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(To participate in our current riff, click here. Currently we’re doing part six of “The Catch”.)





One-shots:



An Evening With A Pegasus

The DiscordExe Trilogy

The Celestial Sabre Saga

Spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Shorts

Community Shuffle #2

Community Shuffle #1

My Little Fazpony

Cupcakes: Creepypasta Edition

The Enemy of My Enemy

Baron Silver

A Friendship Broken by Loyalty

The Ponyville Curse

A Beautiful But Scary Effect

My Life in MLP/The Search Of Equestia

Ten Minutes: Aftermath

The Conversion Bureau



Multi-parters:



A Displaced Monster: Sampler - 1.5 - 2

The Catch: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5

My Brave Pony: Starfleet Humans: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4

My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5

Past Sins: Part One - Part Two - Part Three



* * *





RingmasterJ5: So… bad news: The Catch is back to a weekly schedule. Meaning this riff will likely have a more-or-less permanent spot as the last one of the month as long as he keeps updating it.

SC276: Good news: this story might be able to elicit reactions besides straight-up boredom.

JofY: But I just finished repairing my emotional roller coaster of boredom!

RingmasterJ5: Anyway, SC, could you recap the last part for anyone new?

SC276: Gladly. Last time on The Fumble but Badly Written: passive-aggressive disagreement with being riffed veiled as a hypocritical anger monologue, Celestia from nowhere, smirking waitresses, no decent progression of romance subplots, and this story finally catches up with the rest of plant-boy’s library by having someone get it in the ass. And as I understand it, it’s about to nosedive into even stupider?

RingmasterJ5: That it is.

SC276: Hoo boy, this is going to either suck or be good. Bit of a toss-up there.

RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, part six of “The Catch” by Kudzuhaiku.



Scarlet: Ooh, hey! I’m in this one! *waves* And um, this is the one that broke me. Stay tuned for my soul dying!

JofY: I call eating your soul’s heart!





Chapter 28



It was difficult pulling one’s self together after everything had been pulled apart.



JofY: But that was life for sentient puzzles.



The sounds of Rye Mash’s shallow breathing filled his own ears, echoed in his head, and made him feel dizzy as the sound caused him pain.



JofY: Well, try deep breathing then.

SC276: That echoing has always been there. You’re only just now noticing it.



He still had to meet with Princess Celestia. The day would continue with him or without him.



SC276: Any way we can make it “without” without causing a paradox?

Scarlet: No idea but I’ve got several hundred locked rooms, a jackhammer, and a bottle of nitroglycerin we could use to help find out.



He had duties to attend to, a job to perform.



Scarlet: Readers to bore.



Bloody Velvet, when asked why she would let this happen, had informed him that she wasn’t his mother and was in no way responsible for him—a statement which Rye found himself in agreement with.



JofY: [Velvet] “I, am your father.”

SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT’S MATERNITY SOFTWARE HAS NOT BEEN UPDATED IN 9-9-9-9-9-9...”



When pressed for information, Bloody Velvet had leveled him,



SC276: Flattened him out?

Scarlet: Nah, she was just trying to push him to first level.



coming into his mind



SC276: If this is non-consensual, does it count as mind rape?

Scarlet: It’s The Catch. This entire story counts as mental abuse of the reader.



and showing him from a different set of eyes, Velvet’s eyes,



SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT HAS DONE ITS BEST TO ENSURE THE STREAM IS IN A FILE FORMAT UNIT-RYE’S SYSTEM WILL BE ABLE TO PROCESS.”



and he had seen himself. He had been happy, laughing, jolly, carefree, there could be no doubt that he had wanted it.



JofY: He wanted her eyes.

SC276: ~Welcome one and all to Flumpty Bumpty's / If your light's turned off, then you're safe...~



The alcohol had worn away his inhibitions and had freed him.



Scarlet: And so by the grace of Jack Daniels he was saved.



He had experienced a wonderful time, even if he couldn’t remember it.

For whatever reason, Mousy was avoiding him, at least it felt that way. She and Bloody Velvet had vanished with one another and Rye had no idea what they were doing, what they might be talking about, or how they might be conspiring against him.



SC276: Just because you can move around, you think you’re better than I am!

Scarlet: Well I mean, they’re not wrong.



Starjammer was gone, he had been summoned to see Princess Celestia, Starjammer had refused at first, but Princess Celestia was not one that would be or could be denied.



JofY: [Celestia] “Oh god, this is terrible, just kill me now… Wai- *killed*”

SC276: Did she also authorize that run-on sentence?

Scarlet: [Rye, literally one scene ago] “I SHALL NOT GIVE UP MY ARMS!”



With great reluctance and a fair bit of fear, Starjammer had gone to speak with Princess Celestia, and Rye had been left by himself with nopony to talk to.



SC276: I mean, it’s not like there’s at least two dozen other miscellaneous crew members. Like Oracle, Telescope, Woe… or, y’know, the kangaroo.

Scarlet: To be fair, his last conversation with her was over the course of torturing someone.



Which was, perhaps for the best.



JofY: After all, he was mute.



Rye was still trying to get his head together and Starjammer never had very much to say.



SC276: That’s the author’s fault.



Rye wasn’t even certain what could be said between them at this point, other than they had shared a visceral experience with one another.



With slow release, Rye let a sigh escape.



JofY: Quick! Get it!

SC276: Specter will not get away with this!



There was no point in regretting it, Rye’s reservations and hangups had kept him from getting something he had wanted, of that there could be no doubt.



Scarlet: Only his hangups and reservations kept him from finishing a single chapter of “The Catch”.



He had wanted it, ever since that first confusing kiss that Starjammer had given him, but Rye was more concerned about being proper.



JofY: Oh, god. They’re turning british.

Scarlet: I wish. Maybe then they’d be able to tell a decent joke.



Bloody Velvet had flashed him with her memories of the event…



JofY: ...Pervert.



Rye had seen himself as others had seen him, it was a profound, meaningful moment in his life, a life changing moment,



SC276: Now say it a third time so we can dub thee Lady Redundant Woman.



and he realised he was grateful for what Velvet had done.



Grateful or not, he still had no answers about what to do next. A part of his mind suggested that he was getting hung up again,



JofY: But the rinse cycle just finished! He shouldn’t be dried that quickly!



he was getting all uptight, he was focusing too much on how to go about doing this the proper way, the perfect way, with all of the right rules, the right things done, with everything as it should be.



JofY: Don’t forget to always extend your pinkie!



While thinking about this, Rye had himself something of a revelation—he was a pirate.



JofY: *slow clap*

SC276: ~Fuck the police!~ Which he would probably do, let’s be honest...



He paused, his mind correcting him, he was a privateer with a commission from the Crowned Head of Equestria absolving him of his crimes, past, present, and future.



JofY: ...Nevermind.



Privateers followed the rules because they obeyed the contracts they were given.



JofY: Just like Assassins uphold the law by murdering others.

Scarlet: Insert… Terry… Pratchett… here.



Alone, Rye let out a groan.



JofY: Uhh...



This is what had made him such a good servant.



JofY: UHH...



He held a deep concern for the rules, for order, for doing what was right, he was a slave to order.



JofY: ...Well, time to pull out all BDSM jokes.

SC276: So, slave to the antithesis of Discord? I’m sure someone’s come up with that by now.



Last night, he had freed himself from such concerns for a while, had done something random, spontaneous, and unpredictable.



JofY: How agast!



Now, he was once again a slave to order, married to a near stranger. Another form of servitude. Or was it?



JofY:

SC276: Is his conclusion that he has to be drunk all the time? Honestly, everypony being drunk would explain a lot.



Why did he have to think about it as servitude?



JofY: Personally, I think that the fetish comes from the desire-



Princess Celestia’s ship was quite a wonder.



JofY: Wonder where she parked the DAMN thing that is! She said, pier 93, but nooooo, it was on pier 92, which for some reason is on the complete other side of the island!



Rye stood on the deck, his eyes wide and staring. Unicorns and pegasi moved about on the deck, doing whatever it was that they were doing.



JofY: Earth ponies don’t get those privileges.

SC276: They’re below decks, running on hamster wheels to generate power.



Rye could smell pine oil soap coming from somewhere, perhaps the deck was being scrubbed.



SC276: Actual scrubbing of the poop deck?



He didn’t know. He could smell bread baking, fragrant steam was rising from a vent, no doubt there was some kitchen down below. This wasn’t a ship so much as it was a flying palace. Curiously enough, Rye Mash saw no earth ponies anywhere.



JofY: Well, of course. They’re on Equestria, not Earth. *rimshots*



None at all.



JofY: Oh, please, you haven’t found Earth Pony Waldo?

SC276: Watch, it’s going to turn out that the crown keeps Earth ponies only as slave labor. I wouldn’t put it past this crap universe.



Pegasi could fly and fight while unicorns could deal with fine detail work. Rye realised that earth ponies would be superfluous on a crew such as this.



JofY: There’s no need for strength!

SC276: I’ve never researched sailing ships, and I’m pretty sure plant-boy hasn’t either.



The unicorns could deal with heavy loads and moving cargo by using their telekinesis.



It was a profound moment of realisation for Rye. He stared at the visual evidence that earth ponies were unnecessary in this life.



JofY: ...You know what. [Racist Moment: 1] The main ground rule for this, is that it’s going to be for each separate moment of racism. So, even if there are more racist moments in this scene, it won’t go up.

Scarlet: I’m going to be observing your racism counter and just quietly taking notes for something. Don’t mind me.

SC276: This seems really unnecessary, really. Why explicitly point out that you don’t have Earth ponies around? Have people been actually complaining about it?



Captain Spyglass kept a fair number of earth ponies around, but almost all of them were used for moving goods when they reached port.



JofY: Because strength is hardly needed on something that operates on pushing and pulling heavy parts.



In the air, earth ponies could not fly, could not wield weapons, (at least in a general sense, they still had their own hooves) and were quite limited as to what they were capable of.



JofY: What are living tanks needed for?



Now, Rye could see that they were not needed at all, and something about the sights around him made him feel sad.



JofY: Join the Italian Native American crying over littering on the freeway.

SC276: I don’t know why, but I feel offended by this entire digression.

Scarlet: That’s because you have good taste, aren’t an idiot, and see this for the lazy imagination it is!



Earth ponies had the short end of the stick in life. No magic, no wings, just garden variety ponies.



JofY: Yeah, what is food even good for?



Rye wondered why Spyglass even had earth ponies in his crew when it seemed that labourers could be found in any port. Thoughtful, Rye realised that Captain Spyglass had to have a reason and it was probably a good one.



SC276: Maybe you should go ask him then, instead of continuing this racist tangent of yours.



Then, he saw her.



JofY: Old Woman Jenkins!?



The tall figure moving toward him, wearing a bright blue cloak. Her face was obscured under the heavy folds of fabric. He squinted, the sun making him feel nauseous, and he wondered why he was meeting with Princess Celestia in private rather than with Captain Spyglass, as had been planned.



SC276: Because you’re the main character. Haven’t you figured it out yet?



His head still ached and more than anything, he wanted to crawl back into bed. He lifted his head, trying to stand a little taller, trying to look a little more dignified as Princess Celestia approached.



SC276: And failing miserably.



“I hear that congratulations are in order,” Princess Celestia said as she approached.



Rye nodded, but said nothing.



“Many of my guard celebrate the first issue of their pay by going out,



JofY: [Worker A] “Hey everyone! A payment went through!”

[Everyone else] “Yaaaay”



having a nice time, then having too nice a time, and waking up in the morning with wives they had met the night before.”



SC276: this is a regular thing are you kidding me



Princess Celestia’s voice was soft, gentle, one of instruction and wisdom. “Walk with me, Mister Mash, getting the blood flowing should help your head.”



SC276: [Celestia] “And if it doesn’t, I can just mind-control your nervous system into increasing your heart rate or something.”



Obedient, Rye fell into step with Princess Celestia as she took off at a trot.



JofY: So, she called running, walking? What a jerk.



He bit down on his lip, not knowing what to say or to do, not knowing why he was here speaking to her without his captain.



JofY: Is he going to start crying?

SC276: How about asking where they’re actually going?



“What do you plan to do, Mister Mash?” Princess Celestia asked.



JofY: “Do you plan to apologize?”



“I don’t know,” Rye replied, his voice low.



JofY: In all honesty, it was quite silly.



He looked up at the alicorn beside him, wondering what she was thinking, what she was feeling, and why she was talking to him about this when there were far more important things to discuss.



SC276: [Celestia, thinking] “When’s he going to drop his guard so I can mind-control him? I mean, it’s not like it’s the main thing I’m known for that diverges me from canon.”



“You have the wisdom of centuries… do you have any advice?”



“Very few ponies respect my ‘wisdom of centuries,’ Mister Mash.”



SC276: [Celestia] “Granted, that’s because of this specific narrative and no one trusts me because I keep trying to mind-control everypony.”



To Rye Mash’s ears, Princess Celestia’s voice now sounded guarded, low, almost flat,



SC276: As her characterization?



she almost sounded surprised, or perhaps he was hearing things.



JofY: But he was deaf.



It took Rye several steps to keep up with just one of Princess Celestia’s steps and he followed her as she walked around the deck, looking up at her, trying to be attentive.



JofY: Huh? What?



“Miss Mousy strikes me as being quite perceptive, smart, courageous, and capable.” Princess Celestia paused, taking a deep breath, and then continued,



JofY: “Then again, I have only known her for five seconds.”



“Tell me, how did the two of you meet?”



“I sort of rescued her from thugs and ruffians,” Rye replied.



“Ah, yes… young maids tend to want to marry their rescuers.



JofY: And some want to marry their captors.

SC276: Explain Woe then.



You have to trust somepony in this life, and who better than the individual that proves themselves trustworthy by saving your life?”



JofY: I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.



The tall white alicorn turned her head and looked down at Rye, her face still hidden under her hood.



“I don’t get it.



JofY: Join the club.



We hardly even know one another. We’re strangers.”



JofY: Celestia, or Mousy?

SC276: [Celestia] “It’s called ‘the author not knowing how to write.’”



Rye cleared his throat, aware that Princess Celestia was looking at him, but he felt uncomfortable because he could not look into her eyes. He felt small, feeling more like a colt, and he had a growing sense of insecurity. He was a foal next to this strange creature, this alicorn, this embodiment of the three tribes.



SC276: Who leaves out one of the three on her craft because *applause from Animal Crossing characters*



“Mister Mash, fillies and young mares want the same thing that everypony else wants in life.



JofY: Freedom to do what they want?



A sense of security. A feeling of protection.



JofY: Uhh… No. I never thought as a kid: “Man, I feel really unsafe about this. If only there was a way to protect me.”

SC276: That’s what blankets are for.



We all desire the same things, sustenance, shelter, and security.



JofY: Oh no. It’s philosophy hour.



Try to see the world through her eyes. She is an earth pony, she is clearly quite clever, she has her mind and little else. She has no wings, so no means to fly away from trouble, and she has no horn, which means no magic to back up her intelligence.



JofY: Okay, while this technically the same scene, it’s a different character, and the topic had shifted, so: [Racist Moment: 2]

SC276: OK, author, we get it, you don’t like Applejack, move on already.



To find the sustenance, the shelter, and the security she craves, it means finding a like minded companion that can shore up her shortcomings.”



Tail swishing, Rye nodded, understanding a bit more. “So a practical arrangement.” He blinked, almost stopping. “What about love?”

JofY: ~~Don’t you want someone to care about you?~~



“What does love have to do with anything? Sustenance, shelter, security.”



JofY: Aw great, it’s repeating.



Princess Celestia’s voice lowered, almost to a whisper.



JofY: How low can their voices go?

SC276: Hopefully low enough to get under the bar.



“Love is a luxury, something you have if you are lucky, if you are graced, if life sees fit to give you extra. Love is something you figure out if you have after you have your sustenance, shelter, and security sorted out.



JofY: Or if you want those sorted out for you.

SC276: Does anyone else hear headdesking?



If you have a good partnership with somepony and both of your mutual needs are being met, one does not sully their practical relationship with love, thus risking their very existence.



JofY: ...Huh?



But, should love happen, if you are lucky to have it blossom, it is pleasant to experience.”



JofY: [Celestia] “Just make sure to get to The Doctor, or a Delorean before you disappear.”



“So marriage isn’t about love?” Rye asked.



JofY: I sure do wonder if Kudzu is married.



“Most of the time, no it is not,”



JofY: Survey says: No!

SC276: ~Marriage is a partnership / A little tit-for-tat / You’d think a lifetime watching us / might have taught her that...~



Princess Celestia replied. “Love is something that happens in story books… more often than not, love is the undoing of many good relationships. But it is nice when you can find it. Love is a treasured, many splendored thing.”



JofY: Celestia is really bipolar about the subject. “We love, love. We love it. No! We hate love!”

SC276: I’m pretty sure she stole that line from a movie somewhere or something.



Princess Celestia let out a cough, a wheeze, and then drew in a deep breath. “Many of my guards keep the wives they wake up with.



JofY: “Daddy, I had a bad dream. Can I sleep with you?”



The seasons roll by and the seasons pass.



JofY: The seasons don’t bother helping a poor man.

SC276: I pass. New deal.



They settle in with their wives, become affectionate with time and familiarity. They have foals, become a family, life goes on. They exist together, either as partners, as friends, or as lovers for those lucky few. The seasons and time have their way with them, as seasons and time have their way with all, and one of them passes.



JofY: Are the seasons and time rapists?



The survivor realises how lucky they were to have a good partner, a good mate, they understand how blessed they were by fate and chance to wake up next to the pony they would spend their lives with after a drunken night of revelry. Such is the way that life works. I have watched this play out for thousands of turns of the seasons now. I can say that by averages, based upon my observations, of the happiest marriages I have seen, the couple started out as strangers, a chance encounter, usually involving alcohol, a simple twist of fate.”



JofY: Honestly, it can be near, far, wherever you are. I believe that your heart will, your heart will, go on.

SC276: And no one is concerned at all about the rising number of drunk marriages? Also, you’re happiest married to someone you’ve never even met? Also also, [Celestia] “Granted, that’s because I’m mind-controlling them all every time because I really don’t like any of you, but that’s the fact.”



Rye Mash did not know how to respond to everything Princess Celestia had said.



JofY: After all, it was incredibly stupid.

SC276: We’re barely holding our own ourselves.



He felt overwhelmed. How could he argue or deny the reasoning of a being that had seen thousands of turns of the seasons, by her own words?



JofY: Point out how flip-flopping she’s been?



“Mister Mash, marriage is a lot like claiming land.



JofY: ...Okay. Everyone, take five. This is going to hurt.



You do what you must, by hook or by crook, you claim or you seize what you have an interest in, and then after laying a claim to it, or after taking it, you do what you can to make the land yours.



SC276: You get drunk for it?

JofY: I’d recommend running-on it.



You build a homestead. You build walls for defense. The important thing is that you have the land, you figure out what to do with it after you have it.



JofY: Alright, we’ve fought for over 50 years, lost millions, and will forever be broken, just to get this land… Aw hell, what did we want it for again?



With land comes sustenance, shelter, and security.”

SC276: So… the leader of Equestria doesn’t give a fuck about women's rights? Is the author literally brain-dead?



To Rye’s ears, Princess Celestia sounded like a patient schoolteacher. A somewhat sick, weakened schoolteacher.



JofY: A shallow parody of what she once was.

SC276: [Celestia] “Usually I have them under mind-control by now.”



She did not sound well. To show that he was listening, he acknowledged her words. “I think I have a better understanding now… maybe. I still need time to think and sort everything out.”



Thoughtful, Rye, who thought himself intelligent, noticed that Princess Celestia kept using three words over and over. Sustenance, shelter, and security. As he trotted beside her, he gave these words some thought and considered how they applied to him.



SC276: Not all that well, as it turned out.



When he was a servant, he hardly ever had to worry about where his next meal came from.



JofY: Didn’t he have money in the last part?



Sure, most of them were not very good meals, but he had food. He had to have food to function, and Lace Collar had made certain that he was fed.



JofY: Okay… Well, too bad I don’t know anything to nitpick this scene.

SC276: I’m guessing the feed was salty, white, and came out of his cocktip.



Rye had a roof over his head. He had lived among the very wealthy and the privileged. The roof over his head had been far better than those who lived in shacks. He had lived a sheltered, comfortable enough, well to do existence acting as Lace Collar’s servant. As for security, for most of his existence as a servant, he had been kept safe.



SC276: Yeah, like that helped when the pirate ship attacked.



Looking back on it all, he understood why he had been such a happy servant, an obedient and well heeled servant that jumped at his master’s every order.



As a servant, as an indentured servant,



SC276: Stop repeating yourself.

SC276: Freakin’ touch me again and I’ll feed you to the fic!



he had enjoyed a level of sustenance, shelter, and security not available to the common pony.



JofY: Yeah, the commons don’t get any of those… Except we already saw, and talked about how they had a place to get food, sleep, and know that there was a force dedicated to keeping the peace, two chapters ago.



He now understood why ponies lined up to be servants for the wealthy; butlers, maids, scullery maids, chambermaids, nannies, nursemaids,



JofY: Laundry maids, house maids, lady’s maid, parlour maids- What we’re saying, is that it’s good to be a maid.

SC276: And we have seen evidence that this occurs where now?



by giving up some of their freedom and making themselves beholden to wealthy masters, they too, enjoyed a level of sustenance, shelter, and security that would otherwise be outside of their reach.



Then, it dawned upon him.



JofY: NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW SECENYA!



Mousy was not the sort who would be happy in servitude, at least, that was Rye’s well reasoned guess, so she had turned to less than legal activities as a means to provide for her own needs.



SC276: Like riffing terrible fanfiction.



For Mousy, marriage must have been preferable to outright servitude, a means to an end.



SC276: So she agreed to marry a drunk moron for her own future well-being… after leaving being a petty thief behind to join a pirate crew. Seems a bit of an unnecessary step, given Woe is in much the same boat, if even lower with a missing eye, and she’s gotten more character development even outside our actual development.



As for Rye himself, he had picked up a gun, he had armed himself. He now had the means to provide for his own sustenance, shelter, and security. Rye was never going back to servitude;



JofY: Damn it! I just accepted the fact that he was!



while there was happiness in having your needs provided for, there could be happiness in slavery, Rye would never go back.



JofY: Hey, black people in the 1800’s, what do you think?



Giving up his own personal liberty was not something that Rye had any desire to do.



SC276: And yet his narrative is an entangling prison.



“You have become quiet and thoughtful, my little pony,”



JofY: *punches someone*

SC276: Ow. Next time, aim for the pillow with the plant painted on it. ...I don’t know what the author looks like.

JofY: Sorry, I need to hurt an actual being whenever I read it.



Princess Celestia said to Rye.



Hearing Princess Celestia, Rye Mash had started to reply, his mouth opened, but no words came out. He wasn’t feeling very good, he was still hungover, and his mind was racing with all manner of profound thoughts.



“I wanted to speak with you alone, Mister Mash, because you impressed me.



JofY: “Your dick, is in fact, the biggest across all the land.”

SC276: [Celestia] “Unfortunately for you, being a pirate, you spend most of your time above water.”



Most ponies would have surrendered their weapons and stood down. You remained defiant. Foolish, perhaps, reckless, perhaps,



SC276: [Celestia] “Stupid, definitely…”



but you stuck to your guns in the most literal sense.



JofY: “Honestly, I’m a bit worried where you got the glue.”



I wanted to get to know you better as a pony.



JofY: As a horse though...

SC276: [Celestia] “Because Me-knows knowing you as a character is futile.”



I must confess,



SC276: ~-I have saved for the last / for the ruler of this Christmasland...~



I still have some reservations about entrusting the safety and welfare of my student into your care.”



SC276: [Celestia] “I have seen what you do with your guns, and despite having seen everything for at least several hundred years, I am what is called ‘grossed the fuck out.’”



“I probably didn’t do a very good job of assuring you by going out and doing what I did,” Rye Mash replied, now feeling very self conscious about what he had done. “I am never drinking again, ever.”



SC276: Yeah, I doubt that.



“So many little ponies say that after a night of drinking and waking up with a new wife or husband.” Princess Celestia let out a weak chuckle.



JofY: So, Polygamy is legal?

SC276: No, that’s poly of me! ...Doesn’t work as well.



“I do believe that the world would end if alcohol ceased to flow.”



SC276: I WAS JOKING!



“No, I mean it, I’m never drinking again… I can accept the consequences of waking up married, I’ll live with that and I will make it right, but strong drink opens up too many opportunities for one to lose his liberty.”



JofY: Aww hell. Now Rye is going to show off his philosophy minor.

SC276: Plus, y’know, wide-open to a backstab.



Rye Mash flogged his brain for a metaphor, some clever means to drive his point home, and he chewed upon his lip as he tried to think.



SC276: But failed miserably.



“It pleases me to hear you say that.”



Ears perking, he looked at Princess Celestia, hearing her words. He gave a nod of acknowledgement, was distracted for a moment by the shrieking of seagulls, and then knew what he wanted to say, how he could express himself.



JofY: Celestia-senpai noticed him!



“Drinking like that is like giving over my guns… I can no longer be responsible for myself,



JofY: So, removing his weapons, is like getting drunk, which would mean that he would be in such a rage state that… Oww...



I cannot defend my own liberties, and surrendering my guns is something that I will never allow myself to do, ever. Imbibing strong drink undermines my self standards.”



SC276: You don’t have standards, crotch-shooter..



The pair walked in silence, Rye Mash trying to keep up with the much longer stride of the princess beside him.



SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!

JofY: ...You know, they’ve been walking this entire time. Where have they been walking?



He could hear her laboured breathing, it was clear that she was sick, something was wrong, but she struck him as being far too proud to acknowledge it or let it slow her down.



SC276: I’d say Inky got a curse on her somehow, but that’s giving plant-boy too much credit.



As he walked, he watched a group of unicorns scrubbing the deck along the rails where birds had been sitting.



The silence became stifling, Rye felt as though he should be saying something, that there should be conversation,



JofY: There just was!



that was why he was here after all, he had only been quiet so he could listen to whatever Princess Celestia had to say.



SC276: What, you can’t hear the run-on sentences chasing down their prey?



But now, the silence had the wrong feel to it, it felt as though something needed to be said, but he didn’t know what.



SC276: Didn’t we already go through this?



Princess Celestia was trying to learn more about him, what sort of pony he was, she was looking for reassurance that her student could be found and that her student would be safe.



SC276: I mean, she could just mind-control him. That’s a thing she does in this universe, I believe.



Rye Mash issued a challenge to his brain—try to find something reassuring to say to the alicorn princess beside him.



SC276: It failed miserably. Fail 3x combo!

JofY: “I hate sand!”



Something heartfelt, sincere, and meaningful.



SC276: Coming from Kudzu? Highly doubt it.



Whatever she was, an alicorn, a princess, she was also a mare, a pony. She had to have all of the same sorts of fear, worries, and doubt he did. Princess Celestia also needed sustenance, shelter, and security, or so Rye reasoned.



SC276: If you’re telling me she’s literally getting sick with worry, I’ll run you through. A cannonball run. You through.



As he thought about this, Princess Celestia fell to the deck with a thump beside him.



SC276: Fucking timing!



Rye cried out, startled, fearful, he stood wide eyed and staring at her fallen form.



JofY: Fallen, from her prime state, you might say.



Blood began to pool around her muzzle, gushing from both nostrils.



SC276: Well that’s definitely something that should happen at this point with no fucking warning!

JofY: Man, she got really horny.



Not even giving it a second thought, he lifted her head away from the deck, pulling back her hood, trying to keep the blood from staining her white pelt.



SC276: Her mane, however, could get all the blood it wanted.



There were black circles around her eyes, which were closed, and she did not look well.



SC276: Well she just fainted and is having the mother of all nosebleeds, of course she doesn’t fucking look well!

JofY: My god! We already knew this from before!



Lifting his head at the sound of approaching guards, Rye panicked. “I didn’t do anything!”



“We know,” a guard replied as he approached, “we were watching.



JofY: “Don’t worry, we’re the cause.”



Please, keep holding her head, if you don’t mind.”



JofY: Okay, while it is actually a bad idea to do this, there is a reasonable amount of people who don’t know this, so I’ll give this a pass.



The guard, a gruff looking pegasus, looked around. “Somepony go get some cloths. We’re going to need a few unicorns to carry her belowdecks!”

SC276: [guard] “I mean, one stout Earth pony could also do the job, but fuck them they’re useless.”



“What is wrong with her?” Rye asked as he continued to cradle Princess Celestia’s head in his telekinesis.



SC276: Well her nose is fucking bleeding, for one...



His eyes narrowed and his face became pinched with concern, it was strange watching an alicorn bleed, strange and more than a little frightening. She was the Goddess of the Sun, Immortal, Just, and True.



SC276: Because gods don’t bleed.



Watching blood as it gushed from her nostrils was terrifying.



JofY: It was like a hose watering a lawn of death.



What could do this to her?



SC276: If it actually is a curse, I so totally called it.



The guard’s expression soured. “She won’t tell us… she is far too proud. But something is working against her.” The guard’s scowl intensified. “Should you find the cause for her malady when you go hunting for her student, I hope that you will put lots of bullets into whomever or whatever is responsible for this.”



JofY: Yes, shoot the virus. Shoot, the virus. SHOOT! THE! VIRUS! Yes, I know that it’s going to be magical B.S., but do they? After all, Celestia isn’t being forthcoming with info, so for all they know, it could be a specific disease.



Rye nodded, “Oh, believe me, I shall…”



SC276: [Rye] “Followed by my dick in each hole!”



Author's Note:

Been at this chapter since early this morning.



JofY: But it’s 12:01 am!



It kept coming out all wrong.



SC276: If this is what you consider right, I’d hate to see the earlier drafts. Also, that’s probably because that shit is wrong.



I think I'm happy with this version. Princess Celestia kept sounding condescending and preachy in previous versions.



JofY: Now she just talks about how love is false and should be searched for only three times.

SC276: Instead, Rye sounds like that now. Good compromise.



Ugh, I've been at this since about 6 AM.





Chapter 29



There was no feeling worse than being in the dark about something that was going on.



JofY: Unfortunately, the switch was on the other side of the room and he didn’t feel like getting up to flip it.



Rye Mash hated it, he felt frustrated and angry as he stood upon the deck of The Apogee looking over at Princess Celestia’s ship. Unable to do anything, Rye stomped his hoof and as he did so, he heard the fluttering of wings, the sound of feathers cutting through wind.



“Mister Mash—”

SC276: ~Your heart’s an empty hole...~



Rye did not look at his captain, but remained focused on Princess Celestia’s ship.



SC276: Are you able to refer to the character as anything besides “Princess Celestia”?



“—I had a pegasus from the guard come over and tell me what happened.” Captain Spyglass folded his wings against his sides and moved beside Rye. “I was told that you acted like a perfect gentlepony, and that you impressed all of those who observed you.”



JofY: Guess who just earned themselves a trip to McDonalds!

SC276: [Spyglass] “Why he told me that before telling me about the princess collapsing with a horribly-bleeding nose is beyond me.”



“I wasn’t trying to impress anypony,” Rye replied.



SC276: You weren’t trying to shot that griffon captain’s groin off either. When are you going to accept that you do things by accident a lot?



Looking solemn, Spyglass cleared his throat. “Nevertheless, you did, and it means a great deal to me. Mister Mash, as ponies of fortune, we have little but our reputation. While I must confess that I was furious with you for not surrendering your guns, it seems that it has worked out for the best.



JofY: Okay, this dialogue is as wooden as in an RPG with ‘moral choices’.



Princess Celestia was impressed by your,” the pegasus’ face contorted as he thought about the right words to say, “display of defiance.”



SC276: [Celestia] “I don’t know why I’m intrigued by someone that didn’t fall under my mind-control like immediately.”



Captain Spyglass relaxed a bit, his ears splaying out sideways from his head. “We’ll be leaving soon, we have kindly been provided with a lead. We’ll be heading to Cheval Rouge, a city to the north of here in Fancy.”



SC276: I thought they were in Fancy already. The town they’re in is named after Port-Blanc, and that’s pretty far north as it is as France goes. The first result for “rouge france,” since “Cheval Rouge” is an abstract sculpture in Washington DC, on Google is Collonges-la-Rouge, which is further south.



“Good, I’d like to get started.” Rye’s brows furrowed and his forehead wrinkled.



“Mister Mash, this is going to be a bloody business…



JofY: “Seriously, the blood bank in town closed donations with how much they collected from Celestia’s nose.”



I’d like to keep as much of my crew out of it as possible—”

SC276: You attack slaving ships stocked with creatures that have talons. How is this going to be more bloody than that?



“I understand,” Rye said, cutting in and nodding his head.



One eye squinting, the other eye wide, Spyglass gave Rye a curious look.



JofY: I don’t think that’s a curious look.



He could sense the anger coming from his cabin colt, the frustration, the eagerness.



JofY: Anakin, no!

SC276: Anakin, yes!



Captain Spyglass came to the unsettling conclusion that Rye Mash wanted the bloody business to start…



JofY: He was not going to let that little girl bleed out on him!

SC276: What do you expect when his main talent is firearms?



Rye wanted to be in the middle of it. Rye was one of those sorts of ponies.



“She is a majestic creature, isn’t she?” Spyglass asked in a low voice.

SC276: Given we’ve had Rye give personalities to his guns, I’m not sure who exactly they’re talking about.



“Yes, she is,” Rye replied.



“I still don’t know how I feel about getting involved in this.” Captain Spyglass’ eyes glanced over at Princess Celestia’s airship.



SC276: [Spyglass] “I mean, it’s one thing attacking ships all by our lonesome, but getting the crown’s permission to improve the world? Awfully suspicious.”



Guards marched on the deck and the sound of ironshod hooves could be heard from where the pegasus stood on The Apogee.



“It feels like the right thing to do,” Rye said, his voice dropping, almost to a whisper.



JofY: Why is everyone so scared they’re being listened to?

SC276: Big Sister is watching.



“Speaking of the right thing to do…” Captain Spyglass’ words trailed off as he turned to look at Rye. “Are you going to do right by Miss Mousy?”



SC276: And now I’m thinking of Minnie Mouse, great job, story.



Rye’s ears fell, drooping against his cheeks. He turned to look at his captain. “She caught me fair and square.



JofY: ...Title drop?



I allowed myself to be caught.



JofY: Title drop.



I intend to do what is right.”



JofY: Run away.



“Good, I would be disappointed with you otherwise.” Captain Spyglass drew in a deep breath, his sides expanding, and his wings flapped once against his sides. “Several of my crew got married during shore leave.



JofY: You know, not every one night stand leads to pregnancy.

SC276: All marriages are a result of drunken one-night stands, all fillies expect to get it in the ass, all griffons are slavers… This is perhaps the most one-dimensional load of nothing I’ve ever seen.



They have all asked to be left here. I’ve taken on several new crew members… ah, Sable Blanc. The young and the hopeful come here, both fillies and colts, all of them looking for a ship to enter the harbour.



JofY: Ya gonna have children running the ship!?



For fillies of the right age, each ship brings a chance to marry, and for colts, a ship is a means of escape, a chance to see the world.



JofY: To wear a red shirt and be shot and forgotten before the episode ends.

SC276: And the fillies don’t want to escape because *Bobert commercial*



Much of my crew once boarded a ship in a harbour just like this one, and now that they have seen the world, they are ready to settle down. A young maid is happy to catch them.



JofY: [Rye] “What about the foa-”

[Spyglass] “Especially the foals!”



Such is the way of life. After settling down, the young couple has a few foals. Time passes. In time, there is a new filly waiting for ships on the horizon, bringing with them a chance for a husband, or a colt watching and waiting for a ship to take him away from this boring place, giving him a chance for adventure on the high sea or in the clouds.



JofY: And thus, the cycle runs-on.

SC276: It’s gotta break at some point. Eventually, someone’s gonna marry someone without being drunk first, and the whole system will collapse.



But the circle of life begins and ends in little towns like this one.”



SC276: Shut up, Mufasa.



Blinking, Rye took in his captain’s words.



“Mister Mash, I have lived long enough that I have seen this drama play out an endless number of times now.”



JofY: And none of them can act!

SC276: I can’t tell, did that guy die? It was kind of ambiguous.



Captain Spyglass sighed. “So many ponies walk in and out of my life. Crab Apple is leaving us, Mister Mash. He will be returning home upon one of Princess Celestia’s ships.”



“Why now, of all times?” Rye asked.



SC276: [Spyglass] “He realized that he contributed nothing to the plot and the author hates Earth ponies.”



“He has earned the wealth that he was looking for.



JofY: One penny.



With the pardon I secured for him from Princess Celestia, he feels it is time to get away from this life while he still can. I shall miss him a great deal, I liked him.”



JofY: He was named.



Captain Spyglass’ mane lifted in the strong breeze and his feathers ruffled. He breathed in the tangy, salty air, his nostrils flaring.



SC276: Dude, you fly over the ocean all the goddamn time. You can do that whenever.



“Captain Spyglass, if you will excuse me, I am going to go and speak with my wife.”



Belowdecks was a mess.



JofY: He just got sued by his best friend.

SC276: And then he went out drinking to forget and ended up getting hitched because the author has no idea what “variance” is.



The smell of wood was strong in the air, along with sawdust. It seemed that some carpentry was going on. A few strange unicorns that Rye didn’t know, along with a few minotaurs, were doing some woodworking. Rye could hear the sounds of sawing and of hammering, which filled his head with a throbbing ache.



JofY: Stop being useful! His poor mind can’t handle the stress!



It seemed the cabins were being rebuilt to be more efficient.



JofY: It would be able to be slept in with 30% more speed!

SC276: What, hammocks weren’t enough for you people? Particularly given I’ve seen where the plot’s going since the Spyglass conversation.



Looking around, he saw no sign of Mousy or Bloody Velvet. Much to his surprise, Starjammer was working with the carpenters, Rye couldn’t believe that Starjammer would sully himself with common labour, yet the quiet stallion of few words was building a door frame.



JofY: But enough about wingmen.

SC276: When has Starjammer shown he avoids doing hard labor when he’s on a freakin’ pirate ship?



From somewhere out of line of sight, he could hear Oola singing something as she worked, some song about a hammer.



SC276: [Oola] ~Maxwell Edison, majoring in medicine, calls her on the phone...~



The sawdust in the air made Rye feel like sneezing. He fled the area, turning tail, heading back up the stairs, and then emerged out upon the deck.



SC276: I don’t think the author knows how “belowdecks” works.



No sign of Mousy or Bloody Velvet anywhere. Or Woe Betide, now that he thought about it.



Frowning, Rye wondered if Bloody Velvet and Mousy were avoiding him. What if Mousy had herself a change of heart?



JofY: She finally found a donor?



What if she wanted out of this?



JofY: Que get out of story joke.

SC276: [Mousy] “We gotta find a way outta this fic!”

JofY: See?



Or what if Velvet was trying to get Mousy to reconsider? His head still hurt too much to think about this. He needed a quiet place, a dark place, a place with no sun, no sound, a peaceful place to rest his head, but no such place seemed to exist at the moment.



SC276: *aims a cannon at him* I can fix that!

JofY: I bet you don’t have the balls to launch it.

SC276: I’ll just use the rest of you for ammo.

JofY: ...Yeah. That ain’t gonna work.



Somepony was trying to put an end to the Alicorn of the Sun,



SC276: Who ruled the Kingdom of the Sun before it got reworked into Celestia’s New Groove...



which would no doubt plunge the world into darkness, his new wife and his friend seemed to be avoiding him, his head hurt, and he had no quiet place to retreat to.



JofY: And he couldn’t help himself from running on.



This was turning out to be a wretched day.



SC276: This was turning out to be a wretched fic. Like, more wretched than originally anticipated.



Rye closed his eyes and gritted his teeth together.



JofY: He’s going 90’s! Run!



Perhaps he could go into town, find a quiet cafe, and have a nice cup of tea.



SC276: Maybe get drunk and married to someone else.



Rye Mash gave a bleary stare up at the wooden sign.



JofY: [Sign] “If you are reading this, you’re driving too close.”



“Tarte et Café.” Rye had no clue what the words meant, but there was a picture of a pie and a cup on the sign. Lines had been carved into the wood over the pie and the cup, a visual representation of steam rising.



In front of the cafe, there was a unicorn painting on a battered looking easel, a large mug of some hot, steaming beverage beside him, along with a baguette, a wedge of cheese, and a bottle of wine, still corked.



JofY: He’s FRENCH!

SC276: And… apparently a painting?



The unicorn was painting a bowl of fruit, an act which baffled Rye Mash. Why would anypony paint a bowl of fruit?



JofY: Most ponies paint vegetables.



He did not understand art sometimes.

SC276: Given what we’ve been reading, neither does the author.



He pushed open the door and was hit by a rush of cool air. Inside the cafe, it was cool, delightfully so,



SC276: Apparently the French invented air conditioning.



it was dim, the air was fragrant with the smell of baked goods, tea, and coffee.



“Welcome to Monsieur Cake’s bakery, sailor,” an older mare behind the counter said. “I am Mademoiselle Petits Pains, but most of our customers call me Madam Buns, or just Buns.”



JofY: “(In a bad French accent) But you would k’new if you warnt such a filthy pig!”

SC276: Why would her customers, who presumably speak the language on the sign, not use part of her actual name?



The older mare smiled and gestured at the empty cafe. “Sit anywhere you like. You came in during an off hour. Most are busy working… we get most of our business during the lunch hour or during the evening, when a pony wishes to unwind.”



SC276: Trust me, it’s 2:30 pm right now, and I need to unwind seriously from going through this nonsense.



The cafe’s interior was almost all stone. Stone floor, stone walls, stone counters, all of it cool and inviting.



JofY: All in all, it was a good place to get stoned.

SC276: This is my brand of decor when I’m sucking at designing environments.



The tables appeared to be old barrels cut in half and set upon the floor.



JofY: Unfortunately, the wood was rotten on most of them.

SC276: Must not be a very prosperous café if it can’t afford actual tables.



There were no chairs, just worn out looking pillows and cushions left scattered around the half barrel tables.



JofY: In all honesty, they should have gone all the way with the stone motif.



The interior was dim, almost dark, and there was a peculiar stench in the air that made the back of the Rye’s throat tickle. He stood, sniffing, trying to figure out what the horrible smell was. It was like rancid milk left in the sun, but worse, far, far worse.



SC276: That’s the cue to go eat someplace else. This joint probably has rats or something.



“Smells marvellous, doesn’t it?” the old mare asked. She closed her eyes, inhaled, and then opened her eyes as her smile widened.



JofY: She just started the high.



“We make monster cheese…



JofY: I was joking!



there is a batch aging in the cellar… we take the finest goats, scare them with the finest monsters, and it produces a most merveilleux fromage.”



JofY: ...This is a place that serves goat piss?

SC276: What, no special unicorns to milk them with?



“Oh.” Rye stared at the mare, wondering if she was pulling his leg.



“My granpapa has experimented with using a cockatrice to stare at the cheese…



JofY: What the fuck am I on!?

SC276: Whatever it is, I want in.



it makes the cheese very hard, gives it a rock solid rind, but it also gives the cheese a most unusual but pleasant flavour.



JofY: Personally, I find it rather pissy.



It is rather nutty,” the chatty old mare said to Rye as the colt sat down upon a faded purple pillow with tassels on each of the four corners.



SC276: [Buns] “Now buy some, because that’s the only reason I’d talk about it besides pointless exposition the audience doesn’t care about.”



“I’d like a cup of tea, please. And maybe something to eat… I’m suffering from a hangover…



JofY: It has to have been hours! My god! How bad are your hangovers!?

SC276: Bad enough he got fucking married, apparently.



I don’t know what sounds good to eat right now.”



JofY: “Hell, I sorta want to eat a pigeon.”



Rye leaned against the half barrel table, his head aching, and his stomach turning from the stench creeping up out from the cellar.



SC276: If the smell is making you sick, the number one survival instinct is leave the room.



“Oui, Monsieur, I have what you need,” the mare replied, her smile vanishing as a look of genuine concern took over her features.



JofY: Realizing where she was.



Hooves clicking, the mare darted through a doorway and vanished, leaving Rye all alone.



Sighing, Rye decided that he liked the older unicorn mare.



SC276: Insert harem joke here.



He rested against his half barrel table, his forelegs folded over the heavy, well worn and well polished wood. He heard the clatter of metal coming from some back room, the sound caused his ears to twitch and made him grimace in pain.



JofY: This is why we think of him as a whimp.



But then the silence returned and Rye felt a little better.



SC276: Meanwhile, we feel worse.



He dug out his coin purse from a pouch on his body harness and set it out on the table.



SC276: It was immediately stolen. *pulls out a vacuum cleaner*

JofY: Oh, thank you. You have no idea how long that rug’s been dirty.



He belched, a sour taste flooding his mouth, and he shuddered as the foul smell of his own breath violated his nostrils.



SC276: You feel your sins crawling down your back.



The mare reappeared, bearing a tray.



JofY: And forced the tray down his mouth.



She hurried through the room, moving with care and near silence, her hoofsteps muffled against the stone floor.



SC276: What’s the rush? It’s not like you have other customers, though given the terrible lighting, they could just be lurking in the corners.



Standing by Rye’s table, she put down a large mug, a teapot, a small bowl of heavy cream, a jar of honey, a plate of some pastries, and a large wedge of pie.



SC276: That’s a lot of stuff for someone that hasn’t even paid yet.



The pie was strange and Rye stared at it.



SC276: Don’t do that, it’s rude.



“Quiche,” the mare said before Rye could speak. “A pie made from eggs, cheese, and vegetables. Today’s quiche has spinach, fennel, leeks, and eggplant. I assure you, it will make you feel better.”



SC276: Probably me too, but those last three things kill it for me.



There was a soft clunk of metal as the mare set down a spoon beside the slice of pie. “Bon appétit.”



SC276: Who eats pie with a freakin’ spoon?

JofY: Note: We here at F/F/T3k15 do not discriminate against others eating choices. If you do eat pie with a spoon, blame SC276 and not us. Thank you.



The mare bowed and then hurried away. Rye watched her go and heard her say, “Forgive me, but there are things in the oven that must come out… we are preparing for the rush of evening.”



SC276: What freakin’ time is it anyway?

JofY: I don’o clock.



Rye realised



SC276: British!



that the mare had not collected payment.



SC276: That’s because the only currently she accepts is souls.

JofY: Darn, I still haven’t gone back from children's hearts after my trip.



Bleary eyed, he blinked a few times, not knowing what to do, then, shrugging, he lifted up his spoon in his telekinesis, poked at his strange pie, and took a bite.



It was hot, but not too hot.



SC276: So, just right?



It was eggy, it was cheesy, it oozed with buttery flavour, and Rye found that he was, indeed, hungry. He tore into his slice of quiche with gusto, gobbling it down, forgetting all about his good manners.



SC276: Much like the author did by posting this travesty in the first place.



As he shoveled the last bite of quiche into his mouth, the door to the cafe opened.



JofY: “THIS IS THE POLICE! WE HEARD A REPORT ABOUT SOMEONE FORGETTING THEIR MANNERS!”



Rye lifted his head while smacking his lips and chewing. What he saw surprised him. He sat there, blinking, and his food almost fell out of his mouth.



Mousy and Bloody Velvet had entered.



SC276: Well that’s right convenient.



Something was different about Mousy and Velvet,



SC276: They had misplaced their pronouns somewhere.

JofY: They were dead.



but Rye could only stare at Mousy. She was shiny, sleek, her pelt was slick looking, her mane had been trimmed and so had her tail.



JofY: Someone abused her with glitter!



Rye’s spoon clattered to the table with a metallic thump of silver on wood.



SC276: Dude, she just took a bath or something.

JofY: ...That’s the oddest euphemism for an erection I’ve heard.



“And here he is… I told you I would find him,” Velvet said to Mousy.



SC276: [Velvet] “AND UNIT-MOUSEY DOUBTED THIS UNIT’S GPS FUNCTIONALITY.”



Smiling, Velvet gave Mousy a nudge, a wink, and a nod.



JofY: Is she a goer? You know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.



“I’m going to leave you two alone.” Velvet turned her head and looked at Rye, giving him a distasteful scowl.



JofY: ...Well, someone’s being rude.



“Rye, darling, close your mouth. It’s full of food.”



SC276: Oh shut up, ya bloody robot.



With that, Bloody Velvet backed out of the door and was gone, leaving Rye and Mousy alone in the cafe.



JofY: The waitress is making a break for it!



Mousy, looking shy, approached Rye’s table, her tail swishing from side to side as she moved, her eyes focused on Rye with a bashful stare.



“Velvet insisted that I get groomed… she said that every husband deserves to see his bride in a state of perfection at least once,” Mousy said as she sat down at the table with Rye.



SC276: [Mousy] “So she threw me in the ocean. Your ‘queen’ is freakin’ crazy.”



“Do you like what you see?”



JofY: Not particularly.



Nodding, Rye swallowed with a gulp and continued to stare. He was so focused on Mousy that he failed to notice the older mare creeping up on the table, silent, moving with a wide grin, until she set down a bit more food and a second mug.



JofY: Assassin!



He glanced at her, and once again, he forgot to bring up the matter of his bill to Madam Buns.



JofY: ...Your 10 year old wife is right there!



She was gone in the bat of an eyelash, vanishing back through the door and into the kitchen, leaving Rye and Mousy in awkward silence.



SC276: This is like that restaurant in Freefall with the French ninjas, only with poorer lighting.



Rye poured himself a cup of tea, almost spilling it, and then poured one for Mousy.



JofY: Thrilling!



Rye added cream and honey to both cups as he kept glancing up at Mousy. She looked radiant, that was the only word he could think of to describe her. She was happy, joyful, and scared.



SC276: Good to know fear is a critical component of radiance.



Looking at her, Rye could see it.



JofY: The bomb.



Seeing her fear made him feel better, he wasn’t the only one feeling some trepidation about all of this.



SC276: [Rye] “Your fear arouses me. Granted, so does everything else about you.”



“Rye, I have a confession, I almost ran away,” Mousy whispered as Rye stirred both teacups. “Velvet knew what I was thinking and she stopped me.



SC276: What, you couldn’t just have the marriage annulled? Honestly, given the way Celestia was talking about it, there’s probably not a whole lot of legal meaning to the term anyway.

JofY: If you get drunk, you get married. It’s law.



I’m sorry… I…”



Looking into Mousy’s eyes, he saw a lot more fear now and a lot less joy and happiness.



SC276: Fear levels are off the charts.



Her mouth was moving, but no words were coming out.



JofY: Oh! Sorry, I accidently pressed mute.



Her ears were limp against her face. Her eyes began to glisten.



“They only tell you to catch a husband…



JofY: [Mousy] “But I’ve caught 7!”



find a worthwhile colt or a stallion and then finagle your way into marriage.”



SC276: “Wait until they’re drunk” is not “finagling” if it’s literally how every marriage starts.



Mousy shook her head as more words spilled out and she blinked away tears. “I’ll admit, about five minutes after I met you, I was plotting on how I would win you over or trick you into marriage…



JofY: *laughing* What age did she realize she need to do this?



you seemed a bit too clever and dangerous to con so I thought I would endear myself to you somehow.



SC276: And I suppose you went for him because Spyglass wasn’t available? Even though you had no evidence he was anything more than a cabin boy?

JofY: No, you see, he was wearing neon signs indicating that he was the protagonist, and their first meeting in slow-mo.



I didn’t expect for you to come to me and when you did, I told you no… I didn’t expect myself to do that, I found that I actually liked you and for a moment, I felt wrong about what I had wanted.”



JofY: Lazy retconning or subtle character development? You make the call!



Rye’s ears stood at attention while Mousy poured her heart to him.



SC276: *pours a tankard of orange juice* This is the only way I’m getting through this...



“A filly is told over and over about how to catch a colt or a stallion, but nopony ever told me what to do with one once I caught him,”



JofY: I wonder what those teaching moments were like… “Remember kids, when you meet someone of opposite gender, fling your genitals at them until they bend to your will.”



Mousy said in a low whisper as she tapped her front hooves together. “I got scared, Rye. I thought about running. I’m a grifter, Rye, and an earth pony. All I have is my wits.



SC276: [Mousy] “Also an innate connection to the land that lets me do amazing things with trial and error, but the author doesn’t know that.”

JofY: [Racist Moment: 3]



When trouble comes, all I can do is run and hope for the best.”



JofY: ~So I ran, I ran so far away.~



She turned away, her barrel rising and falling as she breathed. “I’m sorry… I don’t mean to be all weepy.” Mousy sniffled and stared down into her tea.



SC276: Don’t worry lady, it’s the author’s fault.



“As I recall, you were about to be married when we met.” Rye lifted a pastry off of the small plate beside his teacup. It had some kind of purple-red jelly, was flaky, and smelled sour.



JofY: No! Wait! You’ll have to marry it if you eat it out!



He stuffed it into his mouth and puckered up from the tart flavour of some kind of berries.



“Yes,” Mousy sighed, shaking her head, and her eyes narrowed. “He was awful, I couldn’t marry him, he got off on hurting fillies.



SC276: Is it the author? Well, he gets off on fucking fillies...



I heard stories… I’ve almost been married a few times now… I’m ashamed to admit.”



JofY: She’s like ten! How many pedofelias are there!?

SC276: Well it’s this universe, so basically half the male population. And that’s best-case.



“A few times?” Rye asked.



SC276: How many drunks does Trottingham have?



“I ain’t proud about it,” Mousy replied, “I did tell you I’m a grifter.”



“What happened?” Rye ate another tart and then slid a few over to Mousy.



SC276: Big paragraph ahoy. Literally the only good part about the fic is at least the paragraph structure is more-or-less correct.

JofY: Oh boy, sure glad I can read that and not have that fact told to me and trust it on blind faith.



“Well, during some particularly hard times, I might have led on a few well to do ponies enough to get some gifts along with talk of marriage. My former accomplices and I might have concocted a few clever ruses to make a few wealthy marks believe I was something that I was not…



SC276: “Your dowry! It’s my right!”



one suitor believed I was the unfortunate earth pony daughter of a wealthy unicorn diplomat, who would be very, very grateful if somepony took pity on his poor, unfortunate daughter that had been born an earth pony and married her.



JofY: With this statement, it almost sounds like being born without wings or a horn is a genetic defect.

JofY: I already added one for this ‘woe is me’ conversation, and it needs to be both explicit racism and a change needs to happen in the conversation to count.



As it turns out, my so called ‘father’ was my accomplice and my former boss, a unicorn named Fortunato. The pony that wanted to marry me showered me and Fortunato with gifts.”



“So what happened? How did this end?” Rye, curious, took a sip of tea and waited for Mousy to tell him.



SC276: ~Then next to the graveyard by the old oak tree / on a dark foggy night at a quarter to three / she was ready to go, but where was he...?~



“The mark had a friend that got worried and did a little investigating at the embassy. Fortunato and I were hunted. I got out of the city, Liverypool,



JofY: Boooooo.



and from what I hear, they sealed Fortunato up inside of a wall, bricking him in,”



JofY: Oh no! He could just walk away… Since it’s just one wall. Or is he actually the wall?



Mousy paused and looked Rye in the eye, “what a horrible way to go.”



SC276: Bricking him- wait... *Googles*...Fortunato is the name of the guy the protagonist of The Cask of Amontillado walls in. Author, if you’re trying to hide your sources, don’t reference Edgar Allen freakin’ Poe.



“But you got away—”



“Fortunato made certain that I got away. He gave me money and got me out of the city… he was good to me… he was into stallions and I felt safe with him…



SC276: I don’t know why this author insists on creating a dark world where a young girl has to be with a gay to feel safe.

JofY: Maybe he thinks gays are flamboyant?



he never tried to do anything awful to me and we did a lot of father-daughter scams. I was his meal ticket and he was my protection.”



JofY: Okay, where’s the shelter?



Mousy’s eyes became glassy with tears that she blinked away.



JofY: Her tears are made out of molten sand?



“It’s hard being an earth pony and it’s even harder being a female. Life doesn’t give you a lot of options,



SC276: [Mousy] “...especially when the author can’t remember what Earth ponies can actually do...”



the big cities are horrible places… I didn’t want to be a harlot, a warm inviting hole ready at a moment’s notice.



SC276: I’d ask if she was talking about when she grew up, but then I remember it’s this dumbfuck author.



I tried being honest and pulling a cab for a while, but that was dangerous…



JofY: She started smoking when she was 3.



I had passengers that wanted me to take them to less than desireable places and I knew what would happen to me if I took them there… it just isn’t safe for a female to be pulling a cab.”



JofY: When did you get a driver's license? When were cars made!?



Scowling, Rye nodded. It wasn’t safe to be a servant either, he recalled the many times he had warned a filly or a young mare fresh to the job not to be alone in a room where certain colts or stallions might prey upon them.



JofY: Wasn’t like a chapter/half a chapter ago, he was saying how safe slavery was!?



He also recalled the pained looks upon the faces of the fillies and young mares that had not listened to what he had to say.



JofY: Or were those the ones that were listening to them?...



The broken, defeated, pained looks… even worse, many of those fillies and young mares kept working after the fact, needing the job, and having no other recourse.



SC276: Also, you got beat up when the son was bad as if that was supposed to be punishment for him.



Tilting his head, Rye watched as Mousy lowered herself down and began lapping up tea from out of her cup.



JofY: Who’s a good bitch? Who’s a good bitch? You are. Yes, you are.



He saw her orange tongue flicking out from between her lips,



SC276: why is her tongue orange that is not normal tongue color

JofY: I believe it’s an animation error.



and then, her mouth puckering, she placed her lips down into her tea so she could slurp some up. He saw her eyes darting upwards, looking at him, and he could see her shy, bashful expression. She looked ashamed.



SC276: For what, drinking tea?



It was hard to tell if he was being conned and Rye wished that Velvet was here.



JofY: Clearly the crazy violent pony is what is needed.



He supposed it was in Mousy’s better interests to be honest with him.



SC276: Best interests. It’s called “best interests,” plant-boy.



Velvet had no doubt had a few choice words with Mousy, or so Rye guessed. From the kitchen, there was a soft clatter, which caused Rye and Mousy’s ears to twitch.



SC276: Obviously an important detail!



“I’ve done some bad things but I’m not a bad pony,”



JofY: You and Walter White.



Mousy whispered as she lifted her head and tea dribbled down her chin. “I can be good to you if you give me a chance.



SC276: Pretty sure he was looking for you, sister.

JofY: That word choice doesn’t help your statement.



I can be a better pony if you give me a chance. Bloody Velvet… she… she—”



“She what?” Rye asked as Mousy gave him a fearful look.



“She said that if I did you wrong that she…



JofY: [Mousy] “She gave me a purple nurple.”



well, never mind what she said.” Mousy shivered, her teeth clattering together, and she looked at Rye. “I suppose they call her Bloody Velvet for a reason.”



SC276: [Velvet] “HAVING DISCOVERED THAT FLESH-UNICORNS CAN BE REPROGRAMMED AS THIS UNIT CAN, THIS UNIT IS SEEKING TEST SUBJECTS FOR EXPERIMENTS REGARDING SAID REPROGRAMMING. FAILURE TO PLEASE UNIT-RYE WILL RESULT IN UNIT-MOUSY BEING PERMANENTLY LISTED AS A TEST SUBJECT.”



“So… partners then? You watch my back, I’ll watch yours, and while we might have some… questionable dealings with others, we remain honest and true to each other?”



SC276: Given plant-boy insists on Earth ponies being useless, she’s pretty much going to be the load for the rest of the story.

JofY: Yaaaaay.



Rye Mash gazed into Mousy’s eyes and felt his heart quicken.



JofY: His heart started taxes early this year.



She was pretty, he could not deny that.



“I can do that,” Mousy replied as she batted her eyelashes at Rye.



Rye Mash, who was feeling a little better now, found himself entranced with Mousy. “I’m looking forward to our mutually beneficial partnership…”



SC276: This is like noticing you burnt the steak, so you turn the heat down most of the way, but not turning it off so it’s still slow-cooking.



Author's Note:

My French is terrible, please, feel free to correct me if needed.



SC276: Pretty sure you’d just say I’m wrong and your story is flawless.





Chapter 30



“You wanted to see me?” Rye Mash looked at the stricken alicorn laying in her bed.



SC276: Because it’s not like she fell ill the last time they talked to each other.



Her body twitched, she shivered, and her eyes were unfocused.



JofY: [Rye] “You wanted to speak with me?”

[Celstia] *Unconscious twitching*

[Rye] “Uck! How could you!? You sicken me!”



He felt a growing feeling of concern and unease when he looked upon Princess Celestia.



He had returned to The Apogee with Mousy when he had been approached by one of Princess Celestia’s guards, telling him that he was wanted.



SC276:This guy is just bouncing between events like a freakin’ pinball. Everyone’s coming to see him.



Rye had come at once, worried, and Mousy had come with him, insisting on remaining by his side.



Princess Celestia’s laboured breathing was heavy in his ears and her eyes seemed to be staring through him. He could feel the heat radiating from her body, as if she was being consumed by some terrible fever. She was sweaty, the parts of her not covered by her blanket were slick and shiny.



JofY: Ewww...



“Stella… old tongue… it means star,”



SC276: Stella!



Princess Celestia managed to say in between panting gasps. “The stars... will aid... in her escape… star magic… is rare… and powerful… you must hurry.”



Rye’s ears perked forwards, he did not understand.



JofY: That powerful magic is in play and can be used to your advantage. Pay attention!



He lowered his head and he heard the clank of armor as a guard shifted position.



JofY: Wait a second… That’s not shift… IT’S CAPS LOCK! RUN!



When he was almost nose to nose with Princess Celestia, he realised that he could smell the sickness, that smell that ponies got from sweat, illness, high fever, and something going wrong with their insides.



JofY: Rye finally realized the benefits of him getting that medical degree.



A chilly ache permeated his guts and terminated in his balls with a stabbing throb, making the entirety of his nether regions clench.



JofY: ...Is he getting off on this!?



“I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” Rye said in a soft voice.



SC276: That would be because it was ambiguous as fuck.

JofY: Please try again, after the tone.



“The world… will be… lost… to darkness.”



JofY: Damn it, Darkness! Did you lose the world, again?



Princess Celestia’s halting, stammering speech came out as little more than a fevered, almost delirious sounding whisper. “Great evil… locked away… but the stars… the stars… are hers... I cannot… control them… any longer… something else… seeks… to… free… her.”



SC276: ...Well guess you’re feeling silly now for ignoring the suggestions of an assassination attempt, now aren’t you?



“Who?” Rye asked. He blinked. “I don’t understand… free what?”



“Darkness,” Princess Celestia replied, exhaling the word in a breathy utterance.



Confused, Rye stood there, not knowing what to do, what to say, or even how to respond.



JofY: He didn’t know what words are.



Princess Celestia was no doubt consumed by fever, he could see it, smell it, he could feel it radiating from her, it was like standing next to a furnace.



JofY: Cooking a fine stew.



She wasn’t making a lot of sense.



SC276: The rest of the fic is already doing that.



“You… have to… hurry, Rye,” Princess Celestia whispered.



JofY: Yeah, it’s been like a week since you first got the mission. Do something already!



Drawing in a deep breath, flogging his brain for what to say or do, Rye was about to say something when Princess Celestia’s horn flashed.



SC276: Lady, I don’t think you’re in any condition to be using magic.



The room was filled with brilliant light, leaving Rye blinded.



JofY: ~~Blinded by the light!~~



He blinked, trying to recover his vision, and he had the strangest sensation that he was falling.



SC276: Headfirst into a rock.



Shivering, Rye found himself standing in a forest.



JofY: ...Celestia's a dick!



It was dark, it was cold, and he had no idea what he was doing here.



JofY: Perhaps there should have been an actual transition.



The sky overhead was black, black as pitch, and there were no stars.



JofY: Is it as black as a sound, or as black as someone throwing a baseball?



A strange silverish light offered faint illumination, but Rye could not tell where the light was coming from. His body harness was gone, he had no guns, no means to defend himself.



JofY: Too bad he ain’t the species that can fight without any special machinery.

SC276: Or magic.



The trees were enormous, massive, and twisted. This forest was old, Rye could smell the scent of decaying wood and the sharp tang of forest loam beneath his hooves.



SC276: Maybe someone just needs to tell the author what semicolons are.



Fungal growths protruded from the trunks of the trees, extending like empty shelves.



SC276: That’s usually a sign they should’ve fallen over by now.



Rye looked around, trying to figure out where the faint silver light was coming from. There were no stars, there was no moon, the sky was as black as a funeral shroud.



JofY: Really? I mean it’s not like you said so ~7 sentences ago.



The trees had no leaves, they were withered, naked, the skeletal trees of autumn.



“Who dares to enter my realm?”



JofY: “How many times do I have to tell you people, I don’t need to find god, I am him!”

SC276: [Rye] “Um, pizza?”



The voice was cold, imperious, and regal.



SC276: Is Nightmare Moon actually involved now? I seriously doubt there’s anyone else that fits that criteria unless it’s another crap OC.



Hearing it made Rye shiver even harder. The voice echoed through the trees and the only other sound that Rye could hear was the sound of his own teeth chattering.



