Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000

RingmasterJ5: So… bad news: The Catch is back to a weekly schedule. Meaning this riff will likely have a more-or-less permanent spot as the last one of the month as long as he keeps updating it.

SC276: Good news: this story might be able to elicit reactions besides straight-up boredom.

JofY: But I just finished repairing my emotional roller coaster of boredom!

RingmasterJ5: Anyway, SC, could you recap the last part for anyone new?

SC276: Gladly. Last time on The Fumble but Badly Written: passive-aggressive disagreement with being riffed veiled as a hypocritical anger monologue, Celestia from nowhere, smirking waitresses, no decent progression of romance subplots, and this story finally catches up with the rest of plant-boy’s library by having someone get it in the ass. And as I understand it, it’s about to nosedive into even stupider?

RingmasterJ5: That it is.

SC276: Hoo boy, this is going to either suck or be good. Bit of a toss-up there.

RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, part six of “The Catch” by Kudzuhaiku.

Scarlet: Ooh, hey! I’m in this one! *waves* And um, this is the one that broke me. Stay tuned for my soul dying!

JofY: I call eating your soul’s heart!

Chapter 28

It was difficult pulling one’s self together after everything had been pulled apart.

JofY: But that was life for sentient puzzles.

The sounds of Rye Mash’s shallow breathing filled his own ears, echoed in his head, and made him feel dizzy as the sound caused him pain.

JofY: Well, try deep breathing then.

SC276: That echoing has always been there. You’re only just now noticing it.

He still had to meet with Princess Celestia. The day would continue with him or without him.

SC276: Any way we can make it “without” without causing a paradox?

Scarlet: No idea but I’ve got several hundred locked rooms, a jackhammer, and a bottle of nitroglycerin we could use to help find out.

He had duties to attend to, a job to perform.

Scarlet: Readers to bore.

Bloody Velvet, when asked why she would let this happen, had informed him that she wasn’t his mother and was in no way responsible for him—a statement which Rye found himself in agreement with.

JofY: [Velvet] “I, am your father.”

SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT’S MATERNITY SOFTWARE HAS NOT BEEN UPDATED IN 9-9-9-9-9-9...”

When pressed for information, Bloody Velvet had leveled him,

SC276: Flattened him out?

Scarlet: Nah, she was just trying to push him to first level.

coming into his mind

SC276: If this is non-consensual, does it count as mind rape?

Scarlet: It’s The Catch. This entire story counts as mental abuse of the reader.

and showing him from a different set of eyes, Velvet’s eyes,

SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT HAS DONE ITS BEST TO ENSURE THE STREAM IS IN A FILE FORMAT UNIT-RYE’S SYSTEM WILL BE ABLE TO PROCESS.”

and he had seen himself. He had been happy, laughing, jolly, carefree, there could be no doubt that he had wanted it.

JofY: He wanted her eyes.

SC276: ~Welcome one and all to Flumpty Bumpty's / If your light's turned off, then you're safe...~

The alcohol had worn away his inhibitions and had freed him.

Scarlet: And so by the grace of Jack Daniels he was saved.

He had experienced a wonderful time, even if he couldn’t remember it.

For whatever reason, Mousy was avoiding him, at least it felt that way. She and Bloody Velvet had vanished with one another and Rye had no idea what they were doing, what they might be talking about, or how they might be conspiring against him.

SC276: Just because you can move around, you think you’re better than I am!

Scarlet: Well I mean, they’re not wrong.

Starjammer was gone, he had been summoned to see Princess Celestia, Starjammer had refused at first, but Princess Celestia was not one that would be or could be denied.

JofY: [Celestia] “Oh god, this is terrible, just kill me now… Wai- *killed*”

SC276: Did she also authorize that run-on sentence?

Scarlet: [Rye, literally one scene ago] “I SHALL NOT GIVE UP MY ARMS!”

With great reluctance and a fair bit of fear, Starjammer had gone to speak with Princess Celestia, and Rye had been left by himself with nopony to talk to.

SC276: I mean, it’s not like there’s at least two dozen other miscellaneous crew members. Like Oracle, Telescope, Woe… or, y’know, the kangaroo.

Scarlet: To be fair, his last conversation with her was over the course of torturing someone.

Which was, perhaps for the best.

JofY: After all, he was mute.

Rye was still trying to get his head together and Starjammer never had very much to say.

SC276: That’s the author’s fault.

Rye wasn’t even certain what could be said between them at this point, other than they had shared a visceral experience with one another.

With slow release, Rye let a sigh escape.

JofY: Quick! Get it!

SC276: Specter will not get away with this!

There was no point in regretting it, Rye’s reservations and hangups had kept him from getting something he had wanted, of that there could be no doubt.

Scarlet: Only his hangups and reservations kept him from finishing a single chapter of “The Catch”.

He had wanted it, ever since that first confusing kiss that Starjammer had given him, but Rye was more concerned about being proper.

JofY: Oh, god. They’re turning british.

Scarlet: I wish. Maybe then they’d be able to tell a decent joke.

Bloody Velvet had flashed him with her memories of the event…

JofY: ...Pervert.

Rye had seen himself as others had seen him, it was a profound, meaningful moment in his life, a life changing moment,

SC276: Now say it a third time so we can dub thee Lady Redundant Woman.

and he realised he was grateful for what Velvet had done.

Grateful or not, he still had no answers about what to do next. A part of his mind suggested that he was getting hung up again,

JofY: But the rinse cycle just finished! He shouldn’t be dried that quickly!

he was getting all uptight, he was focusing too much on how to go about doing this the proper way, the perfect way, with all of the right rules, the right things done, with everything as it should be.

JofY: Don’t forget to always extend your pinkie!

While thinking about this, Rye had himself something of a revelation—he was a pirate.

JofY: *slow clap*

SC276: ~Fuck the police!~ Which he would probably do, let’s be honest...

He paused, his mind correcting him, he was a privateer with a commission from the Crowned Head of Equestria absolving him of his crimes, past, present, and future.

JofY: ...Nevermind.

Privateers followed the rules because they obeyed the contracts they were given.

JofY: Just like Assassins uphold the law by murdering others.

Scarlet: Insert… Terry… Pratchett… here.

Alone, Rye let out a groan.

JofY: Uhh...

This is what had made him such a good servant.

JofY: UHH...

He held a deep concern for the rules, for order, for doing what was right, he was a slave to order.

JofY: ...Well, time to pull out all BDSM jokes.

SC276: So, slave to the antithesis of Discord? I’m sure someone’s come up with that by now.

Last night, he had freed himself from such concerns for a while, had done something random, spontaneous, and unpredictable.

JofY: How agast!

Now, he was once again a slave to order, married to a near stranger. Another form of servitude. Or was it?

JofY:

SC276: Is his conclusion that he has to be drunk all the time? Honestly, everypony being drunk would explain a lot.

Why did he have to think about it as servitude?

JofY: Personally, I think that the fetish comes from the desire-

Princess Celestia’s ship was quite a wonder.

JofY: Wonder where she parked the DAMN thing that is! She said, pier 93, but nooooo, it was on pier 92, which for some reason is on the complete other side of the island!

Rye stood on the deck, his eyes wide and staring. Unicorns and pegasi moved about on the deck, doing whatever it was that they were doing.

JofY: Earth ponies don’t get those privileges.

SC276: They’re below decks, running on hamster wheels to generate power.

Rye could smell pine oil soap coming from somewhere, perhaps the deck was being scrubbed.

SC276: Actual scrubbing of the poop deck?

He didn’t know. He could smell bread baking, fragrant steam was rising from a vent, no doubt there was some kitchen down below. This wasn’t a ship so much as it was a flying palace. Curiously enough, Rye Mash saw no earth ponies anywhere.

JofY: Well, of course. They’re on Equestria, not Earth. *rimshots*

None at all.

JofY: Oh, please, you haven’t found Earth Pony Waldo?

SC276: Watch, it’s going to turn out that the crown keeps Earth ponies only as slave labor. I wouldn’t put it past this crap universe.

Pegasi could fly and fight while unicorns could deal with fine detail work. Rye realised that earth ponies would be superfluous on a crew such as this.

JofY: There’s no need for strength!

SC276: I’ve never researched sailing ships, and I’m pretty sure plant-boy hasn’t either.

The unicorns could deal with heavy loads and moving cargo by using their telekinesis.

It was a profound moment of realisation for Rye. He stared at the visual evidence that earth ponies were unnecessary in this life.

JofY: ...You know what. [Racist Moment: 1] The main ground rule for this, is that it’s going to be for each separate moment of racism. So, even if there are more racist moments in this scene, it won’t go up.

Scarlet: I’m going to be observing your racism counter and just quietly taking notes for something. Don’t mind me.

SC276: This seems really unnecessary, really. Why explicitly point out that you don’t have Earth ponies around? Have people been actually complaining about it?

Captain Spyglass kept a fair number of earth ponies around, but almost all of them were used for moving goods when they reached port.

JofY: Because strength is hardly needed on something that operates on pushing and pulling heavy parts.

In the air, earth ponies could not fly, could not wield weapons, (at least in a general sense, they still had their own hooves) and were quite limited as to what they were capable of.

JofY: What are living tanks needed for?

Now, Rye could see that they were not needed at all, and something about the sights around him made him feel sad.

JofY: Join the Italian Native American crying over littering on the freeway.

SC276: I don’t know why, but I feel offended by this entire digression.

Scarlet: That’s because you have good taste, aren’t an idiot, and see this for the lazy imagination it is!

Earth ponies had the short end of the stick in life. No magic, no wings, just garden variety ponies.

JofY: Yeah, what is food even good for?

Rye wondered why Spyglass even had earth ponies in his crew when it seemed that labourers could be found in any port. Thoughtful, Rye realised that Captain Spyglass had to have a reason and it was probably a good one.

SC276: Maybe you should go ask him then, instead of continuing this racist tangent of yours.

Then, he saw her.

JofY: Old Woman Jenkins!?

The tall figure moving toward him, wearing a bright blue cloak. Her face was obscured under the heavy folds of fabric. He squinted, the sun making him feel nauseous, and he wondered why he was meeting with Princess Celestia in private rather than with Captain Spyglass, as had been planned.

SC276: Because you’re the main character. Haven’t you figured it out yet?

His head still ached and more than anything, he wanted to crawl back into bed. He lifted his head, trying to stand a little taller, trying to look a little more dignified as Princess Celestia approached.

SC276: And failing miserably.

“I hear that congratulations are in order,” Princess Celestia said as she approached.

Rye nodded, but said nothing.

“Many of my guard celebrate the first issue of their pay by going out,

JofY: [Worker A] “Hey everyone! A payment went through!”

[Everyone else] “Yaaaay”

having a nice time, then having too nice a time, and waking up in the morning with wives they had met the night before.”

SC276: this is a regular thing are you kidding me

Princess Celestia’s voice was soft, gentle, one of instruction and wisdom. “Walk with me, Mister Mash, getting the blood flowing should help your head.”

SC276: [Celestia] “And if it doesn’t, I can just mind-control your nervous system into increasing your heart rate or something.”

Obedient, Rye fell into step with Princess Celestia as she took off at a trot.

JofY: So, she called running, walking? What a jerk.

He bit down on his lip, not knowing what to say or to do, not knowing why he was here speaking to her without his captain.

JofY: Is he going to start crying?

SC276: How about asking where they’re actually going?

“What do you plan to do, Mister Mash?” Princess Celestia asked.

JofY: “Do you plan to apologize?”

“I don’t know,” Rye replied, his voice low.

JofY: In all honesty, it was quite silly.

He looked up at the alicorn beside him, wondering what she was thinking, what she was feeling, and why she was talking to him about this when there were far more important things to discuss.

SC276: [Celestia, thinking] “When’s he going to drop his guard so I can mind-control him? I mean, it’s not like it’s the main thing I’m known for that diverges me from canon.”

“You have the wisdom of centuries… do you have any advice?”

“Very few ponies respect my ‘wisdom of centuries,’ Mister Mash.”

SC276: [Celestia] “Granted, that’s because of this specific narrative and no one trusts me because I keep trying to mind-control everypony.”

To Rye Mash’s ears, Princess Celestia’s voice now sounded guarded, low, almost flat,

SC276: As her characterization?

she almost sounded surprised, or perhaps he was hearing things.

JofY: But he was deaf.

It took Rye several steps to keep up with just one of Princess Celestia’s steps and he followed her as she walked around the deck, looking up at her, trying to be attentive.

JofY: Huh? What?

“Miss Mousy strikes me as being quite perceptive, smart, courageous, and capable.” Princess Celestia paused, taking a deep breath, and then continued,

JofY: “Then again, I have only known her for five seconds.”

“Tell me, how did the two of you meet?”

“I sort of rescued her from thugs and ruffians,” Rye replied.

“Ah, yes… young maids tend to want to marry their rescuers.

JofY: And some want to marry their captors.

SC276: Explain Woe then.

You have to trust somepony in this life, and who better than the individual that proves themselves trustworthy by saving your life?”

JofY: I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.

The tall white alicorn turned her head and looked down at Rye, her face still hidden under her hood.

“I don’t get it.

JofY: Join the club.

We hardly even know one another. We’re strangers.”

JofY: Celestia, or Mousy?

SC276: [Celestia] “It’s called ‘the author not knowing how to write.’”

Rye cleared his throat, aware that Princess Celestia was looking at him, but he felt uncomfortable because he could not look into her eyes. He felt small, feeling more like a colt, and he had a growing sense of insecurity. He was a foal next to this strange creature, this alicorn, this embodiment of the three tribes.

SC276: Who leaves out one of the three on her craft because *applause from Animal Crossing characters*

“Mister Mash, fillies and young mares want the same thing that everypony else wants in life.

JofY: Freedom to do what they want?

A sense of security. A feeling of protection.

JofY: Uhh… No. I never thought as a kid: “Man, I feel really unsafe about this. If only there was a way to protect me.”

SC276: That’s what blankets are for.

We all desire the same things, sustenance, shelter, and security.

JofY: Oh no. It’s philosophy hour.

Try to see the world through her eyes. She is an earth pony, she is clearly quite clever, she has her mind and little else. She has no wings, so no means to fly away from trouble, and she has no horn, which means no magic to back up her intelligence.

JofY: Okay, while this technically the same scene, it’s a different character, and the topic had shifted, so: [Racist Moment: 2]

SC276: OK, author, we get it, you don’t like Applejack, move on already.

To find the sustenance, the shelter, and the security she craves, it means finding a like minded companion that can shore up her shortcomings.”

Tail swishing, Rye nodded, understanding a bit more. “So a practical arrangement.” He blinked, almost stopping. “What about love?”

JofY: ~~Don’t you want someone to care about you?~~

“What does love have to do with anything? Sustenance, shelter, security.”

JofY: Aw great, it’s repeating.

Princess Celestia’s voice lowered, almost to a whisper.

JofY: How low can their voices go?

SC276: Hopefully low enough to get under the bar.

“Love is a luxury, something you have if you are lucky, if you are graced, if life sees fit to give you extra. Love is something you figure out if you have after you have your sustenance, shelter, and security sorted out.

JofY: Or if you want those sorted out for you.

SC276: Does anyone else hear headdesking?

If you have a good partnership with somepony and both of your mutual needs are being met, one does not sully their practical relationship with love, thus risking their very existence.

JofY: ...Huh?

But, should love happen, if you are lucky to have it blossom, it is pleasant to experience.”

JofY: [Celestia] “Just make sure to get to The Doctor, or a Delorean before you disappear.”

“So marriage isn’t about love?” Rye asked.

JofY: I sure do wonder if Kudzu is married.

“Most of the time, no it is not,”

JofY: Survey says: No!

SC276: ~Marriage is a partnership / A little tit-for-tat / You’d think a lifetime watching us / might have taught her that...~

Princess Celestia replied. “Love is something that happens in story books… more often than not, love is the undoing of many good relationships. But it is nice when you can find it. Love is a treasured, many splendored thing.”

JofY: Celestia is really bipolar about the subject. “We love, love. We love it. No! We hate love!”

SC276: I’m pretty sure she stole that line from a movie somewhere or something.

Princess Celestia let out a cough, a wheeze, and then drew in a deep breath. “Many of my guards keep the wives they wake up with.

JofY: “Daddy, I had a bad dream. Can I sleep with you?”

The seasons roll by and the seasons pass.

JofY: The seasons don’t bother helping a poor man.

SC276: I pass. New deal.

They settle in with their wives, become affectionate with time and familiarity. They have foals, become a family, life goes on. They exist together, either as partners, as friends, or as lovers for those lucky few. The seasons and time have their way with them, as seasons and time have their way with all, and one of them passes.

JofY: Are the seasons and time rapists?

The survivor realises how lucky they were to have a good partner, a good mate, they understand how blessed they were by fate and chance to wake up next to the pony they would spend their lives with after a drunken night of revelry. Such is the way that life works. I have watched this play out for thousands of turns of the seasons now. I can say that by averages, based upon my observations, of the happiest marriages I have seen, the couple started out as strangers, a chance encounter, usually involving alcohol, a simple twist of fate.”

JofY: Honestly, it can be near, far, wherever you are. I believe that your heart will, your heart will, go on.

SC276: And no one is concerned at all about the rising number of drunk marriages? Also, you’re happiest married to someone you’ve never even met? Also also, [Celestia] “Granted, that’s because I’m mind-controlling them all every time because I really don’t like any of you, but that’s the fact.”

Rye Mash did not know how to respond to everything Princess Celestia had said.

JofY: After all, it was incredibly stupid.

SC276: We’re barely holding our own ourselves.

He felt overwhelmed. How could he argue or deny the reasoning of a being that had seen thousands of turns of the seasons, by her own words?

JofY: Point out how flip-flopping she’s been?

“Mister Mash, marriage is a lot like claiming land.

JofY: ...Okay. Everyone, take five. This is going to hurt.

You do what you must, by hook or by crook, you claim or you seize what you have an interest in, and then after laying a claim to it, or after taking it, you do what you can to make the land yours.

SC276: You get drunk for it?

JofY: I’d recommend running-on it.

You build a homestead. You build walls for defense. The important thing is that you have the land, you figure out what to do with it after you have it.

JofY: Alright, we’ve fought for over 50 years, lost millions, and will forever be broken, just to get this land… Aw hell, what did we want it for again?

With land comes sustenance, shelter, and security.”

SC276: So… the leader of Equestria doesn’t give a fuck about women's rights? Is the author literally brain-dead?

To Rye’s ears, Princess Celestia sounded like a patient schoolteacher. A somewhat sick, weakened schoolteacher.

JofY: A shallow parody of what she once was.

SC276: [Celestia] “Usually I have them under mind-control by now.”

She did not sound well. To show that he was listening, he acknowledged her words. “I think I have a better understanding now… maybe. I still need time to think and sort everything out.”

Thoughtful, Rye, who thought himself intelligent, noticed that Princess Celestia kept using three words over and over. Sustenance, shelter, and security. As he trotted beside her, he gave these words some thought and considered how they applied to him.

SC276: Not all that well, as it turned out.

When he was a servant, he hardly ever had to worry about where his next meal came from.

JofY: Didn’t he have money in the last part?

Sure, most of them were not very good meals, but he had food. He had to have food to function, and Lace Collar had made certain that he was fed.

JofY: Okay… Well, too bad I don’t know anything to nitpick this scene.

SC276: I’m guessing the feed was salty, white, and came out of his cocktip.

Rye had a roof over his head. He had lived among the very wealthy and the privileged. The roof over his head had been far better than those who lived in shacks. He had lived a sheltered, comfortable enough, well to do existence acting as Lace Collar’s servant. As for security, for most of his existence as a servant, he had been kept safe.

SC276: Yeah, like that helped when the pirate ship attacked.

Looking back on it all, he understood why he had been such a happy servant, an obedient and well heeled servant that jumped at his master’s every order.

As a servant, as an indentured servant,

SC276: Stop repeating yourself.

SC276: Freakin’ touch me again and I’ll feed you to the fic!

he had enjoyed a level of sustenance, shelter, and security not available to the common pony.

JofY: Yeah, the commons don’t get any of those… Except we already saw, and talked about how they had a place to get food, sleep, and know that there was a force dedicated to keeping the peace, two chapters ago.

He now understood why ponies lined up to be servants for the wealthy; butlers, maids, scullery maids, chambermaids, nannies, nursemaids,

JofY: Laundry maids, house maids, lady’s maid, parlour maids- What we’re saying, is that it’s good to be a maid.

SC276: And we have seen evidence that this occurs where now?

by giving up some of their freedom and making themselves beholden to wealthy masters, they too, enjoyed a level of sustenance, shelter, and security that would otherwise be outside of their reach.

Then, it dawned upon him.

JofY: NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW SECENYA!

Mousy was not the sort who would be happy in servitude, at least, that was Rye’s well reasoned guess, so she had turned to less than legal activities as a means to provide for her own needs.

SC276: Like riffing terrible fanfiction.

For Mousy, marriage must have been preferable to outright servitude, a means to an end.

SC276: So she agreed to marry a drunk moron for her own future well-being… after leaving being a petty thief behind to join a pirate crew. Seems a bit of an unnecessary step, given Woe is in much the same boat, if even lower with a missing eye, and she’s gotten more character development even outside our actual development.

As for Rye himself, he had picked up a gun, he had armed himself. He now had the means to provide for his own sustenance, shelter, and security. Rye was never going back to servitude;

JofY: Damn it! I just accepted the fact that he was!

while there was happiness in having your needs provided for, there could be happiness in slavery, Rye would never go back.

JofY: Hey, black people in the 1800’s, what do you think?

Giving up his own personal liberty was not something that Rye had any desire to do.

SC276: And yet his narrative is an entangling prison.

“You have become quiet and thoughtful, my little pony,”

JofY: *punches someone*

SC276: Ow. Next time, aim for the pillow with the plant painted on it. ...I don’t know what the author looks like.

JofY: Sorry, I need to hurt an actual being whenever I read it.

Princess Celestia said to Rye.

Hearing Princess Celestia, Rye Mash had started to reply, his mouth opened, but no words came out. He wasn’t feeling very good, he was still hungover, and his mind was racing with all manner of profound thoughts.

“I wanted to speak with you alone, Mister Mash, because you impressed me.

JofY: “Your dick, is in fact, the biggest across all the land.”

SC276: [Celestia] “Unfortunately for you, being a pirate, you spend most of your time above water.”

Most ponies would have surrendered their weapons and stood down. You remained defiant. Foolish, perhaps, reckless, perhaps,

SC276: [Celestia] “Stupid, definitely…”

but you stuck to your guns in the most literal sense.

JofY: “Honestly, I’m a bit worried where you got the glue.”

I wanted to get to know you better as a pony.

JofY: As a horse though...

SC276: [Celestia] “Because Me-knows knowing you as a character is futile.”

I must confess,

SC276: ~-I have saved for the last / for the ruler of this Christmasland...~

I still have some reservations about entrusting the safety and welfare of my student into your care.”

SC276: [Celestia] “I have seen what you do with your guns, and despite having seen everything for at least several hundred years, I am what is called ‘grossed the fuck out.’”

“I probably didn’t do a very good job of assuring you by going out and doing what I did,” Rye Mash replied, now feeling very self conscious about what he had done. “I am never drinking again, ever.”

SC276: Yeah, I doubt that.

“So many little ponies say that after a night of drinking and waking up with a new wife or husband.” Princess Celestia let out a weak chuckle.

JofY: So, Polygamy is legal?

SC276: No, that’s poly of me! ...Doesn’t work as well.

“I do believe that the world would end if alcohol ceased to flow.”

SC276: I WAS JOKING!

“No, I mean it, I’m never drinking again… I can accept the consequences of waking up married, I’ll live with that and I will make it right, but strong drink opens up too many opportunities for one to lose his liberty.”

JofY: Aww hell. Now Rye is going to show off his philosophy minor.

SC276: Plus, y’know, wide-open to a backstab.

Rye Mash flogged his brain for a metaphor, some clever means to drive his point home, and he chewed upon his lip as he tried to think.

SC276: But failed miserably.

“It pleases me to hear you say that.”

Ears perking, he looked at Princess Celestia, hearing her words. He gave a nod of acknowledgement, was distracted for a moment by the shrieking of seagulls, and then knew what he wanted to say, how he could express himself.

JofY: Celestia-senpai noticed him!

“Drinking like that is like giving over my guns… I can no longer be responsible for myself,

JofY: So, removing his weapons, is like getting drunk, which would mean that he would be in such a rage state that… Oww...

I cannot defend my own liberties, and surrendering my guns is something that I will never allow myself to do, ever. Imbibing strong drink undermines my self standards.”

SC276: You don’t have standards, crotch-shooter..

The pair walked in silence, Rye Mash trying to keep up with the much longer stride of the princess beside him.

SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!

JofY: ...You know, they’ve been walking this entire time. Where have they been walking?

He could hear her laboured breathing, it was clear that she was sick, something was wrong, but she struck him as being far too proud to acknowledge it or let it slow her down.

SC276: I’d say Inky got a curse on her somehow, but that’s giving plant-boy too much credit.

As he walked, he watched a group of unicorns scrubbing the deck along the rails where birds had been sitting.

The silence became stifling, Rye felt as though he should be saying something, that there should be conversation,

JofY: There just was!

that was why he was here after all, he had only been quiet so he could listen to whatever Princess Celestia had to say.

SC276: What, you can’t hear the run-on sentences chasing down their prey?

But now, the silence had the wrong feel to it, it felt as though something needed to be said, but he didn’t know what.

SC276: Didn’t we already go through this?

Princess Celestia was trying to learn more about him, what sort of pony he was, she was looking for reassurance that her student could be found and that her student would be safe.

SC276: I mean, she could just mind-control him. That’s a thing she does in this universe, I believe.

Rye Mash issued a challenge to his brain—try to find something reassuring to say to the alicorn princess beside him.

SC276: It failed miserably. Fail 3x combo!

JofY: “I hate sand!”

Something heartfelt, sincere, and meaningful.

SC276: Coming from Kudzu? Highly doubt it.

Whatever she was, an alicorn, a princess, she was also a mare, a pony. She had to have all of the same sorts of fear, worries, and doubt he did. Princess Celestia also needed sustenance, shelter, and security, or so Rye reasoned.

SC276: If you’re telling me she’s literally getting sick with worry, I’ll run you through. A cannonball run. You through.

As he thought about this, Princess Celestia fell to the deck with a thump beside him.

SC276: Fucking timing!

Rye cried out, startled, fearful, he stood wide eyed and staring at her fallen form.

JofY: Fallen, from her prime state, you might say.

Blood began to pool around her muzzle, gushing from both nostrils.

SC276: Well that’s definitely something that should happen at this point with no fucking warning!

JofY: Man, she got really horny.

Not even giving it a second thought, he lifted her head away from the deck, pulling back her hood, trying to keep the blood from staining her white pelt.

SC276: Her mane, however, could get all the blood it wanted.

There were black circles around her eyes, which were closed, and she did not look well.

SC276: Well she just fainted and is having the mother of all nosebleeds, of course she doesn’t fucking look well!

JofY: My god! We already knew this from before!

Lifting his head at the sound of approaching guards, Rye panicked. “I didn’t do anything!”

“We know,” a guard replied as he approached, “we were watching.

JofY: “Don’t worry, we’re the cause.”

Please, keep holding her head, if you don’t mind.”

JofY: Okay, while it is actually a bad idea to do this, there is a reasonable amount of people who don’t know this, so I’ll give this a pass.

The guard, a gruff looking pegasus, looked around. “Somepony go get some cloths. We’re going to need a few unicorns to carry her belowdecks!”

SC276: [guard] “I mean, one stout Earth pony could also do the job, but fuck them they’re useless.”

“What is wrong with her?” Rye asked as he continued to cradle Princess Celestia’s head in his telekinesis.

SC276: Well her nose is fucking bleeding, for one...

His eyes narrowed and his face became pinched with concern, it was strange watching an alicorn bleed, strange and more than a little frightening. She was the Goddess of the Sun, Immortal, Just, and True.

SC276: Because gods don’t bleed.

Watching blood as it gushed from her nostrils was terrifying.

JofY: It was like a hose watering a lawn of death.

What could do this to her?

SC276: If it actually is a curse, I so totally called it.

The guard’s expression soured. “She won’t tell us… she is far too proud. But something is working against her.” The guard’s scowl intensified. “Should you find the cause for her malady when you go hunting for her student, I hope that you will put lots of bullets into whomever or whatever is responsible for this.”

JofY: Yes, shoot the virus. Shoot, the virus. SHOOT! THE! VIRUS! Yes, I know that it’s going to be magical B.S., but do they? After all, Celestia isn’t being forthcoming with info, so for all they know, it could be a specific disease.

Rye nodded, “Oh, believe me, I shall…”

SC276: [Rye] “Followed by my dick in each hole!”

Author's Note:

Been at this chapter since early this morning.

JofY: But it’s 12:01 am!

It kept coming out all wrong.

SC276: If this is what you consider right, I’d hate to see the earlier drafts. Also, that’s probably because that shit is wrong.

I think I'm happy with this version. Princess Celestia kept sounding condescending and preachy in previous versions.

JofY: Now she just talks about how love is false and should be searched for only three times.

SC276: Instead, Rye sounds like that now. Good compromise.

Ugh, I've been at this since about 6 AM.

Chapter 29

There was no feeling worse than being in the dark about something that was going on.

JofY: Unfortunately, the switch was on the other side of the room and he didn’t feel like getting up to flip it.

Rye Mash hated it, he felt frustrated and angry as he stood upon the deck of The Apogee looking over at Princess Celestia’s ship. Unable to do anything, Rye stomped his hoof and as he did so, he heard the fluttering of wings, the sound of feathers cutting through wind.

“Mister Mash—”

SC276: ~Your heart’s an empty hole...~

Rye did not look at his captain, but remained focused on Princess Celestia’s ship.

SC276: Are you able to refer to the character as anything besides “Princess Celestia”?

“—I had a pegasus from the guard come over and tell me what happened.” Captain Spyglass folded his wings against his sides and moved beside Rye. “I was told that you acted like a perfect gentlepony, and that you impressed all of those who observed you.”

JofY: Guess who just earned themselves a trip to McDonalds!

SC276: [Spyglass] “Why he told me that before telling me about the princess collapsing with a horribly-bleeding nose is beyond me.”

“I wasn’t trying to impress anypony,” Rye replied.

SC276: You weren’t trying to shot that griffon captain’s groin off either. When are you going to accept that you do things by accident a lot?

Looking solemn, Spyglass cleared his throat. “Nevertheless, you did, and it means a great deal to me. Mister Mash, as ponies of fortune, we have little but our reputation. While I must confess that I was furious with you for not surrendering your guns, it seems that it has worked out for the best.

JofY: Okay, this dialogue is as wooden as in an RPG with ‘moral choices’.

Princess Celestia was impressed by your,” the pegasus’ face contorted as he thought about the right words to say, “display of defiance.”

SC276: [Celestia] “I don’t know why I’m intrigued by someone that didn’t fall under my mind-control like immediately.”

Captain Spyglass relaxed a bit, his ears splaying out sideways from his head. “We’ll be leaving soon, we have kindly been provided with a lead. We’ll be heading to Cheval Rouge, a city to the north of here in Fancy.”

SC276: I thought they were in Fancy already. The town they’re in is named after Port-Blanc, and that’s pretty far north as it is as France goes. The first result for “rouge france,” since “Cheval Rouge” is an abstract sculpture in Washington DC, on Google is Collonges-la-Rouge, which is further south.

“Good, I’d like to get started.” Rye’s brows furrowed and his forehead wrinkled.

“Mister Mash, this is going to be a bloody business…

JofY: “Seriously, the blood bank in town closed donations with how much they collected from Celestia’s nose.”

I’d like to keep as much of my crew out of it as possible—”

SC276: You attack slaving ships stocked with creatures that have talons. How is this going to be more bloody than that?

“I understand,” Rye said, cutting in and nodding his head.

One eye squinting, the other eye wide, Spyglass gave Rye a curious look.

JofY: I don’t think that’s a curious look.

He could sense the anger coming from his cabin colt, the frustration, the eagerness.

JofY: Anakin, no!

SC276: Anakin, yes!

Captain Spyglass came to the unsettling conclusion that Rye Mash wanted the bloody business to start…

JofY: He was not going to let that little girl bleed out on him!

SC276: What do you expect when his main talent is firearms?

Rye wanted to be in the middle of it. Rye was one of those sorts of ponies.

“She is a majestic creature, isn’t she?” Spyglass asked in a low voice.

SC276: Given we’ve had Rye give personalities to his guns, I’m not sure who exactly they’re talking about.

“Yes, she is,” Rye replied.

“I still don’t know how I feel about getting involved in this.” Captain Spyglass’ eyes glanced over at Princess Celestia’s airship.

SC276: [Spyglass] “I mean, it’s one thing attacking ships all by our lonesome, but getting the crown’s permission to improve the world? Awfully suspicious.”

Guards marched on the deck and the sound of ironshod hooves could be heard from where the pegasus stood on The Apogee.

“It feels like the right thing to do,” Rye said, his voice dropping, almost to a whisper.

JofY: Why is everyone so scared they’re being listened to?

SC276: Big Sister is watching.

“Speaking of the right thing to do…” Captain Spyglass’ words trailed off as he turned to look at Rye. “Are you going to do right by Miss Mousy?”

SC276: And now I’m thinking of Minnie Mouse, great job, story.

Rye’s ears fell, drooping against his cheeks. He turned to look at his captain. “She caught me fair and square.

JofY: ...Title drop?

I allowed myself to be caught.

JofY: Title drop.

I intend to do what is right.”

JofY: Run away.

“Good, I would be disappointed with you otherwise.” Captain Spyglass drew in a deep breath, his sides expanding, and his wings flapped once against his sides. “Several of my crew got married during shore leave.

JofY: You know, not every one night stand leads to pregnancy.

SC276: All marriages are a result of drunken one-night stands, all fillies expect to get it in the ass, all griffons are slavers… This is perhaps the most one-dimensional load of nothing I’ve ever seen.

They have all asked to be left here. I’ve taken on several new crew members… ah, Sable Blanc. The young and the hopeful come here, both fillies and colts, all of them looking for a ship to enter the harbour.

JofY: Ya gonna have children running the ship!?

For fillies of the right age, each ship brings a chance to marry, and for colts, a ship is a means of escape, a chance to see the world.

JofY: To wear a red shirt and be shot and forgotten before the episode ends.

SC276: And the fillies don’t want to escape because *Bobert commercial*

Much of my crew once boarded a ship in a harbour just like this one, and now that they have seen the world, they are ready to settle down. A young maid is happy to catch them.

JofY: [Rye] “What about the foa-”

[Spyglass] “Especially the foals!”

Such is the way of life. After settling down, the young couple has a few foals. Time passes. In time, there is a new filly waiting for ships on the horizon, bringing with them a chance for a husband, or a colt watching and waiting for a ship to take him away from this boring place, giving him a chance for adventure on the high sea or in the clouds.

JofY: And thus, the cycle runs-on.

SC276: It’s gotta break at some point. Eventually, someone’s gonna marry someone without being drunk first, and the whole system will collapse.

But the circle of life begins and ends in little towns like this one.”

SC276: Shut up, Mufasa.

Blinking, Rye took in his captain’s words.

“Mister Mash, I have lived long enough that I have seen this drama play out an endless number of times now.”

JofY: And none of them can act!

SC276: I can’t tell, did that guy die? It was kind of ambiguous.

Captain Spyglass sighed. “So many ponies walk in and out of my life. Crab Apple is leaving us, Mister Mash. He will be returning home upon one of Princess Celestia’s ships.”

“Why now, of all times?” Rye asked.

SC276: [Spyglass] “He realized that he contributed nothing to the plot and the author hates Earth ponies.”

“He has earned the wealth that he was looking for.

JofY: One penny.

With the pardon I secured for him from Princess Celestia, he feels it is time to get away from this life while he still can. I shall miss him a great deal, I liked him.”

JofY: He was named.

Captain Spyglass’ mane lifted in the strong breeze and his feathers ruffled. He breathed in the tangy, salty air, his nostrils flaring.

SC276: Dude, you fly over the ocean all the goddamn time. You can do that whenever.

“Captain Spyglass, if you will excuse me, I am going to go and speak with my wife.”

Belowdecks was a mess.

JofY: He just got sued by his best friend.

SC276: And then he went out drinking to forget and ended up getting hitched because the author has no idea what “variance” is.

The smell of wood was strong in the air, along with sawdust. It seemed that some carpentry was going on. A few strange unicorns that Rye didn’t know, along with a few minotaurs, were doing some woodworking. Rye could hear the sounds of sawing and of hammering, which filled his head with a throbbing ache.

JofY: Stop being useful! His poor mind can’t handle the stress!

It seemed the cabins were being rebuilt to be more efficient.

JofY: It would be able to be slept in with 30% more speed!

SC276: What, hammocks weren’t enough for you people? Particularly given I’ve seen where the plot’s going since the Spyglass conversation.

Looking around, he saw no sign of Mousy or Bloody Velvet. Much to his surprise, Starjammer was working with the carpenters, Rye couldn’t believe that Starjammer would sully himself with common labour, yet the quiet stallion of few words was building a door frame.

JofY: But enough about wingmen.

SC276: When has Starjammer shown he avoids doing hard labor when he’s on a freakin’ pirate ship?

From somewhere out of line of sight, he could hear Oola singing something as she worked, some song about a hammer.

SC276: [Oola] ~Maxwell Edison, majoring in medicine, calls her on the phone...~

The sawdust in the air made Rye feel like sneezing. He fled the area, turning tail, heading back up the stairs, and then emerged out upon the deck.

SC276: I don’t think the author knows how “belowdecks” works.

No sign of Mousy or Bloody Velvet anywhere. Or Woe Betide, now that he thought about it.

Frowning, Rye wondered if Bloody Velvet and Mousy were avoiding him. What if Mousy had herself a change of heart?

JofY: She finally found a donor?

What if she wanted out of this?

JofY: Que get out of story joke.

SC276: [Mousy] “We gotta find a way outta this fic!”

JofY: See?

Or what if Velvet was trying to get Mousy to reconsider? His head still hurt too much to think about this. He needed a quiet place, a dark place, a place with no sun, no sound, a peaceful place to rest his head, but no such place seemed to exist at the moment.

SC276: *aims a cannon at him* I can fix that!

JofY: I bet you don’t have the balls to launch it.

SC276: I’ll just use the rest of you for ammo.

JofY: ...Yeah. That ain’t gonna work.

Somepony was trying to put an end to the Alicorn of the Sun,

SC276: Who ruled the Kingdom of the Sun before it got reworked into Celestia’s New Groove...

which would no doubt plunge the world into darkness, his new wife and his friend seemed to be avoiding him, his head hurt, and he had no quiet place to retreat to.

JofY: And he couldn’t help himself from running on.

This was turning out to be a wretched day.

SC276: This was turning out to be a wretched fic. Like, more wretched than originally anticipated.

Rye closed his eyes and gritted his teeth together.

JofY: He’s going 90’s! Run!

Perhaps he could go into town, find a quiet cafe, and have a nice cup of tea.

SC276: Maybe get drunk and married to someone else.

Rye Mash gave a bleary stare up at the wooden sign.

JofY: [Sign] “If you are reading this, you’re driving too close.”

“Tarte et Café.” Rye had no clue what the words meant, but there was a picture of a pie and a cup on the sign. Lines had been carved into the wood over the pie and the cup, a visual representation of steam rising.

In front of the cafe, there was a unicorn painting on a battered looking easel, a large mug of some hot, steaming beverage beside him, along with a baguette, a wedge of cheese, and a bottle of wine, still corked.

JofY: He’s FRENCH!

SC276: And… apparently a painting?

The unicorn was painting a bowl of fruit, an act which baffled Rye Mash. Why would anypony paint a bowl of fruit?

JofY: Most ponies paint vegetables.

He did not understand art sometimes.

SC276: Given what we’ve been reading, neither does the author.

He pushed open the door and was hit by a rush of cool air. Inside the cafe, it was cool, delightfully so,

SC276: Apparently the French invented air conditioning.

it was dim, the air was fragrant with the smell of baked goods, tea, and coffee.

“Welcome to Monsieur Cake’s bakery, sailor,” an older mare behind the counter said. “I am Mademoiselle Petits Pains, but most of our customers call me Madam Buns, or just Buns.”

JofY: “(In a bad French accent) But you would k’new if you warnt such a filthy pig!”

SC276: Why would her customers, who presumably speak the language on the sign, not use part of her actual name?

The older mare smiled and gestured at the empty cafe. “Sit anywhere you like. You came in during an off hour. Most are busy working… we get most of our business during the lunch hour or during the evening, when a pony wishes to unwind.”

SC276: Trust me, it’s 2:30 pm right now, and I need to unwind seriously from going through this nonsense.

The cafe’s interior was almost all stone. Stone floor, stone walls, stone counters, all of it cool and inviting.

JofY: All in all, it was a good place to get stoned.

SC276: This is my brand of decor when I’m sucking at designing environments.

The tables appeared to be old barrels cut in half and set upon the floor.

JofY: Unfortunately, the wood was rotten on most of them.

SC276: Must not be a very prosperous café if it can’t afford actual tables.

There were no chairs, just worn out looking pillows and cushions left scattered around the half barrel tables.

JofY: In all honesty, they should have gone all the way with the stone motif.

The interior was dim, almost dark, and there was a peculiar stench in the air that made the back of the Rye’s throat tickle. He stood, sniffing, trying to figure out what the horrible smell was. It was like rancid milk left in the sun, but worse, far, far worse.

SC276: That’s the cue to go eat someplace else. This joint probably has rats or something.

“Smells marvellous, doesn’t it?” the old mare asked. She closed her eyes, inhaled, and then opened her eyes as her smile widened.

JofY: She just started the high.

“We make monster cheese…

JofY: I was joking!

there is a batch aging in the cellar… we take the finest goats, scare them with the finest monsters, and it produces a most merveilleux fromage.”

JofY: ...This is a place that serves goat piss?

SC276: What, no special unicorns to milk them with?

“Oh.” Rye stared at the mare, wondering if she was pulling his leg.

“My granpapa has experimented with using a cockatrice to stare at the cheese…

JofY: What the fuck am I on!?

SC276: Whatever it is, I want in.

it makes the cheese very hard, gives it a rock solid rind, but it also gives the cheese a most unusual but pleasant flavour.

JofY: Personally, I find it rather pissy.

It is rather nutty,” the chatty old mare said to Rye as the colt sat down upon a faded purple pillow with tassels on each of the four corners.

SC276: [Buns] “Now buy some, because that’s the only reason I’d talk about it besides pointless exposition the audience doesn’t care about.”

“I’d like a cup of tea, please. And maybe something to eat… I’m suffering from a hangover…

JofY: It has to have been hours! My god! How bad are your hangovers!?

SC276: Bad enough he got fucking married, apparently.

I don’t know what sounds good to eat right now.”

JofY: “Hell, I sorta want to eat a pigeon.”

Rye leaned against the half barrel table, his head aching, and his stomach turning from the stench creeping up out from the cellar.

SC276: If the smell is making you sick, the number one survival instinct is leave the room.

“Oui, Monsieur, I have what you need,” the mare replied, her smile vanishing as a look of genuine concern took over her features.

JofY: Realizing where she was.

Hooves clicking, the mare darted through a doorway and vanished, leaving Rye all alone.

Sighing, Rye decided that he liked the older unicorn mare.

SC276: Insert harem joke here.

He rested against his half barrel table, his forelegs folded over the heavy, well worn and well polished wood. He heard the clatter of metal coming from some back room, the sound caused his ears to twitch and made him grimace in pain.

JofY: This is why we think of him as a whimp.

But then the silence returned and Rye felt a little better.

SC276: Meanwhile, we feel worse.

He dug out his coin purse from a pouch on his body harness and set it out on the table.

SC276: It was immediately stolen. *pulls out a vacuum cleaner*

JofY: Oh, thank you. You have no idea how long that rug’s been dirty.

He belched, a sour taste flooding his mouth, and he shuddered as the foul smell of his own breath violated his nostrils.

SC276: You feel your sins crawling down your back.

The mare reappeared, bearing a tray.

JofY: And forced the tray down his mouth.

She hurried through the room, moving with care and near silence, her hoofsteps muffled against the stone floor.

SC276: What’s the rush? It’s not like you have other customers, though given the terrible lighting, they could just be lurking in the corners.

Standing by Rye’s table, she put down a large mug, a teapot, a small bowl of heavy cream, a jar of honey, a plate of some pastries, and a large wedge of pie.

SC276: That’s a lot of stuff for someone that hasn’t even paid yet.

The pie was strange and Rye stared at it.

SC276: Don’t do that, it’s rude.

“Quiche,” the mare said before Rye could speak. “A pie made from eggs, cheese, and vegetables. Today’s quiche has spinach, fennel, leeks, and eggplant. I assure you, it will make you feel better.”

SC276: Probably me too, but those last three things kill it for me.

There was a soft clunk of metal as the mare set down a spoon beside the slice of pie. “Bon appétit.”

SC276: Who eats pie with a freakin’ spoon?

JofY: Note: We here at F/F/T3k15 do not discriminate against others eating choices. If you do eat pie with a spoon, blame SC276 and not us. Thank you.

The mare bowed and then hurried away. Rye watched her go and heard her say, “Forgive me, but there are things in the oven that must come out… we are preparing for the rush of evening.”

SC276: What freakin’ time is it anyway?

JofY: I don’o clock.

Rye realised

SC276: British!

that the mare had not collected payment.

SC276: That’s because the only currently she accepts is souls.

JofY: Darn, I still haven’t gone back from children's hearts after my trip.

Bleary eyed, he blinked a few times, not knowing what to do, then, shrugging, he lifted up his spoon in his telekinesis, poked at his strange pie, and took a bite.

It was hot, but not too hot.

SC276: So, just right?

It was eggy, it was cheesy, it oozed with buttery flavour, and Rye found that he was, indeed, hungry. He tore into his slice of quiche with gusto, gobbling it down, forgetting all about his good manners.

SC276: Much like the author did by posting this travesty in the first place.

As he shoveled the last bite of quiche into his mouth, the door to the cafe opened.

JofY: “THIS IS THE POLICE! WE HEARD A REPORT ABOUT SOMEONE FORGETTING THEIR MANNERS!”

Rye lifted his head while smacking his lips and chewing. What he saw surprised him. He sat there, blinking, and his food almost fell out of his mouth.

Mousy and Bloody Velvet had entered.

SC276: Well that’s right convenient.

Something was different about Mousy and Velvet,

SC276: They had misplaced their pronouns somewhere.

JofY: They were dead.

but Rye could only stare at Mousy. She was shiny, sleek, her pelt was slick looking, her mane had been trimmed and so had her tail.

JofY: Someone abused her with glitter!

Rye’s spoon clattered to the table with a metallic thump of silver on wood.

SC276: Dude, she just took a bath or something.

JofY: ...That’s the oddest euphemism for an erection I’ve heard.

“And here he is… I told you I would find him,” Velvet said to Mousy.

SC276: [Velvet] “AND UNIT-MOUSEY DOUBTED THIS UNIT’S GPS FUNCTIONALITY.”

Smiling, Velvet gave Mousy a nudge, a wink, and a nod.

JofY: Is she a goer? You know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

“I’m going to leave you two alone.” Velvet turned her head and looked at Rye, giving him a distasteful scowl.

JofY: ...Well, someone’s being rude.

“Rye, darling, close your mouth. It’s full of food.”

SC276: Oh shut up, ya bloody robot.

With that, Bloody Velvet backed out of the door and was gone, leaving Rye and Mousy alone in the cafe.

JofY: The waitress is making a break for it!

Mousy, looking shy, approached Rye’s table, her tail swishing from side to side as she moved, her eyes focused on Rye with a bashful stare.

“Velvet insisted that I get groomed… she said that every husband deserves to see his bride in a state of perfection at least once,” Mousy said as she sat down at the table with Rye.

SC276: [Mousy] “So she threw me in the ocean. Your ‘queen’ is freakin’ crazy.”

“Do you like what you see?”

JofY: Not particularly.

Nodding, Rye swallowed with a gulp and continued to stare. He was so focused on Mousy that he failed to notice the older mare creeping up on the table, silent, moving with a wide grin, until she set down a bit more food and a second mug.

JofY: Assassin!

He glanced at her, and once again, he forgot to bring up the matter of his bill to Madam Buns.

JofY: ...Your 10 year old wife is right there!

She was gone in the bat of an eyelash, vanishing back through the door and into the kitchen, leaving Rye and Mousy in awkward silence.

SC276: This is like that restaurant in Freefall with the French ninjas, only with poorer lighting.

Rye poured himself a cup of tea, almost spilling it, and then poured one for Mousy.

JofY: Thrilling!

Rye added cream and honey to both cups as he kept glancing up at Mousy. She looked radiant, that was the only word he could think of to describe her. She was happy, joyful, and scared.

SC276: Good to know fear is a critical component of radiance.

Looking at her, Rye could see it.

JofY: The bomb.

Seeing her fear made him feel better, he wasn’t the only one feeling some trepidation about all of this.

SC276: [Rye] “Your fear arouses me. Granted, so does everything else about you.”

“Rye, I have a confession, I almost ran away,” Mousy whispered as Rye stirred both teacups. “Velvet knew what I was thinking and she stopped me.

SC276: What, you couldn’t just have the marriage annulled? Honestly, given the way Celestia was talking about it, there’s probably not a whole lot of legal meaning to the term anyway.

JofY: If you get drunk, you get married. It’s law.

I’m sorry… I…”

Looking into Mousy’s eyes, he saw a lot more fear now and a lot less joy and happiness.

SC276: Fear levels are off the charts.

Her mouth was moving, but no words were coming out.

JofY: Oh! Sorry, I accidently pressed mute.

Her ears were limp against her face. Her eyes began to glisten.

“They only tell you to catch a husband…

JofY: [Mousy] “But I’ve caught 7!”

find a worthwhile colt or a stallion and then finagle your way into marriage.”

SC276: “Wait until they’re drunk” is not “finagling” if it’s literally how every marriage starts.

Mousy shook her head as more words spilled out and she blinked away tears. “I’ll admit, about five minutes after I met you, I was plotting on how I would win you over or trick you into marriage…

JofY: *laughing* What age did she realize she need to do this?

you seemed a bit too clever and dangerous to con so I thought I would endear myself to you somehow.

SC276: And I suppose you went for him because Spyglass wasn’t available? Even though you had no evidence he was anything more than a cabin boy?

JofY: No, you see, he was wearing neon signs indicating that he was the protagonist, and their first meeting in slow-mo.

I didn’t expect for you to come to me and when you did, I told you no… I didn’t expect myself to do that, I found that I actually liked you and for a moment, I felt wrong about what I had wanted.”

JofY: Lazy retconning or subtle character development? You make the call!

Rye’s ears stood at attention while Mousy poured her heart to him.

SC276: *pours a tankard of orange juice* This is the only way I’m getting through this...

“A filly is told over and over about how to catch a colt or a stallion, but nopony ever told me what to do with one once I caught him,”

JofY: I wonder what those teaching moments were like… “Remember kids, when you meet someone of opposite gender, fling your genitals at them until they bend to your will.”

Mousy said in a low whisper as she tapped her front hooves together. “I got scared, Rye. I thought about running. I’m a grifter, Rye, and an earth pony. All I have is my wits.

SC276: [Mousy] “Also an innate connection to the land that lets me do amazing things with trial and error, but the author doesn’t know that.”

JofY: [Racist Moment: 3]

When trouble comes, all I can do is run and hope for the best.”

JofY: ~So I ran, I ran so far away.~

She turned away, her barrel rising and falling as she breathed. “I’m sorry… I don’t mean to be all weepy.” Mousy sniffled and stared down into her tea.

SC276: Don’t worry lady, it’s the author’s fault.

“As I recall, you were about to be married when we met.” Rye lifted a pastry off of the small plate beside his teacup. It had some kind of purple-red jelly, was flaky, and smelled sour.

JofY: No! Wait! You’ll have to marry it if you eat it out!

He stuffed it into his mouth and puckered up from the tart flavour of some kind of berries.

“Yes,” Mousy sighed, shaking her head, and her eyes narrowed. “He was awful, I couldn’t marry him, he got off on hurting fillies.

SC276: Is it the author? Well, he gets off on fucking fillies...

I heard stories… I’ve almost been married a few times now… I’m ashamed to admit.”

JofY: She’s like ten! How many pedofelias are there!?

SC276: Well it’s this universe, so basically half the male population. And that’s best-case.

“A few times?” Rye asked.

SC276: How many drunks does Trottingham have?

“I ain’t proud about it,” Mousy replied, “I did tell you I’m a grifter.”

“What happened?” Rye ate another tart and then slid a few over to Mousy.

SC276: Big paragraph ahoy. Literally the only good part about the fic is at least the paragraph structure is more-or-less correct.

JofY: Oh boy, sure glad I can read that and not have that fact told to me and trust it on blind faith.

“Well, during some particularly hard times, I might have led on a few well to do ponies enough to get some gifts along with talk of marriage. My former accomplices and I might have concocted a few clever ruses to make a few wealthy marks believe I was something that I was not…

SC276: “Your dowry! It’s my right!”

one suitor believed I was the unfortunate earth pony daughter of a wealthy unicorn diplomat, who would be very, very grateful if somepony took pity on his poor, unfortunate daughter that had been born an earth pony and married her.

JofY: With this statement, it almost sounds like being born without wings or a horn is a genetic defect.

JofY: I already added one for this ‘woe is me’ conversation, and it needs to be both explicit racism and a change needs to happen in the conversation to count.

As it turns out, my so called ‘father’ was my accomplice and my former boss, a unicorn named Fortunato. The pony that wanted to marry me showered me and Fortunato with gifts.”

“So what happened? How did this end?” Rye, curious, took a sip of tea and waited for Mousy to tell him.

SC276: ~Then next to the graveyard by the old oak tree / on a dark foggy night at a quarter to three / she was ready to go, but where was he...?~

“The mark had a friend that got worried and did a little investigating at the embassy. Fortunato and I were hunted. I got out of the city, Liverypool,

JofY: Boooooo.

and from what I hear, they sealed Fortunato up inside of a wall, bricking him in,”

JofY: Oh no! He could just walk away… Since it’s just one wall. Or is he actually the wall?

Mousy paused and looked Rye in the eye, “what a horrible way to go.”

SC276: Bricking him- wait... *Googles*...Fortunato is the name of the guy the protagonist of The Cask of Amontillado walls in. Author, if you’re trying to hide your sources, don’t reference Edgar Allen freakin’ Poe.

“But you got away—”

“Fortunato made certain that I got away. He gave me money and got me out of the city… he was good to me… he was into stallions and I felt safe with him…

SC276: I don’t know why this author insists on creating a dark world where a young girl has to be with a gay to feel safe.

JofY: Maybe he thinks gays are flamboyant?

he never tried to do anything awful to me and we did a lot of father-daughter scams. I was his meal ticket and he was my protection.”

JofY: Okay, where’s the shelter?

Mousy’s eyes became glassy with tears that she blinked away.

JofY: Her tears are made out of molten sand?

“It’s hard being an earth pony and it’s even harder being a female. Life doesn’t give you a lot of options,

SC276: [Mousy] “...especially when the author can’t remember what Earth ponies can actually do...”

the big cities are horrible places… I didn’t want to be a harlot, a warm inviting hole ready at a moment’s notice.

SC276: I’d ask if she was talking about when she grew up, but then I remember it’s this dumbfuck author.

I tried being honest and pulling a cab for a while, but that was dangerous…

JofY: She started smoking when she was 3.

I had passengers that wanted me to take them to less than desireable places and I knew what would happen to me if I took them there… it just isn’t safe for a female to be pulling a cab.”

JofY: When did you get a driver's license? When were cars made!?

Scowling, Rye nodded. It wasn’t safe to be a servant either, he recalled the many times he had warned a filly or a young mare fresh to the job not to be alone in a room where certain colts or stallions might prey upon them.

JofY: Wasn’t like a chapter/half a chapter ago, he was saying how safe slavery was!?

He also recalled the pained looks upon the faces of the fillies and young mares that had not listened to what he had to say.

JofY: Or were those the ones that were listening to them?...

The broken, defeated, pained looks… even worse, many of those fillies and young mares kept working after the fact, needing the job, and having no other recourse.

SC276: Also, you got beat up when the son was bad as if that was supposed to be punishment for him.

Tilting his head, Rye watched as Mousy lowered herself down and began lapping up tea from out of her cup.

JofY: Who’s a good bitch? Who’s a good bitch? You are. Yes, you are.

He saw her orange tongue flicking out from between her lips,

SC276: why is her tongue orange that is not normal tongue color

JofY: I believe it’s an animation error.

and then, her mouth puckering, she placed her lips down into her tea so she could slurp some up. He saw her eyes darting upwards, looking at him, and he could see her shy, bashful expression. She looked ashamed.

SC276: For what, drinking tea?

It was hard to tell if he was being conned and Rye wished that Velvet was here.

JofY: Clearly the crazy violent pony is what is needed.

He supposed it was in Mousy’s better interests to be honest with him.

SC276: Best interests. It’s called “best interests,” plant-boy.

Velvet had no doubt had a few choice words with Mousy, or so Rye guessed. From the kitchen, there was a soft clatter, which caused Rye and Mousy’s ears to twitch.

SC276: Obviously an important detail!

“I’ve done some bad things but I’m not a bad pony,”

JofY: You and Walter White.

Mousy whispered as she lifted her head and tea dribbled down her chin. “I can be good to you if you give me a chance.

SC276: Pretty sure he was looking for you, sister.

JofY: That word choice doesn’t help your statement.

I can be a better pony if you give me a chance. Bloody Velvet… she… she—”

“She what?” Rye asked as Mousy gave him a fearful look.

“She said that if I did you wrong that she…

JofY: [Mousy] “She gave me a purple nurple.”

well, never mind what she said.” Mousy shivered, her teeth clattering together, and she looked at Rye. “I suppose they call her Bloody Velvet for a reason.”

SC276: [Velvet] “HAVING DISCOVERED THAT FLESH-UNICORNS CAN BE REPROGRAMMED AS THIS UNIT CAN, THIS UNIT IS SEEKING TEST SUBJECTS FOR EXPERIMENTS REGARDING SAID REPROGRAMMING. FAILURE TO PLEASE UNIT-RYE WILL RESULT IN UNIT-MOUSY BEING PERMANENTLY LISTED AS A TEST SUBJECT.”

“So… partners then? You watch my back, I’ll watch yours, and while we might have some… questionable dealings with others, we remain honest and true to each other?”

SC276: Given plant-boy insists on Earth ponies being useless, she’s pretty much going to be the load for the rest of the story.

JofY: Yaaaaay.

Rye Mash gazed into Mousy’s eyes and felt his heart quicken.

JofY: His heart started taxes early this year.

She was pretty, he could not deny that.

“I can do that,” Mousy replied as she batted her eyelashes at Rye.

Rye Mash, who was feeling a little better now, found himself entranced with Mousy. “I’m looking forward to our mutually beneficial partnership…”

SC276: This is like noticing you burnt the steak, so you turn the heat down most of the way, but not turning it off so it’s still slow-cooking.

Author's Note:

My French is terrible, please, feel free to correct me if needed.

SC276: Pretty sure you’d just say I’m wrong and your story is flawless.

Chapter 30

“You wanted to see me?” Rye Mash looked at the stricken alicorn laying in her bed.

SC276: Because it’s not like she fell ill the last time they talked to each other.

Her body twitched, she shivered, and her eyes were unfocused.

JofY: [Rye] “You wanted to speak with me?”

[Celstia] *Unconscious twitching*

[Rye] “Uck! How could you!? You sicken me!”

He felt a growing feeling of concern and unease when he looked upon Princess Celestia.

He had returned to The Apogee with Mousy when he had been approached by one of Princess Celestia’s guards, telling him that he was wanted.

SC276:This guy is just bouncing between events like a freakin’ pinball. Everyone’s coming to see him.

Rye had come at once, worried, and Mousy had come with him, insisting on remaining by his side.

Princess Celestia’s laboured breathing was heavy in his ears and her eyes seemed to be staring through him. He could feel the heat radiating from her body, as if she was being consumed by some terrible fever. She was sweaty, the parts of her not covered by her blanket were slick and shiny.

JofY: Ewww...

“Stella… old tongue… it means star,”

SC276: Stella!

Princess Celestia managed to say in between panting gasps. “The stars... will aid... in her escape… star magic… is rare… and powerful… you must hurry.”

Rye’s ears perked forwards, he did not understand.

JofY: That powerful magic is in play and can be used to your advantage. Pay attention!

He lowered his head and he heard the clank of armor as a guard shifted position.

JofY: Wait a second… That’s not shift… IT’S CAPS LOCK! RUN!

When he was almost nose to nose with Princess Celestia, he realised that he could smell the sickness, that smell that ponies got from sweat, illness, high fever, and something going wrong with their insides.

JofY: Rye finally realized the benefits of him getting that medical degree.

A chilly ache permeated his guts and terminated in his balls with a stabbing throb, making the entirety of his nether regions clench.

JofY: ...Is he getting off on this!?

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” Rye said in a soft voice.

SC276: That would be because it was ambiguous as fuck.

JofY: Please try again, after the tone.

“The world… will be… lost… to darkness.”

JofY: Damn it, Darkness! Did you lose the world, again?

Princess Celestia’s halting, stammering speech came out as little more than a fevered, almost delirious sounding whisper. “Great evil… locked away… but the stars… the stars… are hers... I cannot… control them… any longer… something else… seeks… to… free… her.”

SC276: ...Well guess you’re feeling silly now for ignoring the suggestions of an assassination attempt, now aren’t you?

“Who?” Rye asked. He blinked. “I don’t understand… free what?”

“Darkness,” Princess Celestia replied, exhaling the word in a breathy utterance.

Confused, Rye stood there, not knowing what to do, what to say, or even how to respond.

JofY: He didn’t know what words are.

Princess Celestia was no doubt consumed by fever, he could see it, smell it, he could feel it radiating from her, it was like standing next to a furnace.

JofY: Cooking a fine stew.

She wasn’t making a lot of sense.

SC276: The rest of the fic is already doing that.

“You… have to… hurry, Rye,” Princess Celestia whispered.

JofY: Yeah, it’s been like a week since you first got the mission. Do something already!

Drawing in a deep breath, flogging his brain for what to say or do, Rye was about to say something when Princess Celestia’s horn flashed.

SC276: Lady, I don’t think you’re in any condition to be using magic.

The room was filled with brilliant light, leaving Rye blinded.

JofY: ~~Blinded by the light!~~

He blinked, trying to recover his vision, and he had the strangest sensation that he was falling.

SC276: Headfirst into a rock.

Shivering, Rye found himself standing in a forest.

JofY: ...Celestia's a dick!

It was dark, it was cold, and he had no idea what he was doing here.

JofY: Perhaps there should have been an actual transition.

The sky overhead was black, black as pitch, and there were no stars.

JofY: Is it as black as a sound, or as black as someone throwing a baseball?

A strange silverish light offered faint illumination, but Rye could not tell where the light was coming from. His body harness was gone, he had no guns, no means to defend himself.

JofY: Too bad he ain’t the species that can fight without any special machinery.

SC276: Or magic.

The trees were enormous, massive, and twisted. This forest was old, Rye could smell the scent of decaying wood and the sharp tang of forest loam beneath his hooves.

SC276: Maybe someone just needs to tell the author what semicolons are.

Fungal growths protruded from the trunks of the trees, extending like empty shelves.

SC276: That’s usually a sign they should’ve fallen over by now.

Rye looked around, trying to figure out where the faint silver light was coming from. There were no stars, there was no moon, the sky was as black as a funeral shroud.

JofY: Really? I mean it’s not like you said so ~7 sentences ago.

The trees had no leaves, they were withered, naked, the skeletal trees of autumn.

“Who dares to enter my realm?”

JofY: “How many times do I have to tell you people, I don’t need to find god, I am him!”

SC276: [Rye] “Um, pizza?”

The voice was cold, imperious, and regal.

SC276: Is Nightmare Moon actually involved now? I seriously doubt there’s anyone else that fits that criteria unless it’s another crap OC.

Hearing it made Rye shiver even harder. The voice echoed through the trees and the only other sound that Rye could hear was the sound of his own teeth chattering.

JofY: Then someone needs to fire the sound engineer.

His eyes darted to the left, then to the right, and his ears perked as he tried to discover the source of the sound.

JofY: His face had no idea what it’s motivation was.

“You do not have the magic to come here on your own… who might you be and why are you here?”

SC276: he was actually teleported by a sick alicorn who can’t even string sentences together are you freakin’ kidding me

JofY: [Celestia] “Aww… Did I accidentally send another pony to the dark death dimension? Great, now I need to find someone else to rescue my student.”

Muscles clenching, Rye Mash ground his teeth together, refusing to let them chatter for a second longer.

JofY: Because that kind of thing is a voluntary reaction.

He swallowed, summoning his courage,

JofY: Unfortunately, he selected the Knights of the Round and had to wait five minutes for it to be over.

but on the inside, he quailed as he felt his bowels turning to water.

JofY: ...Why?

Something about the voice was terrifying.

SC276: You mean besides coming from this story?

JofY: What? SC276, text can’t talk.

SC276: ...Wait, really?

JofY: Yeah. What? Did you forget we read words?

SC276: What, you’re not hearing it?

He started forwards, towards what he believed was the sound of the voice.

SC276: You’re going towards the scary thing without your security guns? Gheeze, no one in this universe has survival instinct.

His legs were stiff, difficult to move, and not from defiance.

SC276: They were from Pakistan.

His whole body felt frozen, not just from the temperature, but from sheer terror. It felt as though his balls were being crushed in an icy vice.

JofY: ~~Let it go! Let it g- *gets knocked unconscious*

His guts ached as his innards twisted around inside of him like writhing serpents.

SC276: Dude, if you’re gonna throw up, do it offscreen.

Ahead there was a pool of water that glowed with a silvery blue light.

JofY: Woo! Spring break!

He felt something grab him, something unseen, and he was dragged forwards, his hooves dragging through the rotting loam.

JofY: It was so evil, that it was dead.

He came to a halt at the edge of the pool, something grabbed his head, and he was forced to look down into the depths.

SC276: Author, you’re showing he’s just being puppeteered into the plot a little too literally now.

The water darkened, turning black, like spilled ink.

JofY: [Nightmare Moon] “Want to meet my pet octopus?”

Something swirled in the depths and then, blinking, two eyes appeared in the maelstrom of darkness. Two eyes, dark teal, with reptilian slitted pupils.

SC276: [Pinkie Pie] “IT’S NIGHTMARE MOON! EVERYPONY, RUN!”

JofY: oh my gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

Black tendrils rose from the surface of the water, creeping towards Rye’s face. He tried to scream, but found he couldn’t.

One of the black tendrils curled around Rye’s muzzle, holding his head in place, while yet another began to worm its way into his nostril.

SC276: Well that’s one way to do tentacle rape...

The tip of another began to work its way into the corner of his eye,

JofY: I’m just going to take the interpretation that Nightmare Moon is honestly just trying to get off with Mash, but she just has no idea what she’s doing.

trying to squeeze in, and even though Rye Mash very much wanted to scream, he found that he could not, even when he could feel something slithering behind his eyeball and burrowing into his brain.

SC276: OK uh, I’m gonna just go watch Happy Tree Friends for a while; it’s less disturbing than this.

JofY: [Nightmare Moon] “*reading a book* ...So now I’m supposed to shove as many as I can into… the front lower hole?... Okay!”

There was a brilliant red flash that blinded Rye, he blinked, trying to recover his vision, and he crumpled into a heap beside the pool of darkness.

SC276: His numerous run-on sentences were finally catching up with him.

Whatever was trying to worm its way inside of his skull was now gone, but he couldn’t see what was going on.

“Don’t you touch him!”

JofY: [???] “Putting him a latex suit is clearly more erotic!”

[Mash] “Oh, come on.”

[??? + Nightmare] “We’re trying!”

Still blinking, still trying to clear his vision, Rye recognised the sound of Bloody Velvet’s voice. Somehow, she was here, and she meant business.

SC276: Oh, they’re in one of those astral projection things that she was mentioned to be capable of doing forever ago but didn’t show until now. Also, [Velvet] “UPLINK COMPLETE.”

He didn’t know what was going on, but he felt hopeful.

SC276: You are filled with deter- *slaps self* Huh, my body refuses to associate any positive aspects of Undertale with this story on reflex. Whatta ya know.

JofY: Honestly, I would have hurt you for the overused reference.

“I don’t know who or what you are,

SC276: [Velvet] “FACIAL ANALYSIS RESULTS: NO MATCHES.”

but you’ve made a terrible mistake…

JofY: [Velvet] “The arms aren’t correctly bound, the positioning is not humiliating...”

I’ll end you for this!” Bloody Velvet shrieked.

SC276: Yeah, have fun killing Nightmare Moon like three hundred years or something before she returns and gets rainbow’d.

A blast of heat washed over Rye, driving the cold from his body, and now he felt a bit singed.

JofY: [Mash] “~~Hello, my baby! Hello, my darling! Hello, my ragtime gal.~~”

The explosion did nothing to help his vision. He was blind, but he could hear.

SC276: Because the author is too lazy to write a proper battle scene.

He heard fizzles, pops, the sounds of magic, and heard the sounds of water splashing.

JofY: Rice Krispies!

He felt a curious sensation in his navel, as though something was tugging on him from the inside.

JofY: He’s preggers.

It was a bit uncomfortable at first, then it became a little painful, and then, without further ado, it became excruciating—Rye feared that he was about to be turned inside out.

SC276: OK, whoever managed to fire an agony beam into the fic from here, raise your hand now and I might not knock you out and steal it for personal use.

JofY: You do realize I’m going to have to dismantle it, right?

He tried to cry out in pain and couldn’t. He rolled over onto his back and felt something slither around his leg.

JofY: Nightmare Moon just apparently doesn’t care what Velvet has to say.

Something was dragging him, he was being pulled down the slope and he realised he was being pulled into the pool of darkness.

SC276: Gheeze, Nightmare Moon wants the D bad.

“NO!” Bloody Velvet commanded, her voice accompanied by a searing blast of heat.

Rye felt himself let go.

JofY: He gained 20 pounds in, like a week.

Confused, still blinded, he didn’t know what to do,

SC276: Well you should clearly continue being present, since that’s the only way the plot insists on happening.

but he tried crawling away from the pool before he was grabbed again. The tugging sensation inside of his navel grew in strength and Rye Mash endured the peculiar sensation that he imagined felt a lot like birth;

JofY: Oooh! One more fetish and I get bingo!

he could feel his body being pulled through a hole that seemed far too small.

SC276: No, that’s apparition.

JofY: Push!

Princess Celestia’s pale magenta eyes were boring a hole into him and Rye Mash found that he could not turn away. He was mesmerised, unable to move, scarcely even able to breathe, and his nose was pressed up against the alicorn’s graceful, but sweaty snoot.

SC276: Well if that thing from earlier wasn’t mind rape...

“Cerise Velvet… has… grown… powerful... she might… even be… the one… to restore… magic.” Princess Celestia’s panted words were hot and wet against Rye’s muzzle. “So… much… power… and… love… for… her… friends… she… might… be… the… one.”

SC276: No, author, the Matrix doesn’t explain any of this shit.

JofY: You’re doing the William Shatner impression wrong. It’s supposed to be pause, speak quickly, pause. Not, pause, pause, pause.

Whatever was holding Rye let go of him and he lifted his head, Princess Celestia’s eyes followed him, remaining locked upon him.

SC276: [Celestia] “What did you do with the key, kid…?!”

Try as he might, he found he could not look away from her gaze, but he did manage to take a step backwards.

JofY: Quick! Strafe!

Rye Mash, Rye Mash

SC276: ~-baker’s man, bake me a cake as fast as you can...~

blinked as he heard Princess Celestia’s voice inside of his head, coming from in between his ears.

JofY: It must have gone through his ears like most sounds do!

You must hurry. Find Stella before it is too late.

SC276: Now for the game we call “Did Ring forget to check the formatting or was the author just that stupid?” ...Aaaaand it’s Ring messing up. All these inner thoughts are supposed to be in italics. Also Ring left out the horizontal line rules.

JofY: Point goes to Kudzu.

I was right to trust in both you and Velvet. Go and speak to her, she will know more of what to do.

SC276: Go speak to this NPC to finish this quest objective.

Trust in your friends, Rye… friendship is a magic all its own…

SC276: And yet every single marriage in the world requires the guy getting drunk first.

JofY: ...If you think about it, does that just mean that Candace is the princess of getting drunk?

it might be our last defense against what is surely coming.

SC276: Well we haven’t hit the stupidity saturation point yet, I don’t think. I don’t think even our own friendly neighborhood robot is going to help with that.

With a gasp, Princess Celestia’s eyes rolled up into her head and she went still, her breathing becoming shallow. Rye stood there, silent, now free of whatever enchantment that had held him.

JofY: *pulls out a Scroll of Examination* ...A +5 to quickness apparently.

He was able to look around, and he saw Mousy staring at him, a fearful look upon her face.

JofY: She gained new fetishes that day.

Lowering his head, Rye Mash pressed his muzzle against Princess Celestia’s, a gesture of affection, hoping to get some response out of her.

JofY: [Mousy] “You slut!”

There was none. She lay there, limp, unresponsive, and Rye felt hot tears lurking in the corners of his eyes seeing her in this state.

SC276: She’s not dead, you idiot. She and Luna still have to do that brainwash thing in the future that Ring keeps telling me about.

After a moment, he pulled himself away, turned to look at Mousy, and then said, “I think I need to go and talk to Bloody Velvet.”

“Rye, are you okay?” As Bloody Velvet spoke, Rye felt himself snatched in powerful magic and jerked forwards.

SC276: Gheeze, lady, let him walk!

JofY: [Rye] “Don’t bind me!”

Bloody Velvet was shaking far worse than usual, and as he found himself being examined.

SC276: [Velvet] “RUNNING EXTERNAL DIAGNOSTICS....”

She looked into his eyes, gazed at his nose, checked his ears, and then rubbed her quivering, palsy afflicted cheek against his.

JofY: She’s paralyzed!?

“I’m fine,” Rye replied, “mind telling me what that was?”

SC276: [Velvet] “THAT WAS A SIMPLE TRACTOR BEAM SPELL-FUNCTION.”

“I’m not sure, it was like the astral realm but different.

SC276: [Velvet] “OH, UNIT-RYE WAS REFERRING TO THE DEAD FOREST LOCATION. UNIT-RYE SHOULD BE MORE SPECIFIC IN FUTURE INQUIRIES.”

I don’t know what that was.

JofY: “However, I did find some nice padding to keep warm at night.”

I just had the feeling that you were in danger and somehow, I knew where you were…

JofY: I think it’s called: B.S.

what were you doing there? How did you end up in that place?”

SC276: Best I can tell, Celestia tried to kill him by throwing him to Nightmare Moon. I fully endorse this plan.

Bloody Velvet stepped back from Rye and continued to examine him, looking him over, her face fearful. “Injuries in the astral realm can be so real inside the mind that they can pass over into this world.

JofY: It’s not like the body is a series of chemical reactions that would deny such a thing.

Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, really.” Rye took a deep breath. “I think Princess Celestia sent me there, I’m not sure what happened.

JofY: The fic has had so little action of late, that even the main character doesn’t know what it is!

She said some strange stuff and I don’t know what is going on.

SC276: What else is new?

I’m not a very magical unicorn and I don’t know anything about this sort of stuff. What was that black thing anyhow?”

JofY: Well, when a monster loves a human very much...

“I don’t know.” Bloody Velvet’s eyes narrowed and she shook her head. “I’ve never seen anything like it.

SC276: Are we at the point that the existence of Celestia’s sister became a myth everyone forgot? I forgot what the status of that was at the beginning of the series.

It’s strong, whatever it is, might even be stronger than I am… if we have to fight it again, we’re in trouble… I was only able to hurt it because I was so angry…

JofY: You and every other Sayan.

SC276: [Velvet] “UNIT-WOE INSTALLED GAMMA-HULK POWER MODULES INTO MY EMOTIONAL UNIT THE OTHER DAY.”

it was hurting you, Rye… I could see those… black… things digging their way into your head.”

SC276: And finding absolutely nothing.

JofY: “I just don’t get how that’s erotic!”

“Velvet, we need to hurry. She’s real sick. Something is horribly wrong.

JofY: Naw. Really?

SC276: Well let’s start with the fact no marriage in known history has had a sober groom...

Something is trying to escape or something, the ciphers I’ve cracked even said something to that effect. They foalnapped Stella because of her star magic.

SC276: I forgot if Celestia mentioned her student had a special brand of magic at the original meeting. If she didn’t, why didn’t she state the main reason the girl is a macguffin?

JofY: It’s an objective, of course it’s a macguffin. What? Do you also need to know the fact that student has the ability to breathe?

Do you think it was whatever was in that pool?”

JofY: Yes, it was liquified Stella.

“Might be, I don’t know. I don’t know enough about this sort of thing, but I know a pony who might. We need to make Starjammer talk somehow. He knows stuff.

SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT PERFORMED A SURFACE SCAN OF HIS BRAIN AND IS 99.9% CERTAIN UNIT-STARJAMMER HAS KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUBJECT.”

JofY: “He knows what numbers are! Clearly he knows everything!”

He’s scary smart and somehow, he knows stuff.”

SC276: Even the author can’t bother to come up with an excuse.

Bloody Velvet took a deep breath and began to try and calm down.

In the distance, the sun was setting, appearing to sink down into the ocean.

SC276: This time it actually was, given the princess is unconscious.

The first stars of evening began to twinkle.

JofY: Actually, those are just airplanes.

The wind kicked up and The Apogee bobbed in its mooring.

SC276: Why is the airship actually on the water again? Did the author forget they’re sky pirates?

The three ponies standing upon the deck exchanged a three way glance and then all three of them looked over at Princess Celestia’s ship.

“How do I fight something like that… thing?” Rye asked.

SC276: Well for starters, you’re going to need a cannon- oh you’re not talking about the thing you’re looking at?

“You can’t, Rye, you can’t.” Bloody Velvet shook her head. “You’re too weak. It will devour you.

SC276: Then why is the author still here?

I’m not sure if I could face it again, but I might have a better chance if Starjammer joined me. He’s strong, but he’s not experienced in astral projection.” The mare stood there, trembling, her Shivers causing her whole body to jerk and twitch.

SC276: Yeah, that’s kinda the whole thing that they do, is this ever going to be explained without reading the two-million-word sequel?

“Princess Celestia has some nerve doing what she did just to test us.”

SC276: [Celestia] “It’s called ‘mind control,’ sister. You act like this is a new thing.”

JofY: Yeah, blame the sick being that’s half-conscious.

“This is bigger than us, Velvet,” Mousy said, finally getting up enough nerve to interject something into the conversation. “Better we get tested now and survive than later when the danger is greater and fail.”

JofY: Tested? Tested for what? An STD?

Bloody Velvet’s ears perked forwards and she studied the earth pony that stood beside Rye. “You keep surprising me, Mousy.

JofY: ...Eh… Not explicit enough to be racist.

You keep this up, and I might find myself liking you.”

SC276: See it’s funny because Earth ponies are literally worth dirt in this setting-

Bloody Velvet gave Mousy a nervous smile. “I’m going to go and talk with Captain Spyglass. Something tells me that we need to leave in a hurry.

SC276: And yet you didn’t do this earlier?

Rye, don’t go wandering off, you and I need to have a long talk with Starjammer so we can sort all of this out.”

SC276: You’re going to need more than one talk to sort out this nonsense.

Author's Note:

You have questions? I may or may not have answers!

SC276: Given you gave away the main ship of the story in the comments leagues before you took a break, I’m pretty sure you have answers to questions that don’t exist.

Chapter 31

Shivering, Rye Mash opened his eyes.

JofY: Oh god! It’s everywhere! Why did he cut open his eyes!?!

He had been dreaming, but he could not remember what he had been dreaming about.

SC276: That’s kinda how it usually works, buddy.

He was cold, the air was chilly and he was sweating. He was in the top half of the bed, curled up, and Mousy was down at the foot of the bed, also curled up.

JofY: You had your ‘wife’ sleep on the floor?

SC276: You think they would’ve figured out the “adjacent” part by now...

She had stolen the blanket at some point in the night, made a nest, and was now asleep on top of it.

JofY: Keeping her eggs very warm.

For a moment, Rye Mash thought about cuddling up next to her so he could get warm. She was his wife now, it was supposed to be okay to do that sort of thing, but he didn’t feel comfortable about it for some reason.

SC276: Yeah, and that reason is “it’s freakin’ bullshit.”

His new cabin was smaller, narrower, a space made just for him and Mousy.

SC276: Getting a roommate requires a cabin with less space?

The interiour of The Apogee had been changed a fair bit to make it a bit more efficient as a living space.

JofY: You could live in it with 27% more accuracy!

There was a folding table on the wall, the bed, and one comfortable chair in the corner.

JofY: The other chairs were made out of spikes.

The room smelled of fresh cut wood, glue, and of Mousy’s perfume.

SC276: Since when has she had perfume?

Haunted by the eyes he had seen in the pool, Rye got out of bed, being careful not to disturb or wake Mousy from her sleep. He slipped away, making as little sound as possible, opened the door, stepped outside into the hallway, and decided that he needed some fresh night air.

JofY: Unfortunately the local high school band was saying in the ship that night and left their instruments in the hallway.

SC276: You decided you needed air after getting up and wandering.

Emerging up on deck, Rye Mash saw that he wasn’t alone.

JofY: God was with him.

SC276: Please, if God was watching, there’d be a lot more lightning.

Starjammer was sitting in the prow of the ship, staring off towards the starry horizon, the wind blowing his long, perfect mane around his face.

SC276: If the narration is turning into Cecil, I’m leaving.

JofY: But Starjammer isn’t a hot scientist.

Sniffing, Rye could smell whiskey, the strong heady scent of whiskey,

SC276: Stop repeating yourself!

and he felt his stomach turn just a little bit.

With the soft thump of his hooves striking the wooden deck, Rye walked forwards, glad to have somepony else awake at this time of night.

SC276: [Rye] “Makes surprise buttsex much easier!”

He felt apprehensive, nervous, he did not know why. He wondered why Starjammer was drinking. Was it thirst? Was he drowning his sorrows? What was he sad about? Had Celestia said something?

JofY: [Narration] “Was he drunk with Celestia? Did he sleep with Celestia? Is he married to Celestia?”

[Rye] “WHAT DID YOU DO TO CELESTIA!?”

[Starjammer] “*drops water* Huh?”

Rye even wondered if Starjammer was pining for him for whatever reason.

SC276: More likely, he’s pining for the fjords.

He felt very, very confused. Starjammer was more than a friend now, just like Mousy was more than an acquaintance.

JofY: They were BESTIES!!!

SC276: *house explodes into flames*

He and Starjammer had done a bit more than just share a confusing kiss. Rye did not know what was expected from him.

JofY: Even if he did expect the Spanish Inquisition.

He did not understand how their relationship had changed after what had happened.

JofY: He didn’t want to mess up the social link he had.

At that moment, Rye wanted to run away, not wanting to face the consequences or the changes that were sure to happen, but he found himself continuing towards Starjammer, as if drawn forward by some powerful invisible force.

SC276: Is this guy even capable of walking under his own power anymore with how much he’s been pulled around in the last three or so chapters alone?

“Can’t sleep?” Rye asked in a low voice, his ears perking as he heard the creaking of the ships around him.

“Woe Betide had a nightmare,” Starjammer replied in a rather put out voice, “and I was tossed from Bloody Velvet’s warm bed.”

JofY: Where’s your own?

SC276: Yeah, I’m not sure what that has to do with anything.

Standing there, Rye marveled at the sound of Starjammer’s voice. It wasn’t often that he said much. Starjammer sounded a bit tipsy, a bit angry, a bit sad, he sounded as though he was going to be a drunken mess soon enough.

“Can’t be mad at Woe.” Starjammer shook his head,

SC276: [Starjammer] “I’ve tried, but then she went off on some technobabble that actually managed to confuse me.”

his mane clinging to his cheeks, and then he took a long pull from the bottle of whiskey he was holding.

JofY: RUN! He’s going to try and become your wife!

“Or Velvet for that matter.”

SC276: [Starjammer] “Luckily I was disqualified from her experiment because I’ve already been mind-controlled.”

After scooting a little closer, Rye Mash sat down beside Starjammer, still not understanding their relationship, if they were friends, or how he should act.

JofY: He forgot his role as a clown in this scene.

He watched Starjammer take another drink and Rye felt a stabbing sensation inside of his skull. He planned to stick with tea from here on out.

SC276: WE ALREADY KNEW THAT, MOVE ON ALREADY!

“What did Princess Celestia talk to you about?” Rye asked, overcome by his own curiousity.

SC276: How did you miss that, author…?

He watched as Starjammer took another drink. He sat there, waiting for a reply, listening to the sounds of the faint crackle of the storm contained inside of the gasbag overhead. Soft ticking, the creaking of wood, and the wet slap of ocean waves down below. The salty smell of the ocean clung to his nostrils. The sharp smell of the whiskey filled Rye with a sense of regret. Rye’s senses were almost overwhelmed by everything.

JofY: You know, I don’t think text can be a pre-rendered cutscene.

SC276: Guy’s not much for quick answers, is he.

Starjammer said nothing and Rye felt both annoyed and worried. “Is it so hard to talk to me?” He reached out his hoof and prodded Starjammer in the side. “I don’t get you, sometimes. Why can’t you just talk to me?”

SC276: Because merely existing in this universe is pain?

“It’s so hard to know what to say, sometimes,” Starjammer replied. The unicorn took another pull on his whiskey bottle, belched, grimaced, and then turned his head to look Rye in the eye. “Princess Celestia and I talked for a while.

JofY: [Rye] “You slut!”

Idle chit chat. She talked, I listened. Then we talked about you. She wanted to know what sort of pony I thought you were. I told her that you are a capable, clever, cunning, cutthroat killer… it’s the cutie mark, Rye… there is only so much a pony can do with two pistols as a cutie mark.”

JofY: Yeah, there sure isn’t much that anyone could do with two guns. *cough*Revolver*cough*Ocelot*cough* …[Racist Moment: 4]

SC276: OK, he’s killed… what, five people? Still less kills than Spyglass would’ve needed to score to get the fearsome reputation he had at the start of the story.

Stunned, Rye sat there, blinking, shocked that Starjammer had said so much.

SC276: You asked him a question and he’s answering! Gheeze, man.

“She wanted her student safe… that’s what it all comes down to,” Starjammer continued, closing his eyes, and swaying from side to side. “She was worried if any of us might do something untoward with her student.”

JofY: Like touch her, try to make her ‘happy’, or say: “Hi.”

SC276: Given previous patterns, if anything untowards happens, she’s going to start it when she sees Rye.

“I see.” Rye watched as Starjammer’s eyes opened.

“I require a very specific type,”

JofY: [Rye] “No! Not you too!”

SC276: ~Never never never gonna speed again...~

Starjammer said, his voice somewhat slurred. “I am the proverbial damsel in distress.

JofY: Yes, the leader needs to be saved...

I am very feminine.

JofY: ...I was joking?

Ever since I was very, very small, I have wanted to be a filly.

JofY: Just so others don’t start bringing weapons directly to me: None of my jokes are meant to imply in any way that being transgender, transexual, or any other type of thing is itself bad. My aim is towards the fic and its characters. Not to sexual identities.

I’m in the wrong body, you see.

JofY: [Starjammer] “I’m actually supposed to be Brawny Man.”

I require a very specific type.”

JofY: Female, 276 pounds, type B- blood, 3’ 4”, can lift around 83 pounds, born somewhere north, works as a Starfleet commander...

SC276: Judging from auxiliary info, I… think this may be the stupid thing? I’m not sure. Same as JofY, I have no issues with any type of identity - just that given this author thinks that a universe where every marriage has to be made drunk is OK, someone that’s freakin’ transgender is not going to come out of this fine.

Starjammer took another long drink from the bottle, belched again, and wiped his muzzle with his foreleg.

JofY: Just in case you were doubtful on how feminine he was.

Rye Mash wondered what sort of hangover Starjammer was going to have.

SC276: Probably the painful sort.

“I like Bloody Velvet because she is very masculine. She takes charge. She is very domineering and commanding and she puts me in my place.

JofY: 5.0634 N. 30.1942 W.

I can relax my guard a little bit and be myself and I can be pretty.” Starjammer paused, blinking, batting his eyelashes. “I can be the damsel in distress and Bloody Velvet will oblige me. She knows what to do with damsels in distress.

JofY: [Rye] “*starts quickly inching away*”

She paddles them, she spanks them, and she punishes them for being weak willed spineless silly fillies… and I like it.”

SC276: I thought you were gay. Maybe you’re bi, I can live with that, I think we did that with your counterpart. The issue is that you seem to associate gayness with transsexuality…? I’ve seen arguments that it’s OK for someone to be trans just because, and I can’t argue with that, but it’s a sensitive subject right now and the author can’t even write cis characters.

Shocked, Rye tried not to imagine what Starjammer was describing, but it was too late.

JofY: Grandma! Why!?

He had a vivid mental image of Bloody Velvet working Starjammer over, dominating him, cowing him, and berating him for being an effeminate milksop. He also had a disturbing mental image of Starjammer enjoying it.

JofY: ...Am I going to have to create a separate sexsim counter?

“You rescued Woe Betide… you rescued a damsel in distress.

JofY: Unfortunately, Peach was in another castle.

You didn’t have to do it, I even encouraged you to walk away from the whole mess. But you did it. You rescued a filly in distress and you were the perfect gentlepony about it.” Starjammer shook his head and set his whiskey bottle down on the deck in front of him. “That’s not how you rescue a damsel, Rye… you are supposed to rescue a damsel and then rut them silly… that’s the fantasy.

JofY: How could you not have a massive orgy!? Shame on you!

SC276: I think everyone that argues that Peach objectifies women is going to be angry as fuck with this author. Also the opponents, because it’s this author.

You rescued Mousy too. Another damsel. You, you’re the damsel rescuing type, and me, I’m a damsel.

JofY: Has he ever been captured?

SC276: Well he’s in this fic...

I’m the bad little filly that can’t stay out of trouble and wants to be foalnapped, because I want the bad guy to do bad things to me and then I want my rescuer to do even worse things to me. I can only cum when I’m held down and roughed up.”

JofY: [Rye] “WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!?”

SC276: [Rye] “I mean, it’s hot as hell, but still!” Also, so this guy’s into being dominated, feminized, and possibly humiliated by masculine-feeling partners. ...I don’t have a problem with that. But I don’t want to hear about it coming from this author, who apparently thinks the only hole for the insertion of the penis is the ass of a child.

“And now, I am going off to rescue another damsel,” Rye said.

Starjammer nodded, lifted up his bottle of whiskey, and then chugged down the rest of the contents. He blinked a few times at Rye, giving the unicorn beside him a drunken stare, and then leaned closer to Rye. “You make me feel like a dirty, dirty mare.

JofY: Even if he’s taking a bath.

SC276: How long before he gets hitched?

You make me wish that I had mare parts for you to stretch out and abuse.” Starjammer let out a sour smelling belch right in Rye’s face, hiccuped once, gave Rye one very sloppy, slobbery, loose lipped drunken kiss, pulled away, rose, and then Starjammer sauntered away, leaving behind one very flustered Rye.

JofY: [Rye] “Starjammer-sempi…”

SC276: There is no way that was one breath.

“Starjammer, wait,” Rye said as his friend walked away. “You could come to bed with Mousy and I if you don’t want to be alone. I don’t think she’d mind.”

JofY: He’s finally trying to start a harem!

“Nope,” Starjammer replied, shaking his head. “You’d try to shag me gently, out of pity, and that’d ruin our relationship. I’d ruin our relationship. I get angry when I can’t cum.”

JofY: Ehhh… I think there are people who have that problem.

SC276: Dude, what you need is a relationship where both sides understand it’s purely about the sex and satisfying each other in a way you’re both comfortable. But given this author insists of everything being the same, that’s not what’s going to happen.

Not knowing how to reply, Rye watched as Starjammer disappeared belowdecks, leaving him all alone with nothing but the stars for company.

JofY: Finally glad to be unjammed.

SC276: So, who’s going to be best man at the wedding?

Shivering, confused, Rye decided to go back to bed, even if it meant waking up Mousy to get his blanket back.

“I’m sorry,” Mousy whispered into Rye’s ear as she snuggled up beside him. “But you know, if you had just cuddled with me when we got into bed, I might not have stole your blanket.”

JofY: [Rye] “Like I would want to be close to you!... Baka.”

Some of Rye’s shivers became quivers as Mousy moved against him.

SC276: Being a chaste hardass does not become you, buddy.

She was touching, him, rubbing him with her legs, he could feel the heat of her belly against his hip and his thigh. He could feel other things too.

JofY: His gun, the TV, some cold medicine, and a MassageMaster™.

SC276: The screams of the readers...

Soft things that were quite warm against his cold flesh. He thought about Starjammer, feeling confused, not knowing how to react to everything he had just heard.

JofY: If only the director gave him some direction!

SC276: You didn’t think to think about it while on your way back down?

He felt confused, overwhelmed, his mind was full of far too many thoughts to deal with.

SC276: That’s your brain struggling to realize that this universe is crap.

He snuggled up a bit closer to Mousy beneath the blanket that they both now shared, glad to have another pony in his bed with him, even if the bed was too narrow and space was cramped.

JofY: Living efficiency!

He could feel her breathing, he could feel her body moving against him. While it was just a little arousing, it was more comforting than anything else.

“Is something wrong?” Mousy asked.

SC276: You need to ask?

“Yeah,” Rye replied, breathing out the word.

“Up for a little pillow talk?” Mousy slid her hoof down Rye’s barrel and over his stomach,

SC276: Then she picked him up and threw him like a gorilla.

coming to stop over his navel.

“This whole thing with Princess Celestia has me scared.

JofY: What? A leader of an empire goes to your group with an important mission, before falling unconscious due to some unknown illness?

SC276: Certainly the least stressful of all possible situations!

Starjammer just gave me an earful.

JofY: Oh. He’s the one taking all the ears.

I just found out something horrible about my friend, Velvet.”

JofY: She’s a dominatrix.

SC276: What, exactly, is that again? Seriously, she saved you from Nightmare Moon’s leaking power, and all I remember her telling you is that you can’t handle it.

Rye paused for a moment as Mousy’s hoof traced a circle over his stomach, causing tingles to rush up and down his spine.

JofY: I wonder what happens if she traces an octagon...

“There is a lot going on.”

SC276: I’d like to know what the kangaroo’s doing right now.

“It’s exciting… I get to have an adventure… this is going to be great.” Mousy took a deep breath, sighed, and then nuzzled her muzzle along Rye’s neck. “I like this… just this. This is nice.”

SC276: I’m loving that Fumble already split from this plot forever ago.

Rye had to admit, this was nice. The feeling of somepony close. A warm body in the bed. He could get used to this. “Mousy, about us… where does Starjammer fit in with us?” He heard Mousy inhale and he felt her barrel swelling beside him.

SC276: It’s called a “chest,” author.

“I’m a selfish little bint, I am. If I ever catch you with another mare and I don’t know about it, I’ll geld ya while you’re sleeping.”

JofY: She’s turning Scottish!

SC276: One, I can’t believe “bint” is an actual word. Two, at what point did you learn that Starjammer is transgender? Three, that doesn’t actually answer his question.

Mousy continued to nuzzle Rye’s neck as she spoke. “Now, with Starjammer, that’s different. I don’t mind sharing you with him. Or maybe even another mare, if I like her enough. Just don’t ever try to hide it. Don’t be a bastard about it and I won’t go off and cheat on you.”

SC276: ...See, this is why we need to better indicate where the paragraph continues, because now I look like a complete moron.

“That seems fair,” Rye replied. “Mousy, if you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit uptight.”

JofY: He only has the most elite of fetishes.

“I know.” Mousy’s hoof slid lower down Rye’s belly and she giggled as Rye tensed.

SC276: Your misery brings her pleasure.

Squirming, Rye felt Mousy giving him a teasing tickle. “I have no plans to cheat on you, I’ll be honest… but Starjammer… he’s… I don’t know—”

JofY: [Rye] “He’s… flaming… No, seriously! Get the fire extinguisher! We need to save the ship!”

“You like him. That’s fine. I like watching. You were so… rough with him. It gave me the shivers. Rough but gentle.”

SC276: How does that even work?

JofY: Now that I think about it, Rye also woke up with Starjammer and Bloody Velvet. Why isn’t he also married now to those two?

Mousy took a deep breath. “You didn’t really hurt him. I was surprised about that.

JofY: [Mousy] “I mean, I wanted you to beat me up but…”

He’s a bit of a confused sort, ain’t he?”

“He is… I like him a lot… but I can’t make sense of him. He says he wants to be a mare.

JofY: Technically, he said he wanted to be a filly.

SC276: Hey, buddy. It’s up to him- er, her to decide who knows and who doesn’t. You’re being a freakin’ jerk right now.

Why would a stallion want to be a mare?”

SC276: I don’t know, why would a pegasus with a telescope stabbed into his skull want to be a pirate?

Rye’s whole body trembled as Mousy’s fetlock slid back and forth over the soft, wrinkled flesh of his scrotum.

SC276: Bad touch, bad touch!

“I don’t know,” Mousy replied, “But you made him feel like a mare, and I suppose that’s important to him.” Mousy yawned and squeezed Rye’s leg between her thighs. “Get some sleep, Rye. We’re probably going to have a long day tomorrow…”

SC276: Every day in this fic feels like it takes forever.

Author's Note:

And things got weird...

JofY: Things were already weird.

SC276: Dude, have you looked at the last like four chapters you’ve written? I don’t know why you consider adding a trans a qualifier as weird when your cast includes a sentient kangaroo in pony world where animals like a bear are plain animals.

Chapter 32

Sable Blanc shrank in the distance as both The Whalefish and The Apogee headed inland, off to do their first task. Off in the distant mountains, where the borders of Fancy and a diamond dog kingdom were located, there was a city called Alpin, and sitting on top of the mountain above the city of Alpin, was the Château de la Roche.

JofY: And inside of that lead to a tunnel that exited out into a forest that could have you ending up in…

SC276: I’ve already forgotten why they’re going there. Also, is Fancy the diamond dog kingdom, or…?

Word had it that the castle was full of slavers who specialised in the trade of earth ponies and sometimes, pegasus ponies, with unicorns being far too much trouble to mess with.

JofY: Yeah. It’s too bad for them that the unicorns are the master race. [Racist Moment: 5]

SC276: Of course there’s fucking slavers.

At least, that is what the intelligence said.

In Château de la Roche, they would find a certain Docteur Lapin, somebody of interest.

SC276: “Somepony of interest,” ya freakin’ moron.

Princess Celestia had not made it clear who or what the doctor was, which bothered Captain Spyglass to no end.

SC276: [Celestia] “He has a hat. That’s all I got.”

As for how to get the doctor out of the castle, they were still forming a plan, and that plan involved Bloody Velvet, Starjammer, and Rye Mash committing a spree of murder and violence.

JofY: ...Or you could just ask him to meet you outside.

It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was a plan.

JofY: It’s not like they need to have any sort of target or goal or anything, it’s just if they murder a bunch he’ll appear out of thin air.

SC276: Like treasure chests in Zelda that appear when you kill all the enemies in the room. Plus it involves the death of possibly hundreds, but that’s OK because slavers do not have souls.

The doctor had information on Stella Scintilla and securing him was their top priority.

SC276: I’m sure Velvet has that speak-to-dead spell from D&D or something. Although yeah, if the guy who knows anything about the macguffin’s whereabouts is in the company of slavers, that would suggest that the slavers are part of Inky’s entourage, and isn’t that just perfect. It’s like all the enemies in a shooter being zombies.

Rye, unsettled about the whole thing, was uncomfortable with his role—he was the weakest unicorn around when compared to Starjammer and Bloody Velvet, who were titans of magic.

SC276: You’ve got higher in-fic kill counts than both of them.

Even Woe Betide was showing more magical aptitude than he was and she was a foal.

SC276: [Woe] “That is because I’m a filly prodigy, and you are a sex-obsessed gun-toting dolt with delusions of grandeur.”

He wasn’t sure what he could bring to the table in an all out assault upon a fortified location, other than shooting their enemies a whole bunch of times.

SC276: That’s what being part of a team is for, dipstick.

He hoped that what he could do would be enough.

It was one thing to fly into a storm, but it was a whole different thing entirely to fly into such an uncertain future.

JofY: And they weren’t pegasi.

Nopony quite knew what they were getting into or the horrors that awaited them.

SC276: [Celestia] “You’d think I could mind-control me up a map of the place, but noooo.”

“Try harder!” Bloody Velvet’s voice was commanding, but also held a quaver of pain.

JofY: Say fic, you want to establish where they actually are first?

Her sides spasmed and her right hind leg wouldn’t stop twitching.

JofY: No? Okay, we’ll just assume the worst.

“Woe, you need to focus! Stop slacking off!”

JofY: They’re bringing the other child into this!?

Scowling, her lips pressing together, Woe Betide squinted her eyes and

JofY: You’re really doing this!?

stared at the padlock she was trying to unlock.

JofY: Oh… Sorry.

She had the lockpicks held in her telekinesis and she struggled to get a feel for what she was doing. She could feel the tumblers moving inside. She gave the probe a little wiggle and ignored Bloody Velvet. These things took time.

JofY: 5 seconds.

SC276: [Woe] “And why isn’t Mousy the one teaching me something she’s done a hundred times again?”

Bloody Velvet’s distractions were a good thing, as Woe understood that there would be lots of distractions if she was trying to do this under fire.

Meanwhile, Oola Roo was trying to show Rye the basics for using a sword, and Rye was mimicking her movements as he held his hanger sword, gifted to him by Princess Celestia, in his telekinesis.

JofY: Thinking about it, I really can’t see how well unicorns could use swords. I mean, they have to focus directly on their sword to use it, the handle is useless, and most cutting and stabbing requires some sort of weight or force.

SC276: I read a fic where Rarity got a pair of blades made for use by a unicorn by this method. There are other things I’m questioning. Namely, why does a kangaroo with her short arms know how to use a sword, when did Celestia give him a sword, and why did Celestia insist on Rye bringing a sword to a gunfight?

JofY: SC276, I mentioned this last time. You don’t bring a gun to a swordfight.

The sword, suitable for both slashing and stabbing, was a well balanced weapon and Rye found that he quite liked it.

As Rye and Oola practiced sword fighting, both Mousy and Starjammer sat together on the deck, enjoying the sight of Rye and his fancy hoofwork.

SC276: Well the whole gang’s here, isn’t it.

Starjammer was watching with rapt interest, his eyes darting to and fro as Rye avoided Oola’s punishing attacks, and Mousy watched with a pleased smile.

“This is good fun, ain’t it?” Mousy slipped her question into Starjammer’s ear, her lips tickling him and causing his ear to twitch.

JofY: Right in front of everyone? Really?

SC276: Don’t you guys have work to do on the pirate ship?

“What’s your favourite part? Me… I like those legs of his… look at the way he moves.”

SC276: Does he move like Jagger?

“Hmm,” Starjammer replied in a thoughtful hum, “that perky, perfect plot of his.”

SC276: Someone on 4chan, I think.

“Oh sure, go right for the garden and the potatoes,”

JofY: ...Heaven forbid you go for the tomatoes… The hell?

SC276: ...I’m not getting any responses on Google. The heck is she talking about?

Mousy said as she let out a faux haughty sniff. She turned up her nose at Starjammer. “He’s more than a nice arse and a potato sack, you know.

JofY: He’s also some lettuce.

SC276: Did you honestly compare someone’s ass to a garden- oh, because garden plot. Fuck you.

He has a handsome enough face too.”

Starjammer shrugged, said nothing, but gave Mousy a lewd grin as he licked his teeth. Mousy, unable to maintain her theatrical irritation, broke down into fillyish giggling.

JofY: They’re being gassed!

“I want to look down and see that face of his between my legs.” Mousy’s perverse words were acknowledged with a loud snort from Starjammer.

JofY: Sex is hilarious.

SC276: Yeah, sure, now that you’re married and gotten it in the ass by a drunk, your perspective on sex has completely changed. And let me guess, it’s the exact same for every other married couple in the world.

Hearing laughter, Woe redoubled her efforts and moved the probe around, feeling for the little click when the tumbler moved to just the right spot.

SC276: I’ve been on Tumblr long enough that that feels misspelled.

She was rewarded with a soft, faint click as the last tumbler slid into place. She turned the mechanism and the padlock popped open.

JofY: Great! You’ve successfully opened the kind of lock I use on my suitcase.

“Say, that’s pretty good,” Bloody Velvet said to Woe as she locked the padlock. “Now do it again. And again. And then again,

JofY: Are we sure the fic isn’t corrupted in any way? It keeps repeating.

SC276: And again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again-

until you can open the thing up in seconds.

SC276: [Velvet] “GO FOR THE BEST TIME.”

[Woe] “Did someone install video games on you again?!”

Sighing, Woe Betide resigned herself to an afternoon of picking locks.

“I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve been off by yourself a fair bit.” Rye Mash looked at Skeeter, his expression one of concern, and he tried to understand his pegasus friend.

JofY: ...Who?

SC276: Oh right, this guy. He got half a Chesire in the third chapter, got rescued by Rye, and is now his bodyguard which he still totally needs at this point.

JofY: ...Wait a bodyguard? Where has he been the past two parts where Rye could have been ambushed by thugs in the street, or captured by Celestia’s guards or the like?

SC276: Presumably in narrative limbo, which is where I wish I’ve been when these stories come up.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Skeeter replied. The pegasus struggled to smile. His face was still healing, but was getting better every day.

SC276: So, the exact opposite of this story.

“I just… I’ve had a lot to think about. We’re doing more than I had intended. More than I had signed on for.”

SC276: Dealing with rescue bullshit and Rye Mash was not in his job description.

“The rescue?” Rye asked.

“No, everything… I… I knew things would be dangerous when I signed on. I sort of understood what I was getting myself into.

SC276: [Skeeter] “I mean, we attack ships crewed by winged creatures with sharp talons for forehooves in the middle of the sky. ‘Danger’ is kind of built in.”

But the reality of it… getting my face all messed up.” The pegasus paused and contemplated his own words. “I’m just a pegasus who likes flying fast. I just wanted to make a few bits. I wanted to see the world. This is more than I bargained for.”

SC276: You’re getting hung up about your face getting cut… twenty-nine chapters after it happened? Gheeze, ya freakin’ baby.

“You can still leave before we’re in deep trouble.” Rye looked at his friend, trying to read him, trying to understand him, trying to figure out what the pegasus wanted.

SC276: And failing miserably.

“I have no intentions of leaving. At least, not yet. You’re my friend. And that means something.

SC276: [Skeeter] “Namely, escape from the fic is impossible.”

I’m poor, Rye, but I have loyalty. That’s worth a king’s ransom.”

SC276: What does your individual wealth level have to do with the current situation?

“So it is.” Rye nodded his head. “I’m going to fix tea.

JofY: Tea really has some loose wires.

SC276: Also spade and neuter it.

You should join me. Stop brooding and spend some time with me.”

SC276: [Rye] “Your turn for the social link.”

Skeeter heaved a sigh and looked at his friend. “Well, if you insist…”

Staring up at the stars,

JofY: ...It was mid-day a few paragraphs before.

Rye Mash came to the unsettling conclusion that he was going to miss these idyllic times.

JofY: He was going to miss these times of foreboding horrors, sexual crises, and pretentious philosophy.

In but a short time, there was going to be a whole lot of bloodshed. Part of him was excited, but a part of him worried too. He always felt bad after being violent, conflicted somehow, like something inside of him was torn apart.

JofY: Could it possibly be that violence may be wrong?

SC276: Nah, just the author trying to create unnecessary dramatic tension that doesn’t work because the story sucks.

There was too much on his mind.

JofY: Like his skull and scalp.

He kept thinking about the horrible black thing he had seen in the dream,

JofY: ...Too easy.

the violence that awaited him, and Skeeter’s seeming doubt. Skeeter had done his best to reassure him, but Rye knew that the pegasus was having some trouble going ahead. Bloody Velvet and Starjammer, they were fine with what was soon to happen. Starjammer seemed perfectly fine with killing.

JofY: *looks up not even half a chapter* ...Really?

Bloody Velvet was known as Bloody Velvet for a reason.

JofY: And man, those cakes were to die for.

Oola was along for a good time,

SC276: But she’s only gonna have a bad time- *dunk’d*

and she was looking forward to a tussle.

But Skeeter… Rye worried for his friend. Skeeter had spoke a great deal about loyalty over tea.

JofY: Loyalty under tea can suck it.

SC276: If he sucks at battle, why is he a bodyguard?!

Rye realised while sipping tea just how lucky he was to have a loyal friend.

SC276: I think this is the first time you’ve talked since, like, the beginning of the fic.

Rye worried, fretted, wondering if he could somehow keep Skeeter out of the worst of the violence. But Skeeter was assigned to be his bodyguard. This presented a bit of a dilemma for Rye, who had come to the understanding that Skeeter was not like the rest of them.

JofY: Skeeter forgot his character development.

With that realisation, Rye realised that he was no longer like Skeeter—Rye was, indeed, becoming a cold blooded murderous bastard. At some point, something inside of him had shifted, changed, and he was becoming something else. And after the big fight ahead, Rye wondered what he would become.SC276: Well, not a better character, that’s for sure.

“When I was just a little filly, I asked my mother, ‘What will I be… will I be pretty will I be rich?’ Here's what she said to me, ‘Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera, what will be, will be.’”

JofY: Wait… Repeating words, narrating dialogue, and lyrical phrasing?... Oh crap! They’re going to start singing!

SC276: ~Yar har, fiddle di dee / Being a pirate is alright with me! / Do what you like ‘cause a pirate is free / You are a pirate!~

Rye Mash’s ears perked at the sounds of Mousy’s voice. He turned and looked at her. She was standing on the deck, the wind whipping her mane and her tail off to one side, looking at him with wide eyes filled with mirth and laughter.

“Hello, Rye.”

“Hey, Mousy… I was just out here thinking.”

“It’s past midnight, Rye.

JofY: [Mousy] “Don’t you know not to think after midnight!?”

SC276: That’d honestly be a better story.

Most ponies have gone to bed. I was thinking about turning in myself. But the bed is empty.” Mousy sashayed forwards, almost mimicking Starjammer’s own hip swaying sashay. She came over to Rye’s side and came to a halt, standing beside him.

SC276: Why do we have to be subjected to this scene?

“I was just out here, thinking,” Rye said to Mousy.

SC276: You already said that! Move on already!

“You know, a heavy burden is easier when two carry it.” Mousy turned her head and looked at Rye, who was a fair bit taller than her, but she was stockier than him by far. “I’m an earth pony… I don’t mind something a little heavy on my back.”

JofY: Wait, you mean, there could be a benefit to being an Earth Pony?

Hearing Mousy’s words, Rye flushed, feeling hot and flustered.

SC276: I think his brain’s starting to overclock.

“You know, you can share your problems with me, Rye.” Mousy blinked and a powerful gust of wind tugged upon her ears. “You can tell me anything, anything at all. I’ve decided to be as open minded as possible with all things concerning you.

SC276: [Mousy] “It’s pretty much the only way to not go completely insane.”

JofY: [Mousy] “Just tell me your fetish!”

Sharing you with Starjammer has already worked out for the best… I now have a wonderful friend that I am starting to adore a great deal.”

Now, Rye felt even more hot and flustered and the chilly breeze did nothing. He looked off at the stars. “I’m worried that there is going to be lots of killing.

JofY: “Hey guys, let’s kill to get to this one dude. *later* I think killing will happen.” Gee. I wonder what’s making you think that Rye.

SC276: Sucker’s. Bet.

I’m worried about what it will do to me. Every time I kill something, or somepony, it gets a little easier and I kinda get in a funk afterwards. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m changing, and I’m not sure if it is for the better.”

JofY: Well, we all change in unexpected ways as we grow older.

SC276: Can you change into a better story?

“Hmm,” Mousy hummed. “Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera, what will be, will be.”

“What does that even mean, anyway?” Rye asked.

“I have no idea, but it’s pretty,” Mousy replied.

JofY: [Rye] “So, I have legitimate concerns about my future and sanity, and you prattle off some nonsense you don’t even know?”

“I think the future just sort of happens. I don’t know if we can change it.

JofY: Technically, unless one has the ability to go back in time, or can see reliable visions of the future, the future isn’t something that has definite value i.e. something that can be changed.

SC276: I means I can rewatch “It’s About Time,” and I’ll have a better time getting the same lesson.

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. You’re probably going to shoot a lot of things that deserve it.

JofY: You mean beings?

You might shoot something that doesn’t deserve it.

JofY: Why aren’t you calling the ones that you are going to shoot beings!? Is it that they’re only going to shoot non-sentient objects? You know what, [Racist Moment: 6]. I’ll retract it if they only ever shoot non-living things, but if they do, then this counts!

SC276: Wouldn’t it be freakin’ hilarious if he shot the person they’re going to extract?

Things are going to happen. We can’t stop them, we can only be patient and wait them out as they happen.”

“I think I’m afraid of changing.”

JofY: Didn’t we already have this scene?

SC276: Probably, I’ve already forgotten most of the details.

Rye felt Mousy press up against his side and she shivered against him. As the night continued, the air grew colder.

SC276: It was already past midnight when this scene started. How much colder could it get?

“Change happens.” Mousy leaned her head against Rye’s neck, just below his jaw. He was warm.

JofY: Well, at least the space heater is working.

He smelled of gunpowder, oil, leather, and fragrant tea. It was a smell that Mousy was starting to associate with safety, comfort, and sexual attraction.

JofY: Though, not with respect to the previous list.

SC276: So now we’re from Mousy’s POV even though the entire fic so far was from Rye’s.

She tucked her tail down between her legs to protect herself from the wind—the sudden dampness she had made the wind that much colder when it tickled her nether regions.

JofY: Hey, did someone order all of these horns?

Right now, she could only think about one way to get warm.

SC276: Three bucks says it’s not just cuddling.

“But is it a change for the better?”

SC276: ~Who can say if I have changed for the better…?~

Rye shook his head, inhaled, and filled his lungs with cold night air. Overhead, the stars twinkled and off to the south, the night sky was purple from the light of a distant city.

JofY: I didn’t think flames could be that bright. Or are you saying that Diamond Dogs know how to use electricity?

“See, now that you’re here, it makes things more difficult.

JofY: [Rye] “Do we really need to go shoe shopping when we’re under fire?”

I want to be a good husband. I want to do things right.”

SC276: So why didn’t you quit being a pirate?!

“Just be good to me, Rye, and everypony else can feck off. I understand that you are a pirate—”

“Privateer,” Rye corrected.

“—and with being a pirate,

JofY: Even the fic will admit that yes, Rye is a pirate.

SC276: ~We’ve got us a map (a map!)...~

you are bound to do some questionable, despicable acts. And I say, do them.

JofY: What’s this law you speak of?

Just do them to the right ponies…. griffons… minotaurs… whoever. I don’t care.

JofY: Yeah, uh, since you actually did miss it, RYE IS AFRAID OF KILLING THE WRONG ONES! I’m sorry for using caps but, my god! Take a hint!

Just help the innocent, protect those that can’t protect themselves, and I don’t care who you kill or what sort of bloodbath you cause.

JofY: ...So, kill everyone so no one can die?

SC276: Fight, Mega Man, for everlasting peace!

A wife must be understanding when she marries a pirate and she can’t afford to be picky,

JofY: Can’t be picky? You get a husband at random the first time you get drunk! You don’t get to pick.

SC276: Actually, she got picked at random when the husband gets drunk, because god forbid ladies drink alcohol.

just so long as the bills are paid and there is food to eat.”

SC276: What bills? They’re pirates!

“We don’t have bills.”

SC276: Stop repeating me!

JofY: ...Stop repeating me!

“You know what I mean.”

“I’m worried that killing will leave me cold—”

SC276: -dead on the hard cold ground? Or something?

“Well then, I shall have to keep you warm and make you care about things.”

“I don’t think it will be that easy.” Rye shook his head.

SC276: That’s what happens when you try to undo thirty-two chapters of suck.

“Well then, it is up to me to make sure my feminine wiles are up for the job.”

JofY: ...So, all he’s going to care about is getting laid?... I don’t see any unintended side effects.

SC276: I get the idea that she’s going to serve as a morality pet - maybe morality chain depending on how severe it is - but the way it’s presented is almost insulting.

An unwilling smile broke over Rye’s muzzle like an ocean wave over a rock. He felt a warm, fuzzy feeling of affection for the earth pony beside him. Somehow, she had made him feel better.

SC276: That’s what pep talks are supposed to, buddy.

The trouble ahead no longer was quite so worrisome.

SC276: You, your girl, the trans, and the robot survive long enough to have children, which we know because the author blabbed the heckie out of it apparently. The only reason we have to worry is whether or not you die as soon as possible after you have kids.

JofY: Hey, don’t use the term robot. We barely know Skeeter.

SC276: ...Moving on.

He felt calmer. More leveled out. He felt sleepy, and he felt as though his mind would be quiet enough for him to sleep.

“Come, little mare. Let us go to bed.”

Author's Note:

I'm going to try and get out new chapters on Saturdays.

JofY: And this, has been The Catch, Part Six. And, I kind of like it. Yeah, it’s starting to become a guilty pleasure for me. I mean, seriously, I’m convinced right now that Kudzu is actually one of the Wachowski’s horny sons with how philosophical and repetitive everything is. Hell, I’m not even mad about elements like Starjammer being trans or any of the other fetishes the rest of the ship is into. Besides, I’m not here to get angry over some shmo’s attempts at preaching their views of the world. I’m here to mock them. Wadda bout the rest of you?

SC276: Well I suppose I don’t have as much outright outrage to say about this bunch of chapters - not compared to the rushed nonsense last bit. I mean, comparing marriage to claiming land without mentioning harems at least was crap… and the apparent association between being non-normative in gender and/or sexual orientation and apparently a feminization fetish was misguided, I don’t even know… and claiming that Earth ponies are barely worth the dirt they’re named for even in a mostly airborne setting was stupid… Oh yeah, and according to Ring, the whole scene with Nightmare Moon was actually a test for Velvet to see if she could wield the Element of Magic. Even though before the start of the series, there’s no evidence anyone knew the Element of Magic even existed. I missed that in the riff itself because I couldn’t possibly care less. And that’s on top of the fact that Princess Celestia used mind-projection or whatever it was but most certainly involuntary on a bystander - a bystander that she needs and actually came to this port specifically for - and almost got his soul eaten or whatever by Nightmare Moon, just to test this girl who may or may not have even noticed whatever astral realm that was. If literally anything went wrong, he would be dead and her student would be SOL. I came up with that interpretation of Celestia as a joke, but I may have been surprisingly accurate - she literally does not give a shit about anything.

RingmasterJ5: Fallen has company over and I need to get back to the GW2 beta, so I’ll just make this quick: The winner of the poll is a terrible 9K-word fic about Rainbow Dash and a self-insert human having feelings for each other. It’s what you guys voted for for… some reason. Without further ado, “An Evening With A Pegasus” by Naviskypegasus.

Crazy56U: Damn it, guys, the obvious choice was staring you in the face, and you pick this anyway?! Seriously! “Trixieverse”! C’mon! I did NOT vote for pony-on-human action! ...I seriously just typed that!

JofY: Oh, come on Crazy. This is classic schlock. Besides, we’ve been doing so many action/adventure type stories that, it’s time to shake things up.

Crazy56U: That is not an excuse, that is never an excuse!

CaptainPipsqueak; Oh shush; there’s always next week.

ToonGuy: And we’re off to a great start already! *pulls out large piece of balsa wood* Just for anyone who wants to headbutt something out of anger.

MrSing: Human on pony action is part of the ancient tradition of riffing. I said ancient, not proud.

SC276: As long as it doesn’t include Slenderman again, I’ll be fine.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Slenderman] “Hey; fuck you too, buddy!”

JofY: Oi! If we were to do another fic that included Slenderman, then we’d start to be the ones who don’t riff MLP fics, but Slenderman fics. We need some variety here!

Mononeko: All right, first riff Let’s rip this thing apart...

Chapter One: A Pegasus In Trouble

JofY: And prepare to make it double!

Scarlet: To protect the world from- what, we aren’t doing the full bit this time? Awww…

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s gambling debts have caught up to her big time.

ToonGuy: She was being chased by pegasi with baseball bats.

SC276: Huzzah! How many points have I received?!

Author's Note:

This is the first story I wrote that marks the beginning of my Human X Rainbow Dash Fan Fiction lure.

Crazy56U: You made this story as a lure? ...that’s not how that works!

ToonGuy: Perhaps it’s meant to indicate that it’s a sting operation by the Moral Decency Police.

SC276: Great, you’re planning more?

MrSing: I think fish are more interested in the action comedy genre.

Scarlet: Yeah, the Deep Ones are often known for their love of Jackie Chan films.

Taking place three weeks before my one shot.

JofY: This, is a two shot.

Crazy56U: Oh, great, it’s bad enough we’re doing this, we’re doing this out of order as well! We’re going to be so lost!

Mononeko: Oh, don’t act like you’re interested in the plot anyway.

ToonGuy: I have a GOOD feeling about today.

MrSing: It’s always a good sign when the author doesn’t know the meaning of words. It means he can’t read our jokes and get mad.

Pegasi In The Sky

CaptainPipsqueak: As opposed to underwater. Which is good, because pegasi can’t swim worth shit.

MrSing: I can go twice as high. Take a pic, it’s in a fic. The riffing rainbow.

Scarlet: ~Weeeee will read anything~

CaptainPipsqueak: ~And then regret/the goal we set/Riffing Rainbow~

SC276: With diamonds?

story. And five weeks before the Dash's Day story.

Crazy56U: “And about ten days after my bout of diarrhea. Remarkably, I got a lot of

writing done during it!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Once all the shit was out of me, I put it in my story!”

ToonGuy: Considering the nature of this story, that brings up terrible images.

SC276: Tell me this guy at least has a journal giving an objective timeline, otherwise I’m not sure why he bothered.

Mononeko: I think you’re giving this guy too much credit.

Please excuse all the overuses of words/over explanations, as I was just learning at the time. (and still are)

JofY: At least he admits it.

Scarlet: “I are still learning.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It am difficult, but me doing my bestest.”

Crazy56U: You clearly need to go back to school, then. Taking more time to learn is

not a bad thing here.

I would fix it but I wanted to keep my original idea intact.

JofY: That’s no reason for bad grammar.

Crazy56U: “Also, I can’t be bothered, fuck you.”

ToonGuy: Isn’t that a bit like a builder keeping a really shit house up that could kill someone because it was his first go?

SC276: A perverted sentimentality.

MrSing: Rule one of being a great writer: burn and hide your old shame. That one’s for free, kid.

When I first uploaded this story all the way back in August 2014

Crazy56U: Oh, great, another reason to hate 2014.

MrSing: Ancient and barbaric times.

Scarlet: When mammoths walked the earth, and “Selfie” got radio play.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, and...and...did anything of note take place in 2014?

Crazy56U: Well, there was the tragic murdering of “How I Met Your Mother” on March 31st...

I've since fixed (a lot) of grimmer mistakes to make it readable.

Mononeko: But I kept the lighthearted ones.

CaptainPipsqueak: He tells us he’s taken care of grammar errors while misspelling grammar. Oh God; this is gold.

Crazy56U: Well, at least he made the story more light-hearted...

Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading my first work, NSH.

JofY: Uh...

Crazy56U: This isn’t called “NSH”, Author. Did you seriously forget which story you

are writing?!

ToonGuy: Would not surprise me in the least.

It Has Been

MrSing: So how is that fixing a lot of “grimmer” mistakes working out for you?

Scarlet: I feel bad for complaining about the editors last time we riffed Pen Stroke.

Crazy56U: The More You Know

CaptainPipsqueak: ...The Less You Wish You Had.

SC276: ~-one week since you looked at me...~

about two months now since Rainbow Dash had found out that she could open portals to my world.

JofY: And yet, she still hasn’t replied to any of my texts.

Crazy56U: Insert Double Rainboom joke here.

SC276: Well that’s freakin’ convenient.

MrSing: “Oops, just teared a hole between dimension. I guess I can do that now.”

Scarlet: Let’s try it! *leaps through a glowing portal*

Crazy56U: ...bye!

CaptainPipsqueak: [GLADoS] “Oh goody; more test subjects! Let’s do science.”

“I still can't believe it every time she visits me.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It takes me half an hour to clean up the mess she leaves.”

Crazy56U: And this part of narration is in quote because… the Narrator is talking to… ...himself?

Mononeko: Considering the story we’re in, this is probably true.

CaptainPipsqueak: This guy considers quotes to be… well I’m not sure what he thinks of them, only that they should be used liberally. Quotations are the new comma.

SC276: Maybe it’s something like the narrator in Bastion.

She'd always liked to hang out at my house for a few hours two or three times a week, as It was far too dangerous for us to do anything out of the house

Crazy56U: “Some old guy kept offering us a sword to do so, though. ...don’t really trust that guy…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Did he say anything about it being dangerous to go alone?

MrSing: The protagonist and the cops aren’t, shall we say, on the best of terms.

CaptainPisqueak: Well, at least the cops and us are on the same wavelength.

JofY: Uhh.... At best, they have the same frequency.

CaptainPipsqueak: Potahto, potayto...

seeing as how no one other than me I had seen a Pony like her before.

Waterpear: Dangerous? Is this one of those fics where humans are all “I AM MANDOR! MANDOR SEE COLORFUL PONY. MANDOR MURDER!”?

Crazy56U: ...I’m starting to think that this story isn’t actually happening and the

Narrator is crazy...

CaptainPipsqueak: You should know by now that these are actually written - you’ve done more than your share.

ToonGuy: You think those kind of guys have their own special club?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. It’s called Fanfiction.net.

SC276: Not a very exclusive club, is it.

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Special’ and ‘exclusive’ are not conflicting terms. AO3 is catching up as well.

As we grew closer as friends over the weeks,

Crazy56U: I’d like to think that drugs were involved… just because.

CaptainPipsqueak: I can see how that would speed the process, yes.

MrSing: Most people need drugs to become friends with talking blue horses.

Scarlet: *emerges from glowing portal* Not me, though! I just don’t make friends.

CaptainPipsqueak: [GLAdoS] “That really hurts me in my heart, you know.”

Dash ended up spending pretty much all day relaxing or watching some Indiana Jones films of which she loved to compare to her beloved Daring Do books.

Scarlet: “It’s the same thing but with more screaming women in the second film!”

Crazy56U: And there’s a disappointing lack of Shia LaBeouf in Daring Do…

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Disappointing lack’ and ‘Shia LaBeouf’ do not go together like that.

MrSing: The ponies are really missing out on never having had nazies. The movies just aren’t the same without them.

The time zones used to so different between our worlds,

Crazy56U: (picks up a “be” from the ground) Hey, did anyone drop this?

but now their time passes at almost the same as ours give or take a few hours.

Crazy56U: Is it because Equestria doesn’t believe in Daylight Savings Time?

CaptainPipsqueak: I can see the reasoning behind that, being as their royalty control the day and night.

SC276: When Apocalymon appeared, the time between your world and our world became synchronized.

MrSing: The daylight saving times became crazy inconvenient.

Scarlet: Skype Dn’D sessions became much easier to set up!

In a lot of ways it feels like our two worlds are becoming one amazing reality.

JofY: In fact, they are planning to start this new thing that will change humans into ponies to help with this merge. So far, things look promising.

ToonGuy: Apparently they’re looking to go global! So that’s a plus.

Crazy56U: Eh, I don’t know, this one crazy chick on the Internet is a wee bit too into the idea, if you catch my drift.

CaptainPipsqueak: Eh; there’s always one...

MrSing: Just cram the realities together into one big colorful rainbow mush.

Twilight Sparkle along with various other researchers in Equestria had found easier ways to would cross

Crazy56U: Yes, yes, would cross, but should cross? That’s the real question.

SC276: Would cross could cross should cross lying in the sun...

MrSing: How much cross would a would cross cross if a would cross would cross would?

JofY: 7.

CaptainPisqueak: My calculations suggest twelve.

from studying Rainbow Dash's amazing abilities over this short time, but soon world crossing became regulated.

JofY: Curse you, bureaucracy!!!

Crazy56U: The process to get a world-crossing visa is so bullshit, let me tell ya. Makes a trip to the DMV look like a trip to 7-11...

CaptainPipsqueak: Is it true that you actually have to post your entire itinerary before they clear you?

Crazy56U: Not just your itinerary, let me tell you. Jesus Christ, the amount of shit you need to provide is just… wow…

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh Jesus...They don’t still...probe you, do they?

Crazy56U: (uncomfortably shifts in seat) ...yep...

Mononeko: Yep, haven’t been able to walk straight for days…

CaptainPipsqueak: The trip back is even worse. Hooves. ‘nuff said.

SC276: You gotta shove it up your ass, Morty!

On the rare occasion when her friends did show up with her, it was really only to collect “field research”

JofY: Other than the fields, there wasn’t anything actually different. Just the fields.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...but there were a lot of fields, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, it was basically “Reverse ‘Pokemon Snap’”.

Scarlet: “Field Research”. Is that what kids are calling it these days?

as Twilight called it when she would borrow various gaming magazines and books from me to read and return on hers or Dashes next trip.

CaptanPipsqueak: Ten bucks says Twilight gets into ‘League of Legends.’

Crazy56U: (scoff) Please, Twilight would be more into WOW. Pinkie, on the other

hand, she’d be into LOL.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but in her case it would mostly be because of the acronym. Fluttershy plays Diablo III. I call it.

Crazy56U: Nah, my money’s on Club Penguin. Because.

CaptainPipsqueak: It has to be something violent. Otherwise the joke is ruined.

Crazy56U: Heh, you think Club Penguin isn’t violent… ...you fool…

ToonGuy: Rarity would definitely be into Minecraft. All the fabulous jewels.

SC276: So she’d kill for pearls?

Mononeko: Do you think Lyra would play The Sims?

I think it was Twilight that spearheaded this, inter-dimensional research program.

JofY: Inter-dimensional research program NO!

Crazy56U: It was going to be called “Project: Sliders”, but Twilight faced a copyright

infringement thing over it.

Scarlet: We defaulted on “Stargate” as well.

CaptainPipsqueak: Have you considered “Wormhole X-treme!”?

But don't quote me that.

CaptainPipsqueak: Okay.

Waterpear: “Don’t quote me on that.” ~ some guy who dated bluefast

Crazy56U: (writing in notebook) Yeah, uh huh, don’t quote, got it…

JofY: Anything you say, can and will be used against you...

SC276: Aren’t we in quotation marks right now?

CaptainPipsqueak: Have we reached our quote-a yet?

You sure couldn't make up this stuff about about realities and dimensions,

MrSing: I’ll bet you ten bucks the author had a insufferable smirk on their face when they wrote that line.

It always made my head hurt trying to understand it, but I guess reality will always be stranger than fiction.

Crazy56U: The only good thing about reality, really, is spaghetti. Spaghetti is

important.

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah. Lasagna all the way.

Crazy56U: Shut up, Garfield, why don’t you go back to your buddy, Bill Murray, and make another terrible live action movie... ...sorry, I just felt like ragging on the Garfield movie...

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, cannelloni is good, too.

SC276: Um, all this seems really clear-cut to me. Also, given I’ve got a canon that revolves entirely around dimensional travel, I have, thank you very much.

I had been watching one of those Red Bull air races on TV that evening,

Crazy56U: Author, product placement is a sin. (takes a swig of Diet Coke) Shame.

JofY: Damn it! I thought I had Adblock on!

Crazy56U: No, you do, it’s just that the Author found a way to bypass it. He’s that

much of an ass. (takes another swig of Diet Coke)

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah! What bullshit is this? (takes a handful of Jelly Belly)

ToonGuy: Damn, this stuff is good. *Grabs the Walmart bag and pulls out Sunny D.*

SC276: Insert line from that GIFset from that movie here. (pulls out a Nintendo 3DS)

Scarlet: Sure would be great for people to read The Fumble, now endorsed by absolutely no major corporation!

MrSing: Woah, where did all this money come from?

thinking that the pilots flying as fast as they did in those planes were the closest thing a human like me could get to being a real Wonderbolt.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why are they using planes? Red Bull gives you wings, doesn’t it?

Crazy56U: Please, that’s a myth.

CaptainPipsqueak: Really? Because I can just imagine them tooling around and making jet noises.

Scarlet: The drug references in this story are started to add up. This guy is just stupid high.

Mononeko: I think he’s either stupid or high.

CaptainPipsqueak: The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

I always liked aviation glowing up,

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, he likes his planes what shine in the darkness.

Crazy56U: Radioactive Planes: The Future Is Now!

to this day I still have a model jet fighter on one of the bookcases in my room along with a photo of Spitfire posing with Rainbow Dash that the Pegasus had giving me a few weeks after we first met.

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, you stole it.

Scarlet: I prefer to think of it as ‘borrowing for life’.

Mononeko: [Someone who enters his room] “Ummm, why do you have a photo of a blue horse?”

That’s probably why I admired the Pegasi so much.

MrSing: He was always a sucker for posing.

They were living my dream of flying with complete freedom like they did with those powerful wings of theirs.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Also, Rainbow Dash has an incredible ass. Don’t tell her I said so.”

Crazy56U: ...I feel uncomfortable now…

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, that’s where things are headed. Don’t fool yourself.

ToonGuy: I’ve already got myself some Brain Bleach just for the occasion.

JofY: Oh… That wasn’t supposed to go down the drain?

MrSing: Oh please, have you ever even seen a Segway? If humans had wings they would be too lazy to fly.

They'd just announced the winner with the fastest time when all of a sudden, I saw a bright whitish/blue light flash throughout the house

Crazy56U: “And then a- wait, is that a flying DeLorean?!”

Scarlet: *makes TARDIS noises*

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t wreck your throat now.

SC276: Well it’s not one of mine. Those are all blue.

MrSing: Plot twist. This story takes place in Hiroshima.

and a loud “BANG” a little less loader then a gunshot rang out.

JofY: EVERYONE! GET DOWN!

CaptainPipsqueak: It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly a shot rang out!

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Insert topical joke here about gun violence.

MrSing: S.W.A.T. team to the rescue! And you thought I was joking when I said the police was looking for him.

Nox: You’re in my way, sir.

Then seeing as the bright light started to diminish a cyan blue Pegasi laying in the middle of my dining room floor.

Crazy56U: Annnd Rainbow’s dead. THE END

Scarlet: Cyan bl- a blue, blue pegasus? Yo listen up here’s a story about a blue pegasus in a blue room, and all day and all night-

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh dabadee.

After seeing what just happened, I quickly jumped off the couch I'd been sitting on and ran over to the distraught Pegasus.

Mononeko: “Looks like meat’s back on the menu!”

Scarlet: To finish her off and get the free EXP and item drops!

CaptainPipsqueak: Loot-whore.

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) CaptainPipsqueak would be excellent at CinemaSins.

(ding!)

CaptainPipsqueak: Is that a compliment or an insult?

SC276: Easy EXP.

“Ugh, I got to find a better way of doing this...”

JofY: [Dash] “This is the worst way of breaking and entering.”

Crazy56U: (punches table in anger) Shit…

JofY: ...Dude. Why did you punch my table?

Crazy56U: It was either the table or the wall…

ToonGuy: So does that mean it’s open season on punching JofY’s table?

JofY: If you guys keep breaking my stuff, do you know what I’ll have to do?

ToonGuy: Get a new table?

JofY: You will? Great. I like the expensive kind.

SC276: Does that “better way” including doing it outside?

said an exhausted Rainbow Dash who was laying in front of me, now putting a hoof on her aching head.

MrSing: She had left a part of her brain behind in Equestria. Again.

“What happened?” I asked helping her off the ground and back up onto hooves again adding

Crazy56U: She was playing Counter Strike with Larry the Cable Guy, what did you

think happened, you idiot?

Scarlet: Is that what it looks like when you come down from a dimensional high?

“Haven't You been talking to Twilight about how to world jump easier Dashie? “Well,”

JofY: Have you ever heard of the quotation mark overpopulation theory? Oh, by the way. Get used to quotation marks, we’ll be seeing a lot of them.

CaptainPipsqueak: Covered that already. ‘The New Comma.’

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Well, I was, but Twilight had discovered that movie ‘Jumper’ and, well... ...she got mad…”

Rainbow Dash said, starting to explain.

Scarlet: “Well, for starters, ponies and people just sort of cross the dimensional boundary all the time now, and-”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Okay, there was this thing, and then this thing happened, and meanwhile a whole lot of things occurred-”

CaptainPipsqueak: Rainbow Dash explaining things would be something along the lines of “Bad shit happened. I broke a rule. Now I’m here.”

“Since I'm not aloud to travel here for the time being,

MrSing: Like any sensible species would, we had established a “no teleporting” zone over this dweebs house.

It wouldn't really be the smartest move I could make and… “Suddenly,”

CaptainPipsqueak: “So visit here aquietly, then.”

Crazy56U: Suddenly, what? Suddenly, you jumped anyway?

SC276: Suddenly, pineapples!

I stopped her mid sentence.

Crazy56U: Oh. ...you see, I didn’t make the connection that it was part of the narration since you put it in quotes.

Scarlet: Stop! Wait a minute.

“What do you mean You're not allowed to travel here, did something happen?

JofY: “What happened to your grammar?

Crazy56U: What, did Rainbow get put in time out or something?

SC276: [Rainbow] “No, I said aloud. Pay attention, you’re supposed to be my boyfriend or something.”

Scarlet: “Rainbow Miriam Dash, you didn’t attempt to smuggle churros back to Equestria again did you? You know they’re banned!”

CaptainPisqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “But they’re just so goooood!”

MrSing: You know how things have been since pony 9/11.

I thought Twilight and the others proved that cross world traveling was safe?.”

Scarlet: Yeah, nothing potentially dangerous about suddenly introducing a massive influx of land and resources to the entire human world without any sort of safety net.

Crazy56U: Eh, they did their math on a napkin, it checked out.

CaptainPipsqueak: And then someone wiped up a coffee stain. Most of the equations could still be read, though. Kinda.

“They did, and it is!” she told me in an uplifting tone. “But,” after I kind of took that whiskey bottle back with me last time,

SC276: Why did you take a whiskey bottle?

Mononeko: I don’t know, but it reminds me I need a drink to get through this.

Scarlet: Oh god, I was kidding about smuggler Dash.

Crazy56U: SC276, that is a stupid question, and you know it.

I forgot to hide it and they um, “found it...”

JofY: [Dash] “And I said that I only wanted to try… but she brought out the belt and-”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “And then they tried to take it, but I wasn’t done drinking, and then things got violent, and then I pulled out a knife-”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “Still have no idea where that came from…”

she told me with a sheepish grin on her face. "So yeah, now I’m banned from cross world visiting!"

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “All because I refused to share. Assholes.”

Crazy56U: (slow clap) GG Rainbow. You managed to get blacklisted from the very

thing you helped make possible.

SC276: How is there going to be cross-world travel now? We haven’t gotten any evidence that anyone besides Rainbow can do it.

ToonGuy: Magic. They don’t have to explain it.

MrSing: Alcohol is once again the unsung hero that tried to protect us from this story.

she stated quickly, smiling up at me as the guilt and embarrassment in her voice built up. “Oh, so that's where that went.” I told her in a sly tone as Rainbow Dash continued.

JofY: Ah. Petty larceny.

CaptainPipsqueak: Bullshit. Whenever Rainbow does it it’s awesome larceny.

Crazy56U: [???] “Goddamnit, Rainbow, that was my dinner!”

Crazy56U: (vomits candy corn)

CaptainPipsqueak: Ew. People eat that stuff? The antichrist of candy?

Crazy56U: (grabs a handful of candy corn) (dumps it on your head)

“I'm so sorry man, but You can't get stuff like that back in Cloudsdale aside from Las Pegasus!

JofY: You’d think they’d want to export that kind of stuff.

Crazy56U: Well, there’s also Canterlot, but the cost for such whiskey there is obscene.

SC276: I don’t think you understand how cities work, author.

Scarlet: I don’t think he understands how booze works.

CaptainPipsqueak: Shit, this poor guy’s running out of things to understand. Soon he’ll forget balance.

and I well, um… wanted something to remember You by between visits.” she told me sincerely as her face turned away blushing slightly from embarrassment.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “Every time I see you I just want to get shitfaced drunk. I think I might have a problem.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Well, that, and I’m too cheap to actually buy alcohol...”

MrSing: She doesn’t have a problem, stealing heavy booze from your friends is (*≧▽≦)♡ ~romantic!~ ♡ ★~(◡﹏◕✿)

JofY: AHH!!! A weaboo! *punches MrSing in the face*

“Hey, It's alright Dashie, I told her with a consoling tone as she looked up to me. “I'm just sorry that You got in trouble for bringing it back with you that's all.” I said, reassuring her that I wasn't mad at her actions.

JofY: Just soul-crushingly disappointed in her.

Crazy56U: He was crying on the inside, though, due to the loss of his bottle...

SC276: I’m not sure what’s worse, that this guy has no idea how quotation marks work, or that he can’t figure out proper writing structure otherwise.

In fact to be honest, I was flattered

MrSing: “It’s so nice of her to steal from me.”

that She was thinking about me when we were apart, though I'd be too embarrassed to tell her that.

JofY: I remember things best by drinking.

Crazy56U: Haven’t you two been dating for like three weeks now?

ToonGuy: And she’s already on the drinking phase? God, that bad?

Scarlet: Well, this guy hasn’t noticed even once the implications of his girlfriend needing booze to “remember him”.

“Twilight and the others are so overprotective with these cross world contamination laws!”

JofY: It’s almost as if some sort of virus or something could cross over, decimating an entire civilization!

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s crazy talk. You’re crazy.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Hell, I washed my hooves before taking the bottle, you’d think that was enough!”

SC276: We have to maintain the world border!

Dash said angrily. "I've never gotten any sort of illness from visiting your world!,

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, yeah, I did have that diarrhea thing, but I

attribute that to Taco Bell.”

ToonGuy: Well, to be fair to Twilight, if there’s anything that’s going to wipe out entire worlds, it’s going to be found in Taco Bell.

CaptainPipsqueak: Fatburger for the win. Damn they make kickass milkshakes.

MrSing: If you mean that you feel like you’ve been kicked in the ass after eating there, than yeah.

I was given a three month travel ban and a 300bit fine by the equestrian “royal council” if you can believe it!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, c’mon. ‘Royal council’?! (scoff) That’s not a real

thing!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “And then I found out it was. After razzing Celestia about it. Boy, was that a dark day…”

“Didn't Twilight try and help you out at all?” I said, causing Rainbow to then let out a deep sigh, lowing her head. “Yeah, but there was little she could do at that point.”

Crazy56U: ...Twilight refused to help your dumb ass out, didn’t she?

SC276: You freakin’ stole something, what else did you expect?!

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean okay, I made her watch me finish the bottle, but still…”

The look on her face getting ever redder as she continued on. “It's just not fair!, I'm the one who has the world jumping ability to begin with!

Crazy56U: Wait, I thought that Twilight had that inter-dimensional research thing?

Isn’t the point of that to make inter-dimensional avaliable for everyone?

ToonGuy: If that’s the case, insert topical joke about politics here.

Crazy56U: WOW, ToonGuy, tell us how you really feel about Donald Trump, damn...

without me, none of this would even be possible!, and they had the nerve to tell me I can't come here?, “seriously." "WHAT THE BUCK.!”

JofY: Screw politics, it’s not like life could ever depend on it.

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) #LetRainbowSayFuck2016

ToonGuy: GET THE MOVEMENT SPREADING.

CaptainPipsqueak: #SayFuckNotBuck

SC276: #UseQuoteMarksCorrectly

CaptainPipsqueak: #Let’sNotGetTOOCrazySC726

JofY: #Stoptheoveruseofhashtags

she told me with a angered look as I began to approach her, putting my arms around the upset Pegasus and consolingly holding her close to me.

ToonGuy: And thus it BEGINS.

Mononeko: *gulp*, mommy, I’m scared...

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(muffled) Hey, what the, I can’t breathe!”

Scarlet: I executed my follow-up chokehold effortlessly.

“Hey, it's alright Dashie.” I said giving her a gentle hug feeling her soft coat. "And don't worry, I'll help pay that crazy fine of yours, there's got to be something around here that's worth that much in Esqestra!.

JofY: In Esqestra? Yes. In Equestria? No.

CaptainPipsqueak: What’s the exchange rate between Esqestra and Equestria anyway?

Waterpear: About 600 Esqestran btis = 1 Equestrian bit

Crazy56U: [???] “No, I’m not drunk, shut up!”

SC276: I know there’s been research about roughly how much bits are in American dollars, but I can’t be arsed to look those up now.

Looking into her big eyes I then said. "What's important right now is that you're here." as she then looked back at me, saying. “I couldn't let you do that, money always ruins friendships and I..."

JofY: You hear that everyone? If you help a friend with a loan, you are DECIMATING YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH THEM!

ToonGuy: Especially if it means that you’ll probably never see them again!

CaptainPipsqueak: Clearly the correct course of action is to point and laugh.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, the economy must be destroyed at all costs?

Suddenly, I stopped her next words with a light kiss on Dash's forehead.

JofY: How’s that face-eye coordination?

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God; they’re going to fuck at some point, aren’t they?

ToonGuy: Think we established that early on.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, but sometimes I hate when we’re right.

Crazy56U: And thus begins the bestiality.

SC276: Followed by a left to the breadbasket and a right to the chops.

CaptainPipsqueak: Bread and chops. Great. Now I’m hungry.

“It's OK, I want to.”

JofY: I want to ruin our friendship.

Crazy56U: No you don’t, trust me, that’s the bad writing talking.

SC276: “Don’t do it, bear, it’s the fanfic talking!”

I told the upset mare as I began to see a light smile slowly come over Dash’s face, knowing just how much I cared about her.

JofY: Not at all.

Crazy56U: ...they’re going to plow soon, aren’t they?

SC276: Get on with it!

Scarlet: I rented a ‘70s porn music record and everything! In retrospect, I regret this!

“We'll see” Rainbow Dash said, starting to blush slightly more from the kiss I had given her. “Sorry about the rough entrance,

ToonGuy: [George Takei] OH MY.

Crazy56U: Wait, that was a rough entrance?

but I wasn't about to let some stupid travel ban stop me from seeing you!"

JofY: And that’s when the space police burst in.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Space Cop] “I swear, I thought she was going for a knife. That’s why I shot her three times!”

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, let me guess: Rainbow isn’t going to be allowed to go back home now?

The Pegasus then told me as I wiped away the tears from her eyes before slowly brushing my hand down the soft coat on her back, feeling her furs amazingly soft texture.

CaptainPipsqueak: Should we...be here any longer?

ToonGuy: Probably not. But we’re staying anyway.

Crazy56U: (depressedly drinks more Diet Coke)

SC276: Didn’t you already talk about her fur being soft? Also, who is it that gets upset at giving ponies fur instead of hair again?

“Other than flying with the Wonderbolts and spending time with my friends, I enjoy coming here and visiting You the most.”

JofY: You’re third best.

Crazy56U: yay

SC276: It’s because of YOU, isn’t it?

Scarlet: I’ve made an appropriately tiny trophy out of paper-mache!

Rainbow told me smiling. “I always look forward to seeing You too Dashie, I told her with a look of sincerity. “Thanks, you're the best most awesome friend a Pegasi could ask for!” Dash exclaimed

SC276: [Rainbow] “The friends I have that let me shoot rainbows at supervillains aren’t worth jack in comparison!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(yells at the ceiling) Yeah, you hear that?! (shakes hoof) Fuck you, Pinkie!”

Mononeko: [Pinkie] “Hey! I heard that!”

hugging me tighter before breaking off

Crazy56U: Your head? Please say she killed you and we can end this early…

Scarlet: If killing the characters was all it took to do that, don’t you think I would’ve been trying harder already?

the hug

Crazy56U: (punches a hole into the table)

Mononeko: (shakes his head disappointed) you had one chance Rainbow…

CatainPipsqueak: “YOU HAD ONE JOB!”

a few seconds later. “Now, I'm starving! what's the plan for dinner tonight?.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “I figured we’d just have a snack. Cupcakes. … Why are you looking at me like that?”

JofY: “Hors-... Nothing…”

Crazy56U: [???] “Eh, I didn’t get paid this week, so... ...you up for crackers and

ketchup?”

SC276: First step of the recipe: break up the wall into multiple paragraphs.

One of the highlights of Rainbow Dash’s trips to my world was the food, because it was only in our world that could she have such amazing things like steaks, hamburgers, or generally any kind of food with meat in it Rainbow Dash secretly craved and loved.

CaptainPipsqeak: Yeah...she sure loves the meat. Heh heh heh...

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s going to have a fucking heart attack at this rate, those are the

kill foods...

SC276: Plus I’m pretty sure she can’t eat meat. This is freakin’ Mykan all over again.

She had to keep this fact a secret in her world as generally, ponies were vegetarians and frowned greatly at eating any kind of meat.

JofY: ...Ah, taboos. Aren’t they grand?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, I have one one of a skull on my forearm. … Wait; you said ‘taboo’ didn’t you?

Crazy56U: Please, Twilight had bacon and loved that shit. ...you know, assuming that

Equestria Girls takes place in this world...

SC276: Pretty sure that’s biologically impossible.

Crazy56U: You can accomplish any impossible task if you try hard enough. Also, horses can’t puke, and yet Pinkie did just that in that episode where Applejack was sleep-deprived and almost murdered everyone.

SC276: You’re trying to make an excuse for MLP ponies not acting like real ponies by quoting Pinkie?

Crazy56U: Hey, I’m not proud of my actions either, but there you go.

CaptainPipsqueak: *Meanwhile, in Ponyville* [Pinkie] “Ear-flap, rear hoof two-tap...Somepony’s talking about me!”

“Well, we could always get those cheese steaks like last time,” I asked. “They're good and everything. But ever since my last visit I've really been craving some of that awesome pizza we had!”

JofY: Instead of the boring pizza.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I’ve had some boring pizza in my time. The best way to tell if it’s good pizza is if you can eat it cold from the fridge and think to yourself ‘This doesn’t need heating.’

Crazy56U: Split the difference: cheesesteak pizza. I think Domino’s still sells it...

SC276: I’d like twenty.

Dash said looking at me with an enthusiastic smile.”

“Alright it's settled then, pizza for dinner it is!"

CaptainPipsqueak: “Do you mind if I invite my turtle friends to come along?”

ToonGuy: “Also, if a rat comes to the door, don’t kill it. He’s their chaperone.”

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, a fat orange cat waits outside and plots to steal their pizza before becoming CGI again and becoming a fucking annoy- look, I just rewatched the Garfield movie recently, and I have regrets...

SC276: Don’t watch the sequel then.

Crazy56U: Maybe you should say that to Past Crazy56U then. (begins openly sobbing)

I said starting to think that there was only "one" pizza place in my area that we liked to order from,

Crazy56U: Funnily enough, it was actually the Taco Bell...

SC276: Like, one of those combo restaurants that has a Pizza Hut Express menu, or were they getting Mexican Pizza because I swear that’s a thing?

Crazy56U: Yes.

already knowing what kind of toppings Rainbow Dash had in mind, It was the her favorite,

ToonGuy: I’m glad it was the her favorite, I’d hate if it was just her favorite. Totally take me out of the immersive story.

CaptainPipsqueak: If there were “two” or even “three” there might be an entire page devoted to deciding.

Crazy56U: (reads from “Pizza Place” menu) Let’s see… “The Her Favorite”... ...dear

God, that’s an obscene amount of topping…...

CaptainPipsqueak: Two pounds of bacon. Geez, I’m surprised it doesn’t go straight to her hips.

with spicy pepperoni, mushrooms, ham, “with sausage” and really anything other meat they had for toppings she really enjoyed.

CaptainPipsqueak: Thank God Dash lives alone. I do not want to be in her house half an hour later.

Waterpear: I really don’t want to know what the “with sausage” is made from.

CaptainPipsqueak: Homeless people.

Crazy56U: Like, seriously, you see my point? That is way too much topping!

SC276: So, you ordered a meat lover’s?

After I finished ordering the most toppings on a pizza they probity ever had received,

JofY: Because, ordering everything, doesn’t exist.

ToonGuy: Of course it doesn’t! Haven’t you heard, it’s probity the most they’ve ever had!

Crazy56U: Hey now, the night is young, and I have it on high authority that stoners like pizza...

I sat down on one of the bar stools on the other side of the kitchen counter as Rainbow Dash was quick to join me, flying over and sitting on the adjacent stool,

CaptainPipsqueak: Walking that short distance clearly being below her...

Crazy56U: You know what would fix this story? It suddenly becoming a “Cheers”

crossover for no good reason…

CaptainPipsqueak: FUCK. YOU.

Crazy56U: Hey now, I could’ve made a worse comment due to the mention of bar

stools...

CaptainPipsqueak: ...you…?

Mononeko: ...gusta?

SC276: A long long way to run!

Crazy56U: I ran so far away...

seeing the look of excitement and anticipation for the delicious pizza that was on the Pegasus's face was priceless.

Crazy56U: Seriously, you are going to kill her if you let her eat that, I’m calling it now!

“Man this pizza's gonna be so awesome! can. not. wait.”

Mononeko: must. resist. to. say. something.

Crazy56U: why are we whispering?

Rainbow Dash said ecstatically. “They said it should be here in ten to fifteen minutes.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Only if they microwaved it.

Crazy56U: Five hours later, Rainbow had burned down the house in outrage of the

pizza not arriving. What’s His Face died in the blaze.

Mononeko: YAAAAY!

Ugh, wish I could make time go faster...” She muttered to herself looking over at the clock in the living room.

ToonGuy: There’s a time and a place for mucking around!

SC276: No one mention anything Superman’s done to her.

Crazy56U: And then, inspired by the clock, Rainbow decided to try and build a time machine. All she ultimately did was break the microwave. What’s His Face died in the blaze.

“So Dash, how have things been going with the Wonderbolts?” I asked. “Pretty good,” Rainbow Dash said looking back in my direction.

JofY: “Still haven’t hired me yet…”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “You just wait; I’ll create my own stunt team! Yeah...yeah!”

Mononeko: With blackjack and hookers?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, I haven’t been fired yet, so…”

"We just got back from a show in Saddle Arabia that was pretty awesome. "The highlight of the show was when Soarin and Spitfire showed off this new move called the triple rotation double loop dive,

CaptainPipsqueak: I try to envision that and my nose bleeds. Is that normal?

SC276: Honestly, flight moves just seemed to be named randomly to me.

Crazy56U: AKA. a barrel roll, Star Fox 64 style.

”I of course” were the most talented of everypony there thanks to my now signature move, “The Triple Sonic Rain Boom!”

JofY: it ruins everyones gramma

ToonGuy: What yu mean, budy

SC276: (There’s a pile of syntax rules in this trash heap.)

Crazy56U: FUCK ME, “DOUBLE RAINBOOM” IS CANON IN THIS STORY

She exclaimed in a cocky tone throwing her hooves up in the air. “A triple sonic rain boom huh... "Can you even do that?" I asked suspiciously.

Mononeko: Oh god no, as if a double rainboom wasn’t bad enough already.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Dude, do you even know who I am?!”

“Of course I can!” she stated confidently. “I can't pull it off all the time,

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Because it requires me to do a line of coke before hand,

and I have to use it sparingly; Fluttershy charges an obscene amount for it…”

but with the other Wonderbolts amazing moves,

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Which are just… just awful...”

I just had to one up em!” Rainbow said as she pointed a hoof to her chest

SC276: You were trying to show up your teammates? With a dangerous move given the crazy speeds you have to do for just one burst?

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, Rainbow, did you learn nothing from that “Wonderbolts Academy” episode?! Showboating is dangerous!

than looking at me with suspicion. “Why, you don't think I did it?” Dash asked me with a sly tone in her voice. “Well then... If that's the case then maybe I'll just have to show You first hoof!”

JofY: Let’s destroy everything!

CaptainPipsqueak: Can I bring the grenade launcher?

ToonGuy: I’ll get the sledgehammer.

SC276: (pulls out flint and steel) 420 blaze it!

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(punches ??? in the nose) And now, second hoof! (proceeds to break ???’s jaw)”

“As much as I'd love to see that Dash, I don't think it would be the best idea, considering you'd probity break every window within 300 miles I told her jokingly.

ToonGuy: Yes, she ‘probity’ will, taking that last set of quotations marks with her no doubt.

SC276: Um, three hundred miles would cover the entire state of Nevada.

Crazy56U: That’s not a joke, dipshit, windows are expensive.

CaptainPipsqueak: Not to mention something like that would also kill everyone within three hundred miles.

“I'll take your word for it alright." I said, patting her on the back.

“OK fine..." But I’m taking You to see our next show so can witness my moves first well, “Hand!” The Rainbow mare said looking down at my hands.

JofY: ...Good job, Dash. Can you tell me where the foot is next?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Hey, what happened to your thumbs?!”

[???] “(embarrassed) Ah, well, you see, I owed someone money-”

A confused expression then quickly came over her face as I asked. “How could I see your show,

Crazy56U: Well, on the television, obviously, but that requires a cable subscription,

however you can watch it online, but that requires an Internet connection an-

I thought humans couldn't travel back to Equestria?”

JofY: Darn you, B.S.

SC276: If other ponies can travel with Dash to this would, why can’t humans go the other way?

Crazy56U: Oh. ...why are we still on this Wonderbolts thing, that isn’t going to amount to anything in this story! ...probably!

Well, um. Rainbow Dash thought for a few seconds, suddenly remembering something that Twilight had told her as she then said. “Yeah, I guess You're right, I umm. I forget sometimes” she uttered out looking down at the floor as I then placed one of my hands on her neck consolingly telling her.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “Hey! Bad touch, buddy…”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “GAH! (flinches) Dude, your hand is freezing!”

“Hey, hey, It’s alright Dashie, but there's something I just don’t understand, If you guys can cross into my world and take books and stuff, why can’t I just go back with You into Your world?”

JofY: This is how to tell if she’s actually into you, or just mooching.

Crazy56U: [???] “What, I mean, it’s not like you got me blacklisted as well. Right?”

[Rainbow Dash] “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

SC276: That’s what I just asked!

Rainbow Dash looked puzzled for a minute, then saying the first thing she could think of hastily.

JofY: “I… I hate sand!”

ToonGuy: “It’s coarse and rough and irritating. Just like you!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “If there were two guys on the moon and one of them

killed the other with a rock would that be fucked up or what?”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “Hey; who did put the ‘bop’ in the ‘bopshoobopshoobop’?”

“I guess we’ll um, have to ask Twilight next time we see her about that." Rainbow Dash told me with a nervous tone in her voice.

JofY: She’s hiding something! Press her!

Mononeko: Hold It!

ToonGuy: I thought we didn’t want sex in this.

Crazy56U: And thus, the story takes a turn for the LA Noire...

I could tell by her reaction that she was maybe hiding something, but I didn’t want to press the matter.

JofY: Oh… I was actually joking there.

Crazy56U: But he said he wasn’t going to press it. Technically, it’s still a joke!

“Yeah, that sounds like a plan to me."

Crazy56U: A shitty plan, mind you, but it is a plan!

“Her glance then looked towards the big bowl of fruit

Crazy56U: Well, apparently Rainbow brought a pet with her to Earth… ...why not Tank,

though...

I had on the countertop as Rainbow Dash started to reach out one of her hooves, proceeding to grab an apple from the bowl and roll it across the to her,

SC276: Sailing across the To Her: what George Washington did after crossing the Delaware.

Crazy56U: Little did Rainbow know that she just grabbed a wax apple...

taking a nice big bite out of it. “These are so sweet!, why is everything more awesome here?”

ToonGuy: You’re right. Not being able to fly naturally or use magic is pretty awesome.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, we do have Netflix! We got that going for us!

CaptainPipsqueak: And Dairy Queen!

JofY: Plus, we have war.

she asked, turning to me after taking a few more bites of the juicy yellow apple. “They can’t be better then one of Applejack’s apples right?” I asked. “Well, Dash thought about it for a few seconds then saying. “I guess AJ's are better overall. “But these are a close second!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, wouldn’t want to offend the redneck hick who’s in a totally different dimension, would you?

Crazy56U: No, you see, Rainbow is actually cheating on ??? with Applejack, it makes

sense...

“Oh my gosh!

JofY: What did you just say?

Crazy56U: Oh, hey-

oh my gosh!

JofY: Could you repeat that?

Crazy56U: I didn’t know-

oh my gosh!

JofY: Oh… Huh?

Captainpipsqueak: Dude, shut up or she’ll never stop.

Crazy56U: Rainbow liked Usher!

She then said ecstatically as her eyes widened. “I can only dream of what the cider must taste like from one of these apples! you gotta get some so I can try it.

ToonGuy: Ah, she’s clearly mooching. Romance is just a ploy by this addict for a new stash!

Crazy56U: Jesus, Rainbow, being with this guy is making you alcohol-dependent...

SC276: What does alcoholic cider even taste like compared to non-alcoholic?

CaptainPipsqueak: Sort of like sweet beer.

"Isn't your world getting into that season right now?" she inquired.

Mononeko: Oooh, so THAT’S the reason this guy is so attracted to her…

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Getting into season’ huh?

Crazy56U: Yeah, when does this take place, actually? I mean, months were

mentioned... just not which months...

That look of pure joy and cuteness she had in those violet eyes at the moment where almost too much for me to bare.

JofY: And, he’s dead.

CaptainPipsqueak: After he stripped the look naked.

SC276: Why are you reminding her of the home she’s a fugitive from?!

Crazy56U: Let me guess, his heart exploded twice?

I always made sure to have the bowl fully stocked with all kinds of fruit for when Rainbow Dash and her five friends visited.

JofY: Unfortunately it was usually fake.

CaptainPipsqueak: The fact that Rainbow still found them delicious was worrying.

Crazy56U: And 9 times outta 10, it’s just full of apples, lest he put up with a rant from Applejack.

They always enjoyed what I picked out because a lot of the different fruits they didn't have back in Equestria.

ToonGuy: Such as? I’m not saying it’s impossible, just asking for specifics.

Crazy56U: Like the Grapple, for one.

“Okay, I'll be sure I have the fridge stocked with cider for you to try on your next visit." I told her with a reassuring tone in my voice.

CaptainPisqueak: “And I promise it won’t be the alcoholic kind!” *crosses fingers*

Crazy56U: Yep, completely full of cider. Screw having food or shelves in your fridge,

fuck it, wall to wall cider just to please the flying rainbow horse, that’s the way!

“Oh, thank you thank you thank you!” she said excitingly, starting to reach across the the short distance between the bar stools holding me tightly with her forehooves as both her wings wrapped themselves around my back, embracing me ever so gently.

JofY: The embracing strangulation.

SC276: Rainbow Dash. Excited and gentle at the same time. Rainbow Dash.

CaptainPipsqueak: Wow; the real Rainbow Dash is gonna be pissed. Chrysalis is probably laughing her ass off right now.

Crazy56U: ...Rainbow’s wings are not long enough to actually do that. ...either she’s

the size of an actual horse on Earth, or ??? is practically flat.

“Your so awesome.” Dash whispered in my ear as she hugged me, her warm cyan coat pushing up closely against my chest as I felt her soft rainbow mane beside my face, ushering me to nozzle against her.

CaptainPipsqueak: He then sprayed her with cold water. The screams were comedy gold.

ToonGuy: Oh, so Candid Camera still exists.

SC276: Smile!

JofY: NEVER!!!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, that’s what happens when you put your face near a nozzle.

Crazy56U: Uh oh, ??? was so turned on, he turned into a gas pump.

I was kind of taken back at Dash’s reaction to me just saying I was going to have some apple cider for her, but then again, It was her favorite drink. Aside from rum and coke that is,

ToonGuy: More signs of being a addict! Will she never stop!

Crazy56U: Is it really smart to mix cocaine and alcohol?

of which Rainbow Dash “loved” among various other alcoholic drinks I liked to mix for her when she visited.

SC276: Oh so you’re an expert cocktail maker then. That would’ve been nice to know before now!

CaptainPipsqueak: *considers making crude joke about ‘cock’ and ‘tail’ but holds back*

Crazy56U: Mixing drinks is easy if you just pour them at the same time!

Never liking to get drunk to the point of passing out but just get a nice buzz going and relax on my couch after a long day of Wonderbolt practice or cloud duty, which Dash liked to volunteer for on the times of year that had the more cloudy days that needed extra help clearing up.

SC276: So… at least she’s not drinking and flying? Also, is the cider not being mentioned as being with or without alcohol in Equestria a sign the author is not-American?

Crazy56U: ...that is what we are ending the chapter on. A hug and the Narrator monologuing on Rainbow’s alcohol dependency. Why.

Chapter Two: Dinner With A Dash Of Rainbow

Waterpear: cartoon horse is not a condiment

JofY: But it is a spice.

Crazy56U: You’re adding rainbow sprinkles to your pizza?! The fuck?!

SC276: And I thought pineapple was freakin’ weird...

Still holding onto me in an embrace, her eyes stirred into mine.

JofY: Next, you pour in the milk.

CaptainPipsqueak: ~Crack crack crack the eggs into the bowl…~

Crazy56U: Their eyes are physically touching? ...ow...

As I looked back into her beautiful magenta eyes, I saw she had an intense nervous look on her face that told me she was just as unsure about what was happening between us as I was.

JofY: Well, it appears to be the local production of Hamlet.

Mononeko: (Schwarzenegger voice) To be, or not to be? Not to be.

CaptainPipsqueak: "Now you fucked up!"

Crazy56U: Well, at least it’s better than the sequel.

Gazing back just as tensely looking at the cyan blue Pegasus in front of me, I thought that nothing had ever looked so beautiful in my life.

ToonGuy: “Mind you, I am legally blind.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “And have no taste whatsoever.”

Crazy56U: “Rainbow is the first and only thing that ever willingly agreed to date me,

FYI.”

But I was unsure if she felt the same way about me...

SC276: And of course you can’t ask directly because that’s rude for no reason.

CaptainPipsqueak: Also she’d probably kick the shit out of you.

Crazy56U: Again, you’ve been dating for three weeks!

Rainbow Dash looked away for a few seconds, then looking back at my ever nervous expression, she started to say. “Hey um, are you thirsty?.” she said in a quiet whispered tone looking deep into my eyes. “I uh, I could use a drink.”

JofY: SHOTS!!!

CaptainPipsqueak: “Do I get to drink them off your belly?”

Crazy56U: (pulls out a canister of gas) Got ya covered, Rainbow.

I stated back, moving my eyes away from her to look at the various beverages I had around the kitchen.

SC276: If I hadn’t read some of the fanfics we go through, I’d question why someone has that much booze.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, all he had left in terms of drinks was Mr. Pig.

Dash then all of a sudden put one of her hooves up to the side of my face and pulled my head back to look at her as she softly uttered. “No, not “that” kind of drink. “I asked if you were thirsty.”

JofY: “No, but I am hungry. Where’s that pizza?”

Crazy56U: (instantly worried) Uh-

she said in a playful tone, smirking at me slyly as her head tilted to one side.

Before I could think about what Dash meant, she moved her face closer to mine. Her four hooves along with her cyan wings embracing me ever tighter as the feathers on them slowly cascaded back and forth down my back.

CaptainPipsqueak: There was a wet crack and Rainbow took the wallet from his corpse. With a smirk, she returned to Equestria - the exchange rate for human dollars was amazing.

ToonGuy: Thus ended the first cut scene for the new Grand Theft Auto game.

Mononeko: How I wish that game was real...

SC276: Who is desperate enough to try and slate their thirst with someone else’s saliva?!

JofY: …*starts whistling innocently*

Crazy56U: OH GOD, HERE WE GO!

Which was giving me a tickling sensation that caused me to fall into a trance as we moved closer, me embracing her just as tightly now, and our faces slowly moved in for a kiss.

ToonGuy: SOUND THE KLAXON. We’re going into dangerous waters here!

SC276: I don’t want to do this tonight, I got a headache.

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s your excuse for everything.

Crazy56U: IT BEGINS!

Then, right as our lips were about to touch I heard a loud “DING DONG!” shortly right after that hearing someone say. “PIZZA!”

SC276: Pizza saves the day once again!

Crazy56U: (to the sky) Thank you, pizza.

We quickly stopped what we were doing, breaking the close embrace and moving our heads away from each other. Hearing that loud doorbell that made my heart as well as Rainbow Dash’s explode (twice.)

JofY: Okay, story’s over.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, I’m about done here too.

ToonGuy: The length of the document says otherwise.

SC276: We’re only halfway there?!

Crazy56U: CALLED IT!

With the both of us now turning our attention to the door.

JofY: Oh no! They’ve become zombies!

Crazy56U: They were waiting for it to open so they could get on the floor...

“Well, you’d better get that.” the blue Pegasus said as she jumped off the bar stool to go hide behind the couch in my living room.

ToonGuy: Odd time for a game of peek-a-boo!

Crazy56U: Rainbow hates strangers. Fact.

“Man, you really startled me, you should really say “Pizza” first. Then if no one answers. Ring the bell.

Mononeko: [Pizza Guy]: Bitch don’t tell me what to do!

Crazy56U: [Pizza Guy] “...you know what, fuck it, you don’t get pizza today. (leaves

with the pizza)”

“Yeah,” I'll try and remember that... The pizza guy told me sarcastically.

SC276: The pizza guy is us. The pizza guy is officially the best character in this story.

Crazy56U: Pizza Guy is our own personal Jesus.

CaptainPipsqueak: But only if he brings us the pizza.

After I had paid for the pizza, I saw Rainbow Dash peek out from behind the couch.

JofY: Unfortunately, the Pizza Guy hadn’t actually left yet, and one murder later…

ToonGuy: Rapidly feels like an episode of Fargo.

Crazy56U: Or the movie Fargo. ...if you watched it on LSD...

“Hey It's safe now Dashie, you can come out now!.” I signaled.

ToonGuy: With quotation marks….somehow.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “No! This is comfy, I live here now!”

The mare then jumped over the arm of the couch and walked up to me, flapping her wings to hover up into the counter,

SC276: Headlong into it?!

CaptainPipsqueak: And breaking a leg. At least this Rainbow Dash is just as incompetent as the real one.

Mononeko: I knew it! This WAS all just the narrator’s fucked up fantasy!

Crazy56U: And then some oranges fell over.

sitting next to where I had placed the pizza box and had begun to get out plates to begin serving our slices.

“Hey look um, I'm sorry if I seemed to be moving a little fast back there dude,

ToonGuy: [Dash] “Well it is in my name, but you get what I mean.”

Crazy56U: In fact, it was so fast, I legit think you two were about to fuck!

“I just ugh. she sighs. "Think You're really cool and…All of sudden, I heard a loud rumbling sound coming from Rainbow Dash's stomach.

ToonGuy: “I HUNGER FOR SOULS.”

CaptainPipsqueak: "RAAAAAAGH!!!!!"

SC276: And now Rainbow Dash is speaking in third person.

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow exploded. THE END

Abruptly cutting her off in mid sentence. “I think You're really cool to Dashie,” I told her sincerely. “But actually for right now, “I think we should just focus on the pizza.” She then just smiled at me, saying. “Sounds like a plan to me!”

ToonGuy: Broken record much?

SC276: *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!”

Crazy56U: (punches the story) “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* Damn it, this works for Fonzie!

JofY: ...Why are you two just repeating “-plan to me!” over and over?

Crazy56U: Why do you hate having fun?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah; you some sort of funazi or somethin’?

I guess Dashie had forgotten with everything that had happened of how incredibly hungry she'd become it seemed I thought.

Crazy56U: ...what?

Opening up the pizza box made Rainbow Dash gasp with excitement. “Oh Celestia, look at all the toppings!" she said in awe.

JofY: [Celestia] “I’m blind you ass!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia] “I’m not even there! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “I wanted tacos!”

“That sure does look good!, Let's eat!”

SC276: Ikkitakumas!

Crazy56U: Gesundheit.

“Oh wait a second, I just remembered. “I have one more surprise for us tonight!.”

JofY: “I’m bringing over my boyfriend!”

Crazy56U: Is the surprise that the story is over soon?

Hastily opening up one of the cabinet doors as I took out one of Rainbow Dashes favorite mix drinks rum and coke! “Oh... Now this is bucken perfect.”

JofY: My favorite drink? Man, this sucks.

Crazy56U: BUCK IS NOT A SWEAR GODDAMNIT!

Said the Pegasus with a smooth and relaxed tone in her voice.

SC276: What is with Dash and alcohol in this story, are you freakin’ kidding me?

Crazy56U: We need to hold an Intervention.

“Thought You'd like that.” I said confidently

SC276: ...Oh wait, this is the guy that went to get the drink. I thought Rainbow went to get it so I could say something about how he somehow managed to see into the future that she’d do that.

Crazy56U: This is the kind of confusion that occurs when you abuse quotation marks like this. Please donate money to the People for Ethical Treatment of Quotation Marks to end this travesty once and for all.

starting to get out some glasses while I mixed the rum and coke together in them.

ToonGuy: There goes both of their livers.

Crazy56U: Nah, I doubt Rainbow’s liver has been intact for a while now...

“Bring the bottle over.” She commanded pointing a hoof. “I want to have some fun tonight!”

JofY: “We’re going to play some football in tuxedos!”

ToonGuy: “And if you don't come, you’re just a chicken, cheeeep-cheep cheep!”

SC276: Drinking and then sex. That’s the entire plot, just watch.

Crazy56U: You want fun, go outside. Fun exists there.

Nox: What is this… Outside you speak of?

“Not sure what that means...” I thought. "Well, Maybe I do?" and what if that doorbell hadn't gone off earlier, would we have..."kissed?"

ToonGuy: “Nuh uh! Because of the cootie plague!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; she’d have jammed her ovipositor down his throat and laid her eggs in his stomach.

Crazy56U: Worse. You would’ve French kissed… (shudder)

“No, come on now!” I can’t jump to any conclusions, It’d just make dinner more awkward for the both of us, which was last thing I want to do. At least I knew now that Dash must've had feelings for me as I did for her, does she want to be my

mare -friend?

SC276: Weird place for a sudden paragraph break, author. What, did you hit the text limit on the previous line?

Crazy56U: No, that was his pitiful attempt at building tension...

“I had to stop my mind from racing and ruin the evening I had planned for us, think of the pizza, think of the pizza.

JofY: Think of the innocent pizza!

ToonGuy: OH THE HUMANITY!

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Pizzaity’. Racist.

ToonGuy: Hey! Many of my best friends are pizzas….I should really get out more.

Mononeko: “Hello, I’m Mononeko. Did you know thousands of pizza slices are eaten all over the world each month?”

Crazy56U: (is eating a slice of pizza) Yeah, the fuck dude?

I repeated to myself silently as we headed over to the dinner table.

Mononeko: While rocking my head back and forth like a madman.

SC276: “Must… resist… urge… to… make out… with… animal…!”

Crazy56U: “Focus on food, not on horse!”

Reaching the table and putting my mind to rest at last, I placed the bottle of rum with the two glasses mixed with the run and coke

SC276: Run and coke a bitch.

Crazy56U: Well, doing cocaine does tend to make one faster...

down as Rainbow Dash took her seat at the end of the six chaired table, while I sat down at the opposite end.

ToonGuy: Waste of perfectly good chairs.

SC276: The guy seems to live alone. Why would he have six chairs, in case one spontaneously combusts?

Crazy56U: He’s just dying for the day he can host a game of Musical Chairs...

Rainbow Dash Immediately dug into her piece of pizza, stretching a long string of cheese from the plate to her mouth. The site made me quietly chuckle to myself saying, “It's that good huh?”

JofY: “This riffing site is hilarious.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “That Captain Pipsqueak guy is the best!”

ToonGuy: “ToonGuy is so HANDSOME!”

SC276: “This SC guy, though, his humor stretches kind of thin and he uses too many obscure references.”

Crazy56U: “And that Crazy guy... God, I loathe him!”

"Mmm, You bet!.” Rainbow Dash exclaimed nodding her head as she continued to eat the delicious pizza, stopping only for a few seconds to take a quick sip of the mixed drink on the side of her plate, before continuing to gorge. Taking a bite myself I had to agree with her, this was the most delicious mixture of toppings on a pizza I had ever tasted!

JofY: It had just the right amount of dead baby.

CaptainPipsqueak: Along with crunchy cockroach and rat crap. He did ask for everything, after all.

SC276: I forgot, do we have any indication of toppings besides meat lover’s?

Crazy56U: No. The pizza is basically 90% meat, 10% pizza.

the run and coke went pretty good with it also.

Waterpear: I lost so much weight since I started drinking rum and coke.

CaptainPipsqueak: It gives the added benefit of not having to drink diet soda. That stuff is vile.

Crazy56U: This is a shitty pizza party.

After we each had a few more bites, the both of us finished off our first plates as Rainbow Dash asked me. “Hey, you want another piece?.” Nah I’m good, that was a pretty big slice; I’m stuffed!”

JofY: How about a mint?

SC276: No, that’s what the teddy bear says.

Crazy56U: You’re giving up after one slice, dude? (scoff) I’m surprised Rainbow still wants to date you. Rainbow’s eaten bigger pizzas than that.

Dash then immediately got up off her chair, going to get a second piece. Galloping with hast into the kitchen

ToonGuy: But not haste, for that would be too fast even for her.

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Hast’. Slightly faster than fast, slightly slower than haste.

SC276: They’re not eating in the same room as the pizza? Author, have you ever had pizza before?

Crazy56U: She then proceeded to slam her head into the counter again, causing more

oranges to fall.

and flying up to hover over the pizza box. Biting a piece by the crust with her teeth, she flew back to sit in her chair, continuing to eat while occasionally looking in my direction taking a sip of the mixed drink.

ToonGuy: For god’s sake, Dash, SWALLOW ONCE IN A WHILE! And yeah, I know.

Crazy56U: I hope ??? knows how to do the Heimlich maneuver...

Thinking to myself, I wondered just how a four foot tall Pegasi could have a bigger appetite than me?

Crazy56U: Fuck it, I’m reusing it:

(Must be from all that flying) I concluded.

ToonGuy: Well that was informative.

JofY: And now I know!

CaptainPipsqueak: “And knowing is half the battle!”

SC276: G-I-JOOOOOOOOOE!!

Crazy56U: Well… you’re not wrong...

The ambient light that was showing from a few candles I had lit in the middle of the table reflected off of her beautiful rainbow mane as she took an even longer sip from the straw in the mixed drink. “I returned in kind with taking an equally long sip from my glass as Rainbow Dash asked me in a soft and alluring tone.

ToonGuy: [Dash] “Pass the anchovies?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “You need a napkin, dude? You got pizza all over your

face…”

“So, I was wondering...”

“Have You ever wanted to know what it was like to fly like a Pegasus?”

JofY: No.

ToonGuy: Not really.

CaptainPipsqueak: Can’t say the thought ever struck me.

SC276: Pretty sure if I did, I’d risk dropping my laptop.

Crazy56U: No, but I have wondered what it would be like to be a dog, so...

Yeah actually, I always wondered what it was like to fly. “With wings” I mean.

Crazy56U: Bullshit, you want a jetpack and you know it.

A slight smile showed on her face at my nervousness to her question. “Well, It's kind of like driving really fast on a motorcycle only...Through the sky, and the feeling of your wings in the fast wind is amazing!”

ToonGuy: …...Really!? You….You didn’t want to edit this not one little bit?

Mononeko: Do you honestly expect ‘yes’ as an answer?

SC276: How do either of them know what driving a motorcycle is like?

Crazy56U: All I choose to take away from this is that I need to play “Super

Scribblenauts” again sometime...

Riding on jet streams and flying fast through clouds. "When I'm up there, It's like a whole other world.”

JofY: Oh, hai Alladin.

Dash said with wonder in her eyes, looking at me intently.

Mononeko: I’m sure looking at him has a purpose in some way.

Crazy56U: ...did Rainbow get a contact high?

“That sounds so amazing Dashie, you're making me want to have wings even more!” I told Her. “If you had wings, I think you'd be a natural born Wonderbolt!”

ToonGuy: As opposed to those poser born Wonderbolts.

Crazy56U: Or the modern day Icarus, crashing into the ground like a rock...

Rainbow Dash exclaimed, taking another sip of her drink. “Aw, thanks Dash. “But I’d never be as fast as you though.” I told the Rainbow mare as she thought for a minute, then saying in a bolstering tone. “Yeah, you’re probably right...”

“Classic Rainbow Dash”

JofY: Opposed to the Neo Rainbow Dash.

SC276: Neo Rainbow City.

Crazy56U: Oh God, she turned into G3 Rainbow Dash...

I thought, adding. “Well, now that I think about it, “ I could probably be able to pull off “four” sonic rainbooms in a row if I had wings!” I confidently told her.

Mononeko: I’m wondering, in which cartoon universe would he end up if he actually managed to do that?

SC276: Hopefully one where he dies instantly.

Crazy56U: No, you’d fly into some power lines and die instantly. Idiot.

“Yeah, that would probity happen on the same day I grew hands!” Dash said as we both then started laughing contagiously, almost falling out of our chairs as the rum and coke we’d been drinking seemed to make everything insanely funny.

ToonGuy: Well, I hope it was worth it. Alcohol poisoning is a bitch.

Crazy56U: (shakes head) If only Rainbow knew about Equestria Girls...

Coming to our senses at long last, Rainbow Dash began looking at me Intently, saying. “There are lots of ways of flying without wings ya know.” The mare told me as her eyes were becoming slightly glazed over from the alcohol. “Like taking Drugs?”

JofY: Yes.

ToonGuy: This is your writing ability on drugs.

SC276: (smashes stuff with a frying pan) And this is your school life…!

JofY: Sure, just break my things… Why is it only my shit that gets broken anyway?

ToonGuy: Because why not.

Crazy56U: (kicks table over) Because we like you.

CaptainPipsqueak: Also, our stuff’s too valuable to break. Seriously, dude; buy some better gear.

JofY: *unintelligible grumbling*

Nox: I’ll ship you some of my furniture for them to break in exchange for Magic the

Gathering cards.

JofY: Nah. I just need to hurt them back.

Crazy56U: ...rude, much?

JofY: YOU BREAK MY SHIT!

Nox: So, no magic cards then?

Crazy56U: Really rude!

I asked her, Immediately thinking of how stupid that sounded, looking away as I blushed from embarrassment. “No, guess again. “Dash said in a soft tone. “ Um, flying in a jet fighter?"

“Nope, try again stud."

JofY: Then I guess my stud finder is broken.

CaptainPipsqueak: What was that?

Crazy56U: Just be glad he didn’t reference Family Guy, I think they did a stud finder

joke once...

Rainbow Dash said, starting to run one of her hooves around the edges of the now almost empty glass, looking at me with a small grin as swat was starting to gather along the edges of my four head.

ToonGuy: First of all, FOUR HEADS?! Are you a Hydra? Secondly, SWAT’s a necessity for anything that has four heads!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, then, everything’s going just as it should be.

SC276: Why, because he’s going to get swatted?

Crazy56U: Well, yes, but not right now...

Now knowing if I didn't get the next guess right she would be probably get fed up.

Crazy56U: As she should have by now...

Of the two answers I had bouncing around my head, I knew one of them would probably just get me bucked upside the head,

Crazy56U: I fucking hate you.

and the other one would be correct.

ToonGuy: Or both of them are wrong….it’s an option.

Crazy56U: Ironically, they were both the same question...

I quickly went with my gut, unsure of my answer as I looked into Dash's eyes and said…

Mononeko: “I’d like to use a lifeline”

Crazy56U: [???] “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

Nox: This might take him awhile.

End of Chapter 2.

JofY: ...That’s an odd thing to say.

CaptainPipsqeak: Especially out loud. Think he’s drunk?

Crazy56U: Ah, the cliffhanger. The cheapest way to make tension ever...

Chapter Three: To Dance With A Rainbow

SC276: In the pale moonlight?

Crazy56U: “Dancing With The Stars” sure is getting desperate...

“Um, dancing? I asked, continuing to look at her nervously. “Correct!”

JofY: ...That’s bullshit!

ToonGuy: She spent all night coming up with those questions.

Crazy56U: Yay, he wins the prize! More story!

Nox: I think more questions would have been a better prize.

Crazy56U: Well, this isn’t a good game show, so...

Dash said with an enthusiastic look on Her face. “I uh, I never really danced before Dash.” I told her as I looked at the ever grinning Pegasus. “You never danced before, seriously!” Added Rainbow Dash.

SC276: And you have?

Crazy56U: Yes, Rainbow, he can’t dance. He can’t talk. Only thing about him is the way that he walks.

“Well ya know, I've never really danced with (anyone) persay.

SC276: I don’t think you understand how emphasis works.

JofY: Persay.

Crazy56U: Teach us about emphasis, Josh.

“But. if a song's really good, I've been known to get down pretty hard!

JofY: Aka, faint, foaming at the mouth.

ToonGuy: Oh we know how you ‘go down’ Dashie.

JofY: Yeah, I just said, faint, foaming at the mouth.

Crazy56U: In fact, here’s a song that ??? probably likes!

um, by myself that is… “By yourself huh? is that a code word for something?” Rainbow Dash asked with a smirk, turning her head slightly to the side.

JofY: Yes, correct. Dancing does indeed mean masturbation.

Crazy56U: Yep, it’s code for “doing meth”.

“What? no!” I said hastily.

JofY: “I’m a pure snowflake!”

Crazy56U: [???] “I don’t even own a DDR game!”

“I'm sure you've been dancing a lot of times before,” I asked her quickly.

JofY: “...By dancing, you mean sex, right?”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Mmmmmmmaybe…?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “No.”

“Well, maybe sometimes when I go to clubs with the Wonderbolts after the stunt shows. Those party's can get pretty crazy!”

JofY: And by that- Okay, this joke is starting to get stupid.

Crazy56U: Yeah, the club can’t even handle ‘em, they get so nuts...

But I have to confess, I never really dance with anypony when I go with them,” I usually just own the whole dance floor by myself with the moves I can pull off!.”

JofY: “Nobody else can dance while I’m on stage!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Literally. I used to think Twilight was a terrible dancer.

SC276: How can you be awesome at solo dancing and not think you have the rhythm for dancing with a partner?

Crazy56U: So, in other words, you don’t know how to dance?

Rainbow Dash said with the utmost confidence. “Really?, I'd love to see some of those moves.”

JofY: Oh, it’s up, up, up, up, up, up, up………

Mononeko: down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start?

SC276: ~Now I’ll play you all night~

Crazy56U: No, Rainbow, you gotta say it like this: SHOW ME YA MOVES!

I uttered with every ounce of confidence I could muster up. “It Was probably the alcohol talking at that moment I thought; but that wasn't really a big deal seeing as how I was probably about to dance with Rainbow Dash!

JofY: There is no greater dancer!

SC276: Has evidence been shown that Rainbow can dance?

Nox: TAKE THAT! I think this shows that Rainbow can indeed dance.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, just shut up and dance, already!

Looking down at my empty glass for a moment and then looking over to see the Pegasus take one more swig from the bottle of rum sitting on the table,

Mononeko: “Man, I need to sober up.”

Rainbow Dash said. “Man this stuff is great!.” As I took a drink from the bottle itself just after her I added. “Only the best for you Dashie!”

SC276: They have glasses, author! Are you telling me they’re that lightweight?

“Shut up...” Rainbow Dash said playfully as she started galloping over, putting her hoof in my hand and dragging me out of my chair, walking over into the living room beside her, clearly very excited as you could imagine.

JofY: Too bad I don’t have an imagination.

ToonGuy: I had one once. I had to put it down.

“So Dash, what shall we dance to?” I asked her. “I don't know, something with a hard beat!” said the excited Pegasi. “I like to feel the music moving through my body while I dance.”

SC276: Will it leave holes?

“Oh really?” I said sarcastically, not being surprised at Dash's answer in the least. “I think I have just the song, I told her as I walked over to my entertainment center, turning on a wireless speaker then syncing it up with my music player, quickly through the various playlists I had on my device.

SC276: Can’t even commit to a specific one?

As I continued to scroll through them, I came across one that said “Equestrian Rave” I had created that was full of DJ Pon 3's remixes and dance tracks.

JofY: Because she came to Earth to learn more about Equestria.

SC276: How’d he even get that? There’s no evidence that the ponies brought anything from Equestria.

Nox: OBJECTION! The evidence clearly contradicts your testimony.

Not knowing what song to play in the long list of tracks, I decided to put it on shuffle hoping that there would be a track hard hitting enough for the rainbow mare to dance to.

JofY: Que slow romantic songs.

SC276: I see you’re going with my usual Yugioh strategy of “leave everything to chance.”

One of the things we’d love to do when she visited was sharing the music from our two worlds with one another, Vinyl Scratch herself had modded my iPod so that their technology could work with it and ours with theirs.

JofY: Unfortunately, it went against the Terms of Service and he was sent into slavery soon after that. If only he read before accepting...

SC276: That should literally only be so difficult as converting file types, right?

That DJ sure was an innovator in her craft, I’d love to see one of her shows some time, If only I could...

SC276: What would happen if Rainbow Dash held one end of a really long cable while world-hopping? Would one end go through that he could plug into his TV and get a live camera feed, or would the entire cable go with her? Why is the story having some sappy romance thing I’m already bored of instead of answering the hard questions?!

I had given Rainbow Dash my old fourth gen iPod when I got the newer model, and It quicky became something she couldn't live without.

JofY: Rainbow, we’re here to talk about your addiction to music.

ToonGuy: This is an intervention. We’ve banned all Metallica songs from here.

Fallen Prime: Overruled. Gimme fuel, gimme fire, etc.

Always playing tracks from Sia or some Nightcore beats while she practiced for upcoming Wonderbolts shows, which sounded a lot like equestrian music due to the pitch raised vocals.

Waterpear: Equestria: the one place that actually likes Alvin and the Chipmunks.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hell, they probably vacation there.

Dash and me pretty much had the same taste when it came to music so she'd always love to discover what I was listening to as I did the amazing music from her world.

SC276: Oh just fuck already.

"The song now starting to play and slowly building up the beat.

JofY: Unfortunately it was supposed to be a slow song and the player was broken.

I saw Rainbow Dash getting into position in the middle of my living room, seeing that we had more than enough space around us to dance. As the beat continued picking up, I saw her back start to move in sync with the music, along with her head and shoulders, as her amazing rainbow mane and tail moved to the ever increasing bass of the electric EDM track.

Waterpear: “the electric electronic dance music.”

It was at this point that I decided to join in, walking up nervously toward Rainbow Dash from behind, with the music starting to vibrate through me as well as the whole house.

ToonGuy: Seconds later, the house exploded. Turns out that’s not really a good thing.

JofY: This is why you shouldn’t buy your house on a fault line.

Dash was up on two hooves now,

Mononeko: Clearly struggling to stand upright and risking getting back injuries.

SC276: What pony dance moves would require standing like that?

moving her front hooves and head from side to side and whipping her prismatic hair back and forth

SC276: She whips- nah, too easy.

as the music played and the EDM track climbed up faster and faster. As I was approaching her, Rainbow Dash immediately turned around,

JofY: Hitting him.

Mononeko: Breaking his skull, causing him to bleed to death? *crosses fingers*

her eyes half closed, clearly enjoying the sound of the music as it vibrated through her whole body.

ToonGuy: I’ll have what’s she having.

“I started to move my hands and shoulders, attempting to keep up her, but Dash clearly knew what she was doing, moving in an ever faster rhythm to the music.

JofY: Everything was out of sync.

SC276: The faster they dance, the more bored I get.

The cyan Pegasus then put her front hooves around the sides of my waist, as I returned with putting my hands on her soft cyan back, making her two wings twitch from my touch beside them. Dash now began to grind up and down furiously against me,

ToonGuy: Well that’s forward. Usually you’d have to pay for someone to do that to you.

SC276: Are we sure she knows how to dance?

feeling the soft coat on her back moving back and forth across my hands as we danced in rhythm to the song, our body's in perfect sync with one another with the dance track continuing to get even more intense by the second.

SC276: I don’t think this author knows how music intensity works.

Rainbow Dash now began to flap her wings and hover off the ground so that she could be the same height as me,

SC276: Have fun dancing when your feet aren’t even on the freakin’ floor!

as I begun to look deep into her dark magenta eyes, as she looked back ever intensely into mine.

SC276: Which were of indeterminate color, apparently.

I noticed looking at Dash that her mane and coat were starting to get slightly matted from all the sweat that was building up from dancing as long we had been, which was sexy as anything to me.

ToonGuy: “Sweat just kinda turns me on…..don’t ask.”

JofY: I’ve seen weirder.

I then whispering in her ear said, “You have some awesome moves Dashie.” Still looking into my eyes she returned with. “Thanks stud, so do you!.”

SC276: Gag me.

With the extended song we’d been dancing to slowly winding down, another truck came on right after it,

JofY: Wait, wha? *truck crashes in*

Nox: There isn’t anything left to break now.

JofY: At least I don’t own the room.

SC276: When suddenly, semi-rig!

this time being a slower electric chill out song that started to play Think, by Kaleida. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkhSZyYmpO4

SC276: Yeah sure, you put a link to this song, and not the other one.

Crazy56U: Heh, nice hyperlinking bud.

Still holding the Pegasus close to me, we started to dance slower.

JofY: Completely out of beat.

ToonGuy: And much like the beat, they couldn’t stop it.

SC276: The beat goes on.

Crazy56U: And on. And on. And on. And fuck that mini-game.

Seeing that her wings had gotten too tired to flap anymore and her breathing had got heavy and steady, she slowly rested down in my arms with her wings coming to a standstill altogether against my back, consoling me gently.

ToonGuy: He won’t be the only one needing consoling after this.

SC276: Wait, I thought they were facing each other. What dance requires one to be behind the other?

JofY: Oh come on, you don’t need to be so analytical.

Crazy56U: (chokes back vomit)

End of chapter 3.

Chapter Four: The World Famous Wing Masseuse

Waterpear: Yep, this chapter is a totally innocent “massage” with no erotic subtext whatsoever.

ToonGuy: Obviously! Why would we mention it otherwise?

JofY: We can’t truly express how little sexual imagery there isn’t in this chapter.

SC276: How can he be world-famous for wing massages, given the world doesn’t know about IRL ponies as evidenced by Rainbow hiding from us- I mean the pizza guy?

Crazy56U: So, in other words… skip this chapter? ...‘k!.

I Held Dashie in my arms, with her head resting just below my neck and on my chest, as she looked up at me and smiled with a look of content in her violet eyes, slowly wrapping her cyan wings around my back.

JofY: We get it! They’re looking at each other, and Dash can’t leave her wings in her pants!

ToonGuy: That sounds super painful.

Pulling herself closer to me, she asked in a quiet tone. “So, how was your first dance?. “You were amazing Dashie!” I told her as she then returned with. “You weren't to bad yourself”

ToonGuy: Why don’t you have her smoke a goddamn cigarette while you’re at it?!

Dash said, resting her head back down onto chest, her beautiful rainbow mane cascading over my hands as I held her closely in my arms.

ToonGuy: *pulls out SWAT gear and puts it on* I. AM. READY. Bring it on.

JofY: What have I said about interfering with the fic?

ToonGuy: BUT…..*throws gear off and starts sulking* Fine.

Nox: You’re in my way, sir.

SC276: This is sounding like some of my own affection RPing, except I give a shit about the characters in those.

The warmth from her cyan coat seemed to warm up my entire body as my left hand held her between her wings, slowly petting them and causing Rainbow Dash to quietly uttered under her breath. “That feels so, ugh, so good.” Slowly, I started to walk over to the couch in the living room, sitting down with the tired Pegasus laying up closely against me. I felt that her wings were quivering slightly beside my hands, causing me to say. “Hey um, Dashie.

JofY: “Are you wearing a vibe right now?”

Those wings must be sore from dancing for that time, did You want me to help take the pain away.?

ToonGuy: And now we’re going into Old Yeller territory. The answer to that question is yes.

“How would you do that?” she added, curiosity looking up at me.

ToonGuy: With a shotgun, I assume.

SC276: Or, barring that, an explosive.

“Why, by giving you one of my world famous wing massages of course!” I exclaimed.

Mononeko: “Because clearly I have experience in giving erotic massages to horses!”

SC276: [Snoopy] “Here is the world-famous wing masseuse on his way to see his next patient.”

Dash then softly chuckled “I’d love You to, that (yawns) sounds awesome.” she whispered, clearly very tired from dancing.

ToonGuy: Or she’s not that into you.

“Dash’s wings then slowly folded back up from the embrace they had around by back as she winced in pain slightly from their action. “Poor Dash, so sore from dancing as long as we did” I thought to myself

SC276: Giving she was on her hind legs the entire time, I thought those would be the most worn-out parts of her body.

JofY: No, no, no. Don’t you know? The part of the body that feels sore never has correlation with what actually is used!

then telling her. “I'll take your pain away, you just relax, OK?”

ToonGuy: No person in history has ever said those words and not been a creep.

Mononeko: Or a serial killer.

Nox: Or a creepy serial killer.

JofY: Or someone who doesn’t know how normal people talk.

She then slowly crawled off of my chest where she'd been resting and laid down on her back, facing away from me on the couch and laying her head on one of the throw pillows down the end, the slow song continuing to play quietly in the background.

ToonGuy: Ye GODS, JUST SCREW EACH OTHER ALREADY.

SC276: Why did he take any chance of getting slow songs if he was initially aiming for high-energy ones? And why are they letting the music continue after they're done dancing?

Her fluffy rainbow colored tail moved back and forth, tickling my leg while her two back hooves gradually stretched out, touching the sides of me as she got more comfortable.

JofY: Is this going to turn into tickle porn of all things?

SC276: Anything to make this shit more interesting. Hell, I think I want freakin’ Slenderman back.

I began to lift both my hands up now, positioning them over her back and slowly resting them down on either side of her wings.

JofY: “KAMI…”

The Pegasus's cyan fur seemed to glow with luminescence from the moonlight that was cascading in from the window,

ToonGuy: AAAAH! SHE’S A STEPHANIE MEYER CHARACTER!!! KILL IT!!!

SC276: The afterglow comes after the sex, author! And I’m not actually sure it’s a real thing regardless!

JofY: She’s nuclear! That can’t be good!

making her appear all the more beautiful as I started moving my hands up her sour wings, rubbing in little circles up to the center of the secondary feathers then stretching my arms slowly up her back massaging them ever so gently as to not hurt the Pegasus.

ToonGuy: You’re hurting us! But I suppose you don’t care about that!

Continuing to the primary feathers on her folded up wings, I moving back-and-forth over Dash’s back, feeling the soft fur of her coat rubbing against my forearm yet again, until I felt her wings gradually begin to relax from my motions and unfold even more from there half closed state.

ToonGuy: You know, this has to be the most prolonged wing boner I’ve seen.

SC276: Are we having fun yet.

I now began to move my hands up either sides of Rainbow Dashes now;

JofY: Ack! *gets flooded by Rainbow Dashes*

Mononeko: Oh my god, they’re everywhere!

fully erect wings,

JofY: Show me on the doll where the wing touched you.

applying a gentle amount of pressure as I felt around the edges of each one of her outer feathers moving on to the primaries just after,

JofY: Oh, god. Do I need to know anything about anonymity to read this?

rubbing them in between my fingers as she grasped from my actions.

JofY: Ah, premature ejactulation.

SC276: Do we have to sit through every detail of this. When you can’t even describe what your main character looks like.

Really getting to see them extended to their full span was an incredible sight to behold, and the moonlight shining through the window just made them look well... “20% cooler.”

Waterpear: Than what, a volcano?

ToonGuy: Than Firecrotch McGee over here with his deadly masseuse hands.

Continuing to work out the tension from her aching wings, I heard a soft moan coming from the mare who was still laying face down on the couch.

JofY: Dat memory foam.

Now digging her forehooves into the arm of sofa as her body quivered from the sensations I was giving her,

ToonGuy: Okay, this is just getting boring…..

SC276: Gee, ya think.

continuing to massage around her entire left and right wings simultaneously with my hands grasping each of them slightly and slowly working my way down the various feathers to the two bottom joints then moving my hands deeply into the base of where they met her back, the place I could tell she was most tense being a trained wing masseuse and all like I was. (OK that was a lie... but I was clearly doing something right)

ToonGuy Unfortunately for you, because you weren’t trained, you missed the signs that you weren’t massaging her wings, you were actually snapping her spine.

JofY: Yes, if you were a proper masseuse, you’d know that the spine is located in the wing.

ToonGuy: His grasp of Pony Biology is as good as mine.

“Slowly, I pressed my two hands under the base of her wings feeling her soft coat yet again as I worked them in gentle circular motions, now applying some more pressure as Rainbow Dash whispered in a soft voice. “Yeah that's the spot right ugh, there.”

ToonGuy: God, if this is how she is when being massaged, I’d hate to see her when... ACTUAL SEX IS HAPPENING. Which at this rate should be in about March of next year.

Groaning slightly from the feeling of her pain slowly being massaged away, as I continued to work on her wings for a few more moments, gradually coming to a stop.

JofY: As her life, came to an end.

SC276: Can we go home yet?

I looked at Rainbow Dash's face to see just how relaxed she had become from the massage, beginning to smile with content at the amazingly blissful look on her face, pain free at last and on cloud nine,

JofY: I honestly have to wonder what’s wrong with the 8th cloud?

no pun intended ; )

Waterpear: You’re only allowed to use that smiley in narration if you’re Aaron from Undertale.

SC276: And given you’re not using all the time, you most certainly are not.

I then gazed up at the clock on the wall to find out it was almost two AM in the morning, we had so much fun that night I didn't want it end!

JofY: Don’t you dare be another one to try and break time!

SC276: I don’t know what time you started, but I highly doubt eating dinner, dancing to like three songs max - unless all three were that one song that had to be split into like twelve parts for Rock Band - and giving a massage would last you until two in the morning. From dinner time.

sometimes I wish I could just freeze time to make moments like these last just a little bit longer, if only for a minute or two.

SC276: Oh god no, you’ll bore us to death.

I thought, still gazing at the beautiful Pegasus lying on the couch smiling with content in her state of absolute bliss.

End of chapter 4.

Crazy56U: Goody.

Chapter Five: The Confession

ToonGuy: Is it an apology? Because that’s the only thing that can marginally make me feel better right now.

Mononeko: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...”

Crazy56U: “Forgive me Fa-” DAMN IT, you stole my joke...

Nox: ” I keep telling you, this is an outhouse! The confessional is that way.”

SC276: ~I guess I gotta give you part five of my confessions...~

Rainbow Dash then slowly turned around and sat up next to me, placing one of her hooves in my hand and resting her head against my shoulder.

JofY: Is there a bomb attached to the two, and if they’re ever not touching then they explode?

Crazy56U: What a journey.

Whispering to me in a soft tone she said “Hey, thanks for an awesome time tonight. You really are a world famous wing masseuse.”

ToonGuy: Can’t be world famous if no one knows who the hell you are.

JofY: What even is your name?

Crazy56U: I’ve pretty much established that it’s ???. Like that one character in The

Binding of Isaac...

Nox: I just realized that I could be playing that right now. Why the HELL am I not playing that right now!?

SC276: Because you’re playing Undertale?

Nox: No… that was last week. This week, I’m playing The Consuming Shadow: Insanity Edition.

she added with a light smile. I said nothing as I begun to stroke her beautiful rainbow mane, feeling its softness and watching the colors flow across my hand as she nuzzled her head into me.

ToonGuy: Why don’t you just SNIFF the damn hair and get it over with?

Crazy56U: Now, now, that would be crossing a line...

With everything that had happened that night, I felt compelled as ever to tell her just how much I loved her.

JofY: Not at all.

Crazy56U: Trust me, you don’t want to do that.

Over the past few months I could feel that we were growing closer,

JofY: Well of course, living things do grow after periods of time.

Crazy56U: And sometimes they die.

they always did say that the best relationships start out as friendships,

SC276: I’ve heard… literally the exact opposite.

and here I was with the most amazing Pegasus a guy could ask for.

ToonGuy: Really? You sure about that?

SC276: I thought Derpy was best pegasus?

The nicest, most loyal friend I'd ever met.

JofY: Fluttershy?

Crazy56U: Gummy?

Mononeko: Angel?

It was killing me not saying anything over past few weeks.

JofY: It literally gave him cancer.

Crazy56U: He has cancer of the dialogue. Heard that did a number on Attack of the

Clones...

But now, I'd hit my breaking point, I needed to tell her my feelings, if I didn't say anything right now I would never forgive myself!

SC276: This is like the visual novel school of writing or something. Which reminds me of something I’d rather be doing with Scarlet right now...

I needed to tell this beautiful mare how I felt about her! how much I loved, and wanted to be with her!

ToonGuy: You really don’t.

Now gathering up as much courage as I could, getting ready to say something, she all of a sudden tilted her head up slightly to look at me. “So I was thinking, we've been seeing each other for a while now and...she stopped her next words suddenly.

SC276: Oh joy, they were both going to confess at the exact same time, isn’t that fucking something, they’re perfect for each other.

“What is it? I asked, continuing to caressed her rainbow mane. “Nothing,” Dash said with a sigh as I was getting mesmerized by her violet eyes. “Come on, tell me. You can tell me anything you know,” I returned with a caring tone in my voice petting her gently on the head.

ToonGuy: [Dash] “Patronize me again like that and you’ll be spitting glass for a week!”

SC276: Also, the guy was just going over in his head that he needed to confess his love right the fuck now, and yet he’s letter her talk.

Rainbow Dash then uttered nervously.

“I was just um…”

JofY: Hey, guys… The fic is starting to become misaligned.

Crazy56U: (straps self into seat) Yeah, how about that…

SC276: Wait, those are in the source?!

“ Was going to say…”

JofY: *trips* Guys! A little help here?

Crazy56U: (passes over an umbrella) Here, it works in the

cartoons.

SC276: *clings to Crazy’s seat*

“I LOVE YOU!”

JofY: *slips* AH

Mononeko: Hey, are you down here too?

ToonGuy: What, but you were so subtle about it. Also, what’s it like down there?

Mononeko: Dark, creepy and completely devoid of any happiness.

CaptainPipsqueak: So, not worth the trip, then?

Mononeko: Nah, just stay up here and you’ll be fine.

Crazy56U: ...well, that was fun!

SC276: And the plot went pretty much exactly as expected, sparing the main character any requirement of effort and completely ruining the character of Rainbow Dash. Is next week Catch again? Can we just go to that so I can freakin’ feel something?

Rainbow Dash all of a sudden exclaimed loudly with great relief in her voice, finally able to get out her feelings out at long last. I just grinned at her words, knowing now that she did care about me as much as I did for her. Not saying another word and still looking into her eyes, I told her with sincerity.

ToonGuy: “Let’s go defile nature.”

Crazy56U: Yeah! Fuck you Captain Planet!

SC276: “By your powers combined, I am blowing this popsicle stand!”

“I love you too Dashie, I always have from the moment I met you, you're the most amazing, caring, and best friend I could ask for!

JofY: “And then I met anybody else.”

and I've been holding in these feelings for too long, I should've told you how I felt weeks ago and…” Rainbow Dash placed her hoof on my mouth,

ToonGuy: I hope she washed it.

stopping my next sentence. “It's OK” she uttered with a soft tone in her voice, then right after getting up from where she had been sitting and climbed on top of me, straddling herself around my waist and placing her forehooves on either side of my neck, while her back hooves wrapped themselves tightly around my sides.

ToonGuy: I’d say we’re skipping a few steps, but we just had massage sex practically, so… yeah.

Mononeko: Oh Jesus, here it comes...

SC276: Watch, this is going to be as dull at the rest of the fic.

She then caressed my cheeks in a caring motion with the back end of her left hoof as she began to move her face ever closer to mine.

JofY: Wow. That is incredibly not sexy.

I didn't hesitate for a second, meeting the Pegasus halfway, gently kissing the mare I cared about so much at long last.

ToonGuy: …..Must be awkward doing that. Biology be DAMNED!

Rainbow Dash applied more pressure to my lips and I returned with equally as much,

JofY: Causing the two to actually fuse.

SC276: Like in that first Pikachu short with the Raichu, except less electric mice.

feeling her hot breath against my skin as she pushed me back into the couch, the moonlight still shining through the window outside making her cyan coat glow luminescent yet again as we continued to kiss passionately for a few more moments.

ToonGuy: For god’s sake, how much hair oil is in her fur right now!?

JofY: All of the oil.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a match) One way to find out...

We finally released our lips from what felt like an eternity, the both of us still breathing heavily from what just happened. “You're an amazing kisser, that was so awesome!” Rainbow Dash said catching her breath as she placed her hooves on my head gently stroking my hair as I begun to stroke her rainbow mane, looking deep into her magenta eyes. “You were pretty awesome too.”

JofY: “I know.”

SC276: You just kissed, you haven’t gotten to the actual sex yet.

Crazy56U: I could be spending my time doing better things. Like watching this again.

I told her out of breathy with sincerity in my voice continuing to run my hands down her soft mane, watching the colors move past my arm. Rainbow Dash looked up at me for a moment and then started to say.

ToonGuy: [Dash] “Any pizza left?”

SC276: [Dash] “This unit will self-destruct in 3… 2...”

“Hey, I need to tell you something, but I. I don’t know if I should…” The Rainbow mare told me with a concerned look at her face.

JofY: [Dash] “I’m pregnant.”...Oh, GOD I’M JOKING! I’M JOKING!

Crazy56U: (smacks JofY in the face) Don’t tempt fate.

“What is it?.” I asked, kind of thinking that it had something to do with what happened back in the kitchen earlier, and how Dash acting strange like she was possibly hiding something, but what?

ToonGuy: The fact that she’s into you? Maybe? Perhaps? Not adding actual plot, are we?

SC276: I’m already losing track of the fic. Didn’t they already confess their love for each other?

“Okay, but please don’t be mad, Rainbow Dash said worryingly. “I’d never get mad at you Dashie, remember, you can tell me anything. “I love you so much and there is nothing we can’t talk about.” I told her reassuringly as she began to relax, if even a small bit, knowing that my words were the truth, giving me a quick kiss on the lips before saying. “I know dude.”

ToonGuy: “DUDE! Righteous!”

SC276: Get on with it!

“OK. Do you remember a few weeks ago when I told You that um, humans couldn't crossover into our world.” She said turning away from me. “Well, It, (sighs) It was a lie...”

ToonGuy: [???] “You know what else was a lie? Me not getting MAD!!!”

JofY: “There’s even a ‘Human in Equestria’ tag.”

SC276: [Dash] “I’m surprised I had to tell you. The fact that there’s no actual reason given for why this stuff would only work one-way was an obvious giveaway.”

JofY: To be fair, there could be any number of B.S. reasons either way.

A few tears started falling from her eyes at those words as she continued. “Twilight had told me to say that after Princess Celestia agreed with the royal counsel that no human would ever be allowed to cross into our dimension because of the fears that war, violence, and disease, may destroy our world Equestria, as we know it.

SC276: [Dash] “Basically, we don’t trust your shit.”

ToonGuy: Yeah! It’s not like anything bad could come from their universe, right? All they have a superpowered evil sides of them, chaos gods, an entire race that feeds off love that can turn into anyone they want, a evil so dark it was sealed in a pit and guarded by Cerberus, time travel that could alter the course of history and did we mention the paraspites!?

JofY: To be fair, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t protect themselves.

They all agreed that If humans knew about our world and knew they could travel to it, It would put all our lives in danger.”

SC276: To be fair, the military would be researching the hell out of the combat uses of magic really quickly. It’d be the Cold War all over again.

She explained to me as more and more tears fell from her eyes, continuing to tell me everything of this revealed truth.

SC276: Why is she crying? Because she feels bad about lying to him or something?

“And so, when Twilight would borrow your books, she wasn’t just reading them herself, but also “reporting” what she had learned to the royal counsel,

JofY: [Twilight] “I have seen from their literature that some people are able to show how they fight if they are pierced by an arrow!”

SC276: Does this mean that ponies are now basically Undyne?

who then had Vinyl Scratch put a device in that iPod you gave me that would download information in real time from your worlds internet to their database to further research human history.

ToonGuy: So they’re all evil now?

JofY: Those damn evil humans! If only they could be changed into ponies.

SC276: OK, uh, one, breach of privacy. Two, iPods - distinct from iPhones - can’t connect to the Internet on their own far as I know. Three, why would a DJ know how to do that?

Only coming to the conclusion that no human would be allowed to come into our world after witnessing all the wars and plagues that humans had gone through in history.”

JofY: To be fair, all of the violence in Equestria only happens every thousand years.

Crazy56U: And/or the beginning and end of every season.

Rainbow Dash now looks back at me, her red from from all the tears, saying.

ToonGuy: HEEEY, YEYAY, YAYYAY, HEY, YEAH, YAY, I SAY HEY! What’s going on?!

SC276: ~Oh my god do I cry…!~

“And they only wanted me to tell you this lie, to make you think that it was impossible to travel to our world when Twilight had noticed how close you and me were getting and they knew that you would trust me to tell the truth!” She says, before throwing herself into me, hugging my chest tightly as I feel her trembling against me.

ToonGuy: Rainbow Dash, quivering fragile daisy? *beat* BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right, good one.

JofY: Oh, cry me a river.

SC276: I’d probably feel a bigger emotional impact if it wasn’t an overly-long sentence with unnatural word choice.

“Rainbow Dash’s eyes continued to water, a few tears dripping onto my shirt, pulling away before telling me. “Look, I get it if you don't want to see me anymore. I um, I can just go back to my world right now if you want me to. I’ll understand if you never want to “sniffles” see me, I know I wouldn't…” Dash now looked up at me, as if she was about to lose someone close to her.

ToonGuy: Oooh, we still got any of those world’s smallest violins still left?

JofY: I’ve got one of the largest.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a banjo) This counts, right?

SC276: When in any story ever has a revelation that’s this much not-her-fault prevented a sex scene?

Gazing back at her emotionally exhausted face, I tried to comprehend everything she’d just told me,

ToonGuy: And failed. Miserably.

Mononeko: Just like the readers.

Crazy56U: And then his brain exploded.

CaptainPipsqueak: Twice.

thinking of how wrong it was to put a burden this heavy on her like they had, but also at the same time, understanding what Twilight and Celestia were afraid of. Over the years I’ve seen the worst of mankind, but also the best of what we could be.

ToonGuy: OH MY GOD, SHUT THE HELL UP. SERIOUSLY. I know we were joking, but IS THIS A STEALTH PREQUEL TO CONVERSION BUREAU?

JofY: All fics are… All fics are.

Crazy56U: Just like how all TV shows supposedly take place in Tommy Westphall’s

mind, all fanfics take place in “The Conversion Bureau”.

SC276: Dude, unless you were alive to see the bombs drop on Japan, I really don’t think you’ve seen the worst of humanity.

Although with the thought of possibly never getting to see their world saddened me, I knew all I ever needed to make me the happiest guy in my world was sitting right in front of me, crying her eyes out.

ToonGuy: You want her to be crying her eyes out? Dick.

SC276: Also, she’s on her own TV cartoon show, so you can see her world there. I mean, c’mon.

Realizing then, at that very moment, that just because I could never go to their world (legally anyway,)

SC276: Wait, isn’t Dash on the lam from her own dimension for coming here in the first place?

Doesn’t mean I couldn't live my life by their message of acceptance and peace

JofY: Yes, their message of peace, and acceptance, and don’t come near me you violent sicko.

and also, that friendship was magic, the most powerful magic in the known universe by that matter. I had met the most meaningful friend and now mare-friend I’ll ever meet with Dash, and that’s all that mattered to me. And even though their world was just a few dimensions away,

I felt like our species was still a long way from Equestria, as I once heard in a song.

SC276: What song?

Thinking that maybe someday, we'll be ready to accept a peaceful world like they had made, overcoming differences and accepting each other for who they are, something my world still needed to understand a great deal.

ToonGuy: Are you finished moralizing?

But I feel someday. No, I know someday, we will all be in a peaceful world.

ToonGuy: You haven’t? Okay then. I’ll just go and drink myself into a coma.

JofY: ...Are you going to force me to pull out the Superman 4 ending speech?

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh bullshit; everyone knows there were only two Superman movies.

Crazy56U: Technically three if you count The Iron Giant...

SC276: I’m pretty sure humanity’s going to have a tough time synchronizing on a True Pacifist run...

If Equestria could change from a war torn world where Pony's fought and died over land much like we have done countless times in our own past and still continue to do.

SC276: What evidence is there that Equestria had a violent history?! I mean, sure, there was that stuff depicted in the Hearth’s Warming play, but that wasn’t over land rights!

To the incredible world of love and peace they have today, I knew there was hope that my planet could change.

JofY: And there will be peace. There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them. ...You just made me quote Superman 4. I hope you’re happy.

And I wanted Rainbow Dash, the love of life right by my side so that we could witness that day, together.

Mononeko: Dear god, would you please shut up!

ToonGuy: CAPTAIN PLANET WAS MORE SUBTLE THAN YOU!

Coming to this realization I quickly put my hands around the the saddened Pegasus and pulled her close to me, hugging her tightly and saying, “Never want to see me again? Dash look.”

JofY: “I’m blind.”

SC276: That’s not even the right quote.

I told her as she looked into my eyes unsure of what I was about to say.

SC276: That’s because he hasn’t said it yet. It’s called “the natural flow of time.”

“Just because I’m not allowed to go to your world, doesn't mean I don’t want to see you again.” I told her, wiping the tears away from her sad violet eyes. “I understand that us as a people, well we have a lot of growing up to do, and I feel we could learn a lot from your would Dashie.

SC276: [narrator] “Which is why we have a little girl’s TV show about it.”

I know this, because I have.” Rainbow Dash then added, “But that's just the thing, you’d never hurt any of us, I don’t understand why they can't just let you come. It’s not fair!” She exclaimed.

SC276: Dude, you’ve met, like, one guy. Who’s a generic nice-guy self-insert OC.

Then, she told me something that I'll never forget.

“All my life I felt like I’ve been searching for something that was missing and, I’d thought I’d found it when I got accepted as leader of the Wonderbolts last Year.

JofY: “And I did! Bye!”

You see, even though I was now living the dream I had ever since I was just a filly, I still felt like something was missing from my life.

ToonGuy: [Dash] “My contact lenses, I’m blind as Flutterbat without them.”

But when I first met you, I knew right then and there that I had found it, I just, I love you so much dude. I never want to leave you.” Rainbow Dash said

SC276: [Dash] “Which is good, because I’m still kinda a fugitive from pony law.”

then starting to blush nervously having just told me how she felt.

ToonGuy: Thanks, I never would have guessed.

I then moved my hands up her shoulders, feeling the soft fur on her neck, holding her close and looking deeply into her eyes, kissing her on the forehead. “Dash, I felt the same way when I first met you, these past three months have been amazing and I don’t want some silly law to get in the way of us being happy. “I Love You with all my heart Dashie and I’m not going to let anything change that for us.”

ToonGuy: You’re STILL GOING?!

SC276: You know what one of the best parts of There She Is!, a web series about forbidden love, was? It didn’t have babbling-on dialogue.

Thinking of what to say for a few seconds, Rainbow Dash told me with a smile of contentment, “You’re right, I’m not either. Buck that stupid law!

JofY: Fuck Twilight!... Wait…

Crazy56U: Fuck the police!

SC276: Disregard the constabulary!

I just need you, and by Celestia if anything is going to change that…”

SC276: So, does that mean you’re willing to throw away your past friendships that have been helping keep Equestria safe for five seasons? Expected behavior at his juncture.

Dash told me with passion in her voice, right after moving herself closer to my face, kissing me as passionately as the words she had just spoken.

ToonGuy: So it was like kissing a cold wet fish.

SC276: And again with the kissing, oy!

I returned in kind, expressing my love for the fastest Pegasus in all of Equestria.

SC276: If you’re using turn of phrases like that, that’s the sign you’re being too verbose for your vocabulary to support.

Breaking off the kiss a few moments later as Dash told me slyly. “That gets better every time.” she said right before I added. “It sure does.”

ToonGuy: Does it though? DOES IT REALLY? I think you’re talking out of your ass.

Looking over at clock on the wall again, I saw it was almost four am and even if we wanted to go further, I could tell she was really tired at this point, just as tired as I had become.

JofY: Aww… Aren’t we going to see some sex?

SC276: You’ve just spent two hours or so kissing and crying? Gheeze, stamina of a beast.

From everything we said and did tonight, It would sure be a night I’d remember for the rest of my life. I thought looking at my Dashie.

ToonGuy: OH GET ON WITH IT.

JofY: Yes! Get on with it!

For the few times she did end up spending the night in my home, I had set up an air mattress in the spare bedroom upstairs next to mine for Her to sleep in.

Mononeko: What a waste of a perfectly good air mattress…

JofY: I got to imagine that a pony would be heavy as hell. How did a mattress support her?

SC276: What, she can’t sleep on Earth clouds or something?

But, what now?

JofY: ‘Guess I should just kill her.’

SC276: Congratulations, author, you admit you had no plan whatsoever going into this story.

I thought gently petting her soft mane. “Well it's getting late I said in sleepy tone “We’d better get to bed huh.” Not knowing how she’d respond. “Rainbow Dash suddenly picked her head up and asked me.

JofY: “AAAAAAHH!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HEAD!?!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “My head’s detachable and yours isn’t! Sucks to be you!”

“Hey, would it be okay if I slept in your bed tonight, ya know, with you?” A now smile started to grow on her face, already knowing the answer.

ToonGuy: [???] “No way! It’s my bed! Get your own!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Anyway, you trot in your sleep and I don’t need to be stepped on, thanks.”

SC276: The minute she starts tossing and turning, he’s a freakin’ pancake.

“I was taking back at just how cute her question was.

SC276: Taking back what, the video to the rental store? Man, I feel old all of a sudden.

“Of course it's okay! I want you to Dashie.” She then gave me a gentle kiss on my lips, returning with “Thanks, but I already knew you were going to say yes.“

JofY: Ah, manipulation.

I know.” I told her as she held into my chest, looking at me with those big innocent eyes then saying. “Carry me?”

JofY: According to some quick research, your average pony weighs around 225 to 360 kg. He’s not gonna be able to.

Crazy56U: Not unless he lifts with his knees...

I knew at that moment she was using her full on cuteness to her advantage but I obliged,

SC276: This is how the death spiral starts.

JofY: Weeee!

getting off the couch and slowly making my way to the staircase, holding the Pegasus I cared about so much as she nestled into me, holding on tightly as I continued making my way up the stairs to my bedroom.

ToonGuy: So this is basically the pony version of the Room. “Oh hai, I love Rainbow Dash so much, she is part of my life I cannot go on without her, you are TEARING ME APART RAINBOW DASH!”

“Opening the door and walking over to the large bad in the middle of the room,

Mononeko: ‘cause I’m baaaad, I’m baaaad. You know it...

SC276: The exact middle? Who doesn’t put at least one side of the bed against the wall?

JofY: Damn hipsters...

now sitting down on the bed as Rainbow Dash slowly crawled off of me, laying sideways on my bed, looking at me and smiling gently with a look of love and longing in her eyes, resting her head on some pillows before opening her mouth, eliciting a loud yawn that caused me to yawn just as loudly.

SC276: *uses Google* ...As I thought, that’s not what “elicting” means.

The moonlight cascading through the windows was all the light we needed to see,

JofY: Aside from dawn’s morning light.

shining off Dash’s cyan coat yet again, making her glow in the night.

JofY: Uh… That may want to be checked on.

SC276: Did she get that crystal makeover before coming here?

I quickly laid down next to her as she started to move closer to where I was laying, as we looked deep into each others eyes, Dash began to unfold one of her wings, placing it around my shoulder and caressing me lovenly.

Mononeko: Yes, this is a very lovenly moment.

I returned with placing my arm around the back of her neck gently petting Dashies soft cyan coat

SC276: If I hear “cyan coat” one more time, I’m gonna freakin’ shank somebody.

as we moved In for a full embrace her rainbow colored tale wrapped itself around my leg

Mononeko: Please make her tale be better than the shit I’m reading now.

as her forehoof grasped my chest and her back hoof intertwined around my leg.

SC276: That is a very flexible hoof.

I reached for the dark blue fleece blanket on the other side of her pulling it over us, remembering that I had forgotten to switch the heat on as I was heading upstairs, but I knew that Dashes body heat with mine would be more than enough to keep us comfortable throughout the cold night.

JofY: What is it now? 3… 4 am?

Crazy56U: Let me check. (checks watch) ... (shakes watch) ...damn, I think it died…

SC276: Fuck, we actually had a casualty of bad fanfiction. We hardly knew ye, watch.

Pulling the blanket fully over us, Rainbow Dash whispered. “I want to stay like this forever.” she uttered with a caring tone in her voice as I returned with. “I'll never leave your side,

SC276: [narrator] “Even if I have to sew us together.”

JofY: [Dash] “But you’re right now in front of me!”

“I want to be with you forever Dashie, I love you so much.” I told her sincerely as a few tears begin to fall from my eyes. Still gazing at me she added. “I want to be with you forever too dude.

JofY: [Dash] “Surf’s up.”

“I love you, so, bucken, much…” she told me, slowly drifting off to sleep.

I felt the utmost compassion in her words as I gradually fell off to sleep in her embrace, dreaming of flying with the Pegasus I cared for and loved so much till the end of time. Pulling off amazing tricks that would make the other Wonderbolts proud.

SC276: Even though you’re not a pegasus.

JofY: [Random Wonderbolt] “Stupid human, stealing our achievements…”

The End.

RingmasterJ5: ...And because this apparently needs to ALWAYS happen now, turns out the sequel the guy mentioned at the very start of the fic also fits under our wordcount limit. So, here’s “A Pegasus in the Sky”.

JofY: ~I can fly twice as high.~

Crazy56U: ...well, I can’t be mad this time, I did make a point of being upset that we were doing the riff out of order...

Mononeko: *groan* there’s more...

SC276: There’s another one?!

It's Been three weeks since Rainbow Dash and I confessed our love to each other, and here I was.

Crazy56U: [???] “In jail. Because of that damn horse…”

SC276: [narrator] “Dash, when I said ‘floor it,’ I didn’t mean ‘flatten the car!’”

Laying on my bed after a long and stressful day at work thinking about how much I missed the mareI loved and held most dear, imaging holding her close to me. Longing to feel the warmth of her soft cyan coat agence me once more.

Rainbow Dash's next visit wouldn't be for another three days or so. As she was all booked up doing shows with her fellow Wonderbolts Soarin and Spitfire all around Equestria until then.

CaptainPipsqueak: “So all I had to keep myself occupied was my right hand.”

SC276: Wait, she left Equestria against orders last fic. She was welcomed back? I would’ve liked to hear that instead of this!

I had given Dashie one of those Gopro camera's for her birthday last month so she could film some of her shows with it to show me on her visits.

JofY: Twilight then confiscated it claiming that it was a camera just another brazen example of violence.

Dash got some really impressive footage over the weeks,

JofY: I see he also bought the pony helmet attachment.

the acrobatic flying moves that Pegasus could pull off made me dizzy just watching them.

Mononeko: Or maybe that was just because of the shaking camera. Remember, never record while flying.

I remembered hearing how hard long distance relationships could be, not to mention

interdimensional ones.

JofY: ‘I just don’t get how those displac-’ *pukes*

I was missing her with every thought that would visualized Itself into my subconscious, I had to focus.

SC276: But he was failing miserably.

“It's just three more days now, not even that at this point!” I thought, finally collecting myself from my vivid thoughts and wiping away a tear that had begun to fall from one of my eyes, slowly getting up off my bed and reaching for my camera I kept on the nightstand next to me,

SC276: Dude, if you’re getting this distraught over not being able to see someone, that’s evidence you have no life whatsoever.

picking it up and looking at it for a few seconds then presiding to turn it on going through the various pictures I had taking over the course of the past two months, seeing all the memories I had shared with Dashie.

JofY: Seeing all the times they ran-on.

From the time we went to that drive in movie, to her reaction to seeing Indiana Jones for the first time.

We couldn't do a lot out of the house because of someone possibly seeing her, so we had to do things where there wasn't a lot of people, like a park at dusk or a drive in movie,

SC276: If this were like the ‘50s, not even that would be an option.

of which she could just hide in my SUV because of the blacked out windows.

SC276: If the windows were blacked out, how did you watch the film?

Among all the pictures of the Rainbow mare where shots of various sunsets I had taken,

It was just a hobby, but I always liked to get a shot of the dusk at the end of the day from my bedroom window if it looked interesting enough, I did have a perfect view of them after all.

JofY: A view of a wonderful brick wall.

SC276: If just looking at the sun hurts your eyes, and looking at it through binoculars or some other magnification would blind you, I don’t think that camera’s in very good condition.

Almost every night she was here, we'd love to watch the sun go down together.

SC276: What I’d like to see is Rainbow’s mind being blown when she found out the sun moves by itself here.

So, in a way you could say they also served like many of the photos of Rainbow Dash herself, as memories to remember how awesome I felt being with her that day or what interesting things we did or accomplished, like practicing up on my drawing or writing stories of which without her input,

I could never think of what to say next…

Being she just finished her 3rd Daring Do fan fiction, Dash would always have good pointers to help me out with pacing or charter development.

Mononeko: Grammar however...

Continuing to look through the photos for sometime, I couldn't stop thinking about the mare I cared so deeply for, wishing that she would just appear in front of me right then and there,

SC276: Cue convenient timing.

I'd never been more madly in love with her and wished she would always be here with me or that I could always be in her world with her. But I knew she had to go back for her job as a Wonderbolt of which Rainbow Dash lived the dream doing what she loved to do,

JofY: After all, he was only third best.

flying as fast as her cyan wings could take her, doing advanced tricks that had broken all the records at the elite flyers training academe she had attended.

SC276: Is this narrative going to talk in as many circles as the last one?

Collecting myself from my thoughts yet again,

JofY: Me? Have you been hanging out with my thoughts again? How many times do I have to tell you they’re a bad crowd?

I switched the camera from playback to photo mode readying it to get some shots, as I walked over to the window I saw that the golden light of the late afternoon was at its most impressive, cascading in from the two windows on either side of my bedroom. In between them I had a wonderbolts poster along with a DJ Pon 3 consort AD that Rainbow Dash had given me for my birthday a few weeks ago.

JofY: Wow, what an unnecessary detail.

ToonGuy: I disagree! I want to hear all about it IN PAINSTAKING DETAIL.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, leave out not one single point. Wow us.

Our birthdays where only a few weeks apart making October my favorite month of the Year.

JofY: Their birthdays were in March but it was because of that, that October was their favorite.

Even though as much as I hated getting older.

JofY: Dang whippersnapper!

Seeing Dash’s expression to what I had gotten her made the whole day better though. I loved bringing her joy, but I knew there would be nothing I could give her that could bring Rainbow Dash as much happiness as she gave me just being here so I could share my life with her.

SC276: So, presents are a useless gesture? Thanks for the romance tip!

I made my way to the left window by the poster, parting the two dark red curtains and peering out the window as the golden light shone through the pane of glass onto hands, warming them up.

JofY: Wait a second… IT’S MELTING THEM!

I now was squinting to try and see if there were any interesting clouds or weather effects that would make for an interesting photo,

ToonGuy: “That one looks like a middle finger!”

as my eyes adjusted to the light, I could make out a few oval shaped clouds glowing from the radiant light of the setting sun continuing to look to my left, I kept on seeing more interesting patterns until I gazed upon one that looked familiar to me, like someone I knew and loved with than anything else in this or any other world.

JofY: It looked like a cotton ball.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or a pizza.

SC276: Why yes, your world has decided it wants nothing to do with this one, go ahead and fly around in BROAD DAYLIGHT.

Because right then, there was a cloud glowing from the now almost set sun that appeared to have hooves a tail! and I could maybe make out some wings?

ToonGuy: Well we don’t know! You’re the one describing it! What are we supposed to say!?

Gazing up with disbelief I yell out in my thoughts.

“It was in the shape of a Pegasus!,”

JofY: The invasion has begun.

“It was my Dashie!”

CaptainPipsqueak: No, I think you’ll find that’s she’s her Dashie; she just deigns to be in your presence.

Quickly, I raised the camera up, getting it InFocus

CaptainPipsqueak: ...a privately owned video accessory company based in Oregon...

SC276: What a twist.

to take the best shot I could right before the sun fully set and I would miss my chance.

JofY: If only he took the lense cap off.

Pressing the shutter button repeatedly, I took a few shots making sure that one would come out good right after doing so the Pegasus cloud formation slowly faded as the jetstream took it turning it into just another cloud as the sun disappeared over the horizon.

SC276: Just keep running-running on, and running-running on...

Pressing play back right after taking a look at the shots I just gotten, I looked at that amazing formation in the clouds yet again. When Rainbow Dash visited me she could never fly because of the fear of somebody seeing her, I had always dreamed about her flying through the sky’s of my world,

ToonGuy: You have a set of very unimaginative fantasies.

CaptainPipsqueak: He’s into bestiality with a talking multicoloured pegasus. I don’t think imagination could keep up

SC276: You’re telling me a cloud just coincidentally ended up looking like her? Given she seems to be the only thing you can think about, I’m willing to bet you hallucinated it.

doing tricks and pulling off load sonic rainbooms flying through the clouds, as It was Rainbow Dash’s dream as well the soar through the brilliant blue sky’s of earth.

ToonGuy: Sky’s? We’re getting invaded by huge amounts of sky’s?! Hide the booze.

SC276: Judging from the typesmanship, too late.

Unlike in her world, we couldn't control the weather or the wind making it all the more unpredictable, and the Rainbow maned Pegasus loved that idea of how she could challenge herself trying to tame the wild clouds of my world, pushing herself to the limit testing our very laws of our physics.

CaptainPipsqueak: And if she could run-on sentence while doing it, that was just a bonus!

SC276: They literally just couldn’t find an open field or something?

Seeing how many incredible sonic rainbooms in rapid succession she could pull off in a single sound barrier breaking dive.

SC276: Has Dash ever done more than one at once in canon? I want to know now.

I knew Dashie would love to see this picture when she visited in a few days. Right then an idea all of a sudden struck me.

SC276: And knocked him out cold.

Why don't I get this picture framed and give it to Rainbow Dash as a gift!

JofY: Because it’s stupid and you don’t actually have a career in photography?

It was “20% cooler” than all the other sunset pictures I had taking that year after all.

JofY: 1.2 times 0 still equals 0.

Pulling the curtains back together, I turned to my writing desk that was just on the other side of them.

JofY: What does shmo even do?

CaptainPipsqueak: Whatever needs doing. Last week he was a carpenter, the week before that a gas station attendant. We don’t talk about what happened a month ago, though. Nobody died; that’s the important part.

Reaching down, I started to look through a few of the many drawings I had drawn of Rainbow Dash when she had visited about over the months. Dash had a few poses picked out that she wanted to do, curious to see how good my drawing skills had become since a couple weeks ago when she visited and I’d drawn her for the first time.

SC276: Gheeze, this guy’s dipped his toes in more artistic mediums than I have.

A lot of them still needed some more work, as that Pegasus never liked to stay still for very long… The drawing on top would always re”mane” my favorite though.

Mononeko: AHHHHH HA HA HA HA, please kill me now…

JofY: Oh, silly Mono. You can’t die here. WE WON’T LET YOU.

Mononeko: *desperately tries to look for an exit*

ToonGuy: Don’t bother, I already exhausted all of the options. Give up now and it’s easier on the brain.

SC276: Yeah, escape’s only possible when you’re in a defined space.

CaptainPipsqueak: We all float down here...

Picking up that one made me remember that night vividly of how Rainbow Dash was sitting on my bed in that pose, looking at me with those violet eyes as I could hardly keep my hand still, drawing the various lines and forming her incredible body.

Being a pony, Dash didn't normally sit like she was doing, with one of her hooves resting on the side of her head as the other one rested down on her leg, while the her back hooves laid seductively to her side, wings spared out in full

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, at least her wings were saved.

, revealing more than you'd normally see if the Pegasus ware in a natural position.

JofY: More revealing than normal?... This would be NSFW if you showed a picture!

SC276: I think I drew a female anthro Eevee in that exact pose… when I was like sixteen.

It was Dash's idea to pose like that after all, and I sure wasn't about to complain.

JofY: ...I can’t imagine doing yoga like that would be comfortable.

My cheeks along with Rainbow Dash's blushed slightly as I continued to draw her full outline, working on the details of her

ToonGuy: WOAH!

face.

ToonGuy: Oh. Crisis averted.

SC276: Wait, I forgot, is he reminiscing, which makes a lot of this pointless, or did she just suddenly materialize out of nowhere.

When all the outlines had been drawn I moved along using various colored pencils to draw the prismatic colors of the spectrum on her rainbow mane and tail as she then smiled slightly asking me. “How's it look?.”

SC276: It looks like a bunch of run-on sentences. Thank god this story seems shorter than the other one...

Misunderstanding her I said, “You look amazing Dashie.” And she did, contrasting her cyan coat agence

SC276: Here is the world-famous French spy infiltrating the Cyan Coat Agence to steal classified intelligence...

the light sand colored bed sheets.“No, how's the drawing look silly.” She said, rolling her eyes up. “Oh the drawing! It’s um, It's coming along great!.” I uttered nervously. “It's so difficult not to move!.” She stated matter-of-factly.

“I know, I’ll just be a few more minutes okay.” I said, reassuring the antsy Pegasus in front of me.

With the outlines on her rainbow mane and tail now fully colored in, I picked up a cyan blue colored copic marker to finish coloring in her soft blue coat along with various other details that made my hands quiver even more than had been before.

SC276: Do we have an art guy here that can confirm whether or not mixing colored pencils and copic markers is a terrible idea?

Having finishing the drawing, Rainbow Dash excitedly jumped off my bed and flew over to me, sitting on my lap, looking at what I just drawn.

Mononeko: [Rainbow]: “It looks like shit.”

“Wow, that looks so awesome!.” she uttered joyfully. “Thanks, I think I'm starting to get the hang of this!.” I told her as she moved in, kissing me slightly on the lips and wrapping her wings around my back pulling me closer to her, continuing to kiss me even more passionately as I returned the kiss, feeling every muscle in her face intensify

ToonGuy: That’s not a good thing.

as we both applied more pressure than releasing a few moments later.

CaptainPisqueak: “It was like snogging a leather mitten.”

SC276: And they’re both making out in the freakin’ flashback, I have no idea what the hell’s even going on anymore.

“I Love You so much Dashie!,” I told her gazing into those amazing eyes. “I, I love you too stud.”

JofY: ...Is his name actually supposed to be Stud?

Crazy56U: I’m sticking with ???. Because he doesn’t deserve an actual name.

she whispered out of breathily. I then turned around to pick up the drawing I just made, turning back to her, I said. “Here, I want you to have this. “Aw I couldn't take Your drawing, It's your best work yet!”

JofY: After all, he used colored pencils instead of crayon.

Rainbow Dash said worryingly. “It's alright, I want you to have it.”

“No, I want you to keep it so that you can ya know, imagine me anytime you want to...” Dash told me caringly with a soft and sultry tone in the her voice. “Besides, it's a little too... “revealing” to take back home and show my Friends, she said starting to blush again, slightly chuckling.

“Hey now, I just Drew what I saw!.” I told her slyly. “Oh, I know you, loving to draw every “detail.”

ToonGuy: *through clenched teeth* Can I get the SWAT gear back out?!

Mononeko: Save it, this story isn’t worth it.

SC276: I’m not getting out the Golden Freddy heads again, so someone give me something else to load the slingshot with.

she told me with a devilish grin on her face. “Only the best “details” besides, it was your idea to pose like that in the first place, showing me said “details” I told the mare jokingly.

JofY: In all honestly, Dash’s pose was only 480p.

Crazy56U: You’re giving her too much credit, it was 144p at best.

“Hey, I only wanted to pose like that because You showed me that boat movie with the guy who drowns at the end...

Crazy56U: ...“The Perfect Storm”?

SC276: [Dash] “It took me a moment to remember why he didn’t just fly out.”

she told me angrily, playfully smacking my face with her hoof. “It made me totally cry my eyes out dude.”

JofY: The waste of all that money? Terrible.

Crazy56U: Yeah, fuck Titanic.

“Oh, so that's why I felt like Leonardo DiCaprio drawing that...”

JofY: [???] “And here I was thinking I was a ninja turtle.”

Crazy56U: Naked lady. Trust me, Author, you aren’t ruining anyone’s day by revealing that.

I told her with faked realization in my voice.

JofY: Wow, real Oscar performance there.

Crazy56U: So, it’s worthy of Titanic, then?

“Okay if You really want me to, I'll keep it.”

Dash then moved her head close to me resting her forehead against mine whispering

“I hate You.”

JofY: ...My god... I can’t believe it... That ‘you’ should not be capitalized!

CaptainPipsqueak: No. Clearly Dash sees the protagonist as God.

as she looked into my eyes with a caring expression, smiling slightly. I returned whispering “I know, how about next time I warn you if the movies going to be sad.”

JofY: [Dash] “Completely ruin the ending for me.”

“Alright, deal!”

JofY: [???] “Okay, our next movie is called ‘Schindler's List.’ It’s gonna be fun!”

Rainbow said hugging me as we both moved in to kiss ever passionately once again.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Again, it was like snogging a leather mitten.”

Continuing to look at the drawing and remembering all the events that transpired that night just made me miss that Pegasi even more than I had missed her before.

SC276: Boo hoo, get a hobby.

Walking back over to my nightstand and brushing my hand across the silk sheets on my bed, I reached for my iPod that was on the table, syncing it up with my wireless speaker I had under the TV in my room

SC276: You just got wireless speakers everywhere, don’t you.

as it began to play Take My Breath Away by Berlin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNYvzKy-i9k

Crazy56U: ...dear God, you actually don’t even know how to hyperlink?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Which is particularly sad because at that point FimFiction still had a Youtube link button. You had to click one button, author! ONE BUTTON!

(Great, just what I needed to depress me even more!)

Crazy56U: Yeah, “Top Gun” is really depressing, I feel ya, man…

JofY: I bet anything could get him could think of Dash.

CaptainPipsqueak: Except rainbows, for some odd reason. Just don’t do a thing for him.

I thought. But I decided to leave it play seeing as how it was a fitting end to the day, even though it made me think about her, but I guess so did most of the songs I liked listening to.

JofY: Especially all those songs about dogs and hoes.

SC276: ~Just an old-fashioned love song, playing on the radio...~

Now I was stirring at my iPod

CaptainPipsqueak: ...the cream getting all over the place...

SC276: ~M-I-X the flour into the bowl~

it for a few minutes as the song played, looking at the wallpaper on my device that was of course, “Rainbow Dash” looking all seductive sitting in my high class Ikea chair that I had in the corner of my bedroom.

Mononeko: As opposed to those lower class Ikea chairs. Pffff, who needs those!

CaptainPipsqueak: “Oh sure; they’re fine for your typical plebian, but I prefer to rest my ass on something that shouts ‘I’m better than you!’”

SC276: Dude, if you put your own wallpaper as your own picture of your crush, that’s kind of obsessive. I mean, I got my own drawing as my lock screen art, but I’m not stupid about it.

I placed the iPod back down on the side table, shortly after falling back into my bed.

The song playing on quietly as my arms spread out on either side of my head, looking over to see that was now 12am in the morning.

JofY: Midnight equals the morning.

CaptainPipsqueak: Technically, it does. Morning is the period between midnight and noon, but most people consider it the time from dawn to noon.

SC276: Still doesn’t mean he needed to put “AM” and “in the morning” in the same freakin’ sentence.

“Just two more days now.” I thought to myself, smiling contently and gradually falling off to sleep, dreaming of flying free in the the night sky's above like I had done every night since I first met that Dashing Rainbow maned Pegasus I so completely and helplessly fell in love with.

JofY: After all, the script demanded it.

SC276: Having the same dream every night is a symptom of a one-track mind. As if him having nothing else to do in his life besides the imaginary pony girlfriend wasn’t already blatantly obvious.

The End.

(actual photo I took that inspired this story)

Crazy56U: That is not provided with the story because, if it was, it would be akin to

staring into the Ark of the Covenant.

ToonGuy: At this point, I’d take it.

JofY: Oh, please. I don’t see what all the hubbub is about it. I saw inside of it; it was just a bunch of sand.

CaptainPipsqueak: The last guys just had an extreme allergic reaction. Melting faces are a symptom.

SC276: Actually, it’s there in the original webpage. Ring presumably just didn’t check his copy-paste because he was in a hurry.

CaptainPipsqueak: God knows we are.

Thanks for reading.

SC276: You’re not welcome.

JofY: “And this has been” An Evening With A Pegasus + A Pegasus In The Sky. “And personally, “wow this was ridiculous.” Let’s not even focus on the bad grammar, and focus on nothing really happens. The pacing is just boringly slow. The whole reveal of him not being able to go to Equestria could have been interesting, if it wasn’t ignored like “It isn’t actively painful though. I mean, it never actively tries to do anything, and to that sense, it’s not bad?... Yeah. Piss argument, but you get what I mean, what about the rest of you?

Mononeko: Aside from everything JofY said, this is just your standard “Human has the hots for multi colored horses” story with sometimes some admittedly hilarious grammar errors. In my opinion, romantic stories don’t really need to have much going on, but come on, at least TRY to keep it interesting.

ToonGuy: It felt just….LONG. I’ve read fanfics where the idea of a relationship is built up slowly, but this was just dull. There wasn't anything really, and that’s the problem. The main character didn’t even get a name or any personality beyond that he’s a ‘nice guy’, and it feels like Rainbow Dash got wimpified HARD. In all honesty, I’ll likely forget I even read this fanfiction in a week or so, and that’s not a good thing.

SC276: Yeah, everyone else summed it up. Much ado about freakin’ nothing. No real conflict, no real character, just one thing after another presented with terrible misuse of quotation marks - like my god have you ever read an actual book - and repetitive detail that we don’t care about. And the sequel’s short enough that it might as well have been an epilogue for all I care.

Crazy56U: To bring this full circle, I would like to remind you all yet again that the better riff option was STARING YOU IN THE FACE.

JofY: ...The Nyx fic?

Crazy56U: That too! At this point, anything other than this would’ve been the better option!

JofY: We’ve done The Catch, My Brave Unicorn, and Displaced. Are you saying this is worse than those?

Crazy56U: No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that this should not have won the poll! This was a big waste of time! COME ON.

JofY: Well, that’s not what everyone else said. Get over it.

SC276: I don’t even vote on those. I just take what’s in front of me.

RingmasterJ5: God damn, this was a trainwreck. First, I wanted to find a really terrible fic literally posted yesterday as a sort of New Year’s special… but that didn’t work out. I did manage to find a very riffable Hunger Games ripoff thing, but upon further inspection the actual story was only 2K words and the rest of the 4K-word fic was just the author doing a bunch of those “random Hunger Games generator” things with the characters. So then I tried to make it a different kind of New Year’s special by finding another really short fic posted on a previous 1/1 to accompany it, but couldn’t find any that worked. THEN, I tried to at least salvage it by trying to find another Hunger Games ripoff fic to pair it with, but none of those worked either. So, instead, you get the first riffable thing I drudged up from FFNet’s “most recent” page. Anyway, Fallen, what came to mind when I first linked you this?

Fallen Prime: Other than “why” and “fuck you?”

RingmasterJ5: I was more specifically referring to the whole “IT’S A GIANT WALL OF TEXT” bit.

Fallen Prime: Oh, psh. I didn’t even skim it. All I needed was the fucking title.

RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, a trilogy of terrible wall-of-text Creepypastas by an author who inexplicably has the largest hate-boner for Facebook I’ve ever seen. (Otherwise known as “DiscordExe” by DiscordXChaos)

Crazy56U: ...wow, 2016 already sucks...

Preface:

RingmasterJ5: Before we begin I just want to say that all three of these stories were posted in December of 2015, which is something you should probably keep in mind as you read.

SC276: So, last month? So it’s fresh out of the oven. Good for pizza, bad for half-baked stories.

Crazy56U: Terrible for half-baked pizza. ...wait...

Facebook has the most unhelpful ways to get back your account after being blocked.

CaptainPipsqueak: They’re actually doing you a favour but be as angry as you wish.

ToonGuy: So this is pretty much Sonic.EXE just with a different character?

Crazy56U: ...so, does this mean you’re going to rip off “Unfriended” then?

Especially fake ones.

Crazy56U: Facebook has fake ways to get your account back?

ToonGuy: They’re like that one kid who doesn’t stop trying to sucker punch you.

So I wrote this narrative in an attempt to explain what truly was going on in their servers, why their tech support is terrible, and my anger to Facebook as they have banned my account twice for being under a false name.

JofY: How dare they! All he wants to do is shame girls on the internet! What’s wrong with that?

Crazy56U: So, in other words, instead of doing the sensible thing and dropping Facebook like a cheap habit, you’re basically going to vilify the site? Didn’t “The Social Network” already do that?

This is the story of how Facebook fell.

RingmasterJ5: Not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with thousands of shitty Minion memes.

SC276: This is the sort of thing that one should write down in a Word document and then not post on the Internet.

Crazy56U: And already the Author has failed, since Facebook is still up and is still a thing. A terrible, terrible thing...

( P.S. : By the way, this takes place in September 2012, one year after Season 2 Episode 1 of My Little Pony, "The Return of Harmony Part 1" aired.

JofY: Why? Because apparently this fic about, what I’m guessing from the title, a computer thing, needs to be in continuity with MLP.

Crazy56U: ...so, around the time “The Crystal Empire” premiered?

This alternate timeline suggests it took much more time for Facebook to be invented simply because the idea wasn't interesting to any company and no one was willing to support it.)

CaptainPipsqueak:...’kay?

ToonGuy: Uh…..did we miss a couple of pages where this...I dunno, made sense?

SC276: One, both halves of “Return of Harmony” were aired in September 2011, so why not just reference the whole two-parter instead of just the first half? Two, I don’t know much about the history of Facebook, but I’m pretty sure MySpace existed by this time and if Facebook didn’t happen, MySpace might still be doing shit, so everyone would be on MySpace instead of Facebook and basically you have no idea how causality works. Three, if you need a postscript (or is it prescript?) in the author notes before the text itself, you’re terrible at establishing setting.

Crazy56U: So, I guess this means that Mark Zuckerberg never met up with the Winklevoss twins, but they already had a Facebook-esque idea in mind, so I don’t know what- a majority of my riffs so far have been about Facebook, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!

DiscordXChaos

JofY: ...I thought we were doing a creepypasta, not a ship fic.

CaptainPipsqueak: Are they mutually exclusive?

Crazy56U: And thus, the Facebook/MLP Creepypasta became a MLP/Sonic shipfic.

...2016 fucking sucks.

ToonGuy: I’ll get the booze ready. Maybe add a little rat poison in, night is still young.

My name's Jarom Jezrel ,

CaptainPipsqueak: “Hi, Jarom!”

SC276: No, it’s DiscordXChaos, pay attention already.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pfft. He’ll always be “Jarom” to me. Maybe we could compromise and call him “Jamjar”?

ToonGuy: Or Jar Jam Binks?

CaptainPipsqueak: Let’s not go too far.

Crazy56U: “and this is the story of how I sued my parents for my shitty name!”

I was working at this new company called "Facebook".

SC276: Oh god it’s one of these where the narrator is part of the company, like “Squidward’s Suicide.” Also, I just thought of something: establishing an alternate universe ruins the entire point of creepypasta, doesn’t it? I mean, if the idea is to tell a campfire ghost story like it actually happened, saying it takes place in an alternate timeline breaks that in half freakin’ immediately. It’s like you’re too angry to freakin’ try.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, since Facebook only just now got invented, that means everyone who would be using it are on MySpace. ...this is a strange timeline we’re in right now…

Scarlet: Discord apparently discovered the net at some point.

It had just came out, so all of it was pretty new to me as in terms of how to use it. I know how to fix it,

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “(applies a bandage to a computer monitor) All better!”

ToonGuy: “And here’s a lollipop for being such a good boy!”

but I don't go on it that very much because I work there

Crazy56U: Which... is not possible... ...unless he uses Tumblr when he’s supposed to be working…

Scarlet: The dreadful history of the invention of Twitter.

and just being tech support for Facebook already gives me enough on my hands.

JofY: I see Facebook in this universe hires tech support from Comcast.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “(hands are covered in blood) ...the horror... ...the horror...”

Scarlet: [Jarom] “Have you tried making sure Facebook is plugged in?”

CaptainPipsqueak: Or turning it off and then back on again?

I was busy working on a way to let people invite others to play games they enjoy when suddenly one odd invite appeared.

JofY: “I call it ‘Farmville.’”

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “It was for a party, which makes no sense, since I have no

friends…”

ToonGuy: So he sent the invite to himself? ...I’ll buy it.

Scarlet: “Make a contract?”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Here, use this pen. Relax, that’s just red ink. Not… not like it would be anything else, of course.

It was weird because the feature hadn't been installed on Facebook yet.

JofY: Not only that, but it linked to a CD, which hadn’t been invented yet!

SC276: For a moment, I thought it was talking about inviting people to be your friend, which seems like exactly the sort of thing this author would write about.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Which was double weird, since I was supposed to install that!”

It was from "Discord: The Master of Chaos".

Crazy56U: Wow. We’re just… we’re just going in raw, aren’t we?

Scarlet: This author’s hardcore.

CaptainPipsqueak: Bite the mousepad, I’m going in dry!

His game he wanted me to play was entitled "Evil Chaos".

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: It’s actually “Farmville”.

Luckily for me, I had a friend who was into the show and knew who he was.

JofY: You had a friend that was into the Bible show? Also, remember this, I’ll be bringing it up later.

SC276: Your first action wasn’t to make sure the game actually existed? Also, you’re not telling anyone about something that’s using a feature that hasn’t been implemented yet? Especially since you just got hired, so there’s no way you’re at the point in your career where you can just keep things like that to yourself.

ToonGuy: Also, as far as you know, he’s a fictional character! Unless you think John De Lancie- Praise to him- has actually messaged you out of the blue, then I would severely rethink how you view the world.

Crazy56U: ...is your “friend” actually Google? Because... yeah, I don’t see you actually having friends. ...let alone a friend.

This "character" was the spirit of chaos and disharmony in the show.

CaptanPipsqueak: I AM SHODAN

JofY: ‘It was really more of a local.’

SC276: You know Japan actually has a traffic light god?

Scarlet: God damn it SC, I can’t pause to lecture about Shinto right now!

Crazy56U: ...yes Jarom, he is a character. It’s not like Discord is a toaster or

anything...

The odd thing was the picture wasn't your usual bright colored, light toned Discord.

JofY: They used Photoshop!

ToonGuy: Already they’ve committed a sin in changing the design for no real reason!

Crazy56U: Because hearing a one sentence explanation about the guy means you now

know what he looks like.

Scarlet: Dark red and possibly bleeding.

His body was a dark red Rosewood color with his mane Red and his tail the same color. His bear paw was Vermillion and his eagle's claw was a Terra cotta shade. His right dragon claw was a Dim Grey

CaptainPipsqeak: Not just workaday ‘dim grey’, but Dim Grey, the master of all greys!

Scarlet: Vermillion, the bear paw’s true identity!

Crazy56U: Hey, you asshole, you leave Grey out of this! Just because he is a slow

learner does NOT mean he’s “dim”!

CaptainPipsqueak: No, it’s a Chinese snack plate; a variant of Dim Sum.

and his other horse hoof was Silver.

ToonGuy: IT’S NO USE!

Crazy56U: 100% Silver? God, that’s gotta be expensive... ... (pulls out a hacksaw)

CaptainPipsqueak: The horse hoof was Silver. Oh lawdy.

His horns were Black with Red strokes around them. His wings were each Dark Grey.

JofY: All in all, it was soooo last season.

SC276: Because colors must be capitalized. Didn’t you see the memo addendum to the Manual of Proper Internet Grammar?

Scarlet: I think I burned that last year.

Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, Discord’s a goth here.

I wondered who this was and how they could get into our servers, when we haven't even made the new update to Facebook's page yet.

JofY: ‘My coworkers never play pranks on one another.’

Scarlet: Given he thinks he works at a start-up version of Facebook in 2012, I’m not sure if these co-workers are real or just another part of his hallucination.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, I’m starting to think that Alt-Facebook is nothing more than a front for the local mob!

I was telling myself to not check the link out, but some crazy curiosity

Crazy56U: AKA “Because plot.”

was telling me to go check it out. Against my better judgement, I clicked on the link.

JofY: It showed him how he wasn’t gonna give you up.

CaptainPipsqueak: What a let-down.

Crazy56U: And then his computer exploded. THE END

It took me to the game, which again, we hadn't made that feature available to the public or anyone at all for that matter.

JofY: ‘It’s attempts at filling in the UI elements we hadn’t put yet… Wasn’t too seamless.’

Crazy56U: Alt-Facebook is basically the equivalent of a GeoCities website made by a

fifth-grader in 1997.

I accepted the terms of the game, again, avoiding that consciousness that told me to not to do it, and the game started up.

SC276: Forget that the game shouldn’t exist, this guy is an idiot for agreeing to play a game that doesn't exist. Also, who actually clicks those “invite to play this” messages?!

ToonGuy: Only thing that could have been worse is if the game was called ‘Nigarian Priince, Give Money’

Scarlet: [Randy from Scream] “Never, under any circumstances, say you will be right back.”

Crazy56U: Is this Facebook job the first time Jarom ever used a computer, let alone

the Internet? If I didn’t know better, I’d assume he just invited himself to a bout of

viruses and identity theft!

For some odd reason, the game went to full-screen, which was very different, because most games we were going to allow on Facebook weren't capable of doing such a deed.

JofY: Using new and inventive features? The horror!

SC276: “We were going to allow”? You haven’t added any games yet? And yet you don’t find it odd in the freakin’ slightest that you’re playing a game on a platform that doesn’t have games yet? You have less survival instincts than most escort mission characters!

ToonGuy: Maybe it’s like a perception filter, where Discord’s magic is making him not notice the plot holes and misdirecting it….man, I gave that more actual thought than need be. Won’t make that mistake again!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, those are fun. “Hey look, a heavily armed warship! I’ll fly my weaponless ship over and say ‘Hi!’ Hi, heavily armed warship! Wanna be besties? OHMYFU…”

Crazy56U: Okay, look, I don’t know much about Facebook. I don’t use Facebook. I

don’t want to acknowledge Facebook. ...and yet, to me, none of this sounds right.

There is no way Facebook, even Alt-Facebook, would be this poorly put together. I know you want to vilify the website, but this is too much. ...I just defended Facebook, I feel dirty…

CaptainPipsqueak: And so you should. You go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

This was a 2D side-scrolling pixel platformer and role-playing game.

JofY: Not only that, but it had a ‘Game Maker’ watermark on it!

SC276: I’ll let that pass because, by the story’s admitted setting, Undertale doesn’t exist yet.

Crazy56U: You’re right, Author, why aren’t I playing Earthbound right now instead of

this?

Scarlet: Pixel platformer/roleplaying combo… my god, it’s Zelda II!

Crazy56U: You’re right, Scarlet, why aren’t I playing Zelda II right now instead of

this?

The game started you off as a character with Electric Blue hair, Peach skin, Teal jacket with the "Facebook" logo on the right side of the chest and khakis, and blue sandals with the tops that had White socks peaking out of them.

JofY: Great, I can no longer see in my imagination. Thanks for that.

CaptainPipsqueak: i Can SMeLl thE COLourS. Can yoU smEll THe COLOurs?

Fallen Prime: 1 C4N T4ST3 TH3M >:]

CaptainPipsqueak: ...you lucky bastard.

Crazy56U: Fonts are fun to use!

ToonGuy: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! NEVER ENDING STOOOORY! ANYTHING I SAY HERE SOUNDS BADASS!

Crazy56U: I CAN’T HEAR YOU

CaptainPipsqueak: Nope. Nope, you killed it. You killed it and fuck you.

Crazy56U: Somebody had to.

The top corner showed a red health bar and below that a blue magic bar.

JofY: Opposed to the normally plaid health bar and puke colored magic bar.

SC276: More like puke-colored story bar.

ToonGuy: All this talk of bars is making me thirsty! *places bottle in front* So who wants to crack first?

Scarlet: This game coded with baby’s first RPG system!

Crazy56U: This was made with Game Maker, wasn’t it.

The whole background was a forest that was only illuminated by the red moon behind them. The creepy thing that literally wanted to make me puke was the dead ponies everywhere,

JofY: *spits out water* WAIT, WHAT!?

RingmasterJ5: Imagine this guy at a murder scene. “He was wearing a fetching blue vest with matching jeans, there was a large tree in the distance… and oh yeah his head was ten feet away from his body.”

ToonGuy: They should have sent a poet….cause he would have done a better job.

CaptainPipsqueak: “I’m sorry; I should have mentioned that first, shouldn’t I? It’s just the scene was so inspiring…”

Crazy56U: (with fake enthusiasm) And with that, we’re ripping off Sonic.exe!

you'd think this was real becuase of the blood textures.

JofY: This game uses blood textures? Wow. Now you know it’s real.

SC276: If it’s a pixel-game, why would the designers in any capacity want a player to think it could be real? I almost feel embarrassed for gaming for being involved in any capacity in this story.

Crazy56U: Were they hyper-realistic, Jarom?

It was like someone took 3D Animation or a Live Video and put it into the game.

JofY: Why would a 2D game need 3D blood?

CaptainPipsqueak: Because...Oh look over there! It’s a bird!

JofY: Ooooh!

Crazy56U: So... It was like a video game?

Or it was real. No, that can't be, how could you use real blood in a videogame?

JofY: Swap the fake blood out for real one.

SC276: Can we swap out this story for a real one, then?

ToonGuy: I’ve got a voucher, we could try.

Crazy56U: You gotta use that C++, it makes magic happen.

I wasn't sure, but I hated the look of it.

JofY: Probably because of the poor art choices I mentioned earlier.

ToonGuy: Then knock it off! Just use that ESCAPE key.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Feh. I can make better blood textures than that, no problem! Just give me MS Paint and Photoshop, I’ll work wonders.”

So, I tested out the buttons.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Hmmm… (presses a button) (computer shuts down)”

JofY: [Jarom] “Alright, what about this one?”

W, A, S, D were to move and the N button was to attack and the M button was to fire a blue fire projectile.

SC276: OK, uh. If WASD is being used for movement, that usually means the mouse is being used by the other hand. Otherwise, you’d just use the arrows and probably Z and X for action keys.

Scarlet: Yeah, even on my tiny laptop keyboard the placement is a bit weird.

Crazy56U: But, what about the spacebar?

I walked forward slowly, almost like I was cautious not to step on any of the deceased animals on the ground.

JofY: How? You already said that there were dead ponies everywhere.

Crazy56U: By being cautious, duh.

Running now, fearing for my videogame life,

JofY: He might not be able to play Skyrim after this!

CaptainPipsqueak: Fus-Ro-Damnit!

SC276: Did he already forget his fake creepypasta game is supposed to be 2D?

ToonGuy: Also that he shouldn’t be able to play it!?

Crazy56U: This Let’s Play sucks.

CaptainPipsqueak: More like “Let’s Suck” amIrite?

I hurried to the end of the screen where there was the gloomy Discord from before, except he was holding a pony's head and blood was dripping from his mouth, hands, and down his body.

JofY: He had cut himself while shaving.

CaptainPipsqueak: I hate when that happens; it just goes on for hours.

ToonGuy: *glumly looks at his beardless chin* Lucky bastards.

Crazy56U: Holy shit, we are ripping off Sonic.exe!

I just about screamed at him to stop his killing spree when he edged closer to me.

JofY: ...Ewww.

SC276: Wait, in real life or was there an action key for actually doing that?

Crazy56U: Well, given how much bullshit and magic have been programed into this

game, maybe there is a “scream nonsense” key. ...the spacebar, maybe...

I tried to move backwards, but I was held in place by some invisible force.

JofY: Perhaps by an ‘invisible wall’ of some sort.

SC276: That’s called “being in a boss arena.” Have you never played a video game before?

Scarlet: They never notice the first fog gate.

Crazy56U: Uh oh, he doesn’t realize that this is a cutscene...

He continued to move toward me and I pressed every button on the keyboard, but to no avail.

SC276: Did that include actually shooting at him? With the blue fire projectile that you said you had?

Scarlet: Sssssh, that’s the third act twist!

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “ (while punching keyboard) Why! Isn’t This! WORKING?!”

He was coming closer to me and I decided to try and quit out of the game with Control-Alt-Delete. Not even that worked.

JofY: Okay, what about Alt+F4? Alt+Tab? Shutting off the computer?

CatainPipsqueak: ...unplugging it, something logical like that?

ToonGuy: Hold the power button down, wait for it to knock off?

SC276: How about the Escape Key? Even the Pointy-Haired Boss thought to try that.

Crazy56U: Delete System32, it will solve all of your problems.

He approached me and grabbed me with his bear paw and choked me.

Crazy56U: [Discord] “WHY YOU LITTLE!”

Then the game prompted me to mash the N button.

JofY: So, we have bad art choices, an excess of blood, and now, quick time events. Is this Castlevania: Lord of Shadows?

Scarlet: Okay, that IS creepy.

Crazy56U: So, now we’re ripping off Sonic Unleashed? Really?

I did and then it prompted me to mash the M button.

CaptainPipsqueak: Button, no! He had so much to live for! Take me instead, God; TAKE MEEEEE!

Scarlet: The game prompted me to do the hokey-pokey and turn myself about.

Crazy56U: And then it told him to mash the Shift key, but that just triggered Sticky

Keys, leading to Discord murdering him.

This didn't work, and the Master of Chaos shot a fireball which charred me and left my character realistically burnt and scarred unable to move.

JofY: The kind of realism that only comes from 8-bit.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pfft. Sixteen-bit for life, bitches.

Scarlet: A chiptune version of “Requiem” played softly.

Crazy56U: Wait, is this now a Mario creepypasta? What happened to this being about

Facebook? Not that I care all that much, but...

Blood dripping letters that were in capitals and a black screen faded in front of me that said

Crazy56U: “geeettttttt dunked on”

"Want to play again? Do you want me to make it easier to beat the Lord of Chaos?"

JofY: Would you like to play on easy? Wimp.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Do you want me to get you through the hard part?”

SC276: This creepypasta monster sucks at game design. Who puts two entire sentences in a stylistic-yet-likely-moderately-difficult-to-read font? I actually feel offended!

Scarlet: Discord trolls the game design community.

Crazy56U: [Discord] “Go on, pick Easy Mode, you baby scrub baby.”

I stupidly pressed yes went on playing the game.

SC276: You really ARE an idiot.

CaptainPipsqueak: And that’s why we love him!

ToonGuy: WE DO?!! Well that means I’ll have to cancel the heat seeking missile I was preparing to launch at his house.

Scarlet: He wouldn’t suffer that way, ToonGuy.

JofY: Besides, per my contract, I have to try and stop all ways of interrupting, corrupting, or ruining the fic, other than the standard method until we’re finished.

ToonGuy: You got a contract? I just assumed we all just got press ganged into doing this.

Crazy56U: Well... At least Jarom’s self-aware.

CaptainPipsqueak: Dumb as a sack of silverware, but self-aware.

I continued down the way past where he had choked me. I turned around and he was gone.

JofY: Oh, it was an in game story element!? Or is it just bad checkpointing?

For the moment. Just after that, Discord appeared behind me and chased me.

