(To participate in our current riff, click here. Currently we’re doing part six of “The Catch”.)
RingmasterJ5: So… bad news: The Catch is back to a weekly schedule. Meaning this riff will likely have a more-or-less permanent spot as the last one of the month as long as he keeps updating it.
SC276: Good news: this story might be able to elicit reactions besides straight-up boredom.
JofY: But I just finished repairing my emotional roller coaster of boredom!
RingmasterJ5: Anyway, SC, could you recap the last part for anyone new?
SC276: Gladly. Last time on The Fumble but Badly Written: passive-aggressive disagreement with being riffed veiled as a hypocritical anger monologue, Celestia from nowhere, smirking waitresses, no decent progression of romance subplots, and this story finally catches up with the rest of plant-boy’s library by having someone get it in the ass. And as I understand it, it’s about to nosedive into even stupider?
RingmasterJ5: That it is.
SC276: Hoo boy, this is going to either suck or be good. Bit of a toss-up there.
RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, part six of “The Catch” by Kudzuhaiku.
Scarlet: Ooh, hey! I’m in this one! *waves* And um, this is the one that broke me. Stay tuned for my soul dying!
JofY: I call eating your soul’s heart!
It was difficult pulling one’s self together after everything had been pulled apart.
JofY: But that was life for sentient puzzles.
The sounds of Rye Mash’s shallow breathing filled his own ears, echoed in his head, and made him feel dizzy as the sound caused him pain.
JofY: Well, try deep breathing then.
SC276: That echoing has always been there. You’re only just now noticing it.
He still had to meet with Princess Celestia. The day would continue with him or without him.
SC276: Any way we can make it “without” without causing a paradox?
Scarlet: No idea but I’ve got several hundred locked rooms, a jackhammer, and a bottle of nitroglycerin we could use to help find out.
He had duties to attend to, a job to perform.
Scarlet: Readers to bore.
Bloody Velvet, when asked why she would let this happen, had informed him that she wasn’t his mother and was in no way responsible for him—a statement which Rye found himself in agreement with.
JofY: [Velvet] “I, am your father.”
SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT’S MATERNITY SOFTWARE HAS NOT BEEN UPDATED IN 9-9-9-9-9-9...”
When pressed for information, Bloody Velvet had leveled him,
SC276: Flattened him out?
Scarlet: Nah, she was just trying to push him to first level.
coming into his mind
SC276: If this is non-consensual, does it count as mind rape?
Scarlet: It’s The Catch. This entire story counts as mental abuse of the reader.
and showing him from a different set of eyes, Velvet’s eyes,
SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT HAS DONE ITS BEST TO ENSURE THE STREAM IS IN A FILE FORMAT UNIT-RYE’S SYSTEM WILL BE ABLE TO PROCESS.”
and he had seen himself. He had been happy, laughing, jolly, carefree, there could be no doubt that he had wanted it.
JofY: He wanted her eyes.
SC276: ~Welcome one and all to Flumpty Bumpty's / If your light's turned off, then you're safe...~
The alcohol had worn away his inhibitions and had freed him.
Scarlet: And so by the grace of Jack Daniels he was saved.
He had experienced a wonderful time, even if he couldn’t remember it.
For whatever reason, Mousy was avoiding him, at least it felt that way. She and Bloody Velvet had vanished with one another and Rye had no idea what they were doing, what they might be talking about, or how they might be conspiring against him.
SC276: Just because you can move around, you think you’re better than I am!
Scarlet: Well I mean, they’re not wrong.
Starjammer was gone, he had been summoned to see Princess Celestia, Starjammer had refused at first, but Princess Celestia was not one that would be or could be denied.
JofY: [Celestia] “Oh god, this is terrible, just kill me now… Wai- *killed*”
SC276: Did she also authorize that run-on sentence?
Scarlet: [Rye, literally one scene ago] “I SHALL NOT GIVE UP MY ARMS!”
With great reluctance and a fair bit of fear, Starjammer had gone to speak with Princess Celestia, and Rye had been left by himself with nopony to talk to.
SC276: I mean, it’s not like there’s at least two dozen other miscellaneous crew members. Like Oracle, Telescope, Woe… or, y’know, the kangaroo.
Scarlet: To be fair, his last conversation with her was over the course of torturing someone.
Which was, perhaps for the best.
JofY: After all, he was mute.
Rye was still trying to get his head together and Starjammer never had very much to say.
SC276: That’s the author’s fault.
Rye wasn’t even certain what could be said between them at this point, other than they had shared a visceral experience with one another.
With slow release, Rye let a sigh escape.
JofY: Quick! Get it!
SC276: Specter will not get away with this!
There was no point in regretting it, Rye’s reservations and hangups had kept him from getting something he had wanted, of that there could be no doubt.
Scarlet: Only his hangups and reservations kept him from finishing a single chapter of “The Catch”.
He had wanted it, ever since that first confusing kiss that Starjammer had given him, but Rye was more concerned about being proper.
JofY: Oh, god. They’re turning british.
Scarlet: I wish. Maybe then they’d be able to tell a decent joke.
Bloody Velvet had flashed him with her memories of the event…
Rye had seen himself as others had seen him, it was a profound, meaningful moment in his life, a life changing moment,
SC276: Now say it a third time so we can dub thee Lady Redundant Woman.
and he realised he was grateful for what Velvet had done.
Grateful or not, he still had no answers about what to do next. A part of his mind suggested that he was getting hung up again,
JofY: But the rinse cycle just finished! He shouldn’t be dried that quickly!
he was getting all uptight, he was focusing too much on how to go about doing this the proper way, the perfect way, with all of the right rules, the right things done, with everything as it should be.
JofY: Don’t forget to always extend your pinkie!
While thinking about this, Rye had himself something of a revelation—he was a pirate.
JofY: *slow clap*
SC276: ~Fuck the police!~ Which he would probably do, let’s be honest...
He paused, his mind correcting him, he was a privateer with a commission from the Crowned Head of Equestria absolving him of his crimes, past, present, and future.
Privateers followed the rules because they obeyed the contracts they were given.
JofY: Just like Assassins uphold the law by murdering others.
Scarlet: Insert… Terry… Pratchett… here.
Alone, Rye let out a groan.
This is what had made him such a good servant.
He held a deep concern for the rules, for order, for doing what was right, he was a slave to order.
JofY: ...Well, time to pull out all BDSM jokes.
SC276: So, slave to the antithesis of Discord? I’m sure someone’s come up with that by now.
Last night, he had freed himself from such concerns for a while, had done something random, spontaneous, and unpredictable.
JofY: How agast!
Now, he was once again a slave to order, married to a near stranger. Another form of servitude. Or was it?
SC276: Is his conclusion that he has to be drunk all the time? Honestly, everypony being drunk would explain a lot.
Why did he have to think about it as servitude?
JofY: Personally, I think that the fetish comes from the desire-
Princess Celestia’s ship was quite a wonder.
JofY: Wonder where she parked the DAMN thing that is! She said, pier 93, but nooooo, it was on pier 92, which for some reason is on the complete other side of the island!
Rye stood on the deck, his eyes wide and staring. Unicorns and pegasi moved about on the deck, doing whatever it was that they were doing.
JofY: Earth ponies don’t get those privileges.
SC276: They’re below decks, running on hamster wheels to generate power.
Rye could smell pine oil soap coming from somewhere, perhaps the deck was being scrubbed.
SC276: Actual scrubbing of the poop deck?
He didn’t know. He could smell bread baking, fragrant steam was rising from a vent, no doubt there was some kitchen down below. This wasn’t a ship so much as it was a flying palace. Curiously enough, Rye Mash saw no earth ponies anywhere.
JofY: Well, of course. They’re on Equestria, not Earth. *rimshots*
None at all.
JofY: Oh, please, you haven’t found Earth Pony Waldo?
SC276: Watch, it’s going to turn out that the crown keeps Earth ponies only as slave labor. I wouldn’t put it past this crap universe.
Pegasi could fly and fight while unicorns could deal with fine detail work. Rye realised that earth ponies would be superfluous on a crew such as this.
JofY: There’s no need for strength!
SC276: I’ve never researched sailing ships, and I’m pretty sure plant-boy hasn’t either.
The unicorns could deal with heavy loads and moving cargo by using their telekinesis.
It was a profound moment of realisation for Rye. He stared at the visual evidence that earth ponies were unnecessary in this life.
JofY: ...You know what. [Racist Moment: 1] The main ground rule for this, is that it’s going to be for each separate moment of racism. So, even if there are more racist moments in this scene, it won’t go up.
Scarlet: I’m going to be observing your racism counter and just quietly taking notes for something. Don’t mind me.
SC276: This seems really unnecessary, really. Why explicitly point out that you don’t have Earth ponies around? Have people been actually complaining about it?
Captain Spyglass kept a fair number of earth ponies around, but almost all of them were used for moving goods when they reached port.
JofY: Because strength is hardly needed on something that operates on pushing and pulling heavy parts.
In the air, earth ponies could not fly, could not wield weapons, (at least in a general sense, they still had their own hooves) and were quite limited as to what they were capable of.
JofY: What are living tanks needed for?
Now, Rye could see that they were not needed at all, and something about the sights around him made him feel sad.
JofY: Join the Italian Native American crying over littering on the freeway.
SC276: I don’t know why, but I feel offended by this entire digression.
Scarlet: That’s because you have good taste, aren’t an idiot, and see this for the lazy imagination it is!
Earth ponies had the short end of the stick in life. No magic, no wings, just garden variety ponies.
JofY: Yeah, what is food even good for?
Rye wondered why Spyglass even had earth ponies in his crew when it seemed that labourers could be found in any port. Thoughtful, Rye realised that Captain Spyglass had to have a reason and it was probably a good one.
SC276: Maybe you should go ask him then, instead of continuing this racist tangent of yours.
Then, he saw her.
JofY: Old Woman Jenkins!?
The tall figure moving toward him, wearing a bright blue cloak. Her face was obscured under the heavy folds of fabric. He squinted, the sun making him feel nauseous, and he wondered why he was meeting with Princess Celestia in private rather than with Captain Spyglass, as had been planned.
SC276: Because you’re the main character. Haven’t you figured it out yet?
His head still ached and more than anything, he wanted to crawl back into bed. He lifted his head, trying to stand a little taller, trying to look a little more dignified as Princess Celestia approached.
SC276: And failing miserably.
“I hear that congratulations are in order,” Princess Celestia said as she approached.
Rye nodded, but said nothing.
“Many of my guard celebrate the first issue of their pay by going out,
JofY: [Worker A] “Hey everyone! A payment went through!”
[Everyone else] “Yaaaay”
having a nice time, then having too nice a time, and waking up in the morning with wives they had met the night before.”
SC276: this is a regular thing are you kidding me
Princess Celestia’s voice was soft, gentle, one of instruction and wisdom. “Walk with me, Mister Mash, getting the blood flowing should help your head.”
SC276: [Celestia] “And if it doesn’t, I can just mind-control your nervous system into increasing your heart rate or something.”
Obedient, Rye fell into step with Princess Celestia as she took off at a trot.
JofY: So, she called running, walking? What a jerk.
He bit down on his lip, not knowing what to say or to do, not knowing why he was here speaking to her without his captain.
JofY: Is he going to start crying?
SC276: How about asking where they’re actually going?
“What do you plan to do, Mister Mash?” Princess Celestia asked.
JofY: “Do you plan to apologize?”
“I don’t know,” Rye replied, his voice low.
JofY: In all honesty, it was quite silly.
He looked up at the alicorn beside him, wondering what she was thinking, what she was feeling, and why she was talking to him about this when there were far more important things to discuss.
SC276: [Celestia, thinking] “When’s he going to drop his guard so I can mind-control him? I mean, it’s not like it’s the main thing I’m known for that diverges me from canon.”
“You have the wisdom of centuries… do you have any advice?”
“Very few ponies respect my ‘wisdom of centuries,’ Mister Mash.”
SC276: [Celestia] “Granted, that’s because of this specific narrative and no one trusts me because I keep trying to mind-control everypony.”
To Rye Mash’s ears, Princess Celestia’s voice now sounded guarded, low, almost flat,
SC276: As her characterization?
she almost sounded surprised, or perhaps he was hearing things.
JofY: But he was deaf.
It took Rye several steps to keep up with just one of Princess Celestia’s steps and he followed her as she walked around the deck, looking up at her, trying to be attentive.
JofY: Huh? What?
“Miss Mousy strikes me as being quite perceptive, smart, courageous, and capable.” Princess Celestia paused, taking a deep breath, and then continued,
JofY: “Then again, I have only known her for five seconds.”
“Tell me, how did the two of you meet?”
“I sort of rescued her from thugs and ruffians,” Rye replied.
“Ah, yes… young maids tend to want to marry their rescuers.
JofY: And some want to marry their captors.
SC276: Explain Woe then.
You have to trust somepony in this life, and who better than the individual that proves themselves trustworthy by saving your life?”
JofY: I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.
The tall white alicorn turned her head and looked down at Rye, her face still hidden under her hood.
“I don’t get it.
JofY: Join the club.
We hardly even know one another. We’re strangers.”
JofY: Celestia, or Mousy?
SC276: [Celestia] “It’s called ‘the author not knowing how to write.’”
Rye cleared his throat, aware that Princess Celestia was looking at him, but he felt uncomfortable because he could not look into her eyes. He felt small, feeling more like a colt, and he had a growing sense of insecurity. He was a foal next to this strange creature, this alicorn, this embodiment of the three tribes.
SC276: Who leaves out one of the three on her craft because *applause from Animal Crossing characters*
“Mister Mash, fillies and young mares want the same thing that everypony else wants in life.
JofY: Freedom to do what they want?
A sense of security. A feeling of protection.
JofY: Uhh… No. I never thought as a kid: “Man, I feel really unsafe about this. If only there was a way to protect me.”
SC276: That’s what blankets are for.
We all desire the same things, sustenance, shelter, and security.
JofY: Oh no. It’s philosophy hour.
Try to see the world through her eyes. She is an earth pony, she is clearly quite clever, she has her mind and little else. She has no wings, so no means to fly away from trouble, and she has no horn, which means no magic to back up her intelligence.
JofY: Okay, while this technically the same scene, it’s a different character, and the topic had shifted, so: [Racist Moment: 2]
SC276: OK, author, we get it, you don’t like Applejack, move on already.
To find the sustenance, the shelter, and the security she craves, it means finding a like minded companion that can shore up her shortcomings.”
Tail swishing, Rye nodded, understanding a bit more. “So a practical arrangement.” He blinked, almost stopping. “What about love?”
“What does love have to do with anything? Sustenance, shelter, security.”
JofY: Aw great, it’s repeating.
Princess Celestia’s voice lowered, almost to a whisper.
JofY: How low can their voices go?
SC276: Hopefully low enough to get under the bar.
“Love is a luxury, something you have if you are lucky, if you are graced, if life sees fit to give you extra. Love is something you figure out if you have after you have your sustenance, shelter, and security sorted out.
JofY: Or if you want those sorted out for you.
SC276: Does anyone else hear headdesking?
If you have a good partnership with somepony and both of your mutual needs are being met, one does not sully their practical relationship with love, thus risking their very existence.
But, should love happen, if you are lucky to have it blossom, it is pleasant to experience.”
JofY: [Celestia] “Just make sure to get to The Doctor, or a Delorean before you disappear.”
“So marriage isn’t about love?” Rye asked.
JofY: I sure do wonder if Kudzu is married.
“Most of the time, no it is not,”
JofY: Survey says: No!
SC276: ~Marriage is a partnership / A little tit-for-tat / You’d think a lifetime watching us / might have taught her that...~
Princess Celestia replied. “Love is something that happens in story books… more often than not, love is the undoing of many good relationships. But it is nice when you can find it. Love is a treasured, many splendored thing.”
JofY: Celestia is really bipolar about the subject. “We love, love. We love it. No! We hate love!”
SC276: I’m pretty sure she stole that line from a movie somewhere or something.
Princess Celestia let out a cough, a wheeze, and then drew in a deep breath. “Many of my guards keep the wives they wake up with.
JofY: “Daddy, I had a bad dream. Can I sleep with you?”
The seasons roll by and the seasons pass.
JofY: The seasons don’t bother helping a poor man.
SC276: I pass. New deal.
They settle in with their wives, become affectionate with time and familiarity. They have foals, become a family, life goes on. They exist together, either as partners, as friends, or as lovers for those lucky few. The seasons and time have their way with them, as seasons and time have their way with all, and one of them passes.
JofY: Are the seasons and time rapists?
The survivor realises how lucky they were to have a good partner, a good mate, they understand how blessed they were by fate and chance to wake up next to the pony they would spend their lives with after a drunken night of revelry. Such is the way that life works. I have watched this play out for thousands of turns of the seasons now. I can say that by averages, based upon my observations, of the happiest marriages I have seen, the couple started out as strangers, a chance encounter, usually involving alcohol, a simple twist of fate.”
JofY: Honestly, it can be near, far, wherever you are. I believe that your heart will, your heart will, go on.
SC276: And no one is concerned at all about the rising number of drunk marriages? Also, you’re happiest married to someone you’ve never even met? Also also, [Celestia] “Granted, that’s because I’m mind-controlling them all every time because I really don’t like any of you, but that’s the fact.”
Rye Mash did not know how to respond to everything Princess Celestia had said.
JofY: After all, it was incredibly stupid.
SC276: We’re barely holding our own ourselves.
He felt overwhelmed. How could he argue or deny the reasoning of a being that had seen thousands of turns of the seasons, by her own words?
JofY: Point out how flip-flopping she’s been?
“Mister Mash, marriage is a lot like claiming land.
JofY: ...Okay. Everyone, take five. This is going to hurt.
You do what you must, by hook or by crook, you claim or you seize what you have an interest in, and then after laying a claim to it, or after taking it, you do what you can to make the land yours.
SC276: You get drunk for it?
JofY: I’d recommend running-on it.
You build a homestead. You build walls for defense. The important thing is that you have the land, you figure out what to do with it after you have it.
JofY: Alright, we’ve fought for over 50 years, lost millions, and will forever be broken, just to get this land… Aw hell, what did we want it for again?
With land comes sustenance, shelter, and security.”
SC276: So… the leader of Equestria doesn’t give a fuck about women's rights? Is the author literally brain-dead?
To Rye’s ears, Princess Celestia sounded like a patient schoolteacher. A somewhat sick, weakened schoolteacher.
JofY: A shallow parody of what she once was.
SC276: [Celestia] “Usually I have them under mind-control by now.”
She did not sound well. To show that he was listening, he acknowledged her words. “I think I have a better understanding now… maybe. I still need time to think and sort everything out.”
Thoughtful, Rye, who thought himself intelligent, noticed that Princess Celestia kept using three words over and over. Sustenance, shelter, and security. As he trotted beside her, he gave these words some thought and considered how they applied to him.
SC276: Not all that well, as it turned out.
When he was a servant, he hardly ever had to worry about where his next meal came from.
JofY: Didn’t he have money in the last part?
Sure, most of them were not very good meals, but he had food. He had to have food to function, and Lace Collar had made certain that he was fed.
JofY: Okay… Well, too bad I don’t know anything to nitpick this scene.
SC276: I’m guessing the feed was salty, white, and came out of his cocktip.
Rye had a roof over his head. He had lived among the very wealthy and the privileged. The roof over his head had been far better than those who lived in shacks. He had lived a sheltered, comfortable enough, well to do existence acting as Lace Collar’s servant. As for security, for most of his existence as a servant, he had been kept safe.
SC276: Yeah, like that helped when the pirate ship attacked.
Looking back on it all, he understood why he had been such a happy servant, an obedient and well heeled servant that jumped at his master’s every order.
As a servant, as an indentured servant,
SC276: Stop repeating yourself.
SC276: Freakin’ touch me again and I’ll feed you to the fic!
he had enjoyed a level of sustenance, shelter, and security not available to the common pony.
JofY: Yeah, the commons don’t get any of those… Except we already saw, and talked about how they had a place to get food, sleep, and know that there was a force dedicated to keeping the peace, two chapters ago.
He now understood why ponies lined up to be servants for the wealthy; butlers, maids, scullery maids, chambermaids, nannies, nursemaids,
JofY: Laundry maids, house maids, lady’s maid, parlour maids- What we’re saying, is that it’s good to be a maid.
SC276: And we have seen evidence that this occurs where now?
by giving up some of their freedom and making themselves beholden to wealthy masters, they too, enjoyed a level of sustenance, shelter, and security that would otherwise be outside of their reach.
Then, it dawned upon him.
Mousy was not the sort who would be happy in servitude, at least, that was Rye’s well reasoned guess, so she had turned to less than legal activities as a means to provide for her own needs.
SC276: Like riffing terrible fanfiction.
For Mousy, marriage must have been preferable to outright servitude, a means to an end.
SC276: So she agreed to marry a drunk moron for her own future well-being… after leaving being a petty thief behind to join a pirate crew. Seems a bit of an unnecessary step, given Woe is in much the same boat, if even lower with a missing eye, and she’s gotten more character development even outside our actual development.
As for Rye himself, he had picked up a gun, he had armed himself. He now had the means to provide for his own sustenance, shelter, and security. Rye was never going back to servitude;
JofY: Damn it! I just accepted the fact that he was!
while there was happiness in having your needs provided for, there could be happiness in slavery, Rye would never go back.
JofY: Hey, black people in the 1800’s, what do you think?
Giving up his own personal liberty was not something that Rye had any desire to do.
SC276: And yet his narrative is an entangling prison.
“You have become quiet and thoughtful, my little pony,”
JofY: *punches someone*
SC276: Ow. Next time, aim for the pillow with the plant painted on it. ...I don’t know what the author looks like.
JofY: Sorry, I need to hurt an actual being whenever I read it.
Princess Celestia said to Rye.
Hearing Princess Celestia, Rye Mash had started to reply, his mouth opened, but no words came out. He wasn’t feeling very good, he was still hungover, and his mind was racing with all manner of profound thoughts.
“I wanted to speak with you alone, Mister Mash, because you impressed me.
JofY: “Your dick, is in fact, the biggest across all the land.”
SC276: [Celestia] “Unfortunately for you, being a pirate, you spend most of your time above water.”
Most ponies would have surrendered their weapons and stood down. You remained defiant. Foolish, perhaps, reckless, perhaps,
SC276: [Celestia] “Stupid, definitely…”
but you stuck to your guns in the most literal sense.
JofY: “Honestly, I’m a bit worried where you got the glue.”
I wanted to get to know you better as a pony.
JofY: As a horse though...
SC276: [Celestia] “Because Me-knows knowing you as a character is futile.”
I must confess,
SC276: ~-I have saved for the last / for the ruler of this Christmasland...~
I still have some reservations about entrusting the safety and welfare of my student into your care.”
SC276: [Celestia] “I have seen what you do with your guns, and despite having seen everything for at least several hundred years, I am what is called ‘grossed the fuck out.’”
“I probably didn’t do a very good job of assuring you by going out and doing what I did,” Rye Mash replied, now feeling very self conscious about what he had done. “I am never drinking again, ever.”
SC276: Yeah, I doubt that.
“So many little ponies say that after a night of drinking and waking up with a new wife or husband.” Princess Celestia let out a weak chuckle.
JofY: So, Polygamy is legal?
SC276: No, that’s poly of me! ...Doesn’t work as well.
“I do believe that the world would end if alcohol ceased to flow.”
SC276: I WAS JOKING!
“No, I mean it, I’m never drinking again… I can accept the consequences of waking up married, I’ll live with that and I will make it right, but strong drink opens up too many opportunities for one to lose his liberty.”
JofY: Aww hell. Now Rye is going to show off his philosophy minor.
SC276: Plus, y’know, wide-open to a backstab.
Rye Mash flogged his brain for a metaphor, some clever means to drive his point home, and he chewed upon his lip as he tried to think.
SC276: But failed miserably.
“It pleases me to hear you say that.”
Ears perking, he looked at Princess Celestia, hearing her words. He gave a nod of acknowledgement, was distracted for a moment by the shrieking of seagulls, and then knew what he wanted to say, how he could express himself.
JofY: Celestia-senpai noticed him!
“Drinking like that is like giving over my guns… I can no longer be responsible for myself,
JofY: So, removing his weapons, is like getting drunk, which would mean that he would be in such a rage state that… Oww...
I cannot defend my own liberties, and surrendering my guns is something that I will never allow myself to do, ever. Imbibing strong drink undermines my self standards.”
SC276: You don’t have standards, crotch-shooter..
The pair walked in silence, Rye Mash trying to keep up with the much longer stride of the princess beside him.
SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!
JofY: ...You know, they’ve been walking this entire time. Where have they been walking?
He could hear her laboured breathing, it was clear that she was sick, something was wrong, but she struck him as being far too proud to acknowledge it or let it slow her down.
SC276: I’d say Inky got a curse on her somehow, but that’s giving plant-boy too much credit.
As he walked, he watched a group of unicorns scrubbing the deck along the rails where birds had been sitting.
The silence became stifling, Rye felt as though he should be saying something, that there should be conversation,
JofY: There just was!
that was why he was here after all, he had only been quiet so he could listen to whatever Princess Celestia had to say.
SC276: What, you can’t hear the run-on sentences chasing down their prey?
But now, the silence had the wrong feel to it, it felt as though something needed to be said, but he didn’t know what.
SC276: Didn’t we already go through this?
Princess Celestia was trying to learn more about him, what sort of pony he was, she was looking for reassurance that her student could be found and that her student would be safe.
SC276: I mean, she could just mind-control him. That’s a thing she does in this universe, I believe.
Rye Mash issued a challenge to his brain—try to find something reassuring to say to the alicorn princess beside him.
SC276: It failed miserably. Fail 3x combo!
JofY: “I hate sand!”
Something heartfelt, sincere, and meaningful.
SC276: Coming from Kudzu? Highly doubt it.
Whatever she was, an alicorn, a princess, she was also a mare, a pony. She had to have all of the same sorts of fear, worries, and doubt he did. Princess Celestia also needed sustenance, shelter, and security, or so Rye reasoned.
SC276: If you’re telling me she’s literally getting sick with worry, I’ll run you through. A cannonball run. You through.
As he thought about this, Princess Celestia fell to the deck with a thump beside him.
SC276: Fucking timing!
Rye cried out, startled, fearful, he stood wide eyed and staring at her fallen form.
JofY: Fallen, from her prime state, you might say.
Blood began to pool around her muzzle, gushing from both nostrils.
SC276: Well that’s definitely something that should happen at this point with no fucking warning!
JofY: Man, she got really horny.
Not even giving it a second thought, he lifted her head away from the deck, pulling back her hood, trying to keep the blood from staining her white pelt.
SC276: Her mane, however, could get all the blood it wanted.
There were black circles around her eyes, which were closed, and she did not look well.
SC276: Well she just fainted and is having the mother of all nosebleeds, of course she doesn’t fucking look well!
JofY: My god! We already knew this from before!
Lifting his head at the sound of approaching guards, Rye panicked. “I didn’t do anything!”
“We know,” a guard replied as he approached, “we were watching.
JofY: “Don’t worry, we’re the cause.”
Please, keep holding her head, if you don’t mind.”
JofY: Okay, while it is actually a bad idea to do this, there is a reasonable amount of people who don’t know this, so I’ll give this a pass.
The guard, a gruff looking pegasus, looked around. “Somepony go get some cloths. We’re going to need a few unicorns to carry her belowdecks!”
SC276: [guard] “I mean, one stout Earth pony could also do the job, but fuck them they’re useless.”
“What is wrong with her?” Rye asked as he continued to cradle Princess Celestia’s head in his telekinesis.
SC276: Well her nose is fucking bleeding, for one...
His eyes narrowed and his face became pinched with concern, it was strange watching an alicorn bleed, strange and more than a little frightening. She was the Goddess of the Sun, Immortal, Just, and True.
SC276: Because gods don’t bleed.
Watching blood as it gushed from her nostrils was terrifying.
JofY: It was like a hose watering a lawn of death.
What could do this to her?
SC276: If it actually is a curse, I so totally called it.
The guard’s expression soured. “She won’t tell us… she is far too proud. But something is working against her.” The guard’s scowl intensified. “Should you find the cause for her malady when you go hunting for her student, I hope that you will put lots of bullets into whomever or whatever is responsible for this.”
JofY: Yes, shoot the virus. Shoot, the virus. SHOOT! THE! VIRUS! Yes, I know that it’s going to be magical B.S., but do they? After all, Celestia isn’t being forthcoming with info, so for all they know, it could be a specific disease.
Rye nodded, “Oh, believe me, I shall…”
SC276: [Rye] “Followed by my dick in each hole!”
Been at this chapter since early this morning.
JofY: But it’s 12:01 am!
It kept coming out all wrong.
SC276: If this is what you consider right, I’d hate to see the earlier drafts. Also, that’s probably because that shit is wrong.
I think I'm happy with this version. Princess Celestia kept sounding condescending and preachy in previous versions.
JofY: Now she just talks about how love is false and should be searched for only three times.
SC276: Instead, Rye sounds like that now. Good compromise.
Ugh, I've been at this since about 6 AM.
There was no feeling worse than being in the dark about something that was going on.
JofY: Unfortunately, the switch was on the other side of the room and he didn’t feel like getting up to flip it.
Rye Mash hated it, he felt frustrated and angry as he stood upon the deck of The Apogee looking over at Princess Celestia’s ship. Unable to do anything, Rye stomped his hoof and as he did so, he heard the fluttering of wings, the sound of feathers cutting through wind.
SC276: ~Your heart’s an empty hole...~
Rye did not look at his captain, but remained focused on Princess Celestia’s ship.
SC276: Are you able to refer to the character as anything besides “Princess Celestia”?
“—I had a pegasus from the guard come over and tell me what happened.” Captain Spyglass folded his wings against his sides and moved beside Rye. “I was told that you acted like a perfect gentlepony, and that you impressed all of those who observed you.”
JofY: Guess who just earned themselves a trip to McDonalds!
SC276: [Spyglass] “Why he told me that before telling me about the princess collapsing with a horribly-bleeding nose is beyond me.”
“I wasn’t trying to impress anypony,” Rye replied.
SC276: You weren’t trying to shot that griffon captain’s groin off either. When are you going to accept that you do things by accident a lot?
Looking solemn, Spyglass cleared his throat. “Nevertheless, you did, and it means a great deal to me. Mister Mash, as ponies of fortune, we have little but our reputation. While I must confess that I was furious with you for not surrendering your guns, it seems that it has worked out for the best.
JofY: Okay, this dialogue is as wooden as in an RPG with ‘moral choices’.
Princess Celestia was impressed by your,” the pegasus’ face contorted as he thought about the right words to say, “display of defiance.”
SC276: [Celestia] “I don’t know why I’m intrigued by someone that didn’t fall under my mind-control like immediately.”
Captain Spyglass relaxed a bit, his ears splaying out sideways from his head. “We’ll be leaving soon, we have kindly been provided with a lead. We’ll be heading to Cheval Rouge, a city to the north of here in Fancy.”
SC276: I thought they were in Fancy already. The town they’re in is named after Port-Blanc, and that’s pretty far north as it is as France goes. The first result for “rouge france,” since “Cheval Rouge” is an abstract sculpture in Washington DC, on Google is Collonges-la-Rouge, which is further south.
“Good, I’d like to get started.” Rye’s brows furrowed and his forehead wrinkled.
“Mister Mash, this is going to be a bloody business…
JofY: “Seriously, the blood bank in town closed donations with how much they collected from Celestia’s nose.”
I’d like to keep as much of my crew out of it as possible—”
SC276: You attack slaving ships stocked with creatures that have talons. How is this going to be more bloody than that?
“I understand,” Rye said, cutting in and nodding his head.
One eye squinting, the other eye wide, Spyglass gave Rye a curious look.
JofY: I don’t think that’s a curious look.
He could sense the anger coming from his cabin colt, the frustration, the eagerness.
JofY: Anakin, no!
SC276: Anakin, yes!
Captain Spyglass came to the unsettling conclusion that Rye Mash wanted the bloody business to start…
JofY: He was not going to let that little girl bleed out on him!
SC276: What do you expect when his main talent is firearms?
Rye wanted to be in the middle of it. Rye was one of those sorts of ponies.
“She is a majestic creature, isn’t she?” Spyglass asked in a low voice.
SC276: Given we’ve had Rye give personalities to his guns, I’m not sure who exactly they’re talking about.
“Yes, she is,” Rye replied.
“I still don’t know how I feel about getting involved in this.” Captain Spyglass’ eyes glanced over at Princess Celestia’s airship.
SC276: [Spyglass] “I mean, it’s one thing attacking ships all by our lonesome, but getting the crown’s permission to improve the world? Awfully suspicious.”
Guards marched on the deck and the sound of ironshod hooves could be heard from where the pegasus stood on The Apogee.
“It feels like the right thing to do,” Rye said, his voice dropping, almost to a whisper.
JofY: Why is everyone so scared they’re being listened to?
SC276: Big Sister is watching.
“Speaking of the right thing to do…” Captain Spyglass’ words trailed off as he turned to look at Rye. “Are you going to do right by Miss Mousy?”
SC276: And now I’m thinking of Minnie Mouse, great job, story.
Rye’s ears fell, drooping against his cheeks. He turned to look at his captain. “She caught me fair and square.
JofY: ...Title drop?
I allowed myself to be caught.
JofY: Title drop.
I intend to do what is right.”
JofY: Run away.
“Good, I would be disappointed with you otherwise.” Captain Spyglass drew in a deep breath, his sides expanding, and his wings flapped once against his sides. “Several of my crew got married during shore leave.
JofY: You know, not every one night stand leads to pregnancy.
SC276: All marriages are a result of drunken one-night stands, all fillies expect to get it in the ass, all griffons are slavers… This is perhaps the most one-dimensional load of nothing I’ve ever seen.
They have all asked to be left here. I’ve taken on several new crew members… ah, Sable Blanc. The young and the hopeful come here, both fillies and colts, all of them looking for a ship to enter the harbour.
JofY: Ya gonna have children running the ship!?
For fillies of the right age, each ship brings a chance to marry, and for colts, a ship is a means of escape, a chance to see the world.
JofY: To wear a red shirt and be shot and forgotten before the episode ends.
SC276: And the fillies don’t want to escape because *Bobert commercial*
Much of my crew once boarded a ship in a harbour just like this one, and now that they have seen the world, they are ready to settle down. A young maid is happy to catch them.
JofY: [Rye] “What about the foa-”
[Spyglass] “Especially the foals!”
Such is the way of life. After settling down, the young couple has a few foals. Time passes. In time, there is a new filly waiting for ships on the horizon, bringing with them a chance for a husband, or a colt watching and waiting for a ship to take him away from this boring place, giving him a chance for adventure on the high sea or in the clouds.
JofY: And thus, the cycle runs-on.
SC276: It’s gotta break at some point. Eventually, someone’s gonna marry someone without being drunk first, and the whole system will collapse.
But the circle of life begins and ends in little towns like this one.”
SC276: Shut up, Mufasa.
Blinking, Rye took in his captain’s words.
“Mister Mash, I have lived long enough that I have seen this drama play out an endless number of times now.”
JofY: And none of them can act!
SC276: I can’t tell, did that guy die? It was kind of ambiguous.
Captain Spyglass sighed. “So many ponies walk in and out of my life. Crab Apple is leaving us, Mister Mash. He will be returning home upon one of Princess Celestia’s ships.”
“Why now, of all times?” Rye asked.
SC276: [Spyglass] “He realized that he contributed nothing to the plot and the author hates Earth ponies.”
“He has earned the wealth that he was looking for.
JofY: One penny.
With the pardon I secured for him from Princess Celestia, he feels it is time to get away from this life while he still can. I shall miss him a great deal, I liked him.”
JofY: He was named.
Captain Spyglass’ mane lifted in the strong breeze and his feathers ruffled. He breathed in the tangy, salty air, his nostrils flaring.
SC276: Dude, you fly over the ocean all the goddamn time. You can do that whenever.
“Captain Spyglass, if you will excuse me, I am going to go and speak with my wife.”
Belowdecks was a mess.
JofY: He just got sued by his best friend.
SC276: And then he went out drinking to forget and ended up getting hitched because the author has no idea what “variance” is.
The smell of wood was strong in the air, along with sawdust. It seemed that some carpentry was going on. A few strange unicorns that Rye didn’t know, along with a few minotaurs, were doing some woodworking. Rye could hear the sounds of sawing and of hammering, which filled his head with a throbbing ache.
JofY: Stop being useful! His poor mind can’t handle the stress!
It seemed the cabins were being rebuilt to be more efficient.
JofY: It would be able to be slept in with 30% more speed!
SC276: What, hammocks weren’t enough for you people? Particularly given I’ve seen where the plot’s going since the Spyglass conversation.
Looking around, he saw no sign of Mousy or Bloody Velvet. Much to his surprise, Starjammer was working with the carpenters, Rye couldn’t believe that Starjammer would sully himself with common labour, yet the quiet stallion of few words was building a door frame.
JofY: But enough about wingmen.
SC276: When has Starjammer shown he avoids doing hard labor when he’s on a freakin’ pirate ship?
From somewhere out of line of sight, he could hear Oola singing something as she worked, some song about a hammer.
SC276: [Oola] ~Maxwell Edison, majoring in medicine, calls her on the phone...~
The sawdust in the air made Rye feel like sneezing. He fled the area, turning tail, heading back up the stairs, and then emerged out upon the deck.
SC276: I don’t think the author knows how “belowdecks” works.
No sign of Mousy or Bloody Velvet anywhere. Or Woe Betide, now that he thought about it.
Frowning, Rye wondered if Bloody Velvet and Mousy were avoiding him. What if Mousy had herself a change of heart?
JofY: She finally found a donor?
What if she wanted out of this?
JofY: Que get out of story joke.
SC276: [Mousy] “We gotta find a way outta this fic!”
Or what if Velvet was trying to get Mousy to reconsider? His head still hurt too much to think about this. He needed a quiet place, a dark place, a place with no sun, no sound, a peaceful place to rest his head, but no such place seemed to exist at the moment.
SC276: *aims a cannon at him* I can fix that!
JofY: I bet you don’t have the balls to launch it.
SC276: I’ll just use the rest of you for ammo.
JofY: ...Yeah. That ain’t gonna work.
Somepony was trying to put an end to the Alicorn of the Sun,
SC276: Who ruled the Kingdom of the Sun before it got reworked into Celestia’s New Groove...
which would no doubt plunge the world into darkness, his new wife and his friend seemed to be avoiding him, his head hurt, and he had no quiet place to retreat to.
JofY: And he couldn’t help himself from running on.
This was turning out to be a wretched day.
SC276: This was turning out to be a wretched fic. Like, more wretched than originally anticipated.
Rye closed his eyes and gritted his teeth together.
JofY: He’s going 90’s! Run!
Perhaps he could go into town, find a quiet cafe, and have a nice cup of tea.
SC276: Maybe get drunk and married to someone else.
Rye Mash gave a bleary stare up at the wooden sign.
JofY: [Sign] “If you are reading this, you’re driving too close.”
“Tarte et Café.” Rye had no clue what the words meant, but there was a picture of a pie and a cup on the sign. Lines had been carved into the wood over the pie and the cup, a visual representation of steam rising.
In front of the cafe, there was a unicorn painting on a battered looking easel, a large mug of some hot, steaming beverage beside him, along with a baguette, a wedge of cheese, and a bottle of wine, still corked.
JofY: He’s FRENCH!
SC276: And… apparently a painting?
The unicorn was painting a bowl of fruit, an act which baffled Rye Mash. Why would anypony paint a bowl of fruit?
JofY: Most ponies paint vegetables.
He did not understand art sometimes.
SC276: Given what we’ve been reading, neither does the author.
He pushed open the door and was hit by a rush of cool air. Inside the cafe, it was cool, delightfully so,
SC276: Apparently the French invented air conditioning.
it was dim, the air was fragrant with the smell of baked goods, tea, and coffee.
“Welcome to Monsieur Cake’s bakery, sailor,” an older mare behind the counter said. “I am Mademoiselle Petits Pains, but most of our customers call me Madam Buns, or just Buns.”
JofY: “(In a bad French accent) But you would k’new if you warnt such a filthy pig!”
SC276: Why would her customers, who presumably speak the language on the sign, not use part of her actual name?
The older mare smiled and gestured at the empty cafe. “Sit anywhere you like. You came in during an off hour. Most are busy working… we get most of our business during the lunch hour or during the evening, when a pony wishes to unwind.”
SC276: Trust me, it’s 2:30 pm right now, and I need to unwind seriously from going through this nonsense.
The cafe’s interior was almost all stone. Stone floor, stone walls, stone counters, all of it cool and inviting.
JofY: All in all, it was a good place to get stoned.
SC276: This is my brand of decor when I’m sucking at designing environments.
The tables appeared to be old barrels cut in half and set upon the floor.
JofY: Unfortunately, the wood was rotten on most of them.
SC276: Must not be a very prosperous café if it can’t afford actual tables.
There were no chairs, just worn out looking pillows and cushions left scattered around the half barrel tables.
JofY: In all honesty, they should have gone all the way with the stone motif.
The interior was dim, almost dark, and there was a peculiar stench in the air that made the back of the Rye’s throat tickle. He stood, sniffing, trying to figure out what the horrible smell was. It was like rancid milk left in the sun, but worse, far, far worse.
SC276: That’s the cue to go eat someplace else. This joint probably has rats or something.
“Smells marvellous, doesn’t it?” the old mare asked. She closed her eyes, inhaled, and then opened her eyes as her smile widened.
JofY: She just started the high.
“We make monster cheese…
JofY: I was joking!
there is a batch aging in the cellar… we take the finest goats, scare them with the finest monsters, and it produces a most merveilleux fromage.”
JofY: ...This is a place that serves goat piss?
SC276: What, no special unicorns to milk them with?
“Oh.” Rye stared at the mare, wondering if she was pulling his leg.
“My granpapa has experimented with using a cockatrice to stare at the cheese…
JofY: What the fuck am I on!?
SC276: Whatever it is, I want in.
it makes the cheese very hard, gives it a rock solid rind, but it also gives the cheese a most unusual but pleasant flavour.
JofY: Personally, I find it rather pissy.
It is rather nutty,” the chatty old mare said to Rye as the colt sat down upon a faded purple pillow with tassels on each of the four corners.
SC276: [Buns] “Now buy some, because that’s the only reason I’d talk about it besides pointless exposition the audience doesn’t care about.”
“I’d like a cup of tea, please. And maybe something to eat… I’m suffering from a hangover…
JofY: It has to have been hours! My god! How bad are your hangovers!?
SC276: Bad enough he got fucking married, apparently.
I don’t know what sounds good to eat right now.”
JofY: “Hell, I sorta want to eat a pigeon.”
Rye leaned against the half barrel table, his head aching, and his stomach turning from the stench creeping up out from the cellar.
SC276: If the smell is making you sick, the number one survival instinct is leave the room.
“Oui, Monsieur, I have what you need,” the mare replied, her smile vanishing as a look of genuine concern took over her features.
JofY: Realizing where she was.
Hooves clicking, the mare darted through a doorway and vanished, leaving Rye all alone.
Sighing, Rye decided that he liked the older unicorn mare.
SC276: Insert harem joke here.
He rested against his half barrel table, his forelegs folded over the heavy, well worn and well polished wood. He heard the clatter of metal coming from some back room, the sound caused his ears to twitch and made him grimace in pain.
JofY: This is why we think of him as a whimp.
But then the silence returned and Rye felt a little better.
SC276: Meanwhile, we feel worse.
He dug out his coin purse from a pouch on his body harness and set it out on the table.
SC276: It was immediately stolen. *pulls out a vacuum cleaner*
JofY: Oh, thank you. You have no idea how long that rug’s been dirty.
He belched, a sour taste flooding his mouth, and he shuddered as the foul smell of his own breath violated his nostrils.
SC276: You feel your sins crawling down your back.
The mare reappeared, bearing a tray.
JofY: And forced the tray down his mouth.
She hurried through the room, moving with care and near silence, her hoofsteps muffled against the stone floor.
SC276: What’s the rush? It’s not like you have other customers, though given the terrible lighting, they could just be lurking in the corners.
Standing by Rye’s table, she put down a large mug, a teapot, a small bowl of heavy cream, a jar of honey, a plate of some pastries, and a large wedge of pie.
SC276: That’s a lot of stuff for someone that hasn’t even paid yet.
The pie was strange and Rye stared at it.
SC276: Don’t do that, it’s rude.
“Quiche,” the mare said before Rye could speak. “A pie made from eggs, cheese, and vegetables. Today’s quiche has spinach, fennel, leeks, and eggplant. I assure you, it will make you feel better.”
SC276: Probably me too, but those last three things kill it for me.
There was a soft clunk of metal as the mare set down a spoon beside the slice of pie. “Bon appétit.”
SC276: Who eats pie with a freakin’ spoon?
JofY: Note: We here at F/F/T3k15 do not discriminate against others eating choices. If you do eat pie with a spoon, blame SC276 and not us. Thank you.
The mare bowed and then hurried away. Rye watched her go and heard her say, “Forgive me, but there are things in the oven that must come out… we are preparing for the rush of evening.”
SC276: What freakin’ time is it anyway?
JofY: I don’o clock.
that the mare had not collected payment.
SC276: That’s because the only currently she accepts is souls.
JofY: Darn, I still haven’t gone back from children's hearts after my trip.
Bleary eyed, he blinked a few times, not knowing what to do, then, shrugging, he lifted up his spoon in his telekinesis, poked at his strange pie, and took a bite.
It was hot, but not too hot.
SC276: So, just right?
It was eggy, it was cheesy, it oozed with buttery flavour, and Rye found that he was, indeed, hungry. He tore into his slice of quiche with gusto, gobbling it down, forgetting all about his good manners.
SC276: Much like the author did by posting this travesty in the first place.
As he shoveled the last bite of quiche into his mouth, the door to the cafe opened.
JofY: “THIS IS THE POLICE! WE HEARD A REPORT ABOUT SOMEONE FORGETTING THEIR MANNERS!”
Rye lifted his head while smacking his lips and chewing. What he saw surprised him. He sat there, blinking, and his food almost fell out of his mouth.
Mousy and Bloody Velvet had entered.
SC276: Well that’s right convenient.
Something was different about Mousy and Velvet,
SC276: They had misplaced their pronouns somewhere.
JofY: They were dead.
but Rye could only stare at Mousy. She was shiny, sleek, her pelt was slick looking, her mane had been trimmed and so had her tail.
JofY: Someone abused her with glitter!
Rye’s spoon clattered to the table with a metallic thump of silver on wood.
SC276: Dude, she just took a bath or something.
JofY: ...That’s the oddest euphemism for an erection I’ve heard.
“And here he is… I told you I would find him,” Velvet said to Mousy.
SC276: [Velvet] “AND UNIT-MOUSEY DOUBTED THIS UNIT’S GPS FUNCTIONALITY.”
Smiling, Velvet gave Mousy a nudge, a wink, and a nod.
“I’m going to leave you two alone.” Velvet turned her head and looked at Rye, giving him a distasteful scowl.
JofY: ...Well, someone’s being rude.
“Rye, darling, close your mouth. It’s full of food.”
SC276: Oh shut up, ya bloody robot.
With that, Bloody Velvet backed out of the door and was gone, leaving Rye and Mousy alone in the cafe.
JofY: The waitress is making a break for it!