JofY: Then someone needs to fire the sound engineer.



His eyes darted to the left, then to the right, and his ears perked as he tried to discover the source of the sound.



JofY: His face had no idea what it’s motivation was.



“You do not have the magic to come here on your own… who might you be and why are you here?”



SC276: he was actually teleported by a sick alicorn who can’t even string sentences together are you freakin’ kidding me

JofY: [Celestia] “Aww… Did I accidentally send another pony to the dark death dimension? Great, now I need to find someone else to rescue my student.”



Muscles clenching, Rye Mash ground his teeth together, refusing to let them chatter for a second longer.



JofY: Because that kind of thing is a voluntary reaction.



He swallowed, summoning his courage,



JofY: Unfortunately, he selected the Knights of the Round and had to wait five minutes for it to be over.



but on the inside, he quailed as he felt his bowels turning to water.



JofY: ...Why?



Something about the voice was terrifying.



SC276: You mean besides coming from this story?

JofY: What? SC276, text can’t talk.

SC276: ...Wait, really?

JofY: Yeah. What? Did you forget we read words?

SC276: What, you’re not hearing it?



He started forwards, towards what he believed was the sound of the voice.



SC276: You’re going towards the scary thing without your security guns? Gheeze, no one in this universe has survival instinct.



His legs were stiff, difficult to move, and not from defiance.



SC276: They were from Pakistan.



His whole body felt frozen, not just from the temperature, but from sheer terror. It felt as though his balls were being crushed in an icy vice.



JofY: ~~Let it go! Let it g- *gets knocked unconscious*



His guts ached as his innards twisted around inside of him like writhing serpents.



SC276: Dude, if you’re gonna throw up, do it offscreen.



Ahead there was a pool of water that glowed with a silvery blue light.



JofY: Woo! Spring break!



He felt something grab him, something unseen, and he was dragged forwards, his hooves dragging through the rotting loam.



JofY: It was so evil, that it was dead.



He came to a halt at the edge of the pool, something grabbed his head, and he was forced to look down into the depths.



SC276: Author, you’re showing he’s just being puppeteered into the plot a little too literally now.



The water darkened, turning black, like spilled ink.



JofY: [Nightmare Moon] “Want to meet my pet octopus?”



Something swirled in the depths and then, blinking, two eyes appeared in the maelstrom of darkness. Two eyes, dark teal, with reptilian slitted pupils.



SC276: [Pinkie Pie] “IT’S NIGHTMARE MOON! EVERYPONY, RUN!”

JofY: oh my gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.



Black tendrils rose from the surface of the water, creeping towards Rye’s face. He tried to scream, but found he couldn’t.



One of the black tendrils curled around Rye’s muzzle, holding his head in place, while yet another began to worm its way into his nostril.



SC276: Well that’s one way to do tentacle rape...



The tip of another began to work its way into the corner of his eye,



JofY: I’m just going to take the interpretation that Nightmare Moon is honestly just trying to get off with Mash, but she just has no idea what she’s doing.



trying to squeeze in, and even though Rye Mash very much wanted to scream, he found that he could not, even when he could feel something slithering behind his eyeball and burrowing into his brain.



SC276: OK uh, I’m gonna just go watch Happy Tree Friends for a while; it’s less disturbing than this.

JofY: [Nightmare Moon] “*reading a book* ...So now I’m supposed to shove as many as I can into… the front lower hole?... Okay!”



There was a brilliant red flash that blinded Rye, he blinked, trying to recover his vision, and he crumpled into a heap beside the pool of darkness.



SC276: His numerous run-on sentences were finally catching up with him.



Whatever was trying to worm its way inside of his skull was now gone, but he couldn’t see what was going on.



“Don’t you touch him!”



JofY: [???] “Putting him a latex suit is clearly more erotic!”

[Mash] “Oh, come on.”

[??? + Nightmare] “We’re trying!”



Still blinking, still trying to clear his vision, Rye recognised the sound of Bloody Velvet’s voice. Somehow, she was here, and she meant business.



SC276: Oh, they’re in one of those astral projection things that she was mentioned to be capable of doing forever ago but didn’t show until now. Also, [Velvet] “UPLINK COMPLETE.”



He didn’t know what was going on, but he felt hopeful.



SC276: You are filled with deter- *slaps self* Huh, my body refuses to associate any positive aspects of Undertale with this story on reflex. Whatta ya know.

JofY: Honestly, I would have hurt you for the overused reference.



“I don’t know who or what you are,



SC276: [Velvet] “FACIAL ANALYSIS RESULTS: NO MATCHES.”



but you’ve made a terrible mistake…



JofY: [Velvet] “The arms aren’t correctly bound, the positioning is not humiliating...”



I’ll end you for this!” Bloody Velvet shrieked.



SC276: Yeah, have fun killing Nightmare Moon like three hundred years or something before she returns and gets rainbow’d.



A blast of heat washed over Rye, driving the cold from his body, and now he felt a bit singed.



JofY: [Mash] “~~Hello, my baby! Hello, my darling! Hello, my ragtime gal.~~”



The explosion did nothing to help his vision. He was blind, but he could hear.



SC276: Because the author is too lazy to write a proper battle scene.



He heard fizzles, pops, the sounds of magic, and heard the sounds of water splashing.



JofY: Rice Krispies!



He felt a curious sensation in his navel, as though something was tugging on him from the inside.



JofY: He’s preggers.



It was a bit uncomfortable at first, then it became a little painful, and then, without further ado, it became excruciating—Rye feared that he was about to be turned inside out.



SC276: OK, whoever managed to fire an agony beam into the fic from here, raise your hand now and I might not knock you out and steal it for personal use.

JofY: You do realize I’m going to have to dismantle it, right?



He tried to cry out in pain and couldn’t. He rolled over onto his back and felt something slither around his leg.



JofY: Nightmare Moon just apparently doesn’t care what Velvet has to say.



Something was dragging him, he was being pulled down the slope and he realised he was being pulled into the pool of darkness.



SC276: Gheeze, Nightmare Moon wants the D bad.



“NO!” Bloody Velvet commanded, her voice accompanied by a searing blast of heat.



Rye felt himself let go.



JofY: He gained 20 pounds in, like a week.



Confused, still blinded, he didn’t know what to do,



SC276: Well you should clearly continue being present, since that’s the only way the plot insists on happening.



but he tried crawling away from the pool before he was grabbed again. The tugging sensation inside of his navel grew in strength and Rye Mash endured the peculiar sensation that he imagined felt a lot like birth;



JofY: Oooh! One more fetish and I get bingo!



he could feel his body being pulled through a hole that seemed far too small.



SC276: No, that’s apparition.

JofY: Push!



Princess Celestia’s pale magenta eyes were boring a hole into him and Rye Mash found that he could not turn away. He was mesmerised, unable to move, scarcely even able to breathe, and his nose was pressed up against the alicorn’s graceful, but sweaty snoot.



SC276: Well if that thing from earlier wasn’t mind rape...



“Cerise Velvet… has… grown… powerful... she might… even be… the one… to restore… magic.” Princess Celestia’s panted words were hot and wet against Rye’s muzzle. “So… much… power… and… love… for… her… friends… she… might… be… the… one.”



SC276: No, author, the Matrix doesn’t explain any of this shit.

JofY: You’re doing the William Shatner impression wrong. It’s supposed to be pause, speak quickly, pause. Not, pause, pause, pause.



Whatever was holding Rye let go of him and he lifted his head, Princess Celestia’s eyes followed him, remaining locked upon him.



SC276: [Celestia] “What did you do with the key, kid…?!”



Try as he might, he found he could not look away from her gaze, but he did manage to take a step backwards.



JofY: Quick! Strafe!



Rye Mash, Rye Mash



SC276: ~-baker’s man, bake me a cake as fast as you can...~



blinked as he heard Princess Celestia’s voice inside of his head, coming from in between his ears.



JofY: It must have gone through his ears like most sounds do!



You must hurry. Find Stella before it is too late.



SC276: Now for the game we call “Did Ring forget to check the formatting or was the author just that stupid?” ...Aaaaand it’s Ring messing up. All these inner thoughts are supposed to be in italics. Also Ring left out the horizontal line rules.

JofY: Point goes to Kudzu.



I was right to trust in both you and Velvet. Go and speak to her, she will know more of what to do.



SC276: Go speak to this NPC to finish this quest objective.



Trust in your friends, Rye… friendship is a magic all its own…



SC276: And yet every single marriage in the world requires the guy getting drunk first.

JofY: ...If you think about it, does that just mean that Candace is the princess of getting drunk?



it might be our last defense against what is surely coming.



SC276: Well we haven’t hit the stupidity saturation point yet, I don’t think. I don’t think even our own friendly neighborhood robot is going to help with that.



With a gasp, Princess Celestia’s eyes rolled up into her head and she went still, her breathing becoming shallow. Rye stood there, silent, now free of whatever enchantment that had held him.



JofY: *pulls out a Scroll of Examination* ...A +5 to quickness apparently.



He was able to look around, and he saw Mousy staring at him, a fearful look upon her face.



JofY: She gained new fetishes that day.



Lowering his head, Rye Mash pressed his muzzle against Princess Celestia’s, a gesture of affection, hoping to get some response out of her.



JofY: [Mousy] “You slut!”



There was none. She lay there, limp, unresponsive, and Rye felt hot tears lurking in the corners of his eyes seeing her in this state.



SC276: She’s not dead, you idiot. She and Luna still have to do that brainwash thing in the future that Ring keeps telling me about.



After a moment, he pulled himself away, turned to look at Mousy, and then said, “I think I need to go and talk to Bloody Velvet.”



“Rye, are you okay?” As Bloody Velvet spoke, Rye felt himself snatched in powerful magic and jerked forwards.



SC276: Gheeze, lady, let him walk!

JofY: [Rye] “Don’t bind me!”



Bloody Velvet was shaking far worse than usual, and as he found himself being examined.



SC276: [Velvet] “RUNNING EXTERNAL DIAGNOSTICS....”



She looked into his eyes, gazed at his nose, checked his ears, and then rubbed her quivering, palsy afflicted cheek against his.



JofY: She’s paralyzed!?



“I’m fine,” Rye replied, “mind telling me what that was?”



SC276: [Velvet] “THAT WAS A SIMPLE TRACTOR BEAM SPELL-FUNCTION.”



“I’m not sure, it was like the astral realm but different.



SC276: [Velvet] “OH, UNIT-RYE WAS REFERRING TO THE DEAD FOREST LOCATION. UNIT-RYE SHOULD BE MORE SPECIFIC IN FUTURE INQUIRIES.”



I don’t know what that was.



JofY: “However, I did find some nice padding to keep warm at night.”



I just had the feeling that you were in danger and somehow, I knew where you were…



JofY: I think it’s called: B.S.



what were you doing there? How did you end up in that place?”



SC276: Best I can tell, Celestia tried to kill him by throwing him to Nightmare Moon. I fully endorse this plan.



Bloody Velvet stepped back from Rye and continued to examine him, looking him over, her face fearful. “Injuries in the astral realm can be so real inside the mind that they can pass over into this world.



JofY: It’s not like the body is a series of chemical reactions that would deny such a thing.



Are you okay?”



“I’m fine, really.” Rye took a deep breath. “I think Princess Celestia sent me there, I’m not sure what happened.



JofY: The fic has had so little action of late, that even the main character doesn’t know what it is!



She said some strange stuff and I don’t know what is going on.



SC276: What else is new?



I’m not a very magical unicorn and I don’t know anything about this sort of stuff. What was that black thing anyhow?”



JofY: Well, when a monster loves a human very much...



“I don’t know.” Bloody Velvet’s eyes narrowed and she shook her head. “I’ve never seen anything like it.



SC276: Are we at the point that the existence of Celestia’s sister became a myth everyone forgot? I forgot what the status of that was at the beginning of the series.



It’s strong, whatever it is, might even be stronger than I am… if we have to fight it again, we’re in trouble… I was only able to hurt it because I was so angry…



JofY: You and every other Sayan.

SC276: [Velvet] “UNIT-WOE INSTALLED GAMMA-HULK POWER MODULES INTO MY EMOTIONAL UNIT THE OTHER DAY.”



it was hurting you, Rye… I could see those… black… things digging their way into your head.”



SC276: And finding absolutely nothing.

JofY: “I just don’t get how that’s erotic!”



“Velvet, we need to hurry. She’s real sick. Something is horribly wrong.



JofY: Naw. Really?

SC276: Well let’s start with the fact no marriage in known history has had a sober groom...



Something is trying to escape or something, the ciphers I’ve cracked even said something to that effect. They foalnapped Stella because of her star magic.



SC276: I forgot if Celestia mentioned her student had a special brand of magic at the original meeting. If she didn’t, why didn’t she state the main reason the girl is a macguffin?

JofY: It’s an objective, of course it’s a macguffin. What? Do you also need to know the fact that student has the ability to breathe?



Do you think it was whatever was in that pool?”



JofY: Yes, it was liquified Stella.



“Might be, I don’t know. I don’t know enough about this sort of thing, but I know a pony who might. We need to make Starjammer talk somehow. He knows stuff.



SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT PERFORMED A SURFACE SCAN OF HIS BRAIN AND IS 99.9% CERTAIN UNIT-STARJAMMER HAS KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUBJECT.”

JofY: “He knows what numbers are! Clearly he knows everything!”



He’s scary smart and somehow, he knows stuff.”



SC276: Even the author can’t bother to come up with an excuse.



Bloody Velvet took a deep breath and began to try and calm down.



In the distance, the sun was setting, appearing to sink down into the ocean.



SC276: This time it actually was, given the princess is unconscious.



The first stars of evening began to twinkle.



JofY: Actually, those are just airplanes.



The wind kicked up and The Apogee bobbed in its mooring.



SC276: Why is the airship actually on the water again? Did the author forget they’re sky pirates?



The three ponies standing upon the deck exchanged a three way glance and then all three of them looked over at Princess Celestia’s ship.



“How do I fight something like that… thing?” Rye asked.



SC276: Well for starters, you’re going to need a cannon- oh you’re not talking about the thing you’re looking at?



“You can’t, Rye, you can’t.” Bloody Velvet shook her head. “You’re too weak. It will devour you.



SC276: Then why is the author still here?



I’m not sure if I could face it again, but I might have a better chance if Starjammer joined me. He’s strong, but he’s not experienced in astral projection.” The mare stood there, trembling, her Shivers causing her whole body to jerk and twitch.



SC276: Yeah, that’s kinda the whole thing that they do, is this ever going to be explained without reading the two-million-word sequel?



“Princess Celestia has some nerve doing what she did just to test us.”



SC276: [Celestia] “It’s called ‘mind control,’ sister. You act like this is a new thing.”

JofY: Yeah, blame the sick being that’s half-conscious.



“This is bigger than us, Velvet,” Mousy said, finally getting up enough nerve to interject something into the conversation. “Better we get tested now and survive than later when the danger is greater and fail.”



JofY: Tested? Tested for what? An STD?



Bloody Velvet’s ears perked forwards and she studied the earth pony that stood beside Rye. “You keep surprising me, Mousy.



JofY: ...Eh… Not explicit enough to be racist.



You keep this up, and I might find myself liking you.”



SC276: See it’s funny because Earth ponies are literally worth dirt in this setting-



Bloody Velvet gave Mousy a nervous smile. “I’m going to go and talk with Captain Spyglass. Something tells me that we need to leave in a hurry.



SC276: And yet you didn’t do this earlier?



Rye, don’t go wandering off, you and I need to have a long talk with Starjammer so we can sort all of this out.”



SC276: You’re going to need more than one talk to sort out this nonsense.



Author's Note:

You have questions? I may or may not have answers!



SC276: Given you gave away the main ship of the story in the comments leagues before you took a break, I’m pretty sure you have answers to questions that don’t exist.





Chapter 31



Shivering, Rye Mash opened his eyes.



JofY: Oh god! It’s everywhere! Why did he cut open his eyes!?!



He had been dreaming, but he could not remember what he had been dreaming about.



SC276: That’s kinda how it usually works, buddy.



He was cold, the air was chilly and he was sweating. He was in the top half of the bed, curled up, and Mousy was down at the foot of the bed, also curled up.



JofY: You had your ‘wife’ sleep on the floor?

SC276: You think they would’ve figured out the “adjacent” part by now...



She had stolen the blanket at some point in the night, made a nest, and was now asleep on top of it.



JofY: Keeping her eggs very warm.



For a moment, Rye Mash thought about cuddling up next to her so he could get warm. She was his wife now, it was supposed to be okay to do that sort of thing, but he didn’t feel comfortable about it for some reason.

SC276: Yeah, and that reason is “it’s freakin’ bullshit.”



His new cabin was smaller, narrower, a space made just for him and Mousy.



SC276: Getting a roommate requires a cabin with less space?



The interiour of The Apogee had been changed a fair bit to make it a bit more efficient as a living space.



JofY: You could live in it with 27% more accuracy!



There was a folding table on the wall, the bed, and one comfortable chair in the corner.



JofY: The other chairs were made out of spikes.



The room smelled of fresh cut wood, glue, and of Mousy’s perfume.



SC276: Since when has she had perfume?



Haunted by the eyes he had seen in the pool, Rye got out of bed, being careful not to disturb or wake Mousy from her sleep. He slipped away, making as little sound as possible, opened the door, stepped outside into the hallway, and decided that he needed some fresh night air.



JofY: Unfortunately the local high school band was saying in the ship that night and left their instruments in the hallway.

SC276: You decided you needed air after getting up and wandering.



Emerging up on deck, Rye Mash saw that he wasn’t alone.



JofY: God was with him.

SC276: Please, if God was watching, there’d be a lot more lightning.



Starjammer was sitting in the prow of the ship, staring off towards the starry horizon, the wind blowing his long, perfect mane around his face.



SC276: If the narration is turning into Cecil, I’m leaving.

JofY: But Starjammer isn’t a hot scientist.



Sniffing, Rye could smell whiskey, the strong heady scent of whiskey,



SC276: Stop repeating yourself!



and he felt his stomach turn just a little bit.



With the soft thump of his hooves striking the wooden deck, Rye walked forwards, glad to have somepony else awake at this time of night.



SC276: [Rye] “Makes surprise buttsex much easier!”



He felt apprehensive, nervous, he did not know why. He wondered why Starjammer was drinking. Was it thirst? Was he drowning his sorrows? What was he sad about? Had Celestia said something?



JofY: [Narration] “Was he drunk with Celestia? Did he sleep with Celestia? Is he married to Celestia?”

[Rye] “WHAT DID YOU DO TO CELESTIA!?”

[Starjammer] “*drops water* Huh?”



Rye even wondered if Starjammer was pining for him for whatever reason.



SC276: More likely, he’s pining for the fjords.



He felt very, very confused. Starjammer was more than a friend now, just like Mousy was more than an acquaintance.



JofY: They were BESTIES!!!

SC276: *house explodes into flames*



He and Starjammer had done a bit more than just share a confusing kiss. Rye did not know what was expected from him.



JofY: Even if he did expect the Spanish Inquisition.



He did not understand how their relationship had changed after what had happened.



JofY: He didn’t want to mess up the social link he had.



At that moment, Rye wanted to run away, not wanting to face the consequences or the changes that were sure to happen, but he found himself continuing towards Starjammer, as if drawn forward by some powerful invisible force.



SC276: Is this guy even capable of walking under his own power anymore with how much he’s been pulled around in the last three or so chapters alone?



“Can’t sleep?” Rye asked in a low voice, his ears perking as he heard the creaking of the ships around him.



“Woe Betide had a nightmare,” Starjammer replied in a rather put out voice, “and I was tossed from Bloody Velvet’s warm bed.”



JofY: Where’s your own?

SC276: Yeah, I’m not sure what that has to do with anything.



Standing there, Rye marveled at the sound of Starjammer’s voice. It wasn’t often that he said much. Starjammer sounded a bit tipsy, a bit angry, a bit sad, he sounded as though he was going to be a drunken mess soon enough.



“Can’t be mad at Woe.” Starjammer shook his head,



SC276: [Starjammer] “I’ve tried, but then she went off on some technobabble that actually managed to confuse me.”



his mane clinging to his cheeks, and then he took a long pull from the bottle of whiskey he was holding.



JofY: RUN! He’s going to try and become your wife!



“Or Velvet for that matter.”



SC276: [Starjammer] “Luckily I was disqualified from her experiment because I’ve already been mind-controlled.”



After scooting a little closer, Rye Mash sat down beside Starjammer, still not understanding their relationship, if they were friends, or how he should act.



JofY: He forgot his role as a clown in this scene.



He watched Starjammer take another drink and Rye felt a stabbing sensation inside of his skull. He planned to stick with tea from here on out.



SC276: WE ALREADY KNEW THAT, MOVE ON ALREADY!



“What did Princess Celestia talk to you about?” Rye asked, overcome by his own curiousity.



SC276: How did you miss that, author…?



He watched as Starjammer took another drink. He sat there, waiting for a reply, listening to the sounds of the faint crackle of the storm contained inside of the gasbag overhead. Soft ticking, the creaking of wood, and the wet slap of ocean waves down below. The salty smell of the ocean clung to his nostrils. The sharp smell of the whiskey filled Rye with a sense of regret. Rye’s senses were almost overwhelmed by everything.



JofY: You know, I don’t think text can be a pre-rendered cutscene.

SC276: Guy’s not much for quick answers, is he.



Starjammer said nothing and Rye felt both annoyed and worried. “Is it so hard to talk to me?” He reached out his hoof and prodded Starjammer in the side. “I don’t get you, sometimes. Why can’t you just talk to me?”



SC276: Because merely existing in this universe is pain?



“It’s so hard to know what to say, sometimes,” Starjammer replied. The unicorn took another pull on his whiskey bottle, belched, grimaced, and then turned his head to look Rye in the eye. “Princess Celestia and I talked for a while.



JofY: [Rye] “You slut!”



Idle chit chat. She talked, I listened. Then we talked about you. She wanted to know what sort of pony I thought you were. I told her that you are a capable, clever, cunning, cutthroat killer… it’s the cutie mark, Rye… there is only so much a pony can do with two pistols as a cutie mark.”



JofY: Yeah, there sure isn’t much that anyone could do with two guns. *cough*Revolver*cough*Ocelot*cough* …[Racist Moment: 4]

SC276: OK, he’s killed… what, five people? Still less kills than Spyglass would’ve needed to score to get the fearsome reputation he had at the start of the story.



Stunned, Rye sat there, blinking, shocked that Starjammer had said so much.



SC276: You asked him a question and he’s answering! Gheeze, man.



“She wanted her student safe… that’s what it all comes down to,” Starjammer continued, closing his eyes, and swaying from side to side. “She was worried if any of us might do something untoward with her student.”



JofY: Like touch her, try to make her ‘happy’, or say: “Hi.”

SC276: Given previous patterns, if anything untowards happens, she’s going to start it when she sees Rye.



“I see.” Rye watched as Starjammer’s eyes opened.



“I require a very specific type,”



JofY: [Rye] “No! Not you too!”

SC276: ~Never never never gonna speed again...~



Starjammer said, his voice somewhat slurred. “I am the proverbial damsel in distress.



JofY: Yes, the leader needs to be saved...



I am very feminine.



JofY: ...I was joking?



Ever since I was very, very small, I have wanted to be a filly.



JofY: Just so others don’t start bringing weapons directly to me: None of my jokes are meant to imply in any way that being transgender, transexual, or any other type of thing is itself bad. My aim is towards the fic and its characters. Not to sexual identities.



I’m in the wrong body, you see.



JofY: [Starjammer] “I’m actually supposed to be Brawny Man.”



I require a very specific type.”



JofY: Female, 276 pounds, type B- blood, 3’ 4”, can lift around 83 pounds, born somewhere north, works as a Starfleet commander...

SC276: Judging from auxiliary info, I… think this may be the stupid thing? I’m not sure. Same as JofY, I have no issues with any type of identity - just that given this author thinks that a universe where every marriage has to be made drunk is OK, someone that’s freakin’ transgender is not going to come out of this fine.



Starjammer took another long drink from the bottle, belched again, and wiped his muzzle with his foreleg.



JofY: Just in case you were doubtful on how feminine he was.



Rye Mash wondered what sort of hangover Starjammer was going to have.



SC276: Probably the painful sort.



“I like Bloody Velvet because she is very masculine. She takes charge. She is very domineering and commanding and she puts me in my place.



JofY: 5.0634 N. 30.1942 W.



I can relax my guard a little bit and be myself and I can be pretty.” Starjammer paused, blinking, batting his eyelashes. “I can be the damsel in distress and Bloody Velvet will oblige me. She knows what to do with damsels in distress.



JofY: [Rye] “*starts quickly inching away*”



She paddles them, she spanks them, and she punishes them for being weak willed spineless silly fillies… and I like it.”

SC276: I thought you were gay. Maybe you’re bi, I can live with that, I think we did that with your counterpart. The issue is that you seem to associate gayness with transsexuality…? I’ve seen arguments that it’s OK for someone to be trans just because, and I can’t argue with that, but it’s a sensitive subject right now and the author can’t even write cis characters.



Shocked, Rye tried not to imagine what Starjammer was describing, but it was too late.



JofY: Grandma! Why!?



He had a vivid mental image of Bloody Velvet working Starjammer over, dominating him, cowing him, and berating him for being an effeminate milksop. He also had a disturbing mental image of Starjammer enjoying it.



JofY: ...Am I going to have to create a separate sexsim counter?



“You rescued Woe Betide… you rescued a damsel in distress.



JofY: Unfortunately, Peach was in another castle.



You didn’t have to do it, I even encouraged you to walk away from the whole mess. But you did it. You rescued a filly in distress and you were the perfect gentlepony about it.” Starjammer shook his head and set his whiskey bottle down on the deck in front of him. “That’s not how you rescue a damsel, Rye… you are supposed to rescue a damsel and then rut them silly… that’s the fantasy.



JofY: How could you not have a massive orgy!? Shame on you!

SC276: I think everyone that argues that Peach objectifies women is going to be angry as fuck with this author. Also the opponents, because it’s this author.



You rescued Mousy too. Another damsel. You, you’re the damsel rescuing type, and me, I’m a damsel.



JofY: Has he ever been captured?

SC276: Well he’s in this fic...



I’m the bad little filly that can’t stay out of trouble and wants to be foalnapped, because I want the bad guy to do bad things to me and then I want my rescuer to do even worse things to me. I can only cum when I’m held down and roughed up.”

JofY: [Rye] “WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!?”

SC276: [Rye] “I mean, it’s hot as hell, but still!” Also, so this guy’s into being dominated, feminized, and possibly humiliated by masculine-feeling partners. ...I don’t have a problem with that. But I don’t want to hear about it coming from this author, who apparently thinks the only hole for the insertion of the penis is the ass of a child.



“And now, I am going off to rescue another damsel,” Rye said.



Starjammer nodded, lifted up his bottle of whiskey, and then chugged down the rest of the contents. He blinked a few times at Rye, giving the unicorn beside him a drunken stare, and then leaned closer to Rye. “You make me feel like a dirty, dirty mare.



JofY: Even if he’s taking a bath.

SC276: How long before he gets hitched?



You make me wish that I had mare parts for you to stretch out and abuse.” Starjammer let out a sour smelling belch right in Rye’s face, hiccuped once, gave Rye one very sloppy, slobbery, loose lipped drunken kiss, pulled away, rose, and then Starjammer sauntered away, leaving behind one very flustered Rye.



JofY: [Rye] “Starjammer-sempi…”

SC276: There is no way that was one breath.



“Starjammer, wait,” Rye said as his friend walked away. “You could come to bed with Mousy and I if you don’t want to be alone. I don’t think she’d mind.”



JofY: He’s finally trying to start a harem!



“Nope,” Starjammer replied, shaking his head. “You’d try to shag me gently, out of pity, and that’d ruin our relationship. I’d ruin our relationship. I get angry when I can’t cum.”

JofY: Ehhh… I think there are people who have that problem.

SC276: Dude, what you need is a relationship where both sides understand it’s purely about the sex and satisfying each other in a way you’re both comfortable. But given this author insists of everything being the same, that’s not what’s going to happen.



Not knowing how to reply, Rye watched as Starjammer disappeared belowdecks, leaving him all alone with nothing but the stars for company.



JofY: Finally glad to be unjammed.

SC276: So, who’s going to be best man at the wedding?



Shivering, confused, Rye decided to go back to bed, even if it meant waking up Mousy to get his blanket back.



“I’m sorry,” Mousy whispered into Rye’s ear as she snuggled up beside him. “But you know, if you had just cuddled with me when we got into bed, I might not have stole your blanket.”



JofY: [Rye] “Like I would want to be close to you!... Baka.”



Some of Rye’s shivers became quivers as Mousy moved against him.



SC276: Being a chaste hardass does not become you, buddy.



She was touching, him, rubbing him with her legs, he could feel the heat of her belly against his hip and his thigh. He could feel other things too.



JofY: His gun, the TV, some cold medicine, and a MassageMaster™.

SC276: The screams of the readers...



Soft things that were quite warm against his cold flesh. He thought about Starjammer, feeling confused, not knowing how to react to everything he had just heard.



JofY: If only the director gave him some direction!

SC276: You didn’t think to think about it while on your way back down?



He felt confused, overwhelmed, his mind was full of far too many thoughts to deal with.



SC276: That’s your brain struggling to realize that this universe is crap.



He snuggled up a bit closer to Mousy beneath the blanket that they both now shared, glad to have another pony in his bed with him, even if the bed was too narrow and space was cramped.



JofY: Living efficiency!



He could feel her breathing, he could feel her body moving against him. While it was just a little arousing, it was more comforting than anything else.



“Is something wrong?” Mousy asked.



SC276: You need to ask?



“Yeah,” Rye replied, breathing out the word.



“Up for a little pillow talk?” Mousy slid her hoof down Rye’s barrel and over his stomach,



SC276: Then she picked him up and threw him like a gorilla.



coming to stop over his navel.



“This whole thing with Princess Celestia has me scared.



JofY: What? A leader of an empire goes to your group with an important mission, before falling unconscious due to some unknown illness?

SC276: Certainly the least stressful of all possible situations!



Starjammer just gave me an earful.



JofY: Oh. He’s the one taking all the ears.



I just found out something horrible about my friend, Velvet.”



JofY: She’s a dominatrix.

SC276: What, exactly, is that again? Seriously, she saved you from Nightmare Moon’s leaking power, and all I remember her telling you is that you can’t handle it.



Rye paused for a moment as Mousy’s hoof traced a circle over his stomach, causing tingles to rush up and down his spine.



JofY: I wonder what happens if she traces an octagon...



“There is a lot going on.”



SC276: I’d like to know what the kangaroo’s doing right now.



“It’s exciting… I get to have an adventure… this is going to be great.” Mousy took a deep breath, sighed, and then nuzzled her muzzle along Rye’s neck. “I like this… just this. This is nice.”



SC276: I’m loving that Fumble already split from this plot forever ago.



Rye had to admit, this was nice. The feeling of somepony close. A warm body in the bed. He could get used to this. “Mousy, about us… where does Starjammer fit in with us?” He heard Mousy inhale and he felt her barrel swelling beside him.



SC276: It’s called a “chest,” author.



“I’m a selfish little bint, I am. If I ever catch you with another mare and I don’t know about it, I’ll geld ya while you’re sleeping.”



JofY: She’s turning Scottish!

SC276: One, I can’t believe “bint” is an actual word. Two, at what point did you learn that Starjammer is transgender? Three, that doesn’t actually answer his question.



Mousy continued to nuzzle Rye’s neck as she spoke. “Now, with Starjammer, that’s different. I don’t mind sharing you with him. Or maybe even another mare, if I like her enough. Just don’t ever try to hide it. Don’t be a bastard about it and I won’t go off and cheat on you.”



SC276: ...See, this is why we need to better indicate where the paragraph continues, because now I look like a complete moron.



“That seems fair,” Rye replied. “Mousy, if you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit uptight.”



JofY: He only has the most elite of fetishes.



“I know.” Mousy’s hoof slid lower down Rye’s belly and she giggled as Rye tensed.



SC276: Your misery brings her pleasure.



Squirming, Rye felt Mousy giving him a teasing tickle. “I have no plans to cheat on you, I’ll be honest… but Starjammer… he’s… I don’t know—”



JofY: [Rye] “He’s… flaming… No, seriously! Get the fire extinguisher! We need to save the ship!”



“You like him. That’s fine. I like watching. You were so… rough with him. It gave me the shivers. Rough but gentle.”



SC276: How does that even work?

JofY: Now that I think about it, Rye also woke up with Starjammer and Bloody Velvet. Why isn’t he also married now to those two?



Mousy took a deep breath. “You didn’t really hurt him. I was surprised about that.



JofY: [Mousy] “I mean, I wanted you to beat me up but…”



He’s a bit of a confused sort, ain’t he?”



“He is… I like him a lot… but I can’t make sense of him. He says he wants to be a mare.



JofY: Technically, he said he wanted to be a filly.

SC276: Hey, buddy. It’s up to him- er, her to decide who knows and who doesn’t. You’re being a freakin’ jerk right now.



Why would a stallion want to be a mare?”



SC276: I don’t know, why would a pegasus with a telescope stabbed into his skull want to be a pirate?



Rye’s whole body trembled as Mousy’s fetlock slid back and forth over the soft, wrinkled flesh of his scrotum.

SC276: Bad touch, bad touch!



“I don’t know,” Mousy replied, “But you made him feel like a mare, and I suppose that’s important to him.” Mousy yawned and squeezed Rye’s leg between her thighs. “Get some sleep, Rye. We’re probably going to have a long day tomorrow…”



SC276: Every day in this fic feels like it takes forever.



Author's Note:

And things got weird...

JofY: Things were already weird.

SC276: Dude, have you looked at the last like four chapters you’ve written? I don’t know why you consider adding a trans a qualifier as weird when your cast includes a sentient kangaroo in pony world where animals like a bear are plain animals.





Chapter 32



Sable Blanc shrank in the distance as both The Whalefish and The Apogee headed inland, off to do their first task. Off in the distant mountains, where the borders of Fancy and a diamond dog kingdom were located, there was a city called Alpin, and sitting on top of the mountain above the city of Alpin, was the Château de la Roche.



JofY: And inside of that lead to a tunnel that exited out into a forest that could have you ending up in…

SC276: I’ve already forgotten why they’re going there. Also, is Fancy the diamond dog kingdom, or…?



Word had it that the castle was full of slavers who specialised in the trade of earth ponies and sometimes, pegasus ponies, with unicorns being far too much trouble to mess with.



JofY: Yeah. It’s too bad for them that the unicorns are the master race. [Racist Moment: 5]

SC276: Of course there’s fucking slavers.



At least, that is what the intelligence said.



In Château de la Roche, they would find a certain Docteur Lapin, somebody of interest.



SC276: “Somepony of interest,” ya freakin’ moron.



Princess Celestia had not made it clear who or what the doctor was, which bothered Captain Spyglass to no end.

SC276: [Celestia] “He has a hat. That’s all I got.”



As for how to get the doctor out of the castle, they were still forming a plan, and that plan involved Bloody Velvet, Starjammer, and Rye Mash committing a spree of murder and violence.



JofY: ...Or you could just ask him to meet you outside.



It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was a plan.



JofY: It’s not like they need to have any sort of target or goal or anything, it’s just if they murder a bunch he’ll appear out of thin air.

SC276: Like treasure chests in Zelda that appear when you kill all the enemies in the room. Plus it involves the death of possibly hundreds, but that’s OK because slavers do not have souls.



The doctor had information on Stella Scintilla and securing him was their top priority.

SC276: I’m sure Velvet has that speak-to-dead spell from D&D or something. Although yeah, if the guy who knows anything about the macguffin’s whereabouts is in the company of slavers, that would suggest that the slavers are part of Inky’s entourage, and isn’t that just perfect. It’s like all the enemies in a shooter being zombies.



Rye, unsettled about the whole thing, was uncomfortable with his role—he was the weakest unicorn around when compared to Starjammer and Bloody Velvet, who were titans of magic.



SC276: You’ve got higher in-fic kill counts than both of them.



Even Woe Betide was showing more magical aptitude than he was and she was a foal.



SC276: [Woe] “That is because I’m a filly prodigy, and you are a sex-obsessed gun-toting dolt with delusions of grandeur.”



He wasn’t sure what he could bring to the table in an all out assault upon a fortified location, other than shooting their enemies a whole bunch of times.



SC276: That’s what being part of a team is for, dipstick.



He hoped that what he could do would be enough.



It was one thing to fly into a storm, but it was a whole different thing entirely to fly into such an uncertain future.



JofY: And they weren’t pegasi.



Nopony quite knew what they were getting into or the horrors that awaited them.

SC276: [Celestia] “You’d think I could mind-control me up a map of the place, but noooo.”



“Try harder!” Bloody Velvet’s voice was commanding, but also held a quaver of pain.



JofY: Say fic, you want to establish where they actually are first?



Her sides spasmed and her right hind leg wouldn’t stop twitching.



JofY: No? Okay, we’ll just assume the worst.



“Woe, you need to focus! Stop slacking off!”



JofY: They’re bringing the other child into this!?



Scowling, her lips pressing together, Woe Betide squinted her eyes and



JofY: You’re really doing this!?



stared at the padlock she was trying to unlock.



JofY: Oh… Sorry.



She had the lockpicks held in her telekinesis and she struggled to get a feel for what she was doing. She could feel the tumblers moving inside. She gave the probe a little wiggle and ignored Bloody Velvet. These things took time.



JofY: 5 seconds.

SC276: [Woe] “And why isn’t Mousy the one teaching me something she’s done a hundred times again?”



Bloody Velvet’s distractions were a good thing, as Woe understood that there would be lots of distractions if she was trying to do this under fire.



Meanwhile, Oola Roo was trying to show Rye the basics for using a sword, and Rye was mimicking her movements as he held his hanger sword, gifted to him by Princess Celestia, in his telekinesis.



JofY: Thinking about it, I really can’t see how well unicorns could use swords. I mean, they have to focus directly on their sword to use it, the handle is useless, and most cutting and stabbing requires some sort of weight or force.

SC276: I read a fic where Rarity got a pair of blades made for use by a unicorn by this method. There are other things I’m questioning. Namely, why does a kangaroo with her short arms know how to use a sword, when did Celestia give him a sword, and why did Celestia insist on Rye bringing a sword to a gunfight?

JofY: SC276, I mentioned this last time. You don’t bring a gun to a swordfight.



The sword, suitable for both slashing and stabbing, was a well balanced weapon and Rye found that he quite liked it.



As Rye and Oola practiced sword fighting, both Mousy and Starjammer sat together on the deck, enjoying the sight of Rye and his fancy hoofwork.



SC276: Well the whole gang’s here, isn’t it.



Starjammer was watching with rapt interest, his eyes darting to and fro as Rye avoided Oola’s punishing attacks, and Mousy watched with a pleased smile.



“This is good fun, ain’t it?” Mousy slipped her question into Starjammer’s ear, her lips tickling him and causing his ear to twitch.



JofY: Right in front of everyone? Really?

SC276: Don’t you guys have work to do on the pirate ship?



“What’s your favourite part? Me… I like those legs of his… look at the way he moves.”



SC276: Does he move like Jagger?



“Hmm,” Starjammer replied in a thoughtful hum, “that perky, perfect plot of his.”

SC276: Someone on 4chan, I think.



“Oh sure, go right for the garden and the potatoes,”



JofY: ...Heaven forbid you go for the tomatoes… The hell?

SC276: ...I’m not getting any responses on Google. The heck is she talking about?



Mousy said as she let out a faux haughty sniff. She turned up her nose at Starjammer. “He’s more than a nice arse and a potato sack, you know.



JofY: He’s also some lettuce.

SC276: Did you honestly compare someone’s ass to a garden- oh, because garden plot. Fuck you.



He has a handsome enough face too.”



Starjammer shrugged, said nothing, but gave Mousy a lewd grin as he licked his teeth. Mousy, unable to maintain her theatrical irritation, broke down into fillyish giggling.



JofY: They’re being gassed!



“I want to look down and see that face of his between my legs.” Mousy’s perverse words were acknowledged with a loud snort from Starjammer.



JofY: Sex is hilarious.

SC276: Yeah, sure, now that you’re married and gotten it in the ass by a drunk, your perspective on sex has completely changed. And let me guess, it’s the exact same for every other married couple in the world.



Hearing laughter, Woe redoubled her efforts and moved the probe around, feeling for the little click when the tumbler moved to just the right spot.



SC276: I’ve been on Tumblr long enough that that feels misspelled.



She was rewarded with a soft, faint click as the last tumbler slid into place. She turned the mechanism and the padlock popped open.



JofY: Great! You’ve successfully opened the kind of lock I use on my suitcase.



“Say, that’s pretty good,” Bloody Velvet said to Woe as she locked the padlock. “Now do it again. And again. And then again,



JofY: Are we sure the fic isn’t corrupted in any way? It keeps repeating.

SC276: And again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again-



until you can open the thing up in seconds.



SC276: [Velvet] “GO FOR THE BEST TIME.”

[Woe] “Did someone install video games on you again?!”



Sighing, Woe Betide resigned herself to an afternoon of picking locks.



“I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve been off by yourself a fair bit.” Rye Mash looked at Skeeter, his expression one of concern, and he tried to understand his pegasus friend.



JofY: ...Who?

SC276: Oh right, this guy. He got half a Chesire in the third chapter, got rescued by Rye, and is now his bodyguard which he still totally needs at this point.

JofY: ...Wait a bodyguard? Where has he been the past two parts where Rye could have been ambushed by thugs in the street, or captured by Celestia’s guards or the like?

SC276: Presumably in narrative limbo, which is where I wish I’ve been when these stories come up.



“Are you alright?”



“I’m fine,” Skeeter replied. The pegasus struggled to smile. His face was still healing, but was getting better every day.



SC276: So, the exact opposite of this story.



“I just… I’ve had a lot to think about. We’re doing more than I had intended. More than I had signed on for.”



SC276: Dealing with rescue bullshit and Rye Mash was not in his job description.



“The rescue?” Rye asked.



“No, everything… I… I knew things would be dangerous when I signed on. I sort of understood what I was getting myself into.



SC276: [Skeeter] “I mean, we attack ships crewed by winged creatures with sharp talons for forehooves in the middle of the sky. ‘Danger’ is kind of built in.”



But the reality of it… getting my face all messed up.” The pegasus paused and contemplated his own words. “I’m just a pegasus who likes flying fast. I just wanted to make a few bits. I wanted to see the world. This is more than I bargained for.”



SC276: You’re getting hung up about your face getting cut… twenty-nine chapters after it happened? Gheeze, ya freakin’ baby.



“You can still leave before we’re in deep trouble.” Rye looked at his friend, trying to read him, trying to understand him, trying to figure out what the pegasus wanted.



SC276: And failing miserably.



“I have no intentions of leaving. At least, not yet. You’re my friend. And that means something.



SC276: [Skeeter] “Namely, escape from the fic is impossible.”



I’m poor, Rye, but I have loyalty. That’s worth a king’s ransom.”



SC276: What does your individual wealth level have to do with the current situation?



“So it is.” Rye nodded his head. “I’m going to fix tea.



JofY: Tea really has some loose wires.

SC276: Also spade and neuter it.



You should join me. Stop brooding and spend some time with me.”



SC276: [Rye] “Your turn for the social link.”



Skeeter heaved a sigh and looked at his friend. “Well, if you insist…”



Staring up at the stars,



JofY: ...It was mid-day a few paragraphs before.



Rye Mash came to the unsettling conclusion that he was going to miss these idyllic times.



JofY: He was going to miss these times of foreboding horrors, sexual crises, and pretentious philosophy.



In but a short time, there was going to be a whole lot of bloodshed. Part of him was excited, but a part of him worried too. He always felt bad after being violent, conflicted somehow, like something inside of him was torn apart.



JofY: Could it possibly be that violence may be wrong?

SC276: Nah, just the author trying to create unnecessary dramatic tension that doesn’t work because the story sucks.



There was too much on his mind.



JofY: Like his skull and scalp.



He kept thinking about the horrible black thing he had seen in the dream,



JofY: ...Too easy.



the violence that awaited him, and Skeeter’s seeming doubt. Skeeter had done his best to reassure him, but Rye knew that the pegasus was having some trouble going ahead. Bloody Velvet and Starjammer, they were fine with what was soon to happen. Starjammer seemed perfectly fine with killing.



JofY: *looks up not even half a chapter* ...Really?



Bloody Velvet was known as Bloody Velvet for a reason.



JofY: And man, those cakes were to die for.



Oola was along for a good time,



SC276: But she’s only gonna have a bad time- *dunk’d*



and she was looking forward to a tussle.



But Skeeter… Rye worried for his friend. Skeeter had spoke a great deal about loyalty over tea.



JofY: Loyalty under tea can suck it.

SC276: If he sucks at battle, why is he a bodyguard?!



Rye realised while sipping tea just how lucky he was to have a loyal friend.



SC276: I think this is the first time you’ve talked since, like, the beginning of the fic.



Rye worried, fretted, wondering if he could somehow keep Skeeter out of the worst of the violence. But Skeeter was assigned to be his bodyguard. This presented a bit of a dilemma for Rye, who had come to the understanding that Skeeter was not like the rest of them.



JofY: Skeeter forgot his character development.



With that realisation, Rye realised that he was no longer like Skeeter—Rye was, indeed, becoming a cold blooded murderous bastard. At some point, something inside of him had shifted, changed, and he was becoming something else. And after the big fight ahead, Rye wondered what he would become.SC276: Well, not a better character, that’s for sure.



“When I was just a little filly, I asked my mother, ‘What will I be… will I be pretty will I be rich?’ Here's what she said to me, ‘Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera, what will be, will be.’”



JofY: Wait… Repeating words, narrating dialogue, and lyrical phrasing?... Oh crap! They’re going to start singing!

SC276: ~Yar har, fiddle di dee / Being a pirate is alright with me! / Do what you like ‘cause a pirate is free / You are a pirate!~



Rye Mash’s ears perked at the sounds of Mousy’s voice. He turned and looked at her. She was standing on the deck, the wind whipping her mane and her tail off to one side, looking at him with wide eyes filled with mirth and laughter.



“Hello, Rye.”



“Hey, Mousy… I was just out here thinking.”



“It’s past midnight, Rye.



JofY: [Mousy] “Don’t you know not to think after midnight!?”

SC276: That’d honestly be a better story.



Most ponies have gone to bed. I was thinking about turning in myself. But the bed is empty.” Mousy sashayed forwards, almost mimicking Starjammer’s own hip swaying sashay. She came over to Rye’s side and came to a halt, standing beside him.



SC276: Why do we have to be subjected to this scene?



“I was just out here, thinking,” Rye said to Mousy.



SC276: You already said that! Move on already!



“You know, a heavy burden is easier when two carry it.” Mousy turned her head and looked at Rye, who was a fair bit taller than her, but she was stockier than him by far. “I’m an earth pony… I don’t mind something a little heavy on my back.”



JofY: Wait, you mean, there could be a benefit to being an Earth Pony?



Hearing Mousy’s words, Rye flushed, feeling hot and flustered.



SC276: I think his brain’s starting to overclock.



“You know, you can share your problems with me, Rye.” Mousy blinked and a powerful gust of wind tugged upon her ears. “You can tell me anything, anything at all. I’ve decided to be as open minded as possible with all things concerning you.



SC276: [Mousy] “It’s pretty much the only way to not go completely insane.”

JofY: [Mousy] “Just tell me your fetish!”



Sharing you with Starjammer has already worked out for the best… I now have a wonderful friend that I am starting to adore a great deal.”



Now, Rye felt even more hot and flustered and the chilly breeze did nothing. He looked off at the stars. “I’m worried that there is going to be lots of killing.



JofY: “Hey guys, let’s kill to get to this one dude. *later* I think killing will happen.” Gee. I wonder what’s making you think that Rye.

SC276: Sucker’s. Bet.



I’m worried about what it will do to me. Every time I kill something, or somepony, it gets a little easier and I kinda get in a funk afterwards. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m changing, and I’m not sure if it is for the better.”



JofY: Well, we all change in unexpected ways as we grow older.

SC276: Can you change into a better story?



“Hmm,” Mousy hummed. “Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera, what will be, will be.”



“What does that even mean, anyway?” Rye asked.



“I have no idea, but it’s pretty,” Mousy replied.



JofY: [Rye] “So, I have legitimate concerns about my future and sanity, and you prattle off some nonsense you don’t even know?”



“I think the future just sort of happens. I don’t know if we can change it.



JofY: Technically, unless one has the ability to go back in time, or can see reliable visions of the future, the future isn’t something that has definite value i.e. something that can be changed.

SC276: I means I can rewatch “It’s About Time,” and I’ll have a better time getting the same lesson.



Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. You’re probably going to shoot a lot of things that deserve it.



JofY: You mean beings?



You might shoot something that doesn’t deserve it.



JofY: Why aren’t you calling the ones that you are going to shoot beings!? Is it that they’re only going to shoot non-sentient objects? You know what, [Racist Moment: 6]. I’ll retract it if they only ever shoot non-living things, but if they do, then this counts!

SC276: Wouldn’t it be freakin’ hilarious if he shot the person they’re going to extract?



Things are going to happen. We can’t stop them, we can only be patient and wait them out as they happen.”



“I think I’m afraid of changing.”



JofY: Didn’t we already have this scene?

SC276: Probably, I’ve already forgotten most of the details.



Rye felt Mousy press up against his side and she shivered against him. As the night continued, the air grew colder.



SC276: It was already past midnight when this scene started. How much colder could it get?



“Change happens.” Mousy leaned her head against Rye’s neck, just below his jaw. He was warm.



JofY: Well, at least the space heater is working.



He smelled of gunpowder, oil, leather, and fragrant tea. It was a smell that Mousy was starting to associate with safety, comfort, and sexual attraction.



JofY: Though, not with respect to the previous list.

SC276: So now we’re from Mousy’s POV even though the entire fic so far was from Rye’s.



She tucked her tail down between her legs to protect herself from the wind—the sudden dampness she had made the wind that much colder when it tickled her nether regions.



JofY: Hey, did someone order all of these horns?



Right now, she could only think about one way to get warm.



SC276: Three bucks says it’s not just cuddling.



“But is it a change for the better?”



SC276: ~Who can say if I have changed for the better…?~



Rye shook his head, inhaled, and filled his lungs with cold night air. Overhead, the stars twinkled and off to the south, the night sky was purple from the light of a distant city.



JofY: I didn’t think flames could be that bright. Or are you saying that Diamond Dogs know how to use electricity?



“See, now that you’re here, it makes things more difficult.



JofY: [Rye] “Do we really need to go shoe shopping when we’re under fire?”



I want to be a good husband. I want to do things right.”



SC276: So why didn’t you quit being a pirate?!



“Just be good to me, Rye, and everypony else can feck off. I understand that you are a pirate—”



“Privateer,” Rye corrected.



“—and with being a pirate,



JofY: Even the fic will admit that yes, Rye is a pirate.

SC276: ~We’ve got us a map (a map!)...~



you are bound to do some questionable, despicable acts. And I say, do them.



JofY: What’s this law you speak of?



Just do them to the right ponies…. griffons… minotaurs… whoever. I don’t care.



JofY: Yeah, uh, since you actually did miss it, RYE IS AFRAID OF KILLING THE WRONG ONES! I’m sorry for using caps but, my god! Take a hint!



Just help the innocent, protect those that can’t protect themselves, and I don’t care who you kill or what sort of bloodbath you cause.



JofY: ...So, kill everyone so no one can die?

SC276: Fight, Mega Man, for everlasting peace!



A wife must be understanding when she marries a pirate and she can’t afford to be picky,



JofY: Can’t be picky? You get a husband at random the first time you get drunk! You don’t get to pick.

SC276: Actually, she got picked at random when the husband gets drunk, because god forbid ladies drink alcohol.



just so long as the bills are paid and there is food to eat.”



SC276: What bills? They’re pirates!



“We don’t have bills.”



SC276: Stop repeating me!

JofY: ...Stop repeating me!



“You know what I mean.”



“I’m worried that killing will leave me cold—”



SC276: -dead on the hard cold ground? Or something?



“Well then, I shall have to keep you warm and make you care about things.”



“I don’t think it will be that easy.” Rye shook his head.



SC276: That’s what happens when you try to undo thirty-two chapters of suck.



“Well then, it is up to me to make sure my feminine wiles are up for the job.”



JofY: ...So, all he’s going to care about is getting laid?... I don’t see any unintended side effects.

SC276: I get the idea that she’s going to serve as a morality pet - maybe morality chain depending on how severe it is - but the way it’s presented is almost insulting.



An unwilling smile broke over Rye’s muzzle like an ocean wave over a rock. He felt a warm, fuzzy feeling of affection for the earth pony beside him. Somehow, she had made him feel better.



SC276: That’s what pep talks are supposed to, buddy.



The trouble ahead no longer was quite so worrisome.



SC276: You, your girl, the trans, and the robot survive long enough to have children, which we know because the author blabbed the heckie out of it apparently. The only reason we have to worry is whether or not you die as soon as possible after you have kids.

JofY: Hey, don’t use the term robot. We barely know Skeeter.

SC276: ...Moving on.



He felt calmer. More leveled out. He felt sleepy, and he felt as though his mind would be quiet enough for him to sleep.



“Come, little mare. Let us go to bed.”



Author's Note:

I'm going to try and get out new chapters on Saturdays.

JofY: And this, has been The Catch, Part Six. And, I kind of like it. Yeah, it’s starting to become a guilty pleasure for me. I mean, seriously, I’m convinced right now that Kudzu is actually one of the Wachowski’s horny sons with how philosophical and repetitive everything is. Hell, I’m not even mad about elements like Starjammer being trans or any of the other fetishes the rest of the ship is into. Besides, I’m not here to get angry over some shmo’s attempts at preaching their views of the world. I’m here to mock them. Wadda bout the rest of you?

SC276: Well I suppose I don’t have as much outright outrage to say about this bunch of chapters - not compared to the rushed nonsense last bit. I mean, comparing marriage to claiming land without mentioning harems at least was crap… and the apparent association between being non-normative in gender and/or sexual orientation and apparently a feminization fetish was misguided, I don’t even know… and claiming that Earth ponies are barely worth the dirt they’re named for even in a mostly airborne setting was stupid… Oh yeah, and according to Ring, the whole scene with Nightmare Moon was actually a test for Velvet to see if she could wield the Element of Magic. Even though before the start of the series, there’s no evidence anyone knew the Element of Magic even existed. I missed that in the riff itself because I couldn’t possibly care less. And that’s on top of the fact that Princess Celestia used mind-projection or whatever it was but most certainly involuntary on a bystander - a bystander that she needs and actually came to this port specifically for - and almost got his soul eaten or whatever by Nightmare Moon, just to test this girl who may or may not have even noticed whatever astral realm that was. If literally anything went wrong, he would be dead and her student would be SOL. I came up with that interpretation of Celestia as a joke, but I may have been surprisingly accurate - she literally does not give a shit about anything.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Fallen has company over and I need to get back to the GW2 beta, so I’ll just make this quick: The winner of the poll is a terrible 9K-word fic about Rainbow Dash and a self-insert human having feelings for each other. It’s what you guys voted for for… some reason. Without further ado, “An Evening With A Pegasus” by Naviskypegasus.

Crazy56U: Damn it, guys, the obvious choice was staring you in the face, and you pick this anyway?! Seriously! “Trixieverse”! C’mon! I did NOT vote for pony-on-human action! ...I seriously just typed that!

JofY: Oh, come on Crazy. This is classic schlock. Besides, we’ve been doing so many action/adventure type stories that, it’s time to shake things up.

Crazy56U: That is not an excuse, that is never an excuse!

CaptainPipsqueak; Oh shush; there’s always next week.

ToonGuy: And we’re off to a great start already! *pulls out large piece of balsa wood* Just for anyone who wants to headbutt something out of anger.

MrSing: Human on pony action is part of the ancient tradition of riffing. I said ancient, not proud.

SC276: As long as it doesn’t include Slenderman again, I’ll be fine.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Slenderman] “Hey; fuck you too, buddy!”

JofY: Oi! If we were to do another fic that included Slenderman, then we’d start to be the ones who don’t riff MLP fics, but Slenderman fics. We need some variety here!

Mononeko: All right, first riff Let’s rip this thing apart...



Chapter One: A Pegasus In Trouble



JofY: And prepare to make it double!

Scarlet: To protect the world from- what, we aren’t doing the full bit this time? Awww…

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s gambling debts have caught up to her big time.

ToonGuy: She was being chased by pegasi with baseball bats.

SC276: Huzzah! How many points have I received?!



Author's Note:

This is the first story I wrote that marks the beginning of my Human X Rainbow Dash Fan Fiction lure.



Crazy56U: You made this story as a lure? ...that’s not how that works!

ToonGuy: Perhaps it’s meant to indicate that it’s a sting operation by the Moral Decency Police.

SC276: Great, you’re planning more?

MrSing: I think fish are more interested in the action comedy genre.

Scarlet: Yeah, the Deep Ones are often known for their love of Jackie Chan films.



Taking place three weeks before my one shot.



JofY: This, is a two shot.

Crazy56U: Oh, great, it’s bad enough we’re doing this, we’re doing this out of order as well! We’re going to be so lost!

Mononeko: Oh, don’t act like you’re interested in the plot anyway.

ToonGuy: I have a GOOD feeling about today.

MrSing: It’s always a good sign when the author doesn’t know the meaning of words. It means he can’t read our jokes and get mad.



Pegasi In The Sky



CaptainPipsqueak: As opposed to underwater. Which is good, because pegasi can’t swim worth shit.

MrSing: I can go twice as high. Take a pic, it’s in a fic. The riffing rainbow.

Scarlet: ~Weeeee will read anything~

CaptainPipsqueak: ~And then regret/the goal we set/Riffing Rainbow~

SC276: With diamonds?



story. And five weeks before the Dash's Day story.



Crazy56U: “And about ten days after my bout of diarrhea. Remarkably, I got a lot of

writing done during it!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Once all the shit was out of me, I put it in my story!”

ToonGuy: Considering the nature of this story, that brings up terrible images.

SC276: Tell me this guy at least has a journal giving an objective timeline, otherwise I’m not sure why he bothered.

Mononeko: I think you’re giving this guy too much credit.



Please excuse all the overuses of words/over explanations, as I was just learning at the time. (and still are)



JofY: At least he admits it.

Scarlet: “I are still learning.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It am difficult, but me doing my bestest.”

Crazy56U: You clearly need to go back to school, then. Taking more time to learn is

not a bad thing here.



I would fix it but I wanted to keep my original idea intact.



JofY: That’s no reason for bad grammar.

Crazy56U: “Also, I can’t be bothered, fuck you.”

ToonGuy: Isn’t that a bit like a builder keeping a really shit house up that could kill someone because it was his first go?

SC276: A perverted sentimentality.

MrSing: Rule one of being a great writer: burn and hide your old shame. That one’s for free, kid.



When I first uploaded this story all the way back in August 2014



Crazy56U: Oh, great, another reason to hate 2014.

MrSing: Ancient and barbaric times.

Scarlet: When mammoths walked the earth, and “Selfie” got radio play.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, and...and...did anything of note take place in 2014?

Crazy56U: Well, there was the tragic murdering of “How I Met Your Mother” on March 31st...



I've since fixed (a lot) of grimmer mistakes to make it readable.



Mononeko: But I kept the lighthearted ones.

CaptainPipsqueak: He tells us he’s taken care of grammar errors while misspelling grammar. Oh God; this is gold.

Crazy56U: Well, at least he made the story more light-hearted...



Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading my first work, NSH.



JofY: Uh...

Crazy56U: This isn’t called “NSH”, Author. Did you seriously forget which story you

are writing?!

ToonGuy: Would not surprise me in the least.



It Has Been



MrSing: So how is that fixing a lot of “grimmer” mistakes working out for you?

Scarlet: I feel bad for complaining about the editors last time we riffed Pen Stroke.

Crazy56U: The More You Know

CaptainPipsqueak: ...The Less You Wish You Had.

SC276: ~-one week since you looked at me...~



about two months now since Rainbow Dash had found out that she could open portals to my world.



JofY: And yet, she still hasn’t replied to any of my texts.

Crazy56U: Insert Double Rainboom joke here.

SC276: Well that’s freakin’ convenient.

MrSing: “Oops, just teared a hole between dimension. I guess I can do that now.”

Scarlet: Let’s try it! *leaps through a glowing portal*

Crazy56U: ...bye!

CaptainPipsqueak: [GLADoS] “Oh goody; more test subjects! Let’s do science.”



“I still can't believe it every time she visits me.”



CaptainPipsqueak: “It takes me half an hour to clean up the mess she leaves.”

Crazy56U: And this part of narration is in quote because… the Narrator is talking to… ...himself?

Mononeko: Considering the story we’re in, this is probably true.

CaptainPipsqueak: This guy considers quotes to be… well I’m not sure what he thinks of them, only that they should be used liberally. Quotations are the new comma.

SC276: Maybe it’s something like the narrator in Bastion.



She'd always liked to hang out at my house for a few hours two or three times a week, as It was far too dangerous for us to do anything out of the house



Crazy56U: “Some old guy kept offering us a sword to do so, though. ...don’t really trust that guy…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Did he say anything about it being dangerous to go alone?

MrSing: The protagonist and the cops aren’t, shall we say, on the best of terms.

CaptainPisqueak: Well, at least the cops and us are on the same wavelength.

JofY: Uhh.... At best, they have the same frequency.

CaptainPipsqueak: Potahto, potayto...



seeing as how no one other than me I had seen a Pony like her before.



Waterpear: Dangerous? Is this one of those fics where humans are all “I AM MANDOR! MANDOR SEE COLORFUL PONY. MANDOR MURDER!”?

Crazy56U: ...I’m starting to think that this story isn’t actually happening and the

Narrator is crazy...

CaptainPipsqueak: You should know by now that these are actually written - you’ve done more than your share.

ToonGuy: You think those kind of guys have their own special club?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. It’s called Fanfiction.net.

SC276: Not a very exclusive club, is it.

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Special’ and ‘exclusive’ are not conflicting terms. AO3 is catching up as well.



As we grew closer as friends over the weeks,



Crazy56U: I’d like to think that drugs were involved… just because.

CaptainPipsqueak: I can see how that would speed the process, yes.

MrSing: Most people need drugs to become friends with talking blue horses.

Scarlet: *emerges from glowing portal* Not me, though! I just don’t make friends.

CaptainPipsqueak: [GLAdoS] “That really hurts me in my heart, you know.”



Dash ended up spending pretty much all day relaxing or watching some Indiana Jones films of which she loved to compare to her beloved Daring Do books.



Scarlet: “It’s the same thing but with more screaming women in the second film!”

Crazy56U: And there’s a disappointing lack of Shia LaBeouf in Daring Do…

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Disappointing lack’ and ‘Shia LaBeouf’ do not go together like that.

MrSing: The ponies are really missing out on never having had nazies. The movies just aren’t the same without them.



The time zones used to so different between our worlds,



Crazy56U: (picks up a “be” from the ground) Hey, did anyone drop this?



but now their time passes at almost the same as ours give or take a few hours.



Crazy56U: Is it because Equestria doesn’t believe in Daylight Savings Time?

CaptainPipsqueak: I can see the reasoning behind that, being as their royalty control the day and night.

SC276: When Apocalymon appeared, the time between your world and our world became synchronized.

MrSing: The daylight saving times became crazy inconvenient.

Scarlet: Skype Dn’D sessions became much easier to set up!



In a lot of ways it feels like our two worlds are becoming one amazing reality.



JofY: In fact, they are planning to start this new thing that will change humans into ponies to help with this merge. So far, things look promising.

ToonGuy: Apparently they’re looking to go global! So that’s a plus.

Crazy56U: Eh, I don’t know, this one crazy chick on the Internet is a wee bit too into the idea, if you catch my drift.

CaptainPipsqueak: Eh; there’s always one...

MrSing: Just cram the realities together into one big colorful rainbow mush.



Twilight Sparkle along with various other researchers in Equestria had found easier ways to would cross



Crazy56U: Yes, yes, would cross, but should cross? That’s the real question.

SC276: Would cross could cross should cross lying in the sun...

MrSing: How much cross would a would cross cross if a would cross would cross would?

JofY: 7.

CaptainPisqueak: My calculations suggest twelve.



from studying Rainbow Dash's amazing abilities over this short time, but soon world crossing became regulated.



JofY: Curse you, bureaucracy!!!

Crazy56U: The process to get a world-crossing visa is so bullshit, let me tell ya. Makes a trip to the DMV look like a trip to 7-11...

CaptainPipsqueak: Is it true that you actually have to post your entire itinerary before they clear you?

Crazy56U: Not just your itinerary, let me tell you. Jesus Christ, the amount of shit you need to provide is just… wow…

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh Jesus...They don’t still...probe you, do they?

Crazy56U: (uncomfortably shifts in seat) ...yep...

Mononeko: Yep, haven’t been able to walk straight for days…

CaptainPipsqueak: The trip back is even worse. Hooves. ‘nuff said.