Scarlet: ...this was literally copy-pasted as a concept from the Godzilla NES creepypasta. Look that up. Seriously.

Crazy56U: When in doubt, plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize!

A text appeared above my character that almost seemed to shout at me saying "RUN!" This text flashed and I ran as fast as my keyboard could take me.

JofY: Translation: He held down a button.

CaptainPipsqueak: But thrillingly. Does anyone else feel thrilled?

ToonGuy: *picks up keyboard. Taps buttons* Look. I’m doing it. Wheeee.

SC276: ...I just sat here for like three minutes trying to figure out something that could properly respond this idiocy. I got nothing. This guy has never played a video game in his fucking life.

Crazy56U: Don’t worry guys, the keyboard is going to save the day!

But, every time I tried to run, I felt I was on a treadmill.

JofY: The game had glitched out.

Crazy56U: And so Jarom turned into Michael Jackson.

I couldn't go any faster and he was about to kill me.

Scarlet: The reason this worked in the source material is that Godzilla NES was never a game with chase segments. It was a weird, freaky thing that seemed to have inserted itself into the game, and wasn’t even initially dangerous so much as it was bizarre. Do you even know how to atmosphere?

Crazy56U: Please, everyone knows that atmosphere is a myth… Just like competent storytelling or decent characterization.

I turned around and mashed the M button to throw blue fireballs at him. That didn't work and not even the attack button helped. Proceeding that, the game showed another text saying "Hold the M button down to fire a super charged blast to stop the monster!"

JofY: Oh, this is all just a stupid tutorial.

CaptainPipsqueak: God, I hate those, especially if they’re unskippable.

Crazy56U: “Trust me, it totally will work, Pinkie Swear!”

I did so and my character proceeded to fire a blast which did make the Discord disappear, but to only reappear behind me. I again held the M button down and made him go away.

Scarlet: The end.

Crazy56U: Discord, teleport spamming is a shit thing to do...

Every time I did this, he would teleport to the other side and I'd have to shoot the blast at him again.

Scarlet: ...that’s the boss fight from Sonic.exe. This story is so lame it is actually legit just copying bits from video game creepypasta.

Crazy56U: But why Sonic.exe of all things? The author clearly has some semblance of quality, as seen in the ripping off of NES Godzilla Creepypasta, so why go for that?

This continued until he appeared in front of my character and proceeded to kill my character. The death was more realistic and gory this time.

JofY: Realistic, or gritty?

SC276: This guy has no idea how pixels work, does he.

ToonGuy: He has about as much knowledge as that goddamn Adam Sandler movie.

Crazy56U: Never bring that up ever again.

CaptainPipsqueak: He knows how to spell it, at least.

He took his eagle claw and pierced my heart all the way through and let blood spurt out in all directions, ripping my heart out

Crazy56U: He stole your heart, then? ...damnit, this is a ship fic!

ToonGuy: The very next day, he gave it away.

and-and- this next part's hard to tell.

JofY: ‘He... tickled me.’

CaptainPipsqueak: “Can you show us on this doll where the spirit of chaos touched you?”

Scarlet: Ishoy and Oiram next, you know you want to! Ooh, or maybe Ben Drowned!

Crazy56U: Dude, the Author’s writing isn’t that hard to read, stop kidding yourself.

He ate my heart.

JofY: *munching on a different heart* Hey, it’s delicious.

CaptainPipsqueak: If you say it tastes like chicken, I will fucking end you.

JofY: ...No, it tastes like beef. Why would you think a pony heart tastes like chicken?

SC276: Hard to tell? You just told it.

Crazy56U: (eats a box of candy hearts) ...eh... Don’t get the appeal...

And then threw my body to the ground and crushed my skull in sending brains and blood every which way.

JofY: GORE SUPLEX FOR THE WIN!!!!

SC276: Bet you’re wishing he turned ponies to stone now, huh?

CaptainPipsqueak: FATALI...no, that’s too easy.

Crazy56U: You have brains?!

The last screen I ever saw that was a message from this Devilish-Demonic-Discord was "That was a great game!

SC276: Come over here so I can stab you with my college transcript that makes me more of an expert on game design than you.

CaptainPipsqueak: Shit, I’ve been around for as long as video games have existed.

Scarlet: Gotcha! That was a fun duel!

Crazy56U: ...eh, better than Sonic Boom... 7/10 Too much pixels IGN

How about one last time? You win and I'll leave you guys alone! I win, and all of Facebook is gone forever!

JofY: Clearly random IT guy can make these kinds of decisions!

SC276: Well given the author’s bias, placing bets on this outcome seems counterproductive.

Scarlet: Facebook. Discord wants to destroy Facebook. Why? It seems like his kind of place!

Crazy56U: I love how Discord thinks this is a dire challenge, but really, it’s win-win.

How does that sound? Fair enough, isn't it?

JofY: Hmm… The possibility of destroying a company that employs thousands, or having to deal with an annoyance...

Crazy56U: Again, win-win.

Will you proceed?" I, foolishly, clicked yes and the last trial began.

JofY: Last trial? When did you finish the first?

CaptainPipsqueak: And a better question: When will we?

ToonGuy: Maybe this is what Purgatory is. Reading really stupid stories. Forever.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “First, though, I had to input my credit card information to

purchase more lives.”

It was the thing I shouldn't have done, because I was-

JofY: Already dead?

ToonGuy: A alien?

Crazy56U: Poked with a stick?

CaptainPipsqueak: Really fucking stupid?

well let me tell you, I won't spoil it.

Crazy56U: Get bent, sir. (pokes you with a stick)

Continuing on, my character now came across enemies who were undead ponies brought back to life by that Satanic creature.

JofY: Finally turning it into an actual game.

Scarlet: Unfortunately it was an unlicensed Dark Souls mod and was pulled from Steam.

Crazy56U: Huh, Discord let Lucifer make the final trial?

Some had their chests ripped open, some were missing parts of their brains, and others were losing a few limbs or more.

JofY: That part, made them quite useless as enemies.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Some were even dressed up as football players or disco stars-

wait, this is a Plants vs. Zombies clone…”

This was just getting too too real and intense that I had to tell someone about this atrocity that made it's way to me.

JofY: Pixilated ponies are just too real!

CaptainPipsqueak: Pixel-based ponies practically people? Perfect!

SC276: How about the guy that told you who Discord was? Come to think of it, if Facebook’s still starting up, the development team is probably small enough, and the development office small enough, that your shouts and screams from reacting to this game should’ve attracted attention. As someone who was part of a team of six that made a social media web app, I know these things. You should’ve drawn a crowd by now.

ToonGuy: I thought we mentioned that Mr Tester over here has no one who cares what he’s doing? Maybe this is like a regular thing and they’ve just decided it’s better for him to ride out this drug high on his own.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “But again, no friends, so anyone who decides to read this is close enough in my book…”

I moved on, with much guilt and sorrow, destroying these precious ponies lives that had now become an undead nightmare and a walking symbol of the horrible things that Hellish Beast Discord did.

SC276: Dude, they’re video game characters. This isn’t freakin’ Undertale here.

Scarlet: Not unless this is what happens when Discord attempts a Genocide run.

Crazy56U: Or, plot twist, a Pacifist run…

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m playing a sociopath run in Fallout 3. Just blew up Megaton, but not before killing everyone and cribbing their stuff. They’re going to atomized, right? Now I’m at Rivet City and playing nice.

Doubting I could ever save my company from its terrible fate,

JofY: Your company? You’re barely IT!

Scarlet: The protagonist, Mark Zuckerman.

Crazy56U: Motherfucking Jesse Eisenberg, Jesus Christ.

I decided to move forward, with more determination to defeat this awful murderer. The enemies didn't seem to get tougher, but there were more of them.

JofY: Oi! Padding foul!

SC276: Even more examples of crap design.

Scarlet: What we’ve established here is that Disord makes cheap-ass fake-hard video games that kill you in cheap ways to simulate difficulty.

Crazy56U: And thus this became a Plants vs. Zombies 2 ripoff...

At the end there were the Mane Six, my friend told me were the main characters of My Little Pony, (You know: Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy),

CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you for that. Now we all know for sure.

SC276: Your friend is there and yet he’s not reacting to anything on your screen?!

ToonGuy: Maybe it’s past tense or… OR maybe the friend is Discord and he’s already won and is just mocking IT Guy! And that’s the twist! …or not. I’m very tired.

Crazy56U: Again, Jarom uses Google and tries to make it seem like his life isn’t sad...

all with very wide eyes and small pupils and devilish grins with their mouths open unnaturally wide and their teeth unnaturally white.

JofY: They had just come from a trip to the dentist!

CaptainPipsqueak: They still had all the gritty stuff on them, too!

Scarlet: Literally ripped off from Creepypasta artwork, largely ZALGO-meme inspired. Jesus, at least Spike The Killer Baby had rag dolls!

Crazy56U: (grabs head) Goddamnit, I had blocked that out….

They looked like they were brainwashed or became insane after everypony ever was killed by Discord.

JofY: Props then to the PIXEL art for displaying that.

SC276: Why would they have white teeth at all in that case?

Scarlet: The mark of insanity is good dental hygiene.

Crazy56U: Or Pinkie had another cocaine party and everyone had a little too much fun, if ya catch my drift...

They all came towards me. I had no choice, no option. Some thought came into my mind to press "W, A, S, D, N, and M"

SC276: All at a time? The voice at your head sucks at making things clear.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ow! My Christing fuck; I knew it was a wall of text, but couldn’t one of you have dewalled it first?

RingmasterJ5: De-walling isn’t done here because the fics are presented in their original forms. If the people finding the fic had to suffer through the wall, so do you.

SC276: Y’know, except when people don’t put their riffs before the spaces between words so everyone else knows the paragraph continues, though I suppose that’s mostly my style choice…

CaptainPipqueak: Makes it harder to do. And technically, I guess we’re dewalling it as we go.

SC276: How is it harder to make sure the cursor is-? No, dropping it here, we’re tangeting.

CaptainPipsqueak: Tangents are fun. So are segues. Digressions are neat if you can pull them off. ... What were we talking about again?

Crazy56U: The death of Facebook by means of some spooky spaghetti.

I wasn't sure where, but I think the "Man Upstairs" clearly wanted me to beat this Satan-like creature and his pony squad.

JofY: Clearly God wants you to from the fact that...

SC276: Given he threatened the company, I would assume so, yes.

Scarlet: [Jesus] “How am I supposed to spread my word without social media? You have to win this, Whitebread IT Man!”

Crazy56U: Oh, great, as if the pile of crossovers/plagiarisms wasn’t big enough, now

you’ve roped “The LEGO Movie” into this!

So I did and the buttons shot a giant blue blast towards the ponies and annihilated all of them.

JofY: How did he get through them? He got through them.

Scarlet: I see that Discord forgot to disable the Konami Code.

ToonGuy: Well….that was rather anti-climactic.

Crazy56U: And now we can add Street Fighter to that pile! STOP RIPPING THINGS

OFF!

I didn't prepare for what happened next.

JofY: ‘I actually won something!’

CaptainPipsqueak: “I just had to send them my credit card number for security purposes.”

Crazy56U: And then the computer exploded.

The screen went dark and a high pitched, almost realistic scream was heard and then the demonic face of Discord appeared saying, "You Lost! You cheated!

JofY: ...How?

SC276: Yeah, exactly. It could only be in the game if you put it there! At which point, it’s barely a cheat!

Scarlet: He’s just mad because he hadn’t figured out how to do that combo himself and got stuck on this level.

Crazy56U: [Discord] “You were actually playing the game this time?! FUCK YOU!”

The game's over and I win!" I knew now I probably wouldn't keep my job after what I was entailed with doing.

JofY: Besides the fact that Facebook is now gone.

Scarlet: Because nobody at Facebook keeps back-ups of anything.

Crazy56U: And thus Discord blew up Facebook. THE END

Keeping the whole company alive.

JofY: Yes, it’s random IT guy’s job to keep an entire company afloat.

Crazy56U: Well, this is Alt-Facebook...

I failed. I even thought God was on my side.

Crazy56U: You honestly thought God wanted Facebook to be saved?! ... (violently

laughs)

I guess that was a cheat code, and it let Discord win because the program told it to.

JofY: ...Huh?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, sir; Captain Logic, right here, folks!

SC276: Why would he even put a freakin’ cheat code in there? I mean, I haven’t known Discord to play fair, but this takes place in an alternate continuity where Facebook is a startup, the author couldn’t possibly have known that!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, he also thinks people friend each other on 4chan, unless he’s being sarcastic or ironic or some form of ‘ic’.

Crazy56U: Because, according to the Author’s loose grasp of the subject, that’s how programming works. Either that or the Author took inspiration from GTA IV fucking you out of achievements if you used cheats...

Now I was ashamed. Just then, another final message appeared "Thanks for playing and I hope see you… in Hell!" The game quit out and my boss called me on the phone.

Scarlet: [Boss] “Jarom, we’ve talked about playing video games on company time. Especially those haunted ones!”

Crazy56U: [Boss] “Were you seriously playing that Discord fucker’s game?! I sent out a memo about this!”

He shouted through the phone"Get your freaking keister

CaptainPipsqueak: [Jarom] “I’m sorry, sir, but I assure you my keister most definitely does not “freak”.

Crazy56U: Because apparently in the timeline where Facebook’s creation got pushed

back 8 years, all swearing in the world got regressed to 1960s preschool level

nonsense.

ToonGuy: Gotta go BACK in time.

in here and tell me what the hay is going on!"

Crazy56U: ...either that, or Jarom’s boss is actually Twilight in disguise...

I replied "Yes sir."

I walked down the corridor of shame

CaptainPipsqueak: Carpeted with the Carpet of Woe.

SC276: Torches placed regularly along the walls…

CaptainPipsqueak: And the air filled with the wailings of fired secretaries who are chained there...

Crazy56U: And he was forced to walk down it completely naked while everyone

pointed and laughed at him.

ToonGuy: And with a note saying ‘KICK ME’ near his penis.

JofY: And it was badly lit. All and all, the feng shui was just terrible.

to his office where I knew he was going to fire me right on the spot. There, I opened the door and sat at his chair.

JofY: Wow, you are an idiot.

SC276: I know, right?

Crazy56U: Well, if he was going down, at least Jarom’s going down in a blaze of...

glory?

Scarlet: I can only assume he did it Riker-style, for extra points.

He clearly seemed more ticked off than usual, and that's saying something.

JofY: Maybe because you sat on HIS CHAIR!

Crazy56U: Nah, he had hemorrhoids.

A guy like him never gets more than ticked off. That's enraged. That's what he was like now.

SC276: That’s you. That’s what you sound like right now.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Thank for explain the mechanic of mad.

JofY: This is your brain on mad. Any questions?

"Jarom!" He yelled at me,

ToonGuy: Bless you!

Crazy56U: [Boss] “I thought I told you to change your stupid name!!!”

even though we were staring each other in the face

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, now Jarom’s face is going to be covered in spit...

"Do you know what you just did by letting whatever program that was into our servers?!"

Scarlet: [Boss] “I know it was you who did it because I backtraced it and you’ve been reported to the cyber police!”

Crazy56U: Ooh, ooh, let me guess, shenanigans?!

"No I don't sir…" I put my head down in shame.

SC276: Pretty sure you do, bubbleh.

Crazy56U: I know that this won’t be relevant in a bit, but how exactly did you get a job for Facebook again?

"You just erased all of our data and files to update Facebook and even the original code for it!

JofY: Because they never backed up their data.

SC276: He even got to their Git repository? And, y’know, everything on paper? Our web app development had a lot of paper.

CaptainPipsqueak: And portable media? DVD? Memory cards? Good fuck; do none of you understand the term ‘hard-copy backup’?

Crazy56U: Basically, Discord took a magnet to Facebook, killing it. Makes sense to me!

Do you know what this means?! Facebook no longer exists,

Crazy56U: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

and thanks to you, all of us lose our jobs!"

SC276: [boss] “Because it’s not like we can just try again since, given we were testing how to invite people to games, we all know what we’re doing now!”

ToonGuy: “Yes, we’re such a good company that just one employee can destroy everything we’ve worked for, and we won’t bother trying again, so everyone must go! I’M SUCH A SMARTIE!”

Crazy56U: Oh. ... ... ... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

"Sir- I didn't!"

"Yes you did! Now get out before I call a law enforcement officer to take care of you!"

CaptainPipsqueak: “Or thank you! Or punch you in the face! One of the three! Maybe

all three! Why am I yelling?!”

SC276: They’re called “police” or “cops,” boss-person.

CaptainPipsqueak: He wanted to use big fancy words so he doesn’t sound like the head of a company of buffoons.

ToonGuy: Too late.

Crazy56U: Or, you could pull out a gun and do it yourself, Mr. Boss...

I ran out of there and out of the building never ever to come back again.

JofY: ‘Should have probably gotten my stuff first.’

Scarlet: I don’t think he’ll miss it, it’s mostly NES cartridges with the name of the game written in sharpie.

Crazy56U: Except he returned five minutes later to try and get his last paycheck.

I was happy that now I could leave that hayhole of a place

Crazy56U: Yes, because even though you yourself used the word “Satanic”, using the phrase “hellhole” would just be silly!

that clearly wasn't for me after this life-threatening experience.

JofY: That’s not even counting the game!

Crazy56U: How was that life threatening, you sucked at video games when you

should’ve been working!

Now I would be doomed to exile after forcing the biggest Social Media company to go extinct and wiped off the face of this planet.

JofY: So now it’s no longer a startup?

SC276: This is why I try to avoid doing stuff when angry. Continuity goes out the window.

ToonGuy: How did you know what he ruined next? Bill Gates was pissed.

Scarlet: I remember the wild west days when Facebook exploded because of My LIttle Pony. Good times.

Crazy56U: But Facebook literally was just getting started in this universe, I doubt it

reached the level of “popularity” it did here! Calm down, you’re making this way

bigger than it should be!

I would just go home and be a bum for a couple weeks so I could find a job where the stress and pressure wasn't on me too much.

JofY: Uh… No, that is not what a bum is.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, bumism is kind of set on the theory that you lack a house.

ToonGuy: Actually, lacking a lot of things.

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure the implication is that he’s going to be evicted from his

house soon due to helping kill Facebook.

Only, I couldn't help thinking that that "Discord" character, the one who hacked my computer,

Crazy56U: Except no, that’s not what happened…

JofY: Oh, that rascally Discord.

probably was lurking around watching me somewhere.

SC276: ALWAYS WATCHING, WAZOWSKI. ALWAYS.

Crazy56U: Nah, I think he has better things to do than stalk your dumb ass. Like... ridding the world of social media websites. ...apparently...

Now I know, NEVER to trust any foreign message I get or any Social Media site ever again!

JofY: You’d think a company that’s on the internet would make sure it’s employees know about the concept of spam.

RingmasterJ5: Well, that was… something. Now for the sequel, “DiscordExe Part 2: Revenge of the Possessed Draconequus”

SC276: Oh god there’s more?!

ToonGuy: *head desks*

Crazy56U: G-guys, how did you not know? T-the name of this document is “The DiscordExe Trilogy”...

ToonGuy: I was hoping you’d just forget about it after reading the first story and let us all go home early…..I’m goddamn stupid.

Crazy56U: Well, you’re not wrong, this is a big #2…

JofY: It’s a comically oversized pencil?

Crazy56U: ...s-sure, let’s go with that.

Revenge of The Possessed Draconequus

SC276: So… wait, something is possessing Discord this time?

ToonGuy: You mean aside from bad writing?

Crazy56U: Drugs are possessing Discord. This is about to turn into a Very Special

Episode.

Preface:

Crazy56U: “This is the point of no return, turn back now…”

The " " program

JofY: The main characters from ‘No Game No Life’?

SC276: I wish. They might actually make this interesting.

RingmasterJ5: Oh, right, expect this a lot. FFNet removes all links, and it repeatedly caught “Discord.exe” as one. The author never bothered to go back and fix it because that’d be too much work, so you’re stuck with the main villain being referred to as two empty quotation marks from here on out.

ToonGuy: Well this story is certainly empty, so I can’t argue with that.

CaptainPipsqueak: Does this mean the villain is Old Man Saunders in a ghost costume, scaring away visitors so he can keep the pirate treasure and he would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids?

SC276: Don’t forget their dog.

CaptainPipsqueak: Scooby or Scrappy? Because Scrappy can fuck right off.

ToonGuy: And as for Scooby GODDAMN Dum… well, that’s one dog who won’t go to heaven.

Crazy56U: And now I’m being reminded of that one fucking episode of Family Guy, thanks for that.

that had destroyed the life of Jarom Jezrel and the popular Social Media site, "Facebook", now intended to do worse.

JofY: He was going to bring it back!

Crazy56U: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

He was looking to eradicate all of the Social Media sites.

SC276: ALL of them.

ToonGuy: BUT HOW WILL WE SURVIVE WITHOUT TINDER?!?!?

JofY: Uh… The whole internet can be thought of one whole social… thing. Does it plan to destroy all internet? What about sites that have social elements to them like FIMfic? Sure, it’s main purpose is not to be social, but it has social elements to it. Is Skype included, or is it just internet sites? That’s quite a vague statement.

CaptainPipsqueak: Wouldn’t that be kind of like trying to destroy air at this point?

Scarlet: Discord- also North Korea.

Crazy56U: Why? Is it because nobody would like his posts or whatever?

This "program" was more than your average "computer program".

JofY: It was a “programed computer”!

Crazy56U: It was a cartoon character!

It was actually a "he". Crazy56U: Well, makes sense, Discord is a dick, so logically he should have one...

A "he" who was the ghost of an enraged soul who had been driven to suicide after his "so called" friends" had made fun of him because he told them he was a "Brony" or a "Bro" that likes "My Little Pony".

RingmasterJ5: “You’re” “using” “too” “many” “quotes”.

JofY: Given that quotes that aren’t of a proper noun, are meant to be sarcastic, does that mean that he was only pretending to be a fan or something?

SC276: I’m guessing that the author’s not one himself, given “Bro” is not an abbreviation of brony.

Crazy56U: Whelp, it’s that time once again to reference Supernatural!

Scarlet: ...I’m going to play my “get out of rant free card” by saving my thoughts on this chestnut to the end. May NaturalGlitch’s benevolent riffing spirit preserve me.

Revenge what was this awful spirit wanted. It was so that each of his "friends", worked at each of the Social Media sites:

JofY: Ain’t that just a mighty big coincidence.

Scarlet: What, were they planning to build a literal social media empire?

Crazy56U: Each earning a paycheck at each individual amount based on each quality of

work done by each of them.

"Facebook", "Twitter", "Tumblr", "YouTube", and the most evil that spirit thought about everyday, the place that his "friends" had "de-friended" him, "4chan".

JofY: Okay, that thing I told you to remember, I’m bringing it back up. Was Jarom, or whatever, friends with him? Because, he casually mentions that he heard about Discord from a friend! He doesn’t mention that the person who said it, he unfriended, or that person offed himself or anything! You’d think that might have been important!

SC276: The author is clearly writing by just pouring his unleaded rage onto his keyboard. He doesn’t give two fucks about continuity.

ToonGuy: Yeah, what schmucks would care about that? …...Goddamn it.

Scarlet: I’m just gonna be jerk and note that if you expected anything less than jackassery on 4chan, you might not have been born with common sense.

Crazy56U: Holy fuck, technically, my “nobody liked Discord’s posts” theory was right!

The devil of all Social Media sites.

RingmasterJ5: You know, 4chan! That place with the… friends list…

CaptainPipsqueak: This guy probably thinks the Internet is a series of tubes.

SC276: Who does this guy think he is, Chris-chan?

Scarlet: He’s too low-level dork to be Chris-chan. Also Chris-Chan would’ve included Deviantart in his list of targets.

Crazy56U: No, Author, that would be Tumblr. Trust me.

CaptainPipsqueak: Honestly, I think if every one of these sites vanished, the entire

planet would heave a sigh of relief and fill the void with something valid.

The five friends had gone to a psychic and found that their friend, after killing himself, was now haunting them using " " as revenge for their terrible crimes of bullying against him.

JofY: “Aw man, my computer has been acting up… Probably haunted.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Well. that’s what you get for buying a Mac.”

Crazy56U: Never thought quotation marks could be used as a weapon...

They have made an "invincible firewall",

Crazy56U: Ah, so they invented McAfee. ...should’ve invented Norton...

although one of them forgot to install it.

JofY: How? A vengeful spirit is after him! I think that’d take priority in one’s daily life!

SC276: Also, if they made a firewall capable of keeping stuff of that caliber out, how have they not set the new market standard and are rich right now?

ToonGuy: Nah, they’ve succumbed to Lex Luthor Syndrome.

CaptainPipsqueak: Does this mean at some point one of them will steal forty cakes? Because that’s terrible.

Crazy56U: Because it was Happy Hour over at the local Sonic and, hey, half priced

slushees, who wouldn’t want that? Disclaimer: I fucking hate Sonic and their fucking

commercials.

This is how this "friend" of this corrupted spirit was tortured by " ".

CaptainPipsqueak: Damn that “ “; damn him all to * *!

Scarlet: It’s like the author forgot to erase his placeholder.

Crazy56U: He was tortured by nothing, so, technically, the story’s over before it

began.

Chapter 2: Joseph Jordan

Scarlet: Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Part IX: Discord.exe is Unbearable.

Crazy56U: chew

September 2013

Hey, my name's Joseph Jordan,

CaptainPipsqueak: Hi, Joseph!

SC276: And now the author remembers he’s trying to write a creepypasta.

ToonGuy: Yeah, as someone who doesn’t read that many creepypastas, aren’t they supposed to be….I don’t know, going out on a limb here, stop me if you’ve heard this one before….creepy?!

Crazy56U: “and I’m here today to talk to you about Rogaine.”

I work for Twitter.

CaptainPipsqueak: Apt. My first thought was “This man is a twit.”

Crazy56U: ...why?

CaptainPipsqueak: My statement or his?

Crazy56U: Sorry if that confused you, that was directed to the guy who is willingly

working for Twitter. ...again, though, why?

CaptainPipsqueak: The Reason, you fool! The Reason!

ToonGuy: 42. That’s why.

My job is to check messages to make sure none of them are corrupted or with viruses.

JofY: Ah yes, those deadly 140 character coded tweets.

SC276: Judging from every Direct Message I’ve ever got, Joseph, you’re failing.

Scarlet: Ever-watchful for the Spam of Dio Brando.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “This is, of course, the most boring job in the world.”

It's really easy, I have a program to check them, but occasionally a questionable one will come through.

JofY: It’s called: porn.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or, as we call it, half the internet’s reason to exist.

ToonGuy: The other half is to do with cats….

Crazy56U: And God help you if you combine them...

I check it and either delete it, or keep it.

SC276: Why would you keep malware again? Besides for emailing to your antivirus software developer of choice, with proper notice?

CaptainPipsqueak: To surprise a friend?

Scarlet: Clearly Jojo is doing it in order to use it as a secret weapon against the return of the Pillar Men!

Crazy56U: Maybe he just collects viruses for fun...

There was such a program, after I had found out " " used to be my friend, Jeremy Michaelson, who offed himself when we were teasing him for being a "Brony".

JofY: What is this fic and people with names starting with J?

ToonGuy: Maybe they’re part of a club. The J-Stars?

SC276: And how could he possibly know this anyway?

Crazy56U: Well, there are worse names. Like Derek (drops a thing on the table), for

example.

I still regret it and blame myself for what happened. I try not to dwell on the past.

CaptainPipsqueak: “...I mean, I only destroyed his career. It’s not like it’ll haunt him for the rest of his life. Water under the bridge, right?”

Crazy56U: After all, until time travel is invented, what’s the point?

Anyway, a message appeared on my anti-virus software. It was from "Discord: The Master of Chaos" with the demonic draconequus profile picture.

Scarlet: This must be the work of an enemy Stand!

JofY: Or of a leet hacker.

Crazy56U: Figures Discord likes to selfie...

I hesitated.

JofY: ‘Did the demon manage to actually change my anti-virus into something social?’

` Crazy56U: [Joseph] “Aw, man, I didn’t actually want to work today…”

I didn't want my boss to fire me because Twitter would be destroyed, but if I didn't click on it, he would just do it anyway.

JofY: He would click on the link?

SC276: I don’t think you understand how computers work. Actually, I read the last fic; I know you don’t understand how computers work.

CaptainPipsqueak: I actually think I may be getting smarter.

Crazy56U: Oh God, this is actually making me upset...

So, being the complete dumb person that I was, I checked this out.

Crazy56U: Okay, being self aware doesn’t justify crap. You don’t know for sure that

not clicking the link would be as bad as clicking it. CALL YOUR BOSS AND ASK FOR

HELP.

I should have never clicked on that message.

JofY: Even though you had to click on it… clicking on it was stupid...

SC276: If you knew it would be stupid, why would you fucking do it?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Because he’s stupid, stupid.

Scarlet: Jojo, you fool! Where do you think that link has sent me flying to?

Crazy56U: Why didn’t you just take the third option and smash the computer?

It was my end of my great career at a very well-paying social media industry and the end of all that was Twitter.

RingmasterJ5: And everyone breathed a sigh of relief knowing that their conversations wouldn’t be limited to 140 characters anymore.

Crazy56U: yaaaaaay

CaptainPipsqueak: wooooo

ToonGuy: *pulls out a party hat and places it on head* Go team.

Just like Facebook, I was expecting this to completely erase all of everything that was Twitter.

JofY: Because again, they never backed up anything!

Crazy56U: You literally already essentially just said that.

CaptainPipsqueak: These people are too stupid to get out of bed.

Scarlet: In the words of Harry Markopolous: “[he can] count to twenty-one if he takes off his pants.”

This day was a day to be remembered,

JofY: Yes today, August… wait… What’s today’s date?

Crazy56U: Heh, cute, you’re comparing this to Pearl Ha-

a day which I lived in infamy for the rest of my life, the bombing of My Career and Life Harbor.

Crazy56U: UMMMMMMMMMM...

JofY: But what will we do for Life Day without Life Harbor!?

CaptainPipsqueak: I dunno. But as long as Wookiees aren’t involved, I’m sure we can cope with it.

(To those of you who respect those who died at Pearl Harbor,

JofY: [Author] “If don’t like, don’t read!”

I do as well and I do not in anyway disregard their sacrifices for our country.

JofY: [Author] “But let me just toss a land mine right at my feet. What could go wrong?”

Crazy56U: UMMMMMMMMMM...

It was just something that sounded good to use-DiscordXChaos)

Crazy56U: UMMMMMMMMMM...

SC276: OK, one, author messages in the middle of the text. Two, equating anything this stupid to Pearl Harbor, you insensitive clod.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I’ve seen people do 9/11 based stories or “This person just died; I should puke out a thousand word story and wait for the upvotes for the feels” stories. The backlash is literally orgasm-inducing.

Scarlet: Given the Jojo kick this chapter name sent me on, may I propose we feed this guy to a vampire?

ToonGuy: Only if it’s a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE. Like Alucard.

Crazy56U: Better idea: let’s get drunk.

I foolishly clicked on the message, and it sent me to a game that was its own website in its own browser.

SC276: Three, it would open a new tab, at worst.

JofY: Wait, its own browser!? When did that download?

Crazy56U: So, wait, Discord invented his own browser along with his own game? Hell, what the fuck kind of game needs its own brow-

This game was in a 2d platform style similar to Five Nights At Freddy's 4 (Copyright Scott Cawthon).

JofY: ...oh fuck no.

Crazy56U: Oh, GOD, we’re- we’re just nosediving into the ground at this point!

RingmasterJ5: FNAF4 wasn’t even in a “2D platform style”...

Crazy56U: Maybe in this timeline it is, but that would be justifying the Author’s crap,

so...

SC276: Actually, there was for a short time a “Five Nights at Freddy’s 4” platform game that someone put on mobile platforms. Scott sued for invoking detriment to his brand or somesuch and had it taken down.

CaptainPipsqueak: Stop defending the author. It makes me queasy.

Except it looked exactly like my bedroom at home… in my apartment.

JofY: Oh no! That must mean something… Possibly!

Scarlet; This must be the work of an Enemy Stand!

Crazy56U: Oh no! The game’s been modded!

I didn't know what to think, but it definitely was "What the cotton candy was stinking going on!?"

SC276: Well offhand, I’d say what was going on is you clicked a link you know you shouldn’t have clicked and why did anyone even hire you.

CaptainPipsqueak: And he’s also working for another company that doesn’t hard back-up their data. Why are these people allowed near computers?

ToonGuy: Also, that you’re a grown ass man who just asked “What the cotton candy was stinking going on?”

Crazy56U: USE ACTUAL SWEARS YOU CHUCKLEFUCK!

I know my bedroom has a door to the left and a closet at the right side. There was a window at the middle, over-looking the street and the houses below the apartment building. My dresser was at the left of the window and the right side had my desk with my flat-screen and my Xbox One on top of it

Scarlet: Jojo’s Totally Mundane Bedroom.

Crazy56U: This episode of “This Old House” is shit.

. The closet had my dress-shirts, suit coats, ties and tie hanger on it, and my polos hanging up and my books on the shelf above of Dragon Ball Z, Naruto, Bleach, any anime you could think of a guy could like, were hanging up everywhere on my walls.

JofY: Even Monster Musume?

SC276: So, half of them are hentai?

CaptainPipsqueak: Aren’t they usually?

Scarlet: Somehow I doubt Jojo has posters of Revolutionary Girl Utena.

Crazy56U: What about “Puella Magi Madoka Magica”? “One Punch Man”? “The

Amazing World of Gumball”?

I was a "anime freak" as they would call it.

Crazy56U: You mean “otaku”. And I hate that I know that phrase.

Scarlet: Actually… no. “Otaku” is what western weebs call it, but contextually “anime freak” is a great translation. Hell, they used it in Space Dandy’s dub for that exact word. Points for not being as terrible as usual, person!

Crazy56U: Thank you for educating us, but I still don’t like that I know the phrase “otaku”...

ToonGuy: There is a solution to that. *holds out bottle*

Crazy56U: Thank you kindly. (puts head on table) Swing as hard as you can, don’t hold back.

Now I knew my friend hadn't been to my apartment, because the year he had committed suicide, all of my friends were still in high school and I was living in my parent's place. We had met using '4chan". I know, you are thinking, "4chan? Isn't that where Slenderman was created?"

JofY: Actually I was thinking: ‘You can make lasting relationships on 4chan?’

SC276: I was thinking “Isn’t 4chan famously where everyone is anonymous?”

CaptainPipsqeak: Nonono. This is 4chan: Where Everyone Knows Your Name.

Scarlet: And that name is “Anon”.

Crazy56U: Look, unless 4Chan has Norm, I don’t like it having that motto…

I know, I know

Crazy56U: Yeah, no, I don’t think ya do!

but at the time, we had no idea. We just chatted like regular friends do on message boards, talking about things we like and no one caring why we liked them or the reason we did.

JofY: Okay, fic, you’ve somehow managed to make something more B.S. than a ghost that wants to destroy all social networks. Stop now.

RingmasterJ5: “The horrendous gore that was constantly being posted in our ’personal threads’ was a deterrent, but we powered through it.”

SC276: I’ve only read like archives of quest threads on that thing, and I know this guy has no idea what he’s talking about.

Crazy56U: I have very little knowledge of how 4Chan operates, because I avoid that

site like the plague, but I extremely doubt the Author even knows what 4Chan is...

So I knew my friend Jeremy didn't know what my apartment looked like.

JofY: But for some reason, you trusted him enough to exchange names.

ToonGuy: “Well hi, random stranger, here are the keys to my house!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Why is this character ALIVE?!

Scarlet: Joseph Joestar’s Steel Ball Run equivalent is kinda lame.

Crazy56U: Except for that time Jeremy broke in and crashed on his couch.

But, this spirit did and I figured "If I don't figure out this game and how the layout of my apartment works in this game, then I may as well quit my job now."

JofY: Every member of Twitter has a minor in some form of supernatural work.

SC276: Can he just not hold down the power button until the power cuts? That’s a hardware thing, a program can’t change that.

Scarlet: He can’t because again, this is the work of an enemy Stand! ..and on my third time repeating this, I realize that honestly that would make more sense as an explanation than what we’ve had so far.

Crazy56U: So... quit, then...

I was very nervous, because I didn't want to be laid off because of my stupidity in playing this fudgesicled-up game.

JofY: This shit-up game?

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Fudgesicled-up’? Oh shit; that’s going on my list.

ToonGuy: What is this guy’s fascination with sweet things!?

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, I know that you know how to properly swear, jackass, stop

doing this shit!

I needed to call my boss.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “I needed hugs.”

Although, right now the game was calm.

JofY: Best to wait till the absolute last second to let others know.

Crazy56U: Cue jumpscare.

The premise of the game "Five Nights at Freddy's 4", was to check the doors and the closet for the "Nightmare Animatronics" that lurk around every corner.

JofY: Wait a sec, if this is a year after the previous fic.... FNAF 4 hasn’t been made yet! I call hax!

Scarlet: [Jeremy] “How do you like that, Jojo? This is the power of my Stand, Nice Sprites! It teleports creepy video games from the future!”

Crazy56U: And the hallways, dumbass, you gotta check them too...

Only, this concept applied to my bedroom. I would have to look for the "animatronic" who was the demonic " "

RingmasterJ5: Ever been jumpscared by demonic quotation marks? Shit’s… well, not really intense at all, actually. They just kind of… float… at you.

ToonGuy: Kind of the Creepypasta equivalent of a ghost train. Things just sort of hop out and make odd noises.

SC276: So you’re starting on Night 5? Can’t creepypasta characters come up with a decent-ass game for once? Or at least something like that one shooter where killing an enemy deleted one of your computer’s files?

Crazy56U: Quotation marks are not demonic, try again.

I knew I would have to check my closet, the window, and my door. I could do this!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, most people can check their closets, windows and doors, barring some form of physical injury.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “I could probably not fuck up!”

I could defeat this terrible and wicked program.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh. You meant that.

Crazy56U: Which you could’ve done minutes ago by turning off the computer and not

playing the game...

I just didn't know how.

SC276: If Markiplier couldn’t get through the first night on his own, I don’t have high hopes for you.

Scarlet: To be fair, Markiplier tends to jump back when attacked by large enough dust bunnies.

Crazy56U:

I just hope I have the strength to defeat the "thing" that took down "Facebook" forever. Wait, maybe not forever!

JofY: It’s just most of forever.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “Maybe just for an eternity, that sounds good...”

What if I took out this dreaded monster and rid the world of him, maybe that would change everything back to normal!?

JofY: ...Okay, everyone it’s time for your new favorite game: “Guess! His! Age!” He has just said that if somehow the coding for Facebook reappeared, the company would still be around to use it or something. With this lack of knowledge of how the world works, Guess! His! Aaaaaaaaage!

ToonGuy: Uh, I’ll put down five bucks on him being… five to seven?

SC276: Dude, the virus deleted Facebook, it didn’t steal it.

Crazy56U: This isn’t “Jumanji”, dude, winning the game doesn’t mean everything is

reset!

No no no, I would get completely killed in the game by this demonic software.

JofY: He’d die if he won?

CaptainPipsqueak: So we bet on a straight-up victory, then?

Scarlet: My theory of this actually being rejected JJBA material grows in credence.

Crazy56U: Wait, now your defeatist, what’s with the mood swing?

Sorry for my ranting, let's begin!

JofY: Okay, let’s see a guy play a game in a purely text based format.

CaptainPipsqueak: Five dollars says he gets trapped in a maze of twisty little passages all alike, ten says he’s eaten by a Grue.

Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, Joseph got possessed by the narrator for a bit...

The game comprised of me checking everywhere in the room.

JofY: This is a platformer.

SC276: Protip: if you’re going to make a creepypasta about a video game, play a fucking video game first.

Crazy56U: And now FNAF 4 became a point-and-click adventure game. I want to eat

glass.

It was painstaking difficult and boring at the same time because I was doing the same thing over and over, still pressured into waiting for the monster to pop out of anywhere.

Scarlet: I think he’s just copying reviews of FNAF 4 and adding editorials at this point.

Crazy56U: Wasn’t the Author’s original intent with this series to shit on social media websites he didn’t like? He should probably go back to that...

The game was you watching for the animatronics, "Foxy", "Chica", "Bonnie", and "Freddy". Now, it seemed like the game was just looking for "Nightmare Fredbear". That consisted of just one animatronic who was more overpowered than the rest of the chaotic crew. He could get you from almost anywhere.

SC276: God fucking damn, he is on Night 5. I WAS JOKING.

Crazy56U: I think it’s clear how this happened...

I looked and looked and looked until finally, in the closet, I saw something. Red eyes that stared back at me, with glowing intent.

JofY: It wanted to put glow paint all over him!

CaptainPipsqueak: “It puts the glow paint on it’s skin, or else it gets the hose again!”

Crazy56U: Dear God, don’t turn into porn...

Then "BAM!".

JofY: Apparently the spirit just shot the guy.

Scarlet: Bad Ass Motherfuckers.

Crazy56U: Emeril Lagasse?! What’re you doing here?!

A giant face of the demonic Discord animatronic appeared on screen and a loud scream pierced my ears, making me fall over and hit the back of my head on the ground. I got up and kept playing.

JofY: ...Uh, it’s a bit late for that.

ToonGuy: Also, you’re taking this well. This was me, I’d have given up by this point.

Crazy56U: Yeah, fuck the potential concussion you may have, you’ve got a website to

fail to save!

Unfortunately to my dismay, the screen had a red text with blood oozing from it saying "Do you want to try again? Who's up for Night 2?

JofY: Skip this level, surely then you can then beat the harder version of this.

SC276: This series actually offends me with its base lack of video game knowledge!

Scarlet: I have a plan. *dramatically smashes the computer* See? Not even hard!

Crazy56U: (computer magically repairs itself) whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

This time it'll be different. Do you want to play again? I'll give you a real challenge this next time around."

SC276: Y’know, even though he died the first time. Why are you even bothering with the pretense if everything’s rigged in your favor? Just delete Twitter already.

Crazy56U: Is the challenge a game of Pong?

The two options, yes or no appeared. Maybe it was because I was dazed and mighty heart-struck by the jumpscare from earlier,

Crazy56U: Okay, “dazed” confirms that you have a concussion, but combined with the

heart thing makes me think that you’ve gone into shock and are now dying. ...please

die faster...

ToonGuy: It’s like Jacob’s Ladder, except if the man who wrote it had never seen

anything scary before.

but I still persevered on.

Scarlet: Lamest. Jojo. Protagonist. Ever.

Crazy56U: Hmm... make a joke, or groan in pain... ...eh, both... (groan)

The next game that appeared, after I clicked the "Yes" button, was an arcade game similar to the one's in Five Nights at Freddy's 3 (Again, Copyright Scott Cawthon)

Crazy56U: I hope to God he sues you for this.

CaptainPipsqueak: And then burns your house down. With lemons.

ToonGuy: AND DOES SOMETHING EVEN WORSE. WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE..

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, too far, man. Too far.

ToonGuy: Sorry…..long day.

CaptainPipsqueak: You never invoke the Mountain Dew curse unless he’s killed

people.

you get when you try to please all the spirits to get the good ending. It was the blood red moon, black forest background from the game that Jarom played,

SC276: [narrator] “...which I somehow know about…”

Scarlet: Which I’m sure will look amazing rendered as an early arcade game.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “and I know that despite not taking part in the first story is the same reason why this virus is threatening to delete Twitter if I don’t beat FNAF: because shut up.”

only in "Atari" style. The ponies dead in the background were all still scary, as their bodies were also almost realistic.

JofY: Can someone please tell me why Creepypasta writers have this insistence that things are realistic?

SC276: Atari. Realistic. Author, do you even see yourself write?

CaptainPipsqueak: I think this guy just thinks ‘2600’ is a series of numbers.

Crazy56U: Yes. Realistic Atari-style blocks you PIECE OF FUCK

Pushing forward, fighting back fear and terror, I walked through the level as the man who had a pink outfit with the blue "Twitter" logo on it and blue spiked up hair.

JofY: On the plus side, seeing that, he was no longer scared.

Scarlet: Maximum Anime Levels detected.

Crazy56U: Man, Sonic sure fell on hard times after he became human and starting

working for Twitter...

He was taking a stroll, no fleeing for his life, through the demonic wasteland.

JofY: Maybe it was just taking in the beauty of everything.

Crazy56U: Man, taking a Sunday walk through Hell is just the best...

As he got to the end, it got darker and darker until blood appeared on the screen and a red text with blood under it appeared saying "You lost, you got caught!

SC276: Are you fucking serious. Just “you lose,” without any warning, prompt, or even instructions?! DO U EVEN GAME

JofY: Clearly this was a hunting game with Metal Gear V’s mechanics and he was supposed to punch a tree several times in order to start crafting cover. In an Atari pixel format.

Crazy56U: BY WHAT?! THE BLOOD?!?!

How about Night 3!? You have one more chance to make your chances of saving your precious Twitter to an all time, never-getting-hacked-again status.

JofY: So if he wins, they will be hacked? Or maybe it’s that since the company still exists, they can be hacked and he’s twisting words?

Crazy56U: Joseph, buddy, at this point, it’s obvious that Twitter’s getting deleted no

matter what he says. Just turn off the computer and go get lunch, or something...

Are you ready for the Final Night!?" No no no no nope nope nope nope… I can't do this. I can't risk all of Twitter being completely wiped out because of my stupidity!

Crazy56U: And so, he calls his boss-

But, I must do it for my company!

Crazy56U: (slams head into table)

ToonGuy: FOR GREAT JUSTICE.

What if I don't?

SC276: Then we could all go home early! Fucking quit, ya moron!

ToonGuy: Argh, I’ve got DOCTOR WHO TO WATCH!!! DO SOMETHING YOU IDIOT.

Crazy56U: Then life as we know it will be marginally better off. Quit while you’re

“ahead”, Joseph.

I would probably die or Twitter would get deleted anyway. So I pressed "Yes" and continued.

SC276: There are not enough Floweys in the world to say how much of an idiot this guy is.

Scarlet: But they’re all going to anyway! *dramatically reveals an army of alt-timeline Floweys*

SC276: ...How determined are you?

Crazy56U: I hope to God this results in you getting stabbed with a spork, you dumbass.

The "Final Night" was a version of the camera checking from Five Nights at Freddys 1-3 (also Copyright Scott Cawthon).

Scarlet: OH really? After the first couple of times, I thought this one would be copyrighted to Disney.

Crazy56U: (glares)

Only, the goal here was to make the main villain never come to your office, or you were automatically dead.

JofY: Instead of in the real game where you’re supposed to die horribly.

Scarlet: What, the main villain is your boss and you’re playing video games on company time?

Crazy56U: Really, I thought it was wait until 6AM... I mean, there are instances of 6AM

being reached just as the jumpscare plays...

I tried, and the audio, which was an audio clip of Pinkamena's (insane Pinkie Pie's) laugh, played.

SC276: OK, why reference FNaF 1 and 2 if you’re just going to use 3’s mechanics?

Crazy56U: Because the Author has clearly stopped caring.

The creature moved from one room to the next.

JofY: Oh, the horror....

Crazy56U: Ah, so it was like most things.

I had done this several times when finally, he left, but I couldn't find him. I thought this was it! I was done! I couldn't work at Twitter after what I did. then moved to the camera close to my room. I clicked on the room way away from my room and played the audio, but it didn't happen.

SC276: Your audio broke. Reboot it.

Scarlet: On second thought, don’t. I want you to suffer.

Crazy56U: Oh dear, the audio drivers are fucked.

I continued this and he didn't leave.

JofY: Didn’t leave? You don’t know where it is!

Crazy56U: [Creature] “I just want to be friends! Why don’t you like me?!”

I had no choice but to give up.

SC276: I said reboot the audio, you goddamn moron.

Crazy56U: Yes. Lie down on the floor and cry. You just fucked everything up.

Again, the demon jumpscared me and this time I was ready.

JofY: He wasn’t wearing pants to crap in.

Crazy56U: He was already on the floor.

I shuttered just a little bit and I almost got scared.

SC276: Congratulations on not being scared of a FNaF jumpscare on the second go-round. It only took Markiplier, what, a dozen deaths before that happened.

Scarlet: Again, dust-bunnies.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a dust buster, gives it to Scarlet) Here, now you can shut up about those dust bunnies...

But, I knew I couldn't win.

JofY: After all, you spoiled it for us.

Crazy56U: Well, it’s kinda hard to win at this point given how, you know, you already

lost?

Goodbye career. Proceeding the insta-death, a screen appeared. "Good try!

JofY: “You get a gold star!”

Crazy56U: “You almost tried this time!”

Now Twitter is completely wiped off the map!

JofY: Oh, he didn’t destroy their servers, he just made it impossible to find their offices.

SC276: So, Twitter became Hogwarts?

Crazy56U: I’d like to imagine that this is playing in the background, just to insult

Joseph some more... Well, either that or because I want to be happy again.

Great! Awesome job! You are amazing! You let your entire company down by losing a game against the Master of Chaos! Ha-ha-ha!"

SC276: Is it really that satisfying to win a game you’re guaranteed to win?

ToonGuy: It’s a bit like watching that one rich kid who pays off all the other players to let him win a game of football. Why watch if you know the outcome?

Scarlet: Obsessive hate-reading?

Crazy56U: [Discord] “Yeah, you could beat my rigged-as-shit unbeatable games! Get

rekt, scrub!”

The game closed and I cried there for five minutes

JofY: Wimp.

Crazy56U: Suck it up, you big baby, you could've avoided this had you stopped being a dumb sack of crap.

until I called my boss, tears still in my eyes, but I held them back.

"Sir-sir-s-" I choked.

Scarlet: And died of asphyxiation a few minutes later.

Crazy56U: Good.

"Yes what is it!? I don't have a lot of- wait I'm getting another call." He switched lines and then a few minutes later, switched back to my line. "Yes what do you want!? I know that our Twitter servers is offline, all of it is gone! What happened!?"

SC276: [boss] “...and the redundant servers, are you freakin’ kidding me? Is this anytime like the time half of the AT&T servers failed because their new version had a cascading DoS bug?”

Scarlet: No, no they reversed the polarity of the neutron flow by enhancing the image and isolating it. Makes perfect sense!

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure the virus simply peed on the servers until they broke.

"I-I-I-" I tried to make into words "I couldn't help it! I knew that this virus was going to wipe out all of our data! I tried to stop it! I couldn't!

SC276: That’s because you didn’t shut off your computer because you did the same thing the idiot from Facebook did!

The virus completely took out all of our servers! Please… don't fire me sir!"

Scarlet: [Jojo] “Fire the guy who designed our security measures, he’s clearly to blame for this shit!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, no, your ass is grass, kid.

My boss paused for a few minutes and then responded, angry but calm "Hey- I understand your feelings and the thoughts you had, and how you had to save this company.

JofY: ...How did the boss know this?

Scarlet: He was watching the whole thing on youtube as this guy uploaded it as a Let’s Play, of course!

Crazy56U: [Boss] “I mean, yeah, you are dead to me now, but…”

But, I can't allow something like this to happen again.

Crazy56U: [Boss] “I’m coming down to your station right now. I have a shotgun. Running will only make things worse for you.”

I'm switching you to a different department.

JofY: Because the supernatural virus needs the man to be in IT for it to work.

Crazy56U: [Boss] “The broom closet. You can’t manage to not destroy our shit? You

can’t be trusted to use a computer. You’re the janitor now. Fuck you.”

Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I knew this would happen,

JofY: You knew this would happen? You knew that a supernatural ghost would torment a person that said ghost was previously harmed by and that would lead to Twitter having all of it’s data removed? Actually here’s a better idea he could have done. Fire Jojo before all of this. That way Jojo no longer can access the servers, and the ghost can no longer get into Twitter’s servers to destroy it, or however it works.

Crazy56U: [Boss] “My fortune cookie said so. Never thought that fortune would come

true, but…”

so I saved a backup where the computer virus couldn't find it."

SC276: Twitter, smarter than Facebook? I’m not sure whether that’s stupid or

completely accurate.

I answered hesitantly "Sir, you know he'll go to no end to find those files."

"No, I know exactly the place where I hid it is very virus proof."

SC276: [boss] “Behind the firewall you coded to keep it out that you didn’t market for some reason.”

Scarlet: [Boss] “I made sure it was a sterile environment.”

Crazy56U: [Boss] “Unlike you, I decided to actually take some precaution against viruses.”

"Thank you for not letting me go sir."

"It's fine… I understand your friend, Jarom, who works on Facebook had the same problem."

JofY: [Jojo] “...How did you learn all of this?”

[Boss] “I’ve been stalking you.”

SC276: If Twitter’s important enough to reach the point they had the resources to back up the site’s entire database as well as different departments, they probably wouldn’t have heard of the start-up that Facebook was in this universe. Actually, come to think of it, having Facebook as it was in 2012 would’ve made more sense. Having it be a start-up actually just tears more holes in the narrative.

Crazy56U: The Author just did the equivalent of snapping, lighting everything around

him on fire, and then laughing manically as everything burns down around him.

"Yes sir. It was bad. He's still out of a job sir. It's been a year since he had a job. Luckily my friend Scotty Clawen

JofY: Huh. That doesn’t sound familiar at all.

Crazy56U: FUCK YOU.

SC276: For crying out loud, you put the original guy’s name in copyright insertions! Why did you think this was a good idea?!

ToonGuy: We’re damned. ALL OF US.

was letting him stay with him as a roomate for really less.

JofY: For really less? Wow, that’s a good deal. My rent is for really more.

Crazy56U: (massages temples) I really hate you, Author... I really do...

Thanks for caring."

Scarlet: You know, usually someone says that last sentence sarcastically.

Crazy56U: The Author doesn’t believe in sarcasm.

"Hey, I do anything for my employees."

JofY: *audible wink*

Crazy56U: Which is why he’s going to put off killing Joseph for at least five more

minutes.

"Thanks… I appreciate your understanding."

"No problem, see you later."

SC276: [Boss] *plans to deliver pink slip in person*

Crazy56U: [Boss] “(quietly begins loading shotgun)”

"Bye!"

In the end, I told my friends about it. They were very surprised.

JofY: That you were a dumbass who didn’t put up the firewall? Because they already know about the evil spirit.

Crazy56U: Eh, “surprised”, “violently angry over your blatant stupidity”, same dif...

They were very happy with the fact I still had my job and with the fact that the evil spirit didn't ruin my life.

Scarlet: Sounds like the last time I hung with friends.

Crazy56U: I buy that.

I thank whoever helped me keep my job. I didn't believe in God, but if he is out there, then he probably helped me keep my job.

SC276: Well it wasn’t us. We’re not nearly so merciful.

Crazy56U: God is dead, this story killed him.

I thank God for my safety, and if he could help me help my friends, then we can for sure save the soul of our angered friend.

SC276: Yeah, right.

RingmasterJ5: Okay, this third part needs some explaining. I only read the first two before deciding we had to riff this, and THEN found out just what kind of hell this third part is once Fallen found it afterwards. It basically devolves into a crackfic, but at the same time the author still has this huge grudge against social media that permeates all aspects of the story and it’s just fucking insane. So, finally, here’s “DiscordExe 3: The Reformer Games- Mockingyou”. And hey, this one actually has paragraph breaks.

Crazy56U” Oh, hey, you brought things full circle! Going off of the title, apparently this is a Hunger Games story!

ToonGuy: It’s like it was meant to be!

Part 3: The Reformer games- Mockingyou

JofY: Well, at least the author finally admits he’s mocking us.

Crazy56U: Well, if that’s the intention of the title, then (loudly hisses)

Preface:

After the "Incident" with Joseph, Scotty Clathen (Claw-thin is how you pronounce his last name)

Crazy56U: Oh, get it?! He had to explain the joke!!! AND THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW IT

WAS SPELLED THE LAST TIME!!!

JofY: Hell, both times, the pronunciation doesn’t make sense.

had come up with an idea to create a special spectacular software that could combat " ". It was named the "Pinkie Pie Program".

SC276: A Faith for this Revelation. I thought that firewall was that, though?

Scarlet: I wanted to call it Applied Phlebotinum. But noooo.

Crazy56U: Okay, this may just be me, but I think the Author is ripping off “Code: Lyoko”...

It has algorithms and formulas on a complex and intricate level enough to match the haunting power of " ".

JofY: IT COULD DIVIDE BY NOTHING!

CaptainPipsqueak: And thus, the universe ended.

Crazy56U: It was also Linux-based!

She was in the form of Pinkie Pie, but as an advanced AI (Artificial Intelligence).

SC276: Yeah, just pull an AI out of nowhere and base it on Pinkie, a.k.a. the mare known for being wild, unpredictable, and a serial murderer in one of the first and most infamous dark MLP fanfics ever written. This can’t possibly go wrong.

JofY: Also, didn’t they unfriend the spirit for being a brony? Sorry, “brony”? But, anyways, why would they then backtrack and design an AI off one of the characters from the show?

Crazy56U: Pretty sure Scotty was better off using Twilight...

This"AI" could destroy " " with Scotty's help. He would guide her through the levels this psychotic computer program put her through with his guiding commands.

SC276: So, you made a NetNavi?

Scarlet: That one Megaman anime resurfaces in strange places.

Crazy56U: He would do it using an Atari 2600 controller.

Scotty had made three other programs as backup incase things got bad. They were for each of his three friends, Jarom, Joseph, and Nikolai Instokil.

SC276: I feel sorry for the family that had to have that last name.

JofY: One of these things is not like the other. One of these, just doesn’t belong.

Crazy56U: What, you didn’t feel like naming the third friend another J name, like Jerry

Jackson, or some shit?

All of these other "programs" were capable of beridding the world of the evil software.

SC276: So they’re all NetNavis. You made NetNavis.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, Scotty and pals made a multi-agent program designed to rid the world of an evil computer virus. Holy fuck, you are ripping off “Code: Lyoko”!

Their plan was- well here's the story.

SC276: BattleChip in, and download!

Scarlet: If we use a Program Advance, can we skip the rest of this?

Crazy56U: Uh, can we just get the plan instead? I don’t want the story...

Chapter 3: Scotty Clathen

September 2014

Crazy56U: No comment.

Hello readers, old and young!

JofY: Screw you, if you’re middle-aged though.

Crazy56U: (slowly flips the story the bird)

Wait, I'm writing in a journal, no one reads that.

JofY: People only read diaries.

Crazy56U: (throws up a second bird for good measure)

Well I guess you guys are reading this, so it is somewhat for my readers.

SC276: I am getting really tired of the fourth wall breaches.

Scarlet: That’s three times I’ve had to directly fight off metatextual attempts on our lives!

Crazy56U: (lasers engaged)

Anyway moving on, I have devised the exact plan to defeat the atrocious being that haunts us.

JofY: ‘This atrocious being, which we in no way are at fault for…’

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “I have located where the Author lives. I have amassed a large

mob. The Lord’s work will soon be done.”

ToonGuy: “And the Lord spaketh, may you taketh this pretentious prat out and beat him unto death. Aaaaamen.”

You already know, my "Pinkie Pie Program". It's capable of destroying that monster.

SC276: We already knew that, move on already!

ToonGuy: I feel like we’re walking around in circles repeatedly. And it’s getting REALLY DAMN OLD!

JofY: Hell, technically if we’re starting from this journal, no we don’t. He might have wrote about it before or something, but the earlier dialogue implies that this is the first entry!

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “You know, just in case you decided to skip the preface out of

spite?”

I also made my friends ones just in case.

JofY: He didn’t bother with the zeros, unfortunately.

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “I also made my dog one, just in case things really go to shit.”

I am working at "Tumblr", and I check to make sure no material being posted was bad, virus software, or just inappropriate.

JofY: It’s called: po- Oh, wait I already did this joke.

SC276: I can assure you, in 2014 or whenever the fuck this is, this job did not exist.

Crazy56U: And I can assure you that this job still doesn’t exist.

One came up I was looking at, in the image feed, was of that dread draconequus " ".

SC276: You’d think the virus would change it up at some point, but NOPE.

Crazy56U: The Dread Draconequus Discord. ...eh, no, I prefer the Dread Pirate Roberts, quite frankly.

I immediately ran "Pinkie Pie Program".

Scarlet: Superhero mode, engage!

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “Annnnnd... the computer blue screened. ...shit...”

Pulling the mike up to me I said, in my best stentorian (or best loud and severe voice) of my boring old American accent I could do "Pinkie Pie Program boot up."

JofY: Queue magical girl transformation sequence.

Scarlet: If. Only.

SC276: Who the fuck runs a program with a voice command?! Do you not have a mouse?!

JofY: Maybe it’s supposed to work like a Power Rangers Morpher.

ToonGuy: Ah yes, the forgotten team, Power Rangers Myspace Force….I know I just dated myself, but screw it, THIS FIC’S GOING TO BE DATED IN THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS.

Crazy56U: [Siri] “(da dink) I didn’t find anything for ‘punky pie projective booter’.”

After a few minutes, a webcam of a pink screen with Pinkie on it appeared

JofY: That isn’t how… fuck it.

SC276: It’s a fucking NetNavi, only on desktop, I hate everything.

Crazy56U: Okay, ripping off season one of “Code: Lyoko” now, that’s... happening...

"What is going- oh it's that cursed ' '!

JofY: Hey! This is Tumblr! Where all identities are allowed even if they’re ‘ ‘ , “ “ , or even ( )! Textist!

Crazy56U: That cursed blank space. Didn’t know Pinkie hated Taylor Swift.

I've got this!"

"Load up the image, Pinkie"

SC276: ...What image?

Crazy56U: Discord’s image, duh.

"Okie-doki-loki!" She pulled the image up and " " was on a blood red background pointing down to a link that was to a game.

JofY: Having to manually type in a link? You know that’s evil.

Scarlet: OH SNAP.

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “What the... ...that’s the URL for Cookie Clicker! The fuck?!”

He said in the speech bubble "Play and let's see if your 'Pinkie Pie Program' can stop the Master of all Demonic Chaos!"

JofY: Hey, why does this sprit call himself the master of all chaos? Did he somehow earn it? Did he fill out the right paperwork?

ToonGuy: It’s a very complicated system. It’s all explained in the manual.

SC276: Is it like the afterlife bureaucracy that was in Beetlejuice?

Crazy56U: The Master of all Demonic Chaos Formally Known as Discord

"Should we go it, Scott sir?" Pinkie asked.

Crazy56U: “Should we go it”. Uh, Scotty, maybe you should bug tested your AI before

hand...

"We have no choice. We automatically forfeit if we say no."

Scarlet: I see this evil plays by Yu-Gi-Oh rules.

Crazy56U: (scoff) Nerd.

"Yes sir! Got it! I'll load it up right away!"

The program link opened to a game that looked similar to "Slenderman:The Eight Pages"

JofY: What? No copyright?

ToonGuy: Of course not! It belongs to that goddamn 4Chan! They have no rights.

SC276: First Sonic.EXE and Godzilla, then FNaF, and now Slender. And none with anything resembling fair gameplay. This evil spirit virus is the least creative evil spirit ever.

Crazy56U: (twitches in anger)

except the title was "Slendercord: The Eight Cupcakes"

Crazy56U: I want to punch something so bad right now...

and the picture on the title screen was Slendercord holding a cupcake.

JofY: Also, who wants to bet that the character will realize they’re playing a game based off a different game, where even if you won, you lost?

SC276: Freakin’ hell, we already know the whole thing’s rigged.

Crazy56U: Discord’s kinda one note, if you ask me...

There was only two buttons on the screen "Begin" and "Quit and Be a Loser".

JofY: Technically if you never play, you can never lose.

Crazy56U: The only winning move is to not play. ...dear God, if this turns into

WarGames...

Of course, I would choose the first option, "Begin", because I'm not one to quit easily.

SC276: Also, because no one knows the most famous line of WarGames.

Crazy56U: Also, the alternative would be admitting that he’s a loser, and Scotty vowed to never do that again.

So pressing that button, it took me to a third person point of view with Pinkie's model there.

JofY: It wasn’t given any textures or animation, it was just the model.

Scarlet: Pinkie’s scale model of Canterlot is super-detailed, to be fair.

Crazy56U: The future is now.

We were in the middle of the "Everfree Forest". Pinkie was playing, of course, in the first person point of view. I was looking in a third person point of view exactly like when you die in Black Ops 2 Zombies and your friend tries to survive the round.

JofY: Okay, I don’t play Call of Duty. Now, try explaining it to me.

SC276: Depends on whether or not these NetNavis are running on game or anime rules, but if it’s the former, this is basically Slender in third person.

Crazy56U: I’m sorry Author, I’m unfamiliar with the Call of Duty series. I actually play

good games, like “Splatoon”.

Pinkie's screen,

JofY: Does the character have two screens plugged in or something?

SC276: Are you telling me Pinkie’s video feed is showing her perspective, while you’ve got your own viewport? That’s just wasteful.

Crazy56U: And confusing as fuck.

which I could switch to from the perspective I was at right now,

SC276: Oh, so you can toggle between the two. That would’ve been nice to know before now.

Crazy56U: Still confusing as fuck.

had Pinkie Pie's hooves and a wand with the "Laughter" crystal on the end of Pinkie's Element of Harmony on it lighting the way.

Scarlet: We were kidding about the magical girl sequence! Although I’ll take what I can get at this point.

SC276: So, why couldn’t she have just been wearing her Element again?

Crazy56U: Because Scotty is a shitty programmer.

She was searching for the "Eight Cupcakes" you were supposed to collect while running from "Slendercord".

"Are you ready, my little Pinkie?"

Scarlet: When Princess Celestia does that, it’s affectionate because she’s like a millennia old or more. When you do it, you’re a condescending idiot.

ToonGuy: Or a creeper…...or a fusion of both.

Crazy56U: Or a sad human being.

"I totally am! I am so nervi-cited!" Pinkie Pie began "I want to play all sorts of games with this new 'Discord'."

SC276: Did anyone tell her he put at least dozens of people out of a job before now?

Crazy56U: Please, that’s not canon anymore!

"No, this is serious. We have to take this evil monster out. He loves destroying ponies and not caring about their lives."

JofY: Like look at all of the innocent ponies that he killed like: ...

Crazy56U: OH GOD, THAT’S TERRIFYING

"Then we must stop him."

Pinkie walked through the forest, searching for the cupcakes. With every new cupcake she found, Slendercord would get more difficult to run away from, as he was faster than the previous time before she picked up the cupcake.

Scarlet: I mean, not like your program literally designed to destroy this thing would, y’know. Fight him or something.

Crazy56U: Pinkie’s just toying with him, clearly.

I urged her to go faster, and she said she needed time. We were halfway when Slendercord teleported in front of them, going in for the insta-kill when the real Slender appeared and stopped him dead in his tracks.

JofY: *gets sent flying out of the room from sheer confusion*

ToonGuy: Look at him GO!

SC276: ...OK, we’ve had some form of Slenderman or another for like… three fics in a row now, discounting Catch.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...and honestly, that one did not need the help...

Crazy56U: ... (quietly puts head in hands) (begins openly sobbing)

Now I knew that was one of the programs I had created, because it did an amazing job of making Slendercord go away.

JofY: *walking back in* Yeah, because it’s not cheating when a program does it.

ToonGuy: Of course! IT ALL. MAKES. SENSE.

Crazy56U: (while still sobbing) No it doesn’t, shut up...

A thick Russian accent replied "Sorry it took me so long, I had to pick up a bottle of chocolate vodka- I mean chocolate milk- on my way to my office."

Scarlet: In Soviet Russia, Games code you.

SC276: Wait, this guy also made NetNavis based on Slenderman and Heavy? And didn’t say that at the beginning of the story because why now?

CaptainPipsqueak: A cross between Slender and Heavy? Wouldn’t that just make them ‘Dense’?

JofY: Why the need to change vodka to milk? Is that guy’s boss listening in?

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, Heavy wants to get crunk during this and, quite frankly, I don’t

blame him.

Slenderman, in a creepy and dark voice responded

JofY: So, Slenderman isn’t the Russian?... I never thought I would say that.

Crazy56U: No, Slenderman is being controlled by the Russian, obviously. ... (pinches

bridge of nose)

"You idiot!

JofY: Even the story will admit the characters are dumbasses.

ToonGuy: Sorry, isn’t Slenderman’s scariness based on how he...doesn’t talk?

Scarlet: It’s complicated, but really the answer is that Slenderman is scary only if you ignore ninety percent of what’s been written about him.

Crazy56U: Thank you.

You could pick up your chocolate milk later! We need to stop this 'virus' before it destroys everything in exiseance!"

JofY: Yeah! The internet is everything!

ToonGuy: This is going on top of my ‘Things I didn’t think Slenderman would say’ list

SC276: What is with everything in quotes?

Crazy56U: (chokes back another sob) I feel regret...

"Sorry I will not try and get my chocolate milk again…"

The Russian replied.

"It's ok Nikolai, now that you are here, our chances are doubled in finding the last four cupcakes.

JofY: Screw the other guys, the drunk russian is clearly what they need to win.

Crazy56U: Being drunk fixes everything...

It's gonna get harder from here on out." I comforted my Russian friend.

Scarlet: Oh god, no. The Slenderman program is controlled by a Russian programmer who made a vodka joke what?

SC276: OK wait, I think I got it. Slenderman is the NetNavi of the guy with the stupid fake Russian last name. That would’ve been nice to know before now!

ToonGuy: Oh shit I didn’t bring enough VODKA! WE’RE DOOMED.

Crazy56U: So... abandon all hope all, ye who enter here, then?

"Ok, we can do this, although we have one more 'friend' that will join the party!" Nikolai confirmed.

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late!" Joseph called out, in his Spanish accent.

JofY: Why is he now spanish?

Crazy56U: Well, maybe Joseph got jumpscared so much it caused him to change

nationalities... Why not, it makes as much sense as everything else...

A pony with no face and a suit with a slender-page-like cutie mark appeared.

SC276: are you fucking serious

Crazy56U: (eyes twitches) why

CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, one of the greatest benefits of having no idea about the source material is that I can look at stuff like this and just go “Huh; would you look at that.”

"Let's get that fake Slender!" The pony shouted.

Scarlet: Yeah, there’s nothing artificial about YOU guys!

JofY: [Slenderpony] “I mean, ripping off Slenderman, how could you!?”

[Slenderman] *somehow flips off Slenderpony*

Crazy56U: Coming from a fake Slender.

"Yeah, no one makes fun of the world's most renowned horror expert!" Slenderman cried.

JofY: The internet?

Crazy56U: Oh, cry me a river, why don’t ya, you slender piece-of-shit...

"Well then, are we ready guys!? Time to adventure into the deep unknown!" I cheered.

Scarlet: The Alph Ruins?

SC276: You just knocked the guy away. He can’t be that hard to track down. Also, how come there isn’t a pony avatar of Tumblr here like there was for Facebook and Twitter?

Crazy56U: You’re currently in a bootleg Slender ripoff. There is nothing “deep” or “unknown” about it.

A demonic Discord voice came from the sky, exactly like if he had a tower and he was using a speaker system to speak to all of us

JofY: Unfortunately for him, there was something wrong with the system so they had to call in IT, and they said that a certain part needed to be replaced which he didn’t know that they had, and s- *gets dragged off screen*

Crazy56U: (is the one dragging JofY) T-trust- trust me, t-this is for the best...

"You pathetic ponies and Slenderman think can rid the world of the most evil, most strongest, most haunted virus on this entire planet!?

JofY: Now he’s just embellishing.

SC276: Was there a poll so he could claim a title like that?

Crazy56U: He created a StrawPoll concerning it and the only options were “Yes” and “Yeah”.

ToonGuy: Yes, Definitely, Absolutely.

You can't I will destroy all of you and no one will find the data from anything I will destroy!

JofY: “Unless you remember to regularly backup your data, in which case I’ll still be kind of annoying, but still!”

Crazy56U: Then destroy this series of stories.

Ha-ha! All of you will be destroyed! Try and find those stupid cupcakes. It won't matter, I still will win, no matter how many stupid computer programs and people you throw at me!"

"Just you wait, ugly dragon-thing with no face!

JofY: Oh, wow. Think you solved global warming with how bad that burn was.

Scarlet: 2/10, not nearly enough sass.

Crazy56U: Coming from the ugly pony-thing with no face.

We'll wipe you off the face of the whole Earth you scumbag!" Slenderpony exclaimed.

SC276: So wait, the guy with no face insulted a guy by saying he has no face?

ToonGuy: Or maybe it’s like a Face/Off thing where they’re trading faces….The Cage would make things so much better.

RingmasterJ5: Yeah, just have him roll in, use that fucking rock attack and kill me every Lost run I- wait, wrong Cage.

Crazy56U: Takes one to know one.

"And rid the world of this awful imposter of the true Slenderman!" Slenderman yelled.

JofY: Slenderpony?

SC276: The fact that this is a freakin’ NetNavi?

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) (slowly lowers onto the floor) I- I’m gon- I’m gonna just lay down, here, okay? I-I’m still here, I- I ju- I just... ...I just don’t know anymore, man...

"Try, just try and destroy me! You'll see there's far worse to what I can do to all of you!"

JofY: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

The demonic voice faded.

SC276: Dude, the worst you can do is delete them. Just like you did with two social networks before this.

"Ok, first order of business, everyone scatter and find the last four cupcakes!" I ordered the group.

"Yes sir!" Joseph replied.

"On my way comrade!" Nikolai answered.

Scarlet: Because the game still matters because… somehow.

Slenderpony and Slenderman went their separate ways and Pinkie and I continued the search for the last four cupcakes. Slendercord seemed to be able to clone himself, because he was everywhere at once and could get all of us, as my friends using their mikes, were telling me.

JofY: So they weren’t programs? But… Huh? Could I get a flowchart here?

We were in serious trouble. He could gang up on any of us when we weren't looking. But, Pinkie and I tried our best.

Scarlet: We never gave up! We hung in there! We toughed it out!

SC276: I’d say they’re filled with determination, but...

We found two cupcakes and my friends found one each.

JofY: Wait, I thought he had 3 friends and only 4 cupcakes were remaining. Also, should are the two slenders included? The math is confused. Scratch that, I’m confused!

We came back to the middle of the forest, where the "Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters" ruins were.

SC276: Y’know, this is the most lifeless Everfree I’ve ever seen.

Then Slendercord appeared before us and clapped his hands.

Scarlety: And insert Citizen Kane clip here.

"Bravo, Bravo! Well done! You've passed my first test!

SC276: [Discord] “Somehow, even though I’m a flagrant cheater. Also, I’m not calling an instant loss with having multiple player characters in a single-player game because” *chocolate milk explodes*

JofY: I thought you only had to win one. Or is it the last one that actually matters?

Now onto the next one!"

"Wait! Slendercord, or I mean, , I have a proposition for you!" I called out.

JofY: Okay class, we already had “ “ and ‘ ‘ , but now we have this , , character. Pay attention, there will be a test later.

was about to snap his fingers and change the level to the next test he wanted us to do, when he stopped "Yes? What is it?"

JofY: Why do I have a bad feeling of dread on what’s about to happen?

ToonGuy: Ah, hello feeling of anguish. I’ve missed you.

"Well… I know you want revenge and all, but the man who pressured us into bullying you was Alma Corianton.

JofY: “His issues mainly stem from his parents hating him!”

He was the one who, without us really knowing, wanted us to make fun of you for your status as a 'Brony', Jeremy Michaelson.

JofY: How?

ToonGuy: Well, shit. This is not going to end well.

CaptainPipsqueak: It hadn’t started well, either, so why wreck it?

SC276: I’m sorry, given season 2 had to have been at full swing by the point he died, how the fuck are you so stupid you can be tricked into bullying a friend so hard he suicides over something you don’t understand?!

We are truly sorry for the pain and anguish we caused you to take your life.

JofY: “We’re sorry, uh… What’s your name again?”

We never meant you to do the thing you did, we were stupid kids back then and we never understood how you truly felt.

JofY: You are all still accessories. Also, ‘stupid kids’ for an incident 2… 3 years ago? Seriously?

SC276: And I thought Mykan was a fucking idiot.

If you could forgive us, maybe then we can work together to stop the man behind 4chan.

JofY: Just two years before retirement. Also, just because the platform may be wrong, doesn’t mean that the one who built it had bad intentions, so fuck you.

ToonGuy: I’m beginning to think that this man has slight delusions of grandeur.

The one responsible for kids putting their phones in microwaves to try and charge them, the kid who put the grenade in his toilet because he was faked into thinking it would be a wicked splash, and the man who posted the people hanging themselves. That was all him!

JofY: Accuse! Accuse!

SC276: One, how does a kid get access to grenades? Two, whatever makes you think all of those were one guy?!

We have to stop him, and we need your help!"

JofY: No one else on the internet would want to follow in his footsteps!

I preached to " ".

JofY: ...Why is no one calling him by is actual name?

"Wait, that was him? That sick freak!" Joseph shouted.

" I didn't know idiot children would think a microwave could charge their phones?! Ha-ha that's funny!" Nikolai laughed.

SC276: Says the guy that was talked into bullying a guy into killing himself! It’s stupider than knocking someone out by saying there’s a gas leak and having them hold their breath until they pass out!

"Nikolai!" Everyone shouted at him.

"Sorry…" Nikolai apologized.

"I know, we just need your help, Jeremy."I finished. "We promise we won't destroy you as long as you help us stop Alma from his rampaging internet destruction!" I called out to my best friend.

JofY: You barely remember his name! You bullied him to suicide!

SC276: Also, all Discord’s done in this story is destroy the Internet!

"Ok… I-" Demonic Discord's voice suddenly was wavering back and forth from a young man's Scottish voice to the monster who had troubled his best friends for so long

JofY: ‘In all honesty, it was quite silly.’

"Ok- I will do it- I can't do it! I am the Master of All Demonic Chaos!- But we must!"

So " " was having an internal affair, in which the good was trying to overcome the evil. "No! I MUST CONTINUE MY EVIL REIGN TO DESTROY ALL THE EARTH'S SOCIAL MEDIA SITES!"

JofY: Oh, I’m sorry, but in actuality, 4chan is from Pluto. Sorry bout that.

" " screamed.

All of a sudden, the evil " " was transformed in a blinding green light into a man with ginger hair, a dark green hoodie , lime green Levi jeans, a bright green t-shirt, and a pakistan green fedora, and Cal Poly Green Propel 2.0 Heelys that were forest green with a lawn green circular logo on the side and laces.

JofY: Anonymous delivers.

SC276: Gheeze, St. Patrick, tone it down a bit.

ToonGuy: Lucky Charms and their delivery got weird in the early 2000’s.

Crazy56U:

He fell to the floor, on his knees.

"Woah, woah, what in the hay just happened?" Pinkie asked

JofY: None of us know.

"Did ' ' become, 'good'?" She asked me.

"Yeah. Help him up please." I persauded her.

"Um… I have hooves… I can't." Pinkie mumurred.

Crazy56U: The Pinkie Pie AI is unable to cheer someone up, instead opting to blame

her hooves. How do you fuck up programming an AI that bad?

"I have got it, good sir." Nikolai started "Slenderman, help this poor troubled young man up again please?"

SC276: What happened to this guy’s Russia again?

JofY: “Slenderman, could you please become an upstanding member of society?”

"As you wish, my master."

JofY: Why does a Russian own internet Slenderman?

Slenderman, as tall as he was, bent his knees and reached his hand out to the troubled soul.

JofY: Slenderman doesn’t have hands.

SC276: This guy hasn’t shown factual accuracy for two and a half fics. You really think he’s going to start now?

JofY: I’ve been nitpicking the facts on these for over two and a half months. You really think I’m going to stop now?

The young man took it and got back up on his feet.

"Thanks guys. I was really taken by a truly great evil there.

JofY: [Jeremy] “My Little Pony.”

I appreciate the help!" Jeremy announced.

"Anything for someone who definitely needed it, my good friend." Nikolai said.

SC276: Has the writer forgotten he’s supposed to be doing a creepypasta again?

ToonGuy: This is what happens when Fluttershy writes Creepypastas….actually, take that back, she’d probably write one better.

"Even if we didn't seem like we would all those years ago, that doesn't matter now, all that matters is we'll help you now." Joseph, with guilt in his heart for his sin against his friend, explained.

SC276: Because the writer has no idea how a freakin’ story works.

"It's alright. I understand how bad you must of felt for what you did to me. I forgive all of you for the crimes that were so unintentionally done unto me.

JofY: One, what crimes? No seriously, I thought it was just that they unfriended him and that isn’t a crime... Did they actively attack him!? Because that requires intentional effort!

I just hope I can move on and forgive myself of the crime against myself." He sobbed.

JofY: 5 minutes before, he was the most EVIL! POSSIBLE! THING!

"Hey! Hey! Don't get down! Pinkie will always turn that frown upside down!" She came over and hugged Jeremy.

"Thanks…" He sniffed. "I always knew you'd be there to lift me up when I was down." He stood firm and spoke with much boldness "Now I'm ready to destroy 4chan and it's evil ruler, Alma Corianton, the Master of all Evil Chaos!"

JofY: ...I don’t think 4chan works like that.

SC276: What is with this author and overly dramatic evil titles?

"You darn right we are!" Slenderpony exclaimed.

"As right as a right turn!" Pinkie shouted.

JofY: Damn it Pinkie! We were supposed to take a left! Now it’ll take forever to get back on the freeway.

SC276: What were we supposed to do at Albuquerque again?

"No evil is as evil as the Master of Evil himself: Slenderman! He won't beat me at being evil!" Slenderman yelled.

JofY: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

"Well, if we are all ready! Let's do this!" I proclaimed.

SC276: LEEROOOOOY-

"Wait!"

SC276: toolateJENKIIIIIIIINS!!

A yellow pony with a beautiful pink mane appeared "Fluttershy's here now!"

JofY: Because why not.

SC276: Exactly what every creepypasta needs: more Fluttershy.

"Jarom! Hey, she looks great! Nice job on the 'Fluttershy Software'!" Joseph pointed out.

JofY: I’ve forgotten if I’ve pointed this out already but since this does need to be stated, these people bullied a friend to suicide because he watched MLP!

SC276: On top of the fact that guy crashed Facebook, how the fuck would he know how to make a NetNavi?

"Thanks…" The Afghani, Jarom, replied.

JofY: ‘Course if he wasn’t so Afghanistan he would have said it better.’

SC276: What do these nationalities have to do with anything? If they were important, they would’ve come up when the guy was introduced in the first story.

"Now let us berid the world of this evil!" Jeremy shouted.

JofY: A story about a “ragtag” group of people trying to destroy all evil by attacking one singular group… If this starts talking about the morality of atoms, I’m leaving.

SC276: Also, attacking 4chan is exactly what Chris-chan did, so…

ToonGuy: We’re still sweeping up the ashes from that…..got some over my nice shoes.

"Yes… but we need you to use your supernatural powers to create a game where we are hacking into their software." I added.

JofY: Why? Is it the firewall that forces it to be like that? Can’t be because it was made in retaliation. Hell, that would actually have been a good reason to explain the whole game aspect. After all, it’d be something.

SC276: Pretty sure I had the idea of video games being one of only two places where cyberspace could reasonably exist first. I oughta sue.

"Alright. If it's for my friends, then I can do it!" Jeremy confidently addressed the group.

"Okie-doki-loki-poki-artichoki!" Pinkie declared.

SC276: Oh my god, Pinkie, shut up.

"That was over-the-top my pink pony pal." Nikolai noticed.

JofY: In a way that was not awkwardly phrased at all.

"Sorry."

CaptainPipsqueak: No you’re not, you lying equine bitch.

"No problem my pink pony pal." Nikolai made a very spectacular return.

JofY: Return? Return from where?

SC276: The same long nickname twice in a row? That doesn’t get tiresome fast.

CaptainPipsqueak: And certainly not once.

"Can we go already!? I have an appointment with Slenderwoman on Facebook in an hour."

JofY: Oh… Oh my… You just murdered continuity! You butchered it! You bastard!

SC276: The entire first story was about Facebook being destroyed, are you fucking kidding me!

CaptainPipsqueak: No, that was FACEbook, This is FaceBOOK.

ToonGuy: Slenderwoman? *imagines, shudders* Oh, uh, boooo, continuity’s dead.

Slenderman urged.

"Oooh! Is she cute!? Can I meet her!?" Pinkie hollered.

"No no no and most defintely no! This is my alone time with her… but…"Slenderman hesitated "She is very pretty, yes…." Slenderman blushed.

JofY: She has just the most beautiful face with no identifiable features.

SC276: Why won’t the Skip button work?!

"It's ok… I have a friend back home who I think the same way about. He looks like me, but his name is Bubbleberry.

JofY: “He’s a color swap of me!”

He's soooo adorable!" Pinkie also blushes.

"Can we just get on with this and destroy Alma and 4chan before I get love sick!" Jeremy bellowed.

SC276: For once, some sense in these stories!

ToonGuy: Don’t get comfortable with it.

"Yes sir…"Slenderman and Pinkie uttered.

"Now, Jeremy, can you do the honors?" I directed.

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Honors’, ‘horrors, ‘potayto’, ‘potahto’...

"Yes I can!" Jeremy pointed his palm out in front of him and a green portal opened up. He gestured them to go through it "Ladies and Slenders first. I'll go last."

"Yes siree we'll hurry with Cheerilee!"

JofY: [Cheerilee] “Help! I’m being dragged into this story!”

SC276: For the love of Mew, Pinkie, shut up already!

Pinkie Pie ran through the portal. Everyone else followed her.

The place they came to was… demonic to say the least. There were floating images of evil and sick twisted events listing here would make you get nightmares over and over again.

JofY: Oh, that’s just /b/.

Let's just say the evil here would make Satan look like a small pathetic mouse compared to this giant house cat of pure malicious and cruel intent.

JofY: CAAAAAAT!

SC276: SQUIRREL!

Alma Corianton had changed happy and good 4chan (let's be honest they are evil or just anti-hero, but now they are demonic), to a corrupt and vile state.

JofY: They didn’t change anything… but EVIL!!!

SC276: So they made something that was evil… more evil?

Everyone was about to puke, even if some of them were computer programs.

JofY: Their only salvation was pressing Ctrl+P+U

SC276: How about Ctrl+F+U? Also, I love how the author had no problem describing a giant-ass field of pony corpses, yet keeps everything vague when describing what is basically this guy’s idea of Hell.

CaptainPipsqueak: Maybe we should handle the descriptions, then? This is certainly our version of it.

Then a man with black ruffled hair and a goatee, horns, dark red skin, fangs, claws on his hands and feet, and wearing a red robe all the way down to his feet appeared there in front of us.

JofY: Hey, Bob.

He was holding a staff made of the bones of human remains. The top of the staff was a demon skull with horns, long sharp nose, and sharp teeth. He cackled with a very dark and scary voice that shook the whole room, even if it was the game.

SC276: Well this guy doesn’t trip every “evil” flag to ever exist.

"You can't beat me! I am the devil!" Alma shouted.

JofY: “Oh! Hey, didn’t see you there. This? Just rehearsing for my next play.”

ToonGuy: It’s getting rave reviews, especially from the riff community!

SC276: Called “Put That Fic Back Where It Came From, or So Help Me.” Also, the devil has hoofed legs. Also also, “You cannot infect me. I have firewall.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Literally.

"NO! You can't do this!

JofY: Yes he can. True you are trying to stop him, but without that, he would have the ability to do whatever he just wanted to do.

I know what it's like to be evil, it doesn't benefit anyone at all!

JofY: I would like to take the opportunity to point out that 4chan has done things like catch animal abusers, and given us Chocolate Rain, Rickrolling, and Cat memes.

SC276: Also, Ruby Quest, Nan Quest, and Magia Revolution. I… think that’s 4chan, at least.

ToonGuy: Yeah. What have you done, hero? Don’t see you laying down any laws of the internet.

You need to stop!" Jeremy roared.

"STOP!? STOP!? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!

JofY: SOMEONE WHO HAS CAPS LOCK ON AND DOESN’T REALIZE IT YET.

I AM THE DEVIL!" The devilish human vociferated.

JofY: I would like to remind you, this man used to be the other’s friend.

SC276: I can’t believe the author actually used “vociferated” correctly.

"Ha-ha-ha! Laughing is hurting my side!" Slenderman began "This guy thinks he's evil! I eat children for breakfast!

JofY: ...Yeah. They’re a nutritious source of vitamins. I don’t see the problem here.

SC276: Oh that Slenderman! *laugh track*

ToonGuy: “We’ve secretly replaced their regular Slenderman with Folger’s Crystals, let’s see if they notice.”

This guy just corrupted a website, you can't get evil by doing that! This is just a computer program!"

JofY: Dude, right now, he could say: “I know you are but what am I?” and be right.

SC276: Then the previous Discord just took out a handful of websites, which doesn’t make him evil either. Just an absolute jerk that couldn’t make a fair game to save his life.

"ARRGGGH!"

JofY: [Daveil] “My leg!”

ToonGuy: “MY CABBAGES!!!”

The devil sent a spell from his staff at Slednerman, a giant fireball, towards the faceless man

JofY: After aiming, he fired an aimed shot.

SC276: Just in case you didn’t catch it the first time.

and he was thrown back against his friends, being the bowling ball against the pins.

JofY: Strike!

SC276: Watch, the rest of the game’s gonna be gutter balls.

"OUCH! Man, warn me next time!" Slenderpony stood up with much difficulty, still hurt from Slenderman's force of impact.

SC276: [Slenderman] “Bosses telegraph their attacks! Haven’t you ever played a video game before?!”

Slenderman got up and sent his tentacles at the beast, grabbed him, and threw him in the opposite direction of his friends "NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE, MESSES WITH THE KING OF HORROR!"

JofY: Alfred Hitchcock?

After the demon hit the ground, he got up like that was a a small bruise, and then proceed to grab Slenderman and crush his bones, even though he was a computer program, the game gave him a physical game body and then tossed him like chopped liver

SC276: This is why no one likes ragdoll physics.

"NO ONE HURTS THE DEMON KING SATAN!"

"No…. no! You can't hurt my daddy! YOU'LL PAY!" Slenderpony then grew spiky red hair and demon red eyes on her face.

JofY: Awww… That’s adorable. I just wanna pinch his check.

ToonGuy: HE HAS BECOME, A SUPER SLENDERMAN GOD!!!!

A bright red aura exploded around her and she yelled "RAAAAAAGH!" The aura blew up even more in a red hot fury.

JofY: Yay! She blew up!

"NO ONE TOUCHES MY DADDY!"

SC276: Gheeze, no one can do anything around here. Also, Super Saiyan Slenderpony.

"Ooh…" Fluttershy whispered "She's even more scarier than me when I'm mad."

"It's ok." Jarom consoled her.

"Thanks." Fluttershy replied.

JofY: Yes, tell us more of how a red pony is scary. Heaven forbid you show us.

"YOU WILL DIE DEMON FREAK!" Super Slenderpony then shot a giant red chaos blast at the demon and he took it. He was still standing there, but was majorly burnt. He thought he could take it.

SC276: I thought I could take this. Clearly, I was wrong.

ToonGuy: We all were…when will we learn!?

"HA-HA-HA-HA! That was weak! That tickled! My turn!" He threw his staff down and shot a demonic black blast at Super Slenderpony and she countered with a chaotic red blast of her own. She struggled to keep the black blast away from her.

JofY: He shot a blast. She shot a blast. He shot a blast. She shot a blast...

SC276: Everyone’s heads were darting back and forth trying to follow the ball.

It was a super serious power struggle, one fighting for strength to throw their blast against the opponent's.

JofY: Like a game of tennis!

The blasts went back and forth until Demonic Alma shot a blast that pushed Super Slenderpony's back to almost getting killed level when Jeremy shot a lime green blast of his own to help Super Slenderpony's blast. He was now like a Super Sayian, but his hair was light green and spikey with a forest green aura around him.

JofY: When one isn’t B.S. enough, have two.

SC276: I WAS JOKING

CaptainPipsqueak: ...buh.

ToonGuy: Easy there fellas. We’re on the tail-end.

"I have got your back Super Slenderpony!" Jeremy shouted.

JofY: Jeremy then proceeded to tear out Slenderpony’s spine and ran away.

"Alright!"

"Dont forget us!" Pinkie cried. Pinkie and Fluttershy ran up next to Jeremy and Super Slenderpony.

They both powered up into their Rainbow Power forms.

JofY: Okay, without checking, who wants to bet that the author got down the colors remotely to their actual design?

SC276: For a moment, I thought Slenderman went Rainbow Power, because that honestly wouldn’t surprise me at this point.

Pinkie had a yellow, orange, and blue rainbow going across her mane with balloons of dark pink, purple, and light blue on her hooves, stars all over her mane, and a bow in her mane with a light yellow star in the middle. There were dark pink circles under her eyes and her cutie mark area a darker pink,. She had a light pink aura bursting around her. Fluttershy had grown a slightly longer mane with light blue and purple streaks in it. Her, now light purple wings, had light blue outlining with dark purple hearts on the edges of them. Her cutie mark had a couple extra butterflies on it and there were now all kinds of colors of butterflies on her hooves. A light blue aura burst around her. Pinkie shot a pink blast and Fluttershy shot a light blue blast that knocked the Demonic Alma's back.

SC276: Forget accuracy, that’s way too much freakin’ detail in a written medium for a simple appearance chance.

He struggled, he tried and tried to push their blasts back, but to no avail. The blasts knocked his back a significant distance. "NO NO NO NO!" Demonic Alma shouted. Our heroic blasts overcame the evil blast and completely destroyed the Demon.

JofY: That was easy.

ToonGuy: I think that I’m going to lie down after this.

Crazy56U: Damn it, we should’ve gotten a Staples button, it would’ve fixed this

mess...

Everyone turned back into their original selves after the demon was destroyed.

JofY: [Daveil] “Ah ha! Second wind, bitches!”

SC276: So, wait, did they destroy 4chan? I’ve lost track.

Everything was changed back to normal. The area around them became tan with the 4chan clover logos floating around and positive messages floating around instead of evil ones.

JofY: Like: ‘FUCK YOU!’ or ‘You a faggot’... It’s 4chan. What do expect the messages to say?

The Demon now was turned into a man with a red t-shirt, black jeans, black spiky crew-cut hair, and dark brown skin.

JofY: What? No face?

SC276: If this guy hates social media sites, why does 4chan get a pass and the guy in charge of it was just possessed by generic evil?

ToonGuy: Because you expected continuity?

He opened his eyes.

JofY: Once he saw what he was wearing, he never opened them again.

They were a slight maroon color, but not bright red anymore. He cowered in fear because he thought his friends would never forgive him.

"Friends, I'm…. I'm sorry for the way I have treated you- especially Jeremy.

JofY: I’ll give the author this, the turnaround is as fast as in MLP.

I was awful- the way I treated you hurt you and drove you to take your life. I didn't mean it to go that far.

JofY: How far did you plan? You do not become the devil overnight.

SC276: I do not think you thought your cunning plan all the way through.

All of you, I need your forgiveness.

SC276: Guess who’s gonna starve to death then.

I just hope you can forgive me, and I can truly forgive myself for sending my best friend to a fate worse than death, becoming an evil computer program bent on destroying everyone."

JofY: [Alma] “Saying it out loud, it’s kind of stupid.”

Then Alma cried and tried to wipe the tears off his face.

JofY: Inside a computer program.

SC276: /me starts sobbing.

Crazy56U: No, no, like this: ;________;

"Hey it's ok! We all forgive you Alma!" Jeremy shouted.

JofY: [Jeremy] “You only made all of my friends treat me like dirt because of something I liked leading to me ending my life with hatred. No biggy.”

SC276: Also, hundreds of people out of a job. Does your imaginary world where Facebook is a start-up have a better economy?

"I know my friends forgave me for the awful things I did.

JofY: He only ruined the lives of hundreds if not thousands, of people, and that’s assuming that Facebook was a startup.

ToonGuy: My head hurts. Not sure if that’s because I’ve hit it against so many blunt surfaces or because it’s just so bad

Everyone, give this man a great big hug!" Everyone came in for a group hug. They hugged their new friend tight.

"Ok-ok thanks guys. Please let go." Alma sniffed.

SC276: Choke him to death!

"Give the new guy some room." Pinkie backed up and everyone did as well.

"What now? No more evil demonic computer programs to take out! What now?"

JofY: Fuck?

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s your answer for everything. Broaden your horizons, man.

SC276: How about marketing NetNavis and that firewall from the last fic and getting rich?

Slenderpony was eager to take out the next evil-doer who managed to mess with them.

SC276: I thought he was in this to get rid of competition for evil.

"How about all of us get together in-wait- you aren't alive anymore Jeremy…

JofY: And like that, Jeremy poofed out of existence.

How about we set up a server where all of us can get together once a week and Jeremy can meet us. I bet God can work something out like that, he wouldn't mind." I suggested.

"Sure! See ya later guys! I gotta go apologize to God!

JofY: “God, about that position you gave me…”

SC276: God is involved, and yet he didn’t stop a ghost from destroying Facebook?

Hopefully he can truly forgive me for the terrible things I have done." Jeremy said as he faded from existance.

SC276: Too bad the story couldn’t go with it.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, The Killers.

"BYE!" Everyone shouted.

CaptainPipsqueak: Actually, it was “DIE!” They were trying to speed the process.

Alma agreed "Meeting once a week would be ok."

JofY: We hope you’ve enjoyed, No Moral Theater.

Epilogue:

I couldn't say we all lived happily ever after because

Crazy56U: You all took part in this?

Jarom was trying to find a new job and Joseph was trying to get his old job back, but we were content now that " " and that evil demon were wiped off the face of the planet.

JofY: Unfortunately it burrowed deep into the body of the planet and it’s been weeks since last seen.

SC276: Hasn’t it been like at least two years? Is it really so difficult to recover from crashing a start-up no one gave a shit about? Like, are the grocery stores not hiring?

Jeremy did get a chance to visit us every week, on the assumption that he would do good things instead of bad things.

JofY: Wow. Science fiction authors are rolling in their graves after that statement.

Crazy56U: Even the ones who are still alive, it was that bad.

Alma was working on making 4chan the most happiest place that can be, with no malicious or evil posts being made and those who did would get banned.

Fallen Prime: I’ll take “Unrealistic Fever Dreams” for $1000, Alex.

ToonGuy: And I’ll try “Incredibly Stupid Optimism” for $2000.

JofY: I’ll go for “How the Hell Did He Get to Be in Charge in the First Place”... for $3000.

CaptainPipsqueak: And I’ll take “Oh ho ho, you have got to be shitting me!” for the win.

Crazy56U: (puts head in hands, begins screaming)

SC276: It’s a Daily Double!

I continued my job at Tumblr, and I even got promoted to a Manager position.

Fallen Prime: Yahoo’s made sure that position’s worth jack shit.

Crazy56U: Hey now, we’re not exactly sure if Yahoo bought Tumblr in this timeline...

I thank Jeremy for not ridding the world of Social Media sites, because we couldn't meet each week and everyone would be sad they couldn't talk to friends far apart. I'm just glad everything turned out ok and no one else was hurt by the evil monster my friends and I had created.

JofY: So, how’s all the thousands that became jobless after Facebook disappeared?

SC276: If the author just only hated Facebook, why bother with the other two stories?

Crazy56U: Because he’s a sadist.

Thank chocolate milk for that.

JofY: Regular milk can suck it.

SC276: You leave the sweet delicious brown gold out of this.

Crazy56U: (dumps a gallon of chocolate milk onto the floor while flipping you off)

Anyway, gotta go, I've written as much as I can and told the whole story for you guys. Have fun and enjoy our tale of " "

JofY: And this has been, The DiscordExe Trilogy. And what a fucking piece of shit that was. I struggle to think of a fic that was as factually wrong as this one was. Every single part about this fic has no clue how anything works. Hell, I’m not even sure what the author was trying to achieve with these stories. Sure, you could say that it’s an attempt to dethrone social media sites, but the people who work on it are the protagonists, and are attempted to be shown as good people. Not even 4chan is purely lambasted, as it says that it’s just one guy’s fault for how bad it is. Can’t say that it’s a story about redemption, since that whole bit only occurred in the last story. It ain’t even an OC insert fic since each story focuses on different characters. And don’t tell me that’s it’s a creepypasta type horror thing, since it never makes an attempt to try and show that the protagonists are in any real world danger. Especially since it just goes full on Dragon Ball at the end. Whadda bout the rest of you?

Crazy56U: What a rotten ending.

CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, this series of stories is so stupid, I think I may have

actually gained the ability to write program code. I’m going to go slam my head on

my spare keyboard for half an hour or so.

ToonGuy: Have fun. I’m going to get drunk and smash my computer against thewall... Then I’m going to go lie down and cry. Just a typical Saturday night. This wasn’t scary,

wasn’t effective, it’s not even doing it’s job as a smear piece!

SC276: I’m going to go boot up GameMaker and show this stupid haunted virus what actual game design is. I’ve got little else to say about a series that won’t keep continuity when there needs to be.

RingmasterJ5: The poll results are in… and damn, that was close.

Fallen Prime: I may have been the deciding vote on one of them. I looked at the tying stories, and one just looked more suitable for riffing than the other. I even have a minor history with the author of the other story, and I STILL didn’t see the thing as fit for riffing. Looked like a spite project anyway, and I really don’t think anyone but Mykan can make them worth scrutinizing.

RingmasterJ5: Exactly. Anyway, as I was setting the winning story up for riffing, I noticed something. Particularly, that it had a prequel.

Fallen Prime: Or, more accurately, that it itself was a sequel. Both are LUDICROUSLY short for multi-chapter projects, their combined length well within our comfortable limit, so we’re just gonna run ‘em both. Ladies and gentlemen, because you goddamn asked for it, Infinity Blade Brony’s shitty mini-saga of “The Shining Sabre” and “The New Bearer.”

RingmasterJ5: And yes, this is a Rainbow Factory fanfic, so expect bad and prepare for even worse.

JofY: Ooh! Please tell me that this is going to get really silly.

CaptainPipsqueak: You’re a bastard and I lovehate you.

SC276: Well, at least it’s not another Mare-Do-Well fic…

Crazy56U: Just once can’t we get a Canterlot Wedding fic?

Prologue

CaptainPipsqueak: Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

Crazy56U: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Topher: *explodes in a cloud of hype*

Scootaloo couldn't sleep that night as the rumored pegasus foal nappings have been swimming in her head like an school of fish.

SC276: And already we’re away from the canon. I give up on these even bothering to stay consistent anymore.

CaptainPipsqueak: What’s wrong with foals taking a snooze?

Crazy56U: Let me guess: the plot twist is that Scootaloo is a sea pony?

Bucephalus: Shoo-shoo-be-doo!

CaptainPipsqueak: *pulls out baseball bat*

Topher: *pulls out a shotgun*

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t kill him; he learns nothing that way.

Topher: I’ll aim for something not important.

Well she was ripped from not only the state of daydreaming but her bed too!

JofY: Someone finally ripped off the threads that had sewn her to her bed.

Crazy56U: ...ow?

"HELP ME!" she yelled at the top of her lungs as the masked pegasus grabbed her and darted out the window before her sister could react.

CaptainPipsqueak: And straight into the ‘action’ without a moment’s warning. My neck hurts.

SC276: You might wanna pace yourself there, author.

Scarlet: Zorro, no! You’re better than this!

Crazy56U: Holy crap, this is a Mare-Do-Well fic! And she’s gone rogue!

Bucephalus: Wow. This pace is like Insane Bolt.

"SCOOTALOO!" Cheerilee yelled.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...so Scootaloo’s in school? I thought you said she was in bed?

JofY: Clearly, Cheerilee is Scootaloo’s sister.

SC276: Worst sleepover ever.

Crazy56U: Wait, Cheerilee is Scootaloo’s sis- is this supposed to take place in G3?

Bucephalus: I thought Scootaloo was in her house. Cheerilee’s in Scootaloo’s house?

Pardon me while I go vomit.

Topher: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this WAS going, and I’ve seen enough snuff films to know where it is going...

But it was too late it happened to fast devastated that her only sister

CaptainPipsqueak: ...wut.

Scarlet: There is no time to escape make you time.

Crazy56U: Well, thankfully we have a narrator that can truly deliver the story in the

dramatic tone it deserves.

Bucephalus: I’m going to go wonder what I’m doing here. Cya.

was taken from her she vowed she would get her home safe but how! She was no pegasus she can't fly.

JofY: She couldn’t do the jive talk to narrate herself away!

Crazy56U: Well, that’s just stinkin’ thinkin’, Cheerilee! Just because you don’t have

wings doesn’t mean you can’t fly! Just borrow/steal Pinkie’s helicopter-thingy!

But she new a pony

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, right out of the blister pack!

SC276: new Pony();

Crazy56U: And so Cheerilee pulled a Wonder Woman and turned into a superhero to

chase after Scootaloo.

Bucephalus: The only thing that can save us is an ‘I’ll make a man out of you’ type

montage.

that can and he wasn't even a pegasus.

Scarlet: Cheerilee is forced to confront her nascent racism? (what)

Crazy56U: Nope, he was the Antichrist!

Bucephalus: Scarlet, shoot me. Quick.

Topher: On it! *shoots Bruce in the head* Hm… *shoots Bruce a few more times*

Bucephalus: Since when was my name Bruce?

Topher: Look, It just makes things easier if I just call you Bruce. Speaking of which, You’re not a poofter are you?

Thinking her luck had turned for the better she rushed to the library so Spike the dragon could get a very valuable letter to Canterlot for she was getting cousin Sabre!

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m beginning to get the feeling that this guy thinks punctuation is an interesting theory, but not the sort of thing for him.

SC276: Lemme revise that: new Pony(“crap OC”);

Crazy56U: Oh, okay, that makes more sense then: he’s not a pegasus, he’s a sword.

Bucephalus: Silly, he’s both. Transformers, ponies in disguise!

Chapter 1 The Letter the Cousin and the Hero

SC276: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, which I would rather be locked in - without my personal electronics - than read this.

Scarlet: All will be forgiven if Mr. Tumnus strolls in to save the story.

Crazy56U: This is a shitty sequel to “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover”...

Scarlet: Oooh, appropriate follow-up to a film with food as a central theme!

Bucephalus: Exactly. We’ll all be vegtables by the end.

Celestial Sabre

SC276: British!

Crazy56U: Which sounds like a shitty Final Smash move...

was just practicing his magic when a guard came in the door with a letter.

JofY: It was ‘T’

SC276: It was pain!

CaptainPipsqueak: “A message from the princesses, sir: something about ‘Fucking off and dying.’”

Crazy56U: It was from the Social Security Administration office, they’ve denied his

application to have his name changed. ...again...

He seemed concerned,

Crazy56U: What with his vacant expression and dead-to-the-world appearance...

well I guess you want to know what our protagonist looks like.

SC276: Only if you can do that without bringing the entire narrative flow to a screeching halt.

Scarlet: Actually I was hoping we could skip that and I could imagine that he’s secretly a gnome.

CaptainPipsqueak: I was thinking three weasels and a rabbit done up in a trenchcoat, myself.

Crazy56U: “He was clearly upset by the letter FUCK IT, CHARACTER DESCRIPTION

TIME!”

Bucephalus: Personally, I want to know why our protagonist can’t go screw himself

with some rusty nails.

Topher: Because you can’t screw nails, silly!

Now Sabre is a chestnut unicorn with walnut brown mane and crossed swords with purple blades for a Cutie mark.

Scarlet: ~Now Old Red was the damndest dog that I had ever seen/got a nose that can smell a two-day trail, he’s a four-legged trackin’ machine~

CaptainPisqueak: ~You can consider yourself mighty lucky to get past the gators and

the quicksand beds/But all the years that I been here ain’t nobody got past Red.~

Crazy56U: ...well, at least he’s not an alicorn…

Bucephalus: I’d love him to be an alicorn if he got his horn with one of those

aforementioned nails.

CaptainPipsqueak: Actually, if Saran Wrap is a chestnut unicorn, what was Sandwich

Bag before?

"Urgent message from Ponyville comes from a Miss.Cheerilee.". At the mention of his cousin Sabre ran to the guard using magic to open the message.

SC276: So wait, did you open the letter using magic, or run using magic?

JofY: Silly SC, you don’t run with magic in your hands, you could cut someone.

Crazy56U: No, he sliced the letter open with magic, duh. ...well, that and the guard...

"Dear Celestial Sabre I've come bearing bad news Scootaloo has been kidnapped!" startled at the statement he momentairaly stopped reading to catch his breath and kept reading.

Scarlet: Sometimes, in order to read, one must not-read. The Zen of letters.

CaptainPisqueak: Reading tires him. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our hero, Celestial Sabre!

Crazy56U: Huh, so he has severe asthma? That’s... interesting…

Bucephalus: Dear Cuz, this fanfiction doesn’t need you. Go find a far more crappy universe to inhabit.

Topher: I’ve seen news of a kidnapping delivered better by King Koopa.

CaptainPisqueak: Hey, at least then she’d be staying at a hotel. You could do worse.

"I need you Sabre your the only unicorn other than Twilight who would help well Twilight is out of town but contacted me I need you to get her back I promised Mom I would take care of her, please she needs you!".

SC276: ...OK, uh, one, you couldn’t have a letter sent to Twilight? You never specified how far away she is, she might even be closer than this guy. Two, you haven’t “come” anywhere, you sent a letter. Three, “Help me, OC Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

Crazy56U: Okay, is it wrong that I seriously thought that Twilight was Cheerilee’s mom because of how that was written?

CaptainPipsqueak: If that sentence were any more run-on, we’d have to chase it.

Bucephalus: Last week we referenced Undertale. Now, with the upcoming FA, all references must be to Star Wars. Got it?

Topher: *explodes in a cloud of hype*

He dropped the letter grabbed his armor and took off!

CaptainPipsqueak: EXCITEMENT!

Crazy56U: Presumably by bursting through the ceiling…

Bucephalus: And then he left the story. The end.

Sabre arrived at Ponyville within the hour with the help of his magic.

SC276: Hmm, the Friendship Express was going from Ponyville to Canterlot during the MMMM episode, right? I suppose that would be an overnight trip then, but I refuse to believe he managed to clear that distance in an hour with just “magic” alone. Teleportation is too quick for “within the hour,” and I doubt he would levitate himself the entire way.

Crazy56U: Well, following up on my ceiling theory, given how fast he would need to go for a sudden takeoff and to burst through the ceiling, my reasoning is that he turned into a missile. ...how he managed to not blow up is a separate thing entirely...

I mean he is the second in command of the royal guard.

JofY: Like, look at how special he his. My god.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes; truly he is a snowflake of startling brilliance.

Crazy56U: “I mean… y’know?”

Bucephalus: Shh. Don’t tell him that he’s actually being taught to make spaghetti.

Topher: I have no clue what’s going on, but if spaghetti is being made, I’m all for it.

Shining Armor recognized his abilities at the attack on Canterlot when he used his magic weapons to dispatch twenty Changelings in a matter of moments.

SC276: Why yes, now is the perfect time for the crash course on the backstory of the character we don’t give a shit about!

Scarlet: [Shining] “Good job dispatching twenty changelings in a matter of moments. Yes, that’s still a frighteningly small percentage of the overall invasion force, but it’s the thought that counts.”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Shining] “You took out those changelings by being knocked unconscious and falling on them, but I care about results, dammit!”

JofY: [Shining] “Wow. You beat up less changelings that my sister did! You’re the new second in command!”

Crazy56U: Which is code for “they ganged up on him and almost beat him to death while he was sobbing in the fetal position”...

Bucephalus: [Changeling No. 1] Let him win. He’s the writer’s fave.

"Well here I am." he said as he walked to the school.

SC276: [Sabre] “I’m gonna rock you like a hurricane.”

JofY: So, he’s a one hit wonder?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “...I think? I mean, this is Ponyville, right, tell me I didn’t get lost

again…”

Topher: [Prince Rutherford] “You make wrong turn at Apploosa. This YakYakistan.”

"Sabre oh thank Celestia your here!" said Cheerilee as she beckoned me in and explained to the students why I was here.

Scarlet: Dear god, he’s killed the narrator and taken over the story!

JofY: Someone call the police!

CaptainPipsqueak: Did...did the author just forget that the story was in third-person?

Crazy56U: No, the narrator got fed up and quit.

When two fillies a unicorn with a cotton candy mane and white fur,

CaptainPipsqueak: The fillies then ate the mane and were sent off with a swift slap to the ass.

Crazy56U: ...don’t tell me that’s supposed to be Pinkie’s kid...

and a yellow with red maned earth pony I recognized as Scootaloo's friends Applebloom, and Sweetiebell!

Crazy56U: ...Author, do you not know what Sweetie’s mane looks like?

"Well hello there girls how are you doing, you know with Scoots gone." said Sabre.

JofY: [Saber] “I hope that the random disappearance of your best friend isn’t hurting you right now. I mean, who knows where she is. She could already be dead. That is, if she wasn’t taken to do stuff even worse than that to her. But anyways, how does that make you feel?”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Sabre] “Yeah, right now some unknown menace could be having its way with her. Possibly sexually, possibly violently. Why, at this very moment the unknown assailant might be skinning her alive! So, do you feel like sushi for lunch? I’m in a sushi mood.”

Crazy56U: Dude, you suck at comforting children.

They remained silent "Not so good huh?" he exclaimed.

SC276: ...if Scootaloo was taken from her bed, Spike’s letter-sending is as far as we know instantaneous but is at least really quick even if the smoke has to physically go to its destination, Sabre is easy to track down since he’s of such a high position, and he got to the scene within an hour… unless she was kidnapped at the break of dawn, which is one of the stupidest times possible to commit a crime, it should be the middle of the night.

Crazy56U: Seriously... you suck.

The unicorn stepped up and said "Please bring Scootaloo back she's our best friend." She sniffled.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Sweetie Bell(e)]: “And only she knows where the drugs are hidden!”

Crazy56U: [Sweetie] “She also owes me, like, 10 bits…”

"Don't worry I will after all she's family, and I will do anything for family! ANY THING!" I exclaimed. Already thinking about how I'm gonna save Scoots."

SC276: You’re overselling, ya dip.

Scarlet: ANYTHING?

Crazy56U: Dude, don’t think about it, just do it! Seriously, why did the Author make this guy the most incompetent pony ever?

Bucephalus: Every second you spend trying to show how epic you are, another minute that Scootaloo is subjected to horrible torture.

Topher: This scene bores me. NEXT! *claps hands*

CaptainPipsqueak: But what would Swingandamiss do for a Klondike bar?

"Ow!" moaned Scootaloo as she noticed the pain in the back of her head.

Crazy56U: She got whiplash from the sudden, unexpected shift in narration…

Topher: ...I didn’t know I could do that.

Where was she? Panic gripped her as she felt the binds around her hooves. She was yelling "HELP HELP HELP ME!"

JofY: “I I I have a stuttering problem!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “My record-player’s busted!”

Crazy56U: Little did Scootaloo know that the binds being used were actually Twizzlers and she could’ve escaped 10 times over by now…

Bucephalus: Suddenly, she realized she was in a terrible fanfic.

Topher: And that’s when Pinkamena, Big Mac, and Cheerilee all came out with knives, in the gorefic to end all gorefics.

she yelled knowing well that she was kidnapped.

SC276: Um… duh?

CaptainPipsqueak: You need to remember that this is Scootaloo we’re talking about. Crazy56U: As opposed to being abandoned at IHOP like last time...

Topher: She originally thought she was at IHOP, but when nobody brought her any bacon, she realized something was up.

Chapter 2 I need a hoof

CaptainPipsqueak: You’ve got four!

SC276: Well at least the chapters are short… though it’ll probably help this fic’s badness as a bullet’s size helps it kill people.

Scarlet: Twelve small doses is still enough cyanide to be lethal.

Crazy56U: How’s about a fist instead? (punches the story)

Bucephalus: You do realize that you’re just making it worse for everyone involved? Just give up and suffer.

Crazy56U: (shakes hand in pain) Was that directed to me, I’m confused…

Topher: See, injuries like that are the reason I use guns. And knives. And bear traps. And grenades. And robot foxes.

Applebloom, Sweetiebell, and I decided to check around Ponyville for clues regarding the foal nappings.

SC276: You’re bringing two foals to investigate foalnappings. Why was this guy called again?

Scarlet: No, no, foal nappings. They’re tracking down the best place to take a nap.

Crazy56U: This amounted to the three of them walking around town with a bullhorn screaming “SCOOTALOO, WHERE ARE YOU?!”

CaptainPipsqueak: SCOOTALOO!

Bucephalus: I think our protagonist is Chaotic Stupid.

Topher: They also shook a bag of chicken feed in hope of luring her out. I’m not apologizing.

CaptainPipsqueak: Baked or fried?

"No I can't say I know to much about it." said one pony after another

JofY: Well, clearly every single pony saying the same rehearsed line, doesn’t mean anything.

Crazy56U: I mean, they story’s moving at such a breakneck pace, I doubt they even

know who they are anymore…

Topher: Or Ponyville is populated by NPCs.

until we found a young colt he looked rather bloodied and bruised if I might say.

Crazy56U: Okay then, tonal shift much…

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Yes you just might say so. That’s a definite probability. You might also comment on the weather or any such things.

"Oh my what happened to you, are you hurt?" I asked but he just muttered

SC276: That’s a bit of an obvious question, isn’t it?

Crazy56U: [Colt] “No, I’m just peachy, thanks for asking!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Colt] “Most of the blood isn’t mine; you should see the state of the other poor fuck.”

"Rrrrainbow..."

CaptainPipsqueak: ...connnnnnnectionnnnn.....

SC276: Of course, it’s Twilight Sparkle, because Reading Rainbow! ...Actually, given Twilight was mentioned as being absent in the last chapter, that would make for a more appropriate ending then who we know he’s talking about.

JofY: “R-royal raiiiiiinbow.”

Crazy56U: Oh God, Rainbow Bright is going on a rampage!

before blacking out I quickly got an ambulance and let the doctors handle it from here.

SC276: [Sabre] “See if you can also do something about all the tense changes. They’re starting to induce dementia in the readers.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I quite literally pulled the ambulance out of my ass, I don’t know how though…”

Bucephalus: What? Our protagonist has yet to get a PHD? Truly, the author must be slipping.

I still wondered who would hurt such a innocent foal like that and the word he muttered "rainbows"

Crazy56U: ...close, he said “rainbow”. Singular.

Topher: Meanwhile, in the doctor's office...

I wasn't sure what it meant but something clicked in the back of my mind but I couldn't put my hoof on it.

Scarlet: [Sabre] “Wait… that’s it! Butterfly in the sky! We can go twice as high!”

SC276: How can something click and you not know what it is? That isn’t how epiphanies work!

CaptainPipsqueak: Given how many things the author’s done wrong already, what’s one more thing?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I even went and asked Rainbow Dash is she knew what the colt meant by that. She promptly punched me in the jaw in fear and ran, so I guess she doesn’t know either.”

Bucephalus: That clicking, my friend, was a gun. Farewell.

"We're do yah think Scoots is, I'm scared.' said Applebloom.

Crazy56U: As you should be, Apple Bloom, given how you and Sweetie are now

apparently Scootaloo’s current location...

"Don't worry I'll find her but I'll need some helping hooves, ok."

CaptainPipsqueak: [Apple Bloom]: “OK!”

Crazy56U: “Sabre said, brandishing a knife.”

Sabre exclaimed. They nodded and we continued on. Taking a break round noon for a snack at Sugar CubeCorner were we thought about a plan.

SC276: [Sabre] “OK, now that we got rid of all the appropriate paragraph breaks, we can’t possibly be overheard.”

Crazy56U: I don’t know, Sabre. Were you thought out a plan?

Bucephalus: A were-we thought! At a full moon, their thoughts all combine to make a terrible story. Quick, grab the silver bullets.

Topher: *rummages in a pocket, pulls out a small box* I’ve only got enough to kill six, aim for the core concepts.

"Ok from what I've gathered the foals in question were all pegasus ponies and they were taken round midnight at the latest, and from what I've hearted that colt said were he got injured a place called "Rainbow Factory"

Scarlet: [Sabre] “And I’ve hearted many things over the years.”

JofY: Clearly this one foal I found has a connection to a conspiracy I just made up!

SC276: You’re in Ponyville and you draw connections to the Rainbow Factory and not Rainbow Dash?

Crazy56U: So, does this take place in the same continuity as "A Friendship Broken by Loyalty”, just curious…

Bucephalus: Rainbow Factory… I thought that we’d never have to return there. Oh dear.

CaptainPipsqueak: Continuity? Oh you poor deluded bugger...

Topher: Fanfiction follows the same rules of continuity as the Evil Dead movies, but with less Bruce Campbell.

I don't know why he would say that the place was safe

Crazy56U: Neither do I, since he quite literally never once said that. Are you just

bored with how the story is currently going and are trying to rewrite it as it goes?

Topher: Evil. Dead. Continuity.

as houses last time I checked" said Sabre. Now Sabre was one of the few unicorns who are able to walk on clouds due to magic.

Scarlet: ~Now you might consider yourself mighty hooky to get ‘round the gators and the quicksand beds/but in all these years that I’ve been here, ain’t nobody got past Red.~

SC276: Anypony with the right spell and the unicorn to cast it can walk on clouds. Why would that be innate with you? Your cutie mark even doesn’t have anything to do with it.

Crazy56U: After all, as Joe Quesada once said: “It’s magic, we don’t have to explain it.”

Bucephallus: I’m going to go watch The Force Awakens to drown my sorrows. Anyone want to join me?

"I've heard that name before." said Sweetie before falling down on the floor grabbing her head screaming to stop hurting me you pegasus jerks!

Scarlet: Sweetie, I know it hurts, but protesting like that won’t end the story any faster. I’ve checked.

JofY: [Sweetie] “ARGH! Not my unexplainable psychic powers!”

Crazy56U: (worried) Uh, guys, I think Sweetie’s having an aneurysm, someone call

the hospital…

Bucephalus: No. I reserved all the beds for us. We’re going to need them by the end of this travesty.

The fits continued for a little bit then stopped when she got up and said "What happened?" thus I told her of what happened. "I..I..I don't know how that happened I just know something happened there." she said.

Scarlet: [Sweetie] “See? It’s in the script.”

SC276: As if a million voices suddenly cried out in agony and were silenced.

CaptainPipsqueak: I thought there were only, like, five of us...

Crazy56U: [Sweetie] “Yeah, I’m psychic now, deal with it.”

Bucephalus: [God] “You should kill him.” A million kudos to you if you get that reference.

"First you should rest, after an fit like that it's a good idea." said Sabre. Sweetie nodded and I brought her home. Rarity was so upset at what had happened.

"Why how dreadful are you ok Sweetiebelle." said Rairity.

Scarlet: [Rairity] “I AM NOT DECOY ROBOT RARITY I AM REAL THING SWEETIEBELLE BEEP BOOP.”

Crazy56U” [Rarity] “(clearly drunk) No, I d-didn’t get into the wi- hic! wine again, why you a-a-ask?”

CaptainPipsqueak: One of these days, Sweetie Belle will see a doctor about getting a space inserted into her name. She just needs to save up enough bits.

"Sweetie just needs rest" I told her. I led her inside the boutique to her room and went back to Sugar Cube Corner.

Scarlet: Because saving Scootaloo from the place you just got a lead on can wait until after you finish your munchies. Our hero!

SC276: So, you left Apple Bloom unsupervised? I suppose you determined that only pegasus foals were at risk, but still, not letting her make sure her friend is getting some rest is a dick move.

Crazy56U: Uh, are we sure that Sweetie Bell isn’t dead now?

Bucephalus: Occam’s razor. We’ll have to live without it till the end of this, Crazy. I’m sorry.

CapainPipsqueak: You know, Occam’s gonna be absolutely pissed when he needs to shave and he learns we cribbed his razor. Why do we have the damn thing, anyway?

Bucephalus: According to Occam’s Razor, we’re kleptos.

Topher: *bowing before a razor in a display case* OH, MIGHTY RAZOR, TELL US MORE TRUTHS!

Chapter 3 Scootaloo's prison

Scootaloo could hear the faint hum of machinery as she was awoken.

Scarlet: For the second time now?

JofY: Yeah, it’s likely been weeks since Scootaloo has been kidnapped. That’s what all the tense changes were for, right?

SC276: ~Now she’s awoken and she’s taking back control…~

Crazy56U: SHE’S IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM!

Bucephalus: Time for your root canal!

Her head hurt she was bruised and in pain, most importantly scared.

SC276: Yes, her being scared is more important than the actual injuries.

Crazy56U: Her head was scared, the rest of her body was annoyed.

Bucephalus: Guys, I’ve lost an artery. But, more importantly, I think this story is crap.

"No I have to stay calm, cool, and collected now how do I get out?" said Scootaloo in hushed rapid tones.

SC276: Well that was fast.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Yes, what do you think, voices in my head?”

[Voices] “rainbowdashrainbowdashrainbowdashrainbowdashrainbowdash”

[Scootaloo] “Aw, come on, that’s your answer to everything.”

Topher: Scootaloo has issues, doesn’t she?

She looked around and she saw the first of many horrors to come.

Scarlet: The line to get into the theater for the new Star Wars movie!

JofY: Why are there so many Jar-Jar Binks cosplayers!?

CaptainPipsqueak: Immense self-hatred?

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “There’s more story?!?!”

Bucephalus: But no Darth Jar Jar?

CaptainPipsqueak: I said ‘self-hatred’, not ‘cleverness.’

A headless colt lying on the ground with all the color basically sucked out of him or her she couldn't tell from this angle,

SC276: Yeah, uh, for the sake of my own sanity, I’m just going to pretend the author’s attempting a ripoff of Rainbow Factory instead of anything resembling in continuity with it.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Oh my gosh, that pony’s been Godfather-ed!”

Bucephalus: Um… Color draining? Wasn’t that an episode of Gen 2 or something? Or a Care Bears movie? Is the other really that cheap?

but she knew she might join the foal when a knife pierced her flank and she saw the eyes of a psychopath it was her hero Rainbowdash!

Scarlet: [Rainbowdash] “I AM NOT CYBORG IMPERSONATOR I AM REAL RAINBOW DASH WHIIIIIR CLANK.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(repeatedly jabbing Scootaloo with the knife) Jabity, jabity, jab jab jab!”

Bucephalus: Then, her other hero, Rainbow Dash, came and beat the snot out of Rainbowdash.

Topher: THIS SCENE BORES ME! *claps hands*

"Hey Applebloom what's got you troubled other than the obvious?" asked Sabre.

Scarlet: I take it the author hasn’t ever heard of the concept of “line breaks”.

SC276: Aaaaaand there’s the whiplash. It hurts.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pft. I had whiplash before it was cool.

Fallen Prime: Hipster whiplash? Hiplash?

Crazy56U: And thus the true cause for Random Pony’s decapitation is revealed: he was whiplashed to death.

"I'm just worried Scoots is gone, and now Sweetie I think she lost it." said Applebloom.

JofY: “Sweetie bell is always losing Scootaloo. I mean, can’t she just know where she left her, for like five minutes!?”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “I mean, one of my friends was ponynapped, and the other

went mental, overall this is a pretty lackluster Tuesday all things considered…”

She glanced around the unusually quiet sweets shop

Crazy56U: Fun Fact: I accidentally misread that as “sweat shop” and got concerned...

Topher: In a rare double whammy, Rainbow Factory and Pony.mov are both canon here.

like she was worried about some one sneaking around to get her.

Crazy56U: Well, Rainbow’s busy murdering Scootaloo in the other scene, honey, I

think you’ll be fine...

Now that's just what I thought she quickly looked back to the table knowing that I was looking at her.

Scarlet: And she looked at you. And you looked at her. And we get it, we know how the joke works by this point!

Crazy56U: [Saber] “I like pulling double duty as character and narrator! It makes me feel like I’m not completely useless!”

"You okay Applebloom?" I asked. But she only remained quiet. "Well she's gonna be fine Scoots and Sweetie alike."

Crazy56U: Scootaloo and Sweetie are the same pony? What?!

Bucephalus: They melted, then got fused with DETERMINATION!

I said hoping to cheer her up. But to no avail.

SC276: Yeah, given Scootaloo’s actually been stabbed by now… that or the author has no idea what “pierce” means…

Crazy56U: Again: you suck at comforting children, dude...

"Why hello there." said a blue pegasus that I recognized as.

Scarlet: Soarin’? Windchaser? Cloudy Skies? Indigo Zap?

Crazy56U: Sonic in pony form!

"RainbowDash." I said to say hello to the captain of the weather team.

Scarlet: Oh I see, Rainbow is apparently in two places at once. Well my riff about the cyborg impersonator was dead on.

SC276: [Sabre] “Dinkleberg…”

Crazy56U: Fuck, I forgot to factor in the possibility that Rainbow could teleport, RUN APPLE BLOOM!

Bucephalus: If she can teleport, doesn’t that make running futile?

Topher: OH SHIT HE’S RIGHT!

We met a few months back at the wedding of Shining and Cadence.

Crazy56U: Huh. ...so, technically, this is a Canterlot Wedding fic...

Why if it wasn't for her and her friends I would be dead now. I know I said I took on twenty changelings by myself well number twenty one kinda got me off guard.

Crazy56U: Holy fuck, so my “they ganged up on him” joke is canon?!

Bucephalus: No. They came at him one on one, then the last one snuck up from behind.

I'd be dead if Rainbow Dash hadn't kicked it of me.

Scarlet: Wait wait wait. Did an OC just acknowledge a canon character’s contributions as being helpful, necessary, and overall important? what strange land of madness is this?

SC276: You were anywhere near where the Mane 6 fought against the changelings?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, this is some goofy shit we’re seeing here.

Crazy56U: GGGGGGGGOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!

"Why hello there mister second in command." She said in a sarcastic tone. "I heard you were looking for Scootaloo, I've come to help out, wouldn't be the element of loyalty if I didn't." she said.

Scarlet: So let’s take bets on whether she’s going to backstab him or there really is a cyborg evil Rainbow Dash in this!

JofY: Is she still being sarcastic?

SC276: I know we are.

Captainipsqueak: We haven’t stopped yet.

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow pulled out said Element and proceeded to shank him with it.

I was glad to hear that more ponies were here to help. "Thank you miss I guess I owe you another favor then?" I said rubbing the back of my head.

"Don't worry about it looking for Scootaloo is enough for my help in Canterlot." She said.

Scarlet: Wouldn’t be the Element of Loyalty if she didn’t expect repayment for her previous good deeds.

SC276: Plus his 80% interest, compounded daily…

CaptainPipsqueak: And that’s why Rainbow’s my favorite.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “...so, that’s a yes, then?”

[Rainbow Dash] “Oh, hell yes.”

"Thank you." quietly said Applebloom or Applegloom (sorry for the bad pun).

JofY: (fires a gun)

CaptainPipsqueak: No you’re not, you lying fuck.

Crazy56U: (nose begins bleeding)

Topher: Ok, lesson time. If you’re trying to be dark, don’t write puns.

But seriously I've never seen her with such little spirit, she worried me.

SC276: If she worries you so much, why you joking in the first place?!

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s a coping mechanism.

Crazy56U: Wait, so someone stole Apple Bloom’s soul?

"I'll look around Cloudsdale for her if you need me give me a shout." said Rainbow Dash as she dashed away.

Scarlet: Aaaah, I see. She’s Rainbow Dash, imposter’s Rainbowdash… no that doesn’t work, Sabre greeted her as Rainbowdash. So maybe- aha, that’s it! The author is just terrible!

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “BRB, gonna kill Scootaloo!”

[Sabre] “Wha-”

[Rainbow Dash] “NOTHING!”

Chapter 4 not a single soul gets through.

Scarlet: The rejected slogan for humanity pitching the “trap ‘em all in a giant barrier” plan to deal with the monsters in Undertale.

SC276: [human] “How were we supposed to know they were capable of getting out by working together?!”

Crazy56U: (buzz) What is “Dark Souls”?

Two hours later. "What do you even need me for!" yelled Scootaloo.

Crazy56U: Poor dear, she’s questioning why she’s still in the story…

CaptainPipsqueak: Sounds like the right thing to do, if you ask me.

She directed her question at Rainbow Dash as she opened the door. Already scared by the dark, cold, blood stained room with corpses all over the room.

Scarlet: [Rainbow Dash] “Marketing! I need a cute sidekick character or my upcoming movie won’t reach out to the young foal demographic!”

JofY: [Scootaloo] “You monster!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Wasn’t she RainbowDash just a few paragraphs back?

SC276: (slams head against the wall) I know I said I wouldn’t consider this Rainbow Factory, but the device is a fucking GRINDER!

Crazy56U: Here, friend, maybe this will make you happy.

"How do you not remember I know it was months ago, but how do you not remember?"

Crazy56U: That is a fucking paradox.

said an obviously annoyed Rainbow Dash.

Scarlet: [Scootaloo] “Look, my brain deletes offensively stupid information. It’s a survival mechanism.”

Crazy56U: Uh, Narrator, that line came off more as her being confused more than anything else...

"But if I must explain,

SC276: Oh god, no, I don’t want more exposition.

Crazy56U: Which means you’re about to ramble incoherently.

here at the rainbow factory we create the rainbows for all of Equestria after an incident our princess was unable to do so,

Crazy56U: There is a very easy and very horrible joke one can make here...

as such she came to the pegusi for help, and so we made a factory to create rainbows but we kept one thing secret from the princess." said Rainbow Dash.

Scarlet: And that secret thing is that these rainbows are sugar-free and made entirely from artificial sweetener.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Scootaloo]: “You...monster.”

Crazy56U: Also, apparently this doesn’t share “A Friendship Broken by Loyalty”’s continuity… ...is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

CaptainPipsqueak: And if she went to the pegusi for help, how does this involve Rainbow Dash? She’s not a pegusus.

"And what's that?" asked Scootaloo regretting asking that.

Scarlet: Meta-Scootaloo begins to tire of this bullshit.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Let me guess, you grind up ponies into rainbo-”

[Rainbow Dash] “God damn it, Scootaloo, you spoiled the big reveal!”

"We needed foals to create them there colorful spirits were capable of being turned into a liquid state and released into the air to make rainbows, and now you know." she answered.

Scarlet: What a completely wasteful use of perfectly decent blood magic components!

SC276: I swear, no one who’s written a Rainbow Factory fic has ever actually read Rainbow Factory.

Crazy56U: And knowing is half the meme.

CaptainPipsqueak: Big deal; the other half is gunplay and explosions. Which would you rather have?

"NO NO NO!" screamed Scootaloo now fearful for her life.

JofY: She wasn’t before? What did she think was going to happen?

Crazy56U: [Scootloo] “I WAS TOLD WE WEREN’T RIPPING OFF THAT STORY! OH

GOD NO!”

Her mind was a flurry of fear as she struggled against her bonds to no avail.

SC276: Oh, right, she’s tied up. Augh…

Crazy56U: Sean Connery, stop holding Scootaloo captive!

Back at Ponyville I Celestial Sabre

SC276: I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS…

Crazy56U: Ponyville I? ...there’s more than one Ponyville now?

CaptainPipsqueak: Sure. Ever since the parasprite thing, they keep spares.

was stumped.

Crazy56U: So, par for the course?

"Why can't I find anything I've searched every corner of Ponyville, and the foalnapper couldn't of escaped as soon as the disappearances started pegusi, and unicorns haven't let any pony leave or enter the town so now were?" I said to myself.

Scarlet: [Colt from Earlier] “Seriously I nearly died to give you that fucking rainbows clue, dickweed.”

Crazy56U: Oh sure, now he can say a shit-ton of words without getting winded...

"Hello there can I talk to you? " asked a purple unicorn that I also knew.

"Why Twilight Sparkle how goes you?" I asked.

Scarlet: Didn’t you just say she was unavailable because of the reason?

SC276: Plus no one’s left or entered the town!

Crazy56U: ...maybe she was getting drunk and didn’t want to be disturbed?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m pretty sure we all envy her if that’s the case.

"Oh fine but I heard about Scootaloo and came to help in any way I can." said Twilight.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I was taking my sweet ass time to do so, of course, because I

needed to get shitfaced before taking part in this tripe. As ya do.”

Glad for the extra help I accepted her help. "Then let's get to work!" she said with an adventurous glint in her eyes.

Scarlet: Wait wait wait. A canon character went out of her way to drop her obligations and make sure that the OC in question has back-up for what might be a dangerous mission? I don’t even know what to make of this!

SC276: I dunno, a canon character going out of her way to drop her obligations for the OC seems like a normal thing.

CaptainPipsqueak: Even for a dipfuck like this?

Crazy56U: Yeah, uh huh, “adventurous glint”. Look, Author, you aren’t changing my mind: Twilight is plastered, and that’s all there is to it.

"Aaaah stop stop please stop!" yelled Scootaloo as her captor just played with her slowly cutting into her flesh with her knife. But she didn't stop.

SC276: Just like the author!

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Seriously, stop, you’re doing this wrong! Aren’t I supposed to be in some kind of grinder or some-”

[Rainbow Dash] “I SAID SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!”

Trying to reason with the psycho pony was out of the window she tried to threaten her. "If you kill me I'll haunt you for the rest of your life!" she said.

Scarlet: They all say that. At most about three percent actually end up doing it.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Seriously, I’m gonna go all Poltergeist on your flank!”

CaptainPipsqueak: The original or the shitty remake?

Crazy56U: Yes.

"Oh, but you see I can leave but as for you not a single soul gets through!" Rainbow Dash laughed.

JofY: See! Even Rainbow Dash thinks the dialogue is hilariously bad!

SC276: [author] “Let’s see, how can I really connect this generic murder!Dash fic to Rainbow Factory so I can leech off its long-since-peaked success…? Oh, I know, I’ll quote the song with no attempt to make the narrative flow with it! Perfect!”

Crazy56U: Oh, fuck, Rainbow doesn’t believe in ghosts...

Terrified Scootaloo could only sit there terrified for death, then she screamed "HELP ME!"

Scarlet: Well, good luck with that Scootaloo. At this rate Sabre will be here just in time to pick up your remains.

Crazy56U: Hopefully, she’ll be able to burst Rainbow’s ear drums with her screams...

Chapter 5 We find the trail

Crazy56U: (pulls out a copy of “Oregon Trail”) We sure do!

Applebloom was just leaving Sweet Apple Acres to check if her friend Sweetiebell was okay when she saw something flutter down in front of her. "Now what in tarnation could that be?" she exclaimed before picking the item up to examine it. "It looks like a mask but who's mask is it?"

Scarlet: Zorro, no!

SC276: Zorro, yes!

Crazy56U: Zorro, maybe!

she said as she decided to give this to Sabre in case he knew anything about it cause it looked mighty similar to something she'd seen before, but she couldn't put her hoof on it. Shrugging she trotted off into town.

Scarlet: [Applejack] “Eh, consarn it, story ain’t gettin’ any closer to bein’ finished if I don’t get up and do something about it.”

Crazy56U: (confused) W-wait, I-I thought it was Apple Bloom we were following?

SC276: If you’re telling me that Rainbow dropped her mask flying over the Acres, I question why she would even have it, or at least not have it in a secure container where no one would be able to fucking see it.

While flying up to the factory a strong wind current came and slammed into RainbowDash as she was sifting through her sattlebags knocking her mask out of her grasp. "Oh horse shoes!" she exclaimed. She really should of gone after it but she wasn't going to be late for work over one mask. She closed her bags and dashed through the clear blue.

Scarlet: Wait what’s going on here? Why are we flashing back? Did AJ find the mask before or after Rainbow begins menacing Scootaloo? Time is warped and space is bendable!

Crazy56U: You’re telling me! Apparently, Apple Bloom turned into Applejack mid-story!

CaptainPipsqueak: So puberty and a body-swap? Ouch.

SC276: And if we’re in first-person Sabre-cam, why are we getting any of this?!

Sabre was talking to Cheerilee trying to calm her, she was so worried about Scootaloo that she was hardly able to function.

SC276: Or maybe we’re not in first-person MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a bottle of “Clamato”) Here, sounds like you need a drink...

SC276: Save it for next week.

Topher: *pulls out a can of gasoline* Fine, Let’s drink this. *Starts chugging*

Seeing her like that told me if I didn't find her soon she would cease to function at all. Twilight came back with three cups of tea.

Scarlet: I’m just going to play this recording of Scootaloo’s terrified screams through every single one of the following scene of our heroes failing to follow up on the lead Sabre even connected to the factory. And not to Rainbow Dash, shockingly.

Crazy56U: Yes, tea will save Scootaloo! Good job, Twilight! (takes a swig of “Clamato”)

CapptainPipsqueak: Anyone wanna pizza? I feel like a pizza. Anyone wanna pizza?

Topher: I could go for a pizza. Should we pay cash, credit, or can I just shoot the pizza guy?

She sat them on the table and sat down relaying the evidence. "And then you heard that colt saw "Rainbow Factory" right?". I nodded yes,

Crazy56U: Except no. Again, all the colt said, said not saw, was “Rainbow”. ...granted,

that is what he was trying to say, but how in the FUCK did you realize that he was

trying to say that?!

and she continued. "Doesn't Rainbow Dash run that place now, and should we go up to check it out I've got a spell that could let us walk on clouds." she said.

Scarlet: So far, things Sabre has solved- zero. Things Twilight and the mane six have started to solve- all of them. Why is he even here?

SC276: Call him Ishmael, maybe?

Crazy56U: He’s here because he’s pulling double duty as the Load, obviously.

CaptainPipsqueak: On the bright side, at least he hasn’t fucked any of them, either.

Topher: Give it time.

"As do I, but what does the Rainbow Factory have to do with the foalnappings?" I asked.

SC276: How about the beat-up foal talking about it apparently.

Crazy56U: Okay, Sabre, I know you have the brainpower of a grapefruit, but if you think really hard, you can put it together... You can do it honey, I believe in you...

"I don't know but we should check just to be sure." she said as an anxious yellow filly came in panting.

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Look. It’s a Rainbow Factory spin-off. You know it, I know it. We’d both be happier if it weren’t, but that’s the hand we got dealt and we’re playing it to the end.”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Oh thank God I found you guys, I got lost due to all the sudden scene changes!”

"Mister Sabre I think you should see this." she said between pants, and as I took it Cheerilee let out a small yelp.

"The foal napper was wearing that mask!" she said before remembering Scootaloo and going quiet yet again.

Scarlet: [Cheerilee] “Admittedly I’m not sure what good they thought a domino mask was going to do given it couldn’t possibly hide a distinct, seven-colored mane, but you know.”

Crazy56U: As it happens, Rainbow just got done robbing a bank prior to taking Scootaloo...

"Well I say we give the factory a visit." I said seeing the rainbow colored hair in the top of the mask

Scarlet: Celestial Sabre- ace detective. Only took you this long to decide to follow up on your leads.

SC276: Get on with it!

Crazy56U: Also, I’d recommend washing that mask if you plan to keep touching it; given what Rainbow’s been doing, I doubt that that’s clean...

"PLEASE LET ME GO!" Scootaloo yelled as Rainbow Dash "softened her up" so the machine wouldn't get clogged.

JofY: So, she forced Scootaloo to take a bath?

Crazy56U: No, she poured fabric softener all over her.

She was covered in cuts, gashes, and bruises now and one of her eyes swollen shut. She just wanted to go home.

Scarlet: Take us with you!

Crazy56U: Or, better option, a better story. ...or a hospital...

But if I do that I could be killed, arrested, or both why I can't let that happen no hard feelings."

SC276: I just checked the original fic, and yes, this giant mass of spaces here is actually there.

Crazy56U: Okay, thank you for checking that, I thought something happened when this got dumped into Google Docs… That, or Scarlet did something to it…

CaptainPipsqueak: I think that could have only helped.

she said extending her hoof then realizing the foal was bound she just picked up a knife and slashed.

Scarlet: Come to think of it, where the hell is Rainbow holding that knife? Her wings? Her mouth? A specialized device for wielding knives?

JofY: Granted, Scootaloo missed… BECAUSE SHE CAN’T MOVE IN HER STATE!

Crazy56U: ...the bonds? Did she slash the bonds?

"We're almost there" said Twilight as we descended onto Cloudsdale.

Crazy56U: ...you can’t descend into the sky...

The city was a beautiful assortment of buildings made of pure white clouds, pegusi flying all over the place,

SC276: Gee, author, thanks for assuming the people on the MLP fanfic website haven’t seen the show!

Crazy56U: Oh, so that’s why it’s named Cloudsdale! I thought it was because it was made out of dreams!

but what cought my eye was the cloud sending rainbows into the blue sky.

Scarlet: That cought my eye too. And it won’t let go. I had to replace it.

SC276: “Cought” sounds Transylvanian or something.

CaptainPipsqueak: How would you pronounce that? ‘Kawft’?

Crazy56U: That cloud is puking up rainbows? ...huh, guess it’s a homosexual...

"Now let's get to the factory!" I said before landing on the factories balcony. They were greeted buy two pegusi in lab coats

SC276: Only if I can sell these five unicorns in bell-rimmed wizard hats.

Crazy56U: God DAMN it, would you fuck off with the ads, Author, this is why I have Adblock!

who beckoned for them to stop.

"Halt the Rainbow Factory is off limits please go back!" shouted the pegasus standing next to the balloon his name tag read "Tyler".

Scarlet: ...jeez, that pony’s parents must have hated him. That’s the Equestrian equivalent of naming someone “Starchild”.

Crazy56U: Hey, at least they didn’t name him “Sunpraiser”...

"Now that would be lovely, but RUN!" I yelled and Twilight and a jumped out running twords the factory.

JofY: Congratulations! You have successfully run into a door!

Scarlet: They missed and plummeted to the ground below. Twilight had prepared a feather fall spell. Sabre was not so lucky.

SC276: That actually worked. That was literally as stupid as telling them to hold their breath because of a gas leak and waiting for them to pass out.

Crazy56U: Wow. The only way that could’ve been stupider is if he pointed and shouted “I’m over there!”

Topher: *looks off to the side* where?

Chapter 6 The Confrontation

Crazy56U: Which should’ve happened, hmm, let’s be reasonable here... ...five chapters ago…

Topher: *bursts into song* Rainbow, at last, we see each other plain, Madame L’mayor, you’ll wear a different chain.

As we raced through the factory the employees chased us until we came upon a large steel door.

Crazy56U: Oh crap, a door. His greatest weakness!

CaptainPipsqeak: “Do I push it? Do I pull it? I’M SO CONFUSED!”

It was our only way through!

Crazy56U: ...as it should, because that’s how doors work!

So my horn blazed with my familiar purplish pink magic, and I morphed it into a sort of battering ram and bashed my way through.

Scarlet: *munches popcorn* Okay, magic fight. I can get behind this.

SC276: He beats out the door instead of just pulling open the sides because *waves arms everywhere*

Crazy56U: Or, failing that, he could’ve just blasted the door away. (steals some of Scarlet’s popcorn)

Topher: *sporting 3D glasses* GET TO THE FIGHT!

What we saw we couldn't bear.

JofY: No! Not the innocent bear!

Crazy56U: What’s the Author’s problem with “We Bare Bears”? Seriously...

Filly's and colts being tossed into a type of grinder, and on the other side a batch of rainbows came out!

Scarlet: Behold! The true origins of the Reading Rainbow! *evil cackle*

SC276: OK, if it is a grinder, why were there identifiable color-drained corpses before?

Crazy56U: Well, duh, how else do you think they power the grinder here?

Horrified Twilight Sparkle threw up all over the floor.

JofY: Normal Twilight Sparkle got thrown up on.

Crazy56U: But what about Apathetic Twilight Sparkle?

"I can't belive this,

SC276: I can’t “belive” your spelling.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “How am I walking on air?!”

in all my days I've arrested countless criminals, seen countless deaths but none disgusted me as much as this it it sickens me." I said disgusted.

Scarlet: I see our protagonist has had his ‘I can never forgive you’ moment. Anime levels in this room, increasing.

Crazy56U: [Narrator/Author] “Oh, BTW, Twilight’s also a part-time cop, just FYI.”

"I I I just need a minute you go ahead, don't worry I'll be fine just GO" she told me.

SC276: Eh, to get over this atrocious writing, you’ll need at least a week.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “‘K. (leaves the story)”

THE END

I bowed, turned twords the door on the other side and ran.

Scarlet: Towards. towards. Spell check!

Crazy56U: (scoff) That voodoo? Please...

BANG BANG

Scarlet: ~into your room-~

SC276: ~-Maxwell’s silver hammer came down upon his head...~

Crazy56U: Oh my god, he shot her down!

the sounds of Sabre's break in could be heard all the way through the factory. Completely mystified by what could have made that ruckus. "Well the janitors can clean up the mess I have work to do!" said the blue mare.

Scarlet: Who, Cloud Kicker?

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, Rainbow, the custodial staff have feelings too!

"You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into eh Dashie!" said Scootaloo smugly.

Scarlet: Oh, just say her goddamn name next time.

SC276: Has everyone else stopped giving a damn?

Crazy56U: Big talk coming from someone who should be dead by now...

"And what might that be hm I'd say our workers can handle what ever that was." she said right as the door shattered into pieces and an armored brown unicorn walked in a face full of rage.

Scarlet: 6/10 on the comic timing there. Decent effort, though!

Crazy56U: Huh. Sabre’s part Kool Aid Man...

"LET HER GO RAINBOW DASH OR ELSE!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I activated my horn turning my magic into the shape of a long sword.

Scarlet: ...actually, y’know, I kind of find this cute. He’s not the strongest mage of all time, he just uses his magic like a Green Lantern ring and forms energy constructs instead of casting more traditional spells. I mean this is gonna get messed up in five minutes, but credit where it’s due, I will take an OC with a specific and defined skill set over a red and black alicorn who is Twilight’s secret lover any day. I really don’t hate you yet, Sabre. Don’t get used to that, we have two fics to go.

SC276: Given how difficult it was for him to trace the foalnappings to the factory, perhaps we should be glad his imagination is limited.

Crazy56U: Okay, but real talk here: why can’t he just magic up a gun and shoot Rainbow right here and now?

JofY: That would be cheating.

"Now that was fast

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I should know I am fast you know.”

I guess you've ran out of patience, and I can't blame you

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I would want to get out of this stupid story too I mean

seriously we’re ripping off Rainbow Factory what’s up with that?”

I mean she's nearly dead your probobly exhausted and I'm just peachy."

SC276: That was like three sentences.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “And now we shall fight to the death and I shall kill you to death isn’t talking with run-on sentences and no punctuation so fun I think it is fun isn’t it fun I shall kill you now.”

said Rainbow Dash with a glint of challenge in her eyes as she picked up a knife longer than the rest.

Scarlet: with what

JofY: This knife was 6 cm instead of 5 cm!

Crazy56U: Oh God, she pulled that out of her ass!

I sent my magic blade flying and cleaved the knife into.

SC276: It’s a magic sword, author, not a katana.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Fuck, that’s what I get for buying knives from the Dollar General…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Into what? Julienne fries? Coleslaw? Garnish art? TELL MEEEEE!

Startled she jumped straight up, and hit the roof "owwww what the hay that was uncalled for!" she yelled.

Scarlet: Fight dialogue… you lost it. You had it. And you lost it.

JofY: “I mean, it’s like I kidnap children or something!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, how dare Sabre have no part in you literally jumping up to the ceiling and hitting your head, you STUPID DUMB HORSE.

"No your uncalled for you b#%4*

JofY: You bnumberpercentfourastrisk!

CaptainPipsqueak: I wonder what that would even sound like. Anyone want to fund a study?

SC276: No, you!

Crazy56U: Oh, come on, you’re ripping off “Rainbow Factory” and have shown

corpses and torture. You are fucking allow to fucking swear, you fucking fuckity fuck!

I'm not even begun to take out my rage on you." I yelled at her. I again lit up my horn making a spear this time, and lunged.

Crazy56U: Gun! Make a gun! Shoot her! Shoot! GUN! GUN!

JofY: *shoots Crazy56U* ...is that what you wanted?

Crazy56U: (rubs head in pain) No, but thank you, I needed that…

Topher: Would shooting you again help?

She dodged grabbed a hatchet and swung I blocked it, and through my spear at her she smacked it away with her hatchet.

Scarlet: I see that Rainbow Dash is wielding the holy weapons of the goddess of yandere.

SC276: Hold on, lemme look up the trope pantheon… The goddess of yandere is apparently Yuno Gasai from Mirai Nikki / Future Diary, and she apparently has an axe, so… right on the money there, Scar.

Crazy56U: You see, Sabre? That could’ve been avoided if you would just shoot her with the gun that YOU CAN EASILY MAKE!

JofY: Okay, I’m going to actually have to sightly argue that he may not be able to do it.

Crazy56U: ...if he can sword and spear, HE CAN GUN.

JofY: Can he also bullet? What about gunpowder? Furthermore, he may not even know what a gun is. It’s not like gu-

Crazy56U: (legitimately angry) STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY THIS BEING

DRAGGED ON LONGER!

JofY: ...sorry. It’s just my job.

CaptainPipsqueak: And anyway, the real question is “Can he shot web?”

Topher: Even if he can’t gun, he can at least make something like Yondu’s arrow in Guardians of the Galaxy.

"I can't keep this up all day, I've got to get Scoots." I mumbled but when I turned Twilight was running with Scootaloo on her back.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Oh, right, you’re in this story!”

Now I could drop this place for good!

Scarlet: [John Freeman] “Time for me to live up to my family name and experience FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES!”

SC276: Unless he colony drops the factory, and somehow not the rest of Cloudsdale, I’m going to be disappointed.

Crazy56U: Yes, drop it like a bad habit. Like smoking or playing “Candy Crush”...

Twilight and Scootaloo were already in the balloon hovering below the factory while tending to Scootaloo's wounds.

SC276: Ohh, a balloon’s involved now.

Crazy56U: Well, honestly, at this point, given just how much has been pulled out of the characters’ asses, are you really surprised?

"She really did a number on you didn't she?" asked Twilight.

"A number and then some."

JofY: [Saber] “She forced it so that seven eight nine.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “It was like… eight numbers…”

Topher: Scootaloo was nearly eighty-sixed!

replyed Scootaloo dryly. Then they herd the bang!

Scarlet: ~bang into your room, I know you need it!~

SC276: ~bang Maxwell’s silver hammer make sure that he was dead!~

Crazy56U: Oh, yay, the world’s ending!

Chapter 7 I take my revenge

The fight could've gone either way, but to let you know what happened.

SC276: Only if you can do it without breaking the narrative flow. Again.

Crazy56U: FUCK YOU.

During the fight we clashed magic on steel, she held her ground and got a couple of slashes on me one of them putting a gash in my muzzle causing me to reel back.

Scarlet: “I had to take a penalty to my action on the next turn to recover from Reeling.”

Crazy56U: DAMN IT, Rainbow! The jugular! You need to aim for the jugular! Not the muzzle!

Feeling lucky she came in for the kill and I swung my magic axe I sliced her left wing off. "GAH WHAT DID YOU DO!" She yelled.

Scarlet: Pulled a Cupcakes, apparently.

SC276: He chopped your wing off. Pay attention already.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “My wing is missing, I’m in pain, and you chopped it off with an axe! What did you do?!?!”

"Just evened the score." I said as blood flowed from the stump were her wing used to be. "Now the world will be safe."

JofY: Because all of crime started with that one wing!

SC276: Yeah, when did this get out? Pretty sure hacking a wing off ain’t gonna stop Glimmer.

Crazy56U: No, see, it makes sense: she caused others pain, so he caused her pain. It’s like poetry… It rhymes...

I told her already conjouring a new blade.

Scarlet: [John Freeman] “Time for you to die, evil boss.”

Crazy56U: No, I’m not going to bring it up again, I legitimately think doing so will cause me to have a stroke...

"Oh no you don't." she said tackling me and hitting the lever that activates the device turning it off pistons, gears, and bloodstained blades stopped working at once. "No!"

JofY: “You bastard! Do you know how much you’ve damaged our profits by!?”

SC276: So let me get this straight: she tackled him into the machine’s off switch? Which he had never indicated he was standing near?

Crazy56U: Wait, are you still inside the building, I thought you were all outside?

she said quickly trying to reactivate the device only to feel a sharp pain in her side. "Gah!" she yelped as she fell to the floor helpless I raised my horn and brought it don on her neck in the form of an axe.

Scarlet: Hassan chop!

Crazy56U: Nice of Sabre to help Rainbow get ahead in life. I just gotta axe if that was necessary, given the headaches Rainbow’s gonna deal with now...

"I'm sorry old friend, but it had to be done." I said to her severed head blood pouring on the floor pegusi running around frantically trying to escape.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Alas, poor Rainbow… I knew her, Audience…”

"You would understand RD, but it seems my favors cannot be delivered sorry bout that." I said sending a bolt of energy into the device causing it to overload, and well you know. (BOOM)

Scarlet: Rainbow-colored mushroom cloud. Pretty…

JofY: Killing all the fillies nearby. Good job, Saber. Good job.

SC276: ~Yeah, I’ve done it before / and I can do it some more / I’ve got my eye on the score / I’m gonna cut to the core / It’s too late, it’s too soon / or is it? Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick BOOM~

Crazy56U: Boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon...

"AAAAHHHH!" Sabre screamed as he fell towards Twilights balloon waiting for the demise that never came

SC276: Much to our chagrin.

Crazy56U: Because gravity decided to stop working just to spite us.

as his friend Twilight Sparkle was already in action. She caught him with magic.

Scarlet: Celestial Sabre was caught! Would you like to give a nickname to your new Celestial Sabre?

Crazy56U: (typing) “Smeghead”

"Now what would you do without me I ask why you would be dead that's what." she said,

SC276: Just keep running running, and running running…

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I AM TWILIGHT SPARKLE! I AM THE ARBITER OF WHO SHALL LIVE OR DIE!”

but I didn't respond instead I ran to Scootaloo's side examining her wounds that weren't bound already.

SC276: So did anyone untie her any any point, or…?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Annnd… yep, she’s dead. Probably should’ve gotten here faster…”

"Mister Sabre you saved me I I I don't know what she would've done to me if you two wouldn't of come along I was so scared."

SC276: I’m pretty sure you saw the giant grinder and the color-drained corpses, so you know exactly what she would’ve done to you.

Crazy56U: ...did Scootaloo block out her torment, is that what’s being implied here?

Scootaloo said before passing out of exhaustion.

Scarlet: And you get an exhaustion, and you get an exhaustion and all of us get exhaustion!

SC276: Lord knows I’m feeling exhausted…

Crazy56U: Well, that and bloss loss...

When we arrived back at Ponyville we were greeted by all, and even a now spirit packed Sweetiebell and Applebloom who greeted their wounded friend with open arms.

SC276: They were so distraught over Scootaloo’s foalnapping that they got wasted?

Crazy56U: Well, to be fair, I’m pretty sure it was more because they were in this fic.

As for me Cheerilee couldn't have been happier to see us her mane was done, her face in a smile.

Scarlet: Cheerilee had time to look up her stylist while they were fighting in the clouds, I guess.

Crazy56U: After Sabre and Twilight left, she immediately stopped caring and went to the salon.

Then a pink pony with an even bigger smile showed up now that I think about it she seemed to have came out of the air in front of me I recognized her as Pinkie pie the pony that defies physics and breaks the so called fourth wall as she said once.

SC276: Well about time you showed up.

Scarlet: *clicks shotgun* Don’t you dare.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a sharp stick) Go away, Pinkie…

Topher: *starts boarding up the fourth wall*

But I saw a strange look in her eyes, and oddly she came over and asked this "Want to make cupcakes with me!" I shrugged and agreed. She smiled and trotted off.

Scarlet: Oh Christ. Is this going to be ‘Celestial Sabre fights everyone’s creepypasta form’? Are the next two fics going to be Cupcakes and The Experiments of Twilight Sparkle? Because I can actually get behind that.

SC276: Never heard of that last one. Would probably be less painful to read than this.

Crazy56U: Spoilers: No. It would in fact be the opposite of that.

CaptainPipsqueak: But do it anyway. G’wan.

That's all for this case I guess see you later.

Crazy56U: Don’t you mock us.

TheEnd

JofY: Well, that was short.

RingmasterJ5: And now, “The New Bearer”.

JofY: Fuck.

SC276: Right, the thing we actually voted for.

Crazy56U: (deadest of deadpans) Jooooooooooooy...

Catch up!

Scarlet: *pulls out beetle shaped device* Clock up! *vanishes*

Crazy56U: ...okay, bye.

Topher: Well, that happened.

"And we would all like to thank the towns new Protector for saving the town, and saving the fillies and colts from the factory!

Crazy56U: “It only took him 30 hours to do something that should’ve taken 20

minutes!”

It would be my honor to bestow the Element of Loyalty to Celestial Sabre for the time being until we find a more permanent holder."

Scarlet: *reappears* Clock Over! And yeah, the Princess totally gets to make that call and not the element itself. Worked great when they tried it with Spike in season two!

SC276: Congratulations, Celestial Sabre, you’re the new Rainbow Dash.

Crazy56U: Spike is going to fucking sue.

Topher: To be fair, Spike is a really good candidate for the Element of Loyalty.

said the mayor in the ceremony after the incident at "The Rainbow Factory" Princess Celestia said it would be a good idea to put guards in Ponyville in case something like that were to happen again.

Scarlet: A thing it’s kind of surprising she didn’t have going on to begin with. Not that the guard ever seems to be able to prevent anything in Canterlot, mind.

JofY: It’s not like there needs to be any guards at Cloudsdale, ya know, WHERE THE INCIDENT TOOK PLACE!

Crazy56U: Please, what are the chances of another Rainbow Factory being made there? Ponyville’s clearly the better option...

Well anyway I was appointed Protector or head guard of Ponyville,

JofY: Whichever one is more befitting the OCness.

SC276: Isn’t that a demotion from vice captain of the royal guard?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Yep, on top of being Protector and the new Rainbow Dash, I’m

also technically still the Narrator! I’m set for life…”

and temporary holder of the Element of Loyalty while they looked for a replacement. Because of this I was given armor with a small lightning imprint in the chest to hold the element.

Scarlet: I’m kind of hoping he turns into a Power Ranger if he inserts it.

Crazy56U: I’m kinda hoping he turns into an Iron Man knockoff…

JofY: [Saber] “Sailor powers! Activate!”

But I must say it was a beautiful day today the grass was green, the sky was blue and calm, and most importantly the happy crowds that now didn't have to fear that their foals would be taken again!

Scarlet: Flowers are blooming. Birds are singing. On- *spontaneously combusts and revives*

JofY: Sorry, but we’ve already done that joke ten times by now, and it’s gotten old.

SC276: It was a beautiful sunny day.

Crazy56U: The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.

Well about a week later

Crazy56U: YAY, pointless time skips.

I was staying in a grey pegasus mares home her name was Ditzy Doo she said.

Crazy56U: ...oh dear God, don’t tell me this is going where I think it is…

Topher: INCOMING ROMANCE! HIT THE DECK! *dives to the floor as klaxons sound around the riff… place*

Crazy56U: No… no, not that… I think this is going somewhere… else...

"So how's your stay been mister Sabre?" she asked I've been here a week she let me live here while barracks were being built and I helped around the house a bit cleaned weeded the garden you know those kinds of things.

Scarlet: Did the taxes, took out the trash, formed a lasting and permanent relationship, got married, raised a family, had a painful divorce, went back to sleeping on the couch. Those sorts of things.

SC276: Isn’t Cheerilee his sister or cousin or something? Why isn’t he staying with her? Is the author discarding his own continuity already?

Crazy56U: Nah, it turns out that Cheerilee actually low-key hates him.

"I'm just fine Miss.Doo thanks for asking." I responded while I cleaned the kitchen.

SC276: The “Miss” title doesn’t work that way.

Crazy56U: “Doo thanks for asking”? ...is Sabre drunk?

She paused and said.

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “You missed a spot.”

"Please don't call me Miss.Doo it brings back memory's I'd rather not think about."

Crazy56U: Oh dear God, it is going where I think it’s going...

she told me. I wasn't sure at the time what got her so upset at that I mean her little cottage was quite peaceful I've been up and peppy every moment here!

Scarlet: Didn’t need to know that!

SC276: Did she never tell you off for it before now? How did you talk to her then?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Ever since I discovered the wonders of cocaine, I’ve been happy nonstop!”

I wasn't going to probe her for information I mean it's her secret she doesn't have to tell me. Besides I was going to town that day, and that's when I'd meet one strange stallion.

Scarlet: And thus begins the tale of Celestial Sabre’s first romance.

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) Three… Two… One… (snaps fingers)

Wreeeooop wreeeeoooop wreeeeeoooop was the sound that came from a strange blue box that appeared right in front of me as I was leaving for town. "

JofY: *goes over to the corner and starts weeping*

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) (slams head into table)

Topher: WE HAVE A CROSSOVER, I REPEAT, WE HAVE A CONFIRMED CROSSOVER! FIC STATUS HAS REACHED DUMBCON 1! ABANDON STORY! *self-defenestrates*

Gah!" I yelped as I jumped backwards away from the box.

Scarlet: I’m honestly surprised we hadn’t already done one of these.

Crazy56U: ...same...

I looked up at the doorway of the house and saw Ditzy just standing there frozen up she dropped the tray of muffins she just got done baking, and dropped them on the paving stones in front of her house, and then she ran to the box.

Scarlet: And then she opened the box and took a sweater out of the box and put it on.

SC276: Oh god, it’s that box. Just what we needed. I appreciate “Slice of Life” even more now.

Crazy56U: No, not the muffins! THEY WERE TOO YOUNG!

You might say nothing else could supprise me more but the doors opened, Ditzy ran in, and I couldn't belive what I was seeing.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) It was bigger on the inside.

"It's bigger on the inside." I said.

JofY: *audible wink*

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Yay, we got that out of the way...

I couldn't belive it there was an entire worlds worth space inside the box were no pony could fit comfortably it was baffling.

Scarlet: It’s smaller on the outside.

SC276: It’s bigger than a breadbox.

Crazy56U: And then Sabre had an aneurysm over how baffling it all was. THE END

"I love it when they say that!" said a brown stallion with an hourglass Cutiemark. "Oh we're are my manners my name is The Doctor I'm a time traveler blah blah blah and while you were standing there just staring at the celing Ditzy here slapped me it hurts a lot, and now Miss.Doo let's see why the TARDIS brought me here shall we!" said The Doctor.

Scarlet: Gaaahhh. I’d shoot you but you’d just regenerate into Colin Baker.

SC276: Shoot the author instead! It’s all his fault!

Crazy56U: Fuck you Scarlet, Colin Baker did nothing wrong! Michael Grade is who needs to be shot! ...also Eric Saward.

"Whoa whoa whoa who exactly are you you mad pony?" I asked completely in shock from what I saw.

JofY: Okay, can we get a new fic, this one is damaged. It keeps stuttering.

Crazy56U: Okay, just because he’s the Doctor doesn’t mean he’s a mad doctor! Those

are not the same thing!

"I told you I'm The Doctor I'm a time traveler, and we don't have time for this you're the towns protector if I'm not mistaken right?" he said.

Scarlet: [Doctor] “Says so on your business card.”

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “I just came back from jumping ahead in the story, and after seeing what I saw, I just want to get this over with ASAP.”

"Yeah I am and how in Celestia did you know?" I questioned him. I needed answers I mean a box that houses a whole world inside it, and a pony I've never met before knowing me and what I do!

JofY: He can’t have possibly read the news which would have said that kind of information!

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I mean, he just said he’s a time traveler, clearly he made that

up!”

It's just plain creepy.

Scarlet: As opposed to the Rainbow Factory, which was downright normal.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I mean... Rainbow murdering ponies into rainbows, that I can handle. But ‘Doctor Who’? Fuck that noise!”

"I'm The Doctor I always know (gets hit in the ribs by Ditzy) ow!

JofY: That’s the type of writing that you use for actions? (stands up and starts drinking water) I mean, how lazy can you get to just put all your actions in parentheses?

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “Where do you get off being a smartass? This is why I stopped

hanging out with you!”

Okay she told me why you were dozing off." he said then under his breath he said "Didn't have to hit me."

Scarlet: What, Sabre fell asleep while the TARDIS was teleporting in? Huh?

SC276: I’m in a cranky mood from finals, and this is not helping in the bloody slightest.

Crazy56U: No, Derpy met up with the Doctor one night while Sabre was passed out in her cottage, duh.

Rubbing my eyes to get over what I'm seeing

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “For some reason, they were bleeding heavily…”

I said "Okay hey wait when I called you Miss.Doo you looked like you were going to yell at me if I said it again." I said.

Crazy56U: “Doo you looked like you were going to-”, seriously, is he drunk?

"Only The Doctor can call me that,

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “He copyrighted it, and I didn’t want you to get sued.”

and anyway don't we have a problem to solve?" said the Mare.

Scarlet: Who has apparently replaced Ditzy Doo.

Crazy56U: The Mare... ...is Derpy actually Mare-Do-Well? Because... that doesn’t sit well with me...

The Doctor looked over and said "Yes yes we do and so we shall! AVANTE!" he shouted and we took off.

Crazy56U: “Avante”? ...oh... ...oh sweet Jesus, you’re ripping off “Doctor Whooves

and Assistant”?!

JofY: Jury’s still out for which one is worse.

Crazy56U: Shush.

It was moments, and when we got out we were in the town square! "How?"

JofY: It’s like you walked or something!

Crazy56U: Because, Sabre. Because.

I asked baffled.

Scarlet: You couldn’t have walked that far? That’s like opening a stable wormhole between dimensions to skip a five-minute walk to the 7-11 for munchies!

Crazy56U: The Doctor likes showing off, it’s his thing.

Topher: And personally, I think that opening a wormhole is a convenient means of getting snacks. *reaches into a hole in the air, pulls out a handful of gummy bears*

Crazy56U: (steals some of Topher’s gummy bears)

"Time/Space travel it's how The Doctor and I used to get around before he ran off." said Ditzy with some hurt in her voice before The Doc showed up again.

Scarlet: Well, at least we’re keeping with the “Doctor is an unintentionally terrible person who hurts everyone he cares about” theme.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) One of my absolute favorite themes from “Doctor Who”...

JofY: Is it just me, or does she seem like she gets offended by everything?

SC276: Who does she think she is, us?

"Now if you're going to be my companion you need a key!" said The Doctor before giving "me" a key to the Tardis!

JofY: You get a key! You get a key! Everybody gets a key!

SC276: How long is this fic? Just kill me now...

Crazy56U: You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d assume the Author was poking

fun at that aspect of “Doctor Who”. But since the Author would need to be competent

to be intentionally doing that...

He had us take off into town before I could thank him.

Scarlet: Wait what and suddenly this is a Doctor Who episode and he’s just like fuck it, random guy, you’re my companion now. Isn’t it series law that you have to stop at least one alien menace together?

Crazy56U: Again, the Author needs to be competent to be doing shit like that.

As we walked through town I saw a few weird things such as two of one pony here and there, things flying by in the corner of my eye it was rather creepy.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I also saw a purple dinosaur being lit ablaze, it was weird.”

As we continued onwards we ran into a familiar purple unicorn my good pal Twilight Sparkle!

Scarlet: You’re not my buddy, pal.

SC276: You’re not my pal, compadre.

Crazy56U: Why do you think Twilight likes you, Sabre? Seriously, when you assume...

"Fancy meeting you here now isn't it." said Twilight it's only been a few weeks since "The Rainbow Factory" incident and it looked like she only slept yesterday of them.

Scarlet: ...so she looks fine.

JofY: It’s only the realization that one of her closest friends was committing GENOCIDE.

CaptainPipsqueak: Eh, it’s only genocide if she kills all of them. This is just plain ol’ mass-murder.

Crazy56U: She slept yesterday of a few weeks, that is literally what you just said.

"Just walking with Ditzy, and her friend umm TimeTurner that's all." I said obviously not convinced Twilight said.

Scarlet: Who said what with where which and why?

SC276: I’ve been asking that this entire fic. I swear the typesmanship is getting worse every second.

Crazy56U: Somehow the Author got worse at writing. I can’t believe I have to say this, but somehow the Author got worse at writing.

"Mind if I join you I've got nothing else to do anyway." she said I knew arguing would only make her want to come more so I agreed and the Doc said.

SC276: [Doctor] “Gheeze, take a breath once in a while.”

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “Excuse me, why does it seem like you did a line of cocaine?”

"Well the more the merrier. ADVANTE!" he shouted and we continued our journey not knowing we were being watched!

Scarlet: Shit! They’re onto us! *dives beneath the seats*

SC276: I am getting really fucking sick of all the fourth-wall breaches that have been going on.

Crazy56U: It’s the people behind “Doctor Whooves and Assistant”, they are livid that the Author is ripping them off.

Chapter 2

SC276: What, no chapter titles this time? Lazybones.

Crazy56U: The Author wanted to focus more on the intricate plo- nope, can’t even finish that sentence.

"So Doc you know what we're looking for because I don't want to be dragged out here for nothing you know." I told The Doctor I mean I don't want to be dragged out here for some petty argument,

JofY: “I want a real argument!”

Crazy56U: Big talk coming from the pony who took his sweet ass time trying to

find/save Scootaloo.

and I've delt with twelve of them since I became the towns protector.

Scarlet: And ironically, all of them were between Doctor Who fans.

SC276: Why couldn’t we hear about one of those instead of the dumb crossover?

Crazy56U: Wait, you don’t want to deal with a petty argument with the Doctor and you mentioned that you had twelve other ones in the past… I may be reaching here, but I think the Author is trying to be clever again...

"Nah it's big alright else the Tardis wouldn't of brought me here, and besides I get to travel with Derpy again!" he said.

"Doctor my name is Ditzy." said Ditzy "I don't like being called Derpy."

RingmasterJ5: I’m just going to shut everyone up right here because the last time this came up the resulting, unfunny argument was over half a page long.

CaptainPipsqueak: Let’s split the difference and call her ‘Dertzy’.

Crazy56U: (bites tongue in two) Deal.

"Oh well let's just continue on our merry way. He he he." giggled The Doctor. He really is full of energy I thought.

Scarlet: Not one of David Tennant’s better performances, is it?

Crazy56U: Eh, hell of a lot better than Tom Baker’s- yes I went there FIGHT ME IRL

"Yawn, well what exactly are we looking for Mr.The Doctor?" asked Twilight.

Crazy56U: ...no. ...j-just... ...just no.

"It's just The Doctor, and I'm not very sure..... ah well let's go on anyway!" said an ever peppy Doctor.

SC276: Anyone else tired of this already?

Crazy56U: Not really, it’s a distraction from the everything else about this...

Sometimes his always happy nature reminded me of Ditzy at times, and I'm not sure I still felt like something was watching me,

Scarlet: And you’ve got no privacy!

Crazy56U: It was Rainbow’s ghost, glaring at you from beyond the grave.

but it could be anything in this bright crowded market street. I saw Carrot Top at her stand selling her carrots, I saw Fluttershy walking around around in her usual manner, but no pony was looking at me or the group it was eerie.

Scarlet: “I’m an OC! I’m used to commanding attention constantly!”

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Let me guess they are changelings.

"So Doc do you feel that it's like we're being followed?" I told him he turned looked behind me, and his face went slack.

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “Oh dear. The plot.”

"Run." he said.

Scarlet: Okay, now it feels like an episode of Doctor Who. With no budget. And Colin Baker.

Crazy56U: ...so, basically, a Sixth Doctor adventure.

"What!" said an annoyed Ditzy.

SC276: If you’re not used to it by now… Also, I would think the Doctor would inform them of the whole “run” thing before leaving the TARDIS.

Crazy56U: Derpy, you used to be his companion, do you honestly forget how this works?

"If you want to survive just RUN!" said The Doctor he turned and ran and we followed "Twilight were is your library!" asked The Doctor I filled him in on Twilight earlier.

Scarlet: Why would you need to? He’s a time traveler who hangs out around Ponyville all the damn time!

SC276: And why wouldn’t he know where a freakin’ unique tree was?

Crazy56U: Look, given how half the time the Doctor doesn’t wind up exactly where he wants to go, I’m pretty sure he’s not sure if he arrived before or after the library blew up.

"This way follow me!"

JofY: Quick! Run on these next sentences!

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Twilight, you’re running towards the train station-”

[Twilight Sparkle] “TRUST ME.”

she said as we had just left the market through an alley, and we're running towards the library it was so close now I could feel it! Then disaster struck an insect pony hybrid creature thing is all I can describe them as he swooped in and grabbed the exhausted Twilight good thing I'm a good shot or else we would've lost her.

Scarlet: Eh, this sounds less exciting and more like a normal Tuesday for Twilight. I’m pretty sure she’s developed an “Escape Greater Fauna” spell by now.

SC276: OK, uh, if this is going the way I think it’s bloody going, this author has both continuity and no continuity at the same time. And I will explode with rage.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Oh hey it is changelings my surprise knows no bounds.

I shot a jolt of magic and obliterated the creature

Crazy56U: HOLY FUCK you just disintegrated it!

and Twilight fell onto the road beneath her. I ran to her Doc and Ditzy in hoof when we got there we saw the damage. There was a gash in her leg, and then I saw the half built barracks armory spilled on the ground with a spear already bloodied.

JofY: Twilight is a military base!?

Scarlet: Apparently she’s one that’s spilled on the ground as well.

Crazy56U: No, Twilight exploded and fucked up the barracks.

Her red lifeblood

SC276: What is this, an animal-fantasy world? I mean, MLP is that already, but it’s not a cliché as fuck one.

Crazy56U: ...so, normal average run-of-the-mill blood, then?

was flowing out of the wound I just had to help her I hefted the wounded mare onto my back and ran into the library were we were greeted by a baby dragon he ushered us in, and closed the door!

Scarlet: OH MY GOD THE DOOR SHUTS!

JofY: HOLY SHIT! PANIC! PANIC!!!

Crazy56U: Hey now, Spike wasn’t raised in a barn, he knows that doors need to be

shut, calm down.

"Okay what was that!" said The Doctor "It looked like a mix between a pony and an insect of some sort fascinating!"

Crazy56U: How the fuck does the Doctor not know what a changeling is?

"It's called a Changeling I fought a few at the royal wedding in Canterlot they live off the love of ponies to put it frank.

JofY: I’d like to remind you, that Twilight once fought an army of them. And now apparently one severely injured her.

SC276: OK, so at least he knows that. Some rage subsided. But then why didn’t he say they were changelings in the narration? To keep us in some form of suspense that doesn’t work because the cover image is of a changeling army?

JofY: Even if he didn’t, the narration before makes it seem like it’s an unholy monstrosity never seen before. Going from unholy monster down to random mook gives a ton of disappointment.

Crazy56U: ...correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure the Doctor was in Canterlot

during the invasion. ...which brings me back to my question: how the fuck does the

Doctor not know what a changeling is?!

Now can we get those bandages!" I said.

"Right here!" said the dragon as he ran to us with a box of medical supplies. "Let's see bandages, peroxide, needle, stitches, and painkillers we've got exactly what we need."

JofY: Let’s begin the operation!

SC276: Dude, it’s just a cut. Maybe a particularly deep one, but still a cut.

Crazy56U: You know what, you’re right, best get a more appropriate tool… (pulls out a staple gun)

said the dragon I turned to Twilight and told her everything would be fine, and started dressing the wound using my magic. Careful not to use the element in my armor's power because that would cause a flux in power,

Scarlet: Reverse the polarity of the warp drive!

JofY: But we need to use photon reversal first!

Crazy56U: Wait, is his armor actually a flux capacitor? Can he travel through time

while wearing it? ...that’s too awesome for him to have!

and it would send the needle flying through her leg and that would hurt... a lot.

SC276: Why would that be a concern? Do you not have full control of it or something?

Crazy56U: Well there is a very likely possibility that I’m right and he’s actually drunk right now...

A few hours later I put her in her bed and returned to the Doctor, and Ditzy.

Scarlet: A moment of silence for Twilight’s dignity.

Crazy56U: ...God, this is great, eh?

"So Mister Sabre how is she?" asked The Doctor I breathed in and said.

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “Well… it is a small cut, so, my prognosis? ...she won’t live

through the night.”

[Sabre] “(GASP!)”

[The Doctor] “Oh, stop, I’m pulling your leg. I’m not that kind of doctor, ya

dingus.”

"She's fine, but we should let her rest and then we'll let her test out her leg my sonic can only heal small wounds not huge gashes such as that!" exclaimed The Doctor.

SC276: Uh, who’s talking again? Did we miss a paragraph?

Crazy56U: ...uh… (ahem) Author? The sonic screwdriver can’t heal people, YA DINGUS!

"You are worthless!" Yelled the Changeling Queen at her drones

JofY: [Saber] “Hey! Would you keep it down? We’re trying to have a scene here.”

[Chrysalis] “Oh, sorry about that.”

SC276: AND NOW SUDDENLY THESE ASSHOLES.

Crazy56U: Glad to know that the Author still thinks properly establishing scene

transitions is nothing more than a fucking myth.

"I just asked you to bring the girl to me how hard can that be!"

JofY: “She’s only proficient in like every single form of magic, and has wiped the floor with you before! How hard could it be!?”

Scarlet: You know, you throw in Doctor Who and then of all the villains you pick the closest things Equestria has to the freaking grunts from Shocker.

SC276: Why did they go after that Twilight, that came with the Doctor, and not the Twilight when they are now? Come to think of it, they were being watched before time-travelling there, so now changelings apparently exist across time? This plot officially makes no sense.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Seriously! ‘Bring us the girl and wipe away the debt!’ It is not

that hard to remember!”

she looked at her army and her horn flared to life, and she obliterated a small group of changelings

Crazy56U: And thus more dead changelings are added to the pile!

and said "Whatever the reason I will have her now we march!"

JofY: [Changeling Mook] “But it’s Apri-*explodes*”

Crazy56U: Okay, have some tunes to go along with it.

she shouted and she, and her army flew out of the cave and advanced on Ponyville.

SC276: Well that escalated quickly.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “My drones failed to get a certain pony! LET’S LAY WASTE TO HER TOWN!”

Chapter 3 We Meet A New Friend!

Scarlet: Wooohoooooo.

Crazy56U: (screams in fear)

"How's your leg doing?" I asked Twilight as we walked around town with The Doctor, and Ditzy we decided it was safer to travel in a group in case another changeling swooped in.

Scarlet: Oh, I guess we’re just going back to casually strolling around town now. Eh, I’m sure the massive Changeling invasion likely underway is of no consequence

SC276: Pretty sure her leg’s doing alright if she’s walking on it.

Crazy56U: Yes, because that way the changeling can attack all of you at once instead of one at a time!

"It's doing just fine." she said

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I mean, it’s not like we had to amputate it, calm down.”

we continued talking as we walked through town. It was noon now and we were heading to Applejack's stand to get something to eat, and then I saw something on the stand it was a sign that said "all cider 20% off."

Scarlet: The most significant thing you could be thinking about at this moment!

Crazy56U: Only 20%?! What a ripoff, the cider stand three blocks over is selling it at 25% off!

I told them what I saw and said "We can't let an opportunity like this go to waste now can we?

Scarlet: No, really, you can. You can walk the other way, ignore the sale given that you can probably just hang out with her and bum some for free later, and concentrate on FINDING THE ARMY OF DEATH BUG INFILTRATORS.

SC276: Maybe if it was 30%, I might consider that.

Crazy56U: Ah, there’s the Sabre I know best. “Something bad is happening! Let’s take our sweet ass time!”

"I suppose we can't" said Ditzy as she ran towards the stand. She reached into her saddle bags and brought out a few bits, and came back with a few mugs of cider we accepted them and drank for once today in peace.

Scarlet: I’m kind of praying Suika just rolls in from across the canon divide and turns the rest of the fic into a boozefest.

Crazy56U: Little did they know that the cider was poisoned!

We discussed the events that transpired that day leading to the attempted kidnapping.

SC276: Now that they’re apparently drunk outta their gourds.

Crazy56U: Applejack is using a special cider recipe.

"I wonder why the changeling wanted me so badly?" said Twilight in more of a question than a statement.

Scarlet: Ostensibly leader of the Elements of Harmony crew even before your ascension, later princess of Friendship, the one mare who saw through Chrysalis’s first attempt, someone Chrysalis would have a serious grudge against I don’t know you tell me!

JofY: Is it so that Twilight can bake cookies?

Scarlet: I’m revoking your speaking privileges on the next line.

JofY: *writes down ‘That doesn’t mean I still can’t act!’*

Crazy56U: (punches Scarlet in the head) Don’t be rude, jerk!

"I have no idea." me and The Doctor said in unison. He looked at me and just raised an eyebrow and said "Well while I don't know there might be a pony who might.

Scarlet: You know, I think calling him Colin Baker might’ve been giving this Doctor a bit too much credit. So far he’s been worse than useless.

Crazy56U: Would please fucking lay off Colin Baker, already?! Christ!

SC276: The fic’s been worse than useless.

Now my companions to Canterlot ADVANTE.

JofY: As opposed to the Equestrian Canterlot.

Crazy56U: Stop trying to be “Doctor Whooves and Assistant”, you will never be

“Doctor Whooves and Assistant”!

The Doctor called his TARDIS

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “YOO HOO, TARDIS!”

and we stepped inside. "I think it's do time I introduce you to a friend of mine she's been with me for two or three days now.

SC276: [The Doctor] “Who I felt no need to mention the presence of the first time you two were in here.”

Crazy56U: ...Bon Bon?

Lyra

Crazy56U: Damn it, so close...

we are going on an adventure!" yelled The Doctor as a teal unicorn walked into the room with a small notebook.

Scarlet: Jesus, man, do you just collect companions like Pokemon? Do you give them all terrible nicknames too?

Crazy56U: ...Lyra is her actual name, not a nickname...

"Ooh more companions how much fun!" said the pony I was lead to belive was Lyra.

Crazy56U: Okay, I honestly can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic or not...

She looked rather restless always running around I was supprised I didn't see her earlier.

Scarlet: Our hero- legally blind guy.

SC276: She’s a changeling, isn’t she. Calling it now. *throws chips in the pot*

Crazy56U: ...eh, why not, I’m in. (throws a $5 in the pot)

"Any way I was in the library recording some things about these humans you told me about the books you showed me absolutely fascinate me!"

JofY: Que mating ritual joke.

Crazy56U: [Lyra] “Well, most of them, anyway. I don’t know where you got this one

book, but it has nothing to do with the color grey; it’s just poorly written sex!”

said Lyra explaining why we didn't see her when The a Doctor first arrived.

Scarlet: No that explains nothing! You just ran back there!

SC276: I know some iterations of the Doctor are known for being a bit scatterbrained, but I’m pretty sure he would’ve mentioned she was there before regardless.

Crazy56U: Or, failing that, Lyra broke in while the others weren’t paying attention.

"Well I sure hope they did. Anyway were off to Canterlot! ADVANTE!" shouted The Doctor.

"Why does he always say ADVANTE?" I asked.

Scarlet: Because he hates us.

Crazy56U: Because the Author desperately wants this to be “Doctor Whooves and Assistant”, obviously.

"It's his catch phrase." said Ditzy. "He's kind of obsessed with them."

SC276: Mine is “Aaaaaaand I’ve stopped caring.”

Crazy56U: I… don’t think I have one, actually… ...gotta fix that someday...

"Did you travel with him before Ditzy?" asked Twilight Ditzy

Crazy56U: ...so, is Twilight talking to herself?

responded with a nod, and she walked us up to the console.

Scarlet: Brokenhearted Former Companion Count- 1. If we don’t make at least four by the end of this story, I’ll be disappointed.

JofY: Shouldn’t Scootaloo be added then?

Crazy56U: Factoring in regenerations, shouldn’t the Doctor also count as a companion? If so, that number should be bumped up to… 12, providing this Doctor is supposed to be 10 and that that War Doctor business also happened here...

"This is the TARDIS's console I personally have no idea how it works so I'm not sure how he does it." said Ditzy.

Crazy56U: At this point, I’m pretty sure the Doctor just guesses and hits random

buttons until the TARDIS does a thing...

I was baffled my self.

SC276: Stop talking to yourself.

Crazy56U: What is it with everyone talking to themselves here?

Not only the bigger on the inside part, but the fact after The Doctor hit a couple of buttons and flipped a lever he opened the door and we were in Canterlot!

Scarlet: Yeah, you needed the TARDIS for that. Not like there’s a train that runs between Ponyville and Canterlot. Or that you can fly there if you have wings. Or y’know, via Twilight’s balloon.

JofY: Or however you got there.

Crazy56U: Keep in mind, it’s also a time machine. You can take as long as you want

when you are using a time machine.

Chapter 4 Our Own Little Army!

Scarlet: Playsets now on sale from reliable Hasbro bootleggers everywhere!

Crazy56U: An army? ...nah, I don’t see that. I mean, you guys got soul, but your aren’t soldiers...

"So how did The Doctor drag you into this Lyra?" asked Ditzy Doo trying to make small talk while The Doctor went to find the pony that could help us.

JofY: [Lyra] “With ten pounds of steel and six tranquilizers.”

SC276: [Lyra] “Math was involved.”

Crazy56U: [Lyra] “He left the door open to the TARDIS and I just let myself in!”

"Oh I wanted to come along so badly after you told me he used to be human as you know I'm obsessed with them!" said Lyra.

Scarlet: Wait no stop. You’re saying this is supposed to actually be the same character from the series? I… wha?

SC276: I think both radio series use this take. I can accept it there because they can fucking write.

Crazy56U: ...because, of course he is. In fan works, nine times out of ten, pony!The Doctor turns out to be The Doctor as a pony. Because fuck it, why not...

"Well hi there every pony my name is Ruby Spark,

JofY: Hi, AHHHHH!!! WHEN DID YOU GET HERE!?

Crazy56U: [Ruby Spark] “I’m the Narrator now! SUCK IT!”

I own the small jewelry store over there down the street, and if you all were interested could you buy a few I've not had the best of luck here lately and could use the sales." said the red unicorn her mane was a pinkish tint though. Her Cutiemark was an ruby necklace.

Scarlet: Hi Ruby, nobody cares, let’s move on now!

SC276: Your business might do better if you split your run-on sentences up.

Crazy56U: [Ruby] “I have this thing called a Sparkling Star Necklace, I could sell you it for, like, five bits?”

"I suppose it couldn't hurt to get some souvenirs!" said Twilight.

SC276: Yeah, you got attacked by a changeling and I don’t even remember why you’re here already, there’s always time for shopping.

Crazy56U: Twilight’s taking a page out of Sabre’s book right now...

"Thank you all!" said a smiling Ruby Spark who trotted away towards her shop.

"Nice lady hope everything works out." said Ditzy.

Scarlet: I don’t. *harrumphs*

Crazy56U: HAH.

"As do I." I said it would be ever so sad if she lost her job wonder if she had a family to care for?

SC276: Ya two just freakin’ jinxed it, guess whose shop is going to blow up when the changelings attack?

Crazy56U: Wrong, what actually happens is that she spontaneously combusts five minutes later.

My thoughts were cut short when The Doctor arrived with a smile on his face he opened his mouth and said

Scarlet: [Doctor] “Bad news. The ratings for ‘Trial of a Time Lord’ are in.”

JofY: [Doctor] “Does this mole look cancerous?”

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “I just found out how this story ends, and I feel dead inside.”

"All right I've found our friend, and he's agreed to assist us in any way he can!" said The Doctor who was interrupted by Twilight who asked.

"Does he know why the changeling tried to kidnap me?" asked Twilight Sparkle.

"That he does now if you my purple friend want to know your self come with me!" said The Doctor, and Twilight, Lyra, Ditzy, and I got up and followed The Doctor.

Scarlet: I know it’s bad when I find myself craving the Daleks.

SC276: Or the Cybermen in a pinch.

Crazy56U: Or Steven Moffat. Dear God, I want Steven Moffat...

"Welcome back Doctor." said a hooded pony this was our so called help she sounded like a mare but you couldn't always be sure. "Oh how rude I really should take this hood off." she said as the hood dropped revealing a blue unicorn with an hourglass cutiemark.

JofY: gasp.

Scarlet: “A Stallion for the Time Being” has really weird side-stories, apparently.

Crazy56U: And we got “Minuette is a Time Lord” check off as well!

"Well Colgate my friend Twilight wants to know why the changelings want her so badly." said The Doctor.

"Well I should suppose so now sit down I'll get us some coffee." said Colgate walking off to the kitchen.

Scarlet: Terrible fics that Season Five killed- +1.

SC276: I miss canon.
Crazy56U: (pulls out a cannon) All I have is this, that good enough?

"Do you think we can trust her Doc?" I asked.

"Absolutely I've known her almost as long as Derpy!" said The Doctor.

"My name is Ditzy not Derpy." said Ditzy

Scarlet: [Silver-Quill] “I shall call her ‘the muffin mare’.”

Crazy56U: Guys, stop, you’re going to make RingmasterJ5 mad…

"Oh whatever." said The Doctor.

JofY: *laughing* Everyone in this fic is a heartless jerk!

Scarlet: To be fair, back when this guy was Colin Baker his first act was to attempt to strangle his companion. This is restrained by comparison.

SC276: Yes, this running gag where the Doctor can’t be considerate for two minutes is fucking hilarious.

Crazy56U: Again, providing this Doctor is supposed to be 10, friendly reminder that he willingly wiped Donna Noble’s memory without her consent to save her life and then spin-doctored it into that being the only way to save her. And that’s not even getting into his Time Lord Victorious stunt...

In the kitchen

SC276: Git in the kitchen woman and make me a sammich. *slaps self* Whoa. Offended myself with that one.

Crazy56U: Oh, hey Dinah!

Colgate was humming to herself as the coffee machine was whirring along,

SC276: I’m at the state of mind where I don’t remember if Equestria had modern technology in the previous fic and I don’t freakin’ care.

Crazy56U: Bleugh! Coffee?!

but she didn't see the small creature in her closet until it was to late.

JofY: A cat!

Crazy56U: It’s Rainbow, she’s come back from the dead for revenge!

The changeling attacked, but he didn't anticipate the unicorns magical ability.

Scarlet: Apparently changelings aren’t exactly big in the brains department.

Crazy56U: I know, right, just look at Chrysalis...

Colgate slowed down time stepped out of the way bucked the creature in the face, and jumped into the door behind her into her living room.

JofY: But she didn’t shout ZA WARUDO beforehand.

Scarlet: I’d have settled for “Clock Up”.

SC276: I don’t are you even. I don’t care if she knows the Doctor, she’s a normal civilian, and she literally didn’t see it until it was too late, which means she doesn’t have time to freakin’ dodge no matter how much she slows time down.

Crazy56U: Uh, I’m pretty sure Colgate is supposed to be a Time Lord, and one Ninth Doctor episode had him do some kind of slow-mo stunt in order to walk past a huge spinning fan, so…

SC276: Yeah, but he was aware the fan was there longer than a second before attempting to cross!

Crazy56U: ...touche.

The Living Room

"Little help here!" said Colgate, I answered by lighting my horn,

JofY: And then ran away screaming because his horn was on fire.

Crazy56U: Why?! You just kicked its ass!

and created a baseball bat smacked the changeling, and then stabbed it with a magic knife.

Scarlet: How to keep potential sources of information alive! Step one- don’t do this.

SC276: So what was the shot he blew up the changeling back in Ponyville with, a magic bullet?

Crazy56U: (rubs temples) Please never bring up bullets in relation to Sabre again, just… just don’t...

"I think we need answers now!

JofY: “Why is your apartment made out of padding!? Tell me!”

SC276: Well you just blew them up. Twice. In front of the Doctor. Don’t know if that changes anything, but it should!

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Let’s just ask the dead changeling for information, that should be fun!”

Chapter 5 We Get Bad News (Warning short chapter)

SC276: Compared to what, exactly? The rest of your chapters? Can I blink and miss this one?

Crazy56U: ...I take it that the “Warning” thing wasn’t the bad news?

"Your meaning to tell me that I have enough power to "destroy" Equestria, and that's why the changelings want me." said Twilight after Colgate told her the news.

Scarlet: I mean it’s not a bad reason, but… *refers to earlier list*

Crazy56U: Okay, I’m almost 100% sure the author cribbed that wholesale from the comics...

"I'm afraid so my dear Twilight Sparkle." said Colgate. "The Changeling army won't stop until your dead."

JofY: Because killing Twilight will give them control of Twilight.

Scarlet: What, you didn’t know that Chrysalis is a twentieth-level necromancer?

Crazy56U: ...I’d pay top dollar to read that story...

SC276: What about her dead? Bring it out?

I stood up and said "Not if I can help it and I'll show you how.' I used a little trick I learned and sent a pulse of magic from the element into my horn creating a rainbow colored blade.

JofY: “Gay.” “SHUT UP! *runs away crying*”

Scarlet: *reflexive punch* ...actually you didn’t deserve that one. Sorry.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, in doing so, he accidentally decapitated Twilight. THE END

"My that is impressive but not compared to an army of hundreds of changelings not so much." said Colgate.

SC276: Especially when he’s only even taken twenty on at once before losing.

Crazy56U: And even then, I’m pretty sure he didn’t bother even putting up a fight...

Frowning I stopped the flow of magic, and asked "How can you help us."

Scarlet: Was he asleep when Colgate went full Dio Brando a few minutes ago?

JofY: How could that possibly be useful?

Crazy56U: ...please tell me that was sarcasm...

"Why you have the answer right next to you in the form of a purple pony." said Colgate I heard a nock at the door and exused myself. I opened the door to reveal Applejack. She was panting like a dog

Crazy56U: Oh, great, another Apple is acting like a dog. (shakes fist into the air)

DAMN IT DISCORD!

I ushered her in when she said.

Scarlet: “Do you come from a land down under? Where women glow and men thunder?”

SC276: What is she doing here? Did she run all the way to Canterlot from Ponyville?

Crazy56U: Well… that makes the most sense, actually...

"Ah need to see Twilight."

JofY: [Applejack] “Thank Celestia I put that GPS in her, or else I wouldn’t know where to look!”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Pinkie got her head caught in the gutter again, we need her

help!”

I pointed to the living room and she ran in, and told Twilight "Changelings are attacking Ponyville we need ya now!" she said before seeing the bandages on Twilights flank. "Oh my."

Scarlet: Wait, nobody saw Twilight get attacked before? That happened in broad daylight!

SC276: Why are they attacking Ponyville?! They sent a changeling into Colgate’s pantry or something! They know she’s here!

JofY: ...how did they know that Twilight would be there?

Crazy56U: Applejack, that’s not where Twilight’s face is.

"She's in no condition to fight and as the towns protector I can't let her get hurt further I'll accompany you." I said she nodded I told Lyra to watch Twilight, and Ditzy, and The Doctor to follow me.

JofY: “Lyra! I want you to watch Twilight, Ditzy, and The Doctor… ditching you! Bye! *runs away*”

Scarlet: I think that’s how a good chunk of his companions end up getting off the crazy train these days.

Crazy56U: [Lyra] “Wait, I want to come along too-”

[Sabre] “That’s nice, bye! (slams door shut)”

We ran through the town so fast we didn't notice a certain red unicorn following us. We got in the TARDIS and took off for Ponyville.

Scarlet: Red unicorn… what, Commander Firebrand’s in this? Actually after the Ken Ashcorp cameo last time I probably shouldn’t be too shocked.

SC276: Of course there’s a human- I mean pony that made a deal with the aliens- I mean changelings that’s going to die by the end of the climax.

Crazy56U: ... ... ...who?

When we arrived the town was in chaos changelings left and right destroying buildings, and feeding off pony's at random.

SC276: Considering they eat love, mid-attack seems like a terrible time to feed.

JofY: Why would they bother attacking in the first place, if you think about it. After all, it’d be easier feeding off of others when the others, don’t even know that you exist.

Crazy56U: Actually, the plan was feed first, attack later, but they got a little too

anxious to do the second step...

I lit my horn and killed a few before running to the battle friends at my tail.

SC276: Celestial Sabre Battle Friends, now available at cheap toy aisles everywhere!

Crazy56U: Too good for them, if you ask me. They should only be sold in the back alley behind the IHOP.

This would be a battle no pony could forget.

JofY: Spike got amnesia after this was over.

Scarlet: He’s the lucky one.

Crazy56U: (falls asleep)

Chapter 6 The Battle

SC276: Wait, you call that a short chapter? That was about as long as the rest of them!

The town was in chaos if I didn't know any better I'd say Discord was behind this.

Scarlet: *holds up a changeling, shakes head, tosses it over shoulder* I can’t even right now.

Crazy56U: (is hit by the changeling; wakes up) OW.

SC276: No, if it was Discord, we’d actually be laughing.

Alas that was not true, but I still had a job to do no time to sit there and think on petty things. I lit my horn and charged into the fray. I killed a few before getting blindsided "Oh not again! "

JofY: [Saber] “Argh! I’ve been hit!”

[Doctor] “That’s not how one reacts to being blindsided…”

[Saber] “No. No. You must continue on without me.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Damn it, why must I constantly suck at life?!”

I said. It's just like the first time I was doing good then I get busted up. Anyway when the changeling was about to finish me off Ruby Spark sent a bolt of magic at the creature knocking it off me. "Thank you ." I said.

Scarlet: I see that the Fellowship of the Dork continues to recruit.

SC276: What is she even doing here? She’s supposed to be in Canterlot! If the distance between the two was that short, why’d they have to take the teleporting box between the two towns?!

Crazy56U: ...was the Ruby in Canterlot actually the changeling that attacked Colgate?

"No worries just be careful next time I may not be able to help you next time."

JofY: After all, no one can save you from the inescapable redundancy, after all.

SC276: You’t think he’d stop sucking at fighting changelings at some point.

Crazy56U: [Ruby] “After all, I have to die soon.”

she said I nodded got up, and ran back into the fight.

We all met back up at the town hall. Ditzy had green blood on her muzzle, mane, and hooves. The Doctor none at all, same for Ruby.

Scarlet: What, the muffin mare ate changelings alive? What the hell is that implying?

Crazy56U: No, it’s implying that Derpy got way too into fighting changelings...

"Well that could've gone better." said Ditzy wiping a bit of blood out of her mane.

"Aye I got hit pretty hard back there." I said showing my bruised ribs, black eye, and the gash along my muzzle.

Scarlet: God, these changelings suck. They get in a visceral attack and that’s all they manage to do? They must get laughed out of PvP.

Crazy56U: He also had a collapsed lung and massive internal bleeding, but eh, not worth mentioning...

"Hey y'all!" said Applejack running to us from town. She herself had some obvious wounds.

SC276: How do people keep jumping between the two cities without a TARDIS so easily?!

JofY: Well, they can walk, run, drive, take public transport, fly… Oh! You mean in a timely manner? No fucking clue.

Crazy56U: In fact, the wounds were so obvious, they weren’t worth mentioning...

"So who's yer friend there?" she asked.

"AJ this is Ruby Spark I think she followed us from Canterlot.

Scarlet: “And I don’t know how to get rid of her!”

Crazy56U: Stalking is a crime, Ruby! Stop that!

"Now why in tarnation would she do that?" Asked Applejack.

JofY: I’d ask how since at least our ragtag used a teleporter.

Crazy56U: ...because plot?

"Because in the attack on Canterlot one of these things got my husband! I am not letting them hurt my little girl to!" she said. "She was visiting town to see a friend, and when I heard the news I had to help." explained Ruby.

Scarlet: Hurt your little girl to what?

SC276: It honestly took me a moment to think she was referring to the canon episode, because it wouldn’t surprise me for this fic to have an attack on Canterlot and not mention it.

Crazy56U: Ah. So... (nods) because plot.

"So the target is still in Canterlot yes?" asked Crysilis.

JofY: [Saber] “Again!? Seriously!? You’re interrupting us again!?”

Crazy56U: I guess the spell checker was up and taking a shit when the Author

misspelled “Chrysalis”...

A minor changeling nodded. She kept a calm demeanor and told him to return to battle. Sadly as he flew away The Queen shot him down.

JofY: You ain’t helping your troops morale any.

Crazy56U: Damn it, what is it with this story having changelings die left and right?!

"Disappointment."

SC276: Speak for yourself, lady.

Crazy56U: “Sadness.”

"Oh my Celestia what's happening!" said a purple unicorn.

JofY: I don’t know! *floating upside down* I’m lost in the fic again!

Crazy56U: Instantaneous scene transitions, Random Pony.

"Sparkler you're so clueless the changelings are attacking the town." said a younger pegasus by the name of Lightning Smash. After hearing the word changeling she blacked out.

Scarlet: She couldn’t handle the meta!

Crazy56U: Little did the Narrator know that Sparkler actually passed out due to sleep deprivation.

"Okay this is a threat to big for us alone to handle we need an army!" I said

JofY: So are we back to Saber?

SC276: In the first fic’s original text, bigger paragraph breaks were used to designate scene changes. Let this be a lesson to all writers: have your scene breaks survive text inserted into them.

JofY: To be fair, not every single writer knows what riffing is, and it’s a simple easy way to signify a change. On the other hand, unless you are using notepad, each writing system has their own way to place breaks. USE THEM!

Crazy56U: An army? No. What you need is a tank.

"Else we be over run." we were hiding in the TARDIS thinking our next cause of action.

JofY: Our heros! Bravely fleeing.

SC276: ~Brave Sir Sabre ran away...~

Crazy56U: W-wait, if you guys are in the TARDIS, why not just go back in time before the invasion and prevent it! And don’t go and tell me that that will cause a paradox, “The Cutie Remark” proved that time travel paradoxes are a myth!

"We've got two elements honesty, and loyalty that should help right?" said Ditzy.

Scarlet: Well given that on their own all the Elements have ever seemed to do is make excellent paperweights, I’m gonna say… you’ll be fine.

Crazy56U: Well, you would’ve had three had you not left Twilight back in Canterlot! GG GUYS!

"Fraid not I seem to be the only one able to harness its magic and power myself up without the other five elements. It might be impossible without the rest."

Scarlet: “I can do this because TIME AND SPACE BEND TO MY WHIMS or something.”

SC276: That’s Twilight, right? Could be Applejack for all I know.

Crazy56U: Unnamed Pony is right, they’re boned.

"Then let's get them." said Ruby Spark.

"We can't Pinkies out of town, Fluttershy is in Cloudsdale cleaning up the debri from the factory, and Rairity is in Trottingham for at least two more days." I explained.

Scarlet: Yes, brilliant plan- have Fluttershy clean up all the corpses of children. I’m sure that will induce no lasting trauma!

Crazy56U: Why is Pinkie simply “out of town”? Is she actually going on a massive drug binge in Pony-Bangkok?

"Well that's not good." said The Doctor "I would get them, but something is keeping the TARDIS in place I can't leave."

JofY: Have you checked the brakes?

SC276: It’s being held down by the power of terrible plot.

Crazy56U: The Doctor is too ashamed to admit that the real cause of the problem is that he accidentally poured soda into the console while the others weren't looking.

"Well horse feathers." said Ditzy "Well I'll be taking a shower if you need me just nock, but don't just barge in." she said glaring at The Doctor.

Scarlet: ...okay then. Well that took a right turn into fuckedupsville.

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “Whelp, we’re fucked, I’m gonna go clean the dead changeling smell off of me. Don’t wait up!”

"What I didn't do anything." he said defensevly.

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “NOIDIDNTSPILLSODAONTHECONSOLEAGAINSHUTUP”

[Derpy] “(unconvinced) Uh huh. Sure…”

She rolled her eyes and trotted off.

Meanwhile a certain unicorn was making her way to town with two friends their names Colgate, Lyra, and Twilight Sparkle!

Scarlet: And together they were the Super Unicorn Team: Uniranger!

SC276: That kind of presentation is 1) stupid, and 2) ruined by your own inability to punctuate.

Crazy56U: They were making their way downtown, walking fast, faces past and they’re homebound.

"I feel her coming."

JofY: ...ew.

Crazy56U: Oh Lord, stop that, YOU’RE IN PUBLIC!

said The Changeling Queen laughing a laugh you'd here a mad scientist uses. "Soon my plans will come to realization! I will have my revenge."

About an hour later.

JofY: [Changeling Mook] “...”

[Chrysalis] “...”

[Changeling Mook] “...”

[Chrysalis] “...”

[Changeling Mook] “...so- *explodes*”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “(has fallen asleep) ZZZZZZZZZZ”

"Alright I'm ready to go!" said Ditzy.

JofY: She takes long in the shower!

Crazy56U: Well, she was practically caked in changeling gore...

"Then let's get to it." I was bandaged up, and The Doctor helped heal some wounds.

SC276: She said she’d be showering if they needed her! That’s a fucking OK to go! Twilight’s probably dead by now!

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “(jabbing a wound with the sonic screwdriver) C’mon… C’mon… ...oh, COME ON, this worked last time!”

His TARDIS is a miracle worker! My ribs weren't bruised now and I was ready to kick some changeling flank!

JofY: Now I’m not.

SC276: [Sabre] “Well, another twenty of them!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “All I did was sit on the floor and stare into space for an hour, and suddenly my injuries were gone!”

"Alright let's do this!" I yelled lighting my horn to create a long sword. As on que a horde of the buggers swarmed down the street!

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Alright, my children. No fancy infiltration tactics, no attempt to paralyze the guard by seizing the mind of their commander, and no love-buffs. We’re just going to charge them head-on in faceless waves so we can be dispatched. Ready?”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “OUTDATED MEME!”

I hacked up a few, Ditzy was kicking them till they stopped moving, Doc was tricking them into flying into a field he set up around the TARDIS,

SC276: Guess he finally found the bug-zapper feature.

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “AHA! I knew that I’d get the shields up if I simply punched the console a bunch!”

AJ was helping Ditzy, and Ruby went to find her daughter.

Scarlet: Bye, Ruby! I hope nothing bad happens to you! *crosses fingers*

JofY: Bye expendable!

Crazy56U: (is ordering a tombstone over the phone) Uh huh... Now, for the cost of the epitaph, is that per word or per letter? ...ah. I see... ...just leave it blank, nobody’s gonna care.

Of course since we were doing so well disaster had to strike! We heard Ruby scream. Applejack said she had things covered, and so I ran to Rubys aid.

Scarlet: Huh. That actually worked.

SC276: What’s the point of her again?

Crazy56U: Oh, hey, looks like I made that order just in time!

Chapter 7 The Cavalry Arives!

Scarlet: Tragically, without their spellchecker.

Crazy56U: A little too late, if you ask me...

I was running through the barren alleyways looking left and right for Ruby Spark. She was no were to be seen until I spotted a red puddle flowing down the street. "Blood!"

JofY: “Hope this isn’t Ruby’s blood.”

Crazy56U: As opposed to, what, Kool Aid?

I said. I sped up I had to find her. I turned a corner and saw Ruby Spark rolling away the body of....... Herself! "What how why?" I said trying to wrap my mind around it.

Scarlet: “How can this be? We were only under attack by changelings and oh god wow I’m an idiot.”

Crazy56U: Whelp, Ruby killed herself, that’s… a thing that happened.

"Just moping up." she said with a green glint in her eyes. Wait green glint! I lit my horn and blasted her away the imposter wailed "NOOOOOOOO!"

"Oh my Celestia that hurts!" said Ruby Spark she had a hole in her side! I ran to her side and said.

Scarlet: Do you come from a land down under? Where women grow and men chunder?

SC276: ~Son, I’ve made a life / out of reading people’s faces...~

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “OH CRAP, I can see your guts, holy crap!”

"No this can't be happening! It can't be no no no!" I was freaking out I didn't want to loose another friend not like this.

Crazy56U: Oh, please, her death was telegraphed eons ago! Besides, it’s not like

there’s gonna be a more pointless death, right?

"It's okay I've lived my life, made friends, and own my own store. If only I could be there for my dear Sparkler!

JofY: If only I was able to give my entire life’s story in these moments!

Crazy56U: [Ruby] “I mean, it kinda blows that I’m dying, but eh, it could be worse…”

Promise me you will find her and protect her!" she told me.

Scarlet: Oh great. I smell a sequel.

SC276: Judging from how much story’s left… that is exactly what’s going to happen. Fuck.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I have no idea who she looks like, how will I-”

[Ruby] “PROMISE ME!”

[Sabre] “FUCK, SHIT, OKAY!”

"I will!" I said she sighed, and closed her eyes for the last time. I arose and ran I was going to save that child!

Back at the TARDIS

JofY: Oh, so now you want to use transitions.

Crazy56U: The Author is learning. Albeit it’s at a snail’s pace, but he’s learning.

"There are a lot of changelings don't reckon we can hold this out much longer!" Applejack yelled over the chaos of the fight.

Scarlet: Remind me again why they aren’t using their magical police box to go get help from Canterlot?

JofY: Because the brakes are stuck.

Crazy56U: Because reasons.

The words set in and moral dropped until a blue bolt of energy flew by and destroyed a small group of the things!

SC276: Not ALL the things!

Crazy56U: Sonic has come to save the day, guys!

The group turned to see the trio of unicorns they thought they left in Canterlot. Twilight, Lyra, and the ever so helpfull Colgate!

Scarlet: Okay, I guess that works.

JofY: Okay, Colgate. First you want to be DIO, and now you want to be Speedwagon? Make up your mind!

Crazy56U: Let’s split the difference: Speedio.

At Sugar Cube Corner

SC276: Scene jumps everyone, and no one gives a shit.

Crazy56U: Oh, right, the TARDIS isn’t the only other location in the story!

"Did..did..did you see that?" said a shaky Lightning Smash he turned to see Sparkler curled in a ball in the corner sobbing. Her mother was killed before her very eyes! Now a stallion she doesn't even know is supposed to protect her!

Scarlet: And to make matters worse, her mother got attacked offscreen!

JofY: NO! That’s the worst kind of screen!

SC276: What relation do these characters have to the first-person narrator again?

Crazy56U: The only logical explanation to all of your quandaries is a simple, yet terrifying one: the Author gave up.

She was horrified.

JofY: No shit, dipshit.

Crazy56U: As opposed to laughing in glee?

What startled her more was when a changeling burst through the back doors and tackled Lightning! Sparkler did what any pony in this situation would do scream! Hearing the scream Sabre dashed for the store.

Scarlet: He used up all his stamina too quickly, and was blindsided by a player who had better dodge timing.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Oh shit, random screaming!”

Sparkler stopped screaming and kicked the creature in the muzzle knocking it off! Feeling proud of herself she got distracted and the creature grabbed her

Scarlet: Oh no! It’s got her by the Render Female Helpless Zone on her upper foreleg just below her shoulder! That completely prevents her from fighting back!

Crazy56U: [Changeling] “That isn’t nice, stop that!”

"Lightning help!" she said, but instead of the thing getting knocked off a purple blade pertruded from its chest. "What the?" she said before getting slung over Sabre's back along with her friend.

Scarlet: Wait I’m confused too. Is he walking around with a dead changeling on his horn like some kind of macabre kebab?

SC276: Eh, it’s probably one of those hard light weapons he keeps alternate shooting with.

Crazy56U: I think a better question is how did Sabre manage to not stab Sparkler along with the changeling as it held her?

The Streets

SC276: He started out as a poor boy, a child on here.

Crazy56U: Very helpful, thanks Narrator-Author.

"I'm guessing you're Sparkler right?"

JofY: Convenience works like that, right?

Crazy56U: The Element of Loyalty apparently doubles as the Element of Plot

Convenience...

I said Sparkler nodded "Then I'm getting you to safety."

"Whoa were are we going who are you?" she asked before looking at my armor and looking up.

SC276: What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you people?

Crazy56U: [Sparkler] “Are you God?”

"I promised your mother I would look out for you."

JofY: “Oh, BTW, ya ma like dead. Sry.”

Crazy56U: [Sparkler] “Aw, man, she couldn’t have picked anyone else?”

I turned a corner and sat them down and said "Now tell me about your self Miss. Sparkler." She told me her full name Amethyst Spark, she was from Canterlot, her father was killed by changelings, she was 12 years old at the time, and a few other things.

Scarlet: Like the meaning of life, how to square a circle, and the formula for the creation of a philosopher’s stone. You know. Other things.

SC276: Doe she know a way out of this fic?

Crazy56U: (sadly) There is no way out of this fic.

"Okay can we get out of here now?" asked Lightning Smash I nodded and we made a brake for the TARDIS.

SC276: I thought it wasn’t moving because its brake was still on?

Crazy56U: I bet dollars to donuts that the Author straight up forgot that.

At The TARDIS

"Well bout time you fellers got back.... Where's that red feller?" asked Applejack Sparkler looked on the verge of tears I answered AJ while trying to comfort her.

Scarlet: Not what feller means. Get your fake-ass country-isms out of here, ya varmint.

SC276: You get your fake, I say, your fake countryisms outta, I say, countryisms outta my life!

Crazy56U: Settle down, guys, let’s not have this turn into an Old West-style showdown...

"She was killed before I got there, but she told me to find her daughter and keep her safe." I said looking at the filly next to me.

"Oh my I'm so sorry little one let's get you inside." Applejack led the girl and her friend inside the TARDIS while I went over to the trio of unicorns and spoke my mind.

Scarlet: [Sabre] “Is this almost over yet? I’m missing my favorite TV show.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “You got any booze?”

"Twilight I told you to stay in Canterlot!"

"If I hadn't of came you're friends here would be dead now." said Twilight we continued arguing before Ditzy broke us up. There was urgency in her eyes.

Scarlet: We still never did address why she was covered in changeling blood, did we?

SC276: How is it possible I dislike the Rainbow Factory ripoff less?

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “SHUSH! A thing is happening…”

"Their Queen is here." I looked at her slack jawed until I turned my head seeing the alicorn like Queen Crisilis.

JofY: Dethroner!

Crazy56U: And now the Author is just straight up ignoring the spell checker out of spite.

"Ah I see both of my little headaches are right in front of me!

JofY: “I’m not hallucinating! You’re hallucinating the air as not being headaches!”

Crazy56U: (pulls out a bottle of aspirin) Got ya covered, Chrysalis!

Now I can get my revenge!" she said before jumping from the roof landing in front of me snarling "This will be fun!"

Scarlet: Boss fight music, engage!

CaptainPipsqueak: WOO!

SC276: Might be a little too epic for this situation here.

CaptainPipsqueak: Not if you played on a kazoo...

Crazy56U: (deadpan) No it won’t, shut up.

CaptainPipsqueak: You should see the boss it plays for: looks like an infinitely long tower made of heads.

JofY: What does everyone have against the kazoo?

Crazy56U: Uh… I was actually responding to what Chrysalis said, don’t know what

you guys are on about...

Chapter 8 The End

Crazy56U: Oh, thank the Lor-

and a Beginning

Crazy56U: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I charged my horn preparing an attack, but I wasn't expecting her to be able to negate the spell "What the heck!" I said confused.

SC276: That’s what we’ve been wondering.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “But I’m awesome, you can’t negate my awesomeness!”

[Chrysalis] “...I have some bad news for you…”

She rolled her eyes and approached.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Psssh, noob. You’re supposed to wait to charge a visceral until you riposte your opponent. Duh!”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Hmm… I hate you the most… You shall die first…”

"I see your horn doesn't like mind alteration spells. Oh well I'll kill you personally!" she said lunging.

SC276: So… wait, he’s immune to mind control? Like the kind she used on Shining Armor and yet not here?

JofY: No, clearly, it’s just his horn. I mean, just look at that easy to understand dialogue! How can you not understand what was said?

Crazy56U: He’s too stupid for it to work on him.

I side steeped still unable to create a new weapon I rammed into her with my horn!

Scarlet: Wow, good job! If you keep this up, you might be able to clear this stage without using healing items!

Crazy56U: (cough)

She growled in pain and walked backwards to get away from my horn.

SC276: I’m pretty sure just walking away isn’t going to do much good.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Aw, geez, that thing is pointy…”

I charged for words sinking my horn into her right front leg.

Scarlet: [Sabre] “FOR THE DICTIONARY!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Urban Dictionary powers, activate!”

She blasted me away. I was defenseless I couldn't stand or use magic I was as good as dead,

SC276: Don’t worry, you’ve been like that to us for the past story and a half or so.

Crazy56U: (crosses fingers)

but as she was firing her beam Applejack tried to save me taking the blast instead.

Scarlet: ...oh you motherfucker.

JofY: That was a needless death and you know it.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Applejack]: “How do ya… like… them apples, ya… bastard… ? *COUGH*”

SC276: Is the author going to make it a rule to kill off one of the Mane 6 every story?

Crazy56U: Oh, God damnit!

"Noooo Applejack!" Twilight yelled in anguish over her fallen friend. She sent blast after blast of energy at the Queen hitting her directly each time, but in her rage she failed to notice a hidden changeling in the bushes. It jumped out slamming the unicorn into her friends.

Scarlet: Thus giving Sabre an opportunity to kill-steal.

Crazy56U: [Changeling] “DOGPILE!”

"Enough!" I yelled grabbing the changeling with a quick blast. "You've hurt to many, killed to many of my friends for me to let you go! You die right here right now!"

JofY: “You! Random Mook! It’s all your fault!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you to DEATH!”

I ignited my horn drawing power from the element on my chest making a rainbow colored blade on my head. "I'm ready!"

Scarlet: [Sabre] “This horn of mine glows with an awesome POWERRRR! Its rainbow shine tells me to defeat you. Take this, my love, my anger, and all of my sorrow!”

JofY: Oh, no! He might use the carebear stare!

CaptainPipsqueak: One would think it kind of risky to piss off creatures that have laser cannons in their chests...

SC276: [Spongebob] “I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Welcome to DIE!”

The fight raged on for a while we locked horns, deflected each others spells, stuck each other when we were off our guard, and still no victor.

SC276: This is much more exciting than actual battle narration.

Crazy56U: How are they evenly matched?! Chrysalis should’ve won by now!

I jumped to the right raised my back legs and kicked her in the side sending her sprawling into the dirt.

Scarlet: Man, if only Chrysalis had the ability to infiltrate groups and destroy them from the inside, she could have avoided this!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, if only she could disguise herself as her foe; become a ‘changeling’ if you will…

Crazy56U: Low blow, Sabre! Low blow!

As she rose I pressed my right hoove into her neck I raised my left hoove and slammed it into the side of her face. The attack left two teeth in the dirt. My magic ignited and I created my finisher. My battle axe! I was not going to let her live to kill another day I brought my axe onto the base of her neck severing the head.

Scarlet: “GO! GO! GOOO!”

JofY: Good job. You killed another soldier. Seriously. Check the wording. He grabbed a changeling that was about to kill Twilight and defeated it. The Queen is still alive.

Crazy56U: That… was a little excessive, dude. You could’ve easily smashed her skull in.

My face spattered with blood as I raised my head I looked at the lifeless body of Applejack, and blacked out.

Scarlet: ...will anyone object if I immolate this story.

CaptainPipsqueak: Do you have a preference, or will good ol’ matches do it for you?

JofY: The soul isn’t nuanced enough in this fic to work.

Crazy56U: ...i-is the implication that, in the confusion, Sabre accidentally beheaded

Applejack’s corpse?

7 years later

SC276: Well that’s a sudden fucking time skip there.

Crazy56U: Well, at least the Author-Narrator was kind enough to inform us of this...

"Open your present Dinky."

CaptainPipsqueak: [Ditzy]: “Use the same method you did on the previous Dinky.”

Crazy56U: So, wait, is this Hearth’s Warming or Dinky’s birthday? ...or both?

said Ditzy Doo to her daughter Dinky. The Doctor, and Lyra were there, so was Dinkys older sister Sparkler (She was adopted shortly after the battle),

CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you for bringing us up to speed, you Applejack-killing bastard.

SC276: [Apple Bloom] “D I R T Y S I S T E R K I L L E R”

Crazy56U: [Author] “Yep, now that Applejack is dead, everything is great in the

world! Aren’t I an awesome person?!”

Colgate wasn't able to come over, but we're was Sabre he was supposed to be here hours ago!

Scarlet: Yeah, about that. I might’ve borrowed him to use as the first victim for my spell to resurrect Applejack. Don’t worry, I promise his death will be painful.

JofY: Really? You think blood magic is that easy?

SC276: Well last we saw, he blacked out, so I assume he’s dead.

Crazy56U: Sabre was at the IHOP, for reasons.

"Mommy where's daddy at?" asked Dinky.

SC276: I’m going to kill someone.

Crazy56U: (brain ignites) ...ow...

"Right here." said Sabre as he walked through the doorway.

Scarlet: Damn it, I knew I should’ve locked the cage!

JofY: Oh! That was supposed to be locked!?

Crazy56U: Why are you still alive?!

"Daddy!" Dinky squealed with delight Sabre walked over and gave her a hug, and then took his seat over by Ditzy.

Scarlet: ...well, at least it isn’t another terrible OC/main ship?

CaptainPipsqueak: As if an OC/background were any better...

Crazy56U: (brain is now roasting)

SC276: I’ll call the fire department.

"You're late." Ditzy scolded.

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Late’ as in ‘the late Sabre Whatsisface’?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Look, I’m sorry, but at the same time, I’m not.”

"I made it didn't I."

"Ok yes you did"

Scarlet: Remember kids- making it is all you can ever expect. Even if your parents show up stone-drunk and puking, it still counts!

SC276: Attendance continues to be the only part of school I excel at!

Crazy56U: YAY!

"Great now Dinky I got you a very special present." I said pulling out a package.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “It’s a Bible!”

"Yaaayy!" Dinky said again opening the box with glee finding a binder with eight papers with strange pictures on them.

JofY: Uhh...

Crazy56U: Ooh, it’s “The Bible: Picture Book Edition”!

JofY: For kids.

SC276: So, the Brick Bible?

Puzzled she asked me what they were. I said.

Scarlet: “Are you trying to tempt me? Because I come from a land of plenty!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I got it at a yard sale! :D”

"Safety."

JofY:...Huh? I’m sorry, but is it supposed to be an instruction manual, the story we just read, or some ancient time of scroll? No seriously. What is it?

SC276: They’re Cheato Pages, so Banjo’s going to burst in any minute now.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “As long as you have this picture book, you will be safe for… some reason…”

The End

Scarlet: And unfortunately, not the end of this riff. Oh dear.

Crazy56U: (brain explodes) ...ow…

(If you want to see a Pinkie story cannon to Sabre's adventures go to Slendermares page it'll be out soon!

JofY: Oh... *starts twitching* We’re doing it again?

Crazy56U: (brain explodes again) ...okay, then, that happened...

Yay I finished another one)

CaptainPipsqueak: Pinkie has a story cannon, too? I’d have thought that’d have been Twilight’s thing.

Crazy56U: Don’t fucking mock us.

Info on Sabre

Scarlet: Oh hell yes. This is some classic early-badfic narm. I wasn’t sure the internet still produced things like this!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, to be fair, this story is almost two years old, so this narm has already happened.

Crazy56U: Oh, goody! A gift nobody wanted!

A lot of pony's have been asking so I'll answer the questions on my abilities and such.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God’s testicles, now it’s devolved into an FAQ...

SC276: If your readers are asking questions about your character, that means you suck at writing for him.

Crazy56U: Theory: No one was asking, the Author is just being a cunt.

1. Backstory

I was born in Canterlot into a family of earth pony's. At 17 I joined the guard, and I got my cutiemark there.

Scarlet: “I was teased mercilessly given most ponies get theirs out of friggin’ third grade.”

JofY: Behold! The rich and nuanced background of an average citizen who is honestly wasting their time telling us that part!

SC276: A unicorn from a bunch of earth ponies? Sure, why not. Nothing else about this fic makes sense.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I got it when I accidentally stabbed myself with one of the swords!”

2. Strengths and weaknesses

CaptainPipsqueak: Although it’s more like strengths and other strengths, amIrite?

Crazy56U: Half of that is nonexistent.

I am very adept at spells that turn magic into a solid form condensed around my horn. I cannot use ranged weapons else I risk draining myself completely in one shot. If a spell that targets my mind is used I'm not effected by it, but my magic becomes in active for a while.

JofY: So, if someone uses a mind spell on you… Nothing happens? You have to use a bit of magic?

SC276: Why would attempts to mind-control you disrupt your magic?

Crazy56U: ...dear God, even your magic sucks?!

I can't handle loosing friends/family if I do I either.

Scarlet: “And sometimes, I work too hard.”

Crazy56U: “A) Become Upset or B) Become Happy- wait, I mean-”

A. Go berserk or.

B. Black out.

Scarlet: “B makes me kind of useless and unreliable in any combat scenario, admittedly.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “B happens more often than you think…”

3. Fears

I HATE spiders with all of my being.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Spiders of the world]: “Yeah, and fuck you too, buddy!”

Scarlet: Someone summon Muffet.

Crazy56U: (puts on a spider costume) I feel ridiculous… but it’s worth it.

JofY: *takes a picture of Crazy* Ahh… This is going into the scrapbook.

SC276: Stop!

Look

Scarlet: Listen!

Crazy56U: Don’t touch!

Dark black mane

Tanish/brown fur

Scarlet: Tanish? Is that like some kind of Danish thing?

Crazy56U: Ah, goody, he’s “generic horse” color!

Unicorn

My cutiemark is crossed purple swords

My magic, and eyes are purple.

Scarlet: I’m beginning to believe that the red and black alicorn OC thing is a myth. The true derp is purple-on-brown.

Crazy56U: Actually, his eyes are blue; he just wears colored contacts to be super kewl.

Hope this helped.

RingmasterJ5: It really didn’t. Anyway, see you all next time for part five of The Cat-

Fallen Prime: There’s more.

RingmasterJ5: ...excuse me?

Fallen Prime: It’s a trilogy. There’s a sequel to the sequel. And it’s more Slender shit.

RingmasterJ5: ...you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. How long is it and what’s the title?

Fallen Prime: “The Arrival.” And it’s about 4K words, meaning we can run it and STILL be under our cap. Load it up, boss man.

RingmasterJ5: Okay, without further ado, guess we’re running… that.

Crazy56U: Fallen, why do you hate us?

JofY: ...alright I guess.

CaptainPipsqueak: If by ‘helped’ you mean ‘made it easier to hate you’, you succeeded.

SC276: Taking bets now: which of the Mane 6 is gonna die this time?! Place your bets now, ladies and gentlemen!

Crazy56U: …$5 on Twilight.

Chapter 1 The Mare with no face.

Scarlet: She will be played by Clint Eastwood.

CaptainPipsqueak: ~I been through the desert on a horse with no face…~ … Oh come on; not one of you thought that?

Crazy56U: The number one suspect in this face theft is a guy wearing a top hat.

Seven years later

JofY: After what? The first chapter?

Crazy56U: So, it’s been approximately 14 years since Applejack was murdered by

the Auth- I mean Chrysalis?

"Now I avenge my fathers death!" said a light purple unicorn mare. She was still a blank flank, but she has one unconventional talent, and it feared it.

Scarlet: Her name is Inigo Montoya. You killed her father. Prepare to die.

CaptainPipsqueak: She spent most of her life chasing down the Two-Tailed Stallion. (Do you have any idea how hard coming up with an equivalent to ‘six-fingered’ is when you’re dealing with equines?)

Crazy56U: Hi, Dinky.

In her head she could hear "You will soon join him! No pony is powerful enough to stop me! Slendermare!"

Scarlet: Wow. Only a week after we riffed it, and I think “A Displaced Monster” gave this concept more dignity.

CaptainPipsqueak: Granted that’s a rather backhanded compliment, but I don’t think you’re entirely wrong...

JofY: I will be enraged! No one can stop my true anger! Name I’m shouting out!

SC276: So, wait, is Sabre dead, or did the daughter mix up the changelings that killed her family with something that shouldn’t even exist in Equestria why am I devoting brain cells to trying to understand this author?!

Crazy56U: Bye, Dinky. (gets up and leaves)

The other mare grinned at her white furred, tux wearing, faceless demon. She lit her horn, and produced eight pages. If Slendermare could look scared she did.

Scarlet: Eight pages. Eight… pages. Eight… *groans* oh for the love of everything.

JofY: Okay, what? How? The… But… Go back to your room fic. You can come out when you learn not to place your shadow on others foreheads.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m lost here. Don’t help; I appreciate my lack of knowledge.

SC276: I thought when you got all eight pages, Slendy killed you immediately.

"No! How did you get those?" yelled the Slenderpony into the mares thoughts.

[Mare]: “I pulled them out of my bag. Pay attention, stupid.”

"You could call it a birthday present."

JofY: We however like to call it lazy writing.

CaptainPipsqeak:...or whatever this is supposed to be.

the mares eyes lit up in a yellow light, and six gems came out of her bags next "And some death wishes."

SC276: Oh god she has the fucking Elements. Someone kill me now.

JofY: *stabs SC* ...Did that help?

SC276: Surprisingly, no.

She placed them in her armor, and casted a spell just like her dad! She formed a sword around her horn.

Scarlet: It was large, made of metal, and caused her to overbalance comically.

Seven years earlier

"What are these?" asked Dinky I simply replied with.

SC276: Those are stupid non-distinct cheat scene transitions. They’re used when the author doesn’t give enough of a shit to do better.

"Safety." she looked at me quizzically then shrugged placing the binder down besides her.

SC276: Aaaaaand it’s a two-part trilogy. Of course.

"Now let's eat some cake!" said an ever so peppy Doctor.

Scarlet: [Doctor] “I haven’t had cake in centuries! D’you still use cumin and roast partridge in it? No wait, that’s Antares-12.”

CaptainPipsqueak: We use crunchy frog and lark’s vomit here.

"Yes let's!" said Lyra we all got up, and I served the cake. Soon after every pony left I got an eerie feeling as if I was being watched. I shrugged it off, and went to bed.

Scarlet: It must be tough finding a narrator for this story when Sabre keeps replacing them.

SC276: Because the last time you felt like you were being watched, it wasn’t like the changelings attacked Ponyville and Applejack died.

The Next Morning

JofY: Seven years ago.

I woke up in my bedroom, and yawned as I looked around I noticed something was off.

JofY: ‘Did I always have a third nipple?’

Unable to pinpoint the cause I shrugged it off, and went downstairs. School was closed today it did snow pretty hard last night so I wasn't supprised.

Scarlet: It snows according to a schedule in Ponyville! There’s a whole episode about it! Several, actually!

I walked over to Dinky she was playing with some of her toys she got on her birthday yesterday. "Morning." I told her.

"Good morning Dad." said Dinky.

"Oh morning Sabre." said Ditzy walking down the stairs.

Scarlet: Good morning, Slendermare standing in the corner!

"Morning." I said giving her a kiss on the cheek. I still felt that presence not sure what it was I turned to Dinky, and smiled. Of course when ever something good happens something worse happens each time.

SC276: Well let’s see. Fought a bunch of changelings, beat up by the rest of them, became high in royal guard, cousin kidnapped and had to kill rogue Element of Harmony, took Element of Harmony and gave no indication of having to return it and became Ponyville’s protector, hometown attacked by changelings while you were with a madpony in a box and someone else you were allegedly close to died and blacked out, woke up seven years later married with a kid. ...Yeah, Nagito won a five-bullet round of Russian Roulette, so consider me unimpressed.

Anyway a armored stallion walked in. He was strange looking he had a horn (if you could call it that looked like a spearhead to me), and bat wings.

Scarlet: Y’know, as armored stallions do. They don’t even bother using the door, instead phasing into the narrative from the ether.

JofY: Well, he is the night.

His fur was black, his eyes red, and a peach tail. His armor was an assortment of different hides, and cloths. When he opened his mouthe, and revealed a set of sharp teeth (you know like wolves have)

Scarlet: Wow, novelty vampire fangs!

SC276: You worked in the royal guard at the beginning of the first story, and you don’t know the night shift?

Dinky was starting to cry, but Ditzy comforted her as I approached the stallion. "Who are you, and you've frightened my daughter so what do you need?" I asked him. He replied with a voice that sounded like a mix of crazy and angry.

Scarlet: Wait this guy walked in and you don’t know him? I was kidding about the ether bit!

"The mare with no face has been spotted by the guards it killed three of them, but the forth got away." he said.

Scarlet: Hoooo boy.

SC276: That doesn’t answer his question, jerk.

"This can't be happening. Alright I'll get some help, and get rid of it. By the way I didn't catch your name." I said.

"Names Midnight Black got it." said Midnight Black.

Scarlet: Why are you acting on the information of a crazy werewolf?

CaptainPipsqueak: Let me ask you a question: What else has this dope done right today?

SC276: Or for the past seven-plus years?

"Okay I'll be right out. Dinky, Ditzy a dangerous creature was seen near the edge of the forest got to go.

SC276: You mean the Everfree? Which has nothing but dangerous creatures plus Zecora? Come to think of it, how are the Main 4 dealing with all this, what with two of their number dead, not to mention the first one being a murderous psychopath?

Oh and Dinky keep that binder on you at all times! Daddy loves you." I said leaving home for the last time.

Scarlet: Wait, are you narrating this story after your death? What?

SC276: What is this binder even? Is it the stupid cloak thing that has the Element of Loyalty in it for rainbow sword thing that I don’t even remember if it did anything? Until anything’s stated otherwise, I’m assuming it’s like the notebook weapon from Undertale.

Town

JofY: So, not Ponyville?

CaptainPipsqueak: No, this is Town. Just ‘Town.’ They’re hoping for a citizen influx so they can one day change the name to ‘City’.

"Okay you've all been briefed now you know that this "slenderpony" has been killing our people that I will not stand for!

JofY: “It’s totally a monster that’s killing everyone I hate! Not me!”

Now I know I should bring more ponies, but I trust you four the most!" I said to my group it consisted of Twilight (who was now an alicorn),

Scarlet: Oh that happened I guess. No significant change here, moving on!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, it doesn’t involve him so it’s just some thing, y’know?

SC276: Twilight’s ascension involved all six of the Elements in one place when she cast that incomplete spell, and Sabre’s been holding one for the last seven years. Furthermore, it also involved all five of her friends swapping cutie marks. Was it just traded off between the remaining ones?

Rairity, Fluttershy (she's just coming if we run into any animals),

CaptainPipsqueak: “Yes, we plan to feed her to them as we make our escape.”

and Midnight Black because he's being forced to help."

SC276: The plot hates him as much as it hates us.

I said he gave me a glare, but I kept talking until we got geared up, and headed into the forest.

SC276: Wait, was there a quote started at some point why am I even trying.

The Forest thirty minutes in

CaptainPipsqeak: So we’ve gone from ‘Town’ to ‘The Forest’. These people need someone with imagination to name places. if the place actually was called ‘The Forest thirty minutes in’ I might give them a bit of credit in that respect.

"Okay I think were hear."

SC276: If I tried to pun off every blatant misspelling, we’d be here until New Years.

I whispered to my group as we advanced into the ruined castle. When we got inside we looked for evidence of the Slendermare. Just then we had our first casualty. A black tentacle sprung out of a hallway,

JofY: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going!

SC276: Why yes there is in a hallway in the middle of the freakin’ woods.

and impaled Rairity then slamming her into a wall leaving a bloody splat on the surrounding area.

SC276: And now I’m of the impression that the rest of the Mane 6 are going to die in the next five minutes. So… everyone wins the bet apparently.

The nex one slammed into me it didn't even puncture me, but I was sent sprawling onto the stone. Next it grabbed Fluttershy, and squeezed until she stopped moving. Twilight and Midnight rushed the hall when the pony showed her self. It was around Celestias height with a bald head, it was also wearing a suit. Two more tentacles came from it's back one breaking through Twilights skull, the other slamming Midnight into a spike on the wall.

JofY: Spike, no!

CaptainPipsqueak: Spike, yes!

SC276: ...OK, everyone who bet on someone besides Pinkie, I don’t think she’s even shown up in these.

I arose, and took a stance when it walked forewords.

JofY: Well, then I guess the spike he landed on must have been shoved up his ass!

"Now you've done it!" I yelled powering myself with my element. "Now I kill YOU!"

CaptainPipsqueak: EXCITEMENT!

I charged it dodging tentacles left, and right slicing at a few only to see my blade pass harmlessly through them.

"No I kill you." I heard in my head was "it" talking to me. It lifted me up, and pulled me up to his faceless face. In my last moments I lit my horn picking the elements from my armor, and my friends jewelry, and teleporting them away.

"You'll still die, but not by my hooves. But Di..."

JofY: “But Dio will still defeat you Joestar!”

CaptainPipsqueak: "WRYYY!"

I was cut off by a tentacle snapping my neck. It dropped me, and just vanished.

SC276: If the first person narrator is dead, doesn’t that mean the story’s over?

The Cottage

SC276: Well fuck.

"I'm afraid to inform you Miss. Doo, but I'm afraid Sabre has died."

CaptainPipsqueak: Sadness.

said a guard that had came to deliver the news. Ditzy just sat there tears welling up in her eyes.

"Mommy is it true?" asked Dinky. Ditzy just started sobbing running off to her room. "No daddy no!"

JofY: Yes daddy yes!

cried Dinky at the thought of her father dead. Still crying the stallion dropped a package in front of Dinky.

JofY: It’s the remaining pieces of your father!

"You're father told me to give this to you if he didn't come back. Sorry for your loss." he said trotting off.

SC276: Well lucky for the plot that this particular random guard was the one sent to deliver the bad news.

Dinky stopped crying for a second to examine the box it was way to big for her to carry on her own, but she managed with some magic. She opened it finding a sack of bits, a large ornate box, and guard armor with six slots, three on each side built for a mare.

"What the hay." she said opening the box seeing the Elements of Harmony along with a note.

JofY: “Would you like to be spiritually awakened? Well then, all you need to do...”

"Dear Dinky if you are reading this I was killed by the Slendermare.

SC276: I’m wondering how many more ponies died while this guy was preparing his inheritance, which also includes the things that couldn’t possibly be there when he went in, also where the fuck is Pinkie.

I've left you a few thousand bits,

JofY: Few thousand bits!? Please for the love of… tell me you put it in a bank account where she can only access it when she’s older.

some custom armor, and the elements. Wait till you're fourteen then don the suit, place all the elements in there respective places, and avenge me.

JofY: “Become vengeful, blinded by your own rage.”

SC276: Well that’s one way of turning people to the Dark Side.

I've also left a book of combat spells in the box. Please don't moarn me just train, and study, and most importantly never loose those pages.

JofY: “Never loosen those pages! They’re very tight right now, and keep it that way!”

Love Daddy"

Tears running down her face Dinky muttered "Yes father."

Chapter 2 Royal business

Canterlot

"I can't belive she's dead.

JofY: Personally, I can’t believe it’s not butter.

After all she's been through just to be dusted aside as if she were an insect. Goodbye Twilight." said Celestia just reading the letter that arrived just minutes ago. Rage building inside she was about to hunt the beast when a small light purple unicorn filly walk into the room.

JofY: If memory serves me, isn’t this supposed to be seven years after the previous story?

SC276: I’m fairly sure Sabre is supposed to be Dinky’s father, so she’s less than seven. In which case, how the fuck did she get to Canterlot, much less an audience with the princess? In mourning?

"Princess I have come hoping you could teach me in your school." I asked.

SC276: [Celestia] “Y’know, you could just apply at the school, I don’t personally approve every student.”

"Why Dinky it's been awhile. I'm so sorry for your loss."

CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia]: “I hope my clumsy monotone delivery of that statement puts across to you how much the death of your mother hurt me.”

said Celestia Dinky mearly said.

"Is that a yes or a no?" she asked. Celestia breathed in.

"Yes my dear Dinky."

JofY: “Nevermind the fact that you currently have enough bits to get a teacher to teach you magic, and your yourself have not yet actually displayed any special talents in magic. Sure, I’ll teach you magic.”

Ditzy's Cottage Five Years Later

SC276: I’m fairly sure this fic is tied with the last in terms of no one has any idea how the plot works.

Ditzy was just talking with some of Dinky's school friends Sweetiebelle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom

SC276: Yes, those three are definitely attending Celestia’s magic school. Even though Apple Bloom probably has extra work on the farm without her big sister, I’m not entirely sure Sweetie Belle would still be in Ponyville, and who knows what’s been up with Scootaloo after the first story.

when a knock was heard at the door. "Now who could that be?" said Ditzy leaving the conversation to answer the door. She opened the door, and saw no pony so she returned to the former Cutie Mark Crusaders they had gotten their cutiemarks.

CaptainPipsqueak: Excitement. *yawn*

Scootaloo had a tire that seemed to be riding through fire, Sweetie had a music note with two small hearts on either side, and Applebloom had two hammers crossing (guess what) an apple (shocker).

JofY: (face of surprisement)

SC276: Season 5 saves the day again.

Later that night Ditzy could hear strange noises coming from down stairs. She got out of bed, put on her night robe, and walked down the stairs.

When she reached the bottom a strange pony was standing just in the corner of her eye!

JofY: Look out! It’s an OC!

SC276: Look out! It’s Osmosis Jones!

When she turned she saw nothing. Taking it as her eyes playing tricks on her she turned around to go back to her room she came face to no face with Slendermare! "NO!"

JofY: “I don’t have a pen on me! I’ve wanted your autograph for so long!”

she yelled turning around to run it mearly teleported in front of her. It's skin tore open were its mouth would've been revealing a set of black sharp teeth, and then a void.

CaptainPipsqueak: What is it with voids in the recent stories?

"HELP ME!" she yelled as she ran again stopped by the pony.

SC276: This author is beyond help.

As she started to only see static she knew in her heart she was doomed. "Goodbye Dinky. Goodbye Sparkler." she said tears running down her face before she fell over dead.

SC276: So… why is Slenderman hunting down Dinky’s family again?

JofY: Because it needs to be as tragic as possible.

Canterlot

"All right class that's all for today you can head home for the day." said Celestia as class ended that day. I was nearly big enough to wear the armor my dad gave me.

SC276: Fuck, she inherited her father’s first-person narrator genes.

It seemed to grow is I grow to so I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to fit in it. Anyway as I approached the front door it was night time, and Celestia was just going to bed. As I walked up to the house I heard a scream saying.

"Goodbye Dinky, goodbye Sparkler. Mommy loves you."

JofY: (rereads the previous scene) Wow. Couldn't even fully copy and paste?

I heard this, and barged into the house only to see Slendermare. It turned to see me showing me it's new mouth,

CaptainPipsqueak: It was chrome, lined with flame decals and bitchin’ cool.

JofY: It got the need for speed.

SC276: How to tell when someone’s a vore artist.

but I wasn't scared I was angry!

SC276: Insert lines from the Emperor here.

For I saw my mothers dead body at its hooves. It's tentacles came out, and lashed out at me before a strange barrier blocked them it was a light purple color just like "Dad." I said knowing he was protecting me.

SC276: Even when the bastard’s dead, he’s curbstomping.

As he instructed I had the binder on me, but when I took it out the creature reeled back, and ran into the wall vanishing. I fell to the ground, and passed out.

SC276: I think the story’s getting to be too much for her.

Ponyville Hospital

"Ugh my head." I said as I sat up in my hospital bed.

JofY: She then got a headrush, and proceeded to faint.

SC276: So apparently according to the author, Ponyville and Canterlot are the exact same place.

I held my right hoof against my head trying to remember what exactly happened last night when I saw a stallion in armor talking to a doctor.

"I can't just let you in there your not even related!" said the doctor. You see only family, and close family friends approved by either the one in the bed, or a relative can see a patient.

CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you, Captain Knowlege!

"Royal Business."

CaptainPipsqueak: [Doctor]: “The bathroom is down the hall and through the door on the left. Be sure to wash your hooves when you’re done.”

said the stallion his voice was different. I was thinking he'd better not come in here who knows who he is besides I just need time to think. That's when Midnight Black walked into the room. "Miss me."

JofY: ...Who are you again?

SC276: I thought he died. Along with the rest of the Mane 6 and the dad.

Chapter 3 Getting Even

Celestias School for gifted Unicorns Courtyard

"And it is my pleasure to graduate these students from my academy knowing that they have the knowledge needed for an adept unicorn in our world! First graduate Dinky Celestial Doo!" said Celestia at the schools graduation.

SC276: Who has a middle name like “Celestial”? Y’know, besides new age retro hippies?

I've been training for seven years now, and right after the ceremony I'm getting even with a certain faceless mare.

SC276: Gheeze, not even going to have a graduation party or anything where you get animation software and your first iPod as gifts?

It's been seven years since my father died, two since my mom died. Anyway Im big enough to fit in the armor my dad gave me, and the elements were in place. I still don't know why there was a sun shaped slot in the front.

JofY: ...So, Celestia is dead.

As I got my diploma I said goodbye to Celestia, and ran out the door.

JofY: No! Wait, the door’s stil- [BLAM] ...closed.

SC276: And you’re the first to get the diploma, right? So you literally just ditched the graduation ceremony of your entire class. Jerk move, girl. You’ve been waiting seven years, what’s an hour or three more?

Midnight Black was waiting outside strapped to a chariot with Scoots, Sweetiebelle, and Applebloom on it. They were all outfitted in guard armor with spears strapped to their sides.

JofY: Because they’re the type to want to join the army.

SC276: Cutie Mark Crusaders Creepypasta Fighters YAY!

"Alright girls let's do this!" I said as Midnight flew to words the Everfree Forest. You might think why are they risking their lives to help you? I'll tell you the Slendermare killed Sweetiebelles sister Rairity, Sabre my dad is Scootaloo's cousin,

JofY: ...Wasn’t that Rainbow Dash? I mean, yes, he killed her… But I don’t think that inherits the title.

SC276: I can’t believe Scootaloo, Chereliee, and Sabre all being related is the one thing from the past fics that I freakin’ remember.

and Appleblooms sister Applejack was killed in the battle for Ponyville fighting along Sabre. So they want this (censor) to die.

JofY: “We need to kill the censoring! Their control of modern media has gone on far enough!”

CaptainPipsqueak: You know; I’ve actually stopped registering when the author does something like this now.

The Cottage

I went into my old room for one last time grabbing a picture of my family having a picnic in Canterlot one evening. I sighed remembering the good old days before "it" came into the picture.

JofY: “Now there’s balloons floating everywhere!”

CaptainPipsqeak: Everything floats here.

I put the picture into my saddlebags, and returned to the chariot.

SC276: Foreshadowing, or meaningless scene in an attempt to increase the drama we don’t give a fuck about? Place your bets!

Canterlot

Celestia was just getting done with her duties of raising the sun, and was jotting her signature on some papers when a guard walked in. He was covered in blood, he was muttering something about a mare with no face. Before she could even approach him he collapsed. Celestia checked for a pulse, and found nothing when she looked up her face met a tentacle moving at several hundred miles an hour. There was a scream, and a crunch. Equestria just lost a princess.

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s okay, it was only Celestia.

JofY: I’d like to point out that CALLED IT!

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh come on; this story’s handing out deaths like free cookie samples. It’s only a wonder she lasted this long.

SC276: Why, even? What reason would a child-obsessed creepypasta monster go after Celestia? And let me guess, Equestria falls into chaos because the author forgot Luna exists.

Everfree Forest

"Alright let's do this." I said with my group behind me.

SC276: Y’know, if the monster’s in Canterlot performing an assassination, it probably means it’s not in the forest.

We approached the abandoned castle looking around carefully so that they wouldn't join their family in death so soon. As we walked along I saw the corpse. There was an alicorn with a hole in her head I recognized her instantly. "Princess!"

JofY: Celestia always had a hole in her head, right?

SC276: Orrrrrr I remember this author has no sense of spacial relations.

I said running to my dead mentor I was on the verge of tears. The sadness was replaced by rage as I knew who did this. "Come out Slendermare, and face me! Or are you afraid to get your flank kicked?" I said my request answered when a tentacle tripped Sweetiebelle, and flung her against the wall.

SC276: It didn’t immediately kill her with tentacle stabbity like a bitch like it did with every adult in this series because *jazz hands*.

"Sweetie!" said the remainder of the cmc drawing their spears. I teleported besides them, and used a spell my dad always used. I created a yellow sword around my horn.

"She's dead." I said my head down.

JofY: My god! Event comics kill at a slower rate than this fic does! Scratch that, gore fics kill at a slower rate!

SC276: She’s at least seventeen or so by now! How the fuck does she die from tripping?!

"Don't say that!"

JofY: “She’s only mostly dead!”

Applebloom yelled at me when she tried to run to her friends side Midnight blocked her.

"I've died before I know what death feels like, and she is dead."

JofY: ...You know, that could honestly be what it reads as, and we may never know.

CaptainPipsqueak: That...doesn’t really help describe the situation to Apple Bloom.

SC276: So you did die, which means you’re living now because fuck this story.

he said before he looked at Appleblooms unmoving body "Applebloom you okay?" without an answer she fell. I ran up to her, and looked into her eyes sure enough they looked like a tv when you put magnets next to it.

CaptainPipsqueak: O...kay?

SC276: There’s been no prior indication that TVs exist in Equestria. In this story.

Now she's dead.

CaptainPipsqueak: So another Apple has fallen from the tr...No.

JofY: What? Did she just get a heart attack?

"Scootaloo behind me." said Midnight terrified she obeyed.

A figure came out of the shadows and said "Hello my little pests."

CaptainPipsqueak: ~I used to wonder what infestation could be/And then you shared your flea-bitten ways with me…~

SC276: Why is it bothering with talking instead of just killing them?

Chapter 4 The Final Battle

CaptainPipsqueak: Liar! LIAR!

Slendermare's Lair

If Midnight wasn't there I would've been impaled. Slendermare sent a tentacle in my direction I wasn't fast enough to dodge it, but Midnight Black jumped in the way getting his head torn off!

SC276: Second time’s the charm!

It flew into the air before it fell into his outstretched hoof. He put it back on the stump, and said "Hey guess what you already killed me. I'm already dead, and you can't kill what's already dead so you can't win." he said.

JofY: Oh please, over half of us here are dead, and you don’t see us winning anything.

CaptainPipsqueak: We don’t win anything for dying? Why that lying fuck...

SC276: Oh c’mon, I put up with enough “surviving decapitation” in that fic.

Clearly angry the creature ripped him apart limb from limb, but each time he just put them back on.

JofY: You do realize that tearing off the limbs is the type of method that kills this form of immortality, right?

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; he has to get his head cut off in order to die. There can be only one.

JofY: *looks up ~6 sentences* ...

CaptainPipsqueak: That cheating bastard. Must be using the Konami code.

"Gotta do better than that to beat me!" yelled Midnight as he charged the creature.

SC276: The only thing he fears is man’s gun and man’s fire.

He passed right through it, and got knocked out by getting his face slammed into a rock wall.

"Well that didn't last very long." I remarked.

CaptainPipsqueak: But more than long enough for us.

"I don't think we need witty remarks both of our friend jus "died" you heard me died!" she said raising her voice that was a bad idea. A tentacle flew at her she jumped up, and dodged it then shot herself at the creature.

SC276: Wait, who said that again?

Before I could stop her she was on a crash course for a stone wall. She passed through the creature, and ended up killing herself by slamming her head into a stone wall.

SC276: Well, that’s a Darwin Award right there.

I just said "YOU KILLED SCOOTALOO YOU MONSTER!" to the creature.

JofY: “The others I only sort of cared about, BUT SCOOTALOO!?! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE! SHE! WAS! MY! WAIFU!”

SC276: Tecnically, I think she killed herself...

Yawning sounded in my head as I said that. The Slenderpony said "Time for you then I suppose."

"Bring it." I said, but instead of being attacked I heard a sound like breaking glass looking at the ground I saw fragments of gems. "Well (censor) me." I said.

JofY: You just did it yourself.

A tentacle slammed into my chest sending me flying back. I caught my hoofing, and aimed a blast of energy at the creature sending volley after volley of yellow magic beams. Each one sailing through it. "Ah come on!" I said.

SC276: I see she’s honoring the dead with a Sweetie Belle impression.

Another tentacle grabbed my leg, and threw me at the back wall.

SC276: This kills Sweetie Belle but not her because this fic hates its readers.

I got up, and felt a sudden jolt of pain. I looked down, and saw my leg bent in an awkward angle. The Slenderpony materialized in front of me, and said "My my how pathetic just like your parents. Shame I thought you'd of been a tad bit stronger." it said. I got up ignoring the pain, and stared down the demon

SC276: Literally the only reason the fic will have Dinky win is because the villain keeps monologuing instead of killing her.

JofY: To be fair, you wouldn’t know that he was evil if not for the fact that he was evil. After all, he just wants to end this story.

"Don't you DARE TALK about my parents like that.

JofY: [Slenderpony] “Yeah, well, I double dare you to talk about your parents like that!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “I double-dog dare you!”

SC276: [Slenderpony] “Dee-double-dog dare you!!”

You do it again I'll have to kill you."

"Fine your parents were... Bam!" Slendermare was cut off by a hoof surprisingly connecting with its chin sending it sprawling onto the floor.

"You insufferable PEST!" it said.

SC276: [Slendermare] “How dare you find the plot power necessary to be able to hit me!”

"I will devour you soul... Bam!"

CaptainPipsqueak: *WHAM!* *POW!* *ZAPPO!*

JofY: *ORA- No… those are for awesome moments.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh come on; you can never go wrong with 60’s Batman fight sounds.

SC276: To the Batmobile! It might have a better story!

in came another punch sending the demon onto the ground again. The Slendermare teleports to the other side of the room. "You will die!"

"No you will."

JofY: Plot twist: This is all a kindergarten spat.

I said bringing out the Elements Of Harmony from my bags. I inserted them into my armor. "I brought extra."

"Impossible I destroyed them. There can't be more." it said.

"You really didn't know. These things are pretty much indestructible."

JofY: You get an Element of Harmony! You get an Element of Harmony! Everyone gets an Element of Harmony!

CaptainPipsqueak: [Charlie Brown]: “I got a rock…”

SC276: Did the superpowered creepypasta not figure that Sabre teleported them away, or is the author seriously retreading the climax of the two-part series premiere?

I said "Oh and I've got one more surprise." I said bringing out my old binder. It's cover was worn, but other than that it was in good shape.

"No. You can't!" It said.

JofY: “No! Not old school notes!”

"You know I've never known what these pages were for till a few moments ago.

SC276: So it is an actual notebook thing! That would’ve been nice to know before now!

They are for killing you." I said levitating the pages in a circle around me.

"How did you get those?" It asked.

"Let's just say they were a gift." I said before sending a bolt of pure energy at the creature. A hole appeared in its chest, and it fell limp.

JofY: That was easy.

The End

SC276: Cease with your lies.

I stumbled the adrenalin gone I was now in pain, and tired, but worst of all sad. My friends were just murdered in front of me, and I just stood there! Stood there, and watched.

JofY: It’s almost like their deaths were immensely stupid or something.

I sat there crying everyone I knew, or loved was dead. I blacked out.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey. Hey hey. No. You just said The End. I call for a penalty foul.

SC276: Trainer Dinky blacked out!

Hospital

"Well looks like she's coming to! Miss she's coming to!" said an over excited doctor.

JofY: *audible wink*

I opened my eyes to see a smiling stallion inches from my face. I did the only sensible thing

SC276: Now’s not the time to start that.

I punched him in the face. He fell back holding his muzzle whimpering. "Ow ow ow!" he said "Un called for."

SC276: So was that space.

"Well you were uncomfortably close to my face." I said in a sarcastic tone.

JofY: “Baka...”

"Sorry got carried away. By the way I'm Doctor Gem." said Gem

JofY: “And yes, my brother’s name, is Stoned.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Little was anyone aware that he was a hologram.

"And a pony by the name of Lyra is here to pick you up, and you better my brother Slappy Hooves will be here soon."

JofY: Why? Can anyone explain the reasoning behind any part of of this sentence.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m sure if you get drunk enough it’ll make perfect sense.

SC276: If you were trying to make a freakin’ Animaniacs reference, author, I’m getting you coal for Christmas.

I took a closer look at him, and saw that he looked just like The Doctor! But Doctor Gem was a unicorn, and his cutiemark was in fact a gem. He had white fur, and a red mane with red eyes.

SC276: The majesties of cut-and-paste background characters.

"Well nice to meet you." I said. Not knowing this wouldn't be the last time I saw him.

SC276: Because Dinky is psychic!

Lyra's home

Lyra's home wasn't much it was two story, with two bedrooms, her, and Bon-Bon share a room. I had the guest room it was small it just had a little bed, and little dresser. It had a teal carpet, and teal walls.

CaptainPipsqueak: “I personally found the room’s feng shui to be inadequate, but that wasn’t my business.”

SC276: I think this is the most description anything in this trilogy has ever got.

I sat down my bags, and plopped down in my new bed pondering what might happen next.

Location Unknown

"Hi audience I'm Midnight Black, and I'm being allowed to speak with you for the author.

CaptainPipsqueak: … *begins hyperventilating*

SC276: Is this guy the reincarnation of Mykan or something?!

Sorry for the delay he hasn't been feeling like writing for awhile, and so this chapter might be short.

CaptainPipsqueak: Please, by all means, feel like not writing again.

But don't worry Dinky's Adventures will be starting soon, and you don't want to miss it.

JofY: Seriously! Put it out of it’s misery now! Aim and shoot! Kill it!!! KILL IT!!!

SC276: I just got Minecraft, let me start laying TNT!

As for Slendermare I "sent" her to the comments section.

SC276: [comments section] “Well we don’t freakin’ want her!” ...Also, if the author’s implying that he’s responding as Slendermale in-character in the comments, I’m going to nuke something.

See you guys later."

The End

Crazy56U: (comes back) Good. So, anyway-

For now.

Crazy56U: Fuck off. So, anyway, now that the story’s over-

Bonus Chapter: Midnight Black

Crazy56U: I said fuck off! (leaves in a huff)

CaptainPipsqueak: Double-penalty! Story annulled!

SC276: The Story That Wouldn’t Die! Coming soon to a Satellite of Love near you!

Back at the castle

Slendermare had just gotten enough strength to heal her body from the wound the little pest of a unicorn had inflicted on her.

SC276: Of course that didn’t kill her.

"Now she's gonna get it."

SC276: I’m gonna get you, Kirby.

Slendermare thought to herself as she vanished into the shadows.

Unknown location

Slendermare had just walked out of the shadows, and was perplexed to see that she was not in the hospital, but instead was in some sort of a cave.

SC276: Is it The Cave?

She looked around before seeing an alicornic bat pony thing looking at her with a grin on his face. "We'll look who decided to drop by. I'll admit I wasn't at my full power back at your castle, but the author pulled some strings, and pumped me up a bit."

JofY: Author… are you giving your characters drugs?

said Midnight

SC276: How exactly is Midnight “alicornic,” whatever the hell that means? Also, is the author admitting that he brought the character back and couldn’t be assed to think of an in-universe reason?

"Let's dance!".

JofY: “I’ve got DDR set up in the back!”

SC276: You think a reporter with no soul could outdance Ulala?!

Slendermare sent a tentacle his way only for it to be deflected by a barrier of some sort. "Yawn. That's all you've got?" he said.

SC276: [Slendermare] “At least my ability pool is set. You’re pulling new shit out of thin air!”

JofY: [OC] “Yeah! But you're evil! That’s why you kill! I only kill for good reasons!”

[Slendermare] “So, should I bring out my tragic backstory now, or later?”

[OC] “...Crap.”

Slendermare was so angry she directly charged the stallion. Midnight looked ready to pounce, but instead he opened his mouth, and let his jaw sink to the ground. Slendermare tried to stop running, but it was to late she slid into his open maw. He chomped down with the sound you'd hear in a cartoon.

JofY: Okay, I have got to nominate this part, as the most stupidest part in this entire god damn fic.

SC276: Nomination seconded. Maybe Pinkie was transmuted into this guy.

He licked his lips before saying "Have fun in the comments."

Crazy56U: (comes back) ...did you. Seriously. Just rip off. THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC?!

Hell, not even the good Nostalgia Critic; the crappy post-”Demo Reel” one! THE FUCK.

The Comments section

Crazy56U: And, on that note- (gets up and leaves)

Slendermare awoke stuck in a frame of some sorts pondering were exactly this place was before seeing a sign that said "Comments? Well crap."

JofY: No, someone messed up the order. It’s the Crap Comments Well.

she said finally beaten.

JofY: Fallen… Are you going to make us riff the comments section?

Bonus Chapter: Slappy Hooves

JofY: *breaths in* END!!! END!!!

SC276: OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING WHORE!! *ding*

Ponyville Hospital

Slappy Hooves was just walking in when a teal unicorn skipped past him with a very depressed looking purplish unicorn in toe. Thinking of a way to cheer her up he did the one thing he was good at he slapped her. Not a hard slap mind you, but a playful one fallowed by a quick punch in the face.

JofY: Are… Are we going to have to pull out the overly gay stereotype here?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m vaguely shocked that we haven’t had to yet.

SC276: What is… There is no point to this character, nor any point to more freakin’ chapters after Dinky’s plot is done!

He looked up and said "What the hay. Just trying to cheer you up." she looked at him quizzically.

SC276: How the fuck would slapping someone cheer someone up in the first place?!

"By slapping me in the face?" she said "you wouldn't happen to be Slappy Hooves would you?" she asked.

"Why yes I would."

SC276: [Dinky] “Huh. I did not think that name would be so goddamn literal.”

"Well your brother is waiting for you room 209." she said.

"Thanks, and sorry for the Slapping thing though." said Slappy they parted ways, and Slappy headed to room 209.

JofY: ...so that entire scene… Heh... was pointless… *starts laughing mad*

Fallen Prime: I looked through the author’s other stories to be completely sure, and yes, THIS is the last of this series. The rest of their work isn’t related to any of what you riffed, and the fact that this last part came out in February of 2014 suggests we’ll never see Celestial Sabre again.

RingmasterJ5: Thank god. Anyway, as I was saying before I was interrupted by an entire third fic, next week brings something special, as Kudzu saw fit to write just about 10K more words of The Catch, just in time for the next multipart slot. It’s going to be great.

JofY: *currently laughing too hard to give an opinion*

CaptainPipsqueak: Something with a bit more zest? Riffing this was a bit like beating up a guy on crutches: easy and fun but you feel kinda bad about it later.

Crazy56U: This is a thing that happened. We should acknowledge that. There is nothing more to say.

JofY: *catches his breath* ...okay, this was hilariously bad. But I’m gonna go part by part. For the first one, we have Rainbow Dash just what I’m going to dub, ‘evil hovering’ where a character doesn’t really do anything, they’re just the villain. Anyways, she faces off the worst detective in Equestria, who pulls leads out of nowhere, and never seems to remember what he’s doing. For part two, we somehow ended up with Saber facing against a who kills things, while in part three they have a villain who kills things… wait… I do have to admit, that the third part is my favorite for just how asinine it is. The reason why I don’t yell in rage at this fic for including Slender when Displaced did it, is because this one actually tried to have Slender… Okay, it was as close to Slender as it got to spell and grammar checking, but at least this one hit the broadside of the 10 mile barn of what Slender is. However, in the end, this is not only crap. But it’s the kind of crap that you see everywhere, and I love that kind of crap the most.

Crazy56U: ...dude, I just said there’s nothing more to say, why.

JofY: ...because I always like to give my full opinion on things.

Crazy56U: Where do you get off being an insightful and verbose person?

JofY: Because, the author might have thought they were making good work. Or at the very least, may have not written their fan fiction at an attempt to punish. And because they may have genuinely been trying, they don’t deserve to completely mocked and ridiculed.

SC276: Also, I’ve already recycled all of the complaints I had out of my brain within two minutes of getting them as a means of safeguarding, so someone has to do it. At least Kudzu has proper sentence structure.

Scarlet: Yeah, but let’s be fair here. As much as I didn’t manage to finish this due to unexpectedly being summoned to the ninth circle of retail hell halfway through, this is… easily one of the best things we’ve ever riffed. The last Rainbow Factory sequel was plodding, terrible, and awkward. At least Celestial Sabre gets to the point in fewer words. We also had three silly action stories that mostly just suffer from the author’s inability to write a half-decent action sequence or properly build tone, mood, or any of the other details needed to immerse the reader. Standard badfic stuff, but like most badfics it’s just forgettable at its worst and charmingly terrible at its best. Not nearly as inherently funny as “A Displaced Monster”, but hey, I’ll give it credit: Nobody’s getting called a nice guy for not raping someone. Oh no, that’s for next week!