Mousy, looking shy, approached Rye’s table, her tail swishing from side to side as she moved, her eyes focused on Rye with a bashful stare.
“Velvet insisted that I get groomed… she said that every husband deserves to see his bride in a state of perfection at least once,” Mousy said as she sat down at the table with Rye.
SC276: [Mousy] “So she threw me in the ocean. Your ‘queen’ is freakin’ crazy.”
“Do you like what you see?”
JofY: Not particularly.
Nodding, Rye swallowed with a gulp and continued to stare. He was so focused on Mousy that he failed to notice the older mare creeping up on the table, silent, moving with a wide grin, until she set down a bit more food and a second mug.
He glanced at her, and once again, he forgot to bring up the matter of his bill to Madam Buns.
JofY: ...Your 10 year old wife is right there!
She was gone in the bat of an eyelash, vanishing back through the door and into the kitchen, leaving Rye and Mousy in awkward silence.
SC276: This is like that restaurant in Freefall with the French ninjas, only with poorer lighting.
Rye poured himself a cup of tea, almost spilling it, and then poured one for Mousy.
Rye added cream and honey to both cups as he kept glancing up at Mousy. She looked radiant, that was the only word he could think of to describe her. She was happy, joyful, and scared.
SC276: Good to know fear is a critical component of radiance.
Looking at her, Rye could see it.
JofY: The bomb.
Seeing her fear made him feel better, he wasn’t the only one feeling some trepidation about all of this.
SC276: [Rye] “Your fear arouses me. Granted, so does everything else about you.”
“Rye, I have a confession, I almost ran away,” Mousy whispered as Rye stirred both teacups. “Velvet knew what I was thinking and she stopped me.
SC276: What, you couldn’t just have the marriage annulled? Honestly, given the way Celestia was talking about it, there’s probably not a whole lot of legal meaning to the term anyway.
JofY: If you get drunk, you get married. It’s law.
I’m sorry… I…”
Looking into Mousy’s eyes, he saw a lot more fear now and a lot less joy and happiness.
SC276: Fear levels are off the charts.
Her mouth was moving, but no words were coming out.
JofY: Oh! Sorry, I accidently pressed mute.
Her ears were limp against her face. Her eyes began to glisten.
“They only tell you to catch a husband…
JofY: [Mousy] “But I’ve caught 7!”
find a worthwhile colt or a stallion and then finagle your way into marriage.”
SC276: “Wait until they’re drunk” is not “finagling” if it’s literally how every marriage starts.
Mousy shook her head as more words spilled out and she blinked away tears. “I’ll admit, about five minutes after I met you, I was plotting on how I would win you over or trick you into marriage…
JofY: *laughing* What age did she realize she need to do this?
you seemed a bit too clever and dangerous to con so I thought I would endear myself to you somehow.
SC276: And I suppose you went for him because Spyglass wasn’t available? Even though you had no evidence he was anything more than a cabin boy?
JofY: No, you see, he was wearing neon signs indicating that he was the protagonist, and their first meeting in slow-mo.
I didn’t expect for you to come to me and when you did, I told you no… I didn’t expect myself to do that, I found that I actually liked you and for a moment, I felt wrong about what I had wanted.”
JofY: Lazy retconning or subtle character development? You make the call!
Rye’s ears stood at attention while Mousy poured her heart to him.
SC276: *pours a tankard of orange juice* This is the only way I’m getting through this...
“A filly is told over and over about how to catch a colt or a stallion, but nopony ever told me what to do with one once I caught him,”
JofY: I wonder what those teaching moments were like… “Remember kids, when you meet someone of opposite gender, fling your genitals at them until they bend to your will.”
Mousy said in a low whisper as she tapped her front hooves together. “I got scared, Rye. I thought about running. I’m a grifter, Rye, and an earth pony. All I have is my wits.
SC276: [Mousy] “Also an innate connection to the land that lets me do amazing things with trial and error, but the author doesn’t know that.”
JofY: [Racist Moment: 3]
When trouble comes, all I can do is run and hope for the best.”
JofY: ~So I ran, I ran so far away.~
She turned away, her barrel rising and falling as she breathed. “I’m sorry… I don’t mean to be all weepy.” Mousy sniffled and stared down into her tea.
SC276: Don’t worry lady, it’s the author’s fault.
“As I recall, you were about to be married when we met.” Rye lifted a pastry off of the small plate beside his teacup. It had some kind of purple-red jelly, was flaky, and smelled sour.
JofY: No! Wait! You’ll have to marry it if you eat it out!
He stuffed it into his mouth and puckered up from the tart flavour of some kind of berries.
“Yes,” Mousy sighed, shaking her head, and her eyes narrowed. “He was awful, I couldn’t marry him, he got off on hurting fillies.
SC276: Is it the author? Well, he gets off on fucking fillies...
I heard stories… I’ve almost been married a few times now… I’m ashamed to admit.”
JofY: She’s like ten! How many pedofelias are there!?
SC276: Well it’s this universe, so basically half the male population. And that’s best-case.
“A few times?” Rye asked.
SC276: How many drunks does Trottingham have?
“I ain’t proud about it,” Mousy replied, “I did tell you I’m a grifter.”
“What happened?” Rye ate another tart and then slid a few over to Mousy.
SC276: Big paragraph ahoy. Literally the only good part about the fic is at least the paragraph structure is more-or-less correct.
JofY: Oh boy, sure glad I can read that and not have that fact told to me and trust it on blind faith.
“Well, during some particularly hard times, I might have led on a few well to do ponies enough to get some gifts along with talk of marriage. My former accomplices and I might have concocted a few clever ruses to make a few wealthy marks believe I was something that I was not…
SC276: “Your dowry! It’s my right!”
one suitor believed I was the unfortunate earth pony daughter of a wealthy unicorn diplomat, who would be very, very grateful if somepony took pity on his poor, unfortunate daughter that had been born an earth pony and married her.
JofY: With this statement, it almost sounds like being born without wings or a horn is a genetic defect.
JofY: I already added one for this ‘woe is me’ conversation, and it needs to be both explicit racism and a change needs to happen in the conversation to count.
As it turns out, my so called ‘father’ was my accomplice and my former boss, a unicorn named Fortunato. The pony that wanted to marry me showered me and Fortunato with gifts.”
“So what happened? How did this end?” Rye, curious, took a sip of tea and waited for Mousy to tell him.
SC276: ~Then next to the graveyard by the old oak tree / on a dark foggy night at a quarter to three / she was ready to go, but where was he...?~
“The mark had a friend that got worried and did a little investigating at the embassy. Fortunato and I were hunted. I got out of the city, Liverypool,
and from what I hear, they sealed Fortunato up inside of a wall, bricking him in,”
JofY: Oh no! He could just walk away… Since it’s just one wall. Or is he actually the wall?
Mousy paused and looked Rye in the eye, “what a horrible way to go.”
SC276: Bricking him- wait... *Googles*...Fortunato is the name of the guy the protagonist of The Cask of Amontillado walls in. Author, if you’re trying to hide your sources, don’t reference Edgar Allen freakin’ Poe.
“But you got away—”
“Fortunato made certain that I got away. He gave me money and got me out of the city… he was good to me… he was into stallions and I felt safe with him…
SC276: I don’t know why this author insists on creating a dark world where a young girl has to be with a gay to feel safe.
JofY: Maybe he thinks gays are flamboyant?
he never tried to do anything awful to me and we did a lot of father-daughter scams. I was his meal ticket and he was my protection.”
JofY: Okay, where’s the shelter?
Mousy’s eyes became glassy with tears that she blinked away.
JofY: Her tears are made out of molten sand?
“It’s hard being an earth pony and it’s even harder being a female. Life doesn’t give you a lot of options,
SC276: [Mousy] “...especially when the author can’t remember what Earth ponies can actually do...”
the big cities are horrible places… I didn’t want to be a harlot, a warm inviting hole ready at a moment’s notice.
SC276: I’d ask if she was talking about when she grew up, but then I remember it’s this dumbfuck author.
I tried being honest and pulling a cab for a while, but that was dangerous…
JofY: She started smoking when she was 3.
I had passengers that wanted me to take them to less than desireable places and I knew what would happen to me if I took them there… it just isn’t safe for a female to be pulling a cab.”
JofY: When did you get a driver's license? When were cars made!?
Scowling, Rye nodded. It wasn’t safe to be a servant either, he recalled the many times he had warned a filly or a young mare fresh to the job not to be alone in a room where certain colts or stallions might prey upon them.
JofY: Wasn’t like a chapter/half a chapter ago, he was saying how safe slavery was!?
He also recalled the pained looks upon the faces of the fillies and young mares that had not listened to what he had to say.
JofY: Or were those the ones that were listening to them?...
The broken, defeated, pained looks… even worse, many of those fillies and young mares kept working after the fact, needing the job, and having no other recourse.
SC276: Also, you got beat up when the son was bad as if that was supposed to be punishment for him.
Tilting his head, Rye watched as Mousy lowered herself down and began lapping up tea from out of her cup.
JofY: Who’s a good bitch? Who’s a good bitch? You are. Yes, you are.
He saw her orange tongue flicking out from between her lips,
SC276: why is her tongue orange that is not normal tongue color
JofY: I believe it’s an animation error.
and then, her mouth puckering, she placed her lips down into her tea so she could slurp some up. He saw her eyes darting upwards, looking at him, and he could see her shy, bashful expression. She looked ashamed.
SC276: For what, drinking tea?
It was hard to tell if he was being conned and Rye wished that Velvet was here.
JofY: Clearly the crazy violent pony is what is needed.
He supposed it was in Mousy’s better interests to be honest with him.
SC276: Best interests. It’s called “best interests,” plant-boy.
Velvet had no doubt had a few choice words with Mousy, or so Rye guessed. From the kitchen, there was a soft clatter, which caused Rye and Mousy’s ears to twitch.
SC276: Obviously an important detail!
“I’ve done some bad things but I’m not a bad pony,”
JofY: You and Walter White.
Mousy whispered as she lifted her head and tea dribbled down her chin. “I can be good to you if you give me a chance.
SC276: Pretty sure he was looking for you, sister.
JofY: That word choice doesn’t help your statement.
I can be a better pony if you give me a chance. Bloody Velvet… she… she—”
“She what?” Rye asked as Mousy gave him a fearful look.
“She said that if I did you wrong that she…
JofY: [Mousy] “She gave me a purple nurple.”
well, never mind what she said.” Mousy shivered, her teeth clattering together, and she looked at Rye. “I suppose they call her Bloody Velvet for a reason.”
SC276: [Velvet] “HAVING DISCOVERED THAT FLESH-UNICORNS CAN BE REPROGRAMMED AS THIS UNIT CAN, THIS UNIT IS SEEKING TEST SUBJECTS FOR EXPERIMENTS REGARDING SAID REPROGRAMMING. FAILURE TO PLEASE UNIT-RYE WILL RESULT IN UNIT-MOUSY BEING PERMANENTLY LISTED AS A TEST SUBJECT.”
“So… partners then? You watch my back, I’ll watch yours, and while we might have some… questionable dealings with others, we remain honest and true to each other?”
SC276: Given plant-boy insists on Earth ponies being useless, she’s pretty much going to be the load for the rest of the story.
Rye Mash gazed into Mousy’s eyes and felt his heart quicken.
JofY: His heart started taxes early this year.
She was pretty, he could not deny that.
“I can do that,” Mousy replied as she batted her eyelashes at Rye.
Rye Mash, who was feeling a little better now, found himself entranced with Mousy. “I’m looking forward to our mutually beneficial partnership…”
SC276: This is like noticing you burnt the steak, so you turn the heat down most of the way, but not turning it off so it’s still slow-cooking.
My French is terrible, please, feel free to correct me if needed.
SC276: Pretty sure you’d just say I’m wrong and your story is flawless.
“You wanted to see me?” Rye Mash looked at the stricken alicorn laying in her bed.
SC276: Because it’s not like she fell ill the last time they talked to each other.
Her body twitched, she shivered, and her eyes were unfocused.
JofY: [Rye] “You wanted to speak with me?”
[Celstia] *Unconscious twitching*
[Rye] “Uck! How could you!? You sicken me!”
He felt a growing feeling of concern and unease when he looked upon Princess Celestia.
He had returned to The Apogee with Mousy when he had been approached by one of Princess Celestia’s guards, telling him that he was wanted.
SC276:This guy is just bouncing between events like a freakin’ pinball. Everyone’s coming to see him.
Rye had come at once, worried, and Mousy had come with him, insisting on remaining by his side.
Princess Celestia’s laboured breathing was heavy in his ears and her eyes seemed to be staring through him. He could feel the heat radiating from her body, as if she was being consumed by some terrible fever. She was sweaty, the parts of her not covered by her blanket were slick and shiny.
“Stella… old tongue… it means star,”
Princess Celestia managed to say in between panting gasps. “The stars... will aid... in her escape… star magic… is rare… and powerful… you must hurry.”
Rye’s ears perked forwards, he did not understand.
JofY: That powerful magic is in play and can be used to your advantage. Pay attention!
He lowered his head and he heard the clank of armor as a guard shifted position.
JofY: Wait a second… That’s not shift… IT’S CAPS LOCK! RUN!
When he was almost nose to nose with Princess Celestia, he realised that he could smell the sickness, that smell that ponies got from sweat, illness, high fever, and something going wrong with their insides.
JofY: Rye finally realized the benefits of him getting that medical degree.
A chilly ache permeated his guts and terminated in his balls with a stabbing throb, making the entirety of his nether regions clench.
JofY: ...Is he getting off on this!?
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” Rye said in a soft voice.
SC276: That would be because it was ambiguous as fuck.
JofY: Please try again, after the tone.
“The world… will be… lost… to darkness.”
JofY: Damn it, Darkness! Did you lose the world, again?
Princess Celestia’s halting, stammering speech came out as little more than a fevered, almost delirious sounding whisper. “Great evil… locked away… but the stars… the stars… are hers... I cannot… control them… any longer… something else… seeks… to… free… her.”
SC276: ...Well guess you’re feeling silly now for ignoring the suggestions of an assassination attempt, now aren’t you?
“Who?” Rye asked. He blinked. “I don’t understand… free what?”
“Darkness,” Princess Celestia replied, exhaling the word in a breathy utterance.
Confused, Rye stood there, not knowing what to do, what to say, or even how to respond.
JofY: He didn’t know what words are.
Princess Celestia was no doubt consumed by fever, he could see it, smell it, he could feel it radiating from her, it was like standing next to a furnace.
JofY: Cooking a fine stew.
She wasn’t making a lot of sense.
SC276: The rest of the fic is already doing that.
“You… have to… hurry, Rye,” Princess Celestia whispered.
JofY: Yeah, it’s been like a week since you first got the mission. Do something already!
Drawing in a deep breath, flogging his brain for what to say or do, Rye was about to say something when Princess Celestia’s horn flashed.
SC276: Lady, I don’t think you’re in any condition to be using magic.
The room was filled with brilliant light, leaving Rye blinded.
He blinked, trying to recover his vision, and he had the strangest sensation that he was falling.
SC276: Headfirst into a rock.
Shivering, Rye found himself standing in a forest.
JofY: ...Celestia's a dick!
It was dark, it was cold, and he had no idea what he was doing here.
JofY: Perhaps there should have been an actual transition.
The sky overhead was black, black as pitch, and there were no stars.
JofY: Is it as black as a sound, or as black as someone throwing a baseball?
A strange silverish light offered faint illumination, but Rye could not tell where the light was coming from. His body harness was gone, he had no guns, no means to defend himself.
JofY: Too bad he ain’t the species that can fight without any special machinery.
SC276: Or magic.
The trees were enormous, massive, and twisted. This forest was old, Rye could smell the scent of decaying wood and the sharp tang of forest loam beneath his hooves.
SC276: Maybe someone just needs to tell the author what semicolons are.
Fungal growths protruded from the trunks of the trees, extending like empty shelves.
SC276: That’s usually a sign they should’ve fallen over by now.
Rye looked around, trying to figure out where the faint silver light was coming from. There were no stars, there was no moon, the sky was as black as a funeral shroud.
JofY: Really? I mean it’s not like you said so ~7 sentences ago.
The trees had no leaves, they were withered, naked, the skeletal trees of autumn.
“Who dares to enter my realm?”
JofY: “How many times do I have to tell you people, I don’t need to find god, I am him!”
SC276: [Rye] “Um, pizza?”
The voice was cold, imperious, and regal.
SC276: Is Nightmare Moon actually involved now? I seriously doubt there’s anyone else that fits that criteria unless it’s another crap OC.
Hearing it made Rye shiver even harder. The voice echoed through the trees and the only other sound that Rye could hear was the sound of his own teeth chattering.
JofY: Then someone needs to fire the sound engineer.
His eyes darted to the left, then to the right, and his ears perked as he tried to discover the source of the sound.
JofY: His face had no idea what it’s motivation was.
“You do not have the magic to come here on your own… who might you be and why are you here?”
SC276: he was actually teleported by a sick alicorn who can’t even string sentences together are you freakin’ kidding me
JofY: [Celestia] “Aww… Did I accidentally send another pony to the dark death dimension? Great, now I need to find someone else to rescue my student.”
Muscles clenching, Rye Mash ground his teeth together, refusing to let them chatter for a second longer.
JofY: Because that kind of thing is a voluntary reaction.
He swallowed, summoning his courage,
JofY: Unfortunately, he selected the Knights of the Round and had to wait five minutes for it to be over.
but on the inside, he quailed as he felt his bowels turning to water.
Something about the voice was terrifying.
SC276: You mean besides coming from this story?
JofY: What? SC276, text can’t talk.
SC276: ...Wait, really?
JofY: Yeah. What? Did you forget we read words?
SC276: What, you’re not hearing it?
He started forwards, towards what he believed was the sound of the voice.
SC276: You’re going towards the scary thing without your security guns? Gheeze, no one in this universe has survival instinct.
His legs were stiff, difficult to move, and not from defiance.
SC276: They were from Pakistan.
His whole body felt frozen, not just from the temperature, but from sheer terror. It felt as though his balls were being crushed in an icy vice.
JofY: ~~Let it go! Let it g- *gets knocked unconscious*
His guts ached as his innards twisted around inside of him like writhing serpents.
SC276: Dude, if you’re gonna throw up, do it offscreen.
Ahead there was a pool of water that glowed with a silvery blue light.
JofY: Woo! Spring break!
He felt something grab him, something unseen, and he was dragged forwards, his hooves dragging through the rotting loam.
JofY: It was so evil, that it was dead.
He came to a halt at the edge of the pool, something grabbed his head, and he was forced to look down into the depths.
SC276: Author, you’re showing he’s just being puppeteered into the plot a little too literally now.
The water darkened, turning black, like spilled ink.
JofY: [Nightmare Moon] “Want to meet my pet octopus?”
Something swirled in the depths and then, blinking, two eyes appeared in the maelstrom of darkness. Two eyes, dark teal, with reptilian slitted pupils.
SC276: [Pinkie Pie] “IT’S NIGHTMARE MOON! EVERYPONY, RUN!”
JofY: oh my gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.
Black tendrils rose from the surface of the water, creeping towards Rye’s face. He tried to scream, but found he couldn’t.
One of the black tendrils curled around Rye’s muzzle, holding his head in place, while yet another began to worm its way into his nostril.
SC276: Well that’s one way to do tentacle rape...
The tip of another began to work its way into the corner of his eye,
JofY: I’m just going to take the interpretation that Nightmare Moon is honestly just trying to get off with Mash, but she just has no idea what she’s doing.
trying to squeeze in, and even though Rye Mash very much wanted to scream, he found that he could not, even when he could feel something slithering behind his eyeball and burrowing into his brain.
SC276: OK uh, I’m gonna just go watch Happy Tree Friends for a while; it’s less disturbing than this.
JofY: [Nightmare Moon] “*reading a book* ...So now I’m supposed to shove as many as I can into… the front lower hole?... Okay!”
There was a brilliant red flash that blinded Rye, he blinked, trying to recover his vision, and he crumpled into a heap beside the pool of darkness.
SC276: His numerous run-on sentences were finally catching up with him.
Whatever was trying to worm its way inside of his skull was now gone, but he couldn’t see what was going on.
“Don’t you touch him!”
JofY: [???] “Putting him a latex suit is clearly more erotic!”
[Mash] “Oh, come on.”
[??? + Nightmare] “We’re trying!”
Still blinking, still trying to clear his vision, Rye recognised the sound of Bloody Velvet’s voice. Somehow, she was here, and she meant business.
SC276: Oh, they’re in one of those astral projection things that she was mentioned to be capable of doing forever ago but didn’t show until now. Also, [Velvet] “UPLINK COMPLETE.”
He didn’t know what was going on, but he felt hopeful.
SC276: You are filled with deter- *slaps self* Huh, my body refuses to associate any positive aspects of Undertale with this story on reflex. Whatta ya know.
JofY: Honestly, I would have hurt you for the overused reference.
“I don’t know who or what you are,
SC276: [Velvet] “FACIAL ANALYSIS RESULTS: NO MATCHES.”
but you’ve made a terrible mistake…
JofY: [Velvet] “The arms aren’t correctly bound, the positioning is not humiliating...”
I’ll end you for this!” Bloody Velvet shrieked.
SC276: Yeah, have fun killing Nightmare Moon like three hundred years or something before she returns and gets rainbow’d.
A blast of heat washed over Rye, driving the cold from his body, and now he felt a bit singed.
JofY: [Mash] “~~Hello, my baby! Hello, my darling! Hello, my ragtime gal.~~”
The explosion did nothing to help his vision. He was blind, but he could hear.
SC276: Because the author is too lazy to write a proper battle scene.
He heard fizzles, pops, the sounds of magic, and heard the sounds of water splashing.
JofY: Rice Krispies!
He felt a curious sensation in his navel, as though something was tugging on him from the inside.
JofY: He’s preggers.
It was a bit uncomfortable at first, then it became a little painful, and then, without further ado, it became excruciating—Rye feared that he was about to be turned inside out.
SC276: OK, whoever managed to fire an agony beam into the fic from here, raise your hand now and I might not knock you out and steal it for personal use.
JofY: You do realize I’m going to have to dismantle it, right?
He tried to cry out in pain and couldn’t. He rolled over onto his back and felt something slither around his leg.
JofY: Nightmare Moon just apparently doesn’t care what Velvet has to say.
Something was dragging him, he was being pulled down the slope and he realised he was being pulled into the pool of darkness.
SC276: Gheeze, Nightmare Moon wants the D bad.
“NO!” Bloody Velvet commanded, her voice accompanied by a searing blast of heat.
Rye felt himself let go.
JofY: He gained 20 pounds in, like a week.
Confused, still blinded, he didn’t know what to do,
SC276: Well you should clearly continue being present, since that’s the only way the plot insists on happening.
but he tried crawling away from the pool before he was grabbed again. The tugging sensation inside of his navel grew in strength and Rye Mash endured the peculiar sensation that he imagined felt a lot like birth;
JofY: Oooh! One more fetish and I get bingo!
he could feel his body being pulled through a hole that seemed far too small.
SC276: No, that’s apparition.
Princess Celestia’s pale magenta eyes were boring a hole into him and Rye Mash found that he could not turn away. He was mesmerised, unable to move, scarcely even able to breathe, and his nose was pressed up against the alicorn’s graceful, but sweaty snoot.
SC276: Well if that thing from earlier wasn’t mind rape...
“Cerise Velvet… has… grown… powerful... she might… even be… the one… to restore… magic.” Princess Celestia’s panted words were hot and wet against Rye’s muzzle. “So… much… power… and… love… for… her… friends… she… might… be… the… one.”
SC276: No, author, the Matrix doesn’t explain any of this shit.
JofY: You’re doing the William Shatner impression wrong. It’s supposed to be pause, speak quickly, pause. Not, pause, pause, pause.
Whatever was holding Rye let go of him and he lifted his head, Princess Celestia’s eyes followed him, remaining locked upon him.
SC276: [Celestia] “What did you do with the key, kid…?!”
Try as he might, he found he could not look away from her gaze, but he did manage to take a step backwards.
JofY: Quick! Strafe!
Rye Mash, Rye Mash
SC276: ~-baker’s man, bake me a cake as fast as you can...~
blinked as he heard Princess Celestia’s voice inside of his head, coming from in between his ears.
JofY: It must have gone through his ears like most sounds do!
You must hurry. Find Stella before it is too late.
SC276: Now for the game we call “Did Ring forget to check the formatting or was the author just that stupid?” ...Aaaaand it’s Ring messing up. All these inner thoughts are supposed to be in italics. Also Ring left out the horizontal line rules.
JofY: Point goes to Kudzu.
I was right to trust in both you and Velvet. Go and speak to her, she will know more of what to do.
SC276: Go speak to this NPC to finish this quest objective.
Trust in your friends, Rye… friendship is a magic all its own…
SC276: And yet every single marriage in the world requires the guy getting drunk first.
JofY: ...If you think about it, does that just mean that Candace is the princess of getting drunk?
it might be our last defense against what is surely coming.
SC276: Well we haven’t hit the stupidity saturation point yet, I don’t think. I don’t think even our own friendly neighborhood robot is going to help with that.
With a gasp, Princess Celestia’s eyes rolled up into her head and she went still, her breathing becoming shallow. Rye stood there, silent, now free of whatever enchantment that had held him.
JofY: *pulls out a Scroll of Examination* ...A +5 to quickness apparently.
He was able to look around, and he saw Mousy staring at him, a fearful look upon her face.
JofY: She gained new fetishes that day.
Lowering his head, Rye Mash pressed his muzzle against Princess Celestia’s, a gesture of affection, hoping to get some response out of her.
JofY: [Mousy] “You slut!”
There was none. She lay there, limp, unresponsive, and Rye felt hot tears lurking in the corners of his eyes seeing her in this state.
SC276: She’s not dead, you idiot. She and Luna still have to do that brainwash thing in the future that Ring keeps telling me about.
After a moment, he pulled himself away, turned to look at Mousy, and then said, “I think I need to go and talk to Bloody Velvet.”
“Rye, are you okay?” As Bloody Velvet spoke, Rye felt himself snatched in powerful magic and jerked forwards.
SC276: Gheeze, lady, let him walk!
JofY: [Rye] “Don’t bind me!”
Bloody Velvet was shaking far worse than usual, and as he found himself being examined.
SC276: [Velvet] “RUNNING EXTERNAL DIAGNOSTICS....”
She looked into his eyes, gazed at his nose, checked his ears, and then rubbed her quivering, palsy afflicted cheek against his.
JofY: She’s paralyzed!?
“I’m fine,” Rye replied, “mind telling me what that was?”
SC276: [Velvet] “THAT WAS A SIMPLE TRACTOR BEAM SPELL-FUNCTION.”
“I’m not sure, it was like the astral realm but different.
SC276: [Velvet] “OH, UNIT-RYE WAS REFERRING TO THE DEAD FOREST LOCATION. UNIT-RYE SHOULD BE MORE SPECIFIC IN FUTURE INQUIRIES.”
I don’t know what that was.
JofY: “However, I did find some nice padding to keep warm at night.”
I just had the feeling that you were in danger and somehow, I knew where you were…
JofY: I think it’s called: B.S.
what were you doing there? How did you end up in that place?”
SC276: Best I can tell, Celestia tried to kill him by throwing him to Nightmare Moon. I fully endorse this plan.
Bloody Velvet stepped back from Rye and continued to examine him, looking him over, her face fearful. “Injuries in the astral realm can be so real inside the mind that they can pass over into this world.
JofY: It’s not like the body is a series of chemical reactions that would deny such a thing.
Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, really.” Rye took a deep breath. “I think Princess Celestia sent me there, I’m not sure what happened.
JofY: The fic has had so little action of late, that even the main character doesn’t know what it is!
She said some strange stuff and I don’t know what is going on.
SC276: What else is new?
I’m not a very magical unicorn and I don’t know anything about this sort of stuff. What was that black thing anyhow?”
JofY: Well, when a monster loves a human very much...
“I don’t know.” Bloody Velvet’s eyes narrowed and she shook her head. “I’ve never seen anything like it.
SC276: Are we at the point that the existence of Celestia’s sister became a myth everyone forgot? I forgot what the status of that was at the beginning of the series.
It’s strong, whatever it is, might even be stronger than I am… if we have to fight it again, we’re in trouble… I was only able to hurt it because I was so angry…
JofY: You and every other Sayan.
SC276: [Velvet] “UNIT-WOE INSTALLED GAMMA-HULK POWER MODULES INTO MY EMOTIONAL UNIT THE OTHER DAY.”
it was hurting you, Rye… I could see those… black… things digging their way into your head.”
SC276: And finding absolutely nothing.
JofY: “I just don’t get how that’s erotic!”
“Velvet, we need to hurry. She’s real sick. Something is horribly wrong.
JofY: Naw. Really?
SC276: Well let’s start with the fact no marriage in known history has had a sober groom...
Something is trying to escape or something, the ciphers I’ve cracked even said something to that effect. They foalnapped Stella because of her star magic.
SC276: I forgot if Celestia mentioned her student had a special brand of magic at the original meeting. If she didn’t, why didn’t she state the main reason the girl is a macguffin?
JofY: It’s an objective, of course it’s a macguffin. What? Do you also need to know the fact that student has the ability to breathe?
Do you think it was whatever was in that pool?”
JofY: Yes, it was liquified Stella.
“Might be, I don’t know. I don’t know enough about this sort of thing, but I know a pony who might. We need to make Starjammer talk somehow. He knows stuff.
SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT PERFORMED A SURFACE SCAN OF HIS BRAIN AND IS 99.9% CERTAIN UNIT-STARJAMMER HAS KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUBJECT.”
JofY: “He knows what numbers are! Clearly he knows everything!”
He’s scary smart and somehow, he knows stuff.”
SC276: Even the author can’t bother to come up with an excuse.
Bloody Velvet took a deep breath and began to try and calm down.
In the distance, the sun was setting, appearing to sink down into the ocean.
SC276: This time it actually was, given the princess is unconscious.
The first stars of evening began to twinkle.
JofY: Actually, those are just airplanes.
The wind kicked up and The Apogee bobbed in its mooring.
SC276: Why is the airship actually on the water again? Did the author forget they’re sky pirates?
The three ponies standing upon the deck exchanged a three way glance and then all three of them looked over at Princess Celestia’s ship.
“How do I fight something like that… thing?” Rye asked.
SC276: Well for starters, you’re going to need a cannon- oh you’re not talking about the thing you’re looking at?
“You can’t, Rye, you can’t.” Bloody Velvet shook her head. “You’re too weak. It will devour you.
SC276: Then why is the author still here?
I’m not sure if I could face it again, but I might have a better chance if Starjammer joined me. He’s strong, but he’s not experienced in astral projection.” The mare stood there, trembling, her Shivers causing her whole body to jerk and twitch.
SC276: Yeah, that’s kinda the whole thing that they do, is this ever going to be explained without reading the two-million-word sequel?
“Princess Celestia has some nerve doing what she did just to test us.”
SC276: [Celestia] “It’s called ‘mind control,’ sister. You act like this is a new thing.”
JofY: Yeah, blame the sick being that’s half-conscious.
“This is bigger than us, Velvet,” Mousy said, finally getting up enough nerve to interject something into the conversation. “Better we get tested now and survive than later when the danger is greater and fail.”
JofY: Tested? Tested for what? An STD?
Bloody Velvet’s ears perked forwards and she studied the earth pony that stood beside Rye. “You keep surprising me, Mousy.
JofY: ...Eh… Not explicit enough to be racist.
You keep this up, and I might find myself liking you.”
SC276: See it’s funny because Earth ponies are literally worth dirt in this setting-
Bloody Velvet gave Mousy a nervous smile. “I’m going to go and talk with Captain Spyglass. Something tells me that we need to leave in a hurry.
SC276: And yet you didn’t do this earlier?
Rye, don’t go wandering off, you and I need to have a long talk with Starjammer so we can sort all of this out.”
SC276: You’re going to need more than one talk to sort out this nonsense.
You have questions? I may or may not have answers!
SC276: Given you gave away the main ship of the story in the comments leagues before you took a break, I’m pretty sure you have answers to questions that don’t exist.
Shivering, Rye Mash opened his eyes.
JofY: Oh god! It’s everywhere! Why did he cut open his eyes!?!
He had been dreaming, but he could not remember what he had been dreaming about.
SC276: That’s kinda how it usually works, buddy.
He was cold, the air was chilly and he was sweating. He was in the top half of the bed, curled up, and Mousy was down at the foot of the bed, also curled up.
JofY: You had your ‘wife’ sleep on the floor?
SC276: You think they would’ve figured out the “adjacent” part by now...
She had stolen the blanket at some point in the night, made a nest, and was now asleep on top of it.
JofY: Keeping her eggs very warm.
For a moment, Rye Mash thought about cuddling up next to her so he could get warm. She was his wife now, it was supposed to be okay to do that sort of thing, but he didn’t feel comfortable about it for some reason.
SC276: Yeah, and that reason is “it’s freakin’ bullshit.”
His new cabin was smaller, narrower, a space made just for him and Mousy.
SC276: Getting a roommate requires a cabin with less space?
The interiour of The Apogee had been changed a fair bit to make it a bit more efficient as a living space.
JofY: You could live in it with 27% more accuracy!
There was a folding table on the wall, the bed, and one comfortable chair in the corner.
JofY: The other chairs were made out of spikes.
The room smelled of fresh cut wood, glue, and of Mousy’s perfume.
SC276: Since when has she had perfume?
Haunted by the eyes he had seen in the pool, Rye got out of bed, being careful not to disturb or wake Mousy from her sleep. He slipped away, making as little sound as possible, opened the door, stepped outside into the hallway, and decided that he needed some fresh night air.
JofY: Unfortunately the local high school band was saying in the ship that night and left their instruments in the hallway.
SC276: You decided you needed air after getting up and wandering.
Emerging up on deck, Rye Mash saw that he wasn’t alone.
JofY: God was with him.
SC276: Please, if God was watching, there’d be a lot more lightning.
Starjammer was sitting in the prow of the ship, staring off towards the starry horizon, the wind blowing his long, perfect mane around his face.
SC276: If the narration is turning into Cecil, I’m leaving.
JofY: But Starjammer isn’t a hot scientist.
Sniffing, Rye could smell whiskey, the strong heady scent of whiskey,
SC276: Stop repeating yourself!
and he felt his stomach turn just a little bit.
With the soft thump of his hooves striking the wooden deck, Rye walked forwards, glad to have somepony else awake at this time of night.
SC276: [Rye] “Makes surprise buttsex much easier!”
He felt apprehensive, nervous, he did not know why. He wondered why Starjammer was drinking. Was it thirst? Was he drowning his sorrows? What was he sad about? Had Celestia said something?
JofY: [Narration] “Was he drunk with Celestia? Did he sleep with Celestia? Is he married to Celestia?”
[Rye] “WHAT DID YOU DO TO CELESTIA!?”
[Starjammer] “*drops water* Huh?”
Rye even wondered if Starjammer was pining for him for whatever reason.
SC276: More likely, he’s pining for the fjords.
He felt very, very confused. Starjammer was more than a friend now, just like Mousy was more than an acquaintance.
JofY: They were BESTIES!!!
SC276: *house explodes into flames*
He and Starjammer had done a bit more than just share a confusing kiss. Rye did not know what was expected from him.
JofY: Even if he did expect the Spanish Inquisition.
He did not understand how their relationship had changed after what had happened.
JofY: He didn’t want to mess up the social link he had.
At that moment, Rye wanted to run away, not wanting to face the consequences or the changes that were sure to happen, but he found himself continuing towards Starjammer, as if drawn forward by some powerful invisible force.
SC276: Is this guy even capable of walking under his own power anymore with how much he’s been pulled around in the last three or so chapters alone?
“Can’t sleep?” Rye asked in a low voice, his ears perking as he heard the creaking of the ships around him.
“Woe Betide had a nightmare,” Starjammer replied in a rather put out voice, “and I was tossed from Bloody Velvet’s warm bed.”
JofY: Where’s your own?
SC276: Yeah, I’m not sure what that has to do with anything.
Standing there, Rye marveled at the sound of Starjammer’s voice. It wasn’t often that he said much. Starjammer sounded a bit tipsy, a bit angry, a bit sad, he sounded as though he was going to be a drunken mess soon enough.
“Can’t be mad at Woe.” Starjammer shook his head,
SC276: [Starjammer] “I’ve tried, but then she went off on some technobabble that actually managed to confuse me.”
his mane clinging to his cheeks, and then he took a long pull from the bottle of whiskey he was holding.
JofY: RUN! He’s going to try and become your wife!
“Or Velvet for that matter.”
SC276: [Starjammer] “Luckily I was disqualified from her experiment because I’ve already been mind-controlled.”
After scooting a little closer, Rye Mash sat down beside Starjammer, still not understanding their relationship, if they were friends, or how he should act.
JofY: He forgot his role as a clown in this scene.
He watched Starjammer take another drink and Rye felt a stabbing sensation inside of his skull. He planned to stick with tea from here on out.
SC276: WE ALREADY KNEW THAT, MOVE ON ALREADY!
“What did Princess Celestia talk to you about?” Rye asked, overcome by his own curiousity.
SC276: How did you miss that, author…?
He watched as Starjammer took another drink. He sat there, waiting for a reply, listening to the sounds of the faint crackle of the storm contained inside of the gasbag overhead. Soft ticking, the creaking of wood, and the wet slap of ocean waves down below. The salty smell of the ocean clung to his nostrils. The sharp smell of the whiskey filled Rye with a sense of regret. Rye’s senses were almost overwhelmed by everything.
JofY: You know, I don’t think text can be a pre-rendered cutscene.
SC276: Guy’s not much for quick answers, is he.
Starjammer said nothing and Rye felt both annoyed and worried. “Is it so hard to talk to me?” He reached out his hoof and prodded Starjammer in the side. “I don’t get you, sometimes. Why can’t you just talk to me?”
SC276: Because merely existing in this universe is pain?
“It’s so hard to know what to say, sometimes,” Starjammer replied. The unicorn took another pull on his whiskey bottle, belched, grimaced, and then turned his head to look Rye in the eye. “Princess Celestia and I talked for a while.
JofY: [Rye] “You slut!”
Idle chit chat. She talked, I listened. Then we talked about you. She wanted to know what sort of pony I thought you were. I told her that you are a capable, clever, cunning, cutthroat killer… it’s the cutie mark, Rye… there is only so much a pony can do with two pistols as a cutie mark.”
JofY: Yeah, there sure isn’t much that anyone could do with two guns. *cough*Revolver*cough*Ocelot*cough* …[Racist Moment: 4]
SC276: OK, he’s killed… what, five people? Still less kills than Spyglass would’ve needed to score to get the fearsome reputation he had at the start of the story.
Stunned, Rye sat there, blinking, shocked that Starjammer had said so much.
SC276: You asked him a question and he’s answering! Gheeze, man.
“She wanted her student safe… that’s what it all comes down to,” Starjammer continued, closing his eyes, and swaying from side to side. “She was worried if any of us might do something untoward with her student.”
JofY: Like touch her, try to make her ‘happy’, or say: “Hi.”
SC276: Given previous patterns, if anything untowards happens, she’s going to start it when she sees Rye.
“I see.” Rye watched as Starjammer’s eyes opened.
“I require a very specific type,”
JofY: [Rye] “No! Not you too!”
SC276: ~Never never never gonna speed again...~
Starjammer said, his voice somewhat slurred. “I am the proverbial damsel in distress.
JofY: Yes, the leader needs to be saved...
I am very feminine.
JofY: ...I was joking?
Ever since I was very, very small, I have wanted to be a filly.
JofY: Just so others don’t start bringing weapons directly to me: None of my jokes are meant to imply in any way that being transgender, transexual, or any other type of thing is itself bad. My aim is towards the fic and its characters. Not to sexual identities.
I’m in the wrong body, you see.
JofY: [Starjammer] “I’m actually supposed to be Brawny Man.”
I require a very specific type.”
JofY: Female, 276 pounds, type B- blood, 3’ 4”, can lift around 83 pounds, born somewhere north, works as a Starfleet commander...
SC276: Judging from auxiliary info, I… think this may be the stupid thing? I’m not sure. Same as JofY, I have no issues with any type of identity - just that given this author thinks that a universe where every marriage has to be made drunk is OK, someone that’s freakin’ transgender is not going to come out of this fine.
Starjammer took another long drink from the bottle, belched again, and wiped his muzzle with his foreleg.
JofY: Just in case you were doubtful on how feminine he was.
Rye Mash wondered what sort of hangover Starjammer was going to have.
SC276: Probably the painful sort.
“I like Bloody Velvet because she is very masculine. She takes charge. She is very domineering and commanding and she puts me in my place.
JofY: 5.0634 N. 30.1942 W.
I can relax my guard a little bit and be myself and I can be pretty.” Starjammer paused, blinking, batting his eyelashes. “I can be the damsel in distress and Bloody Velvet will oblige me. She knows what to do with damsels in distress.
JofY: [Rye] “*starts quickly inching away*”
She paddles them, she spanks them, and she punishes them for being weak willed spineless silly fillies… and I like it.”
SC276: I thought you were gay. Maybe you’re bi, I can live with that, I think we did that with your counterpart. The issue is that you seem to associate gayness with transsexuality…? I’ve seen arguments that it’s OK for someone to be trans just because, and I can’t argue with that, but it’s a sensitive subject right now and the author can’t even write cis characters.
Shocked, Rye tried not to imagine what Starjammer was describing, but it was too late.
JofY: Grandma! Why!?
He had a vivid mental image of Bloody Velvet working Starjammer over, dominating him, cowing him, and berating him for being an effeminate milksop. He also had a disturbing mental image of Starjammer enjoying it.
JofY: ...Am I going to have to create a separate sexsim counter?
“You rescued Woe Betide… you rescued a damsel in distress.
JofY: Unfortunately, Peach was in another castle.
You didn’t have to do it, I even encouraged you to walk away from the whole mess. But you did it. You rescued a filly in distress and you were the perfect gentlepony about it.” Starjammer shook his head and set his whiskey bottle down on the deck in front of him. “That’s not how you rescue a damsel, Rye… you are supposed to rescue a damsel and then rut them silly… that’s the fantasy.
JofY: How could you not have a massive orgy!? Shame on you!
SC276: I think everyone that argues that Peach objectifies women is going to be angry as fuck with this author. Also the opponents, because it’s this author.
You rescued Mousy too. Another damsel. You, you’re the damsel rescuing type, and me, I’m a damsel.
JofY: Has he ever been captured?
SC276: Well he’s in this fic...
I’m the bad little filly that can’t stay out of trouble and wants to be foalnapped, because I want the bad guy to do bad things to me and then I want my rescuer to do even worse things to me. I can only cum when I’m held down and roughed up.”
JofY: [Rye] “WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!?”
SC276: [Rye] “I mean, it’s hot as hell, but still!” Also, so this guy’s into being dominated, feminized, and possibly humiliated by masculine-feeling partners. ...I don’t have a problem with that. But I don’t want to hear about it coming from this author, who apparently thinks the only hole for the insertion of the penis is the ass of a child.
“And now, I am going off to rescue another damsel,” Rye said.
Starjammer nodded, lifted up his bottle of whiskey, and then chugged down the rest of the contents. He blinked a few times at Rye, giving the unicorn beside him a drunken stare, and then leaned closer to Rye. “You make me feel like a dirty, dirty mare.
JofY: Even if he’s taking a bath.
SC276: How long before he gets hitched?
You make me wish that I had mare parts for you to stretch out and abuse.” Starjammer let out a sour smelling belch right in Rye’s face, hiccuped once, gave Rye one very sloppy, slobbery, loose lipped drunken kiss, pulled away, rose, and then Starjammer sauntered away, leaving behind one very flustered Rye.
JofY: [Rye] “Starjammer-sempi…”
SC276: There is no way that was one breath.
“Starjammer, wait,” Rye said as his friend walked away. “You could come to bed with Mousy and I if you don’t want to be alone. I don’t think she’d mind.”
JofY: He’s finally trying to start a harem!
“Nope,” Starjammer replied, shaking his head. “You’d try to shag me gently, out of pity, and that’d ruin our relationship. I’d ruin our relationship. I get angry when I can’t cum.”
JofY: Ehhh… I think there are people who have that problem.
SC276: Dude, what you need is a relationship where both sides understand it’s purely about the sex and satisfying each other in a way you’re both comfortable. But given this author insists of everything being the same, that’s not what’s going to happen.
Not knowing how to reply, Rye watched as Starjammer disappeared belowdecks, leaving him all alone with nothing but the stars for company.
JofY: Finally glad to be unjammed.
SC276: So, who’s going to be best man at the wedding?
Shivering, confused, Rye decided to go back to bed, even if it meant waking up Mousy to get his blanket back.
“I’m sorry,” Mousy whispered into Rye’s ear as she snuggled up beside him. “But you know, if you had just cuddled with me when we got into bed, I might not have stole your blanket.”
JofY: [Rye] “Like I would want to be close to you!... Baka.”
Some of Rye’s shivers became quivers as Mousy moved against him.
SC276: Being a chaste hardass does not become you, buddy.
She was touching, him, rubbing him with her legs, he could feel the heat of her belly against his hip and his thigh. He could feel other things too.
JofY: His gun, the TV, some cold medicine, and a MassageMaster™.
SC276: The screams of the readers...
Soft things that were quite warm against his cold flesh. He thought about Starjammer, feeling confused, not knowing how to react to everything he had just heard.
JofY: If only the director gave him some direction!
SC276: You didn’t think to think about it while on your way back down?
He felt confused, overwhelmed, his mind was full of far too many thoughts to deal with.
SC276: That’s your brain struggling to realize that this universe is crap.
He snuggled up a bit closer to Mousy beneath the blanket that they both now shared, glad to have another pony in his bed with him, even if the bed was too narrow and space was cramped.
JofY: Living efficiency!
He could feel her breathing, he could feel her body moving against him. While it was just a little arousing, it was more comforting than anything else.
“Is something wrong?” Mousy asked.
SC276: You need to ask?
“Yeah,” Rye replied, breathing out the word.
“Up for a little pillow talk?” Mousy slid her hoof down Rye’s barrel and over his stomach,
SC276: Then she picked him up and threw him like a gorilla.
coming to stop over his navel.
“This whole thing with Princess Celestia has me scared.
JofY: What? A leader of an empire goes to your group with an important mission, before falling unconscious due to some unknown illness?
SC276: Certainly the least stressful of all possible situations!
Starjammer just gave me an earful.
JofY: Oh. He’s the one taking all the ears.
I just found out something horrible about my friend, Velvet.”
JofY: She’s a dominatrix.
SC276: What, exactly, is that again? Seriously, she saved you from Nightmare Moon’s leaking power, and all I remember her telling you is that you can’t handle it.
Rye paused for a moment as Mousy’s hoof traced a circle over his stomach, causing tingles to rush up and down his spine.
JofY: I wonder what happens if she traces an octagon...
“There is a lot going on.”
SC276: I’d like to know what the kangaroo’s doing right now.
“It’s exciting… I get to have an adventure… this is going to be great.” Mousy took a deep breath, sighed, and then nuzzled her muzzle along Rye’s neck. “I like this… just this. This is nice.”
SC276: I’m loving that Fumble already split from this plot forever ago.
Rye had to admit, this was nice. The feeling of somepony close. A warm body in the bed. He could get used to this. “Mousy, about us… where does Starjammer fit in with us?” He heard Mousy inhale and he felt her barrel swelling beside him.