SC276: You gotta shove it up your ass, Morty!



On the rare occasion when her friends did show up with her, it was really only to collect “field research”



JofY: Other than the fields, there wasn’t anything actually different. Just the fields.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...but there were a lot of fields, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, it was basically “Reverse ‘Pokemon Snap’”.

Scarlet: “Field Research”. Is that what kids are calling it these days?



as Twilight called it when she would borrow various gaming magazines and books from me to read and return on hers or Dashes next trip.



CaptanPipsqueak: Ten bucks says Twilight gets into ‘League of Legends.’

Crazy56U: (scoff) Please, Twilight would be more into WOW. Pinkie, on the other

hand, she’d be into LOL.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but in her case it would mostly be because of the acronym. Fluttershy plays Diablo III. I call it.

Crazy56U: Nah, my money’s on Club Penguin. Because.

CaptainPipsqueak: It has to be something violent. Otherwise the joke is ruined.

Crazy56U: Heh, you think Club Penguin isn’t violent… ...you fool…

ToonGuy: Rarity would definitely be into Minecraft. All the fabulous jewels.

SC276: So she’d kill for pearls?

Mononeko: Do you think Lyra would play The Sims?



I think it was Twilight that spearheaded this, inter-dimensional research program.



JofY: Inter-dimensional research program NO!

Crazy56U: It was going to be called “Project: Sliders”, but Twilight faced a copyright

infringement thing over it.

Scarlet: We defaulted on “Stargate” as well.

CaptainPipsqueak: Have you considered “Wormhole X-treme!”?



But don't quote me that.



CaptainPipsqueak: Okay.

Waterpear: “Don’t quote me on that.” ~ some guy who dated bluefast

Crazy56U: (writing in notebook) Yeah, uh huh, don’t quote, got it…

JofY: Anything you say, can and will be used against you...

SC276: Aren’t we in quotation marks right now?

CaptainPipsqueak: Have we reached our quote-a yet?



You sure couldn't make up this stuff about about realities and dimensions,



MrSing: I’ll bet you ten bucks the author had a insufferable smirk on their face when they wrote that line.



It always made my head hurt trying to understand it, but I guess reality will always be stranger than fiction.



Crazy56U: The only good thing about reality, really, is spaghetti. Spaghetti is

important.

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah. Lasagna all the way.

Crazy56U: Shut up, Garfield, why don’t you go back to your buddy, Bill Murray, and make another terrible live action movie... ...sorry, I just felt like ragging on the Garfield movie...

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, cannelloni is good, too.

SC276: Um, all this seems really clear-cut to me. Also, given I’ve got a canon that revolves entirely around dimensional travel, I have, thank you very much.



I had been watching one of those Red Bull air races on TV that evening,



Crazy56U: Author, product placement is a sin. (takes a swig of Diet Coke) Shame.

JofY: Damn it! I thought I had Adblock on!

Crazy56U: No, you do, it’s just that the Author found a way to bypass it. He’s that

much of an ass. (takes another swig of Diet Coke)

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah! What bullshit is this? (takes a handful of Jelly Belly)

ToonGuy: Damn, this stuff is good. *Grabs the Walmart bag and pulls out Sunny D.*

SC276: Insert line from that GIFset from that movie here. (pulls out a Nintendo 3DS)

Scarlet: Sure would be great for people to read The Fumble, now endorsed by absolutely no major corporation!

MrSing: Woah, where did all this money come from?



thinking that the pilots flying as fast as they did in those planes were the closest thing a human like me could get to being a real Wonderbolt.



CaptainPipsqueak: Why are they using planes? Red Bull gives you wings, doesn’t it?

Crazy56U: Please, that’s a myth.

CaptainPipsqueak: Really? Because I can just imagine them tooling around and making jet noises.

Scarlet: The drug references in this story are started to add up. This guy is just stupid high.

Mononeko: I think he’s either stupid or high.

CaptainPipsqueak: The two aren’t mutually exclusive.



I always liked aviation glowing up,



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, he likes his planes what shine in the darkness.

Crazy56U: Radioactive Planes: The Future Is Now!



to this day I still have a model jet fighter on one of the bookcases in my room along with a photo of Spitfire posing with Rainbow Dash that the Pegasus had giving me a few weeks after we first met.



Crazy56U: Or, in other words, you stole it.

Scarlet: I prefer to think of it as ‘borrowing for life’.

Mononeko: [Someone who enters his room] “Ummm, why do you have a photo of a blue horse?”



That’s probably why I admired the Pegasi so much.



MrSing: He was always a sucker for posing.



They were living my dream of flying with complete freedom like they did with those powerful wings of theirs.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Also, Rainbow Dash has an incredible ass. Don’t tell her I said so.”

Crazy56U: ...I feel uncomfortable now…

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, that’s where things are headed. Don’t fool yourself.

ToonGuy: I’ve already got myself some Brain Bleach just for the occasion.

JofY: Oh… That wasn’t supposed to go down the drain?

MrSing: Oh please, have you ever even seen a Segway? If humans had wings they would be too lazy to fly.



They'd just announced the winner with the fastest time when all of a sudden, I saw a bright whitish/blue light flash throughout the house



Crazy56U: “And then a- wait, is that a flying DeLorean?!”

Scarlet: *makes TARDIS noises*

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t wreck your throat now.

SC276: Well it’s not one of mine. Those are all blue.

MrSing: Plot twist. This story takes place in Hiroshima.



and a loud “BANG” a little less loader then a gunshot rang out.



JofY: EVERYONE! GET DOWN!

CaptainPipsqueak: It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly a shot rang out!

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Insert topical joke here about gun violence.

MrSing: S.W.A.T. team to the rescue! And you thought I was joking when I said the police was looking for him.

Nox: You’re in my way, sir.



Then seeing as the bright light started to diminish a cyan blue Pegasi laying in the middle of my dining room floor.



Crazy56U: Annnd Rainbow’s dead. THE END

Scarlet: Cyan bl- a blue, blue pegasus? Yo listen up here’s a story about a blue pegasus in a blue room, and all day and all night-

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh dabadee.



After seeing what just happened, I quickly jumped off the couch I'd been sitting on and ran over to the distraught Pegasus.



Mononeko: “Looks like meat’s back on the menu!”

Scarlet: To finish her off and get the free EXP and item drops!

CaptainPipsqueak: Loot-whore.

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) CaptainPipsqueak would be excellent at CinemaSins.

(ding!)

CaptainPipsqueak: Is that a compliment or an insult?

SC276: Easy EXP.



“Ugh, I got to find a better way of doing this...”



JofY: [Dash] “This is the worst way of breaking and entering.”

Crazy56U: (punches table in anger) Shit…

JofY: ...Dude. Why did you punch my table?

Crazy56U: It was either the table or the wall…

ToonGuy: So does that mean it’s open season on punching JofY’s table?

JofY: If you guys keep breaking my stuff, do you know what I’ll have to do?

ToonGuy: Get a new table?

JofY: You will? Great. I like the expensive kind.

SC276: Does that “better way” including doing it outside?



said an exhausted Rainbow Dash who was laying in front of me, now putting a hoof on her aching head.



MrSing: She had left a part of her brain behind in Equestria. Again.



“What happened?” I asked helping her off the ground and back up onto hooves again adding



Crazy56U: She was playing Counter Strike with Larry the Cable Guy, what did you

think happened, you idiot?

Scarlet: Is that what it looks like when you come down from a dimensional high?



“Haven't You been talking to Twilight about how to world jump easier Dashie? “Well,”



JofY: Have you ever heard of the quotation mark overpopulation theory? Oh, by the way. Get used to quotation marks, we’ll be seeing a lot of them.

CaptainPipsqueak: Covered that already. ‘The New Comma.’

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Well, I was, but Twilight had discovered that movie ‘Jumper’ and, well... ...she got mad…”



Rainbow Dash said, starting to explain.



Scarlet: “Well, for starters, ponies and people just sort of cross the dimensional boundary all the time now, and-”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Okay, there was this thing, and then this thing happened, and meanwhile a whole lot of things occurred-”

CaptainPipsqueak: Rainbow Dash explaining things would be something along the lines of “Bad shit happened. I broke a rule. Now I’m here.”



“Since I'm not aloud to travel here for the time being,



MrSing: Like any sensible species would, we had established a “no teleporting” zone over this dweebs house.



It wouldn't really be the smartest move I could make and… “Suddenly,”



CaptainPipsqueak: “So visit here aquietly, then.”

Crazy56U: Suddenly, what? Suddenly, you jumped anyway?

SC276: Suddenly, pineapples!



I stopped her mid sentence.



Crazy56U: Oh. ...you see, I didn’t make the connection that it was part of the narration since you put it in quotes.

Scarlet: Stop! Wait a minute.



“What do you mean You're not allowed to travel here, did something happen?



JofY: “What happened to your grammar?

Crazy56U: What, did Rainbow get put in time out or something?

SC276: [Rainbow] “No, I said aloud. Pay attention, you’re supposed to be my boyfriend or something.”

Scarlet: “Rainbow Miriam Dash, you didn’t attempt to smuggle churros back to Equestria again did you? You know they’re banned!”

CaptainPisqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “But they’re just so goooood!”

MrSing: You know how things have been since pony 9/11.



I thought Twilight and the others proved that cross world traveling was safe?.”



Scarlet: Yeah, nothing potentially dangerous about suddenly introducing a massive influx of land and resources to the entire human world without any sort of safety net.

Crazy56U: Eh, they did their math on a napkin, it checked out.

CaptainPipsqueak: And then someone wiped up a coffee stain. Most of the equations could still be read, though. Kinda.



“They did, and it is!” she told me in an uplifting tone. “But,” after I kind of took that whiskey bottle back with me last time,



SC276: Why did you take a whiskey bottle?

Mononeko: I don’t know, but it reminds me I need a drink to get through this.

Scarlet: Oh god, I was kidding about smuggler Dash.

Crazy56U: SC276, that is a stupid question, and you know it.



I forgot to hide it and they um, “found it...”



JofY: [Dash] “And I said that I only wanted to try… but she brought out the belt and-”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “And then they tried to take it, but I wasn’t done drinking, and then things got violent, and then I pulled out a knife-”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “Still have no idea where that came from…”



she told me with a sheepish grin on her face. "So yeah, now I’m banned from cross world visiting!"



CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “All because I refused to share. Assholes.”

Crazy56U: (slow clap) GG Rainbow. You managed to get blacklisted from the very

thing you helped make possible.

SC276: How is there going to be cross-world travel now? We haven’t gotten any evidence that anyone besides Rainbow can do it.

ToonGuy: Magic. They don’t have to explain it.

MrSing: Alcohol is once again the unsung hero that tried to protect us from this story.



she stated quickly, smiling up at me as the guilt and embarrassment in her voice built up. “Oh, so that's where that went.” I told her in a sly tone as Rainbow Dash continued.



JofY: Ah. Petty larceny.

CaptainPipsqueak: Bullshit. Whenever Rainbow does it it’s awesome larceny.

Crazy56U: [???] “Goddamnit, Rainbow, that was my dinner!”

Crazy56U: (vomits candy corn)

CaptainPipsqueak: Ew. People eat that stuff? The antichrist of candy?

Crazy56U: (grabs a handful of candy corn) (dumps it on your head)



“I'm so sorry man, but You can't get stuff like that back in Cloudsdale aside from Las Pegasus!



JofY: You’d think they’d want to export that kind of stuff.

Crazy56U: Well, there’s also Canterlot, but the cost for such whiskey there is obscene.

SC276: I don’t think you understand how cities work, author.

Scarlet: I don’t think he understands how booze works.

CaptainPipsqueak: Shit, this poor guy’s running out of things to understand. Soon he’ll forget balance.



and I well, um… wanted something to remember You by between visits.” she told me sincerely as her face turned away blushing slightly from embarrassment.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “Every time I see you I just want to get shitfaced drunk. I think I might have a problem.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Well, that, and I’m too cheap to actually buy alcohol...”

MrSing: She doesn’t have a problem, stealing heavy booze from your friends is (*≧▽≦)♡ ~romantic!~ ♡ ★~(◡﹏◕✿)

JofY: AHH!!! A weaboo! *punches MrSing in the face*



“Hey, It's alright Dashie, I told her with a consoling tone as she looked up to me. “I'm just sorry that You got in trouble for bringing it back with you that's all.” I said, reassuring her that I wasn't mad at her actions.



JofY: Just soul-crushingly disappointed in her.

Crazy56U: He was crying on the inside, though, due to the loss of his bottle...

SC276: I’m not sure what’s worse, that this guy has no idea how quotation marks work, or that he can’t figure out proper writing structure otherwise.



In fact to be honest, I was flattered



MrSing: “It’s so nice of her to steal from me.”



that She was thinking about me when we were apart, though I'd be too embarrassed to tell her that.



JofY: I remember things best by drinking.

Crazy56U: Haven’t you two been dating for like three weeks now?

ToonGuy: And she’s already on the drinking phase? God, that bad?

Scarlet: Well, this guy hasn’t noticed even once the implications of his girlfriend needing booze to “remember him”.



“Twilight and the others are so overprotective with these cross world contamination laws!”



JofY: It’s almost as if some sort of virus or something could cross over, decimating an entire civilization!

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s crazy talk. You’re crazy.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Hell, I washed my hooves before taking the bottle, you’d think that was enough!”

SC276: We have to maintain the world border!



Dash said angrily. "I've never gotten any sort of illness from visiting your world!,



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, yeah, I did have that diarrhea thing, but I

attribute that to Taco Bell.”

ToonGuy: Well, to be fair to Twilight, if there’s anything that’s going to wipe out entire worlds, it’s going to be found in Taco Bell.

CaptainPipsqueak: Fatburger for the win. Damn they make kickass milkshakes.

MrSing: If you mean that you feel like you’ve been kicked in the ass after eating there, than yeah.



I was given a three month travel ban and a 300bit fine by the equestrian “royal council” if you can believe it!”



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, c’mon. ‘Royal council’?! (scoff) That’s not a real

thing!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “And then I found out it was. After razzing Celestia about it. Boy, was that a dark day…”



“Didn't Twilight try and help you out at all?” I said, causing Rainbow to then let out a deep sigh, lowing her head. “Yeah, but there was little she could do at that point.”



Crazy56U: ...Twilight refused to help your dumb ass out, didn’t she?

SC276: You freakin’ stole something, what else did you expect?!

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean okay, I made her watch me finish the bottle, but still…”



The look on her face getting ever redder as she continued on. “It's just not fair!, I'm the one who has the world jumping ability to begin with!



Crazy56U: Wait, I thought that Twilight had that inter-dimensional research thing?

Isn’t the point of that to make inter-dimensional avaliable for everyone?

ToonGuy: If that’s the case, insert topical joke about politics here.

Crazy56U: WOW, ToonGuy, tell us how you really feel about Donald Trump, damn...



without me, none of this would even be possible!, and they had the nerve to tell me I can't come here?, “seriously." "WHAT THE BUCK.!”



JofY: Screw politics, it’s not like life could ever depend on it.

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) #LetRainbowSayFuck2016

ToonGuy: GET THE MOVEMENT SPREADING.

CaptainPipsqueak: #SayFuckNotBuck

SC276: #UseQuoteMarksCorrectly

CaptainPipsqueak: #Let’sNotGetTOOCrazySC726

JofY: #Stoptheoveruseofhashtags



she told me with a angered look as I began to approach her, putting my arms around the upset Pegasus and consolingly holding her close to me.



ToonGuy: And thus it BEGINS.

Mononeko: *gulp*, mommy, I’m scared...

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(muffled) Hey, what the, I can’t breathe!”

Scarlet: I executed my follow-up chokehold effortlessly.



“Hey, it's alright Dashie.” I said giving her a gentle hug feeling her soft coat. "And don't worry, I'll help pay that crazy fine of yours, there's got to be something around here that's worth that much in Esqestra!.



JofY: In Esqestra? Yes. In Equestria? No.

CaptainPipsqueak: What’s the exchange rate between Esqestra and Equestria anyway?

Waterpear: About 600 Esqestran btis = 1 Equestrian bit

Crazy56U: [???] “No, I’m not drunk, shut up!”

SC276: I know there’s been research about roughly how much bits are in American dollars, but I can’t be arsed to look those up now.



Looking into her big eyes I then said. "What's important right now is that you're here." as she then looked back at me, saying. “I couldn't let you do that, money always ruins friendships and I..."



JofY: You hear that everyone? If you help a friend with a loan, you are DECIMATING YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH THEM!

ToonGuy: Especially if it means that you’ll probably never see them again!

CaptainPipsqueak: Clearly the correct course of action is to point and laugh.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, the economy must be destroyed at all costs?



Suddenly, I stopped her next words with a light kiss on Dash's forehead.



JofY: How’s that face-eye coordination?

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God; they’re going to fuck at some point, aren’t they?

ToonGuy: Think we established that early on.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, but sometimes I hate when we’re right.

Crazy56U: And thus begins the bestiality.

SC276: Followed by a left to the breadbasket and a right to the chops.

CaptainPipsqueak: Bread and chops. Great. Now I’m hungry.



“It's OK, I want to.”



JofY: I want to ruin our friendship.

Crazy56U: No you don’t, trust me, that’s the bad writing talking.

SC276: “Don’t do it, bear, it’s the fanfic talking!”



I told the upset mare as I began to see a light smile slowly come over Dash’s face, knowing just how much I cared about her.



JofY: Not at all.

Crazy56U: ...they’re going to plow soon, aren’t they?

SC276: Get on with it!

Scarlet: I rented a ‘70s porn music record and everything! In retrospect, I regret this!



“We'll see” Rainbow Dash said, starting to blush slightly more from the kiss I had given her. “Sorry about the rough entrance,



ToonGuy: [George Takei] OH MY.

Crazy56U: Wait, that was a rough entrance?



but I wasn't about to let some stupid travel ban stop me from seeing you!"



JofY: And that’s when the space police burst in.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Space Cop] “I swear, I thought she was going for a knife. That’s why I shot her three times!”

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, let me guess: Rainbow isn’t going to be allowed to go back home now?



The Pegasus then told me as I wiped away the tears from her eyes before slowly brushing my hand down the soft coat on her back, feeling her furs amazingly soft texture.



CaptainPipsqueak: Should we...be here any longer?

ToonGuy: Probably not. But we’re staying anyway.

Crazy56U: (depressedly drinks more Diet Coke)

SC276: Didn’t you already talk about her fur being soft? Also, who is it that gets upset at giving ponies fur instead of hair again?



“Other than flying with the Wonderbolts and spending time with my friends, I enjoy coming here and visiting You the most.”



JofY: You’re third best.

Crazy56U: yay

SC276: It’s because of YOU, isn’t it?

Scarlet: I’ve made an appropriately tiny trophy out of paper-mache!



Rainbow told me smiling. “I always look forward to seeing You too Dashie, I told her with a look of sincerity. “Thanks, you're the best most awesome friend a Pegasi could ask for!” Dash exclaimed



SC276: [Rainbow] “The friends I have that let me shoot rainbows at supervillains aren’t worth jack in comparison!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(yells at the ceiling) Yeah, you hear that?! (shakes hoof) Fuck you, Pinkie!”

Mononeko: [Pinkie] “Hey! I heard that!”



hugging me tighter before breaking off



Crazy56U: Your head? Please say she killed you and we can end this early…

Scarlet: If killing the characters was all it took to do that, don’t you think I would’ve been trying harder already?



the hug



Crazy56U: (punches a hole into the table)

Mononeko: (shakes his head disappointed) you had one chance Rainbow…

CatainPipsqueak: “YOU HAD ONE JOB!”



a few seconds later. “Now, I'm starving! what's the plan for dinner tonight?.”



CaptainPipsqueak: “I figured we’d just have a snack. Cupcakes. … Why are you looking at me like that?”

JofY: “Hors-... Nothing…”

Crazy56U: [???] “Eh, I didn’t get paid this week, so... ...you up for crackers and

ketchup?”

SC276: First step of the recipe: break up the wall into multiple paragraphs.



One of the highlights of Rainbow Dash’s trips to my world was the food, because it was only in our world that could she have such amazing things like steaks, hamburgers, or generally any kind of food with meat in it Rainbow Dash secretly craved and loved.



CaptainPipsqeak: Yeah...she sure loves the meat. Heh heh heh...

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s going to have a fucking heart attack at this rate, those are the

kill foods...

SC276: Plus I’m pretty sure she can’t eat meat. This is freakin’ Mykan all over again.



She had to keep this fact a secret in her world as generally, ponies were vegetarians and frowned greatly at eating any kind of meat.



JofY: ...Ah, taboos. Aren’t they grand?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, I have one one of a skull on my forearm. … Wait; you said ‘taboo’ didn’t you?

Crazy56U: Please, Twilight had bacon and loved that shit. ...you know, assuming that

Equestria Girls takes place in this world...

SC276: Pretty sure that’s biologically impossible.

Crazy56U: You can accomplish any impossible task if you try hard enough. Also, horses can’t puke, and yet Pinkie did just that in that episode where Applejack was sleep-deprived and almost murdered everyone.

SC276: You’re trying to make an excuse for MLP ponies not acting like real ponies by quoting Pinkie?

Crazy56U: Hey, I’m not proud of my actions either, but there you go.

CaptainPipsqueak: *Meanwhile, in Ponyville* [Pinkie] “Ear-flap, rear hoof two-tap...Somepony’s talking about me!”



“Well, we could always get those cheese steaks like last time,” I asked. “They're good and everything. But ever since my last visit I've really been craving some of that awesome pizza we had!”



JofY: Instead of the boring pizza.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I’ve had some boring pizza in my time. The best way to tell if it’s good pizza is if you can eat it cold from the fridge and think to yourself ‘This doesn’t need heating.’

Crazy56U: Split the difference: cheesesteak pizza. I think Domino’s still sells it...

SC276: I’d like twenty.



Dash said looking at me with an enthusiastic smile.”



“Alright it's settled then, pizza for dinner it is!"



CaptainPipsqueak: “Do you mind if I invite my turtle friends to come along?”

ToonGuy: “Also, if a rat comes to the door, don’t kill it. He’s their chaperone.”

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, a fat orange cat waits outside and plots to steal their pizza before becoming CGI again and becoming a fucking annoy- look, I just rewatched the Garfield movie recently, and I have regrets...

SC276: Don’t watch the sequel then.

Crazy56U: Maybe you should say that to Past Crazy56U then. (begins openly sobbing)



I said starting to think that there was only "one" pizza place in my area that we liked to order from,



Crazy56U: Funnily enough, it was actually the Taco Bell...

SC276: Like, one of those combo restaurants that has a Pizza Hut Express menu, or were they getting Mexican Pizza because I swear that’s a thing?

Crazy56U: Yes.



already knowing what kind of toppings Rainbow Dash had in mind, It was the her favorite,



ToonGuy: I’m glad it was the her favorite, I’d hate if it was just her favorite. Totally take me out of the immersive story.

CaptainPipsqueak: If there were “two” or even “three” there might be an entire page devoted to deciding.

Crazy56U: (reads from “Pizza Place” menu) Let’s see… “The Her Favorite”... ...dear

God, that’s an obscene amount of topping…...

CaptainPipsqueak: Two pounds of bacon. Geez, I’m surprised it doesn’t go straight to her hips.



with spicy pepperoni, mushrooms, ham, “with sausage” and really anything other meat they had for toppings she really enjoyed.



CaptainPipsqueak: Thank God Dash lives alone. I do not want to be in her house half an hour later.

Waterpear: I really don’t want to know what the “with sausage” is made from.

CaptainPipsqueak: Homeless people.

Crazy56U: Like, seriously, you see my point? That is way too much topping!

SC276: So, you ordered a meat lover’s?



After I finished ordering the most toppings on a pizza they probity ever had received,



JofY: Because, ordering everything, doesn’t exist.

ToonGuy: Of course it doesn’t! Haven’t you heard, it’s probity the most they’ve ever had!

Crazy56U: Hey now, the night is young, and I have it on high authority that stoners like pizza...



I sat down on one of the bar stools on the other side of the kitchen counter as Rainbow Dash was quick to join me, flying over and sitting on the adjacent stool,



CaptainPipsqueak: Walking that short distance clearly being below her...

Crazy56U: You know what would fix this story? It suddenly becoming a “Cheers”

crossover for no good reason…

CaptainPipsqueak: FUCK. YOU.

Crazy56U: Hey now, I could’ve made a worse comment due to the mention of bar

stools...



me



CaptainPipsqueak: ...you…?

Mononeko: ...gusta?

SC276: A long long way to run!

Crazy56U: I ran so far away...



seeing the look of excitement and anticipation for the delicious pizza that was on the Pegasus's face was priceless.



Crazy56U: Seriously, you are going to kill her if you let her eat that, I’m calling it now!



“Man this pizza's gonna be so awesome! can. not. wait.”



Mononeko: must. resist. to. say. something.

Crazy56U: why are we whispering?



Rainbow Dash said ecstatically. “They said it should be here in ten to fifteen minutes.”



CaptainPipsqueak: Only if they microwaved it.

Crazy56U: Five hours later, Rainbow had burned down the house in outrage of the

pizza not arriving. What’s His Face died in the blaze.

Mononeko: YAAAAY!



Ugh, wish I could make time go faster...” She muttered to herself looking over at the clock in the living room.



ToonGuy: There’s a time and a place for mucking around!

SC276: No one mention anything Superman’s done to her.

Crazy56U: And then, inspired by the clock, Rainbow decided to try and build a time machine. All she ultimately did was break the microwave. What’s His Face died in the blaze.



“So Dash, how have things been going with the Wonderbolts?” I asked. “Pretty good,” Rainbow Dash said looking back in my direction.



JofY: “Still haven’t hired me yet…”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “You just wait; I’ll create my own stunt team! Yeah...yeah!”

Mononeko: With blackjack and hookers?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, I haven’t been fired yet, so…”



"We just got back from a show in Saddle Arabia that was pretty awesome. "The highlight of the show was when Soarin and Spitfire showed off this new move called the triple rotation double loop dive,



CaptainPipsqueak: I try to envision that and my nose bleeds. Is that normal?

SC276: Honestly, flight moves just seemed to be named randomly to me.

Crazy56U: AKA. a barrel roll, Star Fox 64 style.



”I of course” were the most talented of everypony there thanks to my now signature move, “The Triple Sonic Rain Boom!”



JofY: it ruins everyones gramma

ToonGuy: What yu mean, budy

SC276: (There’s a pile of syntax rules in this trash heap.)

Crazy56U: FUCK ME, “DOUBLE RAINBOOM” IS CANON IN THIS STORY



She exclaimed in a cocky tone throwing her hooves up in the air. “A triple sonic rain boom huh... "Can you even do that?" I asked suspiciously.



Mononeko: Oh god no, as if a double rainboom wasn’t bad enough already.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Dude, do you even know who I am?!”



“Of course I can!” she stated confidently. “I can't pull it off all the time,



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Because it requires me to do a line of coke before hand,

and I have to use it sparingly; Fluttershy charges an obscene amount for it…”



but with the other Wonderbolts amazing moves,



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Which are just… just awful...”



I just had to one up em!” Rainbow said as she pointed a hoof to her chest



SC276: You were trying to show up your teammates? With a dangerous move given the crazy speeds you have to do for just one burst?

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, Rainbow, did you learn nothing from that “Wonderbolts Academy” episode?! Showboating is dangerous!



than looking at me with suspicion. “Why, you don't think I did it?” Dash asked me with a sly tone in her voice. “Well then... If that's the case then maybe I'll just have to show You first hoof!”



JofY: Let’s destroy everything!

CaptainPipsqueak: Can I bring the grenade launcher?

ToonGuy: I’ll get the sledgehammer.

SC276: (pulls out flint and steel) 420 blaze it!

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(punches ??? in the nose) And now, second hoof! (proceeds to break ???’s jaw)”



“As much as I'd love to see that Dash, I don't think it would be the best idea, considering you'd probity break every window within 300 miles I told her jokingly.



ToonGuy: Yes, she ‘probity’ will, taking that last set of quotations marks with her no doubt.

SC276: Um, three hundred miles would cover the entire state of Nevada.

Crazy56U: That’s not a joke, dipshit, windows are expensive.

CaptainPipsqueak: Not to mention something like that would also kill everyone within three hundred miles.



“I'll take your word for it alright." I said, patting her on the back.



“OK fine..." But I’m taking You to see our next show so can witness my moves first well, “Hand!” The Rainbow mare said looking down at my hands.



JofY: ...Good job, Dash. Can you tell me where the foot is next?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Hey, what happened to your thumbs?!”

[???] “(embarrassed) Ah, well, you see, I owed someone money-”



A confused expression then quickly came over her face as I asked. “How could I see your show,



Crazy56U: Well, on the television, obviously, but that requires a cable subscription,

however you can watch it online, but that requires an Internet connection an-



I thought humans couldn't travel back to Equestria?”



JofY: Darn you, B.S.

SC276: If other ponies can travel with Dash to this would, why can’t humans go the other way?

Crazy56U: Oh. ...why are we still on this Wonderbolts thing, that isn’t going to amount to anything in this story! ...probably!



Well, um. Rainbow Dash thought for a few seconds, suddenly remembering something that Twilight had told her as she then said. “Yeah, I guess You're right, I umm. I forget sometimes” she uttered out looking down at the floor as I then placed one of my hands on her neck consolingly telling her.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “Hey! Bad touch, buddy…”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “GAH! (flinches) Dude, your hand is freezing!”



“Hey, hey, It’s alright Dashie, but there's something I just don’t understand, If you guys can cross into my world and take books and stuff, why can’t I just go back with You into Your world?”



JofY: This is how to tell if she’s actually into you, or just mooching.

Crazy56U: [???] “What, I mean, it’s not like you got me blacklisted as well. Right?”

[Rainbow Dash] “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

SC276: That’s what I just asked!



Rainbow Dash looked puzzled for a minute, then saying the first thing she could think of hastily.



JofY: “I… I hate sand!”

ToonGuy: “It’s coarse and rough and irritating. Just like you!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “If there were two guys on the moon and one of them

killed the other with a rock would that be fucked up or what?”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “Hey; who did put the ‘bop’ in the ‘bopshoobopshoobop’?”



“I guess we’ll um, have to ask Twilight next time we see her about that." Rainbow Dash told me with a nervous tone in her voice.



JofY: She’s hiding something! Press her!

Mononeko: Hold It!

ToonGuy: I thought we didn’t want sex in this.

Crazy56U: And thus, the story takes a turn for the LA Noire...



I could tell by her reaction that she was maybe hiding something, but I didn’t want to press the matter.



JofY: Oh… I was actually joking there.

Crazy56U: But he said he wasn’t going to press it. Technically, it’s still a joke!



“Yeah, that sounds like a plan to me."



Crazy56U: A shitty plan, mind you, but it is a plan!



“Her glance then looked towards the big bowl of fruit



Crazy56U: Well, apparently Rainbow brought a pet with her to Earth… ...why not Tank,

though...



I had on the countertop as Rainbow Dash started to reach out one of her hooves, proceeding to grab an apple from the bowl and roll it across the to her,



SC276: Sailing across the To Her: what George Washington did after crossing the Delaware.

Crazy56U: Little did Rainbow know that she just grabbed a wax apple...



taking a nice big bite out of it. “These are so sweet!, why is everything more awesome here?”



ToonGuy: You’re right. Not being able to fly naturally or use magic is pretty awesome.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, we do have Netflix! We got that going for us!

CaptainPipsqueak: And Dairy Queen!

JofY: Plus, we have war.



she asked, turning to me after taking a few more bites of the juicy yellow apple. “They can’t be better then one of Applejack’s apples right?” I asked. “Well, Dash thought about it for a few seconds then saying. “I guess AJ's are better overall. “But these are a close second!”



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, wouldn’t want to offend the redneck hick who’s in a totally different dimension, would you?

Crazy56U: No, you see, Rainbow is actually cheating on ??? with Applejack, it makes

sense...



“Oh my gosh!



JofY: What did you just say?

Crazy56U: Oh, hey-



oh my gosh!



JofY: Could you repeat that?

Crazy56U: I didn’t know-



oh my gosh!



JofY: Oh… Huh?

Captainpipsqueak: Dude, shut up or she’ll never stop.

Crazy56U: Rainbow liked Usher!



She then said ecstatically as her eyes widened. “I can only dream of what the cider must taste like from one of these apples! you gotta get some so I can try it.



ToonGuy: Ah, she’s clearly mooching. Romance is just a ploy by this addict for a new stash!

Crazy56U: Jesus, Rainbow, being with this guy is making you alcohol-dependent...

SC276: What does alcoholic cider even taste like compared to non-alcoholic?

CaptainPipsqueak: Sort of like sweet beer.



"Isn't your world getting into that season right now?" she inquired.



Mononeko: Oooh, so THAT’S the reason this guy is so attracted to her…

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Getting into season’ huh?

Crazy56U: Yeah, when does this take place, actually? I mean, months were

mentioned... just not which months...



That look of pure joy and cuteness she had in those violet eyes at the moment where almost too much for me to bare.



JofY: And, he’s dead.

CaptainPipsqueak: After he stripped the look naked.

SC276: Why are you reminding her of the home she’s a fugitive from?!

Crazy56U: Let me guess, his heart exploded twice?



I always made sure to have the bowl fully stocked with all kinds of fruit for when Rainbow Dash and her five friends visited.



JofY: Unfortunately it was usually fake.

CaptainPipsqueak: The fact that Rainbow still found them delicious was worrying.

Crazy56U: And 9 times outta 10, it’s just full of apples, lest he put up with a rant from Applejack.



They always enjoyed what I picked out because a lot of the different fruits they didn't have back in Equestria.



ToonGuy: Such as? I’m not saying it’s impossible, just asking for specifics.

Crazy56U: Like the Grapple, for one.



“Okay, I'll be sure I have the fridge stocked with cider for you to try on your next visit." I told her with a reassuring tone in my voice.



CaptainPisqueak: “And I promise it won’t be the alcoholic kind!” *crosses fingers*

Crazy56U: Yep, completely full of cider. Screw having food or shelves in your fridge,

fuck it, wall to wall cider just to please the flying rainbow horse, that’s the way!



“Oh, thank you thank you thank you!” she said excitingly, starting to reach across the the short distance between the bar stools holding me tightly with her forehooves as both her wings wrapped themselves around my back, embracing me ever so gently.



JofY: The embracing strangulation.

SC276: Rainbow Dash. Excited and gentle at the same time. Rainbow Dash.

CaptainPipsqueak: Wow; the real Rainbow Dash is gonna be pissed. Chrysalis is probably laughing her ass off right now.

Crazy56U: ...Rainbow’s wings are not long enough to actually do that. ...either she’s

the size of an actual horse on Earth, or ??? is practically flat.



“Your so awesome.” Dash whispered in my ear as she hugged me, her warm cyan coat pushing up closely against my chest as I felt her soft rainbow mane beside my face, ushering me to nozzle against her.



CaptainPipsqueak: He then sprayed her with cold water. The screams were comedy gold.

ToonGuy: Oh, so Candid Camera still exists.

SC276: Smile!

JofY: NEVER!!!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, that’s what happens when you put your face near a nozzle.

Crazy56U: Uh oh, ??? was so turned on, he turned into a gas pump.



I was kind of taken back at Dash’s reaction to me just saying I was going to have some apple cider for her, but then again, It was her favorite drink. Aside from rum and coke that is,



ToonGuy: More signs of being a addict! Will she never stop!

Crazy56U: Is it really smart to mix cocaine and alcohol?



of which Rainbow Dash “loved” among various other alcoholic drinks I liked to mix for her when she visited.



SC276: Oh so you’re an expert cocktail maker then. That would’ve been nice to know before now!

CaptainPipsqueak: *considers making crude joke about ‘cock’ and ‘tail’ but holds back*

Crazy56U: Mixing drinks is easy if you just pour them at the same time!



Never liking to get drunk to the point of passing out but just get a nice buzz going and relax on my couch after a long day of Wonderbolt practice or cloud duty, which Dash liked to volunteer for on the times of year that had the more cloudy days that needed extra help clearing up.



SC276: So… at least she’s not drinking and flying? Also, is the cider not being mentioned as being with or without alcohol in Equestria a sign the author is not-American?

Crazy56U: ...that is what we are ending the chapter on. A hug and the Narrator monologuing on Rainbow’s alcohol dependency. Why.



Chapter Two: Dinner With A Dash Of Rainbow



Waterpear: cartoon horse is not a condiment

JofY: But it is a spice.

Crazy56U: You’re adding rainbow sprinkles to your pizza?! The fuck?!

SC276: And I thought pineapple was freakin’ weird...



Still holding onto me in an embrace, her eyes stirred into mine.



JofY: Next, you pour in the milk.

CaptainPipsqueak: ~Crack crack crack the eggs into the bowl…~

Crazy56U: Their eyes are physically touching? ...ow...



As I looked back into her beautiful magenta eyes, I saw she had an intense nervous look on her face that told me she was just as unsure about what was happening between us as I was.



JofY: Well, it appears to be the local production of Hamlet.

Mononeko: (Schwarzenegger voice) To be, or not to be? Not to be.

CaptainPipsqueak: "Now you fucked up!"

Crazy56U: Well, at least it’s better than the sequel.



Gazing back just as tensely looking at the cyan blue Pegasus in front of me, I thought that nothing had ever looked so beautiful in my life.



ToonGuy: “Mind you, I am legally blind.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “And have no taste whatsoever.”

Crazy56U: “Rainbow is the first and only thing that ever willingly agreed to date me,

FYI.”



But I was unsure if she felt the same way about me...



SC276: And of course you can’t ask directly because that’s rude for no reason.

CaptainPipsqueak: Also she’d probably kick the shit out of you.

Crazy56U: Again, you’ve been dating for three weeks!



Rainbow Dash looked away for a few seconds, then looking back at my ever nervous expression, she started to say. “Hey um, are you thirsty?.” she said in a quiet whispered tone looking deep into my eyes. “I uh, I could use a drink.”



JofY: SHOTS!!!

CaptainPipsqueak: “Do I get to drink them off your belly?”

Crazy56U: (pulls out a canister of gas) Got ya covered, Rainbow.



I stated back, moving my eyes away from her to look at the various beverages I had around the kitchen.



SC276: If I hadn’t read some of the fanfics we go through, I’d question why someone has that much booze.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, all he had left in terms of drinks was Mr. Pig.



Dash then all of a sudden put one of her hooves up to the side of my face and pulled my head back to look at her as she softly uttered. “No, not “that” kind of drink. “I asked if you were thirsty.”



JofY: “No, but I am hungry. Where’s that pizza?”

Crazy56U: (instantly worried) Uh-



she said in a playful tone, smirking at me slyly as her head tilted to one side.



Before I could think about what Dash meant, she moved her face closer to mine. Her four hooves along with her cyan wings embracing me ever tighter as the feathers on them slowly cascaded back and forth down my back.



CaptainPipsqueak: There was a wet crack and Rainbow took the wallet from his corpse. With a smirk, she returned to Equestria - the exchange rate for human dollars was amazing.

ToonGuy: Thus ended the first cut scene for the new Grand Theft Auto game.

Mononeko: How I wish that game was real...

SC276: Who is desperate enough to try and slate their thirst with someone else’s saliva?!

JofY: …*starts whistling innocently*

Crazy56U: OH GOD, HERE WE GO!



Which was giving me a tickling sensation that caused me to fall into a trance as we moved closer, me embracing her just as tightly now, and our faces slowly moved in for a kiss.



ToonGuy: SOUND THE KLAXON. We’re going into dangerous waters here!

SC276: I don’t want to do this tonight, I got a headache.

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s your excuse for everything.

Crazy56U: IT BEGINS!



Then, right as our lips were about to touch I heard a loud “DING DONG!” shortly right after that hearing someone say. “PIZZA!”



SC276: Pizza saves the day once again!

Crazy56U: (to the sky) Thank you, pizza.



We quickly stopped what we were doing, breaking the close embrace and moving our heads away from each other. Hearing that loud doorbell that made my heart as well as Rainbow Dash’s explode (twice.)



JofY: Okay, story’s over.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, I’m about done here too.

ToonGuy: The length of the document says otherwise.

SC276: We’re only halfway there?!

Crazy56U: CALLED IT!



With the both of us now turning our attention to the door.



JofY: Oh no! They’ve become zombies!

Crazy56U: They were waiting for it to open so they could get on the floor...



“Well, you’d better get that.” the blue Pegasus said as she jumped off the bar stool to go hide behind the couch in my living room.



ToonGuy: Odd time for a game of peek-a-boo!

Crazy56U: Rainbow hates strangers. Fact.



“Man, you really startled me, you should really say “Pizza” first. Then if no one answers. Ring the bell.



Mononeko: [Pizza Guy]: Bitch don’t tell me what to do!

Crazy56U: [Pizza Guy] “...you know what, fuck it, you don’t get pizza today. (leaves

with the pizza)”



“Yeah,” I'll try and remember that... The pizza guy told me sarcastically.



SC276: The pizza guy is us. The pizza guy is officially the best character in this story.

Crazy56U: Pizza Guy is our own personal Jesus.

CaptainPipsqueak: But only if he brings us the pizza.



After I had paid for the pizza, I saw Rainbow Dash peek out from behind the couch.



JofY: Unfortunately, the Pizza Guy hadn’t actually left yet, and one murder later…

ToonGuy: Rapidly feels like an episode of Fargo.

Crazy56U: Or the movie Fargo. ...if you watched it on LSD...



“Hey It's safe now Dashie, you can come out now!.” I signaled.



ToonGuy: With quotation marks….somehow.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “No! This is comfy, I live here now!”



The mare then jumped over the arm of the couch and walked up to me, flapping her wings to hover up into the counter,



SC276: Headlong into it?!

CaptainPipsqueak: And breaking a leg. At least this Rainbow Dash is just as incompetent as the real one.

Mononeko: I knew it! This WAS all just the narrator’s fucked up fantasy!

Crazy56U: And then some oranges fell over.



sitting next to where I had placed the pizza box and had begun to get out plates to begin serving our slices.



“Hey look um, I'm sorry if I seemed to be moving a little fast back there dude,



ToonGuy: [Dash] “Well it is in my name, but you get what I mean.”

Crazy56U: In fact, it was so fast, I legit think you two were about to fuck!



“I just ugh. she sighs. "Think You're really cool and…All of sudden, I heard a loud rumbling sound coming from Rainbow Dash's stomach.



ToonGuy: “I HUNGER FOR SOULS.”

CaptainPipsqueak: "RAAAAAAGH!!!!!"

SC276: And now Rainbow Dash is speaking in third person.

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow exploded. THE END



Abruptly cutting her off in mid sentence. “I think You're really cool to Dashie,” I told her sincerely. “But actually for right now, “I think we should just focus on the pizza.” She then just smiled at me, saying. “Sounds like a plan to me!”



ToonGuy: Broken record much?

SC276: *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!”

Crazy56U: (punches the story) “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* Damn it, this works for Fonzie!

JofY: ...Why are you two just repeating “-plan to me!” over and over?

Crazy56U: Why do you hate having fun?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah; you some sort of funazi or somethin’?



I guess Dashie had forgotten with everything that had happened of how incredibly hungry she'd become it seemed I thought.



Crazy56U: ...what?



Opening up the pizza box made Rainbow Dash gasp with excitement. “Oh Celestia, look at all the toppings!" she said in awe.



JofY: [Celestia] “I’m blind you ass!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia] “I’m not even there! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “I wanted tacos!”



“That sure does look good!, Let's eat!”



SC276: Ikkitakumas!

Crazy56U: Gesundheit.



“Oh wait a second, I just remembered. “I have one more surprise for us tonight!.”



JofY: “I’m bringing over my boyfriend!”

Crazy56U: Is the surprise that the story is over soon?



Hastily opening up one of the cabinet doors as I took out one of Rainbow Dashes favorite mix drinks rum and coke! “Oh... Now this is bucken perfect.”



JofY: My favorite drink? Man, this sucks.

Crazy56U: BUCK IS NOT A SWEAR GODDAMNIT!



Said the Pegasus with a smooth and relaxed tone in her voice.



SC276: What is with Dash and alcohol in this story, are you freakin’ kidding me?

Crazy56U: We need to hold an Intervention.



“Thought You'd like that.” I said confidently



SC276: ...Oh wait, this is the guy that went to get the drink. I thought Rainbow went to get it so I could say something about how he somehow managed to see into the future that she’d do that.

Crazy56U: This is the kind of confusion that occurs when you abuse quotation marks like this. Please donate money to the People for Ethical Treatment of Quotation Marks to end this travesty once and for all.



starting to get out some glasses while I mixed the rum and coke together in them.



ToonGuy: There goes both of their livers.

Crazy56U: Nah, I doubt Rainbow’s liver has been intact for a while now...



“Bring the bottle over.” She commanded pointing a hoof. “I want to have some fun tonight!”



JofY: “We’re going to play some football in tuxedos!”

ToonGuy: “And if you don't come, you’re just a chicken, cheeeep-cheep cheep!”

SC276: Drinking and then sex. That’s the entire plot, just watch.

Crazy56U: You want fun, go outside. Fun exists there.

Nox: What is this… Outside you speak of?



“Not sure what that means...” I thought. "Well, Maybe I do?" and what if that doorbell hadn't gone off earlier, would we have..."kissed?"



ToonGuy: “Nuh uh! Because of the cootie plague!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; she’d have jammed her ovipositor down his throat and laid her eggs in his stomach.

Crazy56U: Worse. You would’ve French kissed… (shudder)



“No, come on now!” I can’t jump to any conclusions, It’d just make dinner more awkward for the both of us, which was last thing I want to do. At least I knew now that Dash must've had feelings for me as I did for her, does she want to be my



mare -friend?



SC276: Weird place for a sudden paragraph break, author. What, did you hit the text limit on the previous line?

Crazy56U: No, that was his pitiful attempt at building tension...



“I had to stop my mind from racing and ruin the evening I had planned for us, think of the pizza, think of the pizza.



JofY: Think of the innocent pizza!

ToonGuy: OH THE HUMANITY!

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Pizzaity’. Racist.

ToonGuy: Hey! Many of my best friends are pizzas….I should really get out more.

Mononeko: “Hello, I’m Mononeko. Did you know thousands of pizza slices are eaten all over the world each month?”

Crazy56U: (is eating a slice of pizza) Yeah, the fuck dude?



I repeated to myself silently as we headed over to the dinner table.



Mononeko: While rocking my head back and forth like a madman.

SC276: “Must… resist… urge… to… make out… with… animal…!”

Crazy56U: “Focus on food, not on horse!”



Reaching the table and putting my mind to rest at last, I placed the bottle of rum with the two glasses mixed with the run and coke



SC276: Run and coke a bitch.

Crazy56U: Well, doing cocaine does tend to make one faster...



down as Rainbow Dash took her seat at the end of the six chaired table, while I sat down at the opposite end.



ToonGuy: Waste of perfectly good chairs.

SC276: The guy seems to live alone. Why would he have six chairs, in case one spontaneously combusts?

Crazy56U: He’s just dying for the day he can host a game of Musical Chairs...



Rainbow Dash Immediately dug into her piece of pizza, stretching a long string of cheese from the plate to her mouth. The site made me quietly chuckle to myself saying, “It's that good huh?”



JofY: “This riffing site is hilarious.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “That Captain Pipsqueak guy is the best!”

ToonGuy: “ToonGuy is so HANDSOME!”

SC276: “This SC guy, though, his humor stretches kind of thin and he uses too many obscure references.”

Crazy56U: “And that Crazy guy... God, I loathe him!”



"Mmm, You bet!.” Rainbow Dash exclaimed nodding her head as she continued to eat the delicious pizza, stopping only for a few seconds to take a quick sip of the mixed drink on the side of her plate, before continuing to gorge. Taking a bite myself I had to agree with her, this was the most delicious mixture of toppings on a pizza I had ever tasted!



JofY: It had just the right amount of dead baby.

CaptainPipsqueak: Along with crunchy cockroach and rat crap. He did ask for everything, after all.

SC276: I forgot, do we have any indication of toppings besides meat lover’s?

Crazy56U: No. The pizza is basically 90% meat, 10% pizza.



the run and coke went pretty good with it also.



Waterpear: I lost so much weight since I started drinking rum and coke.

CaptainPipsqueak: It gives the added benefit of not having to drink diet soda. That stuff is vile.

Crazy56U: This is a shitty pizza party.



After we each had a few more bites, the both of us finished off our first plates as Rainbow Dash asked me. “Hey, you want another piece?.” Nah I’m good, that was a pretty big slice; I’m stuffed!”



JofY: How about a mint?

SC276: No, that’s what the teddy bear says.

Crazy56U: You’re giving up after one slice, dude? (scoff) I’m surprised Rainbow still wants to date you. Rainbow’s eaten bigger pizzas than that.





Dash then immediately got up off her chair, going to get a second piece. Galloping with hast into the kitchen



ToonGuy: But not haste, for that would be too fast even for her.

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Hast’. Slightly faster than fast, slightly slower than haste.

SC276: They’re not eating in the same room as the pizza? Author, have you ever had pizza before?

Crazy56U: She then proceeded to slam her head into the counter again, causing more

oranges to fall.



and flying up to hover over the pizza box. Biting a piece by the crust with her teeth, she flew back to sit in her chair, continuing to eat while occasionally looking in my direction taking a sip of the mixed drink.



ToonGuy: For god’s sake, Dash, SWALLOW ONCE IN A WHILE! And yeah, I know.

Crazy56U: I hope ??? knows how to do the Heimlich maneuver...



Thinking to myself, I wondered just how a four foot tall Pegasi could have a bigger appetite than me?



Crazy56U: Fuck it, I’m reusing it:





(Must be from all that flying) I concluded.



ToonGuy: Well that was informative.

JofY: And now I know!

CaptainPipsqueak: “And knowing is half the battle!”

SC276: G-I-JOOOOOOOOOE!!

Crazy56U: Well… you’re not wrong...



The ambient light that was showing from a few candles I had lit in the middle of the table reflected off of her beautiful rainbow mane as she took an even longer sip from the straw in the mixed drink. “I returned in kind with taking an equally long sip from my glass as Rainbow Dash asked me in a soft and alluring tone.



ToonGuy: [Dash] “Pass the anchovies?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “You need a napkin, dude? You got pizza all over your

face…”



“So, I was wondering...”



“Have You ever wanted to know what it was like to fly like a Pegasus?”



JofY: No.

ToonGuy: Not really.

CaptainPipsqueak: Can’t say the thought ever struck me.

SC276: Pretty sure if I did, I’d risk dropping my laptop.

Crazy56U: No, but I have wondered what it would be like to be a dog, so...



Yeah actually, I always wondered what it was like to fly. “With wings” I mean.



Crazy56U: Bullshit, you want a jetpack and you know it.



A slight smile showed on her face at my nervousness to her question. “Well, It's kind of like driving really fast on a motorcycle only...Through the sky, and the feeling of your wings in the fast wind is amazing!”



ToonGuy: …...Really!? You….You didn’t want to edit this not one little bit?

Mononeko: Do you honestly expect ‘yes’ as an answer?

SC276: How do either of them know what driving a motorcycle is like?

Crazy56U: All I choose to take away from this is that I need to play “Super

Scribblenauts” again sometime...



Riding on jet streams and flying fast through clouds. "When I'm up there, It's like a whole other world.”



JofY: Oh, hai Alladin.



Dash said with wonder in her eyes, looking at me intently.



Mononeko: I’m sure looking at him has a purpose in some way.

Crazy56U: ...did Rainbow get a contact high?



“That sounds so amazing Dashie, you're making me want to have wings even more!” I told Her. “If you had wings, I think you'd be a natural born Wonderbolt!”



ToonGuy: As opposed to those poser born Wonderbolts.

Crazy56U: Or the modern day Icarus, crashing into the ground like a rock...



Rainbow Dash exclaimed, taking another sip of her drink. “Aw, thanks Dash. “But I’d never be as fast as you though.” I told the Rainbow mare as she thought for a minute, then saying in a bolstering tone. “Yeah, you’re probably right...”



“Classic Rainbow Dash”



JofY: Opposed to the Neo Rainbow Dash.

SC276: Neo Rainbow City.

Crazy56U: Oh God, she turned into G3 Rainbow Dash...



I thought, adding. “Well, now that I think about it, “ I could probably be able to pull off “four” sonic rainbooms in a row if I had wings!” I confidently told her.



Mononeko: I’m wondering, in which cartoon universe would he end up if he actually managed to do that?

SC276: Hopefully one where he dies instantly.

Crazy56U: No, you’d fly into some power lines and die instantly. Idiot.



“Yeah, that would probity happen on the same day I grew hands!” Dash said as we both then started laughing contagiously, almost falling out of our chairs as the rum and coke we’d been drinking seemed to make everything insanely funny.



ToonGuy: Well, I hope it was worth it. Alcohol poisoning is a bitch.

Crazy56U: (shakes head) If only Rainbow knew about Equestria Girls...



Coming to our senses at long last, Rainbow Dash began looking at me Intently, saying. “There are lots of ways of flying without wings ya know.” The mare told me as her eyes were becoming slightly glazed over from the alcohol. “Like taking Drugs?”



JofY: Yes.

ToonGuy: This is your writing ability on drugs.

SC276: (smashes stuff with a frying pan) And this is your school life…!

JofY: Sure, just break my things… Why is it only my shit that gets broken anyway?

ToonGuy: Because why not.

Crazy56U: (kicks table over) Because we like you.

CaptainPipsqueak: Also, our stuff’s too valuable to break. Seriously, dude; buy some better gear.

JofY: *unintelligible grumbling*

Nox: I’ll ship you some of my furniture for them to break in exchange for Magic the

Gathering cards.

JofY: Nah. I just need to hurt them back.





Crazy56U: ...rude, much?

JofY: YOU BREAK MY SHIT!

Nox: So, no magic cards then?

Crazy56U: Really rude!



I asked her, Immediately thinking of how stupid that sounded, looking away as I blushed from embarrassment. “No, guess again. “Dash said in a soft tone. “ Um, flying in a jet fighter?"



“Nope, try again stud."



JofY: Then I guess my stud finder is broken.

CaptainPipsqueak: What was that?

Crazy56U: Just be glad he didn’t reference Family Guy, I think they did a stud finder

joke once...



Rainbow Dash said, starting to run one of her hooves around the edges of the now almost empty glass, looking at me with a small grin as swat was starting to gather along the edges of my four head.



ToonGuy: First of all, FOUR HEADS?! Are you a Hydra? Secondly, SWAT’s a necessity for anything that has four heads!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, then, everything’s going just as it should be.

SC276: Why, because he’s going to get swatted?

Crazy56U: Well, yes, but not right now...



Now knowing if I didn't get the next guess right she would be probably get fed up.



Crazy56U: As she should have by now...



Of the two answers I had bouncing around my head, I knew one of them would probably just get me bucked upside the head,



Crazy56U: I fucking hate you.



and the other one would be correct.



ToonGuy: Or both of them are wrong….it’s an option.

Crazy56U: Ironically, they were both the same question...



I quickly went with my gut, unsure of my answer as I looked into Dash's eyes and said…



Mononeko: “I’d like to use a lifeline”

Crazy56U: [???] “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

Nox: This might take him awhile.



End of Chapter 2.



JofY: ...That’s an odd thing to say.

CaptainPipsqeak: Especially out loud. Think he’s drunk?

Crazy56U: Ah, the cliffhanger. The cheapest way to make tension ever...



Chapter Three: To Dance With A Rainbow



SC276: In the pale moonlight?

Crazy56U: “Dancing With The Stars” sure is getting desperate...



“Um, dancing? I asked, continuing to look at her nervously. “Correct!”



JofY: ...That’s bullshit!

ToonGuy: She spent all night coming up with those questions.

Crazy56U: Yay, he wins the prize! More story!

Nox: I think more questions would have been a better prize.

Crazy56U: Well, this isn’t a good game show, so...



Dash said with an enthusiastic look on Her face. “I uh, I never really danced before Dash.” I told her as I looked at the ever grinning Pegasus. “You never danced before, seriously!” Added Rainbow Dash.



SC276: And you have?

Crazy56U: Yes, Rainbow, he can’t dance. He can’t talk. Only thing about him is the way that he walks.



“Well ya know, I've never really danced with (anyone) persay.



SC276: I don’t think you understand how emphasis works.

JofY: Persay.

Crazy56U: Teach us about emphasis, Josh.



“But. if a song's really good, I've been known to get down pretty hard!



JofY: Aka, faint, foaming at the mouth.

ToonGuy: Oh we know how you ‘go down’ Dashie.

JofY: Yeah, I just said, faint, foaming at the mouth.

Crazy56U: In fact, here’s a song that ??? probably likes!



um, by myself that is… “By yourself huh? is that a code word for something?” Rainbow Dash asked with a smirk, turning her head slightly to the side.



JofY: Yes, correct. Dancing does indeed mean masturbation.

Crazy56U: Yep, it’s code for “doing meth”.



“What? no!” I said hastily.



JofY: “I’m a pure snowflake!”

Crazy56U: [???] “I don’t even own a DDR game!”



“I'm sure you've been dancing a lot of times before,” I asked her quickly.



JofY: “...By dancing, you mean sex, right?”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Mmmmmmmaybe…?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “No.”



“Well, maybe sometimes when I go to clubs with the Wonderbolts after the stunt shows. Those party's can get pretty crazy!”



JofY: And by that- Okay, this joke is starting to get stupid.

Crazy56U: Yeah, the club can’t even handle ‘em, they get so nuts...



But I have to confess, I never really dance with anypony when I go with them,” I usually just own the whole dance floor by myself with the moves I can pull off!.”



JofY: “Nobody else can dance while I’m on stage!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Literally. I used to think Twilight was a terrible dancer.

SC276: How can you be awesome at solo dancing and not think you have the rhythm for dancing with a partner?

Crazy56U: So, in other words, you don’t know how to dance?



Rainbow Dash said with the utmost confidence. “Really?, I'd love to see some of those moves.”



JofY: Oh, it’s up, up, up, up, up, up, up………

Mononeko: down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start?

SC276: ~Now I’ll play you all night~

Crazy56U: No, Rainbow, you gotta say it like this: SHOW ME YA MOVES!



I uttered with every ounce of confidence I could muster up. “It Was probably the alcohol talking at that moment I thought; but that wasn't really a big deal seeing as how I was probably about to dance with Rainbow Dash!



JofY: There is no greater dancer!

SC276: Has evidence been shown that Rainbow can dance?

Nox: TAKE THAT! I think this shows that Rainbow can indeed dance.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, just shut up and dance, already!



Looking down at my empty glass for a moment and then looking over to see the Pegasus take one more swig from the bottle of rum sitting on the table,



Mononeko: “Man, I need to sober up.”



Rainbow Dash said. “Man this stuff is great!.” As I took a drink from the bottle itself just after her I added. “Only the best for you Dashie!”



SC276: They have glasses, author! Are you telling me they’re that lightweight?



“Shut up...” Rainbow Dash said playfully as she started galloping over, putting her hoof in my hand and dragging me out of my chair, walking over into the living room beside her, clearly very excited as you could imagine.



JofY: Too bad I don’t have an imagination.

ToonGuy: I had one once. I had to put it down.



“So Dash, what shall we dance to?” I asked her. “I don't know, something with a hard beat!” said the excited Pegasi. “I like to feel the music moving through my body while I dance.”



SC276: Will it leave holes?



“Oh really?” I said sarcastically, not being surprised at Dash's answer in the least. “I think I have just the song, I told her as I walked over to my entertainment center, turning on a wireless speaker then syncing it up with my music player, quickly through the various playlists I had on my device.



SC276: Can’t even commit to a specific one?



As I continued to scroll through them, I came across one that said “Equestrian Rave” I had created that was full of DJ Pon 3's remixes and dance tracks.



JofY: Because she came to Earth to learn more about Equestria.

SC276: How’d he even get that? There’s no evidence that the ponies brought anything from Equestria.

Nox: OBJECTION! The evidence clearly contradicts your testimony.



Not knowing what song to play in the long list of tracks, I decided to put it on shuffle hoping that there would be a track hard hitting enough for the rainbow mare to dance to.



JofY: Que slow romantic songs.

SC276: I see you’re going with my usual Yugioh strategy of “leave everything to chance.”



One of the things we’d love to do when she visited was sharing the music from our two worlds with one another, Vinyl Scratch herself had modded my iPod so that their technology could work with it and ours with theirs.



JofY: Unfortunately, it went against the Terms of Service and he was sent into slavery soon after that. If only he read before accepting...

SC276: That should literally only be so difficult as converting file types, right?



That DJ sure was an innovator in her craft, I’d love to see one of her shows some time, If only I could...



SC276: What would happen if Rainbow Dash held one end of a really long cable while world-hopping? Would one end go through that he could plug into his TV and get a live camera feed, or would the entire cable go with her? Why is the story having some sappy romance thing I’m already bored of instead of answering the hard questions?!



I had given Rainbow Dash my old fourth gen iPod when I got the newer model, and It quicky became something she couldn't live without.



JofY: Rainbow, we’re here to talk about your addiction to music.

ToonGuy: This is an intervention. We’ve banned all Metallica songs from here.

Fallen Prime: Overruled. Gimme fuel, gimme fire, etc.



Always playing tracks from Sia or some Nightcore beats while she practiced for upcoming Wonderbolts shows, which sounded a lot like equestrian music due to the pitch raised vocals.



Waterpear: Equestria: the one place that actually likes Alvin and the Chipmunks.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hell, they probably vacation there.



Dash and me pretty much had the same taste when it came to music so she'd always love to discover what I was listening to as I did the amazing music from her world.



SC276: Oh just fuck already.



"The song now starting to play and slowly building up the beat.



JofY: Unfortunately it was supposed to be a slow song and the player was broken.



I saw Rainbow Dash getting into position in the middle of my living room, seeing that we had more than enough space around us to dance. As the beat continued picking up, I saw her back start to move in sync with the music, along with her head and shoulders, as her amazing rainbow mane and tail moved to the ever increasing bass of the electric EDM track.



Waterpear: “the electric electronic dance music.”



It was at this point that I decided to join in, walking up nervously toward Rainbow Dash from behind, with the music starting to vibrate through me as well as the whole house.



ToonGuy: Seconds later, the house exploded. Turns out that’s not really a good thing.

JofY: This is why you shouldn’t buy your house on a fault line.



Dash was up on two hooves now,



Mononeko: Clearly struggling to stand upright and risking getting back injuries.

SC276: What pony dance moves would require standing like that?



moving her front hooves and head from side to side and whipping her prismatic hair back and forth



SC276: She whips- nah, too easy.



as the music played and the EDM track climbed up faster and faster. As I was approaching her, Rainbow Dash immediately turned around,



JofY: Hitting him.

Mononeko: Breaking his skull, causing him to bleed to death? *crosses fingers*



her eyes half closed, clearly enjoying the sound of the music as it vibrated through her whole body.



ToonGuy: I’ll have what’s she having.



“I started to move my hands and shoulders, attempting to keep up her, but Dash clearly knew what she was doing, moving in an ever faster rhythm to the music.



JofY: Everything was out of sync.

SC276: The faster they dance, the more bored I get.



The cyan Pegasus then put her front hooves around the sides of my waist, as I returned with putting my hands on her soft cyan back, making her two wings twitch from my touch beside them. Dash now began to grind up and down furiously against me,



ToonGuy: Well that’s forward. Usually you’d have to pay for someone to do that to you.

SC276: Are we sure she knows how to dance?



feeling the soft coat on her back moving back and forth across my hands as we danced in rhythm to the song, our body's in perfect sync with one another with the dance track continuing to get even more intense by the second.



SC276: I don’t think this author knows how music intensity works.



Rainbow Dash now began to flap her wings and hover off the ground so that she could be the same height as me,



SC276: Have fun dancing when your feet aren’t even on the freakin’ floor!



as I begun to look deep into her dark magenta eyes, as she looked back ever intensely into mine.



SC276: Which were of indeterminate color, apparently.



I noticed looking at Dash that her mane and coat were starting to get slightly matted from all the sweat that was building up from dancing as long we had been, which was sexy as anything to me.



ToonGuy: “Sweat just kinda turns me on…..don’t ask.”

JofY: I’ve seen weirder.



I then whispering in her ear said, “You have some awesome moves Dashie.” Still looking into my eyes she returned with. “Thanks stud, so do you!.”



SC276: Gag me.



With the extended song we’d been dancing to slowly winding down, another truck came on right after it,



JofY: Wait, wha? *truck crashes in*

Nox: There isn’t anything left to break now.

JofY: At least I don’t own the room.

SC276: When suddenly, semi-rig!



this time being a slower electric chill out song that started to play Think, by Kaleida. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkhSZyYmpO4



SC276: Yeah sure, you put a link to this song, and not the other one.

Crazy56U: Heh, nice hyperlinking bud.



Still holding the Pegasus close to me, we started to dance slower.



JofY: Completely out of beat.

ToonGuy: And much like the beat, they couldn’t stop it.

SC276: The beat goes on.

Crazy56U: And on. And on. And on. And fuck that mini-game.