Crazy56U: For the record, I was being sarcastic.

RingmasterJ5: Good job everyone, we got zero submissions in the right wordcount range in time for the second sampler.

Fallen Prime: This is my applause face.

RingmasterJ5: We only needed two, since we already had a Mykan one for the “previous author” slot, but we didn’t get anything. So, we’re moving it to… I would say the 22nd of this month, but that’s Christmas week. Should we even run anything then?

Fallen Prime: The following update actually lands ON a holiday. There’ll be plenty of time for people to pop in between Christmas and then, assuming they don’t swarm it at launch.

RingmasterJ5: Okay, then you guys have three more weeks. Find SOMETHING. In the meantime, speaking of Christmas… this thing.

Fallen Prime: I have been told very little other than that it’s a compilation of Hearth’s Warming shorts starring the mane six and their OC boyfriends. And also Nyx, from the looks of the first few paragraphs. Hey Crazy, remember HER?

RingmasterJ5: This is one of those times, like the Fazpony fic, where we’re throwing you all into a spinoff fic of a much longer continuity without any context.

Fallen Prime: Which we also more or less did with “The Catch.” And look what miracles we’ve made with that.

RingmasterJ5: Exactly. Without further ado, “Spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Shorts” by Power Master.

Crazy56U: (pops up) Someone say my name?

CaptainPipsqueak: You’re Power Master? Unclean! UNCLEAN!

Crazy56U: (scoff) I wish. It’s give me something to talk about, at least.

Topher: (falls headfirst from the chimney, in a Santa costume) I don’t know who Nyx is, but I get the feeling that by the end of this, everyone’s getting coal. Except instead of coal, it’s lead. And it’s moving at high speed.

Author's Notes:

It's not gonna be long chapters but short only.

Crazy56U: What, do you hate the concept of “middle-sized”?

CaptainPipsqueak: He’s not of the ‘glass half-full’ school of thought.

Crazy56U: No, it’s “glass half-empty”.

JofY: Personaly, I think that it’s half-full, half-filled with air.

SC276: I’ve been told it’s a bunch of shorts all put in one chapter, so I don’t think it’s either.

Bucephalus: If it was only one chapter, wouldn’t that mean it would be one short chapter that let us go home early?

One simple short for Mane Six's Boyfriends about special Christmas to the former.

Crazy56U: Oh. ...it’s one of those stories…

Captainipsqueak: Eeyup.

Short 1: The Perfect Gift

SC276: The fic’s ending early?

Crazy56U: Corn?

CaptainPipsqueak: A giant container of almond roca?

As the snow rained down from the clouds

Crazy56U: I... I think you just made a meteorologist cry...

Captainpipsqueak: Oh hail no.

above the land, its the city and land were covered in white.

SC276: Oh joy, OCxCanon, and the author couldn’t write a grammatically-correct sentence to save his life. This is gonna be a real treat.

Crazy56U: Apparently the author was dabbling in a bit of the white stuff while writing this…

CaptainPipsqueak: Glue?

DaeCat: So you’re telling me, the land’s land was covered in white? Makes sense to me.

The Hearth's Warming Eve was here,

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Don’t you mean Christmas?

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Christ… mas?’ What is this… ‘Christmas’ you speak of?

Crazy56U: It’s the day Santa Claus gave birth to Jesus Christ, obviously, that’s why

we celebrate with presents and commercialism.

CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you; the image of a man giving birth will keep me cold

tonight.

Crazy56U: You asked for it.

a very special yet meaningful holiday for both Equestria Ponies to enjoy since the formation of Equestria.

SC276: All two of them.

Captainpipsqueak: And even then they’re unsure what to get the other.

Crazy56U: You know, on the topic of Hearth’s Warming, I’ve gotta ask: I know it’s the Christmas analogue, but does it double as the Thanksgiving analogue too? Does

Equestria even have Thanksgiving?

JofY: It was a wonderful time for both two Equestria Ponies,

Scarlet: Equestrian Thanksgiving is generally rolled into all the other holidays that ponies are thankful not to be eaten.

CaptainPipsqueak: They serve cupcakes during this occasion. The irony is lost on nopony.

Bucephalus: Ew.

But it was also for Mystic Ponies to enjoy as well.

Crazy56U: “Mystic Ponies”? ...do you mean “unicorns”?

CaptainPipsqueak: But unicorns are so… common.

Crazy56U: ...no, that would be earth ponies, friend…

Scarlet: My Little Pony: Mystic Force is known to most fans as the downturn of the franchise.

Crazy56U: Huh, I thought it was My Little Pony: Operation Overdrive…

CaptainPipsqueak: No, you’re thinking “My Little Pony Xtreme.”

JofY: Then what happened to My Little Pony: Zexal?

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh, don’t even get me started…

Bucephalus: Oh no. This is like Mykan’s stuff. Run for your lives!

DaeCat: Decoder time: I smell unicorn supremacy.

At Ponyville; Twilight, Spike and Nyx were walking down the street.

Crazy56U: Given the weird ass prose and the shameless cribbing from “Past Sins”, I

wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that Power Master is friends with JusSonic…

CaptainPipsqueak: Ah, crap; it’s a Nyx story… That’s what I get for not reading the

opening.

RingmasterJ5: It wouldn't be an F/F/T3K Holiday Special without copious amounts of regret.

Crazy56U: (pained) Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-laaaa…

CaptainPipsqueak: “So Twilight and Nyx walk into a bar…”

JofY: “They say: Ow.”

Bucephalus: Then every shadow villain ever follows them and sues Nyx. The end.

They looked on both sides as they were searching and looking for something important gift for Shadow Dragon.

Crazy56U: ...I swear to God, if turns out that I’m right…

RingmasterJ5: Oh, hey, turns out you are.

Crazy56U: (pained) O-oh... J-joy... (eyes begin bleeding)

Sigma: Why does Fire Emblem need gifts.

JofY: I’m wondering why they’re looking for a gift to give an entire sub-species.

Scarlet: And I’m wondering which of the Mane Six has standards so low that they’re dating the draconic version of Shadow the Hedgehog.

SC276: I do not have nearly enough evens to deal with this. I mean, I can’t speak completely against OCxCanon without being hypocritical, but does it have to be with someone with such a stupid name?

As they continued walking, they were greeted by Ponyville Citizens.

Crazy56U: And they were armed with pitchforks and torches. Clearly they took

advantage of the Black Friday sales... ...wait, fuck, does Equestria have Black Friday?

CaptainPipsqueak: Black Magic Friday, yes.

Crazy56U: Great, now I’m imaging the Battle of Hogwarts, but done inside a Walmart

over cheap deals.

JofY: “I summon the great TV that is of terrible quality and I’m only buying because it’s 20% off! Slay my enemies! I command it!”

SC276: OK, let’s read that fic instead.

Scarlet: Fools. The true power of Black Friday comes through the human suffering of those who worked it. Actually, it’s a ritual designed to revitalize the powers of dark magic held every year.

SC276: Dammit, now I’m regretting that I stayed at home instead of going to the local Target that day to watch the chaos.

Nyx bounced happily before moving to the front as she asked curiously, "So mommy, what gifts are you going to give to daddy?"

Crazy56U: My guess? A subpoena.

CaptainPipsqueak: A ball-gag and handcuffs.

JofY: A pon- Wait…

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Have I ever told you how ‘divorces’ work, Nyx?”

DaeCat: Weird how Nyx assumes there will be more than one gift to Daddy.

Topher: So does this mean he won’t get mouth present this year?

Twilight hummed softly as she was having some thoughts, "I'm not very sure, but hopefully it's the best."

Crazy56U: Still guessing subpoena…

Scarlet: I’ve taken the liberty of filling one out just in case.

DaeCat: Yes Twilight, make sure ‘it’s’ the best gifts. I knew the multiple gifts remark wasn’t useless.

Topher: Of course! a hummer!

CaptainPipsqueak: The vehicle or a blowjob? Because really, it could be either.

She snickered a bit, "When having a mistletoe above on both of us, he's gonna be surprise and happy for it."

Crazy56U: Surprise? He’s going to become Surprise? Are you ripping off that story

where Pinkie turns out to be Twilight’s imaginary friend?

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I liked that story.

Crazy56U: So do I. Hence me being pissed over the potential plagiarism...

SC276: Is that anything like becoming hope so he can be retconned from existence?

JofY: So, is the gift going to be that Twilight is only going to allow her husband to kiss her once? I guess once you're an alicorn you can make others do whatever you want.

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Only for a bit, mind you. Then the drugs will start to take effect.”

Bucephalus: My new year's resolution is going to be burning every piece of mistletoe in existence.

Topher: Sounds like my kinda holiday!

Spike smirked, "Why do I get the feeling you really want that so much?"

Twilight giggled in amusement, "He is my love. And I love him."

SC276: He’s also repetitive.

Crazy56U: ...still still guessing subpoena…

Bucephalus: Can we just pretend that Twilight’s got Ebola and this is her terrible fever dream?

She sighed, "I still don't know what gifts he'll like."

Crazy56U: (is about to say something) ... ... (decides against it)

CaptainPipsqueak: I think I already covered that for you. You’re welcome.

SC276: He’s your boyfriend you love, and you have no idea what his interests are?

JofY: Do you think he’s interesting enough to have interests?

Bucephalus: Madam, if you need something for your love, may I suggest these pamphlets on poorly written characters?

"Speaking of gifts, where are daddy and Lance? I haven't seen them since this morning," Nyx asked.

RingmasterJ5: Oh fuck, Lance? Please don’t be the one I’m thinking of, please don’t be the one I’m thinking of…

Crazy56U: …”Arrow”-Lance, I take it? ...I mean, I haven seen “Arrow” yet, only the “Flash” spinoff, but...

RingmasterJ5: No, this is ponyfic we’re talking about, I mean the one from *shudder* Living the Dream.

Crazy56U: I… think I know that one… ...did some OC fuck Rainbow in that, and they had a child?

RingmasterJ5: No, Rainbow TRIED to fuck the OC, then murdered him (accidentally) when he rejected her.

Crazy56U: ...well, then.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, the papers called her “The Twenty-Percent Killer.”

Scarlet: I’m just going to hold out hope that Rainbow’s actually dating the Elite 4 member.

SC276: Talk about Bad Dragon...

Twilight hummed in concern, "I don't know. I just hope he doesn't push himself hard to get a good one for me.

Crazy56U: This is now reminding me of “Jingle All the Way”, and I’m kind of scared

about that implication.

Scarlet: Hey, at least we aren’t doing “Eight Crazy Nights”.

Bucephalus: At least Jingle All the Way had ‘put that cookie down.’

Topher: POOT EET DOUN! NAUGH!

Tao did mention whenever something special event happens, Shadow Dragon determined to get it done."

Crazy56U: I barely know who Shadow Dragon is, who the fuck is Tao?! Is it Shadow

Dragon’s imaginary friend or something? Is this actually meant to be a ripoff of

“Petriculture”?!

Scarlet: Taokaka, no! There’s bound to be new Blazblue material at some point, you don’t have to cameo here!

SC276: Especially not the one character from that series I actually kinda know!

Bucephalus: Guys… I’m scared. So many poorly written characters. Help!

"Hopefully not paranoid as you," Spike joked.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(adjusts her tin-foil hat) And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Twilight, Spike and Nyx laughed happily and amusement of what Spike had mention about.

RingmasterJ5: I’ve been trying to parse the last three sentences for nearly five minutes now and I STILL have no fucking clue what they mean.

Crazy56U: It’s fun to laugh at someone’s paranoia.

Scarlet: [Twilight, Spike, Nyx]: “Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

Bucephalus: Screw this. I’m going to go get a True Pacifist ending on Undertale. At least that makes sense.

DaeCat: [Twilight]: “Spike, that was a happy and amusement what you did mention about. Hold on, are we all the cardboard made of? I think we are all the cardboard made of.”

At the Jewelry Shop, Shadow Dragon was looking at the shinny

Crazy56U: ...ew?

Scarlet: Somebody stole my collection of shins! The nerve!

SC276: “You’ve got the Shinning!” “You mean the Shining.” “Shhh! You wanna get sued?”

Bucephalus: What does a skeleton tile his roof with? SHIN-Gles.

Topher: *Skeletal Laughter*

yet various own colorful jewelries. He was looking at them carefully. They were too great and beautiful for him to choose and take for his somepony special.

JofY: And it’d be improper to say her name even in narration.

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, he’s flat fucking broke.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or just doesn’t like her very much but is afraid to tell her.

DaeCat: So he just bought all of them. Good thing he’s a dragon.

Giving some irritated looks, he groaned in annoyance before slamming his head on the glass case.

Scarlet: [Shadow Dragon] “No, I can’t possibly pick one of these for my special somepony! They’re all far too nice for her!”

Crazy56U: And then the case smashed. Unfortunately, Shadow couldn’t take advantage of the situation and steal some jewelry… because he knocked himself out with that stunt.

"Hey buddy," Jewelry Shopkeeper exclaimed, "watch the glass. Or you'll be paying for that too."

RingmasterJ5: This story is slightly better if you imagine “Jewelry Shopkeeper” and “Ponyville Citizens” as single ponies with really unfortunate, specific names.

Crazy56U: Well, given that this is a world where “Shadow Dragon” and “Tao” are accepted names...

SC276: I’d like to hear Jewelry Shopkeeper’s backstory before the rest of this fic. Also, if this turns into Gift of the Magi, someone’s getting shanked.

Shadow Dragon sighed in annoyance before bowed in apologize to the shopkeeper.

Crazy56U: (SMASH!) Huh, I was joking that he’d do that...

Lance approached to his father from behind before patted on his back.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Approached to?”

Scarlet: “Bowed in apologise” as well, apparently.

Crazy56U: [Lance] “That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.”

SC276: British?

CaptainPipsqueak: The pig or Scarlet?

Bucephalus: Lance approached? He must be here to show off his dragon types!

"Dad, just choose," Lance begged, "Twilight likes anything.

JofY: It’s just a material representation of how much you truly care for her.

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) What a whore! (ding!)

Bucephalus: Now, for every OOC moment. (Counts) 13473246 Extra sins. Amazing.

And by the way, why don't you just give the necklace you made five days ago for her? She loves it, like what my real mom likes it."

Scarlet: Twilight likes anything. Dead rats, river mud, bedspreads with King Sombra’s face on them- she isn’t picky.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “But I made that out of macaroni and my own tears!”

SC276: He cries you a sweater of tears...

Shadow Dragon sighed in defeat before looking at Lance, "That's different, Lance. Your mom don't mind of my necklace-made, but Twilight is different.

RingmasterJ5: ...is this story even English anymore?

JofY: She demands a 2 year salary gift!

Crazy56U: I’m... I’m pretty sure the author was drunk while writing this…

CaptainPipsqueak: You’re just grasping at straws; you know that, right?

SC276: So wait, he doesn’t mean his homemade necklaces are good enough for her? And what’s this about real mom? Is this guy a father with someone else and if that’s the case, why is he dating not her? At least Fazpony had just the one OC!

Bucephalus: Wait.. If Lance’s mother is still alive, his father is Shadow Dragon, and Shadow Dragon is dating Twilight and still gives gifts to Lance’s mother… Either Polygamy is legal in Equestria, or Shadow Dragon is cheating.

CaptainPipsqueak: the answer is, of course, ‘Yes.’ Just ‘Yes’.”

I have to be sure of getting a good one - no - great one too."

Scarlet: Contacting the Great Ones is notoriously difficult from the inside of jewelry stores, but I suppose it would explain why you needed “shinny” pieces.

CatainPipsqueak: Here’s hoping he summons one of the ones that make you go insane just by looking at them. Granted, that’s most of them, but still...

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “Even if it means selling my bone marrow to be able to afford it, God damn it.”

As he turned to his right, Shadow Dragon gasped in shock and surprise.

JofY: He could turn to his right! He never knew he could do that!

CaptainPipsqueak: If he learns he can do that to the left, too, that’s gonna fuck his shit up.

SC276: What is this, Bunny Must Die!?

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “Oh, shit! THE COPS!”

He looked at the beautiful yet sparkling lavender star necklace. Shadow Dragon pointed at the necklace. The Jewelry Shopkeeper took it out and gave Shadow Dragon and his son to look at it.

Scarlet: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “Do you like it? It’s a hundred percent paste!”

Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “It’s 100% plastic!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Split the difference: pasteic.

Crazy56U: I’m more partial to plaste.

"So what do you think of it? It's wonderful and beautiful," Jewelry Shopkeeper smiled gleefully.

Shadow Dragon smiled, "It's perfect. This match Twilight's Cutie Mark."

CaptainPipsqueak: No, Twilight’s ‘mark is a group of stars. Firebug’s mark is a match.

Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “O-oh, th-that’s a shock… T-totally not deliberate or a-anythin- SHUT UP!”

JofY: What? You think this doesn’t happen often? Look how much jewelry there is of the President.

"Hmm humph..." Lance nodded his head while looking at the necklace in both unpleasant and frown,

CaptainPipsqueak: God, it’s like watching the birth of a unique lifeform, isn’t it?

Scarlet: Will I have to fight it before the end of the story? Should I prep the Mobile Fortress?

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; Goku’ll just come along and Spirit Bomb it like he does every bad guy he fights. Spammer.

Crazy56U: It comes in Unpleasant and Frown?! Oh boy, such variety!!!

Bucephalus: It lives! It Lives! Ahahahahahahahaha!

"Yeah, it's cool. But don't you think that you're... over exaggerating about the 'gifts' for mom?"

"Exaggerating?! Excuse me! I'm not!"

Crazy56U: I kind-of agree… You’re more underexaggerating than anything else…

SC276: That would require anyone to figure out what’s going on in the first place.

Shadow Dragon sighed in annoyance. He turned to the shopkeeper and said, "I'll take it."

Scarlet: He then beheaded the shopkeeper with a single blow, lifting the necklace high in triumph.

Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “‘Kay! (bludgeons Shadow Dragon to death with the necklace)”

Bucephalus: Plot twist. It’s from that one shop in Harry Potter. Shadow Dragon was suddenly slain by Dark Magic.

Jewelry Shopkeeper smiled, "Sold!"

Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “That’ll be $2,000,000!”

As both Shadow Dragon and Lance left the Jewelry Shop, they walked and headed off back to their home. Shadow Dragon took the Sparkling Star Necklace out while looking at it with his proud and glee smile. Lance gave the annoying looks.

Scarlet: A proud and glee smile? Yeah, I’d make sure to give someone my set of annoying looks too if they walked out with one of those. Smug bastard.

Crazy56U: Happiness is so annoying, am I right?

CaptainPipsqueak: Only if other people are feeling it.

"Your mother is gonna love it. I'm gonna make sure of it," Shadow Dragon said proudly.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, she’ll love it even if I have to kill her.

Crazy56U: Ooh boy, is he in for a disappointment...

Lance sighed, "Yeah sure, dad; why not? After all, she's the princess while you're the warrior. Your duty has to make sure that you get the right present for your princess..."

Scarlet: Actually, I believe that means his duty is to die horribly in combat for Twilight’s sake. I’m willing to assist!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a baseball bat) Same.

CaptainPipsqueak: Are chainsaws allowed, or is that considered unfair? Because I

have an axe if you’d rather that.

SC276: *pulls out a giant red button* This one’s more generic than most because this guy doesn’t have much of a personality to start with, but it’s going to be wicked.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ah; an element of randomness. I like.

Shadow Dragon turned and glared at Lance, "I don't really appreciate your sarcasm about what I'm doing."

CaptainPipsqueak: But we sure do!

Crazy56U: Dude, just accept the fact that your son low-key hates you.

"Come on, dad. You're overreacting and exaggerating over a 'perfect' gift for mom. She likes anything. After all, she's my real mom's reincarnation. She's no different."

Scarlet: Huh. I did not know that an internet document could make a record scratch noise, but I think mine just did.

JofY: Okay, that’s too OC. You have to remove another or you’ll be overbalance.

Crazy56U: ...we’re still talking about Twilight Sparkle, right?

SC276: OK, things have just gone straight on into what-the-hell-ville.

"Like you know anything about-!"

BUMP!

CaptainPipsqueak: Everybody bump!

Crazy56U: (eyes begin bleeding in fear)

Scarlet: The moderators closed the thread a few minutes later for necroposting.

JofY: My soul died long ago.

Bucephalus: I sold mine to Chara.

Shadow Dragon and Lance got pushed back hard.

Crazy56U: It was a cop coming to arrest them for pirating music… I think, you can’t

really understand him...

As they recovered, Shadow Dragon noticed something missing on his hoof. The Sparkling Star Necklace was missing.

Scarlet: Aside from the thing missing on his hoof, I mean.

JofY: Twilight’s guard everybody! Easily stolen from.

Crazy56U: And that’s what you get for whipping it out in public, Shadow Dragon. ...wait…

Bucephalus: As was the rest of his hoof.

"Where's the necklace," Shadow Dragon asked in shock and worry.

SC276: Yep, commas communicate shock and worry perfectly.

Crazy56U: As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked, as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension, suddenly, there was no necklace! There was no jewelry, no shinny, no thing called "Sparkling Star" to be held. There was nothing in the street but the puzzled ponies of courage, who suddenly found themselves alone with shadows and snow! With the empty hoof, one cloud lifts, and another descends. The Sparkling Star Necklace, rescued, alive, well, and of normal size, some eight thousand inches away in the jewelry store, with no memory of where it has been, or how it was separated from its glass case! Then who, or what, has landed here? Is it here yet? Or has the cosmic switch been pulled? Case in point: The line between science fiction and science fact is microscopically thin! You have witnessed the line being shaved even thinner! But is the menace with us? Or is the necklace gone?

SC276: ...what? Did we wind up in Braid or something?

Crazy56U: Context.

Lance shrugged before turned to his back.

Crazy56U: Oh, then I guess I quoted the ending “speech” from “Monster a Go-Go” for no reason then, oh well!

He spotted a bluish Earth Pony with black spiky mane and short tail who was holding the stolen necklace while running away.

Scarlet: I’m starting to like Lance. He was totally ready to just walk out and end the story right there if it weren’t for the fact that the plot literally shoved itself in his face.

SC276: Did they not see who they bumped into or something, if it was strong enough to knock them back?

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “Off to the pawn shop!!!”

Bucephalus: So… Lance is literally just us in literary form?

CaptainPipsqueak: So that’s where the suicidal thoughts were coming from!

Lance gasped, "There! He has it, dad!"

Shadow Dragon turned and groaned in annoyance, "No one's gonna steal the 'perfect' gift from me!"

SC276: I love how “perfect” is in quotes- er, apostrophes like that because it’s more like a title than any actual indication of perfection.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “I’m gonna fucking kill him…”

"Here we go again," Lance said in annoyance.

Scarlet: Fortunately, Lance had a recording of the Benny Hill theme saved for just such an occasion.

CaptainPipsqueak: Everyone should. You’d be amazed how much more fun doing your taxes is.

SC276: I’ll remember to put it on for next riff.

Crazy56U: Why wait?

Shadow Dragon and Lance galloped and charged straight at the Earth Pony who kept on running away from them both. The Earth Pony jumped on the three tops of crates to the building's top.

Scarlet: “One jump ahead of the bread line/One swing ahead of the sword/I only steal what I can’t afford (and that’s everything!)”~

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “PARKOUR!”

They both got up at once while continued charging and chasing after him. While running away from them, he dodged the obstacles that stand his ways while jumped over the gap between two buildings.

Scarlet: Huh. Apparently I wasn’t far off. I hereby name this thief “Street Rat”.

SC276: What about “Riff Raff” and “Scoundrel”?

Crazy56U: Riff Raff? Street Rat? I don’t buy that… Scoundrel, on the other hand...

For the long moment had passed in chasing on the thief, Shadow Dragon and Lance cornered the Earth Pony to the end of building's edge. They both breathed heavily while glaring at him. He was in shock and worry.

Scarlet: It’s adjacent to the town of Cahoots.

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “Holy crap, you mean this chase scene was pointless?!”

"Now... Be a good criminal," Shadow Dragon breathed heavily, "give me back that necklace!"

CaptainPipsqueak: “Or be an even better criminal and escape from me!”

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “That… is the literal opposite of what a ‘good criminal’ should

do…”

Lance nodded his head, "Trust me, pal. My dad is not a very easy guy."

CaptainPipsqueak: No, his dad is complex. Like a puzzle with infinite pieces.

Scarlet: A man of wheels within wheels, you might say.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or a Sudoku with a unique number placement.

JofY: Not a simple mind in the slightest.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, your father got robbed, and you still low-key hate him...

Earth Pony gulped in worry, "Wish I could say 'Sorry' but no thanks!"

Scarlet: My joke name was better.

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “The word ‘Sorry’ is a myth, you sheep! WAKE UP!”

Earth Pony Thief took the pie out and thrown right at Shadow Dragon's face.

JofY: Took the pie out of where? The alley way?

Crazy56U: I wanna say his ass, but I don’t like that implication.

SC276: Yeah, sure, a thief that bumps into people to steal necklaces carries a pie on him for throwing at people. Who is this, Pinkie Pie?

CaptainPipsqueak: Maybe… maybe the thief threw Pinkie Pie?

Bucephalus: I’m just going to assume that Shadow Dragon got pranked, and the necklace was actually a pie.

Lance charged in to punch at the thief, but got swiped and kicked to the ground.

Scarlet: Street Rat grew up his whole life fighting for each meal! You ponies who have never known hardship are no match for his swipe-kick-pie combo!

Crazy56U: How did you fuck that up?

The Earth Pony quickly ran off at once.

Crazy56U: What the fuck is it with blue-tinted beings and their need to gotta go fast?

Lance grunted in annoyance while getting up. He turned and looked at the angry Shadow Dragon who wiped and cleaned the pie off.

"Okay... No mister nice guy! After him!" Shadow Dragon cried in anger.

Scarlet: “Stop, Thief!/Vandal!/Outrage!/Scandal!~”

SC276: Let’s not be too hasty…

Crazy56U: (deep sigh)

Lance sighed in annoyance, "I wonder if Spike and Nyx had the same problem with Twilight before..."

Scarlet: Nah, Twilight’s generally too busy solving actual problems. See? She’s fighting a bugbear coming in the other direction!

JofY: You mean, has Spike and Nyx had trouble with Twilight stealing her gifts?

Crazy56U: Did Lance seriously fucking forget what was going on, that has no bearing

on the given situation!

Bucephalus: I now have an image of Superman looking at Metropolis, and going, ‘well, at least I didn’t do it as poorly as Batman.’

For couple minutes had passed, Shadow Dragon and Lance continued chasing after the Earth Pony thief to the alley.

SC276: How the hell do you keep a chase up for more than one minute that doesn’t involve motor vehicles?

CaptainPipsqueak: Horses can keep up a gallop for a good while. Just sayin’.

Crazy56U: Horses are able to do ridiculous things, friend. Look at “Back to the Future: Part III”! Six horses from 1885 were completely willing to drag the DeLorean for up to 20 MPH, despite not knowing what the fuck it was!

As three of them looked tired, both of them jumped and slammed him to the ground hard while the necklace fell off from his hoof.

Scarlet: They both jumped on him. All three of them. Well, apparently either Shadow Dragon or Lance is actually a combining robot, capable of separating into component parts.

Crazy56U: My money is on the chase somehow caused time travel to happen and they bumped into their past selves...

Shadow Dragon grabbed and held Earth Pony Thief's neck tight, "I won't ask again. Give me back that jewelry now!"

Scarlet: Hey, he’s gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat!

SC276: He’ll tell you all about it when he’s got the time.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “Does Shadow Dragon have to choke a bitch?!”

"Daddy?" The little cute filly's voice called.

JofY: What a shock. An alleyway non-rapist has a small child to take care of. Tis the season for cliches.

CaptainPipsqueak: And why can’t it be an ugly filly? You never hear about ugly fillies and that’s unfair.

Crazy56U: My money is on this being a father-daughter team...

Three ponies stopped from what they were doing. They looked up and spotted a yellowish Unicorn with brown short mane and tail. Dr. Cabelleron and his three goones holding her. She looked worry, "Are you alright? Did they hurt you?"

Scarlet: Is this a character I should know about, or should I just assume that the author is using stuff from their personal canon?

JofY: I’m wondering where all these other ponies came in from. I mean, at least four different ponies entered in one character description.

Crazy56U: This… doesn’t exactly disprove my theory… If anything, it makes me think the daughter also befriended a gang…

Bucephalus: Cabelleron? Wasn’t he up with Daring Do? What’s he doing in a dark alley with a cute little filly… *Vomits*

As both Shadow Dragon and Lance got off from the Earth Pony, the latter quickly got up at once while looking at her, "No. Jewel. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Don't worry. Daddy is here to get you out of here."

Scarlet: Huh. Apparently Street Rat’s kid really is a diamond in the rough.

SC276: So wait. This guy was blackmailed by the mad doctor into stealing Twilight’s Christmas present? Am I reading that right? The fuck?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m actually kinda worried that you were able to follow the story well enough to reach that conclusion.

Crazy56U: Or Dr. Canada (because fuck the actual name) is actually a loan shark...

Both Shadow Dragon and Lance were in shock and surprise of it. They looked at it as they were waiting for something happen.

"Did you get what worth my while, Clutter?" Dr. Cabelleron demanded calmly.

Scarlet: I liked my name better.

Crazy56U: Is… is this going to turn into porn?

Clutter held the Sparkling Star Necklace while giving it to Dr. Cabelleron, "Here. That's all I had. It should cover the payment I owe from you. Please! Let her go! I held my bargain!"

Scarlet: [Clutter] “It’s right here, in my saddlebags! I had my lawyer triple check the wording!”

SC276: OK, so it’s just the evil mortgage-foreclosurer deal.

Crazy56U: So… he is a loan shark!

Dr. Cabelleron looked at it closely before huffed in annoyance, "Nope. I'm afraid it's not good enough. It appears... you had fail, my little friend. Finish her."

Scarlet: Ah, yes, disposing of your hostage while there are two witnesses and in a scenario where you’re likely to create an angry pony hell bent on revenge with nothing left to lose. Classic villain strategy.

JofY: And if that fails he can always just burn down the village killing everyone except the only one that can stop him.

SC276: This whole fic has fail.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Mortal Kombat. ...well, I’m fucked; the only fighting game series I’ve played extensively is Super Smash Bros., so…

CaptainPipsqueak: “Welcome to die.”

Three goons smiled with pleasure. The blackish muscular pony held Jewel as he prepared to attack.

Scarlet: His coat was only sort of black, more of a tinted dark gray, we’re really not sure.

CatainPipsqueak: As long as there was no sign of red I’m okay with this.

Crazy56U: Because, as we all know, if you’re a goon, you don’t deserve to have a name.

Bucephalus: Goon Requirements: 1. Likes killing things. 2. IQ lower than a snail. 3. Having no name.

Lance came before him as he punched the latter's face hard. Lance grabbed Jewel on his back. The shaded white pony was about to attack Lance. Shadow Dragon kicked the thug off. A blackish fedora hatted brown pony was about to punch but got punched by both Shadow Dragon and Lance.

Scarlet: And thus ends the story of Nice Guy, only in this fic for a minute and a half.

JofY: You sure? I mean, at least one of those ponies had to have time powers with how many times the tense changed.

SC276: They saw Jane run.

CaptainPipsqueak: Lucky bitch. Run, Jane, run.

Crazy56U: What a tense and suspenseful fight, Author; drunken parking lot brawls

have better choreography...

With three thugs defeated, both Shadow Dragon and Lance backed off to the back.

CaptainPipsqueak: They tried fronting off, once; the less said the better.

Crazy56U: To the back, to the back. To the back, to the back. Everything you own to

the box in the back.

Lance gave Jewel to Clutter. He and his father turned and glared at Dr. Cabelleron.

Scarlet: And to make matters worse, that’s when Dr. Cabelleron got a telegram from Bad Horse informing him that his membership in the Evil League of Evil had been revoked.

Crazy56U: Why didn’t Dr. Canada not take part in the fight? Did he think he was too good for it?!

"Who are you?! How dare you interrupt my work?!" Dr. Cabelleron demanded angrily.

Scarlet: Just an OC love interest who happened to be passing by. Remember that!

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, so many OCs have popped out of nowhere I’m being forced to take notes…

JofY: There will be a test on it.

Crazy56U: Yes, your work of… holding children hostage...

Bucephalus: Alright Cap, what is the name of our protagonist? A) Bill Clinton, B) Shadow Dragon, C) Who-Gives-A-Crap, or D) Why are you still reading?

Shadow Dragon narrowed his angry eyes at Dr. Cabelleron, "I'm Shadow Dragon. And I believe you had something that doesn't belong to you..."

Scarlet: Well, now we know who’s been borrowing Mr. Potato Head’s angry eyes.

SC276: And replaced them with shoes, apparently.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “My heart…”

Dr. Cabelleron yelped in shock of what he had heard. Lance pointed at the former's right hoof as Dr. Cabelleron looked at hi.

Crazy56U: Hi. (waves)

He yelped in fear as he found and realized something.

Scarlet: [Dr. Cabelleron] “I left the oven on! My Hearth’s Warming meal has burned to a crisp!”

SC276: [Dr. Cabelleron] “I’m trapped in a terrible fanfic!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Dr. Cabelloron] “I’m naked!” … “Oh, wait.”

Crazy56U: [Dr. Canada] “Oh fuck, I don’t know how to fight!”

JofY: [Dr. Cabelleron] “I’m not an actual doctor, I’m a nurse!”

"Oh, pony-feathers," Dr. Cabelleron exclaimed in shock before dropped the necklace down while he frantically explain, "

JofY: “I have a condition that rapidly changes my emotions you bastard! My life is meaningless…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Sort of like manic depression but way funnier.

Crazy56U: And then the necklace shattered into a billion pieces. This led to Shadow

Dragon murdering him. THE END.

Please wait! You had it wrong! Honest! I'm not the one who stole it! It was my thug! He-!"

Scarlet: Meanwhile, Clutter and Jewel grabbed the necklace and escaped in the confusion to start a new life somewhere.

Crazy56U: ...yes, it was one of your thugs. Thanks for restating established information.

CaptaianPipsqueak: “I didn’t steal it; somepony else stole it for me! I’m the victim here!”

"Quiet!" Shadow Dragon demanded angrily. Dr. Cabelleron was silenced for the moment.

JofY: Then, he brought out the trombone.

CaptainPipsqueak: *BWOMP*

Crazy56U: Hello darkness, my old friend...

He continued, "Stealing the jewel is one thing, but kidnapping the child is unforgivable. If I ever see you tried to held hostage, I'll be coming for you!"

Scarlet: Yeah! If you ever try to be held hostage, you won’t escape the wrath of Shadow Dragon!

Dr. Cabelleron yelped in shock, "Yes, sir! It won't happen!"

SC276: I should hope not, otherwise we’ll probably have to riff it.

Crazy56U: He went out to hold more hostage 10 minutes later...

Dr. Cabelleron quickly turned and left the area at once. His thugs recovered from the attack and left the area at once.

SC276: They couldn’t just puff into nonexistence like RPG enemies, so they had to improvise.

Crazy56U: And then Crazy56U got up and left the area at once. (gets up and leaves)

As soon as their enemy left, Shadow Dragon and Lance turned and glance at both Clutter and Jewel who were hugging each other happily and passionately. Chatter and Jewel turned and looked at the former.

Scarlet: Clutter had left to pursue his calling in the next Broadway production of Aladdin.

Crazy56U: (comes back) No, Clutter was his code name. Think “Slice of Life”, but dumb.

"Thank you. Thank you so much," Clutter said happily before taking the necklace up and gave it to Shadow Dragon, "And I'm sorry of what I just did. Here take it."

Before Shadow Dragon could take it, he asked, "Were you poor? Is that why Dr. Cabelleron took advantage of you?"

Scarlet: [Clutter] “Apparently he realized I’m much better at getting shiny things than his thugs!”

Crazy56U: Phrasing.

Clutter nodded his head, "Yes... It's true. I want to make something special for her. But I'm out of woods to make it.

SC276: What is this, Chipper & Sons Lumber Co.?

Crazy56U: Wait, are we in the forest now? I thought they were in an alley...

Besides, making something is enough for my loved one to get as long she's happy," He sighed in shame, "Somehow I really wish I could have it right now..."

Scarlet: Hmmm, good effort, Clutter. Roll a charisma check!

Crazy56U: [Clutter] “Sure wish I had a necklace to give my child… (cough cough)”

Heard of what Clutter had said, Shadow Dragon had some thoughts.

CaptainPipsqueak: Rare is the OC that can have more than one at a time.

He smiled as he took it and hung over Jewel's neck. Clutter looked shock and surprise of what he saw.

Scarlet: Success!

Crazy56U: Oh, come on Clutter, you deliberately did that and you knew that.

"I believe you already did," Shadow Dragon said calmly. Clutter looked dumbfounded by Shadow Dragon giving the gift to his daughter. Looking at Jewel, he continued, "This jewel means something, Jewel.

JofY: What? No… It doesn’t. You literally just bought it from a shop. It could have been a bar of gold, and it would still have the same amount of maguffinness.

Crazy56U: (deader-than-deadpan) Oh. I get it. That is a funny. Ha. Ha. Ha.

I want you treasured it well. This belong to your father. He worked so hard to save you.

JofY: Stealing one item = Hard work

Crazy56U: Hey now, he also had to run for a long ass time and try and avoid getting

beaten to death...

Think you can handle it?"

SC276: I can’t.

Crazy56U: I think what you really mean is “Can you dig it?”, pal...

Jewel giggled happily, "No problem."

Scarlet: [Jewel] “I’m taking this straight to our fence. We’re going to eat for days on this!”

Crazy56U: [Jewel] “I’m gonna pawn it later!”

Shadow Dragon smiled as he patted on her head gently. He stood up as he turned and looked at Clutter.

Clutter was still dumbfounded and shocked. Shadow Dragon spoke, "Let's say... You convinced me about something very important than just a jewel.

JofY: People Ponies can have reasons for doing things.

Crazy56U: ...is it love?

Making one is what counts to make someone happy.

JofY: Making a jewel is what makes someone happy? So, we should all should become jewelers? We need to name more children jewel? No, seriously. What?

Crazy56U: Called it.

Promise me that you get a good job than working with someone like Dr. Cabelleron."

Scarlet: Yeah, don’t you dare collaborate with someone who’s kidnapped your daughter ever again!

Crazy56U: Or anyone whose name is stupid.

Clutter nodded his head, "I understand. Thank you. I won't let you down."

SC276: [Clutter] “I will totally fail you now.”

Crazy56U: He will never interact with anypony, aside from his daughter, ever again.

"Good," Shadow Dragon said before patted on Clutter's back gently, "Now go and enjoy your Hearth's Warming Eve with your daughter."

Crazy56U: Uh, wait, do they even have a place to live, or are they also homeless?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes.

With a nod, Clutter smiled. He turned and held his daughter in his back before headed off. Shadow Dragon smiled in relief and happy in seeing both Clutter and Jewel being together.

Scarlet: Relief and happy? That’s almost too much emotion!

SC276: Isn’t this supposed to be about the Mane 6 and their boyfriends? Can you at least give me characters I’ll freakin’ recognize?

Crazy56U: Maybe it’s actually for the best the Mane 6 haven’t appeared that much in this, given the riveting characterization we’ve gotten so far...

Lance whistled happily, "That's impressive of you, dad. I thought you would be greedy about keeping it for mom."

JofY: Like none of the previous scenes that included a moment where he was gready.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, dude, what did Shadow Dragon ever do to you? It’s Christmas time! Stop low-key hating your dad!

Shadow Dragon snorted a bit, "Let's say you were right from the beginning. Your mother taught you well. I just hope Twilight likes it."

Scarlet: She won’t, but it’s Hearth’s Warming so she’ll at least make an effort not to embarrass you in front of the kid.

Crazy56U: No, I think she’d prefer an actual present...

"She will. I promise you that," Lance said calmly.

Shadow Dragon nodded his head as he and Lance left the alley at once.

At the Friendship Rainbow Kingdom,

SC276: are you fucking kidding me

Crazy56U: ...so, the Crystal Death Place then?

the Sparkle Family had been gathered at the fireplace.

Scarlet: Anyone else feel like we’re missing like twenty chapters or so?

SC276: With ya there, brother.

Crazy56U: They took those pages and used them for kindling, obviously.

Lance was telling his story about his adventures to both Nyx and Spike who were impressed and amazed. Dragoking was outside sleeping in his large kennel since he was going to have a long hibernation before the spring.

Scarlet: Make that thirty?

SC276: I hate starting in the middle. At least with the Fazpony one, it was a crossover with a thing I freakin’ understood.

Crazy56U: ...theory: Draoking is actually Nyx’s pet turtle.

Shadow Dragon was talking with Twilight Sparkle. They both were neared to the fireplace.

Captain Pipsqueak: ...by a strange alien force...

Crazy56U: Fire turns them on.

As Shadow Dragon hung a circled shaped with a Lavender Star Shaped with Sakura Flower Symbol necklace around her neck,

SC276: Ya sure you got enough capital letters there, bubbah?

Crazy56U: I’m more interested in “circled shaped”...

he spoke, "That's how it happen, Twilight. I'm sorry I couldn't get a good one."

Scarlet: One, leave the pointless anime references to me. Two, if we’re going to reference cherry blossoms at least let me have my fun!

JofY: [Twilight] “Well, it’s not like you payed too much on it.”

[Shadow] “Uhh…”

Crazy56U: Please, based on name alone, this necklace is better than the last one.

Twilight sighed before nuzzling on his head gently, "Oh stop it.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “God, Lance is right, you’re fucking worthless…”

Besides, I don't need something special." She then looked at her necklace, "But what mattes the most is a gift you had for me. It's a perfect one."

Scarlet: [Twilight] “-out of ten, but hey, you tried.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “...I wish it was cash, but, eh…”

"Thank you, Twilight."

"I have something for you."

CaptainPipsqueak: (Twilight) “Oh shit; I left the bullets at home.”

Crazy56U: (crosses fingers) Subpoena, subpoena, subpoena...

Twilight passed a box.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeesh. And I though passing a kidney-stone was tough...

Crazy56U: (continues crossing fingers) Subpoena-in-a-box, subpoena-in-a-box,

subpoena-in-a-box...

As Shadow Dragon opened it, he gasped in surprise as he looked at the golden dragon crest.

Scarlet: [Shadow Dragon] “It’s made of real paper mache!”

Crazy56U: DAMN IT, it’s an actual gift...

"Is that... Golden Dragon Symbol?" Shadow Dragon asked in shock and surprise.

JofY: Guys! Guys! It’s a design! Wow! Wow! Holy- I mean, I can’t believe it’s a design!

CaptainPisqueak: And made out of paper mache, too!

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “This is even better than that Golden Mario Amiibo I

wanted!”

Twilight nodded her head. He chuckled a bit, "But how? I remember that very day when Mystic Realm was attacked, it was destroyed.

Crazy56U: Good for you, I don’t.

That last one was given by my father for my birthday. How did you know?"

Scarlet: Yeah we skipped about forty chapters. Are you sure that this guy’s works don’t count as ‘ongoing’ for our remaining slot, because I’d love to see the rest of them!

SC276: I wouldn’t.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(shrug) I guessed.”

Twilight smiled in impress as her horn glowed.

JofY: Ewww… Put that away, put that away.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God; I think I’m having a seizure...

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “You talk too much. (ZAAAAAAAAAP!)”

THE END

The mistletoe levitated above both her and Shadow Dragon, "Let's say... I have someone to thank for."

Shadow Dragon smiled back as well, "Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Princess."

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Thanks, meatshield.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “That’s not my name, dipshit. (ZAAAAAAAAAP!)”

THE END

"And to you as well, my Warrior," Twilight smiled.

Both Shadow Dragon and Twilight Sparkle kissed on each other's lips gently yet passionately for a long moment.

Scarlet: The longest three seconds of all time.

SC276: Whoever’s using the time magic, stop it!

Crazy56U: Calling back to my Smash Bros. comment, I think the Author is using a Timer right now...

"This is... a perfect gift..." Twilight Sparkle and Shadow Dragon thought happily.

Scarlet: Of all who give gifts, they were the wisest. Of all who receive gifts, they are the wisest. They are the magi.

SC276: Well not these guys in particular, but some other ones in a fic with proper sentences.

Crazy56U: No, neither of them are a perfect gift. Now, a Wii U, now that’s something...

The End...

Crazy56U: Doubtful, here’s more shorts...

Main Casts:

Matt Lanter: Shadow Dragon

Crazy56U: Well, no wonder Lance low-key hated his father. His dad was CLONE WARS ANAKIN SKYWALKER?!

Tara Strong: Twilight Sparkle

Jesse McCartney: Lance Justicestrike

Crazy56U: Oh, and Lance was also a CGI chipmunk. Cooooool.

Deveigh Chase: Nyx

Crazy56U: Lilo from “Lilo and Stitch”? ...eh, I can see her voicing Nyx, actually...

Cathy Waseluck: Spike

Richard Ian Cox: Jewelry Shopkeeper, Clutter

Crazy56U: Huh, and to think that Snails was his better character...

Michael Dobson: Dr. Cabelleron

Crazy56U: Huh, and to think that Bulk Biceps was his better character...

Rebecca Shoichet: Jewel

Crazy56U: Annnd rounding out the fake cast list… is Sunset Shimmer. ...okay....

SC276: A freakin’ cast list, are you kidding me.

Scarlet: “Greg Cipes: Lightning Dawn.”

JofY: “Me: Not Caring.”

CaptainPipsqeak: And featuring James Earl Jones as the voice of Mufasa.

Preview:

CaptainPipsqueak: So we know exactly how much shit we’ll be getting in...

SC276: Oh wait, these are different chapters? OK, I’ve stopped caring.

Crazy56U: Oh, come on Author, there was no Preview character in this! Also, you forgot to add an actor to “voice” them!

Apple Treats: Want to make a special treat for Applejack, Caramel determined to do it. With both Apple Bloom and Big Mac to distract Applejack while Granny Smith helped Caramel, can the special treat be done for tonight?

Scarlet: All signs point to ‘bad idea’.

Crazy56U: The treat is meth, isn’t it?

Suggest and Review...

SC276: I suggest you stop now before you really get yourself hurt.

Crazy56U: No, thanks.

To Cat Stat Ave, sorry for that mess.

Crazy56U: (violent laughter)

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah; gonna need someone to point out where the mess was specifically....

I kinda put the wrong documents. But it's already fix. Chapter 1 is confirmed to be for MLP.

RingmasterJ5: For context, when this fic was originally uploaded the author had a Transformers fic in its place by mistake because that’s apparently a thing you can just do on FFNet and no one really gives a shit.

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s FFNet. Not giving a shit is the standard.

SC276: Picked the wrong document upload, huh? This is why you have to be careful with this shit.

Crazy56U: (laughter increases)

So enjoy the reading of this story.

JofY: No thank you.

Crazy56U: I doubt it.

CaptainPipsqueak: I can just imagine how much fun it would be if this sap spoke in the same way he typed.

Short 2: Apple Treats

During the Hearth's Warming Eve; Applejack, Big Mac and Apple Bloom were busy in selling their apples to the customers and citizens of Ponyville for special treats and dinner tonight. They determined to get it down as soon as possible for tonight's dinner.

Scarlet: Big demand for apples during Hearth’s Warming, don’tcha know. Baked apple goods? Who needs ‘em?

Crazy56U: As we all know, winter is the best time for apple harvests!

CaptainPipsqueak: They come out extra crunchy!

As the Apple Siblings finished selling their apples to the customers, they took a break for the moment.

Applejack took a long sip of her apple cider. She sighed in relief, "That was a relief. Selling apple business is sure busy."

Scarlet: Yeah, selling your business can be taxing. Don’t worry, I’m sure Flim and Flam will do absolutely nothing horrible with it!

SC276: Season 5 finale has aired, by the way; they do horrible with it.

Crazy56U: Hey, at least they didn’t turn the world into a wasteland like… whoever was the cause of the last Bad Future...

Big Mac nodded his head, "Eeyup."

"Yeah, so what's next after we sell the apples," Apple Bloom asked curiously.

Scarlet: Having never experienced Hearth’s Warming before, apparently.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Apple Bloom, that was a stupid question.”

"We go home," Applejack answered calmly before wiping her sweats off from her forehead.

Scarlet: Her yoga pants were left in place.

SC276: [Applejack] “Notice I said that in a manner that suggests it was freakin’ obvious.”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Ya see?”

Both Big Mac and Apple Bloom yelped in shock and worry.

Crazy56U: ...because home is bad- oh, wait, Caramel is making his whatever for

Applejack at home, duh.

She continued, "After all, Granny Smith need us to cook some special Apple Treats. We don't want to have a cranky granny at home."

Big Mac gulped in concern before smiling, "Eeyup."

Scarlet: I don’t blame the guy. Last time Granny Smith had a tantrum, she actually managed to extinguish some of the joy in the universe forever.

Crazy56U: ...what?

Apple Bloom approached to Applejack and spoke, "Come on, sis. I think granny can handle it by herself."

SC276: Yeah, if you don’t want them done by Hearth’s Warming.

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, back at home, Granny is dead on the floor.

"Huh? Why is that? Apple Bloom?" Applejack asked suspiciously while raising her right eyebrow.

JofY: “WHERE DID YOU BURY THE BODY!?!”

SC276: The specific eyebrow is very important.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Did you burn down the house again?”

Apple Bloom gulped in fear while struggled and frantically to spoke, "Well... Because... She had a help!"

Scarlet: Not a big help or a little help mind you. Just “a help”.

Crazy56U: Or a “help” is some kind of energy drink...

"Apple Bloom!" Big Mac scolded Apple Bloom.

"From Saber Dragoon," Apple Bloom answered quickly, "Granny Smith told me this morning before we left that she was having a help from him to cook the Apple Treats. And you won't believe what else she asked us to do."

Scarlet: I’m thinking sponge bath.

CaptainPisqueak: Thank you for that image. Sleep is overrated anyway.

SC276: “Saber Dragoon” sounds like a Final Fantasy class.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Apple Bloom, I’ve told you a thousand times, your imaginary friend has better things to do than help out Granny!”

"Really?" Applejack asked suspiciously.

Apple Bloom smiled while bouncing up and down, "Yeah! With him around, we're gonna have lots of time in finding and buying the best presents for our Hearth's Warming Eve! Won't that be fun?"

Scarlet: It will not.

Crazy56U: And now, Hotel Mario.

Big Mac smiled, "Eeyup."

Crazy56U: See above.

Applejack hummed softly while showing her suspicious eyes at her siblings, who remained smiling weakly and fearfully. She sighed in defeat.

Scarlet: Meta-Applejack sees the romantic comedy tropes approaching but can do nothing to stop them.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “I’m too drunk for this…”

"Alright. As soon as we're done with our business, we go to some shops for some cooking ingredients and good stuffs for tonight's.

SC276: ...tonight’s what?

Crazy56U: Tonight’s dinner, obviously.

Just hopefully we don't want to take it too long. We don't want Granny Smith to be crankier and crazy again."

Scarlet: [Applejack] “I can still feel her cane.” *shudders*

SC276: Hoping you don’t want something feels like some specific form of unhealthy denial.

Crazy56U: I thought she was taking meds for that...

"Trust us. You won't regret it. We're not making it long," Apple Bloom smiled.

Big Mac nodded his head, "Eeyup."

JofY: *Audible wink*

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “NOIMNOTBEINGSUSPICIOUS!”

[Big Mac] “(nods head furiously) YEP”

Applejack took and dressed her white apron up, "Right. Let's get the work done."

Scarlet: She dressed the apron as a pretty pony princess. Pinkie was pleased.

SC276: Does anyone else hear headdesking?

Crazy56U: And thus Applejack decided “Fuck apples, time to be a nurse!”

As Applejack took off at once,

Crazy56U: Where was she going without ever knowing the way?

Big Mac and Apple Bloom sighed in relief. Big Mac gave Apple Bloom a glare. Apple Bloom yelped in shock.

JofY: “Ack! Attention! Get it away from me!”

Crazy56U: Oh my God, Big Mac is showing an emotion! PANIC!

"Don't look at me, Big Mac. I didn't tell her about him, okay?" Apple Bloom argued. Big Mac snorted a bit. She continued, "Besides; I said Saber Dragoon, and didn't mention 'you know who'."

Scarlet: I’m just going to point out that this OC’s name is basically Sword Gunman.

JofY: The Saber one or the name not known yet?

SC276: Let’s go with both.

Crazy56U: Or neither. Neither is good.

Big Mac sighed, "Eeyup."

"We're gonna keep her here until tonight. Besides, he's a great cooker wasn't he? With Saber Dragoon and Granny Smith's help, he will get it like a lickety-split!"

Scarlet: Hey, Lickety Split doesn’t deserve this! I’m sure there’s a better story you could use him in!

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, back at home, Mystery Pony was dead on the floor.

"Eenope."

"What?! You're not serious that he's gonna mess the cook up again?"

CaptainPipsqueak: The last time, the bruises took two weeks to clear up!

Crazy56U: See above.

"Eeyup..."

Apple Bloom sighed in defeat, "Well... We're gonna keep her here a long time..."

Big Mac nodded his head, "Eeyup..."

Scarlet: [Apple Bloom] “I’ll go knock her out, you get the portable solitary confinement chamber.”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “(pulls out a bottle of chloroform) Leave it to me…”

Big Mac and Apple Bloom took their apron and dressed up as they both helped Applejack in selling the apples to the citizens at once. Hopefully, they had to hold her for long till tonight. They prayed that their friends had the Apple Treats down by tonight.

Scarlet: Otherwise, we might have to resort to wacky hijinks!

CaptainPipsqueak: Ooh! Can they be zany too? Pleasepleaseplease?

JofY: Only if you’re good Pipsqueak. Only if you’re good.

Crazy56U: How much longer until “Apple Treats” becomes “Apple Treats™”?

At the Sweet Apple Acre,

SC276: Just the one acre. It was feeling left out.

Crazy56U: The rest of it burnt to the ground in an avoidable incident.

Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon were helping a familiar friend in dealing and cooking the foods for tonight special: Apple Treats.

SC276: We get it author, it’s only been stated four times by now.

Crazy56U: ™.

For nearly whole afternoon, the kitchen was a disaster and mess as Caramel

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Oh, what a shock.

struggled in getting the right cooking for the Apple Treat.

Scarlet: Not apple pies, apple crumbles, apple muffins, apple trifle, apple cake, or even apple strudel. Just “Apple Treat”. Also apparently a name.

CaptainPipsqueak: They tried an Apple Trick once, but it took a day to put the fires out.

Crazy56U: ™.

As Caramel added some sugar into the soup, Granny Smith whacked her stick on his left hoof hard. He yelped painfully.

SC276: Is Caramel someone else’s boyfriend OC, or…?

Crazy56U: [Caramel] “OH GOD, MY HOOF IS BROKEN”

[Granny Smith] “Serves ya right…”

"You're putting too much on it!" Granny Smith complained angrily.

CaptainPipsqueak: (Granny Smith) “Also in it! … I’m not senile!”

JofY: Wow, Granny is being violent here.

SC276: Granny’s had enough of your shit.

Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “I didn’t serve in the War just to let you fuck this up, maggot!”

"Sorry," Caramel muttered in upset as he took some sips of yellowish sticky honey soup out

Scarlet: These lines would later be recycled for a rather different sort of fic.

JofY: A good one?

Crazy56U: Relax, it’s just honey mustard. ...really crappy honey mustard.

. He continued stirring the soup gently and calmly, "Like this? Gently and calmly?"

"Yes..." Granny Smith nodded her head calmly.

CaptainPipsqueak: And gently. Get with the program, Granny.

Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “I’ll spare you this evening.”

She then shouted angrily,

Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “PSYCHE!”

"Make sure you stir them properly, Caramel! Not too slow! Not too fast! Not too hard! Not too gentle! And you'd better make sure that the Apple Treat have to be good! Or else we're gonna do it again and again until you get it right! Do you get me, pal?!"

Scarlet: Those who fail at creating baked goods will be flayed alive. It is Apple Family Law!

JofY: I think Gordon Ramsey creates less stress than Granny Smith is here.

SC276: Someone close the kitchen!

Crazy56U: Granny’s like five seconds away from straight up beating Caramel to death...

"Yes, ma'am!" Caramel exclaimed in fear as he quickly deal the stirring on Apple Treat.

Scarlet: I can’t even this sentence.

JofY: Are sure?

Crazy56U: ™. Also, I think Caramel just pissed himself in fear.

As nervous, worry and fearful; Caramel struggled in getting the right cook of Apple Treat.

Crazy56U: ™.

He had some sweats shedding out from his body as he continued cooking the Apple Treat.

Crazy56U: ™.

SC276: Apple Treat Apple Treat, Apple Treat. Apple Treat? Apple Treat!

Crazy56U: ™ ™, ™. ™? ™!

"You'll be fine," Saber Dragoon said calmly, "I promise you that."

Scarlet: [Saber Dragoon] “I’ll make sure to execute you cleanly and painlessly before you ever incur Granny’s rage.”

JofY: ‘“You’ll be fine,” Saber Dragoon said calmly, placing a hoof onto his shoulder and pulling out the tongue.’

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “Your death shall be swift and painless.”

Caramel sighed, "Easy to say than done."

SC276: Is English this author’s second language?

Crazy56U: More like 8th...

"Not everyone can get the right cooking. When I was a teen, I used to be a lousy cook. The only thing I'm good at is battling and fighting."

Scarlet: Just once I’d love someone’s bullshit OC to be a god-tier accountant or something.

JofY: Wasn’t that one our previous stories?...

SC276: Stop reminding me of that atrocity of the English language!

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “All I know how to do is be Batman, God I suck!”

"So, how did you manage to get it done?"

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.”

"Let's say I've got some family's support and help to do it.

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “Also, drugs.”

SC276: That just reminds me of that vine with the owl.

If I can do the cooking well, then so can you."

Caramel had some thoughts of what Saber Dragoon had said, he smiled and turned to the latter. He nodded his head, "Yeah, you're right. I can't give up now! Applejack need this. I'm gonna make it happen!"

Scarlet: Oh yeah! He’s gotta believe!

SC276: He’s filled with determination. Let’s fill him with more so he can melt.

Crazy56U: But the world refused to change.

Granny Smith smirked, "Glad to know you have some confidence, Caramel." She then gave him a hard glare, "Now get back to it, boy! Don't make a mess!"

Caramel screamed in fear before saluted, "Yes ma'am!"

Scarlet: Again, the above lines would later be recycled for a different sort of fic.

Crazy56U: And now he shit himself.

And so, his struggling cook continued by restarting the cook.

Scarlet: Have you tried turning the cook off and back on again?

CaptainPipsqueak: Or removing the battery for five seconds?

JofY: Just kick it!

Crazy56U: Uh, continuing by restarting is kinda an oxymoron...

As his fifth time, Caramel made some mistakes. Firstly, he put the wrong salt into the soup; instead of sugar.

JofY: Okay, I’m not culinary inclined when it comes to soups, so, what kind of non-dessert like soups require sugar?

SC276: I don’t know a single soup that would require sugar anyway…

Scarlet: Actually, certain potato soups can use it if you add sweet potato chunks. You don’t use much, though, just enough to complement the flavor.

Crazy56U: Then he lit himself on fire.

Next, he put too much of honey while nodding adding some apple slices into it. Then, he accidentally put too much of flour into it.

SC276: How are you messing up on things you didn’t mess up before? What are you, me?

Crazy56U: And then he straight up threw the pot to the floor and had a seizure.

Aftermath, he overheated the cake too much.

Crazy56U: And then he turned into a jet, bombed the Russians, and flew into the sun.

Now he’s dead.

Finally, he made a good shape of Apple Treat Cake.

Scarlet: It was stolen moments later by an eagle.

CaptainPipsqueak: Which then died of food poisoning.

Crazy56U: A Hearth’s Warming Eve miracle.

CaptainPipsqueak: The eagle, however, was delicious.

As Granny Smith tasted it, she gave the disgusted look while looking at it.

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, Caramel made it. Nevermind, the miracle was fake.

She then thrown it aside hard before scolding and lecturing Caramel about it.

JofY: Maybe if you just added some caramel.

Crazy56U: Well, she tried to, anyway, if it weren’t for Caramel openly sobbing

during...

Caramel continued struggled in making the Apple Treat Cake for few times. On the late evening, he managed to put and make the good-looking and shaped of golden Cake with two layers and cherries on rounded's edges while its middle had the crops of Sweet Apple Acres.

Scarlet: Every single one of the farm’s crops baked into a single cake!

Crazy56U: It also contained some of his blood from when he accidentally sliced open his jugular, but luckily he made the cake before he bled out.

It was done. Both Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon smiled proudly.

SC276: Meanwhile, we’re frowning miserably.

Crazy56U: The nightmare was over at least.

Caramel put the Apple Treat Cake into an oven as he set it for 10 minutes.

SC276: Baking a cake usually takes at least twenty minutes, author.

JofY: Like you need to know anything about cooking to write.

SC276: If you’re going to write about cooking, yes.

JofY: Oh, come on, who cares about details like that? We get to have antics so cliche not even modern sitcom do them.

Crazy56U: And then the oven exploded.

He then headed off and met up with both Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon.

Scarlet: Who had presumably gotten bored of the story and walked out.

Crazy56U: They were busy drinking the pain away.

Caramel smiled happily, "I can't believe it's done."

"Not bad for a new pony. You did pretty well on your first and foremost cook," Granny Smith commented.

JofY: Most ponies burn down an entire micro-nation before learning how to cook.

SC276: [Granny Smith] “Ya used up all our food with all the attempts and we’re going to starve this winter, but you did pretty well.”

Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “Of course, I’m banning you from entering our kitchen ever again, but…”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Granny Smith] “Though at this point it’s kinda like closing the barn door after the horse’s bolted… Heh; see that? Gone an’ added an apt ponyism, too.”

Saber Dragoon nodded his head, "Yeah. At least you put 10 minutes in heating the cake up."

Scarlet: Is this realistic bake time for an ornate apple confection? What do you all think?

JofY: No.

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “I’m surprised you managed to use the oven correctly. I thought you’d electrocute yourself again…”

Caramel smiled and nodded his head in agreement. As three ponies were about to leave the kitchen, they heard some exploding from it.

JofY: The Carrot Farm was finally removing competition.

SC276: This is turning into that time from The Simpsons where Homer set a bowl of cereal on fire.

Crazy56U: HOLY FUCK, I WAS JOKING!

They quickly returned to the area and checked on it. Upon arriving to the microwave oven, they spotted the cake was bursting and exploding within as it grew large and shooting its small parts out like shooting guns.

Scarlet: That’s no cake! It’s a mobile fortress! SCRAMBLE!

SC276: Are you telling me they tried to bake a cake for a family Christmas tradition using the microwave?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

Crazy56U: I’m more concerned that the cake apparently mutated into a monster...

"What in tarnation just happen?!" Granny Smith asked in shock and worry.

SC276: The plot having a seizure is my best bet.

Crazy56U: The cake mutated, I just said that...

"I don't know!" Caramel answered in fear. He yelped as he spotted the cake grew larger and larger while breaching through the oven's door, "I do know one thing! RUN!"

JofY: Run, Cake! Run!

Crazy56U: RETREAT!

CaptainPipsqueak: REHEAT!!

SC276: [King Arthur] “RUN AWAY!”

"You heard him! RUN!" Saber Dragoon exclaimed in fear.

Scarlet: Sword Gunman meets his only weakness- confection.
Crazy56U: RETREAT!

CaptainPipsqueak: RE-EAT!

SC276: [The Knights] “RUN AWAY!”

Granny Smith, Saber Dragoon and Caramel screamed in fear and worry as they quickly escaped the area as the microwave oven steamed off while shaking very hard.

JofY: Well, no wonder why it’s alive. It’s been getting nuclear radiation for like 10 minutes, that can’t be good.

Crazy56U: Well, looks like the Apples have to live somewhere else now...

Three Apple Siblings were on their way home. They carried both food supplies and stuffs for tonight's Hearth's Warming Eve.

SC276: They’re getting the food for Christmas Eve dinner now? That’s way more irresponsible than I’d expect from Applejack. Then again, she’s dating one of the two OCs in this chapter, so who knows what her thought process is.

Crazy56U: But did they have any Apple Treats™?

Applejack sighed in annoyance, "Next time, Apple Bloom; leave the talking to me before you jump on the barrel."

Scarlet: No, we’re not going to give you context for this. Yes, whatever you come up with instead probably will be a more interesting story.

Crazy56U: My guess, Apple Bloom jumped on someone’s gun. They were getting mugged by one of Dr. Canada’s goons.

Apple Bloom sighed in defeat, "Sorry, sis..."

"Now, now, Applejack; let's not-!" Big Mac spoke.

SC276: [Big Mac] “I mean, uh, eeyup.”

Crazy56U: Oh my God, he remembered how to speak!

"I know. I know. I know.

Crazy56U: So, do you know or not?

It's Hearth's Warming Eve. I shouldn't be mad at my little sister," Applejack interrupted before she smiled, "Besides, we're gonna get a good evening dinner together."

Both Big Mac and Apple Bloom smiled in pleased and relief.

SC276: Cue mood-turning irony in three, two…

Crazy56U: They were blissfully unaware they were about to reach Ground Zero of Caramel’s fuckup...

BOOM!

Crazy56U: And that’s how the world ended. THE END

Three Apple Siblings yelped in shock as they felt the shake and heard the explosion. They looked up and found the Sweet Apple Acre was covered by the sticky and slimy honey.

Scarlet: The Rule 34 version is barely going to read differently.

JofY: Not really...

Crazy56U: Great, now it’s going to smell like honey for years...

"What in tarnation?!" Applejack asked in shock.

"Oh no... Caramel..." Apple Bloom said in concern.

Big Mac gulped in fear and concern, "Eenope..."

SC276: What, did someone go all in at the Inventory?

Crazy56U: Awwww, Big Mac forgot how to speak again...

She and her two siblings made haste in returning to home.

Scarlet: Fly, Applejack! Show us the meaning of haste!

Crazy56U: C’mon, what’s the rush, you act like everything you own is now covered in honey or something...

Upon reaching home, the Apple Siblings headed to the kitchen and found dizzy and knockout Granny Smith, Caramel and Saber Dragoon on the floor. The former was in shock.

JofY: Nobody knew what their motivation was.

Crazy56U: The latter were dead inside.

"What in tarnation is gonna here?!" Applejack demanded.

Granny Smith sighed in defeat. Caramel stood up at once as he said, "I can explain..."

Scarlet: [Caramel] “I’m a terrible cook and I tried to stuff the farm into a cake.”

Crazy56U: [Caramel] “I was born…”

JofY: [Carmel] “...Actually, it may be better if I don’t say anything at all.”

Caramel explained to Applejack of what he did for whole day with Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon on making the Apple Treat Cake. Applejack looked annoy and upset of what Caramel did and especially receiving the lie from her siblings.

JofY: Yes, the lie that… was about...

SC276: This is why I don’t like surprise parties.

Crazy56U: Hey now, technically they did not lie. Granny Smith was getting help from

Saber Dragoon in regards to cooking...

She looked away from them and approached to the wall which has some of sticky honey cake.

Scarlet: The wall had a sweet tooth.

Crazy56U: “Hey, you got your LOLCats in my shitfic!” “You got your shitfic in my LOLCats!”

Applejack placed her hoof on it before tasted it with her tongue.

JofY: And no one ate dinner that night.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Needs salt.”

"Applejack, please..." Caramel begged, "Don't blame your family. I did it. I wanted to make it a special and meaningful treat for you.

JofY: No Caramel! It’s not worth it! Don’t you know she killed a filly’s parents once for mixing mashed potatoes and flour together!?

SC276: So let me guess, he’s the boyfriend. The character we don’t have any reason to believe is reliable.

Crazy56U: Wow, it took you that long to figure it out? I thought it was clear the second his name was mentioned...

I guess... I'm not the best cook I ever thought of..."

Scarlet: [Caramel] “I once imagined a chef with five Michelin stars!”

Crazy56U: [Caramel] “I’m just a living, breathing, natural disaster…”

"Caramel..." Everyone but Applejack said in concern.

As Applejack turned to Caramel, she sighed in annoyance, "Yeah... You're really are terrible cook.

Crazy56U: That’s it, Applejack, just shit on his hopes and dreams...

Always missed the important ingredient and making sure the food is good to go."

Scarlet: Yeah, always making sure the food is good to go! The mark of a truly terrible cook!

SC276: Well at least she didn’t surprisingly love it…

Crazy56U: Hands down, the most realistic part of this story.

Caramel looked down in defeat and shame. Before he could say, she jumped and hugged him tightly. Everyone was in shock and surprise by the action. She then kissed on his cheeks before smiling, "But this... It's the best I ever taste!"

JofY: Because she taste no longer.

SC276: I spoke too soon.

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, this Author doesn’t know what realism is, I forgot...

Caramel gasped, "You mean- you like it?!"

Applejack smiled, "Eeyup."

Crazy56U: [Big Mac] “HEY!”

Everyone was in shock and surprise by Applejack's answer. They all smiled in joy and relief that she accepted Caramel's work.

Scarlet: Joy and relief shattered moments later when Applejack smashed a table over Caramel’s head while he was distracted.

JofY: She was no longer Applejack. Now, she had a new name… and his name was John Cena.

SC276: I saw this coming, and then you seemingly changed your mind, and then you went right back around and did it anyway. Fool me once…!

Crazy56U: At least Caramel isn’t dying tonight...

"But next time, Caramel; be careful of whatcha you doing on cooking," Applejack remarked.

Caramel smiled, "I will, Apple dear..."

SC276: But this brick was thinking, “No you won’t” either…

Crazy56U: Next time, he’s doing to straight up set the kitchen on fire, isn’t he?

SC276: You won’t come near smoke, fire, and Jello!

Saber Dragoon chuckled happily, "Well, what are we waiting for? Dig in. It might not be the best cake we wanted to design, but taste counts."

Scarlet: Sword Gunman- Why Was He Even Here?

JofY: I don’t know, I mean, this chapter disrespected design. And that’s wrong.

Crazy56U: Not always, honey.

Applejack smiled, "Dig in, everypony!"

Applejack and her family cheered happily and wildly as they took the saps and pieces of Apple Treat Cake from the wall.

SC276: That cannot be sanitary.

Crazy56U: Well, they gotta clean up the mess somehow.

They ate them happily and enjoyable. Saber Dragoon gave the small piece on Big Mac's face before laughed in amusement. Annoyed by his attempt, Big Mac slyly pushed Saber to the wall before laughed in amusement.

Scarlet: I’m confused, is that supposed to be homoerotic tension or is this an incredible happy accident?

Crazy56U: D) All of the above.

Granny Smith made a story about how her first cook was worse than Caramel. Apple Bloom giggled in amusement.

SC276: Amusement amusement, amusement. Amusement? Amusement!

Crazy56U: With this much amusement, you could make a park out of it!

As the family continued chatting and eating their own foods, Applejack and Caramel looked at each other while smiling.

Scarlet: [Applejack] “I despise you to the very core of your being.”

[Caramel] “Feeling’s mutual.”

Crazy56U: They got a contact high from the cake fumes, they had no idea what was

going on anymore.

"Thanks for giving me a chance, Applejack. It means me well..." Caramel said happily.

Applejack smiled, "I'm glad I did. You're a really special pony, Caramel.

SC276: Yes. “Special.”

Crazy56U: Well, she’s not wrong...

Thank you. And Merry Hearth's Warming Eve."

"Merry Hearth's Warming Eve to you, Applejack," Caramel replied.

Caramel and Applejack leaned close before kissing to each other's lips passionately and happily.

Scarlet: After removing their lips from their faces, of course.

Crazy56U: Every chapter is going to end with smooches, aren’t they?

Main Casts:

Brian Drummond: Caramel

Ashleigh Ball: Applejack

Peter New: Big Mac

Michelle Creber: Apple Bloom

Tabitha St. Germain: Granny Smith

Will Friedle: Saber Dragoon

Crazy56U: Fuck you for dragging Eric Matthews into this. Fuck. YOU.

Scarlet: And Mike Nelson as himself!

Preview:

Speed Hour: Soarin was late for the Rainbow's Holiday Spirit Party.

CaptainPipsqueak: Which is what she calls it when she breaks out the heavy stuff to get the Hearth’s Warming celebration really started.

Crazy56U: Actually, that’s a lie; he just didn’t feel like going.

To get to Rainbow's House, he required both Blazefist and Laxtinct in getting there while dealing with crazy Diamond Dog who wanted his present so badly.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, you’re ripping off the first story...

Will he get there in time for Rainbow's Party while making sure that package kept safe?!

Scarlet: And more importantly, will any of us care?

SC276: Why is the burrowing Diamond Dog race involved in the pegasus short?

JofY: Why is a Pokemon OC and medication to help one poop involved in this!?

CaptainPipsqueak: How does a pony get the name ‘Blazefist’?

Crazy56U: Please, failure doesn’t exist in this universe. Even if it seems like someone

fails, they’ll end up succeeding regardless...

Review and Suggest...

SC276: Stop. Now.

Crazy56U: Here’s a suggestion: step away from the computer. We have the place surrounded.

Short 3: Speed Hour

SC276: ~Slow down, yer gonna crash / Baby you’re a-screamin’, it’s a blast blast blast...~

Crazy56U: “Speed Hour”: The “Speed” / “Rush Hour” crossover no one wanted.

At Rainbow Dash's house, her father Rainbow Blazing and her mother Firefly

SC276: See, it’s funny because Firefly was the G1 character RD was based on-

Crazy56U: Why’d you sto-

had arrived at her home. Rainbow Dash jumped and hugged both of her parents happily before bringing them in. Rainbow Dash then presented her fan and sister-figure: Scootaloo.

Scarlet: Who was also there.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve, Mom and Dad! I got you an orphan!”

"Wow! You're Rainbow Dash's parents?" Scootaloo asked curiously.

JofY: “You’re both less cool than I imagined!”

Crazy56U: Somehow I doubt that the founder and leader of the “Rainbow Dash Fan

Club” doesn’t know who Rainbow’s parents are...

Both Rainbow Blaze and Firefly nodded their heads to her.

SC276: Oh god they’re both mutes.

JofY: No, they just haven’t hired voice actors.

Crazy56U: Or they have food in their mouths...

She cried happily while bouncing up and down, "OH MY GOSH! THIS IS SO AWESOME! AND THE BEST! YEAH!"

SC276: Calm down, sister, you’re gonna give yourself a heart attack.

JofY: EXCITEMENT! JOY! SENTENCES THAT ARE IN ALL CAPS EVEN THOUGH IT’S MEANT TO DENOTE RAGE AND ANGER!

Crazy56U: LOUD NOISES

Rainbow Blaze chuckled in amusement while patted Scootaloo's mane gently, "My... She's quite a spirited and spiteful too. It reminds me of Rainbow Dash."

Scarlet: Truly, Scootaloo is the most spiteful of children.
Crazy56U: Well, unless I’m mistaken, Scootaloo still has that Rainbow Dash wig...

"She sure does, Blaze. A very determined too," Firefly commented.

SC276: “Meeting your idol’s parents fills you with determination.”

Crazy56U: No, Firefly, she’s a pegasus.

She turned to Spitfire, "It's good to see you again, my dear."

JofY: “I must commend you for teleporting in.”

Crazy56U: [Firefly] “And by ‘again’, I mean ‘for the first time’; where the fuck did you

come from?!”

"Good to see you too," Spitfire smiled as she gave Firefly a hoofshake, "My mom says highly of you. I've gotta say... You would have made a great Wonderbolt."

Scarlet: Spitfire is just in this story too, now. I kind of hope that we just keep introducing characters abruptly as dinner goes on. “And then Tirek said-”

SC276: This is turning into that Rick & Morty episode.

Crazy56U: “Total Rickall”?

Firefly sighed in defeat, "Yeah... Somehow, I really wish that happen."

SC276: Yeah, accusations of getting into the Wonderbolts because of family connections and not skill alone. That’s what Rainbow’s always wanted.

Crazy56U: [Firefly] “If it wasn’t for my smack habit, I would’ve passed the drug test… (sigh) ...but I love smack so much…”

She then approached to Rainbow Blaze and Rainbow Dash. She hugged them passionately,

Crazy56U: And, in the process, she snapped their spines.

"But I already have my dream come true. Having my own family."

"Mom..." Rainbow Dash smiled happily and relief before nuzzling her mother's head gently and passionately, "I really touched by your love story, mom.

JofY: But the author ain’t gonna write us love story. ‘Cause he don’t know to. ‘Cause we want one.

That was the best."

"Oh Dashie... My Little Dashie,"

SC276: No, I doubt we are ever going to actually do that.

JofY: And timer has started.

Crazy56U: Actually, there was a riff for it back in the old days of FFT3K, but for some

reason, it just... poofed. In fact, I think it’s still in Google Docs...

Firefly smiled before nuzzled on Rainbow's head gently.

"Speaking of love story," Rainbow Blaze said calmly as he looked around in searching and looking for someone, "Where is your hotshot, Dash?"

Scarlet: [Rainbow Blaze] “Shouldn’t he have popped out of the ether with the other guests?”

Crazy56U: Uh… (pulls out a Hot Shots! Part Deux DVD) D-does this count?

Heard of what her father had asked, Rainbow Dash looked worry and scared as she looked around for a while.

JofY: Oh no! He didn’t get through the teleporter! He’s stuck somewhere inside time

and space!

CaptainPipsueak: Lucky bastard. Well, he always said he wanted to see everything.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I-I thought he was here…”

She nervously answered, "He'll be here... Somehow... I hope..."

KNOCK!

JofY: The police!

SC276: Cheese it, it’s the cops! *dives for the window*

Crazy56U: ...you mean “NOT!”, Narrator.

Rainbow Dash gasped happily as she dashed to the door at once. She opened it as she prayed it was Soarin.

JofY: And not his brother Sauron... Always staring at everyone.

Instead of him, she spotted a familiar friend coming in. She was none other than Aquastroke.

JofY: Isn’t that toothpaste?

SC276: Or a stroke you suffer in water.

Crazy56U: Or a- on second thought, nevermind.

"Aqua?" Rainbow Dash asked in shock and surprise.

Scarlet: No, Aqua, don’t do this! Kingdom Hearts 3 is coming, and you’re almost guaranteed a role in it!

Crazy56U: Given naming conventions among ponies, I take it she’s some kind of water-based pony? Or is she just eccentric?

"Hey Rainbow Dash," Aqua greeted Rainbow Dash, "Don't mind if I come in?"

Rainbow Dash nodded her head

SC276: That means she does mind. Stay out. You’re gonna track OC on the floor.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Yes. (slams the door shut)”

as she allowed and led Aqua into her house. Rainbow led Aqua to her family as she introduced the latter to them. They greeted happily and introduced to her back. She bowed in respect to them.

Scarlet: [Aqua] “Greetings, family of Rainbow Dash. This is my back.”

[Everyone] “Hello, Aqua’s back!”

SC276: Wait, does that mean Rainbow gets the girl love interest? Why is it always Rainbow that’s the lesbian?!

Crazy56U: I think it’s because of her mane… Chicks dig the multicolored hair...

"Hey, glad to see you're here. Have you seen Soarin?" Rainbow asked.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Remember? He’s Soarin’, flyin’, there’s not a star in

Heaven he can’t reach? Remember?”

SC276: Please, we have no chance of breaking free from this fic.

"No," Aqua shook her head before looked around of Rainbow's house for the moment,

Crazy56U: [Aqua] “Huh, you redecorated... I don’t like it!”

"But I was hoping Blazefist's here since he asked me to come. So, he's not here too?"

Scarlet: Ah, that beloved character Blazefist. Truly nothing would be complete without his presence!

CaptainPipsqueak: Such a scamp he is, with his merry japes and such!

SC276: So there’s two OCs per Mane 6. Of course there is.

Crazy56U: Oh God, please don’t say he’s a human...

"Nope. I'm afraid not..."

"Aw man... Where is he? I hope he's okay..."

"Same goes to my Soarin.

Crazy56U: No! Bad Rainbow! Slavery is wrong!

I hope he's okay from any kind of troubles," Rainbow said in worry.

Scarlet: Uh-oh! That sounds to me like it’s the lead-in for some wacky circumstances!

CaptainPipsqueak: And zany?

SC276: Well judging from the last two shorts and the author’s perceived lack of creativity, they’re probably shopping for Christmas cake.

JofY: That, or getting into events that have nothing to do with anything on hand.

CaptainPipsqueak: People really do eat those?

Crazy56U: Well, at least it isn’t fruitcake...

Aquastroke sighed as she patted on Rainbow's left shoulder, "Well, there's nothing we can do now.

Crazy56U: [Aqua] “Yeah, as far as we know, Soarin’ and Blazefist are dead, might as

well not care...”

Let's just talk with your parents. That usually help me calm down well."

SC276: How does talking to parents calm people down?

Crazy56U: If anything, it should make you more tense! TRUST ME

Rainbow smiled and nodded her head in agreement, "Yeah. Let's go."

JofY: Yay! They’re leaving the fic!

Crazy56U: If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs...

Aquastroke and Rainbow Dash turned and approached to Rainbow's Family and Friends

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Rainbow’s Family and Friends’ - the newest My Little Pony playset. Get yours today, just in time for Christmas!

Crazy56U: Rainbow turned her home into a pancake joint in the middle of this scene,

apparently...

as all of them were having some good conversation while waiting for both Soarin and Blazefist's returning here safely…

Scarlet: Nothing can start without the OCs present. It is fanfic law!

Crazy56U: (opens a can of Diet Coke) Yeah. “Good” conversation. Uh huh. Yep. Totally. (begins drinking)

Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct were screaming in fear as they were all running away from crazy and vicious Vampiric Jackalope.

Scarlet: ...I wasn’t sure how the story would deliver on the hijinks end of things, but this is probably the best it could’ve done. Bravo.

SC276: And I thought the Dastardly Whiplash earlier was freakin’ random.

JofY: Why do I feel like this is going turn Vampiric Jackalope into something really stupid?

CaptainPipsqueak: Turn into?

Crazy56U: (spits out Diet Coke) Holy fuck, tonal shift much?!

"I told you not to disturb those Jackalopes!" Blazefist exclaimed in anger.

CaptainPipsqueak: “You wacky, zany trickster you!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, I agree, what did the Jackalopes ever do to you?

"How am I suppose to know that?!" Laxtinct complained in fear and anger, "They're just too cute to resist! I want to play with them!"

Scarlet: Laxtinct- dumbest name in the story, but second OC I’ve begun to like.

SC276: The one stupid enough to try and pet wild animals on a whim?

Scarlet: Do you know how often it is that someone has the nuance to make an OC with actual flaws that bite him in the ass? I’m still trying to figure out how this happened!

JofY: Well, clearly he’s the comic relief. That means anything he does has to be punished.

Crazy56U: His name is a fucking laxative-brand name.

"CUTE?! Call them the FREAKS! Thanks a lot!" Soarin argued.

Crazy56U: Holy fuck, why is Soarin’ being racist?!

"Save the argument! And keep on running!" Blazefist cried in fear.

SC276: At least one of them can fly!

JofY: Maybe!

Crazy56U: Yeah, Blazefist, stop dicking around and fly already! Leave the others for

dead!

As the trio continued running, they came by a familiar valley Rainbow Dash had most of pets put on the race for her to choose. They ran through the Ghastly Gorge.

JofY: There was padding that they had to go through. The padding that they went to remove was surprisingly redundant.

Crazy56U: Remember? “May The Best Pet Win”? Introduced Tank to the world? Was

the episode right before that Mare-Do-Well bullcrap?

The Vampiric Jackalopes continued chasing after them.

Scarlet: Please tell me this ends with a quarry eel eating the jackalopes.

SC276: Or the ponies. Can’t afford to be picky at this point.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Everyone gets eaten and the story comes to a quiet end. ‘Vore and Peace’ you might say.

Crazy56U: My money is on the eels teaming up with the Jackalopes and taking over

the world...

While during their running, the trio encountered some of obstacles standing in their ways; the dropping and falling rocks, windy cave, sharped and thorny bramble bushes and attacking Quarrey Eels.

Soarin groaned in annoyance, "Just great..."

JofY: “We just had a great action scene and it was ignored completely.”

CaptainPisqueak: As though that wasn’t a favour.

Crazy56U: Oh, no! The previously established eels!

"Keep on running," Blazefist cried, "We'll cover you!"

Scarlet: [Blazefist] “Don’t fly away! They’ll be expecting that!”

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “We’ll be your meatshields!”

"Hopefully some Jackalopes stopped following us," Latxtinct exclaimed in fear.

Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct ran through the long valley of Ghastly Gorge. The vampiric Jackalopes chased and went after them.

During their journey in running through some dangerous obstacles, the trio fought back against them.

JofY: Wow! What a show! How visual! It’s like I’m really there.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why, if I close my eyes, I can almost envision...no. Nope. Can’t pull off bullshit like that.

Crazy56U: Yes, because that is totally definitely actually happening...

Blazefist fired his Firestorm Phoenix and Fireballs at them for few times while dodging the attacks.

SC276: He has named elemental attack moves?! Fuck, did Mykan breach this?!

Crazy56U: What, was a flamethrower just too expensive for you?

Soarin flew through the valley while dodging the attacks. Laxtinct; worn his Earth Armor-like,

Crazy56U: “Like” what? Like armor?

JofY: I believe the term is, ‘Clothing.’

charged in as he bashed and knocked some rocks off and away from him.

Scarlet: This is the worst Let’s Play of Dynasty Warriors I have ever seen.

JofY: And that’s when the laxative hit.

Crazy56U: Laxtinct used Rock Smash! It’s super effective!

As for the vampiric Jackalopes, they continued chasing after the trio. Passing through the windy caves, most of vampiric Jackolopes were blow and pushed away by the strong wind. Some were unable to get through the bushes because of sharp thorns. And finally, they stopped before get attacked by the Quarray Eels from walls and ground.

Scarlet: *holds up the “You Tried” sticker from a previous riff* Here you go, author. You deserve it.

JofY: No they don’t! They didn’t try at all!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but if Scarlet gave them a “You Failed” sticker, that’d just be kind of dickish.

Crazy56U: Oh, fuck, the eels still exist!

After passing through some crazy Ghastly Gorge, three ponies made safely to the hill as they took a deep breathe while panted heavily.

"Let's not do that again," Laxtinct remarked.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, for the love of God don’t.

Crazy56U: Because Heaven forbid you do something in this- I can’t finish this

sentence; I agree, never do that again.

Blazefist nodded his head in agreement, "Yeah... Hopefully we don't get to that mess again..."

SC276: Yeah right, 420.

Crazy56U: Oh God, he’s self-aware of what story he’s in...

Soarin took a present out from his saddlebag. As he checked on it, he sighed in relief, "Man, that was close... It's still safe."

Scarlet: And then it was snatched by an eagle!

JofY: If only one of them could fly!

CaptainPipsqueak: Jeez, and I thought Fluttershy was being dumb the last riff...

Crazy56U: ...was it a safe?

"So, what's inside the present?" Laxtinct asked curiously.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Explosives.”

Crazy56U: Another present!

SC276: WHAT’S IN THE BOX, JOKEY?!

Soarin smirked, "Not telling, Lax. Not until we've reached to Rainbow Dash's Home in one piece."

SC276: [Soarin] “Then the audience would know it too!”

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m still hoping it’s explosives. Take them all out at once.

Crazy56U: Hey now, don’t turn into a crossover on us, story...

Laxtinct was about to ask, but stopped by Blazefist as he said, "Come on, bro. Stop asking him. We've got some job to do. And we're going to end it."

Scarlet: Once... and for all.

CaptainPipsqueak: DunndunnDUNNN!

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “Yes, we must end it… (pulls out a knife) Sorry, Soarin’!”

[Soarin’] “Wait, wha- (STABSTABSTAB)”

THE END

Laxtinct sighed in defeat, "Fine... Better worth our time..."

SC276: No, it’s not.

Crazy56U: HAH

Soarin nodded his head in agreement, "We'd better get going. We're so late for the party!"

The trio headed off as they journeyed all the way to Rainbow's Home.

SC276: That’s the name on the playset box, we’re rolling with it.

Scarlet: Now available from the same bootleggers who brought you the Agrestia mega-playset!

Crazy56U: And then, five minutes later, they realized they were lost.

For nearly an hour had passed, the trio entered the long way down on the steep and rocky mountain area.

JofY: What? Why? How? What? These questions and more will never be answered.

CaptainPipsqueak: Things happened then more things happened. Then characters spoke and still more things happened.

Crazy56U: What, did they make a pit stop to destroy the One Ring?

They also looked out for any sign of troubles.

SC276: Those troublesome troubles are always causing trouble.

CaptainPipsqueak: And if you see two, then your trouble is doubled!

Crazy56U: They found issues, conflicts, and bad times, but no troubles to be seen...

Upon reaching to the large open field, they found more of holes. They recognized the area very well.

"This must be Diamond Dogs' Mines," Soarin said in concern.

Scarlet: [Soarin] “Which I have visited several times before and thus know about.”

Crazy56U: You could tell that just by looking at some holes. Soarin’ is best detective.

Blazefist nodded his head in confirmation, "Yeah. We'd better be careful. The last thing I want is those freaks to mess with the wrong guys."

SC276: Couldn’t they just go around the field or something? I’ve already lost track of what they’re doing, aren’t they heading back to Rainbow’s house?

JofY: They’re taking the scenic route.

CaptianPipsqueak: “If you look to your left, you can see a cliff face. If you look to your right, you can see a cli-- y’know, there really isn’t a hell of a lot to see here, is there?”

Crazy56U: What is it with you and freaks?!

"I wonder who you are referring to," Laxtinct wondered curiously.

Soarin sighed in annoyance, "He meant us, Lax."

SC276: I mean, obviously, they are the wrong guys.

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “No, I didn’t, shut up!”

He patted on his saddlebag for three times gently, "Come on, we'd better get going. I've got to make sure that my precious gift

CaptainPipsqueak: Pleasebeexplosives Pleasebeexplosives Pleasebeexplosives...

Crazy56U: Which I’m now convinced is weed.

is secured until we reached home safely."

JofY: “Neither of you two matter though.”

Crazy56U: [Soarin’] “You two are part of my present, so don’t die.”

"Right..." Blazefist and Laxtinct nodded their heads in agreement.

As the trio continued walking down the mountain's road,

SC276: Why are they not flying.

Scarlet: We told you already! The enemy will be expecting that!

Crazy56U: Walking burns more calories.

the bushes from left side were lowered down. Three familiar creatures chuckled evilly as they showed their wicked smiles and chuckling noise.

SC276: We get it, author, they’re laughing, lay off already.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why would he start now?

Crazy56U: It was Larry with his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl...

They turned and looked at each other before nodded their heads.

As Soarin and his friends were passing the large tree by, a fishing hook came down and grasped Soarin's bag up.

JofY: Oh no! Flying thief worms!

Crazy56U: Lakitu turned to petty theft!

Upon seeing the attack, Laxtinct jumped and grabbed the fishing hook down hard, causing the fisherman to the ground.

Scarlet: [Laxtinct] “SHINY!”

Crazy56U: Was it a zombie fisherman?

"Ow! That hurt!" Spot exclaimed painfully.

SC276: Why is a dog in a tree, and given the environment of the surface near where Diamond Dogs are show to live, how could they not see a big dog in a tree sooner?

CaptainPipsqueak: Reasons.

Crazy56U: [Spot] “I think you broke my neck!”

"Trying to steal Soarin's present, aren't you?" Laxtinct asked angrily, "Guess what? No way."

Crazy56U: [Laxtinct] “(deadpan) I am extremely upset over this current development. Hell hath no fury like a Laxtinct scorned.”

"Yes way, pony..." Rover's voice spoke darkly.

JofY: Well, take a drink of water then.

The trio turned and encountered more of Diamond Dog Guards and their masters: Rover and Fido.

SC276: Wait, I lost track. There were three Diamond Dogs in a tree, and a Wonderbolt didn’t notice?

JofY: Is there a slave and master system that I’m not aware of here?

Crazy56U: No, Rover and Fido just pay really well.

Rover chuckled, "So, hand over that bag to us. We'll let you go."

SC276: What is with villains trying to steal presents from the Mane 6 one way or another?

Scarlet: “We have nothing to do, a grudge against you guys, and trying to actually cause physical harm to you is too much effort.”

Crazy56U: [Rover] “We just want the bag, so you can keep whatever’s in it! Cool? :D”

"Yeah... Give us the bag..." Fido said calmly.

Soarin groaned in anger as he kept the bag closed to him, "Over my dead body, doggies!"

SC276: Welp, you heard him, boys! *pulls out a crossbow*

Scarlet: I can’t mash the ‘Fight’ button hard enough!

Crazy56U: [Rover] “...poor choice of words. (proceeds to maul Soarin’ to death)”

THE END

"Listen up, pals. We can do it the easy way -" Blazefist said firmly while crossing his hooves,

JofY: Desperately trying to hide the fact that he meant to pound his hoofs together.

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “where we beat you to death,”

"- or the hard way..."

SC276: Dude, the “easy way” is to go above them because the guy with the box can fly!

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “Where we beat you to death with a spoon!”

Rover groaned in annoyance before roared in anger, "Just give us the bag now!" He charged in as he was about to throw a punch on Soarin, but got tripped by the latter's left knee after the dodge.

JofY: No, that’s a counter attack.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a “I Don’t Think You Even Tried At All” sticker)

Rover groaned in anger as he slowly got up and glared at the ponies, "GET THEM! I WANT THAT BAG!"

SC276: [Rover] “NOT FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON, I’M JUST THE VILLAIN OF THIS SHORT!”

Crazy56U: [Rover] “RANDOM MOTIVES!”

Fido screamed, "Get them!"

Diamond Dogs charged in and attacked on their enemies. Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct sighed in annoyance.

JofY: They were out of sync with one another. How indecent.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, technically you guys started this, don’t be smart!

Here they go again…

Scarlet: Laxtinct engaged the recording of The Aquabats he had saved for just such an occasion.

SC276: You mean they’ve gotten into combat situations they could have easily avoided before?

Crazy56U: It could be ten, but then again I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four.

Diamond Dogs jumped and attacked on Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct. The latter dodged and avoided the attacks while punching and kicking the Diamond Dogs hard and quick.

Scarlet: Kick, punch, it’s all in the mind!

SC276: Alright, we’re here, just sittin’ in the car!

Crazy56U: Crack crack crack the egg into the bowl! M-I-X the flour into the bowl!

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m workin’ in de flea market so early, I been workin’ here since me Momma was a baby...

Fido and Spot charged in and attacked both Blazefist and Laxtinct hard and quick, but the latter dodged and avoided it while moving to their backs.

JofY: Quick! Aim for underneath the ear. They love getting massaged there.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Oh, goody, more fighting, I don’t care, skipping ahead...

They waited for the moment as two Diamond Dogs charged in and rammed at their enemies. Blazefist and Laxtinct moved to left side before Fido and Spot slammed on each other's face hard.

JofY: Yes, the left side of however they’re positioned.

The brothers smirked proudly.

Scarlet: If these two start speaking in Spanish, I’m out of here.

SC276: No hablo Ingles.

Soarin faced off against Rover who swung his paws at his enemies hard and quick. Soarin dodged and avoided the attacks before punching on Rover's face for three times,

SC276: I can do it! I can do it three times!

and then kicked him off. Smirked in relief, Soarin was about to pat on his bag. But felt his sides only instead. He found his bag was missing.

JofY: Oh, there it is. It’s gone.

"YES! I have it!" Rover cried happily.

SC276: How the hell did that happen?!

Crazy56U: Don’t ask me...

The trio turned and glared at Rover caught the bag as he was about to open it, "Time to get my present!"

Scarlet: Jeez, all that effort for a greeting card.

Crazy56U: Dude, you could’ve easily used some of your diamonds to buy yourself a present...

Diamond Dogs came and surrounded Rover as they all watched and see what they had. Instead of showing proud and excited faces, they shown shock faces.

Scarlet: They had left their Proud Faces at home by mistake.

JofY: “Underwear!? The hell?”

Crazy56U: Oh, noes! The bag was the gift!

"What is this?!" Rover asked in shock.

SC276: [Rover] “What the fuck?! This is seriously messed up, dude!”

Crazy56U: [Rover] “What the fuck is Shrek the Halls?!”

"I'll take that!" Soarin exclaimed in anger as he dashed and grabbed it quickly. He reunited with his allies, "Didn't expect that, did ya? Love to chat, but we're seriously late!"

Scarlet: Tell us more about it when you’ve got the time!

Crazy56U: We’re not gonna make it! LET’S SPEED UP!

Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct turned and immediately left the area while leaving most of Diamond Dogs dumbfounded and shocked.

Rover groaned in annoyance, "I hate those ponies..."

Scarlet: Next time, Gadget!

SC276: I hate that hedgehog!

CaptainPipsqueak: Miss Tessmacherrrrrrrrr!

Crazy56U: (ba dum tish)

As Rainbow Dash and her family continued partying for Hearth's Warming Eve, the door was slammed in opening.

SC276: They didn’t even knock first? Rude.

JofY: Door, we’re here to talking about your drinking problem when you are opened.

Crazy56U: “POLICE! You’re all under arrest!”

They turned and found three familiar ponies who panted in exhaustion.

"Hey... We're here..." Soarin panted.

Rainbow Dash and Aquastroke charged in and jumped on both Soarin and Blazefist to the ground hard. The girls chuckled happily and in amusement while hugging duo boys tightly and happily. They then kissed on boys' lips for the moment.

Scarlet: Not these boys, mind you. Some other unidentified group of boys.

SC276: So, wait, why is Rainbow the only one that has a boyfriend that’s not an OC?

Scarlet: Because Caramel didn’t actually exist last story. Duh!

Crazy56U: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

The girls then slapped on Soarin's and Blazefist's face hard.

Scarlet: *snaps a picture for posterity*

SC276: That’s what you get for not flying!

JofY: Well, then they would be expecting that.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, that just turned them on. Rainbow and Aqua, that is.

"Where were you?!" Aquastroke demanded angrily.

Rainbow Dash nodded her head, "Yeah! You had me worry.

CaptainPipsqueak: What, me worry?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “(slurring) What’d ya mean I’m drunk, no you’re worry!

(hic!)”

What you've been doing?!"

"Long story," Soarin answered

SC276: [Soarin] “Probably one that could’ve been avoided in any number of ways, come to think of it.”

Crazy56U: [Soarin’] “Too long. Got any booze left?”

before he smiled as he took a Daring Do Book out while giving it to her, "A gift to you, Dash."

JofY: [Rainbow] “Uh… This is just men’s underwear.”

Crazy56U: Damn it, I wanted the gift to be stupid...

Rainbow Dash was speechless while dumbfounded, "Oh my gosh... I can't believe it! It's here!" She turned and looked at Soarin with her shock expression, "How?!"

Scarlet: [Rainbow] “I already own, like, a complete set! Two of them!”

JofY: “In fact, I’ve already made friends with the author!”

Crazy56U: Because bookstores are a myth.

Soarin smiled, "Let's say... I have a friend of mine telling me about it."

Aqua beamed her eyes at Blazefist while helping him up, "Were you the one to told him?"

"You bet," Blazefist smirked proudly.

Scarlet: [Aqua] “Wait, her boyfriend didn’t even know she was into Daring Do?”

[Blazefist] “You’ll have to forgive Soarin’. He’s dumb.”

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “Glad to know I had a point in this story!”

"Oh you..." Aquastroke said happily before kissing on Blazefist's lips gently and passionately.

SC276: Oh great, OCxOC now. We have original fiction for that, author!

Crazy56U: We also have Original Sin...

Rainbow Dash giggled in amusement as she got up and helped Soarin up as well. She then introduced him and two Mystic Ponies to her family

SC276: If you’re talking about the OCs, they already met one. Pay attention to your own plot.

Crazy56U: Okay, now I don’t know what the fuck a Mystic Pony is...

before they had a long chat and good laugh. The party just started…

Scarlet: Is this the part where the Mystic Ponies save Angel Grove from monsters yet?

JofY: No, they live in New Zeighland.

Scarlet: Aaah, good catch.

Crazy56U: ANNNND… scene.

The End...

Main Cast:

Matt Hill: Soarin

David Faustino: Blazefist

Crazy56U: So, you mean to tell me that Bud Bundy-

B.J. Byrne: Laxtinct

Crazy56U: Someone who I think you made up-

Ashleigh Ball: Rainbow Dash

Kelly Metzger: Spitfire, Firefly (G4)

JofY: As opposed to the G3 Firefly in this story.

Madeleine Peters: Scootaloo

Janet Varney: Aqaustroke

Crazy56U: Korra-

Scott McNeil: Rover, Rainbow Blaze

Crazy56U: Chief Thunderhooves-

Gary Chalk: Fido

Crazy56U: Optimus Primal-

Lee Tockar: Spot

CaptainPipsqueak: Zaphod Beeblebrox: Just This Guy, Y’know?

Scarlet: And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver!

Crazy56U: And Gummy all turned out for this?

JofY: Nobody: The entire crew.

Preview:

A Snow Date:

SC276: That’s… not really a pun.

Crazy56U: It’s not even that; if anything, it’s a description of the timeframe of these shorts...

Rarity was dateless since the broke up with Trenderhoof due to some works.

Crazy56U: ...yeah, no. (gets up and leaves)

Sweetie Belle was determined to get her a good date for Hearth's Warming Eve. Who is he?

JofY: Who is who?

Can he help and cheer Rarity up for Hearth's Warming Eve?

SC276: Fifteen bucks says she and “Trenderhoof” hook back up, because how else could this possibly go?

JofY: I’ll take that bet.

Review and Suggest…

CaptainPipsqueak: This is terrible. Stop writing.

Short 4: A Snow Date

At Carousal Boutique, Rarity was helping Sweetie Belle in setting the Christmas Tree for Hearth's Warming Eve since her family were on winter vacation.

SC276: Just like how Free Country, USA celebrate Decemberween and yet has Christmas lights.

For nearly an hour in decorating and completing the tree, Sweetie Bell levitated the golden star up.

JofY: And accidently caused the tree to fall over.

She slowly put it on top of tree's.

Scarlet: Using her magic to split it into a fractal star first, of course.

SC276: It took her an hour to do that.

"All done," Sweetie Belle smiled.

Rarity sighed in relief, "Good to hear. Now that is done. I'm going to do some of dresses."

Scarlet: Why not ALL the dresses?

SC276: All of them.

Sweetie Belle looked shock and surprise as she turned and looked at her older sister, "Huh? Why? Don't you have someone to date with, like Trenderhoof? He is your boyfriend."

"Not anymore..."

"Why? What happen?"

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rarity] “Someone set up us the bomb.”

SC276: Finally, a canon dated by an OC that got her sense back!

Rarity sighed in defeat, "We had some argument lately after the Third Mystic War.

SC276: I hate his continuity already.

Trenderhoof found someone he likes. I can't blame him for not liking the war very much.

JofY: “But he goes on and on, asking what’s it’s good for.”

He's a celebrity, not a soldier."

Scarlet: Well, I know what to say if I ever go through a break-up and get asked about it now.

"Why not find someone else to date with?" Sweetie Belle suggested happily.

Rarity sighed as she answered, "What's the point? I might end up in despair again."

SC276: *holds up a Monokuma plush* Upupupupu…~

JofY: ‘Love is pointless because it can fail.’ Spoken like a true Final Fantasy villain.

She gasped in shock, "THIS- IS- THE- WORST- THING- EVER- HAPPEN!"

Scarlet: Roll the clip, guys. Yes, you know the one.

SC276: The WORST! POSSIBLE! THING! is that you screwed the meme up!

CapainPipsqueak: I think he’s trying to mix that meme with ‘All Your Base’. Quite a bold move.

Rarity gave a loud yet long sigh before falling on her back while levitating the red cushion to her.

SC276: This gag was killed after the episode it was introduced, author. Are you a necromancer?

JofY: I’d doubt it. There isn’t any life at all in this.

She leaned her back to it while showing her weak and unhappy face. She looked at the ceiling.

JofY: “And now the paint’s chipping.”

She closed her eyes in taking a nap.

Scarlet: Yeah, I want to sit this one out too.

SC276: She saw Jane run.

CaptainPipsqueak: How does she keep escaping?

"Oh Rarity..." Sweetie Belle said in concern.

Nothing she can do, Sweetie Belle exited the Casual Boutique as she was looking for a friend to help her out.

Scarlet: The Carousel Boutique had eventually built a casual-Friday geared spin-off.

Sweetie Belle met up with Icy from the Town's Hall. She explained to the latter about the situation Rarity was facing and dealing with.

Icy hummed softly, "That must be hard for her..."

SC276: ...That’s it? “Icy” is her whole name? Gheeze, someone’s parents hated their kids…

JofY: [Icy] “But anyways, onto destroying this planet.”

"I know," Sweetie Belle sighed in concern, "I want to help her. I want to make Rarity to have a good date.

SC276: I want to make this story to have a good syntax.

I don't want to make her sad again." She looked down in sadness and pain,

JofY: She just realized that she had been stabbed.

"not like what my dream had said..."

Scarlet: Did I skip like half a story here? What dream now?

SC276: If it’s referring to the “Ghost of Stitching Future” thing from that episode I can’t remember the name of, being paranoid about driving her sister to ruin is not what I expected Sweetie to become.

"Don't worry," Icy said calmly as she placed her hoof over Sweetie's shoulder, "I'll help you."

"Really?"

"Sure. And I know the pony who can help us too."

"Who?"

"Follow me."

Scarlet: [Icy] “Surprise! It’s me wearing chaps! Rarity will dig this!”

Confused and worried of what Icy was planning, Sweetie Belle reluctant in following her friend to whatever Icy was trying to do.

Both Sweetie Belle and Icy entered Shorty's Invention Workshop.

SC276: Hey, we have a limit, buddy! Two OCs per chapter!

JofY: Didn’t the first chapter have like six?

They checked and met up with Shorty Thinking, who was inventing more of advanced and effective fireworks for Equestria's Celebration Holidays.

SC276: Great, another Brain guy.

Icy explained the situation to him about what really happen while Shorty was working.

Scarlet: Shorty Thinking and Poorly Writing sound like the pair who collabed on this story.

Shorty sighed, "Sorry, Icy. I'm an inventor and strategist to Water Tiger Kingdom,

SC276: “I AM OHM PHLEGM POT CLEANER TO FROND ELVEN KING.”

CaptainPipqueak: Me Grimlock!

not a matchmaker. I don't know much of who is good for Rarity."

Sweetie Belle sighed, "Not one? Come on. There has to be one."

SC276: Why are you asking an inventor about love life?

JofY: Because instead of finding the best boyfriend, they’re going to make it!

"Well, there is-" Putting his glass down, Shorty Thinking took a closer look on firework rocket's flank as he move the wire slowly and gently in putting together with it;

SC276: Why does the firework have a butt?

"-Spike. I heard that he used to have a 'crush' on her. Why not ask him to help out?"

Scarlet: [Shorty] “I mean, who would understand romance better than a drake who’s barely out of elementary school?”

Icy smiled, "Good idea."

JofY: Pedophilia, and bestiality. The best ideas.

"Got problem," Sweetie Belle said in concern,

SC276: When suddenly, Russia.

"Spike's with Twilight. They're making for some Hearth's Warming Eve."

SC276: Meanwhile, we’re making for the border.

"Well, that's too bad. There's nothing I can do," Shorty Thinking said as he put the rocket aside.

Scarlet: [Shorty] “I mean, unless you want me to take the Carousel Boutique by storm using only myself and three bottle-rockets.”

"Speaking of 'nothing'," Icy said curiously, "Aren't you going to have some holiday after the work?"

"Not really. I'm busy. I can't afford to slack off. My home may require my service. I have to be ready."

SC276: And you’re here and not at the aforementioned home because why now?

"Don't you have... 'crush' on Rarity?"

JofY: Excuse me sir, do you have a cup of crushed Rarity?

Shorty Thinking hummed softly while bitten his lips gently, "Sort of..."

Scarlet: How terribly convenient!

"Maybe you should take her out?"

"Nah... I don't think she would take a geek like me out for a date."

Scarlet: Yeah, those geeks. Always with the building of fireworks and siege weapons and planning to defend their kingdoms!

SC276: Yeah, that line just proves he’s gonna be the one. No use fighting fate now.

"Come on..."

"I say 'no', Icy. Please, I'm busy now..." Shorty insisted.

Icy huffed in annoyance at Shorty's ignorance and refusal of taking Rarity's out.

JofY: Her search for an assassin went nowhere.

Instead of disappointing, she smiled; leaving Sweetie Belle confuse.

SC276: Not just her.

"Fine. We're leaving," Icy said calmly as she and Sweetie Belle exited the workshop.

Scarlet: [Icy] “Peace out, bitches, I don’t have to be in this story anymore! Woooo!”

"Icy, what are you doing?" Sweetie Belle asked in worry.

Icy gave Sweetie Belle a smile, "I've got the plan. And you're gonna like it."

SC276: We’re not, most likely.

Sweetie Belle looked worry and confuse of what Icy had said but decided to listen to her plan...

At the frozen lake during the evening, Rarity worn with both pink and white stripes of scarf and a snow hat like she was waiting for someone.

SC276: Well mostly she’s waiting for the ice to break so she can get out of this story...

She sighed in annoyance as she was nervous and worried about meeting her secret admirer since she received this evening.

SC276: Does it really make it a secret admirer if it’s one time? Just feels cheap to me.

JofY: Well, using the word stalker costs more.

While waiting, she spotted a familiar unicorn worn with crimson scarf and goggle entered the area. Rarity gasped in surprise.

Scarlet: Not Tai from Digimon! I didn’t want to do another Displaced fic!

'Shorty Thinking is my secret admirer?' Rarity thought in shock.

SC276: [Rarity] “I thought he was gay!”

Shorty Thinking look surprise and shock, 'Rarity is my secret admirer?!' He gulped in fear as he approached to Rarity's location while smiling in nervous.

SC276: And frowning in ecstatic.

He thought, 'Okay, be polite; don't hurt her feelings.'

Scarlet: [Shorty] “Just tell her you’re gay. It’ll be easy. You can do this.”

Rarity gulped in fear, 'Okay, be polite; don't hurt his feeling.'

Scarlet: [Rarity] “Just tell him you’ve known he’s gay for like six months now and he can stop pretending. It’ll be easy. You can do this.”

Rarity cleared her throat as she nervously said, "Shorty, how are - you?"

JofY: [Shorty] “I’m gay!... Uh... You know… Happy?”

"Hmm... Uh... Oh... Fine," Shorty answered nervously before cleared his throat, "How're about you?"

Rarity smiled nervously, "Good... Good..."

Scarlet: [Shorty and Rarity] “God damn it!”

SC276: Have they fallen through the ice yet?

Shorty and Rarity looked down and stared at the lake for the moment before they looked at each other again. They smiled.

SC276: So, wait, the water isn’t frozen? When it’s winter in Ponyville, where we know it’s like the north U.S. as far as weather?

"So..." Rarity asked nervously, "do you like skating? I was sure that the Water Tiger Kingdom had done this before in their lives."

Scarlet: Every single one of them, including the old and senile!

SC276: Is the lake frozen or not?!

Shorty nervously laughed, "Well, it's true... But-" He bitten his lips hard and shown his nervous and embarrassed crimson face, "I'm not exactly good at it. So, I ashamed to do it."

Scarlet: Don’t laugh, he once lost an ancestor to an honor-suicide brought on by poor skating performance.

Rarity giggled nervously, "It's okay. I'm not used to it too. But I will help. Just follow what I do."

Shorty gulped in worry, "Okay..."

Rarity and Shorty tied up with their snow skating as they were all prepared to skate. As Shorty made his move in skating, his legs shaken as he tried to stable himself on the frozen lake. Trying to stand up, he was shaking hard as he struggled in getting together while standing straight. He fell his head on ice hard.

Scarlet: Quick, roll the credits!

Rarity gasped as she approached to Shorty and helped him up. She then helped and taught him of how the skating works.

SC276: [Rarity] “It’s a bit like a lawnmower. First you yank this cord really hard...”

Each time he tried, he fell to the frozen ice by his face, back or sides very hard. As they both continued, Shorty finally manage in getting use to skating on the ice. He laughed happily as he skated gracefully and gently across the ice.

Scarlet: We’ve secretly replaced the ice on this pond with paper-thin safety glass! Let’s see if they notice.

Rarity giggled happily as she then started in skating with him. Both her an Shorty Thinking skated happily while showing their moves in crossing, jumping and landing on ice gracefully, gently and happily. They both smiled at each other as they continued skating.

Scarlet: Do they just sell scenes like this for a dollar at the local bookstore?

SC276: More like a dime a dozen. Which is cheap as fuck in this economy.

Icy and Sweetie Belle were hiding behind of bushes.

SC276: Do they fart?

They watched and seen what Shorty and Rarity had been doing. The little fillies smiled happily and in relief.

Scarlet: Icy is a filly which was obvious of course.

SC276: This is a direct result of voting for the Fazpony fic. I’m starting to regret that now.

As Both Rarity and Shorty Thinking stopped their skating, they looked at each other's faces. They both smiled in relief and happy for each other's company. All they did was staring and looking at each other.

Scarlet: SC, roll the song clip. You know the one!

SC276: ~And I looked at her… / And she looked at me...~

Unable to wait for long, Sweetie Belle jumped up and screamed, "Aw come on!"

JofY: [Sweetie] “Tell them you’re gay already!”

"SWEETIE BELLE!" Three ponies exclaimed in shock and worry.

Sweetie Belle yelped in shock and worry, "Oops! Hi Rarity..."

SC276: Caught by the meme! The exact opposite of saved by the bell.

"Sweetie Belle?! Were you the one send a letter to me?!" Rarity asked angrily.

SC276: Did the word “to” push the author in the mud and laugh at them as a child?

Sweetie Belle nodded her head. She groaned in annoyance as she marched straight to her younger sister while muttered, "I swear to Celestia's when we get back home, you and I are gonna-!"

Scarlet: Um, wait, how did Sweetie Belle being present remotely indicate she sent the letter?

SC276: And Icy took advantage of the distraction to vamoose, apparently.

Rarity tripped on the ice as she was about to fall down. Seeing her falling, Shorty quickly grabbed her before pulling and holding her up.

JofY: And cut her with the skates he was wearing.

They both gasped in shock as they felt their heart beating quickly and hard while looking at each other for a moment.

Scarlet: Is this in the display case behind the ice-skating love scenes at those bookstores?

They quickly departed while laughed nervously and embarrassed. They then smiled at each other before holding their hooves while looking at each other. Both Icy and Sweetie Belle sighed in relief before heading to meet up with both Rarity and Shorty Thinking.

SC276: I still find it hard to believe she’s just named “Icy.”

"Rarity, I'm sorry for going behind your back to write a secret admirer's letter to you and Shorty," Sweetie Belle apologized.

Scarlet: [Sweetie] “I can’t believe I didn’t realize Shorty was gay!”

Icy nodded her head, "We just want to make you both happy."

SC276: No matter the cost.

"Oh... I can't stay mad, can I," Rarity joked before hugged Sweetie Belle to her, "But I'm happy now. I'm so relief to have a good gift."

Shorty Thinking nodded his head, "Me too. This is the best Hearth's Warming Eve I ever had..."

SC276: ...It just now occurs to me that fireworks are stupid things to have for Christmas.

Rarity and Shorty Thinking leaned close and gave each other a long yet passionate kiss to each other's lips. Both Sweetie Belle and Icy smiled happily.

Scarlet: [Shorty and Rarity] “We instantly regret this decision.”

The End…

Crazy56U: (comes back) Is it over? ...good.

Main Casts:

Jackson Robinson: Shorty Thinking

Crazy56U: I’m… not entirely sure this is a real person, given how Google only gives me results for Jackie Robinson when I try to look him up. ...so, unless Jackie Robinson came back to life and became a voice actor...

Tabitha St. Germain: Rarity

Claire Corlett: Sweetie Belle

Kristen Belle: Icy

Scarlet: And introducing Adam Ant!

Crazy56U: Oh, hey, it’s Veronica Mars. ...‘kay...

Preview:

CaptainPipsqeak: Next time, on a very special episode of Clone High...

My Guardian Bat: Fluttershy was asked by Cheerilee to perform a beautiful song at the school but refused due to her stage fright. Can Terrorcreep help and convince her to perform in singing? Will his appearance affect the school?

Scarlet: I’m just going to take this box of bad touch jokes, set it down next to me, and pull them out as the need arises.

SC276: ...Terrorcreep. Terrorcreep. That’s… *chokes a bit* Mykan’s names are less stupid. There, I fucking said it!

Crazy56U: ...yeah, no. ...again. (gets up and leaves)

Review and Suggest...

SC276: STOP. NOW.

Short 5: My Guardian Bat

JofY: Or as it’s otherwise known, “My Guardian Chicken of the Cave”

During the morning, Fluttershy was checking on all of the animals as they were all heading straight to the small and big caves, trees' holes and more shielding area for them.

Scarlet: In order to avoid winter’s AoE.

JofY: Quick! Get to the cover!

She was helping and making sure that all of the animals had the comfortable and good place for them to take the hibernation.

SC276: And move it someplace else.

But some animals like ducks and birds were leaving the area while migrating to the dry and warm area for them to live and stay.

Scarlet: Those ungrateful bastards would be hunted down and shot in good time.

Other than her helping the animals, Terrorcreep also helped her in checking on the animals.

SC276: The animals the animals, the animals. The animals? The animals!

JofY: The animals.

While they were checking, she hummed softly yet harmonically during their working. Most of the animals smiled happily as they listened to her while moving and entering their sheltering areas.

Scarlet: I know that’s supposed to be Fluttershy there, but the sentence confusion makes me think Terrorcreep is actually a Disney Princess.

SC276: Is there a lesbian pairing in this fic? I would like to know that straight-up.

Terrorcreep smiled as he looked and listened to her beautifully voice in singing and humming. He also decided to join in singing as well.

SC276: And then all the animals ran away.

Both Fluttershy and Terrorcreep continued humming and singing while working for nearly an hour.

JofY: They were both losing their voices by now.

Aftermath, they both took a break in resting. They took a sip of water.

Scarlet: A little glass of water, please?

SC276: ~A fresh-pressed hanky if I sneeze...~

Terrorcreep turned and looked at Fluttershy, "That was impressive, Fluttershy. Your voice of singing have touch my soul..."

Scarlet: There is no chance to escape make you time.

SC276: Despite being a couple and Fluttershy always being a great singer, this is the first time he’s heard it.

Fluttershy smiled before nuzzling on his head, "Thank you. That was very kind of you, Terrorcreep."

SC276: Everyone else is finding it ridiculous that she’s supposed to be saying that with affection, right?!

"Fluttershy, there was something I ask."

"What is it?"

"If you had a sweet angel voice, why won't you go for the audition? This will help you achieve more success..."

Scarlet: [Terrorcreep] “And then we’ll go all the way to the top, baby! Think about it, you and me kid!”

SC276: He’s dating her, and he can’t figure that out himself?

Fluttershy yelped in fear before shaken in fear and worry, "Me?! Audition?!" She gulped in worry before shaking in fear, "I don't think I can do it. I really can't."

Sensing fear within her body, he spoke calmly and firmly, "Was the fear of going to the stage doubt your ability or disapprove from the audience?"

JofY: Surely, it’s not because you just don’t want to do it.

CaptainPipsqeak: Don’t call her ‘Shirley’.

Fluttershy sighed before nodded her head. He sighed, "I know how you feel, Fluttershy. You shouldn't let fear get to you. You can do it."

Scarlet: Shia Labeouf briefly considered making a cameo here but decided his image couldn’t take the hit.

"I know... But I can't. I'm sorry."

SC276: End the chapter now. End the chapter now!

"Fluttershy... There are times you need to do it; not for yourself but for others. Because if you don't, there will be sadness and pain."

JofY: Yes, the fate of millions depends on you, doing karaoke.

CaptainPipsqueak: And the fate of billions rests on you saying ‘No.’

Fluttershy thought of the moment before she sighed, "I guess. I can try, Terrorcreep."

SC276: Those OCs, they drive me to drink!

Terrorcreep had his bat wings in grabbing and covering Fluttershy's body before smiling at her, "Everything will be fine. I promise."

Scarlet: And Terrorcreep has grabbed someone. Bad Touch Joke #1, go! *tosses it into the air*

Fluttershy smiled. She liked Terrorcreep so much for showing his smile and reassuring, even though he was just an undead yet Vampire Mystic Pony.

SC276: This is morning, right? Which means unless he’s following Marceline rules, Fluttershy’s dating a Twilight pastiche.

To her, she was his Prince Charming. Both Fluttershy and Terrorcreep gave each other a gentle nuzzle.

Scarlet: I’m sorry, but now I’m picturing Fluttershy starring in an Utena crossover and actually that doesn’t sound terrible.

CaptainPipsqueak: Whatever works for you.

Both Fluttershy and Terrorcreep were on their way back to the cottage. They both spotted Discord talking with Cheerilee. They headed off to the house at once.

"Discord? Miss Cheerilee? Can I help you or something?" Fluttershy asked curiously.

Scarlet: What is this, the gathering of alternate ships?

SC276: Isn’t that called a harbor?

JofY: No, it’s just a pier.

Discord gasped in surprise as he dashed and scooped his best friend up before giving his excited and happy face, "Fluttershy! Thank goodness you're here!" He hugged her tightly and passionately, "You won't believe what Miss Cheerilee is here for!"

Scarlet: *holds up Discord’s excited and happy face* God, these things are so easy to detach in this story!

"So what is it?" Fluttershy asked.

Discord cleared his throat as he put her down to the ground gently. He then had his tail pushed Cheerilee to the front of Fluttershy. He answered, "I want to say. But I hate to be spoiler."

SC276: So be rotter.

He turned and gave Cheerilee a gleeful smile, "Go ahead. Tell her. It's special and amazing..."

Scarlet: Shhh, be careful everyone. They can sense our disappointment.

Cheerilee smiled while having her eyes rolled up, "Okay, Discord. Fluttershy, the stage manager hired you for the school."

JofY: “Without your permission.” (What the hell?)

She gave Fluttershy a narrowed eyes and shown a sly smirk. Fluttershy looked confuse as she placed her ears before Cheerilee. Cheerilee exclaimed happily, "You've been made as the Singer for our Hearth's Warming Eve."

"WHAT?!" Fluttershy gasped in shock and worry while jumped up high.

Scarlet: You know, as Fluttershy is wont to do.

SC276: Dick move, stage manager!

Fluttershy then slammed to the ground hard. She covered herself with her hooves while shaking in fear and worry. Discord, Cheerilee and Terrorcreep looked at her in both shock and worry.

SC276: Worry worry, worry. Worry? Worry! I’m doing this a lot this fic, it feels like!

Cheerilee turned and looked at both Terrorcreep and Discord, "I thought she would be happy."

Scarlet: [Cheerilee] “I’ve never met her before in my life!”

Discord shrugged, "Something tells me that she's still not ready for the stage."

"Tell me something I don't know," Terrorcreep said sarcastically.

SC276: Hey, dumb-name, we’re the ones that get to snark around here!

He then lowered himself down as he spoke with Fluttershy, "Fluttershy, please. The students need you now."

JofY: They’ll die if you don’t perform!

"I can't. I can't do it." Fluttershy protested.

"You promise me that you'll try."

SC276: She didn’t “promise” shit.

"I know. But I'm not ready. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't."

Scarlet: The mantra I repeat every time I start a riff!

"Please Fluttershy," Discord begged while giving his big yet cutie eyes, "I beg of you. Please sing. Sing for these kids. You wouldn't want to disappoint them now, would you?"

SC276: Oh you shush, you three-year-old’s drawing.

Cheerilee nodded her head in agreement, "Please, Fluttershy. We need you. You can do it."

Scarlet: Attempts to reach Shia Lebeouf were met with failure.

SC276: But nobody came.

Fluttershy shook her head hard, "I'm sorry. I won't. I can't do it."

"Fluttershy..." Terrorcreep said in concern and worry. He hissed in pain while clenched on the ground hard. He had some thoughts as he spoke, "If you won't do it, then I will."

Scarlet: [Terrorcreep] “Don’t laugh, I’ll just do some shit from Phantom of the Opera!”

Fluttershy, Discord and Cheerilee gasped in shock and surprise of what Terrorcreep had said.

"No! You can't!" Fluttershy protested.

JofY: “We’re still finding bodies from the last time you tried.”

Cheerilee nodded her head, "In truth, Terrorcreep; This play involved only Fluttershy as a sweet Angel who sang the song of Harmony for everyone to listen and calm down from the argument. And above all, everyone who fights made peace. This is very special for tonight's celebration."

Scarlet: [Cheerilee] “We cast her, made her costume, and built the sets all without her knowledge or consent!”

[Discord] *thumbs-up*

"She has the point," Discord nodded his head while reading the script, "though there is a room for a stallion to play. He can be placed as the jealous ravaging Demon who wants attention but turned back by most of ponies as threat.

Scarlet: [Discord] “Not exactly my best idea, I admit. Maybe if the demon was actually several hundred talking mice operating as a gestalt entity…”

JofY: Nah. Already been done.

Scarlet: Holy shit, you read The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents too?

But because of what an angel did, she had touch his heart and be together as one. It is after all called 'Angel and Demon of Winter'. That's an interesting story I might say..."

SC276: [Discord] “And given the tread of terrible authors writing plays, it’s totally not a recreation of how you two actually started dating.”

Please Fluttershy," Terrorcreep lowered down before Fluttershy, "Sing. I will be there for you. I can sing with you together."

Scarlet: [Terrorcreep] “Sing, my Angel of Music! Sing for me!”

SC276: Maybe once you get a new starting quotation mark.

Fluttershy looked down as she had thoughts before looked at Terrorcreep, "Do you think I can do it?"

Terrorcreep smiled, "Leave everything to me..."

Scarlet: Aaand I think that’s creepy enough for Bad Touch joke number two!

Fluttershy hummed in concerned yet softly. Cheerilee turned and looked at Discord as she hoped he has the answer. He turned and whistled innocently while shrugged.

SC276: [Discord] “Don’t look at me, for once a tense change isn’t my fault.”

During the night, most of adult and children ponies had been gathered at the stage which was neared to the Ponyville Schoolhouse.

JofY: The hunt had begun to find the rest.

Everyone chatted happily with each other. Some commented and discussed about the play 'Angel and Demon of Winter'.

Scarlet: “Can you believe they’re actually using our tax dollars to produce this crap?”

SC276: “Did the play about the founding of Equestria just not get funding this year or something?”

Behind the curtains, Terrorcreep was dressed in his demon warlord robe while his makeup was pure black with white circles and crimson stripes like Chinese Opera Actor's Makeup.

Scarlet: You know, as was traditional in Ponyville.

SC276: Does he have prop wings and horn so we can call red-and-black alicorn OC?

Fluttershy dressed in her western angel's robes. They both were ready to perform. Stage Manager Light Purple Unicorn

JofY: ...BAHAHAHAHA! I don’t think I could have come up with a funnier name in this fic!

Scarlet: Her parents eventually apologized to her, but no amount of ‘sorry’ was ever enough.

SC276: Are you kidding me, you have like a baker’s dozen of named OCs in here and you couldn’t come up with something for this guy?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Although he prefers to be called ‘Ralph’.

with blond, Cheerilee, Discord and Fluttershy were there as well. They were having some discussion with him.

Discord swooped and whispered to Terrorcreep's left eye,

SC276: Because ponies hear with eyes now.

"I hope this plan of yours work. Hopefully, she will do it."

CaptainPipsqueak: “Or something...unfortunate will happen to a family member.”

"Yes. I hope so too..." Cheerilee asked curiously.

Scarlet: FOUL! Spoken sentence does not match the chosen verb! Author! Five line penalty, still fifth chapter!

JofY: Doesn’t that mean he has five more lines to write?... YOU BASTARD! You’re gonna make us read more!?

Scarlet: Why does everyone keep thinking that means more and not less?

Terrorcreep smirked, "Just stay back and enjoy the show."

Stage Manage sighed in defeat, "I give up." He cleared his throat, "Places, everyone!"

The Stage Actors galloped at once as they prepared themselves for the show. Discord and Cheerilee exited the backstage while leaving both Terrorcreep and Fluttershy to speak.

Scarlet: [Fluttershy] “I resent all of you.”

[Terrorcreep] “What now, dear?”

[Fluttershy] “Nothing.”

"I hope you know what you're doing," Fluttershy said in concern.

SC276: I highly doubt that.

Terrorcreep kissed on her forehead, "Trust me, my dear. Everything will be fine."

SC276: Solely because the author wills it. Because logic left about halfway through that last chapter.

Reluctantly to accept it, Fluttershy nodded her head before following him to the stage. The play 'Angel and Demon of Winter' was about to start…

Scarlet: Some of Joss Whedon’s earlier work is best forgotten.

Everyone gathered and sat on their benches as the play was about to start. Below the stage, the musicians played their instruments harmonically and calmly. The crimson curtain pulled aside. The brown hooded cloak came out before removed the hood. It was none other than Zecora.

Scarlet: Played for us this evening by a brown cloak, apparently.

SC276: Oh god, the character requiring rhyme and meter as written by this author.

JofY: Why does my mind fill with hate?

"Greetings, my little pony,"

JofY: You failed fic. Any miniscule chance you had to succeed has vanished. You are dead to me.

Zecora spoke calmly, "For tonight, you shall witnessed a tale; a tale of a rampaging demon and the kindhearted angel. Now shall the tales begins after our kingdom formed as one: Equestria."

SC276: Pretty sure that didn’t rhyme. Pretty sure that didn’t rhyme.

Zecora moved aside. Another crimson curtain was pulled aside again as it begin the show.

Scarlet: The crimson curtain’s got a wicked stand-up routine, but we’re not going to leave it on stage for that. There are kids in the audience!

The area revealed to be an ancient and old days of Equestria where three types of ponies were one and united. Most of them work as the farmers, workers, soldiers, business ponies, teachers, entertainers, traders and more.

Scarlet: Assassins! High-class escorts! Meteorologists! Riffers!

JofY: Comedians! Athletes! Reporters! Hobos!

CaptainPipsqueak: That weird quiet guy who lives across the street!

Some were having fun with each other by singing, playing, dancing, grooving and doing what they wanted.

JofY: They’ve gone off script.

CaptainPipsqueak: “...smoking pot, having unprotected sex, listening to that evil rock n’ roll music…”

Most of the foals were playing with each other for the games, studying their books or working with their masters and parents.

Zecora: The tale you hear

Is the beginning of our ancestors

A once ravaged land

Has turned to harmonic

Scarlet: Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

CaptainPipsqueak: She no rhyme. Why she no rhyme?

Zecora: No hatred, no anger, no rage

Can be seen…

JofY: Then you just aren’t looking hard enough.

The Harmony of Heart

Reigned over the land…

Scarlet: Zecora, the hell mare? Aren’t you contractually obligated to give us shitty rhymes in a fic like this?

RingmasterJ5: “Zecora, the Hell Mare” would probably be a much better fic.

SC276: This isn’t free-verse beat poetry night here, zebra-girl!

Zecora: Ponies of all Three

stand as one...

None has breached its

Harmony…

Scarlet: Then one day I found the Blue Card, and everything changed.

During the winter, the ponies continued their usual business and doings while preparing their very first celebration for Hearth's Warming Eve.

Scarlet: The end.

BOOM!

JofY: Oh, sh- We’re under attack!

The ponies gasped in shock and surprise. They looked up and spotted the clouds had darkne.

JofY: It will be dark soon.

They were in shock and fear as they witnessed the appearance of Terrorcreep as Demon Vampire Pony

SC276: So, male Marceline as a horse.

dressed in his black and darken Chinese Warlord's Robe. He hissed in anger. He shown his pure hatred, anger and raged while glaring at the ponies.

Scarlet: Shit, run! It’s a Noh performance!

Zecora: The land was struck

By the appearance of a Demon

He who shows no heart for them

He cares nothing.

For he was pure angered

By their happiness and joy

Scarlet: African shaman telling the history of a mostly European culture through Asian performance methods. Ponyville is nothing if not culturally diverse.

CaptainPipsqueak: She no rhyme. Why she no rhyme?

A Demon smirked darkly and evilly

SC276: Not the one on stage, there was another one watching from the audience.

before chuckling and darkly as he cast and unleash a dark spell on the ponies. Most of them argued with each other. Some fought and battled with each other to the death.

Scarlet: Yeah, stocking items to cure Rage seems like such a low priority right up until the boss begins spamming it!

Zecora: To entertain his amusement

A fight they have

He cast a spell

A spell of hatred

Till he's satisfied…

Scarlet: Well, now we know what drew us to this story in the first place!

SC276: Oh my god, if you’re not going to actually rhyme, stop talking.

SC276: Will someone slap him? I think his needle’s stuck.

As the fight continued between three tribes, the Demon smirked darkly and evilly. He chuckled darkly.

Demon: At long last...

Your happiness has turn to

Pure hatred and anger

It feeds me…

Scarlet: The ‘your riffs only make me stronger’ bit is always a bluff. I’m calling it!

SC276: I raise!

I will live on...

I shall make this world...

Be mine...

Demon chuckled evilly while looking at most of ponies fighting and arguing with each other for two weeks. As they continued battled, the blood spilled out from their bodies and mouths.

SC276: Now keep in mind this is being played by elementary schoolers.

JofY: Wait till act two when they start fornicating.

Demon smirked evilly and darkly.

Scarlet: You know. For kids!

Demon: Everything goes right...

Everything I desire...

Has come true!

Scarlet: [Demon] “I got a Playstation 4 for Hearth’s Warming! Yayyyyyyy!”

?: No... Please... No...

Let them go…

JofY: Bizmillnah! No we will not let them go!

Let them go…

JofY: Bizmillnah! We will not let them go!

Let them go…

JofY: Bizmillnah! We will not let them go!

Scarlet: No, no, no no, no, no.

SC276: ~Let them go, let them go… Can’t hold it back anymore...~

Demon yelped in shock as he looked up and spotted a bright light shined from the clouds.

JofY: It’s called: the sun.

As the cloud departed and revealed the concerned and worried Fluttershy dressed in her white robe and flowery crown-like on her head. She continued singing as the ponies were freed from Demon's Dark Spell. They turned and looked at the event.

Scarlet: But their levels were too low, and they could not participate without grinding for EXP.

SC276: But from killing each other, they probably have plenty of LV by now.

Zecora: There she is...

A heroines from Heaven...

Answers our prays...

The Angel has come...

Angel stood before the Demon. She bowed and begged while Demon snarled in anger as both of them talked...

JofY: Well that’s just rude.

or singing of the discussion…

Scarlet: Welp, here we go again. Musical barrage mode, engage!

SC276: Oh god, singing from an author that can’t fucking rhyme, this is going to SUCK.

Angel: Please, O' Mighty Demon...

Lift your Dark Spell...

These ponies need no wars...

Suffer they had enough...

They deserve the peace...

Let them go…

Scarlet: ~Let them go, let them go! Don’t hold them back anymore~

Demon: Never!

Never shall I let them go!

They shall not be freed!

I shall not tolerate it!

They shall pay the price!

They shall make me satisfied!

Scarlet: ~You who called me brother, why must you cast down another blow?/Is this what you wanted?~

SC276: This is turning into that Goddess of Spring Silly Symphony.

Angel: Please let them go...

They've done nothing wrong to you.

They've know nothing of you.

They've meant no harm to you…

Scarlet: ~Thus saith the Lord!~

Demon: Harm they have brought upon me!

Happiness brought wrought upon me!

Peace knows nothing of my needs!

Joy brought me harm and pain!

I stand not much longer!

I demand the war!

I demand their blood!

I demand their darkness

To feed me!

Scarlet: ~Cuz I’m just a sweet transvestite/From transexual, Transylvania~”

Angel: Please let them go...

Anger brings no needs to you...

Your heart shall be empty...

If war you desire...

The ponies shall be dead...

No lives can be found...

I beg you of their freedom...

I beg you of their peace...

I beg you of their happiness...

Take me…

Scarlet: ~Down to the Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty!~

SC276: This is barely a song.

Demon [shock]: Why? Why must you do it?

Scarlet: ~I hope you’re happy! I hope you’re happy now!/I hope you’re proud of how you’ve hurt your cause forever, I hope you think you’re clever!~

SC276: ~I hope you’re happy! I hope you’re happy too! / I hope you’re proud of how you would grovel in submission, to feed your own ambition!~

What do you desire for these mere mortals?

They were nothing but weakling and tools to us.

We, Immortals, are great and powerful

Must we care for these fools?!

RingmasterJ5: ~Tom, listen to yourself, then listen carefully to me/If you replace the working parts, you get a different machine~

Angel [Firm]: They are not fools!

They are no tools to us!

They are no weak to us!

They have something that you understand nothing.

Scarlet: ~Nothing but the blood of Jeeeeeesus!~

Demon: What understanding must I understand?!

Angel: A song of Heart…

Scarlet: ~Don’t dream it, be it~

Demon looked surprise of what Angel had said. She cleared her throat as she sang harmonically and happily. The song she sang was completely different as if it came from different country.

Scarlet: It came from a land down under. Where women glow and men thunder!

As the song she sang, the ponies listened to her and even Demon. As he listened, his anger and hatred slowly melted and seen her something special to him.

Angel: I understand your pain

You suffered too long

You need not pure anger

To survive

Scarlet: ~and stalk his prey in the night/And he’s watching us all with the Eyeeeeee! Of the Tiger!~

Life is not about hate and rage

But joy and love in your heart

What you did makes no better

What you want hurts innocents

Scarlet: ~He had it coming! He had it coming! He only had himself to blame!/If you’da been there- if you’da seen it! I betcha you would have down the same!~

SC276: ~And everyone said “Sit down / Sit down, you’re rockin’ the boat…”~

What you did was pain

So, please stop...

Bring good deeds to this world...

Free them from your cruel

Let them go…

Scarlet: ~Let them Go, turn away and slam the door!~

In return, I shall teach..

I shall guide you...

I shall help you...

I shall be with you...

I shall be your friend…

Scarlet: ~Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun! Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood~

Demon [shock]: Friend?

What word you spoke?

A word that touch my heart.

What feelings I felt?

I never felt before.

Scarlet: ~What is this feeling so sudden and new?~

SC276: ~I felt the moment I laid eyes on you...~

Scarlet: ~My pulse is rushing!~

SC276: ~My head is reeling!~

Scarlet: ~My face is flushing! What is this feeling?~

SC276: ~Fervid as a flame, does it have a name…?~

Both: ~Loathing! Unadulterated loathing!~

Angel: It's 'love'

Scarlet: Oh come on Fluttershy, we just did the entire damn beginning of the duet!

It's what makes us happy and strong...

It comes from your Heart.

Loneliness you can never be...

You have a friend...

SC276: Love at first sight between an angel and a devil. The stuff of melodrama.

Demon thought of what Angel had said, he sighed in defeat as he lifted the Dark Spell on the ponies. They smiled happily and cheered happily. He turned and looked at the Angel who smiled at him. He smiled.

Scarlet: ~All I wanna make you do is smile, smile, smile…~

Demon: I don't know how...

But for the first time...

I did right for these mortals...

I felt joy and happy...

Is this how Mortal feels?

Scarlet: Loathing. Unadulterated. Loathing.

Angel: Yes...

It is our true needs...

And you shall never be in pain

Nor alone, my friend…

Scarlet: ~Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better, but because I knew you/I have been changed for good~

Demon smiled: I have two words...

Thank you…

Scarlet: There’s a hole in the world. It’s a deep black pit. It is filled with fanfics that are filled with shit. Every line of this song inhabits it.

SC276: No, that would require calling it a song!

Demon smiled as he bowed before Angel while she returned a bow to him. The ponies cheered wildly and happily.

Zecora: A tale you have seen...

A lesson you shall learn…

Scarlet: ~Careful the things you say/Children will listen~

Loneliness can be friends...

Anger can be happy...

And soon, harmony is where it starts...

Till the end...

As the scene went black, the crimson curtain closed down.

SC276: Quick, while no one can see, kill the cast!

JofY: Huh? I’m sorry, I zoned out. What happened?

Everyone cheered wildly and happily while giving applause to the play. Discord whistled happily before flying out. Cheerilee clapped her hooves happily.

"Now that's an act! Fluttershy did it!" Cheerilee cheered.

Scarlet: Screw Fluttershy, applaud me! Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it was to read through all that?

SC276: *applauds Scarlet* Bravo! Bravo!

The curtain opened again. It revealed Terrorcreep, Fluttershy and the casts

SC276: How many ponies took “break a leg” literally...?

as they gave a bow to the audience. They stood up. Fluttershy looked at Terrorcreep while smiling. She then gave him a hug.

"Thank you so much," Fluttershy thanked happily.

Terrorcreep smiled before nuzzling her head, "I told you to trust me. Your voice inspired them.

JofY: Huh? Inspired them to do what?

And now for the special gift from me to you."

Scarlet: Bad touch joke number three!

"From me as well," Fluttershy smiled.

Terrorcreep and Fluttershy leaned and kissed on each other's lips before flying up to the moon.

SC276: Maybe you’ll find some bananas…!

JofY: Celestia was trying a new form of banishing.

The moon shined brightly upon them. Discord worn a cupid robe while holding his bow and cupid arrow. He turned and glanced at the readers.

Scarlet: DISCORD, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! Get back behind that fourth wall right now!

"Don't you just love 'Vampire' and 'Girl' relationship? This is way better than 'Twilight' Franchise.

SC276: No, Twilight at least had complete freakin’ sentences with all the words!

JofY: At least Twilight had an actual story.

And I meant the drama film," Discord commented before blinked his right eye, "Tata! Enjoy your Christmas, readers."

Scarlet: I’m going to convert to Islam and start celebrating Ramadan instead just to spite you.

Crazy56U: (comes back) ...I take it I missed a fun one?

The End...

Main Casts:

Matthew Mercer: Terrorcreep

Crazy56U: Jesus, how can you “go” from There Will Be Brawl to this mess...

Adrian Libman: Fluttershy

John de Lancie: Discord

Nicole Oliver: Cheerilee

Lee Tocker: Stage Manager

Crazy56U: Hey, Gummy. ...again...

Brenda Circhlow: Zecora

Scarlet: And Bernadette Peters as the voice of Rita!

Crazy56U: And Onion Bubs as himself.

Preview:

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Next time, on an all-new Stargate...

Party in a Town: Pinkie is now a Scrooge, and refused to make a party for Hearth's Warming Eve.

SC276: BECAUSE PLOT!

Crazy56U: What, did she get bitten by a Radioactive Ebenezer Scrooge, or something?!

Cheese Sandwich, Tailtech and future Flare Tiger

Crazy56U: (gets up) ... No, no, not yet... (sits back down)

are on the job to solve the mystery and finding why she was behaving 'Scrooge'.

JofY: So harsh that it ain’t grammar.

Crazy56U: ...did she get bitten by a Radioactive Scrooge?!

CaptainPipsqueak: ~Pinkie Scrooge, Pinkie Scrooge, does whatever a… um…~

Can they solve the problem before it's too late to make a party?

Scarlet: And more importantly, will anyone else make it far enough into the riff to find out?

Crazy56U: Let me guess, they “Christmas Carol” the fuck out of this?

Review and Suggest...

CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, I don’t think he’s even listening to us anymore.

SC276: You’ve already proven you suck at doing anything resembling a decent story. Don’t ruin A freakin’ Christmas Carol. Particularly with the character least likely to go Scrooge on us.

Crazy56U: Here’s a review for ya! (gets up and leaves)

SC276: Aaaaand that’s triple word score.

Reference:

The whole song is completely original, no parody or sources; though it was inspired by both Mama Mia and The Phantom of Opera 2004's soundtrack.

Scarlet: die the death sentenced to death the great equalizer is death.

SC276: Whoa there, witch-boy. You’re gonna hurt someone doing that.

Scarlet: That’s the point.

SC276: I was thinking more of the risk hurting you. Or me. Especially me.

Short 6: Party in a Town

SC276: ~The party’s in a town, the party’s in a town...~

Hearth's Warming Eve was here on Ponyville.

SC276: Also, are all these shorts happening at roughly the same time?

Everyone was preparing the party for the holiday's celebration. They were happy and relief to have it so much.

JofY: Hold on a sec... We have too much relief. Send it back. Send it back.

But one was not.

SC276: The Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville?

At the Sugarcube Corner, Mrs Cake was knocking on Pinkie's door twice.

Scarlet: Remember- always double tap.

"Pinkie Pie, please!" Mrs. Cake called, "Hearth's Warming Eve is here! We have to start the decorating the house and the area now. Please come out. Ponyville needs you."

"Not coming out! I'm not coming out!" Pinkie cried angrily. She huffed loudly, "So not in the mood!"

SC276: Neither am I, yet I go to the family Christmas party anyway.

"Pinkie... Care to tell me? I can help you." Mrs. Cake asked in concern.

"No! Not telling! Never will! HUMBUG!" Pinkie cried in anger before giggled a bit. Mrs. Cake yelped in worry. She continued, "It's kinda fun being Ebezener Scrooge..."

JofY: Congratulations! You’ve made your protagonist an ass, and unrelatable!

Mrs. Cake placed her right ear on the door as she listened to what Pinkie had said. Pinkie shouted, "When someone is grumpy and angry as I am! And I REALLY AM ANGRY! You think you're happy?! I'm not! I'm so not!"

Scarlet: The drama of this story will be resolved in about five minutes when everyone realizes Pinkie has discovered the concept of trolling.

SC276: May God have mercy on our souls.

Frightened and shocked by Pinkie's tone, Mrs. Cake was scared, "Oh dear... What has happen to you..."

SC276: Complete OOCness, from the looks of it. I prescribe twelve years of primary school. For the author.

At the restaurant's ground floor, Mrs. Cake was talking with Mr. Cake about Pinkie's latest and recent behavior while she was feeding some porridge to both Pumpkin and Pound Cakes. Mr. Cake looked worry as he looked up at the stairs.

JofY: ‘Did I remember to child-proof these?’

"What has gotten into Pinkie? I haven't heard such things since 'Gummy's Second Party Problem' and 'Rainbow Dash's Party Competition'. Something has happen to her long before meeting us."

Scarlet: Oh no, we are not going to visit childhood pie trauma!

JofY: Hmm… These events are clearly similar to other events before. Must be her past.

"Or maybe last year," Mrs. Cake added. She sighed, "What are we gonna do? We can't just start decorating the house or Ponyville without her help. She's the best Party Organizer Ponyville has ever had before."

Mr. Cake sighed, "I understand, honey. But what can we do?

JofY: How about hiring someone else?

She won't open her mind to us."

Scarlet: [Mrs. Cake] “I’ll go get the hypnotist.”

SC276: [Mrs. Cake] “I’ve heard good things about this ‘Trance’ fellow.”

[Mr. Cake] “Wasn’t he murdered like a decade ago?”

"If she doesn't, then Ponyville will be... partiless. Not sure if there's such a word."

SC276: Well you just said it.

Heard of what their parents had said, both Pound and Pumpkin Cakes cried in despair loudly.

SC276: *looks at the Monokuma plush* ...Yeah, uh, I don’t think this is doing it for him.

Seeing the children cried, both Mr. and Mrs. Cake grabbed them both while patted them gently and calmly. The Cakes then looked at each other with their worried looks.

Scarlet: Fortunately, they’d still had those on hand.

"What are we gonna do? We need to do something for her," Mrs. Cake said in concern.

SC276: Well for starters, don’t put your fic through Google Translate.

Mr. Cake hummed softly as he had some thoughts. He smiled, "I think I know someone who can help us to solve the problem."

SC276: An editor?

CaptainPipsqueak: A liter of vodka? I call mine “Comrade.”

Mrs. Cake looked surprise of what her husband had said. Both Pumpkin and Pound Cakes giggled happily as they said 'two words'.

Scarlet: Bull. Shit.

"Pinkie... Happy..."

In the world of darkness,

SC276: Vampire: the Masquerade or Changeling: the Lost?

Scarlet: Personally I like Werewolf: The Apocalypse. For Gaia!

a spotlight turned on and shined on someone from the stage. Cheese Sandwich was dressed in his detective suits and worn fedora hat and black sunglasses while his boneless rubber chicken was also dressed in his black suit and sunglasses as well.

Scarlet: Half a point for adorably cute idea with crummy execution. Then minus all the points for a visual gag in a text-based medium.

"I smell danger. I hear disturbance. I see pain," Cheese said firmly before smirked,

RingmasterJ5: Oh god, reading all these lines in his voice is going to hurt, isn’t it…

JofY: Well, read it in an overly dark Batman voice. So far, it fits.

"There's been recent report that a little girl refused to help and decorate the town's special holiday.

Scarlet: [Cheese] “And also Pinkie Pie, who is clearly not a child!”

Because without her, there won't be any party." He gasped in fear before dramatically posed in pain and sad, "The pain... The horror... The struggle...

CaptainPipsqueak: “...the endless breadsticks…”

SC276: “...the three-component couplets…”

JofY: “...the rock and roll…”

I will help this poor soul!" He show his determined looks while raising his right hoof, "Mark my word. Boneless and I shall solve the crime! This criminal will be brought to justice!"

Scarlet: Cheese Sandwich- the bloodstained destroyer of party poopers.

SC276: He is the night.

WHACK! Cheese yelped painfully as the black world and a spotlight's light turned into Sugarcube Corner's lobby. Cheese rubbed his head gently and calmly as he turned and looked at the unamused and annoyed Tailtech; as well as confused Cake Family.

Scarlet: Tailtech was also there and is apparently a person!

SC276: He’s the boyfriend for this chapter, I’m guessing. Why isn’t he trying to do shit?

"What?" Cheese asked in shock and confuse.

Tailtech groaned in annoyance, "We're not here to solve the crime. We're here to talk with Pinkie; your girlfriend..."

Scarlet: He has a girlfriend?

"I have a girlfriend?" Cheese asked in surprise.

Scarlet: Cheese, buddy! Slow on the uptake, but thanks for joining in!

"Cheese Sandwich!"

SC276: oh my god, they’re having Weird Al date Pinkie, FF.net doesn’t allow RL fanfic...

"Okay. Okay. Okay! Yeesh... No need to get so dramatic. Besides... Being detective is awesome and fun."

Scarlet: Talk about your hard-boiled idiocy.

Tailtech sighed in annoyance, "You're way worse than Laxtinct."

RingmasterJ5: Okay, out of all the weird pony names we’ve seen so far in the fic, that’s the one that just… gets me. Is there any way that name doesn’t have to do with laxatives?

CaptainPipsqueak: Seems kind of apt to me: the story’s already shit.

He turned to Mr. and Mrs. Cakes as he bowed before spoke, "We're glad to be here to help."

"Thank you so much, Tailtech," Mr. Cake smiled happily, "We appreciated so much.

Scarlet: [Mr. Cake] “Nothing you’ve done, mind you. We just appreciated so much in general.”

SC276: “Tailtech” reminds me of Sonic Generations, and why am I not playing that instead of sitting through this nonsense?

Mrs. Cake nodded her head, "Can you help us? We're really worried about Pinkie. I've never seen her like this before in my life."

SC276: Because they were out of town during “Party of One” apparently?

"Do you have any idea of why?" Tailtech asked.

Scarlet: Insert “oh Just look at the time” trollface image here.

Mr. Cake shook his head before spoke, "I'm afraid not. But I do noticed something else..." Both Tailtech and Cheese looked at him. He continued, "Last year's Hearth's Warming Eve, Pinkie went back to her old home for party because of her family reunion.

SC276: That’s not until season 5, author.

And after that, she returned to here. And for the first time in my life, she was pained and upset."

Scarlet: You know. Not counting those other times in the course of the show she’s been pained and upset.

Mrs. Cake nodded her head, "Something bad must have happen to her family or something. We tried to help but she refused to tell us. What has happen to her?"

SC276: Did you freakin’ kill the Pies off offscreen, author? You better not have. I will end you. Somehow.

Tailtech hummed softly before sighed, "There's one thing we can do."

Scarlet: End the story prematurely! Let Pinkie go, you monsters!

"Candies?" Cheese asked happily.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Cyanide capsules? They’re mint-flavoured!”

JofY: Ooh! *Tries one.*

RingmasterJ5: You two aren’t getting out that easily.

Tailtech groaned in annoyance while slapped on his forehead, "No. Talk with Pinkie. Hopefully she's in good to listen and talk to us."

SC276: If she was, she would’ve talked to the Cakes.

"Oh. Sure not a problem," Cheese said happily.

Mr. and Mrs Cakes smiled and sighed in relief, "Thank you so much."

SC276: You’re not welcome.

At Pinkie's Room, it was darken and grayish tone.

SC276: Twas darken and ye grayish tones did gyre and gimble in ye wabe...

Pinkie was no longer a happy or bright pony while having a straight and flatten mane and tail. She was crying and sniffing as she looked at the photo frames.

JofY: Mind you, there weren’t any actual photos in there.

She hummed and vocalized calmly and gently yet sadly.

Scarlet: Oh sweet Cthulhu no.

SC276: Wait, what- oh you’re kidding me

Pinkie: I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I'm OK

But that's not what gets me

Scarlet: This… I… two songs in the same riff? God damn it! I’ve only got so many times the showtunes-barrage gag can be funny!

SC276: OK, one, you can’t kill off the freakin’ Pies, and two, you can’t rhyme a word with itself!

Pinkie cried loudly before grasped and grabbed the photo frame to her body.

RingmasterJ5: Is now really the time for a tears and shot speed up?

SC276: Where’s the freakin’ Hermit, I want outta this dump!

She took a glance on the rest of photo frames which has most of Pie Family Reunion in celebrating their Hearth's Warming Eve. She continued singing.

Pinkie: What hurts the most

Was losing you

I haven't so much to say...

JofY: So don’t say anything.

And seeing you disappeared

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin' to do

Scarlet: Welp, that does it. That was so terrible I actually hated the entire concept of musicals for a full ten seconds. That takes effort.

CaptainPipsqueak: I hate the concept of musicals on general principles - ten minutes of story followed by five minutes of singing.

Scarlet: That’s because you have no soul, apparently watched really crappy musicals, and also this story isn’t helping. You see what you’ve done, author?

SC276: You were at least trying to rhyme before, why do you keep fucking up?!

Pinkie was about to sing but heard a knock on her door.

JofY: What are you talking about, she wasn’t singing… That was lyrical speaking.

She turned and opened it. She found a box in front of her.

JofY: !

She looked to left and right before bringing it in. As she opened it; the colorful streamers, balloons, confetti and banners shot right in her face.

JofY: [Pinkie] “My eye! Oh sweet Celestia, it hit me right in the eye! OWWW!!!”

She heard the party whistle blowing wildly.

Scarlet: Allow me to show you the proper response to this, Pinkie! *slams the door*

Pinkie shaken her body off the confetti and streamers. She gasped in shock and surprise as she found Cheese Sandwich smiling happily while playing his accordion.

SC276: Of course he fits in the box. Because we’re not following any sort of rule whatsoever. Not rule of funny, not rule of logic…

JofY: I’m still thinking of him as Batman.

"Cheese Sandwich?!" Pinkie asked in surprise and shock.

Cheese: Good to see you here,

My dear Pinkie Pie!

Scarlet: oh no. Oh no no no no no. You are not writing shit lyrics for Pony Weird Al.

RingmasterJ5: This is one of the only times I would actually WANT Topher coming in and shooting everyone.

Scarlet: Speak for yourself. I think I’ve still got whiplash from last time!

SC276: Does anyone have a Pokémon with Soundproof?!

JofY: WHAT?

Cheese jumped and hovered over Pinkie before opening the door. Tailtech marched in while sighed in annoyance.

"You know we could just knock the door or rammed it," Tailtech said in annoyance.

Scarlet: [Tailtech] “Right to privacy is not a concept I am familiar with, beep boop.”

Cheese chuckled happily, "Come now. Wouldn't it be much more fun with me to surprise Pinkie?

JofY: EEEK! Criminal! *Starts spraying pepper spray.*

Now we can talk with her."

Pinkie shown her moody and annoying face, Tailtech gulped in fear, "I don't think she's in the mood to talk."

Scarlet: Pinkie doll- now with moody and annoying face! New from Hasbro Bootleggers everywhere!

"Have you come to ask me to do decorating the party?!" Pinkie asked angrily. Both Cheese and Tailtech nodded their heads. She groaned in annoyance before shouted, "Get out of my house now!

JofY: Don’t the Cakes own the place?

HUMBUG!"

SC276: Bah!

"Bugs?! Where?!" Cheese asked in shock.

Tailtech sighed, "She meant 'Not Mood for Hearth's Warming Eve'!"

Scarlet: She must’ve picked up a seasonal job in retail or something.

SC276: Again, I go to the Christmas party anyway!

Cheese chuckled happily while waving Tailtech's worry exclaim. He then brought Pinkie Pie closed to him while laughing happily, "That's crazy. You're crazy, Tailtech.

JofY: Tailtech was then declared Criminally Insane.

Besides, Pinkie and I are cool to do it!"

"So not! HUMBUG!" Pinkie shouted on his ears and his Afro hairs blown out.

Scarlet: And then Pinkie made Cheese Sandwich bald. Not a sentence I expected today.

Cheese gave Pinkie a glare while brushing his flatten and blown hairs down into his Afro Hair. He groaned in annoyance before took a deep breath. He smiled, "Now, now; Pinkie, let's not get into any bad moods.

SC276: Too late.

It's Hearth's Warming Eve! So, let's talk about your problem from last season? How about it?"

Scarlet: Oh shit no! The fourth wall is there for a reason, stop poking your damn heads through it!

"NO! HUMBUG!"

CaptainPipsqueak: Gesundheit!

JofY: Rabbit Season!

"Hearth's Warming Eve!"

"HUMBUG!"

CaptainPipsqueak: Gesundheit!

JofY: Rabbit Season!

"Hearth's Warming Eve!"

"HUMBUG!”

RingmasterJ5: ...I’m just going to stop you two right there, two times was enough.

"Hearth's Warming Eve!"

"Pinkie, please," Cheese snarled while glaring at Pinkie, "Don't push me!"

Scarlet: ~I am warning you, Javert!/ I’m a stronger man by far!/ There is power in me yet/ my race is not yet run!

"No, you don't!" Pinkie exclaimed in anger, "HUMBUG!"

"THAT'S IT!" Cheese exclaimed in anger as he jumped and pounced Pinkie to the ground, "You take that back, You SCROOGE!"

"NEVER! HUMBUG!" Pinkie exclaimed in anger as she pushed Cheese back hard.

Scarlet: For christ’s sake, just agree to get her the stupid BB gun for Christmas! She won’t shoot her eye out!

SC276: ~Christmas! Bah, bug, and hum!~

Cheese fell on Tailtech's back to the ground hard. Pinkie screamed in anger as she jumped and slammed on them both hard.

JofY: Who’s ready for WRESTLEMANIAAAAAAA!?

Three of them started the fight in the puff of smokes and clouds while shouting and exclaiming to each other. They screamed in pain and anger.

SC276: No, that’s us.

As someone cleared her throat, the trio stopped from fighting. They turned to the room's window. They found and spotted Flare Tiger in front of the swirling portal while waving to them.

Scarlet: Oh of course, Flare Tiger. That guy. He’s… um… a Tiger crossed with a Final Fantasy spell.

SC276: That sounds so goddamn made-up it’s almost realistic.

"Flare Tiger? What are you doing here?" Tailtech asked in shock and surprise.

Flare Tiger smiled, "Brought a guest here."

Flare Tiger moved aside and revealed Maud Pie coming out from the portal.

"Maud Pie?" Pinkie asked in shock.

Maud remained calm and firm yet unemotional spoke, "We need to talk... Very serious..."

Scarlet: Must. Resist. Adding. “About rocks.”

SC276: [Maud Pie] “I am the Ghost of Rocks Past.”

JofY: [Maud Pie] “I am also the Ghost of Rocks Present and Future, but they don’t carry the same weight.”

Seeing how Maud talks, Pinkie nodded her head. She agreed to talk with her sister and her friends about the mood she was having lately since Hearth's Warming Eve began.

Everyone had been gathered at Sugarcube Corner

SC276: Weren’t they there already?

as Pinkie explained about what really happen before during her last 'Hearth's Warming Eve'.

Scarlet: If the answer isn’t childhood trauma or murder, I don’t want to hear about it.

"So, what's really going on?" Cheese asked.

Pinkie sighed as she explained, "Like every year of 'Hearth's Warming Eve',

SC276: “...except the one where I was in a play...”

I visited my family for the reunion. It was very special and important for me to do, and especially to my Grandpa Pie."

Everyone but Flare Tiger and Maud Pie were surprised and shocked. Pinkie continued, "Like every year we did; we chat, we sing, we play, we watch, we joked, we wished and we pranked; my family were having so much fun... just before we were about to open the present. And that time... my Grandpa Pie got a heart-attack.

JofY: [Grandpa Pie] “I got you a HRRRNNNGH!”

My mom and dad called the best doctor to save him... but his beating is dying…

SC276: No, The Beat Goes On.

That day... That very day pains me.

JofY: [Pinkie] “Granted, it probably hurt him more, but it’s not like he’s alive to feel it.”

It was my fault of not seeing it! And so... I'd never want to talk about it or deal with this event again.

JofY: [Pinkie] “Nobody knows what I’m going through!”

[Maud] “...”

[Pinkie] “Shut up!”

It's too painful and scary for me to deal with."

Scarlet: Well, I got half my wish! Yay death in the family!

Pinkie sniffed before crying, "It's just... It's just too much for me to handle. I can't. I just can't!"

SC276: And yet we continue riffing.

Pinkie cried in pain and despair.

JofY: [Pinkie] “I stubbed a hoof!”

Everyone looked shock yet pain and saddened by her sad story.

SC276: As are we. This story is sad, in more ways than one.

They looked down in despair.

SC276: *looks at the Monokuma plush and tosses it away* He is not pleased with the offering.

Pound and Pumpkin cried in sadness. Both Mr. and Mrs. Cakes took them up while patted on their backs.

Scarlet: Cheese, don’t you dare start singing.

Maud Pie approached and hugged Pinkie. She departed and explained, "Pinkie... You shouldn't blame yourself. Grandfather Pie needs to go.

JofY: [Maud] “Do you know how much the retirement home’s bills are?”

He can't stay here..."

Scarlet: ~I know who I want to take me home~

SC276: Wait, is he dead or not? I thought he was dead.

"How could you say that," Pinkie asked in shock.

Maud sighed as she explained, "Pinkie... Life is short.

JofY: It’s approximately 6 seconds.

It's impossible to do everything in time." Pinkie looked down. She continued, "It's not perfect too. You can't expect everything to be perfect. All we can do is enjoy what was left here. It's what Grandpa Pie did the most before his passing..."

"I don't understand, Maud..."

Scarlet: Oh look, one of my other riff mantras!

SC276: We don’t either, because the author sucks at English.

"A letter from Grandfather will make you understand, Pinkie," Maud Pie said as she passed the letter to Pinkie.

As Pinkie opened the letter, she read it:

JofY: ‘Q’

'Little Pinkamena Diane Pie,

My little favorite party pony, I'm so proud and happy of what you became. You make me smile. I cannot remember the last time I had this joy while being the Rock Farmer.

JofY: [Letter] ‘...I think I took the wrong career path.’

As you must know, life is short and painful too because it's impossible for us to do anything. My time is coming to the end. But it doesn't scared me because... I want to enjoy my every and last moment of happiness.

Scarlet: “To that end, I have replaced everypony’s toothpaste with garlic paste and trained a rabid wolverine to chew on your father’s hat.”

SC276: I think I want to read that fic.

Life can be sad and pain, but it doesn't mean we should be because... there were other things we can do. And that is to smile and laugh while we still can. Your father told me of how you make the gloomy farm into a happy farm. Because of that, he sent you to Ponyville to make everyone smile and laugh.

SC276: “That, or he just wanted you out. It’s hard to tell sometimes.”

That is one thing I like about you. I like your smile.

Scarlet: “I hope someday to remove it and wear it as a scarf.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “The rest of you can fuck right off.”

It may pained you much... but I cannot be the burden to you or your family. My body may rotten but my spirit shall live to watch over you.

SC276: The vodka is good, but the meat is rotten.

Remember, Pinkie... Do not be saddened by my passing, but to move on and enjoy every last moment of life. Treasure it well. And keep on smiling.

Scarlet: “And remember- always drink your ovaltine.”

JofY: [Pinkie] “Darn.”

Your favorite grandfather,

CaptainPipsqueak: “Which, let’s face it, is a fifty-fifty chance either way…”

Grandpa Pie...'

SC276: Not even anything resembling a proper pony name? Not even one attempt at a rock or earth pun?

As Pinkie lowered the letter down, she sniffed and cried in tears of despair yet joy.

JofY: Hold on a sec. *pulls out megaphone* Hey Maud! Why didn’t you give this letter to Pinkie a year ago!?

She cried and sobbed. Maud Pie approached and gave her younger sister a hug. Everyone that heard the story smiled while crying. Flare Tiger smiled as well before using her handkerchief in wiping her tears off while blowing her nose off.

Scarlet: Also, Flare Tiger is a woman which was mentioned before too.

CaptainPipsqueak: Several minutes were spent searching for Flare Tiger’s nose. It has rolled under the sofa, which is the last place anyone looks.

SC276: The one positive is that this isn’t a rip on A Christmas Carol as I feared. On the other hand, it still freakin’ sucks.

As both Pinkie and Maud Pie departed, Maud spoke, "Pinkie... You're not the only pony missed him. I missed him too.

JofY: “But my aim is-” ...Damn it.

He inspired me so much. I was so happy the treasure he gave me." She sighed, "I know it's painful to accept it but... we have to move and be happy of what we had. It's what our grandfather wants."

Scarlet: Do not feel grief! It is Pie Family Law!

SC276: I’d probably rant about how telling someone to get over something sad is a terrible idea, but it’s been a year.

Pinkie sniffed before she smiled, "I know, Maud. And you're right. Grandpa Pie wouldn't want me to cry and Scroogie,

SC276: That sounds like a Ham-Chat word.

JofY: Ponyville must be home to some terrible, terrible, parents.

he wants me to make everyone smile. I love to see my friends smile."

Maud smiled, "Good to know. And I'm so happy to see you smile. Your smile is my treasure."

Pinkie nodded her head, "And so as yours, Maud. Thank you."

Scarlet: *presses button marked ‘d’awwwwww’* Oh hey, I still had this thing!

Cheese bounced in between Maud and Pinkie

SC276: Like the ball in a game of Pong.

before hugging them both tight, "That's the spirit, everyone! Now that's the problem is clear. We can start decorating the Ponyville! It's Hearth's Warming Eve!"

SC276: I think it’s quite evident by now that English is not this guy’s first language.

Everyone but Maud and Flare Tiger yelped and gasped in shock and worry.

Scarlet: Maud is taciturn, but Flare Tiger genuinely gives no fucks as her time in this fanfic is pretty much contractually taken care of.

SC276: I swear, “Flare Tiger” sounds like some dumb kung-fu move or something. Or maybe I’m thinking of a Maverick.

Pinkie giggled happily, "Yes, it is; Cheesy!

JofY: This fic?

We're gonna celebrate it with everything we have! Life can be short, but never gonna stop me from making everyone smile!"

Maud gave Pinkie a raised right-eye, "Is Cheese Sandwich your boyfriend?"

"Yes. Yes, he is," Pinkie smiled.

"Oh..." Maud Pie said calmly.

SC276: See, she’s not buying it either.

Scarlet: Her heart seethed with jealousy.

Tailtech approached to the trio as he asked, "How are we gonna do it?! We're having a short time to complete it! It's already Hearth's Warming Eve!"

SC276: Hearth’s Warming Cannon?

Flare Tiger giggled in amusement before slapped on Tailtech's back, "Come on, foxy pony!

SC276: If this guy is based on Tails, I’m going to freakin’ kill somebody.

These two are the best party planners Equstria called for! They can do anything, and even impossible possible! With Pinkie's back on her good and happy mood, Ponyville will be decorated! Go Team Party!"

Scarlet: I’d like to reiterate that bit about converting and switching religious holidays out of spite.

"Yeah!" Cheese and Pinkie exclaimed wildly while Maud said unemotionally.

The Cake Family smiled in relief and joy while Tailtech sighed in annoyance about Pinkie Pie.

"Why do I even bother?"

SC276: Why are you bummed, Grinch? Christmas just got saved.

Pinkie and Cheese were riding on the Super Party Canon.

SC276: And lo, said the Lord, there willst be cake.

They fired its thousand canons at the city, towns and areas.

JofY: Uh... Guys... You’re supposed to be doing that to Ponyville.

They were filled with thousands of confetti, streamers, balloons, fun games, masks, drawings and more. As they both continued their work of decorating the area, the citizens of Ponyville cheered happily and wildly to Pinkie and Cheese.

Scarlet: They brought it all back, the gifts and the feast! And Cheese himself carved the Roast Beast.

As the Team Party continued decorating the Ponyville with more of their decorative and creative designs; Cakes Family, Maud, Flare Tiger and Tailtech were standing behind the Sugarcube Corner as they watched the event go.

Mrs Cake sighed in relief, "I'm so relief to see Pinkie go hyper again."

SC276: Just wait till she goes Mega. Then Super, Ultra, Extra, Giga, and eventually Meta.

"Yes. Our Pinkie is back into action. Our only number one assistant," Mr. Cake nodded his head.

Scarlet: Somewhere, Spike feels his title begin to lose value.

"Pinkie Pie..." Pound and Pumpkin cheered happily from Mrs. Cake's baby-holders.

Tailtech turned and looked at Flare Tiger as he asked, "Flare. How did you know Pinkie being upset and asked Maud to help?"

Flare smiled, "Just a hunch."

"A hunch? Seriously?"

SC276: Just call it what it is, author: narrative convenience.

"Eeyup. My tail tingled means something bad had happen from the past. I learned it from the future of mine.

JofY: Fic, what did I say about your OC amounts?

And of course, I knew what really happens to Pinkie before today."

Scarlet: “She gets eaten by a whale! By the way, we’re all in the middle of a time paradox now and Pinkie’s her own grandmother.”

"You knew it?! If you did, why didn't you tell us?! We could have calm her down before we talk. But instead, we get beaten up!"

"What? I checked out on my script of what really happens to Pinkie before I went and find Maud Pie to help out. After all, Maud has her grandpeppy's letter. And it is for Pinkie if she ever gone Scrooge."

Scarlet: Somewhere, a Community Theater’s performance of “A Christmas Carol” suffers from the loss of its lead actor.

SC276: Are you telling me this guy inhabits Pinkie’s fanon fourth-wall characterization and does a crap job of it?

Tailtech groaned in annoyance, "You're so random!"

SC276: Yes. Yes he does.

"Tell me something I don't know," Maud said gloomy before smiled, "But it's one thing I like Pinkie Pie so much. It's my treasure."

Scarlet: Five minutes later, Pinkie was stolen by a group of intergalactic pirates en route to their next movie appearance.

Tailtech sighed, "I guess so. But life can be short," he smiled, "but we're gonna enjoy every happy moment of our lives. We still have some time to do after all."

CaptainPipsqueak: “Another five to ten.”

Maud nodded her head, "Yes..."

SC276: Particularly after this fic’s over.

As the rest smiled while watching the event, Cheese and Pinkie continued decorating the Ponyville for the Hearth's Warming Eve.

SC276: The-the-the-the-the-that’s all, folks!

They both turned and glanced at each other. They both smiled.

Scarlet: And without warning they leaped out of the fic and into the formless void!

"I'm sorry of what I did. I guess it's stupid," Pinkie apologized.

Cheese smiled as he held Pinkie to him, "No worries. I'm just glad you're back to the one I had admire." He nuzzled her muzzle gently and calmly, "But you owe me a kiss."

SC276: ...Why?

"That can be arranged, Cheesy..." Pinkie smiled.

Cheese and Pinkie gave each other a long passionate kiss while riding Super Canon Transport across the Ponyville.

Scarlet: A bit early to declare the ship canon, there, son!

Crazy56U: (comes back) Hey, I made it for the smooch!

The End...

Main Casts:

Crazy56U: They had two back up casts just in case the given one attempted to

escape.

Adrian Libman: Pinkie Pie, Pumpkin Cake

"Weird Al" Yankovic: Cheese Sandwich

Kate Higgins: Tailtech

Crazy56U: So, for the last holiday short, you “managed” to get Miles “Tails” Prower-

SC276: Are you fucking kidding me?! OK, that’s it. Any volunteers for murder victim?

Crazy56U: (raises hand) Yo.

Jennifer Hale: Flare Tiger

Crazy56U: And Samus Aran for this. ...wonders never cease.

Brian Drummond: Mr. Cake, Grandpa Pie

Tabitha St. Germain: Mrs. Cake, Pound Cake

Ingrid Nilson: Maud Pie

Scarlet: Starring Tim Curry as Darkness!

Crazy56U: And starring Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki as Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles!

Notes:

That's all folks. This is the last shorts I make.

Crazy56U: God is real.

Scarlet: Only after he wrote 600k words. God is real, but he hates us.

That was some tiring. But worth my effort. Merry Late Christmas!

SC276: For crying out loud, you couldn’t even finish on time?!

CapainPipsqueak: Now let’s envision what this would have been like if he’d rushed. You may scream if you wish.

Crazy56U: Christmas is dead. Santa is quitting over this. Good job.

References:

1. 'What Hurts the Most' Pinkie sang was inspired by 'What Hurts the Most' but with different lyrics…

Scarlet: The alternate title for this story!

SC276: Did the original song rhyme? I’m looking this up… Yes, it does rhyme. Which means the author just freakin’ sucks!

Crazy56U: Uh… yeah, what you said!

Scarlet: And… we’re done! Holy shit! SC, pinch me!

SC276: I’ve got a stuffed animal tied to a mallet. Will that work? I spent everything else trying to kill off the thoughts of self-harm I got reading this tripe. Terrible language that looks straight outta Babelfish, OCs doing everything everywhere - I think only Pinkie and Fluttershy actually do shit - and oh yeah, two songs that don’t rhyme, part of which is done by a character that always speaks in rhyme! Who thought this could possibly be a good idea?!

Scarlet: I’ll forgive the prose, assuming this guy’s still practicing English, but holy shit this was a prime slice of delicious riff. And it was nice to get something this week that didn’t make a right turn into creepytown, like some of our previous *cough*KUDZU*cough* subjects have been.

JofY: Personally, my mind hurts. What should have been six fics about love and caring for one another just turned into pain. The first one had criminals, holding one’s self hostage, and non-sequiter greed. The second one just seemed like it put the concept of surprise on trial. The third one made no spacial sense. The fourth one is about as romantic as any other blind date. The fifth has no actual story. And the last is just plain stupid. Combine that with loads of OC’s both with bad names, and bad characterizations. With a mountain full of bad grammar, and you just end up with what this story is. Yellow snow. It’s easy to see what it is, and one should never consume it.

Scarlet: Yellow Snow…what do you even call a six part story? Yellow Snow Cycle? I think I’ll adopt that one.

Crazy56U: I apologize for repeatedly bailing on the story, but I call that an early Christmas present to myself and definitely not because I got a Wii U as my actual early Christmas present and it ate up my time! Definitely not that! … (leaves to go play “Super Mario Maker” again)

Scarlet: We’ll miss you, Crazy. But hey guys, it’s time to get really hype! Next time, or better or for worse, we’re coming to you live from your nearest shady merchandising booth at a convention to transport you to the wild and wacky world of Displaced! Will Cure Operator be able to defeat the evil canon empire and bring a dose of silliness and laughter to the very concept of a multiverse? Find out next time, on The Slender Woman Diaries!

RingmasterJ5: Oh hey, a bunch more short fics were submitted just in time for the 15th. Guess we’re doing this thing again.

Fallen Prime: Thanks for pulling in all that extra muscle, Sigma.

RingmasterJ5: We might end up needing it this week, since the fics here get pretty bad. The first is one of those weird cases where someone takes a “haunted game” and tries to turn it into a story, which never really turns out well.

Fallen Prime: I dunno, there was an NES Godzilla one I didn’t mind. Couple monsters in that are in the running for Colossal Kaiju Combat.

RingmasterJ5: No, that’s the thing: This isn’t a creepypasta, like that was. It’s literally someone taking the “haunted game” itself and trying to turn it into a story.

Fallen Prime: Well. Fuck me sideways with a rusty sawblade.

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t say stuff like that unless you really mean it.

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, “Flutter Island.exe”, by Dragonborne Fox and submitted by the author.

Fallen Prime: ...god DAMMIT, Foxy.

Crazy56U: Let’s get this out of the way right now...

MrSing: You should have acted. She’s are already here. The Community Shuffle told of her return. Our jokes were merely delay, until the time after the Shuffle opened, when the members of Fimfiction would submit their own fics. But no one wanted to believe, believe she even exist. And when the truth finally dawned, it dawned in weird haunted game crossovers. But… there is one they fear. In their tongue, she is Fox, Dragonborne.

Sigma: Please don’t give Foxy any more ego than she already has.

Chapter I - Dark Void

Sigma: Hey, no, Darkrai’s banned!

Crazy56U: No. Fuck you. (unleashes an army of 6 Darkrais) Do you have any idea how long it took to make this team?!

RingmasterJ5: Ten minutes in an Action Replay?

Crazy56U: Ding.

Bucephalus: As opposed to light void- it just looks like the end of a tunnel.

Fluttershy trotted to the edge of a cliff, standing far enough away to avoid falling.

CaptainPipsqueak: Because we wouldn’t want a creature capable of flight to fall, right kids?

Crazy56U: Hey now, “Dragonshy” showed that Fluttershy’s wings could lock up in fear, that may have happened here...

MrSing: That’s okay Fluttershy, not all of us can live on the edge. [Linkin Park blares in the distance]

RJ: But can’t she help herself from falling? [Aerosmith blasts for the other direction]

She looked up at the sky. Unusually violet clouds hung low under Luna's moon.

JofY: Wait a sec, those aren’t clouds… It’s noxious gas! Run!

The rest of the sky was what seemed a brownish-purple.

Sigma: That’s what happens when someone takes a dump in the skybox.

CaptainPipsqueak: Foolish Sigma; have you not heard of the glorious color brurple?

SC276: She’s seriously tripping out right now.

Crazy56U: Huh, I’ve always joked that Fluttershy did or has experience with drugs… Glad to see someone else shares that thought…

Bucephalus: It’s moments like these that I wonder why I riff with you guys. You’re ruining my Saturday mornings.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pretty impressive, seeing as it’s Sunday.

Bucephalus: I’m from last week’s riff.

It was dreary, to say the least.

Scarlet: Well, at least we’re skipping past the bright and sunny morning.

Crazy56U: Don’t tempt it.

But not the kind of dreary one would expect-- this was a dreary that seemed to have been born of what is known as Pony Hell itself.

Scarlet: “Nothing is more dreary and hellish than low-hanging clouds painted purple by the soft light of a setting sun, set against the picturesque vista of a magical kingdom.”

SC276: I thought Pony Hell was Tartarus?

Crazy56U: Pony Hell is separate from Tartarus, it’s actually the Equestrian Detroit...

MrSing: Pony Hell is googling MLP with the safe search disabled.

Topher: I did that once. SO… MANY… DICKS… Including on characters that are female.

JofY: Well, sometimes Hell needs to take a day off.

There was a vast assortment of stars in the sky, some a bright blue, some a dark red, some pure white altogether. It was horrible and marvelous all at once, and there was simply no denying it.

CaptainPisqueak: So she didn’t bother.

Waterpear: How, exactly, are America-colored stars dreary? Is Fluttershy a freedom-hating communazi?

SC276: I would think most of Equestria’s stars would be pure white.

Crazy56U: Oh boy, Luna got drunk and is painting the stars again...

MrSing: This is not how the Doppler effect works!

Fluttershy had found a sign at the far, far end of the cliff.

Crazy56U:

MrSing: “Watch out: Cliff”

JofY: “If you are reading this, you’ve gone too far.”

On it was a piece of paper, with a seemingly poorly-scrawled note.

Scarlet: “Am writing to inform you that this was bad idea. Abort before chapter continues.”

SC276: Why is the writing on the paper and not the sign itself again? Come to think of it, who puts a sign that close to the edge of a cliff?

Crazy56U: “Hello, I am a Nigerian Prince looking to share his fortune…”

MrSing: “Due to technical difficulties this cliff is out of order.”

It was so poorly written that even Twilight Sparkle couldn't decipher it.

Crazy56U: W-wait, Twilight’s in the scene, now?

MrSing: Pheh, Twilight can’t even write. Why do you think she makes Spike take all her letters?

Worse, it was written in blood.

CaptainPipsqueak: So of course Fluttershy goes to check it out. Jason Voorhees would be having an orgasm right now.

Crazy56U: “BRB Need to get a pen.”

"Who could've done such a thing...?" Fluttershy questioned.

Sigma: It was I, Dio!

SC276: Well in my experience with video games involving blood… someone that’s been murdered.

Crazy56U: Someone who had some spare blood but hates blood banks?

MrSing: Have you ever been so clumsy you opened an artery while writing a note?

Topher: Yes.

Scarlet: Topher, opening someone else’s doesn’t count!

Suddenly, the cliff's edge began cracking, as if breaking itself from the rest of the rock that held it there in place--which was exactly what was happening.

Scarlet: Well, at least this time we’re jumping right into the action. Even if that action makes no sense because-

CaptainPipsqueak: So the cliff fell...just like a falling cliff?

SC276: The ship bobbed on the surface of the water in the exact way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ah.

Crazy56U: ...did the cliff just commit suicide?

Bucephalus: When inanimate objects begin to jump ship, you know something’s up.

CaptainPipsqueak: Lucky cliff...

Thankfully, Fluttershy was unharmed, because when the cliff began tearing at the very slightest, she began flapping her wings with such haste she became airborne.

Scarlet: -because yeah, that. Huh.

Crazy56U: ...oh, she could use her wings. I recant my earlier “Dragonshy” comment.

MrSing: Stop being competent or we’ll have to end the story in a non-stupid way.

The yellow Pegasus began jumping from cloud to cloud,

Crazy56U: And then the Rolling Stones began to yell at her.

sometimes going skywards, sometimes descending;

Sigma: Sometimes spinning in little circles or drawing dicks in the clouds.

SC276: Why wouldn’t she jump back to where the cliff was attached to?

CaptainPipsqueak: Because story. Shaddup.

Crazy56U: And sometimes collecting coins and jumping off of flying turtles. And then CD-i Mario began yelling at her.

depending on what cloud she thought she needed to go to

MrSing: That cloud looks like a bunny, that one like a cake. Oh! That one looks like the next platform I need to jump to!

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, a lot of those clouds were thunderclouds...

as well as where said cloud was. Some clouds had three unusual coins, forged of solid gold.

Scarlet: I begin to regret the chain of life decisions which has brought me to this point. I am now riffing Super Mario Maker With Ponies.

Sigma: I’d buy it.

Crazy56U: CALLED IT… minus a Hotel Mario clip.

MrSing: The true motivation of any video game protagonist: cold hard dosh.

Fluttershy took these coins with her, though for seemingly no reason.

Sigma: But in reality, the plot had commanded her to.

Crazy56U: And thus began Fluttershy’s hoarding habit.

MrSing: Can’t imagine a single reason to pick up solid gold coins.

CaptainPipsqueak: She was furious when she found out they were chocolate; she was allergic to chocolate!

Then, after a while, she found five gold coins just... floating in the air.

Sigma: And when she touched them, a floating head appeared and commanded her to morph.

SC276: Given the other coins she encountered were in clouds, those were in the air as well. Stop repeating yourself.

Crazy56U: So, when do the Question Mark blocks show up?

MrSing: The Skypirates suck at burying treasure.

Topher: Well, Rye kept sticking his dick in every hole they dug.

Bucephalus: *Vomits* Are all Kudzu fics like that?

CaptainPipsqueak: My answer is dependant on whether or not you puke again.

Bucephalus: I’m going to go cry in a corner.

CaptainPipsqueak: If it helps, he hasn’t delved into the cesspit of pedophilia. Yet. I think.

Fallen Prime: You missed “The Catch,” then. Got real close.

They formed the addition symbol.

SC276: It’s called a plus sign, ya dim bulb.

Crazy56U: Better than the equals symbol, lest Starlight Communist rears her ugly head.

MrSing: Yarrr, that be an X to mark the spot of treasure, laddie.

As soon as she grabbed the last coin, she blacked out--

Crazy56U: Having grabbed the last coin with her head apparently.

MrSing: Don’t do math, kids.

but not before seeing Applebloom.

Waterpear: Apple Bloom’s talent in this AU is apparently being the 1-Up symbol.

CaptainPipsqueak: You mean actually being useful and worth something?

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Howdy, Fluttershy, welcome to the afterlife!”

MrSing: “What are you doing with my family's life savings fund, Fluttershy?”

But Applebloom was different;

Sigma: “Her name had been written as Apple Bloom!”

Crazy56U: She was actually Scootaloo! (dun dun duuuuun)

MrSing: Don’t you mean Scoot Aloo?

her irises and pupils were small compared with the white of her eyes,

JofY: Well, turn off the light.

and her grin revealed

Sigma: -that she needed to see a dentist?

Crazy56U: Several more gold coins.

MrSing: Damnit, kids. I told you not to do math!

several jagged teeth. Teeth that belonged to a Manticore at the very least.

CaptainPipsqueak: And was going to be very cross when they weren’t in the glass filled with polident in the morning.

SC276: Does every pony .exe game have to have that one image?

Crazy56U: It’s a cliche, of course they do.

Bucephalus: Sir, there’s a manticore here who wants his teeth back.

CaptainPipsqueak: I mean that’s just cruel. And kinda gross. You don’t go nicking someone’s dentures.

She looked as if she had descended into some sort of incurable madness; the sort of madness usually accompanied by murders or something just as awful.

Scarlet: “For example, singing Journey off key while your co-workers are in earshot!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Or karaoke. Or line dancing. Wait, no; Applebloom’s southern. She probably likes line dancing.

SC276: Or riffing a barrage of terrible one-shot pony fanfiction for a whole month.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah! Just like...aw fuck...

Crazy56U: Apple Bloom watched Teen Titans Go?

Fluttershy had a great deal of trouble just waking up.

Sigma: See, that’s why we have alarm clocks.

Crazy56U: And so, Fluttershy swore off sleep forever. THE END

MrSing: “Come on, Satan Applebloom. Five more minutes!”

SC276: ~Wake me up inside (CAN’T WAKE UP)~

Bucephalus: Wrong song. For us, it’s ~Wake me up when it’s all over~

There was maniacal laughter filling the otherwise-silent void of darkness.

Sigma: Ah, so she’s in the author’s mind.

SC276: Talk about the sounds of silence.

Crazy56U: This is not your average, everyday darkness. This is... ADVANCED darkness…

Bucephalus: Join in, it's fun!

MrSing: “If you are cold, go stand in a corner. They are 90 degrees AHAHAHAHAHAA!”

CaptainPisqueak: Sounded kind of like this.

When she came to at last, she found she was standing in a very dark area.

MrSing: She didn’t pay her electricity bills. The horror.

Crazy56U: Pony lives in the sunlit world of what she believes to be reality. But, there is, unseen by most, an underworld - a place that is just as real, but not as brightly lit... A darkside.

So dark, in fact, she could not see anything past her mane.

Scarlet: “It was at this point she realized her mane was in her eyes.”

Crazy56U: Fluttershy really needed a haircut...

She heard a voice that sounded like a sad Applebloom calling to her.

SC276: [Applebloom] “Help! I’m trapped in a terrible fanfic!”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Fluttershy, why are we in the Negative Zone?”

It spoke these words, becoming more frightening with each word spoken:

Sigma: “Drink… your… ovaltine?”

Crazy56U: “Never… gonna… give… you… up?”

MrSing: “Finish your essay before eight A.M. this Saturday.”

Topher: “And… his… name… is…”

"You're here.... You're finally here!! I'm trapped, frightened, and oh so very lonely. Won't you.... join me?!?!"

Scarlet: Insert crappy boss fight music here.

Sigma: “I’m playing Monopoly, and I still can’t get out of jail!”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “I need more members for my ‘Empty Black Void’ club!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey. Hey. No. It’s called an Empty African American Void club. Racist.

Crazy56U: (dead eyed glare)

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, the NAACP gets really pissy about that sort of thing. Just being careful.

Crazy56U: (even more dead eyed glare)

CaptainPipsqueak: (gives the finger and smiles cheerfully)

Crazy56U: (severely dead eyed glare) (punches you in the jaw)

CaptainPipqueak: MARRY ME.

Was that even Applebloom, or a sort of demon pretending to be the young filly

MrSing: She was at the MLP cosplay convention. From hell.

Crazy56U: ...Fluttershy, is everything okay?

for the sole purpose of doing a single misdeed to the yellow Pegasus?

Waterpear: ¿Por que no los dos?

SC276: Why is “demon” even on the table here?

CaptainPipsqueak: And why would it stop a one misdeed? Does it not want to appear greedy?

Crazy56U: She even had a stick to poke her with. And it was sharp...

Bucephalus: In any story, the logical steps are actual person- fairy- demon-

shapeshifter? We don’t have fairies, so we go to demon. Bam. Problem solved.

Fluttershy was terrified, but now there was no going back. She moved forward, turning around every few minutes to make sure nothing followed her.

SC276: She literally can’t see her hoof in front of her face - assuming it’s far enough past her mane. That’s just going to get her even more turned around.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, Fluttershy was running in place.

MrSing: That demon stuck her on a treadmill!

JofY: Hey! Be nice. After all, Fluttershy had to go all the way out here too...

There was a winding staircase of empty darkness, which forced the Pegasus to climb up.

Scarlet: It did so at gunpoint.

SC276: Or Chomppoint. Either works.

Crazy56U: And that wasn’t brought up before as being in the void, because… ... ...

MrSing: Why do people keep getting shot before they can explain stuff?

Crazy56U: ...I-I didn’t, though...

She found flat ground after a while, and trotted forward. She saw a white silhouette of what looked like a dismembered, clawed hand;

Sigma: Wait, when did we switch to that Pokémon creepypasta?

MrSing: “Hmmm. Seems creepy and dangerous. I’d better go check it out (/◕ヮ◕)/”

Crazy56U: The Claaaaaaw...

though, if she approached said silhouette, it merely disappeared into the unearthly darkness.

Scarlet: The Slenderman fic was last week!

SC276: And technically, it wasn’t even Slenderman!

CaptainPipsqueak: Slenderman, Slenderman, does whatever someone thin can…

Bucephalus: We’re not going there. The parasprite references were bad enough.

CaptainPipsqueak: Is he narrow? Listen, bud! He’s got really thin blood!

Crazy56U: Never bring that up again.

She fell off another cliff and into another void. This void was not inky black, but a crimson red.

Waterpear: Perhaps it is also a violet purple.

Sigma: Shit, I don’t wanna fight Vanilla Ice!

SC276: Ice ice baby?

Sigma: More like Cream-y death.

Bucephalus: I hate you guys.

MrSing: Why are there so fucking many cliffs and voids around here? Does this thing take place in the Space Grand Canyon?

Sigma: I don’t see any red guys arguing about pumas, though.

Crazy56U: Red, the blood of angry men! Black, the dark of fan fics past!

Fluttershy turned around, and was once more greeted by the insane Earth filly.

Waterpear: Insane Earth Filly? Damn, I loved that band in middle school.

MrSing: They really sold out after their first album though.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Hi, Fluttershy!” “Oh hello insane earth pony that sort of resembles Apple Bloom. I love what you’ve done with the void; it really matches your mane!”

Crazy56U: Silly Fluttershy, she’s not insane. She’s just cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

CaptainPipsqueak: Same thing. God that stuff is foul.

Crazy56U: Were you never hugged as a child?

The yellow Pegasus turned around and began galloping madly; the insane Cutie Mark Crusader following hot on pursuit. The same laughter filled the dark red void.

Scarlet: Which was black a few minutes ago. Continuity!

CaptainPipsqueak: So is she an insane earth pony or an insane Cutie Mark Crusader? Because I don’t think it’s legal to be both.

SC276: Is it just me, or is chasing an integral part of like every freeware horror game ever?

CaptainPipsqueak: Demon Applebloom chose to be on pursuit, not in pursuit. Anypony can be in pursuit.

MrSing: No, Scarlet, this is the second void that came after the second cliff descend. Everyone knows that level 1 is black and level 2 is red.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Silent Hill.

No matter how fast Fluttershy ran, the laughter got increasingly closer. Suddenly, there was a dead end.

MrSing: Today we have gathered to mourn the loss of our dear friend end. In accordance with its wishes it will be buried in creepy pasta hell.

Crazy56U: Fluttershy’s runnin’ down a dream. That never would come to she. Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads. Runnin' down a dream.

Bucephalus: I will join you in mourning. Truly, without him, no fic will have a good conclusion.

Applebloom began closing in on the Pegasus; her gallop reduced to a very slow pace.

CaptainPipsqueak: So she did what layman call ‘walking’ then?

Bucephalus: Nope. This is more like wading through caramel.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why would you want to do that to poor Caramel?

MrSing: It’s more of a light jog.

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, Apple Bloom’s running on. Running on empty. Running on.

Running blind. Running on. Running into the… dark, but she’s running behind.

When Applebloom was so close she could jump Fluttershy, she disappeared.

CaptainPipsqueak: Then the lights came on and everypony shouted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Then somepony ran for a defibrillator.

Crazy56U: [Electrical Beast] “Teleport!”

The ground where the filly stood suddenly collapsed on itself, thus leading to another void.

Scarlet: Fluttershy was a mare of voids within voids, you see.

CaptainPipsqueak: The author uses that word a lot. Guess he can’t avoid it, huh?

Sigma: Shit, we really are dealing with Vanilla Ice!

Bucephalus: *Pulls out folder of inception jokes and filters through it* This is voidception. We must go deeper. Should I keep this folder out for this fic?

Crazy56U: ...so, is this a cutscene, or did the game not have good bug testing?

Having no other choice, the Pegasus fell into the darkness.

CaptainPipsqueak: As opposed to, y’know, hovering or something.

SC276: Falling! Everywhere! Moreso, perhaps, than even chasing!

Crazy56U: So, Fluttershy was free? Free falling?

She was in another room, even redder than the hallway she was in only moments before.

MrSing: The dreaded hue cherry red.

Crazy56U: Red, a world about to dawn! Black, the night that ends at last!

JofY: Oh no! She’s in a bad OC color palette.

The voice echoed once more:

"Why do you run away? Is this not fun for you? This is.... so upsetting."

Scarlet: It’s sad when I admit this is probably the creepiest thing we’ve riffed so far. Y’know, not counting Kudzu.

SC276: I stopped being creeped when it went with the cliché haunted Applebloom.

MrSing: You’re upset? We actually have to read this.

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Why won’t you let me kill you?! Come on!!!”

JofY: “I mean, I’ve tried making this as silly as possible.”

The Pegasus noticed she was in a square room, with a gargantuan black oval on one of the red walls. The hole she fell from was sealed, trapping Fluttershy.

Scarlet: And then it started to shake. Once… twice… three times… Yes! Fluttershy was caught! Give a nickname to your new Fluttershy?

Sigma: Waifu… Best… Pon-, damn, character limit!

Bucephalus: Take a leaf from my friend book and name her ‘Boo Boo Jr.’

Crazy56U: Oh dear, that hole better have some holes poked into it, lest she suffocate.

She felt fear well up within her body, down to the last hair on her forehoof. The black oval suddenly turned into the filly's eye; looking at the Pegasus with ill intent.

SC276: This is turning into that SpongeBob episode where Ms. Puff went to jail.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a bowl of chili) Huh, so that’s why I have this...

MrSing: You can say what you want, that filly has vision.

CaptainPipsqueak: Has anyone ever looked at someone with healthy intent? You never hear anyone looking with healthy intent, it’s always ill.

Bucephalus: *Looks at CaptainPipsqueak with healthy intent* Now you know why.

CaptainPisqueak:*shudder* I retract my question. Still, it need to be asked, y’know?

Topher: So are you gonna eat that chili or what?

Crazy56U: (eating chili) What chili?

The voice spoke yet again:

"But that's okay with me. I am very sure your heart and mind will change eventually. It is not like you can simply escape me. After all, I HAVE MY EYE ON YOU!!!

Waterpear: Of all the menacing lines a creepy demon-possessed child can spout, this is, without a doubt, not one of them.

Sigma: “I mean I literally have an eye on you. Can I have it back? I like having depth perception.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “No. You should have thought about that before. Now it’s mine, young filly!”

MrSing: That line was pretty cornea, Applebloom.

Crazy56U: Fuck it, another song.

Fluttershy began screaming in panic. This was not Applebloom at all; what remained was an insane filly.

Scarlet: Pastel Horses- When They Cry. New chapters now available on Steam!

JofY: Come get me when it goes on sale.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...and Fluttershy only now figures out it’s not Applebloom. The award for thickest brick in the wall goes to…

Bucephalus: BRB, logging into the steam store and lying about my age.

MrSing: Oh no! She was a secret OC!

Crazy56U: I knew it! Apple Bloom did watch Teen Titans Go! The fool!

She began falling back into the darkness, landing on more ground.

SC276: Falling! Everywhere!

Crazy56U: I guess this means Fluttershy digs Elvis. ...why do I hear a punch of people crying all of a sudden?

She opened her eyes and saw that she was in Twilight's library. "Are you okay, Fluttershy?!" Spike asked. He looked worried.

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Also, side note, where the fuck did you come from, you just

spontaneously fell from the ceiling, the FUCK?!”

"No, I am not okay," replied the Pegasus. She fell back into the void of darkness.

Scarlet: Riku! I mean, Kairi! I mean Fluttershy!

CaptainPipsqueak:TETSUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sigma: “Wheeeeee!”

SC276: ~I could fall (fall) from heaven…~

MrSing: She woke up with a fine for being late with returning her books.

Crazy56U: [Spike] “...okay, bye, I guess…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Spike later had the shit beaten out of him by Twilight for the void in the floor. She ignored his cries of innocence.

Chapter II - Awful Truth?

CaptainPipsqueak: Why is that a question? And do we want an answer?

Sigma: Awful truth, or bad fanfiction? You decide!

SC276: Which will it be, money or love? Only the scales know for sure!

Crazy56U: Awful Truth or Beautiful Lie? Tonight on 20/20.

Fluttershy was very eager to go to the Gala that night.

Waterpear: I don’t see why. After all, the hellscape from the last chapter has the distinct advantage of not being the Grand Galloping Gala.

Bucephalus: *Looks at folder* I give up. This is a pony-horror version of inception, isn’t it?

CaptainPipsqueak: What is it with you and Inception?

Bucephalus: Nothing…

Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, she’s jumping back and forth through time like Picard in the last episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation… Which means Discord is behind this, the fuck.

Topher: Well, if this is an Inception crossover, I better have this on standby. *Pulls out a massive tuba*

She trotted to Canterlot Castle, wearing a magnificent green dress that was adorned in trimmings of cerulean and flowers of gold.

Scarlet: Toriel, no! Don’t make this a crossover! I’ll literally cry!

CaptainPipsqueak: Fluttershy was jealous: the dress looked way better on the castle than it had her.

SC276: Do real .exe games have such little continuity, or…?

CaptainPipsqueak: This is one of those ‘rhetorical questions’ right?

MrSing: What do you think?

Crazy56U: ...I’m just going to pretend that I understand this conversation.

Bucephalus: I’m going to pretend that I’m pretending to actually care.

CaptainPipsqueak: Um… Oh hey; more story!

There was a long gate to the Gala, and many pillars of marble used in ancient times.

SC276: These days, they use the titanium pillars.

MrSing: The ancient distant past of today.

Crazy56U: Princess Celestia is ripping off Ancient Greece, I can’t fucking believe this…

JofY: They should sue.

Everypony was there, but seemingly petrified.....almost lifeless.

MrSing: This year’s Gala blows.

Crazy56U: Almost as bad as the one from “The Best Night Ever”. ...fuck that episode.

JofY: ‘Like they were characters meant to be placed on a background of sorts and not do much else.’

The Princesses, the rest of the Mane Six,

CaptainPipsqueak: Would they ever actually be referred to as that at any point?

Bucephalus: Honestly, with all the break up fanfics and fixfics, I think we can just call them the Mane Five.

Crazy56U: Well, technically the Mane Four, Rainbow got food poisoning and Pinkie’s

been banished… again...

Vinyl Scratch, and Applebloom.

SC276: Gheeze, the guy who made this couldn’t even be bothered to make animated sprites.

Crazy56U: Funnily enough, Vinyl and Apple Bloom weren’t invited. Party crashers!

The Pegasus trotted past more pillars before stopping in front of Applebloom once more.

Scarlet: That’s nice, but what happened to Fluttershy?

Crazy56U: She’s having an Artist Formally Known as Prince moment and changed her name.

The filly's eyes were red, her coat red-brown, and her mane, tail, and hair bow even darker.

Sigma: If it isn’t Darker Than Black, I dun’ wanna hear ‘bout it.

SC276: How do you even know that’s Applebloom and not yet another red-and-black Marty Stu?

MrSing: Either Satan!Applebloom went into a Hot Topic store to buy a hair bow or Applebloom’s bow turned to the dark side.

Crazy56U: Man, a literal palette swap? Boo!

Bucephalus: At least she has better fashion sense than me.

The area around the red of the filly's eyes was solid jet-black. All at once, the ground under the Pegasus crumbled, and she plummeted into the darkness.

Waterpear: Poor Fluttershy. Even in dreams, she can’t fly very well. :(

Scarlet: She’ll be fine, she’ll just wake up in Traverse Town.

SC276: FALLING! EVERYWHERE!

MrSing: Does this fic have termites or something?

Crazy56U: Let the ‘Shy fall... When it crumbles... We will stand tall... Face it all together…

Bucephalus: It was a dark and stormy night, Fluttershy fell into a void of darkness and landed on her feet. She took in her surroundings. It was a dark and stormy night, Fluttershy fell into a void of darkness and landed on her feet. She took in her surroundings. It was a dark and stormy… *looks down, falls into void, and swears*

Topher: *looks down into the void, drops a brick*

"Not again! Please stop this! Whatever it is, I don't like it!" Fluttershy pleaded.

Sigma: Use your rape whistle, Fluttershy!

SC276: Ain’t just you, sister!

Crazy56U: JonTron shares your sentiment.

JofY: “Well since you asked nicely.”

The dark voice responded, "HehehehaHAHA!

MrSing:

Crazy56U: Suddenly, JonTron reappears for round two.

Bucephalus: I’ll give him a medal if he can go ten.

Captainpipsqueak: That’s not so much a response as a sound effect.

Crazy56U: ...which is what a response can be, friend.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, but you don’t generally write it out phonetically.

Bucephalus: Ehhungsnotlkle. That was me laughing at your assumption.

Why stop now? You enjoy this as much as I do!! And if you don't, then you better find me!"

Scarlet: The most evil of all games: hide and go seek!

MrSing: “Or you can just walk out of the door, I guess.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “You’re behind me, aren’t you.”

[Apple Bloom] “...shit.”

The Pegasus was in another dark room, noticing she was not wearing her dress.

Scarlet: And she became aware of her nakedness, and was ashamed.

Waterpear: The apple of evil doesn’t come until later, though.

Sigma: But Fluttershy fans come as soon as the nakedness does.

MrSing: “Why am I wearing power armor?”

Crazy56U: Nor was she wearing her skin...

She walked toward a dead end, then walked back.

SC276: This is literally transcribing game actions and I feel freakin’ ashamed for it.

MrSing: “You are standing in a dark room. You can see four walls around you.”

>Go West

“You were eaten by a Grue.”

Crazy56U: >Quit

JofY: “I don’t understand the words “Quit”.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Which explains why you’re still here.

A set of stairs that was not there before led upwards. As she ascended, more stairs appeared,

MrSing: Christ, her thighs are going to be able to crush boulders at this rate.

Crazy56U: ...okay, my brain just painted a bad image, thanks for that…

JofY: Behold! THE STAIRMASTER!

leading upwards and in the opposing direction. She was in another room, this one housing five paintings.

Sigma: But there are four lights!

SC276: Must be a really cheap museum, to cut costs like that.

Crazy56U: And all five were simply pictures of matchstick men.

Each painting was that of her friends.

MrSing: [Fluttershy] “Wow, Twilight sucks at painting.”

Crazy56U: Except, for some reason, there was no Rainbow painting. There were two Applejacks, though...

More stairs needed to be climbed. When she entered another room, the voice echoed:

Scarlet: “Seriously, why are you even bothering to follow me? We both know I’m just going to keep doing spooky things.”

Crazy56U: “NO SOLICITORS.”

CaptainPipsqueak: SAVE KEYS TO OPEN DOORS.

"What's wrong? Giving up?"

SC276: Does anything she’s doing look like she’s giving up?

JofY: Well, she’s probably just seeing where she can go.

Bucephalus: Just press ‘escape!’ Do IT!

Crazy56U: I already tried the “Quit” command, shut up!

Fluttershy didn't respond. The voice continued, seemingly angrier: "Not talking, are we? 'Tis a shame, really. I know you are wondering where your painting is at. It was hideous to look at. I dare say it made your friends look better than you."

Scarlet: Ooh! Sick… burn…?

Sigma: Don’t really need burn heal right now, Blaine.

Crazy56U: $5 says Apple Bloom was the painter.

SC276: This is like a really bad GLaDOS. And I’m probably getting three weeks in the room with the screaming robots for that.

Fluttershy was getting irritated. "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!" the Pegasus yelled.

SC276: You shut yo’ mouth, fool!

MrSing: She’s more enraged by the quality of the insults than the fact that they are aimed at her.

JofY: “I know you are but what am I?”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “I’m just talking about Shaft!”

[Fluttershy] “Then I can dig it.”

The voice only laughed maniacally, as if mocking the mare it taunted.

Scarlet: Oh the demon’s not taunting her, it’s just watching its favorite sit-com!

MrSing: It’s just the happiest little demon in the village.

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “HAW HAW!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Um… not to be the voice of reason or anything, but if she’s being taunted, isn’t she already being mocked?

The yellow Pegasus walked down another dark hallway, and another room past that. The room past the hallway had Applebloom's maddening eyes.

SC276: Those things just get everywhere, don’t they.

MrSing: ಠ_ಠ

Crazy56U: Apple Bloom had gone so far off of the deep end, she now had the eye of the tiger.

JofY: Apple Bloom was just trying to be the thrill of the night.

These eyes got larger and then smaller, like that of a beating heart.

Scarlet: I’ve studied several still-beating hearts and trust me, it’s very unusual for them to have eyes.

SC276: Some glue and googly-eyes will fix that!

MrSing: Is she winking at us?

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: We’re actually watching footage of Apple Bloom’s last eye exam.

There was another room that housed a pool of blood.

MrSing: WOOO! Pool party!

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: It was actually a pool of Kool Aid.

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, at least it wasn’t Tang...

Fluttershy found a piece of paper that had a bunch of letters on it. It looked like something was warning her, but the writing and arrangement of letters made it look garbled. The paper made absolute nonsense.

Scarlet: “Password for Level.”

CaptainPipsqueak: A A A A A A...A.

Bucephalus: Ycoidi siht fo tuo teg.

MrSing: “‘Spike is best pony’? Who would write this?”

Crazy56U: “Ik geef je nooit op.” ...the fuck is this, Dutch?

She trotted past more stairs, some winding up and some descending down.

MrSing:

Crazy56U:

At last, she was in another blood crimson hallway. Her painting was there. Then, the Fluttershy in the painting started to decay.

Scarlet: Well shit, she’s in the film adaptation of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and she’s cast as Dorian Grey. Lovely.

SC276: Wait, isn’t she looking at the painting now? Wouldn’t that mean she’d start to decay?

MrSing: I hope she still has the receipt for that painting.

Crazy56U: And that’s what happens when you get a painting from the Dollar General.

The wingtips, torn and bloody; flesh wounds all over; solid black eyes that cried blood; the tail removed; blood emerging from the mouth; her cutie mark nothing more than this red mass of exposed muscle tissue; her left leg missing.

Waterpear: The semicolons; please stop; these are; not; how you use; them;;;;;;;

Scarlet: Allow me to summarize the above- Spooky Scary Painting Woogie Woogie woo!

Bucephalus: There; is; not; enough; nope; for; my; feelings; about; this.

Crazy56U: ;;;;Oh;god;;;;;;the;semicolons;;;;;;;;;;;have;been;angered;;;;;;HELP;;;;;;;;;;;

Topher: ‘*;g;u;r;g;l;e;.;.;.;;;b;l;e;h;*;

When the decay of the portrait Fluttershy happened, so too did the decay of the real Fluttershy.

Scarlet: “She fell apart since Flutterzombie is kind of a dumb concept, the end!”

SC276: I WAS JOKING!

MrSing: Well, at least she doesn’t have to pose for a new painting.

Crazy56U: Dorian Grey is going to sue your ass off, Author...

The voice echoed once more

"Teeheehee, you just found me. Now we can play some more!"

Sigma: Oh, great, the fucking skull kid from Twilight Princess.

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Now, instead of Hide ‘n Go Seek, we can play Tag!”

"Noo...

Sigma: Dull surprise…

CaptainPipsqueak: Stop. Please stop. Eek. Argh. Etcetera.

Crazy56U:

I won't be locked in here with you,"

MrSing: “Don’t you get it? I’m not locked up in here with you. You are locked up with me!”

Crazy56U: And then Fluttershy Action Replayed herself out of the room.

Fluttershy responded. She began hyperventilating, shouting, "WHAT ARE YOU?!"

Scarlet: Why is it that every time I get a chance to link to Higurashi clips it’s too long after Halloween for it to be amusing?

Sigma: I am a man!

SC276: “I’m you! I’m your shadow!”

CaptainPipsqueak: I'm Batman.

Crazy56U: ...she’s a pallete swap, I explained this.

The discolored, insane Applebloom appeared before the Pegasus. She spoke, "Woe is me, you've already long since forgotten? I am YOU! Or, more accurately, the darkness that lurks WITHIN YOU!"

Sigma: This is what Fluttershy gets for voreing Applebloom.

SC276: I WAS STILL JOKING!!

MrSing: You sure know a lot about this fic, SC276. Or should I call you by your real name, Dragonborne Fox?

Bucephalus: Burn the heretic. She delivered herself into our hands. Let them be purged.

Crazy56U: Bullshit, SC276 is a prophet, not Satan.

Bucephalus: … There’s a difference here?

CaptainPipsqueak: Satan looks cooler.

SC276: You freakin’ purge me, I’ll riff your fic next.

Bucephalus: … You know my username over on fimfic?

JofY: “I AM THE EDGE!!!”

With that, the discolored Applebloom became a discolored, non-decayed Fluttershy.

Waterpear: No, Fluttershy. You are the Apple Bloom.

Scarlet: Jesus, Xehanort! Wasn’t it enough making one fandom more convoluted than it ever needed to be? Must you spread your tendrils into this one too?

MrSing: Oh cool, she turned into a 3D colourbook.

Crazy56U: Now she’s a super palette swap! Oh no!

She continued, "I have been begging to be released within the depths of your fragile mind, little pony. I am essentially what you've sedated with your kindness.

Waterpear: No, Apple Bloom. You are the Iron Will. And the Discord. And maybe the Seabreeze, too. But definitely the Iron Will.

CaptainPipsqueak: Also the Kwisatz Haderach. Bring the rain, muad’dib!

SC276: “I’m inside your body, inside your mind, I am your darkness, little girl!”

Bucephalus: I am your failure to have character growth!

CaptainPisqueak: Which one of us is the Terror that Flaps in the Night?

Crazy56U: I’m, like, only 45% sure the Author isn’t ripping off Supernatural here...

I am what you've been hiding from all these years.

MrSing: A little girl?

Crazy56U: Taxes?

CaptainPipsqueak: The secret recipe for Coca Cola?

JofY: An industrial revolution?

Soon, it shall be my turn. I will wake up. I will take control.

Sigma: “And I will enter the Konami code. And I will have infinite lives and ammo. And then, I will rule the world.”

Crazy56U: And the number just lowered to 40%...

As for you.... YOU SHALL BE NOTHING!!!"

Scarlet: Quick, Fluttershy! Catch! *hurls a keyblade*

Crazy56U: [Not-Fluttershy] “I’m dummying you out of this game!”

JofY: *Gets hit by the keyblade.* OWWW!!!

Weeks later, Spike got a letter.

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Let’s see… ‘Dear pesky plumbers’, blah blah blah, ‘taken over the Mushroom Kingdom’, blah blah blah, ‘permanent guest’, ‘Koopa Hotels’, ‘find her’, blah. … (crumples up letter) I hate spam…”

JofY: “I am a prince from Nigeria…”

It read:

As for you, YES, YOU!

Scarlet: Me?

Waterpear: Yes, you! Couldn’t be? Then who!? Fallen stole the cookies from the cookie jar!

CaptainPipsqueak: That… bastard.

Bucephalus: One of our own has betrayed us.

Crazy56U: Why me?

Don't think you've gone unnoticed.

MrSing: Thanks senpai.

Bucephalus: I volunteer as tribute!

Crazy56U: (blushes)

I know full well you are trying to help her.

Scarlet: Well, I hardly think hurling a fictional weapon through the fourth wall in a completely tongue-in-cheek manner counts as helping, per say.

SC276: [Spike] “What even is this shit.”

Crazy56U: ...all Spike did was ask her one question...

I know you believe yourself to be safe. I assure you, your assumption is wrong!

Scarlet: I share this riffspace with at least two people who’ve regularly killed or otherwise committed violence towards my person as a joke. “Safe” may be pushing it.

SC276: At least the slingshots are in storage…

Bucephalus: At one point, we’re going to kill each other due to the madness from these fics. There can only be one!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, I’m a captain. I outrank all’a you bitches.

Crazy56U: You literally joined our merry band of idiots in the sampler. Some of us

have been here since “Past Sins”. Shush.

CaptainPipsqueak: But I’m small and cute. I’m a captain and I’m small and cute. Still

want to argue?

MrSing: This is the most posh death threat ever.

Bucephalus: We need a life.

Crazy56U: (nods sadly)

CaptainPipsqueak: I blame all’a you all.

Topher: I’m not sure of the precise meaning of what you just said, but I shall interpret it as “kill time now.” *whips out a rocket launcher, opens fire*

Something terrible is headed your way.

SC276: Something wicked this way comes. That, or something stupid.

CaptainPipsqueak: Not to belabor the obvious, but aren’t we already there?

Crazy56U: ...there’s more to this story, isn’t there…

JofY: “I shall make you… DO MY TAXES!!!”

And when it's over, you will know the true meaning of terror!!

Waterpear: 1. extreme fear.: "people fled in terror" "a terror of darkness". 2. a person, especially a child, who causes trouble or annoyance.: "placid and obedient in their parents' presence, but holy terrors when left alone".

Scarlet: Well, at least the last bit of that spiel ended up true.

SC276: Despair for tomorrow! Despair at the thought of the unknown! Despair that your memories are something at last! I can’t actually figure out that last line!

Crazy56U: I’ve put up with so much shit with these riffs. Do your worse.

MrSing: That extra and unnecessary exclamation point is pretty terrible, yeah.

JofY: “YOU SHALL KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE TO PACE AROUND!!! IN THE DARK!!!”

Apples Everywhere.exe (Flashback)

Crazy56U: (slams head down onto table) Damn.

MrSing: World Hunger Solved.exe

SC276: Suddenly, (pine)apples.

DISCLAIMER:

MrSing: May contain nuts.

Crazy56U: I’m sorry.

JofY: I’m not.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS LIKE A FUCKING NUMBNUT!

SC276: I can.

Sigma: If this were an RR, I would say nothing. But here, this is just a riff, so I’ll say this: Foxy, you are a fucking numbnut.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, at least she admits she’s a fucking numbnut. That’s the first step of the healing process.

Crazy56U: Some things are better left forgotten, numbnuts.

MrSing: Hey, I was right about the nuts.

CaptainPipsqueak: I just feel numb.

Topher: And I’m just nuts.

Shoutout to Dark Colt Sabata for pointing this out to me!

Scarlet: I hate you too, Dark Colt Sabata!

SC276: Is that anything like Santana?

Crazy56U: That’s a made-up person, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

MrSing: Not so much a shoutout as a shouting out.

Applebloom was trotting along the road of Sweet Apple Acres. It was a bright, sunny day and just rightfully so, considering it was apple-picking day.

Waterpear: Oh, that’s where they put the obligatory sunny day.

CaptainPipsqueak: They swept the clouds a-way...

Crazy56U: Also known as Tuesday.

She ran in front of Applejack, who had a huge cart loaded with apples next to her.

MrSing: “Look Sis, someone left all these apples unattended in their stall! Truly a great apple-picking day today.”

Crazy56U: Well, duh, it’s an apple farm. What did you think was going to be in the cart? Pumpkins?

"Oh, hey sis! Could ya do me a favor?" Applejack asked.

Scarlet: “Nope.”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Does it involve being in a terrible Creepypasta?”

[Applejack] “..noooooo?”

"Yeah?" Asked Bloom.

"Ah gathered most of them apples from the orchard back there,

MrSing: Only one cart? Rough year, man.

Crazy56U: The apple economy is in the toilet.

but there's still a few left," Applejack replied, "Would ya be kind enough to bring them to me?"

Scarlet: “Would ya be kind enough?” Who is this, the Bioshock protagonist?

CaptainPipsqueak: ”Oh look, Mister Bubbles! A new playmate!”

Crazy56U: Oh, great, a fetch quest. Cool.

MrSing: Being polite is nothing but a reference to video games to us now. I think we might have riffed for too long.

"Sure thing!" Applebloom chimed, galloping to the orchard with a basket in hoof.

SC276: Somehow, considering she probably needs that to walk.

Crazy56U: Uh, Apple Bloom, you should probably get our hoof out of that so you don’t step on it repeatedly...

She began bucking the apple trees, taking a total of 19 when she came across a dark crimson apple.

Waterpear: This fic really puts the malus in Malus domestica.

Crazy56U: Well, to be fair, she had come across 6 of those already, along with some

green ones...

MrSing: Those are called tomatoes.

Topher: She also found an orange, but it was incinerated as per Sweet Apple Acres policy.

"Yuck! This one's rotten! She won't want it!" Applebloom hissed as she dropped the bad apple and ran back to her sister.

Scarlet: I thought this was the origin of Applezombie, not Applesnake.

Bucephalus: You know, it’s a testament that she didn’t try to eat the evil apple, what with Snow White, Eve and Co. being complete idiots.

Crazy56U: That poor apple just got its feelings hurt. Apple Bloom is savage.

MrSing: What’s she gonna do? Tattle on the apple?

Crazy56U: ...because the bully always tattles on the victim, right?

"Ah got the apples."

"Thanks." Applejack smiled as she loaded the apples into the cart.

Crazy56U: Riveting...

MrSing: I don’t have to be here. I could be watching the grass grow right now.

Applebloom trotted down the hill and met with Fluttershy.

Scarlet: This triggered a mandatory dialogue cutscene.

CaptainPipsqueak: Shit. And those’re unskippable, too...

Crazy56U: Aw, man, it doesn’t even have that “Heavy Rain”-style glitch, this blows…

Ethan: SHAUN!

"Oh, um, hello Applebloom. Is your sister around?" Asked the buttery-yellow Pegasus.

SC276: Pretty sure she would’ve phrased that differently.

Crazy56U: … “Asked the yellow-buttery Pegasus”?

MrSing: “Asked the margarine-yellow Pegasus”?

"Sure is. She's just up the hill if ya wanna talk to her." Replied the filly.

"Wonderful. Thank you Applebloom." Fluttershy smiled as she began to trot up the hill when a voice stopped everything.

Scarlet: STAR PLATINUM!

Sigma: THE WORLD!

Bucephalus: IT IS I: CELESTIA! BE PURGED!

CaptainPipsqueak: Sounded kinda like this

Crazy56U: SHAUN!

"Darnit! The harness broke!

MrSing: Looks like another hill climber is plummeting to their demise.

Crazy56U: And soon, a piano smashed into the ground.

Hey, watch out down there!" Cried Applejack's voice much too late as the cart tumbled headlong into the Pegasus and rolled with her into a house.

Scarlet: Huh. Apparently that did transition into the closest possible thing this fic could get to “AND HERE’S A ROAD ROLLER.”

Sigma: “I stopped time at the nine second mark!”

Crazy56U: ...well, that’s just silly.

MrSing: [Fluttershy]: “It’s okay, I’m fine.”

video will all motion make

[Fluttershy]: “...ow.”

----

Fluttershy woke up in foggy darkness. She took a few steps forward and dared to ask "What happened? Where am I?"

Scarlet: Wait, did the author actually forget to write in his intended beginning?

SC276: What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you people?!

Crazy56U: (extremely deadpan) Oh, so she was dead all along in the original story. What a shocking plot development, can’t you see how much I care?

She heard an ominous sound. "Is someone there?"

SC276: [Turret] “Is someone there? I don’t hate you.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home?”

Another Pegasus, this time with Applebloom's colors, began trotting toward her.

MrSing: Applebloom is so going to sue you.

Crazy56U: ...palette swaps are a sueable offense, now?

"Oh, hello. Do you know where I am?" Fluttershy squeaked before it all went black.

Crazy56U: [Demon!Apple Bloom] “Yes. In a crappy story. Welcome to Hell! :D”

MrSing: Might want to get that whole fainting business checked out, Fluttershy.

And so it began…

Scarlet: Or in my case, so it ended.

SC276: How does that make sense as a beginning? The fic started with Fluttershy standing on a cliff with a sign holding a note written in blood!

Crazy56U: Good stuff, glad to have this vital part of story that we could’ve been better off not having, Author.

MrSing: You all don’t get it, it’s modern art. You can’t criticise it because no one understands it.

Crazy56U: Stop being a hipster.

----

Applebloom had returned to where the bad apple was and was instantly transported to a graveyard.

SC276: Don’t you just hate when cursed fruit does that?

Sigma: Weakest devil fruit power ever.

Crazy56U: You see, Apple Bloom? That’s what you get for hurting its feelings...

MrSing: Ah, don’t worry. It’s just a pet cemetery.

Absolutely everything was at least a shade of lavender.

Waterpear: This story is trying really hard not to link the Lavender Town music.

SC276: Lavender is a light purple. That’s literally one of the least threatening colors ever.

CaptainPipsqueak: Unless you’re Twilight Sparkle.

Bucephalus: Honestly, the only product I ever find in the color lavender are bath salts and soaps, so the mood is ruined for me.

Crazy56U: Just say “purple”, you pretentious ass. You don’t need to use fancy color

names, it’s purple, shut up.

MrSing: I’ve had quite enough of this lavender shaded prose!

"What is this place?" Asked the filly in a frightened tone.

SC276: ~What’s this? What’s this? / There’s white things in the air…~

CaptainPipsqueak .:..filled with so many terrors...

Crazy56U: OH dear, this is how Apple Bloom finds out that graveyards exist...

MrSing: This is where we harvest headstones.

She began trotting past grave after grave, taking note of the silhouettes around. They looked like severed, clawed hands and as with everything else here, they were lavender as well.

Scarlet: Lavender Town creepypasta are starting to run out of ideas, aren’t they?

Waterpear: The graves were overgrown with hyper-realistic lavender.

SC276: What is with clawed hands in all this hooved character business?

Crazy56U: PURPLE. PURPLE.

Topher: We already did our FNAF crossover.

"Sis...where are you?!" Cried the filly.

Sigma: “Try looking to your left, numbnuts.”

Crazy56U: She abandoned ship, Apple Bloom. You’re stuck being in the rest of the fic. Sorry...

She kept moving forward. "I'm scared..." She squeaked.

Crazy56U: ...then leave the graveyard...

Suddenly, a wind blew a piece of paper onto her face.

MrSing: Littering is the first real scary thing that happened in this fic. So, yay for us, I guess.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Insert Slender reference here.

She removed it with her hoof and examined it. "What's this...? An invitation...to a birthday party?" Applebloom thought, "But...who's birthday is it?"

Crazy56U: Well, it’s not February 26th, so it can’t be mine… (scoff) Yeah, as if

someone would throw me a birthday party- wow, I just made myself depressed……

Topher: Wait, your birthday is the twenty-sixth? Well, we can still celebrate! *procures a teapot from nowhere, bursts into song* A VERY MERRY UN-BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Crazy56U: ...eh, I can dig it. (produces a noisemaker, makes noise)

And then she looked at the invitation again, and then a grave next to her.

Scarlet: Well, clearly not whoever that one belongs to.

SC276: Spirit, whose lonely grave is this?

Bucephalus: You know too much. *pushes Scarlet in* Enjoy the fanfic!

Crazy56U: Happy Birthday, Grave!

Scarlet: I’m still right here, you know. The fourth wall is surprisingly permeable.

Applebloom began sobbing as she realized she herself had died.

Scarlet: And then she was John Stamos!

SC276: Why, yours, Ebenezer - the richest man in the cemetery!

Crazy56U: ...b-but the grave was unmarked, how did she jump to this conclusion... ...the fuck.

MrSing: What? What killed her? Was it high blood pressure? Was she just allergic to trees? Come on, fic.

JofY: No, it was the darkness inside that killed her.

RingmasterJ5: And then Applebloom was a zombie. Anyway, now we have a bit of an… interesting… comparison between these next two fics, which we’ll get to later. The first is pseudo-Shakespearean bullshit submitted by the author, that Fallen suggested we run after I was skeptical we could really get anything out of it.

Fallen Prime: I have faith in your talents, considering you tore so hard into “The Catch” that it turned into its own spin-off parody story. I took one look at this story, and after an initial “Ohhhhhhhh nooooooooooo” reaction, figured you guys would make something work, even if that something is just exaggerated incredulity. But hey, it’s short.

CaptainPipsqueak: In some cases, so is pneumonia.

Crazy56U: (slow blink) ...oh. ...joy...

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, “Sunpraiser 64” written and submitted by Hailspider.

SC276: Oh joy, a trip back to the days of blocky polygonal graphics. ...I mean, I like the N64, but I suspect I’m going to hate it soon.

Bucephalus: Wait, it’s over? That’s the stupidest ending I’ve seen in ages, and I sat through the parasprites.

Crazy56U: Wait… dear God, don’t tell me it’s a religious game story...

Another Day

Crazy56U: Another nickel, because the economy.

I. Pianissimo

SC276: Il Pianissimo.

Bucephalus: Nah. Me Claudius.

Crazy56U: Oh God, not one of these guys, with their fancy music terms...

MrSing: ~sta nfronte a te!~

Here a pony was, a pegasus was she.

Waterpear: oh god everything is yoda what did I do to deserve this

CaptainPipsqueak: The fuck up you shall shut.

Bucephalus: If this feels bad, just imagine if it was Jar Jar Speak.

Crazy56U: ...I already hate this…

JofY: But she was not the pony, for only the pony was a pegasus, but only the pegasus

could only be a she.

She existed, and alone she did exist not.

Scarlet: “Don’t act so surprised, Zorin. I am everywhere, and I am nowhere!”

Crazy56U: ...so, she’s suffering from McFly Syndrome? Is she flickering in and out of existence due to paradoxes?

MrSing: Is this whole thing written in empty platitudes?

JofY: Calm down. It’s just a dig at an anti-social life.

At all times, somepony was there, at most a leg-and-a-hoof's length away. The city. Gleaming sat a white castle, which dominated keeping everything else dominated,

Waterpear: Keeping things dominated is generally what things that dominate do.

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, it never hurts to restate that.

Crazy56U: This is a weird adaptation of “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”...

and it was always busy, unavoidably so, performing actions the Princess deemed necessary. One more worker was all she was in the hive of a glistening empire. By the Princess the sun was raised, and upon its repositioning began the day.

Scarlet: Through discombobulation did the text communicate information about the setting.

SC276: And it did so very poorly.

Crazy56U: That… was confusing...

Awoke Sunpraiser

Crazy56U: That pony’s parents must fucking hate them…

JofY: What? Did they think Luna was best pony?

as began the day did, the fragments of a dissipating dream disappearing from her mind, pretty it had been, and not did she wish to forget it, but such was the way of dreams, a fate inescapable.

Scarlet: “Much like the creative writing class I am writing this to get extra credit in.”

SC276: Please, for a creative writing class, this would be a required assignment. Like the time I wrote a poem about a town of stuffed animals entirely in limericks.

Crazy56U: Thank you for explaining how dreams work. Can we have a point to this story now, please?

A dream of what, she no longer knew, lost was it already.

Crazy56U: Little did she know, it was a dream of a better written story………

Topher: *brandishing a pistol* ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!

Crazy56U: (winces, grabs ear) Dude, indoor voices, k, thanks.

Topher: NO

Fixate on it, she must not, herself reminded she.

SC276: Y’know, the whole “iambic pentameter” thing would work better if it was split into actual lines.

Crazy56U: I am all but tempted to just up and abandon this riff…

Topher: I mean, bad grammar and spelling is one thing, I can deal with that, but this is just dumb, and the author clearly has enough of a grasp of English for this to be deliberate.

Out of her bed climb she did, taking care to disturb not the bunk below hers and the reclining pony that within it could be found.

Scarlet: And down she did climb the stairs, I presume.

CaptainPipsqueak: And then breakfast she did have. Waffles they were.

Crazy56U: She woke up at 7AM, making sure she was fresh as she went down stairs. She gotta have a bowl. Gotta have cereal.

CaptainPipsqueak: Fuck that, man. Waffles. With fruit and whipped cream.

Topher: *shoots Crazy in the head* WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT SONG.

Crazy56U: (grabs head in pain) W-what’s that? Link another Friday song? Okay!

Started later was the day for that pony; her job was during the night. Her friend that pony was, she was of the name Twilight, her repetition was counted at 127.

Scarlet: We’re only a few paragraphs in and I want to beat this prose gimmick to death with a blunt object already.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hell, I’m starting to smell sounds.

SC276: I’m pretty sure your repetition is much higher, story.

Bucephalus: *twitches feebly on the ground* The grammar… the yoda speak… someone just end it...

Crazy56U: ...bye. (leaves)

It was a popular name, fit for a princess it was and dream near everypony did of a princess being, stifled by reality though those dreams were.

Scarlet: “The remainder of the populace dreamed of being robots.”

SC276: So, wait, is this Twilight Sparkle, or…?

Topher: No, it’s Twilight Sparkle stand-in #24598.

JofY: Ah, I see the writer got the subtlety sledgehammer.

The private bedroom shared by these two was departed from by her, but not without affixing her saddlebags to her flank, covering her proof of talent, a symbol of the sun which she must praise, trust, and possessing the importance of the highest degree, obey; her compliance the fragile peace was kept alive by. Into the residential dwelling's common room went she.

Scarlet: “Shakespearean.” You bastards lied to me. This isn’t Elizabethan, it’s written entirely in Yoda!

Bucephalus: Why not take the both of best worlds and read William Shakespeare’s Star Wars? Or do the reverse and read the crappy MLP Fanfic written by Yoda to emulate Shakespeare?

A trio of other duos lived here, and they all shared this room. Awake none of the others were. Alone was she always in the morning.

SC276: Always was putting “A” words at the beginning of her sentences.

Bucephalus: Asinine, this fanfic is.

Stark was the room, just like every other room in the residential district, just five doors, one on each of the walls, each distinguished by a symbol, except in the case of the unadorned door to the outside, a table at which she was sitting,

Scarlet: a wall of unbroken text continuing for far too long,

and a mechanical cold cabinet in which food was stored.

A mandatory meal she quickly ate, despite feeling no hunger.

JofY: You know those times when you have lunch even though you aren’t feeling hungry? that’s the government.

It was mandatory,

SC276: We know, author, you just said that.

CaptainPisqeak: Maybe it’s mandatory that it be said twice?

Topher: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH MAKE IT STOP!

and disobey her Princess' word dare to she did not -- Citizens fuel the empire, and food fuels the citizens.

SC276: Are you telling me Equestria’s turned into the Soviet Union? ~The food on your plate / now belongs to the State…~

Bucephalus: Dangit. Reading 1984 is bad enough in school. Reading it on my free time? Someone tell me how long I have left in this purgatory so I can get it out of the way.

II. Piano

Scarlet: Are we seriously doing this? Music dynamics? The hell do they have to do with this?

CaptainPipsqueak: ...she says, as though there will be a logical answer…

Bucephalus: Sing us a song for the piano man~ Cause we’re in the mood for a melody~

Beyond the walls of her house she soon went, heading onwards towards her workplace. It was the management of the Bureau of Acceptance in which she was employed, despite her age being one of relative youth.

Scarlet: Am I reading a non-Chatoyance TCB fic? Because I have a standing policy of nope.

Bucephalus: 1984. I refuse to take a step further until someone disproves me.

All the rules did she follow, except one, and her secret being found out she did forever dread. It was a break unseen, unsensed, as act upon it did she not.

JofY: She, was a teenage young adult with little to no personality chosen for greatness by a prophecy.

She had seen the cost of action and kept it instead purely to the dominion of dreams. Interloped upon her mind was not, of a fear of disrupting its desirable eccentricities.

Scarlet: “Such as this delightfully whimsical and not at all distracting way of sentence arrangement.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It’s not annoying, it’s ‘artistic.’ You just don’t get it, dude.”

Topher: Stylistic suck STILL SUCKS.

She had a talent, though her "special" one was it not, of finding those who foolishly engorged themselves with worldly pleasures instead of helping the empire.

Scarlet: Oh great. We’re in a TyrantPone fic. Can I go back to when this sounded like it might be TCB?

SC276: Soviet Russia!Equestria, I freakin’ called it.

Bucephalus: I wish you guys could not predict what terrible plot we’re in.

Scarlet: Usually if we’re wrong it’s because things go a layer of stupid deeper.

Topher: In Soviet Russia, fic riff you! There, we got that obligation out of the way.

Matter not did it the vice, find it she could always manage to. Nonreproductive sex -- Fornication is not recreation!

Scarlet: “Give service to thy brothers within the community before the inhabitants of a brothel! Before the hoes doth come the bros!”

SC276: Great, Equestria has sex police now, and it’s being run by a sunbutt.

Bucephalus: Well… If that’s a rule, I know where I’m not taking a vacation.

JofY: Oh, hell. This religious?

Smoking -- Pointless poisoning of the person!

Scarlet: Alliteration- Aimless Ambling Attempts at Amusement!

SC276: Do you hear someone headdesking in the distance?

Bucephalus: War is peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is strength. 2 + 2 = 5! Big Brother’s always watching!

Topher: Of course he’s watching! He’s been a big fan of our work since 1984.

These were her domains frequent-most. Although with the material

SC276: And the double-spaces.

also produced by her Bureau, based on the Princess' words, these desires had been well-suppressed increasingly well as of late.

JofY: “Oh, god. This chocolate is terrible.”

“You heard her! BAN ALL CHOCOLATE!”

Possessing nearly noponies to punish pleased the Princess.

Scarlet: Yay.

CaptainPipsqueak: If he don’stop with dat ‘literatism, I’mma cut a bitch...

Arrive she did at the building that housed the Bureau; the gleaming, ancient castle where once had lived ancient princesses, dominating over an empire of far less significance.

SC276: The Bureau for making sure worldly pleasures don’t go overboard is located in the Castle of the Two Sisters? Y’know, in the middle of the Everfree?

Topher: [Celestia] “It’s there for the best reasons! IRONIC REASONS!”

Housed it did her sole temptation as well. A fellow worker, a desired lover, but an unattainable one.

Scarlet: Out of your league, she was?

For there was no viability of offspring.

Scarlet: Homophobia. Yay.

A close friendship she did settle for instead. Once inside the building, she wandered through the old-fashioned, pointlessly elaborate corridors until her office she did reach.

Topher: Oh, you hate “Old fashioned, pointlessly elaborate” things, do you? Then WHY DO YOU INSIST ON WRITING LIKE THIS?!

Today there was quite the mountain of paperwork, reports of much possible illegal activity to investigate.

Scarlet: This is the most exciting story ever written. Oh my god.

CaptainPipsqueak: You mean ‘excruciating’, right?

Waterpear: Rearranging these sentences worthwhile is not. Not, I say!

Bucephalus: I went and anagrammed your sentence, Cap. A Right Yucca Meringue Toxin… Makes about as much sense as this story.

She called for her assistant, the dear friend aforementioned to work here,

SC276: She’s crushing on her help, yeah, that just makes it worse.

and gazed her assistant almost, but not quite affectionately. Good mornings and other pleasantries were exchanged before remembering her intent with the call.

Scarlet: “The Booty.”

CaptainPipsqueak: tay. Boo-tay.

It was not one of friendship; it was one of necessity.

SC276: Given the kingdom has thrown off “worldly pleasures,” I would suspect that’s most intents these days.

Coffee was needed to start her workday properly: a common vice, but one not of significant importance for a proclamation prohibiting it by the Princess.

SC276: I don’t understand coffee at all. If you need to wake up and get some energy, drink some Gatorade or something.

Scarlet: Tea-drinking master race!

Topher: HELL YEAH! *raises a mug of earl grey*

III. Forte

Waterpear: I’d prefer Silencio henceforth.

SC276: Whoever spaced these chapters has their work cut out for them. Unless these were all posted in the same “chapter,” in which case, the author is an idiot.

Bucephalus: One word: Ritardando.

Newly-delivered hot coffee in hoof, she started to read.

JofY: ‘Waring, Coffee may be hot.”

The first case: a charge of adultery. It was rare, and tended to break a community's harmony. She understood as to why her opinion was required, tricky this case was.

Scarlet: It required refusing to present crucial evidence until the last moment, which is kinda BS but oh well.

Bucephalus: I’m confused. Have we ruled out the possibility of our protagonist being a gay, commie yoda yet?

While the law that it did break was clear, unclear was its actual existence.

SC276: So wait, it’s not clear the law exists, or…?

Bucephalus: To quote 1984, “This was not illegal (nothing was illegal, since there were no longer any laws), but if detected it was reasonably certain that it would be punished by death, or at least by twenty-five years in a forced-labour camp." Effectively, we’re reading about what happens when you get Faust as Big Brother.

Bringing the charge to court formally, as the standard procedure was, could ruin the life of an innocent if not handled well. Proceeded she did anyway, having the case sent to court.

Scarlet: Ruining innocent lives, her concern was not.

Bucephalus: At this point, do you even care?

At this time, this early in the morning, care she did not of the lives she might ruin.

JofY: I’m sorry, but, are we supposed to care in any way?

It was not immoral -- All's fair in love and pursuit of Harmony.

JofY: Like sex out of wedlo-... Like having a ciga-... Uhhh…..

(That slogan was admittedly among the least catchy, and was an eternal disappointment to the Bureau.)

Scarlet: Foul! Breaking with the text gimmick! Twenty-five paragraph penalty, still third chapter!

Bucephalus: No, you fool! Don’t give it more paragraphs! Make the penalty taking away paragraphs, not adding them!

Scarlet: Did I ever specify whether we were adding them? I think not! Oh ye of little faith.

Authorize many difficult cases she did, her available legal staff was decimated within hours.

SC276: So… she’s a prosecutor?

JofY: “Oh no! A case! PANIC!”

Topher: The plot of Pulp Fiction in a nutshell.

Eventually, it was time for a lunch break. She went to the archaically styled dining-hall, ate a bland meal quickly, out of hunger this time, and slept. The coffee had not been of much help; her tolerance had grown greater.

Scarlet: As my tolerance, unfortunately, shrinks.

SC276: I’m as tolerant as a sack of hammers to the face.

Bucephalus: Guys, I think I’m gonna be comatose after this. Bury me somewhere pretty.

Did she dream? Not even she could tell. But the better it was that way.

SC276: Dare to dream, sister.

Upon the conclusion of her break, and her rest, she returned to work. The mountain of paperwork she had had she had whittled down to just a handful of cases before the break. Her leave could prematurely be embarked upon if she managed to deal with these.

Scarlet: Ooh, do I get to go home early if I finish this fic then?

SC276: That and, what, two fics after it? I don’t know.

CaptainPipsqueak: I used to have thoughts like that until I realized that I was already home.

IV. Fortissimo

SC276: And then suddenly giants. Cookie to anyone who gets that reference.

Case the first was an erroneous conviction. Easily was it resolved by her. Her efficiency was admirable. It was decided that the conviction would not be overturned, or rather that no attempt to overturn it would be made, a difference on a purely technical level.

JofY: Ah, so she’s efficient in not giving a shit.

A pony would be punished for crimes they did not commit , but…

Scarlet: Shit, did whoever keeps shooting at me take out the narrator? Thank you!

Topher: You’re welcome! Wait, Shit. *Hides gun behind back*

...It didn't really matter, did it?

Scarlet: Never mind, you rat-bastard.

An attempt to overturn was a pointless artifact of the ancient days where "Friendship" ruled; justice was not important these days. Her available lawyers were down to two, after all.

Scarlet: Uh. No. What. The court system in our world is overburdened and yet it still functions what.

SC276: We will use not-friendship in the future.

Bucephalus: “Sir, I plead that the commie ponies are not evil. They just have a habit of putting anyone who doesn’t obey to sleep… That sounds bad, doesn't it?”

Case the second

SC276: Book the third, Game the first. Who wrote this, Lemony Snicket?

Bucephalus: Wouldn’t Snicket’s version have a thirty page backstory on the coffee she’s drinking? Actually, that sounds far more interesting. One of you go to your keyboard and get writing.

was a murder, something rare, a perverted execution of purely one sided desires. Inharmonious it was. A plea of guilt it was as well, she felt no need to waste any time on this. She had the case bypass the courts (an action that required much additional paperwork); the punishment would be the same this way as it would be if a real trial had been had.

Scarlet: Do we have a point we’re working toward? I hope we have a point we’re working toward.

Case the final was one she had expected not!

SC276: Expecto notronum!

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God, I think I’m having an absence seizure…

JofY: Ack! Narrative emotion!

It was alarming, and in truth, not a case in the least! A case against herself, laced not to evaluate, but to gloat. A betrayal! Of her own assistant!

SC276: So, a civil case where the assistant is suing her boss? Over what, exactly?

CaptainPipsqueak: Magical reasons.

A case of ill intent towards the Princess, a crime otherwise known as attempted conspiracy. A false case, but how close her betrayer was would skew the court towards the claim's truth.

Scarlet: Oh no. She was hoisted on her own petard and ironically dealt with in the same way she dealt with others. wooooo.

CaptainPipsqueak: Where is the petard even located? That sounds kind of painful.

SC276: I’ve lost track. I can tell this is supposed to be important, but for the life of me, I have no idea what’s happening.

JofY: Uh… The paper she picked up was the office gossip?

It had already been approved, directly by the Princess herself -- At the end of the day, you will be discharged and taken into custody.

Scarlet: “Make sure you refill the printer on your way out, it’s a pain in the ass for everyone else in the office if you don’t.”

CaptainPipsqueak: And be careful with the cartridges - that ink stains like a bitch.

Her career was at an end!

JofY: What cruel thing had she done to deserve such a fate, to be discarded by others who could easily help. Who would be so cruel to do that!?

It was over for her, taken down by an unknown internal rivalry. She did not regret this, she knew that something of this sort was inevitable; she only thought about how much paperwork it would be for her successor.

Scarlet: Man I kind of wish this story hadn’t gone with such a ridiculous text gimmick because that line’s kind of poignant. And funny.

SC276: And now I can’t tell if it’s the boss or the assistant that’s going to be arrested.

Waited she did for the end of the day. When it came, she was prepared. Everything was in order, prepared for her successor. Arriving in her office were two guards, who took her away without a struggle.

Waterpear: This story is less of a majestic, brooding classical piece and more like “skull trumpet 10 hours.” (doot doot)

SC276: Oh OK, so it’s the boss getting arrested for… treason or something? Oh my fucking god, Shakespeare was clearer than this.

Bucephalus: I’d say Shakespeare’s clearer than most writers we riff. At least it’s clear in his stuff that Romeo’s an idiot who doesn’t check for pulses.

V. Decrescendo --> Pianissimo

Here was not a pony, not any longer.

SC276: Nor is there a coherent plot.

Bucephalus: Nor had there ever been.

The castle gleamed in the fading sunset, as the Princess began to raise the moon, the symbol of the day's conclusion. Away from the city, in the town, in the house of crystal, sat the Princess. She smiled to herself and uttered a few final words.

Scarlet: “That was utterly ridiculous.”

Another perfect day.

JofY: We hope you’ve enjoyed no moral theater.

RingmasterJ5: Now, remember that bit about “comparison” I mentioned at the top of the last one?

Fallen Prime: No, I don’t. My brain’s been fried and irreversibly tinted purple.

CaptainPipsqueak: Grape purple, or brurple?

RingmasterJ5: Well, I brought it up because that fic’s basically the exact opposite style as this next one, something evident just by looking at its author, apple short. ...Yeah, I’ll let Fallen take it from here.

Fallen Prime: Oh, the history with this guy. He was a big figure on the badfic scene way back when the Train Wreck Explorers were still a thing for those four glorious months in 2012. Massive troll, that was pretty readily apparent, and his best-known fic was “The Tail (Get It ;P) Of pRince Martin Willis,” which I myself did a solo riff of (while making a sad attempt to maintain apple short’s “cover”). It’s an unholy mess of Gary Stu overpowered super-sexing shenanigans that must be seen to be believed, and it is truly a work of trolling art. What we’ve got here, while not that story, is another one of apple short’s works.

RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, “Changing The ColorOf Apples” by apple short and submitted by ZealousChristian24. And yes, that typo is in the actual title as well.

Sigma: I hate you guys so much right now.

SC276: Oh my god, I actually remembered that fic name. This is going to suck.

Crazy56U: (comes back) Okay, so, what did I- oh dear.

Topher: Oh goody! Appleshort! this guy is comedy gold!

Chapter 1

Suddenly applejack was farming.

Fallen Prime: Surprise...?

CaptainPipsqueak: What was Applejack doing all this time?

SC276: One second she was in her room… um, looking over her photo album, and the next second, BAM, out in the field!

Crazy56U: Well, at least this isn’t during “Magical Mystery Cure”...

Bucephalus: As opposed to… doing cupcakes?

It hit her with amazing creativeness and supreme recognition

SC276: I require your assistance in a matter of the utmost importance.

Crazy56U: Except this was farming, so she’s exaggerating the fuck out of it.

that she hated the color red because blue seemed to be much better when she gazed at it with intense furry.

Scarlet: Shit! The furry intensity is too much! It’s going to explode into spontaneous dramatic readings of Redwall books and Ironclaw sessions! Hit the deck!

CaptainPipsqueak: Christ, furries ruin everything.

Sigma: Especially the Christ-y Furries.

Crazy56U: Applejack is a furry, confirmed. ...I want to eat glass now…

Bucephalus: *twitches* They’re everywhere….

SC276: Given logistics, I find your reactions hilarious.

Scarlet: Agreed. Oh so agreed~

Her brows rose and she eyed the apples in her hands

SC276: You mean her hooves? Or did we wander into anthro territory again?

Crazy56U: ...this is an Equestria Girls fic, isn’t it…

Topher: Nope, just Appleshort.

and sighed with her eyes closed to tears and her body shook with intense pain and upsetting and deep despair of the worst kind.

Scarlet: ...Apple Picking Beam now makes perfect sense.

SC276: Given the chance, I would’ve bathed the whole world in this glorious feeling!

Crazy56U: Why are you farming apples, then, if it upsets you so?

CaptainPipsqueak: She’s a masochist. Pain is pleasure. Hatred is love.

JofY: Yes, something isn’t your favorite color. Your life is hell.

Only because ast .

Crazy56U: Oh, so she’s upset because of ast, now everything makes sense… (pulls out a bucket of glass shards) (begins eating)

Topher: Can I get some of that?

“well howdy this sucks!” She screamed with maliscoius excitement

Waterpear: Maliscoius? Perhaps you meant Malus coronaria, the sweet crabapple?

CaptainPipsqueak: No man; it’s like a cross between ‘malicious’ and ‘delicious’.

SC276: That’s me Lucky Charms, they’re maliciously delicious!

Crazy56U: Why are you “excited” if you are upset?!?!

and threw the apples at the tree and bucked the air with both back feet.

Scarlet: And succeeded in accomplishing nothing?

CaptainPipsqueak: Are you blind? She kicked the shit out of that fruit fly!

Crazy56U: Did Applejack just have a stroke, the fuck?!

Spike who was nearby because he was kicked out of rarity

Scarlet: Ew, he’s like, twelve! At most!

CaptainPipsqueak: Should...should we be reading this?

SC276: So she threw him up, or…?

Crazy56U: ... (pickets bucket back up) (continues to eat glass shards)

JofY: What was Rarity even doing there?

for being an asshole and beating the shit out of the angle bunny roared.

CaptainPipsqueak: Angular lagomorph for the win!

SC276: Talk about finding a new angle.

Crazy56U: Nothing about that sentence makes any sense.

Bucephalus: For once, I’m siding with Angel. Gah! What is this fanfic doing to me?

“What the heck?”

Crazy56U: I AGREE

He stuck his tongue out with flames that triangled out in red and his fists clenched with precise annoyed wrath.

SC276: No, precise annoyed wrath is what we have. You are just confusingly infuriating.

Crazy56U: How can you have precise wrath?! HOW?! (downs the rest of the bucket) ...that was a mistake… (coughs up blood) ...yep. (falls over, dies)

SC276: Is there a doctor in the house?

Scarlet: Eh, just wait a riff. He’ll be fine.

CaptainPipsqueak: A little silicone never hurt anyone.

Topher: I’m on it. *douses Crazy in gasoline, sets the body on fire*

Smoke piled upon him and he cried immensely and loudly. “You stupid butthole you plugged me with the stupid red apples!”

Scarlet: “You stupid butthole” indeed.

CaptainPipsqueak: She… plugged his butthole with apples?

Bucephalus: Guys, I regret joining you for this. Bring back Xblade, please, I beg of you!

He bit into one. His chin and teeth gnashing it to tiny red bits of food.

JofY: And then that red became blood!

That would soon be disassembled into his smokey ears and nose holes to become his wretched flame.

Scarlet: I’m not sure why you guys thought we should make jokes about this story. The prose does that just fine on its own.

SC276: Please, Scar, give us some credit. We have more sophisticated comedy than this.

JofY: THEN WHERE IS IT!?

Topher: *farts loudly*

“Well im sorry but these apples have pissed me off spike ok yall.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, the dragon’s full name is Spike Ok Yall.

Bucephalus: No, it’s spike ok yall. The bad grammar is key.

applejack sipped the cider. She sat down and cried with heaving plot and deep breasted sorrow.

SC276: The plot is heaving?

Bucephalus: It’s already in its death throes! Nobody get the defibrillator.

CapainPipsqueak: No problem there. Fluttershy is embracing the defibrillator and weeping softly. I think she may have issues.

Spike watched her depressed body and licked his lips as seductively as he could.

JofY:...Damn it! Did you get us another clop?

“It is ok because i am here for you.” She sobbed but did not stop him from being there.

Scarlet: Because she couldn’t quite muster enough power to buck him out of existence.

“I just like the color blue so much yall.” She wept with immense fear of tearing and she covered her face with one hoof and rubbed her pony neck with the other.

SC276: As opposed to her manticore neck.

Bucephalus: … I got nothing. That was the most stupid line I’ve ever seen in fanfic history. Nothing can top ‘I just like the color blue so much yall.’ Nothing.

Because spike had got to her.

“I will help you change there stupid color!” his tongue became long like and he slid it in and out of her ears and against her mane and against her eyes.

Scarlet: Wow, did that creepiness award change stories fast!

CaptainPipsqueak: Allow me to ask again: Should we be here?

Bucephalus: *Sirens begin to wail* Abandon ship! This fanfic is making Xblade look norma;! Jump ship! Save yourself!

JofY: *Jumps out of window.*

Topher: PREPARE THE POPCORN BOYS, THIS IS GONNA BE GOD!

“Twilight taught me to magic things and make them cool because I am destined for being amazing.”

SC276: Oh this is gonna suck.

Bucephalus: Spike… have you even been paying attention to the episodes dedicated to you?

He sparkled like the sky with a billion stars and Celests mane all rolled into one. He was super needy because rarity had cut him off and he squeezed her with sexy prowess.

Scarlet: A Gift which he had taken at character creation, along with its companion Gift “sexy proficiency”.

SC276: Well this just took a hard right into what-the-fuck-ville.

Bucephalus: No, even they wouldn't take it. They sent it straight to Tartarus, they hated it so much.

His tongue filtered between her horse mane hair and he squeeled with exceptional pleasure. “We have to be together like Martin Willis though to charge my mage powers.”

Waterpear: This is a trollfic where Spike is a wizard who uses sex magic to change the color of apples. It is already more interesting than the Yoda-esque story about...something totalitarian.

Scarlet: I think the moral of the last one was “Don’t forget to drink your coffee.”

CaptainPipsqueak: ...or how to word proper-like.

Bucephalus: I will also give this fic the award for funniest line compared to how bad the rest of the fic is.

Topher: Oh god, there’s a Willisverse canon?

“Well I guess that can’t be helped then ponyhowdy.” She said it to seem coy and flirting in appearance but deep. Down spike had turned her into a roaring stallion of the most viral and pleasure seeking.

Scarlet: Ah, the Big Mac/GaoGaiGar crossover that I never realized I needed until now!

Waterpear: You know, apple short invented a new type of purple prose. He’s playing a persona of a god damn moron, but such a person wouldn’t know the word “virile,” not even to confuse it with “viral.”

CaptainPipsqueak: No, it’s not a mis-spell. Applejack has crabs.

SC276: Why is Applejack a roaring stallion? Does she have a mismatching gender identity now or something?

CatainPipsqueak: And crabs.

“we should probably hurry though so I dont harvest all the apples before they change color.” She drank the cider.

SC276: Where is she even getting cider from anyway?

CaptainPipsqueak: Consider the color of cider.

“Yeah.” Spike quited with unbelievable accuracy and lifted his tongue to her lips. “Kiss me then we will make love.”

SC276: I don’t think whatever’s about to happen is going to be love.

Bucephalus: *tries to shoot self* Who removed the bullets? Scarlet, was it you?

Scarlet: If I must suffer, we all must suffer.

Topher: Which is why I took the bullets from your pocket, Scarlet! *Shoots Bruce in the kneecap*

applejack blushed to the color of apples all over her skin and opened her mouth so they could make out.

Scarlet: Spike took the opportunity to swallow her tongue whole and devour it.

Bucephalus: You just turned Spike into Nicodemus. I am okay with that.

Then spike made love to her.

Scarlet: It’s okay guys. They didn’t fuck, Spike’s still young enough to think that making valentine’s cards together counts as “making love.”

“Ya that feels so good.” He licked her mane and tail to taste her secretly to become empored with feeling.

“SHUCKS SPIKE THAT IS SO BUCKING GOOD!” Applejack screamed with pleasure to spite.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m starting to feel my pleasure being spited as well.

SC276: I’m kinda just at my happy place right now and not really paying attention.

Bucephalus: BRB, going to talk with the devil and ask him whether he thought this through before getting someone to write it.

Let her sexy straw hair down and spike became inside of her and they were happy.

Scarlet: And Scarlet’s lunch suddenly became outside Scarlet’s body.

Suddenly winona.

Scarlet: ~Is standing beside you/Suddenly Winona/Is holding your hand!~

CaptainPipsqueak: I think the term “Suddenly winona” could fix any bad situation.

SC276: Suddenly, pineapples.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pineapples aren’t cuddly. Unless you’re doing something really wrong with them.

She was so pleased. And barked in dog speak that ponys and dragons know.

SC276: Somehow.

Bucephalus: [Winona] I’ve had this ability for what, five seasons, and you’ve never acknowledged my great ideas? Didn’t I give the idea for those cool purple costumes? And for the dragon code?

She wanted to join and help the farm become a better colored place than red and she had decided that she would cheer them on and that way the farm could have rare blue apples and become the coolest apple farm in all of ponyville and aqestria’

Scarlet: Not to be confused with Equestria. Playsets now available from reliable Hasbro bootleggers everywhere!

SC276: Why does the dog want in on the sex?

CaptainPipsqueak: Why wouldn’t she? I’m not sorry I asked that, by the way. Fuck y’all.

Bucephalus: Same to you pal, same to you.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh shush; you love me for it.

Scarlet: No. As a matter of fact, I don’t.

CaptainPipsqueak: Just wait for the drugs to kick in.

to the point that even twilight would be jealous of the might that spike produced with his love magic and understanding of deep points of pony skills.

Scarlet: I told the game host that letting Spike invest that many extra marks at character creation would lead to some hard feelings across the table, but noooo.

So spike let winona be. Winona licked applejacks face. And spike lifting his feet with extra care to be beside applejack one last time in quietness. they all had the greatest of marvelous sociable love and spike was fulfilled to laugh at rarity having cut him off for defeating the tyranny of her stupid pet angel.

Scarlet: Her angel was named Zakiel, and had fallen from grace aeons ago.

SC276: So the whole stupidity thing is a ruse, right? Well, I’m buying the whole thing based on getting the pets mixed up.

“Now I will cast the stupid fing spell.”

SC276: Ya effin’ bastard.

Bucephalus: Not sure if the title is referring to Spike’s feelings about it, or the spell's actual effect.

He screeched beyond loudness raising his neck so that his flame made him turn from purple to orange like applejack and she blushed. “apples beish blueicus.” He spit fire so high it reached the sun and celest saw it from canterlot.

Scarlet: And for good measure, he belched some smoke across the water to go with it.

Waterpear: “Some stupid with a flare gun burned the place to the ground”

SC276: What’s the Ultimate Gambler doing here?

Then all the apples became the color of red to the color blue.

“Heck yeah spike.” applejack beamed with immense pride and sipped the cider. “This is so awesome yall.” She eyed the now blue apples with acceptance and was pleased with him to the point they all made love once more in ecstatic celebration at their fantastic deed of saving the dullness of SWEET APPLE ACRES.

Scarlet: They synthesized it under laboratory conditions, using the latest modern equipment.

SC276: The apples turned blue and they had sex again. I’m so out of evens I’ve resorted to spending odds now.

Spike cried a little though because martin wasnt there to cheer and help. he knew that martin was busy and the most special pony ever though and could not always be there with spike around.

SC276: Oh right, this thing has continuity with that thing.

So he forgave him and with a laugh that tickled his heart to dark twisted desire.

Scarlet: Aaand Spike’s betraying the party. Told you, Game Host!

He lifted a claw and crushing it to a fist. Proclaimed. “I will write the actions of my deeds to share with him. because we are fing bros.”

SC276: Super Fing Bros, the lamest ripoff of Super Mario Bros ever conceived.

Bucephaus: [Spike] Now I will play you the fing song of my people. Followed by the fing meal of my people.

And Applejack didnt mind because she was so pleased with the color of the apples and being together with Spike. Applejack sipped the cider.

SC276: Where is this cider coming from?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Again, consider cider’s color.

Bucephalus: [Cthulhu] I bestow upon you, Spike, the power of unlimited cider. Drive those riffers mad!

It was another great day in ponyville working hard and being friends with everyone like spike.

Scarlet: And only people who were like Spike. Those who differed were shunned.

CaptainPipsqueak: So...everyone, then?

SC276: It was a beautiful, sunny day.

Bucephalus: Look, he’s got a community of loser friends.

Spike grinned to ecstacy and laughed rolling his tongue like magic. “it was good to be with applejack.” he wrote last to his self letter and sighed.

Granny Smith nodded. “Sometimes we are like the apples and we are red. We wish to be the color blue. But we cannot change the color of ourselves to be for the happiness we desire. Instead we must allow someone with powerful magic to change us and make us what we should have been. Only then can we be happy with what our color should be all along but wasnt.”

Waterpear: You know, it’s hard enough to riff a trollfic as it is. When the trollfic is self-deconstructing, I have virtually nothing to work with.

Scarlet: The moral of this fanfic is apparently “trust in Jesus”. Who was this written by, the Insane Clown Posse?

SC276: Doesn’t using properly-constructed sentences break troll kayfabe?

Bucephalus: I always figured that my love of red was cause I liked blood, fire and all that fun war stuff. Does it really mean that I am a terrible person who doesn’t like the one true color? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Spike glowed in pride at being called a mage and gave the thumbs up sign to granny smith.

CaptainPipsqueak: So...she raised a hoof?

Applejack sipped the cider and nodded. It was all good.

Chapter 2

SC276: Oh god there’s MORE.

Bucephalus: It’s like we’re tripping over more and more horrible chapter- Oh wait. That was the parasprites. *Shot in the head*

Then everything became a wonder of the most unshocked bewilderement. "Ihave come to see what i can show you my friends because their is a problem here with your farm and it will bring you down!"

SC276: ...Come again?

CaptainPipsqueak: In a minute.

Sigma: Please don’t.

Bucephalus: ERROR MESSAGE: 084 072 073 083 032 083 084 079 082 089 032 077 065 075 069 083 032 078 079 032 076 079 071 073 067 065 076 032 083 069 078 083 069 046 032 083 079 077 069 066 079 068 089 032 080 076 069 065 083 069 032 083 072 079 079 084 032 077 069 046

There was a magic voice and Applejack could tell that just from its screeched anguish of believable mass understanding that it meant serious issue with them all.

Scarlet: Oh look! It’s the fimfic reader community!

"Yall i think we are in a horrible state of badness!"

SC276: Fawful, get out of the fic!

Bucephalus: I have no words. We have crossed over into the dimension of stupidity.

Spike squeezed her once and planted a lip upon her heavy hearted chest and weaved an ok speech with his tongue. "We can weather it because i am a dragon."

SC276: Whether, whether, whether, whether, whether you like it or not.

applejack nodded but still kept a little reserve of deep seated fear that trembled her in squeshy excitement.

Scarlet: Ew.

"THERE IS GOING TO BE SEVER MISCALCULATIONS IF YOU DO NOT MAKE THE LOVE TO SPIKE RIGHT NOW!"

CaptainPipsqueak: AND I DARE YOU TO GUESS WHAT WILL BE SEVERED!

Bucephalus: *twitches* Cap, shoot me and end it for me.

the voice boomed with the authority of love driven by its wisdom and granny smith gave the thumbs up sign for it to be a true non speaker of the past.

Scarlet: Lacking thumbs, her attempt ended in failure.

SC276: So are they going to fuck because the big booming voice told them to, or is my brain still broken?

CaptainPipsqueak: I think it’s okay if it’s both.

Bucephalus: Kent, this is Jesus. … You can skip a dozen pages if you tell me where that’s from.

So spike smacked applejack down and they made it all the way with the most fruity abundance.

suddenly it was all black. And they were in FREAKING agreement of the situation. they were in a blinking pony eye.

Scarlet: I was only a few paragraphs into chapter two when the drugs began to take effect.

SC276: Oh my god, more people literally describing visual tropes again. His specter will never stop haunting us…!

Spike looked through to the glass and sighed with a most realized chest that fulfilled its satisfied loneliness with misdirected nguish.

CaptainPipsqueak: Without the ‘A’ to lead it, the poor thing couldn’t cross a street without getting lost.

"We are truly stuck within the eye of another."

SC276: No, that’s just the author sucking. And failing at it.

Bucephalus: [Applejack] Ow. Dragon spikes are painful when they get in your eyes.

"YES." Granny smith whispered with the ways of the old

SC276: Also, she said something about R'lyeh.

Bucephalus: Ia, ia, Cthulhu fhtagn.

and licked her tongue feebly. sometimes we are trapped in this world of miscreated guidleins when in fact it is the most of us that can do. This world we know is fake but to us it is real so it is not fake.

SC276: A believable lie might as well be the truth. Thankfully, everything about this fic is unbelieveable.

We are the eye of what we behold and we are to be beholded by the eye that is around us.

Scarlet: Morals so far- Always Trust Jesus and Beware the Eye of Sauron.

To see outside through to the world is not within our knowledge to be achieved at ease! We are to be directed to the understanding that we fortell. Even being in the eye of another tiny pony somewhere does not mean we are meaningless because until she blinks we are real. So live the world you know and exist in love." she fell asleep.

Scarlet: Yeah, man.

SC276: I probably would be too if I wasn’t so freakin’ confused.

(Also i added a better accepted moral since the last one was tragically misrevealed to be not quite loved.)

SC276: No, that’s not because of the moral, that’s because this story makes no fucking sense.

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s a troll story - by definition they make no sense.

Applejack sipped the cider and plot bumped her granny with the most real inversion of acceptance. "We are indeed to be making love for happiness." With magnitude of happy brief all thre of them thumbs up each other.

Scarlet: They had constructed thumbs specifically for the occasion.

So spike and her created applesauce with their great love of diligence. squishing the apples between themselves and allowing the slickness of scrunch it created to become a fulfilling sight within their breif moment of belief that carried a role of the world in the blinking pony eye of smallness.

Scarlet: And that was how Sweet Apple Acres went bankrupt!

SC276: So wait, are they making applesauce by crushing apples between their torsos? What?

(PS the tiny eye they are in is appletinis eye. Because when applejack went to everfree again the blue flower created a second applejack but small as a lol.

Waterpear: Small as the lol I am having right now.

and this world of aquestria that spike and applejack are in togertheness for brief moments to be stretched into forever with their uber soft love resides of course. In the flower joke in the world of ponyville in the everfree in appletinis eye in a blink in time.)

SC276: ...What?

Scarlet: This was a funnier and more poignant moral when Animaniacs covered it. Next!

RingmasterJ5: And now comes the point where I expect most of the commenters to abandon ship. Since, unlike the last three fics which never passed 3K, this one’s around 7K. There were a few shorter options on the list, yeah, but they were both really self-aware comedy fics that don’t really lend that well to riffing, and half of the reason we’re doing these Shuffles is to clear out some of the shorter things from the pile, so here we are.

Fallen Prime: Let’s keep self-aware comedy submissions to a minimum in the future. Our schtick is making fun of stories, and it ain’t easy to do when they’re already making fun of themselves. Not to mention the redundancy.

RingmasterJ5: Exactly. So, without further ado, the last fic of the Shuffle, “Dax’s Despair” written and submitted by Dark Angel AW.

SC276: Despair, you say? *pulls out a Monokuma*

CaptainPipsqueak: Upupupupu....

Dax’s Despair

X ~ 9 years ago ~ X

SC276: Great, we’re opening with a freakin’ flashback.

CaptainPipsqueak: They should open a story with a flashforward. Then it will already have been over.

“Push! Push! PUSH!!! PUSH!!! PUSH!!!”

SC276: “Stop pulling on the door, ya dip!”

a light blue earth pony named Nurse Tenderheart shouted as she was encouraging a pegasus mare with a white coat, a golden mane and tail, and a cutie mark of the sun shining through the clouds. The pegasus' mane was matted with sweat as she attempted to give birth.

Scarlet: She kept rolling a bit too low on the labor check.

SC276: Do we have to get the protagonist’s entire life story?

“WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME?!!!”

JofY: Pulling.

the white pegasus growled as she continued to push as hard as she could.

CaptainPipsqueak: (Nurse Tenderheart) “Well, if that’s going to be your attitude, you can just deliver this baby yourself!”

“Come on, honey. Just a little more,” a blue unicorn with a silvery gray mane and tail and a cutie mark of a pocket watch swinging back and forth said.

SC276: ...I don’t like where this is going.

Bucephalus: I’d jump ship if I were you. This is probably the Iceberg of our Titanic.

The unicorn was the pegasus' husband, “Just one more good push, Shine.”

Scarlet: This scene brought to you by literally every labor scene in fiction ever.

Shine then grabbed her husband's hoof and squeezed as she did one final push, “AAAHHHHH!!!!!” Shine shouted.

“AAAHHHHH!!!!!” the unicorn shouted in pain as his wife squeezed his hoof.