SC276: It’s called a “chest,” author.
“I’m a selfish little bint, I am. If I ever catch you with another mare and I don’t know about it, I’ll geld ya while you’re sleeping.”
JofY: She’s turning Scottish!
SC276: One, I can’t believe “bint” is an actual word. Two, at what point did you learn that Starjammer is transgender? Three, that doesn’t actually answer his question.
Mousy continued to nuzzle Rye’s neck as she spoke. “Now, with Starjammer, that’s different. I don’t mind sharing you with him. Or maybe even another mare, if I like her enough. Just don’t ever try to hide it. Don’t be a bastard about it and I won’t go off and cheat on you.”
SC276: ...See, this is why we need to better indicate where the paragraph continues, because now I look like a complete moron.
“That seems fair,” Rye replied. “Mousy, if you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit uptight.”
JofY: He only has the most elite of fetishes.
“I know.” Mousy’s hoof slid lower down Rye’s belly and she giggled as Rye tensed.
SC276: Your misery brings her pleasure.
Squirming, Rye felt Mousy giving him a teasing tickle. “I have no plans to cheat on you, I’ll be honest… but Starjammer… he’s… I don’t know—”
JofY: [Rye] “He’s… flaming… No, seriously! Get the fire extinguisher! We need to save the ship!”
“You like him. That’s fine. I like watching. You were so… rough with him. It gave me the shivers. Rough but gentle.”
SC276: How does that even work?
JofY: Now that I think about it, Rye also woke up with Starjammer and Bloody Velvet. Why isn’t he also married now to those two?
Mousy took a deep breath. “You didn’t really hurt him. I was surprised about that.
JofY: [Mousy] “I mean, I wanted you to beat me up but…”
He’s a bit of a confused sort, ain’t he?”
“He is… I like him a lot… but I can’t make sense of him. He says he wants to be a mare.
JofY: Technically, he said he wanted to be a filly.
SC276: Hey, buddy. It’s up to him- er, her to decide who knows and who doesn’t. You’re being a freakin’ jerk right now.
Why would a stallion want to be a mare?”
SC276: I don’t know, why would a pegasus with a telescope stabbed into his skull want to be a pirate?
Rye’s whole body trembled as Mousy’s fetlock slid back and forth over the soft, wrinkled flesh of his scrotum.
SC276: Bad touch, bad touch!
“I don’t know,” Mousy replied, “But you made him feel like a mare, and I suppose that’s important to him.” Mousy yawned and squeezed Rye’s leg between her thighs. “Get some sleep, Rye. We’re probably going to have a long day tomorrow…”
SC276: Every day in this fic feels like it takes forever.
And things got weird...
JofY: Things were already weird.
SC276: Dude, have you looked at the last like four chapters you’ve written? I don’t know why you consider adding a trans a qualifier as weird when your cast includes a sentient kangaroo in pony world where animals like a bear are plain animals.
Sable Blanc shrank in the distance as both The Whalefish and The Apogee headed inland, off to do their first task. Off in the distant mountains, where the borders of Fancy and a diamond dog kingdom were located, there was a city called Alpin, and sitting on top of the mountain above the city of Alpin, was the Château de la Roche.
JofY: And inside of that lead to a tunnel that exited out into a forest that could have you ending up in…
SC276: I’ve already forgotten why they’re going there. Also, is Fancy the diamond dog kingdom, or…?
Word had it that the castle was full of slavers who specialised in the trade of earth ponies and sometimes, pegasus ponies, with unicorns being far too much trouble to mess with.
JofY: Yeah. It’s too bad for them that the unicorns are the master race. [Racist Moment: 5]
SC276: Of course there’s fucking slavers.
At least, that is what the intelligence said.
In Château de la Roche, they would find a certain Docteur Lapin, somebody of interest.
SC276: “Somepony of interest,” ya freakin’ moron.
Princess Celestia had not made it clear who or what the doctor was, which bothered Captain Spyglass to no end.
SC276: [Celestia] “He has a hat. That’s all I got.”
As for how to get the doctor out of the castle, they were still forming a plan, and that plan involved Bloody Velvet, Starjammer, and Rye Mash committing a spree of murder and violence.
JofY: ...Or you could just ask him to meet you outside.
It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was a plan.
JofY: It’s not like they need to have any sort of target or goal or anything, it’s just if they murder a bunch he’ll appear out of thin air.
SC276: Like treasure chests in Zelda that appear when you kill all the enemies in the room. Plus it involves the death of possibly hundreds, but that’s OK because slavers do not have souls.
The doctor had information on Stella Scintilla and securing him was their top priority.
SC276: I’m sure Velvet has that speak-to-dead spell from D&D or something. Although yeah, if the guy who knows anything about the macguffin’s whereabouts is in the company of slavers, that would suggest that the slavers are part of Inky’s entourage, and isn’t that just perfect. It’s like all the enemies in a shooter being zombies.
Rye, unsettled about the whole thing, was uncomfortable with his role—he was the weakest unicorn around when compared to Starjammer and Bloody Velvet, who were titans of magic.
SC276: You’ve got higher in-fic kill counts than both of them.
Even Woe Betide was showing more magical aptitude than he was and she was a foal.
SC276: [Woe] “That is because I’m a filly prodigy, and you are a sex-obsessed gun-toting dolt with delusions of grandeur.”
He wasn’t sure what he could bring to the table in an all out assault upon a fortified location, other than shooting their enemies a whole bunch of times.
SC276: That’s what being part of a team is for, dipstick.
He hoped that what he could do would be enough.
It was one thing to fly into a storm, but it was a whole different thing entirely to fly into such an uncertain future.
JofY: And they weren’t pegasi.
Nopony quite knew what they were getting into or the horrors that awaited them.
SC276: [Celestia] “You’d think I could mind-control me up a map of the place, but noooo.”
“Try harder!” Bloody Velvet’s voice was commanding, but also held a quaver of pain.
JofY: Say fic, you want to establish where they actually are first?
Her sides spasmed and her right hind leg wouldn’t stop twitching.
JofY: No? Okay, we’ll just assume the worst.
“Woe, you need to focus! Stop slacking off!”
JofY: They’re bringing the other child into this!?
Scowling, her lips pressing together, Woe Betide squinted her eyes and
JofY: You’re really doing this!?
stared at the padlock she was trying to unlock.
JofY: Oh… Sorry.
She had the lockpicks held in her telekinesis and she struggled to get a feel for what she was doing. She could feel the tumblers moving inside. She gave the probe a little wiggle and ignored Bloody Velvet. These things took time.
JofY: 5 seconds.
SC276: [Woe] “And why isn’t Mousy the one teaching me something she’s done a hundred times again?”
Bloody Velvet’s distractions were a good thing, as Woe understood that there would be lots of distractions if she was trying to do this under fire.
Meanwhile, Oola Roo was trying to show Rye the basics for using a sword, and Rye was mimicking her movements as he held his hanger sword, gifted to him by Princess Celestia, in his telekinesis.
JofY: Thinking about it, I really can’t see how well unicorns could use swords. I mean, they have to focus directly on their sword to use it, the handle is useless, and most cutting and stabbing requires some sort of weight or force.
SC276: I read a fic where Rarity got a pair of blades made for use by a unicorn by this method. There are other things I’m questioning. Namely, why does a kangaroo with her short arms know how to use a sword, when did Celestia give him a sword, and why did Celestia insist on Rye bringing a sword to a gunfight?
JofY: SC276, I mentioned this last time. You don’t bring a gun to a swordfight.
The sword, suitable for both slashing and stabbing, was a well balanced weapon and Rye found that he quite liked it.
As Rye and Oola practiced sword fighting, both Mousy and Starjammer sat together on the deck, enjoying the sight of Rye and his fancy hoofwork.
SC276: Well the whole gang’s here, isn’t it.
Starjammer was watching with rapt interest, his eyes darting to and fro as Rye avoided Oola’s punishing attacks, and Mousy watched with a pleased smile.
“This is good fun, ain’t it?” Mousy slipped her question into Starjammer’s ear, her lips tickling him and causing his ear to twitch.
JofY: Right in front of everyone? Really?
SC276: Don’t you guys have work to do on the pirate ship?
“What’s your favourite part? Me… I like those legs of his… look at the way he moves.”
SC276: Does he move like Jagger?
“Hmm,” Starjammer replied in a thoughtful hum, “that perky, perfect plot of his.”
SC276: Someone on 4chan, I think.
“Oh sure, go right for the garden and the potatoes,”
JofY: ...Heaven forbid you go for the tomatoes… The hell?
SC276: ...I’m not getting any responses on Google. The heck is she talking about?
Mousy said as she let out a faux haughty sniff. She turned up her nose at Starjammer. “He’s more than a nice arse and a potato sack, you know.
JofY: He’s also some lettuce.
SC276: Did you honestly compare someone’s ass to a garden- oh, because garden plot. Fuck you.
He has a handsome enough face too.”
Starjammer shrugged, said nothing, but gave Mousy a lewd grin as he licked his teeth. Mousy, unable to maintain her theatrical irritation, broke down into fillyish giggling.
JofY: They’re being gassed!
“I want to look down and see that face of his between my legs.” Mousy’s perverse words were acknowledged with a loud snort from Starjammer.
JofY: Sex is hilarious.
SC276: Yeah, sure, now that you’re married and gotten it in the ass by a drunk, your perspective on sex has completely changed. And let me guess, it’s the exact same for every other married couple in the world.
Hearing laughter, Woe redoubled her efforts and moved the probe around, feeling for the little click when the tumbler moved to just the right spot.
SC276: I’ve been on Tumblr long enough that that feels misspelled.
She was rewarded with a soft, faint click as the last tumbler slid into place. She turned the mechanism and the padlock popped open.
JofY: Great! You’ve successfully opened the kind of lock I use on my suitcase.
“Say, that’s pretty good,” Bloody Velvet said to Woe as she locked the padlock. “Now do it again. And again. And then again,
JofY: Are we sure the fic isn’t corrupted in any way? It keeps repeating.
SC276: And again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again-
until you can open the thing up in seconds.
SC276: [Velvet] “GO FOR THE BEST TIME.”
[Woe] “Did someone install video games on you again?!”
Sighing, Woe Betide resigned herself to an afternoon of picking locks.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve been off by yourself a fair bit.” Rye Mash looked at Skeeter, his expression one of concern, and he tried to understand his pegasus friend.
SC276: Oh right, this guy. He got half a Chesire in the third chapter, got rescued by Rye, and is now his bodyguard which he still totally needs at this point.
JofY: ...Wait a bodyguard? Where has he been the past two parts where Rye could have been ambushed by thugs in the street, or captured by Celestia’s guards or the like?
SC276: Presumably in narrative limbo, which is where I wish I’ve been when these stories come up.
“Are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” Skeeter replied. The pegasus struggled to smile. His face was still healing, but was getting better every day.
SC276: So, the exact opposite of this story.
“I just… I’ve had a lot to think about. We’re doing more than I had intended. More than I had signed on for.”
SC276: Dealing with rescue bullshit and Rye Mash was not in his job description.
“The rescue?” Rye asked.
“No, everything… I… I knew things would be dangerous when I signed on. I sort of understood what I was getting myself into.
SC276: [Skeeter] “I mean, we attack ships crewed by winged creatures with sharp talons for forehooves in the middle of the sky. ‘Danger’ is kind of built in.”
But the reality of it… getting my face all messed up.” The pegasus paused and contemplated his own words. “I’m just a pegasus who likes flying fast. I just wanted to make a few bits. I wanted to see the world. This is more than I bargained for.”
SC276: You’re getting hung up about your face getting cut… twenty-nine chapters after it happened? Gheeze, ya freakin’ baby.
“You can still leave before we’re in deep trouble.” Rye looked at his friend, trying to read him, trying to understand him, trying to figure out what the pegasus wanted.
SC276: And failing miserably.
“I have no intentions of leaving. At least, not yet. You’re my friend. And that means something.
SC276: [Skeeter] “Namely, escape from the fic is impossible.”
I’m poor, Rye, but I have loyalty. That’s worth a king’s ransom.”
SC276: What does your individual wealth level have to do with the current situation?
“So it is.” Rye nodded his head. “I’m going to fix tea.
JofY: Tea really has some loose wires.
SC276: Also spade and neuter it.
You should join me. Stop brooding and spend some time with me.”
SC276: [Rye] “Your turn for the social link.”
Skeeter heaved a sigh and looked at his friend. “Well, if you insist…”
Staring up at the stars,
JofY: ...It was mid-day a few paragraphs before.
Rye Mash came to the unsettling conclusion that he was going to miss these idyllic times.
JofY: He was going to miss these times of foreboding horrors, sexual crises, and pretentious philosophy.
In but a short time, there was going to be a whole lot of bloodshed. Part of him was excited, but a part of him worried too. He always felt bad after being violent, conflicted somehow, like something inside of him was torn apart.
JofY: Could it possibly be that violence may be wrong?
SC276: Nah, just the author trying to create unnecessary dramatic tension that doesn’t work because the story sucks.
There was too much on his mind.
JofY: Like his skull and scalp.
He kept thinking about the horrible black thing he had seen in the dream,
JofY: ...Too easy.
the violence that awaited him, and Skeeter’s seeming doubt. Skeeter had done his best to reassure him, but Rye knew that the pegasus was having some trouble going ahead. Bloody Velvet and Starjammer, they were fine with what was soon to happen. Starjammer seemed perfectly fine with killing.
JofY: *looks up not even half a chapter* ...Really?
Bloody Velvet was known as Bloody Velvet for a reason.
JofY: And man, those cakes were to die for.
Oola was along for a good time,
SC276: But she’s only gonna have a bad time- *dunk’d*
and she was looking forward to a tussle.
But Skeeter… Rye worried for his friend. Skeeter had spoke a great deal about loyalty over tea.
JofY: Loyalty under tea can suck it.
SC276: If he sucks at battle, why is he a bodyguard?!
Rye realised while sipping tea just how lucky he was to have a loyal friend.
SC276: I think this is the first time you’ve talked since, like, the beginning of the fic.
Rye worried, fretted, wondering if he could somehow keep Skeeter out of the worst of the violence. But Skeeter was assigned to be his bodyguard. This presented a bit of a dilemma for Rye, who had come to the understanding that Skeeter was not like the rest of them.
JofY: Skeeter forgot his character development.
With that realisation, Rye realised that he was no longer like Skeeter—Rye was, indeed, becoming a cold blooded murderous bastard. At some point, something inside of him had shifted, changed, and he was becoming something else. And after the big fight ahead, Rye wondered what he would become.SC276: Well, not a better character, that’s for sure.
“When I was just a little filly, I asked my mother, ‘What will I be… will I be pretty will I be rich?’ Here's what she said to me, ‘Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera, what will be, will be.’”
JofY: Wait… Repeating words, narrating dialogue, and lyrical phrasing?... Oh crap! They’re going to start singing!
SC276: ~Yar har, fiddle di dee / Being a pirate is alright with me! / Do what you like ‘cause a pirate is free / You are a pirate!~
Rye Mash’s ears perked at the sounds of Mousy’s voice. He turned and looked at her. She was standing on the deck, the wind whipping her mane and her tail off to one side, looking at him with wide eyes filled with mirth and laughter.
“Hey, Mousy… I was just out here thinking.”
“It’s past midnight, Rye.
JofY: [Mousy] “Don’t you know not to think after midnight!?”
SC276: That’d honestly be a better story.
Most ponies have gone to bed. I was thinking about turning in myself. But the bed is empty.” Mousy sashayed forwards, almost mimicking Starjammer’s own hip swaying sashay. She came over to Rye’s side and came to a halt, standing beside him.
SC276: Why do we have to be subjected to this scene?
“I was just out here, thinking,” Rye said to Mousy.
SC276: You already said that! Move on already!
“You know, a heavy burden is easier when two carry it.” Mousy turned her head and looked at Rye, who was a fair bit taller than her, but she was stockier than him by far. “I’m an earth pony… I don’t mind something a little heavy on my back.”
JofY: Wait, you mean, there could be a benefit to being an Earth Pony?
Hearing Mousy’s words, Rye flushed, feeling hot and flustered.
SC276: I think his brain’s starting to overclock.
“You know, you can share your problems with me, Rye.” Mousy blinked and a powerful gust of wind tugged upon her ears. “You can tell me anything, anything at all. I’ve decided to be as open minded as possible with all things concerning you.
SC276: [Mousy] “It’s pretty much the only way to not go completely insane.”
JofY: [Mousy] “Just tell me your fetish!”
Sharing you with Starjammer has already worked out for the best… I now have a wonderful friend that I am starting to adore a great deal.”
Now, Rye felt even more hot and flustered and the chilly breeze did nothing. He looked off at the stars. “I’m worried that there is going to be lots of killing.
JofY: “Hey guys, let’s kill to get to this one dude. *later* I think killing will happen.” Gee. I wonder what’s making you think that Rye.
SC276: Sucker’s. Bet.
I’m worried about what it will do to me. Every time I kill something, or somepony, it gets a little easier and I kinda get in a funk afterwards. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m changing, and I’m not sure if it is for the better.”
JofY: Well, we all change in unexpected ways as we grow older.
SC276: Can you change into a better story?
“Hmm,” Mousy hummed. “Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera, what will be, will be.”
“What does that even mean, anyway?” Rye asked.
“I have no idea, but it’s pretty,” Mousy replied.
JofY: [Rye] “So, I have legitimate concerns about my future and sanity, and you prattle off some nonsense you don’t even know?”
“I think the future just sort of happens. I don’t know if we can change it.
JofY: Technically, unless one has the ability to go back in time, or can see reliable visions of the future, the future isn’t something that has definite value i.e. something that can be changed.
SC276: I means I can rewatch “It’s About Time,” and I’ll have a better time getting the same lesson.
Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. You’re probably going to shoot a lot of things that deserve it.
JofY: You mean beings?
You might shoot something that doesn’t deserve it.
JofY: Why aren’t you calling the ones that you are going to shoot beings!? Is it that they’re only going to shoot non-sentient objects? You know what, [Racist Moment: 6]. I’ll retract it if they only ever shoot non-living things, but if they do, then this counts!
SC276: Wouldn’t it be freakin’ hilarious if he shot the person they’re going to extract?
Things are going to happen. We can’t stop them, we can only be patient and wait them out as they happen.”
“I think I’m afraid of changing.”
JofY: Didn’t we already have this scene?
SC276: Probably, I’ve already forgotten most of the details.
Rye felt Mousy press up against his side and she shivered against him. As the night continued, the air grew colder.
SC276: It was already past midnight when this scene started. How much colder could it get?
“Change happens.” Mousy leaned her head against Rye’s neck, just below his jaw. He was warm.
JofY: Well, at least the space heater is working.
He smelled of gunpowder, oil, leather, and fragrant tea. It was a smell that Mousy was starting to associate with safety, comfort, and sexual attraction.
JofY: Though, not with respect to the previous list.
SC276: So now we’re from Mousy’s POV even though the entire fic so far was from Rye’s.
She tucked her tail down between her legs to protect herself from the wind—the sudden dampness she had made the wind that much colder when it tickled her nether regions.
JofY: Hey, did someone order all of these horns?
Right now, she could only think about one way to get warm.
SC276: Three bucks says it’s not just cuddling.
“But is it a change for the better?”
SC276: ~Who can say if I have changed for the better…?~
Rye shook his head, inhaled, and filled his lungs with cold night air. Overhead, the stars twinkled and off to the south, the night sky was purple from the light of a distant city.
JofY: I didn’t think flames could be that bright. Or are you saying that Diamond Dogs know how to use electricity?
“See, now that you’re here, it makes things more difficult.
JofY: [Rye] “Do we really need to go shoe shopping when we’re under fire?”
I want to be a good husband. I want to do things right.”
SC276: So why didn’t you quit being a pirate?!
“Just be good to me, Rye, and everypony else can feck off. I understand that you are a pirate—”
“Privateer,” Rye corrected.
“—and with being a pirate,
JofY: Even the fic will admit that yes, Rye is a pirate.
SC276: ~We’ve got us a map (a map!)...~
you are bound to do some questionable, despicable acts. And I say, do them.
JofY: What’s this law you speak of?
Just do them to the right ponies…. griffons… minotaurs… whoever. I don’t care.
JofY: Yeah, uh, since you actually did miss it, RYE IS AFRAID OF KILLING THE WRONG ONES! I’m sorry for using caps but, my god! Take a hint!
Just help the innocent, protect those that can’t protect themselves, and I don’t care who you kill or what sort of bloodbath you cause.
JofY: ...So, kill everyone so no one can die?
SC276: Fight, Mega Man, for everlasting peace!
A wife must be understanding when she marries a pirate and she can’t afford to be picky,
JofY: Can’t be picky? You get a husband at random the first time you get drunk! You don’t get to pick.
SC276: Actually, she got picked at random when the husband gets drunk, because god forbid ladies drink alcohol.
just so long as the bills are paid and there is food to eat.”
SC276: What bills? They’re pirates!
“We don’t have bills.”
SC276: Stop repeating me!
JofY: ...Stop repeating me!
“You know what I mean.”
“I’m worried that killing will leave me cold—”
SC276: -dead on the hard cold ground? Or something?
“Well then, I shall have to keep you warm and make you care about things.”
“I don’t think it will be that easy.” Rye shook his head.
SC276: That’s what happens when you try to undo thirty-two chapters of suck.
“Well then, it is up to me to make sure my feminine wiles are up for the job.”
JofY: ...So, all he’s going to care about is getting laid?... I don’t see any unintended side effects.
SC276: I get the idea that she’s going to serve as a morality pet - maybe morality chain depending on how severe it is - but the way it’s presented is almost insulting.
An unwilling smile broke over Rye’s muzzle like an ocean wave over a rock. He felt a warm, fuzzy feeling of affection for the earth pony beside him. Somehow, she had made him feel better.
SC276: That’s what pep talks are supposed to, buddy.
The trouble ahead no longer was quite so worrisome.
SC276: You, your girl, the trans, and the robot survive long enough to have children, which we know because the author blabbed the heckie out of it apparently. The only reason we have to worry is whether or not you die as soon as possible after you have kids.
JofY: Hey, don’t use the term robot. We barely know Skeeter.
SC276: ...Moving on.
He felt calmer. More leveled out. He felt sleepy, and he felt as though his mind would be quiet enough for him to sleep.
“Come, little mare. Let us go to bed.”
I'm going to try and get out new chapters on Saturdays.
JofY: And this, has been The Catch, Part Six. And, I kind of like it. Yeah, it’s starting to become a guilty pleasure for me. I mean, seriously, I’m convinced right now that Kudzu is actually one of the Wachowski’s horny sons with how philosophical and repetitive everything is. Hell, I’m not even mad about elements like Starjammer being trans or any of the other fetishes the rest of the ship is into. Besides, I’m not here to get angry over some shmo’s attempts at preaching their views of the world. I’m here to mock them. Wadda bout the rest of you?
SC276: Well I suppose I don’t have as much outright outrage to say about this bunch of chapters - not compared to the rushed nonsense last bit. I mean, comparing marriage to claiming land without mentioning harems at least was crap… and the apparent association between being non-normative in gender and/or sexual orientation and apparently a feminization fetish was misguided, I don’t even know… and claiming that Earth ponies are barely worth the dirt they’re named for even in a mostly airborne setting was stupid… Oh yeah, and according to Ring, the whole scene with Nightmare Moon was actually a test for Velvet to see if she could wield the Element of Magic. Even though before the start of the series, there’s no evidence anyone knew the Element of Magic even existed. I missed that in the riff itself because I couldn’t possibly care less. And that’s on top of the fact that Princess Celestia used mind-projection or whatever it was but most certainly involuntary on a bystander - a bystander that she needs and actually came to this port specifically for - and almost got his soul eaten or whatever by Nightmare Moon, just to test this girl who may or may not have even noticed whatever astral realm that was. If literally anything went wrong, he would be dead and her student would be SOL. I came up with that interpretation of Celestia as a joke, but I may have been surprisingly accurate - she literally does not give a shit about anything.
RingmasterJ5: Fallen has company over and I need to get back to the GW2 beta, so I’ll just make this quick: The winner of the poll is a terrible 9K-word fic about Rainbow Dash and a self-insert human having feelings for each other. It’s what you guys voted for for… some reason. Without further ado, “An Evening With A Pegasus” by Naviskypegasus.
Crazy56U: Damn it, guys, the obvious choice was staring you in the face, and you pick this anyway?! Seriously! “Trixieverse”! C’mon! I did NOT vote for pony-on-human action! ...I seriously just typed that!
JofY: Oh, come on Crazy. This is classic schlock. Besides, we’ve been doing so many action/adventure type stories that, it’s time to shake things up.
Crazy56U: That is not an excuse, that is never an excuse!
CaptainPipsqueak; Oh shush; there’s always next week.
ToonGuy: And we’re off to a great start already! *pulls out large piece of balsa wood* Just for anyone who wants to headbutt something out of anger.
MrSing: Human on pony action is part of the ancient tradition of riffing. I said ancient, not proud.
SC276: As long as it doesn’t include Slenderman again, I’ll be fine.
CaptainPipsqueak: [Slenderman] “Hey; fuck you too, buddy!”
JofY: Oi! If we were to do another fic that included Slenderman, then we’d start to be the ones who don’t riff MLP fics, but Slenderman fics. We need some variety here!
Mononeko: All right, first riff Let’s rip this thing apart...
Chapter One: A Pegasus In Trouble
JofY: And prepare to make it double!
Scarlet: To protect the world from- what, we aren’t doing the full bit this time? Awww…
Crazy56U: Rainbow’s gambling debts have caught up to her big time.
ToonGuy: She was being chased by pegasi with baseball bats.
SC276: Huzzah! How many points have I received?!
This is the first story I wrote that marks the beginning of my Human X Rainbow Dash Fan Fiction lure.
Crazy56U: You made this story as a lure? ...that’s not how that works!
ToonGuy: Perhaps it’s meant to indicate that it’s a sting operation by the Moral Decency Police.
SC276: Great, you’re planning more?
MrSing: I think fish are more interested in the action comedy genre.
Scarlet: Yeah, the Deep Ones are often known for their love of Jackie Chan films.
Taking place three weeks before my one shot.
JofY: This, is a two shot.
Crazy56U: Oh, great, it’s bad enough we’re doing this, we’re doing this out of order as well! We’re going to be so lost!
Mononeko: Oh, don’t act like you’re interested in the plot anyway.
ToonGuy: I have a GOOD feeling about today.
MrSing: It’s always a good sign when the author doesn’t know the meaning of words. It means he can’t read our jokes and get mad.
Pegasi In The Sky
CaptainPipsqueak: As opposed to underwater. Which is good, because pegasi can’t swim worth shit.
MrSing: I can go twice as high. Take a pic, it’s in a fic. The riffing rainbow.
Scarlet: ~Weeeee will read anything~
CaptainPipsqueak: ~And then regret/the goal we set/Riffing Rainbow~
SC276: With diamonds?
story. And five weeks before the Dash's Day story.
Crazy56U: “And about ten days after my bout of diarrhea. Remarkably, I got a lot of
writing done during it!”
CaptainPipsqueak: “Once all the shit was out of me, I put it in my story!”
ToonGuy: Considering the nature of this story, that brings up terrible images.
SC276: Tell me this guy at least has a journal giving an objective timeline, otherwise I’m not sure why he bothered.
Mononeko: I think you’re giving this guy too much credit.
Please excuse all the overuses of words/over explanations, as I was just learning at the time. (and still are)
JofY: At least he admits it.
Scarlet: “I are still learning.”
CaptainPipsqueak: “It am difficult, but me doing my bestest.”
Crazy56U: You clearly need to go back to school, then. Taking more time to learn is
not a bad thing here.
I would fix it but I wanted to keep my original idea intact.
JofY: That’s no reason for bad grammar.
Crazy56U: “Also, I can’t be bothered, fuck you.”
ToonGuy: Isn’t that a bit like a builder keeping a really shit house up that could kill someone because it was his first go?
SC276: A perverted sentimentality.
MrSing: Rule one of being a great writer: burn and hide your old shame. That one’s for free, kid.
When I first uploaded this story all the way back in August 2014
Crazy56U: Oh, great, another reason to hate 2014.
MrSing: Ancient and barbaric times.
Scarlet: When mammoths walked the earth, and “Selfie” got radio play.
CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, and...and...did anything of note take place in 2014?
Crazy56U: Well, there was the tragic murdering of “How I Met Your Mother” on March 31st...
I've since fixed (a lot) of grimmer mistakes to make it readable.
Mononeko: But I kept the lighthearted ones.
CaptainPipsqueak: He tells us he’s taken care of grammar errors while misspelling grammar. Oh God; this is gold.
Crazy56U: Well, at least he made the story more light-hearted...
Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading my first work, NSH.
Crazy56U: This isn’t called “NSH”, Author. Did you seriously forget which story you
ToonGuy: Would not surprise me in the least.
It Has Been
MrSing: So how is that fixing a lot of “grimmer” mistakes working out for you?
Scarlet: I feel bad for complaining about the editors last time we riffed Pen Stroke.
Crazy56U: The More You Know
CaptainPipsqueak: ...The Less You Wish You Had.
SC276: ~-one week since you looked at me...~
about two months now since Rainbow Dash had found out that she could open portals to my world.
JofY: And yet, she still hasn’t replied to any of my texts.
Crazy56U: Insert Double Rainboom joke here.
SC276: Well that’s freakin’ convenient.
MrSing: “Oops, just teared a hole between dimension. I guess I can do that now.”
Scarlet: Let’s try it! *leaps through a glowing portal*
CaptainPipsqueak: [GLADoS] “Oh goody; more test subjects! Let’s do science.”
“I still can't believe it every time she visits me.”
CaptainPipsqueak: “It takes me half an hour to clean up the mess she leaves.”
Crazy56U: And this part of narration is in quote because… the Narrator is talking to… ...himself?
Mononeko: Considering the story we’re in, this is probably true.
CaptainPipsqueak: This guy considers quotes to be… well I’m not sure what he thinks of them, only that they should be used liberally. Quotations are the new comma.
SC276: Maybe it’s something like the narrator in Bastion.
She'd always liked to hang out at my house for a few hours two or three times a week, as It was far too dangerous for us to do anything out of the house
Crazy56U: “Some old guy kept offering us a sword to do so, though. ...don’t really trust that guy…”
CaptainPipsqueak: Did he say anything about it being dangerous to go alone?
MrSing: The protagonist and the cops aren’t, shall we say, on the best of terms.
CaptainPisqueak: Well, at least the cops and us are on the same wavelength.
JofY: Uhh.... At best, they have the same frequency.
CaptainPipsqueak: Potahto, potayto...
seeing as how no one other than me I had seen a Pony like her before.
Waterpear: Dangerous? Is this one of those fics where humans are all “I AM MANDOR! MANDOR SEE COLORFUL PONY. MANDOR MURDER!”?
Crazy56U: ...I’m starting to think that this story isn’t actually happening and the
Narrator is crazy...
CaptainPipsqueak: You should know by now that these are actually written - you’ve done more than your share.
ToonGuy: You think those kind of guys have their own special club?
CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. It’s called Fanfiction.net.
SC276: Not a very exclusive club, is it.
CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Special’ and ‘exclusive’ are not conflicting terms. AO3 is catching up as well.
As we grew closer as friends over the weeks,
Crazy56U: I’d like to think that drugs were involved… just because.
CaptainPipsqueak: I can see how that would speed the process, yes.
MrSing: Most people need drugs to become friends with talking blue horses.
Scarlet: *emerges from glowing portal* Not me, though! I just don’t make friends.
CaptainPipsqueak: [GLAdoS] “That really hurts me in my heart, you know.”
Dash ended up spending pretty much all day relaxing or watching some Indiana Jones films of which she loved to compare to her beloved Daring Do books.
Scarlet: “It’s the same thing but with more screaming women in the second film!”
Crazy56U: And there’s a disappointing lack of Shia LaBeouf in Daring Do…
CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Disappointing lack’ and ‘Shia LaBeouf’ do not go together like that.
MrSing: The ponies are really missing out on never having had nazies. The movies just aren’t the same without them.
The time zones used to so different between our worlds,
Crazy56U: (picks up a “be” from the ground) Hey, did anyone drop this?
but now their time passes at almost the same as ours give or take a few hours.
Crazy56U: Is it because Equestria doesn’t believe in Daylight Savings Time?
CaptainPipsqueak: I can see the reasoning behind that, being as their royalty control the day and night.
SC276: When Apocalymon appeared, the time between your world and our world became synchronized.
MrSing: The daylight saving times became crazy inconvenient.
Scarlet: Skype Dn’D sessions became much easier to set up!
In a lot of ways it feels like our two worlds are becoming one amazing reality.
JofY: In fact, they are planning to start this new thing that will change humans into ponies to help with this merge. So far, things look promising.
ToonGuy: Apparently they’re looking to go global! So that’s a plus.
Crazy56U: Eh, I don’t know, this one crazy chick on the Internet is a wee bit too into the idea, if you catch my drift.
CaptainPipsqueak: Eh; there’s always one...
MrSing: Just cram the realities together into one big colorful rainbow mush.
Twilight Sparkle along with various other researchers in Equestria had found easier ways to would cross
Crazy56U: Yes, yes, would cross, but should cross? That’s the real question.
SC276: Would cross could cross should cross lying in the sun...
MrSing: How much cross would a would cross cross if a would cross would cross would?
CaptainPisqueak: My calculations suggest twelve.
from studying Rainbow Dash's amazing abilities over this short time, but soon world crossing became regulated.
JofY: Curse you, bureaucracy!!!
Crazy56U: The process to get a world-crossing visa is so bullshit, let me tell ya. Makes a trip to the DMV look like a trip to 7-11...
CaptainPipsqueak: Is it true that you actually have to post your entire itinerary before they clear you?
Crazy56U: Not just your itinerary, let me tell you. Jesus Christ, the amount of shit you need to provide is just… wow…
CaptainPipsqueak: Oh Jesus...They don’t still...probe you, do they?
Crazy56U: (uncomfortably shifts in seat) ...yep...
Mononeko: Yep, haven’t been able to walk straight for days…
CaptainPipsqueak: The trip back is even worse. Hooves. ‘nuff said.
SC276: You gotta shove it up your ass, Morty!
On the rare occasion when her friends did show up with her, it was really only to collect “field research”
JofY: Other than the fields, there wasn’t anything actually different. Just the fields.
CaptainPipsqueak: ...but there were a lot of fields, so it wasn’t a total loss.
Crazy56U: Or, in other words, it was basically “Reverse ‘Pokemon Snap’”.
Scarlet: “Field Research”. Is that what kids are calling it these days?
as Twilight called it when she would borrow various gaming magazines and books from me to read and return on hers or Dashes next trip.
CaptanPipsqueak: Ten bucks says Twilight gets into ‘League of Legends.’
Crazy56U: (scoff) Please, Twilight would be more into WOW. Pinkie, on the other
hand, she’d be into LOL.
CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but in her case it would mostly be because of the acronym. Fluttershy plays Diablo III. I call it.
Crazy56U: Nah, my money’s on Club Penguin. Because.
CaptainPipsqueak: It has to be something violent. Otherwise the joke is ruined.
Crazy56U: Heh, you think Club Penguin isn’t violent… ...you fool…
ToonGuy: Rarity would definitely be into Minecraft. All the fabulous jewels.
SC276: So she’d kill for pearls?
Mononeko: Do you think Lyra would play The Sims?
I think it was Twilight that spearheaded this, inter-dimensional research program.
JofY: Inter-dimensional research program NO!
Crazy56U: It was going to be called “Project: Sliders”, but Twilight faced a copyright
infringement thing over it.
Scarlet: We defaulted on “Stargate” as well.
CaptainPipsqueak: Have you considered “Wormhole X-treme!”?
But don't quote me that.
Waterpear: “Don’t quote me on that.” ~ some guy who dated bluefast
Crazy56U: (writing in notebook) Yeah, uh huh, don’t quote, got it…
JofY: Anything you say, can and will be used against you...
SC276: Aren’t we in quotation marks right now?
CaptainPipsqueak: Have we reached our quote-a yet?
You sure couldn't make up this stuff about about realities and dimensions,
MrSing: I’ll bet you ten bucks the author had a insufferable smirk on their face when they wrote that line.
It always made my head hurt trying to understand it, but I guess reality will always be stranger than fiction.
Crazy56U: The only good thing about reality, really, is spaghetti. Spaghetti is
Crazy56U: Shut up, Garfield, why don’t you go back to your buddy, Bill Murray, and make another terrible live action movie... ...sorry, I just felt like ragging on the Garfield movie...
CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, cannelloni is good, too.
SC276: Um, all this seems really clear-cut to me. Also, given I’ve got a canon that revolves entirely around dimensional travel, I have, thank you very much.
I had been watching one of those Red Bull air races on TV that evening,
Crazy56U: Author, product placement is a sin. (takes a swig of Diet Coke) Shame.
JofY: Damn it! I thought I had Adblock on!
Crazy56U: No, you do, it’s just that the Author found a way to bypass it. He’s that
much of an ass. (takes another swig of Diet Coke)
CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah! What bullshit is this? (takes a handful of Jelly Belly)
ToonGuy: Damn, this stuff is good. *Grabs the Walmart bag and pulls out Sunny D.*
SC276: Insert line from that GIFset from that movie here. (pulls out a Nintendo 3DS)
Scarlet: Sure would be great for people to read The Fumble, now endorsed by absolutely no major corporation!
MrSing: Woah, where did all this money come from?
thinking that the pilots flying as fast as they did in those planes were the closest thing a human like me could get to being a real Wonderbolt.
CaptainPipsqueak: Why are they using planes? Red Bull gives you wings, doesn’t it?
Crazy56U: Please, that’s a myth.
CaptainPipsqueak: Really? Because I can just imagine them tooling around and making jet noises.
Scarlet: The drug references in this story are started to add up. This guy is just stupid high.
Mononeko: I think he’s either stupid or high.
CaptainPipsqueak: The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
I always liked aviation glowing up,
CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, he likes his planes what shine in the darkness.
Crazy56U: Radioactive Planes: The Future Is Now!
to this day I still have a model jet fighter on one of the bookcases in my room along with a photo of Spitfire posing with Rainbow Dash that the Pegasus had giving me a few weeks after we first met.
Crazy56U: Or, in other words, you stole it.
Scarlet: I prefer to think of it as ‘borrowing for life’.
Mononeko: [Someone who enters his room] “Ummm, why do you have a photo of a blue horse?”
That’s probably why I admired the Pegasi so much.
MrSing: He was always a sucker for posing.
They were living my dream of flying with complete freedom like they did with those powerful wings of theirs.
CaptainPipsqueak: “Also, Rainbow Dash has an incredible ass. Don’t tell her I said so.”
Crazy56U: ...I feel uncomfortable now…
CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, that’s where things are headed. Don’t fool yourself.
ToonGuy: I’ve already got myself some Brain Bleach just for the occasion.
JofY: Oh… That wasn’t supposed to go down the drain?
MrSing: Oh please, have you ever even seen a Segway? If humans had wings they would be too lazy to fly.
They'd just announced the winner with the fastest time when all of a sudden, I saw a bright whitish/blue light flash throughout the house
Crazy56U: “And then a- wait, is that a flying DeLorean?!”
Scarlet: *makes TARDIS noises*
CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t wreck your throat now.
SC276: Well it’s not one of mine. Those are all blue.
MrSing: Plot twist. This story takes place in Hiroshima.
and a loud “BANG” a little less loader then a gunshot rang out.
JofY: EVERYONE! GET DOWN!
CaptainPipsqueak: It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly a shot rang out!
Crazy56U: (deadpan) Insert topical joke here about gun violence.
MrSing: S.W.A.T. team to the rescue! And you thought I was joking when I said the police was looking for him.
Nox: You’re in my way, sir.
Then seeing as the bright light started to diminish a cyan blue Pegasi laying in the middle of my dining room floor.
Crazy56U: Annnd Rainbow’s dead. THE END
Scarlet: Cyan bl- a blue, blue pegasus? Yo listen up here’s a story about a blue pegasus in a blue room, and all day and all night-
CaptainPipsqueak: Oh dabadee.
After seeing what just happened, I quickly jumped off the couch I'd been sitting on and ran over to the distraught Pegasus.
Mononeko: “Looks like meat’s back on the menu!”
Scarlet: To finish her off and get the free EXP and item drops!
Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) CaptainPipsqueak would be excellent at CinemaSins.
CaptainPipsqueak: Is that a compliment or an insult?
SC276: Easy EXP.
“Ugh, I got to find a better way of doing this...”
JofY: [Dash] “This is the worst way of breaking and entering.”
Crazy56U: (punches table in anger) Shit…
JofY: ...Dude. Why did you punch my table?
Crazy56U: It was either the table or the wall…
ToonGuy: So does that mean it’s open season on punching JofY’s table?
JofY: If you guys keep breaking my stuff, do you know what I’ll have to do?
ToonGuy: Get a new table?
JofY: You will? Great. I like the expensive kind.
SC276: Does that “better way” including doing it outside?
said an exhausted Rainbow Dash who was laying in front of me, now putting a hoof on her aching head.
MrSing: She had left a part of her brain behind in Equestria. Again.
“What happened?” I asked helping her off the ground and back up onto hooves again adding
Crazy56U: She was playing Counter Strike with Larry the Cable Guy, what did you
think happened, you idiot?
Scarlet: Is that what it looks like when you come down from a dimensional high?
“Haven't You been talking to Twilight about how to world jump easier Dashie? “Well,”
JofY: Have you ever heard of the quotation mark overpopulation theory? Oh, by the way. Get used to quotation marks, we’ll be seeing a lot of them.
CaptainPipsqueak: Covered that already. ‘The New Comma.’
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Well, I was, but Twilight had discovered that movie ‘Jumper’ and, well... ...she got mad…”
Rainbow Dash said, starting to explain.
Scarlet: “Well, for starters, ponies and people just sort of cross the dimensional boundary all the time now, and-”
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Okay, there was this thing, and then this thing happened, and meanwhile a whole lot of things occurred-”
CaptainPipsqueak: Rainbow Dash explaining things would be something along the lines of “Bad shit happened. I broke a rule. Now I’m here.”
“Since I'm not aloud to travel here for the time being,
MrSing: Like any sensible species would, we had established a “no teleporting” zone over this dweebs house.
It wouldn't really be the smartest move I could make and… “Suddenly,”
CaptainPipsqueak: “So visit here aquietly, then.”
Crazy56U: Suddenly, what? Suddenly, you jumped anyway?
SC276: Suddenly, pineapples!
I stopped her mid sentence.
Crazy56U: Oh. ...you see, I didn’t make the connection that it was part of the narration since you put it in quotes.
Scarlet: Stop! Wait a minute.
“What do you mean You're not allowed to travel here, did something happen?
JofY: “What happened to your grammar?
Crazy56U: What, did Rainbow get put in time out or something?
SC276: [Rainbow] “No, I said aloud. Pay attention, you’re supposed to be my boyfriend or something.”
Scarlet: “Rainbow Miriam Dash, you didn’t attempt to smuggle churros back to Equestria again did you? You know they’re banned!”
CaptainPisqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “But they’re just so goooood!”
MrSing: You know how things have been since pony 9/11.
I thought Twilight and the others proved that cross world traveling was safe?.”
Scarlet: Yeah, nothing potentially dangerous about suddenly introducing a massive influx of land and resources to the entire human world without any sort of safety net.
Crazy56U: Eh, they did their math on a napkin, it checked out.
CaptainPipsqueak: And then someone wiped up a coffee stain. Most of the equations could still be read, though. Kinda.
“They did, and it is!” she told me in an uplifting tone. “But,” after I kind of took that whiskey bottle back with me last time,
SC276: Why did you take a whiskey bottle?
Mononeko: I don’t know, but it reminds me I need a drink to get through this.
Scarlet: Oh god, I was kidding about smuggler Dash.
Crazy56U: SC276, that is a stupid question, and you know it.
I forgot to hide it and they um, “found it...”
JofY: [Dash] “And I said that I only wanted to try… but she brought out the belt and-”
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “And then they tried to take it, but I wasn’t done drinking, and then things got violent, and then I pulled out a knife-”
CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “Still have no idea where that came from…”
she told me with a sheepish grin on her face. "So yeah, now I’m banned from cross world visiting!"
CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “All because I refused to share. Assholes.”
Crazy56U: (slow clap) GG Rainbow. You managed to get blacklisted from the very
thing you helped make possible.
SC276: How is there going to be cross-world travel now? We haven’t gotten any evidence that anyone besides Rainbow can do it.
ToonGuy: Magic. They don’t have to explain it.
MrSing: Alcohol is once again the unsung hero that tried to protect us from this story.
she stated quickly, smiling up at me as the guilt and embarrassment in her voice built up. “Oh, so that's where that went.” I told her in a sly tone as Rainbow Dash continued.
JofY: Ah. Petty larceny.
CaptainPipsqueak: Bullshit. Whenever Rainbow does it it’s awesome larceny.
Crazy56U: [???] “Goddamnit, Rainbow, that was my dinner!”
Crazy56U: (vomits candy corn)
Crazy56U: (grabs a handful of candy corn) (dumps it on your head)
“I'm so sorry man, but You can't get stuff like that back in Cloudsdale aside from Las Pegasus!
JofY: You’d think they’d want to export that kind of stuff.
Crazy56U: Well, there’s also Canterlot, but the cost for such whiskey there is obscene.
SC276: I don’t think you understand how cities work, author.
Scarlet: I don’t think he understands how booze works.
CaptainPipsqueak: Shit, this poor guy’s running out of things to understand. Soon he’ll forget balance.
and I well, um… wanted something to remember You by between visits.” she told me sincerely as her face turned away blushing slightly from embarrassment.
CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “Every time I see you I just want to get shitfaced drunk. I think I might have a problem.”
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Well, that, and I’m too cheap to actually buy alcohol...”
MrSing: She doesn’t have a problem, stealing heavy booze from your friends is (*≧▽≦)♡ ~romantic!~ ♡ ★~(◡﹏◕✿)
JofY: AHH!!! A weaboo! *punches MrSing in the face*
“Hey, It's alright Dashie, I told her with a consoling tone as she looked up to me. “I'm just sorry that You got in trouble for bringing it back with you that's all.” I said, reassuring her that I wasn't mad at her actions.
JofY: Just soul-crushingly disappointed in her.
Crazy56U: He was crying on the inside, though, due to the loss of his bottle...
SC276: I’m not sure what’s worse, that this guy has no idea how quotation marks work, or that he can’t figure out proper writing structure otherwise.
In fact to be honest, I was flattered
MrSing: “It’s so nice of her to steal from me.”
that She was thinking about me when we were apart, though I'd be too embarrassed to tell her that.
JofY: I remember things best by drinking.
Crazy56U: Haven’t you two been dating for like three weeks now?
ToonGuy: And she’s already on the drinking phase? God, that bad?
Scarlet: Well, this guy hasn’t noticed even once the implications of his girlfriend needing booze to “remember him”.
“Twilight and the others are so overprotective with these cross world contamination laws!”
JofY: It’s almost as if some sort of virus or something could cross over, decimating an entire civilization!
CaptainPipsqueak: That’s crazy talk. You’re crazy.
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Hell, I washed my hooves before taking the bottle, you’d think that was enough!”
SC276: We have to maintain the world border!