Seeing that her wings had gotten too tired to flap anymore and her breathing had got heavy and steady, she slowly rested down in my arms with her wings coming to a standstill altogether against my back, consoling me gently.



ToonGuy: He won’t be the only one needing consoling after this.

SC276: Wait, I thought they were facing each other. What dance requires one to be behind the other?

JofY: Oh come on, you don’t need to be so analytical.

Crazy56U: (chokes back vomit)



End of chapter 3.



Chapter Four: The World Famous Wing Masseuse



Waterpear: Yep, this chapter is a totally innocent “massage” with no erotic subtext whatsoever.

ToonGuy: Obviously! Why would we mention it otherwise?

JofY: We can’t truly express how little sexual imagery there isn’t in this chapter.

SC276: How can he be world-famous for wing massages, given the world doesn’t know about IRL ponies as evidenced by Rainbow hiding from us- I mean the pizza guy?

Crazy56U: So, in other words… skip this chapter? ...‘k!.



I Held Dashie in my arms, with her head resting just below my neck and on my chest, as she looked up at me and smiled with a look of content in her violet eyes, slowly wrapping her cyan wings around my back.



JofY: We get it! They’re looking at each other, and Dash can’t leave her wings in her pants!

ToonGuy: That sounds super painful.



Pulling herself closer to me, she asked in a quiet tone. “So, how was your first dance?. “You were amazing Dashie!” I told her as she then returned with. “You weren't to bad yourself”



ToonGuy: Why don’t you have her smoke a goddamn cigarette while you’re at it?!



Dash said, resting her head back down onto chest, her beautiful rainbow mane cascading over my hands as I held her closely in my arms.



ToonGuy: *pulls out SWAT gear and puts it on* I. AM. READY. Bring it on.

JofY: What have I said about interfering with the fic?

ToonGuy: BUT…..*throws gear off and starts sulking* Fine.

Nox: You’re in my way, sir.

SC276: This is sounding like some of my own affection RPing, except I give a shit about the characters in those.



The warmth from her cyan coat seemed to warm up my entire body as my left hand held her between her wings, slowly petting them and causing Rainbow Dash to quietly uttered under her breath. “That feels so, ugh, so good.” Slowly, I started to walk over to the couch in the living room, sitting down with the tired Pegasus laying up closely against me. I felt that her wings were quivering slightly beside my hands, causing me to say. “Hey um, Dashie.



JofY: “Are you wearing a vibe right now?”



Those wings must be sore from dancing for that time, did You want me to help take the pain away.?



ToonGuy: And now we’re going into Old Yeller territory. The answer to that question is yes.



“How would you do that?” she added, curiosity looking up at me.



ToonGuy: With a shotgun, I assume.

SC276: Or, barring that, an explosive.



“Why, by giving you one of my world famous wing massages of course!” I exclaimed.



Mononeko: “Because clearly I have experience in giving erotic massages to horses!”

SC276: [Snoopy] “Here is the world-famous wing masseuse on his way to see his next patient.”



Dash then softly chuckled “I’d love You to, that (yawns) sounds awesome.” she whispered, clearly very tired from dancing.



ToonGuy: Or she’s not that into you.



“Dash’s wings then slowly folded back up from the embrace they had around by back as she winced in pain slightly from their action. “Poor Dash, so sore from dancing as long as we did” I thought to myself



SC276: Giving she was on her hind legs the entire time, I thought those would be the most worn-out parts of her body.

JofY: No, no, no. Don’t you know? The part of the body that feels sore never has correlation with what actually is used!



then telling her. “I'll take your pain away, you just relax, OK?”



ToonGuy: No person in history has ever said those words and not been a creep.

Mononeko: Or a serial killer.

Nox: Or a creepy serial killer.

JofY: Or someone who doesn’t know how normal people talk.



She then slowly crawled off of my chest where she'd been resting and laid down on her back, facing away from me on the couch and laying her head on one of the throw pillows down the end, the slow song continuing to play quietly in the background.



ToonGuy: Ye GODS, JUST SCREW EACH OTHER ALREADY.

SC276: Why did he take any chance of getting slow songs if he was initially aiming for high-energy ones? And why are they letting the music continue after they're done dancing?



Her fluffy rainbow colored tail moved back and forth, tickling my leg while her two back hooves gradually stretched out, touching the sides of me as she got more comfortable.



JofY: Is this going to turn into tickle porn of all things?

SC276: Anything to make this shit more interesting. Hell, I think I want freakin’ Slenderman back.



I began to lift both my hands up now, positioning them over her back and slowly resting them down on either side of her wings.



JofY: “KAMI…”



The Pegasus's cyan fur seemed to glow with luminescence from the moonlight that was cascading in from the window,



ToonGuy: AAAAH! SHE’S A STEPHANIE MEYER CHARACTER!!! KILL IT!!!

SC276: The afterglow comes after the sex, author! And I’m not actually sure it’s a real thing regardless!

JofY: She’s nuclear! That can’t be good!



making her appear all the more beautiful as I started moving my hands up her sour wings, rubbing in little circles up to the center of the secondary feathers then stretching my arms slowly up her back massaging them ever so gently as to not hurt the Pegasus.



ToonGuy: You’re hurting us! But I suppose you don’t care about that!



Continuing to the primary feathers on her folded up wings, I moving back-and-forth over Dash’s back, feeling the soft fur of her coat rubbing against my forearm yet again, until I felt her wings gradually begin to relax from my motions and unfold even more from there half closed state.



ToonGuy: You know, this has to be the most prolonged wing boner I’ve seen.

SC276: Are we having fun yet.



I now began to move my hands up either sides of Rainbow Dashes now;



JofY: Ack! *gets flooded by Rainbow Dashes*

Mononeko: Oh my god, they’re everywhere!



fully erect wings,



JofY: Show me on the doll where the wing touched you.



applying a gentle amount of pressure as I felt around the edges of each one of her outer feathers moving on to the primaries just after,



JofY: Oh, god. Do I need to know anything about anonymity to read this?



rubbing them in between my fingers as she grasped from my actions.



JofY: Ah, premature ejactulation.

SC276: Do we have to sit through every detail of this. When you can’t even describe what your main character looks like.



Really getting to see them extended to their full span was an incredible sight to behold, and the moonlight shining through the window just made them look well... “20% cooler.”



Waterpear: Than what, a volcano?

ToonGuy: Than Firecrotch McGee over here with his deadly masseuse hands.



Continuing to work out the tension from her aching wings, I heard a soft moan coming from the mare who was still laying face down on the couch.



JofY: Dat memory foam.



Now digging her forehooves into the arm of sofa as her body quivered from the sensations I was giving her,



ToonGuy: Okay, this is just getting boring…..

SC276: Gee, ya think.



continuing to massage around her entire left and right wings simultaneously with my hands grasping each of them slightly and slowly working my way down the various feathers to the two bottom joints then moving my hands deeply into the base of where they met her back, the place I could tell she was most tense being a trained wing masseuse and all like I was. (OK that was a lie... but I was clearly doing something right)



ToonGuy Unfortunately for you, because you weren’t trained, you missed the signs that you weren’t massaging her wings, you were actually snapping her spine.

JofY: Yes, if you were a proper masseuse, you’d know that the spine is located in the wing.

ToonGuy: His grasp of Pony Biology is as good as mine.



“Slowly, I pressed my two hands under the base of her wings feeling her soft coat yet again as I worked them in gentle circular motions, now applying some more pressure as Rainbow Dash whispered in a soft voice. “Yeah that's the spot right ugh, there.”



ToonGuy: God, if this is how she is when being massaged, I’d hate to see her when... ACTUAL SEX IS HAPPENING. Which at this rate should be in about March of next year.



Groaning slightly from the feeling of her pain slowly being massaged away, as I continued to work on her wings for a few more moments, gradually coming to a stop.



JofY: As her life, came to an end.

SC276: Can we go home yet?



I looked at Rainbow Dash's face to see just how relaxed she had become from the massage, beginning to smile with content at the amazingly blissful look on her face, pain free at last and on cloud nine,



JofY: I honestly have to wonder what’s wrong with the 8th cloud?



no pun intended ; )



Waterpear: You’re only allowed to use that smiley in narration if you’re Aaron from Undertale.

SC276: And given you’re not using all the time, you most certainly are not.



I then gazed up at the clock on the wall to find out it was almost two AM in the morning, we had so much fun that night I didn't want it end!



JofY: Don’t you dare be another one to try and break time!

SC276: I don’t know what time you started, but I highly doubt eating dinner, dancing to like three songs max - unless all three were that one song that had to be split into like twelve parts for Rock Band - and giving a massage would last you until two in the morning. From dinner time.



sometimes I wish I could just freeze time to make moments like these last just a little bit longer, if only for a minute or two.



SC276: Oh god no, you’ll bore us to death.



I thought, still gazing at the beautiful Pegasus lying on the couch smiling with content in her state of absolute bliss.



End of chapter 4.



Crazy56U: Goody.



Chapter Five: The Confession



ToonGuy: Is it an apology? Because that’s the only thing that can marginally make me feel better right now.

Mononeko: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...”

Crazy56U: “Forgive me Fa-” DAMN IT, you stole my joke...

Nox: ” I keep telling you, this is an outhouse! The confessional is that way.”

SC276: ~I guess I gotta give you part five of my confessions...~



Rainbow Dash then slowly turned around and sat up next to me, placing one of her hooves in my hand and resting her head against my shoulder.



JofY: Is there a bomb attached to the two, and if they’re ever not touching then they explode?

Crazy56U: What a journey.



Whispering to me in a soft tone she said “Hey, thanks for an awesome time tonight. You really are a world famous wing masseuse.”



ToonGuy: Can’t be world famous if no one knows who the hell you are.

JofY: What even is your name?

Crazy56U: I’ve pretty much established that it’s ???. Like that one character in The

Binding of Isaac...

Nox: I just realized that I could be playing that right now. Why the HELL am I not playing that right now!?

SC276: Because you’re playing Undertale?

Nox: No… that was last week. This week, I’m playing The Consuming Shadow: Insanity Edition.



she added with a light smile. I said nothing as I begun to stroke her beautiful rainbow mane, feeling its softness and watching the colors flow across my hand as she nuzzled her head into me.



ToonGuy: Why don’t you just SNIFF the damn hair and get it over with?

Crazy56U: Now, now, that would be crossing a line...



With everything that had happened that night, I felt compelled as ever to tell her just how much I loved her.



JofY: Not at all.

Crazy56U: Trust me, you don’t want to do that.



Over the past few months I could feel that we were growing closer,



JofY: Well of course, living things do grow after periods of time.

Crazy56U: And sometimes they die.



they always did say that the best relationships start out as friendships,



SC276: I’ve heard… literally the exact opposite.



and here I was with the most amazing Pegasus a guy could ask for.



ToonGuy: Really? You sure about that?

SC276: I thought Derpy was best pegasus?



The nicest, most loyal friend I'd ever met.



JofY: Fluttershy?

Crazy56U: Gummy?

Mononeko: Angel?



It was killing me not saying anything over past few weeks.



JofY: It literally gave him cancer.

Crazy56U: He has cancer of the dialogue. Heard that did a number on Attack of the

Clones...



But now, I'd hit my breaking point, I needed to tell her my feelings, if I didn't say anything right now I would never forgive myself!



SC276: This is like the visual novel school of writing or something. Which reminds me of something I’d rather be doing with Scarlet right now...



I needed to tell this beautiful mare how I felt about her! how much I loved, and wanted to be with her!



ToonGuy: You really don’t.



Now gathering up as much courage as I could, getting ready to say something, she all of a sudden tilted her head up slightly to look at me. “So I was thinking, we've been seeing each other for a while now and...she stopped her next words suddenly.



SC276: Oh joy, they were both going to confess at the exact same time, isn’t that fucking something, they’re perfect for each other.



“What is it? I asked, continuing to caressed her rainbow mane. “Nothing,” Dash said with a sigh as I was getting mesmerized by her violet eyes. “Come on, tell me. You can tell me anything you know,” I returned with a caring tone in my voice petting her gently on the head.



ToonGuy: [Dash] “Patronize me again like that and you’ll be spitting glass for a week!”

SC276: Also, the guy was just going over in his head that he needed to confess his love right the fuck now, and yet he’s letter her talk.



Rainbow Dash then uttered nervously.



“I was just um…”



JofY: Hey, guys… The fic is starting to become misaligned.

Crazy56U: (straps self into seat) Yeah, how about that…

SC276: Wait, those are in the source?!



“ Was going to say…”



JofY: *trips* Guys! A little help here?

Crazy56U: (passes over an umbrella) Here, it works in the

cartoons.

SC276: *clings to Crazy’s seat*



“I LOVE YOU!”



JofY: *slips* AH

HH

H!

!!

Mononeko: Hey, are you down here too?

ToonGuy: What, but you were so subtle about it. Also, what’s it like down there?

Mononeko: Dark, creepy and completely devoid of any happiness.

CaptainPipsqueak: So, not worth the trip, then?

Mononeko: Nah, just stay up here and you’ll be fine.

Crazy56U: ...well, that was fun!

SC276: And the plot went pretty much exactly as expected, sparing the main character any requirement of effort and completely ruining the character of Rainbow Dash. Is next week Catch again? Can we just go to that so I can freakin’ feel something?



Rainbow Dash all of a sudden exclaimed loudly with great relief in her voice, finally able to get out her feelings out at long last. I just grinned at her words, knowing now that she did care about me as much as I did for her. Not saying another word and still looking into her eyes, I told her with sincerity.



ToonGuy: “Let’s go defile nature.”

Crazy56U: Yeah! Fuck you Captain Planet!

SC276: “By your powers combined, I am blowing this popsicle stand!”



“I love you too Dashie, I always have from the moment I met you, you're the most amazing, caring, and best friend I could ask for!



JofY: “And then I met anybody else.”



and I've been holding in these feelings for too long, I should've told you how I felt weeks ago and…” Rainbow Dash placed her hoof on my mouth,



ToonGuy: I hope she washed it.



stopping my next sentence. “It's OK” she uttered with a soft tone in her voice, then right after getting up from where she had been sitting and climbed on top of me, straddling herself around my waist and placing her forehooves on either side of my neck, while her back hooves wrapped themselves tightly around my sides.



ToonGuy: I’d say we’re skipping a few steps, but we just had massage sex practically, so… yeah.

Mononeko: Oh Jesus, here it comes...

SC276: Watch, this is going to be as dull at the rest of the fic.



She then caressed my cheeks in a caring motion with the back end of her left hoof as she began to move her face ever closer to mine.



JofY: Wow. That is incredibly not sexy.



I didn't hesitate for a second, meeting the Pegasus halfway, gently kissing the mare I cared about so much at long last.



ToonGuy: …..Must be awkward doing that. Biology be DAMNED!



Rainbow Dash applied more pressure to my lips and I returned with equally as much,



JofY: Causing the two to actually fuse.

SC276: Like in that first Pikachu short with the Raichu, except less electric mice.



feeling her hot breath against my skin as she pushed me back into the couch, the moonlight still shining through the window outside making her cyan coat glow luminescent yet again as we continued to kiss passionately for a few more moments.



ToonGuy: For god’s sake, how much hair oil is in her fur right now!?

JofY: All of the oil.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a match) One way to find out...



We finally released our lips from what felt like an eternity, the both of us still breathing heavily from what just happened. “You're an amazing kisser, that was so awesome!” Rainbow Dash said catching her breath as she placed her hooves on my head gently stroking my hair as I begun to stroke her rainbow mane, looking deep into her magenta eyes. “You were pretty awesome too.”



JofY: “I know.”

SC276: You just kissed, you haven’t gotten to the actual sex yet.

Crazy56U: I could be spending my time doing better things. Like watching this again.



I told her out of breathy with sincerity in my voice continuing to run my hands down her soft mane, watching the colors move past my arm. Rainbow Dash looked up at me for a moment and then started to say.



ToonGuy: [Dash] “Any pizza left?”

SC276: [Dash] “This unit will self-destruct in 3… 2...”



“Hey, I need to tell you something, but I. I don’t know if I should…” The Rainbow mare told me with a concerned look at her face.



JofY: [Dash] “I’m pregnant.”...Oh, GOD I’M JOKING! I’M JOKING!

Crazy56U: (smacks JofY in the face) Don’t tempt fate.



“What is it?.” I asked, kind of thinking that it had something to do with what happened back in the kitchen earlier, and how Dash acting strange like she was possibly hiding something, but what?



ToonGuy: The fact that she’s into you? Maybe? Perhaps? Not adding actual plot, are we?

SC276: I’m already losing track of the fic. Didn’t they already confess their love for each other?



“Okay, but please don’t be mad, Rainbow Dash said worryingly. “I’d never get mad at you Dashie, remember, you can tell me anything. “I love you so much and there is nothing we can’t talk about.” I told her reassuringly as she began to relax, if even a small bit, knowing that my words were the truth, giving me a quick kiss on the lips before saying. “I know dude.”



ToonGuy: “DUDE! Righteous!”

SC276: Get on with it!



“OK. Do you remember a few weeks ago when I told You that um, humans couldn't crossover into our world.” She said turning away from me. “Well, It, (sighs) It was a lie...”



ToonGuy: [???] “You know what else was a lie? Me not getting MAD!!!”

JofY: “There’s even a ‘Human in Equestria’ tag.”

SC276: [Dash] “I’m surprised I had to tell you. The fact that there’s no actual reason given for why this stuff would only work one-way was an obvious giveaway.”

JofY: To be fair, there could be any number of B.S. reasons either way.



A few tears started falling from her eyes at those words as she continued. “Twilight had told me to say that after Princess Celestia agreed with the royal counsel that no human would ever be allowed to cross into our dimension because of the fears that war, violence, and disease, may destroy our world Equestria, as we know it.



SC276: [Dash] “Basically, we don’t trust your shit.”

ToonGuy: Yeah! It’s not like anything bad could come from their universe, right? All they have a superpowered evil sides of them, chaos gods, an entire race that feeds off love that can turn into anyone they want, a evil so dark it was sealed in a pit and guarded by Cerberus, time travel that could alter the course of history and did we mention the paraspites!?

JofY: To be fair, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t protect themselves.



They all agreed that If humans knew about our world and knew they could travel to it, It would put all our lives in danger.”



SC276: To be fair, the military would be researching the hell out of the combat uses of magic really quickly. It’d be the Cold War all over again.



She explained to me as more and more tears fell from her eyes, continuing to tell me everything of this revealed truth.



SC276: Why is she crying? Because she feels bad about lying to him or something?



“And so, when Twilight would borrow your books, she wasn’t just reading them herself, but also “reporting” what she had learned to the royal counsel,



JofY: [Twilight] “I have seen from their literature that some people are able to show how they fight if they are pierced by an arrow!”

SC276: Does this mean that ponies are now basically Undyne?



who then had Vinyl Scratch put a device in that iPod you gave me that would download information in real time from your worlds internet to their database to further research human history.



ToonGuy: So they’re all evil now?

JofY: Those damn evil humans! If only they could be changed into ponies.

SC276: OK, uh, one, breach of privacy. Two, iPods - distinct from iPhones - can’t connect to the Internet on their own far as I know. Three, why would a DJ know how to do that?



Only coming to the conclusion that no human would be allowed to come into our world after witnessing all the wars and plagues that humans had gone through in history.”



JofY: To be fair, all of the violence in Equestria only happens every thousand years.

Crazy56U: And/or the beginning and end of every season.



Rainbow Dash now looks back at me, her red from from all the tears, saying.



ToonGuy: HEEEY, YEYAY, YAYYAY, HEY, YEAH, YAY, I SAY HEY! What’s going on?!

SC276: ~Oh my god do I cry…!~



“And they only wanted me to tell you this lie, to make you think that it was impossible to travel to our world when Twilight had noticed how close you and me were getting and they knew that you would trust me to tell the truth!” She says, before throwing herself into me, hugging my chest tightly as I feel her trembling against me.



ToonGuy: Rainbow Dash, quivering fragile daisy? *beat* BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right, good one.

JofY: Oh, cry me a river.

SC276: I’d probably feel a bigger emotional impact if it wasn’t an overly-long sentence with unnatural word choice.



“Rainbow Dash’s eyes continued to water, a few tears dripping onto my shirt, pulling away before telling me. “Look, I get it if you don't want to see me anymore. I um, I can just go back to my world right now if you want me to. I’ll understand if you never want to “sniffles” see me, I know I wouldn't…” Dash now looked up at me, as if she was about to lose someone close to her.



ToonGuy: Oooh, we still got any of those world’s smallest violins still left?

JofY: I’ve got one of the largest.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a banjo) This counts, right?

SC276: When in any story ever has a revelation that’s this much not-her-fault prevented a sex scene?



Gazing back at her emotionally exhausted face, I tried to comprehend everything she’d just told me,



ToonGuy: And failed. Miserably.

Mononeko: Just like the readers.

Crazy56U: And then his brain exploded.

CaptainPipsqueak: Twice.



thinking of how wrong it was to put a burden this heavy on her like they had, but also at the same time, understanding what Twilight and Celestia were afraid of. Over the years I’ve seen the worst of mankind, but also the best of what we could be.



ToonGuy: OH MY GOD, SHUT THE HELL UP. SERIOUSLY. I know we were joking, but IS THIS A STEALTH PREQUEL TO CONVERSION BUREAU?

JofY: All fics are… All fics are.

Crazy56U: Just like how all TV shows supposedly take place in Tommy Westphall’s

mind, all fanfics take place in “The Conversion Bureau”.

SC276: Dude, unless you were alive to see the bombs drop on Japan, I really don’t think you’ve seen the worst of humanity.



Although with the thought of possibly never getting to see their world saddened me, I knew all I ever needed to make me the happiest guy in my world was sitting right in front of me, crying her eyes out.



ToonGuy: You want her to be crying her eyes out? Dick.

SC276: Also, she’s on her own TV cartoon show, so you can see her world there. I mean, c’mon.



Realizing then, at that very moment, that just because I could never go to their world (legally anyway,)



SC276: Wait, isn’t Dash on the lam from her own dimension for coming here in the first place?



Doesn’t mean I couldn't live my life by their message of acceptance and peace



JofY: Yes, their message of peace, and acceptance, and don’t come near me you violent sicko.



and also, that friendship was magic, the most powerful magic in the known universe by that matter. I had met the most meaningful friend and now mare-friend I’ll ever meet with Dash, and that’s all that mattered to me. And even though their world was just a few dimensions away,



I felt like our species was still a long way from Equestria, as I once heard in a song.



SC276: What song?



Thinking that maybe someday, we'll be ready to accept a peaceful world like they had made, overcoming differences and accepting each other for who they are, something my world still needed to understand a great deal.



ToonGuy: Are you finished moralizing?



But I feel someday. No, I know someday, we will all be in a peaceful world.



ToonGuy: You haven’t? Okay then. I’ll just go and drink myself into a coma.

JofY: ...Are you going to force me to pull out the Superman 4 ending speech?

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh bullshit; everyone knows there were only two Superman movies.

Crazy56U: Technically three if you count The Iron Giant...

SC276: I’m pretty sure humanity’s going to have a tough time synchronizing on a True Pacifist run...



If Equestria could change from a war torn world where Pony's fought and died over land much like we have done countless times in our own past and still continue to do.



SC276: What evidence is there that Equestria had a violent history?! I mean, sure, there was that stuff depicted in the Hearth’s Warming play, but that wasn’t over land rights!



To the incredible world of love and peace they have today, I knew there was hope that my planet could change.



JofY: And there will be peace. There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them. ...You just made me quote Superman 4. I hope you’re happy.



And I wanted Rainbow Dash, the love of life right by my side so that we could witness that day, together.



Mononeko: Dear god, would you please shut up!

ToonGuy: CAPTAIN PLANET WAS MORE SUBTLE THAN YOU!



Coming to this realization I quickly put my hands around the the saddened Pegasus and pulled her close to me, hugging her tightly and saying, “Never want to see me again? Dash look.”



JofY: “I’m blind.”

SC276: That’s not even the right quote.



I told her as she looked into my eyes unsure of what I was about to say.



SC276: That’s because he hasn’t said it yet. It’s called “the natural flow of time.”



“Just because I’m not allowed to go to your world, doesn't mean I don’t want to see you again.” I told her, wiping the tears away from her sad violet eyes. “I understand that us as a people, well we have a lot of growing up to do, and I feel we could learn a lot from your would Dashie.



SC276: [narrator] “Which is why we have a little girl’s TV show about it.”



I know this, because I have.” Rainbow Dash then added, “But that's just the thing, you’d never hurt any of us, I don’t understand why they can't just let you come. It’s not fair!” She exclaimed.



SC276: Dude, you’ve met, like, one guy. Who’s a generic nice-guy self-insert OC.



Then, she told me something that I'll never forget.



“All my life I felt like I’ve been searching for something that was missing and, I’d thought I’d found it when I got accepted as leader of the Wonderbolts last Year.



JofY: “And I did! Bye!”



You see, even though I was now living the dream I had ever since I was just a filly, I still felt like something was missing from my life.



ToonGuy: [Dash] “My contact lenses, I’m blind as Flutterbat without them.”



But when I first met you, I knew right then and there that I had found it, I just, I love you so much dude. I never want to leave you.” Rainbow Dash said



SC276: [Dash] “Which is good, because I’m still kinda a fugitive from pony law.”



then starting to blush nervously having just told me how she felt.



ToonGuy: Thanks, I never would have guessed.



I then moved my hands up her shoulders, feeling the soft fur on her neck, holding her close and looking deeply into her eyes, kissing her on the forehead. “Dash, I felt the same way when I first met you, these past three months have been amazing and I don’t want some silly law to get in the way of us being happy. “I Love You with all my heart Dashie and I’m not going to let anything change that for us.”



ToonGuy: You’re STILL GOING?!

SC276: You know what one of the best parts of There She Is!, a web series about forbidden love, was? It didn’t have babbling-on dialogue.



Thinking of what to say for a few seconds, Rainbow Dash told me with a smile of contentment, “You’re right, I’m not either. Buck that stupid law!



JofY: Fuck Twilight!... Wait…

Crazy56U: Fuck the police!

SC276: Disregard the constabulary!



I just need you, and by Celestia if anything is going to change that…”



SC276: So, does that mean you’re willing to throw away your past friendships that have been helping keep Equestria safe for five seasons? Expected behavior at his juncture.



Dash told me with passion in her voice, right after moving herself closer to my face, kissing me as passionately as the words she had just spoken.



ToonGuy: So it was like kissing a cold wet fish.

SC276: And again with the kissing, oy!



I returned in kind, expressing my love for the fastest Pegasus in all of Equestria.



SC276: If you’re using turn of phrases like that, that’s the sign you’re being too verbose for your vocabulary to support.



Breaking off the kiss a few moments later as Dash told me slyly. “That gets better every time.” she said right before I added. “It sure does.”



ToonGuy: Does it though? DOES IT REALLY? I think you’re talking out of your ass.



Looking over at clock on the wall again, I saw it was almost four am and even if we wanted to go further, I could tell she was really tired at this point, just as tired as I had become.



JofY: Aww… Aren’t we going to see some sex?

SC276: You’ve just spent two hours or so kissing and crying? Gheeze, stamina of a beast.



From everything we said and did tonight, It would sure be a night I’d remember for the rest of my life. I thought looking at my Dashie.



ToonGuy: OH GET ON WITH IT.

JofY: Yes! Get on with it!



For the few times she did end up spending the night in my home, I had set up an air mattress in the spare bedroom upstairs next to mine for Her to sleep in.



Mononeko: What a waste of a perfectly good air mattress…

JofY: I got to imagine that a pony would be heavy as hell. How did a mattress support her?

SC276: What, she can’t sleep on Earth clouds or something?



But, what now?



JofY: ‘Guess I should just kill her.’

SC276: Congratulations, author, you admit you had no plan whatsoever going into this story.



I thought gently petting her soft mane. “Well it's getting late I said in sleepy tone “We’d better get to bed huh.” Not knowing how she’d respond. “Rainbow Dash suddenly picked her head up and asked me.



JofY: “AAAAAAHH!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HEAD!?!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “My head’s detachable and yours isn’t! Sucks to be you!”



“Hey, would it be okay if I slept in your bed tonight, ya know, with you?” A now smile started to grow on her face, already knowing the answer.



ToonGuy: [???] “No way! It’s my bed! Get your own!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Anyway, you trot in your sleep and I don’t need to be stepped on, thanks.”

SC276: The minute she starts tossing and turning, he’s a freakin’ pancake.



“I was taking back at just how cute her question was.



SC276: Taking back what, the video to the rental store? Man, I feel old all of a sudden.



“Of course it's okay! I want you to Dashie.” She then gave me a gentle kiss on my lips, returning with “Thanks, but I already knew you were going to say yes.“



JofY: Ah, manipulation.



I know.” I told her as she held into my chest, looking at me with those big innocent eyes then saying. “Carry me?”



JofY: According to some quick research, your average pony weighs around 225 to 360 kg. He’s not gonna be able to.

Crazy56U: Not unless he lifts with his knees...



I knew at that moment she was using her full on cuteness to her advantage but I obliged,



SC276: This is how the death spiral starts.

JofY: Weeee!



getting off the couch and slowly making my way to the staircase, holding the Pegasus I cared about so much as she nestled into me, holding on tightly as I continued making my way up the stairs to my bedroom.



ToonGuy: So this is basically the pony version of the Room. “Oh hai, I love Rainbow Dash so much, she is part of my life I cannot go on without her, you are TEARING ME APART RAINBOW DASH!”



“Opening the door and walking over to the large bad in the middle of the room,



Mononeko: ‘cause I’m baaaad, I’m baaaad. You know it...

SC276: The exact middle? Who doesn’t put at least one side of the bed against the wall?

JofY: Damn hipsters...



now sitting down on the bed as Rainbow Dash slowly crawled off of me, laying sideways on my bed, looking at me and smiling gently with a look of love and longing in her eyes, resting her head on some pillows before opening her mouth, eliciting a loud yawn that caused me to yawn just as loudly.



SC276: *uses Google* ...As I thought, that’s not what “elicting” means.



The moonlight cascading through the windows was all the light we needed to see,



JofY: Aside from dawn’s morning light.



shining off Dash’s cyan coat yet again, making her glow in the night.



JofY: Uh… That may want to be checked on.

SC276: Did she get that crystal makeover before coming here?



I quickly laid down next to her as she started to move closer to where I was laying, as we looked deep into each others eyes, Dash began to unfold one of her wings, placing it around my shoulder and caressing me lovenly.



Mononeko: Yes, this is a very lovenly moment.



I returned with placing my arm around the back of her neck gently petting Dashies soft cyan coat



SC276: If I hear “cyan coat” one more time, I’m gonna freakin’ shank somebody.



as we moved In for a full embrace her rainbow colored tale wrapped itself around my leg



Mononeko: Please make her tale be better than the shit I’m reading now.



as her forehoof grasped my chest and her back hoof intertwined around my leg.



SC276: That is a very flexible hoof.



I reached for the dark blue fleece blanket on the other side of her pulling it over us, remembering that I had forgotten to switch the heat on as I was heading upstairs, but I knew that Dashes body heat with mine would be more than enough to keep us comfortable throughout the cold night.



JofY: What is it now? 3… 4 am?

Crazy56U: Let me check. (checks watch) ... (shakes watch) ...damn, I think it died…

SC276: Fuck, we actually had a casualty of bad fanfiction. We hardly knew ye, watch.



Pulling the blanket fully over us, Rainbow Dash whispered. “I want to stay like this forever.” she uttered with a caring tone in her voice as I returned with. “I'll never leave your side,



SC276: [narrator] “Even if I have to sew us together.”

JofY: [Dash] “But you’re right now in front of me!”



“I want to be with you forever Dashie, I love you so much.” I told her sincerely as a few tears begin to fall from my eyes. Still gazing at me she added. “I want to be with you forever too dude.



JofY: [Dash] “Surf’s up.”



“I love you, so, bucken, much…” she told me, slowly drifting off to sleep.



I felt the utmost compassion in her words as I gradually fell off to sleep in her embrace, dreaming of flying with the Pegasus I cared for and loved so much till the end of time. Pulling off amazing tricks that would make the other Wonderbolts proud.



SC276: Even though you’re not a pegasus.

JofY: [Random Wonderbolt] “Stupid human, stealing our achievements…”



The End.



RingmasterJ5: ...And because this apparently needs to ALWAYS happen now, turns out the sequel the guy mentioned at the very start of the fic also fits under our wordcount limit. So, here’s “A Pegasus in the Sky”.

JofY: ~I can fly twice as high.~

Crazy56U: ...well, I can’t be mad this time, I did make a point of being upset that we were doing the riff out of order...

Mononeko: *groan* there’s more...

SC276: There’s another one?!



It's Been three weeks since Rainbow Dash and I confessed our love to each other, and here I was.



Crazy56U: [???] “In jail. Because of that damn horse…”

SC276: [narrator] “Dash, when I said ‘floor it,’ I didn’t mean ‘flatten the car!’”



Laying on my bed after a long and stressful day at work thinking about how much I missed the mareI loved and held most dear, imaging holding her close to me. Longing to feel the warmth of her soft cyan coat agence me once more.



Rainbow Dash's next visit wouldn't be for another three days or so. As she was all booked up doing shows with her fellow Wonderbolts Soarin and Spitfire all around Equestria until then.



CaptainPipsqueak: “So all I had to keep myself occupied was my right hand.”

SC276: Wait, she left Equestria against orders last fic. She was welcomed back? I would’ve liked to hear that instead of this!



I had given Dashie one of those Gopro camera's for her birthday last month so she could film some of her shows with it to show me on her visits.



JofY: Twilight then confiscated it claiming that it was a camera just another brazen example of violence.



Dash got some really impressive footage over the weeks,



JofY: I see he also bought the pony helmet attachment.



the acrobatic flying moves that Pegasus could pull off made me dizzy just watching them.



Mononeko: Or maybe that was just because of the shaking camera. Remember, never record while flying.



I remembered hearing how hard long distance relationships could be, not to mention

interdimensional ones.



JofY: ‘I just don’t get how those displac-’ *pukes*



I was missing her with every thought that would visualized Itself into my subconscious, I had to focus.



SC276: But he was failing miserably.



“It's just three more days now, not even that at this point!” I thought, finally collecting myself from my vivid thoughts and wiping away a tear that had begun to fall from one of my eyes, slowly getting up off my bed and reaching for my camera I kept on the nightstand next to me,



SC276: Dude, if you’re getting this distraught over not being able to see someone, that’s evidence you have no life whatsoever.



picking it up and looking at it for a few seconds then presiding to turn it on going through the various pictures I had taking over the course of the past two months, seeing all the memories I had shared with Dashie.



JofY: Seeing all the times they ran-on.



From the time we went to that drive in movie, to her reaction to seeing Indiana Jones for the first time.

We couldn't do a lot out of the house because of someone possibly seeing her, so we had to do things where there wasn't a lot of people, like a park at dusk or a drive in movie,



SC276: If this were like the ‘50s, not even that would be an option.



of which she could just hide in my SUV because of the blacked out windows.



SC276: If the windows were blacked out, how did you watch the film?



Among all the pictures of the Rainbow mare where shots of various sunsets I had taken,

It was just a hobby, but I always liked to get a shot of the dusk at the end of the day from my bedroom window if it looked interesting enough, I did have a perfect view of them after all.



JofY: A view of a wonderful brick wall.

SC276: If just looking at the sun hurts your eyes, and looking at it through binoculars or some other magnification would blind you, I don’t think that camera’s in very good condition.



Almost every night she was here, we'd love to watch the sun go down together.



SC276: What I’d like to see is Rainbow’s mind being blown when she found out the sun moves by itself here.



So, in a way you could say they also served like many of the photos of Rainbow Dash herself, as memories to remember how awesome I felt being with her that day or what interesting things we did or accomplished, like practicing up on my drawing or writing stories of which without her input,

I could never think of what to say next…



Being she just finished her 3rd Daring Do fan fiction, Dash would always have good pointers to help me out with pacing or charter development.



Mononeko: Grammar however...



Continuing to look through the photos for sometime, I couldn't stop thinking about the mare I cared so deeply for, wishing that she would just appear in front of me right then and there,



SC276: Cue convenient timing.



I'd never been more madly in love with her and wished she would always be here with me or that I could always be in her world with her. But I knew she had to go back for her job as a Wonderbolt of which Rainbow Dash lived the dream doing what she loved to do,



JofY: After all, he was only third best.



flying as fast as her cyan wings could take her, doing advanced tricks that had broken all the records at the elite flyers training academe she had attended.



SC276: Is this narrative going to talk in as many circles as the last one?



Collecting myself from my thoughts yet again,



JofY: Me? Have you been hanging out with my thoughts again? How many times do I have to tell you they’re a bad crowd?



I switched the camera from playback to photo mode readying it to get some shots, as I walked over to the window I saw that the golden light of the late afternoon was at its most impressive, cascading in from the two windows on either side of my bedroom. In between them I had a wonderbolts poster along with a DJ Pon 3 consort AD that Rainbow Dash had given me for my birthday a few weeks ago.



JofY: Wow, what an unnecessary detail.

ToonGuy: I disagree! I want to hear all about it IN PAINSTAKING DETAIL.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, leave out not one single point. Wow us.



Our birthdays where only a few weeks apart making October my favorite month of the Year.



JofY: Their birthdays were in March but it was because of that, that October was their favorite.



Even though as much as I hated getting older.



JofY: Dang whippersnapper!



Seeing Dash’s expression to what I had gotten her made the whole day better though. I loved bringing her joy, but I knew there would be nothing I could give her that could bring Rainbow Dash as much happiness as she gave me just being here so I could share my life with her.



SC276: So, presents are a useless gesture? Thanks for the romance tip!



I made my way to the left window by the poster, parting the two dark red curtains and peering out the window as the golden light shone through the pane of glass onto hands, warming them up.



JofY: Wait a second… IT’S MELTING THEM!



I now was squinting to try and see if there were any interesting clouds or weather effects that would make for an interesting photo,



ToonGuy: “That one looks like a middle finger!”



as my eyes adjusted to the light, I could make out a few oval shaped clouds glowing from the radiant light of the setting sun continuing to look to my left, I kept on seeing more interesting patterns until I gazed upon one that looked familiar to me, like someone I knew and loved with than anything else in this or any other world.



JofY: It looked like a cotton ball.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or a pizza.

SC276: Why yes, your world has decided it wants nothing to do with this one, go ahead and fly around in BROAD DAYLIGHT.



Because right then, there was a cloud glowing from the now almost set sun that appeared to have hooves a tail! and I could maybe make out some wings?



ToonGuy: Well we don’t know! You’re the one describing it! What are we supposed to say!?



Gazing up with disbelief I yell out in my thoughts.

“It was in the shape of a Pegasus!,”



JofY: The invasion has begun.



“It was my Dashie!”



CaptainPipsqueak: No, I think you’ll find that’s she’s her Dashie; she just deigns to be in your presence.



Quickly, I raised the camera up, getting it InFocus



CaptainPipsqueak: ...a privately owned video accessory company based in Oregon...

SC276: What a twist.



to take the best shot I could right before the sun fully set and I would miss my chance.



JofY: If only he took the lense cap off.



Pressing the shutter button repeatedly, I took a few shots making sure that one would come out good right after doing so the Pegasus cloud formation slowly faded as the jetstream took it turning it into just another cloud as the sun disappeared over the horizon.



SC276: Just keep running-running on, and running-running on...



Pressing play back right after taking a look at the shots I just gotten, I looked at that amazing formation in the clouds yet again. When Rainbow Dash visited me she could never fly because of the fear of somebody seeing her, I had always dreamed about her flying through the sky’s of my world,



ToonGuy: You have a set of very unimaginative fantasies.

CaptainPipsqueak: He’s into bestiality with a talking multicoloured pegasus. I don’t think imagination could keep up

SC276: You’re telling me a cloud just coincidentally ended up looking like her? Given she seems to be the only thing you can think about, I’m willing to bet you hallucinated it.



doing tricks and pulling off load sonic rainbooms flying through the clouds, as It was Rainbow Dash’s dream as well the soar through the brilliant blue sky’s of earth.



ToonGuy: Sky’s? We’re getting invaded by huge amounts of sky’s?! Hide the booze.

SC276: Judging from the typesmanship, too late.



Unlike in her world, we couldn't control the weather or the wind making it all the more unpredictable, and the Rainbow maned Pegasus loved that idea of how she could challenge herself trying to tame the wild clouds of my world, pushing herself to the limit testing our very laws of our physics.



CaptainPipsqueak: And if she could run-on sentence while doing it, that was just a bonus!

SC276: They literally just couldn’t find an open field or something?



Seeing how many incredible sonic rainbooms in rapid succession she could pull off in a single sound barrier breaking dive.



SC276: Has Dash ever done more than one at once in canon? I want to know now.



I knew Dashie would love to see this picture when she visited in a few days. Right then an idea all of a sudden struck me.



SC276: And knocked him out cold.



Why don't I get this picture framed and give it to Rainbow Dash as a gift!



JofY: Because it’s stupid and you don’t actually have a career in photography?



It was “20% cooler” than all the other sunset pictures I had taking that year after all.



JofY: 1.2 times 0 still equals 0.



Pulling the curtains back together, I turned to my writing desk that was just on the other side of them.



JofY: What does shmo even do?

CaptainPipsqueak: Whatever needs doing. Last week he was a carpenter, the week before that a gas station attendant. We don’t talk about what happened a month ago, though. Nobody died; that’s the important part.



Reaching down, I started to look through a few of the many drawings I had drawn of Rainbow Dash when she had visited about over the months. Dash had a few poses picked out that she wanted to do, curious to see how good my drawing skills had become since a couple weeks ago when she visited and I’d drawn her for the first time.



SC276: Gheeze, this guy’s dipped his toes in more artistic mediums than I have.



A lot of them still needed some more work, as that Pegasus never liked to stay still for very long… The drawing on top would always re”mane” my favorite though.



Mononeko: AHHHHH HA HA HA HA, please kill me now…

JofY: Oh, silly Mono. You can’t die here. WE WON’T LET YOU.

Mononeko: *desperately tries to look for an exit*

ToonGuy: Don’t bother, I already exhausted all of the options. Give up now and it’s easier on the brain.

SC276: Yeah, escape’s only possible when you’re in a defined space.

CaptainPipsqueak: We all float down here...



Picking up that one made me remember that night vividly of how Rainbow Dash was sitting on my bed in that pose, looking at me with those violet eyes as I could hardly keep my hand still, drawing the various lines and forming her incredible body.

Being a pony, Dash didn't normally sit like she was doing, with one of her hooves resting on the side of her head as the other one rested down on her leg, while the her back hooves laid seductively to her side, wings spared out in full



CaptainPipsqueak: Well, at least her wings were saved.



, revealing more than you'd normally see if the Pegasus ware in a natural position.



JofY: More revealing than normal?... This would be NSFW if you showed a picture!

SC276: I think I drew a female anthro Eevee in that exact pose… when I was like sixteen.



It was Dash's idea to pose like that after all, and I sure wasn't about to complain.



JofY: ...I can’t imagine doing yoga like that would be comfortable.



My cheeks along with Rainbow Dash's blushed slightly as I continued to draw her full outline, working on the details of her



ToonGuy: WOAH!



face.



ToonGuy: Oh. Crisis averted.

SC276: Wait, I forgot, is he reminiscing, which makes a lot of this pointless, or did she just suddenly materialize out of nowhere.



When all the outlines had been drawn I moved along using various colored pencils to draw the prismatic colors of the spectrum on her rainbow mane and tail as she then smiled slightly asking me. “How's it look?.”



SC276: It looks like a bunch of run-on sentences. Thank god this story seems shorter than the other one...



Misunderstanding her I said, “You look amazing Dashie.” And she did, contrasting her cyan coat agence



SC276: Here is the world-famous French spy infiltrating the Cyan Coat Agence to steal classified intelligence...



the light sand colored bed sheets.“No, how's the drawing look silly.” She said, rolling her eyes up. “Oh the drawing! It’s um, It's coming along great!.” I uttered nervously. “It's so difficult not to move!.” She stated matter-of-factly.

“I know, I’ll just be a few more minutes okay.” I said, reassuring the antsy Pegasus in front of me.

With the outlines on her rainbow mane and tail now fully colored in, I picked up a cyan blue colored copic marker to finish coloring in her soft blue coat along with various other details that made my hands quiver even more than had been before.



SC276: Do we have an art guy here that can confirm whether or not mixing colored pencils and copic markers is a terrible idea?



Having finishing the drawing, Rainbow Dash excitedly jumped off my bed and flew over to me, sitting on my lap, looking at what I just drawn.



Mononeko: [Rainbow]: “It looks like shit.”



“Wow, that looks so awesome!.” she uttered joyfully. “Thanks, I think I'm starting to get the hang of this!.” I told her as she moved in, kissing me slightly on the lips and wrapping her wings around my back pulling me closer to her, continuing to kiss me even more passionately as I returned the kiss, feeling every muscle in her face intensify



ToonGuy: That’s not a good thing.



as we both applied more pressure than releasing a few moments later.



CaptainPisqueak: “It was like snogging a leather mitten.”

SC276: And they’re both making out in the freakin’ flashback, I have no idea what the hell’s even going on anymore.



“I Love You so much Dashie!,” I told her gazing into those amazing eyes. “I, I love you too stud.”



JofY: ...Is his name actually supposed to be Stud?

Crazy56U: I’m sticking with ???. Because he doesn’t deserve an actual name.



she whispered out of breathily. I then turned around to pick up the drawing I just made, turning back to her, I said. “Here, I want you to have this. “Aw I couldn't take Your drawing, It's your best work yet!”



JofY: After all, he used colored pencils instead of crayon.



Rainbow Dash said worryingly. “It's alright, I want you to have it.”

“No, I want you to keep it so that you can ya know, imagine me anytime you want to...” Dash told me caringly with a soft and sultry tone in the her voice. “Besides, it's a little too... “revealing” to take back home and show my Friends, she said starting to blush again, slightly chuckling.

“Hey now, I just Drew what I saw!.” I told her slyly. “Oh, I know you, loving to draw every “detail.”



ToonGuy: *through clenched teeth* Can I get the SWAT gear back out?!

Mononeko: Save it, this story isn’t worth it.

SC276: I’m not getting out the Golden Freddy heads again, so someone give me something else to load the slingshot with.



she told me with a devilish grin on her face. “Only the best “details” besides, it was your idea to pose like that in the first place, showing me said “details” I told the mare jokingly.



JofY: In all honestly, Dash’s pose was only 480p.

Crazy56U: You’re giving her too much credit, it was 144p at best.



“Hey, I only wanted to pose like that because You showed me that boat movie with the guy who drowns at the end...



Crazy56U: ...“The Perfect Storm”?

SC276: [Dash] “It took me a moment to remember why he didn’t just fly out.”



she told me angrily, playfully smacking my face with her hoof. “It made me totally cry my eyes out dude.”



JofY: The waste of all that money? Terrible.

Crazy56U: Yeah, fuck Titanic.



“Oh, so that's why I felt like Leonardo DiCaprio drawing that...”



JofY: [???] “And here I was thinking I was a ninja turtle.”

Crazy56U: Naked lady. Trust me, Author, you aren’t ruining anyone’s day by revealing that.



I told her with faked realization in my voice.



JofY: Wow, real Oscar performance there.

Crazy56U: So, it’s worthy of Titanic, then?



“Okay if You really want me to, I'll keep it.”

Dash then moved her head close to me resting her forehead against mine whispering

“I hate You.”



JofY: ...My god... I can’t believe it... That ‘you’ should not be capitalized!

CaptainPipsqueak: No. Clearly Dash sees the protagonist as God.



as she looked into my eyes with a caring expression, smiling slightly. I returned whispering “I know, how about next time I warn you if the movies going to be sad.”



JofY: [Dash] “Completely ruin the ending for me.”



“Alright, deal!”



JofY: [???] “Okay, our next movie is called ‘Schindler's List.’ It’s gonna be fun!”



Rainbow said hugging me as we both moved in to kiss ever passionately once again.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Again, it was like snogging a leather mitten.”



Continuing to look at the drawing and remembering all the events that transpired that night just made me miss that Pegasi even more than I had missed her before.



SC276: Boo hoo, get a hobby.



Walking back over to my nightstand and brushing my hand across the silk sheets on my bed, I reached for my iPod that was on the table, syncing it up with my wireless speaker I had under the TV in my room



SC276: You just got wireless speakers everywhere, don’t you.



as it began to play Take My Breath Away by Berlin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNYvzKy-i9k



Crazy56U: ...dear God, you actually don’t even know how to hyperlink?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Which is particularly sad because at that point FimFiction still had a Youtube link button. You had to click one button, author! ONE BUTTON!



(Great, just what I needed to depress me even more!)



Crazy56U: Yeah, “Top Gun” is really depressing, I feel ya, man…

JofY: I bet anything could get him could think of Dash.

CaptainPipsqueak: Except rainbows, for some odd reason. Just don’t do a thing for him.



I thought. But I decided to leave it play seeing as how it was a fitting end to the day, even though it made me think about her, but I guess so did most of the songs I liked listening to.



JofY: Especially all those songs about dogs and hoes.

SC276: ~Just an old-fashioned love song, playing on the radio...~



Now I was stirring at my iPod



CaptainPipsqueak: ...the cream getting all over the place...

SC276: ~M-I-X the flour into the bowl~



it for a few minutes as the song played, looking at the wallpaper on my device that was of course, “Rainbow Dash” looking all seductive sitting in my high class Ikea chair that I had in the corner of my bedroom.



Mononeko: As opposed to those lower class Ikea chairs. Pffff, who needs those!

CaptainPipsqueak: “Oh sure; they’re fine for your typical plebian, but I prefer to rest my ass on something that shouts ‘I’m better than you!’”

SC276: Dude, if you put your own wallpaper as your own picture of your crush, that’s kind of obsessive. I mean, I got my own drawing as my lock screen art, but I’m not stupid about it.



I placed the iPod back down on the side table, shortly after falling back into my bed.

The song playing on quietly as my arms spread out on either side of my head, looking over to see that was now 12am in the morning.



JofY: Midnight equals the morning.

CaptainPipsqueak: Technically, it does. Morning is the period between midnight and noon, but most people consider it the time from dawn to noon.

SC276: Still doesn’t mean he needed to put “AM” and “in the morning” in the same freakin’ sentence.



“Just two more days now.” I thought to myself, smiling contently and gradually falling off to sleep, dreaming of flying free in the the night sky's above like I had done every night since I first met that Dashing Rainbow maned Pegasus I so completely and helplessly fell in love with.



JofY: After all, the script demanded it.

SC276: Having the same dream every night is a symptom of a one-track mind. As if him having nothing else to do in his life besides the imaginary pony girlfriend wasn’t already blatantly obvious.



The End.

(actual photo I took that inspired this story)



Crazy56U: That is not provided with the story because, if it was, it would be akin to

staring into the Ark of the Covenant.

ToonGuy: At this point, I’d take it.

JofY: Oh, please. I don’t see what all the hubbub is about it. I saw inside of it; it was just a bunch of sand.

CaptainPipsqueak: The last guys just had an extreme allergic reaction. Melting faces are a symptom.

SC276: Actually, it’s there in the original webpage. Ring presumably just didn’t check his copy-paste because he was in a hurry.

CaptainPipsqueak: God knows we are.



Thanks for reading.



SC276: You’re not welcome.

JofY: “And this has been” An Evening With A Pegasus + A Pegasus In The Sky. “And personally, “wow this was ridiculous.” Let’s not even focus on the bad grammar, and focus on nothing really happens. The pacing is just boringly slow. The whole reveal of him not being able to go to Equestria could have been interesting, if it wasn’t ignored like “It isn’t actively painful though. I mean, it never actively tries to do anything, and to that sense, it’s not bad?... Yeah. Piss argument, but you get what I mean, what about the rest of you?

Mononeko: Aside from everything JofY said, this is just your standard “Human has the hots for multi colored horses” story with sometimes some admittedly hilarious grammar errors. In my opinion, romantic stories don’t really need to have much going on, but come on, at least TRY to keep it interesting.

ToonGuy: It felt just….LONG. I’ve read fanfics where the idea of a relationship is built up slowly, but this was just dull. There wasn't anything really, and that’s the problem. The main character didn’t even get a name or any personality beyond that he’s a ‘nice guy’, and it feels like Rainbow Dash got wimpified HARD. In all honesty, I’ll likely forget I even read this fanfiction in a week or so, and that’s not a good thing.

SC276: Yeah, everyone else summed it up. Much ado about freakin’ nothing. No real conflict, no real character, just one thing after another presented with terrible misuse of quotation marks - like my god have you ever read an actual book - and repetitive detail that we don’t care about. And the sequel’s short enough that it might as well have been an epilogue for all I care.

Crazy56U: To bring this full circle, I would like to remind you all yet again that the better riff option was STARING YOU IN THE FACE.

JofY: ...The Nyx fic?

Crazy56U: That too! At this point, anything other than this would’ve been the better option!

JofY: We’ve done The Catch, My Brave Unicorn, and Displaced. Are you saying this is worse than those?

Crazy56U: No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that this should not have won the poll! This was a big waste of time! COME ON.

JofY: Well, that’s not what everyone else said. Get over it.

SC276: I don’t even vote on those. I just take what’s in front of me.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: God damn, this was a trainwreck. First, I wanted to find a really terrible fic literally posted yesterday as a sort of New Year’s special… but that didn’t work out. I did manage to find a very riffable Hunger Games ripoff thing, but upon further inspection the actual story was only 2K words and the rest of the 4K-word fic was just the author doing a bunch of those “random Hunger Games generator” things with the characters. So then I tried to make it a different kind of New Year’s special by finding another really short fic posted on a previous 1/1 to accompany it, but couldn’t find any that worked. THEN, I tried to at least salvage it by trying to find another Hunger Games ripoff fic to pair it with, but none of those worked either. So, instead, you get the first riffable thing I drudged up from FFNet’s “most recent” page. Anyway, Fallen, what came to mind when I first linked you this?

Fallen Prime: Other than “why” and “fuck you?”

RingmasterJ5: I was more specifically referring to the whole “IT’S A GIANT WALL OF TEXT” bit.

Fallen Prime: Oh, psh. I didn’t even skim it. All I needed was the fucking title.

RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, a trilogy of terrible wall-of-text Creepypastas by an author who inexplicably has the largest hate-boner for Facebook I’ve ever seen. (Otherwise known as “DiscordExe” by DiscordXChaos)

Crazy56U: ...wow, 2016 already sucks...



Preface:



RingmasterJ5: Before we begin I just want to say that all three of these stories were posted in December of 2015, which is something you should probably keep in mind as you read.

SC276: So, last month? So it’s fresh out of the oven. Good for pizza, bad for half-baked stories.

Crazy56U: Terrible for half-baked pizza. ...wait...



Facebook has the most unhelpful ways to get back your account after being blocked.



CaptainPipsqueak: They’re actually doing you a favour but be as angry as you wish.

ToonGuy: So this is pretty much Sonic.EXE just with a different character?

Crazy56U: ...so, does this mean you’re going to rip off “Unfriended” then?



Especially fake ones.



Crazy56U: Facebook has fake ways to get your account back?

ToonGuy: They’re like that one kid who doesn’t stop trying to sucker punch you.



So I wrote this narrative in an attempt to explain what truly was going on in their servers, why their tech support is terrible, and my anger to Facebook as they have banned my account twice for being under a false name.



JofY: How dare they! All he wants to do is shame girls on the internet! What’s wrong with that?

Crazy56U: So, in other words, instead of doing the sensible thing and dropping Facebook like a cheap habit, you’re basically going to vilify the site? Didn’t “The Social Network” already do that?



This is the story of how Facebook fell.



RingmasterJ5: Not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with thousands of shitty Minion memes.

SC276: This is the sort of thing that one should write down in a Word document and then not post on the Internet.

Crazy56U: And already the Author has failed, since Facebook is still up and is still a thing. A terrible, terrible thing...



( P.S. : By the way, this takes place in September 2012, one year after Season 2 Episode 1 of My Little Pony, "The Return of Harmony Part 1" aired.



JofY: Why? Because apparently this fic about, what I’m guessing from the title, a computer thing, needs to be in continuity with MLP.

Crazy56U: ...so, around the time “The Crystal Empire” premiered?



This alternate timeline suggests it took much more time for Facebook to be invented simply because the idea wasn't interesting to any company and no one was willing to support it.)



CaptainPipsqueak:...’kay?

ToonGuy: Uh…..did we miss a couple of pages where this...I dunno, made sense?

SC276: One, both halves of “Return of Harmony” were aired in September 2011, so why not just reference the whole two-parter instead of just the first half? Two, I don’t know much about the history of Facebook, but I’m pretty sure MySpace existed by this time and if Facebook didn’t happen, MySpace might still be doing shit, so everyone would be on MySpace instead of Facebook and basically you have no idea how causality works. Three, if you need a postscript (or is it prescript?) in the author notes before the text itself, you’re terrible at establishing setting.

Crazy56U: So, I guess this means that Mark Zuckerberg never met up with the Winklevoss twins, but they already had a Facebook-esque idea in mind, so I don’t know what- a majority of my riffs so far have been about Facebook, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!



DiscordXChaos



JofY: ...I thought we were doing a creepypasta, not a ship fic.

CaptainPipsqueak: Are they mutually exclusive?

Crazy56U: And thus, the Facebook/MLP Creepypasta became a MLP/Sonic shipfic.

...2016 fucking sucks.

ToonGuy: I’ll get the booze ready. Maybe add a little rat poison in, night is still young.



My name's Jarom Jezrel ,



CaptainPipsqueak: “Hi, Jarom!”

SC276: No, it’s DiscordXChaos, pay attention already.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pfft. He’ll always be “Jarom” to me. Maybe we could compromise and call him “Jamjar”?

ToonGuy: Or Jar Jam Binks?

CaptainPipsqueak: Let’s not go too far.

Crazy56U: “and this is the story of how I sued my parents for my shitty name!”



I was working at this new company called "Facebook".



SC276: Oh god it’s one of these where the narrator is part of the company, like “Squidward’s Suicide.” Also, I just thought of something: establishing an alternate universe ruins the entire point of creepypasta, doesn’t it? I mean, if the idea is to tell a campfire ghost story like it actually happened, saying it takes place in an alternate timeline breaks that in half freakin’ immediately. It’s like you’re too angry to freakin’ try.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, since Facebook only just now got invented, that means everyone who would be using it are on MySpace. ...this is a strange timeline we’re in right now…

Scarlet: Discord apparently discovered the net at some point.



It had just came out, so all of it was pretty new to me as in terms of how to use it. I know how to fix it,



Crazy56U: [Jarom] “(applies a bandage to a computer monitor) All better!”

ToonGuy: “And here’s a lollipop for being such a good boy!”



but I don't go on it that very much because I work there



Crazy56U: Which... is not possible... ...unless he uses Tumblr when he’s supposed to be working…

Scarlet: The dreadful history of the invention of Twitter.



and just being tech support for Facebook already gives me enough on my hands.



JofY: I see Facebook in this universe hires tech support from Comcast.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “(hands are covered in blood) ...the horror... ...the horror...”

Scarlet: [Jarom] “Have you tried making sure Facebook is plugged in?”

CaptainPipsqueak: Or turning it off and then back on again?



I was busy working on a way to let people invite others to play games they enjoy when suddenly one odd invite appeared.



JofY: “I call it ‘Farmville.’”

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “It was for a party, which makes no sense, since I have no

friends…”

ToonGuy: So he sent the invite to himself? ...I’ll buy it.

Scarlet: “Make a contract?”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Here, use this pen. Relax, that’s just red ink. Not… not like it would be anything else, of course.



It was weird because the feature hadn't been installed on Facebook yet.



JofY: Not only that, but it linked to a CD, which hadn’t been invented yet!

SC276: For a moment, I thought it was talking about inviting people to be your friend, which seems like exactly the sort of thing this author would write about.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Which was double weird, since I was supposed to install that!”



It was from "Discord: The Master of Chaos".



Crazy56U: Wow. We’re just… we’re just going in raw, aren’t we?

Scarlet: This author’s hardcore.

CaptainPipsqueak: Bite the mousepad, I’m going in dry!



His game he wanted me to play was entitled "Evil Chaos".



Crazy56U: Plot Twist: It’s actually “Farmville”.



Luckily for me, I had a friend who was into the show and knew who he was.



JofY: You had a friend that was into the Bible show? Also, remember this, I’ll be bringing it up later.

SC276: Your first action wasn’t to make sure the game actually existed? Also, you’re not telling anyone about something that’s using a feature that hasn’t been implemented yet? Especially since you just got hired, so there’s no way you’re at the point in your career where you can just keep things like that to yourself.

ToonGuy: Also, as far as you know, he’s a fictional character! Unless you think John De Lancie- Praise to him- has actually messaged you out of the blue, then I would severely rethink how you view the world.

Crazy56U: ...is your “friend” actually Google? Because... yeah, I don’t see you actually having friends. ...let alone a friend.



This "character" was the spirit of chaos and disharmony in the show.



CaptanPipsqueak: I AM SHODAN

JofY: ‘It was really more of a local.’

SC276: You know Japan actually has a traffic light god?

Scarlet: God damn it SC, I can’t pause to lecture about Shinto right now!

Crazy56U: ...yes Jarom, he is a character. It’s not like Discord is a toaster or

anything...



The odd thing was the picture wasn't your usual bright colored, light toned Discord.



JofY: They used Photoshop!

ToonGuy: Already they’ve committed a sin in changing the design for no real reason!

Crazy56U: Because hearing a one sentence explanation about the guy means you now

know what he looks like.

Scarlet: Dark red and possibly bleeding.



His body was a dark red Rosewood color with his mane Red and his tail the same color. His bear paw was Vermillion and his eagle's claw was a Terra cotta shade. His right dragon claw was a Dim Grey



CaptainPipsqeak: Not just workaday ‘dim grey’, but Dim Grey, the master of all greys!

Scarlet: Vermillion, the bear paw’s true identity!

Crazy56U: Hey, you asshole, you leave Grey out of this! Just because he is a slow

learner does NOT mean he’s “dim”!

CaptainPipsqueak: No, it’s a Chinese snack plate; a variant of Dim Sum.



and his other horse hoof was Silver.



ToonGuy: IT’S NO USE!

Crazy56U: 100% Silver? God, that’s gotta be expensive... ... (pulls out a hacksaw)

CaptainPipsqueak: The horse hoof was Silver. Oh lawdy.



His horns were Black with Red strokes around them. His wings were each Dark Grey.



JofY: All in all, it was soooo last season.

SC276: Because colors must be capitalized. Didn’t you see the memo addendum to the Manual of Proper Internet Grammar?

Scarlet: I think I burned that last year.

Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, Discord’s a goth here.



I wondered who this was and how they could get into our servers, when we haven't even made the new update to Facebook's page yet.



JofY: ‘My coworkers never play pranks on one another.’

Scarlet: Given he thinks he works at a start-up version of Facebook in 2012, I’m not sure if these co-workers are real or just another part of his hallucination.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, I’m starting to think that Alt-Facebook is nothing more than a front for the local mob!



I was telling myself to not check the link out, but some crazy curiosity



Crazy56U: AKA “Because plot.”



was telling me to go check it out. Against my better judgement, I clicked on the link.



JofY: It showed him how he wasn’t gonna give you up.

CaptainPipsqueak: What a let-down.

Crazy56U: And then his computer exploded. THE END



It took me to the game, which again, we hadn't made that feature available to the public or anyone at all for that matter.



JofY: ‘It’s attempts at filling in the UI elements we hadn’t put yet… Wasn’t too seamless.’

Crazy56U: Alt-Facebook is basically the equivalent of a GeoCities website made by a

fifth-grader in 1997.



I accepted the terms of the game, again, avoiding that consciousness that told me to not to do it, and the game started up.



SC276: Forget that the game shouldn’t exist, this guy is an idiot for agreeing to play a game that doesn't exist. Also, who actually clicks those “invite to play this” messages?!

ToonGuy: Only thing that could have been worse is if the game was called ‘Nigarian Priince, Give Money’

Scarlet: [Randy from Scream] “Never, under any circumstances, say you will be right back.”

Crazy56U: Is this Facebook job the first time Jarom ever used a computer, let alone

the Internet? If I didn’t know better, I’d assume he just invited himself to a bout of

viruses and identity theft!



For some odd reason, the game went to full-screen, which was very different, because most games we were going to allow on Facebook weren't capable of doing such a deed.



JofY: Using new and inventive features? The horror!

SC276: “We were going to allow”? You haven’t added any games yet? And yet you don’t find it odd in the freakin’ slightest that you’re playing a game on a platform that doesn’t have games yet? You have less survival instincts than most escort mission characters!

ToonGuy: Maybe it’s like a perception filter, where Discord’s magic is making him not notice the plot holes and misdirecting it….man, I gave that more actual thought than need be. Won’t make that mistake again!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, those are fun. “Hey look, a heavily armed warship! I’ll fly my weaponless ship over and say ‘Hi!’ Hi, heavily armed warship! Wanna be besties? OHMYFU…”

Crazy56U: Okay, look, I don’t know much about Facebook. I don’t use Facebook. I

don’t want to acknowledge Facebook. ...and yet, to me, none of this sounds right.