Scarlet: “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SQUEEZING ME WITH?”

Finally, after an agonizing labor, the sound of a whine coming from a foal was heard, “Congratulations,” Nurse Tenderheart said in a gentle tone, as she held up a small foal wrapped in a white blanket, “It's a filly.” Tenderheart then handed the foal to her mother.

Scarlet: Yay.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Excitement. Cigars for everyone. Even the foal.

SC276: I made it all up. *a little confetti* Surprise.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...so do I get the cigars back?

Shine lifted the blanket to see the face of their newborn foal. She had a silver coat similar to her father's mane, a white mane and tail with blue highlights, and a small silver horn, “Oh, Trance, isn't she beautiful?” Shine asked her husband.

“...My hoof...” Trance said in a meek voice as he looked at his now crushed hoof.

Scarlet: Ha! An actual joke! I had forgotten those were a thing.

CaptainPipsqueak: I guess you could say he was ‘in a Tra’...no.

SC276: Yeah, I was afraid that was where it’d go.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I stopped myself, didn’t I?

The silver coated foal opened up her eyes and looked up at her mother. Shine was surprised at what she saw. Her left eye was sky blue like her mother's eyes. However, her right eye was silver, like her father's.

Scarlet: The mark of the goddess Mary Susan was upon her from her birth.

CaptainPipsqueak: She could fire lasers from the silver one.

“So, have you two thought of a name?” Tenderheart asked.

“Yes, we have,” Shine said, “Daxelia.”

Scarlet: And they called her name “Daxelia”, which means “pretentiously weird and exotic for the sake of exoticism.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Or ‘pronounce this however the fuck you want because I’m not helping’. Ten bucks says she becomes a Goth.

SC276: Well this can’t possibly result in a bunch of scarring teasing from her future classmates.

X ~ 5 years later ~ X

CaptainPipsqueak: Five whole years. And it felt like just two Xs, two ellipses a number and two words ago…

Shine was leaning her face against a tree and her eyes covered, “...Eight...Nine...Ten! READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!”

SC276: Ready or not, there I go! ...The wall’s still here.

Bucephalus: Ah, riffers and our running jokes. In all seriousness, that’s probably going to be there till the end of time. The ride never ends.

She called out before she started looking around the playground, apparently looking for something. She started by searching near the jungle gym.

Scarlet: Is it the plot? Are you looking for the plot? Let me help!

Shine was playing hide and seek with her daughter, Daxelia, who had just turned five today.

SC276: Um, ages are zero-index. Five years later, she should be turning four.

They were at Fillydelphia National Park. Shine knew that Daxelia wasn't hiding by the jungle Gym. In fact, she knew exactly where she was hiding. Her horn was sticking out of a bush. But she prolonged the seeking process to help play on Daxelia's ego.

Scarlet: I’ll be taking bets on which of Dax’s parents die before the third act.

SC276: Ten bucks says the mom, I have a feeling I know where her dad’s talent might be applied...

“Hmmm. I wonder where she could be,” Shine said out loud. That's when she heard a giggling coming from inside a bush. Shine continued to search around the park for her daughter until she gave Daxelia a clear shot to the tree that was 'safe'.

Scarlet: “Take the shot, Dax! Take it!”

The silver filly got out from under the bush and ran toward the tree.

SC276: Badda badda badda badda badda...

Hearing this, Shine took flight and flew toward her daughter to tag her. Daxelia had won the race to the tree. But only by a couple of seconds. Shine had still tackled her daughter just for fun.

“I won, mommy! I made it to safe before you caught me!” Daxelia said as she was laying pinned down on her back.

“Oh really now?” Shine stated as she playfully argued her daughter's claim, “Well I disagree. I think I caught you first.”

Scarlet: “And if you argue with me, you get the paddle again.”

Bucephalus: I’m going to go cry in a corner and pretend that Xblade and Kudzu haven’t ruined any lighthearted thoughts about this moment.

“Nuh-uh! I won!” Dax said with a giggle, “And that means you're it again!”

“We'll see about that,” Shine said as she put on a mock sinister smile and began to ruffle the feathers on her wings. Then she began tickling Daxelia with her wings, making her laugh uncontrollably, and squirm to try to escape.

Scarlet: *presses small, red button marked ‘d’awwww’.*

SC276: ...Did anyone else hear an explosion?

JofY: We ain’t that lucky.

“Hahaha...Please...hahahaha...stop...hahaha!” Daxelia managed to say through her laughing fit.

“Did I win then?” Shine asked as she continued her tickle torture.

“Hahaha...No...haha...me...hehehehe...win...hahaha!” was all Daxelia could say through her laughing fit.

SC276: Apparently, laughing reduces fillies to a lower grammar comprehension level.

As she continued to laugh, her horn was beginning to glow with magical energy. Then suddenly, the energy burst out in a magical explosion.

Scarlet: The end!

SC276: You know we’re not that lucky.

JofY: ...Eww.

Shine had stopped tickling Daxelia, taken by surprise by the explosion.

CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, most kids would have just accidentally peed themselves. She causes explosions.

Both her and Daxelia were covered with ash after the blast. Daxelia was now panting and exhausted. The burst of magical energy combined with her laughing fit took allot out of her.

Scarlet: The allot is a powerful, mighty beast. Having it removed would be quite exhausting.

“So...*pant*...Sorry, mo...*pant*...mommy,” Daxelia panted out an apology. This was in fact a common occurrence. Whenever Daxelia was startled or just had a build up of energy, she causes an explosion of magical energy. Her parents had gotten used to it.

Scarlet: Presumably they play hide and seek exclusively while surrounded by blast shields.

SC276: And yet she tickled the hell out of her anyway?

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s almost like she knows her days are numbered. Not that I would know, of course.

“It's okay, honey,” Shine said as she helped the filly back up, “Let's get back home and get cleaned up. It's about time that we should be getting back anyway.”

“Okay, mommy,” Daxelia said as she wobbled on her hooves. Daxelia's 'bursts' take allot of energy out of her. But she managed to regain her balance. Then they headed back to their home in the western district of Fillydelphia.

Scarlet: Wait, she was west Fillydelphia born and raised? And she’s spending most of her days on a playground? Damn it, Dark Angel!

SC276: ~Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool / and she was shootin’ some b-ball just outside the school...~

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

The western district of Fillydelphia was a rather run down area. It was not a suitable district to be raising a filly. But Shine and Trance didn't have much of a choice. It was all they could afford with their salary. Shine worked as a weather pony. But her family were known to be accident prone. Shine was nowhere near as accident prone as her cousin, Derpy Hooves.

JofY: But not for a lack of trying.

But because she was accident prone, Shine was only given small jobs that paid very little.

Scarlet: “Have we said the words accident prone enough?”

SC276: What even is the pay for a weather pony anyway? Given how much the rest of the kingdom depends on their services, I would think even the small jobs would pay more than minimum wage.

Trance however had a decent paying job as a hypnotherapist.

JofY: You know, a low paying job.

However, if they were to move, Trance would have to find a new job somewhere else.

SC276: I don’t have any knowledge of how hypnotherapy clinics work - in real life, I mean - but I would think he primarily works alone. Couldn’t he just relocate his practice?

It was bad enough that his daughter barely got to see him.

SC276: Not a lot of ponies really need the deep sleep, it seems.

When he left for work, Daxelia was usually still asleep. And when he got home, it was late, usually after Daxelia's bed time. And he had to work seven days a week.

Scarlet: I had no idea that hypnotherapy was such a demanding career.

SC276: Or apparently a lot of ponies need the deep sleep. Which is it, author?

However, today was different. Today, he had left for work like usual...at least that's what Shine and Daxelia thought.

SC276: Wait, shoot, is he going to die? Dammit, I got ten bucks on you surviving!

He knew that they were planning to go to the park today for Daxelia's birthday. Trance had taken the day off today. His boss, Orion, was strict and worked his employees hard. But he was kind hearted and understood that it bothered Trance that he barely got to spend time with his daughter. So when Trance asked to take the day off, Orion gave him the entire week off.

SC276: That is the… opposite of strict.

It was an unpaid vacation. But it was a small price to pay to spend time with his daughter.

Scarlet: An immortal soul here, a few clients sacrificed there...

Trance had heard of a great bakery in a small village known as Ponyville.

SC276: Oh great, canon collision. Just what this fic needed. And we’re not at the main part of the story yet.

He had ordered a birthday cake for Daxelia's birthday. And Shine's cousin was willing to meet him halfway to deliver the cake to him. So he only had to spend half a day away from home. So when Shine came home from the park with Daxelia, they would be surprised to see him there waiting for them. He had even obtained several party supplies from a hyperactive pony that had recently started working at the bakery.

Scarlet: Okay, but why not just ask Pinkie to organize it?

CaptainPipsqueak: There can be more than one hyperactive bakery pony. You’re not the boss of them.

SC276: Also, they’re in a completely different city, so...

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

CaptainPipsqueak: Does anyone think that looks like two X-Wing fighters shooting at each other?

SC276: The Rebellion was really going downhill before the whole New Hope chapter...

Daxelia and Shine were almost home when they ran into one of Trance's old patients. He was a blue earth pony with a white mane. He had a whistle cutie mark. He was simply known as Coach.

SC276: These are the least creative pony names I’ve ever heard. And I’ve read Mykan.

Trance had treated Coach when he hit his head and got amnesia. Trance's hypnotherapy helped him to recover his memory.

Scarlet: We are gathered here to mourn the tragic death of narrative flow. Recently it was struck headlong by a truckload of exposition. It shall be missed.

“Coach, what are you doing here?” Shine asked.

“Nothing much. Just going for a walk,” Coach replied with a grin, “I'm just waiting until I have to pick up my son later.”

“Pick up your son?” Shine asked curiously, “From where?”

Scarlet: [Coach] “Oh, certainly not the body bag I’ve packed him up in!”

“He...uh...went to a party,” Coach said nervously for some reason.

SC276: Stop riffing yourself.

Coach's son was a friend of Daxelia's, and he usually sees her on her birthday. But she hasn't seen him all day today. And this apparently explains why. But Dax still felt disappointed that she hasn't seen him on her birthday.

Scarlet: I was kidding.

SC276: So wait, he ditched his friend’s birthday party to go to… another party? Is that that folktale about how the spider got his thorax?

“Well...do you know when he'll be back?” Daxelia asked. Shine and Coach heard the disappointment in Daxelia's voice, and it hurt them. She really wanted to see her friend.

Scarlet: [Trance] “My God! She’s radiating an aura of pure disappointed adorable! No living being can withstand such power!”

SC276: Don’t worry, I’m dead inside.

“Don't worry. I'm sure you'll see him soon,” Coach said, trying to reassure the silver filly.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Very soon. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh.

“Well, it was good seeing you. But we've got to get home and wash up,” Shine said, “And make sure to tell you son to come and see Daxelia as soon as he can.”

“Yeah...I'll do that,” Coach replied. Then Shine and Daxelia headed back home.

Scarlet: I am certain nothing in this scene will be important later.

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

SC276: Pew pew, pew-pew pew!

“Alright, is everything ready?” Trance asked as he finished up setting up decorations. Then he looked over to the table where a young earth pony, who was not much older than Daxelia, was setting the table, “High Vault, Is the cake all set?”

Scarlet: “Remember, I don’t want the strippers to jump out until after Dax is already in bed.”

“All set, mister Trance!” exclaimed a young light brown earth pony with a pole vault cutie mark. It was impressive that a pony as young as he was has managed to get his cutie mark so early in his life. His cutie mark, like his name, tells what his talent is...jumping really high. Or in this case, jumping over pole vaults.

Scarlet: No. Really. I hadn’t guessed.

SC276: Yeah, all that exposition in combination with yet another unoriginal name made me really not care.

“Nice work. And just call me Trance. No 'mister',” Trance replied.

SC276: Not even if you paid me. And that’s serious, since I’m freakin’ broke.

Then he turned his attention to the main room, “What's the progress on the games?”

“All the games are set up!” a white pegasus filly, who was part of a group of foals, said.

SC276: [filly] “We got Mario Party and Dokapon Kingdom and… uh, I was running short on time, so I just picked up Sonic R.”

CaptainPipsqueak: YOU’RE DEAD TO ME.

“Alright,” Trance said before turning to the hallway, “And are the presents all hidden?”

Scarlet: “Because if they aren’t, I will end you.”

“That depends. Do you count yourself as one of the presents?” a green earth pony with a brown mane and tail said. He was an adult pony who had a cutie mark that was a blotch of browns and greens.

SC276: One, what is that supposed to mean, and two, who’s this jerk?

“You know what I mean, Camo. The presents that Daxelia's going to unwrap,” Trance said. Trance and Camo are foalhood friends. And Daxelia loved it when Camo came to visit. And Camo loved to visit Daxelia as well.

Scarlet: And I loved hearing about how they loved visiting! I loved it so much!

CaptainPipsqueak: And they love tennis, too.

SC276: Could’ve just said “honorary uncle,” but no, you had to unnaturally force it.

“I know, I know. But you should know that I'm the master of hiding. Everything's all hidden,” Camo replied.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...and not the master of unlocking?

SC276: [Trance] “You’re going to be able to find them again, right?”

[Camo] “Um…”

Trance's attention was taken by a sound coming from a walkie talkie, “Trance, come in...over,” said the voice on the walkie talkie.

“I'm here. What's the news?...Over,” Trance asked.

“Shine and Daxelia are on there way home. Is everything ready?...Over,” the pony on the other end said.

Scarlet: Wait. Walkie-talkies in Equestria? Regular walkie-talkies? The technology level in this show continues to be confusing!

CaptainPipsqueak: Originally, they were going to be called Trotty-talkies, but that sounded silly.

“Affirmative. Everything's all set...over,” Trance said.

“Alright. I'll see you later then. Over and out,” the pony said.

SC276: I don’t understand surprise parties. Granted, I’m not the kind that likes surprises...

'Shine and Daxelia are coming home a little early, aren't they?' Trance thought to himself. Then he turned to everypony there, “Alright everypony. They're on their way here. Everyone get ready.” As everypony were getting into position, Trance turned off the lights and hid himself.

Scarlet: I foresee only good things coming from throwing a surprise party for the filly who literally explodes.

SC276: Oh right, that. There is now even less of a reason to have a surprise party!

CaptainPipsqueak: Body parts everywhere.

“I can't wait to see the look on Daxie's face when she see's us,” Camo whispered to Trance.

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Daxelia was prancing around her mother as they walked home. Her energy had returned to her after her magical blast that she caused.

SC276: Wait, is this from the playground earlier? We don’t need more time shenanigans, author.

She was still disappointed that she hadn't seen her friend yet, but she decided not to let it get to her.

Scarlet: We’re happy for you, Dax.

“What are we gonna do when we get home?” Daxelia asked excitedly.

“Well, I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a bath,” Shine said with a smile.

“A bath? But I hate baths,” Daxelia whined. Daxelia loved the feeling of being clean. But she hated the process of getting clean.

SC276: Girl, you’re too young to be a moody teenager.

Her parents weren't sure if it was because she just hated baths, or if it was because she hated water. The 'hating water' theory was plausible since she never wants to go to the public pool to go swimming, no matter how hot it is.

Scarlet: I’m sure none of that could have been revealed through back and forth banter between Dax and her mother that might’ve, idunno, endeared these characters to me so that if something bad does happen I care even the smallest amount.

SC276: And what does not going to the pool have to do with hating water? I avoid going swimming because I pretty much always have a hundred sheets of paper and no less than two electronics in my immediate vicinity at any given time!

“Well like it or not, you're getting a bath,” Shine said as they headed up the path that lead to their front door. Shine opened the door and they walked in...

“SURPRISE!!!”

Scarlet: “We got you an angry mob for your birthday!”

The sudden shock of the surprise caused Daxelia to cause another explosion, charring everypony and everything within a ten foot radius.

*Flop*

Scarlet: *slow clap*

CaptainPipsqueak: But no body parts a-flyin’. DAXELIA, YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.

SC276: How long was this written before the Angry Birds movie trailer?

Daxelia used up her energy again and fell to the floor, panting from the energy consumption.

Scarlet: I suppose it’s economical to tire out your five year old before you let them gorge on sugar.

“That's my girl, heheheh,” Trance laughed,

JofY: “Injuring us if she were to ever get more powerful.”

“Happy birthday, Daxelia.” Trance then used his magic to lift the little filly up and set her on his back. Once she was able, Daxelia gave her father a big hug...well, at least she tried. With her energy drained, a big hug wasn't really more than just laying on her father's back.

Scarlet: One point for cuteness, story. That’s all you get.

“Da...Daddy!” Daxelia said in between breaths.

“I think you blew the candles out a little early, Daxie,” High Vault said.

“HIGH VAULT!!!” Daxelia shouted as she jumped off of her father's back and ran over to her friend, stumbling a bit since she was still drained of energy, “But your dad said that you were at a party.”

“Did I lie?” Coach said as he came walking through the door, “This is a party after all.”

Scarlet: Oh my god! It was a surprise birthday! Now that floating scene from earlier makes sense! I would never have guessed!

SC276: I actually would’ve prefered he be dead. Then we could get some of the despair the title promised us. *holds up the Monokuma plush* This face wants freakin’ despair, people!

“And you didn't think I'd miss seeing you on your birthday, do you?” High Vault stated with a smug grin plastered on his face.

“Oh, that reminds me. I promised Daxelia that I'd tell you that she wanted to see you,” Coach said with a comical tone.

Scarlet: His Louis CK impression needs some work.

SC276: I can’t parse what he’s actually saying. Who wants to see her?

“Well, I re-lit the candles,” Trance said, “Is everypony ready for cake?!”

“CAKE!!!” Daxelia exclaimed.

“Then make a wish and blow out the candles...again,” Trance said.

Scarlet: “And again. And again! Destroy every candle in your path! Leave no survivors!”

SC276: And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...

“I doubt that she could wish for anything better than for her father to be here for her birthday,” Shine said, “After all, you know how little she sees of you. Anyway, it's time for you to blow out the candles, Daxel...Daxelia?” Shine noticed that Daxelia was just staring blankly at the cake. It was like she was in some sort of hypnotic spell.

Scarlet: Wow, it’s almost as if doing something that might deliberately provoke a taxing magical surge was a bad idea!

SC276: Funny that comes up considering her father’s a hypnotherapist...

High Vault walked up to Daxelia to see if she was okay, “Hey Daxie, are you alright?” he asked.

The sound of his voice seemed to snap her out of her trance. Her eyes snapped open and she shook her head out of confusion. Then she looked around in confusion, “Wha...What?” she asked in confusion, “What just happened? Where am I?”

Scarlet: If this turns into that one story from Hyperion where a man’s daughter ages backward through time, I’m done. Because I like that story.

SC276: “What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you people?!”

“Daxelia, honey, you're home,” Shine answered, “At your birthday party. Remember?”

“What just happened, honey?” Trance asked.

“I...I don't know,” Daxelia said, still with a confused look, “I-I guess I just zoned out.” Daxelia's mood completely changed from her confused state back to her party frame of mind, as if her trance never even happened. Daxelia then blew out the candles.

Scarlet: The effort involved caused her to explode.

CaptainPipsqueak: God, I do not want to be around when she reaches puberty...

“So Daxelia, what did you wish for?” Trance asked.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Your deaths. Oh God; did I say that out loud?”

SC276: Unfortunately, saying it out loud means it won’t come true...

“If I told you, then it wouldn't come true,” Daxelia said.

SC276: Yeah, I just said that, sister.

The truth was, she would've wished to see her father on her birthday, but that came true even before she wished for it. So instead, she wished fo-mmmm....

Scarlet: Mmmm? Well, I mean, I guess that’s something. I’d have gone for eternal life, youth, and power but hey, that’s just me!

(Pinkie: No, don't tell them what Daxeela wished for! Otherwise it won't come true!

Scarlet: Wat.

SC276: Dear god, the fourth wall’s breaching again. And me without my slingshots...

Author: But that's only if Daxelia herself is the one who gives it away. And besides, I'm the narrator! Technically, nopony in the story is actually saying it!

JofY: Actually, because you’ve inserted yourself into the story, you have become your own character. And since your species cannot be verified...

Pinkie: How do you know that won't make a difference? If you tell everypony what Daxeela wished for and it doesn't come true, then she'll hate you... FOREVER!

Scarlet: Is anyone else watching the author have a breakdown as he talks to the cartoon horse living in his head?

JofY: Why no, this doesn’t look familiar to me at all.

SC276: I need help maneuvering this giant-ass band-aid!

Author: But I'm not just the Narrator, I'm also the Author. So I... Wait... HOW THE HECK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME?!!

Scarlet: Good question! There’s a very simple and effective non-bullshit answer you would’ve written in the margins somewhere if you had room for it, I’m sure.

CaptainPipsqueak: This is what they call ‘padding’, yes?

JofY: That, or we’ve been getting leaks.

Pinkie: That doesn't matter. All that matters is that you remember... FOREVER!

Author: Ugh, fine. And her name is 'Daxelia', not 'Daxeela'.)

SC276: Back! Back! Back behind the fourth wall with you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

The rest of the day was spent eating cake, playing games, opening presents, and generally just having fun. But unfortunately, the day had to end eventually and everypony had to go home.

Scarlet: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out~

SC276: Well points for skipping the boring parts, but they also skipped the part where one foal stole another’s Star and was slammed over the head by the victim’s controller. They’re not talking anymore.

“Dad, if it's alright with them, is it alright if I sleep over?” High Vault asked.

SC276: If it’s alright with you and it’s alright with him and it’s alright with me...

The young colt didn't exactly know why he wanted to stay so badly. But he was too young to understand the feelings he was having.

SC276: I’m pretty sure whoever was talking about puberty earlier was joking.

“Well, if it's alright with Daxelia's parents,” Coach said as he looked toward her parents to see what their answer was.

Scarlet: I’m scarred enough at this point that I’ve armed myself just on the off-chance this does turn out to be foalcon.

SC276: Hey, I’ll take any despair at this point.

Trance looked down at his daughter to see her big puppy dog eyes. Then he turned to his wife who nodded approvingly, “Well, since it is Daxelia's birthday...I suppose it'll be alright,” Trance said, acting as if he was only being nice this once. He would've said yes in a heartbeat though. He knew how close Daxelia and High Vault were.

Scarlet: He recorded their every moment with a state of the art surveillance system.

SC276: The fact she was bummed about him not showing up was evidence of that. That last line was completely unnecessary. This author does not have a high opinion of his audience.

“Alright then. You can sleep over,” Coach said as he headed to the door, “I'll see you tomorrow then. And again, happy birthday Daxelia.” With that said, Coach headed out the door.

“YAY!!!” the two foals cheered as they hugged each other happily.

Scarlet: So is… is anything going to happen here?

CaptainPipsqueak: Only if you believe really hard.

“Do you think they realize that they're more than friends?” Shine asked her husband.

“I doubt it. They're too young to really know what they're feeling,” Trance replied, “But I do think that High Vault will make a good father for our grandfoals.”

Scarlet: She’s five! He’s five! They don’t care yet! They won’t care for another eight or nine years at least! You people are sick!

SC276: The worst part the “present” has them at 10.

“Aren't you thinking a little too far ahead?” Shine replied, “I think it's a little to early to be thinking of ourselves as grandparents.”

Scarlet: Thank you, Shine.

“Don't tell me you don't see it happening,” Trance said, pointing at the two young ponies happily trotting about, “You don't have to be a psychic to see that they're going to end up together.”

Scarlet: Because there has never in history been a time when childhood friends of the opposite gender have grown apart as they grew older.

Shine looked at the two and smiled, “I see you're point,” she replied, “But I'd rather you not be talking about grandfoals...not yet anyway. It makes me feel old. And I'm too young to feel old.”

Scarlet: That’s your objection?

SC276: I feel old just reading this.

“Deal,” Trance said, “But does it make you feel better knowing that princess Celestia is over a thousand years old?”

“Not really,” Shine said, “Princess Celestia may be allot older than me. But she still looks like she's younger than me. And that just makes me feel like I look old.”

Scarlet: The return of the majestic allot.

SC276: That just reminds me of that one Foxtrot strip.

“After they have their fun, I want to talk to Daxelia for a little while,” Trance said, becoming serious as he changed the subject, “Something bothers me about her little... daze that she had earlier.”

Scarlet: Gee, is it possible that your daughter’s explosive magic surges might be having an adverse effect on her, or be linked to a dangerous underlying cause?

SC276: This is where the hypnosis comes in, doesn’t it.

“Are you sure you're not just being over protective?” Shine said, knowing that Trance was serious.

“I may not get to see my little filly as often as I'd like,” Trance said, “But I at least know her well enough to know that that's never happened before.”

“I guess you're right,” Shine admitted.

Scarlet: But we’re not going any further here, because SCENE!

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

“Alright, Daxelia. Just relax and let your mind drift,” Trance said in a soothing voice.

JofY: Uhhhh...

He didn't want to use hypnosis on his daughter yet, since she admitted that she did remember what happened during her zoning out.

JofY: UHHHH...

She said it was like trying to remember a dream though, so Trance was helping to put her into a type of trance that would relax the mind like in sleep, helping Daxelia to remember what she saw,

Scarlet: But remember, that’s not hypnosis.

SC276: What kind of trance doesn’t relax the mind like that, I ask?

“Now go back into that vision. What is the first thing you see?”

SC276: You freakin’ suck at hypnosis. There’s no way she’s that far down after only one or two lines.

CaptainPipsqueak: Look at your stallion. Now back to me. Now back at your stallion.

High Vault was there watching with amazement...and a hint of fear.

SC276: What is he even doing here?

JofY: Is it finally time for some death?

“I see...three ponies,” Daxelia said, “One of them is a child.”

Scarlet: ~We three ponies in this dream are/bearing gifts, we traverse afar~

SC276: ~Field and fountain, moor and mountain / following yonder star...~

“Focus on them. Can you see who they are? Do you recognize them?” Trance asked.

“They...They're us. Me, you, and mom,” Daxelia said, “We're walking down a street.”

SC276: Well at least it’s not the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. You walk that one alone. Maybe with your shadow, but that’s the only one.

“Do you know what street?” Trance asked, “Are there any street signs, houses you recognize, any landmarks that might indicate where you are?”

Scarlet: Somewhere on the corner of where Batman’s parents were shot and the main drag of Silent Hill, I presume.

“No. It's all in fog,” Daxelia said.

Scarlet: Well I got half of it right!

“Alright, let's continue,” Trance said, “What's happening? What are we doing?”

“We're walking. I don't know where to,” Daxelia said before Trance could ask, “Wait...there's somepony else there.”

SC276: [Turret] “Is someone there? I don’t hate you.”

“Who is it?” Trance asked.

“I don't know. I can't see him,” Daxelia said, seeming to become agitated, “All I see is darkness.”

Scarlet: Xehanort, I’ve asked you to stay out like five times now! The joke is going to die from overuse!

“If he's in the darkness, then how do you know he's a pony?” Trance asked, "How do you know there's even anypony there?"

JofY: Remember, when you are in a trance, you can’t smell or hear.

“I don't know. I just know,” Daxelia said as she was beginning to panic, “He's coming closer.”

“What's he doing?”

Scarlet: [Daxelia] “He’s raising his hooves… and now he’s swaying back and forth rhythmically… oh god, it’s the Caramelldansen! That meme’s dead! We thought it was dead!”

“I don't know! I don't like him! Get him away from me!”

“What's he doing?!”

JofY: Hi there, could I interest you in some fanfic?

“No! Please! Get away!”

“Daxelia, what's-”

Scarlet: “-love?”

“TRANCE!” Trance was snapped back to reality when Shine shouted.

SC276: And now you’re here too! Is there no sanctity left?!

It was now that he realized how much his daughter was panicking. Her panic was severe enough that it may cause damage if it's not stopped soon, “Okay, Daxelia. Allow the visions that you are seeing to slowly fade away into nothingness.”

Scarlet: I foresee nothing bad at all happening in the near future.

Daxelia was beginning to calm down slowly. After a few minutes of calming down, Daxelia opened her eyes as if nothing happened. Trance had put her into a deep enough trance that she wouldn't remember what happened. Or at least, it would be like trying to remember a dream.

Scarlet: But remember, this is not hypnosis.

SC276: Yeah, I’m familiar enough with the idea that this session is freakin’ bullshit.

“Are you okay, honey?” Trance asked Daxelia.

“Yeah, I think so,” Daxelia replied, feeling a little dizzy.

Trance walked back over to Shine as Daxelia and High Vault went upstairs to play, “I didn't mean to go overboard with my session,” Trance said, “It's just that I've never had so much difficulty getting information from somepony.”

Scarlet: “Honey, normally you threaten to hit them with a crowbar until they talk.” “Oh yeah!”

“Well perhaps this was just the work of an overactive imagination,” Shine replied, “After all, she's only five years old. And young fillies and colts tend to have an overactive imaginations to the point where they can believe their imagination was true.”

Scarlet: “On the other hand, we’re in a fic with ‘tragedy’ in the title.”

SC276: “Despair,” actually. I’m not carrying this plush bear around for nothing.

“Well...perhaps,” Trance sighed, “But even if it was just her imagination, It bothers me that she could come up with something that terrifying. And the fact that she just blanked out when it happened just makes it that much for disturbing.”

Scarlet: “The kid’s creepy. Let’s ditch her.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “We can start again. We’re both young and I can still stomach looking at you.”

“Well foals her age also still believe in Nightmare Moon,” Shine said.

“Nightmare Moon is just a fairy tail. It's silly to believe in a fairy tail like that,” Trance said,

Scarlet: GET IT? DO YOU GET IT, GUYS? I DON’T KNOW IF YOU GET IT! BECAUSE NIGHTMARE MOON TURNED OUT TO BE REAL, SO THIS IS IRONIC! GET IT?

CaptainPipsqueak: I didn’t know fairies had tails...

SC276: Not sure if ponyspeak attempt or actual typo. *squints eyes*

Scarlet: Clearly they’re just really into anime.

“But...considering that I still believe in Nightmare Moon when I was her age, I guess I can assume you're right.”

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Upstairs in Daxelia's room, they were playing a game where they pretended that the floor was molten lava,

SC276: We know that game, author. It’s called “The Floor is Lava.” Just use the freakin’ name, ya pretentious git!

and they had to keep from touching it at all costs.

JofY: Unfortunately, there wasn't any furniture.

After they got tired with that game, they just decided to relax on the bed. It was slightly awkward because neither of them had anything to say. But they didn't mind that much. They just enjoyed each other's company.

Scarlet: “They” being Shine and Trance, I assume, given we’ve had no indication to the contrary.

“So, Daxie, what do you want to do now?” High Vault asked as he was just laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“I don't know. What do you want to do?” Daxelia asked.

“I don't know. What do you want to do?” High Vault asked again.

Scarlet: Actual recorded dialogue from conversations between five year old me and my sisters.

SC276: “Whatta ya want to do today?” “I dunno, whatta you want to do today?” “I dunno, whatta you want to do today?”

Seeing where this was going to head, Daxelia decided to stop the endless loop before it even started, “You wanna go down to see if we can have some more cake?” Daxelia asked excitedly.

JofY: “I dunno, do you wanna go down to see if we can have some more cake?”

SC276: [Daxelia] “We’ll have to bake you first, though.”

“I like you the best when you're thinking with your stomach,” High Vault said as he hopped down off the bed. The two little ponies then headed back downstairs to ask Daxelia's mom if they could have some more cake. But when they got downstairs, they couldn't find Daxelia's parents anywhere. All they found was a note that read…

Scarlet: “See you, suckers. We out.”

We're sorry we didn't invite you to come with us on our walk tonight.

JofY: Oh, please let this ACTUALLY be something.

We assumed that you wanted to spend some time with High Vault. We hope this doesn't upset you. The two of you are welcome to have some more cake. But don't eat the entire thing. And that means you, High Vault.

Scarlet: [High Vault] “That sounds like a challenge!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It has rat poison in it. It’s our little game. Some pieces are safe to eat and some will kill you.”

SC276: One, that’s the Russian Roulette Dinner from Yu-Gi-Oh, and I’m not making that up. Two, who leaves five-year-olds unattended?!

Daxelia turned around to see High Vault holding the cake and was about to eat it all in one bite. But when he noticed Daxelia staring at him, he put it down and smiled sheepishly.

“Well, my parents are on one of their walks. So we can have some more cake,” Daxelia said, “Just remember that it's not your cake to inhale.” Daxelia then cut them a couple of slices of cake.

Scarlet: Five year old with unstable magical aura and a cake knife. This story is not safe for children.

CaptainPipsqueak: Unless you’re Daxelia. Then it’s only unsafe for everyone else.

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

“Are you sure we should've left her home on her own?” Shine asked.

SC276: That’s what I’m freakin’ asking!

“She's not on her own, she's with High Vault,” Trance replied,

SC276: That doesn’t help at all!!

“And besides, I've seen how protective High Vault can be of Daxelia. If she get's so much as a paper cut, he'll treat her as if she had a broken hoof. Trust me. She's in good hooves.”

Scarlet: “So what if she explodes?” “Eh, we’re young, we can make another one.”

As the couple walked down the street, they came across somepony they thought they'd never see in West Fillydelphia.

“Oh my...is that...” Shine asked, unable to finish her sentences.

“It couldn't be,” Trance said in denial, “Somepony like her would never come to a place as run down as West Fillydelphia...would she?”

Scarlet: Who, the Virgin Mary?

“Ah, I see I've been discovered,” the large white alicorn said.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Very few people would have noticed a large white alicorn.

SC276: I’m pretty sure Philadelphia doesn’t get foggy as hell. This isn’t Trottingham.

“PRINCESS CELESTIA?!” both Trance and Shine said in unison before they bowed to the sun princess.

“It is alright. You may rise,” Celestia said with a warm smile.

Scarlet: Okay, I wasn’t entirely off with my answer.

“P-P-Princess, w-what are y-you d-d-doing h-h-here?” Trance stuttered.

SC276: Dude, you literally hypnotize ponies. Have some mental fortitude.

“My sister and I used to come here allot when we were fillies,” Celestia explained,

Scarlet: The allot- a creature so majestic that royalty uses them exclusively for transportation.

“Of course this place looked allot better over 1000 years ago.

SC276: OK, author, now you’re just doing it on purpose.

JofY: “Of course, 1000 years ago, this place had an economy.”

One of our good friends used to live here when he was a little colt. That is before our father took him in.”

Trance saw the look in the princess's eyes. He was taking a risk talking like this to the sun princess, “Was this your foalhood coltfriend?” he asked.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Dude, I was five and more interested in catching butterflies than boys. What do you think?”

JofY: [Trance] “...Yes.”

“TRANCE?!” Shine exclaimed at her husband's comment.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Go away, dear; I’m trying to hit on the Princess.”

“No no, it's alright,” Celestia said, “I supposed you could say I had a slight attraction to him. But my sister had a bigger crush on him than I did. And I knew it.

JofY: “So I banished her to the moon.”

I also knew that he returned her feelings. And since being the older sister got me more attention, I thought that it was only fair that she had him instead of me.”

Scarlet: There are so many things wrong with this dynamic that I’m not sure where to start.

SC276: Well for one, it’s this fic.

“So you come here for sentimental value?” Shine asked.

“I supposed you could say that,” Celestia said, “But I also come to pay my respects to him. It was 1,142 years ago today that he saved my sister's life...at the cost of his own.”

Scarlet: Hey, you know what would be a way more interesting story?

SC276: The freakin’ apple short fic, actually.

JofY: *Picks out another piece of glass.* I like my health, so I think I’ll stick with this one.

“Oh, I'm so sorry,” Shine said sympathetically.

“It's alright,” Celestia said, dismissing Shine's concern, “It's actually good to talk to somepony about it.

SC276: [Celestia] “Not that I haven’t had plenty of opportunities in the last 1,142 years, but this plot needs to keep going.”

I come during the night time because I usually won't have to worry about ponies coming and crowding around me. But it's good to be able to see somepony, as long as it's not overwhelming. I also come at night because that's when the accident happened.”

Scarlet: “He was struck down by a rogue exposition truck driving through the story at mach speed and holding up the plot.”

“Oh, well, how long will you be here for?” Trance asked, “Because maybe we could bring our daughter to come to see you as well. She just turned five today and it would be a great birthday present for her to meet you.”

Scarlet: So hey, you’re talking to the most magical pony in all of the land. Are you going to possibly mention that you have an exploding filly?

“I usually stay for a couple of days. Though during the days, I would have to disguise myself so that I won't be noticed by the public,” Celestia said,

JofY: “You’d be surprised how well a pair of glasses work.”

“Perhaps tomorrow night I could come by and visit.”

“That would be wonderful!” Shine exclaimed. They then gave the sun princess their address.

Scarlet: I’m sure they are going to mention they have an exploding filly any second now.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Oh, and by the by: our child randomly explodes. You may want to consider wearing something less valuable when you visit. Princess? Princess Celestia? Where are you going, princess?

“Good night, princess Celestia,” Trance said as they parted ways.

“Good night,” Shine said, following her husband's lead.

“Good night to you both,” Celestia said. Then they parted ways.

Scarlet: Once again, my bare minimum hopes are dashed. Que up Apple-Picking Beam again, because I am in despair.

SC276: ~The boy was dreaming of living free / but now he can only laugh at reality...~

Not long after Celestia and the couple had parted ways, Celestia had gotten to the playground where she used to play with her sister and their friend. That's when she passed by a pony wearing a hooded cloak. Celestia had a bad feeling about this pony and thought she should've stopped him.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “That’s either a cult member or paparazzi, and I’m getting tired of both.”

SC276: I punch a cultist...

But she often got a little paranoid on this night, so she decided to ignore him as he walked in the direction that she had come from.

SC276: I love how even when the closest thing to a goddess is bought in, the fic continues to work to ensure something terrible happens to the filly.

Celestia did find it odd however that he completely ignored her. It was like he didn't realize the sun princess was standing right there. Either that or he didn't care. Every fiber in her being was telling Celestia to stop that pony. But she refused to let paranoia get the best of her.

Scarlet: So not even going to start up a conversation with him? Ask a policeman to keep an eye on things? Mention this to anyone? Jeez, the return of OOCelestia.

SC276: She’d at least say “hello”...

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

“High Vault, how long does it take my parents to go for walks?” Daxelia asked, a twinge of worry in her voice.

“About fifteen minutes,” High Vault answered.

“And how long ago did we find that letter that they left us?”

Scarlet: “The one with ‘ha ha, we’re free you little monsters, free’” scrawled on the back, you mean?”

“About an hour ago,” High Vault replied cluelessly,

SC276: How the hell did running into Celestia delay them by forty-five minutes? I mean, even with this fic’s roundabout prose...

“Is something bothering you Daxie?”

JofY: “...I want more cake.”

“Have my parents come home yet?!” Daxelia asked, worry now evident in her voice. The look on High Vault's face showed that he realized what Daxelia was trying to tell him. She was worried that something had happened to them.

Scarlet: It took them an hour to start panicking? These are some hardcore five year olds.

“I'm sure you parent's are fine,” High Vault said, trying to reassure Daxelia, “Maybe they just got held up with something. Maybe they went to the store for something. I'm sure everything is...”

“EVERYTHING'S NOT FINE!!!” Daxelia suddenly snapped. Her outburst had surprised even herself.

Scarlet: Fine, alright. Just once. You’re Lying!

High Vault then nuzzled Daxelia to help calm her down. It was partly to comfort her, and partly because he noticed her horn was starting to glow. And when her horn starts to glow, she's about to blow.

Scarlet: Ewwwwww. Someone did not think that line through.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or, even worse, did.

SC276: Like the author’s going to start now.

But even though High Vault had managed to calm her down, her worry for her parents did not subside, “May...Maybe you're right,” Daxelia said, trying to reassure herself. But it wasn't working so well.

But as she attempted to calm down. The front door suddenly burst open and in the doorway stood a large menacing pony that gave off an aura of darkness.

Scarlet: As random scions of evil who make house calls on unremarkable fillies are wont to do.

SC276: Why wasn’t that locked?!

JofY: Oh, come on. It’s not like anyone would try to invade.

He was all black, save for his dark red eyes. And the dark energy that he seemed to radiate hid his details enough that he couldn't be identified.

Scarlet: Oh I see, he’s a gestalt fusion of all the stereotypical emo alicorn OCs.

CaptainPipsqueak: No, see, he’s totally different. He’s not black and red, he’s black with red eyes. Totally not the same.

The only identifiable features were his dark red eyes that seemed to glow, a long black sharp horn that radiated an unnatural black magical aura, and his large menacing wings that had a demonic appearance to them.

Scarlet: This off-brand Sombra is so much less satisfying than the crystal-dragon version.

SC276: At least that one threw Chrysalis across the Crystal Empire.

“HELP!!! IT'S NIGHTMARE MOON!!!” High Vault screamed as he ran off in terror. The dark pony rolled his eyes while Daxelia facehoofed. Anypony who knew about the legend of Nightmare Moon knew that Nightmare Moon was a mare, not a stallion.

Scarlet: Ha ha ha, ain’t it funny? You’re totally both about to die!

SC276: That is a completely necessary detail right now!

JofY: “Excuse me murderer, but are you a man, or a woman?”

The last thing Daxelia remembered was his horn starting to glow. Then there was a flash of dark energy. Just before she blacked out, she thought she heard a voice saying “Your parents have been murdered.”

Scarlet: Followed by a Game Over screen.

SC276: TIME FOR THE PUNISHMENT!

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Celestia decided to head back to find the address that the couple had given her. That way she wouldn't have any trouble finding it the next night.

SC276: And where were you for the last hour, lady?

On her way back however, she found the couple she had met...laying lifelessly in a puddle of blood.

SC276: Insert that dead-body-discovery music from Danganronpa here.

Celestia used her magic to check for a heartbeat...there was none.

Scarlet: And apparently the other half of my Silent Hill/Batman prediction was right on the money. I swear I don’t read ahead in these things.

SC276: Also, Mom’s dead. Where’s my ten bucks?

But what bothered Celestia the most was the cloak that was laying next to the couple. It was the same cloak as the one that the mysterious pony she crossed paths with earlier was wearing.

SC276: Gee, I did not see something like this coming.

Celestia was unable to think clearly as she realized that she had let that mysterious pony murder this kind and innocent couple. And this also meant that their daughter that they spoke of earlier was now an orphan...Celestia had just made an innocent little filly an orphan.

Scarlet: Congratulations.

SC276: Lady, “orphan” is going to be trumped by “dead” soon if you don’t haul your sunny ass.

Celestia then did her best to regain her composure and use a tracking spell on the cloak so that she can find the owner. However, it seemed that the tracking spell wasn't working. It was almost as if the owner of the cloak was not of this world

Scarlet: My OC Gestalt theory is gaining in-fic credence.

SC276: Boooo, it’s a ghooooost!

. Either that, or the owner was so powerful that they could avoid detection of a tracking spell.

Celestia then looked at the address...

1142 Guardian Angel road.

Scarlet: Oh great. Her childhood friend is a revenant.

“Guardian Angel road? That's the road that was named in respect to him,” Celestia realized, “And 1142? That's the same as how many years ago he died...and how many years ago the road was named!”

Scarlet: That means… literally nothing!

X ~ 1,142 years ago ~ X

SC276: Oh for fuck’s sake, fic, this is 1,142 years ago with respect to the present! That last scene was five years in the past, so it’d be 1,147 years ago! Keep your own fucking internal logic straight!

“We are here to respect the memory of the pony who had saved Luna's life,” The mayor of Fillydelphia announced, “Luna's father, Lord Galactus,

CaptainPipsqueak: “...who is the whole reason behind Celestia’s cake addiction thing…”

had ordered that we honor the memory of Luna's savior.

SC276: [Celestia] “We were totally trying to get out of it otherwise. Also, the guy’s my father too since we’re sisters, but the author apparently doesn’t know that.”

And we shale do so by giving the road the name 'Guardian Angel Road', since the best way to honor his memory is to give him the title of Luna's guardian angel.”

Scarlet: “We shall begin each year by reminding you never to drive faster than he can fly.”

SC276: [Celestia] “And not after his actual name. Come to think of it, we really don’t give a damn about this guy.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Who?

Luna had her muzzle buried in Celestia's shoulder as the memory of what happened still hurt.

CaptainPipsqueak: So did Luna embedding her nose in her sister’s shoulder, but Celestia chose to keep quiet.

“Everything will be okay,” Celestia said as she tried her best to comfort her little sister.

“I just miss him so much,” Luna whimpered.

Scarlet: Wow, if only we had some sort of actual insight into why these three were so close. Maybe a story to establish this totally new character and get the audience on his side, perhaps? But such things are unpossible!

X ~ End Flashback ~ X

Celestia then used her magic to send a message to the hospital and to law enforcement, making sure they knew where to find the bodies. Once someone arrived to take care of the situation, she headed off to the address she was given to find the now orphaned filly.

Scarlet: You didn’t tell anyone about her? No law enforcement, no social workers, nobody? OOCelestia is just the worst!

SC276: Yeah, sure, only tell them about the ponies they can’t save! Also, I thought you were in front of the house; you’re telling me you just came across their bodies on the way there?!

However, once she arrived and looked inside, she saw that there was nopony home. It was however recently used, seeing as there were traces of a party still around.

SC276: Pretty sure you could find Fallout houses with similar decoration.

And she even saw a banner saying 'Happy Birthday Daxelia'.

As she was about to use a tracking spell to try and find the orphaned filly, she noticed a note…

Scarlet: “Abandon hope, all ye who read past this point.”

To whom it may concern,

JofY: ‘Would you like to know how to increase your loving by three sizes?’

I have taken the little silver filly to safety. I will make sure that she will not be harmed. I cannot let anypony know where I have taken her, or what I plan. But rest assured that she will be well taken care of.

Scarlet: This raises several red flags at once.

CaptainPipsqueak: “I have no plans whatsoever to rape her. So don’t let that thought bother you, now that I’ve put it in your heads.”

SC276: And not even the decency to sign it.

Desperate to find the filly to make sure that she's safe, Celestia used a tracking spell to find her, hoping that it would lead her to the orphaned filly. But instead, another part of the message appeared...

If you are reading this, then that means you have used a tracking spell. I have anticipated that somepony may try using a tracking spell to find either me or the filly.

Scarlet: A veritable David Xanatos, I see.

SC276: Also, this author sucks at separating written notes from the rest of the prose.

So I have put a spell on everything in the house that will negate any tracking spell used. I can't risk anypony to find out where I have taken the filly. It is for her own safety.

P.S. I would advise not to use a tracking spell on this note again.

Scarlet: “Also your gun cannot shoot me, because I have a magic forcefield.”

SC276: What’s it going to do, explode harmlessly in her face?

Ignoring the warning, Celestia used another tracking spell, determined to find the orphaned filly. However, this time her magic recoiled and she was shocked by her own magic. Then another part of the message appeared...

I warned you.

Scarlet: Wrong order, buddy.

SC276: Eh, I was close.

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

As Daxelia began to wake back up, she saw that it was morning.

SC276: Insert morning announcement here.

But her surroundings were unfamiliar. She was in a decent looking place, about the same quality as her house. But the place seemed rather empty, as if nopony was actually living here.

Scarlet: Is this the part where she turns into Batman, or is that later?

CaptainPisqueak: Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot...

When she looked out the window, she saw in the distance what she recognized as Silver Lake. This meant that she was all the way in the eastern district of Fillydelphia. How was she going to get back home?

Scarlet; Why bother? Just move in with your auntie and your uncle in Bel-Air!

SC276: Gee, how to get from the eastern part of a city to the western part of the same city? I haven’t the foggiest!

The silver filly's thoughts were derailed when her stomach started growling. She left the room she was in and went downstairs to see if there was any food. If this house really was empty though, then the chances of her finding food were slim.

When she went downstairs and into the kitchen, she saw a tray with several kinds of foods on it. It seemed that her luck was good...for now anyway.

Scarlet: And only half the food was poisoned!

SC276: Can’t even be bothered to at least overview what the actual foods were.

After Daxelia had eaten her fill, she checked the door to see if she could leave.

SC276: Which door? It’s a house, there’s a lot of doors.

However, the door was locked and she was too small to reach the lock. It was just out of reach.

SC276: Locks are usually located below the doorknobs. If she can reach that to try and open the door, she can reach the lock.

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

After a week of being a prisoner in that house, Daxelia had grown another inch.

Scarlet: That is a fast-growing five year old.

She had no idea where the food was coming from.

SC276: What is even the point of this. Like seriously, we don’t even learn how she’s coping with suddenly being prisoner for a week. What happened to her coltfriend? Isn’t she worried about him?

But one day she had found a large black feather on the floor next to the tray of food.

JofY: A crow took her food!

Daxelia had reached up to the lock. She was almost there...

*CLICK*

Scarlet: And now she’ll escape and discover that the entire facility was a sham!

SC276: What is this, Tai Lung’s prison?

Daxelia had successfully unlocked the door. She then filled a small bag that she made with a sheet and filled it with some of the food...along with the feather. Then she headed out the door to try to get back home. It was going to be a long trip, that was for certain.

Scarlet: Because taxis and police officers who might be willing to help lost children do not exist! Oh just freakin’ walk.

But she wanted to see High Vault again.

SC276: You think he’s OK, even though he was with you when you were kidnapped?!

She remembered hearing that voice saying that her parents were murdered...that was a rather blunt way to say it.

SC276: Now’s too late to riff your own narrative style, author.

But if this was true, it meant that she was an orphan. Maybe High Vault's dad would take her in.

Scarlet: Thus making our ‘meant to be’ five year olds into siblings. Well, I’m not weirded out!

SC276: Some despair this is! Her parents are dead, she’s been kidnapped for a week, doesn’t know what happened to her best friend, and she doesn’t seem remotely bothered at all!

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

The combination of distance, not knowing where to go, and being as young as she was made her trip back home take over two months.

SC276: You literally couldn’t get directions to someplace else in the same city? When you live on the street named for Celestia’s dead friend and thus would be famous? Clearly, any despair this fic was referring to is that which it induces in its readers!

CaptainPipsqueak: She tried running away from home once, but wasn’t allowed to cross the street without an adult. She spent three hours walking around the block before giving up.

She had managed to stretch out the food she had brought with her for three weeks. But that was all she could do. However, every night after she had ran out of food, once she woke up, there would be a little more food.

Scarlet: This can only mean one thing- the food is reproducing asexually.

Captainpipsqueak: Well that’s put me off eating it.

It seemed somepony was trying to help her. But who?

Scarlet: Someone who really doesn’t want to take her to law enforcement, Celestia, or anyone else who might be able to help her it seems.

SC276: I honestly have no fucking idea what this guy’s plan is. I mean, it’s not unreasonable to assume there’s some connection to Celestia’s dead friend - I mean, it’s almost blatant at this point. The only hole so far is I can’t tell if the pony that killed her parents and barged into her home is that same guy or not.

JofY: I’m wondering why Mr. Mysterious can’t write a note saying: ‘THIS IS WHY I AM DOING WHAT I AM DOING.’

But at least this meant that Daxelia got back home. The first thing she did was to go back to her home to see if her parents were still alive. However, when she looked in the window, there was another family inside, and the furniture was all different.

Scarlet: “Move into a murdered family’s home not a week after the incident? Seems legit!”.

SC276: Scar, I hate to defend this fic, but it just said it was two months later. Pay attention already.

Scarlet: It took her two months to cross the city without a single officer noticing the child wandering alone, or having her reported? I… no.

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, there were, but after the second or third explosion...

The next thing she did was to go to High Vault's house to see if she could stay with him. When she knocked on the door, she was greeted by a mare that she didn't recognize, “Hello?” the mare asked.

“Is...uh...is High Vault home?” Daxelia asked, afraid she was going to sound ridiculous.

Scarlet: Dax channels the author.

“Hmm. Was his father's name Coach?” the mare asked. Daxelia nodded, “I'm sorry, but they moved out about a month ago.”

SC276: That is your reaction to seeing the filly of the dead parents that went missing two months ago?! This city sucks with its news reports!

“Oh...well...thanks,” Daxelia said disappointed. She then walked away.

There was one final option for her. It was the fort that she and High Vault built at the park.

SC276: And not, you know, the cops.

When she headed to the park to see if it was still there, she was glad to see that it was.

Scarlet: “Complete with the security bunker and tomahawk missiles.”

At least this meant that she had shelter. It wasn't much of a shelter, but it protected her from rain and was warmer than just laying outside. And the sheet she used as a bag she now could use as a blanket.

X ~ 10 month later ~ X

SC276: Wait, is this ten months after that last scene, or ten months after the “present time” we started nine years behind?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yyy...es?

Daxelia's shelter was no longer a doable shelter.

SC276: Shelter shelter, shelter. Shelter? Shelter!

There was a termite infestation about a month ago. Now the shelter was no more than a pile of rotting wood in a tree.

Scarlet: Ten months? I don’t care if this is west Filly, nobody is going to ignore a kid living in a park for the better part of a year! She’s five!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but she randomly explodes. Do you wanna mess with that shit?

Scarlet: Do you want it in your park?

CaptainPipsqueak: Do you want to be the one dumb enough to try to make it leave?

But that wasn't the worst of Daxelia's problems. Ever since her shelter was, for lack of a better term, destroyed, Daxelia had been feeling sick and was losing her appetite. She was barely eating enough to even keep her alive. But for the past few days, she had stopped eating all together. And the only shelter she had was a jungle gym at the playground.

Scarlet: Too stupid to bother riffing. All of this.

SC276: Why hasn’t she talked to the cops? Why haven’t the cops talked to her? Why hasn’t she done anything in ten months, including find a new shelter? Despair as a result of everyone being stupid is not true despair. The freakin’ mastermind would slap this author for this insult.

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Celestia had once again returned to West Fillydelphia. It was now the 1,143rd anniversary of when her friend had died...and the one year anniversary of when that kind couple were murdered. She now had two reasons to visit here.

Scarlet: Great food and a welcoming atmosphere!

CaptainPipsqueak: Also endless breadsticks.

As she passed the playground as she usually did, she notice what seemed like a lump of dirt under the jungle gym. At first, she didn't give it any thought. But then she thought she saw it moving.

JofY: Molemen!

So she went to go check it out. Sure enough, it was a little filly. She was covered in dirt and mud. And she was barely breathing.

Scarlet: OOCelestia manages to accomplish something. And only a year too late!

SC276: What has she been doing this past year?! Considering she considers herself directly responsible for her parents’ murder, she would’ve put resources into tracking down the kidnapped filly through mundane means like her actual guards or something!

Celestia used an identification spell to see who her parents were.

SC276: That’s what you ID?! And not who she actually is?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Very little...nothing has made sense so far; don’t expect things to start now.

When she saw the images of her parents, she was surprised to see that it was the couple who were murdered. She was the filly that she had allowed made an orphan.

Scarlet: So which of these two is Batman?

Feeling a pang of guilt hit her, she felt responsible.

JofY: What? Giving up, after… 2 attempts? You tried!

When she nudged her head to wake her up, she felt that she had an extremely high fever and needed medical attention. She immediately took her to the Canterlot hospital, using a teleportation spell to get there.

Scarlet: Good. Going by her track record, I wasn’t sure she’d have the brains.

CaptainPipsqueak: She has to do something right now and then. It’s in her contract.

SC276: Was going to a Fillydelphia hospital just that out of the question or something?

CaptainPipsqueak: Please. She’s the Princess. Do you think she’d be caught dead going to some commoner hospital?

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Daxelia remembered waking up feeling a bit disoriented. She felt weak and unable to get up.

SC276: That’s the author forcing more dumb melodrama into this fic.

CaptainPipsqueak: “I’m badly written and I can’t get up!”

When she opened her eyes, she saw that she was in a white room. But her blurry vision combined with her disorientation made it so that was all she could recognize.

Her disoriented mind made her think of a strange thought, “A...Am I...dead?” She asked quietly, still feeling really tired.

Scarlet: So is she going to have that exploding thing become story relevant at any point?

CaptainPipsqueak: Dude. Who cares? EXPLOSIONS.

SC276: Honestly, death would be a mercy for everyone involved.

“You're awake!” she heard a voice say. She then saw a blurry image of a large white pony with a pastel mane.

“Are you an angel?” Daxelia asked, noticing the wings.

Scarlet: Really, kid?

CaptainPipsqueak: “Yes, child; the angel of death…”

“No, I am not an angel. And you are very much alive!” the large pony said.

CaptainPipsqueak: “...but if you’ll give me a moment, I can fix that for you.” Also, she not ‘large’, she’s ‘solidly-built’ or ‘statuesque’.

As her vision cleared, Daxelia was able to see who the large pony was. It was none other than the sun princess herself, “Princess Celstia!” Daxelia exclaimed

Scarlet: Now available from reliable Hasbro bootleggers- the new full size Princess Celstia and Agrestia playset!

weakly as she tried to get up. But she was pushed back down by Celestia.

“Please, don't try to get up. You're still far to weak,” Celestia said, “I found you in West Fillydelphia under a jungle gym.

SC276: She was living in a jungle gym for at least a couple weeks and no one noticed? She lives in the most abandoned neighborhood ever.

You were covered in dirt, you were barely breathing, and you had a high fever. You are very lucky to even be alive.”

Scarlet: “Especially since you spontaneously combusted three times while I tried to move you.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Bitch, I was so ready to abandon your ass.”

“I wish I was dead,” Daxelia said, “Then I could see my parents again.”

CaptainPipsqueak: (Celestia)” ‘kay.” *snap* THE END.

SC276: Where the hell did she learn her parents were dead? Given how non-chalant about it she was, I didn’t think she accepted it.

“Were your parents Shine and Trance?” Celestia asked, receiving a nod from Daxelia, “I saw your parents that night...just before they...” Celestia didn't have the heart to finish her sentence.

Scarlet: “...gave me their address.”

CaptainPipsqueak: ...were able to tell me who the murderer really was.

“...Before they were murdered?” Daxelia asked, finishing the sun princess's statement.

“They had asked me to come to see you the next day, as a birthday gift,” Celestia said, “But by then it was already too late.”

“When I blew out my candles, I wished that I would be able to meet you,” Daxelia said weakly,

Scarlet: GET IT GUYS THE IRONY IS HER WISH CAME TRUE BUT ONLY BECAUSE OF A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY! GET IT?

CaptainPipsqueak: “I was able to see Celestia and all someone had to do was kill my parents! Coolest! Birthday! EVER!”

SC276: Was the hooded pony attempting to avert fate or something? Because Celestia showing up on the same day this chick wished to meet her is too big a coincidence.

“Although, I didn't exactly mean like this. Me barely able to move, and you taking care of me...like mommy would.” Tears then began to form in her eyes at the thought of her parents.

SC276: Whom you showed no signs of actually missing.

“Well, I'm a year late, and it's not the best conditions. But, happy birthday,” Celestia said with a warm smile, “May I ask your name?”

Scarlet: “Are you a boy or a girl?”

SC276: She remembers the murder, and yet did no follow-up, including learning what the victim’s daughter’s name was and she should probably freakin’ do something considering, y’know, her parents are dead? I think my brain is literally trying to eat itself from how stupid everyone in this fic is.

“D...Dax...Daxeli...ia,” Daxelia replied, her exhaustion getting the best of her.

“Well Daxelia, I think you should get some sleep,” Celestia suggested.

SC276: [Celestia] “We’re trying to see if we can get you even dumber.”

Daxelia slowly drifted off to sleep. Her thoughts were that of how kind Celestia has been. She had even saved her life.

SC276: After neglecting to even attempt to locate a missing filly.

She had managed to fall asleep with a smile.

Scarlet: “And afterward, she exploded again.”

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

For the next few days while Daxelia was in the hospital, Celestia was right there with her the whole time.

CaptainPipsqueak:Yeah! FUCK the sun and daylight and shit! A little filly that explodes takes precedence.

She got some food in her system to help her get her energy back, and any injuries she had were minor enough that she was in good enough condition to be released from the hospital.

Scarlet: “Only ten months of malnourishment and a few untreated sprains she put pressure on. She’s fine.”

Celestia had offered for Daxelia to stay with her in Canterlot Castle. Daxelia had accepted that offer. She wished she could go back home...but she no longer had anything there to go back to.

SC276: Could, y’know, figure out where your best friend moved to. That’s a start.

And Celestia was a kind princess.

Scarlet: “Albeit a stupid one.”

It then dawned on her...she was basically being adopted by a princess! When this realization dawned on her, she suddenly became giddy at the thought.

CaptainPipsqueak: Though that might just be the painkillers talking.

SC276: Or the dying brain cells.

She knew that she wouldn't be a princess herself. But that didn't matter to her. It was an exciting idea that very few ponies would even dream of it happening.

Scarlet: Say it with me- so happy she exploded!

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

A dark figure was watching in the shadows as Celestia was walking into the castle with Daxelia, “Take good care of her...Celly.”

JofY: *Spits out water.* WHAT!? WHAT!!! BULLSHIT! FUCK YOU STORY! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! ARE YOU BLOODY TELLING ME THAT LUNA WAS THE KIDNAPPER!? WHY!? WHY!?! I’M SORRY, BUT FOR WHAT REASON DID LUNA HAVE ABANDONED A FILLY AFTER KIDNAPPING HER!? AND IF YOU DARE TELL ME THAT IT WAS THE LOVE INTEREST FROM A MILLENIA AGO, WELL, HOW CAN HE BE THERE AND SIX FEET UNDER!?!

Author's Note:

Before anyone starts jumping to conclusions, the pony that took Daxelia is not the same pony who murdered her parents.

SC276: ...What? How does that make any sense?! Why the fuck would the one not seeking her harm kidnap her and leave her best friend in possible danger?! And if there’s two ponies, where do the one that murdered the parents go?!

Also, the "9 Years Ago" time frame is referring to 9 years before before the 1st episode of the show.

Scarlet: Thanks, author! Now explain why the police are terrible!

SC276: Why couldn’t you have said that before now?! This fic is most certainly the worst of the batch! The first one was a terrible misguided premise. The second was a confusing choice of narrative style combined with a confusing plot. The third was a troll fic. But this last one… This one is driven by pure stupidity! The title isn’t even accurate; the main character shows no hints of any negative emotion whatsoever after having her parents murdered, being kidnapped to who knows where, taking two months to cross a city, living as a street urchin in a rotting treehouse for a year, and almost dying herself. The rest aren’t any better. The parents leave two five-year-olds alone in their house while they take a walk and don’t even bother to lock the front door. Celestia does not greet or do anything including investigate about a character she senses is malicious, and when she finds the parents dead and the filly missing, she does nothing outside the same tracking spell - which never actually works - repeatedly in terms of effort to find her, to the point she doesn’t recognize her when she finds her almost dead. The best friend also doesn’t try to help in any way. And I don’t even know what the motivations behind the murderer and the kidnapper are; the murderer just kills two ponies because reasons and vanishes into the night never to be seen again, while the kidnapper takes her from her home and leaves her completely unattended with regenerating food in a house with minimal security to keep here there for no readily apparent reason. Everyone in this fic is an idiot! As well, Dax is borderline Mary Sue, with the mixmatched eyes and getting “adopted” by Celestia, what even happened to her by four years when the show starts? As well, the one established trait that could provide at least some unified comedy, her exploding when startled - which the fic explicitly says, I don’t know why you guys kept going as if she just blows up at random - is used just for a surprise party joke, which only serves to paint the parents as greater idiots because they threw a surprise party for the filly they know explodes when surprised!! The only “despair” in “Dax’s Despair” is for the reader!!

Scarlet: Gags aside, I’m not sure if I count Dax as a Mary Sue. If we have to use that label for any character, I vote Obviously the Guardian Angel Character who went around saving her. As much as it’s a fandom in-joke, I never realized that stories with actual red and black alicorn OCs were really a thing. I always thought only one or two actually existed and were funny for the same reasons saying “Shadow the Hedgehog” is pretty much an automatic punchline. Speaking of which, “Shadow the Hedgehog.” There, I riffed every future chapter of this story as well.

SC276: I said “borderline.” Mary Sues usually have more personality than this. At least, they react. And make me feel like strangling them specifically, and not the entire freakin’ cast.

RingmasterJ5: Welcome to the inaugural F/F/T3K15 Community Month. We have no fucking clue how frequent these will be, but this whole month is going to be about 85% user submissions.

Fallen Prime: And he picked them all out. I have no idea what I’m here presenting; I was pulled away from Afterbirth for this.

RingmasterJ5: Aw, don’t rub it in, it’s not coming to PS4 for another month. Anyway, though, that’s the thing: I have no idea what these are either. This is a bit of an experiment/example.

Fallen Prime: Oh, this is going to end in tears.

RingmasterJ5: The following four fics were all submitted to the group’s “Submissions” folder, so apparently some people out there want to see these riffed. Whether they’re riffable or not, I have no idea (well, except for one which me and Fallen have heard of before), but we’re going with them anyway because they’re all short, it’ll clean up the submissions folder for future polls, and hey, community month. First up, we have a pro-human TCB fic called “How an Actual Pony vs. Human War would Go” by HonestAJ4President and submitted by Waterpear.

Crazy56U: ...it ends in 10 minutes because of nukes?

Author's Note:

This is not meant to be taken serious

Crazy56U: Oh, goody!

and I thought of it after reading the 'Something that human vs. pony stories rarely consider' thread on the 'Humans are Superior' group.

Scarlet: I’m with Team Jabberwocky.

SC276: I’m with Team Monokuma.

Sigma: Team Leopluradon for life.

Crazy56U: Team Free Will.

Topher: 4 riffs in, and I’m already lost.

Crazy56U: I was referencing Supernatural. ...fuck knows what the others are referencing...

It made a good point; which thinks faster, a computer of a Tomahawk Missile or a unicorn that is tasked with stopping a Tomahawk Missile, and has never seen a Tomahawk Missile.

Scarlet: The correct answer is why are we waging war on Equestria?

SC276: I would think the right answer is the unicorn because it has a brain, a.k.a. the fastest computer ever conceived by the physical world.

Topher: Also, the unicorn has lasers.

MrSing: Though you couldn’t have a pleasant conversation over dinner with a Tomahawk Missile, it could probably beat you in chess. I heard it sucks at solitaire though.

Crazy56U: ...does this mean I’m technically right with my “10 minutes” guess?

Again, don't take any of this serious. Please excuse my blatant misuse of military equipment.

Scarlet: I refuse.

SC276: If you weren’t planning to use it properly, why include it?

Sigma: I’ll excuse that… But only if I don’t excuse anything else at all, which I wasn’t planning on anyway. So no.

Crazy56U: As long as you don’t accidentally nuke the Moon, we’ll be good…

RJ: Son, I set FIRE to a 2.5 MILLION DOLLAR Humvee. You don’t know a thing about blatant misuse of military equipment.

The 5 Minute Battle

Scarlet: Took place during a speedrun of Fire Emblem.

MrSing: That’s what I call it when I try to go on a diet.

Crazy56U: ...fuck...

A UN meeting was underway when there was a bright flash and a white winged unicorn appeared in front of everyone.

Scarlet: Eh, that’s not unusual. You should sit in on a witch’s council sometimes. Occasionally we get visits from Cthulhu. He’s such a sweetheart!

MrSing: “Get out! You’re going to have to make an appointment just like everyone else.”

Crazy56U: Nice to see you’re gonna take your time and build up to Equestria making its presence known...

"Hello humans. I am Princess Celestia and I have come to rid the multiverse of your scum.

Scarlet: Part of this statement is incompatible with the first bit.

SC276: We come in peace - shoot to kill.

MrSing: “Just put it out on the street next tuesday and we’ll come and get it.”

Crazy56U: Celestia, we don’t care about the household products you’ve come to pitch, go away.

Dark Angel: Does this mean that Celestia is here to take Mykan away?! Please?

You constantly slaughter and lie to each other and destroy your world.

MrSing: Not to mention all the fanfiction.

Dark Angel: Especially Mykan.

SC276: Will you please stop mentioning Mykan?! We’re trying to move past him after

having to deal with that idiocy for four months!

Crazy56U: He will never leave...

I have come to put an end to it.

Scarlet: “Please ignore the fact that I asked my protege and her best buds to reform a chaos god once, and this is clearly not me talking.”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “I’m your new President for life. Suck it, Trump!”

Topher: Don’t worry, Donald. you still have the prize for craziest hair.

I give you a week to gather your army and then, I will invade."

Scarlet: I guess Pen Stroke isn’t going to be the worst person at writing pony warfare I’ll riff this year.

SC276: Got in just in time too, it’s November.

Sigma: “The invasion will be swift and fluffy.”

MrSing: That is just enough time for the UN to have a meeting about possibly doing something about this.

Crazy56U: And within a week’s time, Equestria would be nuked 15 times over. ...yeah, yeah, I keep bringing up nukes, but come on.

Then there was another flash and 'Princess Celestia' was gone.

Scarlet: Wow, even the text is adding scarequotes around that name now!

Crazy56U: “Princess Celestia” was a pseudonym. Her real name was “Golpear Boca”. ...it’s Spanish...

The Security Council President, Eugene-Richard Gasana,

Scarlet: Why does this guy have a name? Is he important to the story?

Crazy56U: I feel stupid for asking… but is that even a real person.

stood up and said "All in favor of putting all wars on hold to defend ourselves."

Scarlet: I might actually cry that’s so stupid.

Topher: Meanwhile back in reality, the real UN is wondering what the hell was in the water.

MrSing: Is this the plot of “Watchmen”?

Crazy56U: Celestia’s timing couldn’t have been better! Apparently, the United States was in the middle of waging all of the wars!

There was a resounding "Aye."

Scarlet: I am still crying.

Crazy56U: (slides over a box of tissues)

"All opposed," he continued.

Sigma: Me.

Topher: Me.

Bucephalus: Me. Given that we haven’t been told how many people were at the meeting, we still have the possibility of outvoting them.

Scarlet: It’s the UN. No matter what actually gets decided, you know that the US is gonna do what it feels like anyway.

Crazy56U: Nay.

No one said 'Nay'

Crazy56U: Motherfucker, I did.

and he added "Leaders of the world, prepare your armies. We have no idea where the ponies will come through."

Scarlet: So this is a five minute battle because alicorns can apparently teleport into secure facilities full of world leaders without any sort of security response and wreck the room, right?

SC276: I can tell already the author’s gonna say the ponies are gonna win. Even though I’m pretty sure J.K. Rowling said in a battle between a wizard and a muggle with a gun, the muggle wins. ...I’m sure that relates somehow.

Crazy56U: My guess is that they’re going to come through (points off to the right) over there.

A Week Later

RingmasterJ5: “The claim that the battle would only last five minutes was greatly exaggerated.”

Crazy56U: The prequel to 28 Days Later sure is taking some liberties...

NORAD Control

MrSing: They are very serious about not being rad.

Crazy56U: Home of the WOPR.

"Sir, we're picking up something in the Great Plains. Strange flashes and an unexpected storm."

Scarlet: I thought this was an MLP fic, not Gravity Falls!

SC276: Don’t worry, if this was Gravity Falls, the eye of the storm would be triangle-shaped. With an extra hole above one point in the shape of a top hat.

Sigma: I think that someone sent another Terminator back in time.

Crazy56U: Nope, it’s Marty McFly in the DeLorean! He’s come to end this nonsense!

"Get the President on the phone, code red people, code red!"

Scarlet: “HOLY SHIT MR. PRESIDENT, THERE’S INCLEMENT WEATHER IN THE MIDWEST!”

Sigma: “Dear GOD, the Midwest has weather?!”

Crazy56U: “WE’RE OUT OF CODE RED MOUNTAIN DEW!!!”

The Great Plains

SC276: The lousiest screen transitions ever.

MrSing: What’s so great about these plains anyway?

Crazy56U: A textbook oxymoron.

Celestia walked triumphantly out of the portal,

Scarlet: That’s a thing now.

Bucephalus: At this point, I’m fairly certain that Celestia has seven million or so portal devices lying around.

Crazy56U: “while blasting ‘Without Me’ on a boombox.”

RJ: [Celestia] “... ‘Welcome to Nebraska.’ Is that a good thing?”

her army of Royal Guards behind her. Shining Armor was next to her, all with battle armor and weapons made of solid gold.

Scarlet: Someday I’m going to explain the difference between a “guard” and a “soldier”. I’m pretty sure no nation in the world prosecutes its foreign wars with a national guard.

Sigma: “BEHOLD OUR TOTALLY NOT IMPRACTICAL SOLID GOLD POWERS- Oh, shit, they’re all falling over before they can even move.”

MrSing: Ah, the golden sword. You can use to either stab or bribe your enemy. The perfect weapon.

Crazy56U: Oh, goddamnit, I’ve Minecrafted enough to know that they should made diamond swords, damn it, not gold! Gold swords are shit!

Topher: A lesson most players unfortunately learn the hard way.

Bucephalus: Unless you want good enchants. But, then again, nuke beats magic, so...

After all of her 40 thousand soldiers were out of the portal, she used her Royal Canterlot Voice to give a speech.

Scarlet: “I KNOW THIS FANFIC IS SHIT, BUT HOLD FAST! IT PROMISES TO BE A SHORT ONE!”

MrSing: “IF ANYONE ASKS IF WE ARE THERE YET ONE MORE TIME I’M TURNING THIS WAR AROUND!”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “I’M NOT VERY GOOD AT SPEECHES... ... ...OKAY, LET’S GO.”

RJ: [Celestia] “ASK NOT WHAT YOUR PRINCESS CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK HOW MANY OF YOU WILL DIE FOR ME.”

"SOLDIERS OF EQUESTRIA! TODAY WE HAVE COME TO THIS DIFFERENT UNIVERSE TO WIPE THE MULTIVERSE OF THEIR SCUM!

Scarlet: ~My Little Pony! Don’t you know humans are better off deeaaaaad~

SC276: That incident of absolute despair that has the overly long sub-name? I thought that started in Japan.

MrSing: “You’ll find your assigned brush under your chair.”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “SO I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR MOPS AND SPONGES, THIS PLACE IS FILTHY!”

I AM TALKING ABOUT HUMANS; THEY CONSTANTLY SLAUGHTER AND LIE TO EACH OTHER AND DESTROY THEIR OWN WORLD!

Scarlet: And here you people thought Chatoyance had a strong anti-humanity stance in her fiction.

SC276: Didn’t she already say this? I mean, not right to the U.N., but also to her people before coming to Earth?

Sigma: “And they make porn of us!”

MrSing: I have never lied or murdered anyone and if say that again I’ll shank you and put you on the pile with the others!

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD!”

WE WILL BE THE HEROES OF THIS WORLD AND THE MULTIVERSE! YOU WILL ALL BE HONORED IN THE WALLS OF HONOR!"

Scarlet: “WHICH IS APPARENTLY A THING WHICH WE HAVE NOW!”

MrSing: It’s right next to the hall of postmodern art.

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “LOUD NOISES!”

Suddenly a small helicopter loaded with soldiers flew overhead

Crazy56U: “blaring ‘Do You Love Me’ while beginning to gun the ponies down.”

and a general with a megaphone spoke to her.

Scarlet: Because this is totally how modern wars work and a commanding officer would totally expose his ass to aerial reprisal in this way.

Waterpear: No, it makes perfect sense. How else is the top brass going to shout terrible one-liners at each other?

Crazy56U: “Like our kickass helicopter? Surrender now, and we’ll give you it for free!”

"Hello, Princess Celestia. This is your first, and final, warning.

Sigma: “We have McDonald’s here.” “RETREAT! RETREEEEEEAT!”

Crazy56U: “Stop this now so we can end this story on the spot.”

Surrender and go back to your world, we will not follow. Attack and we will open fire.

Scarlet: “Are you taking notes? There will be a test on these terms later. I have asked Private First Class Jenkins to distribute the paper.”

Crazy56U: “Retreat, and we will pursue. And that is how wars work, hope you enjoyed the refresher.”

There are 6 C-130s carrying over 30 M1A2 Abraham tanks, 8 F-35s, 3 A-10s, 6 Apache Attack Helicopters, 10 Sea Knight medium lift helicopters filled with US Marines, and multiple Tomahawk Missiles standing by for launch.

Scarlet: You scrambled Abraham Tanks for use in the Great Plains? While planning to strafe the area with missiles? I’m not a soldier but I’m pretty sure you don’t call in an air strike on the same place you’ve got your own artillery standing!

SC276: I’m pretty sure we got at least one army nut here, or at least someone willing to Google those names. Can someone check those, please?

Topher: On it! *Slams head into keyboard repeatedly* What? It’s clearly how the military is naming their weapons.

RJ: Okay, let the vet here work. No, you wouldn’t fire artillery or an air strike onto your own troops, the F-35 isn’t even out of testing yet, it’s Abrams not Abraham, and even ONE of those wouldn’t fit on a C-130 because it’s too freaking big both in weight AND size. Google your shit son.

MrSing: “Is this the military? Yeah? I’d like an order of five XR-10s with extra cheese on top and a side order of six A56-Ds without any onions.”

Crazy56U: “We also have sticks to poke you with as well, and trust me, the fuckers are sharp.”

Overall, there are over 350 heavily armed soldiers waiting for a war. Do you surrender?"

Scarlet: 350? You were facing extradimensional armies and you brought fewer troops than what the local branch of the national guard probably has garrisoned? Um, yeah, this war will be over in five minutes alright.

Waterpear: It’s like the battle at Thermopylae, except without any of the cool parts.

Bucephalus: This. Is. Crappy Fanfiction!

Crazy56U: Unless those are Captain America-style super soldiers, I don’t really see

how that’s impressive...

"PAH, WE HAVE 40 THOUSAND SOLDIERS, ARMED WITH SOLID GOLD ARMOR AND WEAPONS! YOU DO NOT STAND A CHANCE!"

Scarlet: Also we have a make-shit-come-to-life spell that we can cast on helicopters. Sucks to be you general!

SC276: Just a Want It Need It on one of their tanks, it’ll be fine.

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “YOU THINK YOUR STICKS SCARE US?! WE HAVE SPEARS, BITCH!”

The pilot could be heard saying "Is she serious?!" in the helicopter.

MrSing: Oh no! They are going to tank the value of gold, disturbing the already frail economy! We surrender!

Crazy56U: [Pilot] “Jesus Christ, tell me she’s not that suicidally stupid…”

The general again spoke into the megaphone "Are you serious? Solid gold armor and weapons."

Scarlet: Dude this is not how you fucking negotiate during wartime- what even am I reading?

SC276: Someone’s played Minecraft, apparently…

Sigma: No, if they played Minecraft, they would be diamond.

Crazy56U: That’s what I’ve been sayin’!!!

"OF COURSE. NOW, IF YOU SURRENDER YOUR DEATH WILL BE QUICK!"

Scarlet: I see that Chrysalis is up to her old tricks again.

Crazy56U: Either that or Celestia is fucking plastered.

Bucephalus: Tell us where the talking llama is… and we’ll burn your house to the ground.

SC276: Um, don’t you mean “or?”

"It's your funeral." was the last thing the general said before reaching for his radio and saying "We are a go." The helicopter flew away and Celestia thought that they were retreating.

Scarlet: Um, no. Why would you think that. A messenger departing back to the lines of their main force was a thing even in ancient warfare. I…. what even?

MrSing: You don’t get it. All the soldiers and tanks were in that one single helicopter.

Crazy56U: Uh….

"SEE, MY SOLDIERS! WE HAVE ALREADY SCARED THEM OFF! COME, WE MARCH!"

SC276: Gheeze, this Celestia is an idiot. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this exact brand of idiocy before, but it was so stupid my brain scrubbed it to avoid hard disk corruption.

MrSing: Patton she is not.

Crazy56U: ...I stand by my plastered theory.

The USS Missouri, the USS Iowa and the USS New Jersey

SC276: Wait, aren’t these ships? Launching into the middle of the U.S.? What military experience does this author have, DEFCON?

Sigma: I haven’t seen ship placement this bad since Transformers 2.

MrSing: I haven’t seen ships this bad since I last looked at fimfiction.

Crazy56U: I haven’t seen ships this shipped since I shipped them using FedEx. ...ship…

Topher: Um... Additional ship pun.

"Launching Tomahawks."

Scarlet: Yes, fire all of your arsenal at your own soil. At a technologically inferior foe. Brilliant plan! *thumbs-up*

Crazy56U: Luckily I still have this cued up.

Great Plains

MrSing: Bringing you plain great Great Plaines since 1870.

Crazy56U: Greater Values

"Princess, what's that noise?" asked Shining Armor shortly before 3 Tomahawk Missiles struck the 40 thousand soldiers, many of which died. "WHAT IN TARTARUS WAS THAT!" shouted Shining.

Scarlet: That, my friend, is the smell of bullshit in the morning. *takes a deep whiff* Mmm… smells like victory.

Crazy56U: (sniff sniff) ...what smells like burnt glue?

Topher: Sorry, I decided to try smoking glue instead of sniffing it. Didn’t work. Also all the horses that just got nuked to oblivion.

"Simply human magic, my general. Nothing to fear."

Scarlet: Holy shit! It is Chrysalis!

Crazy56U: ...now, technically, technically, Celestia isn’t wrong. Explosions are caused by science, and science can be considered to be akin to magic...

replied shortly before a 6 large, flying objects were seen in the distance.

MrSing: I always knew the military was hiding air whales from the rest of us.

Crazy56U: Well, apparently sky sharks exist, so why not.

Bucephalus: Nuke... the Whales!

5 smaller objects dropped out of the back of each. Shortly after the large objects flew overhead. "Pegasi, destroy them."

Scarlet: No, you fool! It’s a bullet hell pattern! You have to ignore the complexity and focus on the small area around your hitbox or you’ll never survive!

Waterpear: The objects had verbs done to them by the subjects.

Crazy56U: Well… things will be destroyed, and the pegasi are involved, so...

"Yes, ma'am."

Crazy56U: “I’m always down for a suicide mission!”

The pegasi in the army took off and approached the large objects. Suddenly, many of the pegasi were shred to pieces and a smaller flying objects shot by.

SC276: ...I’m not sure what to say to this. This is the stupidity that would fail the tutorial case of Ace Attorney games.

Crazy56U: ...so, they were hit with flying lawnmowers?

"Ma'am, I believe that we should retreat." suggested Shining.

Crazy56U: [Shining] “You know, maybe enough of our forces have died to make this a

pointless mission, you think?”

"No, my general, they are just getting lucky." replied Celestia.

SC276: Yeah. Lucky. Hitting 40k guys in 3 shots is “lucky.”

MrSing: Praise RNGesus!

Crazy56U: And on that note!

After a few seconds, Shining replied "Ma'am, all the pegasi are dead.

Scarlet: “Though to be fair none of them were apparently capable of moving fast enough to leave contrails in the sky to compete with flying machines, so not really much of a loss. Why didn’t we bring the Wonderbolts, again?”

Crazy56U: [Shining] “The fuck is wrong with you.”

We are taking massive casualties and it has only been 3 minut- wait, what's that rumbling?"

Crazy56U: My guess? More incoming death.

Then a row of 6 columns of Abrahams came into view over the horizon, about a mile away.

Crazy56U: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

In the Distance

MrSing: I’m just waiting for the fic to slip up and say “somewhere over there” as one of the locations.

Crazy56U: If it does, I’m suing for plagiarism.

"Alright boys. Intel says that the opposition has solid gold armor, this should be easy. What's the plan?" asked a commander of a lead tank.

Scarlet: “Intel”? Wh- I… you overheard this shit! It was all shouted at you! How on earth did you confirm it?

Waterpear: Intel says they’re gold, but AMD thinks it’s just painted steel.

MrSing: “Our tanks are solid lead. We have the advantage.”

Crazy56U: “Eh, I think our current plan of missiles is working just fine, to be frank…”

"BLITZKRIEG!" shouted most of the commanders.

Scarlet: What the fuck? The Major’s in this now? Shit, I don’t have time to fight vampire nazis during this riff!

Waterpear: There’s always time to fight vampire nazis. Just spar with one or two a day and you’ll knock ‘em all out in no time.

Crazy56U: ...so, just keep killing, then?

"Fuck yeah, BLITZKRIEG!" shouted the commander as he ordered all tanks to charge and call in air support.

Scarlet: So you’re charging straight into the area… where you’re asking your air support to fire tons of ordnance… and...that is not how you do a coordinated strike!

Waterpear: That is not how you do a coordinated fanfic.

Bucephalus: That is how you throw a victory in any strategy game ever.

Crazy56U: “I FUCKING LOVE THAT SONG!”

Back to Ponies

MrSing: I’m watching you, fic.

Crazy56U: Yes, back to the slaughter.

"Ma'am, the metal carriages are advancing. Orders?" said Shining Armor, visibly looking for a place to run.

SC276: Well you could have the unicorns levitate those things onto their side.

Sigma: Or make a wall of death, maybe a couple mosh pits.

Crazy56U: Or… make a shield?

"This is where we turn the tide; FORM A DEFENSIVE LINE! WE WILL STOP THOSE MONSTROSITIES HERE!" said Celestia in her Royal Canterlot Voice.

SC276: Or, y’know, the stupid option.

Waterpear: Always take the stupid option. It’s the smart thing to do.

Crazy56U: ...hmm... Let’s get Speed Racer’s take on this stupidity:

Bucephalus: Geez. Why hasn’t Equestria been killed in the past ten thousand years Celestia has been in charge? Oh yeah… she actually knows how to run things.

The 3,000 ponies remaining formed the line when a large amount of smoke was ejected from the barrel of one of the tanks.

MrSing: “Stop smoking in there Private Jenkins!”

Crazy56U: Well, at least that smoke isn’t on the water, lest we have fire in the sky...

Shortly afterward, there was a massive explosion and many more of the ponies died.

SC276: Did Celestia just forget to pack unicorns or something? My closest experience to wargames is Darwinia, and I would’ve known to get away from that shit!

Scarlet: Why aren’t we out of ponies yet? I guess solid gold armor can tank Tomahawk fire!

Waterpear: Yes, in much the same way that jet fuel cannot melt steel beams.

Crazy56U: To immerse yourself in this story, hit your hand with a hammer every time ponies die.

More tanks fired and more ponies were blown to hell. "Teleport to Canterlot?" asked Shining.

"Teleport to Canterlot." agreed Celestia.

SC276: “Run away!” “RUN AWAY!”

Crazy56U: “Ahhh?” “AHHHHHHHHHH!”

"WE WILL BE BACK HUMANS, AND THEN WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!" There was a flash and Celestia and Shining were gone.

Scarlet: TEAM CELESTIA’S BLASTING OFF AGAIIIIIIIIN! (ding!)

Waterpear: Team Celestia makes Team Rocket look competent. At least the Rockets knew that rubber gloves were a thing. OOCelestia would probably eat the gloves.

MrSing: I’ll get you next time, Inspector Gadget. Next time!

Crazy56U: They went back to Canterlot to shit themselves in fear.

One of the ponies noticed this and said "THOSE MOTHERBUCKERS!". He was then teleported to the moon, however, a SABOT round that was about to ruin his day came with him.

SC276: That makes even less sense than the rest of the fic.

Scarlet: Apparently Celestia can banish surly unicorns to the moon, but not members of invading armies or their weaponry.

MrSing: It only works if you swear.

Crazy56U: Well, that just makes no goddamn- aw, fuck, that was so stupid, Speed Racer’s freaking out now:

"RETREAT TO THE PORTAL!" shouted a lieutenant unicorn,

SC276: OK, you have unicorns, why not use Magic Missile?!

MrSing: They only prepared charm spells. Intel fucked up on the mission briefing.

Crazy56U: “RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAY!”

the only remaining officer in the once 40,000 strong army that was now only 376 ponies.

Scarlet: I… got nothing. This is a “humor” fic about the fact that thousands were slaughtered. Pen Stroke, I am so fucking sorry. I didn’t know… I… I didn’t know.

Sigma: So this is why cancer exists.

MrSing: It’s all fun and games until a massacre happens. Then it’s hilarious.

Crazy56U: And this is what Celestia gets for not researching shit before waging a war. ...and what the author gets for not researching shit before writing shit.

There were only earth ponies and unicorns left, as all the pegasi had been killed trying to stop the A-10s that were continuously strafing them.

SC276: We already know all the pegasi are dead, stop repeating yourself!

Scarlet: The funeral will be held after massive pogroms against the US are conducted by a vengeful Discord.

Crazy56U: ...I-I think I missed something, was it mentioned before that that’s what those were?

They barely made it a sixteenth of the way before all of them were killed. Celestia, sitting safe and sound in her throne room, sensed this and entered the mindscape

MrSing: The number one new MMORPG in all of Equestria.

Crazy56U: Which is code for “she took a hit off of her bong”.

to see the possibilities of her victory in the Multiverse.

SC276: Yeah, sure, why not. This is a fic where unicorns forgot they could magic.

Scarlet: And Pegasi forgot how to manipulate the weather, and ponies didn’t exhibit a single ancient tactic of war, and Celestia decided to commit xenocide for no good reason other than “fuck humans”, and yeah whatever.

Crazy56U: And then Celestia imagined “The Conversion Bureau”. She promptly smashed her bong in fear.

After an hour of searching, she discovered for every 1 where she got to the outskirts of a city, there were another million where her forces were slaughtered and even that was generous, as all the universes where she got to a city she didn't visit the UN meeting and announce her plan. It appeared that she would never wipe the multiverse clean of humanity.

Scarlet: Wait wait wait what? Not just this universe, but every universe? Bullshit! What about the universe where humans were conquered by apes? What a- do you even know what a multiverse is I just how do you even nerd?

Topher: There’s even a universe where a bunch of guys sit in an unknown location and say silly things about silly stories, and occasionally do silly things. That’s how silly you can go with a multiverse.

MrSing: I don’t want to visit that universe, it sounds stupid.

Crazy56U: What about the universe where man evolved from corn?!

However, she realized that maybe, just maybe, humanity was a necessary evil.

SC276: Where else can Nuzlocke comic makers get fresh tears?

MrSing: We do make some good hamburgers.

Crazy56U: And Netflix was a beneficial thing we made…

Bucephalus: Hear that guys? She’s excusing our existence. We are now vindicated.

Topher: Yaaay.

They had advanced more than her ponies ever would, reached the moon without magic

MrSing: We didn’t even have to swear to get there. We still did though, but we didn’t have to.

Crazy56U: Well, depending on who you ask, while it wasn’t magic per say, apparently Buzz Aldrin made a deal with a demon so he could into space.

Bucephalus: One small step for- damn. Forgot my lunch.

and were discovering the inner workings of the universe. Maybe she could find a universe where she didn't try to invade and be friendly with them.

Crazy56U: (scoff) As if that’s possible.

'Yes that's it.' she said to herself 'I wouldn't be a very good leader if I didn't do what is best for my little ponies. I must try again.'

SC276: And again. And again. And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again-

Crazy56U: Celestia, you dirty ratt.

Then she realized that something had crossed into her universe.

MrSing: My god. Two crossovers in one fic. No one deserves that.

Crazy56U: It was shrimp. A lot of shrimp.

She knew it couldn't be any survivors, so she looked out the large window and saw a large tube flying towards the castle.

MrSing: A military grade hotdog.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a ketchup bottle)

'Great,' she thought to herself, 'I decided to change my ways and they decided to nuke me.

SC276: By this fic’s own logic, how does she know what a nuke is?

Crazy56U: She sobered up just long enough to realize what the fuck is happening, that’s why.

Bucephalus: Whatever happened to that whole unbelievably powerful levitation that we’ve seen both her and several other unicorns display?

Topher: You’d think that with power that can move THE SUN, it would be easy to stop a missile.

Sometimes the Multiverse isn't fair.' She, as well as Canterlot, was vaporized by a nuclear explosion.

Crazy56U: And thus, we finally get a nuke.

THE END

Or is it?

Sigma: It better be.

MrSing: This Fallout: Equestria prequel sucks!

Crazy56U: Nope, it is, everything’s nuked, night night!

Probably is but it's the multiverse.

Scarlet: Given infinite time and infinite fragments, at least one exists where a miracle takes place. And this story isn’t terrible.

Crazy56U: Because it never got made.

SC276: Well at least we’re done for the week-

RingmasterJ5: Next are two fics actually submitted by their authors. First up, is “An Elegant Friendship” by Cora Zone Unicorn.

SC276: ...oh, right.

MrSing: I wonder if there is a multiverse where good fanfiction exists.

Bucephalus: Sure there is. But we’re in fanfic purgatory and can never go there.

Crazy56U: Already, I don’t have I hopes...

It was a beautiful, sunny day. The birds were chirping, children were playing, and you could practically hear some peaceful music playing.

Scarlet: and the pants were growing and the sun was almost down from the top of sky.

SC276: “It was a beautiful, sunny day” is the “It was a dark and stormy night” of pony fiction.

MrSing: Hell, complaining about the “It was a beautiful, sunny day” has become the “It was a beautiful, sunny day” of riffing.

Bucephalus: What a day. What a lovely day.

Crazy56U: You made me do this, Narrator.

Topher: “All except Rainbow Dash, who-” Wait, wrong fanfic. Same generic opening, though.

All and all, it was just the best day for a nice and peaceful picnic with a group of friends.

Sigma: But it is not this day.

MrSing: Where can I buy these “friend” things that everyone keeps talking about?

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, two bears watched from a distance, ready to strike. One wore a hat and a tie, the other a bow tie.

“Ugh! Where is Fluttershy?!”

Scarlet: Judging by our last riff, trying to recover from the trauma of being shipped with Rhymey.

Crazy56U: Probably locking Angel in the “Time Out Closet” so she can go outside and do things.

Well… almost peaceful…

SC276: Ha ha, low-key meta humor.

MrSing: Well... almost humor…

Crazy56U: Narrator, cut your shit.

Rainbow Dash facehoofed, while the others groaned in annoyance.

Sigma: “Why do we have to be in a bad fanfic when she gets out of it?”

Crazy56U: Everyone is getting sick of Rainbow’s shit? (opens a can of Diet Coke) ...is this the prequel to “A Friendship Broken By Loyalty”? (begins drinking)

“She’ll be here soon, Discord,”

Crazy56U: (chokes on Diet Coke)

Topher: OH GOD NO.

the pegasus reassured him, probably more annoyed with the draconequus’s whining than the others.

Scarlet: Am I reading a fanon version of “Make New Friends But Keep Discord” written before the actual episode?

Crazy56U: Either that, or the author is a prophet that got some details wrong.

“But we’ve been waiting for ages,” Discord complained.

SC276: And already we’re going to hell.

Crazy56U: Already?

“We’ve only been waiting for five minutes,” Applejack corrected him, her unamused expression matching the tone in her voice.

Scarlet: *produces a button reading ‘laugh track’ and presses it*

Crazy56U: I post this without comment.

Not liking the tone that came out of the southern belle’s mouth, he snapped the fingers on his lion paw.

MrSing: “Oh god! The pain! Why did I do that!?”

Crazy56U: “And then Applejack turned into a box of Corn Pops.”

In a flash, the hat upon her head transformed from a Stetson, to a giant half orange peel carcass that overtook her entire head and soaking her in orange juice.

SC276: … *shrugs* Eh.

Scarlet: Should’ve turned it into a watermelon, or possibly a pickled beet. Both equally family-friendly, but somehow funnier.

Sigma: Or, just made her hat vanish completely and send her into a blood rage, as my headcanon states that her hat is her true brain. Don’t try to use facts against me, I’m behind seven proxies and multiple FiMFiction alts.

Crazy56U: ...or you could’ve turned her into Corn Pops…

Topher: I’m with Crazy on this one. Corn Pops are awesome.

Pinkie Pie broke out into a fit of laughter,

MrSing: It was about something completely unrelated though.

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, the LSD kicked in.

whilst Rarity simply scooted away from Applejack as far as she could to keep herself from being touched from the stickiness of the fruit juice. Twilight glared at draconequus.

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Discord! How could you? You know that gag’s beyond stale in fanon by now!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Great! Now we have to give Applejack another bath!”

“Discord! What was that for?”

Sigma: “I mean, besides being a redneck!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “We could’ve eaten that orange! The fuck?!”

“She was being rude to me,” he explained, crossing his arms together.

SC276: Believe me, I wish I could turn the headgear of the people that annoy me into orange peels.

Scarlet: I can’t do that, but I can do nasty things using this orange peeler!

Crazy56U: ...then why an orange? If Applejack really offended you so much that you’d drop shit on her head, you could’ve used something worse an orange:

Topher: WHAT THE DEVIL DICKENS DIDDLY DOODAH FUCK AM I WITNESSING?!

“Get this darn thing off of me,” Applejack demanded, having a hard time getting the giant peel off of her head due to how slippery and sticky her hooves were.

Scarlet: All the people who subscribed to the “AJ’s hat is a memento” fanon are crying harder than they did during that last Manehattan episode.

MrSing: That hat was made from her father’s skin? That’s pretty brutal.

Crazy56U: ... (coughratedRcough)

“No,” he protested, his face turning into a pout. He then opened one eye, looking in the country mare’s direction. “Not until you apologize for your rudeness towards me.”

Scarlet: Discord- secretly the average five year old.

MrSing: I hate it when five year olds turn my things into fruit.

Crazy56U: Yeah, you expect that shit from three year olds.

The country pony sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Discord gave a little smirk before snapping his lion paw once again. A bright flash of light appeared, immediately getting rid of the giant fruit peel.

Scarlet: It was replaced by a moray eel named Lenny.

Crazy56U: (groan) Goddamnit, I fucking hate that guy...

With a sigh of relief, Applejack wiped her forehead, only to find out very quickly that she was still soaked in orange juice. “Hey,” shouted the mare, “I’m still covered in juice.”

Crazy56U: W-we know.

“You just told me to get the peel off of your head,” he pointed out. “You didn’t asked to be cleaned up as well.”

SC276: This is kinda OK, but also somewhat predictable.

Scarlet: It’s like a thin haze of competency concealing… nothing. It’s filling space.

Crazy56U: I have a feeling that the original story barely fit on a notecard, and so the author padded the fuck out of it to get up to 1k words.

The orange pony groaned whilst the draconequus stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry.

SC276: Fruit, everywhere.

Scarlet: Was the author writing this before lunch or something?

Sigma: Plot twist, the author’s lunch wrote this.

Crazy56U: Either that, or the author is drunk on fruit punch...

The rest of the ponies glared at him; all except for Pinkie Pie, who was still laughing uncontrollably.

MrSing: Pinkie “no empathy” Pie.

Crazy56U: Pinkie must of doubled down on the LSD, t-that can’t be healthy.

Discord smiled wickedly in victory until a familiar voice spoke from behind him.

Scarlet: “Seven Days.”

Sigma: “KONO DIO DA!”

MrSing: “Driver’s license and registration, please.”

Crazy56U: “GET ON WITH IT!”

“Um… did we miss anything?”

Crazy56U: Surprisingly not really, Voice.

His face automatically froze.

Crazy56U: FUCK, now we gotta reboot him...

He knew that voice anywhere. It was the voice that always seemed to calm him down whenever he was in a fit of rage. A voice that belonged to the one pony that he could tell anything to.

SC276: How long is this fic again? I’m pretty sure we don’t have time for purple prose.

Scarlet: A bunch of Celesticord shippers are about to be very disappointed.

Sigma: “It was John Freeman.”

Crazy56U: It was his meth dealer.

He turned around to see just the pony he was waiting for.

Scarlet: “Tree Hugger!”

Sigma: I still think of a hippie Xenomorph hatchling when I hear that name.

Crazy56U: But, instead, it was one of the bears.

“Fluttershy,” he said, with huge grin on his face.

Scarlet: I was close!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a “You Tried” sticker) Here, you earned it.

Topher: Way to go Scarlet! Soon you’ll have as many of those as me! *pulls out a binder about eight inch thick*

The little ends of the white tuft on his tail snapped, making Applejack clean as a whistle.

Crazy56U: ...because, why the fuck not, really...

He then picked up the little yellow pegasus. “Oh, it’s about time you got here,” he exclaimed, pulling her into a hug. “I was getting awfully irritated.”

Scarlet: He has an itch only Fluttershy can scratch and oh god I’ve edited too many clopfics.

Crazy56U: (pats Scarlet on the back) There, there...

Sigma: DARF FLASHBACKS INCOMING.

“That’s a bit of an understatement, darling,” Rarity said.

SC276: No, “awfully irritated” is not getting a costume ready for Halloween in time. What Discord has done in this fic is “mild annoyance.”

Crazy56U: Cue the Seinfeld theme.

He rolled his eyes, ignoring Rarity’s comment. It was then that a certain thought struck him. He released the mare from his embrace, facing her directly. “Wait a minute, did you say ‘we?’”

Scarlet: Motherfucker, this is-

MrSing: Fluttershy is royalty?

Crazy56U: Fluttershy has a split personality.

Fluttershy nodded her head, her wings flapping in the air. “I invited a good friend of mine to join us.”

SC276: Was this before “Make New Friends but Keep Discord?” I’m guessing it was.

Scarlet: Hey, I was about to make that riff! We’re low on material here!

SC276: I don’t think we replenished enough from last week…

Sigma: Just drink some prune juice, it produces the same effect.

Bucephalus: Interestingly enough, this was published several months after Make New Friends but Keep Discord. Spin the wheel and pick your reason.

Crazy56U: That isn’t proving me wrong, Fluttershy...

Discord’s right eye twitched a bit. She invited a friend, he asked himself. Another one? It’s bad enough I have to sit through a picnic with all the others, but a new one?

Crazy56U: Is the Narrator still telling us Discord’s thoughts, or are they venting now?

He looked downward to see that there was indeed another pony along with Fluttershy.

Scarlet: Apparently Discord has very selective blindness.

MrSing: The pony was actually three inches tall.

Crazy56U: It’s okay, Discord. Just dump them in that sock puppet dimension...

She was an earth pony with a grey fur coat and perfectly well-groomed raven mane that seemed to shine in Celestia’s sunlight. The most notable thing about her, however, was that she wore a pink bowtie around her neck.

Scarlet: Alright, place your bets: snobby Octavia, classy Octavia with minimal stuffiness, or- my personal favorite- Octavia OCD?

SC276: It honestly took me awhile to remember there’s a canon pony with that design.

Bucephalus: Classy. Nobody would try and hook up Fluttershy with the other two. Right?

Crazy56U: I’m personally fond of Russian Octavia. It’s one of the few things about

“Discorded Whooves” I actually liked...

Oh, I do hope she not one of those snooty ponies from Canterlot, Discord thought to himself.

SC276: ha ha ha ha ha ha

Sigma: you have no chance to survive make your time

Crazy56U: ...so, in other words, you hope she isn’t from Canterlot?

Setting herself down next to the young mare, Fluttershy spoke.

Scarlet: Is anyone else thinking that the story of how Fluttershy met Octavia and befriended someone outside the Mane 6 circle would be more interesting than this story?

SC276: Yes, though to be fair, most fics would be more interesting this story.

Crazy56U: Here’s an example of one.

"Everypony, this is my friend Octavia.

Scarlet: “Hi, Octavia!”

Sigma: “My name is Octavia, and I’m an alcoholic…”

Crazy56U: “Uh, this isn’t an AA meeting… That’s Friday…”

Topher: Is it, or is it that you guys can’t admit you have a problem?

Octavia, these are my friends Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack,” she said, gesturing to each one of them and giving them brief moments wave “hello” to the mare. “And this is Discord,” she said, with a wide grin on her face.

Scarlet: It must be really awkward introducing your friends to the chaos elemental you know. “This is Jeff, Sally, Lashawnda- oh and that’s Manixl, the tenth-dimensional squamata-human hybrid we met at the Smoothie King last week!”

SC276: They said Seattle’s best. Also, you’d think Octavia would know, given she would’ve been in the area when Discord hit Ponyville at the start of season 2.

Crazy56U: She probably repressed that incident. And she should, because fuck “Return of Harmony”...

She thought she would save the best for last, in her opinion.

Crazy56U: I don’t know who this is more of a burn on...

Octavia gave them all a slight nod, smiling. “It is very nice to meet each and every one of you,” she said, a sultry British accent escaping her lips.

Scarlet: Well now I know what accent you find sexy, author.

Sigma: Do ponies have British?

MrSing: “Ey govenuh. Care for a spot o’ tea? Me mum made it ‘erself with leafs off the ground, she did.”

Crazy56U: Damn it, I wanted Russian...

“Fluttershy has told me so much about you.” She lifted her head to look Discord in the eyes. “Especially you, Discord.”

SC276: [Octavia] “Granted, most of them were dismissing rumors…”

MrSing: “I heard a rumor that you’re a dumbass. Is that true?”

Crazy56U: [Octavia] “She says that after you guys met for the first time, you got stoned? What’s that about?”

A slight shade of red appeared across Fluttershy’s face, which he saw and had a huge grin spread across his face.

Scarlet: The Celesticord fans may be preparing to invade our riffspace. I have taken the liberty of bolting the… do we have doors?

SC276: Well we used to have windows…

Sigma: Hah. What can they do from the internet?

Crazy56U: Bad things. Duh.

Bucephalus: They may take our lives, but they’ll never take… our riffing abilities!

“Oh, you have, have you,” he teased her, his body encircling the pegasus like a serpent.

Scarlet: Oh no we are not transitioning into vore, I’VE SEEN DEVIANTART I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS!

Sigma: It’s happening, Scarlet, accept it.

MrSing: Don’t think of it as vore, think of it as hugging someone from the inside.

Crazy56U: (quietly prepares a barf bag)

She felt her face become hot as fifty

Sigma: -Shades of Grey?

Crazy56U: (punches Sigma)

glasses of steaming apple cider.

Crazy56U: That’s… an obscene amount of cider...

“U-uh…” she stammered, her blushing becoming more apparent. “So, how about lunch,” she asked, rather quickly.

“Yes, please,” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, almost out of relief. “I’m starving!”

SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Anything to finish this story quicker!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I’m literally 10 seconds away from eating Pinkie, and the amount of sugar in her system will probably kill me…”

Topher: I THOUGHT WE AGREED, NO VORE!

The group of friends sat on the red and white checkered blanket in the middle of the local park. There were daisy and dandelion sandwiches, chocolate chip muffins, apple juice, and some of Fluttershy’s famous tea cakes as set up on the fabric.

Scarlet: Brian Jacques wandered into the story for a brief moment, nodded his head in approval, and wandered out to return to his woodland-trifle filled afterlife.

MrSing: I think the author was more interested in snacks than romance. I also approve.

Crazy56U: Okay, Octavia’s British and Fluttershy made tea cakes; quick question, is the author British?

SC276: Check how he spells the word “color.”

Throughout the picnic they were some jokes told by Pinkie Pie, Twilight and Rainbow Dash getting into an intense debate about which of the Daring Do book were the best,

SC276: That literally couldn’t wait until you could avoid collateral fanrage?

Scarlet: Nope! All fanrage must be vicious and public! The internet commands it!

Crazy56U: Hey, as long as Twilight doesn’t pull a knife on Rainbow again, I’m sure things will work out...

and Discord talking about adventure he and Fluttershy had with the CMC a few months back.

SC276: That’s from the comics, isn’t it? I need to catch up on those sometime…

Crazy56U: I-I wouldn’t recommend doing that, just FYI...

“So, Octavia,” Rarity began, “how did you and Fluttershy meet?”

Sigma: “Through online dating.”

Crazy56U: [Octavia] “Chatroulette. She was a major improvement over the obscene amount of penis.”

“Yeah, I mean you’re one of the most elegant ponies in probably all of Equestria,” Pinkie Pie said, stuffing a chocolate chip muffin in her mouth.

Scarlet: Rarity said nothing, but locked her feelings away in the secret garden she constructed in her heart. In time she would release that dark emotion. But not now.

Crazy56U: Rarity was already planning on how to get away with turning Pinkie into a pair of slippers.

“Well, let’s face it guys, Fluttershy is pretty elegant herself,” Rainbow Dash pointed out. Everypony murmured in agreement, causing a light shade of pink to form on the pegasus’s cheeks.

SC276: Fluttershy’s a real blusher in this one, isn’t she…

Crazy56U: Well, it’s either blushing or running away in fear...

Octavia chuckled. “Well, Fluttershy and I actually met in a music class, I believe back when I first moved to Ponyville. Isn’t that right?”

Scarlet: ...huh. Well, she does have the whole singing voice thing… but… wait, Fluttershy signing up for a class that requires constant social interaction? I don’t even suffer from severe anxiety and I avoid people like the plague when I’m not working!

Bucephalus: This makes no sense. If anyone needs me, I’m going to be looking for continuity in the trash can.

Crazy56U: How do you know she took a music class for singing? She probably took it so she could learn how to play the accordion, or something...

Fluttershy nodded her head, confirming the explanation. “That’s right.”

“Music class? You took a music class, Fluttershy,” Applejack asked, surprised to find out this new information.

Scarlet: Hey, that’s what I said!

Crazy56U: That was literally brought up two sentences ago, Applejack, we know.

“Yes, I did, Applejack.”

“But I thought you hated performing in public,” Rainbow Dash asked, slightly confused.

“I’m slowly getting over it…” she mumbled softly.

SC276: Also, not all music requires performing in public necessarily. I mean, c’mon, I’m not going to drag our electric keyboard out into the street to play for people. ...OK, I don’t actually know how to play the keyboard, but the point still stands!

Scarlet: Shit, I was going to ask if we could form a garage band and do nothing but Rainbooms covers.

Sigma: I can play drums… But unless it’s metal, rock, or maybe the first Stardust Crusaders opening, I can’t help you.

MrSing: I’m a beast at playing the triangle.

Crazy56U: ...does clapping count as playing a musical instrument? Because I can do that…

Topher: Does your rock band require a tuba?

“Well, she and I were the only ones taking the class at the time,”

MrSing: It wasn’t so much a class as it was the two of them having lunch in the same classroom.

Crazy56U: Come on, now. A music class of only two students isn’t really a class. At best, it’s a really sad get-together with a soundtrack.

Octavia said, clarifying all the confusion as best as she can.

SC276: Well, at least it’s not a college class?

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, Octavia unintentionally caused more confusion.

“I was practicing on the cello, and she was actually taking lessons on the violin. Though, I never really understood why considering she’s a complete natural,” the British mare complemented.

Scarlet: Violin lessons? Wait, isn’t Fluttershy canonically a natural singer? Wouldn’t it make mo- god I’m nitpicking so hard! Harder than usual!

MrSing: She’s a natural at it, you know, having no fingers and all.

Crazy56U: Fuck you, Author, I say Fluttershy would prefer the accordion.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” Discord said, bringing his lion paw and eagle claw in mid-air gesturing for them to stop.

SC276: ...I feel the need to say something here, but I can’t think of what.

MrSing: I haven’t heard this much “whoa”s since my last Keanu Reeves movie.

Crazy56U: Funny, it reminds me of Shia Labeouf.

Bucephalus: Hey, Discord agrees with us.

“Violin? There’s no way she plays the violin. Frankly, Fluttershy you’ve never even told me you could play.”

“Yeah, Fluttershy, why haven’t you told us,” Twilight asked, curious to hear the rest.

“Oh, well… I-I didn’t think you would want to hear me play a silly little instrument.

SC276: It’s a violin. That’s, like, the definitive high-brow instrument.

Scarlet: From now on, future references to the violin will be accompanied by me citing instructions from “The Faerie’s Aire and Death Waltz.”

Sigma: Even Fluttershy wouldn’t call the goddamn violin a silly little instrument.

Crazy56U: Twilight is a music snob, apparently… ...like, a very odd music snob...

Besides, I’m not that great.”

Octavia scoffed at Fluttershy’s comment. “Don’t be so modest, Fluttershy. I’m sure they would love to hear you play.”

Scarlet: “Through the frog.”

MrSing: “PLAY FREEBIRD!”

Crazy56U: “Through the Fire and the Flames!!!”

“Yes, darling, we’d absolutely love for you to play for us,” Rarity said, encouragingly.

“Can you play for us right now,” Pinkie Pie asked, getting really excited.

“O-oh, well, Octavia and I haven’t brought our instruments,” the pegasus said regretfully.

Scarlet: “Release the penguins.”

Crazy56U: THE END.

“Allow me to help you with that, my dear,” Discord said, bowing in a sort of elegant manner.

Crazy56U: Aw fuck...

A bright flash of light suddenly appeared out of nowhere once the draconequus snapped a couple of his fingers that were on his eagle claw.

SC276: Talon. It’s called a talon, author.

MrSing: But claw sounds so much more rad.

Crazy56U: Please say that flash means the end of the world as we know it? I’d feel fine about that.

In a millisecond, a cello and bow appeared appeared in Octavia’s hooves, whilst a violin and another bow appeared in Fluttershy’s.

SC276: Then a family of acorn-headed squirrels scurried out of them and disappeared into the brush.

Scarlet: “Above the frog”

MrSing: The shockwave of the air being pushed away knocked them out cold.

Crazy56U: (loud groan)

Shocked, the shy pony lifted her head, looking her chaotic friend in the eyes. “Really, Discord?”

“Hey, if she says that you’re a natural, I want to be able to witness it myself.”

A bright smile appeared across her fair and gentle face. She then quickly gave him a hug before flying over to the earth pony’s side.

SC276: Does this fic have a point yet? I’m suffering Danganronpa withdrawal because I haven’t experienced anything in like fifteen minutes and I can’t tell.

Scarlet: Allow me to make up for that withdrawal by kicking you in the liver while simultaneously patting you gently on the head while you solve a logic puzzle.

Bucephalus: All that will achieve is you ending up kicking him in the liver and in the head. Don’t you know that whole rule of ‘can’t pat your head and rub your tummy?’

Crazy56U: I think the closest thing to a point this story has is that orange from the

start.

The rest of the girls and Discord made themselves comfortable on the picnic blanket while the two of them were setting themselves up.

MrSing: I always have to assemble myself too before singing.

Crazy56U: Isn’t it a bitch when you spontaneously fall apart into pieces?

Octavia stood up on her hind legs, placing her bow on the strings of the cello. She glanced over at Fluttershy, who had properly placed her chin on the chinrest. “Ready?”

Scarlet: Jam Buddies time!

MrSing: Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.

Crazy56U: Here, got it cued up.

The pegasus hesitated for a moment, suddenly becoming nervous. Sure, she would just be performing in front of her friends again, and Discord for the very first time, but what if she forgot the notes to something? What if she just froze entirely? What if her friends didn’t like the way she played?

SC276: Together now: What if my beard were made of green spinach?

Scarlet: Then my mobile fortress would proudly wear it and become the defender of all things delicious and green!

Crazy56U: When in doubt, Fluttershy, just pull a Pete Townshend and smash the violin at the end.

She looked over to all of her friends who were looking directly at the two of them. They all gave her encouraging smiles and gestures for her to go on ahead and play something.

MrSing: A few of them were drawing their hoofs across their necks.

Crazy56U: Pinkie was not so subtly mouthing the words “You’re gonna blow it.”

It wasn’t until she looked over to the draconequus on the far right. No words came out of his mouth but a gentle smile and a wink from the eye.

SC276: This Discord is not nearly Discord enough.

Scarlet: John DeLancie was unavailable as a consultant.

Crazy56U: Instead, they got the guy who played Q’s son in “Q2”.

A scarlet color

SC276: Oh hey Scarlet look, it’s you!

Scarlet: Huh. What am I doing here?

MrSing: Not the real Scarlet, but an incredible simulation.

Crazy56U: Dude, I think Scarlet should sue for copyright infringement, they’re using her image without consent...

took over her face as she smiled.

Scarlet: OH GOD I TOOK OVER FLUTTERSHY’S FACE I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW.

Crazy56U: ...then stop doing that.

Feeling a slight boost of confidence, she nodded her head to the grey mare, implying that she was ready.

Scarlet: Back! Back, Celesticord shippers! I am in no way connected to this! It wasn’t me!

Crazy56U: Scarlet’s lying! ATTACK!

Octavia began to move her bow across the strings of her instrument. A low, haunting melody taking over the park as she continued to play.

MrSing: Spooky.

Crazy56U: Anyway, here’s more Wonderwall.

The haunting melody soon took a different turn once Fluttershy began to move her bow across the strings of her violin.

SC276: I forgot, is she using her wing, or…?

Scarlet: I choose to believe that this jam session abruptly turns into “Come On Eileen”.

Crazy56U: My hope is for “Jordan”.

Just from the first couple of the notes that she had played on her instrument, each and every one of her friends were stunned at how indeed of a natural she was. The two string instruments combined had made a sort of an elegant tone. A very elegant, beautiful piece of composition that they had ever heard.

SC276: I don’t think that sentence is as complete as you think it is, author.

MrSing: Had more grammar problem than riffer often read.

Crazy56U: This is reading like the prose of a bad novelization...

Discord had to be the most impressed out of everypony.

Scarlet: Literally, he had to be. It was in his contract.

MrSing: And he wasn’t even a pony.

Crazy56U: ...technically, he’s part pony...

He knew that Fluttershy had many talents: communicating with animals, knitting, and he couldn’t forget about her lovely singing voice.

Scarlet: Or bear massage! Let’s not forget bear massage!

Crazy56U: And her being part-vampire pony; I highly doubt Twilight actually fixed that...

But now witnessing the one pony that he absolutely adored play possibly one of the most beautiful instruments he had ever heard was just breathtaking.

SC276: Hasn’t he turned someone else’s hat into an orange yet?

Scarlet: Yep. *tosses an orange peel on the ground* Fourth-wall breaking son of a bitch.

MrSing: Discord has turned into a boring drooling shell of his former self. Love claims yet another victim.

Bucephalus: Are you sure love is to blame here?

Crazy56U: (picks up orange peel) ...Crazy’s eating like a king, tonight...

Listening to both her and the British mare play music together was so soothing that he felt as if he could escape from whatever was troubling him in an instant.

Scarlet: As Saul is to David, so Discord is to Fluttershy? Does this mean we get a sequel where he goes mad, believes she’s about to usurp his kingdom, and chases her into a cave?

MrSing: Pardon?

Scarlet: ...Look, I spent a lot of time reading the book of Second Samuel while I was a kid.

Crazy56U: ...I don’t know what you guys are talking about, so I’m just gonna nod and smile as if I do know. (nods and smiles)

The more he listened closely to the two ponies play, the more he thought that this sort of music fit them both. It was calming, beautiful and it was…. what was the word he was looking for?

Ah, yes. Elegant. Quite elegant, indeed.

SC276: Also boring. At least the last one was stupid, this is just… there.

Crazy56U: It’s essentially the rough draft of “Make New Friends But Keep Discord” had Natasha Levinger not been paid enough to bother.

Author's Note:

Yay!!!

MrSing: Calm down!!!

Crazy56U: STOP YELLING, AUTHOR, JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!!

New one-shot!!! I hope you guys enjoyed this. I honestly had NO idea how this came about. I was just thinking and then a random thought popped into my head. The thought being: "I wonder if Fluttershy could play the violin."

Scarlet: Here, let me help you deal with that thought. *holds up an ice-cream scoop*

Crazy56U: (pulls out a brick) This is more direct, use it instead.

Topher: *pulls an inordinate number of weapons from his pockets* Allow me, Gents.

See, I don't know!!! It just popped into my head for some reason. And to be honest, I think the violin would actually suit Best Pony very well,

Scarlet: I dunno, I always saw Twilight as more of a guitar- oh wait.

Bucephalus: Oh. Pinkie was really OOC for this fic.

Crazy56U: Again, accordion, fuck you.

and I can also see her becoming friends with Octavia as well, after all, they're both pretty elegant.

SC276: And yet Octavia’s roommate is actually somehow Vinyl Scratch. Now that would be fun to see.

MrSing: Her raves are very classy.

Crazy56U: And they’re both... ponies... ... (shrug)

Anyway, please like, favorite, and LEAVE A REVIEW!!!!!

RingmasterJ5: Next up is probably the longest fic here at 5K words compared to the other fics’ 1K, “For the Study of Parasprites” by Zoltanthemagnificent.

Scarlet: Immediate points for username!

SC276: Hoo boy, longer one...

Crazy56U: Oh, goody. Parasprites. (quietly pulls out can of bug spray)

There once was a pony who was struggling in a harsh and unforgiving world.

Scarlet: [Pony] “Nobody will ever understand my obsession with Japanese animes!”

MrSing: His mom didn’t understand that he was too busy to clean his room.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, cue the Linkin Park.

This pony had an unusual hobby: while other ponies collected medals and and photographs of unique places they’ve visited, this pony collected parasprites.

Scarlet: To be fair, he’s now less weird than I just imagined.

Crazy56U: Funny, to me, he’s even weirder.

Everytime he would trip on a parasprite, he would pick it up, bring it to his house, place it in a bottle, and put it on a shelf.

Scarlet: Um… wait what? Aren’t they super uncommon and terrifying in swarms?

SC276: Who is this, Link?

MrSing: That habit is pretty jarring.

Crazy56U: ...does he at least poke holes in the lids so they can breathe, or does he let them die and keep the corpses. I wanna know what level of “creepy” this guy is at...

Over the course of his life, he had collected a lot of them and the room he was storing them in was getting crowded. The pony felt smaller and smaller as his collection grew bigger and bigger.

Scarlet: Eventually he negated his own existence.

MrSing: Next time on “Hoarders”.

Crazy56U: Calling this now: “Go Eat Worms: Parasprite Edition”.

It wasn’t unheard of, to collect parasprites.

SC276: I’m pretty sure it’s distinctly less common than just “unheard of,” author.

Crazy56U: ...no, no I’m pretty sure it is unheard of, given the last time the parasprites were in the show, they almost ate an entire town.

But usually ponies threw them out after the insects started to gather dust.

Scarlet: bwah?

MrSing: I suddenly have multiple questions that all need answering.

Bucephalus: So they toss out the insects when the insects start their own collections?

Crazy56U: So, he is keeping corpses. AHAH!

Ponies would regain continue on with their lives and forget that they ever owned a parasprite, until they encountered one again.

Scarlet: The equivalent of a Furby, really.

Crazy56U: Harsh, much? Parasprites aren’t nearly as demonic...

This pony wanted to know everything there was to know about parasprites, so he would study them when he stepped outside his house.

SC276: This is sounding like a very poorly thought-out folktale.

MrSing: “My, grandma, what dusty parasprites you have.”

Crazy56U: “This parasprite is too big! This parasprite is too small! This one is just right.”

Bucephalus: Parasprite, oh Parasprite, come eat my hair.

There were different varieties and some of them could blend in their environment almost perfectly until somepony would trip on them.

SC276: They’re parasprites, author, not Geodudes.

Crazy56U: I highly doubt the flying multicolored balls of annoyance are capable of camouflage.

He, however, didn’t want to be affected by parasprites’ silly tricks.

MrSing: “Haha! You crushed my head, you idiot.”

Crazy56U: “So, he would always bring a can of bug spray to teach them a lesson.”

Knowing parasprites in and out would grant him the power of walking on the world without tripping or stepping on one’s cute little head.

Scarlet: The ultimate power- the ability to move around without looking like a total dork!

Crazy56U: ...so, you’ve mastered the ability of looking down?

His collection was a very special one. It consisted of several unique parasprites showcased on the shelves in his room. After he puts a critter on a shelf, he would not catch another of it’s kind.

SC276: Like me when I play Pokémon.

Scarlet: He’s going for 100% Paradex completion? You fool! It’s impossible without Wonder Trade in this generation!

Crazy56U: When is he going to stumble across a glitch Parasprite? That might salvage this...

As long as they were unique, they intrigued him. In hopes of studying them further, he collected as many different kinds of them as he could find.

Scarlet: ~These parasprites to understand, the power that’s insiiiiide!~

Crazy56U: “Unfortunately, Home Depot banned him for ‘excessive jar purchasing’, so it had gotten a tad more difficult.”

His room wasn’t big enough to accommodate several copies of his collection, unfortunately.

Crazy56U: Wait, several copies of your collection? ...dude, you only need one

collection, the fuck is wrong with you?!

RJ: Resale value man, resale value.

The amount of parasprites he had collected became pretty unnerving to the pony,

SC276: Just him?

Scarlet: To be fair, it’s probably more normal than the collection I keep pulling organs out of.

MrSing: But if you ever need a thousand dusty insects, he’s your guy.

Crazy56U: ...well, of course it would.

but he didn’t know how to part with them. If he lost just one of them, how would he know if the next parasprite he would find would be a unique one or not?

Scarlet: The shiny hunt continues.

MrSing: He was only allowed to have three memories in total.

Scarlet: *resists reflexive Stone Ocean squee*

Crazy56U: Okay, someone clearly needs to hold an Intervention...

He had to keep all of his collection close to him, so he would have something to compare it to when he met a potential parasprite in the world

SC276: He would carry all the parasprites in a pot on his back…

Crazy56U: All he had to do was invent the shrink ray, and he could have his collection with him always…

RJ: Okay, if he starts going “my preccccioussss…” I’m out.

If he were to throw a parasprite out soon after he had collected it, then in the course of his life he could be collecting one single parasprite over and over again, not knowing that he came in contact with it many times before.

SC276: Yeah, this is folktale language. I’ve read enough Japanese fairy tales to recognize it.

MrSing: Japan invented fanfiction? Those bastards!

Crazy56U: Hmm… (pulls out a calculator; does some math) ...yep, just as I thought. (chucks the calculator) That “logic” made no goddamn sense...

Throwing out parasprites and forgetting about them could be tragic indeed.

Crazy56U: Well, to the insane, it would... ...so, yeah, I can see that upsetting him...

The pony didn’t want to stroll down that path of ignorance; he was willing to do anything to avoid it.

MrSing: Keeping a photographic journal was cheating though.

Crazy56U: Calling it now: he dropped out of school to do his parasprite thing.

Thus he decided to study them long and hard, looking at them from different angles over and over again until he could understand them thoroughly.

SC276: Though I don’t quite remember them being this freakin’ repetitive.

Scarlet: Please tell me this pony’s name is “Oak” something.

Crazy56U: Okay, the more Pokemon parallels there are, the more I’m convinced the author is venting their addictions through dumb fanfiction.

Bucephalus: Don’t be too harsh. Crappy fanfiction is the first step to recovery. And the worst.

Perhaps, if he only collected unique parasprites, like he first planned to, he would still have room to spare. But that wasn’t an option anymore.

MrSing: You gotta have spares in case of a parasprite shortage.

Crazy56U: Which is ironic, given that he’s more than likely going to cause the shortage.

The parasprites were of so many kinds that he failed to remember each of the unique items of his collection.

SC276: This is why databases exist.

Crazy56U: Yeah, but I doubt he’s smart enough to use Microsoft Excel. ...let alone a computer...

He still managed to stumble on some parasprites.

Crazy56U: Huh, guess you haven’t mastered looking down...

He only recognised them after he had already tripped on them and fallen to the ground.

Scarlet: Well, you were walking in the tall grass! What else did you expect?

SC276: How do you keep tripping on a flying insect? That’s like one step of embarrassment lower than tripping on thin air!

MrSing: It keeps happening.

Crazy56U: I told you about parasprites bro! I told ya dog!

It wasn’t always the pony’s memory that was at fault. Sometimes he just didn’t think enough to recognise the parasprite.

MrSing: Sometimes he was just drunk.

Crazy56U: Sometimes the pot got to him.

Either he had forgotten that he’s already been acquainted with parasprite of this type, or he just wasn’t thinking enough before picking up the new parasprite in his hooves.

Scarlet: “I shall call you ‘shmoopsie-poo.’ I have the strangest feeling I’ve named you this before!”

SC276: Hasn’t this guy ever run a check on his collection to make sure he doesn’t have duplicates? Or keep any sorting system whatsoever?

Scarlet: Well he tried, but he kept tripping over parasprites.

Crazy56U: He has an addiction now, I don’t think he cares about duplicates.

The Pony knew this and tried to counter it.

Scarlet: Sadly he blocked high when it went with the ground combo.

Crazy56U: He lost a fight to a bug. Oh my God.

Bucephalus: Except Parasprites use special attacks, so Counter failed.

He spent more and more time with his collection, studying every item over and over again. When he would go outside he would keep his collection in mind at all time scouring his surroundings and comparing every item in the real world to the items of his collections.

Scarlet: Huh. He really did decide to use Wonder Trade!

Crazy56U: Listen, I’m pretty sure you have ponies in your life that somewhat care about you, just get some help, you are hurting others with your bug fetish.

From time to time, despite his dedication being at its fullest, he still managed to trip on a parasprite that wasn’t unique.

SC276: That happens when you get close to 100% completion on trophies obtained only from a slot machine.

Crazy56U: And then you bust out Action Replay.

He wanted to be even more dedicated, but he was already past his limits. This maximum dedication was wearing him down.

Scarlet: Don’t go full otaku. You never go full otaku.

SC276: I most certainly do not feel filled with determination right now.

Crazy56U: Oh thank God, he’s suffering from burnout...

Pony knew that he is special.

SC276: Confucius says… do not change tenses.

Scarlet: I thought he said that the relationship between the people and the state should be modeled in the relationship between father and son?

SC276: That, and do not change tenses.

Crazy56U: Dear God, don’t say his name is actually Pony…

Bucephalus: His name is in the description on Fimfiction. Except we’re halfway through and we think his name is Pony.

Crazy56U: Yeah, uh huh, like I’m really going to look up the story on Fimfiction...

He wouldn’t let some drowsiness stand in his way so he stepped it up a notch.

SC276: He’s already beyond his limits and yet he’s trying harder?

MrSing: He gives it the good ol’ athletes 110%.

Crazy56U: Just go the fuck to sleep!

He started taking every single one of the parasprites he found, even if it wasn’t unique; for having just one was not enough.

Scarlet: Gotta use up those repeat balls somehow!

Bucephalus: Do they not support selling items back in this universe?

MrSing: This is not what pokemon meant with “catch them all”. Ash didn’t die for this.

Crazy56U: The parasprite population will be borderline nonexistent within the week.

Collecting more of the same kind of parasprites took up even more of his room and because of that he had an easier time remembering them.

Scarlet: Critical logic failure. Aborting sentence.

Crazy56U: The sleep deprivation is really kicking his ass now...

It was his goal to become an expert in parasprites. He wanted to spot them long before he would trip on them in the world.

SC276: Maybe, y’know, look at the ground every so often.

Bucephalus: Or see an eye doctor.

MrSing: What sick individual keeps throwing those things everywhere? You’re killing the planet!

Crazy56U: The longer this goes on, the more I feel my own life slipping away.

But the pony had a problem:

MrSing: I find that hard to believe.

Crazy56U: Let me guess, it’s not the actual problem he has?

He wasn’t good enough.

Crazy56U: (deep sigh)

He wasn’t an overpowered alicorn of legends. He was a mere earth pony with limits both in body and mind.

Scarlet: Truly, only an alicorn is OP enough to be the Pokemon Master.

Crazy56U: Well, at least the author has some restraint. Some.

He wanted to overcome his limitations, so he spend a lot of his time in his room with his collection. Contemplating each and every one of his parasprites. Over and over again.

SC276: The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.

MrSing: Like that one time I repeated third grade five times.

Crazy56U: Aw, fuck this, I’m skipping ahead to a more interesting bit.

Bucephalus: Has anyone ever hunted a legendary and kept throwing pokeballs at it over and over again? Fairly certain that qualifies us as insane as well.

Collection grew bigger, but it was still manageable.

SC276: Make my monster grow!

By emptying the shelf of his other obsessions, there was just enough space for all the parasprites to cramp up on his shelves.

Scarlet: [Pony] “Farewell, my precious Gunpla…”

MrSing: This house ain’t big enough for two obsessions.

His collection was never meant to be permanent. He only wanted to keep the critters until he would learn the magical nature that would allow him to avoid any non unique parasprite in the world.

SC276: what

Scarlet: Spatial awareness is magic now. Okay then!

If he achieved that level of expertise, he wouldn’t need his collection anymore. He would be able to recognise and counter the parasprites by their magical properties alone.

SC276: If this turns into the origin of the “pied oompah,” I demand a refund.

Scarlet: We don’t pay to do this, though.

SC276: And I still want a refund.

Bucephalus: This feels wrong. How much time does one spend on freaking insects? I'm done.

MrSing: Just carry a flamethrower around like the rest of us you pansy.

His friends told him that what he was doing was not earth pony like.

MrSing: Das racist. Why can’t an earth pony ruin his life collecting insects without everyone playing the “earth” card?

“There’s nothing wrong with an earth pony not knowing the use of magic” they said. “It was a part of the universe earth ponies weren’t designed to know.”

Scarlet: And this went in a completely different direction than I was expecting.

MrSing: “Now forget about magic and go back to growing apple trees in two days.”

The thought of not knowing terrified the pony. He wanted to be more than just an earth pony.

Scarlet: ~I wanna be the very best! Like no one ever was!~

MrSing: He wanted to be a stone pony.

Many of his friends had parasprites laying on their doorsteps.

MrSing: That’s it. I’m calling pest control to nuke Equestria. They’re a lost cause.

They would trip on them every time they stepped out, but they would just catch their balance and kept on walking; they don’t even realise that it was a parasprite they tripped on. He did not want to be like that.

MrSing: Like all those disgusting ponies with their functional inner ears. Yuck!

Why trip on something you can avoid or even counter.

Scarlet: This pony has serious issues with tripping.

SC276: Are we talking about the all-eating pests or cats?

Bucephalus: Have you seen the way cats act in this universe? Cats=Parasprites and vice versa.

MrSing: So this guy is a crazy cat lady? That makes way too much sense.

Even if the pony wanted to listen to his friends, it wouldn’t have worked. He did not have that good sense of balance as his friends had. When he tripped on a parasprite he would often lose his balance and fall down, and he didn’t like falling down.

Scarlet: We get it. He doesn’t like it. One might say he has a… bad trip.

MrSing: His least favorite season is fall.

The pony’s room had a limited space. It was getting harder and harder to live in the room with all of the parasprites hanging around.

MrSing: And they didn’t even pay rent!

The shelves were so cramped with them, that at nights some would fall off and keep the pony awake. The pony knew he had a serious problem on his hooves, and he needed to fix that.

SC276: We knew that like a hundred paragraphs ago.

Scarlet: oh my god I’m shocked the aesop is turning into an aesop!

Bucephalus: If he’s out of space, wouldn’t he be tripping on that anyway?

Even if the pony decided to get rid of only some parasprites from his shelves, how would he decide which one would to throw out?

SC276: Which one would the author to shut up.

MrSing: The parasprites are a metaphor for making mistakes in your grammar. The mistakes in the grammar are a metaphor for bad writing.

There were groups of the same kinds of parasprites, but each one of them represented its own group.

MrSing: So they are hipsters?

Each one of them had as much right to be in the collection as the rest of them.

He wanted to stop collecting new ones. He wanted to throw away his whole collection. It was a bad collection to begin with, but at that point it was already too late. He was already broken.

Scarlet: The fate of all obsessive nerds.

SC276: Find a hobby shop to buy them all. That’s what my bro did to get out of Yu-Gi-Oh.

Bucephalus: Or dump them on your neighbors. That’s what my brother did.

MrSing: Or set them on fire in your school. That’s what I- that’s what my brother did.

Scarlet: I’ve still got mine!

In dealing with magical parasprites, he acquired a magic of his own, despite being just an earth pony. His hooves became so used to dealing with parasprites that they became sticky, which allowed him to handle parasprites with more care.

Scarlet: The magical power of adhesive tape?

SC276: Powerpuff Girl Fingers LV2.

Bucephalus: No offense, but that sounds like the most useless magic ever. Even this is more useful.

MrSing: This “magic” sounds an awful lot like poor hygiene.

It wasn’t a gift, though, it was a curse. Parasprites would stick to him outside and he could only take them off by adding them to his collection.

Scarlet: because-

MrSing: Scarlet was sadly shot before they could type out the perfectly valid reason.

Scarlet: *waves weakly from the floor*

And there was another problem: He couldn’t throw out the big parasprites, they wouldn’t fit through the door.

MrSing: Life hack: your landlord can’t kick you out if you’re too fat to fit through the door.

They had became bigger than they were at the time he collected them. It was another one of their magical properties. The more they were observed, the more there was to observe.

Scarlet: This is going to be a metaphor for trading card game collections isn’t it?

SC276: It better, because otherwise I’ve completely lost track of what’s even going on.

If he only got rid of smaller ones, there would still be some space for him left in his room. Even if he wouldn’t be able to recognise those parasprites he wouldn’t fall down after tripping on them. He should have enough balance for that.

Scarlet: What the hell is with this tripping on parasprites thing? Was that a normal occurrence ever?

They were a mere annoyance and not of a big importance to anyone.

He had admitted that he has unsurpassable limitations as an earth pony and recognised that he will never be a parasprite master.

SC276: By which he means he can’t move into a bigger house. Or is becoming a crazy cat lady.

Scarlet: Wait did the story just incorporate our pokemon riffs on purpose?

MrSing: He was merely a parasprite bachelor.

This realization, however, came too late.

SC276: And then there was trouble.

Scarlet: Make it double- I mean, wait, were we doing the bit? I can’t tell if we’re doing the bit!

SC276: I was referencing Thomas the Tank Engine, we’re not doing the bit!

Scarlet: But I like the bit...

SC276: We can do it next time!

Scarlet: Promise?

SC276: Promise.

Scarlet: Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!

Getting rid of the smaller parasprites wasn’t a valid option any more. His collection gained a collective mind.

MrSing: The secret origins of the Overmind revealed.

When he would separate a parasprite, he would later find that it has returned on its own.

SC276: Like a swarm of bees in cartoons.

There was no getting rid of them, and that wasn’t the only problem he had.

Scarlet: He was also tripping on them!

His hooves soon started to attract new parasprites from the outside world. It wasn’t even just parasprites on his doorstep. Parasprites from entire continents were attracted to his hooves.

SC276: This is now making even less freakin’ sense.

MrSing: If they give him an electric suit he’ll become the ultimate bug zapper.

More and more would get stuck on him and they would hold on to him until he came into his room, where they would separate from him and join the collection.

Scarlet: And now we’re getting out of potential metaphor territory and into “Rejected Junji Ito comic” territory.

MrSing: Good thing he made that comic about cute cats instead.

He became a master at collecting parasprites,

MrSing: Hold the fic! Scroll back a bit... “He had admitted that he has unsurpassable limitations as an earth pony and recognised that he will never be a parasprite master.” When will these insipid lies end!?

but he was not much better at knowing about them than any other earth pony.

Scarlet: “Like those scrubs who spend hundreds building a deck for Standard but who never even place at their locals.”

SC276: How does that even freakin’ work?

The pony lost his smile. His blue mane became gray. His lime coat started to fall out in tufts.

SC276: Oh sure, now we get a description.

MrSing: Looks like he’s got a bad case of the old age. We’d better stay away, I heard it’s contagious.

He didn’t know what to do next. He still felt that what he was doing wasn’t bad in itself, he just wasn’t equipped to handle the task of this magnitude. He was just a mere earth pony.

Scarlet: Author, the fuck do you have against earth ponies?

SC276: You're literally turning into a parasprite magnet, I’m pretty sure being an Earth pony isn’t the main concern here!

The situation was out of control and he knew it. The nights became sleepless as the sound of parasprites falling of the shelves would not let him rest.

Scarlet: Not quite rats in the walls, but we’re getting somewhere.

SC276: Are they just flying into the jars when they join the collection or something?!

He had started with the goal of getting rid of parasprites in the world and achieved the opposite.

Scarlet: The hell did that come from? He just wanted to stop tripping before!

SC276: I… don’t think that was the actual goal you started with. If you had… any goal you started with.

MrSing: Don’t you just hate it when a genocide turns around on you like that?

He tried to avoid the worst by distancing himself from the world. Some parasprites could indeed be avoided this way as they would pass him by without sticking to him, but not all of them were like that.

Scarlet: And apparently he was only magnetic to specific parasprites, which is such an awkward curse.

The ocean of parasprites was still on the rise; the tide was coming and there was no stopping it.

Days passed and the pony found himself lying on his bed. His head drifted just above the surface of the fuzzy sea.

MrSing: “You know, this is actually kinda comfy.”

His body bruised by falling parasprites, his mind drifted away. It was the beginning of the end.

SC276: Does that mean we can finish the fic soon?

In all the chaos, a distinct knock on the door sounded through the room that pony resided in.

MrSing: “Open up, it’s time for the yearly parasprite tax collection.”

The pony shoved his way through the parasprites and opened the door. A small dragon stood before him on the welcome mat.

Scarlet: Spike, no, not right now! Isn’t there a Dave Polsky episode you can go be in?
Crazy56U: Hello, what’s this?

The pony was losing his sanity, so he was to tired to think. He didn’t care who the dragon was or what he was doing at his doorstep, he just left the door open and returned to his bed to mope.

MrSing: “But sir, don’t you want to hear the good news about the Kingdom?”

Crazy56U: ...dude, the fuck. You don’t leave your door open for random strangers!

The dragon took that as invitation and let himself in.

Crazy56U: You see?! This is what happens!

He shut the door behind him.

“Quite a collection you have here!” said the dragon.

Scarlet: I sense nothing sinister about to potentially happen in any way.

Crazy56U: Please say the dragon kills him...

“Yeah, wish I could get rid of it.” the pony said.

“You know, there is a way for you to organise your collection in a way that will take way less space.”

MrSing: Wait a minute. This was all set-up for an infomercial? Those fiends!

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “It’s called ‘fire’!”

“There is?”

“Yes, that’s why I’m here. Your failed attempts at using magic called me.”

MrSing: “Now you must enter this captcha test to prove that you’re not a robot.”

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, there was magic? ...guess I shouldn’t have skipped ahead, then. OH WELL!

The dragon said

“How did you find out about that?”

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “By doing a technique called ‘Skipping ahead in the script’.”

Bucephalus: [Dragon] “This is contrived enough as-is. Don’t make me question my motive or origin any more than I have to.”

“I’ve been in your neighborhood for a while now. However, in your obsession, you failed to even notice me.

MrSing: “It’s really impolite to ignore your stalker this much, you know.”

Crazy56U: Well, he did spend the 5% of his life not dedicated to parasprites looking at the ground to avoid tripping on parasprites.

I, however, have noticed you. Your fixation with little problems intrigued me... and others. So I came to offer my talents.”

“And those would be?”

“Organization, and I happen to be the best organizer around.”

SC276: oh my fucking god what is this origins of Twilight Sparkle’s OCD

MrSing: Surprise! Twilight was a parasprite all this time. That’s why she has wings now.

Crazy56U: If only that were the case. Then the outrage over her getting wings would’ve been funnier...

“I would like things to get better, but... I’m so tired.” Pony sighed.

Crazy56U: Okay, someone who kept reading after I skipped ahead: at any point did he actually go to bed before now?

SC276:

“Don’t you fret. I’ll handle everything for you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Let me give you an example. See this parasprite here.” He snached a parasprite from the collection with his claws.

“What about it.”

“It’s not even a parasprite, it’s only a parasprite-wanna-be.”

Scarlet: “It says ‘Digimon’ on the back! Your mom probably got this for you when you were five and you forgot to throw it out!”

MrSing: It’s nothing but a hound dog.

Crazy56U: Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend.

“It’s a solid parasprite! I know, because I remember tripping over it!”

“But you see, you couldn’t have prevented tripping over it. When your friend tripped on the parasprite at his doorstep, it produced an offspring.

MrSing: It reproduces by getting killed? How do you fight an enemy like this?

Crazy56U: By not killing it. Reverse Psychology is its greatest weakness.

Those are called parasprite-wanna-be’s as they aren’t original in their lineage, and this is that kind of creature”

Scarlet: That… doesn’t entirely make… wait, when did this turn into Mushi-shi?

SC276: How does a parasprite produce not-parasprites?

Bucephalus: I’ll assume that it sorts of like a mule. As parasprites produce asexually, they children are produced as clones. However, we’ve got different colors from each offspring, so mutations occur fairly often. That means that when a parasprites ability to reproduce gets mutated in reproduction, the children are sterile, like a mule. DID I SERIOUSLY JUST WASTE A FEW MINUTES OF MY LIFE THINKING ABOUT THAT? Please shoot me.

MrSing: Haha! The fic tricked you into thinking.

Crazy56U: Don’t fall for its tricks!!!

Bucephalus: *cries softly* But I like thinking.

“How do you know all this?” The pony looked at the dragon.

He had the pony’s journal in one claw and the parasprite-wanna-be in the other.

“You wrote everything down in your life’s journal.

SC276: And now we’re back to Gravity Falls.

Crazy56U: ...so, does that mean the world’s going to end?

Every memory you have, I can access it at will; it’s just another of my... special talents.”

SC276: By which he means he pulled it out of the author’s ass. Dragons are not Japanese gods appearing in dreams, author.

MrSing: “Also, I had to delete some childhood memories to get here.”

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “I can also shit gold, trust me, I’m not making this up.”

The purple dragon smirked as he looked around the shelves.” By analysing the parasprites in a logical way, I can separate the parasprites from the parasprite-wanna-bes.”

Scarlet: Well, I can only foresee good things coming from this.

MrSing: Some parasprites just don’t have the “X-Factor”.

Crazy56U: TV show reference or comic book reference?

“That sounds... complicated.”

“It is, but I can handle it.” the dragon smiled as he put down the journal and picked up the parasprite the pony had collected from his neighbour’s doorstep. He pressed both creatures in his claws and rubbed them on their special spots with his claws.

SC276: Stranger danger, stranger danger!

MrSing: No! We want less parasprites. Not more!

Crazy56U: (pulls out more cans of bug spray) Don’t worry, I got it covered...

The parasprite-wanna-be merged into it’s forebear.

Pony gasped as he had never seen such a thing before. An item of his collection, even if it was just a parasprite-wanna-be, disappearing into another. It was something he had wished for, but could never find a way to accomplish.

Scarlet: Now he knew the secret to Parasprite Fusion!

MrSing: This fusion dance stinks.

Crazy56U: Fusion is just a cheap tactic to make weak parasprites stronger.

The dragon put the original parasprite back on its shelf

Closing his gaping mouth as he sighed, the pony shook his head and waved his hoof in dragon’s direction.

MrSing: Now this is a fusion dance I can get behind.

Crazy56U: Needs more dancing.

“Even if you could distinguish parasprites from parasprites-wanna-bes, I’m sure there are still a lot of parasprites that are the real deal.”

“That is true, but I have a solution to that as well.

MrSing: There is this new fantastic invention called “the trashcan”. Maybe you’ve heard of it before?

Crazy56U: I thought trashcans were a myth.

If you let me analyse them. I can reconcile each and every one of these parasprites. I can also encase you in a thick protective armor that will prevent any parasprite from getting to you. You will never trip over a parasprite again in your life.

Scarlet: Please tell me the dragon is Satan.

SC276: How does armor stop you from tripping?

Bucephalus: Probably makes you so heavy that you can’t even walk.

MrSing:

Who needs to worry about parasprites when you look this awesome?

Crazy56U: The only way the picture would be more awesome is if the hamster somehow could wield a sword.

“How is that even possible?”

SC276: That’s what I was wondering!

Crazy56U: Question of the day.

The dragon put his claws around his back,“It’s about the way you walk on this world. If we fix that, then no parasprites will be able to harm you.”

Scarlet: They were harming him before?

Bucephalus: Tripping is the number one source of insanity in Equestria.

MrSing: The aesop was about good posture this entire time? Bold move, fic.

Crazy56U: He needs to learn how to walk this way.

“How can I walk differently? I didn’t know there were different kinds of walking. I just walk when I want to walk.”

“Your way of walking is filled with hopes and aspirations.

MrSing: Psh. What a loser.

Crazy56U: Dork.

When you walk you look up to the sky:That is what your problem is.”

“But those hopes and aspirations make me who I am.”

“And how has that worked out for you so far?”

The pony bowed his head. “Not that well.”

Scarlet: “There, y’see? Dreams are the problem. You should just die in despair!”

SC276: Super Mysterious-Mentor Level Despair.

MrSing: Maybe he should take up riffing. That kills any hope pretty quickly.

Crazy56U: It can even destroy your soul and sanity, which I can attest too.

“They are the reason why you are miserable. I can free you of that misery, but you will have to give in and trust me all the way.”

SC276: You’re going to extort him just for telling him to look down every once in awhile.

Crazy56U: This is getting shady as fuck.

The dragon adjusted a clover symbol with the number ‘7’ on his scales

MrSing: Don’t ask how the button stays on even though he’s not wearing a shirt. Trust me.

Crazy56U: “that literally just appeared on his chest, akin to black magic.”

“Give in?”

“Even without all the parasprites, there wouldn’t be enough room for me to operate. Not with you that is.”

Scarlet: Oh this can only end well.

MrSing: Is he calling him fat?

Crazy56U: Either that, or a waste of space.

“But where would I go?”

“I’ve set up a place just for you.”

MrSing: Once again, the trashcan. Incredible invention.

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “It’s called ‘Hell’.”

The dragon walked around the room, his slitted eyes scanning the area

“What is it?”

“You don’t like yourself and you don’t like the harsh world outside. Does it really matter what this new place is?”

Scarlet: It’s hell, it’s hell, it’s totally hell oh my god this is going to go so many narmy places.

MrSing: And the dragon’s name is actually “Natas Nomed Lived”. It’s German.

Crazy56U: [insert previous riff here]

“I don’t know. Will it make me happy?”The pony asked with a smile

“Again with the hopes and aspirations! I will keep you away from things that make you miserable, and I will grant you moments of pleasure in times of my choosing.”

Scarlet: “I shall snuggle you, take you for walkies, and call you George!”

SC276: I’ve lost track of where this is going now.

Crazy56U: [insert previous riff here]

“I don’t know. This all feels wrong somehow.” The pony shivered

“Suit yourself.” The dragon grabbed the door handle.

“Wait! don’t leave me alone with my parasprites. I can’t take it anymore.” The pony cried,” Are you sure you can make them go away?”

Scarlet: Faustian bargain, go!

Crazy56U: Again, this can be easily solved with fire.

“I can protect you from them, but only if you let me do it my way.” The dragon turned his head and frowned.

SC276: Let me work in my own way, and all will be right in your palace again.

Crazy56U: Still shady as fuck...

”Fine! If you can make it all stop than that’s good enough for me. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore!” The pony shouted,” I will take your offer.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with all this, Diptera?

SC276: Oh sure he has a name now!

MrSing: Wow, imagine your parents hating you this much.

Crazy56U: ...yeah, no, Pony is a less stupid name, I’m calling him that from now on.

If you struck a deal with me, there won’t be any turning back. I’ll be rearranging everything.” The dragon waved his claw around.

Scarlet: Last opportunity to avoid a bad end, bro! Take it!

SC276: This guy is sounding more and more like Bill Cipher, but without the personality.

Crazy56U: ...so, the world is going to end!

“I don’t know, but I also don’t care! I don’t care about anything anymore. I’m just so tired. I-I can’t go on like this! You say, you’ll take care of everything?”

“Yes, I’ll take care of everything. You included.” The dragon said with a chuckle.

SC276: This is actually sounding way too close to one of my friends to be comfortable.

Crazy56U: “And then the dragon pulled out a knife.”

“Okay, show me to my new place.”

Scarlet: Pssh, what is it, a coffin?

Crazy56U: Or an open grave.

The dragon led the pony out of the house to the backyard. There was a rectangle hole in the middle of it. A pile of dirt laid beside it. There was a narrow metal shaft leading from the side of the hole.

SC276: ...a metal shaft? Really?

MrSing: Can you dig it?

Crazy56U: (dead eyed glare)

“How come I hadn’t noticed this hole before?” Asked the pony.

“You haven’t been noticing much of anything lately. You’ve been... broken.” The dragon looked to his side.

Scarlet: Wow, this really is a Junji Ito comic.

MrSing: This shaft... it was made for me…

Crazy56U: This just got creepy.

The pony stepped closer and saw an empty opened casket at the bottom of the hole.

Scarlet: Holy shit, it really is!

SC276: Spirit, whose lonely grave is this?

MrSing:

Crazy56U:

He turned to the dragon. “You want to take over my entire life? You want to destroy me?”

“Oh, no!” The dragon grinned,”That’s not part of the plan.” he pushed the pony down the hole.

SC276: Why yours, Ebenezer, the richest man in the cemetery!

MrSing: He finally got what he wanted. Not tripping because of a parasprite.

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “Have a nice trip! See ya next fall!”

The casket closed shut behind him.

Scarlet: And in two turns, my D.D. Sarcophagus will return this card to my- huh, sorry, lost my train of thought.

Crazy56U: Self Closing Caskets. The future is now!

The dragon started throwing dirt on top of it.

Diptera banged his hooves on on the casket, but his attempts were useless and pathetic,”Get me out of here, you-”

The dragon filled the hole with earth and started to pound on it with his feet. “I’m sorry. little pony, but this has to happen. If I am to save your life,

MrSing: “Don’t you see? To save your life I have to dance on your grave.”

Crazy56U: “by which I mean put you out of your misery,”

they have to be buried in your suit of armor,

Crazy56U: Yeah, and- I’m sorry, what?

deep under the surface. Sadly, everything that you were, everything that you are, has to be buried with them.”

“This is not the armor I’ve envisioned! It’s a casket!” Yelled the pony.

Scarlet: “This was not the droid I was looking for!”

MrSing: “The very earth will be my armor.”

Crazy56U: WHAT ARMOR ARE YOU TWO BLATHERING ON ABOUT?!

SC276: The armor that’s supposed to keep him from tripping on parasprites. Pay attention already.

Crazy56U: Look, I can only pay attention for so long before my brain starts cramping...

The tall serpent threw seeds of grass on top of the flatten earth. “No, it’s our solution, Diptera.”

SC276: Why does the pony have a name again? I’m looking that up… “Diptera” is the biological order that flies belong in.

Crazy56U: ...oh. ... (pulls out a lighter, sets self on fire)

The years passed and the pony got used to being stuck in his prison.

SC276: I can see the intent of the author was to do a pony folktale, given he has the mythological trait of staying alive far longer than his time period and circumstances would possibly allow.

Crazy56U: I think I made a mistake coming back to this story.

He wasn't bored, as he was able to find pleasure in the small screen his new dragon friend put inside this strange casket.

Scarlet: Oh no! He’s been introduced to Netflix!

MrSing: Good thing he got the Casket Deluxe 3000.

Crazy56U: Well, that’s gotta be expensive.

The dragon wasn’t evil, at least, he would like to think that he wasn’t evil. However, his entire plan revolved around this pony being stuck in this casket. His benefactors needed the pony’s talents. However, he didn’t want to be too cruel to the pony. So whenever the pony got thirsty or hungry, the dragon would lower dishes down the shaft.

SC276: I thought he was buried, how…?

Scarlet: Folktale logic. He probably had his animal friends do it and they ended up with various characteristic traits as a result.

Bucephalus: Magic.

MrSing: Room Service.

Crazy56U: He was using the magic of plot holes.

When there was an apple season, the pony would get those. Most of them would be fine, but some of them would be rotten and some would have worms in them. The pony ate them anyway,

MrSing: Anything for proteins.

Crazy56U: He’d even eat the plates, fuck it.

he didn’t really have a choice.

Scarlet: Solitary with gross food.

Crazy56U: It was either that or eating himself, and that isn’t healthy.

The pony did try to protest about the state of his meals once

“Hopes and desires attracts parasprites and so does a wasteful life of luxury!” The dragon explained as he left the pony with his rotten food and the pony had no choice but to eat it.

SC276: Nothing about this guy’s life before was luxurious.

Crazy56U: Shhh, don’t let the dragon know that...

“I can’t work with your hopes and dreams looming around.” Dragon would tell him through the shaft. ”Cabbage is cheap and healthy. Water is free.

MrSing: Within weeks the new “casket diet” swept the land.

Crazy56U: So is breathing. Side note: how has Pony not suffocated yet?

I need bits for fixing your long term parasprite problems, so I can’t waste time and money on your whims. It would make the parasprite collection grow and I promised you that I won’t let that happen.”

SC276: Was this dragon black on his left half and white on his right or something?

Scarlet: No, but I wager he has cloven hooves.

Crazy56U: And smelled like sulfur.

The pony understood, but there were days where he just couldn’t take it. He would bang his hooves on his casket screaming to get out. But the dragon ignored his pleas. After all, he knew what was best for the pony.

SC276: Couldn’t he just take a cruise or something? What are the odds he could trip on a parasprite on a ship deck?

MrSing: Parasprites can’t get you if you’re on fire.

Crazy56U: Yet again, the solution of fire rears its ugly head...

There were days when the pony could hardly stand the loneliness in the casket. He only had dragon to talk to, but he already knew everything about him. There wasn’t much to talk about, anyway. The dragon was strangely quiet about certain subjects.

MrSing: “Every time I asked him about his fursona he would stop talking with me.”

Crazy56U: Dear God, he’s a furry on top of having a bug fetish?!

Every once in a while he would hear other voices, but he couldn’t call to them.

The pony felt safe with that dragon on his side, but it was still a lonely and empty life. If he could only feel the embrace of another pony.

SC276: Fuck, he’s getting horny.

Scarlet: Just one riff without Rye Mash breaking in, that’s all I ask!

Crazy56U: Well, maybe it’s for the best he doesn’t get that… (drinks some Diet Coke)

He liked the physical connection, but more than that, he wanted acceptance.

It didn’t even need to be support or admiration, if he could only feel another’s touch, then he would be happy.

The pony had played the game with a spouse before. It attracted a lot of parasprites to both sides.

SC276: He was married, are you kidding me, you can’t just leave out details like that even in folktales!

Scarlet: “Played the game”- what? What game? Dungeons and Dragons?

MrSing: I’ll let you know I have a high score in marriage.

Crazy56U: (finish drinking Diet Coke) I’m sorry, who would want to be married to that guy?

The common parasprites that had looked similar on both sides would prevent them from coming together for extended periods of time.

MrSing: Plot twist, the parasprites were his in-laws this entire time.

Crazy56U: ... (chokes back puke)

The longer they would hold on to each other, the bigger the common parasprites would had become.

Scarlet: So parasprite fusion results in bigger parasprites?

Crazy56U: ...well, duh, that’s how fusion works.

The parasprites that had been unique would attach to their tails and they would pull them apart. When the ponies had pulled harder, the unique parasprites had grown bigger and the force pulling the couple apart had increased.

Scarlet: Wait what? I’m lost, what?

Bucephalus: *Shoots self* There. Now it’s over. See you in the next fic

MrSing: Lucky bastard.

Crazy56U: ...so, is this why we never got word of the wife existing until now?

The ponies had tried to remove the parasprites, find a repellent of some sorts, but nothing had worked permanently. Even those that they had threw away had come back eventually. New ones had attached to the couple every day.

Scarlet: Junji Ito, just admit that you’re running out of ideas. It’s okay! We understand! We’ll always have Uzumaki!

Crazy56U: And this is why you buy bug spray, godDAMNit.

After a while, the pony would have only seen a lump of parasprites whenever he had looked at his spouse.

MrSing: We’ve all been there, right?

Crazy56U: ...ew?

The sight of it made him cringe and he had to look away. The parasprites had been pushing so hard on him that it had hurt.

There had been just one option left for getting rid of the lump of parasprites that had formed: Abandonment. He had to walk away and never look back.

SC276: ...what the actual fuck

Crazy56U: ...huh?

Lightning and thunder had accompanied the separation, but the lump had stayed behind the pony. After so long, the pony could have finally taken a breath to fill his lungs full of fresh air. No parasprites had gotten into his mouth. It had been a joyous moment for the pony. It had felt so good, that he had sworn to himself to never let go of his freedom to breathe.

SC276: I literally have no idea what’s even going on anymore. If this is supposed to be an allegory for something, it’s doing a terrible job of it.

Scarlet: It’s an allegory for a really bad drug trip.

MrSing: And then he let himself be buried alive.

Crazy56U: ...I’m sorry, I think a chunk of the story got deleted by accident, what is happening?

Whenever a potential lump of parasprites had been in pony’s sights after that, he would avoid it. If the lump had approached him, he would make up a reason to turn around. He would not let any lumps attach to him ever again. The closer the lumps have come, the more effort pony had put into getting rid of them. It had not been a hard thing to do, even though it had hurt pony a lot. It was like having an Ursa Minor on his chest, but it had still hurt less than the parasprites would had hurt him.

Scarlet: Even when Twilight zapped them to make them see non-food as food, the worst they ever caused was property damage! Are we talking parasprites or headcrabs now?

MrSing: The parasprites called him hurtful things.

Crazy56U: All I’m getting out of this now is lumps.

His strategy had kept the parasprites away, but it had never sated his longings. He had brought those with him to the casket. Along with every other yearning for closeness.

“Abandon all hope pony,”

MrSing: This is a weird take on the Divine Comedy.

Crazy56U: Dear God, I think that’s what is actually happening.

The strange dragon had told him repeatedly. “You must never feel the touch of another pony for as long as you live. Your casket will be the only place you can ever immerse yourself into. You will never be part of real world again, but you will be safe and the world will be safe from you.

Scarlet: “Filthy nerd, get off the internet!”

SC276: What is that thing anyway, the Absolutely Safe Capsule?

Crazy56U: Either that, or the Pandorica.

The parasprites will keep invading, but ponykind will survive, just as they always have. Ponies above the surface mostly survived by ignoring the parasprites

MrSing: Remember kids, if something is wrong just ignore it until it goes away.

Crazy56U: I hear that tip worked great in “Paranormal Activity 2”...

and fixing anything that the parasprites broke. You, Diptera, could never counter all the parasprites on your own. Surface ponies would only stick to what they know and not join your noble goal.

Scarlet: I’m lost, when did this turn into the first arc of Gurren Lagann?

MrSing: If that’s true than I demand bikini sniper girls and shirtless buff men.

Crazy56U: Did we switch stories and not even notice, the fuck?!

If you kept your struggle against the menace, then you would eventually lose everything. Be happy that you’re safe and forget about everything else. After all, It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

Scarlet: What does this have to do with tripping over parasprites?

MrSing: “I know you lost everything, but look on the bright side you could have lost everything and not have been buried alive.”

Crazy56U: What is even the hell, anymore? How did we go from parasprite hoarding to… whatever the fuck this is?

Pony knew that the dragon only meant good. He never got used to it, though, but he did accept it as inevitable consequence of having a dragon to do his bidding. The pony understood that it was his hopes and dreams that attracted the magical parasprites. The only place left for him in this world was deep underground, away from the parasprites roaming the surface world.

Scarlet: Please, just end the story already. We get it. There’s going to be a Twilight Zone twist. Just end it.

Crazy56U: If the author wanted to end this, they would’ve ended it with Pony falling in the coffin.

The dragon had been right so many times and the pony had been wrong so many times.

SC276: And the fic wrong much much more so.

Crazy56U: And the author even more than that.

The pony trusted the dragon more than he trusted himself. That is why the dragon was out there, living the pony’s life, while the pony was underground hiding from the parasprites.

Scarlet: It won’t end. This story will just. Not. End.

SC276: And it keeps using double spaces.

Crazy56U: You aren’t hiding from jack, you’ve been buried alive!

The dragon grew weary as he got accustomed to the pony’s room. He worked tirelessly to tidy up the place.

The neighbours didn’t notice anything strange. They didn’t even notice the strange carriage with the Clover Corporation’s symbol on it. They were just glad that the house was so tidy.

Scarlet: Not Twilight Zone enough. Zone it up!

Crazy56U: Get in the Zone...

However, things weren’t normal at all. There was a massive collection of parasprites living in the pony’s house.The neighbours knew about the collection, but they had no idea how big it was.

SC276: How?! If it was literally big enough to basically eat the guy’s wife…!

MrSing: Yeah, but his house is so tidy now.

Crazy56U: Potato, tomato, really.

By far the strangest thing, however, was the fact that there were ponies in suits inspecting a dirt pile in the ground.

Scarlet: Ah, they’re attending a funeral for the all the points this story might have been trying to make.

MrSing: Tonight on Dirty Jobs: dirt pile inspectors.

Crazy56U: Why hasn’t Dirty Jobs been cancelled yet?

MrSing: It’s a dirty job. Someone has to do it.

Neighbours never cared to investigate, though. As long as the pony’s house seemed to be tidy, so everything was fine and dandy in their eyes. They didn’t even notice that there was now a teenage purple dragon instead of a pony saying ‘good morning’ to them when they went to work. Same house, same neighbour they thought.

Scarlet: Spike, what have I told you about altering people’s memories again?

MrSing: Too be fair, his entire neighborhood was legally blind.

Crazy56U: Squatters Rights.

They got a bit suspicious when the dragon build a high fence around the house.

SC276: Though a few of the planks were mismatched to show how tense changes stood out.

Crazy56U: Oh, of course. A pony is replaced by a dragon, no reaction. A fence is put up? Reaction.

Many neighbours had fences, but the one the dragon built was white, sterile, and very plain.

MrSing: The dreaded picket fence. I heard that it almost brought America to its knees.

Crazy56U: ...are the neighbors being fence-racist?

There were many neighbours, so the isolation of one didn’t affect their lives enough for them to care.

The dragon worked hard, but eventually, he got tired. When it was time for him to rest he would turn off his lamps and leave only his Clover Corp. communicator on. At that point, the Clover Tech TV Screen inside inside the pony’s casket would turn on.

Scarlet: Something something brainwashing mass media blah.

SC276: How is there even a television in Equestria?

Crazy56U: Well, when in doubt, assume it’s magic.

The pony liked it when the screen lit up. It made him forget about the casket he was in. It was a window to a whole new world, where he was free and parasprites didn’t exist. If he could, he would spend all his time staring at that screen, but the dragon wouldn’t let him.

Scarlet: Jerk! You have no right to restrict this prisoner’s internet access!

MrSing: “Watching TV all day will rot your brain. Go play in your casket for a while.”

Crazy56U: Dragon can only pay for so much cable usage, it’s either regulating TV time or no TV time.

There was only enough power in the house for one of them. Either for the dragon to run all the equipment for tidying the house or for the pony to power up the screen in the casket.

SC276: One would think with how many parasprites there are, enough static electricity would be produced to allow both to run at once.

MrSing: That’s what you get for taking the 700 inch 4-D surround sound television set.

Crazy56U: ...or it could be because Dragon can’t afford to get a generator, that too...

One day the pony saw a new world on the screen. It was a perfect world that he could immerse and lose himself in.

Scarlet: Hey, I know The Witcher 3 is good, but I don’t know if it’s that good!

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, it was actually the Windows XP background.

The dragon allowed the pony to see everything there was to see about the new world, but pony still wanted more. He didn’t care about being in the casket anymore, he didn’t care about the other worlds that he could observe through the screen, he just wanted more of that perfect world.

Scarlet: Sounds like the time I first watched G Gundam, really.

MrSing: You were buried alive?

Scarlet: I had an unusual childhood.

Crazy56U: Heh, I can relate. Until I was in high school, I lived in the shed. Not because of my parents, mind, I was just a weird kid.

When the screen turned on the next time and it showed a different world than the one pony fell in love with, he refused to watch it.

The other worlds could not compare to the perfect world pony has seen.

SC276: ~Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town…~

Crazy56U: You'll find a rambling rose and a picket fence... Tenderness and innocence… in Denton.

In his mind he was immersed in that world.The pony got immersed so much that he struck at the screen with his hooves and broke through it.

Scarlet: Shit, not another fourth wall collapse! That’s two in a row!

MrSing: I tried that once. I’m still paying the bills.

Crazy56U: And thus, we get some “Kill Bill” action.

As darkness enveloped pony,

Crazy56U: Okay, granted, “pony” isn’t capitalized, but fuck it, him being called

“Pony” is fucking CANON!

he felt something hollow and unexplored behind the screen. It was a drawer he didn’t know about. Not even the dragon knew about it. If he did, he hadn’t told the pony about it.

MrSing: Just wait until they find the bathroom hidden behind the lamp.

Crazy56U: You mean that plastic bottle?

As pony opened it, a light illuminated the casket and a book with a clover on it fell out of the drawer..

The pony browsed the book. It was completely blank on every page from cover to cover.

The pony kicked at the drawer and a pen with a similar clover symbol fell out of it.

Scarlet: What the fuck is the significance of this clover?

SC276: Super Pony-Folktale Level Good Luck?

Crazy56U: Maybe it’s anti-good luck?

He picked it up in his mouth and started writing in the empty book. He didn’t know how he managed to write in the dark, but he managed it.

MrSing: Well, it’s not like he could check his work.

Crazy56U: And thus we learn how the author wrote this story!

He wrote about the perfect world he had seen.

The pony had been inside the casket for so long that he almost forgot how to write It wasn't a problem, though, for he knew that when his book was finished he could send it up the shaft that lead out of the casket.

Scarlet: How much room could you possibly have in that thing to be able to do this?

SC276: And if you’re explaining how other stuff works, explain where he’s going to the bathroom.

Crazy56U: On second thought, let’s not.

He trusted the dragon to correct his writing and let ponykind know that there used to be another pony living among them. A pony with hopes and aspirations.

MrSing: And parasprites, can’t forget about those.

Crazy56U: And epic looking down abilities!

The dragon stared at the mound for a long time. He stood, listening to the pony sleep. He then heard a voice near his right,”Number 7?” It came from a blue pegasus stallion in a white suit with a clover symbol on his lapel,”How is Dieptra?”

Scarlet: ...no.

MrSing: Misspelling your own protagonist’s name. Effort!

Crazy56U: This is why you should’ve called him Pony. You can’t fuck up the spelling of “Pony”!

“Number 8- no- Sky Fall,”

MrSing: “It is I, Swim Drown!”

Crazy56U: Adelle is gonna sue.

The dragon looked at his partner,” We are alone here, my friend, we can use our real names.”

“Scale, that’s improper.” Sky Fall said,”I know we’re nowhere near The Institution right now but we still have to follow regulations!” The pegasus known as Number 8 sighed,”Now, how is our... special one doing?”

Scarlet: no no no no.

Crazy56U: Wait, you know what’s going on?

“He’s doing fine. A little more time in the incubation chamber, and his power to control insects will be marvelous.

MrSing: Don’t forget to preheat your incubation chamber and have all the ingredients done ahead of time.

Crazy56U: W-wait, is Pony supposed to be Bug Jesus?

I had to-,” The dragon frowned,” -tell him to abandon hope and aspirations, though. It was the only way his power would increase.”

MrSing: “He wouldn’t even try hitting the gym.”

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “I mean, I tried getting him to attach himself to a car battery, but he just kept whining and complaining…”

Scale turned to the stallion,”He should be ready to become Number 20 when Number 9 breaks out of her stone prison.”

Scarlet: Oh no no n- fuck me, no.

Crazy56U: So, because math, he’s currently Number 29?

“Good,” The stallion sighed,”Now can we go home now? I think you handled the sprites enough, and my wife is really worried about me!” He growled.

“You go home, Sky,” The dragon turned back to the mound,”I’ve taken a liking to this little pony...”

MrSing: “He’ll eat anything I shove down that shaft. It’s hilarious.”

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “I’m even thinking of popping the question, tomorrow...”

The stallion rolled his eyes as he turned and spread his wings,”Always the softy...” He flew off.

“Soon, little one, soon we’ll bring you to your full potential.”

Scarlet: Jesus fuck! “You thought it was going to be a folktale with a point, but it was ME! The Avengers!”

Crazy56U: Oh, that’s what was going on? ...wait, what?!

SC276: For pete’s sake, author, keep to a freakin’ genre.

RingmasterJ5: It’s worth noting that there aren’t any other stories by the same author to follow this up or give more context to that bit, it’s just a standalone thing that just makes no fucking sense in the slightest.

Scarlet: Well, I can only conclude that the moral of the story is that Parasprites are just bad. Please tell me the next one is more comprehensible.

RingmasterJ5: Take that up with SC, because this last one was submitted by him. It’s also a good example of the kind of really, really, REALLY bad clop we actually would run from time to time. I’ve seen a clopfic or two submitted that just seem to be kinda average, and that stuff we’ll generally pass on. However, things like this last fic, “The ‘DASH’ing Story” by xblade, are exactly the kind of horrible we’re looking for.

Fallen Prime: ...oh, fuck me. It’s THIS guy. I actually know this story AND the author. They’re both insufferable.

RingmasterJ5: SC’s to blame for inflicting this particular fic upon us, send all your ire at him. But for now, let’s get on with it.

SC276: I was actually wondering if one of the fics I sent would show up for this~ I databased this for my own riffing series with the notes, “Cookie-cutter self-insert clop fic. Obviously masturbatory.” I’m not kidding, the description says flat-out that it’s a self-insert, with an OC named Lightspeed, and Rainbow’s emotions have been “tweaked.” You’re in for a treat~

Bucephalus: *arises once more* I heard the name of the one who brought this madness to me. Now I cannot even die peacefully! Death to SC!

Scarlet: No killing him! Comically murdering people is my job!

SC276: I thought that was Topher’s?

Crazy56U: (straps on a helmet) Fuck it, unlike the last times a riff turned towards clop, I’m staying.

Hi, I'm Lightspeed, and I'm an alicorn.

MrSing: Strap in kids. We’re going in hard.

Bucephalus: Hi. I’m Bucephalus. I hate alicorn OCs.

Crazy56U: Glad to know the author ascribes to the “go big or go home” model of life.

I have a blue fur and a blonde mane, along with two blue eyes.

MrSing: Good to know somebody already beat him up for us.

Crazy56U: That’s not exactly true, because if he was, he’d be black and blue, not just blue. ...da ba dee da ba die.

My cutie mark is in the shape of the omega symbol. It means, of course, that I am a leader.

MrSing: And that you conduct electricity poorly.

Crazy56U: And you’re possibly a Doctor Who villain...

Well, its been a week since me and Rainbow started to date.

Scarlet: Aaaand we’re gone! *walks off*

SC276: If he’s the Omega, who’s the Alpha?

MrSing: I just wanna know who's on first.

Crazy56U: Man, you just want to get right into the fuckin’, don’t ya Author?

When I look up to the clouds, I can almost see their faces; I miss them.

Scarlet: *walks back* I forgot my keys. Also, what the hell, where did that sentence come from?

MrSing: It was such a shame when the faces in the sky went away.

SC276: What is this, Darwinia?

Crazy56U: An artist’s rendering of the clouds:

Besides that, I mean, things couldn't get much better. Well, I was wrong.

I was sitting under my favorite tree. The reason it’s my favorite is because it overlooks a grassy field followed by a waterfall.

Scarlet: It overlooks a grassy field followed by a waterfall because of a complex process of geological processes over time. The geological processes are complex because...

MrSing: Damnit! Who keeps shooting Scarlet before they finish explaining things?

Scarlet: I don’t know but this is the third lung I’ve had to replace today.

Crazy56U: ...was that a silent gun, or am I going deaf, because I didn’t hear the- (BANG!)

It’s so peaceful and quiet—It was a nice sunny day with some clouds, not many.

SC276: “It was a beautiful and sunny day.”

Crazy56U: “The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.”

At least that's what I thought, until a cloud flew over my tree and casted a shadow. I thought that was odd because clouds don't move by themselves.

SC276: Buddy, what world are you living in?

MrSing: Equestria outlawed the wind.

Scarlet: Wait, hold on, he’s dead right. That’s why Everfree weather is such a catastrophe. You win this round, story!

Crazy56U: Booooooooo!

Then I heard something coming from behind me. Naturally, I stay calm. Then as it gets closer, I face it and attack it.

Scarlet: The story of how Lightspeed accidentally nuked Rainbow Dash.

Crazy56U: No it isn’t, because there’s still more story...

I turned quickly, but Rainbow had different ideas and she pounced on me. I love it when she does that. It reminds me off our first kiss.

MrSing: “It was just like being tackled to the cold hard ground.”

Crazy56U: Oh God, forget what I said earlier, don’t tell me they’re going to start fucking now...

Rainbow had a hungry look in her eyes; in her beautiful pink eyes.

MrSing: Dash, have you been smoking weed again?

Crazy56U: Oh God they are...

We stare into each others eyes for what seemed like hours, then Rainbow closed the gap between our faces. She dove into me with a passionate kiss.

Scarlet: Dove into- ew! Shit, she’s in his spleen! Oh god!

SC276: Now that’s an execution.

Crazy56U: (deeps sigh) Here we go.

"I am the luckiest stallion ever," I thought to myself. Rainbow broke the kiss and dove her nose into my chest. She started to take in my scent. That was so cute.

Scarlet: Smells like unwashed armpits and stale cheetos.

MrSing: It’s his own patented cologne.

Crazy56U: My money’s on him smelling like gasoline...

Then Rainbow looked up and said, "Rut me you big boy." Then she started to grind on my crotch. It felt so good. I moaned in pleasure. "Aw, does it feel good?" Rainbow says kinkily. "You want me so bad don't you?"

Scarlet: This dialogue contributed from your nearest bargain porn movie.

SC276: What’d I tell ya?

MrSing: “My love for you is like a truck, Berserker! Would you like some making fuck? Berserker!”

Crazy56U: Then, I guess it’s a good thing that I cued up the porn music already... I guess?

She starts to grind harder. My moans intensify. My erection stiffened. She could feel it under her belly. Rainbow gasped on how big it was.

Scarlet: Just once, just once, I’d love to read a pornfic where someone looks at an erection and goes “hey, that’s a completely average-sized wang and it’s lovely!”

MrSing: “That’s some nice medium sized breast you have there, ma’am.”

Crazy56U: A whole two centimeters!

"I knew you were packing but that's huge," she said. Rainbow got really close to my face and said, "do you want me?"

SC276: Given you’re dating and this is a terrible clopfic, why wouldn’t he want you?

Scarlet: That awkward moment when Lightspeed has to admit he’s gay.

Crazy56U: Say no.

"Please, Rainbow," I said.

Crazy56U: (pinches bridge of nose)

She interrupts and she said kinkily, "Rainbow what??" as she starts humping my cock. My body needed her, no matter what.

Scarlet: Though this was mostly because it had been possessed by alien genital-stimulation worms.

Crazy56U: Doubtful, that would make this interesting...

"Dashie, please do whatever you want with my cock! I need you RainB-O-O-WWW!"

MrSing: Something's wrong with the acoustics in this fic.

Crazy56U: Someone get Sound Guy in here.

While I was begging for her, Rainbow slid her face down to my cock. Eyeing it, marveling it—that hungry look in her eyes grew.

Scarlet: Then, without further ado, she ate Lightspeed’s penis.

SC276: ...no, actually, this doesn’t remind me of some of my worst RPs.

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s acting like this is the first time she’s seen penis. And, somehow, in this universe, I doubt that...

Then finally, Rainbow started to lick it like a lollipop.

Crazy56U: I only do this because I’m in pain.

Then she started to lick the tip. It was all happening so fast, I never wanted this to stop.

Scarlet: “But it did about thirty seconds later, when I ejaculated prematurely .”

MrSing: “And that’s why they call me Lightspeed.”

Crazy56U: And so Rainbow kept blowing him until the world ended.

Then it happened.

*BOOP*

She scrunched her nose on my cock,

RingmasterJ5: what

Scarlet: Jesus, that sounds painful!

MrSing: Oh god, it’s a nose job.

Crazy56U: (winces; grabs crotch in pain) OWIE

and then she started to suck on it.

"OHMYGOSHHH, RAINBOW, THAT FEELS SO GOOD!" I yelled

SC276: Exact opposite of how we’re feeling.

Crazy56U: (quietly reached for barf bag)

as she went up and down, stroking it, sucking on it—the pleasure was amazing! She went faster and faster, then I felt it start to throb.

Scarlet: Forced shout that no one has ever said during actual coitus in their life in 3… 2…

Crazy56U: Blowing around at the speed of sound!

Rainbow felt it too. She wanted my cum so badly, who was I to say no? "I'M CUMMING!!"

Scarlet: We have liftoff!

MrSing: Does that mean we can go?

Crazy56U: No, because that would mean there’s a loving, caring God in the universe.

She took it all in her maw. When I was done, she swallowed, then she climbed up onto me and said, "that was AWESOME! You taste so good."

Scarlet: “She said as she finished chewing on the remains of my dick.”

Crazy56U: So, his dick exploded like a hot dog in a microwave?

Rainbows pussy was really wet.

MrSing: We now cut to Rainbow Dash giving her cat a bath.

Crazy56U: As long as she doesn’t start fucking the cat...

She looked into my eyes, and then it clicked in my mind what she wanted.

Scarlet: “Miss Dash, I believe you’re trying to seduce me!”

MrSing: A brand new car?

Crazy56U: ...sex?

"Its my turn to pleasure you,"

Scarlet: I’d do anything for Bloodninja to just show up in this somehow.

SC276: Which witch handles those sorts of deals?

Scarlet: The council outsourced that to the fickle gods of the internet years ago.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Let me give you a back massage.”

Rainbow looked up at me and said in my ear. "Buck me as hard as you can."

MrSing: He proceeded to kick her into orbit.

Crazy56U: (sigh) Of course.

This was a huge turn on. Well, Rainbow herself is a turn on, but that sealed the deal.

Scarlet: I put on my robe and wizard hat.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a caulking gun) You want things sealed, do ya?

I mounted Rainbow up against the tree,

MrSing: “Shit, I forgot the flag. We need to head back to base camp, guys.”

Crazy56U Why are you trying to have a three-way with the tree?!

then I whispered into her ear, "you ready to get pounded?"

Scarlet: “After she said yes, I hit her in the head with a rubber mallet!”

SC276: Wouldn’t fucking someone against a tree scratch the hell out of their back on all the bark?

MrSing: His bark really is worse than his bite.

Crazy56U: Wait, you want to fight her now? I thought you wanted to bone...

Rainbow replied with her tongue sticking out,

MrSing: Well, that’s just rude.

Crazy56U: To be fair, deciding to have sex him him is ruder.

"please… I need this." With that I thrusted into her. I broke her.

MrSing: You break it, you buy it, pal.

Crazy56U: ... (pulls the caulking gun back out) Do you need this?

I was her first. I smiled as I continued pounding her, going in and out her. It felt so good.

"How do you feel, Dashie?"

Scarlet: “I will assume that ‘meh’ means ‘awesome’!”

Crazy56U: “If you can’t use words, just blink; one for good, two for bad. ...okay, I don’t know what five blinks mean...”

"So GO-O-OD!" She then begged me to buck her "HARDER," so I pounded her harder. "FASTER," So I bucked her faster.

MrSing: You idiot! She didn’t say “Simon says”.

Crazy56U: Dude, don’t fucking drag Daft Punk into this...

Her moans became louder and louder, then it happened.

"I can feel it throbbing! I WANT YOUR CUM, FILL ME WITH YOUR SEEDS!"

Scarlet: “I slipped some apple seeds into her vagina. We haven’t spoken since.”

SC276: I don’t understand some euphemisms sometime...

MrSing: Be glad, last time he used chestnuts.

Crazy56U: Just don’t use sunflower seeds, that will cause problems...

"Fine then, let’s cum together!" With one final thrust, I came into Rainbow Dash. My seeds flooded her. She felt so warm. She was so happy. Our bodies melted together.

Scarlet: “They flowed away in a puddle.”

MrSing: I’m not cleaning this up.

Crazy56U: I don’t know where the mop went...

After a while, she turned around pulled me into a passionate kiss and then we broke the kiss.

Scarlet: [Dash] “Um… yeah. That was terrible. Seriously, ten seconds?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “By the way, I’m pregnant.”

"I love you, Dashie," I said then.

Rainbow replied, "I love you too."

And from that moment on, I knew that me and Rainbow were meant to be together forever.

Scarlet: “After all, no one who has fantastic sex ever turns out to be a terrible life partner!”

Crazy56U: But then Lightspeed died of a heart attack ten minutes later.

Author's Note:

Thank you everybody.this is revised.

Crazy56U: Uh huh, it sure is sweetheart, whatever you say...

i could not of done this with out my editor mondai shunketsu.

Scarlet: Fuck you, Mondai Shunketsu!

SC276: Given the author note and description look like a linguistic hurricane hit them, we should probably be glad Mondai Shunketsu bothered. And now… chapter 2.

MrSing: Mondai took the full brunt of this fic to protect us from it. *Presses F to salute*

Crazy56U: Oh come on!!!

-8 Years Later-

"DADDY, WHERE ARE YOU!?” said Lightning-Bolt.

Crazy56U: I WAS KIDDING ABOUT RAINBOW BEING PREGNANT

"Right here, son," I said.

Scarlet: “Not you, I meant my real Daddy!”

Crazy56U: [Lightspeed] “In the trash, where I belong!”

"Dad, where’s mom?" asked Lighting-Bolt.

SC276: This one must be the living typo.

MrSing: “Six feet under in the backyard. Why’d you ask?”

Crazy56U: She left you once she realized how worthless Lightspeed was.

"She's out getting you some more school supplies.

Crazy56U: ...kinda doesn’t prove me wrong, story...

Why don't we learn some new magic?" I asked.

"Ok, Daddy," said Lightning-Bolt.

Scarlet: Of course this is a logical progression. From clop straight into babies.

MrSing: Finally we learn how babby is formed.

Crazy56U: I don’t think the Author took Sex Ed...

And so, a father and son bonding experience ensued.

MrSing: “But that shit’s boring. Have a recap instead.”

Crazy56U: “Unfortunately, we don’t have the budget to show that.”

8 years ago, Lightspeed married Rainbow Dash, and then she became pregnant.

Scarlet: Not necessarily in that order.

SC276: Also, logical progression from first-person to third-person.

MrSing: It was kinda awkward that they did it right on the altar. The cake was nice though.

Crazy56U: ...at least until they decided to bang on top of it.

11 months later, Lightning-Bolt was born. Their son really liked weather, yet Lightspeed as a father still wanted to teach him everything he knew and to receive an education like the other colts.

MrSing: He didn’t want his son to grow up into one of those weather liking hobos.

Crazy56U: Leave Crazy Dave out of this!

As a colt, Lightning-Bolt was very gifted in magic and flying.

Scarlet: His father resented his genius, and plotted to kill his son in order to preserve his place on the throne and prevent an uprising.

Crazy56U: That’s kinda sexist to say that being a boy means he’s great at that stuff, Author...

He too was an alicorn, like his father, but he wasn't interested in the world peace.

Scarlet: Lightning-Bolt desired blood above all else.

MrSing: Don’t we all at that age?

Crazy56U: Damn it, Lightspeed gave his son his Mary Sue disease...

He was fascinated with weather.

Crazy56U: You... already said that?

He always dreamed of working as a weather pony. Rainbow didn't want to crush his dreams, so she didn't tell him she used to be one.

SC276: Why would she quit her job? Just because she has kids? The husband’s not doing anything, why can’t he look after them?

Crazy56U: No, she just forgot she had a job, and they fired her.

Little did they know, their life was going to change forever.

Scarlet: What, Lightning finds a blue card?

SC276: Or he put a foot inside the Hope’s Peak campus.

Crazy56U: Or Lightspeed got drafted...

"Ok, Lightning, are you ready for the force field spell?" I asked.

"Yeah, Dad, come on! I'm so ready," said Lightning-Bolt.

Scarlet: It was the perfect opportunity. Eyeing his son’s fragile shield, Lightspeed smirked as he raised a hammer and

Crazy56U: then Lightning-Bolt blasted it out of his hoof. With murderous intent in his eyes, he attacked his father, and promptly ate him.

-2 hours later-

"COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT!!" I screamed encouragingly.

MrSing: “It’s just an RPG, you should be able to stop it easily.”

Crazy56U: [Lightspeed] “SCREAMING IS ENCOURAGEMENT, I READ IT ON A BLOG!”

"I'm trying!" Grunting with frustration, Lightning-bolt pushed.

"YOU DID IT!" I screamed joyfully.

Scarlet: The joy was false. Both father and son knew it, but neither spoke of it. It sat between them like a poisonous river, corroding the air around it.

Crazy56U: [Lightspeed] “YOU’RE NOT THE WORTHLESS FAILURE I THOUGHT YOU WERE!”

"I DID IT, I DID IT, DADDY! LOOK." Lightning-Bolt said, glinting with pride.

"Good job, Son. I'm so proud of you," I said, bringing him in for a hug.

SC276: We, meanwhile, couldn’t be further from disappointed.

MrSing: I heard you need to install a mod anyway to actually kill NPC children.

Crazy56U: Well, then we should also install the Thomas the Tank Engine mod… Just because.

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash snuck in and pounced on us, but missed. Rainbow looked confused.

Scarlet: She hurt herself in her confusion!

MrSing: The first signs of Alzheimer's are always the hardest.

Crazy56U: She really needs to take that eye exam...

"You got to be faster than that if you want to pounce me, Dashie," I said, smirking.

"So, what did Lightning learn today?" Rainbow asked quizzically.

"Show Mommy what you learned today," I told my son.

"Ok, Daddy. Mommy, watch this new spell

SC276: “-that I learned today.”

Crazy56U: “that took Dad five years to learn, but took me two minutes!!!”

Daddy taught me," said Lightning-Bolt as he warmed up his horn.

Scarlet: He warmed it just a touch too far, and spontaneously combusted.

MrSing: Ripperoni in pepperonis.

Crazy56U: “And then he shot out a burst of magic, killing his dad instantly.”

"You ready?" I asked.

"Yeah," answered Lightning-Bolt. A blue protective orb swirled around him.

MrSing: What is this Super Smash Brothers Melee?

Crazy56U: Or Super Smash Bros. Brawl...

"See, Mommy, I did it!”

"Very good. I'm so proud of you," Rainbow cheered.

Scarlet: “Now do it while flying upside down!”

Crazy56U: “You are so much less worthless that your father!”

"Mom, did you get me my new school supplies?" Lighting-Bolt asked.

"Only the best for you," Rainbow said proudly. Why don't you go pack your new stuff away?"

"Ok, Mom," He said, trotting off upstairs.

Scarlet: Lightspeed watched him leave. They would fight, eventually - but not now.

Crazy56U: Poor Lightning-Bolt... His school supply addiction is slowly killing him...

Rainbow turned to me and pounced again.

"Got yah," Rainbow said kinky.

"Oh Rainbow, not now," I begged her.

Scarlet: Well that’s not a disturbing way of phrasing it.

Crazy56U: Does Rainbow have some kind of sex addiction or what?

"Sorry, I want it so bad," Rainbow said beginning to hump me.

"Oh, you are just asking to get pounded!" I said.

Scarlet: Hell no I’m not.

SC276: *grabs a mallet* I’ll pound you.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a Heavy Lourde) Here, this has some pounds.

MrSing: I’ll pay you a hundred pounds not to do this scene.

"Maybe I am," she replied while lowering herself down to my crotch.

Scarlet: holding a pair of surgical scissors and a brick.

Crazy56U: Oh, dear, here we go aga-

Author's Note:

Crazy56U: OH THANK GOD

This story takes place after the main plot.OK UPDATE NUMBER 2.Here is improved chapter 2.

RingmasterJ5: Well, after that… mess (which yes, is actually supposed to end right there, the fic’s “Complete” on FiMFic), a question for all of you: How did this whole “blind submission shuffle” idea turn out? Should we do it again? I’m sure SC and Scarlet will touch upon their opinions on the matter in their gigantic outro-discussion they always do nowadays, but if anyone else reached this point, throw in your two cents as well.

Scarlet: My opinion is one out of four was a riff worth getting into and the rest were various levels of stupid, boring, or incomprehensible. But I honestly wouldn’t mind doing this again, if only for the variety. And hey, I got to use the Pokemon theme song as a running gag. Can’t be all bad!

SC276: Well, let’s see… #1 was stupid and why would you even come to that conclusion while forgetting unicorns can shoot magic, I’m pretty sure they tried that in the season 4 finale. #2 was dull as all hell; nothing of note happened, which is a crime if you’re including Discord. #3 was decent and started as a half-decent folktale thing, but then spiraled into absurd impossibilities even for folktales and apparently ends in superpowers? I don’t even know. #4… well, it’s #4. Also, it has a sequel.

Crazy56U: DUDE NO SHUT UP

RingmasterJ5: ...wait a second, what did you just say?

SC276: Yeah, if you check the page for the fic on the site, it has a sequel link listed in the sidebar.

Crazy56U: STOP TALKING

RingmasterJ5: ...2K words, and it’s complete? ...yeah, we’re only 9K in right now, we can afford to do this. Looks like we’re not quite done with the riff anymore.

SC276: ...I regret everything now.

Crazy56U: You should.

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, the newly-discovered fifth and final fic of this week’s shuffle, “Crystals in the heart” by xblade.

SC276: I don’t think apologies will be enough...

MrSing: Crunch time, people. Also the community shuffle is okay.

Bucephalus: Honestly, I just skipped the porn part.

When the rich are given money, greed consumes them and they turn everything around them into objects that reflect them.

Scarlet: The heart is no different. Darkness grows within it, consumes it!

MrSing: Those crazy rich people and their mirrors.

Bucephalus: Mirror, mirror on the wall, why am I in this clichéd fanfic?

Crazy56U: ...oh, fuck this. (gets up and leaves)

What kind of world do we live in that our light is taken from our dark?

MrSing: A world where we didn’t pay the electricity bill?

This balance is always tilting. Yin and Yang. If one side were to grow, Chaos would ensue. When the weak fall and the strong rise, only the one who can see through to the heart may triumph.

Scarlet: I was joking about this being a wannabe-Ansem speech!

SC276: Insert something about despair from the end of Danganronpa here.

MrSing: The best way to see through the heart is, of course, to shoot through it.

Lightning Bolt looked up to the sky, lost in thought.

“Dad, I remember when you used to tell me stories like that,” Lightning Bolt mumbled to himself. “Too bad he didn't realize that there aren't ponies out there that can see into other ponies hearts.”

Scarlet: “Except for Princess Cadance but she doesn’t count!”

SC276: Is he reading the narration or something? What story like that?

MrSing: The heart surgeon pony would like to disagree.

Lightning's ears zeroed in on the stranger and his eyes grid locked.

Scarlet: Traffic was held up for miles on the iris interstate.

SC276: The pupil overpass was especially blocked up.

MrSing: Why is he a robot?

Lighting Bolt took a defensive stance and yelled, “Who is that! Show your-r-r-r”

MrSing: Show m-m-me your-r-r m-moves!

Rainbow Dash, with a depressed look in her eyes, said, “You're thinking about him, aren't you?”

Scarlet: Yeah, thinking about Lightspeed leaves me feeling depressed and paranoid too.

SC276: I’m starting to think we missed a story in the middle or something.

MrSing: Well, “miss” is a big word.

Lighting Bolt turning his head said quickly. “No, I wasn't thinking about him.”

Rainbow Dash softened her tone. “Son its ok to be upset.”

“I'm not upset!” Lightning shouted.

Scarlet: It’s past Halloween, I’m not going to dig out the “You’re Lying!” clip again.

SC276: “I’m not crying, you’re crying!”

Rainbow Dash pulled him into a hug. “I know its hard, but-t-t…!”

MrSing: Hehe, “butt”.

Lighting Bolt ripped her hoof off of his back. “HOW COULD YOU UNDERSTAND MY PAIN?!

MrSing: “It’s crawling in my skin! These wound they will not heal!”

DAD MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME! NOW I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S ALIVE! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND!” he screamed, throwing his face into hers.

Scarlet: Yeah, only OCs have the power to grieve! Filthy canons suck!

SC276: “HE WAS MY HUSBAND, THAT’S HOW I COULD UNDERSTAND!” For fuck’s sake...

Rainbow Dash swiftly slapped him.

Lighting Bolt looked up confused. “You hit me.”

Scarlet: The Dash is back.

SC276: ~Dash is back / Back again / Dash is back / Tell a friend...~

Tears flowed down Rainbow Dash’s face.

MrSing: “I think I broke my hoof.”

“How could say such things? Your father loved you. He taught you everything he knew,” she sniffled, trying to regain her composure. “You can't say I don't understand your pain, I was as close or even closer to him than you were.”

Scarlet: Oh come on, he was an alicorn OC! You can pop over to deviantart and find a new one in five minutes!

SC276: I WAS JOKING! KIND OF!

Rainbow Dash shouted angrily, “YOUR FATHER LEFT, BUT WE ARE A FAMILY; WE STICK TOGETHER THROUGH THICK AND THIN! OR, WOULD LIKE ME TO SLAP YOU AGAIN!?”

Scarlet: I’ll pay to see it.

SC276: Does the author not know how to use italics, or what?

MrSing: You don’t leave this family unless it’s in a body bag. Or if you’re Lightspeed I guess.

Lightning Bolt sat there and stared up at his mother while she stroked his cheek. “I'm good.”

SC276: I like how he always says Lightning Bolt so that we can never confuse him with Lightning Dawn.

Bucephalus: Isn’t Lightning one of the most common OC names? At least for the ones who have relationships with Rainbow. There’s also a Lightning Storm being reviewed elsewhere.

Rainbow Dash trotted closer. “Listen,” she started.

Lighting Bolt tried to pay attention.

Scarlet: He failed miserably.

SC276: But failed m- GODDAMMIT SCARLET!

“One day you'll meet somepony. You'll fall in love,”

MrSing: “Fuck against a tree, regret it. Marry, regret it. Have a kid, you know the rest.”

she said. “But be careful, she will be able to see into your heart....” her voice trailing off into the distance.

Scarlet: I’m pretty sure Cadance is married though.

Lighting Bolt suddenly woke up in his dorm bedroom, full of sweat and breathing hard.

SC276: He had a nightmare about his mom? Freud would have a field day.

MrSing: Too be fair, he’s always filled with sweat and breathing hard.

He lied in bed, staring at the ceiling and sniffling softly to himself. hot streaks flowed down the side of his face and he covered his head, unable to resist the urge to cry.

Scarlet: I’d feel worse if his missing father wasn’t the incarnation of blandness.

Author's Note:

This is only the beginning. I've came along way. But I've improved. I think this is a story you all will enjoy.

SC276: There’s three chapters to this thing, by the way, and here comes chapter 2. Stating it here because the original chapter breaks are going to get lost in a haze of riffs, most likely.

MrSing: What a shame. About those extra chapters existing, I mean.

"Well it's another beautiful morning in Equestria! Tom?" came the voice of a particular mare.

"Yes, it certainly is, Vinyl," replied Tom.

Scarlet: Wait that meme boulder? The hell is it doing here?

MrSing: Rocking out, getting stoned, being taken for granite, hitting rock bottom, getting boulder by the minute.

An automated message sounded over the radio: You’re listening to Dubstep radio on 101.9 FM with Tom and Vinyl Scratch.

SC276: What kind of stupid DJ name is “Tom”?!

Lightning Bolt was still half asleep, fumbling about his sheets to hit the volume on his radio.

Scarlet: Waking up to dubstep sounds like waking up to the end of the world.

MrSing: More effective than coffee, but worse for your heart and teeth.

"Wheres the snooze button?" He clicked it with his hooves, groaning to himself after it ceased its blaring. A little bit later, he rose from his bed, the sun baking his face lightly. “What time is it,” he yawned. “It-s-s-s..... OH MY CELESTIA! I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR CLASS!"

Scarlet: Suddenly, Sailor Moon.

SC276: “MY ALARM CLOCK DIDN’T GO OFF!”

He jumped out of bed not evening bothering with his sheets and booked it down the stairs as fast as his hooves could carry him. "I got to make breakfast!" Lightning glanced at the clock. "Oh My Celestia! I'm so going to be late!" he said in a panicky tone. Lightning hurriedly reached for his books and went to make his lunch.

Scarlet: I’m holding out the unreasonable hope that we go full anime narm and he grabs a piece of toast in his mouth.

"Oh, I've no time to pack my lunch!"

(Err…the script has Lightning pack his lunch…)

Scarlet: Author, stop interrupting your story. That’s my job!

MrSing: (Err... the commentary has MrSing making a riff...)

Lightning Bolt urgently trotted to his room to get the rest of his belongings. "Urgh I'm going to be late. Ok so I might as well buy lunch. I really don't have any time.”

(I won’t say it again, the story has Lightning Bolt PACK his lunch!!!)

Scarlet: xblade cries, realizing this story has spiraled out of his control.

SC276: Is the author trying to be meta-funny?! How do so many authors screw this up…!

MrSing: > “Pack lunch”

> “This game doesn’t know how to do that”

"I've got so little time,” Lightning said, hurrying out the door. “Ah there, some bits for later."

(No! Follow the script, make your lunch!!! NOOOO!!!!!)

Scarlet: Existential despair sets in.

SC276: Buddy, you got 2K words, you don’t have time to spend them on this shit.

MrSing: Now the author has no other choice but to kill his creation. What a shame.

Bucephalus: How come we can’t pass through the fourth wall, but bad OC’s can do it no sweat?

Lightning wolfed down his breakfast and prepared a teleportation spell.

SC276: Oh right, this guy’s an alicorn like his self-insert dad.

MrSing: It’s like you’re not even paying attention to this amazing story.

As he was swallowing, he activated his magic and vanished from his current spot.

Scarlet: He accidentally teleported himself into three alternate universes, including one populated entirely by sentient krill, before making it back.

The hallways were empty, save for one colt hurrying to the class of his destination. Lightning Bolt grunts, "Come On!" The bell rings defiantly in his ears, but he hastens his pace and tries for the door.

MrSing: “Oh no! I can’t teleport inside the school without a hall pass.”

He can see his class just down the hall.

"GO… GO… GO... AN-N-N-D!"

Scarlet: Gotta go fast!

he slides into the room, just as the door is about to close. “I’m…!”

"LATE!" replied Mr.Golden. The teacher scowled at Lightning and handed him a slip of paper. “I figured you would be, so I made this in advance.”

"2 hours?!"

MrSing: Mr.Golden had been waiting for two hours to slam the door shut in Lightning Bolt’s face. I can respect that in a teacher.

Lightning shouted, disbelief all over his face. Snickers rang out from the entire class.

Scarlet: The dork who failed to look at the clock- our hero.

SC276: What school is this guy going to? It can’t be further than elementary school; from my own experiences, two hours late means missing the entire class!

"Detention! Aw mare, this blows!" he groaned.

SC276: Well I’ve heard some stupid pony curse words in my time, but that one takes the buckin’ cake.

"Well Mr. Bolt, would you be so kind and join the rest of the class?" Mr. Golden said.

The classroom giggles as the class clown trots into class. Sure he’s the smartest pony in probably the entire academy, but his unruly antics and haughty behavior don’t exactly earn him the respect he should feel he deserves.

Scarlet: Thank you, author, I’m ignorant of basic high school storytelling tropes and needed this refresher!

SC276: Stop projecting, author.

"What did Mr.Golden give you?" a colt asked to side.

Lightning Bolt slams his head on his desk and mumbles, "2 Hours."

SC276: Wait, he got two hours detention, not was two hours later? Then how late was he then? If he was just barely late, two hours detention is completely unreasonable unless he’s a repeat offender, and he doesn’t have enough of a character established for that!

"That sucks, bro."

Scarlet: Much like the material I’m reading.

Mr. Golden yells, "NO TALKING!"

MrSing: “THREEEEE HOURS DUNGEON! I MEANT DETENTION! No trials.”

He clears his throat and straightens his mane. "Ok, class, today I will pick your partners for a big project that is worth most of your grade."

SC276: What is this, my software engineering class in college?

MrSing: My teacher did a project where we had to buy him beer for our grade. I learned a lot in that class.

He lifted the list from his desk and began reading off names, much to Lightning bemusement.

SC276: Which gave way to Thunder humorous.

Going down the list, he finally came down to....

"Crystal, you’re with Lightning Bolt."

Scarlet: “I apologize deeply and without reservation.”

"NO!" They stated unison.

Scarlet: This just in- a rogue “in” has broken free of the sentence and is now free-floating through the atmosphere.

SC276: Authorities have attempted to locate the missing “in,” only to be foiled when they would up in a giant bowl of chocolate pudding. No one was mad, except the one officer who was by pure coincidence allergic to chocolate. His poor existence...

"Yes!" stated Mr.Golden.

MrSing: Ha! I like the cut of his jib.

"I want all partners to set up times, when you can get together with each other and work on the project," he replied. The whole class started to get up and move around to try and find their partners.

Scarlet: Then all of them tripped over parasprites.

SC276: EVERYBODY DO THE FLOP!

"You can do this. It's one project then you don't have to talk with her again."

SC276: Uh, I’ve read the prologue. They’re pretty much set for life. Which produces interesting comparisons to the Calvin & Hobbes arc where Calvin and Suzie have to do a report about the planet Mercury.

MrSing: Ah, back in the good old days when Mercury was still a planet.

He looked over at the strange mare and frowned. Nopony liked this girl.

SC276: Nopony likes you, either, so you’ll get along just fine.

"Hey… um," Lightning Bolt tried to speak, but his brain failed him.

MrSing: He should be used to that by now.

"Crystal"she stated with sass.

Scarlet: What, no Z-formation to go with?

SC276: Didn’t the teacher literally just say her name? If he’s so smart, how could he forget that?

"Salty, aren't we?"Lightning Bolt asked sarcastically.

Scarlet: I get the feeling this is how conversations between the author and his reviewers go.

"Not at all, because ponies are 75% water," she replied in a matter of factually way.

Scarlet: Beat? What are you doing here? Go back to Shibuya before it’s too late!

MrSing: Tragically Crystal couldn’t sweat.

"Well, aren't you just a barrel of laughs?" Lightning said jokingly.

"No, I'm not a barrel, and what is laughter?" she asked quizzically.

Scarlet: You don’t know what laughing is? In Equestria? That’s like someone from Iran asking what a mosque is!

SC276: Oh my god, I hate overly literal people, and that’s not just because of one of my poorer relationships.

MrSing: Spaghetti is just pouring out of her pockets right now.

"Laughter is an involuntary, physical reaction in ponies, consisting typically of rhythmical, often audible contractions of the diaphragm," Lightning said, talking right out of his ass.

Scarlet: No… no that was entirely a valid physical description. This author can’t even find proper insults!

SC276: Who wants to bet that if I Googled “laughter,” that’s what I’d get?

MrSing: No, he actually had mastered his bowels enough to be able to talk out of his ass. It’s his cutie mark.

"Whatever," she replied, flaunting her mane. "Um, listen, meet me at my house tomorrow. Here are the directions. I'll see you there."

SC276: [Lightning] “What time tomorrow?” [Crystal] “Anytime. We’re getting hooked up, it doesn’t matter when.”

MrSing: Good thing she always keep that map with directions to her house in her pockets.

Before Lightning can speak, the bell rings, signaling the end of homeroom. Crystal leaves without saying a word, leaving Lightning alone and confused.

Scarlet: Mostly, he wondered how she managed to switch to present tense.

"Ugh, I can't believe I got stuck with the most emotional challenged, and probably most socially challenged pony as well!" Lightning Bolt complained.

Scarlet: Oh hey, I can use my laugh track button again!

SC276: You are pretty much the same person, buddy.

MrSing: Mr.Golden: “Stop talking to yourself, you weirdo!”

Author's Note:

Chapter 2....well....I've got nothing.

SC276: As you’ve repeatedly proved. Now, the third and final chapter.

It was a nice sunny day with not a cloud in the sky.

SC276: “It was a beautiful, sunny day.”

"Looks like the weather team did a fantastic job with today,"

MrSing: “I like the weather, that’s my entire character.”

Lightning Bolt said while trotting and following the directions Crystal had given him. "Is this the place?" said Lightning Bolt in a confused manner.

Scarlet: “A bit to the right!” Crystal called down as she continued to position her anvil.

"Knocking....knocking...answer the door already," said Lightning Bolt waiting impatiently.

SC276: Maybe it’d work better if you actually knocked.

MrSing: You should see him trying to tell a knock knock joke.

The door opens and.... Crystal trots out. She stares at Lightning Bolt. Lightning Notices and blinks oddly.

..."Are you ok?" he asked.

Scarlet: “You keep doing that whole switch to present tense thing. Are you sure you’re temporally anchored?”

Crystal continues staring until finally she says, "Yes I'm fine," in a peppy voice.

Scarlet: “There, see? You did it again! It’s kind of weirding me out!”

Lightning Bolt stood there with his mouth agape.

MrSing: Spiders just started pouring out.

Crystal turns around and says, "You coming or what?" still very upbeat. Lightning Bolt is completely perturbed by this personality 180. But, in the end decides to follow her.

Scarlet: “It’s got me too now! I’m slipping between points on the timeline!”

SC276: Does she have a switch installed in her back or something? Like a temperature setting, only it’s for how warm her heart is.

After a few minutes of trotting they finally got to her room. It was.... rainbow colored....

Lightning Bolt had no words. He just stood their with his mouth still ajar.

Scarlet: “This might be the single gayest space in existence.”

MrSing: “Your Feng Shui is all messed up, man.”

"Well, isn't it pretty?" Crystal said while staring at him.

SC276: [Lightning] “Yeah, uh, pretty, um… where’s all your furniture?”

MrSing: Lightning: “It looks like my mom exploded in this place.”

Tears well up in lightning's eyes. In his mind all he could think about is his mother.

MrSing: If he ever saw a double rainbow he would explode in a shower of angst.

Crystal noticed this and acted quickly, moving in fast. She could see it in his eyes; pain, sadness.... so much sadness, anger; all of this was welled up inside his heart.

SC276: That’s how I get when I read Mykan.

MrSing: It reminded her of the time that Lightning had punched a kid for eating a rainbow ice cream.

She tried to get close but he moved back.

Scarlet: Wait why would reminding Lightning of his mother hurt? Isn’t it Dash who survived?

SC276: Maybe she died or something and left him fending for himself, because it’s not like she has five friends that are various degrees of qualified for surrogate parent.

MrSing: Would you adopt Lightning?

"Leave me alone," Lightning Bolt said in a messy arraignment of emotions.

"No," Crystal said in a serious tone. "You need help and I can help you!" She pushed Lightning to the ground.

Scarlet: “The problem is that your heart is aching, right? Not a problem if I just remove it!”

MrSing: “Nothing that a friendly wrestling match can’t solve.”

"Wait, how could possible help me and you barely know me?" asked Lightning Bolt questioningly.

She starts laughing then, which made Lightning very confused. She looks down at him and smiles.

“Because I can see inside your heart,” Crystal replied.

Scarlet: “I know everything about you. E v e r y t h i n g.”

SC276: “So play. nice.”

MrSing: “You should really cut down on the cholesterol.”

Lightning had no response to this.

SC276: Neither do I, actually.

He couldn’t believe this was happening. It was all so overwhelming. As she gets closer to his face, their eyes locked, staring deep into his heart.

Scarlet: Through the now-opened wound in his chest.

She was so close to his face that they were a millimeter apart from each other. Then finally, their faces met, and she dove right for his mouth.

Scarlet: He struggled as she dislocated his jaw, forcing herself through. His body was about to fly apart.

SC276: Can’t be much of a dive if she was only a millimeter away. I’m guessing the author doesn’t know just how freakin’ small that is.

MrSing: Fanfiction is why America won’t switch to the Metric system.

Lightning Bolt didn't know whether to be turned on by this, or be disgusted.

Scarlet: Well I was going for the latter, but I can think of a few vore fans who’d go with door number one.

She kept digging her tongue into his mouth. Finally he gave up and welcomed her advance.

Scarlet: Including you, apparently.

This sensation was so odd, yet it felt so good. He never wanted this to end. Unluckily for him Crystal pulled back. He begged and pleaded for her to keep going. But, she couldn't until she cleared up that emotional distress.

SC276: Us next.

Just then, she felt something throbbing under her. She got off him to see his stallionhood standing erect at attention.

Scarlet: No, no, it’s supposed to get erect and then you get him off!

"Aw, it’s so big," purred Crystal. That was biggest cock she had ever seen.

SC276: Why does she have something to compare to, and didn’t they literally hate each other’s guts yesterday?

MrSing: Just wait until you see his chickens.

"I think I know how to help you,” she said kinkily. She moved down slowly, licking all the way down to his massive length. "Ready to take your medicine?" she asked, eyeing it and ready to pounce.

Scarlet: She held up a bottle of nyquil.

"WAIT!" said Lightning, in a rushed and nervous tone.

"Yes," Crystal said while continuing to ready herself.

Scarlet: Wait hold on, what?

"I don't think i'm ready for this,"said Lightning in a not so assuring manner.

Scarlet: Aaahhh, just what I needed: Potential rape!

"I think you've needed this for a long time," she said before moving closer to the tip. Finally, it happened.

BOOP.

Scarlet: The universe ended.

SC276: Not with a bang, but with a woo-hoo.

MrSing: This is what happens when you don’t spend money on sound effects.

As her nose cringes on the tip of the cock, she follows up with a kiss. This turned on Lightning so much.

SC276: If he wasn’t turned on before, than how was he already hard?

MrSing: You really don’t want to know.

"Wow, you must really like that. Well then, you’re going to love this," she says while grabbing his length with her hooves. She then proceeds to lick up and down him like a Popsicle.

Scarlet: However since hooves are rigid, hard objects, she crushed him before he could remotely begin to get off.

"Oh my-y Celestia-a-a.

MrSing: “Who is Celestia? Are you cheating on me!?”

This feels so-o-o-o goo-d-d-d,"said Lighting in a state of bliss. She then moved to licking the lip. Precum started leaking and she drank that all up.

Scarlet: I feel like I’m listening to the lyrics of a shitty sex rap.

SC276: Why am I here? I could be solving teen murders right now.

MrSing: I could be murdering teens right now.

"You taste so good," she moaned. She started to suck on the tip and this drove Lightning out of his mind.

SC276: We’re already out of ours, thank you.

He couldn’t help but moan. She noticed this and decided to go further down his length. He could feel her warm suckling mouth bobble up and down him. As he increased his moaning, she increased her pace.

Scarlet: To the point where, without meaning to, she swallowed his scrotum entirely.

Finally he bottomed out in her mouth. She wanted him so badly to release all of his emotions and let the past go but in order to do that she had to make him "release" his warm seeds.

Scarlet: Why give a total stranger a blowjob over that when you can just plant a window garden?

SC276: Why does she give a fuck about his well-being again?

MrSing: The project will affect most of their grade, duh.

After a few minutes of this going on, he couldn't hold back any longer. "Crystal I'm going to cum," he said while he felt like he was going to explode.

Scarlet: Is this a thing people who are having sex actually say to each other?

"Good, give it to me. All in my mouth. Your emotions, your pain, your suffering and most of all your love," she said then,

SC276: Somehow, considering she has a giant dick in her mouth.

MrSing: She’s a goddamn changeling!

going back down on his length. Finally he came, spurting out hot seeds right down her throat. "Mhmhmhm. That was amazing."

Scarlet: Given he’s never done this before, I would’ve expected him to last about half that time.

Lightning was in a state of pure bliss. He was slowly coming back down. "Hehe, I guess you liked it," she said in a happy voice.

SC276: I’m bored…!

He finally came down and said, "That was the best thing I've felt in a long time. Thank you, Crystal."

"Lightning?" she asked.

Scarlet: “You have really low standards.”

MrSing: “I’m part of the Special Victims Unit! You’re under arrest for being bad at sex.”

"Yeah" he answered.

"Do you want to be my special somepony?" Something in his memory clicked. He could faintly hear the voice of his mother.

Scarlet: Not the kind of thing I’d imagine after sex, but okay.

SC276: Talk about your Oedipus complex...

MrSing: Well, he did just have sex in a room that’s Rainbow themed.

One day you'll find a special somepony, but be careful, because she can see through your heart…

Then it all came to him. Crystal was meant to be his special somepony.

Scarlet: Rainbow Dash, secret prophet. Possibly Cadance in disguise.

"Yes," he said after a while.

She was so happy. She jumped up and dove into him.

MrSing: He didn’t need that spleen anyway.

"A kiss… one that, he would never forget."

Scarlet: Because she ripped his tongue out in the middle of it. Happy end!

Author's Note:

Well I'm going to explain this.so there no confusion. The reason she didn't open up to other ponies is because she didn't like what she saw in their hearts. The only heart she saw that was worth her time was Lightning Bolt's.

Scarlet: She’s got pretty low standards, or lives in a shitty town. One of the two.

SC276: Well to be fair, this is the child of a self-insert. That’d blind any radar.

MrSing: It was worth thousands of bits on the black market.

Well that's the story ladies and gentlemen. I hope you've enjoyed this story.

SC276: Hate to break it to ya… actually, no I don’t.

I thank my editor and myself. My creativity is a little burned out.

Scarlet: Was this before or after you started?

So if I get inspired again maybe I right a different story.Possible with out OC's and self inserts.

Scarlet: “I’ll just do what everyone else does and use Spike as a proxy instead.”

MrSing: I would advise you to git gud before you do that.

But I don't know. We will see what happens. To tell you the truth it was a lot of fun making this. I really think it deserves a good rating.

SC276: You would think that, would you.

So please it would make me and my editor very happy to see that bar turn green.

Scarlet: Nah, let’s not even bother to dislike it. Ignore forever!

Also if you like these stories and you could follow me. Also tell me what you think of the story. But please criticism and praise only. No slander!

Scarlet: To be slander it would have to be untrue.

MrSing: Ah, the good ol’ “Kiss my ass or kiss yours goodbye” author note.

Bucephalus: …I hate people like this.

Well this has been fun. But, it must end I'm xblade and thanks for reading.

Scarlet: And thank you for finally finishing. So, is this guy going to be on our future options list? Because he’s such a deliciously easy target.

SC276: Eh, lemme check… He’s only got one other story after this, and… it’s about rape and mind-breaking, and… it’s also about Rainbow. For fuck’s sake… I thought I had so little to talk about in the last story because I read it before, but… no, this author just can’t deliver content worth giving a shit about.

Scarlet: Yeah, I’m not really motivated to deliver an outro this time. It started as SC and I feeding into each other’s need to sum up a story after reading, but how do you sum all these up? “Bleh”, “Meh”, “Bwah?”, “Hah!” and “Pfffft!” roughly in that order?

MrSing: Pfheh. That’s all.

Bucephalus: If we’re voting, can I vote we just stay away from his stuff? At least Chatoyance and Mykan have some variation in their stuff. Sure, it’s all variations of the same crappy ideas, but at least they try to have differences in their work. This guy just writes really, really, really bad porn.

Scarlet: Precisely. It’s a comic gold mine! I mean, say what you will about most other authors we’ve covered but Chatoyance has legitimately strong stories and prose, and Mykan… okay there is nothing positive about Mykan, but Pen Stroke ain’t that bad. I think the best riffs tend to come from fountains of derp that continually surprise us by going one note dumber than we’ve expected.

RingmasterJ5: You fucking asked for this.

Fallen Prime: This is what you get when you don’t send submissions. You make us look for them. And when you do that, you get Five Nights at Freddy’s crossovers and no one walks away feeling clean afterwards.

RingmasterJ5: This fic is very strange in that it’s written in a way that slowly reveals how dumb the situation is over time, in a way that looks like it should be part of a trollfic but really isn’t. So, it turns from “OC stallion is gets a job at a pony version of the pizzeria” to… well, I won’t spoil it, but it should work well as a riff.

Fallen Prime: So basically, this ain’t your grandpappy’s FNAF crossover.

RingmasterJ5: And once the whole situation is revealed, it becomes what might just be the most incredibly fucking pointless story we’ve ever ran.

Fallen Prime: Apparently that’s a thing we have to rank now.

RingmasterJ5: Now it is, at least. Either way, without further ado, “My Little Fazpony” by A Derpy King Boo. ...Goddamnit, the author’s name made my usual intro bit rhyme.

MrSing: Already the dark forces of FNAF are corrupting the quality of the writing.

Scarlet: They said I might skip this one. They were WRONG. I don’t run from animatronics. I… um… well, I admire their aesthetic direction and contribution to evolving concepts of the survival horror genre! or something! I don’t really give a fuck about FNAF! Go riff!

SC276: I’ve seen a FNAF/pony crossover that worked. Inasmuch as crossing these two series could possibly work. Also, I am resisting the urge to dynamic intro through the wall blaring rock fanmusic, since I’d probably get my ass kicked for that. *puts on a tiny adorable top hat* Let’s party!

Crazy56U: Now I’m glad I didn’t submit anything!

Topher: You know, I’m actually kind of a fan of the FNAF series. The gameplay is pretty lackluster, but it does provide some great horror via creepy-as-fuck visuals and sound direction that really works in its favor. Let’s see how trying to convert these things to text pays off! This can only end well.

My Little Fazpony

Crazy56U: Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate.

'Twas but an ordinary Friday afternoon here in this quaint little town known as Ponyville.

Crazy56U: You know, excluding the group of ponies singing that goddamn song.

SC276: The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Mudville nine that day...

MrSing: Ey govenuh! What’s with them faux posh writin’?

Trekker: Twaz waz Bratz: The Splatty Ratz That Are Gnatz Covered in Shatz. Fanzy enough for you?

The sun was warm and shining, birds were chirping, and there was a gentle breeze flowing through the air.

Scarlet: On days like this, I think to myself… “Why am I reading FNAF crossover?”

Crazy56U: It was that kind of day, where the countrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.

Trekker: Nope. *Proceeds to let out a fart* Not so gentle anymore

The Pegasi outdone themselves,

Sigma: Oh, great, the narrator’s a redneck.

Crazy56U: Hey now, let’s not jump to conclusions yet; wait until he mentions loving the Confederate Flag...

as they usually do, and today was absolutely perfect.

Scarlet: ~Morning in Ponyville shimmers! Morning in Ponyville shines!~

SC276: Well something terrible isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

Crazy56U: Perfect… for spoops!!!

I was currently in the home of my beloved marefriend and was as happy as any colt could ever be.

Scarlet: We’re proud of you.

Crazy56U: He’s not happy because he has a marefriend, mind you, he’s just happy to be living inside again.

Inside the home of my marefriend, she had a newspaper -

Crazy56U: The Onion.

MrSing: Always a good reason to be ecstatic.

the Ponyville Express

Crazy56U: ...so, pony-The Onion.

- on the coffee table. I had glanced at it for a while and noticed the headliner for today's edition:

Crazy56U: Shitty Crossover Inbound

MrSing: “Dragon with Dandruff Scales Local Mountain.”

Giant Food Chain to Open Ponyville Location.

Scarlet: Unfortunately, ponies are herbivores and were stuck at the bottom.

Crazy56U: About fucking time Ponyville got a Taco Bell, let me tell ya...

MrSing: “Now hiring ponies at 5 bits per pound. Wings prefered.”

I swear that my marefriend knows all about me and can read me up and down, back and forth, inside and out, just like a page-turning, mind-grabbing novel.

SC276: One with a lot of overblown description.

Crazy56U: So like a coloring book, then?

MrSing: If he were a book he would be only one letter. And not one of the good ones either.

She called to me from the other room as she was preparing hot cups of coffee for us both.

Scarlet: The domestic life of Nameless Colt is so exciting. It’s truly the detail people wanted.

Crazy56U: Here we've secretly replaced the fine coffee she usually serves with Folgers Crystals. Let's see if they can tell the difference...

"Have you heard that the new place is hiring?" She called to me.

Crazy56U: Can’t be bothered to tell us a name, huh… Figures… (starts drinking Diet

Coke)

"I have, Twily," I replied back, although I hadn't exactly heard the last part of her question correctly.

Scarlet: *makes a sudden record scratch noise*

SC276: Wait…

Crazy56U: (stops mid-drink)

MrSing: （・∀・）... wait what （・Ａ・）

Topher: *sigh* You know, I should be angry about this. It should be the most asinine thing I’ve ever seen. But before I decided to point my guns at cartoon horses, I tried to riff FNAF fanfics. If this follows any of the trends I saw, this is only the beginning of where things go wrong.

"They're supposedly looking for a few applicants and transferring other ponies to that spot as well," Twilight answered back,

Scarlet: No, I’m sorry, go back a sentence. I feel like I missed something. You’re dating Twilight? Isn’t that kind of… I mean… is that really how you want to introduce the main character? Twilight’s unnamed boyfriend? Who is this guy and where did he come from?

SC276: We’re not even maybe three paragraphs and already we’re flying in the wrong direction. At least give us a freakin’ name, you goddamn…! *throws a Foxy plushie at the fic*

Crazy56U: ... (spits out Diet Coke)

MrSing: Can they transfer me to a better story? That would be great.

Topher: *picks up Foxy plushie, places it in the closet, and shuts the door* We’ll just let that simmer for a bit and let it out for a gag later.

reentering the foyer of her home, cups of coffee dazzled with her magenta colored aura, following her close behind.

Scarlet: You’re not going to answer me, are you, story. That’s cool.

SC276: OK, “Twilight’s Kingdom” was May 2014. FNAF1 came out August of that year. So this is in… whatever the heck that castle’s named. Does it have an official name yet?

Scarlet: I call it “The Friendship Castle” but I have no idea if that’s official.

Crazy56U: I call it the Crystal Death Place.

Trekker: I prefer the name Laurenskull, but meh.

MrSing: Missed opportunity to call it Fort Friendship.

Topher: I call it “Little Crystal Empire.”

RJ: Twilight Castle of Friendship and Pancakes.

I had taken my cup and wrapped it around in my indigo colored aura and thanked Twilight for the preparation of the coffee, not only for myself, but for herself too.

Scarlet: Well, at least I know you’re a unicorn now. Thanks, Nameless Colt!

SC276: That would’ve been nice to know before now.

Crazy56U: Who’s to say he is a unicorn, though? Maybe he’s an alicorn, just to make this more shitty...

MrSing: “Thank you for making coffee for me. Thank you for making coffee for you. Thank you for making coffee for two.”

Topher: Wait a minute… Twilight sparkle is purple… She is very smart, meaning she would definitely know how complex animatronics work inside and out, and the show showed that she spends her time doing nothing, so she would probably get a job somewhere, like at Freddy Fazbears, and she also spends a lot of time around foals… ZOMGTWILIGHTISPURPLEGUYILLUMINATIHL3FNAF5CONFIRMED!

She didn't need to do this, but she wanted to do it. That's why I love my little Twily;

Scarlet: Dude, you’re using the same pet name for her as her older brother. That’s not even remotely creepy!

Crazy56U: Well, given how some people assume Twilight and Shining had some kind of incestuious thing going on, I think this adds a whole nother layer of implications.

MrSing: It’s just a cup a joe, mate. No need to declare your undying love.

Trekker: [Shit OC] “I love her because she can make one hell of a coffee mix!”

she goes out of her way to make myself happy.

Scarlet: “Her only purpose was to fulfill my desires.”

SC276: We gather here today to mourn the passing of Twilight Sparkle’s character as a fairly independant mare…

MrSing: Independant? Tell that to Celestia.

Crazy56U: She started taking up pot once they started dating. Just to make being with [Insert Name Of Character Here] more bearable…

Topher: Okay, let’s just name this guy now. We’ll call him… Bear Stuffing.

But, her presence alone makes my day ten thousand times better than it was before I've seen her.

Crazy56U: Before her, he was in a relationship with a miss Rosie Hooves, if ya catch my cold. (ACHOO)

SC276: No thanks, I’m starting to actually get over this one I’ve had all week.

Trekker: I’m sorry. I’m VERY SORRY FOR NOT SUGGESTING A FIC! PLEASE, CAN WE GO NOW AND HAVE A JAGERMEISTER?!

MrSing: Ten thousand times zero is still zero.

Twilight smiled, taking a seat next to me on the love-seat, the two-sectioned couch.

Scarlet: The redundan-seat, if you will.

SC276: I applaud that pun.

Crazy56U: That was a pun?

Placing the coffee down for a brief moment,

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, she set it down so hard the mug shattered. Fortunately, the steaming hot coffee went all over Narrator.

she had grabbed the Ponyville Express with her magic and brought it closer to us both, opening up to the first page, the page that explained, in elaborate detail,

MrSing: “My name, job, appearance, and place in this world.” Wait, that never happened.

about the new restaurant location and the background and history of the chain company.

Scarlet: At first I thought I was just getting impatient to get to the good bits but… no. Some of this prose really is completely trimmable. In fact, this entire intro bit is pointless. There’s a reason FNAF just throws the player character into the job. Nobody gives a fuck about your domestic life.

SC276: The entire background? Including the part about the child murders by an employee?

Crazy56U: No, silly, they aren’t stupid. They Wikipedia’d their own history so that it could be printed. No need getting sued again, right?

Trekker: Should have suggested that horrible Pokemon x K-on! x MLP crossover I read earlier. THIS SHIT HAS TOO MUCH PADDING!!!

MrSing: So much padding you could survive a car crash with it.

I had skimmed through it while Twilight read it in full.

Crazy56U: “I, uh… I can’t read or write…”

RJ: “Just tell me when you get to the sports and funnies babe.”

"Wow," Twilight lightly gasped, "locations all over Equestria and in other countries as well."

Scarlet: I hear Griffonstone really enjoys a nice pizza joint. They’re fun to burn down when they fail to pay out protection money.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, Euro Fazbear’s was a steaming pile of shit...

MrSing: “And four sequels, an RPG, and a movie!”

"Must be a pretty large corporation if they have locations in other countries," I sniggered.

Scarlet: That wasn’t a joke. I don’t know why you think it was. It was not. Stop laughing.

Crazy56U: ...sniggered?

Trekker: MYKAN IS HERE?

MrSing: Large corporations just tickle his funny bone.

"I wonder how they'll do here in Ponyville." Twilight told me.

Scarlet: ...and that was a question, not a- is Derpy King Boo a second-language english speaker? Is that what’s going on here?

SC276: Freakin’ English-as-second-language… Not that I want to discourage people from learning English, but… augh, I mostly hate there’s no decent win-win solution to it.

MrSing: I can’t wait until Skull Face saves us from this conundrum.

Crazy56U: Just spitballing here, Twi, I doubt it will be a good time...

Something towards the end of the article managed to catch my eye.

Crazy56U: “No, the animatronics aren’t haunted and no one died at any of our

restaurants, SHUT UP.”

MrSing: “Look at these funeral benefits!”

Topher: “We’ll even bury you in the animatronic suit you’re stuffed in!”

Trekker: “Warning: Please do not store in moist environments, unless you want it to be extra tight.”

It was a subsection that explained that the restaurant was taking in new applicants. I pointed to it and jokingly spoke to Twilight.

Scarlet: Get eaten by a fox already!

SC276: [Foxy] “Arr, I’d rather swab the poop deck.”

Crazy56U: Tough shit, Foxy! KILL!

Topher: *reaches for the closet door* Eh, not yet.

"Heh," I chuckled, "maybe I should apply for a job there."

SC276: Do it and mess up on the first night. What other way is there to make a FNAF fic following the beats a one-shot?

Crazy56U: Ah, I see why you said that “jokingly”, very funny! (shakes head no)

MrSing: “Hah! Me! A productive member of society. Could you imagine?”

Twilight turned her head to me. "If you want to, Lunar," she smiled, "it would be interesting to see you working there."

Scarlet: Oh, and you have a name now. That’s good to know. Unfortunately for you, you didn’t tell me fast enough, and so I’ll be calling you “Redshirt” for the remainder of the story.

SC276: Lunar Schmidt.

Crazy56U: That sounds like a porn star’s name… I’m calling you Carl from now on.

MrSing: Mike “Lunar ‘Redshirt’ “ Schmidt.

Topher: Eh, I’m sticking with Bear Stuffing. That’s all he is.

I took that as a bet.

Crazy56U: But... why?

"What?" I smirked. "Don't think I can last in the work force?"

Crazy56U: HAH, IRONY, HAH.

"Uh, no," replied Twilight.

"And whys that?"

"Well," she continued, "for one, you've never actually worked an honest day in your life."

Scarlet: Oh hey! Finally, we’re actually getting some defining characteristics for this guy! Maybe I’m being too hard on this story-

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “For another, you suck.”

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong, Princess," I smiled.

"You know I don't like you calling me that, Lunar," Twilight told me, although this was information I knew prior.

Crazy56U: [Carl] “(chuckles) I’m such a likeable guy, I swear…”

"I know," I stated, looking at my wings,

Crazy56U: CALLED IT!

then at Twilight's, then back at mine, "it 'places you ahead of me.' I know what you mean."

Scarlet: Nope. Nevermind. We are right back to me wanting to watch this guy get mauled.

SC276: How the hell did Twilight even notice this guy?

Crazy56U: Maybe Pinkie dared her to date him…

Topher: [Twilight] “Hey, buddy? My eyes are over here. Stop staring at my wings.”

"How does it place me above you?" Twilight questioned, tickling me with her wing. "You're an alicorn too, you know; an alicorn Prince, mind you."

SC276: Oh god fucking dammit.

Scarlet: You know, this is kind of a significant detail. Are we not going to establish anything about- no? Okay then, never mind.

Crazy56U: Why did you capital- i-is Carl actually Prince in pony form? Is he going to defeat Freddy Fazbear by singing “Purple Rain”?!?

MrSing: Prince Mike “Lunar ‘Redshirt ;Never done an honest day of work in his life, but rules a country; ‘ “ Schmidt.

Topher: STRAP IN BOYS, WE’RE GOING DEEP INTO THE SHIT PILE TODAY!

"I don't know," I bluffed, "it's just something that I feel."

"Well," continued Twilight, hugging me closely as we sat on the love-seat, "it shouldn't and doesn't."

Scarlet: Right! Well, I’ve had enough of that for now. Time to go make something of my life instead of riffing this.

Crazy56U: Don’t fool yourself, you’re sticking through ‘till the end.

There was a long period of silence filled in the room, only being broken by the occasional sipping of coffee and humming of the aura that was our magic. Life was perfect the way things were at this moment; I don't have any regrets.

Scarlet: ...Okay, never mind, I think I just want to burn this down out of sheer spite. Also? ~And I know for absolute certain/that everything is going to be fiiiiiine~

SC276: *cranking the bots up to 20* Oh good to know…~

Crazy56U: (passes a screwdriver) Here, see if you can try and crank them up to 50…

SC276: Well they’re already pretty high-strung as it is, but I’ll see what I can do…

Topher: And give these to all of them. *hands SC several floppy disks labeled “Torturebot Install”* I know they already do terrible things to people, but at least now they’ll do it niiiiice and slow. It’s a good thing I kept them on floppies so I would be able to make use of them with old 1996 robots!

Here I am.

Crazy56U: Rock you like a hurricane.

I, one Lunar Nights,

Crazy56U: I stand corrected. That sounds like a porn star’s name. ...maybe even

Luna’s porn name...

MrSing: Prince Mike “Lunar ‘Redshirt ;Never done an honest day of work in his- You know what? Nevermind, you could be called Moon Moon for all that I care.

just sitting here next to the most beautiful mare in all of Equestria, one Twilight Sparkle. Time spent with Twilight passed by much, much slower than real time and I had never minded it.

Scarlet: Well, I know your name now… genderswap Luna? Strange man from out of town? Cousin of Baron Silver? Seriously, where did you come from and why are you here?

SC276: ~Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from Cotton-Eyed Joe...~

Crazy56U: Carl just got a contact high from Twilight. Pretty soon, the munchies will kick in...

I was mere moments from falling asleep and drifting towards taking an afternoon nap along Twilight's body,

Crazy56U: So, he likes Afternoon Delight? ...well, now we know for sure he’s a terrible pony...

when the petite princess broke the silence softly.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(burp)”

She turned her head so that she was looking at me and spoke aloud.

MrSing: “Do you think they’ll make another Batman movie?”

Crazy56U: “Why the fuck did ABC cancel Pushing Daisies?”

"Lunar," she spoke in her soft, elegant, and sexy voice.

Scarlet: ...you did not just slip me porn again, Ring.

SC276: I’ve managed to avoid most FNAF porn, thankfully. I’d rather keep it that way.

Crazy56U: Damn it, I used my Afternoon Delight joke too soon...

Falling prey to the pressure of conversation, I answered my love's call rather softly and in a very deep and heavily bass tone.

SC276: That he wasn’t using before?

RJ: Suddenly Barry White.

Crazy56U: Twi’s all about that bass, am I right?

MrSing: You are right.

"Yes, Twily?"

Scarlet: *pulls out ‘70s porn music record player*

Crazy56U: I feel ashamed that I had to look this up on Youtube...

"Were you serious about applying to that place?" She asked me, a high amount of curiosity being traced in the sound of her voice.

Scarlet: We traced it using the most advanced of applied sciences!

Crazy56U: ...did Twilight just cockblock him?

MrSing: “Don’t you have an actual country to co-rule?”

Topher: They did, until the Strong Badian army attacked it. All two square feet of his country, now under Strong Bad’s iron boxing glove.

Admittedly, I was thinking about applying there and Twilight's earlier joke

Crazy56U: There was a joke?

made me want to apply even more. Answering her question, I explained to her how I felt.

SC276: And not just using actual dialogue, which is sorely needed because I have no idea how you’re feeling besides high on alicorn for no good reason.

Crazy56U: Redundantly, the narration was redundant.

She smiled, "Okay then,"

"Why'd you ask?" I asked curiously.

Scarlet: This is like the final boss of riffs. Everything I hate from our last four fics is starting to congregate together into one place. All we need now is ludicrous violence and implied child rape.

SC276: Well maybe the Purple Stallion did something extra because fuck it pony fic.

Crazy56U: (pukes on the floor) ...thanks, Scarlet...

MrSing: Dang, I think I skipped the tutorial.

Topher: LESS TALKY MORE MURDEROUS ROBOTS! -y.

"Well," she continued, "they say it's supposed to be a fancy place, all chrome-casted walls and whatnot.

SC276: Because chrome has totally been invented by pony time.

Crazy56U: Apparently, this takes place in the future. After all, everything is chrome in the future.

MrSing: Because restaurants and heavy metals just work so well together.

I was thinking maybe we could get dinner there one day with...an employee discount, y'know? Try it out first."

Scarlet: I’m sorry, isn’t the entire idea behind FNAF that the pizzeria is like a shitty Chuck-E.-Cheese rip off? Trashy, kiddy, full of greasy pizza and overpriced arcade games with lame prizes? Twilight would still totally go there, but that description sounds… what?

SC276: It’s like trying to set up a romantic candlelight dinner at a McDonald’s.

Crazy56U: Or getting married at Carl’s Jr.

Topher: That is so specific that I feel like if I Google it, it’ll turn out to be real, and a little piece of my soul will die.

I laughed a bit at the idea, but understood where Twilight was coming from. "I'll give the place a tryout," I told her, "then we can decide on dinner, Twily."

Scarlet: I give him one night.

SC276: Trust me, I’ve been working on that. Though so far, attempts to get these guys to 21 are proving quite difficult.

Crazy56U: Screwdriver didn’t work? (pulls out a power drill) Try this…

Topher: Let me see if I have any more floppies. *rummaging in his bag*

"Thank you, Luny," Twilight laughed jokingly. She knew I hated being called "Luny."

SC276: Well we kinda hate you exist, so it evens out.

Crazy56U: Well, then, it’s a good thing I’m calling you Carl, then, eh Carl?

To me, it sounded too feminine,

Crazy56U: [Carl] “LIKEABLE CHARACTER, THAT’S ME!”

but then again, getting my name and my mentor's name mixed up was an often occasion.

Crazy56U: (sigh) Of course...

Lunar and Luna, not a very subtle difference, wouldn't you say?

MrSing: It’s almost like someone was incredibly lazy in naming you.

Crazy56U: Or this is a case of copyright infringement...

Add one letter to one name and you get a different pony in a different gender, but y'know, I often get mistaken as a mare based off of my name.

MrSing: “Yeah, that must totally be the reason.” [sweating intensifies]

Crazy56U: No, I think there are different reasons for that...

Let it be known that I am a colt; a Prince. I am in no way, shape, or form a mare or princess nor will be.

Scarlet: Jesus, man, we get it! You have a penis! We don’t care! It’s My Little Pony, nobody gives a flying feather if you’ve got nuts or not! We’re not going to judge your masculinity!

Crazy56U: Also, you don’t need to keep capitalizing “prince”! Either admit you’re actually Prince in pony form and sing “Purple Rain” or fuck off!

Topher: The Bear Bait formerly known as Prince.

Twilight often teased me by calling me "Luny,"

SC276: Because he’s crazy in bed, apparently.

Crazy56U: Because, like you, the nickname was shit.

but the joke is on her that I don't mind 'her' calling me that.

SC276: Interesting method of emphasis, author.

Crazy56U: And the narration got a lot more stilted, somehow...

MrSing: “I’m a ‘colt’ and my ‘marefriend’ ‘princess’ ‘Twilight’ is a nice ‘mare’ that ‘loves’ me very much.”

Were it anypony else, then I'd have a problem. But, alas, it is her, so there need not be a problem that exists in my simple-natured self.

Scarlet: Good to know, Luny.

SC276: Yeah, a prince, simple-natured. Those totally don’t contradict each other. Augh…

Crazy56U: In other words, it’s cool when she does it because she turns you on.

Not too long after our little sub-conversation, a knock came from the front door.

MrSing: Oh! That must be the delivery man with his order of biodegradable plot twists!

Crazy56U: “OPEN UP, IT’S THE POLICE!”

Groaning slightly because she wanted to remain alone with me - I could tell - Twilight gently arose from the love-seat and approached the birch door.

SC276: I don’t know what the front door of that castle made up, but I’m not entirely sure it’s birch.

Crazy56U: It’s made of crystal. Literally the entire castle is made out of crystal, even if it doesn’t seem like it. The beds? Crystal. The books? Crystal. The food? Crystal. Fourth thing? Crystal. Crystal Death Place is 100% crystal and I just proved it, trust me, I have a Tumblr, that proves my legitimacy.that is actually my Tumblr

Scarlet: So in other words one could say it’s nothing but Crystal Gems?

Crazy56U: 100% crystal, Scarlet, 100% crystal.

The knock came again rather quickly, so I had jumped to the conclusion that our good friend Pinkie Pie had dropped by to pay us a visit.

Scarlet: I’ve never wanted a story to turn into Cupcakes as much as I have right now.

SC276: [Bonnie] “Why do they call it a hacksaw?”

Crazy56U: I’m not pulling out that definition again.

Topher: I’m not writing another song about it either.

"Hold on, Pinkie," Twilight assumed, "I'll be right there."

Crazy56U: As Twilight approached the door, she quietly loaded her shotgun.

The knock came a third time by the time Twilight had reached it. Surrounding the birch door with her magenta colored aura, Twilight opened up the door carefully and with ease.

Scarlet: Can I just issue a public apology to Pen Stroke now for thinking he was the only author who pads door-opening this much, or should I wait until the end and see how deep the rabbit hole goes?

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Thank for explain mechanics of door.

It was an older door and so it needed to be treated with much TLC.

Scarlet: Pen Stroke, I am so sorry.

SC276: Ohhhh, tending loving care. I’ve been reading a Gregory Horror Show fic that had that acronym and wondered what it meant.

Crazy56U: And as such, like The Learning Channel, Twilight violently ripped the door off its hinged and threw it like it was a steaming pile of crap into the distance. ...fuck The Learning Channel.

MrSing: I can’t believe that I find the relationship between Twilight and this door better written than her’s and Luny’s.

Once the door opened up fully, our assumption of the company being Pinkie Pie had been confirmed as the pink party pony had been bouncing up and down in place at first glance.

Scarlet: On second glance, the world was bobbing up and down beneath her, and she was just floating in place.

SC276: Like Thor’s hammer, except Pinkie.

Crazy56U: Little did they know that Pinkie was playing with the Mirror Pool again and had unleashed another swarm of clones into the town...

Chuckling slightly, Twilight acknowledged Pinkie Pie's visit and invited her inside.

"Not right now, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie spastically replied.

Scarlet: “Spastically”... I’m...why… do you even English.

SC276: ~It’s really fantastic / That was sarcastic / ‘cause you write like a spastic...~

Crazy56U: At least the author isn’t taking about any blurred lines. (ba-dum-TSH)

"What's up then?" Twilight questioned. "You're usually never this hyper about something."

Scarlet: Rena, please give that the appropriate response.

Crazy56U: Man, Twilight must be baked right now...

"The new restaurant opened their doors!" Pinkie pie smiled before bouncing away elsewhere.

Crazy56U: It took them 10 hours to fix the doors and get them opened; someone

jammed a penny into them.

MrSing: The rest of this story is now about doors. This is the future you chose.

Topher: Well, it is a FNAF fic.

I called from the couch while Twilight watched Pinkie Pie bounce away.

MrSing: Bye plot device.

Crazy56U: Her name is Pinkie Pie, you jerk.

"Wanna check it out, babe?"

Scarlet: Didn’t she just say- ah, fuck this shit.

SC276: Hey, you can put your thing in whatever you want, that’s your business, just leave me out of it.

Crazy56U: And then Carl transmogrified into Babe Ruth.

"Sure," Twilight smiled, turning to face me while simultaneously shutting the large, birch colored door.

SC276: We get it, the door is made of freakin’ birch. Stop repeating yourself.

Crazy56U: It’s colored birch, doesn’t mean it’s made of birch. Remember, I proved the castle being 100% crystal using logic.

Smiling and obliging by Twilight's decision, I had sprung up from the couch much like a slinky springs to the next step.

Crazy56U: Sliiiiiiiink...

MrSing: So he fell on his face?

I stretched out both my hooves and my wings and took in a long, satisfied breath to soothe my innards.

Scarlet: His colon is trying to implode and take him with it.

Crazy56U: His liver committed seppuku in a desperate attempt to kill kim.

MrSing: On this day we salute the brave sacrifice of Luny’s internal organs.

Twilight stepped up to me and looked at me with her innocent lilac eyes; her hypnotic eyes.

SC276: If they were really like that, I would think I’d enjoy this more.

Crazy56U: Nah, that would make this stupider...

"Ready?" She asked me.

"Ready." I answered back,

SC276: READY *Mean Man!warps*

Crazy56U: Take me with you!

wrapping a wing gently around Twilight's petite body.

Scarlet: She’s taller than most of her friends and none of them are small by pony standards.

Crazy56U: Well, he is an Alicorn OC, maybe he’s also super fucking tall...

I didn't see it, nor could I, based off of our angles, but I knew Twilight smiled brightly and pressed up against me whenever I did this. She liked it when I wrapped my wing because it provided warmth and hospitality to her, at least that's what she claims.

Scarlet: *jumps back as something explodes* Damn it! My waifu-meter! I just got that!

SC276: Oh my fucking god, where are we going to get to the jumpscares already?!

Crazy56U: (shard of Scarlet’s waifu-meter imbedded in eye) ...I am in a world of fucking pain…

Topher: *plucks various shards from various sensitive areas* Oh, please! We’ve been through worse! Remember when... um… yeah, never mind, this sucks.

We made our way over to her door and as we neared the old birch door, I begun opening it with my magic.

MrSing: CAN YOU HANDLE THE NON-STOP ACTION!?

Crazy56U: I’m about to have a heart attack, there’s so much action...

I was a true gentlecolt because of Twilight and knew she appreciated little acts of kindness like this from me all the time.

Scarlet: “I enjoyed complimenting myself and preening my ego incessantly. I am the sexiest and most studly of all alicorn princes.”

SC276: “Which is why I didn’t get up to answer the door in the first place.”

Crazy56U: (attempts to remove shard; accidentally rips out eye) ...fuck…

Scarlet: I can fix that. *begins rummaging around for a spare eyeball*

Topher: Let me save us both some time and put him out of my misery. In honor of FNAF, I give you: my all new murder method! *slams Crazy’s head into a bear trap, ripping out a chunk of his brain*

Crazy56U: I hope to God you burn in Hell. (dies)

Smiling, I allowed her to exit through the door first before I followed her out, closing the door gently behind me. Twilight smiled at me brightly, showing her signature white-toothed smile.

Scarlet: *insert that one image from Lesson Zero here*

Crazy56U: (regenerates) Okay.

"Thank you, Luny," she teased playfully.

"Anytime, Your Highness," I buoyantly responded before we began making our way towards the other side of town.

Scarlet: I think my brain is in danger of shutting down.

Crazy56U: (nosebleed) ...I think my brain is crying…

Topher: He responded by being able to float in water.

Ponyville at this time seemed to be bustling with a bunch of tiresome worker ponies heading home after a long day of working heavily. It was like seeing rush hour back in Baltimare at about this time. You know, I sometimes miss my apartment in Baltimare and even miss the city noises.

Scarlet: Oh, I see, you used to live in a shitty apartment in a big, urban area. Hey, you know what would make way more sense as a setting for a Five Nights at Freddy’s crossover than Ponyville where you’re dating a princess? Me neither!

SC276: Actually, having the Mane Six involved in any way at this point in time breaks the premise in half. Remember that better FNAF crossover I mentioned earlier? The night guard was Rainbow Dash, and after the first night she wrote her friends immediately and got electric stun clubs for defense. And when they all arrived the day before night 5, they Rainbow Power’d the ghosts out with an author-admitted anticlimax before the shift proper even started because it’s child ghosts in animatronics against Rainbow Power. Which, y’know, blew up a Tirek high on Twilight’s alicorn magic if you forgot. Having the Mane 6 present in any capacity, especially as the loved one of the guy that’s going to be attacked by these things and especially after season 4, is literally the stupidest thing that could’ve been done for this plot.

Scarlet: Actually, you know what breaks FNAF? Fucking. Magic. Unless you come up with a plausible explanation for why a magical solution is no good against your deathbots… I’m sorry, I have more fic to riff. This is so dumb it jump-started our wall of text early!

Crazy56U: Uh… Yeah, what they all said!

But, as great as those things were in my life, they stand nowhere near where Twilight stands. She is my love and she is my life and she knows it.

Scarlet: I think the waifu-meter’s ashes have started to mutate into a new life-form after absorbing this fic’s radiation.

SC276: If it tries to satisfy our values through friendship and ponies, I request immediate termination. ...of it, of course.

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: This is all unreliable narration and Twilight actually barely stands Carl...

It is all thanks to her that I have earned everything I've gotten in my life to this point. It's thanks to her that I have these wings and a crown to wear, although I forget to wear it a lot.

Scarlet: Aaah, that explains it. Twilight made them out of glitter and paper-mache!

Crazy56U: No, he’s been stealing her stuff and claiming it as his own.

Walking through these streets of Ponyville,

Crazy56U: He walks a lonely road, the only one that he has ever known.

SC276: He doesn’t know where it goes, but it’s home to him, and he walks alone.

plenty of ponies had turned their heads over to both Twilight and myself. Surely this would make news and I could see the headlines now: Royal Couple Confirmed?

Scarlet: Well wouldn’t that be yes if you’ve been publicly dating for a while?

Crazy56U: Nope: Twilight Dates Jackass.

Trust me, I had recently gotten my wings

Crazy56U: Yeah. because you stole a spare pair from Twilight, you aren’t special.

and have actually gone out of my way to hide them for a while.

Crazy56U: Because they weren’t yours and you didn’t want Twilight kicking your ass.

I was born a unicorn so having feathered wings be magically attached to my body felt awkward. It was only recently that I had gotten used to my wings, although I hadn't attempted flying yet.

Scarlet: Hey, you know what would be a neat story to tell with an alicorn? Literally any of the struggles you just described there! You know what’s a weird story to tell with an alicorn? Fucking Five Nights at Freddy’s!

Crazy56U: Well, hey, at least it isn’t Slender...

Either way, neither Twilight nor myself let the little attention bother us as we began approaching the new restaurant. It was a decently large building and had lived up to its chrome stature.

MrSing: When I start a restaurant I want it to look like a giant toaster too.

"Freddy Fazpony's Pizzeria," Twilight read as we reached the front doors.

Scarlet: Oh, the equinity.

SC276: I’ve already gotten enough animatronic killer ponies from other fanworks…

Crazy56U: (slams head into table)

MrSing: There are no bears in Equestria. Confirmed.

Crazy56U: ...then was Fluttershy wrestling a ghost in “Lesson Zero”?

Topher: Now that’s a spoopy idea!

"An...interesting name for a giant corporation such as this," I admitted, opening the door for Twilight, letting her in first.

Scarlet: Hey, wasn’t it originally part of the lore that there was only the one Fazbear’s? Like, it failed spectacularly? And that built up some of the mystique and weirdness, because it was a crappy hole in the wall?

SC276: Yeah, originally, but then the sequels came in and it’s implied it was doing well enough with multiple locations and sister companies until, y’know, children died.

Crazy56U: ...unless this version of Friday Night Pizza hasn’t had a Bite of ‘87 yet...

An employee had opened up the secondary doors to the building for us both and introduced and greeted us both.

MrSing: There are doors inside the doors!

Crazy56U: Are you tired of real doors?

"Welcome to Freddy Fazpony's Pizzeria!" He chimed.

Crazy56U: [Employee] “Why the fuck are you here?”

Topher: [Employee] “How tough are ya?”

"Hello there," Twilight acknowledged.

"Table for two, I'm assuming, Your Highness?" The employee continued.

Scarlet: Riveting.

SC276: You know that “Highness” is actually the proper thing to call a princess or prince? Calling a king or queen that is an insult; you use “Majesty” for those.

Crazy56U: (in a faux-announcer voice) Gazemaze in gazemazement as Twilight and Carl get a table!

"If that's okay with you," Twilight giggled, aiming the joke towards me.

SC276: ...this is a Chuck E. Cheese expy, author, not a fancy sit-down. I mean, I haven’t been by the mouse’s place in years, but I seriously doubt that’s changed.

Crazy56U: The only thing that’s changed with Chuck E. Cheese is that they killed him off and replaced him with a “totally kewl” CGI-poser...

Smiling, I nodded towards the employee for the table for two request. He escorted us both to a larger table than a majority of them, hopefully not putting our titles above the other ponies that were eating here.

SC276: With great responsibilities comes great power.

Crazy56U: And thus, the secret origin of Man Spider was revealed.

MrSing: Maybe he just thinks that you are fat?

As Twilight and I both say: we may have a set of wings and a title, but that title is just a word smacked in front of our names; we are not better than anypony else.

Scarlet: It’s going to be hilarious once we get to the actual animatronic death machines, I can already tell. “I ran my princely rear, which was no better than any other pony’s, away from the terrifying machines which wished to stuff me into a suit.”

SC276: We fucking get it, author.

Crazy56U: Well… at least he’s modest...

MrSing: We put our pants on by teleporting into them just like everyone else.

Topher: I prefer to put my pants on via orbital drop.

The waiter handed us both a couple of menus and left us alone for a while to overlook what they had to offer. Instead, however, I was looking around and admiring the modern quartz design of the building.

Scarlet: Freddy Fazbear’s? I haven’t even played FNAF and even I know what the mystique of the game is built on! This is like setting Silent Hill in a brightly-lit meadow with chirping birds and a babbling brook!

SC276: Has this author ever been to a Chuck E. Cheese’s? In his life? Having a read-at-table menu is the most inaccurate fucking thing.

Crazy56U: (reads menu) $12 for Cheezy Bread, are you fucking MENTAL?!? (looks up) ...I’m sorry, what?

Not many places have designs like this because it's a harder design to pull off, but this place seemed to do that and excelled at doing it.

Twilight noticed me observing the building and commented on it. "Pretty, isn't it?"

I nodded. "It's tough to pull off a quartz design."

Scarlet: I’m just going to take this opportunity to imagine Rose Quartz bursting out of nowhere and singing “What Can I Do for You?” so as to distract myself from the fact that nothing significant has yet happened.

SC276: ~We are made of hate, and we are stronger than this fic~

Crazy56U: What is this, Kitchen Nightmares?

"I'm pretty sure it is," agreed Twilight, "Rarity would love the design of this place."

Scarlet: Rarity? Quartz? It’s only semiprecious! Learn your gems!

Crazy56U: Little did they know that Rarity was trying to get this place condemned due to how tacky it was...

"I was just thinking the same thing," I smiled before finally giving some attention to the menu. There were a lot of things to choose from, most of them being pizza related. There was a regular pie, a pepperoni pie, salad, Sicilian styled pies, and other types as well.

Scarlet: ...has this guy ever been to a Chuck E. Cheese in his life?

SC276: That’s what I’ve been asking!

Crazy56U: Has this guy confused Chuck E. Cheese with a fancy Domino’s Pizza?

MrSing: Where are the grease burgers? Or the heart attack special of the day? At least tell me that if I eat an entire place of molten cheese on meat it’s for free.

Twilight smiled and made up her mind as to what she wanted to order.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “All of the pizza. All of it.”

"I'll probably get a Sicilian pan pie," she told me, "how about you, Luny?"

Scarlet: Why are you ordering an entire pizza each? How is it that this fic is just managing to be wrong at everything? I thought we were done with that after the Pen Stroke riff!

SC276: At least Pen Stroke just screwed up with writing conventions and made everything boring. This is literally getting actual facts wrong. I’ve never seen square pizza served at anything but the really high-end Italian places around here, and that’s like the exact opposite of Fazbear’s!

Crazy56U: [Carl] “Well, gee, there’s so many opt-”

[Twilight] “Okay, you don’t want anything then?”

[Carl] “B-but-”

[Twilight] “Cool, more for me!”

Topher: I wonder what’ll happen when she finds out the similarities between pizza and quesadillas.

I smirked. "I'll probably get the same thing, Your Highness," I lightly laughed.

Crazy56U: And then Twilight, having gotten sick of his shit, punched him in the face

and left. THE END.

"What about the job application?" Twilight added.

"I'll probably ask for that as soon as- Ah, here he is now."

Scarlet: So given that we could’ve just started this story on the first night of Luny’s job, how many pages of pointless prose have we hit so far?

SC276: I have no idea, I almost never look at the original source on these things.

Crazy56U: How much do you want to bet we never get to see him work? It’ll be like that Chinese restaurant episode of Seinfeld… but from Hell itself...

"Good evening, Prince Lunar and Princess Twilight," the waiter smiled.

"Please," Twilight butted in, "you need not call us that."

Crazy56U: Yes, say that to the waiter who apparently isn’t special enough for a nam-

"If you insist, ma'am," the waiter continued, "my name is Sir Cawthon,

Crazy56U: ...wwwwwhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT?!?!

MrSing: Knight by day, children’s restaurant waiter by night.

Topher: SUBTLE, STORY. REAL. FUCKIN. SUBTLE.

the owner of this fine establishment and industry, and I'll be-"

RingmasterJ5: wait what no that it not how that works you didn’t even try to give him a pony name WHY IS HE EVEN HERE

Scarlet: I take it this is a fan rage moment?

RingmasterJ5: THIS IS THE CREATOR OF THE SERIES. And since it doesn’t seem to say anywhere that he’s specifically a pony, you might as well just assume an adult male human is just… there… as a character.

Scarlet: ...Come to think of it, wasn’t there a whole Phone Guy thing? Where the management was so distant as to be a complete non-presence?

RingmasterJ5: Oh, Phone Guy was voiced by Scott. BUT HE IS IN NO WAY SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY BE SCOTT.

SC276: ...Fuck, I didn’t even notice he was referencing Scott here, I was sidetracked by their server being the owner! Everyone knows anyway that Scott is the father of the protagonist of FNAF4 and his jerkass brother! ...FNAF4 is confusing.

Crazy56U: (brain spontaneously combusts)

Trekker: *stops for a bit* This story has one review, and it’s from a person named “madokarules”, read:

-I love how you put in the creator of FNAF, it really fits in!-

Says so much about a regular FF.net reader’s mindset. *zips away again to the plot*

"The owner?" I repeated.

"Precisely, Pri-err, sir," Sir Cawthon answered, "I'll be serving you both personally tonight."

MrSing: I don’t know why, but that sounds vaguely wrong.

Crazy56U: Aw, man, I hate that movie...

"So, if you're the owner of this incredible establishment," Twilight spoke, "that means you also handle hiring processes, correct?"

"Indeed I do, ma'am," Sir Cawthon smiled in response, "why do you ask?"

Scarlet: For stupid reasons!

SC276: So the plot moves forward quickly!

Crazy56U: [Cawthon] “Better yet, why do you care?”

Topher: *eyes drift towards the closet* -No, not yet.

"Well," I began, "I was thinking about trying out a job here, y'know, to see how this place really is."

"If that is the case, Prince," Sir Cawthon continued, looking over to me,

Crazy56U: [Cawthon] “Get the fuck out! I’d rather put up with MatPat’s shit again then hire you!”

[Carl] “...what?”

"I would be glad to hire somepony such as yourself."

Scarlet: I thought the Cupcakes Creepypasta had an intro that dragged. I had no idea what I was going to face.

SC276: Come on, I got this sound effect queued up and everything, get to the freakin’ night shift.

Crazy56U: Man, I never thought that pony-Fazbears would have lower standards than game-Fazbears...

"Oh, excellent!" Twilight beamed delightfully.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Now he can’t bum around on my couch all day!”

"I hope you don't mind working as our night guard though, Prince," Sir Cawthon continued.

"A night guard?" I curiously answered.

Scarlet: METAL GEAR?

MrSing: “Isn’t that Luna’s job already?”

Crazy56U: Well, “Animatronic Bait”, but same difference, really…

Sir Cawthon nodded. "That is the last position open that we need at this establishment. Other locations have their night guards and different positions open and available, but the nearest location from here is in Manehattan."

Scarlet: Hey, you know where else would have made a good setting for this FNAF fic? Yeah, me neither.

SC276: And it apparently gets worse from here. Joy.

Crazy56U: Couldn’t be bothered to put one in Canterlot, huh?

"And that's a bit of a hike from Ponyville," I said, looking towards Twilight.

SC276: Or a train ride. Either or.

Topher: Or a teleport, or a flight.

Crazy56U: Or a henway, really...

"So are you still up for it, Prince Lunar?"

Twilight smiled. "It's okay with me if you want to try out the night guard position. You are nocturnal after all."

Scarlet: Then why is he awake now?

MrSing: Probably because of the same infernal force that is keeping us awake during this fic.

Topher: *tosses aside giant syringe labelled “Caffeine, Coke, and just a heaping pinch of crystal meth”* Yeah, no idea how that keeps happening.

Crazy56U: (passes out onto the floor)

I smiled in response, then paid my attention towards Sir Cawthon. "I will take the job, Sir Cawthon."

He seemed delighted by my choice, shaking my hoof in the process. "Alright! You'll start tonight, if that's okay with you."

Scarlet: Suddenly, Fluttershy.

"Most certainly," I acknowledged, "I'll just aid this little one home first, then I'll start working, Sir Cawthon."

Scarlet: “Little one.” Twilight. I… I got nothing. It’s like he’s trying to invent stupid, fucked-up pet names.

SC276: She’s literally the Princess of Friendship. She can walk home by herself.

MrSing: Please stop talking about your girlfriend like she is a child. The implications, man.

"Okay," he replied, "and please, do call me Scott."

"As you wish, Scott," I spoke.

Scarlet: Thanks, Luny!

Crazy56U: (jolts awake) … ...FUCK.

Scott smiled, then proceeded to take our orders before subsiding from the table. Once he had left, Twilight and I began conversing about how interesting it was to have the owner of the industry and corporation right here in Ponyville.

Scarlet: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST START YOUR SHIFT ALREADY!

SC276: C’mon, I managed to get it up to 22 and they’re gonna start stuffing us soon if I run out of distractions.

Topher: QUICKLY! LOOK UP FNAF PORN! THERE’S NO WAY FOXY CAN IGNORE CHICA’S VOLUPTUOUS SERVOS! DO IT! I’M DEFINITELY NOT TELLING YOU TO DO THIS JUST SO THAT ON SOME SERVER SOMEWHERE IT WILL STATE THAT YOU LOOKED UP FNAF PORN!

Crazy56U: (sets all the clocks to 6AM) Maybe if we’re lucky, this will actually work...

"It is interesting, my dear," I said, "but why here?"

"What do you mean?" asked Twilight.

"Of all of his locations," I started to explain, "he chose this one, Ponyville...I wonder why..."

Scarlet: Could it be because it’s the home of two Royals? One of whom just decided to work at the establishment, thus promoting it? I’m sure that has nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Crazy56U: I think he’s subconsciously questioning why the author crossed over FNAF with FIM...

"Perhaps because it's a new location." Twilight suggested.

"I guess that could be true," I remarked, still not satisfied, "but still, he has a Manehattan location. Manehattan! The greatest city in the world!"

Scarlet: Somewhere, Coco Pommel has an inexplicable urge to bash her head into the side of a wall repeatedly.

SC276: Just Coco?

Crazy56U: Everypony in Manehattan was found dead the following day after excessive headdesking.

"That may be so," smiled Twilight, "but there are certain ponies that don't like the hustle and bustle of the city life."

Scarlet: I’m sure those ponies will be super-anxious to visit a large chain that’s going to contribute to growing urban sprawl and choke local businesses, many of which they rely on for their livelihoods!

MrSing: Capitalism, ho!

Crazy56U: Twilight is the 1%.

I laughed lightly. "Twilight Sparkle, otherwise known as the pony you can't beat in a debate."

Crazy56U: “Otherwise otherwise known as Egghead.”

"Years of practice, Luny," Twilight smiled brightly.

"Clearly, Twily," I smiled in response.

Scarlet: I think we can all agree now that the fandom was way too hard on Flash Sentry.

SC276: That’s literally because all of them were “but I dated Twilight first!”

Crazy56U: I have a feeling that, before they decided to create Carl, the Author planned on having Flash be the Mike Schmidt in this...

Moments later, Scott came back with our orders and set them down in front of us.

Crazy56U: Oh God, I actually thought they had left the restaurant by now and were on their way home, WHAT IS EVEN THE HELL?!

He gave us a warm smile, then invited us to enjoy the meals.

Crazy56U: Sarcastically, that is; he spat in their food.

Thanking him for what he's done for us, we began having our meals as Scott left to attend other things.

Crazy56U: Which is code for “went into his office to do cocaine”.

The pizza we had was some of the best pizza I've ever had before in my life! It had so much flavor packed into the pizza slices, it actually had me wanting more, to be honest. Hehe.

Scarlet: It’s a fucking Chuck E. Cheese! It should taste like grease and underpaid labor!

SC276: I’m sorta glad I don’t have very advanced taste buds or something like that...

MrSing: Guaranteed to taste like a bad decision or your money back.

Crazy56U: Maybe Twilight was born without taste buds...

Towards the end of the meal, Twilight asked how I enjoyed the meal, and I explained to her that it was the best pizza I ever had. Repeating the question to her, Twilight admitted the same thing; she loved the pizza too.

Scarlet: Please tell me we cut to the kitchen and it’s Pinkie and Cupcakes is happening. I will do anything at this point for a story.

SC276: Stop summing up the freakin’ dialogue. Own your conversation.

MrSing: No. Keep summing things up. In fact, sum the rest of the fic up in twenty words or less.

Crazy56U: This only adds credibility to my theory.

"My compliments to the chef!" I smiled brightly.

Crazy56U: And then the chef came out of the kitchen to punch him in the face.

Repeatedly. THE END.

Scott came over a little while later to check up on how we felt. He already wore a large grin upon his face, seemingly knowing that we enjoyed our meal.

Scarlet: How is this scene still happening?

SC276: The fast-forward button’s not working! *throws the remote at the fic*

Crazy56U: No, Carl, he’s fucking high on cocaine.

"How did you enjoy meals, you two?" He politely asked us.

"That was, without a doubt, the best pizza I've ever had, Scott," I answered.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “And it’s also the first I’ve ever had, so you know this is a

genuine compliment!”

"Glad to hear that!"

"Our compliments go to the chef!" Twilight added pleasantly.

MrSing: OH MY GOD! This is the same conversation about liking pizza and complimenting the chef all over again. Please MOVE THE SCENE FORWARD!

Topher: Twenty bucks says that Scott is also the chef.

Crazy56U: ...eh, just go back to my riff about the chef punching Carl and replace his name with Twilight’s. ...also, remove “Repeatedly.”

"Why, thank you, Princess Twilight," Scott smiled, "I made it myself."

Scarlet: I feel like I’m watching some kid play with his action figures, complete with all the inane dialogue.

SC276: If this was a small hole-in-the-wall establishment, I could buy that. But no, it’s a multi-restaurant chain!

MrSing: Scott: Waiter, business owner, chef. Why can’t the story be about this guy? His life sounds interesting.

Topher: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Crazy56U: ...my riffs still stand, even if they don’t make sense now.

"You are gifted in the art of pizza making then, Scott," I said.

He pointed to his cutie mark, "That's why this little guy is there."

Crazy56U: How much do you want to bet it’s painted on, like the = on Starlight

Communist...