Dash said angrily. "I've never gotten any sort of illness from visiting your world!,
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, yeah, I did have that diarrhea thing, but I
attribute that to Taco Bell.”
ToonGuy: Well, to be fair to Twilight, if there’s anything that’s going to wipe out entire worlds, it’s going to be found in Taco Bell.
CaptainPipsqueak: Fatburger for the win. Damn they make kickass milkshakes.
MrSing: If you mean that you feel like you’ve been kicked in the ass after eating there, than yeah.
I was given a three month travel ban and a 300bit fine by the equestrian “royal council” if you can believe it!”
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, c’mon. ‘Royal council’?! (scoff) That’s not a real
CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “And then I found out it was. After razzing Celestia about it. Boy, was that a dark day…”
“Didn't Twilight try and help you out at all?” I said, causing Rainbow to then let out a deep sigh, lowing her head. “Yeah, but there was little she could do at that point.”
Crazy56U: ...Twilight refused to help your dumb ass out, didn’t she?
SC276: You freakin’ stole something, what else did you expect?!
CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean okay, I made her watch me finish the bottle, but still…”
The look on her face getting ever redder as she continued on. “It's just not fair!, I'm the one who has the world jumping ability to begin with!
Crazy56U: Wait, I thought that Twilight had that inter-dimensional research thing?
Isn’t the point of that to make inter-dimensional avaliable for everyone?
ToonGuy: If that’s the case, insert topical joke about politics here.
Crazy56U: WOW, ToonGuy, tell us how you really feel about Donald Trump, damn...
without me, none of this would even be possible!, and they had the nerve to tell me I can't come here?, “seriously." "WHAT THE BUCK.!”
JofY: Screw politics, it’s not like life could ever depend on it.
Crazy56U: (deep sigh) #LetRainbowSayFuck2016
ToonGuy: GET THE MOVEMENT SPREADING.
she told me with a angered look as I began to approach her, putting my arms around the upset Pegasus and consolingly holding her close to me.
ToonGuy: And thus it BEGINS.
Mononeko: *gulp*, mommy, I’m scared...
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(muffled) Hey, what the, I can’t breathe!”
Scarlet: I executed my follow-up chokehold effortlessly.
“Hey, it's alright Dashie.” I said giving her a gentle hug feeling her soft coat. "And don't worry, I'll help pay that crazy fine of yours, there's got to be something around here that's worth that much in Esqestra!.
JofY: In Esqestra? Yes. In Equestria? No.
CaptainPipsqueak: What’s the exchange rate between Esqestra and Equestria anyway?
Waterpear: About 600 Esqestran btis = 1 Equestrian bit
Crazy56U: [???] “No, I’m not drunk, shut up!”
SC276: I know there’s been research about roughly how much bits are in American dollars, but I can’t be arsed to look those up now.
Looking into her big eyes I then said. "What's important right now is that you're here." as she then looked back at me, saying. “I couldn't let you do that, money always ruins friendships and I..."
JofY: You hear that everyone? If you help a friend with a loan, you are DECIMATING YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH THEM!
ToonGuy: Especially if it means that you’ll probably never see them again!
CaptainPipsqueak: Clearly the correct course of action is to point and laugh.
Crazy56U: So, in other words, the economy must be destroyed at all costs?
Suddenly, I stopped her next words with a light kiss on Dash's forehead.
JofY: How’s that face-eye coordination?
CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God; they’re going to fuck at some point, aren’t they?
ToonGuy: Think we established that early on.
CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, but sometimes I hate when we’re right.
Crazy56U: And thus begins the bestiality.
SC276: Followed by a left to the breadbasket and a right to the chops.
CaptainPipsqueak: Bread and chops. Great. Now I’m hungry.
“It's OK, I want to.”
JofY: I want to ruin our friendship.
Crazy56U: No you don’t, trust me, that’s the bad writing talking.
SC276: “Don’t do it, bear, it’s the fanfic talking!”
I told the upset mare as I began to see a light smile slowly come over Dash’s face, knowing just how much I cared about her.
JofY: Not at all.
Crazy56U: ...they’re going to plow soon, aren’t they?
SC276: Get on with it!
Scarlet: I rented a ‘70s porn music record and everything! In retrospect, I regret this!
“We'll see” Rainbow Dash said, starting to blush slightly more from the kiss I had given her. “Sorry about the rough entrance,
ToonGuy: [George Takei] OH MY.
Crazy56U: Wait, that was a rough entrance?
but I wasn't about to let some stupid travel ban stop me from seeing you!"
JofY: And that’s when the space police burst in.
CaptainPipsqueak: [Space Cop] “I swear, I thought she was going for a knife. That’s why I shot her three times!”
Crazy56U: Oh, wait, let me guess: Rainbow isn’t going to be allowed to go back home now?
The Pegasus then told me as I wiped away the tears from her eyes before slowly brushing my hand down the soft coat on her back, feeling her furs amazingly soft texture.
CaptainPipsqueak: Should we...be here any longer?
ToonGuy: Probably not. But we’re staying anyway.
Crazy56U: (depressedly drinks more Diet Coke)
SC276: Didn’t you already talk about her fur being soft? Also, who is it that gets upset at giving ponies fur instead of hair again?
“Other than flying with the Wonderbolts and spending time with my friends, I enjoy coming here and visiting You the most.”
JofY: You’re third best.
SC276: It’s because of YOU, isn’t it?
Scarlet: I’ve made an appropriately tiny trophy out of paper-mache!
Rainbow told me smiling. “I always look forward to seeing You too Dashie, I told her with a look of sincerity. “Thanks, you're the best most awesome friend a Pegasi could ask for!” Dash exclaimed
SC276: [Rainbow] “The friends I have that let me shoot rainbows at supervillains aren’t worth jack in comparison!”
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(yells at the ceiling) Yeah, you hear that?! (shakes hoof) Fuck you, Pinkie!”
Mononeko: [Pinkie] “Hey! I heard that!”
hugging me tighter before breaking off
Crazy56U: Your head? Please say she killed you and we can end this early…
Scarlet: If killing the characters was all it took to do that, don’t you think I would’ve been trying harder already?
Crazy56U: (punches a hole into the table)
Mononeko: (shakes his head disappointed) you had one chance Rainbow…
CatainPipsqueak: “YOU HAD ONE JOB!”
a few seconds later. “Now, I'm starving! what's the plan for dinner tonight?.”
CaptainPipsqueak: “I figured we’d just have a snack. Cupcakes. … Why are you looking at me like that?”
JofY: “Hors-... Nothing…”
Crazy56U: [???] “Eh, I didn’t get paid this week, so... ...you up for crackers and
SC276: First step of the recipe: break up the wall into multiple paragraphs.
One of the highlights of Rainbow Dash’s trips to my world was the food, because it was only in our world that could she have such amazing things like steaks, hamburgers, or generally any kind of food with meat in it Rainbow Dash secretly craved and loved.
CaptainPipsqeak: Yeah...she sure loves the meat. Heh heh heh...
Crazy56U: Rainbow’s going to have a fucking heart attack at this rate, those are the
SC276: Plus I’m pretty sure she can’t eat meat. This is freakin’ Mykan all over again.
She had to keep this fact a secret in her world as generally, ponies were vegetarians and frowned greatly at eating any kind of meat.
JofY: ...Ah, taboos. Aren’t they grand?
CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, I have one one of a skull on my forearm. … Wait; you said ‘taboo’ didn’t you?
Crazy56U: Please, Twilight had bacon and loved that shit. ...you know, assuming that
Equestria Girls takes place in this world...
SC276: Pretty sure that’s biologically impossible.
Crazy56U: You can accomplish any impossible task if you try hard enough. Also, horses can’t puke, and yet Pinkie did just that in that episode where Applejack was sleep-deprived and almost murdered everyone.
SC276: You’re trying to make an excuse for MLP ponies not acting like real ponies by quoting Pinkie?
Crazy56U: Hey, I’m not proud of my actions either, but there you go.
CaptainPipsqueak: *Meanwhile, in Ponyville* [Pinkie] “Ear-flap, rear hoof two-tap...Somepony’s talking about me!”
“Well, we could always get those cheese steaks like last time,” I asked. “They're good and everything. But ever since my last visit I've really been craving some of that awesome pizza we had!”
JofY: Instead of the boring pizza.
CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I’ve had some boring pizza in my time. The best way to tell if it’s good pizza is if you can eat it cold from the fridge and think to yourself ‘This doesn’t need heating.’
Crazy56U: Split the difference: cheesesteak pizza. I think Domino’s still sells it...
SC276: I’d like twenty.
Dash said looking at me with an enthusiastic smile.”
“Alright it's settled then, pizza for dinner it is!"
CaptainPipsqueak: “Do you mind if I invite my turtle friends to come along?”
ToonGuy: “Also, if a rat comes to the door, don’t kill it. He’s their chaperone.”
Crazy56U: Meanwhile, a fat orange cat waits outside and plots to steal their pizza before becoming CGI again and becoming a fucking annoy- look, I just rewatched the Garfield movie recently, and I have regrets...
SC276: Don’t watch the sequel then.
Crazy56U: Maybe you should say that to Past Crazy56U then. (begins openly sobbing)
I said starting to think that there was only "one" pizza place in my area that we liked to order from,
Crazy56U: Funnily enough, it was actually the Taco Bell...
SC276: Like, one of those combo restaurants that has a Pizza Hut Express menu, or were they getting Mexican Pizza because I swear that’s a thing?
already knowing what kind of toppings Rainbow Dash had in mind, It was the her favorite,
ToonGuy: I’m glad it was the her favorite, I’d hate if it was just her favorite. Totally take me out of the immersive story.
CaptainPipsqueak: If there were “two” or even “three” there might be an entire page devoted to deciding.
Crazy56U: (reads from “Pizza Place” menu) Let’s see… “The Her Favorite”... ...dear
God, that’s an obscene amount of topping…...
CaptainPipsqueak: Two pounds of bacon. Geez, I’m surprised it doesn’t go straight to her hips.
with spicy pepperoni, mushrooms, ham, “with sausage” and really anything other meat they had for toppings she really enjoyed.
CaptainPipsqueak: Thank God Dash lives alone. I do not want to be in her house half an hour later.
Waterpear: I really don’t want to know what the “with sausage” is made from.
CaptainPipsqueak: Homeless people.
Crazy56U: Like, seriously, you see my point? That is way too much topping!
SC276: So, you ordered a meat lover’s?
After I finished ordering the most toppings on a pizza they probity ever had received,
JofY: Because, ordering everything, doesn’t exist.
ToonGuy: Of course it doesn’t! Haven’t you heard, it’s probity the most they’ve ever had!
Crazy56U: Hey now, the night is young, and I have it on high authority that stoners like pizza...
I sat down on one of the bar stools on the other side of the kitchen counter as Rainbow Dash was quick to join me, flying over and sitting on the adjacent stool,
CaptainPipsqueak: Walking that short distance clearly being below her...
Crazy56U: You know what would fix this story? It suddenly becoming a “Cheers”
crossover for no good reason…
CaptainPipsqueak: FUCK. YOU.
Crazy56U: Hey now, I could’ve made a worse comment due to the mention of bar
SC276: A long long way to run!
Crazy56U: I ran so far away...
seeing the look of excitement and anticipation for the delicious pizza that was on the Pegasus's face was priceless.
Crazy56U: Seriously, you are going to kill her if you let her eat that, I’m calling it now!
“Man this pizza's gonna be so awesome! can. not. wait.”
Mononeko: must. resist. to. say. something.
Crazy56U: why are we whispering?
Rainbow Dash said ecstatically. “They said it should be here in ten to fifteen minutes.”
CaptainPipsqueak: Only if they microwaved it.
Crazy56U: Five hours later, Rainbow had burned down the house in outrage of the
pizza not arriving. What’s His Face died in the blaze.
Ugh, wish I could make time go faster...” She muttered to herself looking over at the clock in the living room.
ToonGuy: There’s a time and a place for mucking around!
SC276: No one mention anything Superman’s done to her.
Crazy56U: And then, inspired by the clock, Rainbow decided to try and build a time machine. All she ultimately did was break the microwave. What’s His Face died in the blaze.
“So Dash, how have things been going with the Wonderbolts?” I asked. “Pretty good,” Rainbow Dash said looking back in my direction.
JofY: “Still haven’t hired me yet…”
CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “You just wait; I’ll create my own stunt team! Yeah...yeah!”
Mononeko: With blackjack and hookers?
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, I haven’t been fired yet, so…”
"We just got back from a show in Saddle Arabia that was pretty awesome. "The highlight of the show was when Soarin and Spitfire showed off this new move called the triple rotation double loop dive,
CaptainPipsqueak: I try to envision that and my nose bleeds. Is that normal?
SC276: Honestly, flight moves just seemed to be named randomly to me.
Crazy56U: AKA. a barrel roll, Star Fox 64 style.
”I of course” were the most talented of everypony there thanks to my now signature move, “The Triple Sonic Rain Boom!”
JofY: it ruins everyones gramma
ToonGuy: What yu mean, budy
SC276: (There’s a pile of syntax rules in this trash heap.)
Crazy56U: FUCK ME, “DOUBLE RAINBOOM” IS CANON IN THIS STORY
She exclaimed in a cocky tone throwing her hooves up in the air. “A triple sonic rain boom huh... "Can you even do that?" I asked suspiciously.
Mononeko: Oh god no, as if a double rainboom wasn’t bad enough already.
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Dude, do you even know who I am?!”
“Of course I can!” she stated confidently. “I can't pull it off all the time,
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Because it requires me to do a line of coke before hand,
and I have to use it sparingly; Fluttershy charges an obscene amount for it…”
but with the other Wonderbolts amazing moves,
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Which are just… just awful...”
I just had to one up em!” Rainbow said as she pointed a hoof to her chest
SC276: You were trying to show up your teammates? With a dangerous move given the crazy speeds you have to do for just one burst?
Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, Rainbow, did you learn nothing from that “Wonderbolts Academy” episode?! Showboating is dangerous!
than looking at me with suspicion. “Why, you don't think I did it?” Dash asked me with a sly tone in her voice. “Well then... If that's the case then maybe I'll just have to show You first hoof!”
JofY: Let’s destroy everything!
CaptainPipsqueak: Can I bring the grenade launcher?
ToonGuy: I’ll get the sledgehammer.
SC276: (pulls out flint and steel) 420 blaze it!
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(punches ??? in the nose) And now, second hoof! (proceeds to break ???’s jaw)”
“As much as I'd love to see that Dash, I don't think it would be the best idea, considering you'd probity break every window within 300 miles I told her jokingly.
ToonGuy: Yes, she ‘probity’ will, taking that last set of quotations marks with her no doubt.
SC276: Um, three hundred miles would cover the entire state of Nevada.
Crazy56U: That’s not a joke, dipshit, windows are expensive.
CaptainPipsqueak: Not to mention something like that would also kill everyone within three hundred miles.
“I'll take your word for it alright." I said, patting her on the back.
“OK fine..." But I’m taking You to see our next show so can witness my moves first well, “Hand!” The Rainbow mare said looking down at my hands.
JofY: ...Good job, Dash. Can you tell me where the foot is next?
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Hey, what happened to your thumbs?!”
[???] “(embarrassed) Ah, well, you see, I owed someone money-”
A confused expression then quickly came over her face as I asked. “How could I see your show,
Crazy56U: Well, on the television, obviously, but that requires a cable subscription,
however you can watch it online, but that requires an Internet connection an-
I thought humans couldn't travel back to Equestria?”
JofY: Darn you, B.S.
SC276: If other ponies can travel with Dash to this would, why can’t humans go the other way?
Crazy56U: Oh. ...why are we still on this Wonderbolts thing, that isn’t going to amount to anything in this story! ...probably!
Well, um. Rainbow Dash thought for a few seconds, suddenly remembering something that Twilight had told her as she then said. “Yeah, I guess You're right, I umm. I forget sometimes” she uttered out looking down at the floor as I then placed one of my hands on her neck consolingly telling her.
CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “Hey! Bad touch, buddy…”
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “GAH! (flinches) Dude, your hand is freezing!”
“Hey, hey, It’s alright Dashie, but there's something I just don’t understand, If you guys can cross into my world and take books and stuff, why can’t I just go back with You into Your world?”
JofY: This is how to tell if she’s actually into you, or just mooching.
Crazy56U: [???] “What, I mean, it’s not like you got me blacklisted as well. Right?”
[Rainbow Dash] “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”
SC276: That’s what I just asked!
Rainbow Dash looked puzzled for a minute, then saying the first thing she could think of hastily.
JofY: “I… I hate sand!”
ToonGuy: “It’s coarse and rough and irritating. Just like you!”
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “If there were two guys on the moon and one of them
killed the other with a rock would that be fucked up or what?”
CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “Hey; who did put the ‘bop’ in the ‘bopshoobopshoobop’?”
“I guess we’ll um, have to ask Twilight next time we see her about that." Rainbow Dash told me with a nervous tone in her voice.
JofY: She’s hiding something! Press her!
Mononeko: Hold It!
ToonGuy: I thought we didn’t want sex in this.
Crazy56U: And thus, the story takes a turn for the LA Noire...
I could tell by her reaction that she was maybe hiding something, but I didn’t want to press the matter.
JofY: Oh… I was actually joking there.
Crazy56U: But he said he wasn’t going to press it. Technically, it’s still a joke!
“Yeah, that sounds like a plan to me."
Crazy56U: A shitty plan, mind you, but it is a plan!
“Her glance then looked towards the big bowl of fruit
Crazy56U: Well, apparently Rainbow brought a pet with her to Earth… ...why not Tank,
I had on the countertop as Rainbow Dash started to reach out one of her hooves, proceeding to grab an apple from the bowl and roll it across the to her,
SC276: Sailing across the To Her: what George Washington did after crossing the Delaware.
Crazy56U: Little did Rainbow know that she just grabbed a wax apple...
taking a nice big bite out of it. “These are so sweet!, why is everything more awesome here?”
ToonGuy: You’re right. Not being able to fly naturally or use magic is pretty awesome.
Crazy56U: Hey, now, we do have Netflix! We got that going for us!
CaptainPipsqueak: And Dairy Queen!
JofY: Plus, we have war.
she asked, turning to me after taking a few more bites of the juicy yellow apple. “They can’t be better then one of Applejack’s apples right?” I asked. “Well, Dash thought about it for a few seconds then saying. “I guess AJ's are better overall. “But these are a close second!”
CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, wouldn’t want to offend the redneck hick who’s in a totally different dimension, would you?
Crazy56U: No, you see, Rainbow is actually cheating on ??? with Applejack, it makes
“Oh my gosh!
JofY: What did you just say?
Crazy56U: Oh, hey-
oh my gosh!
JofY: Could you repeat that?
Crazy56U: I didn’t know-
oh my gosh!
JofY: Oh… Huh?
Captainpipsqueak: Dude, shut up or she’ll never stop.
Crazy56U: Rainbow liked Usher!
She then said ecstatically as her eyes widened. “I can only dream of what the cider must taste like from one of these apples! you gotta get some so I can try it.
ToonGuy: Ah, she’s clearly mooching. Romance is just a ploy by this addict for a new stash!
Crazy56U: Jesus, Rainbow, being with this guy is making you alcohol-dependent...
SC276: What does alcoholic cider even taste like compared to non-alcoholic?
CaptainPipsqueak: Sort of like sweet beer.
"Isn't your world getting into that season right now?" she inquired.
Mononeko: Oooh, so THAT’S the reason this guy is so attracted to her…
CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Getting into season’ huh?
Crazy56U: Yeah, when does this take place, actually? I mean, months were
mentioned... just not which months...
That look of pure joy and cuteness she had in those violet eyes at the moment where almost too much for me to bare.
JofY: And, he’s dead.
CaptainPipsqueak: After he stripped the look naked.
SC276: Why are you reminding her of the home she’s a fugitive from?!
Crazy56U: Let me guess, his heart exploded twice?
I always made sure to have the bowl fully stocked with all kinds of fruit for when Rainbow Dash and her five friends visited.
JofY: Unfortunately it was usually fake.
CaptainPipsqueak: The fact that Rainbow still found them delicious was worrying.
Crazy56U: And 9 times outta 10, it’s just full of apples, lest he put up with a rant from Applejack.
They always enjoyed what I picked out because a lot of the different fruits they didn't have back in Equestria.
ToonGuy: Such as? I’m not saying it’s impossible, just asking for specifics.
Crazy56U: Like the Grapple, for one.
“Okay, I'll be sure I have the fridge stocked with cider for you to try on your next visit." I told her with a reassuring tone in my voice.
CaptainPisqueak: “And I promise it won’t be the alcoholic kind!” *crosses fingers*
Crazy56U: Yep, completely full of cider. Screw having food or shelves in your fridge,
fuck it, wall to wall cider just to please the flying rainbow horse, that’s the way!
“Oh, thank you thank you thank you!” she said excitingly, starting to reach across the the short distance between the bar stools holding me tightly with her forehooves as both her wings wrapped themselves around my back, embracing me ever so gently.
JofY: The embracing strangulation.
SC276: Rainbow Dash. Excited and gentle at the same time. Rainbow Dash.
CaptainPipsqueak: Wow; the real Rainbow Dash is gonna be pissed. Chrysalis is probably laughing her ass off right now.
Crazy56U: ...Rainbow’s wings are not long enough to actually do that. ...either she’s
the size of an actual horse on Earth, or ??? is practically flat.
“Your so awesome.” Dash whispered in my ear as she hugged me, her warm cyan coat pushing up closely against my chest as I felt her soft rainbow mane beside my face, ushering me to nozzle against her.
CaptainPipsqueak: He then sprayed her with cold water. The screams were comedy gold.
ToonGuy: Oh, so Candid Camera still exists.
CaptainPipsqueak: Well, that’s what happens when you put your face near a nozzle.
Crazy56U: Uh oh, ??? was so turned on, he turned into a gas pump.
I was kind of taken back at Dash’s reaction to me just saying I was going to have some apple cider for her, but then again, It was her favorite drink. Aside from rum and coke that is,
ToonGuy: More signs of being a addict! Will she never stop!
Crazy56U: Is it really smart to mix cocaine and alcohol?
of which Rainbow Dash “loved” among various other alcoholic drinks I liked to mix for her when she visited.
SC276: Oh so you’re an expert cocktail maker then. That would’ve been nice to know before now!
CaptainPipsqueak: *considers making crude joke about ‘cock’ and ‘tail’ but holds back*
Crazy56U: Mixing drinks is easy if you just pour them at the same time!
Never liking to get drunk to the point of passing out but just get a nice buzz going and relax on my couch after a long day of Wonderbolt practice or cloud duty, which Dash liked to volunteer for on the times of year that had the more cloudy days that needed extra help clearing up.
SC276: So… at least she’s not drinking and flying? Also, is the cider not being mentioned as being with or without alcohol in Equestria a sign the author is not-American?
Crazy56U: ...that is what we are ending the chapter on. A hug and the Narrator monologuing on Rainbow’s alcohol dependency. Why.
Chapter Two: Dinner With A Dash Of Rainbow
Waterpear: cartoon horse is not a condiment
JofY: But it is a spice.
Crazy56U: You’re adding rainbow sprinkles to your pizza?! The fuck?!
SC276: And I thought pineapple was freakin’ weird...
Still holding onto me in an embrace, her eyes stirred into mine.
JofY: Next, you pour in the milk.
CaptainPipsqueak: ~Crack crack crack the eggs into the bowl…~
Crazy56U: Their eyes are physically touching? ...ow...
As I looked back into her beautiful magenta eyes, I saw she had an intense nervous look on her face that told me she was just as unsure about what was happening between us as I was.
JofY: Well, it appears to be the local production of Hamlet.
Mononeko: (Schwarzenegger voice) To be, or not to be? Not to be.
CaptainPipsqueak: "Now you fucked up!"
Crazy56U: Well, at least it’s better than the sequel.
Gazing back just as tensely looking at the cyan blue Pegasus in front of me, I thought that nothing had ever looked so beautiful in my life.
ToonGuy: “Mind you, I am legally blind.”
CaptainPipsqueak: “And have no taste whatsoever.”
Crazy56U: “Rainbow is the first and only thing that ever willingly agreed to date me,
But I was unsure if she felt the same way about me...
SC276: And of course you can’t ask directly because that’s rude for no reason.
CaptainPipsqueak: Also she’d probably kick the shit out of you.
Crazy56U: Again, you’ve been dating for three weeks!
Rainbow Dash looked away for a few seconds, then looking back at my ever nervous expression, she started to say. “Hey um, are you thirsty?.” she said in a quiet whispered tone looking deep into my eyes. “I uh, I could use a drink.”
CaptainPipsqueak: “Do I get to drink them off your belly?”
Crazy56U: (pulls out a canister of gas) Got ya covered, Rainbow.
I stated back, moving my eyes away from her to look at the various beverages I had around the kitchen.
SC276: If I hadn’t read some of the fanfics we go through, I’d question why someone has that much booze.
Crazy56U: Unfortunately, all he had left in terms of drinks was Mr. Pig.
Dash then all of a sudden put one of her hooves up to the side of my face and pulled my head back to look at her as she softly uttered. “No, not “that” kind of drink. “I asked if you were thirsty.”
JofY: “No, but I am hungry. Where’s that pizza?”
Crazy56U: (instantly worried) Uh-
she said in a playful tone, smirking at me slyly as her head tilted to one side.
Before I could think about what Dash meant, she moved her face closer to mine. Her four hooves along with her cyan wings embracing me ever tighter as the feathers on them slowly cascaded back and forth down my back.
CaptainPipsqueak: There was a wet crack and Rainbow took the wallet from his corpse. With a smirk, she returned to Equestria - the exchange rate for human dollars was amazing.
ToonGuy: Thus ended the first cut scene for the new Grand Theft Auto game.
Mononeko: How I wish that game was real...
SC276: Who is desperate enough to try and slate their thirst with someone else’s saliva?!
JofY: …*starts whistling innocently*
Crazy56U: OH GOD, HERE WE GO!
Which was giving me a tickling sensation that caused me to fall into a trance as we moved closer, me embracing her just as tightly now, and our faces slowly moved in for a kiss.
ToonGuy: SOUND THE KLAXON. We’re going into dangerous waters here!
SC276: I don’t want to do this tonight, I got a headache.
CaptainPipsqueak: That’s your excuse for everything.
Crazy56U: IT BEGINS!
Then, right as our lips were about to touch I heard a loud “DING DONG!” shortly right after that hearing someone say. “PIZZA!”
SC276: Pizza saves the day once again!
Crazy56U: (to the sky) Thank you, pizza.
We quickly stopped what we were doing, breaking the close embrace and moving our heads away from each other. Hearing that loud doorbell that made my heart as well as Rainbow Dash’s explode (twice.)
JofY: Okay, story’s over.
CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, I’m about done here too.
ToonGuy: The length of the document says otherwise.
SC276: We’re only halfway there?!
Crazy56U: CALLED IT!
With the both of us now turning our attention to the door.
JofY: Oh no! They’ve become zombies!
Crazy56U: They were waiting for it to open so they could get on the floor...
“Well, you’d better get that.” the blue Pegasus said as she jumped off the bar stool to go hide behind the couch in my living room.
ToonGuy: Odd time for a game of peek-a-boo!
Crazy56U: Rainbow hates strangers. Fact.
“Man, you really startled me, you should really say “Pizza” first. Then if no one answers. Ring the bell.
Mononeko: [Pizza Guy]: Bitch don’t tell me what to do!
Crazy56U: [Pizza Guy] “...you know what, fuck it, you don’t get pizza today. (leaves
with the pizza)”
“Yeah,” I'll try and remember that... The pizza guy told me sarcastically.
SC276: The pizza guy is us. The pizza guy is officially the best character in this story.
Crazy56U: Pizza Guy is our own personal Jesus.
CaptainPipsqueak: But only if he brings us the pizza.
After I had paid for the pizza, I saw Rainbow Dash peek out from behind the couch.
JofY: Unfortunately, the Pizza Guy hadn’t actually left yet, and one murder later…
ToonGuy: Rapidly feels like an episode of Fargo.
Crazy56U: Or the movie Fargo. ...if you watched it on LSD...
“Hey It's safe now Dashie, you can come out now!.” I signaled.
ToonGuy: With quotation marks….somehow.
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “No! This is comfy, I live here now!”
The mare then jumped over the arm of the couch and walked up to me, flapping her wings to hover up into the counter,
SC276: Headlong into it?!
CaptainPipsqueak: And breaking a leg. At least this Rainbow Dash is just as incompetent as the real one.
Mononeko: I knew it! This WAS all just the narrator’s fucked up fantasy!
Crazy56U: And then some oranges fell over.
sitting next to where I had placed the pizza box and had begun to get out plates to begin serving our slices.
“Hey look um, I'm sorry if I seemed to be moving a little fast back there dude,
ToonGuy: [Dash] “Well it is in my name, but you get what I mean.”
Crazy56U: In fact, it was so fast, I legit think you two were about to fuck!
“I just ugh. she sighs. "Think You're really cool and…All of sudden, I heard a loud rumbling sound coming from Rainbow Dash's stomach.
ToonGuy: “I HUNGER FOR SOULS.”
SC276: And now Rainbow Dash is speaking in third person.
Crazy56U: And then Rainbow exploded. THE END
Abruptly cutting her off in mid sentence. “I think You're really cool to Dashie,” I told her sincerely. “But actually for right now, “I think we should just focus on the pizza.” She then just smiled at me, saying. “Sounds like a plan to me!”
ToonGuy: Broken record much?
SC276: *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!”
Crazy56U: (punches the story) “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* Damn it, this works for Fonzie!
JofY: ...Why are you two just repeating “-plan to me!” over and over?
Crazy56U: Why do you hate having fun?
CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah; you some sort of funazi or somethin’?
I guess Dashie had forgotten with everything that had happened of how incredibly hungry she'd become it seemed I thought.
Opening up the pizza box made Rainbow Dash gasp with excitement. “Oh Celestia, look at all the toppings!" she said in awe.
JofY: [Celestia] “I’m blind you ass!”
CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia] “I’m not even there! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
Crazy56U: [Celestia] “I wanted tacos!”
“That sure does look good!, Let's eat!”
“Oh wait a second, I just remembered. “I have one more surprise for us tonight!.”
JofY: “I’m bringing over my boyfriend!”
Crazy56U: Is the surprise that the story is over soon?
Hastily opening up one of the cabinet doors as I took out one of Rainbow Dashes favorite mix drinks rum and coke! “Oh... Now this is bucken perfect.”
JofY: My favorite drink? Man, this sucks.
Crazy56U: BUCK IS NOT A SWEAR GODDAMNIT!
Said the Pegasus with a smooth and relaxed tone in her voice.
SC276: What is with Dash and alcohol in this story, are you freakin’ kidding me?
Crazy56U: We need to hold an Intervention.
“Thought You'd like that.” I said confidently
SC276: ...Oh wait, this is the guy that went to get the drink. I thought Rainbow went to get it so I could say something about how he somehow managed to see into the future that she’d do that.
Crazy56U: This is the kind of confusion that occurs when you abuse quotation marks like this. Please donate money to the People for Ethical Treatment of Quotation Marks to end this travesty once and for all.
starting to get out some glasses while I mixed the rum and coke together in them.
ToonGuy: There goes both of their livers.
Crazy56U: Nah, I doubt Rainbow’s liver has been intact for a while now...
“Bring the bottle over.” She commanded pointing a hoof. “I want to have some fun tonight!”
JofY: “We’re going to play some football in tuxedos!”
ToonGuy: “And if you don't come, you’re just a chicken, cheeeep-cheep cheep!”
SC276: Drinking and then sex. That’s the entire plot, just watch.
Crazy56U: You want fun, go outside. Fun exists there.
Nox: What is this… Outside you speak of?
“Not sure what that means...” I thought. "Well, Maybe I do?" and what if that doorbell hadn't gone off earlier, would we have..."kissed?"
ToonGuy: “Nuh uh! Because of the cootie plague!”
CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; she’d have jammed her ovipositor down his throat and laid her eggs in his stomach.
Crazy56U: Worse. You would’ve French kissed… (shudder)
“No, come on now!” I can’t jump to any conclusions, It’d just make dinner more awkward for the both of us, which was last thing I want to do. At least I knew now that Dash must've had feelings for me as I did for her, does she want to be my
SC276: Weird place for a sudden paragraph break, author. What, did you hit the text limit on the previous line?
Crazy56U: No, that was his pitiful attempt at building tension...
“I had to stop my mind from racing and ruin the evening I had planned for us, think of the pizza, think of the pizza.
JofY: Think of the innocent pizza!
ToonGuy: OH THE HUMANITY!
CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Pizzaity’. Racist.
ToonGuy: Hey! Many of my best friends are pizzas….I should really get out more.
Mononeko: “Hello, I’m Mononeko. Did you know thousands of pizza slices are eaten all over the world each month?”
Crazy56U: (is eating a slice of pizza) Yeah, the fuck dude?
I repeated to myself silently as we headed over to the dinner table.
Mononeko: While rocking my head back and forth like a madman.
SC276: “Must… resist… urge… to… make out… with… animal…!”
Crazy56U: “Focus on food, not on horse!”
Reaching the table and putting my mind to rest at last, I placed the bottle of rum with the two glasses mixed with the run and coke
SC276: Run and coke a bitch.
Crazy56U: Well, doing cocaine does tend to make one faster...
down as Rainbow Dash took her seat at the end of the six chaired table, while I sat down at the opposite end.
ToonGuy: Waste of perfectly good chairs.
SC276: The guy seems to live alone. Why would he have six chairs, in case one spontaneously combusts?
Crazy56U: He’s just dying for the day he can host a game of Musical Chairs...
Rainbow Dash Immediately dug into her piece of pizza, stretching a long string of cheese from the plate to her mouth. The site made me quietly chuckle to myself saying, “It's that good huh?”
JofY: “This riffing site is hilarious.”
CaptainPipsqueak: “That Captain Pipsqueak guy is the best!”
ToonGuy: “ToonGuy is so HANDSOME!”
SC276: “This SC guy, though, his humor stretches kind of thin and he uses too many obscure references.”
Crazy56U: “And that Crazy guy... God, I loathe him!”
"Mmm, You bet!.” Rainbow Dash exclaimed nodding her head as she continued to eat the delicious pizza, stopping only for a few seconds to take a quick sip of the mixed drink on the side of her plate, before continuing to gorge. Taking a bite myself I had to agree with her, this was the most delicious mixture of toppings on a pizza I had ever tasted!
JofY: It had just the right amount of dead baby.
CaptainPipsqueak: Along with crunchy cockroach and rat crap. He did ask for everything, after all.
SC276: I forgot, do we have any indication of toppings besides meat lover’s?
Crazy56U: No. The pizza is basically 90% meat, 10% pizza.
the run and coke went pretty good with it also.
Waterpear: I lost so much weight since I started drinking rum and coke.
CaptainPipsqueak: It gives the added benefit of not having to drink diet soda. That stuff is vile.
Crazy56U: This is a shitty pizza party.
After we each had a few more bites, the both of us finished off our first plates as Rainbow Dash asked me. “Hey, you want another piece?.” Nah I’m good, that was a pretty big slice; I’m stuffed!”
JofY: How about a mint?
SC276: No, that’s what the teddy bear says.
Crazy56U: You’re giving up after one slice, dude? (scoff) I’m surprised Rainbow still wants to date you. Rainbow’s eaten bigger pizzas than that.
Dash then immediately got up off her chair, going to get a second piece. Galloping with hast into the kitchen
ToonGuy: But not haste, for that would be too fast even for her.
CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Hast’. Slightly faster than fast, slightly slower than haste.
SC276: They’re not eating in the same room as the pizza? Author, have you ever had pizza before?
Crazy56U: She then proceeded to slam her head into the counter again, causing more
oranges to fall.
and flying up to hover over the pizza box. Biting a piece by the crust with her teeth, she flew back to sit in her chair, continuing to eat while occasionally looking in my direction taking a sip of the mixed drink.
ToonGuy: For god’s sake, Dash, SWALLOW ONCE IN A WHILE! And yeah, I know.
Crazy56U: I hope ??? knows how to do the Heimlich maneuver...
Thinking to myself, I wondered just how a four foot tall Pegasi could have a bigger appetite than me?
Crazy56U: Fuck it, I’m reusing it:
(Must be from all that flying) I concluded.
ToonGuy: Well that was informative.
JofY: And now I know!
CaptainPipsqueak: “And knowing is half the battle!”
Crazy56U: Well… you’re not wrong...
The ambient light that was showing from a few candles I had lit in the middle of the table reflected off of her beautiful rainbow mane as she took an even longer sip from the straw in the mixed drink. “I returned in kind with taking an equally long sip from my glass as Rainbow Dash asked me in a soft and alluring tone.
ToonGuy: [Dash] “Pass the anchovies?”
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “You need a napkin, dude? You got pizza all over your
“So, I was wondering...”
“Have You ever wanted to know what it was like to fly like a Pegasus?”
ToonGuy: Not really.
CaptainPipsqueak: Can’t say the thought ever struck me.
SC276: Pretty sure if I did, I’d risk dropping my laptop.
Crazy56U: No, but I have wondered what it would be like to be a dog, so...
Yeah actually, I always wondered what it was like to fly. “With wings” I mean.
Crazy56U: Bullshit, you want a jetpack and you know it.
A slight smile showed on her face at my nervousness to her question. “Well, It's kind of like driving really fast on a motorcycle only...Through the sky, and the feeling of your wings in the fast wind is amazing!”
ToonGuy: …...Really!? You….You didn’t want to edit this not one little bit?
Mononeko: Do you honestly expect ‘yes’ as an answer?
SC276: How do either of them know what driving a motorcycle is like?
Crazy56U: All I choose to take away from this is that I need to play “Super
Scribblenauts” again sometime...
Riding on jet streams and flying fast through clouds. "When I'm up there, It's like a whole other world.”
JofY: Oh, hai Alladin.
Dash said with wonder in her eyes, looking at me intently.
Mononeko: I’m sure looking at him has a purpose in some way.
Crazy56U: ...did Rainbow get a contact high?
“That sounds so amazing Dashie, you're making me want to have wings even more!” I told Her. “If you had wings, I think you'd be a natural born Wonderbolt!”
ToonGuy: As opposed to those poser born Wonderbolts.
Crazy56U: Or the modern day Icarus, crashing into the ground like a rock...
Rainbow Dash exclaimed, taking another sip of her drink. “Aw, thanks Dash. “But I’d never be as fast as you though.” I told the Rainbow mare as she thought for a minute, then saying in a bolstering tone. “Yeah, you’re probably right...”
“Classic Rainbow Dash”
JofY: Opposed to the Neo Rainbow Dash.
SC276: Neo Rainbow City.
Crazy56U: Oh God, she turned into G3 Rainbow Dash...
I thought, adding. “Well, now that I think about it, “ I could probably be able to pull off “four” sonic rainbooms in a row if I had wings!” I confidently told her.
Mononeko: I’m wondering, in which cartoon universe would he end up if he actually managed to do that?
SC276: Hopefully one where he dies instantly.
Crazy56U: No, you’d fly into some power lines and die instantly. Idiot.
“Yeah, that would probity happen on the same day I grew hands!” Dash said as we both then started laughing contagiously, almost falling out of our chairs as the rum and coke we’d been drinking seemed to make everything insanely funny.
ToonGuy: Well, I hope it was worth it. Alcohol poisoning is a bitch.
Crazy56U: (shakes head) If only Rainbow knew about Equestria Girls...
Coming to our senses at long last, Rainbow Dash began looking at me Intently, saying. “There are lots of ways of flying without wings ya know.” The mare told me as her eyes were becoming slightly glazed over from the alcohol. “Like taking Drugs?”
ToonGuy: This is your writing ability on drugs.
SC276: (smashes stuff with a frying pan) And this is your school life…!
JofY: Sure, just break my things… Why is it only my shit that gets broken anyway?
ToonGuy: Because why not.
Crazy56U: (kicks table over) Because we like you.
CaptainPipsqueak: Also, our stuff’s too valuable to break. Seriously, dude; buy some better gear.
JofY: *unintelligible grumbling*
Nox: I’ll ship you some of my furniture for them to break in exchange for Magic the
JofY: Nah. I just need to hurt them back.
Crazy56U: ...rude, much?
JofY: YOU BREAK MY SHIT!
Nox: So, no magic cards then?
Crazy56U: Really rude!
I asked her, Immediately thinking of how stupid that sounded, looking away as I blushed from embarrassment. “No, guess again. “Dash said in a soft tone. “ Um, flying in a jet fighter?"
“Nope, try again stud."
JofY: Then I guess my stud finder is broken.
CaptainPipsqueak: What was that?
Crazy56U: Just be glad he didn’t reference Family Guy, I think they did a stud finder
Rainbow Dash said, starting to run one of her hooves around the edges of the now almost empty glass, looking at me with a small grin as swat was starting to gather along the edges of my four head.
ToonGuy: First of all, FOUR HEADS?! Are you a Hydra? Secondly, SWAT’s a necessity for anything that has four heads!
CaptainPipsqueak: Well, then, everything’s going just as it should be.
SC276: Why, because he’s going to get swatted?
Crazy56U: Well, yes, but not right now...
Now knowing if I didn't get the next guess right she would be probably get fed up.
Crazy56U: As she should have by now...
Of the two answers I had bouncing around my head, I knew one of them would probably just get me bucked upside the head,
Crazy56U: I fucking hate you.
and the other one would be correct.
ToonGuy: Or both of them are wrong….it’s an option.
Crazy56U: Ironically, they were both the same question...
I quickly went with my gut, unsure of my answer as I looked into Dash's eyes and said…
Mononeko: “I’d like to use a lifeline”
Crazy56U: [???] “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”
End of Chapter 2.
JofY: ...That’s an odd thing to say.
CaptainPipsqeak: Especially out loud. Think he’s drunk?
Crazy56U: Ah, the cliffhanger. The cheapest way to make tension ever...
Chapter Three: To Dance With A Rainbow
SC276: In the pale moonlight?
Crazy56U: “Dancing With The Stars” sure is getting desperate...
“Um, dancing? I asked, continuing to look at her nervously. “Correct!”
JofY: ...That’s bullshit!
ToonGuy: She spent all night coming up with those questions.
Crazy56U: Yay, he wins the prize! More story!
Nox: I think more questions would have been a better prize.
Crazy56U: Well, this isn’t a good game show, so...
Dash said with an enthusiastic look on Her face. “I uh, I never really danced before Dash.” I told her as I looked at the ever grinning Pegasus. “You never danced before, seriously!” Added Rainbow Dash.
SC276: And you have?
“Well ya know, I've never really danced with (anyone) persay.
SC276: I don’t think you understand how emphasis works.
Crazy56U: Teach us about emphasis, Josh.
“But. if a song's really good, I've been known to get down pretty hard!
JofY: Aka, faint, foaming at the mouth.
ToonGuy: Oh we know how you ‘go down’ Dashie.
JofY: Yeah, I just said, faint, foaming at the mouth.
Crazy56U: In fact, here’s a song that ??? probably likes!
um, by myself that is… “By yourself huh? is that a code word for something?” Rainbow Dash asked with a smirk, turning her head slightly to the side.
JofY: Yes, correct. Dancing does indeed mean masturbation.
Crazy56U: Yep, it’s code for “doing meth”.
“What? no!” I said hastily.
JofY: “I’m a pure snowflake!”
Crazy56U: [???] “I don’t even own a DDR game!”
“I'm sure you've been dancing a lot of times before,” I asked her quickly.
JofY: “...By dancing, you mean sex, right?”
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “No.”
“Well, maybe sometimes when I go to clubs with the Wonderbolts after the stunt shows. Those party's can get pretty crazy!”
JofY: And by that- Okay, this joke is starting to get stupid.
Crazy56U: Yeah, the club can’t even handle ‘em, they get so nuts...
But I have to confess, I never really dance with anypony when I go with them,” I usually just own the whole dance floor by myself with the moves I can pull off!.”
JofY: “Nobody else can dance while I’m on stage!”
CaptainPipsqueak: Literally. I used to think Twilight was a terrible dancer.
SC276: How can you be awesome at solo dancing and not think you have the rhythm for dancing with a partner?
Crazy56U: So, in other words, you don’t know how to dance?
Rainbow Dash said with the utmost confidence. “Really?, I'd love to see some of those moves.”
JofY: Oh, it’s up, up, up, up, up, up, up………
Mononeko: down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start?
SC276: ~Now I’ll play you all night~
Crazy56U: No, Rainbow, you gotta say it like this: SHOW ME YA MOVES!
I uttered with every ounce of confidence I could muster up. “It Was probably the alcohol talking at that moment I thought; but that wasn't really a big deal seeing as how I was probably about to dance with Rainbow Dash!
JofY: There is no greater dancer!
SC276: Has evidence been shown that Rainbow can dance?
Nox: TAKE THAT! I think this shows that Rainbow can indeed dance.
Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, just shut up and dance, already!
Looking down at my empty glass for a moment and then looking over to see the Pegasus take one more swig from the bottle of rum sitting on the table,
Mononeko: “Man, I need to sober up.”
Rainbow Dash said. “Man this stuff is great!.” As I took a drink from the bottle itself just after her I added. “Only the best for you Dashie!”
SC276: They have glasses, author! Are you telling me they’re that lightweight?
“Shut up...” Rainbow Dash said playfully as she started galloping over, putting her hoof in my hand and dragging me out of my chair, walking over into the living room beside her, clearly very excited as you could imagine.
JofY: Too bad I don’t have an imagination.
ToonGuy: I had one once. I had to put it down.
“So Dash, what shall we dance to?” I asked her. “I don't know, something with a hard beat!” said the excited Pegasi. “I like to feel the music moving through my body while I dance.”
SC276: Will it leave holes?
“Oh really?” I said sarcastically, not being surprised at Dash's answer in the least. “I think I have just the song, I told her as I walked over to my entertainment center, turning on a wireless speaker then syncing it up with my music player, quickly through the various playlists I had on my device.
SC276: Can’t even commit to a specific one?
As I continued to scroll through them, I came across one that said “Equestrian Rave” I had created that was full of DJ Pon 3's remixes and dance tracks.
JofY: Because she came to Earth to learn more about Equestria.
SC276: How’d he even get that? There’s no evidence that the ponies brought anything from Equestria.
Nox: OBJECTION! The evidence clearly contradicts your testimony.
Not knowing what song to play in the long list of tracks, I decided to put it on shuffle hoping that there would be a track hard hitting enough for the rainbow mare to dance to.
JofY: Que slow romantic songs.
SC276: I see you’re going with my usual Yugioh strategy of “leave everything to chance.”
One of the things we’d love to do when she visited was sharing the music from our two worlds with one another, Vinyl Scratch herself had modded my iPod so that their technology could work with it and ours with theirs.
JofY: Unfortunately, it went against the Terms of Service and he was sent into slavery soon after that. If only he read before accepting...
SC276: That should literally only be so difficult as converting file types, right?
That DJ sure was an innovator in her craft, I’d love to see one of her shows some time, If only I could...
SC276: What would happen if Rainbow Dash held one end of a really long cable while world-hopping? Would one end go through that he could plug into his TV and get a live camera feed, or would the entire cable go with her? Why is the story having some sappy romance thing I’m already bored of instead of answering the hard questions?!
I had given Rainbow Dash my old fourth gen iPod when I got the newer model, and It quicky became something she couldn't live without.