There is no way Facebook, even Alt-Facebook, would be this poorly put together. I know you want to vilify the website, but this is too much. ...I just defended Facebook, I feel dirty…

CaptainPipsqueak: And so you should. You go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.



This was a 2D side-scrolling pixel platformer and role-playing game.



JofY: Not only that, but it had a ‘Game Maker’ watermark on it!

SC276: I’ll let that pass because, by the story’s admitted setting, Undertale doesn’t exist yet.

Crazy56U: You’re right, Author, why aren’t I playing Earthbound right now instead of

this?

Scarlet: Pixel platformer/roleplaying combo… my god, it’s Zelda II!

Crazy56U: You’re right, Scarlet, why aren’t I playing Zelda II right now instead of

this?



The game started you off as a character with Electric Blue hair, Peach skin, Teal jacket with the "Facebook" logo on the right side of the chest and khakis, and blue sandals with the tops that had White socks peaking out of them.



JofY: Great, I can no longer see in my imagination. Thanks for that.

CaptainPipsqueak: i Can SMeLl thE COLourS. Can yoU smEll THe COLOurs?

Fallen Prime: 1 C4N T4ST3 TH3M >:]

CaptainPipsqueak: ...you lucky bastard.

Crazy56U: Fonts are fun to use!

ToonGuy: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! NEVER ENDING STOOOORY! ANYTHING I SAY HERE SOUNDS BADASS!

Crazy56U: I CAN’T HEAR YOU

CaptainPipsqueak: Nope. Nope, you killed it. You killed it and fuck you.

Crazy56U: Somebody had to.



The top corner showed a red health bar and below that a blue magic bar.



JofY: Opposed to the normally plaid health bar and puke colored magic bar.

SC276: More like puke-colored story bar.

ToonGuy: All this talk of bars is making me thirsty! *places bottle in front* So who wants to crack first?

Scarlet: This game coded with baby’s first RPG system!

Crazy56U: This was made with Game Maker, wasn’t it.



The whole background was a forest that was only illuminated by the red moon behind them. The creepy thing that literally wanted to make me puke was the dead ponies everywhere,



JofY: *spits out water* WAIT, WHAT!?

RingmasterJ5: Imagine this guy at a murder scene. “He was wearing a fetching blue vest with matching jeans, there was a large tree in the distance… and oh yeah his head was ten feet away from his body.”

ToonGuy: They should have sent a poet….cause he would have done a better job.

CaptainPipsqueak: “I’m sorry; I should have mentioned that first, shouldn’t I? It’s just the scene was so inspiring…”

Crazy56U: (with fake enthusiasm) And with that, we’re ripping off Sonic.exe!



you'd think this was real becuase of the blood textures.



JofY: This game uses blood textures? Wow. Now you know it’s real.

SC276: If it’s a pixel-game, why would the designers in any capacity want a player to think it could be real? I almost feel embarrassed for gaming for being involved in any capacity in this story.

Crazy56U: Were they hyper-realistic, Jarom?



It was like someone took 3D Animation or a Live Video and put it into the game.



JofY: Why would a 2D game need 3D blood?

CaptainPipsqueak: Because...Oh look over there! It’s a bird!

JofY: Ooooh!

Crazy56U: So... It was like a video game?



Or it was real. No, that can't be, how could you use real blood in a videogame?



JofY: Swap the fake blood out for real one.

SC276: Can we swap out this story for a real one, then?

ToonGuy: I’ve got a voucher, we could try.

Crazy56U: You gotta use that C++, it makes magic happen.



I wasn't sure, but I hated the look of it.



JofY: Probably because of the poor art choices I mentioned earlier.

ToonGuy: Then knock it off! Just use that ESCAPE key.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Feh. I can make better blood textures than that, no problem! Just give me MS Paint and Photoshop, I’ll work wonders.”



So, I tested out the buttons.



Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Hmmm… (presses a button) (computer shuts down)”

JofY: [Jarom] “Alright, what about this one?”



W, A, S, D were to move and the N button was to attack and the M button was to fire a blue fire projectile.



SC276: OK, uh. If WASD is being used for movement, that usually means the mouse is being used by the other hand. Otherwise, you’d just use the arrows and probably Z and X for action keys.

Scarlet: Yeah, even on my tiny laptop keyboard the placement is a bit weird.

Crazy56U: But, what about the spacebar?



I walked forward slowly, almost like I was cautious not to step on any of the deceased animals on the ground.



JofY: How? You already said that there were dead ponies everywhere.

Crazy56U: By being cautious, duh.



Running now, fearing for my videogame life,



JofY: He might not be able to play Skyrim after this!

CaptainPipsqueak: Fus-Ro-Damnit!

SC276: Did he already forget his fake creepypasta game is supposed to be 2D?

ToonGuy: Also that he shouldn’t be able to play it!?

Crazy56U: This Let’s Play sucks.

CaptainPipsqueak: More like “Let’s Suck” amIrite?



I hurried to the end of the screen where there was the gloomy Discord from before, except he was holding a pony's head and blood was dripping from his mouth, hands, and down his body.



JofY: He had cut himself while shaving.

CaptainPipsqueak: I hate when that happens; it just goes on for hours.

ToonGuy: *glumly looks at his beardless chin* Lucky bastards.

Crazy56U: Holy shit, we are ripping off Sonic.exe!



I just about screamed at him to stop his killing spree when he edged closer to me.



JofY: ...Ewww.

SC276: Wait, in real life or was there an action key for actually doing that?

Crazy56U: Well, given how much bullshit and magic have been programed into this

game, maybe there is a “scream nonsense” key. ...the spacebar, maybe...



I tried to move backwards, but I was held in place by some invisible force.



JofY: Perhaps by an ‘invisible wall’ of some sort.

SC276: That’s called “being in a boss arena.” Have you never played a video game before?

Scarlet: They never notice the first fog gate.

Crazy56U: Uh oh, he doesn’t realize that this is a cutscene...



He continued to move toward me and I pressed every button on the keyboard, but to no avail.



SC276: Did that include actually shooting at him? With the blue fire projectile that you said you had?

Scarlet: Sssssh, that’s the third act twist!

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “ (while punching keyboard) Why! Isn’t This! WORKING?!”



He was coming closer to me and I decided to try and quit out of the game with Control-Alt-Delete. Not even that worked.



JofY: Okay, what about Alt+F4? Alt+Tab? Shutting off the computer?

CatainPipsqueak: ...unplugging it, something logical like that?

ToonGuy: Hold the power button down, wait for it to knock off?

SC276: How about the Escape Key? Even the Pointy-Haired Boss thought to try that.

Crazy56U: Delete System32, it will solve all of your problems.



He approached me and grabbed me with his bear paw and choked me.



Crazy56U: [Discord] “WHY YOU LITTLE!”



Then the game prompted me to mash the N button.



JofY: So, we have bad art choices, an excess of blood, and now, quick time events. Is this Castlevania: Lord of Shadows?

Scarlet: Okay, that IS creepy.

Crazy56U: So, now we’re ripping off Sonic Unleashed? Really?



I did and then it prompted me to mash the M button.



CaptainPipsqueak: Button, no! He had so much to live for! Take me instead, God; TAKE MEEEEE!

Scarlet: The game prompted me to do the hokey-pokey and turn myself about.

Crazy56U: And then it told him to mash the Shift key, but that just triggered Sticky

Keys, leading to Discord murdering him.



This didn't work, and the Master of Chaos shot a fireball which charred me and left my character realistically burnt and scarred unable to move.



JofY: The kind of realism that only comes from 8-bit.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pfft. Sixteen-bit for life, bitches.

Scarlet: A chiptune version of “Requiem” played softly.

Crazy56U: Wait, is this now a Mario creepypasta? What happened to this being about

Facebook? Not that I care all that much, but...



Blood dripping letters that were in capitals and a black screen faded in front of me that said



Crazy56U: “geeettttttt dunked on”



"Want to play again? Do you want me to make it easier to beat the Lord of Chaos?"



JofY: Would you like to play on easy? Wimp.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Do you want me to get you through the hard part?”

SC276: This creepypasta monster sucks at game design. Who puts two entire sentences in a stylistic-yet-likely-moderately-difficult-to-read font? I actually feel offended!

Scarlet: Discord trolls the game design community.

Crazy56U: [Discord] “Go on, pick Easy Mode, you baby scrub baby.”



I stupidly pressed yes went on playing the game.



SC276: You really ARE an idiot.

CaptainPipsqueak: And that’s why we love him!

ToonGuy: WE DO?!! Well that means I’ll have to cancel the heat seeking missile I was preparing to launch at his house.

Scarlet: He wouldn’t suffer that way, ToonGuy.

JofY: Besides, per my contract, I have to try and stop all ways of interrupting, corrupting, or ruining the fic, other than the standard method until we’re finished.

ToonGuy: You got a contract? I just assumed we all just got press ganged into doing this.

Crazy56U: Well... At least Jarom’s self-aware.

CaptainPipsqueak: Dumb as a sack of silverware, but self-aware.



I continued down the way past where he had choked me. I turned around and he was gone.



JofY: Oh, it was an in game story element!? Or is it just bad checkpointing?



For the moment. Just after that, Discord appeared behind me and chased me.



Scarlet: ...this was literally copy-pasted as a concept from the Godzilla NES creepypasta. Look that up. Seriously.

Crazy56U: When in doubt, plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize!



A text appeared above my character that almost seemed to shout at me saying "RUN!" This text flashed and I ran as fast as my keyboard could take me.



JofY: Translation: He held down a button.

CaptainPipsqueak: But thrillingly. Does anyone else feel thrilled?

ToonGuy: *picks up keyboard. Taps buttons* Look. I’m doing it. Wheeee.

SC276: ...I just sat here for like three minutes trying to figure out something that could properly respond this idiocy. I got nothing. This guy has never played a video game in his fucking life.

Crazy56U: Don’t worry guys, the keyboard is going to save the day!



But, every time I tried to run, I felt I was on a treadmill.



JofY: The game had glitched out.

Crazy56U: And so Jarom turned into Michael Jackson.



I couldn't go any faster and he was about to kill me.



Scarlet: The reason this worked in the source material is that Godzilla NES was never a game with chase segments. It was a weird, freaky thing that seemed to have inserted itself into the game, and wasn’t even initially dangerous so much as it was bizarre. Do you even know how to atmosphere?

Crazy56U: Please, everyone knows that atmosphere is a myth… Just like competent storytelling or decent characterization.



I turned around and mashed the M button to throw blue fireballs at him. That didn't work and not even the attack button helped. Proceeding that, the game showed another text saying "Hold the M button down to fire a super charged blast to stop the monster!"



JofY: Oh, this is all just a stupid tutorial.

CaptainPipsqueak: God, I hate those, especially if they’re unskippable.

Crazy56U: “Trust me, it totally will work, Pinkie Swear!”



I did so and my character proceeded to fire a blast which did make the Discord disappear, but to only reappear behind me. I again held the M button down and made him go away.



Scarlet: The end.

Crazy56U: Discord, teleport spamming is a shit thing to do...



Every time I did this, he would teleport to the other side and I'd have to shoot the blast at him again.



Scarlet: ...that’s the boss fight from Sonic.exe. This story is so lame it is actually legit just copying bits from video game creepypasta.

Crazy56U: But why Sonic.exe of all things? The author clearly has some semblance of quality, as seen in the ripping off of NES Godzilla Creepypasta, so why go for that?



This continued until he appeared in front of my character and proceeded to kill my character. The death was more realistic and gory this time.



JofY: Realistic, or gritty?

SC276: This guy has no idea how pixels work, does he.

ToonGuy: He has about as much knowledge as that goddamn Adam Sandler movie.

Crazy56U: Never bring that up ever again.

CaptainPipsqueak: He knows how to spell it, at least.



He took his eagle claw and pierced my heart all the way through and let blood spurt out in all directions, ripping my heart out



Crazy56U: He stole your heart, then? ...damnit, this is a ship fic!

ToonGuy: The very next day, he gave it away.



and-and- this next part's hard to tell.



JofY: ‘He... tickled me.’

CaptainPipsqueak: “Can you show us on this doll where the spirit of chaos touched you?”

Scarlet: Ishoy and Oiram next, you know you want to! Ooh, or maybe Ben Drowned!

Crazy56U: Dude, the Author’s writing isn’t that hard to read, stop kidding yourself.



He ate my heart.



JofY: *munching on a different heart* Hey, it’s delicious.

CaptainPipsqueak: If you say it tastes like chicken, I will fucking end you.

JofY: ...No, it tastes like beef. Why would you think a pony heart tastes like chicken?

SC276: Hard to tell? You just told it.

Crazy56U: (eats a box of candy hearts) ...eh... Don’t get the appeal...



And then threw my body to the ground and crushed my skull in sending brains and blood every which way.



JofY: GORE SUPLEX FOR THE WIN!!!!

SC276: Bet you’re wishing he turned ponies to stone now, huh?

CaptainPipsqueak: FATALI...no, that’s too easy.

Crazy56U: You have brains?!



The last screen I ever saw that was a message from this Devilish-Demonic-Discord was "That was a great game!



SC276: Come over here so I can stab you with my college transcript that makes me more of an expert on game design than you.

CaptainPipsqueak: Shit, I’ve been around for as long as video games have existed.

Scarlet: Gotcha! That was a fun duel!

Crazy56U: ...eh, better than Sonic Boom... 7/10 Too much pixels IGN



How about one last time? You win and I'll leave you guys alone! I win, and all of Facebook is gone forever!



JofY: Clearly random IT guy can make these kinds of decisions!

SC276: Well given the author’s bias, placing bets on this outcome seems counterproductive.

Scarlet: Facebook. Discord wants to destroy Facebook. Why? It seems like his kind of place!

Crazy56U: I love how Discord thinks this is a dire challenge, but really, it’s win-win.



How does that sound? Fair enough, isn't it?



JofY: Hmm… The possibility of destroying a company that employs thousands, or having to deal with an annoyance...

Crazy56U: Again, win-win.



Will you proceed?" I, foolishly, clicked yes and the last trial began.



JofY: Last trial? When did you finish the first?

CaptainPipsqueak: And a better question: When will we?

ToonGuy: Maybe this is what Purgatory is. Reading really stupid stories. Forever.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “First, though, I had to input my credit card information to

purchase more lives.”



It was the thing I shouldn't have done, because I was-



JofY: Already dead?

ToonGuy: A alien?

Crazy56U: Poked with a stick?

CaptainPipsqueak: Really fucking stupid?



well let me tell you, I won't spoil it.



Crazy56U: Get bent, sir. (pokes you with a stick)



Continuing on, my character now came across enemies who were undead ponies brought back to life by that Satanic creature.



JofY: Finally turning it into an actual game.

Scarlet: Unfortunately it was an unlicensed Dark Souls mod and was pulled from Steam.

Crazy56U: Huh, Discord let Lucifer make the final trial?



Some had their chests ripped open, some were missing parts of their brains, and others were losing a few limbs or more.



JofY: That part, made them quite useless as enemies.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Some were even dressed up as football players or disco stars-

wait, this is a Plants vs. Zombies clone…”



This was just getting too too real and intense that I had to tell someone about this atrocity that made it's way to me.



JofY: Pixilated ponies are just too real!

CaptainPipsqueak: Pixel-based ponies practically people? Perfect!

SC276: How about the guy that told you who Discord was? Come to think of it, if Facebook’s still starting up, the development team is probably small enough, and the development office small enough, that your shouts and screams from reacting to this game should’ve attracted attention. As someone who was part of a team of six that made a social media web app, I know these things. You should’ve drawn a crowd by now.

ToonGuy: I thought we mentioned that Mr Tester over here has no one who cares what he’s doing? Maybe this is like a regular thing and they’ve just decided it’s better for him to ride out this drug high on his own.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “But again, no friends, so anyone who decides to read this is close enough in my book…”



I moved on, with much guilt and sorrow, destroying these precious ponies lives that had now become an undead nightmare and a walking symbol of the horrible things that Hellish Beast Discord did.



SC276: Dude, they’re video game characters. This isn’t freakin’ Undertale here.

Scarlet: Not unless this is what happens when Discord attempts a Genocide run.

Crazy56U: Or, plot twist, a Pacifist run…

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m playing a sociopath run in Fallout 3. Just blew up Megaton, but not before killing everyone and cribbing their stuff. They’re going to atomized, right? Now I’m at Rivet City and playing nice.



Doubting I could ever save my company from its terrible fate,



JofY: Your company? You’re barely IT!

Scarlet: The protagonist, Mark Zuckerman.

Crazy56U: Motherfucking Jesse Eisenberg, Jesus Christ.



I decided to move forward, with more determination to defeat this awful murderer. The enemies didn't seem to get tougher, but there were more of them.



JofY: Oi! Padding foul!

SC276: Even more examples of crap design.

Scarlet: What we’ve established here is that Disord makes cheap-ass fake-hard video games that kill you in cheap ways to simulate difficulty.

Crazy56U: And thus this became a Plants vs. Zombies 2 ripoff...



At the end there were the Mane Six, my friend told me were the main characters of My Little Pony, (You know: Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy),



CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you for that. Now we all know for sure.

SC276: Your friend is there and yet he’s not reacting to anything on your screen?!

ToonGuy: Maybe it’s past tense or… OR maybe the friend is Discord and he’s already won and is just mocking IT Guy! And that’s the twist! …or not. I’m very tired.

Crazy56U: Again, Jarom uses Google and tries to make it seem like his life isn’t sad...



all with very wide eyes and small pupils and devilish grins with their mouths open unnaturally wide and their teeth unnaturally white.



JofY: They had just come from a trip to the dentist!

CaptainPipsqueak: They still had all the gritty stuff on them, too!

Scarlet: Literally ripped off from Creepypasta artwork, largely ZALGO-meme inspired. Jesus, at least Spike The Killer Baby had rag dolls!

Crazy56U: (grabs head) Goddamnit, I had blocked that out….



They looked like they were brainwashed or became insane after everypony ever was killed by Discord.



JofY: Props then to the PIXEL art for displaying that.

SC276: Why would they have white teeth at all in that case?

Scarlet: The mark of insanity is good dental hygiene.

Crazy56U: Or Pinkie had another cocaine party and everyone had a little too much fun, if ya catch my drift...



They all came towards me. I had no choice, no option. Some thought came into my mind to press "W, A, S, D, N, and M"



SC276: All at a time? The voice at your head sucks at making things clear.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ow! My Christing fuck; I knew it was a wall of text, but couldn’t one of you have dewalled it first?

RingmasterJ5: De-walling isn’t done here because the fics are presented in their original forms. If the people finding the fic had to suffer through the wall, so do you.

SC276: Y’know, except when people don’t put their riffs before the spaces between words so everyone else knows the paragraph continues, though I suppose that’s mostly my style choice…

CaptainPipqueak: Makes it harder to do. And technically, I guess we’re dewalling it as we go.

SC276: How is it harder to make sure the cursor is-? No, dropping it here, we’re tangeting.

CaptainPipsqueak: Tangents are fun. So are segues. Digressions are neat if you can pull them off. ... What were we talking about again?

Crazy56U: The death of Facebook by means of some spooky spaghetti.



I wasn't sure where, but I think the "Man Upstairs" clearly wanted me to beat this Satan-like creature and his pony squad.



JofY: Clearly God wants you to from the fact that...

SC276: Given he threatened the company, I would assume so, yes.

Scarlet: [Jesus] “How am I supposed to spread my word without social media? You have to win this, Whitebread IT Man!”

Crazy56U: Oh, great, as if the pile of crossovers/plagiarisms wasn’t big enough, now

you’ve roped “The LEGO Movie” into this!



So I did and the buttons shot a giant blue blast towards the ponies and annihilated all of them.



JofY: How did he get through them? He got through them.

Scarlet: I see that Discord forgot to disable the Konami Code.

ToonGuy: Well….that was rather anti-climactic.

Crazy56U: And now we can add Street Fighter to that pile! STOP RIPPING THINGS

OFF!



I didn't prepare for what happened next.



JofY: ‘I actually won something!’

CaptainPipsqueak: “I just had to send them my credit card number for security purposes.”

Crazy56U: And then the computer exploded.



The screen went dark and a high pitched, almost realistic scream was heard and then the demonic face of Discord appeared saying, "You Lost! You cheated!



JofY: ...How?

SC276: Yeah, exactly. It could only be in the game if you put it there! At which point, it’s barely a cheat!

Scarlet: He’s just mad because he hadn’t figured out how to do that combo himself and got stuck on this level.

Crazy56U: [Discord] “You were actually playing the game this time?! FUCK YOU!”



The game's over and I win!" I knew now I probably wouldn't keep my job after what I was entailed with doing.



JofY: Besides the fact that Facebook is now gone.

Scarlet: Because nobody at Facebook keeps back-ups of anything.

Crazy56U: And thus Discord blew up Facebook. THE END



Keeping the whole company alive.



JofY: Yes, it’s random IT guy’s job to keep an entire company afloat.

Crazy56U: Well, this is Alt-Facebook...



I failed. I even thought God was on my side.



Crazy56U: You honestly thought God wanted Facebook to be saved?! ... (violently

laughs)



I guess that was a cheat code, and it let Discord win because the program told it to.



JofY: ...Huh?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, sir; Captain Logic, right here, folks!

SC276: Why would he even put a freakin’ cheat code in there? I mean, I haven’t known Discord to play fair, but this takes place in an alternate continuity where Facebook is a startup, the author couldn’t possibly have known that!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, he also thinks people friend each other on 4chan, unless he’s being sarcastic or ironic or some form of ‘ic’.

Crazy56U: Because, according to the Author’s loose grasp of the subject, that’s how programming works. Either that or the Author took inspiration from GTA IV fucking you out of achievements if you used cheats...



Now I was ashamed. Just then, another final message appeared "Thanks for playing and I hope see you… in Hell!" The game quit out and my boss called me on the phone.



Scarlet: [Boss] “Jarom, we’ve talked about playing video games on company time. Especially those haunted ones!”

Crazy56U: [Boss] “Were you seriously playing that Discord fucker’s game?! I sent out a memo about this!”



He shouted through the phone"Get your freaking keister



CaptainPipsqueak: [Jarom] “I’m sorry, sir, but I assure you my keister most definitely does not “freak”.

Crazy56U: Because apparently in the timeline where Facebook’s creation got pushed

back 8 years, all swearing in the world got regressed to 1960s preschool level

nonsense.

ToonGuy: Gotta go BACK in time.



in here and tell me what the hay is going on!"



Crazy56U: ...either that, or Jarom’s boss is actually Twilight in disguise...



I replied "Yes sir."



I walked down the corridor of shame



CaptainPipsqueak: Carpeted with the Carpet of Woe.

SC276: Torches placed regularly along the walls…

CaptainPipsqueak: And the air filled with the wailings of fired secretaries who are chained there...

Crazy56U: And he was forced to walk down it completely naked while everyone

pointed and laughed at him.

ToonGuy: And with a note saying ‘KICK ME’ near his penis.

JofY: And it was badly lit. All and all, the feng shui was just terrible.



to his office where I knew he was going to fire me right on the spot. There, I opened the door and sat at his chair.



JofY: Wow, you are an idiot.

SC276: I know, right?

Crazy56U: Well, if he was going down, at least Jarom’s going down in a blaze of...

glory?

Scarlet: I can only assume he did it Riker-style, for extra points.



He clearly seemed more ticked off than usual, and that's saying something.



JofY: Maybe because you sat on HIS CHAIR!

Crazy56U: Nah, he had hemorrhoids.



A guy like him never gets more than ticked off. That's enraged. That's what he was like now.



SC276: That’s you. That’s what you sound like right now.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Thank for explain the mechanic of mad.

JofY: This is your brain on mad. Any questions?



"Jarom!" He yelled at me,



ToonGuy: Bless you!

Crazy56U: [Boss] “I thought I told you to change your stupid name!!!”



even though we were staring each other in the face



Crazy56U: Oh, goody, now Jarom’s face is going to be covered in spit...



"Do you know what you just did by letting whatever program that was into our servers?!"



Scarlet: [Boss] “I know it was you who did it because I backtraced it and you’ve been reported to the cyber police!”

Crazy56U: Ooh, ooh, let me guess, shenanigans?!



"No I don't sir…" I put my head down in shame.



SC276: Pretty sure you do, bubbleh.

Crazy56U: I know that this won’t be relevant in a bit, but how exactly did you get a job for Facebook again?



"You just erased all of our data and files to update Facebook and even the original code for it!



JofY: Because they never backed up their data.

SC276: He even got to their Git repository? And, y’know, everything on paper? Our web app development had a lot of paper.

CaptainPipsqueak: And portable media? DVD? Memory cards? Good fuck; do none of you understand the term ‘hard-copy backup’?

Crazy56U: Basically, Discord took a magnet to Facebook, killing it. Makes sense to me!



Do you know what this means?! Facebook no longer exists,



Crazy56U: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!



and thanks to you, all of us lose our jobs!"



SC276: [boss] “Because it’s not like we can just try again since, given we were testing how to invite people to games, we all know what we’re doing now!”

ToonGuy: “Yes, we’re such a good company that just one employee can destroy everything we’ve worked for, and we won’t bother trying again, so everyone must go! I’M SUCH A SMARTIE!”

Crazy56U: Oh. ... ... ... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!



"Sir- I didn't!"



"Yes you did! Now get out before I call a law enforcement officer to take care of you!"



CaptainPipsqueak: “Or thank you! Or punch you in the face! One of the three! Maybe

all three! Why am I yelling?!”

SC276: They’re called “police” or “cops,” boss-person.

CaptainPipsqueak: He wanted to use big fancy words so he doesn’t sound like the head of a company of buffoons.

ToonGuy: Too late.

Crazy56U: Or, you could pull out a gun and do it yourself, Mr. Boss...



I ran out of there and out of the building never ever to come back again.



JofY: ‘Should have probably gotten my stuff first.’

Scarlet: I don’t think he’ll miss it, it’s mostly NES cartridges with the name of the game written in sharpie.

Crazy56U: Except he returned five minutes later to try and get his last paycheck.



I was happy that now I could leave that hayhole of a place



Crazy56U: Yes, because even though you yourself used the word “Satanic”, using the phrase “hellhole” would just be silly!



that clearly wasn't for me after this life-threatening experience.



JofY: That’s not even counting the game!

Crazy56U: How was that life threatening, you sucked at video games when you

should’ve been working!



Now I would be doomed to exile after forcing the biggest Social Media company to go extinct and wiped off the face of this planet.



JofY: So now it’s no longer a startup?

SC276: This is why I try to avoid doing stuff when angry. Continuity goes out the window.

ToonGuy: How did you know what he ruined next? Bill Gates was pissed.

Scarlet: I remember the wild west days when Facebook exploded because of My LIttle Pony. Good times.

Crazy56U: But Facebook literally was just getting started in this universe, I doubt it

reached the level of “popularity” it did here! Calm down, you’re making this way

bigger than it should be!



I would just go home and be a bum for a couple weeks so I could find a job where the stress and pressure wasn't on me too much.



JofY: Uh… No, that is not what a bum is.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, bumism is kind of set on the theory that you lack a house.

ToonGuy: Actually, lacking a lot of things.

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure the implication is that he’s going to be evicted from his

house soon due to helping kill Facebook.



Only, I couldn't help thinking that that "Discord" character, the one who hacked my computer,



Crazy56U: Except no, that’s not what happened…

JofY: Oh, that rascally Discord.



probably was lurking around watching me somewhere.



SC276: ALWAYS WATCHING, WAZOWSKI. ALWAYS.

Crazy56U: Nah, I think he has better things to do than stalk your dumb ass. Like... ridding the world of social media websites. ...apparently...



Now I know, NEVER to trust any foreign message I get or any Social Media site ever again!



JofY: You’d think a company that’s on the internet would make sure it’s employees know about the concept of spam.

RingmasterJ5: Well, that was… something. Now for the sequel, “DiscordExe Part 2: Revenge of the Possessed Draconequus”

SC276: Oh god there’s more?!

ToonGuy: *head desks*

Crazy56U: G-guys, how did you not know? T-the name of this document is “The DiscordExe Trilogy”...

ToonGuy: I was hoping you’d just forget about it after reading the first story and let us all go home early…..I’m goddamn stupid.



2



Crazy56U: Well, you’re not wrong, this is a big #2…

JofY: It’s a comically oversized pencil?

Crazy56U: ...s-sure, let’s go with that.



Revenge of The Possessed Draconequus



SC276: So… wait, something is possessing Discord this time?

ToonGuy: You mean aside from bad writing?

Crazy56U: Drugs are possessing Discord. This is about to turn into a Very Special

Episode.



Preface:



Crazy56U: “This is the point of no return, turn back now…”



The " " program



JofY: The main characters from ‘No Game No Life’?

SC276: I wish. They might actually make this interesting.

RingmasterJ5: Oh, right, expect this a lot. FFNet removes all links, and it repeatedly caught “Discord.exe” as one. The author never bothered to go back and fix it because that’d be too much work, so you’re stuck with the main villain being referred to as two empty quotation marks from here on out.

ToonGuy: Well this story is certainly empty, so I can’t argue with that.

CaptainPipsqueak: Does this mean the villain is Old Man Saunders in a ghost costume, scaring away visitors so he can keep the pirate treasure and he would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids?

SC276: Don’t forget their dog.

CaptainPipsqueak: Scooby or Scrappy? Because Scrappy can fuck right off.

ToonGuy: And as for Scooby GODDAMN Dum… well, that’s one dog who won’t go to heaven.

Crazy56U: And now I’m being reminded of that one fucking episode of Family Guy, thanks for that.



that had destroyed the life of Jarom Jezrel and the popular Social Media site, "Facebook", now intended to do worse.



JofY: He was going to bring it back!

Crazy56U: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



He was looking to eradicate all of the Social Media sites.



SC276: ALL of them.

ToonGuy: BUT HOW WILL WE SURVIVE WITHOUT TINDER?!?!?

JofY: Uh… The whole internet can be thought of one whole social… thing. Does it plan to destroy all internet? What about sites that have social elements to them like FIMfic? Sure, it’s main purpose is not to be social, but it has social elements to it. Is Skype included, or is it just internet sites? That’s quite a vague statement.

CaptainPipsqueak: Wouldn’t that be kind of like trying to destroy air at this point?

Scarlet: Discord- also North Korea.

Crazy56U: Why? Is it because nobody would like his posts or whatever?



This "program" was more than your average "computer program".



JofY: It was a “programed computer”!

Crazy56U: It was a cartoon character!



It was actually a "he". Crazy56U: Well, makes sense, Discord is a dick, so logically he should have one...



A "he" who was the ghost of an enraged soul who had been driven to suicide after his "so called" friends" had made fun of him because he told them he was a "Brony" or a "Bro" that likes "My Little Pony".



RingmasterJ5: “You’re” “using” “too” “many” “quotes”.

JofY: Given that quotes that aren’t of a proper noun, are meant to be sarcastic, does that mean that he was only pretending to be a fan or something?

SC276: I’m guessing that the author’s not one himself, given “Bro” is not an abbreviation of brony.

Crazy56U: Whelp, it’s that time once again to reference Supernatural!



Scarlet: ...I’m going to play my “get out of rant free card” by saving my thoughts on this chestnut to the end. May NaturalGlitch’s benevolent riffing spirit preserve me.



Revenge what was this awful spirit wanted. It was so that each of his "friends", worked at each of the Social Media sites:



JofY: Ain’t that just a mighty big coincidence.

Scarlet: What, were they planning to build a literal social media empire?

Crazy56U: Each earning a paycheck at each individual amount based on each quality of

work done by each of them.



"Facebook", "Twitter", "Tumblr", "YouTube", and the most evil that spirit thought about everyday, the place that his "friends" had "de-friended" him, "4chan".



JofY: Okay, that thing I told you to remember, I’m bringing it back up. Was Jarom, or whatever, friends with him? Because, he casually mentions that he heard about Discord from a friend! He doesn’t mention that the person who said it, he unfriended, or that person offed himself or anything! You’d think that might have been important!

SC276: The author is clearly writing by just pouring his unleaded rage onto his keyboard. He doesn’t give two fucks about continuity.

ToonGuy: Yeah, what schmucks would care about that? …...Goddamn it.

Scarlet: I’m just gonna be jerk and note that if you expected anything less than jackassery on 4chan, you might not have been born with common sense.

Crazy56U: Holy fuck, technically, my “nobody liked Discord’s posts” theory was right!



The devil of all Social Media sites.



RingmasterJ5: You know, 4chan! That place with the… friends list…

CaptainPipsqueak: This guy probably thinks the Internet is a series of tubes.

SC276: Who does this guy think he is, Chris-chan?

Scarlet: He’s too low-level dork to be Chris-chan. Also Chris-Chan would’ve included Deviantart in his list of targets.

Crazy56U: No, Author, that would be Tumblr. Trust me.

CaptainPipsqueak: Honestly, I think if every one of these sites vanished, the entire

planet would heave a sigh of relief and fill the void with something valid.



The five friends had gone to a psychic and found that their friend, after killing himself, was now haunting them using " " as revenge for their terrible crimes of bullying against him.



JofY: “Aw man, my computer has been acting up… Probably haunted.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Well. that’s what you get for buying a Mac.”

Crazy56U: Never thought quotation marks could be used as a weapon...



They have made an "invincible firewall",



Crazy56U: Ah, so they invented McAfee. ...should’ve invented Norton...



although one of them forgot to install it.



JofY: How? A vengeful spirit is after him! I think that’d take priority in one’s daily life!

SC276: Also, if they made a firewall capable of keeping stuff of that caliber out, how have they not set the new market standard and are rich right now?

ToonGuy: Nah, they’ve succumbed to Lex Luthor Syndrome.

CaptainPipsqueak: Does this mean at some point one of them will steal forty cakes? Because that’s terrible.

Crazy56U: Because it was Happy Hour over at the local Sonic and, hey, half priced

slushees, who wouldn’t want that? Disclaimer: I fucking hate Sonic and their fucking

commercials.



This is how this "friend" of this corrupted spirit was tortured by " ".



CaptainPipsqueak: Damn that “ “; damn him all to * *!

Scarlet: It’s like the author forgot to erase his placeholder.

Crazy56U: He was tortured by nothing, so, technically, the story’s over before it

began.



Chapter 2: Joseph Jordan



Scarlet: Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Part IX: Discord.exe is Unbearable.

Crazy56U: chew



September 2013



Hey, my name's Joseph Jordan,



CaptainPipsqueak: Hi, Joseph!

SC276: And now the author remembers he’s trying to write a creepypasta.

ToonGuy: Yeah, as someone who doesn’t read that many creepypastas, aren’t they supposed to be….I don’t know, going out on a limb here, stop me if you’ve heard this one before….creepy?!

Crazy56U: “and I’m here today to talk to you about Rogaine.”



I work for Twitter.



CaptainPipsqueak: Apt. My first thought was “This man is a twit.”

Crazy56U: ...why?

CaptainPipsqueak: My statement or his?

Crazy56U: Sorry if that confused you, that was directed to the guy who is willingly

working for Twitter. ...again, though, why?

CaptainPipsqueak: The Reason, you fool! The Reason!

ToonGuy: 42. That’s why.



My job is to check messages to make sure none of them are corrupted or with viruses.



JofY: Ah yes, those deadly 140 character coded tweets.

SC276: Judging from every Direct Message I’ve ever got, Joseph, you’re failing.

Scarlet: Ever-watchful for the Spam of Dio Brando.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “This is, of course, the most boring job in the world.”



It's really easy, I have a program to check them, but occasionally a questionable one will come through.



JofY: It’s called: porn.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or, as we call it, half the internet’s reason to exist.

ToonGuy: The other half is to do with cats….

Crazy56U: And God help you if you combine them...



I check it and either delete it, or keep it.



SC276: Why would you keep malware again? Besides for emailing to your antivirus software developer of choice, with proper notice?

CaptainPipsqueak: To surprise a friend?

Scarlet: Clearly Jojo is doing it in order to use it as a secret weapon against the return of the Pillar Men!

Crazy56U: Maybe he just collects viruses for fun...



There was such a program, after I had found out " " used to be my friend, Jeremy Michaelson, who offed himself when we were teasing him for being a "Brony".



JofY: What is this fic and people with names starting with J?

ToonGuy: Maybe they’re part of a club. The J-Stars?

SC276: And how could he possibly know this anyway?

Crazy56U: Well, there are worse names. Like Derek (drops a thing on the table), for

example.



I still regret it and blame myself for what happened. I try not to dwell on the past.



CaptainPipsqueak: “...I mean, I only destroyed his career. It’s not like it’ll haunt him for the rest of his life. Water under the bridge, right?”

Crazy56U: After all, until time travel is invented, what’s the point?



Anyway, a message appeared on my anti-virus software. It was from "Discord: The Master of Chaos" with the demonic draconequus profile picture.



Scarlet: This must be the work of an enemy Stand!

JofY: Or of a leet hacker.

Crazy56U: Figures Discord likes to selfie...



I hesitated.



JofY: ‘Did the demon manage to actually change my anti-virus into something social?’

` Crazy56U: [Joseph] “Aw, man, I didn’t actually want to work today…”



I didn't want my boss to fire me because Twitter would be destroyed, but if I didn't click on it, he would just do it anyway.



JofY: He would click on the link?

SC276: I don’t think you understand how computers work. Actually, I read the last fic; I know you don’t understand how computers work.

CaptainPipsqueak: I actually think I may be getting smarter.

Crazy56U: Oh God, this is actually making me upset...



So, being the complete dumb person that I was, I checked this out.



Crazy56U: Okay, being self aware doesn’t justify crap. You don’t know for sure that

not clicking the link would be as bad as clicking it. CALL YOUR BOSS AND ASK FOR

HELP.



I should have never clicked on that message.



JofY: Even though you had to click on it… clicking on it was stupid...

SC276: If you knew it would be stupid, why would you fucking do it?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Because he’s stupid, stupid.

Scarlet: Jojo, you fool! Where do you think that link has sent me flying to?

Crazy56U: Why didn’t you just take the third option and smash the computer?



It was my end of my great career at a very well-paying social media industry and the end of all that was Twitter.



RingmasterJ5: And everyone breathed a sigh of relief knowing that their conversations wouldn’t be limited to 140 characters anymore.

Crazy56U: yaaaaaay

CaptainPipsqueak: wooooo

ToonGuy: *pulls out a party hat and places it on head* Go team.



Just like Facebook, I was expecting this to completely erase all of everything that was Twitter.



JofY: Because again, they never backed up anything!

Crazy56U: You literally already essentially just said that.

CaptainPipsqueak: These people are too stupid to get out of bed.

Scarlet: In the words of Harry Markopolous: “[he can] count to twenty-one if he takes off his pants.”



This day was a day to be remembered,



JofY: Yes today, August… wait… What’s today’s date?

Crazy56U: Heh, cute, you’re comparing this to Pearl Ha-



a day which I lived in infamy for the rest of my life, the bombing of My Career and Life Harbor.



Crazy56U: UMMMMMMMMMM...

JofY: But what will we do for Life Day without Life Harbor!?

CaptainPipsqueak: I dunno. But as long as Wookiees aren’t involved, I’m sure we can cope with it.



(To those of you who respect those who died at Pearl Harbor,



JofY: [Author] “If don’t like, don’t read!”



I do as well and I do not in anyway disregard their sacrifices for our country.



JofY: [Author] “But let me just toss a land mine right at my feet. What could go wrong?”

Crazy56U: UMMMMMMMMMM...



It was just something that sounded good to use-DiscordXChaos)



Crazy56U: UMMMMMMMMMM...

SC276: OK, one, author messages in the middle of the text. Two, equating anything this stupid to Pearl Harbor, you insensitive clod.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I’ve seen people do 9/11 based stories or “This person just died; I should puke out a thousand word story and wait for the upvotes for the feels” stories. The backlash is literally orgasm-inducing.

Scarlet: Given the Jojo kick this chapter name sent me on, may I propose we feed this guy to a vampire?

ToonGuy: Only if it’s a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE. Like Alucard.

Crazy56U: Better idea: let’s get drunk.



I foolishly clicked on the message, and it sent me to a game that was its own website in its own browser.



SC276: Three, it would open a new tab, at worst.

JofY: Wait, its own browser!? When did that download?

Crazy56U: So, wait, Discord invented his own browser along with his own game? Hell, what the fuck kind of game needs its own brow-



This game was in a 2d platform style similar to Five Nights At Freddy's 4 (Copyright Scott Cawthon).



JofY: ...oh fuck no.

Crazy56U: Oh, GOD, we’re- we’re just nosediving into the ground at this point!

RingmasterJ5: FNAF4 wasn’t even in a “2D platform style”...

Crazy56U: Maybe in this timeline it is, but that would be justifying the Author’s crap,

so...

SC276: Actually, there was for a short time a “Five Nights at Freddy’s 4” platform game that someone put on mobile platforms. Scott sued for invoking detriment to his brand or somesuch and had it taken down.

CaptainPipsqueak: Stop defending the author. It makes me queasy.



Except it looked exactly like my bedroom at home… in my apartment.



JofY: Oh no! That must mean something… Possibly!

Scarlet; This must be the work of an Enemy Stand!

Crazy56U: Oh no! The game’s been modded!



I didn't know what to think, but it definitely was "What the cotton candy was stinking going on!?"



SC276: Well offhand, I’d say what was going on is you clicked a link you know you shouldn’t have clicked and why did anyone even hire you.

CaptainPipsqueak: And he’s also working for another company that doesn’t hard back-up their data. Why are these people allowed near computers?

ToonGuy: Also, that you’re a grown ass man who just asked “What the cotton candy was stinking going on?”

Crazy56U: USE ACTUAL SWEARS YOU CHUCKLEFUCK!



I know my bedroom has a door to the left and a closet at the right side. There was a window at the middle, over-looking the street and the houses below the apartment building. My dresser was at the left of the window and the right side had my desk with my flat-screen and my Xbox One on top of it



Scarlet: Jojo’s Totally Mundane Bedroom.

Crazy56U: This episode of “This Old House” is shit.



. The closet had my dress-shirts, suit coats, ties and tie hanger on it, and my polos hanging up and my books on the shelf above of Dragon Ball Z, Naruto, Bleach, any anime you could think of a guy could like, were hanging up everywhere on my walls.



JofY: Even Monster Musume?

SC276: So, half of them are hentai?

CaptainPipsqueak: Aren’t they usually?

Scarlet: Somehow I doubt Jojo has posters of Revolutionary Girl Utena.

Crazy56U: What about “Puella Magi Madoka Magica”? “One Punch Man”? “The

Amazing World of Gumball”?



I was a "anime freak" as they would call it.



Crazy56U: You mean “otaku”. And I hate that I know that phrase.

Scarlet: Actually… no. “Otaku” is what western weebs call it, but contextually “anime freak” is a great translation. Hell, they used it in Space Dandy’s dub for that exact word. Points for not being as terrible as usual, person!

Crazy56U: Thank you for educating us, but I still don’t like that I know the phrase “otaku”...

ToonGuy: There is a solution to that. *holds out bottle*

Crazy56U: Thank you kindly. (puts head on table) Swing as hard as you can, don’t hold back.



Now I knew my friend hadn't been to my apartment, because the year he had committed suicide, all of my friends were still in high school and I was living in my parent's place. We had met using '4chan". I know, you are thinking, "4chan? Isn't that where Slenderman was created?"



JofY: Actually I was thinking: ‘You can make lasting relationships on 4chan?’

SC276: I was thinking “Isn’t 4chan famously where everyone is anonymous?”

CaptainPipsqeak: Nonono. This is 4chan: Where Everyone Knows Your Name.

Scarlet: And that name is “Anon”.

Crazy56U: Look, unless 4Chan has Norm, I don’t like it having that motto…



I know, I know



Crazy56U: Yeah, no, I don’t think ya do!



but at the time, we had no idea. We just chatted like regular friends do on message boards, talking about things we like and no one caring why we liked them or the reason we did.



JofY: Okay, fic, you’ve somehow managed to make something more B.S. than a ghost that wants to destroy all social networks. Stop now.

RingmasterJ5: “The horrendous gore that was constantly being posted in our ’personal threads’ was a deterrent, but we powered through it.”

SC276: I’ve only read like archives of quest threads on that thing, and I know this guy has no idea what he’s talking about.

Crazy56U: I have very little knowledge of how 4Chan operates, because I avoid that

site like the plague, but I extremely doubt the Author even knows what 4Chan is...



So I knew my friend Jeremy didn't know what my apartment looked like.



JofY: But for some reason, you trusted him enough to exchange names.

ToonGuy: “Well hi, random stranger, here are the keys to my house!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Why is this character ALIVE?!

Scarlet: Joseph Joestar’s Steel Ball Run equivalent is kinda lame.

Crazy56U: Except for that time Jeremy broke in and crashed on his couch.



But, this spirit did and I figured "If I don't figure out this game and how the layout of my apartment works in this game, then I may as well quit my job now."



JofY: Every member of Twitter has a minor in some form of supernatural work.

SC276: Can he just not hold down the power button until the power cuts? That’s a hardware thing, a program can’t change that.

Scarlet: He can’t because again, this is the work of an enemy Stand! ..and on my third time repeating this, I realize that honestly that would make more sense as an explanation than what we’ve had so far.

Crazy56U: So... quit, then...



I was very nervous, because I didn't want to be laid off because of my stupidity in playing this fudgesicled-up game.



JofY: This shit-up game?

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Fudgesicled-up’? Oh shit; that’s going on my list.

ToonGuy: What is this guy’s fascination with sweet things!?

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, I know that you know how to properly swear, jackass, stop

doing this shit!



I needed to call my boss.



Crazy56U: [Joseph] “I needed hugs.”



Although, right now the game was calm.



JofY: Best to wait till the absolute last second to let others know.

Crazy56U: Cue jumpscare.



The premise of the game "Five Nights at Freddy's 4", was to check the doors and the closet for the "Nightmare Animatronics" that lurk around every corner.



JofY: Wait a sec, if this is a year after the previous fic.... FNAF 4 hasn’t been made yet! I call hax!

Scarlet: [Jeremy] “How do you like that, Jojo? This is the power of my Stand, Nice Sprites! It teleports creepy video games from the future!”

Crazy56U: And the hallways, dumbass, you gotta check them too...



Only, this concept applied to my bedroom. I would have to look for the "animatronic" who was the demonic " "



RingmasterJ5: Ever been jumpscared by demonic quotation marks? Shit’s… well, not really intense at all, actually. They just kind of… float… at you.

ToonGuy: Kind of the Creepypasta equivalent of a ghost train. Things just sort of hop out and make odd noises.

SC276: So you’re starting on Night 5? Can’t creepypasta characters come up with a decent-ass game for once? Or at least something like that one shooter where killing an enemy deleted one of your computer’s files?

Crazy56U: Quotation marks are not demonic, try again.



I knew I would have to check my closet, the window, and my door. I could do this!



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, most people can check their closets, windows and doors, barring some form of physical injury.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “I could probably not fuck up!”



I could defeat this terrible and wicked program.



CaptainPipsqueak: Oh. You meant that.

Crazy56U: Which you could’ve done minutes ago by turning off the computer and not

playing the game...



I just didn't know how.



SC276: If Markiplier couldn’t get through the first night on his own, I don’t have high hopes for you.

Scarlet: To be fair, Markiplier tends to jump back when attacked by large enough dust bunnies.

Crazy56U:



I just hope I have the strength to defeat the "thing" that took down "Facebook" forever. Wait, maybe not forever!



JofY: It’s just most of forever.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “Maybe just for an eternity, that sounds good...”



What if I took out this dreaded monster and rid the world of him, maybe that would change everything back to normal!?



JofY: ...Okay, everyone it’s time for your new favorite game: “Guess! His! Age!” He has just said that if somehow the coding for Facebook reappeared, the company would still be around to use it or something. With this lack of knowledge of how the world works, Guess! His! Aaaaaaaaage!

ToonGuy: Uh, I’ll put down five bucks on him being… five to seven?

SC276: Dude, the virus deleted Facebook, it didn’t steal it.

Crazy56U: This isn’t “Jumanji”, dude, winning the game doesn’t mean everything is

reset!



No no no, I would get completely killed in the game by this demonic software.



JofY: He’d die if he won?

CaptainPipsqueak: So we bet on a straight-up victory, then?

Scarlet: My theory of this actually being rejected JJBA material grows in credence.

Crazy56U: Wait, now your defeatist, what’s with the mood swing?



Sorry for my ranting, let's begin!



JofY: Okay, let’s see a guy play a game in a purely text based format.

CaptainPipsqueak: Five dollars says he gets trapped in a maze of twisty little passages all alike, ten says he’s eaten by a Grue.

Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, Joseph got possessed by the narrator for a bit...



The game comprised of me checking everywhere in the room.



JofY: This is a platformer.

SC276: Protip: if you’re going to make a creepypasta about a video game, play a fucking video game first.

Crazy56U: And now FNAF 4 became a point-and-click adventure game. I want to eat

glass.



It was painstaking difficult and boring at the same time because I was doing the same thing over and over, still pressured into waiting for the monster to pop out of anywhere.



Scarlet: I think he’s just copying reviews of FNAF 4 and adding editorials at this point.

Crazy56U: Wasn’t the Author’s original intent with this series to shit on social media websites he didn’t like? He should probably go back to that...



The game was you watching for the animatronics, "Foxy", "Chica", "Bonnie", and "Freddy". Now, it seemed like the game was just looking for "Nightmare Fredbear". That consisted of just one animatronic who was more overpowered than the rest of the chaotic crew. He could get you from almost anywhere.



SC276: God fucking damn, he is on Night 5. I WAS JOKING.

Crazy56U: I think it’s clear how this happened...



I looked and looked and looked until finally, in the closet, I saw something. Red eyes that stared back at me, with glowing intent.



JofY: It wanted to put glow paint all over him!

CaptainPipsqueak: “It puts the glow paint on it’s skin, or else it gets the hose again!”

Crazy56U: Dear God, don’t turn into porn...



Then "BAM!".



JofY: Apparently the spirit just shot the guy.

Scarlet: Bad Ass Motherfuckers.

Crazy56U: Emeril Lagasse?! What’re you doing here?!



A giant face of the demonic Discord animatronic appeared on screen and a loud scream pierced my ears, making me fall over and hit the back of my head on the ground. I got up and kept playing.



JofY: ...Uh, it’s a bit late for that.

ToonGuy: Also, you’re taking this well. This was me, I’d have given up by this point.

Crazy56U: Yeah, fuck the potential concussion you may have, you’ve got a website to

fail to save!



Unfortunately to my dismay, the screen had a red text with blood oozing from it saying "Do you want to try again? Who's up for Night 2?



JofY: Skip this level, surely then you can then beat the harder version of this.

SC276: This series actually offends me with its base lack of video game knowledge!

Scarlet: I have a plan. *dramatically smashes the computer* See? Not even hard!

Crazy56U: (computer magically repairs itself) whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy



This time it'll be different. Do you want to play again? I'll give you a real challenge this next time around."



SC276: Y’know, even though he died the first time. Why are you even bothering with the pretense if everything’s rigged in your favor? Just delete Twitter already.

Crazy56U: Is the challenge a game of Pong?



The two options, yes or no appeared. Maybe it was because I was dazed and mighty heart-struck by the jumpscare from earlier,



Crazy56U: Okay, “dazed” confirms that you have a concussion, but combined with the

heart thing makes me think that you’ve gone into shock and are now dying. ...please

die faster...

ToonGuy: It’s like Jacob’s Ladder, except if the man who wrote it had never seen

anything scary before.



but I still persevered on.



Scarlet: Lamest. Jojo. Protagonist. Ever.

Crazy56U: Hmm... make a joke, or groan in pain... ...eh, both... (groan)



The next game that appeared, after I clicked the "Yes" button, was an arcade game similar to the one's in Five Nights at Freddy's 3 (Again, Copyright Scott Cawthon)



Crazy56U: I hope to God he sues you for this.

CaptainPipsqueak: And then burns your house down. With lemons.

ToonGuy: AND DOES SOMETHING EVEN WORSE. WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE..

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, too far, man. Too far.

ToonGuy: Sorry…..long day.

CaptainPipsqueak: You never invoke the Mountain Dew curse unless he’s killed

people.



you get when you try to please all the spirits to get the good ending. It was the blood red moon, black forest background from the game that Jarom played,



SC276: [narrator] “...which I somehow know about…”

Scarlet: Which I’m sure will look amazing rendered as an early arcade game.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “and I know that despite not taking part in the first story is the same reason why this virus is threatening to delete Twitter if I don’t beat FNAF: because shut up.”



only in "Atari" style. The ponies dead in the background were all still scary, as their bodies were also almost realistic.



JofY: Can someone please tell me why Creepypasta writers have this insistence that things are realistic?

SC276: Atari. Realistic. Author, do you even see yourself write?

CaptainPipsqueak: I think this guy just thinks ‘2600’ is a series of numbers.

Crazy56U: Yes. Realistic Atari-style blocks you PIECE OF FUCK



Pushing forward, fighting back fear and terror, I walked through the level as the man who had a pink outfit with the blue "Twitter" logo on it and blue spiked up hair.



JofY: On the plus side, seeing that, he was no longer scared.

Scarlet: Maximum Anime Levels detected.

Crazy56U: Man, Sonic sure fell on hard times after he became human and starting

working for Twitter...



He was taking a stroll, no fleeing for his life, through the demonic wasteland.



JofY: Maybe it was just taking in the beauty of everything.

Crazy56U: Man, taking a Sunday walk through Hell is just the best...



As he got to the end, it got darker and darker until blood appeared on the screen and a red text with blood under it appeared saying "You lost, you got caught!



SC276: Are you fucking serious. Just “you lose,” without any warning, prompt, or even instructions?! DO U EVEN GAME

JofY: Clearly this was a hunting game with Metal Gear V’s mechanics and he was supposed to punch a tree several times in order to start crafting cover. In an Atari pixel format.

Crazy56U: BY WHAT?! THE BLOOD?!?!



How about Night 3!? You have one more chance to make your chances of saving your precious Twitter to an all time, never-getting-hacked-again status.



JofY: So if he wins, they will be hacked? Or maybe it’s that since the company still exists, they can be hacked and he’s twisting words?

Crazy56U: Joseph, buddy, at this point, it’s obvious that Twitter’s getting deleted no

matter what he says. Just turn off the computer and go get lunch, or something...



Are you ready for the Final Night!?" No no no no nope nope nope nope… I can't do this. I can't risk all of Twitter being completely wiped out because of my stupidity!



Crazy56U: And so, he calls his boss-



But, I must do it for my company!



Crazy56U: (slams head into table)

ToonGuy: FOR GREAT JUSTICE.



What if I don't?



SC276: Then we could all go home early! Fucking quit, ya moron!

ToonGuy: Argh, I’ve got DOCTOR WHO TO WATCH!!! DO SOMETHING YOU IDIOT.

Crazy56U: Then life as we know it will be marginally better off. Quit while you’re

“ahead”, Joseph.



I would probably die or Twitter would get deleted anyway. So I pressed "Yes" and continued.



SC276: There are not enough Floweys in the world to say how much of an idiot this guy is.

Scarlet: But they’re all going to anyway! *dramatically reveals an army of alt-timeline Floweys*

SC276: ...How determined are you?

Crazy56U: I hope to God this results in you getting stabbed with a spork, you dumbass.



The "Final Night" was a version of the camera checking from Five Nights at Freddys 1-3 (also Copyright Scott Cawthon).



Scarlet: OH really? After the first couple of times, I thought this one would be copyrighted to Disney.

Crazy56U: (glares)



Only, the goal here was to make the main villain never come to your office, or you were automatically dead.



JofY: Instead of in the real game where you’re supposed to die horribly.

Scarlet: What, the main villain is your boss and you’re playing video games on company time?

Crazy56U: Really, I thought it was wait until 6AM... I mean, there are instances of 6AM

being reached just as the jumpscare plays...



I tried, and the audio, which was an audio clip of Pinkamena's (insane Pinkie Pie's) laugh, played.



SC276: OK, why reference FNaF 1 and 2 if you’re just going to use 3’s mechanics?

Crazy56U: Because the Author has clearly stopped caring.



The creature moved from one room to the next.



JofY: Oh, the horror....

Crazy56U: Ah, so it was like most things.



I had done this several times when finally, he left, but I couldn't find him. I thought this was it! I was done! I couldn't work at Twitter after what I did. then moved to the camera close to my room. I clicked on the room way away from my room and played the audio, but it didn't happen.



SC276: Your audio broke. Reboot it.

Scarlet: On second thought, don’t. I want you to suffer.

Crazy56U: Oh dear, the audio drivers are fucked.



I continued this and he didn't leave.



JofY: Didn’t leave? You don’t know where it is!

Crazy56U: [Creature] “I just want to be friends! Why don’t you like me?!”



I had no choice but to give up.



SC276: I said reboot the audio, you goddamn moron.

Crazy56U: Yes. Lie down on the floor and cry. You just fucked everything up.



Again, the demon jumpscared me and this time I was ready.



JofY: He wasn’t wearing pants to crap in.

Crazy56U: He was already on the floor.



I shuttered just a little bit and I almost got scared.



SC276: Congratulations on not being scared of a FNaF jumpscare on the second go-round. It only took Markiplier, what, a dozen deaths before that happened.

Scarlet: Again, dust-bunnies.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a dust buster, gives it to Scarlet) Here, now you can shut up about those dust bunnies...



But, I knew I couldn't win.



JofY: After all, you spoiled it for us.

Crazy56U: Well, it’s kinda hard to win at this point given how, you know, you already

lost?



Goodbye career. Proceeding the insta-death, a screen appeared. "Good try!



JofY: “You get a gold star!”

Crazy56U: “You almost tried this time!”



Now Twitter is completely wiped off the map!



JofY: Oh, he didn’t destroy their servers, he just made it impossible to find their offices.

SC276: So, Twitter became Hogwarts?

Crazy56U: I’d like to imagine that this is playing in the background, just to insult

Joseph some more... Well, either that or because I want to be happy again.



Great! Awesome job! You are amazing! You let your entire company down by losing a game against the Master of Chaos! Ha-ha-ha!"



SC276: Is it really that satisfying to win a game you’re guaranteed to win?

ToonGuy: It’s a bit like watching that one rich kid who pays off all the other players to let him win a game of football. Why watch if you know the outcome?

Scarlet: Obsessive hate-reading?

Crazy56U: [Discord] “Yeah, you could beat my rigged-as-shit unbeatable games! Get

rekt, scrub!”



The game closed and I cried there for five minutes



JofY: Wimp.

Crazy56U: Suck it up, you big baby, you could've avoided this had you stopped being a dumb sack of crap.



until I called my boss, tears still in my eyes, but I held them back.



"Sir-sir-s-" I choked.



Scarlet: And died of asphyxiation a few minutes later.

Crazy56U: Good.



"Yes what is it!? I don't have a lot of- wait I'm getting another call." He switched lines and then a few minutes later, switched back to my line. "Yes what do you want!? I know that our Twitter servers is offline, all of it is gone! What happened!?"



SC276: [boss] “...and the redundant servers, are you freakin’ kidding me? Is this anytime like the time half of the AT&T servers failed because their new version had a cascading DoS bug?”

Scarlet: No, no they reversed the polarity of the neutron flow by enhancing the image and isolating it. Makes perfect sense!

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure the virus simply peed on the servers until they broke.



"I-I-I-" I tried to make into words "I couldn't help it! I knew that this virus was going to wipe out all of our data! I tried to stop it! I couldn't!



SC276: That’s because you didn’t shut off your computer because you did the same thing the idiot from Facebook did!



The virus completely took out all of our servers! Please… don't fire me sir!"



Scarlet: [Jojo] “Fire the guy who designed our security measures, he’s clearly to blame for this shit!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, no, your ass is grass, kid.



My boss paused for a few minutes and then responded, angry but calm "Hey- I understand your feelings and the thoughts you had, and how you had to save this company.



JofY: ...How did the boss know this?

Scarlet: He was watching the whole thing on youtube as this guy uploaded it as a Let’s Play, of course!

Crazy56U: [Boss] “I mean, yeah, you are dead to me now, but…”



But, I can't allow something like this to happen again.



Crazy56U: [Boss] “I’m coming down to your station right now. I have a shotgun. Running will only make things worse for you.”



I'm switching you to a different department.



JofY: Because the supernatural virus needs the man to be in IT for it to work.

Crazy56U: [Boss] “The broom closet. You can’t manage to not destroy our shit? You

can’t be trusted to use a computer. You’re the janitor now. Fuck you.”



Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I knew this would happen,



JofY: You knew this would happen? You knew that a supernatural ghost would torment a person that said ghost was previously harmed by and that would lead to Twitter having all of it’s data removed? Actually here’s a better idea he could have done. Fire Jojo before all of this. That way Jojo no longer can access the servers, and the ghost can no longer get into Twitter’s servers to destroy it, or however it works.

Crazy56U: [Boss] “My fortune cookie said so. Never thought that fortune would come

true, but…”



so I saved a backup where the computer virus couldn't find it."



SC276: Twitter, smarter than Facebook? I’m not sure whether that’s stupid or

completely accurate.



I answered hesitantly "Sir, you know he'll go to no end to find those files."



"No, I know exactly the place where I hid it is very virus proof."



SC276: [boss] “Behind the firewall you coded to keep it out that you didn’t market for some reason.”

Scarlet: [Boss] “I made sure it was a sterile environment.”

Crazy56U: [Boss] “Unlike you, I decided to actually take some precaution against viruses.”



"Thank you for not letting me go sir."



"It's fine… I understand your friend, Jarom, who works on Facebook had the same problem."



JofY: [Jojo] “...How did you learn all of this?”

[Boss] “I’ve been stalking you.”

SC276: If Twitter’s important enough to reach the point they had the resources to back up the site’s entire database as well as different departments, they probably wouldn’t have heard of the start-up that Facebook was in this universe. Actually, come to think of it, having Facebook as it was in 2012 would’ve made more sense. Having it be a start-up actually just tears more holes in the narrative.

Crazy56U: The Author just did the equivalent of snapping, lighting everything around

him on fire, and then laughing manically as everything burns down around him.



"Yes sir. It was bad. He's still out of a job sir. It's been a year since he had a job. Luckily my friend Scotty Clawen



JofY: Huh. That doesn’t sound familiar at all.

Crazy56U: FUCK YOU.

SC276: For crying out loud, you put the original guy’s name in copyright insertions! Why did you think this was a good idea?!

ToonGuy: We’re damned. ALL OF US.



was letting him stay with him as a roomate for really less.



JofY: For really less? Wow, that’s a good deal. My rent is for really more.

Crazy56U: (massages temples) I really hate you, Author... I really do...



Thanks for caring."



Scarlet: You know, usually someone says that last sentence sarcastically.

Crazy56U: The Author doesn’t believe in sarcasm.



"Hey, I do anything for my employees."



JofY: *audible wink*

Crazy56U: Which is why he’s going to put off killing Joseph for at least five more

minutes.



"Thanks… I appreciate your understanding."



"No problem, see you later."



SC276: [Boss] *plans to deliver pink slip in person*

Crazy56U: [Boss] “(quietly begins loading shotgun)”



"Bye!"



In the end, I told my friends about it. They were very surprised.



JofY: That you were a dumbass who didn’t put up the firewall? Because they already know about the evil spirit.

Crazy56U: Eh, “surprised”, “violently angry over your blatant stupidity”, same dif...



They were very happy with the fact I still had my job and with the fact that the evil spirit didn't ruin my life.



Scarlet: Sounds like the last time I hung with friends.

Crazy56U: I buy that.



I thank whoever helped me keep my job. I didn't believe in God, but if he is out there, then he probably helped me keep my job.



SC276: Well it wasn’t us. We’re not nearly so merciful.

Crazy56U: God is dead, this story killed him.



I thank God for my safety, and if he could help me help my friends, then we can for sure save the soul of our angered friend.



SC276: Yeah, right.

RingmasterJ5: Okay, this third part needs some explaining. I only read the first two before deciding we had to riff this, and THEN found out just what kind of hell this third part is once Fallen found it afterwards. It basically devolves into a crackfic, but at the same time the author still has this huge grudge against social media that permeates all aspects of the story and it’s just fucking insane. So, finally, here’s “DiscordExe 3: The Reformer Games- Mockingyou”. And hey, this one actually has paragraph breaks.

Crazy56U” Oh, hey, you brought things full circle! Going off of the title, apparently this is a Hunger Games story!

ToonGuy: It’s like it was meant to be!



Part 3: The Reformer games- Mockingyou



JofY: Well, at least the author finally admits he’s mocking us.

Crazy56U: Well, if that’s the intention of the title, then (loudly hisses)



Preface:



After the "Incident" with Joseph, Scotty Clathen (Claw-thin is how you pronounce his last name)



Crazy56U: Oh, get it?! He had to explain the joke!!! AND THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW IT

WAS SPELLED THE LAST TIME!!!

JofY: Hell, both times, the pronunciation doesn’t make sense.



had come up with an idea to create a special spectacular software that could combat " ". It was named the "Pinkie Pie Program".