"I suppose so," I smiled.

SC276: [Lunar] “...Whatever it is it actually is.” ...Come to think of it, we don’t have this guy’s cutie mark either. Five bucks says it’s way too freakin’ detailed.

MrSing: It’s a cease and desist from the real Scott.

Crazy56U: [Phone Guy] “Hello, hello? Uh, this needs to stop, like… right fucking now. I’m calling on behalf of the guy that voices me.”

"Well," continued Scott, "is there anything else you two need?"

Crazy56U: Less padding, more plot.

"I'm good," I looked to Twilight, "how about you?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

Scarlet: Truly, the most essential element of horror is boredom.

SC276: It looks like we’re about a third of the way through? If he doesn’t die on the first night, I’m calling bullshit.

Crazy56U: (to a nearby waiter) CHECK PLEASE!

"Well then," Scott smiled, "the meal is on the house, courtesy of me, and I'll be seeing you in a bit, Prince."

Scarlet: Now I’m bored, annoyed, and I want free pizza. This story has officially committed three sins.

SC276: *ding ding ding*

Crazy56U: You better actually be keeping count of the sins in this; I expect to see a total at the end.

"Oh, why thank you!" Twilight beamed.

"My pleasure, Princess," he replied, "I hope you have a good night."

"You too," Twilight said, lifting herself for the table.

"I'll see you in a bit, Mister Scott," I acknowledged, lifting myself as well.

MrSing: This fic features 80% recycled dialogue. Please enjoy your fics in a similar environmental friendly way.

Crazy56U: Fuck recycling, fuck the environment, fuck Al Gore, and fuck this Author!

"Remember," he told me, "your shift starts at midnight. It isn't a long shift; it will go to six o'clock."

Scarlet: Yeah sure so are you going to give him keys? Fill out paperwork? I mean, I don’t want to sit there in the room with him, but could we just mention that shit happened?

SC276: Particularly if it’s a multi-restaurant chain, oh my freakin’ god.

Crazy56U: Are you even going to ask if he has a fucking resume? Or are you so fucking high that you don’t care?

"Got it," I said, aiding Twilight out.

Topher: USE A FUCKING DICTIONARY! FOR FUCK’S SAKE! NOBODY USES “AIDING” FOR THAT ACTION! IF YOU DON’T HAVE A VOCABULARY, DON’T WRITE AS IF YOU DO! Unless you don’t speak english well, in which case please disregard- actually, no. YOU CAN STILL USE A FUCKING DICTIONARY IF YOU HAVE A BASIC GRASP OF ENGLISH!

Crazy56U: (flinches) ...holy shit, dude...

Twilight felt full and comfortable

Crazy56U: (coughs loudly)

as we left the pizzeria.

Crazy56U: (keeps coughing) Something’s caught in my- (hacks up a piece of the

waifu-meter) ...what...

Her body felt warm along the side of my body. The warm, evening summer air was wonderful and the slight breeze was very pleasant. I had escorted her home, as any colt should do to their marefriend,

Scarlet: Don’t tell me how to live my life, Luny.

SC276: We need to learn how to do that thing where Jeremy just says “Skip!” and we’re instantly over the mushy stuff.

MrSing: I’ll keep that in mind in case I ever lose it and start dating a horse.

Crazy56U: Carl, shut up, this is the first girl you’ve ever gotten to agree to date you, you’re not an expert.

and kissed her goodbye. I told her I will be back in the morning and can continue enjoying her company then.

Scarlet: I really hope he dies. Just. Foxy from nowhere… Bonnie… Clyde… Shadow the Hedgehog… I don’t know FNAF that well.

SC276: Puppet. Have him die by Puppet. It wouldn’t even be game-inaccurate.

MrSing: Heart attack by pizza has my vote.

Topher: I could let Foxy out and let him sort everyone out.. but not yet.

Crazy56U: ...he’s not going to die, is he...

"Be careful now, Luny," she told me, kissing my lips gently and lovingly, "I expect you to come back in one piece now."

Scarlet: [Twilight] “But I’ll settle for two or three.”

SC276: ~Set sail for One Piece!~

Crazy56U: I thought 4Kids was dead?!

SC276: Oh they live… in your nightmares.

I laughed, kissing Twilight back with equal amounts of love. "I expect you to be here when I get back, Princess."

Twilight giggled her sweet and innocent giggle; her heart melting giggle. "I'll still be here, Luny,"

Scarlet: We’ve secretly replaced Twilight with a stuffed animal! Let’s see if Luny can tell the difference.

Crazy56U: Oh God, don’t tell me it’s the one Spike made in that one Creepypasta...

"Good!" I smiled, preparing to leave for my new shift. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Goodnight, Lunar," Twilight replied.

"Goodnight, Twilight," I said, "sweet dreams now."

Scarlet: And he can’t! Perfect!

SC276: *squeezes Foxy plush with that little nose-squeek noise*

Topher: *Grabs Foxy plush and chucks it into the closet, slamming the door behind it* Now we’ll have two when the time comes!

SC276: *pulls out another one and hugs it* Good thing I have spares. Lots of spares.

Crazy56U: (picks up Fredbear plush) ...I’m keeping this...

I turned around and had left Twilight's home for my new shift down at the pizzeria. The cool air running against my mane felt good and livened me up just a bit. Twilight said it earlier that I am nocturnal and this is true. A pony of the night, much like myself, comes to enjoy all the features that it has to offer.

Scarlet: The part of Luny will be played by Bela Lugosi.

SC276: Who is dead, by the way, so zombie!

Crazy56U: Or, taking a cue from Plan 9 From Outer Space, we could get some random chiropractor to play Carl...

From the vast number of stars in the sky to the bright full moon, even to the calm serenity and peaceful tranquility, the night is honestly the best part to my day, and it is all thanks to my mentor, Princess Luna…well, actually, my former mentor.

Scarlet: It’s like you’re trying to bait out fan-rage.

SC276: Get to your bloody job and let them stuff you!

Crazy56U: Or, at the very least, let someone else do the narration, you clod!

That in itself is a story worth another time,

SC276: And would probably be even more freakin’ clichéd.

Crazy56U: And filled with even more padding. It would probably take 25 chapters for you to even meet Luna, I’m guessing...

since I had begun approaching the large chrome building for my shift.

MrSing: Can you just take a second and imagine that? Like, really imagine the building standing there.

Ponyville has all these neat middle-age style buildings, and even a freaking castle made out of crystals. And in the middle of the picture is just a giant big block of chrome.

It’s made of metal, so when the sun shines on it, it probably hurts to look at. Not to mention how hot it must get inside.

And this horrible building is just sitting in the middle of the town.

Something that must have looked really cool on paper, but in reality is uncomfortable, ugly, and just clashes with the world around it.

Kinda like a whole monument to this fic.

Scarlet: *applauds* Thank you. Thank you.

Crazy56U: I’m calling back to my Squidward clip, fuck it.

The entrance was still open, but I had arrived just in time. While approaching the doors, I saw Scott start locking them up. He had a discerned face while I entered into the facility, but he let it go, seeing how I was a Prince.

Scarlet: “The discerned face dropped to the floor and shattered. I stared into the void of where his face had been and knew everything I cared about was a lie. I feel so cold.”

Topher: And now it’s a Slender crossover.

Crazy56U: Well, the StrawPoll for this riff did say the shitty crossover would involve either FNAF or Slender...

Entering into the chrome building,

SC276: Does the author have any other words for the pizzaria besides “chrome” and maybe “quartz”?

Crazy56U: “Birch”, maybe...

Scott addressed me for being a bit late, but turned the other way in regards to the events. I had apologized, assuring him that I have never been late for anything in my life before

MrSing: Technically true, since this is the first responsibility he ever had in his life.

Crazy56U: Second, actually, if you count making sure he uses the bathroom...

and that time had seen to slip by a bit quicker than usual.

"It's okay, Prince Lunar," Scott told me, leading me down a darkened hallway, "things happen in life and nopony is perfect."

Scarlet: Hey, quick question- why was he late if he’s nocturnal? Answer: He’s a lazy git who can’t make it to a minimum-wage job on time!

Crazy56U: I’ll see you all in Hell.

I was wondering where exactly we were headed. The place looked a lot bigger on the inside than it did on the outside and I had not seen this section of the pizzeria before. I asked Scott politely where we were headed, but didn't need an answer as we entered into a bright room at the end of the corridor.

Scarlet: “I first realized something was wrong when I felt the prick against my neck.”

SC276: ...I just realized. We spent time in the pizzaria before now, the most excruciating several minutes of my life since my midterm earlier today, and we didn’t see a single animatronic. Are you fucking kidding me? I can’t wait to see the excuse there is for having the bots now!

MrSing: That the true horror of this fic. The quality!

Crazy56U: Oh my God...

Scott turned around and smiled at me. He handed me a small tablet thing and a large mask and told me to take a seat,

MrSing: Miraculously, this did not manage to set of any “stranger danger” alarms in his head.

Crazy56U: It was at that moment he noticed the plate of cookies on the table.

which I did in the up against the middle of the back wall. I exchanged looks between the tablet thing and the mask, then asked Scott what these two things were for.

Scarlet: “I did it in such a suave and dapper manner that if I recorded the words I actually used, you would instantly swoon away.”

Crazy56U: Well, you see- actually, no, too easy..

"Well," started Scott, "the item in your right hoof is the security cameras for the joint and the object in your left hoof is an empty Freddy Fazpony mask."

Scarlet: Oh yeah there are supposed to be animatronics in this place, aren’t there?

SC276: That’s what I’ve been asking! Also, this is FNAF2’s setup. For fuck’s sake.

Crazy56U: So, does that mean this takes place in 1987? That… that raises a lot of questions...

"What for?" I repeated.

"The cameras are meant to monitor the animatronics that are kept here."

"Animatronics?" I questioned.

Scarlet: The Patriots?

SC276: Yeah, you know, the ones that are the main reason for going to an establishment like this in the first fucking place!

Crazy56U: [Carl] “I thought those were a myth!”

Scott nodded. "Yup. They are the pride of Fazpony Entertainment and are super kid friendly.

SC276: [Scott] “Which is why they didn’t show up at all in the adult dining area.”

Topher: Sadly, if they just included this line, it would have at least been a half-decent explanation as to why they didn’t show up.

Crazy56U: As long as you don’t do something stupid, like jamming a kid headfirst into their mouths… Real talk, though, I love how that’s supposedly how the Bite of ‘87 went down...

They are allowed to walk around during the day and mean no harm."

Scarlet: Hey, remember that whole pointless dinner scene? Wouldn’t it have been a great opportunity to introduce the animatronics before setting them up as antagoni- no? Okay then, you do you fic.

Crazy56U: [Scott] “As long as they’re sober, that is… If they get drunk, and don’t even ask how that works, they just want to pick fights with the customers, really, it’s a big mess…”

"So why do they need to be monitored?" I spoke, examining the different rooms in the facility.

Crazy56U: [Scott] “They’ve been caught stealing from the kitchen after hours. Better

safe than sorry…”

"These animatronics haven't been given a proper night mode yet," Scott explained, "so they tend to wander around during the night."

Crazy56U: [Scott] “And, there’s kinda sorta maybe the off chance of them murdering

you, but hey, apples and oranges…”

"Wander around?" I repeated, putting the cameras down and staring at Scott.

Crazy56U: Yep, they just happen to wander over yonder at night… ...I’m not

apologizing...

"Yeah," Scott confirmed, "but they mean no harm."

Scarlet: Jesus, I already used the Higurashi meme once.

Crazy56U: [Scott] “Again, excluding the extremely rare chance of murder.”

[Carl] “W-why do you keep harping on th-”

[Scott] “Look, just, shut up, okay, j-just shut up.”

"So what is this for?" I asked, lifting the mask with my magic.

"That is for you to put on, should anything come in to your office."

MrSing: “This giant novelty Lincoln head will protect you from any harm.”

Topher: The Washington Nationals are now canon.

Crazy56U: Yes, the best defense against murder: cosplay!

"They come in here?" I cautiously asked.

Scarlet: “Being an alicorn prince, I was frightened that if I had to fight one, I might chip a royal hoof.”

Crazy56U: Well, they are technically employees...

"They aren't supposed to," Scott eased, "but in case they do, you can just put the mask on like so," he put the mask on in front of me, "and eventually, whatever wanders in will eventually wander its way back out."

Crazy56U: ...yeah, I’m not making the “Wander Over Yonder” joke again...

"So...how many animatronics are there?"

Scarlet: *begins humming the Pokerap beat*

Crazy56U: Well, that depends on if this is supposed to be FNAF 1 or FNAF 2… If it’s FNAF 3, then we have a lot more issues at hand, and don’t even get me started on FNAF 4...

"Let's see..." There was a long pause before Scott actually answered said question from moments ago.

Crazy56U: Which is code for “he forgot his line and had to look at the script”.

"There are ten of them, but one doesn't move and another won't move as long as a music box is kept wound throughout the night."

Scarlet: ~Catch ‘em, catch ‘em, gotta catch ‘em all!~

SC276: Oh my god, it is fucking FNAF2. And Scott doesn’t even give the explanation why the animatronics are coming towards you that doesn’t involve them being haunted.

Crazy56U: [Scott] “Yeah, for some reason, he has this weird jack-in-the-box motif about him, it’s weird…”

"Music box?"

Scarlet: “Yup. Just don’t wind it until his third stage or you could trigger it early.”

Crazy56U: [Carl] “Wait, wait, wait, hold on, flag on the play… You managed to create music… in box form?! ...what kind of sorcery to you practice, sir?!”

[Scott] “God, I want to hit you…”

Scott took the cameras and hit one of them in a room that seemed far from here. He pointed to a little box on the camera that said "tap to wind music box."

MrSing: And you thought this job would save you from quick time events.

Crazy56U: [Scott] “I also invented the touch-pad camera! Ain’t I swell?”

Giving the cameras back to me,

Crazy56U: All of them. All of the cameras. All of the cameras in existence. Scott is the

God of Cameras.

he explained that a music box was wired remotely to be wound up and keep one animatronic at bay.

Scarlet: Why the hell would you have such a needlessly-elaborate device? Why not put the box in the room with the night guard?

SC276: Because then the Puppet can’t hear it, obviously. The original explanation was that a musical device was set up away from the guard because the company thought they were moving towards sound ‘cause that’s where the customers were. Of course, the author completely neglects to mention it.

Topher: And even in the original game, no one explains why a restaurant full of revolutionary robotics can’t rig up a system to wind it automatically.

Crazy56U: Well, then again, FNAF 2 does take place in a world where super-advanced animatronics with facial-recognition software and high definition tablet computers existed in fucking 1987...

"...as for the others," he continued, "they aren't affected by the music box."

MrSing: “They only care for pop music. But I won’t play that drivel in my restaurant. I have standards!”

Topher: Well I’m glad that somebody does!

Crazy56U: [Scott] “Unless you hit them hard enough over the head with it, but then you’ve pretty much fucked yourself over…”

"Okay," I said, feeling a bit uneasy now.

SC276: Just you?

Crazy56U: Don’t worry, Carl, it’s probably just gas...

"Don't worry about a thing," Scott assured me, "they are tied into local databases and can detect a predator a mile away. They won't hurt you if you don't hurt them."

Scarlet: Wait what? Something eats animatronics?

Crazy56U: [Scott] “That didn’t sound like I was lying through my teeth, right?”

[Carl] “Wha-”

[Scott] “Perfect! Time to go to work!”

"By 'them,'" I hinted, "what exactly are we talking about?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well," I continued, "what type of animatronics are they all? Are they different? Are they the same? Which ones are more aggressive? Which ones are more passive?"

Scarlet: “I’m compiling information for my walkthrough!”

Crazy56U: [Carl] “Are they capable of knowing how to love?”

[Scott] “...please God don’t tell me you want to fuck the animatronics…”

"A lot of questions for a royal pony," joked Scott,

MrSing: Yeah, because royalty doesn’t ask questions? What?

Crazy56U: Scott has clearly gotten sick and tired with Carl’s shit.

looking towards the time, "it's almost time for me to leave,

Crazy56U: [Scott] “It’s time for me to go and do another line of coke, you see…”

but I'll answer that one last question you had. The animatronics include: Freddy Fazpony, the furry and friendly Earth pony and the face of this fine establishment, Chica the Pegasus, a very attractive Pegasus, Bonnie the Bunny, an...interesting character,

Crazy56U: And the only one to still be the same animal they were in the games...

Foxy the Griffon,

Crazy56U: Case in fucking point.

the fastest of them all, then there are the newly design animatronics."

Scarlet: “Very attr-” ..I’ve seen Chica. What. Wha… I… why.

SC276: Toy Chica I could understand, but regular-brand? No.

Scarlet: ...I suppose I’ve got a massive crush on a fish-woman after my last gaming obsession, so I will avoid throwing stones.

Topher: Ruto? Really? Everyone knows the Zora king is the hot one!

Scarlet: ...wrong games entirely, and now I know more about you than I ever needed to. So about the same as before, really.

Crazy56U: It’s the bib, isn’t it...

"Those you just mentioned," I spoke, "they are…?"

Crazy56U: ...animatronics, Carl, are you really that fucking dense?

"They're the older models and they shouldn't move around throughout the night." Scott answered.

Crazy56U: [Scott] “Definitelynotlyingthroughmyteethhere. (cough) Who said that?”

"They're in the "Parts and Services" room right now as spare parts for the newer animatronics."

Scarlet: Then why did you just mention them?

SC276: And why didn’t you say they probably wouldn’t move instead of just one that I can’t even think of what wouldn’t move except maybe BB. This is literally painful to read.

MrSing: Just don’t think about it. The author sure didn’t.

Crazy56U: I have the saddest feeling that the author is skimming the background info so that he could get the story done faster… Which, given the massive amount of padding, means he is not fucking self aware in any sense...

"Why's that?"

"Well, they were from the old owner of the corporation and they've been in service for many years." Scott chuckled. "I've decided to retire them and use them as backups."

Scarlet: Then why are they in your brand-new location?

Crazy56U: The cocaine must’ve really fucked with Scott’s brain… All that Fazpony cash just fuels his addictions...

"Seems like a legitimate reason." I acknowledged.

Crazy56U: [Carl] “And I’m the God of reason, so clearly I know what that means…”

"Precisely."

Scarlet: No. No it doesn’t. Stop lying, story. I don’t like liars.

SC276: I fucking hate this fic. This guy clearly hasn’t watched like a single Let’s Play of this series and is only doing something vaguely based on it for the attention.

Crazy56U: Hell, even if it was one of PewDiePie’s Let’s Plays he got info from, this would be a lot better...

"So if they're out of commission," I continued, "who are the animatronics that I'll need to watch over?"

Scarlet: Please no more exposition.

MrSing: Maybe if they talk long enough the robots will activate and kill them.

Crazy56U: (looks at watch) ...either my watch is broken, or it’s 5AM and they’re been talking all night… (taps watch) ...probably the first thing...

"Those that have the same name," Scott smiled, "aside from the last one."

"What do you mean?"

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, now Scott has to explain how names work...

"Well," he continued, "you'll be looking over what I call Toy Freddy Fazpony, Toy Chica the Pegasus, Toy Bonnie the Bunny, Mangle, or, as she's officially known, Toy Foxy the Griffon, and Balloon Filly.

SC276: Filly is the female children, author.

Topher: Plot twist, Balloon *groan* Filly is just Pinkie Pie. Also, this is so lazy the author didn’t even bother to TRY and change Bonnie.

Crazy56U: Hey now, in this universe Foxy’s a griffon. Having a Balloon Filly instead of a Balloon Colt isn’t that insulting...

They are all the animatronics that are currently in commission and would be the ones moving around throughout the night."

Scarlet: I have never felt less apprehensive in my life.

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure you could take all of the padding that is stuffed in this story and make, like, 100 Foxy plushes out of it...

"I see."

"Any more questions?" Scott asked.

SC276: Can we move to a better story now that respects its fucking source material?

Crazy56U: I swear to fucking god, if Carl-

"Uh, not at the current moment, no." I replied.

Crazy56U: Good. He’s learning...

"Well," continued Scott, starting to leave through the back exit, "your shift starts now and I wish you the bet of luck," he chuckled,

MrSing: “Hehehe, this chump is actually falling for it.”

Crazy56U: “[T]he bet of luck”. The Gods of fate are betting money on whether this clod survives or not...

then continued again, "but you'll do fine, I just know it."

Scarlet: What did I just tell you about lying, fic? You get one more strike. And then…

Crazy56U: Scott is now praying that he dies, isn’t he...

"Thank you," I smiled.

"Okay, your replacement will be here at six to take over for you," Scott told me, "goodnight and I'll speak to you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Scott," I said as Scott left through the back door.

SC276: Finally!
12:00 AM | NIGHT 1

Trekker: *comically stops and ignores all inertia* I’m here.

MrSing: You missed literally nothing.

Topher: TREKKER! YOU HAVE INTENTIONALLY SKIPPED A PORTION OF A STORY! THE PUNISHMENT IS DEATH. *Slams Trekker’s head into a bear trap, ripping out part of his brain*

Trekker: *slowly regenerates* I’m made of NERDINESS!! YOU CAN’T KILL ME! Why? NANOMACHINES AND BAD FANFIC, SON!

Crazy56U: ...it took about 2/5ths of the story to reach this point... The. FUCK.

The door locked behind me as he left for the evening. I looked towards my left and right and noticed two small air vents.

SC276: Those animatronics are about seven feet tall, even in real life. Those are not small.

Trekker: Remember, he considered Twilight “little”. He has no sense of scale.

MrSing: “My moderately sized pony, my moderately sized pony-”

Crazy56U: And he also noticed that a deadly neurotoxin was pouring out of them...

Above each vent, there was a button and, above each of those buttons, there was small text that read "LIGHT" in big, bold letters.

Scarlet: This is the worst Let’s Play I’ve ever experienced.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, at least Carl isn’t screaming every 5 seconds...

SC276: You think the owner would’ve freakin’ mentioned those. ...And I just remembered Scott forgot to give him a flashlight. He is guaranteed to die by Foxy.

Trekker: I’m going to give Foxy the Arcadia so he can finish it faster.

"I wonder what they lead to," I told myself, then glanced at the cameras, noticing that, in the bottom right of it, there was a map of the entire facility and a small room that let me know where I was in the entire place.

Scarlet: So, hey, you know what would’ve been a great idea? Establishing some of the layout earlier, so you don’t have to waste our time with it now!

MrSing: No time! Brace for exposition!

Trekker: Shields up, Red Alert! Arming catchy music to pass the boredo-TROMBE!!

Crazy56U: I’m sorry, but after the prospect of a map was brought up, my mind immediately jumped to this.

I looked through each room, coming across various places that I hadn't seen with Twilight earlier. It seemed that the majority of this place was kid friendly, as per Scott's words earlier in the night.

SC276: And the adults only see the sit-down fancy-pancy part that doesn’t match at all because why now?

Trekker: Oh Oh, I know! It’s Plot, isn’t it!?

Crazy56U: I once again bring up the possibility of Carl being an unreliable narrator. It probably was a Chuck E. Cheese-type set-up, but Carl thought it was swanky as shit since he was never inside one before...

There was various party rooms, the Parts and Services room Scott showed me, a few restrooms, something call the "Show Stage," a place call "Kid's Cove," and a "Game Room."

Scarlet: Also a “Kitchen” and a “Dining Area”.

SC276: Don’t mix the maps, author. Don’t you mix the fucking maps on me. You shall invoke rage.

Crazy56U: He’s gonna mix up all of the games, I’m betting. And I’ll be fine with that if Springtrap pops in and snaps Carl’s neck and ends this.

Scott had told me that Freddy, Chica, and Bonnie were all upon the "Show Stage," so that was where I checked first. There they were; three unusually creepy creatures just staring into a blank abyss.

Scarlet: And those are exactly the three he said wouldn’t be active, since you didn’t specify the ‘toy’ bit! I’m going to count that as half a lie, story! Just one little bit more…

SC276: Actually, he specified the Toys. He just decided to mention the ones that wouldn’t move first because reasons. Also, I just realized that Freddy and Chica are in fact not anthropomorphic animals and I’ve got Golden Freddy’s head on a slingshot all ready for you.

Scarlet: I was going to go with the Seven Stakes, but your plan sounds more thematic. Let’s do that!

I stared at them, yet they stared elsewhere in the facility towards a spot I could not see.

MrSing: This staring contest sucks.

Crazy56U: The exit.

Pretty soon, I began seeing a yellow exclamation point surrounded by a white and yellow triangle positioned right next to Camera 11, the "Prize Counter."

Scarlet: Oh, no a guard must have been alerted! Quick, into your box!

Trekker: !

Crazy56U: Makes me wish I actually played Metal Gear Solid...

"What's this?" I asked myself before checking to see what was wrong. Hitting the area where the camera was located, I noticed that the music box wasn't making any sound; the dial had run out of power.

Scarlet: Please tell me he gets killed.

SC276: ~It stopped, short, never to go again when the old man died...~

Crazy56U: [muffled “Pop Goes the Weasel” playing in the distance]

Remembering what Scott told me, I wound the music box back up and began hearing the calm and creepy sound from the music box once more.

SC276: Only the fact he doesn’t have a flashlight is how he doesn’t know the Puppet exists yet.

Crazy56U: Flashlights are for chumps.

Opting to check the stage again, I had noticed that one of them was missing!

Scarlet: Oh my god, the wandering animatronics wandered. I’m shocked.

Crazy56U: You know what, screw it.

"Wa-where did you go?" I asked nopony in particular.

I had begun spastically checking the other rooms and noticed that they were all empty, except the last room I checked: Party Room #3.

SC276: Always the last place you look.

MrSing: Why do we have three Party Rooms but only one toilet?

Topher: Ah! Sims logic I see!

Crazy56U: This Fazbears has a classy eating area despite being a shitter Chuck E. Cheese. Clearly logic need not apply here.

"Ah! Whoa!" I shouted.

There, staring into the camera was a creepy blue bunny - Bonnie. He had what appeared to be a guitar in his hooves and was just standing there, watching me, menacing look in his robotic eyes.

Scarlet: ...Again. This is the worst text Let’s Play of all time.

SC276: Walking Alice into the wall!

MrSing: Play Freebird!

Topher: It’s a bunny, but it has hooves. Effort? What's that?

Crazy56U: SWEET CHILD O’ MINE!

Just then, the notification for the music box came back on and dragged me away from Bonnie. I wound the music box back up, then immediately went back to Party Room #3 to check on Bonnie, only to find that he wasn't there.

MrSing: Ladies and gentlemen, Bonnie has left the building.

Crazy56U: I can see it now on Youtube... “Game Theory: Bonnie is Elvis?!?”

"Where'd you go!?" I asked nopony, putting down the cameras and checking down the hall with a light spell, seeing Bonnie run across the hall. "Ah-ha! What the flying-!?"

Scarlet: Wait, hold on- you can use magic efficiently? That wrecks the entire- GAAAHHHH.

SC276: Well I suppose that explains the flashlight, but it doesn’t explain how he’ll eventually be able to see in the darkness of the rooms, or why Scott didn’t mention it before now.

Trekker: Plotholes galore.

Crazy56U: Glad to know what author decided to base his story off of swiss cheese.

I went back to the cameras and noticed that Bonnie ran across the hall into the other room, Party Room #4.

MrSing: Don’t let the name fool you, it was only for the congressional party.

Crazy56U: Aw, man, Party Room #4 sucks, it has those shitty chairs and smells like death...

Checking directly into that room, I was greeted to an unpleasant sight when Bonnie's entire face covered the camera. It made me jump out of my seat and almost chuck the cameras in general when something else grabbed my sight.

Scarlet: “Literally, it grabbed my eyeballs and ripped them out. I felt the embrace of darkness and oblivion.”

SC276: That’s Flumpty’s, actually.

Trekker: I wish Flumpty was in this. Egg vs Alicorn, now that’s awesome.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, John Cena.

Up in the top right corner of the cameras, there was a counter that read "Night 1" and, right below that, a time counter that currently read "2 AM."

"Two hours down," I told myself, "four more long ones to go."

Scarlet: Halfway there. I’m filled with DETERMINATION.

Trekker: And I’m filled with boredom.

Crazy56U: Glad to know you’re living on a prayer, Scarlet...

The notification for the music box came back on again and dragged me away, yet again, to rewind the music box back up, which I did.

MrSing: :Repeat 0

:statement(If there is one thing that’s scary, it’s repetition.)

:End

I did it. I wrote the scariest story ever.

Crazy56U: Huh, that is scary… (dies of a heart attack)

But when I went back to check up on the room Bonnie was in, it had read "Signal Interrupted" up at the top of the camera.

Scarlet: By the way, is nobody else going to ask how these cameras work or what kind of battery they run on?

SC276: Better battery than FNAF1, that’s for sure.

MrSing: I would, but I’m afraid there will be more exposition.

Crazy56U: (regenerates) And Lord knows we don’t need more padding...

"Interrupted?" I asked myself. "What happ-?"

Before I could finish, signal was restored back inside the room, showing that Bonnie was no longer in the room.

Scarlet: oh my god no i didn’t expect that at all aaahhhh.

Crazy56U: Bonnie left to go on a smoke break.

"Where'd you go now?" I sighed., flipping through the different rooms until I had reached one that said "Party Room #2."

Scarlet: He sounds like a frustrated babysitter.

SC276: I don’t have the exact arrangements of the party rooms memorized, but yeah, I know where this is going. And wondering why Toy Chica hasn’t come out to play yet.

Trekker: Maybe she’s bored of this shite, too.

Crazy56U: Also on a smoke break. I don’t blame them...

Inside the second party room, I was greeted to, once again, Bonnie the Bunny. This time, he was crawling on the floor in the room and was entering a vent!

Scarlet: OH MY G- wait I have no idea why that’s significant.

MrSing: Don’t worry guys, he just needs to vent a little.

I’ll let myself out.

Crazy56U: Take me with you.

"What are you doing!?" I shouted, only to be answered by a loud thumping sound coming from my right vent.

Scarlet: oh no what shock.

Crazy56U: It’s the beating of Bonnie’s hideous heart! ...wait, the toy animatronics don’t have kids stuffed in them...

I had started to get paranoid.

Crazy56U: And the Carl puts on a tin foil hat.

Between Bonnie and myself, there was only one camera left, which I switched to and was unable to see anything; that is, until I saw a robotic arm crawling towards me.

MrSing: Great, one of the spare parts got loose again.

Crazy56U: At least it’s not a leg...

"Dear Celestia!" I shouted, exiting the cameras to put the mask Scott gave me over my face and muzzle.

Scarlet: “I then posed and shouted ‘It’s Morphing Time!’ before transforming into Fazman!”

Crazy56U: When in doubt, cosplay.

I couldn't see anything and breathing was a hard thing to do, but I stood inside this mask for a while. A few minutes later, the lights had begun flickering and, right in front of me, Bonnie had moved through the room!

Scarlet: Wow you survived oh my gosh this is amazing wooo.

MrSing: How great would it be if he just died here and the rest of the fic was the robots faffing about?

Crazy56U: Oh, crap! BONNIE CAN WALK!!!

"AH, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?"

Scarlet: More fic. I know, I’m disgusted as well.

SC276: I would think that’d give him away. Cursing has to be as much against the rules of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza as it is for an animatronic to not have its suit.

Crazy56U: Movement, dipshit.

The room went dark then, slowly, the lights began coming back on, but not before I began hearing another thumping sound coming from my left vent.

Scarlet: I’m going to take a wild guess and say it’s not going to be anything remotely exciting.

SC276: Hah! Knew Toy Chica wasn’t just sitting around.

Crazy56U: Oh crap, it’s the leg!!!

Scared, but determined to make it through the night,

Scarlet: ...hey, Scott never actually mentioned that they’ll kill him, did he?

SC276: They don’t tell you those sorts of things at orientation.

Crazy56U: Pity. Maybe if he did, Carl would’ve quit on the spot and this shit would be done by now.

I opened up my cameras, wound up the music box slightly, then checked out the left vent, noticing another robotic arm nearing me. I placed the cameras down and looked over towards the vent, noticing, once again, the "LIGHT" button above the vent opening.

Crazy56U: Let there be light! That’s, uh… God. I was quoting God.

Using my magic, I grabbed something that could push the button and activate the light in the vent,

SC276: Why he couldn’t magically move the button itself, I’ll never know.

Crazy56U: Carl’s a dumbass, we’ve established this.

only to notice that, staring at me directly from the vent, Chica the Pegasus was almost inside the room!

Scarlet: Ermagerd i’m shocked and GOD this game seems really boring to watch someone else play. Or this guy is terrible at describing it.

SC276: The latter. Depends on the voice with the webcam playing it, but it’s better to watch.

Scarlet: Also wait hold on was I supposed to be scared that robo-pegasus here can kill an alicorn?

Trekker: Judging by the author’s intellect, yes, yes you were supposed to.

MrSing: Alicorns are weak to metal. It’s one of their racial traits, read the manual.

Crazy56U: Dude… Nobody reads the manual.

I quickly put the mask back over my face and waited for something to happen,

MrSing: Wait a minute, how does he put the mask on over his horn?

Crazy56U: He stabbed it through the mask.

but the only thing that I heard was some more thumping sounds, these sounding like they were sounds that were getting farther from my position.

I took a chance and took off my mask and pushed the button again, revealing that Chica had gone away. I briefly collected some much needed breaths of relief, then went back to the cameras, which now read "4 AM."

Scarlet: It’s barely been a scene. I guess the author’s making up for lost time.

MrSing: It still felt like two hours though.

Crazy56U: Really? ...felt like 6 for me...

"God," I groaned,

MrSing: [God]: Wrong universe, nerd!

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, he’s as bored as we are...

"this night is lasting so long! I just wanna go home!"

Crazy56U: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

The notification for the music box started up again, so I checked it and wound it all the way back up, noticing that the time now was "5 AM."

SC276: Gheeze, that’s fast, even for this game.

MrSing: It’s almost like the author got sick of writing the actual cross over part of this cross over.

Crazy56U: Now he cuts out the fucking padding?!?!

"It took me an hour to fully wind that thing up?" I questioned. "And it desecrates within minutes? What kind of-?"

Scarlet: He’s been trapped in a time paradox!

Crazy56U: Great Scott... ...how long until it erases him from existence?

Thumping sounds came from the right vent again, meaning that Bonnie was making a second trip around to see me again.

Scarlet: Which didn’t matter in the end, because if the animatronics don’t kill him I will.

Trekker: I wish I was a witch. I could’ve gone Homura on this royal horseshit!

Crazy56U: ... (quietly slides Scarlet $50) Do it.

The thumps were getting louder and closer,

MrSing: If the vent’s a rocking, don’t come a knocking.

Crazy56U: And now the rest of the limbs have come out to play.

so I exited the cameras and put the mask back on, turning and facing the vent.

"Come on," I spoke through the mask, "show yourself."

SC276: Bring it on, big rock.

MrSing: Can you smeeeell! What the Rock! Is cooking?

Crazy56U: [Carl] “Olly olly oxen free!”

Bonnie must have heard my request because not even seconds had passed before the lights had started flickering and Bonnie himself strolled through the room. This time around, I was prepared and was not scared.

Scarlet: “I only widdled myself a little bit!”

Crazy56U: ...ew?

When the lights came back on, I took the mask off and noticed that the time in the upper right of the cameras I had gone back in to now read "6 AM."

Scarlet: So there’s going to be a sub-plot where Twilight studies the time anomaly, right?

SC276: *loudly hums the Westminster chimes and throws confetti in the air*

Topher: Yaaaay.

Crazy56U: Finally.

"Thank god..." I sighed, hearing the door shake behind me.

Crazy56U: ...that was only Night 1… ...there’s four more nights to go... ...here’s how I

currently feel right now:

Topher: I need an adult. Several adults. With guns. The national guard. I need the national guard.

The door was opened and there stood my replacement. She was a small Pegasus mare and seemed to know what she was doing.

SC276: In the exact opposite way of the author’s writing style.

Crazy56U: But, then again, that goes for everyone else in existence.

Upon entering the room, she asked me how things were.

Scarlet: Once again, words redacted to avoid swooning readers.

Crazy56U: And then Carl broke down in tears.

"Do they normally attack the guards?" I asked, handing over my equipment to the mare.

She laughed. "Who came to visit you?"

Scarlet: Nobody exciting. Just killer death robots.

SC276: IT WAS ME.

Scarlet: SC, you say Dio and I’m going to inflict great pain…. on this story.

SC276: I was going with a play on the FNAF arc words, “IT’S ME,” but if you want to pain up the story, don’t let me stop you.

Scarlet: I’m saving up something special.

Trekker: IT WAS ME ALL ALONG, AUSTIN!

MrSing: Aw, sonovabitch!

Crazy56U: “Yes, I am the mastermind behind this whole thing. I am... I am... Craig!”

"Bonnie and Chica." I answered. "But it seemed to be more than a simple 'visit.'"

"Don't worry, Your Majesty," the Pegasus smiled, "you'll get used to them."

SC276: You know the reason they stop being lethal at 6 AM is because that’s when their day mode starts? Yeah, this fic won’t tell you that either.

Crazy56U: Well gee, the way you put it like that, you make it sound like the author’s kinda shit! Well I never...

That's assuming that I stay there.

SC276: And assuming we keep reading.

Crazy56U: I’m seriously tempted to start skimming...

I thought as I left my shift and started heading back to Twilight's home.

"That was the scariest thing I've done in a while," I told myself as I walked down the street and trough the crisp, cool morning air.

Scarlet: Roll the “Spooky, Scary Skeletons” clip.

Crazy56U: Roger dodger.

SC276: A trough of chicken feed.

I decided to go for a little walk before heading back to Twilight's home

SC276: Doesn’t this guy have a place of his own yet?

Crazy56U: No. He’s homeless. Guy like him? Yeah, he has no place of his own.

and ended up stopping at the local coffee shop

MrSing: Nothing like blazing it at 6 AM.

and picking up a copy of today's edition of the Ponyville Express.

The headlining story of the Express intrigued me a lot. The story: Local Restaurant Chain Being Investigated.

SC276: What did Pinkie put in the cupcakes now?

MrSing: No, they are investigating an actual chain at an restaurant. Those things need to meet safety standards.

"Interesting," I told myself as I gave the clerk two bits for the Express.

Scarlet: Stop. Describing. Every. Inane. Action.

MrSing: This is tedious, I commented as I read the story and wrote down words using my keyboard.

I tucked the paper away and proceeded back towards Twilight's home. Hopefully she was awake and I could tell her all about my frightening experiences the last six hours of my life.

SC276: That’s not a complete sentence, author.

One day down…one long and exhilarating day…

SC276: Fucking tell us about it.

The morning air felt good against my mane and I wanted to enjoy it a little bit more, but i ultimately decided to head over to Twilight's home and see how she was.

SC276: You were already heading there.

As a royal pony, she was expected to be awake by now for any royal duties that may pop their (dreadful) heads into circulation.

MrSing: They’ve got about five to six rulers and no one gets to sleep in every now and then? That’s politics for ya.

Approaching the front door to her home, I gently knocked on it and pretended to be somepony else, expecting her to open the door.

SC276: Does the author forget that, unless the description mentioned it and Ring didn’t tell us, it’s impossible for Twilight’s home to be anything besides the giant castle?

"Who is it?" called a male voice. The voice belonged to Spike, so I wasn't scared; Twilight would never cheat on me.

SC276: She doesn’t have enough personality left for that.

Scarlet: Well, of course she wouldn’t cheat on you. After all, you’re not canon. You know who is? Flash Mother-flippin’ Sentry! *listens to the fic’s screams of rage*

MrSing: R.I.P in pieces, Luny.

"Delivery for Princess Twilight!" I answered back playfully.

Spike opened up the door and spotted me. Smiling and laughing slightly, he played along with the joke.

Scarlet: He had no choice, as his will had been subsumed by the eldritch horror that was “Luny” long ago.

Trekker: Wait, so it wasn’t “Loony”? I thought that’s what Twilight’s been calling him!

"Seems like the package is all in order," he joked,

SC276: This package is so out of order, it needs to be behind the curtain in Pirate Cove.

Scarlet: ...I got that joke. Huh. Maybe your FNAF enthusiasm is rubbing off on me by proxy.

MrSing: Return to sender please.

"Twilight is in her room. I assume you know where that is."

"Most definitely," I laughed, "thank you, Spike."

"Anytime, Lunar," he smiled as I entered Twilight's home.

Scarlet: Behind his smiling facade, Spike plotted escape. Plotted revenge.

I took the right turn immediately after walking up the stairs in the main foyer and made my way towards Twilight's room. Trust me, it might be a big house - formally, a castle - but once you know where everything is, it's pretty easy to navigate through.

SC276: If it’s a castle, why haven’t you been calling it a castle the entire freakin’ fic? I would think “castle” would trump “house” as an accurate descriptor!

MrSing: Psh, royalty! Amiright?

"I don't think she'll believe me when I tell her what happened to me last night," I said out loud to myself.

Scarlet: I mean it’s not like she constantly encounters magic or anything.

MrSing: “But I know I’ll always believe myself. Right, me? Right.”

I have been known to have that problem recently - speaking my thoughts out loud. They aren't negative thoughts, but when somepony overhears me talking to myself…let's just say they view me slightly differently.

SC276: Buddy, I read dialogue in novels and such out loud. I have no sympathy for you.

The door to Twilight's room was open and as I approached the open crystallized door,

SC276: I love how the front door is birch while the inner doors are fancy hard stuff.

MrSing: Soft on the outside, crunchy on the inside.

I saw Twilight leaving her room and walking down the hall in the opposite direction. I decided to call out to her as if I were a regular citizen.

Scarlet: Why would you do that.

SC276: Because romance, I don’t fucking know.

MrSing: “But I’m not above the normal crowd. I’m a regular pony, just like all you lowly plebs.”

"Your Highness!" I called, grabbing her attention.

"Hmm?" I heard her say as she turned around. "What do we have here?" She smiled.

"Your Highness!" I called again, bowing to her in the process as I got closer.

"What is it, fine subject?" Twilight playfully replied, but she tried to be more serious than playful, trying to keep her royal status self in tact.

Scarlet: If this leads to kinky roleplay sex I am out.

SC276: Where’s night 2 already?!

"Something's happened to the Prince." I spoke, looking up at her beautiful, lilac colored eyes.

"What happened?" Twilight smirked, though she wanted to keep a straight face more than anything.

"Well," I continued, playfully being nervous, "I hope you forgive me, but he wanted me to give you this."

"Give me wh-?"

Scarlet: No you don’t-

Topher: “GIVE YOU THE DONG!”

Crazy56U: [Cajun Pumpkin] “Give me the fish!”

Twilight was unable to finish her question as I embraced her lips with mine slowly, lovingly, passionately, and perfectly.

Scarlet: Fic if you go one base further there is going to be hell to pay.

SC276: I took the time to load three more slingshots with Golden Freddy heads. ...OK one of them is just a Toy Freddy head dipped in gold paint, it was hard enough getting the other two.

Scarlet: I’ll improvise.

Trekker: Okay, I’m out of stamina. I’m OUT!

Crazy56U: [Cajun Pumpkin] “No! I don’t want that!”

She did the same and we embraced in affectionate exchanging for what seemed like forever, but turned out to be a few minutes.

SC276: That’s because of all the long overdone descriptions!

MrSing: It’s already 5 PM again.

When we pulled away from each other, our eyes were locked together and half-shut, but nothing was said for a long time. Finally, Twilight broke the silence.

Scarlet: By hitting it with a sledgehammer!

SC276: [Twilight] “I’LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMAR!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Give me the butter.”

"Welcome home, my Prince," she whispered to me, smiling in the process.

"How'd you sleep, my Princess?" I whispered in response, smiling back as well.

Scarlet: Do I have to start doing the Zepar/Furfur from Umineko thing? Because fucking nobody is going to get that!

SC276: Get a room! Preferably nowhere near us!

MrSing: I heard there is still room in hell.

"It was empty without you," she admitted, "and I dreamt about you the entire time."

SC276: That’s because you’ve already been reprogrammed by his Stu-aura.

"How sweet," I replied, "and I'm sure Princess Luna enjoyed your dream for a change. Normally," I approached her and kissed her horn, "that's my job."

Scarlet: ...Is he implying his mentor would have enjoyed watching whatever dreams Twilight was having about him oh god what why no!

"I know, Luny," she giggled, "and I hope she did."

"I know she did."

"How was your shift at the pizzeria last night?" She asked me, turning and walking down the hall with me by her side.

"Uhh," I started, coughing slightly, "it was…stressful."

SC276: You telling me, we had to read the whole thing.

MrSing: Can we get hazard pay?

Topher: You must be new here.

"What do you mean?" Twilight asked me as we entered into her throne room, as per her morning routine. "Why was it stressful?"

"Let's just say that there were 'things' trying to pay me a visit during the night." I answered.

"Things?" repeated Twilight.

"Yeah," I said, "animatronics."

"Animatronics?" She questioned.

Scarlet: Psycho Mantis?

"Yeah," I confirmed, "we didn't see them when we went yesterday,

SC276: For some reason.

but apparently they are kid friendly and this set of animatronics is a fresh batch, so they have some kinks in their systems.

MrSing: Killing Alicorn OC’s isn’t a bug, it’s a feature.

Scott told me that the face of the franchise is Freddy Fazpony, an Earth pony animatronic."

SC276: Who they should’ve seen on the fucking logo, if he’s the fucking face!

"How interesting!" Twilight admired. "Animatronic robots! In Ponyville no less! I have to see how they are programmed!"

Scarlet: ...Hey that’s an actual good question. How the fuck are there robots in Equestria?

SC276: The good fic I mentioned earlier had them as “magical dolls” or something like that. It made a point that they were magically enchanted to move. It even makes more sense than real-life animatronics walking around.

"You'll have to ask Scott that," I said, "but I think they're trying to kill me…"

"Why do you say that?" Twilight asked me.

SC276: [Twilight] “It’s not like the fic has given any indication of the actual consequences the game explains.”

"Well for one, Scott said they're kid friendly,

MrSing: That does explain why they want to kill you.

but I see nothing friendly about those animatronics if they interrupt the camera signal and crawl in the vents to reach me in my office." I paused to catch my breath. "And another thing, Scott said they were never given a proper night mode and could detect a predator a mile away."

Scarlet: Which still begs the question of what the fuck is eating robots!

SC276: About that, in FNAF2, the bots have facial recognition and connections to a database of criminals. That was ported over to this fic so poorly.

MrSing: Aren’t some of the friendly races predators? And what about Applejack’s dog? That’s a carnivore. This whole thing is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

"Sounds like they should be the ones who should be watching you." Twilight joked.

SC276: I think the Phone Guy actually made that joke in-game. ...In fact, yeah, he did.

Crazy56U: [Phone Guy] “Hello, hello? Uh, I’m suing… Just an FYI…”

Topher: ZOMGTWILIGHTPURPLEMANISPHONEGUYILLUMIMORTYCONFIRMED!

Crazy56U: ...Illumimorty?

"Yeah," I sarcastically replied, "they'll watch me when they kill me!"

"Oh come on, Lunar," Twilight sighed, "be reasonable!"

"What's to be reasonable?" I asked. "My life or them killing me?"

Scarlet: How the fuck do you know they want to kill you? Scott never once said they would! You just came up with that shit on your own! For all you know they want to give you a hug!

"It was just one day," she continued, "try the job out for one week and see if you don't like it by then…unless you don't think you can last a week. Is that it?"

"I can so last a week there!" I confidently replied. "Is that a bet, my dear?"

Scarlet: “I think they’re going to kill me!” “I bet you that you’re just scared.” “OH YEAH THEN I’LL SPEND A WEEK AND PROVE I’M NOT”. Twilight and Luny are apparently five.

SC276: That’s your justification for five nights at Freddy’s, author? Not the paycheck?

"If you can't last a week there," Twilight smirked, "then you have to go around Ponyville wearing a dress in front of everypony to see."

SC276: Plus you’ll be dead.

MrSing: She never said he had to be alive while doing it.

"And if I do make it a week," I chuckled, "then you have to wear whatever Pinkie Pie and myself think of in front of Ponyville for everypony to see!"

Scarlet: [Twilight] “And I’m thinking crossplay!”

MrSing: [Lunar] “You’ll have to be, like, huhu, naked.”

[Twilight] “We’re always naked.”

[Lunar] “Awesome!”

"Okay," Twilight laughed, "you're on!"

"It's a deal!" I said as Twilight and myself bumped each others' hooves, showing that the bet was on and a go.

Scarlet: BYE-BYE A GO-GO!

MrSing: Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

All I had to do was last a week in that hellhole and I'll be good as gold! What's the worst that can happen?

Scarlet: *smug grin* Oh, I’ve got a list.

SC276: I had to use the Puppet as the sling for the next slingshot. It was the only thing I could find that could stretch far enough.

MrSing: He said as he made audible winks and nudges to the crowd

Topher: BEHOLD, THE ULTIMATE LIST OF THE BAD THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AT FREDDY FAZBEAR’S PIZZA!

That night, I had arrived at the pizzeria on time and set myself up for a heavily six hour guarding shift. The employee that locked up tonight said that Scott had come under some conditions and wasn't here to talk me through things, but said that some recorded messages will let me know what to do via the telephone.

Scarlet: [Telephone] “Nobody likes you. Stand in the middle of the room and accept your fate, you worthless piece of scum.”

SC276: ~Hey hey how you doing, now your first night was fine, but there’s a deep dark warning for the future up ahead so divine...~

MrSing: “Now, it has come to my attention that you haven’t been marinating yourself in tomato sauce during work hours. Please rectify this or face the robots.”

I knew that certain things happen in life and understood why Scott wasn't here tonight; everypony gets sick from time to time.

Scarlet: Ah, yet another paragraph in need of a good applied corkscrewing!

After setting myself up inside the office, I sat down and awaited for "12 AM" to hit, the moment the animatronics entered into their "night mode." I went into the cameras and wound the music box all the up before I had done anything else. Once I wound the music box all they way up, I went to check on the Stage – the origin to my nightmares from last night.

Scarlet: One might say you had… Stage Fright?

SC276: *ba dum tish*

Topher: *canned laughter*

The phone in the office then started ringing, which startled me to no end.

MrSing: Here comes the true horror of the fast food industry. The endless prank calls.

I put the cameras down by the sudden sound, then remembered that I was told that some instructions were going to come in via the phone, so went right back to the cameras, watching, waiting, waiting, watching.

SC276: ALWAYS WATCHING, WAZOWSKI. ALWAYS.

Scarlet: Why the fuck would the phone ring if Scott recorded messages?

SC276: Yeah, that part doesn’t make as much sense in source either.

The phone rang a few more times, then eerily stopped. It was silent for a while, then a recording started playing while I kept looking at the cameras.

"Uh, hello, hello!" The guy on the phone spoke. "See, I told you your first night wouldn't be a problem. You're a natural!"

Scarlet: He’s using dialogue ripped from the game, isn’t he.

SC276: Hold on… Yes. Yes he is.

MrSing: Author, making original content doesn’t mean you can take content from the original.

"Yeah," I laughed, "and I'm Princess Celestia."

Scarlet: And suddenly, you were!

SC276: [Foxy] “Will she stop with the goddamn light so I can pounce her already?!”

"Uh, by now I'm sure you've noticed the older models sitting in the back room."

He must be talking about the old animatronics Scott told me about last night. I thought to myself as I went back to wind the music box back up.

"Uh, those are from the previous location. We just use them for parts now."

Scarlet: Ah, I do so love retreading old ground!

SC276: Which proves the entire thing before was completely unnecessary!

"Yup," I quietly spoke, "he's talking about the old animatronics."

MrSing: Guys, this might sound crazy, but I think he’s talking about the old animatronics.

"The idea at first was to repair them...uh, they even started retrofitting them with some of the newer technology, but they were just so ugly, you know?"

Scarlet: Yeaaahhhh whatever. Can we get to Night 2? I’m anxious to finish this riff off.

"You're telling me," I joked, going back to check on the Stage, seeing everything was still in its rightful place.

"The smell...uh, so the company decided to go in a whole new direction and make them super kid-friendly."

Scarlet: Oh my jesus it’s literally the same fucking shit.

SC276: I am literally comparing them as I go. This is like copied straight from the fucking wiki.

"Still haven't seen that side of them yet." I sighed.

"Uh, those older ones shouldn't be able to walk around, but if they do, the whole Freddy head trick should work on them too, so, whatever."

Scarlet: “Uh, listen, try to die in a hurry, we need the space okay? We’re counting on you!”

SC276: *preps a boom box to play “Pop Goes the Weasel”*

"Wait, what?" I looked towards the mask from last night. "This thing?"

"Uh...heh...I love those old characters. Did you ever see Foxy the Griffon? Oh wait, hold on..."

Scarlet: Awww, he’s fanboying! It’s adorable!

Crazy56U: [Not-Phone Guy] “Wait… a griffon named ‘Foxy’... ...the fuck?”

MrSing: It’s his fursona, plz no bully.

There was a slight pause between sentences, so I took the opportunity to wind the music box again. Soon, the guy on the phone continued with his recording.

Scarlet: Recordings. The phone wouldn’t ring for a recording. You’d just press the answering machine button. Or pick up the goddamn phone so you could talk to him directly.

SC276: From the context of some of FNAF2’s calls, I got the impression the Phone Guy was live-calling you in that one, and you’re letting the machine run because you barely have enough time to wind a music box.

"Oh yeah, Foxy. Uh, hey listen, that one was always a bit twitch, uh...I'm not sure the Freddy head trick will work on Foxy, uh.

MrSing: Why is the robot that’s missing an eye so much better at seeing things anyway?

If for some reason he activates during the night and you see him standing at the far end of the hall-"

Scarlet: “then it’s going to end with you in p i e c e s…”

"Come again!?" I said, hyperventilating a bit. I placed the cameras down and casted a light spell to see through to the end of the hall and, thankfully, there was nothing there.

"...Those older models would always get disoriented with bright lights."

Scarlet: So a mask and flashy lights. Duly noted. I assume that playing the game this is a good deal more frightening?

SC276: When you have actual atmosphere, then yes.

MrSing: Wouldn’t a mask with a stroboscope duct-taped to it basically make you invincible?

Topher: But then you’d be unable to wind the music box because you can’t bring up the tablet with the mask on. It’s only now that I examine all the setbacks in place that I realize how much of a deathtrap this place is.

"Well, I guess that's good information," I sighed, checking the Stage again.

"It would cause a system restart, or something. Uh, come to think of it, you might want to try that on any room where something undesirable might be."

Scarlet: “start with YOU.”

MrSing: “And if that doesn’t work, try using this spraying bottle on them.”

"Try what?" I questioned. I was hyperventilating while he was speaking, so did I miss something important?

SC276: Yeah, the part where you shine the flashlight through the camera monitor. That or the cameras have lights on them connected to your flashlight. Gameplay.

"That glitch might have carried over to some of the newer models too."

Scarlet: “I’m sure you’ll be fine as a corpse as long as you aim the light right at them!”

"Okay..." I sighed in relief.

"One more thing."

MrSing: “Could you come in at sunday this week? That would be great.”

"There's more?" I asked myself.

"Don't forget the music box."

"Don't worry, buddy," I chuckled.

"I'll be honest, I never liked that puppet thing."

Scarlet: “I want to replace him and I need p a r t s.”

MrSing: “But you know how much kids love scary puppet clowns.”

"Puppet?" I repeated, going into the camera the music box was at. "What puppet?"

SC276: The one you might’ve seen when the box ran out before, except you don’t understand how to use the Ctrl key.

"It was always...thinking, and it can go anywhere..."

"What!?" I shouted.

"I don't think the Freddy mask will fool it, so...just don't forget the music box."

Scarlet: With the intro out of the way, we move on to yet another night of the author failing to even execute a jumpscare!

"I will make it a mission not to!" I fearfully stated.

"Anyway, I'm sure it won't be a problem."

MrSing: “Also, please put the new coversheets on your TPS reports. That would be great.”

"Hopefully not." I said as I wound the music box up, like my life depended on it.

"Uh, have a good night, and talk to you tomorrow."

Scarlet: “worthless.”

With that, the recording had ended and I was once again on my own with these animatronics.

SC276: 12:00 AM | NIGHT 2

Tonight, though, they were behaving nicely; they have yet to leave the Stage.

MrSing: Can you blame them? I would avoid this guy too.

"Just like animatronics during the night should behave!" I smiled, checking the Game Room, noticing nothing out of the ordinary.

Scarlet: Please, please die to something.

SC276: Hopefully Balloon Filly can laugh at this guy...

The top right of the cameras showed that it currently was "3 AM."

SC276: Are you freakin’ kidding me, the Toys don’t step aside for the old guard this soon.

Time seemed to be moving a lot quicker tonight than last night. Perhaps it is because Scott gave me the lecture before my shift started,

MrSing: Nothing like a three hour lecture from your boss to let time fly by.

or perhaps it was because I was less scared than last night.

Scarlet: Perhaps it was because of magic!

Maybe it was because the animatronics weren't moving this time around. Whatever the case, I didn't mind it one bit. I just sat in my office and wound up the music box over at the Prize Counter remotely.

Scarlet: Father Gascoigne was displeased.

SC276: He hasn’t looked at Parts & Service yet, for pete’s sake. This guy has no curiosity.

Time was going by quickly, which is what I had hoped for when I came in today. Nothing was going on, which was amazing and easy. Suddenly, there came a sound from beyond my office.

"What was that?" I questioned.

Scarlet: What the fuck do you think?

I put the cameras down, which currently read "4 AM,"

MrSing: “I looked at my watch, which showed me the video feed from the kitchen.”

then shined my horn down the hallway in front of me. The light reached all the way towards the end of the hall and, in its path to the far wall, revealed nothing out of the ordinary, although I wasn't convinced.

"If I'm a night guard here," I told myself as the overhead clock chimed past 4:30,

MrSing: That crazy Luna. First she’s all like “the night will last forever” and than she’s like “the night will last about fifteen real time minutes”.

"why can't I go down the hallway to see what's going on instead of using nearly helpless cameras?"

SC276: Yes, go out towards the robots that you think - for poor in-story reasons - are trying to kill you.

Scarlet: No, seriously, do that. It’ll hasten your demise.

I opted to wait a little while longer instead of just going down the hall to see for myself. It was better to ask another employee if I could meander about throughout the night instead of just assuming so.

MrSing: God forbid you do something interesting.

I went back to the cameras and wound up the music box again in order to assure that "The Puppet" would not leave his post, wherever it may be. Tonight was surprisingly a very easy night, comparing it to my first night.

SC276: That’s because you aren’t looking at, like, any of the other cameras.

MrSing: Today is robot labor day. They are not allowed to kill the night guard because of union related reasons.

The sound came from the hallway again, forcing me to put the cameras back down and use my light spell to check on the deep, dark hallway. This time, when my light reached the far wall, in the middle of the eerie hallway stood an animatronic.

MrSing: He’s just standing there. MENACINGLY!

Topher: No I’m not! I’m sitting here menacingly! Do NOT make me let the Foxys I’ve been pointlessly trying to build up out!

"Foxy the Griffon?" I questioned.

SC276: Dr. Livingstone, I presume?

Scarlet: SC, you didn’t leave your plushie out again, right?

SC276: Wish I could claim credit for this, but mine is right there. ...Though the other three dozen are currently unaccounted for for the past two hours.

Scarlet: ...I may have borrowed two or three of them for an. Erm. Project. Incidentally I’ve been saving those heads.

SC276: OK, just be sure you don’t feed them after midnight- wait that’s gremlins.

Topher: I found about ten or so, they’re all in my closet with the others. It’ll be FUN when I let them out.

The animatronic at the far wall simply stood there and stared at me. It resembled a lot like a griffon does – with the front claws, rear paws, large wings, and whatnot – and just stared at me...menacingly.

Scarlet: I resemble a lot like a human does. BUT I AM WITCH!

MrSing: ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ

Also, damn it fic, I already made that joke.

"Foxy?" I called, receiving no answer. Why is that thing even called "Foxy" in the first place? Foxy would imply that it is a fox, but that thing is a griffon…

SC276: I dunno, ask the author who decided to change it from an in-universe fictional species to an in-universe real one.

My thoughts were cut short as I saw Foxy start slowly moving towards my office, which sent slight shivers down my spine, causing my wings to shake and shuffle a bit.

Scarlet: They then proceeded to do the twist.

Why are you getting closer? I thought. The guy told me that bright lights disorientate you and would cause a system reset!

Scarlet: “I l i e d.”

SC276: You’re supposed to flash him. Works better if you’re a girl.

MrSing: *”Blinded by the Light” starts playing in the background.*

The wacked out animatronic was getting closer and closer to my office. I didn't know what to do, but was fortunate to have another employee come in at just the right moment and help me out.

"Bad Foxy!" The Pegasus mare shouted, flashing the flashlight that was left on the table. "Go!"

Scarlet: And there went any chance of credible horror.

SC276: What the blazes is she doing here?!

MrSing: YOU FOOL! WE WERE SO CLOSE!

Topher: FOXY NO MURDER! FOXY NO MURDER!

The flashing light seemed to have disorientated Foxy and he began leaving and backing away from the office, back down the hall, and, eventually, out of sight.

Scarlet: ...Disorienting means confusing. Why is he backing down the hall? Isn’t he just going to get his bearings and come the hell back?

SC276: Yes, actually. You can’t just keep the head on forever, after all. That would make the game boring.

My breath was short and my heart was pounding against my chest, but I was able to collect enough air and look over to the mare. She was smiling at me as I was breathing heavily.

MrSing: “Haha, you almost died.”

"Scare ya?" She asked me.

Scarlet: Not really, no.

"How did you do that?" I gasped, trying to fall into normal breathing patterns now.

"Easy," she replied, "you have to flash the light in his face, or anypony that reveals themselves in the hallway. That is the number one thing to do. What did you do?"

Scarlet: Dear diary- today I learned that you have to flash anyone you meet in the hall!

"I used my light spell and flashed him." I said.

"Did you keep a constant flash, Your Majesty?" She continued. "Or did you blink it at him?"

"Blink it?" I repeated.

SC276: How did this guy ascend to alicorn prince again?

"By blinking the light, quickly turning it on and off repeatedly," she explained, "it confuses the animatronics and causes the system to reset."

Scarlet: “Oh, I must have forgotten to mention that over the phone. Would have been fun to watch you writhewrithewrithe as you lost l i m b s.”

MrSing: Why won’t the phone stop talking about “the joy of creation”?

"Oh," I chuckled, "that must've been the portion of the recording I missed."

"Vital information, Your Majesty." the mare smiled.

"Indeed," I smiled in response, looking towards the clock, noticing it read "5:30 AM." I looked back towards the Pegasus mare. "You're here early tonight."

Scarlet: And then it turns out it was a hallucination. Or no! Better yet, he forgot to wind the box and the puppet jumps down and kills her!

SC276: I actually hope that happens, he’s been standing off Foxy for the last hour, after all! ~Someone forgot to check their cameras!~

"Seemed like you needed help." She laughed.

"Good day to fall into trouble, I suppose." I joked.

"So it seems," she replied, "go on. I'll finish up your shift."

SC276: That is grand-scale cheating, Batman!

"Are you sure?" I asked, not wanting to anger anypony.

"Perfectly fine, Your Majesty," she answered, "besides, you look like you've seen a ghost."

Scarlet: WAKKA WAKKA!

MrSing: This is now a ghostbusters crossover.

Topher: An on his way out, he ran into Foxy, who ripped him to pieces. HAPPY ENDING!

"You could say that." I sniggered, rubbing my neck.

"Go on, go home," she repeated, "I'll cover things around here."

"Thank you, uhh,"

"Purple Grape," the mare spoke.

Scarlet: She’s supposed to be the purple guy I keep hearing about in the games, isn’t she.

SC276: Oh my fucking god, author. *slams head against the wall* ...Fuck, need a new top hat now.

"Thank you, Purple Grape," I said, collecting my things and leaving for the day.

"You're welcome, Your Majesty." she smiled at me, closing the door behind me.

She seems very nice, I thought to myself, I do hope that she goes a long way with her life decisions.

Scarlet: She won’t.

SC276: That sounds like sarcasm.

Scarlet: Fortunately, I am perfectly sincere.

MrSing: And she’s only two days away from retirement.

I thought nothing more of tonight's shift as I went towards the coffee shop to pick up today's edition of the Ponyville Express. Today's headliner for the Express was even more interesting than yesterday's: Dead Ponies Found Inside Local Restaurant.

Scarlet: Wait when how what? That must’ve happened in broad fucking daylight!

SC276: Or early evening.

MrSing: “Service and food was great however. 4/5 stars. Would eat there again.”

"Jeez," I told the shopkeeper, paying for the newspaper, "this restaurant isn't looking too good, is it?"

"Yeah," the shopkeeper replied, "supposedly, the owner of that new restaurant that came into town is in some real trouble or something."

Scarlet: What, he got arrested for stealing the secrets of robotics from the Equestrian Royal Archives?

"The owner of that Freddy Fazpony's Pizzeria down the road?" I asked.

"That'd be the one, Your Majesty," he smiled, "have a good day now."

"Thank you," I responded, "you too."

"Thank you."

SC276: You’d think if royalties were such big celebraties, he’d already know the prince is working for them.

I left the coffee shop with the newspaper tucked away in my saddlebag and headed to Twilight's castle. The lovely and shining crystallized castle shone greatly with the rising summer sun. I absolutely enjoyed seeing this castle and loved every inch of it; it was perfect.

Scarlet: Wait, what? How is this thing here now? Didn’t you guys live in a house? What? I…

SC276: As mentioned earlier, he’s just been calling it a house until now, because fuck it all it’s 2.5D.

MrSing: Lunar wants to marry Twilight for her castle, confirmed.

When I arrived at Twilight's castle, she was there to greet me and immediately asked me how my shift went down at the pizzeria.

"It was good," I admitted, "I'll be winning that bet, you know,"

Scarlet: “I only got rescued from my own incompetence once!”

SC276: You didn’t even finish! That should only count as half a shift.

"Yeah," she scoffed, "we'll see about that."

"Oh, you'll see." I laughed.

That night, I arrived inside the pizzeria along with Twilight.

SC276: Well at least it’s going quicker, but why are you bringing the princess to this place?

MrSing: If she dies he gets the castle.

She wasn't sleepy and wanted to see just exactly what I did here in the office, so I decided to bring her along for the fun.

Scarlet: Wat.

MrSing: There is a fine line between being an asshole and being stupid. Lunar walks that line every day.

Topher: Or he would, but the line splits into a circle around him, forming a little zone of both.

I alerted Scott hours earlier about bringing Twilight and his advise to me was to make sure she was safe, which was part of my job description.

Scarlet: Why the hell would you let him bring his girlfriend in to work with the murder-bots?

SC276: Especially since he’s the one that brought up the bots might be a-murdering!

MrSing: I wish I could bring my girlfriend to my job. Or that I had a girlfriend. Or a job.

He also told me that he would be unable to see me again due to certain things, which I completely understood.

MrSing: We’ve all been there when the police is investigating you because they found dead bodies, right?

That meant that a new recording was being left for me, which I didn't mind.

Scarlet: Why wouldn’t he just leave you with the instructions while you talked to him in person?

Tonight, however, the recording didn't kick in until the clock read "1:30 AM."

SC276: Those clocks have never given anything more than an hour and you know it.

Tonight, I had Twilight keep an eye on the hallway while I kept my attention towards the Stage and the music box. The music box was the number two priority to me, right after making sure Twilight was kept safe at all times throughout the shift tonight.

Scarlet: Oh I hope this ends in tears.

SC276: Don’t you have an extra head that you could just put on her for the entire duration?

MrSing: You know where Twilight would be safe? Anywhere but there!

The phone began ringing and stopped a couple of minutes later, followed by the trademark recording.

"Hello, hello!"

"Hello!" Twilight smiled.

Scarlet: Goodbye! *walks out*

MrSing: Twilight, genius, princess, beater upper of bad guys, doesn’t know how a pre-recorded message works.

"See? I told you you wouldn't have any problems!"

"Not a single one." I lied.

"Did, uh, did Foxy ever appear in the hallway? Probably not."

Scarlet: *walks back in* And you’re still ripping off the game dialogue! I can tell, it’s the only stuff in this fic that’s written with actual cadence and an ear for language!

Topher: But Cadence isn’t in this story.

Scarlet: Only because the author changed waifu-targets at the last moment.

"Nope." I lied again.

"I was just curious. Like I said, he was always my favorite."

"I'm sure he was." I smiled.

SC276: I like him pretty much as well. As suggested by how I have three dozen of his plushies. Minus apparently three.

"They tried to remake Foxy, ya know?"

Scarlet: “Not cruel enough. He didn’t bite down h a r d enough.”

"No," I said, a bit intrigued, "I didn't know that..."

SC276: Yes you did.

"Uh, they thought the first one was too scary, so they redesigned him to be more kid-friendly and put him in Kid's Cove."

Scarlet: “we buried the child in his jaws.”

MrSing: Why are you still talking to the recorded message? AND WHY IS THE MESSAGE ANSWERING YOU?

Kid's Cove... I thought. Camera 12?

I hit Camera 12 and, sure enough, there was a white colored griffon laying along the floor in there. I remembered: Toy Foxy the Griffon.

Scarlet: Man, I’m kind of glad this wasn’t my first exposure to these games or I’d be inclined to think they have all the terror-per-minute of a pleasant teatime.

SC276: HA HA HA HA HA HA

But then...where's Balloon Filly?

I searched all over for the last animatronic I have yet to see, unable to find her no matter where I looked.

SC276: Not even by accident? She’s in the Game Area, ya ditz? You suck at your job.

I didn't let that bother me too much as I went back to winding up the music box while the recording continued.

Scarlet: I kind of hope that the music box explodes when he overwinds it.

SC276: And then the sweet sounds of ~All around the mulberry bush…~

"But the little fillies and colts these days just can't keep their hooves to themselves. The staff literally had to put Foxy back together after every shift. So eventually, they stopped trying and just left her as some "take apart and put back together" attraction."

Scarlet: An explanation that could only make sense in FNAF!

SC276: Yeah, can’t argue with that.

"Sounds like fun for the little ones." Twilight smiled, flashing light from her horn down the hallway to show that it was completely empty.

Scarlet: Not unless you’re a particularly sick child who enjoys dismantling your favorite character and rebuilding him.

MrSing: So, basically half of all children.

"Now she's just a mess of parts. I think the employees refer to her as just "The Mangle." Uh..."

"'The Mangle.'" I repeated.

Scarlet: “we need all the parts for her we can get please contribute.”

SC276: Mangle’s actually one of my favorite characters for the sheer reason I can’t figure out her freakin’ body structure.

MrSing: The Mangle coincidentally is also a pretty good name for a strong drink.

"Oh, hey, before I go, uh, I wanted to ease your mind about any rumors you might have heard lately."

MrSing: “I did not kill those ponies. They were already dead before I shot them.”

"Rumors?" Twilight asked me.

"You know how these local stories come and go and seldom mean anything."

Scarlet: It was in the fucking newspaper, wasn’t it? Why didn’t you guys investigate this before going to work?

"What stories?" she asked again.

SC276: Local Princess Does Not Read Newspaper Ever

"I can personally assure you that, whatever is going on out there, and however tragic it may be, has noting to do with our establishment."

Scarlet: Well of course it doesn’t, given it would’ve had to happen in broad daylight.

"What is he talking about?" Twilight asked me again.

"I'll tell you once the recording is done." I replied.

"It's all just rumors and speculation...ponies trying to make a bit."

"I hope so." I quietly remarked.

"You know...uh, our guard during the day has reported nothing unusual, and he's on watch from opening til close."

Scarlet: “he only sees what I tell him to he’s a good boy but you aren’t no not a good boy at all.”

SC276: You know how this makes sense only if it’s by the guy that’s not ultimately in charge? The author didn’t.

MrSing: You mean the guard that’s a mare?

"Sounds like a long shift." Twilight commented.

SC276: You’d think he’d at least get lunch.

MrSing: The shift was so long that she turned into a guy.

"Okay, well anyway, hang in there and I'll talk to you tomorrow."

With the recording over and the time at about 2:40 AM, I decided to share what the pony on the phone meant when he said "rumors and speculation" with Twilight. She wanted to know, so it was my duty to tell her.

Scarlet: And it’s my duty to tune you the fuck out, because I guarantee anything in the next paragraph has already been said at least once.

"Recently," I began, winding up the music box some more, "there have been some articles in the Ponyville Express and the main headliner is that there is an investigation going on here about some dead ponies being stuffed in the suits and the animatronics malfunctioning and whatnot."

Scarlet: Oh wait, never mind. Hey, there’s a thought! Why wouldn’t you put this article near the start of the story? That would explain why Luny is deathly afraid of dying to animatronics!

"Dead ponies?" Twilight repeated, putting much emphasis on 'dead.'

MrSing: Well, they were actually mascots in costumes, but after spending eight hours in a sweaty costume while children scream at you, you can’t technically be called living.

"It hasn't been confirmed, Twilight," I told her, checking the Stage, "but the investigation is around this corporation and they're threatening to shut this place down, I think."

Scarlet: And I hope they succeed soon.

SC276: No one thinks to actually look in the suits.

"Sounds serious." Twilight inputted.

"I guess," I agreed, putting the cameras down to look at Twilight, "anything?"

"Not yet." Twilight confirmed.

"Okay," I smiled, "tell me when you see something out of the ordinary."

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Come to think of it, isn’t a security camera array out of the ordinary?”

"Oka-"

"Twilight?"

"Wh-...Is that a griffon?"

I put the cameras back down and turned towards the end of the hall to see Foxy the Griffon paying a visit.

Scarlet: [Foxy] “Hiya, neighbor! Just wanted to borrow a wing or two!”

"Oh," I chuckled, "hey Foxy. How ya doing?"

"Foxy?" Twilight laughed. "That's its name?"

"Yup." I smiled. "That is Foxy the Griffon."

Scarlet: [Foxy] “Yup, that’s me! Anyway, how about that pound of flesh? I accept blood donations as well~”

SC276: The deal never specified- oh wait it did here. Well so much for the classic loophole.

"Any others I should be aware of?" Twilight asked me.

"Well," I spoke, "there's a few of them."

"Care to tell me?"

Scarlet: *begins humming pokerap beat again*

"Sure!" I smiled. "There's the old animatronics: Freddy Fazpony the Earth pony, Chica the Pegasus, Bonnie the Bunny, and Foxy the Griffon. Then, there are the new animatronics: Toy Freddy Fazpony, Toy Chica the Pegasus, Toy Bonnie the Bunny, Toy Foxy the Griffon – otherwise known as The Mangle – and then there is Balloon Filly – the only one I haven't seen to this point."

Scarlet: ~omanyte, gastly- oh, we’re done? Okay then.

"You told me there were ten of them," Twilight explained.

"Yes," I answered, "that's what Scott told me."

"But," she continued, "you only mentioned nine names."

Scarlet: ...Twilight, you’re becoming self-aware again. I was so tuned out I missed that.

"What?" I asked, checking the stage again.

"Foxy, Freddy, Chica, Bonnie, Toy Foxy, Toy Freddy, Toy Chica, Toy Bonnie, and Balloon Filly," Twilight reiterated, "that only adds up to nine names. Where is the tenth one?"

SC276: Golden Freddy.

MrSing: Let’s keep repeating the names over and over. Maybe that will help.

"You know," I spoke up, changing to the Prize Counter to wind the music box back up, "I don't know...I have only seen nine of them."

Scarlet: Eight. If you’ve-

"Eight of them, Luny," Twilight corrected, "if you haven't seen Balloon Filly yet, you've only seen eight."

Scarlet: Holy shit, she is returning to her usual self! Praise be!

Sparkz: o_O SC! The story’s talk- Oh wait, I’m in the wrong continuity again, huh?

SC276: What do you think?

"Hmm...that's a question I'll have to ask one of the other employees when they come in."

SC276: The better question is, why didn’t you see any of them when you first came to eat here?!

"Sounds like a plan, Luny," Twilight giggled, her giggle echoing throughout the empty halls and vents.

Scarlet: Aaaand we’re back to boring waifu Twilight. Ah well, it was a nice fantasy while it lasted.

I put the cameras back down and noticed something odd. At the end of the hall, Foxy appeared to be moving away, even though Twilight wasn't flashing her horn any more. Twilight kept her light constant while she had giggled and I noticed that Foxy had moved away, as if he...he was scared...of Twilight's laugh.

Scarlet: [Foxy] “Um, no? I just don’t like fucking with alicorns!”

SC276: What? That makes no sense at all. The only thing close to laughter affecting the bots is the occasional laugh clips to move Springtrap in FNAF3.

MrSing: Maybe he’s afraid of cooties?

"Hey, look," I smirked, pointing to the retreating Foxy.

"What about him?" Twilight asked.

"When you were giggling," I continued, "Foxy was moving away."

Twilight laughed some more, "I'm the scariest animatronic of them all!"

SC276: You’ll have to SKREEEEEE if we’re really going to test that. Or… whatever FNAF2’s onomatopoeia is.

Topher: let me give it a go. *Inhales MIGHTILY* SKREEEUUUURRRAAAUUUUGH!!!

SC276: … *falls over like a tilted cardboard cutout*

"Haha!" I laughed, jointly. "I guess so."

"Hahaha!"

Scarlet: ...Wait did they just giggle at the ghosties? Well at least this fanfic’s got one of its inspirations… right...ish…?

Foxy had completely left the hallway while Twilight and myself laughed on some more.

MrSing: “Noooo. Don’t laugh at me, I’m scary!”

I loved Twilight's laugh and actually tried to make her laugh a bit more so that I could listen to it some more. That's when I remembered the music box and went to go wind it back up.

Scarlet: Please be too late. Please die.

I went back into the camera and noticed the time read "5:30 AM" and the stage was completely empty of all three toy animatronics.

MrSing: Good on them for escaping the story.

The camera to the Prize Counter had a red notification flashing, so I went to go wind the music box again. However, when I went to wind it back up, I saw this puppet-type thing revealing itself from a nearby box.

Scarlet: Fucking Yes. Finish him! Puppet him with your… puppet….ness...y… I don’t even know what it’s supposed to do! Kill him!

SC276: ~ALL AROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH, THE MONKEY CHASED THE WEASEL…!~

I was literally so scared that I almost dropped the cameras, but managed to hang on and wind the music box all the way again. That seemed to stop the puppet from leaving the box and settled my heart down slightly.

Scarlet: You disappoint me, puppet.

SC276: SUNNAVA- oh wait, the slingshot made out of the Puppet misfired. Watch out for ghost heads trying to eat your face.

Scarlet: *munching on a ghost* Did you say something?

I put the cameras away, then noticed the doors behind us had been opened. In the doorway stood Purple Grape and I greeted her to Twilight.

"Hello, Purple Grape," I smiled.

Scarlet: Eventually she’ll bring her cousin, Orange Crush.

MrSing: Her family is just an explosion of flavor and poorly thought out names.

"Good morning, Your Majesty," she smiled. She then turned to Twilight. "And good morning to you, Princess Twilight."

"Good morning." Twilight acknowledged.

"Twilight is my marefriend and accompanied me on my shift today." I explained.

Scarlet: No really I’m sure people didn’t fucking know that.

"Does Scott know?"

"He does and he said it was okay." I said.

"Okay then," Purple Grape continued, "well, your shift is over and I'm here to take over.

SC276: Could the story be bothered to directly inform the audience every once in awhile, thank you very much?

Were there any mishaps?"

Scarlet: Puppet nearly escaped!

SC276: So, so close to ending this!

"Not a single one." I happily obliged.

Scarlet: Oh, Luny. I detest you quite a bit!

"Well then," she replied, "time to start my shift."

MrSing: This story is pretty good for a diet, because there is so much nothing in it.

"Good luck, Purple Grape," Twilight said, collecting our things and exiting the door behind us.

"Thank you, Your Highness."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Purple Grape," I said, leaving through the door behind me, "have a good day."

Scarlet: She won’t.

"Thank you, and you too." Purple Grape smirked.

I turned to Twilight and smiled at her, wrapping my wing around her body, keeping her warm. Today's weather was slightly cooler than average and she looked a bit cold, so I thought that I would help her out.

Scarlet: This fic is going to put me to sleep at this rate.

SC276: Pretty sure that’s just the fact that the sun just rose.

"So how did you enjoy the shift?" I asked as we started making our way towards her castle.

"I thought that it was fun." She admitted. "Can I come back with you tomorrow?"

"Scott said that it was okay," I smiled, "and I loved having you for company while we worked together."

Scarlet: Congrats. I think you just took every element of horror the original had going for it and shanked it with a rusty spoon.

SC276: Where are the other Withered Animatronics?! That’s the official name for the old guard in FNAF2, by the way. And Mangle didn’t get a single reference in any part of any of this, even though she was mentioned on the tape! Also, also, the fact they couldn’t be bothered to put her back together after the restaurant’s just been opened for three days! Less time than in canon, even, given FNAF2’s place was only opened a few weeks! It’s official: this author has no fucking idea what he’s doing!

"So, is that a yes?"

"Yes," I laughed, "it is."

"Oh, thank you, Luny!" Twilight cheerfully replied.

MrSing: Celestia must be so pissed that even with four to five co-rulers she is still the only one that actually does her job.

"You're welcome, Twily!" I answered with equal cheerfulness.

Scarlet: And Scarly is done with you both!

SC276: And Yosie is- wait my nickname already fits. Fuck.

We continued to enjoy the entire day together as I waited to go back for my fourth night at the restaurant.

"Hello? Hello? Uh, hey there, night four! I told you you'd get the hang of it!"

Scarlet: Oh thank god he’s skipping to the next shift’s start. Almost done.

SC276: Took him this fucking long to do it.

Twilight and myself had already been busy at work for the last couple of hours.

MrSing: You can just feel how badly the author wants to stop putting work in the story.

Tonight was a busier night than usual for the animatronics, as they were all out and about, though they hadn't shown their faces to either of us yet.

Scarlet: [Foxy] “Look, guys, fuck this story. Let’s all go to Grillby’s instead.”

[Other Animatronics] “Agreed.”

"Okay, so uh, just to update you, uh, there's been somewhat of an, uh, investigation going on."

"Yeah," I sighed, winding up the music box, "we know."

"Uh, we may end up having to close for a few days...I don't know."

"Sounds like a convincing investigation against this place." Twilight added, flashing the light coming from her horn at Foxy repetitively.

Scarlet: [Foxy] “Jesus, bitch! I just came back to look for my keys!”

MrSing: He’s epileptic you monster!

"I want to emphasize though that it's really just a precaution."

"Yeah, sureee." I scoffed, flashing the light from my horn at Toy Chica in the hallway.

Scarlet: [Toy Chica] “Seriously? I just wanted my wallet! Stop trying to give me a seizure!”

SC276: Why are they both lighting up the hallway again?

MrSing: Rave mode activated!

"Uh, Fazpony Entertainment denies any wrongdoing."

"As any corporation does," Twilight commented, taking a bit of a well-earned break.

"These things happen sometimes. Um...it'll all get sorted out in a few days."

"Sure it will," I sighed, winding the music box back up again.

Scarlet: [Puppet] “....”

SC276: Don’t worry, Puppet. I love you. *pats*

"Just keep an eye on things and I'll keep you posted."

"Thanks, buddy." I sarcastically responded.

"Uh, just as a side note though, try to avoid eye contact with any of the animatronics tonight if you can."

Scarlet: “you’re too disgusting to be looked at for long.”

"Why?" questioned Twilight, going back to flashing the light from her horn down the hallway again.

"Somepony may have tampered with their facial recognition systems – we're not sure."

"Sounds bad," I stated.

"But the characters have been acting very unusual, almost aggressive towards the staff. They interact with kids just fine, but when they encounter an adult, they just...stare."

Scarlet: So wait, are they just now becoming dangerous- argh. I imagine this is much less confusing in-game.

SC276: Sort of. Going by the lore provided by the first two alone, there was one murder at a previous location and the spirit possessed the Puppet, and then during the last couple days - in broad daylight, as you said - the same guy killed five more that haunt the Fazbear Four - Freddy, Chica, Bonnie, and Foxy - and Golden Freddy. The animatronics moving before then is because of the Puppet’s influence in a sense of delicious irony. Because of the circumstances and mixing with the bots’ programming, they become really hostile towards adults, and especially night guards. Later games expand on this and do some retcons - Golden Freddy isn’t from a murdered child, notably - but that’s the basics of it.

"Wouldn't that be a good thing?" I asked.

"Uh...anyways, hang tight. It'll all pass. Good night!"

"I have a feeling that this guy is feeding us news to get us killed, Twilight," I sighed, flashing my light down the hall, "don't you agree so?"

Scarlet: Wait, in your actual story? Because for you guys, he’s been nothing but helpful if a bit too eager to deny how fucked the company is!

"I agree one hundred percent, Lunar." Twilight smirked, flashing her light down the hall as well.

"Hello!" called a robotic, feminine voice.

Scarlet: And goodbye! *hurls a flashbomb at the story*

SC276: Finally, the filly of the hour!

"Alright," I sighed, "what was that?"

"I don't know," Twilight coughed, "and I don't really want to find out right now."

"Nor do I, my dear," I replied.

The system Twilight and myself had going lasted us for quite some time. Before we knew it, it was already 5:00 AM. Twilight and myself were trying to fend off these creepy animatronics for as long as we could but, something felt...off about them today. These animatronics seemed like they had the motivation to kill one of us...or both of us.

Scarlet: So why were you trying to avoid them before now?

"How you holding up, Twily?" I asked, winding the music box up some more quickly.

"I'm tired from this." Twilight admitted.

Scarlet: Tired from flashing blinking lights with your horn? You haven’t even cast magic missile yet!

SC276: In FNAF2, use of the flashlight / camera lights is limited. Here, she’s running out of PP.

MrSing: Hehe, you said peepee.

"As am I," I agreed, "but you made a bet that I couldn't last a week and I am going through with it, whether I kill myself doing so or not."

"Lunar," Twilight sighed, "you don't have to do that. It's suicide!"

Scarlet: How? You two are doing just fine!

"I promised myself that I could make it through to the end of the week, and I will do just that."

"But, Lunar!" called Twilight.

MrSing: “Why are you dragging me down with you?”

"Nope," I smirked, winding the music box yet again, "I've already made up my mind to make it through to the end of the week and I will do just that."

Scarlet: Even if you make it to the end of this story, you will not have a happy ending.

SC276: I’ll throw the freakin’ Puppet into your room myself if I have to!

Topher: And I will continue to build up my closet full of Nightmare Foxies!

Twilight shook her head, slyly smiling. "There is nothing I can do to change your mind, is there?"

"Nope." I chuckled shining my light down the hall, revealing absolutely nothing.

Twilight laughed as the door behind us began opening up. Purple Grape smiled in the doorway as she began setting her saddlebags on the ground in the corner of the office, opposite from our things.

Scarlet: So… yeah, I kinda hope the end of the fic involves finding her corpse.

SC276: Why didn’t Balloon Filly do anything?! Her laughs that would be found annoying among the fanbase on her counterpart would be music to my ears!

MrSing: Did you really expect anything else from this story?

"Busy night?" She asked us both.

"You have no idea," I sighed, resting the cameras to collect Twilight's saddlebags and mine.

Purple Grape laughed. "Well, go on, Your Majesty. You're relieved of your duties tonight."

"Thank you, Purple Grape," both Twilight and I said.

Scarlet: Thank you, story, for being brief. For once.

"You're both welcome," Purple Grape smirked.

"See you tomorrow?" I asked.

"You bet," she answered, "and remember: tomorrow is payday."

MrSing: Aw yeah! Rollin’ around in that 120 dollars!

SC276: Actually, given this is based on FNAF2, the paycheck would be $100.50.

"Thank Celestia, hehe."

SC276: TCIF.

"You said it." Twilight and Purple Grape simultaneously said.

Scarlet: Oh my god! Purple Grape is also an alt-universe Twilight! IT ALL MAKES no sense, but I’m bored so I’m going to amuse myself.

SC276: Think you can help me if you’re so bored? The Golden Freddy heads are starting to revolt.

Golden Freddy: REEEA-

SC276: *whacks it with the Puppet* I said back!

Scarlet: *snatches them* I’ve got a plan. I’ll bring ‘em back. Eventually.

With that being said, Twilight and myself left the demented pizzeria to rest up and attempt at enjoying the day that was ahead of us. We were both tired, but knew that our royal duties called first, although they were easy compared to what we had to do at the office.

Scarlet: Royal duties consisting of, apparently, enough free time to pick up a night shift at fucking Chuck E. Cheese’s.

MrSing: And the night shift still pays more than ruling the country.

"Hello, hello? Hey, good job, night five!"

SC276: There’s section breaks in the original text, right? This isn’t all presented as one long scene, right?!

"Thanks, buddy." I sighed.

The time was 2:45 AM. The place was the office. My objective was to stay alive and make it through to the end of the night.

Scarlet: Did… did you just skip to midway into the last night? My god! You’re learning!

MrSing: My mission, should I choose to accept, was to make at least one interesting scene.

Tonight was the final night in the week – I'm assuming

SC276: *holds up a Golden Freddy head and laughs evilly*

MrSing: Assuming makes an ass out of you and some guy named Ming.

– and I just wanted to make it through it so very much. Twilight and myself were back at our strategy and could do this until the end of time, should we need to. It was tough work, but we needed to do it and get through it together, even though I tried convincing Twilight to stay home. It was her idea to come back with me and no matter what I did, I could not convince her to stay home.

Scarlet: And thus, she did not stay home. I wonder if I could work “stay home” into at least one more sentence?

"Um, hey, um, keep a close eye on things tonight, okay?"

MrSing: Close my eyes? Can do.

"Way ahead of you..." Twilight slightly giggled.

"Um, from what I understand, the building is on lockdown, uh, nopony is allowed in or out, y'know, especially concerning any...previous employees."

Scarlet: Yeah I think I called the Purple Grape thing.

"Does that even make sense?" I questioned, winding the music box back up rapidly before I went back to flashing my light down the hallway along with Twilight.

Scarlet: Does anything in this fic?

SC276: Yeah, buddy, you have no right to be calling “doesn’t make sense” on anything.

"Um, when we get it all sorted out, we may move you to the day shift, a position just became...available."

MrSing: Also, Purple Grape was... retired. To her... grave.

"That is if you're still here, Lunar," laughed Twilight sarcastically.

Scarlet: “That was when I realized she had used my full name instead of my pet name! It was an animatronic in disguise!”

"Yeah." I agreed.

"Uh, we don't have a replacement for your shift yet, but we're working on it."

"Are you now?" I scoffed, flipping through the cameras rapidly to check on everything.

Scarlet: Um. wasn’t it supposed to be Scott over the phone?

"Uh, we're going to try to contact the original restaurant owner. Uh, I think the name of the place was..."

"What for?" Twilight questioned. "What would you need to ask those ponies?"

MrSing: Answer me, pre-recorded message!

"...like that. It's been closed for years though, I doubt we'll be able to track anypony down."

Scarlet: “We used most of them for scrap material anyway.”

"Figures..." I said, winding up the music box yet again. "Darn music box."

"Well, just get through one more night! Uh, hang in there! Goodnight!"

SC276: OK, time for the army to go all out. This means, Chicas, Bonnies, Freddies - especially Freddies - that you all actually do shit.

"Goodnight, you little-"

"Temper, temper, Lunar," Twilight interrupted.

Scarlet: Why are you mad at him? His advice is keeping you alive! The only one who keeps walking you into danger here is you!

MrSing: But Twilight double dog dared him, so he’s bound by law to finish the bet.

"You're right, Twilight," I acknowledged, "it's just that this is incredibly stressful."

"You said it, Lunar," Twilight laughed, flashing her light down the hall, causing both Foxy and Bonnie to retreat elsewhere within the restaurant.

Scarlet: [Bonnie] “Shit, bro, run! It’s the papparazzi!”

SC276: [Fox] “The laugh of a waifu-ized character is so painful to listen to!”

The time was 3:30 AM and the end of the shift could not come by any quicker. Twilight was busy flashing the animatronics that dared to show their faces in the hallway, but they appeared to be getting closer. The stress of the flashing was starting to strain Twilight, forcing her to take a break.

Scarlet: The Rule 34 version of the fic had that scene make quite a bit more sense.

"It's too much for me, Lunar." She told me.

SC276: I have trouble believing that like the most magical unicorn turned alicorn princess of the modern era can get tired from flashing a simple light spell repeatedly even for a couple hours.

I tried winding up the music box as quickly as possible before I went back to flashing the animatronics down the hallway. I was with Twilight on this one – this was very painful and it was starting to become more than just a two-pony job. I looked towards the cameras, then towards my tired princess. A ridiculous idea popped into my mind when I stared at Twilight.

Scarlet: “Hey Twilight, why don’t we just go home? There is literally no reason for us to stay here and we can just flash bright lights at anything that comes near us on the way out!”

"Hey," I called, "take a break for a while and wind up the music box for me?"

"If it doesn't require any magic," she tiredly responded, taking the cameras.

SC276: It’s literally holding down a button, and I just realized if one of them gets in the office, they only got one head.

"Make sure that music box is wound up at all times, Twilight," I advised her, "I'll take care of these psychopaths."

Scarlet: “After all, once I flash somepony, they never want to approach me again!”

SC276: Meanwhile, the Puppet wonders, “What does the end of the song sound like?!”

"Sounds like a plan," Twilight smiled, winding up the music box soundly.

"Come to Lunar!" I shouted towards the animatronics, wherever they all were.

"Don't sound too cocky now, Luny," Twilight laughed.

"I'm not cocky, Twily." I smiled, flashing my light at Toy Chica the Pegasus. "There's a new face."

Scarlet: Wait, what? Wasn’t she there last night? Or was that old- I don’t even care anymore.

"Who?" Twilight asked, looking down the hallway to check. "Toy Chica? Is that right?"

"Correct." I confirmed.

"But, if she's there, where's Foxy the Griffon?"

"Beats me." I boldly stated.

Scarlet: “I have less intelligence than dirt!”

SC276: Well if he’s not in the hallway or flying in your face, he’s in Parts & Services.

Twilight went back to checking the cameras to attempt at finding Foxy. That's when I had an assumption as to where he was.

"Check the "Parts and Services" room, Twilight." I said, still flashing Toy Chica.

Scarlet: I’m sure if I’d played FNAF 2 that would be significant.

SC276: Yeah, that’s the starting point for the Withered Animatronics. The story would’ve told you if it ever bothered to check that camera before now.

"Which cam-never mind. I got it."

"He in there?" I asked.

"Uhh...yes, he is."

MrSing: “He seems to be posing for the camera.”

"Okay," I sighed with relief, "check between there and-"

"He's gone." Twilight called.

Scarlet: [Foxy] “Screw it, I’m out. I’m going to a fic where I’ll be appreciated!”

"Damn..." I grunted. "I see him moving into the hallway. What time is it?"

"Uhh, the cameras say that it is currently 5 o'clock."

"Okay," I said, "so we're almost finished here." I smiled. "Check the music box. Is it all good?"

"Fully wound up, Lunar," Twilight alerted me, "do you want some help?"

"It would be much appreciated, Twilight," I said, coughing slightly, "just make sure you keep checking the music box from time to time. I don't want that puppet thing to leave that box and come here."

Scarlet: [Puppet]: *sits motionless beside Luny and then waves at him*

"Will do, Luny." Twilight stated, flashing her light down the hallway with me.

"Almost done!" I called.

"Just a little bit longer!" added Twilight, who stopped flashing her light to check the condition on the music box.

Scarlet: By the way, whatever happened to Mangle? Wasn’t she in this story?

SC276: Mangle occasionally shows up in the hallway, but can move all over the pizzeria at basically will. She makes a very distinctive buzzing-radio sound (unless you’re on mobile), so we should’ve definitely heard her coming.

We had flashed the animatronics with our lights for a little while longer, although it seemed like forever. I was growing tired, as was Twilight, whom was now winding the music box back up. Eventually, I ran out of strength for magic spells and could no longer flash my light down the hallway.

Scarlet: Truly, a fucking flashlight spell is the most draining of casts.

"Time?" I asked Twilight, a sense of panic settling in the sound of my voice.

"It is currently 5:30." Twilight told me.

"I can't flash my light anymore." I admitted.

"What?" Twilight questioned, dropping the cameras immediately.

"I can't cast another spell," I repeated, "I'm too tired..."

"Then I'll finish flash-"

Scarlet: Again. Makes more sense in the Rule 34 version.

Twilight was unable to finish her sentence for when she tried to flash down the hallway, she couldn't do it either.

"We're sitting ducks if we can't flash our lights down the hall." I sadly spoke, hearing a lone tin can roll across the dark hallway.

Scarlet: GOOD.

SC276: *Balloon Boy’s laugh in minor key* ~Foxy’s coming foooor yoooou!~

MrSing: Ah! Littering!

"What about the laughing?" Twilight suggested.

"That's right!" I smiled. "They were scared whenever you laughed!"

"So, wanna crack a joke, Luny?" Twilight smirked.

Scarlet: God damn it! No giggling at the ghosties! I don’t-

"If you insist." I said. I had to act quickly since we didn't have a lot of time and the animatronics were getting closer to the office. I didn't need that much time, since I had a joke already in my mind.

SC276: ~ALL AROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH…!~

"Lunar?" Twilight called.

"What did the filly tell her friend when she was asked how old she was?" I asked.

Scarlet: “None of your business, you little shit?”

MrSing: Too old for this shit.

"What?"

"Nein. Nein! NEIN!" I chuckled.

Scarlet: ….how is that a fucking punchline.

SC276: You’re supposed to mention she’s Russian, you dolt.

Scarlet: ….German. That’s… That’s German.

SC276: ...Oh. My bad, sorry. Guess I Russian to that one. Russian’s for asking tennis players if they need anything.

Scarlet: Nyet, SC. Just… nyet.

Twilight laughed a little bit, but I could tell that she was milking most of the laugh.

SC276: No surprise there.

I decided to keep on going with witty puns, the lowest form of humor in the comedic world.

MrSing: Lunar, a terrible OC, and an idiot walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

"Speaking of fillies, you could say that I am filly-ing you up with plenty of laughs," I smirked, "right?"

Scarlet: [Foxy] “Yeah I’m out.”

SC276: [Toy Freddy] “I oughta jump them just for that.”

Twilight had laughed slightly harder than the last time, but I could tell that she was still milking her laughs. It didn't matter much since the sounds that were coming from the hallway sounded as if they had been getting further away from the office meaning, hopefully, that the animatronics were leaving the hallway to take shelter elsewhere.

Scarlet: If I find them taking up all the seats at my favorite joint again, I’m going to punch them.

"Time?" I asked.

Without ceasing her sweet and innocent giggle, Twilight alerted me that it was 5:57; only three minutes to go; three minutes until the next employee comes.

Scarlet: And only a tiny bit more of this tripe for me to riff!

"So a Pegasus, a Griffon, and a-"

Without notice, the door behind us had opened up and revealed a new pony.

SC276: That’s the fastest three minutes I’ve ever seen.

MrSing: “PC police! You are all under arrest!”

This pony wasn't the same as Purple Grape was and was significantly different. This was an Earth pony and a much smaller Earth pony than Twilight was.

Scarlet: And a much more handsome stallion than Twilight was as well.

"Hello?" I called. "Can I help you?"

"I'm the new mare, Your Majesty." she called.

MrSing: Okay Twilight, get out. The new mare has arrived.

"What's your name?" Twilight asked.

"Green Emerald is my name, Your Highness." The mare answered.

Scarlet: ~One short day, in the Emerald City~

SC276: Oh my god, it’s the anthropomorphic personification of a Chaos Emerald.

"Are you here for the 6 AM to 12 AM shift?" I asked.

SC276: There is no way in fuck there is just one guard to cover the remaining… eighteen hours of this place. They don’t have enough time to even sleep, which is the point of shifts in the first place.

"I am." Green Emerald smiled.

"Okay," I beamed with delight, seeing Twilight go over to collect our things.

"Anything I need to know before I take over, Your Majesty?"

Scarlet: Options for things to pass on- ‘the animatronics are fucking evil’, ‘make sure you bring a friend’, or perhaps ‘someone here is probably a fucking murderer’. What will Luny say?

SC276: How about “they’re all already kind of on top of you”?

"Make sure you keep the music box wound up and laugh if you need to." I advised.

"Will do." She smiled.

Scarlet: Luny - less helpful than Phone Guy.

I went over to the door and was just about to leave with Twilight wen Green Emerald stopped us one last time.

"Have a good day now, you two," she called.

Scarlet: Funny, when I work retail that’s usually how I send off the customers I think are assholes.

"You too," we both replied, "and good luck."

"I'll see you tomorrow!" Green Emerald said, checking the cameras.

"I don't know about that, Green Emerald." I stated.

Scarlet: This will end badly.

SC276: It’s over and yet Mangle has done nothing. Along with… every animatronic besides Foxy.

"Oh," she responded, traits of surprise sounding in her voice, "Scott told me that tomorrow was your last day. He said that you had to finish the Thursday night shift."

"That wasn't what I was told." I claimed, looking towards Twilight.

Scarlet: ...Jesus. Is he adding a bonus level into the story?

SC276: The series tradition: Night 6. ~Here comes Golden Freddy!~

"Well," Green Emerald coughed, winding the music box up, "if I see you tomorrow, I will. But if not, thanks for the advise, Your Majesty."

SC276: British!

"You're welcome, little filly." I smiled as Twilight and myself left the hellhole that was known as Freddy Fazpony's Pizzeria.

Scarlet: Ugh. Just be done already!

Twilight looked over to me and could tell just by looking into my eyes that I wanted to prove I could last one more night. She scoffed at me, which forced me to address my thoughts.

"You don't think I can do it, can you?" I asked.

"I don't want you to," Twilight smiled, pressing her body up against mine, "but I can already tell that my arguing will not change your mind."

Scarlet: I’m sorry, weren’t you both ready to walk out five seconds ago?

"Nope." I laughed, trying to sound like Big Macintosh for a moment.

SC276: Who you know, even though the only other Mane 6 in this fic is Pinkie and it was a bloody cameo.

"Well," continued Twilight, "you're going to need my help, aren't you."

"I'd like your company, Twily," I admitted, "but I think I have a few tricks up my sleeve."

Scarlet: He doesn’t.

MrSing: He doesn’t even have a sleeve.

"Oh?" Twilight questioned. "Like what?"

"You'll see." I replied,

SC276: [Twilight] “You’re risking your life, I’d like to know what you’re up to so I can be sure- and you’re not paying attention anymore.”

looking up towards Ditzy Doo moving a cloud in the wrong direction, giving me a few chuckles as Twilight and myself went back home.

Scarlet: Herp de derp.

MrSing: NO! That cloud is supposed to go OVER THERE! GOD, YOU AMATUER!

"Tell me, how is this supposed to keep us safe?"

"Trust me, it will."

"What did you do exactly?" asked Twilight.

"I placed a barrier across all the doors and vents inside the building and slightly altered the animatronics behaviors a bit." I admitted.

Scarlet: He didn’t do this before because *waves arms frantically*

SC276: One, that would interfere with daily functionality of the pizzaria itself, and two, that’s the Custom Night, not Night 6.

"Is that allowed?" Twilight questioned.

"Beats me," I smirked, "but my week is up after today."

MrSing: “Heh, what’s a lawsuit?”

"So it is," Twilight acknowledged, "looks like I'll be doing whatever Pinkie Pie and you put together for me."

Scarlet: “Crossplay!”

"It's okay," I spoke, "you don't have to do that."

"Thanks, Luny," Twilight smiled.

"You're welcome, Twily." I kissed her cheek.

SC276: I’d protest about them going back on their word, but I honestly don’t give a shit.

The time was about 2:30 AM and so far, the animatronics of the building have been unable to break free of the barriers I had set up prior to my shift starting. I was determined to make this an easy night, and that is what I did.

MrSing: Because you put so much effort in the other nights.

Twilight and myself kept on talking to each other until about 3 AM, when the phone had started ringing for some apparent reason.

Scarlet: “cheater.”

"Hmm..." I thought. "I wonder who that is."

"I don't know," Twilight said, "another recording?"

"Maybe, I don't know."

SC276: Neither do I. Oh by the way, flashing Golden Freddy kills you. These guys are goners~

Turns out it was another recording. This recording, however, seemed a bit different than the previous ones we had been left with.

Scarlet: Oooh, amusing.

MrSing: It was a ten hour extended version of Mambo Number 5.

"Hello? Hello...uh...what in Equestria are you doing there, uh, didn't you get the memo?"

"What memo?" I asked.

"Uh, the place is closed down, uh, at least for a while."

Scarlet: Yay, the fic is over!

"Really?" I slightly panicked.

"Somepony used one of the suits."

MrSing: Damn furries.

"What!?" Twilight shockingly shouted.

"We had a spare in the back, a yellow one, somepony used it..."

Scarlet: I actually have absorbed enough FNAF lore by osmosis to know who Springtrap is. And to hope it appears out of nowhere and takes Luny with it.

SC276: Hey, Puppet existed in FNAF1, why the fuck not. SPRING FORTH, SPRINGTRAP!!

"Oh no..." I muttered.

"Now none of them are acting right."

"I can't believe that..."

"Listen j-just finish your shift. It's safer than trying to leave in the middle of the night."

Scarlet: Why yes, stay directly in the middle of the restaurant, where you can be easily cornered. Good idea!

Without missing a beat, I felt one of the animatronics manage to break through my barrier, something I could not put back into effect in time.

"They're coming." I told Twilight. "We have to act fast."

Scarlet: Flash with all your might!

SC276: Until Golden Freddy shows up. Which is what the slingshots are for~

"Back to the same old plan?" She asked me, flashing her light down the hallway, managing her power more closely this time around.

"Let's get to it and show these buckets of bolts a thing or two." I smirked, checking the cameras to notice that the puppet was gone. "Uh oh..."

MrSing: Wow, that plan failed before it even got into motion. That level of incompetence is almost impressive. Almost.

"What happened?" Twilight asked me.

"The puppet!" I exclaimed. "He's gone!"

SC276: Well that was fast. Oh well~

"Quick!" Twilight gasped. "Activate defense shields!"

Scarlet: Not so fast! You just triggered my trap card!

MrSing: Reverse the polarity!

"Activating!" I shouted, placing a stronger, more contained force field between us and the animatronics, however, we could see them all approaching our office.

SC276: ~ALL AROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH, THE MONKEY CHASED THE WEASEL, THE MONKEY THOUGHT IT WAS ALL IN GOOD FUN…~

One animatronic seemed to stick out the most to us both. This thing, a white, eyeless puppet thing jumped at Twilight and myself from the darkness,

SC276: ~POP GOES THE WEASEL!~

only to be stopped by the force field I casted moments earlier.

Scarlet: So… why didn’t you do that in the first place?

MrSing: Roll the sound clip!

Twilight jumped back and into my hooves, frightened out of her pretty little mind.

Scarlet: HATE.

I caught her and eyed her, much love,

SC276: such shipping

MrSing: Wow.

but a bit of concern with my eye.

"You okay?" I asked her.

"Never better." she answered. "Can you keep up the spell?"

SC276: Didn’t she get the shield spell from her brother?! Why isn’t she doing it?!

MrSing: She kept the spell in her other pants.

"I can and will, Twily," I smiled, "so long as they don't continue banging on it."

SC276: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Scarlet: [Puppet] *begins playing a drum solo on the shield*

"You want me to put up a secondary shield?"

"That's up to you, my dear," I called, feeling the pain the animatronics were giving me by pounding on the shield.

SC276: Except for Balloon Filly, who just laughed the entire time.

Scarlet: Quick, counterattack to recharge your meter!

Twilight smirked, sitting down in my lap. "I'll take that as a yes, Luny." She then kissed my cheek, casting a second shield.

Scarlet: Crap! Missed the timing on my trap’s resolution! Oh well, back to plan A.

SC276: Y’know what would’ve been a nice touch? Mangle, sitting on top of the shield, waiting to fall on top of them.

I looked up at the clock and saw that it read 5:30 AM. I saw that the animatronics were able to break through the first shield, damaging me significantly. It actually damaged me to the point that I found it hard casting other spells.

Scarlet: Alicorns are fucking fragile in this fic. I’m pretty sure I could take this guy without the witch stuff. Which makes it too bad for him that I don’t like holding back. *cackles*

RingmasterJ5: If all of them are this fragile, a certain band of sky-pirates wouldn’t have any problems succeeding in this world.

Twilight eyed me, of which I was rubbing my horn.

MrSing: Dude! Keep it PG!

She kissed my horn, then eyed the door behind us. Then she eyed me.

Scarlet: ~then I looked at her… then she looked at me…~

"On three?" questioned Twilight.

Crazy56U: And then Twilight pulled out two cyanide capsules.

"We leave?" I added.

SC276: How?! You kinda have the entire enemy force right on top of you!

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “... (quietly puts the capsules away) Yes. That is what I meant.”

"One."

Scarlet: Rise, Mobile Fortress!

Topher: I am NOT getting stepped on again. *Jumps down a hatch in the floor*

The animatronics started cracking the shield.

"Two."

Scarlet: Enhanced by the mystical power of two and a half Golden Freddy heads and SC’s fanboyism, a new power is born!

The animatronics destroyed the shield.

"Three!"

MrSing: Happy new year! Oh wait... we’re not doing that? Okay.

Scarlet: Behold! Mobile Fortress, Foxy! ™ *poses dramatically on top of a mech-size Foxy* ...aaaand I’m going to wait until the opportune moment to drop this.

SC276: ...OK, that is freakin’ awesome and I approve.

The animatronics jumped at us. We were fortunate

SC276: A.K.A. because the author said so.

to act just in time and scramble through the door, Twilight first, then me. I slammed the door shut behind us and used larger, stronger rocks to block the way so that the animatronics couldn't leave either.

Scarlet: ...Where did the rocks come from?

MrSing: Eat five pizza’s and win a free rock.

We may it out just in time and I'm glad my week in this place is over...all that remains is the whereabouts of Scott.

"I wonder why he didn't show up again." I slowly stated.

"I don't know," Twilight replied as we slowly walked home together, "but I wonder where he went."

Scarlet: Hell.

SC276: I miss Mangle and she didn’t even properly show up.

"Beats me," I sighed, "but I'm glad that it's all over. Now things can go back to normal."

"Yes they can." smiled my perfect little mare.

Scarlet: Not yet...

I continued smiling as Twilight and I walked home together.

"They are never put down."

Scott was busy in an unknown location, working on n unknown project in a dark room.

MrSing: FNAF the RPG!? The horror!

Scarlet: Not yet….

"They always have a place in our hearts."

SC276: Speak for yourself. That would require them getting enough exposure to make any sort of place whatsoever.

And with bolts awry, the unknown project began moving on its own, pleasing Scott to no avail.

SC276: ~The Springtrap has risen, goddamn he’s not alone~

Crazy56U: Oh my God… it’s the Souldozer!!!

MrSing: My Mecha-Frankenstein cosplay is finally complete!

"They will see," laughed Scott, sounding evilly in the process,

Crazy56U: [Phone Guy] “Hello, hello? Uh, apparently you made Scott the Big Bad?

...yeah, Scott’s not going to be happy, uh… see you in court.”

"they'll all see! You can't put us to sleep!"

SC276: What the fuck-

Scarlet: Now! *The Giant Foxy smashes the fic’s conclusion entirely, preventing any chance of a sequel from appearing and obliterating Luny entirely* And… yeah, that’s… that was it. That was a thing. I’m not much of a FNAF fan, but this… it strikes me as being basically flavor two of that Cupcakes Creepypasta. Equally terrible, equally unaware of what elements worked in the source material, equally unaware that there was no way the chosen format could ever have carried those elements over anyway. Crap, all the way down.

SC276: Yeah, pretty much! It’s pretty much just regurgitating bits of FNAF2 with no respect for the lore or gameplay put into them. No night in FNAF2 lets them get away with shit like this. Only Foxy does anything, we get nothing from Mangle or BB, and hell with it, none of the three Freddies did ANYTHING. We get no resolution on what the hell’s up with Purple Grape, even though she’s clearly supposed to stand in for the Purple Guy, or on any of the child disappearances! Or hell, any other employees besides Purple and Chaos Emerald, even when he specially says he wants to talk to other employees! We don’t hear anything about the mascots, including the “face” of the company, until the night shift starts, and when they go to eat at the place in the first place, it’s a fucking sit-down high-end Italian place with no signs of the mascots at all, even though it’s a Chuck E. Cheese expy, further evidence that the author did no fucking research on the series whatsoever except looking up the wiki for the Phone Guy messages just to flat-out copy them! And of course, as I stated earlier, if Twilight was ever in any actual danger, the Mane 6 would rip those bots apart by force-feeding them the rainbow!

Scarlet: Wow. And that’s not even getting into the WTF of just starting a story with a pre-established Alicorn OC who is living with Twilight and just takes the job because sure why not. I know it’s a common criticism of FNAF that no sane person would keep going back for subsequent shifts, but a story can come up with ways around that. Undercover cop or informant investigating the murders! Paranormal enthusiast! Just That Broke!

MrSing: Not to mention that the story is just plain boring.

SC276: Hey, that good FNAF crossover, one last time. On Night 3, I believe, Rainbow actually gets caught, by Bonnie, but by then she has the lightning stun batons - which have limited charges, by the way - so she zaps him, fights him off, and the rest of the night becomes a bit of a mini-action scene, if I recall correctly. That’s mixing it up. No player is expected to pass Night 3 without at least one death, and we see Rainbow’s precautions prove their worth. The animatronics are a threat to her, and Rainbow shows she is capable of defending herself as a hero of Equestria, unlike normal human night guards. Here? Not only are the animatronics so not-threatening it’s amazing even Foxy gets mentioned, but despite the perceived difficulties, once Twilight’s brought in to split tasks with them and chase them away by laughing for no explained reason, it’s astounding even Night 6 could be considered anything worthy of attention. It’s dumfounding how much of an absolute footnote this entire story is. And I don’t have any answer for what the fuck is going on in the ending, and I’m still trying to unravel FNAF4’s secrets so I really don’t give a shit!

Scarlet: Spoilers, the Bite of ‘87 was me. I think. I… yeah I don’t know this lore, I’ll assume it’s compelling enough if you’re into the games. In the meantime, though, I think we can all agree that your time would be better spent playing a horror game of choice than reading this story. Until next week, I’m taking my rear home and digging into some Silent Hill 3.

SC276: Have fun. Meanwhile, I have to figure out what to aim these slingshots at because the end of the fic was destroyed-OH CRAP THEY’RE LOOSE

Golden Freddies: REEEAAAAAAAH

*sounds of massive violence*

RingmasterJ5: Join us next time as we return to something that should be just as (if not more) terrifying, the finale of Starfleet Humans.

Scarlet: See? I said it would all end badly!

Crazy56U: (now missing an arm) ...somehow this hurts less than when I had my eye gouged out…

Topher: Which reminds me! Speaking of pain, I think you guys still need to experience a little more. *strides purposefully to the closet* Now, face the wrath of the NIGHTMARE FOXY ARMY! *swings open the closet door, diving behind it, as a pile of crushed and weakly roaring robot parts spills from the closet* Huh. Well, the moral of the story is: If you have a closet big enough for three killer robots, do not attempt to put fourteen in there. GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!

Fallen Prime: Oh, fuck no.

RingmasterJ5: It’s the 1st of the month, so by now you should all know what that means.

Fallen Prime: Ring, I hate you.

RingmasterJ5: I was hoping you would elaborate that the 1st of the month is always shitty short fics from 2012 posted on Fanfiction.net about horrible human OCs, but that works too.

Fallen Prime: I WAS gonna do that, but then I saw what the title of this one was. How. How and why.

RingmasterJ5: Back when I found “The Ponyville Curse”, it was one of two search results that instantly stood out to me, and I knew I had to save the other for October. And here it is.

Fallen Prime: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck my life.

RingmasterJ5: This story is literally a terrible Cupcakes rewrite in 4000 words with an awful self-insert’s reactions thrown in there, so in other words it’s hot garbage. Without further ado, “Cupcakes: Creepypasta Edition” by Vornado.
Something: Beautiful. Well, considering how I’m bolted into this chair

Lord Shaxx: I was gonna ask what did I miss, but looks like I’m just in time.

NaturalGlitch: I have a little message to everyone who made the original fanfic Cupcakes into something legendary:

Crazy56U: Well, I’m currently sick right now... Can’t feel any shittier, so…

Topher: And I thought I would never get to use THIS again. Our last creepypasta only left out three tropes from this list, let’s see if this guy can do any better.

A/N: This is NOT the complete story of Cupcakes,

Something: Studio interference shoehorned in a subplot focusing on the new character, Muffins. They really wanted a spinoff.

Scarlet: The complete story will air at nine on Channel Five news.

Lord Shaxx: But before that, breaking news about Trump-snake.
Crazy56U: It’s the Cliffnotes Edition! (dun dun duuuun)

Topher: Upgrade your package to pastaplustm for the complete version!

just what an episode would be like as a creepypasta.

NaturalGlitch: “So—out of the gate I’m admitting this isn’t real and I have no originality. SPOOKY!~”

Crazy56U: ...but, technically speaking, the original was already a Spookyspaghetti...

I changed things/left things out on purpose because, otherwise, it would just be Cupcakes copy/pasted.

Something: Maybe instead of a creepypasta, it should be called a copypasta.

Scarlet: Maybe I should’ve rethought my life before beginning this riff.

Dark Angel: Maybe you should’ve rethought your life before becoming a riffer in the first place.

NaturalGlitch: I don’t have a life, so I have nothing to lose.

Crazy56U: This got dark really fast, holy shit…

Dark Angel: And the fic itself hasn’t even started yet!

If you want to read the real thing, go search for "Cupcakes".

Something: That would actually be a nice break considering the shit I’ve read.

Dark Angel: Cupcakes, so sweet and tasty. Cupcakes, don’t be too hasty. Cupcakes. Cupcakes, cupcakes, cupcakes!

Crazy56U: Uh... ...okay...

Dark Angel: Did that just make Cupcakes look bright and cheerful, or did I just have a stroke?

Otherwise, R&R.

Something: Whatever that means.

RingmasterJ5: It’s FFNet speak for “read and review”... but it really means “read and give me praise or I’ll delete and block you.” So pretty much the same as FiMFic.

Scarlet: What’s that? Rampage and Raze? Got it! *makes Godzilla noises*

Topher: RAMPAAAAAAAGE! (brandishes flamethrower)

Lord Shaxx: Mayhem Clash! Enjoy yourselves, Guardians!

Dark Angel: Remember the days when R&R mean “Rest and Relaxation”? Something we’ve given up on a long time ago.

Crazy56U: Cool, I have some R&R… Along with some D&S, W&W, and S&J.

I'm next. I know I'm next.

Crazy56U: He waiting to be called on down to play “The Price is Right”...

Dark Angel: Ever since Drew Carey took over as host, it hasn’t been the same.

It's only a matter of time. ...I should never have watched that episode,

Something: A period AND an ellipses. We are in the presence of a true master.

Dark Angel: A master of what, I’m not sure I want to know.

Crazy56U: “Why’d I watch ‘Squidward’s Suicide’, what’s wrong with me... I’ve mixed

up my pastas...”

if it could even be called that…

Lord Shaxx: Can this even be called a fanfic?

Dark Angel: The answer is yes. Can this be called a good fanfic? Let’s just say that if that were the case, we wouldn’t have gotten involved.

Crazy56U: Well, it can also be called “Tim”, but only in certain circumstances...

I guess I need to explain. It may be the last thing I ever do, but I NEED to explain!

Something: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, goddammit!”

NaturalGlitch: “The monster is right at my door, but I have to write this down first!”

Crazy56U: “Titanic was faked and James Cameron is actually a bear in disguise!”

I'm a brony.

Lord Shaxx: No shit, Sherlock.

Something: Congratulations.

Dark Angel: We personally don’t care what religion you are.

NaturalGlitch: “My neck is covered in what I like to call my mating ritual. Don’t worry, I’m a nice guy.”

Crazy56U: (deadpan) woooooooo

I've been a brony for about six months now.

Crazy56U: (even more deadpan) super woooooooo

Before then, I was like most other boys my age,

RJ: Into football, CoD, and the constant debate of drapes vs curtains.

Crazy56U: And calling each other derogatory insults...

thinking that the MLP show was just for seven-year-old girls and gays(NO OFFENSE TO THOSE PEOPLE!)

Fallen Prime: Off to a great start, buddy.

Scarlet: Oh joy. I just compulsively killed a small animal in rage. Again.

Lord Shaxx: I think I’m going to punch a baby…...

Dark Angel: Everyone just take a deep breath and remember that Mykan did NOT write this.

Scarlet: That’s supposed to make anything better?

Dark Angel: Yes, because at least this fic is a short one-shot. It’ll be over quickly.

NaturalGlitch: Well, he’s right about it being for girls… until a bunch of manchildren decided to make it all about them, and think it’s their constitutional right to draw smut of the show and shove it in everyone's faces.

Crazy56U: I am now anticipating your death...

Then my friend, who's also a brony, tricked me into watching an episode on YouTube(I'm not going into details here...)

Scarlet: Why do all these creepypasta need to start with a brony origin story? Isn’t that kind of like starting The Ring off with an explanation about how the main character bought their first VCR?

Lord Shaxx: Yep, definitely going to punch a baby.

Dark Angel: Yeah, better make it a double.

NaturalGlitch: “The fedora appeared more and more on my head the longer I watched.”

Crazy56U: At least he doesn’t explain how Youtube works…

Dark Angel: That’s only in the director’s cut.

Topher: Ah, I remember my first episode. Soldier through it, boy. It only gets better.

At first, I couldn't believe ANYONE would watch this show, but after watching the whole thing... I don't know.

NaturalGlitch: “Maybe it’s because the show was basically saying that every girl on the planet isn’t obsessed with pink and tea parties, ones that like action, adventure and comedy. ...nah, that’s not it.”

Crazy56U: “And I still don’t. I don’t know my lot in life anymore. Every waking moment of my life has been taken over by horses and spooks.”

Dark Angel: The horses and the spooks sometimes being the same thing.

Maybe it was the animation, maybe it was the jokes, maybe it was Pinkie Pie,

Scarlet: Maybe it was a mind-altering parasite.

Lord Shaxx: Maybe it was actual cannibal Shia Labeouf.

NaturalGlitch: “I have designated Pinkie to be my Tulpa. For some reason she keeps yelling at me, though.”

Crazy56U: Definitely not the third thing…

Topher: Remember when tulpas were just called Imaginary Friends?

Dark Angel: Wait, that’s what a Tulpa is? When did the term Imaginary Friend change?!

Scarlet: The magic of the internet. And personally, I call all my imaginary friends “Stands.”

but I started waching more episodes and... I guess it's pretty obvious what happened.

NaturalGlitch: You went to McDonald's and ordered a kids meal for yourself to get the MLP toy?

Crazy56U: You spontaneously became a cabbage?

RJ: You decided to write a creepypasta fic and fail at it? … oh, wait...

In no time at all, I watched all the episodes released so far. I practically fell in love with the show, especially Pinkie Pie.

Scarlet: “I constructed a small shrine to her in my apartment using only spun sugar and ear wax.”

Lord Shaxx: *Grabs paper bag* I did not need to read that. Or the rest of the fic, for that matter.

Dark Angel: And the disturbing part is that since it’s been built, he probably filled it with other ‘juices’ if ya know what I mean.

NaturalGlitch: “I even dunked my dog in pink paint. I was sent away in a white van when I tried to staple cotton candy to his head.”

Crazy56U: Well that’s too bad, given what story this is. Wah wah waaaaah.

Heck, I don't even know if I'd have started watching the show if it didn't have Pinkie Pie.

NaturalGlitch: It totally doesn’t have to do with the fact that, even though she’s fake, Pinkie is the only one that would ever make a party just for you?

Crazy56U: I’d complain… but she is kind of the reason why I started watching FIM. ...granted, it was because of me learning about “Party of One”, but…

Topher: I too, was amused by the antics of the pink horse.

Crazy56U: ...didn’t say I was amused, pal...

Dark Angel: What got me into it was ironically a parody series.

She's probably the best character in the history of cartoons!

Scarlet: “Let me show you my vast collection of erotic fanart of her!”

Lord Shaxx: Can’t top Scootaloo’s collection of RD porn, though.

Dark Angel: Or Twilight’s collection of books…

NaturalGlitch: It was only a matter of time before someone made a pedo joke, I guess…

Crazy56U: No, that would be Mabel Pines, dipshit.

So imagine my disappointment when I finished watching all the episodes.

NaturalGlitch: “Now I had time on my hands, and when I do, the voices start talking to me.”

Crazy56U: This is still 2012, right? Or is this one of those particularly bad Spoopytales that takes place in the future for some reason...

Only two episodes actually featured her!

NaturalGlitch: But she was in the other episodes too, so what’s the big deal?

Crazy56U: Call me crazy, shut up, but I don’t think that’s an accurate estimate. I wanna see his calculations…

Dark Angel: Damnit! You shut me up before I could say it. Seriously, why do you have to be Crazy?

Crazy56U: I’ll answer that when you explain your name...

I mean, the other ponies were pretty cool, but still... With each new episode released, I wished for another episode she starred in.

Scarlet: “I carved her name into my flesh, so I could feel closer to her.”

Lord Shaxx: “Yandere, honey? Are you okay?”

NaturalGlitch: “I replaced my hair with pink bubble gum so I can absorb her into my soul.”

Crazy56U: And then he watched “Too Many Pinkie Pies”, and he began to rethink his life choices...

NaturalGlitch: ... (slams head into desk) Ow.

Crazy56U: ...okay, then.

Dark Angel: This shittypasta is barely out of the starting gate and already the insanity is causing people to have spasms.

Crazy56U: No, I think my “Too Many Pinkie Pies” comment was to blame for that, not this tripe...

I guess I got my wish. WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS WISH?

Something: “I just wanted a burrito, goddammit!”

NaturalGlitch: “What the hell am I going to do with all this hay?! ...hang on...”

Crazy56U: “Why couldn’t it have been my wish for Donald Trump to spontaneously combust?! WHY GODDAMNIT?!”

Dark Angel: That would never happen. His hair would absorb the impact.
Crazy56U: Let me dream.

Topher: Genies are dicks, boyo. Check your facts before rubbing the lamp.

Dark Angel: Also, think twice about what happens when you rub things before… rubbing anything.

Last Wednesday, I woke up early. VERY early, like, at 3:00 in the morning,

Lord Shaxx: I went to sleep at 3:00 am. Woke up at 7:30. Top that, you hussie.

NaturalGlitch: “But, what can I expect, with being a chronic bed wetter and all.”

Crazy56U: “Serves me right for chugging that Big Gulp before going to bed...”

Topher: SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK. Also for the sane, BUT MAINLY FOR THE WEAK!

Dark Angel: I won’t sleep for a long time because this shittypasta will give me nightmares…and not because it’s scary.

and for some reason, I couldn't go back to sleep! I tried for maybe 10 minutes, but I was wide awake!

Scarlet: How very exciting! Perhaps it requires some extra emphasis!

Dark Angel: You tried for a whole ten minutes? That’s like FOREVER!

NaturalGlitch: “Why did I inject Red Bull directly into my eyes?!”

Crazy56U: The cocaine kicked in.

Lord Shaxx: Huh. I’m sure there’s a weed joke I can make, but I just can’t think of one.

Dark Angel: That’s probably because weed isn’t trippy enough for this fic.

So I turned on the TV in my room. If i wasn't going back to sleep, I had to do something!

NaturalGlitch: “Maybe I should ask that strange man what he’s doing in my house.”

Crazy56U: He was going to watch Apollo 18 and lull himself back to sleep through boredom. ...serious note, who here remembers that film?

Topher: I remember seeing it in my Netflix recommendations once, does that count?

Crazy56U: Unless you watched it, no.

Dark Angel: I vaguely remember Apollo 13.

I knew nothing good was on at this time, but I turned to The Hub anyway.

Crazy56U: ... (deep sigh) Gone too soon... (salutes)

Topher: (suddenly sporting a black t-shirt, screaming at the sky) DISCOVERYYYY FAMILYYYYYYYYY!

Dark Angel: CUPCAAAAAAAKES!!!

Lord Shaxx: And suddenly, Mexico is out to get you.

They have these old sitcoms at this time, which I never really liked,

NaturalGlitch: “—because there isn’t enough gratuitous porn about them that I can use for my bathroom time.”

Crazy56U: So, was he gonna get caught up on ALF? Is this going to become a sequel to that ALF Creepypasta?

but it was better than watching some infomercial on every other channel,

Scarlet: I suppose this was written after Adult Swim stopped airing re-runs of Cowboy Bebop.

NaturalGlitch: Why didn’t he just go to YouTube? I’m assuming he doesn’t have Netflix, but he obviously has internet.

Crazy56U: He just didn’t want to be tormented by this manufactured horror…

Topher: Of all the things I have experienced… bloody battles, rooms full of eviscerated corpses, people burning alive (and that was just a normal tuesday for me)… This is the first time I’m horrified. I… I can’t stay on this earth anymore. *shoots himself in the forehead*

Dark Angel: He won’t be gone that long.

Topher: (sits up) Wow! Three seconds! That’s the longest I’ve ever been dead!

so I just laid back and watched the episode of "Happy Days" that was on.

NaturalGlitch: “I didn’t realise The Hub was channel 666 on my TV.”

Crazy56U: “Oh, cool, it’s that episode about the shark!!!”

I was pretty tired after that, and I didn't want to watch Laverne and Shirley(yeesh!), so I reached for my remote to turn it off.

Scarlet: And in ten seconds, there will be a lost episode.

NaturalGlitch: So spooky! I’m glad that, while being terrified and frantic, the author feels the need to tell us about his channel surfing.

Crazy56U: Well, truth be told, if he had to choose between “Cupcakes” and Laverne and Shirley... ...actually, no, he should’ve stuck with Laverne and Shirley…

Dark Angel: It’s the lesser of two evils… though not by much.

Then the channel announced probably the last thing I ever expected: That a new episode of My Little Pony was on next!

Scarlet: It will be impossible for it to be airing at this time.

NaturalGlitch: I’m going to assume he’s dreaming this. I’m just glad it’s not a wet dream. ...or maybe it is to this guy.

Crazy56U: Given the types of fan fics featured here, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out he entered a time warp and it is now 11AM or something…

Dark Angel: I just realized that I think there’s a Groundhog’s Day reference in EqG: Friendship Games.

Crazy56U: No, that’s a spoiler for the season 5 finale.

I was like "...What?"

NaturalGlitch: Beautiful! Cleverly done, sir!

Crazy56U: The narrator is confirmed to be Keanu Reeves.

Topher: If that’s the case, then it means the Internet is leaking into the Matrix again.

Dark Angel: So that’s why everyone keeps turning into Rick Astley.

They already aired the latest episode last Saturday, so how could they be airing another one now? And why at this time, when all the fans were asleep?

Scarlet: Despite these suspicious circumstances, you will watch it anyway because you have the genre savviness of an ant.

Crazy56U: I chalk it up to there being a glitch in the Matrix yes I am sticking with my “he’s Keanu Reeves” theory, shut up.

NaturalGlitch: Was it a… natural glitch? (toothy grin)

Crazy56U: (slams your head into the table)

...I shrugged it off.

NaturalGlitch: Take a drink!

Crazy56U: “Eh, fuck it, we need spoops...”

Topher: I guess it was too much to ask for some creativity.

Dark Angel: Eeyup.

It was an episode of one of my favorite shows after all, AND a NEW one even! Watching it would earn me some bragging rights with the brony community!

Lord Shaxx: Writing about watching a well-known fic does not earn you street cred, numbnuts.

Something: Fandom bragging rights is not something to be pleased about.

Scarlet: The genre savviness of an ant who is drunk.

NaturalGlitch: “Because I literally have nothing else to be proud of!”

Crazy56U: “I know about ‘Cupcakes’! I AM BETTER THAN YOU!”

Dark Angel: I have a feeling that the fandom is gonna need a guardian Angel after this.

So I sat back in my bed and waited for it to come on.

Something: “Twelve years later, I was still waiting.”

Lord Shaxx: “Still not airing? UNNACCEPTAAAAABBLLEEEEEEEE!

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) Waiting. (ding!)

If I had just gone to sleep, I would probably be safe now...

Something: From what? Fire? Scorpions? Another season of 2 Broke Girls?

Lord Shaxx: Or, God forbid, reruns from Gen 3!

Dark Angel: Or the episode *gulp* Princess Spike.
NaturalGlitch: (rolls eyes) Oh, God, here we go…

Crazy56U: OR, horror of horrors... ...a repeat of “Return of Harmony, Part 1”!!!

Topher: Oh, boy! I can’t wait to see the comments on this riff!

Scarlet: And while we’re at it, I didn’t like Lesson Zero!

The episode was a bit weird from the beginning.

NaturalGlitch: “It didn’t conform to my way of thinking, it invalidated my favorite fanfiction/porn, and it dare to change the status quo! This is ruining the integrity of the show! I’m a grown man!”

Crazy56U: Ah, so it’s “Magical Mystery Cure” then?

Dark Angel: Seriously, that episode was like if My Little Pony was a bad musical.

Scarlet: Lies. “Morning in Ponyville” redeems all of the runtime problems.

There was no cold opening or theme song, it just opened on a blue sky full of clouds.

Scarlet: No, honey, you switched channels. That’s “The Simpsons”.

Dark Angel: If this is a Cupcakes creepypasta, then why is he watching an episode about Rainbow Factory?

NaturalGlitch: Um… doesn’t the show normally have an opener before the beginning credits?

Dark Angel: Eeyup.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, “Up”.

After a second, the title came up. "Cupcakes", and that was it... No other credits at all.

NaturalGlitch: “Three save files?! What the fuck was this doing in the first Sonic game?!”

Crazy56U: Suddenly, everyone in Ponyville began to panic because of the sudden appearance of giant-honking letters in the sky.

Dark Angel: I’m suddenly reminded of a Geiko commercial.

What was this..? I put the question on hold a few seconds later when Rainbow Dash entered the scene. At least SHE was normal

Scarlet: [Rainbow Dash] “What did you just say about me, punk?”

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “The voices are back!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “RAINBOW FACTORY!”

Dark Angel: [Rainbow Dash] “A FRIENDSHIP BROKEN BY LOYALTY!!!”

! She was smiling and flying through the sky, leaving her rainbow trail as she punched holes in the clouds.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “It’s Monday, cloud, so where’s my money?”

Crazy56U: Damn it, Rainbow’s giving herself brain damage by going that! ...somehow!

Dark Angel: Hell, she’s giving us brai dabage by ding that!

The camera followed her while she flew over a schoolhouse, making the little ponies scream in delight and awe.

Scarlet: “OH GOD SHE JUST BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER RIGHT NEXT TO MY EAR I THINK IT’S BLEEDING”

Dark Angel: “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU BECAUSE MY EAR IS BLEEDING!”

NaturalGlitch: “DOES THIS MEAN SCHOOL IS CANCELLED?! WHOO!!”

Crazy56U: “IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, AND I DON’T FEEL FINE!!!”

Then she started doing all these tricks: Loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, circles, and things I don't have names for.

Scarlet: Ah, yes. Lovecraftian aerial stunts.

Lord Shaxx: OH GOD I CAN’T SEE MY EYES ARE BLEEDING

NaturalGlitch: Are we finally going to see what the Buccaneer Blitz looks like?

Crazy56U: And then she pulls off the Double Rainboom. And then the episode got even worse…

Dark Angel: “The pressure caused me to void my bowels!”

Topher: Oh god! I remember the last time he pulled off a multiple rainboom! I’M NOT GOING TO DIE AGAIN THIS SOON! ABANDON FIC!! (jumps through a hatch in the floor)

To finish it all off, she flew up in the air, dove at the ground, and pulled up at the last second.

NaturalGlitch: “That’s when enemy fighters came up on her side and fired missiles at her! Rainbow barely dodged them!”

Crazy56U: Hmm... Kenny, you got anything to add here?

Dark Angel: Huh. I was expecting a link to a South Park video.

Crazy56U: (scoff) I have some standards, okay?

Dark Angel: Since when do riffers have standards?

I probably didn't notice at the time, but, looking back, I realize there was no music, just sounds of Rainbow flying.

Scarlet: Um, author? I hate to break it to you but we all know the plot of Cupcakes… author? Author? You’re wasting our time!

Dark Angel: Also, I’m pretty sure you’d notice there not being music in a show that constantly has music.

NaturalGlitch: “A thing happen that was different from the normal show?! SPOOKY!!”

Crazy56U: “It was then that I realized that I accidentally muted the TV.”

Dark Angel: I’d ask if we can mute this shittypasta. But that’s like having a deaf man listen to music.

She continued to fly for a few more seconds... then she just stopped.

NaturalGlitch: “That’s when she started breakdancing, complete with techno.”

Dark Angel: This was the first thing that came to mind when I saw breakdancing.

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) Rainbow Dash is a dick to physics. (ding!)

The camera zoomed in until all we could see was her face. Her eyes widened, like she was scared.

Scarlet: [Rainbow Dash] “Aw, feathers, I’m not in another creepypasta, am I?”

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “When you stare into an abyss...you get really bored.”

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow began screaming.

"Shoot!" she yelled. "I gotta get to Pinkie Pie's!"

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “I need some party planning for Scootaloo’s surprise party!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I almost forgot what story this was supposed to be; Pinkie’s supposed to be drugging me by now!”

Dark Angel: [Dash] “Oh no, I’m late! Pinkie’s gonna kill me!”

Topher: (wakes up) *snort* yes, yes, I was paying attention. Rainbow has to shoot Pinkie, got it.

Then she just took off again, the camera following her as she zoomed through the sky at top speed.

Something: In this case, being two miles per hour.

Dark Angel: I’d make a comment about that just being the speed his brain is working. But I’m pretty sure that it would be allot slower than two miles an hour.
NaturalGlitch: It’s probably the speed of smell.

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow merged with the Speed Force.

Dark Angel: Is it me, or are we using a lot of speed?

At this point, you're probably expecting me to say

NaturalGlitch: “—that I’m not into little kids sharting on each other, but...”

Crazy56U: “more things, but honestly, I don’t care anymore, I’m gonna take a nap now. (snore)”

Topher: At this point, you’re probably expecting me to say “At this point, you’re probably expecting me to say”

"The animation got choppy and the colors started bleeding into impossible, creepy colors, like some 8th grader made this."

Scarlet: Well, honestly, no. That might have been moderately amusing. I expect nothing but bland, recycled Cupcakes.

Dark Angel: Seriously, why would he think we’d expect him to say that?

NaturalGlitch: Because that’s literally every other “Lost Episode” creepypasta ever.

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) Narrator is a dick to 8th graders. (ding!)

...Well, they didn't. It looked just like a regular episode with the same fluidity of animation and same advanced shading and coloring.

NaturalGlitch: This must be a fan animation. Because, you know, if there’s one fic that defines what a brony is, it’s Cupcakes. Seriously, fuck that story.

Crazy56U: Right there with ya, pal.

Topher: But cupcakes is my favorite fanfic! I get all my culinary prowess from it! By the way, anyone care for a sandwich? Made with really %100 actually real ham! Nothing untoward!

Dark Angel: I know I should be apprehensive, considering who made it. But (stomach rumbles) What the hell. (takes sandwich)

Scarlet: “Defines what a brony is”? Oh come now, give “My Little Dashie” some credit.

Heck, if anything, the animation was slightly better, if that was even possible!

Scarlet: I see that *insert topical fan animator here* got a budget increase.

Dark Angel: Actually, when they put the time and energy into it, you’d be surprised how good some fan animations can be. Have you ever seen Lullaby for a Princess?

NaturalGlitch: “It’s like they animated this frame-by-frame instead of using tweens!”

Crazy56U: An entire F-Sack of them!

After a few more seconds, the camera switched to an outside view of Sugarcube Corner, the bakery Pinkie Pie works in,

NaturalGlitch: I’m so happy you had to clarify that.

Crazy56U: Instead of the meth lab she works in on the weekends.

with Rainbow Dash arriving at the front of the building a split-second later.

Scarlet: *prods the fic* Yup… it’s full of padding. All the way to the brim.

Dark Angel: Seriously, who feels like they have to describe that Pinkie Pie works at Sugarcube Corner? If you’re a fan of the show, you know that. If you’re not, chances are they weren’t reading this fic to begin with.

Crazy56U: Why are you going point by point, Author. Just skip to the part worth a damn…

Dark Angel: Yes, take Crazy’s advice and skip to the end.

Crazy56U: Exactly.

The camera changed to an inside view, with an out-of-breath Rainbow Dash

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Phew! Was there supposed to be a hurricane scheduled for today or something?”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Aw, geeze Rainbow, did you forget how to breath again?”

[Rainbow] “(wheeze) Maybe... (collapses)”

walking through the door and across the floor, where she met PINKIE PIE!

Something: “Not the real Pinkie Pie, just some clone that refers to herself in all caps.”

Scarlet: “MY ANGEL OF THE PARTY.”

Dark Angel: What about me and parties?
NaturalGlitch: [PINKIE PIE] “WHY YES I AM PINKIE PIE. BEEP BOOP BLIP. NOT A ROBOT.”

Crazy56U: “Sorry ‘bout that, stubbed my toe... ...ow…”

I was smiling. FINALLY, another episode starring my favorite pony!

NaturalGlitch: “Tirek! Wait—no—what? Well...he’s a centaur, so it kinda counts?”

Crazy56U: “Mane-iac! Wait, she has green hair…”

Lord Shaxx: “Lassie!”

Dark Angel: Did Timmy fall in the well again?

Pinkie greeted Rainbow Dash and Dash apologized for being late, then asked what they were doing. "Making Cupcakes!"

Scarlet: oh no I hope that in no way will this end badly.

Dark Angel: It’s just baking cupcakes. How could that… (remembers Applejack’s baked ‘bads’) …Oh, right.

Crazy56U: Astounding, I’m already bored. I mean, you could’ve mixed it up a bit, to make it somewhat suspenseful, but no. This fic is a saddening bore, 'cause it's been wrote ten times or more! GET ON WITH IT!

Lord Shaxx: GET ON WITH IT!

Dark Angel: GET ON WITH IT!

Topher: GET ON WITH IT!

the hopping pony told her.

Crazy56U: Pinkie confirmed part-Tigger. ...or part-Spoink.

Dark Angel: Or part pogo stick.

Dash told her she wasn't a good baker, but Pinkie said Dash wouldn't be doing any work, she would just be helping.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “I made my previous Cupcake song into a dance-mix, and I need a dance partner while the actual cupcakes finish baking!”

Crazy56U: As in taste-testing the knockout drug. That will be used to knock Rainbow out. Because Cupcakes. Again, WHY GO POINT FOR POINT?!

...Yeah, that confused me as much as it probably confused Dash.

Scarlet: “I was stupid that way.”

Dark Angel: If he was as much of a fan of Pinkie Pie as he claims, he wouldn’t have been confused because that kind of response is on par with Pinkie Pie.

NaturalGlitch: “And that’s when I fell asleep; it was the one where I get home from work and Pinkie is on my couch rubbing her tummy while staring at me...”

Crazy56U: “I mean, Pinkie never done good things... She never done bad things... She never did anything out of the blue… So, why here…”

Dash seemed alright with it though and said she'd help. Pinkie gave her a cupcake, which the confused Pegasus ate.

Scarlet: Well, don’t mind if I do! *reaches out and steals the cupcake before swallowing it*

Dark Angel: [Rainbow Dash] “Why do I suddenly feel like I went to Burger King?” I wonder how many people will get that reference.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “(pukes up the cupcake) BLEUGH! Why does this taste like mayo?!”

[Pinkie] “(scoff) Well, excuse me for being creative!”

Lord Shaxx: Let’s all agree, to never be creative again.

The camera changed so that we were looking through Dash's eyes at Pinkie. "Now, you take a nap." Pinkie told her.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Oopsies! That was my ‘anti-midnight snack’ cupcakes! It’s supposed to help you sleep so you don’t overstuff yourself.”

Crazy56U: Jesus, you even rehashed that line verbatim? Even in the original story, that wasn’t creepy. It was too on the nose!

Just then, the camera started shaking and swaying from side to side as I heard Dash groan.

Something: [Dash] “I told you last time, don’t put kale in the cupcakes! It tastes awful!”

Scarlet: *belches flame* … okay, I admit I didn’t quite expect that reaction, but I’ll roll with it.

Crazy56U: Oh, great, not only is Rainbow poisoned, now the camerapony is drunk as fuck!

Dark Angel: Actually, that sounds like a good idea. *takes a drink of rum*

"..Wait, did Pinkie just drug her?" I asked myself as I watched the screen get hazy.

Lord Shaxx: Author, meet the date rape drug.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie, sad] “Are my cupcakes so boring that you went to sleep?”

Crazy56U: No. Shit. Sherlock.

Dark Angel: [Rainbow Dash] “It’s not the Cupcake. It’s just that the shittypasta we’re in is so boring that it causes narca-(falls asleep)”

A second later, there was a *THUMP* sound and everything went dark.

Something: And everything was lovely once again.

NaturalGlitch: “Turns out it was me rolling around on my couch.”

Crazy56U: *cue happy credits music*

Then, the nightmare started, both for her and for me.

Something: Well, as of this writing it is October. Time to get spoopy.

Lord Shaxx: 3Spoopyee5yee
NaturalGlitch: “I like the movie, but do they have to play Nightmare before Christmas every night in October?”

Lord Shaxx: That is legitimately a family tradition for me. And I rather enjoy it.

Crazy56U: And I don’t feel… a thing.

A few seconds later, I heard the sounds of Dash waking up.

NaturalGlitch: “She must’ve ate something spicy, because—WHOO!—those sounds...”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Ugh… I feel like I got hit with a sack of bricks...”

Dark Angel: [Pinkie] (nervously) “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” (pushes sack of bricks under a sheet)

Topher: What the? (checks pocket) How did she get my sack of bricks? we’re on opposite sides of the fourth wall! Oh, right Pinkie.

The screen started to clear up again, showing that we were still looking at things from Rainbow's point of view...

Crazy56U: You know, I don’t think Greenlighting “Cupcakes Simulator” on Steam was such a good idea…

Topher: But wait until Markiplier gets his hands on it!

not that we could see much though

Scarlet: Damn it, Pinkie! You spent up the electricity budget on streamers again!

Dark Angel: Well, she has to reload her party cannon somehow.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “What do you mean we can’t brighten a dark room with a smile?”

Crazy56U: Clap on! (clap clap) (let there be light)

. Wherever she was, it was very dark. Dash made some confused noises,

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “BRAAAAAAP! (blushes) Sorry—had one too many sodas.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “???????? !!!!!!! &?!&?!&?!”

Lord Shaxx: *Insert humorous statement here*

then the camera rattled slighty,

Crazy56U: The camera is infested with snakes!

Dark Angel: [Snake] “SSSeymor, I told you that Pinkie’sss wasss the bessst choiccce to get cupcakesss.”

like she was trying to turn her head, which she apparently couldn't.

Something: Just a friendly reminder that I find creepypastas to be really goddamn boring.

NaturalGlitch: How is this guy not asleep yet?

Crazy56U: (chugs a can of Monster)

Lord Shaxx: Only reason I’m still up is because Mykan has decided to haunt my dreams.

When the perspective changed, I jumped. Dash was strapped to a crappy wooden table,

Scarlet: “Like, the quality was absolutely terrible! It was probably purchased at a flea market or something!”

Dark Angel: Actually, that does sound on par of what Pinkie would do.

Crazy56U: So, it came from Ikea?

braces around her hooves, chest, and neck!

NaturalGlitch: “She couldn’t break them because...um... (wiggles arms in the air) WOOGIE WHOO!”

Crazy56U: But not in her mouth, because.

She continued struggling for a few more seconds as I watched, then she stopped as the sound of squeaky wheels began.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “And now you’re going to watch my vacation slides against your will, Dash! Muahahahhaha!” [Dash] “Nooo!~”

Crazy56U: (pulls out an oil can) I can fix that, on the grounds that the fic ends right here and now.

Topher: Yes, my student! Feel the power of the fire you control! Now, set it free! LET IT OUT! LET THE WORLD SEE THE POWER THAT YOU CONTROL! LET THEM BURN IN YOUR AWESOME PRESENCE!

Scarlet: Huh? Oh. ‘Kay. *shrugs and immolates himself* And….. yeah, it’s not really doing it for me.

Topher: Well, it’s normal procedure to set the other people on fire, but I love the creativity!

Crazy56U: (slams oil can into Topher’s head) Shush.

Topher: Ok, you’ve given me a headache. It’s a step in the right direction. Allow me to demonstrate a more effective method. (shoots Crazy in the head)

Perspective switched back to Dash's, and Pinkie came into view, pushing a cart and wearing some weird multi-colored dress.

Scarlet: *rolls dice* And… yup, it’s come up Musical Theater reference.

Dark Angel: I saw that reference coming since before I clicked on the link.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “And now I shall show you my interpretive dance.” [Dash] “Just kill me already!”

Crazy56U: She looked like a clown’s septic tank after years of partying way too hard. Or, in other words, she stole the Sixth Doctor’s outfit.

Pinkie and Dash started talking, Dash asking what was going on. "I need some more special ingredients." Pinkie said. "What special ingredients?" Dash asked. "You, silly!"

Something: There’s a different thing involving cannibalism that I can be watching right now…

Scarlet: Really? I thought Hannibal was cancelled.

Crazy56U: Why bring that up?! says the guy who never saw it.

Lord Shaxx: Ever seen Rob Cantor’s Shia Labeouf live music video?
NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “I must hug you to bring me my confidence back as a baker.” [Dash] “So...why the braces?” [Pinkie] “So you don’t leave when I read you Maud’s poetry, silly!”

Lord Shaxx: [Dash] ...And the towel? And the fish in my ear?

Dark Angel: [Pinkie] “Some hitchhiker did all that.”

"Wait, what?" was the only thing on my mind.

Crazy56U: Dumbass, it’s not that hard to follow!

Dark Angel: Don’t forget what size his brain really is.

The show had been getting a little mature ever since the company realized more teenagers and young adults than little kids were watching this,

NaturalGlitch: Get fucked, author. You so completely missed the point of the show that I’m sure you need reminders to help you blink and talk at the same time.

Crazy56U: Oh God, he’s one of those people…

Dark Angel: [Applejack] “Eyes peeled, ears open. Eyes peeled, ears open.”

like when Twilight completely lost it in that early Season 2 episode, but this was ridiculous.

Scarlet: Almost as if this was a well-known fan work created with the adult fanbase in mind. HUH.

Dark Angel: I’m pretty sure that Lesson Zero was not a more mature episode than any others. The most mature the series ever got was the Twilight’s Kingdom two-parter. Either that or Tanks for the Memories.

NaturalGlitch: It was the fans that made Lesson Zero into a big deal, not the show. It’s also one of the things bronies will not shut up about.

Dark Angel: I know. What’s so great about Lesson Zero?

Crazy56U: Well, it’s not as bad as the “Canterlot Wedding” discussions…

Lord Shaxx: It can always be worse. Always remember that.

Dark Angel: If we riff it, it means it’s worse.

My attention turned back to the screen.

NaturalGlitch: “The seductive look the floor was giving me didn’t sway me from watching a horse show meant for girls.”

Crazy56U: “Because I apparently decided to stare at the ceiling fan while having my asinine thought process…”

The camera was on Dash, who was laughing nervously and protesting with Pinkie, saying that it was all a joke and other ponies would find her.

Scarlet: The riff returned to Scarlet, who grew bored of repackaged horrorfic which lacks all the flair and controlled mood of the original story.

Lord Shaxx: Lord Shaxx promptly took back his microphone so he could continue announcing the Crucible.

Dark Angel: At the witness of this massacre of a somewhat decent horrorfic, Dark Angel saw a gun on the table and was considering shooting himself. When he finally made the choice to end it, he found that it was just a water gun.

NaturalGlitch: The last thing NaturalGlitch saw was his alarm clock flashing 12:07 before she pushed her long rotting nails through his chest, her other hand muffling his screams. He sat bolt upright, relieved it was only a dream, but as he saw his alarm clock read 12:06, he heard his closet door creak open.

Crazy56U: Crazy56U nonchalantly grabbed a tissue from a nearby tissue box so he could blow his nose, as he still had a cold at the time of explaining this. (honk) He then typed out the sound effect of him blowing his nose, because he’s weird like that.

Then perspective went back to Pinkie, who told the Pegasus it wasn't a joke and that she'd been doing this for some time.

NaturalGlitch: (whiffs his hand in front of his nose) EWW! That’s some rancid shit right there!

Crazy56U: You know, explaining dialogue is just as lazy, if not more so, than simply rehashing it…

Lord Shaxx: And the reason for that is...

Crazy56U: Because, while you are rehashing dialogue, at least you’re having the

characters talk. There’s a big difference between characters rehashing lines, and the

narrator describing the rehashing of lines.

Then she turned on the lights in the room.

Something: It was, in reality, a horror-themed surprise birthday party.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, this became “Party of One”.

Lord Shaxx: *Mr. Popo intensifies*

I nearly fell out of bed.

Something: “Goddamn this bed sucks. Fucking IKEA...”

Dark Angel: Seriously, I have a bed with a broken box spring and I’ve never had an issue like that.

Lord Shaxx: Loft beds are above all other beds.
NaturalGlitch: “I realised I was sitting on a puddle this whole time.”

Crazy56U: And thus he narrowly misses Freddy Kruger’s arm, looking to pull him into the mattress...

The room was decorated like a party, but only if you were invited by Hannibal Lecter!

Scarlet: God damn it! Don’t remind me! I miss it already… *reaches out towards a framed photograph of Mads Mikkelsen*

NaturalGlitch: Maybe the author had his brains scooped out and fed to him.

Crazy56U: If only, I’ve always wanted to meet Anthony Hopkins...

All the decorations were made from pony parts!

NaturalGlitch: “I didn’t know ponies were detachable! I’m going to try that if I ever go to a ranch.”

Crazy56U: “And it looked fake as shit, somehow.”

The balloons were organs, the chairs were bones and skin, the streamers were intestines, and a big banner, made from entire pony hides, read "Life Is A Party"!

Scarlet: Oh come on, dude, Hannibal would’ve at bare minimum artfully arranged the bones into a little chair for Dash to sit in while he served afternoon brunch.

NaturalGlitch: Pinkie must go through Febreeze by the truckload.

Crazy56U: No, life sucks, and then you fucking die.

Pinkie threw the sheet of the cart she was pushing, The camera went back to Dash, who had a look of pure horror on her face,

NaturalGlitch: “I would describe it better, but you’d just soil your pants if I did!”

Crazy56U: Behold, the look of pure terror:

Dark Angel: I’d say that it’s less of a face of terror and more of a face of nausea.

which probably matched the one I had at the same time.

Scarlet: Funny, all I’m experiencing is deja vu.

Dark Angel: Seriously, this isn’t even a fanfic. This is a fanfic of someone reading a fanfic. Or watching in this case.

Crazy56U: Somehow, I doubt that.

Pinkie said something, but I don't think I was paying attention.

NaturalGlitch: “I live alone, so why are all my doors opening?”

Crazy56U: “Besides, I accidentally muted the TV again. I keep sitting on the remote.”

The perspective widened to show Pinkie standing right next to Dash, holding a beaked skull.

Scarlet: Then, being of sound mind and body, I turned off the television or changed the channel.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Looks real, doesn’t it? You wouldn’t believe how cheap these Nightmare Night props are!” [Dash] “That’s ‘cause it’s July, Pinkie!”

Crazy56U: What the fuck did she do to Crow T. Robot?!

Topher: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME TOM SERVO’S OKAY!

Dark Angel: Is Cambot okay?!

I knew who it was before Pinkie even said anything. Gilda, Dash's griffon friend from the first season!

NaturalGlitch: “Here, let me put a link it in this creepypasta—I mean, this experience I had.”

Crazy56U: Get real, Gilda isn’t a skull, you silly- oooooooooh...

Pinkie started tormenting Dash with it, with a very panicked Dash trying to shut her out.

Something: Don’t mention things that I would rather be watching, shitfic.

Scarlet: Let me try that again. Being of sound mind and body, I turned off the television or changed the channel.

Dark Angel: And with that statement, The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone could never exist.
NaturalGlitch: I am so, so glad they had another Gilda episode. Not only did they expand the mythos of the show, but it obliterates this piece of shit right out of the water.

Crazy56U: Heh, like a “cannon”, I get it…

Dark Angel: Eeyup.

My eyes went back to Pinkie's dress.

NaturalGlitch: “Oh, crap... I got a boner.”

Crazy56U: “It looked tacky as shit.”

Topher: “Due to the fact it was made from the asses of about thirty other ponies, it made her ass look HUGE.”

With what the rest of the room was made from, I now realized her weird dress was made from CUTIE MARKS,

NaturalGlitch: “Why are they called cutie marks on stallions? Shouldn't they be called stud stamps? Am I right here, fellas? Hello? Anyone?”

Dark Angel: Eeyup.

Crazy56U: Pinkie had unintentionally takes some cues from Starlight Communist.

with Pegasus wings sewn on the back and a necklace of unicorn horns around her neck!

Scarlet: “It was at that moment that I truly fell in love with Pinkie.”

RJ: [Pinkie] I remember my time in My Lai.

Dark Angel: A necklace of unicorn horns would probably look more tribal than stylish.

Crazy56U: That she simply got from Hot Topic.

WHAT WAS THIS? If this was someone's idea of a joke, it was already going too far!

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “And now...spooky movie marathon can start! I’ll go get the popcorn!” [Dash] “OK, seriously, why am I strapped down?” [Pinkie] “So you don’t run away screaming, of course.” [Dash] “Just because that happened once...”

Crazy56U: Then Sergeant Sprinkles began crying, and he had no idea why.

And how did it get on this channel? There's no possible way anything this demented would even be on Adult Swim!

Something: Have you SEEN an episode of Mr. Pickles?

Dark Angel: I know, right? Something like this could make it onto Adult Swim. However, anything MLP related would not because IT’S THE WRONG CHANNEL! Although Robot Chicken did do an MLP parody.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, I actually have. ... (sigh) And they’re still producing episodes, for... some reason…

Topher: I know, the situation is grim. Just remember Rick and Morty, gentlemen. There is still hope.

Crazy56U: ...you’ve seen the second season finale, yes?

And then it got worse. I didn't think it could, but it did.

Something: You changed the channel and Mr. Pickles was on?

NaturalGlitch: “My boner was going away!”

Crazy56U: Stop bringing up Mr. Pickles.

Dark Angel: Are we talking about Mr. Pickles the TV show, or is Mr. Pickles what you call you cock?

Scarlet: DIETHEDEATHSENTENCEDTODEATHTHEGREATEQUALIZERISDEATH. *reflexively beheads Dark Angel* Oops. Sorry. That one was just…. yeah.

Topher: I’m rubbing off on you guys, it seems!

The camera stayed on Dash, who was weeping heavily, as Pinkie put down the skull and walked off-screen.

NaturalGlitch: “Out of my screen and into my living room!”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “That’s it, I quit! I’m calling my agents right now, I want out of this tripe!”

Dark Angel: If Pinkie truly wanted out, all she would need to do is break the fourth wall, like how she got Topher’s sack earlier.

She came back on-screen, pushing the cart into view.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Hello! I’m Pinkie Pie and I’ll be your flight attendant.”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “The producer said I’d get double my paycheck if I stayed, screw it…”

RJ: Oh boy, canarble wagon time!

Topher: [Pinkie] “I was hoping you could help me prepare my cart for Rainbow Road. you seemed like the go-to mare.”

Dark Angel: Eeyup.

As Dash and I watched, she grabbed a scalpel off the top and walked to Dash's right side.

Scarlet: ...This is going to go through the entirety of the dissection process from Cupcakes, isn’t it.

Dark Angel: Knowing our luck.

Crazy56U: ARRRRRRRGH.

The camera focused on her lightning cloud cutie mark as Pinkie Pie entered the frame.

NaturalGlitch: Please skip the horrible puns.

Crazy56U: Or, rather, skip this whole sequence. Since, you know, you refuse to do anything different here...

The scalpel in her hoof, she placed the blade at the top and CUT AROUND THE MARK!

Scarlet: It’s like the world’s worst dramatic reading. Without the reading. Or the drama.

Dark Angel: Or anybody actually caring.

Crazy56U: (sigh)

Topher: ALL CAPS when not writing DIALOGUE is the BEST tool for EMPHASIS and is in NO WAY PUERILE.

Dash screamed.

NaturalGlitch: For ice cream?

Crazy56U: Out of boredom.

It actually sounded like the voice actress was in intense pain!

NaturalGlitch: They showed her the fan content.

Crazy56U: [Ashleigh Ball] “I’m getting payed for this, right?”

[Random Fuck] “Uhhhh-”

[Ashleigh Ball] “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

It cut to a close-up of Dash's face, who was screaming and writhing, tears streaming down her face!

Scarlet: Well, that’s about where I am right now. GET ON WITH THE ORIGINAL CONTENT.

NaturalGlitch: I think that’s in a different story.

Crazy56U: Rehash Conga!

She continued to scream for about 10 seconds,

Scarlet: “I timed it with my stopwatch.”

Dark Angel: She screamed for ten seconds flat as the pain became twenty percent more painful.

NaturalGlitch: I think my brain just barfed.

Crazy56U: And then we proceeded to groan for two hours.

Dark angel: Which is disturbing considering that the show only has a 30 minute run time.

then the camera went back to Pinkie, who had finished cutting around the mark.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Ha! I knew it! You’re a robot.”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “I did this as slow as possible because padding! :D”

She briefly walked offscreen, returning with a curved knife. She dug the blade under the cut and sliced the skin away from Dash's flank, while Dash's screaming and wailing intensified!

Scarlet: “I began to masturbate furiously.”

Dark Angel: Knowing our luck. Oh wait, I used that already.

NaturalGlitch: Unfortunately, this is tamer than some guro porn out there. Just… why?

Crazy56U: (begins spinning around in chair out of boredom) Ugh…

When she was finished, Pinkie peeled the rest off Dash's flank and held it in her hooves, examining it and smiling, while Dash's flank bled.

Something: Remember when the original story was considered the pinnacle of ponefic trash?

Scarlet: Yeaahhhhh. You never realize how good something is until you see it done worse.
NaturalGlitch: And then I read Momma Fluttershy.

Crazy56U: At the end of the day, everyone decided to send Rainbow to space so that she would stop getting blood everywhere.

Again, you're probably expecting me to say it was "hyper-realistic" blood, but it wasn't.

Scarlet: “It was only super realistic!”

Dark Angel: “The realism wasn’t able to collect all seven super emeralds.”

NaturalGlitch: ...hang on, didn’t a previous creepypasta we did do the exact same thing?

Crazy56U: It wasn’t even blood at all! It was liquid rainbows! Wait, scratch that, that would be doing something different with the source material. Fuck that!

However, although it was cartoon blood, the way it flowed down what was visible of Dash almost perfectly mimicked actual bloodflow, like the company actually poured more money into the cartoon to get it perfect!

Scarlet: ...You know I was kidding but I think he actually just vindicated my riff.

Dark Angel: And considering how the animation has been getting better with time, that description is probably accurate.

NaturalGlitch: “Oh, am I doctor, by the way, so I know how blood properly flows.”

Crazy56U: “I’m not saying that it’s hyper-realistic, but it’s hyper-realistic.”

After just staring at the mark for several seconds,

NaturalGlitch: “This one famous creepypasta did this time shit, so if I do the exact same thing, it will show the world how original I am!”

Crazy56U: “stopwatch,”

she got up and the camera switched back to a shot of Dash and Pinkie. Then, it repeated, as if the scenes were flipped, except Dash now had a bloody hole on one of her hips.

Scarlet: “I continued furiously masturbating.”

NaturalGlitch: “It happen twice! Are you scared again?!”

Crazy56U: Oh, so it was recycling footage. Yippy skippy.

When Pinkie was finished cutting the other one, she picked them both up and turned to Rainbow Dash.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “And now reveal your true form, foul one!” [Dash, mutating] “Hiiiiis!~”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “I feel like I’m just phoning it in… You feel that way?”

[Rainbow] “PAIIIIN!”

[Pinkie] “...so, no?”

There was a frontal shot of Pinkie, waving the marks around like toys!

Something: *is ignoring the fic, watching an episode of Twin Peaks*

Crazy56U: (continues to blow nose)

The remote was in my hand!

NaturalGlitch: “Now it was on the floor! I decided to walk the dinosaur!”

Crazy56U: ...fuck, that shoots down my “sitting on the remote” theory…

Dark Angel: Well, not if he’s also on the floor.

Topher: Yes, but then walking the dinosaur introduces a whole new set of variables.

My finger was on the power button! I had every thought to press the button and end this abomination of my favorite pony!

NaturalGlitch: And it’s only going to get worse, buddy.

Crazy56U: DO IT YOU FUCKING COWARD!

...But I couldn't... It was as if my finger was completely frozen!

Scarlet: Well, your parents did warn you that if you kept it up your hand would freeze that way.

Crazy56U: (slams head into table) FUCK.

I couldn't even look away from the screen, my eyes glued to a weeping Dash,

NaturalGlitch: “My face was pressed up so close to the screen that my retinas bleed into it.”

Crazy56U: “Much like this pasta, it was a trainwreck. Unlike this pasta, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from it…”

the areas around her braces rubbed red and raw from thrashing,

NaturalGlitch: It does take a while to get used to braces.

Crazy56U: And because they were made out of some kind of Kryptonite, she has yet to break out of them. (deep, sad sigh)

Scarlet: Oh no! They’re made from pure Damselium! The most awkward fictional mineral in non-existence!

while Pinkie placed the marks on her cart. Maybe it was just me, but something was making me watch this horrible cartoon to the end.

NaturalGlitch: It’s your brain deflating.

Crazy56U: It’s the author.

Dark Angel: It’s the author’s brain deflating.

Every muscle in my body tense, I continued to watch...

Something: *still ignoring the fic, playing Pokemon Y*

Scarlet: Oooh! Are you in Laverre City yet? Valerie’s gym was awesome, and Kalos is so pretty, and, and- *babbles on*

Crazy56U: (has pulled out a 3DS; has begun playing Super Smash Bros.)

"Sorry, Dash, but I'm going to wing it now." Pinkie joked as she picked up a knife from the cart.

NaturalGlitch: And then Rainbow died from the sheer lameness of that pun.

Crazy56U: And her ghost promptly beat the shit out of Pinkie for it.

Dark Angel: Actually, that would be a more interesting fic than this.

The camera followed Pinkie as she walked around to the back of the table, where I could see Dash's wings sticking through gaps in the table.

Scarlet: Hahaha, in the original fic this was… this was darkly comical. It’s… I’m nostalgic. For Cupcakes. god damn it.

Dark Angel: Well, reading the original Cupcakes would be better than reading this shitty creepypasta version.

NaturalGlitch: “Remembering that she can break the sound barrier and lift over a ton with her wings, she lightly batten them, causing the table to explode into splinters.”

Crazy56U: The first time I read Cupcakes, my only reaction during it was a brief cough. At first, having heard of how fucked up it was, I thought my non-reaction was part of some kind of problem… But then, I came to a realization: I didn’t react in disgust or horror because it was trying too hard.

She grabbed one and held it tight as she raised the knife.

Scarlet: Before bringing it down and cutting a slice of cake.

NaturalGlitch: Pinkie didn’t share any with Rainbow. This is true torture!

Crazy56U: Does this mean we skipped to the end, and Pinkie is about to deal the killing blow?

I desperately tried to close my eyes to block out the scene, but the best I could do was blink rapidly,

NaturalGlitch: So...he’s batting his eyes at the TV.

Crazy56U: Which wound up fucking himself over since there was a Weeping Angel in the room with him...

which didn't help at all to block the image of Pinkie slamming the knife into the base of Dash's wing as the Pegasus screamed and thrashed.

Scarlet: ...actually, removing a wing with a knife is a pain. It’s easier to start with the legs and I’m going to shut up now.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Could you scrape that knife a little to the left? I have a itch there so~ bad.”

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, this is dragging on for fucking ever...

To add to the horror, Pinkie's aim was thrown off by Dash's shaking and she ended up slicing Dash's back.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “There, you got it! Thanks.”

Crazy56U: ...but, her back is to the table, and I thought the braces were super tight…

If Rainbow is thrashing enough to expose her back, how has she not broken free yet?

Dark Angel: Because.

I swear that whenever the knife cut through Rainbow's skin, a burning pain started in the same areas on MY back!

Scarlet: And yet you didn’t have this symbiotic relationship with the cutie mark bit because the martians established a colony in Seattle in the year 1977.

Dark Angel: Honestly, that wouldn’t surprise me at this point.

NaturalGlitch: Well, according to Equestria Girls, the cutie mark for them is below one eye, so I’m hoping his face fell off and he hasn’t noticed yet.

Crazy56U: So, whenever Rainbow feels pain, you do? ...are you fucking ripping off the climax of NES Godzilla Creepypasta?

Topher: They made a Creepypasta of NES Godzilla?

Crazy56U: Ding.

Eventually, Pinkie sighed frustratedly and walked off screen.

NaturalGlitch: Even the characters think this is boring.

Crazy56U: And thus, my riff about Pinkie leaving to contact her agent is all the more accurate...

I silently hoped that she gave up and nearly screamed when she came back on, a saw in her hand!

NaturalGlitch: ... (crashes face with a wall) Ow. Again.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Equestria Girls.

"Hey, why do they call it a hacksaw anyway?" she asked, as she started sawing through the bone.

Scarlet: Good question, Pinkie! Actually there is no clear answer, although it may have to do with the fact that to “hack” something is to roughly cut it, and hacksaws are made to saw through thick and rough material and oh god I’m talking about the etymology of saws instead of reading this fic is killing me why.

Crazy56U: Ahem: “It’s not clear exactly how a hacksaw got its name. The word ‘hack’ refers to a rough cut or blow, however a hacksaw is capable of cutting very neatly. It could be taken from the Middle English phrase: ‘hagge-saue’, which means to cut or chop.”

A realistic grinding sound erupted from the TV speakers,

NaturalGlitch: A HYPER-realistic one?! Come on, author, I know you want to say it, so say it!

Crazy56U: I think I know where that grinding sound is coming from:

Dark Angel: Without that GIF, that comment would’ve left me with bad images.

accompanying a wailing Dash. Pinkie finished sawing through the bone and sliced through the other, as I watched.

Something: *continuing to ignore the fic, listening to Nightwish*

Scarlet: Eh, screw it. I’m right there with you. Anyone up for some Birthday Massacre?

NaturalGlitch: I don’t know what that is, but I want to be included.

Crazy56U: (blasts “Toy Soldiers” on a boombox) Step by step… Heart to heart…

Scarlet: A better use of all our time than this fanfic.

I couldn't decide who was experiencing the most torture: Dash for going through this, or me for watching it.

Dark Angel: How about option C, us for having to read this shittypasta.

Crazy56U: D) All of the above.

It was only a cartoon, but tears welled in my eyes as the camera gave a full view of the realistically bleeding,

Scarlet: Foul! You just said there was no hyper-realistic blood!

NaturalGlitch: “This is more horrible than my Mom dying! How was I supposed to know the gun was loaded?!”

Crazy56U: Knew it, he couldn’t resist using that chestnut...

crying Dash, weakly strugging against her bonds. Blood dripped on the stone floor, making dripping sounds so clear, I briefly looked around my room for anything dripping,

NaturalGlitch: Because of how hyper-realistic it was, right?! Say it! SAY IT!

Crazy56U: DO IT!

before my eyes were once again drawn to the screen.

Something: *starts drawing on the fic*

Scarlet: Make a bunny rabbit!

Lord Shaxx: Make a hidden trap door to the unknown depths below!

RingmasterJ5: Thanks for reminding me I could be playing Rebirth instead of reading this.
Crazy56U: Black out all of the text so this will end.

For everyone waiting for creepypasta elements, something was determined not to disappoint,

Scarlet: Suddenly, the author realizes he forgot to add original content.

Dark Angel: I’m pretty sure that the narrations aren’t supposed to acknowledge that this is a creepypasta.

NaturalGlitch: You’re admitting this is a creepypasta while in a creepypasta. Do you know how stupid that sounds?

Crazy56U: Please, as if the author was self-aware...

because 5 seconds later, the screen started to get...weird.

NaturalGlitch: “There was bubbling flesh covering my screen, with an attractive slit in the middle. I wanted to put my hand inside it.”

Crazy56U: “It was as if someone smeared Vaseline on the lens…”

You know with older TVs and antenna, where if it was storming the picture would be affected? That's what happened here.

Scarlet: Unfortunately his idea of original was to steal gimmicks from Slender.

NaturalGlitch: (nerd glasses appeared on his nose) Excuse me, his real name is Slenderman, and—(a barrage of fists connects with his face) Ouchies.

Crazy56U: Wait, does this mean you have an analog TV? ...how are you getting the Hub?!

Topher: It’s not the Hub, it’s SATAN!

Dark Angel: I thought it was Adult Swim.

As Pinkie placed the wings on the cart, the screen began to fade into static. But how could that happen?

NaturalGlitch: Because you’re ripping off several things at once and your reality is being compromised?

Crazy56U: Because you have a shit TV?

Dark Angel: Because Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy is still sometimes considered to be part of the Zordon era?

Scarlet: ...I’m sorry, don’t you normally call the rest of us out on the dork thing rather than otherwise?

I have cable and an HDTV.

Crazy56U: ...THEN WHY ARE YOU GETTING STATIC?!

Blocky, maybe, but not static!

Scarlet: Yes that is clearly the most disturbing thing happening to you right now.

Dark Angel: Oh the horror! Bad picture quality!

Crazy56U: Static that you should NOT BE GETTING, WHAT THE FUCK!

Making things creepier than they already were(!),

NaturalGlitch: Thanks for telling me how to feel.

Crazy56U: Zero times anything is still ZERO, you FUCK!

the sound that normally accompanies static was absent, the dripping and soft crying, with humming from Pinkie eventually joining in, continuing through the speakers.

NaturalGlitch: “Oh, silly me. It was just the weird animal I found in the meteorite doing all this.”

Crazy56U: (glances at iPhone to check the time)

It completely faded into static a few seconds later, so all I saw was white snow.

Something: But it’s not Christmas yet (as of the time of this writing)!

Crazy56U: And now I want to read Silent Snow, Secret Snow. Thanks…

Dark Angel: And now I want to read Silent Ponyville.

What I HEARD, however, pierced my eardrums like hot needles!

NaturalGlitch: He must’ve heard some brony-made music.

Crazy56U: Worse.

Dark Angel: Hold on while I go find where my eardrums were blown out to.

A pounding noise like a hammer came through the speakers, the sound of snapping bones and Dash's painful screams after each blow joing the symphony of pain.

Scarlet: Insert Skrillex joke here.

Crazy56U: ‘k.

Then it stopped. The screen was still snow, but I heard Pinkie grab something off the cart. "NO! PLEASE!" Dash screamed,

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Not the cider! It didn’t do anything wrong!”

Crazy56U: She speaks for all of us.

Dark Angel: The only way we’ll get through this shittypasta without sanity intact… well… get through this shittypasta is if we have booze!

before the symphony began again. Whatever monster created this decided at that point to tease me by rapidly switching between the picture and static,

Scarlet: Well at least the author is torturing himself as well as us.

Dark Angel: Of course we’re being tortured for much different reasons.

NaturalGlitch: “I later found out it was my invisible friend playing with the other remote.”

Crazy56U: If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume that the TV is trying to put itself out of its misery.

letting me watch as my favorite pony, grinning widely, hammered nails into the thrashing Dash's hooves.

Scarlet: [Rainbow Dash] “Oh god the p- wait a minute, those are hard, solid blocks of keratin.”

Crazy56U: The Passion of the Dash

Several seconds of static followed,

NaturalGlitch: “—when Rainbow’s wings regenerated back.”

Crazy56U: And, for some reason, Pinkie and Rainbow had switched positions...

before the picture cleared up enough to see Pinkie standing by a small generator. She winked at the screen and pulled the switch.

Scarlet: *insert Looney Tunes outro here*

Crazy56U: Boom.

The camera changed back to Dash, who started to flail stiffly.

NaturalGlitch: “So did I, if you know what I mean.”

Dark Angel: Now those images are gonna give me nightmares.

Crazy56U: Pinkie was trying to replicate the Morty dome; unfortunately, while she had the jumper cable, she lacked the four additional Rainbows to truly replicate it...

I could see the wires wrapped around the embedded nails as she screamed a scream that nobody should EVER hear.

Something: Suddenly, Coal Chamber started playing through his speakers.

Crazy56U: “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!”

Then the screen acted up again, the picture wobbling like an old, decaying video tape,

Scarlet: Doing what now?

Crazy56U: They couldn’t afford to use high-quality cameras, so they cribbed one from the 1980s.

but the picture still remained clear enough to show the camera alternate between the frying Dash on the table,

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Now to find out if you really do taste like skittles!” [Dash] “You’re messed up.”

Crazy56U: Which, funnily enough, smelt like fried Mike and Ikes...

and Pinkie, who was giggling and dancing excitedly in place by the generator. "TURN IT OFF!" I screamed. "PLEASE TURN IT OFF!"

Scarlet: “This episode has terrible production values! Seriously your footage isn’t even well-edited!”

Dark Angel: Are you talking about the episode he’s watching, or the fanfic itself?

NaturalGlitch: “The voice came from my second elbow. The cute little thing was always the brains of the outfit.”

Crazy56U: Or, you know, you could turn it off. “it” being the TV, like you KEPT TRYING TO DO, DUMBASS!

All my attention focused towards my finger,

NaturalGlitch: I’m scared to know where he’s going to put that.

Crazy56U: The middle one.

hovering only a quarter inch above the power button on the remote. But no matter how much I concentrated, my finger wouldn't move!

Scarlet: “My other hand was useless, as was every other part of my body, because I can’t remember why.”

NaturalGlitch: “I lost even more control of my bowels, but that was perfectly normal.”

Crazy56U: DO IT!!!

Every muscle in my body was as paralyzed as Dash's were, the only difference being the pain I felt was from sympathy, not electrocution.

NaturalGlitch: Is this going to be like Blood Whistle? Please say no.

Crazy56U: Damn it, stop mixing up your pastas, Narrator, it’s not that hard!

What made some psycho decide to make this cartoon? No sane person could have been involved! It was driving ME insane, and I couldn't even turn off the TV!

Something: Is this gonna become a Shocker crossover? I can get behind this fic if that happens.

Crazy56U: JUST GO. FOR. THE PLUG!

Afer what seemed like hours,

NaturalGlitch: Yeah, tell us about it.

Crazy56U: (checks iPhone clock) ...yeah, that’s actually a reasonable estimate...

the picture slowly readjusted itself and returned to normal. Pinkie turned off the generator and walked offscreen toward Dash.

NaturalGlitch: “Why can’t the camera keep Pinkie onscreen?!”

Crazy56U: It seems that the camerapony is still drunk as fuck…

Dark Angel: *takes a drink of rum* Well, he’s gotta get through this shittypasta somehow.

When the camera switched to Rainbow Dash, I nearly cried.

Scarlet: Dude, I know she’s abrasive in some episodes but that’s a pretty harsh judgment.

Crazy56U: Yeah, dude, the fuck is your deal?

Her blue skin was horribly burnt,

NaturalGlitch: Blue...skin? Seriously, dude?

Crazy56U: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Dark Angel: *bangs head against wall*

areas of her body actually blackened from the electricity. Her face was twisted in pain and delirium, her toungue hanging out of her mouth ad her eyes crossed in a way that can not be possible voluntarily!

Scarlet: Eh. She’s fine.

Dark Angel: Just dye her coat gray and mane and tail blonde and you can pass her off as Derpy.

The blood from her wing stumps and cutie mark areas poured out faster, pooling on the floor.

NaturalGlitch: “Now Pinkie started to walk the dinosaur!”

Crazy56U: Shouldn’t Rainbow have bled out by now?

Pinkie walked onscreen and stood in front of Dash, standing in a puddle of Dash's fluids.

Something: All you’d have to do is replace a couple of words in each sentence and this could become some weird BDSM fic.

Dark Angel: As if it’s not weird enough as it is.

Scarlet: I’m pretty sure that’s already on FimFic. By at least two different authors.
NaturalGlitch: There’s an entire sub-section devoted specifically on BDSM. I’m thinking there’s more than two authors.

Crazy56U: And if you flip two words around, it becomes a weird Rainbow Factory BSDM fic.

"Daaaasssshhh... Dash, time to wake up..." Pinkie said in a sing-song tone. All Dash was able to give was a gutteral moan.

Scarlet: See? What did I tell you? Perfectly fine! And I just realized but where did Pinkie get a generator from in Equestria, we don’t even know how electricity works in this show and I what.

NaturalGlitch: Um… (scratches head) ...maybe she has Zap Apples in the generator? I dunno.

Crazy56U: Magic. It’s powered by magic. If it isn’t pony-operated, it’s powered by magic.

"Good, now for the last step." Pinkie said,

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “I will now sew you back together!”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “(pulls out a salt shaker) Add a pinch of salt!”

as I saw her take a hypodermic needle off the cart and walk behind Dash. Only a second later, There was a groan of pain from Dash as her hips suddenly thrust forward for a split-second.

Scarlet: You put your hips in! You put your hips out! You put your hips in, and you shake ‘em all about!

NaturalGlitch: Slide to the left! Slide to the right! Criss-cross!

Crazy56U: It’s just a jump to the left… And a step to the right!

Her face slowly returned to normal as Pinkie walked back in front of her. "In a few minutes, you won't be able to feel anything below your ribcage.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “You didn’t use the needle before because...? And how did you even get that?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Pinkie, I’ve all but blacked out from shock already… I can’t feel much of anything…”

Dark Angel: Unfortunately, we can’t say the same.

Then you can stay awake for the harvest!" Apparently, Dash got her voice back, because she was able to croak out "Pinkie... I want to go home..."

Scarlet: Sorry, Dash. We’re all contractually obligated to see this riff to the end.

Dark Angel: This is why I regret not reading the fine print.

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Shhh… Just one more scene, and we can all go home…”

Pinkie told her she understood. She sometimes wanted to just give up and leave, but this was her job Sand she couldn't just stop responsibility.

NaturalGlitch: Some bronies think this in-character for Pinkie. I now want to drink bleach.

Crazy56U: (pulls out some cough syrup) All I have is this, do you want it?

Dash began crying. She looked so pitiful and hurt, her wings and cutie marks gone, and her blue skin burnt to a crisp.

NaturalGlitch: It’s not skin and not fur! It’s hair! Hair! How do you not know this?

Crazy56U: She’s hairy noon and night, come on!

Her voice had pure pain and fear in it as tears streamed down her face.

Something: I feel nothing at the moment.

Scarlet: Other than boredom, you mean?

Dark Angel: Well, the feeling of nothing is from the boredom numbing our minds.
NaturalGlitch: It’s probably because the author is telling us how to feel.

Crazy56U: (chugs cough syrup)

I couldn't help it. My eyes blurred with tears and I started to cry with her. Pinkie... How could you? You were my favorite pony...

Something: Just play that Simple Plan song and get it over with.

NaturalGlitch: I’d mock this dude for thinking Pinkie would actually do this, but there are legitimate bronies, which are scared to death of Pinkie because of this fic. I call them “stupid.”

Crazy56U: Well, buddy, had you Googled “Cupcakes” before deciding to take part in this, maybe you could’ve been prepared for this...

The camera focused on the weeping Dash for several minutes, as she and I wept together, her in pain, me in sympathy,

NaturalGlitch: If your head isn’t dunked into the toilets at school, then someone isn’t doing their job.

Crazy56U: And me in boredom. (sniff)

while whatever monster Pinkie had become stood back and smiled. "That's long enough."

Scarlet: I said that to myself about halfway up the fic.

Dark Angel: You managed to make it that far before saying that?

Crazy56U: If that’s the case, Pinkie, then why is there still more story?

Pinkie finally said, grabbing the scalpel off the cart. NOTHING that had happened so far could have prepared me for what she did next.

NaturalGlitch: What—she became in-character for real?

Crazy56U: No, she slices opens Rainbow’s chest. Even had I not read “Cupcakes” before this riff, I would still know this was going to happen. Because the author is a lazy fuckwad.

She used the blade to cut above and below her stomach, then made a cut to join them.

Scarlet: Wait this weirds you out and not the amputation, electrocution, or- seriously dude, I was kidding about the masturbation.

Crazy56U: She made an I, for Icky.

The door she made opened up and Dash's organs poured out of the Dash and I stopped crying and stared in horror.

NaturalGlitch: “I was suddenly very hungry.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Pinkie, not cool, I just finished organizing those…”

I wanted to throw up, and I'm sure she did too, but neither of us did.

Scarlet: Yeah, kinda difficult without a stomach. Here, have a spare! *offers one to the narrator*

Dark Angel: You misunderstand. He’s not missing a stomach. He’s missing a brain.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a pancreas) Here Author, have something just as worthless as yourself!

Neither of us could... Pinkie grabbed Dash's large intestine, cut it out of her, and laughed like it was some kind of game!

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “100 points for me!”

Crazy56U: Pinkie mixed up her meds, and thought this was Surgeon Simulator...

"Oh, look at this beautiful scarf. You think Rarity would be jealous?" She wrapped it around her neck and paraded around! Dash was starting to fade. I could see it on her face...

Something: If I was someone who took bad fanfic seriously, I would point out that the amount of blood Dash had lost would have killed her about ten hours ago or however long this pile of used condoms has taken.

Scarlet: I’d point out that Cupcakes had very deliberate pacing to make reading this bit intensely uncomfortable, and this has very deliberate pacing to make the reader fall halfway asleep.

Dark Angel: This shittypasta does make the readers uncomfortable. Just not in the same way the original fic did.
NaturalGlitch: But the original fic was a snooze-fest of torture porn. At least this is over quicker.

Crazy56U: Rainbow was beginning to fade out of existence. Someone went back in time to prevent Rainbow’s parents from meeting, this just became Back to the Future: Saw Edition.

The rest went quickly, but not fast enough...

Crazy56U: FUCK. YOU.

Pinkie started cutting and pulling almost every organ in Dash's body out through the hole she made,

NaturalGlitch: “Even a few extra ones!”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “(pulls out Gummy) ...okay, I’m confused…”

making JOKES as she did! I tried to tune out what was going on, but I remember she said "the jokes are getting BLADDER."

RingmasterJ5: The way this scene is written I can only imagine it as a Surgeon Simulator level where she’s grabbing them and flinging them away in random directions.

Crazy56U: Like a wet paper towel, am I right?

Scarlet: To be fair, that’s very Pinkie.

NaturalGlitch: The puns are slowly killing me.

My stomach lurched, but nothing came out,

NaturalGlitch: “Except for hotdogs, ramen noodles and...my cat?!”

Crazy56U: “Except for my stomach. It had enough of me and my bullshit and was leaving.”

Dark Angel: [Stomach] “So where did the brain say he went again?”

even though I wanted to do something, ANYTHING, to get my mind off this sick cartoon! Wet ripping sounds filled the speakers with every organ pulled, tearing through whatever was keeping me sane!

NaturalGlitch: Quick! Maybe you should go the Sonic.EXE Round 2 route and play a game to keep your sanity in check!

Crazy56U: [Narrator] “You want me to play a Sonic.EXE game, the FUCK is wrong with you?!”

Eventually, Pinkie finished and grinned madly at the unconscious Dash.

Scarlet: Oh good, it’s actually almost to the point where she dies. Then we can wrap this story up and I can make some dinner.

Crazy56U: Pinkie is now Jeff the Killer, and now I wish I was dead.

Dark Angel: Go find Topher. I’m sure he’ll gladly oblige.

The cut in Dash's stomach was now a dark, empty hole,

Dark Angel: I think it just switched from Dash’s stomach to where the author’s brain should be.

Crazy56U: Pinkie accidentally created a black hole in Rainbow’s stomach.

which blood poured out of like a waterfall,

NaturalGlitch: And your brain is like a canyon.

Crazy56U: I’m not referencing “The Day of All the Blood”, again. ...namely because I refuse to believe Rainbow should even still have blood now...

turning the pool on the ground into a lake! After just standing there, giggling, Pinkie grabbed the needle again and jabbed it back into Dash, who slowly woke up.

Scarlet: Like there was so much blood, oh my god, just, blood everywhere, all the blood.

NaturalGlitch: ...how is Rainbow still alive? Oh, right, so fans of this wouldn’t lose their erections.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “(mumble) five more minutes… (snore)”

Her blue skin was dangerously pale

Scarlet: Despite being burnt to a crisp.

Dark Angel: My comment earlier about making her look like Derpy was just supposed to be a joke.

NaturalGlitch: It’s not skin! We’ve seen what they look like under all the hair! AUGH—(a dart strikes his neck)—why do I feel so sleepy now?

Crazy56U: As it gets when you bleed out.

and I knew she'd soon bleed to death.

Scarlet: NO SHIT.

Crazy56U: As one would get when they bleed out.

Pinkie grabbed back up the scalpel and drove it into Dash's neck! "It was fun playing with you, Dash..." she said, as she traced the blade around Rainbow's jaw.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “I couldn’t find a board to play Charades on, so I’m using your jaw.”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Steam broke for me, so I’ve been dying to play some Surgeon Simulator…”

Dash's eyes widened and her breathing intensified. The camera switched again, letting me see things from Dash's perspective.

NaturalGlitch: This is almost as boring as the source fic.

Crazy56U: Because heaven forbid we actually see Pinkie slice her throat open…

Scarlet: ...so, fun fact- the original story was a trollfic. No evidence that anything was going to happen other than Dash and Pinkie making cupcakes, surprise, it’s gorehound horror. It doesn’t work on repeat reads because of that, or on reads where you know the twist. I’m not saying Cupcakes was great, but god I respect it so much more than this shit.

A few seconds later, the camera started to fade, as Dash's breathing slowed. Finally, the screen went black, as Dash's final breath was heard.

Something: [Dash] “The cold… never bothered me… anyway...” (dies)

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Thank God I can stop being in this...”

I thought the nightmare was finally over.

NaturalGlitch: “That’s when I found out this piece of anal fungus had fan-sequels!”

Crazy56U: But, it isn’t, because there’s still more text...

I HOPED the nightmare was over! ...But, it wasn't. I still couldn't move! A minute later, the screen faded back in.

NaturalGlitch: “I had to pee so bad, but I couldn’t move!”

Crazy56U: Surprise, motherfucker!

My stomach lurched again and it felt like it would burst out of my chest with practically everything else in my body.

Scarlet: Oooh, Chestburster! Twist!

Crazy56U: Holy shit, I was joking about his stomach wanting out of this...

A headless, organless, wingless, cutiemarkless Dash reappeared, whatever fluids still in its body slowly dripping out of the chest cavity.

NaturalGlitch: “It was then I decided to become a butcher. I… have to.”

Crazy56U: ...eeeeeeeEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW...

It focused on the corpse for who knows how long, before slowly panning left.

Scarlet: Tell me they were playing some kind of fittingly ironic old song in the background.

Crazy56U: Ask and ye shall receive.

It scanned across the party scene, letting me see the sick, twisted decorations Pinkie had made, the "Life Is A Party" touching off the whole scene.

NaturalGlitch: Pinkie’s nostrils must’ve died or something. How has she not gagged from the smell?

Crazy56U: She does, actually. Whenever it mentions that Pinkie went offscreen, she’s actually gagging up a storm!

It stopped at the end of the table, showing Pinkie playing with the head of Rainbow Dash, the head's eyes still open on shock and horror.

NaturalGlitch: “Then, it winked.”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Alas, poor Rainbow… I knew her, Gummy.”

[Gummy] “(blink)”

As the camera slowly zoomed in on her, Pinkie quietly sang the "Giggle at the Ghosties" song as she bounced the head on the table, making it look like a dance.

Scarlet: Not quite the song I was thinking of, but okay.

NaturalGlitch: And totally ill fitting, too.

Crazy56U: ...nah, I say “Ironic” fits better.

And then, after a minute, she stopped singing. "...Now..." she said, audibly. She paused, then spun her head toward the camera, staring at me with her wide, insane eyes.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “These aren’t insane eyes; these are googly glasses, silly author!” [author] “Oh, thank goodness—WAIT.”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Who are you? (pulls out a crossbow) Have you COME TO STEAL MY EYES?”

"WHO'S NEXT?" she shouted at such a volume, it felt like my eardrums would burst!

Scarlet: Fortunately, mobile fortresses have soundproofing technology.

Dark Angel: But does it have readproofing technology?

NaturalGlitch: All Pinkie has to say is: “Now go to sleep!”

Crazy56U: Pinkie, inside voices. Kay, thanks.

RJ: After that I wouldn’t mind listening to Baba O’Riley.

She smiled the most bonechilling smile I had ever seen, it growing wider and wider until she was LITERALLY grinning from ear to ear.

NaturalGlitch: HMM. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, right—because you’re a hack?

Crazy56U: ...okay, seriously, stop trying to be Jeff the Killer! Even the author of THAT tripe would hate this shit!

The screen faded out, her smile and eyes the last things to disappear.

Something: And then the most appropriate credits song of all time played.
Crazy56U: (woodenly) “Man, what a great movie, An Inconvenient Truth.”

The credits rolled as the ending theme music played. The episode was over. FINALLY OVER!

NaturalGlitch: “No friendship lesson that I will ignore?! What a jip!”

Crazy56U: It could’ve ended 18 times over by now had you simply turned off the TV, you wad.

I nearly cried with relief... but my muscles were still frozen!

Crazy56U: Rigor mortis set in.

I focused back on the credits. It played the normal things, producer, writer, animators, voice talents...

NaturalGlitch: “That’s when I realized these weren’t credits, but kredits! The boss fight wasn’t over at all!”

Crazy56U: “Even the Creepypastas that it ripped off!”

then it launched into a list of names I didn't recognize.

Scarlet: “Stolen from SergeantSprinkles.”

Crazy56U: “Guy Who Wears Suspenders – Jim Reardon”

Dark Angel: “Riffers unlucky enough to sit through this - Dark Angel, Crazy, Glitch, Scarlet…”

As I watched, I swore I saw my friend's name flash by in one of the frames. It continued to list off names for several minutes, then it ended on a large credit. My insides froze.

NaturalGlitch: This is like your 150th cold analogy. Maybe the heat shut down or something.

Crazy56U: Or, this takes place on Pluto...

It was MY name! The screen focused on it for longer than it had the other credits, then went black.

Something: Yep, this is totally a creepypasta. Still hate them.

Crazy56U: Gee, it’s almost as it if held on that name because you’re to blame for this...

The Hub faded back on and announced "Laverne and Shirley" was on next.

Scarlet: ...I giggled.

Dark Angel: Wasn’t it explained that this was Adult Swim?

Scarlet: I’m pretty sure I riffed something about Bebop, but no.

Crazy56U: Irony!

As I continued to stare i shcok,

Crazy56U: Because Spell Check is a myth.

RJ: Shcok: The sound a peacock make when it steps on a tack.

I noticed that I could FINALLY move again.

NaturalGlitch: That’s called sleep paralysis. This was all a nightmare. Go back to sleep. Ignore the corpse in your bed.

Crazy56U: “I noticed this because I fell off the bed and onto floor face first.”

I took advantage of it by turning off the TV, running to the bathroom, and throwing up everything in my stomach,

NaturalGlitch: “Even my lower intestine.”

Crazy56U: Including his stomach. It was finally free.

which had been trying to escape since the middle of whatever I had just seen.

Scarlet: *continues holding out that spare stomach from earlier*

Crazy56U: The stomach’s torment is finally over. Thank god.

WHAT WAS THAT? That was too well done for a joke,

NaturalGlitch: You know what is a joke? Everyone who was legitimately scared of Cupcakes.

Scarlet: It’s uncomfortable. Not scary, not in character, just uncomfortable. The story doesn’t work if your readers are comfortable! An explicit creepypasta presentation makes everything comfortable!

Crazy56U: Well, maybe it could work as a Daniel Tosh bit, but...

but it couldn't possibly be anything the studio released! NOBODY could have done something like that!

NaturalGlitch: I wish you were right, but considering…

Crazy56U: [Sergeant Sprinkles] “TA-DAAAAAAAAH!”

Breathing heavily in horror, I walked back to bed. I didn't sleep the rest of the night...

Something: “Or the next night. Or the next night. Or the next night. Eventually I died due to causes related to sleep deprivation.”

Crazy56U: Lies, he passed out five seconds after climbing into bed.

Later, at school lunch, I met up with my brony friend.

NaturalGlitch: “I hope I one say emulate his chin flaps.”

Crazy56U: “I punched him in the face.”

It didn't take a lot to see that he didn't get a lot of sleep last night either, and it only took a few questions to find out he had been through the same thing, watching the same episode at the same time!

Scarlet: Sooo, Ring rules or Lovecraft rules? Do they die horribly or just go mad with the knowledge? Place your bets!

NaturalGlitch: So...one villain-sue or the other villain-sue? I’ll go with… the guy has a mental illness and never had a brony friend.

Scarlet: ...wait, you count Yog-Sothoth and Nyarlathotep as characters? I mean I know Japan made a moe anime out of it but I’m pretty sure it’s contractually obligated for Japan to do that for everything.

Pateron.

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: He’s not actually at school. This is all a dream since he entered a Creepypasta-coma.

Apparently, he woke up in the middle of the night and decided to watch The Hub to get back to sleep,

NaturalGlitch: We all know that bronies don’t watch The Hub for anything but MLP. Don’t bullshit us.

Crazy56U: Why the Hub? Does the Internet not exist in this reality, what the fuck?

but ended up living the same nightmare. He pointed something out to me that I hadn't noticed: The cartoon had some sort of "grainy" effect to it, like it was being filmed with an older video camera.

Scarlet: Despite the high-quality animated blood, of course.

NaturalGlitch: If I was playing creepypasta bingo, I’d die from chucking the thing into my brain.

Crazy56U: (pumps fists) CALLED IT, THE CAMERA WAS SHIT!

All through lunch, we talked about the episode, discusing what it could have been and who could have made it, but we never got far in figuring it out.

NaturalGlitch: What could you possibly figure out while thinking for a whole ten minutes?

Crazy56U: You seriously think it took them ten minutes? That’s too generous for these two...

Eventually, somehow, we managed to laugh. It was the darkest thing we had ever seen, but it was only an episode. Just a cartoon. And it was all over.

Scarlet: no really I am totally convinced you are perfectly safe yes indeed of course.

When lunch was done, we went to our classes and thought about it no more. We thought the nightmare was over... but it's still going...

Something: “The next day we went to see Terminator: Genisys!”

Crazy56U: You know, I never saw that film, is it really that bad?

My friend disappeared last night.

NaturalGlitch: “He got lost in his room again.”

Crazy56U: Oh crap, it’s the Rapture!

His mom had noticed the sounds of the TV on in his room and had gone to tell him to turn it off... But he wasn't there.

Scarlet: no I’m totally shocked this is unexpected in the highest degree I am just amazed.

Crazy56U: Let me guess: “Cupcakes” reaired, Pinkie pulled him into the cartoon, and she murdered him?

He didn't take anything with him. The windows were locked. Nothing suggested kidnapping.

NaturalGlitch: “Not even this ransom note pinned to his love pillow. He wasn’t worth the ten bucks anyway.”

Crazy56U: I’m not hearing a no...

It was just as if he vanished into thin air. As soon as I heard, I did a quick search on the net of names I remembered from the list at the end of that episode.

NaturalGlitch: “I have a crystal clear intellect, so this was easy for me.”

Crazy56U: “Of course I remembered the entirety of that list; I have a pornographic memory.”

All were gone under the same circumstances, the first few disappearing the same night the episode aired, others vanishing in the nights following.

Something: Imagine the headline. “Fourteen Teenage Boys Across The Country Gone From Their Homes - The Only Connection Is A Shared Love Of My Little Pony”.

Scarlet: Fox News takes the opportunity to blame it all on the moral failings of the country, Pat Robertson blames the gays.

Crazy56U: BREAKING NEWS: Several children disappear after viewing “My Little Pony”! Researchers blame global warming!

I don't know who made the episode, but now I know why. Everyone who watches the episode will meet the same fate as Dash, locked in that bloody basement with the psycho disguised as my ex-favorite pony.

Something: Is it blasphemous to say that when I first started watching the show I fucking hated Pinkie with a passion?

Scarlet: No, but I’m going to hit you with a stick anyway. *thwack!*

NaturalGlitch: Can I have a turn when you’re done?

Crazy56U: (pumps fists) TECHNICALLY CALLED IT!

And I'm next...

Something: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

NaturalGlitch: Is there a way I can transfer this “episode” to other people? I can think of a few uses…

Crazy56U: GOOD.

THE END

Something: Well, that definitely was a time-waster. See you all… who knows when.
Scarlet: I am never trusting creepypasta to be stupid entertaining ever again. Spike the Dragon was incredible. It was a masterpiece. It actually had its own (terrible) original content. There were like… rag dolls. This was reading Cupcakes as interpreted through the lens of somebody who doesn’t understand anything about what Cupcakes was, how it worked, or why it was and still is kind of a big deal as a fandom artifact. I’m out, bros. Peace.

RingmasterJ5: See you all next week when we return with another extra-long part of The- wait a minute… holy shit. It’s the final part. Next week, although it’s going to be longer than usual… we’re finishing The Catch.

RingmasterJ5: You goddamn masochists. Voting for the 15K one-shot straight after the 13K multipart? I was sure everyone was going to be burnt out on anything really long after that, but… here we are. Scarlet, can you explain why you submitted this one?

Scarlet: Weirdly enough, because in a way I’ve already riffed it. My significant other is a much better-known personality on Fimfic than I am, and he and I tag-wrote a blog post explaining every detail of pain this story caused us. When I was made editor in this group, my first response was “I must share this with the world”.

RingmasterJ5: But at a glance it’s written much better than our usual fare, just what makes it so riffable?

Scarlet: Everything in this story is wrong. Everything. Pen Stroke can write very decent and sometimes even impressive prose, but his storytelling in this thing is outlandishly crazy. If you thought some of our previous one-shot offerings suffered severe tonal whiplash, you have seen nothing yet.

RingmasterJ5: Works for me. Without further ado, “The Enemy of My Enemy” by Pen Stroke.

Scarlet: And the first time I won’t be riffing blind! Hurray…?

The Enemy of My Enemy

Crazy56U: Is also my friend! HAH! ...wait, hold on, I think he meant to do that…

RJ: In this day and age, he’s the frenemy of the acquaintance you defriended on Facebook last year. I think.

By Pen Stroke

Crazy56U: Well, well, well… At last, we meet again… And with a story I skimmed

through...

Preread, Edited, and Reviewed By

Illustrious Q, El Oso, Obselescence

Scarlet: And you should all feel bad. All of you.

Crazy56U: Including the commas.

Dark Angel: And thanks to this, I will never use commas again, I promise… GODDAMNIT!

=====================================================================

RJ: And traffic’s backed aaaalllll the way to the interchange. You’ll be sitting there for quite a while.

Crazy56U: Well, it’s a good thing I don’t own a car...

Dark Angel: In the world that is riffing, you do not need to own a car to get stuck in traffic. It’s what puts the ‘fic’ in ‘traffic’.

“Then we have an understanding.”

Crazy56U: Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean?

SC276: Say no more, say no more…

Dark Angel: Just promise me that I’m not part of this ‘understanding’.

Celestia sat in her seat with a posture that would make a mountain envious.

Crazy56U: Unless Celestia is currently ginormous, I doubt any mountains would be

envious right now…

Scarlet: [Everest] “My word! Her peak is so natural, and so void of explorers!”

Crazy56U: [Shatner] “...screw mountains, that horse is better.”

Dark Angel: Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s Kirk speaking… if you get what I mean.

Crazy56U: That Kirk would fuck a mountain? Well, duh, that’s what Shatner essentially states in that clip I linked. Here, have it in song!

Dark Angel: Technically I was saying that Kirk would fuck a pony. Then again, so would about 30% of the brony community.

Crazy56U: We’re both right, you know: Kirk would fuck anything...

She was a pillar of strength, with the sunset to her back.

Crazy56U: Well, Celestia is associated with the sun. What did you think was going to

be behind her back? Pumpkins?

Lord Shaxx: What pumpkin?

Crazy56U: (places a pumpkin on the table)

Dark Angel: So we’re getting ready for Halloween already?

Topher: I’d carve it for us, but SOME PEOPLE won’t let me near sharp objects.

Dark Angel: And for good reason. In fact, who let you have a spoon?

Topher: STAYAWAYFROMMYSPOONITSMINE!

Twilight and Luna sat to her left and right respectively, but neither could emanate the room commanding aura Celestia did.

Crazy56U: Little did they know that “Celestia” was actually Lucario wearing one of

those creepy pony costumes Pinkie owned.

Scarlet: Pokemon/Pony crossovers never seem to work as well as I feel like they should.

Yet, such a thing was necessary. What they were doing, the thing that brought them to the table, was one of national importance.

RJ: [Celestia] “… Roll for initiative.”

Lord Shaxx: [Chrysalis] “Five. No, eight. Yeah, eight.”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “And… it’s ‘Lick Touch’? ...aw, crap, I grabbed the wrong die again…”

They faced a dangerous threat, one that could not be solved by Twilight and her friends alone.

SC276: Poppycock.

Crazy56U: Monocle!

Dark Angel: That threat is in fact being written into a bad fic.

It was a threat that put the nation, perhaps the whole world, in great peril.

Crazy56U: (monotone) Insert Donald Trump joke here. ...meeeeh...

And such an enemy required a new alliance to be made.

Scarlet: And in about four paragraphs you will realize that none of the people working on this story know what an “alliance” actually entails.

Crazy56U: I highly doubt that, at least one person must’ve had a dictionary……

Dark Angel: Of course the one person working on this fic who does have a dictionary is most likely the one person who can’t read.

Topher: It’s changelings, isn’t it?

RJ: [Celestia] “I don’t think this is on the level.”

[Satan] “No no no, it’s completely fair to all.”

Celestia’s eyes remained transfixed on the far end of the table, where their new ally sat inspecting the final version of the treaty. Queen Chrysalis did not look happy,

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “It says in here you’re only sending two tributes each month, and that you reserve the right to take an equal number of changeling hostages. How am I supposed to drain your emotions dry I MEAN feed my people this way?”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “(grumble) I thought my agent got me out of this…”

Dark Angel: [Chrysalis] “I’m a queen. Shouldn’t that mean I outrank you three?”

and both sides had been horribly paranoid of sitting down in the same room. Either side could use the opportunity to spring a devastating trap.

Scarlet: Celestia’s whoopee-cushion collection was known throughout Equestria and beyond.

Crazy56U: The obligatory clip is on standby, just in case… You all know the one...

Chrysalis protested vehemently against any offer of negotiation, convinced the so-called threat was nothing more than a ruse to lure her someplace where she could be struck down.

Scarlet: Scarlet protested that some of these lines would work much better if dialogue were actually written out.

SC276: We already got enough of that coming up next week, for pete’s sake.

Crazy56U: With great vengeance and furious anger, the kind Samuel L. Jackson preaches about.

It seemed like the alliance would never manifest between ponies and changelings.

Lord Shaxx: Gee, the overthrowing of Celestia during a wedding doesn’t come to mind?

Crazy56U: Please, that was like 2 or 3 seasons ago at this point, that’s old news.

Yet, that all changed after the first attack.

Scarlet: Only the Elements of Harmony, masters of all friendship, could stop the threat. But when the world needed them most…

Crazy56U: (shakes fist towards the sky) DAMN IT FIRE NATION! AGAIN?!

When it became clear to Chrysalis the threat was real,

Crazy56U: Unlike those imaginary threats the news likes to create to stir the populace up.

and that her changelings were a target, her willingness to meet increased ten fold.

Scarlet: Given that it had been zero before, this meant absolutely nothing.

Dark Angel: Well technically, it was 0.000000007 before. But close enough.

Crazy56U: Aw crap, The Big Whatever is armed with bug spray!

“I find the terms acceptable.” Chrysalis spoke with a subtle hiss, as if the words left a foul, sour taste in her mouth.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “But I demand that I retain the rights to the movie version when this is all over.”

Dark Angel: [Celestia] “As long as you get a good actress to play my part, it’s a deal.”

Crazy56U: Eh, they’re better than the Apple’s Terms and Conditions, at least...

She set down the treaty in the middle of the table,

SC276: How long is this table again? I thought it was one of those ridiculous cartoon lengths a minute ago.

Lord Shaxx: Cartoon logic. ‘Nuff said,

Crazy56U: It was a tiny table. This meeting occurred during tea time.

Dark Angel: Technically, it is a ridiculous cartoon length. But the princesses and Chrysalis were sitting at the sides, so technically, it’s ridiculously wide, not long.

before looking up to meet Celestia’s gaze. Celestia knew few beings who could meet her gaze with such confidence,

Crazy56U: And even fewer beings who didn’t crap themselves in the process...

but at the moment Chrysalis sat with mental fortitude and resolve equal to Celestia’s.

Scarlet: The DM was forced to have them make a flat d20 tiebreaker roll.

Crazy56U: Little did Celestia know though was that Chrysalis had a stick of gum handy. She saw enough “Gravity Falls” to know what to do here...

“Then I shall bind this treaty with the agreed upon ancient magical pacts.

RJ: Two pints of Guinness. Each.

Crazy56U: And some appropriate music to go along with them.

Queen Chrysalis, please stand with me.”

Scarlet: [Celestia] “And now sit down on that chair. Yes, good-” *whoopee cushion noise*

[Chrysalis] “CURSE YOUUUUUU-”

Crazy56U: That’s… not how the song goes, Celestia...

Chrysalis did as was requested, rising from her seat as Celestia did the same.

Crazy56U: She didn’t notice the guard quietly pulling the chair out from under her. As soon as she tries to sit down...

Twilight and Luna excused themselves from the table,

Crazy56U: They decided this meeting was stupid, so they went to take a smoke break.

taking a few steps back to ensure they would not get caught up in what was about to occur.

SC276: I love how they’re backing off after not actually doing anything.

Dark Angel: Well, they were only there for decorations after all.

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Uh-uh. I’ve had enough terrible shipfic for one day, and I regret even being a minor character in this one almost instantly.”

Crazy56U: They were backing up in case a fight broke out.

Topher: Hold up, this is a shipfic? Who’s being shipped? Oh, no…

They had wanted to sign the treaty as well, but Celestia convinced them otherwise. If something were to happen, she wanted Twilight, Luna, and the absent Cadance to be able to act even if she could not.

Scarlet: ...that is not how treaties work. Treaties are made with sovereign governments, not individuals. Is Celestia just offering personal legions? Is- gah, wrongness. Wrongness everywhere!

Dark Angel: Just turn off the logical part of your brain. That’s what I did when Bush got reelected.

SC276: Why are they even there then? Witnesses? Reaction guard if Chrysalis pulls anything?

Crazy56U: How much do you want to bet the “treaty” is written on a Burger King wrapper?

The guards, both pony and changeling, stepped back as well.

Crazy56U: Man, everyone’s anticipating a fight to break out…

Dark Angel: But of course that won’t happen. That would actually be interesting.

Everypony but Celestia and Chrysalis gave the meeting table as wide of a berth as possible. The two rulers began to call on their magic, intricate lines forming in the air between them.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “And do you swear to kill Albus D- damn it, who passed me the wrong script?”

[Celestia] “*whistling*”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Hey, check it, I can make a butterfly with these li-”

[Celestia] “Sign the damn Burger King wrapper, already.”

At first the lines were straight,

Crazy56U: Well, as far as they know; the lines had yet to come out of the closet...

like many sharp needles, but they then began to twist.

RJ: It’s spelling something… Eat…. At... Joe’s. … The hell?

SC276: Your arm must be possessed by a marketing team.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Chubby Checker.

As if caught in a whirlpool, the strands of magic were being drawn to the treaty.

Scarlet: Like we riffers, they felt the pull of the fic as if it were a black hole.

Lord Shaxx: With my last breath, I curse Pen Strokeghrglfgfhgl!

Crazy56U: Wait, I’ve seen “Zathura”, that means once we enter it, everything resets and the game ends!

“I, Princess Celestia of Equestria, she who bears the burden of the sun, do hereby swear to this treaty until the shadow of King Sombra has been defeated.

SC276: OK, so the threat is the return of King Sombra. That would’ve been nice to know before now.

Crazy56U: Well, it is Sombra. You really can’t blame the story for putting off mentioning it until now...

I swear this to you, Queen Chrysalis of Newland Hive.”

Scarlet: [Celestia] “But I swear that even so, I shall reserve the right to prank you at every opportunity.”

Crazy56U: Newland? What, was Place not a good enough place for a changeling hive?!

The treaty began to rise from the table,

Crazy56U: And suddenly, this became “The Exorcist”...

and Celestia’s magic wove into the paper as the ink shimmered.

SC276: Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem… *smacks self in the face*

Crazy56U: Shit, I don’t know Latin, uh… Wubba Lubba Dub Dub? (shrug)

Scarlet: Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Dark Angel: Sumus omnes futui!

Topher: SEMPER FIDELIS TYRANNOSAURUS!

“I, Queen Chrysalis of Newland Hive,

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “-and obviously the prettiest monarch in this room-”

Crazy56U: Still sounds like a fake place.

last changeling queen of this continent,

SC276: [Chrysalis] “-and fierce rival of the one on the next continent over-”

Crazy56U: “because I ate the previous queen”

Dark Angel: Nothing like a good breakfast to start the day.

do hereby swear to this treaty until the shadow of King Sombra has been defeated.

Crazy56U: And after the shadow is dealt with, then you can move on to Somba himself.

He took a page out of Ganondorf’s book.

I swear this to you, Princess Celestia of Equestria.”

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “And as for you, Princess Twilight- HA HA YOU SUCK.”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “And as for Princess Luna… eh, I don’t know, this is kinda my first time meeting you…”

The queen’s magic flowed into the treaty, joining with Celestia’s. Like fabric on a loom, their magic twisted, braided, and wove together with the treaty as the linchpin.

Scarlet: Unfortunately the braiding job was terrible and the stylist was forced to give Celestia a refund.

Crazy56U: ...can you braid Celestia’s mane? I mean, I know the comics have it as being actual hair, but...

Both of their signatures appeared on the scroll, cast in magic as the paper and ink shone with a metallic sheen.

Lord Shaxx: The ink promptly vanished. Lemon juice tends to do that.

SC276: [Ursula] “IT IS DONE!”

Scarlet: ARE YOU READY?

Crazy56U: Shing! Sparkle sparkle...

One final snap cut the air, and then the spell was complete. Chrysalis and Celestia’s magic dissipated like smoke,

SC276: *cough cough* Someone open a window!

Crazy56U: (wearing a gas mask) Why?

Dark Angel: (sniffs the air) Oh shit! That wasn’t a whoopie cushion!

and the treaty floated to the table. The moment it touched the wooden surface, a magical barrier surrounded it.

Scarlet: Followed by it being compressed, transformed into light, and sealed into a Pokeball.

Crazy56U: [Luna] “Aw, dammit it, I was aiming it at Chrysalis…”

[Chrysalis] “...I’m sorry?”

To the uninitiated, the barrier appeared thin and frail, but Celestia knew better.

Crazy56U: The barrier’s been eating its Wheaties, it can fuck you up...

She doubted even the combined strength of herself, Luna, Discord, and Chrysalis could hope to crack the spell.

Scarlet: ...so we aren’t using this to protect the realm from Sombra because…?

SC276: But it’ll fold like paper once they add Twilight into the mix.

Topher: That pretty much how most Equestrian obstacles are dealt with.

Crazy56U: Now, if they had Cadance here, it would’ve been even more awesome, but...

It was magic older than most of Equestria’s written history.

Scarlet: The magic of plot convenience!

Crazy56U: OR the magic of plot holes… Either or, really…

Dark Angel: Yeah… they’re often the same thing anyway.

“Well, now that we’re all nice new friends, I have a question,” Chrysalis said with false giddiness. Celestia could see Twilight bristle, taking the words as an insult against the power of friendship.

Scarlet: Because with her sister-in-law’s kidnapper in the same room that is the number one thing that Twilight is concerned with at this moment.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(horn glowing) How DARE you ask things?! DIE! (ZAP)”

Dark Angel: After all, asking things will often result in questions being answered…or ignored. Either/or.

Still, Twilight did not interrupt as Chrysalis continued. “Would one of you care to tell me how King Sombra, who you supposedly defeated, is commanding an army of crystalline dragons to assault my changelings?”

SC276: That is a really good question, actually.

Dark Angel: To be honest, I thought Sombra was defeated too easily.

Lord Shaxx: Red and Green with a splash of Black. I wonder what Lands he’s running?

Scarlet: “Dragons of Tarkir” had some unexpected fallout.

Crazy56U: I’m sorry, what dragons?

Dark Angel: Is it just me, or does it feel like this riff started in the middle of the fanfic?

Luna returned to the table, her brow furrowed. “He’s not just attacking you.”

Scarlet: [Luna] “He took Multi-Attack as a feat, so he’s been using his bonus action to continually throw spears at us.”

Crazy56U: He’s also attacking Canada...

“But we have learned more about the situation,” Celestia said, interrupting her sister before any aggression could take root in the conversation. “Twilight, would you please share your report?”

Lord Shaxx: [Twilight] Let me leave this fic, then I will.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Here. (passes some papers)”

[Celestia] “...Twilight, this is just a bunch of doodles. ...of hamsters, of all

things…”

Twilight grudgingly nodded, retaking her seat at the table as she began to cast her magic out, forming images in the air.

SC276: What is with Twilight being a magic film projector in these fics?

Scarlet: Not the main character and too powerful to be easily dealt with by the narrative, so she gets assigned exposition to make it look like she’s accomplishing things.

Crazy56U: Plus they couldn’t be bothered to spring for an actual projector.

Dark Angel: Well technically, it is canon.

The guards around the room retook their original positions as well, their eyes all focused on the purple magic floating above the freshly signed treaty.

Lord Shaxx: Except for a single pair of guards, who managed to sneak out of the story.

Crazy56U: They knew in advance where this story was going, so they just bailed and

ran for the hills…

Dark Angel: …among other things they wanted to be alone for, if ya know what I mean.

“We have ascertained how King Sombra returned. His horn managed to survive the revival of the Crystal Heart,

SC276: Can we get a continuity nerd to verify this as a possibility? Also, that horn really gets places, when you think about it.

Crazy56U: In order: A) trust me, it is a possibility, B) thanks for the bad mental image, pal...

and was flung deep into the northern mountains.

Crazy56U: And now to defeat the evil villain once and for all by throwing him

carelessly in a random direction!

There, it was found by a dragon, who sensed the magic within and took the horn for her hoard.

Scarlet: Dragons have no capacity for critical thought.

SC276: Judging from some of the Spike-focused episodes, clearly.

Crazy56U: I’d argue with you on this… but, then again, “Princess Spike”...

Dark Angel: In Spike’s defense, and honestly, this bothers me about the fandom, people in the fandom often expect too much out of spike. But the truth is that Spike is only a child. The show is in fact portraying him correctly for his age.

This is all we know for certain after speaking with some of the dragons Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy intercepted as they were fleeing south, but I do have a number of working theories on what occurred after that.”

Scarlet: Can we read about Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash chasing dragons instead? No? Thanks, Pen Stroke, thanks.

Crazy56U: [Pen Stroke] “No problem, friend! :D”

~~~

RJ: [Twilight] “I don’t want to say it was the the tildes…. But it was tildes.”

The Crystal Empire became the focus of Sombra’s assaults, either because of his obsession, its position close to the northern mountains, or some combination of the two.

SC276: Gee, Sombra attacking the Crystal Empire. Real inspired plot so far.

Crazy56U: Well, it is Sombra; he’s one-note like that…

Dark Angel: Unless it’s in the comics somewhere, Sombra has absolutely no personality traits. Sombra’s motives may not be inspired, but Pen Stroke doesn’t really have much to go by. If anything, Pen Stroke gave a better explanation for Sombra’s motives than the show itself did.

The crystal dragons attacked the empire on a near daily basis. Celestia had feared the empire would have to be evacuated.

Lord Shaxx: Wait, they didn’t already? So hundreds of families are still in there, trapped by a shield, which happens to be controlled by known enemies of Equestria, waiting for an unknown number of crystalline draconic constructs to bust through and kill them all? Brilliant idea, Sunbutt.

Scarlet: Actually, better question: Where’s the Crystal Heart during all this? Shouldn’t

their issues be over five seconds ago?

Crazy56U: Cadance pawned it off for beer money. Duh.

Dark Angel: I guess she needs something to get her mind off of her husband’s inabilities in bed.

The alliance with Chrysalis, however, provided the defense the empire so desperately needed. Using the Crystal Heart as a power source, Chrysalis’s changelings were able to construct a consistent, sustainable barrier, a barrier that Shining or Cadance could reinforce when needed with their own magic.

Scarlet: So… pretty much just the usual shield spell that Shining and Cadance can cast with the Crystal Heart then.

Lord Shaxx: Think of it this way: More bug batteries to power the shield, rather than a single alicorn princess. Logical, I know.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, they’re ripping off “The Matrix”...

Dark Angel: Well, they already ripped off Harry Potter.

Despite the aid from the changelings, Cadance and Shining were still understandably cautious of the queen and her motives.

Scarlet: Suspicious? I kind of expected Shining Armor to lock himself in his room while Cadance prepared to rain magical death on Chryssy.

SC276: [Cadance] “You stay away from my husband, you hussy.”

Crazy56U: They are probably wishing they brought some bug spray, just to see what would happen to Chrysalis...

It was a sentiment that Celestia was hoping to ease. She and Chrysalis had just arrived in the empire, coming to inspect the front line and to speak with Shining and Cadance at length about the situation.

Scarlet: They had not been invited to the signing of the treaty because-

Topher: Because Chrysalis fucked Shining.

Crazy56U: Because they would’ve killed Chrysalis on the spot, thus ending the story on the spot. And we can’t have that, now can we?

The trip had been spent in almost complete silence, she and Chrysalis choosing to look out different sides of her royal chariot instead of trying to make any painful small talk.

Lord Shaxx: The DM was not happy.

Topher: [Chrysalis] “So… remember that time I crashed Cadence’s wedding and stuck you in a cocoon? Good times.”

Crazy56U: [Shining] “...so… (cough) ...apparently, crystal dragons exist now…”

They were in no way friends.

Topher: The narrator is definitely not pointing this out so it will make the bond they form seem more unlikely.

Crazy56U: So, no one told them life was gonna be this way. (claps four times)

Celestia still remembered in crisp detail

Crazy56U: Her brain being part crisper drawer and all.

the changeling attack on Canterlot, but for the moment she knew she could trust Chrysalis. The magical treaty they had signed ensured that much.

Scarlet: It had very strict “no-takesy-backsies” clauses and was the magical equivalent of a Pinkie Pie promise.

Crazy56U: After all, it was written on a Burger King wrapper, so you know it’s legit!

Dark Angel: And no ordinary Burger King burger wrapper either. It was a Whopper wrapper.

Celestia stepped down from the chariot first. She stretched from the long trip, looked up at the Crystal Palace, then looked down to the Crystal Heart. Shaped and sculpted changeling goo tightly hugged the twin spikes the heart floated between.

Scarlet: Um. Why is that there. How is that there. Why is the heart not obliterating it?

Lord Shaxx: [Science Woona] Changeling Goo + Love = Changeling Glue

Crazy56U: (chokes back puke) What do they mean exactly by “changeling goo”?

They pulsed with energy like a heartbeat, and each pulse was carried along lines of goo to the outer edges of the empire.

Scarlet: Doesn’t it do that normally?

Crazy56U: The pulsing thing or the goo thing?

There the army maintained the strange, magical constructs of changeling goo which projected the green-hued shield above the city.

Scarlet: So Chrysalis’s entire contribution to the defense was apparently building turrets. Celestia, do you know nothing of siege warfare?

Lord Shaxx: She constructed additional pylons. Very, very essential.

Crazy56U: Heh, I kinda thought Chrysalis would be more into spawning Overlords...

Topher: Changelings using their slime to build magic-based tech? Can we get a fic about this please? This actually seems like a cool idea.

Dark Angel: I agree… assuming I don’t have to touch any of it. (holds back a gag)

It was a shield composed of numerous, interlocking hexagons, a stark contrast to the smooth, round shield spells of Equestria.

Lord Shaxx: The World is corrupted by stupid Bugs. Someone call Kite and Black Rose.

Scarlet: Ha! I got that one!

Crazy56U: Ha! I didn’t...

“It’s a shame this place wasn’t around before Shining and Cadance’s wedding. That Crystal Heart is such a delicious little power source.”

Scarlet: The last time magical love from the two ponies who use that thing contacted you, you got magically punched into the horizon.

Lord Shaxx: Looks like Team Changeling is blasting off again!

Crazy56U: And they were soaring, flying, to who fucking knows where!

Celestia rolled her eyes, knowing Chrysalis couldn’t see her face. The changeling queen always seemed to have a cutting comment, an antagonizing jab, or passive-aggressive phrase she’d lay out.

SC276: Hey, she’s doing our job! Quit doing our job!

Scarlet: She’d lay it out and ask for commentary before revising it several times and submitting the final draft to Celestia, confident in her bitchiness.

Crazy56U: ...so, she was acting like most ponies, then?

It was a sign of her ever-present discontentment with the treaty. After the initial dragon attack, the changelings seemed largely ignored.

Scarlet: Um. Why did you sign it, then? If you got literally no advantage from this arrangement or troop contributions from Equestria, why ally with them? That’s not how allying is supposed to work!

SC276: Why’d Sombra even attack the changelings in the first place? What’ve they ever done to him? If he and Chrysalis or a previous queen were jilted lovers, I could understand that, but as it stands, it’s pretty much just so they could have Celestia and Chrysalis in prolonged contact without immediately killing each other.

Crazy56U: Are we sure Sombra isn’t just attacking the changelings out of boredom? Because boredom’s my guess...

Their central hive was also in the far south, putting them a great distance from the danger. Those factors combined to make Chrysalis less and less interested in maintaining peaceful relations.

Lord Shaxx: And then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Literally.

Crazy56U: (to the sky) A third time? REALLY?!?! (shakes fist towards the sky)

Once more, Celestia felt her choice of binding the treaty with magic was wise. Otherwise, Chrysalis may have already made good on some of her idle threats.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “I will hum the entirety of ninety-nine bottles of beer. Again.”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “I will pee on everything you love.”

“Yes, I suppose it is, but only when the crystal ponies carry hope and light in their hearts,” Celestia commented as Chrysalis came up beside her.

SC276: Ah, I get it. It needs the changeling reinforcement because the crystal ponies have already written off this plot as hopeless.

Scarlet: If only this fic were so meta.

Crazy56U: Well, then that’s why it has us.

She could see it in the queen’s eyes; she was contemplating just what she could do with such a powerful relic.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “I could use the overflowing wave of hope and light to obliterate this entire story! We’d be free!”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “We could pawn it off for beer money… It would make this all the more bearable…”

Dark Angel: I like Crazy’s idea better. (takes a drink)

“It speaks volumes to Princess Cadance and Prince Shining’s leadership that they’ve been able to keep that hope alive despite the near daily attacks.”

SC276: ...I prefer my theory.

Crazy56U: ...same...

“Yes, yes, all credit to the loving couple. Speaking of them, I thought they were supposed to meet us?”

Scarlet: Given Shining Armor doesn’t meet his own sister at the station, I’d be shocked if he found time to sally forth and pick up the person who flash-fried his brain.

“Well, we thought we were just going to be meeting Princess Celestia.”

SC276: No one thought to call ahead of time for something like her effective arch-nemesis being in an Enemy Mine with them right now?

Crazy56U: They tried calling ahead, but they kept getting the answering machine, so they decided “Fuck it”.

Dark Angel: That sounds like what I wanna say.

Chrysalis and Celestia turned their heads to the left, seeing Shining and Cadance stepping around one of the castle’s four crystalline supports.

Scarlet: Then they turned their heads to the right. Then they put their right hoof in, and put their right hoof out.

SC276: ~You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around…~

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, they turned their heads so fast, they managed to snap their own necks. THE END

Dark Angel: I’m confused. Why’d you say that ending this fic would be unfortunate?

Crazy56U: Because.

They were walking close, shoulder to shoulder. Celestia saw the strength of their love and their desire to support one another in a situation neither would enjoy.

Scarlet: What, they’re pitching in on the next Mykan riff?

Topher: She could especially see the strength of their love between Shining’s legs.

Crazy56U: Ew.

Chrysalis must have seen something else, because a small chuckle escaped her lips.

SC276: Apparently, their love is leaking.

Topher: Especially between Cadance’s legs.

Crazy56U: Ew.

Dark Angel: Wait, do Changelings even have lips? And for that matter, do ponies?

It was a chuckle befitting someone who was watching a child trying to be intimidating and succeeding only in being cute and harmless.

Scarlet: The word you’re looking for is “condescending”. Say it with me, kids! “Con-de-scen-ding”!

Topher: Hip-poh-pot-ah-moose?

Crazy56U: (Strong Mad impression) DOUGLAS

Dark Angel: Con-dum-scent-ing?

“I thought it was high time that the Princess Cadance and Queen Chrysalis had a face-to-face, considering we have been allies for nearly a month now,” Celestia said as she took a few steps.

SC276: Wait, it’s been that long? D… Do authors have any idea how to communicate time anymore?!

Lord Shaxx: One does, and I’m not him.

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) Why am I not surprised...

Dark Angel: When I make a timelapse, I make sure the readers know that there’s a timelapse and just how long it’s for.

She positioned herself to ensure she could break up an argument or all-out fight if Chrysalis, Shining, or Cadance turned aggressive.

SC276: But everyone knows that if you look at the bed for too long, Foxy gets you.

Lord Shaxx: (peeks in closet) Aww, what a cute stuffed fox-OH MY F****** GOD!

Topher: (slams closet shut)

Crazy56U: (opens closet) ...guys, you’re freaking out over a stuffed toy… (picks it up) See? Look, it’s even missing its head, calm down…

Dark Angel: (looks in closet) Where’d this creepy looking Tails doll come from?

Crazy56U: (closes closet) That’s enough of that, now...

“It is a shame. I had hoped to see you two at the treaty signing.”

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “I had planned to do a repeat of the whole wedding thing and your absence ruined it!”

Crazy56U: Eh… probably for the best. Rehashing plotlines is generally frowned upon...

Chrysalis put on a fanged smile while using a bit of magic to push some of her long, lanky mane out of her face.

SC276: Why yes, the show of magic was completely necessary.

Topher: On a side note, “Lanky” isn’t really used to describe hair.

Crazy56U: Because using your own hooves to move hair out of your face is just plain

silly...

“We do have so much to catch up on. How was your honeymoon? You’ll have to tell me all about it. I could use a late breakfast, and I’m sure you two would give off a few clouds of love while reminiscing.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “I’m not devouring the love flowing from you currently because-”

Topher: Do you want to eat the love leaking from Shining and Cadence's nether regions?

Crazy56U: EW.

Dark Angel: Chrysalis does know the difference between love and lust. And I second the motion. EW.

Though, I doubt you’d be able to say the honeymoon was more exciting than your wedding.”

SC276: [Shining Armor] “Our honeymoon, actually, involved defending this place from this guy the first time he came back, thank you very much.”

Scarlet: [Cadance] “Honey, let’s show her our favorite position. The one where you hurl me like a javelin.”

Crazy56U: “The Crystal Empire” wasn’t that good, Chrysalis. Trust me, this nonsense is more interesting.

Scarlet: No it isn’t you maniac. Topher, execute him.

Dark Angel: Something about that sounds so wrong. I mean when the nonsense of a bad fic is more interesting than the Crystal Empire in canon…

Topher: (chuckles madly, shoots Crazy in the head)

Crazy56U: (ducks) I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Topher: (douses Crazy in gasoline and sets him on fire) AND I WILL NOT BE DENIED CORPSE S’MORES!

SC276: Behave, children. We got a fic to wrangle over here.

Shining took a step forward, a flicker of magic on his horn. He opened his mouth to bark back at Chrysalis, but Celestia extended a wing and caught her nephew-in-law before a single syllable could escape his lips.

SC276: Nephew-in… what? Hold on, I’mma check this...

Lord Shaxx: It’s correct. Cadance is Sunbutt’s niece, thus Shieldbutt is Sunbutt’s nephew-in-law.

SC276: ...OK, just verified that. It’s just with all the other ridiculous family relationships these fics put characters into, the canon ones can be pretty well hidden.

Topher: Cadence? Don’t you mean Lovebutt?

Crazy56U: A great big family of butts.

Dark Angel: Yeah… I thought something stinks about how that family works. And I don’t think ‘nephew-in-law’ is an actual thing. And does that make Twilight her ‘niece-in-law’? So…Sunbutt, Lovebutt, Shieldbutt, Magicbutt, Bluebutt (snickers), and Moo- (snickers) Moonbutt! (breaks out laughing) I guess this family loves full moons!

Topher: And considering that they are bound to be completely honest with one another, I guess you could say… They like big butts and they cannot lie.

She shook her head once, then withdrew her wing and looked back at Chrysalis. “I think we can all agree the events of that day are a sensitive subject.

Scarlet: And that is pretty much the last time we really address the painful trauma that must come from Shining Armor and Cadance working with the person who tried to mentally break and imprison them. Awesome Storytelling!

Crazy56U: YEAH!

Why don’t we focus on the task at hoof, hmm? Princess Cadance, have there been any breaches in the protective barrier?”

SC276: [Cadance] “First thing, when you got here, did you remember to close the door behind you?”

[Celestia] “Umm…”

Topher: [Sombra] “It’s cool, I shut it when I came in.”

Dark Angel: [Shining Armor] “Why thank you. That’s really generous of you.”

Crazy56U: (pulls out some duct tape) Here, this should help.

“None,” Cadance answered, looking to Celestia and acting as if Chrysalis wasn’t even there. “A few of the panels, as the changelings call them,

SC276: Since when were the changelings allied with Aperture Science?

Crazy56U: If so, does that mean they’re armed with portal guns in this? Please say this is a thing that happens. Please, please, please, I’LL GIVE YOU MY BLOOD!

Scarlet: Huh, the Red Truth. I didn’t know you were also a witch!

Topher: (pulls out a bottle and a knife) What? you were offering!

showed signs of fractures during some assaults. However, they were reinforced before a breach could truly occur.”

Scarlet: Unlike this story’s narrative flow, which has already begun to show signs of weakness.

Lord Shaxx: (cracks up)

Crazy56U: (tapes up Lord Shaxx) Glad I didn’t put away that tape...

“And what about my changelings?”

Lord Shaxx: What about ‘em?

Topher: Um… yeah, about that.. It turns out the crystal heart works great as a bug zapper!

Crazy56U: So that’s why I keep smelling fried chicken...

Chrysalis asked. “Celestia assures me you’ve been taking good care of them. She and I can’t lie to one another because of the treaty, but I can’t help but wonder if maybe you lied to her.”

Scarlet: [Cadance] “Well, I had to reinforce those panels with something.”

Crazy56U: Chrysalis has played enough L.A. Noire to determine if others are lying to her or not...

“I would not betray Princess Celestia’s trust like that,” Cadance said, pronouncing her words in a sharp rhythm, as if wanting to stab them into Chrysalis’s brain.

Scarlet: After failing in that attempt, she switched to her off-hand weapon.

Crazy56U: While simultaneously actually stabbing Chrysalis brain with her horn.

“They’ve constructed their own housing just outside the empire from goo and some crystal building materials. They are allowed to come and go as they please, and they are being well fed.”

Scarlet: [Cadance] “It turns out that True Love and vindaloo have a remarkably similar flavor, consistency, and magical effect on insects.”

Crazy56U: Stop saying goo.

At that Cadance turned her head, looking into the distance. Celestia followed her adoptive niece’s gaze,

Dark Angel: You know, I can accept the ‘adopted’ part of that, since it explains allot of questions I have about the relationship between Sunbutt and Lovebutt. But how does one become an adopted niece?! Did Sunbutt just decided “I’m gonna adopt you, but I don’t want the responsibilities of being a mother, so you’re my niece.”?

Crazy56U: Well, we don’t know exactly what happened between Celestia banishing Nightmare Moon and Celestia taking on Twilight as her personal assistant, so maybe you’re right…

Scarlet: Official confirmation of her status as royalty by making her a part of the royal family. Also, adopting her as a daughter would be weird given Cadance probably has living parents, and Twilight didn’t need to be adopted because she’s now related to the royal family by marriage through Shining. Duh.

noticing she was focusing on the top of a nearby building’s roof.

Scarlet: And that was when the air strike Shining Armor had called in barreled into Chrysalis, freeing her from this story in the same moment it annihilated her.

There was something on the roof resembling a weather vane attached to a barrel. Cadance was manipulating the device.

Scarlet: I have no idea why but I feel like the above lines are obscene. I blame Eakin.

Crazy56U: And this fic is now Rated R.

Dark Angel: Hell, if any fic we riff isn’t Rated R, we make it Rated R. Are riffers pirates?

Crazy56U: (suddenly wearing an eyepatch and hook hand) I don’t know what you’re

talking about.

She pulled out the cork from the barrel before levitating something out of the interior. She then replaced the cork while levitating the barrel’s contents over to where the four were standing.

“What is that?” Chrysalis asked,

SC276: Another very good question.

Scarlet: [Cadance] “Hydrochloric acid!”

Topher: It’s some of Shining’s Love for me! I milked him last night!

Crazy56U: WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE?!

and Celestia couldn’t deny her own curiosity. It was liquid, similar in density to water but with a rich, red tone like raspberry jam.

Scarlet: So the density of water but with the thickness and rich color of preserves. Well, I suppose it is magic’s job to give things impossible properties.

Crazy56U: ...well, I’m hungry now. (pulls out a jar of jam)

She sensed something from it, a kind of magic, but it was not one she had encountered before. Warm, gentle, and with a quiver of life.

Scarlet: Given what we’re about to be told about this magic’s identity, I call bullshit on “not encountered before.”

Crazy56U: Here’s where I’d reference Star Wars. ...but I refuse to, so have more JonTron instead.

She imagined holding the liquid, in magic or in hoof, would feel like gingerly holding a dove.

Scarlet: A dove with the density of water but the consistency of raspberry jam and okay this isn’t a description it’s a mad lib.

Topher: How can she hold liquid in her hoof? It would fall through the holes!

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure this is supposed to mean that changelings are Love Benders.

Dark Angel: So does that mean that Bugbutt can bend Lovebutt’s butt? Wow, that’s a lot of butts.

“Oh, has the great and powerful Queen Chrysalis never seen liquid love before?”

Scarlet: Aaaand here’s where my calling bullshit on Celestia having no idea what the magical nature of this stuff is comes into play. Also, because I want dibs: What is love?

Dark Angel: Well, if you’re calling dibs on that reference, just remember that Lovebutt is trying to explain that All You Need is Love. I just want Lovely Rita to Love Me Do.

SC276: I’d say “baby don’t hurt me,” but this fic hurts.

Crazy56U: Well, according to some hack named Finkelstein, love is a myth…

RJ: [Chrysalis] Yeah, while you were in the caves your husband sprayed his ‘liquid love’ in my fac~

[Shining] I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT.

Crazy56U: (gag) ...aw, fuck… (pukes on RJ’s shoes)

The grin on Cadance’s face made it clear she was enjoying turning the tables on the antagonizing queen. Her smile only grew as she levitated the sphere of liquid until it was inches away from Chrysalis’s face. “Here, first shot’s on the house.”

Scarlet: [Cadance] “And subsequent shots after the addiction sets in will have non-negotiable price tags of eternal servitude.”

Crazy56U: Oh, sure, you call it a shot, but you don’t deliver it in either a shot glass or a needle. If you’re going to share drugs, use the correct vernacular!

Chrysalis eyed Cadance, but after a few moments she called on her own magic. The levitation spell around the red liquid changed from blue to green,

Scarlet: This actually bugs me- it’s a thing Pen Stroke does quite a bit. The action here is “Chrysalis took the sphere of liquid from Cadance and swallowed it”, but he goes into describing the magical aura changing, and the little details. All of which would be nice, but without really spectacular prose to back it up it just looks cluttered.

and then Chrysalis cracked open her mouth. It sounded as if she was just breathing in through her mouth.

Scarlet: Or perhaps she was preparing to vomit through her mouth.

SC276: This was a completely necessary detail.

Crazy56U: Thanks for explaining how breathing works!

Yet, slowly and surely, the liquid began to evaporate and flow into Chrysalis’s waiting maw.

Scarlet: Suck it up, Kirby!

SC276: *plays that awesome heroic music*

Crazy56U: CHUG CHUG CHUG!

To watch a changeling drain love was, in a way, like watching a pony yawn.

SC276: Or watching us yawn.

Crazy56U: (yawns) ...damn, all this yawning talk...

A long, drawn out expression involving a wide open mouth.

Scarlet: Decent comparison. Except yawning involves expelling things.

Dark Angel: Well technically, yawning is also for for cooling down the brain by cooling the blood that is on it’s way to the brain. So the majority of what a yawn is for is the inhaling.

Crazy56U: (louder yawn) Guys, seriously, stop the yawn conversation…

Dark Angel: Don’t blame us. This entire fic so far is a big ya-(yawns)-awn.

Chrysalis let her eyes slide shut, the corners of her mouth trying to form a smile despite her gaping maw. She seemed to lose track of the world for several seconds before she was forced to exhale.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Alright, you got me. That’s the good shit. I’ll pay you for twenty grams.”

The stream of love ended, and Chrysalis rejoined reality while her tongue flicked against her lips, trying to catch any stray vapor.

RJ: [Chrysalis] “Completely medicinal purposes, I swear!”

“Well, somepony sure likes that liquid love I invented.”

Scarlet: [Cadance] “We’ll meet in the courtyard around 3:30. Don’t call the police, and make sure you bring the cash.”

Cadance’s words soured Chrysalis’s moment of jubilation. For a moment Celestia feared she would throw the love back, splashing it in Cadance’s face,

Scarlet: The love she just drank.

Crazy56U: Can you even puke love back up? …I mean, yeah, you can puke up rainbows, but...

but Chrysalis's magic held tightly to the liquid. It was like she was guarding some precious treasure. “How did you create this?” Chrysalis hissed.

Scarlet: Which is now magically outside her stomach again. Continuity!

SC276: I think the intention was that Chrysalis only drank a little bit, not the whole thing. In which case, Cadance brought the whole thing out because she’s a dick.

Crazy56U: Candy hearts. Duh.

RJ: Probably dirty magazines and some lonely times.

“It was thanks to your drones,” Cadance said, her smile only growing as she began to explain.

Scarlet: [Cadance] “We had to grind them down to extract their love-essence.”

SC276: We already did the Rainbow Factory prequel, dude.

Topher: We originally experimented with this love potion I found in a book, but the drones kept calling each other “Schmoopy-doo” and “Pooky-Pie.”

Crazy56U: [Cadance] “Surprisingly, it’s the same science as making meth!”

“They were bothering the patrons of the most romantic restaurant in the empire by standing on the other side of the street and staring at it with their mouths open.

Scarlet: And by “most romantic restaurant” she does mean “her bedroom window.”

SC276: So they were doing their best gargoyle impressions.

Crazy56U: They better stop doing that, their faces might freeze in that position. ...or get a dislocated jaw...

It was an awkward sight, but it gave me an excuse to ask them just how your kind feeds on love. After I learned that, I began to wonder if I couldn’t apply my special talent of spreading love to capture it as well.

Scarlet: So she absorbed the love of her subjects and converted it into a liquid form and how is this different from what the Changelings already do?

Lord Shaxx: …Pen Stroke wrote it? Does that count?

Crazy56U: It’s different because shut up.

With some help from Twilight, I was able to construct the device on the roof over there.

Scarlet: Jesus. My Eakin joke actually did get more appropriate.

Crazy56U: (gives Scarlet a gold star sticker) You did it!

“It is a magically charmed crystal that naturally absorbs the ambient love in the air and then condenses it into a liquid. The liquid then flows through a tube into the accompanying barrel.

Scarlet: Again- how is this different than what the Changelings were doing? If they don’t need to feed directly from specific beings, this should not be something you need a device for.

SC276: Yeah, if we’re going with the way changelings eat in the comics here, this is most likely not even possible. They eat the fire, not the heat.

Crazy56U: Well, luckily, we’re not going by the comics...

We’ve placed a dozen collectors adjacent to some of the most romantic areas of the empire,

Topher: [Cadence] “Strip clubs, brothels, that kinda thing.”

Dark Angel: [Cadance] “Of course the Changelings are becoming friskier for some reason.”

Crazy56U: So that explains why Makeout Point is being occupied by changelings...

and just those dozen are managing to keep all the drones and warriors you sent well fed. In fact, we’re generating a surplus.

Scarlet: We’ve spent more words on this than on the plan to defeat Sombra. And sadly, there is a reason for that.

SC276: Can’t that guy do more in a plot where he’s the villain for once? We don’t even have the backup of all his preset defenses guarding the one thing that can stop him this time.

I can send you home with a full barrel of liquid love if you’d like. Consider it an apology for kicking your boney flank out of Canterlot and making you miss the wedding reception.”

Scarlet: One, chitin and probably not bone if they’re insects. Two, that’s really dry considering that last time you had a conversation with this woman she’d stolen everything you held dear and locked you in a mineshaft. Three, do you see what I mean about all of this just being wrong?

Dark Angel: Is there anything about this fic that’s right?

Celestia didn’t entirely approve of Cadance’s attitude.

Scarlet [Celestia]: “Cadance, don’t apologize to your tormentor. You were the victim and you can’t allow her power over you.” ...Like, seriously. Why would you chide her for being nasty to her kidnapper.

She was obviously trying to dig and poke at Chrysalis just as the changeling queen had been trying to get a rise out of them.

Scarlet: No, Pen Stroke, really, couldn’t have figured any of that out for myself, this was such a necessary line of prose. Corkscrew, please!

SC276: Sorry, lost them. As it turns out, they aren’t very good trying to hold up waffle delivery trucks. ...I’m hungry.

Topher: Shining already had a raging rise going if you catch my drift!

Crazy56U: If it lasts for more than four hours, he may need to call a doctor…

Dark Angel: Meh. He’s probably lucky if it lasts for more than four seconds.

Yet, at the same time, Celestia couldn't deny the pride swelling in her chest.

Scarlet: Which tragically turned out to actually be an oncoming heart attack, freeing Celestia from the story.

SC276: I’ve heard that actually starts in the arm. So ponies have a heart attack at the same time their leg gives out and tilts them. Every time.

Topher: And then the changeling embryo implanted in her chest burst out of her ribcage, killing her instantly and showering everyone with blood and viscera.

Crazy56U: And then she burped. She gets “pride” and “gas” confused a lot...

Cadance had done her very best to ensure the changelings were well taken care of, and in the process, she may have provided a means for a peace that could extend past Sombra’s defeat.

Scarlet: Because there was no way the Changelings could have done this without a magical bullshit device. At all. Even though standing outside date spots is apparently all they ever needed to do.

SC276: The creepiness of it isn’t even necessary; they change shape. Granted, a bunch of crystal ponies standing around with their mouths open is still a little freaky, but less so than big black horse-bugs doing it.

Topher: Let’s test that theory. (walks over to a corner, turns to face everyone, opens his mouth wide, starts breathing heavily, staring blankly into space)

Crazy56U: Hmm… (pulls out a bag of marshmallows) (tosses one into Topher’s open mouth) Woo! Three points!

Dark Angel: Now that I see it like that, I think it’s less awkward for Changelings in their natural form to do that than to see ponies doing that. Because for Changelings, it’s an expected reaction. But with ponies… or Topher in this case, they look like someone with a developmental disorder. Then again, maybe that’s just Topher.

“That would be... very kind of you.” The liquid love was beginning to boil inside Chrysalis’s magical grasp, but she didn’t throw it to the ground or in Cadance’s face.

Scarlet: Chrysalis is just upset that after all her hard work and her amazing villain aria, all it took to solve the problem was a simple act of narrative convenience.

Crazy56U: Hindsight’s a bitch.

To Celestia, it was a sign that Chrysalis knew the importance of Cadance’s discovery, despite her own anger and frustration.

SC276: Seriously, though, way to be a scientist.

“Still, perhaps we should discuss this later. We are, after all, here to inspect the front line.”

Scarlet: Oh right there was an invasion plot in this story. Sorry, I was distracted by the technicalities of producing liquid love. Which I promise will not in any way come back in the form of bullshit.

SC276: Let me guess. One of them gets splashed with it and orgy ensues.

Scarlet: Ahahahaha no somehow worse.

Lord Shaxx: Gonna take a wild guess and say shipping.

Crazy56U: ...Celestia gets drunk on love, doesn’t she?

“Of course,” Shining said, wearing a smile like Cadance’s as he turned and motioned with one hoof. “Please, follow me and I’ll take you to the command post where you can ask your changelings just how much they love my wife’s liquid love.”

SC276: OK, I just now noticed the double entendre that this whole thing is. Augh...

Scarlet: The worst thing about that line is that I think it might be intentional. In which case, Shining Armor, you are fucked up!

Topher: I need to start hanging out with that guy.

Crazy56U: (cough) ...I feel the need to puke all of a sudden…

Dark Angel: I really hate doing this, but I have to defend this story. I think SC and Scarlet are right. I believe this was a double entendre and that it was intentional. But it wasn’t intentional on the author’s part, even though technically it is, it’s intentional on Shining’s part to specifically get under Chrysalis’ skin…er…shell. Either that or Cadance doesn’t get enough ‘liquid love’ from Shining, and needs something extra.

Chrysalis growled and sneered, but didn’t mutter a word as she followed behind Shining. Celestia and Cadance lingered a moment, watching the two pass. Celestia then put a hoof on Cadance’s shoulder,

Scarlet: [Celestia] “It’s just red Kool-Aid with a hallucinogen in it, isn’t it?”

[Cadance] “Yup.”

Crazy56U: And then it turns out it’s Hawaiian Punch with a hallucinogen in it! PLOT

TWIST!

giving an approving nod before they too began walking towards the command post. Yes, there was still tension, but Celestia now had a hope of her own. Peace could last past the defeat of their mutual enemy, and like Discord, an old foe could be turned into a new ally.

Scarlet: Speaking of which, Discord hasn’t been dispatched to help with Sombra because pickled hamsters rule the moon.

Crazy56U: And since Discord made those pickled hamsters, he has to stop them before they figure out how to create moon nukes and manage to glass Equestria. Figures that problem would arise now, but hindsight’s 20/20.

~~~

“What does it taste like?”

Scarlet: Three scenes in and we’re still nowhere near doing real battle with Crystal Dragon Sombra. Are we just not going to form a Fellowship already?

SC276: Let me guess, it’s now two years later?

Crazy56U: Nope, two days later.

A few more weeks of the stalemated war had passed. Sombra’s crystal dragon army had yet to penetrate the empire’s defensive barrier, yet the alliance was equally unsuccessful in locating Sombra’s lair.

Scarlet: [Pegasus #1] “Hey, that mountain has a bunch of black crystal things growing out of it. Think he could be there?

[Changeling #1] “Nah. That’s what he wants us to think.”

SC276: [Sombra] “Dammit! When are they actually going to fall for it?!”

Crazy56U: [Sombra] “(removes a ‘Sombra’s Place’ sign from the ground) ...maybe this is too obvious…”

The northern mountains were treacherous, similar to the Everfree Forest in varying degrees.

Scarlet: Like the Everfree, they were full of ancient pony fortifications, autonomous weather, animals that care for themselves, and plot points.

Crazy56U: And, sometimes, plot holes.

Dark Angel: Chances are that if they look, all they’d find are the plot holes. Because this fic has yet to reveal any other plot points.

There were not as many monsters, if you didn’t count the crystal dragons,

Topher: And thus, more of our time was wasted on pointless words.

Crazy56U: Why would you not count them? I THINK THEY COUNT AS MONSTERS!

but the cold temperatures, frequent storms, and dangerous terrain made for an unforgiving landscape.

Scarlet: The ponies couldn’t fly in and push away the bad weather because.

Crazy56U: Because of the plot holes powering Sombra’s nonsense, obviously.

Dark Angel: Whenever any pegasi go near the weather to try to push it back, they fall into one of the countless plot holes.

She and Chrysalis had sent troops into the mountains to try and scout out where all the crystal dragons were coming from, but Sombra was being smart.

Scarlet: [Sombra] “Ha! I have decorated my lair with green crystals instead of black ones! They’ll never look for me here!”

Crazy56U: [Sombra] “(places a ‘Not Sombra’s Place’ into the ground) There! Genius.”

Dark Angel: Sombra being smart is forbidden! This fic is a no intelligence zone!

The dragons weren’t taking the same path through the mountains. Some, in fact, were just roving in packs, as if biding their time until they were given the command to attack.

Scarlet: That tactical genius! He’s ordered his army to split up into separate divisions and attack from multiple vantage points! He’s even got a reserve force!

SC276: Not bad for a guy that only had a vocabulary of like three words the last time he came up, and that’s a generous estimate.

Crazy56U: Too generous, if you ask me…

Dark Angel: Not unless you count the comics. I’m sure he has a vocabulary of at least eight words.

That or they were patrolling the mountains to defend against the possible incursion of a large equine army.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “We can’t go into the mountains and crush Sombra’s army if we don’t know where his lair is! We might have to fight him!”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “Mountains can avalanche! We can’t deal with that shit!”

Thus it had become a waiting game, one where life in Equestria had to continue. Celestia had ruling to do, meetings to attend, but now there was a new oddity in her routine.

SC276: I was joking about the two years part.

Scarlet: She was now forced to boot Crystal Dragons out of her throne room before officially opening court. This satisfied her more than the actual court proceedings.

Crazy56U: So, the war ground to a long ass stalemate? ...is this supposed to be a fantasy-style World War I?

She now crossed paths with Chrysalis on a regular basis. The changeling queen was only in Canterlot every few days, but she came to the capitol nonetheless to ensure the treaty was still being respected and to oversee the transfer of another shipment of liquid love.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “You got the goods?”

[Celestia] “That all depends on whether or not you’ve got my money.”

Crazy56U: Silly question, does this mean there’s some Breaking Bad-esque liquid love-based shenanigans going on in the background that we don’t know of? Because if liquid love is supposed to be a drug…

Scarlet: Thanks for the fic idea, Crazy. I vote that you write it.

Crazy56U: I suck as a writer, so no. You have my permission to write it.

Dark Angel: I’m sure neither of you will have to worry about that. I’m sure Pen Stroke will write that fic at some point.

That was what had made Celestia voice her question.

Scarlet: So to recap, the fact that the war is currently in a stalemate has led to Chrysalis occasionally showing up at court which has led directly to Celestia wondering how to taste love and oh god that just doesn’t sound right.

Crazy56U: I’m more confused that Celestia waited until now to ask what love tastes like…

Dark Angel: I know. I would be curious from the start. I’d even consider trying Cadance’s liquid love myself.

The five words broke the silence between her and Chrysalis. She had been eating her own lunch when Chrysalis came in to sit and drink a glass of liquid love.

Scarlet: Oh look, they’re bonding. See, because they are hanging out together. Much chemistry.

Crazy56U: Such friend. Wow.

That itself was another interesting development. While the liquid love was too potent to be drunk raw, the changelings realized they could dilute it with water.

Scarlet: What, cutting it already? Well, I suppose it’s healthier than snorting the raw product.

SC276: If they couldn’t drink it raw, how was Chrysalis able to drink it, right from the barrel, with no consequence last scene?

Topher: That was just a little taste of the cheap stuff. THIS stuff is a madman.

Crazy56U: Does love have a proof, like alcohol does? I’m actually kinda curious here...

Dark Angel: DAMNIT! I’m defending the fic again! But perhaps it’s not a case that it ‘can’t’ be drunk, but that it’s so potent that they need allot less than they realize, so the Changelings would ingest too much love. Basically like how you don’t notice the affects of eating too much until it’s too late. Or perhaps it’s potent in a different way, and this is implying that Celestia and Chrysalis have already made their own…(mumbles) liquid love.

The diluted liquid resembled wine more than raspberry jam, and Chrysalis herself had taken to sipping the mixture from a long-stemmed glass.

Scarlet: So again- it’s the density of water, consistency of jam, you hold it like a dove, and it dilutes into wine. Magic!

SC276: I do not drink… wine. *sips orange juice*

Crazy56U: (scoff) Orange juice? Please… (chugs Diet Coke)

Topher: PFFT! Lightweights. *chugs gasoline*

Dark Angel: (throws a lit match at Topher) Anyone want to roast weenies?

Topher: Nice try, but I ingested the gasoline! It’ll only catch fire if (belch).... uh oh. (bursts into flames) Oh well, at least we have weenies.

“Come again?” Chrysalis asked,

Dark Angel: [Celestia] “I already have! Six times!”

having been too lost in her own thoughts to hear Celestia’s rather unprovoked question.

SC276: Much like we are. Like, seriously, I don’t see the question anywhere.

Crazy56U: “What does it taste like?” You’re welcome.

Lord Shaxx: [Imperfect Cell] Gladly.

“What does liquid love taste like?

SC276: That is six words, not five.

Crazy56U: Again, it’s referring to “What does it taste like?”...

SC276: Well, sorry for missing a line of this dullfest.

Does it taste different from when you consume love in a more traditional manner?”

Scarlet: I used up my allocation of “what is love” jokes way too early.

Crazy56U: You fool.

Dark Angel: What’s love got to do with it?

Topher: “So typical of you Canterlot snobs! Always trying to oppress us with your “traditional” views of how to consume love!”

Chrysalis took a long drink from the glass, as if needing to prepare herself for the trying task of having a pleasant conversation.

Scarlet: Funny, canonically she has a hard time shutting the hell up.

Lord Shaxx: As does almost every major antagonist. You’d think the monologue would be their downfall, but it isn’t.

Topher: Pretty much every villain in any media ever talks too much.

Crazy56U: CHUG CHUG CHUG!

Dark Angel: So what you’re saying is that Sombra is not a villain? Because I have absolutely no memory of him speaking.

She then set the glass down and turned in her seat to face Celestia properly. “It does taste different. When I consume love straight from the source, it has a very discernible flavor depending on what love the pony is feeling. I’m sure you can understand that there is a difference between loving a pet, loving a garden, and loving a husband.”

Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “Though really, it’s not about the flavor so much as it is about the despair in their eyes when I take all of it from them.”

SC276: The fear will make his meat sweeter.

Lord Shaxx: “Ackerman! Is that you? ...I can smell you! I smell… FRESH MEAT!”

Topher: The most popular kind of love, at least among male changelings, was mare on mare.

Crazy56U: What about loving yourself?

“And the liquid love?”

“It’s something of a mixture, a cocktail.”

Crazy56U: Of the Molotov persuasion, or of the alcohol persuasion?

Chrysalis picked up her glass again, turning it slowly and watching as the liquid within swirled in reaction.

Scarlet: Water into raspberry dove wine cocktail. Jesus Christ himself never accomplished such miracles.

SC276: Wait, I thought the collectors were at the big love spots. Surely the more romantic date types would be the most prominent, with only a touch of the hobby types.

Crazy56U: That… doesn’t really answer my question, Chrysalis...

“Because those condensers are gathering love from multiple sources, the flavors all blend together. Sometimes it tastes rather bland, little different from the water I’m mixing it with.

Scarlet: Water into raspberry dove wine cocktail water. You know, when H.P. Lovecraft described things beyond the capacity of human description it was terrifying. When Dante Alighieri did it, it was rapturous. When Pen Stroke does it, it’s dull.

SC276: Why couldn’t this have been about the fighting again?

Crazy56U: Because Pen Stroke is stupid.

But certain barrels from certain collectors have a more discernible flavor. The barrels marked with a number six taste mostly of the romantic love between couples.

Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “I like to imagine the expressions of horror on their faces as I first imprison and impersonate one and then slowly destroy the other every time I drink it.”

SC276: Ahh, a Chateau de Crystal, 1974. Compared to it, Phat Crystal Disco, 2015, is basically liquid shit.

Crazy56U: Hmm, let’s test that… (drinks Phat Crystal Disco) ... (pukes on the floor)

I found out from Cadance that collector number six is very near the restaurant where my changelings, as she said, were standing on the other side of the street with their mouths hanging open. That liquid love tastes of the gentle allure experienced when couples enjoy a candlelit dinner.”

SC276: It’s just like being there!

Scarlet: Meanwhile, Sombra is rampaging. Thousands are dying. And that isn’t even a joke.

Crazy56U: (worried) ...y-you sure about that?

Scarlet: Sombra is rampaging. Thousands are dying.

SC276: Yeah, Crazy, I’d call that pretty sure.

Celestia nodded, honestly enjoying the conversation. Chrysalis wasn’t being condescending or passive-aggressive, and Celestia found the topic truly interesting.

Scarlet: Pen Stroke, buddy. I can tell what’s going on for myself. You don’t have to lay it out for me.

Crazy56U: Well, in Pen Stroke’s defense, some people might either be coming in late or (like me) are skimming the story. While this is kind of annoying, it’s not completely pointless…

It was something she herself wouldn’t have considered in regards to the collectors, yet at the same time it made a great deal of sense.

Scarlet: Or at least as much as that gentle-dove comparison earlier ever could.

SC276: I’m OK with stuff not making sense if it’s fun to read.

If she took a bunch of different foods she liked and just blended them all together, then all those flavors would intermingle and mix. With pony food the result would probably be gut-wrenchingly horrible, but with love the different flavors seemed at least modestly compatible.

Scarlet: This is such an important description. Truly the most interesting thing in this story is the mechanics of liquid love.

SC276: Still waiting for one of them to get splashed in it and the orgy to happen.

Topher: You can achieve the same effect with large quantities of vodka.

Crazy56U: So, just like that movie “Perfume”? The movie that had a massive orgy as

the climax? And no, I’m not making this up.

Once more she was reminded of wine, and how very different flavors could be produced by changing what varieties and quantities of the grapes and the kind of barrels they were stored in.

Scarlet: This story was featured almost as soon as it got posted, by the way. Stayed up there too. People actually made it past this.

Dark Angel: Maybe they just skipped ahead to the good stuff. Of course that’s assuming there’s any good stuff in this fic. Like most riffs, I’m doing this blind and don’t know if this get’s better later or not.

“I wonder if it’s digestible by ponies?” Celestia mused as she watched Chrysalis take another sip,

Scarlet: Ahahahahaha I’ve read this before and that question hurts.

SC276: ...I am both cautiously hopeful and dumbfoundingly terrified of my orgy prediction being right.

Crazy56U: ...I should’ve read this before riffing it…

Dark Angel: Don’t worry. I never read the fic before riffing. I often regret it, but it also allows me a fresh, unbiased view of the fic. I am able to take in all of it’s shit in all it’s impurity, or I can manage to give a defensive view of the fic…even though they probably don’t deserve being defended. I’ve already defended this yawn inducer twice.

yet before the conversation could continue further, one of the halls windows burst apart. Something large and black had smashed through the glass, sending shards showering across the table.

Scarlet: Oh thank God, the plot. I was starting to glaze over.

SC276: Chandler, your law took forever to kick in. I want a refund.

Crazy56U: Cujo, NO! ...wait, Cujo was brown, not black…

Dark Angel: That’s right, there’s supposed to be a plot in here somewhere.

The black mass itself bounced once with a sickening crack. It then slid across the table, leaving a gruesome green smear against the polished wood before coming to a stop next to Chrysalis.

It was one of her warriors.

Scarlet: [Changeling] “Message for you, sir.”

Crazy56U: Wait, did he get into a bar fight or someth-

“My queen... the hive,” The changeling choked out, but even that much effort seemed to take the last of the changeling’s strength. He collapsed, body growing still though faint breathing motions continued in his chest.

Scarlet: Told you that Sombra thing earlier wasn’t a joke!

Crazy56U: -ing? ...aw, fuck…

Dark Angel: Oh god! I hope that Changeling will be alright! Oh god!!! I just said I hoped a Changeling would be alright!!!

“We need a doctor!” Celestia shouted, using magic to carry her words throughout the entire castle. Chrysalis, however, did not linger. She released the wine glass, and before it was able to fall to the floor, she was out the door.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Oh hell no, ‘I Need a Doctor’ was a shitty single and Dre should feel bad!”

SC276: Feed him the fucking wine based in the thing his species needs to survive, asshole! Or at least some degree of first aid!

Crazy56U: Aw, fuuuuuck…

Dark Angel: [Celestia] “Somepony find the TARDIS!”

