs were supposed to be fun, and she needed some fun to take her mind off work.

To her left was Clu/b/ Random, the local Anarchy pub. Loud, insane music of all types poured from the doorway, and the entrance was covered in posters from shows up to 7 years ago: Everything from Rick Astley to the more recent Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt along with a myriad of lesser-known bands. The bouncer was just as odd as the outer facade of the business itself: A pencil-thin gentleman dressed in a black suit and tie. The weird thing is his face was covered in a Guy Fawkes mask.

She then turned her attention to the other place: The /co/ffee house. This business’s outer facade was just as beaten down, but in a more loving way. While Club /b/ looked thrashed & abused, The /co/ffee House had the air of intelligent discussions rather than insane parties. The televisions around the cafe showed live streams of Cartoon Network, Anime Network, The Hub, and even Waikfu live as it aired. While a poster in the main window proudly proclaimed a full comic book store in the back. Smiling, Max trotted towards The /co/ffee house and noses the door open.

The door open with a jingle as Max walks in, and the pimple-marked late teen at the counter looked up from the latest issue of Batman Meets the Loose Women as a false smile & cheerful tone fills the air. “Why hello, valued customer, and welcome to The /co/ffee House. And what can we get for you to...” He stops suddenly, seeing no one in front of him “Uh, where the fuck are you? Who the fuck is there!? Tell me before I ban you from the store!”

Max lets out a small cough and taps the counter’s front. “Um, down here...?”

The clerk leans forward, peering down as he lets out a sneer of disgust. “Oh, it’s a fucking pony...”

Max glares up at the pale human, stomping her left horehoof in anger as she stands up tall. “Excuse me, what do you mean, ‘a fucking pony’?”

The clerk spit to the side. “Oh, just we hate your type. You ponies buy lots of crap here, and give us great press. But we don’t like your type because you bring in fucking CHICKS! And chicks have no place here in The /co/ffee house! So we keep you all back in the back patio so we can use this front area to discuss topics like if Deadpool’s cock still exists or who likes chocolate milk!”

Max just shook her head. “Fine, whatever. Just make up a Mocha and send it back.” Wondering if she really made the right choice, the unicorn trotted out onto the back patio as her green hoof shoes clicked with each step. On the back patio though, she gasped in shock. The patio was framed on all sides by ivy-covered tressels, and the tables were all pony-sized so the patrons here could eat & drink with little worry. The only odd thing she noticed, though, was the back left corner was covered with a black curtain. Above said curtain was a small square sign that had the word ‘SPOILER’ written upon it in bold font.

Max turns and looks for a table as she hears a loud noise from the front of The /co/ffee House. A light blue pony butt with a dark blue tail pokes out as she hears a masculine, gruff voice yelling, “...and tell your mother she sucked in bed last night! Tell the bitch I’m not paying, you pony-hating faggot!” The pony finishes backing out, a tall stallion of a pony with a regal blueberry blue mane and moustache with a curl on each end. In each hoof he is holding a coffee mug.

Max raises a hoof to her muzzle in shock as the manly pony chuckles. “Forgive me for that, did you order the mocha?” He offers the coffee mug out with his right hoof as he smiles softly, his blue eyes batting towards the mare.

Max uses her magic, her horn glowing with a light purple color that envelops the coffee mug. Lifting the mug towards her table, she nods in still a bit of shock. “W-why yes, thank you. But, what was that all about?”

The male pony tosses his head back, his mane billowing out as he lets out a loud laugh. “Ah, that clerk banned a bunh of my friends last weekend from The /co/ffee House... So I greet him now with insults because I can.” He kicks the door as his nostrils flare in anger. “But I’ve not seen you here before, pretty mare, what’s your name?”

Max bats her auburn eyes and looks away demurely as her heart beats. “I-ah... My name is Mad Max. I write comic books, so I thought I’d be welcome here...”

The male pony shakes his head. “Last month, maybe, but the current store clerk is a jerk who bans ponies left and right. We found him two weeks ago with that one pony, Swishy Cockgobbler. Ever since then, we think he’s been acting like this to try to hide his orientation...”

Max let out a bit of a giggle as she listens. “Well, not that there’s anything wrong with a stallion and a stallion loving each other... Or a mare and another mare, for that matter...”

The male pony arches an eyeridge curiously as he now also has a chin beard on his muzzle. “Of course there isn’t! Are you, perchance, one of those mares...?”

Max lets out a laugh and pushes the male away playfully with her hooves. “Oh, no! I prefer a big, strong stallion!” She smiles gently, then tilts her head to the left. “So, what’s your name, handsome?”

The male stands up tall, puffing out his chest as he thumps a hoof into it. “Oh, they call me Pacce! But really, you’re the...” He finds himself cut off as Max’s hoof pokes against his muzzle.

“Shhh,” she begins, shaking her head. “Don’t talk anymore. Just show. Now then, can I assume you have a long... ‘tripcode’ you like to use here?” Pacce, completely taken off-guard by this change in the unicorn mare, just nods. Lowering her hoof from his muzzle, Max just smiles wide. “Mmm, I think I’d like to see your tripcode, then, Pacce... Why don’t you follow me into the spoiler area, and I can show you what I can do with a pencil...”

The smaller unicorn mare turns, flicking up her tail towards Pacce as he gulps suddenly. Forgetting the coffees, Pacce dumbly follows Max behind the curtain before it covers both from sight. As the curtain closes, Pacce can be heard to call out, “Wait... A pencil doesn’t go there!? … HOLY SHIT, KEEP THAT PENCIL THERE!”

Several hours later, Max pushes back the curtain and trots out, the mare’s mane disheveled as her left braid is half-unraveled. Her body hair is streaked with sweat, and even her cutie mark of a green comic book looks rougher than usual. Pacce strolls out puffing a cigar, the earth pony now sporting just a goatee as he smirks. “Well, that was one hell of a first meeting, Max... I think this could be the start of a great relationship.”

Pacce tries to nuzzle the unicorn’s neck, but Max holds out a strong right hoof to keep him at bay. “Excuse me,” she begins in a more serious tone. “But while that was fun and you’ll get a nice tip, I don’t date stallions I hire.”

Pacce blinked, stepping back as a look of shock crossed his muzzle. “But... But Max! What do you mean?”

Max sighed, using her magic to pick up a hairbrush to begin combing out her unraveling mane. “You know... I call the agency, they send out a stud, I get ridden, and I can go back to focusing on my comics! All us professional mares do it!”

Pacce looks away, the pony’s tail and ears drooping sadly. “I... I wasn’t sent by any agency, Max. I thought you and I were a real item.”

Max just tsks to herself. “Well, if you’re not the stud the agency sent, where is he?”

Meanwhile, in Clu/b/ Random, Big Macintosh stared around the insanity as a maid girl with different-colored eyes walks up to him. “Desu-desu... You know you’re pretty fucked in here, don’t you?”

Bic Mac watched as several other patrons began to stand up holding baseball bats & swords. “Ayup...” he said as he begins to try to make it to the door.