JofY: Rainbow, we’re here to talk about your addiction to music.
ToonGuy: This is an intervention. We’ve banned all Metallica songs from here.
Fallen Prime: Overruled. Gimme fuel, gimme fire, etc.
Always playing tracks from Sia or some Nightcore beats while she practiced for upcoming Wonderbolts shows, which sounded a lot like equestrian music due to the pitch raised vocals.
Waterpear: Equestria: the one place that actually likes Alvin and the Chipmunks.
CaptainPipsqueak: Hell, they probably vacation there.
Dash and me pretty much had the same taste when it came to music so she'd always love to discover what I was listening to as I did the amazing music from her world.
SC276: Oh just fuck already.
"The song now starting to play and slowly building up the beat.
JofY: Unfortunately it was supposed to be a slow song and the player was broken.
I saw Rainbow Dash getting into position in the middle of my living room, seeing that we had more than enough space around us to dance. As the beat continued picking up, I saw her back start to move in sync with the music, along with her head and shoulders, as her amazing rainbow mane and tail moved to the ever increasing bass of the electric EDM track.
Waterpear: “the electric electronic dance music.”
It was at this point that I decided to join in, walking up nervously toward Rainbow Dash from behind, with the music starting to vibrate through me as well as the whole house.
ToonGuy: Seconds later, the house exploded. Turns out that’s not really a good thing.
JofY: This is why you shouldn’t buy your house on a fault line.
Dash was up on two hooves now,
Mononeko: Clearly struggling to stand upright and risking getting back injuries.
SC276: What pony dance moves would require standing like that?
moving her front hooves and head from side to side and whipping her prismatic hair back and forth
SC276: She whips- nah, too easy.
as the music played and the EDM track climbed up faster and faster. As I was approaching her, Rainbow Dash immediately turned around,
JofY: Hitting him.
Mononeko: Breaking his skull, causing him to bleed to death? *crosses fingers*
her eyes half closed, clearly enjoying the sound of the music as it vibrated through her whole body.
ToonGuy: I’ll have what’s she having.
“I started to move my hands and shoulders, attempting to keep up her, but Dash clearly knew what she was doing, moving in an ever faster rhythm to the music.
JofY: Everything was out of sync.
SC276: The faster they dance, the more bored I get.
The cyan Pegasus then put her front hooves around the sides of my waist, as I returned with putting my hands on her soft cyan back, making her two wings twitch from my touch beside them. Dash now began to grind up and down furiously against me,
ToonGuy: Well that’s forward. Usually you’d have to pay for someone to do that to you.
SC276: Are we sure she knows how to dance?
feeling the soft coat on her back moving back and forth across my hands as we danced in rhythm to the song, our body's in perfect sync with one another with the dance track continuing to get even more intense by the second.
SC276: I don’t think this author knows how music intensity works.
Rainbow Dash now began to flap her wings and hover off the ground so that she could be the same height as me,
SC276: Have fun dancing when your feet aren’t even on the freakin’ floor!
as I begun to look deep into her dark magenta eyes, as she looked back ever intensely into mine.
SC276: Which were of indeterminate color, apparently.
I noticed looking at Dash that her mane and coat were starting to get slightly matted from all the sweat that was building up from dancing as long we had been, which was sexy as anything to me.
ToonGuy: “Sweat just kinda turns me on…..don’t ask.”
JofY: I’ve seen weirder.
I then whispering in her ear said, “You have some awesome moves Dashie.” Still looking into my eyes she returned with. “Thanks stud, so do you!.”
SC276: Gag me.
With the extended song we’d been dancing to slowly winding down, another truck came on right after it,
JofY: Wait, wha? *truck crashes in*
Nox: There isn’t anything left to break now.
JofY: At least I don’t own the room.
SC276: When suddenly, semi-rig!
this time being a slower electric chill out song that started to play Think, by Kaleida. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkhSZyYmpO4
SC276: Yeah sure, you put a link to this song, and not the other one.
Crazy56U: Heh, nice hyperlinking bud.
Still holding the Pegasus close to me, we started to dance slower.
JofY: Completely out of beat.
ToonGuy: And much like the beat, they couldn’t stop it.
SC276: The beat goes on.
Crazy56U: And on. And on. And on. And fuck that mini-game.
Seeing that her wings had gotten too tired to flap anymore and her breathing had got heavy and steady, she slowly rested down in my arms with her wings coming to a standstill altogether against my back, consoling me gently.
ToonGuy: He won’t be the only one needing consoling after this.
SC276: Wait, I thought they were facing each other. What dance requires one to be behind the other?
JofY: Oh come on, you don’t need to be so analytical.
Crazy56U: (chokes back vomit)
End of chapter 3.
Chapter Four: The World Famous Wing Masseuse
Waterpear: Yep, this chapter is a totally innocent “massage” with no erotic subtext whatsoever.
ToonGuy: Obviously! Why would we mention it otherwise?
JofY: We can’t truly express how little sexual imagery there isn’t in this chapter.
SC276: How can he be world-famous for wing massages, given the world doesn’t know about IRL ponies as evidenced by Rainbow hiding from us- I mean the pizza guy?
Crazy56U: So, in other words… skip this chapter? ...‘k!.
I Held Dashie in my arms, with her head resting just below my neck and on my chest, as she looked up at me and smiled with a look of content in her violet eyes, slowly wrapping her cyan wings around my back.
JofY: We get it! They’re looking at each other, and Dash can’t leave her wings in her pants!
ToonGuy: That sounds super painful.
Pulling herself closer to me, she asked in a quiet tone. “So, how was your first dance?. “You were amazing Dashie!” I told her as she then returned with. “You weren't to bad yourself”
ToonGuy: Why don’t you have her smoke a goddamn cigarette while you’re at it?!
Dash said, resting her head back down onto chest, her beautiful rainbow mane cascading over my hands as I held her closely in my arms.
ToonGuy: *pulls out SWAT gear and puts it on* I. AM. READY. Bring it on.
JofY: What have I said about interfering with the fic?
ToonGuy: BUT…..*throws gear off and starts sulking* Fine.
Nox: You’re in my way, sir.
SC276: This is sounding like some of my own affection RPing, except I give a shit about the characters in those.
The warmth from her cyan coat seemed to warm up my entire body as my left hand held her between her wings, slowly petting them and causing Rainbow Dash to quietly uttered under her breath. “That feels so, ugh, so good.” Slowly, I started to walk over to the couch in the living room, sitting down with the tired Pegasus laying up closely against me. I felt that her wings were quivering slightly beside my hands, causing me to say. “Hey um, Dashie.
JofY: “Are you wearing a vibe right now?”
Those wings must be sore from dancing for that time, did You want me to help take the pain away.?
ToonGuy: And now we’re going into Old Yeller territory. The answer to that question is yes.
“How would you do that?” she added, curiosity looking up at me.
ToonGuy: With a shotgun, I assume.
SC276: Or, barring that, an explosive.
“Why, by giving you one of my world famous wing massages of course!” I exclaimed.
Mononeko: “Because clearly I have experience in giving erotic massages to horses!”
SC276: [Snoopy] “Here is the world-famous wing masseuse on his way to see his next patient.”
Dash then softly chuckled “I’d love You to, that (yawns) sounds awesome.” she whispered, clearly very tired from dancing.
ToonGuy: Or she’s not that into you.
“Dash’s wings then slowly folded back up from the embrace they had around by back as she winced in pain slightly from their action. “Poor Dash, so sore from dancing as long as we did” I thought to myself
SC276: Giving she was on her hind legs the entire time, I thought those would be the most worn-out parts of her body.
JofY: No, no, no. Don’t you know? The part of the body that feels sore never has correlation with what actually is used!
then telling her. “I'll take your pain away, you just relax, OK?”
ToonGuy: No person in history has ever said those words and not been a creep.
Mononeko: Or a serial killer.
Nox: Or a creepy serial killer.
JofY: Or someone who doesn’t know how normal people talk.
She then slowly crawled off of my chest where she'd been resting and laid down on her back, facing away from me on the couch and laying her head on one of the throw pillows down the end, the slow song continuing to play quietly in the background.
ToonGuy: Ye GODS, JUST SCREW EACH OTHER ALREADY.
SC276: Why did he take any chance of getting slow songs if he was initially aiming for high-energy ones? And why are they letting the music continue after they're done dancing?
Her fluffy rainbow colored tail moved back and forth, tickling my leg while her two back hooves gradually stretched out, touching the sides of me as she got more comfortable.
JofY: Is this going to turn into tickle porn of all things?
SC276: Anything to make this shit more interesting. Hell, I think I want freakin’ Slenderman back.
I began to lift both my hands up now, positioning them over her back and slowly resting them down on either side of her wings.
The Pegasus's cyan fur seemed to glow with luminescence from the moonlight that was cascading in from the window,
ToonGuy: AAAAH! SHE’S A STEPHANIE MEYER CHARACTER!!! KILL IT!!!
SC276: The afterglow comes after the sex, author! And I’m not actually sure it’s a real thing regardless!
JofY: She’s nuclear! That can’t be good!
making her appear all the more beautiful as I started moving my hands up her sour wings, rubbing in little circles up to the center of the secondary feathers then stretching my arms slowly up her back massaging them ever so gently as to not hurt the Pegasus.
ToonGuy: You’re hurting us! But I suppose you don’t care about that!
Continuing to the primary feathers on her folded up wings, I moving back-and-forth over Dash’s back, feeling the soft fur of her coat rubbing against my forearm yet again, until I felt her wings gradually begin to relax from my motions and unfold even more from there half closed state.
ToonGuy: You know, this has to be the most prolonged wing boner I’ve seen.
SC276: Are we having fun yet.
I now began to move my hands up either sides of Rainbow Dashes now;
JofY: Ack! *gets flooded by Rainbow Dashes*
Mononeko: Oh my god, they’re everywhere!
fully erect wings,
JofY: Show me on the doll where the wing touched you.
applying a gentle amount of pressure as I felt around the edges of each one of her outer feathers moving on to the primaries just after,
JofY: Oh, god. Do I need to know anything about anonymity to read this?
rubbing them in between my fingers as she grasped from my actions.
JofY: Ah, premature ejactulation.
SC276: Do we have to sit through every detail of this. When you can’t even describe what your main character looks like.
Really getting to see them extended to their full span was an incredible sight to behold, and the moonlight shining through the window just made them look well... “20% cooler.”
Waterpear: Than what, a volcano?
ToonGuy: Than Firecrotch McGee over here with his deadly masseuse hands.
Continuing to work out the tension from her aching wings, I heard a soft moan coming from the mare who was still laying face down on the couch.
JofY: Dat memory foam.
Now digging her forehooves into the arm of sofa as her body quivered from the sensations I was giving her,
ToonGuy: Okay, this is just getting boring…..
SC276: Gee, ya think.
continuing to massage around her entire left and right wings simultaneously with my hands grasping each of them slightly and slowly working my way down the various feathers to the two bottom joints then moving my hands deeply into the base of where they met her back, the place I could tell she was most tense being a trained wing masseuse and all like I was. (OK that was a lie... but I was clearly doing something right)
ToonGuy Unfortunately for you, because you weren’t trained, you missed the signs that you weren’t massaging her wings, you were actually snapping her spine.
JofY: Yes, if you were a proper masseuse, you’d know that the spine is located in the wing.
ToonGuy: His grasp of Pony Biology is as good as mine.
“Slowly, I pressed my two hands under the base of her wings feeling her soft coat yet again as I worked them in gentle circular motions, now applying some more pressure as Rainbow Dash whispered in a soft voice. “Yeah that's the spot right ugh, there.”
ToonGuy: God, if this is how she is when being massaged, I’d hate to see her when... ACTUAL SEX IS HAPPENING. Which at this rate should be in about March of next year.
Groaning slightly from the feeling of her pain slowly being massaged away, as I continued to work on her wings for a few more moments, gradually coming to a stop.
JofY: As her life, came to an end.
SC276: Can we go home yet?
I looked at Rainbow Dash's face to see just how relaxed she had become from the massage, beginning to smile with content at the amazingly blissful look on her face, pain free at last and on cloud nine,
JofY: I honestly have to wonder what’s wrong with the 8th cloud?
no pun intended ; )
Waterpear: You’re only allowed to use that smiley in narration if you’re Aaron from Undertale.
SC276: And given you’re not using all the time, you most certainly are not.
I then gazed up at the clock on the wall to find out it was almost two AM in the morning, we had so much fun that night I didn't want it end!
JofY: Don’t you dare be another one to try and break time!
SC276: I don’t know what time you started, but I highly doubt eating dinner, dancing to like three songs max - unless all three were that one song that had to be split into like twelve parts for Rock Band - and giving a massage would last you until two in the morning. From dinner time.
sometimes I wish I could just freeze time to make moments like these last just a little bit longer, if only for a minute or two.
SC276: Oh god no, you’ll bore us to death.
I thought, still gazing at the beautiful Pegasus lying on the couch smiling with content in her state of absolute bliss.
End of chapter 4.
Chapter Five: The Confession
ToonGuy: Is it an apology? Because that’s the only thing that can marginally make me feel better right now.
Mononeko: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...”
Crazy56U: “Forgive me Fa-” DAMN IT, you stole my joke...
Nox: ” I keep telling you, this is an outhouse! The confessional is that way.”
SC276: ~I guess I gotta give you part five of my confessions...~
Rainbow Dash then slowly turned around and sat up next to me, placing one of her hooves in my hand and resting her head against my shoulder.
JofY: Is there a bomb attached to the two, and if they’re ever not touching then they explode?
Crazy56U: What a journey.
Whispering to me in a soft tone she said “Hey, thanks for an awesome time tonight. You really are a world famous wing masseuse.”
ToonGuy: Can’t be world famous if no one knows who the hell you are.
JofY: What even is your name?
Crazy56U: I’ve pretty much established that it’s ???. Like that one character in The
Binding of Isaac...
Nox: I just realized that I could be playing that right now. Why the HELL am I not playing that right now!?
SC276: Because you’re playing Undertale?
Nox: No… that was last week. This week, I’m playing The Consuming Shadow: Insanity Edition.
she added with a light smile. I said nothing as I begun to stroke her beautiful rainbow mane, feeling its softness and watching the colors flow across my hand as she nuzzled her head into me.
ToonGuy: Why don’t you just SNIFF the damn hair and get it over with?
Crazy56U: Now, now, that would be crossing a line...
With everything that had happened that night, I felt compelled as ever to tell her just how much I loved her.
JofY: Not at all.
Crazy56U: Trust me, you don’t want to do that.
Over the past few months I could feel that we were growing closer,
JofY: Well of course, living things do grow after periods of time.
Crazy56U: And sometimes they die.
they always did say that the best relationships start out as friendships,
SC276: I’ve heard… literally the exact opposite.
and here I was with the most amazing Pegasus a guy could ask for.
ToonGuy: Really? You sure about that?
SC276: I thought Derpy was best pegasus?
The nicest, most loyal friend I'd ever met.
It was killing me not saying anything over past few weeks.
JofY: It literally gave him cancer.
Crazy56U: He has cancer of the dialogue. Heard that did a number on Attack of the
But now, I'd hit my breaking point, I needed to tell her my feelings, if I didn't say anything right now I would never forgive myself!
SC276: This is like the visual novel school of writing or something. Which reminds me of something I’d rather be doing with Scarlet right now...
I needed to tell this beautiful mare how I felt about her! how much I loved, and wanted to be with her!
ToonGuy: You really don’t.
Now gathering up as much courage as I could, getting ready to say something, she all of a sudden tilted her head up slightly to look at me. “So I was thinking, we've been seeing each other for a while now and...she stopped her next words suddenly.
SC276: Oh joy, they were both going to confess at the exact same time, isn’t that fucking something, they’re perfect for each other.
“What is it? I asked, continuing to caressed her rainbow mane. “Nothing,” Dash said with a sigh as I was getting mesmerized by her violet eyes. “Come on, tell me. You can tell me anything you know,” I returned with a caring tone in my voice petting her gently on the head.
ToonGuy: [Dash] “Patronize me again like that and you’ll be spitting glass for a week!”
SC276: Also, the guy was just going over in his head that he needed to confess his love right the fuck now, and yet he’s letter her talk.
Rainbow Dash then uttered nervously.
“I was just um…”
JofY: Hey, guys… The fic is starting to become misaligned.
Crazy56U: (straps self into seat) Yeah, how about that…
SC276: Wait, those are in the source?!
“ Was going to say…”
JofY: *trips* Guys! A little help here?
Crazy56U: (passes over an umbrella) Here, it works in the
SC276: *clings to Crazy’s seat*
“I LOVE YOU!”
JofY: *slips* AH
Mononeko: Hey, are you down here too?
ToonGuy: What, but you were so subtle about it. Also, what’s it like down there?
Mononeko: Dark, creepy and completely devoid of any happiness.
CaptainPipsqueak: So, not worth the trip, then?
Mononeko: Nah, just stay up here and you’ll be fine.
Crazy56U: ...well, that was fun!
SC276: And the plot went pretty much exactly as expected, sparing the main character any requirement of effort and completely ruining the character of Rainbow Dash. Is next week Catch again? Can we just go to that so I can freakin’ feel something?
Rainbow Dash all of a sudden exclaimed loudly with great relief in her voice, finally able to get out her feelings out at long last. I just grinned at her words, knowing now that she did care about me as much as I did for her. Not saying another word and still looking into her eyes, I told her with sincerity.
ToonGuy: “Let’s go defile nature.”
Crazy56U: Yeah! Fuck you Captain Planet!
SC276: “By your powers combined, I am blowing this popsicle stand!”
“I love you too Dashie, I always have from the moment I met you, you're the most amazing, caring, and best friend I could ask for!
JofY: “And then I met anybody else.”
and I've been holding in these feelings for too long, I should've told you how I felt weeks ago and…” Rainbow Dash placed her hoof on my mouth,
ToonGuy: I hope she washed it.
stopping my next sentence. “It's OK” she uttered with a soft tone in her voice, then right after getting up from where she had been sitting and climbed on top of me, straddling herself around my waist and placing her forehooves on either side of my neck, while her back hooves wrapped themselves tightly around my sides.
ToonGuy: I’d say we’re skipping a few steps, but we just had massage sex practically, so… yeah.
Mononeko: Oh Jesus, here it comes...
SC276: Watch, this is going to be as dull at the rest of the fic.
She then caressed my cheeks in a caring motion with the back end of her left hoof as she began to move her face ever closer to mine.
JofY: Wow. That is incredibly not sexy.
I didn't hesitate for a second, meeting the Pegasus halfway, gently kissing the mare I cared about so much at long last.
ToonGuy: …..Must be awkward doing that. Biology be DAMNED!
Rainbow Dash applied more pressure to my lips and I returned with equally as much,
JofY: Causing the two to actually fuse.
SC276: Like in that first Pikachu short with the Raichu, except less electric mice.
feeling her hot breath against my skin as she pushed me back into the couch, the moonlight still shining through the window outside making her cyan coat glow luminescent yet again as we continued to kiss passionately for a few more moments.
ToonGuy: For god’s sake, how much hair oil is in her fur right now!?
JofY: All of the oil.
Crazy56U: (pulls out a match) One way to find out...
We finally released our lips from what felt like an eternity, the both of us still breathing heavily from what just happened. “You're an amazing kisser, that was so awesome!” Rainbow Dash said catching her breath as she placed her hooves on my head gently stroking my hair as I begun to stroke her rainbow mane, looking deep into her magenta eyes. “You were pretty awesome too.”
JofY: “I know.”
SC276: You just kissed, you haven’t gotten to the actual sex yet.
Crazy56U: I could be spending my time doing better things. Like watching this again.
I told her out of breathy with sincerity in my voice continuing to run my hands down her soft mane, watching the colors move past my arm. Rainbow Dash looked up at me for a moment and then started to say.
ToonGuy: [Dash] “Any pizza left?”
SC276: [Dash] “This unit will self-destruct in 3… 2...”
“Hey, I need to tell you something, but I. I don’t know if I should…” The Rainbow mare told me with a concerned look at her face.
JofY: [Dash] “I’m pregnant.”...Oh, GOD I’M JOKING! I’M JOKING!
Crazy56U: (smacks JofY in the face) Don’t tempt fate.
“What is it?.” I asked, kind of thinking that it had something to do with what happened back in the kitchen earlier, and how Dash acting strange like she was possibly hiding something, but what?
ToonGuy: The fact that she’s into you? Maybe? Perhaps? Not adding actual plot, are we?
SC276: I’m already losing track of the fic. Didn’t they already confess their love for each other?
“Okay, but please don’t be mad, Rainbow Dash said worryingly. “I’d never get mad at you Dashie, remember, you can tell me anything. “I love you so much and there is nothing we can’t talk about.” I told her reassuringly as she began to relax, if even a small bit, knowing that my words were the truth, giving me a quick kiss on the lips before saying. “I know dude.”
ToonGuy: “DUDE! Righteous!”
SC276: Get on with it!
“OK. Do you remember a few weeks ago when I told You that um, humans couldn't crossover into our world.” She said turning away from me. “Well, It, (sighs) It was a lie...”
ToonGuy: [???] “You know what else was a lie? Me not getting MAD!!!”
JofY: “There’s even a ‘Human in Equestria’ tag.”
SC276: [Dash] “I’m surprised I had to tell you. The fact that there’s no actual reason given for why this stuff would only work one-way was an obvious giveaway.”
JofY: To be fair, there could be any number of B.S. reasons either way.
A few tears started falling from her eyes at those words as she continued. “Twilight had told me to say that after Princess Celestia agreed with the royal counsel that no human would ever be allowed to cross into our dimension because of the fears that war, violence, and disease, may destroy our world Equestria, as we know it.
SC276: [Dash] “Basically, we don’t trust your shit.”
ToonGuy: Yeah! It’s not like anything bad could come from their universe, right? All they have a superpowered evil sides of them, chaos gods, an entire race that feeds off love that can turn into anyone they want, a evil so dark it was sealed in a pit and guarded by Cerberus, time travel that could alter the course of history and did we mention the paraspites!?
JofY: To be fair, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t protect themselves.
They all agreed that If humans knew about our world and knew they could travel to it, It would put all our lives in danger.”
SC276: To be fair, the military would be researching the hell out of the combat uses of magic really quickly. It’d be the Cold War all over again.
She explained to me as more and more tears fell from her eyes, continuing to tell me everything of this revealed truth.
SC276: Why is she crying? Because she feels bad about lying to him or something?
“And so, when Twilight would borrow your books, she wasn’t just reading them herself, but also “reporting” what she had learned to the royal counsel,
JofY: [Twilight] “I have seen from their literature that some people are able to show how they fight if they are pierced by an arrow!”
SC276: Does this mean that ponies are now basically Undyne?
who then had Vinyl Scratch put a device in that iPod you gave me that would download information in real time from your worlds internet to their database to further research human history.
ToonGuy: So they’re all evil now?
JofY: Those damn evil humans! If only they could be changed into ponies.
SC276: OK, uh, one, breach of privacy. Two, iPods - distinct from iPhones - can’t connect to the Internet on their own far as I know. Three, why would a DJ know how to do that?
Only coming to the conclusion that no human would be allowed to come into our world after witnessing all the wars and plagues that humans had gone through in history.”
JofY: To be fair, all of the violence in Equestria only happens every thousand years.
Crazy56U: And/or the beginning and end of every season.
Rainbow Dash now looks back at me, her red from from all the tears, saying.
ToonGuy: HEEEY, YEYAY, YAYYAY, HEY, YEAH, YAY, I SAY HEY! What’s going on?!
SC276: ~Oh my god do I cry…!~
“And they only wanted me to tell you this lie, to make you think that it was impossible to travel to our world when Twilight had noticed how close you and me were getting and they knew that you would trust me to tell the truth!” She says, before throwing herself into me, hugging my chest tightly as I feel her trembling against me.
ToonGuy: Rainbow Dash, quivering fragile daisy? *beat* BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right, good one.
JofY: Oh, cry me a river.
SC276: I’d probably feel a bigger emotional impact if it wasn’t an overly-long sentence with unnatural word choice.
“Rainbow Dash’s eyes continued to water, a few tears dripping onto my shirt, pulling away before telling me. “Look, I get it if you don't want to see me anymore. I um, I can just go back to my world right now if you want me to. I’ll understand if you never want to “sniffles” see me, I know I wouldn't…” Dash now looked up at me, as if she was about to lose someone close to her.
ToonGuy: Oooh, we still got any of those world’s smallest violins still left?
JofY: I’ve got one of the largest.
Crazy56U: (pulls out a banjo) This counts, right?
SC276: When in any story ever has a revelation that’s this much not-her-fault prevented a sex scene?
Gazing back at her emotionally exhausted face, I tried to comprehend everything she’d just told me,
ToonGuy: And failed. Miserably.
Mononeko: Just like the readers.
Crazy56U: And then his brain exploded.
thinking of how wrong it was to put a burden this heavy on her like they had, but also at the same time, understanding what Twilight and Celestia were afraid of. Over the years I’ve seen the worst of mankind, but also the best of what we could be.
ToonGuy: OH MY GOD, SHUT THE HELL UP. SERIOUSLY. I know we were joking, but IS THIS A STEALTH PREQUEL TO CONVERSION BUREAU?
JofY: All fics are… All fics are.
Crazy56U: Just like how all TV shows supposedly take place in Tommy Westphall’s
mind, all fanfics take place in “The Conversion Bureau”.
SC276: Dude, unless you were alive to see the bombs drop on Japan, I really don’t think you’ve seen the worst of humanity.
Although with the thought of possibly never getting to see their world saddened me, I knew all I ever needed to make me the happiest guy in my world was sitting right in front of me, crying her eyes out.
ToonGuy: You want her to be crying her eyes out? Dick.
SC276: Also, she’s on her own TV cartoon show, so you can see her world there. I mean, c’mon.
Realizing then, at that very moment, that just because I could never go to their world (legally anyway,)
SC276: Wait, isn’t Dash on the lam from her own dimension for coming here in the first place?
Doesn’t mean I couldn't live my life by their message of acceptance and peace
JofY: Yes, their message of peace, and acceptance, and don’t come near me you violent sicko.
and also, that friendship was magic, the most powerful magic in the known universe by that matter. I had met the most meaningful friend and now mare-friend I’ll ever meet with Dash, and that’s all that mattered to me. And even though their world was just a few dimensions away,
I felt like our species was still a long way from Equestria, as I once heard in a song.
SC276: What song?
Thinking that maybe someday, we'll be ready to accept a peaceful world like they had made, overcoming differences and accepting each other for who they are, something my world still needed to understand a great deal.
ToonGuy: Are you finished moralizing?
But I feel someday. No, I know someday, we will all be in a peaceful world.
ToonGuy: You haven’t? Okay then. I’ll just go and drink myself into a coma.
JofY: ...Are you going to force me to pull out the Superman 4 ending speech?
CaptainPipsqueak: Oh bullshit; everyone knows there were only two Superman movies.
Crazy56U: Technically three if you count The Iron Giant...
SC276: I’m pretty sure humanity’s going to have a tough time synchronizing on a True Pacifist run...
If Equestria could change from a war torn world where Pony's fought and died over land much like we have done countless times in our own past and still continue to do.
SC276: What evidence is there that Equestria had a violent history?! I mean, sure, there was that stuff depicted in the Hearth’s Warming play, but that wasn’t over land rights!
To the incredible world of love and peace they have today, I knew there was hope that my planet could change.
JofY: And there will be peace. There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them. ...You just made me quote Superman 4. I hope you’re happy.
And I wanted Rainbow Dash, the love of life right by my side so that we could witness that day, together.
Mononeko: Dear god, would you please shut up!
ToonGuy: CAPTAIN PLANET WAS MORE SUBTLE THAN YOU!
Coming to this realization I quickly put my hands around the the saddened Pegasus and pulled her close to me, hugging her tightly and saying, “Never want to see me again? Dash look.”
JofY: “I’m blind.”
SC276: That’s not even the right quote.
I told her as she looked into my eyes unsure of what I was about to say.
SC276: That’s because he hasn’t said it yet. It’s called “the natural flow of time.”
“Just because I’m not allowed to go to your world, doesn't mean I don’t want to see you again.” I told her, wiping the tears away from her sad violet eyes. “I understand that us as a people, well we have a lot of growing up to do, and I feel we could learn a lot from your would Dashie.
SC276: [narrator] “Which is why we have a little girl’s TV show about it.”
I know this, because I have.” Rainbow Dash then added, “But that's just the thing, you’d never hurt any of us, I don’t understand why they can't just let you come. It’s not fair!” She exclaimed.
SC276: Dude, you’ve met, like, one guy. Who’s a generic nice-guy self-insert OC.
Then, she told me something that I'll never forget.
“All my life I felt like I’ve been searching for something that was missing and, I’d thought I’d found it when I got accepted as leader of the Wonderbolts last Year.
JofY: “And I did! Bye!”
You see, even though I was now living the dream I had ever since I was just a filly, I still felt like something was missing from my life.
ToonGuy: [Dash] “My contact lenses, I’m blind as Flutterbat without them.”
But when I first met you, I knew right then and there that I had found it, I just, I love you so much dude. I never want to leave you.” Rainbow Dash said
SC276: [Dash] “Which is good, because I’m still kinda a fugitive from pony law.”
then starting to blush nervously having just told me how she felt.
ToonGuy: Thanks, I never would have guessed.
I then moved my hands up her shoulders, feeling the soft fur on her neck, holding her close and looking deeply into her eyes, kissing her on the forehead. “Dash, I felt the same way when I first met you, these past three months have been amazing and I don’t want some silly law to get in the way of us being happy. “I Love You with all my heart Dashie and I’m not going to let anything change that for us.”
ToonGuy: You’re STILL GOING?!
SC276: You know what one of the best parts of There She Is!, a web series about forbidden love, was? It didn’t have babbling-on dialogue.
Thinking of what to say for a few seconds, Rainbow Dash told me with a smile of contentment, “You’re right, I’m not either. Buck that stupid law!
JofY: Fuck Twilight!... Wait…
Crazy56U: Fuck the police!
SC276: Disregard the constabulary!
I just need you, and by Celestia if anything is going to change that…”
SC276: So, does that mean you’re willing to throw away your past friendships that have been helping keep Equestria safe for five seasons? Expected behavior at his juncture.
Dash told me with passion in her voice, right after moving herself closer to my face, kissing me as passionately as the words she had just spoken.
ToonGuy: So it was like kissing a cold wet fish.
SC276: And again with the kissing, oy!
I returned in kind, expressing my love for the fastest Pegasus in all of Equestria.
SC276: If you’re using turn of phrases like that, that’s the sign you’re being too verbose for your vocabulary to support.
Breaking off the kiss a few moments later as Dash told me slyly. “That gets better every time.” she said right before I added. “It sure does.”
ToonGuy: Does it though? DOES IT REALLY? I think you’re talking out of your ass.
Looking over at clock on the wall again, I saw it was almost four am and even if we wanted to go further, I could tell she was really tired at this point, just as tired as I had become.
JofY: Aww… Aren’t we going to see some sex?
SC276: You’ve just spent two hours or so kissing and crying? Gheeze, stamina of a beast.
From everything we said and did tonight, It would sure be a night I’d remember for the rest of my life. I thought looking at my Dashie.
ToonGuy: OH GET ON WITH IT.
JofY: Yes! Get on with it!
For the few times she did end up spending the night in my home, I had set up an air mattress in the spare bedroom upstairs next to mine for Her to sleep in.
Mononeko: What a waste of a perfectly good air mattress…
JofY: I got to imagine that a pony would be heavy as hell. How did a mattress support her?
SC276: What, she can’t sleep on Earth clouds or something?
But, what now?
JofY: ‘Guess I should just kill her.’
SC276: Congratulations, author, you admit you had no plan whatsoever going into this story.
I thought gently petting her soft mane. “Well it's getting late I said in sleepy tone “We’d better get to bed huh.” Not knowing how she’d respond. “Rainbow Dash suddenly picked her head up and asked me.
JofY: “AAAAAAHH!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HEAD!?!”
Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “My head’s detachable and yours isn’t! Sucks to be you!”
“Hey, would it be okay if I slept in your bed tonight, ya know, with you?” A now smile started to grow on her face, already knowing the answer.
ToonGuy: [???] “No way! It’s my bed! Get your own!”
CaptainPipsqueak: “Anyway, you trot in your sleep and I don’t need to be stepped on, thanks.”
SC276: The minute she starts tossing and turning, he’s a freakin’ pancake.
“I was taking back at just how cute her question was.
SC276: Taking back what, the video to the rental store? Man, I feel old all of a sudden.
“Of course it's okay! I want you to Dashie.” She then gave me a gentle kiss on my lips, returning with “Thanks, but I already knew you were going to say yes.“
JofY: Ah, manipulation.
I know.” I told her as she held into my chest, looking at me with those big innocent eyes then saying. “Carry me?”
JofY: According to some quick research, your average pony weighs around 225 to 360 kg. He’s not gonna be able to.
Crazy56U: Not unless he lifts with his knees...
I knew at that moment she was using her full on cuteness to her advantage but I obliged,
SC276: This is how the death spiral starts.
getting off the couch and slowly making my way to the staircase, holding the Pegasus I cared about so much as she nestled into me, holding on tightly as I continued making my way up the stairs to my bedroom.
ToonGuy: So this is basically the pony version of the Room. “Oh hai, I love Rainbow Dash so much, she is part of my life I cannot go on without her, you are TEARING ME APART RAINBOW DASH!”
“Opening the door and walking over to the large bad in the middle of the room,
Mononeko: ‘cause I’m baaaad, I’m baaaad. You know it...
SC276: The exact middle? Who doesn’t put at least one side of the bed against the wall?
JofY: Damn hipsters...
now sitting down on the bed as Rainbow Dash slowly crawled off of me, laying sideways on my bed, looking at me and smiling gently with a look of love and longing in her eyes, resting her head on some pillows before opening her mouth, eliciting a loud yawn that caused me to yawn just as loudly.
SC276: *uses Google* ...As I thought, that’s not what “elicting” means.
The moonlight cascading through the windows was all the light we needed to see,
JofY: Aside from dawn’s morning light.
shining off Dash’s cyan coat yet again, making her glow in the night.
JofY: Uh… That may want to be checked on.
SC276: Did she get that crystal makeover before coming here?
I quickly laid down next to her as she started to move closer to where I was laying, as we looked deep into each others eyes, Dash began to unfold one of her wings, placing it around my shoulder and caressing me lovenly.
Mononeko: Yes, this is a very lovenly moment.
I returned with placing my arm around the back of her neck gently petting Dashies soft cyan coat
SC276: If I hear “cyan coat” one more time, I’m gonna freakin’ shank somebody.
as we moved In for a full embrace her rainbow colored tale wrapped itself around my leg
Mononeko: Please make her tale be better than the shit I’m reading now.
as her forehoof grasped my chest and her back hoof intertwined around my leg.
SC276: That is a very flexible hoof.
I reached for the dark blue fleece blanket on the other side of her pulling it over us, remembering that I had forgotten to switch the heat on as I was heading upstairs, but I knew that Dashes body heat with mine would be more than enough to keep us comfortable throughout the cold night.
JofY: What is it now? 3… 4 am?
Crazy56U: Let me check. (checks watch) ... (shakes watch) ...damn, I think it died…
SC276: Fuck, we actually had a casualty of bad fanfiction. We hardly knew ye, watch.
Pulling the blanket fully over us, Rainbow Dash whispered. “I want to stay like this forever.” she uttered with a caring tone in her voice as I returned with. “I'll never leave your side,
SC276: [narrator] “Even if I have to sew us together.”
JofY: [Dash] “But you’re right now in front of me!”
“I want to be with you forever Dashie, I love you so much.” I told her sincerely as a few tears begin to fall from my eyes. Still gazing at me she added. “I want to be with you forever too dude.
JofY: [Dash] “Surf’s up.”
“I love you, so, bucken, much…” she told me, slowly drifting off to sleep.
I felt the utmost compassion in her words as I gradually fell off to sleep in her embrace, dreaming of flying with the Pegasus I cared for and loved so much till the end of time. Pulling off amazing tricks that would make the other Wonderbolts proud.
SC276: Even though you’re not a pegasus.
JofY: [Random Wonderbolt] “Stupid human, stealing our achievements…”
RingmasterJ5: ...And because this apparently needs to ALWAYS happen now, turns out the sequel the guy mentioned at the very start of the fic also fits under our wordcount limit. So, here’s “A Pegasus in the Sky”.
JofY: ~I can fly twice as high.~
Crazy56U: ...well, I can’t be mad this time, I did make a point of being upset that we were doing the riff out of order...
Mononeko: *groan* there’s more...
SC276: There’s another one?!
It's Been three weeks since Rainbow Dash and I confessed our love to each other, and here I was.
Crazy56U: [???] “In jail. Because of that damn horse…”
SC276: [narrator] “Dash, when I said ‘floor it,’ I didn’t mean ‘flatten the car!’”
Laying on my bed after a long and stressful day at work thinking about how much I missed the mareI loved and held most dear, imaging holding her close to me. Longing to feel the warmth of her soft cyan coat agence me once more.
Rainbow Dash's next visit wouldn't be for another three days or so. As she was all booked up doing shows with her fellow Wonderbolts Soarin and Spitfire all around Equestria until then.
CaptainPipsqueak: “So all I had to keep myself occupied was my right hand.”
SC276: Wait, she left Equestria against orders last fic. She was welcomed back? I would’ve liked to hear that instead of this!
I had given Dashie one of those Gopro camera's for her birthday last month so she could film some of her shows with it to show me on her visits.
JofY: Twilight then confiscated it claiming that it was a camera just another brazen example of violence.
Dash got some really impressive footage over the weeks,
JofY: I see he also bought the pony helmet attachment.
the acrobatic flying moves that Pegasus could pull off made me dizzy just watching them.
Mononeko: Or maybe that was just because of the shaking camera. Remember, never record while flying.
I remembered hearing how hard long distance relationships could be, not to mention
JofY: ‘I just don’t get how those displac-’ *pukes*
I was missing her with every thought that would visualized Itself into my subconscious, I had to focus.
SC276: But he was failing miserably.
“It's just three more days now, not even that at this point!” I thought, finally collecting myself from my vivid thoughts and wiping away a tear that had begun to fall from one of my eyes, slowly getting up off my bed and reaching for my camera I kept on the nightstand next to me,
SC276: Dude, if you’re getting this distraught over not being able to see someone, that’s evidence you have no life whatsoever.
picking it up and looking at it for a few seconds then presiding to turn it on going through the various pictures I had taking over the course of the past two months, seeing all the memories I had shared with Dashie.
JofY: Seeing all the times they ran-on.
From the time we went to that drive in movie, to her reaction to seeing Indiana Jones for the first time.
We couldn't do a lot out of the house because of someone possibly seeing her, so we had to do things where there wasn't a lot of people, like a park at dusk or a drive in movie,
SC276: If this were like the ‘50s, not even that would be an option.
of which she could just hide in my SUV because of the blacked out windows.
SC276: If the windows were blacked out, how did you watch the film?
Among all the pictures of the Rainbow mare where shots of various sunsets I had taken,
It was just a hobby, but I always liked to get a shot of the dusk at the end of the day from my bedroom window if it looked interesting enough, I did have a perfect view of them after all.
JofY: A view of a wonderful brick wall.
SC276: If just looking at the sun hurts your eyes, and looking at it through binoculars or some other magnification would blind you, I don’t think that camera’s in very good condition.
Almost every night she was here, we'd love to watch the sun go down together.
SC276: What I’d like to see is Rainbow’s mind being blown when she found out the sun moves by itself here.
So, in a way you could say they also served like many of the photos of Rainbow Dash herself, as memories to remember how awesome I felt being with her that day or what interesting things we did or accomplished, like practicing up on my drawing or writing stories of which without her input,
I could never think of what to say next…
Being she just finished her 3rd Daring Do fan fiction, Dash would always have good pointers to help me out with pacing or charter development.
Mononeko: Grammar however...
Continuing to look through the photos for sometime, I couldn't stop thinking about the mare I cared so deeply for, wishing that she would just appear in front of me right then and there,
SC276: Cue convenient timing.
I'd never been more madly in love with her and wished she would always be here with me or that I could always be in her world with her. But I knew she had to go back for her job as a Wonderbolt of which Rainbow Dash lived the dream doing what she loved to do,
JofY: After all, he was only third best.
flying as fast as her cyan wings could take her, doing advanced tricks that had broken all the records at the elite flyers training academe she had attended.
SC276: Is this narrative going to talk in as many circles as the last one?
Collecting myself from my thoughts yet again,
JofY: Me? Have you been hanging out with my thoughts again? How many times do I have to tell you they’re a bad crowd?
I switched the camera from playback to photo mode readying it to get some shots, as I walked over to the window I saw that the golden light of the late afternoon was at its most impressive, cascading in from the two windows on either side of my bedroom. In between them I had a wonderbolts poster along with a DJ Pon 3 consort AD that Rainbow Dash had given me for my birthday a few weeks ago.
JofY: Wow, what an unnecessary detail.
ToonGuy: I disagree! I want to hear all about it IN PAINSTAKING DETAIL.
CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, leave out not one single point. Wow us.
Our birthdays where only a few weeks apart making October my favorite month of the Year.
JofY: Their birthdays were in March but it was because of that, that October was their favorite.
Even though as much as I hated getting older.
JofY: Dang whippersnapper!
Seeing Dash’s expression to what I had gotten her made the whole day better though. I loved bringing her joy, but I knew there would be nothing I could give her that could bring Rainbow Dash as much happiness as she gave me just being here so I could share my life with her.
SC276: So, presents are a useless gesture? Thanks for the romance tip!
I made my way to the left window by the poster, parting the two dark red curtains and peering out the window as the golden light shone through the pane of glass onto hands, warming them up.
JofY: Wait a second… IT’S MELTING THEM!
I now was squinting to try and see if there were any interesting clouds or weather effects that would make for an interesting photo,
ToonGuy: “That one looks like a middle finger!”
as my eyes adjusted to the light, I could make out a few oval shaped clouds glowing from the radiant light of the setting sun continuing to look to my left, I kept on seeing more interesting patterns until I gazed upon one that looked familiar to me, like someone I knew and loved with than anything else in this or any other world.
JofY: It looked like a cotton ball.
CaptainPipsqueak: Or a pizza.
SC276: Why yes, your world has decided it wants nothing to do with this one, go ahead and fly around in BROAD DAYLIGHT.
Because right then, there was a cloud glowing from the now almost set sun that appeared to have hooves a tail! and I could maybe make out some wings?
ToonGuy: Well we don’t know! You’re the one describing it! What are we supposed to say!?
Gazing up with disbelief I yell out in my thoughts.
“It was in the shape of a Pegasus!,”
JofY: The invasion has begun.
“It was my Dashie!”
CaptainPipsqueak: No, I think you’ll find that’s she’s her Dashie; she just deigns to be in your presence.
Quickly, I raised the camera up, getting it InFocus
CaptainPipsqueak: ...a privately owned video accessory company based in Oregon...
SC276: What a twist.
to take the best shot I could right before the sun fully set and I would miss my chance.
JofY: If only he took the lense cap off.
Pressing the shutter button repeatedly, I took a few shots making sure that one would come out good right after doing so the Pegasus cloud formation slowly faded as the jetstream took it turning it into just another cloud as the sun disappeared over the horizon.
SC276: Just keep running-running on, and running-running on...
Pressing play back right after taking a look at the shots I just gotten, I looked at that amazing formation in the clouds yet again. When Rainbow Dash visited me she could never fly because of the fear of somebody seeing her, I had always dreamed about her flying through the sky’s of my world,
ToonGuy: You have a set of very unimaginative fantasies.
CaptainPipsqueak: He’s into bestiality with a talking multicoloured pegasus. I don’t think imagination could keep up
SC276: You’re telling me a cloud just coincidentally ended up looking like her? Given she seems to be the only thing you can think about, I’m willing to bet you hallucinated it.
doing tricks and pulling off load sonic rainbooms flying through the clouds, as It was Rainbow Dash’s dream as well the soar through the brilliant blue sky’s of earth.
ToonGuy: Sky’s? We’re getting invaded by huge amounts of sky’s?! Hide the booze.
SC276: Judging from the typesmanship, too late.
Unlike in her world, we couldn't control the weather or the wind making it all the more unpredictable, and the Rainbow maned Pegasus loved that idea of how she could challenge herself trying to tame the wild clouds of my world, pushing herself to the limit testing our very laws of our physics.
CaptainPipsqueak: And if she could run-on sentence while doing it, that was just a bonus!
SC276: They literally just couldn’t find an open field or something?
Seeing how many incredible sonic rainbooms in rapid succession she could pull off in a single sound barrier breaking dive.
SC276: Has Dash ever done more than one at once in canon? I want to know now.
I knew Dashie would love to see this picture when she visited in a few days. Right then an idea all of a sudden struck me.
SC276: And knocked him out cold.
Why don't I get this picture framed and give it to Rainbow Dash as a gift!
JofY: Because it’s stupid and you don’t actually have a career in photography?
It was “20% cooler” than all the other sunset pictures I had taking that year after all.
JofY: 1.2 times 0 still equals 0.
Pulling the curtains back together, I turned to my writing desk that was just on the other side of them.
JofY: What does shmo even do?
CaptainPipsqueak: Whatever needs doing. Last week he was a carpenter, the week before that a gas station attendant. We don’t talk about what happened a month ago, though. Nobody died; that’s the important part.
Reaching down, I started to look through a few of the many drawings I had drawn of Rainbow Dash when she had visited about over the months. Dash had a few poses picked out that she wanted to do, curious to see how good my drawing skills had become since a couple weeks ago when she visited and I’d drawn her for the first time.
SC276: Gheeze, this guy’s dipped his toes in more artistic mediums than I have.
A lot of them still needed some more work, as that Pegasus never liked to stay still for very long… The drawing on top would always re”mane” my favorite though.
Mononeko: AHHHHH HA HA HA HA, please kill me now…
JofY: Oh, silly Mono. You can’t die here. WE WON’T LET YOU.
Mononeko: *desperately tries to look for an exit*
ToonGuy: Don’t bother, I already exhausted all of the options. Give up now and it’s easier on the brain.
SC276: Yeah, escape’s only possible when you’re in a defined space.
CaptainPipsqueak: We all float down here...
Picking up that one made me remember that night vividly of how Rainbow Dash was sitting on my bed in that pose, looking at me with those violet eyes as I could hardly keep my hand still, drawing the various lines and forming her incredible body.
Being a pony, Dash didn't normally sit like she was doing, with one of her hooves resting on the side of her head as the other one rested down on her leg, while the her back hooves laid seductively to her side, wings spared out in full
CaptainPipsqueak: Well, at least her wings were saved.
, revealing more than you'd normally see if the Pegasus ware in a natural position.
JofY: More revealing than normal?... This would be NSFW if you showed a picture!
SC276: I think I drew a female anthro Eevee in that exact pose… when I was like sixteen.
It was Dash's idea to pose like that after all, and I sure wasn't about to complain.
JofY: ...I can’t imagine doing yoga like that would be comfortable.
My cheeks along with Rainbow Dash's blushed slightly as I continued to draw her full outline, working on the details of her
ToonGuy: Oh. Crisis averted.
SC276: Wait, I forgot, is he reminiscing, which makes a lot of this pointless, or did she just suddenly materialize out of nowhere.