Celestia stayed just long enough for her guards to arrive, ensuring the warrior would not be left alone, before she ran out the door to pursue Chrysalis.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Just give Dre a chance! Detox might still be good!”

~~~

By the agreements in the treaty, Chrysalis had not been required to divulge the location of her central hive.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Alright, Celestia. As per the terms of our agreement I want to station several of my warriors in a northern portion of one of your allies’ holdings, while I keep the location of my own population bases a total secret thus ensuring that you can send me no magical or military aid whatsoever.”

[Celestia] “...”

[Chrysalis] “I see you are in awe of my brilliance.”

Crazy56U: In retrospect, that’s kinda dumb...

When the first attack came, a branch hive in the north had been the target. It was what drove Chrysalis to agree to the treaty and alliance.

SC276: Oh, so that’s why! That would’ve been nice to know BEFORE NOW!

Crazy56U: Did Pen Stroke forget to mention that before? Why wait until what I assume to be a very fucked up part of the story to mention this?!

It, however, had also driven her to paranoia, as far as Celestia could say.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “You sure you won’t even take a few Night Guard members who will be sworn to secrecy or something?”

[Chrysalis] “Send me booze and that’s all I need.”

Crazy56U: Well, gee, what tipped you off, Sunbutt?

The location, layout, population, and defensive strength of the changeling’s center hive were all secrets that Chrysalis had taken great pains to keep. None of her changelings spoke a peep, and every time the topic was mentioned to the queen herself, she’d wave it off with a snide remark.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Sombra, Schmombra. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “This can in no way, shape, OR form bite me in the ass!”

The layers of secrecy, however, had meant none could come to aid the changelings when the enemy stood at the gates.

Scarlet: [Pegasus #1] “In retrospect, we probably should’ve engaged that massive detachment of dragons before they left the mountains, shouldn’t we?”

[Changeling #1] “Nah, I’m sure it’ll all be fine. Come on, let’s check under that rock over there for Sombra!”

SC276: [Sombra] “Who are these creatures so clever enough to miss every single one of my cunning traps?!”

Crazy56U: They managed to sneak past the gates and the guards by wearing “We’re Not The Enemy” shirts...

She landed gingerly, if only to keep herself from falling from the sky. The air was acrid.

SC276: So’s the fic.

It smelt of burning goo, an odor that had permeated Canterlot for a time while they had been recovering from the wedding day attack. But there were undertones of something else, the odors of death and disaster that Celestia could not ignore.

Scarlet [Celestia]: “Ugh! It’s like walking through a death metal band’s afterparty!”

Crazy56U: (chokes back some puke) H-hey, maybe it’s not as bad as it’s being made out to be… Heh… (gulp)

Dark Angel: I don’t see what the big deal is. From all of these fics, shouldn’t you have gained an immunity to-(pukes) Never mind.

Celestia stood within clear view of Knight’s Peak, a well-known landmark visible on the horizon from the southernmost watchtower of Equestria. Looking like the proud knight of a chessboard, the natural rock formation was a silent guardian on the very edge of the kingdom.

Scarlet: So wait- this thing is in the south. And Sombra’s crystal dragon army was explicitly up in the north, fighting Cadance in the Crystal Empire. And they moved these dragons down here… how?

SC276: They made use of the whole “liquid love” thing for a distraction. It’s the only possible explanation. This is what happens when you leave people behind the black all the time.

Smoke now rose from unseen holes in the mountain’s weather-worn eyes, and below its smoldering gaze, the dry, brown earth was stained green and littered with body both insectoid and crystalline.

SC276: After what seems like a year at war, they finally manage to peg some of those guys? Gheeze, even the war part is getting boring…

Dark Angel: Okay, we’ve seen the foreplay, and we’ve seen the aftermath. But we have yet to get any action…I mean…see any action…I mean…

She would have never guessed this was where Chrysalis’s hive was located.

Scarlet [Celestia]: “In retrospect, the massive aura of green magic surrounding it and the faint buzzing you hear whenever you’re nearby should’ve been tip-offs.”

But Sombra had found out, and either by sea or spell, he had smuggled an army to the opposite side of Equestria.

Scarlet: Well I suppose that answers my question: He got there ‘by sea or by spell’, which is the new “narrative convenience”.

Celestia took a few steps forward, daring to reach the crest of the hill she had landed on.

SC276: I double dare you to miss it!

She could see everything from there, and swallowed down the vomit that had tried to rise from her throat.

Scarlet: I’m gonna just say I feel bad that I have to riff some of this part. As much as I hate this story, I mostly hate it because Pen Stroke does this one thing pretty near right and then ruins it.

Crazy56U: ...this is gonna suck, isn’t it?

Dark Angel: Let’s just say that it will probably help you clean your living room floor.

Over a thousand years Equestria had not always been peaceful. At times, they had been forced to show the strength of their armies, preventing wars through the demonstration of might. But this... to call it a battle was only to offer some honor to the dead.

Scarlet: Much like blaming your dice when your character rolls a natural one and exits the fight at the point of their own saber.

Crazy56U: Yep, this is gonna suck...

If Celestia spoke honestly, to herself and to the world, what she saw before her was a massacre.

The faintest movement drew Celestia’s attention from the still and silent horrors.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Squirrel!”

At first she hoped it was some sign of life, of survivors, but there was no such mercy. The living soul amongst the dead was Chrysalis, running at full gallop towards Knight’s Peak.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Awww… no squirrel.”

SC276: please don’t let the orgy be here, please don’t let the orgy be here…

Dark Angel: From how it’s sounding so far, it does seem like they’ll have to repopulate.

A large cavern had been exposed in the cliffside, one that had been previously hidden by a boulder that now lay split in twain.

SC276: Took a lot of effort to push all that cardboard.

Taking to her wings, Celestia followed without hesitation. She kept her eyes upon Knight’s Peak, using it to guide her flight without looking at the carnage that was passing swiftly below her.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Guess I’ll chase Chrysalis instead. Still mad there’s no squirrel.”

Topher: [Random Changeling on the ground] “*cough* Oh my god! It’s Celestia! She’s come to save us! ...And there she goes. Dang it. *herk! BLEH.*”

Crazy56U: With Venom in close pursuit.

The smell of burning goo and bodies were growing more pungent the closer she got to the hive.

SC276: *facepalm* Oh god they’re all dead aren’t they.

Crazy56U: Gee, what part of that sentence tipped you off?

She coughed, her lungs rebelling against the tainted air, but Celestia pressed on until she had landed at the hive’s entrance.

Scarlet: She wiped her brow and spit her rust.

Crazy56U: This is it, the apocalypse. (ducks under table)

Topher: I always thought I would have a hand in the apocalypse, not just spectate it.

There were fewer bodies inside, but the source of the smells became apparent. The interior of the mountain had been a veritable city of changeling goo, and it now lay in ruin.

Scarlet: This is why you zerg rush early.

It looked like burnt marshmallow with small patches of green oozing between the cracks in the blackened surface.

SC276: What sorta marshmallows you been eatin’, lady?

Dark Angel: Maybe they’re mint marshmallows?

The dragons had managed to breach the defenses and get inside.

Scarlet: No shit.

Crazy56U: That obvious, huh?

“Chrysalis?” Celestia shouted into the tunnels, fading into the depths. She then turned her ears forward and listened, hoping to hear even the smallest noise in reply.

Scarlet: [dust speck] “We are here, we are here, we are here!”

SC276: The sour kangaroo’s probably still in denial.

The silence stood to face her, like an unrelenting demon,

SC276: Or a boring fanfic.

for several seconds before she heard something. It was distant, and she wasn’t able to discern precisely what the sound was, but she followed it all the same.

SC276: Someone’s never seen a horror movie.

The princess began running scenarios in her head, trying to ensure she was prepared for anything she might encounter.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “I knew I should’ve meditated earlier to regain my spell slots.”

Topher: Oh really? Everything? What if the Minotaur brought his albino cousin’s rubber chicken?

Dark Angel: So she was prepared to encounter Nightmare Rarity having a tea party with a giant rock while a bunch of Changelings and Griffins are having an orgy around them?

If it was Chrysalis, she could ensure the changeling queen’s safety and then try to get her to return to Canterlot until her army could secure the area. If it was a group of survivors, then she would tend to the wounded and ensure they stayed safe. If it was some lingering crystal dragon, then she’d unleash all the fury she could muster. Though the beasts were powerful, a single one stood no chance against her.

Scarlet: And we haven’t frontally engaged these things because- right, the reason.

SC276: Aaaaaaand if she runs into Sombra? What’s the plan there? Grovel and beg for mercy?

Topher: And what if she slips on a banana? Did she account for THAT?

Dark Angel: Is it just me, or does anyone else have a craving for hummus whenever they hear the name Sombra?

Topher: That’s just you.

Turns and twists led her through the tunnels of the hive. The architecture was unworldly, but despite the damage, Celestia found herself wishing she had been able to see the hive in its glory. Even charred, marred, and melted, the splendor remained.

Scarlet: God damn it, this is another interesting bit. Ruined by being in this story. Pen Stroke!

SC276: KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!

Topher: Seriously, can we get a story with these concepts please? It seems really cool.

Crazy56U: (gag) Oh God, I’m not liking where this is going…

Dark Angel: (hold up a pink bottle) Do you need some Pepto Bismol?

It was a mixture of the winding tunnels of an ant hill, the complex hexagonal structure of a beehive, and an underlying semblance to pony structures. There were doors and windows, benches and lampposts, homes and businesses.

Scarlet: There was also a Pokemon Center and a Gym, but that last one got relocated to the Seafoam Islands.

It had been a hive, but it had also been a sizable city.

SC276: What is this, Onu-Koro?

Topher: I approve of this reference. We’re best friends now.

It had been a home all the fallen changelings outside had fought to defend.

Celestia chased the sound for several minutes, eventually finding herself outside a pair of what had been ornate doors. Now, they looked little more than burnt toast,

SC276: Actually, “toast” is too whole. They were atomized! Smashed to smithereens, stardust, the last run of the grunions! Because an asteroid the size of Montana is headed this way! So there!

but they were her destination all the same. She was very close to the sound she had been chasing, a noise she was now sure originated from Chrysalis.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Crying changelings sound an awful lot like vuvuzelas.”

Had the queen perhaps fled to her throne room, hoping to find some changelings that had holed up in what was likely one of the hive’s most secure rooms? Had she been successful? The noise, at the moment, was still too muffled for Celestia to discern its nature.

Scarlet: Oh come on, I know your Wisdom modifier is higher than that!

SC276: Will you stop describing the stupid sounds and just do something?!

The only way she’d be able to learn more about what lay beyond was if she opened the doors, so Celestia did just that. She applied her magic, pushing on the doors since she saw no visible hinges from the exterior.

Scarlet: Two sentences to open a door. A third to describe it opening. If I didn’t know better I’d assume someone was getting paid by the word.

The righthoof door gave, opening silently despite its singed appearance.

SC276: Girl, unless the fire hit the lock, I doubt that’ll stop it from opening.

Celestia then peeked in, being cautious to ensure she herself wasn’t falling into some trap.

But there was no trap.

Scarlet: Well, I haven’t had time to master crossdressing but I suppose I could work to fix that.

There was only Chrysalis, sitting in the middle of a room that, at first blush, looked like any other burnt and barren room in the hive. But nuances in the architecture began to catch Celestia’s eyes. Large holes in the ground, filled with goo that was still burning and smoldering with subtle green flames.

Scarlet: You know, the sombriety of this scene is ruined a bit every time I read the word “goo”. Just saying.

SC276: It’s like how I imagine Bowser’s throne room has lava pits.

Topher: The goo had to be destroyed. Soon, Sombra’s greatest rival will be dead. THE GAK MUST DIE!

Crazy56U: Please God, don’t say that-

Dark Angel: Well, a fic about Sombra having a battle with his greatest rival, Gak, would probably be a more interesting fic than this. I mean seriously, this fic is like everything in between the interesting parts.

Walls choked with changeling pods, looking like cloudy, black pustules. But the size was all wrong. They were too small for regular ponies or changelings. For a moment, Celestia pondered why they were smaller, and why Chrysalis would be drawn to the room.

Scarlet: Because dead babies. We have dead babies in our shipfic. This story just took a turn for the Lars Von Triers.

SC276: Are you kidding me. That’s like the most unnecessary thing.

Crazy56U: … (pulls out a paper bag)

Topher: I admit, I’m not used to dead babies not being a punchline.

The realization hit hard, like the weight of the world collapsing on her, and Celestia couldn't stop the gasp that escaped her throat.

Crazy56U: (opens paper bag)

It was a nursery. In that way the changelings were very similar to ants or bees. Though she was not bound to her duty one hundred percent of the time, Chrysalis was the biological mother of the hive.

Scarlet: Um. Wow. Okay when Ender’s Game did this, the queen was a telepathic hub who controlled the shell-bodies of her drones autonomously and was the only real “personality”. Here, Chryssy’s an active sort who apparently spends quite a bit of time not birthing children. I… sorry. This worldbuilding bugs me.

SC276: Heh. “Bugs” you. ...Yeah, I don’t have a better joke here.

Crazy56U: (pukes into paper bag)

Topher: (pokes a hole in the bag)

Crazy56U: (dumps bag onto Topher’s head)

And like a mother, not like a queen, when she saw the devastation she had rushed in to search for the youngest of her subjects, some of which may not have even been born.

Scarlet: A queen would’ve had no concern for dead children, after all.

Crazy56U: (wipes mouth) ...what the fuck, Pen Stroke…

Celestia felt a wave of guilt wash over her.

SC276: Nah, that’s just the rushing wave of “stopped caring two scenes ago.”

This was a place in which she did not belong. This was a place she was not supposed to be. To be looking in at this moment was an intrusion.

SC276: We get it, Lady Redundant Woman.

Lord Shaxx: I get it!

Crazy56U: So, does that mean we can end the scene now? Please?

Dark Angel: Of course not. We still have fifty-seven more paragraphs describing how Chrysalis would pick up the hanky to blow her nose in.

She took a step back, intending to close the door and to simply wait for Chrysalis at the hive’s entrance.

Scarlet: Wait, what? We can’t have that, it would require a tasteful fade to black and some sombriety to match the mood of this terrible tragedy. Quick, activate the forced melodrama!

SC276: Aye, captain! *pulls a lever*

Topher: BATTLE STATIONS! (jumps through a hatch in the floor)

Crazy56U: (straps a pillow to the table) There. (ducks under the table)

Dark Angel: (looks around at the insanity) Seriously, what’s the deal? SC just turned on a light switch.

Chrysalis, however, had already noticed her presence.

With a hiss and a snarl, Chrysalis turned and launched a beam of magic at the doors. Celestia teleported herself, appearing at the far end of the conjoining corridor just in time to see the two doors fly off their hinges.

Scarlet: MORTAL KOMBAT!

Crazy56U: SUPER SMASH BROTHERS!

Chrysalis stepped out a moment later, growling and snarling like a rabid wolf with a thirst for blood in her eyes. She turned to look at Celestia, her accusing glare laying every guilt and sin at Celestia’s hooves.

Scarlet: Princess Celestia did Columbine! And 9/11! And stole my dessert!

SC276: And wrote this fic?

Crazy56U: Now, now, let’s not get crazy here…

Topher: GOLDEN OAKS LIBRARY WAS AN INSIDE JOB!

Crazy56U: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT GETTING CRAZY?!

Topher: SINCE WHEN DID I FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CONTROL ME? ARE YOU ONE OF THEM?

Crazy56U: LOUD NOISES!

“It’s your fault!”

Scarlet: ~But it isn’t my fault, I was given those beans/you persuaded me to trade away my cow for beans/and without those beans there would have been no stalk to get up to the giants in the first place!~

Crazy56U: Chrysalis, I really doubt this is something Celestia would do. Most people like portraying her as a jerk, yes, but she isn’t a fucking monster...

~~~

Celestia soared from the open tunnel of the hive, shooting through the air like a dart before banking hard.

SC276: Was this scene break really necessary, given this is basically the same scene?

Crazy56U: Hey now, we need a chase scene for… some reason, so we’re having a chase scene… for some reason...

She turned herself all the way around, slowed her forward momentum, and eventually skidded to a stop on the dirt of the battle-stained plain.

Scarlet [Celestia]: “Don’t do it, Chrysalis! I have the high ground!”

Crazy56U: I’m half-tempted to reference “Risky Business” here...

She looked back to the hive, coat dirty and a few feathers out of place on her wings. Chrysalis was not at the strength she had been at the wedding, but she was fighting like an uncaged beast.

SC276: *Chain Chomp barking*

Scarlet: So incoherent rage doesn’t power you up past your previous limits? Anime lied to me.

Topher: That would explain the funny looks I got in school when I would just stand there and scream angrily during a fight.

Crazy56U: Dragon Ball Z has been scamming us all these years…

Dark Angel: …And I thought I had no life…

Still, Celestia had maintained control of the fight. She had been hit only a few times, and so far she had not needed to attack Chrysalis back.

Scarlet: All she needed to do was timestall until the judge could call the match.

It was a queen’s rage, a mother’s rage. She couldn’t blame Chrysalis for lashing out.

SC276: We can, however, blame the author for writing this.

Crazy56U: Yes we can.

Dark Angel: Isn’t that what we always do though?

The queen appeared from the entrance to the hive. She looked exhausted, magically and mentally fatigued to the point she was little more than a walking zombie.

Scarlet: Ah, so the state I’m in whenever we finish a riff.

SC276: Actually, I already feel pretty close to that right now.

Dark Angel: Don’t we already have enough zombie stuff in the media?

Still, by force of will and rage, she was keeping herself on her hooves. Her horn popped and fizzled, trying to gather enough magic for another blast but failing.

SC276: You’re telling me we finally got a battle scene and you skipped over it all? Are you kidding me?

Crazy56U: And why didn’t we skip over that grotesque scene back at the hive?!

Dark Angel: As I said earlier. This fic is everything in between the interesting stuff.

Still, she continued to march towards Celestia, baring her fangs with a low hiss.

SC276: Topher’s gonna be mad, but SSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Topher: (eyes glaze over) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH! NO! GET BACK! I JUST BUILT THIS! (snaps back to reality) You forgot the “bang.” (shoots SC in the head)

Crazy56U: (grabs gun away from Topher) You’ll get this back when you learn to

behave...

Topher: I’ll show you! HUTTAH! (attempts to snap Crazy’s neck, but only succeeds in shaking his head back and forth.)

Crazy56U: You know, this is just further proving my point……

Dark Angel: I just gotta do it. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS…BANG!!!

Topher: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! NO! NOT MY NEW DOG KENNEL! (Snaps Back to reality) Oh, you’re going to pay for that you sunofva- (Pulls out a lead pipe and starts beating angel with it)

Dark Angel: This would hurk more if ik wasm’k for the fack that this fic is already eaking away ak my braim.

She walked right up to Celestia, cursing and mumbling under her breath as she began to use her horn as a weapon.

Scarlet: I’m so glad we skipped the entire fight scene instead of the explanation for Liquid Love. It’s going to be so important later.

Crazy56U: Aim for the jugular!

With twists and turns of her head, she jabbed at Celestia with her jagged horn. The movements were slow and sloppy. Celestia found no difficulty predicting where the horn would go next.

Crazy56U: That unfortunately proved to be false when she slipped up and let Chrysalis jab her eye out.

Dark Angel: [Celestia] “Oh my god, I shot my eye out!”

Chrysalis tried to raise her forehooves to grab Celestia and hold her still, but the sun princess just pulled away.

Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “I keep rolling low! These dice are bogus!”

SC276: Freakin’ fatigue penalties!

With the failure of her grapple, Chrysalis collapsed to the ground. Her chest smacked against the dirt, eliciting a cough and a gasp from the queen. Then she lay still, as if wishing to be just another corpse on the battle-scarred landscape.

SC276: Again, pretty close to that already.

Her breathing was the only thing that told Celestia she was still alive, and it was erratic. Deep breaths followed by stuttering short exhales.

Scarlet: You may in fact think this scene is on some level touching and sad. I respond by saying that the very next scene to follow will make us all hurt.

SC276: Well I know how it’s sad alright…

Dark Angel: Of course it’s sad. It’s in this fic.

The rage was gone now, leaving only sorrow behind.

Celestia could only stand and watch as the queen cried, letting the dirt muffle her voice and absorb her tears.

SC276: This is reminding me of when Lilo faceplanted herself and mumbled into the ground. And now I’d rather be watching the anime than reading this.

Crazy56U: Don’t even joke about that...

Celestia had consoled many over the years. She had known friends who lost parents, friends who had lost children, and other friends who had lost true loves.

SC276: How about riffers that lost all sense of purpose in their lives?

Crazy56U: (sniff) (sniff) Damn allergies…

Dark Angel: What’s this about having a porpuss in our lives?

Some bore the true misfortune of suffering all three pains of loss, but how did she console this?

Scarlet: I’m sure the closest thing to an immortal Equestria has ever seen wouldn’t know the pain of losing children.

Would any words ease her pain if Canterlot were to fall in such a manner, or would any attempt at comfort only make things worse?

Scarlet: Good question. What happened back when Discord was ruling the world, again?

SC276: A better plot than this.

Dark Angel: Then again, hocking a loogie and spitting it on paper would be writing a better plot than this.

But why?

Crazy56U: Pen Stroke. That’s why.

Her mind began to spin to try and find some reason for the massacre. Sombra surely didn’t hold such a grudge against Chrysalis. Did he attack the changelings because they allied themselves with Equestria?

SC276: But then why did he attack them the first time?

Scarlet: [Sombra] “Damn it, you fool dragons! I told you to burn down Ponyville! It doesn’t even look like that mountain!”

Dark Angel: [Dragon] “Well, it was in a mountain, so we thought it was Canterlot.”

SC276: Hey guys? Olympus is that way.

She wouldn’t put it past the corrupted king to lash out at any and all that would aid the ponies he was trying to conquer. Did he attack here simply because it was an exposed target? How did he even locate the hive?

Scarlet: Good questions. Let’s not answer any of them!

Could this have been avoided if Chrysalis had shared the hive’s location?

Scarlet: YES.

Crazy56U: But then again, we needed drama.

Celestia tried to think what she would have done in the past if she had known the hive was isolated so far south. At the very least, if they had known, the guards at the nearby watchtower might have seen the smoke and been able to report the attack occurring magically. Maybe then they could have arrived in time to hold the line, to at least, perhaps, save the youngest lives that had been lost.

Scarlet: Also, Celestia? I hate to point this out but Sombra just surrounded your damn country, seeing as he’s got a force at both the northern and southern borders of Equestria now. Has everyone else forgotten previously-established geography?

SC276: Will she quit with the what ifs already? I’ve already done the Willy Wonka spinach beard gag twice!

The princess had to catch herself. She knew such thoughts were pointless.

Dark Angel: Then why’d we have to listen to them?

There was no changing the past. She had battered herself with enough what-ifs when she had been forced to banish Luna. At the moment, her priority had to be getting Chrysalis back to Canterlot.

Scarlet: Which is why she hasn’t grabbed onto her and teleported yet.

“We can’t stay here,” she tried to whisper with the gentlest tone she could manage.

Scarlet: ~I know who I want to take me home!~

Chrysalis rolled her head to the side, to free her mouth from the dirt, but she did not look at Celestia. She just stared into the distance, looking at the battlefield from the perspective of one of its victims. “Why bother? The hive is dead. I have failed as a queen.”

Scarlet: I’d argue against this but, yeah. She kinda did. Though only because the plot gave her an idiot ball.

SC276: I still find it hard to believe Sombra managed to peg every changeling here. They’re crafty little bastards.

“What about the changelings in the north?”

“A thirtieth of the hive, at best, and I cannot take them from their post. That would break our little treaty.” She turned her head a little in the dirt, then spat on Celestia’s shoe. “This would not have happened if I had not agreed to help you.”

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Or if you’d actually taken military assistance the way I offered to give you?”

[Chrysalis] “Look, the only reason I’m here is for the love-booze!”

Crazy56U: No… No, I’m pretty sure this would’ve still happened regardless...

“Maybe not,” Celestia admitted. She took a seat, and made no effort to clean the green changeling spit from her right hoof shoe. “But I doubt Sombra would stop if he was able to conquer Equestria. Eventually, he would have come knocking at your door, bringing an even larger army than what attacked today.”

Scarlet: And bearing a bouquet of roses and a bottle of red raspberry dove wine cocktail water.

Crazy56U: Told ya.

“Then at least I’d have my pride. If the old queen could see this... or my sister queens. All of them are turning in the grave.”

“I did not know you had sisters.”

Scarlet: Hey remember when the priority was getting back to Canterlot? Fuck it, halt scene! Worldbuilding!

SC276: Again, worldbuilding only works if we care!

Dark Angel: Well, it’s worldbuilding of everything in between the interesting stuff. After all, that’s what this fic is. Everything in between the interesting stuff.

“It is not a fact I like to advertise,” Chrysalis said, letting her tongue lash out at Celestia since her body could no longer manage it. “We are a hive. We are unified under a single queen, but I am not the first queen of the Newland Hive, of the hive that followed the ponies to this new land.

Scarlet [Celestia]: “It’s worse than we thought. She’s bleeding background information everywhere!”

How could we resist when you founded this happy-dappy little country of love and tolerance? You were laying out a buffet.”

Scarlet: Um. But Celestia didn’t… fuck it. It’s all wrong.

SC276: I swear there’s like a poem or something focused around the phrase.

Chrysalis struggled, trying to raise herself off the dirt. She managed to get into a sitting position, facing partially away from Celestia as she surveyed the battlefield from her new perspective. “But the windigoes were not kind to the hive. A changeling queen is just as immortal as you. A queen only dies by injury, illness, or by her own choosing.

Scarlet: No, Chrysalis. Lay on the exposition harder. This fits so well with the mood of loss and grief the previous scenes were trying to set.

Dark Angel: And I’m pretty sure that does not define immortality. It just means that you can’t die of old age. The same can be said about jellyfish.

Age is never a changeling queen’s reaper. Yet sickness was the reaper of the old queen. She caught an illness in the windigoes’ blizzards before the hive could get further south. She lived just long enough to birth her successors, a royal clutch of twelve.

Scarlet: A competent author might have made this a flashback scene. Maybe a memory stirring in Chrysalis’s mind as she lies sick and exhausted in Canterlot, recovering from the loss of her people. Pen Stroke just has her blathering on. This thing had three editors!

SC276: “WE DON’T CARE! WE DON’T CARE! WE DON’T CARE!”

Dark Angel: I’d like to see what Chrysalis is talking about as it’s own fanfic. Seriously, it could be it’s own fanfic. SOMEBODY WRITE THIS AS FANFIC!

“Yes, I had eleven sisters, but there can only be one queen, Celestia.

SC276: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Crazy56U: Eh, better than Highlander II...

We changelings are not as touchy-feely as you ponies. I imagine that’s enough for you to figure out just what happened to my sisters.” Chrysalis turned her head, glaring down Celestia once more. “I didn’t have the luxury of banishing them to the moon to secure peace for my hive.”

Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “Oh yes, I know the whole Nightmare Moon myth better than most ponies even though nobody knew Luna was your sister until she had been saved.”

Celestia wetted her lips, trying to find some words to say, but what could she say to that? Thankfully, Chrysalis seemed entirely uninterested. The queen stood, some of the strength returning to her legs as she stomped at the dirt and looked across her fallen warriors and drones.

Scarlet: Yet another game of Starcraft, ruined.

“I bet none of them would have let this happen. I bet any of them would have prevented this. They were bigger. They were stronger. The only reason I managed to seize the crown was because I was smarter. Well, I’m sure not the smart one now.”

Scarlet: Once again. No Shit.

Chrysalis’s rage was devolving back into sorrow. Though she kicked and stomped at the dirt, the tears she had previously hidden now flowed freely on her face for Celestia to see. “The hive is dead. My hive is dead, and they died while I was sipping love with your fat ass.

Crazy56U: Well, at least she doesn’t have a Hank Hill badonkadonk… No, she’s… a fat

bottom girl. (cheeky grin)

Lord Shaxx: She’s my main squeeze!

That’s right, I called you a fat ass.”

Crazy56U: And she makes the rocking world go round.

Scarlet: ...I love you.

Crazy56U: Well, it was either “Fat Bottom Girls” or “Baby Got Back”. I took the high road.

Chrysalis’s legs lost their strength again, her flank plopping to the ground. She was now facing Knight’s Peak, staring up at the towering, equine rock formation.

“I wish I had died with them.”

Scarlet: I wish I could just gilligan cut from this to the next scene. Though the whiplash might be fatal.

SC276: I wish the fic had died with them.

Crazy56U: I wish this whole plot development never happened...

No further words escaped Chrysalis’s mouth. She sat in silence, letting the natural world fill the void where her words had been. Celestia watched and waited, trying to find words of her own. Finally, her mind began to grasp something, and though she was not sure how the kind act would be received, she began to approach Chrysalis all the same.

Scarlet [Celestia]: “Coochie, coochie, coo! Who’s a ticklish Changeling?”

Dark Angel: [Chrysalis] “Uh…Celestia…Why are you tickling that dead Changeling corpse?”

If Chrysalis heard her coming, she didn’t seem to care. She just remained seated, staring at broken remnants of her hive. The gap between them was only a dozen steps at best, but to Celestia, closing that distance felt like walking a mile.

Scarlet: And to me, finishing this scene is like waiting in line for a Root Canal.

SC276: Or waiting during an instructor’s office hours for him to get around to you…

Dark Angel: Or waiting at the DMV.

Eventually, she took a seat next to Chrysalis and, with slow caution, she draped a feathery wing across Chrysalis’s back.

Scarlet: ~Consider yourself, our mate! We don’t wanna have no fuss!~

The touch of feathers made the changeling queen go stiff.

SC276: No touchie!

She turned and glared at Celestia, a hailstorm of rage building in her throat. “Don’t lie to yourself. You don’t care. You’re probably happy to see this. One less threat to your precious ponies. Get your wing off me. Get your wing off of me!”

Scarlet: This would be so much more heart-wrenching if I wasn’t imagining Chrysalis whining like a five year old. Sometimes the dialogue in this fic.

Chrysalis tried to shrug the wing off her shoulders, but Celestia did not relent. She, in fact, tightened the embrace, as if trying to shield Chrysalis from the horrors that surrounded them. “I am never happy to see a mother lose her children,” Celestia said, her voice firm but kind. “I truly wish we could have prevented this, and you will need time to mourn. But do not wish for death.

Scarlet [Celestia]: “Seriously, the last thing I need is another Tantabus incident. Luna’s still in therapy.”

There are still changelings who need you. There is still a hive as long as you are alive and are willing to lead it. You can rebuild.

SC276: [Celestia] “Repopulation won’t be a problem; you’ve still got it, girl.” Also, they have the technology.

Equestria will help you rebuild. With Cadance’s invention, a lasting peace is possible between our two races, and together we can work toward a brighter future for both our kinds.

“Mourn the loss, weep for your children, but do not give up.”

Scarlet: Eh, I’m giving this bit a pass. This whole sequence really isn’t that terrible.

Dark Angel: Perhaps. But if you drop a diamond into a pile of shit, you still have a pile of shit.

Chrysalis cursed under her breath, trying to resist but failing. Her body began to collapse into the comfort of Celestia’s wing, and she weeped into the princess’s shoulder. And Celestia let her. She sat and comforted Chrysalis for as long as she had tears to cry. And when they were gone, when she had cried herself out, they began a slow flight back to Canterlot.

Scarlet: They were promptly intercepted by the dragon army which had decimated Chrysalis’s hive.

Much needed to be done. Chrysalis would need a place to build a new hive, someplace within Equestria’s borders where it could be protected. Celestia would need to commission a memorial, and send ponies to tend to the dead.

Scarlet: Um. Dragon army. It’s still out there. Defenses of Canterlot?

She did not know if changelings had burial rites, but she’d ask one of the drones in the north. They would need to be informed as well of what had occurred. They would likely want to rush to Chrysalis’s side, but doing that would leave the empire unprotected.

Scarlet: It has a shield up! They’d be fine! Also, there is an army potentially on its way to Canterlot!

Perhaps Cadance and Shining could be convinced to let Chrysalis stay with them for a time. Surely they could bury the hatchet considering the circumstances.

Scarlet: ...so many pre-readers. So few people who caught this. And the worst is yet to come.

SC276: You stock up the ammo. I’ll start building turrets. This is going to be the best tower defense game ever.

Crazy56U: I have a shotgun, that any good?

Dark Angel: Will F-bombs work?

~~~

Crazy56U: Thank fuck that’s over...

The gentle tapping on the door made Chrysalis sit up from bed. The days had streamed together since the hive’s fall.

SC276: Meanwhile, Twilight and her friends managed to intercept the enemy platoon and take them all out. As if there was every any doubt because friendship.

Celestia had brought her to the Crystal Empire, and there she had stayed to recover.

Scarlet: Yes, brilliant plan. I’m sure being around Cadance and Shining Armor all the time will be fantastic for her.

SC276: Especially considering they had to transport her, physically and mentally exhausted, across the entire country to do so. This is like with that fic and people running from the northernmost to southernmost points of a giant kingdom in a few hours!

Her few remaining changelings came to mourn with and console their queen. Cadance and Shining enlisted the aid of a psychologist to help her through the grieving process. The gestures were all made with the best of intentions, but the thing she wanted most was solitude.

Scarlet: Which makes perfect sense given the earlier worldbuilding which established that changelings have insect traits and live in hives and what.

Her changelings respected that. Cadance, Shining, and Dr. Five Steps

SC276: Thank god I can’t find any evidence from initial Google searches that this is a canon character.

Crazy56U: Cousin of Three Steps.

Scarlet: Have I ever told you that you have fantastic taste in music?

Crazy56U: (grins)

didn’t seem to know how to take a hint. The tapping came again, and Chrysalis’s brow furrowed at little.

Scarlet: ...there’s a therapist in this story. Goodie.

Dark Angel: Well considering this story, god knows how many ponies needed therapy.

Crazy56U: Whelp, I’m sitting out of this bit. (pulls out 3DS; starts up Smash)

“Doctor, if you’ve come with more ink blots, I’ll shove them down your throat.”

The door cracked open, and a familiar yet unexpected voice flitted into the space. “I imagine that would be difficult for him to do since you threw him, and all his supplies, in a fountain yesterday.”

Scarlet: ha ha ha aren’t medical professionals so out of touch with real human emotions ha ha ha ha ha.

Chrysalis rolled her eyes and lay down in bed, turning her back on her uninvited guest. “What, did Cadance tattle on me and ask the high and mighty sun princess to come straighten me out?”

“No, I had been planning to come visit for a few days now. It was only after I arrived that I heard about yesterday.” Celestia circled around to the far side of the bed, putting herself in Chrysalis’s field of vision.

SC276: What is with this story being terrible at telling us who or what something is at the beginning of the scene?

The queen just grumbled and flopped over on the bed, once more facing her back to the princess.

Scarlet: Moooom! You just don’t get it!

“Cadance tells me you’ve been leaving the room on your own the past few days though.”

“To escape the quack,” Chrysalis said, still refusing to look at Celestia. “He’s almost as dense as you are. No, I don’t want to talk about how I feel. No, I don’t want to participate in hypnotherapy. No, I do not want to go outside for a meditation walk. No, I don’t want to sing a song about my childhood. No, Dr. Five Steps, I don’t need a psycho-babbling nanny.”

Scarlet: ha ha ha ha ha ha these are all totally real things that psychologists do for grieving patients ha ha ha. Ha. HA.

SC276: Oh my god, this just keeps getting harder to read...

She finished her tirade, and for a few moments the room was all but silent. Then she heard, a subtle snickering. She sat up in the bed and glared down Celestia, who was trying to cover her mouth and mask her giggles.

Scarlet: Untold thousands are dead.

SC276: How has she kept charge again?

Topher: But the good news is we’re going to Dairy Queen!

The fact the sun princess was trying to hide her bemusement irritated Chrysalis even more, making her snarl and bare her fangs. “What’s so funny?”

SC276: [Celestia] “I just peed in their soup!”

“I’m sorry. I am just happy to see you’ve regained some of your fire,” Celestia said, managing to contain her laughter but not her smile. “It actually makes what I’m about to say easier. I believe it is time you begin rebuilding your hive.”

Scarlet: [Celestia] “In other words, I’m telling you to get knocked up already!”

Dark Angel: Basically this will require a Changeling orgy.

Chrysalis's frown lost its fierceness, and her eyes drifted from Celestia and became distant. In her mind's eye, she could still see that battlefield. She could still see Knight’s Peak.

SC276: But can she see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

“I... don’t think I’m ready to go back there.”

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Seriously, it’s filled with changeling corpses and ‘goo’. I’m not even sure if we were the source of that!”

“I am not suggesting we rebuild where the old hive was,” Celestia said. She got a step closer to the bed, and extended a forehoof to the queen’s shoulder. “My ponies and I have been working on a little something in Canterlot the past several weeks. Why don’t you come back to the capital with me, and I can show you?”

Scarlet: [Celestia] “We call it the day-care center. Because it’s where breeding happens.”

Chrysalis glanced to her side, looking at Celestia in the periphery of her vision. “Only if the psycho-babbling nanny stays here.”

SC276: [Celestia] “I’ll put him on the front lines.”

[Chrysalis] “Deal.”

Crazy56U: (looks up) Is it over? Good. (puts away 3DS)

~~~

The royal chariot landed in Canterlot, and Chrysalis arched an eyebrow in reaction to where they had come to a stop. They did not arrive at the castle. Instead, the chariot had come to a stop a few blocks away from the castle’s main gate, in a building that looked to be under repair and renovation.

Scarlet: At this very moment, Britannia burns. Seriously, what the hell happened to those dragons?

SC276: Obviously, all this mucking about with the changeling queen has caused Celestia to neglect checking her mail for Twilight’s victory letter.

Crazy56U: They’re on lunch break, obviously.

Dark Angel: Yes, a six month lunch break.

“What a dump,” Chrysalis said as she looked over the building.

SC276: [Chrysalis] “Nobody lives like this except college kids!”

Topher: This is getting a little too personal.

Crazy56U: Yeeeeep.

SC276: Blame Miramax.

It was a story shorter than any building around it, and looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in decades.

SC276: And now I’m reminded of that Disney short about the sentient house.

Crazy56U: ...“Get a Horse”?

SC276: No, it involved a house on a hill way out in the country, hold on, I’ll just Google it… Ah, “The Little House.”

The stone comprising it’s walls were a rough, dirty gray. The whole building stood in stark contrast to the clean, smoothly hewn white stone of the neighboring structures. “Let me guess, it’s some national landmark.”

Scarlet [Celestia]: “...er, that’s actually a dump. The landmark is behind it.”

“In a manner of speaking,” Celestia said as she dismounted the chariot and then stepped to the side to allow Chrysalis to do the same. “It’s one of the oldest buildings in Canterlot, the first griffin embassy.

SC276: Every time gryphons show up in these fics, I regret that there are multiple ways to spell it and they’re all correct.

You can tell by the architecture that the Griffin Empire was in the middle of a strong gothic period.

Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “I wondered why it was covered in black leather.”

It used to have some very lovely griffin gargoyles, but when the embassy moved to a new building the statues were sent back to the empire to be museum pieces.”

“So why didn’t you tear it down when the griffins moved out?”

Scarlet [Celestia]: “Conservation of emo. It can neither be created nor destroyed.”

“Because of a nasty little oversight in the original treaty the griffins saw fit to exploit,” Celestia said. “The treaty said ponies could not take griffin land, and it established the land the embassy was built on as sovereign territory of the Griffin Empire. Even after they abandoned the building, the griffins saw fit to maintain their claim to the land. For a few hundred years, it was illegal for anypony to go into that building without a passport.”

Scarlet: The griffins did this because.

SC276: Gheeze, even outside The Catch, gryphons are jerks.

Topher: To be fair, in canon griffons are jerks.

“You let them get away with that?” Chrysalis asked, craning her neck to try and see some hint of a joking expression on Celestia’s face. The sun princess was smiling, but it was not because the story was a joke.

Scarlet: No, Pen Stroke, I couldn’t figure that out on my own. Thank you for telling me.

Crazy56U: ...why would she joke about that?

Dark Angel: How would anyone tell the difference? This entire fic is a joke.

It was the smile of someone looking back on a previously annoying situation and seeing humor in hindsight.

Scarlet: Thank you sir, may I have another?

SC276: Um… Chateau la Broange, 1995?

Celestia opened the door to the embassy, stepping in and navigating her way through the restoration process. “I knew eventually the griffins would want something, and I’d be able to use this place as leverage in the negotiations. Still, by the time we were able to get the land back, the building was old enough to be declared a historic landmark. Thus, Equestria has been paying to keep it from falling down for the past two hundred years.”

Scarlet: That… isn’t how historical landmarks work. “This cottage is two-hundred years old! It’s now historically significant and cannot be torn down even if it is in disrepair!”

Dark Angel: Actually, there’s a wall near where I live that’s considered a historical landmark. It’s falling apart. But now it’s being put back together.

“And this matters to me because...?” Chrysalis asked as she followed Celestia further into the building.

“Because of its very unique location,” Celestia opened another door, leading Chrysalis down a long set of stairs.

Scarlet [Celestia]: “I hid my secret supply of raspberry jam underneath it!”

SC276: [Chrysalis] “I don’t think you were paying attention during scene 2...”

It was a part of the building that looked like it had already been restored. There were no lights at the bottom, but Celestia lit her horn as the pair descended deeper. The warm, yellow light revealed a tall pair of wooden doors, the kind you’d expect to see protecting the exterior gate of a castle.

Scarlet: And behind them was the boss room.

SC276: I literally cannot think of any other reasons doors that big would be underground.

Dark Angel: How about King Kong?

Topher: The save point and huge pile of ammo was also a clue.

Celestia came to a stop right in front of the massive door, a playful smile on her lips as she began to open them with her magic. “I believe you are familiar with the crystal caverns below Canterlot.”

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “So you’re telling me that all I needed to do in order to get my city under Canterlot was ask?”

[Celestia] “Yup.”

[Chrysalis] “Eh. ‘This Day Aria’ was still worth it.”

The doors swung inward, revealing a stone corridor glistening with natural gems.

Scarlet: As opposed to a cavern glistening with zirconium and cheap knock-offs.

SC276: ~I killed your goldfish accidently, just replaced it with another one...~

The cavern walls and ceiling were still natural, rough and unshaped, but the ground had been smoothed, leveled, and covered with stone tiles. Chrysalis and Celestia’s hooves clicked and clacked against the stone,

Scarlet: Fortunately, they reserved clopping for the X-rated sequel.

Topher: I can only imagine what sex with a changeling is like, not just because of the roleplay possibilities, but also because there are way more holes!

the sounds echoing into the depths of the tunnel beyond the light of Celestia’s horn.

SC276: Are we getting to the orgy yet? Why hasn’t that liquid love been splashed on someone yet?

Crazy56U: Is this going to lead to another scene of mass murder and death, because I’m getting that kind of vibe from this...

“You may recall that Twilight visited only a few days after I sent you to the Crystal Empire to recover from the loss of your hive,” Celestia said. “She visited you, to ensure you were eating and getting proper rest,

Scarlet [Celestia]: “I’m telling you all this because I assume you’ve forgotten everything that happened in the past five days. By the way, everyone you’ve ever loved is dead.”

SC276: That’s what happens when you don’t put stuff in the actual narrative.

but I also had her speak to your surviving drones and warriors. We asked them what basic necessities a hive would need to function, architecturally speaking. They were more than happy to answer, and with that information I decided it was high time to give this old building a new purpose.”

Scarlet: Then the building transforms into a giant robot, and I fly away from the story in it!

SC276: What happened to that Mobile Fortress mecha? Y’know, the one whose weapons were fueled by my pure hatred?

Scarlet: I’ve still got it, but I’m reserving my next use for Mykan.

Dark Angel: (shudders)

Celestia came to a stop at a four-way intersection, and motioned in each direction as she spoke. “The above-ground building to the west is being retrofitted to become an entrance for the new hive. To the north are a half-dozen large chambers that you can renovate to suit your needs. To the south are a set of smaller, interlocking chambers that would be suitable for your private quarters.

Scarlet: And to the west side we have the original members of NWA recording “Straight Outta Compton.”

SC276: *does the West Side Story finger-snapping thing*

Your changelings told us that you used to have quite the manor in the old hive.

SC276: But terrible manor outside of it.

“Finally, to the east are the winding tunnels and massive caverns of the old crystal mines.” Celestia called on her magic, strengthening the beam of light coming from her horn to push back the darkness shrouding the longer tunnel.

Scarlet: Apparently you can cast Magic Missile at the darkness.

“You can’t expand into that area just yet. Some of the deeds and subterranean mining claims are still being sorted out. It’s amazing how tightly some ponies will cling to something they’ve never used or seen once they find out somepony else wants it.”

Scarlet: This entire fic needs a Monty Python “Get On With It!” clip.

SC276: Just the clip? More like the entire extended routine.

Topher: Better plan, let’s just stop reading and watch the whole movie.

“Wait, you’re serious about all this?” Chrysalis asked, waving one of her forelegs around the air as if trying to motion to everything she had been just shown. “You're going to let me rebuild my hive below Canterlot, right below your precious pony hooves?”

“Yes,” Celestia answered plainly.

Scarlet [Celestia]: “Although we will reserve the right to collapse the tunnels at any time in case of a rebellion.”

“What’s the catch?”

Topher: We riffed it last week, and you DON’T want to know.

Crazy56U: I’ll take your word for it...

“There is no catch, Queen Chrysalis,” Celestia said, her words wrapped in warm, comforting tones. “This isn’t a trick, or a trap, or some secret plot.

SC276: [Chrysalis] “You said it, not me.”

By the magical treaty we share, I couldn’t deceive you if I wanted to. I want changelings and ponies to be able to live in peace. It’s only by working together we’ve been able to hold off Sombra’s assault in the north.

Scarlet: By the way, a dragon army attacked from your southern border and what the hell happened to that?

SC276: Yeah, by now, Twilight should’ve told Celestia directly. That platoon took a left turn into narrative limbo.

Crazy56U: Or the dragons have the same power Godzilla had in that godawful 1998 movie and are able to just vanish on cue...

You are an ally, and after these few months, I’d like to also say you’ve become a friend. And when a friend suffers a terrible loss, it's important to help her mourn and recover. That is why I’m giving this place to you.”

Scarlet: [Celestia] “That and if I hand it over, I can stop pumping tax dollars into it.”

“Laying it on a little thick, aren’t ya?” Chrysalis said, stepping away from and turning her back on Celestia. “I do suppose I’ve seen worse places to build a hive. There’s a lot of space to expand. Could probably get a lot of bits for some of these gems. The neighbors are a bit annoying, though. There’s this one fat ass that lives nearby.

Crazy56U: Ohh, she’s gonna take you home tonight if you keep this up, Chrysalis. Right beside that red fire light.

Scarlet: But is Celly gonna let it all hang out?

Crazy56U: ...oh god, my brain just conjured a very bad image… (collapses to the

ground)

Topher: Crazy, If you’re alive say something. Otherwise I’m going to dispose of the corpse. (waits 30 seconds) Good enough for me! (douses Crazy in gasoline and sets the carcass on fire)

Crazy56U: (on fire) whyyyyyyyyyyyy

She’s an over-protective, goody-four-hooves, know-it-all, but she isn’t the most annoying creature I’ve ever built a hive near.”

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “That title goes to that one blue-furred mare who referred to herself in the third person, constantly.”

Chrysalis glanced over her shoulder at Celestia, looking to the princess through the strands of her mane. “You know some of your ponies aren’t going to be too happy about this.”

“You let me worry about them.”

Scarlet: [Celestia] “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

[Chrysalis] “Ooooh, not bad. But you have to focus more on your diaphragm!”

Chrysalis nodded, and then began to smile as she turned her attention back to the cavern. “Well, if you don’t have any other options, I can make do.

SC276: I mean, short of actually leaving Equestria, we’ve established it doesn’t cover the whole continent, right?

I’ll need to pull a few of my changelings off the front line to help get things going here, but it shouldn’t take too long. Do you think we could put some of those love collectors of Cadance’s up around the capitol?”

Scarlet: Dragon army probably ate them all already. Millions are dead.

Dark Angel: Except for the griffins. They were too bitter.

Celestia stepped up beside Chrysalis, giving a knowing smile. “I’ve already asked Cadance to create a few for us to make use of.”

“Well, didn’t you think of every little thing?”

“I do try my best.”

Scarlet: Aaaand there you go. The closest thing to intentional flirting that’s happened so far. We’re more than two-thirds through a shipfic that ends in a relationship.

SC276: OR-GY! OR-GY! OR-GY!

Topher: Are you seriously demanding a sex scene in this fic?

SC276: We all know it’s gonna happen. Might as well do it now.

Chrysalis gave a single, barking laugh before turning and heading into the south corridor. “Well, don’t get too full of yourself. All I’ve seen is this entrance tunnel. If you’re going to really sell me on this little piece of real estate, I need to see the rest of the rooms. Also, I do hope you remembered the indoor plumbing. I’m not about to found a hive someplace where I can’t have a half-decent bathroom.”

SC276: Smart thinkin’, sister. Can’t argue with wanting a functional toilet.

Scarlet: What, we didn’t build that out of “goo”?

Topher: No, the goo goes in the toilet, the toilet is not the goo! What? Where did you think it came from? They’re insects, not spiders.

~~~

Celestia wore a stupid grin, as if every faculty of her normally deep and thoughtful mind had up and vanished.

SC276: That happened to us like two scenes ago.

Crazy56U: What, is she tripping balls or something?

She lay on a couch, sprawled out while she rubbed her face against the silken cushions like a dog trying to settle into a bed. “I lllllooooovvvvveeee this couch.”

Scarlet: Oh fuck me. This scene.

Crazy56U: ...okay, I was wrong; she’s clearly drunk.

Dark Angel: Or maybe she tried some of Cadance’s liquid love.

Chrysalis pulled the door shut she had cracked open just moments before, then looked to her left. Twilight Sparkle was standing there with a toothy, embarrassed, and partially pleading smile.

Scarlet: This scene.

Chrysalis herself was smiling a little, drinking up the situation. “So, tell me again how this happened?”

Scarlet: The liquid love was all leading up. To. This. Scene. And it happens after all the children are dead. It’s like someone replaced the last reel or so of The Hurt Locker with something from the middle of French Kiss.

SC276: So, we could remove the entire changeling hive getting decimated and this probably wouldn’t be changed at all? Also, are we finally getting the orgy?!

Dark Angel: Well, I suppose they have to repopulate the hive someway…

Twilight forced a laugh as she glanced at the door. “Well, Celestia and I were discussing the need to expand the front lines. Some of Sombra’s crystal dragons were seen near other cities in the north,

Scarlet: Where the fuck did that army in the south go, then? I don’t even think I caught that on my first read-through!

and we were worrying about how we’d defend them considering your changelings are already spread so thin. We eventually decided to take a break to work on something else, and I suggested maybe making a few more love collectors together.

Scarlet: Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean.

Crazy56U: Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Wink wink. Say no more.

SC276: What’s it like?

Topher: Rule number five, No poofters. Did I do it right?

After that, one thing sort of led to another, and Celestia decided to try some of the liquid love. Then she... started acting all... lovely... like that.”

Scarlet: Funny, I thought a love overdose would result in this.

Dark Angel: I’m almost glad it didn’t…almost.

SC276: It’s been months or something, and a pony never tried drinking it before now? Nor did the science/magic side of pony Tumblr figure out its chemical composition and its possible effects on ponies, which would’ve been helpful info because ponies have to be handling the collectors? Again, what if it splashed on someone?

Topher: I want to know what that link is, but I’m scared to click it. I get the sneaking suspicion that there is a porno at the other end.

Scarlet: You really don’t know me very well, do you?

Crazy56U: Not hearing a no, friend...

“And that’s when you high-tailed it to come get me. I thought you were Celestia’s number-one problem solver.” Chrysalis made a little pout with her lips and used her magic to pinch Twilight’s cheek.

SC276: I’m pretty sure characters in this universe that do that just fine with their hooves, ya show-off.

Twilight squirmed away, freeing herself like a niece from an overbearing aunt. “Well, I’m sure I’d be able to handle it, but this is so up your alley,

SC276: Twilight does not talk like that. … [Chrysalis] “Private, your assignment’s done here.” And it’s not lying because Celestia never asked.

Dark Angel: I’m not sure if I want to see anything that’s up Cadance’s ‘alley’...if ya know what I mean.

and I really need to be getting back to Ponyville.”

“Let me guess, she tried to kiss you, didn’t she?”

Scarlet: Hahahaha. It’s… it’s funny because her mentor who she’s known since she was a little kid is drunk off her ass and forced her into an uncomfortably intimate situation she clearly wants no part of.

Dark Angel: The irony is that there are too many fics that would actually do something like that and have Twilight accepting it.

Twilight blushed red as a beet, then violently shook her head. “No no, nothing... nothing like that. Nothing like that at all happened. Still, whoa, would you look at the time? I’ve got a whole section of books that need to be reorganized for the second time this month.”

Scarlet: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. HA. HAH.

Her words became more hurried, as if sputtering them out faster would let her escape.

SC276: Wait, does that work? QUICK, EVERYONE, RIFF FASTER!

Topher: (inhales mightily) OkIllgoasfastasIcansexjokereferencewittyremarkstatementwithdisturbingimplicationsaboutmyownsanityandprobablesociopathicnature (whips out a machine gun and unloads an entire clip ino Scarlet’s head) Weanyclosertobeingdone?

Scarlet: No, and now you’ve forced me to resurrect so many times in a row that I spontaneously dragged a hellhound back with me. On the bright side, I have a new pet dog! Scruffy will have a friend!

Crazy56U: ... (turns and looks towards the reader) ...your guess is as good as mine, I don’t know…

Dark Angel: Should I be ashamed that I actually paid attention to what Topher said?

“I’d better get going. Have fun. I’m sure it will wear off quickly. I mean, it’s not like love is the strongest force in the universe and about the only thing I’ve ever seen that’s capable of getting Celestia drunk. Just...

Scarlet: YUP. That whole damn thing about Liquid Love is in this story so Celestia can get drunk on it. Because apparently, normal booze would be a shitty idea! NOPE GOTTA HAVE RASPBERRY-FLAVORED DOVE WATER INTO WINE COCKTAILS.

SC276: Twilight’s seen Celestia try to get drunk before?!

Dark Angel: You know, that would probably make a better fic than this.

I’m-going-to-tell-Luna-to-take-care-of-the-sun-tonight, andthatCelestiacangrabthedawntomorrowmorning!”

Forcing her smile to widen to the point that it was about to leap from her face,

Scarlet: Insert Lesson Zero screencap here.

Crazy56U: Insert Jeff the Killer joke here… followed by apology.

Twilight took a single step away from Chrysalis. “So... goodnight!” Like her words had been the tweet of a whistle, Twilight spun around and sprinted down the hallway, leaving Chrysalis to snicker to herself before turning her attention back to the door.

Scarlet: Your kingdom is in ashes. Your children lie dead on its streets. An army of dragons has fucking vanished. You have not. Had. Closure.

SC276: Again, that entire bit with the genocide is pointless! The intention in terms of shipping was to bring Celestia and Chrysalis emotionally closer, but did you have to kill off an entire race to do so?!

Dark Angel: Well technically, it’s only most of an entire race.

“Oh, you ponies, you’re all just a little too innocent, but that’s what makes you so cute.” Chrysalis cast her magic on the door,

SC276: Wait, there’s different rooms, what.

opening them wide to see Celestia laying on her back, squirming into the soft cushions of the couch of her private study. “Good evening, fat ass.”

Crazy56U: And hey, look! She’s letting it all hang out! ...hey, the more she keeps

calling her that, the more I quote “Fat Bottom Girls”. (shrug)

“Chrysalis! Have you sat on this couch before? It’s soooooo soft.” Celestia flipped onto her belly, rubbing her chin against the silken cushions. “I lllloooovvveee this couch, Chrysalis!

Scarlet: HATE.

And I just... I llloovveee this room! It’s got so many books, and I just llllooovvveee books! Twilight loves books too, did you know that?”

Scarlet: Haaaaaate.

Chrysalis was struggling with all her might not to burst out laughing. Her cheeks puffed and her eyes watered, but she kept it in. “No, I—” She snorted. It felt like a laugh was trying to escape her nose. “No, I didn’t know that.”

Scarlet: Hey, Pen Stroke, here’s a thought. Why not put this earlier in the story? Just after Celestia asks what love tastes like? Then I wouldn’t be reading a scene from a rom-com which takes place after the massacre of an entire fucking species!

Dark Angel: Maybe this scene was supposed to come before that scene, but something just got mixed up.

“Oh, it’s true.” Celestia attempted to roll over on the couch again, but only succeeded in falling off. She landed on the floor with a thud, but the new situation seemed to please her just as much as the previous.

SC276: [Celestia] “Pain is funny!”

Topher: A mare after my own heart.

She began to rub and scoot along the floor, a smitten look on her face and a warm blush on her cheeks. “Oh, I love this floor too. It’s so smooth and cool, and I just love the color.”

Scarlet: Aaaaand the next thing she says she’ll love will be-

Topher: Lamp.

Crazy56U: Love?

Dark Angel: Death and destruction?

Celestia scooted up to Chrysalis before finally having the sense of mind to pull herself up off the floor. Still, she stood on her own four hooves for just a moment before leaning forward and almost collapsing against Chrysalis. “And I llllooovvveee you too! You’re my crazy friend.”

Scarlet: ERMAGERD DIDN’T SEE IT COMING.

SC276: I’m looking forward to Mykan. I’m looking forward to Mykan.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, man…

Dark Angel: Okay, SC. Just get your sanity…what’s left of it…together. Nobody, and I mean nobody looks forward to Mykan.

Chrysalis was cataloging every moment and detail. It would be sweet, sweet blackmail against the sun princess. Not for any monetary gain, but just to get her flustered when she was being too much of a stick in the mud. “Your crazy friend? Really?”

Scarlet [Celestia]: “Cuz, like, you attacked me in a berserker rage when you realized that your entire capital city got slaughtered!”

Celestia nodded her head firmly, not even realizing she was but inches away from impaling Chrysalis’s eye on her horn’s tip.

Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “You were planning to kill me all along!”

SC276: You’d think the changeling queen would be smart enough to maneuver around situations like that.

“Oh yes. Everypony else is so... bleh around me. Yes, Princess Celestia. Of course, Princess Celestia. More tea, Princess Celestia? You have to sign these papers, Princess Celestia. No more cake, Princess Celestia. But you... you just call me Celestia and I... I lovingly respect you for that.”

Scarlet: Twilight. Luna. I’m sure she has other confidantes we haven’t met. I’m kind of sick of this trope, where Celestia is so tired of being royalty that she falls madly in love with the first person to be rude to her. Also, Chrysalis calls her fat-ass.

Crazy56U: This could’ve been done a lot fucking better...

“This is priceless.”

Crazy56U: No it isn’t, shut up.

Chrysalis made no effort to hold back her laughter now. She was openly snickering, chuckling, and grinning as Celestia stumbled back, landed in another chair, and nearly knocked it over with her momentum.

SC276: [Chrysalis] “If I had a camera, this would totally be going on YouTube.”

“Isn’t it though? Friendship is priceless, and I llloovvveee friendship. And I love my friends... and I love everything about them.

Scarlet: Damn it, Pen Stroke! You’re going to wear out the Wink-Wink, Nudge-Nudge gag!

Crazy56U: Yeah, and I introduced that into this riff!

SC276: I’m still trying to repair the spinach beard gag. Gonna need more nails, by the way.

I mean look at you. I’d kill to be that thin. And you have those... pretty wings and... all those adorable little holes.”

Scarlet: And this just took a right turn into the fucking terrifyingly weird.

Dark Angel: I wouldn’t call it ‘terrifyingly’ weird. But yeah, that’s some weird shit.

Topher: [Celestia] “Ugh, I just wanna stick my horn in ‘em!”

Celestia’s voice went up an octave while she lifted a forehoof and made little circles in the air. “They’re just so cute and tiny and all over your hooves. I could just gobble them up like swiss cheese.”

Scarlet: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. I did not come here for vore!

SC276: Honestly, nothing’s going to salvage this. Might as well like a right turn into the bizarre.

Crazy56U: Don’t know about anyone else, but I’m treating this like an oil fire: I’m going to just let this burn itself out…

Dark Angel: Is there any other way to manage to get through this?

Chrysalis lifted a hoof and held her ribs, which were growing sore from laughing so much. She coughed, laughed, and then used some magic to wipe a tear from her eye

SC276: Can she not use her hooves for freakin’ anything?

before managing to calm herself down. “Okay, I think I’ve got more than enough to hold over your head for the next few centuries. Come here, Celestia. Let me take that excess love.”

Scarlet: Better yet, let me just take this scene straight out of the story. It’ll do you all some good.

Celestia stumbled out of the seat, and fell into Chrysalis as a giggle escaped her throat. She then looked up at Chrysalis, the pair locking eyes for a moment.

Scarlet: They were unable to unlock them and spent the rest of the day staring at each other.

Celestia’s whimsy seemed to disappear for a moment, and her stare grew intense. “And... you know what... I love your eyes. They’re such a lovely color.”

Scarlet: Well, how about that? Celestia’s love spree wasn’t just a matter of her being drunk! I find this completely unexpected and in no way the most obvious possible thing which could happen here!

SC276: IS IT ORGY TIME YET

Dark Angel: Seriously, this story seems to just enjoy teasing us and stopping right before we get to the climax! …wait…

“Sure,” Chrysalis said as she cracked open her mouth a little. Vapors of love began to seep off Celestia, a slow bleed of the excess energy.

SC276: If this is how changelings feed, how do they do it normally? I mean, like during routine operations. Someone’s gonna get freaked out if their loved one just stands there with their mouth open like that. I mean, couldn’t that work during a kiss just fine? Bit like drinking from a straw that way. Just saying, this method is stupid.

Dark Angel: Of course this story is stupid. So that makes this method on par.

“No, I mean it. You’re... very pretty, and I’m sorry that we ever had to be enemies. Sure, you were trying to take over and rule Equestria, but at least on some level, you were just trying to take care of your hive.

Scarlet: By eating people’s love and rendering them barely-functional husks. If you’re going to redeem Chrysalis can we at least not pretend she doesn’t do terrifying shit?

SC276: Barely-functional husks? Sounds pretty close to me right now.

Crazy56U: Just fuck, already!

You and me, we’re more than just a princess and a queen. You’re a mother, and I’m a teacher. You can look like anyone you want to, and I can move the sun. We’re a pair of pretty amazing mares and... and...”

Scarlet: In about five seconds she’s going to launch into “I Can’t Do it Alone” from Chicago.

Topher: Wait, so this is basically a parent-teacher conference turning into a mare-on-mare sex scene? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE OFFICIALLY STARTED READING THE SCRIPT TO A PORNO!

Crazy56U: Oh, dear.

Dark Angel: Normally I wouldn’t have too many issues with that. But the main issue I have is that the 75% of the story leading up to this could’ve been taken out and it wouldn’t have affected this part that much! Seriously, this story is basically several months of foreplay leading up to a few seconds of climax!

Celestia blinked a few times, and took a step back. The warm blush on her cheeks was beginning to fade. The blissful smile on her face was slowly fading into a concerned frown, and her eyebrows furrowed like she was struggling against a headache.

Scarlet: Oh hey, she just realized what scene she was in!

SC276: Huh. Usually the hungover comes after they fall asleep.

Dark Angel: Wait! Wasn’t there supposed to be an orgy?!

“That should take care of that,” Chrysalis said as a few final wisps of vapor slipped into her mouth. “So, do you want me to wait until tomorrow to laugh and ridicule you, or do you want to get it out of the way now?”

Crazy56U: Or, option 3: we all pretend this never happened...

“T-tomorrow,” Celestia said, blushing a little as her mind began to properly recollect all that had just happened.

Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “Well too bad, because you looked like a total asshole! Ahahahahahaha, oh man! Whoo!”

SC276: Who remembers what happens when they’re drunk right away?

She began striding towards the door, trying to outrun the blush of embarrassment growing on her cheeks. For a moment, Chrysalis was content to let her escape, but as she heard the doors open she couldn’t help turn her head and shout over her shoulder.

“By the way, I love that couch too.”

Scarlet: Hahahahaha, all your children are dead.

SC276: “Positive Force (reversed)” from VVVVVV is stuck in my head right now. It seems very appropriate.

Celestia slipped out the door and snapped it shut behind her, causing Chrysalis to laugh to herself for a few moments longer. She then looked to the one table in the room, seeing the mostly empty glass of liquid love. It seemed Celestia had forgotten to dilute the mixture.

Scarlet: see it was all foreshadowing for this totally necessary and tonally appropriate scene it hurts.

Even she, a changeling queen, would struggle not to be affected by such a high concentration of love.

SC276: You did just fine in scene 2. Pretty sure I already said that. ...In fact, I did!

Dark Angel: I think every scene in this story was written by a different person, and none of them knew what the others were writing.

Still, with a smile Chrysalis picked up the glass and quickly drank down the last little sip it contained.

The taste was noticeably different, and for a moment Chrysalis was caught off guard.

Scarlet: By the rampaging dragon army. Which is still missing.

SC276: [Sombra] “Where did that regiment go?! I can’t take my eyes off them to trap two guards with obvious bait for five minutes!”

The liquid love tasted of restaurant romance,

SC276: “No, you order first, dearie!”

but what she had just drunk from Celestia was love for another creature. It wasn’t true love, like Shining and Cadance shared,

SC276: Them’s fighting words with like half of everyone I regularly Skype with.

but it was a kind of kinship,

Scarlet: Weak. We all know this is ending in a relationship. Stop trying to hide it.

something that could grow into a more powerful love.

SC276: I just played the Plague Knight update for Shovel Knight, so all I’m thinking of is alchemy and awesome heart-shaped explosions.

It was also love of a certain orientation. It was a very interesting and unexpected flavor.

Scarlet: Well shit, I guess Macklemore was wrong all along. It’s not the “Same Love”, because gay romance just tastes different! Hahahaha, no really fuck you too.

“My, my, my, Celestia,” Chrysalis said,

Crazy56U: Fuck you for reminding me of “Mitchel”...

musing to herself as she set the glass back on the table and turned to leave. “I guess that would explain why Equestria’s only eligible bachelorette princess for a thousand years of lonely ruling never found herself a prince.

Scarlet: Because any single woman who isn’t gay will always find a man who’s a good match for her or will want to pursue a relationship ha ha ha ha ha ha no seriously fuck you too.

SC276: YOU get a fuck you! YOU get a fuck you! EVERYONE gets a fuck you!

Dark Angel: (deadpan tone) Gee, what a surprise. An MLP fic that has the main characters as lesbians. I’ve never seen that before.

Well, I can’t really blame you either. I don’t have a high opinion of the opposite sex. The only changeling ‘stallion’ I ever dated was from some hive across the ocean. He knocked me up like a bee queen and then went flying off into the sunset. I won’t deny, it’s what my species does, but he could have least stayed for breakfast.”

Scarlet: Speaking of which all your kids are dead. And this. Ugh. I. haaate.

SC276: Would you like a hug, orange juice, or both?

Topher: How about the sweet release of death? Would that help?

Scarlet: You know full well I can’t die. But all of the the above would be nice.

SC276: *fills your sake dish with orange juice and hugs*

Dark Angel: I’ve got some tequila, if you want to kill some brain cells.

~~~

“I think I know why the dragon attacks have grown more infrequent,” Twilight said. She, Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and Chrysalis sat in the private sanctity of the Canterlot war room. “Over the past several months King Sombra’s been trying to wear down the Crystal Empire.

Scarlet: And perfecting the art of making the dragon armies he sneaks around the southern border disappear into narrative ether.

SC276: [dragon] “Sir, can we literally attack anything else, please?”

[Sombra] “CRYSTALS.”

I believe his desire was to take the city without causing a lot of collateral damage. The distinct lack of crystal dragon attacks in the past week, however, makes me believe his patience has run out.

SC276: Not just his.

I believe we’ll be facing a major, full scale invasion of the Crystal Empire within the next few days.”

Scarlet [Twilight]: “That and he shouted ‘Prepare for your doom, Crystal Ponies!’ as he flew by yesterday morning.”

“How certain are you of this?” Celestia asked.

SC276: How certain is a die going to land on a 6? By the way, it’s the infinity-sided die from Gravity Falls.

Crazy56U: (in the middle of chewing some gum) Hold on, give me a second…

Dark Angel: You know technically, an infinity sided die would be a ball.

SC276: You haven’t seen Gravity Falls, have you.

“Very certain, Your Highness,” Twilight said as she spread her numerous calculations, formula, and predictions across the table.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Did you just calculate troop movements using matrix math?”

[Twilight] “I have been very bored lately.”

“But, I have good news too. I think I know how to find King Sombra, and it may very well be the same reason he attacked Queen Chrysalis’s hive.”

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Turns out he had a gigantic, crystal-lined lair in the mountains all along! He decorated it with little changeling carapaces!”

Twilight called on her magic, forming figures in the air that began to resemble mountains.

SC276: [Twilight] “Initiating PowerPoint mode.”

In those mountains she made a picture of Sombra, a dragon, and a gold-filled cave appear. “King Sombra possessed a dragoness, that much we know for certain. However, even if the dragoness’s horde was over eighty percent enchanted items, that stockpile of magic should have run out a week ago.

Scarlet: Because if King Sombra lacks anything, it’s limitless amounts of evil magic and what.

Crazy56U: Are you sure he lacks what? I’m pretty sure he has some what left over…

Dark Angel: And how much who, where, why, when, and how does he have left over?

That means King Sombra has found some other means of fueling his army, and I believe that fuel is love.

Scarlet: What.

Crazy56U: B-but… ...isn’t that like trying to feed Superman kryptonite so that he’d be more super?

SC276: More like what Homura became at the end of the third Madoka movie.

Scarlet: ALL OF MY FANRAGE! *spontaneously combusts and revives*

As Queen Chrysalis can attest, significantly powerful love is a near limitless resource.

SC276: No wonder we feel so drained. These fics aren’t giving their readers any love.

Dark Angel: I know, right? I’m still waiting for the Sunbutt on Bugbutt action.

Also, if the lore and legends I’ve been reading are true, the crystal heart was carved from a very rare kind of gemstone located in the northern mountains.”

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Actually, they retconned that for fifth edition. Now it’s a divine artifact from the celestial planes.”

[Twilight] “Dammit!”

Topher: Okay, seriously. Am I the only one noticing a ton of D&D jokes lately?

Scarlet: Oh hey, you made a successful spot check there!

“I think King Sombra has found a vein of that gemstone, and corrupted it to some degree with his dark magic. I believe the gem is acting as some sort of magical converter. If that’s true, he could be mentally manipulating the dragoness to feel love. The love is then absorbed by the gem, where it is converted into a form of magic King Sombra can more readily use.”

Scarlet: We decided to add this plot element to the story because I’m not even sure.

SC276: OK, step one is hypnotizing the princess- er, dragon to feel love, which I oppose on a personal level so hard the ground I’m standing on is cracking. Step two involves feeding the love into the gem that creates magic from joy and hope, not love. Just… oh my god, how can I take the bullshit that spews from Catch and Mykan, but not this?!

Crazy56U: The more you explain this, the less sense it makes.

Dark Angel: Stop trying to make sense of it. I promise it will spare a fraction of your sanity. Granted, it’s a very very small fraction though.

“That seems quite far-fetched, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said. “Do you have any proof to substantiate your theory?”

Scarlet: [Twilight] *Dumps the transcript of the next few scenes on the table*

[Luna] “...Fair point.”

“I’m very glad you asked,” Twilight said.

SC276: We’re not.

She levitated a box out from beneath the table, and quickly unpacked its contents. In the center of the table she set out one of Cadance’s ambient love collectors. Then, surrounding it, Twilight placed several large piles of shattered crystal shards from one of king Sombra’s dragons. “Now, watch what happens when I grind down these shards.”

Scarlet: Wow, this scene is so neat I am just riveted and totally invested in it I am a sincere person look at me being sincere.

SC276: I think last week I mentioned the remote from Click. Still want that.

Twilight manifested a rolling pin in her magic and began to run it across the table. The grinding of the crystals was hard on the ears, but Twilight persisted until she had crushed most of the gems into a fine powder.

Scarlet: Spike snorted them at the last second, ruining everything.

SC276: She totally need an audience to do this.

Topher: [Twilight] “These crystals just saved this lame ass PARTAY! WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!”

Crazy56U: Wubba Lubba Dub Dub in deed.

Then, she lifted up Cadance’s love collector, and with a careful touch of magic, withdrew a single drop of liquid from within its crystalline structure.

Scarlet: Oh I see we added the love plot element because otherwise we couldn’t establish where Sombra was in any fashion I mean he’s so inconspicuous with his fucking army of dragons.

SC276: Well it wasn’t like those two scouts could find him.

“This collector was perfectly clean before I brought it into this room. I triple checked it,” Twilight said before focusing her eyes on the drop of liquid. “This bit of liquid love came from these crystal dragon shards, meaning they were animated by either love magic or something derived from love.

Scarlet [Twilight]: “Or possibly that they all have a crush on Sombra, but I’m trying to avoid following that chain of thought.”

This is my evidence, and this is why I think King Sombra wanted to get Queen Chrysalis and her hive out of the equation.

Scarlet: Ha! What do you say to that, BEATRIIIICE!

“Changelings can sense love, and I imagine Queen Chrysalis can sense it over a very wide area. If King Sombra is in fact using love to fuel his army, then Queen Chrysalis can lead us straight to his lair.”

SC276: [Chrysalis] “Then how come I haven’t picked up anything already?”

[Twilight] “Because plot.”

“And if you’re wrong?” Chrysalis asked, the doubt heavy in her voice.

Scarlet: Then we’re condemned to a few more scenes of nothing happening. I hope to god she’s right. Spoilers, she’s right.

“Then you, me, and my friends fly around the mountains for a while, get cold, don’t find anything, and then go back to the Crystal Empire for hot chocolate,” Twilight answered

SC276: Hot chocolate sounds good right now, and I live in southern California and it’s the tail end of summer right now.

Crazy56U: Fuck, even just plain chocolate would be good right now, this story is burning me out… (starts nibbling on a Hershey's bar)

before looking to Celestia. “I can’t say for certain I’m right, but if I am, we could catch Sombra off guard.

Scarlet [Twilight]: “He only prepared like five separate back-up defenses for the Crystal Heart when we confronted him before, so I’m sure his lair is going to be completely undefended and totally safe to approach.”

SC276: [Twilight] “It’s not like he’s had months to prepare or anything.”

Dark Angel: Seriously, this fic spans like what? A year? And what has happened in that time? Other than the Changelings being killed, this story is the year of nothing.

If we wait until we’ve confirmed that he's committed most of his dragons against the Crystal Empire, then my friends and I can sneak into his lair and hit him with our rainbow power.

Scarlet: They can’t use the rainbow power directly on the dragons because *blows raspberry*.

SC276: So this is now explicitly after season 4. Which would’ve been nice to know before now!

Dark Angel: Technically, it could’ve taken place during season 4, because the rainbow powers were being advertised even before the season finale. In fact, I think the toys were revealed even before the season premiere.

SC276: In-universe, Angel. If we want when the fic was written, we have post dates for that.

Without him, the crystal dragons will either break apart or, at the very least, will be incapable of coordinating their attacks.”

SC276: [Twilight] “I mean, they’ll still be threats, being giant dragons and all, and they’ll probably be pretty mad and confused once Sombra’s dead, but let’s not think about that.”

~~~

“I’m surprised you don’t wear armor more often. It hides your fat ass.”

Crazy56U: (scoff) And you think you’re a prize, Chrysalis? Trust me, ain't no beauty

queens in this locality, I tell you.

SC276: Do you literally have no other insults?

Crazy56U: Sometimes you gotta keep a running joke running, friend.

Celestia turned her head, watching as Chrysalis came up beside her before returning her gaze to the horizon. The both of them were garbed in heavy armor. Celestia’s was golden, like the shining summer sun. Chrysalis’s was green, a rare kind of hardened goo made by her changelings for the battle to come.

SC276: Everything’s freakin’ goo with these guys.

And there was a battle coming.

SC276: Winter is coming.

Crazy56U: (smacks you in the head)

It loomed over them like a rumbling thunder storm.

Scarlet: Wow, some battlefield action in a wartime fic! It only took… wow, the majority of the story to get here!

SC276: Is it a shipfic? Is it a warfic? Who knows, let’s just put both together and hope noone notices both sides suck.

Crazy56U: Huh, the Weather Channel said it was going to be sunny...

Twilight’s theory had been correct. They had located Sombra’s lair in the mountains by the aura of love surrounding it. Unfortunately, the rest of her theory had been proven true as well. He had been amassing his forces for a single assault, one that could wipe the empire off the map.

Scarlet: Apparently pincer movements don’t exist in Equestria because that other fucking army still hasn’t been explained. Man, it’s almost as if the wanton slaughter of every changeling outside the Empire was tonally inconsistent with the rest of the story and unnecessary to the plot!

Twilight and her friends had to wait until that army had begun to march against the empire before they could try to sneak in to defeat Sombra.

Scarlet: Because fuck you, that’s why.

Crazy56U: Sums up the story in a nutshell, really. “The Enemy of My Enemy: Because fuck you, that’s why”.

In fact, for the best possible chance of success, they had to wait for the siege to begin. They had to be sure Sombra’s forces were committed to assault the Crystal Empire before going in to confront the dark crystal king, or the army could fall back to defend its master.

Scarlet: How does one besiege an army made up of giant, flying crystal golems exactly? They don’t eat or drink. They can fly over your ground force. I… argh. Argh argh argh.

SC276: A hive of changelings somehow managed to wipe out a whole squad of them, which is the only in-universe explanation for why they haven’t been mentioned since. We’re talking about Twilight Sparkle and her friends with Rainbow Power. These dragons literally should no longer be a credible threat.

The army in question was visible from the high balcony of the Crystal Palace. It was beautiful, despite the deadly danger it represented. Hundreds of crystalline dragons, each about the size of a horse,

Scarlet: So they’re adorable dragons the size of our main characters, then? Hasbro, I see a marketing opportunity!

SC276: Doesn’t that mean most of them are teenagers? Explains how they’re running on love then.

moved like a shimmering sea across the landscape. They’d crash against the empire’s shield like the wave against the shore, and it was up to Celestia, Chrysalis, Luna, Cadance, Shining, and their loyal armies to hold the line until Twilight and her friends could defeat Sombra.

Scarlet: Helm’s Deep, round two: The crystal-ing.

SC276: Wait. Oh you’re kidding me. You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. We’re staying behind with the force holding against the siege and missing out on another fight scene?! I’ve read the original fic of that… thing with the tiny Nightmare Moon, is Pen Stroke just incapable of writing things that are exciting?!

Scarlet: Actually if you consider the fact that his best known work is Past Sins then… yes. Yes and yes. That’s exactly the problem with all the war scenes. Pen Stroke doesn’t know how to write exciting.

“The way you’re always bringing up my flank, Chrysalis, would make some think you’ve got some sort of obsession with it. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“I don’t know. Do I need to mention a particular night involving liquid love and a couch?”

Scarlet: No you do not because I’m still not over that!

Crazy56U: I thought we agreed that never happened!

A faint smile grew on Celestia’s lips, the first to reside on her face that whole day. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”

“Never,” Chrysalis said with a smile of her own. Still, as both of them looked to the horizon, the fleeting joy was replaced with cold reality.

SC276: No, if that were the case, we’d be in Gregory House, which has a chef that cooks you into his next meal if you insult his food and it’d still be better than reading this!

“I wonder if this is what my changelings felt like when Sombra’s forces were bearing down on Knight’s Peak.”

Scarlet: Oh hey, the story remembered that big, significant thing that happened. TOO LATE.

“I wouldn’t be able to say for sure, but I do know this.

SC276: [Celestia] “They didn’t have a bigass dome shield.”

Dark Angel: Wait, are you referring to the shield around the Crystal Empire, or Sunbutt’s fat ass?

Today, Sombra’s the one that will taste defeat.”

SC276: Stuffing it in his mouth like how schoolyard bullies stuff bugs into kids’ mouths.

Topher: Hey now, too many good bugs have died in this fic.

Crazy56U: Yeah, that was a low blow, man…

SC276: OK, I admit to not thinking that full riff through and I apologize to all affected parties.

Celestia lifted a forehoof, placing it on Chrysalis’s shoulder. “Today, we avenge all of your fallen changelings. Those six will defeat King Sombra. All we have to do is buy them the time they need.”

Scarlet: Meh. “Merry band of brothers” this ain’t.

SC276: That shield’s held up for months, and runs on genuine love. Those dragons are running on artificially-induced love born of mind control. It’s basically a bunch of toddlers trying to climb the Great Wall of China.

Chrysalis nodded, rolling her shoulders and ensuring her own armor rested comfortably on her narrow frame. “Just try to keep up. I don’t want a posh pony princess slowing me down.”

“You say that now, Chrysalis, but prepare yourself,” Celestia said, her horn glowing as she felt an old fire flicker to life in her heart. “I imagine that by the end of today, I’ll have changed your tune.”

Scarlet: Specifically to this one.

Crazy56U: (nods in approval)

SC276: Oh just fuck already. Or fuck off, one of the two.

Dark Angel: Actually, I vote on both.

~~~

The hexagonal barrier, formed in cooperation between changelings and ponies, held valiantly against the charge of the crystal dragons. Yet, the dragons’ force was unrelenting. They began to find weak points in the barrier, and they exploited them.

Scarlet: By hitting them for massive damage, I presume.

Hexagonal panels began to fail, and before the holes could be covered, some dragons would swarm in. The armies of Equestria met these dragons head on, smashing them to dust. But each dragon did not fall easily. Many ponies were injured, sliced by sharp claws or crushed under the beasts’ horrible weight. Those injured were rushed to the medical tents, far from the front.

Scarlet: Hey, remember when the Crystal Heart magically obliterated every trace of Sombra? This story doesn’t! Hahahahaha pain.

Not all would live to feel the healing magic of the medics.

SC276: The only reason I’m not dying right now is because I’ve got better things to do later.

Topher: Well maybe if they would stop camping by the engineers and moved up, the medics could do some more good!

Yet morale never faltered, for flying amongst the pegasi above were the beacons of leadership the ponies of the armed forces had sworn their allegiance too. Celestia and Luna fought with strength spoken of only in legend.

Scarlet: Unfortunately, DBZ: Battle of the Gods was playing in a nearby theater, and thus nobody paid attention to them.

SC276: Leaders on the front lines? This isn’t Sparta, for once.

With blasts from their horns they sent dozens of crystalline dragons crumbling to dust. They alone held back many of the beasts that managed to get within the barrier, leaving only a few stragglers for their armies to clean up.

Scarlet: So the ponies are winning because divine alicorn justice that leaves few enemies for the army to deal with, but ponies are dying all around, and argleflargleblargle I’m confused.

SC276: Why can’t we get to see what form Sombra’s taking, exactly, again? I’m actually not sure what’s going on with him.

Cadance and Shining waited in reserve, watching the battle unfold from the Crystal Palace. Their unified barrier spell would be the army’s means of retreat, should the tides of war turn too greatly against them.

Scarlet: Wait wasn’t the real purpose of this massive battle a distraction so Twilight and co. could reach Mt. Doom and deal with Sauron, I mean Sombra? Why not use the barrier spell and preserve your troops?

SC276: Well if the dragons aren’t busy fighting and dealing with a more immediate threat, it’s not much of a distraction, is it?

And Chrysalis, she and her changelings worked tirelessly to repair the breaches in the outer shield. She would use her own impressive magic to force back any dragons trying to cross a breach, and then hold them at bay while her changelings and some of Celestia’s unicorns repaired the damage.

Scarlet: Man, I’m sure that the massive death beams that can take out Celestia would be no help in smiting this army in the face.

SC276: That worked because she was souped up on Shining’s love for Cadance and wasn’t an expected result. Of course, we literally have their power source in drinkable form in this fic, so the only solution is CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Topher: *Pulls out a trumpet, begins playing the Popeye theme.*

The delegations of duties led to the battle leaning in their favor. The full force of the crystal dragon army was never able to penetrate the barrier,

SC276: Then how’d they’d get in in the first place?

Crazy56U: I’ve explained this: 1998!Godzilla-style teleportation.

allowing the allied forces to fight them off dragon by dragon. It was a long, slow, drawn out way to win the day, but it would ensure many of Equestria’s finest would live to return to the warm embraces of their families and friends.

Scarlet: “Many would not live to feel the healing magic of the medics.”

That was, until, the tactics of the dragons began to change.

Scarlet: On that day, ponykind received a grim reminder.

SC276: [dragon] “OK, we’ve decided that we do have enough autonomous independence to change tactics.”

Chrysalis had just finished patching a hole in the barrier when she saw it. One crystal dragon, a few rows back from the very front of the offensive line, stood up on its hind legs. The jeweled beasts had no eyes, no facial features, yet this one dragon had a green and purple haze flowing from its head.

Scarlet: And there’s the Colossal Titan I MEAN Sombra.

SC276: [Sombra] “Ladies, you are fighting on the front line. Did you think I wouldn’t do the same? It’s freakin’ tradition around here!”

That one dragon was staring at Chrysalis. She could feel its gaze even though it had no eyes. That one dragon had a murderous intent ten times any of its fellows, and every drop of that aggression was focused on her.

Scarlet: Please say he eats her. Please. It would be a mercy.

SC276: Kinky.

Crazy56U: Why do you want vore in this?!

Scarlet: Not so much vore as the sweet release of death. For them, not me. I gave that up a long time ago.

Dark Angel: And besides, insects are high in protein.

Yet that one dragon did not simply lash out at the barrier. No, it reached out for its brethren, grabbing hold of two other jeweled beasts. From that contact a chain reaction began to occur.

Scarlet: Final Fusion! Approved!

The other dragons were absorbed, becoming the first of many as the one unique creature grew larger. It consumed a dozen of its brethren, becoming as large as a true adult dragon. It then reared its head back and roared, a sound that shook the ground and the hearts of the army.

Scarlet: Super Crystal Combination! The ultimate dark being, Dragonic Sombra: Buster Mode!

SC276: Oh like ponies need more Power Rangers…

Dark Angel: Technically that episode was more along the lines of The Avengers or Justice League.

With one slash of its claws, a gaping hole was ripped in the defensive barrier. A single step, and it had crossed the front line.

SC276: When it seems the heroes are winning, everything goes to hell. Of course.

Chrysalis lashed out at it, trying to use a magical blast to force the dragon back through the barrier. The beast, however, was unfazed. It reached out for her, blocking her magical blast with the palm of its claw before snatching her up like some foal’s toy.

Scarlet: *munches popcorn* Okay, I admit that this bit is kind of fucking awesome.

Chrysalis shouted and struggled, fighting with all her strength against the grip of the crystal dragon. She was carried up, higher and higher until the beast was holding her in front of its face.

SC276: Someone’s seen King Kong recently.

She then saw something forming in the crsytaline reflection,

Crazy56U: You’re fucking me, right?

the familiar visage of a black coated stallion

SC276: To the surprise of no one.

Crazy56U: Except some goldfish.

Dark Angel: And they had to be some mentally handicapped goldfish.

“You die now, changeling,” Sombra said, his voice and will projected through the colossus of crystal.

Scarlet: Darkness FINGEERRRRRR!

Crazy56U: ...this is like hearing Silent Bob speak, holy shit...

The dragon then began to squeeze, and Chrysalis screamed. The air was leaving her lungs. Her body was beginning to fail. She was moments away from being crushed like some bug beneath a hoof.

SC276: We get it, author.

Topher: “She began to make humorous squeaking noises.”

Crazy56U: If Sombra was going to kill Chrysalis like that, he really didn’t need to

bother with crystal dragons. Just get a giant newspaper, done and done.

Yet, before the final crunch, a brilliant light filled the air, and the giant dragon’s grip loosened. Chrysalis felt herself falling, and in a moment she realized why. Celestia and Luna had come to her aid.

SC276: [Sombra] “Oh right, you two are still here. Why am I even still focusing on this chick anyway again?”

Scarlet: *continues to munch popcorn* Hey, you know what would’ve been great? This whole bit being near the start of the story instead of the end. Then we would’ve had ample fucking reason for Chrysalis to be grateful to Celestia, and you could’ve had your romance without any of this terrible tonal failure getting in the way! THREE. EDITORS.

Crazy56U: Are we sure that the “editors” weren’t actually a group of puppies and Pen Stroke just named three random people just to trick us?

Dark Angel: I’m beginning to think this story was written backwards.

Celestia, with the unbridled strength of the sun, had sliced the colossus’s claw clean off.

SC276: UNLEASH THE POWER OF THE SUN!! Contains 5% juice.

Crazy56U: But is it pulp free? That’s what I’d like to know.

Luna had then come in, swooping behind her sister to catch the falling Chrysalis and return her safely to the ground.

“Are you injured?” Luna asked once the pair had landed.

“N-no...” Chrysalis said, coughing as she struggled to speak through her gasping breaths.

SC276: [Luna] “That sounds like the opposite of injured.”

[Chrysalis] “Oh you’re not a riffer, don’t be so literal.”

Crazy56U: [Chysalis] “Just some massive internal injuries, nothing to worry about…”

[Luna] “Well, at least they’re internal…”

“I’ll... be okay. Just hurry and help—”

Scarlet: I’ll forgive the story if the next bit is Celestia summoning a massive crystalline pegasus golem to fight Sombra with.

Crazy56U: Yeah, but the budget for the fic has been stretched thin enough as it is, so that can’t be done, so instead-

The pair of them heard the smack,

Crazy56U: Celestia’s going to be knocked out of the sky.

a painful sort of sound like someone belly flopping off the highest diving board in Equestria. The truth, however, was far more terrible. In her efforts to distract the colossus, Celestia had been struck. Like a fly swatted from the air, the dragon’s remaining claw had struck her broadside.

Scarlet: ...or we could do that. THE UNBRIDLED STRENGTH OF THE SUN. *sighs and returns to munching popcorn*

SC276: Well she already unleashed the power of the sun, so she’s just down to the 5% juice right now.

Crazy56U: Celestia’s magic works the same way an iPhone battery works: from full to dead in a matter of minutes.

Luna and Chrysalis looked just in time to see a white form tumbling towards the Crystal Empire, where it crashed into the side of a building before falling to some unknown street.

Scarlet: Well, didn’t quite expect an opportunity to pull this one, but hey, why not.

Crazy56U: It’s raining mares! Hallelujah!

“Celestia!” Luna screamed, her wings spreading as she prepared to take off. But Chrysalis stopped her, shaking her head firmly.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “I believe I called dibs.”

“You have to keep that thing from getting any further inside, or this battle is lost,” Chrysalis said, pointing a hoof at the now unopposed colossus. “I don’t have the strength to hold it off. You do. I’ll go find Celestia. You need to stay here.”

Scarlet: So now Luna summons the mecha-pegasus-

Crazy56U: Again, budget, so-

Luna was livid. She growled and bared her teeth, but she did not protest. She turned to face the giant crystal dragon, body trembling with anger before she launched herself into the air. The battle cry she unleashed was like lightning cutting the air, and the following blast of magic sent the colossus stumbling back.

Scarlet: Eh, that works too. Story is now 10% forgiven.

SC276: [Luna] “Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck YOU!”

[Sombra] “One, that only works with multiple enemies, and two, boy you sure learned some interesting language in the last four-plus years.”

Crazy56U: That’s some Zero Laser shit right there...

It was a sight that rallied the army, bringing back the morale that had been lost when their sun princess fell. Yet, it was a sight Chrysalis did not see. She had turned her back on the battle, flying with all the speed she could muster towards the empire.

SC276: So, wait, they weren’t in the town proper, or…? He smashed a building earlier! Then again, this author has demonstrated no sense of space whatsoever...

Crazy56U: Well, considering you’re aiming for the ground, gravity should be helping

out a lot here...

~~~

Chrysalis found Celestia in a dark alley.

SC276: With ten-dollar bills hanging out of her pocket.

Crazy56U: So, does that mean Celestia landed in a dumpster?

Her fall had been broken just barely by a pile of trash.

SC276: That’s not a soft landing, author.

Crazy56U: Hey now, she was unconscious by the time she hit the ground; technically, it was a soft landing for her. Also, technically called it.

Dark Angel: And the author did say “just barely”.

Her white coat was marred with filth and blood. One of her wings was bent at a sickening angle, a sign of the shattered bone within. Worse of all, she was not moving. Even as Chrysalis descended to the ground below, Celestia neither stirred nor spoke. She lay, still as the dead.

Scarlet: It’s only a flesh wound.

Crazy56U: (pokes Celestia with a stick) ...eh, probably… (keeps poking)

Topher: I’ll keep a can of gas on standby.

“Come on, fat ass, if you die because of this I’ll never respect you again,” Chrysalis said, cursing as she used her failing magic to levitate Celestia out of the garbage.

Crazy56U: C’mon, Celestia can’t be dead. Chrysalis still has to take her home tonight.

SC276: Pen can’t honestly expect us to believe he killed her off before they fucked, right?

Dark Angel: If Celestia dies, then who will be left to repopulate the Changeling hive?

Scarlet: Wasn’t Celestia attracted to her primarily because of her lack of respect?

She laid her down in a clear part of the alley, putting her on her left side so there wasn’t any weight on her broken right wing. Instinctually, Chrysalis put her ear to Celestia’s chest and listened. It was faint, distant, and weak, but she detected a telltale sound of clinging life.

Scarlet: I confess! I confess! Here, pull up the floorboards! It is the beating of this story’s hideous heart!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a defibrillator) It’s okay, I got this! (chucks it at Celestia) ...fuck, wait, that’s wrong…

SC276: *starts building a brick wall* Cask of amontillado!

“Heartbeat, but no breathing. Okay, just got to get her breathing,” Chrysalis said to herself, trying to call on her horn but feeling her magic falter. She was spent. The last reserve of her love-fueled magic had been used freeing Celestia from the garbage.

Scarlet: Man, wouldn’t it be more convenient if she was right near a magical artifact which she had just stated makes an awesome changeling power source earlier in the story and wait a minute.

Crazy56U: Okay, that’s a lie, Celestia is still in garbage. And so are you. The story is still going, after all. (ba dum tsh)

SC276: [Chrysalis] “Shoot, how will I ever brush my hair aside again?!”

Still, Chrysalis did not linger nor panic.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “(running around in circles) WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO

AHHHHHHHHH!”

She had lived a hundred lives as a hundred ponies,

Crazy56U: Exactly a hundred? Bullshit.

and one of them had been as a non-magical nurse at a hospital.

She positioned herself quickly, remembering the simple procedure for rescue breathing: a simplified variation of CPR for when the heart was still beating.

SC276: I see we’re going for this cliché again.

Crazy56U: How simplified? Are you just going to pound on her ribcage until the plot dictates she should start breathing again?

Dark Angel: I’m sure Chrysalis will pound on Celestia. I just don’t think it will have anything to do with breathing… if ya know what I mean.

The first step was to position the victim. She rolled Celestia just slightly, ensuring the sun princess was on her back despite her injured wing.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Aaah, that is one satisfying crunch.”

Crazy56U: (singing) You got the munch. / The crisp and the crunch. / Livin' in the gutter with Grandma...

The second step was to position the head and plug the nose.

Scarlet: Chrysalis had at this point forgotten whether she was trying to save Celestia or finish her off.

Crazy56U: Well, old habits do die hard…

Dark Angel: Emphasis on ‘hard’. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

Third, provide the victim with two regular breaths, blowing enough air into their lungs to see their chest rise.

Chrysalis drew in a deep breath of her own then sealed her mouth around Celestia’s. One breath, exhaled into Celestia’s body until her chest rose.

Crazy56U: And then Celestia’s chest burst like a balloon.

[Chrysalis] “Oops...”

Chrysalis then repeated the breath once more, forcing just a little bit more air into Celestia’s lungs.

Scarlet: Oh Jesus we’re doing this trope. Kill me n- Topher, put down the gun. I can see you.

SC276: Please, I saw this coming the moment CPR was mentioned.

Topher: Aww come on, Scarlet! Can I at least shoot out your kneecap?

Dark Angel: How about we make this fic into a living creature and you can shoot that. would that make you feel better?

At this point, if Celestia’s heart had stopped, Chrysalis would have switched over to chest compressions. A quick check, however, confirmed Celestia’s heart was still beating, though the rhythm was still very weak.

Crazy56U: Just like that terrible Mario Party 3 minigame, the beat goes on.

“Come on,” Chrysalis said before bending down and forcing in a third breath. “Come on.” Another breath, another check of Celestia’s heart.

SC276: I’m starting to question why no one else has come to investigate the giant white alicorn that crashed into their garbage.

Topher: [Random Pony] “A war against crystal dragons controlled by Sauron is going on outside. This is honestly the least strange thing to happen to me today.”

It may have been Chrysalis’s paranoia, but it sounded like the heartbeat was getting weaker, more distant. She cursed and gave another rescue breath. Again and again and again she breathed for the sun princess, trying to keep her from dying in the alley.

Scarlet: Man, wouldn’t it be awesome if there were like, magical medics on this battlefield who could be called to assist? Who were mentioned right at the beginning of the previous scene?

SC276: I thought that too, but I’m getting the impression that they’re far enough away from combo-crystal Sombra that the medics are better used handling the injuries as before.

“Come on!” Chrysalis bent down again, her anger starting to make her movements sloppy. She sealed her mouth around Celestia’s, but this time her fangs closed tighter than she intended. The sharp teeth pierced the skin of Celestia’s nose, and with a sudden spurt the sun princess opened her eyes and began to cough.

Scarlet: I… well, apparently this story is still taking a turn for the vore. Right, I’m out.

SC276: [Chrysalis] “I just had to bite you?! Then why did I spend two minutes mock-kissing you?!”

Crazy56U: Well, if pain was enough to resuscitate her, then my joke comment about pounding on her chest makes more sense by comparison!

Chrysalis quickly turned Celestia’s head to one side to ensure that anything she coughed or threw up would not find it’s way back into her lungs. Still, through her own ragged breathing Chrysalis smiled. “Really? The thing that woke your fat ass up was because I bit your nose.”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Heap big woman, you made a bad girl out of me.”

SC276: STOP READING MY MIND!

Celestia coughed a few more times before managing to open her eyes and acknowledge Chrysalis’s presence and words. “Well... I have a very... sensitive nose.”

SC276: And then Celestia was a Yoshi, I dunno.

Crazy56U: No comment.

Chrysalis wanted to be angry, wanted to shout at that horrible attempt at humor.

Crazy56U: Well, at least she thought what we were all thinking...

She couldn’t, though, because she was laughing. It started small, but her giggles grew quickly to loud, long laughs at the utter stupidity of what had just been said. Celestia was trying to laugh too, though her chuckles soon devolved into groans of pain as the injuries across her body began to make themselves known.

Scarlet: Wow. It really was my reaction to this fic!

SC276: That line’s not that stupid. Putting a giant Bowser between two walls of springs and playing the disco music, that’s stupid enough to laugh at.

Still, as Celestia laughed through the pain and Chrysalis just laughed, a bright light cut through the sky.

SC276: Aliens!

Crazy56U: THE RAPTURE!

Chrysalis turned her head skyward, seeing a rainbow twisting and turning amidst the borealis of the Crystal Heart before diving down to earth like a vengeful comet. The earth shook, and then there was peace and stillness.

Chrysalis could only shake her head as she continued to look up at the sky. “You six couldn’t have done that five minutes earlier?”

Scarlet: ...wait if Sombra was on the battlefield, why did they even need to go to his lair, and- fuck it. One more scene. It can’t be that bad, can it?

Crazy56U: (facepalm) Must you tempt fate?

SC276: I’m pretty sure Sombra out-gambitted them there. He joined the army heading out to attack the empire instead of staying behind at his home base waiting for the heroes to come rainbow him, like they thought he was going to do.

~~~

“It’s a lovely party.”

Crazy56U: IKR? You just gotta love a “This Shit’s Almost Done” party...

Topher: (chugging gasoline) WHOOO!

Dark Angel: (lights a match) WHOOO!

The changeling queen smiled as Celestia strode up to her. The war had been over for a week now, and to celebrate Chrysalis had thrown a celebration at her hive.

SC276: Took ya this long? Would’ve been three days tops if Pinkie helped.

Dark Angel: And also, the party would last three days minimum.

It was a chance for her to welcome home the warriors and drones who had been in the Crystal Empire for so long, and it also allowed her a chance to make a good peacetime impression with the ponies of Equestria.

Scarlet: Welcome home, drones and warriors! Try not to step on the corpses of infant changelings!

Celestia had been right, now felt like the time for changelings and ponies to live together in harmony.

“Well, I have to thank you for convincing Twilight and her friends to assist.

SC276: They needed convincing? To fight Sombra? For their country?

Crazy56U: They wanted out of the fic, Celestia convinced them to stick around.

Dark Angel: In fact, the only one of the Mane 6 that actually made an appearance was Twilight. The others were probably just extras.

I don’t know if I would have been able to pull it together so nicely by myself,” Chrysalis said as Celestia joined her near the steps to the newly opened changeling embassy.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Traditional changeling parties involve riots, orgies, and the ritual recitation of terrible poetry. This is a step up.”

Dark Angel: [Celestia] “Well, I couldn’t think of any poetry to bring.”

The party had started just in the embassy lawn, but over the course of the evening the festivities had spilled into the street, becoming something just short of a block party.

Scarlet: Yes. Block party. Because that’s all you’d have celebrating after winning a mother-fucking war. The hell?

SC276: At least a giant-ass feast. That’s, like, minimum wage for killing a giant evil crystal Sombra.

“Well, they do good work, whether it's stopping evil villains or assisting with a wedding.”

Chrysalis chuckled at Celestia’s attempted jab. “I seem to recall a day they managed to do both at nearly the same time.”

Scarlet: Oh, that wacky self-aware humor!

SC276: Actually, it was Cadance and Shining that did the “stopping evil villain” part that day.

“Ah, she wasn’t really much of a villain,” Celestia said with a shrug. “She was more an overworked mother with too many mouths to feed.”

Scarlet: Good thing Sombra murdered most of them! That solved the problem!

Topher: And the moral of the story is: Everything gets better with murder.

Crazy56U: (facepalm)

“Overworked, underpaid, and sore all over,” Chrysalis said before swigging back the last of her drink, water with a double shot of liquid love. “The joys of being royalty.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Celestia said before tipping back a beverage of her own, a fruity number that may have had just a bit of liquid love as well. “Still, it is a nice party.”

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Although I do worry about Pinkie’s decision to carve crystal dragon corpses into festive sculptures. It runs a little macabre.”

[Chrysalis] “I rather approve.”

Chrysalis nodded as she turned and took a step towards the doors of the embassy. “Yeah, but I’m kind of partied out. Hey, follow me for a second. I’ve got something to show you.”

SC276: Insert that scene from The Grinch Grinches the Cat in the Hat here.

Crazy56U: I take it you mean this?

Though she hesitated for just a moment, Celestia did fall in line behind Chrysalis. The pair entered the embassy, passed two changelings standing guard, and began to descend into the hive proper. It was almost a reverse of the first day Chrysalis saw the place that was to be her new home. She was in the lead now, taking Celestia to see something the princess would never expect.

Scarlet: NO THANKS FOR TELLING ME PEN STROKE I COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE PROCESSED THE ACTION IN THAT SCENE IF YOU HADN’T DEFINED IT AGAIN ARGH. Three. Editors.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a Diet Coke) Friend, do you need a drink or something?

Scarlet: *breaks down crying on Crazy’s shoulder*

Crazy56U: ...so, no? ...I’ll take it as a no. (chugs the Diet Coke)

They got to the hive’s main corridor, reached the first intersection, and then headed north. They passed a few of the larger chambers, which Chrysalis’s changelings had filled with pods and hexagonal cells for her changelings to sleep in. It still wasn’t quite home, but they’d be able to build more accommodating apartments once they could start expanding into the rest of the crystal mines.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “And over there is where I plan to put our kidnapping victims!”

Before the final battle had broken out, Celestia had said she was only one deed away from being able to turn ownership of the entire mine and cavern system to the changelings.

“Where are we going, Chrysalis?” Celestia asked.

Scarlet: Damn, used that last joke a couple sentences too early.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “To the Fun Chamber!”

SC276: Room 101.

“Just to the last chamber on the right,” Chrysalis answered, the pair needing to take only a few dozen more strides to reach their destination.

SC276: Second star to the right and straight on til morning.

Chrysalis opened the doors ahead of them, then let Celestia head in first before following a few steps behind.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Huh, an open pit, very funnyyyyyyyyyyyy…!”

[Chrysalis] “Isn’t it, though?”

The room was a sight to behold. The walls of the relatively small space were lined with changeling goo.

Topher: [Chrysalis] “Wait, I meant left. This is the men’s room.”

Dozens of small changelings pods dotted the surface of the walls like the sprinkles on frosting, and in the floor were a few large vats of warm, liquid goo. It was a layout Celestia had seen, and as her mind recognized the shape she looked back at Chrysalis, an awestruck smile spreading onto her face.

Scarlet: Hurray new babies an- wait, what? When did she pull that off? She’s their biological mother!

SC276: Dayum, girl, you been busy this last week.

Dark Angel: …wait…did we just skip over the orgy? The one we’ve been expecting for the entire fic?! Talk about a major cock-block!

“Chrysalis, is this what it looks like?”

“It is,” she answered as she came up beside Celestia and looked across the room. “It’s the first brood of the new hive: about two dozen new changelings. This is maybe the one part of our lives where we’re a lot like ponies.

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Except for all the times we shapeshift in order to blend in with ponies.”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “And the swiss cheese legs.”

Dark Angel: [Chrysalis] “And the fact that a single pony doesn’t have two dozen foals at one time.”

We don’t have a larval stage like some would have you believe. The cocoons are our wombs, and we grow a little faster, but when a changeling comes out it’s just about the same size and weight of a pony foal. I’d say it’s a lot cuter too, but then I might be biased.”

Scarlet: Wait so… *brain stops computing and shuts down*

Crazy56U: ...fuck it, I’m lost too, what?

SC276: I followed it just fine, actually. It’s stating that, unlike most bugs even though they’re half-bug, changelings don’t have a larval form like a caterpillar. They also are apparently born slightly more physically developed than ponies, apparently. … Why am I seemingly the only one capable of following this fic’s logic?

Crazy56U: ...you just answered your own question.

Scarlet: SC, you’re a changeling! It all makes no sense!

SC276: Yeah, if I was a changeling, I’d be starving because this fic’s not giving me any love.

Celestia turned and pulled Chrysalis into a hug. The abrupt embrace made some of the sore spots on Chrysalis’s body flare with pain, but she ignored the sharp stabs and hugged Celestia in return. “I’m so happy for you,” Celestia finally said when the two separated.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “I’ll have to get Pinkie to organize about a hundred baby showers now, though.”

“Well, I don’t think they or I’d be here without you. Without this little alliance, I’d have probably been wiped out with the old hive, and I don’t think either one of us want to imagine what would have happened to Equestria.”

SC276: Given the love navigation turned out to be completely pointless since Sombra went to them- oh right the shield thing at the beginning. Forgot about that, I think my brain’s eating itself for sustenance.

Dark Angel: Or just trying to make itself go brain dead to save you from this pain.

Chrysalis smiled as she looked over the pods of her unborn changelings. “I’m really glad I came to the negotiation table that day.”

Scarlet: And what happened to “it’s your fault I got att-”... fuck it. Almost over.

“As am I,” Celestia said, her lips wearing a warm smile similar to Chrysalis’s. “I still can’t stand Discord sometimes, even if he is reformed, but in you I feel like I’ve found a real friend.”

Dark Angel: By the way, WHERE THE FUCK WAS DISCORD IN ALL OF THIS?!! Discord’s power would’ve been a big help in all of this. In fact, Discod probably could’ve saved all of those Changelings that got killed! This all could’ve been ended sooner and we could’ve seen Sunbutt and Bugbutt having sex by now!

“Yes, but... how’d you like something a little more?” Chrysalis asked, her smile getting just a little sinister.

Scarlet: Then she drained Celestia’s love dry and conquered the world THE END.

Crazy56U: They gonna fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

SC276: Do it! Do it! Fucking do it! *reels and slams into the wall*

Dark Angel: DAMNIT! We’ve waited…what…fourteen thousand words for this?

Celestia blinked once then tilted her head a little to one side. “What do you mean?”

Crazy56U: “Fuck” in this context means “have sex”, Celestia, sorry if that confused

you...

“Well, let me be honest, Celestia. When you got yourself drunk on love, I had to siphon off the excess. That let me get a good taste of just what kind of love rolls around in that pretty head of yours. To put it another way, I don’t think the liquid love was the only thing talking when you were complimenting me on my eyes.”

Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “The truth is.. you love the color green!”

[Celestia] *gasps in shock*

SC276: Isn't that the equivalent of looking in someone else’s diary?

“Now, Chrysalis, I was... I had no idea—” Celestia tried to say, only to be cut off when Chrysalis placed a hoof against her lips.

“Yes, I think you are attracted to a particular kind of figure, and I’m honestly impressed you’ve kept your preferences hidden for so long. I would have thought somepony in your precious little kingdom would have realized their dear Princess Celestia prefers mares over stallions, but then again you don’t let your little ponies get that intimate with you.

Scarlet: We’re seriously making a big deal of the “this is a gay ship” thing, aren’t we. Straight authors, why the hell do you keep doing that? It’s not that weird!

Topher: The population has a 3:1 female-to-male ratio. Of course there would be some lesbians.

Scarlet: You do know that’s fanon, right?

Maybe you’re just scared of it, or maybe it’s a lesson you learned once. In any case, we both know that when an immortal loves a mortal, the pain of loss is almost entirely unavoidable. That alone makes me wonder how long it has been since you’ve been held by a lover. In fact, tell me, Celestia, are you virgin?”

Scarlet: Now that’s romantic.

Crazy56U: (in a Wiseau-ian accent) Anyway, how’s your sex life?

SC276: They’re also doing this in the nursery, mind.

Dark Angel: The first memories those Changelings will have of Celestia is of her bangin’ their mother.

Celestia’s face was beginning to turn a bright red.

SC276: Fuck, she’s gonna blow! Get her away from the babies!

She was being read like an open book and couldn’t do anything to stop it. Still, Chrysalis continued, her smile only growing as she continued to look Celestia dead in the eye.

“Now, as a changeling, I don’t put a lot of stock in appearance.

SC276: Has Pen literally forgotten that, as shapeshifters, they put a lot of stock in appearance?

Dark Angel: Well, that’s for disguising themselves. But among themselves, they don’t put stock into their natural appearance.

What attracts me to anybody is the taste of their love and their lips. Now Celestia, I’ve gotten a sample of both from you. I drank of your love that one night, and though it was to save your life, I also got a taste of your lips last week.

Dark Angel: [Celestia] “And I’ve got the scar to prove it.”

Scarlet: And they tasted of battlefield muck and blood, seeing as she’d just been backhanded into an alleyway at the time.

SC276: Neither of which required the mass slaughter of the changeling race.

“So, allow me to be perfectly forward,” Chrysalis said, closing the gap between her and Celestia till their faces were just a breath apart. “Right now, of the immortal mares in Equestria, one is your sister, one is your niece, one is your student, and then there’s me.

Scarlet: Once again, I’m reduced to an anime reference joke.

Crazy56U: And once again, it goes over my head...

I can’t say if anything between us will be more than a passing interest. For all I know, we’ll start driving each other crazy again within a week.

SC276: We drive each other crazy every week, and yet we’re all still here! ...I think someone spiked my orange juice.

Scarlet: Sorry. I wanted to test this free sample of gentle dove water wine cocktail. Apparently this one was from the distiller I had installed over our heads at the start of the riff.

SC276: Wait, how did…? How are we possibly emitting any love right now? We’re bored and angry.

“But I do know this, Celestia.” Chrysalis leaned in even closer, bringing her mouth to the princess’s ear to whisper gently. “When you weren’t breathing, that was the first time I truly feared for something that wasn’t myself or my hive. You’ve left your mark on me, and because of you, my hive and I have a brighter future than we’ve ever had before. Call it selfish, but I think you’re good for me, Celestia, and I want more. That leaves just one question. Are you interested?”

Scarlet: I’m not.

SC276: I think this is the first time it’s taking me nearly the whole week to get my initial riffs out. If that doesn’t say how little my interest is, nothing will.

Dark Angel: It’s not taking me an entire week to get my riffs out. I just came in a few days late. I only had about four days. But considering, I am being pressed to the limit.

Chrysalis leaned back out, her smile widening a little at the dumbfounded look on Celestia’s face. It had probably been centuries since anypony had dared speak with such forwardness to the princess.

SC276: Apparently the rebellions are less common than the fans believe...

Still, the blush on Celestia’s cheeks deepened, and though she tried, she could not look away from Chrysalis. She licked her lips a few times, swallowed once, then licked her lips again.

SC276: Two words, lady: chapstick.

It was the longest Chrysalis had ever seen Celestia struck silent.

Scarlet: Other than that time she knocked her unconscious and imprisoned her in a goop cocoon, that is.

“W-what about my fat ass?” Celestia asked, though her blush only deepened at the flimsy attempt to cut through tension.

“Yes, it is fat, but I never said I didn’t like that,” Chrysalis said as she leaned back in into her personal space.

Crazy56U: Like I said before, Celestia makes the rocking world go round. And

Chrysalis likes that shit.

“I—“ Celestia cleared her throat, trying to regain her composure while, at the same time, not making any attempt to step away from Chrysalis. “I do enjoy your company, and I cannot deny that you have certain traits I do find attractive. I just…

SC276: [Celestia] “Do we really have to do this in front of all your unborn kids?”

would you really want to attempt a more intimate relationship?”

Crazy56U: JUST KISS HER, YOU FOOL!

“One thing I know as a changeling, Celestia, is sometimes the only way to know is to take the plunge.” With that Chrysalis closed the last distance between the pair, pressing her lips against Celestia’s.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, finally…

SC276: Oh my god, that was excruciating.

Dark Angel: IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!

She could taste those lips once more, this time clean and without the oppressing cloud of battle distracting her from the taste.

SC276: Or garbage. Don’t forget garbage.

Perhaps it was a lip balm, or something more natural, but the sweet smells and flavors of a fresh summer day assaulted Chrysalis’s senses as the pair locked lips.

Scarlet: Oh thank god we’re almost over. Please tell me there’s no unrated content I forgot about.

SC276: If there’s not an orgy, I’m going to be even more disappointed than I already am.

They kissed for a few moments before separating, and this time even Celestia was smiling. “Well, I do believe we have an understanding,” Celestia said, finally managing to break eye contact with Chrysalis.

The turn of phrase drew a memory out of the depths of Chrysalis’s mind, causing her to chuckle. “You’re not going to make me sign a treaty now, are you?”

Crazy56U: Well, all it would take is one quick Burger King run…

Celestia couldn’t help but snicker before looking back at the queen. “Well, only if you stop calling me fat ass.”

Crazy56U: I’m cool with that, I think if I referenced “Fat Bottom Girls” one more time, I would’ve gotten shot… ...so, let’s get on our bikes and rid- (BANG)

Lord Shaxx: You got blood on my suit.

Topher: (shoots Lord Shaxx in the head) Only I get to shoot my friends, BIATCH! Or, well, I guess we’ve never met outside of this place, so... colleagues? Co-workers? Fellow POWs?

SC276: That second-to-last one seems about right.

Dark Angel: How about ‘riffing acquaintances’?

=====================================================================

The End

=====================================================================

Author's Note:

Crazy56U: “I’m sorry.”

SC276: WHERE’S MY ORGY?!

If you notice any typos, please send them along to me in a private message. I usually fix them as promptly as I can.

Crazy56U: Uh huh… and what about the other problems?

Scarlet: Thank FUCK, I’m finally finished! This took me longer to force myself through than the last fucking Mykan riff! I can’t believe I suggested this!

Crazy56U: Well, if I had my way, we would’ve riffed on “Sister Dash” instead of this…

Scarlet: Does “Sister Dash” have a giant crystal dragon mecha fight in it? Because I’ll totally endorse it next time if so.

Crazy56U: ...yes it does, my friend. Yes it does…

Scarlet: Just remember, if you lie to me I’ll do terrible things to everyone present. Just. This fic. Nothing works! Nothing! Maybe Crystal Dragon Sombra, and I think that was sheer accident! Three editors, and nobody caught the plot holes of a disappearing army or the awkwardness of placing a good chunk of the ‘humorous’ scenes after a massive attempted xenocide!

SC276: Yeah, this was painful, actually! I can laugh off The Catch. I can cope with Mykan. But this felt like more of an eternity than… nothing, almost! It’s so freakin’ dull. Crystal Dragon Sombra was literally the only decent part. The talking about how Chrysalis came into power just after dealing with the massacre reminds me of a bit from the Nostalgia Critic review of The Last Airbender movie. Speaking of the massacre, it’s the most unnecessary thing; the only thing it directly influences is getting the changelings set up under Canterlot later, and honestly I can’t see any of the ending being all that much different if Chrys and Sunbutt just went to the hive after the party. It was handled so poorly, I couldn’t be bothered to care all that much. Also, liquid love isn’t used enough. It’s just to get Celestia drunk when just plain freakin’ wine would do. We don’t see any of its interesting applications for things outside changeling birdseed. Again, effects of splashing! Key component of aphrodisiacs, maybe! If you’re going to come up with magic mumbo jumbo that’s not in the canon, freakin’ explore it! And don’t claim that they can’t take the thing straight when Chrysalis does the first time it appears!

Scarlet: Speaking of which, I just realized I’ve been drinking your spiked orange juice this whole time and it’s done nothing to me. I feel absolutely nothing, nothing except… hey why’s the room so...big…. *giggles*...and SC’s so… hmmmm...I really love you guys….and if I see you within thirty feet of another living being I’m going to murder all of you in your sleep! *giggle*

SC276: ...So, are you or are you not counting all of us being within thirty feet of each other right now, or do I not want to know?

Scarlet: So you are. Yay, an excuse for a yandere-inspired murder spree! And Topher was kind enough to leave me a machine gun!

SC276: OK, I didn’t want to know. Leaving now before this turns into that alpha that Markiplier played and I got bored of halfway into the episode. *makes a hasty retreat*

Crazy56U: After a point, I just gave up and started skipping around in the story. Fuck, this could’ve been done so much better… Just… ...argh. (pinches bridge of nose)

RingmasterJ5: Wow, it’s been three whole months since we started all this back up. Fallen, did you ever expect it to last this long with a weekly release schedule?

Fallen Prime: Honestly, no. We’ll see how long this goes on for now that school’s a thing again.

RingmasterJ5: True, that’ll be a bit of a factor. But anyway, this week’s fic comes from the same place we got all three(counting the double feature) of our last first-of-the-month fics.

Fallen Prime: Ah, Fanfiction.net. You truly are the gift that keeps on giving, whether we want you to or not.

RingmasterJ5: More specifically than that, shitty fanfics posted there in 2012 that involve human OCs that 75% of the time are trying to fuck canon ponies. For whatever reason this really specific genre brings us some of the absolute worst the site has to offer. This one is a kind I’ve come to know as “boring wish fulfillment with random spurts of insanity”.

Fallen Prime: I looked it up just now so I could credit the author, and I discovered that this mess has a sequel. About his kids.

RingmasterJ5: Which I would have run as a double-feature if it wasn’t one short unfinished chapter.

Fallen Prime: Two, actually. But the sequel’s abandoned, and this fic’s long enough to fill up its own slot without the extra baggage, so we’ll just do the sensible thing and act like it’s not a thing.

RingmasterJ5: The more sensible thing would be to act like both of them aren’t things, but if we did that we wouldn’t be here. But this intro is getting too long, so without further ado, “Baron Silver” by Blackwaterpony.

Chapter 1

RingmasterJ5: Oh, and one last thing… without spoiling it, this fic is misrated. It’s listed as “teen” on FFNet, but… well, you’ll just have to find out yourselves.

SC276: That means there’s going to be sex, isn’t there. Joy.

Dark Angel: My guess is that the rating is supposed to be ‘Mature’, if not ‘Mature Adult’.

Scarlet: Damn it, I left my industrial-strength lube and brain bleach at home! Now I’ll need to circle back before I can join the riff.

Crazy56U: (walks in through a door, carrying suitcases) Back from vacation! (chucks suitcases, dusts hands) What did I mi- oh. ...joy…

Dark Angel: Welcome home, Crazy!

Scarlet: Hey, Crazy! Ready to die slowly? I know I am!

Topher: I’m ready to watch and burn your corpses! and roast weenies on your burning corpses!

Dark Angel: Is that a threat or some kind of fetish?

Topher: Yes.

It was a cold morning in Ponyville, the sun had just risen.

NaturalGlitch: Daylight savings time does that to the sun.

Crazy56U: Celestia’s slacking off on the job again...

Barely any noise can be heard from the resting ponies just waking up to start the day.

SC276: The only sound was the distant screaming of all the people noticing the tense changes.

Scarlet: And presumably the whirring noise as the townsponies reboot.

Crazy56U: So… “Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse”? Is the human visiting Ponyville going to be Santa? ...oh God…

Dark Angel: Santa Hooves?

Topher: No, Santa in Equestria would actually provide some interesting ideas. Imagine how he would react to pegasi!

The sun had just peaked

Crazy56U: In high school?

Scarlet: Oh hell no, I am not going back to High School Mykansical this quickly!

Crazy56U: Uh, I was making a Looney Tunes Show reference, but, okay...

above the trees,

Crazy56U: Oh.

and the grass was wet with morning dew.

SC276: Given how last night went, probably some other things as well.

Crazy56U: ...someone needs to burn the grass…

Topher: *lights a molotov cocktail* On it! *throws the molotov cocktail, which shatters against the fourth wall, setting half the riff… um… place on fire*

Crazy56U: (on fire) AGAIN?! REALLY?!?!

SC276: *grabs a fire extinguisher and starts spraying down the fire* We’re not even past the opening paragraph yet, are you kidding me?!

Dark Angel: That’s what you get when flamers become riffers.

Well, that was for everypony, but one.

RJ: Pub Crawler was finishing up his ‘nightly rounds.’

Crazy56U: My headcanon is that Pub Crawler is Pony!Barney Stinson...

Twilight Sparkle had been up for at least an hour before everypony in Ponyville.

NaturalGlitch: “She was looking for her reading glasses, forgetting that they’re perched on her head.”

Crazy56U: “She was going off on another ‘tardy’ rampage. Town Hall was on fire.”

Dark Angel: This riff has barely left the starting gate, and there have already been two fires! I probably should put the fire department on speed dial.

She was up early, because Spike had been sick the past few days, and kept waking up during the night.

SC276: Could’ve just had her studying, author, but noooo…

Scarlet: Or you could’ve had a scene establishing this instead of condemning it to a throwaway line, or cut the detail altogether if it isn’t significant, or any number of things. But hey, save the nitpicking for when we get really bad, I say!

NaturalGlitch: Looks like Spike read ahead.

Crazy56U: “Spike had read ‘The Ponyville Curse’ and drank himself into alcohol poisoning.”

Topher: OH GOD! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME UP WITH THAT DRINKING GAME! NOW SPIKE IS DEAD AND IT’S ALL MY FAULT! And nothing of value was lost.

Crazy56U: You monster...

Dark Angel: Either that or Starfleet Human. *vomits*

Twilight would get up to care for him when he woke up; being after all he is still only a baby dragon.

Scarlet: The mark of a true editor is knowing exactly which sentences deserve to be murdered for taking up too much space in the story. Would someone please pass me my corkscrew?

Crazy56U: (using corkscrew as a toothpick) In a sec…

Topher: You want I should make another molotov?

SC276: If you set this place on fire again, I’m finding another use for this extinguisher.

Dark Angel: I’m going to go back to my previous comment on this. Is that a threat or some kind of fetish?

Topher: I’m going to go back to my previous answer. yes.

Spike had been out in the Everfree forest during a heavy rainstorm at night.

SC276: What was he even doing in the forest in the first place? It’s the freakin’ Everfree; you don’t go in there unless you have to. Or the plot throws you in there.

Scarlet: Eh, he left his magical comic collection in the Castle of the Two Sisters again. It happens.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Where the heck is that Heart's Desire flower?!”

Crazy56U: Ah, that explains the burnt umbrella in the corner… ...and the scorch marks on Spike…

Dark Angel: In other words, Topher made another molotov?

Twilight wondered why he would even ever think about going out during the storm.

SC276: Hell with out during the storm, lady.

Scarlet: Too early to make a joke nobody else reading will get? Yeah, but I don’t care. BEATORIIIIICEEEE!

Crazy56U: Singing in the rain. Duh.

But Spike was afraid to tell Twilight the reason he went out.

NaturalGlitch: “He ate some really bad chilli and didn’t want to stink up the library.”

Crazy56U: Nah, given how long that chili was in the fridge, I doubt Spike had gas problems…

Dark Angel: Besides, this entire story stinks so bad, who would even know if Spike had gas or not.

Spike had snuck out of the library during the storm because he thought he saw something wondering outside.

SC276: [Spike] “There is something suspicious outside. I should totally go out and confront it head-on like a dumb teen in a horror movie.”

Scarlet: ...My Umineko reference is suddenly more appropriate.

Topher: DON’T GO IN THERE!

Crazy56U: Wait, “wondering”? ...does that mean Spike thought he saw the PBS Idea Channel guy?

Kaijutsu: Spike hates to see ponies thinking about things.

Spike knew that Twilight would have just dismissed him as acting like a fool, and would have just gone on.

Scarlet: And probably lectured him for splitting the party, too.

NaturalGlitch: Something suspicious in the Everfree? Nah.

RJ: (singing) You just went out in the rain into Everfree, tell me whatcha gonna do? Act a fool! Now you're sick as sick can be, tell me whatcha gonna do? Act a fool!

Crazy56U: Bust a move! Wait, wrong song...

Spike knew that when Twilight went out with her friends for lunch he could look at her books and find the one that had many creatures in it.

Scarlet: “Yes! I found it! Twilight’s original copy of the Official Pokémon Guidebook!”

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Here it is—the Mary Sue guide.”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Wait, Journal #3? ...then, where are the first two?!”

Dark Angel: I’ll bet that one of them was probably what was used to make the original Scootaloo Diaries.

Topher: ...well, time to binge-watch Gravity Falls. This’ll be my fifth time around.

Spike had seen the figure to walk on 2 legs, like an adult dragon stands,

SC276: Probably to get over the numeral embedded in the prose.

NaturalGlitch: “It had a very generous sized gut and a forest full of hair on the neck, so maybe it was a new kind of bear.”

Dark Angel: Hey! Don’t try to insert me into this fic!

Crazy56U: Eh, it was probably ManBearPig. No big deal...

but this adult dragon was only a few feet taller than a pony, did not have a tall,

SC276: So, a grande or a venti then.

Dark Angel: Or it could be a Short or a Trenta…what, you didn’t know that there are more than three sizes?

Scarlet: Nah, he’d just gone to a local coffee shop instead. Hipster.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a baseball bat)

and was speaking some of the pony language.

SC276: So do you, buddy. In fact, I’m not entirely sure there’s even different species languages officially.

Scarlet: Unless you’re a breezy, in which case you speak fluent Swedish Chef.

NaturalGlitch: I guess it could be a critter?

Crazy56U: Please, everyone knows that the language barrier is a myth…

Dark Angel: Maybe it’s just a different dialect.

Twilight Sparkle was now leaving to get lunch with her friends.

SC276: In the middle of the morning? Author, you suck at time.

NaturalGlitch: Was it on the other side of Equestria and she needed her adventure hat or something?

Crazy56U: Okay, seriously, another terrible story that fucks with time? Really?!

When the door slammed, Spike had gotten out of bed and looked for the "Book of Monsters and Animals".

SC276: Seems a little tame for an Equestrian book title, actually.

Scarlet: I am still not convinced this isn’t a Pokédex.

Dark Angel: Technically, it’s a Pokédex that was reprogrammed with Equestrian creatures.

NaturalGlitch: “It was next to the book Power Hugs and You.”

Topher: Unfortunately, Spike misread the spine and picked up a copy of The Monster Book of Monsters. The tome sprang to life and ate his face.

Crazy56U: Or, as it’s better known, “Where The Wild Things Are”.

Dark Angel: Hey, don’t say that. There has never been a bad Doctor Suess book. That being said, it’s impossible to insert a Doctor Suess book into this fic.

Crazy56U: (confused) ...Doctor Suess didn’t write “Where The Wild Things Are”...

...what?

Dark Angel: Sorry. Almost any story I remember from my childhood I connect with Doctor Suess.

Spike had found it, but he was only able to find one monster that could fit the description of the thing Spike had seen.

Scarlet: And sadly, he was unable to find its type weaknesses or what routes it was most easily encountered on.

Topher: Was it one of those promotional event-trade only monsters then?

Crazy56U: (pulls out a 3DS) My bet’s on it being a Mystery Gift...

It had not been seen since Discord had his reign of chaos.

NaturalGlitch: Gasp! The creature in the Everfree is an exploding glass of juice!

Dark Angel: Damnit! *presses speed dial* Hello, fire department…

Topher: You know, I bet the Ponyville bomb squad had quite a few false alarms after Discord was released.

Crazy56U: And, of course, when a glass of juice did explode, they thought it was another false alarm and did jack all about it…

The book stated that "It has been thought that Discord had scared away all of these creatures, for they were a peaceful kind".

SC276: Given we know what’s coming up… HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA.

Scarlet: As I’m blind riffing as per my usual M.O., I’ll just prepare myself for a prime slice of delicious stupid.

Dark Angel: I’m always blind riffing, so we’re in the same boat. Considering where that boat is taking us though, we might as well be sinking faster than the titanic.

Topher: Yeah, whoever wrote this must have been pretty dumb if he thought humans were peaceful creatures. I mean come on, I murder people for no reason other than for shits and giggles! (Shoots SC in the head) And I’d say I’m a pretty typical human.

Dark Angel: I consider myself as a protector. But I’d consider myself as a typical human…or was that inhuman?

SC276: You are so lucky I have a hard head.

Crazy56U: (pulls the bullet out of SC276’s head) ...I’m not a doctor, but shouldn’t that still hurt?

SC276: Like you would not believe. Thankfully, over four years of riffing have given me ample time to learn how to scream internally.

Spike did not think that these were nice animals, but it was a madden beast of a race

Scarlet: Those last five words in sequence are beginning to burn my mind out already. And also causing me to imagine werewolf John Madden. I cannot decide whether or not this is a good thing.

Dark Angel: *pushes speed dial* …Yeah, it’s me again…No. This time, Scarlet’s brain caught fire.

Crazy56U: FOOTBALL

that was driven from its home, only to return to everything it once knew being changed and ponies now living in its old home.

SC276: ...What?

NaturalGlitch: Um... (shrugs)

Crazy56U: (looking at iPhone) I keep trying to translate it, but my translator app keeps screaming at me…

Scarlet: That’s because you have it set on “Lovecraftian.” Let me run it through “gibberish”, and- nah, never mind, all I get is “fuck it, I give.”

Crazy56U: You sure about that? I keep getting screamed at. ...maybe it’s because I upgraded to iOS 8…

Dark Angel: I’m gonna try something crazy and try to translate English into English. And I get… “You will all suffer, trapped in the hell that is reading bad fics.” What the hell!?

About 2 hours later, Twilight came home and saw that the book was open on the floor, open to the page about humans.

Scarlet: You know, the point of a plot twist is to make sure it’s unexpected.

NaturalGlitch: (spit take) Oh come on!

Crazy56U: “Included was a plot summary of Equestria Girls. Twilight promptly lit the book on fire.”

Dark Angel: *pushes speed dial* Hey it’s me aga-...Pizza Hut? Wrong speed dial…I’d like to order a large pizza with pepperoni and jalapenos…

NaturalGlitch: (chuckles) Whenever I see someone complain about EG—or Muffins being a canon name— I always think of Chris-chan’s reaction to Sonic’s arms being blue. Not sure why.

Crazy56U: A) I actually like Equestria Girls, I was just making a stupid joke. B) HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO CHRIS CHAN!!!! (punches you in the face… repeatedly)

NaturalGlitch: I wasn’t—ow!—talking about—ow!—you, I was—ow!—making a—blerg! (falls to the ground in a heap) Ugh... (bumbling) If anyone finds teeth laying around, they’re mine…

Toper: Too late! They’re going in the jar! *pulls out a jar full of human teeth, starts scanning the floor*

Twilight shouted "Spike, is you alright up there".

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “I was teaching Sweetie Belle how to do magic and now I’m—gurgle-plex of the mayonnaise—saying weird stuff.”

RJ: Twilight is expanding her linguistics into ebonics.

Crazy56U: I’d make a The Help joke, but I’m not sure how to… (eats a slice of chocolate pie) ...this tastes funny...

Spike replied with saying "Yes I am... I am feeling a lot better too!".

SC276: [Spike] “But all our dialogue has been congested into one paragraph.”

Kaijutsu: [Twilight] “Oh no! We’ve contracted ‘Wall of Text!’ Quick, get my ‘Writer’s Guide’ before we lose all our readers!”

Dark Angel: Actually, we could use something to build the 4th wall back up. And also, what readers?

Crazy56U: [Spike] “I also apparently do not know what contractions are!”

Topher: Oh, god! It’s the dreaded Shyamalan syndrome! ABANDON RIFF! *self-defenestrates*

Dark Angel: *typing* “ABANDON RIFF!” Topher exclaimed. Little did he and his fellow riffers know, they were not on the outside looking in. They were on the inside looking out. They were not riffing bad fanfics, they themselves were part of a greater fanfic.

"Spike what were you doing with this book on monsters and animals?" said Twilight Sparkle in a confused voice.

SC276: Presumably, reading up about monster and animals. Why are you opposed to someone reading again, Ms. Librarian?

Scarlet: “And more importantly, why use the Castle’s library? I have the X/Y edition at home, it’s much more complete!”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Why are you chewing on the books again? If you were hungry, you could’ve said so, silly.”

Crazy56U: Twilight had honestly forgotten that Spike could read…

Topher: [Spike] “Actually, I was looking for another copy of the Inspiration Manifestation, I wanted to see what would happen if I gave it to Discord. I thought it would either do nothing or make some kind of… Super-Discord.”

Spike replied saying "Nothing, why Twilight?" nervously. "It's opened to a page about homosapiens,

SC276: “Homer-statsis?” “Man, to you!”

NaturalGlitch: I’m a hetero-sapien, thank you. ...why is everyone looking at me funny?

Crazy56U: (pats NaturalGlitch on the head) Oh, my sweet summer child...

NaturalGlitch: (blushes) Aww, gee...

which have not been seen here in over 1000 years!

SC276: Neither was Nightmare Moon, but you believed that.

NaturalGlitch: Actually, no, Spike never believed in Nightmare Moon until she appeared. Wait… was this two people talking in one paragraph? DANG IT.

Scarlet: So a millennia ago, Discord banished all the humans? Really? Because I can already think of like five ways to integrate a past society of human beings into Equestria that are more interesting than this. And also provide more opportunities for humor!

Crazy56U: Unbelievable, that the author could have chosen that particular date. It could mean that that point in time inherently contains some sort of cosmic significance; almost as if it were the junction point for the entire space-time continuum! ...on the other hand, it could just be hack writing...

Spike did you see something when you went out that night?" Twilight said shocked.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “I saw some trees and flowers. Does that count?”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “No, Twilight, I didn’t. It’s kinda hard to see stuff at night when it’s dark.”

[Twilight] “(pulls out a baseball bat labeled ‘Home Run’) What did I say about getting snippy with me?”

Scarlet: Did you just reference Eakin’s time loop fics? Dude… dude no. No. No, dude. No. Not in this story.

Crazy56U: You can’t control me. I’ll reference whatever the fuck I want to reference!

Scarlet: I never said I could control you. I just expressed disappointment and pleaded with you not to. Based on previous patterns, the follow-up will be ultimately meaningless threats of violence.

NaturalGlitch: (still bumbling) I can taste the colors...

Spike knew he had to admit what he saw.

SC276: I forgot already, why did Spike keep something like this secret from the person he trusted the most again?

Scarlet: Because- *makes incomprehensible electronic noises*

Crazy56U: Sorry, I don’t speak Italian, what was that?

He knew Twilight would be really mad at him if he kept on lying.

Scarlet: ...When was he lying about this thing again? So far as we know this is the first time he’s actually been asked about it an- fuck it, more to riff, moving on.

Crazy56U: Now Spike, you don’t know that for sure...

Spike, with a deep breath before saying anything said

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] (extremely loud belch) [Twilight, clapping] “Impressive! But I don’t think Rarity would be into that.”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor, consulta el manual.”

"I saw a figure outside of the window and went out to check what it was, I chased it into the forest and got lost, it looked like that monster in the book" Spike quickly let out.

SC276: If you were just going to tell us here, why all of that other stuff?! Stop repeating yourself!

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “I think I saw the Headless Horse!”
Crazy56U: ...I think Spike may be sicker than we thought...

Twilight began to giggle, "A homosapien in Equestria, seriously Spike, sometimes you are just crazy!" Twilight exclaimed.

SC276: [Pinkie Pie] “Hey, who’s getting in on mah cray-cray?!”

Scarlet: “And that’s why I’ve decided to commit you to bedlam. Here’s your straitjacket!”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Like the time you grew antlers.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Well, no offense, but you’ve gone insane Spike…”

Chapter 2:

SC276: Well hopefully the rest of these chapters go by quickly enough.

Scarlet: I’m mostly disappointed by the lack of anything truly ludicrous. Please tell me there’s some kind of terrible murder in the next chapter or something.

NaturalGlitch: Do brain cells count?

Crazy56U: To recap Chapter 1: Spike got lost in the woods, got sick, and then told Twilight he was chasing a mythical creature. CONTENT!

Dark Angel: Wow, the author told in an entire chapter what could be said in a single sentence. That’s actually impressive… in it’s own right.

A few days later even more strange events have been going on in Ponyville.

SC276: The tense changes were fluctuating at a more extreme pace. Soon the fabric of time and space would tear.

Scarlet: Eh, that still sounds like a typical weekend in Ponyville.

NaturalGlitch: “Mayor Mare forgot to dye her mane gray again.”

Crazy56U: (looks up at the sky) ...uh, remind me: is it a good thing or a bad thing when all the stars start going out?

NaturalGlitch: If it's the Kingdom Hearts universe, it's bad.

Dark Angel: I don’t think that being bad is exclusive to Kingdom Hearts.

The Sweet Apple Acres has been stolen from more than once.

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Why would somepony steal a mop handle but not the whole mop?”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Why did somepony steal Big Mac?!”

Topher: [Apple Bloom] “Why did somepony steal my kidney?”

Dark Angel: [Granny Smith] “Why did somepony steal my walker?”

Fluttershy has seen an odd animal around her chicken coup trying to steal her chicken eggs.

Scarlet: ...again, typical weekend in Ponyville.

NaturalGlitch: “Turns out the eggs moved by themselves.”

Crazy56U: As it turns out, it was Pinkie wearing her chicken costume. ...the meds aren’t working as much anymore...

NaturalGlitch: Or maybe. … (gasp!) the costume is wearing her! Dun dun du~un!

Crazy56U: Nah, that would be interesting… Can’t have that here...

Rarity has been having gems taken away in the middle of the night.

SC276: What’s a rampant human trying to stay out of civilization need gems for? It’s not like he can spend them on anything. And if he needs a weapon, the Everfree has rocks.

Scarlet: Yeah, but rocks do, what, 1d4 damage at the most? Maybe he’s putting spells in the gems and hurling them to make massive explosions and I’m describing much more interesting stories than this one, let’s move on.

Dark Angel: Damnit! More fire?! *pushes speed dial* Hello…Yeah, it’s me again…What do you mean you’re not coming to help us anymore?!

NaturalGlitch: [human] “Dur-hur, it’s shiny.”

Topher: Okay, this is getting a little too personal.

Crazy56U: [Spike] “(while running away) I don’t have a probleeeeem!”

Pinkie Pie… well Pinkie Pie didn't notice anything different going on at Sugar Cube Corner.

SC276: I love how only the Mane Six are being targeted here.

Scarlet: Clearly humans have an innate understanding of who the main characters are!

NaturalGlitch: “Ponies were always leaving handprints all over the place. ...wait.”

Dark Angel: [Spike] “Don’t worry, Twilight. When I went looking for that human, Lyra offered to come with me to watch me. Which is strange considering that I didn’t even imply that I need an adult with me.”

Crazy56U: “On the plus side, she had amassed a large quantity of eggs, and she has no idea why!”

Spike was worried that what he thought was a homosapien was coming to Ponyville.

NaturalGlitch: “And he couldn’t find his tux anywhere!”

Crazy56U: “Spike had tried to form a mob to defend against it, but everyone brushed him off. Not because they thought he was crazy, but because the town had used up its pitchfork and torch supply from the last mob a while back…”

Spike didn't even know what a homosapien was or how it acted, no one did.

SC276: Apparently, no remnant of them besides their presence remained to put into that book. I blame the archeologists.

Scarlet: ...didn’t the book explicitly state they were peaceful creatures driven off by the actions of Discord? I mean, it might be wrong, but then- argh continuity bullshit whyyy.

NaturalGlitch: My theory—sleep-writing. Don’t let it happen to you.

Crazy56U: Isn’t that how the script for Project Almanac was made?

Dark Angel: Remember kids. Never drink and write.

Twilight Sparkle made sure Spike did not tell anyone about what he read,

NaturalGlitch: I bet he’s been reading fanfiction.

Crazy56U: Poor damn fool...

even though he really wanted to get it off of his chest

Kaijutsu: The book was surprisingly heavy.

Crazy56U: Best to do it now, before it broke a sixth rib. Spike was going to run out of

them if he didn’t do something...

and to help stop the problems in Ponyville.

Scarlet: “Come on, guys! Just once I wanna beat the villain and save the day! Power Ponies doesn’t count!”

NaturalGlitch: ...King Sombra.

Dark Angel: …The Equestria Games.

Scarlet: Look if this fic can’t keep track of its own continuity, I don’t expect it to take the show’s into account!

Topher: I don’t count walking a few feet and dropping a big, important rock off a tower “saving the day.”

Crazy56U: Besides, in the grand scheme of things (meaning “excluding the comics”), Sombra wasn’t really that big of a threat. Spike needed some real action.

NaturalGlitch: (looks at the other riffers with suspicion) Yeah… sure…

Scarlet: To be fair, Crazy’s spectrum of what counts as a real threat has our previous riff catalogue on it.

Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom were meeting up at school one day before class. They were waiting outside for the other fillies to come.

Scarlet: And yet another person joins my list of authors who don’t know how to use the word “foal” appropriately.

NaturalGlitch: At least he knows Apple Bloom is two words.

Crazy56U: (produces a gold star) Congratulations, Author! You tried!

The Cutie Mark Crusaders saw the bushes shaking around.

NaturalGlitch: “Shaking the bush, boss.”

Crazy56U: “Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Oh, I mean... Bush. Bush. Leaves. Branch. Um... Berries.”

They thought it was the unknown monster that had been stealing things from all over Ponyville.

SC276: Specifically, from two of their sisters.

Scarlet: Interesting process of elimination. “Look, movement! It’s the black beast from the forest! Let us do battle!”

Dark Angel: Was that a racist remark?

NaturalGlitch: (imitates RPG battle theme)

Topher: Roll for initiatives!

Crazy56U: (sets the bushes on fire) ...there, done and done.

Dark Angel: Did you really have to do that after the fire department stopped coming to help us?

Topher: *sniff* I’m so proud of you!

Crazy56U: (shoves Topher into the burning bushes)

They looked at each other and nodded.

NaturalGlitch: “Then they blinked. Then Apple Bloom became a giant.”

Crazy56U: “They then got some hedge clippers and attacked the bushes. There were no survivors.”

Dark Angel: Actually, the one thing that did survive was the bush.

Running into the forest to catch the monster and save Ponyville, and maybe even get their cutie marks as Heroes!

SC276: Great plan, except who would go to a school located right next to the Everfree?

Scarlet: To be fair, Ponyville’s collective self-preservation instinct can be contained within a mason jar. Specifically this one. *holds it up*

SC276: ...Do I want to know how you got that, or…?

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “Should we stock up on potions for healing or buy better gear?”

Crazy56U: Wait, why would they want cutie marks associated with a terrible TV show?

The beast screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE, LEAVE ME ALONE!"

SC276: [beast] “I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN!”

Scarlet: “YOU’RE LYING!” ….aaand there we go. According my contract, one more “When They Cry” reference and I’m legally required to pull off my own fingernails as penance.

NaturalGlitch: [beast] “Your collective adorableness is killing me!”

Crazy56U: [???] “NOT THE FACE!”

and threw the three little fillies off of him.

NaturalGlitch: A whole two feet, even.

Crazy56U: Wow, he must be a threat if he’s capable of shaking off some children...

The monster ran off into the forest. "Well that was awkward" said Scootaloo.

SC276: The entire fic’s been awkward so far.

Dark Angel: I think the author actually had a spell of common sense for a moment and had Scootaloo describe what this fic is before he lost his intelligence again.

Scarlet: Well, there goes our primary source of conflict. Who wants to hold the idiot ball and go run off to bring it back?

NaturalGlitch: Huh. I guess they’re not so easily spooked anymore.

Crazy56U: How was that awkward?

"Yeah he seemed pretty scared" said Apple Bloom.

NaturalGlitch: [Apple Bloom] “Did I forget to put my bow straight or something?”

Topher: [Sweetie Belle] “I don’t see why that’s important. That weird hat he was wearing was completely crooked, like he was trying to tip it off his head or something!”

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Apple Bloom, I really don’t think he cares about your bow.

Since when do monsters care about fashion?”

Topher: Chop off a sea serpent’s mustache sometime.

Sweetie Belle stated "Maybe he is gentle and afraid of ponies?"

NaturalGlitch: [beast] “My head is dying from the cuteness—augirirhaihg!”

Crazy56U: ...the beast is Equestria Girls!Fluttershy?

Suddenly the CMC noticed that their whole class was right behind them

SC276: Ninja class!

Dark Angel: (Insert obligatory Power Rangers: Ninja Storm reference here.)

Scarlet: Well, that would explain the proximity to the Everfree.

NaturalGlitch: [foal] “Did his gut bounce around when he ran or did I imagine that?”

Crazy56U: Some even had bags of popcorn and were upset that the “fight” had ended so abruptly.

wondering why they are in the bushes.

SC276: [Apple Bloom] “Um… lesbian orgy practice!”

Scarlet: *shakes head sadly* Dude… I know the story’s so dry I’m down to obscure reference humor, but we’re way too early to get into the foalcon jokes. And usually in better taste.

NaturalGlitch: It’s a good thing I brought my vomit bucket. Wait—who already used it?

Topher: *whistles in a manner people only whistle in when they’re trying to seem innocent*

Crazy56U: (grabs head) ...uh, guys, what does an aneurysm feel like again? My brain feels funny…

Dark Angel: Let me borrow that. *grabs Glitch’s used puke bucket and vomits in it* I think everyone here has used that bucket…and I don’t think it was used only for puking…

The whole class began bursting out in laughter

SC276: [Sweetie Belle] “Great going, Apple Bloom.”

Scarlet: Okay running with the gag does kind of save it.

NaturalGlitch: I see that the Mary Sue is already influencing the characters, even in riff form.

SC276: Also, Scarlet, obscure reference humor is like half my normal jokes. Git on mah level.

Scarlet: Don’t make me do another Touhou Link.

Crazy56U: Here, did it for you!

at them shouting things like "Trying to catch the thief" "Monster chasing you".

NaturalGlitch: [Snips] “And you’re so cute too! ...I just said that out loud, didn’t I?”

Dark Angel: [Silver Spoon] “Why did you just randomly say that I’m cute?”

Crazy56U: [Diamond Tiara] “Oh, shoot, I wasn’t paying attention, uh… um… ...something to do with blank flanks, I don’t know, I’m not good with improv…”

That was until Cheerilee walked by and told the class that was enough.

Scarlet: Huh, usually when my class shouted “monster chasing you” at me I was being stalked by vampires. Again.

Topher: You were chased by monsters too? mine were usually some form of ghoul.

Crazy56U: I was chased by Scooby Doo villains. IN YOUR FACE!

Dark Angel: Well I was chased by Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde.

Later that day after school a police pony showed up to ask the Crusaders what they had saw.

Scarlet: Well, now we know why they weren’t investigating Applejack’s murder from two riffs ago. See, continuity!

NaturalGlitch: “Unfortunately, the police pony only wanted to be on the force so he could use the siren all the time.”

Topher: Ah, an IDW comic reference! A rare gem indeed!

Crazy56U: B-but I thought the police were a myth…

Topher: They are in America! LOOK AT ME I’M BEING TOPICAL!

Apple Bloom was the first to say what it looked like, but they all had the same view of it.

Scarlet: “Yup, it was definitely a disappointment!”

NaturalGlitch: [Apple Bloom] “It looked like he was covered in some sort of cheese snack dust.”

Crazy56U: [Sweetie Belle] “One look at him made me feel dead inside.”

Apple Bloom started by saying the monster was tall, tan skinned, brown mane, walked on 2 legs, a little bit fat,

Crazy56U: Wait, holy fuck, he actually is fat?!

NaturalGlitch: He could be a competitive eater, I suppose…

Scarlet: That or he swallowed the author’s talent.

Crazy56U: Okay, that’s impossible, and you know that.

Dark Angel: Exactly. If he had swallowed the author’s talent, he would’ve starved to death.

but the thing that was different from Spike's account was that it had wings

SC276: Please let that be an unzipped hoodie. Please.

Dark Angel: Either that or just a cape.

Scarlet: I choose to believe that our monster for the fic is Adam, the slightly pudgy angel!

NaturalGlitch: “He also had a beard you could grow a small colony of ticks with.”

Crazy56U: ...so, it was an angel then? Is this the end times? ...or, barring that, a very bad Supernatural crossover?

and the hair had grown longer. Shocked, the police pony gasped having never heard of such a thing. The police pony knew he had to go right off to tell Celestia about this creature.

Scarlet: “Princess Celestia, come quickly! A magical creature was discovered in Equestria, near the Everfree Forest!”

NaturalGlitch: “He is wearing pants! This is not a drill!”

Dark Angel: “Pants?! No, not pants! He’s going to clothe us all!”

[Rarity] “That’s my job!”

Crazy56U: “We must stop him before he says ‘M’lady’ to some poor unsuspecting pony!”

After the pony had left to tell the princess what was going on,

SC276: That’s gonna be a bit of a run, I think...

NaturalGlitch: [police pony] “Starting...huff...tomorrow...huff...I’m going on a diet.”

Crazy56U: ...uh, remind me, but was it mentioned that the cop was an Earth pony?

Dark Angel: Technically, it wasn’t even mentioned that he was “running”. It just says that he left.

Apple Bloom thought she could go see Twilight Sparkle

NaturalGlitch: Talk about eyes wide shut.

Crazy56U: I wouldn’t know, I never saw that film...

and ask about the creature that she had attacked just earlier in the day.

Scarlet: “For the last time, Apple Bloom, we’re awarding level ups based on progress through the campaign and accomplishing goals! That fight doesn’t get you extra XP!”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “The Prison of Elders is fun, but I don’t really see a reason to go there anymore.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Ah, so that’s where my hedge clippers went!”

Apple Bloom darted off to Twilight's house and slammed on the door screaming "TWILIGHT TWILIGHT COME QUICK!"

SC276: Funny language for someone only telling her now.

NaturalGlitch: [Apple Bloom] “Could you open this door? It lept out in front of me.”

Crazy56U: Apple Bloom tried pulling a Kool Aid Man, but, unfortunately, failed. Tsk tsk.

Twilight responded when opening the door "What is it my little pony?"

SC276: Fuck, the author predicted Princess Twilight like a year early!

Dark Angel: Yeah…but who didn’t? By the time Twilight became an alicorn in the show, there were already like fifty thousand fics where Twilight turns into a alicorn.

Scarlet: Truly, a modern-day Nostradamus. With an accurate prediction. So nothing at all like Nost- I am really terrible at this sometimes.

NaturalGlitch: ...or maybe it was a reference to the talent show episode where Twilight said the same thing.

Crazy56U: (scoff) That’s crazy talk, and you know it.

Topher: Hey, be careful Twilight! If you keep dropping the title it’ll break!

"I need you to help me find out what the monster is!" Apple Bloom shouted.

Scarlet: “We’ve been over this, Apple Bloom. You failed your Knowledge: Nature roll, so now you need to consult an authority figure in character if you want to know more specifics.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(tosses a Pokedex) Here, should be good enough.”

Dark Angel: *singing* I’m gonna be the very best, like nopony ever was. To catch them is my real test. To train them is my cause…

After giving Twilight the description of what the creature was Spike walked down and said

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] (still loudly belching) [Apple Bloom] “You sound like my brother after dinner.”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Fuck, this story is still going and nothing has happened yet!”

"That's what I saw just without wings and it had shorter hair!"

Scarlet: “Maybe you saw the evolved form!”

NaturalGlitch: ...I have a feeling you’re not to far off.

Topher: Five bucks says alicorn-humanoid or super saiyan. TAKING ALL BETS!

Scarlet: That was last fic! For both!

Crazy56U: So it IS an angel!

Twilight sighed and thought to herself "What if a homosapien really did make it back to Equestria;

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “I hope he doesn’t mind the taste of oats and hay too much.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Could make for a story, at least. Whether it’d be good or bad depends on the execution, but…”

I don't think they could stay here after being gone for so long…"

SC276: Twilight, I think you underestimate the human instinct to mate.

NaturalGlitch: I always forget things that happen 1000 year ago when I didn’t exist.

Scarlet: Not even the fourth wall can keep a rabid community from making first contact!

Crazy56U: Twilight is trying to force the story to end early through denial, but clearly that won’t work.

Dark Angel: And we should know. We are always going through denial when riffing.

Now sure of it, Twilight knew it was a homosapien that had come to Equestria.

Kaijutsu: Oh, I see how it is. When Spike says there's a human running around he's

"crazy" but when the CMC say it it MUST be true!

Crazy56U: Yeah, shouldn’t it have been the other way around? Spike is a much more

credible source of info than the CMC! And that says a LOT.

She knew that she would have to get it out of here, and help it get back home before the princess noticed and came to Ponyville and banished him/her, herself.

SC276: Um, why would Celestia just banish something? I mean, if she asks about bananas, then we have cause for concern, but otherwise…

Scarlet: Well remember all those episodes through the show where Celestia puts up with world-breaking levels of shit and doesn’t move to deliberately banish everyone, and also suffers untold levels of guilt for the one time she did send someone to the moon? Yeah fuck them they don’t count, CONFLICT AHOY!

NaturalGlitch: I thought she didn’t have that power because she and her sister aren’t connected to the Elements anymore, which is what gave them the ability to banish people in the first place. Really, Celestia isn’t anywhere NEAR as powerful as the fandom likes to think. If they had the power to stop someone, they would.

Scarlet: ...Issues of character, Glitch, not pragmatism. If you’re looking for continuity between episodes for magic power levels, you’re not going to be a happy camper.

Crazy56U: Okay, look, if I wanted to read these kinds of discussions, I’d read the comments section for the story. Can we please get back to the riff at hand? Who knows, maybe something is about to happen... Besides, Glitch is wrong.

Dark Angel: Maybe this is just another case of Twilight over reacting to something.

Twilight went out later during the night and went looking for the homosapien,

SC276: Yes, Twilight, go searching for the mystery creature by yourself. This really is a horror movie, isn’t it.

Scarlet: No, Twilight! Don’t go into the tall grass!

NaturalGlitch: Yeah—the most powerful Unicorn totally couldn’t handle some 300 pound neckbeard human on her own.

Crazy56U: Well, going by fan fiction tropes, all he has to do is go for the horn and Twilight’s basically defenseless...

but only to find that it was the quietest night since Spike had gotten sick.

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “No more spicy food for you for a while, Spike. Phew!”

Crazy56U: She had grown accustomed to watching TV at loud volumes to drown out the noises Spike had made while he was sick. Most of them were puke noises.

"Maybe he is in the Everfree forest?"

Scarlet: God damn it that’s even worse! Your survival instinct has been exceeded by ten year olds! I just had to downsize my mason jar!

NaturalGlitch: If Applejack, Apple Bloom and Zecora can handle the forest like nothing, then so can Twilight. It’s not like she hasn’t done that before at all.

Scarlet: Cockatrice. Those vines with knockout dust.

NaturalGlitch: You mean those things that happened once? I doubt Twilight is going to stare into the eyes of a snake chicken again anytime soon. If you know what I mean~

Crazy56U: OI! What did I say about discussions?! (slams Scarlet and Glitch’s heads together, Three Stooges style)

NaturalGlitch: Certainly! Whoop, whoop, whoop, nyuk, nyuk!

Scarlet: You don’t own me. But you have caused me pain. I shall now cry. *sobs in corner*

Dark Angel: Of all riffs I could’ve taken part of, I get stuck with the Three Stooges of riffing.

Twilight thought out loud. A calm deep voice from the shadow's responded to her "Who is in the Everfree forest, darling, do you need help?"

SC276: Rarity, now is a terrible time to practice for the masquerade ball.

Scarlet: ~The Phaaaaaantom of the Everfree is theeeeeerrrreee…. insiiiide your miiiind~

Crazy56U: Oh my god, it’s Gerard Butler! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Twilight stood frozen, scared that this might be the monster.

Scarlet: You think.

NaturalGlitch: The smell off the guy must be making Twilight woozy.

Crazy56U: (spraying Febreze) I don’t know what you’re talking about...

Normally Twilight would dismiss this and think it was just another pony, but she had never heard this voice before.

NaturalGlitch: I guess she memorized all the ponies’ voices when they checked out a book or something.

Crazy56U: Twilight secretly created a Pony NSA. Over the course of a few months, she managed to learn the voices of everyone in Ponyville. Along with some… other… things…

Topher: If Twilight memorizes all the voices in Ponyville, Bon Bon must give her a hell of a hard time!

"Well speak up!" said the voice in the shadows.

Scarlet: “Well, I still think it’s the best of the Pixar-” “Speak up, not speak about Up!”

Topher: 2015. Not Inside Out. Plebeian.

Crazy56U: This was made before 2015, friend. Check yourself.

Twilight stuttered and said "Who are you?"

NaturalGlitch: [voice] “I’m Batman.”

Crazy56U: “DARRRRTH VADER!”

Dark Angel: “Twilight, I am your father.”

the voice replied "It seems you do not need my help, goodbye madam." And the being ran off.

SC276: Well that was rude. And pointless. Mostly rude.

Scarlet: Worst. Random. Encounter. Ever.

NaturalGlitch: ...the fuck?!

Topher: Wow, I may have underestimated this guy. He didn’t say “m’lady!”

Crazy56U: Oh god, the plot was about to progress! CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN!

Dark Angel: Can’t have anything happen before the readers lose their minds.

Chapter 3

The night had passed;

NaturalGlitch: It was a bad night to have a curse.

Crazy56U: RIP Night. Luna’s going to be out of a job now…

Dark Angel: Nightmare Sun had finally succeeded in creating the eternal day! All will suffer the wrath of the sunburn!

Twilight had trouble getting to sleep because of the voice.

NaturalGlitch: One of the lamer bosses in MGS3.

Crazy56U: What is it with this story referencing bad TV shows?!

Dark Angel: The author probably did it on a Double Dare.

She wondered what the voice could have been, and who was it.

SC276: Who was phone?

Crazy56U: IT WAS ME, I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP, ALRIGHT?!

"Why would he steal things from Ponyville?" Twilight thought.

SC276: Well, survival was my first thought…

Scarlet: In which case he stole the gems because he cannot live without his sparklies… actually, yeah, I can now relate to this character.

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “He could’ve just asked.”

Crazy56U: My money’s on it being because he has a gambling debt, and needs to sell shit to pay it off. Hence, theft.

Twilight was scared that he could be like Discord and try bring chaos back to Equestria.

SC276: If he is, he’s doing a lousy job of it.

Scarlet: “Well the book explicitly lays out that Discord probably drove humanity away, ergo… THEY ARE ALL HIS MINIONS!”

NaturalGlitch: Well, to be fair, he kinda sorta is about to unleash retarded levels of chaos.

Crazy56U: ...I’m afraid to ask, but “retarded” levels of chaos?

Topher: Yeah, I have to agree with Twilight, Humans to tend to cause chaos. so far I’ve set the place on fire and shot someone in the head, all for reasons that only make sense to me. Has anyone taken care of the fire yet, by the way?

Dark Angel: I tried calling the fire department. But because of all the fires, they stopped taking my calls.

SC276: I got some robots handling that in the background; riffing and fighting fires at the same time was getting to be too hard.

Twilight had an idea; she would go see Zecora later in the day.

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Maybe I can borrow one of her spooky masks and use it to make my scary stories better.”

Crazy56U: Twilight felt the need to get some “special” tea to help her relax, and Zecora knew how to make it just right.

Twilight wrote a letter to Princess Celestia,

Scarlet: “Dear Princess Celestia: Please send help. Have been trapped in this story for three chapters with no sign of logical plot progression.”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “PS: What flavor of cake is your favorite? I’m totally not planning a surprise party for you. Nope.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Dear Princess Celestia: HHHHEEEELLLLPPPP! Your faithful

student, Twilight Sparkle”

Dark Angel: “Dear Princess Celestia: It’s been confirmed that I’m your niece. But I wanted to ask you…HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?!! Do you have another brother or sister somewhere? And if so, how is it that I was born a pegasus and had to earn my way into becoming an alicorn? I mean, I don’t even have an extended life like you do! And I know I can’t be Luna’s daughter, since I was born while she was still on the moon…or am I Luna’s daughter? Luna, are you my mommy? Your sorta niece, Cadance”

NaturalGlitch: Well, according to the books, Cadance was adopted by Celestia to be her niece when Cadance earned the title of Princess and became an Alicorn. Oh, and age magic is a thing.

"Dear Princess Celestia, I think that I found out what is going on in Ponyville no need to worry, but

Kaijutsu: [Twilight] "Completely unrelated question"

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Off topic: what’s the best way to destroy a fedora?”

Topher: Well I had a bonfire handy until SOMEBODY put it out!

Dark Angel: Yes… My sinister plan to prevent Topher’s destruction is a success! And why would you want to destroy a fedora? Fedoras are cool.

Crazy56U: (stabs Dark Angel in the head with a spork)

do you know the last time a homosapien came to Equestria?

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Do they really use their digits for shadow puppets?”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Are all of them fat and have neckbeards?”

Your faithful student Twilight Sparkle".

Dark Angel: [Celestia’s reply] “Dear Twilight Sparkle, I have sent Lyra to check on the issue with this homosapien. Lyra is a great student in the study of anthropology. I trust her fully not to overreact to seeing a human here in Equestria. Sincerely, Princess Celestia (P.S. Stop sending me letters!)”

SC276: [Celestia’s reply] “Dear Twilight Sparkle, one, I expected better penmanship from you; and two, Two, the police guy already got here and told me that. Sincerely, Princess Celestia.”

NaturalGlitch: I am now imagining Celestia in a tuu tuu. (grabs chest and falls to the floor) Hnng!

Crazy56U: (nudges Glitch with a stick) ...nice job, SC276, I think he’s dead…

SC276: Well I just spared him the possibility of further chapters of our current monthly runners, so let’s call it a mercy.

Topher: We shall give him a hero’s funeral. *sets fire to the body, starts roasting weenies* I think my meds might be wearing off, I’m particularly sociopathic today!

Crazy56U: (on fire… yet again) ...I don’t like you…

Topher: Few people do! *proffers a hot dog* weenie?

Dark Angel: Damnit with your fires, Topher…oh screw it. *takes the hot dog*

Twilight went off into the forest with Spike. When they reached Zecora's hut, she was making a brew, it smelled of sugar, rotten eggs.

Kaijutsu: Ah, the refreshing smell of a college dorm room mini-fridge!

Crazy56U: So it smelled like Donald Trump’s toilet, or as it’s better known, “his

mouth”.

Dark Angel: This fic really does stink, doesn’t it?

Spike smelled the best smelling gems coming from Zecora's hut.

SC276: ...Wait, why does Zecora have the stolen loot?

Scarlet: Zecora is a wildshaping druid rogue! The rhyming speech is clearly druidic tradition! It all makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE but I’m going to run with it anyway!

Crazy56U: Oh boy, I think I know what’s about to happen...

Spike stated "Weren't these some things that were stolen, Twilight?"

SC276: Stop reading my mind, fic!

Scarlet: To be fair, some things are so obvious that even this story can’t overlook them.

NaturalGlitch: This is going to be a recurring trend, isn't it?

Crazy56U: (braces self) Here it comes...

Twilight knew Zecora wouldn't steal from Ponyville.

NaturalGlitch: [Zecora] “I did not steal these; some biped brought them with ease.”

Crazy56U: After all, assuming that the only zebra in town was the monster stealing everything would be incredibly fucking racist of her.

A pony walked out of Zecora's hut, Twilight and Spike both in awe at the alicorn, with a long blue mane, huge wings and a horn.

SC276: Oh boy, here we go.

Scarlet: Egads! The fan rage is going to build! Engage full defensive mode!

NaturalGlitch: Turns out it’s just a deformity. The wings and horn don’t work at all.

Crazy56U: ...well… ...at least he’s not black and red...

Twilight and Spike both said at the same time "Another alicorn in Equestria? What!"

SC276: STOP READING MY MIND, FIC!

Dark Angel: I think this fic knew what the readers were going to think, so it just cut out the middle man and said it for us.

Scarlet: I was going to repeat my earlier statement but at this point I’m more concerned with ensuring the integrity of my mobile fortress’s blast walls.

Crazy56U: Uh, wait, when in 2012 was this made again? January? ...fuck, that means the author predicted “A Canterlot Wedding”...

The alicorn responded "You don't remember me, pony and dragon?

NaturalGlitch: [mary sue] “Some trickster super glued an ice cream cone and styrofoam wings on me and I can’t get them off.”

Crazy56U: [???] “Remember me?” Forgive me father for I have sinned...

Twilight Sparkle is what your friends call you; we had just met last night."

Scarlet: The part of the mysterious alicorn will be played by whoever those two Russians are from Rocky and Bullwinkle. “You do not remember me, pony and dragon? Moose and Squirrel are very well acquainted with me!”

SC276: Boris and Natasha, you mean? They’re Pottsylvanian, you uncultured swine.

Crazy56U: I’d contribute, but the only Rocky and Bullwinkle thing I’ve ever seen is… well…

Topher: Twilight Sparkle is what your friends call you, your real name is Kakarot!

Twilight knew the voice was of the man in the shadows, but the man himself looked so much different from what everypony said he looked like.

SC276: If a rug is involved, I am blowing everyone up.

Scarlet: Engage, Mobile Fortress Scarlet! *one long, involved mech summoning sequence later* Okay, SC, I’m ready! Fire it up!

SC276: Shoot on sight! ...of a rug!

Topher: But that rug really ties the room together!

Crazy56U: (confused) ...why would a rug be involved? (picks up a rug from the floor)

I-is this what you guys are talking about?

Scarlet: Targeted Sighted! BECOME SPARKLY THIIINGS!

SC276: No, only the rugs that cause the cursed alicorn prince standing on it to resume their alicorn form from their cursed human form for no explained reason. I actually feel bad that I had to explain my own joke.

Crazy56U: All I choose to get out of this is that I just got a free rug…

Dark Angel: I guess Scarlet will have to use the MF Scarlet later.

Twilight said "What are you doing here?" The alicorn responded with a simple "Don't you already know?"

Scarlet: “Come on guys, seriously? It’s the third rehearsal already! Am I the only one who’s memorized the script?”

NaturalGlitch: [mary sue] “Can’t you read minds like I can? Pshaww!”

Crazy56U: We don’t, stop being so condescending, prick...

Twilight began to stutter out "W-w-weren't y-y-you a homosapien just a day ago?"

Scarlet: You never actually saw him. You shouldn’t know that! Objection! Objection, I say!

SC276: OBJECTION! This fic is objectionable!

NaturalGlitch: Let me guess—he really did evolve and he stole that stuff so he can complete the transformation.

Crazy56U: Or, he’s a shapeshifter...

"Ah yes, I was just a human a day ago, but your zebra friend had helped me fit in a bit more around here, being since I scared everyone I came in contact with away."

SC276: Except apparently the zebra.

Scarlet: “I decided that transforming myself to resemble one of your ruling demigods would be far less intimidating.”

NaturalGlitch: Demigod? He doesn’t look like Discord at all. Then again, he’s pretty much a genie without a lamp.

Scarlet: Ascendant Magical Royalty With Quasi-Divine Connotations is a bit long to write out, and Discord is clearly a sentient Elemental. Pshaaawww.

NaturalGlitch: (inches even closer to the exit) S-sure…

Crazy56U: And Zecora would turn you into an alicorn becaaaaauuuusssseeee… ?

Dark Angel: Because the author did a self insert and is power hungry.

Twilight said "Why did you steal all the items?"

SC276: Steal ALL the items!

Scarlet: “Party rogue, baby. It’s what I do.”

NaturalGlitch: [mary sue] “I accidentally removed all my attributes and was left only with Steal.”

Crazy56U: My money’s still on it being gambling debt-related… (crosses fingers)

the alicorn replied "I meant no harm by it and I will repay it with work."

NaturalGlitch: [mary sue] “I hear there’s an opening in a place called The Rainbow Factory. They want me there as soon as possible.”

Topher: [Mary Sue] “And if that falls through, this pink mare asked me to help her get special ingredients for cupcakes!”

Crazy56U: [???] “I heard that some pony named Cheerilee needs help tending to her garden, so maybe she’ll let me help out… Can’t be that bad, right?”

Dark Angel: “Then there’s the option to assist others to delve into their subconscious minds into Silent Ponyville to assist in dealing with issues from their past.”

"Now let me tell you my story Twilight." The Alicorn stated.

SC276: So important is it, it required starting a whole new quotation altogether even though it’s the same speaker. Also, he never actually said why he stole all the things- I mean items.

Scarlet: Which was a jerk thing to do and will no doubt inspire the party to let him die the moment he wanders five feet away from the group.

NaturalGlitch: His BO would probably keep all the monsters away.

Crazy56U: Still sticking with my half-assed theory…

Dark Angel: Well, even a half-assed theory is five times more assed than anything this fic could produce…

"Where should I begin, with my name… I guess my old name won't work here, so call me Baron Silver."

SC276: He’s in the same kingdom with Baron Wasteland and… huh, could’ve sworn there was a Captain Planet villain starting with “Baron.”

Scarlet: Even if there wasn’t, you could probably just say there was one named “Oil Baron” and nobody would question you.

NaturalGlitch: How about we call him Baron VonSucky Suck?

RJ: Because Duke Gold and Prince Platinum sound too egotistical. And probably taken already.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a notecard with “Title” written on it) Oops. (drops it)

"Now l am from the world of Earth, things are much different there; there is little peace and much war.

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “The console wars were true horror.”

RJ: [Baron Silver] Rock and roll and the Cola wars, I couldn’t take it any more!

Crazy56U: NO! No fire! No more fire! I have been set on fire twice so far, and I refuse to be burned a third time! NO MORE!

Dark Angel: And the fire department won’t come to us anymore.

Silver said with a stern voice.

SC276: To make up for the missing quotation mark.

Scarlet: ...his name is Silver. As OC names go, that’s right up there with Bloodstorm, Shadow, and Nightmare for concepts to abandon at the gate.

RingmasterJ5: It’s no use! ...complaining, we’ve seen these names hundreds of times before and we’ll see them hundreds of times more.

Crazy56U: Take this! (pulls out a bottle of aspirin) I have a feeling that this is going to be necessary...

Continuing Silver said

SC276: [Silver] “I also have no idea what pronouns are.”

NaturalGlitch: I guess his first name changes at random. Maybe he’ll be called PunchMeAlot Silver.

Crazy56U: [Continuing Silver] “Wait, what, where did I come from, where am I, why am I looking at a shitty OC, what is happening?!”

[Silver] “Clam it, you’re interrupting story time!”

"I had the chance to get rid of the problems of my world, and I was sent here.

SC276: Yes, Earth certainly is benefitting from not having you around anymore.

Dark Angel: Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly the case. He sucks so bad that him leaving Earth is in fact helping humanity.

Scarlet: Wait a minute, is this some kind of backdoor Conversion Bureau story?

NaturalGlitch: Teehee. Back door.

Crazy56U: (chuckles) Conversion Bureau...

For the past few weeks I've been a human in the world of ponies." Now flying Silver said

NaturalGlitch: Is he going to be called PleaseStabMe Silver anytime soon?

Crazy56U: I say we give him a different name altogether for the rest of this riff. ...Kevin. Kevin works.

SC276: I actually know a Kevin, so I’m just going to go with the BS name.

Dark Angel: My cousin is named Kevin. How about we call him FuckMe Silver.

"Ah having wings feels good, I've felt like I've had them forever,

SC276: In the context of Twilight getting wings, this is even more hilariously sad.

Scarlet: ...My above riff becomes disturbingly more accurate as this continues. He even transformed with a potion.

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “Don’t ask where my clothes went.”

Topher: [Zecora] “Though it’s rather ill-fitting, soon you’ll all see, how classy my hat is M’lady.”

Crazy56U: (pukes blood) ...thanks for that, really...

but Twilight can you tell me something? What is the mark on your flank, why do I not have one?"

SC276: You’ve been seeing ponies around for awhile, and you’re only now questioning cutie marks? ...And haven’t already asked Zecora?

Scarlet: Maybe he did and she just got tired of speaking with him. Would’ve loved to see that scene: “I hope that you do not find me crass/when I say I don’t care about your blank ass.”

RJ: [Twilight] “Me and Rarity got blitzed one night and I woke up with this tramp stam~ OH, you mean the cutie mark!”

Crazy56U: Well, at least he isn’t a brony. That’s… somewhat better?

Twilight said "It's a cutie mark,

NaturalGlitch: I wonder how many bronies still think the flank is the butt of a pony. My guess is all of them.

Crazy56U: (pulls out $5) I like those odds...

you get one when you find your talent, and you have just became a pony… so I guess you didn't find your talent as a pony yet."

Scarlet: “Which I presume will be appearing from nowhere to rudely offer help to travelers.”

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “Oh~ So I get to hang around some little fillies all~ day~ long~♥”

Topher: [Celesto Grandruler] “There’s only one candyman around here BITCH!” *smites Silver with the force of a thousand pedo jokes*

Crazy56U: So… does this mean he’s going to join up with the CMC? B-because I don’t

like that implication. At all. (shudder)

Now saddened, Silver let out a depressed sigh and said

Kaijutsu: [Silver] “You mean I’m not perfect?!”

Crazy56U: [Silver] “I knew it... I suck…”

"I guess I will just have to find what I'm good at here."

SC276: Five bucks says fucking.

Scarlet: You’re on. I’ll also throw in this complementary alicorn liver!

SC276: It’s a bet!

NaturalGlitch: (vomits out of his nose and ears) Ow.

Crazy56U: ...where’d you get that liver, Scarlet?

Scarlet: It’s in your best interest not to question these things. And mine.

Silver flew off at the fastest speed Twilight has ever seen, or hasn't seen.

NaturalGlitch: “All he did was cover himself up with a blanket, giggling the whole time.”

Topher: Okay, this is starting to REALLY get too personal.

Crazy56U: This is seriously becoming more and more like a Sonic crossover fic. A character named Silver, who is moving around at the speed of sound, it’s shit… I mean, I can’t the only one who sees this, right?

SC276: Eh, I’m not seeing it. Silver is the one hedgehog in the games that can’t move fast, remember? At least not in his debut title; haven’t looked at any of the Rivals series.

Crazy56U: Okay, you got me on the fast thing, but at least my other points are valid, right?

Twilight didn't even see him leave he went off so fast.

SC276: OK. Um. Remember when Lightning did the pirouette thing? Yeah, just… copy my reaction to that here, what was it again? Oh yeah. *head explodes*

Scarlet: I rather wish you’d done that when you weren’t sitting right next to me. *sighs and resurrects*

NaturalGlitch: “Of course, with being so fast and not yet used to his body, Silver crashed into every tree and boulder he came across.”

Topher: *scoops some of the exploded-head-juice into a cocktail shaker, pours in various brightly colored and foul smelling liquids, shakes* Relax, guys! try some of this! it always takes the edge off. *takes a sip* Hmm. too much napalm. And it needs more red dye number-*disintegrates*

Crazy56U: He’s merged with the Speed Force!

Chapter 4

Silver had rushed off into Ponyville so he could start anew.

Crazy56U: ...which we already know… ...we’re not goldfish, you fuck.

Most of the ponies were shocked at the speed of this alicorn, or even that there was an alicorn who wasn't Celestia or Luna.

SC276: See, even they aren’t buying this shit.

Scarlet: So wait, he predicts Princess Twilight by a year and fails to account for Cadance? Nostradamus title, Revoked!

Kaiutsu: Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Princess Cadence briefly feels the faint sensation of dodging a bullet.

Crazy56U: So, it’s been confirmed: Cadance refused to take part in this tripe. Good for her.

The Mayor of Ponyville came out and went up to Silver, "Well who might you be now?"

NaturalGlitch: [Mayor Mare] “I see you also dye your mane silver.”

Crazy56U: [Mayor Mare] “And give me one good reason why I should beat you to death right here and now?”

Silver stated in a clear voice "I am Baron Silver; I've come to live here in Ponyville."

SC276: That’s nice, dear.

Scarlet: “Well who might you be, massive, handsome quasi-deity who is probably royalty and I am thus speaking to in a completely unfitting manner?”

NaturalGlitch: The fandom really needs to let go of this god/deity fanon; all it’s doing is causing trouble and endless made-up bitching from bronies.

Scarlet: As opposed to this story, where alicorns come out of the woods and set up shop in town and the one character most obsessed with royalty (which they do have a clear link to) just sort of goes “Oh who are you, unremarkable stranger”?

NaturalGlitch: See?

Crazy56U: (slams Scarlet and Glitch’s heads together again) You two don’t learn, do you…

Scarlet: No-ho-hoooo…. *returns to sobbing*

NaturalGlitch: Ouchies! ...wait—am I still on fire? I wondered what smelled so delicious.

A trail of smoke and dust still left behind from when Silver was flying

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “Why did I eat all those tacos for lunch?”

Crazy56U: Appropriate music time!

Topher: I CAN AND WILL SET YOU ON FIRE AGAIN.

into Ponyville lead a curious Rainbow Dash down from the clouds.

Scarlet: “God damn it, is that another contrived plot going on down there? Guess I’d better go down and return what awesome I can to the story.”

NaturalGlitch: Oh. So he also knows how to fly right off the bat. I am so shocked, you guys.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Whoever just woke me from my nap is going to enter a world of pain…”

Rainbow Dash said "Whoever just did that, I want to race you!"

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Are you the super secret member of the Wonderbolts—the fabled ‘Retardo’ pony?!”

RJ: [Rainbow] “Let’s get my enviable loss out of the way so I can get back to my nap.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Yes, time to race random strangers, clearly this will end well!”

Baron Silver said with a chuckle "Well now who are you dear?"

SC276: I’m not sure whether it’s refreshing or aggravating that the human doesn’t already know everyone’s names already.

Scarlet: Can we at least settle on the fact that his calling everyone “dear” is obnoxious? It’s like the kind of thing I’d say to an internet troll!

NaturalGlitch: (shrugs) Maybe he’s just really old? It never did specify what age this guy is.

Crazy56U: He’s probably 5…

Scarlet: In that case, what’s to come is even more horrifying than I’d expected.

Crazy56U: ...why do I feel like I made a mistake with that comment...

"Just the most fast flyer in all the Ponyville!" Rainbow Dash boasted.

SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “I also grammar good!”

Scarlet: “Twilight, why are you trying to strangle yourself?”

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Want to see me fly to that hill? Want to see me do it again?”

Crazy56U: The most fast.

"Hmm a race would be fun, just too where would you like to race?" Silver said with a grin. Rainbow Dash said "To the edge of the Everfree Forest and back"

SC276: Which edge? There’s, like, quite a few edges to that place.

Scarlet: Given that it seems to border literally every part of Ponyville in this story, I presume this racecourse will be about a meter long.

NaturalGlitch: It seems like it just a large donut, like every Luigi track in the Mario Kart series.

Topher: Don’t you dare talk shit about Gamecube Luigi Circuit!

Crazy56U: Such edge.

"Very well, I'll give you a head start as I am a gentlepony. Silver replied.

Scarlet: You know in most of the anime I watched when I was a kid, introducing a suave, condescending pretty boy was code for “this guy is the arc villain.”

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “I like to narrate what I say so I can hear my own voice, the insecure bed wetter said.”

Crazy56U: (holds up a quotation mark) Hey, did anyone drop this?

"I don't need a head start!" Rainbow Dash hollered. "Fine then, we will go on the mark of 3 then."

Scarlet: What a pity. I was going to suggest we all go over to “The Sign of Four” instead. I could use some Sherlock Holmes right about now.

Crazy56U: I’d make a Charmed joke, but I refuse to acknowledge its existence...

Silver smirked. The mayor began counting "1…. 2…. 3….

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “Three and a half...”

Kaijutsu: Because the Mayor is instantly the referee of any competition which takes place in front of her. It's the law.

Topher: And Pinkie Pie just happened to drift by in a hot air balloon to give commentary.

Crazy56U: [Mayor Mare] “Eh, I love a good train wreck. Why not take part in this...”

GO" It had seemed as if it was only a second and Silver had returned, Rainbow Dash had just gotten to the forest in the time it took him to get there and back.

SC276: Anyone else getting tired of Marty Stus outracing Rainbow Dash? Like, seriously, do they all have to go so whole-hog on the unbelieveable bits?

Scarlet: It’s actually part of the contractually obligated checklist, along with equaling or beating Twilight at magic and easily dealing with a canonical problem that caused the mane six trouble.

NaturalGlitch: I can’t wait for the pseudo-intellectual vomit this guy will spew and be right all the time.

Topher: *Exasperated Sigh* Alright, Alright. I’ve got one ready.

Crazy56U: Do it again, I wasn’t looking!

When Rainbow Dash returned, she was panting and barely managed to say "Your good" to Silver

Scarlet: *finger guns*

Crazy56U: Well, that’s a lie...

. Silver only said "Why thank you" and began to walk away.

SC276: This is reminding me of that parody Sue fic that RatherHomely did once. Like, seriously, I thought those things were just exaggerating.

NaturalGlitch: “Since he was still in the air, he ‘walked’ right into the ground.”

Crazy56U: Wait, he’s walking on air? ...huh, believe or not...

Sweetie Belle came up to Silver and asked

NaturalGlitch: [Sweetie Belle] “How did I get in the air?”

Crazy56U: [Sweetie Belle] “Would you like to see the strongman?”

"Why do you not have a cutie mark?" Silver shrugged and said "I do not know little filly.

SC276: Given he just outraced the fastest pegasus in Ponyville, you’d think that would trigger something.

Scarlet: “Little Filly”- he’s supposed to be an asshole, right?

Topher: If not, that’s just the “Befriends Everyone” square in Mary Sue Bingo.

Crazy56U: [Silver] “The author is too incompetent to give an actual reason…”

Twilight had finally returned to Ponyville, seeing the mess everything was

SC276: The wind speeds alone had torn four houses from their foundations, and let’s not talk about the statue he went through instead of around.

Topher: MILLIONS ARE DEAD.

Crazy56U: And thus, this became a sequel to “Double Rainboom”...

and how excited everyone was Silver must have just gotten here.

NaturalGlitch: [pony] “He flew so fast my eardrums ruptured!”

Kaijutsu: Only a self-insert could do this to ponies...

Crazy56U: In fact, they were so excited, they didn’t even care that he just destroyed

the town!

When Rainbow Dash had regained her breath she darted off to get to talk to Silver. When she had reached Silver, the first thing she said was "That's the best flying I ever did see, can you teach me how to do that?"

Scarlet: If we know one thing about Rainbow Dash, it’s that she takes losing extremely well. Extremely well.

NaturalGlitch: I don’t know, she was OK about losing to Maud with boulder tossing.

Scarlet: Or has the self-preservation instinct not to continue beef with someone who can create nuclear rock-splosions.

NaturalGlitch: Yeah, you’re right; Rainbow will never grow as a character.

Crazy56U: Hey now, it’s equally plausible that she wants to learn his technique so that she can improve upon it and thrash him the next time they race! ...also… (slams Scarlet and Glitch’s heads together)

NaturalGlitch: (in a daze) I am the king of jelly beans!

Scarlet: I’m just sort of used to it now.

Silver laughed a bit and replied with "I'd teach you if I knew how I did it."

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “All I did was drink gasoline and fart.”

Topher: Yeah, I tried that once. Now I’m not allowed near the gas station anymore.

Crazy56U: Heh, beats the crap out of my method: jamming a fork into a toaster...

Dash was confused how he could not know how he went so fast.

SC276: No, if you’re anything like me, that’s your brain shutting down in self-defense. Also, it’s probably like the Seven League Boots or something.

Scarlet: I tried checking his character sheet, but it just has the words “Plot Convenience” scrawled all over it in glitter pen.

NaturalGlitch: So that’s where I left it. I had to use markers for a while.

Crazy56U: I feel ya, Dash. It’s astounding that he refuses to read the script...

Rainbow Dash had a look on her face, she was deeply confused.

Scarlet: Appropriate reaction to being in this story, my friend.

NaturalGlitch: And like every hack HiE writer, he has to tell us things we already know over and over again.

Crazy56U: (eats some Goldfish crackers) I know, right?

Silver gazed at Rainbow Dash, "Is there something wrong, uh I don't know your name."

Scarlet: What, no “honey” or “dearie”? Come on, if you’re going to be condescending you shouldn’t drop it so early!

"The name is Rainbow Dash" she replied. "Well Rainbow Dash, you are an amazing flyer you do know that."

Scarlet: “As a human who transformed into a demi-god while dwelling in an alien universe and had all my talents handed to me, I have context for knowing you’re amazing because-”

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “You looked so cute following my fart flying style.”

Dash blushed, "Thank you" she responded.

SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, I know I’m awesome, but keep the praise comin’.”

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “And your eyes are so adorable and cute ohmygoodness~” [Dash, in a huff] “I am not cute! I’m awesome!” [Baron Silver] “Awesomely cute?”

Topher: [Baron Silver] “Oh you dirty bitch! work the shaft! Sorry, I just like to talk dirty when someone’s SUCKING MY DICK.” [Dash] “Do you want me to oh great Marty Stu?”

Crazy56U: (pukes on the floor) T-thanks for that...

Dash had just noticed something about Silver that she did not notice before.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “The two first letters in your name is ‘B’ and ‘S’! Ha!”

Silver had horn and wings. "You're an alicorn." Rainbow Dash let out.

SC276: Took ya this long to notice?!

Scarlet: I assume Dash was just trying as hard as she could to imagine she was in a story with a lower bullshit quotient.

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “They’re totally real and I’m not a changeling!”

Crazy56U: She probably thought the horn was a tumor at first...

Silver said "Why is that surprising? Everyone thinks it is the most amazing thing ever." "I guess it's just rare to see an alicorn now." Dash giggled.

SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Like, suspiciously rare.”

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Why is your eye all blue? And what’s with the bug like wings?”

Chapter 5

SC276: At least they’re… short?

RingmasterJ5: Halfway through already… but knowing how much more boring the fic gets it won’t feel that way.

As the weeks passed, Rainbow Dash and Baron Silver had grown fonder of each other,

SC276: OH MY GOD. *slams into wall*

Scarlet: Mobile Fortress, remain on standby. We may need to prep for a world-class nuke yet.

RJ: I have a feeling that ‘ten seconds flat’ is going to take on a whole new meaning.

Topher: OH BOY HERE WE GO.

Crazy56U: … (grabs suitcases) I’m going back on vacation, fuck this. (leaves)

spending more and more of their days together.

NaturalGlitch: “He even gave her a parasprite bikini, but she didn’t go for it very well.”

Silver had noticed that he had fallen in love with Rainbow Dash; she was the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen.

SC276: OK, who’s blindfolding him whenever he’s near Carousel Boutique?

Scarlet: Or Sweet Apple Acres? I mean, come on guys. I’m just saying. *stares at Big Macintosh*

NaturalGlitch: ... (edges closer to the exit)

She was athletic and they enjoyed the same foods, movies and the same music.

SC276: It’s almost like they were made for each other. Or, more specifically, he was made for her.

Scarlet: The last time I read a human/Rainbow Dash romance it was in Xenophilia, there was even less of a conflict and even more of a timeskip, and somehow it was still a hundred percent less bullshit.

NaturalGlitch: And that’s why that is one of my favorite MLP fanfics ever.

Rainbow Dash was feeling the same way about Silver, as Silver felt for her.

Scarlet: So a vague sense of condescending appreciation?

NaturalGlitch: “They even walk on hooves! Can you imagine that?”

Silver had never felt true love before, growing up a homeless child on the streets of New York.

SC276: Yeah, sure, backstory now. Why the hell not.

NaturalGlitch: Did anyone else hear a car crashing sound or was that my brain?

Topher: I’m just wondering why New York? Have you ever noticed that? It’s always New York!

Now Silver could put his past behind him and move towards making his life in Ponyville much better than his life in the city.

Scarlet: And in a perfect world, he’d start by stealing one of Professor Elm’s rare Pokémon!

NaturalGlitch: Wait until he goes to Fillydelphia or Manehatten. He’d probably suffer flashbacks.

Silver had told Rainbow Dash to come to his house tonight to watch another movie.

NaturalGlitch: “It was Headless Horse vs The Shadow Pony. Rainbow was sure the latter was going to win.”

Topher: Nah, Headless Horse all the way!

Silver had never seen a movie or even a T.V. until he came to Ponyville.

SC276: So… what, he was doing his best gentlemen impression? And he somehow lived in New York and never saw a single electronics store? Or movie theater?

Scarlet: Possibly he was an Englishman in New York for the first bit. And under a rock in New York for the second.

NaturalGlitch: There are T.V.s in Ponyville? Makes sense, I guess, but I assumed they used projectors mainly.

There was one thing that Silver did know. He knew his parents hated him.

Scarlet: Overused, boring character trope bingo card please!

NaturalGlitch: Is this going to turn into Jeff the Killer?

Topher: Well, I’ve already set one up for Mary Sues, but sure! Overused character trope bingo! I’m gonna start stockpiling these, have card ready to go whenever the need arises.

He only had one memory of his life with his parents and that was when his mother killed his father when he was 2 years old.

Scarlet: Previous statement retracted. Instead, can I ask why we’re not reading that story? Sounds way more interesting.

NaturalGlitch: “She literally nagged him to death.”

His mother badly wounded gushing blood left him out on the streets to fend for him.

SC276: At age two? Are you kidding me? I’m not sure that’s the right age at the threshold of both young and old when he can intentionally utilize doe-eyes with perfect success.

NaturalGlitch: “And then he was adopted by Batman.”

Later in his life around the age of 8 he got into a gang,

NaturalGlitch: They were a gang of hippies. Nice folk, if a bit smelly at times.

he was robbing stores by age 10, when the gang gave him his first gun.

Scarlet: I’d joke about this, but somehow it’s actually a leap in writing quality from the previous bits.

NaturalGlitch: “Unfortunately, it was a Nerf gun.”

He noticed what he was doing was wrong,

NaturalGlitch: He wanted a super soaker instead.

so he bailed on the gang and went back to living on the streets begging just to get enough money for his food.

SC276: Only a Marty Stu could leave the gangsta life.

Scarlet: I find the fact that a ten year old had a moral epiphany more unbelievable than him being a child gangster, honestly.

NaturalGlitch: He didn’t go to a shelter because...?

Thinking about his past really did make the time fly.

NaturalGlitch: “He’s been staring at a wall. The drool pile by his feet could be used to water trees.”

Rainbow Dash had opened the door to his house.

NaturalGlitch: The wave of stink barreled into Rainbow’s face, melting her nose on the spot.

He knew tonight would be the night that he asked Rainbow Dash to be his girlfriend.

SC276: How long before this turns into a really cheap dating sim?

Scarlet: Well, it doesn’t have an endearingly terrible translation from the original Japanese yet, and there’s only one potential target of affection so far, so we’re a pretty far ways off.

He handed her a ticket.

NaturalGlitch: If it’s a golden ticket, just be careful not to drink or eat anything.

RJ: It’s from the Ponyville PD. They just amassed all the speeding fines into one ticket.

The ticket was for the Wonderbolts race that was sold out a few weeks ago.

Scarlet: Rainbow Dash was so shocked that she accidentally divided this action across two separate, complete sentences!

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “I think my heart just Rainboomed!”

Rainbow Dash was screaming with excitement.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Ah! Spiders! Get ‘em off me!”

Topher: *pulls out a flamethrower* I got ‘em!

Silver asked, "Rainbow Dash, will you go as my date to the race?" Rainbow Dash, still caught up in the moment said "Of course I will!"

SC276: Oh just fuck already!

Scarlet: Seriously! I want some anatomically improbable sex up in this! It’s been so long since I’ve had real hilarity to riff!

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Let me tell you how dating works here.”

It was the time to go to the race, Rainbow Dash and Silver darted off.

NaturalGlitch: “Baron’s house exploded from the act, but he probably will magically make a new one or something stupid.”

During the midpoint of the race Silver, whispered to Rainbow Dash "I want to take this a step further."

Scarlet: “I think we’re ready for adorable couple nicknames.”

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “I shall call you Silver-liver the hug giver, OK?” [Baron Silver] “...it’s perfect!”

Rainbow Dash was flushed, this had been the best night of her life, and now the person who she loved admitted that he loved her back.

Scarlet: And soon her elaborate plan for revenge after his insulting behavior during their first race would be complete.

NaturalGlitch:[Dash] “I’m only going to hug you for four seconds! Take that, Silver!”

After the race, Rainbow Dash and Silver went back to his house to spend the night together and watch some movies.

SC276: ...Does anyone care what Spike’s doing in all this? Like, I think Twilight left him behind in the Everfree last chapter.

RingmasterJ5: No one else matters anymore besides the Stu and Rainbow. ...Well, them and another character in the next chapter.

SC276: *glances a little ahead* … *rams the wall again*

RingmasterJ5: Yeah, it’s one of those fics now as well. Because why the fuck not, it’s no use trying to argue.

Scarlet: I love that both of you guys brought up Spike and nobody’s mentioned the fact that Twilight dropped off the face of the earth pretty much just as quickly.

NaturalGlitch: Or literally everyone else in the story.

Chapter 6

The sun had risen into the next day,

SC276: As opposed to yesterday afternoon.

Scarlet: Hey, at least one thing in this story isn’t terrible and wrong.

the light from the window of Silver's house shined into Silver's eyes.

NaturalGlitch: “Odd, since his room doesn’t have windows.”

Topher: Don’t you hate it when that happens? You’re all comfy, and BAM! the sun hits you right in the face, half your nose crumbles to dust, and you have to drink the blood of like 3 virgins just to get it back.

Silver yawned, with his hoof upon Rainbow Dash's mane.

Scarlet: Idle thoughts of murder swam through his mind, but they were pushed down. He would find another way to pay back his Faustian bargain.

Dash was still sound asleep.

NaturalGlitch: “From the kicks Rainbow was giving in her sleep, she must be dreaming about a fight scene. Silver didn’t mind the few hooks into his face at all.”

Topher: “In fact, he was aroused by them.”

Silver thought it would be a good idea to go get something for him and Dash to eat.

NaturalGlitch: “—since he hasn’t eaten anything for five minutes now.”

Silver would have made the food himself, but he still had not learned how to make any of the pony food.

SC276: You’ve been here how long now?

Scarlet: So implicitly, he sucks so hard at cooking he can’t put together a salad?

NaturalGlitch: Reminds me of my first few days living alone.

Silver got out of bed,

NaturalGlitch: “And ♫brushed a comb on top of his head.♫”

trying not to make any noise.

SC276: But failing terribly. Not being able to be quiet is the one part of him that’s not perfect.

Topher: All he has to do is get through the hall of precariously stacked objects!

Silver began to walk out of his house and head over to Sugar Cube Corner.

SC276: Yeah, don’t even leave a note for your hot-headed girlfriend where you went. Just head out without telling anyone. That won’t leave her in a panic.

NaturalGlitch: Don’t worry; she can track him through his smell.

On his way to Sugar Cube Corner, he saw a young filly on the streets alone.

NaturalGlitch: “She was belting out her favorite song with the volume of her earphones jammed all the way up.”

This filly had been one of the ponies that had attacked him in the forest when he was still a human.

Scarlet: So wait, roving bands of small children go into the forest and attack monsters on a regular basis? I thought we were kidding about the ninja thing!

NaturalGlitch: [Sweetie Belle] “Ha! And they said a hydra would be tough to kill.”

"Hello little pony, why are you out alone so early?" Silver asked trying to be gentle with his words.

SC276: But failed terribly.

Scarlet: “Mommy said if anyone talked to me like that, I should hit them with this tazer!”

The filly looked up at him and said "I'm Scootaloo, don't you know?" said the filly.

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “I’m going to bust some fresh moves all over the place! ...just as soon as I find my scooter. (toothy grin) A little help?”

"Don't I know what" Silver said in a confused tone. "I'm homeless" said Scootaloo and a few tears began to roll down her cheeks.

SC276: If anything about season 5 makes me happy, it’s that it instantly invalidates every single fic where Scootaloo doesn’t have a home.

NaturalGlitch: And it took six years for bronies to figure this out. I bet their flabby arms beat their keyboards in pathetic shame that the show invalidated their shitty headcanon. “B-but the popular fanon! This is worse than genocide!”

Scarlet: I just feel deep shame that I didn’t see this coming as soon as we found out Silver was the Littlest Gangster.

Silver felt that this filly is living the life he had. "Not anymore" Silver said happily.

NaturalGlitch: And that’s when Scootaloo’s parents came by and beat the crap out of Baron Silver, right? RIGHT?

"What do you mean?" said Scootaloo. "Why don't you come and live with me?" Silver asked the filly.

Scarlet: “I foresee no issues with going off to live with a strange, older man wandering the streets at odd hours.”

NaturalGlitch: Especially one that was from another dimension and mutated.

Topher: Wasn’t that an episode of Rick and Morty?

Scootaloo rose up quickly and said "I'd love too; also what is your name?"

SC276: Smooth, criminal. Also, how does she not know already, it’s been weeks, he’s been hanging with her idol, and he should’ve been the talk of the town since alicorn.

NaturalGlitch: Even the ponies in the fic itself find him boring. Wow.

"I am Baron Silver" replied Silver.

Scarlet: If there’s one good thing about this story it’s that this name just works as a punchline all on its own.

NaturalGlitch: You know, just in case we didn’t catch his name before.

Silver and Scootaloo began to walk over to Sugar Cube Corner,

NaturalGlitch: If he invites you into a windowless van, you kick him in the shin and run, Scootaloo.

where Mr. and Mrs. Cake were just putting out the first batches of goodies.

SC276: A basket full of- *KABOOM* ...goodies.

Scarlet: Mobile Fortress activated just in time! I escaped that with only minor singing!

Silver looked around and after being totally stumped on what to buy for Rainbow Dash,

SC276: You’ve been seeing her for awhile and yet you can’t guess what she wants for breakfast? What kind of crap boyfriend are you?

Scarlet: The kind who requires an extended timeskip in order to justify his relationship.

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “Hmm... Red Bull or an energy shot?”

he turned to Scootaloo and said "Do you know what Rainbow Dash's favorite breakfast is?"

NaturalGlitch:

SC276: *collapses laughing* OK, Glitch, that was pretty good.

Fallen Prime: Glitch wins the Riff of the Week Award. The prize is a cookie.

"Chocolate chip pancakes" said Scootaloo.

SC276: Well, can’t argue with that choice.

Scarlet: I can. Because I like waffles! *angrily eats one*

SC276: Well I like both, so…

Scarlet: Silence! There is no middle ground in any conflict on the internet! If you are a fan of a thing you must reject all else! Marvel or DC! Pancakes or Waffles! French or Italian! I was going somewhere with this and- mmm, hey, pancakes!

Topher: *scheming in the corner* Yes, yes, enjoy your pancakes fools, for you do not know the potato-y wrath that shall soon befall you! THE HASH BROWNS SHALL RISE AND RULE ALL OF BREAKFAST! *Starts laughing maniacally as he fries some hash browns over a fire*

Silver had noticed that he had never had breakfast with Rainbow Dash yet.

SC276: And yet Scootaloo had?

Scarlet: Scootaloo hasn’t yet told him that she’s “homeless” only insofar as this is her third time running away from home because her mom grounded her for coming back covered in tree sap.

Silver ordered 2 orders of chocolate chip pancakes and allowed Scootaloo to order her own meal.

SC276: If Scootaloo’s homeless, where’s she getting the money for this food?

Scarlet: ...The more we keep going, the more my above statement gains credence.

Scootaloo asked for an apple pie,

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Applejack and I aren’t on the menu, silly!”

it was rare when Scootaloo would get an apple pie, because she was homeless.

SC276: Well, Marie Callender's apple pie costs about $8 and that’s apparently on the cheaper end, so…

Scarlet: I would presume she usually gets them on a five-finger discount.

Topher: And yet it still had less sugar than your average children’s breakfast cereal.

Now returning home Scootaloo and Silver had had a good morning together.

NaturalGlitch: “Meanwhile, Rainbow just fell out of bed and thinks the blanket is the monster from her dream; it never stood a chance.”

Silver was happy that he could stop someone from going down the same path that he did.

SC276: Aww, but Scootaloo in gang colors holding a little gun would be adorable!

Scarlet: Corrupting the youth should never inspire me to make so many “dawww” noises.

NaturalGlitch: All she would need to do is smile and the attacker's heart would explode.

Silver walked into his room and woke Dash up after setting up breakfast on the table.

NaturalGlitch: “Rainbow couldn’t come up with a cool reason why she was tearing apart her pillow like a rabid dog.”

Dash and Silver walked into the kitchen. Scootaloo was shocked to see Dash here.

Scarlet: “Seriously, Dash? This guy? You could do so much better! I’ve seen some of your other potential ships! You could be banging actual royalty right now!”

NaturalGlitch: ...ew.

Scarlet: You admitted to reading Xenophilia earlier, you’ve lost the right to “ew”.

NaturalGlitch: Hmm... Nah. EW.

"I guess that's why you wanted to know what Rainbow Dash's favorite breakfast was!" said Scootaloo.

SC276: I suppose wanting to know all the Rainbow Dash trivia wouldn’t cause Scootaloo to be suspicious...

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “And here I thought it was only because you’re an idiot.”

Rainbow Dash asked Silver why Scootaloo was here. Silver whisper to Rainbow Dash "She was homeless so I took her in"

Scarlet: “Huh. I, her surrogate big sister and idol, did not know this! And- wow I feel like shit now.”

NaturalGlitch: I just love—LOVE!—how one episode annihilated all the Scoota-buse lovers. Unfortunately, the pedophiles came out of the woodwork after they were done with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. This is surely a great fandom.

Scarlet: I’m sensing a level of contempt and I actually sympathize.

Topher: So far I have set three fires and caused the deaths of multiple people in this riff, and I look down on those guys.

Dash whisper back "That's so sweet of you" and she kissed Silver on the cheek.

SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “So when did you fill out the adoption papers?” [Silver] “The… what now?”

NaturalGlitch: And then Baron remembered he doesn’t know how to write.

Scootaloo went off to play with her friends.

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “Now let’s go bag us a Ursa Major, Cutie Mark Crusaders! It’s the last monster on the checklist.”

Now alone enjoying their breakfast together Rainbow Dash asked Silver how he found out that Scootaloo was homeless.

Scarlet: “You do realize she occasionally tells people that just to see if she can get ‘em to buy her pastry, right?”

NaturalGlitch: Odd that she would go through all that trouble when a smile is all that is needed.

559454__safe_solo_animated_scootaloo_screencap_smile_spoiler-colon-s04e15_twilight+time_cutealoo_eye+shimmer.gif

SC276: OH GOD MY HEART *collapses*

Topher: My god… What’s happening to me? It’s almost as if- yes! the voices are going away! I’ve lost my insatiable urge to kill! I’M CURED BY CUTENESS! Thank you, Glitch! Thank you so much, I can never repay you the kindness you have done for me! THIS GIVES ME AN ENTIRELY NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE!

Silver answered by saying he saw her all alone when he went out to get breakfast for Rainbow Dash and himself.

SC276: Also, he asked.

Scarlet: All aboard the redundancy train! Next stop, reiterating more plot points we’ve previously established!

NaturalGlitch: We all would be done by now if he cut out the fat too!

Rainbow Dash loved the fact the Silver was kind and generous to other people.

SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Like some other unicorn I knew before you came in and snuffed out the rest of my life.”

Scarlet: See my above riff.

Dash wanted to take Silver to see Cloudsdale today, but now that Scootaloo was staying with them, they would have to wait for her to come home.

SC276: I thought you didn’t have a problem leaving people alone when they weren’t aware without leaving a note.

NaturalGlitch: That’s only if they’re sleeping. That’s totally different.

Instead today, Rainbow Dash would introduce all of her friends to Silver.

SC276: It’s been freakin’ weeks or something! How does he not know them already?!

NaturalGlitch: Maybe he spends all day staring at the wallpaper. It’s not like we know what job he has or anything.

Silver had already become good friends with Twilight and some of the other ponies around town,

NaturalGlitch: “He would often get into wrestling matches with the other stallions. He didn’t mind if he lost, if you know what I mean.”

Topher: New outlook on life gone. Kill time now.

but had not spent any time with Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack or Fluttershy.

Scarlet: Holy shit, the entire universe just came back at once! It’s like a miniature big bang!

SC276: ~All the galaxies were born in less time than it takes to sing this song…~

Topher: Fluttershy’s a recluse, so I can believe that Silver never met her. However, I can’t believe this whole time he never once came into contact with any of the three major businesses in ponyville?

Rainbow Dash said she wanted to go out alone for a little bit.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Oh, right, I have a job and friends I like to hang out with! How did I forget?”

Silver need to take a shower and wanted to fix the house up a bit anyway.

Scarlet: “I’ve decided we don’t have nearly enough gang symbols. And we don’t own anything with my face on it!”

Now Rainbow Dash went out to Sugar Cube Corner to talk with Pinkie Pie to hold a party for Silver.

Scarlet: Biggest OOC moment of the story- new alicorn in town and Pinkie wasn’t one of the first to greet him and needs to be asked to hold him a party after he’s already been living in town for several weeks, if not months.

SC276: [Pinkie Pie] “The backlog was getting a bit full with all the other HiE OCs, OK?!”

NaturalGlitch: Poor Pinkie probably had to recalibrate all her parties to accommodate for this guy.

Pinkie Pie said that she would invite everyone to the party, and asked Rainbow Dash to get a long list of party goods,

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Make sure you get the frosting from the back; it’s way fresher!”

Topher: [Pinkie] “And make sure not to skimp on the booze! It’s the only way to make this guy tolerable.”

most of them being found on Sugar Cube Corner. Rainbow Dash thought it would be best to get all the food first.

SC276: If any of it needs refrigeration, you done goofed.

Topher: [Pinkie Pie] “I’m taking care of the food, I just told you to go out and get the other stuff, you never even left!” [Dash] “Wait, we were at Sugarcube Corner the whole time?” [Pinkie] “No shit, Sherlock! I live here!”

Rainbow Dash had to order all sorts of candies, cakes, and other goodies too.

Scarlet: What can I say? It’s not a Ponyville celebration without explosives!

NaturalGlitch: Fireworks; please say it’s fireworks.

Topher: *holding small nuclear warhead* NOPE!

Rainbow Dash noticed that the only other thing that she had to get that wasn't food was balloons.

Scarlet: Author, let’s you and me sit down and talk about “significant details”.

NaturalGlitch: I guess someone else is getting the streamers.

Rainbow Dash had given all the items to Pinkie Pie when she came back.

NaturalGlitch: “Since Pinkie grew up on a rock farm, so has the strength to lift up all the goods on her snout and skipped around.”

Pinkie began to set up for the party and wanted Rainbow Dash to go, so it could be a surprise for her too.

SC276: Because why not.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Well, OK, but—” [Pinkie] “Surprise!” [Dash] “How the heck did you set it all up already?!”

Rainbow Dash went back home to Silver, and had seen that he had fixed his house up to make it better for a filly to live in.

SC276: [Silver] “Can you believe I actually had to lower it all the way to the ground? Wish I knew she couldn’t fly when I saw her.”

NaturalGlitch: I’d just get an elevator or some stairs. Made of clouds, of course, because that’s cute.

Silver had turned the extra room that had been empty since he moved into the house into a room for Scootaloo;

Scarlet: “Your basket’s over there in the corner.”

NaturalGlitch: It turns out the basket has a pocket dimension in it, so Scootaloo has infinite space now.

Topher: Yeah, but the pocket dimension was the same one that Discord lives in. She was eaten by a toaster in her sleep. Silver couldn’t take the guilt and killed himself the following morning. HAPPY END!

he had painted it, bought a bed and some other things to make it the best room for her.

NaturalGlitch: At least he’s not using his Mary Sue powers and making these things appear.

He wanted Scootaloo to have the best life she could have because he never had a good life for himself until he had came into Equestria.

SC276: Somehow.

Scarlet: Nothing can stop the redundancy train! Nothing! *Wooo, woo!*

Topher: Nothing can stop the redundancy train, as it cannot be stopped! This is because it is in fact unstoppable!

Rainbow Dash was starting to figure out that Silver had a rough time growing up,

NaturalGlitch: He could only afford one scoop of raisins for his cereal.

Topher: WHOA! I had no idea people lived in such poverty!

but would never know the extent that it was too.

SC276: The extent of this fic is indeed too.

She knew that he was this nice to Scootaloo because his parents must have never been there for him or something like that.

Scarlet: ...Wait did I just hallucinate that whole bit where he shared his backstory?

NaturalGlitch: Wait—you saw that too?

Topher: I don’t know what you’re talking about. All I saw was this picture. instant, irreversable diabeetus.gif

NaturalGlitch: OH MY GOD SO CUTE—(heart explodes)

Topher: *makes a tally mark on scrap of paper, singing quietly* Another one bites the dust.

It was time for the party, Rainbow Dash asked Silver to come with her to Sugar Cube Corner.

NaturalGlitch: “He got lost and ended up back on Earth.”

When they arrived they were shocked that everypony in Ponyville was able to come to the party.

SC276: I’m not sure how that’s really a shock. Did the author even see the first episode?

NaturalGlitch: I ask that question a lot when we riff these fics.

Scarlet: Better question- did the author ever see the show?

Topher: Worst case scenario, he did, and he’s now trying to fix it.

Rainbow Dash only wanted the people that he did not know to come to the party.

SC276: [indigent Mayor Mare] “Fine if I’m not invited! I’ve got paperwork to do! Didn’t want to go to some silly party anyway!”

It was pretty good at least because he would feel more comfortable around ponies he had already friends with.

NaturalGlitch: “That’s why she used a rope to tie herself up on Sliver’s back.”

Rainbow Dash made sure that Silver met her best friends that he had not already met.

Scarlet: Which inexplicably includes the one pony you literally cannot avoid meeting- god damn it I just hate everything sometimes.

SC276: Orange juice? *offers juice box*

Scarlet: *holds up sake dish* ….s’gonna be a long night.

SC276: *fills it with juice* I hear ya, brother.

Topher: *drinks once more from his cocktail shaker* Ah, a perfect mix! You guys sure you don’t want some? I got the mixture just right, It’s nonlethal 70 percent of the time!

He first met Rarity, who was shocked at how tall he was, and that an alicorn wanted to live in Ponyville.

NaturalGlitch: Rarity was so excited she needed to use the restroom.

897497__safe_rarity_animated_screencap_upvotes+galore_bipedal_frown_wide+eyes_dancing_faic.gif

"Why aren't you living in Canterlot" Rarity asked Silver.

Scarlet: “Not to be rude, but we’d rather like it if you stayed as far away from all of us as equinely possible.”

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “At least until you take a bath first. We can almost see the stink lines.”

Silver replied saying "he I like it here, it's nice and calm in Ponyville" and then began to walk off.

Scarlet: BULLSHIT. DID YOU NOT READ MY TYPICAL WEEKEND GAGS.

SC276: Who does this guy think he is, Lightning?

Scarlet: If that were true, he’d have announced he was nobody’s slave like thirteen times by now. And there would’ve been a monologue about L’cie somewhere. And Snow would be in this story and I would be enjoying it much more for it.

SC276: ...I meant Lightning Dawn, but OK.

He then ran into Applejack and Fluttershy, both of them were having a slice of cake and some punch.

Scarlet: Significant. Details.

NaturalGlitch: But what kind of cake and punch?! TELL US!

Topher: Chocolate and Very Berry Blue.

Rainbow Dash had waved over Applejack and Fluttershy to come over and talk with Silver.

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “And I had to put him down. He was so old and brittle... It was his idea, and he was so sick... (sniff).” [Applejack] “Don’t worry, Fluttershy (pats her shoulder) It was only a game, after all.” [Fluttershy] “I know, but...”

Applejack and Fluttershy at the same time asked "Is that the pony you are always talking about being so great?" Rainbow Dash proudly said "Yes he is."

SC276: [Applejack] “I’ll be honest, Rainbow, the reason we didn’t come see him sooner is because we were sure you were makin’ ‘im up.”

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “And, um, he didn’t make an effort to get to know us on his own...”

"He sure looks strong maybe he can come and help us out during apple buck season.

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Maybe he can scrub up after the little piggies or help us plant trees. It’s not like ALL we ever do on the farm is apple related.”

Topher: Serious question: Ponies are vegetarian, yet they raise pigs in the canon show. For what purpose? They don’t produce milk, so why keep hem around?

NaturalGlitch: To show off how handsome they are at fairs, of course. Such cuties, really. ...what?!

Silver said "I would love to help the ponies here in any way I can"

SC276: [Silver] “Telling you now, though, I can’t do much about all the missing quotation marks.”

Silver was not going to go back on his promise to Twilight to help the ponies in Ponyville because of the stealing he did.

SC276: Which he hadn’t been doing the entire time he was courting Rainbow?

Scarlet: He wasn’t going to go back on it so much as eternally table it. That’s what we call “Politics!”

NaturalGlitch: I think the fic just barfed exposition on us.

Topher: Oh, god! I got some in my mouth!

Silver and Rainbow Dash had ran into the CMC nearing the end of the party.

NaturalGlitch: [CMC] “Cutie Mark Crusaders disk jockeys!” [DJ Pon-3] “Hey, not bad. Wanna start an album together?”

Topher: And that’s how Daft Punk was born.

They told Scootaloo that they would be going home soon.

Scarlet: I think this fic died about a chapter ago and I’m just witnessing its shambling corpse as it drags itself from event to event, trying desperately to bring itself to a conclusion.

NaturalGlitch: Kinda like a Joy mutant.

Sweetie belle turned to Scootaloo and asked her why it is important to be to know that Rainbow Dash and Silver were going home soon.

NaturalGlitch: [Sweetie Belle] “Don’t forget to bring the two-sided axe; we’re going to need it if we’re going to tackle the King of the Monsters.”

Scootaloo told Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom that they had adopted her and that she was homeless before.

SC276: OK. One, why wouldn’t the other CMCs know of Scootaloo’s homeless status before? Like, seriously, they’re best friends, they should’ve known already. And two, why wouldn’t the news she was adopted be like the first thing she tells them when she went to go play with them earlier?

NaturalGlitch: I wonder if Scootaloo used the clubhouse as a home before.

SC276: I’ve read that fic before.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle said that they would of help her get a home a long time ago if she had told them earlier,

NaturalGlitch: That’s when they group hugged, everyone at the party had their heart melt, then everything exploded. The End.

but were still happy for her getting a home. Silver came up to Scootaloo at the end of the party and told her it was time to go home and that he had a surprise for her at home.

Scarlet: Okay, we had enough pedobear jokes last time. I swear to god if anyone jumps on that line I will murder all the things.

NaturalGlitch: I second that.

Topher: Must… not… make… pedo… joke… But It’s practically your specialty! you did tons of them in the last riff! And that was plenty! There’s never too many jokes! *sigh* Excuse me for a minute, I think I need to take a moment to deal with my current mental state, hopefully, I should return to you with one normal personality. *eyes roll back in his head, collapses*

Scarlet: *casually torches him* Just so we’re clear- no more pedobears, but I’m still fine with karmic violence.

Topher: *springs back up, still blazing* [Silver] “We’re going to a special fairyland full of candy, but only my plain white van can take us there!” Now, as long as I’m still on fire, might as well make the most of it. FIRE HUGS FOR EVERYONE! *Hugs Crazy & Scarlet*

When they had gotten home to Silver's house, he led Scootaloo into the old room that had nothing in it.

NaturalGlitch: “He somehow converted a real race car into a bed.”

Scootaloo was filled with joy when Silver turned on the lights.

SC276: Followed shortly by sadness, disgust, anger, and fear. Lots of fear.

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “Everything is pink and frilly! AAAaaahh!”

Scootaloo climbed into her bed and said to Silver and Rainbow Dash "I love you, goodnight Mommy, goodnight Daddy." Rainbow Dash and Silver went to tuck in Scootaloo and kiss her goodnight.

Scarlet: This entire chapter was literally just an excuse for that last sentence or two and I hate it for that with great hatred.

NaturalGlitch: (sniffles) N-no, I’m OK.

Chapter 7

The sun had risen in Ponyville,

SC276: It keeps doing that.

NaturalGlitch: [Sun] “Moon keeps making fun of my weight...”

the town was buzzing with life because it was the day of the Apple farmer's market.

Scarlet: ...because there are so many competing apple farmers in Ponyville who aren’t- never mind, more ground to cover.

Scootaloo was going to sleep over at the Sweet Apple Acre and spend the day with the Apple family.

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “Now we can play the greatest game of D&D! Muahahahaha!” [Apple Bloom] “I hope Big Mac isn’t the Game Master; his dungeons can be too complicated.”

Scarlet: ...New headcanons, formed. Glitch stop doing that! You know damn well the show won’t sustain them!

NaturalGlitch: (sniff) I know... (cries into palms)

Silver and Rainbow Dash were going to go to Cloudsdale for the first time as a couple.

Scarlet: Then why the fuck is a market in Ponyville significant?

NaturalGlitch: Maybe some freak accident happens at the market and Silver and Rainbow might arrive to late to help anyone?! ....pffft, yeah, right.

Baron Silver had never been to Cloudsdale, which Rainbow Dash had told him so much about.

NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “So they make sure all the snowflakes are different? How come?” [Dash] “Snow demons will rise if they’re not.”

Scarlet: We just went over the headcanon thing!

NaturalGlitch: (cries in a corner)

He had wanted to go for a very long time now.

Scarlet: “I’ve heard something about a quaint ‘Rainbow Factory’ establishment. I would dearly love to get a first-person view of it!”

SC276: They never went before even though Rainbow apparently goes regularly as part of her job, I don’t even.

Rainbow Dash led the way to Cloudsdale, whilst Silver travelled right behind her.

SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Stop zooming past me!” [Silver] “Sorry! Instinct!”

NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “I keep smashing into everything! Why can’t I control my speed?!”

About half way there Rainbow Dash flew down the ground, Silver followed. "Is there something wrong, Dash?" Silver asked.

Scarlet: “My entire life has become absorbed with a boy I met not long ago, I just became a mother, and I am flying towards the city where my idols live with not a single one of my ambitions fulfilled. You. Tell. Me.”

NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “...is that a no?”

Rainbow Dash bobbed her head and said

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “This is how we train for the carnival games. Now you try.”

"No." Silver was puzzled why they would stop. Rainbow Dash began to trot down to the stream that was nearby.

NaturalGlitch: ...uh oh.

Rainbow Dash lay down next to the stream and motioned Silver to come and join her.

Scarlet: Anticipation rising?

Rainbow Dash went on top of Silver and began to make out with him.

SC276: Are we at the sex scene yet? Are we at the sex scene yet?!

NaturalGlitch: NOOOOOO!~

It had been only a few days since they had started to date,

Scarlet: And you decided to adopt a kid together? I…. what….

NaturalGlitch: ...

but they have loved each other since the first day that they met.

NaturalGlitch: You know what they say about guys with big horns... They frequently slam it on archways and walls.

Scarlet: As a demonstration, I have thrown Silver into the nearest one. With my mobile fortress. At Mach 5.

When they broke up from the kiss,

SC276: [Silver] “It wasn’t that terrible, was it?!”

Scarlet: I can’t even finish my rant from before because the serendipity of that line saved everything.

Rainbow Dash embraced Silver and whisper to him

Scarlet: “Seven Days-”

NaturalGlitch: Hang on—was there ever a time Silver used his magic for anything? So why have him be an Alicorn then?

Scarlet: Because the author wanted him to have a metaphorical penis in addition to his literal one.

"I love you so much."

Scarlet: I liked mine better.

It was rare for Silver to be told this out of all the times in his life.

NaturalGlitch: If his parents said they loved him as they murdered each other, that...would make for a Criminal Minds episode.

He could count all the times he had been told someone loves him. That was only 2, which had happened within the same 24 hours.

SC276: Wait, she said it again right after?

NaturalGlitch: Rainbow Dash.exe has stopped working.

Silver and Rainbow Dash began flying to Cloudsdale once again. Now after a few hours they had finally reached Cloudsdale.

NaturalGlitch: It was like Cloudsdale was actively trying to avoid Silver.

Topher: [Cloudsdale... um... pilot... guy] “My God! HiE self insert at 6 o'clock and gaining fast! EVASIVE MANEUVERS!”

Silver was impressed with the huge cloud city. He had never seen anyplace as amazing as this.

SC276: He knew Twilight, it was stated that he had been seeing her offscreen, and yet he hasn’t seen pictures of places by now?

NaturalGlitch: He probably fell asleep because the conversation wasn’t about him or Rainbow.

His idea was a city is where a people kill and rob from each other.

NaturalGlitch: “Now he was getting hug-tackled all over the place. He’s not sure if this better or worse.”

Topher: “Soon he would make his glorious, violent idea a reality. All cloudsdale needed was the right push to send the whole place into anarchy.”

He hated living in New York City so much, he was never able to fall asleep at night knowing a gang could come and kill him.

Scarlet: As we all know, the entirety of New York City is made up of juvenile street gangs and rejected broadway actors. And street gangs of broadway actors.

SC276: Which one of those is the Trump empire?

His idea of a city was renewed and it felt great to be able to go to a city without crime going on all the time.

Scarlet: Speak for yourself. I’m hoping for a good old-fashioned mugger to bring a premature end to this story.

The tour of the city was going great, the food was amazing, the sites were beautiful

SC276: The Internet is awesome in the sky!

Scarlet: It’s the power of the Cloud!

NaturalGlitch: ♫The signal in the sky!♫

and the ponies were very kind. It was becoming dark in Cloudsdale

SC276: The sun wasn’t setting, there was just an unnaturally dark fog rolling in that was swallowing all of the light.

NaturalGlitch: Silver must’ve forgot to use the bathroom before coming to Cloudsdale.

and Rainbow Dash thought Silver and she could stay for the night and leave early in the morning.

SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Because fuck our adopted kid.”

NaturalGlitch: I thought Scootaloo was staying with the Apple family for the night.

Scarlet: She was, but would you really abandon a small child to the horrors of Big Mac’s fifth-level geared campaign?

Rainbow Dash and Silver went out to eat at a place called the Romaneian Grill.

Scarlet: Xenophilia did a lot of this “describing the domestic life of the couple” shit too. Only there it was wrapped around a bunch of AU worldbuilding that came up in future chapters. So still dull, but at least that had shiny objects to distract me!

NaturalGlitch: And cute dialog; don’t forget about that.

Scarlet: And food porn, like, that whole scene where Lero cooks dinner. And- yeah the more I describe it the more I realize there are so many more things I should be doing right now.

NaturalGlitch: Did anyone else get hungry just now?

Topher: I’m always hungry! Sometimes for food, sometimes for the blood of my enemies, but always!

Silver did not know at all what to get, so get got what Rainbow Dash was having, hay pasta.

SC276: Is that anything like Hey Arnold?

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Let’s go eat huh?”

The hay pasta was nothing like pasta on earth, but it was still ok.

SC276: [Silver] “This does not look like a noodle.”

Scarlet: [Dash]: “Silver, that’s a hayball. The noodles are underneath.”

It would take some getting used to for Silver to eat the hay food.

Scarlet: Author, you do realize that pasta is made from grain, right? Like, as in, vegetarian? Author? Hello? A- right he’s not listening.

RingmasterJ5: One could almost say… it’s no use.

SC276: Are you going to just keep doing that joke the entire story?

RingmasterJ5: Hey, if I don’t make them, someone will.

NaturalGlitch: Wish I said it.

Rainbow Dash and Silver went to find a hotel that they can stay at.

SC276: Haven’t the tense changes torn apart the fabric of space already?

After about an hour of searching, they found a hotel that had enough vacancy to allow them to stay.

NaturalGlitch: ...OH NO.

Topher: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET’S GET READY FOR SEEEEEEEEEEX!

The hotel was a very bad one, sadly.

Scarlet: This is what passes for conflict so far. I can’t believe I miss the human in the woods storyline.

RJ: The Magic Fingers were only just a pinkie and half a thumb.

NaturalGlitch: “The tenant in the next room suffers from screaming night terrors, unfortunately.”

Silver had a hard time falling asleep but was comforted that the love of his life was so calmly sleeping right next to him.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “SNOOORT-coughzzzz-SNOOORT!” [Silver] “It’s like hearing angels sing.”

When the sun rose Silver woke up Rainbow Dash and they quickly started to head home.

Scarlet: You know, when I got stuck in a cheap hotel room with my significant other, I remember it not being this boring.

SC276: Well they couldn’t do the hanky-panky with all those cloud-roaches staring at them.

Scarlet: Oh, sex aside we discussed story ideas, snuggled, and did like thirty other things. I think Dash and Silver have said more to each other in our riffs than they have in the entire fanfic!

When they had returned home, Silver went straight home because of how tired he was.

NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “I’m tired from all that resting.”

Rainbow Dash wanted to get something for Silver for all the good things that he had done around Ponyville.

Scarlet: Oh, sure! Like the time he… the thing… and Pinkie… well he adopted Scootaloo!

SC276: Yeah, uh, this guy has done pretty much nothing of note for the community the entire story.

Rainbow Dash was puzzled on what to get him for being so good.

SC276: They suck at getting stuff for each other, don’t they.

Scarlet: It’s like if “The Gift of the Magi” was shit.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Hmm... I know! I’ll give him the crystal heart! What could go wrong?”

It finally came to her when she went to pick up Scootaloo from Sweet Apple Acres. She should get Silver a pet.

Scarlet: If this turns into a crossover timeline with “May The Best Pet Win”, I am going to turn the Mobile Fortress on this fanfic.

SC276: Mind if I hitch a ride so I don’t get collateral damage’d?

Scarlet: Of course! I’m using you as my primary source of ammunition.

SC276: I don’t have that many juice boxes on me…

Scarlet: I was sort of hoping your impotent rage would explode if I pointed you in the right direction.

SC276: Ah, fair point.

NaturalGlitch: I wish I could get power from the rage of other riffers, especially when they reference epsiodes. It’s...so...delicious. Mmm...

She knew the Silver had a hard time growing up and probably never had a pet.

SC276: Well he had a dog for awhile, but then it got shanked.

Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo went to Fluttershy's house. "I need to get Silver a pet" said Rainbow Dash knocking on Fluttershy's door.

Scarlet: SC, PREPARE! We shall at least die with-

NaturalGlitch: (sniffs Scarlet’s hair) Yes... Feed me... You’ll be a good looking husk, I promise.

Fluttershy came out and asked "What kind of a pet would you like to get him?" "I'm not sure" said Rainbow Dash. A small puppy wrapped itself around Dash's leg. "I think I found the right one" Dash said with a smile.

Scarlet: Oh. Never mind. False alarm!

SC276: I WAS JOKING!

NaturalGlitch: Oh my god PUPPIES ARE SO~ CUTE~♥

Dash picked up the puppy and began to walk home with Scootaloo.

NaturalGlitch: [EQ Spike] “How the heck did I end up here? And why am I still a dog?”

Chapter 8

SC276: Yeah, Ring was right. That midpoint felt nothing like a midpoint… …~Midpoint ain’t got nothing on the Chiefpoint~

Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo walked in the door with the small golden puppy.

NaturalGlitch: And a titanium kitten.

Topher: And a silver guinea pig, which Baron detested for “stealing his style”.

Rainbow Dash told Scootaloo to stay in the living room while she went to wake up Silver.

Scarlet: This fanfic is planning to bore me to death before I hit the sex, isn’t it.

SC276: Sounds like the dog’s a golden retriever. Maybe it could retrieve a better fic.

Scarlet: Excellent theory. Go for it, small creature! Fetch me a copy of “Five Hundred Little Murders!”

SC276: What will that do? That’s pretty much what this fic’s doing to our brains.

Scarlet: The protagonist hates everything as much as I do right now.

Rainbow Dash climbed on top of Silver while he was still asleep.

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “Um...should I be here for this?”

ScarletWeather: You will give the readers of this riff ideas.

Rainbow Dash pushed back Silver's mane and began to kiss him. Silver woke up to Rainbow Dash making out with him. Not sure of what was going on, Silver broke the kiss.

Scarlet: “Like, what the heck, Rainbow? Showing me physical affection is just weird!”

"I have a surprise for you, Silver" said Rainbow Dash.

SC276: [Silver] “You mean besides waking me up with a kiss?! Usually the guy wakes up to a blowjob!”

Scarlet: Wait, that’s standard? I’m a failure in everything I do!

NaturalGlitch: Is that when you turn on the fan so it can blow in cold air?

Rainbow Dash got up and began to walk into the living room, Silver followed.

NaturalGlitch: His horn getting caught on doorways again.

The small golden puppy was lying down on the couch, and when it saw Silver, it ran straight towards him.

Scarlet: “ALIEN CREATURE! FOUL BEING FROM BEYOND THE VOID! I SHALL VANQUISH YOU IN THE NAME OF EQUESTRIA!”

NaturalGlitch: [gold puppy] “But first I have to chase my tail!”

When Silver was young, his only family was a stray dog, which looked much like this puppy. The puppy ran up to him like it was a puppy from his childhood.

SC276: I WAS JOKING!!

Scarlet: Ssssh. So far that’s the funniest thing that’s happened all story.

NaturalGlitch: ...talk about a plot dump. I feel like this fic is shitting on me constantly.

"What would you like to name it?" said Scootaloo with joy in her tone. Silver said "Scruffy, which was the name of my first dog when I was younger."

Scarlet: “I’m basically void of imagination.”

NaturalGlitch: How great would it be if he names the puppy this?

Silver called up the Ponyville vet and said that he would be coming to get Scruffy his shots.

Scarlet: The fic’s attempt to drown me in mundane details continues, I see.

NaturalGlitch: Fortunately, Scruffy was already an excellent shot.

Silver, Rainbow Dash, and Scootaloo all went out to the vet the next day.

NaturalGlitch: Why not describe the pavement while you’re at it, author.

RJ: Scruffy’s getting rabies inoculation, Scootaloo’s getting dewormed.

Topher: And Silver’s getting neutered.

They had gotten their early because they did not want to stay there for too long.

SC276: [nurse] “Sir, the office isn’t even open for another two hours.”

When Scruffy went into the vet's office to get his shots and was nervous and scared so he tried to run away.

Scarlet: “Foul beast! I know what you seek to do! Even if you drug my mind, my spirit shall never yield!”

NaturalGlitch: Can we get a fic starring this puppy? He sounds awesome.

Silver called out to him in his calming voice and told him that everything would be alright.

NaturalGlitch: Scruffy responded by ripping Silver’s face off.

Scruffy came running right back to Silver.

SC276: Has anyone checked to see if his tongue’s literally made of silver?

Silver picked up Scruffy and gave him over to the Ponyville vet for his shots.

NaturalGlitch: WE. KNOW.

As Scruffy was getting his shots he whimpered and almost ran off of the table that he was placed on to get his shots.

Scarlet: “Is this how it is to end for me, the last of a noble clan of warriors? So it shall be… let them say that on that day, Scruffy died with a hymn of battle upon his lips!”

NaturalGlitch: “Be brave, little Scruffy, like I know you are.”

Topher: “Scruffy gon’ die the way he lived”

The family went out to a park where Scruffy could meet the other pets of the town. At first the family ran into Pinkie Pie and Gummy.

SC276: Pinkie’s latest attempt to take Gummy for a walk via adorable alligator-sized roller skates was only a partial success.

NaturalGlitch: (almost did a spit-take) Sorry—your riff hit me with a heavy dose of adorable.

Scruffy ran up to Gummy and began to sniff him.

Scarlet: “Ah, gator. In you, too, I sense a noble soul shackled and defeated. At least my indignity shall not be borne alone.”

NaturalGlitch: Gummy responds by...blinking.

Pinkie Pie ran up to Silver and asked whose dog that was. Silver responded "It's our new puppy."

NaturalGlitch: CAN SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY?!

"Where did you get it from?" Pinkie Pie asked. "From Fluttershy's kennel" Rainbow Dash said.

Scarlet: ...A kennel is where you keep other people’s dogs or your own when you can’t keep them at home. Fluttershy has a- I’M NITPICKING LANGUAGE AGAIN.

NaturalGlitch: I really don’t blame you, though; this fanfic isn’t really offering much leeway for riffs.

Topher: I haven’t even committed an act of mindless violence for a while!

Fluttershy flew by later in the day after the Rainbow Dash, Silver and Scootaloo went home.

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “I was hoping we wouldn’t be in this fanfic anymore...”

She knocked on the door and asked to come in "Uhm… Uhh… Can I come in?" said Fluttershy.

SC276: Has this author never read a published novel in his life? Like, not even Twilight? Anything that had proper scene structure?!

NaturalGlitch: A brony reading a real book?! PFFFFFFT-AHAHAHAHHAHA! Now that was a funny riff.

Scootaloo let Fluttershy in. She wanted to see how the puppy was doing in his new home.

NaturalGlitch: That’s when the puppy mutated into a secret boss fight, right?! GIVE ME SOMETHING, FIC!!

Scarlet: “This is it! At this moment, I will reveal my true form! By the power of Sirius… TRANSFORM! The Guard Dog of Hell, Golden Scruffy!”

Topher: [Scruffy] “Where are my testicles, Silver? They were removed, where have they gone?”

The puppy ran up to Fluttershy when she called it over.

SC276: [Fluttershy] “As you can see, Herr Silver, he remains loyal to me.”

Scarlet: “Can it be? It can! The true Alpha, she has returned! Glorious one, recognize the danger this creature poses!”

Fluttershy was petting the puppy when she said "I brought over a few things that you will need to keep a puppy happy."

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “I found out a way to put hugs and kisses in a box.”

Topher: If we could put pony hugs and kisses in a box, we could sell it and make millions. I’ve tried testing a few early products, but all I ever got as a response was “Whose arms are those,” “who wants to buy a box of severed horse lips,” and “Aaaugh.”

Fluttershy put down a box filled with things entitled puppy care kit.

RingmasterJ5: Which they will never actually use since the dog is never mentioned again for the rest of the fic. NOW ONTO THE SEX!

SC276: Oh joy. I’mma refill my drink real fast… Double-concentrated orange juice. Truly, I live life on the edge.

NaturalGlitch: Them's fighting words, Ring!

Chapter 9

2 years had passed by now.

Scarlet: *twitch*

RingmasterJ5: Still not as bad as Living the Dream.

NaturalGlitch: Raging diarrhea made of fire is better than Living the Dream.

Rainbow Dash and Silver were engaged and set to get married in the beginning of fall, just a few weeks away.

Scarlet: no i’m fine perfectly fine not a problem at all ha ha ha ha ha ha why.

NaturalGlitch: It hurts.

Scootaloo was away at flight school in Cloudsdale

SC276: [Scootaloo] “Who knew all it took to fly was an alicorn daddy?!”

NaturalGlitch: He probably zapped her wings and—it hurts.

and would be returning home at the end of the summer. It was a warm summer evening, the skyline was turning purple and Rainbow Dash and Silver were sipping on some fancy wines.

Scarlet: Which just proves the author is determined to let any and all sense of character escape him, because even a C-Grade hack would’ve had Dash drinking hard cider.

NaturalGlitch: Can that meme just die already? This piece of shit is pandering enough as it is. And how do you make “hard” cider straight from apples on trees again? And what would be considered “hard” cider for them—salt licks and heavy doses of sugar? It hurts.

Scarlet: You don’t. Why would you make it from the trees when it’s perfectly plausible to- right, fight the real enemy.

Rainbow Dash and Silver were talking over the past 2 years that they have shared and all the good times,

SC276: Which the author saw fit to just glance over because screw actual development.

NaturalGlitch: What? You mean entire chapters of total NOTHING didn’t thrill and amaze you?! Were you not entertained?! It hurts.

as the sun crept down and the moon began to rise.

Scarlet: *produces record player* Alright, I’m ready. Let’s get on the train to pound-town, everyone.

SC276: Going off the trails on this crazy train!

NaturalGlitch: I want to hurt Silver. Hate. For you.

As the sun and the light faded out, Ponyville began to become still.

SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Fuck, the town’s dying again.”

NaturalGlitch: Then a giant rabbit attacked and the town is actually Townsville hahahahaha it hurts.

Rainbow Dash had been talking to Silver about having their own birth child for a few months now.

Scarlet: *stops the record player specifically to produce a scratching noise* Awwwwww, hell naw.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “We’ve been dating for two years; at least let me get to second base.” [Silver] “I’ll get your cooties if we do!” It hurts.

Topher: I get the feeling the author has no clue how sex works.

Rainbow Dash knew that this would be the perfect night for it.

NaturalGlitch: She even found a snake to bite his shaft so the poison will keep it erect. I hope it hurts.

Rainbow Dash whispered to Silver "Tonight is the night, Silver; I want to have a baby."

Scarlet: Did we really need to skip to babies as a justification for sex? Was this written by a struggling Catholic?

SC276: I’m not Catholic, but I know I’m certainly struggling right now.

NaturalGlitch: I want Silver to struggle with breathing right now. I want him to hurt.

Topher: Kinky!

"Are you sure Rainbow?" Silver asked. "Yes I am, let's go." Rainbow Dash said with joy.

NaturalGlitch: Unfortunately for Silver, Rainbow had too much Joy to drink, so while they were having sex, she mutated into an abomination and murdered Silver. The walls will never stop being red. It did more than hurt.

Topher: Kiiiinky!

Silver and Dash began to make out on the doorstep of Silver's house.

NaturalGlitch: They stumbled through the doorway. Rainbow was impaled by Silvers horn. That didn’t stop Silver.

SC276: OK seriously Glitch, do you need medical attention or something? You’re sounding like one of those RPG Maker horror games.

NaturalGlitch: Or a bad creepypasta. Let's just say my name fits me all too well sometimes.

Topher: Meanwhile, the filly scout on the porch selling cookies watched with both horror and the early stirrings of arousal. This event would mess her up for life... somehow. I don’t know, everything hurts.

Rainbow Dash opened the door and they were still kissing. They continued to kiss as they walked into their bedroom.

SC276: I’ve never really understood how a kissing couple can maneuver perfectly around the house like that.

Scarlet: GPS. And trails of roses.

Silver pushed Rainbow Dash onto the bed and began to stroke her mane as they resumed kissing.

NaturalGlitch: Their mouths had enough and lept off their faces, running off into the night.

Silver began to hoof (finger, not fisting)

Scarlet: …*raises hands into the air* Oh Lord, thank you for your magnificent bounty. That parenthetical is perfectly incompetent. It’s beautiful.

Rainbow Dash. Dash was already moaning. This was Silver's and Dash's first time having sex.

SC276: Uh yeah, we kinda figured that.

RJ: Ah, that explains why Silver is ramming it into Dash’s ear.

They were both virgins before today.

SC276: Uh yeah, we kinda figured that.

Scarlet: Yes, we get it, previously virgins, straight couple, doing this shortly before a wedding for the sake of procreation. Jesus loves ‘em, continue fucking.

NaturalGlitch: ...aww!~ That’s kinda sweet.

Scarlet: Also one of them is Silver.

Topher: And now everything is terrible again.

As Silver started to go faster with his hoof, the more Rainbow Dash would moan,

NaturalGlitch: —in pain. [Dash] “Ow ow ow! A hoof can break through rock like nothing! Why would you put it there?!”

it would get to the point where she was screaming until he stopped.

SC276: And he we come to the most something part of the Marty Stu: always the best lay.

Scarlet: “OH GOD WHY ARE YOU PUSHING A HARD, SHARP OBJECT AGAINST MY SENSITIVE GENITALS”

NaturalGlitch: See? Scarlet gets it.

Topher: This is why you use a safeword, kids!

Rainbow Dash began jerking the penis of Silver, as he slowly became erect.

Scarlet: I… I’m not sure how I even make this funnier. Beyond imagining that Rainbow rips his penis off by mistake and just sort of gently puts it back into place with a sheepish expression.

SC276: How is she even jerking it? She has no hands!

NaturalGlitch: Has ANY brony seen what a hoof looks and feels like?! Oh, right.

SC276: I actually took horse-riding lessons once. Not sure how, but I did.

Scarlet: I actually own goats. They are evil bastards. So yeah, I know exactly what a hoof feels like.

NaturalGlitch:

Once he was erect Rainbow Dash began to lick his penis head, slowly at first.

NaturalGlitch: What head? Unless it has similarity with a human’s penis, there wouldn’t be any kind of head on—it hurts it hurts it hurts.

She began licking faster and faster, and when she could not go faster, she put the penis head in her mouth and began to suck on it.

Scarlet: Truly, this author has experienced many blowjobs in his lifetime. Many. Completely authentic ones.

NaturalGlitch: Stallions get their pleasure from squeezes, not sucking. ...Dirty Jobs has ruined horses for me.

After awhile of sucking on the penis head she began to suck on the shaft going deeper and deeper until she began to gag.

Naturalglitch: ...how is that erotic, again?

Scarlet: Conservation of arousal. Unless one partner is feeling extreme pain in some fashion, the other one can’t get off!

When she had gag she would pull up and repeat, she did this about 6 times.

SC276: I can do it! I can do it six times!

Scarlet: They’re virgins, right? Because it takes practice to do that, an- I’m going to stop now before I reveal more about my sex life than I really should.

Now that they had finished having foreplay,

SC276: Clearly he has no hair trigger.

NaturalGlitch: But actual horses do. But don’t tell a clopper that.

Silver flipped over Rainbow Dash into a doggy style position.

Scarlet: It’s like this author’s entire experience of sex comes from browsing porn fic!

SC276: Probably also with a scattering of porn pics.

Silver slowly put his dick into Rainbow Dash making sure not to be too fast and hurt her.

NaturalGlitch: Well, I will say it’s rare for these fics to have the guy actually give a shit about the mare he’s fucking. ...what the fuck did I just write?!

Scarlet: A sad truth. Although the cynic in me wants to point out that it happens, it’s just that in many of these stories the mare is magically just into whatever Stallion Von Iron Penis happens to be doing.

Rainbow Dash screamed "Put it in my already!"

SC276: Your what now?

and that is what Silver did.

Scarlet: How?

Silver jammed his penis into the wet vagina of Rainbow Dash.

NaturalGlitch: Rainbow flexed her inner walls and in about 20 seconds Silver climaxed. The End.

Scarlet: He can’t get pseudo-human anatomy right. I’m not holding out for him understanding livestock sex.

Rainbow Dash screamed because she had never had anything this big in her pussy.

SC276: I don’t wanna know about the next closest thing.

Scarlet: Presumably his hoof, earlier.

NaturalGlitch: OW.

Silver slowly began to thrust his dick in and out of Rainbow Dash.

NaturalGlitch: The only thrusting you see stallions do is to get their shaft inside. After that, they don’t move a muscle, but the mare sure does. And I hope the knowledge rots your insides as it did mine.

Slowly he began to get faster and faster until the point they were both screaming and moaning in joy.

Scarlet: Many great authors have described the beauty and eroticism of sex, but none have done so with such grandeur as this.

NaturalGlitch: The end of the stallion's penis flares up when he’s close to being done, so if he did thrust, he’d either get stuck or tear something. I hope your penis tears off, Silver.

Rainbow Dash began to have an orgasm, she was about squirt and Silver kept fucking her regardless of the fact that she is about to cum.

Scarlet: ...That’s the idea. You’re not supposed to stop right before orgasm unless you’re both really into- god damn it, story, stop failing at sex!

NaturalGlitch: Did you know that mares have great muscle control, closing up tighter than astronaut food, even when they’re “in the mood”? So every rape pony fic is impossible! YAY YAY YAY IT HURTS WHY.

Rainbow Dash began to squirt, Silver loved the feeling of wet pussy juices on his dick.

SC276: Dear god, I’ve written better passion scenes than this and I’m terrible with emotion.

Scarlet: Silver loved the taste of buttered toast in the morning. Silver loved doing his taxes on time. Silver loved devouring the flesh of live ponies.

NaturalGlitch: How else would he get his powers?

Rainbow Dash flipped Silver over and began to ride his dick.

NaturalGlitch: Breaking Silver in half in the process.

Rainbow Dash was bouncing on his dick.

NaturalGlitch: Silver’s gut doubled as a trampoline.

Silver felt that this was the best sex position and he had the most pleasure from it.

SC276: Because he’s not actually doing anything?

Scarlet: Actually, it’s because he realized he could now rename his penis “the pogo stick.”

NaturalGlitch: I can’t tell if that ripping sound is Rainbow’s vagina or my mind.

He was moaning more than Rainbow Dash was. Silver was about to cum, he screamed out to Rainbow Dash to prepare.

SC276: PREPARE YOUR ANUS.

NaturalGlitch: That’s for the sequel.

Rainbow Dash began to bounce faster and faster in a short period of time which made Silver cum even faster

Scarlet: My only regret is that we can’t find a way to accompany this with a Half-Life 2: Full Life Consequences style video.

NaturalGlitch: The writing in that is too good for this doc.

Chapter 10

SC276: ...That’s it? It’s over? Just… like that? No post-coital cuddles or anything?

RingmasterJ5: SC, don’t you get what just happened there?

SC276: The most boring mating scene ever?

RingmasterJ5: Close. The author finished, and so did the chapter.

SC276: ...Ah.

Scarlet: *applause*

It was the week of Rainbow Dash and Silver's wedding.

NaturalGlitch: They had to go to the vet and give Scruffy his shots.

Scootaloo was returning home from flight school. Rainbow Dash had been pregnant for about 4 weeks now.

SC276: Assuming human reproduction cycle because honestly what else, that… actually seems like still too short a timeframe to plan a wedding.

Scarlet: Weddings aside, I’m going to just take that parenthetical about “hoofing” from earlier and hold it in my mind every time this story mentions something inane from here on out.

NaturalGlitch: This fic makes me want to hoof it out of here.

Rarity was working on Rainbow Dash's dress for her wedding

SC276: You waited this long?

Scarlet: To be fair, would you rush marrying off your best friend to Silver?

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “Now it’s time for the annual 134th dress check up time.”

and Silver went out to Canterlot with Twilight to pick out his suit.

Scarlet: “Hey, Rainbow? Don’t be too disappointed if I get back and Silver’s mysteriously vanished.”

NaturalGlitch: He’d be too busy telling ponies what flavor of ice cream he liked and how he never had any in New York to make it on time anyway.

Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were having a day out talking about how her time at flight school was.

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “There was some moron trying to convince me about how a factory uses—wait, I feel like I told you this already.”

Silver was going to be returning home tonight. Silver and Twilight were just about get back to Ponyville.

SC276: Jack was running. Run, Jack, run.

NaturalGlitch: The tux was way too tight and the tailor insisted Silver had to be the pincushion for his own suit.

When Silver and Twilight and finally returned, Twilight felt that something was off in Ponyville,

NaturalGlitch: Please let it be the Everfree attack and Silver dies.

she couldn't put her finger on it, but it just wasn't the same.

Scarlet: There’s something wrong with the world today- and it is the fact that I am reading this story instead of bettering myself.

SC276: Well I got some of my homework done earlier, so I’m good on both counts.

Silver went back to his home to catch up with his daughter after not seeing her for a few months.

NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “Huff...how did she get faster than me and Rainbow combined?!”

Silver ran into his house and the first thing he did was go up to hug Scootaloo,

NaturalGlitch: And pet Scruffy, right?

Scarlet: That dear creature is too beautiful for this story. Go forth, Scruffy. Adventure in my dreams. Be the hero I know you are!

after they broke the hug he went to kiss Rainbow Dash.

SC276: Don’t you know it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding? My only solace is that this marriage is secretly cursed.

Scarlet: Trust me, if I can get this ritual I’m working on right, it won’t even be “secretly”.

Rainbow Dash and Silver began to make out for about 3 minutes and then they broke the kiss.

Scarlet: “Silver, would you quit timing us everytime we do this? It kinda kills the mood.”

Silver took out Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo to the dinner so they can have a meal and talk about what had happened over the past few months.

Scarlet: Ah yes, “the dinner”. It’s across the street from “the breakfast” and uses the same facilities as “the lunch.”

NaturalGlitch: Maybe they can go to “the restaurant” and order “the food.”

Topher: Oh, man! That place is the best!

Back at Twilight's house she was trying to figure out what was going wrong or if she was just being paranoid.

NaturalGlitch: A gash formed in the sky because Silver stayed there for too long? Please?

Spike and Twilight were looking up what this feeling could mean in books.

Scarlet: “I don’t know what it is, but I think I’m hooked on it!”

After a few hours of trying to find out what it was Twilight was ready to give up.

NaturalGlitch: She read the first few chapter of this fanfic, trying to make sense of it.

Twilight thought it would be best to tell Celestia that she has a feeling that something bad will happen soon.

SC276: [Twilight] “I’m still surprised she hasn’t investigated the super-fast alicorn from another dimension that showed up like two years ago.” Granted, that’s probably what Secret Agent Bon Bon is for…

Scarlet: The bugbear incident’s already happened by this point. She’s been Burned. Also, why is there no Burn Notice crossover with this character yet?

NaturalGlitch: Because bronies are still using the same memes and ideas from 5 years ago to try anything new and interesting.

Scarlet: Okay I know that, but secret agent.

Celestia promised to come to Ponyville, and she wanted to see the wedding anyway.

NaturalGlitch: She promised not to cry this time.

Luna and Celestia were in Ponyville by the next day.

Scarlet: Wait a minute. I sense shenanigans.

NaturalGlitch: Luna brought the tissues for the inevitable “sister is so happy she gets the sniffles” moment.

The days were flying by to the wedding. It had seemed as if the past 2 years have gone by in the matter of hours.

SC276: Yeah, that’s pretty much what it feels like how long this fic’s been.

Silver and Rainbow Dash were going to be married tomorrow.

NaturalGlitch: “I will now count the hours and minutes until it happens. 23 hours and 58 minutes. 23 hours and 57 minutes...”

Silver knew that he would finally be free from his past and this would be his new life. Little did Silver know that over 700 years had passed on Earth in the time that he was on Earth.

Scarlet: ...I see we’re playing by Narnian rules.

NaturalGlitch: Gee, wouldn’t of that been interesting to hear about before?! NOPE GOTTA GO TO THE VET TO GIVE SCRUFFY HIS SHOTS.

During the past 700 years on the world had changed very much.

NaturalGlitch: “They finally invented a way for people to talk on their cellphones without it pissing other people off.”

Science had advanced to the point where they were testing dark matter as a fuel for the planet.

Scarlet: What.

SC276: Bowser beat you guys to it by 703 years or so, science.

Silver didn't know how he got to Equestria, but he went into a dark matter portal that he was unable to see because dark matter in its raw form cannot be seen.

Scarlet: This reads like someone trying to write a sci-fi version of Kingdom Hearts and failing.

SC276: How could the dark matter portal form if it took 700 years to harness it?

NaturalGlitch: (eye twitches) It hurts.

The majority of humanity that was on still on Earth had died in a dark matter power plant being blown up in a battle.

NaturalGlitch: “The battle of PS 3234 vs Xbox 2341 was the catalyst of the end.”

The Earth was coated in a dark layer and the sun was blocked out.

Scarlet: You know, as insane as all this is I can’t help but feel like I would’ve wanted it to show up several chapters back when the story was trying to strangle me with dullness.

This was not the end of humanity, because the humanity had changed Mars into another Earth by the time this happened.

SC276: Terraforming - totally possible in 700 years.

Scarlet: Well, if nothing else, I take solace in the fact that this story takes place during the Universal Century. Come, Mobile Fortress Scarlet! We must do battle with Char once more!

NaturalGlitch: Ah, so the Traveler visited this dimension as well.

The dark matter portal in New York City was still there and dark matter had been leaking into it for the past few weeks,

NaturalGlitch: New York city was still a thing 700 years in the future?

causing the bad feeling that Twilight had.

SC276: Wait, the approaching dark fog- I WAS JOKING!!!

The day of the wedding had come, which was going to be a sunny day. When everyone woke up it was raining hard.

NaturalGlitch: (sly grin) Heh. This doesn’t hurt.

Twilight began to worry that something really bad was going to happen today.

Scarlet: I admit I didn’t predict this. Well played, God of Shenanigans. Well played.

Rainbow Dash tried to clear the clouds, but they would not move. No one was able to clear the clouds.

NaturalGlitch: “Not even Fluttershy could convince the clouds to move.” [Fluttershy] “Please?” [clouds] “No!”

They set up a tent over where the wedding was going to be to keep everything from getting rained on.

Scarlet: Wait you’re holding the wedding? Everfree weather could be spreading in! The apocalypse is upon you all! Wh- fuck it, I wanna see where this is going.

SC276: This wasn’t in town hall where the donkey wedding took place?

Scarlet: Written in 2012. Hadn’t been canonized yet.

SC276: I know, but still, when a real-life wedding is rained out, what’s more likely: the guests in expensive and most likely dry-clean-only tuxes and dresses raises a large tent in the pouring rain, or everyone goes inside?

NaturalGlitch: (grins more) Heh heh.

Twilight went up to Celestia and Luna. "Princesses I think something very bad is going to happen here today" said Twilight in a very worried tone.

Scarlet: “Twilight, that’s like the fifth time you’ve said this.”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “And yet nothing is happening to stop it!”

The wedding had begun, as the wedding went on more and more people started to feel the same feeling that Twilight had been having.

Scarlet: And were equally hooked on it!

RJ: Yes, but are we also high on believing?

NaturalGlitch: They’re just now noticing Silver’s smell.

SC276: Now that they’re stuck in a tent with him.

The wedding was just about to vows and a dark portal started to form in the sky, but no one noticed it because of the tent.

SC276: Literally everyone was attending the wedding. Including the scientists that should’ve been trying to figure out what the hell was going on here.

NaturalGlitch: They were probably devoured by the sliver of portal before it gashed open. Heh.

As the portal slowly got bigger it started to make noises. These were the worst noises that you could ever hear.

Scarlet: Insert dubstep and/or country music joke here.

SC276: If we’re lucky, it’ll condense into the Negativitron.

NaturalGlitch: [portal] “♫I’m in love with the coco!♫”

Twilight was the one who was paying the most attention to them.

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “No one can see this?! Really?!”

Twilight stepped out from under the tent and saw the huge portal about to suck in the tent.

Scarlet: ...Did the author watch Melancholia right before writing this?

NaturalGlitch: Like there’s a single creative bone in this author.

Twilight screamed for everypony to get out the tent.

SC276: Yes, get out into plain view of the giant vacuum portal! Twilight continues to live in a horror movie!

NaturalGlitch: Would you prefer if they stayed right under the portal as it sucked the very thing that was above them instead?

SC276: Well I stopped really caring about the well-being of everyone in this story a while ago, so… yeah.

The ponies began to get out of the tent and look up into the sky. The sky was dark and the portal sucked in the tent.

NaturalGlitch: Now that is what I call a plot hole.

Celestia and Luna began to cast magic into it, but with no luck it only grew bigger.

Scarlet: God of Shenanigans, your wrath is great and confusing! Praise be unto ye!

NaturalGlitch: Was the portal powered by blue magic?

Celestia and Luna knew that the only way to close this portal was from in the inside.

NaturalGlitch: “It said so in the comic book.”

Who would go into the inside? Twilight would have gone, but she could not fly.

Scarlet: Aaaand so much for the Princess Twilight prediction. That’s minus two against you now!

Only Celestia, Luna, and Silver could go into it.

SC276: Let me guess. Heroic sacrifice of Marty Stu, too good for this sinful earth and all that.

NaturalGlitch: ...YES.

Silver was the first one to say that he wants to go into. Celestia and Luna would protest to this because he was going to get married today.

NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “The wedding cake was coconut anyway.”

Silver knew that he caused this somehow,

SC276: You literally have no way of knowing that, orphan-boy.

NaturalGlitch: He probably goes through life blaming himself for everything.

and he told that to Celestia and Luna in private.

Scarlet: “I should’ve known! The puppy knew the whole time! My presence is breaking reality!”

SC276: Son, I coulda told ya that!

Celestia and Luna knew that they could not stop him now. Silver went up to Rainbow Dash and told her that he would never come back from what he was going to do.

NaturalGlitch: “Silver tried not to fathom why Rainbow was cackling.”

He began to kiss Rainbow Dash for the last time.

Scarlet: The Yoko Curse, Dash. I’m sorry you have to bear it. It’s alright though, this just means you’ll get to trade up!

He made the most of this kiss because he knew that he would never be able to do it again.

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “Use more tongue or something! You’re going to die for her; make it romantic!”

Rainbow Dash began to sob a bit. Silver broke the kiss and began to fly into the portal.

Scarlet: Presumably accompanied by this music.

Rainbow Dash told him to stop, but he would not stop.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Please?” [Silver] “No.” [Dash] “OK.”

Now in the portal, he was seeing all of the memories of his life.

NaturalGlitch: Oh no! The fanfic is starting over! It’s a mobius strip! Nooo!~

He began to cast a closing spell on the portal as it closed quickly.

SC276: Which then fizzled out as he realized he had done no magic in this entire fic and had no idea what the hell he was doing.

NaturalGlitch: It turns out there was a button inside the portal that read, “Press this to close.”

Now that he was no longer in Equestria, but not on earth some of the potion stopped working on him. He became a half human half pony.

RingmasterJ5: Oh fuck we’re back in Starfleet Humans again aren’t we oh god no

SC276: How could a potion half wear off?

Scarlet: Presumably this is when he pulls out the drill he took from his leader’s mecha and smashes through the- look, I just really want to be watching Gurren Lagann instead of finishing this!

NaturalGlitch: So...he became a centaur? [Silver] “...not bad.”

He could not use his wings or horn to cast magic.

NaturalGlitch: He could not use his hoof to do the prancy dancy.

Scarlet: *idly tosses a hoof up and down and whistles*

He could only look into Earth and Equestria. He was stuck here in a limbo forever, only to watch the love of his life.

SC276: Gheeze, couldn’t you have just killed him? No wait, that would be a mercy for him.

NaturalGlitch: If he becomes Tirek, so help me I’ll...cry, I guess?

Scarlet: I’d actually give that one points for Best Worst Idea.

RJ: Uatu’s going to be pissed when he finds this guy doing his job.

Topher: No, He doesn’t become Tirek, I think… just left to float in the void, and wonder… Will Scruffy get his shots?

Back in Equestria, Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were crying madly as the rain started to pass.

NaturalGlitch: They wanted to jump in the puddles.

No one walked up to them because they needed to be alone; they had just lost the best pony in their lives.

Scarlet: Look, author, best pony debates are futile but I think we can all agree that Baron Silver does not make anyone’s list.

NaturalGlitch: My favorite is the cute one with the mane and tail.

Scarlet: Eeeeee! Mine too!

Rainbow Dash was very depressed and furious at the same time,

SC276: That’s gonna be a red and blue memory right there.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Now I’m all preggers with no husband? Typical!”

when Scootaloo was just broken.

SC276: And not just in the wings.

Rainbow Dash was crying, but furious that Celestia and Luna did not go.

SC276: [Luna] “Excuse me, but we raise the main celestial bodies on this planet, while he just lounged around and kissed you all day.”

NaturalGlitch: I’m guessing Rainbow is just too sad and mad to think properly here.

She wondered why that one of them did not go.

SC276: [Luna] “See previous riff.”

Scarlet: “Because he was an hero, Dash. Accept his passing.”

Luna walked to up her and tried to comfort her. Luna told her what she had been told by Silver.

NaturalGlitch: [Luna] “He...put the screw...in the tuna.”

Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash only began to cry more.

RingmasterJ5: And that was Baron Silver, or as I like to call it “an experiment to see if a fic with only four insane moments in a sea of boring can sustain a full riff”. Thoughts, you two?

Scarlet: I resent you. The only reason I’m still lucid is that the ending accidentally reminded me of a scene in a mecha series.

SC276: The fuck was that ending. Like, seriously. That whiplashed so fast I think I’m actually feeling neck pain. Slice-of-life Stu shenanigans and suddenly threat to the world? It’s like this author was trying to find a way to make this tragic in a last-second attempt to make us care.

Scarlet: The ending? At least the ending was a story. What the hell was that whole middle? It was designed to sap away the reader’s joy and reason with every line. If any story violates Vonnegut’s First Rule, this is the one. This fic exists to waste time.

RingmasterJ5: Oh, and remember that two-chapter abandoned sequel starring his kids that Fallen mentioned?

SC276: Kids? Like, plural? Were they twins or something?

RingmasterJ5: Yes, but I looked further into it, and guess what? It was going to be a goddamn Dragon Ball ripoff.

SC276: Oh like we need another one. Wait, original Dragon Ball or Z again?

RingmasterJ5: The original. Some dumb shit about his kid randomly stumbling upon one of the eight magical orbs of Equestria and the twins, Rainbow, and Twilight going on a quest to find the others for… some reason.

SC276: Well, beats more ponies flash-stepping around and destroying punching machines.

Scarlet: Why couldn’t this have been the rip-off? If I hear one more line about the domestic life of Rainbow Dash and the world’s most boring extradimensional squeeze, I’m going to kill a puppy! Or, well. I won’t. Because Scruffy is the true hero.

SC276: Hey actually, now that I think of it, what happened to him getting his cutie mark? I actually forgot about it pretty much immediately after he and Dash got lovey-lovey. We got a bet to resolve here.

Scarlet: Fun fact, but what the story forgot to mention was that Silver got his cutie mark as he cast the hole-closing spell. It was a mark indicating that his special talent is being a waste of space!

SC276: So… wait, does that mean I owe you five bucks, or…?

Scarlet: Nah, all bets are off because I would like to watch giant robots and stop thinking about this story now. Smell ya later, people, I have some Kamina to cry over.

RingmasterJ5: See you next week as we return to a really boring, weirdly sexual band of pirates for the third time in a row.

SC276: Oh god I actually forgot those were still things. This is going to suck.

RingmasterJ5: Considering the next part’s actually going to include what I honestly think is the worst scene of the entire fic… that’s kind of an understatement.

NaturalGlitch: It hurts.

RingmasterJ5: It’s the second user-voted one shot, and you guys picked… a Rainbow Factory fan-prequel. Yay.

Fallen Prime: By a guy who writes vore stories. That’s, like, the one thing that sets him apart from the other guys who have melted down when their stories got poor reception. Hell, before this came up for our polls, I forgot completely about this sad sack.

RingmasterJ5: I’m absolutely not surprised that people voted for a second controversial author I’ve never heard of before. This and the Destroyershy one are like quick refreshers on all the shit that went on while I was away.

Fallen Prime: And maybe more will flow in afterwards. There are probably readers and contributors with better memories than mine.

RingmasterJ5: I’d be surprised if we didn’t get more, but since neither of us really know all that much about this particular fic, let’s just get the riff started. Without further ado, “A Friendship Broken by Loyalty” by zeldafand.

A Friendship Broken by Loyalty

Sigma: And already I can tell this is going to end wonderfully.

NaturalGlitch: I remember when the original author of Rainbow Factory was giving tips on how to write horror. That’s like if the author of Squidward’s Suicide gave lessons on how to use proper tenses.

Ferret: Or what the phrase “hyper-realistic” means.

Scarlet: Once more, I’m going into this blind. Let’s see how much pain I’ll inflict upon myself!

Crazy56U: I’m going in double-blind: I never really read Rainbow Factory, I mainly skimmed to the end.

SC276: I preferred “Awoken” myself… Nevertheless, I’m sure we’ll grind this factory to dust. Mostly you guys, because I’m a day late.

Fallen Prime: Fun fact: “Awoken” is actually one of my favorite songs PERIOD. And I’ve long since lost touch with horse tunes.

Dark Angel: I’m also going into this blind, though that’s common for me with these riffs. And if anybody needs it, I brought a truck load of brain bleach to share.

Topher: I’ll go ahead and pass out funnels for everyone.

“Ma’am, just a question, what happened to Scootaloo?” Said a worker to me.

Sigma: She was trapped in a bad fanfic, she barely made it out alive.

Scarlet: The life of a woobie is, surprisingly, suffering.

Crazy56U: “She mentioned how my eyes were pretty, so I turned her into rainbow goo, stop asking stupid questions!”

Topher: “Gee, she failed her flight test and got sent here, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK HAPPENED?!”

“No need to talk about her.” I said with pain and despair.

SC276: The author doesn’t know either.

“Right now, I just want to know how progress is going. SO how is it going?”

NaturalGlitch: [nameless pony] “The entire factory is on fire.”

Sigma: MILLIONS ARE DEAD!

Dark Angel: …Oh, and there’s a bunch of workers dead too.

Scarlet: “And I just won the lottery!”

Crazy56U: (reading from a newspaper) There’s a sale at Penny’s!

Topher: “NO NEED FOR PANIC! There’s cookies and punch by the door!”

Dark Angel: (takes a drink of punch) “THE PUNCH HAS BEEN SPIKED!” (takes another drink)

“It is going just fine Mrs. Rainbow dash.”

“Good! Keep it that way, I need some fresh air.” I said.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I’ll just inhale one of these clouds.”

Crazy56U: Wait, don’t breath in those chemicals! You become radioactive and start

imagining dragons!

Sigma: I understand your reference and I strongly disapprove of it.”

After that discussion, I left the factory.

Topher: Those golden tickets were a total gyp!

Crazy56U: (holds up a rock) ...do I even have to say it...

Right now, I feel an odd mixture of pride and despair.

Sigma: “Pride for managing to wank to something they said I couldn’t and despair for wanking to a comatose pony.”

Scarlet: God damn it, who let Shinji into the MLP fic?

Crazy56U: Being Rainbow Dash is suffering.

I know what I did to my little Sister.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I made her drink some of the thunder cloud mixture. How was I supposed to know her mane would spike up forever?!”

Scarlet: “I didn’t even realize saving her yielded more ADAM in the long term!”

Crazy56U: “I made her watch Teen Titans Go!... … (anguished) I’M A MONSTER!!!”

Sadly, she isn’t here right now. I still remember the first time I built this place.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I even brought my cloud hammer and water nails.”

Crazy56U: Well, gee, here I am with a Minecraft joke, and I just don’t know if I should use it… (gets blown up by a Creeper)

SC276: So, before Rainbow Dash, there weren’t any rainbows? Or they hadn’t figured out how to ground ponies into Spectra yet?

Dark Angel: That would actually contradict the original story, since they talk about the rainbow factory being around ever since soon after Celestia banished Nightmare Moon to the moon. Does anyone have a continuity alarm?

It was supposed to make up for something bad I did at that time, in honor of a friend I lost.

Crazy56U: “Oh, wait, I probably should’ve checked the Lost and Found…”

I was still normal then, but before I built it, there was that one night.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Author was still trying to write a grimdark story with no success.”

Scarlet: Rainbow Dash declares herself “normal”. Fanfic officially bullshit.

Crazy56U: It was when Rainbow was visiting Bangkok.

SC276: All it takes is that one night, Batman...

I felt so strange, I was thinking of all the bad things that happened in my life,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Like the time I was caught making cloud beards and pretending to be a pirate where everypony could see me.”

Scarlet: ...I thought you said bad things.

Crazy56U:

and there were a lot; some of them too painful to think about. It happened a long time ago.

NaturalGlitch: “It was a dark and stormy night. I cuddled with Tank when suddenly—”

Crazy56U: Next Sunday A.D. Wait, shit, did it wrong...

I was an ordinary Pegasus pony, just really skilled at, like everything.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Racing, doing tricks, diaper changing—you know, the usual.”

Crazy56U: Except studying, if Season 4 doesn’t exist here.

So “ordinary” is an understatement. I still felt slightly underestimated, that I could accomplish more things, more amazing, awful, things.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Like putting on a fake mustache and sing in a barbershop quartet.”

Sigma: “Or writing a fanfic with undeserved success.”

Crazy56U: “Or learning how to cook meth!”

That one day was a wreck. I woke up, and suddenly, everypony was talking smack about me! It started with “Rainbow dash is cool, but she can be cooler.”

NaturalGlitch: It turns out they were talking about rainbow icecream.

Ferret: How much cooler can she be? Anybody?

Scarlet: It’s not worth it, my mammalian friend. It just isn’t worth it.

Crazy56U: ...is this during “The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well”?!

SC276: By how much, 20%?

Then it became “Rainbow dash is lame.”

NaturalGlitch: Well, get her some crutches, then!

Crazy56U: I’m not hearing a no...

Ever since that one crash, everypony has been insulting me. I was showing off my moves. I even put up a big show for it!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I tapdanced and everything! Sure, the stage caught on fire, but—”

Scarlet: Dash, the “Spider Man 3” strategy is never a good plan.

Crazy56U: Yeah, Rainbow Dash isn’t Emo Peter-y enough to even try and pull that off...

I pulled off lots of crazy, amazing tricks. It was in a Wonderbolts arena. I was just being awesome, but I got carried away.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “—by ninja ponies! But I was ready for ‘em!”

Sigma: “My pretending to be a pirate came in handy here, because pirates always beat ninjas!”

Crazy56U: Eh, “carried” not “sailed”, but close enough. (blasts “Come Sail Away”)

In the end I tried to pull of 5 Rainbooms in one boost.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Sure, they put the name on band aids for foals, but those suckers can sting.”

Scarlet: Off one boost pad? Rainbow, the physics engine can’t possibly handle that!

Crazy56U: A Quintuple Rainboom?! Okay, now we’ve entered the realm of fantasy, here! (scoff)

SC276: How far across dimensions do you think she’ll reach this time?