SC276: A Faith for this Revelation. I thought that firewall was that, though?

Scarlet: I wanted to call it Applied Phlebotinum. But noooo.

Crazy56U: Okay, this may just be me, but I think the Author is ripping off “Code: Lyoko”...



It has algorithms and formulas on a complex and intricate level enough to match the haunting power of " ".



JofY: IT COULD DIVIDE BY NOTHING!

CaptainPipsqueak: And thus, the universe ended.

Crazy56U: It was also Linux-based!



She was in the form of Pinkie Pie, but as an advanced AI (Artificial Intelligence).



SC276: Yeah, just pull an AI out of nowhere and base it on Pinkie, a.k.a. the mare known for being wild, unpredictable, and a serial murderer in one of the first and most infamous dark MLP fanfics ever written. This can’t possibly go wrong.

JofY: Also, didn’t they unfriend the spirit for being a brony? Sorry, “brony”? But, anyways, why would they then backtrack and design an AI off one of the characters from the show?

Crazy56U: Pretty sure Scotty was better off using Twilight...



This"AI" could destroy " " with Scotty's help. He would guide her through the levels this psychotic computer program put her through with his guiding commands.



SC276: So, you made a NetNavi?

Scarlet: That one Megaman anime resurfaces in strange places.

Crazy56U: He would do it using an Atari 2600 controller.



Scotty had made three other programs as backup incase things got bad. They were for each of his three friends, Jarom, Joseph, and Nikolai Instokil.



SC276: I feel sorry for the family that had to have that last name.

JofY: One of these things is not like the other. One of these, just doesn’t belong.

Crazy56U: What, you didn’t feel like naming the third friend another J name, like Jerry

Jackson, or some shit?



All of these other "programs" were capable of beridding the world of the evil software.



SC276: So they’re all NetNavis. You made NetNavis.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, Scotty and pals made a multi-agent program designed to rid the world of an evil computer virus. Holy fuck, you are ripping off “Code: Lyoko”!



Their plan was- well here's the story.



SC276: BattleChip in, and download!

Scarlet: If we use a Program Advance, can we skip the rest of this?

Crazy56U: Uh, can we just get the plan instead? I don’t want the story...



Chapter 3: Scotty Clathen



September 2014



Crazy56U: No comment.



Hello readers, old and young!



JofY: Screw you, if you’re middle-aged though.

Crazy56U: (slowly flips the story the bird)



Wait, I'm writing in a journal, no one reads that.



JofY: People only read diaries.

Crazy56U: (throws up a second bird for good measure)



Well I guess you guys are reading this, so it is somewhat for my readers.



SC276: I am getting really tired of the fourth wall breaches.

Scarlet: That’s three times I’ve had to directly fight off metatextual attempts on our lives!

Crazy56U: (lasers engaged)



Anyway moving on, I have devised the exact plan to defeat the atrocious being that haunts us.



JofY: ‘This atrocious being, which we in no way are at fault for…’

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “I have located where the Author lives. I have amassed a large

mob. The Lord’s work will soon be done.”

ToonGuy: “And the Lord spaketh, may you taketh this pretentious prat out and beat him unto death. Aaaaamen.”



You already know, my "Pinkie Pie Program". It's capable of destroying that monster.



SC276: We already knew that, move on already!

ToonGuy: I feel like we’re walking around in circles repeatedly. And it’s getting REALLY DAMN OLD!

JofY: Hell, technically if we’re starting from this journal, no we don’t. He might have wrote about it before or something, but the earlier dialogue implies that this is the first entry!

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “You know, just in case you decided to skip the preface out of

spite?”



I also made my friends ones just in case.



JofY: He didn’t bother with the zeros, unfortunately.

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “I also made my dog one, just in case things really go to shit.”



I am working at "Tumblr", and I check to make sure no material being posted was bad, virus software, or just inappropriate.



JofY: It’s called: po- Oh, wait I already did this joke.

SC276: I can assure you, in 2014 or whenever the fuck this is, this job did not exist.

Crazy56U: And I can assure you that this job still doesn’t exist.



One came up I was looking at, in the image feed, was of that dread draconequus " ".



SC276: You’d think the virus would change it up at some point, but NOPE.

Crazy56U: The Dread Draconequus Discord. ...eh, no, I prefer the Dread Pirate Roberts, quite frankly.



I immediately ran "Pinkie Pie Program".



Scarlet: Superhero mode, engage!

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “Annnnnd... the computer blue screened. ...shit...”



Pulling the mike up to me I said, in my best stentorian (or best loud and severe voice) of my boring old American accent I could do "Pinkie Pie Program boot up."



JofY: Queue magical girl transformation sequence.

Scarlet: If. Only.

SC276: Who the fuck runs a program with a voice command?! Do you not have a mouse?!

JofY: Maybe it’s supposed to work like a Power Rangers Morpher.

ToonGuy: Ah yes, the forgotten team, Power Rangers Myspace Force….I know I just dated myself, but screw it, THIS FIC’S GOING TO BE DATED IN THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS.

Crazy56U: [Siri] “(da dink) I didn’t find anything for ‘punky pie projective booter’.”



After a few minutes, a webcam of a pink screen with Pinkie on it appeared



JofY: That isn’t how… fuck it.

SC276: It’s a fucking NetNavi, only on desktop, I hate everything.

Crazy56U: Okay, ripping off season one of “Code: Lyoko” now, that’s... happening...



"What is going- oh it's that cursed ' '!



JofY: Hey! This is Tumblr! Where all identities are allowed even if they’re ‘ ‘ , “ “ , or even ( )! Textist!

Crazy56U: That cursed blank space. Didn’t know Pinkie hated Taylor Swift.



I've got this!"



"Load up the image, Pinkie"



SC276: ...What image?

Crazy56U: Discord’s image, duh.



"Okie-doki-loki!" She pulled the image up and " " was on a blood red background pointing down to a link that was to a game.



JofY: Having to manually type in a link? You know that’s evil.

Scarlet: OH SNAP.

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “What the... ...that’s the URL for Cookie Clicker! The fuck?!”



He said in the speech bubble "Play and let's see if your 'Pinkie Pie Program' can stop the Master of all Demonic Chaos!"



JofY: Hey, why does this sprit call himself the master of all chaos? Did he somehow earn it? Did he fill out the right paperwork?

ToonGuy: It’s a very complicated system. It’s all explained in the manual.

SC276: Is it like the afterlife bureaucracy that was in Beetlejuice?

Crazy56U: The Master of all Demonic Chaos Formally Known as Discord



"Should we go it, Scott sir?" Pinkie asked.



Crazy56U: “Should we go it”. Uh, Scotty, maybe you should bug tested your AI before

hand...



"We have no choice. We automatically forfeit if we say no."



Scarlet: I see this evil plays by Yu-Gi-Oh rules.

Crazy56U: (scoff) Nerd.



"Yes sir! Got it! I'll load it up right away!"



The program link opened to a game that looked similar to "Slenderman:The Eight Pages"



JofY: What? No copyright?

ToonGuy: Of course not! It belongs to that goddamn 4Chan! They have no rights.

SC276: First Sonic.EXE and Godzilla, then FNaF, and now Slender. And none with anything resembling fair gameplay. This evil spirit virus is the least creative evil spirit ever.

Crazy56U: (twitches in anger)



except the title was "Slendercord: The Eight Cupcakes"



Crazy56U: I want to punch something so bad right now...



and the picture on the title screen was Slendercord holding a cupcake.



JofY: Also, who wants to bet that the character will realize they’re playing a game based off a different game, where even if you won, you lost?

SC276: Freakin’ hell, we already know the whole thing’s rigged.

Crazy56U: Discord’s kinda one note, if you ask me...



There was only two buttons on the screen "Begin" and "Quit and Be a Loser".



JofY: Technically if you never play, you can never lose.

Crazy56U: The only winning move is to not play. ...dear God, if this turns into

WarGames...



Of course, I would choose the first option, "Begin", because I'm not one to quit easily.



SC276: Also, because no one knows the most famous line of WarGames.

Crazy56U: Also, the alternative would be admitting that he’s a loser, and Scotty vowed to never do that again.



So pressing that button, it took me to a third person point of view with Pinkie's model there.



JofY: It wasn’t given any textures or animation, it was just the model.

Scarlet: Pinkie’s scale model of Canterlot is super-detailed, to be fair.

Crazy56U: The future is now.



We were in the middle of the "Everfree Forest". Pinkie was playing, of course, in the first person point of view. I was looking in a third person point of view exactly like when you die in Black Ops 2 Zombies and your friend tries to survive the round.



JofY: Okay, I don’t play Call of Duty. Now, try explaining it to me.

SC276: Depends on whether or not these NetNavis are running on game or anime rules, but if it’s the former, this is basically Slender in third person.

Crazy56U: I’m sorry Author, I’m unfamiliar with the Call of Duty series. I actually play

good games, like “Splatoon”.



Pinkie's screen,



JofY: Does the character have two screens plugged in or something?

SC276: Are you telling me Pinkie’s video feed is showing her perspective, while you’ve got your own viewport? That’s just wasteful.

Crazy56U: And confusing as fuck.



which I could switch to from the perspective I was at right now,



SC276: Oh, so you can toggle between the two. That would’ve been nice to know before now.

Crazy56U: Still confusing as fuck.



had Pinkie Pie's hooves and a wand with the "Laughter" crystal on the end of Pinkie's Element of Harmony on it lighting the way.



Scarlet: We were kidding about the magical girl sequence! Although I’ll take what I can get at this point.

SC276: So, why couldn’t she have just been wearing her Element again?

Crazy56U: Because Scotty is a shitty programmer.



She was searching for the "Eight Cupcakes" you were supposed to collect while running from "Slendercord".



"Are you ready, my little Pinkie?"



Scarlet: When Princess Celestia does that, it’s affectionate because she’s like a millennia old or more. When you do it, you’re a condescending idiot.

ToonGuy: Or a creeper…...or a fusion of both.

Crazy56U: Or a sad human being.



"I totally am! I am so nervi-cited!" Pinkie Pie began "I want to play all sorts of games with this new 'Discord'."



SC276: Did anyone tell her he put at least dozens of people out of a job before now?

Crazy56U: Please, that’s not canon anymore!



"No, this is serious. We have to take this evil monster out. He loves destroying ponies and not caring about their lives."



JofY: Like look at all of the innocent ponies that he killed like: ...

Crazy56U: OH GOD, THAT’S TERRIFYING



"Then we must stop him."



Pinkie walked through the forest, searching for the cupcakes. With every new cupcake she found, Slendercord would get more difficult to run away from, as he was faster than the previous time before she picked up the cupcake.



Scarlet: I mean, not like your program literally designed to destroy this thing would, y’know. Fight him or something.

Crazy56U: Pinkie’s just toying with him, clearly.



I urged her to go faster, and she said she needed time. We were halfway when Slendercord teleported in front of them, going in for the insta-kill when the real Slender appeared and stopped him dead in his tracks.



JofY: *gets sent flying out of the room from sheer confusion*

ToonGuy: Look at him GO!

SC276: ...OK, we’ve had some form of Slenderman or another for like… three fics in a row now, discounting Catch.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...and honestly, that one did not need the help...

Crazy56U: ... (quietly puts head in hands) (begins openly sobbing)



Now I knew that was one of the programs I had created, because it did an amazing job of making Slendercord go away.



JofY: *walking back in* Yeah, because it’s not cheating when a program does it.

ToonGuy: Of course! IT ALL. MAKES. SENSE.

Crazy56U: (while still sobbing) No it doesn’t, shut up...



A thick Russian accent replied "Sorry it took me so long, I had to pick up a bottle of chocolate vodka- I mean chocolate milk- on my way to my office."



Scarlet: In Soviet Russia, Games code you.

SC276: Wait, this guy also made NetNavis based on Slenderman and Heavy? And didn’t say that at the beginning of the story because why now?

CaptainPipsqueak: A cross between Slender and Heavy? Wouldn’t that just make them ‘Dense’?

JofY: Why the need to change vodka to milk? Is that guy’s boss listening in?

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, Heavy wants to get crunk during this and, quite frankly, I don’t

blame him.



Slenderman, in a creepy and dark voice responded



JofY: So, Slenderman isn’t the Russian?... I never thought I would say that.

Crazy56U: No, Slenderman is being controlled by the Russian, obviously. ... (pinches

bridge of nose)



"You idiot!



JofY: Even the story will admit the characters are dumbasses.

ToonGuy: Sorry, isn’t Slenderman’s scariness based on how he...doesn’t talk?

Scarlet: It’s complicated, but really the answer is that Slenderman is scary only if you ignore ninety percent of what’s been written about him.

Crazy56U: Thank you.



You could pick up your chocolate milk later! We need to stop this 'virus' before it destroys everything in exiseance!"



JofY: Yeah! The internet is everything!

ToonGuy: This is going on top of my ‘Things I didn’t think Slenderman would say’ list

SC276: What is with everything in quotes?

Crazy56U: (chokes back another sob) I feel regret...



"Sorry I will not try and get my chocolate milk again…"



The Russian replied.



"It's ok Nikolai, now that you are here, our chances are doubled in finding the last four cupcakes.



JofY: Screw the other guys, the drunk russian is clearly what they need to win.

Crazy56U: Being drunk fixes everything...



It's gonna get harder from here on out." I comforted my Russian friend.



Scarlet: Oh god, no. The Slenderman program is controlled by a Russian programmer who made a vodka joke what?

SC276: OK wait, I think I got it. Slenderman is the NetNavi of the guy with the stupid fake Russian last name. That would’ve been nice to know before now!

ToonGuy: Oh shit I didn’t bring enough VODKA! WE’RE DOOMED.

Crazy56U: So... abandon all hope all, ye who enter here, then?



"Ok, we can do this, although we have one more 'friend' that will join the party!" Nikolai confirmed.



"Hey guys, sorry I'm late!" Joseph called out, in his Spanish accent.



JofY: Why is he now spanish?

Crazy56U: Well, maybe Joseph got jumpscared so much it caused him to change

nationalities... Why not, it makes as much sense as everything else...



A pony with no face and a suit with a slender-page-like cutie mark appeared.



SC276: are you fucking serious

Crazy56U: (eyes twitches) why

CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, one of the greatest benefits of having no idea about the source material is that I can look at stuff like this and just go “Huh; would you look at that.”



"Let's get that fake Slender!" The pony shouted.



Scarlet: Yeah, there’s nothing artificial about YOU guys!

JofY: [Slenderpony] “I mean, ripping off Slenderman, how could you!?”

[Slenderman] *somehow flips off Slenderpony*

Crazy56U: Coming from a fake Slender.



"Yeah, no one makes fun of the world's most renowned horror expert!" Slenderman cried.



JofY: The internet?

Crazy56U: Oh, cry me a river, why don’t ya, you slender piece-of-shit...



"Well then, are we ready guys!? Time to adventure into the deep unknown!" I cheered.



Scarlet: The Alph Ruins?

SC276: You just knocked the guy away. He can’t be that hard to track down. Also, how come there isn’t a pony avatar of Tumblr here like there was for Facebook and Twitter?

Crazy56U: You’re currently in a bootleg Slender ripoff. There is nothing “deep” or “unknown” about it.



A demonic Discord voice came from the sky, exactly like if he had a tower and he was using a speaker system to speak to all of us



JofY: Unfortunately for him, there was something wrong with the system so they had to call in IT, and they said that a certain part needed to be replaced which he didn’t know that they had, and s- *gets dragged off screen*

Crazy56U: (is the one dragging JofY) T-trust- trust me, t-this is for the best...



"You pathetic ponies and Slenderman think can rid the world of the most evil, most strongest, most haunted virus on this entire planet!?



JofY: Now he’s just embellishing.

SC276: Was there a poll so he could claim a title like that?

Crazy56U: He created a StrawPoll concerning it and the only options were “Yes” and “Yeah”.

ToonGuy: Yes, Definitely, Absolutely.



You can't I will destroy all of you and no one will find the data from anything I will destroy!



JofY: “Unless you remember to regularly backup your data, in which case I’ll still be kind of annoying, but still!”

Crazy56U: Then destroy this series of stories.



Ha-ha! All of you will be destroyed! Try and find those stupid cupcakes. It won't matter, I still will win, no matter how many stupid computer programs and people you throw at me!"



"Just you wait, ugly dragon-thing with no face!



JofY: Oh, wow. Think you solved global warming with how bad that burn was.

Scarlet: 2/10, not nearly enough sass.

Crazy56U: Coming from the ugly pony-thing with no face.



We'll wipe you off the face of the whole Earth you scumbag!" Slenderpony exclaimed.



SC276: So wait, the guy with no face insulted a guy by saying he has no face?

ToonGuy: Or maybe it’s like a Face/Off thing where they’re trading faces….The Cage would make things so much better.

RingmasterJ5: Yeah, just have him roll in, use that fucking rock attack and kill me every Lost run I- wait, wrong Cage.

Crazy56U: Takes one to know one.



"And rid the world of this awful imposter of the true Slenderman!" Slenderman yelled.



JofY: Slenderpony?

SC276: The fact that this is a freakin’ NetNavi?

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) (slowly lowers onto the floor) I- I’m gon- I’m gonna just lay down, here, okay? I-I’m still here, I- I ju- I just... ...I just don’t know anymore, man...



"Try, just try and destroy me! You'll see there's far worse to what I can do to all of you!"



JofY: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.



The demonic voice faded.



SC276: Dude, the worst you can do is delete them. Just like you did with two social networks before this.



"Ok, first order of business, everyone scatter and find the last four cupcakes!" I ordered the group.



"Yes sir!" Joseph replied.



"On my way comrade!" Nikolai answered.



Scarlet: Because the game still matters because… somehow.



Slenderpony and Slenderman went their separate ways and Pinkie and I continued the search for the last four cupcakes. Slendercord seemed to be able to clone himself, because he was everywhere at once and could get all of us, as my friends using their mikes, were telling me.



JofY: So they weren’t programs? But… Huh? Could I get a flowchart here?



We were in serious trouble. He could gang up on any of us when we weren't looking. But, Pinkie and I tried our best.



Scarlet: We never gave up! We hung in there! We toughed it out!

SC276: I’d say they’re filled with determination, but...



We found two cupcakes and my friends found one each.



JofY: Wait, I thought he had 3 friends and only 4 cupcakes were remaining. Also, should are the two slenders included? The math is confused. Scratch that, I’m confused!



We came back to the middle of the forest, where the "Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters" ruins were.



SC276: Y’know, this is the most lifeless Everfree I’ve ever seen.



Then Slendercord appeared before us and clapped his hands.



Scarlety: And insert Citizen Kane clip here.



"Bravo, Bravo! Well done! You've passed my first test!



SC276: [Discord] “Somehow, even though I’m a flagrant cheater. Also, I’m not calling an instant loss with having multiple player characters in a single-player game because” *chocolate milk explodes*

JofY: I thought you only had to win one. Or is it the last one that actually matters?



Now onto the next one!"



"Wait! Slendercord, or I mean, , I have a proposition for you!" I called out.



JofY: Okay class, we already had “ “ and ‘ ‘ , but now we have this , , character. Pay attention, there will be a test later.



was about to snap his fingers and change the level to the next test he wanted us to do, when he stopped "Yes? What is it?"



JofY: Why do I have a bad feeling of dread on what’s about to happen?

ToonGuy: Ah, hello feeling of anguish. I’ve missed you.



"Well… I know you want revenge and all, but the man who pressured us into bullying you was Alma Corianton.



JofY: “His issues mainly stem from his parents hating him!”



He was the one who, without us really knowing, wanted us to make fun of you for your status as a 'Brony', Jeremy Michaelson.



JofY: How?

ToonGuy: Well, shit. This is not going to end well.

CaptainPipsqueak: It hadn’t started well, either, so why wreck it?

SC276: I’m sorry, given season 2 had to have been at full swing by the point he died, how the fuck are you so stupid you can be tricked into bullying a friend so hard he suicides over something you don’t understand?!



We are truly sorry for the pain and anguish we caused you to take your life.



JofY: “We’re sorry, uh… What’s your name again?”



We never meant you to do the thing you did, we were stupid kids back then and we never understood how you truly felt.



JofY: You are all still accessories. Also, ‘stupid kids’ for an incident 2… 3 years ago? Seriously?

SC276: And I thought Mykan was a fucking idiot.



If you could forgive us, maybe then we can work together to stop the man behind 4chan.



JofY: Just two years before retirement. Also, just because the platform may be wrong, doesn’t mean that the one who built it had bad intentions, so fuck you.

ToonGuy: I’m beginning to think that this man has slight delusions of grandeur.



The one responsible for kids putting their phones in microwaves to try and charge them, the kid who put the grenade in his toilet because he was faked into thinking it would be a wicked splash, and the man who posted the people hanging themselves. That was all him!



JofY: Accuse! Accuse!

SC276: One, how does a kid get access to grenades? Two, whatever makes you think all of those were one guy?!



We have to stop him, and we need your help!"



JofY: No one else on the internet would want to follow in his footsteps!



I preached to " ".



JofY: ...Why is no one calling him by is actual name?



"Wait, that was him? That sick freak!" Joseph shouted.



" I didn't know idiot children would think a microwave could charge their phones?! Ha-ha that's funny!" Nikolai laughed.



SC276: Says the guy that was talked into bullying a guy into killing himself! It’s stupider than knocking someone out by saying there’s a gas leak and having them hold their breath until they pass out!



"Nikolai!" Everyone shouted at him.



"Sorry…" Nikolai apologized.



"I know, we just need your help, Jeremy."I finished. "We promise we won't destroy you as long as you help us stop Alma from his rampaging internet destruction!" I called out to my best friend.



JofY: You barely remember his name! You bullied him to suicide!

SC276: Also, all Discord’s done in this story is destroy the Internet!



"Ok… I-" Demonic Discord's voice suddenly was wavering back and forth from a young man's Scottish voice to the monster who had troubled his best friends for so long



JofY: ‘In all honesty, it was quite silly.’



"Ok- I will do it- I can't do it! I am the Master of All Demonic Chaos!- But we must!"



So " " was having an internal affair, in which the good was trying to overcome the evil. "No! I MUST CONTINUE MY EVIL REIGN TO DESTROY ALL THE EARTH'S SOCIAL MEDIA SITES!"



JofY: Oh, I’m sorry, but in actuality, 4chan is from Pluto. Sorry bout that.



" " screamed.



All of a sudden, the evil " " was transformed in a blinding green light into a man with ginger hair, a dark green hoodie , lime green Levi jeans, a bright green t-shirt, and a pakistan green fedora, and Cal Poly Green Propel 2.0 Heelys that were forest green with a lawn green circular logo on the side and laces.



JofY: Anonymous delivers.

SC276: Gheeze, St. Patrick, tone it down a bit.

ToonGuy: Lucky Charms and their delivery got weird in the early 2000’s.

Crazy56U:



He fell to the floor, on his knees.



"Woah, woah, what in the hay just happened?" Pinkie asked



JofY: None of us know.



"Did ' ' become, 'good'?" She asked me.



"Yeah. Help him up please." I persauded her.



"Um… I have hooves… I can't." Pinkie mumurred.



Crazy56U: The Pinkie Pie AI is unable to cheer someone up, instead opting to blame

her hooves. How do you fuck up programming an AI that bad?



"I have got it, good sir." Nikolai started "Slenderman, help this poor troubled young man up again please?"



SC276: What happened to this guy’s Russia again?

JofY: “Slenderman, could you please become an upstanding member of society?”



"As you wish, my master."



JofY: Why does a Russian own internet Slenderman?



Slenderman, as tall as he was, bent his knees and reached his hand out to the troubled soul.



JofY: Slenderman doesn’t have hands.

SC276: This guy hasn’t shown factual accuracy for two and a half fics. You really think he’s going to start now?

JofY: I’ve been nitpicking the facts on these for over two and a half months. You really think I’m going to stop now?



The young man took it and got back up on his feet.



"Thanks guys. I was really taken by a truly great evil there.



JofY: [Jeremy] “My Little Pony.”



I appreciate the help!" Jeremy announced.



"Anything for someone who definitely needed it, my good friend." Nikolai said.



SC276: Has the writer forgotten he’s supposed to be doing a creepypasta again?

ToonGuy: This is what happens when Fluttershy writes Creepypastas….actually, take that back, she’d probably write one better.



"Even if we didn't seem like we would all those years ago, that doesn't matter now, all that matters is we'll help you now." Joseph, with guilt in his heart for his sin against his friend, explained.



SC276: Because the writer has no idea how a freakin’ story works.



"It's alright. I understand how bad you must of felt for what you did to me. I forgive all of you for the crimes that were so unintentionally done unto me.



JofY: One, what crimes? No seriously, I thought it was just that they unfriended him and that isn’t a crime... Did they actively attack him!? Because that requires intentional effort!



I just hope I can move on and forgive myself of the crime against myself." He sobbed.



JofY: 5 minutes before, he was the most EVIL! POSSIBLE! THING!



"Hey! Hey! Don't get down! Pinkie will always turn that frown upside down!" She came over and hugged Jeremy.



"Thanks…" He sniffed. "I always knew you'd be there to lift me up when I was down." He stood firm and spoke with much boldness "Now I'm ready to destroy 4chan and it's evil ruler, Alma Corianton, the Master of all Evil Chaos!"



JofY: ...I don’t think 4chan works like that.

SC276: What is with this author and overly dramatic evil titles?



"You darn right we are!" Slenderpony exclaimed.



"As right as a right turn!" Pinkie shouted.



JofY: Damn it Pinkie! We were supposed to take a left! Now it’ll take forever to get back on the freeway.

SC276: What were we supposed to do at Albuquerque again?



"No evil is as evil as the Master of Evil himself: Slenderman! He won't beat me at being evil!" Slenderman yelled.



JofY: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.



"Well, if we are all ready! Let's do this!" I proclaimed.



SC276: LEEROOOOOY-



"Wait!"



SC276: toolateJENKIIIIIIIINS!!



A yellow pony with a beautiful pink mane appeared "Fluttershy's here now!"



JofY: Because why not.

SC276: Exactly what every creepypasta needs: more Fluttershy.



"Jarom! Hey, she looks great! Nice job on the 'Fluttershy Software'!" Joseph pointed out.



JofY: I’ve forgotten if I’ve pointed this out already but since this does need to be stated, these people bullied a friend to suicide because he watched MLP!

SC276: On top of the fact that guy crashed Facebook, how the fuck would he know how to make a NetNavi?



"Thanks…" The Afghani, Jarom, replied.



JofY: ‘Course if he wasn’t so Afghanistan he would have said it better.’

SC276: What do these nationalities have to do with anything? If they were important, they would’ve come up when the guy was introduced in the first story.



"Now let us berid the world of this evil!" Jeremy shouted.



JofY: A story about a “ragtag” group of people trying to destroy all evil by attacking one singular group… If this starts talking about the morality of atoms, I’m leaving.

SC276: Also, attacking 4chan is exactly what Chris-chan did, so…

ToonGuy: We’re still sweeping up the ashes from that…..got some over my nice shoes.



"Yes… but we need you to use your supernatural powers to create a game where we are hacking into their software." I added.



JofY: Why? Is it the firewall that forces it to be like that? Can’t be because it was made in retaliation. Hell, that would actually have been a good reason to explain the whole game aspect. After all, it’d be something.

SC276: Pretty sure I had the idea of video games being one of only two places where cyberspace could reasonably exist first. I oughta sue.



"Alright. If it's for my friends, then I can do it!" Jeremy confidently addressed the group.



"Okie-doki-loki-poki-artichoki!" Pinkie declared.



SC276: Oh my god, Pinkie, shut up.



"That was over-the-top my pink pony pal." Nikolai noticed.



JofY: In a way that was not awkwardly phrased at all.



"Sorry."



CaptainPipsqueak: No you’re not, you lying equine bitch.



"No problem my pink pony pal." Nikolai made a very spectacular return.



JofY: Return? Return from where?

SC276: The same long nickname twice in a row? That doesn’t get tiresome fast.

CaptainPipsqueak: And certainly not once.



"Can we go already!? I have an appointment with Slenderwoman on Facebook in an hour."



JofY: Oh… Oh my… You just murdered continuity! You butchered it! You bastard!

SC276: The entire first story was about Facebook being destroyed, are you fucking kidding me!

CaptainPipsqueak: No, that was FACEbook, This is FaceBOOK.

ToonGuy: Slenderwoman? *imagines, shudders* Oh, uh, boooo, continuity’s dead.



Slenderman urged.



"Oooh! Is she cute!? Can I meet her!?" Pinkie hollered.



"No no no and most defintely no! This is my alone time with her… but…"Slenderman hesitated "She is very pretty, yes…." Slenderman blushed.



JofY: She has just the most beautiful face with no identifiable features.

SC276: Why won’t the Skip button work?!



"It's ok… I have a friend back home who I think the same way about. He looks like me, but his name is Bubbleberry.



JofY: “He’s a color swap of me!”



He's soooo adorable!" Pinkie also blushes.



"Can we just get on with this and destroy Alma and 4chan before I get love sick!" Jeremy bellowed.



SC276: For once, some sense in these stories!

ToonGuy: Don’t get comfortable with it.



"Yes sir…"Slenderman and Pinkie uttered.



"Now, Jeremy, can you do the honors?" I directed.



CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Honors’, ‘horrors, ‘potayto’, ‘potahto’...



"Yes I can!" Jeremy pointed his palm out in front of him and a green portal opened up. He gestured them to go through it "Ladies and Slenders first. I'll go last."



"Yes siree we'll hurry with Cheerilee!"



JofY: [Cheerilee] “Help! I’m being dragged into this story!”

SC276: For the love of Mew, Pinkie, shut up already!



Pinkie Pie ran through the portal. Everyone else followed her.



The place they came to was… demonic to say the least. There were floating images of evil and sick twisted events listing here would make you get nightmares over and over again.



JofY: Oh, that’s just /b/.



Let's just say the evil here would make Satan look like a small pathetic mouse compared to this giant house cat of pure malicious and cruel intent.



JofY: CAAAAAAT!

SC276: SQUIRREL!



Alma Corianton had changed happy and good 4chan (let's be honest they are evil or just anti-hero, but now they are demonic), to a corrupt and vile state.



JofY: They didn’t change anything… but EVIL!!!

SC276: So they made something that was evil… more evil?



Everyone was about to puke, even if some of them were computer programs.



JofY: Their only salvation was pressing Ctrl+P+U

SC276: How about Ctrl+F+U? Also, I love how the author had no problem describing a giant-ass field of pony corpses, yet keeps everything vague when describing what is basically this guy’s idea of Hell.

CaptainPipsqueak: Maybe we should handle the descriptions, then? This is certainly our version of it.



Then a man with black ruffled hair and a goatee, horns, dark red skin, fangs, claws on his hands and feet, and wearing a red robe all the way down to his feet appeared there in front of us.



JofY: Hey, Bob.



He was holding a staff made of the bones of human remains. The top of the staff was a demon skull with horns, long sharp nose, and sharp teeth. He cackled with a very dark and scary voice that shook the whole room, even if it was the game.



SC276: Well this guy doesn’t trip every “evil” flag to ever exist.



"You can't beat me! I am the devil!" Alma shouted.



JofY: “Oh! Hey, didn’t see you there. This? Just rehearsing for my next play.”

ToonGuy: It’s getting rave reviews, especially from the riff community!

SC276: Called “Put That Fic Back Where It Came From, or So Help Me.” Also, the devil has hoofed legs. Also also, “You cannot infect me. I have firewall.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Literally.



"NO! You can't do this!



JofY: Yes he can. True you are trying to stop him, but without that, he would have the ability to do whatever he just wanted to do.



I know what it's like to be evil, it doesn't benefit anyone at all!



JofY: I would like to take the opportunity to point out that 4chan has done things like catch animal abusers, and given us Chocolate Rain, Rickrolling, and Cat memes.

SC276: Also, Ruby Quest, Nan Quest, and Magia Revolution. I… think that’s 4chan, at least.

ToonGuy: Yeah. What have you done, hero? Don’t see you laying down any laws of the internet.



You need to stop!" Jeremy roared.



"STOP!? STOP!? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!



JofY: SOMEONE WHO HAS CAPS LOCK ON AND DOESN’T REALIZE IT YET.



I AM THE DEVIL!" The devilish human vociferated.



JofY: I would like to remind you, this man used to be the other’s friend.

SC276: I can’t believe the author actually used “vociferated” correctly.



"Ha-ha-ha! Laughing is hurting my side!" Slenderman began "This guy thinks he's evil! I eat children for breakfast!



JofY: ...Yeah. They’re a nutritious source of vitamins. I don’t see the problem here.

SC276: Oh that Slenderman! *laugh track*

ToonGuy: “We’ve secretly replaced their regular Slenderman with Folger’s Crystals, let’s see if they notice.”



This guy just corrupted a website, you can't get evil by doing that! This is just a computer program!"



JofY: Dude, right now, he could say: “I know you are but what am I?” and be right.

SC276: Then the previous Discord just took out a handful of websites, which doesn’t make him evil either. Just an absolute jerk that couldn’t make a fair game to save his life.



"ARRGGGH!"



JofY: [Daveil] “My leg!”

ToonGuy: “MY CABBAGES!!!”



The devil sent a spell from his staff at Slednerman, a giant fireball, towards the faceless man



JofY: After aiming, he fired an aimed shot.

SC276: Just in case you didn’t catch it the first time.



and he was thrown back against his friends, being the bowling ball against the pins.



JofY: Strike!

SC276: Watch, the rest of the game’s gonna be gutter balls.



"OUCH! Man, warn me next time!" Slenderpony stood up with much difficulty, still hurt from Slenderman's force of impact.



SC276: [Slenderman] “Bosses telegraph their attacks! Haven’t you ever played a video game before?!”



Slenderman got up and sent his tentacles at the beast, grabbed him, and threw him in the opposite direction of his friends "NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE, MESSES WITH THE KING OF HORROR!"



JofY: Alfred Hitchcock?



After the demon hit the ground, he got up like that was a a small bruise, and then proceed to grab Slenderman and crush his bones, even though he was a computer program, the game gave him a physical game body and then tossed him like chopped liver



SC276: This is why no one likes ragdoll physics.



"NO ONE HURTS THE DEMON KING SATAN!"



"No…. no! You can't hurt my daddy! YOU'LL PAY!" Slenderpony then grew spiky red hair and demon red eyes on her face.



JofY: Awww… That’s adorable. I just wanna pinch his check.

ToonGuy: HE HAS BECOME, A SUPER SLENDERMAN GOD!!!!



A bright red aura exploded around her and she yelled "RAAAAAAGH!" The aura blew up even more in a red hot fury.



JofY: Yay! She blew up!



"NO ONE TOUCHES MY DADDY!"

SC276: Gheeze, no one can do anything around here. Also, Super Saiyan Slenderpony.



"Ooh…" Fluttershy whispered "She's even more scarier than me when I'm mad."



"It's ok." Jarom consoled her.



"Thanks." Fluttershy replied.



JofY: Yes, tell us more of how a red pony is scary. Heaven forbid you show us.



"YOU WILL DIE DEMON FREAK!" Super Slenderpony then shot a giant red chaos blast at the demon and he took it. He was still standing there, but was majorly burnt. He thought he could take it.



SC276: I thought I could take this. Clearly, I was wrong.

ToonGuy: We all were…when will we learn!?



"HA-HA-HA-HA! That was weak! That tickled! My turn!" He threw his staff down and shot a demonic black blast at Super Slenderpony and she countered with a chaotic red blast of her own. She struggled to keep the black blast away from her.



JofY: He shot a blast. She shot a blast. He shot a blast. She shot a blast...

SC276: Everyone’s heads were darting back and forth trying to follow the ball.



It was a super serious power struggle, one fighting for strength to throw their blast against the opponent's.



JofY: Like a game of tennis!



The blasts went back and forth until Demonic Alma shot a blast that pushed Super Slenderpony's back to almost getting killed level when Jeremy shot a lime green blast of his own to help Super Slenderpony's blast. He was now like a Super Sayian, but his hair was light green and spikey with a forest green aura around him.



JofY: When one isn’t B.S. enough, have two.

SC276: I WAS JOKING

CaptainPipsqueak: ...buh.

ToonGuy: Easy there fellas. We’re on the tail-end.



"I have got your back Super Slenderpony!" Jeremy shouted.



JofY: Jeremy then proceeded to tear out Slenderpony’s spine and ran away.



"Alright!"



"Dont forget us!" Pinkie cried. Pinkie and Fluttershy ran up next to Jeremy and Super Slenderpony.



They both powered up into their Rainbow Power forms.



JofY: Okay, without checking, who wants to bet that the author got down the colors remotely to their actual design?

SC276: For a moment, I thought Slenderman went Rainbow Power, because that honestly wouldn’t surprise me at this point.



Pinkie had a yellow, orange, and blue rainbow going across her mane with balloons of dark pink, purple, and light blue on her hooves, stars all over her mane, and a bow in her mane with a light yellow star in the middle. There were dark pink circles under her eyes and her cutie mark area a darker pink,. She had a light pink aura bursting around her. Fluttershy had grown a slightly longer mane with light blue and purple streaks in it. Her, now light purple wings, had light blue outlining with dark purple hearts on the edges of them. Her cutie mark had a couple extra butterflies on it and there were now all kinds of colors of butterflies on her hooves. A light blue aura burst around her. Pinkie shot a pink blast and Fluttershy shot a light blue blast that knocked the Demonic Alma's back.



SC276: Forget accuracy, that’s way too much freakin’ detail in a written medium for a simple appearance chance.



He struggled, he tried and tried to push their blasts back, but to no avail. The blasts knocked his back a significant distance. "NO NO NO NO!" Demonic Alma shouted. Our heroic blasts overcame the evil blast and completely destroyed the Demon.



JofY: That was easy.

ToonGuy: I think that I’m going to lie down after this.

Crazy56U: Damn it, we should’ve gotten a Staples button, it would’ve fixed this

mess...



Everyone turned back into their original selves after the demon was destroyed.



JofY: [Daveil] “Ah ha! Second wind, bitches!”

SC276: So, wait, did they destroy 4chan? I’ve lost track.



Everything was changed back to normal. The area around them became tan with the 4chan clover logos floating around and positive messages floating around instead of evil ones.



JofY: Like: ‘FUCK YOU!’ or ‘You a faggot’... It’s 4chan. What do expect the messages to say?



The Demon now was turned into a man with a red t-shirt, black jeans, black spiky crew-cut hair, and dark brown skin.



JofY: What? No face?

SC276: If this guy hates social media sites, why does 4chan get a pass and the guy in charge of it was just possessed by generic evil?

ToonGuy: Because you expected continuity?



He opened his eyes.



JofY: Once he saw what he was wearing, he never opened them again.



They were a slight maroon color, but not bright red anymore. He cowered in fear because he thought his friends would never forgive him.



"Friends, I'm…. I'm sorry for the way I have treated you- especially Jeremy.



JofY: I’ll give the author this, the turnaround is as fast as in MLP.



I was awful- the way I treated you hurt you and drove you to take your life. I didn't mean it to go that far.



JofY: How far did you plan? You do not become the devil overnight.

SC276: I do not think you thought your cunning plan all the way through.



All of you, I need your forgiveness.



SC276: Guess who’s gonna starve to death then.



I just hope you can forgive me, and I can truly forgive myself for sending my best friend to a fate worse than death, becoming an evil computer program bent on destroying everyone."



JofY: [Alma] “Saying it out loud, it’s kind of stupid.”



Then Alma cried and tried to wipe the tears off his face.



JofY: Inside a computer program.

SC276: /me starts sobbing.

Crazy56U: No, no, like this: ;________;



"Hey it's ok! We all forgive you Alma!" Jeremy shouted.



JofY: [Jeremy] “You only made all of my friends treat me like dirt because of something I liked leading to me ending my life with hatred. No biggy.”

SC276: Also, hundreds of people out of a job. Does your imaginary world where Facebook is a start-up have a better economy?



"I know my friends forgave me for the awful things I did.



JofY: He only ruined the lives of hundreds if not thousands, of people, and that’s assuming that Facebook was a startup.

ToonGuy: My head hurts. Not sure if that’s because I’ve hit it against so many blunt surfaces or because it’s just so bad



Everyone, give this man a great big hug!" Everyone came in for a group hug. They hugged their new friend tight.



"Ok-ok thanks guys. Please let go." Alma sniffed.



SC276: Choke him to death!



"Give the new guy some room." Pinkie backed up and everyone did as well.



"What now? No more evil demonic computer programs to take out! What now?"



JofY: Fuck?

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s your answer for everything. Broaden your horizons, man.

SC276: How about marketing NetNavis and that firewall from the last fic and getting rich?



Slenderpony was eager to take out the next evil-doer who managed to mess with them.



SC276: I thought he was in this to get rid of competition for evil.



"How about all of us get together in-wait- you aren't alive anymore Jeremy…



JofY: And like that, Jeremy poofed out of existence.



How about we set up a server where all of us can get together once a week and Jeremy can meet us. I bet God can work something out like that, he wouldn't mind." I suggested.



"Sure! See ya later guys! I gotta go apologize to God!



JofY: “God, about that position you gave me…”

SC276: God is involved, and yet he didn’t stop a ghost from destroying Facebook?



Hopefully he can truly forgive me for the terrible things I have done." Jeremy said as he faded from existance.



SC276: Too bad the story couldn’t go with it.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, The Killers.



"BYE!" Everyone shouted.



CaptainPipsqueak: Actually, it was “DIE!” They were trying to speed the process.



Alma agreed "Meeting once a week would be ok."



JofY: We hope you’ve enjoyed, No Moral Theater.



Epilogue:



I couldn't say we all lived happily ever after because



Crazy56U: You all took part in this?



Jarom was trying to find a new job and Joseph was trying to get his old job back, but we were content now that " " and that evil demon were wiped off the face of the planet.



JofY: Unfortunately it burrowed deep into the body of the planet and it’s been weeks since last seen.

SC276: Hasn’t it been like at least two years? Is it really so difficult to recover from crashing a start-up no one gave a shit about? Like, are the grocery stores not hiring?



Jeremy did get a chance to visit us every week, on the assumption that he would do good things instead of bad things.



JofY: Wow. Science fiction authors are rolling in their graves after that statement.

Crazy56U: Even the ones who are still alive, it was that bad.



Alma was working on making 4chan the most happiest place that can be, with no malicious or evil posts being made and those who did would get banned.



Fallen Prime: I’ll take “Unrealistic Fever Dreams” for $1000, Alex.

ToonGuy: And I’ll try “Incredibly Stupid Optimism” for $2000.

JofY: I’ll go for “How the Hell Did He Get to Be in Charge in the First Place”... for $3000.

CaptainPipsqueak: And I’ll take “Oh ho ho, you have got to be shitting me!” for the win.

Crazy56U: (puts head in hands, begins screaming)

SC276: It’s a Daily Double!



I continued my job at Tumblr, and I even got promoted to a Manager position.



Fallen Prime: Yahoo’s made sure that position’s worth jack shit.

Crazy56U: Hey now, we’re not exactly sure if Yahoo bought Tumblr in this timeline...



I thank Jeremy for not ridding the world of Social Media sites, because we couldn't meet each week and everyone would be sad they couldn't talk to friends far apart. I'm just glad everything turned out ok and no one else was hurt by the evil monster my friends and I had created.



JofY: So, how’s all the thousands that became jobless after Facebook disappeared?

SC276: If the author just only hated Facebook, why bother with the other two stories?

Crazy56U: Because he’s a sadist.



Thank chocolate milk for that.



JofY: Regular milk can suck it.

SC276: You leave the sweet delicious brown gold out of this.

Crazy56U: (dumps a gallon of chocolate milk onto the floor while flipping you off)



Anyway, gotta go, I've written as much as I can and told the whole story for you guys. Have fun and enjoy our tale of " "



JofY: And this has been, The DiscordExe Trilogy. And what a fucking piece of shit that was. I struggle to think of a fic that was as factually wrong as this one was. Every single part about this fic has no clue how anything works. Hell, I’m not even sure what the author was trying to achieve with these stories. Sure, you could say that it’s an attempt to dethrone social media sites, but the people who work on it are the protagonists, and are attempted to be shown as good people. Not even 4chan is purely lambasted, as it says that it’s just one guy’s fault for how bad it is. Can’t say that it’s a story about redemption, since that whole bit only occurred in the last story. It ain’t even an OC insert fic since each story focuses on different characters. And don’t tell me that’s it’s a creepypasta type horror thing, since it never makes an attempt to try and show that the protagonists are in any real world danger. Especially since it just goes full on Dragon Ball at the end. Whadda bout the rest of you?

Crazy56U: What a rotten ending.

CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, this series of stories is so stupid, I think I may have

actually gained the ability to write program code. I’m going to go slam my head on

my spare keyboard for half an hour or so.

ToonGuy: Have fun. I’m going to get drunk and smash my computer against thewall... Then I’m going to go lie down and cry. Just a typical Saturday night. This wasn’t scary,

wasn’t effective, it’s not even doing it’s job as a smear piece!

SC276: I’m going to go boot up GameMaker and show this stupid haunted virus what actual game design is. I’ve got little else to say about a series that won’t keep continuity when there needs to be.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: The poll results are in… and damn, that was close.

Fallen Prime: I may have been the deciding vote on one of them. I looked at the tying stories, and one just looked more suitable for riffing than the other. I even have a minor history with the author of the other story, and I STILL didn’t see the thing as fit for riffing. Looked like a spite project anyway, and I really don’t think anyone but Mykan can make them worth scrutinizing.

RingmasterJ5: Exactly. Anyway, as I was setting the winning story up for riffing, I noticed something. Particularly, that it had a prequel.

Fallen Prime: Or, more accurately, that it itself was a sequel. Both are LUDICROUSLY short for multi-chapter projects, their combined length well within our comfortable limit, so we’re just gonna run ‘em both. Ladies and gentlemen, because you goddamn asked for it, Infinity Blade Brony’s shitty mini-saga of “The Shining Sabre” and “The New Bearer.”

RingmasterJ5: And yes, this is a Rainbow Factory fanfic, so expect bad and prepare for even worse.

JofY: Ooh! Please tell me that this is going to get really silly.

CaptainPipsqueak: You’re a bastard and I lovehate you.

SC276: Well, at least it’s not another Mare-Do-Well fic…

Crazy56U: Just once can’t we get a Canterlot Wedding fic?



Prologue



CaptainPipsqueak: Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

Crazy56U: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Topher: *explodes in a cloud of hype*



Scootaloo couldn't sleep that night as the rumored pegasus foal nappings have been swimming in her head like an school of fish.



SC276: And already we’re away from the canon. I give up on these even bothering to stay consistent anymore.

CaptainPipsqueak: What’s wrong with foals taking a snooze?

Crazy56U: Let me guess: the plot twist is that Scootaloo is a sea pony?

Bucephalus: Shoo-shoo-be-doo!

CaptainPipsqueak: *pulls out baseball bat*

Topher: *pulls out a shotgun*

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t kill him; he learns nothing that way.

Topher: I’ll aim for something not important.



Well she was ripped from not only the state of daydreaming but her bed too!



JofY: Someone finally ripped off the threads that had sewn her to her bed.

Crazy56U: ...ow?



"HELP ME!" she yelled at the top of her lungs as the masked pegasus grabbed her and darted out the window before her sister could react.



CaptainPipsqueak: And straight into the ‘action’ without a moment’s warning. My neck hurts.

SC276: You might wanna pace yourself there, author.

Scarlet: Zorro, no! You’re better than this!

Crazy56U: Holy crap, this is a Mare-Do-Well fic! And she’s gone rogue!

Bucephalus: Wow. This pace is like Insane Bolt.



"SCOOTALOO!" Cheerilee yelled.



CaptainPipsqueak: ...so Scootaloo’s in school? I thought you said she was in bed?

JofY: Clearly, Cheerilee is Scootaloo’s sister.

SC276: Worst sleepover ever.

Crazy56U: Wait, Cheerilee is Scootaloo’s sis- is this supposed to take place in G3?

Bucephalus: I thought Scootaloo was in her house. Cheerilee’s in Scootaloo’s house?

Pardon me while I go vomit.

Topher: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this WAS going, and I’ve seen enough snuff films to know where it is going...



But it was too late it happened to fast devastated that her only sister



CaptainPipsqueak: ...wut.

Scarlet: There is no time to escape make you time.

Crazy56U: Well, thankfully we have a narrator that can truly deliver the story in the

dramatic tone it deserves.

Bucephalus: I’m going to go wonder what I’m doing here. Cya.



was taken from her she vowed she would get her home safe but how! She was no pegasus she can't fly.



JofY: She couldn’t do the jive talk to narrate herself away!

Crazy56U: Well, that’s just stinkin’ thinkin’, Cheerilee! Just because you don’t have

wings doesn’t mean you can’t fly! Just borrow/steal Pinkie’s helicopter-thingy!



But she new a pony



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, right out of the blister pack!

SC276: new Pony();

Crazy56U: And so Cheerilee pulled a Wonder Woman and turned into a superhero to

chase after Scootaloo.

Bucephalus: The only thing that can save us is an ‘I’ll make a man out of you’ type

montage.



that can and he wasn't even a pegasus.



Scarlet: Cheerilee is forced to confront her nascent racism? (what)

Crazy56U: Nope, he was the Antichrist!

Bucephalus: Scarlet, shoot me. Quick.

Topher: On it! *shoots Bruce in the head* Hm… *shoots Bruce a few more times*

Bucephalus: Since when was my name Bruce?

Topher: Look, It just makes things easier if I just call you Bruce. Speaking of which, You’re not a poofter are you?



Thinking her luck had turned for the better she rushed to the library so Spike the dragon could get a very valuable letter to Canterlot for she was getting cousin Sabre!



CaptainPipsqueak: I’m beginning to get the feeling that this guy thinks punctuation is an interesting theory, but not the sort of thing for him.

SC276: Lemme revise that: new Pony(“crap OC”);

Crazy56U: Oh, okay, that makes more sense then: he’s not a pegasus, he’s a sword.

Bucephalus: Silly, he’s both. Transformers, ponies in disguise!



Chapter 1 The Letter the Cousin and the Hero



SC276: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, which I would rather be locked in - without my personal electronics - than read this.

Scarlet: All will be forgiven if Mr. Tumnus strolls in to save the story.

Crazy56U: This is a shitty sequel to “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover”...

Scarlet: Oooh, appropriate follow-up to a film with food as a central theme!

Bucephalus: Exactly. We’ll all be vegtables by the end.



Celestial Sabre



SC276: British!

Crazy56U: Which sounds like a shitty Final Smash move...



was just practicing his magic when a guard came in the door with a letter.



JofY: It was ‘T’

SC276: It was pain!

CaptainPipsqueak: “A message from the princesses, sir: something about ‘Fucking off and dying.’”

Crazy56U: It was from the Social Security Administration office, they’ve denied his

application to have his name changed. ...again...



He seemed concerned,



Crazy56U: What with his vacant expression and dead-to-the-world appearance...



well I guess you want to know what our protagonist looks like.



SC276: Only if you can do that without bringing the entire narrative flow to a screeching halt.

Scarlet: Actually I was hoping we could skip that and I could imagine that he’s secretly a gnome.

CaptainPipsqueak: I was thinking three weasels and a rabbit done up in a trenchcoat, myself.

Crazy56U: “He was clearly upset by the letter FUCK IT, CHARACTER DESCRIPTION

TIME!”

Bucephalus: Personally, I want to know why our protagonist can’t go screw himself

with some rusty nails.

Topher: Because you can’t screw nails, silly!



Now Sabre is a chestnut unicorn with walnut brown mane and crossed swords with purple blades for a Cutie mark.



Scarlet: ~Now Old Red was the damndest dog that I had ever seen/got a nose that can smell a two-day trail, he’s a four-legged trackin’ machine~

CaptainPisqueak: ~You can consider yourself mighty lucky to get past the gators and

the quicksand beds/But all the years that I been here ain’t nobody got past Red.~

Crazy56U: ...well, at least he’s not an alicorn…

Bucephalus: I’d love him to be an alicorn if he got his horn with one of those

aforementioned nails.

CaptainPipsqueak: Actually, if Saran Wrap is a chestnut unicorn, what was Sandwich

Bag before?



"Urgent message from Ponyville comes from a Miss.Cheerilee.". At the mention of his cousin Sabre ran to the guard using magic to open the message.



SC276: So wait, did you open the letter using magic, or run using magic?

JofY: Silly SC, you don’t run with magic in your hands, you could cut someone.

Crazy56U: No, he sliced the letter open with magic, duh. ...well, that and the guard...



"Dear Celestial Sabre I've come bearing bad news Scootaloo has been kidnapped!" startled at the statement he momentairaly stopped reading to catch his breath and kept reading.



Scarlet: Sometimes, in order to read, one must not-read. The Zen of letters.

CaptainPisqueak: Reading tires him. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our hero, Celestial Sabre!

Crazy56U: Huh, so he has severe asthma? That’s... interesting…

Bucephalus: Dear Cuz, this fanfiction doesn’t need you. Go find a far more crappy universe to inhabit.

Topher: I’ve seen news of a kidnapping delivered better by King Koopa.

CaptainPisqueak: Hey, at least then she’d be staying at a hotel. You could do worse.



"I need you Sabre your the only unicorn other than Twilight who would help well Twilight is out of town but contacted me I need you to get her back I promised Mom I would take care of her, please she needs you!".



SC276: ...OK, uh, one, you couldn’t have a letter sent to Twilight? You never specified how far away she is, she might even be closer than this guy. Two, you haven’t “come” anywhere, you sent a letter. Three, “Help me, OC Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

Crazy56U: Okay, is it wrong that I seriously thought that Twilight was Cheerilee’s mom because of how that was written?

CaptainPipsqueak: If that sentence were any more run-on, we’d have to chase it.

Bucephalus: Last week we referenced Undertale. Now, with the upcoming FA, all references must be to Star Wars. Got it?

Topher: *explodes in a cloud of hype*



He dropped the letter grabbed his armor and took off!



CaptainPipsqueak: EXCITEMENT!

Crazy56U: Presumably by bursting through the ceiling…

Bucephalus: And then he left the story. The end.



Sabre arrived at Ponyville within the hour with the help of his magic.



SC276: Hmm, the Friendship Express was going from Ponyville to Canterlot during the MMMM episode, right? I suppose that would be an overnight trip then, but I refuse to believe he managed to clear that distance in an hour with just “magic” alone. Teleportation is too quick for “within the hour,” and I doubt he would levitate himself the entire way.

Crazy56U: Well, following up on my ceiling theory, given how fast he would need to go for a sudden takeoff and to burst through the ceiling, my reasoning is that he turned into a missile. ...how he managed to not blow up is a separate thing entirely...



I mean he is the second in command of the royal guard.



JofY: Like, look at how special he his. My god.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes; truly he is a snowflake of startling brilliance.

Crazy56U: “I mean… y’know?”

Bucephalus: Shh. Don’t tell him that he’s actually being taught to make spaghetti.

Topher: I have no clue what’s going on, but if spaghetti is being made, I’m all for it.



Shining Armor recognized his abilities at the attack on Canterlot when he used his magic weapons to dispatch twenty Changelings in a matter of moments.



SC276: Why yes, now is the perfect time for the crash course on the backstory of the character we don’t give a shit about!

Scarlet: [Shining] “Good job dispatching twenty changelings in a matter of moments. Yes, that’s still a frighteningly small percentage of the overall invasion force, but it’s the thought that counts.”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Shining] “You took out those changelings by being knocked unconscious and falling on them, but I care about results, dammit!”

JofY: [Shining] “Wow. You beat up less changelings that my sister did! You’re the new second in command!”

Crazy56U: Which is code for “they ganged up on him and almost beat him to death while he was sobbing in the fetal position”...

Bucephalus: [Changeling No. 1] Let him win. He’s the writer’s fave.



"Well here I am." he said as he walked to the school.



SC276: [Sabre] “I’m gonna rock you like a hurricane.”

JofY: So, he’s a one hit wonder?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “...I think? I mean, this is Ponyville, right, tell me I didn’t get lost

again…”

Topher: [Prince Rutherford] “You make wrong turn at Apploosa. This YakYakistan.”



"Sabre oh thank Celestia your here!" said Cheerilee as she beckoned me in and explained to the students why I was here.



Scarlet: Dear god, he’s killed the narrator and taken over the story!

JofY: Someone call the police!

CaptainPipsqueak: Did...did the author just forget that the story was in third-person?

Crazy56U: No, the narrator got fed up and quit.



When two fillies a unicorn with a cotton candy mane and white fur,



CaptainPipsqueak: The fillies then ate the mane and were sent off with a swift slap to the ass.

Crazy56U: ...don’t tell me that’s supposed to be Pinkie’s kid...



and a yellow with red maned earth pony I recognized as Scootaloo's friends Applebloom, and Sweetiebell!



Crazy56U: ...Author, do you not know what Sweetie’s mane looks like?



"Well hello there girls how are you doing, you know with Scoots gone." said Sabre.



JofY: [Saber] “I hope that the random disappearance of your best friend isn’t hurting you right now. I mean, who knows where she is. She could already be dead. That is, if she wasn’t taken to do stuff even worse than that to her. But anyways, how does that make you feel?”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Sabre] “Yeah, right now some unknown menace could be having its way with her. Possibly sexually, possibly violently. Why, at this very moment the unknown assailant might be skinning her alive! So, do you feel like sushi for lunch? I’m in a sushi mood.”

Crazy56U: Dude, you suck at comforting children.



They remained silent "Not so good huh?" he exclaimed.



SC276: ...if Scootaloo was taken from her bed, Spike’s letter-sending is as far as we know instantaneous but is at least really quick even if the smoke has to physically go to its destination, Sabre is easy to track down since he’s of such a high position, and he got to the scene within an hour… unless she was kidnapped at the break of dawn, which is one of the stupidest times possible to commit a crime, it should be the middle of the night.

Crazy56U: Seriously... you suck.



The unicorn stepped up and said "Please bring Scootaloo back she's our best friend." She sniffled.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Sweetie Bell(e)]: “And only she knows where the drugs are hidden!”

Crazy56U: [Sweetie] “She also owes me, like, 10 bits…”



"Don't worry I will after all she's family, and I will do anything for family! ANY THING!" I exclaimed. Already thinking about how I'm gonna save Scoots."



SC276: You’re overselling, ya dip.

Scarlet: ANYTHING?

Crazy56U: Dude, don’t think about it, just do it! Seriously, why did the Author make this guy the most incompetent pony ever?

Bucephalus: Every second you spend trying to show how epic you are, another minute that Scootaloo is subjected to horrible torture.

Topher: This scene bores me. NEXT! *claps hands*

CaptainPipsqueak: But what would Swingandamiss do for a Klondike bar?



"Ow!" moaned Scootaloo as she noticed the pain in the back of her head.



Crazy56U: She got whiplash from the sudden, unexpected shift in narration…

Topher: ...I didn’t know I could do that.



Where was she? Panic gripped her as she felt the binds around her hooves. She was yelling "HELP HELP HELP ME!"



JofY: “I I I have a stuttering problem!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “My record-player’s busted!”

Crazy56U: Little did Scootaloo know that the binds being used were actually Twizzlers and she could’ve escaped 10 times over by now…

Bucephalus: Suddenly, she realized she was in a terrible fanfic.

Topher: And that’s when Pinkamena, Big Mac, and Cheerilee all came out with knives, in the gorefic to end all gorefics.



she yelled knowing well that she was kidnapped.



SC276: Um… duh?

CaptainPipsqueak: You need to remember that this is Scootaloo we’re talking about. Crazy56U: As opposed to being abandoned at IHOP like last time...

Topher: She originally thought she was at IHOP, but when nobody brought her any bacon, she realized something was up.



Chapter 2 I need a hoof



CaptainPipsqueak: You’ve got four!

SC276: Well at least the chapters are short… though it’ll probably help this fic’s badness as a bullet’s size helps it kill people.

Scarlet: Twelve small doses is still enough cyanide to be lethal.

Crazy56U: How’s about a fist instead? (punches the story)

Bucephalus: You do realize that you’re just making it worse for everyone involved? Just give up and suffer.

Crazy56U: (shakes hand in pain) Was that directed to me, I’m confused…

Topher: See, injuries like that are the reason I use guns. And knives. And bear traps. And grenades. And robot foxes.



Applebloom, Sweetiebell, and I decided to check around Ponyville for clues regarding the foal nappings.



SC276: You’re bringing two foals to investigate foalnappings. Why was this guy called again?

Scarlet: No, no, foal nappings. They’re tracking down the best place to take a nap.

Crazy56U: This amounted to the three of them walking around town with a bullhorn screaming “SCOOTALOO, WHERE ARE YOU?!”

CaptainPipsqueak: SCOOTALOO!

Bucephalus: I think our protagonist is Chaotic Stupid.

Topher: They also shook a bag of chicken feed in hope of luring her out. I’m not apologizing.

CaptainPipsqueak: Baked or fried?



"No I can't say I know to much about it." said one pony after another



JofY: Well, clearly every single pony saying the same rehearsed line, doesn’t mean anything.

Crazy56U: I mean, they story’s moving at such a breakneck pace, I doubt they even

know who they are anymore…

Topher: Or Ponyville is populated by NPCs.



until we found a young colt he looked rather bloodied and bruised if I might say.



Crazy56U: Okay then, tonal shift much…

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Yes you just might say so. That’s a definite probability. You might also comment on the weather or any such things.



"Oh my what happened to you, are you hurt?" I asked but he just muttered



SC276: That’s a bit of an obvious question, isn’t it?

Crazy56U: [Colt] “No, I’m just peachy, thanks for asking!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Colt] “Most of the blood isn’t mine; you should see the state of the other poor fuck.”



"Rrrrainbow..."



CaptainPipsqueak: ...connnnnnnectionnnnn.....

SC276: Of course, it’s Twilight Sparkle, because Reading Rainbow! ...Actually, given Twilight was mentioned as being absent in the last chapter, that would make for a more appropriate ending then who we know he’s talking about.

JofY: “R-royal raiiiiiinbow.”

Crazy56U: Oh God, Rainbow Bright is going on a rampage!



before blacking out I quickly got an ambulance and let the doctors handle it from here.



SC276: [Sabre] “See if you can also do something about all the tense changes. They’re starting to induce dementia in the readers.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I quite literally pulled the ambulance out of my ass, I don’t know how though…”

Bucephalus: What? Our protagonist has yet to get a PHD? Truly, the author must be slipping.



I still wondered who would hurt such a innocent foal like that and the word he muttered "rainbows"



Crazy56U: ...close, he said “rainbow”. Singular.

Topher: Meanwhile, in the doctor's office...



I wasn't sure what it meant but something clicked in the back of my mind but I couldn't put my hoof on it.



Scarlet: [Sabre] “Wait… that’s it! Butterfly in the sky! We can go twice as high!”

SC276: How can something click and you not know what it is? That isn’t how epiphanies work!

CaptainPipsqueak: Given how many things the author’s done wrong already, what’s one more thing?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I even went and asked Rainbow Dash is she knew what the colt meant by that. She promptly punched me in the jaw in fear and ran, so I guess she doesn’t know either.”

Bucephalus: That clicking, my friend, was a gun. Farewell.



"We're do yah think Scoots is, I'm scared.' said Applebloom.



Crazy56U: As you should be, Apple Bloom, given how you and Sweetie are now

apparently Scootaloo’s current location...



"Don't worry I'll find her but I'll need some helping hooves, ok."



CaptainPipsqueak: [Apple Bloom]: “OK!”

Crazy56U: “Sabre said, brandishing a knife.”



Sabre exclaimed. They nodded and we continued on. Taking a break round noon for a snack at Sugar CubeCorner were we thought about a plan.



SC276: [Sabre] “OK, now that we got rid of all the appropriate paragraph breaks, we can’t possibly be overheard.”

Crazy56U: I don’t know, Sabre. Were you thought out a plan?

Bucephalus: A were-we thought! At a full moon, their thoughts all combine to make a terrible story. Quick, grab the silver bullets.

Topher: *rummages in a pocket, pulls out a small box* I’ve only got enough to kill six, aim for the core concepts.



"Ok from what I've gathered the foals in question were all pegasus ponies and they were taken round midnight at the latest, and from what I've hearted that colt said were he got injured a place called "Rainbow Factory"



Scarlet: [Sabre] “And I’ve hearted many things over the years.”

JofY: Clearly this one foal I found has a connection to a conspiracy I just made up!

SC276: You’re in Ponyville and you draw connections to the Rainbow Factory and not Rainbow Dash?

Crazy56U: So, does this take place in the same continuity as "A Friendship Broken by Loyalty”, just curious…

Bucephalus: Rainbow Factory… I thought that we’d never have to return there. Oh dear.

CaptainPipsqueak: Continuity? Oh you poor deluded bugger...

Topher: Fanfiction follows the same rules of continuity as the Evil Dead movies, but with less Bruce Campbell.



I don't know why he would say that the place was safe



Crazy56U: Neither do I, since he quite literally never once said that. Are you just

bored with how the story is currently going and are trying to rewrite it as it goes?