When all the outlines had been drawn I moved along using various colored pencils to draw the prismatic colors of the spectrum on her rainbow mane and tail as she then smiled slightly asking me. “How's it look?.”
SC276: It looks like a bunch of run-on sentences. Thank god this story seems shorter than the other one...
Misunderstanding her I said, “You look amazing Dashie.” And she did, contrasting her cyan coat agence
SC276: Here is the world-famous French spy infiltrating the Cyan Coat Agence to steal classified intelligence...
the light sand colored bed sheets.“No, how's the drawing look silly.” She said, rolling her eyes up. “Oh the drawing! It’s um, It's coming along great!.” I uttered nervously. “It's so difficult not to move!.” She stated matter-of-factly.
“I know, I’ll just be a few more minutes okay.” I said, reassuring the antsy Pegasus in front of me.
With the outlines on her rainbow mane and tail now fully colored in, I picked up a cyan blue colored copic marker to finish coloring in her soft blue coat along with various other details that made my hands quiver even more than had been before.
SC276: Do we have an art guy here that can confirm whether or not mixing colored pencils and copic markers is a terrible idea?
Having finishing the drawing, Rainbow Dash excitedly jumped off my bed and flew over to me, sitting on my lap, looking at what I just drawn.
Mononeko: [Rainbow]: “It looks like shit.”
“Wow, that looks so awesome!.” she uttered joyfully. “Thanks, I think I'm starting to get the hang of this!.” I told her as she moved in, kissing me slightly on the lips and wrapping her wings around my back pulling me closer to her, continuing to kiss me even more passionately as I returned the kiss, feeling every muscle in her face intensify
ToonGuy: That’s not a good thing.
as we both applied more pressure than releasing a few moments later.
CaptainPisqueak: “It was like snogging a leather mitten.”
SC276: And they’re both making out in the freakin’ flashback, I have no idea what the hell’s even going on anymore.
“I Love You so much Dashie!,” I told her gazing into those amazing eyes. “I, I love you too stud.”
JofY: ...Is his name actually supposed to be Stud?
Crazy56U: I’m sticking with ???. Because he doesn’t deserve an actual name.
she whispered out of breathily. I then turned around to pick up the drawing I just made, turning back to her, I said. “Here, I want you to have this. “Aw I couldn't take Your drawing, It's your best work yet!”
JofY: After all, he used colored pencils instead of crayon.
Rainbow Dash said worryingly. “It's alright, I want you to have it.”
“No, I want you to keep it so that you can ya know, imagine me anytime you want to...” Dash told me caringly with a soft and sultry tone in the her voice. “Besides, it's a little too... “revealing” to take back home and show my Friends, she said starting to blush again, slightly chuckling.
“Hey now, I just Drew what I saw!.” I told her slyly. “Oh, I know you, loving to draw every “detail.”
ToonGuy: *through clenched teeth* Can I get the SWAT gear back out?!
Mononeko: Save it, this story isn’t worth it.
SC276: I’m not getting out the Golden Freddy heads again, so someone give me something else to load the slingshot with.
she told me with a devilish grin on her face. “Only the best “details” besides, it was your idea to pose like that in the first place, showing me said “details” I told the mare jokingly.
JofY: In all honestly, Dash’s pose was only 480p.
Crazy56U: You’re giving her too much credit, it was 144p at best.
“Hey, I only wanted to pose like that because You showed me that boat movie with the guy who drowns at the end...
Crazy56U: ...“The Perfect Storm”?
SC276: [Dash] “It took me a moment to remember why he didn’t just fly out.”
she told me angrily, playfully smacking my face with her hoof. “It made me totally cry my eyes out dude.”
JofY: The waste of all that money? Terrible.
Crazy56U: Yeah, fuck Titanic.
“Oh, so that's why I felt like Leonardo DiCaprio drawing that...”
JofY: [???] “And here I was thinking I was a ninja turtle.”
Crazy56U: Naked lady. Trust me, Author, you aren’t ruining anyone’s day by revealing that.
I told her with faked realization in my voice.
JofY: Wow, real Oscar performance there.
Crazy56U: So, it’s worthy of Titanic, then?
“Okay if You really want me to, I'll keep it.”
Dash then moved her head close to me resting her forehead against mine whispering
“I hate You.”
JofY: ...My god... I can’t believe it... That ‘you’ should not be capitalized!
CaptainPipsqueak: No. Clearly Dash sees the protagonist as God.
as she looked into my eyes with a caring expression, smiling slightly. I returned whispering “I know, how about next time I warn you if the movies going to be sad.”
JofY: [Dash] “Completely ruin the ending for me.”
JofY: [???] “Okay, our next movie is called ‘Schindler's List.’ It’s gonna be fun!”
Rainbow said hugging me as we both moved in to kiss ever passionately once again.
CaptainPipsqueak: “Again, it was like snogging a leather mitten.”
Continuing to look at the drawing and remembering all the events that transpired that night just made me miss that Pegasi even more than I had missed her before.
SC276: Boo hoo, get a hobby.
Walking back over to my nightstand and brushing my hand across the silk sheets on my bed, I reached for my iPod that was on the table, syncing it up with my wireless speaker I had under the TV in my room
SC276: You just got wireless speakers everywhere, don’t you.
as it began to play Take My Breath Away by Berlin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNYvzKy-i9k
(Great, just what I needed to depress me even more!)
Crazy56U: Yeah, “Top Gun” is really depressing, I feel ya, man…
JofY: I bet anything could get him could think of Dash.
CaptainPipsqueak: Except rainbows, for some odd reason. Just don’t do a thing for him.
I thought. But I decided to leave it play seeing as how it was a fitting end to the day, even though it made me think about her, but I guess so did most of the songs I liked listening to.
JofY: Especially all those songs about dogs and hoes.
SC276: ~Just an old-fashioned love song, playing on the radio...~
Now I was stirring at my iPod
CaptainPipsqueak: ...the cream getting all over the place...
SC276: ~M-I-X the flour into the bowl~
it for a few minutes as the song played, looking at the wallpaper on my device that was of course, “Rainbow Dash” looking all seductive sitting in my high class Ikea chair that I had in the corner of my bedroom.
Mononeko: As opposed to those lower class Ikea chairs. Pffff, who needs those!
CaptainPipsqueak: “Oh sure; they’re fine for your typical plebian, but I prefer to rest my ass on something that shouts ‘I’m better than you!’”
SC276: Dude, if you put your own wallpaper as your own picture of your crush, that’s kind of obsessive. I mean, I got my own drawing as my lock screen art, but I’m not stupid about it.
I placed the iPod back down on the side table, shortly after falling back into my bed.
The song playing on quietly as my arms spread out on either side of my head, looking over to see that was now 12am in the morning.
JofY: Midnight equals the morning.
CaptainPipsqueak: Technically, it does. Morning is the period between midnight and noon, but most people consider it the time from dawn to noon.
SC276: Still doesn’t mean he needed to put “AM” and “in the morning” in the same freakin’ sentence.
“Just two more days now.” I thought to myself, smiling contently and gradually falling off to sleep, dreaming of flying free in the the night sky's above like I had done every night since I first met that Dashing Rainbow maned Pegasus I so completely and helplessly fell in love with.
JofY: After all, the script demanded it.
SC276: Having the same dream every night is a symptom of a one-track mind. As if him having nothing else to do in his life besides the imaginary pony girlfriend wasn’t already blatantly obvious.
(actual photo I took that inspired this story)
Crazy56U: That is not provided with the story because, if it was, it would be akin to
staring into the Ark of the Covenant.
ToonGuy: At this point, I’d take it.
JofY: Oh, please. I don’t see what all the hubbub is about it. I saw inside of it; it was just a bunch of sand.
CaptainPipsqueak: The last guys just had an extreme allergic reaction. Melting faces are a symptom.
SC276: Actually, it’s there in the original webpage. Ring presumably just didn’t check his copy-paste because he was in a hurry.
CaptainPipsqueak: God knows we are.
Thanks for reading.
SC276: You’re not welcome.
JofY: “And this has been” An Evening With A Pegasus + A Pegasus In The Sky. “And personally, “wow this was ridiculous.” Let’s not even focus on the bad grammar, and focus on nothing really happens. The pacing is just boringly slow. The whole reveal of him not being able to go to Equestria could have been interesting, if it wasn’t ignored like “It isn’t actively painful though. I mean, it never actively tries to do anything, and to that sense, it’s not bad?... Yeah. Piss argument, but you get what I mean, what about the rest of you?
Mononeko: Aside from everything JofY said, this is just your standard “Human has the hots for multi colored horses” story with sometimes some admittedly hilarious grammar errors. In my opinion, romantic stories don’t really need to have much going on, but come on, at least TRY to keep it interesting.
ToonGuy: It felt just….LONG. I’ve read fanfics where the idea of a relationship is built up slowly, but this was just dull. There wasn't anything really, and that’s the problem. The main character didn’t even get a name or any personality beyond that he’s a ‘nice guy’, and it feels like Rainbow Dash got wimpified HARD. In all honesty, I’ll likely forget I even read this fanfiction in a week or so, and that’s not a good thing.
SC276: Yeah, everyone else summed it up. Much ado about freakin’ nothing. No real conflict, no real character, just one thing after another presented with terrible misuse of quotation marks - like my god have you ever read an actual book - and repetitive detail that we don’t care about. And the sequel’s short enough that it might as well have been an epilogue for all I care.
Crazy56U: To bring this full circle, I would like to remind you all yet again that the better riff option was STARING YOU IN THE FACE.
JofY: ...The Nyx fic?
Crazy56U: That too! At this point, anything other than this would’ve been the better option!
JofY: We’ve done The Catch, My Brave Unicorn, and Displaced. Are you saying this is worse than those?
Crazy56U: No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that this should not have won the poll! This was a big waste of time! COME ON.
JofY: Well, that’s not what everyone else said. Get over it.
SC276: I don’t even vote on those. I just take what’s in front of me.
RingmasterJ5: God damn, this was a trainwreck. First, I wanted to find a really terrible fic literally posted yesterday as a sort of New Year’s special… but that didn’t work out. I did manage to find a very riffable Hunger Games ripoff thing, but upon further inspection the actual story was only 2K words and the rest of the 4K-word fic was just the author doing a bunch of those “random Hunger Games generator” things with the characters. So then I tried to make it a different kind of New Year’s special by finding another really short fic posted on a previous 1/1 to accompany it, but couldn’t find any that worked. THEN, I tried to at least salvage it by trying to find another Hunger Games ripoff fic to pair it with, but none of those worked either. So, instead, you get the first riffable thing I drudged up from FFNet’s “most recent” page. Anyway, Fallen, what came to mind when I first linked you this?
Fallen Prime: Other than “why” and “fuck you?”
RingmasterJ5: I was more specifically referring to the whole “IT’S A GIANT WALL OF TEXT” bit.
Fallen Prime: Oh, psh. I didn’t even skim it. All I needed was the fucking title.
RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, a trilogy of terrible wall-of-text Creepypastas by an author who inexplicably has the largest hate-boner for Facebook I’ve ever seen. (Otherwise known as “DiscordExe” by DiscordXChaos)
Crazy56U: ...wow, 2016 already sucks...
RingmasterJ5: Before we begin I just want to say that all three of these stories were posted in December of 2015, which is something you should probably keep in mind as you read.
SC276: So, last month? So it’s fresh out of the oven. Good for pizza, bad for half-baked stories.
Crazy56U: Terrible for half-baked pizza. ...wait...
Facebook has the most unhelpful ways to get back your account after being blocked.
CaptainPipsqueak: They’re actually doing you a favour but be as angry as you wish.
ToonGuy: So this is pretty much Sonic.EXE just with a different character?
Crazy56U: ...so, does this mean you’re going to rip off “Unfriended” then?
Especially fake ones.
Crazy56U: Facebook has fake ways to get your account back?
ToonGuy: They’re like that one kid who doesn’t stop trying to sucker punch you.
So I wrote this narrative in an attempt to explain what truly was going on in their servers, why their tech support is terrible, and my anger to Facebook as they have banned my account twice for being under a false name.
JofY: How dare they! All he wants to do is shame girls on the internet! What’s wrong with that?
Crazy56U: So, in other words, instead of doing the sensible thing and dropping Facebook like a cheap habit, you’re basically going to vilify the site? Didn’t “The Social Network” already do that?
This is the story of how Facebook fell.
RingmasterJ5: Not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with thousands of shitty Minion memes.
SC276: This is the sort of thing that one should write down in a Word document and then not post on the Internet.
Crazy56U: And already the Author has failed, since Facebook is still up and is still a thing. A terrible, terrible thing...
( P.S. : By the way, this takes place in September 2012, one year after Season 2 Episode 1 of My Little Pony, "The Return of Harmony Part 1" aired.
JofY: Why? Because apparently this fic about, what I’m guessing from the title, a computer thing, needs to be in continuity with MLP.
Crazy56U: ...so, around the time “The Crystal Empire” premiered?
This alternate timeline suggests it took much more time for Facebook to be invented simply because the idea wasn't interesting to any company and no one was willing to support it.)
ToonGuy: Uh…..did we miss a couple of pages where this...I dunno, made sense?
SC276: One, both halves of “Return of Harmony” were aired in September 2011, so why not just reference the whole two-parter instead of just the first half? Two, I don’t know much about the history of Facebook, but I’m pretty sure MySpace existed by this time and if Facebook didn’t happen, MySpace might still be doing shit, so everyone would be on MySpace instead of Facebook and basically you have no idea how causality works. Three, if you need a postscript (or is it prescript?) in the author notes before the text itself, you’re terrible at establishing setting.
Crazy56U: So, I guess this means that Mark Zuckerberg never met up with the Winklevoss twins, but they already had a Facebook-esque idea in mind, so I don’t know what- a majority of my riffs so far have been about Facebook, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
JofY: ...I thought we were doing a creepypasta, not a ship fic.
CaptainPipsqueak: Are they mutually exclusive?
Crazy56U: And thus, the Facebook/MLP Creepypasta became a MLP/Sonic shipfic.
...2016 fucking sucks.
ToonGuy: I’ll get the booze ready. Maybe add a little rat poison in, night is still young.
My name's Jarom Jezrel ,
CaptainPipsqueak: “Hi, Jarom!”
SC276: No, it’s DiscordXChaos, pay attention already.
CaptainPipsqueak: Pfft. He’ll always be “Jarom” to me. Maybe we could compromise and call him “Jamjar”?
ToonGuy: Or Jar Jam Binks?
CaptainPipsqueak: Let’s not go too far.
Crazy56U: “and this is the story of how I sued my parents for my shitty name!”
I was working at this new company called "Facebook".
SC276: Oh god it’s one of these where the narrator is part of the company, like “Squidward’s Suicide.” Also, I just thought of something: establishing an alternate universe ruins the entire point of creepypasta, doesn’t it? I mean, if the idea is to tell a campfire ghost story like it actually happened, saying it takes place in an alternate timeline breaks that in half freakin’ immediately. It’s like you’re too angry to freakin’ try.
Crazy56U: Unfortunately, since Facebook only just now got invented, that means everyone who would be using it are on MySpace. ...this is a strange timeline we’re in right now…
Scarlet: Discord apparently discovered the net at some point.
It had just came out, so all of it was pretty new to me as in terms of how to use it. I know how to fix it,
Crazy56U: [Jarom] “(applies a bandage to a computer monitor) All better!”
ToonGuy: “And here’s a lollipop for being such a good boy!”
but I don't go on it that very much because I work there
Crazy56U: Which... is not possible... ...unless he uses Tumblr when he’s supposed to be working…
Scarlet: The dreadful history of the invention of Twitter.
and just being tech support for Facebook already gives me enough on my hands.
JofY: I see Facebook in this universe hires tech support from Comcast.
Crazy56U: [Jarom] “(hands are covered in blood) ...the horror... ...the horror...”
Scarlet: [Jarom] “Have you tried making sure Facebook is plugged in?”
CaptainPipsqueak: Or turning it off and then back on again?
I was busy working on a way to let people invite others to play games they enjoy when suddenly one odd invite appeared.
JofY: “I call it ‘Farmville.’”
Crazy56U: [Jarom] “It was for a party, which makes no sense, since I have no
ToonGuy: So he sent the invite to himself? ...I’ll buy it.
Scarlet: “Make a contract?”
CaptainPipsqueak: “Here, use this pen. Relax, that’s just red ink. Not… not like it would be anything else, of course.
It was weird because the feature hadn't been installed on Facebook yet.
JofY: Not only that, but it linked to a CD, which hadn’t been invented yet!
SC276: For a moment, I thought it was talking about inviting people to be your friend, which seems like exactly the sort of thing this author would write about.
Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Which was double weird, since I was supposed to install that!”
It was from "Discord: The Master of Chaos".
Crazy56U: Wow. We’re just… we’re just going in raw, aren’t we?
Scarlet: This author’s hardcore.
CaptainPipsqueak: Bite the mousepad, I’m going in dry!
His game he wanted me to play was entitled "Evil Chaos".
Crazy56U: Plot Twist: It’s actually “Farmville”.
Luckily for me, I had a friend who was into the show and knew who he was.
JofY: You had a friend that was into the Bible show? Also, remember this, I’ll be bringing it up later.
SC276: Your first action wasn’t to make sure the game actually existed? Also, you’re not telling anyone about something that’s using a feature that hasn’t been implemented yet? Especially since you just got hired, so there’s no way you’re at the point in your career where you can just keep things like that to yourself.
ToonGuy: Also, as far as you know, he’s a fictional character! Unless you think John De Lancie- Praise to him- has actually messaged you out of the blue, then I would severely rethink how you view the world.
Crazy56U: ...is your “friend” actually Google? Because... yeah, I don’t see you actually having friends. ...let alone a friend.
This "character" was the spirit of chaos and disharmony in the show.
CaptanPipsqueak: I AM SHODAN
JofY: ‘It was really more of a local.’
SC276: You know Japan actually has a traffic light god?
Scarlet: God damn it SC, I can’t pause to lecture about Shinto right now!
Crazy56U: ...yes Jarom, he is a character. It’s not like Discord is a toaster or
The odd thing was the picture wasn't your usual bright colored, light toned Discord.
JofY: They used Photoshop!
ToonGuy: Already they’ve committed a sin in changing the design for no real reason!
Crazy56U: Because hearing a one sentence explanation about the guy means you now
know what he looks like.
Scarlet: Dark red and possibly bleeding.
His body was a dark red Rosewood color with his mane Red and his tail the same color. His bear paw was Vermillion and his eagle's claw was a Terra cotta shade. His right dragon claw was a Dim Grey
CaptainPipsqeak: Not just workaday ‘dim grey’, but Dim Grey, the master of all greys!
Scarlet: Vermillion, the bear paw’s true identity!
Crazy56U: Hey, you asshole, you leave Grey out of this! Just because he is a slow
learner does NOT mean he’s “dim”!
CaptainPipsqueak: No, it’s a Chinese snack plate; a variant of Dim Sum.
and his other horse hoof was Silver.
ToonGuy: IT’S NO USE!
Crazy56U: 100% Silver? God, that’s gotta be expensive... ... (pulls out a hacksaw)
CaptainPipsqueak: The horse hoof was Silver. Oh lawdy.
His horns were Black with Red strokes around them. His wings were each Dark Grey.
JofY: All in all, it was soooo last season.
SC276: Because colors must be capitalized. Didn’t you see the memo addendum to the Manual of Proper Internet Grammar?
Scarlet: I think I burned that last year.
Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, Discord’s a goth here.
I wondered who this was and how they could get into our servers, when we haven't even made the new update to Facebook's page yet.
JofY: ‘My coworkers never play pranks on one another.’
Scarlet: Given he thinks he works at a start-up version of Facebook in 2012, I’m not sure if these co-workers are real or just another part of his hallucination.
Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, I’m starting to think that Alt-Facebook is nothing more than a front for the local mob!
I was telling myself to not check the link out, but some crazy curiosity
Crazy56U: AKA “Because plot.”
was telling me to go check it out. Against my better judgement, I clicked on the link.
JofY: It showed him how he wasn’t gonna give you up.
CaptainPipsqueak: What a let-down.
Crazy56U: And then his computer exploded. THE END
It took me to the game, which again, we hadn't made that feature available to the public or anyone at all for that matter.
JofY: ‘It’s attempts at filling in the UI elements we hadn’t put yet… Wasn’t too seamless.’
Crazy56U: Alt-Facebook is basically the equivalent of a GeoCities website made by a
fifth-grader in 1997.
I accepted the terms of the game, again, avoiding that consciousness that told me to not to do it, and the game started up.
SC276: Forget that the game shouldn’t exist, this guy is an idiot for agreeing to play a game that doesn't exist. Also, who actually clicks those “invite to play this” messages?!
ToonGuy: Only thing that could have been worse is if the game was called ‘Nigarian Priince, Give Money’
Scarlet: [Randy from Scream] “Never, under any circumstances, say you will be right back.”
Crazy56U: Is this Facebook job the first time Jarom ever used a computer, let alone
the Internet? If I didn’t know better, I’d assume he just invited himself to a bout of
viruses and identity theft!
For some odd reason, the game went to full-screen, which was very different, because most games we were going to allow on Facebook weren't capable of doing such a deed.
JofY: Using new and inventive features? The horror!
SC276: “We were going to allow”? You haven’t added any games yet? And yet you don’t find it odd in the freakin’ slightest that you’re playing a game on a platform that doesn’t have games yet? You have less survival instincts than most escort mission characters!
ToonGuy: Maybe it’s like a perception filter, where Discord’s magic is making him not notice the plot holes and misdirecting it….man, I gave that more actual thought than need be. Won’t make that mistake again!
CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, those are fun. “Hey look, a heavily armed warship! I’ll fly my weaponless ship over and say ‘Hi!’ Hi, heavily armed warship! Wanna be besties? OHMYFU…”
Crazy56U: Okay, look, I don’t know much about Facebook. I don’t use Facebook. I
don’t want to acknowledge Facebook. ...and yet, to me, none of this sounds right.
There is no way Facebook, even Alt-Facebook, would be this poorly put together. I know you want to vilify the website, but this is too much. ...I just defended Facebook, I feel dirty…
CaptainPipsqueak: And so you should. You go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
This was a 2D side-scrolling pixel platformer and role-playing game.
JofY: Not only that, but it had a ‘Game Maker’ watermark on it!
SC276: I’ll let that pass because, by the story’s admitted setting, Undertale doesn’t exist yet.
Crazy56U: You’re right, Author, why aren’t I playing Earthbound right now instead of
Scarlet: Pixel platformer/roleplaying combo… my god, it’s Zelda II!
Crazy56U: You’re right, Scarlet, why aren’t I playing Zelda II right now instead of
The game started you off as a character with Electric Blue hair, Peach skin, Teal jacket with the "Facebook" logo on the right side of the chest and khakis, and blue sandals with the tops that had White socks peaking out of them.
JofY: Great, I can no longer see in my imagination. Thanks for that.
CaptainPipsqueak: i Can SMeLl thE COLourS. Can yoU smEll THe COLOurs?
Fallen Prime: 1 C4N T4ST3 TH3M >:]
CaptainPipsqueak: ...you lucky bastard.
Crazy56U: Fonts are fun to use!
ToonGuy: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! NEVER ENDING STOOOORY! ANYTHING I SAY HERE SOUNDS BADASS!
Crazy56U: I CAN’T HEAR YOU
CaptainPipsqueak: Nope. Nope, you killed it. You killed it and fuck you.
The top corner showed a red health bar and below that a blue magic bar.
JofY: Opposed to the normally plaid health bar and puke colored magic bar.
SC276: More like puke-colored story bar.
ToonGuy: All this talk of bars is making me thirsty! *places bottle in front* So who wants to crack first?
Scarlet: This game coded with baby’s first RPG system!
Crazy56U: This was made with Game Maker, wasn’t it.
The whole background was a forest that was only illuminated by the red moon behind them. The creepy thing that literally wanted to make me puke was the dead ponies everywhere,
JofY: *spits out water* WAIT, WHAT!?
RingmasterJ5: Imagine this guy at a murder scene. “He was wearing a fetching blue vest with matching jeans, there was a large tree in the distance… and oh yeah his head was ten feet away from his body.”
ToonGuy: They should have sent a poet….cause he would have done a better job.
CaptainPipsqueak: “I’m sorry; I should have mentioned that first, shouldn’t I? It’s just the scene was so inspiring…”
Crazy56U: (with fake enthusiasm) And with that, we’re ripping off Sonic.exe!
you'd think this was real becuase of the blood textures.
JofY: This game uses blood textures? Wow. Now you know it’s real.
SC276: If it’s a pixel-game, why would the designers in any capacity want a player to think it could be real? I almost feel embarrassed for gaming for being involved in any capacity in this story.
Crazy56U: Were they hyper-realistic, Jarom?
It was like someone took 3D Animation or a Live Video and put it into the game.
JofY: Why would a 2D game need 3D blood?
CaptainPipsqueak: Because...Oh look over there! It’s a bird!
Crazy56U: So... It was like a video game?
Or it was real. No, that can't be, how could you use real blood in a videogame?
JofY: Swap the fake blood out for real one.
SC276: Can we swap out this story for a real one, then?
ToonGuy: I’ve got a voucher, we could try.
Crazy56U: You gotta use that C++, it makes magic happen.
I wasn't sure, but I hated the look of it.
JofY: Probably because of the poor art choices I mentioned earlier.
ToonGuy: Then knock it off! Just use that ESCAPE key.
Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Feh. I can make better blood textures than that, no problem! Just give me MS Paint and Photoshop, I’ll work wonders.”
So, I tested out the buttons.
Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Hmmm… (presses a button) (computer shuts down)”
JofY: [Jarom] “Alright, what about this one?”
W, A, S, D were to move and the N button was to attack and the M button was to fire a blue fire projectile.
SC276: OK, uh. If WASD is being used for movement, that usually means the mouse is being used by the other hand. Otherwise, you’d just use the arrows and probably Z and X for action keys.
Scarlet: Yeah, even on my tiny laptop keyboard the placement is a bit weird.
Crazy56U: But, what about the spacebar?
I walked forward slowly, almost like I was cautious not to step on any of the deceased animals on the ground.
JofY: How? You already said that there were dead ponies everywhere.
Crazy56U: By being cautious, duh.
Running now, fearing for my videogame life,
JofY: He might not be able to play Skyrim after this!
SC276: Did he already forget his fake creepypasta game is supposed to be 2D?
ToonGuy: Also that he shouldn’t be able to play it!?
Crazy56U: This Let’s Play sucks.
CaptainPipsqueak: More like “Let’s Suck” amIrite?
I hurried to the end of the screen where there was the gloomy Discord from before, except he was holding a pony's head and blood was dripping from his mouth, hands, and down his body.
JofY: He had cut himself while shaving.
CaptainPipsqueak: I hate when that happens; it just goes on for hours.
ToonGuy: *glumly looks at his beardless chin* Lucky bastards.
Crazy56U: Holy shit, we are ripping off Sonic.exe!
I just about screamed at him to stop his killing spree when he edged closer to me.
SC276: Wait, in real life or was there an action key for actually doing that?
Crazy56U: Well, given how much bullshit and magic have been programed into this
game, maybe there is a “scream nonsense” key. ...the spacebar, maybe...
I tried to move backwards, but I was held in place by some invisible force.
JofY: Perhaps by an ‘invisible wall’ of some sort.
SC276: That’s called “being in a boss arena.” Have you never played a video game before?
Scarlet: They never notice the first fog gate.
Crazy56U: Uh oh, he doesn’t realize that this is a cutscene...
He continued to move toward me and I pressed every button on the keyboard, but to no avail.
SC276: Did that include actually shooting at him? With the blue fire projectile that you said you had?
Scarlet: Sssssh, that’s the third act twist!
Crazy56U: [Jarom] “ (while punching keyboard) Why! Isn’t This! WORKING?!”
He was coming closer to me and I decided to try and quit out of the game with Control-Alt-Delete. Not even that worked.
JofY: Okay, what about Alt+F4? Alt+Tab? Shutting off the computer?
CatainPipsqueak: ...unplugging it, something logical like that?
ToonGuy: Hold the power button down, wait for it to knock off?
SC276: How about the Escape Key? Even the Pointy-Haired Boss thought to try that.
Crazy56U: Delete System32, it will solve all of your problems.
He approached me and grabbed me with his bear paw and choked me.
Crazy56U: [Discord] “WHY YOU LITTLE!”
Then the game prompted me to mash the N button.
JofY: So, we have bad art choices, an excess of blood, and now, quick time events. Is this Castlevania: Lord of Shadows?
Scarlet: Okay, that IS creepy.
Crazy56U: So, now we’re ripping off Sonic Unleashed? Really?
I did and then it prompted me to mash the M button.
CaptainPipsqueak: Button, no! He had so much to live for! Take me instead, God; TAKE MEEEEE!
Scarlet: The game prompted me to do the hokey-pokey and turn myself about.
Crazy56U: And then it told him to mash the Shift key, but that just triggered Sticky
Keys, leading to Discord murdering him.
This didn't work, and the Master of Chaos shot a fireball which charred me and left my character realistically burnt and scarred unable to move.
JofY: The kind of realism that only comes from 8-bit.
CaptainPipsqueak: Pfft. Sixteen-bit for life, bitches.
Scarlet: A chiptune version of “Requiem” played softly.
Crazy56U: Wait, is this now a Mario creepypasta? What happened to this being about
Facebook? Not that I care all that much, but...
Blood dripping letters that were in capitals and a black screen faded in front of me that said
Crazy56U: “geeettttttt dunked on”
"Want to play again? Do you want me to make it easier to beat the Lord of Chaos?"
JofY: Would you like to play on easy? Wimp.
CaptainPipsqueak: “Do you want me to get you through the hard part?”
SC276: This creepypasta monster sucks at game design. Who puts two entire sentences in a stylistic-yet-likely-moderately-difficult-to-read font? I actually feel offended!
Scarlet: Discord trolls the game design community.
Crazy56U: [Discord] “Go on, pick Easy Mode, you baby scrub baby.”
I stupidly pressed yes went on playing the game.
SC276: You really ARE an idiot.
CaptainPipsqueak: And that’s why we love him!
ToonGuy: WE DO?!! Well that means I’ll have to cancel the heat seeking missile I was preparing to launch at his house.
Scarlet: He wouldn’t suffer that way, ToonGuy.
JofY: Besides, per my contract, I have to try and stop all ways of interrupting, corrupting, or ruining the fic, other than the standard method until we’re finished.
ToonGuy: You got a contract? I just assumed we all just got press ganged into doing this.
Crazy56U: Well... At least Jarom’s self-aware.
CaptainPipsqueak: Dumb as a sack of silverware, but self-aware.
I continued down the way past where he had choked me. I turned around and he was gone.
JofY: Oh, it was an in game story element!? Or is it just bad checkpointing?
For the moment. Just after that, Discord appeared behind me and chased me.
Scarlet: ...this was literally copy-pasted as a concept from the Godzilla NES creepypasta. Look that up. Seriously.
Crazy56U: When in doubt, plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize!
A text appeared above my character that almost seemed to shout at me saying "RUN!" This text flashed and I ran as fast as my keyboard could take me.
JofY: Translation: He held down a button.
CaptainPipsqueak: But thrillingly. Does anyone else feel thrilled?
ToonGuy: *picks up keyboard. Taps buttons* Look. I’m doing it. Wheeee.
SC276: ...I just sat here for like three minutes trying to figure out something that could properly respond this idiocy. I got nothing. This guy has never played a video game in his fucking life.
Crazy56U: Don’t worry guys, the keyboard is going to save the day!
But, every time I tried to run, I felt I was on a treadmill.
JofY: The game had glitched out.
Crazy56U: And so Jarom turned into Michael Jackson.
I couldn't go any faster and he was about to kill me.
Scarlet: The reason this worked in the source material is that Godzilla NES was never a game with chase segments. It was a weird, freaky thing that seemed to have inserted itself into the game, and wasn’t even initially dangerous so much as it was bizarre. Do you even know how to atmosphere?
Crazy56U: Please, everyone knows that atmosphere is a myth… Just like competent storytelling or decent characterization.
I turned around and mashed the M button to throw blue fireballs at him. That didn't work and not even the attack button helped. Proceeding that, the game showed another text saying "Hold the M button down to fire a super charged blast to stop the monster!"
JofY: Oh, this is all just a stupid tutorial.
CaptainPipsqueak: God, I hate those, especially if they’re unskippable.
Crazy56U: “Trust me, it totally will work, Pinkie Swear!”
I did so and my character proceeded to fire a blast which did make the Discord disappear, but to only reappear behind me. I again held the M button down and made him go away.
Scarlet: The end.
Crazy56U: Discord, teleport spamming is a shit thing to do...
Every time I did this, he would teleport to the other side and I'd have to shoot the blast at him again.
Scarlet: ...that’s the boss fight from Sonic.exe. This story is so lame it is actually legit just copying bits from video game creepypasta.
Crazy56U: But why Sonic.exe of all things? The author clearly has some semblance of quality, as seen in the ripping off of NES Godzilla Creepypasta, so why go for that?
This continued until he appeared in front of my character and proceeded to kill my character. The death was more realistic and gory this time.
JofY: Realistic, or gritty?
SC276: This guy has no idea how pixels work, does he.
ToonGuy: He has about as much knowledge as that goddamn Adam Sandler movie.
Crazy56U: Never bring that up ever again.
CaptainPipsqueak: He knows how to spell it, at least.
He took his eagle claw and pierced my heart all the way through and let blood spurt out in all directions, ripping my heart out
Crazy56U: He stole your heart, then? ...damnit, this is a ship fic!
ToonGuy: The very next day, he gave it away.
and-and- this next part's hard to tell.
JofY: ‘He... tickled me.’
CaptainPipsqueak: “Can you show us on this doll where the spirit of chaos touched you?”
Scarlet: Ishoy and Oiram next, you know you want to! Ooh, or maybe Ben Drowned!
Crazy56U: Dude, the Author’s writing isn’t that hard to read, stop kidding yourself.
He ate my heart.
JofY: *munching on a different heart* Hey, it’s delicious.
CaptainPipsqueak: If you say it tastes like chicken, I will fucking end you.
JofY: ...No, it tastes like beef. Why would you think a pony heart tastes like chicken?
SC276: Hard to tell? You just told it.
Crazy56U: (eats a box of candy hearts) ...eh... Don’t get the appeal...
And then threw my body to the ground and crushed my skull in sending brains and blood every which way.
JofY: GORE SUPLEX FOR THE WIN!!!!
SC276: Bet you’re wishing he turned ponies to stone now, huh?
CaptainPipsqueak: FATALI...no, that’s too easy.
Crazy56U: You have brains?!
The last screen I ever saw that was a message from this Devilish-Demonic-Discord was "That was a great game!
SC276: Come over here so I can stab you with my college transcript that makes me more of an expert on game design than you.
CaptainPipsqueak: Shit, I’ve been around for as long as video games have existed.
Scarlet: Gotcha! That was a fun duel!
Crazy56U: ...eh, better than Sonic Boom... 7/10 Too much pixels IGN
How about one last time? You win and I'll leave you guys alone! I win, and all of Facebook is gone forever!
JofY: Clearly random IT guy can make these kinds of decisions!
SC276: Well given the author’s bias, placing bets on this outcome seems counterproductive.
Scarlet: Facebook. Discord wants to destroy Facebook. Why? It seems like his kind of place!
Crazy56U: I love how Discord thinks this is a dire challenge, but really, it’s win-win.
How does that sound? Fair enough, isn't it?
JofY: Hmm… The possibility of destroying a company that employs thousands, or having to deal with an annoyance...
Crazy56U: Again, win-win.
Will you proceed?" I, foolishly, clicked yes and the last trial began.
JofY: Last trial? When did you finish the first?
CaptainPipsqueak: And a better question: When will we?
ToonGuy: Maybe this is what Purgatory is. Reading really stupid stories. Forever.
Crazy56U: [Jarom] “First, though, I had to input my credit card information to
purchase more lives.”
It was the thing I shouldn't have done, because I was-
JofY: Already dead?
ToonGuy: A alien?
Crazy56U: Poked with a stick?
CaptainPipsqueak: Really fucking stupid?
well let me tell you, I won't spoil it.
Crazy56U: Get bent, sir. (pokes you with a stick)
Continuing on, my character now came across enemies who were undead ponies brought back to life by that Satanic creature.
JofY: Finally turning it into an actual game.
Scarlet: Unfortunately it was an unlicensed Dark Souls mod and was pulled from Steam.
Crazy56U: Huh, Discord let Lucifer make the final trial?
Some had their chests ripped open, some were missing parts of their brains, and others were losing a few limbs or more.
JofY: That part, made them quite useless as enemies.
Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Some were even dressed up as football players or disco stars-
wait, this is a Plants vs. Zombies clone…”
This was just getting too too real and intense that I had to tell someone about this atrocity that made it's way to me.
JofY: Pixilated ponies are just too real!
CaptainPipsqueak: Pixel-based ponies practically people? Perfect!
SC276: How about the guy that told you who Discord was? Come to think of it, if Facebook’s still starting up, the development team is probably small enough, and the development office small enough, that your shouts and screams from reacting to this game should’ve attracted attention. As someone who was part of a team of six that made a social media web app, I know these things. You should’ve drawn a crowd by now.
ToonGuy: I thought we mentioned that Mr Tester over here has no one who cares what he’s doing? Maybe this is like a regular thing and they’ve just decided it’s better for him to ride out this drug high on his own.
Crazy56U: [Jarom] “But again, no friends, so anyone who decides to read this is close enough in my book…”
I moved on, with much guilt and sorrow, destroying these precious ponies lives that had now become an undead nightmare and a walking symbol of the horrible things that Hellish Beast Discord did.
SC276: Dude, they’re video game characters. This isn’t freakin’ Undertale here.
Scarlet: Not unless this is what happens when Discord attempts a Genocide run.
Crazy56U: Or, plot twist, a Pacifist run…
CaptainPipsqueak: I’m playing a sociopath run in Fallout 3. Just blew up Megaton, but not before killing everyone and cribbing their stuff. They’re going to atomized, right? Now I’m at Rivet City and playing nice.
Doubting I could ever save my company from its terrible fate,
JofY: Your company? You’re barely IT!
Scarlet: The protagonist, Mark Zuckerman.
I decided to move forward, with more determination to defeat this awful murderer. The enemies didn't seem to get tougher, but there were more of them.
JofY: Oi! Padding foul!
SC276: Even more examples of crap design.
Scarlet: What we’ve established here is that Disord makes cheap-ass fake-hard video games that kill you in cheap ways to simulate difficulty.
Crazy56U: And thus this became a Plants vs. Zombies 2 ripoff...
At the end there were the Mane Six, my friend told me were the main characters of My Little Pony, (You know: Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy),
CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you for that. Now we all know for sure.
SC276: Your friend is there and yet he’s not reacting to anything on your screen?!
ToonGuy: Maybe it’s past tense or… OR maybe the friend is Discord and he’s already won and is just mocking IT Guy! And that’s the twist! …or not. I’m very tired.
Crazy56U: Again, Jarom uses Google and tries to make it seem like his life isn’t sad...
all with very wide eyes and small pupils and devilish grins with their mouths open unnaturally wide and their teeth unnaturally white.
JofY: They had just come from a trip to the dentist!
CaptainPipsqueak: They still had all the gritty stuff on them, too!
Scarlet: Literally ripped off from Creepypasta artwork, largely ZALGO-meme inspired. Jesus, at least Spike The Killer Baby had rag dolls!
Crazy56U: (grabs head) Goddamnit, I had blocked that out….
They looked like they were brainwashed or became insane after everypony ever was killed by Discord.
JofY: Props then to the PIXEL art for displaying that.
SC276: Why would they have white teeth at all in that case?
Scarlet: The mark of insanity is good dental hygiene.
Crazy56U: Or Pinkie had another cocaine party and everyone had a little too much fun, if ya catch my drift...
They all came towards me. I had no choice, no option. Some thought came into my mind to press "W, A, S, D, N, and M"
SC276: All at a time? The voice at your head sucks at making things clear.
CaptainPipsqueak: Ow! My Christing fuck; I knew it was a wall of text, but couldn’t one of you have dewalled it first?
RingmasterJ5: De-walling isn’t done here because the fics are presented in their original forms. If the people finding the fic had to suffer through the wall, so do you.
SC276: Y’know, except when people don’t put their riffs before the spaces between words so everyone else knows the paragraph continues, though I suppose that’s mostly my style choice…
CaptainPipqueak: Makes it harder to do. And technically, I guess we’re dewalling it as we go.
SC276: How is it harder to make sure the cursor is-? No, dropping it here, we’re tangeting.
CaptainPipsqueak: Tangents are fun. So are segues. Digressions are neat if you can pull them off. ... What were we talking about again?
Crazy56U: The death of Facebook by means of some spooky spaghetti.
I wasn't sure where, but I think the "Man Upstairs" clearly wanted me to beat this Satan-like creature and his pony squad.
JofY: Clearly God wants you to from the fact that...
SC276: Given he threatened the company, I would assume so, yes.
Scarlet: [Jesus] “How am I supposed to spread my word without social media? You have to win this, Whitebread IT Man!”
Crazy56U: Oh, great, as if the pile of crossovers/plagiarisms wasn’t big enough, now
you’ve roped “The LEGO Movie” into this!
So I did and the buttons shot a giant blue blast towards the ponies and annihilated all of them.
JofY: How did he get through them? He got through them.
Scarlet: I see that Discord forgot to disable the Konami Code.
ToonGuy: Well….that was rather anti-climactic.
Crazy56U: And now we can add Street Fighter to that pile! STOP RIPPING THINGS
I didn't prepare for what happened next.
JofY: ‘I actually won something!’
CaptainPipsqueak: “I just had to send them my credit card number for security purposes.”
Crazy56U: And then the computer exploded.
The screen went dark and a high pitched, almost realistic scream was heard and then the demonic face of Discord appeared saying, "You Lost! You cheated!
SC276: Yeah, exactly. It could only be in the game if you put it there! At which point, it’s barely a cheat!
Scarlet: He’s just mad because he hadn’t figured out how to do that combo himself and got stuck on this level.
Crazy56U: [Discord] “You were actually playing the game this time?! FUCK YOU!”
The game's over and I win!" I knew now I probably wouldn't keep my job after what I was entailed with doing.
JofY: Besides the fact that Facebook is now gone.
Scarlet: Because nobody at Facebook keeps back-ups of anything.
Crazy56U: And thus Discord blew up Facebook. THE END
Keeping the whole company alive.
JofY: Yes, it’s random IT guy’s job to keep an entire company afloat.
Crazy56U: Well, this is Alt-Facebook...
I failed. I even thought God was on my side.
Crazy56U: You honestly thought God wanted Facebook to be saved?! ... (violently
I guess that was a cheat code, and it let Discord win because the program told it to.
CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, sir; Captain Logic, right here, folks!
SC276: Why would he even put a freakin’ cheat code in there? I mean, I haven’t known Discord to play fair, but this takes place in an alternate continuity where Facebook is a startup, the author couldn’t possibly have known that!
CaptainPipsqueak: Well, he also thinks people friend each other on 4chan, unless he’s being sarcastic or ironic or some form of ‘ic’.
Crazy56U: Because, according to the Author’s loose grasp of the subject, that’s how programming works. Either that or the Author took inspiration from GTA IV fucking you out of achievements if you used cheats...
Now I was ashamed. Just then, another final message appeared "Thanks for playing and I hope see you… in Hell!" The game quit out and my boss called me on the phone.
Scarlet: [Boss] “Jarom, we’ve talked about playing video games on company time. Especially those haunted ones!”
Crazy56U: [Boss] “Were you seriously playing that Discord fucker’s game?! I sent out a memo about this!”
He shouted through the phone"Get your freaking keister
CaptainPipsqueak: [Jarom] “I’m sorry, sir, but I assure you my keister most definitely does not “freak”.
Crazy56U: Because apparently in the timeline where Facebook’s creation got pushed
back 8 years, all swearing in the world got regressed to 1960s preschool level
ToonGuy: Gotta go BACK in time.
in here and tell me what the hay is going on!"
Crazy56U: ...either that, or Jarom’s boss is actually Twilight in disguise...
I replied "Yes sir."
I walked down the corridor of shame
CaptainPipsqueak: Carpeted with the Carpet of Woe.
SC276: Torches placed regularly along the walls…
CaptainPipsqueak: And the air filled with the wailings of fired secretaries who are chained there...
Crazy56U: And he was forced to walk down it completely naked while everyone
pointed and laughed at him.
ToonGuy: And with a note saying ‘KICK ME’ near his penis.
JofY: And it was badly lit. All and all, the feng shui was just terrible.
to his office where I knew he was going to fire me right on the spot. There, I opened the door and sat at his chair.
JofY: Wow, you are an idiot.
SC276: I know, right?
Crazy56U: Well, if he was going down, at least Jarom’s going down in a blaze of...
Scarlet: I can only assume he did it Riker-style, for extra points.
He clearly seemed more ticked off than usual, and that's saying something.
JofY: Maybe because you sat on HIS CHAIR!
Crazy56U: Nah, he had hemorrhoids.
A guy like him never gets more than ticked off. That's enraged. That's what he was like now.
SC276: That’s you. That’s what you sound like right now.
Crazy56U: (deadpan) Thank for explain the mechanic of mad.
JofY: This is your brain on mad. Any questions?
"Jarom!" He yelled at me,
ToonGuy: Bless you!
Crazy56U: [Boss] “I thought I told you to change your stupid name!!!”
even though we were staring each other in the face
Crazy56U: Oh, goody, now Jarom’s face is going to be covered in spit...
"Do you know what you just did by letting whatever program that was into our servers?!"
Scarlet: [Boss] “I know it was you who did it because I backtraced it and you’ve been reported to the cyber police!”
Crazy56U: Ooh, ooh, let me guess, shenanigans?!
"No I don't sir…" I put my head down in shame.
SC276: Pretty sure you do, bubbleh.
Crazy56U: I know that this won’t be relevant in a bit, but how exactly did you get a job for Facebook again?
"You just erased all of our data and files to update Facebook and even the original code for it!
JofY: Because they never backed up their data.
SC276: He even got to their Git repository? And, y’know, everything on paper? Our web app development had a lot of paper.
CaptainPipsqueak: And portable media? DVD? Memory cards? Good fuck; do none of you understand the term ‘hard-copy backup’?
Crazy56U: Basically, Discord took a magnet to Facebook, killing it. Makes sense to me!
Do you know what this means?! Facebook no longer exists,
and thanks to you, all of us lose our jobs!"
SC276: [boss] “Because it’s not like we can just try again since, given we were testing how to invite people to games, we all know what we’re doing now!”
ToonGuy: “Yes, we’re such a good company that just one employee can destroy everything we’ve worked for, and we won’t bother trying again, so everyone must go! I’M SUCH A SMARTIE!”
Crazy56U: Oh. ... ... ... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
"Sir- I didn't!"
"Yes you did! Now get out before I call a law enforcement officer to take care of you!"
CaptainPipsqueak: “Or thank you! Or punch you in the face! One of the three! Maybe
all three! Why am I yelling?!”
SC276: They’re called “police” or “cops,” boss-person.
CaptainPipsqueak: He wanted to use big fancy words so he doesn’t sound like the head of a company of buffoons.
ToonGuy: Too late.