Topher: *Pulls out notebook, starts scribbling* well, if performing a secondary rainboom allows her to cross between shows, it’s reasonable to assume that the third would take her into the real world and the fourth subsequent boom would take her in even deeper into fan fiction, meaning the fifth would take her another level below that, into fanfiction ri- *Topher is then liquefied as rainbow dash explodes out of a hole in the air*

SC276: ...I’ll be sure to notify your next of kin.

But I crashed into a Stone wall…

NaturalGlitch: [Stone wall] “The heck did I get here?”

Ferret: Thus ending the American Civil War.

Scarlet: SEE? I told you!

Fallen Prime: But the MARVEL Civil War is just beginning…

Sigma: Team Rogers for life.

Crazy56U: Oh, hey, Stonewall’s back! I haven’t seen him since the “Past Sins” MST! This just made my day!

Somehow… and then the ponies started laughing at me after those two bullies said. “Ha, Rainbow Crash failed!” Even my friends, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, and Rarity were laughing!

NaturalGlitch: That’s ‘cause Pinkie Pie was making fart noises with her mane. They couldn’t help themselves.

Crazy56U: They were laughing at Pinkie’s antics? I highly doubt that.

IT WAS HUMILIATING!!!

Sigma: Suddenly, a 13 year old girl’s diary.

Scarlet: ...That’s mine! *snatches*

Crazy56U: “ALSO I THINK I BROKE THE CAPS LOCK KEY, PLEASE HELP”

SC276: Given most spell checkers skip over words that are in all caps, I’m surprised that’s spelled right.

So I went home to try and sleep it off.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Unfortunately, my home was caught in a breeze and also crashed into a Stone wall.”

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, Rainbow tried drinking her problems away and wound up blacking out in the kitchen.

Dark Angel: Well considering the fanfics she’s been put into, I’d try to drink myself stupid too.

When I got home, I went to bed, and then I had nightmares of my best friends calling me names.

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “Who’s a cutie-wootie little Pegasus? You are!~♥”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Oh, howdy, Rainbow Dash-”

[Rainbow] “STOP TORMENTING ME!!!”

They were also saying really mean things about me.

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “I only wanted to hug Rainbow for three seconds, but she insisted on five. What a hug-bug.”

Scarlet: “Not bad, Dash! If you keep it up you might almost be average!”

Crazy56U: (tears up notecard; bitter) Nice job stealing the math joke, friend...

Dark Angel: Well, you could make a joke like she was only performing at 20%… oh, sorry.

Crazy56U: (tears up another notecard; more bitter) Yeah… I bet you are...

RJ: [Rarity] “Rainbow Dash always dresses in style!”

I knew it was a dream, but it kept going on and on! It drove me crazy that night, and I felt mad at my friends.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow, in a huff] “I am not a cutie or a whootie, and how long I hug is my business!”

Crazy56U: Mad enough… to kill?!

SC276: So the split-off point was either Sonic Rainboom if Rainbow wasn’t too paralyzed to perform, or… some future thing that probably casts the original fic as a distant sequel to the entire series, even though that makes even less sense.

I tried to give them one last chance to show they still cared the next, but then I heard Pinkie Pie cracking jokes about my failure!

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “And that’s what happened to all the oatmeal!”

Waterpear: That awkward moment when your failures turn your friends into a riffing collective.

Crazy56U: But, were they better than our jokes? That’s the real question!

And my friends laughed at every one!

NaturalGlitch: Someone let in the Joker Gas! Run!!

Scarlet: “Look at that One over there! It’s slightly more than nothing! Ahahahahaha-”

Crazy56U: Oh God, they turned into a living, breathing Laugh Track! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

SC276: Outta my way, slowcoach! I got to set up the only business at the top of that hill before someone else does!

I walked up to them and said, “Is that really what you think about me, A LAUGHABLE FAILURE!?”

Sigma: Yes.

Ferret: That was almost too easy.

Crazy56U: Well, really, there’s no other answer...

Dark Angel: Was that a trick question?

Twilight tried to calm me down by saying, “Wait Rainbow dash, it isn’t what you think! We were just having a little fun.”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Pinkie was about to do her impression of Bulk Biceps.”

Ferret: (Twilight): Why can’t you get a sense of humor, you embarrassing failure?

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Fluttershy made these really good brownies and (snicker) now we just can’t stop being happy!”

“AT MY EXPENSE!!!” I shouted.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It’s expensive to make those jokes! Now I owe Muffins five bits!”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “But, Rainbow, you said it was okay if I borrowed your credit card!”

[Rainbow] “...NO, I DIDN’T!”

“Now what just a minute RD, we weren’t laughing too much!”

Sigma: “Just a bit hysterically!”

Scarlet: “And a bit too loud! And that never hurt no one!”

Crazy56U: What, is today Opposite Day, then? Were you guys just sobbing hysterically?

“And so lied the element of HONESTY!?”

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Um...I’m over here, Rainbow. That’s a table you’re yelling at.”

Sigma: [Rainbow] “I AM THE TABLE!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “No, YOU need to get your eyes checked!”

“Now Rainbow dash, darling, we didn’t mean any harm. To be honest it WAS Pinkie pie who started it.”

NaturalGlitch: Plot twist: Rainbow is talking to the rag dolls from the creepy-pasta a few riffs back.

Scarlet: Plot twists are supposed to be unexpected.

Crazy56U: (eye begins twitching; grabs head) W-why would you remind me of that...

“You are supposed to be GENEROUSLY taking the blame!?”

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “I’ma snuggle you!” [Dash] “No! I’ll feel adorable if you do!”

Sigma: Something tells me author doesn’t understand what words mean.

Ferret: Twilight: “Rainbow, why are you being so bitchy?”
Rainbow: “I guess the element of MAGIC wouldn’t...uh...shit.”

Waterpear: [Rainbow] Element of MAGIC? more like the element of...um...bitchcraft!

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “Rainbow, stop trying to be clever, you really aren’t…”

“But wait Dashie, I was only making them laugh!”

“The element of LAUGHTER, LAUGHING AT SOMEPONY’S FAILURE!?”

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Like that stupid head—King Sombra! What a kook!”

Scarlet: “Well, yeah. Giggle at the terrible things in life and all that. It’s what I do, Rainbow. It’s what I am.”

Crazy56U: No comment.

SC276: Oh, poor Pinkie Pie… And here I thought laughter made you happy.

“Rainbow dash, how dare you!? That isn’t at all what we meant!”

Sigma: “We just meant that it’s hilarious to see YOU specifically fail!”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “Seriously, Rainbow, you need to relax. Do you want a brownie-”

[Rainbow] “YOU KNOW I HAVE TWO STRIKES, FLUTTERSHY!”

[Fluttershy] “...Ponyville legalized pot, like, 10 years ago…”

“And that was supposed to be KIND!?”

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “Don’t make me sick Mr Bear on you! He already had his nap and doesn’t need you as his teddy bear.”

Scarlet: “Um, actually, no. It wasn’t, er, supposed to be kind, even remotely. I just thought that you failing made me feel marginally better about my own painful inadequacy and inability to function as a normal pony and why is everyone staring at me now it’s making me uncomfortable.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “No, that was me trying to get you to understand that, to be blunt, you are being kind of a bitch.”

[Everypony Else] “(loud gasp)”

[Fluttershy] “What, someone had to say it. (eats another brownie)”

“Um… I mean..” Fluttershy stopped and started crying.

Sigma: Ah, she’s realised what she’s in.

Ferret: Good job, Dash. You made Fluttershy cry. Do you feel big now?

Scarlet: It’d be more traumatic if things that made Fluttershy cry in the past twenty-four hours didn’t also include loud noises and re-runs of her favorite soap opera.

Crazy56U: Huh, I figured Fluttershy would be used to Rainbow’s asshole moments by now…

SC276: I love how we only knew it was Fluttershy talking before this because of the CAPITALS of formatless emphasis.

“I can’t believe you all; there isn’t anything magical about cracking insulting jokes about your friend behind her back!”

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Even if my back does have a crack, and crack is wack, then... Why do I smell colors?”

Crazy56U: ...did Rainbow just insult Seinfeld?

“Now wait now Rainbow Dash! I understand what we said and did was wrong, we are sorry for that!”

Sigma: “We’re sorry that it’s wrong, that is, because it’s pretty fun!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, Rainbow, listen to… uh… …[insert name of pony talking here]! They know what they’re talking about… whoever they are!

“No you’re not! I KNOW you’re going to do it again! I KNOW IT!”

Sigma: “THE FLOATING CUBES TOLD ME SO!”

Scarlet: No, damn it! No paranoia yet! I haven’t prepped myself for another conspiracy rant!

Waterpear: Support Time Cube or be cursed!

Crazy56U: And the special word of the day is PARANOIA! (claps)

“But Rainbow Dash, darling…”

“SHUT UP RARITY!!!

SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Dark Angel: Uh...wrong fic.

SC276: Sorry. Picked a bad time to warm up for next week.

Crazy56U: Well, good luck on that!

You should be comforting me, telling me my failure wasn’t all that bad, but instead you are all talking about how “Comedic” My faceplant on the stone wall was!

Dark Angel: Well…it was.

NaturalGlitch: OK, is anyone else getting sick of the sheer lack of descriptions? I can barely tell who’s talking!

Sigma: That’s why I’m not using tags so much, it doesn’t matter because they’re all interchangeable.

Crazy56U: Oh, thank God, I thought I was the only one...

Or how “Hilarious” It was when I FELL!!!

Sigma: You’re RIGHT, it WAS pretty hilarious!

Dark Angel: It wasn’t really the fall that was hilarious. It was the splat sound she made when she hit the ground.

Scarlet: The real hilarity is Rainbow’s current inability to end a sentence without capslock.

Crazy56U: Well, that’s because Rainbow is having trouble CONTROLLING THE VOLUME OF her voice.

THAT ISN’T WHAT A FRIEND SHOULD DO!!! You all went back on your elements just to be cruel! How COULD YOU!?”

NaturalGlitch: That’s when Rainbow realized the fangs and fly-like wings. Changelings!

Crazy56U: Okay, can we stop alluding to “Return of Harmony”, please? Thank you.

“Rainbow dash, calm down, this isn’t you!”

“Well, Twilight, apparently it IS!”

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It says so right on my underwear!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Also, because I never got to you before when calling out the others: element of MAGIC?! More like, SATANIST!”

“But Dashie?!?”

“Not a WORD PINKIE!!”

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “How about two words?”

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow murdered Pinkie. The End.

SC276: And then Cupcakes was read backwards. Also, if she’s not a Word Pinkie, which Pinkie is she? An Excel Pinkie?

“Um… Rainbow dash, please calm down, you’re…”

Sigma: “-being a faggot.”

Scarlet: *reflexively punches Sigma* Oh! Damn, sorry, I- nah, not really. Not sorry.

Sigma: I didn’t even know I HAD that much blood.

Crazy56U: ...you deserved it. (smacks you upside the head)

“Oh I’m sorry, am I scaring you Fluttershy? Or should I say, ‘FlutterCRUEL!?’”

Waterpear: Evolves from Fluttercool at level 30.

Ferret: Wow, how clever. It must have taken you all of three seconds to come up with that biting remark.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, no need to reference “Pony POV Series”...

Fluttershy gasped and began to cry loudly.

NaturalGlitch: “She hit her funny bone on the table.”

Scarlet: Rainbow Dash didn’t feel the first pangs of alarm until the bats crashed into the room and joined in the sobbing.

Crazy56U: And then the rest of the town beat Rainbow to death for further upsetting Fluttershy. The End.

Then I said, “You are SO…”

Sigma: “-yellow!”

Crazy56U: “-Fluttershyier than normal right now!”

I stopped myself and said, “You know what, what’s done is done. But let bygones be bygones, just don’t do it again.”

NaturalGlitch: (neck snaps) Oh, OK.

Scarlet: Woops, the story ran out of conflict. Quick, inject some!

Crazy56U: Yeah, no, that’s not how that works. You don’t just rant and scream at your friends for several minutes and then immediately decide to pretend it didn’t happen.

“We Won’t!” They all said.

Crazy56U: ... ... ...damn, those must be some strong brownies...

Then I replied, “I forgive you.” But I really wanted them dead.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “All I have to do is wait for them to grow old and die. And now I begin the waiting game.”

SC276: Insert Mammoth Mogul joke here.

Ferret: So, apparently it’s okay for Rainbow to blatantly lie to their faces, but when they genuinely apologize, she goes apeshit. Sure.

Crazy56U: Because, fuck it, the Rainbow Factory needs to happen somehow...

That night, I had another bad dream about the same event.

Sigma: “As opposed to my usual wet dreams of my own failure.”

Scarlet: You know, the sad thing is that’s a more interesting premise than this story’s. Hurray!

Crazy56U: Except it now was the day of the big test and Rainbow didn’t study! ...wait...

But now, I was kept up all night.

Dark Angel: If Rainbow was up all night, then how could she have a bad dream?

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I don’t remember putting my giant clown doll in that chair. ...wait, when did I get a giant clown doll?”

Scarlet: You mean not everyone owns one?

SC276: Only if a yellow bunny in a bee-striped shirt and hat counts as a clown.

Crazy56U: Well, if she was up all night, did she at least get lucky?

They put me into a lower level than of my pure awesomeness!

Sigma: Yeah, you sound like a bitch now. Like, more so than previously.

Scarlet: “And the worst thing was that they cheated! Only undead can drain levels! I checked the stupid monster manual!”

Crazy56U: Well, I’ve played enough Tomodachi Life to know the best solution to this: mope around in your room until they get sick of fighting and want to apologize!

How COULD they!?

Sigma: By moving their mouths and mocking you.

SC276: Much the same way we are, actually, but we’ve got a rather thick fourth wall in the way, so not much option there.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a sledgehammer) You sure?

SC276: I meant options for her to kill us.

I thought we were friends! Generosity, honesty, laughter, kindness, Magic, and loyalty.

Crazy56U: Oh, dear, Rainbow forgot everyone’s names… Even her own, at that...

“Loyalty, HA!” I thought,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I’ll show them loyalty! I’ll sew myself into all their skins so I can be super loyal! Muahahahahaha!”

Scarlet: Glitch, take my heart. You’ve earned it. *hands throbbing, still-beating heart*

SC276: ...Shouldn’t that kill you?

Dark Angel: Well, considering Scarlet took that heart out of a pocket…

Topher: *Rummaging in his pockets, with numerous squelching noises* I don’t have a heart to give, how about two pancreases and a kidney?

Crazy56U: (steals Scarlet’s heart) Dibs. (eats it)

“What is the point of loyalty if your friends don’t even care for it.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I mean, so what if I stare at them through their windows as they sleep? What if a monster attacks them in the middle of the night?”

Crazy56U: Okay, at this point, you could replace all of Rainbow’s dialogue with this and absolutely nothing would change.

Slowly, my mind descended into a deep darkness,

Crazy56U: CRAWLLLING IN MY SKIIN

I felt so humiliated, and now my friends fail me too!?

Sigma: “What total Starscreams!”

SC276: Usually maddening into misanthropy takes a couple weeks. Rainbow’s fast, indeed.

NaturalGlitch: Rainbow is a hardcore napper. She can go to sleep in a blink of an eye.

Crazy56U: Isn’t that a sign of narcolepsy?

Why…Why… Why… “Why” was all I could think of!

NaturalGlitch: I had the same thought when yet another Transformers movie that came out.

Scarlet: I mostly describe my thought process while riffing as that, punctuated by sudden bursts of expletives.

Crazy56U: Well, at the risk of repeating jokes from other riffs: Why? Because we like you!

Throughout the whole night, I had no sleep, and my mind became more and more insane.

SC276: Did she telepathically connect to Joker or something? ...Actually, that would be a more interesting premise.

Crazy56U: Nah, the author would find a way to fuck even that up...

I was rejected by the only ponies I loved and cared for, now they’re going to PAY!

Sigma: Would you like that payment in bits, euros, or yen?

Scarlet: It’s a horror story, Sigma. We only take blood. Preferably type-AB Positive, I’m running low on that.

SC276: Just those five. And not Gilda, anyone else from flight camp, anyone else on Ponyville’s weather team, the Wonderbolts, the Princesses...

NaturalGlitch: In what fanfic did that happen?

Crazy56U: The fanfic that this is a prequel to, obviously!

But how could I do that? How could I betray the ones I love?

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I could give them fewer hugs! No, wait, that’s too cruel.”

SC276: I’m sure the narrative will answer that in a few moments.

Crazy56U: Make them watch Series 8 of Doctor Who. Specifically “Kill the Moon”.

My mind fumbled over this question all night. Eventually, I asked exactly HOW to betray them.

NaturalGlitch: Try inviting them to lunch, then show up five minutes late; that usually works.

Sigma: With poorly made “forgiveness cakes” that misspell their names?

Crazy56U: Well, if you don’t want to use “Kill the Moon”, there is the Robin Hood episode...

They were so mean, so inconsiderate. Why would they ever do that!? WHY!?

Sigma: Because it’s hilarious.

Crazy56U: They’re gonna submit footage of your crash to “Equestria’s Funniest Home Videos” and win the cash prize. They were gonna share it with you, but...

Again my mind drifted through that question. Why… Just… why…?

NaturalGlitch: Again, my thoughts on [NAME OF MOVIE HERE].

Scarlet: Because the surest evidence that the universe lacks an omnibenevolent, omnipotent deity is in the existence of this f- okay, well, not this one specifically. But you know. In general.

Crazy56U: Let’s ask Rev!

Then the next day, I tried it again. I went to find them, but when I looked for them, I couldn’t find them.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I checked all over Cloudsdale for ‘em! ...wait.”

Crazy56U: And thus, the most tense game of Hide and Go Seek begins.

I searched all day; it was tiring for a Pegasus who got no sleep. It was like they were avoiding me!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Why weren’t they in the sky clearing the clouds?! ...I really should get some sleep.”

Scarlet: Exploring without the use of a HUD is difficult sometimes, Rainbow. But I believe in you. We all believe in you.

Dark Angel: Now why in Equestria would they be avoiding you?

Crazy56U: You suck at Hide and Go Seek, Rainbow...

I went literally everywhere in Equestria,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Even in DJ’s secret rave location. I may have gotten sidetracked there.”

Sigma: If she LITERALLY went everywhere, either she sucks at looking or she doesn’t know what literal means.

SC276: Oh my god, Rainbow is the Internet?!

Crazy56U: That explains so much and so little at the same time.

but still couldn’t find them. Then I thought to myself, “WHERE THE HAY COULD THEY BE!?” I was gone all day, and when I got home, a worse surprise was to befall me.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “That pizza I ate wasn’t too happy with my stomach and I forgot to buy toilet paper.”

Scarlet: Party. Please be a literal pity party.

Crazy56U: Rainbow left the oven on, and her house burned down. You ever see a cloud house burn down before? It’s not pretty.

I was tired, my wings were exhausted, and my hooves didn’t want to move!

NaturalGlitch: [Hooves] “You don’t appreciate us! We’re on strike!”

Crazy56U: The poison began to set in...

But I had to at least get home, and THAT is when another thing happened.

Sigma: “I came.”

SC276: Something Has Happened!

Crazy56U: The Fire Nation attacked?

Topher: The Crystal Empire returned?

Dark Angel: This actually became a good fanfic?

I opened my door and Black Paint fell all over me,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I forgot I instructed Tank to surprise me with pranks so I can always be ready for any surprise.”

Scarlet: Pity Party completely cancelled. Oh well, I guess I can go throw one for myself now.

SC276: [Rainbow] “I don’t know how Black Paint flew fast enough to get wedged above my door.”

Crazy56U: And then red paint. Rainbow officially became a shitty OC.

I wiped it out of my eyes, it burned, but I did it anyway.

Crazy56U: “What I’m doing is wrong, I know it’s wrong, but I’m gonna do it

anyway!”

I looked up, and then I saw Pinkie pie, and she was laughing her mane off!

Sigma: You’re wrong, Dash, she wasn’t laughing her mane off. She just has cancer.

NaturalGlitch: ...how did Pinkie Pie get up there? (smack forehead) Oh, duh, she has a helicopter… thingie.

Crazy56U: Wrong, she teleported.

She deliberately covered me in paint and nearly cost me my eyes!

Crazy56U: Okay, no that’s your own damn fault. It was NOT mentioned that it even got

into your eyes until you started wiping them, hence me quoting Mr. Enter. You only

have yourself to blame for that.

So I said, “PINKIE!!!!!!!! WHAT IN EQUESTRIA WAS THAT FOR!!!!!????”

Sigma: “I even said all the exclamation marks and question marks!”

NaturalGlitch: What’s with these pony fics and making the characters into petty and vitriolic little children? I thought it was made clear that Rainbow likes pranks and—I wish the bugs in my arm would shut up.

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “What are you talking abou- oopsie! That was supposed to be pig’s blood, not black paint. I can see why you’re mad, sorry about that!”

Then she replied, “Come on, it’s just a little harmless fun!”

Sigma: [Pinkie] “It’s just- Oh, wait, crap. It’s LEAD paint. Sorry, Dash, make that harmful fun.”

SC276: Harmless. Right. Let me tell you a story. When I was in high school, some punk tried to steal my backpack, so I chased after him like a homing missile into the parking lot. I actually saw him look back at me on route and freak out that I was chasing him and catching up. I got it back, he ditched it and fled, and no one ever tried to jack my pack again. If someone tried dumping paint - not water like an honest prankster, but paint - on me, there would be no survivors.

Dark Angel: (stops setting up a prank with paint) …I’m just gonna leave now…

Crazy56U: ...so, I won’t do it as a prank. (dumps can of paint on SC276)

SC276: …...your death shall be slow and painful.

Crazy56U: K. (dumps more paint onto your head)

SC276: ...OK, seriously, why do you keep dumping paint on me?

Crazy56U: That’s a good question. Here’s the answer. (leaves)

SC276: ….aaaaaand I’ve stopped caring. Moving on.

But I wasn’t laughing, I was SO infuriated! After all I did, SHE decided to make my day worse! That is where Pinkie Pie was put on my “Hate List”,

SC276: The whole “mocking your pain” thing didn’t do it? Or the constant tense changes?

Crazy56U: (comes back) “Hate List”? ...you mean that napkin I found by the trash?

for

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “—not thinking of marketing Zap Apple Jam Cupcakes. She said it would be too shocking.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “managing to fuck up a Carrie reference; it’s not that hard, Pinkie!”

“Deliberately upsetting me after a long hard day of searching for everypony, when in reality, she was planning this all along!”

Waterpear: I hear this is a class 5 felony in some states.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Yeah, we had cake and icecream, even had a few pillow fights, but that’s besides the point!”

Sigma: If she searched EVERYWHERE, how did she miss this?

Crazy56U: Once again, the magic word of the day? PARANOIA!

And It was a good description too,

Waterpear: So many Fimfiction disasters have started with these words.

Crazy56U: CBS sitcoms have better descriptions than that.

after I stepped forward, I hit a pressure plate which dropped streamers on me, it WASN’T FUNNY!!!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It was extremely hilarious! I laughed so much I forgot all my troubles.”

Sigma: What’s so bad about streamers? Did streamers rape her mom?

Crazy56U: (legitimately confused) ...um… ...what?

Scarlet: Look, if they corrupted my ability to end thoughts without using capital letters I’d resent ‘em too!

SC276: Maybe Pinkie ran out of feathers?

Crazy56U: In that case, why did she use black paint instead of tar? Man, Pinkie’s starting to slack off in the pranking category…

SC276: And also: “I made it all up. (party horn) Surprise.”

Then I was about to say something to Pinkie when I slipped because of the paint and fell down my stairway!

NaturalGlitch: I wonder if her stairway is made of clouds or if it’s built from some sort of material that stays afloat on top of clouds?

Scarlet: But more importantly, if she begins walking up it, is she then climbing a stairway to heaven?

SC276: Wait, are these stairs like those in a front hallway, or like the steps leading up to the front porch?

Crazy56U: Front porch. Rainbow slid out of her house, and fell to the ground. But, (un)luckily, Lyra broke her fall.

It was ORIGINALLY harmless, but I GOT HARMED!!!!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “So what if I barely noticed that a giant boulder landed on my wing when I tried to take off?! That little fall gave me boo-boos and ouchies!”

Scarlet: Look, Rainbow, not our fault you made Constitution your dump stat!

Topher: “I’m putting EMPHASIS on all the BAD THINGS happening to be so that my MORAL TOTAL 180 will HOPEFULLY seem more JUSTIFIED!”

Crazy56U: ...as what happens when you fall: at first it doesn’t hurt, then you hit the

ground. Physics.

And thanks to Pinkie Pie, I was now badly hurt, my wing was sprained and my neck wouldn’t move!

Sigma: Was she decapitated?

Scarlet: Nah, then her neck would be twitching around in her death throes.

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s head detaches, obviously.

When I moved my neck,

Waterpear: Rainbow Dash’s special talent is moving immovable necks.

Scarlet: Special Agent Double-O-Dash.

Crazy56U: That’s… a sucky special agent ability. Bon Bon would be ashamed of her.

I moved it back into place, apparently, she DISLOCATED my NECK!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I can survive nucking a barn by crashing into it without a scratch, but the bouncy floor broke my spine in three places!”

Scarlet: According to the can of paint used in this case… huh. Apparently it was lead-based. Well, that explains far too much!

Crazy56U: Uh, no, that’s the fault of gravity. ...unless Pinkie did that to you as you fell...

I got back up and Pinkie Tried to apologize, but I wouldn’t accept her apology, she caused me Emotional and now PHYSICAL pain,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Pinkie even tried to kiss my ouchies, but I don’t want her to see me blush from all the attention.”

Crazy56U: (monotone) Insert Cupcakes joke here.

all I could say was, “Get… Out… NOW!!!!” Then Pinkie pie scurried away like the rat she was!

Sigma: How harsh! Pinkie is a gerbil, not a rat!

Scarlet: Neither! She is a capybara, the most cordial and friendly of all rodents!

Topher: Maybe a quokka! Those guys are so friendly that they’re endangered because they walk up to predators to say hello!

Crazy56U: No, she’s a hamster. Speaking from experience, hamsters are insane. Like

Pinkie.

NaturalGlitch: Aww, that sounds so cute!~

Little did I know there were more “Friendly pranks” in my house!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I was wearing a monocle the whole time? And how did you put a black hole in my bathroom?”

SC276: This is what happens when Pinkie gets too many vacation days.

Crazy56U: Whoopee cushions. Whoopee cushions everywhere.

After Pinkie Pie left, her traps didn’t leave with her.

Sigma: “Now there’re transvestites EVERYWHERE!”

Scarlet: Can I move into this house?

Crazy56U: Well, duh. It’s not like the traps are sentient or anything…

Scarlet: So what you’re saying is Pinkie has an army of cross-dressing automatons? Actually, I can’t put that past her.

So NOW I had more pain to experience, oh goody.

Crazy56U: THESE WOUUNDS, THEY WILLLL NOT HEALLLLLL!

I tried to get back in my house to get to bed, but when I reached the stairway to my room,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I found my security blanket was slightly crooked! Will Pinkie’s rein for prank terror ever cease?!”

Scarlet: Well, she’d finished climbing the stairway to heaven at that point…

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I found that she spray-painted ‘FUK U’ on my door!”

I Slipped on a whoopee cushion that let out an insulting farting noise as I fell to a possible DOOM!

Waterpear: Oh, this is what Fawful’s “mustard of your doom” did.

Sigma: Oh, great, farts. Did Kudzu proofread this?

SC276: How did Pinkie even know where to put that?

Crazy56U: (pumps fists) CALLED IT!

I tumbled down the stairs one step at a time, and it was extremely painful.

Topher: Pfft! What a pansy! You’ll never make it in extreme sports if you keep that weak shit up, Dash! *Throws himself down a nearby flight of stairs* WHOO-*oof*OOO-*oof*-HOOOO-*oof*OOO!!!

Crazy56U: Well, luckily there were only 2 stairs.

And When I hit the bottom, I tripped over boneless;

Crazy56U: W-wait, does this take place in Season 4?!

who made me fall into my kitchen, I hit a counter and a knife fell right into my Right hoof.

Sigma: I see, Dash got it all wrong. Pinkie didn’t make a bunch of pranks, she made her house into a Rube Goldberg machine!

Scarlet: “A friendship, broken by loyalty” - the story of Rainbow Dash’s sudden and unexpected genre shift into slapstick!

SC276: Who or what is “boneless” and why did she trip over it?

Dark Angel: Boneless is the rubber chicken that Cheese Sandwich gave Pinkie Pie.

SC276: Ah, right… Probably would’ve recognized him with his capital.

Crazy56U: You got stabbed… ...with a knife… ...after striking the counter… … ...eh, too easy.

“AAAAAAAGHH!!!!!!” I shouted. I was in such excruciating pain, the knife dug deep and my hoof was leaking a lot of blood.

Scarlet: And then abruptly into pathos, apparently. Whiplash. Whiplash everywhere.

NaturalGlitch: You mean the hoof you used as a hammer to nail in one stomp? The ones that—in real life—need sharper tools than a knife to clean?

Crazy56U: Hey, my Linkin Park jokes payed off! I am on a roll!

When I tried to pull the knife out, a spoon fell on the knife and drowned it deeper into my Hoof.

Sigma: …Or maybe she made it into a Three Stooges routine.

NaturalGlitch: I think I remember a similar scene in the book How Not To Write A Story.

Crazy56U: Okay, either Rainbow is made out of taffy, or that spoon is made out of

solid steel.

I could hardly bare the pain, but I pulled the knife out, and it was bleeding more than a gutted fish!

Sigma: I’m confused, assuming this author subscribes to the WAY too common “MEAT EATING BAD” idea, how would Dash know what a gutted fish looks like?

NaturalGlitch: My guess; spooky movies.

Dark Angel: This is a Rainbow Factory spin-off. All normal world logic is thrown right out the window.

Topher: [Pinkie Pie] “Calm down, dude! It’s just a prank”

Crazy56U: Rainbow, you idiot, knives don’t bleed!

I tried to reach a phone, but

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “—I couldn’t tell who was phone!”

Sigma: Wait, ponies have phones?

Scarlet: Well, how else could they get calls from inside the house?

SC276: Really wish I knew that when I started writing my Ghost Trick crossover fic.

Crazy56U: ...you realized that you don’t have a phone?

it was all the way upstairs. So, instead, I just got large amounts of paper towels and wrapped it around my now gushing hoof.

NaturalGlitch: So… why weren’t you hovering around like you usually do?

Crazy56U: She sprained her wing.

“Pinkie Pie, if I live through this I will SO KILL YOU!!!!” I shouted.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Oh~ you silly filly! I’ve been dead the whole time, and so have you!~”

Scarlet: You have already earned my heart, Glitch. Take my spleen now. *hands over a spleen*

Dark Angel: Do you own an organ bank or something?

Scarlet: Yes. I own an “organ bank.”

Crazy56U: Well, given that you took the blade out and the wound is gushing blood, I’m gonna guess… you’re gonna live through it.

But that wasn’t the last of it! I went upstairs and my phone was missing,

SC276: Yeah, stealing a phone, a real classic of a prank.

Crazy56U: (secretly pocketing Scarlet’s phone) I know, right?

which was great, and I couldn’t go all the way to the hospital, it was too far, and I was in pain.

NaturalGlitch: ...so fly there.

Scarlet: But how can she fly with an injured hoof? *jazz hands*

Crazy56U: Okay, did the sprained wing bit get retconned, or am I literally the only one who remembers that?

So I decided to go to bed.

NaturalGlitch: (back snaps in half) Oh, OK.

Crazy56U: Nothing helps being covered in paint, falling down the stairs, and getting stabbed quite like sleep!

When I got to my room, in slipped on some soap, obviously left by pinkie pie,

Crazy56U: Nope, it was Fluttershy.

and slid into my bed which was covered in maple syrup. “Some friend SHE is!” I thought.

Sigma: Yeah, what a friend! I’d LOVE a maple syrup bed! It’d make pancakes even easier to eat in bed!

Crazy56U: And it also makes eating the bed itself easier!

Dark Angel: …why would you eat your bed?

Crazy56U: I’m glad you asked!

I got up from my bed and turned on the lights which triggered another “Surprise”.

Waterpear: Oh god no, it’s a deranged G1 crossover.

Sigma: Suddenly, crossover with MLP G1 and Transformers G1!

Topher: “A box of fire ants fell onto my syrup-bed!

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Rainbow got shot!

The light was wired to a net full of pillows, and it fell on me!

NaturalGlitch: Were the pillows hiding in a pocket dimension? How did that happen?

Scarlet: All answers point to “bullshit”, so I choose to blame the God of Shenanigans.

Crazy56U: (buzzer) I’m so sorry, the correct answer was “Because, shut up.”

Luckily, it was just pillows so it didn’t hurt too badly,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “They even smelled like bubblegum and cotton candy. Too bad they didn’t taste like it.”

Crazy56U: C’mon, seriously? Did you expect Pinkie to have the pillows stuffed with bricks or something? ...again?

but after this night, I didn’t want any more “Friendly” Pranks.

Sigma: [Rainbow] “I demand unfriendly pranks, dammit!”

Scarlet: “But Rainbow, I had a two-for-one special on misery! I had to cash it in-” “Not now, Pinkie!”

Crazy56U: Well, sucks to be you, ‘cause I doubt Pinkie’s done yet...

So it only got me more upset. Now I had to take a shower to wash off the syrup, blood, and feathers from the pillow prank.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I already showered last week!”

Scarlet: Pinkie rigged all this in how long, again? While in Rainbow’s cloud house? Which she cannot walk on?

SC276: Well she had all day, to answer that first one. No idea on the cloudwalking. I’m more focused on where all the paint that started this went.

Crazy56U: Rainbow fell down the stairs so fast that it evaporated!

Clearly she knew I would fall for the syrup prank, so now, the shower was Booby trapped.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Just because I wore a bikini at the beach doesn’t mean I have booby envy! That’s just swimwear!”

Crazy56U: Drake and Josh were to blame for this one.

GREAT!!! But I didn’t know this, so I turned the handle… and a rubber ball hit me in the head.

Sigma: To quote Private Tucker, that doesn’t seem physically possible!

SC276: That’s what Jimmy kept screaming!

Crazy56U: Rainbow, are you sure Pinkie was behind that one? Are you sure that it

wasn’t a pre-existing issue with your plumbing?

“DARN IT PINKIE!!” I shouted once more.

NaturalGlitch: Pinkie goes out of her way to make her friends smile and laugh, so why would she trap Rainbow’s house like this went Rainbow obviously had a bad day?

Scarlet: Solution- it wasn’t Pinkie! This is another, rival pegasus! The cloud house walking, the fact that she was able to mold the clouds to fit these elaborate and frankly kind of stupid traps- IT ALL MAKES absolutely no sense, but once again, take what you can get.

Crazy56U: This is the prequel to “Rainbow Factory” AND there was a stabbing and blood. You can say “damn”. It’s okay.

Then I was finally able to wash myself off… after Pinkie replaced my body wash with oil.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “She even replaced my loofah with a brick! It wasn’t too bad, actually.”

Scarlet: I am honestly hoping this leads to “and then I was set on fire.”

Crazy56U: Well, luckily, it was vegetable oil, so it wasn’t that bad.

Dark Angel: This has to be a dream or something. I mean, I know Pinkie is into pranks and all. But this is beyond any reasoning…of course that implies this story has any reasoning at all.

Now THAT was all over me too! I found my REAL body wash, but not until after picking it up caused a plastic screen to fall on me.

NaturalGlitch: Even Pinkie would know this would ware on anyone’s nerves. One of the biggest pranks she ever did was to make Rarity sneeze. If you ask Pinkie, she’d stop immediately; she’s very considerate like that.

Crazy56U: Okay, this is now Home Alone: Psychopath Edition. What the fuck.

Sigma: I still think that this house has just been turned into a big Rube Goldberg machine.

Dark Angel: Not even a Rube Goldberg machine would last this long. This is a Rube Goldberg machine as made by the Energizer Bunny. It keeps going and going and going…

But this actually WASN’T Pinkie Pie’s prank, because she meant to be friendly, this one was cruel.

NaturalGlitch: It was obviously the Mane-iac!

Crazy56U: I wish, then this would be more interesting...

Actually it wasn’t a prank at all;

Crazy56U: It was karmic intervention!

it was just a loose screen on my roof that happened to fall when I picked up my body wash.

Sigma: It then bounced and continued to hit her.

Crazy56U: Huh, that took a turn for the Looney Tunes...

NOW I could finally take a shower.

Waterpear: At this point, I’m amazed the water isn’t made of caustic lava sharks that breathe lightning.

NaturalGlitch: You just know they’re going to make a movie about that on SyFy.

SC276: Actually, I think SyFy had a show that was basically this once.

Scarlet: “So previously I’d been covered in blood and humiliated beyond all reason and forced to inhale paint fumes and my spine had been shattered, but I instantly knew the flimsy, plastic screen was too cruel even for Pinkie.”

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, Pinkie was on the roof, giggling after having loosened the screen. Rainbow was none the wiser.

I let the water wash off most of the stuff that covered me,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “—’cause as it turns out I kinda like feeling a bit sticky and bloody, like I was in a giant fight.”

Crazy56U: And by “most”, she means “none”.

and scrubbed off the rest with a sponge. After that, I went to bed and said, “Worst… night… EVER!!!” Then I went to sleep,

SC276: [Rainbow] “But not before reading a comic book.”

Crazy56U: However, it turns out Pinkie planted a bomb under the mattress, blowing up the house. Rainbow survived, naturally.

where more pain caused me mental damage in my dreams.

Scarlet: Pain hits on everything but a one. We need a dedicated healer on Rainbow, STAT, or she’s just done.

Waterpear: This is what happens when you let your dreams be memes.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Freddy Krueger.

I felt the pain in my hoof, but now it was gushing out more blood.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Why is my blood winking and dancing at me?”

SC276: Didn’t she patch that up at some point? With the nonsense Rainbow pulls, she has to have at least three first-aid kits in her house.

Crazy56U: Given that it’s a dream, I don’t think it’s actually still gushing… Either that, or she has unlimited blood.

Sigma: Maybe she’s a Halo 1 Elite; as long as you keep punching, it keeps coming!

And then I dreamed of Anvils falling on my head, and ruining my head’s shape, physically breaking it open.

NaturalGlitch: She really is dreaming about being stuck inside a creepy-pasta!

Waterpear: It’s not hyper-realistic enough.

Crazy56U: Raindrops keep fallin' on my head… / Just like the guy whose feet are too

big for his bed...

Now my head was spitting out blood beyond my comprehension, and the worst part was, I COULDN’T WAKE UP!!!!

NaturalGlitch: Too bad Princess Luna is busy wrestling a giant Stone wall monster or she would’ve helped Rainbow with her nightmare.

Scarlet: Plot twist, this dream was real the whole time, Rainbow is hallucinating while dying.

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: Rainbow’s been in a coma ever since she fell down the stairs.

Sigma: Sure, “fell down the stairs.” We all know she’s abused by her step pare- Wait, no, that’s Scootabuse.

The nightmare trapped me in pain and misery, and the culprit… PINKIE PIE! Then Princess Luna came to help.

NaturalGlitch: ...oh. I swear I had no idea that was going to happen.

Crazy56U: (sarcastically) Surrrrrrrrrrrrre…

Sigma: [Rainbow] “She called me a little bitch then went to go drop the moon on some place called Termina.”

She saw me and noticed my pain and said, “Rainbow dash, I know you feel upset, but do not let your anger control your actions, it is the only way to keep your friends.”

SC276: Given this is a prequel, that is most certainly not going to happen.

Crazy56U: But the future refused to change.

And with that, she waved a magic spell and I woke up.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Luna didn’t actually wake me up; I just needed to use the bathroom.”

Scarlet: “Luna, why are you whipping your head back and forth like that-” “I AM WAVING THE SPELL TO WAKEN THEE. IT IS TRADITIONAL.”

Crazy56U: Uh huh, “magic spell”. Or, as it’s better known, “screaming ‘WAKE UP’”.

Sigma: Maybe she just put Chop Suey on repeat.

Crazy56U: That and not “Crocodile Chop”?

Turns out, it was past noon, and that nightmare was keeping me occupied. I heard what Luna said, but after the pain and agony Pinkie Pie caused me, (Unintentional as it was) I completely disregarded what she said and set out to seek vengeance.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I’ll order the biggest, most complicated cupcake that has ever existed!”

Scarlet: “And I’ll eat the whole thing by myself, in front of her!”

SC276: What’d I tell ya?

Crazy56U: And thus Luna’s attempt to prevent “Rainbow Factory” failed. Better luck next time!

Sigma: Just play the Song of Time, that always works.

Crazy56U: ...hence why I said “Better luck next time”. What do you take me for?

Sigma: I figured you were one of those guys with a convoluted ten year plot to have ONE instance of time travel.

Crazy56U: (legitimately confused) I’m sorry, what?

Sigma: Look, if anyone ever thought of a SENSIBLE time travel plot, I’d be out of a job.

After what she did to me, she NEEDS to be dealt with! So what if she is supposed to be my friend, a friend doesn’t put their friends in near-death experiences!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Just because I lit everypony on fire that one time...”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “But, then again, it is Pinkie…”

I was going to kill her, but luckily, Applejack needed some “Help” on the farm,

Waterpear: Yeah, she needs some “manual labor”, if you know what I mean.

Dark Angel: Get your mind out of the gutter. This is anything but a clop-fic…right? I’m not gonna find out later that Rainbow Dash kills the others by literally banging their brains out, am I?

NaturalGlitch: Applejack needs a better workout; thousand pound anvils only do so much.

Crazy56U: Let me guess, you’re going to steal an axe from Sweet Apple Acres and murder Pinkie with it?

so that distracted me and I decided to help her instead of going after Pinkie pie.

SC276: Your drive for revenge is extremely fickle.

Crazy56U: Well, we gotta pad this shit somehow.

But I was going to now suffer more pain.

NaturalGlitch: ...why didn’t you go to the hospital? I guess the MLPs have Wolverine like healing abilities in these fics.

Scarlet: She spent some of her blood pool to regen between rounds. It happens.

Sigma: She hasn’t bled enough yet, of course! She needs blood for the blood god!

Crazy56U: Two words: “Blood bank”.

Applejack told me to go into the barn, but instead of giving help, I gained agony.

NaturalGlitch: Da na na na!~

Scarlet: Set to “c” to throw it at people!

Crazy56U: Man, you should’ve gotten Brimstone. Agony’s shit...

As soon as I walked in, a block of hay fell onto my left wing, and it broke it.

NaturalGlitch: OK, so we now know this fic takes place after the Luna dream episode, so… did the author forget half of the show or—why is my reflection yelling at me?

SC276: Just her left wing? That is ridiculously precise.

Sigma: The hay bale must be a Republican.

I looked up to see where it came from, but all I saw were orange hooves scampering away. Sadly for her, I knew who it was…

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It was Rainbow Dash! ...I really, REALLY need more sleep.”

Sigma: It was Old Man Johnson in a rubber mask!

Crazy56U: “Holy hoodwinks! It’s Fred!” “I’m John Wayne! Pow pow pow!”

Dark Angel: It was Professor Plum, in the bedroom, with the candlestick…wait…

APPLEJACK!

SC276: How is that even possible? She just told you to go in there. How did she get up to above the door, by a less direct route from which you didn’t see her, faster than Rainbow can walk?!

Crazy56U: Sorry, all out. We have Trix though...

I was so upset, so that I had to ask, “APPLEJACK, WHAT WAS THAT FOR!!!!???” Then she replied,

Sigma: [AJ] “I felt like it.”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Pinkie made abusing you look like fun!”

“After your ‘episode’ two days ago,

Topher: I wish there was an episode two days ago. Who thought a mid-season hiatus was a good idea?

we all figured

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “—we wanted to cheer you up with pranks, but I can see you had a mess of a few days, so I’ll explain to the girls what’s up, OK?”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “-that you needed to be put out of your misery. Sorry, sugar. (snaps Rainbow’s neck)”

[Rainbow] “Owie.”

Dark Angel: [Scootaloo] “Oh, sorry Rainbow Dash.”

[Rainbow] (growling) “Some day you’ll pay for that!”

it’d be best to keep you grounded, cause you ain’t as fast on your hooves as you are in the sky.”

NaturalGlitch: ...that didn’t answer the question at all!

Scarlet: Wait. Wait a minute. Hold on…

Crazy56U: Well, then.

This infuriated me, to think that my friends wanted to take away the one thing I love most,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “—croquet! No, I mean—”

Scarlet: Oh jesus, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.

SC276: Guys, heads up. I think the fic’s getting to him.

Topher: *Loads a tranq gun* I’m ready. This thing can take down an elephant, so it ought to work on a human.

Sigma: It’ll KILL a human.

Crazy56U: (takes tranq gun) I highly doubt that. (shoots self) ...yep. (collapses)

Topher: ...can I have my gun back, please?

Crazy56U: (death gurgle)

Topher: … (pries his gun from Crazy’s fingers)

FLYING! They take away that, and I am just “Rainbow” Not “Rainbow dash”.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I guess I could be more dashing, but the clothes I would have to wear are so itchy.”

Scarlet: Glitch, keep doing the funny riffs, I need time to parse out my thoughts here-

Crazy56U: (pops back up) Like that makes a difference.

Dark Angel: [Rainbow] “Now I gotta contact the government and tell them that my name was changed to ‘Just Rainbow’.”

They KNOW flight defines my natural talent. Honestly, how low can they go!?

NaturalGlitch: ♫Go, monkey, go! Mojo Jojo!♫

Scarlet: I CAN’T ESCAPE THE CONCLUSION. This is a shitty Higurashi crossover! The paranoia, the previously-calm best friends apparently mutating into insane bastards, the central character driving herself to self-destructive lengths! In five minutes Rainbow’s going to try to claw out her own throat and fail because she has hooves!

SC276: Um… cicadas, trash dump, card game, shrine… thing… I stopped watching the Let’s Play because I thought it was so freakin’ boring!

Scarlet: The pain I feel in my soul right now, SC. The pain…

Crazy56U: (pulls out a limbo stick) Let’s find out!

Then I was going to walk away when a pitchfork flung up and hit me in the face!

Waterpear: This contrived injury bullshit got stale five god damn paragraphs ago.

Topher: *sideshow bob noises*

Crazy56U: Oh great, the barn is haunted.

The vibration shook my entire body

Topher: Ah, I remember my first dildo.

Crazy56U: Wait, did it hit you with the force of a sack of bricks?!

Dark Angel: It’s official. This fanfic has broken the minds of nearly everyone here. (holds up brain bleach) Are we allowed to use this in the middle of a project?

and then I fell unconscious.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I was suppose to eat a cupcake for that to happen.”

Crazy56U: Uh, real talk, I think Rainbow may have brain damage at this point…

Dark Angel: Along with the majority of the riffers here.

When I woke up, I was still at Applejack’s farm, my wing was still broken, and my hoof was still badly injured.

NaturalGlitch: Seriously—changelings.

Scarlet: Hinamizawa syndrome! It’s a bitch!

Crazy56U: And three days had passed. And Pom Pom still hasn’t landed!

Then I went to talk to Applejack, and it was going to be painful.

Sigma: For her.

Crazy56U: Round 1. FIGHT.

Dark Angel: Seriously, Just Rainbow has an injured hoof and a broken wing. She’s like one hoof away from being fully incapacitated.

Not physically, but emotionally.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Puppy dog pout is a go!”

Scarlet: “And physically too, once I capped it off by beating her senseless.”

Crazy56U: Tonight, on a very special Dr. Phil…

Dark Angel: Screw Dr. Phil. I think this has entered Jerry Springer territory.

I went to her room, and overheard her talking about how she “Needed” to break my wings to “Teach me a Lesson.”

Waterpear: [zeldafand] They say I “need” things like “being in character” and “grammar” and “readable paragraph lengths” and “coherent character motivation” and “a plot that makes sense.”

NaturalGlitch: ...is Rainbow still in a nightmare?

SC276: We probably are.

Topher: Plot twist, Applejack broke Rainbow’s wing not because of her outburst, but because she refused to pay her protection money to the Civni crime family!

Crazy56U: If it was really that necessary, why didn’t you just have them cut off?

NO SHE DIDN’T!!!! That was completely unnecessary!

Waterpear: [zeldafand] But those things are completely unnecessary to my wonderful Rainbow Factory story!

Scarlet: Along with many other things- like a proofreader!

Crazy56U: And actual quality!

I was so overcome with fury, so I walked up behind her and started to strangle her.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Why you little...!”

Crazy56U: [Homer Simpson] “I’m calling my lawyer!”

Applejack tried to break free, but no matter what she tried, I wouldn’t let go.

NaturalGlitch: I thought your hoof was a wreck.

Scarlet: She’s strangling her with something other than a hoof, clearly. Clopfic authors of the world, I give the gift of your imaginations unto you. Use it wisely.

SC276: Why isn’t the pony Applejack was talking to trying to help her? Unless Applejack was villain monologuing to herself for… whatever reason.

Crazy56U: Rainbow, choking is not cool. You should know this. Or, have you not seen “Supernatural The Abridged Animation”?

She deserved to be punished. I heard her choking, and pleading for mercy, but I wouldn’t show it.

NaturalGlitch: You wouldn’t show Applejack’s own pleading?

Scarlet: “My vintage issue of Mercy No. 1 will remain sealed within its plastic display case for all time!”

Crazy56U: Wait, is Applejack gonna be the first to die?

Instead, I hung on harder and harder until she stopped moving. Her last words were,

Sigma: [AJ] “Gotcha… Bitch…”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “I’ll be back.”

Dark Angel: [AJ] “Darnit! Y’all knocked over the last barrel o’ cider!”

"Rainbow... Dash... Wh-wh-why!?" and then Applejack had breathed her last.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It turns out it ponies really do release their bowels when they die. Time for another shower.”

Scarlet: “To teach you a lesson.” See, story? See? I have to write your ironic murder-quotes for you! You are deficient! Deficient, I say!

SC276: How could she talk if she couldn’t breathe?

Crazy56U: ...holy crap, Applejack was the first to die.

Dark Angel: Only because she didn’t get to Pinkie Pie first.

I couldn’t believe what I did; I got so mad that I killed my best friend! It was horrible!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “How the heck am I going to get cider now?!”

Crazy56U: Well, that’s what you get my emulating Homer Simpson!

At first I felt satisfied, but then, I felt despair at the loss of my friend. Turns out, Applebloom

NaturalGlitch: Apple Bloom is two words.

Crazy56U: Irrelevant.

was watching the whole time, and I saw her shake her head and run away in tears. “WAIT, IT ISN’T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!!!” I shouted.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “She’s only mostly dead!”

Scarlet: “So this ain’t a shitty horror-fic?” “Oh! You meant that. Nah, totally is.”

Sigma: [Rainbow] “We’re just trying this thing called ‘erotic asphyxiation’ and it’s not working well!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I was just killing Applejack in the heat of the moment- WAIT, IT SOUNDED BETTER IN MY HEAD!”

Who am I kidding? Of COURSE it was what it looked like, I KILLED Applejack!

Sigma: [Rainbow] “Now I’ll NEVER be able to eat my delicious breakfast cereal!”

Crazy56U: There’s always Froot Loops, though…

Topher: Not eating Trix. Get on my level you fucking pleb.

Crazy56U: Different cereal, mate.

Dark Angel: Silly Tropher. Trix are for kids.

Crazy56U: You just don’t learn, do you? (shoves Froot Loops box down your throat)

Me, Rainbow dash, the element of Loyalty, betrayed and killed my friend in cold blood!

NaturalGlitch: And all her wounds seem to have healed.

Scarlet: I mostly can’t get over the fact that I just read the entire thing in Dio’s voice. “And the killer was ME, Rainbow Dash!”

SC276: OK, I seriously need to start watching Jojo at this point.

Crazy56U: You ain’t the only one...

Topher: Actually, what you did was the opposite of cold blooded murder.

Dark Angel: Actually, Applejack wasn’t bleeding at all. All of the blood on her was actually Just Rainbow’s as she was the one bleeding to death.

“Oh no, I’m a monster!” I whispered. My friends played pranks and broke my wings of course,

NaturalGlitch: Why aren’t you at the hospital?!

Scarlet: Because she was too tired to fly or walk there, but feeling alright enough to commit some Sweet Apple Murders.

Topher: Kill a few more and we’ll have a sweet apple massacre! Enjoy your flashbacks, everyone!

Sigma: That fic is pretty tame, honestly.

Crazy56U: Well, I refuse to read it, so I’ll take your word for it.

Dark Angel: (holding a Sweet Apple Massacre sign) DAMNIT Topher! You beat me to that joke too!

but NONE of them deliberately tried to kill me! But I DID! I heard Applebloom tell Big mac and Ganny Smith what happened,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “My ears could detach from me at will to help me with reconnaissance, so they snuck towards the apple family, that way I could hear what they were saying.”

Sigma: Good thing Apple Bloom isn’t telling Big Mac and Granny Smith! Then she might ACTUALLY be in trouble with AJ’s family!

Crazy56U: Thankfully, they weren’t paying attention to her. She tried convincing them that Rainbow killed Applejack last week as an attempt to get a cutie mark in lying...

so I ran away

Crazy56U: So far away...

before they could catch me. And I ran home,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It sure is a great thing I tied down my cloud home to the ground.”

Scarlet: And that her hoof isn’t leaving a massive blood trail to lead the inevitable police pursuit right… back… um, you’re gonna need a lawyer.

Dark Angel: Someone call Phoenix Wright.

Topher: Ponyville police follows POSTAL 2 police logic. Unless a cop is looking right at you when you do it, It’s fine.

Sigma: …why am I reminded of Skyrim by that?

Crazy56U: Because it’s like this fan fic? You know… shit!

hoping that they wouldn’t come looking for me, but even if they did, they can’t walk on clouds, so I am MOSTLY safe.

NaturalGlitch: ...your wing is broken.

SC276: Aaaaaand we just took a left turn into whatever-the-fuck-the-author-wants-is-what-will-happenville.

Sigma: It’s easier if you just call it Bullshitville.

Crazy56U: Or Fox News Land.

It was night yet again, and now, instead of nightmares of my friends treating me like dirt, I dreamed about me killing all of my friends!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It sure is a great thing I don’t have friends that can use magic to walk on clouds, teleport, or even write to Princess Celestia about what I did. Phew!”

Crazy56U: And it’s also a very good thing that you don’t know an alicorn that can enter ponies’ dreams! Otherwise, you just implicated yourself with that nightmare!

I couldn’t believe it, but after killing Applejack, I was unsure. Now I drifted deeper into insanity.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “But I was sane enough to know I was slipping, so I wasn’t that crazy.”

Scarlet: Actual Hinamizawa syndrome- averted. Now we’re back in stupidland.

SC276: Saves us having to deal with time travel, so I’ll take it.

Scarlet: Spoilers!

SC276: It’s a When They Cry game! Time travel’s basically a given!

Crazy56U: Now, if only I played Eternal Darkness, then I could make a joke here...

What was originally a nightmare turned into a thought, a reality, and now, I had to stay secluded. I was trapped in an insane asylum where my mind was completely lost,

NaturalGlitch: Where’s Luna? I guess her and Princess Celestia are handling King Sombra after he found the Alicorn Amulet.

Sigma: Plot twist - she really IS in an insane asylum and this is all her imagination!

Crazy56U: So, this is actually a crossover with “Asylum” then?

Dark Angel: Plot twist - It’s not Rainbow Dash who’s in an insane asylum. It is us who are in an insane asylum. The fanfic that we think we’re reading doesn’t even exist. It’s just a creation of our own minds from going insane from all of the shitty fics we’ve riffed! In fact the Rainbow Factory isn’t even a place, it’s a state of mind! In order for someone to manage to escape and stop the death and destruction that the Rainbow Factory causes, you have to kill and destroy! And thus the death and destruction is passed on! IT’S A NEVER ENDING VICIOUS CYCLE!

Scarlet: Chill. It’s just a murderous impulse. They pass.

I was groaning and wheezing, and saying consistently, “I will kill them, I will kill them, I will kill them!”

Sigma: Well, at least THAT’S consistent, unlike OTHER parts of this fic.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!”

Then I screamed and then woke up.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Time to change the bed sheets...again.”

Topher: Then I noticed I was thirsty. Then I got out of bed. Then I got a glass of water then I went back to bed.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Huh, I feel great! ...I’m gonna go kill the others!”

It was still night, but I couldn’t sleep, so I went downstairs and fixed myself a midnight snack.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “That’s when ninjas attacked me! Again!”

Scarlet: Well, based on previous trends, she’ll lose her tail this time. And possibly an ear.

Sigma: So when does she lose her virginity?

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: She lost it during “Fall Weather Friends”.

NaturalGlitch: (vomits everything he has ever eaten)

Crazy56U: ...you’re cleaning that up, you know...

I made an apple pie which brought me to tears as it reminded me of Applejack, the friend I killed.

Waterpear: It’s sort of like cannibalism.

SC276: Baking a pie takes a while. Were you crying for the entire… *looks up apple pie recipe* ...hour and a half?

Sigma: [Rainbow] “By ‘made’ I mean bought from Pinkie, who I proceeded to back away from while hissing.”

Crazy56U: Actually, Rainbow had stolen a pie from Sweet Apple Acres last week, so she just needed to warm it in the microwave.

As I ate the pie, I felt nothing but regret; regret that I ever killed my friend.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Maybe if I pretend to be Applejack, nopony would ever know!”

Scarlet: “Dammit Pinkie! We told you to serve her humble pie! Not soul-crushing regret!’

Topher: “And also regret for all those empty calories.”

Crazy56U: Well, then why did you make an apple pie? You could’ve made a blueberry

one!

My mane was all over the place,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “On the couch, on the ceiling, in my teeth...”

Sigma: [Rainbow] “In the candle, in the flames, in the crumbling ashes of my house...”

Dark Angel: I’m keeping a piece of her mane as a pet… (spills brain bleach on himself) (shudders) I’m okay, I’m okay!

Topher: Seriously dude? Use a funnel like a civilized person! You got some on me, and now I don’t remember how to breathe. (falls over)

Crazy56U: (pokes Topher with a stick) ...you okay, buddy? (keeps poking)

Dark Angel: If he is okay, would that actually stop you from poking him?

Crazy56U: (is now jabbing Topher) Depends if he actually gets up or not...

it was messier than anything I have ever seen. Turns out, I had blood in my mane, and it was a horrible sight.

NaturalGlitch: Not that it can be easily seen in your mane, since a part of it is red.

Scarlet: I’ve actually had to wash blood off a rainbow-patterned fabric. There is not nearly enough red to disguise it all.

Crazy56U: Eh, I’ve seen American Psycho, it’s not that horrible.

Apparently, applejack’s blood was actually spilled when I strangled her to death.

SC276: How the everloving hell did that happen?

NaturalGlitch: Turns out Applejack made her pies with literal blood, sweat and tears!

Sigma: So she stole this pie from AJ while she strangled her?

Crazy56U: Unless you manage to tear open Applejack’s throat while strangling her, I doubt that’s what happened...

And now, I went out again to get some fresh air. The insanity I suffered was luckily just temporary at THAT time.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I waited until my magicka regenerated, then used my Heal All spell.”

Crazy56U: Little does Rainbow know that she’s still insane: she’s hallucinating going outside.

So I went to visit Rarity.

SC276: In the middle of the night? Rarity is the kind to value her beauty sleep. There’s no way she’s open right now.

Crazy56U: Oh, dear, Rarity’s next to go!

Just to let out steam. But it was nowhere near letting out steam.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Turns out I let out some seams; I guess the dress really was too tight for me.”

SC276: No, it’s because she’s running on diesel.

Sigma: That’s what she gets for not being PC Master Race.

Crazy56U: Man, Ponyville must have a shitty Internet connection if she can’t open Steam...

I walked into her boutique and said, “Hey Rarity, how are you?” Thankfully, she hadn’t heard about Applejack,

SC276: Yeah, a murder happened in one of the biggest businesses in the town, and there was a witness. Who immediately told others. There is no way in fucking hell that Rarity doesn’t know everything about it.

Crazy56U: Shhhhh. Let her pretend.

so she said. “I am just fine darling; I was just making a dress for Applejack.”

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “It’s made from a special kind of slick that wicks away any kind of dirt; perfect for working hard and showing the world your inner beauty at the same time!”

Scarlet: “Hi Rainbow, come in, I was just putting together some crushing irony.”

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “It’s a good thing she’s still alive, so that she can appreciate this! I’m sorry, Rainbow, did you need something?”

“What?” I asked.

“I am making a dress for Applejack's big appearance at the Appaloosa state fair. Doesn’t it just scream ‘Southern’?”

NaturalGlitch: The words “Southern” were stitched on the front of the dress in bold letters. [Rarity] “A little too obvious?”

Topher: [Rainbow] “I’m not sure she’ll appreciate the words ‘GO DOWN SOUTH’ Written on her flank.”

Crazy56U: I don’t know, I don’t see a Confederate flag anywhere on it...

“Uh, yeah, of course.”

“Is something on your mind darling?”

Waterpear: In this realm of madness, it’s good to know that Rarity still says “darling”.

SC276: And apparently nothing else.

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “Rainbow, did you kill Applejack? Because it looks like you killed

Applejack.”

“What NO, No, um… No I’m fine.”

“Well, at least you’re okay.”

Sigma: She has a hole in a hoof and wounds all over her body apparently, she has a BROKEN WING, and she’s probably mentally unstable. ...Yeah, she’s fine.

Crazy56U: She’s had worse days…

Dark Angel: At least she doesn’t have to riff a shitty prequel story to Rainbow Factory.

Um…”

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “...my wing is broken.” [Rarity] “Oh dear! Wait—why aren’t you at the hospital right now?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Do you have any of Fluttershy’s brownies left? I need them for… ...no real reason…”

Dark Angel: Actually, I think I could use a few of those brownies myself.

“Anyway, this dress is sure to give her a great charm at the fair, it’ll be…” A knock on the door cuts her off.

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “Was I decapitated by door knocking again? Goodness gracious me.”

SC276: Who keeps letting the tense out of the cage? You know that’s the only thing keeping it from changing repeatedly!

Crazy56U: “OPEN UP, IT’S THE PLOT!”

Sigma: This fic has a plot?

Dark Angel: [Rarity] “A plot? Rainbow, did you order us some strippers? Because it you did, then this will end up being a short show.”

NaturalGlitch: (vomits everything he will eat; it’s future vomit)

Crazy56U: ...okay, that’s confusing…

Dark Angel: Yeah, well so is this fic.

Rarity went to open the door to reveal a weeping Twilight. Rarity said, “Twilight, what brings you here darling? I was just making a dress for Applejack.”

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “She’ll just die when she sees it!”

Crazy56U: (ba-dum-tish)

She noticed Twilight’s tears and asked, “What is it Darling?”

SC276: OK, that’s like five “darlings” in the span of a minute, and that’s with some generous rounding.

Crazy56U: Rarity’s drunk. She calls everyone ‘Darling’ while drunk.

NaturalGlitch: Drunk off what? Salt cubes and sugar water?

Crazy56U: Wine. Duh.

NaturalGlitch: I thought Rarity binges on Ice Cream. I must've missed an episode.

Crazy56U: I was making a joke, you chucklefuck.

NaturalGlitch: Are jokes like using my ovipositors to lay eggs? I totally am not an alien trying to conquer the world, by the way. Nope.

Crazy56U: ...you had one of Fluttershy’s brownies, didn’t you...

Then Twilight replied with a trembling voice,

Sigma: [Twilight] “They’re making an Equestria Girls 3!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I just found out what this story is supposed to be a prequel to…”

NaturalGlitch: You make that sound like a bad thing, Sigma.

“Applejack is dead!”

Waterpear: God is dead. This fic killed him.

Sigma: What are you talking about? I’m right here.

SC276: You’re the Alpha and the Omega. That’s a different thing.

Crazy56U: All I choose to get out of this is that Sigma’s next to die by Rainbow’s hooves.

Dark Angel: (points to Sigma) Sic ‘em, Dash! Sic ‘em!

And at that moment, Silence hit the room for about five minutes,

NaturalGlitch: [Silence] “Let’s get this party started!”

Topher: Unfortunately, Silence perished the moment the music started.

Crazy56U: Goody, another corpse for the pile.

Dark Angel: [Rainbow] “It needs to be about 20% more silent.”

and then Rarity started to cry, “Whatever do you mean darling, she isn’t really dead is she?”

Scarlet: “We couldn’t, say, puppet her body around on a stage for an hour or so with this new dress on it? I did spend all weekend…”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Only if I get to do the voices.”

SC276: It took you five minutes to think of that question?

Crazy56U: Well, it took one, really. The other four were spent thinking of how to

redesign Applejack’s dress so she could be buried in it.

Then Twilight said, “She is…” She sniffed, “Her funeral is at Sweet Apple Acres at 4:00 pm.”

Scarlet: Arranged within less than twenty-four hours of her murder, with full police approval. God of Shenanigans, thy works are many and great.

Crazy56U: Who said the police were involved? In this world, the police are more than likely a myth.

I could do nothing but stay silent, while obviously struggling to keep myself from saying that I killed her.

Scarlet: Because there weren’t. You know. Witnesses. Or a blood trail. Or- why haven’t you started to suspect this whole scenario, again?

SC276: Apple Bloom saw Rainbow kill her, and Rainbow did nothing to silence her. She should be getting hauled away right now!

Crazy56U: Again, I theorize that Big Mac and Granny Smith refused to listen to her. And, by extension, no one else listened to her.

SC276: ...Crazy, that would actually make sense.

Crazy56U: ...fuck, I’m sorry, I had no idea...

The tears were unbearable, I could see just how depressed Twilight and Rarity were,

NaturalGlitch: So… Apple Bloom saw Rainbow kill Applejack, told her family, and now Twilight knows they’re holding a funeral... Why isn’t Twilight at least questioning Rainbow?

Crazy56U: Because Rainbow doesn’t look the slightest guilty, duh!

their tears were flowing from their eyes like a waterfall, quickly hitting the lowest possible point it could hit, practically flooding the room with salty water from the eyes of the two friends I majorly disappointed.

Scarlet: “Rainbow, we are just, like, extremely disappointed to hear that you strangled Applejack until blood started leaking from her body into your mane. Also, how the shit did you manage that.”

NaturalGlitch: Their tears even made a little river they could swim in.

SC276: (puts on a captain's hat and gets in a dinghy)

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “(sniff) Rainbow, I just mopped here. Could you not?”

It just happened to be 3:55 pm,

Topher: Check ‘em.

Crazy56U: Wait, I thought it was still the middle of the night?

Dark Angel: It was. But Rainbow Dash got in contact with Doctor Whooves before visiting Rarity.

so the funeral began in 5 minutes.

Waterpear: [Pinkie] Oh, it’s only Applejack’s funeral. Let’s get this over with so we can party!

SC276: It was the middle of the night like ten minutes ago!! Even then, Twilight is the master of scheduling; she would never give anyone five minutes notice to a funeral!

Crazy56U: What is it with the riffs I take part in where time is as consistent as tapioca?!

When the funeral started, everypony was saying kind words about how much of a good friend Applejack was.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Her hat (HONK!) was so cute on her (HONK!) head, and now nopony can ever (HONK! HONK!) fill her hat up like she could!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Pinkie, would you fuck off with the bike horn?”

Pinkie Pie talked about how she always baked with her at the farm, Fluttershy didn’t even get on stage to say anything,

Waterpear: But you just said “everypony.” FLUTTERSHY IS A CHANGELING.

NaturalGlitch: Changelings!~

885199__safe_queen+chrysalis_idw_spoiler-colon-comic_artist-colon-andypriceart_spoiler-colon-comicfiendshipismagic5_king+orion.jpeg

Crazy56U: ...o-or, you know… ...she was too depressed to say anything...

Twilight talked about pretty much everything we loved about Applejack, and Rarity just had a dramatic breakdown after mentioning that she had a dress planned for Applejack's honorable trip to Appaloosa.

Dark Angel: We all know Rarity had a dramatic breakdown. But what was her reaction when she was talking about Applejack?

Scarlet: And the accompanying corset for her planned and rather dishonorable trip to the local kink fest.

NaturalGlitch; [Rarity] “Sure it would’ve crushed her ribs, but it was the very same corset I showed Twilight when she first arrived in Ponyville.” (HONK!)

Sigma: Rarity is a goose, headcanon confirmed.

SC276: “Honorable?” No disrespect to the Apples or anything, but she’s a cowboy, not Japanese.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “God DAMN IT Rarity, I just got done telling off Pinkie for using that bike horn!”

And then she asked, “Rainbow dash; have you anything to say about our good friend? Come up and say…”

Scarlet: “I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT-” “Dash, everyone knows it was you. We were looking for a eulogy.” “Oooohhhhhhh.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Your confession. We all know you did it, so just say it already.”

Her sentence was cut off by her breathing deeply and then she continued, “A few kind words about our dearest partner.”

Scarlet: ...Twijack confirmed?

NaturalGlitch: Like we needed another sparkly vampire book.

Sigma: Those aren’t vampires, those are fairies.

Crazy56U: Huh, didn’t know the Mane 6 founded a business together...

When she said this, I felt so overwhelmed with guilt,

Dark Angel: It was probably just gas.

Crazy56U: ...I hope that means she burped...

I ran away from the funeral, with nothing to say but, “I’M SORRY!” Then I disappeared from their sight.

Scarlet: Fortunately, even with her wings broken Rainbow Dash has mastered the art of the teleport.

Crazy56U: Yeah, but, unfortunately-

I was now at home again, where Twilight Sparkle just happened to visit me.

Crazy56U: So has Twilight.

She asked me, “Rainbow dash, do you know what happened to… Applejack?”

NaturalGlitch: Did the Apple family keep it a secret?! How do you not know?!

SC276: For fuck’s sake, someone died! This isn’t America; people are going to care!

Crazy56U: Hey now, not everyone in America is like that. It’s just the assholeish portion that doesn’t care…

Topher: The combination of sensationalist media, violent video games, and deep fried cheesy butter has lead to me being completely desensitized to death! watch! (shoots scarlet in the head) See? That’ guy’s dead, there’s blood everywhere, and I feel nothing.*cough* except the hunger for more *cough* WHO SAID THAT?

Scarlet: Ow. Warn me next time you’re going to shoot me fatally!

Dark Angel: Well, if you were warned, then it wouldn’t be a random killing…how are you still alive?

Scarlet: Because I’m a witch.

Crazy56U: Hmm... (dumps bucket of water on Scarlet)

Then Twilight breathed in deeply.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] (mentally) iknowyoudiditconfess, iknowyoudiditconfess,

iknowyoudidit-

I was now overcome with my conscience and I admitted, “I Killed her!”

Sigma: [Twilight] “Literally or in the ‘Darth Vader killed your father’ way?”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “FINALLY! I was getting sick of waiting for you to admit it!”

Then I covered my face with m hooves. Twilight said, “What!?” She was now welling up in tears, “You killed her?”

Scarlet: “Seriously? I mean it was so obvious it was you I actually thought to myself that you couldn’t possibly have been that stupid and that it had to be a frame job!”

Crazy56U: I’m actually astounded that Twilight asked that...

“Yes, I did.”

“But, but…. But WHY!? Why would you do this!?”

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Because of the stuff—and the thing.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “This is a shitty story, Twilight! That’s why!”

“She said I deserved what happened to my wing because of her, that I ‘Needed’ To be ‘Grounded’ for my ‘Behavior’, but I didn’t! She had NO RIGHT to just BREAK MY WING like that!”

Scarlet: “So you killed her for acting incredibly out of character?” “EXACTLY!”

NaturalGlitch: Go. To. A. Hospital!

Crazy56U: Gee, it’s almost like having Rainbow’s wings get broken was a stupid idea...

“Well apparently, she did. Why don’t you just take the body and get rid of it? You’ve already taken away our friendship, how is taking Applejack’s body any different!?”

Scarlet: Um. Did Twilight just implicitly tell Rainbow to just go trash the evidence?

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Why don’t you grind Applejack up into pies and serve them to her family?! Huh?!”

Sigma: Ooh, Titus Andronicus, Ponyville Edition!

Crazy56U: What Twilight doesn’t know is that Rainbow put Applejack’s corpse under her bed.

Then she stomped away. I knew at this point that I needed some way to atone for my sin of murder, so I decided to build a facility that would take Applejack’s dead body, and make it great.

Waterpear: Instead of going to jail, Rainbow Dash builds a factory. Looks like murder is legal in Equestria.

NaturalGlitch: Not even going to send her to Tartarus, huh?

SC276: Wait, if there was a funeral, shouldn’t her body have been buried?

Sigma: ...Seriously. This is really going that way.

Dark Angel: Does that really surprise you?

Crazy56U: ...that’s how the Rainbow Factory came to be? ...then, how is this story not over yet?

I didn’t know how to do that though, but then I realized that there was a major shortage in Rainbows, so I thought of a way to make them, artificially.

NaturalGlitch: But… that was already a thing in the very first season!

Crazy56U: Plotholes haven’t stopped the author before, why would they now?

RJ: Rainbow Dash, the Heisenberg of Cloudsdale.

And with that thought, a great Factory was to be made.

Scarlet: Okay, fair warning to all who tread beyond this point: This is the bit where the story descends from a mere rating of “terrible” into “ludicrously and amazingly insane.” I’m not sure anything I can riff will be one-tenth as funny as the following words are all on their own.

SC276: This fic trashed all logic out the window within the last page or so. How could it possibly get worse?

Sigma: With a little thing called effort.

Crazy56U: After enduring Spike’s monologue from that Creepypasta, I doubt what follows will be worse for me…

Dark Angel: You mean this fic gets worse?! How is that even bucking possible?! I already lost my cool once!

NaturalGlitch: You can say the word “fucking” instead of “bucking.” It’s OK. We’re here for you.

Dark Angel: I know. I just hate doing the obvious.

I had to think of the design, the blueprints for the exterior and the floor plan for the interior.

NaturalGlitch: Why aren’t you in jail?

SC276: That what I want to know!

Crazy56U: Rainbow faked her death and is doing this in secret.

I was going to make the best factory there ever was. I hired a few spare Pegasi to help me build it,

Scarlet: “Hey, Cloud Kicker, wanna help me atone for murdering my best friend and also help me hide the body?” “Sure, but only if there’s banging involved.”

NaturalGlitch: ...can Cloud Kicker be grinded into rainbows? Please?

SC276: Let’s grind the fic into rainbows.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, say what you want about the “Winning Pony” series, you have to admit they are at least better than this fic…

SC276: ...I was talking about this fic.

Crazy56U: ...and that disproves my point how exactly?

Dark Angel: And besides, if you tried to grind this fic into rainbows, All you’d get is shit.

but I was going to make it a surprise, so all who knew of the factory were sworn to secrecy lest death take them.

Scarlet: Death, as we all know, is a terrible gossip.

Sigma: Especially to Binky. He thinks horse can tell no secrets, but oh did he learn his lesson.

Crazy56U: I want to ask what you’re referring to… but I don’t think I want to know…

Scarlet: A great man’s passing, Crazy. A great man’s passing. Also, the next Pratchett referencer in relation to this fic will be shot on sight.

Topher: … (dejectedly puts away prop scythe)

I was up every day and every night,

NaturalGlitch: Still with a broken wing, I bet.

Crazy56U: By this point, I’m willing to bet that the author forgot about that…

Dark Angel: Hell, the author forgot what the actual history of the Rainbow Factory really is.

just trying to build a fantastic facility, which was going to be able to make Rainbows artificially.

Scarlet: But this was only phase one of my plan. Phase two required rewiring Applejack into my cyborg minion. And from there, phase three- the ultimate pranking revenge!

SC276: So, if grinding ponies into Spectra is the artificial way - which I really don’t think it actually is by the original fic - what’s the natural way? Keep in mind we’re talking about Equestria, where the ponies need a massive race to make leaves fall off the trees in autumn.

Sigma: The closest there is to a natural way is by filtering pegasus piss through a salsa batter, a prism, and a package of water balloons, all of which are found naturally in clouds.

Crazy56U: Huh, interesting. Excuse me for a second. (pukes onto the floor)

Dark Angel: In other… (steps over puddle of puke) …in other words, channeling the spirit of Macgyver.

The design was perfect! The idea was Amazing,

NaturalGlitch: [Amazing] “Despite my name, I’m not that great.”

Crazy56U: Well, amazing in concept, anyway…

Dark Angel: The idea was amazing… but then it was shit on by this shameful attempted at a prequel.

and the whole plan was just the right thing to do.

NaturalGlitch: To turn yourself in for your crimes?

Crazy56U: Again, in concept.

I designed the factory to shoot out the colors of the Rainbow using the blood of Applejack

Dark Angel: Something about the way that’s worded doesn’t sit right with me for some reason.

Crazy56U: Uh, I doubt Applejack would still have blood at this point...

to create the liquid which became the Rainbow that was launched out.

Scarlet: I have seen thy face, oh God of Shenanigans, and it is here in these words. I am humbled by thy presence.

SC276: I’m pretty sure I have a better memory of the original Rainbow Factory than this author.

Sigma: Shhh, no, this is funny. Let it go on.

Crazy56U: ...that’s not how blood works...

I was building for Days, months, YEARS even, just trying to make sure that everything was PERFECT!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Should the break room be over there or over there? Hmm...”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Hmm… Should the carpeting be blue, or green…”

Dark Angel: [Worker] “Well, this is a Rainbow Factory. So why not have the carpeting rainbow colored?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “(shoots Worker) Hmm... blue... or green...”

I kept working and working with the help of others to design a factory so devious that it couldn’t possibly be flawed.

Scarlet: “Mayor Mare, wanna subsidize my construction of a factory that creates rainbows out of the blood of my murder victim’s corpse?” “Well, the local job market has been stagnant…”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Thanks again for helping me out, by the way.”

[Twilight] “Remind me again why I haven’t had you arrested, yet?”

Dark Angel: [Police officer #1] “Wasn’t there a murder a while back?”

[Police officer #2] “Yeah, what about it?”

[Police officer #1] “Why have we never arrested the murderer?”

Crazy56U: [Police officer #2] “I thought it was because we stopped caring?”

But the factory took forever to build,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “A whole week!”

Crazy56U: Two whole minutes, that’s a long time...

the days became months, months became years, and years became Decades.

Scarlet: Which, sadly, became the base breaker of Kamen Rider fandom. And I just lost every single reader with that one.

Sigma: ...I feel sad for still keeping with you on that one.

NaturalGlitch: (head deflates)

SC276: I’m pretty sure Scootaloo was still a filly in the original story. After decades, she’s probably gotten married and started a family by now.

Sigma: Yeah, fair point. Wait, if this uses AJ’s blood, and it’s been decades… What blood’s gonna be left?

Crazy56U: I guess Rainbow managed to bullshit a way to have her corpse keep pumping blood...

And after YEARS of hard work and determination, I finally finished it, The Rainbow Factory!

Scarlet: “I wanted to call it the Fountain of Technicolor Blood Awesomeness, but my lawyers talked me out of it.”

NaturalGlitch: “I decided that would be my band name instead.”

Crazy56U: (blows a noisemaker half-heartedly)

It was a beautiful, yet HUMONGOUS building that had more machines than any other you’ve ever known!

Scarlet: “I counted every single one AND read your mind so I could confirm it!”

Crazy56U: Is that so? Well, here, have a gold star!

The building was in the sky right below the Weather Factory, in fact, it was PART of the weather Factory.

Scarlet: “Hey Weather Factory owners, wanna help me convert a corpse into magical glowing liquid?” “What’s it going to cost us?” “All the money.” “WE’RE IN!”

Crazy56U: That… makes way too much sense...

It was over 20,000 Feet high with Exhaust pipes that were sticking out of the roof, and they were eventually going to be letting out steam and smoke that would otherwise cause the place to overheat.

NaturalGlitch: Oh goody, I was hoping you would describe it!

SC276: Wait, if the Rainbow Factory is below the Weather Factory, and the exhaust is going out through the roof, that means they’re… pumping exhaust into the rest of the Weather Factory. ...Suppose they have to get that initial Spectra from somewhere…

Dark Angel: I’m so glad I’m not the only one who noticed that.

Crazy56U: I feel ripped off, I was told that this part was funny...

The building was also 40,000 feet in width and yet had a dark and fearsome atmosphere.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It was spooky because I told you it was. BOO!”

Topher: OH GOD I’M SO SPOOPED!

Sigma: So is this a Warhammer crossover now?

Crazy56U: (yawn) Ah, yes, definitely spoopy. (yawn) ...definitely spoop- (falls asleep)

It was amazing; this factory was going to be working for eons to come.

Scarlet: Famous last words checklist, please!

Topher: Ugh, FINE!

NaturalGlitch: Why is there the word “Duck!” written on here? What was that noise—

Crazy56U: (wakes up) Because Rainbow is now the God of Engineering.

It was entirely made out of steel that was nearly impossible to break, and ladders were not available, for the factory was made for Pegasi.

Scarlet: Damn it! Rainbow, I told you all last time! The only good racism is that applied to perverse, foul-mouthed, lazy griffins!

NaturalGlitch: Yeah! ...where are the perverse, foul-mouthed and lazy griffons? Are they behind the shadow ponies?

Crazy56U: ...but, what if the Pegasi are unable to fly?

Dark Angel: *cough*Scootaloo*cough*. I must be coming down with something.

I was overcome with joy and excitement, I was filled with such pride and confidence, I could hardly keep it in.

NaturalGlitch: Cleanup on aisle three!

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow exploded. The End.

This was the most Awesome design in the history of factories, it still fills me with pride today.

NaturalGlitch: [Awesome, blushing] Aww, gee... Well, I couldn’t have done it without my sister—Sauce!

Crazy56U: (falls back asleep)

And NOW it was time for the final touch.

Dark Angel: …Giggidy…

Scarlet: Lightning bolts painted on literally every surface. In six colors. With glow-in-the-dark-paint.

Crazy56U: (wakes up) Glow-in-the-dark? You mad man...

I went to the graveyard where applejack’s body was buried.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Unfortunately, I forgot this was a cursed graveyard and I had to fight off all the zombies first.”

Crazy56U: Wait, when you started building the fucking factory, you didn’t get Applejack’s corpse right away?!

I found her grave which read “Applejack, the most incredible and honest pony in all of Equestria, and loving granddaughter of Granny Smith and amazing sister of Applebloom and Big Macintosh.”

Scarlet: They got that all engraved within less than twenty-four hours?

NaturalGlitch: What about Apple Bloom?

SC276: Has the author ever seen an actual gravestrone?

Sigma: Seriously, if the rainbows use blood, AJ’s gonna have none left at this point. Am I wrong, or do corpses not maintain it for that long?

Crazy56U: At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Rainbow never thought of that.

Topher: Not a bad epitaph, but I want mine to include multiple uses of the phrase “Sexual Tyrannosaur.”

Crazy56U: Mine’s gonna say “So long, suckers!”...

Here, I stared at the grave, for hours, weeping, and crying about how I lost… no… killed her.

Scarlet: The police just kind of decided she was too stupid to even bother arresting.

Dark Angel: I’d honestly believe that.

NaturalGlitch: It didn’t even sound like crying anymore; Rainbow sounded like a truck downshifting on the highway.

SC276: “Here lies Rainbow’s hopes and dreams.” What a baby.

Crazy56U: Wait, did you honestly forget that you murdered Applejack?

Then I said, “You know AJ, you were really somepony weren’t you, a great friend, honest, dependable, and more loyal than I’ll ever be again.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Except that I’m the embodiment of loyalty, and you’re dead.”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “RD, I’ve come back from the dead to tell you to shove it.”

Dark Angel: I’d believe that, considering how much of a bitch Rainbow Dash was being.

I killed you for no real reason,

Scarlet: “Other than the fact that you literally took the sky from me out of petty revenge for some perceived arrogance on my part and yeah on second thought, fuck you.”

SC276: “Didn’t you ever watch Firefly? You can’t take the sky from me, bitch!”

Sigma: I feel like the author isn’t even remembering their OWN story at this point. Jesus Christ.

Crazy56U: Not surprising, honestly.

but now, hehe, now you’re gone, but I am going to take your dead body, and I will make a rainbow in your honor!

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “I’m trying to feed the worms here—do you mind?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “After all, it’s been like, what, a year? Your corpse is still as fresh as the day I killed ya!”

Topher: [Rainbow] “Do you moisturize?”

I promise you, it will be the most vivid Rainbow ever seen!!”

Scarlet: “Like, seriously! Spontaneous pride parades in two countries over-level vivid!”

SC276: You are literally talking to a dead pony.

Crazy56U: ...you just now realized this?

And with that, I dug down to her coffin and opened it.

NaturalGlitch: How did you not pass out from the smell?

Crazy56U: However, it turns out the coffin was empty. Someone beat Rainbow to the punch...

But what I saw shocked me. Her Color was COMPLETELY gone!

Scarlet: “She’d been Discorded the whole time!”

Sigma: [Rainbow] “Suddenly, I knew that I never killed AJ… I killed GRAY-J!”

Crazy56U: Oh shit! CORPSES ROT!

I was horrified and despaired at the fact that I could now no longer make that rainbow in her honor.

Waterpear: Oh, Applejack. Even in death, you don’t contribute anything to the story.

Crazy56U: Applejack is probably laughing at her from beyond the grave right now...

“NOOOOOOO!!!!!” I shouted. “Darn IT!” How could I forget about Spectrum!

Scarlet: Guys I know this is the internet, but please stop ascribing all unpleasantness in the behavior of others to autism.

NaturalGlitch: [Spectrum] “Don’t worry about me. (sniff) I’m used to it...”

Topher: [Rainbow] “Could be worse. Could be raining.” *Torrential Downpour* “DAMMIT CLOUD KICKER!”

SC276: It’s called Spectra! SPECTRA! For fuck’s sake, author!

Crazy56U: I think it’s more important to ask how you forgot how corpses work…

Dark Angel: Her memory isn’t that great and she spent decades working on the Rainbow Factory.

I buried the coffin but took the body to Twilight’s now rebuilt library.

NaturalGlitch: ...wait—what? Did this seriously take place in the middle of the last episode of season four?! Or did I miss that part in the fic?

SC276: What is with people being unable to accept changes in the status quo?

Sigma: I have no fucking idea. Continuity may as well not exist here.

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, Twilight gave up giving a shit about Rainbow killing Applejack, and decided to just ignore her.

Topher: Next time, let’s riff the spin-off fic about how Rainbow smuggled AJs corpse around my pretending it was alive! “Weekend at AJ’s!”

I found a book about how a ponies color is there. It said, “Spectrum, the colorful liquid in a ponies pumping and beating blood flow

Scarlet: Okay, my mistake, it’s just Magic Bullshit.

NaturalGlitch: I guess this Rainbow really didn’t pay attention in class at all.

SC276: And the author didn’t pay attention to the original fic.

Dark Angel: Are you just now realizing that?

Crazy56U: Are we sure Rainbow didn’t just pick up a fantasy book by mistake?

as they are alive, to spread their color throughout their bodies thereby giving a colorful glow to that pony. Unicorn, Earth pony, Pegasus, or Alicorn, they all have Spectrum in their living blood.”

Scarlet: So literally the entirety of ponykind are sentient glow sticks which haven’t yet been snapped?

Topher: SO that’s why Rainbow started glowing after she fell down the stairs!

NaturalGlitch: What about Crystal ponies, Mere-ponies, Umbrums or the Thestrals, huh?

Crazy56U: Literally the entirety of ponykind, Glitch. Stop asking stupid questions.

Dark Angel: Telling Glitch to stop asking stupid questions is like telling a pegasus not to fly. You can’t just tell them, you have to break her wings so that Rainbow will stay grounded, even though her stabbed hoof should make it difficult to walk…wait…

“Ugh, IDIOT! Of COURSE!!! A pony’s spectrum only flows when they are alive. Now that applejack was dead for 13 years,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “And I still haven’t gone to the hospital for my broken wing!”

SC276: That’s not “decades,” author!

Sigma: Your first mistake, SC, is expecting continuity.

Crazy56U: Space is warped, and time is bendable.

her Spectrum no longer exists in her body! I’m SO STUPID!!!!” I shouted to myself.

Topher: Yes.

Scarlet: Rainbow then began a targeted campaign of revenge against herself for calling herself a stupid failure.

SC276: Actually, if Spectra is anything like carbon-14 but with a much shorter half-life, there’s probably still a small amount left.

Crazy56U: Well, at least she admits it.

I knew about this, but it slipped my mind, and now it is too late. That is when I came to an evil realization. “It has to be LIVE ponies, not dead ones. IT HAS TO BE LIVING PONIES!

NaturalGlitch: So… why is there a shortage of rainbows again? Why do they need another factory to make them out of ponies? Why.... why… why… why...?

SC276: Or the just recently dead ones. You only know it’s all gone after thirteen years, you don’t know how much corpses have left after, say, a week. Just buy them off the morgue!

Crazy56U: And so, the author manages to fix one plot hole out of the 2000 they created.

Then live ponies I shall get!” And with that, my conscience left me, and I was corrupted;

NaturalGlitch: What—does she have some kind of meter she can read or something?

SC276: “TOTAL CORRUPTION.”

Sigma: Dark Dashus confirmed for Smash Bros.

Crazy56U: Oh sure, make Dark Dashus a fighter and not Waluigi? Is there any fucking justice in the world?!

Topher: KING K ROOL 2016!

focused on only 2 things, Teaching Scootaloo how to fly so she won’t come here, and using live ponies’ blood to make artificial Rainbows.

Waterpear: Or...you could just not do this and remove any risk of having to kill Scootaloo.

Topher: Because she already had the testing system prepped and ready to go before she even considered that using live ponies might be an option.

Sigma: ...Wait, if she didn’t know she’d need live ponies and not dead ones, how would she even know it would work?

Crazy56U: Because shut up.

And so the bloodshed began.

NaturalGlitch: “—tomorrow.”

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Slayer.

I went on a hunt, for living ponies. I decided that I would get as many as possible to make the rainbows, so now, my workers went out and got some, and then I went to get my own.

Scarlet: “Hey, Cloud Kicker, new plan. We’re just gonna murder the shit out of some ponies so we can make pretty rainbows.” “Just so we’re clear- there will be banging first, right?”

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “The only banging you’ll hear is me ramming your stupid head into the machine first. Now get moving!”

Crazy56U: I’d like to think Flash Sentry was the first to go...

NaturalGlitch: What, did he wreck your OTP?

Crazy56U: Nah, I just don’t like him. (shrug)

Scarlet: Code for “wrecked my OTP”, in other words. It’s okay. We’re here for you.

Crazy56U: Look, would you two stop, Flash Sentry has nothing to do with any “supposed” OTPs of mine, okay? (coughchryslestiacough) Drop it.

NaturalGlitch: Like it’s hot? And then we party like rock stars? Pleasesayyes, pleasesayyes, pleasesayyes.

Crazy56U: (dead eyed glare)

First of all, I wanted to get back at Pinkie for all of those cruel pranks. So I went to Sugar cube corner.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Which is now Sugar Cube Mall.”

SC276: A lot can happen when you leave society for thirteen years.

Crazy56U: Glad to know Pinkie decided to buy out Sugar Cube Corner and expand it.

I didn’t even bother to knock, I didn’t care if the door was locked, I kicked it right off of its hinges.

Scarlet: Causing it to rebound off a carefully placed trampoline straight back into her face.

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Come in!”

I heard Pinkie pie screaming when she knew of my intentions,

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “My crystal ball warned me about this!”

Topher: I’d love to see the Pinkie sense combo for that one!

Crazy56U: There was none. She read the fanfic and knew this was going to happen.

she attempted to run, but I caught her and dragged her off.

NaturalGlitch: Didn’t Rainbow have a hard time trying to fly away from her?

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s currently powered by rage. Rage trumps Pinkie’s nonsense.

Dark Angel: Yeah, but Rainbow Dash never went to a hospital for her wing. I find it highly unlikely that she would even be able to fly properly, if at all.

Crazy56U: (serious) Rage trumps all.

Topher: Except for Pinkie rage. Pinkie rage is one of the darkest forces ever unleashed, and will bring about the destruction of us all.

So I hooked her to a machine, a masterpiece of my own invention, the “Pegasus Device’

Scarlet: Again, a last-minute name change after her lawyers assured her that calling it the “happy funtimes murder revenge machine” wouldn’t sit well with a jury.

Crazy56U: Just in case you forgot this was a Rainbow Factory story.

which I had recently installed after the whole “Spectrum” Enlightenment.

SC276: This fic has no sense of freakin’ time.

Sigma: What is this time you speak of?

Crazy56U: Isn’t that a type of food?

Dark Angel: It’s just a bunch of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.

Pinkie was crying and weeping and said, “What are you doing Dashie!? I thought we were friends!”

NaturalGlitch [Pinkie] “Also, where have you been for over a decade?”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Seriously, is this for Cupcakes? Go after Sergeant Sprinkles, not me!”

Then I said, “Friends, what kind of friend plays pranks that nearly KILLS SOMEPONY you care about!?

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Why didn’t you just ask me to get rid of them all or bother flying away?”

SC276: [Pinkie] “Also, I didn’t think you’d hold a grudge this long!”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Do you even know who I am?!”

No Friend would just leave their friend to die, so we aren’t friends anymore Pinkie, our friendship is over!”

Scarlet: “Last time we played WoW you totally left me to deal with that entire horde on my own! I’m the DPS, Pinkie! You’re supposed to draw the aggro off me!”

Crazy56U: Why would you bring WoW into this, Scarlet? Why?

Scarlet: Because I thoroughly hate everything in existence at all times.

Dark Angel: In Pinkie’s defense, Rainbow Dash threw her out.

Then I started up the machine which brought a gargantuan knife towards Pinkie Pie,

NaturalGlitch: Rainbow is flexing her thesaurus muscle here.

SC276: I will break out the original fic to prove you have no idea how the machine works, author! Don’t fuckin’ test me!

Sigma: ...she can’t use a knife herself? Really? You need a machine for a KNIFE? How impractical.

Crazy56U: Rainbow is a fan of theatrics.

Dark Angel: Actually, ever since the pranks 13 years ago, Rainbow Dash has had a phobia of knives. So she can only use a knife if it’s on something else. And this is an earlier version of the Rainbow Factory. So perhaps it did use larger knives when if first started out… Somebody kill me NOW! I’m defending this fanfic! (curls into a fetal position)

Crazy56U: (pulls out a pillow) Okay, but only because you asked. (smothers Dark Angel)

Topher: And just to be sure, but only because I like desecrating corpses. (pulls out a gas can, starts dousing the body with gasoline, and lights the carcass on fire) Who brought the weenies?

Crazy56U: (on fire) YOU COULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL I WAS DONE, YOU KNOW?!

I pulled a lever bringing it closer and close, then I pushed the lever in the opposite direction, causing the knife to Stab right into Pinkie’s chest.

Scarlet: “Um, Rainbow, why did you need an elaborate device for this? Now it just kind of looks sorta goofy, and-” “Shut up, Cloud Kicker.”

Crazy56U: Glad to know the Stabby-Tron 200 works just fine!

Dark Angel: What happened to the Stabby-Trons 1 - 199?

Crazy56U: Rainbow wanted her super awesome death factory to be the best thing ever, so she skipped to 200.

The knife pierced through her body and came out of her back, causing blood to shoot right out, and the blood splattered all over my body, covering me in a crimson coat of red blood.

Waterpear: Not only is the blood red, it is also red.

Fallen Prime: As well as being blood.

NaturalGlitch: Unfortunately, it wasn’t hyper-realistic, so it's going to keep happening.

Crazy56U: There was so much blood it filled up an elevator.

Sigma: There was even enough left to be shot out of a bed! There was a Johnny Depp in the way, though, we had to move him.

"Rainbow dash... Why!?"

Scarlet: Given Pinkie’s lungs are over there on the floor somewhere, I presume that’s the voice of the God of Shenanigans.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “For fucks sake, Pinkie, I went over this! I HATE YOU!”

Dark Angel: [Sweet Velvet] “I just told you, Pinkie is my mother!”

Then the knife reversed itself, revealing a syringe the stabbed into the same spot and sucked all of Pinkie pie’s Spectrum out of her body,

NaturalGlitch: Oddly enough, she was full of whip cream and frosting.

Crazy56U: And a lot of candy. I guess Pinkie was part piñata.

Dark Angel: On her mother’s side.

Crazy56U: Eh, makes more sense than the Doctor Who TV movie…

Sigma: I have no idea what you’re talking about. That movie was never made.

after revealing a SCREAM of pain and agony, Pinkie pie screamed her last and her colorless, motionless body was dropped into a shredder to get whatever remained of her Color and convert it into liquid spectrum of the finest flow.

Scarlet: “Damn, we were too late! She knew we were coming and replaced her blood with syrup!”

Sigma: Damn those life-model decoys!

Crazy56U: ...what kind of syrup?

Topher: Knowing Pinkie, probably raspberry snow cone syrup.

The blood was carried through the machine where it separated her spectrum from her blood and made the colors of a rainbow.

Scarlet: Ah, yes. The vibrant, pink-hued rainbow. I know its kind well.

NaturalGlitch: I wonder if the Pinkie rainbow will shoot off fireworks when it hits the sky.

SC276: OK, no. No. The machine first whips the subject all over by the shackles they’re strapped into to break the bones for easier processing, before being fed into the giant grinder at top by which the Spectra is extracted and sent out via tubes. Also, while trying to find that part of the fic, I came across how Rainbow was approached for the job after the events of Sonic Rainboom, so she couldn’t have founded the factory. Author, if you’re going to write a prequel to a fic, READ IT FIRST!!

Crazy56U: (flinches) Wow, you’re pissed.

SC276: If you’re going to do something, put in the freakin’ effort and do it right!

The Red parts were especially vibrant, to where the color was sent to a mixing barrel which made the colors more like a light where it was heated and melted into a beautiful red.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Rarity was right—beauty really is on the inside!”

Crazy56U: (ba-dum-tish)

I went out to see the factory shoot out the colors, and a rainbow was made. It shot out like a fountain,

Scarlet: Which was pourin’ like an avalanche, comin’ down the mountain.

Crazy56U: Oooh, pretty!

but became light reflected by the sun making it shine even brighter!

Scarlet: “Hey everypony, look at that! It’s raining blood!” “YAAAAAAAY-”

Sigma: Shall I play the obligatory Slayer?

Crazy56U: One step ahead of you. Now we’re hardcore, surfing the Internet like a boss.

NaturalGlitch: “This tastes like strawberries!”

And I knew, this was my destiny, this was why my cutie mark had the primary colors, to show me that I was the primary source of creating the greatest rainbows EVER MADE!

Scarlet: And on this day the God of Shenanigans looked at his work and said “It is good.”

Crazy56U: Uh huh, keep telling yourself that, Rainbow...

What happened next was even more fantastic. My workers spread out, stealing ponies of all kinds from all over ponyville, and it was perfect!

NaturalGlitch: And they say you can’t find good help these days.

SC276: Just Ponyville?

Crazy56U: What, and use those Canterlot snobs for her rainbows? She’s better off sticking with Ponyville.

The ponies were melted, crushed, burned, Sucked life from, and even more, shredded and ground up into beautiful rainbows.

NaturalGlitch: Trust us; this is all kinds of sucking.

Crazy56U: No blowing, though...

THIS… Was my DESTINY!!!

Sigma: This is your overhyped moment that you’ve spent half your resources on? ...Pretty accurate, actually, this IS like her Destiny.

Crazy56U: Again, sure, keep telling yourself that.

I was BORN to do this! I was born to make rainbows through any means possible, especially violent ones.

Waterpear: Did all that shit with Pinkie give her brain damage? How the hell did she forget the sonic rainboom?

NaturalGlitch: Because—(makes obnoxiously loud noise)—that’s why.

Crazy56U: Huh, that makes a lot of sense, Glitch.

Dark Angel: Hell, the brain damage may have even occurred when Rainbow Dash originally flew into that rock wall. For all we know, she could’ve been dropped on her head as a foal. Come to think of it, the fact taht we made it this far into the story must be a sign that we all have bran damage…grandted that damage was probly caused by reding this fic. In facdt, I’m not feelling that good myseljf.

I continued to steal ponies away from their homes,

NaturalGlitch: ...and no one thought to investigate? Like, at all?

SC276: They couldn’t find out she was a murderer with a direct eyewitness! Any investigators are probably dumber than rocks!

Crazy56U: I knew it! The police were a myth!

and Applejack’s body was shredded only making a small bit of orange spectrum.

Scarlet: “Rainbow, didn’t you spend like, the past few years trying to get that shit? Doesn’t it seem a little unnecessary-” “Plenty of room in the shredder, Cloud Kicker.”

SC276: I WAS JOKING. MOSTLY.

Crazy56U: Okay, I call bullshit.

Dark Angel: You’re only now calling bullshit?

I am MADE FOR THIS!!!! I shall kill everypony I don’t think are necessary for Ponyville’s population.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Even myself!”

SC276: That’s not even counting the fact that the factory’s in Cloudsdale!

Crazy56U: Friend, I think the author’s made it abundantly clear that they don’t give a shit, why do you keep trying?

And then I decided to do the vilest thing possible,

Dark Angel: [Rainbow] “I will write a bad fanfiction about the creation of the Rainbow Factory.”

“I shall kill all of my friends, oh what amazing colors THEY’LL make!”

Scarlet: “Atonement is bullshit anyway. Let’s just go full-on slasher!”

Crazy56U: (groan) Again, I was told this would be funny. Instead, I’m just bored…

Scarlet: Just because you don’t find this whole segment adorably inept doesn’t mean I can’t experience joy!

So that is what I set out to do. I already used Applejack and Pinkie, so now I just needed to kill Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy.

NaturalGlitch: Because we all know once you go crazy, you gain the power of a million men.

Sigma: I bet she merges with the Rainbow and becomes a god of Blood Rainbows. Just for the extra edge.

Crazy56U: Did someone say “edge”?!

The colors they’ll make will be astounding! I went to Rarity’s boutique, and I broke in, she got up to see what was happening, and there I Grabbed her by the hooves

NaturalGlitch: It sure is a good thing Rarity forgot how to use magic.

Crazy56U: And her self-defense training...

and flew her to the factory where I hooked her to the Pegasus device.

Scarlet: “Really, Dash, you’re being far too forward. You could have at least sent some ‘sorry-I’m-going-to-murder-you’ flowers in advance so I could make time to finish my last few orders!”

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “Really, darling, if you were going to go out of your way to make a murder machine, you could’ve at least asked me to help. This place looks so tacky and cheap-looking-”

[Rainbow] “SHUT UP.”

Dark Angel: Has anyone noticed how Rainbow Dash has not brought any pegasi to the pegasus device?

Rarity said “Rainbow dash!? What in Equestria is this, what is going on!?”

SC276: You waited until now to ask that?

Topher: [Cloud Kicker] “Kick-a Flick-a Click-a-dee doo! I’ve got a final riddle for you! Kick-a-Flick-a Click-a dee dee! What color stripe are you gonna be?” [Rainbow] “SHUT UP CLOUD KICKER!”

Dark Angel: [Rainbow] “SHUT THE FUCK UP, RHYMEY!”

Crazy56U: I guess Rarity’s drunk again; she should’ve figured this out by now...

I simply replied bluntly, “I am going to end your life. Your blood will make a vibrant blue, or purple, but It will be amazing!”

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “I think you mean it will be fabulous.” [Rainbow] “I’m not saying it.” [Rarity, pouting] “Please?”

Crazy56U: C’mon, Rainbow, it’s her last request. Just honor it!

Dark Angel: Yes, Rainbow Dash. Embrace the spirit of the G3 Rainbow Dash. Actually, she was about saying ‘dashing’.

So instead of her dying from the knife idea, I put her on a treadmill where her body was moved to a crusher,

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “Why did my body chose this time to faint?”

Sigma: Is Rainbow Dash a Bond villain now?

Crazy56U: As it happens, the Stabby-Tron 200 broke after so much use, so she had to replace it. But, the Stabby-Tron 4000 was just too expensive, so treadmill.

which crushed out all of her blood and flowed it through to the conversion chamber.

Scarlet: Guys, I thought we agreed we’d save Chatoyance for another- oh, chamber.

SC276: Oh god, please don’t tell me she’s going through multiple versions of the machine before getting to the one that should actually work.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, her blood was converted into ice cream.

The sights, the dark gloomy atmosphere, the blood on the floor, walls, and ceiling, The sounds, the screams of Pain and agony, the horror of it all, the ferocious deaths!

Scarlet: Rainbow has yet to realize she could’ve achieved the same emotional effect by joining a death metal band.

Sigma: I feel insulted by that remark.

Crazy56U: Eh, this is almost done (I hope), one more Linkin Park for the road.

Dark Angel: I suddenly have the sensation that this fanfic is confusing what is real.

And I enjoyed every second of it. Rarity was no more, and her blood made a vibrant blue shoot from the sky, and the rest of the rainbow was dull in comparison.

NaturalGlitch: I feel bad for the custodial staff.

Crazy56U: I feel bad for the sky…

Scarlet: I mostly feel bad for myself. And also Topher, who I have yet to pay back from earlier. *dramatically breaks his neck*

Topher: Ouch.

Dark Angel: I feel bad for anyone stupid enough to read this shitfic…wait…

Next was Fluttershy, the sweet and innocent Pegasus pony who was mean enough to laugh at jokes about my failure.

NaturalGlitch: Talk about holding a grudge. That was over 10 years ago.

Crazy56U: Yeah, you’d think Rainbow would’ve forgotten about that during the factory planning...

She was to be punished severely in the most painful way possible,

SC276: She didn’t even start anything!

Crazy56U: Rainbow turns want to leave any thread unhanging.

Dark Angel: Punished in the most painful way possible? No! Please don’t make her read this shitfic!

I broke into her cottage, her animals tried to protect her, but I tore them apart limb from limb,

Scarlet: “At this point I was a twentieth-level Barbarian and they were mere Kobolds in comparison.”

SC276: Including the bear?

Sigma: Bears are only level 12, so yes. Even the bear.

Crazy56U: Why am I being reminded of Sonic.exe right now?

Fluttershy was screaming and crying as she saw all of her critter friends being ferociously ripped into pieces by my bare teeth and hooves.

Scarlet: And she didn’t stop you using the Stare because-

NaturalGlitch: If Fluttershy saw you mess with her animals or friends, she would mess you up.

SC276: How dare you? HOW DARE YOU?!

Crazy56U: Real talk, Rainbow wouldn’t have been able to kill one of her animals. Fluttershy would’ve killed her right then and there. It’s a shame that the bad writing is helping Rainbow at this point…

Dark Angel: Oh god! This story is finally beginning to make sense!

Crazy56U: DAMN IT, did it again...

There was blood all over her cottage as a result, all the critters were in pieces, there vital organs on the ceiling and walls,

NaturalGlitch: ♫To the windows to the wall♫ Until the sweat—(several knives puncture his eyes)—ow.

Topher: [Fluttershy] “Hey hey hey, stay outta my house!”

Crazy56U: Again, why am I being reminded of Sonic.exe?!

and there broken bodies lying limp on the floor. It was amazing, I tasted the blood and it satiated my thirst, then Fluttershy was crying all alone.

Scarlet: Wow, Silent Ponyville’s Fluttershy arc was even less inspired than I remember.

NaturalGlitch: Hey, anyone remember when Fluttershy easily overpowered Rainbow when she tried to make Fluttershy do something she didn’t want to? Well, this author doesn’t.

SC276: This author can’t even remember the original fic’s canon, I’m surprised he even knows what their names are.

Crazy56U: At least they’re getting those right, that’s something…

Dark Angel: You know, if he would’ve gotten their names wrong, this story might have made more sense…

“Rainbow dash, Please stop, why are you doing this; This isn’t you!”

“It’s the new me Fluttershy, I was born for this, this is my destiny!”

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I get to be the Titan, and you’ll be the Hunter.” [Fluttershy] “But I want to be a Warlock instead...” [Rainbow] “Augh, fine, whatever.”

Topher: Now let’s see new Fluttershy and new Rainbow Dash throw down!

Crazy56U: Whoever wins, we lose.

“But how is being a cruel and vicious murderer your destiny, you were supposed to be loyal!”

Scarlet: You were the chosen one! You were supposed to bring balance!

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Yeah, well you were supposed to be kind! Suck on those eggs!”

She cried. Her tears were flooding her cottage for a long time.

NaturalGlitch: Fluttershy literally cried a river.

SC276: ~With a hey nonny-nonny toodle ho!~ ~Toodle ho!~

Crazy56U: ...gesundheit?

Then I dragged her away from her home. “I have a new loyalty now Fluttershy,” I said,

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “The various animes I watch! Oh, and making rainbows from ponies, that too.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Making rainbows in the most impractical ways possible!”

“A loyalty to my finest work ever, my amazing achievement, too bad all who hear of it will never live to tell the tale.” And I took her to the factory.

Scarlet: The God of Shenanigans apparently speeding along the journey by compressing it down into a single sentence, void of detail.

Crazy56U: (yawn) Good. The faster we finish this, the better.

Now it was time to kill my dear friend Fluttershy.

NaturalGlitch: By boring her to death?

SC276: I think I’m actually dying from stupidity right now.

Sigma: We’re already dead, dude, this fic’s just made us too stupid to realise.

Dark Angel: We’re too stupid to realize that we’re dead…but we’re smart enough to realize that we’re too stupid to realize we’re dead? Sigma needs help! His logic has adapted to that of this fanfic!

Crazy56U: I’ve been dead for years, no biggie.

I hooked her to my device and pulled the lever. Then Fluttershy tried to renew my goodness once more by pleading, “Rainbow dash, please stop this, you’ll never get anywhere with killing.” She cried loudly,

Scarlet: “Seriously! Mentally breaking someone’s soul and fortitude is much more satisfying in the long run!”

Topher: [CloudKicker] “Kick-a Flick-a Click-a-dee-” [Rainbow] “WE TALKED ABOUT THIS ALREADY, CLOUDKICKER!”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “Murder won’t solve all your problems, Rainbow Dash!”

Dark Angel: [Fluttershy] “Murder may solve some of your problems, but not all of them!

“And I Don’t deserve to die! All my life I have been completely innocent, why now, do you choose to end me?”

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “Don’t make me do the puppy dog pout.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “Did you at least kill Pinkie before me?”

[Rainbow] “Yes?”

[Fluttershy] “THANK FAUST! Okay, I’m good, throw the switch.”

NaturalGlitch: Yeesh. Tell us how you really feel, Crazy. Wait... Faust?! (remembers The Unexpected Love Life Of Dusk Shine) AUGH! MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE!

Crazy56U: All according to plan...

Then I looked at Fluttershy, stared her deeply into her eyes and said, “Because, you are not as kind as you claim to be, the element of kindness, so sweet and innocent, UGH! It makes me SICK!

Scarlet: “I read ‘Five Hundred Little Murders’, you know! You euthanize the shit out of things!”

Sigma: Wait, Fluttershy’s PETA now?

Crazy56U: Please, even Fluttershy would hate PETA, get real.

Your very existence haunts my mind, and now I am going to FINISH that existence, and end your life now.” I pulled the trigger and, SLICE! Fluttershy was pierced.

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “I guess this earring looks pretty on me...”

Crazy56U: And then Fluttershy deflated like a balloon.

Her last words were, “You have become a monster Rainbow dash. What happened to you? Why… did you…” And her life was taken.

NaturalGlitch: There are enough sequels for that movie franchise, thank you.

Crazy56U: No, there are too many.

The syringe descended once more to claim the blood of yet another victim of my dastardly evil. Now it was time to take out Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Scarlet: Don’t mind that whistling noise, it was just my suspension of disbelief snapping and being flung off into the horizon.

NaturalGlitch: Wait.... WAIT.... You mean to tell me that... (eye twitches)

SC276: Yeah OK yeah NO. *flops* My brain hurts.

Sigma: I actually don’t find this to be the most improbable thing ever considering I once read a fic where a random street stallion who wasn’t even fully grown overpowered and raped her. That was a shit time.

Crazy56U: … (shrug) Because why the fuck not. The author never once gave a shit, so why bother...

I went to her house, and knocked,

Crazy56U: ...and you’re being polite now, because… …?

I figured that betrayal was the best way to take her life, so that is what I was going to do. She opened the door and said, “Rainbow dash! Oh, thank goodness you’re okay!

NaturalGlitch: Why didn’t you ever report to Celestia about Rainbow being a murderer?

Crazy56U: Wait, are you trying to say-

After you ran away, I thought you were gone for good, I haven’t seen or heard of you, and now some random Pegasi in uniforms are taking ponies away to who KNOWS where!?

Scarlet: “And I never informed Princess Celestia of this because-”

SC276: [Twilight] “I was too busy panicking to make use of the fact that I actually have authority now.”

Crazy56U: THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY SHE FORGOT RAINBOW CONFESSED TO KILLING APPLEJACK! (punches a hole in the wall)

NaturalGlitch: I thought you said we shouldn't bother.

Crazy56U: (shaking hand in pain) Look, even I have my limits, okay?

Thank goodness you weren’t taken!” But I just stared at her, silently glaring with an evil look in my now crimson eyes, at that instance she knew

NaturalGlitch: “—that I forgot to give her book on the Spectrum back and was due a fine.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Oh, fuck, right, you’re a murderer.”

and said, “You? Why, what did we ever do to you!?” Then, Squish, I plunged a knife right through her heart,

SC276: Um, doesn’t that run counter to the entire idea of getting as much Spectra as possible?

Crazy56U: Twilight’s now an alicorn, best to kill her now than let her counterattack.

her blood was now spilling relentlessly and her last words.

Scarlet: Were also, I assume, spilling relentlessly.

Crazy56U: (sigh) Let me get a mop…

SC276: Get a broom as well. You left plaster and wood all over the floor from that hole in the wall.

Crazy56U: (grumble)

“Why, Rainbow dash, I thought our friendship meant something to you!

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Wait—did you stab me? Well, no wonder my chest hurts so much. Silly me.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Seriously, though, a knife? Really?!”

You really… are a failure, because you failed to keep… your anger… and hatred under tabs, and…” She gasped loudly for a last breath of air to say, “That is the biggest… fai…lure… of…” *Breaths loudly* “of them all…”

Waterpear: [HEAVY BREATHING]

NaturalGlitch: Nah, the biggest failure here is me—I MEAN, this fanfiction. Yeah.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “...I swear, I’m gonna figure out how to bring you back to life

just so that I can kill you again for that.”

And she dropped limp and motionless onto her castle floor.

SC276: I thought she rebuilt the library, WHAT. At least make sense within your own fuckin’ continuity, author!

Sigma: Oh, shit, you set off the continuity alarm again!

Crazy56U: We’re almost done, just ignore it at this point...

Her blood was now covering the crystal flooring with a crimson light. Her blood was now a pool that you could practically swim in!

Scarlet: “Hey, Rainbow, didn’t we just establish that you needed live ponies to get any Spectrum out of them?” “Here, Kicker. Hold my knife for a minute. In your kidney.”

Crazy56U: There was just blood all over the place!

And I took her now motionless body to my factory, her blood was now mostly gone, but I crushed what was left,

NaturalGlitch: It was a good thing everyone was looking at the ground as Rainbow took off with a dripping corpse tagging along.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Hey, everypony, look over there!”

[Everypony] “Okay! (looks away)”

[Rainbow] “(runs off with Twilight’s corpse)”

and then, the colors of all of my friends shot up into the sky where all of the colors were very bright and vibrant.

Scarlet: The author’s got about two words to describe colors with, and by golly they will be used until they break down and die!

Crazy56U: Because fuck thesauruses, am I right?!

Then I said, “Who needs friendship!?

NaturalGlitch: I got over 100 episodes from your show to give you an answer.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Can’t be bothered, making rainbows!”

In the Rainbow factory, there is no friendship, just death, and fears in the future shall come true, and not a single soul ever gets through.”

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Not even me! ...I really, really, REALLY need some sleep.”

SC276: Can’t even quote the bloody song right!

Crazy56U: That’s what she was going? I thought she was just ranting...

At this time, I went back into the factory and saw too many unicorns and earth ponies, so I said, “STOP! There is a new law now,

Waterpear: I think the author skipped the part of the story where Rainbow Dash takes over Equestria using a death ray powered by rainbows.

Crazy56U: We need to make one last reference to the story the author never read!

every Filly who passes their flight tests gets to live,

NaturalGlitch: “What flight test?” “Who are you?” “Will you scratch my belly?”

Crazy56U: “When do we get paid?!”

Dark Angel: [Little filly] “Where’s the bathroom? I really have to…never mind. I don’t have to go anymore.”

where the fillies who don’t, are sent here to make rainbows either with THEIR blood… Or OTHERS. IN THE RAINBOW FACTORY…”

Scarlet: “Sure, we accept this law. Beats lynching donkeys on a Tuesday!”

Crazy56U: LET’S JUST SCREAM THE LAST FEW SENTENCES, OKAY?!

“WHERE YOUR FEARS AND HORRORS COME TRUE!”

NaturalGlitch: Like this stupid Rainbow Factory thing never dying?!

Crazy56U: Isn’t that the slogan for 4chan?

“IN THE RAINBOW FACTORY…”

“WHERE NOT A SINGLE SOUL GETS THROUGH!!”

NaturalGlitch: Until the factory fails its inspection.

Topher: “Get it? ‘Cause it’s like the song?”

Sigma: I don’t even know what song this is referencing so I’m just bored.

Crazy56U: (sigh) Same…

SC276: That would be this one. The one the original fanfic was inspired by.

And then, we moved the factory higher into the sky and kept it in a secret place in Cloudsdale.

NaturalGlitch: “ A secret place that everypony could see, especially since Cloudsdale moves around all over Equestria."

SC276: Yes, a building literally described as so massive I wouldn’t be surprised if it took up a whole real-world city if I measured it, just that easily moved up to be attached to a cloud. Did this author reread… anything he wrote?

Sigma: That’s a stupid question at this point, you should know every answer is gonna be “no.”

Dark Angel: Not only did he not reread anything he wrote, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never knew what he was writing to begin with.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Let’s see... (types) ‘sv_cheats 1’... ‘notarget’... ...done and

done!”

It was to be a final field trip for all fillies who failed their flight test.

Scarlet: “Colts, of course, were exempt.”

Topher: It’s like the draft, but backwards!

Crazy56U: Well, it was either this, or the glue factory...

All who worked here were sworn to secrecy, abandoning all life in the outside world.

Scarlet: “Come work in my AWESOME factory! All it takes is giving up your loved ones and becoming complicit in the murder of untold numbers of children!”

Crazy56U: Hopefully, she pays them...

Many ponies went missing from Equestria, and none were ever found.

NaturalGlitch: This is Jeff the Killer levels of “no one was found because shut up that’s why” bullshit.

Crazy56U: BREAKING NEWS: Population mysteriously decreases! Researchers blame global warming!

My only hope was that I would never have to see Scootaloo’s face ever again, not after what I did.

NaturalGlitch: So, that would mean Scootaloo is in her mid-20s by the time she takes her flight test.

Crazy56U: Hey, Rainbow, uh, funny story...

I hope now that she never has to come here, to find out what I have become. I hope, that she will never see me ever again; not even at death.

NaturalGlitch: But you’ll have plenty of time to catch up when she’s dead.

Crazy56U: Trust me, you’re gonna laugh when I tell you it...

And I will never leave this factory until Scootaloo is dead.

Scarlet: “Not even to use the bathroom. I’ve converted one of the corpses into a chamber pot temporarily. Festive!”

SC276: Well that’s been handled by now. Off with you!

Crazy56U: Okay, I admit, it’s not that funny, but the punchline’s amazing...

Author's Note:

Here is a story of how Rainbow Dash made the Rainbow factory, why she did it, and how the Flight test law came to be.

NaturalGlitch: Boo. Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo. Boo! Boo!!

Crazy56U: (makes a loud fart noise)

Dark Angel: Author’s Note: Here is a story of events that have nothing to do with the original story.

Easily the longest hing I have ever written. Please comment!

Scarlet: Whelp, if riffs count as comments- done and done. Is it bad that I kind of like this story?

NaturalGlitch: Hopefully not in the traditional sense. If you mean like watching The Room and laughing the whole time, then no; it’s not bad.

Scarlet: Well, it’s a mixture of that and genuine appreciation for this poor author. Amidst the complete idiocy and the total lack of competence, there are a few ideas in here which could make compelling stories on their own. What if one of the mane six began to hallucinate that she was in danger from the others? Where does that lead? It’s not like the story actually does this well, it’s just a more interesting base idea than the fics we’ve had for the last two weeks and I wanna acknowledge it.

SC276: Yeah, in order for a prequel fic to actually do well, it has to make bloody sense as a prequel fic. Just from quickly skimming the relevant paragraphs of Rainbow Factory, I can see the author put no effort into being consistent with it. At all. Rainbow didn’t make the factory, it’s called Spectra and not Spectrum or whatever which isn’t just in their blood, and the Pegasus Device doesn’t work that way in the same way windmills don’t! And that’s not even bringing up the complete lack of law enforcement or investigation in this fic, that Rainbow wasn’t locked up and the key thrown away for murdering Applejack - with an eyewitness, no less - in the first place, and Celestia not doing shit about her citizens being kidnapped - from just Ponyville for no fucking reason - and killed! And what about Spike? The whole Rainbow Factory collection seemingly ignores him completely. He’s going to be wondering where Twilight is and why there’s a big puddle of blood on the castle floor! And that just brings up that there’s no real place in the timeline for this shit to happen! Rainbow had to be present for the events of the season 4 finale since Twilight’s castle exists, so we’re somewhere after that point, where their friendship is strong enough that Rainbow wouldn’t go over the edge and start the chain of events just from one case of schadenfreude at her expense! This fic is literally IMPOSSIBLE!!

NaturalGlitch: Not to mention that Rainbow’s friends wouldn’t do that in the first place, especially break her wing on purpose, and Rainbow wouldn't be that much of a petty moron at all. It's sad when the riffers know more about Rainbow Factory than the other that’s writing a prequel.

Scarlet: I didn’t! I’ve never read Rainbow Factory. However, I can definitely say that as a stand-alone horror piece, better start point and concept than “Spike the Baby Fuck You Dragon” of our last creepypasta but somehow worse in its execution. Still, it’s like a small child’s drawing. I can’t bear to hate it, even if it’s shit.

Sigma: ...2/10, not enough gratuitous CRIMSON STREAMS OF RED BLOOD.

Crazy56U: Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but this got fucking tedious near the end... This was hard for me to finish because it got so god damn BORING. Just… ...wow.

Dark Angel: Well now that this fic is over, everyone can help themselves to my truckload of brain bleach.

SC276: Can I stockpile some away for next week? I don’t think I’ll need it, but I’m sure others will.

RingmasterJ5: What was it about FFNet in 2012 that brought out the most riffable MLP fics? Seriously. Both of the fics from last month’s double feature were from then, as was the original Magic is Believing.

Fallen Prime: In fairness, FIMFic was still young and people weren’t migrating in droves JUST yet.

RingmasterJ5: Which allowed things like this week’s fic to be posted to nothing but praise, somehow. Seriously, almost every single review of what you’re about to read was about how it was so scary they could barely get through it. Which means that yes, in what is sort of new territory for F/F/T3K, this fic’s a creepypasta.

Fallen Prime: As someone with a casual habit of browsing creepypastas, I know how they generally work. Some of them can actually be pretty, well, creepy if executed properly, but we’re here, so there’s the implication that this doesn’t execute jack shit properly.

RingmasterJ5: It absolutely doesn’t. It’s also worth noting that the name has pretty much nothing to do with the fic in the slightest. There is a curse, but it has nothing to do with Ponyville, instead being placed on the main character by… well, you’ll see.

Fallen Prime: A cursory glance tells me it’s vaguely similar to that “haunted/missing episode” archetype. So you know you’re in for some dumb.

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, the “horror” that is KJMusical’s “The Ponyville Curse”.

Author's Note: Okay, so as you know Halloween is coming up, so I felt I had to do a creepypasta for the occasion.

Fallen Prime:

Steel: Oh shit, here we go! Creepypasta! Get your diapers ready, ‘cause it’s about to get pants-shitty in here.

Crazy56U: B-but… but… it’s August, though…

SC276: I’ve riffed a creepypasta before, actually. It was so dull, figuring out the ending took longer than it should.

Scarlet: I’m going into this blind and I’m going to be judging hardcore. I actually like me some creepypasta when they’re done decently.

Fallen Prime: Ditto as fuck.

Sigma: I’m gonna need a hard r/nosleep binge when I’m done with this shit.

Topher: I’m just gonna leave this here. Follow along if you want! Also, whenever you cross of a square, take a shot. You’re gonna need it, alcohol poisoning be damned.

I don't own the content mentioned in this story or the characters, other than the protagonist.

NaturalGlitch: “He’s being a good chained-up captive. (to the protagonist) Yes you are, aren’t you?”

Crazy56U: Somehow, I doubt that…

Scarlet: Can we table the creepypasta riff and have NaturalGlitch produce a creepy story instead? I’m just saying, I sense talent.

All characters in this work are fictious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

NaturalGlitch: Oh~ I can’t wait until the hyper-realistic and bloody shenanigans start!

Crazy56U: Stopwatches are primed and ready.

SC276: Isn’t that… kinda against the idea of a creepypasta, period?

Sigma: Is there an idea at all beyond “OH LOOK I’M 2SPOOKY”?

Steel: It’s right there in the name, fellas. Creepypasta.

Scarlet: “This is a story that really happened to me, and a bunch of other people who don’t exist.”

The lines of minus symbols are also different POVs.

SC276: Dashes, author. They’re called dashes. This isn’t a math equation.

Firstly, there'll be an introduction and then pasta itself.

Crazy56U: Then, what is this if it isn’t the intro?

Steel: It’s called ‘exposition’!

Scarlet: The real horror is the unnecessary amount of buildup to the story.

Nothing more to say, so let's get to it.

Oh, and this creepypasta is FAKE.

NaturalGlitch: I guess he knows the people who would be scared of this drink Draino for dinner and had to make sure they know.

Crazy56U: Nice job ruining the experience, buckwheat. Why not tell us Santa isn’t real while you’re at it.

SC276: And that is definitely against the idea.

Sigma: Creepypasta is like nosleep: the author is supposed to pretend everything you read HAPPENED. Did he not read the fine print?

Scarlet: “All characters are fictitious and non-existent. Much like my faith in the average short-term memory of my readers!”

No episode exists and I'm sure if it did, nothing would happen to the viewer, except for maybe a massive shock.

NaturalGlitch: “Or a boner, depending which kind of brony you are.”

Crazy56U: Unless the shock is taser/cattle prod related, I don’t think so.

SC276: I pretty much get a shock every time they start singing, so…

Topher: These disclaimers here are literally ruining the story before it starts. Putting this kind of disclaimer before a creepypasta is like explaining a joke in detail as you tell it.

Extract from a Scotland Yard Police crime document,

Crazy56U: Huh, don’t recall this episode of Sherlock…

SC276: British!

written on 7/9/2012:

On the 4th of September 2012, Gerald Young, age 16, was found dead in his bedroom at 9:55AM by his parents, Mr. Malcolm & Mrs. Alison Young.

NaturalGlitch: Dude! Spoilers!

Crazy56U: Well, actually, while they discovered the corpse at that time, it took them several hours to realize he was dead. After all, teenagers have shit sleeping habits. Speaking from experience.

Topher: Aha! first square in creepypasta bingo, “Dead Author”

Sigma: You aren’t playing the drinking game? What a scrub.

Autopsy revealed that their son died as a result of severe brain hemorrhaging, possibly from multiple blows to the head.

Crazy56U: Calling it now: he read the story and facepalmed one time too many.

SC276: Pretty sure that’s how half of us will go out.

Sigma: Maybe one of us just got to him first.

However, there is currently no evidence of assault against the victim.

NaturalGlitch: “...besides the blows to his head.”

Crazy56U: “But, then again, the massive dent in his skull might’ve been a clue…”

Sigma: “Then again, maybe he just found a bad creepypasta.”

Scarlet: “At our best guess, he attempted to use Double-Edge on the bedpost and the recoil damage knocked him out.”

The only evidence the Scotland Yard Police could find in the victim's home was a series of word documents on the victim's computer.

NaturalGlitch: “It was just ‘hyper-realistic’ over and over again.”

Crazy56U: “All creep and no pasta makes Gerald a dull boy.”

Sigma: Wouldn’t this be all pasta and no creep? Because these are never very creepy.

Scarlet: By the way, what kind of incident report is this? Wouldn’t this be compiled by an on-the-scene investigator?

There were 13 documents on his computer.

Crazy56U: (eyes glaze over)

Sigma: Meh, should’ve been 666.

Crazy56U: (eyes pop out) ...ow...

However, 12 were documents of jumbled up letters and numbers.

NaturalGlitch: Guy must’ve passed out on his computer trying to write a “scary” story.

Crazy56U: Or, those were the rough drafts…

SC276: Or pages from the Library of Babel. Though I forgot if that thing had numbers…

Scarlet: Fortunately I’ve got my decoder ring. Unfortunately, I gave up after documents one through six turned out to be heavily coded rough drafts for Celestia/Gilda slash clopfic.

Only one, which was written on 3/9/2012, a day before Gerald's death, was written in pure english.

RingmasterJ5: The rest were a mixture of Wingdings and braille, “numbers and letters” just sounds better in the report.

Crazy56U: As opposed to, what, being written in Homsar-ese?

SC276: [Homsar] “IIIIII’m a chicken on a corn doggggg.”

Crazy56U: The fuck did you just call me?

Sigma: “One of them was just a bunch of pages of the Lenny face, oddly enough.”

What you're about to read is all the text found in the document. We must warn you, what you're about to read, may disturb you.

NaturalGlitch: “—that someone actually found this scary.”

Crazy56U: “JK, but regardless, we need to tell a story.”

SC276: That’s written in an actual police report?

Sigma: What is this, a bad procedural TV drama?

Scarlet: “The events you are about to read are totally false. The names have been changed in order to protect absolutely no-one.”

Text Document 13

Written: 10:45PM, 3rd September 2012.

RJ: Papa must’ve been a rolling stone.

Crazy56U: “Just watched ‘Asylum of the Daleks’. Regretting life choices. Writing 20th angry letter to Steven Moffat.”

I'm currently sitting at my computer scared out of my life.

NaturalGlitch: Looks like he googled what a Futashy is.

Crazy56U: Oh God, he went on Facebook…

SC276: If you’re so scared, how are you typing so clearly? Word AutoCorrect can only do so much.

Scarlet: [Politely Coughs] Actually, having decoded the seventh wingding-document now, I think he’s well aware what a Futashy is.

I've been trying to get some sleep for the last few hours, but I keep seeing it every time.

NaturalGlitch: Have you tried closing your eyes first?

Scarlet: “Oooh, an advertisement for the latest Magic: The Gathering set! I’m so excited!”

Crazy56U: “Penguins… ...penguins everywhere…”

I had decided to go to bed early tonight since I start college tomorrow morning, but those images I've seen a few months ago have been keeping me awake.

NaturalGlitch: “Pictures of me when I passed out at my last birthday party.”

Crazy56U: Well, that’s what you get for using Google Image Search with SafeSearch off. TRUST ME. (stares off into the distance)

Let me explain.

Crazy56U: This is a story, all about how, my life got flipped, turned upside- (gets hit with a brick)

SC276: Let’s not and say you did.

Sigma: “See, I was looking for some porn, and I mixed up the superglue and the lube...”

This may bore you, but I have to tell you.

NaturalGlitch: He’s going to show us his vacation photos! RUN!!

SC276: If it’s anything like the last couple of stories, it’ll definitely bore us.

Sigma: “I am your father.”

Scarlet [As Author]: “Just remember guys, this may bore you and it’s also totally fake. Remember to like and fave!”

I graduated from Edinburgh Secondary School on the 22nd of July. I was stressed out from the exams I had been doing for the 2 months beforehand. But I managed to finish every single one of them by mid July.

NaturalGlitch: “Sure, I flunked every single one of them, but I was never a student there to begin with.”

Crazy56U: Wait, did you have summer school, or does school end later in the UK?

Of course, I was happy that I finished them all but also upset about leaving all my friends.

Sigma: “Some people would argue that I can’t call weird old dolls friends, but I beg to differ! Why else would they be okay with me jerking off on them?”

Scarlet: On second thought, Sigma, you write the new pasta. Sorry Glitch, it’s nothing personal.

But then again, it was bound to happen sooner or later. So, we all went our separate ways.

NaturalGlitch: Ah, so they were like Facebook friends.

I went back home where my mum, dad, my older brother, Josh (aged 21) and my older sister, Britney (aged 17) were waiting for me.

RingmasterJ5: He’s at most 16... yet he’s starting college tomorrow. Of course.

Crazy56U: Well, already this Creepypasta has become unrealistic. For shame…

SC276: And why did this kid, scared out of his mind, feel the need to put the ages of his siblings?

Sigma: Wow, this utter failure at keeping up the illusion makes the “this is fake” thing at the beginning even MORE useless.

SC276: Also, he apparently doesn’t own those four, since he just owns the protagonist. Their creators probably aren’t amused you stole their characters.

They congratulated me and things were pretty normal afterwards.

Well, that is...until I saw that video.

RJ: Muffled Nyan Cat plays in the background.

Crazy56U: ...I’m very tempted to make a PewDiePie joke, here…

Sigma: “I never should have looked up ‘2 Girls, 1 Cup’…”

Scarlet: “In retrospect, clicking on a link reading ‘Possessed Video Footage from The Ring’ was a bad life decision.”

I could stay up as late as I liked now I was done with school.

NaturalGlitch: “All the way to 8:30. I am such a rebel.”

Crazy56U: But just you wait; since you finished school at the end of July, and you start college presumably in September, you only got a month of free time. Reality is about to kick your ass sooner than you think, kid. Trust me. (stares off into the distance)

SC276: That sounds a bit like my winter vacation, actually...

My family went out that night to share their son's achievements in school with their friends and I was home alone since there wasn't anything I could do.

NaturalGlitch: [Mom] “He was able to walk and blink at the same time! I am so proud of him!”

Sigma: “And we don’t have to walk him to the potty anymore and take his pants down for him!”

Crazy56U: Wait, they’re sharing your achievements and you have nothing to do… … ...did they take your Xbox? (ba-dum-tish)

I thought I'd surf the web for something good.

Crazy56U: Uh-huh. “[S]omething good”...

Sigma: So basically, he wasn’t looking for this creepypasta?

Scarlet: I can now confirm based on translations of the eighth wingding-document that he found it. In a manner of speaking. If you really like Diamond Dogs.

Eventually, I came across some web page with a red border and a black background.

NaturalGlitch: And now my favorite part of every hack creepypasta—overly describing every little thing! It’s almost second to using video game references as a substitute for descriptions.

Crazy56U: Well, at least he isn’t timing everything yet…

SC276: If that page becomes an OC, I’m blowing up Europe.

Sigma: Oh, come on. How bout just the Trump Estate? May not be in Europe, but he’s probably got like, five others anyway.

Scarlet: Red border with black- oh damn it! I left my personal web page from my emo days up again! This IS true horror!

There was a yellow arrow pointing down to a small download link. The text above the arrow said 'New My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Episode released! Download episode to see it!'

NaturalGlitch: “Warning: May cause users to barf memes about the show in every available space on the Internet."

Crazy56U: And since this is still July 2012, that means this “super legit” leak is for… …“The Crystal Empire”... … (sighs; pinches bridge of nose) I think I know where this is going…

SC276: The last time I clicked one of those links trying to get Steven Universe episodes, I got infected with malware.

Sigma: Not using torrents? Git gud, scrubs.

Topher: The episodes are up on Youtube hours after they air, requiring little to no effort to see them, with the right ad blocker. You git gud, scrub.

Sigma: We’re talking downloading. Youtube isn’t downloading. Keep up, filthy casual.

Ah, My Little Pony. Before anyone asks, it's not my cup of tea. Don't get me wrong, it's very well animated and Lauren Faust did a good job making it, but to me, it's a bit girly for my liking.

NaturalGlitch: Gee, you don’t say? Imagine—a show made by a feminist meant to teach feminist issues and lessons to little girls and their parents being girly.

Scarlet: “Guys I swear I’m totally masculine look at my masculinity oh god I’m so masculine that my penis has a penis totally please don’t laugh at me for watching ponies.”

Crazy56U: I’m already waiting for the spooks to kill you, you don’t need to convince me anymore…

But, I thought if I downloaded this episode, I could brag about it to any bronies I met later in my life.

NaturalGlitch: That’s like bragging about chomping down on glass in front of a dentist office; it’s just a stupid idea.

SC276: “I watched ONE episode! Suck it!”

Sigma: “I watched Spike at Your Service! Now I know EVERYTHING about MLP!”

NaturalGlitch: I-I can't be the only one that likes that episode. ..right? Right?! No, you're crazy!

Scarlet: “Sup, bronies? Yeah, I’ve got a low-quality internet version of The Canterlot Wedding! What n- what do you mean “official release.”

Crazy56U: Dude, it’s “The Crystal Empire”. At the risk of offending someone, it’s not a good episode. Not the worst Season 3 episode, LORD no, but still...

NaturalGlitch: It’s not? Well, now I know! And knowing is half the battle! G.I.—(A few rusty saw blades impale his face and neck)—Joe...

So I downloaded it and plugged my headphones in.

Sigma: COMMENCE MLG AIRHORNS!

Crazy56U: (“theme of sanic hegehog” intensifies)

NaturalGlitch: “Ah, the ‘washer machine is backed up’ dubstep song I love~”

There was a lesson I forgot that night which I learned a long time ago from my dad: never download suspicious files on the internet.

RJ: Just seed them unquestioningly.

Scarlet: It’s true. Last time I downloaded one, I got this story. My hard drive will never feel clean again.

Crazy56U: “Hmm… ‘videoxxx.avi.exe’... SEEMS LEGIT! (downloads)”

Fallen Prime: Needs more BonziBuddy.

Topher: Ooh! suspicious file! Another square off the bingo card!

Why didn't I heed the warning? I don't know.

SC276: If you’re not into MLP, what did you even search to come across this page in the first place?

NaturalGlitch: Probably a YouTube Poop. Those were big back then.

Crazy56U: You want to be killed by spooks, don’t you? STOP BEING STUPID.

Anyway, after about 2 minutes or so, the file finished downloading

SC276: I don’t remember 2012 download speeds, but… eh, you’d maybe get five minutes, I think?

Sigma: Europe internet, SC. They get better connections than us.

Scarlet: Socialist bastards.

Crazy56U: The timing begins.

and I clicked the open tab that goes with it.

NaturalGlitch: “Apparently the episode is only five seconds long.”

Scarlet: Attempts to avoid Youtube’s piracy detection filters were much more elaborate than I remember, I guess.

Crazy56U: “Wait, this isn’t what I downloaded, what the heck is ‘Lose/Lose’?!”

It opened up a Windows Media Player file, which I found odd because my computer didn't have Windows Media Player. But I shook it off.

NaturalGlitch: “The vibrating and bleeding game disk vomited green tar all over my face. The sludge became sentient and started plugging up my mouth and nose. I assumed this was a glitch and moved on.”

SC276: Um… I’m pretty sure Windows Media Player comes pre-installed with every version of Windows. What are you, on a Mac or something?

Crazy56U: I bet dollars to donuts he’s using a Tandy 400…

Topher: Strange occurrence that foreshadows future spoopy? Cross of another one, kiddies!

Hey! It's one less program I have to download!

Sigma: Ignorance is indeed bliss.

Crazy56U: You poor deluded fool… Everyone knows VLC is better…

Sigma: OI! Media Player Classic!

Crazy56U: I will fight you in the street.

Unlike most episodes I've seen, this one didn't have a short sketch that usually started it off or even the opening credits!

NaturalGlitch: “I sure know a lot about a show I don’t like.”

Crazy56U: Well, gee, the “leaked episode” is missing footage? In a Creepypasta? Oh, perish the thought...

It just jumped straight to the episode. Bear in mind, what I'm describing is what I saw on that damned video.

Sigma: Really, we thought you were going to describe the manner in which you came to it.

Scarlet: Remember, nothing in this show is real.

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, let me guess: you wanted to include snapshots, but the footage “mysteriously” wouldn’t work after this?

This 'episode' (If it can even be called that)

Crazy56U: ...so, it’s not a ham sandwich, then?

started with a shot of Ponyville, only this was dark and cloudy with big, grey clouds hovering over an abandoned street with the piano loop from 'Theme of Laura (Reprise)' playing in the background.

NaturalGlitch: PFFFT-AHAHAHAHHA! Did I call it or what? Do I get a prize?

Sigma: Your prize is being shamed for being a nerd.

SC276: I have no idea what that is, I’mma Google. ...Oh it’s from Silent Hill 2. ...Not bad.

Scarlet: Wake me up if it starts playing “Room of Angel” over shots of Celestia.

Crazy56U: So, wait, does mean the episode guest-stars Pyramid Head?

Trekker: The moment he starts humping mannequins, abort.

With the music still playing in the background, it showed Spike, the lovable purple baby dragon stitching something together in the darkness of the Library.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Ow! Why did I think stitching my claws into this pillow was a good idea?!”

SC276: Wait, I thought we were outside. We are suddenly in the library now. ...Suddenly, library!

Crazy56U: Well, given Spike’s crush on Rarity, it’s not entirely improbable that he knows “Art of the Dress” by heart...

"And done!" he said, the first few lines I heard throughout the whole episode.

NaturalGlitch: ...you mean the one that just started?

Scarlet: There was no opening sketch whatsoever, except these establishing shots.

Crazy56U: “And the last lines. The episode promptly ended.”

"I think Twilight Sparkle would be proud."

Sigma: “Too bad I’m sewing her up so she won’t be able to validate my need for attention.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Hey, Spike, what are you do- WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE COUCH?!”

Now you'd probably expect me to say something along the lines of "The quality of the episode was horrifically bad, the animation was rather choppy and the characters behaved oddly."

NaturalGlitch: “I much prefer the other cliches, thank you very much.”

Sigma: “Cliches like perfect quality and fluidity and hyperrealism.”

Scarlet: ...No, I really wouldn’t expect you to. Most Creepypasta aren’t about grainy videos.

Crazy56U: No, I expect you to mention how “hyper-realistic” everything is.

Topher: Denying creepypasta tropes, one of the most ironic creepypasta tropes out there. Cross that one off your card!

Well, truth be told, they didn't. The quality was perfect and the animation was fluid, as if the people behind MLP: FIM had sat down and took this thing seriously.

Sigma: ...two outta three ain’t bad.

Crazy56U: (begins eating meatloaf) Uh huh, keep telling yourself that, pal...

Spike was also in character too.

NaturalGlitch: Considering a lot of bronies think Cupcakes and Scootaloo’s Best Day Ever are in character, I’m always dubious whenever someone makes that claim about fan stuff.

Crazy56U: ...wait, I never heard of the second one… (looks up “Scootaloo’s Best Day Ever”) … (pulls out power drill, drills into brain)

SC276: “Your horrifically off versions of the characters match my headcanon perfectly!”

Sigma: “This will be PERFECT for my goreclop…”

JolloMD: “I DON’T WATCH MLP IT’S TOO GIRLY but Spike is totally in character.”

Anyway, the view then showed a pony. Not a normal, living pony, but a large, ragdoll-esque pony.

NaturalGlitch: I get it now; this is a Source animation, right?

Sigma: Dammit, not another SFM trollvid...

Crazy56U: Raggedy Ann?! What are you doing here?!

Trekker: Oh, that’s Tails Doll’s cousin, Pony Doll!

It was roughly the same size as a normal pony.

NaturalGlitch: So… almost twice as big as the ponies on the show? Or do you mean those tiny and really hairy ones?

Crazy56U: Huh, a pony-sized ragdoll? … It is Raggedy Ann!

It had black beads for eyes and its mouth had cross-stitches on it. Its coat was a dark purple, almost similar to that of Twilight Sparkle's.

NaturalGlitch: “It was the new generation of the Smarty Pants doll.”

Sigma: [Twilight] “To use the doll, you must BECOME the doll.”

Scarlet: [Spike] “I don’t foresee any reason this might cause anyone anguish or distress!”

Crazy56U: Spike’s making a Twilight Sparkle plushie to sell on eBay. Too bad Hasbro’s gonna kick him in the teeth for that...

I found this to be a rather odd sight. Where's Twilight Sparkle? Why is Spike making a ragdoll form of her? Unless the ragdoll is...

NaturalGlitch: “—about to clip through the geometry and crash Garry’s Mod—AGAIN.”

Sigma: Wait. How does he know anything about them anyway?

Crazy56U: Wait, is this turning into that one story where Rarity tries being Dr. Frankenstein?

"No. No, it can't be." I thought to myself and proceeded to keep on watching.

SC276: Were this my OC instead of Spike, you’d be horrified for completely different reasons.

Scarlet: Why, does your OC pull out organs and sew them into toys to bring them to life?

SC276: Actually, he just makes large plush toys of girls he wants to… for lack of a less creepy term, keep.

Crazy56U: (chokes back some puke) ...huh… All of a sudden, I feel the need to bathe in boiling hot water…

Topher: Keep on watching even after something is clearly up! Cross it off!

Throughout the episode, all I saw was Spike hanging about with the Twilight Sparkle ragdoll he made.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Oh wow, will Flash Sentry flip out when he sees this!”

Crazy56U: Who told you to mention him here?!

Sigma: It’s not like we’re violating a good thing by mentioning him. This thing was shit to begin with.

There was one scene in which he was reading an astronomy book with 'Twilight' and pointing at various things on the pages.

NaturalGlitch: Aww~ I wanted a book fort!

Scarlet: Sure. *dumps a large quantity of books on Glitch*

Crazy56U: “Wait, I thought Spike knew how to read…”

I kind of smirked at this, because I immediately thought of the music video for 'Busy' by Olly Murs.

Sigma: ...does anyone here get that reference? Because I don’t.

Crazy56U: Well, I tried looking it up on Youtube, and apparently the music video is non-existent. This is the closest thing I could find to one.

Scarlet: I immediately thought of my vast stuffed-animal collection. The ones that stare back at me every night from the attic.

Ya know? If you haven't seen it, Olly Murs makes a paper-mache woman and proceeds to talk to it, do things with it, as if it was a real human woman.

NaturalGlitch: “Maybe I should come over to your house and tattoo the answer right on your foreheads so you can get the reference.”

Sigma: I also don’t care.

Crazy56U: ...so, is it like “Pygmalion”, then?

At the end of that video, the woman DOES become real.

SC276: Or, y’know, the original Greek myth of Pygmalion. Know your classics.

Crazy56U: (pumps fist) CALLED IT!

Here however, the Twilight Sparkle ragdoll doesn't.

NaturalGlitch: This is like being in a theater with a guy telling you what’s about to happen.

RingmasterJ5: Ah, like The Catch’s comment section.

Crazy56U: So, given the implication that the “ragdoll” is Twilight’s corpse, does that mean this is more like “May” then?

Nothing really special happened throughout the episode. Just Spike going about his daily business with the Twilight Sparkle doll, all with the same cute, light-hearted music.

NaturalGlitch: All stolen from spooky games, I’m sure.

SC276: And another sucky Spike episode.

Scarlet: Truly, Akira Yamaoka is the most light-hearted of composers.

Crazy56U: Eh, it probably would’ve been better than “Princess Spike”, then...

They did everything. They read books, they walked around together (and by walked, I mean Spike carrying the doll on his back like a child would),

NaturalGlitch: Kinda like Calvin & Hobbes? ...why did I suddenly get an idea for a much better fanfic than this?

Sigma: Or… Let’s just read Calvin & Hobbes instead.

Crazy56U: (pulls out “The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes”) Waaaay ahead of you…

SC276: (pulls out “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes”) I’m so far ahead, I’m behind all of you. Mostly because these are heavy.

Fallen Prime: Great Scott.

Spike took requests from 'her' and so on.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “You want me to have all the jewels for breakfast? Say something if you don’t. ...AWESOME!”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “What’s that, Twilight? … You want me to burn down Sugarcube Corner? … Pinkie deserves it? ... Well, okay, if you say so!”

SC276: Insert Heavy reference here.

Sigma:

Crazy56U: Press X to Sandvich

He did everything with the doll, as if she was the real Twilight Sparkle. Nothing happened for much of the episode.

SC276: Sounds like one of those that would take me hours to finish because I kept pausing to go do something engaging.

Crazy56U: No one told Spike that they weren’t filming an episode that day, so Spike just dicked around with one of the cameras.

JolloMD: Why are you still watching this!? Nothing of note has happened since the beginning of the episode!

Well, that was until the last 5 minutes (not counting the credits).

NaturalGlitch: “A GWAR concert broke out.”

Sigma: “This immediately killed my boner.”

Crazy56U: Oh, is it time for spooks?!

Spike was sitting around a large table, drinking what looked like tea out of a small cup.

There was the sound of other ponies talking in the background, mostly the mane 6.

NaturalGlitch: The group that made a fighting game that was “totally” in the spirit of the show? I thought they had better things to do.

Sigma: Hey, Fighting is Magic still had good chances of being a quality game!

Scarlet: I’m more surprised someone who thought the show was “too girly” bothered to learn the unofficial fan nickname for the central cast.

Crazy56U: So, wait, Twilight isn’t dead? ...then why did he make a Twilight doll? He didn’t mention selling it, so what gives?

He was talking to various ponies, who were off screen of course.

Crazy56U: Uh oh, Spike snapped and is talking to ghosts...

"Really, me and Twilight want to thank you all so much for coming to our little tea party."

NaturalGlitch: I wonder what people are going to compare this moment to.

SC276: Oh good, I’m not the only one that thought that.

Crazy56U: (looks in his tea cup) This party sucks.

Spike said, pulling up the doll onto his knee as he mentioned Twilight.

NaturalGlitch: Ah, OK; Spike just wants to be like Jeff Dunham. ...EVERYBODY RUN! AGAIN!

Sigma: Oh great, does this mean we’re gonna deal with racist jokes about Saddle Arabians?

Crazy56U: (pulls out a lighter and some hairspray) Okay, enough of this tea party, who wants a barbecue?

SC276: I’m OK with either a grilled cheese sandwich or a hot dog. Or a burger, medium well.

I laughed a little, because hearing Spike say 'tea party' made me think of the Mad Hatter from Alice In Wonderland.

NaturalGlitch: “That’s when I heard knocks on glass. At first, I thought it was the window until I heard it come from the mirror again.”

Crazy56U: ...why do I have a feeling that’s going to bite you in the ass?

All that was missing was just some colourful clothing and a giant top hat with a '6/10' ticket inside it.

NaturalGlitch: “Don’t make me come over there and beat you with this hammer with the word ‘subtlety’ written on it!”

SC276: ...Um. “10/6.” The Hatter’s tag says “10/6.” I’m pretty sure Word wouldn’t autocorrect that.

Crazy56U: Well, in any case, this is still a better “Alice in Wonderland” adaptation than that Tim Burton movie…

Sigma: Apparently that’s actually a sequel to the cartoon adaptation. Still blows donkeys, though.

He then proceeded to say "I'm just so glad to have such good friends like yourselves. I mean-."

It was at this point, he stopped but the background noise kept going.

SC276: That’s what happens when you include uncalled-for periods.

Sigma: “If he listened to the background noise backwards, it told him to drink his ovaltine.”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Uh… Um… (pulls out a script) Fuck, what’s my line again…”

I also noticed he was sniffing and his eyes were beginning to water.

NaturalGlitch: Who knew dragons could also get sinus colds?

Crazy56U: He just realized this episode sucks...

Suddenly, he reached over to a near-by tape recorder and hit a button on it.

NaturalGlitch: “He needs to give it back to the Spy anyway.”

SC276: I thought Equestria was still on vinyl records?

Scarlet: Apparently this is the gritty ‘80s reboot Equestria.

Crazy56U: And then we were serenaded with the music of Spike’s people...

All background audio, along with the music, stopped. He then sat back down, looking forlorn. He then looked at the Twilight doll and with a grunt, slapped it off his knee.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Ah! A giant bee! I’ll get it, Twilight!”

Crazy56U: Good God, Spike, what did she ever do to you?!

The doll fell to the floor and landed with a soft thump.

Spike then placed his face into his hands.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Twilight won't stop crying and screaming in the middle of the night. I visit her grave and ask her to stop, but it doesn’t help; it never does.”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Man, this isn’t even my best work. I made much better ragdolls than this.”

The room was quiet for a short time, at least 5 seconds roughly, then I heard Spike crying.

NaturalGlitch: This is the part with the hyperrealistic eyes and the backward music, right?

Crazy56U: No, no, after watching the episode, the main character is usually dead. Hyper-realism only applies to the mysterious thing he discovered; that’s Creepypasta Cliche 101.

Topher: Character starts crying! All I need is a disturbing imagery flash and the word demonic and I’ll get bingo!

This wasn't the normal voice acting crying the voice actors and actresses would normal do, but more pained, as if his voice actress, Cathy Weseluck, was actually crying in Spike's voice.

NaturalGlitch: ...so, like how a voice actor would do.

SC276: If he’s not a fan, how does he know who voices Spike?

Crazy56U: Well, maybe he got bored on Wikipedia one night, I don’t know…

The next shot revealed the rest of the room and the reason Spike was crying.

NaturalGlitch: “Spike woke up to the sound of hammering. After that, he could barely hear the muffled sound of dirt covering the coffin over his own screams.”

Crazy56U: Onions. Onions everywhere.

Sat at the table with Spike were Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie & Fluttershy...

In the ragdoll form as Twilight Sparkle.

NaturalGlitch: All of them sown into one giant ragdoll? How’d the little guy carry that around? Dude must lift.

SC276: Is there a katamari underneath?

Crazy56U: Holy crap, I was kidding about Spike having a plushy-making hobby... ...seriously, he could make some real money with that... ...don’t know why he’s crying about it…

Sigma: He forgot to put the fake vaginas in them.

Crazy56U: (punches you hard enough to leave a dent in your skull) Quiet.

Sigma: This is just the internet. You can’t harm me!

There was also a clump of lint, a bag of flour, a pile of rocks, a bucket full of turnips

NaturalGlitch: … (slams his face into his desk verbatim)

Crazy56U: Oh, god DAMN it...

Scarlet: Is it bad I’m disappointed the dolls didn’t contain organs?

Crazy56U: No, you SHOULD be disappointed. Instead of doing that, this “episode” is ripping off a better episode. BOOOO!

& Gummy, Pinkie Pie's toothless aligator. I immediately thought of 'Party Of One' when I saw all this.

NaturalGlitch: (continues smashing his face)

SC276: STOP READING MY MIND, FIC!!

Scarlet: “But guys, this show is TOO GIRLY for me.”

Crazy56U: (louder) BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sigma: HOLD UP! I thought he never watched MLP! HOW would he be able to reference Party of One?!

SC276: We have been asking that the entire time, Sigma. Try to keep up.

Sigma: I’m too busy laughing to keep up.

Topher: Referencing a specific episode of the show to seem more real? Wow, I really didn’t expect this bingo game to work.

I then noticed that the music had changed. Instead of the cheery, light-hearted music that played throughout most of the episode, it was a sad piano song.

SC276: Was it anything like this?

Crazy56U: No, I think the piano music was more like this.

I felt really sorry for Spike here. I've never been in that situation but I could imagine how much it sucked being so much of a loner,

NaturalGlitch: “So much of a loner that he knows everypony’s name by heart.”

Scarlet: Spike lives wild and free on the open road, answering to neither man nor God.

Crazy56U: Well, since I already brought up one Avenue Q song in this...

that you have to make giant ragdolls the size of people and talk to them.

SC276: Yeah, at least my guy didn’t have his go bigger than 18 inches.

Scarlet: ...What? You mean not even you had organ-dolls? Damn it! I feel so empty inside right now!

NaturalGlitch: So you feel like… a ragdoll? I KNEW IT! Sound the alarm; it’s in here with us!

Crazy56U: Uh…

He sat crying in his chair with his ragdoll friends for about 10 seconds.

NaturalGlitch: “I keep a stopwatch with me at all times and timed it.”

Crazy56U: [timing intensifies]

Sigma: “It’s a shame when your only friends are empty physics models from the source engine.”

Then, something, I thought, unexpected occurred.

SC276: The fic became good?

Scarlet: According to the ninth wingding-document, his parents walked in after discovering the notebook he used to draft the first part of document seven. I suppose that explains the code.

Crazy56U: Oh, God, please don’t say the ragdolls start talking to him… You can only rip off “Party of One” so much, for fucks sake…

JolloMD: Suddenly, the ragdoll physics flipped the fuck out!

Another voice entered the scene. "Spike? Are you okay?" It sounded like Twilight Sparkle.

NaturalGlitch: “Remember: I do not watch this girly show.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Spike, Pinkie wants to know why you stole her ‘imaginary friends’, and I kinda don’t want to know what that means…”

Spike must not have heard her in his depressed state because he kept on crying. Then, I saw a white hoof holding a diamond appear on screen.

NaturalGlitch: [pony] “Can you make sure this isn’t a false diamond?”

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “Does Rarity have to cut a bitch?”

Spike looks up towards the hoof. "Guys?" he asked. Almost immediately afterwards, the view turned to reveal the mane 6, all in their living forms.

NaturalGlitch: [mane 6] “Brains...”

Sigma: Judging by the writing, there are no brains involved here.

Crazy56U: (buries face in hands) STOP RIPPING OFF “PARTY OF ONE”.

Spike's frown slowly turned into a wide smile.

Crazy56U: Spike realized he finally snapped, and he didn’t care.

He then leapt from the chair into their forearms.

The next scene that followed was of Spike playing in a field with all his friends. Usually, this would be the point where the letter to Celestia would be spoken over narration.

NaturalGlitch: “I do not like this show, but I have all the merch behind me on my altar.”

Crazy56U: Please, like Celestia would bother being in this? She’s probably on a smoke break…

Trekker: [Celestia] “Luna! Where have you put my 420s again?!”

However, this wasn't the case in this episode. It was just Spike and the Mane 6 playing for the rest of the episode, about 2 minutes before fading to black.

NaturalGlitch: “That’s when Sonic.EXE popped out of nowhere and spooked my guts out!”

Crazy56U: ...suddenly, Suicide Mouse?

Sigma: And let the Five Nights at Freddy’s crossovers roll.

Trekker: Why FNAF?

Fallen Prime: You haven’t been following FIMFic trends, have you?

Then, the credits began to roll like normal. I thought it was a weird episode but enjoyable.

Crazy56U: (holds up finger)

That was, until the credits ended.

Crazy56U: (puts down finger) There it is.

After the last piece of credits went by, a message popped-up on the screen. It read 'You've seen the missing episode, and now you're going to die.'

RingmasterJ5: “That’s it? What a gyp. Give me my bandwidth back.”

Scarlet: ...that’s it? It’s a shitty Ring video?

Crazy56U: “Aw, come on, I’m already dead inside, why do I need to die more?!”

Topher: Ripping off The Ring/deadly haunted video! Cross it!

Trekker: Wow, that was surprisingly straight forward for a creepypasta.

[Pasta] ”Okay you know the deal. SCREEEEEE!”

What was this? The normal episodes don't end like this.

RingmasterJ5: Rainbow Rocks did, but nobody actually watched that through to the end.

NaturalGlitch: (coughs embarrassingly) U-Um… yeah…

Crazy56U: Well, then.

JolloMD: Wait, what show have I been watching then?

And is someone trying to copy Knife Party with this statement?

SC276: Is it bad if I don’t get half the references? ...an Australian electronic dance music duo? Do they threaten to kill the people that listen to their music, what?

Scarlet: To be fair, they are called “Knife Party.”

Fallen Prime: “You blocked me on Facebook...”

Crazy56U: That… sounds like a shitty party.

Sigma: Sounds less like a party and more like the shittiest massacre attempt of all time.

Trekker: I’d prefer a Lemonparty.

Crazy56U: (chokes back puke) I’d rather not.

Anyway, it then cut back to the Mane 6 and Spike in the field they were playing in. Except here, it was at night.

NaturalGlitch: “Fooled you!”

Crazy56U: Calling it now: Nightmare Moon returned.

Sigma: Someone played the Sun’s Song while we weren’t looking.

Crazy56U: DAMN IT LINK!

All of them were facing away from the camera, towards the ground.

SC276: So, doing a me imitation then.

Crazy56U: (sighs) Here we go...

Then, almost at the same time, they all turned to face the view, but their faces, my god their faces. They were horrible.

RingmasterJ5: They were their old G3 selves again.

SC276: And suddenly the Rubber Cement ending of Binding of Isaac: Rebirth.

Crazy56U: (shivers)

Now you're expecting me to say something like 'Their eyes were hyper-realistic and blood was dripping from their eyes.' or 'They had parts of their flesh slowly peeling away as if they were slowly becoming zombies' or something like that.

NaturalGlitch: (sips on kool-aid in a wine glass) “I am too high class for that.”

Scarlet: You have once chance. If they’re all evil ragdolls, it’s at least a consistent theme. If not-

Crazy56U: And, let me guess, they are hyper-realistic? Because you have no creativity?

Well, honestly if you thought that, you're not too far off. The eyes WERE hyper-realistic,

SC276: Aaaaaand Glitch called it.

Crazy56U: Not just Glitch. (sighs)

Sigma: I think I hear a phone or two ringing!

Topher: To be honest, I don’t know why I didn’t make “Hyper-Realistic” the free space.

Trekker: It’s like you can’t have “2spoopy4me” stuff without it. Even FNAF has it.

but they weren't bloody like say Squidward's Suicide portrayed them.

NaturalGlitch: “They were different but the same!”

Trekker: How does that even work? That sounds like a quote from JoJo or something!

Scarlet: -aaaand you blew it. Congratulations, somehow you have managed to come in under-standard for Creepypasta.

Crazy56U: The creator of “Squidward’s Suicide” is rolling in their grave.

Instead, they all had yellow irises whilst the rest of their eyes were Prussian blue, giving the impression the characters were possessed.

NaturalGlitch: “And then a tall man wearing a black—I mean, um, gray suit with no face appeared!”

SC276: You specifically thought of Prussian blue instead of just dark blue, or just plain blue? What do they teach in those British secondary schools?

Crazy56U: “Or, they were wearing contacts, either way…”

Sigma: “Or maybe they just had some really weird drugs.”

Imagine Flippy from Happy Tree Friends when he flips out and replace the white with the blue.

SC276: I am, and it looks nothing like what you described earlier. Double-checking now in case my memory is failing me… Oh, the irises were yellow. I… would not call Flippy’s irises yellow. Well, not yellow yellow, more of a dark yellow YES I AM STALLING FOR TIME.

Crazy56U: Keep stalling, please? ...please?

SC276: I CAN ONLY THINK OF SO MUCH TO TYPE.

Crazy56U: GIBBERISH! JUST TYPE GIBBERISH!

Topher: I’M ON IT! *Shoots himself in the head, flops forward* qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

Suddenly, the screen went black and I heard evil laughter.

SC276: Sounded remarkably like Freddy’s, even though that’s two years later.

Sigma: Freddy Krueger or Freddy Fuckboy?

Trekker: Both. Don’t ask how.

Scarlet: “The video then transitioned into the opening of ‘Feel Good, Inc.”

Crazy56U: [Nelson] “HAW HAW!”

Topher: Evil laughter and mood whiplash! Another square bites the dust!

The screen then snapped back and it showed the characters far away from the monitor, their heads facing the ground with blood-curling screams of various voices in the background.

NaturalGlitch: “I assumed this was a glitch and kept on playing.”

Crazy56U: “They were screaming in agony after having read this story.”

Topher: Background Screams! And another one’s gone, and another one’s gone and another square bites the dust!

Some sounded like my friends and family, others sounded like celebrities (At one point, I thought I heard Nicolas Cage's scream among the voices)

SC276: The Wilhelm scream was repeated like fifty times.

Scarlet: ...The tenth wingding-doc indicates a disturbing fascination with Cage. Well, I suppose that line makes sense now.

Crazy56U: Hands down, Nicolas Cage’s best role.

Trekker: “NOT THE BEES, NOT THE BEES! AHH, THEY’RE IN MY EYES!”

Sigma: Meh. He won’t have a best role till he portrays a sentient breadroll.

Crazy56U: Well, that’s easy: have someone Kickstart the “I Am Bread” movie, which is a thing I’m sure will happen by 2020...

and some didn't even sound human. Every so often, there would be static and through the static, a disturbing picture would be shown.

NaturalGlitch: “It was my birthday picture again! I swear that wet stain on my pants was the punch I spilled!”

Crazy56U: Yep, the most disturbing picture of them all… Viewer discretion is advised…

Topher: Static! BINGO!

After every interval, the characters would inch closer to the screen, like in Slender.

NaturalGlitch: (arms bolt into the air) OH COME THE FUCK ON!

SC276: This guy clearly has minimal experience. Both the character and the author.

Crazy56U: Even Slender would think this story sucks, dude, you aren’t impressing anyone.

I remember some of those pictures among the static. One was the scene from 'Ghost Rider' where Nicolas Cage turns into Ghost Rider whilst laughing manically.

Sigma: Seriously, was this just a Cage praisefic that got sidetracked?

Crazy56U: Not that that’s a bad thing, but still…

Trekker: Still waiting for a priest to grab a girl’s buttocks and look like he wants to eat you.

That scene, even to this day, scares the life out of me.

NaturalGlitch: “And that’s why I have no life.”

Scarlet: ...I’d be willing to accept an explanation of this being a deliberately bad parody pasta.

Crazy56U: But, that scene’s funny, not scary...

Another was a picture of a mummy with its bandages removed, revealing its skull with little bits of rotting flesh on it. Another was of a girl lying back in a chair dead, with a knife imbedded into her head. She looked about 7-12 years old.

NaturalGlitch: “Or maybe 14-65. Look, it happened so quickly and I was scared out of my mind, OK?”

Scarlet: Oh fuck me, we get it. It’s The Ring. You can stop now, Sadako thinks you’re trying too hard.

Crazy56U: (holds up a “Trying Too Hard” card)

Topher: Flashing up disturbing imagery, a classic creepypasta cliche! Cross it!

This was awful to look at. Would you find it horrible if you saw a dead child brutally murdered somehow?

RingmasterJ5: I mean, I have at least 600 hours total in the Binding of Isaac series, so...

NaturalGlitch: Why didn’t this guy—oh, I don’t know—call the police about this?!

SC276: Did the Internet Police even exist in 2012?

Crazy56U: Insert FNAF joke here.

Trekker: [Freddy Fuckboy]: “inhale my dong enragement child”

I'm sure there was millions more, but I can't remember them all.

NaturalGlitch: “I passed out. ...I also seem to have, uh, dropped my punch onto my pants again.”

SC276: There were also a couple of screenshots of Pixels. Thank god that never came to pass AW FUCK.

Crazy56U: You mean we could have prevented it?!?!

Sigma: Sony could’ve prevented it by telling Adam Sandler to stop making shit, but sadly, it’s Sony.

JolloMD: “There were millions of pictures displayed in the few minutes left of the episode. The FPS was incredible.”

Eventually, they were right up close to the screen.

SC276: This is the part where they go SKREEEEEEE!!

Sigma: Skree? When did they become Saibamen?

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure this isn’t the kind of close-up they wanted. (ba-dum-tish)

Trekker: “Goddamnit! Someone blew Yamcha up again!”

The order they were in from closest to furthest was Spike, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and finally Fluttershy.

NaturalGlitch: Scared yet, folks? Maybe next he’ll count the times he inhales.

Trekker: [Toy Freddy] “Inhale.”

SC276: Who even remembers that kind of detail?!

Crazy56U: Ask the narrator of “Sonic.EXE”.

Sigma: Yeah, sure, after I get cancer.

They all then lifted their heads to reveal their faces. This time, they had blood pouring out of their mouths,

Crazy56U: So, in other words, this is the story of a day where there was all this blood.

each lined with sharp teeth and there were flames coming out of their eyes.

RingmasterJ5: And suddenly it was Twisted Metal. Or at least Rocket League with the Sweet Tooth car.

SC276: I don’t think there’s an official onomatopoeia for FNAF4’s cry yet. Still inserting it here.

Crazy56U: (the “Trying Too Hard” card bursts into flames) ...that cost me $5 at Kinkos, you assholes…

Topher: Body horror, cross it off!

Trekker: Not-so-subtle Ghost Rider references are not very subtle.

There was a massive clash of piercing screams and demonic roars.

SC276: ...Eh, close enough.

Scarlet: I don’t get why this is scary. So Twilight and the girls decided to put together an intro for a death metal video. It happens.

NaturalGlitch: Check out the Mane Six’s next hit song: Honey is Bee Puke!

Crazy56U: LOUD NOISES!

Topher: DEMONIC AND A JUMPSCARE! DOUBLE BINGO!

I screamed my lungs out at the sight of their faces.

NaturalGlitch: You should probably try to find a way of putting those back inside; you might need them.

SC276: Just the faces? The sound had nothing to do with it?

Scarlet: “JESUS FUCK JUMPSCARE”

Crazy56U: Man, it’s going to take forever to get those lungs back inside him!

I threw off my headphones and flung them at the screen. All it did was just nudged it back a bit.

NaturalGlitch: PHEW! Man! I was so worried about his monitor, you guys!

SC276: Were flatscreens a thing in 2012? I think they were? Because an old CRT would’ve bounced those things back in his face.

Trekker: Unless if he uses a 3D Flat Internet-capable TV screen. Then it probably shatters into a million pieces. I know...

Crazy56U: Well, now the monitor has grounds to sue your ass...

I jumped back so hard from the shock, the back of my chair broke and I fell to the floor.

NaturalGlitch: “I then broke through my floor, then the next floor, then the next...”

SC276: If he fell backwards into the House of Leaves, I will laugh so much.

Crazy56U: Too bad no one opened a door. Now you can’t do the dinosaur.

After I hit the floor, the room went black. I then stood up in time to catch my monitor giving me a blue screen of death.

Crazy56U: “DAMNIT WINDOWS VISTA!”

Topher: Computer crash, cross it!

I tried to turn it back on, but it wouldn't. So, I just went to bed.

NaturalGlitch: “My bed still has stains from the time a butterfly flew into my room. I haven’t open that window since then.”

Crazy56U: “Hmm… won’t turn on. ...eh, that’s enough troubleshooting for one night. BED TIME!”

The following morning, I woke up and tried to turn my computer on. This time, I was successful, but all my shortcuts to various games, programs etc. were all gone from the desktop.

NaturalGlitch: Maybe your delete function was hooked up to the “scream like a shrill baby” microphone.

SC276: I hate when Windows stealth-updates in the middle of the night.

Crazy56U: Well, that’s what you get for screaming like a Youtube scarecam Let’s Player...

It was just the link to the video I watched the night before. I showed it to my brother, but to my suprise, it didn't show the ending that I saw with the demonic characters or anything. It played the credits and that was it. The end. They

RingmasterJ5: since his brother is apparently more than one person,

Scarlet: Inconsistent narrators- the true horror.

NaturalGlitch: Hear it’s cry!

Crazy56U: The narrator’s brother must have multiple souls in his body, like in that story involving Love Glasses I’ve completely forgotten about…

Topher: Evidence gone by morning. Cross it off!

just shook it off as me trying to play a joke on them and didn't believe me when I insisted I saw what I saw.

I thought it would be over after all that. I was wrong.

NaturalGlitch: Tell us about it.

Crazy56U: DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM!

Over the summer holidays, I've had nothing but misfortune follow me where ever I go. At first, I began to lose minor things like money or some Pokemon cards I've collected all my life.

NaturalGlitch: “How am I supposed to live without my Pikachu card if I can’t kiss it every night?!”

SC276: That’s what happens when you don’t keep your things organized.

Scarlet: Look, if I lost a Charizard I’d be sad too. If I was ten.

Crazy56U: Wait, is this going to turn into a Pokemon Creepypasta, too?

But then it escalated. I began getting sick more often, I'd get hurt one way or another, my computer would catch a virus and so on.

NaturalGlitch: Is this kid an amnesiac bubble boy and wandered outside?

Scarlet: “The video had cursed me with a really shitty Monday.”

Crazy56U: Yeah, I don’t think the spooky episode has anything to do with that, buckwheat...

Eventually it got so bad, that one night in late July, whilst everyone was asleep, I put the video file onto a memory stick, took it outside and smashed it to pieces with my dad's sledgehammer.

NaturalGlitch: “It was the curse; I swear!”

Crazy56U: He wanted to be our sledgehammer. Why don’t we call his name?

Topher: Destroying the disk/cartridge! DOUBLE BINGO!

After that, my luck began to turn.

SC276: That’s it? That’s all it takes? You couldn’t just… delete it?

Crazy56U: Given that this is a Creepypasta, I’m pretty sure that would cause Spike and his plushies to enter the real world. ...which, now that I think about it, is probably how this will end...

I was finding things I had lost, I began to feel better, I was able to fix my computer, etc.

NaturalGlitch: “I was able to talk to that cute girl without throwing up on her too much.”

I also got an enrollment at this nice little college not far from home.

But then came 16th August, which the curse, if it actually IS a curse, returned.

SC276: August 16th: Revenge of the Curse! Coming soon to a theater near you!

From what my family told me, I attacked Britney with a part of my shelf.

RingmasterJ5: “Apparently they meant that I attacked her with a part of myself, but we’ve both spent the last few months repressing that particular memory.”

NaturalGlitch: “I didn’t even know ears could do that!”

SC276: Who’s Britney again? ...oh right, the sister. I couldn’t be bothered to remember earlier. Since when do Creepypastas name people…?

Crazy56U: Oops, he did it again. He played with your heart, got lost in the (dodges brick) game.

But what happened from my perspective was that Britney came into my room one night (I think it was to tell me to turn my computer's volume down or something), but all I saw was that demonic Spike holding his Twilight Sparkle ragdoll.

NaturalGlitch: “All the menace evaporated when the ragdoll made a squee sound.”

Crazy56U: [Britney] “Okay, dude, seriously, will you turn that crap down-”

[Gerald] “ARUGHBLAUGHSPIKEPLUSHIEAHHH”

[Britney] “...did you get into Dad’s pills again?”

I picked up my nearest weapon, which was a shelf piece I couldn't be bothered to put up,

SC276: Gheeze, you’re lazier than me.

Crazy56U: Well, to be technical, your fists count as weapons. ...hell, so do your feet. ...then again, I think you would punch/kick with the same force as a baby…

Trekker: Maybe if he starts screaming “ORAORAORA”, his punch would be stronger.

and struck Spike repeatedly.

NaturalGlitch: “But since Spike can survive lava and being swatted by gigantic dragons like it’s nothing, all I was doing was giving him a massage.”

Crazy56U: He failed to notice that the shelf piece broke after the first swing, but...

When Josh pulled me away, I saw Britney cowering on the floor, shielding her face.

SC276: Why was her face so low to the ground? How big do you think Spike is, author?

Crazy56U: I find it funny that it’s not mentioned that this attack hurt her. That means my baby theory might be true.

I insisted I saw Spike, but nobody believed me. Now, Britney thinks I'm a total psycho.

NaturalGlitch: Those cannon fodder enemies from Borderlands?

Scarlet: That explains why she shot him the next morning.

Crazy56U: Well, Gerald, this is a feeling she’s had for a while. She just didn’t vocalize it until now...

Trust me! I saw Spike and his Twilight Doll! You've got to believe me!

NaturalGlitch: So...no dates on these? Is this one large text file or a computer diary?

RingmasterJ5: Apparently one large text file he was typing out right before… well, you’ll see.

SC276: Who are you even addressing?

Crazy56U: His computer, as he types this. It’s the only friend he has left, and even it doesn’t like him...

Anyway, my luck just got worse. I began having panic attacks, I saw the demonic characters out of the corners of my eyes and so on.

NaturalGlitch: He must’ve got into the “Soy Sauce” by accident.

RingmasterJ5: At least it’s better than getting into the Soy Milk. I don’t care what anyone says, the tear rate doesn’t make up for the damage lost.

Scarlet: John Dies At The End is too good for this story. Never reference it again.

NaturalGlitch: (sulks over into a corner while sad music plays)

Crazy56U: Wait, I thought you were referencing that one Strong Bad Email… I mean, that made more sense to me given how I think Gerald going to start ranting about going to the Moon soon...

It got so bad, Josh and Britney decided to move out of the house and stay with their friends. Now, I only have my parents to look after me.

NaturalGlitch: “But they never talk. Always smiling, never blinking and so...huggable!”

Scarlet: Glitch gets to write the replacement story again.

Crazy56U: Uh huh, keep telling yourself that… Like your parents are going to put up with your insanity...

What about now? My parents left the house at half-past 4 in the afternoon and told me they'll be back by 8. It's now 15 minutes to 11 and they STILL haven't returned.

NaturalGlitch: [Dad] “How were we supposed to know The Hobbit was going to be that long?!”

SC276: I never could sit through those dang extended editions…

Sigma: Seriously? That’s the only way I watch the Middle-earth movies.

Crazy56U: Damn that Martin Freeman! How dare he be a convincing Bilbo...

I've tried to get some sleep but everything I've seen and done until now still haunts me in my sleep.

NaturalGlitch: Try beating your own face with the chunk of shelf that just appears when you need it.

Crazy56U: If you want to sleep that bad, just stick a fork into an electrical socket. That will put you to sleep in no time!

I'm really starting to worry. My family knows what's been happening to me, my friends know what's been happening, the police also got informed about what's going on, but I'm mostly scared something I do will get someone hurt like it did with Britney.

NaturalGlitch: “But she wanted me to hit her one more time!”

SC276: It’s possible to check yourself into an asylum, right? Creepypasta worlds need more therapists.

Sigma: “They told me to leave Britney alone, and maybe I should’ve listened!”

Crazy56U: Okay, if you get to reference a terrible meme, then so do I!

Not only that, but I've been hearing voices and stuff all the time I'm alone. In fact, right now I hear gentle tapping outside the front door but I'm too scared to answer it.

NaturalGlitch: “Oh, it’s just my very large and creepy looking clown doll that I don’t remember buying.”

Crazy56U: Clowns.

Topher: For those following along on the creepypasta bingo, that counts under “scratching/footsteps.” bingo. yaaaay.

Wait. What was that? Oh my god, it's getting closer! I don't know what it is, but it's getting closer!

NaturalGlitch: So...why are you still typing? In fact, why didn’t you send all this as an email or something?

SC276: Perhaps he was dictating.

Crazy56U: It’s probably Britney, armed with a piece of your shelf.

I can hear it knocking at my door! Please Someone! Call the police! I don't want to die young! I haven't evesdgvbfkwrgvieruvbri8rsege i.

RingmasterJ5: He didn’t actually die there, he just fell asleep on the keyboard.

Scarlet: Thus ends Gerald- eaten by incoherent typing.

Crazy56U: If he was going down, the keyboard was going down with him.

Fingerprints were discovered on the victim's keyboard, leading us to believe the victim was pulled away from the computer before being murdered.

NaturalGlitch: Wait—I thought he died from brain hemorrhaging.

RingmasterJ5: And how do fingerprints on the keyboard indicate he was pulled away from it? Who the fuck knows, we have shitty villain monologue to get to.

Scarlet: “There was no evidence of assault.”

Crazy56U: Yeah, and also- wait, “shitty villain monologue”?

According to our research,

SC276: “-which we won’t elaborate on here, since it’s scientifically impossible to perform-”

Crazy56U: “which is just the words ‘Fuck this story.’ repeated for 15 pages, ”

this file was left abandoned until 11:30PM when a mysterious person, who doesn't seem to resemble Gerald,

SC276: How do you know what the guy looks like?

Crazy56U: Well, he’s a person with arms and legs, that much is for sure.

continues typing the document.

NaturalGlitch: “It reads: ‘As I pushed my thumbs into her eye sockets, it occurred to me that my cheating husband may have been right. It was amazing to feel her from the inside.’”

Crazy56U: Now, wait a tick, who would be sadistic enough to continue this piece of-

Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Spike.

NaturalGlitch: I knew he didn’t die at the end of Cowboy Bebop!

Scarlet: Nah, it’s a Creepypasta. He did.

Sigma: GOD DAMMIT GLITCH YOU FUCKING SPOILED BEBOP FOR ME!

Crazy56U: ...o-oh… ...oh God no...

I'm Twilight Sparkle's baby dragon assistant from the show My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “And I… (sniff) ...am addicted to gems.”

Scarlet: “ARE YOU NOT FRIGHTENED?”

Crazy56U: Please don’t tell me we’re doing this...

I'm also the one who's doing you readers a favour and letting you know what's going on right now.

SC276: Aren’t you generous.

Crazy56U: We’re doing this.

Gerald Young is dead.

Sigma: “He said nothing was too kinky for him, but…”

Crazy56U: We’re fucking doing this.

He's currently lying on his bed right now. It looks kind of cute,

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “With his Fluttershy pajamas on. Dude swears he doesn’t watch the show. Who’s he fooling, am I right?”

Scarlet: First genuinely creepy moment- “awww, look at the cute dead kid! I just wanna snuggle him!”

Crazy56U: Why are we fucking doing this.

he almost looks like he's sleeping, besides his eyes being open.

Sigma: “But hey, I ain’t complainin’. Makes fucking ‘em easier.”

Crazy56U: WHY ARE WE FUCKING DOING THIS?!

Regardless, there's more to Gerald then you people already know.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “He can chew on his own toenails. It’s true!”

Crazy56U: Doubtful. Also, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!

Scarlet: Because we read the forbidden creepypasta. Now we have to suffer through hyper-realistic shitty resolutions.

You see, ever since he was young, Gerald has a small case of schizophrenia. So small in fact, you won't notice it from him, as if he doesn't have it at all.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “And my claws keep poking holes into these keys. Oh well.”

SC276: Is this one of those cases where the guy thinks he’s mentally ill because of what he read on the Internet and didn’t tell anyone?

Crazy56U: Oh, of fucking COURSE he was crazy! We’ve already managed to reach rock bottom with this, why NOT toss down a shovel?!

The video he watched actually never exists and his 'curse' actually was his own doings.

NaturalGlitch: Thanks for sucking away any mystery for the readers, author. Wait, no—this creepypasta always sucked.

Crazy56U: All this is making think of is the twist to “Fight Club”. Did you rip off “Fight Club”?!

JolloMD: “He was crazy and none of it actually happened, but I’m real somehow.”

All those things he'd lose?

Sigma: “It was actually ME! Dio Brando!”

Crazy56U: Not even Dio would be crazy enough to subject us to this bit of what-the-fuck…

Scarlet: [Dio] I, Dio, would never debase myself by typing such a resolution in word processor! I would claim responsibility by throwing a vehicle at the house with my name signed on it!

Trekker: From an ambiguously gay vampire, that’s debatable.

He would purposely take them out of the place he'd usually keep them and hide them somewhere in his house. And all his illness and injuries? He did those himself.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “The big guy even tried to pin me with the sledgehammer incident. What a kook!”

SC276: The author literally just tried to make a creepypasta out of Happy Tree Friends’ “Double Whammy” two-parter and paint MLP on it. ...I’ve seen worse.

Crazy56U: Oh my God, you are! You ARE ripping off “Fight Club”! WHAT IS THIS?!

Fallen Prime: If either of you are right, then the twist is... this was secretly a crossover.

He'd take strong medication from his bathroom cabinet until he became ill. He would purposely throw himself in harm's way and claim it was all an accident.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Like walking around in black socks and sandals.”

SC276: How did no one else notice he was doing those things?

Scarlet: Remember, his schizophrenia was too small to notice.

SC276: I’m pretty sure that if there was strong medication in the house, it was prescription and whoever needed it would notice it running out so fast.

Crazy56U: Hey, I don’t know, given this story, nobody probably gave enough of a crap to notice these things. Spike is giving an evil monologue right now, the sky’s the limit!

I'm suprised he hadn't killed himself doing so! He would also search up and download viruses too.

NaturalGlitch: No, that’s called looking up porn.

Scarlet: Based on documents eleven and twelve, he was producing that just fine on his own.

SC276: ...wait, if it’s Wingdings, wouldn’t decoding just be changing the font?

Scarlet: …..In a manner of speaking, yes.

Fallen Prime: GODDAMMIT I TRUSTED YOU.

Crazy56U: Okay, no, I HIGHLY DOUBT his schizophrenia would make him do that dear GOD what is this making me type?!

I've watched him throughout his mental breakdown and eventually, he got so caught up in his 'curse', he took a memory stick, which was empty, out to his garden and destroyed it, thinking it had the file.

NaturalGlitch: This summary should’ve been how long the creepypasta lasted; it’s just about as scary.

Crazy56U: And yet it makes just as much sense!

What he doesn't know is that all the time he thought he was watching the video, he was really watching his screen with the computer turned off.

RingmasterJ5: ...so he had his brother(s?) watch a blank screen that was supposed to be a lost My Little Pony episode for twenty minutes, complete with him saying that there used to be a creepy alternate ending that wasn’t there now… and he was allowed to keep living as normal for the next few months and wasn’t immediately sent to therapy/a mental asylum. Makes sense.

SC276: How old is the brother again? 23? Yeah, they wouldn’t sit through a blank screen for 22 minutes, no matter what the guy said.

Scarlet: Actually, he never had a brother. IT ALL MAKES absolutely no sense, but I’ll take what I can get.

Crazy56U: I swear, the longer this monologue goes on, the more I feel my brain frying from this…

SC276: Would you take offense, then, if I cooked an egg on your scalp?

Crazy56U: Call a doctor first, then we’ll talk…

Trekker: Sitting in front of noth-OH COME ON! YOU JUST HAVE TO RIP OFF ANOTHER PASTA, DIDN’T YOU!

Anyway, after he destroyed the memory stick, his schizophrenia levels lowered and he went back to his normal self.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “His sanity meter dropped, but so did his magic level.”

Sigma: “Told the idiot to take some Ethers, but NOOOO, I have MP cost reducers! Shows what he knew.”

Crazy56U: Uh… Eternal Darkness joke… I-I don’t… I don’t know anymore...

Until that one night he attacked his sister. That was his schizophrenia. Everything he writes about above is due to his schizophrenia. And the parents going missing?

NaturalGlitch: ...missing for a few extra hours?

Crazy56U: Wait, did he imagine that too?!

Their car had broken down and they were getting it fixed. That gave me the perfect time for me to come out of my hidding place, his garden, and finish him off.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “It’s a tough job, but someone needed to pull all the crabgrass out.”

SC276: So wait, not only is he schizophrenic, but there’s another separate entity involved? That identifies as a fictional baby dragon? This is like the times I imagine a vigilante against the Man going by the name of Bowser Jr.

Crazy56U: So why didn’t you finish him off before?! Did you really have to wait for him to go mental to do so?!

Scarlet: I’m just sad I can’t make “hidding place” any funnier than it already is.

You've read what happened to 1 victim. But just imagine what I can do to you.

NaturalGlitch: Eat all my food?

SC276: Put numerals in my prose?

Sigma: Make me read this creepypasta?! OH GOD, THE TORTURE!

Crazy56U: (grabs head) Buddy, I already know what you can do to me. Dear God, I think I’m going insane right now…

Trekker: Come get some. I doubt you can breathe in subspace.

Yes, I'm talking to YOU reader. I'll come for you. First, you'll feel paranoid, then you'll start doing things that you wouldn't normally do.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Like tipping your waitress 30%! Muahahahaha!”

Crazy56U: Why is he still monologuing?!

Trekker: Because he have a Lv.9 in Cliche-ism, and by god he’s gonna use it!

Finally, I'll come and kill you by any means neccessary. And guarantee you won't find me.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Gummy taught me all his ninja skills!”

SC276: I can find you. I just have to find all the misspelled words in this thing.

Crazy56U: You’re a fucking baby dragon in the modern day! I THINK I CAN FIND YOU!

Scarlet: Unfortunately, the wisdom debuffs from reading this pasta will severely impair all our spot checks. He may have a point.

Trekker: [Spike] “I have a particular set of skills. I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

I can be anywhere. I could be in your car's boot.

Topher: Okay, there’s been too much Britain in this story. Just a moment. *inhales* BALDEAGLEHAMBURGERSEXPLOSIONFREEDOMGREATBIGCARSFUCKYEAH! Ok, ‘merica levels restored. Proceed.

I could be in your attic. I could be in your waldrobe.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “I could be checking myself out in the mirror wearing your undies!”

SC276: Well if you’re in my closet, tough luck. That thing has so much stuff in front of it, I forget it’s there sometimes!

Crazy56U: Could you be in my toilet, where other crap belongs, please?

Trekker: [Spike] “I’m never coming out of the closet.” Yeah buddy, you go sit in there with Foxy.

I could even be just outside your window, watching you as you read this.

Sigma: HA! Jokes on you! My windows are blocked!

Crazy56U: In that case! (smashed window next to me) HA!

Trekker: HA! Joke’s on you! My house DOESN’T have windows!

But know this, some day I'll get you. Maybe tomorrow, maybe tonight, but I'm gonna get you.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “I’ll be so adorable you’ll have no choice but feed me all the ice cream!”

SC276: “I AM ALREADY HERE”

Crazy56U: (rubs temples) Oh, piss off…

Topher: Ok, I’m busy tonight and tomorrow, how’s next Tuesday?

Sincerely, Spike The Dragon.

P.S: Don't bother running from me. Once I have you in my sights, there's no getting away.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Unless you take a few steps away. My legs are short, OK?”

SC276: He does realize his hit list now consists of the entirety of Scotland Yard now, right?

Sigma: Good luck with Sherlock not fucking his shit up.

Crazy56U: I… I think part of me died just now…

SC276: You… probably missed a couple other guys in the chat saying how stupid the ending was.

Crazy56U: ...I could’ve learned in advance? (eyes tear up) I-I could’ve been better prepared? … … (begins crying)

Police forces are still on the case of this unexplained death.

If you have any information regarding Gerald Young's death, please contact your local police department.

NaturalGlitch: He didn’t play any haunted video games or scary rom hacks who give him suicidal urges, so I can’t help you out.

Scarlet: I want to help, but I’m too busy trying to recover from the gut I burst laughing at Spike wanting to kill me.

Crazy56U: (sniff) Well, I don’t have any information about What’s His Face, b-but I do think I’m having a mental breakdown of my own, does that count?

So, you guys, how was that for my first Creepypasta?

NaturalGlitch: Pretty standard for a TV one, really.

SC276: I don’t know if I’m lucky or unlucky to not have a benchmark for that.

Scarlet: Terrible.

Sigma: Wait, this WAS a serious creepypasta? Damn!

Crazy56U: No comment.

Trekker: I...I think Ebert put it best:

“I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it. I hated this thing.” Or something like that.

Could it all be true?

RingmasterJ5: Considering you literally put a disclaimer at the start of the story saying it wasn’t, I’m going to go with… maybe.

Crazy56U: (grabs head harder) If there is a loving God, it won’t be.

Was it really Gerald's schizophrenia all along that was affecting his life?

NaturalGlitch: I put my answer as… three. Does that count?

SC276: I’m gonna go with… true. Yeah, definitely true. Well, that was easy.

Sigma: ...forty-two.

Crazy56U: D) None of the above.

Or was there a demonic presense at work here?

And what about Gerald's death?

Sigma: That’s what he gets for trying to create the ultimate life-form- Oh, not Gerald Robotnik? Who the fuck is this other Gerald? I don’t give a shit about him.

Crazy56U: Who cares? Honest to God, who cares...

Could some demonic form of a baby dragon killed him?

NaturalGlitch: How do you not giggle while reading that?

SC276: What makes you think a demon is involved? At all?

Scarlet: Find out next week, on “MLP: FiM- The Lost Episodes!”

Crazy56U: (chokes back a sob)

JolloMD: Baby dragons will fuck you up, man.

Trekker: Yare yare daze...

Or maybe Gerald wrote the last part as Spike and then killed himself afterwards.

SC276: Then the second personality as a result of schizophrenia, has schizophrenia.

Crazy56U: No, that couldn’t be it! It makes too much sense!

I'll leave that for you guys to decide.

NaturalGlitch: Is this going to be on a test?

SC276: The answer is none of the above.

Scarlet: It was me, I did it. Please let me go now.

Sigma: “It was ME! Dio Brando!”

Crazy56U: Okay, fine, here’s what I decide: none of the story happened. That way I can feel better about myself...

Who knows, maybe I'll write more?

SC276: Doesn’t mean you have to post it.

Crazy56U: Is that a joke?

Trekker: If it is, it’s less funny than fucking Pewdiepie. Congratulations, you fail harder than the fail lord himself!

But for now, I'm gonna back to work with my other projects.

RingmasterJ5: Which, and I am not even kidding here, consists almost entirely of terrible Epic Rap Battle fanfics between fictional characters. The guy has 43 of the fucking things.

SC276: You’re not allowed to call your other works “projects,” author, that’s my shtick. ...Shit, maybe I have schizophrenia and this guy is the other guy! ...No wait, that’s about as stupid as this fic.

Crazy56U: Is that a joke?

Until then, Happy Halloween.

NaturalGlitch: “♫And a happy new year!♫ ...wait.”

Scarlet: Fuck it. I’m gonna go have a tea party with my six best friends and try to forget this ever happened.

Sigma: What friends? You’re on the internet. We have no friends!

SC276: If you’re serving pulpless orange juice, I’m totally in.

Crazy56U: I… I’m gonna go a-and lay down until everything is okay. (slides onto the floor)

SC276: … (gives Crazy an orange juice box) Here.

Crazy56U: (slowly grabs juice box; chugs it)

SC276: Not sure how into hugs you are, but if you want one…

Crazy56U: (hugs SC276, sobs loudly)

SC276: (hugs Crazy back) There, there…

Topher: *inspects bingo card* Well, that was ri-goddamn-diculous. He literally only skipped three tropes!

JolloMD: This was the best Halloween I’ve had all year.

RingmasterJ5: Here we are, the first user voted one-shot of the revival. And… I actually don’t know that much about this particular fic, but I believe Fallen does. Take it away.

Fallen Prime: Well, I don’t know about the fic so much as the author, Destroyershy96. He first got in trouble on FIMFiction when he harassed and stalked a prominent member of Rage Reviews, which helped him get banned from the site, and just kept stoking the flames by trying to twist the facts of the matter to make himself look like the victim and being completely incapable of NOT alluding to it in backhanded jabs in every comment he made. The main reason given for BOTH his bans, however, was rampant alt abuse, which hadn’t stopped even after returning from said second ban. I only know of the one other alt he had at that time, but its main role was to white-knight for himself in arguments he doesn’t think he could win. He seems to be gone from the site now, more or less, as his username’s been changed to “dead12,” but his work’s all hosted on Pony Fiction Archive. Remember THAT place?^[a]^[b]^[c]

RingmasterJ5: Barely. But, seeing as this is only 4.4k words and is more the “shitty writing and OCs” kind of bad rather than the “infamous author who keeps letting their views get in the way of the story” kind, it’ll be a nice breather. Mostly because it’d definitely be a bad idea to have anything longer/more pseudo-intellectual in between Kudzu and… what we have next week.

Fallen Prime: In fairness, though, the longest fic in the poll ALMOST won.

RingmasterJ5: True, but by no means does that mean it wasn’t terrible.

Fallen Prime: So that’s not to say it won’t be back some other week. I feel like some of the editor picks coming up will be ripped from poll rejects, especially in months when it comes down to a bunch of really good ones. Either way, the fic you all voted on comes to us from the one person out there who still uses PFA, awkwardly titled “A Beautiful But Scary Effect.”

RingmasterJ5: I have to reiterate that the fic you’re about to read is not a trollfic. I know, it surprised me too.

I will state my name and what I am and my personally (or what everypony thinks of me).

SC276: Your personally someone I don’t want to learn about already.

RJ: I’m confused. Is he an incoming OC or a POW?

Crazy56U: In any case, ready the shotguns.

My name is Ice Star and I tend to behave like a stereotypical upper-class individual,

SC276: [Ice Star] “I say, old boy, wot wot?”

Crazy56U: Ah, god damn it, he’s a 1% guy…

Sigma: So, a sexually repressed twat?

NaturalGlitch: Why are my ears suddenly burning?

often looking down upon others with boredom, arrogance, snobbery and apathy, and I hated my vampire urges.

Waterpear: That escalated quickly. It’s just like a cliff made of escalators!

Crazy56U: ...and he’s also a vampire. ...suddenly, my 1% comment seems more fitting…

Sigma: Can anyone else see left field?

NaturalGlitch: Let’s all forget there are legitimate bat ponies (called thestrals) on the show and the one “vampire” was Flutterbat, and she only went after apples, OK readers?

I am also a Vampony in case you didn’t get that.

SC276: Usually when a vampire’s up front about being a vampire, that’s the first thing they mention.

Crazy56U: Well, I apparently have short-term memory loss, so I guess that- wait, where am I?

Sigma: Wait, is he vampire or vampony? Consistency, man!

RJ: [Rye Mash] … Is he a pirate too?

NaturalGlitch: I’d much prefer to be an umbrum, a Shadow pony like Sombra just to have the thrum of his voice. ...what?

Well might as well start explaining what happened today. It started on a day like any other.

Neo:”And then… she walked in.”

SC276: It wasn’t actually today, it was five weeks ago.

Crazy56U: But then everything changed when the crap writing attacked.

Sigma: “Oh, god, the grammar wars… So many misplaced apostrophes! You’re, not your!”

I didn’t have anything to do so I thought of an idea.

RJ: Thinking of the idea took the rest of the day and most of the following week.

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, you decided to use your (Spongebob impersonation) imaginaaation…

SC276: The Grinch had a wonderful, awful idea!

As long as I had nothing better to do I might as well go mess with Reaper.

NaturalGlitch: “He was in charge of the corn and likes his scythe a little too much.”

He has a red coat and a light gray mane.

Waterpear: ...is this the guy from Ten Minutes: Aftermath?

Crazy56U: And he also owns a black coat and a scythe and keeps talking about how we’re all going to die. I never pegged him as being a goth…

Sigma: Steel’s gonna kill someone.

He’s a carefree, arrogant type of guy who does not care for anything.

SC276: With all these riffs, I’m getting pretty dang close to that myself.

Crazy56U: And maybe, one day, we all will be, and world peace will finally be achieved. (dove lands on head)

Topher: You gonna eat that dove?

NaturalGlitch: He’s so carefree that he doesn’t care?

Well I believe I’ve explained myself witsenough so now back to the story.

SC276: You’ve barely diverged from it. That’s like a train apologizing to its passengers for going on and off a siding. At least, if sidings are anything like they are in Thomas & Friends.

Crazy56U: ...this is going to be a reoccurring trend, isn’t it...

I walk into the store and see him.

NaturalGlitch: “Which was difficult since the market place is outside. It would help if I established what store it was or where I am.”

I walked up to him and said,

“Good morning, Reaper. As foolish as always, I see.”

Neo: Cause that’s how I greet my friends, calling them foolish even when they are just sitting around doing nothing.

SC276: [Ice Star] “What with all of the putting all these line breaks right before a quotation even though the sentence clearly continues, wot wot.”

Crazy56U: Hey, just because he’s a goth doesn’t mean he’s foolish! ...yeah, screw it, I’m sticking with my joke-interpretation of Reaper.

“Gah! Freakin’ blood-sucker! What are you doing here?” He asked surprised.

NaturalGlitch: If he’s a… ugh, a vampony, then how did he survive the sunlight? Is this taking place at night? Who am I talking too? Where am I?

I rolled by eyes and said,

Waterpear: Meanwhile, Reaper did a cartwheel by some tongues.

Neo: Are we entirely sure he’s his friend? Like are we completely for certain that he just doesn’t imagine they’re friends?

Crazy56U: Okay, now there’s racism…

SC276: I’ve noted, actually, that he never at any point calls any of them “friends.” They’re just a bunch of people he knows that, as far as he’s concerned, exist solely for his amusement.

“What a silly question. Why should I tell you why I do anything?

NaturalGlitch: [Reaper] “Because you’re sniffing my mane while... Are you purring?”

Must I always tell you my whereabouts now?”

Topher: Yes, actually. You need to alert me when you go out in public, the courts said so when I got the restraining order against you.

He seemed flustered. I didn’t look at him as I finished my question.

SC276: I wish I wasn’t looking at this fic.

Neo: Wow I feel like Ice Star would be an amazing douchebag character if he wasn’t so poorly written. Like the rest of the story.

RJ: Ice got distracted by something shiny.

Crazy56U: “Oh, hey, a thing!”

“No...of course not...but…” He said concerned.

RJ: [Reaper] “But how will I be able to collect your used gum for my shrine to you, Ice-sempai?”

I let out a sigh as he said that.

NaturalGlitch: “The scent of his mane always relaxes me.”

It was then I noticed a girl behind him. She was wearing a coat so I couldn’t see what she looked like.

SC276: But he could tell she was a girl because… I dunno, smell or something.

Crazy56U: Well, he is a vampire; maybe he has some gender-identification power or something.

Topher: Or maybe coats don’t cover a person’s face, and mares have a very distinctive head shape.

SC276: Two words: pony hoodies.

Topher: That sounds absolutely adorable….

NaturalGlitch: “All I could see was her snout popping out of the hood. I guess she hasn’t figured out how the hood straps work.”

He let out a sigh just as I stopped looking at her.

NaturalGlitch: “Whoo! Check out these ants down here! They’re really fighting over the candy!”

“...You are such a slow creature. ...No, creature is too kind. Something even lower then that...

NaturalGlitch: “You’re actually a mannequin I dressed up as my friend because I am so very lonely.”

Barely even a form of life.” I said annoyed.

Neo: Good lord, this guy is so edgy I think I got a paper-cut just reading his dialogue.

SC276: Takes one to know one!

Crazy56U: ...all I’m getting out of this is that Ice Star sort-of called Reaper retarded.

NaturalGlitch: I bet if Trixie was the main character here, this story would have over 1000 upvotes after its feature on ED. Because heaven forbid if Trixie grows as a character, right Sethisto?

“What the hell, Blood-sucker?!” He yelled.

SC276: I love how he’s consistently using the nickname in public that by should all means turn heads.

Crazy56U: Please, ponies have become conditioned to racism. Just look at how Zecora was treated in her first episode.

NaturalGlitch: I always assumed it was because she lived in the Everfree Forest and all the rumors surrounding the place is what they were scared of.

Topher: Or maybe they think that that’s his real name, and his special talent is giving blood.

“You see? You yell back so quickly.

NaturalGlitch: It’s the side effect of being around someone so smug they think their feces smells better than anyone elses.

They say the weaker the pony, the more it will yell,

RJ: And the sooner it gets it’s own show on Fox News.

Crazy56U: And thus, the secret origin of the O’Reilly Report.

But even that could not account for the noise you make. Wouldn’t you agree?” I asked calmly.

SC276: And now I’m reminded of one of my own OCs who is also a smug asshole. And since I came up with him back in 2005, you are officially trying to get in on my shtick. Quit getting in on my shtick.

“What the hell?!

NaturalGlitch: Is that West or East of Tartarus?

...Although you seem to be in rare form today.” He said.

SC276: [Reaver] “You’ve been in sunlight for five minutes and you’ve lost only a little bit of skin.”

Crazy56U: Given the story so far, I think Ice Star is more of a “Twilight”-vampire. Meaning he’s a walking disco ball right now.

I ignored his response and it was then I decided to ask,

“...And? Who is she?”

NaturalGlitch: [Scarlet] “How did you spot me? I’m in full ninja mode!” [Reaper] “While wearing a hot pink hoodie?”

“Huh? What do you mean who’s...” He said abruptly.

It was then he looked down at the girl.

SC276: Wait, I thought they were in a store, not up in a balcony.

Crazy56U: What, you’ve never seen a general store with a balcony before?

SC276: Not with public access.

She sits in front of him, eating some flowers.

Crazy56U: Hey, she didn’t pay for those flowers! SOMEONE CALL SECURITY!

NaturalGlitch: Has anyone noticed we’ve never actually seen the MLPs eat grass? I know they mentioned eating hay, but I’ve never seen it.

My eyes thin to menacing slits.

SC276: Oooh, look out, guys, we got a menacing over here!

NaturalGlitch: “Not the pupil, mind you, but my entire eye. Ouchies.”

It was then I noticed she seemed rather young which brought about my own curiously: What was he doing with this young filly?

SC276: Well my first guess is hitting on her.

Neo: Illegal things. Unspeakable illegal things.

Crazy56U: My guess is that the filly’s his drug dealer.

NaturalGlitch: [Reaper] “My mom wouldn’t let me out of the house if I didn’t bring my little sister. OK? Yeesh.”

“Um... It’s Kelly...uh… I mean now, she’s...”

“It’s Scarlet.” She said Intrupping him.

SC276: Wait wait, I got this. Um… “Intrupping” is the action of failing to trupp, where trupping is… driving a big rig upside down, directly above the road. It takes mad skillz. Intrupping, therefore, usually results in a lot of messy crashes and/or big rigs sent into outer space.

Waterpear: Actually, intrupping is to trupping as inflammable is to flammable.

Crazy56U: Or, and hear me out, this is a bold idea here… the Author couldn’t be bothered to spell “interrupting” properly...

NaturalGlitch: What?! That’s crazy talk, you heretic!

Crazy56U: (dead-eyed glare) No comment. (begins drinking Diet Coke)

“Oh? I see. Then you are a pedophile after all.” I said with a cold tone.

Waterpear: Yeah, I’d like to see the moon logic that lead to this conclusion.

SC276: I’d like to see logic, period.

Crazy56U: (spits out Diet Coke) Holy fuck, plot twist!

His eyes open surprised at what I said.

NaturalGlitch: Turns out she’s the decoy and Reaper is that universe’s Chris Hanson.

“WHOA! Where the hell did that come from?!” He yelled.

Neo: [Ice Star] “I don’t know, it surely can’t have anything to do with the fact that you have a young filly with a name that sounds suspiciously like a prostitute’s at level with your crotch.”

SC276: That’s what we’d like to know!

Crazy56U: (wipes mouth clean) As does the Diet Coke I just wasted!

I smiled but not to where he could notice.

SC276: So, up his ass.

Crazy56U: Where this story belongs.

Topher: “I kept this uncomfortable hunk of writing up my ass for two years.”

“I’m sorry, but when I see a spade- or in this case, a pedophile—I call it such.

SC276: What do you call clubs, hearts, and diamonds then?

Neo: A flush. Maybe. I don’t play poker.

Crazy56U: (slams down some cards) Go fish!

NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star] “Does she have… hmmm… little sister’s you could introduce me to?”

Oh! Perhaps you don’t know what that word means. A pedophile , you see, is a man who likes-“

“You suck!” Scarlet said interrupting me.

Neo: [Ice Star] “Yes, exactly my point. Thank you for clarifying.”

SC276: If they’re in a store, why haven’t they been kicked out yet?

Crazy56U: Because the store security’s heads exploded from the sudden tonal shift.

Topher: Aw, and they were only two days from retirement.

“Scarlet, that was totally uncalled f-“ Said a random voice.

NaturalGlitch: What? He’s a vampony; he actually does suck.

“Hey, I just call them like I see them. Hehehe. Are you... JEALOUS?” She said laughing maniacally.

SC276: OK, so the story’s going to focus around smug assholes. Great.

Crazy56U: Holy crap, this IS about 1% guys!

I just looked at her but not an ounce of anger came from me. I wasn’t affected by this nor did I care.

SC276: [Ice Star] “I have the strangest boner right now, wot wot.”

Crazy56U: [Reaper] “Okay, seriously, why do you keep doing that? Are you trying to cough up a loogie?”

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Are you guys going to buy something?!”

It seems Reaper could not help but notice the expression that creeped across my delicate features.

RJ: [Ice] (´･ω･`)

He thinks that he was going to see some blood but rest assured that was not going to be the case.

SC276: He was, however, correct about being able to see tense changes.

Topher: There was certainly blood flowing, but Ice Star wasn’t bleeding, and it flowed to a very specific part of his body.

It was then an idea came to mind.

NaturalGlitch: Poor thought; it’s going to die all alone in there.

“Ah, yes! Reaper. I have a present for you.” I said smiling.

Huh? A present?!” He asked confused.

SC276: [Ice Star] “It’s the opening quotation mark that I stole from you last year, wot wot.” [Reaper] “Gee, thanks.”

Neo: [Ice Star] “...*Sigh* And more underage prostitutes.” [Reaper] “YAY!”

Crazy56U: Yep, go over to that table there. Chris Hanson just baked you some cookies!

Topher: Oh, no! I’m not falling for that again! I KNOW THOSE COOKIES ARE OATMEAL RAISIN!

“If you would be so kind as to close your eyes for a moment...” I said kindly.

“Hell no! Celestia knows what you’re going to do!

NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “I, um, have no idea who he is or what’s going on. I’ll just attend to the giant fire-breathing platypus attacking Canterlot.”

And besides... anything from you probably wouldn’t be worth having...” He said coldly.

“Well I never! Hah!” I said with a smirk.

SC276: [Ice Star] “You degenerate rapscallion, wot wot! I challenge you to a duel!”

With a graceful chop of my hoof, I rushed behind him and strike the back of his neck.

Crazy56U: The present is murder!

NaturalGlitch: He chopped his hoof and that caused him to appear behind Reaper?

His eye’s roll back in his head, and consciousness leaves him.

Crazy56U: RIP Reaper. ...funny, that...

Topher: You know, at first I thought Reaper was kind of intimidating, but now I don’t fear him.

I look down at him and said,

“I’m rather bored, Reaper. I believe I’ll play with you a little to pass the time.”

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Seriously, buy something or leave!”

I twirl away from the slumbering fool and leaps atop the table. The filly (Or rather Scarlet) laughed hysterically.

RingmasterJ5: She was laughing to hide the terror that this mare she’s never met before just knocked out the guy she was talking to in order to “play with him”, in a way that can only lead to terrible things that will give her nightmares for years to come.

SC276: In a public place, no less, given Scarlet was talking to someone else ten seconds ago. The reason there’s not enough setting detail is probably so the author could write his characters out of having to take responsibility for anything.

Neo: God, who is the real sexual deviant in all this? I think it might be all of them.

Crazy56U: (pulls out can of bear mace)

I draw a pair of elegant spectacles from the folds of my bag and place them on Reaper.

NaturalGlitch: “I put them on his rump to give me an excuse to [REDACTED].”

My grin is one of satisfaction. It is not pleasant.

SC276: Reading this story is not what’s pleasant.

Crazy56U: Why aren’t the sunglasses pleasant? Are they douchey looking?

NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star] “These glasses totally don’t compliment your strong, chiseled chin! Take that!”

“Moonshadow!” I called.

Waterpear: My OC named “Moonstorm Shadowblaze” was supposed to be a joke, dammit.

He teleported behind me.

Crazy56U: And then Electrical Beast begins sobbing and applauding.

NaturalGlitch: ...how did he teleport? Did he have some kind of special belt on or something?

“I am here, madam.” He answered.

SC276: Wait, the narrator’s a girl? That would’ve been nice to know before now.

Neo: Same, which is why subtext is your friend. Use it, author.

Crazy56U: Really, though, let’s be honest here, the narrator could’ve been a trashcan, and it wouldn’t have mattered...

NaturalGlitch: Wait—Ice Star is a mare? I-I mean, um, I totally knew that.

“Explain to him, as you would to a child.” I requested.

SC276: So, not the way this fic is written. ...Also, isn’t he unconscious?

Crazy56U: She hit him in the neck, I’m pretty sure he’s dead.

Well before he starts explaining I may as well explain who he is as well.

NaturalGlitch: You’re the one writing this. Why would this dude—my brain is on fire.

He is my butler and he usually acts in a sophisticated and gentlemanly manner.

SC276: But off the clock, he’s a wild party stallion.

Crazy56U: “Let’s get the party going on in this party wagon! (opens a can of beer)”

Judging from comments frequently dropped by me. He follows my orders whenever I ask.

NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star, pouting] “Tell me that my fangs don’t make my face too big.” [Moonshadow] “They really don’t.” [Ice Star, prancing] “EEEeeee-hehehehehe!~”

When we meet is none of your business.

Sven: But where they meet is an excellent investment opportunity!

Topher: Location is everything! I’ve got plans to open a frozen yogurt/eldritch artifact shop there!

Oh well enough talk about me back to what he is going to say.

Waterpear: Thank you, Ice Star, for explaining to us as you would to a child.

Crazy56U: I’m not sure why, but I feel like we’ve been insulted…

SC276: This mare has no idea how to handle children.

“But of course, milady.

NaturalGlitch: “—he said, tipping his fedora.”

I don’t wish to appear arrogant, or presumptuous,

SC276: Too late.

but please allow me to explain.

NaturalGlitch: OK, buckle up, folks; it’s time for exposition...

The item that Madam Ice Star has placed upon the insect Reaper are the legendary or if you want, GOL

SC276: Author, I think you forgot to include the actual full name of the plot device.

Crazy56U: Did we enter a different story or something, what is happening?

and a powerful magical item they are indeed. Their effect will spread quickly thought out all of Equestria,

NaturalGlitch: It’s sure a good thing he’s explaining this in the middle of a store right next to Scarlet.

and soon, no matter where Reaper may try to hide, The power of the Glasses Of Love will exert their power over others. Everypony, even those who hated him, will come to love him.

Crazy56U: [Reaper] “(sporting Muscle Arms) Now I’m a jerk, and everypony loves me!”

Topher: IRON WILL APPROVES OF THIS COMMENT!

That... is the dreadful power of the Glasses Of Love.

SC276: Um, unless the guy’s a goth, that’s not really all that dreadful.

Crazy56U: (cough)

Waterpear: But it is! Everyone in this story’s universe is a yandere. Everyone.

RingmasterJ5: ...Honestly, I see potential for a really good Changeling fic with this idea. Something like that would be one of the most coveted items in their culture.

SC276: Hmm...

NaturalGlitch: Let me guess—he can’t take them off or some bullshit like that, right?

The Power Of Love were crafted so perfectly,

RingmasterJ5: Eh, it’s nice, but if we’re talking Huey Lewis hits I still prefer Back in Time.

Crazy56U: Hip to Be Square is more my jam, what with its claustrophobic music video and tendency to get people named Paul killed…

Sven: The line ♫ Make a one man weep ♫ seems rather fitting.

In times of yore, that the pony wearing them will not even feel their presence and will never know that they have become the bearer of such a powerful artifact. ” He said calmly.

Waterpear: You see that paragraph? It was addressed to an unconscious person. Such brilliant writing.

Neo: What I would have liked a paragraph about is the question of why? Why give him the glasses, what purpose did any of this serve?

SC276: Better question: how do you not notice you are wearing a pair of glasses?

Crazy56U: (begins poking Reaper with a stick) Uh, guys, seriously, I think he’s dead…

Topher: Aw, and he was only two days from retirement!

Naturalglitch: What—does Reaper not own a mirror or something?

“Very nicely said.” I said praising him.

Crazy56U: LIES

“You are to kind, madam.” He said.

NaturalGlitch: [Moonshadow] “Why couldn’t you say this to him while he wasn’t knocked out?”

“With a deep bow, he teleported out into the darkness.

SC276: So, it’s nighttime? Quit assuming we can read your mind, author!

Crazy56U: Okay, unless Moonshadow is capable of warping time and space, I HIGHLY doubt that bit of confusing expositing took several hours...

I stomped my hoof once and the fool jolts back to consciousness. He gasped as he came to.

SC276: These are not vampire powers. These are like demigod powers. Or Discord powers. I’m not engaged, I’m just confused and angry.

Crazy56U: ...okay, no, you can’t change my mind; Reaper was, in fact, dead. Ice Star just brought him back to life. Necromancy is now canon in this story.

“Wh-what just happened? Did I get hit by a cart or something…?” He said struggling with words.

SC276: No, but you’ll wish you had in a minute.

Crazy56U: [Reaper] “Why do I feel like I’ve been dead for several hours?”

NaturalGlitch: “This is the part where I forgot the glasses also work on me. Was Reaper always this handsome—DANG IT! Why did I think this was a good idea?!”

I giggled and responded,

“Why, whatever do you mean, Reaper? What foolishness.”

Crazy56U: [Ice Star] “NOIDIDNTPUNCHYOUINTHEHEADANDKILLYOU!”

[Reaper] “...whaaa-”

[Ice Star] “NO, YOU’RE A NECROMANCER!”

It was then Scarlet looked down but he didn’t seem to notice at first.

NaturalGlitch: [Scarlet] “It sure is a good thing I have these really loud headphones on and didn’t hear a word of what that guy said.”

“Yeah. I guess you’re right... Huh? Scarlet, what’s up with you? Why are you looking down?

Neo: Because it’s time for your blowjob and I’ve been waiting for an hour looking around this crummy store with you. Just give me my twenty dollars and lets get this over with already. I have be back home before dinner.

Crazy56U: ...whelp, time to cleanse my eyes. (uses bear mace on self)

“Oh? It seems that her heart is racing.” Said the random voice.

Crazy56U: [insert Mario Kart joke]

I didn’t notice before but I just realized where it was coming from. It was from Scarlet but it wasn’t her. I shrugged it off as I was having too much fun messing with him.

Neo: Cause… that makes sense… right?

Crazy56U: … (maces self again) … ...nope, still doesn’t make sense. Also, ow.

NaturalGlitch: I think that sentence is rotting my brain.

“Your face is bright red. Did you eat something funny?” He asked abit concerned.

SC276: Maybe she’s read the fic.

Crazy56U: No, if that were the case, it’d be purple from lack of oxygen to the brain. Bad stories do that to people.

NaturalGlitch: It also happens to the one writing this as well.

“Sh-Shut up, dumbass! I’m...not… red!” She said looking down.

SC276: Tsun tsun, dere dere, b-b-baka.

Crazy56U: Yeah, she’s not red! She’s vermillion, bitch! CHECK YOURSELF!

“Well suit yourself. If you’re running a fever or have a stomachache, just stay the hell away from me. I don’t want to catch anything you have.” He said smiling.

NaturalGlitch: Are the characters all wearing blinders with built-in earphones or something?

“What?! How can you be so insensitive, you jackass?

SC276: OK, yeah, uh, point there. If your first reaction to a girl being sick is “stay away from me,” like fucking hell you’re going to get laid after that.

Crazy56U: (pulls out snare drum) Wait, I thought he was a pony, when did he become a donkey? (ba-dum-tss)

Saying mean things like that to me! You’re so mean, Reaper! You suck! WHAAAAA!” She yelled staring to crying.

Neo: Wow, she really has a long way to go to becoming a Pro Staring Contest Player.

Crazy56U: (picks up box of tissues) Uh… … ...here?

Her eyes suddenly began to fill with tears.

SC276: Open the drains, we’re having a flood!

Crazy56U: I only have so many tissues, damn it!

“Whoa, Hold on a sec! What’s with all the crying?” He asked shocked.

NaturalGlitch: [Scarlet] “A bug flew in my gigantic but adorable eyes! Ouchie-poo!”

“Oh! Oh! You made her CRY, you cruel man ,you!” I said jokingly.

Neo: Again they use the word Man, despite using the phrase everypony before. Which is it Author?

Waterpear: Look, this has nothing to do with MLP except for things like coat colors and the word “hoof”, so the author might as well admit that these are just humans.

Crazy56U: Okay, I’m legitimately confused, is Reaper still a pedophile or did that no longer happen? ...also, what the fuck did I just type just now?

“Me?” He said shocked.

She continued to cry as I said that.

“Hey, Kyle! What you waiting for? Do something!” He demanded.

NaturalGlitch: Yeah! Someone do something! ...wait—who’s Kyle?

“Umm...I don’t think there’s anything I can do.” He responded.

Crazy56U: [Kyle] “Uh… I-I’m not even sure I’m supposed to be in this story. I-I don’t even know where I am…”

Oh I see now. That explains why I heard two voices in one body. She has another soul in her body. Interesting... anyways back to what’s going on.

SC276: [Ice Star] “We can’t have anything possibly interesting in this story, wot wot. I’m not done telling you how much of an ass I am!”

Crazy56U: I think it’s for the best we don’t get any explanation; it would wind up making things stupider.

NaturalGlitch: PFFFFT-AHAHAHAHHAHA! I love how nonchalant she is about that.

“Why are you asking like this is none of your business?!” He demanded.

“Because... Well, you know... It’s not, really...”

“It’s your fault Reaper! You said mean things...! I hate you Reaper! I HATE YOU! I...I…I LOVE YOU!”

Neo: [Reaper] “Wow, I must be better at sex than I thought… we did have sex while I was unconscious, right?”

Crazy56U: (starts cradling bear mace can) God, I hope not.

Topher: Has anyone ever told you you might have a bear mace problem? Because I doubt anyone has said that. To anyone. Ever.

NaturalGlitch: Can you spray some in my eyes? The pain will make me forget this story is a thing.

She yelled.

“WHAAAAT?! W-Where the hell did THAT come from?!” He yelled surprised.

Waterpear: This is how I’ve reacted to basically every plot event so far.

Crazy56U: A very reasonable and accepted reaction to random actions.

“Wow! Now I’m embareassed...” Kyle said looking down.

SC276: Which one is Kyle again?!

Crazy56U: That one. Duh.

NaturalGlitch: <Pupils dilate while he foams out the mouth, speaking in tongues.>

I laughed and said,

“Oh how delightful! They’re working PERFECTLY! None can resist the almighty power of the Glasses Of Love”

Crazy56U: So, wait, are you the bad guy now? I’m more lost than Kyle right now…

Topher: [Reaper] Wait, what’s going on? hang on, let me get these sunglasses off, I can’t see shit. *removes sunglasses*

[Ice Star] NOOOOOOO! MY PERFECTLY PLANNED SCHEME!

NaturalGlitch: ...how are the glasses not working on her? Unless...she’s already in love with Reaper! Dun dun du~un!

“Reaper! I Loves yoooou!” She said jumping on him.

Crazy56U: (chokes back puke)

Topher:...ok, gimme that bear mace.

NaturalGlitch: “Unfortunately for Reaper, Scarlet only knows how to show affection through backyard wrestling.”

“Gah! Stop! Don’t touch me!” He said trying to get her off.

Neo: [Reaper] “I need a few minutes to reload!”

Crazy56U: Great. He’s a germaphobe too...

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Hello! Anyone?! Can you all please leave?!”

Just then I got another idea just to spice things up.

SC276: Just what we need when we already can’t tell what we’re reading: more chaos.

Crazy56U: Oh, for the love of God, we don’t need to drag Discord into this, Author. He has better things to do…

“You, child. Do you truly love Reaper that much?” I asked.

NaturalGlitch: [Scarlet] “I cut him up to little pieces so I can carry him everywhere I go!”

“Yes! A thousand times, YES!” She yelled still jumping on him.

Neo: And in the process repeatedly pulverizing his kidney.

Crazy56U: And so, Reaper is killed again. We already have a Kyle, why not have a Kenny?

“Oh dear. That won’t do at all.” I told her.

“Why?!” She demanded.

Crazy56U: [Ice Star] Because love is a myth!

Topher: ♬What’s love but a secondhand emotion?♬

“Why, Because He is simply head-over-heels in love with me, of course!” I told her.

NaturalGlitch: Reaper must’ve lost a ton of braincells if he does. Stop knocking him unconscious all the time, lady.

It was a lie but it was a funny lie.

Waterpear: “He’s not actually in love with me. Bazinga.”

SC276: And therefore it is perfectly OK.

Crazy56U: I think you need to look up the definition of “funny”...

“WHAT?! Is that true?” She asked shocked.

“NO! And in case you missed it the first time, HELL NO! You twisted, evil, blood sucking Vampony!

NaturalGlitch: [Scarlet] “I am not a vampony!”

What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” He yelled.

SC276: My first guess is fucking with you because she’s a dick.

Crazy56U: She’s a sociopath. She’s doing whatever entertains her with no respect for others in any way, shape or form. Or, in other words, stop asking stupid questions, Reaper...

“Oh come now, Reaper! No need to be shy. Just admit that you are my devoted servant!” I said joking.

NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star] “Well, only half joking. ...or maybe a third. OK, so I do like you, but you never paid any attention to me, so now you’re going to pay!”

“Who are you calling a servant?!” He yelled.

SC276: “I’m not your friend, buddy!”

Neo: “I’m not your buddy, Pal!...Though if you want to hang out sometime, you know that would be cool. I mean, it’s only if you want to, you know?”

Crazy56U: Will the racism never cease?!

It was then I heard a voice by the entrance of the store. I looked back and saw three mares. As they entered one of them said,

“Rearper!”

Waterpear: Not to be confused with Reaper, Reapear, or Raeper.

Crazy56U: Or Rumpelstiltskin.

“Is Reaper here?!”

NaturalGlitch: “I listened to the song Don’t Fear The Reaper and I wanted to meet him!”

“Reaper is here, isn’t he?”

SC276: Who wants to know?

Crazy56U: Nobody here but us chickens.

I knew them well. One of them had a black mane with a light blue coat. She is an earth pony who owns a clinic nearby here and is a nurse. Her name is Fluffy Fire

Waterpear: Her name is Fluffy Fire. Did her parents give her that, or did she pick it herself?

Neo: Nah, that’s just her street name.

Crazy56U: In that case, why hasn’t she been shanked over it yet?

NaturalGlitch: Awww!~♥ I bet she’s a giant fluffy hugging teddy bear~♥ ...what?!

but for not wasting time we will just call her Fluffy.

SC276: She’s so FLUFFY!!

NaturalGlitch: So fluffy that I’m going to die!

The other one name is Sapphire. She has a pink mane with a white coat.

Waterpear: Neither of those colors have anything to do with sapphires.

Crazy56U: She’s called that because she has a crippling gemstone addiction.

Topher: *pulls out cigar and false mustache* Now that’s what I call a hard drug.

She doesn’t live close here but from my guess she was also drawn in by the Glasses Of Love.

SC276: I love how that’s what you say instead of where she’s actually from. There is like no setting description whatsoever.

Crazy56U: That’s not true! ...I mean… We’re apparently still in the store…

Topher: Oh, man! If I had a dollar for every time I went to the store and ended up forcing a cursed artifact onto the town pedophile, I’d have $87.63!

She loves to create and build machines.

NaturalGlitch: [Sapphire] “And here I was about to build a love machine when Reaper was right here~”

She Is a unicorn as well. Lastly we have Aqua Lilly but to make it easier, just call her Lilly.

Sven: Yes, because those four extra letters make life oh so difficult.

Crazy56U: Well, it was either shortening the name, or getting sued by the makers of Aqua Velva...

She is a Pegasus who is the weakest of the group.

NaturalGlitch: Wha-huh? How could you know all this or any of these ponies anyway?

She has a dark blue mane with a light green coat. She tends to be the shy one but can assertive if she needs to be.

Neo: I said it once, and I’ll probably say it a bunch more times. SUBTEXT!

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, Lilly is Bootleg Fluttershy.

Well now that I have explained everything, I won’t have to wait for questions.

SC276: It’s a fanfic, author. A static medium. You don’t get feedback.

Crazy56U: And even if you do get it, I doubt you’d want the kind of feedback you would receive.

I hope that you can maintain the info I gave you though your sad mind because I really don’t want to have to explain it again.

SC276: That would require you to explain it a first time.

RJ: Maybe he’s talking to himself.

Crazy56U: You must be a delight at parties...

NaturalGlitch: Are we seriously getting talked down to by some pseudo intellectual superior?

Now back to what happen.

SC276: [Ice Star] “Someone set us up the bomb.”

Crazy56U: “I have to move fast, and bullets too slow!”

As they walked over where we are I just looked and said,

“My goodness, what an interesting collection of visitors.”

Waterpear: “Zany” one-dimensional characters. Interesting. Pick one.

NaturalGlitch: Maybe they're literally cardboard cutouts with speakers?

“There he is! Reaper’s over there!” Fluffy yelled point at him.

NaturalGlitch: [Fluffy] “It’s power cuddles time!”

“You son of a bitch! You know how hard it was to find you?!” Sapphire yelled angrily.

Sven: Nothing says “I love you” quite like insulting someone’s mother.

Crazy56U: “YOUR MOM SUCKS! Wanna go out tonight? (toothy grin)”

Topher: OH, TAKE ME NOW! *shudders* sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

Crazy56U: (scoots several inches away)

“Just stay right there, Reaper!” Lilly said calmly.

“Wait a minute? What’s going on?!” He asked confused.

SC276: That’s what we’d like to know!

Crazy56U: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

“Don’t worry, Reaper. Everything will be all right. Just drink this “Philter of Unwavering Passion”! Be sure to drink it all at once!” Fluffy told him as she grabbed a bottle.

Waterpear: Oh cool, this totally isn’t an attempted rape or anything.

Neo: [Reaper] “Hey now come on, let’s not turn me soliciting sex from a minor into something ugly.”

SC276: Those glasses are basically a reverse love potion anyway.

Crazy56U: Yep, just drink random crap that is given to you, THAT ends well...

NaturalGlitch: Is anyone else tasting their organs? Mine taste like Hoagies.

She pressed it to Reaper’s mouth and as she did Lilly bit her wing and threw her what was once a part of her wing at the bottle.

Waterpear: Yes, she has boomerang wings. Forget the pedophile “joke” up there; I’d like to see the moon logic behind this plot.

Crazy56U: I think finding out the “logic” behind this story would be akin to staring into the Ark of the Covenant...

NaturalGlitch: ...is she going to accidentally make a love poison for Reaper or some shit?

“All right!” She yelled timely.

Waterpear: “Far out, man!” she yelled spacely.

Fluffy didn’t like that

SC276: We don’t either.

Crazy56U: Yep, she didn’t like it… she loved it!

so she turned her attention to Lilly and yelled,

“What do you think you’re doing, Lilly?!

SC276: Half the dialogue in this fic is someone asking someone else “What the fucking hell?!”

Topher: hey, you’re right! What the hell?

NaturalGlitch: This is what happens when you let the locust that fly out of your mouth write for you, author.

You just blasted my special medicine across the room!”

Sven: [Fluffy Fire] “Do you have any idea how much rohypnol costs?!”

Topher: [Fluffy Fire] “Now the voices won’t go away!”

Crazy56U: [Fluffy Fire] “That was my seizure medication, you prick!!!”

“I was going to ask you the same question, Miss Fluffy!

NaturalGlitch: I am imagining Fluffy with a giant teddy bear cutie mark, and no one is going to stop me.

How dare you make him such a shameless potion!” She said asserting herself.

SC276: And with the stupidest name too. Redundant as well; “philter” actually literally means a love potion or charm.

Topher: ...I actually didn’t know that. I LEARNED SOMETHING NEW THIS YEAR!

“You’re still very much a child, Lilly! Sometimes love requires that one use a bit of... persuasion... to make him bloom.” She said with a smirk.

Neo: [Reaper] “Uhh, if ‘Bloom’ means what I think it means I’m still going to need a few minutes here.”

NaturalGlitch: Hopefully, they just mean they’re going to use his body as fertilizer.

“L-Love?” Lilly asked blushing.

“Do I need to draw you a picture? I love Reaper!” She shouted.

Neo: [Lilly] “No, but I would like it if you wrote me a five page essay about it. Include a bibliography page and cite your sources in APA format.”

Topher: [Fluffy] I can double space it, right?

Crazy56U: Look, if your pictures are of the quality I think they are, just dump them on Deviantart where they belong. ...that or Derpibooru.

Neo: This story is about what I would expect to find on Deviantart.

Just then I heard a loud voice yell,

“WHAT DID YOU SAAAAAAAAAY?!”

SC276: And suddenly we’re in an anime now! AUGH.

Crazy56U: Here’s what I say.

I couldn’t tell where it came from but it didn’t seem to be very far considering that it sounded very close.

Neo: ‘It didn’t sound very far away considering it sounded very close’. This fucking story.

RJ: This story was cleared by the Department of Redundancy Department, which cleared this story.

I shrugged it off as did the other girls

NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star] “...I need better hobbies.”

and as that ended, Sapphire asked,

“Huh? Did you hear that? Outside? It sounded like millions of voices cried out in anguish, and were suddenly silenced.”

Waterpear: I’m not even a Star Wars fan, and I’m offended by this tacky reference.

Crazy56U: I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody!

“No. You’re probably just hearing things.” Fluffy said shaking her head.

NaturalGlitch: [Fluffy] “Or I wouldn’t be if somepony didn’t toss my meds!”

“B-But...! No matter how much you love somepony, you can’t just drug them!” Lilly said blushing.

Neo: Oh I beg to differ. Non-Consensual Drugging is my primary strategy in getting people to love me.

SC276: ...That explains a lot.

Crazy56U: (quietly begins dialing 911)

“Yes, of course. Medicine is completely off-limits! Terribly unfair. Here Reaper. Eat this candy. It’ll refresh your... uh... mouth.” Sapphire said looking in her bag.

Waterpear: Holy shit. This story contains something resembling an actual joke.

SC276: I never liked mint…

Crazy56U: Um… That “candy” looks suspiciously like a bunch of rusty nails…

RingmasterJ5: Still better than what The Catch used them for.

Crazy56U: … ...do I want to know the context?

SC276: Depends. How much do you want to deal with an author not knowing about guns writing about guns?

Topher: Fallen is going to have a field day, isn’t he?

NaturalGlitch: ...OK, how do these ponies just HAVE this stuff on them?

As she looked in her bag, she grabbed the piece of candy.

NaturalGlitch: [Reaper] “What’s with the skull and crossbones on the wrapper?”

She gave it Reaper and he examined it.

“Oh...Thanks...” He said hesitating to eat it.

Neo: Yeah, eat suspicious candy from the person who tried to drug you a few minutes ago. Great idea.

SC276: Actually, I think this is a different mare. Though I don’t blame you for mixing them up, they’ve all got the same personality.

Crazy56U: C’mon, you big baby, what’s the worst thing that can happen?!

Topher: Well, normally when I catch one, I take her to my basement and-[THE FOLLOWING DESCRIPTION HAS BEEN CENSORED; YOU’RE WELCOME]-with a durian fruit, two clothes pins, and a hadron collider!

Neo: More like a...’Hard On Collider’ AMIRITE? HAHAHAHAHhahahah...haha..ha...fuck you it’s funny.

Topher: I’ve got one of those, too.

As he was about to eat it, Fluffy bucked the candy out of his hand.

NaturalGlitch: Um... His hand? Oh, no...

As she did, Reaper got it in the stomach. He laided there holding his stomach in pain.

SC276: YOU WERE DOING... Actually no, you weren’t really doing so well.

Crazy56U: ...getting killed again. ...that’s what could happen..

Topher: Alright, someone help me get him in my van before he comes to.

“Oh my. An impressive strike. It seems the candy has been shattered. A shame.” I said still looking at the broken candy.

SC276: And you continue to remain the least interesting character in this fic.

Crazy56U: What do you have against candy, you ass?

Sapphire was disappointed that her plan was stopped.

Sven: [Sapphire] “I spent a whole three seconds on that!”

Crazy56U: Huh… that’s 2 seconds more than what I would’ve guessed...

I smiled a little as she did. Fluffy looked back at her and said,

NaturalGlitch: [Fluffy] “I shaved my hair and mane to make you this nice sweater! Sheesh it is ever cold in here.”

“Professor, it seems that I can’t stop watching you for even a second...”

Waterpear: I ship Fluffy x Sapphire. OTP.

Crazy56U: No-TP.

Just then Reaper got up still in pain and asked,

“Will SOMEPONY please tell me what’s going on?”

Neo: Get in line man, we were all here waiting for that answer long before you were.

SC276: That’s what we’d like to know! For the third goddamn time tonight!

Crazy56U: Wait, is it night still, or is it day now, I don’t know where we are in time anymore...

Fluffy turned her attention to Reaper and said,

“Reaper, the candy the professor just offered you contained a very, very, VERY powerful sleeping pill.”

SC276: Well that's one way of administering a date-rape drug.

Crazy56U: It’s called “cyanide”.

NaturalGlitch: ...how do you know this? What—why—when?!

He looked at Sapphire with a shocked look on his face. I thought that I heard a sound but nothing was there so I turned my eyes back to what was going on.

NaturalGlitch: Lava making a beeline towards an orphanage is more subtle than this fic.

“You can’t be serious?!” He said angrily.

Sven: This guy asks more questions than Inquerius.

RingmasterJ5: Hey, save those really obscure references for next week when they’ll suddenly be sort of relevant again.

Crazy56U: (war flashbacks intensify) ...the horror… ...the horror...

She chuckled as he said that.

SC276: She was a supervillain all this time!

Crazy56U: (holds up a boombox)

She turned her attention to the both of them and said,

“You saw right though me, Fluffy you fox. Yeah, that’s right. I put a sleeping pill in there. Oh, not just any sleeping pill! This shit would knock even Sombra out! It’s ah, Quite strong.

Neo: Again, why is anybody surprised by any of this. This is literally the expected result from taking candy from the person who tried to drug you.

NaturalGlitch: This is what happens when you write whatever your brain pees out.

Reaper steeped back.

SC276: He ran a steeplechase backwards?

Sven: That’s actually kinda impressive.

Crazy56U: (holds up a “10” card)

“You got to be kidding me?!” He said surprised.

“Miss Sapphire. What were you going to do to Mr. Reaper after you put him to sleep?” Lilly asked concerned.

Neo: Oh don’t act like you don’t know. I saw you eyeing his secret stash of jawbreakers.

What she says next may harm your brain

SC276: The fic is already doing that.

Crazy56U: (begins frying an egg; looks up) I’m sorry, what? I wasn’t paying attention...

so I’ll dumb it down so it will be easier though some words will be blanked out so it doesn’t become offensive.

SC276: This fic is offensive to good taste already.

She first planed on taking his *ahem* plot

NaturalGlitch: Fuck you and your memes.

and pit it in some chemicals. Then she would add a few more things into the *ahem* plot. After she was done with that she would rip off his *ahem* member (I do hope I don’t have to spell it out for you) and do some thinks that fan girls would love to see plus more. I know I’m breaking the fourth wall but it’s better than hearing the gruesome words she was say. Now that I have explained that, let us turn our attention back to what happen.

Waterpear: No. Nobody wants to see this. Not even this story’s non-existent fangirls want to see Science Pony masturbating with a severed penis.

Neo: I...I don’t know whether to comment on the horrible fourth wall breaking or the really gruesome picture this story just painted. Like this was a pretty sudden dark turn, and that’s taking into account the pedophile joke from earlier.

SC276: You’ve already broken the fourth wall like fifteen times already, and you’re only apologizing now?!

Crazy56U: Pinkie and Deadpool are going to kick your ass...

“WH-WH-WHAT?! How could you stoop so low? That’s... Totally unfair.” Lilly said blushing.

“Like I care. Keep dreaming, little girl. I’m going to make Reaper MINE.” She said with a grinning smile.

Neo: Literally. Also why is she blushing? Why is she not screaming in terror at the fact that this woman is about to torture and murder a man and have sex with his severed parts?

Crazy56U: ...I think I saw that episode of the Cinema Snob...

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Did I take the wrong pills this morning or something?!”

“He’s MINE!” Fluffy yelled in protest.

“Don’t speak of him as if he’s merely an object!” Lilly yelled.

Neo: Weren’t you objectifying him too not five minutes ago?

NaturalGlitch: We all know it’s trendy nowadays to want to be objectified, like it’s a badge of honor or some shit.

Just then Scarlet jumped in. My goodness I completely forgot about her as I’m sure you did.

Neo: No, I still remember her because I have a memory that can recall things that happened ten minutes ago.

SC276: That’s because my brain is already keeping this thing from being written to my memory banks for my own sanity.

Crazy56U: (places power drill on table) Just in case, you can borrow my… “magic eraser”...

“Just shut the hell up, you skanky old hags!” She yelled.

NaturalGlitch: As opposed to young hags?

They were shocked by what they heard so I will replay what they said.

SC276: What the fuck does that even mean?!

Sven: The author is so proud of his prose he wants to show it off again!

Crazy56U: INSTANT REPLAY

Fluffy said,

“Who are you calling an old hag?!”

Waterpear: This story has breakneck pacing and I’m still bored with the plot.

Crazy56U: I got so bored, I made breakfast. (begins eating eggs)

NaturalGlitch: ...are you going to share those?

Then Sapphire yelled,

“Oh, I had better not have just heard what I think I heard!”

SC276: (bad sassy black woman accent) Oh no you didn’t!

But Lilly seemed to be the most shocked of the three.

NaturalGlitch: Why isn’t Reaper hightailing it out of there?

“Me, an old hag?!” She said almost about to cry.

SC276: Pretty sure we feel like crying ourselves.

Crazy56U: Well, I’m out of tissues, so you’re on your own.

Just then Lilly wiped the tears away and said,

“I’ve had enough! I’m going to make one thing to all of you! Reaper... is already... is already MY husband!”

SC276: DUM DUM DUUUUUUM!

Crazy56U: “Tonight on Jerry Springer.”

Reaper jumped by this and I was quite shocked by this but it didn’t faze me by much.

SC276: [Ice Star] “Because I do not treat him as anything resembling a person, wot wot.”

Crazy56U: CLEAR YOUR THROAT.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” He yelled surprised.

Neo: Okay, now why is he having no reaction to the fact a woman wants to butcher him and make love to his severed limbs? He is literally the person who should be freaking out the most right now.

Topher: Man, if I had a dollar for every time a woman has tried to butcher me and have sex with my amputated dick, all while on a routine trip to the store after having an eldritch artifact forced on my face by a vampire, I’d have $11!

ChangelingLumin: I’ll have what he’s having.

I smiled and said,

NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star] “This is some fever dream! I-I mean—”

“How dare you, Reaper! You could have me as your wife! Why?!”

SC276: Who would even want to be married to you?! You’re a dick! Why hasn’t Reaver come at you with a stake yet?!

Crazy56U: Better question: why hasn’t literally anyone so far come at her with a stake?

He turned his attention to me and yelled,

“YOU, stay out of this! You’re just making things worse!”

Waterpear: Every character is conspiring to make this story worse.

Neo: Simply by existing these characters actually manage to make the story worse every second I spend reading it.

“What the hell are you blabbering about, you shivered old prune? Explain yourself!” Scarlet demanded.

NaturalGlitch: Actually, just stop.

“I took the liberty of going to city hall and filing our marriage registration!” I am now OFFICIALLY Mrs. Reaper.” She said with the file in her hoof.

SC276: Story, are you literally trying to tell me that, just because of a pair of glasses with a stupid-ass name, a mare got herself legally married to a guy without him actually being present? Before even seeing him with the glasses? Limits like that are what give a story logic and reasoning, which you are clearly allergic to in advocation of being a dick!

Crazy56U: Whoops, there it goes… (nose begins bleeding) Yep. My brain stopped. (collapses)

SC276: Is there a doctor in the fic? ...besides the mad professor there?

NaturalGlitch: [Lilly] “I am so serious that I doubled my quotation marks!”

“MARRIAGE REGISTRATION?! How the hell did you do that?!” He yelled demanding an answer.

Sapphire rolled her eyes and said,

Neo: ...When? When could you possibly have done this? He hasn’t had the glasses on for five minutes! Also doesn’t he need to give his consent for you to get married?

RJ: All I have to say is it’s actually legal in Texas.

“Yeah, OK, fine. What about the seal? There’s no way in hell you’ve got Reaper’s stamp!”

“Oh, that... Well... I had a friend in the armament division make me one...” She answered calmly.

NaturalGlitch: ...WHAT?! How?! Again—WHAT?!

“What?! Doesn’t the guards at canterlot have more import things to be doing?!” He asked annoyed.

SC276: Given what we’ve seen Canterlot guards do… not really, no.

Just as he finished that sentence, three more guests broke one of the windows.

Sven: [Ice Star] There was a door…

Crazy56U: (pops back to life) I’M UP, I’M UP!

SC276: (throws away defibrillator) Dangit, and I wanted to try using this!

Crazy56U: … (quietly picks up defibrillator) Just in case...

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Oh come on!”

I know two of them so I will tell you who they are. Her name is Dew. She doesn’t speak due to her voice box being destroyed.

SC276: Allow me to do the same to you so we can end this early.

All of her hoofs were replaced with mechanical (Sapphire is to thank for that)

Sven: For cutting off her hooves?

Crazy56U: Sapphire sold her hooves on the black market.

Topher: Pony hooves are actually great aphrodisiacs.

NaturalGlitch: Can we have a fic about Sapphire making mechanical hooves for somepony? I’d rather read that.

She’s an earth pony with a dark purple coat and a yellow mane. She is known for being aggressive when provoked but is not a threat most of the time.

Topher: So what you’re saying is… If you try to make her angry, she gets angry?

NaturalGlitch: How do you know this?! This is almost as bad as Stones to Abigail.

I believe that’s enough explaining for that one. The next one is Mythic. She was created by Sapphire and follows her orders.

SC276: So the love magnet gets the attraction of golems now.

Crazy56U: Nah, my money is on Mythic being a robot.

NaturalGlitch: At least this one would have an excuse as to why they’re written so blandly.

She is a Pegasus but instead of wings, they were replaced with sword like wings (ask her if you want to know her story).

SC276: I probably will, since it’ll be infinitely more interesting than this. Because anything is more interesting than this.

Crazy56U: Yep, no point talking about the fucking killbot! Good story! Good story!

She has a mask that covers her face but you can still see her mouth. She has a light gray armor along with her coat.

Crazy56U: Robocop. You… you just ripped off Robocop… … ....didn’t Robocop 3 and that stupid reboot do enough damage to the poor guy? Did you really have to do that?!

Her mane is also yellow. Now on to the one I don’t know.

Crazy56U: (fed up) Would you please, please, just give a SHIT ABOUT THE AUDIENCE?!

NaturalGlitch: If that was a thing, 80% of these pony fics wouldn’t exist. <tries not to cry>

She is an earth pony with a dark brown mane with a few light yellow strips. Her coat is a light brown color and she seems like a strong earth pony. Now I believe I have explained everything and I hope your small mind can hold that info.

SC276: No, because I won’t ever need any info like this in my life ever. And I’m a packrat.

Crazy56U: … (screams in rage)

NaturalGlitch: Hey, look at it this way! ...you made some really good eggs for breakfast—that counts, right?

Now back to what’s going on.

Waterpear: Oh boy, dark and edgy cyborgs! Exactly what this story doesn’t need!

Neo: SUBTEXTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! Also, again, this is a static medium, author. We can’t ask these characters anything. Write the backstory yourself and don’t be a lazy fuck.

Crazy56U: Better advice: if you can’t be bothered to actually try, don’t write the story at all.

“Oh my. It seems we can look forward to some, ah, interspacing mingling...” I said to Reaper.

SC276: [Reaver] “I don’t want to put spaces in the middle of compound words!”

Crazy56U: Good God, are you quite finished yet, ma’am?

“You’re Reaper? Wow! You’re so hot. Said the brown pony.

NaturalGlitch: “I provide my own narration, said the dripping and beautiful mare.”

“Reaper located. Intense attraction... confirmed. Expression of love... initiated.” Mythic said calmly.

Sven: [Mythic]: “Stereotypical robot voice… loaded.”

Crazy56U: Bored now. (chucks a magnet at Mythic)

Dew didn’t say anything

SC276: Obviously.

Topher: If Reaper and Dew have sex, it’ll bring a whole new meaning to “Do the Dew.”

NaturalGlitch: I guess he’d reap what he...dew? This story is making me see the bugs under my skin.

as they drew closer to Reaper. I just watched slightly annoyed that there are more ponies here.

Sven: Apparently Ice Star wants her trolling to be a more intimate affair.

Crazy56U: This is no longer trolling. It stopped being trolling AGES ago...

I didn’t feel like getting involved in the fray of these mares so I will explain what is happing step by step.

SC276: Is it ever explained why she isn’t affected by them? Because if they can work on robots/golems, which don’t even have emotions in the first place, they should work on undead.

Sven: Author Avatar/Mary Sue powers?

Crazy56U: She’s immune because the Kool Aid Man is red.

The unknown earth pony and Mythic leaped at the victim Reaper, Crushing him beneath their supple, young bodies

NaturalGlitch: I can feel the author drool on the story.

and the rest of them tried to get in the fray. He let out a muffled scream of agony.

Sven: [deadpan] No. Stop. Not to such a beloved character like Rearper.

Crazy56U: Reaper’s been killed so many times in this thing, I can’t be bothered to care anymore…

Topher: OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED REAPER! YOU BASTARDS!

“You... you... you shameless hussies! Need I remind you that Reaper is MY husband?!” Lilly said holding him.

NaturalGlitch: Why haven’t the glasses broke by now?

Dew let go of Reaper and walked over to Lilly with cold, dead eyes, she grabbed the marriage certificate and ripped it apart.

SC276: [Lilly] “Hah! That was only a copy for my records!” [Dew] *blows up City Hall*

Crazy56U: And then Dew knocks her the fuck out.

Then she slowly extends her arm in front of her. Her hoof opens dropping the shredded paper.

SC276: HOOVES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

Crazy56U: Why are you littering?!

Topher: *Police Sirens*

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “I knew setting up shop here was a mistake!”

Resting in the palm are the remnants of a slip of paper. All that is left of Lilly’s marriage certificate.

“NOOOOOOOO! My marriage registration!” She cried out.

Neo: You mean you didn’t make any copies? You mean that the office you went to didn’t make a single fucking copy to store in their records?

Delightful! So they can even affect the most emotionless of ponies!

NaturalGlitch: Please don’t let Maud be in this story. PLEASE.

The Glasses Of Love are more powerful than I could possibly imagine!

Neo: Hey, I just realized something. Why don’t those glasses affect Ice Star?

SC276: That’s what I’d like to know!

Crazy56U: Maybe they do affect her… Maybe they just make her a sociopath. (shrugs)

SC276: Nah, she was an ass long before those came into play.

Crazy56U: (eye twitching) You don’t know that.

It was then I notice Dew grabbed something from her mane and in her hoof. Gripped in her hand was a detonator.

“Oh my... is that... a detonator?” I asked her.

Neo: I don’t know Ice, is it? It’s not like you just said it was a detonator or anything.

SC276: Also, ponies can now switch between having hands and hooves freely. Lyra would have a field day.

Crazy56U: No, it’s a potato. (dead-eyed glare)

Her only answer is to depress the red button atop of it. The sound of explosions filled the air.

NaturalGlitch: Please let it kill everyone in the store.

“Oh! Ah yes! The sweet sound of multiple explosives detonations! I love the smell of explosions in the morning!

SC276: Why hasn’t Sapphire been arrested yet again?

Crazy56U: Dew was the one to blow shit up, not Sapphire. ...you raise a good question, regardless…

Topher: Are the police just going to ignore the whole severed-penis-serial-killer-sex-den thing?

And I do believe they are coming from the direction of where Canterlot wedding was!” Sapphire said happily.

NaturalGlitch: So...she set all the bombs before the glasses incident? Just what was she doing before she went into the store?

“WHAT?! No! I won’t be able to submit one of my duplicate marriage registrations!” Lilly yelled shocked.

SC276: I WAS JOKING.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a can of Diet Coke) Here, friend. You need a drink…

SC276: (grabs it and chugs)

“You actually had more of them?! You conniving little bitch!” Scarlet said angrily.

Fluffy walked up to the now crying Lilly and said,

“You got one of the guards to make you a fake seal... That’s pretty sad. Impressive... but sad.

SC276: What’s sad is this fic.

Crazy56U: ...do you mean seal, the emblem or seal, the animal?

SC276: And if the former, is it on fire?

Crazy56U: And if the latter, is it on fire?

“Analyzing subject. Dignity... undetectable. Likelihood of getting Reaper... below detectable parameter.

Crazy56U: (chucks another magnet)

NaturalGlitch: I hope she turns into the Terminator and gets to shoot up the place.

“There’s no way that Reaper could possibly fall for somepony like Lilly. She’s not even an adult yet.” Said the brown pony.

Neo: Oh trust me...not being an adult has never stopped Reaper before.

Crazy56U: Or the Author.

“Wh-Why is everypony ganging up on me? It’s so unfair... It’s just that... I... feel in love with Reaper.” Lilly said still crying.

SC276: So has everypony else. That’s the bloody plot.

It was then I heard somepony at the front door and it wasn’t somepony I was expecting that’s for sure.

NaturalGlitch: [Tirek] “Well, howdy-do, slaves?”

“Excuse me, but what did you just say…?” Said a random voice.

“Sky?!” Reaper asked surprised.

SC276: Great, another new character we don’t care about.

Crazy56U: At least each new character is completely well-developed and- I can’t even finish this...

Well this is both unexpected and pleasing. Its Reaper’s younger brother.

NaturalGlitch: ...don’t go there, story.

I guess I’ll have to explain him as well.

SC276: I just said we don’t care.

He has a dark yellow mane with a dark blue coat. He is a unicorn who also works at Canterlot alongside Lilly.

SC276: And suddenly Canterlot is a company, I don’t know.

Crazy56U: Makes sense, given that it’s roughly 85% wealthy, stuck-up snobs…

Topher: It’s the corporations, man! They’re ruining Equestria! OCCUPY CRYSTAL EMPIRE 2016!

His obsession with Reaper is rather... Unsettling to say the least. It is not my place to judge nor do I care but it is still unsettling regardless...

Waterpear: Okay, to recap: this story has a vampire, a pedophillia joke, a love curse, demonic possession, two consecutive attempted rapes, cyborgs...and now gay incest.

Neo: Don’t forget the bombing of a Marriage Office that probably killed hundreds of innocent people.

SC276: Something for everyone!

Crazy56U: WRONG. There’s no quality.

SC276: ...something for everyone with no taste!

NaturalGlitch: Go ahead and judge; we already are.

“You seem to be surrounded by a great number of beautiful women. Perhaps you can explain the meaning of all this...” He asked angrily.

Sven: I’ve lost track of how many times these characters have switched from being humans to ponies and back again.

NaturalGlitch: I know hoping that Sky takes off Reaper’s glasses is useless, but it’s all I have left.

“Hey! Not you too?! And what’s with your eyes? They’re... heart-shaped…?!” He asked stepping back.

Neo: You should probably get those looked at.

Crazy56U: Yeah, I think that’s a sign of eye cancer...

What madness is this? Is sexual preference a little more than a simple bump on the road for the Glasses Of Love?!

NaturalGlitch: You’re one of the reasons no one likes bronies, author.

... Although in the ultimate analysis, I rather doubt his feelings towards Reaper required much... modification.

SC276: If this is based on the BlazBlue joke that is apparently a thing, I’m staking the author.

Crazy56U: Do it anyway.

As he stepped closer to us, He seemed to get angrier with each step.

“You horrible pack of harpies, don’t you dare touch my brother! Get out of my way, or I’ll cut you all to pieces! He demanded.

NaturalGlitch: [Sky] “I also narrate my own actions!”

He drew his sword and pointed it to us which means one thing... He has the intent to kill.

Neo: You don’t say? Unless by “sword” you meant penis, in which case this is now a very different scenario.

SC276: [Sky] “Let all those closing quotation marks be a lesson to you!”

Crazy56U: No, stop, what are you doing?! Kill Ice Star! SHE DID THIS!

My danger sense springs to life,

Topher: You know, I realized this might be dangerous a little earlier, when we found out Sapphire enjoys mutilating and raping people.

Crazy56U: Did you just rip-off the Spider Sense?!

and I jumped out the nearest window I saw.

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Why?! Did I do something bad in a past life?!”

Not a moment too soon. As I saw the place covered in ice, it ruffled my perfect bangs.

SC276: [Ice Star] “So I blew up the planet for offending me, wot wot.”

Crazy56U: ...WHY DID ICE STAR SURVIVE?!

What I saw in front of me is neither love, nor hate, nor obsession... Merely an icicle of what was once a store. Don’t worry they aren’t dead they are simply frozen is all they will indeed thaw out eventually.

Waterpear: Yeah, and then you’ll have a pile of corpses who died of hypothermia.

Neo: I feel like he couldn’t come up with an ending so he just went with this.

SC276: Wait, where did the ice come from? Did she just freeze the entire building to keep Sky from killing everyone?

Sven: A better question is ‘Do we care?’

Crazy56U: Uh, yeah, no, they’re totes dead.

NaturalGlitch: I... Well, no wonder Reaper hates Ice Star.

As I turned my back on the place , I noticed the Glasses that were the source of the problem.

SC276: They had somehow jumped out the window too.

Crazy56U: The Glasses wanted to end it all...

Although I started this, I couldn’t help but get the feeling that it was more than that.

SC276: No. No. There is no deeper philosophical meaning here. You are just a dick.

Crazy56U: A dick trying to search for a nonexistent meaning… … ...was this originally supposed to be a “Game Theory” fan fic?

I glared at them but in the end I decided to pick them up that was resting near my hoof. With a bit of hesitation I pick them up.

NaturalGlitch: You. Don’t. Say!

The Glasses Of Love... A powerful item indeed... They can work their powers on mares and stallions of all ages... But wait. Why, then, did they not affect me?

SC276: That’s what we’d like to know!!

Crazy56U: Why? Because we like you!

Was it possible that I liked him from the start? No... It couldn’t be. Why would I like that despicable, foolish, stupid and, uncaring of a man?

SC276: Quit talking to your gender-flipped reflection.

NaturalGlitch: ...I was joking before!!

I shrugged it off and put the glasses over my eyes. The icy I see though the Glasses Of Love is a little frightening, a little, beautiful , and a little bittersweet…

SC276: I don’t know what that’s about. Then again, if anyone can figure out what the fuck’s going on in this story, I’ll give them a cookie.

Crazy56U: Hey, leave “Bittersweet” out of this; that story’s MILES above this drek! (steals SC276’s cookie; chews)

SC276: ...I’ll consider it fair exchange for the Diet Coke.

NaturalGlitch: Why did she put on—my left arm itches so I ate it.

Chapter End Notes:

RingmasterJ5: The story has only ever had one chapter and the fic is labeled complete, so I’m not really sure why it’s still called that. Definitely not a bad thing that there isn’t more of this, though.

Waterpear: That might be one of PFA’s idiosyncrasies.

How is the story? If there are mastakes (and I'm sure there are) leave a comment so I can learn my mastakes.

SC276: (collapses on the ground laughing madly)

Crazy56U: (closes eyes, pinches bridge of nose)

Topher: (sighs, walks away)

NaturalGlitch: I left my review of your fanfic in my toilet.

Did you like the story? Leave a comment and tell me your thoughts.

Fallen Prime: “And if I don’t like your thoughts, I’ll send personal attacks towards you and stalk you after I get banned for it.”

Waterpear: what the fuck did we just read

Neo: That’s what we all want to know. Honestly, it feels like we just read like the middle part of a story rather than the beginning or end.

SC276: You want my thoughts? The narrator is an unlikeable dick, none of the characters have any development or personality whatsoever, there is no hint of setting besides some vague store, and the plot is confusing as hell. And I know it’s not fatigue, because I gave it another pass after I went to sleep for the night. This “story” is just nonsensical nonsense.

Elric: Hi, I’m Elric. I wanted to comment on this but I didn’t. I couldn’t, because I’m dead now. Destroyershy destroyed me.

ChangelingLumin: At least he didn’t call you a backstabber and try to get you banned.

Crazy56U: I think we all learned an important lesson here, today. And that is… … …

Sven: Uh, don’t talk to a vampony, because she’ll make you wear glasses that make all the other characters fall in love with you, including your own brother?

SC276: Close enough!

RingmasterJ5: I wasn’t sure exactly how to follow up something like the last fic, but then our own Gli-er, Maud sent me this, which fits the other thing we commonly did in the old F/F/T3K, horrible obscure self-inserts that nobody has read but are incredibly riffable. Maud, a bit of an intro, if you will?
Kanzlerin Maud: Funny story about this particular sample, actually. I was hanging around in a Google Hangout (of course) with a handful of others, and for a larf, we decided to dig up some less-than-stellar fanfics to read and laugh over together. Needless to say, as I was touring around Fanfic.net for one such story, this one sort of… caught my eye, to put it that way. Aside from the very unassuming title, “My Life in MLP”, it seemed to be a special case of bad. One sentence in, and what do you know, I’d struck gold. It’s such a blatant self-insert with such horrid textual errors and stupidly contrived plot elements that I couldn’t help but find it utterly hilarious, if only because of how audaciously awful it is. Though, that could be the madness settling in…

RingmasterJ5: And a few paragraphs into reading it myself, I was reminded of another, very similar fic I read years back that had so much in common with this one that it’d be foolish not to pair them up. Both of them are stories from Fanfiction.net posted in 2012 with extremely short “block-of-text” chapters with shitty writing and horrible grammar that involve an OC human coming to Equestria, romancing a canon pony, and somehow beating Discord. But we’ll get to that one later, for now have this... abomination.
Cola: Not just HiE, but a double helping of the toilet fodder. Are you trying to kill us?

Maud: Did I also mention that the author posted thirteen chapters as a single chapter? Because he did. And that’s terrible.

Fallen Prime: Oh god, the grammar of the story titles... fuck your shit, Kanzerlin.
Maud: I apologize for nothing.

Steel: I at least apologize for not being here on time. LET THE RIFF BEGIN!

Cola: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

It was 2018, I just turned nineteen and I am off my way to go to collage.

Sigma: With that spelling I find it unbelievable that any college would accept you,
Something: Oh boy here we go.
Maud: Yeah… Let this set the tone for what’s to come.

NaturalGlitch: I should sue for tense whiplash.

Neo: Also, can we just address the fact that he said he was going to ‘Collage’?

Cola: To be fair, the character probably belongs more in a collage than a college. Collages are made up of flat things.

Crazy56U: With any luck, the collage is that of “The King of Town’s Adventures in Giant Cockroachland”. Either that or Judgement Day, since it is 2018...

due to the lack of funding

NaturalGlitch: “—they had to teach some of the classes in the bathrooms...”

Crazy56U: “the school had to double as a prison.”

I couldn't go on my eighteenth birth day

Something: Not two words.

Steel: A whole year gone by, and no school to support his knowledge. Well, he’s screwed.

NaturalGlitch: “I’ve always had trouble ‘going’ for some reason, if you know what I mean.”

Crazy56U: Because, as we all know, all colleges everywhere must close for a year after you turn 18. All that funding goes into your birthday presents.

I was supposed to go to florida to study gaming

Something: Because that’s totally something colleges teach.

Neo: I mean, studying game design is one thing, but just gaming is something you do at home...not at school.

Maud: Nowadays, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Steel: It’s the year 2018! Game testing is a burgeoning industry with all the AR hentai games. Gotta build endurance somehow!

Crazy56U: Really? Florida? Instead of literally anywhere else? ...excluding Texas, of course, for obvious reasons?

and movie animation.

Fallen Prime: ...what’s even more depressing is that this is exactly what I’m in college to study.

Steel: And then Fallen Prime was actually the main character.

SC276: Better you than me!

Cola: Fallen, it’s not your fault.

NaturalGlitch: “And all they taught me was how to cry while looking at my student loan bills.”

Crazy56U: And since this college is in Florida, that means the animation is going to be Video Brinquedo-level quality. ...you know, if they still exist in 2018.

"well mom i'm off to winter park" I said.

Steel: “This really nice guy in a red jacket and awesome moustache gave me a ticket!”

SC276: Winter Park. In Florida. Someone’s desperate for attendance.

RJ: Considering one of the largest cold weather testing facilities is in Florida, I’m not surprised by it.
Crazy56U: Do you even know what Florida is like in terms of weather? Snow is practically a myth there.

"please be careful I don't want you to get hurt,

NaturalGlitch: “Remember that time you stuck your head in the toilet? Let’s not have another incident—OK?”

Creazy56U: Please, your lips say “Be careful.”, but your text formatting says “Please get eaten by a bear.”

please call me when you get there."

Sigma: “After all, I need SOME sort of beacon to direct the air strike on you.”

"I will mom," I replied,

NaturalGlitch: “I’ll even use a phone this time and not my mental powers that I totally have. The voices got really mean last time.”

Crazy56U: And he never did.

"don't worry i'll be fine."

Fallen Prime: This reassurance brought to you by the National Fate Temptation Committee.

Steel: Major donators are Foreshadowing Inc., Aperture Science and The World Association For Pony Societies.

TopherRiffs: And the support of readers like you. Thank you.

Crazy56U: She dies at the end, doesn’t she...

I am on my way now to florida.

Something: Wait, Florida? I thought you were going to the park! Make up your mind!

Steel: Silly Something, Winter Park is in the Sunny State, obviously! Where it’s always summer.

Cola: We are on our way now to hell.

Scarlet: This is the lamest story rap I have ever heard.

Crazy56U: We… knew this?

it took about three days but I manage to make it

NaturalGlitch: “Sure wish I didn’t have to ride a goat to get there; they always eat my lunch and steal my money.”

JofY: “He was tasty though.”

Crazy56U: That’s... not really impressive since you never specified where you were coming from. For all I know, you were in Georgia, got lost for 3 days, and then stumbled across Florida by accident.

with my pre packed food supplies, mostly ham sanwhiches

Fallen Prime: That’s not how you spell sammich.

Steel: That’s also not part of a balanced breakfast! Get some grains in there, kid!

SC276: Have there been capital letters besides “I” yet? I’ve already started blocking this out.

Crazy56U: Theory: the ham was spoiled, and the narrator got severe food poisoning. Hence the issues in writing.

and cokes. I was tired Iskiped the tour till the net day i got my appartment key and unpacked.

Cola: Appartment?!

Sigma: I think he probably skipped the “Rough draft - Final draft” process too, judging by the writing.

Steel: He tried to skip the publishing process, too, but that would’ve been too much work.

Neo: This isn’t even a rough draft. The author just somehow managed to find a way to transfer his unfiltered thoughts directly onto paper in a chaotic mess.

Cola: It’s really just a pile of random neural firings.

NaturalGlitch: Maybe some maniac who gets off on horrible grammar and spelling broke into this guy’s house and forced him to write like he has metal shrapnel in his brain.

Crazy56U: This only serves to confirm my “food poisoning” theory...

"hey there!" said fiendly voice.

Fallen Prime: Yeah, most fiends have voices like that.

Steel: Enter the villain!

RJ: (overly happy) Hey there new neighbor! We’re having a potluck block party next week, it’d be a pip if you could come! I’ll be kidnapping you all afterwards for some evil plot! Oh, and it’s BYOB! See ya there!

"Yea you whats your name?" he asked.

NaturalGlitch: “Luci! ...fer.”

Crazy56U: “Christian Grey!”

"My name is Chris whats yours?" I replied with an awkward tone I never noticed before.

Crazy56U: ...okay, then, managed to guess that by accident...

Fallen Prime: I hope you’re proud.

SC276: I’m guessing now that the protagonist is either a girl or gay, and shipping will ensue.

NaturalGlitch: “My name is Sue. Mary Sue.”

"My name is Andrew, andy for short."

Fallen Prime: Or call him Drew.

Steel: And then Twow was the supporting character.…

"Well its nice to meet a friendly face."

NaturalGlitch: Too bad it’s not his own! Dun dun du~un!

Crazy56U: Wait, someone stole his face? Is this now Face/Off 2?

I looked at him with one of my famous smirks.

Something: More famous than Ben Affleck’s?

Sigma: We don’t even know who this asshole is, how can he say ANYTHING about him is famous?

Steel: Nah, it’s just his smirk is the trademark of douchebags everywhere. That’s how he’s famous: he invented it.

Scarlet: I’ve actually got a few of them in my back room. Bought ’em off of Ebay before he got big.

Crazy56U: It’s world famous because it makes him look constipated.

"Do you go to Sailing Arts U?"

Something: Worst college name ever.

RingmasterJ5: Ah, yes, Sailing Arts U. Clearly the most prestigious college for… gaming and movie animation.

Neo: I feel like that’s supposed to be a reference to Full Sail University, but I know that the author probably couldn’t think of a good name so he just ripped one off. Though my question is, if that was the case...why not just put Full Sail Univeristy in the story?