Topher: Evil. Dead. Continuity.



as houses last time I checked" said Sabre. Now Sabre was one of the few unicorns who are able to walk on clouds due to magic.



Scarlet: ~Now you might consider yourself mighty hooky to get ‘round the gators and the quicksand beds/but in all these years that I’ve been here, ain’t nobody got past Red.~

SC276: Anypony with the right spell and the unicorn to cast it can walk on clouds. Why would that be innate with you? Your cutie mark even doesn’t have anything to do with it.

Crazy56U: After all, as Joe Quesada once said: “It’s magic, we don’t have to explain it.”

Bucephallus: I’m going to go watch The Force Awakens to drown my sorrows. Anyone want to join me?



"I've heard that name before." said Sweetie before falling down on the floor grabbing her head screaming to stop hurting me you pegasus jerks!



Scarlet: Sweetie, I know it hurts, but protesting like that won’t end the story any faster. I’ve checked.

JofY: [Sweetie] “ARGH! Not my unexplainable psychic powers!”

Crazy56U: (worried) Uh, guys, I think Sweetie’s having an aneurysm, someone call

the hospital…

Bucephalus: No. I reserved all the beds for us. We’re going to need them by the end of this travesty.



The fits continued for a little bit then stopped when she got up and said "What happened?" thus I told her of what happened. "I..I..I don't know how that happened I just know something happened there." she said.



Scarlet: [Sweetie] “See? It’s in the script.”

SC276: As if a million voices suddenly cried out in agony and were silenced.

CaptainPipsqueak: I thought there were only, like, five of us...

Crazy56U: [Sweetie] “Yeah, I’m psychic now, deal with it.”

Bucephalus: [God] “You should kill him.” A million kudos to you if you get that reference.



"First you should rest, after an fit like that it's a good idea." said Sabre. Sweetie nodded and I brought her home. Rarity was so upset at what had happened.



"Why how dreadful are you ok Sweetiebelle." said Rairity.



Scarlet: [Rairity] “I AM NOT DECOY ROBOT RARITY I AM REAL THING SWEETIEBELLE BEEP BOOP.”

Crazy56U” [Rarity] “(clearly drunk) No, I d-didn’t get into the wi- hic! wine again, why you a-a-ask?”

CaptainPipsqueak: One of these days, Sweetie Belle will see a doctor about getting a space inserted into her name. She just needs to save up enough bits.



"Sweetie just needs rest" I told her. I led her inside the boutique to her room and went back to Sugar Cube Corner.



Scarlet: Because saving Scootaloo from the place you just got a lead on can wait until after you finish your munchies. Our hero!

SC276: So, you left Apple Bloom unsupervised? I suppose you determined that only pegasus foals were at risk, but still, not letting her make sure her friend is getting some rest is a dick move.

Crazy56U: Uh, are we sure that Sweetie Bell isn’t dead now?

Bucephalus: Occam’s razor. We’ll have to live without it till the end of this, Crazy. I’m sorry.

CapainPipsqueak: You know, Occam’s gonna be absolutely pissed when he needs to shave and he learns we cribbed his razor. Why do we have the damn thing, anyway?

Bucephalus: According to Occam’s Razor, we’re kleptos.

Topher: *bowing before a razor in a display case* OH, MIGHTY RAZOR, TELL US MORE TRUTHS!



Chapter 3 Scootaloo's prison



Scootaloo could hear the faint hum of machinery as she was awoken.



Scarlet: For the second time now?

JofY: Yeah, it’s likely been weeks since Scootaloo has been kidnapped. That’s what all the tense changes were for, right?

SC276: ~Now she’s awoken and she’s taking back control…~

Crazy56U: SHE’S IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM!

Bucephalus: Time for your root canal!



Her head hurt she was bruised and in pain, most importantly scared.



SC276: Yes, her being scared is more important than the actual injuries.

Crazy56U: Her head was scared, the rest of her body was annoyed.

Bucephalus: Guys, I’ve lost an artery. But, more importantly, I think this story is crap.



"No I have to stay calm, cool, and collected now how do I get out?" said Scootaloo in hushed rapid tones.



SC276: Well that was fast.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Yes, what do you think, voices in my head?”

[Voices] “rainbowdashrainbowdashrainbowdashrainbowdashrainbowdash”

[Scootaloo] “Aw, come on, that’s your answer to everything.”

Topher: Scootaloo has issues, doesn’t she?



She looked around and she saw the first of many horrors to come.



Scarlet: The line to get into the theater for the new Star Wars movie!

JofY: Why are there so many Jar-Jar Binks cosplayers!?

CaptainPipsqueak: Immense self-hatred?

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “There’s more story?!?!”

Bucephalus: But no Darth Jar Jar?

CaptainPipsqueak: I said ‘self-hatred’, not ‘cleverness.’



A headless colt lying on the ground with all the color basically sucked out of him or her she couldn't tell from this angle,



SC276: Yeah, uh, for the sake of my own sanity, I’m just going to pretend the author’s attempting a ripoff of Rainbow Factory instead of anything resembling in continuity with it.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Oh my gosh, that pony’s been Godfather-ed!”

Bucephalus: Um… Color draining? Wasn’t that an episode of Gen 2 or something? Or a Care Bears movie? Is the other really that cheap?



but she knew she might join the foal when a knife pierced her flank and she saw the eyes of a psychopath it was her hero Rainbowdash!



Scarlet: [Rainbowdash] “I AM NOT CYBORG IMPERSONATOR I AM REAL RAINBOW DASH WHIIIIIR CLANK.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(repeatedly jabbing Scootaloo with the knife) Jabity, jabity, jab jab jab!”

Bucephalus: Then, her other hero, Rainbow Dash, came and beat the snot out of Rainbowdash.

Topher: THIS SCENE BORES ME! *claps hands*



"Hey Applebloom what's got you troubled other than the obvious?" asked Sabre.



Scarlet: I take it the author hasn’t ever heard of the concept of “line breaks”.

SC276: Aaaaaand there’s the whiplash. It hurts.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pft. I had whiplash before it was cool.

Fallen Prime: Hipster whiplash? Hiplash?

Crazy56U: And thus the true cause for Random Pony’s decapitation is revealed: he was whiplashed to death.



"I'm just worried Scoots is gone, and now Sweetie I think she lost it." said Applebloom.



JofY: “Sweetie bell is always losing Scootaloo. I mean, can’t she just know where she left her, for like five minutes!?”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “I mean, one of my friends was ponynapped, and the other

went mental, overall this is a pretty lackluster Tuesday all things considered…”



She glanced around the unusually quiet sweets shop



Crazy56U: Fun Fact: I accidentally misread that as “sweat shop” and got concerned...

Topher: In a rare double whammy, Rainbow Factory and Pony.mov are both canon here.



like she was worried about some one sneaking around to get her.



Crazy56U: Well, Rainbow’s busy murdering Scootaloo in the other scene, honey, I

think you’ll be fine...



Now that's just what I thought she quickly looked back to the table knowing that I was looking at her.



Scarlet: And she looked at you. And you looked at her. And we get it, we know how the joke works by this point!

Crazy56U: [Saber] “I like pulling double duty as character and narrator! It makes me feel like I’m not completely useless!”



"You okay Applebloom?" I asked. But she only remained quiet. "Well she's gonna be fine Scoots and Sweetie alike."



Crazy56U: Scootaloo and Sweetie are the same pony? What?!

Bucephalus: They melted, then got fused with DETERMINATION!



I said hoping to cheer her up. But to no avail.



SC276: Yeah, given Scootaloo’s actually been stabbed by now… that or the author has no idea what “pierce” means…

Crazy56U: Again: you suck at comforting children, dude...



"Why hello there." said a blue pegasus that I recognized as.



Scarlet: Soarin’? Windchaser? Cloudy Skies? Indigo Zap?

Crazy56U: Sonic in pony form!



"RainbowDash." I said to say hello to the captain of the weather team.



Scarlet: Oh I see, Rainbow is apparently in two places at once. Well my riff about the cyborg impersonator was dead on.

SC276: [Sabre] “Dinkleberg…”

Crazy56U: Fuck, I forgot to factor in the possibility that Rainbow could teleport, RUN APPLE BLOOM!

Bucephalus: If she can teleport, doesn’t that make running futile?

Topher: OH SHIT HE’S RIGHT!



We met a few months back at the wedding of Shining and Cadence.



Crazy56U: Huh. ...so, technically, this is a Canterlot Wedding fic...



Why if it wasn't for her and her friends I would be dead now. I know I said I took on twenty changelings by myself well number twenty one kinda got me off guard.



Crazy56U: Holy fuck, so my “they ganged up on him” joke is canon?!

Bucephalus: No. They came at him one on one, then the last one snuck up from behind.



I'd be dead if Rainbow Dash hadn't kicked it of me.



Scarlet: Wait wait wait. Did an OC just acknowledge a canon character’s contributions as being helpful, necessary, and overall important? what strange land of madness is this?

SC276: You were anywhere near where the Mane 6 fought against the changelings?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, this is some goofy shit we’re seeing here.

Crazy56U: GGGGGGGGOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!



"Why hello there mister second in command." She said in a sarcastic tone. "I heard you were looking for Scootaloo, I've come to help out, wouldn't be the element of loyalty if I didn't." she said.



Scarlet: So let’s take bets on whether she’s going to backstab him or there really is a cyborg evil Rainbow Dash in this!

JofY: Is she still being sarcastic?

SC276: I know we are.

Captainipsqueak: We haven’t stopped yet.

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow pulled out said Element and proceeded to shank him with it.



I was glad to hear that more ponies were here to help. "Thank you miss I guess I owe you another favor then?" I said rubbing the back of my head.



"Don't worry about it looking for Scootaloo is enough for my help in Canterlot." She said.



Scarlet: Wouldn’t be the Element of Loyalty if she didn’t expect repayment for her previous good deeds.

SC276: Plus his 80% interest, compounded daily…

CaptainPipsqueak: And that’s why Rainbow’s my favorite.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “...so, that’s a yes, then?”

[Rainbow Dash] “Oh, hell yes.”



"Thank you." quietly said Applebloom or Applegloom (sorry for the bad pun).



JofY: (fires a gun)

CaptainPipsqueak: No you’re not, you lying fuck.

Crazy56U: (nose begins bleeding)

Topher: Ok, lesson time. If you’re trying to be dark, don’t write puns.



But seriously I've never seen her with such little spirit, she worried me.



SC276: If she worries you so much, why you joking in the first place?!

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s a coping mechanism.

Crazy56U: Wait, so someone stole Apple Bloom’s soul?



"I'll look around Cloudsdale for her if you need me give me a shout." said Rainbow Dash as she dashed away.



Scarlet: Aaaah, I see. She’s Rainbow Dash, imposter’s Rainbowdash… no that doesn’t work, Sabre greeted her as Rainbowdash. So maybe- aha, that’s it! The author is just terrible!

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “BRB, gonna kill Scootaloo!”

[Sabre] “Wha-”

[Rainbow Dash] “NOTHING!”



Chapter 4 not a single soul gets through.



Scarlet: The rejected slogan for humanity pitching the “trap ‘em all in a giant barrier” plan to deal with the monsters in Undertale.

SC276: [human] “How were we supposed to know they were capable of getting out by working together?!”

Crazy56U: (buzz) What is “Dark Souls”?



Two hours later. "What do you even need me for!" yelled Scootaloo.



Crazy56U: Poor dear, she’s questioning why she’s still in the story…

CaptainPipsqueak: Sounds like the right thing to do, if you ask me.



She directed her question at Rainbow Dash as she opened the door. Already scared by the dark, cold, blood stained room with corpses all over the room.



Scarlet: [Rainbow Dash] “Marketing! I need a cute sidekick character or my upcoming movie won’t reach out to the young foal demographic!”

JofY: [Scootaloo] “You monster!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Wasn’t she RainbowDash just a few paragraphs back?

SC276: (slams head against the wall) I know I said I wouldn’t consider this Rainbow Factory, but the device is a fucking GRINDER!

Crazy56U: Here, friend, maybe this will make you happy.



"How do you not remember I know it was months ago, but how do you not remember?"



Crazy56U: That is a fucking paradox.



said an obviously annoyed Rainbow Dash.



Scarlet: [Scootaloo] “Look, my brain deletes offensively stupid information. It’s a survival mechanism.”

Crazy56U: Uh, Narrator, that line came off more as her being confused more than anything else...



"But if I must explain,



SC276: Oh god, no, I don’t want more exposition.

Crazy56U: Which means you’re about to ramble incoherently.



here at the rainbow factory we create the rainbows for all of Equestria after an incident our princess was unable to do so,



Crazy56U: There is a very easy and very horrible joke one can make here...



as such she came to the pegusi for help, and so we made a factory to create rainbows but we kept one thing secret from the princess." said Rainbow Dash.



Scarlet: And that secret thing is that these rainbows are sugar-free and made entirely from artificial sweetener.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Scootaloo]: “You...monster.”

Crazy56U: Also, apparently this doesn’t share “A Friendship Broken by Loyalty”’s continuity… ...is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

CaptainPipsqueak: And if she went to the pegusi for help, how does this involve Rainbow Dash? She’s not a pegusus.



"And what's that?" asked Scootaloo regretting asking that.



Scarlet: Meta-Scootaloo begins to tire of this bullshit.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Let me guess, you grind up ponies into rainbo-”

[Rainbow Dash] “God damn it, Scootaloo, you spoiled the big reveal!”



"We needed foals to create them there colorful spirits were capable of being turned into a liquid state and released into the air to make rainbows, and now you know." she answered.



Scarlet: What a completely wasteful use of perfectly decent blood magic components!

SC276: I swear, no one who’s written a Rainbow Factory fic has ever actually read Rainbow Factory.

Crazy56U: And knowing is half the meme.

CaptainPipsqueak: Big deal; the other half is gunplay and explosions. Which would you rather have?



"NO NO NO!" screamed Scootaloo now fearful for her life.



JofY: She wasn’t before? What did she think was going to happen?

Crazy56U: [Scootloo] “I WAS TOLD WE WEREN’T RIPPING OFF THAT STORY! OH

GOD NO!”



Her mind was a flurry of fear as she struggled against her bonds to no avail.



SC276: Oh, right, she’s tied up. Augh…

Crazy56U: Sean Connery, stop holding Scootaloo captive!



Back at Ponyville I Celestial Sabre



SC276: I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS…

Crazy56U: Ponyville I? ...there’s more than one Ponyville now?

CaptainPipsqueak: Sure. Ever since the parasprite thing, they keep spares.



was stumped.



Crazy56U: So, par for the course?



"Why can't I find anything I've searched every corner of Ponyville, and the foalnapper couldn't of escaped as soon as the disappearances started pegusi, and unicorns haven't let any pony leave or enter the town so now were?" I said to myself.



Scarlet: [Colt from Earlier] “Seriously I nearly died to give you that fucking rainbows clue, dickweed.”

Crazy56U: Oh sure, now he can say a shit-ton of words without getting winded...



"Hello there can I talk to you? " asked a purple unicorn that I also knew.



"Why Twilight Sparkle how goes you?" I asked.



Scarlet: Didn’t you just say she was unavailable because of the reason?

SC276: Plus no one’s left or entered the town!

Crazy56U: ...maybe she was getting drunk and didn’t want to be disturbed?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m pretty sure we all envy her if that’s the case.



"Oh fine but I heard about Scootaloo and came to help in any way I can." said Twilight.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I was taking my sweet ass time to do so, of course, because I

needed to get shitfaced before taking part in this tripe. As ya do.”



Glad for the extra help I accepted her help. "Then let's get to work!" she said with an adventurous glint in her eyes.



Scarlet: Wait wait wait. A canon character went out of her way to drop her obligations and make sure that the OC in question has back-up for what might be a dangerous mission? I don’t even know what to make of this!

SC276: I dunno, a canon character going out of her way to drop her obligations for the OC seems like a normal thing.

CaptainPipsqueak: Even for a dipfuck like this?

Crazy56U: Yeah, uh huh, “adventurous glint”. Look, Author, you aren’t changing my mind: Twilight is plastered, and that’s all there is to it.



"Aaaah stop stop please stop!" yelled Scootaloo as her captor just played with her slowly cutting into her flesh with her knife. But she didn't stop.



SC276: Just like the author!

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Seriously, stop, you’re doing this wrong! Aren’t I supposed to be in some kind of grinder or some-”

[Rainbow Dash] “I SAID SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!”



Trying to reason with the psycho pony was out of the window she tried to threaten her. "If you kill me I'll haunt you for the rest of your life!" she said.



Scarlet: They all say that. At most about three percent actually end up doing it.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Seriously, I’m gonna go all Poltergeist on your flank!”

CaptainPipsqueak: The original or the shitty remake?

Crazy56U: Yes.



"Oh, but you see I can leave but as for you not a single soul gets through!" Rainbow Dash laughed.



JofY: See! Even Rainbow Dash thinks the dialogue is hilariously bad!

SC276: [author] “Let’s see, how can I really connect this generic murder!Dash fic to Rainbow Factory so I can leech off its long-since-peaked success…? Oh, I know, I’ll quote the song with no attempt to make the narrative flow with it! Perfect!”

Crazy56U: Oh, fuck, Rainbow doesn’t believe in ghosts...



Terrified Scootaloo could only sit there terrified for death, then she screamed "HELP ME!"



Scarlet: Well, good luck with that Scootaloo. At this rate Sabre will be here just in time to pick up your remains.

Crazy56U: Hopefully, she’ll be able to burst Rainbow’s ear drums with her screams...



Chapter 5 We find the trail



Crazy56U: (pulls out a copy of “Oregon Trail”) We sure do!



Applebloom was just leaving Sweet Apple Acres to check if her friend Sweetiebell was okay when she saw something flutter down in front of her. "Now what in tarnation could that be?" she exclaimed before picking the item up to examine it. "It looks like a mask but who's mask is it?"



Scarlet: Zorro, no!

SC276: Zorro, yes!

Crazy56U: Zorro, maybe!



she said as she decided to give this to Sabre in case he knew anything about it cause it looked mighty similar to something she'd seen before, but she couldn't put her hoof on it. Shrugging she trotted off into town.



Scarlet: [Applejack] “Eh, consarn it, story ain’t gettin’ any closer to bein’ finished if I don’t get up and do something about it.”

Crazy56U: (confused) W-wait, I-I thought it was Apple Bloom we were following?

SC276: If you’re telling me that Rainbow dropped her mask flying over the Acres, I question why she would even have it, or at least not have it in a secure container where no one would be able to fucking see it.



While flying up to the factory a strong wind current came and slammed into RainbowDash as she was sifting through her sattlebags knocking her mask out of her grasp. "Oh horse shoes!" she exclaimed. She really should of gone after it but she wasn't going to be late for work over one mask. She closed her bags and dashed through the clear blue.



Scarlet: Wait what’s going on here? Why are we flashing back? Did AJ find the mask before or after Rainbow begins menacing Scootaloo? Time is warped and space is bendable!

Crazy56U: You’re telling me! Apparently, Apple Bloom turned into Applejack mid-story!

CaptainPipsqueak: So puberty and a body-swap? Ouch.

SC276: And if we’re in first-person Sabre-cam, why are we getting any of this?!



Sabre was talking to Cheerilee trying to calm her, she was so worried about Scootaloo that she was hardly able to function.



SC276: Or maybe we’re not in first-person MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a bottle of “Clamato”) Here, sounds like you need a drink...

SC276: Save it for next week.

Topher: *pulls out a can of gasoline* Fine, Let’s drink this. *Starts chugging*



Seeing her like that told me if I didn't find her soon she would cease to function at all. Twilight came back with three cups of tea.



Scarlet: I’m just going to play this recording of Scootaloo’s terrified screams through every single one of the following scene of our heroes failing to follow up on the lead Sabre even connected to the factory. And not to Rainbow Dash, shockingly.

Crazy56U: Yes, tea will save Scootaloo! Good job, Twilight! (takes a swig of “Clamato”)

CapptainPipsqueak: Anyone wanna pizza? I feel like a pizza. Anyone wanna pizza?

Topher: I could go for a pizza. Should we pay cash, credit, or can I just shoot the pizza guy?



She sat them on the table and sat down relaying the evidence. "And then you heard that colt saw "Rainbow Factory" right?". I nodded yes,



Crazy56U: Except no. Again, all the colt said, said not saw, was “Rainbow”. ...granted,

that is what he was trying to say, but how in the FUCK did you realize that he was

trying to say that?!



and she continued. "Doesn't Rainbow Dash run that place now, and should we go up to check it out I've got a spell that could let us walk on clouds." she said.



Scarlet: So far, things Sabre has solved- zero. Things Twilight and the mane six have started to solve- all of them. Why is he even here?

SC276: Call him Ishmael, maybe?

Crazy56U: He’s here because he’s pulling double duty as the Load, obviously.

CaptainPipsqueak: On the bright side, at least he hasn’t fucked any of them, either.

Topher: Give it time.



"As do I, but what does the Rainbow Factory have to do with the foalnappings?" I asked.



SC276: How about the beat-up foal talking about it apparently.

Crazy56U: Okay, Sabre, I know you have the brainpower of a grapefruit, but if you think really hard, you can put it together... You can do it honey, I believe in you...



"I don't know but we should check just to be sure." she said as an anxious yellow filly came in panting.



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Look. It’s a Rainbow Factory spin-off. You know it, I know it. We’d both be happier if it weren’t, but that’s the hand we got dealt and we’re playing it to the end.”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Oh thank God I found you guys, I got lost due to all the sudden scene changes!”



"Mister Sabre I think you should see this." she said between pants, and as I took it Cheerilee let out a small yelp.



"The foal napper was wearing that mask!" she said before remembering Scootaloo and going quiet yet again.



Scarlet: [Cheerilee] “Admittedly I’m not sure what good they thought a domino mask was going to do given it couldn’t possibly hide a distinct, seven-colored mane, but you know.”

Crazy56U: As it happens, Rainbow just got done robbing a bank prior to taking Scootaloo...



"Well I say we give the factory a visit." I said seeing the rainbow colored hair in the top of the mask



Scarlet: Celestial Sabre- ace detective. Only took you this long to decide to follow up on your leads.

SC276: Get on with it!

Crazy56U: Also, I’d recommend washing that mask if you plan to keep touching it; given what Rainbow’s been doing, I doubt that that’s clean...



"PLEASE LET ME GO!" Scootaloo yelled as Rainbow Dash "softened her up" so the machine wouldn't get clogged.



JofY: So, she forced Scootaloo to take a bath?

Crazy56U: No, she poured fabric softener all over her.



She was covered in cuts, gashes, and bruises now and one of her eyes swollen shut. She just wanted to go home.



Scarlet: Take us with you!

Crazy56U: Or, better option, a better story. ...or a hospital...





But if I do that I could be killed, arrested, or both why I can't let that happen no hard feelings."



SC276: I just checked the original fic, and yes, this giant mass of spaces here is actually there.

Crazy56U: Okay, thank you for checking that, I thought something happened when this got dumped into Google Docs… That, or Scarlet did something to it…

CaptainPipsqueak: I think that could have only helped.



she said extending her hoof then realizing the foal was bound she just picked up a knife and slashed.



Scarlet: Come to think of it, where the hell is Rainbow holding that knife? Her wings? Her mouth? A specialized device for wielding knives?

JofY: Granted, Scootaloo missed… BECAUSE SHE CAN’T MOVE IN HER STATE!

Crazy56U: ...the bonds? Did she slash the bonds?



"We're almost there" said Twilight as we descended onto Cloudsdale.



Crazy56U: ...you can’t descend into the sky...



The city was a beautiful assortment of buildings made of pure white clouds, pegusi flying all over the place,



SC276: Gee, author, thanks for assuming the people on the MLP fanfic website haven’t seen the show!

Crazy56U: Oh, so that’s why it’s named Cloudsdale! I thought it was because it was made out of dreams!



but what cought my eye was the cloud sending rainbows into the blue sky.



Scarlet: That cought my eye too. And it won’t let go. I had to replace it.

SC276: “Cought” sounds Transylvanian or something.

CaptainPipsqueak: How would you pronounce that? ‘Kawft’?

Crazy56U: That cloud is puking up rainbows? ...huh, guess it’s a homosexual...



"Now let's get to the factory!" I said before landing on the factories balcony. They were greeted buy two pegusi in lab coats



SC276: Only if I can sell these five unicorns in bell-rimmed wizard hats.

Crazy56U: God DAMN it, would you fuck off with the ads, Author, this is why I have Adblock!



who beckoned for them to stop.



"Halt the Rainbow Factory is off limits please go back!" shouted the pegasus standing next to the balloon his name tag read "Tyler".



Scarlet: ...jeez, that pony’s parents must have hated him. That’s the Equestrian equivalent of naming someone “Starchild”.

Crazy56U: Hey, at least they didn’t name him “Sunpraiser”...



"Now that would be lovely, but RUN!" I yelled and Twilight and a jumped out running twords the factory.



JofY: Congratulations! You have successfully run into a door!

Scarlet: They missed and plummeted to the ground below. Twilight had prepared a feather fall spell. Sabre was not so lucky.

SC276: That actually worked. That was literally as stupid as telling them to hold their breath because of a gas leak and waiting for them to pass out.

Crazy56U: Wow. The only way that could’ve been stupider is if he pointed and shouted “I’m over there!”

Topher: *looks off to the side* where?



Chapter 6 The Confrontation



Crazy56U: Which should’ve happened, hmm, let’s be reasonable here... ...five chapters ago…

Topher: *bursts into song* Rainbow, at last, we see each other plain, Madame L’mayor, you’ll wear a different chain.



As we raced through the factory the employees chased us until we came upon a large steel door.



Crazy56U: Oh crap, a door. His greatest weakness!

CaptainPipsqeak: “Do I push it? Do I pull it? I’M SO CONFUSED!”



It was our only way through!



Crazy56U: ...as it should, because that’s how doors work!



So my horn blazed with my familiar purplish pink magic, and I morphed it into a sort of battering ram and bashed my way through.



Scarlet: *munches popcorn* Okay, magic fight. I can get behind this.

SC276: He beats out the door instead of just pulling open the sides because *waves arms everywhere*

Crazy56U: Or, failing that, he could’ve just blasted the door away. (steals some of Scarlet’s popcorn)

Topher: *sporting 3D glasses* GET TO THE FIGHT!



What we saw we couldn't bear.



JofY: No! Not the innocent bear!

Crazy56U: What’s the Author’s problem with “We Bare Bears”? Seriously...



Filly's and colts being tossed into a type of grinder, and on the other side a batch of rainbows came out!



Scarlet: Behold! The true origins of the Reading Rainbow! *evil cackle*

SC276: OK, if it is a grinder, why were there identifiable color-drained corpses before?

Crazy56U: Well, duh, how else do you think they power the grinder here?



Horrified Twilight Sparkle threw up all over the floor.



JofY: Normal Twilight Sparkle got thrown up on.

Crazy56U: But what about Apathetic Twilight Sparkle?



"I can't belive this,



SC276: I can’t “belive” your spelling.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “How am I walking on air?!”



in all my days I've arrested countless criminals, seen countless deaths but none disgusted me as much as this it it sickens me." I said disgusted.



Scarlet: I see our protagonist has had his ‘I can never forgive you’ moment. Anime levels in this room, increasing.

Crazy56U: [Narrator/Author] “Oh, BTW, Twilight’s also a part-time cop, just FYI.”



"I I I just need a minute you go ahead, don't worry I'll be fine just GO" she told me.



SC276: Eh, to get over this atrocious writing, you’ll need at least a week.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “‘K. (leaves the story)”

THE END



I bowed, turned twords the door on the other side and ran.



Scarlet: Towards. towards. Spell check!

Crazy56U: (scoff) That voodoo? Please...



BANG BANG



Scarlet: ~into your room-~

SC276: ~-Maxwell’s silver hammer came down upon his head...~

Crazy56U: Oh my god, he shot her down!



the sounds of Sabre's break in could be heard all the way through the factory. Completely mystified by what could have made that ruckus. "Well the janitors can clean up the mess I have work to do!" said the blue mare.



Scarlet: Who, Cloud Kicker?

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, Rainbow, the custodial staff have feelings too!



"You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into eh Dashie!" said Scootaloo smugly.



Scarlet: Oh, just say her goddamn name next time.

SC276: Has everyone else stopped giving a damn?

Crazy56U: Big talk coming from someone who should be dead by now...



"And what might that be hm I'd say our workers can handle what ever that was." she said right as the door shattered into pieces and an armored brown unicorn walked in a face full of rage.



Scarlet: 6/10 on the comic timing there. Decent effort, though!

Crazy56U: Huh. Sabre’s part Kool Aid Man...



"LET HER GO RAINBOW DASH OR ELSE!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I activated my horn turning my magic into the shape of a long sword.



Scarlet: ...actually, y’know, I kind of find this cute. He’s not the strongest mage of all time, he just uses his magic like a Green Lantern ring and forms energy constructs instead of casting more traditional spells. I mean this is gonna get messed up in five minutes, but credit where it’s due, I will take an OC with a specific and defined skill set over a red and black alicorn who is Twilight’s secret lover any day. I really don’t hate you yet, Sabre. Don’t get used to that, we have two fics to go.

SC276: Given how difficult it was for him to trace the foalnappings to the factory, perhaps we should be glad his imagination is limited.

Crazy56U: Okay, but real talk here: why can’t he just magic up a gun and shoot Rainbow right here and now?

JofY: That would be cheating.



"Now that was fast



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I should know I am fast you know.”



I guess you've ran out of patience, and I can't blame you



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I would want to get out of this stupid story too I mean

seriously we’re ripping off Rainbow Factory what’s up with that?”



I mean she's nearly dead your probobly exhausted and I'm just peachy."



SC276: That was like three sentences.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “And now we shall fight to the death and I shall kill you to death isn’t talking with run-on sentences and no punctuation so fun I think it is fun isn’t it fun I shall kill you now.”



said Rainbow Dash with a glint of challenge in her eyes as she picked up a knife longer than the rest.



Scarlet: with what

JofY: This knife was 6 cm instead of 5 cm!

Crazy56U: Oh God, she pulled that out of her ass!



I sent my magic blade flying and cleaved the knife into.



SC276: It’s a magic sword, author, not a katana.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Fuck, that’s what I get for buying knives from the Dollar General…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Into what? Julienne fries? Coleslaw? Garnish art? TELL MEEEEE!



Startled she jumped straight up, and hit the roof "owwww what the hay that was uncalled for!" she yelled.



Scarlet: Fight dialogue… you lost it. You had it. And you lost it.

JofY: “I mean, it’s like I kidnap children or something!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, how dare Sabre have no part in you literally jumping up to the ceiling and hitting your head, you STUPID DUMB HORSE.



"No your uncalled for you b#%4*



JofY: You bnumberpercentfourastrisk!

CaptainPipsqueak: I wonder what that would even sound like. Anyone want to fund a study?

SC276: No, you!

Crazy56U: Oh, come on, you’re ripping off “Rainbow Factory” and have shown

corpses and torture. You are fucking allow to fucking swear, you fucking fuckity fuck!



I'm not even begun to take out my rage on you." I yelled at her. I again lit up my horn making a spear this time, and lunged.



Crazy56U: Gun! Make a gun! Shoot her! Shoot! GUN! GUN!

JofY: *shoots Crazy56U* ...is that what you wanted?

Crazy56U: (rubs head in pain) No, but thank you, I needed that…

Topher: Would shooting you again help?



She dodged grabbed a hatchet and swung I blocked it, and through my spear at her she smacked it away with her hatchet.



Scarlet: I see that Rainbow Dash is wielding the holy weapons of the goddess of yandere.

SC276: Hold on, lemme look up the trope pantheon… The goddess of yandere is apparently Yuno Gasai from Mirai Nikki / Future Diary, and she apparently has an axe, so… right on the money there, Scar.

Crazy56U: You see, Sabre? That could’ve been avoided if you would just shoot her with the gun that YOU CAN EASILY MAKE!

JofY: Okay, I’m going to actually have to sightly argue that he may not be able to do it.

Crazy56U: ...if he can sword and spear, HE CAN GUN.

JofY: Can he also bullet? What about gunpowder? Furthermore, he may not even know what a gun is. It’s not like gu-

Crazy56U: (legitimately angry) STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY THIS BEING

DRAGGED ON LONGER!

JofY: ...sorry. It’s just my job.

CaptainPipsqueak: And anyway, the real question is “Can he shot web?”

Topher: Even if he can’t gun, he can at least make something like Yondu’s arrow in Guardians of the Galaxy.



"I can't keep this up all day, I've got to get Scoots." I mumbled but when I turned Twilight was running with Scootaloo on her back.



Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Oh, right, you’re in this story!”



Now I could drop this place for good!



Scarlet: [John Freeman] “Time for me to live up to my family name and experience FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES!”

SC276: Unless he colony drops the factory, and somehow not the rest of Cloudsdale, I’m going to be disappointed.

Crazy56U: Yes, drop it like a bad habit. Like smoking or playing “Candy Crush”...



Twilight and Scootaloo were already in the balloon hovering below the factory while tending to Scootaloo's wounds.



SC276: Ohh, a balloon’s involved now.

Crazy56U: Well, honestly, at this point, given just how much has been pulled out of the characters’ asses, are you really surprised?



"She really did a number on you didn't she?" asked Twilight.



"A number and then some."



JofY: [Saber] “She forced it so that seven eight nine.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “It was like… eight numbers…”

Topher: Scootaloo was nearly eighty-sixed!



replyed Scootaloo dryly. Then they herd the bang!



Scarlet: ~bang into your room, I know you need it!~

SC276: ~bang Maxwell’s silver hammer make sure that he was dead!~

Crazy56U: Oh, yay, the world’s ending!



Chapter 7 I take my revenge



The fight could've gone either way, but to let you know what happened.



SC276: Only if you can do it without breaking the narrative flow. Again.

Crazy56U: FUCK YOU.



During the fight we clashed magic on steel, she held her ground and got a couple of slashes on me one of them putting a gash in my muzzle causing me to reel back.



Scarlet: “I had to take a penalty to my action on the next turn to recover from Reeling.”

Crazy56U: DAMN IT, Rainbow! The jugular! You need to aim for the jugular! Not the muzzle!



Feeling lucky she came in for the kill and I swung my magic axe I sliced her left wing off. "GAH WHAT DID YOU DO!" She yelled.



Scarlet: Pulled a Cupcakes, apparently.

SC276: He chopped your wing off. Pay attention already.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “My wing is missing, I’m in pain, and you chopped it off with an axe! What did you do?!?!”



"Just evened the score." I said as blood flowed from the stump were her wing used to be. "Now the world will be safe."



JofY: Because all of crime started with that one wing!

SC276: Yeah, when did this get out? Pretty sure hacking a wing off ain’t gonna stop Glimmer.

Crazy56U: No, see, it makes sense: she caused others pain, so he caused her pain. It’s like poetry… It rhymes...



I told her already conjouring a new blade.



Scarlet: [John Freeman] “Time for you to die, evil boss.”

Crazy56U: No, I’m not going to bring it up again, I legitimately think doing so will cause me to have a stroke...



"Oh no you don't." she said tackling me and hitting the lever that activates the device turning it off pistons, gears, and bloodstained blades stopped working at once. "No!"



JofY: “You bastard! Do you know how much you’ve damaged our profits by!?”

SC276: So let me get this straight: she tackled him into the machine’s off switch? Which he had never indicated he was standing near?

Crazy56U: Wait, are you still inside the building, I thought you were all outside?



she said quickly trying to reactivate the device only to feel a sharp pain in her side. "Gah!" she yelped as she fell to the floor helpless I raised my horn and brought it don on her neck in the form of an axe.



Scarlet: Hassan chop!

Crazy56U: Nice of Sabre to help Rainbow get ahead in life. I just gotta axe if that was necessary, given the headaches Rainbow’s gonna deal with now...



"I'm sorry old friend, but it had to be done." I said to her severed head blood pouring on the floor pegusi running around frantically trying to escape.



Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Alas, poor Rainbow… I knew her, Audience…”



"You would understand RD, but it seems my favors cannot be delivered sorry bout that." I said sending a bolt of energy into the device causing it to overload, and well you know. (BOOM)



Scarlet: Rainbow-colored mushroom cloud. Pretty…

JofY: Killing all the fillies nearby. Good job, Saber. Good job.

SC276: ~Yeah, I’ve done it before / and I can do it some more / I’ve got my eye on the score / I’m gonna cut to the core / It’s too late, it’s too soon / or is it? Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick BOOM~

Crazy56U: Boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon...



"AAAAHHHH!" Sabre screamed as he fell towards Twilights balloon waiting for the demise that never came



SC276: Much to our chagrin.

Crazy56U: Because gravity decided to stop working just to spite us.



as his friend Twilight Sparkle was already in action. She caught him with magic.



Scarlet: Celestial Sabre was caught! Would you like to give a nickname to your new Celestial Sabre?

Crazy56U: (typing) “Smeghead”



"Now what would you do without me I ask why you would be dead that's what." she said,



SC276: Just keep running running, and running running…

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I AM TWILIGHT SPARKLE! I AM THE ARBITER OF WHO SHALL LIVE OR DIE!”



but I didn't respond instead I ran to Scootaloo's side examining her wounds that weren't bound already.



SC276: So did anyone untie her any any point, or…?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Annnd… yep, she’s dead. Probably should’ve gotten here faster…”



"Mister Sabre you saved me I I I don't know what she would've done to me if you two wouldn't of come along I was so scared."



SC276: I’m pretty sure you saw the giant grinder and the color-drained corpses, so you know exactly what she would’ve done to you.

Crazy56U: ...did Scootaloo block out her torment, is that what’s being implied here?



Scootaloo said before passing out of exhaustion.



Scarlet: And you get an exhaustion, and you get an exhaustion and all of us get exhaustion!

SC276: Lord knows I’m feeling exhausted…

Crazy56U: Well, that and bloss loss...



When we arrived back at Ponyville we were greeted by all, and even a now spirit packed Sweetiebell and Applebloom who greeted their wounded friend with open arms.



SC276: They were so distraught over Scootaloo’s foalnapping that they got wasted?

Crazy56U: Well, to be fair, I’m pretty sure it was more because they were in this fic.



As for me Cheerilee couldn't have been happier to see us her mane was done, her face in a smile.



Scarlet: Cheerilee had time to look up her stylist while they were fighting in the clouds, I guess.

Crazy56U: After Sabre and Twilight left, she immediately stopped caring and went to the salon.



Then a pink pony with an even bigger smile showed up now that I think about it she seemed to have came out of the air in front of me I recognized her as Pinkie pie the pony that defies physics and breaks the so called fourth wall as she said once.



SC276: Well about time you showed up.

Scarlet: *clicks shotgun* Don’t you dare.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a sharp stick) Go away, Pinkie…

Topher: *starts boarding up the fourth wall*



But I saw a strange look in her eyes, and oddly she came over and asked this "Want to make cupcakes with me!" I shrugged and agreed. She smiled and trotted off.



Scarlet: Oh Christ. Is this going to be ‘Celestial Sabre fights everyone’s creepypasta form’? Are the next two fics going to be Cupcakes and The Experiments of Twilight Sparkle? Because I can actually get behind that.

SC276: Never heard of that last one. Would probably be less painful to read than this.

Crazy56U: Spoilers: No. It would in fact be the opposite of that.

CaptainPipsqueak: But do it anyway. G’wan.



That's all for this case I guess see you later.



Crazy56U: Don’t you mock us.



TheEnd



JofY: Well, that was short.

RingmasterJ5: And now, “The New Bearer”.

JofY: Fuck.

SC276: Right, the thing we actually voted for.

Crazy56U: (deadest of deadpans) Jooooooooooooy...



Catch up!



Scarlet: *pulls out beetle shaped device* Clock up! *vanishes*

Crazy56U: ...okay, bye.

Topher: Well, that happened.



"And we would all like to thank the towns new Protector for saving the town, and saving the fillies and colts from the factory!



Crazy56U: “It only took him 30 hours to do something that should’ve taken 20

minutes!”



It would be my honor to bestow the Element of Loyalty to Celestial Sabre for the time being until we find a more permanent holder."



Scarlet: *reappears* Clock Over! And yeah, the Princess totally gets to make that call and not the element itself. Worked great when they tried it with Spike in season two!

SC276: Congratulations, Celestial Sabre, you’re the new Rainbow Dash.

Crazy56U: Spike is going to fucking sue.

Topher: To be fair, Spike is a really good candidate for the Element of Loyalty.



said the mayor in the ceremony after the incident at "The Rainbow Factory" Princess Celestia said it would be a good idea to put guards in Ponyville in case something like that were to happen again.



Scarlet: A thing it’s kind of surprising she didn’t have going on to begin with. Not that the guard ever seems to be able to prevent anything in Canterlot, mind.

JofY: It’s not like there needs to be any guards at Cloudsdale, ya know, WHERE THE INCIDENT TOOK PLACE!

Crazy56U: Please, what are the chances of another Rainbow Factory being made there? Ponyville’s clearly the better option...



Well anyway I was appointed Protector or head guard of Ponyville,



JofY: Whichever one is more befitting the OCness.

SC276: Isn’t that a demotion from vice captain of the royal guard?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Yep, on top of being Protector and the new Rainbow Dash, I’m

also technically still the Narrator! I’m set for life…”



and temporary holder of the Element of Loyalty while they looked for a replacement. Because of this I was given armor with a small lightning imprint in the chest to hold the element.



Scarlet: I’m kind of hoping he turns into a Power Ranger if he inserts it.

Crazy56U: I’m kinda hoping he turns into an Iron Man knockoff…

JofY: [Saber] “Sailor powers! Activate!”



But I must say it was a beautiful day today the grass was green, the sky was blue and calm, and most importantly the happy crowds that now didn't have to fear that their foals would be taken again!



Scarlet: Flowers are blooming. Birds are singing. On- *spontaneously combusts and revives*

JofY: Sorry, but we’ve already done that joke ten times by now, and it’s gotten old.

SC276: It was a beautiful sunny day.

Crazy56U: The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.



Well about a week later



Crazy56U: YAY, pointless time skips.



I was staying in a grey pegasus mares home her name was Ditzy Doo she said.



Crazy56U: ...oh dear God, don’t tell me this is going where I think it is…

Topher: INCOMING ROMANCE! HIT THE DECK! *dives to the floor as klaxons sound around the riff… place*

Crazy56U: No… no, not that… I think this is going somewhere… else...



"So how's your stay been mister Sabre?" she asked I've been here a week she let me live here while barracks were being built and I helped around the house a bit cleaned weeded the garden you know those kinds of things.



Scarlet: Did the taxes, took out the trash, formed a lasting and permanent relationship, got married, raised a family, had a painful divorce, went back to sleeping on the couch. Those sorts of things.

SC276: Isn’t Cheerilee his sister or cousin or something? Why isn’t he staying with her? Is the author discarding his own continuity already?

Crazy56U: Nah, it turns out that Cheerilee actually low-key hates him.



"I'm just fine Miss.Doo thanks for asking." I responded while I cleaned the kitchen.



SC276: The “Miss” title doesn’t work that way.

Crazy56U: “Doo thanks for asking”? ...is Sabre drunk?



She paused and said.



Crazy56U: [Derpy] “You missed a spot.”



"Please don't call me Miss.Doo it brings back memory's I'd rather not think about."



Crazy56U: Oh dear God, it is going where I think it’s going...



she told me. I wasn't sure at the time what got her so upset at that I mean her little cottage was quite peaceful I've been up and peppy every moment here!



Scarlet: Didn’t need to know that!

SC276: Did she never tell you off for it before now? How did you talk to her then?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Ever since I discovered the wonders of cocaine, I’ve been happy nonstop!”



I wasn't going to probe her for information I mean it's her secret she doesn't have to tell me. Besides I was going to town that day, and that's when I'd meet one strange stallion.



Scarlet: And thus begins the tale of Celestial Sabre’s first romance.

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) Three… Two… One… (snaps fingers)



Wreeeooop wreeeeoooop wreeeeeoooop was the sound that came from a strange blue box that appeared right in front of me as I was leaving for town. "



JofY: *goes over to the corner and starts weeping*

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) (slams head into table)

Topher: WE HAVE A CROSSOVER, I REPEAT, WE HAVE A CONFIRMED CROSSOVER! FIC STATUS HAS REACHED DUMBCON 1! ABANDON STORY! *self-defenestrates*



Gah!" I yelped as I jumped backwards away from the box.



Scarlet: I’m honestly surprised we hadn’t already done one of these.

Crazy56U: ...same...



I looked up at the doorway of the house and saw Ditzy just standing there frozen up she dropped the tray of muffins she just got done baking, and dropped them on the paving stones in front of her house, and then she ran to the box.



Scarlet: And then she opened the box and took a sweater out of the box and put it on.

SC276: Oh god, it’s that box. Just what we needed. I appreciate “Slice of Life” even more now.

Crazy56U: No, not the muffins! THEY WERE TOO YOUNG!



You might say nothing else could supprise me more but the doors opened, Ditzy ran in, and I couldn't belive what I was seeing.



Crazy56U: (deadpan) It was bigger on the inside.



"It's bigger on the inside." I said.



JofY: *audible wink*

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Yay, we got that out of the way...



I couldn't belive it there was an entire worlds worth space inside the box were no pony could fit comfortably it was baffling.



Scarlet: It’s smaller on the outside.

SC276: It’s bigger than a breadbox.

Crazy56U: And then Sabre had an aneurysm over how baffling it all was. THE END



"I love it when they say that!" said a brown stallion with an hourglass Cutiemark. "Oh we're are my manners my name is The Doctor I'm a time traveler blah blah blah and while you were standing there just staring at the celing Ditzy here slapped me it hurts a lot, and now Miss.Doo let's see why the TARDIS brought me here shall we!" said The Doctor.



Scarlet: Gaaahhh. I’d shoot you but you’d just regenerate into Colin Baker.

SC276: Shoot the author instead! It’s all his fault!

Crazy56U: Fuck you Scarlet, Colin Baker did nothing wrong! Michael Grade is who needs to be shot! ...also Eric Saward.



"Whoa whoa whoa who exactly are you you mad pony?" I asked completely in shock from what I saw.



JofY: Okay, can we get a new fic, this one is damaged. It keeps stuttering.

Crazy56U: Okay, just because he’s the Doctor doesn’t mean he’s a mad doctor! Those

are not the same thing!



"I told you I'm The Doctor I'm a time traveler, and we don't have time for this you're the towns protector if I'm not mistaken right?" he said.



Scarlet: [Doctor] “Says so on your business card.”

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “I just came back from jumping ahead in the story, and after seeing what I saw, I just want to get this over with ASAP.”



"Yeah I am and how in Celestia did you know?" I questioned him. I needed answers I mean a box that houses a whole world inside it, and a pony I've never met before knowing me and what I do!



JofY: He can’t have possibly read the news which would have said that kind of information!

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I mean, he just said he’s a time traveler, clearly he made that

up!”



It's just plain creepy.



Scarlet: As opposed to the Rainbow Factory, which was downright normal.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I mean... Rainbow murdering ponies into rainbows, that I can handle. But ‘Doctor Who’? Fuck that noise!”



"I'm The Doctor I always know (gets hit in the ribs by Ditzy) ow!



JofY: That’s the type of writing that you use for actions? (stands up and starts drinking water) I mean, how lazy can you get to just put all your actions in parentheses?

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “Where do you get off being a smartass? This is why I stopped

hanging out with you!”



Okay she told me why you were dozing off." he said then under his breath he said "Didn't have to hit me."



Scarlet: What, Sabre fell asleep while the TARDIS was teleporting in? Huh?

SC276: I’m in a cranky mood from finals, and this is not helping in the bloody slightest.

Crazy56U: No, Derpy met up with the Doctor one night while Sabre was passed out in her cottage, duh.



Rubbing my eyes to get over what I'm seeing



Crazy56U: [Sabre] “For some reason, they were bleeding heavily…”



I said "Okay hey wait when I called you Miss.Doo you looked like you were going to yell at me if I said it again." I said.



Crazy56U: “Doo you looked like you were going to-”, seriously, is he drunk?



"Only The Doctor can call me that,



Crazy56U: [Derpy] “He copyrighted it, and I didn’t want you to get sued.”



and anyway don't we have a problem to solve?" said the Mare.



Scarlet: Who has apparently replaced Ditzy Doo.

Crazy56U: The Mare... ...is Derpy actually Mare-Do-Well? Because... that doesn’t sit well with me...



The Doctor looked over and said "Yes yes we do and so we shall! AVANTE!" he shouted and we took off.



Crazy56U: “Avante”? ...oh... ...oh sweet Jesus, you’re ripping off “Doctor Whooves

and Assistant”?!

JofY: Jury’s still out for which one is worse.

Crazy56U: Shush.



It was moments, and when we got out we were in the town square! "How?"



JofY: It’s like you walked or something!

Crazy56U: Because, Sabre. Because.



I asked baffled.



Scarlet: You couldn’t have walked that far? That’s like opening a stable wormhole between dimensions to skip a five-minute walk to the 7-11 for munchies!

Crazy56U: The Doctor likes showing off, it’s his thing.

Topher: And personally, I think that opening a wormhole is a convenient means of getting snacks. *reaches into a hole in the air, pulls out a handful of gummy bears*

Crazy56U: (steals some of Topher’s gummy bears)



"Time/Space travel it's how The Doctor and I used to get around before he ran off." said Ditzy with some hurt in her voice before The Doc showed up again.



Scarlet: Well, at least we’re keeping with the “Doctor is an unintentionally terrible person who hurts everyone he cares about” theme.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) One of my absolute favorite themes from “Doctor Who”...

JofY: Is it just me, or does she seem like she gets offended by everything?

SC276: Who does she think she is, us?



"Now if you're going to be my companion you need a key!" said The Doctor before giving "me" a key to the Tardis!



JofY: You get a key! You get a key! Everybody gets a key!

SC276: How long is this fic? Just kill me now...

Crazy56U: You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d assume the Author was poking

fun at that aspect of “Doctor Who”. But since the Author would need to be competent

to be intentionally doing that...



He had us take off into town before I could thank him.



Scarlet: Wait what and suddenly this is a Doctor Who episode and he’s just like fuck it, random guy, you’re my companion now. Isn’t it series law that you have to stop at least one alien menace together?

Crazy56U: Again, the Author needs to be competent to be doing shit like that.



As we walked through town I saw a few weird things such as two of one pony here and there, things flying by in the corner of my eye it was rather creepy.



Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I also saw a purple dinosaur being lit ablaze, it was weird.”



As we continued onwards we ran into a familiar purple unicorn my good pal Twilight Sparkle!



Scarlet: You’re not my buddy, pal.

SC276: You’re not my pal, compadre.

Crazy56U: Why do you think Twilight likes you, Sabre? Seriously, when you assume...



"Fancy meeting you here now isn't it." said Twilight it's only been a few weeks since "The Rainbow Factory" incident and it looked like she only slept yesterday of them.



Scarlet: ...so she looks fine.

JofY: It’s only the realization that one of her closest friends was committing GENOCIDE.

CaptainPipsqueak: Eh, it’s only genocide if she kills all of them. This is just plain ol’ mass-murder.

Crazy56U: She slept yesterday of a few weeks, that is literally what you just said.



"Just walking with Ditzy, and her friend umm TimeTurner that's all." I said obviously not convinced Twilight said.



Scarlet: Who said what with where which and why?

SC276: I’ve been asking that this entire fic. I swear the typesmanship is getting worse every second.

Crazy56U: Somehow the Author got worse at writing. I can’t believe I have to say this, but somehow the Author got worse at writing.



"Mind if I join you I've got nothing else to do anyway." she said I knew arguing would only make her want to come more so I agreed and the Doc said.



SC276: [Doctor] “Gheeze, take a breath once in a while.”

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “Excuse me, why does it seem like you did a line of cocaine?”



"Well the more the merrier. ADVANTE!" he shouted and we continued our journey not knowing we were being watched!



Scarlet: Shit! They’re onto us! *dives beneath the seats*

SC276: I am getting really fucking sick of all the fourth-wall breaches that have been going on.

Crazy56U: It’s the people behind “Doctor Whooves and Assistant”, they are livid that the Author is ripping them off.



Chapter 2



SC276: What, no chapter titles this time? Lazybones.

Crazy56U: The Author wanted to focus more on the intricate plo- nope, can’t even finish that sentence.



"So Doc you know what we're looking for because I don't want to be dragged out here for nothing you know." I told The Doctor I mean I don't want to be dragged out here for some petty argument,



JofY: “I want a real argument!”

Crazy56U: Big talk coming from the pony who took his sweet ass time trying to

find/save Scootaloo.



and I've delt with twelve of them since I became the towns protector.



Scarlet: And ironically, all of them were between Doctor Who fans.

SC276: Why couldn’t we hear about one of those instead of the dumb crossover?

Crazy56U: Wait, you don’t want to deal with a petty argument with the Doctor and you mentioned that you had twelve other ones in the past… I may be reaching here, but I think the Author is trying to be clever again...



"Nah it's big alright else the Tardis wouldn't of brought me here, and besides I get to travel with Derpy again!" he said.



"Doctor my name is Ditzy." said Ditzy "I don't like being called Derpy."



RingmasterJ5: I’m just going to shut everyone up right here because the last time this came up the resulting, unfunny argument was over half a page long.

CaptainPipsqueak: Let’s split the difference and call her ‘Dertzy’.

Crazy56U: (bites tongue in two) Deal.



"Oh well let's just continue on our merry way. He he he." giggled The Doctor. He really is full of energy I thought.



Scarlet: Not one of David Tennant’s better performances, is it?

Crazy56U: Eh, hell of a lot better than Tom Baker’s- yes I went there FIGHT ME IRL



"Yawn, well what exactly are we looking for Mr.The Doctor?" asked Twilight.



Crazy56U: ...no. ...j-just... ...just no.



"It's just The Doctor, and I'm not very sure..... ah well let's go on anyway!" said an ever peppy Doctor.



SC276: Anyone else tired of this already?

Crazy56U: Not really, it’s a distraction from the everything else about this...



Sometimes his always happy nature reminded me of Ditzy at times, and I'm not sure I still felt like something was watching me,



Scarlet: And you’ve got no privacy!

Crazy56U: It was Rainbow’s ghost, glaring at you from beyond the grave.



but it could be anything in this bright crowded market street. I saw Carrot Top at her stand selling her carrots, I saw Fluttershy walking around around in her usual manner, but no pony was looking at me or the group it was eerie.



Scarlet: “I’m an OC! I’m used to commanding attention constantly!”

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Let me guess they are changelings.



"So Doc do you feel that it's like we're being followed?" I told him he turned looked behind me, and his face went slack.



Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “Oh dear. The plot.”



"Run." he said.



Scarlet: Okay, now it feels like an episode of Doctor Who. With no budget. And Colin Baker.

Crazy56U: ...so, basically, a Sixth Doctor adventure.



"What!" said an annoyed Ditzy.



SC276: If you’re not used to it by now… Also, I would think the Doctor would inform them of the whole “run” thing before leaving the TARDIS.

Crazy56U: Derpy, you used to be his companion, do you honestly forget how this works?



"If you want to survive just RUN!" said The Doctor he turned and ran and we followed "Twilight were is your library!" asked The Doctor I filled him in on Twilight earlier.



Scarlet: Why would you need to? He’s a time traveler who hangs out around Ponyville all the damn time!

SC276: And why wouldn’t he know where a freakin’ unique tree was?

Crazy56U: Look, given how half the time the Doctor doesn’t wind up exactly where he wants to go, I’m pretty sure he’s not sure if he arrived before or after the library blew up.



"This way follow me!"



JofY: Quick! Run on these next sentences!

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Twilight, you’re running towards the train station-”

[Twilight Sparkle] “TRUST ME.”



she said as we had just left the market through an alley, and we're running towards the library it was so close now I could feel it! Then disaster struck an insect pony hybrid creature thing is all I can describe them as he swooped in and grabbed the exhausted Twilight good thing I'm a good shot or else we would've lost her.



Scarlet: Eh, this sounds less exciting and more like a normal Tuesday for Twilight. I’m pretty sure she’s developed an “Escape Greater Fauna” spell by now.

SC276: OK, uh, if this is going the way I think it’s bloody going, this author has both continuity and no continuity at the same time. And I will explode with rage.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Oh hey it is changelings my surprise knows no bounds.



I shot a jolt of magic and obliterated the creature



Crazy56U: HOLY FUCK you just disintegrated it!



and Twilight fell onto the road beneath her. I ran to her Doc and Ditzy in hoof when we got there we saw the damage. There was a gash in her leg, and then I saw the half built barracks armory spilled on the ground with a spear already bloodied.



JofY: Twilight is a military base!?

Scarlet: Apparently she’s one that’s spilled on the ground as well.

Crazy56U: No, Twilight exploded and fucked up the barracks.



Her red lifeblood



SC276: What is this, an animal-fantasy world? I mean, MLP is that already, but it’s not a cliché as fuck one.

Crazy56U: ...so, normal average run-of-the-mill blood, then?



was flowing out of the wound I just had to help her I hefted the wounded mare onto my back and ran into the library were we were greeted by a baby dragon he ushered us in, and closed the door!



Scarlet: OH MY GOD THE DOOR SHUTS!

JofY: HOLY SHIT! PANIC! PANIC!!!

Crazy56U: Hey now, Spike wasn’t raised in a barn, he knows that doors need to be

shut, calm down.



"Okay what was that!" said The Doctor "It looked like a mix between a pony and an insect of some sort fascinating!"



Crazy56U: How the fuck does the Doctor not know what a changeling is?



"It's called a Changeling I fought a few at the royal wedding in Canterlot they live off the love of ponies to put it frank.



JofY: I’d like to remind you, that Twilight once fought an army of them. And now apparently one severely injured her.

SC276: OK, so at least he knows that. Some rage subsided. But then why didn’t he say they were changelings in the narration? To keep us in some form of suspense that doesn’t work because the cover image is of a changeling army?

JofY: Even if he didn’t, the narration before makes it seem like it’s an unholy monstrosity never seen before. Going from unholy monster down to random mook gives a ton of disappointment.

Crazy56U: ...correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure the Doctor was in Canterlot

during the invasion. ...which brings me back to my question: how the fuck does the

Doctor not know what a changeling is?!



Now can we get those bandages!" I said.



"Right here!" said the dragon as he ran to us with a box of medical supplies. "Let's see bandages, peroxide, needle, stitches, and painkillers we've got exactly what we need."



JofY: Let’s begin the operation!

SC276: Dude, it’s just a cut. Maybe a particularly deep one, but still a cut.

Crazy56U: You know what, you’re right, best get a more appropriate tool… (pulls out a staple gun)



said the dragon I turned to Twilight and told her everything would be fine, and started dressing the wound using my magic. Careful not to use the element in my armor's power because that would cause a flux in power,



Scarlet: Reverse the polarity of the warp drive!

JofY: But we need to use photon reversal first!

Crazy56U: Wait, is his armor actually a flux capacitor? Can he travel through time

while wearing it? ...that’s too awesome for him to have!



and it would send the needle flying through her leg and that would hurt... a lot.



SC276: Why would that be a concern? Do you not have full control of it or something?

Crazy56U: Well there is a very likely possibility that I’m right and he’s actually drunk right now...



A few hours later I put her in her bed and returned to the Doctor, and Ditzy.



Scarlet: A moment of silence for Twilight’s dignity.

Crazy56U: ...God, this is great, eh?



"So Mister Sabre how is she?" asked The Doctor I breathed in and said.



Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “Well… it is a small cut, so, my prognosis? ...she won’t live

through the night.”

[Sabre] “(GASP!)”

[The Doctor] “Oh, stop, I’m pulling your leg. I’m not that kind of doctor, ya

dingus.”



"She's fine, but we should let her rest and then we'll let her test out her leg my sonic can only heal small wounds not huge gashes such as that!" exclaimed The Doctor.



SC276: Uh, who’s talking again? Did we miss a paragraph?

Crazy56U: ...uh… (ahem) Author? The sonic screwdriver can’t heal people, YA DINGUS!



"You are worthless!" Yelled the Changeling Queen at her drones



JofY: [Saber] “Hey! Would you keep it down? We’re trying to have a scene here.”

[Chrysalis] “Oh, sorry about that.”

SC276: AND NOW SUDDENLY THESE ASSHOLES.

Crazy56U: Glad to know that the Author still thinks properly establishing scene

transitions is nothing more than a fucking myth.



"I just asked you to bring the girl to me how hard can that be!"



JofY: “She’s only proficient in like every single form of magic, and has wiped the floor with you before! How hard could it be!?”

Scarlet: You know, you throw in Doctor Who and then of all the villains you pick the closest things Equestria has to the freaking grunts from Shocker.

SC276: Why did they go after that Twilight, that came with the Doctor, and not the Twilight when they are now? Come to think of it, they were being watched before time-travelling there, so now changelings apparently exist across time? This plot officially makes no sense.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Seriously! ‘Bring us the girl and wipe away the debt!’ It is not

that hard to remember!”



she looked at her army and her horn flared to life, and she obliterated a small group of changelings



Crazy56U: And thus more dead changelings are added to the pile!



and said "Whatever the reason I will have her now we march!"



JofY: [Changeling Mook] “But it’s Apri-*explodes*”

Crazy56U: Okay, have some tunes to go along with it.



she shouted and she, and her army flew out of the cave and advanced on Ponyville.



SC276: Well that escalated quickly.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “My drones failed to get a certain pony! LET’S LAY WASTE TO HER TOWN!”



Chapter 3 We Meet A New Friend!



Scarlet: Wooohoooooo.

Crazy56U: (screams in fear)



"How's your leg doing?" I asked Twilight as we walked around town with The Doctor, and Ditzy we decided it was safer to travel in a group in case another changeling swooped in.



Scarlet: Oh, I guess we’re just going back to casually strolling around town now. Eh, I’m sure the massive Changeling invasion likely underway is of no consequence

SC276: Pretty sure her leg’s doing alright if she’s walking on it.

Crazy56U: Yes, because that way the changeling can attack all of you at once instead of one at a time!



"It's doing just fine." she said



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I mean, it’s not like we had to amputate it, calm down.”



we continued talking as we walked through town. It was noon now and we were heading to Applejack's stand to get something to eat, and then I saw something on the stand it was a sign that said "all cider 20% off."



Scarlet: The most significant thing you could be thinking about at this moment!

Crazy56U: Only 20%?! What a ripoff, the cider stand three blocks over is selling it at 25% off!



I told them what I saw and said "We can't let an opportunity like this go to waste now can we?



Scarlet: No, really, you can. You can walk the other way, ignore the sale given that you can probably just hang out with her and bum some for free later, and concentrate on FINDING THE ARMY OF DEATH BUG INFILTRATORS.

SC276: Maybe if it was 30%, I might consider that.

Crazy56U: Ah, there’s the Sabre I know best. “Something bad is happening! Let’s take our sweet ass time!”



"I suppose we can't" said Ditzy as she ran towards the stand. She reached into her saddle bags and brought out a few bits, and came back with a few mugs of cider we accepted them and drank for once today in peace.



Scarlet: I’m kind of praying Suika just rolls in from across the canon divide and turns the rest of the fic into a boozefest.

Crazy56U: Little did they know that the cider was poisoned!



We discussed the events that transpired that day leading to the attempted kidnapping.



SC276: Now that they’re apparently drunk outta their gourds.

Crazy56U: Applejack is using a special cider recipe.



"I wonder why the changeling wanted me so badly?" said Twilight in more of a question than a statement.



Scarlet: Ostensibly leader of the Elements of Harmony crew even before your ascension, later princess of Friendship, the one mare who saw through Chrysalis’s first attempt, someone Chrysalis would have a serious grudge against I don’t know you tell me!

JofY: Is it so that Twilight can bake cookies?

Scarlet: I’m revoking your speaking privileges on the next line.

JofY: *writes down ‘That doesn’t mean I still can’t act!’*

Crazy56U: (punches Scarlet in the head) Don’t be rude, jerk!



"I have no idea." me and The Doctor said in unison. He looked at me and just raised an eyebrow and said "Well while I don't know there might be a pony who might.



Scarlet: You know, I think calling him Colin Baker might’ve been giving this Doctor a bit too much credit. So far he’s been worse than useless.

Crazy56U: Would please fucking lay off Colin Baker, already?! Christ!

SC276: The fic’s been worse than useless.



Now my companions to Canterlot ADVANTE.



JofY: As opposed to the Equestrian Canterlot.

Crazy56U: Stop trying to be “Doctor Whooves and Assistant”, you will never be

“Doctor Whooves and Assistant”!



The Doctor called his TARDIS



Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “YOO HOO, TARDIS!”



and we stepped inside. "I think it's do time I introduce you to a friend of mine she's been with me for two or three days now.



SC276: [The Doctor] “Who I felt no need to mention the presence of the first time you two were in here.”

Crazy56U: ...Bon Bon?



Lyra



Crazy56U: Damn it, so close...



we are going on an adventure!" yelled The Doctor as a teal unicorn walked into the room with a small notebook.



Scarlet: Jesus, man, do you just collect companions like Pokemon? Do you give them all terrible nicknames too?