Crazy56U: Or, you could pull out a gun and do it yourself, Mr. Boss...
I ran out of there and out of the building never ever to come back again.
JofY: ‘Should have probably gotten my stuff first.’
Scarlet: I don’t think he’ll miss it, it’s mostly NES cartridges with the name of the game written in sharpie.
Crazy56U: Except he returned five minutes later to try and get his last paycheck.
I was happy that now I could leave that hayhole of a place
Crazy56U: Yes, because even though you yourself used the word “Satanic”, using the phrase “hellhole” would just be silly!
that clearly wasn't for me after this life-threatening experience.
JofY: That’s not even counting the game!
Crazy56U: How was that life threatening, you sucked at video games when you
should’ve been working!
Now I would be doomed to exile after forcing the biggest Social Media company to go extinct and wiped off the face of this planet.
JofY: So now it’s no longer a startup?
SC276: This is why I try to avoid doing stuff when angry. Continuity goes out the window.
ToonGuy: How did you know what he ruined next? Bill Gates was pissed.
Scarlet: I remember the wild west days when Facebook exploded because of My LIttle Pony. Good times.
Crazy56U: But Facebook literally was just getting started in this universe, I doubt it
reached the level of “popularity” it did here! Calm down, you’re making this way
bigger than it should be!
I would just go home and be a bum for a couple weeks so I could find a job where the stress and pressure wasn't on me too much.
JofY: Uh… No, that is not what a bum is.
CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, bumism is kind of set on the theory that you lack a house.
ToonGuy: Actually, lacking a lot of things.
Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure the implication is that he’s going to be evicted from his
house soon due to helping kill Facebook.
Only, I couldn't help thinking that that "Discord" character, the one who hacked my computer,
Crazy56U: Except no, that’s not what happened…
JofY: Oh, that rascally Discord.
probably was lurking around watching me somewhere.
SC276: ALWAYS WATCHING, WAZOWSKI. ALWAYS.
Crazy56U: Nah, I think he has better things to do than stalk your dumb ass. Like... ridding the world of social media websites. ...apparently...
Now I know, NEVER to trust any foreign message I get or any Social Media site ever again!
JofY: You’d think a company that’s on the internet would make sure it’s employees know about the concept of spam.
RingmasterJ5: Well, that was… something. Now for the sequel, “DiscordExe Part 2: Revenge of the Possessed Draconequus”
SC276: Oh god there’s more?!
ToonGuy: *head desks*
Crazy56U: G-guys, how did you not know? T-the name of this document is “The DiscordExe Trilogy”...
ToonGuy: I was hoping you’d just forget about it after reading the first story and let us all go home early…..I’m goddamn stupid.
Crazy56U: Well, you’re not wrong, this is a big #2…
JofY: It’s a comically oversized pencil?
Crazy56U: ...s-sure, let’s go with that.
Revenge of The Possessed Draconequus
SC276: So… wait, something is possessing Discord this time?
ToonGuy: You mean aside from bad writing?
Crazy56U: Drugs are possessing Discord. This is about to turn into a Very Special
Crazy56U: “This is the point of no return, turn back now…”
The " " program
JofY: The main characters from ‘No Game No Life’?
SC276: I wish. They might actually make this interesting.
RingmasterJ5: Oh, right, expect this a lot. FFNet removes all links, and it repeatedly caught “Discord.exe” as one. The author never bothered to go back and fix it because that’d be too much work, so you’re stuck with the main villain being referred to as two empty quotation marks from here on out.
ToonGuy: Well this story is certainly empty, so I can’t argue with that.
CaptainPipsqueak: Does this mean the villain is Old Man Saunders in a ghost costume, scaring away visitors so he can keep the pirate treasure and he would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids?
SC276: Don’t forget their dog.
CaptainPipsqueak: Scooby or Scrappy? Because Scrappy can fuck right off.
ToonGuy: And as for Scooby GODDAMN Dum… well, that’s one dog who won’t go to heaven.
Crazy56U: And now I’m being reminded of that one fucking episode of Family Guy, thanks for that.
that had destroyed the life of Jarom Jezrel and the popular Social Media site, "Facebook", now intended to do worse.
JofY: He was going to bring it back!
He was looking to eradicate all of the Social Media sites.
SC276: ALL of them.
ToonGuy: BUT HOW WILL WE SURVIVE WITHOUT TINDER?!?!?
JofY: Uh… The whole internet can be thought of one whole social… thing. Does it plan to destroy all internet? What about sites that have social elements to them like FIMfic? Sure, it’s main purpose is not to be social, but it has social elements to it. Is Skype included, or is it just internet sites? That’s quite a vague statement.
CaptainPipsqueak: Wouldn’t that be kind of like trying to destroy air at this point?
Scarlet: Discord- also North Korea.
Crazy56U: Why? Is it because nobody would like his posts or whatever?
This "program" was more than your average "computer program".
JofY: It was a “programed computer”!
Crazy56U: It was a cartoon character!
It was actually a "he". Crazy56U: Well, makes sense, Discord is a dick, so logically he should have one...
A "he" who was the ghost of an enraged soul who had been driven to suicide after his "so called" friends" had made fun of him because he told them he was a "Brony" or a "Bro" that likes "My Little Pony".
RingmasterJ5: “You’re” “using” “too” “many” “quotes”.
JofY: Given that quotes that aren’t of a proper noun, are meant to be sarcastic, does that mean that he was only pretending to be a fan or something?
SC276: I’m guessing that the author’s not one himself, given “Bro” is not an abbreviation of brony.
Crazy56U: Whelp, it’s that time once again to reference Supernatural!
Scarlet: ...I’m going to play my “get out of rant free card” by saving my thoughts on this chestnut to the end. May NaturalGlitch’s benevolent riffing spirit preserve me.
Revenge what was this awful spirit wanted. It was so that each of his "friends", worked at each of the Social Media sites:
JofY: Ain’t that just a mighty big coincidence.
Scarlet: What, were they planning to build a literal social media empire?
Crazy56U: Each earning a paycheck at each individual amount based on each quality of
work done by each of them.
"Facebook", "Twitter", "Tumblr", "YouTube", and the most evil that spirit thought about everyday, the place that his "friends" had "de-friended" him, "4chan".
JofY: Okay, that thing I told you to remember, I’m bringing it back up. Was Jarom, or whatever, friends with him? Because, he casually mentions that he heard about Discord from a friend! He doesn’t mention that the person who said it, he unfriended, or that person offed himself or anything! You’d think that might have been important!
SC276: The author is clearly writing by just pouring his unleaded rage onto his keyboard. He doesn’t give two fucks about continuity.
ToonGuy: Yeah, what schmucks would care about that? …...Goddamn it.
Scarlet: I’m just gonna be jerk and note that if you expected anything less than jackassery on 4chan, you might not have been born with common sense.
Crazy56U: Holy fuck, technically, my “nobody liked Discord’s posts” theory was right!
The devil of all Social Media sites.
RingmasterJ5: You know, 4chan! That place with the… friends list…
CaptainPipsqueak: This guy probably thinks the Internet is a series of tubes.
SC276: Who does this guy think he is, Chris-chan?
Scarlet: He’s too low-level dork to be Chris-chan. Also Chris-Chan would’ve included Deviantart in his list of targets.
Crazy56U: No, Author, that would be Tumblr. Trust me.
CaptainPipsqueak: Honestly, I think if every one of these sites vanished, the entire
planet would heave a sigh of relief and fill the void with something valid.
The five friends had gone to a psychic and found that their friend, after killing himself, was now haunting them using " " as revenge for their terrible crimes of bullying against him.
JofY: “Aw man, my computer has been acting up… Probably haunted.”
CaptainPipsqueak: “Well. that’s what you get for buying a Mac.”
Crazy56U: Never thought quotation marks could be used as a weapon...
They have made an "invincible firewall",
Crazy56U: Ah, so they invented McAfee. ...should’ve invented Norton...
although one of them forgot to install it.
JofY: How? A vengeful spirit is after him! I think that’d take priority in one’s daily life!
SC276: Also, if they made a firewall capable of keeping stuff of that caliber out, how have they not set the new market standard and are rich right now?
ToonGuy: Nah, they’ve succumbed to Lex Luthor Syndrome.
CaptainPipsqueak: Does this mean at some point one of them will steal forty cakes? Because that’s terrible.
Crazy56U: Because it was Happy Hour over at the local Sonic and, hey, half priced
slushees, who wouldn’t want that? Disclaimer: I fucking hate Sonic and their fucking
This is how this "friend" of this corrupted spirit was tortured by " ".
CaptainPipsqueak: Damn that “ “; damn him all to * *!
Scarlet: It’s like the author forgot to erase his placeholder.
Crazy56U: He was tortured by nothing, so, technically, the story’s over before it
Chapter 2: Joseph Jordan
Scarlet: Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Part IX: Discord.exe is Unbearable.
Hey, my name's Joseph Jordan,
CaptainPipsqueak: Hi, Joseph!
SC276: And now the author remembers he’s trying to write a creepypasta.
ToonGuy: Yeah, as someone who doesn’t read that many creepypastas, aren’t they supposed to be….I don’t know, going out on a limb here, stop me if you’ve heard this one before….creepy?!
Crazy56U: “and I’m here today to talk to you about Rogaine.”
I work for Twitter.
CaptainPipsqueak: Apt. My first thought was “This man is a twit.”
CaptainPipsqueak: My statement or his?
Crazy56U: Sorry if that confused you, that was directed to the guy who is willingly
working for Twitter. ...again, though, why?
CaptainPipsqueak: The Reason, you fool! The Reason!
ToonGuy: 42. That’s why.
My job is to check messages to make sure none of them are corrupted or with viruses.
JofY: Ah yes, those deadly 140 character coded tweets.
SC276: Judging from every Direct Message I’ve ever got, Joseph, you’re failing.
Scarlet: Ever-watchful for the Spam of Dio Brando.
Crazy56U: [Joseph] “This is, of course, the most boring job in the world.”
It's really easy, I have a program to check them, but occasionally a questionable one will come through.
JofY: It’s called: porn.
CaptainPipsqueak: Or, as we call it, half the internet’s reason to exist.
ToonGuy: The other half is to do with cats….
Crazy56U: And God help you if you combine them...
I check it and either delete it, or keep it.
SC276: Why would you keep malware again? Besides for emailing to your antivirus software developer of choice, with proper notice?
CaptainPipsqueak: To surprise a friend?
Scarlet: Clearly Jojo is doing it in order to use it as a secret weapon against the return of the Pillar Men!
Crazy56U: Maybe he just collects viruses for fun...
There was such a program, after I had found out " " used to be my friend, Jeremy Michaelson, who offed himself when we were teasing him for being a "Brony".
JofY: What is this fic and people with names starting with J?
ToonGuy: Maybe they’re part of a club. The J-Stars?
SC276: And how could he possibly know this anyway?
Crazy56U: Well, there are worse names. Like Derek (drops a thing on the table), for
I still regret it and blame myself for what happened. I try not to dwell on the past.
CaptainPipsqueak: “...I mean, I only destroyed his career. It’s not like it’ll haunt him for the rest of his life. Water under the bridge, right?”
Crazy56U: After all, until time travel is invented, what’s the point?
Anyway, a message appeared on my anti-virus software. It was from "Discord: The Master of Chaos" with the demonic draconequus profile picture.
Scarlet: This must be the work of an enemy Stand!
JofY: Or of a leet hacker.
Crazy56U: Figures Discord likes to selfie...
JofY: ‘Did the demon manage to actually change my anti-virus into something social?’
` Crazy56U: [Joseph] “Aw, man, I didn’t actually want to work today…”
I didn't want my boss to fire me because Twitter would be destroyed, but if I didn't click on it, he would just do it anyway.
JofY: He would click on the link?
SC276: I don’t think you understand how computers work. Actually, I read the last fic; I know you don’t understand how computers work.
CaptainPipsqueak: I actually think I may be getting smarter.
Crazy56U: Oh God, this is actually making me upset...
So, being the complete dumb person that I was, I checked this out.
Crazy56U: Okay, being self aware doesn’t justify crap. You don’t know for sure that
not clicking the link would be as bad as clicking it. CALL YOUR BOSS AND ASK FOR
I should have never clicked on that message.
JofY: Even though you had to click on it… clicking on it was stupid...
SC276: If you knew it would be stupid, why would you fucking do it?!
CaptainPipsqueak: Because he’s stupid, stupid.
Scarlet: Jojo, you fool! Where do you think that link has sent me flying to?
Crazy56U: Why didn’t you just take the third option and smash the computer?
It was my end of my great career at a very well-paying social media industry and the end of all that was Twitter.
RingmasterJ5: And everyone breathed a sigh of relief knowing that their conversations wouldn’t be limited to 140 characters anymore.
ToonGuy: *pulls out a party hat and places it on head* Go team.
Just like Facebook, I was expecting this to completely erase all of everything that was Twitter.
JofY: Because again, they never backed up anything!
Crazy56U: You literally already essentially just said that.
CaptainPipsqueak: These people are too stupid to get out of bed.
Scarlet: In the words of Harry Markopolous: “[he can] count to twenty-one if he takes off his pants.”
This day was a day to be remembered,
JofY: Yes today, August… wait… What’s today’s date?
Crazy56U: Heh, cute, you’re comparing this to Pearl Ha-
a day which I lived in infamy for the rest of my life, the bombing of My Career and Life Harbor.
JofY: But what will we do for Life Day without Life Harbor!?
CaptainPipsqueak: I dunno. But as long as Wookiees aren’t involved, I’m sure we can cope with it.
(To those of you who respect those who died at Pearl Harbor,
JofY: [Author] “If don’t like, don’t read!”
I do as well and I do not in anyway disregard their sacrifices for our country.
JofY: [Author] “But let me just toss a land mine right at my feet. What could go wrong?”
It was just something that sounded good to use-DiscordXChaos)
SC276: OK, one, author messages in the middle of the text. Two, equating anything this stupid to Pearl Harbor, you insensitive clod.
CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I’ve seen people do 9/11 based stories or “This person just died; I should puke out a thousand word story and wait for the upvotes for the feels” stories. The backlash is literally orgasm-inducing.
Scarlet: Given the Jojo kick this chapter name sent me on, may I propose we feed this guy to a vampire?
ToonGuy: Only if it’s a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE. Like Alucard.
Crazy56U: Better idea: let’s get drunk.
I foolishly clicked on the message, and it sent me to a game that was its own website in its own browser.
SC276: Three, it would open a new tab, at worst.
JofY: Wait, its own browser!? When did that download?
Crazy56U: So, wait, Discord invented his own browser along with his own game? Hell, what the fuck kind of game needs its own brow-
This game was in a 2d platform style similar to Five Nights At Freddy's 4 (Copyright Scott Cawthon).
JofY: ...oh fuck no.
Crazy56U: Oh, GOD, we’re- we’re just nosediving into the ground at this point!
RingmasterJ5: FNAF4 wasn’t even in a “2D platform style”...
Crazy56U: Maybe in this timeline it is, but that would be justifying the Author’s crap,
SC276: Actually, there was for a short time a “Five Nights at Freddy’s 4” platform game that someone put on mobile platforms. Scott sued for invoking detriment to his brand or somesuch and had it taken down.
CaptainPipsqueak: Stop defending the author. It makes me queasy.
Except it looked exactly like my bedroom at home… in my apartment.
JofY: Oh no! That must mean something… Possibly!
Scarlet; This must be the work of an Enemy Stand!
Crazy56U: Oh no! The game’s been modded!
I didn't know what to think, but it definitely was "What the cotton candy was stinking going on!?"
SC276: Well offhand, I’d say what was going on is you clicked a link you know you shouldn’t have clicked and why did anyone even hire you.
CaptainPipsqueak: And he’s also working for another company that doesn’t hard back-up their data. Why are these people allowed near computers?
ToonGuy: Also, that you’re a grown ass man who just asked “What the cotton candy was stinking going on?”
Crazy56U: USE ACTUAL SWEARS YOU CHUCKLEFUCK!
I know my bedroom has a door to the left and a closet at the right side. There was a window at the middle, over-looking the street and the houses below the apartment building. My dresser was at the left of the window and the right side had my desk with my flat-screen and my Xbox One on top of it
Scarlet: Jojo’s Totally Mundane Bedroom.
Crazy56U: This episode of “This Old House” is shit.
. The closet had my dress-shirts, suit coats, ties and tie hanger on it, and my polos hanging up and my books on the shelf above of Dragon Ball Z, Naruto, Bleach, any anime you could think of a guy could like, were hanging up everywhere on my walls.
JofY: Even Monster Musume?
SC276: So, half of them are hentai?
CaptainPipsqueak: Aren’t they usually?
Scarlet: Somehow I doubt Jojo has posters of Revolutionary Girl Utena.
Crazy56U: What about “Puella Magi Madoka Magica”? “One Punch Man”? “The
I was a "anime freak" as they would call it.
Crazy56U: You mean “otaku”. And I hate that I know that phrase.
Scarlet: Actually… no. “Otaku” is what western weebs call it, but contextually “anime freak” is a great translation. Hell, they used it in Space Dandy’s dub for that exact word. Points for not being as terrible as usual, person!
Crazy56U: Thank you for educating us, but I still don’t like that I know the phrase “otaku”...
ToonGuy: There is a solution to that. *holds out bottle*
Crazy56U: Thank you kindly. (puts head on table) Swing as hard as you can, don’t hold back.
Now I knew my friend hadn't been to my apartment, because the year he had committed suicide, all of my friends were still in high school and I was living in my parent's place. We had met using '4chan". I know, you are thinking, "4chan? Isn't that where Slenderman was created?"
JofY: Actually I was thinking: ‘You can make lasting relationships on 4chan?’
SC276: I was thinking “Isn’t 4chan famously where everyone is anonymous?”
CaptainPipsqeak: Nonono. This is 4chan: Where Everyone Knows Your Name.
Scarlet: And that name is “Anon”.
Crazy56U: Look, unless 4Chan has Norm, I don’t like it having that motto…
I know, I know
Crazy56U: Yeah, no, I don’t think ya do!
but at the time, we had no idea. We just chatted like regular friends do on message boards, talking about things we like and no one caring why we liked them or the reason we did.
JofY: Okay, fic, you’ve somehow managed to make something more B.S. than a ghost that wants to destroy all social networks. Stop now.
RingmasterJ5: “The horrendous gore that was constantly being posted in our ’personal threads’ was a deterrent, but we powered through it.”
SC276: I’ve only read like archives of quest threads on that thing, and I know this guy has no idea what he’s talking about.
Crazy56U: I have very little knowledge of how 4Chan operates, because I avoid that
site like the plague, but I extremely doubt the Author even knows what 4Chan is...
So I knew my friend Jeremy didn't know what my apartment looked like.
JofY: But for some reason, you trusted him enough to exchange names.
ToonGuy: “Well hi, random stranger, here are the keys to my house!”
CaptainPipsqueak: Why is this character ALIVE?!
Scarlet: Joseph Joestar’s Steel Ball Run equivalent is kinda lame.
Crazy56U: Except for that time Jeremy broke in and crashed on his couch.
But, this spirit did and I figured "If I don't figure out this game and how the layout of my apartment works in this game, then I may as well quit my job now."
JofY: Every member of Twitter has a minor in some form of supernatural work.
SC276: Can he just not hold down the power button until the power cuts? That’s a hardware thing, a program can’t change that.
Scarlet: He can’t because again, this is the work of an enemy Stand! ..and on my third time repeating this, I realize that honestly that would make more sense as an explanation than what we’ve had so far.
Crazy56U: So... quit, then...
I was very nervous, because I didn't want to be laid off because of my stupidity in playing this fudgesicled-up game.
JofY: This shit-up game?
CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Fudgesicled-up’? Oh shit; that’s going on my list.
ToonGuy: What is this guy’s fascination with sweet things!?
Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, I know that you know how to properly swear, jackass, stop
doing this shit!
I needed to call my boss.
Crazy56U: [Joseph] “I needed hugs.”
Although, right now the game was calm.
JofY: Best to wait till the absolute last second to let others know.
Crazy56U: Cue jumpscare.
The premise of the game "Five Nights at Freddy's 4", was to check the doors and the closet for the "Nightmare Animatronics" that lurk around every corner.
JofY: Wait a sec, if this is a year after the previous fic.... FNAF 4 hasn’t been made yet! I call hax!
Scarlet: [Jeremy] “How do you like that, Jojo? This is the power of my Stand, Nice Sprites! It teleports creepy video games from the future!”
Crazy56U: And the hallways, dumbass, you gotta check them too...
Only, this concept applied to my bedroom. I would have to look for the "animatronic" who was the demonic " "
RingmasterJ5: Ever been jumpscared by demonic quotation marks? Shit’s… well, not really intense at all, actually. They just kind of… float… at you.
ToonGuy: Kind of the Creepypasta equivalent of a ghost train. Things just sort of hop out and make odd noises.
SC276: So you’re starting on Night 5? Can’t creepypasta characters come up with a decent-ass game for once? Or at least something like that one shooter where killing an enemy deleted one of your computer’s files?
Crazy56U: Quotation marks are not demonic, try again.
I knew I would have to check my closet, the window, and my door. I could do this!
CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, most people can check their closets, windows and doors, barring some form of physical injury.
Crazy56U: [Joseph] “I could probably not fuck up!”
I could defeat this terrible and wicked program.
CaptainPipsqueak: Oh. You meant that.
Crazy56U: Which you could’ve done minutes ago by turning off the computer and not
playing the game...
I just didn't know how.
SC276: If Markiplier couldn’t get through the first night on his own, I don’t have high hopes for you.
Scarlet: To be fair, Markiplier tends to jump back when attacked by large enough dust bunnies.
I just hope I have the strength to defeat the "thing" that took down "Facebook" forever. Wait, maybe not forever!
JofY: It’s just most of forever.
Crazy56U: [Joseph] “Maybe just for an eternity, that sounds good...”
What if I took out this dreaded monster and rid the world of him, maybe that would change everything back to normal!?
JofY: ...Okay, everyone it’s time for your new favorite game: “Guess! His! Age!” He has just said that if somehow the coding for Facebook reappeared, the company would still be around to use it or something. With this lack of knowledge of how the world works, Guess! His! Aaaaaaaaage!
ToonGuy: Uh, I’ll put down five bucks on him being… five to seven?
SC276: Dude, the virus deleted Facebook, it didn’t steal it.
Crazy56U: This isn’t “Jumanji”, dude, winning the game doesn’t mean everything is
No no no, I would get completely killed in the game by this demonic software.
JofY: He’d die if he won?
CaptainPipsqueak: So we bet on a straight-up victory, then?
Scarlet: My theory of this actually being rejected JJBA material grows in credence.
Crazy56U: Wait, now your defeatist, what’s with the mood swing?
Sorry for my ranting, let's begin!
JofY: Okay, let’s see a guy play a game in a purely text based format.
CaptainPipsqueak: Five dollars says he gets trapped in a maze of twisty little passages all alike, ten says he’s eaten by a Grue.
Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, Joseph got possessed by the narrator for a bit...
The game comprised of me checking everywhere in the room.
JofY: This is a platformer.
SC276: Protip: if you’re going to make a creepypasta about a video game, play a fucking video game first.
Crazy56U: And now FNAF 4 became a point-and-click adventure game. I want to eat
It was painstaking difficult and boring at the same time because I was doing the same thing over and over, still pressured into waiting for the monster to pop out of anywhere.
Scarlet: I think he’s just copying reviews of FNAF 4 and adding editorials at this point.
Crazy56U: Wasn’t the Author’s original intent with this series to shit on social media websites he didn’t like? He should probably go back to that...
The game was you watching for the animatronics, "Foxy", "Chica", "Bonnie", and "Freddy". Now, it seemed like the game was just looking for "Nightmare Fredbear". That consisted of just one animatronic who was more overpowered than the rest of the chaotic crew. He could get you from almost anywhere.
SC276: God fucking damn, he is on Night 5. I WAS JOKING.
I looked and looked and looked until finally, in the closet, I saw something. Red eyes that stared back at me, with glowing intent.
JofY: It wanted to put glow paint all over him!
CaptainPipsqueak: “It puts the glow paint on it’s skin, or else it gets the hose again!”
Crazy56U: Dear God, don’t turn into porn...
JofY: Apparently the spirit just shot the guy.
Scarlet: Bad Ass Motherfuckers.
Crazy56U: Emeril Lagasse?! What’re you doing here?!
A giant face of the demonic Discord animatronic appeared on screen and a loud scream pierced my ears, making me fall over and hit the back of my head on the ground. I got up and kept playing.
JofY: ...Uh, it’s a bit late for that.
ToonGuy: Also, you’re taking this well. This was me, I’d have given up by this point.
Crazy56U: Yeah, fuck the potential concussion you may have, you’ve got a website to
fail to save!
Unfortunately to my dismay, the screen had a red text with blood oozing from it saying "Do you want to try again? Who's up for Night 2?
JofY: Skip this level, surely then you can then beat the harder version of this.
SC276: This series actually offends me with its base lack of video game knowledge!
Scarlet: I have a plan. *dramatically smashes the computer* See? Not even hard!
Crazy56U: (computer magically repairs itself) whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
This time it'll be different. Do you want to play again? I'll give you a real challenge this next time around."
SC276: Y’know, even though he died the first time. Why are you even bothering with the pretense if everything’s rigged in your favor? Just delete Twitter already.
Crazy56U: Is the challenge a game of Pong?
The two options, yes or no appeared. Maybe it was because I was dazed and mighty heart-struck by the jumpscare from earlier,
Crazy56U: Okay, “dazed” confirms that you have a concussion, but combined with the
heart thing makes me think that you’ve gone into shock and are now dying. ...please
ToonGuy: It’s like Jacob’s Ladder, except if the man who wrote it had never seen
anything scary before.
but I still persevered on.
Scarlet: Lamest. Jojo. Protagonist. Ever.
Crazy56U: Hmm... make a joke, or groan in pain... ...eh, both... (groan)
The next game that appeared, after I clicked the "Yes" button, was an arcade game similar to the one's in Five Nights at Freddy's 3 (Again, Copyright Scott Cawthon)
Crazy56U: I hope to God he sues you for this.
CaptainPipsqueak: And then burns your house down. With lemons.
ToonGuy: AND DOES SOMETHING EVEN WORSE. WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE..
CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, too far, man. Too far.
ToonGuy: Sorry…..long day.
CaptainPipsqueak: You never invoke the Mountain Dew curse unless he’s killed
you get when you try to please all the spirits to get the good ending. It was the blood red moon, black forest background from the game that Jarom played,
SC276: [narrator] “...which I somehow know about…”
Scarlet: Which I’m sure will look amazing rendered as an early arcade game.
Crazy56U: [Joseph] “and I know that despite not taking part in the first story is the same reason why this virus is threatening to delete Twitter if I don’t beat FNAF: because shut up.”
only in "Atari" style. The ponies dead in the background were all still scary, as their bodies were also almost realistic.
JofY: Can someone please tell me why Creepypasta writers have this insistence that things are realistic?
SC276: Atari. Realistic. Author, do you even see yourself write?
CaptainPipsqueak: I think this guy just thinks ‘2600’ is a series of numbers.
Crazy56U: Yes. Realistic Atari-style blocks you PIECE OF FUCK
Pushing forward, fighting back fear and terror, I walked through the level as the man who had a pink outfit with the blue "Twitter" logo on it and blue spiked up hair.
JofY: On the plus side, seeing that, he was no longer scared.
Scarlet: Maximum Anime Levels detected.
Crazy56U: Man, Sonic sure fell on hard times after he became human and starting
working for Twitter...
He was taking a stroll, no fleeing for his life, through the demonic wasteland.
JofY: Maybe it was just taking in the beauty of everything.
Crazy56U: Man, taking a Sunday walk through Hell is just the best...
As he got to the end, it got darker and darker until blood appeared on the screen and a red text with blood under it appeared saying "You lost, you got caught!
SC276: Are you fucking serious. Just “you lose,” without any warning, prompt, or even instructions?! DO U EVEN GAME
JofY: Clearly this was a hunting game with Metal Gear V’s mechanics and he was supposed to punch a tree several times in order to start crafting cover. In an Atari pixel format.
Crazy56U: BY WHAT?! THE BLOOD?!?!
How about Night 3!? You have one more chance to make your chances of saving your precious Twitter to an all time, never-getting-hacked-again status.
JofY: So if he wins, they will be hacked? Or maybe it’s that since the company still exists, they can be hacked and he’s twisting words?
Crazy56U: Joseph, buddy, at this point, it’s obvious that Twitter’s getting deleted no
matter what he says. Just turn off the computer and go get lunch, or something...
Are you ready for the Final Night!?" No no no no nope nope nope nope… I can't do this. I can't risk all of Twitter being completely wiped out because of my stupidity!
Crazy56U: And so, he calls his boss-
But, I must do it for my company!
Crazy56U: (slams head into table)
ToonGuy: FOR GREAT JUSTICE.
What if I don't?
SC276: Then we could all go home early! Fucking quit, ya moron!
ToonGuy: Argh, I’ve got DOCTOR WHO TO WATCH!!! DO SOMETHING YOU IDIOT.
Crazy56U: Then life as we know it will be marginally better off. Quit while you’re
I would probably die or Twitter would get deleted anyway. So I pressed "Yes" and continued.
SC276: There are not enough Floweys in the world to say how much of an idiot this guy is.
Scarlet: But they’re all going to anyway! *dramatically reveals an army of alt-timeline Floweys*
SC276: ...How determined are you?
Crazy56U: I hope to God this results in you getting stabbed with a spork, you dumbass.
The "Final Night" was a version of the camera checking from Five Nights at Freddys 1-3 (also Copyright Scott Cawthon).
Scarlet: OH really? After the first couple of times, I thought this one would be copyrighted to Disney.
Only, the goal here was to make the main villain never come to your office, or you were automatically dead.
JofY: Instead of in the real game where you’re supposed to die horribly.
Scarlet: What, the main villain is your boss and you’re playing video games on company time?
Crazy56U: Really, I thought it was wait until 6AM... I mean, there are instances of 6AM
being reached just as the jumpscare plays...
I tried, and the audio, which was an audio clip of Pinkamena's (insane Pinkie Pie's) laugh, played.
SC276: OK, why reference FNaF 1 and 2 if you’re just going to use 3’s mechanics?
Crazy56U: Because the Author has clearly stopped caring.
The creature moved from one room to the next.
JofY: Oh, the horror....
Crazy56U: Ah, so it was like most things.
I had done this several times when finally, he left, but I couldn't find him. I thought this was it! I was done! I couldn't work at Twitter after what I did. then moved to the camera close to my room. I clicked on the room way away from my room and played the audio, but it didn't happen.
SC276: Your audio broke. Reboot it.
Scarlet: On second thought, don’t. I want you to suffer.
Crazy56U: Oh dear, the audio drivers are fucked.
I continued this and he didn't leave.
JofY: Didn’t leave? You don’t know where it is!
Crazy56U: [Creature] “I just want to be friends! Why don’t you like me?!”
I had no choice but to give up.
SC276: I said reboot the audio, you goddamn moron.
Crazy56U: Yes. Lie down on the floor and cry. You just fucked everything up.
Again, the demon jumpscared me and this time I was ready.
JofY: He wasn’t wearing pants to crap in.
Crazy56U: He was already on the floor.
I shuttered just a little bit and I almost got scared.
SC276: Congratulations on not being scared of a FNaF jumpscare on the second go-round. It only took Markiplier, what, a dozen deaths before that happened.
Scarlet: Again, dust-bunnies.
Crazy56U: (pulls out a dust buster, gives it to Scarlet) Here, now you can shut up about those dust bunnies...
But, I knew I couldn't win.
JofY: After all, you spoiled it for us.
Crazy56U: Well, it’s kinda hard to win at this point given how, you know, you already
Goodbye career. Proceeding the insta-death, a screen appeared. "Good try!
JofY: “You get a gold star!”
Crazy56U: “You almost tried this time!”
Now Twitter is completely wiped off the map!
JofY: Oh, he didn’t destroy their servers, he just made it impossible to find their offices.
SC276: So, Twitter became Hogwarts?
Crazy56U: I’d like to imagine that this is playing in the background, just to insult
Joseph some more... Well, either that or because I want to be happy again.
Great! Awesome job! You are amazing! You let your entire company down by losing a game against the Master of Chaos! Ha-ha-ha!"
SC276: Is it really that satisfying to win a game you’re guaranteed to win?
ToonGuy: It’s a bit like watching that one rich kid who pays off all the other players to let him win a game of football. Why watch if you know the outcome?
Scarlet: Obsessive hate-reading?
Crazy56U: [Discord] “Yeah, you could beat my rigged-as-shit unbeatable games! Get
The game closed and I cried there for five minutes
Crazy56U: Suck it up, you big baby, you could've avoided this had you stopped being a dumb sack of crap.
until I called my boss, tears still in my eyes, but I held them back.
"Sir-sir-s-" I choked.
Scarlet: And died of asphyxiation a few minutes later.
"Yes what is it!? I don't have a lot of- wait I'm getting another call." He switched lines and then a few minutes later, switched back to my line. "Yes what do you want!? I know that our Twitter servers is offline, all of it is gone! What happened!?"
SC276: [boss] “...and the redundant servers, are you freakin’ kidding me? Is this anytime like the time half of the AT&T servers failed because their new version had a cascading DoS bug?”
Scarlet: No, no they reversed the polarity of the neutron flow by enhancing the image and isolating it. Makes perfect sense!
Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure the virus simply peed on the servers until they broke.
"I-I-I-" I tried to make into words "I couldn't help it! I knew that this virus was going to wipe out all of our data! I tried to stop it! I couldn't!
SC276: That’s because you didn’t shut off your computer because you did the same thing the idiot from Facebook did!
The virus completely took out all of our servers! Please… don't fire me sir!"
Scarlet: [Jojo] “Fire the guy who designed our security measures, he’s clearly to blame for this shit!”
Crazy56U: Yeah, no, your ass is grass, kid.
My boss paused for a few minutes and then responded, angry but calm "Hey- I understand your feelings and the thoughts you had, and how you had to save this company.
JofY: ...How did the boss know this?
Scarlet: He was watching the whole thing on youtube as this guy uploaded it as a Let’s Play, of course!
Crazy56U: [Boss] “I mean, yeah, you are dead to me now, but…”
But, I can't allow something like this to happen again.
Crazy56U: [Boss] “I’m coming down to your station right now. I have a shotgun. Running will only make things worse for you.”
I'm switching you to a different department.
JofY: Because the supernatural virus needs the man to be in IT for it to work.
Crazy56U: [Boss] “The broom closet. You can’t manage to not destroy our shit? You
can’t be trusted to use a computer. You’re the janitor now. Fuck you.”
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I knew this would happen,
JofY: You knew this would happen? You knew that a supernatural ghost would torment a person that said ghost was previously harmed by and that would lead to Twitter having all of it’s data removed? Actually here’s a better idea he could have done. Fire Jojo before all of this. That way Jojo no longer can access the servers, and the ghost can no longer get into Twitter’s servers to destroy it, or however it works.
Crazy56U: [Boss] “My fortune cookie said so. Never thought that fortune would come
so I saved a backup where the computer virus couldn't find it."
SC276: Twitter, smarter than Facebook? I’m not sure whether that’s stupid or
I answered hesitantly "Sir, you know he'll go to no end to find those files."
"No, I know exactly the place where I hid it is very virus proof."
SC276: [boss] “Behind the firewall you coded to keep it out that you didn’t market for some reason.”
Scarlet: [Boss] “I made sure it was a sterile environment.”
Crazy56U: [Boss] “Unlike you, I decided to actually take some precaution against viruses.”
"Thank you for not letting me go sir."
"It's fine… I understand your friend, Jarom, who works on Facebook had the same problem."
JofY: [Jojo] “...How did you learn all of this?”
[Boss] “I’ve been stalking you.”
SC276: If Twitter’s important enough to reach the point they had the resources to back up the site’s entire database as well as different departments, they probably wouldn’t have heard of the start-up that Facebook was in this universe. Actually, come to think of it, having Facebook as it was in 2012 would’ve made more sense. Having it be a start-up actually just tears more holes in the narrative.
Crazy56U: The Author just did the equivalent of snapping, lighting everything around
him on fire, and then laughing manically as everything burns down around him.
"Yes sir. It was bad. He's still out of a job sir. It's been a year since he had a job. Luckily my friend Scotty Clawen
JofY: Huh. That doesn’t sound familiar at all.
SC276: For crying out loud, you put the original guy’s name in copyright insertions! Why did you think this was a good idea?!
ToonGuy: We’re damned. ALL OF US.
was letting him stay with him as a roomate for really less.
JofY: For really less? Wow, that’s a good deal. My rent is for really more.
Crazy56U: (massages temples) I really hate you, Author... I really do...
Thanks for caring."
Scarlet: You know, usually someone says that last sentence sarcastically.
Crazy56U: The Author doesn’t believe in sarcasm.
"Hey, I do anything for my employees."
JofY: *audible wink*
Crazy56U: Which is why he’s going to put off killing Joseph for at least five more
"Thanks… I appreciate your understanding."
"No problem, see you later."
SC276: [Boss] *plans to deliver pink slip in person*
Crazy56U: [Boss] “(quietly begins loading shotgun)”
In the end, I told my friends about it. They were very surprised.
JofY: That you were a dumbass who didn’t put up the firewall? Because they already know about the evil spirit.
Crazy56U: Eh, “surprised”, “violently angry over your blatant stupidity”, same dif...
They were very happy with the fact I still had my job and with the fact that the evil spirit didn't ruin my life.
Scarlet: Sounds like the last time I hung with friends.
Crazy56U: I buy that.
I thank whoever helped me keep my job. I didn't believe in God, but if he is out there, then he probably helped me keep my job.
SC276: Well it wasn’t us. We’re not nearly so merciful.
Crazy56U: God is dead, this story killed him.
I thank God for my safety, and if he could help me help my friends, then we can for sure save the soul of our angered friend.
SC276: Yeah, right.
RingmasterJ5: Okay, this third part needs some explaining. I only read the first two before deciding we had to riff this, and THEN found out just what kind of hell this third part is once Fallen found it afterwards. It basically devolves into a crackfic, but at the same time the author still has this huge grudge against social media that permeates all aspects of the story and it’s just fucking insane. So, finally, here’s “DiscordExe 3: The Reformer Games- Mockingyou”. And hey, this one actually has paragraph breaks.
Crazy56U” Oh, hey, you brought things full circle! Going off of the title, apparently this is a Hunger Games story!
ToonGuy: It’s like it was meant to be!
Part 3: The Reformer games- Mockingyou
JofY: Well, at least the author finally admits he’s mocking us.
Crazy56U: Well, if that’s the intention of the title, then (loudly hisses)
After the "Incident" with Joseph, Scotty Clathen (Claw-thin is how you pronounce his last name)
Crazy56U: Oh, get it?! He had to explain the joke!!! AND THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW IT
WAS SPELLED THE LAST TIME!!!
JofY: Hell, both times, the pronunciation doesn’t make sense.
had come up with an idea to create a special spectacular software that could combat " ". It was named the "Pinkie Pie Program".
SC276: A Faith for this Revelation. I thought that firewall was that, though?
Scarlet: I wanted to call it Applied Phlebotinum. But noooo.
Crazy56U: Okay, this may just be me, but I think the Author is ripping off “Code: Lyoko”...
It has algorithms and formulas on a complex and intricate level enough to match the haunting power of " ".
JofY: IT COULD DIVIDE BY NOTHING!
CaptainPipsqueak: And thus, the universe ended.
Crazy56U: It was also Linux-based!
She was in the form of Pinkie Pie, but as an advanced AI (Artificial Intelligence).
SC276: Yeah, just pull an AI out of nowhere and base it on Pinkie, a.k.a. the mare known for being wild, unpredictable, and a serial murderer in one of the first and most infamous dark MLP fanfics ever written. This can’t possibly go wrong.
JofY: Also, didn’t they unfriend the spirit for being a brony? Sorry, “brony”? But, anyways, why would they then backtrack and design an AI off one of the characters from the show?
Crazy56U: Pretty sure Scotty was better off using Twilight...
This"AI" could destroy " " with Scotty's help. He would guide her through the levels this psychotic computer program put her through with his guiding commands.
SC276: So, you made a NetNavi?
Scarlet: That one Megaman anime resurfaces in strange places.
Crazy56U: He would do it using an Atari 2600 controller.
Scotty had made three other programs as backup incase things got bad. They were for each of his three friends, Jarom, Joseph, and Nikolai Instokil.
SC276: I feel sorry for the family that had to have that last name.
JofY: One of these things is not like the other. One of these, just doesn’t belong.
Crazy56U: What, you didn’t feel like naming the third friend another J name, like Jerry
Jackson, or some shit?
All of these other "programs" were capable of beridding the world of the evil software.
SC276: So they’re all NetNavis. You made NetNavis.
Crazy56U: So, in other words, Scotty and pals made a multi-agent program designed to rid the world of an evil computer virus. Holy fuck, you are ripping off “Code: Lyoko”!
Their plan was- well here's the story.
SC276: BattleChip in, and download!
Scarlet: If we use a Program Advance, can we skip the rest of this?
Crazy56U: Uh, can we just get the plan instead? I don’t want the story...
Chapter 3: Scotty Clathen
Crazy56U: No comment.
Hello readers, old and young!
JofY: Screw you, if you’re middle-aged though.
Crazy56U: (slowly flips the story the bird)
Wait, I'm writing in a journal, no one reads that.
JofY: People only read diaries.
Crazy56U: (throws up a second bird for good measure)
Well I guess you guys are reading this, so it is somewhat for my readers.
SC276: I am getting really tired of the fourth wall breaches.
Scarlet: That’s three times I’ve had to directly fight off metatextual attempts on our lives!
Crazy56U: (lasers engaged)
Anyway moving on, I have devised the exact plan to defeat the atrocious being that haunts us.
JofY: ‘This atrocious being, which we in no way are at fault for…’
Crazy56U: [Scotty] “I have located where the Author lives. I have amassed a large
mob. The Lord’s work will soon be done.”
ToonGuy: “And the Lord spaketh, may you taketh this pretentious prat out and beat him unto death. Aaaaamen.”
You already know, my "Pinkie Pie Program". It's capable of destroying that monster.
SC276: We already knew that, move on already!
ToonGuy: I feel like we’re walking around in circles repeatedly. And it’s getting REALLY DAMN OLD!
JofY: Hell, technically if we’re starting from this journal, no we don’t. He might have wrote about it before or something, but the earlier dialogue implies that this is the first entry!
Crazy56U: [Scotty] “You know, just in case you decided to skip the preface out of
I also made my friends ones just in case.
JofY: He didn’t bother with the zeros, unfortunately.
Crazy56U: [Scotty] “I also made my dog one, just in case things really go to shit.”
I am working at "Tumblr", and I check to make sure no material being posted was bad, virus software, or just inappropriate.
JofY: It’s called: po- Oh, wait I already did this joke.
SC276: I can assure you, in 2014 or whenever the fuck this is, this job did not exist.
Crazy56U: And I can assure you that this job still doesn’t exist.
One came up I was looking at, in the image feed, was of that dread draconequus " ".
SC276: You’d think the virus would change it up at some point, but NOPE.
Crazy56U: The Dread Draconequus Discord. ...eh, no, I prefer the Dread Pirate Roberts, quite frankly.
I immediately ran "Pinkie Pie Program".
Scarlet: Superhero mode, engage!
Crazy56U: [Scotty] “Annnnnd... the computer blue screened. ...shit...”
Pulling the mike up to me I said, in my best stentorian (or best loud and severe voice) of my boring old American accent I could do "Pinkie Pie Program boot up."
JofY: Queue magical girl transformation sequence.
Scarlet: If. Only.
SC276: Who the fuck runs a program with a voice command?! Do you not have a mouse?!
JofY: Maybe it’s supposed to work like a Power Rangers Morpher.
ToonGuy: Ah yes, the forgotten team, Power Rangers Myspace Force….I know I just dated myself, but screw it, THIS FIC’S GOING TO BE DATED IN THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS.
Crazy56U: [Siri] “(da dink) I didn’t find anything for ‘punky pie projective booter’.”
After a few minutes, a webcam of a pink screen with Pinkie on it appeared
JofY: That isn’t how… fuck it.
SC276: It’s a fucking NetNavi, only on desktop, I hate everything.
Crazy56U: Okay, ripping off season one of “Code: Lyoko” now, that’s... happening...
"What is going- oh it's that cursed ' '!
JofY: Hey! This is Tumblr! Where all identities are allowed even if they’re ‘ ‘ , “ “ , or even ( )! Textist!
Crazy56U: That cursed blank space. Didn’t know Pinkie hated Taylor Swift.
I've got this!"
"Load up the image, Pinkie"
SC276: ...What image?
Crazy56U: Discord’s image, duh.
"Okie-doki-loki!" She pulled the image up and " " was on a blood red background pointing down to a link that was to a game.
JofY: Having to manually type in a link? You know that’s evil.
Scarlet: OH SNAP.
Crazy56U: [Scotty] “What the... ...that’s the URL for Cookie Clicker! The fuck?!”
He said in the speech bubble "Play and let's see if your 'Pinkie Pie Program' can stop the Master of all Demonic Chaos!"
JofY: Hey, why does this sprit call himself the master of all chaos? Did he somehow earn it? Did he fill out the right paperwork?
ToonGuy: It’s a very complicated system. It’s all explained in the manual.
SC276: Is it like the afterlife bureaucracy that was in Beetlejuice?
Crazy56U: The Master of all Demonic Chaos Formally Known as Discord
"Should we go it, Scott sir?" Pinkie asked.
Crazy56U: “Should we go it”. Uh, Scotty, maybe you should bug tested your AI before
"We have no choice. We automatically forfeit if we say no."
Scarlet: I see this evil plays by Yu-Gi-Oh rules.
Crazy56U: (scoff) Nerd.
"Yes sir! Got it! I'll load it up right away!"
The program link opened to a game that looked similar to "Slenderman:The Eight Pages"
JofY: What? No copyright?
ToonGuy: Of course not! It belongs to that goddamn 4Chan! They have no rights.
SC276: First Sonic.EXE and Godzilla, then FNaF, and now Slender. And none with anything resembling fair gameplay. This evil spirit virus is the least creative evil spirit ever.
Crazy56U: (twitches in anger)
except the title was "Slendercord: The Eight Cupcakes"
Crazy56U: I want to punch something so bad right now...
and the picture on the title screen was Slendercord holding a cupcake.
JofY: Also, who wants to bet that the character will realize they’re playing a game based off a different game, where even if you won, you lost?
SC276: Freakin’ hell, we already know the whole thing’s rigged.
Crazy56U: Discord’s kinda one note, if you ask me...
There was only two buttons on the screen "Begin" and "Quit and Be a Loser".
JofY: Technically if you never play, you can never lose.
Crazy56U: The only winning move is to not play. ...dear God, if this turns into
Of course, I would choose the first option, "Begin", because I'm not one to quit easily.
SC276: Also, because no one knows the most famous line of WarGames.
Crazy56U: Also, the alternative would be admitting that he’s a loser, and Scotty vowed to never do that again.
So pressing that button, it took me to a third person point of view with Pinkie's model there.
JofY: It wasn’t given any textures or animation, it was just the model.
Scarlet: Pinkie’s scale model of Canterlot is super-detailed, to be fair.
Crazy56U: The future is now.