Cola: The author couldn’t even steal the name correctly.

Steel: Shipping Arts U, premier destination of all fanfiction writers! Their graduation rate is a bit too high, though.

JofY: Well, they do work on a pass/pass system.

Crazy56U: Eh, I don’t get why they made a Wii U port for Sailing Arts. It worked just fine on the Wii...

he asked with glee. "actully I do i didn't want to go today because I flet tired,

NaturalGlitch: “Sure, I mean, I did pay a freakish amount of money that I’ll never see again and will be paying my student loans for the rest of my life, but I get so tired from staring at walls.”

Crazy56U: (Googles “flet”) … ...you “floor” tired?

Scarlet: Why are we talking about Forward Lines of Enemy Troops?

so I just came to get key to my apartment."

SC276: From what I understand, this is the actual behavior of college students.

Topher: Yeah, that’s actually pretty spot on.

Scarlet: Nah, full accuracy requires that he order a pizza as well. Like, immediately. And also that he be drunk.

"Do you need help unloading?" he offered.

Cola: Wow, salty! This got under way quick! So now the gay sex -- oh.

NaturalGlitch: “Here—have some stool softener to help you unload.”

Crazy56U: Yep, I know how this scheme works. You offer to help someone move in, and then you abscond off with their expensive stuff. I read the news, I know what your game is...

"Yes I would appreciate that thank you."

Fallen Prime: The commentary’s probably going to obscure the paragraph divides, but I SWEAR these paragraphs have multiple speakers.

Steel: ANDREW-002, COMMENCE RESPONSE AND MANUAL LABOR ASSISTANCE.

Cola: This is the first time I’ve seen a fanfic riffing that made the dialogue slightly more readable.

Crazy56U: Only slightly, it can’t work miracles...

we manage to get every thing unloaded before the night life emerged.

Something: NOW KISS.

Steel: Now we get funkeeeeeh.

Neo: The author is teasing us at this point.

SC276: So, flowers that open in the dark, or…?

RJ: Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand...

NaturalGlitch: ”A full night of Counter-Strike Source! But not CS-GO; that’s for noobs who like change.”

Crazy56U: Suddenly, vampires.

basicly when all the frat partys begin.

Fallen Prime: Just in case you weren’t aware of what the college nightlife is.

Sigma: My eyes are hurting.

Steel: I never had this shit in college. Jealous.

SC276: My college probably has these, but I’m both not interested in frats and really uncomfortable with loud noises, so…

Topher: Rally together introverts! There are dozens of us! DOZENS! Well, I guess if you’re rather stay home, that’s okay.

Crazy56U: I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I am digging this MLP story so far! ...sure wish the MLP part would show up, though...

I wasn't a party goer my self

NaturalGlitch: “—but my other self is, so I wore his skin that night.”

Crazy56U: “because I saw The Hangover films, and they taught me why partying is bad. And progressively not-funny.”

but I managed to go now and then.

Steel: “I saw some shit.”

SC276: “It’s where I stuck spaces in all my compound words.”

RJ: He knows his limits. He stops drinking before he gets coherent and articulate.

Cola: I’m not sure that’s really a danger, RJ.

RJ: … Can I start drinking until he gets more coherent and articulate then?

Fallen Prime: If I have to riff sober, so do you.

Crazy56U: He camped out by the bathroom just in case.

when I went inside my new, small, temparary home,

NaturalGlitch: “I live in a hut until they can relocate me to a real house.”

Scarlet: Between that and the FLETs, the plot twist here is that he lives in a war zone.

Crazy56U: Or, as it’s better known, a box in the back alley.

I unpacked the basics.

Fallen Prime: It was an extra twenty bucks to unpack the premium edition, and another forty for the season pass.

Steel: FUCKING DOWNLOADABLE BAGGAGE.

RJ: Eh, I’ll just wait for the Home of the Year edition.

"Ahh much better." I sighed with relif.

NaturalGlitch: “I confused my bed with the toilet; they have the same smell.”

I just unpacked all my electronics and what not basic livng things, tv,xbox,my laptop, and lighting fixures,

Something: No Nintendo, no friendship, that’s what I say.

Steel: Nintendo: Creator (Mario Kart) and destroyer (Mario Party) of friendships.

SC276: I love how the entertainment system is considered the “basics.” That’s today’s generation for ya.

Neo: He also considers ‘Lighting Fixtures’ to rank higher than clothing as far as the basics go. Hell, clothes aren’t even on the list!

JofY: What about food?

Cola: Wait, lighting fixtures? He brought sconces to college? What the fuck?

RJ: Maybe he’s going to feng shui the hell out of that apartment.

Topher: Didn’t didn’t Cola just say he brought magical glowing scones?

Crazy56U: Well, just when I thought it was impossible, I managed to lose even more respect for the guy...

the list goes on.

Sigma: Hopefully that list includes a cyanide capsule.

Something: And maybe some bleach just in case.

Steel: An extra sacrificial XBox controller as well.

Crazy56U: He probably has a Kinect, too...

when I sat down on my couch,

NaturalGlitch: “—I try not to think about the amount of human bodily fluids make their home on the couch...”

I turned on the tv and watch my little pony: friendship is magic.

NaturalGlitch: “I ignore entire episodes of world building and canon for my superior brain-farts, like a true brony.”

Scarlet: I’m more impressed he’s actually watching it on the television and not pirating it off YouTube or something.

Topher: I’m pretty sure viewership would double if we started to watch it when it was actually on. Imagine the ratings! the budget increases! the overall increase in quality! BAND TOGETHER, MY FELLOW BRONIES, WE SHA- wait, it’s on in the MORNING? fuck that noise, I’m staying in bed.

Crazy56U: I’m essentially dead before noon, so I feel ya.

Secretly

Something: Because you’re not comfortable enough with yourself to admit that the term “guilty pleasure” is a load of bollocks.

Steel: Some people just aren’t secure in how others feel of them.

Neo: Clearly this author has no such inhibitions if he actually posted this.

I kept this from friends and family because of fear of disrespect.I was a " closet Broney"

Fallen Prime: So closeted he can’t even spell it.

Steel: I’d use a gay joke here, but I don’t think there’s one that could do his closetedness justice.

SC276: A guy afraid of watching MLP in 2018? Gheeze, social justice has been slacking.

Cola: Damn Social Justice Slackers!

Scarlet: Well, the term “Social Justice Warrior” is an insult now and we had to think of new branding.

Crazy56U: Kid, I don’t think your friends would disrespect you for being a brony, not when you have so many other issues at hand.

as it were I always felt that I could live and fit in there,

NaturalGlitch: “I just hope they have something in my size.”

i had no problem fiiting in here in reality either

SC276: Not with that typesmanship.

Neo: ….Was that even a sentence?

Crazy56U: Well, only after you reject our reality and substitute your own.

but just there in ponyville it just felt... peaceful just peaceful.

Fallen Prime: Your sentence structure is... shoddy just shoddy.

Topher: Ponyville? Peaceful? Do you need me to get the list of all the shit that went down in just one year?

Cola: “It seemed so peaceful when Tirek tried to enslave the land, and when the battle between godlike powers destroyed nearly a whole town!”

NaturalGlitch: “And all the ponies and critters look just so huggable. Sometimes I accidently snap my pets in half from all the practice hugs I do.”

Chapter 2

Maud: Reminder that, yes, all of these chapters were posted as one complete chapter. What you see is pretty much what you get.

Fallen Prime: I never loved you.
Something: And no one ever will.

Steel: Ouch, I can feel the love here…

JofY: Wait! ...What the fuck, happened in that first chapter?

Crazy56U: Let’s see… the narrator went to college, met a guy, went to a party, unpacked some stuff, and watched TV. ...riveting, I know.

Over the next few days Andy showed me around the collage and the city.

Sigma: He then exploded, for Andy was secretly… a BOMB.

Topher: Andy prefers the term “Explosive American.”

for a city it was pretty small but all nice people.

NaturalGlitch: “They all had the same hairdo and smile, welcoming me again and again.”

we were walking past an old antiuqe shop but it wasn't for the old world warII items or the 1960 hippe outfit,

NaturalGlitch: “Or that weird sphere thingie that was leaking raw astral energy.”

which i dont know why they would sell that,

Fallen Prime: Because it still smells like Woodstock?

Crazy56U: ...because hippy clothing is outlawed?

Steel: “Why do antique stores sell important historical items?”

but an old cobalt blue box that some what looked like the box that contained the elements of harmony when the mane6 defeated nightmare moon.

Maud: Spoiler alert. It’s probably the real deal.

Fallen Prime: It comes with a curse. I don’t know what curse, but it’s a curse.

Sigma: The curse is that whoever suffers it sucks at storytelling.

Steel: THE CURSE OF A THOUSAND SHIPPERS.

Topher: But it also comes with a free frogurt!

Cola: Maybe it just comes with the reader cursing repeatedly?

NaturalGlitch: “♫My birth was a curse! / I bit the nurse!♫”

Crazy56U: Here’s a curse: fart.

i went into the shop and asked "Is any one here the sign said you were open."

Something: That’s not how you sentence, you purple fuck.

Steel: All the commas were on vacation. Humanity lost its ability to write.

SC276: I’d rather live in the Library of Babel at this point.

i walked to the front desk and there was a note the said,

NaturalGlitch: “Please ignore the fact this is written like a typical gaming creepypasta.”

JofY: No, in that case it would be a hyper-realistic note.

Scarlet: But it would be 8-bit as well. This merely costs eight bits.

"To whom who read this i am out of the shop to go to the bank to get some change if you would like to buy somthing please leave a note and exact price, thank you..."

Sigma: This guy would be robbed in a damn heartbeat.

Steel: Nah, it’s not robbery! Just take everything and mark it all down as $0! It’s proper shopping!

Neo: Little did Main Character guy know, the correct price was his eternal soul.

Cola: “...I have had stroke why cannot word good.”

Crazy56U: So, apparently someone still uses the honor system...

so i looked at the price at the box,

NaturalGlitch: “It had a note in it saying, ‘Please, if found, return to Pandora.’ “

the price it was one-hindred-nitynine dollars.

Fallen Prime: Dude, you have no idea what the collectibles market is like. That’s ludicrously underpriced.

Sigma: Do we have a word for beyond ludicrous? I feel like we need one.

Fallen Prime: Ridonkulous.

Steel: So ludicrous, it threw on a kilt and painted everything except the kilt plaid.

Cola: What’s one-hindred-nitynine dollars in American dollars?

Sigma: A turd and some flakes of dead skin.

Crazy56U: $20 in Monopoly money.

"I cant afford that... well not right now at least." i thought about it for a minute

Something: In reality, he was there all night. Because he’s stupid.

Steel: “That moment felt like an eternity...”

SC276: “Minutes turned to hours… Hours turned to days…”
Cola: LO, FOR THE AEONS DID PASS

Scarlet: That line feels like the plot hook for some kind of part-time job themed time management sim.

"Well my next paycheck was about $450,

NaturalGlitch: That’s about my months pay. ...(falls to the ground in a sobbing heap)

Crazy56U: Well, at least you can’t say the story isn’t completely unrealistic...

so i think i can rain check it." so i deceided

Something: Guys, I think he’s going to try and kill Go- wait, that’s supposed to be

“decided”. Never mind.

Steel: It’s the Monkey’s Paw all over again!

Cola: Ew, he de-seeded all over the place! Gross.

to write a note that said, "Dear shop owner i am a customer

NaturalGlitch: “—that is writing this on your cash register. I swear it was empty when I got here.”

Crazy56U: “at least I think I am, I forget how this ‘shopping’ thing works anymore…”

that walked in while ago by the time you get here i will be gone ...",

Fallen Prime: That’s gonna send exactly the message you’re intending.

Steel: “I came in and now I’m leaving. PS, your shop sucks.”

Cola: “...and I’m barely here as it is.”

i was writing the note when suddenly i heard an old woman's voice.

Something: “Wait, this isn’t the old opera house!”

Steel: “Dearie, might I request some assistance in moving this bag?”

"Well hello my dear, what can i help you with?"

NaturalGlitch: [old lady] “Die, die, die! I mean—um, hello!~”

I stuttered a bit "W-well i was intrested in that box over there i was wondering if..." "OH THAT THING," she shouted

Sigma: “JESUS CHRIST, WHY AM I YELLING?”

Steel: “IF I SCARE HIM AWAY, HE WON’T BUY MY PRECIOUS.”

SC276: I’d rather send the fic to Mount Doom, but the box will do.

Neo: “OH THANK GOD, DO YOU WANT THIS PIECE OF SHIT!? HERE, TAKE IT FOR FREE! SHIT’S CURSED, DEARIE!”

JofY: I HOPE IT ISN’T TOO MUCH BECAUSE MY HEART MAY NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE IT!!!

Topher: I seem to be having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!!

Crazy56U: LOUD NOISES!

"You can have that no charge!"

Maud: “It looks ugly as shit, anyway.”
Something: “And it has terrible battery life.”

Steel: “There are spiders living in it.”

SC276: “Special sale on life-changing bullshit plot coupons!”

Topher: Five bucks says he returns to the address later and the shop is gone.

NaturalGlitch: [old lady] “Now please excuse my cackling, won't you, dear?”

i asked "Why are you giving this to me for free?"

NaturalGlitch: [old lady] “It’s one of those trap chests that attack you instead of giving you gold.”

Topher: FUCKING MIMICS!

Crazy56U: “Because the economy is shit.”

she explained that every customer that bought that box could not open the dam thing

Sigma: That wouldn’t make it free, just more valuable for the mystery.

Steel: “Time to hit EBay...”

SC276: I’m not familiar with dams, but opening them seems like a bad thing in general.

Cola: “I help the special schoolkids by giving them tchotchkes. Don’t masturbte in public with it, dearie!”

"well did it used to have a key?" i wondered. "No it did not it just came with a note that i can't read it."

NaturalGlitch [Note] “They’ll never find her head now! Muahahahahahaha!”

Crazy56U: Was it this: ♪

so she shoved me out of the store and made a make shift sign that said "NO RETURNS"

Fallen Prime: Hopefully foreshadowing that he can never come back home.

Steel: “Huh. That’s the same sign the orphanage uses.”

Neo: Hang on a minute...i f there are no returns... then how did she get the box back from all those people who couldn’t open it? Did they just give it to her for free?

JofY: So… Did she give him the note or something?

so i decieded to walk home with the mystrious box.

Sigma: I hope the box has ebola in it.
Something: Or maybe a book on how to grammar.

Steel: Hell, a dictionary in this world must be a treasure.

Cola: I’m just going to hope it’s a “the end” sign.

SC276: ~Mystery box, what can it be? Is it a party? Maybe, we’ll see…~

chapter 3

Later on that day after all my animation classes,

Crazy56U: All one of them.

Something: “I finished all of college in one day!”

Steel: “All they did was show me how to use one of those digital cameras. Ten grand, well spent!”

Neo: That’s what he gets for going to Sailing Arts U instead of Full Sail.

i went home and just looked at the note and the cobalt blue box

NaturalGlitch: “Why does it scream at me during the night?”

with the mystrious emblems that looked like the elements of harmony. I studied that note for hours now it look like it was written in equestrian.

Maud: “I know this because shut up.”

Sigma: Do they ever even SHOW Equestrian writing? I don’t remember.

Steel: All of Equestrian lithography is squiggly lines. They’re constantly talking in a cypher!

Cola: It’s not a cypher. It’s ZalGO.

Scarlet: Look, just because none of you can speak pig latin….

Crazy56U: Ays-say ou-yay.

I looked up the alphabet for their language

NaturalGlitch: “It’s a good thing I have this decoder ring I got from my cereal box.”

it took me about two weeks to study the entire alphabet.

Fallen Prime: An alphabet that... I don’t even think the show writers have developed.
Maud: He could have studied most of the letters, which… vaguely resemble ours anyway, yet isn’t consistent in the slightest. So, actually, I’ve no clue how he managed.

Steel: So that’s what he was doing during animating class!

SC276: On one hand, it’s 2018, and if the show’s still going, they’ve probably figured something out. On the other hand, it’s this fic.

Scarlet: Actually, it was in english the whole time. He was holding the paper upside-down.

afterwards i looked at the note and started decoding it.

Neo: “ur a faget kil yoorself”

Something: “Stop writing, you sack of donkey shit.”

Steel: “The note revealed a great secret I had been hiding for years... they knew. THEY KNEW ABOUT MY BIRTH.”

RJ: “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine…”

Cola: “I… canot… spelll… gud…”

Scarlet: “After you read this and turn around, you will die.”

Crazy56U: “Hello, I am a Nigerian prince...”

After about thirty minutes i finally decoded the note and it said

NaturalGlitch: “If you read this without the amulet, you’ll go crazy and write terrible works of fiction.”

Crazy56U: “U gonna die.”

"To whom reads this leter, this box contains a portal to another dimention

Fallen Prime: No, it contains the Elements of Harmony. Wasn’t that established?

Sigma: “A dimention is like a dimension, only shittier and full of bad characters.”

Steel: “Oh, another portal device.” He then burned the note and went back to his life.

Topher: Oh, God! Isn’t his how Martin Willis started?

Cola: Reading leters, portals to dimentions, gee. I can see we’ve got our work cut out for us.

Crazy56U: Too bad that dimension contains nothing but shrimp...

but in order to open this world you must know all the names of these emblems,

NaturalGlitch: “Then a shard of the Magic Mirror will materialize and shove its way into your neck. Don’t worry; this is normal.”

Crazy56U: “and then drink a gallon of bleach. Trust me, this is legit.”

they are your key to open the new dimenton…

Something: Maybe this is just an ad for Smell-o-Vision.

Steel: Try as he might, he couldn’t speak the names of those sacred elements: Plot,

Grammar, Spelling, Characterization, Pacing, and Description.

SC276: Entering the new dimension requires basic MLP knowledge and yet the thing was never opened? Are you kidding me? A five-year-old girl would literally had already figured it out.

but be warned, you will be stuck in this world for seven days to decided

Sigma: That’s the first properly spelled use of decide I’ve seen so far.

Cola: And it’s still in the wrong tense!

Steel: Seven days? I’ve seen demos that lasted longer!

RJ: Offer void in DC and Puerto Rico.

Crazy56U: Wait, seven days… Did this turn into a crappy Ring crossover?

RingmasterJ5: I hope not.

if you would like to stay in this universe or leave and the box will be destroyed

NaturalGlitch: “But be sure to include your credit card information and pin number...just in case. Yeah.”

and you as the opener will lose all memory of the events of the new world."

Fallen Prime: Which blows if he actually WANTS to remember his transdimensional vacation.

SC276: This is both really too long for what could conceivably fit on the Elements’ jewelry box and so loaded a final choice, if he doesn’t stay, I’ll eat my arm.

Scarlet: I assume the Equestrian alphabet was made up of bar-code thickness lines.

i thought of this for a few hours and i decided to open the box during my winter break which was not that far away.

Something: How long has he even been here, for fuck’s sake?

Sigma: So he just got to college, then a few days later got the box, then two weeks later he decoded it and it’s almost winter break. Jeez, and people complain about the MLP timeline.

Steel: He gazed out the window, stroking his long beard... “Winter is coming...”

Neo: If only this protag could end up like Ned Stark.

Crazy56U: Wait, it’s still winter? Dear God, the pacing is so fucked, I thought we were in the middle of Spring now...

the next thing i thought is "Is it really the my little pony world or

NaturalGlitch: “—the Equestria Girls world? I actually wouldn’t mind either one.”

Scarlet: It’s actually the Kingdom Hearts variant, so by traveling there he’s opening it to great calamity.

Crazy56U: “is it just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.”

just a world that was unatended to be created and just used the same language as equestria?"

Maud: Asking yourself obvious questions: A cool thing to do, apparently.

Steel: The obvious question is “Where are the cameras?”

JofY: So, by that logic, his translation is total BS?

Scarlet: It’s probably a good thing this isn’t an anime fanfic. “Is this the world of Samurai Champloo, or just another world that speaks Japanese?”

and if it is Equestria, will i leave my own world to live in a world where most of the time is care free?

Something: That question is almost as complex as “How is babby formed?”

Steel: “Live here where I have to go to school, or live there where I can sleep in a

hammock all day... decisions, decisions!”

Topher: Are we not going to bring up the routine monster attacks, or the constant threats to reality itself? No? Okay.

NaturalGlitch: “Nonstop hug parties, here I come!”

Chapter 4

It is december 1st,2018, it was the begining

Fallen Prime: I won’t pretend to know what that means, but I bet it involves the begina.
Something: The beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning? Both?

Steel: War was beginning.

SC276: AD 2018- aw dammit.

Cola: Wait, did this turd just start over somehow? Is this a mobius crap?

Crazy56U: of the end. ...God only hopes so, at least...

of the unknown journey to the new realm.

Something: The realm known as… Texas.
Sigma: Hey, we don’t want him. Fuck off.

Steel: Are you sure he wasn’t from Texas and just wanted to go home?

Crazy56U: Look, just dump in him Texas, that state hasn’t done us any favors...

So like the note said you must name all the elements shown.

NaturalGlitch: “Water, fire... Dang it! Wrong show.”

Crazy56U: “Solid, liquid, gas, plasma… Wait, this is my science homework…”

it was a little difficult since i haven't watch it for a while now due to a new season coming out and christmas specials.

Fallen Prime: First of all, are they even gonna be making the show through to 2018? Sounds ludicrous for a toy-driven property. Second, how long ago was this written, because the Elements should be with the tree now.

Steel: Better yet, when did the series actually start in this timeline?

Scarlet: This poor kid can’t remember six words, but apparently he can translate a whole foreign alphabet?

Crazy56U: So, real talk: did the show do an “It’s a Wonderful Life” parody in this universe?

so i went into my room which was surprisenly sound proof,

SC276: Well that’s convenient.

Topher: What college is he going to that has soundproof dorms? More importantly, how do I sign up?

Cola: *twitches* ‘Surprisenly’.

Crazy56U: Poor idiot doesn’t know what “sound proof” actually means.

and i said all the elements,"Honesty,Generosity,Loyalty,Kindness,Laughter and

NaturalGlitch: “—Polka! Wait, no...”

Crazy56U: “Believing! Wait, that sounds stupid…”

MAGIC!" suddenly my room started shaking

Something: Looks like the San Andreas fault line decided to intervene.

Steel: “THIS IS THE BIG ONE!”

JofY: Sorry, the correct answer requires you to breathe.

and i fell down

Steel: The box shoved him over.

Neo: “...and died the end.”

Crazy56U: “down down to the bottom of the sea.”

then as if timed stop so i can be back on the same time, date and year

Fallen Prime: I... THINK those were words.

Sigma: We can’t be too sure. Nuke it from orbit.

Steel: Then nuke it again, I like the explosion.

Neo: Hit it with the Hyper Nuclear Super Duper Bomb Thermo Bomb whatever.

SC276: And then the protagonist was Sandra, Fairytale Detective. Cookie for whoever heard of that before now.

Crazy56U: Space is warped and time is bendable.

but i wasn't sure.

Something: Wouldn’t be the first time.

Steel: Join the club.

but when i looked at the small box,

NaturalGlitch: “—a claw burrowed right into my skull. I feel no different in my mental faculties."

it suddenly transformed into a giant doorway to the other side.

Steel: “I fell on through! To the other side!”

Topher: Did he die? I hope he died.

Scarlet: Unfortunately, like many lower creatures, he is simply too stupid to die.

i took a deep breath and hoped i would meet all the little ponys.

Something: As opposed to the dragons and weird ass tree wolves.

Steel: Timberwolves would be creepy as shit.

SC276: Unless you got rocks to throw down their throats.

Topher: Or fire. Has nobody considered using fire?
NaturalGlitch: Only if you got a thing for forest fires.

Scarlet [In an excited falsetto]: Do I ever! Next wolf I meet I’m burning the shit out of it!

Topher: I’ll bring the marshmallows!

"Here goes nothing." i said to my self with a nervous smile like if it was an actual event.

Sigma: Yeah, because going to another fucking world isn’t an actual event.
Something: But is it the movie event of the year?

Steel: I think E would argue with that.

Neo: Man, what qualifies as an event to this guy? Becoming Pope President of The 34th Spanish Space Inquisition?

Topher: Well, that would be an unexpected twist.

I had my backpack filled with my ipod for entertainment,

Something: That’ll last 8 hours most. Bet it’s filled with Three Days Grace.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, how big is your iPod that is can fill your entire backpack?!

Steel: He filled his backpack with iPods. Can never have too many!

some notebooks ,

NaturalGlitch: “—my only other pair of undies...”

pens and my lucky pair of sunglasses.

SC276: I see the “Deal with it” meme is in his itinerary.

RJ: Or he’s prepared for a CSI: Miami moment.

Crazy56U: (brandishes baseball bat)

I steped through the portal and just seen whiteness for a few moments then i was in a forest.

Cola: Seen whiteness? So you’re in suburbia now, watching soccer moms and bratty little kids named ‘Thad’?

Fallen Prime: And it only took four “chapters.”

Steel: Which in essence, was half of one.

SC276: And like fifteen minutes of my time which I want back.

Neo: Hey, look at this way. At least he didn’t show up in Equestria falling from the sky...no, wait, that would have been better because he would have died. Shit.

SC276: Unless he was a cursed alicorn prince, but what are the odds there’s two of those?

NaturalGlitch: “I ended up in Changeling territory and was torn apart by the Chupacabra and flowers which love eating flesh.”

Chapter 5

I looked around the area, i was in a forest but i coulden't tell

NaturalGlitch: “I see a bunch of trees and a water stream, wild critters and grass, but I don’t know if this is a forest.”

Scarlet: Hey, let’s be nice. Could be a horrible delusion. Heaven knows if I was transported into an alternate plane of existence, I’d begin reality-testing.

i made it so i wandered a round the forest till i managed to get out of the forest

Maud: I’m disappointed. He wasn’t even eaten by a manticore.

Sigma: I’m disappointed that he said forest three times in one mess of a sentence.

Steel: “I wandered through the forest to escape the forest but the forest kept me in the forest! Dastardly forest!”

SC276: Forest forest forest, forest forest? Forest, forest!

Neo: For fucks sake Forest doesn’t even look like a word anymore.

Cola: RUN FORREST oh never mind.

Crazy56U: Glad to know the forest was vital to the story, then...

and i wandered around even more till i ran into a barn

NaturalGlitch: He ended up in Barnyard Animals.

Scarlet: And promptly committed suicide to escape. Good end.

Crazy56U: “and then promptly pulled a Kool Aid Man and burst through the wall.”

i step into the barn and i heard,"What in tarnation, AppleBloom

Something: “Your name ain’t spelled in one word!”

Steel: “Learn them spaces!”

what are you doing!"

Fallen Prime: Oh, find me in the Alps…

SC276: Where the… goats roam?

Steel: “Didn’t I tell you t’ stop summonin’ ponies!?”

it was then i realized i was at AppleJack's farm.

Sigma: Applejack must be glad she’s not AppleJack right now.
Maud: Wherever she is, I’m sure it’s a much nicer place than this.
Something: Where she’s part of a nutritious breakfast.

Steel: Sweet and sugary!

SC276: Anyone else disappointed that he didn’t land in the Everfree?

Cola: I’m going to try to pretend that the rest of this is the character’s dying hallucination out in the Everfree.

i heard her hoofs coming this way

Steel: But the rest of her stayed put.

SC276: Her hat wanted nothing to do with this.

Cola: “Her head detached itself from her body rather than meet me.”

and hid behind the apple tree.

NaturalGlitch: All the trees in the orchard were hit by a radiation wave and became one gigantic tree.

Scarlet: Yggdrappsill- the World Apple.

AppleJack walked past me without a care, i sighed in relief. i looked to my right and i saw AppleJack in my face saying,"What the heck are you doing here!"

Something: I guess she’s just so used to there being humans in Equestria through bullshit means that she doesn’t even question why a human is even in Equestria.

Steel: “Migration office is that way, ya yokel.”

Neo: Hang on, what? So she walked past him and didn’t notice him and then suddenly she was to the right of him?
NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Are you some kind of gigantic Imp or a wingless Harpy?”

i was in shock i yelled "What the fuck!"

Fallen Prime: Dude, there’s children!

Steel: THINK OF THE FUCKIN’ KIDS!

Sigma: SC! Watch your fucking language!

SC276: SHOTS FIRED!

Neo: Why is he in shock? He came here expecting ponies, and there is a pony. I don’t see the issue here.

after words i just talked mumbo jumbo

SC276: “This not bear and bird world. Mumbo took wrong turn at Albuquerque.”

RingmasterJ5: Wow, he actually managed to end up somewhere worse than Nuts & Bolts.

" howa... You were.. how...walking ...no...care.."

NaturalGlitch: Applejack is trying out a chant she learned from Zecora; it’s for banishing self-inserts.

Scarlet: No, no, that one starts with “oh god why did I ever think this was a good idea” and ends with ceremonially wiping your own hard drive.

she covered my mouth with her hoof and simply said, "Who are you and where did you come from?"

Fallen Prime: You’d think “what” would come before “who.”

Steel: “What are you and who did you come from!?”

SC276: “What are you and who are you doing?!”

RJ: “Why are you and what did you come from?”

Cola: “How you are? What doing! From where and come you?”

Crazy56U: What is going on and why.

she said with a gentle smile.

Something: Those aren’t questions that should be asked politely.

Steel: I was still in that ‘angry scowl’ mode.

Scarlet: To be fair, I had already bought up this guy’s remaining supply of “famous smirks” and at this point, he was making do with whatever was lying around.

"Ummm i am just lost so yeah,i umm gotta go." i ran as fast as i could then i triped

NaturalGlitch: Ah—the classic “ghost trip.” Now he’s going to fumble with his car keys for no reason.

"Hold on there little doggie, just where do you think you are going."

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “You hungry? You look awfully skinny to be a Minotaur, though. And where are your horns?”

she said with a giggle."Sorry i have to do this sugercube

Fallen Prime: Dude, spellcheck is your friend. Or did you two have a falling out?
Something: Spellcheck probably insulted his waifu.

Sigma: Spellcheck ejected him faster than a stream of diarrhea.

Steel: It’s like that asshole roommate who keeps setting fire to all your NarutoXTwilight fanfiction while in a pope hat.

Neo: Has this story entered Rape Mode? I feel like it has.

Cola: *twitches* ‘triped’.

Crazy56U: ...I quit. (leaves)

but i have to... well knock you out." she bucked me in the head, she was right i was knocked out cold.

SC276: I’m pretty sure that should do worse, so consider yourself lucky to have plot armor.

Neo: That should have quite literally obliterated his skull; there would be almost nothing left.

Cola: I wish.

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “I have this boxing match to win, and you looked big enough to take a little jab, so I used you for practice. Sorry I couldn’t find the rest of your brains.”

I started gaining my vision back but my hearing was a little fuzzy but i heard multiple voices that i can reconize the voices the mane 6.

NaturalGlitch: “I can hear the voices in my head, like a swarm of robotic bees buzzing in my brain, getting louder and meaner.”

"well he is... diffrent..."

Fallen Prime: There are SO many people I could offend with any number of jokes I could make. I’m on an Orange Is the New Black binge, so my first instinct was a transgender joke, but I’d just feel awful.

Sigma: “See, he believes in this guy called Xenu…”

Steel: “You’ve already lost me, and I worship a God-like pair of princesses.”

SC276: Let’s see, unconscious after arrival in pony world, woke up surrounded by Mane 6… I’m having Starlight flashbacks right now.

Cola: Diff’rent strokes. Stupid ones, in this case.

a gentle voice said. i murmmered "Twilighhhhhhhhhhttt?"

Something: “I thought that series ended years ago!”

Sigma: You obviously are unaware of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Steel: “OH GOD THE VAMPIRES ARE BACK FOR ME!”

Neo: They have arrived to suck you blood, among other things.
Cola: *twitches, shudders* ‘Murmmered’.

They all looked at me as if they were shocked. "Hello are you okay?" twilight asked.

NaturalGlitch: “I’m not afraid I’m wearing a tie you go home.”

Scarlet [As Twilight]: “Because if you are okay, we need to knock you out again.”

"Ummm nothing but a dam headache." i spoke in a full voice.

SC276: Nice and plump for the feast.

"Can you untie me please?" i asked while using my smirk.

Maud: If someone asked me to do that while smirking, I’d probably just lace on even more rope. And a chain or three.

Sigma: Kick him in the mouth for good measure.

Steel: He douchebag’d so hard, they threw Rainbow onto his face.

Scarlet: I’m just pissed that he still had a smirk. I was so sure I’d bought out his supply!

"Applejack, can you?"

Something: “-put him with the 12 other mopey white guys that came in last week?”

RJ: (Applejack) But he hasn’t even said the safe word yet!
Cola: “ -- buck him in the head again, a little harder? The first time didn’t even hurt him!”.

Applejack untied me and released the rope that held me down.

Cola: I think that’s actually an acceptable sentence! Hooray! The author learned some English! I’m sure the rest of this story will be a little better.

NaturalGlitch: Give yourself one gold star, author.

Scarlet: Then give it back to me, because that sentence structure implies that Applejack released her hold on the rope rather than releasing him FROM the rope.

i fell but I jumped right back up, saying thanks and stood up and brushed off the dust on my hoodie.

SC276: Oh so that’s what you’re wearing. Would’ve been nice to know before now.

Topher: he’s a college student and it’s winter. It’s pretty much a given he’s wearing a hoodie.

Cola: *begins twitching again, falls silent*

"Well who are you guys?" although i knew all of them already i just wanted to make sure i was in the right world.

Fallen Prime: Um... seriously?

Sigma: Is he trying to make sure it’s not Pony.MOV or something?

SC276: Have you seen how many fanfics, and thus individual pony universes, there are? This is a perfectly reasonable check.

Cola: “I’m Twilight, that’s Applejack, and that’s Rarity and Fluttershy! They worship Lord Smooze. Have you heard of our lord and devourer, Smooze?”

"Well my name is twilight sparke, you already met Applejack, this is fluttershy,rainbowdash,raritey,and pinkiepie."

Something: Wow, two are spelled right. That must be a record.

NaturalGlitch: “—and we’re the changelings—I MEAN, the mane 6. Yeppers.”

i jogged through my thoughts to confirm every thing.

NaturalGlitch: “I then flapped my arms like a special needs kangaroo and belched. ...I’m not sure why.”

"i have one question, where am i?"

Something: “The event horizon between your world and hell.”

SC276: No, that’s where we are.

Cola: Between would be nice. I’m pretty sure we’re in hell.

Neo: “You are in Purgatory, you were sent here after having your head obliterated by Applejack. Oh and, we are actually Grim Reapers.”

i asked. Pinkie pie jumped on me and in here party voice

Fallen Prime: Party voice is a thing, I guess.
Something: Can I buy that vocaloid for a dollar?

SC276: Where party voice? There party voice!

Neo: Is Party Voice at all similar to the Royal Canterlot Voice?

NaturalGlitch: I think a party voice is when you shout cheers through a microphone.

"your in ponyville silly."

Something: What is an “in ponyville silly” and where’s the factory they’re made in?

"I am!" i was in shock it was the portal to my little pony,

NaturalGlitch: Meanwhile, his head is spurting blood all over the floor. The ponies have no idea what it is and think it’s some kind of paint.

how can this be true i walk into that portal and end up here in this...world.

SC276: Well it’s probably due to the fact that you’re in a fanfic right now.

Neo: Why is he so surprised? He went through that Magical MacGuffin Doorway to go to Equestria… and now he is in Equestria...mission accomplished right?

Cola: I think this guy is shocked when the poop vanishes in the big white thing in his bathroom.

"what is your name?" Applejack asked."And what are you?"

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Rainbow Dash thinks you’re a mutant that came from a meteorite. She’s been watching too many spooky movies.”

Scarlet [As Twilight]: “I, on the other hand, think you’re a foreign presence summoned from another world whose inherent existence could destabilize our plane; so I’ll be blasting you in the face with harmony magic now.”

continued twilight. "well my name is Chris and i am a human i came through a box

Fallen Prime: Please don’t share.
Something: This gets 2% more bearable if you read it in a bad Russian accent.

SC276: I’d rather not, that’d make me 48% more likely to suffer death by Heavy.

that came with a note written in equeatrian,

Something: Whatever that is, it’s not language.

RJ: This whole fic is not language.
Cola: This is what happens if you leave language out on the counter overnight.

NaturalGlitch: If it was in Equestrian, how is he talking to them and how are they understanding—you know what? Never mind.

so i opened the box and entered an "poof" im here.

Sigma: Is it bad that when he said poof, my first thought was, “He turned gay?”

Scarlet: ...Turned? Did you forget Andrew so quickly?

Acording to the note i have seven days to explore this world

NaturalGlitch: “I can’t wait to go to Gelding Gorge!”

and then i decide if i will stay or go back and forget this all happened."

Fallen Prime: Still think the forgetting is a little dumb.

SC276: Compared to the rest of the fic, it’s practically standard.

"intresting..." twilight remarked,"so what will you do?", "i don't know," i mumbeled, "i can work with all of you guys and help for the first six days and i will decide if i stay or go,

NaturalGlitch: When he finds out he’s going to be the weakest, slowest, magic-less, tallest, talentless and dumbest creature in Equestria, that’s when the madness sets in.

Scarlet: “There will never be another McDonalds Cheeseburger.”

i also need a place to stay some where."

Maud: “Should I stay, or should I go…” I’ve got ten bucks on “stay”.

Fallen Prime: I’ll lay down fifty on stay.

SC276: Sucker’s. Bet.

RJ: (singing) If I go there will be trouble, and if I stay it will be double.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Bunk with me! We’ll make cloud beards and take turns reading to Tank! Just be careful not to jump on the cloud parts; it’s a long fall.”

Chapter 6

Something: “The Undiscovered Country”.

Sigma: A much better movie that we’d all rather be watching right now? Yes please.

The first night i stayed at Applejacks farm i started there for obveious reasons,

SC276: How obvious were they?!

NaturalGlitch: “Now for my real mission—finding and wearing one of Apple Bloom’s bows.”

for starters i bumped into her first so i thought it would be comon sense,

NaturalGlitch: “I also felt a stirring in my loins when she kicked me.”

well at least that was how i was raised.

Maud: “You’re the first person I met, so I should stay at your place. Yes.”

RJ: Aw hell, he imprinted on someone already.

Cola: Now he’s going to be following AJ around all day long.

Scarlet: Chris is like an escort mission that lasts your entire life.

NaturalGlitch: And you can’t even send him to hide in trash cans.

i got up early about five in the morning not a problem for me,

Something: Please die of sleep deprivation.

Cola: It’s a problem for us. Sleep through the rest of the story.

but i think i was a little late i went to the barn where i met Applejack "Morning suger cube,

Something: What is “suger” and where are the plantations they come from. I wanna burn them all down.

Scarlet: It’s an Ancient Equestrian word for “fucking self-insert scrub”.

are you ready to work?"

NaturalGlitch: Did you know Lauren Faust wanted the ponies to ram their heads into the trees instead of kicking them? It was called “Apple Bumping.” Hopefully, this guy will try that instead.

she said in a cheerful tone. "as ever."

Something: You’ve been here ONE. DAY.

SC276: And a college student studying geek stuff before that, so I doubt you’re in shape.

saying with a smile. then she grinned and i think she blushed but i couldn't tell due to the early moring so there was barely any light.

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Oh poopy, I think I forgot to flush the toilet this morning.”

"So how hard can you kick?" she said with a small yawn.

Sigma: I can kick him hard enough that his testicles and eyeballs switch places.

SC276: So… to flip him upside down?

Sigma: No, just those, nothing else.

Cola: *sleazy voice* “You ever punch a guy so hard in the eye he swallowed it?”

"Kick, please applejack i knock these apples off in one punch."

Fallen Prime: Next segment’s him fucking up. Please.

NaturalGlitch: At least show that he’s weaker than a foal.

i said with a very excited tone. she giggled again, "well lets see those word some to action chris."

SC276: I’m not sure that’s an actual sentence.

she smiled and we both ran to the feilds to start work.

NaturalGlitch: You do know there’s more to do on an orchard farm than harvest apples, right? You could have him at least pick up the fallen rotten ones on the ground.

it has been a few hours and i actully proved her right although it hurt like a MOFO but i managed to suck it up.

Fallen Prime: Oh my god he’s doing it.
Something: Dying? PLEASE BE DYING.

Sigma: I second this motion.

SC276: Thirded like hell.

Topher: Fourth.

Cola: *eyes narrowed, she grinds her teeth* ‘Feilds’. ‘Actully’.

"Gee chris you showed me you have strength,"

NaturalGlitch: I’m going to assume he got this strength the same way Mario has freakish jumping and gymnastic abilities.

she was looking a me with her emerald green eyes, i look backed at her we stared at each other the i looked away to break the akward moment we both laughed,

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Rodeo-style hug coming at ya! (she snaps him in half accidentally) What was that loud crunching sound?”

but i thinking in my head, does applejack like me?

Fallen Prime: Oh my god they’re gonna do it.

Maud: I want to say “fuck no”, but, that’s just denial at this point. Also, can I just mention that this story is rated “M”?

Fallen Prime: You’re dead to me.

Cola: *shudders, a single tear rolling down her cheek*

RingmasterJ5: Aw, Maud, I wanted to leave that a surprise.. but on the other hand, there’s your warning, everyone.

SC276: Steven Universe needs to air more often again. I need more affirmation that love at first sight doesn’t exist before my reality warps more.

NaturalGlitch: Rated “M”, huh? Well, let’s check this handy-dandy guide for some information!

i was shocked at first without making the emotional expression i looked at her again,

NaturalGlitch: “The meds have finally kicked in.”

she look at me again,

SC276: ~Then I looked at her / And she looked at me / And I said, “Um, / I think you have something in your teeth…”~

"well is that all the chores applejack?" i look at her again with my infamous smirk

Something: ...I don’t think I’m gonna like this fic.

SC276: Took ya that long to figure that out?

Sigma: Is anyone else getting VERY annoyed by his claims of fame and infamy?

Fallen Prime: He doesn’t have lightning powers, does he?

i use in my world and now here. "Yes, thats pretty much.." but before applejack finished her sentence a crashing thud interupted her.

NaturalGlitch: [in the barn] “Cutie Mark Crusaders Backyard Wrestlers!”

"sounded like it came from the barn." she was suprised. "lets go find out."

Something: “Eh, nothing much. Big Mac’s probably just jerking off again.”

SC276: Anything to get away from the dumb romance.
NaturalGlitch: Did you know that stallions masturbate by flexing their squishy and bendable “part” to slap their stomach? Thank you, Dirty Jobs, for putting that in my head.

i shouted while running half way to the barn. by the time i was there tired and sweating,

NaturalGlitch: All his strength must be in his arms. I will imagine him as Wario from now on.

applejack was there with out a sweat. "MY BARN!" she screamed.

Sigma: Raze this barn! Raze this barn!
Something: With this fork!

SC276: “MY CABBAGES!”

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “It’s alive!”

As we see the remains all down in the ground

Something: “Big Mac! You are not allowed to jerk off ever again!”

NaturalGlitch: Also, the only soft spot of the hoof is a very small patch near the back called a frog. The rest is almost harder than steel...unless it’s been in water for too long.

we both saw rainbowdash on top of the rubble and she was hurt real bad

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “I got dust in my eyes!”

"I'll stay here, you call the others." applejack nodded and ran to get help i ran to rainbowdash and asked, "Are you ok rainbow dash!"

Sigma: “The realisation of what you’re in finally hit you, eh?”

Fallen Prime: [Derpy] “Anything I can do to help?”

"No, i think i broke my leg i cant move it."

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Go get my pet Tank; he’s a field medic! And he looks even more adorable in a lab coat.”

"can't move it eh,hold on i think its not broken." "What do you mean?"

Fallen Prime: What do you mean, what does she mean? She said it twice!

Topher: Well, her leg is broken. Anyone got a gun?

Cola: Dibs on the first bullet.

NaturalGlitch: To do what? Start the hurdle race?

she asked with confusion. "it's dislocated this happened to me a few times when i was younger."

SC276: You dislocated your bones multiple times?! Hopefully not all doing the same dumb thing!

Topher: Oh, definitely by doing the same dumb thing.

Scarlet: So this qualifies as the first moment of accurate characterization in the entire story then.

NaturalGlitch: “I am also an expert on magical talking equines.”

"Ok.." she looked at me with a glare. " Ok on the count of three... one... two...THREE!" i relocated her leg back to her flank or what ever bone that connects her leg, i wasn't very smart in biology.

Maud: Then why are you even trying? You might’ve just made it WORSE!

Sigma: AND WHO THE FUCK WAS TALKING? Honestly, I can’t tell with this writing.

SC276: I’d explain, but repeating that text would kill more brain cells than this fic already is.

NaturalGlitch: If the Cutie Mark Crusaders can be OK after being turned into taffy, I think Rainbow can survive this, especially since she nuked a barn by flying into it without so much as a scratch.

"Ouch!, that kind of stung but i'm ok" she says happily while she moves her leg back and forth, side to side.

Maud: ...or not, because fuck biology.
Something: He did say he wasn’t smart at it.

Topher: I’m sure we’ll get a very thorough lesson in fuck biology later.

NaturalGlitch: “With my trademark smirk, I begin to massage the bottom of her hoof. I woke up in a hospital bed two weeks later.”

by the time she got up applejack and the others got there "rainbow, your okay." said applejack

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “And here I brought in the hug squad.”

"Yea chris fixed my leg he said was dislocateioned..,"dislocated" i corrected her,"right dislocated."

NaturalGlitch: “Gesundheit.” “Salutations!” “I want my snacks.”

she said with a smile with a little red blush for i guess for emberisment

Something: Is that a rare disease where you catch fire for being embarrassed?

Cola: *shuts her eyes, a trickle of blood leaking from her nose* ‘Dislocateioned’! ‘Emberisment’!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “I don’t have time to combust; I have to go to my karate lessons!”

or i already have crush number 2,

Maud: Quite the lady’s man.

Sigma: Glimo you son of a bitch, is this a harem fic?

Fallen Prime: Oh my god I’m gonna kick you in the parents.
Something: I’m gonna need some pliers for what I’m gonna do to Glimglam.

SC276: Can’t these people settle for one bloody ship?!

Topher: Ready your sporks, lads! Today we go on the Glimglam witch hunt!

ill figure out one pitched in to rebuild the barn it took the rest of the day but i didn't mind.

SC276: “Probably would’ve been faster if the other Apples existed.”

NaturalGlitch: “All I did was close my eyes for the whole day, and when I opened them up—BOOM!—instant barn.”

later on pinkie pie threw a barn rebuilding party for a clebration.

Sigma: How is it already fixed?
Something: The magical healing power of bullshit.

Topher: That sounds sanitary.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “The power of lemon cake compels you!”

"Chris can i talk to you for a second" applejack wispered to me, "i just want to thank you, for your help no one couldn't know what happend to rainbow."

Fallen Prime: “We were TRYIN’ to cover it up, but then ya had to be a HERO...”

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I got to feel up her strong toned legs, so it was a win for me—I MEAN, um... Oopsie.”

"it was no problem i just knew what was wrong with her."

Something: “She’s in a bad fanfic.”

SC276: “Bit of an epidemic going around.”Cola: Wait, no, we’re in a bad fanfic. Wait, are we real? HELP.

i replied. "how?" she wondered." i asked what was wrong with her and thats how i found out."

NaturalGlitch: “She then did a hoofy kick to show she was OK. I had several heart attacks after that.”

"well thank you." she kissed me on the cheek,

Maud: Oh look guys, they did the thing.

Sigma: Glimo, don’t be alarmed, but I am going to rape you with a fork for this.

Topher: *pulls out a blowtorch* Want me to heat that up for you?

NaturalGlitch: ...how did she kiss him? Did she jump over three feet in the air? Is Chris really short?

then she blushed, i smilied then we just enjoied the party pinke pie threw.

Maud: Pinkie is the best at distance party throwing. What, you didn’t know? She threw one clear across Canterlot, that one time. Crazy stuff.

SC276: What happens if you put a party cannon in a party cannon?

Cola: *produces a thin, keening shriek as blood sprays from her nose* ‘Smilied’?! ‘Enjoied’?!

NaturalGlitch: “I have no idea how Pinkie picked up a whole party and tossed it, but my pants were too tight for me to think straight.”

Chapter 7

the next day arose

Fallen Prime: Can we still hope it stays at the day?

Sigma: Yeah, I don’t want to hear the details of Chris’ boner.

Topher: Believe me, at this point I think I can never get one again.

Cola: Yesterday adaisy, and Saturday aviolet.

looking back at applejack we both smiled and said good bye for now.

Something: “I’ll see you when you’re dead!”

SC276: Wait, we’re suddenly at tomorrow? What happened after the party? Does he just live in Applejack’s barn now? I took a quick nap and I’ve already forgotten everything.

i started walking to rainbow dashes house,

NaturalGlitch: “It’s a good thing I have this random racoon tail I found in a box.”

well under her house since i don't have wings, nor i had the ability to fly so i had to yell to call atention to rainbowdash "Hey dash whats up!" i yelled out.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “My house! And me. And my cutie Tankie—um, I mean, Tank.”

she saw me and flew down right infront of me whiping here mane out of her face

Fallen Prime: She whipes here mane back and forth.

Cola: I can think of something else that needs ‘whiping’. My ass, with this fic.

and replied "Hi chris thanks for fixing my leg the other day."

Something: “I sold it for ten bucks more than I would have gotten for it!”

"No problem." i told her with a smile "So what are we doing today?" i questioned her. "I have the day off today so... i have no work today."

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Let’s punch each other in the face until one of us says, ‘Stop punching me in the face.’ My turn!”

she grinned, "wanna race?" she asked without hessittation.

Fallen Prime: You just broke your damn fool leg.

Sigma: But she has wings, he doesn’t, and she’s the fastest in Equestria as far as I know.

SC276: Is it usual for Rainbow to challenge people that’re way out of her league in the negative direction?

NaturalGlitch: Nah. I bet she’s trying out a challenge, like running on one leg or using her ears to fly or something.

"i love to but i don't have wings nor i don't fly."

Something: Somewhere, far out in the galaxy, your first grade English teacher

weeps.

i replied "We can race on the ground." she remarked. i replied "well alrighty then where do we race?" "How about to sugar cube corner and back to my house."

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “One-two-three GO! (zips away, then runs back) I win! Now I owe you a cupcake.”

dash replied "alright, but no flying ok." i chuckled. we began the race, she was in the lead but I was catching up to her.

Maud: No, you’re not.

NaturalGlitch: “Rainbow Dash wanted to try to run on only two legs, but she decided to use her front ones.”

she looked back and started runing faster, i was running even faster than her

Maud: No you are not.

Fallen Prime: The broken leg, Kanzy.
Something: Guys, she’s runing, not running. There’s a difference.

Cola: The second n is totally like flame and stuff. Totally.

she was shocked and grew tired eventuly i made it to sugercube corner.

Maud: Hahahahaha no.

RingmasterJ5: no.

RJ: So. Much. NO.

SC276: You are a game and feature animation college student. There is no fucking way you’re that athletic.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash, smirking] “Oh no, I guess I lost. That means you have to buy me something from the store.”

I rested for a second then rainbow came she was restless. "Wow your fast."

Maud: I don’t normally indulge in this, but… *you’re.

SC276: Actually, he stole that fast from her.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “That’s the last time I try to run only using my tail.”

she said while catching her breath."i was in track and feild when i was in high school."

Fallen Prime: While studying games and animation. Suuuuure.

Sigma: Doc’s claims of track are more plausible than this. Doc’s.

SC276: Pretty much everyone in my high school was required to take P.E. courses, except for those whose parents somehow got an exception, which included me, so...

i too was catching my breath and we started off again this time I sprinted and i met her at the end. She was shocked. "How can you run so fast?" she asked with a shocking look. "well i used to run alot in high school."

SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “It was either learn how to run fast or get tied to the flagpole at school every day.”

"well i want you to help me with a trick." she said. "what kind of trick is it?"

Fallen Prime: “I’ll show you. Spread ‘em.”

Sigma: “Ever heard of anabolic steroids?”

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “I need to practice for a skip rope competition. I was hoping you’d be the rope.”

i asked while we both sat down under a tree.

SC276: The ground around Rainbow’s house has trees near it?

"Well…

Something: “There’s no trick. It just knows better.”

its called the twister." she said shyly.

Maud: So that’s what they’re calling it, these days.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “It’s when you spin your body around so fast your limbs twist in different directions. Now, hold still...”

"Well how does it go?" i asked.

SC276: “Well first we spread out this mat, then we spin this spinner and it says things like ‘Right Hoof Blue...’”

"Come closer," i came closer, "closer," she said again with a giggle,

Something: “And then she shoved some chloroform into my face.”

Topher: Ah, the ultimate pickup line. “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

NaturalGlitch: Rainbow takes off her mask to reveal she was Pinkie Pie the whole time. “What a twist!” she says. “Get it?”

i moved till we were face to face. "are you ready?" she asked. "well how does it go," i asked nervously.

SC276: Hopefully something like Carrie’s segment in “The Tape.” Which… might actually be in-character for Rainbow.

she started to kiss me,

NaturalGlitch: “She bites down on my bottom lip—hard—and yanks her head to the side, twisting my entire body around like a top on its side.”

i resisted a bit but then i just said fuck it let see where this goes.

Maud: HEY GUYS LOOK, MORE THINGS.

Sigma: With a fork, Glimo. With a fork.

Topher: *Lights blowtorch*

We were kissing for a few seconds then she was using her tounge,

Something: Tounge - A special kind of mace mostly used for testicle crushing.

she was leading our tounges to meet each other and then she broke the kiss,"well..." she said with a smile in her face, "Not bad, for a rookie like you."

Fallen Prime: I hate everything.
Maud: I love you, too.
Something: I don’t.

SC276: There’s individual kiss positions based on tongue interaction? That’s seems overly convoluted and unrealistic, even for this fic.

i said in amazement. "Rookie," she said with a wierd tone," I have been praticeing for weeks now."

Sigma: Does author not realise how sad that sounds?

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “I even drew a picture of you and stitched it to my kissing-practice pillow. Wanna see?”

but she looked away blushing, "Want to learn from a pro?" i offered her,

Sigma: I call bullshit.
Something: Bitch please. The only thing you’re a pro at is pissing me off.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I learned it from watching Dad and Mom going at it. They knew I was watching. They knew.”

she looked at me with her eyes widening "what do you know about kissing?" she questioned me.

Sigma: Yeah, making lips with your thumb and fingers doesn’t count, Chris.

Topher: Urge… to kill… rising...

"Come here and find out for yourself." i told her with a smile. she came back, we started kissing again, this time i took the lead and showed her how to properly kiss with the tounge.

NaturalGlitch: “Somehow their tongues got tied around each other. This is going to be one embarrassing trip to the hospital.”

Was four years worth of dating girls and kissing them to show a pony how to french kiss?, it totaly was.

Fallen Prime: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaag.
Something: ECH.

Sigma: I find this very implausible and would like to state that I also find it a bit disgusting.

SC276: And then Chris was Dr. Toadley- why am i comparing this to a good video game

NaturalGlitch: Who did he practice with—his sister?

she pulled back and was in amazement she looked at me blushing once more she looked at me and said with excitement "WOW, that was... really nice."

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Sorry I burped up the hay-fries into your mouth. I get nervous.”

she said from a yelling screech to a soft wisper like how fluttershy talks usally

Maud: Because every mare instantly becomes a Fluttershy when romance is involved.
Something: I don’t think this author has ever talked to a woman in his life.

Sigma: Tsundere mode, activate!

"Well i leared from the best." i remarked.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “My anime love pillow.”

I walked to sugarcube corner and walked with rainbowdash she was talking about the wonderbolts i was intrested that she met them and talked to them.

Fallen Prime: You’re a guy. I guarantee all you were doing was smiling and nodding politely.

Sigma: With one hand on the table and the other in your pants.

NaturalGlitch: Aww, I wanted to know more about the Wonderbolts...

when we reahed the shop, we saw pinkiepie outside watering the plants she looked at both of us and said "Whacha doing dashie and chrisie."

Something: “Plotting the genocide of griffons. How about you?”

Sigma: “Chrisie” sounds like a girl’s name. Not a dude’s nickname.
Cola: Maybe Pinkie can’t discern human genders?

Topher: She’ll learn the difference pretty fast if this goes where I think it’s going!

i was not really surprised that she called me that although i made a frown. "Awww lets turn that frown upiside by making cupcakes!"

NaturalGlitch: Remember when Cupcakes was the worst fanfic the fandom had ever written? Now it’s an all-out contest to see who can oneup each other. Bleg.

she started jumping happily.

SC276: If you’re going to write a terrible fanfic, at least put in all the words!

We walked into the kitchen dash,pinkie and I were starting to make cupcakes,

Something: (insert a series of obvious jokes about that one fic here)

Fallen Prime: Look, Something, there are things we’re above joking about...
Cola: We could not get lucky enough to have the MC murdered in this, could we?

rainbow was not great at baking just as i figured, i wasn't a perfect baker either but i was decent.

Maud: Because of course you were.

Sigma: The only thing he can bake is bullshit, and even that’s only half-baked.

Topher: *stops eating* Wait, this isn’t chocolate?

Cola: No, Topher, it’s...it’s chocolate, buddy. You’re doing the right thing.

Topher: *narrows eyes, but resumes eating*

About half an hour later we were finished

Something: Wow, that quick?

SC276: Must’ve been shortbread cookies or something?
Cola: Or a complete lack of knowledge about any aspect of baking?

"I think i'll go get some shut eye, i'll see you later chris." rainbow said.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Now to put on my Tank jammies and curl up with that Chrisie pillow.”

she look back at me smiling, she went home.

Fallen Prime: Without you? Damn, you got shut out.

Sigma: Fallen, even girlfriends wouldn’t want to wake up and see his face beside them.

Chapter 8

Something: I officially have no more sequel title jokes. Eh, I’ll save ‘em for next time.

Maud: Uhhh… “The Big Freeze”? Literally the only movie I know.

Sigma: My Life in MLP: Revelations.

After i saw rianbow

Something: Rianbow, son of Ryanbow.

dash fly off I didn't see pinkiepie jump right behind me, she knocked me down she was on top of me and shreiked

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “The dogs are after me! Hide me!”

"YAY you get to spend the day with me tomarrow!"

Fallen Prime: Let’s not talk about the marrow.
Something: But it’s my favorite drink!

I chuckled sure thing i'm kinda tired so good night we'll hang out tomarrow" i yawned.

Sigma: He ain’t the only one yawning...

i went up stairs lied on her bed and fell asleep.

SC276: OK, I have a distorted sense of time memory, but I’m pretty sure these days are going faster than days in 3D Legend of Zelda.

The next morning i felt a soft, sweet smelling blanket, but when I opened my eyes it was pinkiepie

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “You looked cold, so I became a blanket for you. Don’t ask.”

on top of me just staring at me when i was asleep.

Something: HEUGH.

RJ: (Pinkie Pie) I WATCHED YOU THE ENTIRE NIGHT.

"Morning sleepy head," she happily smiled at me. Rumors are true that her smell was cotton candy.

Fallen Prime: Rumors perpetuated by whom?

Sigma: 4chan.
Something: And Reddit probably helped.

Cola: “Boy, the drugs really work on you humans! Do you remember anything I did to you in the night at all?”

"You smell really nice." i said trying to wake up. "Your funny."

Something: I want to kill humor now. Who’s with me?

SC276: “What about my funny?”

smiled pinkie. "soooooooo...," i guessed " what are we doing today?"

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “Helping me find Gummy. (the toothless alligator is chomping down on her mane) Where is the little cutie?”

i aksed her while pushing her off my body.

Topher: Twenty bucks says sex. Kinky, sloppy, awkwardly written sex.

"Mr. and Mrs. cake are out of town so we have to run the sugercube corner for the day." she shouted. "Ok then not a problem." I said with a cheerful tone.

SC276: “I took maybe one semester at best of gaming - not even game design, gaming - and feature animation courses. I am totally qualified to co-run a bakery.”

NaturalGlitch: (shrugs) I guess he could reach stuff too high for Pinkie to get?

"what are we waitnig for then?" pinkie pie eyes widened "YIPPE!"

Fallen Prime: ...is that slang for something?

Sigma: It’s the trigger code to activate any nearby assassins. Hopefully, Chris will be dead within 5 minutes.

she shouted with glee. "Ok," she said, "We have to; make more cakes, make a wedding cake for the Harison wedding, make 10lbs of frosting, mop the floors,

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “—try not to eat the frosting, fail, make more frosting, fight off the cake monster...”

dust the cabenits, throw out the trash, and sell sell sell." "Is that it?" i wanted to know.

Something: “Nope! I’m gonna take measurements for your coffin after that!”

"thats on the cakes list, this is my list." i saw a scroll that rolled down to the other side of town.

Fallen Prime: I think you’re confusing Pinkie with Twilight.

Sigma: And I know it’s for comedic effect (and poorly), but did it just go through the wall or something?

SC276: Has the fic itself actually used an exclamation mark yet?

i fainted this was alot of todo things.

Something: Todo - The act of slowly cutting your penis into sushi.

Topher: I feel the urge to google that, but I know that nothing good can come of it.

A few hours later i was exausted i lied on pinkie's bed "sooo tired!" i moaned.

Fallen Prime: And that’s the first three yards of list rendered undoable now.

SC276: Chris, dude, the scene just cut to after. You didn’t actually do anything.

pinkiepie bursted through the door yelling in here typical voice,"hey why are you so tired chrise?"

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “All you did was sprinkle some sugar on the cupcakes. That was three hours ago.”

"i'm sorry pinkie, i don't have as much energy as you do."

RJ: Cocaine is a helluva drug.

i sighed. she sat next beside me. she put her hoof on my chest, i looked at my chest there was a slice of cake, "Eat it," she said in a serious voice.

Maud: We Cupcakes, now?

Sigma: We JUST discussed being above those jokes!

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “Maybe you’re too tired to eat. Don’t worry, I’ll chew on it for you and slide it in your mouth with my own.”

" i ate it, all of a sudden i felt weird and suddenly i had all this energy,"Oh my god!, i feel soo energtic, whats in this cake?" i asked her with so much enhuiasim. " Coffee, lots of coffee." she said

Something: “Also methamphetamine, but who’s paying attention?”

SC276: Literal coffee cake? Are you kidding me?

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “I also added something called ‘Red Bull’. “

happlily. all of sudden i lost concece.

Sigma: ...He lost what?
Something: Concece - “Genitals” in the language of fuckboys.

Topher: Do I want to know where you’re learning all this?

i woke up on the floor holding what suposably was alcohol in their world but was root beer in my world so i didn't feel hungover.

Fallen Prime: Bitch, don’t even front.

RJ: Son, you ain’t tryin’ then.

NaturalGlitch: Getting drunk off of Root Beer? ...I kinda like that idea. At least he didn’t use cider; that “joke” got old FAST.

i decided to just walk to the carosel boutiqe and knocked on the door

Sigma: Did he just ditch Pinkie?
Something: Stop asking questions you know will never be answered.

SC276: Where did she even go? How did she react to him blacking out? Why is this fic going so fast?!

Cola: This is like if you stuck three episode scripts in a blender and just glued it all together after.

"Come in." rareity said.

Fallen Prime: THAT won’t stop, will it.

Sigma: ...I’m still stunned by that spelling.

I walked in. "Hello rareity," i greeted her with intrest. "DARLING!" she yelled,

Something: “Stop spelling my name wrong!”

Cola: ‘Rareity’?!! Are you fucking shitting me?

NaturalGlitch: How is the spelling and grammar getting worse?

"Your cloths, there out... of style."I looked at my cloths

Something: “There were a lot of semen stains, but they weren’t really out of style.”

i had on was; my hoodie with makeshift hidden blades that i try to make my self thanks to welding and mechanic classes,

NaturalGlitch: PFFFFT-AHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Wait—you’re serious?!

the blades are sewed inside the sleves of the jacket.

Maud: Wait, never mind. We Assassin’s Creed, now.

Sigma: There’s no way he could go out in public with those. LOTS of places have metal detectors now.

SC276: One, semicolons only work when there are actually commas, and even then that’s shaky; and two, when did you take freakin’ metalshop? At the gaming and animation college?

the rest was some desent cargo pants and a tee shirt, also my backpack with my things. "well i won't argue but the jacket is fine." i said.

NaturalGlitch: You’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost a week. Just give it up already.

"True it can be the way it is, after all black is always in style." she looked at me while mesuring my height and length.

Fallen Prime: Please don’t share.

Sigma: 0.5 cm I’d bet

SC276: She also tried measuring his depth, only to find he was 2D.

NaturalGlitch: “—with her magic from a safe distance.”

Chapter 9

"Well then take them off." Rareity said. "I dont have extra cloths." i shrugged at rareity

Fallen Prime: Stop.
Something: This ain’t gonna end well.

Topher: I’ll get the popcorn!

Cola: Wait, seriously? We just jumped midscene into the next chapter?!

"I guess i can make you a quick outfit just to wear." She did a simple white tee shirt and a soft fabric pants.

NaturalGlitch: “It had the Cutie Mark Crusader’s symbol stitched into it; it was so sweet!”

I was about to walk in to here crative room, but she looked at me with a snare,"No peekin." she closed the door on me. i waited for about an hour,

SC276: After fifteen minutes, someone had set up a sideshow around him. Lyra was a frequent customer.

NaturalGlitch: Yep. She sat weird once, so that means she obsessed with humans and hands. I guess with that logic, Trixie has a human obsession because she’s the first pony to run on two legs.

then she came out "I need to do one more thing," she said look at my body. "Whats wrong?" i asked "i need to mesure...everything..."

Maud: “Because… reasons… totally innocent reasons…”

NaturalGlitch: No, you don’t, Rarity. Just use your magic on a measuring tape.

she looked at my pants. Useing her unicorn

Something: “She castrated me.”

she was pulling my pants down, but i held on to my pants.

Sigma: PANTS TO BE DARKENED!

"What are you doing!" i yelled at her. "I don't know, when i saw you with applejack, dashie,and pinkie i felt.. urges."

Fallen Prime: It astounds me that this isn’t a trollfic.

SC276: The urge to maim him? We’re all getting that.

Topher: I prefer the term ”extreme circumcision.”

NaturalGlitch: (tries not to barf) W-Well, at least she knows there’s a reason a hairless creature would wear clothes all the time...there’s that.

Her magic stoped. She started crying, "Don't leave me like this."

RJ: Honey, batteries are your friends.

NaturalGlitch: There’s batteries in Equestria? I also read that last line as, “Don’t write me like this.”

RJ: Do you want to bug your uber magic power friends to power ‘that’ on a cold, lonely night?

she looked down, i loooked down where she was looking at. She was looking at her pussy,

Sigma: Please be Opalescence.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “Oh, so their genitals magically appear when they’re in the mood. Also—AHHHHH!”

it was wet and hot with her juices

Sigma: If this was AJ, I could make an apple juice joke. But I can’t.

NaturalGlitch: Well, if somepony has to have a human obsession, it would be Rarity...I guess.

pouring our of her pussy.

Sigma: Fallen, get the sawblades.

Fallen Prime: Mine. Not sharing.
Maud: HEY GUYS, REMEMBER WHEN I SAID THIS WAS RATED “M”?

Sigma: Remember how I said WITH A FORK?
Something: (drives in with a forklift) GLIMGLAM YOUR TIME OF RECKONING IS HERE. HOW DO YOU PLEAD.
Maud: I plead the fifth.

Sigma: You’re Canadian. GUILTY!
Something: YOU ARE SENTENCED TO MAXIMUM FORKLIFT. (runs forklift straight into Glimo’s brain)

I sigh and spoke to while she was crying, " i won't have sex with you, but if.. I... I eat your pussy will you be happy?"

Sigma: Who do you fucking think you are, John Barrowman?
Something: Please. Adam Baldwin has more sexual charisma than this guy.

SC276: Your first reaction is to eat her out, and not, y’know, use your hands? This guy is messed up six ways to Sunday.

Cola: Mouth’s way better for that kind of work, trust me. Plus, he probably wanted to see what flavor she is.

SC276: Five bucks says marshmallow.

NaturalGlitch: ...(facepalms)

she looked up at me and stoped crying. She nodded.

NaturalGlitch: And like all HiE fanfics, Rarity is a total whore because she wears eyeliner and blinks at people. And now Chris is a total pig.

I put here on the couch i was sitting on. i opened her legs and saw it. It was wet all over i licked her cunt it was salty at first but then sweet,

Something: Is this a vagina or a Sour Patch Kid?

Sigma: Sour Patch Clits! Eat them out!

Cola: Wait, salty, though, so maybe Sour Pretzel Clits?

it tasted like an old girlfriend i had in the real world,

NaturalGlitch: ...this was inspired by Twi and Me, wasn’t it?

she was cute but we broke up because she had to move.

Maud: ...Good to know. I guess.

Sigma: I have better things to use brain cells on.

SC276: Couldn’t this have been brought up before? Maybe, if the author literally wasn’t making stuff up as he went.

Topher: “Yeah, she was totally real. you wouldn’t know her though, she lived in Canada, then she moved to Europe, but we had all kinds of sex, you know, with our genitals and stuff.”

Cola: *pictures author masturbating furiously while crying and dictating the story to his computer*

I started to eat her out, she was moaning like no tomarrow.

NaturalGlitch: Can you imagine how the others would feel about this total betrayal? And to be used as a tool just to be a means to an end... Well, if someone needed to be a tool, Chris sure fits the bill.

I started to notice her pearl white face was turning a bright roseish red,

SC276: Based on my limited knowledge of pony anatomy, I’m pretty sure it should be doing that before now.

"I-i can't hold it any more chris." she shouted panting. "hold what?"

Something: Pissonhisfacepissonhisfacepissonhisface-

SC276: If she tasted like his ex, he should know what’s coming up next.

Topehr: Broken promises and sadness?

i asked although i knew what was going to happen.

SC276: GODDAMMIT AUTHOR.

"I'm going to cum!" she shouted

Fallen Prime: Real ladylike.
Something: SHIT.

RingmasterJ5: Something, please don’t try to jinx it.

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “Hello, darling! Sorry I didn’t arrive at our appointment on time, but—what are you and that changeling doing?! So...vulgar!”

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" she came all over her chair, all of her clear hot juices although i didn't have sex with her i did kind of jizz in my pants.

Maud: PLEASE DON’T SHARE.

Fallen Prime: Suddenly, Lonely Island.

Sigma: That’s too good for this fic.

Cola: More like lonely author AMIRITE?

she walked to the room she showed me my cloths they were amazing.

Maud: ...That was abrupt.
Something: I’ve seen Youtube Poops that had better transitions.

"Ta-DA!" she yelled with a nervous face.

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “I finally finished it! Sorry it took so long. You even dozed off, mumbling something about a thing called...jizz, was it? What’s that?”

i looked at they were really cool i saw my oringinal outfit black assasin hoddie,

Something: Can I go dead now.

Sigma: We suffer together, bitch.

SC276: Why does he even have that?!

red shirt, and cargo pants. The other outifit was an awsome black jacket with multiple pockets and zippers,

Something: Oh my God Rarity is Rob Liefeld.

Sigma: She’s not an artist!

and deniem like pants that were baggy, and a tee shirt that had some degins on them. "Wow rareity, they look amazing, how can i repay you?" i said.

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “By letting my little darlings inside you hatch. You will suffer greatly. Toodles!”

"you already have." she started blushing again.

Fallen Prime: Eugh.

SC276: I don’t care what century or country you live in, sex acts are not legal currency.

Cola: *howls in fury* ‘Deniem’?! ‘Degins’? AND HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL RARITY?!

I put my new outfit on, it looked really awsome.

NaturalGlitch: “The knife I welded into the hoodie slides off of the mechanism, puncturing my eye, and I die on the floor like a rat.”

"Thank you rareity." i gave her a hug. "It was no problem, Dude." she atempted to sound like a bronie.

Maud: …”dude”?

Sigma: Hold on. How could she attempt to sound like a brony? Seriously.

I chukled a bit. "Do you mind if i stay here tonight?" I asked "Yes darling, i'll show to your spare room."

SC276: That means she does mind, which means no! That’s, like, elementary school! What is wrong with this author?!

NaturalGlitch: Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie wonders where Chris and all the cake went.

She gave me som pillows and a blanket, and i went to bed.

Something: “I never woke up again.”

Cola: That would be a really great ending.

Chapter 10

The next day I went to fluttershy's cottage,

Fallen Prime: Don’t.

Sigma: This is the part where twow kills us.
Maud: What do you mean, “us”? I hate guilt by association.

Sigma: You’ll be dead BEFORE that for other reasons, so don’t worry.

SC276: And the next target on America’s favorite game show, “Seduce ALL the Ponies,” is…!

since i knew i get startled so I knocked on the door softly.

SC276: You certainly weren’t startled at the prospect of eating out “Rareity” earlier.

NaturalGlitch: “Unfortunately, this is the one time Angel Bunny convince Fluttershy to hold a rave party in her cottage.”

She awnsered the door,"Who is it?" she said in soft, smooth voice.

Something: Fluttershy suddenly became Isaac Hayes. Again.

"It's me chris." i said in the calmest way i could say.

NaturalGlitch: “—into the megaphone I brought.”

She slamed the door open with her eyes widen, she also had a chessey grin.

Maud: Oh lord. Here we go.

Sigma: She’s gonna play chess with him?

Topher: Of course not! A human and a pony locked in a battle of wits, does that sound interesting at all?

She started talking as if she was pinkiepie

SC276: Wasn’t the first time she acted like that when she saw Spike in the first episode?

NaturalGlitch: Yep, and... Wait... Oh no!

"Oh my gosh its so nice to see you we have so much to do!" she smiled at me making a very cute squeaking noise.

Fallen Prime: I bet this bizarro Pinkie’s “squeak” is an MLG airhorn.

Sigma: *BWOOOOOM*

I laughed for a bit smiling back at her, " So what are we going to do today?" i asked smiling at her with my smirk.

RJ: (sarcastic) Oh, whatever are the possibilities?

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “The same thing we do every night, Chrisie—try to take over the world! ...by hugging one little critter at a time.”

"Follow me." she said. we walked to a cage that had a manticore, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" i shouted,

Jesus: Oh, what now?

"Why would you have one of those things?" i asked her with fear.

SC276: That is a very good question that will not get a satisfactory answer.

Topher: Because Fluttershy is Hagrid.

RJ: Fluttershy runs a weird fetish club on the side. … Well, she could.

NaturalGlitch: Chris found Fluttershy’s room of extreme knitting.

"It was injured when i found him so we have to give him some medicine ok." she said.

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “Now let’s go eat huh.”

"How do we give him medicine?" I asked. "We give him this peice of meat, i'll calm him down and you give the meat."

Something: ...CAN I DEAD NOW.
Maud: Not until he gives them the meat, first. :^)

RJ: I think a lot of meat is going to be given to more than one being.

SC276: Shove him in its mouth!

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “You don’t need both arms, right? (Bambi eyes are go!) Can you spare one?”

she explained while to calm me down. "Alright, lets get this out of the way." I sighed.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I’m new to the neighborhood, so, by law, I have to say—”

We walked to the cage and fluttershy did her part to calm down the manticore and i gave it the meat.

Sigma: He jerked it off?

Cola: No, no. He fucked it.

Sigma: Ohhhh.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I gave him one of my legs; I’m sure I didn’t need it.”

It started geting crazy,

Fallen Prime: Nice work, genius.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “—♫ but here’s my number / so call me, maybe♫.”

Fluttershy looked at the medicine it was an antioxident that increased its anger and stregnth

SC276: You’re only noticing that now?!

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “Maybe I shouldn’t have snorted it.”

"Chris, look out! He's going to attack!" "Oh shit!" I dodged the first swipe it did.

Maud: His +1 Baggy Pants of Dodging made this a snap, of course.

Topher: So that’s how Piccolo does it!

I didn't want to kill it, so I grabbed a log

SC276: Wait, are they inside Fluttershy’s house, or...? I’ve completely lost track.

Cola: I think he pooped himself and forgot to tell us.

RJ: It’s log! It’s better than bad; it’s good!

NaturalGlitch: He didn’t want to kill it? From what—laughter?

and hit it in the back of the head, it knocked the manticore down for a few seconds.

NaturalGlitch: “It was a hyper magic log that makes the user not be a total weakling.”

I ran to the door but the manticore got back but and grabbed my foot.

NaturalGlitch: “It’s a good thing I can regrow my limbs spontaneously.”

It turned me over and attacked me, it cut me on in the chest but it didn't damage the outfit rareity gave me.

Something: I’ve read Nicholas Sparks novels that weren’t this boring.

SC276: How the fuck did it damage his body without damaging his clothes in the process?!

Cola: Through the power of Shitty Writing!

I had kill the manticore,

Something: This fic makes it hard for me to not read it in a bad Russian accent.

before i went to fluttershy's cottage i asked twilight to make a copy of my assasin hoodie,

NaturalGlitch: BRAIN HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND MUST BE SHUT DOWN.

no question were asked,

Something: Except for “Can I kill you now?”

SC276: Stop making up everything as you go!

after I left I tore the hidden blades that were in the copy and put them the jacket that rareity gave me. i had to struggle out to activate the blades.

Fallen Prime: ...now I’m not so sure this isn’t trolling.

Sigma: I think the author’s too stupid to troll.
Maud: It’s Fanfiction.net. What do you expect?

Sigma: I don’t.

SC276: Y’know, you could’ve just been wearing the first outfit instead of going through this bullshit.

once I realesed my arms I used them and stabbed the manticore in the was shocked in horror and ran off to her home,

NaturalGlitch: [Manticore] “He stabbed me in the nipples with toothpicks! Just what the hell, man?!”

but the manticore died it made a finnal strike and knocked me to the other side of the cage. It was done, I killed my first creature in Equestria.

Sigma: “And it wasn’t even edible.”

RJ: “And now I will mount it.”

Topher: That can mean one of three things.

SC276: OK, I can’t tell if this is honestly attempting to use every bad HiE cliché on the Internet.

I limped all the way to Fluttershy's door i opened it, " I'm sorry." I wispered to her,I fell down and blacked out.

NaturalGlitch: Yay!~

I was waking up in fluttershy's bed.

SC276: Fast enough to not warrant a paragraph break.

Next to me was fluttershy curled up sleeping, the other ponies were also sleeping.

Something: ...NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

Cola: So, um, nope, then?

I sat up and pulled the cover off of me and I was covered in bandages I felt my ribs were broken so i coudn't move much,

NaturalGlitch: Why didn’t the Manticore use its scorpion tail and stab Chris? He would be dead now.

my backpack was on the nightstand. I took out a pen and my note book

Something: I thought you couldn’t move, you lying bag of plums.

Sigma: I feel like if Professor Plum were here he’d be insulted by that.

and started drawing for the next hour.

NaturalGlitch: “This caused me incredible pain; all my wounds opened up, and I died on the seat.”

It has been an hour I saw twilights eyes were opening up she saw me drawing "Your awake." she said happlily.

Fallen Prime: Oh my god, editors are people.
Maud: I wonder why they bother having the Beta Reader function on FF.net these days. It’s obviously not working.

SC276: I actually signed up for that for a bit, then I realized I didn’t really like reading over other people’s stuff for nothing. At least, not without being a snarky ass.

"What are you doing?" she asked while coming over to see the notebook. "What's that?" she asked.

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “What’s that? (looks around) What is that? Do you smell something burning?”

"Oh nothing, just a random drawing i drew while you guys were asleep." I replied.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “It’s my brain pattern.” [Twilight] “...it’s just random scribbles.”

The other started to wake up, "Chris your awake," Applejack said while yawning.

Something: “Great, now I owe Angel Bunny fifteen bucks.”

I tried to move but i couldn't move.

Something: CONTINUITY IS NOT A POLITE SUGGESTION.

SC276: To move and move but move or move...

NaturalGlitch: “I can’t move, but it’s a good thing I could move otherwise I couldn’t move, which I can’t.”

"Hold on chris, I think I have a spell that can heal you right up."

SC276: “That I couldn’t be bothered to use before you were conscious.”

Cola: To be fair, they were taking turns raping him in his unconscious state.

NaturalGlitch: Hopefully with an actual scythe.

Her unicorn was lighting up with her magic aura, I felt my ribs being heal along with the scratch marks and wounds.

NaturalGlitch: OK, I get that Twilight is pretty powerful, but when in canon did it ever state she could heal people? Isn’t that why there are doctors? Wouldn’t she have done this at ANY TIME when one of her friends were hurt?

I removed the bandages and the wounds were gone,"Twilight you did it!" I shouted in excitment.

Fallen Prime: Refresh my memory, but didn’t they have to manhandle Dash’s leg?

NaturalGlitch: “But why can’t I feel my...everything? Everything’s going...dark...”

I got up, I told the others it's time to go twilight's home to help her.

Something: Help her do what, rid the world of you? If so, wait for me.

SC276: What did he even draw? I’m honestly curious. You say you’re drawing and don’t show what it is? That’s just being a cocktease.

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “Why was I even in this story? I’m getting my agent, maybe he made a mistake.”

Chapter 11

Me and Twilight were walking down town,

SC276: Making my way downtown.

Topher: *plays piano*

I told her what happened when the manticore went berzerk.

NaturalGlitch: “—because of me. I’ll have to ask why there was medicine to do something so retarded later.”

I told her about the hidden blades and how my great great grandfather was an assasin he was part of the creed

Something: “He was the drummer!”

Sigma: So, this is basically the SHITTIEST Assassin’s Creed/MLP crossover ever.
Maud: What makes it better is that I bet this wasn’t even intentional. Unless the author is a troll, of course...

NaturalGlitch: “♫No good deed goes unpunished: That's my new creed~♫”

and how they used stealth and the hidden blades. "Is that why you made me make a copy of your jacket?" she asked, I nodded. "Wow, that is intresting."

SC276: “Stupid, but intresting.”

NaturalGlitch: Sure wish that was established BEFORE he went to Fluttershy’s cottage.

We arrived at the library, twilight was brewing a tea, i was looking at all the books

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Hmm... This one says that there’s going to be more porn on this show than literally any other thing ever, even from media that existed in the late 80s. What on Equestria is ‘porn’? Is it some kind of popcorn?”

I picked one out and sat down and tried to read it.

Something: “Wait a minute, I can’t read!”

SC276:

I didn't notice it at first but she was there smiling since i was reading.

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight, looking at some pictures] “Oh, Flash Sentry, you silly-billy!~ Who’s the cutest Pegasus ever? You are! (notices Chris and blushes) ...what?”

"what are you reading chris?" she asked

SC276: ...even though she can see the front cover.

"I don't really know, i tried reading some of it but my equestrian is realy bad."

Fallen Prime: “I ALWAYS fall off the horse.”
Maud: He actually spelled “Equestrian” correctly, for a change. I’m… not impressed,

but I’m slightly less irritated, now.

Sigma: Didn’t he say he MASTERED the alphabet earlier or something?

SC276: More or less; it was how he was able to read the note that came with the box that told him it was a portal.
Maud: Again, author, continuity is not a polite suggestion.

NaturalGlitch: If you can’t read Equestrian, then how are you speaking it?!

I told her while I was sqinting at the book. She giggled " Let me teach you." she smililed. She pulled out some wine and two glasses.

SC276: In order to learn a new language, you must first be drunk off your ass.

NaturalGlitch: ...this really is inspired by Twi and Me! And that “wine” is probably fruit punch.

By a few hours we finished the book, so we also had a few bottles of wine together.

Something: ...nothing will escape my wrath.

Topher: And then Chris died because of the iocane powder in the wine.

The book was about a pony and a griffen that fell in love. Random: yes,ironic: maybe.

Something: People will look to the sky and shout “save us.” And I will whisper “no.”

Fallen Prime: Fuck it, I wanna read Watchmen now.

Sigma: We’re not lucky enough to have good comics right now.

SC276: And we’d be hard-pressed to riff a comic in a Google Doc anyhow.

NaturalGlitch: Holy shit! This is ripped off directly from Twi and Me!! I even did a riff on it! What the fuck, man?!

"You know," twilight remarked, "you represent all the elements of harmony, your honest, generous, loyal,funny,kind and you have magic."

Something: WHEN IN THE FUCK DID HE GET MAGIC.
Maud: New Powers As The Plot Demands! Because fuck the readers.

Sigma: He has cock magic.

Topher: Same general principle as unicorn magic, but the horn is much lower.

NaturalGlitch: I...I guess being in Equestria, you absorb the magic? I-I don’t know anything anymore. Who am I?

she said smiling again. "I don't think I have magic twilight." "Well maybe you do you haven't found it yet." she looked at me blushing like all the other ponies.

SC276: Maybe the magic is that he’s a mare magnet.

NaturalGlitch: Well, even if Unicorns use their magic directly, all the ponies—and I’m sure every other denizen—has magic they use, so... (farts aggressively) Whatever.

We were both drunk, we got closer and I started to kiss her.

Something: ...I don’t like where this is going.

Sigma: I WAS KIDDING.

Cola: The story heard you through time and space, Sigma. It’s learning.

She was begining to be passinoite, I broke the kiss, "You know we all agreed to tell you this, but we all have a crush on you,"

Maud: It just wouldn’t be a shitty self-insert if they didn’t, right?

Fallen Prime: You’re fucking fired.

Sigma: Glimo, your list of crimes has now been expanded.

SC276: This reminds me of a crappy dating sim I played a… couple times...

NaturalGlitch: ...why?! Why do they all... WHY?!

she looked away, " Rainbow told me how you taught her how to kiss,rareity told me how you 'comfort' her."

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Even though you did take a pretty heavy nap at her place and licked one of her pillows...”

"Twilight..." I asked her,"yea,chris," she responded,"I think im going to stay."

Maud: Haaah. Called it.

Fallen Prime: Nice. We gettin’ so paid.

Twilight's eyes widen with excitement."Oh my clestia, you are!"

Something: bnhkujuy7vg,mkvfgnhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

SC276: Someone reboot Something.

she jumped with joy hopping all over the place. She jumped on top of me and kissed me all over my face .

NaturalGlitch: “—in the same style Woody Woodpecker laughs.”

I chuckled," I thin'k we had a little to much." I told her. "Yeah I think so to." We both cuddled together near the fire and fell asleep.

Something: The fire spread and no one survived THE END.
Maud: Happy end!

Sigma: Do you really think we’re that lucky?

The next day was the final day i stayed in ponyville, I told twilight that i am staying.

Fallen Prime: So it’s not your FINAL day.

SC276: “Screw the thousands of dollars my parents and/or myself invested in my higher education, PONY SEXY TIME.”

Topher: DAWN OF THE FINAL DAY, 12 HOURS REMAINING. Come on, someone had to say it.

I went down stairs and saw the Mane 6 all dressed up in their outfits that they were wearing for the grand galloping galla.

NaturalGlitch: “It’s a good thing I packed my dress too.”

"Whats going on?" i asked "didn't you read the back of the note." twilight remarked

SC276: They always get you with that.

I grabbed the note and looked at the back of the note. Twilight was nice enough to translate the rest of the note, "If you decide to stay, you must choose a wife/husband who has one of the elements of harmoney."

Something: SOMEONE DEAD ME NOW.
Maud: Well, uh… at least it’s… not a harem fic? Yet?

Sigma: Bullshit, it is and it sucks.

RingmasterJ5: ...Wait, husband? I mean, yay equality and all, but… a male with the Elements is not exactly something that exists in Equestria.

Sigma: Also, are we just gonna ignore the fact that this is a shitty dating game premise? Get a waifu in thirty days or bad end?

SC276: Are you kidding me? Are you bleeping kidding me? And I thought the text was on the box, where did the note come from?! Besides, a decent dating sim would’ve trimmed some of the branches by now!

I looked up at the ponies, "Well who is going to be?" asked fluttershy.

SC276: He killed a manticore you were keeping, why the fuck are you of all ponies interested?!

Topher: That corpse proved useful in decorating her shed.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I choose Sunset Shimmer! Wait, no—Moondancer! Um... Trixie? Lightning Dust? No, wait, Gilda; that’s the one.”

"I need time to think." I walked to the door but I was blocked by all of them. "Its now or never." rareity remarked. "

NaturalGlitch: Since you more or less assaulted Rarity, you might as well pick her.

Look I just need space to think."

Fallen Prime: They never saw him again. Please.

I walked away again, then rainbowdash grabbed my arm, "He's mine!", twilight grabbed my other arm "No he's mine!", then the rest followed.

NaturalGlitch: I’m so glad the show will never resort to this stupid plotline from 80s sitcom shows.

I was stretched out while i heard arguments surrounding me.

Fallen Prime: Because friendship.

Sigma: This fic is offensive.

SC276: What are they, six?

Cola: Could we get lucky enough that they tear him limb from limb?

Topher: Well, I would have liked him drawn as well, but I’ll settle for just quartered.

"STOOPP!" I shouted. They dropped me. I was about to go out the door. " Chris.." applejack whispered to me "I'm sorry applejack I need to go." I ran off.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I haven’t used the bathroom since I got here.”

"But...," then applejack said in a very quiet "I love you." her eyes were about to tear.

Something: Fic, please turn into Event Horizon. I will love you if you do.

NaturalGlitch: Just don’t do the demonic and bloody orgy scene, please.

Chapter 12

I just kept running until i couldn't see ponyville.

NaturalGlitch: “I ran around with my eyes closed, crashing into random objects.”

I then just started walking "What am I going to do?" i asked my self. if I choose one then i break the others hearts.

SC276: Well the obvious solution then is to go back home and forget it ever happened. Like we certainly will.

I took out my ipod and started to listened to music, for some reason i didn't know how it fit into the situation but one song described the entire thing.

NaturalGlitch: “♫Whoa, Black Betty, bam-a-lam; Whoa, Black Betty, bam-a-lam!♫”

I forgot the name of the song but I didn't bother to look at the name.

Fallen Prime: This is the most fitting song in the world... tribute.

SC276: That just proves there’s no song fitting this situation.

As I walked deeper into the everfree forest,

NaturalGlitch: Would people please not wander into that forest? Please?!

smoke was forming around my body, then I heard an evil chaotic laugh was surounding the area.

RJ: Snoop Dogg? Is that you?

NaturalGlitch: No; it’s Snoop Lion.

" Well what do we have here a lost creature in love with a pony I see." a dark figure was infront of me. "Discord what not a surprise."

Something: Remember when Discord was cool? That was a more innocent time.

Fallen Prime: He’s still awesome. Just not in this fic.

SC276: Was this released before season 3 where he started being good? Because otherwise this will just turn off Fluttershy more.

NaturalGlitch: Please blink Chris out of existence. Or shove him into another dimension.

I told him with an anger tone.

Sigma: Woah nelly, an anger tone? Those’re some strong words there, boy.

RingmasterJ5: It’s like a dial tone, just louder.

Topher: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

"Ah I see you understand the way of chaos." he smililed evilly,

NaturalGlitch: “—while wearing his own Gala dress.”

"Chris where are you?" I heard the mane 6 looking for me. "Well well well, let me take care of them." he laughed maniacally and started to form into my body,

Something: “Goddamn, your dick is tiny!”

NaturalGlitch: “When was the last time you bathed?”

but instead of brown eyes he had an evil satan like red eyes with black pupils.

Sigma: Jesus Christ this is so dumb.

SC276: Not even the sort of dumb that could pass as good to the right crowd.

NaturalGlitch: (almost falls out of his chair laughing)

" don't worry i'll break it to them cruelly." his voice startd to change into mine. "Chris, why are there two of you?" Questioned twilight.

NaturalGlitch: Because it’s the only way he could be dumber.

Discord pushed me into the bushes.

RJ: “IGNORE THAT.”

"What do you mean egghead." "What, why are you so mean." twilight said.

Something: Said with all the passion of me talking about the Batman v. Superman

trailer.

NaturalGlitch: It’s REALLY difficult to not make The Room reference, but I’m going to try.

"Yea I said it," again in my voice,"twi, your an egghead, fluttershy your unwanted, rareity your degins are horrible, rainbow dash your too proud of your self just fly away rainbowCRASH,

Something: That’s as original as “yo mamma” jokes.

SC276: Which is probably why they don’t suspect it’s Discord.

and applejack, I heard what you said I don't!"

NaturalGlitch: ...what?

Thats when it hit applejack she bursted out crying,"Why are you soo mean now!"

Fallen Prime: “Because the plot said so, cunts!”

SC276: And sadly, that’s a pretty legitimate response.

rainbowdash yelled at the disguised discord. "Because that is not me!" I came out of the tree pouncing on discord.

NaturalGlitch: “I tried to hide the boner this situation was giving me.”

I punched him multiple times before he pushed me back,we started fighting,

NaturalGlitch: [Chris, slapping the air] “I’ll~ harm~ you!~”

he was dodgeing all my punches "I know your every move." he told me.

Sigma: “You might know everything I'm going to do, but that's not going to help you, since I know everything YOU'RE going to do! STRANGE, isn't it?!”

I tried an uppercut, he grabbed my arm and flipped me over. I quickly got up he formed a shawdow blade

Something: That’s OP as fuck, bro.

NaturalGlitch: “—and not in his hand.”

and charged at me " its on!"

Something: Wake me up when something disgusting happens. (falls asleep)

SC276: Get up. The whole fic is disgusting.

with no reaction i activated my hidden blades and charged at him.

NaturalGlitch: Why don’t you shoot lightsabers out of your nipples while you’re at it.

I jumped and we both stabbed each other. We both looked down we were both puntured in the stomach " Remember who's the one with magic" he smiled eivily again we pulled out our wepons

Maud: John Freeman, is that you?

Topher: Please don’t remind me of the good bad stories i could be reading.

and looked at our wounds. Discords wound healed fully in no time, while my wound was bleeding out

NaturalGlitch: “—♫as Discord dug his sword in deeper, just to throw it away!♫”

I fell to my knees and fell to the ground. "No!" applejack and the others cried. "I win!" shouted discord. "you can't stop me!" he laughed maniacly.

Maud: Oh no. What shall we ever do. Ahhhh.

Sigma: Stop, don’t, come back.

SC276: Help. Police. Murder.

Topher: “If only we had a unicorn who knew a magic bullshit spell that cured all wounds. A unicorn within ten feet of me. Purple for preference. Yep, that sure would be great.”

Applejack broke down in tears.

NaturalGlitch: So...why didn’t they gather the elements of harmony?

Then with out knowing it I felt a rush I rose up and everypony saw including applejack,

Something: I think I know who the waifu is gonna be.

Sigma: You thought you knew who the waifu would be. But instead it is ME, DIO

BRANDO!

I opened my eyes and i was wearing my great great grandfather's assasin outfit with all the wepons he owned.

SC276: ...OK, I think we just took a right turn into that machine from Assassin’s Creed.

NaturalGlitch: Oh, go fuck off and die, fanfic.

I pulled out my sword and said to discord "Lets dance."

Cola: Let’s not.

SC276: I don’t dance on the first date.

Topher: “It’s just a jump to the left!”

He pulled out his shadow blade before he struck, I attacked faster than he can cause chaos.

SC276: You are most certainly causing chaos faster than him with this typesmanship.

I finnaly stabbed him with my hidden blade sharper and with anti-magic poisin for some reason.

Fallen Prime: Oh my god, the story can’t even make excuses for itself.
Something: Someone please just dead me

RJ: Ah reason. When you need a reason.

NaturalGlitch: I was expecting him to spell “reason” as “raison." Huh.

"Rest in peace fucker." I wispered in his ear. He fell down and died, " and stay dead." I yelled at him.

Maud: ...He killed Discord. He just straight up butchered him. YOU KNOW, FOR KIDS!
Something: Silly Glimglam, fanfiction isn’t for kids! It’s for… I dunno who it’s for, actually. I’d probably be better off not knowing.

Sigma: It’s for no one. Also, I’d take less issue with that he killed someone and he killed DISCORD. SPIRIT OF CHAOS.

I turned back to normal with the wound in my stomach, "twilight hurry!" I demanded.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “Just stand there and do nothing with the rest of your friends!”

Without hessitation she casted her spell and I felt better than ever.

SC276: While we feel worse than ever.

"Well now thats over I finally chosen my wife." they all grouped together. I sighed " I choose..."

RJ: “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, pick a waifu by the toe…”

everypony eyesclosed, "Applejack."

Something: Wow. How shocking. This was totally a surprise.

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] But... But... I gave you my first... (sobs violently and runs off)”

She looked up and she was crying again but with tears of joy. "I heard what you said before I left and, I love you too." I hugged her, we both kissed with passion.

Something: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Maud: Absolutely riveting.

Topher: Oh, just BANG ALREADY!

NaturalGlitch: Please no.

Chapter 13

We were at applejacks farm, I was there under an archway with a tuxedo on.

Fallen Prime: Scene transition, or moving too fast? YOU decide!

Sigma: Why not both? Because it is.

Cola: It’s not even a well-formed turd.

NaturalGlitch: (spits out drink) Where did this can even come from?!

I saw applejack with a wedding gown that rareity made for this day. She was next to me "You looked beautiful."

Something: “Sentence structure is for losers!”
Maud: Oh, so she looked good before, but doesn’t look good now? Not something a woman wants to hear at her wedding, guy.

I told her with a gentile smile.

SC276: It was made of granite, I think.

Topher: Thank you for specifying that it was NOT a jewish wedding. We needed to know that.

RJ: (yiddish) We go all mishugana with the Chuppah and everything and NOW we’re going goyish for this maven? FEH!

She was smiling as well "you look amazing too."

NaturalGlitch: That’s when her smile bent, looking...defiled. “Amazingly awful!” she says, cackling. The illusion slowly breaks down, and I find myself about to marry a Changeling.

she also smililed After the wedding ceremony. we were dancing like no tomarrow.

SC276: Much like how this fic has no future.

" I'm really happy for you two." twilight told us while in our table along with the other ponies. Later on that night me and applejack were in bed, cloths all over the floor.

NaturalGlitch: “♫Walking the dinosaur!♫”

"Wow you were amazing chris." "you were too applejack."

Fallen Prime: “Just... fewer ropes next time?”
Maud: “Fine, but I get to be on top!

Topher: “Man, I love bunk beds!”

we both kissed again. The next day I blindfolded applejack and untied the blindfold "Well what do you think?"

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “Why are you on the floor, bellowing out deep sobs of total failure?”

I showed her a brand new home that was built by my own two hands.

Something: “But built with my own two testicles!”

SC276: Stop! Making! Up! Everything! As you go!

"Oh my it's beatiful chris, I love it." she shouted with glee. "I love you applejack and I always will no matter what happens i'll be by your side."

Sigma: Then they all died.
Something: And there was much rejoicing.

Topher: yaaaaaaay.

NaturalGlitch: “Then the volcano—who laid dormant for hundreds of years—woke up by hearing the toilet water called our dialog. It decided to do the right thing and erupted, engulfing us in liquid fire.”

The End.

RingmasterJ5: And now for… well, I’m not sure what to call this. I’m still not even sure if it’s really that riffable because of how incomprehensible it is, but the sheer fucking insanity of it all(and sending bits and pieces of it to a few other riffers) has made me decide to put it up anyway. I believe Maud’s the only one here besides me who’s read the thing in its entirety, and he had quite the reaction. Maud?
Maud: Oh, one does not simply “read” this story. One experiences this story. It’s… special. It’s very special, indeed. You thought the story before this was wonderful? Just wait until you get a load of this one. For better or worse, it will change your life.

RingmasterJ5: The best part? I’ve tried to track down everything about this author that I could to confirm if he’s a troll or not, and from everything I could find on him… he isn’t. What you’re about to read is the actual attempt of someone with the writing capabilities of a mentally challenged toddler to write a self-insert MLP fanfiction, and it’s just as horrible as it sounds. Enjoy.
Something: NOPE! I’m done. See you all next time, one piece of fuck is enough. (flies away on a xenomorph powered by rainbows)

Sigma: Get back here, you god damn pansy.

Chapter 0 The Search of Equestia

Maud: ...Equestia. E”quest”ia. Let that set the tone.

Cola: The anger tone.

Sigma: Glimo, why is it that none of these idiots you find can spell Equestria?

RingmasterJ5: Hey, I was the one who found this second fic.

Sigma: Is that so? I’m gonna need more forks.

Crazy56U: (comes back) So, how much did I mi- what.

My story begin with a 16 year old boy the boy name is David and I have crap live nobody want to be friend and the school year wasn't best at the time after was over I walked home when I got home my uncle came over hi David how was your day?

Sigma: ...Oh. This is gonna be one of those days, isn’t it.
Something: Where you don’t wanna wake up? (flies away for realsies this time)
Maud: You can check-out anytime you want, but you can never leave…

SC276: Already I want to kill someone.

Crazy56U: I… I feel like I made a mistake coming back...

said Uncle not good uncle said David Uncle said oh yeah your Aunt want to send is to you he give a piece of paper here David said Uncle David look at the piece of paper all it send Dear Princess C I'm writing to this because I learn more about Friendship to my Friends and then it had a list of Names.

Sigma: ...The author must be pregnant, because there ain’t a period in sight.

Cola: What is this godforsaken casserole of nonsense?

RJ: “Uncle, shouldn’t we give this list back to Mr. Schindler?”

Crazy56U: This is reading like the author did a line of coke and is speaking really fucking fast.

but the piece of paper kinda some of the name are cross out in some of the name: List of Names J..k Ra..B.w D..h .rs.. R. Pi. .e Your favourite student Tiwil..t Spa..ie

RingmasterJ5: Oh, so THAT’S where they all went.

Topher: Gee, I wonder who that could be?

Okay They are kind of weird names oh wait a minute they sound like oh David dinner ready said Uncle coming David said.

Maud: Reminder: A human being wrote this. Someone literally sat down, typed this out, then looked at it and said, “Yeah, this is alright. Posting!”

Crazy56U: I refuse to believe this person is human.

end of chapter 0

Maud: Good to know.

SC276: This entire fic is a fucking zero.

Crazy56U: That was not a chapter. That was three long run-on sentences with no sense of rationality...

Chapter 1 PonyVille?

Maud: Fingers crossed that it has nothing to do with FarmVille.

SC276: Actually, inclusion of FarmVille can only help at this point.

Topher: That says SO MUCH MORE than any review could say.

After we had dinner Uncle said David I know Life suck

Sigma: Is Life this fic? Because if so, it indeed sucks.

SC276: So, is Uncle like Uncle from Jackie Chan, or…?

Cola: Is this goddamned Flowers for Algernon? What in the actual shit is this?!

Crazy56U: Okay, I never had Life cereal, but it can’t be that bad...

but one of the day are not bad Uncle said David said thank Uncle I smile to Uncle ok Uncle I'm going to bed goodnight David said Uncle said yeah goodnight Uncle

SC276: OK, author, if you are capable of using the Shift key, you are capable of using periods.

Crazy56U: C’mon, he can’t do both, what do you take him for?

when I got upstairs I heard a noise was in my room I check I saw a pink pony after a open the door the pink pony is gone I think to mind self who the hell was pink pony

SC276: Who was phone?

Crazy56U: What is life?

want I check to see if steal anything from my room but I found a Muffin? how weird

SC276: Yeah, Pinkie’s more of a cupcake mare.

Topher: Muffin button.

Crazy56U: “A ‘Muffin’? I thought those were only a myth!!”

ok I got in to bed and gone to sleep today it was a Saturday I was yay a Saturday

SC276: We were boo a fanfic.

Crazy56U: I feel like 5 days passed since the start of this “story”. I can’t be the only one to feel this way, right?

I walk to the bathroom to have shower and then after did that I got change to my clothes I walk downstairs to see uncle when to work so I think ok tried to find that pink pony before I did I have breakfast.

SC276: There is no way this guy is a native English speaker. We would’ve hit misspellings by now if that were the case. Who else thinks this guy put it through Google Translate first?

Topher: Only if he put it thut it through veitnamese to german to portugese to mandarin to arabic to swahili to english.

After about hour I found a sign saying PonyVille? I was like OMG I didn't think it was real

SC276: Well you’re not real.

Topher: None of this is real. *ominous music*

Crazy56U: God, I wish that were the case...

I ran back and pack stuff in my backpack like food, drink and a weapon medium knife I only use the medium knife if I got my self in trouble.

SC276: It’s amazing how many knives show up in all these HiE fanfics. Is it on the cliché list yet?

RingmasterJ5: He would’ve got the large, but the medium came with a free side of fries.

Topher: If you go super size you get a greatsword.

Crazy56U: When in doubt, cut a bitch.

I wrote a letter to Uncle I left it on the kitchen table so I think I leave 9:00 PM after time were bye I was at the place with the sigh saying PonyVille and then I see the pink pony and rainbow pony so I think oh shhhh to my self after they leave the portal they normally walk out of the place. how the Hell I'm going to get in there with out getting caught?ah the piece of paper ok the name um it kinda hard steel. oh they are back with the pink pony Muffin? he my change only had 10 second to get in the portal here I go end of chapter 1

SC276: ...OK, I’ve completely lost track of the plot. Something about Pinkie and Rainbow and… signs or something? Augh, it can’t be a seven-year-old that wrote it, half the words would be misspelled then.

RingmasterJ5: What about a 6-year-old with a really good spellcheck program?

SC276: Fanfic writers, use spellcheck? Have you seen the last fic?

RingmasterJ5: ...Point taken.

Cola: Wait! I understand now. I understand. This was the rough draft of the previous fic. That’s the only explanation I’m willing to live with, because if two different people can write shit this fucking incoherent then no, no, the world is not a place I’m willing to live any more.

Crazy56U: All I know is that I’m lost, scared, and confused. Mostly scared.

Chapter 2 Into the Portal

SC276: I’d rather go Out of the Woods.

Cola: I’d rather go play Portal.

Topher: I’d rather go fornicate with a cactus.

Crazy56U: I’m all in favor for crying myself to sleep...

when I enter the portal was in a forest but in was morning? I said to myself who the hell could it be morning

SC276: The Queen of Day?

Crazy56U: Okay, you don’t believe muffins exist and now you don’t know how day and night work?

ok first tried to go north but I find a enemy near me so I got out my knife the enemy look like cinema

SC276: So, it looks like a movie monster?

RingmasterJ5: No, it’s a giant evil movie theater, where the only showings are of The Room and Birdemic II.

Topher: Not gonna lie, that sounds like fun. Bring your own spoons and I’ll spring for popcorn!

Crazy56U: Someone call the CinemaSins guy!

ouch huh what hit me I was knock out for about 3 hour I woke up in a hospital

SC276: Knocked out in the forest, wake up in the hospital? I’m pretty sure the most likely explanation is that he’s having a dying fever dream.

Crazy56U: ...is this turning into “Jacob’s Ladder”?

is he going to wake now? hey are you waking up I look around and found to 2 ponies talking to me?

SC276: OK, author, if you are capable of using the Shift key, you are capable of using quotation marks.

Cola: The questions asked here are entrancing and compelling! Is he going to wake now? Are you waking up? I look around and found to 2 ponies talking to me?

Crazy56U: The narration has dissociative identity disorder.

I'm crazy but are pony talking to me said David the 2 ponies response no your were surprise but any how doe you get to Equestia wait a minute forget to ask your name what your name said one of the pony I'm name is David said David

SC276: (bad redneck impression) Mah name is stupid said stupid.

I when through a Portal.

SC276: Then came out the orange one.

Topher: A portle meant only for ponees to get into our world so they ca pretend to be non speakers and watch us secretly.

wait where my backpack oh there it is I open the bag a look at the piece of paper and then both the ponies asked me what is that you got in your hand I said a piece of paper

SC276: Here’s your sign!

with list of names an said the list of names J..k RainBow D..h .rs.. R. Pinkie p.e Your favourite student Tiwil..t Spa..ie so I read the bit at the back of the piece of paper it said Dear son I'm sorry to leave I should been a better dad I wish I could on back in time to stop the abuse on you son I hope read is because I'm dead Signed Dad

SC276: OK wait, pony hit list and then it’s suddenly from his dad? W...What? I seriously can’t figure out what the fuck is going on here.

RingmasterJ5: Hold on, abuse? This story just got kinda dark all of a- it’s never mentioned again? Great…

Cola: No, wait, I get it now! This is an homage to Kite Runner!

Crazy56U: Oh God, I don’t like the implications of that, given what happens in Kite Runner...

I cried in the hospital bed I know Dad I said to myself an then both of the ponies are you alright? David said yes fine sorry I was to my past it sad the doctor came in through the door said to me ah Mr. David you look seem look healthy no illness

SC276: Despite being whacked by an evil movie theater in the middle of the Everfree.

Crazy56U: And despite the way you write.

said the Doctor and David said thank you. Doctor said it time you should going and meet the two Princesses to David I would go tell Princess Celestia and Princess Luna you are in Equestia. David said to himself Princess Celestia? and Princess Luna? Equestia?

SC276: Metal Gear?

Topher: Rosebud?

Crazy56U: (Dean Winchester impersonation) SAMMY?!

End of Chapter 2

Chapter 3 In PonyVille after I left the hospital everypony on at me I ask one pony excuse me where can I find two Princesses

SC276: And he didn’t ask this question of the doctor or the two ponies with him, why now?

Crazy56U: Because brain trauma.

the pony said you can find her at Canterlot I said to the pony thanks I said to myself ok where is Canterlot maybe in PonyVille or in the sky or maybe in the near huge mountain I'm confused

SC276: Ain’t just you, brother.

Crazy56U: Same.

I started walking down PonyVille I saw the chimera again

RingmasterJ5: Wait, again? What do you- oh, right, this must have been the “cinema” from before. Autocorrect, away!

SC276: Great, the evil movie theater mutated. Now it’s showing Cutthroat Island.

Crazy56U: Well, someone needs to tell it to cut it out. ZING

I shout to the chimera I ran to monster before I got there it gone what the hell?

SC276: That’s what we’ve been asking!

ah damn it wait a hear voice HEY GET OUT OF THE WAY I look up but it was to late something knock me on the floor

SC276: Please splat, please splat, please splat...

I look around to see a rainbow pony I said to her hey are you alright

SC276: DAMMIT!

she response yeah I ok hey your not around here who are you she Said Dash Said my name is David what your name? rainbow pony said to David my name Rainbow Dash the best Pony in Equestia and the fastest.

RingmasterJ5: In Equestia. In Equestria, on the other hand, this one set world records for slow- goddamnit he actually got the name right, there goes that joke.

Cola: This is like a Dick and Jane book had a child with My Little Dashie.

Crazy56U: ...is it sad that I just now realized his name is David?

I asked Dash do you know where Canterlot is? she said canterlot is on the side of the huge mountain have yeah bring sleeping under a rock.

SC276: He will be after we drop a boulder on him.

David said sorry I'm new here Dash said to David yeah was only joking she smile to me oh no I'm going to late see ya late David said Dash David said yeah see ya later I guess. She remind me of the PE Teacher good time with him because I like PE said David in His mind

SC276: Great, we’re getting God’s perspective now.

Cola: There is no god, SC. There is no fucking god. We are reading the proof.

Crazy56U: God is dead, and the author has killed him.

ok first I would some of my food I open the bag and take out my sandwich ah cheese and ham sandwich ah my favourite sandwich

SC276: Sandwich sandwich sandwich, sandwich sandwich? Sandwich, sandwich!

Crazy56U: BURGER

after ate my a bit of my sandwich to find the path to get to the mountain

RJ: Watch out for snakes!

Topher: Isn’t this how Lord of the Rings started?

Crazy56U: No, I think this is how “It’s a Dangerous Business” started...

end of Chatper 3

Chatper 4 Discord?

SC276: No wait, it’s just the lamp. False alarm.

Crazy56U: Discord caused this story to exist. That is the only logical explanation.

after leaving PonyVille I walk north to the location I near to get to ok I found the chimera well well who I got here?

SC276: Tickets are now $9.45.

RingmasterJ5: And now all it’s showing is Manos: The Hands of Fate… unriffed.

Crazy56U: (begins sobbing openly)

you boy what your name

SC276: What you say?

Said chimera my name is David and your name my name is Discord the ruler of Chao

SC276: So Equestia is a Chao garden, apparently?

RingmasterJ5: Goddamnit, am I going to have to waste another ten hours trying to create the perfect racer again?

Crazy56U: And then Sonic rushed in and bicycle-kicked Discord in the face.

I when I look you David I think should be Evil with me David said sorry Discord I don't want to be Evil Discord response back to David one day you will be Evil join me to make this world into Chao

SC276: Join me and together, we will bring adorable water pets to the galaxy.

RingmasterJ5: Hell, it’s probably a more noble goal than… whatever David’s trying to do.

Crazy56U: THERE’S AN “S” IN CHAOS, YOU IDIOT

somepony was in the air HEY DAVID Rainbow Dash shouted Discord said I will see you again David and then Discord Teleport away Hi David how are you said Rainbow Dash

SC276: Having missed the discussion with the visible mishsmash of parts that… used to be a movie theater?

Cola: That makes as much sense as anything else here.

Crazy56U: That is to say none at all.

David response back I fine I'm going the right way? said David Rainbow Dash response to David I think your going the wrong I can't remember said Rainbow Dash with a sad face on her David

SC276: I don’t want to know which part of the body is the David.

Crazy56U: My guess? The ass. ZING

said hey Dash don't be sad ok I smile to Dash and then rainbow dash kiss me on the cheek then said to me I love you

SC276: You’ve literally known each other for two minutes, tops.

Topher: Disney movies are telling you to take it slow!

Crazy56U: It’s been two minutes, it feels like days… My sense of time is gone now...

and she said see ya again ok and she smile back at me of I almost forget you should ask Twilight Sparkle ok response back to Dash where can I find Twilight and Dash response back in the huge Tree it in PonyVille

SC276: First go see the princesses because reasons, then go see Twilight because reasons. And it’s a good thing you specified Twilight Sparkle, or otherwise he would’ve thought to walk into Discord.

and then Dash said see ya later right again? David said yeah ok see ya later Rainbow fly away oh ok I need to find this huge Tree? he said to himself Uncle I wish you was here I'm making Friends in Equestia

SC276: Three minutes is not friendship.

Topher: That’s not even acquaintances. That’s…About as strong a relationship as you get from a mcdonald’s cashier. You don’t talk, you just exchange th bare minimum of information, and you’re done.

end of chapter 4

Chatper 5 Meeting Twilight

SC276: Breaking Dawn.

Topher: NO! BAD SC! GO STAND IN THE CORNER, AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

Crazy56U: Honest to God, a crossover with Twilight would fix this mess, that’s how far we’ve gone...

I started to turn back to go back in Ponyville wait what the time David said he open the bag and got is phone to see what the time is 5:56 Pm ok I got time to get there

SC276: Assuming time works the same here as it does on Earth, which is a totally reasonable thing to assume.

RingmasterJ5: Even if it does, what’s saying Ponyville isn’t in a completely different timezone? Could be 1AM the next day for all he knows.

Topher: Actually, with the magically controlled sun and moon, everything’s kinda screwy.

I search to find the place and suddenly somepony jump on to David AHHHHHHHH! said David

SC276: For once, a reasonable reaction.

pony said I'm sorry to make you jump Hi my name Pinkie Pie what your name Pinkie pie said David response my name is David ouch I think a got leg cramp ah ah ah ah ah

SC276: Ah ah ah-ah-ah. Ah-ah ah-ah-ah. Ah-ah ah-ah-ah. It’s something bad romance.

RingmasterJ5: Ten! Ten IQ points lost from reading this fic, ah ah ah!

Crazy56U: Great, on top of everything else, the story is skipping...

it hurt Pinkie Pie said I'm sorry David response I only need to stretch my leg oh Pinkie Pie do you know where Twilight um home is.

SC276: You already know where it is, it’s the giant-ass tree!

Crazy56U: David can’t be bothered to remember things.

Pinkie Pie said to David I show where she live David said thank you after we walk to Twilight suddenly Pinkie Pie ask me this do you have a pony who love you yet? David said what?

SC276: Yeah, pretty much what we’re asking.

Pinkie why are you asking me this I want to know Pinkie smile at David I see ya later David said to himself what strange pony oh well

SC276: Privacy-invading questions are a very common occurance these days.

Topher: Which reminds me, what was the strangest sex act you’ve ever participated in? Are you a virgin? If you’re a virgin, what’s the strangest porn you’ve fapped to?

David knock on the door no response hello anybody in there I knock again on the door and finally someone answer ah a dragon

SC276: You can feel the concern with the story’s complete lack of exclamation points.

Crazy56U: DULL SURPRISE!

please don't burn me dragon response it fine I'm not a bad dragon

RingmasterJ5: Ah, phew, we averted the giant dildoes.

Crazy56U: ...yep, that image is now in my brain. (pulls out power drill)

how are you anywhere?

SC276: Now’s not the time to get philosophical.

I response I'm a human and My name is David and what your name Dragon David said Spike Response with the name is Spike ok so what do you want Spike said to David response

SC276: Stimulus, response. Stimulus, response!

Cola: I don’t want any more stimuli!

I want to see Twilight Spike said well come in I go get her. David to himself really huge tree with a library this town is getting weirder

SC276: No, that’s just the lack of definition.

hi my name is Twilight Sparkle and you want to see the two princesses Twilight said to David how did you know? I will write to princess Celestia tomorrow let go to sleep Twilight said David do you want to sleep with here tonight Spike said David response ok then I will then after I fell to sleep

SC276: Don’t bother waking up.

I start to think of my Dad to be alive (in the dream) dad teach me your fighting move please said David are you ready son

SC276: ARE YOU READY, KIDS?!

Crazy56U: NO.

Said Dad David response with I'm READY Dad teach me the move of being a Survival and Stealthy Soldier

SC276: *clears the desk for twow’s facedesk*

RingmasterJ5: It’s a single move, but he had issues remembering that you had to actually PRESS the button instead of just thinking about it.

Dad said you learn quick Son David said Thank Dad hug Dad David David DAVID!

SC276: And suddenly one of those Disney wakeups.

Crazy56U: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! (cue Brady Bunch theme)

huh David open his eyes opps sorry Twilight said but David it time to get up what time is it David said Twilight response it 5:00 Am

SC276: Bitch, I don’t get up that early, I’m gonna back to sleep. Zzzzz...

come let get ready to go meet Princess Celestia A vehicle is coming to pick you and me up Twilight said to David said to back to Twilight

SC276: said to back to David said to back to Twilight said to back to David said to back to Twilig- 15-love.

ok David to himself now finally can meet Princess Celestia and tell her about Discord I hope Uncle Is fine and Aunt to End Of Chatper 5.

SC276: So, you hope the aunt’s fine at the end of the chapter that just ended? You really don’t care that much about her then.

Chatper 6 Dad?

RJ: Chief?

Crazy56U: End?

after not very long travel to canterlot David and Twilight enter the Castle Celestia need tell you something Twilight said to Celestia response ah hello Twilight want do you need my favourite student and she said who is this Twilight? David response my name is David Princess Celestia and I need to tell you something Discord is back Celestia response Oh no

SC276: Oh noes!

Topher: I noticed that a statue was missing from the garden, didn’t think anything of it! Also, there were some yaks doing the macarena and speaking in swahili as they beat me over the head with lollipops made of bowler hats, but I didn’t think DISCORD was involved!

Crazy56U: DULL SURPRISE!

Twilight go and get your friends and the elements of Harmony now Hurry

SC276: Hurry, hurry, hurry, step right up to the greatest carnival game the world has ever seen!

Topher: Sadly, we don’t have time for a FlimFlam bros. style musical number.

Crazy56U: Yet another let down in my life...

Twilight response ok Princess come David we must hurry David said ok then 35 minute later

SC276: That is a very specific number.

Crazy56U: They took a bathroom break.

ok Discord said he going to be at the Garden labyrinth 6 ponies said ok hahahaha welcome everypony and David

SC276: And Zoidberg.

Cola: ZOIIIIIIIIIIIIIDBERRRRRRRRRRRG

Crazy56U: And thus, this became the season 2 premiere again. (headdesk)

Discord here are the rules no Wing and no magic now good luck said Discord and then teleport away into the meddle of the maze

SC276: Oh my god, right in the middle of the episode. As if this wasn’t tough enough to swallow as it is.

Topher: I didn’t think it was possible, but we have found a return of harmony ripoff that is worse than “Discord.”

ok let do it and suddenly split into 7 ways in the maze ah what the ouch David said

SC276: What the what?

Cola: Okay! Let do it!

well walk deeply into the maze and I found David said Dad? what are you doing here

SC276: “Hell with the other dimension shit, you’re supposed to be dead!”

Dad response come Son test your Skill on me David said wait a minute ok let go then after 10 minute I fight my Dad and I suddenly kill him

SC276: And now Luke’s going over to the dark side.

Crazy56U: How do you kill a ghost?!

Dad said Well done son I meant David... David said Dad I'm sorry and then David starting to cried and suddenly Dad spirit to fade away and the maze start to open up I saw Discord I went to him

SC276: “Ooh, it’s the film about the haunted lighthouse!”

ah David said Discord I didn't think you had it you David response that it Discord I'm going to kill you are you? Said Discord a smile on him

SC276: He wasn’t smiling, there was a smile painted on his stomach.

so be it came then David to try to get to Discord but he to fast what the hell? David ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh fell on the ground and look beside and Said blood I'm I going to die?

RingmasterJ5: “Yes you idiot, you just tried to attack the spirit of chaos with… actually I’m not even sure what you used.”

SC276: The knife he brought here, most likely.

Cola: His thoughts? His toxic, nonsensical thoughts?

Crazy56U: Wait, David’s dying? … ...suddenly, this just got better.

I can't I won't

SC276: I think I can’t, I think I can’t…

Crazy56U: Oh, stop being a baby and just die.

I try to get a up Discord

SC276: Time to up Discord to Super Chaos mode!

RingmasterJ5: They needed to get the Emeralds three times for that.

Crazy56U: There are no 1-Ups in the garden, David, sorry.

your still alive I impressed Discord! Said Twilight why doe you do that huh David! all the ponies said that David wake up wake up wake up oh no please don't die

SC276: Please do die!

Crazy56U: Do us all a favor.

all ponies cried David said to himself where I'm I Haven

SC276: That could be any number of places, including the Herp Haven reptile spa from Magic School Bus or… dammit, I know there’s another one but it slipped my mind while I was typing.

Dad son you should not be here yet so son wake up Dad gave him Dad light to wake up and suddenly David feel weird

SC276: I feel weird too, but I think that’s my brain eating itself.

RingmasterJ5: ...Dad light?

Cola: DAD GAVE HIM DAD LIGHT! IT WAS SUPER EFFECTIVE!

Crazy56U: I think this story is giving me an aneurysm...

like Dad but it David please wake up huh David said what happen we beat Discord

RingmasterJ5: All thanks to the power of… Dad light. The fuck does that even mean?

Cola: It means he’s getting all the great Dad flavor with a third of the calories!

Crazy56U: It’s a flashlight in the shape of David’s dad. Duh!

are you ok said all Ponies David response I thank you and hug all of the ponies

SC276: Hug ALL the ponies!

oh I know what would cheer you up David a PARTY! said Pinkie Pie David response Yep David smile oh I'm sorry I haven't meet you three yet

SC276: The plot went by too quickly for proper introductions. Or even a proper climax.

RingmasterJ5: It’s probably best that this story doesn’t have any sort of climax at all, honestly.

Cola: Thanks. Now I’m imagining a sex scene built of this mad babble narrative.

Topher: I think if this author tried to write sex between himself and one of the mane six it would come across as either gay sex or masturbation.

I'm AppleJack and I'm FlutterShy and I'm Rarity David response nice to meet you ok let have the party after we have the party for David said to all of the ponies oh I have go back from the portal to go back to Earth where I should be I kissed all of the ponies before I when through the portal I wrote a letter here what I wrote Dear Twilight I have to leave from the portal in evergreen forest now

SC276: Not sure whether typo or Everfree stays green in winter…

Crazy56U: The answer is yes.

I'm going to miss you guys one of there I will come to see you again from David James Groove aka

RingmasterJ5: Alright, I’ve whited out the next two words of the story because they’re easily the most ridiculous part of the entire thing. Try to decipher what he’s about to call himself from what you’ve read of the fic so far, then highlight them when you think you have a guess. You’re probably going to be wrong.

Fallen Prime: I’m not gonna participate because I cheated.

SC276: Alright, let’s see… I assume it’s going to be like pony naming conventions, so… Badass McGillicutty or something? I dunno. The guy doesn’t have any personality to speak of.

Cola: Dad light? Gibbering moron? Mister Badass?

Crazy56U: Well, that can’t be possible. There’s no way the name can be that-

Solid Snake (< Highlight here)

SC276: *SPITS OUT ORANGE JUICE* WHAT THE WHAT?!

RJ: !

RingmasterJ5: A good amount of the reason I put this fic up here was just so I could show you all… that.

SC276: THE GUY’S THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE! HE DOES NOTHING STEALTHY OR BADASS! HE SPENT THE FINAL BATTLE KNOCKED OUT, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!

Cola: You. Are. Fuck. Ing. Shit. Ting. Me.

Topher: This tweest brought to you by M. Night Shamallamadingdong.

Crazy56U: (in pain) … …this is why we can’t have nice things...

I put the litter near her bed and then I go into the portal after I come through the other side of the portal and I go home after I get inside home

SC276: This and that happened, and three months passed...

Uncle ask son where have you been I was worried David response Uncle I gone to this place the call Equestia Uncle said ok son

SC276: “A universe from a fictional TV show exists? Forget that, the playoffs are today!”

Crazy56U: Uncle made a mental note to send David to an insane asylum tomorrow.

and then smile at me David said to Uncle I'm going to bed goodnight Uncle after I got upside and just when to sleep without changing clothes

SC276: Yeah, sleep covered in pony dust, that’s great.

Topher: Little did he know, he accidentally brought back the deadly virus Buttmarkus Additivum. The human race was soon wiped out, overrun by shambling horde of infected. The poor souls swept up by the disease were left as mad shadows of their former selves, covered in colorful, festering boils and rashes that were inexplicably shaped like various everyday objects.

David said to himself what weird days I have

SC276: You think your day’s weird, we had to read this thing.

ok first going the army so I have nothing much to do.

SC276: It’s always the army with pony fics, isn’t it?

Crazy56U: ...you’re seriously sticking with the Solid Snake thing, aren’t you...

The End I hope you guys and girls enjoy I tell me what should like if I'm going make another FanFiction.

RingmasterJ5: And thankfully, he never did.

SC276: Oh I don’t even know where to start with this idiot. Actually, I do: USE MORE THAN ONE PARAGRAPH PER CHAPTER!!

Sigma: ...Yeah, I tried, but I had nothing for that second fic. Literally nothing except one or two quips.

RingmasterJ5: See you all next week when we return with… oh fuck, more Chat?

Cola: No. NO. NO!

SC276: Look at it this way: proper typesmanship.

RingmasterJ5: But on the other… horse supremacism.

SC276: After these fics, “proper typesmanship” wins out.

RingmasterJ5: We’ll see about that, won’t we… next time.

Crazy56U: ...I feel dead inside now.

RingmasterJ5: It’s been a long time.

Fallen Prime: Yeaaah... may have dropped the ball on that a little. Summer’s hectic and college is a bitch.

RingmasterJ5: I was looking through the list of the old stories we’ve done and noticed that we never tried to mock any of the fics by a certain author that by all means we should have at least once… but we’ll get to that later. Since, in setting up this doc, I realized that the Google Docs comment system has changed for the better in many ways. Fallen, an explanation?

Fallen Prime: Yeah, see the thing in the toolbar on the top right, right BELOW the comments button? That should either say “Viewing” or “Suggesting.” If you switch it to “Suggesting,” you can actually type your comments into the doc itself as... well, as suggestions. Saves us a boatload of legwork meticulously inserting every comment we think is good enough for the main doc.

RingmasterJ5: It will also prevent the page from literally crashing as many of our more crowded riffs have done in the past.

Fallen Prime: Christ, I can’t even open the one on my own story. 30,000 words’ worth of comments, not even counting how much the riffs have extended the doc... that sidebar’s a BITCH to load up. And don’t get me STARTED on the more popular ones like LTD…

RingmasterJ5: The MLU doc is guarded better than Fort Knox purely by Google’s shitty comment loading system. But now, if the document starts getting really slow, we can just add some of the better ones on the fly. Makes things so much easier, and the changes were enough that we’re christening this revival of the project “F/F/T3K15”, because wordplay.

Fallen Prime: But enough about that shit. Ring, explain the project.

RingmasterJ5: Well, long ago, there was a story called The Conversion Bureau. Happened to be the very first official riff we ever did, as well. There were a lot of different versions of this story, but some included a bit more dire take where Equestria was slowly engulfing the earth, forcibly ponifying all humans that its borders touched. One story set in this version involved the last humans on Earth using their last ten minutes before it engulfed the entire planet to set off a nuke. But that’s not the story we’re doing. Fallen?

Fallen Prime: Oh, hell no. This time, we’re tackling a story from a lolcow the likes of which we haven’t seen on F/F/T3K since Mykan. On FIMFiction, she goes by the name of Chatoyance, but a quick scan of ED will present you with an antagonistic, but not untrue, account of her time before horsewords. Chatoyance fashions herself as the site’s champion for Conversion Bureau stories told from the opposite spectrum: glorify the ponies, vilify the humans. Hell, her writing dehumanizes the humans more than the titular conversion ever could, which has brought her the same scorn on FIMFic in some circles that she’s been thrown elsewhere on the web.

RingmasterJ5: Now, you might be thinking “What does that thing about the nuke have to do with Chatoyance?” Well, she read that story and wasn’t exactly the happiest, because it didn’t end with the ponies coming out on top. So she decided to “fix” it, because she clearly couldn’t let a story with themes she didn’t like exist unmolested.

Fallen Prime: Oh, fun. Fix fics. Remember the flood of those that came after “The Mysterious Mare Do Well?” Hell, remember Mykan’s entire library? I’m not a fan of the stuff.

RingmasterJ5: And this is a fix fic of an already existing fanfic, making it so much worse.

Fallen Prime: A fix fic of a TCB fic. You’d think that would entail omitting the humans entirely and keeping them out of pony matters. Whatever your opinion on either side, putting them together in any fic is a huge risk, one that tends to lead to a tidal wave of godawful HIE schlock. It’s a risk Chatoyance seems fully aware of and revels in, and one that some standard-less masses eat up like flies eat shit. They white-knight her like there’s no tomorrow and try desperately to shield her from any valid criticism her stories get. The attacks on her person may be extreme (assuming they’re not exaggerated), but her body of work is not exempt from criticism, analysis, or negative comment.

And that’s why we’re here today. We’re gonna tear one of her stories wide open and expose the problems the fans don’t want to see. Looking at the amount of red on the like bar, even compared the nearly even split on the rest of her work, I’m sure it won’t take too much digging.

RingmasterJ5: We’re really kicking the hornet’s nest this time, but it’s the angriest hornets that make the best badfics.

Fallen Prime: I can take a couple hornets. I have one of those electric fly-swatters.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, behold the inaugural Chatoyance experience on F/F/T3K15, the first new riff of oh so many more to come: “Ten Minutes: Aftermath.”

Steel: And I’m really fucking late to the show!

(IT BEGINS)

This is an entry into the fifth Ponychan TCB Writing Event as organized by Krass McWriter.

NaturalGlitch: Not to be confused with Rash McFatter, of course.

Fallen Prime: Oh, I know Krass! In that I’ve heard about him flipping out and nuking the LGBT group he founded.

Following the PROMPT: “Simply put, write a continuation, prequel, or spinoff of someone else's TCB story.” I have decided to continue BronyOfSteel’s short story The Conversion Bureau: Ten Minutes

RingmasterJ5: You can click that title to go read the story this was based on if you want, but it’s not needed.

Steel: Context will be provided as we read! Hopefully. It’s Chatoyance, so I’m hopeful.

SC276: Can I go read that instead of this?

as seen on fimfiction.net

Ɐlternate-TCB: Ten Minutes:

NaturalGlitch: “—until lunch time, but also—”

AFTERMATH

MrSing: CAPSLOCK FURY!

Cola: Oh! It’s a postmodern treatment of life after numerical systems are discarded? No? It’s a shitty fixfic? Awww. :(

By Chatoyance

Kanzlerin: All it takes is one word to let you know that you’re in for a ride.

NaturalGlitch: One without rails, tracks, seatbelts...

SC276: Do we at least get peanuts?

Based on the story Ten Minutes by BronyOfSteel

SC276: You already said that.

Fallen Prime: Well, less “based on” and more “butchered to meet a complete opposite objective.”

Neo Masamune: “Can you even really say a story is really ‘Based’ on something if you tear it apart rather than build from it? I mean, in a technical sense you can but…”

Steel: ‘Based on’, because Chatoyance needs a platform to inspire more pro-change-ism, despite it being a massive dickpunch to rights.

MrSing: Is this like one of those “based on a true story” horror movies?

The terrible battle to reach that which the humans had struggled to defend was over.

Fallen Prime: Shame, that.

Steel: Damn, had a bet it’d go on another two days.

Axel Nyan: War… War never changes.

twow: It fuckin’ needs to.

Sigma: The battle for the secret Coca Cola formula had ended with terrible losses.

The humans had only needed to fight for ten minutes.

NaturalGlitch: “Those hotdogs aren’t going to eat themselves, you know.”

MrSing: Or else they would get into trouble with the union.

SC276: Bit long for a Smash Bros match...

Ten precious, terrible, brutal and horrifying minutes,

SC276: We only just started, author.

the most desperate moments that either species had ever known.

Fallen Prime: I’m sure I’ve seen worse desperation.

Steel: It’s called ‘Supporting My Little Dashie as a good story.’

Axel Nyan: I’d make a Seven Minutes in Heaven joke, but the author went and ruined it by making it ten minutes.

Cola: By my count, that’s twenty-two words in that last sentence. Twenty-two vacuous, overadjectified, overdescribed, and overwrought words, and the most irritating use of modifiers I’ve seen in a while.

Sigma: The ten, horrible minutes known as the prereading of this fic.

MrSing: Lady, you don’t know desperate until you’ve been at the DMV for the fifth day in a row.

The bodies of ponies, and partially transformed humans lay upon the ruined ground,

NaturalGlitch: “Dude—I am so baked...”

MrSing: They got all tuckered out from all that fighting.

Dark Angel: I can already see people somehow turning this into a fetish.

marinating in blood and ichor.

twow: So what, the ponies bled the same blood as a fucking Greek god? Yeah okay.

Simon: Nothing says "pony glorification" than giving them divine traits. I'm surprised the humans here don't bleed either Eitr or acid like the alien from the movie... well, Alien.
Darth: Redundant gore description is redundant.
Kanzlerin: I’m fairly sure there are more tasteful things out there that one can marinate, but, that’s just me.

RJ: Just don’t let them sit too long. They’ll get gamey.

The ponies had fought with the only weapon they would use, flasks, crystal eggs, and

NaturalGlitch: “—hot apple pies, balloons, power hugs...”

Simon: Okay, when you say "only weapon”, it basically means you use only ONE. Why is there a list of several things here?

SC276: She’s writing a fix fic to a fanfic for a fanfic. I’m willing to bet the author can’t actually count.

vials of the transforming serum known as 'potion',

MrSing: You think this name is bad? One of the test names was “purple stuff”.

a purple, grape-flavored construct of human nanotechnology and Equestrian magic.

Fallen Prime: So... delicious magical science.

Neo: Is Potion the market brand name or did they just go for the generic brand? Also, is it really necessary to tell us what flavor it was?

Steel: I... think so? Maybe it’s called ‘Grape-Flavored Nanomachines’, and they just went with ‘Potion’ for all the youngsters reading.
Kanzlerin: Rules of nature, son.

Neo: DON’T FUCK WITH THIS SUN PRINCESS!

Where the ponies won, new ponies arose, smiling,

NaturalGlitch: “Brains~”

Simon: So you’re throwing at me that ponies are the GOOD guys in the story, and yet you describe them as if they were a fucking pandemic? Yeah, I’m siding with humans, even if they resisted the invasion as long as they did in Battlefield: Earth.

their hearts filled with peace.

Steel: And ours filled with abject terror at this act of ‘kindness’.

twow: “WE DON’T WANT FRIENDSHIP.”

Sigma: Yes, they were filled with peace. That’s why they fought.
Darth: Peace is a lie. There is only stupid.

SC276: Their hearts were also filled with blood and ichor, don’t forget that.

The humans had fought with grenade and bullet

NaturalGlitch: “It’s my turn to use the bullet! MOM! Donny won't share!”

Simon: Technically the correct term is “shell”. Bullet refers to the part of the whole projectile that actually hits the target. Usual misconception, but I like the idea that these humans lasted so little because they went into throwing already used bullets at the ponies.

and when these were gone, bayonet and knife.

Steel: The bullets weren’t too useful since nobody had guns.

Waterpear: No, not bullets. Bullet. One of them. Among the entire human race.
Kanzlerin: No wonder the fighting was so desperate. Everyone had to share.

Sigma: Eventually, the humans ran out of those, and resorted to bow and arrow. After that, they used… Hold on, some guns don’t use bullets. And this doesn’t rule out missiles, rockets, cannons, shells… Lots of weapons to use.

MrSing: When those were gone they used their hands, and when those were gone it just became sad.

Where the humans had won, lay newly created corpses, dead, gummy eyes staring into oblivion,

Sigma: Pinkie’s pet was given a full decorated funeral with military honors.

Sven: The 21 Party Cannon salute was glorious.

or rolled back into bullet-riddled skulls. Ragged chunks of both pony and former comrades had spattered on cracked ground and crumbling wall,

NaturalGlitch: Crumbling Wall is the name of the new nightclub downtown.

SC276: “Mr. Gorbachev, crumble down this wall!”

rapidly becoming crimson nurseries for swarming flies.

MrSing: Their guns became schools for the grasshoppers.

They had shot the ponies to prevent them reaching the device.

NaturalGlitch: ...I’m not even sure the MLPs bleed, but if they do, what color is it?

SC276: I thought we established they bled ichor? I’m confused now.

NaturalGlitch: Sorry—my brain seems to be in the same state as ice cubes inside a blender set to frappe.

They had shot their potion-covered own to prevent them turning into yet more ponies.

Locklen: What is this, a zombie apocalypse?

Fallen Prime: ...does anyone else remember an image of protesters stuffing military rifles with pretty flowers as a peace message during the Vietnam war? Yeah, neither does the author.

Steel: 1/10, not enough description of gore. And at this point, they’d have to be sticking flowers in the corpses, because even dead ponies and humans will always breed new life.

Neo: Sir, please don’t question the author’s logic, it’s against fic policy.

At last, the screams of horror and pain had been silenced.

Cola: They’ve ceased? The fic is over? The suffering has ended, we are free! We are -- oh, no, there’s more. Oh.

MrSing: If I hear one more scream of horror and pain no one is getting ice cream.

Simon: The thing is, they had been silenced… by who? I mean, sure, I could give less of a backflipping fuck, but that’s what you get for overusing passive voice.

There remained only one human left, wounded and bleeding, crumpled like a broken doll

MrSing: Ahem, it’s called an “action figure” thank you very much.

Simon: Only if you never remove it from the box.

against the heavy concrete cradle that supported the immensely heavy treasure the humans had been guarding.

NaturalGlitch: “—the last port-a-potty.”

It was a hypernuclear device,

MrSing: Superdupernuclear was already taken.

RJ: They had to collect the Chaos Emeralds twice to do it, but it was worth it.

magnitudes more powerful than any mere hydrogen bomb. It was a planet-killer, and it represented the last, fierce act of angry men to deal vengeance upon the alien Equestrians.

Steel: For posterity, there is a gigantic middle finger drawn onto the warhead.

Waterpear: In “Ten Minutes,” this device was a regular nuclear weapon. Chatoyance upgraded it because reasons.

Neo: Gotta make them humans look deadly!

Simon: Which is really hard to believe because these Ponies/Scourge hybrids had wiped them faster than the time my coffee break lasts.

Hidden, behind the wounded man, a small box quietly performed subtraction upon the numbers it displayed.

NaturalGlitch: So...a timer?

MrSing: Humanity’s greatest weapon. A pocket calculator.

Sven: Hey, some of those scientific calculators could leave a mark!

Neo: My father was killed by a pack of scientific calculators, so don’t tell me those things aren’t dangerous.

The numbers were counting down not minutes but seconds, and there were precious, precious few of those left, now.

Fallen Prime: Like, TENS of them, man!

Neo: Okay so, apparently we’re just skipping past the Ten Minutes this story is supposedly about and going right to the last ten seconds. Man, this author is not even hiding the fact that they just want to make their own ending to this story.

Steel: Just like how we’d like the ending to stay the same.

Axel Nyan: Unfortunately, the end can’t be changed to come soon enough.

Neo: Ten minutes? Feels like ten years.

Simon: This is why overly descriptive books give us movies with so much filler; most of the book are descriptions that are just there on the movie screen for you to see.

Dark Angel: It’s one thing to take ten hours to explain ten minutes passing. But when it takes ten hours just to explain that this is the end of the ten minutes...

Celestia, the immortal ruler of the cosmos of Equestria

SC276: Just the cosmos of Equestria? Then what are you doing in our airspace, lady?!

NaturalGlitch: Immortal? Age magic exists—just saying. It also kind of got debunked when it turns out Celestia can get hurt and probably die..

stood facing the last soldier, her eyes angry, her mouth tight.

NaturalGlitch: “Her heart was heavy, and her prostate weak. Her bladder was full to bursting...”

SC276: “Trying to use telekinesis without magic is probably the third-stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”

The last man would be converted, for ponies, however hard they fight, do not kill. Not even one who has slaughtered so very, very many.

Steel: Oh dear, oh me oh my. The ‘holier than thou’ feel of this is just, just so sweet, so heartfelt, so... gag, make it stop!

Sigma: “Yes, we don’t kill, instead we overwrite your personality, force you to become an entirely different species, and then claim the moral high ground!”

Axel Nyan: Blah Blah Blah ponies are better because they don’t kill blah blah blah, isn’t there a group specifically for stories that are like this? Can we send this to that trash bin?
Darth: Ponies don’t kill? Yeah, sure. Tell that to Sombra.

NaturalGlitch: Sure they kill. Have you ever try looking at the Cutie Mark Crusaders when they’re sad? Heart-stopping power right there.

Fallen Prime: ...that doesn’t look like Princess Celestia.

Neo: Hmmm....hey guys...I don’t think that’s Celestia. Just a hunch.

SC276: SUDDENLY, IMAGE.

[Waterpear: Just as a note, the next few paragraphs up until “Zero Minutes” are copied verbatim from Ten Minutes itself.]

Steel: Thank you for the tip.

Fallen Prime: Hold up. I think that might be grounds for a plagiarism report.

twow: Who the fuck is that?!

Axel Nyan: On a guess, I’d assume this was Fluttershy OC#32359

Neo: Also can we talk about how bad this picture is, like that is some MSPaint blood right there.

Waterpear: No Fluttershys were harmed in the production of this fanfic disaster.
Kanzlerin: ...No one’s going to mention how the art appears to be superimposed over a real-life photo of a bombed-out, war-torn building? No? Okay.

Cola: So add to the list of crimes this fic has benefitted directly from, “some damn building was bombed”.

A pale yellow Pegasus stood before her, looking nervously at the ground now that she had Celestia’s attention.

NaturalGlitch: “Her pelt is actually colored white, but she couldn’t find the bathroom in time.”

“I-if it wouldn’t be too much trouble princess, could I be the one to convert him? It would mean a lot to me.”

Fallen Prime: “The thousands of other mares and stallions said the same thing. Fuck off, I’m royalty.”

Steel: “But Princess, you’ve converted everypony else already! I want a try!”

Sigma: I’m just imagining them as Jehovah’s Witnesses fighting over a door. “No, it’s my turn to knock, I haven’t converted anyone yet! It’s important to me!”

SC276: So what do these guys burn into the lawn, the Friendship is Magic logo?

The princess cocked her head to the side for a moment before speaking again, “Why does this mean so much to you, young one?” All traces of disdain and anger that had colored her voice while speaking to the young man were now gone.

NaturalGlitch: [disdain and anger] “We’re free! So long, terrible fanfic!”

Sven: Lucky bastards.

“W-well I k-kinda know him.”

Fallen Prime: I’m not sure how far “kinda” will carry you.

Neo: Because you know, fuck the fact that you were just enraged that this guy slaughtered a whole mess of your people, the fact that this Re-Skin of Fluttershy is asking you a question immediately dissolves all of your hatred. Yep.

Steel: Thou shalt not rage against thine spatial neighbor.

Axel Nyan: These two definitely fucked. Rigorously.

Cola: “He k-kinda f-fucked me like he was t-trying to win a p-prize for about two hours.”

Waterpear: “It was...the last, fierce act of angry men.”

Celestia’s expression turned thoughtful, “I see… what is your name?”

“Sky Shimmer, your majesty.”

Neo: Silly, that isn’t how you say Fluttershy.

twow: *hisses angrily*

Cola: ‘Sky Shimmer’? Oh, that must be Fluttershy’s club name.

NaturalGlitch: Party...soft?

Cola: Yaaaaaaaayyyyy.

“Sky Shimmer if it means that much to you, then I will allow you this great honor.”

MrSing: There’s always that one guy that must have the final kill.

The princess of the sun

NaturalGlitch: Urge...to...use...canon to...crush...fanon logic...rising!

said as she walked over to the small pony and nuzzled her affectionately.

Fallen Prime: Because hyper-affectionate utopian rainbow horse race.

Steel: LONG LIVE THE EMPIRE, LONG LIVE THE EMPIRE, PRAISE CELESTIA PRAISE HER LIGHT. And all that other religious doctrine and stuff.

Cola: And then Celestia and Sky Shimmer totally did it, right there in front of him.

MrSing: That’s the way the world ends, not with a whisper, but with a bang.

Sky Shimmer after receiving the princess’ blessing then turned from her ruler to the young man

Steel: Bent down, and got to converting.

twow: pls no

Cola: Was there some sort of frigging comma shortage when this was written? One after Sky Shimmer, and one after blessing.

NaturalGlitch: I see that this writer has a passionate hatred for the comma.

Neo: And is deeply in love with semicolons, as we will see soon.

SC276: Isn’t this the part that was copied from the the other fic? So, two authors with one fic. ...Also, semicolon overuse is practically my shtick.

Neo: If you wanna make yourself look professional, just stick semicolons literally everywhere! Results guaranteed!

, and began walking towards the human with a slow meaningful stride,

NaturalGlitch: “—slipping on the recently waxed floors, smashing her face on the wall...”

MrSing: This would have been a lot more menacing if she wasn’t prancing in slow motion.

her eyes never leaving his face.

Steel: She had trailed him for weeks. She knew his face, even from a mile away. And she never stopped staring... not once in her life. Never.

Axel Nyan: Repealing my last statement. They didn’t fuck, they’re about to. I thought this was a shitty conversion bureau fic, not some shitty clopfic.

Sigma: You imply the two to be mutually exclusive.

SC276: How long have her eyes been attached to his face again? Always? Good to know.

The young man in question just returned the unwavering gaze looking into her eyes

MrSing: “One... last... staring contest.”

and seeing concern, regret, and recognition?

Fallen Prime: If he’s the literal last human, then so many people he knows will have been converted that “kinda knowing him” won’t be enough to recognize one specific person-pony.

Waterpear: Man, I hate it when an unwavering gaze looks into my eyes and sees concern and regret.

Neo: Especially when they recognize you, Ugh. So embarrassing.

Steel: Guh, makes me wanna set off the hyper-mega-bob-omb.
Axel Nyan: That question mark at the end really bothers me.

Sigma: The story seems to be uncertain about how to use a fucking period?

Cola: Trust me, after you’ve been fucked by a guy like that, you remember his face, among other things.

Neo: Like how he liked to call her Uncle Mike.

Finally the pale yellow pony reached the young man, looking down at his now crimson shirt

MrSing: Great, now he literally is a redshirt.

NaturalGlitch: Mike has been playing with lipstick again.

with the deepest regret the young man had ever seen, “Michael…” she spoke,

NaturalGlitch: Jackson or Jordan?

Cola: Stipes? Moore? Douglas?

Simon: Myers, hopefully; The Cat in the Hat was something that didn’t need to happen.

SC276: “It involves… murder.”

low enough for just the two of them to hear,

MrSing: WHAT? WE CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Sven: AYE AYE CAP-, oh wrong show, sorry.

SC276: ~Who lives in a pineapple-?~ *brick’d*

the young man’s expression changed to one of shock at hearing his own name.

Fallen Prime: He was within earshot when she SAID she knew him, right?

Steel: Maybe nobody has ever called him Michael? It’s always Mic, or Mike, or Microphone.

Simon: Maybe he’s like a demon, which is bound to serve whoever knows his true name.

twow: At least he has a fucking name.

Sigma: Yeah, he has a name, but will we have any reason to remember that name?

The Pegasus then brought a hoof behind the young man’s head as she brought her own forward,

MrSing: Get ready for the neck snap of a life time.

touching her forehead to his, “I’m so sorry.”

Fallen Prime: “...that you’re still alive. My aim really sucks.”

Neo: You know how you could show how sorry you were? NOT TURNING HIM INTO A PONY!

Steel: And not turning everybody else into ponies! And making it a voluntary process, instead of conquering the human race and backpedalling hard on everything ponydom is about.

Sigma: Don’t be silly, that would be reasonable!

She whispered as a single tear rolled down her muzzle.

Waterpear: Only a single tear, of course, because these are humans. Humans don’t have souls. [I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP THAT IS ACTUALLY WHAT THE STORY IMPLIES]

The young man sat there for a moment before bringing his own hand up behind her head,

NaturalGlitch: “—and belched his lunch right up her nose.”

MrSing: He’s going for a counter neck snap!

Neo: C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

running his fingers through her mane. “Me too.”

Fallen Prime: The downside to hooves is that the gesture of running your fingers through a partner’s hair loses 90% of its magic. Savor it while you can, Mike Wazowski.

Steel: But the upside of ponies is they’re really soft. So hugs work out nicely.

Cola: “Sorry I didn’t put a bullet between your eyes after I came. EAT LEAD, BITCH!”

And with that Sky Shimmer drew the young man into a kiss,

Steel: And millions of people into horses and people kissing came immediately.

twow: Yeah, no. I’m sorry, I can’t be touched by this so-called “moment”.
Kanzlerin: “HEY GUYS LOOK, THEY’RE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER, SEE?”

Sigma: ...I guess Axel was right.

Cola: I think you’re supposed to use lips, not pencil and paper, but...y’know, never mind. It’s less disturbing to imagine she’s drawing something, here.

NaturalGlitch: “Where she got the paint brushes and the canvas is anyone’s guess.”

and as he sat there locking lips with the pony that had once been the girl he had loved with his entire being,

NaturalGlitch: “♫If you know what I mean!♫”

Simon: Ooooh, I get it. She was his human lover before… yeah, I still have no empathy or sympathy for any of these two. Throw a bear there and maul them both, this is boring.

the young man could taste the grape on her lips.

Neo: Again, is the whole grape flavor thing really that relevant?

Steel: I think it suddenly just became relevant.

Neo: If grapes actually turn out to be the main ingredient in ‘Potion,’ then I might just flip a table.

Axel Nyan: This author is trying so hard to force her grape-fetish on her readers.

RJ: This is going to be stuck in my head every time grape comes up now. Thanks, fic.

Waterpear: The cherry flavor unconditionally turns you into a mare. I am not making this up.

Sigma: ...What kind of grape? Green, red, or purple grape? They all have a distinctive taste, you know.

Neo: What about Blue Raspberry?

MrSing: Nothing like a cold glass of grapes right before battle.

Cola: Hey, now. Grape isn’t something to joke about.

SC276: I’m fairly sure at this point that the “potion” is just wine and everyone is actually drunk off their gourds. Like I wish I was about a quarter of the way into this mess.

And then suddenly everything turned the purest white the young man had ever seen.

twow: Why did Celestia shove her ass in his face?

Darth: No. Don’t use that word. There’s nothing “pure” about this.

Dark Angel: That’s not entirely true. This fic is ‘pure’ shit.

MrSing: Es ist PURE und WHITE und ze pony race will rize again!

Zero Minutes.

Fallen Prime: Zero Hour. Absolute Zero. Act Zero. Zero 2: Electric Zeroloo.

Steel: Megaman Zero, Megaman Zero X.

RingmasterJ5: Zero Escape: Humanity’s Last Reward (has been retconned out of this fic)

Sigma: Zero Punctuation (has deemed this fic shit).

Cola: Zeros! They’re within minutes of Pearl Harbor! *makes airplane noises*

SC276: Zero Mission (seeks to replace the original entirely).

RJ: (singing) Why we could never reach a star without you, Zero, my hero, how wonderful you are...

The blinding brilliance slowly began to fade. As the bright, white glow dimmed, Michael began to wonder how he could be seeing it,

NaturalGlitch: ...with his eyes?

how he could be seeing anything at all.

MrSing: Eyes. Again.

At first, he had thought that the brilliant flash of light was the hypernuclear device detonating.

NaturalGlitch: “Or maybe it was because he stuck a fork in the outlet—again.”

SC276: ~’Cause I have done it before, and I can do it some more, I got my eye on the score, I’m gonna cut to the core...~

But now that he considered it, he realized that would be absurd.

Fallen Prime: Unless you’re dead and en route to the pearly gates, which you’re in no position to doubt right now. Also, in light of what Waterpear’s just said... this is a REALLY clunky transition.

Cola: “...just like this entire verse concept.” Seriously, fuck the whole TCB.

If the device had detonated, the entire northern hemisphere would have been turned to molten rock, the atmosphere instantly converted to plasma,

NaturalGlitch: It really should be LED. Get with the times, man!

and the entire planet’s biosphere extinguished within less than a second.

Steel: And because this is all about ponydom saving humanity from its own ‘foolishness’, instead of going out in a great big, spectacular BANG, it didn’t.

MrSing: The worst part is that the hypernuke isn’t even gluten free.

His own body would have become nothing more than a flashprint on the concrete, which itself would have vaporized in less than a millionth of a second.

Steel: Sadly, he’d always wanted to leave his mark on the world. Too bad he got overshadowed by a giant fucking bomb.

twow: Damn, “Hatred” needs a more brutal rating then AO.
Kanzlerin: As boring as that game was, I still found it far more profound than this.

Sigma: That game at least tried to be offensive. However, this is Chatoyance.

Waterpear: What’s the difference between Ten Minutes: Aftermath and Hatred? One of them is terrible and only became notable for being morally bankrupt. The other is a video game.

RingmasterJ5: Hatred at least had pretty explosion effects. This… well, actually, I can’t think of a single redeeming factor this story has.

MrSing: This story stopped its only explosion. That makes it double lame.

There literally would not have been time for the signal from his own retina to travel the distance from his eyes to the back of his head where the visual centers of his brain were.

Locklen: Wait, just the northern hemisphere? If you fuck with that, the southern hemisphere isn’t going to remain a hemisphere.

Neo: THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!

Sigma: No, we won’t. Half of us are too dumb to fight properly.

Fallen Prime: Can we get the science side of the Internet to rip this open and dissect it?

Neo: I almost want to call bullshit on this but, so far this is the most logical thing that anybody has said or thought in this story.

Steel: Science Nerd! If the northern hemisphere heated up enough to ignite, there would be a cascade reaction throughout the world, causing the rest of the atmosphere to ignite as well. Earth would become one giant wildfire, and even if the atmosphere didn’t go, the resulting smoke clouds, gigantic tsunamis and firestorms would make sure everything did.

Neo: Get Science-ed Chatoyance.

Cola: So, just to be clear, the thing we are describing didn’t happen. Good thing we’re still talking about it, author! Let’s also talk about a hypothetical shit Celestia took yesterday morning while we’re at it, too.

There would have been no possible way to see anything, had the device at his back detonated. He would have been terminated instantaneously;

NaturalGlitch: “Have I mentioned this yet? Maybe I should write a few more paragraphs just in case my audience doesn’t understand.”

SC276: There’s purple prose, and then there’s ultraviolet.

he would literally been dead before he could physically have known it.

Fallen Prime: Unless, again, you’re heaven-bound without knowing it.

Steel: This is really being bashed into our faces, isn’t it? We get it, he’s not dead, the bomb never went off, humanity lost.

twow: Guys, look at this beautiful purple prose!!!!

Sigma: Not even gonna try for a life flashing before his eyes? No? Okay.

Simon: Unless you want three-fics worth of how shitty human existence is, I’m glad she didn’t consider doing that.

Yet Michael was still seeing the light fade, and he still tasted grape going down his throat, and he still felt the lips of the pony that had delivered that kiss.

NaturalGlitch: “—with the taste of hay and oats.”

MrSing: Try kissing a horse on the mouth in real life and report back to me on how it tasted.

Neo: Can I get mine in cherry flavor instead of grape?

SC276: I’m an orange man, myself.

Sky Shimmer pulled her muzzle slowly away from Michael. She was waiting, expectantly.

Waterpear: I call bullshit. The taste of artificial grape should cause involuntary spitting.

Steel: I like grape-flavored stuff... oh God, I’m screwed if this ever happens. Grape flavor is irresistible!

Sigma: What kind of grape?

Cola: Gang grape.

Michael swallowed again. He had involuntarily swallowed during Lisa’s... no, Sky Shimmer’s kiss;

Fallen Prime: Even as a pony, she still needed braces.

Steel: Braces are pretty good.

Sigma: I’m honestly imagining she just has a dick for a tongue and just came down his throat.

MrSing: That’s Aliens, Sigma.

Simon: That’s an extra for the porn version of the movie.

Neo: The sad part is I can see that being a thing. It probably is a thing.

her mouth had been full of serum,

NaturalGlitch: ...my mind went to gross places for a second there.

full of the nanotechnomagical

RJ: (singing) It’s nanotechnomagical, micromechnimystical, picorobosupernatural bullshit!

Neo: ...Wow, that sure is... letters. I think they might even mean something!

Fallen Prime: Because why own a word blender if you won’t use it?

Steel: Word Blender, results may vary in coherence.

MrSing: This fic is full of megaprosewords.

Simon: Why can’t they just use regular magic instead of combining every single science ever?

ponification serum, which Sky had forced into him.

Steel: What a bitch, snowballing him like that!

Neo: He should sue. You can make mad money off a case like that.

Cola: She kissed him and used that to forcibly change him, and he’ll be totally okay with that once the magic goop makes him a pony? This is the plan?

He should be changing. Yet nothing was happening.

Steel: Dun dun dun, he was IMMUNE!

The Janitor: Ugh, Plot Convenience.
Darth: By the power of bullshit!

SC276: IIIIII HAAAAAVE THE NARRATIIIIIIIIVE!

Michael looked around. He was no longer in pain; his wounds from the battle were still there, but he was not bleeding anymore.

NaturalGlitch: But I thought ♫those wounds will not heal!~♫

MrSing: It’s simple, he ran out of blood.

Behind him, the hypernuclear device, the most destructive weapon ever conceived,

Fallen Prime: and subsequently birthed live,

Neo: Man that must have HURT.

Steel: Giving birth to a giant thermonuclear bomb tends to, yeah.
Kanzlerin: I would feel pretty bad for the midwife.

Sigma: Nanny Ogg will never be old enough for this shit.

still supported his back.

NaturalGlitch: [hypernuclear device] “You’re a great back! Yes you are!”

MrSing: WMD are great for hernias.

Cola: "This fall on TNT -- one is the last human in existence. The other is the nuclear bomb that's got his back. Lasty and The Nuke!"

What was going on?

Neo:...You expect us to have these answers?

Steel: I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE!!!

twow: That would imply that something was going on in the first place, actually.

Cola: The author was still writing this asinine middle finger of a story, as far as readers could tell. Still, readers wondered, deep down, why the author would even ask this question. Did the author mean to question the very reality of the reader? Or was it simply a shitty segue so that Fluttersky Shimmer could be confused?

Sky Shimmer also seemed confused.

Cola: Well, that answers that.

SC276: Sky Shimmer hurt itself in its confusion!

She turned back towards princess Celestia. “Princess, he isn’t changing!

NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “You’re supposed to get a clean diaper.”

MrSing: Well, did you ask politely first?

I gave him the potion, but he isn’t changing!”

Fallen Prime: “MAKE HIM CONFORM, DAMMIT!”

Steel: “GOD DAMN IT, MARE, I WANT MY BOYFRIEND TO BE FORCED INTO PONYDOM!”

Neo: “WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? ACCEPT HIM FOR WHO HE IS!? BAH! SHIT’S FOR THE BIRDS.”

Cola: He is one of the daywalkers! SCREEEEEEE!

“He is currently suspended, my little pony;

RJ: He’ll get a fine, the humans will lose a draft pick, and everyone’ll whine about Bombgate for the next few seasons.

the serum derives its potency from the magic of Equestria, and thus is subject to my will.

NaturalGlitch: Wha-huh?! But... HUH?!

MrSing: I’ll try using that excuse the next time something doesn’t work in my office.

Simon: I am trying to make sense of all this, and something tells me I shouldn’t! What’s the motherfucking point of crafting a magical transformation potion if Celestia’s the one with the last word on who gets transformed?

It is my will that holds him now, on the cusp of change, and supports his injured flesh.”

Fallen Prime: Holds him physically, or mentally? Or both? Because if it’s mental, then…

Waterpear: He’s held within Celestia’s prison of semicolons.

twow: Oh, she’s bein’ a bitch. Gotcha.

Simon: To both, actually; Sky Shimmer went into all the trouble of asking to be the one converting her, and Celestia’s all like “calm your tits, lil’ one, and dry that pussy of yours, I have businesses pending with this asshole.”

Steel: Celestia scares me now. “YOUR LIFE IS IN MY HOOVES, INSIGNIFICANT MORTAL. ARE YOU AFRAID?” Commence SHODAN Syndrome.

Celestia, regent of all Equestria, literal goddess of the sun,

Steel: And sex slave to every fan of Fall of Equestria.

Neo:...Don’t remind me please, I might start siding with Chatoyance.

NaturalGlitch: But she’s not lite—nope. No, not going there.

MrSing: Literally a horse.

SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!

turned her attention to Michael.

Steel: She didn’t like his face very much. She would soon change that.

Sigma: Because he won’t have a face!

Cola: He won’t have a place for a face!

Neo: By the end of it nobody would remember what a face was!

“Young human, while yet you remain so, I wish to show you something,

MrSing: If she starts singing about “showing him the world” I’m out.

Simon: It would be brief, since there’s not that much to see anymore, big boom or not.

that no resentment may be harbored in your heart despite what will come.

NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “Pictures of Luna and I as fillies. This one is of my sister trying to drink without a sippy cup for the first time.”

Stand, and join me.”

Fallen Prime: ...yeah, if it’s mental, you’re brainwashing him into complying. Either I’m wrong, or this is protagonist-centered morality at its worst.

twow: Nothing you do from this point save letting him remain human will be good.

Steel: Again, this is Chatoyance. We’re beyond the point of saving anybody.

Neo: Chatoyance is inescapable, like Death or Jehovah's Witnesses.

Cola: ALL HAIL CHATOYANCE! WORSHIP CHATOYANCE AT THE CHURCH OF YOUR CHOICE!

SC276: “Join me, and we will bring peace to the galaxy.”

Michael had been known as Reaper.

Neo: [INTERNAL YELLING]

(Steel rushes off to rename the Reaperverse.)

twow: Oooh, I can FEEL Steel twitching.

Steel: THE SHAME IS REAL.

Axel Nyan: {Checks off Edgy Title from The List}

Sigma: I’m just imagining he calls himself that to sound cool and no one else does.

Neo: “Guys I call myself Reaper because I take lives and I’m super gri-” “Stop being a faggot Larry.”

Cola: This is the twist! It turns out Michael was actually the main character in the Doom movie all along!

MrSing: It was his actual legal last name. No jokes please, he has heard them all.

He had served his species with all of his heart, and all of his ability.

Waterpear: So, all of his ability, then.

Sigma: ...So, basically he was useless.

Steel: He felt kinda bummed out when none of that got him to hit the ‘blow shit up’ button.

Cola: And this mayonnaise stain of a human being was given the title 'Reaper'? My shapely ass.

He had killed countless numbers of the alien, equinoid invaders.

Steel: He would then have a deep-seated fear of tall horses with wings and horns.

Cola: “The hooves...the hooves…” And now, with his massive trauma, he’ll soon be the very thing he has nightmares about!

MrSing: Also a few Shetlander ponies, but those animals had it coming.

SC276: “THE GOLDEN ARCHES! THE GOLDEN ARCHES GOT ME!”

He had held the line until the ten minute countdown was up.

NaturalGlitch: Sure, he made it so no one else could get in the restaurant, but now he and his party had their choice of seats.

But the bomb had clearly not detonated. The flash, the flash of light; Celestia must have cast some kind of spell, some strange alien magic that had rendered the hypernuclear device inert.

NaturalGlitch:”The balls are...” No! Not gonna do it!

SC276: Or she could’ve just, y’know, disabled the timer. Someone forgot about Occam’s contribution to society again.

Cola: Or maybe she just fucking turned it off. It's a timer. Timers can be turned off.

Perhaps he could yet set it off...

Fallen Prime: ...okay, if you’re gonna do that with your wife(?) right there, you aren’t even fit to turn into a pony. Has no one thought about the forced convertees that are going to NOT like it and fuck things up out of spite?

RingmasterJ5: Oh, you sweet summer child. Don’t you know that in Chatoyance’s universe, ponifying pures them of any evil thoughts as well? It’s like some kind of technicolored Harrison Bergeron shit.

twow: “I wanna be a good pony-boy now!”

Steel: Should I feel sad right now? I feel sad right now.

Simon: My sadness is more about how far I’ve read and… how popular was this rewriting again? No, don’t tell me, I will probably cry.

Neo: Chatoyance wishes she could dystopia as well as Harrison Bergeron.

Waterpear: Chatoyance wishes she could dystopia as well as Ayn Fucking Rand.

Sigma: And that’s terrible.

Michael rocketed to

NaturalGlitch: ”—the ceiling, breaking his neck. THE END!”

a standing position and turned around, hoping to activate the manual detonation system on the device.

Sigma: “Out of order? Fuck!”

Neo: “HOW DO YOU BREAK A THERMONUCLEAR BOMB!?”

Cola: Wait, why would you ever try to detonate a manual? That doesn't -- oh. Sorry.

NaturalGlitch: “This is harder than trying to figure out how to program a VCR!”

SC276: If there was a manual detonator, why did they bother having the ten-minute last stand? Did they think they were going to get out of range in that time or something?

Where the device had been now stood a perfect replica of it; only made of stone.

NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “It’s made out of the same thing my brain is!”

MrSing: We switched the hypernuclear bomb with an exact stone replica, let’s see if they notice.

The flash must have been some magic that changed the bomb to stone.

twow: Oh, go lick my ass, story. Really?

Steel: Celestia was so proud of that bomb, she made a statue in its shape. The real bomb was stowed away in the castle, 30 seconds from going off.

SC276: That would have to be the flashiest fucking magic ever to have that lengthy a fucking blinding whiteout. Considering there was a nuclear weapon about to go off, why did she bother with the theatrics?

Gone was the metal shell, the layers of cesium and protactinium,

Steel: I recognize one of those two elements.

Waterpear: Half of the shell is radioactive and the other half reacts violently with water. Lovely engineering, there.

Neo: It also reacts poorly to logic and facts.

in place of the detonation control system was simple granite in the shape of that device.

NaturalGlitch: We. Get. It. The Sheltering Sky moved quicker than this fanfic.

SC276: I could’ve snail-mailed myself to Japan by now.

The entire weapon was granite now, nothing but common stone, all the way through.

Fallen Prime: You’d think the uberweapon would have protection against that. In fact, how much do you want to bet that it DID have that protection in the original story?

Waterpear: To be fair, you can’t really have protection against uber magic. It’s like trying to beat Calvin at Calvinball.

SC276: Which… actually happened at one point...

twow: WHY DID IT HAVE TO WAIT TEN MINUTES. WHY DID EVERYONE ELSE GET TURNED BEFORE IT WENT OFF.

Steel: Because if it didn’t have a timer, then nobody would be around to switch it off. At least with the ponification, maybe everybody’d forget how it worked, and then... well, boom. It’s a suicide mission! Just the way it should be.

Sigma: I guess he took that detonator for granite.
Darth: Zing!

He could tell because it had cracked in the middle, and he could see down the crack into the stone heart of it.

Steel: A heart of ice, that needed true love to be melted...

MrSing: Only true love can destroy the world now.

Suddenly he realized the true horror of what he was looking at;

NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “A mirror!”

MrSing: A perfect stone replica of this story.

Celestia must have converted the weapon just after it had already detonated;

Fallen Prime: Which would still be way too fucking late.

Steel: Shall I quote the ‘millionth of a second for the concrete to be vaporized’?

Neo: So either Celestia has the best reflexes known to the universe or, Chatoyance is being Chatoyance and Chatoyance-ing all over this story with bullshit.

Sigma: Chatoyance is just inconsistent as hell. Or full of shit. Wait, what do I mean by ‘or?’

Neo: Despite what most people think the two are not mutually exclusive.

SC276: Are you kidding me. Are you trying to tell me that Celestia managed to polymorph a nuclear bomb a split of a split of a split second after its detonated?

she had acted in a space of time so small that it could not be perceived,

NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “I got the timing down when I had to get my eyes examined.”

Simon: So the world around her moves so slow that her interactions with other ponies must feel like Ents trying to talk to Speedy Gonzalez on crack.

a space of time on the level of millionths, perhaps billionths, of a second.

Fallen Prime: No.

twow: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

Steel: Say it with me, everybody! “MARY SUE~, MARY SUE~! WHERE WOULD AUTHORS BE, WITHOUT YOU? WHAT COULD WE, REALLY DO, WITHOUT YOU, MARY SUUUUUUUE~!”

Neo;M-M-M-M-ARY! M-M-M-M-DROP THE BASS! IT’S A REMIXXXXX!

Cola: BWOMMMMMP BWOMMMMMMMMMMMMP!

Waterpear: [MLG AIRHORN]

Sigma: Yeah, you’re banned.

She was not flesh. She could not be a biological creature to do that.

NaturalGlitch: Did...did this writer ever actually watch the show?

RingmasterJ5: Oh god, Glitch, the last thing I needed were Mykan flashbacks.

NaturalGlitch: (claws at own eyes) AUGH!

MrSing: She must have been a perfect stone replica to do that!

SC276: He never considers that she could be biological and just got lucky as all fuck?

She must truly be... a goddess.

Fallen Prime: Or you must truly be... giving her whatever powers the plot needs her to have.

Waterpear: Non-biological creatures are automatically gods. Makes sense. That’s totally not a logical fallacy or anything.

twow: Guys, my eyes are rolling around from how hard I’m laughing. Send help. Please.

Steel: You know, now I wish the bomb had gone off, because Celestia would be all that’s left. Now there’s a tragedy truly befitting an ending to a story like this!

Neo: She must truly be...a Mary Sue Plot Device conceived by a misanthrope author to further elevate the pony race over her own.

Cola: She must truly have jammed the real device up her powered plot.

NaturalGlitch: But...she’s not! I know that’s not a riff at all, but I don’t know how to say it any other way.

Simon: Well, Zeus was a God and, for what I remember, he was quite… biological, with all that sex he had with everything that wasn’t his sister/wife.

Michael turned, and examined his wounds. They were terrible;

NaturalGlitch: Terrible at being wounds or they’re really good at being terrible for being bad—(nose starts to bleed)

he should be dead by now.

SC276: As should this story.

He was not bleeding, and they did not hurt.

Steel: “You readers get it, right? He’s not hurting anymore. He’s not hurting anymore. Please, please tell me you understand— no, Billy, get your head out of the toilet, that’s not drinking water!”

Neo: Wait...so what you’re saying is...it doesn’t hurt?

Waterpear: Those really are some terrible wounds.

MrSing: I’m starting to think that he only got a papercut.

SC276: It’s more like his 3D model swapped textures.

The only thing that could have saved his dying flesh would have been ponification;

Sigma: Well, depending on your idea of saving, sticking it in baggies to be fried and eaten IS saving them.

but he was not changing.

Fallen Prime: Don’t go changing to try and please her. You’ve never let her down before.

Steel: Believe in yourself, Michael! Believe in the true you!

Simon: Wasn’t he not changing because Celestia’s willpower was preventing him from it?

SC276: We’ve been over this, author...

Finally he faced his enemy, Celestia. “Why? Why are you keeping me alive, BITCH?”

twow: Because she gets off on your distress.

Sigma: Get away from my memories of Aliens, you BITCH!

Michael’s hands clenched into fists, his face a mask of hatred and fear.

Steel: A mask would imply he’s hiding something else under all that hate.

Waterpear: He’s hiding the fact that he’s a one-dimensional character. Not very well, but A for effort.

Celestia simply looked at him, her face nothing but compassion now, endless compassion,

NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “Hugs? Come on; they’re free!”

MrSing: She had no eyes anymore. Only compassion.

and this angered Michael even more.

Fallen Prime: “THIS CUNT’S BEING NICE TO ME!”

Neo: “THAT WHORE! HOW DARE SHE DO A COMPLETE CHARACTER 180 FROM HATING MY GUTS!”

Steel: “YOU TOOK AWAY MY BOMB, AND NOW YOU’RE TAKING AWAY MY REASON TO BE ANGRY! IS THERE NO LIMIT TO YOUR BITCHINESS!?”

Axel Nyan: Wasn’t she “Gonna fry your ass up and serve you to the roaches” furious moments ago? I coulda sworn she was.

Sigma: Again: Do you expect consistency from Chatoyance?

“I swallowed that grape shit!

NaturalGlitch: Yeah, this guy sure seems like a winner.

MrSing: “It was delicious!”

Why aren’t I a pony now?

Cola: If I had a nickel for every time some kid said that in my grandfather’s basement...well, I’d probably have been able to pay his legal fees when those charges were filed.

You said I was suspended or something? Why? Why are you doing this?” Michael was confused;

Steel: “Why am I asking so many questions in a single line of dialogue!? Make it stop? Please, make it stop?”

Neo: Also I’d like to establish how many times the author has referenced that the potion is in fact grape flavored.

Fallen Prime: He wouldn’t be bitching if it was bacon-flavored.

Neo: Well Cherry apparently turns you into a mare (this is TCB canon) so maybe Bacon turns you into a pig? Oh wait, THAT’S NOT A PONY SO IT’S WORTHLESS!

nothing made sense anymore.

Steel: Twow. 1 + 1 no longer = 2. It’s 5 now.

Neo: That would imply things made sense to begin with Mikey Boy.

Cola: Finally, four words that will resonate with the reader!

SC276: “There are four lights!”

It wasn’t supposed to be like this!

Steel: “I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO HELL BY NOW!”

Celestia was the enemy,

NaturalGlitch: Is that the name of her cover band?

Fallen Prime: Their first single is “Luna Is the Centerfold.”

and she should be dead.

Neo: “That fact that she turned out to be a god really put a damper on that though.”

Steel: “Maybe if I stare hard enough, her head will explode.”

He should be dead.

MrSing: Buddy, we all wish everyone in this fic was dead.

Why was she even bothering with him? He was just one human among many in this last stand!

Fallen Prime: Even though you... established he was the last?

twow: Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s the last.

Steel: It’s a message.

Sigma: Wait, so, have they already killed (not including conversion here) lots of humans or not?

Cola: Why was she letting him stand here and talk to himself? Why was he talking to himself? Why did birds suddenly appear every time she drew near? Why was the sky blue? Why did frogs jump? Why did Chatoyance publish this instead of keeping it to herself in the name of good taste?

RingmasterJ5: Because she took the first excuse she could (see: writing prompt) that would make writing it be 0.0000000000001% acceptable then ran with it. Into a giant soapbox.

SC276: Why hasn’t the narrative fucking moved on already?!

“I already explained, little one.

Steel: “You were supposed to put your toys away five minutes ago.”

I do not wish you to suffer any resentment or feel any shame for your own actions.”

NaturalGlitch: “So...who wants to be in a cuddle-puddle?”

MrSing: “That’s why I caused the death of billions, because I really care.”

Cola: Ew, a literal cuddle-puddle. All the chunks and liquids, egh.

SC276: This is reminding me of Friendship is Optimal.

Celestia’s voice was calm, her eyes kind.

Steel: Even though her words are childish, coddling and outright disrespectful.

Sigma: And earlier the fic described her gaze as angry.

MrSing: It was a calm and friendly anger.

Cola: ‘A Calm And Friendly Anger’ was -- uh, never mind.

“Shame? SHAME?” Michael was beyond anger now.

Steel: He’d entered a whole new realm of anger now. It was called ‘MAD’.

Neo: He is nettled. Super Nettled.

Sigma: “What you have done is bad, and wrong! No, worse! Badong! And I am not that! I am the opposite of badong! Gnodab!”

RJ: But are we beyond Thunderdome?

“There is NOTHING I have to feel SHAME about!

MrSing: “Except that one time I got really drunk at daycare, but we don’t talk about that.”

Dark Angel: [Michael] “And also a few minutes ago when I kissed a pony. I don’t want to be known for beastiality.”

You fucking monsters;

NaturalGlitch: “You with your adorability and cute eyes—OH GOD MY HEART STOPPED!”

I killed my share of you but it was never enough! If I have any shame, it is because I DIDN’T MANAGE TO KILL MORE OF YOU!”

Fallen Prime: Did you forget about the emotions he went through with his wife there? Did you even remember his wife was there?

Steel: Again, this is Chatoyance. All humans are evil, all ponies are good.

Sigma: Zardoz speaks!

Celestia had a sad look on her muzzle. “You killed nopony.

Steel: “Though you did mess up a lot of the hospital staff during your drug trip. Remind me to keep you out of my stash.”

SC276: Impressive how Celestia managed to turn a nuclear bomb to stone while she was fucking blind to all the bodies everywhere.

Not forever. And no human either.

NaturalGlitch: “In fact, you’re actually in the death throes of a car accident. You’re dying.”

Simon: That was actually the Bad ending in the first Silent Hill. It was weird.

Cola: This guy only wishes.

There is nothing for you to feel sad about. Let me show you.”

From behind Celestia came a myriad of faces, some human,

Fallen Prime: So was the opening just bullshit?

twow: Guys, who’s the good guys again? I don’t think I know anymore.

Steel: The only good guy is Celestia. All else is irrelevant. Even story coherence.

Cola: ...but all of them disembodied, floating, and twisted with insanity and strife. “Michael, you are the last human, and we shall keep you as an example of your lost kind. Suffer the eternal torment!”

most Equestrian. The humans and ponies walked forward and stopped just behind the solar goddess;

NaturalGlitch: Was she behind Celestia?

Fallen Prime: I could have sworn Ra was a dude. Or has he transitioned after millennia of coping with gender dysphoria?

most were unknown to him, but some he recognized; that bastard doctor that ran that Conversion Bureau, the one that cried like a pussy when he slit his throat.

NaturalGlitch: I thought all you could do was make gagging noises when your throat was slit...but I’m not sure how to find out for sure.

The physician’s assistant, what’s her name, that he put a bullet in.

RJ: “What’s her name.” Slightly above “Who’s her face,” but below “ummm, yeah, her.”

Damned race traitors.

RingmasterJ5: The original author must have just loved seeing Chat turn his character into… this.

Fallen Prime: Wait.

twow: GUYS, WERE THERE ANY GOOD GUYS IN THE FIRST PLACE WHO DO I ROOT FOR HELP.

Steel: Root for Celestia, for she is always right. PRAISE THE SUN. PRAISE IT! Also help me.

Neo: I’ll go out on a limb and say this isn’t how the original character acted.

Sigma: “Race traitors?” What is he, a pureblood in Harry Potter?

Cola: It’s slightly worse than being a race cheater, like Rainbow Dash.

That blue unicorn he helped vivisect to get information; the fucker cried like a baby the whole time, and in the end didn’t know anything useful.

NaturalGlitch: ...and the Fluttershy rip-off wants this guy?

Cola: To be fair, you have no idea how hard that guy railed her. Seriously, it was like he was possessed.

By the end Michael had been forced to hear the monster’s entire life story,

MrSing: Every. Single. Individual. Day.

Simon: So it was like playing Assassin’s Creed, then?

none of it useful. Most boring interrogation he’d ever had to suffer through.

Fallen Prime: This is...

Steel: Witness the true purpose of the Conversion Bureau, as a story.

Waterpear: Vivisection and interrogation are not really two things you can do at once.

Neo: What you’ve never Vivigated somebody?

Waterpear: Now that you mention it, I might have engaged in a session or two of interrosection.

Sigma: Why does he keep talking disgustedly and surprised when he mentions that people didn’t like being fucking killed?

The others must have been the ponies he had shot or stabbed or otherwise terminated over the last year.

NaturalGlitch: “Wait, was that the mare he slapped—right on the ears? Or, was it the one he flicked the nose of?”

MrSing: And that one pony he had fired from that one job.

How could they even be here? How would Celestia even know any of these traitors, why would she even bother to show them to him? None of this made any sense.

Fallen Prime: Oh, fuck, guys, we have zombies.

Waterpear: That’s pretty much exactly what “Ten Minutes” is supposed to be. You are currently reading a story where the zombies are the good guys.

Steel: That’s kind of frightening, actually. In what universe could zombies be good guys?

Cola: “These are the souls that shall rend your flesh from here to eternity, little one. Feel no resentment. Soon, your mind shall be gone, and you shall feel nothing at all, ever again.”

“So? What is this, some kind of illusion? Your witchcraft doesn’t scare me, you four-legged fuck!”

SC276: So, what, Celestia has the Resurrection Stone or something?

NaturalGlitch: I think I almost cut myself from all that edge.

Simon: She’s just showing off her Goddess powers at this point, really.

It had to be some kind of spell. They couldn’t be here; if nothing else they were dead. He knew the one’s he remembered were dead.

Fallen Prime: This is... pretty fucked up. You’re blatantly retconning people back to life.

twow: Dude, it’s like Dragon Ball Z. Shenron’s gonna have a field day.

Steel: Field day? He’s only supposed to commit one wish a year, this is like 50 in the space of ten minutes!

“There is some illusion to what you see; let me correct that.” Celestia’s horn glowed briefly;

NaturalGlitch: Her horn also doubles as a nightlight.

Simon: A permanent glowstick; she will be Vinyl’s favorite rave buddy.

Cola: Celestia’s club name is Setting Sun. These ponies’ club names suck.

the humans in the group shifted, wavered like candles in a breeze, in their place were now ponies.

Steel: “And for my next trick, I’m going to make humanity disappear! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Neo: “Tch, all Smoke and Mirrors.”

Sigma: What’re you, Mr. Satan?

Neo: No…(He must never know.)

Cola: “Now, watch the Statue of Friendship as I lift this curtain…”

“I wanted you to see all of your victims, and know who they were. The humans were ponified before they died, and so they joined the herd,

Fallen Prime: I do not think that means what you think it means.

twow: For all intents and purposes, they’re still dead. Unless they actually did come back to life due to being turned and now my head hurts.

Steel: Celestia is the one true god!

and thus they are here, now. You did not see their transformations, so I allowed you to see their previous forms.”

Michael wasn’t following entirely; why was Celestia picking on him, specifically? Why him?

Fallen Prime: Because plot.

Steel: Because this story needed to be turned to the right path and HELP ME GOD I WANNA BE FUNNY!

Simon: Or because he’s the only human left; there’s not many more things to do.

SC276: Can’t this bitch get to the goddamn point already? I got things to do this decade.

“Michael?” A deep brown pegasus stepped slightly forward;

Steel: He was originally colored blue.

Cola: Yeah, but now he’s spent too long in this shitty story.

the creature had just a moment ago been the Conversion Bureau doctor that he had killed. Or thought he had killed;

NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “Curse my arms made of rubber! I can’t hit anything!”

he had moved on, right after slitting the bastard’s throat, maybe there had been time for someone to slip the traitor some potion before he bled out. Michael hadn’t stayed to find out.

Fallen Prime: He wasn’t this cold in the original, was he? Chat’s just making him look like a cock because ew human?

twow: Maybe because ew character.

Steel: Should riff that story next to find out how badly this story ruined his character.

“Michael, I want to tell you something.”

MrSing: You’re adopted.

Cola: You’ve been exposed to the herpes simplex one virus. Since we’ve had sexual intercourse, I have to call you and notify you of this fact.

The pegasus who used to be a doctor seemed calm and slightly worried, a strange tone for someone facing his killer. “I forgive you. I really do.

NaturalGlitch: “I had a kernel stuck in my throat and you got it out. Thanks!”

Cola: I like how the author doesn’t give the audience the chance to decide something is strange. She just plows in and tells us.

I’ve never been happier.

MrSing: All that blood was keeping me down.

Because of you, I was turned into a pony that very day, and my life has been wonderful ever since.

NaturalGlitch: “Now I can do the prancy-dancy all day long! WHOO!”

SC276: “Having no fingers is a blast!”

So, it’s OK. I forgive you.”

Fallen Prime: ...have you ever spoken to another living person before?

Waterpear: “The day I died was the best day of my life!” ~ literally what this guy just said

Neo: Also, OK instead of Okay.

Steel: Gotta love the message this story is laying down.
Kanzlerin: “Love thy killer.”

Waterpear: Forgive us our murders the same way we forgive those who murder us.

Sigma: Do unto others as they’ve done to you?

Cola: It is so, so not okay. It is never going to be okay again at this rate.

There seemed to be tiny tears in the pegasus’s eyes.

MrSing: Michael wasn’t kidding when he said this guy cries like a pussy.

He seemed genuinely concerned.

Steel: “Help me... she has a gun...”

“Wait, are you dead or what?” Michael was getting more confused with every second.

Steel: He was never confused before now, never!

Cola: If he was, Chat would have told us, with excruciating modifiers. “He was dizzily, strangely, surprisingly, adversarially confused!”

SC276: Michael hurt itself in its confusion!

Yet something here was nagging at him. There was something he had heard once.

“Oh, I’m not dead, Michael! I’m very much alive!

SC276: Aaaaaaand there goes the plot.

NaturalGlitch: “Sure, I have this craving for raw liver and spleen, but other than that...”

I live in Trottingham now, in Equestria. I have a wife and two wonderful colts.

NaturalGlitch: “I’m not sure how I managed to get guns over here, but I’m not complaining. Now, how to use them without fingers...”

I’m just here at Celestia’s request to help you. No, don’t fret, I’m perfectly fine!” The doctor / pegasus gave Michael a big smile.

Neo: “NOBODY GIVES A SHIT, LARRY!”

twow: ...Guys. Celestia can bring dead humans back to life with the power of ponies. AND ONLY BY TURNING THEM INTO PONIES.

Steel: And thus, Celestia became God.

Neo: So...can she revive ponies by turning them into other ponies?

Steel: Ponies are born, live, then are reborn as other ponies. That’s one hell of a spiralling circle of life... but what about abortions? Are they just born into other ponies? And what if everyone who can be alive is alive right then? Is everybody just infertile until someone drops dead?

Simon: Dude, you made abortions feel like a reset button. “Ah, I wanted to be a unicorn this time! Kill me, we’ll try again!”

“I’m alive and fine too!”

Neo: You and Larry must have a lot in common.

Cola: I was feeling fine before I started reading this. I miss it.

It was an earth pony, light gray with a bright green mane.

MrSing: Sometimes dead is better.

She had been the physician’s assistant just a moment ago.

NaturalGlitch: I bet Mike wishes the bomb went off in his brain right about now.

SC276: Just Mike?

“And I’m happy now too! Really happy!

MrSing: Did you know that horses naturally secrete opiates inside their brains?

I’m married to a mare, just a wonderful filly,

NaturalGlitch: “She’s 14.”

RingmasterJ5: Hey, doesn’t stop the people making Splatoon R34. (retches violently)

Cola: “Well, she’s 14 as a pony. She was 7 before the ponies took her! Major upgrade, lemme tell you.”

SC276: Wait, the assistant was a girl, and she married a mare? Good to know the massive oppressive alien assimilation has gay rights down.

and we’ve adopted a little foal and... well, listen. I forgive you, Michael. I totally, totally forgive you.”

Fallen Prime: No, I’m really asking. Because this is a bullshit reason to forgive someone for (attempted?) murder.

twow: HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING.

Steel: CELESTIA’S PLAYIN’ WITH THEIR BRAIIIIIINSSSSS.

RingmasterJ5: Actually read that as “Chatoyance” for a second, but to be honest in this story they’re basically interchangeable.

MrSing: “Like, dude, I totes forgive you.”

She grinned at him. That unnerved Michael quite a lot.

Steel: I feel that, brother.

Cola: ...as her flesh continued to peel right off her skull.

“What is this? What is going on?” Michael turned to Lisa, or rather Sky Shimmer,

Fallen Prime: Oh, NOW you acknowledge her? Now that she’s convenient to acknowledge?

Steel: Characters are only acknowledged when important to the story. So pretty much flying entirely in the face of Episode 100.

“Do you understand any of this? What is happening here? Tell me Lisa! Please!”

SC276: “Because God knows Celestia can’t give a straight fucking answer.”

NaturalGlitch: “I did not hit her! I did naaaaawt. Oh hi Mark.”

Neo: “So how is your sex life?”

Michael was frightened now, the last of his bravado and anger failing him.

Steel: And now we fall into telling.
Kanzlerin: The author told us how the characters feel! That makes me feel… sad.

“I’m sorry if you are upset, Michael. But I really think you should listen to what the others have to say. And... I’m Sky Shimmer now.

NaturalGlitch: “My special talent is crashing and burning, and not always in that order.”

MrSing: Lisa was my slave name.

But... I still love you.”

Fallen Prime: Not like the kiss they shared meant that. Did the author even re-read the segment she pasted in before writing this, or did she decide continuity wasn’t important?

twow: I don’t think emotion is her strong suit.

Neo: I don’t think humanity is her strong suit.

Steel: I don’t think writing is her strong suit.
Kanzlerin: I don’t think thinking is her strong suit.

Sigma: Chatoyance can *begins drooling and then recites a Nazi-esque anti-human manifesto* and that’s it.

Neo: Hmmm...sounds about right.

Cola: That was the rapey here’s-your-dose kiss, earlier. Obviously!

The pale yellow pony gently smiled at Michael, and this made him back away, slowly.

Steel: “AH NEVAH SHOULDA EATEN DEM MUSHROOMS!”

Sigma: Fuck you, I can eat all the mushrooms I want!

MrSing: “Oh no, I’m too high. The horses started talking.”

“I forgive you too.” It was a pony in the crowd, the huge crowd, behind Celestia.

NaturalGlitch: [random pony standing behind Celestia] “Hey, guys, I can see the crack of dawn! HAHAHAHAHA! ...why isn’t anypony laughing?”

Michael whipped around to face it, it was purple and gold.

NaturalGlitch: “They call me Ram Rod—want to see why, big boy?”

MrSing: And if there was any mercy in the universe, they were also colorblind.

SC276: Silver and Gold, author. Get your freakin’ songs straight.

Michael had no idea who or what it was.

Fallen Prime: Probably not an “it,” for starters.

Steel: Gender no longer matters! COMMENCE THE MASS FORGIVENESS!

Sigma: Purple and gold? Oh my god, he killed an LA Laker!

“You don’t remember me, do you?” The pony seemed slightly sad at this. “I was walking home with my best friend after going to the market for more hay and some oranges.

NaturalGlitch: “I was going to use the hay as a mane to put it on the orange; it’s literally making friends!”

You and your friends shot us as you drove past.

MrSing: Good times.

You took my head off right here, remember?”

twow: He took your head off with a bullet? Was he using a fucking high-powered sniper rifle?

RingmasterJ5: Maybe he was using one of Fallen’s rusty sawblade guns.

Waterpear: It was a hypergun. It’s just like a regular gun, except it lets you 360noscope entire continents.

Neo: Haven’t you seen? They made a gun capable of shooting rusty saw blades.

Fallen Prime: “They?” I thought I patented that!

Neo: It was ‘Based off of’ your original design in a similar fashion to how this story was based off of Ten Minutes. The gun shoots peeled oranges is what I’m getting at.

Steel: It hasn’t really taken with any major militant organizations, but Marketing is working on it.

Neo: Some nut job named Cave Johnson made it. He said a version that used combustable lemons was in development. We’re eagerly awaiting final testing.

Fallen Prime: Cunting Aperture...

The pony gestured with a hoof.

Cola: It was torn from another pony, and after the gesturing, the pony threw the other hoof away.

twow: Serious question. Was Michael really this much of a bastard? I really want to know.

Neo: I’m going to say...no.

Steel: Only one way to find out.

Seeing that Michael had no idea whatsoever, the purple creature’s ears sank. “You killed me very quickly. I didn’t suffer very long.

NaturalGlitch: “I got better.”

Cola: “‘Tis but a scratch!”

About thirty seconds or so. It wasn’t as bad as you might think, I was mostly just in shock.

MrSing: But it felt like TEN MINUTES!

Anyway, I forgive you.

Kanzlerin: “You brutally murdered me in cold blood. I forgive you instantly.”

Steel: Guuuuh, is anyone else getting kinda sick of MLP now?

SC276: No, MLP would’ve finished the episode two hours ago.

Sigma: I’m just sick in general, but that’s due to a throat infection.

I wish I could have gotten to go to Equestria, but I’ll get to go there next Generation,

Fallen Prime: “Or, god willing, G4.5.”

twow: “When you die, you can be my best friend. Forever.”

Steel: “And ever and ever and EVER...”

Sigma: MLP:FiM GX: The Tale of Background Ponies.

Neo: MLP:FIM:GX:GT:The Next Generation of Not Giving Even a Single Fuck About This Misanthropic Bullshit.

MrSing: You’ll go there Deep Space Nine, and you’ll goddamn like it too.

Cola: NT:E:SUV::?

Dark Angel: So wait...does this mean that that pony is actually dead?

so I guess it will work out in the end. In the meantime, I have a wonderful... existence... here.

NaturalGlitch: He seems so sincere. ...why is this here again?

Anyway, I forgive you.”

Kanzlerin: ...Did a needle skip, or something?

Steel: Now that’d be a mind fuck, wouldn’t it? This is all being played on a brainwashing video!

Cola: Isn’t this story a brainwashing attempt?

Simon: Can’t we just skip through all the forgiveness to the part where the human becomes a pony, or dies, or whatever? I don’t care anymore.

“I’m in hell. That’s what this must be. I’m... in hell.” Michael’s voice was very soft now, and his eyes were wide with quiet horror.

NaturalGlitch: There’s an old video store, but the only movie available is Birdemic.

RingmasterJ5: But it’s permanently rented out and all you can get is the sequel that actually TRIED to be bad and just ended up dull.

“No, Michael, you were in hell. You were in the hell that was human life, the hell that was Earth.

Waterpear: And now you’re in the hell that is “Ten Minutes: Aftermath.”

Fallen Prime: “It was remarkably difficult to find a princess-sized soapbox, so I hope you appreciate my speech.”

Cola: If a goddess cannot make a soapbox sufficiently stable to support her goddessy frame, then why do we call her goddess?

Dark Angel: Actually, she did make one that could support her frame. The problem is that the said goddess has a weakness for chocolate cake.

RingmasterJ5: “The Hell That Was Human Life” sounds more like an emo album than something that should ever come out of the mouth of a cartoon pony.

Neo: And yet here we stand.

Steel: And here we read. I think we all feel less human for it. ...I didn’t actually mean to make that joke, OH GOD THEY’RE CONVERTING ME!

You are far, far from that which you call hell now.”

NaturalGlitch: But...isn’t their version of “hell” Tartarus? Isn’t the show steeped deep in Greek mythology? How would—(ears are now bleeding).

SC276: Actually, sister, I’m pretty sure I’m really damn close.

Celestia stood close to him now, he hadn’t noticed her approach.

Steel: You know that line about elephants and walking quietly. Hoho!

SC276: Are her hoofprints in the butter?

Fallen Prime: She’s apparently Horse Jesus. I’m sure she’s Mary Sue’d the art of flash-stepping.

But then, he was preoccupied with the horror he was feeling.

Cola: Boy, just think about all those times you get preoccupied with horror. I know I sure get distracted by my preoccupation with horror a lot! Sometimes I’m making coffee or writing up a report and then I remember that Cthulhu sits in the waters deep, waiting until the last child is ready and the morsels of flesh are roasted, and by gum, I realize I was getting all preoccupied!

“Why... why don’t you just kill me?

NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “So...no hugs or kisses? None? Aww...”

Cola: I think we’re all asking that question at this point.

Why do this to me? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand.”

Fallen Prime: At this point, no one understands. The narrative’s too muddled.

Neo: The author doesn’t even understand, she’s actually asking us right now.

Steel: I just didn’t understand right from the start.

Sigma: I still don’t understand. I was looking for the toilet. Think that I might’ve found it anyway.

Cola: “It’s because you’re a bad rendition of a two-dimensional character another author created. Also, you’re dumb as a post.”

Michael crouched down on the balls of his feet,

NaturalGlitch: I’m so glad it said feet.

and began to rock gently,

MrSing: “~School’s out, for the summer.~”

SC276: “School’s been blown to pieces, just like I wish the planet was right now.”

supporting himself with his arms. He had been a warrior, a fighter.

MrSing: And a professional Luchador on the side.

He had faced his enemy and he had done what he had to.

NaturalGlitch: Star in fanfics that run around in circles and make little sense?

He had seen terrible, terrible things. But this... this was the worst thing he had ever experienced.

Steel: Honestly? Yeah, this is pretty horrifying! This is absolutely horrifying!

“They all forgive you, Michael. That’s why they are here. To help you. They want you to be free of guilt, to know that it’s OK. They just want you to be happy, Michael.”

Fallen Prime: “Even though you murdered them gorily. I think some brain damage may have carried over in the conversion process.”

Neo: Again, OK instead of Okay.

Steel: If I might speak a bit on this... why is it that ponydom in the show shows all the caveats of human emotion, such as anger, panic, happiness, sadness and overreaction... yet in this story, they only seem to know glee and contentment? Even in the face of being killed? A race of beings that only recognize happiness, even in the face of death. That’s... that’s fucked up, man.

Neo: Better than humans, ladies and gentlemen.

Sigma: Seriously, if she wants him to be happy why is she activating fucking PTSD?

Cola: “They want you to be happy. Happy snorting cocaine 24/7.”

Celestia’s long face

NaturalGlitch: Hey! She’s sensitive about that.

Sven: It all started with a simple trip to the bar...

was close to his head, he could feel her breath.

Cola: Then he could smell her breath, and realized that her last meal was most pleasantly described as “fudge from around the corner”. Ewwww.

“I don’t understand... I just don’t...” Finally, the tiny memory nagging at him surfaced.

NaturalGlitch: “He was experiencing so much horror he needed to change his undies.”

The dream. The Conversion Dream.

twow: Oh, don’t you fucking DARE, story.

Neo: Oh it dares.

Steel: It dared, dares, and will continue to dare.

Neo: It’s almost to the point of Triple Dog Daring.

Sigma: The dream is real. Unfortunately.

Fallen Prime: THE NIGHTMARE BECOMES REALITY.

MrSing: Martin Luther King is spinning in his grave right now.

SC276: I had a dream that all chickens would be free to cross roads and no one will ask why!

Switch had told him about it. Tank too.

Cola: Wait, shit, is this the Matrix now? Switch? Tank? CYPHER? NEO?! *whimpers*

MrSing: Don’t forget his bestest buddies, Car and Lamp.

Cola: Awww! I love Lamp. *choked with emotion* I love Lamp.

They had heard that when humans were Converted, they almost always had dreams. Conversion Dreams.

NaturalGlitch: Tell, then tell some more; that’s how you story!

They would meet Celestia in them, run with a vast herd, see all kinds of things.

MrSing: The potion is actually 20% morphine. Grape flavoured morphine.

Cola: Which would qualify as date grape.

The taste of artificial grape was still in his mouth.

NaturalGlitch: “Made with natural ingredients my hoof. Wait—hoof?! OH NO!”

Lisa had given him potion, he’d swallowed the whole thing, he couldn't help himself.

NaturalGlitch: So—many—jokes—filling up—brain!

Besides, it didn’t matter, the bomb was just about to...

Fallen Prime: Tap-dance the macarena.

Steel: It would take Broadway by nuclear storm!
Kanzlerin: The reviews are practically glowing!

Dark Angel: It was radiating talent.

This must be his Conversion Dream. It was the only explanation. That was why all the ghost ponies were here, why Celestia was taking such an interest in him, specifically.

NaturalGlitch: “Or maybe it was that Axe Body spray he put on.”

Oh, god, that meant that the bomb hadn’t detonated,

SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!

and any moment he would wake up, changed. He would be like all the others hit by potion -

MrSing: The potion is a metaphor for marriage. Grape flavoured marriage.

Cola: Anal grape flavored marriage.

he wouldn’t be himself anymore.

NaturalGlitch: And about now, he realizes that’s not such a bad thing.

He’d be one of those smiling robots.

Fallen Prime: I mean, considering their behavior so far, I actually think he’s got an appropriate descriptor.

Steel: Did Chatoyance just take a crack at her own story?

Waterpear: It’s like she tried to make fun of her detractors but ended up making a sick burn on herself.

Neo: That’s hilarious in a really sad way.

SC276: The ultimate schadenfreude.

“Just do it.” Michael was sobbing now. “Just finish it, Celestia. I’m ready to be a pony now. Just make it stop. I can’t stand this.

NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “But you’re sitting.”

SC276: We’re not doing so hot ourselves.

You’ve had your revenge. Just end it. I know this is a dream. I know this isn’t real. Just end it, finish it.”

twow: At least he’ll be happy soon?

Neo: Question mark?

Steel: There is no happiness here. For he will soon be part of more fanfiction... of OC x Canon fics, where he’ll be forced to bang everyone in Ponyville. Just like everybody else...

NaturalGlitch: Wait, I thought dreams were Luna’s department.

“This is real, Michael.” Celestia raised her head;

Steel: “This isn’t just f—” NO.

Sigma: “This isn’t a dream, it’s real. There’s just no sense or basis of being in reality or sensibility.”

Cola: “The author really wrote these words and really felt these things. Believe it or not, it’s all fucking real, and you are really a character at her mercy. Weep.”

Michael stared up at her, he couldn’t help it after such a statement. “This is perfectly real.

Steel: “According to me.”

There are many kinds of real, little one.

NaturalGlitch: “Like how I’m actually really good at bowling, and my sister doesn’t totally own me at the rink. Yep.”

MrSing: Keep it real, little one.

SC276: It’s real from a certain point of view.

The magic of Equestria is deep and profound.

Steel: “I regularly make it my bitch.”

Neo: “I use it make things bright on command...with THE SUN!”

Where we are now is just as real as any other place, it is just a different real, a different place.

NaturalGlitch: “Kind of like a coma.”

MrSing: An artificial kind of real.

Simon: I brought you to the real according to someone’s headcanon.

SC276: I think I read about something like this in Alice in Wonderland and Philosophy, except that was actually thought-provoking to read and not making me want to hurt somebody.

RJ: Oooh, she has the newest Oculus Rift!

These ponies are real, and their forgiveness is real. All you have to do is accept it.”

Fallen Prime: “All sales final. No refunds.”

Neo: “...Hmm...NO DEAL!”

Steel: And then they were playing Deal Or No Deal!

SC276: “Choose three more cases.”

Sigma: Wow, the Jehovah’s Witness thing suddenly seems too accurate.

Neo: I told you you couldn’t escape them.

Michael’s mind spun; what bullshit was this? “What the fuck are you talking about?”

NaturalGlitch: Seriously now.

Simon: Pfff this feels like one of those overstretched endings of a JRPG.

SC276: I’d rather play an overstretched JRPG than read this.

Some of his anger had returned now.

Steel: Someone get me off this crazy emotional roller coaster!
Kanzlerin: “I want to get off Mrs. Chat’s Wild Ride!”

SC276: Stop the fanfic, I’d like to get off.

Cola: My anger is building, as is my sadness and confusion.

“What kind of shit is this?”

SC276: That’s what we want to know!

Steel: “Yours. During your panic attack, you, uh... had an accident.”

Cola: “Well, it still smells better than your breath, horseface.”

“In your world, there is no magic.”

MrSing: If there is no magic, then explain how the Red Sox won the Word Series.

SC276: With Excel?

Simon: But… but… Santa...

Celestia sounded as if she were teaching a kindergarten class.

SC276: Don’t be ridiculous, story, kindergarten classes are actually interesting.

Locklen: Any technology that is sufficiently advanced is indecipherable from magic.

Steel: More points that Celestia is God.

“To you, to a human, a dream is just a dream. But in a world with magic, dreams are more;

NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “Like the kind where you go to a play naked and forget your lines?”

Simon: That was a shitty debut in the porn industry. Never got called back.

they are another type of real,

MrSing: Like the voices in my head.

at least some dreams, and you are in just such a real dream now, and here is just as real as the world you think you know.”

Kanzlerin: “Is this the real life~?”

Cola: Is this just fantasy?

RingmasterJ5: Caught in a bad fic…

Cola: ...no escape from banality.

Michael had heard enough. “Just tell me what you want me to do to end this.” He meant it. Anything.

NaturalGlitch: Well, first you hit the backspace key. Then, you don’t stop.

RJ: After that, open up the command prompt and type format c:/ and hit enter.

RingmasterJ5: Then, just to be safe, take your computer and toss it out the nearest second-story window.

SC276: Make it third, just to be safe.

Cola: Not enough. The author would still have the ending in their memory. Follow the computer out the window! It’s the only way to be sure.

Just let it be done.

Fallen Prime: And yet there’s still more story.

Steel: No matter how badly we wanted it to end.

Dark Angel: The Neverending Story ended before this.

“Hear that they forgive you. Accept that. Forgive yourself for your actions as a human. You could not help what you did. No human can.

NaturalGlitch: “It’s like a sneeze or an appetite for genocide.”

MrSing: I forgive myself for eating those three tubs of ice cream. I’m only human after all.

You were as much a victim of your humanity as those behind me.” Celestia’s horn glowed,

Fallen Prime: and she reinforced the soapbox to make sure it would continue supporting her weight. Then she left to check on her straw man.

Neo: She made it with Juniper, strong ass wood right there.

Steel: Redwood just didn’t cut it before.

MrSing: “Except for Larry, fuck that guy.”

Neo: Fuckin Larry, ruining everything.

SC276: GODDAMMIT STEVE.

and lifted Michael back to his feet. “You have been the victim of the meat you were made of,

NaturalGlitch: “—panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. What is it you fear? The end of your trivial existence?”

MrSing: My meat made me do it!

Simon: I can’t go to burlesque bars anymore, and it’s all its fault!

the cold world you grew up in, and the genetic behaviors you were programmed with.

NaturalGlitch: I think this is part of the plot for Mass Effect.

Simon: I knew choosing the “asshole” options would have consequences, but never this dire.

You were as helpless in your actions as any of the machines Mankind delights in making. But now, you are truly free.”

twow: Is it really his fault that two humans banged and made him? That’s not fair.

Steel: “Not truly free. Just released from one cage to another.”
Kanzlerin: And then someone threw away the key.

Sigma: “You are now free to become pony against your will and be forced into a situation you vigorously protested. You are truly free.”

Cola: “You are entirely free to make the choice I’ve provided that you will make once I finish it.”

“If I am free, then send me back and let me activate that bomb!”

NaturalGlitch: Too late; we’re reading it.

Michael stood defiantly and glared at Celestia.

Fallen Prime: Chat? If you want him to be in the wrong, stop making him look more sensible than his opponents.

“Is that truly what you want to do?”

Cola: Hell, it’s what I want to do at this point.

SC276: Beats reading this.

Celestia looked him square in the eye; her gaze made him shrink slightly. “Look at your lovely mare, here, Sky Shimmer.

NaturalGlitch: Mike is a mare? What a twist!

She is beautiful, kind, and she loves you. Do you truly wish to kill her?”

Steel: “Too bad I’m Christian.”

Cola: Kane? Grey?

Sigma: Bale? Are you Batman?

Michael looked down at Lisa, his Lisa. Even as a pony, she was beautiful. He loved her. He loved her, even in that body, he loved her.

NaturalGlitch: “She was so tiny and cute and OH GOD MY HEART IT STOPPED AGAIN!”

MrSing: We just learned something about Mike here that should never have been learned.

It had been easier when she wasn’t there. But she was, and she was in front of him, and it wasn’t easy now.

Fallen Prime: It’s not like you’d already come to terms with dying together or anything.

Neo: Shhhhhh, don’t just let the stupid plot over take you.

Steel: It already took the story, don’t let it take you too!

MrSing: “It was moderately difficult now.”

“I... I don’t want to die, Michael. I... I want to live with you. I want to live in love with you.”

NaturalGlitch: ...why?

MrSing: “♫Always, I wanna be with you, and make believe with you, and live in harmony, harmony, oh love!♫”

The words were simple, but it was clear she meant them. “I serve Celestia, just as you served your cause,

MrSing: “Killed a few doctors myself, did a few drive-by shootings. The works.”

but... I don’t want to hurt anypony anymore.

SC276: Then stop making me want to hurt you.

Celestia doesn’t engage in violence. But she can’t allow violence either. That bomb... it would have killed... everything.

NaturalGlitch: “Even the poop stains you left when you were scared out of your mind.”

I can’t accept that kind of thing being justified anymore, Michael. It’s wrong.”

Fallen Prime: You say “anymore” like it’s a universal mindset. I think the split between the author’s fans and her critics is proof that humans are not of one mind on this shit.

twow: Did they get to choose in the original story? Because if not, that’s still bullshit.

Steel: The fact that this is all being forced, and humans are being converted without willingness to do so, just... works against everything. It’s scary, man.

SC276: The matter of consent is the major deal breaker with this whole ‘verse. I don’t remember whether or not the original fic stated that being pony was a completely voluntary choice, I read the original Fan/fic/ riff years ago. If it was, I wouldn’t have a problem with it, you could get some good social commentary mileage out of it maybe. But if it’s not, it’s just wrong. Especially if there’s a complete emotional override. You are not the Caretaker.

Sky Shimmer looked down. “I just want to live in love, forever. With you. Please.”

Steel: “Let’s make beautiful fanfiction together!”

Sigma: Live in love, forever. Sounds like a really shitty white person romance novel. Maybe something by James Patterson.

Cola: This fall: Live In Love Forever, starring Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Garner.

MrSing: It’s a war documentary.

Michael felt his heart sink. Now he knew he couldn’t do it. Even if the device was right in front of him.

NaturalGlitch: I thought it was turned into stone. It seems like everyone else in this story is stoned too.

He just couldn’t do it. She was right here.

MrSing: He seems to be suffering from major stage fright. Just imagine all the ponies are naked.

NaturalGlitch: Like...bald? No hair or mane? I guess being spooked some more won't hurt.

She was here, and he couldn’t do it anymore. He... didn’t want to. Not like that.

Steel: He sat down to claim his final wish, and accidentally plopped onto the detonator. The bomb went off and killed everyone.
Kanzlerin: Yay! Happy end!

“Alright. Fine. No, I don’t want to kill her. I never actually wanted to kill anyone.

NaturalGlitch: Have you been in the same fanfic the whole time or did you faze in and out?

I just wanted to make you... aliens... leave. Just leave us be. You came and invaded us. You came and turned us into you.”

Fallen Prime: EXACTLY.

Neo: Don’t get too excited, she’ll double back soon enough.

Steel: And thus, Celestia is made out to be the genuine villain she is in this story!

Michael turned to face Celestia again. “You killed us, you... ponies. You killed us, you killed our entire species. What were we supposed to do?”

NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “Have dance parties?”

“Are you dead?” Celestia’s question seemed absurd.

Fallen Prime: Sooooooooo... because one human wasn’t killed, NO humans were killed?
Kanzlerin: A single living soul is a miracle. A million dead ones is just rotten luck.

Steel: That bullshit was just vomited all over the floor, and Celestia did it with a straight fucking face. What a trooper, lying like that.

Cola: Feels like it.

MrSing: Aren’t they standing amid corpses at this very moment?

“No. Of course not. I’m talking to you right now. Of course I’m not dead!” Michael sneered at Celestia.

“Is Sky Shimmer, the one you knew as ‘Lisa’, dead?”

NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “This is tough for me to follow. Am I dead?”

“No... I mean yes... not exactly. I don’t know.” Michael was torn inside.

Steel: THE EXTINCTION OF AN ENTIRE SPECIES WILL STILL HAPPEN, EVEN IF YOU CONVERT IT TO ANOTHER. Would rhinos be ‘dead’ if we converted them all into giraffes? Yes! Because there would be NO RHINOS LEFT.

Cola: “She will be in a minute.” *snaps her neck*

“She isn’t human anymore. She’s Lisa, but she’s not Lisa, now she’s this yellow pony. There are things about her I recognize, I know Lisa, and she’s Lisa, but she’s also not.

NaturalGlitch: I think Mike is having a stroke here.

SC276: Just Mike?

MrSing: Quick! Grab his wallet!

Cola: Call the ambulance, we got an embolism!

Sigma: “You are TEARING ME APART, Lisa!”

Lisa would have shot you right in the face, not bowed to you. But yet... she’s Lisa too, and... I don’t know.”

“When she kissed you, was that the one you love?”

Waterpear: Yes, Michael. Don’t think about philosophical concepts like identity or bodily autonomy or liberty. Think with your dick.

Neo: Sadly the human body only has enough blood to either run the dick or the brain at any given time.

Steel: Gotta love instinct in those situations.

Sigma: I love boners!

MrSing: You know, that kiss she only gave you to forcibly change you into another species. Doesn’t that sound like her?

Michael thought about that.

Dark Angel: That’d be a first.

Fallen Prime: You didn’t seem to need to think about it when you both thought you were gonna die.

Steel: Nobody really thinks when they’re at the end of a gun.

Sigma: I doubt that any Chat character can really think very hard.

Cola: It’s really telling that we have to clarify what he’s thinking about. It couldn’t have just been the question he was asked, was it? Let’s leave no room to doubt! He’s not thinking about roast beef. He’s not thinking about the ‘92 World Series. He’s not thinking about ennui. He’s not thinking about bubble gum.

She had kissed him with the lips of a pony muzzle, not a human face, yet in that intimate moment, he knew more perfectly than what his eyes showed him, that it was his Lisa,

NaturalGlitch: “—because Lisa always had the breath of a horse.”

his wonderful Lisa. “I’m sorry” she had said, even as she forced the potion, stored in her large pony cheeks, down his throat.

Cola: Sexiest line in the whole fic.

MrSing: Don’t talk with your mouth full, missy.

RJ: Am I the only one who’s getting the image of pony with it’s cheeks puffed out like a squirrel?

She must have wanted him to be a pony like her, to be her stallion...

RJ: Like that one night in Vegas. But we won’t get into that.

but she still cared about what he wanted in that moment,

NaturalGlitch: “—like when he wanted to get Daikatana instead of System Shock 2.”

RingmasterJ5: Celestia’s about to make you her bitch… holy shit that has way worse implications when mindgrape is in play.

MrSing: Caring means you do what you want without considering other people's needs, right?

Cola: Wow, this story’s just full of grape left and right.

that he wanted to remain human... and she had said she was sorry.

twow: THAT DOES NOT MAKE WHAT SHE DID RIGHT.

Steel: NONE OF THIS IS RIGHT!
Kanzlerin: I AM YELLING TO EXPRESS MY FRUSTRATION!

Cola: LOUD NOISES!

SC276: *INDETERMINATE SCREAMING*

All this time, he, and Switch and Tank and Maverick...

RJ: And Goose and Iceman...

Dark Angel: And Grumpy and Doc and Dopey...

they had considered the ponified, the newfoals,

Fallen Prime: Please tell me the TCB crowd doesn’t actually say that.

Waterpear: I would tell you they don’t say that, but I’d be lying.

twow: Hahahahaha-

Neo: AHAHAHAHAH-Kill me.

Steel: This is depressing me now.
Kanzlerin: Dammit, my therapist is overworked as it is.

Neo: Can I get her/his number? I might need some professional help after this.

Cola: Wait, Maverick? So this is like, MLP, The Matrix, and Top Gun? Actually, that’s probably a crossover fic in the box right now, I bet. I’m gonna go read that.

to be nothing more than puppets. Just robots, controlled by Celestia.

NaturalGlitch: I think you’re confusing Celestia with Chrysalis, and the latter legitimately brainwashes ponies in canon.

Simon: And even then, hivemind is more about having a mounted radio system connected to all members by design. It’s not like she can control ponies to do whatever. Damn, she sucks at doing that on the show.

They were better off dead, that was what Tank had said; because they had lost all of their free will.

Sigma: Anyone else imagining a genocidal tortoise when he says Tank?

SC276: That’d be funnier, actually, if the animals fought back. No one ever talks about the animals in these stories.

But... Lisa... Sky Shimmer.... had said she was sorry. She had hesitated, though she had followed Celestia’s command.

NaturalGlitch: Wait. But...I...what?!

MrSing: I’ll prove I’m not a mindless robot! Just give a command and I’ll follow it to the letter!

Those were not the actions of a robot without free will.

Waterpear: Yes, by programming a robot to pause before it does your bidding, you too can create a machine that passes the Turing Test.

Axel Nyan: For only 52 easy payments of 499.99$, you too can own your very own lifelike robot!~ Guaranteed to pass any test!

Steel: Give it your homework! Tell it a joke! Order it to end all mankind! We guarantee success in any and all operations!

Sigma: These characters are about as free as fucking Bonzi Buddy.

RingmasterJ5: Chat had that on her computer, but it uninstalled itself after it saw her stories.

“Lisa... Sky Shimmer.” Michael crouched down to look her in the eye. “Why did you do what Celestia told you to do? Why did you ask to convert me back then?”

Fallen Prime: I don’t think you get to say “back then” for something that only happened a few minutes ago.

Steel: Time’s all fucked up right now.

Cola: Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey, sucky wucky.

SC276: Well it made sense in the original fic, go out kissing your love, but then this fic had to make you live, so let’s hear the bullshit reason now.

The yellow mare smiled up at him. “You were going to get converted anyway;

SC276: Assuming he lived.

MrSing: Freedom, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful, beautiful freedom.

if it had to happen, I wanted to be the one to do it.

NaturalGlitch: “Now drink this batch of potions. Please ignore the skull and crossbones on them.”

Cola: “The horrible burning sensation means it’s working.”

I didn’t want it to happen to you from somepony that didn’t care about you... the way that I do.”

twow: And...?

Steel: “Right, I’m getting a divorce.”

“But why do what Celestia says?” Michael studied her eyes, trying to determine if she really did have free will in there.

Kanzlerin: “She has a fantastic dental plan.”

Cola: “Only she can tell me where my other kidney is hidden.”

“I want to obey Celestia. I want to serve her, Michael, because she truly is good.

NaturalGlitch: “And she does this one trick with her mane to look like a giant afro; it’s hilarious!”

In every battle we were in, do you remember? Ponies never hurt any human.

twow: Besides you know...the whole forceful conversion thing.

SC276: Blood and ichor in the same system can’t possibly be healthy.

Neo: FOOL! ARE YOU NOT AWARE THAT SHE IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY!? SHE CAN DO NO WRONG, NOR CAN ANY PONY!

Steel: PRAISE HER, PRAISE HER YOU IDIOT!

Neo: PRAISE HER LIKE THE SUN, WHICH SHE MAKES HER BITCH EVERY MORNING!

Sigma: Obviously ponies hurt humans SOMEWHAT if he’s this traumatized.

They always tried to save the very ones that were killing them. Remember how we used to laugh about that, like it was stupid, like it was their weakness that we could exploit?”

Cola: “It was friggin’ hilarious, of course I remember! Bahaha!”

Sky Shimmer looked very sad at the memory. “It wasn’t a weakness, Michael. It was kindness.

MrSing: A kinda weak kind of kindness.

SC276: Kill them with kindness.

It was love for other living creatures. We shot them down while they were trying to save our own fallen soldiers.

NaturalGlitch: “Those pie launchers were really hot, you know.”

What use is humanity if that is what it thinks is good?”

Fallen Prime: Oh my god how is this meant to be taken seriously.

Axel Nyan: There are several books and pages I could find at the local library regarding the selfless acts of countless nameless soldiers to save another trooper.

Neo: Yeah but...fuck the good humanity has done, let’s just focus on the bad because that’s hip with the kids.

Steel: Can we end this nightmare now?
Kanzlerin: “You can’t have a nightmare, if you never dream…”

Neo: The nightmare never ends. Never.

They had done just that. When a soldier fell, hit by the shrapnel from his own grenade, or hit by friendly fire,

NaturalGlitch: “Oops! Had this thing aiming the wrong way. Sorry, Donny!”

or even just in the throes of Conversion after being hit by potion,

SC276: Wait, that thing is a splash weapon? Then why didn’t it bother Ms. Not-Fluttershy while it was in her mouth?

the ponies always stopped for them.

Sigma: Yeah, but they’re like necromancers, dead or alive apparently they can add you to their force.

And both he and Lisa had used the opportunity to bag more ponies. And they just kept coming, trying to help, even when they were being gunned down.

NaturalGlitch: “Maybe we shouldn’t have used Juju beans for ammo.”

It didn’t seem so fun, now. It didn’t seem like a noble fight, now. Michael remembered shooting his own men, as they were changing. The memory made him cringe.

Neo: You’re not the only one cringing here pal, trust me.

Steel: We all are.

“Michael, all you have to do is imagine, just imagine,

MrSing: If she starts singing John Lennon songs I’ll scream.

that maybe what matters isn’t race, or species, or whether a person has thumbs or hooves.

NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “But how am I supposed to play my computer games with hooves?!”

Try to imagine that what matters is... kindness. Love. Just being... nice.”

Fallen Prime: There are people capable of doing that, you know. Or do your fans not exist to you?

Steel: I like how she brings that up, while the human species is now down to its last member.

Sigma: Imagine a world where Chatoyance can write. It’s hard, I know.

MrSing: Is that world in one of those fake kind of realities?

SC276: Sounds dull as hell. If you just have nice, you can’t have Wario, and then you can’t have Wario Land 4, and I refuse to accept any reality where that is the case.

Sky Shimmer pressed her head against his.

NaturalGlitch: “She forgot that her eyes make up almost half her face.”

“Maybe being human isn’t what we should be fighting for.

MrSing: You’re right! We should be fighting for what really makes us humans. The outcome of soccer matches.

Maybe we shouldn’t even be fighting at all.”

SC276: Or maybe that’s just the pony in your brain talking, ever think of that?

It was pointless anyway; humanity was beaten in any case. If Celestia could stop a hypernuke with a spell in mid-detonation,

Fallen Prime: Which NO SHE CAN’T.

twow: Question. If that nuke was supposed to take out EVERYTHING then...why the fuck was it so close to the battle?!
Kanzlerin: ...You know, it occurs to me that they could have, y’know, hidden the bomb away somewhere secret, and THEN detonated. But, hey, that doesn’t make for a very action-packed story, does it now?!

Neo: Better yet, defend a fake bomb while the real one was hidden away. Still allows for action while still allowing a neat twist at the end. BUT FUCK THAT SHIT.

Steel: If the original author had thought of that, Celestia would’ve just known about it anyways. Because MARY SUE, MARY SUE, DO DOOOO DODO DO!

Neo: “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it actually Jesus? No! It’s MARY SUE!”

Sigma: It’s a puma.

NaturalGlitch: Hypernuke. Heh. I guess Mega and Terra were already taken.

there was no weapon on earth that could ever stop her invasion.

MrSing: Chrysalis confirmed to be stronger than a superduper nuke.

When humans fought, the result were bullet-ridden corpses. When ponies fought, if it could even be called fighting,

NaturalGlitch: But...we’ve seen them legitimately fight on the show.

SC276: Silly Glitch, thinking this has any tangible relation to the show whatsoever.

the result was smiling ponies.

MrSing: Those ponies sure loved fighting.

If it was being a zombie, they sure seemed like happy zombies.

NaturalGlitch: (overly creepy smile) Welcome~

Happier than any human had ever been. Happier than he... had ever been.

Fallen Prime: Does the word “Stepford” mean anything to you?

Steel: Nope, but ‘living a lie’ does.

Sigma: This just sounds like brainwashing.

Cola: By this logic, shouldn’t everyone on Earth be taking lithium, or something?

And Lisa was still Lisa, even if she was Sky Shimmer. She just wasn’t Violent Lisa.

Fallen Prime: Was Lisa violent in the original fic?

Neo: I don’t even think Chat read the original.

Steel: I think I’m gonna rage in a bit.

Neo: And then you’ll be Violent Steel, as opposed to normal Steel.

MrSing: You should have seen her when she was Super Saiyan Lisa.

SC276: Not to be confused with Mona Lisa. Not that moaning wouldn’t be justified...

She was Kind Lisa,

NaturalGlitch: Hopefully we never see Amorous Lisa.

like in all of those intimate moments, only... all the time. Was that really such an evil thing?

Axel Nyan: Yes. Yes it is. And I’ll stop there to keep myself from going into a rant about the type of mind rape this is.

Steel: Every single pony is a machine entirely focused on the ‘good’ in the world, they can’t feel anything else! Violence is a part of evolution, because without it, the hunt for us suddenly becomes very fucking easy when predators are picking ponies off, because they don’t defend themselves!

Cola: Wait, shit. That actually makes a lot of sense -- ponies are the apex predators, they’ve just shifted from violence in their past to conversion in their present! That would make such a creepy fucking fic. Y’know, if it were written by someone with a sense of ethics or autonomy.

Michael began to doubt the point of his war.

MrSing: Like, war, what is it even good for, man. Absolutely nothing.

SC276: ~It’s good for you... It’s good for me…~

The more he killed them, the more they tried to be nice.

NaturalGlitch “The power of huggles compels you!”

MrSing: I heard that if you kill five ponies they’ll bake a cake for you.

And all those he had shot and bombed and hurt... forgave him.

Sigma: Truly it is a sign of good heartedness and not just magic and mind rape.

What did he have to show for all of his efforts? Blood, and pain, and holes in his own body.

Fallen Prime: If ponies are non-violent, how did he get wounded?

“I’m ready now.”

Fallen Prime: He said, his legs spread and his rear presented.
Kanzlerin: Someone give him a pillow to bite.

Neo: It was all ogre now...

Steel: He was gonna take it like a soldier, though. And because he had a grenade stuck up there.

Neo: He actually had the real nuke there all along.

Celestia looked serious. “Why?”

twow: Because the human race was boned anyway?

Steel: This is the most fucking drawn out ‘game over’ I’ve ever seen.

RingmasterJ5: Yeah, can’t we just have a simple Soulsbourne-esque “YOU DIED”? That way I can get back to running chalice dungeons instead of reading horse-supremacist fanfiction.

MrSing: “Sorry, what were we talking about? I kinda zoned out.”

“Because I would rather live in love with Li... Sky Shimmer, than go on thinking I’m right about everything. Because I really am sick of killing and seeing things die.

NaturalGlitch: “—all of a sudden.” On the other hand, this fic has runabout enough.

Because I know humans can’t win and right now... I’m no longer sure I even want them to.”

Fallen Prime: I don’t think the nuke was actually a win for either of them.

Neo: It seemed more like a final desperate attempt at saying fuck you.

Steel: A way of stopping ponies from taking anything else, ever.

“Oh, Michael!” Sky Shimmer was smiling, tears in her eyes.

Sigma: And then, everything exploded.

SC276: Yep. Friendship is Optimal.

“Then what do you want?” Celestia spoke softly.

Kanzlerin: “A hippopotamus. Just one will do.”

MrSing: WHAT!? I STILL CAN’T HEAR YOU!

SC276: AYE AYE CAP- wait still wrong show.

“I want to be alive with Sky Shimmer. I don’t care how. I want to be... I want to be a stallion for her. I want to live in love with her.”

NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “You have chosen to be a mare? Well, OK, if that’s what you really want...”

Dark Angel: [Michael] “Thank yo- wait, what?! No, I wanted to be a sta-” *POOF*

Celestia smiled. “Welcome, then, welcome to the...”

Fallen Prime: “RAPE DUNGEON.”

Neo: Here’s your complimentary ‘I Survived The Rape Dungeon’ Tee-Shirt! You have to return it if you die though.

Steel: “Son of a bitch, I was gonna sell it on EBay.”

* * * * *

“Michael? Michael?”

Kanzlerin: “Mike? MIIIIIIIIIKE!”

Steel: “FUCK’S SAKES, THAT’S THE FOURTH TIME I DIED AGAINST CELESTIA! Stupid fucking Nikita launcher, running out of ammo...”

Cola: Richards? Myers?

Fallen Prime: Bueller?

SC276: “SNAKE? SNAKE?! SNAAAAAAAAAKE!!”

Dark Angel: “KHAAAAAAAN!!!”

Michael’s eyes began to focus; the sweet yellow face in front of him was busy licking his muzzle and kissing him.

NaturalGlitch: [Sky Shimmer] “Yum! All your drool is delicious!”

“Sky...? Am... am I alive?”

Neo: In a shocking turn of events the bomb actually did go off and he’s in heaven now. Although Chat wrote this so I guess it should be hell because OMG SO EVUL.

Steel: I wish it did, and that they really were in Heaven.

Neo:...Did you forget who wrote this?

Steel: No, but I like fooling myself.

“Oh, Michael, of course you’re alive! We never kill anypony.

MrSing: “Everything that isn’t a pony is dead meat, however.”

You’re alive, and you’re healed and I’m so glad you’re finally one of us!”

NaturalGlitch: [Sky Shimmer] “Sure, I can’t seem to turn a doorknob, and I don’t know the first thing about hooficures, but...”

Sky Shimmer kissed him deeply, this time on the mouth, and it was sweet, and passionate, and it made Michael feel warm and happy inside.

Fallen Prime: Did you never feel that as a human? What the fuck was your love LIKE?

twow: They rode motorcycles together.
Kanzlerin: While playing card games.

Neo: Neither of them knew the rules though. Nobody did really, they just kind of did whatever they wanted.

Steel: And that was cool with him.

Cola: And that was cool with her.

SC276: And then they all became the Brady Bunch?

And he did feel happy. He felt happier than he had ever felt before. He had always suffered from depression - that weight was gone.

NaturalGlitch: Because nothing depressing ever happened in Equestria ever.

All the negative thoughts, all the angry feelings, they were just... gone. He felt lightheaded. It was like...

RJ: A lobotomy? Not like that would be a bad thing right now.

it was like he had been carrying a ton of bricks on his back, and now... they were all gone.

Fallen Prime: ...she does know that asshole ponies exist, right? Like, not even the unwilling convertees I mentioned, but we have Flim and Flam, actual con artists, and cult leader Starlight Glimmer, to name just SOME.

Waterpear: They’re all descended from a human. I shit you not, that is how Chatoyance headcanons them.
Kanzlerin: I’m tempted to ask how that even works, but, I don’t think I really care now.

Neo: “Sir please do not point out the plot holes, it’s against Fic Policy.”

Steel: They’re seriously descended from humans? Really? Oh God, she really will relate any bad behavior back to humanity.

Neo: Man it’s almost like she’s a childish misanthrope.

Fallen Prime: ...that might literally be the single most depressing yet hilariously ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard. How can she even justify that in a universe where humans are not and were never a presence?

Waterpear: Some guy from medieval England saved Celestia’s life and got turned into a pony as a reward or something. It ties in with the “humans have no souls,” too.

Fallen Prime: If I hadn’t dealt with Felix Dawn, Mykan, and TheSequentialArtMan on multiple occasions each, and thus seen the true abyssal depths of human madness... I would swear you were trolling me.

Neo: Maybe Chat is the real troll. Maybe she isn’t this stupid and she’s waiting for the right moment to pull a ‘got ya’ on us. Hopefully. Maybe. Not a chance in hell.

SC276: Lightheaded, feeling no burden… That is pretty much exactly Hollywood hypnotic trance.

Michael raised a foreleg and brought it to his face.

Steel: The last remnant of his humanity possessed it and punched him square in the face, firing cartilage up into his brain.

Neo: I would actually be okay with that ending.

Cola: “Sky Shimmer wept for about two seconds, but then the grieving process was aborted by magical superhappy vibes. She pranced away from his lifeless corpse as blood gushed out of his shattered skull. The end!”

A shining red hoof, new and strong, gleamed in the light. He turned it, studying it.

MrSing: His body is now 80% chrome.

NaturalGlitch: I wonder how many bronies still think hooves have nerve endings. Most of them don’t know equines have hair instead of fur, and—(a safe falls on his head, bounces in the air from the initial impact, then smashes right on the same spot). Ouchie.

Then he placed it on the ground, testing it. Finally, he put his weight on it, and tried to stand up. He was a little wobbly, but managed to make it to his hooves.

Sigma: Then, just to make sure it worked, he jerked off a bit.

Cola: Then, just to make sure that wasn’t a fluke, he jerked off a lot more.

NaturalGlitch: And seeing the hoof is like a metallic finger nail, the skin of his dwarfish "Mike" flayed across the room in colossal strips of venous blood.

SC276: OK, now I feel about to throw up.

Sky Shimmer pressed her soft, pale yellow body to his, steadying him. He looked around. The scene was much the same as in his Conversion Dream, only the crowd of ponies were not there.

NaturalGlitch: “They were all in the bathtub, ready for step two.”

MrSing: The dead bodies were still everywhere though.

Neo: And so was the Bomb! HI BOMB!

The device was solid stone, just as in the dream.

Fallen Prime: Did Celestia jack the Elements?

twow: They’re still on Earth, right? Can it even be called that now? I don’t think it can.

Steel: They probably call it ‘Dirt’ now.

Neo: It’s called Evil Bad Nasty Human World.

Cola: It’s called “Our new pony planet, because fuck the humans.”

“My stallion! You made it! It’s so good to see you!” It was Tank, now a fine stallion.

Sigma: I thought Tank was a tortoise.

Cola: Wrong Tank. I got a little confused on that too. *offers a handy chart*

RingmasterJ5: Are you sure this chart is right? It’s just the word “fuck” repeated over and over again in very small print on every inch of the paper.

Cola: *nods solemnly* It’s right. Trust me.

“Dude! Welcome to the winning side, my pony!”

MrSing: War isn’t a competition, buddy. All that matters is doing your best.

Neo: Here’s your participation trophy.

Sigma: Ignore the ticking.

Maverick grinned and Michael grinned back.

MrSing: The war was kinda funny in hindsight.

He couldn’t help it. He just felt so good.

NaturalGlitch: It was like a drug. He sniffed their manes. He wouldn’t—no, couldn’t!—stop.

Then he saw Celestia.

Fallen Prime: And dumped Lisa for her.
Kanzlerin: And got some time on the side with her sister, too.

Steel: ...I HAVE SEEN INTO THE ABYSS, AND WATCHED IT STARE bACK AT ME. AnD IT SmILed…

Neo: And then I fucked the Abyss...and it fucked me too.

Sigma: Do you have a James Cameron DVD fetish?

She stood nearby, overseeing the effort to heal the wounded and comfort the dying. She turned her head and looked at him.

Cola: And then he realized this was a bullshit near death experience and the explosion tore him apart molecule by molecule. THE END DAMMIT.

Her eyes were kind, but sad.

“Celestia...” Michael didn’t know what to say. What could he say? “I’m sorry. I’m... just sorry.”

NaturalGlitch: “—that I thought your neck was that of a swan.”

MrSing: “Stick it up your ass, Michael.”

Michael hung his head, his ears down.

twow: Being converted against your will’ll do that to ya.

Neo: It’s almost like he’s not himself!

Steel: Almost like he got BRAINWASHED.

Neo: “Ah shit, my brain is dry clean only!”

Cola: At least you can spot wash ‘em.

“Michael, it’s alright.” Sky Shimmer licked his ears,

NaturalGlitch: “You’ve got a lot of wax in there today, Mike.”

MrSing: I want Violent Lisa back.

somehow it was wonderfully comforting. “Celestia forgives you.”

Kanzlerin: As forgiving as these ponies claim to be, they’re pretty judgmental assholes.

Steel: Celestia, of course, being the ultimate example.

Sigma: I don’t even understand this twisted ass morality system. Can someone explain this shit?

Fallen Prime: Ponies yes, humans no. Doesn’t matter how evil the ponies act, they’re right. Doesn’t matter how good the humans act, they’re wrong.

MrSing: It’s basically a cult.

Neo: “What? No it can’t be a cult, things are way too awesome here…”

And in that moment, Michael remembered his dream that was more than a dream,

MrSing: He had to change his sheets.

SC276: If the setting when you wake up from a dream is exactly the same as the dream, it probably wasn’t a fucking dream before.

and he knew that Sky Shimmer was right.

Fallen Prime: “My dick IS gross and tiny...”

Neo:”...But not any more. Hung like a...technicolor pony, ALRIGHT!”

Steel: “Finally hung like a horse!” And then he dragged his wife off to test it out.

Neo: Actually ponies probably don’t have sex in Chatoyance Head Canon, they probably manifest from love and happiness and cabbage patches.

Simon: Better than the original “mirror that makes baby ponies.”
Kanzlerin: Shit, I’d better remember to go water my pegasi later...

NaturalGlitch: Unfortunately for Sky Shimmer, she finds out that stallions have a hair trigger of 30 seconds at best. So, Mike’s performance didn’t change at all. OOOH!~

Neo: She then realized the folly of her ways and lamented her loss of that sweet, sweet loving.

And then Michael realized what he should be doing instead of just standing there.

NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “I haven’t gone to the bathroom since... MAKE WAY!”

“Come on, Sky, Tank, Maverick... let’s see what we can do to help clean up this mess we made.”

NaturalGlitch: “It’s not my fault for eating so many tacos in one sitting.”

MrSing: I’ll grab the mop, you grab the bodies.

And so, in kindness, they did.

Locklen: If he turned this quickly, he couldn’t have been that devoted to humanity.

twow: That, or your mind really does just get wiped.

Neo: Or maybe Chat is just really bad at...everything involving writing.

Cola: Maybe?

Steel: And thus, we finally come to the end.

Axel Nyan: It scares me that there exist people who truly think this story has a positive way of conveying its way of thinking.

Sigma: In general I’m just annoyed by the stupidity.

SC276: And the completely roundabout way of expressing said stupidity.

THE END

Fallen Prime: That... was the first time I’d ever read a Chatoyance fic all the way through. God help me, it was sickening.

Neo: Ditto.

Cola: Same here. Probably the last time, too.

Dark Angel: Does anybody else need some Pepto Bismol?

Waterpear: The big problem One of the problems here is that this is a concatenation of two completely different outlooks on the Conversion Bureau concept: Chatoyance’s and that of Ten Minutes. This creates a jarring combination of tones. Effectively, this story is the Pony Rapture, except that Pony Jesus is the ringleader of the zombie apocalypse. And this isn’t played as a deconstruction of rapture fiction. It’s dead serious. Have you accepted Zombie Pony Jesus as your lord and savior?

Neo: “NO! AND STOP BUGGING ME WHEN MY PROGRAMS ARE ON!”

Cola: It’s almost an unintentional deconstruction since it’s so badly mashed together, and suspension of disbelief is nearly impossible. Especially with that dialogue! Hey, Chatoyance? I don’t forgive you for this story.

twow: I’m going to go play a Lego game and hug my Fluttershy plushie.
Kanzlerin: I wish I had a plushie...

RingmasterJ5: I’m going to go figure out what we should do for the next riff. Any suggestions should go over here.

Sigma: I would just like to say, this was dumb and a bit aggravating. Who in hell thinks this is a positive way of thinking?

Cola: People who are positively stupid?

Steel: ...I’m just, just, uh... gonna go sit over here... (Walks over to the corner and sits down, staring off into space as he curls up into a ball.) What is humanity? What is ponydom? What is the world, when a species can be taken like this...? Someone hug me…

Neo: I would but...I don’t hug people when I’m scared.

SC276: Thank god I got a game jam to wipe this thing from my already frayed memory. The sooner I can cleanse this painful affront to free will from my head, the better!

Fallen Prime: Well... thank you, everyone who participated in this maiden voyage into the dystopian world of misanthropy and mandatory assimilation that perverts this author’s every thought. Considering the... abominable nature of the work we just witnessed, I’m willing to bet ol’ Chatot has other stories we can dissect for a laugh or two, preferably one that’s not as verbose and lengthy as her standard fare.

That’s not for next time, though. We’ve got a FEW stories we wanna do, and they’re a whole other ballpark entirely from Chat... but who knows, maybe we’ll find something close enough to the ballpark that it can still catch a rogue foul ball.

Cola: Ugh, sports metaphors. Well, lemme know about the next clusterfuck!

MrSing: Remember to drink your grape flavoured Kool Aid.

Fallen Prime: Until next time, fucksuckers.

RingmasterJ5: Hello, and welcome to Fan/fic/ Theater 3000! I left this document open for comments, letting anyone who wanted to “riff”(make humorous comments about) the original Conversion Bureau fic have the chance to do so. Later, me and two other editors added the comments to the document itself. Right now the doc is closed for commenting, but we’ll be back soon with another fic!

THE CONVERSION BUREAU

A ‘My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic’ Fan Fiction by Blaze

From the Author (READ FIRST): I've seen a lot of backstories written about how Equestria is simply a post-apocalyptic Earth set in the distant future. I decided to expand on it in a much less...grimdark fashion.

Anon4: By causing mass genocide of the human race! Oh, sorry, spoilers...

Ezn: Judging by the author’s sense of morality, it’s a lot less grimdark this way than if the story were to have any pony deaths.

It may seem very human-centered in the beginning, but you'll see more ponies as the story progresses. Enjoy. 9_6

Prologue

The pony race and humans have lived together in harmony for centuries. A peaceful race, the ponies never really felt the need for war or violence to solve world problems.

Vimbert: They were quickly enslaved by other countries that actually had armies.

Things always seemed a lot friendlier with the ponies involved. Only recently have ponies been integrating into the modern human society. Ponies have lived in isolated, calm lands for many generations, but with over-population becoming a risk for the equine communities, moving from Canterlot to Newark was a common occurrence in these times.

Through warfare and species-exclusive diseases,

Ion-Sturm: Apparently, these are supremacist diseases.

humans have begun a steady decline in population and general health. The ways humans have destroyed the world around them, through pollution, greed and unhealthy living conditions,

Ion-Sturm: Poisoned oceans! Unscrupulous CEOs and corrupt politicians! That nasty stain on the bathroom floor!

have led the humans to realize the error of their ways, but it had been too late. Ponies, being a hardy, largely pacifistic folk, had slowly become the majority in world population (but only just so).

Ezn: We are the 50.1%. #OccupyEarth

It was becoming clear the time of the human was coming to a close. Soon, scientists of both human and pony worked together to create a formula to, in a sense, "ponify" a human,

Ezn: But only in a sense (sight, to be exact).

and hopefully keep society from collapsing. Their long term plan was to start a thriving, pony-centric world for generations to come.

In this interim period, humans were plagued with mass confusion and doubt as to what to do.

Ezn: Without their magic, help the earth pony way!

Most humans understood the decline in the population, and would much prefer to be a pony. With a down-to-earth, carefree lifestyle, the possibility of flying or using magic to their advantage, and current human health problems a thing of the past, what could possibly go wrong?

Vimbert: What’s that? Equine-specific diseases? What are those? We don’t even know!

However, some people have shown some second thoughts.

People like Ethan McCullough.

Anon4: Though others hated his guts.

Chapter 1 - In Which Something Happens

Ion-Sturm: And that something is me going to watch paint dry instead of reading this.

Ezn: Can I come too? I’m betting on red to dry first this time.

Ethan rose from his bed on that warm Sunday morning

Ion-Sturm: Not just any Sunday. THAT Sunday.

in April to the sun beating down through his window. He knew today was the day. He was finally going to do it. Get it done and over with.

Ion-Sturm: Finally, he was going to ask that hot pony receptionist if she was bi-species.

Ezn: I hope that’s not really a thing.

He was going to be ponified, and he was going to move to the pony world.

Ion-Sturm: ~She’s a pony girl, in this pony woooorld, coloured like plastic, so fantastic~

Most of his other friends have

Anon4: I just... this should be “had”, children. Learn your tenses.

already gone through the ponification process, and now it was his turn. For a young adult still not quite done with his teenage years, this 17-year old couldn't help but succumb to peer pressure.

Anon4: ONE OF US. ONE OF US. JOIN US! JOIN US!

Ethan laughed quietly and got up to pack.

The newspaper talked about it last month. He still had the clipping of the article on the wall of his bedroom, "PONIFICATION CAMP OPENS; HUNDREDS

Ion-Sturm: MEANWHILE, MILLIONS CONTINUE TO PLAY WoW.

Anon4: Meanwhile, billions change the channel on the TV!

FLOCK TO JOIN PONY SOCIETY". Ethan had skimmed through the article several times a day, looking over the regulations and the daily regiment of the 7-day camp; and as he packed the six sets of clothes, toiletries,

Ion-Sturm: Lord knows what wiping your ass with hay would do to your complexion.

and other essentials, he was confident he'd know what he was doing the moment he walked into the door of that camp.

Ethan hopped into his car and drove his way through the streets of his hometown.

Ion-Sturm: Every village needs its idiot, after all.

There were many memories attached to these streets,

Ion-Sturm: Like that mugging last summer, or when his girlfriend dumped him in front of all his friends at the junior prom.

Vimbert: And those were just the GOOD memories.

and hopefully they will stay with him when he comes back, a totally different species entirely. The once-crowded suburban complex he called home was now barren,

Anon4: “Where have all the ponies gone? Long tiiiimmeee tro-oo-tttinngg”

with only a few of his neighbors still going about their business, and some ponies are seen bustling through the streets (and skies above). Ethan knew that this kind of living was soon going to come to an end, and the new society he will soon be integrated into will be much better. Or, at least, that's what he was reassuring himself with.

After about twenty minutes behind the wheel, following the MapQuest directions he'd printed out the day before,

Anon4: Welcome to the future! Same as the past! Take a lycra jumpsuit and prepare to make do with 640kb of main RAM!

Ethan arrived at what looked like the cleanest building in the neighborhood. The camp looked more like a clinic on the outside, with what looked like a large greenhouse complex in the back, and a sprawling field of fresh grass even further back. The people-to-pony ratio in the general area of the building was about even, with nervous humans walking in, and ecstatic ponies coming out.

Vimbert: The fact that we’re a different species now has made us completely forget about the hellhole we live in! Hooray!

Ethan parked his car, got his things, and headed inside.

The waiting room gave off a very noticeable vibe that would normally come from a doctor's office. It was awkwardly quiet in the mid-sized room, with only a few people sitting in comfortable chairs reading old magazines,

Ezn: The rest were sitting in uncomfortable chairs reading new magazines, the poor sods.

Anon4: The horor, the horror! Also, the celebrity makeovers!

and a unicorn pony at the reception desk typing on a computer with her magic, and sorting papers with her hooves. Ethan quietly walked up to the desk and wrote his name on the sign-in sheet, placing the application he had filled out the night before in the basket with a few others, and sat down with the other people. The uneasiness in the room was palpable.

Suddenly, after what felt like hours, the door on the opposite end of the room opened, startling everyone in the room, even the secretary pony. A lime-green mare appeared from the other room and looked at the people in the chairs, including Ethan. After a minute, she spoke.

Ezn: Timed with military precision!

"Okay! All of you come with me!" She said, in that kind of peppy, cheery tone that would annoy the average schmo off the streets.

Ezn: But would be music to the refined ear of a cultured voice connoisseur.

The aforementioned people rose quickly and started for the door, anything to break the monotony of sitting in that room. Something told Ethan that it brought back bad doctor memories for most of them.

"Now, I'm going to take you five to your living quarters," the pony said as they walked down the long hallway to the dormitories.

Even though ponies had been living in his neighborhood for a few years now, Ethan had never really gotten the chance to be this close to a pony before.

Ezn: It turns out bi-species isn’t actually a thing.

They had always been either at home or work, and his friends and family didn't really have any pony acquaintances he knew of (at least, until they became ponies, that is). It was an odd experience being this close

Vimbert: He just wants to be loved!

to a fellow sentient being,

Ezn: Tell me about it.

that looked nothing like him. It felt like he was following a talking dog.

Nuke.equestria: Hey, some of my best friends are talking dogs.

Finally, the pony and her followers arrived at a small hallway. There must have been twenty rooms there, each individually numbered, like a hotel's rooms. The pony directed each of the people to their respective dorms, and Ethan was the last. He got room 526, or so it said on the plate on the front of the door.

Ezn: “You got room 526,” said the plate. “It’s a little further on.”

It was then he noticed the doors had no knobs, and just pushed open, like a public restroom. Ethan got self-conscious about his privacy, until he noticed the wooden door block placed tenderly

Ezn: By a very sensual member of the cleaning staff.

at the edge of his room.

The dorm was simple, and warm. The first thing he noticed was the heater was on full blast, so he turned it down

Ezn: Turn it up or turn it off, homeslice.

to a reasonable temperature, and put his stuff down on the bed. The bed was short and stocky,

Ezn: Shh! It might have “short bed syndrome”.

but still managed to be a full-sized bed

Ezn: The little bed that could.

with a fluffy, sleepable mattress and neatly made sheets. Before he had a chance to unpack his things, a knock unexpectedly came at his door.

Varanus-Freefallus: “Oh god, I swear this never happens...” the knock apologized to the mortified door. “W-was it good for you too?”

"Ethan? Is this your room? The reception lady told me to come to 526, but I'm not sure if the signs got mixed up or anything,

Ezn: Or if they’re playing another prank on me...

so I'm just making sure..."

The familiar voice babbled on as Ethan opened the door to his old middle school friend, Barry Gelsi. Barry was lanky with a messy brown jewfro

Ion-Sturm: Jewfro: The result of an afro and a Jewish religion member combining, resulting in someone too cheap to keep their hair in check.

Anon4: Is... is that really a word? I’m subtly horrified.

on his head, and was wearing a grey, battered looking T-shirt with equally as battered cargo pants. The two friends man-hugged at first glance of each other.

Ezn: They were completely confident in their sexuality.

Vimbert: Their complete lack of any, since no one would touch them.

"Hey, buddy!" Ethan greeted Barry with his first genuine smile of the day.

Anon13: He always was way too pleased with his Pauly Shore impression.

"Hi, there! I guess I was right about the room," Barry replied and let himself into Ethan's dorm, sitting enthusiastically

Ezn: Observe, gentlemen! This is how a winner sits!

on the bed. After a short silence, Barry continued, "So...I guess you're here for the pony thing, eh?"

"No, I'm here to exact revenge on one of the employees here. He killed my father, and he must die,"

Ion-Sturm: Princess Bride deserves better than this.

Ethan replied with a dead-serious look on his face. Soon, both of them collapsed with laughter.

Ezn: I hated my father anyway! He was a human!

"Sure as hell, I'm here for the pony thing, buddy! How long have you been here?"

"I just moved in last night. We're supposed to go for a seminar after dinner tonight, to 'inspire us to make the right choices', and all that junk," Barry said, using finger quotes where appropriate, "Half the reason I'm going is because my friend is giving the speech. She's a pony, too."

"You have pony friends already? Geez, I wish I did. Things are so weird around here," Ethan replied.

Anon13: You’re preparing to change species to a talking pony, and THIS you think is weird?

"Eh, you get used to it. I did, and I've only been here for 15 hours!"

Anon4: 15 hours. 15 mares. Ka-ching.

Ethan spent the next couple of hours looking over the papers given to him in the dorm room with Barry, and meanwhile catching up with his long lost friend.

Ezn: “The door plate and me go waaaaay back!”

Barry had moved out of the suburbs the summer before their first year of high school, and Ethan hasn't been able to keep in touch with him since. He was glad he had a friend at the camp to go though the ponification with, and he was sure Barry felt the same way.

"Well, I think the seminar is coming up soon. Did you have anything to eat before you came over?" Barry asked Ethan as he unpacked his things.

"Not really, but I'll probably grab something from the vending machine outside or something. Let's just get this over with," Ethan said, attempting to hide his anxiety. He was unsuccessful.

Varanus-Freefallus: Failed a Bluff roll...

Barry seemed to pay no attention to Ethan's jitteryness,

Varanus-Freefallus: And yet Barry got a 1 on his Sense Trepidation check. Alright then.

"Sounds like a plan. Let's roll!" And with that, they set out on the short walk to the seminar hall.

Chapter 2: Let the Game Begin

Ezn: Conversion Bureau: Saving electronic paper so that you don’t have to!

The room the seminar took place in reminded him of a town meeting. The room was empty, save for about thirty chairs, half of which filled, and a chair up front for the presenter. Lots of small talk can be heard, and not a pony in sight, as expected. Ethan and Barry walked in and sat down quietly close to the front of the crowd, both joking about how they got front row seats.

"So, what is this thing about, again?" Ethan asked curiously. He was still a little jittery about being new.

"It's just to greet the newbies, like us. Relax, this won't take long," Barry reassured Ethan with a pat on the back, and the presenter trotted out from a door that Ethan hadn't seen before. The crowd fell silent immediately.

The unicorn pony was very calm and studious looking, but still looked like she'd be nice if you talked to her. She had a noticeably purple coat, with a dark purple straight mane with unique pink streaks. The symbol on her flank was a magenta six-pointed star surrounded by a few other smaller stars. She put the pile of papers she had been holding up with her magic down on the chair up front and started once the crowd quieted down.

"Afternoon, everyone. I'm Twilight Sparkle, and I'll be talking to you all for the next 20 minutes," the unicorn said uniformly. Ethan could hear a few people faintly giggle at Twilight's name, but she simply ignored them.

"Now, I'm almost positive all of you are here because you want to become a pony.

Ezn: “What is wrong with you people? Why would you all want to become one pony?”

Vimbert: Great, now I’m having flashbacks to that Human Caterpillar crossover.

RingmasterJ5: One of those actually exists? Eww.

GelidEnmity: You mean ‘Human Centipede’?

This is a fact. You don't come here because you don't want to be a pony, unless someone forced you at gunpoint,

Pemberton: So, unless I’ve met Blaze?

Ezn: “GO TO THE CONVERSION BUREAU BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A PONY OR ELSE!”

but that's a different story." Twilight continued, casual, but serious, "I may not fully understand your reasoning behind your choice to become a pony,

Anon13: Well, there is that whole “survival” thing.

considering I was born one myself, but I can understand what we have been facing in the past few years. Humans such as yourselves have brought your world to shambles, all because of the selfish greed of big business, and the horrible health habits of the majority of the population."

Anon13: Someone biffed a Diplomacy check.

Vimbert: “We, on the other hand, are clearly the master race. You will be sent to... work camps.”

Twilight pointed at a map of the world, with a small island just outside the east coast of the United States circled in red marker, "Ponykind faces overpopulation, in ways that the tiny isle of Equestria simply can't keep together for long.

Ezn: “So actually, that one pony idea isn’t a bad one.”

That's why we moved into your towns and cities." A small pause, while someone coughed near the back, "I'm sure you all know about this already, but what you haven't heard is why we're doing this. Why you are here today, sitting in this cramped room with sweaty, tired people just waiting for me to stop talking."

"Our plan is to ponify you, the sooner the better. Expect this to happen when you least expect it.

Anon13: NOBODY EXPECTS THE PONY INQUISITION!

(This message brought to you by the Society for Obligatory Python References.)

You'll get used to our culture, our food, and our lack of thumbs. Trust me, it's easier than it looks.

Anon13: Hitchhiking is a royal bitch, though.

Because humans can't handle the magic

Vimbert: You want the magic? You can’t handle the magic!

radiating from Equestrian borders, becoming a pony is crucial to expanding the peaceful, friendly aura that surrounds Equestria every day of every month of every year. Thank you."

A small applause followed, and most people got up and started to leave for their dorms. Barry immediately got up and walked up to Twilight, who hadn't moved since she stopped talking.

"Twilight! How's the new job treating you?" Barry asked hardily.

"Great, Barry! Good to see you finally caved in and signed up for the cause. And who is this?" Twilight gestured toward Ethan, who had just walked up to join Barry.

Ethan jumped a little at the attention, "Uh, I'm Ethan..." he mumbled nervously. He wasn't really that good at talking to ponies

Ezn: Or girls.

that much, and that coupled with his normal social awkwardness is a horrible combination.

Vimbert: Much like the genes of his parents, which became more and more apparent the older Ethan became.

"Ethan here is an old friend of mine from middle school! He's dorming next to me for the week!" Barry said enthusiastically, putting his arm around Ethan’s shoulder.

Pemberton: I can’t stress how enthusiastic Barry is!

"Er, yeah. Ha ha..." Ethan added, just as awkward as earlier.

"You remind me of another friend of mine, Ethan. It's nice to meet you." Twilight replied, smiling genuinely at him. Ethan smiled back, only glad that he didn't come off as a total creep.

Vimbert: Ethan was a partial creep before it was cool.

"Well, we'll be heading back to the dorms, now." Barry started.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to Twilight for a minute, if you don't mind." Ethan said, finally growing a pair and speaking up.

Nuke.equestria: Suddenly he sounded like James Earl Jones.

"Oh, sure." Barry said, a little surprised, "Don't let him get on your flank, Twi.

Ezn: “Keep the pepper spray at ready just in case!”

See you guys later!" And with that, he rushed back to his dorm, leaving Ethan and Twilight the only people in the room.

"What did you want to talk about, Ethan?" Twilight asked.

"Well, I hope I'm not wasting your time or anything. I don't want to seem like just some bum off the streets."

"No, no! Not at all. A friend of Barry's is a friend of mine.

Ezn: Twi and Barry go waaaaaaay back.

Nuke.equestria: Turns out, bi-species is a thing.

Now, what's troubling you?" Twilight got up from her chair and started cleaning up a bit.

"Well..." Ethan started, realizing he had not rehearsed this beforehand, "I'm a little apprehensive about the ponification. I want to go through with it, but I'm a little...for lack of better word, suspicious, of the anonymity of the process itself.

Ezn: I prefer to undergo processes that are unquestionably nameless.

I hope you understand my feelings."

Nuke.equestria: That’s silly. Humans don’t have feelings.

Twilight, a little taken aback by how surprisingly wordy he is,

Nuke.equestria: Whoa, slow down, Ethan! Your three sentences are confusing Twilight.

despite how shy he was at first impression, stopped what she was doing and looked at Ethan, "There's no need to be suspicious. It'll be like getting a shot, or taking medicine. Plus, you'll be unconscious during the actual transformation, so you won't feel any pain."

Varanus-Freefallus: How reassuring is that? “You don’t need to worry. Now eat this pill. No questions, eat it for science.”

Nuke.equestria: Golly Twilight, will giving up my humanity be painful?

But after all of that, Ethan was still iffy. "I don't know...I still don't feel right about it."

Twilight looked at Ethan in the eyes for the first time and smiled reassuringly, "You'll be fine. Now go see Barry, I think he's been waiting for you."

soFreeKey: “...And tomorrow you’ll forget we ever had this conversation.”

Ethan looked back out the doorway to see Barry waving his hands wildly in the air looking at Ethan in impatience.

"Thanks, Twilight. See you tomorrow."

Chapter 3: What is To Come

"Doodoodoodoo, doo doot, doo doot, doo-doodoodoodoo, doo doot, doo doot, doo-doodoodoodoo, doo doot, doo doot!

Vimbert: Being woken up by beatboxing sounds pretty awesome, actually.

GOOD MORNING CAMPERS!"

Nuke.equestria: Today we’re going to the gas chamber... I mean showers.

The incessant singing over the loudspeakers woke Ethan up with a start, and he began groggily putting his second set of clothes on.

Ezn: Over his first, cause that’s jus’ how E-dog rolls.

Once the short song ended, the obnoxious pony began reading the morning announcements.

"Um, um...okay. Alright. Okay." Ethan could hear the shuffling of papers. "The cafeteria menu for the day of Monday, April 16 is chicken...'lo meen'? What's that? And for you ponyfolk, hay fries and the flower of the day sandwich. Also, can...James Thompson mosey on over to the ponification room? You're up, Jimmy!

Ezn: What happened to “when you least expect it”? I thought they just zapped guys with ponification in the hallways and stuff.

Vimbert: NO ONE EVER EXPECTS THE... oh wait. Yes you do.

This has been Pinkie Pie with your daily announcements! Have a fun-erific day!" And with that, the loudspeaker crackled off.

The second the speaker turned off, an audible "Woo-hoo!" was heard from a few rooms down, then heavy, sprinting footsteps.

Anon13: WOO species reassignment! WOO existential crisis! WOO disturbing questions about the nature of man! Let's DO THIS!

The footsteps were soon followed by more noises of people in the dorm hallway thundering to their doors. Ethan joined them, to see a person they don't know for the last time as a human.

The scrawny, auburn-haired 20-something made his way out of his room, wearing nothing but a ratty tanktop and boxer shorts, and walked triumphantly down the hall, with applauding campers at each side of him. Each step his last on human feet,

Nuke.equestria: Wait, I’m confused. If each step is his last, how does he keep walking? Shouldn’t he be crawling, or hobbling around on his knees?

RingmasterJ5: Maybe he came from circus people, and is walking on his hands.

the smug look on Jimmy's face showed that he was most certainly ready to be ponified. The clapping and cheering didn't end until he was out of sight. When the noise finally died down to a hush, people began sitting down in their doorways. Ethan turned to his dorm neighbor Barry.

"How long do these take?" Ethan asked curiously.

Another person near them answered his question, "Give or take, around ten minutes. It's really short, I'm surprised. Technology is amazing..."

Leaving that guy alone to his thoughts, Ethan decided to join the sitting group as they started making small talk and discussing their own pony aspirations.

"I want to be a pegasus! Flying like that must be so cool." One boy said to the girl next to her.

Ezn: S/he was also hoping that the ponification could also complete his/her sex-change.

A few people near him nodded in agreement.

"Too extreme for me, I think I'll just stick with living the simple life of an Earth pony." The girl replied.

Nuke.equestria: I don’t want to fly or have magic. I just want to give up my thumbs.

Others nodded.

Ethan had never really put much thought into what kind of pony he wanted to be.

Anonymous: Ethan had never put much thought into anything he did, really.

Anon13: As his high school and police records can attest.

After seeing so many ponies around the building, he was surprised he hadn't decided what he'd look like. He assumed that your physical appearance all depends on genetics,

Ezn: We’re getting awfully personal here. What my physical appearance is based on is my own damn business!

but is the pony type chosen? Ethan was afraid to ask more questions, he didn't want to feel like a newbie with the other campers.

A four-legged's footsteps were heard by every camper simultaneously. They all looked down the hall intently, hoping to finally see the ponified Jimmy. The trotting sounded slow, and careful. A loud thud was heard

Ezn: “Ponification didn’t hold. We had to put this one down.”

once, then a pause...then the trotting resumed.

Jimmy turned the corner, fully ponied.

Anonymous: Jimmy: Fully Ponied, starring Lindsey Lohan.

A peach-colored earth pony, the most prominent thing he kept was his auburn hair and stubble around his muzzle. The other obvious trait he seemed to have kept was the smug expression on his face, albeit with a little nervousness over his new legs. Jimmy was trotting very slowly, almost to a crawl, attempting to get used to his new center of balance. The thud was heard again,

Ezn: “WHY WON’T YOU DIE!”

except this time Ethan knew it was Jimmy falling on the floor, then getting himself up immediately and continuing to walk. The campers were going crazy, patting his back and head

Vimbert: Brushie brushie.

as he walked by (which seemed to create more troubles for his balance), and some just poked him.

Nuke.equestria: He was used to being poked, being carny folk and all.

Ethan watched carefully as the new pony walked to his dorm's doorway, give a loud cheer of triumph, and trot inside. Everyone resumed their daily business, with some people crowding around Jimmy to ask questions.

exnpony: “It’s my daily business to ask Jimmy questions.”

Ethan's mind had been wondering for the last few minutes of Jimmy's first trot. He had been thinking about what will happen when he becomes a pony. Will he enjoy being a herbivore? What if he hates flying? Who will he meet when he goes to Equestria, if he does? Will he miss his feet and opposable thumbs?

Anonymous: Will he regret leaving everyone he ever knew and everything he ever had?

Ezn: Nah, those filthy humans never appreciated him anyway.

Ethan felt like he had taken up a much larger commitment than he had expected. But, he knew it must be done eventually, and got it off his mind come lunchtime.

Nuke.equestria: He never thought changing species would be such a big deal. Oh well, time for lunch.

"Hey, dude, you gonna eat your salad?" A passerby pony asked him at the lunchroom.

Ethan snapped back into reality, "Huh? Oh, no, you can have it."

"Thanks, brah. Not a big fan of dandelions, myself." The pony chuckled, and started to shovel the salad onto his tray with his snout.

"Hey," Ethan asked, with blinding curiosity, "How long have you been a pony? How does it feel?"

"I got ponified yesterday morning. It's a little awkward for the first hour or so, but it gets way easy afterwards. Moving things is still a problem, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. Take it easy, brah." And with that, the pony trotted away, with tray in tow on his back.

Barry retired from his bountiful lunch and turned towards Ethan.

Nuke.equestria: His horn of plenty took up two tables!

"You gotta calm down, man. You're getting all tense over nothing. I know! I'll take you over to the greenhouses! That oughta calm you down."

"There are greenhouses?" Ethan asked,

Nuke.equestria: I thought those were extinct.

only to realize immediately after saying that, that he had seen the greenhouses when he first walked in the other day.

"Of course, stupid! Didn't you see the big glass things outside?" Barry said jokingly, "Let's go!"

Barry energetically grabbed Ethan by the wrist and dragged him out of the lunchroom, just barely leaving Ethan time to throw the rest of his lunch away.

The greenhouse was massive. Despite being an isolated glass case filled with trees,

Ezn: Thank you. I always wondered what a greenhouse was.

the ceiling was no where

Ezn: But some when!

in sight, or at least to Ethan's sight.

Nuke.equestria: Someone else could see it, though.

The trees towered over the rest of the nearby structures, and many pegasi were seen flying overhead, with a look of sheer elation plastered on each of their faces.

Ezn: “My face is stuck this way!”

Vimbert: “Someone help!”

Anyone could tell from where they were standing that these ponies were having the time of their lives.

"Isn't this calming?" Barry asked, hoping to get a positive response from the dazed Ethan, who had been staring up at the pegasi the whole time.

Vimbert: DAT CUTIE MARK.

"Yeah, yeah. Really peaceful." Ethan said, trying his best to pay attention to Barry over the sound of the forest's wildlife. It looked like an amalgamation of every woods that Ethan walked in. There was a muddy creak, a plethora of bugs and small rodents, low and high-hanging branches, and a very humid, post-rainstorm atmosphere throughout.

Anon13: And over there, finally, confirmation of what exactly bears do in the woods.

Finally done with looking up at the winged ponies, Ethan lowered his head with a noticeable crack.

Anonymous: Ethan was then immediately rushed to the hospital.

Ezn: Sadly, he made a full recovery.

"Hey, Barry..." He started, only to see that Barry was distracted talking to a unicorn friend of his near the river. Ethan decided to go on his own and sat down lazily on a nearby rock.

A bush rustled nearby. Not right next to Ethan, but within earshot where he was curious. He heard it again, followed with some light mumbling. From the rock, he rose to investigate. The bushes nearby were bare, but he could still hear the mumbling.

Nuke.equestria: Those damn bushes wouldn’t shut up!

It was clearly a someone, as it sounded like the mumbling was in English.

Anonymous: Because ponies speak French.

Ezn: Only if it’s their special talent!

The source of the mumbling came from a pegasus pony in a thicket just behind the rock. The pegasus had a long, wavy pink mane and a sunny yellow coat. Her blue-green eyes looked distressed and nervous.

"Oh, no. Mr. Squirrel, you shouldn’t sneak into those thorn bushes like that. It's not safe." The pony said quietly, slowly remov