We were in the middle of the "Everfree Forest". Pinkie was playing, of course, in the first person point of view. I was looking in a third person point of view exactly like when you die in Black Ops 2 Zombies and your friend tries to survive the round.
JofY: Okay, I don’t play Call of Duty. Now, try explaining it to me.
SC276: Depends on whether or not these NetNavis are running on game or anime rules, but if it’s the former, this is basically Slender in third person.
Crazy56U: I’m sorry Author, I’m unfamiliar with the Call of Duty series. I actually play
good games, like “Splatoon”.
JofY: Does the character have two screens plugged in or something?
SC276: Are you telling me Pinkie’s video feed is showing her perspective, while you’ve got your own viewport? That’s just wasteful.
Crazy56U: And confusing as fuck.
which I could switch to from the perspective I was at right now,
SC276: Oh, so you can toggle between the two. That would’ve been nice to know before now.
Crazy56U: Still confusing as fuck.
had Pinkie Pie's hooves and a wand with the "Laughter" crystal on the end of Pinkie's Element of Harmony on it lighting the way.
Scarlet: We were kidding about the magical girl sequence! Although I’ll take what I can get at this point.
SC276: So, why couldn’t she have just been wearing her Element again?
Crazy56U: Because Scotty is a shitty programmer.
She was searching for the "Eight Cupcakes" you were supposed to collect while running from "Slendercord".
"Are you ready, my little Pinkie?"
Scarlet: When Princess Celestia does that, it’s affectionate because she’s like a millennia old or more. When you do it, you’re a condescending idiot.
ToonGuy: Or a creeper…...or a fusion of both.
Crazy56U: Or a sad human being.
"I totally am! I am so nervi-cited!" Pinkie Pie began "I want to play all sorts of games with this new 'Discord'."
SC276: Did anyone tell her he put at least dozens of people out of a job before now?
Crazy56U: Please, that’s not canon anymore!
"No, this is serious. We have to take this evil monster out. He loves destroying ponies and not caring about their lives."
JofY: Like look at all of the innocent ponies that he killed like: ...
Crazy56U: OH GOD, THAT’S TERRIFYING
"Then we must stop him."
Pinkie walked through the forest, searching for the cupcakes. With every new cupcake she found, Slendercord would get more difficult to run away from, as he was faster than the previous time before she picked up the cupcake.
Scarlet: I mean, not like your program literally designed to destroy this thing would, y’know. Fight him or something.
Crazy56U: Pinkie’s just toying with him, clearly.
I urged her to go faster, and she said she needed time. We were halfway when Slendercord teleported in front of them, going in for the insta-kill when the real Slender appeared and stopped him dead in his tracks.
JofY: *gets sent flying out of the room from sheer confusion*
ToonGuy: Look at him GO!
SC276: ...OK, we’ve had some form of Slenderman or another for like… three fics in a row now, discounting Catch.
CaptainPipsqueak: ...and honestly, that one did not need the help...
Crazy56U: ... (quietly puts head in hands) (begins openly sobbing)
Now I knew that was one of the programs I had created, because it did an amazing job of making Slendercord go away.
JofY: *walking back in* Yeah, because it’s not cheating when a program does it.
ToonGuy: Of course! IT ALL. MAKES. SENSE.
Crazy56U: (while still sobbing) No it doesn’t, shut up...
A thick Russian accent replied "Sorry it took me so long, I had to pick up a bottle of chocolate vodka- I mean chocolate milk- on my way to my office."
Scarlet: In Soviet Russia, Games code you.
SC276: Wait, this guy also made NetNavis based on Slenderman and Heavy? And didn’t say that at the beginning of the story because why now?
CaptainPipsqueak: A cross between Slender and Heavy? Wouldn’t that just make them ‘Dense’?
JofY: Why the need to change vodka to milk? Is that guy’s boss listening in?
Crazy56U: Oh, goody, Heavy wants to get crunk during this and, quite frankly, I don’t
Slenderman, in a creepy and dark voice responded
JofY: So, Slenderman isn’t the Russian?... I never thought I would say that.
Crazy56U: No, Slenderman is being controlled by the Russian, obviously. ... (pinches
bridge of nose)
JofY: Even the story will admit the characters are dumbasses.
ToonGuy: Sorry, isn’t Slenderman’s scariness based on how he...doesn’t talk?
Scarlet: It’s complicated, but really the answer is that Slenderman is scary only if you ignore ninety percent of what’s been written about him.
Crazy56U: Thank you.
You could pick up your chocolate milk later! We need to stop this 'virus' before it destroys everything in exiseance!"
JofY: Yeah! The internet is everything!
ToonGuy: This is going on top of my ‘Things I didn’t think Slenderman would say’ list
SC276: What is with everything in quotes?
Crazy56U: (chokes back another sob) I feel regret...
"Sorry I will not try and get my chocolate milk again…"
The Russian replied.
"It's ok Nikolai, now that you are here, our chances are doubled in finding the last four cupcakes.
JofY: Screw the other guys, the drunk russian is clearly what they need to win.
Crazy56U: Being drunk fixes everything...
It's gonna get harder from here on out." I comforted my Russian friend.
Scarlet: Oh god, no. The Slenderman program is controlled by a Russian programmer who made a vodka joke what?
SC276: OK wait, I think I got it. Slenderman is the NetNavi of the guy with the stupid fake Russian last name. That would’ve been nice to know before now!
ToonGuy: Oh shit I didn’t bring enough VODKA! WE’RE DOOMED.
Crazy56U: So... abandon all hope all, ye who enter here, then?
"Ok, we can do this, although we have one more 'friend' that will join the party!" Nikolai confirmed.
"Hey guys, sorry I'm late!" Joseph called out, in his Spanish accent.
JofY: Why is he now spanish?
Crazy56U: Well, maybe Joseph got jumpscared so much it caused him to change
nationalities... Why not, it makes as much sense as everything else...
A pony with no face and a suit with a slender-page-like cutie mark appeared.
SC276: are you fucking serious
Crazy56U: (eyes twitches) why
CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, one of the greatest benefits of having no idea about the source material is that I can look at stuff like this and just go “Huh; would you look at that.”
"Let's get that fake Slender!" The pony shouted.
Scarlet: Yeah, there’s nothing artificial about YOU guys!
JofY: [Slenderpony] “I mean, ripping off Slenderman, how could you!?”
[Slenderman] *somehow flips off Slenderpony*
Crazy56U: Coming from a fake Slender.
"Yeah, no one makes fun of the world's most renowned horror expert!" Slenderman cried.
JofY: The internet?
Crazy56U: Oh, cry me a river, why don’t ya, you slender piece-of-shit...
"Well then, are we ready guys!? Time to adventure into the deep unknown!" I cheered.
Scarlet: The Alph Ruins?
SC276: You just knocked the guy away. He can’t be that hard to track down. Also, how come there isn’t a pony avatar of Tumblr here like there was for Facebook and Twitter?
Crazy56U: You’re currently in a bootleg Slender ripoff. There is nothing “deep” or “unknown” about it.
A demonic Discord voice came from the sky, exactly like if he had a tower and he was using a speaker system to speak to all of us
JofY: Unfortunately for him, there was something wrong with the system so they had to call in IT, and they said that a certain part needed to be replaced which he didn’t know that they had, and s- *gets dragged off screen*
Crazy56U: (is the one dragging JofY) T-trust- trust me, t-this is for the best...
"You pathetic ponies and Slenderman think can rid the world of the most evil, most strongest, most haunted virus on this entire planet!?
JofY: Now he’s just embellishing.
SC276: Was there a poll so he could claim a title like that?
Crazy56U: He created a StrawPoll concerning it and the only options were “Yes” and “Yeah”.
ToonGuy: Yes, Definitely, Absolutely.
You can't I will destroy all of you and no one will find the data from anything I will destroy!
JofY: “Unless you remember to regularly backup your data, in which case I’ll still be kind of annoying, but still!”
Crazy56U: Then destroy this series of stories.
Ha-ha! All of you will be destroyed! Try and find those stupid cupcakes. It won't matter, I still will win, no matter how many stupid computer programs and people you throw at me!"
"Just you wait, ugly dragon-thing with no face!
JofY: Oh, wow. Think you solved global warming with how bad that burn was.
Scarlet: 2/10, not nearly enough sass.
Crazy56U: Coming from the ugly pony-thing with no face.
We'll wipe you off the face of the whole Earth you scumbag!" Slenderpony exclaimed.
SC276: So wait, the guy with no face insulted a guy by saying he has no face?
ToonGuy: Or maybe it’s like a Face/Off thing where they’re trading faces….The Cage would make things so much better.
RingmasterJ5: Yeah, just have him roll in, use that fucking rock attack and kill me every Lost run I- wait, wrong Cage.
Crazy56U: Takes one to know one.
"And rid the world of this awful imposter of the true Slenderman!" Slenderman yelled.
SC276: The fact that this is a freakin’ NetNavi?
Crazy56U: (deep sigh) (slowly lowers onto the floor) I- I’m gon- I’m gonna just lay down, here, okay? I-I’m still here, I- I ju- I just... ...I just don’t know anymore, man...
"Try, just try and destroy me! You'll see there's far worse to what I can do to all of you!"
JofY: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
The demonic voice faded.
SC276: Dude, the worst you can do is delete them. Just like you did with two social networks before this.
"Ok, first order of business, everyone scatter and find the last four cupcakes!" I ordered the group.
"Yes sir!" Joseph replied.
"On my way comrade!" Nikolai answered.
Scarlet: Because the game still matters because… somehow.
Slenderpony and Slenderman went their separate ways and Pinkie and I continued the search for the last four cupcakes. Slendercord seemed to be able to clone himself, because he was everywhere at once and could get all of us, as my friends using their mikes, were telling me.
JofY: So they weren’t programs? But… Huh? Could I get a flowchart here?
We were in serious trouble. He could gang up on any of us when we weren't looking. But, Pinkie and I tried our best.
Scarlet: We never gave up! We hung in there! We toughed it out!
SC276: I’d say they’re filled with determination, but...
We found two cupcakes and my friends found one each.
JofY: Wait, I thought he had 3 friends and only 4 cupcakes were remaining. Also, should are the two slenders included? The math is confused. Scratch that, I’m confused!
We came back to the middle of the forest, where the "Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters" ruins were.
SC276: Y’know, this is the most lifeless Everfree I’ve ever seen.
Then Slendercord appeared before us and clapped his hands.
Scarlety: And insert Citizen Kane clip here.
"Bravo, Bravo! Well done! You've passed my first test!
SC276: [Discord] “Somehow, even though I’m a flagrant cheater. Also, I’m not calling an instant loss with having multiple player characters in a single-player game because” *chocolate milk explodes*
JofY: I thought you only had to win one. Or is it the last one that actually matters?
Now onto the next one!"
"Wait! Slendercord, or I mean, , I have a proposition for you!" I called out.
JofY: Okay class, we already had “ “ and ‘ ‘ , but now we have this , , character. Pay attention, there will be a test later.
was about to snap his fingers and change the level to the next test he wanted us to do, when he stopped "Yes? What is it?"
JofY: Why do I have a bad feeling of dread on what’s about to happen?
ToonGuy: Ah, hello feeling of anguish. I’ve missed you.
"Well… I know you want revenge and all, but the man who pressured us into bullying you was Alma Corianton.
JofY: “His issues mainly stem from his parents hating him!”
He was the one who, without us really knowing, wanted us to make fun of you for your status as a 'Brony', Jeremy Michaelson.
ToonGuy: Well, shit. This is not going to end well.
CaptainPipsqueak: It hadn’t started well, either, so why wreck it?
SC276: I’m sorry, given season 2 had to have been at full swing by the point he died, how the fuck are you so stupid you can be tricked into bullying a friend so hard he suicides over something you don’t understand?!
We are truly sorry for the pain and anguish we caused you to take your life.
JofY: “We’re sorry, uh… What’s your name again?”
We never meant you to do the thing you did, we were stupid kids back then and we never understood how you truly felt.
JofY: You are all still accessories. Also, ‘stupid kids’ for an incident 2… 3 years ago? Seriously?
SC276: And I thought Mykan was a fucking idiot.
If you could forgive us, maybe then we can work together to stop the man behind 4chan.
JofY: Just two years before retirement. Also, just because the platform may be wrong, doesn’t mean that the one who built it had bad intentions, so fuck you.
ToonGuy: I’m beginning to think that this man has slight delusions of grandeur.
The one responsible for kids putting their phones in microwaves to try and charge them, the kid who put the grenade in his toilet because he was faked into thinking it would be a wicked splash, and the man who posted the people hanging themselves. That was all him!
JofY: Accuse! Accuse!
SC276: One, how does a kid get access to grenades? Two, whatever makes you think all of those were one guy?!
We have to stop him, and we need your help!"
JofY: No one else on the internet would want to follow in his footsteps!
I preached to " ".
JofY: ...Why is no one calling him by is actual name?
"Wait, that was him? That sick freak!" Joseph shouted.
" I didn't know idiot children would think a microwave could charge their phones?! Ha-ha that's funny!" Nikolai laughed.
SC276: Says the guy that was talked into bullying a guy into killing himself! It’s stupider than knocking someone out by saying there’s a gas leak and having them hold their breath until they pass out!
"Nikolai!" Everyone shouted at him.
"Sorry…" Nikolai apologized.
"I know, we just need your help, Jeremy."I finished. "We promise we won't destroy you as long as you help us stop Alma from his rampaging internet destruction!" I called out to my best friend.
JofY: You barely remember his name! You bullied him to suicide!
SC276: Also, all Discord’s done in this story is destroy the Internet!
"Ok… I-" Demonic Discord's voice suddenly was wavering back and forth from a young man's Scottish voice to the monster who had troubled his best friends for so long
JofY: ‘In all honesty, it was quite silly.’
"Ok- I will do it- I can't do it! I am the Master of All Demonic Chaos!- But we must!"
So " " was having an internal affair, in which the good was trying to overcome the evil. "No! I MUST CONTINUE MY EVIL REIGN TO DESTROY ALL THE EARTH'S SOCIAL MEDIA SITES!"
JofY: Oh, I’m sorry, but in actuality, 4chan is from Pluto. Sorry bout that.
" " screamed.
All of a sudden, the evil " " was transformed in a blinding green light into a man with ginger hair, a dark green hoodie , lime green Levi jeans, a bright green t-shirt, and a pakistan green fedora, and Cal Poly Green Propel 2.0 Heelys that were forest green with a lawn green circular logo on the side and laces.
JofY: Anonymous delivers.
SC276: Gheeze, St. Patrick, tone it down a bit.
ToonGuy: Lucky Charms and their delivery got weird in the early 2000’s.
He fell to the floor, on his knees.
"Woah, woah, what in the hay just happened?" Pinkie asked
JofY: None of us know.
"Did ' ' become, 'good'?" She asked me.
"Yeah. Help him up please." I persauded her.
"Um… I have hooves… I can't." Pinkie mumurred.
Crazy56U: The Pinkie Pie AI is unable to cheer someone up, instead opting to blame
her hooves. How do you fuck up programming an AI that bad?
"I have got it, good sir." Nikolai started "Slenderman, help this poor troubled young man up again please?"
SC276: What happened to this guy’s Russia again?
JofY: “Slenderman, could you please become an upstanding member of society?”
"As you wish, my master."
JofY: Why does a Russian own internet Slenderman?
Slenderman, as tall as he was, bent his knees and reached his hand out to the troubled soul.
JofY: Slenderman doesn’t have hands.
SC276: This guy hasn’t shown factual accuracy for two and a half fics. You really think he’s going to start now?
JofY: I’ve been nitpicking the facts on these for over two and a half months. You really think I’m going to stop now?
The young man took it and got back up on his feet.
"Thanks guys. I was really taken by a truly great evil there.
JofY: [Jeremy] “My Little Pony.”
I appreciate the help!" Jeremy announced.
"Anything for someone who definitely needed it, my good friend." Nikolai said.
SC276: Has the writer forgotten he’s supposed to be doing a creepypasta again?
ToonGuy: This is what happens when Fluttershy writes Creepypastas….actually, take that back, she’d probably write one better.
"Even if we didn't seem like we would all those years ago, that doesn't matter now, all that matters is we'll help you now." Joseph, with guilt in his heart for his sin against his friend, explained.
SC276: Because the writer has no idea how a freakin’ story works.
"It's alright. I understand how bad you must of felt for what you did to me. I forgive all of you for the crimes that were so unintentionally done unto me.
JofY: One, what crimes? No seriously, I thought it was just that they unfriended him and that isn’t a crime... Did they actively attack him!? Because that requires intentional effort!
I just hope I can move on and forgive myself of the crime against myself." He sobbed.
JofY: 5 minutes before, he was the most EVIL! POSSIBLE! THING!
"Hey! Hey! Don't get down! Pinkie will always turn that frown upside down!" She came over and hugged Jeremy.
"Thanks…" He sniffed. "I always knew you'd be there to lift me up when I was down." He stood firm and spoke with much boldness "Now I'm ready to destroy 4chan and it's evil ruler, Alma Corianton, the Master of all Evil Chaos!"
JofY: ...I don’t think 4chan works like that.
SC276: What is with this author and overly dramatic evil titles?
"You darn right we are!" Slenderpony exclaimed.
"As right as a right turn!" Pinkie shouted.
JofY: Damn it Pinkie! We were supposed to take a left! Now it’ll take forever to get back on the freeway.
SC276: What were we supposed to do at Albuquerque again?
"No evil is as evil as the Master of Evil himself: Slenderman! He won't beat me at being evil!" Slenderman yelled.
"Well, if we are all ready! Let's do this!" I proclaimed.
A yellow pony with a beautiful pink mane appeared "Fluttershy's here now!"
JofY: Because why not.
SC276: Exactly what every creepypasta needs: more Fluttershy.
"Jarom! Hey, she looks great! Nice job on the 'Fluttershy Software'!" Joseph pointed out.
JofY: I’ve forgotten if I’ve pointed this out already but since this does need to be stated, these people bullied a friend to suicide because he watched MLP!
SC276: On top of the fact that guy crashed Facebook, how the fuck would he know how to make a NetNavi?
"Thanks…" The Afghani, Jarom, replied.
JofY: ‘Course if he wasn’t so Afghanistan he would have said it better.’
SC276: What do these nationalities have to do with anything? If they were important, they would’ve come up when the guy was introduced in the first story.
"Now let us berid the world of this evil!" Jeremy shouted.
JofY: A story about a “ragtag” group of people trying to destroy all evil by attacking one singular group… If this starts talking about the morality of atoms, I’m leaving.
SC276: Also, attacking 4chan is exactly what Chris-chan did, so…
ToonGuy: We’re still sweeping up the ashes from that…..got some over my nice shoes.
"Yes… but we need you to use your supernatural powers to create a game where we are hacking into their software." I added.
JofY: Why? Is it the firewall that forces it to be like that? Can’t be because it was made in retaliation. Hell, that would actually have been a good reason to explain the whole game aspect. After all, it’d be something.
SC276: Pretty sure I had the idea of video games being one of only two places where cyberspace could reasonably exist first. I oughta sue.
"Alright. If it's for my friends, then I can do it!" Jeremy confidently addressed the group.
"Okie-doki-loki-poki-artichoki!" Pinkie declared.
SC276: Oh my god, Pinkie, shut up.
"That was over-the-top my pink pony pal." Nikolai noticed.
JofY: In a way that was not awkwardly phrased at all.
CaptainPipsqueak: No you’re not, you lying equine bitch.
"No problem my pink pony pal." Nikolai made a very spectacular return.
JofY: Return? Return from where?
SC276: The same long nickname twice in a row? That doesn’t get tiresome fast.
CaptainPipsqueak: And certainly not once.
"Can we go already!? I have an appointment with Slenderwoman on Facebook in an hour."
JofY: Oh… Oh my… You just murdered continuity! You butchered it! You bastard!
SC276: The entire first story was about Facebook being destroyed, are you fucking kidding me!
CaptainPipsqueak: No, that was FACEbook, This is FaceBOOK.
ToonGuy: Slenderwoman? *imagines, shudders* Oh, uh, boooo, continuity’s dead.
"Oooh! Is she cute!? Can I meet her!?" Pinkie hollered.
"No no no and most defintely no! This is my alone time with her… but…"Slenderman hesitated "She is very pretty, yes…." Slenderman blushed.
JofY: She has just the most beautiful face with no identifiable features.
SC276: Why won’t the Skip button work?!
"It's ok… I have a friend back home who I think the same way about. He looks like me, but his name is Bubbleberry.
JofY: “He’s a color swap of me!”
He's soooo adorable!" Pinkie also blushes.
"Can we just get on with this and destroy Alma and 4chan before I get love sick!" Jeremy bellowed.
SC276: For once, some sense in these stories!
ToonGuy: Don’t get comfortable with it.
"Yes sir…"Slenderman and Pinkie uttered.
"Now, Jeremy, can you do the honors?" I directed.
CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Honors’, ‘horrors, ‘potayto’, ‘potahto’...
"Yes I can!" Jeremy pointed his palm out in front of him and a green portal opened up. He gestured them to go through it "Ladies and Slenders first. I'll go last."
"Yes siree we'll hurry with Cheerilee!"
JofY: [Cheerilee] “Help! I’m being dragged into this story!”
SC276: For the love of Mew, Pinkie, shut up already!
Pinkie Pie ran through the portal. Everyone else followed her.
The place they came to was… demonic to say the least. There were floating images of evil and sick twisted events listing here would make you get nightmares over and over again.
JofY: Oh, that’s just /b/.
Let's just say the evil here would make Satan look like a small pathetic mouse compared to this giant house cat of pure malicious and cruel intent.
Alma Corianton had changed happy and good 4chan (let's be honest they are evil or just anti-hero, but now they are demonic), to a corrupt and vile state.
JofY: They didn’t change anything… but EVIL!!!
SC276: So they made something that was evil… more evil?
Everyone was about to puke, even if some of them were computer programs.
JofY: Their only salvation was pressing Ctrl+P+U
SC276: How about Ctrl+F+U? Also, I love how the author had no problem describing a giant-ass field of pony corpses, yet keeps everything vague when describing what is basically this guy’s idea of Hell.
CaptainPipsqueak: Maybe we should handle the descriptions, then? This is certainly our version of it.
Then a man with black ruffled hair and a goatee, horns, dark red skin, fangs, claws on his hands and feet, and wearing a red robe all the way down to his feet appeared there in front of us.
JofY: Hey, Bob.
He was holding a staff made of the bones of human remains. The top of the staff was a demon skull with horns, long sharp nose, and sharp teeth. He cackled with a very dark and scary voice that shook the whole room, even if it was the game.
SC276: Well this guy doesn’t trip every “evil” flag to ever exist.
"You can't beat me! I am the devil!" Alma shouted.
JofY: “Oh! Hey, didn’t see you there. This? Just rehearsing for my next play.”
ToonGuy: It’s getting rave reviews, especially from the riff community!
SC276: Called “Put That Fic Back Where It Came From, or So Help Me.” Also, the devil has hoofed legs. Also also, “You cannot infect me. I have firewall.”
"NO! You can't do this!
JofY: Yes he can. True you are trying to stop him, but without that, he would have the ability to do whatever he just wanted to do.
I know what it's like to be evil, it doesn't benefit anyone at all!
JofY: I would like to take the opportunity to point out that 4chan has done things like catch animal abusers, and given us Chocolate Rain, Rickrolling, and Cat memes.
SC276: Also, Ruby Quest, Nan Quest, and Magia Revolution. I… think that’s 4chan, at least.
ToonGuy: Yeah. What have you done, hero? Don’t see you laying down any laws of the internet.
You need to stop!" Jeremy roared.
"STOP!? STOP!? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!
JofY: SOMEONE WHO HAS CAPS LOCK ON AND DOESN’T REALIZE IT YET.
I AM THE DEVIL!" The devilish human vociferated.
JofY: I would like to remind you, this man used to be the other’s friend.
SC276: I can’t believe the author actually used “vociferated” correctly.
"Ha-ha-ha! Laughing is hurting my side!" Slenderman began "This guy thinks he's evil! I eat children for breakfast!
JofY: ...Yeah. They’re a nutritious source of vitamins. I don’t see the problem here.
SC276: Oh that Slenderman! *laugh track*
ToonGuy: “We’ve secretly replaced their regular Slenderman with Folger’s Crystals, let’s see if they notice.”
This guy just corrupted a website, you can't get evil by doing that! This is just a computer program!"
JofY: Dude, right now, he could say: “I know you are but what am I?” and be right.
SC276: Then the previous Discord just took out a handful of websites, which doesn’t make him evil either. Just an absolute jerk that couldn’t make a fair game to save his life.
JofY: [Daveil] “My leg!”
ToonGuy: “MY CABBAGES!!!”
The devil sent a spell from his staff at Slednerman, a giant fireball, towards the faceless man
JofY: After aiming, he fired an aimed shot.
SC276: Just in case you didn’t catch it the first time.
and he was thrown back against his friends, being the bowling ball against the pins.
SC276: Watch, the rest of the game’s gonna be gutter balls.
"OUCH! Man, warn me next time!" Slenderpony stood up with much difficulty, still hurt from Slenderman's force of impact.
SC276: [Slenderman] “Bosses telegraph their attacks! Haven’t you ever played a video game before?!”
Slenderman got up and sent his tentacles at the beast, grabbed him, and threw him in the opposite direction of his friends "NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE, MESSES WITH THE KING OF HORROR!"
JofY: Alfred Hitchcock?
After the demon hit the ground, he got up like that was a a small bruise, and then proceed to grab Slenderman and crush his bones, even though he was a computer program, the game gave him a physical game body and then tossed him like chopped liver
SC276: This is why no one likes ragdoll physics.
"NO ONE HURTS THE DEMON KING SATAN!"
"No…. no! You can't hurt my daddy! YOU'LL PAY!" Slenderpony then grew spiky red hair and demon red eyes on her face.
JofY: Awww… That’s adorable. I just wanna pinch his check.
ToonGuy: HE HAS BECOME, A SUPER SLENDERMAN GOD!!!!
A bright red aura exploded around her and she yelled "RAAAAAAGH!" The aura blew up even more in a red hot fury.
JofY: Yay! She blew up!
"NO ONE TOUCHES MY DADDY!"
SC276: Gheeze, no one can do anything around here. Also, Super Saiyan Slenderpony.
"Ooh…" Fluttershy whispered "She's even more scarier than me when I'm mad."
"It's ok." Jarom consoled her.
"Thanks." Fluttershy replied.
JofY: Yes, tell us more of how a red pony is scary. Heaven forbid you show us.
"YOU WILL DIE DEMON FREAK!" Super Slenderpony then shot a giant red chaos blast at the demon and he took it. He was still standing there, but was majorly burnt. He thought he could take it.
SC276: I thought I could take this. Clearly, I was wrong.
ToonGuy: We all were…when will we learn!?
"HA-HA-HA-HA! That was weak! That tickled! My turn!" He threw his staff down and shot a demonic black blast at Super Slenderpony and she countered with a chaotic red blast of her own. She struggled to keep the black blast away from her.
JofY: He shot a blast. She shot a blast. He shot a blast. She shot a blast...
SC276: Everyone’s heads were darting back and forth trying to follow the ball.
It was a super serious power struggle, one fighting for strength to throw their blast against the opponent's.
JofY: Like a game of tennis!
The blasts went back and forth until Demonic Alma shot a blast that pushed Super Slenderpony's back to almost getting killed level when Jeremy shot a lime green blast of his own to help Super Slenderpony's blast. He was now like a Super Sayian, but his hair was light green and spikey with a forest green aura around him.
JofY: When one isn’t B.S. enough, have two.
SC276: I WAS JOKING
ToonGuy: Easy there fellas. We’re on the tail-end.
"I have got your back Super Slenderpony!" Jeremy shouted.
JofY: Jeremy then proceeded to tear out Slenderpony’s spine and ran away.
"Dont forget us!" Pinkie cried. Pinkie and Fluttershy ran up next to Jeremy and Super Slenderpony.
They both powered up into their Rainbow Power forms.
JofY: Okay, without checking, who wants to bet that the author got down the colors remotely to their actual design?
SC276: For a moment, I thought Slenderman went Rainbow Power, because that honestly wouldn’t surprise me at this point.
Pinkie had a yellow, orange, and blue rainbow going across her mane with balloons of dark pink, purple, and light blue on her hooves, stars all over her mane, and a bow in her mane with a light yellow star in the middle. There were dark pink circles under her eyes and her cutie mark area a darker pink,. She had a light pink aura bursting around her. Fluttershy had grown a slightly longer mane with light blue and purple streaks in it. Her, now light purple wings, had light blue outlining with dark purple hearts on the edges of them. Her cutie mark had a couple extra butterflies on it and there were now all kinds of colors of butterflies on her hooves. A light blue aura burst around her. Pinkie shot a pink blast and Fluttershy shot a light blue blast that knocked the Demonic Alma's back.
SC276: Forget accuracy, that’s way too much freakin’ detail in a written medium for a simple appearance chance.
He struggled, he tried and tried to push their blasts back, but to no avail. The blasts knocked his back a significant distance. "NO NO NO NO!" Demonic Alma shouted. Our heroic blasts overcame the evil blast and completely destroyed the Demon.
JofY: That was easy.
ToonGuy: I think that I’m going to lie down after this.
Crazy56U: Damn it, we should’ve gotten a Staples button, it would’ve fixed this
Everyone turned back into their original selves after the demon was destroyed.
JofY: [Daveil] “Ah ha! Second wind, bitches!”
SC276: So, wait, did they destroy 4chan? I’ve lost track.
Everything was changed back to normal. The area around them became tan with the 4chan clover logos floating around and positive messages floating around instead of evil ones.
JofY: Like: ‘FUCK YOU!’ or ‘You a faggot’... It’s 4chan. What do expect the messages to say?
The Demon now was turned into a man with a red t-shirt, black jeans, black spiky crew-cut hair, and dark brown skin.
JofY: What? No face?
SC276: If this guy hates social media sites, why does 4chan get a pass and the guy in charge of it was just possessed by generic evil?
ToonGuy: Because you expected continuity?
He opened his eyes.
JofY: Once he saw what he was wearing, he never opened them again.
They were a slight maroon color, but not bright red anymore. He cowered in fear because he thought his friends would never forgive him.
"Friends, I'm…. I'm sorry for the way I have treated you- especially Jeremy.
JofY: I’ll give the author this, the turnaround is as fast as in MLP.
I was awful- the way I treated you hurt you and drove you to take your life. I didn't mean it to go that far.
JofY: How far did you plan? You do not become the devil overnight.
SC276: I do not think you thought your cunning plan all the way through.
All of you, I need your forgiveness.
SC276: Guess who’s gonna starve to death then.
I just hope you can forgive me, and I can truly forgive myself for sending my best friend to a fate worse than death, becoming an evil computer program bent on destroying everyone."
JofY: [Alma] “Saying it out loud, it’s kind of stupid.”
Then Alma cried and tried to wipe the tears off his face.
JofY: Inside a computer program.
SC276: /me starts sobbing.
Crazy56U: No, no, like this: ;________;
"Hey it's ok! We all forgive you Alma!" Jeremy shouted.
JofY: [Jeremy] “You only made all of my friends treat me like dirt because of something I liked leading to me ending my life with hatred. No biggy.”
SC276: Also, hundreds of people out of a job. Does your imaginary world where Facebook is a start-up have a better economy?
"I know my friends forgave me for the awful things I did.
JofY: He only ruined the lives of hundreds if not thousands, of people, and that’s assuming that Facebook was a startup.
ToonGuy: My head hurts. Not sure if that’s because I’ve hit it against so many blunt surfaces or because it’s just so bad
Everyone, give this man a great big hug!" Everyone came in for a group hug. They hugged their new friend tight.
"Ok-ok thanks guys. Please let go." Alma sniffed.
SC276: Choke him to death!
"Give the new guy some room." Pinkie backed up and everyone did as well.
"What now? No more evil demonic computer programs to take out! What now?"
CaptainPipsqueak: That’s your answer for everything. Broaden your horizons, man.
SC276: How about marketing NetNavis and that firewall from the last fic and getting rich?
Slenderpony was eager to take out the next evil-doer who managed to mess with them.
SC276: I thought he was in this to get rid of competition for evil.
"How about all of us get together in-wait- you aren't alive anymore Jeremy…
JofY: And like that, Jeremy poofed out of existence.
How about we set up a server where all of us can get together once a week and Jeremy can meet us. I bet God can work something out like that, he wouldn't mind." I suggested.
"Sure! See ya later guys! I gotta go apologize to God!
JofY: “God, about that position you gave me…”
SC276: God is involved, and yet he didn’t stop a ghost from destroying Facebook?
Hopefully he can truly forgive me for the terrible things I have done." Jeremy said as he faded from existance.
SC276: Too bad the story couldn’t go with it.
Crazy56U: Suddenly, The Killers.
"BYE!" Everyone shouted.
CaptainPipsqueak: Actually, it was “DIE!” They were trying to speed the process.
Alma agreed "Meeting once a week would be ok."
I couldn't say we all lived happily ever after because
Crazy56U: You all took part in this?
Jarom was trying to find a new job and Joseph was trying to get his old job back, but we were content now that " " and that evil demon were wiped off the face of the planet.
JofY: Unfortunately it burrowed deep into the body of the planet and it’s been weeks since last seen.
SC276: Hasn’t it been like at least two years? Is it really so difficult to recover from crashing a start-up no one gave a shit about? Like, are the grocery stores not hiring?
Jeremy did get a chance to visit us every week, on the assumption that he would do good things instead of bad things.
JofY: Wow. Science fiction authors are rolling in their graves after that statement.
Crazy56U: Even the ones who are still alive, it was that bad.
Alma was working on making 4chan the most happiest place that can be, with no malicious or evil posts being made and those who did would get banned.
Fallen Prime: I’ll take “Unrealistic Fever Dreams” for $1000, Alex.
ToonGuy: And I’ll try “Incredibly Stupid Optimism” for $2000.
JofY: I’ll go for “How the Hell Did He Get to Be in Charge in the First Place”... for $3000.
CaptainPipsqueak: And I’ll take “Oh ho ho, you have got to be shitting me!” for the win.
Crazy56U: (puts head in hands, begins screaming)
SC276: It’s a Daily Double!
I continued my job at Tumblr, and I even got promoted to a Manager position.
Fallen Prime: Yahoo’s made sure that position’s worth jack shit.
Crazy56U: Hey now, we’re not exactly sure if Yahoo bought Tumblr in this timeline...
I thank Jeremy for not ridding the world of Social Media sites, because we couldn't meet each week and everyone would be sad they couldn't talk to friends far apart. I'm just glad everything turned out ok and no one else was hurt by the evil monster my friends and I had created.
JofY: So, how’s all the thousands that became jobless after Facebook disappeared?
SC276: If the author just only hated Facebook, why bother with the other two stories?
Crazy56U: Because he’s a sadist.
Thank chocolate milk for that.
JofY: Regular milk can suck it.
SC276: You leave the sweet delicious brown gold out of this.
Crazy56U: (dumps a gallon of chocolate milk onto the floor while flipping you off)
Anyway, gotta go, I've written as much as I can and told the whole story for you guys. Have fun and enjoy our tale of " "
JofY: And this has been, The DiscordExe Trilogy. And what a fucking piece of shit that was. I struggle to think of a fic that was as factually wrong as this one was. Every single part about this fic has no clue how anything works. Hell, I’m not even sure what the author was trying to achieve with these stories. Sure, you could say that it’s an attempt to dethrone social media sites, but the people who work on it are the protagonists, and are attempted to be shown as good people. Not even 4chan is purely lambasted, as it says that it’s just one guy’s fault for how bad it is. Can’t say that it’s a story about redemption, since that whole bit only occurred in the last story. It ain’t even an OC insert fic since each story focuses on different characters. And don’t tell me that’s it’s a creepypasta type horror thing, since it never makes an attempt to try and show that the protagonists are in any real world danger. Especially since it just goes full on Dragon Ball at the end. Whadda bout the rest of you?
Crazy56U: What a rotten ending.
CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, this series of stories is so stupid, I think I may have
actually gained the ability to write program code. I’m going to go slam my head on
my spare keyboard for half an hour or so.
ToonGuy: Have fun. I’m going to get drunk and smash my computer against thewall... Then I’m going to go lie down and cry. Just a typical Saturday night. This wasn’t scary,
wasn’t effective, it’s not even doing it’s job as a smear piece!
SC276: I’m going to go boot up GameMaker and show this stupid haunted virus what actual game design is. I’ve got little else to say about a series that won’t keep continuity when there needs to be.
RingmasterJ5: The poll results are in… and damn, that was close.
Fallen Prime: I may have been the deciding vote on one of them. I looked at the tying stories, and one just looked more suitable for riffing than the other. I even have a minor history with the author of the other story, and I STILL didn’t see the thing as fit for riffing. Looked like a spite project anyway, and I really don’t think anyone but Mykan can make them worth scrutinizing.
RingmasterJ5: Exactly. Anyway, as I was setting the winning story up for riffing, I noticed something. Particularly, that it had a prequel.
Fallen Prime: Or, more accurately, that it itself was a sequel. Both are LUDICROUSLY short for multi-chapter projects, their combined length well within our comfortable limit, so we’re just gonna run ‘em both. Ladies and gentlemen, because you goddamn asked for it, Infinity Blade Brony’s shitty mini-saga of “The Shining Sabre” and “The New Bearer.”
RingmasterJ5: And yes, this is a Rainbow Factory fanfic, so expect bad and prepare for even worse.
JofY: Ooh! Please tell me that this is going to get really silly.
CaptainPipsqueak: You’re a bastard and I lovehate you.
SC276: Well, at least it’s not another Mare-Do-Well fic…
Crazy56U: Just once can’t we get a Canterlot Wedding fic?
CaptainPipsqueak: Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.
Crazy56U: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
Topher: *explodes in a cloud of hype*
Scootaloo couldn't sleep that night as the rumored pegasus foal nappings have been swimming in her head like an school of fish.
SC276: And already we’re away from the canon. I give up on these even bothering to stay consistent anymore.
CaptainPipsqueak: What’s wrong with foals taking a snooze?
Crazy56U: Let me guess: the plot twist is that Scootaloo is a sea pony?
CaptainPipsqueak: *pulls out baseball bat*
Topher: *pulls out a shotgun*
CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t kill him; he learns nothing that way.
Topher: I’ll aim for something not important.
Well she was ripped from not only the state of daydreaming but her bed too!
JofY: Someone finally ripped off the threads that had sewn her to her bed.
"HELP ME!" she yelled at the top of her lungs as the masked pegasus grabbed her and darted out the window before her sister could react.
CaptainPipsqueak: And straight into the ‘action’ without a moment’s warning. My neck hurts.
SC276: You might wanna pace yourself there, author.
Scarlet: Zorro, no! You’re better than this!
Crazy56U: Holy crap, this is a Mare-Do-Well fic! And she’s gone rogue!
Bucephalus: Wow. This pace is like Insane Bolt.
"SCOOTALOO!" Cheerilee yelled.
CaptainPipsqueak: ...so Scootaloo’s in school? I thought you said she was in bed?
JofY: Clearly, Cheerilee is Scootaloo’s sister.
SC276: Worst sleepover ever.
Crazy56U: Wait, Cheerilee is Scootaloo’s sis- is this supposed to take place in G3?
Bucephalus: I thought Scootaloo was in her house. Cheerilee’s in Scootaloo’s house?
Pardon me while I go vomit.
Topher: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this WAS going, and I’ve seen enough snuff films to know where it is going...
But it was too late it happened to fast devastated that her only sister
Scarlet: There is no time to escape make you time.
Crazy56U: Well, thankfully we have a narrator that can truly deliver the story in the
dramatic tone it deserves.
Bucephalus: I’m going to go wonder what I’m doing here. Cya.
was taken from her she vowed she would get her home safe but how! She was no pegasus she can't fly.
JofY: She couldn’t do the jive talk to narrate herself away!
Crazy56U: Well, that’s just stinkin’ thinkin’, Cheerilee! Just because you don’t have
wings doesn’t mean you can’t fly! Just borrow/steal Pinkie’s helicopter-thingy!
But she new a pony
CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, right out of the blister pack!
SC276: new Pony();
Crazy56U: And so Cheerilee pulled a Wonder Woman and turned into a superhero to
chase after Scootaloo.
Bucephalus: The only thing that can save us is an ‘I’ll make a man out of you’ type
that can and he wasn't even a pegasus.
Scarlet: Cheerilee is forced to confront her nascent racism? (what)
Crazy56U: Nope, he was the Antichrist!
Bucephalus: Scarlet, shoot me. Quick.
Topher: On it! *shoots Bruce in the head* Hm… *shoots Bruce a few more times*
Bucephalus: Since when was my name Bruce?
Topher: Look, It just makes things easier if I just call you Bruce. Speaking of which, You’re not a poofter are you?
Thinking her luck had turned for the better she rushed to the library so Spike the dragon could get a very valuable letter to Canterlot for she was getting cousin Sabre!
CaptainPipsqueak: I’m beginning to get the feeling that this guy thinks punctuation is an interesting theory, but not the sort of thing for him.
SC276: Lemme revise that: new Pony(“crap OC”);
Crazy56U: Oh, okay, that makes more sense then: he’s not a pegasus, he’s a sword.
Bucephalus: Silly, he’s both. Transformers, ponies in disguise!
Chapter 1 The Letter the Cousin and the Hero
SC276: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, which I would rather be locked in - without my personal electronics - than read this.
Scarlet: All will be forgiven if Mr. Tumnus strolls in to save the story.
Crazy56U: This is a shitty sequel to “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover”...
Scarlet: Oooh, appropriate follow-up to a film with food as a central theme!
Bucephalus: Exactly. We’ll all be vegtables by the end.
Crazy56U: Which sounds like a shitty Final Smash move...
was just practicing his magic when a guard came in the door with a letter.
JofY: It was ‘T’
SC276: It was pain!
CaptainPipsqueak: “A message from the princesses, sir: something about ‘Fucking off and dying.’”
Crazy56U: It was from the Social Security Administration office, they’ve denied his
application to have his name changed. ...again...
He seemed concerned,
Crazy56U: What with his vacant expression and dead-to-the-world appearance...
well I guess you want to know what our protagonist looks like.
SC276: Only if you can do that without bringing the entire narrative flow to a screeching halt.
Scarlet: Actually I was hoping we could skip that and I could imagine that he’s secretly a gnome.
CaptainPipsqueak: I was thinking three weasels and a rabbit done up in a trenchcoat, myself.
Crazy56U: “He was clearly upset by the letter FUCK IT, CHARACTER DESCRIPTION
Bucephalus: Personally, I want to know why our protagonist can’t go screw himself
with some rusty nails.
Topher: Because you can’t screw nails, silly!
Now Sabre is a chestnut unicorn with walnut brown mane and crossed swords with purple blades for a Cutie mark.
Scarlet: ~Now Old Red was the damndest dog that I had ever seen/got a nose that can smell a two-day trail, he’s a four-legged trackin’ machine~
CaptainPisqueak: ~You can consider yourself mighty lucky to get past the gators and
the quicksand beds/But all the years that I been here ain’t nobody got past Red.~
Crazy56U: ...well, at least he’s not an alicorn…
Bucephalus: I’d love him to be an alicorn if he got his horn with one of those
CaptainPipsqueak: Actually, if Saran Wrap is a chestnut unicorn, what was Sandwich
"Urgent message from Ponyville comes from a Miss.Cheerilee.". At the mention of his cousin Sabre ran to the guard using magic to open the message.
SC276: So wait, did you open the letter using magic, or run using magic?
JofY: Silly SC, you don’t run with magic in your hands, you could cut someone.
Crazy56U: No, he sliced the letter open with magic, duh. ...well, that and the guard...
"Dear Celestial Sabre I've come bearing bad news Scootaloo has been kidnapped!" startled at the statement he momentairaly stopped reading to catch his breath and kept reading.
Scarlet: Sometimes, in order to read, one must not-read. The Zen of letters.
CaptainPisqueak: Reading tires him. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our hero, Celestial Sabre!
Crazy56U: Huh, so he has severe asthma? That’s... interesting…
Bucephalus: Dear Cuz, this fanfiction doesn’t need you. Go find a far more crappy universe to inhabit.
Topher: I’ve seen news of a kidnapping delivered better by King Koopa.
CaptainPisqueak: Hey, at least then she’d be staying at a hotel. You could do worse.
"I need you Sabre your the only unicorn other than Twilight who would help well Twilight is out of town but contacted me I need you to get her back I promised Mom I would take care of her, please she needs you!".
SC276: ...OK, uh, one, you couldn’t have a letter sent to Twilight? You never specified how far away she is, she might even be closer than this guy. Two, you haven’t “come” anywhere, you sent a letter. Three, “Help me, OC Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”
Crazy56U: Okay, is it wrong that I seriously thought that Twilight was Cheerilee’s mom because of how that was written?
CaptainPipsqueak: If that sentence were any more run-on, we’d have to chase it.
Bucephalus: Last week we referenced Undertale. Now, with the upcoming FA, all references must be to Star Wars. Got it?
Topher: *explodes in a cloud of hype*
He dropped the letter grabbed his armor and took off!
Crazy56U: Presumably by bursting through the ceiling…
Bucephalus: And then he left the story. The end.
Sabre arrived at Ponyville within the hour with the help of his magic.
SC276: Hmm, the Friendship Express was going from Ponyville to Canterlot during the MMMM episode, right? I suppose that would be an overnight trip then, but I refuse to believe he managed to clear that distance in an hour with just “magic” alone. Teleportation is too quick for “within the hour,” and I doubt he would levitate himself the entire way.
Crazy56U: Well, following up on my ceiling theory, given how fast he would need to go for a sudden takeoff and to burst through the ceiling, my reasoning is that he turned into a missile. ...how he managed to not blow up is a separate thing entirely...
I mean he is the second in command of the royal guard.
JofY: Like, look at how special he his. My god.
CaptainPipsqueak: Yes; truly he is a snowflake of startling brilliance.
Crazy56U: “I mean… y’know?”
Bucephalus: Shh. Don’t tell him that he’s actually being taught to make spaghetti.
Topher: I have no clue what’s going on, but if spaghetti is being made, I’m all for it.
Shining Armor recognized his abilities at the attack on Canterlot when he used his magic weapons to dispatch twenty Changelings in a matter of moments.
SC276: Why yes, now is the perfect time for the crash course on the backstory of the character we don’t give a shit about!
Scarlet: [Shining] “Good job dispatching twenty changelings in a matter of moments. Yes, that’s still a frighteningly small percentage of the overall invasion force, but it’s the thought that counts.”
CaptainPipsqueak: [Shining] “You took out those changelings by being knocked unconscious and falling on them, but I care about results, dammit!”
JofY: [Shining] “Wow. You beat up less changelings that my sister did! You’re the new second in command!”
Crazy56U: Which is code for “they ganged up on him and almost beat him to death while he was sobbing in the fetal position”...
Bucephalus: [Changeling No. 1] Let him win. He’s the writer’s fave.
"Well here I am." he said as he walked to the school.
SC276: [Sabre] “I’m gonna rock you like a hurricane.”
JofY: So, he’s a one hit wonder?
Crazy56U: [Sabre] “...I think? I mean, this is Ponyville, right, tell me I didn’t get lost
Topher: [Prince Rutherford] “You make wrong turn at Apploosa. This YakYakistan.”