Crazy56U: ...Lyra is her actual name, not a nickname...



"Ooh more companions how much fun!" said the pony I was lead to belive was Lyra.



Crazy56U: Okay, I honestly can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic or not...



She looked rather restless always running around I was supprised I didn't see her earlier.



Scarlet: Our hero- legally blind guy.

SC276: She’s a changeling, isn’t she. Calling it now. *throws chips in the pot*

Crazy56U: ...eh, why not, I’m in. (throws a $5 in the pot)



"Any way I was in the library recording some things about these humans you told me about the books you showed me absolutely fascinate me!"



JofY: Que mating ritual joke.

Crazy56U: [Lyra] “Well, most of them, anyway. I don’t know where you got this one

book, but it has nothing to do with the color grey; it’s just poorly written sex!”



said Lyra explaining why we didn't see her when The a Doctor first arrived.



Scarlet: No that explains nothing! You just ran back there!

SC276: I know some iterations of the Doctor are known for being a bit scatterbrained, but I’m pretty sure he would’ve mentioned she was there before regardless.

Crazy56U: Or, failing that, Lyra broke in while the others weren’t paying attention.



"Well I sure hope they did. Anyway were off to Canterlot! ADVANTE!" shouted The Doctor.



"Why does he always say ADVANTE?" I asked.



Scarlet: Because he hates us.

Crazy56U: Because the Author desperately wants this to be “Doctor Whooves and Assistant”, obviously.



"It's his catch phrase." said Ditzy. "He's kind of obsessed with them."



SC276: Mine is “Aaaaaaand I’ve stopped caring.”

Crazy56U: I… don’t think I have one, actually… ...gotta fix that someday...



"Did you travel with him before Ditzy?" asked Twilight Ditzy



Crazy56U: ...so, is Twilight talking to herself?



responded with a nod, and she walked us up to the console.



Scarlet: Brokenhearted Former Companion Count- 1. If we don’t make at least four by the end of this story, I’ll be disappointed.

JofY: Shouldn’t Scootaloo be added then?

Crazy56U: Factoring in regenerations, shouldn’t the Doctor also count as a companion? If so, that number should be bumped up to… 12, providing this Doctor is supposed to be 10 and that that War Doctor business also happened here...



"This is the TARDIS's console I personally have no idea how it works so I'm not sure how he does it." said Ditzy.



Crazy56U: At this point, I’m pretty sure the Doctor just guesses and hits random

buttons until the TARDIS does a thing...



I was baffled my self.



SC276: Stop talking to yourself.

Crazy56U: What is it with everyone talking to themselves here?



Not only the bigger on the inside part, but the fact after The Doctor hit a couple of buttons and flipped a lever he opened the door and we were in Canterlot!



Scarlet: Yeah, you needed the TARDIS for that. Not like there’s a train that runs between Ponyville and Canterlot. Or that you can fly there if you have wings. Or y’know, via Twilight’s balloon.

JofY: Or however you got there.

Crazy56U: Keep in mind, it’s also a time machine. You can take as long as you want

when you are using a time machine.



Chapter 4 Our Own Little Army!



Scarlet: Playsets now on sale from reliable Hasbro bootleggers everywhere!

Crazy56U: An army? ...nah, I don’t see that. I mean, you guys got soul, but your aren’t soldiers...



"So how did The Doctor drag you into this Lyra?" asked Ditzy Doo trying to make small talk while The Doctor went to find the pony that could help us.



JofY: [Lyra] “With ten pounds of steel and six tranquilizers.”

SC276: [Lyra] “Math was involved.”

Crazy56U: [Lyra] “He left the door open to the TARDIS and I just let myself in!”





"Oh I wanted to come along so badly after you told me he used to be human as you know I'm obsessed with them!" said Lyra.



Scarlet: Wait no stop. You’re saying this is supposed to actually be the same character from the series? I… wha?

SC276: I think both radio series use this take. I can accept it there because they can fucking write.

Crazy56U: ...because, of course he is. In fan works, nine times out of ten, pony!The Doctor turns out to be The Doctor as a pony. Because fuck it, why not...



"Well hi there every pony my name is Ruby Spark,



JofY: Hi, AHHHHH!!! WHEN DID YOU GET HERE!?

Crazy56U: [Ruby Spark] “I’m the Narrator now! SUCK IT!”



I own the small jewelry store over there down the street, and if you all were interested could you buy a few I've not had the best of luck here lately and could use the sales." said the red unicorn her mane was a pinkish tint though. Her Cutiemark was an ruby necklace.



Scarlet: Hi Ruby, nobody cares, let’s move on now!

SC276: Your business might do better if you split your run-on sentences up.

Crazy56U: [Ruby] “I have this thing called a Sparkling Star Necklace, I could sell you it for, like, five bits?”



"I suppose it couldn't hurt to get some souvenirs!" said Twilight.



SC276: Yeah, you got attacked by a changeling and I don’t even remember why you’re here already, there’s always time for shopping.

Crazy56U: Twilight’s taking a page out of Sabre’s book right now...



"Thank you all!" said a smiling Ruby Spark who trotted away towards her shop.



"Nice lady hope everything works out." said Ditzy.



Scarlet: I don’t. *harrumphs*

Crazy56U: HAH.



"As do I." I said it would be ever so sad if she lost her job wonder if she had a family to care for?



SC276: Ya two just freakin’ jinxed it, guess whose shop is going to blow up when the changelings attack?

Crazy56U: Wrong, what actually happens is that she spontaneously combusts five minutes later.



My thoughts were cut short when The Doctor arrived with a smile on his face he opened his mouth and said



Scarlet: [Doctor] “Bad news. The ratings for ‘Trial of a Time Lord’ are in.”

JofY: [Doctor] “Does this mole look cancerous?”

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “I just found out how this story ends, and I feel dead inside.”



"All right I've found our friend, and he's agreed to assist us in any way he can!" said The Doctor who was interrupted by Twilight who asked.



"Does he know why the changeling tried to kidnap me?" asked Twilight Sparkle.



"That he does now if you my purple friend want to know your self come with me!" said The Doctor, and Twilight, Lyra, Ditzy, and I got up and followed The Doctor.



Scarlet: I know it’s bad when I find myself craving the Daleks.

SC276: Or the Cybermen in a pinch.

Crazy56U: Or Steven Moffat. Dear God, I want Steven Moffat...



"Welcome back Doctor." said a hooded pony this was our so called help she sounded like a mare but you couldn't always be sure. "Oh how rude I really should take this hood off." she said as the hood dropped revealing a blue unicorn with an hourglass cutiemark.



JofY: gasp.

Scarlet: “A Stallion for the Time Being” has really weird side-stories, apparently.

Crazy56U: And we got “Minuette is a Time Lord” check off as well!



"Well Colgate my friend Twilight wants to know why the changelings want her so badly." said The Doctor.



"Well I should suppose so now sit down I'll get us some coffee." said Colgate walking off to the kitchen.



Scarlet: Terrible fics that Season Five killed- +1.

SC276: I miss canon.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a cannon) All I have is this, that good enough?



"Do you think we can trust her Doc?" I asked.



"Absolutely I've known her almost as long as Derpy!" said The Doctor.



"My name is Ditzy not Derpy." said Ditzy



Scarlet: [Silver-Quill] “I shall call her ‘the muffin mare’.”

Crazy56U: Guys, stop, you’re going to make RingmasterJ5 mad…



"Oh whatever." said The Doctor.



JofY: *laughing* Everyone in this fic is a heartless jerk!

Scarlet: To be fair, back when this guy was Colin Baker his first act was to attempt to strangle his companion. This is restrained by comparison.

SC276: Yes, this running gag where the Doctor can’t be considerate for two minutes is fucking hilarious.

Crazy56U: Again, providing this Doctor is supposed to be 10, friendly reminder that he willingly wiped Donna Noble’s memory without her consent to save her life and then spin-doctored it into that being the only way to save her. And that’s not even getting into his Time Lord Victorious stunt...



In the kitchen



SC276: Git in the kitchen woman and make me a sammich. *slaps self* Whoa. Offended myself with that one.

Crazy56U: Oh, hey Dinah!



Colgate was humming to herself as the coffee machine was whirring along,



SC276: I’m at the state of mind where I don’t remember if Equestria had modern technology in the previous fic and I don’t freakin’ care.

Crazy56U: Bleugh! Coffee?!



but she didn't see the small creature in her closet until it was to late.



JofY: A cat!

Crazy56U: It’s Rainbow, she’s come back from the dead for revenge!



The changeling attacked, but he didn't anticipate the unicorns magical ability.



Scarlet: Apparently changelings aren’t exactly big in the brains department.

Crazy56U: I know, right, just look at Chrysalis...



Colgate slowed down time stepped out of the way bucked the creature in the face, and jumped into the door behind her into her living room.



JofY: But she didn’t shout ZA WARUDO beforehand.

Scarlet: I’d have settled for “Clock Up”.

SC276: I don’t are you even. I don’t care if she knows the Doctor, she’s a normal civilian, and she literally didn’t see it until it was too late, which means she doesn’t have time to freakin’ dodge no matter how much she slows time down.

Crazy56U: Uh, I’m pretty sure Colgate is supposed to be a Time Lord, and one Ninth Doctor episode had him do some kind of slow-mo stunt in order to walk past a huge spinning fan, so…

SC276: Yeah, but he was aware the fan was there longer than a second before attempting to cross!

Crazy56U: ...touche.



The Living Room



"Little help here!" said Colgate, I answered by lighting my horn,



JofY: And then ran away screaming because his horn was on fire.

Crazy56U: Why?! You just kicked its ass!



and created a baseball bat smacked the changeling, and then stabbed it with a magic knife.



Scarlet: How to keep potential sources of information alive! Step one- don’t do this.

SC276: So what was the shot he blew up the changeling back in Ponyville with, a magic bullet?

Crazy56U: (rubs temples) Please never bring up bullets in relation to Sabre again, just… just don’t...



"I think we need answers now!



JofY: “Why is your apartment made out of padding!? Tell me!”

SC276: Well you just blew them up. Twice. In front of the Doctor. Don’t know if that changes anything, but it should!

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Let’s just ask the dead changeling for information, that should be fun!”



Chapter 5 We Get Bad News (Warning short chapter)



SC276: Compared to what, exactly? The rest of your chapters? Can I blink and miss this one?

Crazy56U: ...I take it that the “Warning” thing wasn’t the bad news?



"Your meaning to tell me that I have enough power to "destroy" Equestria, and that's why the changelings want me." said Twilight after Colgate told her the news.



Scarlet: I mean it’s not a bad reason, but… *refers to earlier list*

Crazy56U: Okay, I’m almost 100% sure the author cribbed that wholesale from the comics...



"I'm afraid so my dear Twilight Sparkle." said Colgate. "The Changeling army won't stop until your dead."



JofY: Because killing Twilight will give them control of Twilight.

Scarlet: What, you didn’t know that Chrysalis is a twentieth-level necromancer?

Crazy56U: ...I’d pay top dollar to read that story...

SC276: What about her dead? Bring it out?



I stood up and said "Not if I can help it and I'll show you how.' I used a little trick I learned and sent a pulse of magic from the element into my horn creating a rainbow colored blade.



JofY: “Gay.” “SHUT UP! *runs away crying*”

Scarlet: *reflexive punch* ...actually you didn’t deserve that one. Sorry.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, in doing so, he accidentally decapitated Twilight. THE END



"My that is impressive but not compared to an army of hundreds of changelings not so much." said Colgate.



SC276: Especially when he’s only even taken twenty on at once before losing.

Crazy56U: And even then, I’m pretty sure he didn’t bother even putting up a fight...



Frowning I stopped the flow of magic, and asked "How can you help us."



Scarlet: Was he asleep when Colgate went full Dio Brando a few minutes ago?

JofY: How could that possibly be useful?

Crazy56U: ...please tell me that was sarcasm...



"Why you have the answer right next to you in the form of a purple pony." said Colgate I heard a nock at the door and exused myself. I opened the door to reveal Applejack. She was panting like a dog



Crazy56U: Oh, great, another Apple is acting like a dog. (shakes fist into the air)

DAMN IT DISCORD!



I ushered her in when she said.



Scarlet: “Do you come from a land down under? Where women glow and men thunder?”

SC276: What is she doing here? Did she run all the way to Canterlot from Ponyville?

Crazy56U: Well… that makes the most sense, actually...



"Ah need to see Twilight."



JofY: [Applejack] “Thank Celestia I put that GPS in her, or else I wouldn’t know where to look!”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Pinkie got her head caught in the gutter again, we need her

help!”



I pointed to the living room and she ran in, and told Twilight "Changelings are attacking Ponyville we need ya now!" she said before seeing the bandages on Twilights flank. "Oh my."



Scarlet: Wait, nobody saw Twilight get attacked before? That happened in broad daylight!

SC276: Why are they attacking Ponyville?! They sent a changeling into Colgate’s pantry or something! They know she’s here!

JofY: ...how did they know that Twilight would be there?

Crazy56U: Applejack, that’s not where Twilight’s face is.



"She's in no condition to fight and as the towns protector I can't let her get hurt further I'll accompany you." I said she nodded I told Lyra to watch Twilight, and Ditzy, and The Doctor to follow me.



JofY: “Lyra! I want you to watch Twilight, Ditzy, and The Doctor… ditching you! Bye! *runs away*”

Scarlet: I think that’s how a good chunk of his companions end up getting off the crazy train these days.

Crazy56U: [Lyra] “Wait, I want to come along too-”

[Sabre] “That’s nice, bye! (slams door shut)”



We ran through the town so fast we didn't notice a certain red unicorn following us. We got in the TARDIS and took off for Ponyville.



Scarlet: Red unicorn… what, Commander Firebrand’s in this? Actually after the Ken Ashcorp cameo last time I probably shouldn’t be too shocked.

SC276: Of course there’s a human- I mean pony that made a deal with the aliens- I mean changelings that’s going to die by the end of the climax.

Crazy56U: ... ... ...who?



When we arrived the town was in chaos changelings left and right destroying buildings, and feeding off pony's at random.



SC276: Considering they eat love, mid-attack seems like a terrible time to feed.

JofY: Why would they bother attacking in the first place, if you think about it. After all, it’d be easier feeding off of others when the others, don’t even know that you exist.

Crazy56U: Actually, the plan was feed first, attack later, but they got a little too

anxious to do the second step...



I lit my horn and killed a few before running to the battle friends at my tail.



SC276: Celestial Sabre Battle Friends, now available at cheap toy aisles everywhere!

Crazy56U: Too good for them, if you ask me. They should only be sold in the back alley behind the IHOP.



This would be a battle no pony could forget.



JofY: Spike got amnesia after this was over.

Scarlet: He’s the lucky one.

Crazy56U: (falls asleep)



Chapter 6 The Battle



SC276: Wait, you call that a short chapter? That was about as long as the rest of them!



The town was in chaos if I didn't know any better I'd say Discord was behind this.



Scarlet: *holds up a changeling, shakes head, tosses it over shoulder* I can’t even right now.

Crazy56U: (is hit by the changeling; wakes up) OW.

SC276: No, if it was Discord, we’d actually be laughing.



Alas that was not true, but I still had a job to do no time to sit there and think on petty things. I lit my horn and charged into the fray. I killed a few before getting blindsided "Oh not again! "



JofY: [Saber] “Argh! I’ve been hit!”

[Doctor] “That’s not how one reacts to being blindsided…”

[Saber] “No. No. You must continue on without me.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Damn it, why must I constantly suck at life?!”



I said. It's just like the first time I was doing good then I get busted up. Anyway when the changeling was about to finish me off Ruby Spark sent a bolt of magic at the creature knocking it off me. "Thank you ." I said.



Scarlet: I see that the Fellowship of the Dork continues to recruit.

SC276: What is she even doing here? She’s supposed to be in Canterlot! If the distance between the two was that short, why’d they have to take the teleporting box between the two towns?!

Crazy56U: ...was the Ruby in Canterlot actually the changeling that attacked Colgate?



"No worries just be careful next time I may not be able to help you next time."



JofY: After all, no one can save you from the inescapable redundancy, after all.

SC276: You’t think he’d stop sucking at fighting changelings at some point.

Crazy56U: [Ruby] “After all, I have to die soon.”



she said I nodded got up, and ran back into the fight.



We all met back up at the town hall. Ditzy had green blood on her muzzle, mane, and hooves. The Doctor none at all, same for Ruby.



Scarlet: What, the muffin mare ate changelings alive? What the hell is that implying?

Crazy56U: No, it’s implying that Derpy got way too into fighting changelings...



"Well that could've gone better." said Ditzy wiping a bit of blood out of her mane.



"Aye I got hit pretty hard back there." I said showing my bruised ribs, black eye, and the gash along my muzzle.



Scarlet: God, these changelings suck. They get in a visceral attack and that’s all they manage to do? They must get laughed out of PvP.

Crazy56U: He also had a collapsed lung and massive internal bleeding, but eh, not worth mentioning...



"Hey y'all!" said Applejack running to us from town. She herself had some obvious wounds.



SC276: How do people keep jumping between the two cities without a TARDIS so easily?!

JofY: Well, they can walk, run, drive, take public transport, fly… Oh! You mean in a timely manner? No fucking clue.

Crazy56U: In fact, the wounds were so obvious, they weren’t worth mentioning...



"So who's yer friend there?" she asked.



"AJ this is Ruby Spark I think she followed us from Canterlot.



Scarlet: “And I don’t know how to get rid of her!”

Crazy56U: Stalking is a crime, Ruby! Stop that!



"Now why in tarnation would she do that?" Asked Applejack.



JofY: I’d ask how since at least our ragtag used a teleporter.

Crazy56U: ...because plot?



"Because in the attack on Canterlot one of these things got my husband! I am not letting them hurt my little girl to!" she said. "She was visiting town to see a friend, and when I heard the news I had to help." explained Ruby.



Scarlet: Hurt your little girl to what?

SC276: It honestly took me a moment to think she was referring to the canon episode, because it wouldn’t surprise me for this fic to have an attack on Canterlot and not mention it.

Crazy56U: Ah. So... (nods) because plot.



"So the target is still in Canterlot yes?" asked Crysilis.



JofY: [Saber] “Again!? Seriously!? You’re interrupting us again!?”

Crazy56U: I guess the spell checker was up and taking a shit when the Author

misspelled “Chrysalis”...



A minor changeling nodded. She kept a calm demeanor and told him to return to battle. Sadly as he flew away The Queen shot him down.



JofY: You ain’t helping your troops morale any.

Crazy56U: Damn it, what is it with this story having changelings die left and right?!



"Disappointment."



SC276: Speak for yourself, lady.

Crazy56U: “Sadness.”



"Oh my Celestia what's happening!" said a purple unicorn.



JofY: I don’t know! *floating upside down* I’m lost in the fic again!

Crazy56U: Instantaneous scene transitions, Random Pony.



"Sparkler you're so clueless the changelings are attacking the town." said a younger pegasus by the name of Lightning Smash. After hearing the word changeling she blacked out.



Scarlet: She couldn’t handle the meta!

Crazy56U: Little did the Narrator know that Sparkler actually passed out due to sleep deprivation.



"Okay this is a threat to big for us alone to handle we need an army!" I said



JofY: So are we back to Saber?

SC276: In the first fic’s original text, bigger paragraph breaks were used to designate scene changes. Let this be a lesson to all writers: have your scene breaks survive text inserted into them.

JofY: To be fair, not every single writer knows what riffing is, and it’s a simple easy way to signify a change. On the other hand, unless you are using notepad, each writing system has their own way to place breaks. USE THEM!

Crazy56U: An army? No. What you need is a tank.



"Else we be over run." we were hiding in the TARDIS thinking our next cause of action.



JofY: Our heros! Bravely fleeing.

SC276: ~Brave Sir Sabre ran away...~

Crazy56U: W-wait, if you guys are in the TARDIS, why not just go back in time before the invasion and prevent it! And don’t go and tell me that that will cause a paradox, “The Cutie Remark” proved that time travel paradoxes are a myth!



"We've got two elements honesty, and loyalty that should help right?" said Ditzy.



Scarlet: Well given that on their own all the Elements have ever seemed to do is make excellent paperweights, I’m gonna say… you’ll be fine.

Crazy56U: Well, you would’ve had three had you not left Twilight back in Canterlot! GG GUYS!



"Fraid not I seem to be the only one able to harness its magic and power myself up without the other five elements. It might be impossible without the rest."



Scarlet: “I can do this because TIME AND SPACE BEND TO MY WHIMS or something.”

SC276: That’s Twilight, right? Could be Applejack for all I know.

Crazy56U: Unnamed Pony is right, they’re boned.



"Then let's get them." said Ruby Spark.



"We can't Pinkies out of town, Fluttershy is in Cloudsdale cleaning up the debri from the factory, and Rairity is in Trottingham for at least two more days." I explained.



Scarlet: Yes, brilliant plan- have Fluttershy clean up all the corpses of children. I’m sure that will induce no lasting trauma!

Crazy56U: Why is Pinkie simply “out of town”? Is she actually going on a massive drug binge in Pony-Bangkok?



"Well that's not good." said The Doctor "I would get them, but something is keeping the TARDIS in place I can't leave."



JofY: Have you checked the brakes?

SC276: It’s being held down by the power of terrible plot.

Crazy56U: The Doctor is too ashamed to admit that the real cause of the problem is that he accidentally poured soda into the console while the others weren't looking.



"Well horse feathers." said Ditzy "Well I'll be taking a shower if you need me just nock, but don't just barge in." she said glaring at The Doctor.



Scarlet: ...okay then. Well that took a right turn into fuckedupsville.

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “Whelp, we’re fucked, I’m gonna go clean the dead changeling smell off of me. Don’t wait up!”



"What I didn't do anything." he said defensevly.



Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “NOIDIDNTSPILLSODAONTHECONSOLEAGAINSHUTUP”

[Derpy] “(unconvinced) Uh huh. Sure…”



She rolled her eyes and trotted off.



Meanwhile a certain unicorn was making her way to town with two friends their names Colgate, Lyra, and Twilight Sparkle!



Scarlet: And together they were the Super Unicorn Team: Uniranger!

SC276: That kind of presentation is 1) stupid, and 2) ruined by your own inability to punctuate.

Crazy56U: They were making their way downtown, walking fast, faces past and they’re homebound.



"I feel her coming."



JofY: ...ew.

Crazy56U: Oh Lord, stop that, YOU’RE IN PUBLIC!



said The Changeling Queen laughing a laugh you'd here a mad scientist uses. "Soon my plans will come to realization! I will have my revenge."



About an hour later.



JofY: [Changeling Mook] “...”

[Chrysalis] “...”

[Changeling Mook] “...”

[Chrysalis] “...”

[Changeling Mook] “...so- *explodes*”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “(has fallen asleep) ZZZZZZZZZZ”



"Alright I'm ready to go!" said Ditzy.



JofY: She takes long in the shower!

Crazy56U: Well, she was practically caked in changeling gore...



"Then let's get to it." I was bandaged up, and The Doctor helped heal some wounds.



SC276: She said she’d be showering if they needed her! That’s a fucking OK to go! Twilight’s probably dead by now!

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “(jabbing a wound with the sonic screwdriver) C’mon… C’mon… ...oh, COME ON, this worked last time!”



His TARDIS is a miracle worker! My ribs weren't bruised now and I was ready to kick some changeling flank!



JofY: Now I’m not.

SC276: [Sabre] “Well, another twenty of them!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “All I did was sit on the floor and stare into space for an hour, and suddenly my injuries were gone!”



"Alright let's do this!" I yelled lighting my horn to create a long sword. As on que a horde of the buggers swarmed down the street!



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Alright, my children. No fancy infiltration tactics, no attempt to paralyze the guard by seizing the mind of their commander, and no love-buffs. We’re just going to charge them head-on in faceless waves so we can be dispatched. Ready?”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “OUTDATED MEME!”



I hacked up a few, Ditzy was kicking them till they stopped moving, Doc was tricking them into flying into a field he set up around the TARDIS,



SC276: Guess he finally found the bug-zapper feature.

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “AHA! I knew that I’d get the shields up if I simply punched the console a bunch!”



AJ was helping Ditzy, and Ruby went to find her daughter.



Scarlet: Bye, Ruby! I hope nothing bad happens to you! *crosses fingers*

JofY: Bye expendable!

Crazy56U: (is ordering a tombstone over the phone) Uh huh... Now, for the cost of the epitaph, is that per word or per letter? ...ah. I see... ...just leave it blank, nobody’s gonna care.



Of course since we were doing so well disaster had to strike! We heard Ruby scream. Applejack said she had things covered, and so I ran to Rubys aid.



Scarlet: Huh. That actually worked.

SC276: What’s the point of her again?

Crazy56U: Oh, hey, looks like I made that order just in time!



Chapter 7 The Cavalry Arives!



Scarlet: Tragically, without their spellchecker.

Crazy56U: A little too late, if you ask me...



I was running through the barren alleyways looking left and right for Ruby Spark. She was no were to be seen until I spotted a red puddle flowing down the street. "Blood!"



JofY: “Hope this isn’t Ruby’s blood.”

Crazy56U: As opposed to, what, Kool Aid?



I said. I sped up I had to find her. I turned a corner and saw Ruby Spark rolling away the body of....... Herself! "What how why?" I said trying to wrap my mind around it.



Scarlet: “How can this be? We were only under attack by changelings and oh god wow I’m an idiot.”

Crazy56U: Whelp, Ruby killed herself, that’s… a thing that happened.



"Just moping up." she said with a green glint in her eyes. Wait green glint! I lit my horn and blasted her away the imposter wailed "NOOOOOOOO!"



"Oh my Celestia that hurts!" said Ruby Spark she had a hole in her side! I ran to her side and said.



Scarlet: Do you come from a land down under? Where women grow and men chunder?

SC276: ~Son, I’ve made a life / out of reading people’s faces...~

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “OH CRAP, I can see your guts, holy crap!”



"No this can't be happening! It can't be no no no!" I was freaking out I didn't want to loose another friend not like this.



Crazy56U: Oh, please, her death was telegraphed eons ago! Besides, it’s not like

there’s gonna be a more pointless death, right?



"It's okay I've lived my life, made friends, and own my own store. If only I could be there for my dear Sparkler!



JofY: If only I was able to give my entire life’s story in these moments!

Crazy56U: [Ruby] “I mean, it kinda blows that I’m dying, but eh, it could be worse…”



Promise me you will find her and protect her!" she told me.



Scarlet: Oh great. I smell a sequel.

SC276: Judging from how much story’s left… that is exactly what’s going to happen. Fuck.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I have no idea who she looks like, how will I-”

[Ruby] “PROMISE ME!”

[Sabre] “FUCK, SHIT, OKAY!”



"I will!" I said she sighed, and closed her eyes for the last time. I arose and ran I was going to save that child!



Back at the TARDIS



JofY: Oh, so now you want to use transitions.

Crazy56U: The Author is learning. Albeit it’s at a snail’s pace, but he’s learning.



"There are a lot of changelings don't reckon we can hold this out much longer!" Applejack yelled over the chaos of the fight.



Scarlet: Remind me again why they aren’t using their magical police box to go get help from Canterlot?

JofY: Because the brakes are stuck.

Crazy56U: Because reasons.



The words set in and moral dropped until a blue bolt of energy flew by and destroyed a small group of the things!



SC276: Not ALL the things!

Crazy56U: Sonic has come to save the day, guys!



The group turned to see the trio of unicorns they thought they left in Canterlot. Twilight, Lyra, and the ever so helpfull Colgate!



Scarlet: Okay, I guess that works.

JofY: Okay, Colgate. First you want to be DIO, and now you want to be Speedwagon? Make up your mind!

Crazy56U: Let’s split the difference: Speedio.



At Sugar Cube Corner



SC276: Scene jumps everyone, and no one gives a shit.

Crazy56U: Oh, right, the TARDIS isn’t the only other location in the story!



"Did..did..did you see that?" said a shaky Lightning Smash he turned to see Sparkler curled in a ball in the corner sobbing. Her mother was killed before her very eyes! Now a stallion she doesn't even know is supposed to protect her!



Scarlet: And to make matters worse, her mother got attacked offscreen!

JofY: NO! That’s the worst kind of screen!

SC276: What relation do these characters have to the first-person narrator again?

Crazy56U: The only logical explanation to all of your quandaries is a simple, yet terrifying one: the Author gave up.



She was horrified.



JofY: No shit, dipshit.

Crazy56U: As opposed to laughing in glee?



What startled her more was when a changeling burst through the back doors and tackled Lightning! Sparkler did what any pony in this situation would do scream! Hearing the scream Sabre dashed for the store.



Scarlet: He used up all his stamina too quickly, and was blindsided by a player who had better dodge timing.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Oh shit, random screaming!”



Sparkler stopped screaming and kicked the creature in the muzzle knocking it off! Feeling proud of herself she got distracted and the creature grabbed her



Scarlet: Oh no! It’s got her by the Render Female Helpless Zone on her upper foreleg just below her shoulder! That completely prevents her from fighting back!

Crazy56U: [Changeling] “That isn’t nice, stop that!”



"Lightning help!" she said, but instead of the thing getting knocked off a purple blade pertruded from its chest. "What the?" she said before getting slung over Sabre's back along with her friend.



Scarlet: Wait I’m confused too. Is he walking around with a dead changeling on his horn like some kind of macabre kebab?

SC276: Eh, it’s probably one of those hard light weapons he keeps alternate shooting with.

Crazy56U: I think a better question is how did Sabre manage to not stab Sparkler along with the changeling as it held her?



The Streets



SC276: He started out as a poor boy, a child on here.

Crazy56U: Very helpful, thanks Narrator-Author.



"I'm guessing you're Sparkler right?"



JofY: Convenience works like that, right?

Crazy56U: The Element of Loyalty apparently doubles as the Element of Plot

Convenience...



I said Sparkler nodded "Then I'm getting you to safety."



"Whoa were are we going who are you?" she asked before looking at my armor and looking up.



SC276: What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you people?

Crazy56U: [Sparkler] “Are you God?”



"I promised your mother I would look out for you."



JofY: “Oh, BTW, ya ma like dead. Sry.”

Crazy56U: [Sparkler] “Aw, man, she couldn’t have picked anyone else?”



I turned a corner and sat them down and said "Now tell me about your self Miss. Sparkler." She told me her full name Amethyst Spark, she was from Canterlot, her father was killed by changelings, she was 12 years old at the time, and a few other things.



Scarlet: Like the meaning of life, how to square a circle, and the formula for the creation of a philosopher’s stone. You know. Other things.

SC276: Doe she know a way out of this fic?

Crazy56U: (sadly) There is no way out of this fic.



"Okay can we get out of here now?" asked Lightning Smash I nodded and we made a brake for the TARDIS.



SC276: I thought it wasn’t moving because its brake was still on?

Crazy56U: I bet dollars to donuts that the Author straight up forgot that.



At The TARDIS



"Well bout time you fellers got back.... Where's that red feller?" asked Applejack Sparkler looked on the verge of tears I answered AJ while trying to comfort her.



Scarlet: Not what feller means. Get your fake-ass country-isms out of here, ya varmint.

SC276: You get your fake, I say, your fake countryisms outta, I say, countryisms outta my life!

Crazy56U: Settle down, guys, let’s not have this turn into an Old West-style showdown...



"She was killed before I got there, but she told me to find her daughter and keep her safe." I said looking at the filly next to me.



"Oh my I'm so sorry little one let's get you inside." Applejack led the girl and her friend inside the TARDIS while I went over to the trio of unicorns and spoke my mind.



Scarlet: [Sabre] “Is this almost over yet? I’m missing my favorite TV show.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “You got any booze?”



"Twilight I told you to stay in Canterlot!"



"If I hadn't of came you're friends here would be dead now." said Twilight we continued arguing before Ditzy broke us up. There was urgency in her eyes.



Scarlet: We still never did address why she was covered in changeling blood, did we?

SC276: How is it possible I dislike the Rainbow Factory ripoff less?

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “SHUSH! A thing is happening…”



"Their Queen is here." I looked at her slack jawed until I turned my head seeing the alicorn like Queen Crisilis.



JofY: Dethroner!

Crazy56U: And now the Author is just straight up ignoring the spell checker out of spite.



"Ah I see both of my little headaches are right in front of me!



JofY: “I’m not hallucinating! You’re hallucinating the air as not being headaches!”

Crazy56U: (pulls out a bottle of aspirin) Got ya covered, Chrysalis!



Now I can get my revenge!" she said before jumping from the roof landing in front of me snarling "This will be fun!"



Scarlet: Boss fight music, engage!

CaptainPipsqueak: WOO!

SC276: Might be a little too epic for this situation here.

CaptainPipsqueak: Not if you played on a kazoo...

Crazy56U: (deadpan) No it won’t, shut up.

CaptainPipsqueak: You should see the boss it plays for: looks like an infinitely long tower made of heads.

JofY: What does everyone have against the kazoo?

Crazy56U: Uh… I was actually responding to what Chrysalis said, don’t know what

you guys are on about...



Chapter 8 The End



Crazy56U: Oh, thank the Lor-



and a Beginning



Crazy56U: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!



I charged my horn preparing an attack, but I wasn't expecting her to be able to negate the spell "What the heck!" I said confused.



SC276: That’s what we’ve been wondering.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “But I’m awesome, you can’t negate my awesomeness!”

[Chrysalis] “...I have some bad news for you…”



She rolled her eyes and approached.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Psssh, noob. You’re supposed to wait to charge a visceral until you riposte your opponent. Duh!”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Hmm… I hate you the most… You shall die first…”



"I see your horn doesn't like mind alteration spells. Oh well I'll kill you personally!" she said lunging.



SC276: So… wait, he’s immune to mind control? Like the kind she used on Shining Armor and yet not here?

JofY: No, clearly, it’s just his horn. I mean, just look at that easy to understand dialogue! How can you not understand what was said?

Crazy56U: He’s too stupid for it to work on him.



I side steeped still unable to create a new weapon I rammed into her with my horn!



Scarlet: Wow, good job! If you keep this up, you might be able to clear this stage without using healing items!

Crazy56U: (cough)



She growled in pain and walked backwards to get away from my horn.



SC276: I’m pretty sure just walking away isn’t going to do much good.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Aw, geez, that thing is pointy…”



I charged for words sinking my horn into her right front leg.



Scarlet: [Sabre] “FOR THE DICTIONARY!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Urban Dictionary powers, activate!”



She blasted me away. I was defenseless I couldn't stand or use magic I was as good as dead,



SC276: Don’t worry, you’ve been like that to us for the past story and a half or so.

Crazy56U: (crosses fingers)



but as she was firing her beam Applejack tried to save me taking the blast instead.



Scarlet: ...oh you motherfucker.

JofY: That was a needless death and you know it.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Applejack]: “How do ya… like… them apples, ya… bastard… ? *COUGH*”

SC276: Is the author going to make it a rule to kill off one of the Mane 6 every story?

Crazy56U: Oh, God damnit!



"Noooo Applejack!" Twilight yelled in anguish over her fallen friend. She sent blast after blast of energy at the Queen hitting her directly each time, but in her rage she failed to notice a hidden changeling in the bushes. It jumped out slamming the unicorn into her friends.



Scarlet: Thus giving Sabre an opportunity to kill-steal.

Crazy56U: [Changeling] “DOGPILE!”



"Enough!" I yelled grabbing the changeling with a quick blast. "You've hurt to many, killed to many of my friends for me to let you go! You die right here right now!"



JofY: “You! Random Mook! It’s all your fault!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you to DEATH!”



I ignited my horn drawing power from the element on my chest making a rainbow colored blade on my head. "I'm ready!"



Scarlet: [Sabre] “This horn of mine glows with an awesome POWERRRR! Its rainbow shine tells me to defeat you. Take this, my love, my anger, and all of my sorrow!”

JofY: Oh, no! He might use the carebear stare!

CaptainPipsqueak: One would think it kind of risky to piss off creatures that have laser cannons in their chests...

SC276: [Spongebob] “I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Welcome to DIE!”



The fight raged on for a while we locked horns, deflected each others spells, stuck each other when we were off our guard, and still no victor.



SC276: This is much more exciting than actual battle narration.

Crazy56U: How are they evenly matched?! Chrysalis should’ve won by now!



I jumped to the right raised my back legs and kicked her in the side sending her sprawling into the dirt.



Scarlet: Man, if only Chrysalis had the ability to infiltrate groups and destroy them from the inside, she could have avoided this!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, if only she could disguise herself as her foe; become a ‘changeling’ if you will…

Crazy56U: Low blow, Sabre! Low blow!



As she rose I pressed my right hoove into her neck I raised my left hoove and slammed it into the side of her face. The attack left two teeth in the dirt. My magic ignited and I created my finisher. My battle axe! I was not going to let her live to kill another day I brought my axe onto the base of her neck severing the head.



Scarlet: “GO! GO! GOOO!”

JofY: Good job. You killed another soldier. Seriously. Check the wording. He grabbed a changeling that was about to kill Twilight and defeated it. The Queen is still alive.

Crazy56U: That… was a little excessive, dude. You could’ve easily smashed her skull in.



My face spattered with blood as I raised my head I looked at the lifeless body of Applejack, and blacked out.



Scarlet: ...will anyone object if I immolate this story.

CaptainPipsqueak: Do you have a preference, or will good ol’ matches do it for you?

JofY: The soul isn’t nuanced enough in this fic to work.

Crazy56U: ...i-is the implication that, in the confusion, Sabre accidentally beheaded

Applejack’s corpse?



7 years later



SC276: Well that’s a sudden fucking time skip there.

Crazy56U: Well, at least the Author-Narrator was kind enough to inform us of this...



"Open your present Dinky."



CaptainPipsqueak: [Ditzy]: “Use the same method you did on the previous Dinky.”

Crazy56U: So, wait, is this Hearth’s Warming or Dinky’s birthday? ...or both?



said Ditzy Doo to her daughter Dinky. The Doctor, and Lyra were there, so was Dinkys older sister Sparkler (She was adopted shortly after the battle),



CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you for bringing us up to speed, you Applejack-killing bastard.

SC276: [Apple Bloom] “D I R T Y S I S T E R K I L L E R”

Crazy56U: [Author] “Yep, now that Applejack is dead, everything is great in the

world! Aren’t I an awesome person?!”



Colgate wasn't able to come over, but we're was Sabre he was supposed to be here hours ago!



Scarlet: Yeah, about that. I might’ve borrowed him to use as the first victim for my spell to resurrect Applejack. Don’t worry, I promise his death will be painful.

JofY: Really? You think blood magic is that easy?

SC276: Well last we saw, he blacked out, so I assume he’s dead.

Crazy56U: Sabre was at the IHOP, for reasons.



"Mommy where's daddy at?" asked Dinky.



SC276: I’m going to kill someone.

Crazy56U: (brain ignites) ...ow...



"Right here." said Sabre as he walked through the doorway.



Scarlet: Damn it, I knew I should’ve locked the cage!

JofY: Oh! That was supposed to be locked!?

Crazy56U: Why are you still alive?!



"Daddy!" Dinky squealed with delight Sabre walked over and gave her a hug, and then took his seat over by Ditzy.



Scarlet: ...well, at least it isn’t another terrible OC/main ship?

CaptainPipsqueak: As if an OC/background were any better...

Crazy56U: (brain is now roasting)

SC276: I’ll call the fire department.



"You're late." Ditzy scolded.



CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Late’ as in ‘the late Sabre Whatsisface’?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Look, I’m sorry, but at the same time, I’m not.”



"I made it didn't I."



"Ok yes you did"



Scarlet: Remember kids- making it is all you can ever expect. Even if your parents show up stone-drunk and puking, it still counts!

SC276: Attendance continues to be the only part of school I excel at!

Crazy56U: YAY!



"Great now Dinky I got you a very special present." I said pulling out a package.



Crazy56U: [Sabre] “It’s a Bible!”



"Yaaayy!" Dinky said again opening the box with glee finding a binder with eight papers with strange pictures on them.



JofY: Uhh...

Crazy56U: Ooh, it’s “The Bible: Picture Book Edition”!

JofY: For kids.

SC276: So, the Brick Bible?



Puzzled she asked me what they were. I said.



Scarlet: “Are you trying to tempt me? Because I come from a land of plenty!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I got it at a yard sale! :D”



"Safety."



JofY:...Huh? I’m sorry, but is it supposed to be an instruction manual, the story we just read, or some ancient time of scroll? No seriously. What is it?

SC276: They’re Cheato Pages, so Banjo’s going to burst in any minute now.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “As long as you have this picture book, you will be safe for… some reason…”



The End



Scarlet: And unfortunately, not the end of this riff. Oh dear.

Crazy56U: (brain explodes) ...ow…



(If you want to see a Pinkie story cannon to Sabre's adventures go to Slendermares page it'll be out soon!



JofY: Oh... *starts twitching* We’re doing it again?

Crazy56U: (brain explodes again) ...okay, then, that happened...



Yay I finished another one)



CaptainPipsqueak: Pinkie has a story cannon, too? I’d have thought that’d have been Twilight’s thing.

Crazy56U: Don’t fucking mock us.



Info on Sabre



Scarlet: Oh hell yes. This is some classic early-badfic narm. I wasn’t sure the internet still produced things like this!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, to be fair, this story is almost two years old, so this narm has already happened.

Crazy56U: Oh, goody! A gift nobody wanted!



A lot of pony's have been asking so I'll answer the questions on my abilities and such.



CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God’s testicles, now it’s devolved into an FAQ...

SC276: If your readers are asking questions about your character, that means you suck at writing for him.

Crazy56U: Theory: No one was asking, the Author is just being a cunt.



1. Backstory



I was born in Canterlot into a family of earth pony's. At 17 I joined the guard, and I got my cutiemark there.



Scarlet: “I was teased mercilessly given most ponies get theirs out of friggin’ third grade.”

JofY: Behold! The rich and nuanced background of an average citizen who is honestly wasting their time telling us that part!

SC276: A unicorn from a bunch of earth ponies? Sure, why not. Nothing else about this fic makes sense.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I got it when I accidentally stabbed myself with one of the swords!”



2. Strengths and weaknesses



CaptainPipsqueak: Although it’s more like strengths and other strengths, amIrite?

Crazy56U: Half of that is nonexistent.



I am very adept at spells that turn magic into a solid form condensed around my horn. I cannot use ranged weapons else I risk draining myself completely in one shot. If a spell that targets my mind is used I'm not effected by it, but my magic becomes in active for a while.



JofY: So, if someone uses a mind spell on you… Nothing happens? You have to use a bit of magic?

SC276: Why would attempts to mind-control you disrupt your magic?

Crazy56U: ...dear God, even your magic sucks?!



I can't handle loosing friends/family if I do I either.



Scarlet: “And sometimes, I work too hard.”

Crazy56U: “A) Become Upset or B) Become Happy- wait, I mean-”



A. Go berserk or.



B. Black out.



Scarlet: “B makes me kind of useless and unreliable in any combat scenario, admittedly.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “B happens more often than you think…”



3. Fears



I HATE spiders with all of my being.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Spiders of the world]: “Yeah, and fuck you too, buddy!”

Scarlet: Someone summon Muffet.

Crazy56U: (puts on a spider costume) I feel ridiculous… but it’s worth it.

JofY: *takes a picture of Crazy* Ahh… This is going into the scrapbook.

SC276: Stop!



Look



Scarlet: Listen!

Crazy56U: Don’t touch!



Dark black mane



Tanish/brown fur



Scarlet: Tanish? Is that like some kind of Danish thing?

Crazy56U: Ah, goody, he’s “generic horse” color!



Unicorn



My cutiemark is crossed purple swords



My magic, and eyes are purple.



Scarlet: I’m beginning to believe that the red and black alicorn OC thing is a myth. The true derp is purple-on-brown.

Crazy56U: Actually, his eyes are blue; he just wears colored contacts to be super kewl.



Hope this helped.



RingmasterJ5: It really didn’t. Anyway, see you all next time for part five of The Cat-

Fallen Prime: There’s more.

RingmasterJ5: ...excuse me?

Fallen Prime: It’s a trilogy. There’s a sequel to the sequel. And it’s more Slender shit.

RingmasterJ5: ...you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. How long is it and what’s the title?

Fallen Prime: “The Arrival.” And it’s about 4K words, meaning we can run it and STILL be under our cap. Load it up, boss man.

RingmasterJ5: Okay, without further ado, guess we’re running… that.

Crazy56U: Fallen, why do you hate us?

JofY: ...alright I guess.

CaptainPipsqueak: If by ‘helped’ you mean ‘made it easier to hate you’, you succeeded.

SC276: Taking bets now: which of the Mane 6 is gonna die this time?! Place your bets now, ladies and gentlemen!

Crazy56U: …$5 on Twilight.



Chapter 1 The Mare with no face.



Scarlet: She will be played by Clint Eastwood.

CaptainPipsqueak: ~I been through the desert on a horse with no face…~ … Oh come on; not one of you thought that?

Crazy56U: The number one suspect in this face theft is a guy wearing a top hat.



Seven years later



JofY: After what? The first chapter?

Crazy56U: So, it’s been approximately 14 years since Applejack was murdered by

the Auth- I mean Chrysalis?



"Now I avenge my fathers death!" said a light purple unicorn mare. She was still a blank flank, but she has one unconventional talent, and it feared it.



Scarlet: Her name is Inigo Montoya. You killed her father. Prepare to die.

CaptainPipsqueak: She spent most of her life chasing down the Two-Tailed Stallion. (Do you have any idea how hard coming up with an equivalent to ‘six-fingered’ is when you’re dealing with equines?)

Crazy56U: Hi, Dinky.



In her head she could hear "You will soon join him! No pony is powerful enough to stop me! Slendermare!"



Scarlet: Wow. Only a week after we riffed it, and I think “A Displaced Monster” gave this concept more dignity.

CaptainPipsqueak: Granted that’s a rather backhanded compliment, but I don’t think you’re entirely wrong...

JofY: I will be enraged! No one can stop my true anger! Name I’m shouting out!

SC276: So, wait, is Sabre dead, or did the daughter mix up the changelings that killed her family with something that shouldn’t even exist in Equestria why am I devoting brain cells to trying to understand this author?!

Crazy56U: Bye, Dinky. (gets up and leaves)



The other mare grinned at her white furred, tux wearing, faceless demon. She lit her horn, and produced eight pages. If Slendermare could look scared she did.



Scarlet: Eight pages. Eight… pages. Eight… *groans* oh for the love of everything.

JofY: Okay, what? How? The… But… Go back to your room fic. You can come out when you learn not to place your shadow on others foreheads.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m lost here. Don’t help; I appreciate my lack of knowledge.

SC276: I thought when you got all eight pages, Slendy killed you immediately.



"No! How did you get those?" yelled the Slenderpony into the mares thoughts.



[Mare]: “I pulled them out of my bag. Pay attention, stupid.”



"You could call it a birthday present."



JofY: We however like to call it lazy writing.

CaptainPipsqeak:...or whatever this is supposed to be.



the mares eyes lit up in a yellow light, and six gems came out of her bags next "And some death wishes."



SC276: Oh god she has the fucking Elements. Someone kill me now.

JofY: *stabs SC* ...Did that help?

SC276: Surprisingly, no.



She placed them in her armor, and casted a spell just like her dad! She formed a sword around her horn.



Scarlet: It was large, made of metal, and caused her to overbalance comically.



Seven years earlier



"What are these?" asked Dinky I simply replied with.



SC276: Those are stupid non-distinct cheat scene transitions. They’re used when the author doesn’t give enough of a shit to do better.



"Safety." she looked at me quizzically then shrugged placing the binder down besides her.



SC276: Aaaaaand it’s a two-part trilogy. Of course.



"Now let's eat some cake!" said an ever so peppy Doctor.



Scarlet: [Doctor] “I haven’t had cake in centuries! D’you still use cumin and roast partridge in it? No wait, that’s Antares-12.”

CaptainPipsqueak: We use crunchy frog and lark’s vomit here.



"Yes let's!" said Lyra we all got up, and I served the cake. Soon after every pony left I got an eerie feeling as if I was being watched. I shrugged it off, and went to bed.



Scarlet: It must be tough finding a narrator for this story when Sabre keeps replacing them.

SC276: Because the last time you felt like you were being watched, it wasn’t like the changelings attacked Ponyville and Applejack died.



The Next Morning



JofY: Seven years ago.



I woke up in my bedroom, and yawned as I looked around I noticed something was off.



JofY: ‘Did I always have a third nipple?’



Unable to pinpoint the cause I shrugged it off, and went downstairs. School was closed today it did snow pretty hard last night so I wasn't supprised.



Scarlet: It snows according to a schedule in Ponyville! There’s a whole episode about it! Several, actually!



I walked over to Dinky she was playing with some of her toys she got on her birthday yesterday. "Morning." I told her.



"Good morning Dad." said Dinky.



"Oh morning Sabre." said Ditzy walking down the stairs.



Scarlet: Good morning, Slendermare standing in the corner!



"Morning." I said giving her a kiss on the cheek. I still felt that presence not sure what it was I turned to Dinky, and smiled. Of course when ever something good happens something worse happens each time.



SC276: Well let’s see. Fought a bunch of changelings, beat up by the rest of them, became high in royal guard, cousin kidnapped and had to kill rogue Element of Harmony, took Element of Harmony and gave no indication of having to return it and became Ponyville’s protector, hometown attacked by changelings while you were with a madpony in a box and someone else you were allegedly close to died and blacked out, woke up seven years later married with a kid. ...Yeah, Nagito won a five-bullet round of Russian Roulette, so consider me unimpressed.



Anyway a armored stallion walked in. He was strange looking he had a horn (if you could call it that looked like a spearhead to me), and bat wings.



Scarlet: Y’know, as armored stallions do. They don’t even bother using the door, instead phasing into the narrative from the ether.

JofY: Well, he is the night.



His fur was black, his eyes red, and a peach tail. His armor was an assortment of different hides, and cloths. When he opened his mouthe, and revealed a set of sharp teeth (you know like wolves have)



Scarlet: Wow, novelty vampire fangs!

SC276: You worked in the royal guard at the beginning of the first story, and you don’t know the night shift?



Dinky was starting to cry, but Ditzy comforted her as I approached the stallion. "Who are you, and you've frightened my daughter so what do you need?" I asked him. He replied with a voice that sounded like a mix of crazy and angry.



Scarlet: Wait this guy walked in and you don’t know him? I was kidding about the ether bit!



"The mare with no face has been spotted by the guards it killed three of them, but the forth got away." he said.



Scarlet: Hoooo boy.

SC276: That doesn’t answer his question, jerk.



"This can't be happening. Alright I'll get some help, and get rid of it. By the way I didn't catch your name." I said.



"Names Midnight Black got it." said Midnight Black.



Scarlet: Why are you acting on the information of a crazy werewolf?

CaptainPipsqueak: Let me ask you a question: What else has this dope done right today?

SC276: Or for the past seven-plus years?



"Okay I'll be right out. Dinky, Ditzy a dangerous creature was seen near the edge of the forest got to go.



SC276: You mean the Everfree? Which has nothing but dangerous creatures plus Zecora? Come to think of it, how are the Main 4 dealing with all this, what with two of their number dead, not to mention the first one being a murderous psychopath?



Oh and Dinky keep that binder on you at all times! Daddy loves you." I said leaving home for the last time.



Scarlet: Wait, are you narrating this story after your death? What?

SC276: What is this binder even? Is it the stupid cloak thing that has the Element of Loyalty in it for rainbow sword thing that I don’t even remember if it did anything? Until anything’s stated otherwise, I’m assuming it’s like the notebook weapon from Undertale.



Town



JofY: So, not Ponyville?

CaptainPipsqueak: No, this is Town. Just ‘Town.’ They’re hoping for a citizen influx so they can one day change the name to ‘City’.



"Okay you've all been briefed now you know that this "slenderpony" has been killing our people that I will not stand for!



JofY: “It’s totally a monster that’s killing everyone I hate! Not me!”



Now I know I should bring more ponies, but I trust you four the most!" I said to my group it consisted of Twilight (who was now an alicorn),



Scarlet: Oh that happened I guess. No significant change here, moving on!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, it doesn’t involve him so it’s just some thing, y’know?

SC276: Twilight’s ascension involved all six of the Elements in one place when she cast that incomplete spell, and Sabre’s been holding one for the last seven years. Furthermore, it also involved all five of her friends swapping cutie marks. Was it just traded off between the remaining ones?



Rairity, Fluttershy (she's just coming if we run into any animals),



CaptainPipsqueak: “Yes, we plan to feed her to them as we make our escape.”



and Midnight Black because he's being forced to help."



SC276: The plot hates him as much as it hates us.



I said he gave me a glare, but I kept talking until we got geared up, and headed into the forest.



SC276: Wait, was there a quote started at some point why am I even trying.



The Forest thirty minutes in



CaptainPipsqeak: So we’ve gone from ‘Town’ to ‘The Forest’. These people need someone with imagination to name places. if the place actually was called ‘The Forest thirty minutes in’ I might give them a bit of credit in that respect.



"Okay I think were hear."



SC276: If I tried to pun off every blatant misspelling, we’d be here until New Years.



I whispered to my group as we advanced into the ruined castle. When we got inside we looked for evidence of the Slendermare. Just then we had our first casualty. A black tentacle sprung out of a hallway,



JofY: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going!

SC276: Why yes there is in a hallway in the middle of the freakin’ woods.



and impaled Rairity then slamming her into a wall leaving a bloody splat on the surrounding area.



SC276: And now I’m of the impression that the rest of the Mane 6 are going to die in the next five minutes. So… everyone wins the bet apparently.



The nex one slammed into me it didn't even puncture me, but I was sent sprawling onto the stone. Next it grabbed Fluttershy, and squeezed until she stopped moving. Twilight and Midnight rushed the hall when the pony showed her self. It was around Celestias height with a bald head, it was also wearing a suit. Two more tentacles came from it's back one breaking through Twilights skull, the other slamming Midnight into a spike on the wall.



JofY: Spike, no!

CaptainPipsqueak: Spike, yes!

SC276: ...OK, everyone who bet on someone besides Pinkie, I don’t think she’s even shown up in these.



I arose, and took a stance when it walked forewords.



JofY: Well, then I guess the spike he landed on must have been shoved up his ass!



"Now you've done it!" I yelled powering myself with my element. "Now I kill YOU!"



CaptainPipsqueak: EXCITEMENT!



I charged it dodging tentacles left, and right slicing at a few only to see my blade pass harmlessly through them.



"No I kill you." I heard in my head was "it" talking to me. It lifted me up, and pulled me up to his faceless face. In my last moments I lit my horn picking the elements from my armor, and my friends jewelry, and teleporting them away.



"You'll still die, but not by my hooves. But Di..."



JofY: “But Dio will still defeat you Joestar!”

CaptainPipsqueak: "WRYYY!"



I was cut off by a tentacle snapping my neck. It dropped me, and just vanished.



SC276: If the first person narrator is dead, doesn’t that mean the story’s over?



The Cottage



SC276: Well fuck.



"I'm afraid to inform you Miss. Doo, but I'm afraid Sabre has died."



CaptainPipsqueak: Sadness.



said a guard that had came to deliver the news. Ditzy just sat there tears welling up in her eyes.



"Mommy is it true?" asked Dinky. Ditzy just started sobbing running off to her room. "No daddy no!"



JofY: Yes daddy yes!



cried Dinky at the thought of her father dead. Still crying the stallion dropped a package in front of Dinky.



JofY: It’s the remaining pieces of your father!



"You're father told me to give this to you if he didn't come back. Sorry for your loss." he said trotting off.



SC276: Well lucky for the plot that this particular random guard was the one sent to deliver the bad news.



Dinky stopped crying for a second to examine the box it was way to big for her to carry on her own, but she managed with some magic. She opened it finding a sack of bits, a large ornate box, and guard armor with six slots, three on each side built for a mare.



"What the hay." she said opening the box seeing the Elements of Harmony along with a note.



JofY: “Would you like to be spiritually awakened? Well then, all you need to do...”



"Dear Dinky if you are reading this I was killed by the Slendermare.



SC276: I’m wondering how many more ponies died while this guy was preparing his inheritance, which also includes the things that couldn’t possibly be there when he went in, also where the fuck is Pinkie.



I've left you a few thousand bits,



JofY: Few thousand bits!? Please for the love of… tell me you put it in a bank account where she can only access it when she’s older.



some custom armor, and the elements. Wait till you're fourteen then don the suit, place all the elements in there respective places, and avenge me.



JofY: “Become vengeful, blinded by your own rage.”

SC276: Well that’s one way of turning people to the Dark Side.



I've also left a book of combat spells in the box. Please don't moarn me just train, and study, and most importantly never loose those pages.



JofY: “Never loosen those pages! They’re very tight right now, and keep it that way!”



Love Daddy"



Tears running down her face Dinky muttered "Yes father."



Chapter 2 Royal business



Canterlot



"I can't belive she's dead.



JofY: Personally, I can’t believe it’s not butter.



After all she's been through just to be dusted aside as if she were an insect. Goodbye Twilight." said Celestia just reading the letter that arrived just minutes ago. Rage building inside she was about to hunt the beast when a small light purple unicorn filly walk into the room.



JofY: If memory serves me, isn’t this supposed to be seven years after the previous story?

SC276: I’m fairly sure Sabre is supposed to be Dinky’s father, so she’s less than seven. In which case, how the fuck did she get to Canterlot, much less an audience with the princess? In mourning?



"Princess I have come hoping you could teach me in your school." I asked.



SC276: [Celestia] “Y’know, you could just apply at the school, I don’t personally approve every student.”



"Why Dinky it's been awhile. I'm so sorry for your loss."



CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia]: “I hope my clumsy monotone delivery of that statement puts across to you how much the death of your mother hurt me.”



said Celestia Dinky mearly said.



"Is that a yes or a no?" she asked. Celestia breathed in.



"Yes my dear Dinky."



JofY: “Nevermind the fact that you currently have enough bits to get a teacher to teach you magic, and your yourself have not yet actually displayed any special talents in magic. Sure, I’ll teach you magic.”



Ditzy's Cottage Five Years Later



SC276: I’m fairly sure this fic is tied with the last in terms of no one has any idea how the plot works.



Ditzy was just talking with some of Dinky's school friends Sweetiebelle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom



SC276: Yes, those three are definitely attending Celestia’s magic school. Even though Apple Bloom probably has extra work on the farm without her big sister, I’m not entirely sure Sweetie Belle would still be in Ponyville, and who knows what’s been up with Scootaloo after the first story.



when a knock was heard at the door. "Now who could that be?" said Ditzy leaving the conversation to answer the door. She opened the door, and saw no pony so she returned to the former Cutie Mark Crusaders they had gotten their cutiemarks.



CaptainPipsqueak: Excitement. *yawn*



Scootaloo had a tire that seemed to be riding through fire, Sweetie had a music note with two small hearts on either side, and Applebloom had two hammers crossing (guess what) an apple (shocker).



JofY: (face of surprisement)

SC276: Season 5 saves the day again.



Later that night Ditzy could hear strange noises coming from down stairs. She got out of bed, put on her night robe, and walked down the stairs.



When she reached the bottom a strange pony was standing just in the corner of her eye!



JofY: Look out! It’s an OC!

SC276: Look out! It’s Osmosis Jones!



When she turned she saw nothing. Taking it as her eyes playing tricks on her she turned around to go back to her room she came face to no face with Slendermare! "NO!"



JofY: “I don’t have a pen on me! I’ve wanted your autograph for so long!”



she yelled turning around to run it mearly teleported in front of her. It's skin tore open were its mouth would've been revealing a set of black sharp teeth, and then a void.



CaptainPipsqueak: What is it with voids in the recent stories?



"HELP ME!" she yelled as she ran again stopped by the pony.



SC276: This author is beyond help.



As she started to only see static she knew in her heart she was doomed. "Goodbye Dinky. Goodbye Sparkler." she said tears running down her face before she fell over dead.



SC276: So… why is Slenderman hunting down Dinky’s family again?

JofY: Because it needs to be as tragic as possible.



Canterlot



"All right class that's all for today you can head home for the day." said Celestia as class ended that day. I was nearly big enough to wear the armor my dad gave me.



SC276: Fuck, she inherited her father’s first-person narrator genes.



It seemed to grow is I grow to so I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to fit in it. Anyway as I approached the front door it was night time, and Celestia was just going to bed. As I walked up to the house I heard a scream saying.



"Goodbye Dinky, goodbye Sparkler. Mommy loves you."



JofY: (rereads the previous scene) Wow. Couldn't even fully copy and paste?



I heard this, and barged into the house only to see Slendermare. It turned to see me showing me it's new mouth,



CaptainPipsqueak: It was chrome, lined with flame decals and bitchin’ cool.

JofY: It got the need for speed.

SC276: How to tell when someone’s a vore artist.



but I wasn't scared I was angry!



SC276: Insert lines from the Emperor here.



For I saw my mothers dead body at its hooves. It's tentacles came out, and lashed out at me before a strange barrier blocked them it was a light purple color just like "Dad." I said knowing he was protecting me.



SC276: Even when the bastard’s dead, he’s curbstomping.



As he instructed I had the binder on me, but when I took it out the creature reeled back, and ran into the wall vanishing. I fell to the ground, and passed out.



SC276: I think the story’s getting to be too much for her.



Ponyville Hospital



"Ugh my head." I said as I sat up in my hospital bed.



JofY: She then got a headrush, and proceeded to faint.

SC276: So apparently according to the author, Ponyville and Canterlot are the exact same place.



I held my right hoof against my head trying to remember what exactly happened last night when I saw a stallion in armor talking to a doctor.



"I can't just let you in there your not even related!" said the doctor. You see only family, and close family friends approved by either the one in the bed, or a relative can see a patient.



CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you, Captain Knowlege!



"Royal Business."



CaptainPipsqueak: [Doctor]: “The bathroom is down the hall and through the door on the left. Be sure to wash your hooves when you’re done.”



said the stallion his voice was different. I was thinking he'd better not come in here who knows who he is besides I just need time to think. That's when Midnight Black walked into the room. "Miss me."



JofY: ...Who are you again?

SC276: I thought he died. Along with the rest of the Mane 6 and the dad.



Chapter 3 Getting Even



Celestias School for gifted Unicorns Courtyard



"And it is my pleasure to graduate these students from my academy knowing that they have the knowledge needed for an adept unicorn in our world! First graduate Dinky Celestial Doo!" said Celestia at the schools graduation.



SC276: Who has a middle name like “Celestial”? Y’know, besides new age retro hippies?



I've been training for seven years now, and right after the ceremony I'm getting even with a certain faceless mare.



SC276: Gheeze, not even going to have a graduation party or anything where you get animation software and your first iPod as gifts?



It's been seven years since my father died, two since my mom died. Anyway Im big enough to fit in the armor my dad gave me, and the elements were in place. I still don't know why there was a sun shaped slot in the front.



JofY: ...So, Celestia is dead.



As I got my diploma I said goodbye to Celestia, and ran out the door.



JofY: No! Wait, the door’s stil- [BLAM] ...closed.

SC276: And you’re the first to get the diploma, right? So you literally just ditched the graduation ceremony of your entire class. Jerk move, girl. You’ve been waiting seven years, what’s an hour or three more?



Midnight Black was waiting outside strapped to a chariot with Scoots, Sweetiebelle, and Applebloom on it. They were all outfitted in guard armor with spears strapped to their sides.



JofY: Because they’re the type to want to join the army.

SC276: Cutie Mark Crusaders Creepypasta Fighters YAY!



"Alright girls let's do this!" I said as Midnight flew to words the Everfree Forest. You might think why are they risking their lives to help you? I'll tell you the Slendermare killed Sweetiebelles sister Rairity, Sabre my dad is Scootaloo's cousin,



JofY: ...Wasn’t that Rainbow Dash? I mean, yes, he killed her… But I don’t think that inherits the title.

SC276: I can’t believe Scootaloo, Chereliee, and Sabre all being related is the one thing from the past fics that I freakin’ remember.



and Appleblooms sister Applejack was killed in the battle for Ponyville fighting along Sabre. So they want this (censor) to die.



JofY: “We need to kill the censoring! Their control of modern media has gone on far enough!”

CaptainPipsqueak: You know; I’ve actually stopped registering when the author does something like this now.



The Cottage



I went into my old room for one last time grabbing a picture of my family having a picnic in Canterlot one evening. I sighed remembering the good old days before "it" came into the picture.



JofY: “Now there’s balloons floating everywhere!”

CaptainPipsqeak: Everything floats here.



I put the picture into my saddlebags, and returned to the chariot.



SC276: Foreshadowing, or meaningless scene in an attempt to increase the drama we don’t give a fuck about? Place your bets!



Canterlot



Celestia was just getting done with her duties of raising the sun, and was jotting her signature on some papers when a guard walked in. He was covered in blood, he was muttering something about a mare with no face. Before she could even approach him he collapsed. Celestia checked for a pulse, and found nothing when she looked up her face met a tentacle moving at several hundred miles an hour. There was a scream, and a crunch. Equestria just lost a princess.



CaptainPipsqueak: That’s okay, it was only Celestia.

JofY: I’d like to point out that CALLED IT!

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh come on; this story’s handing out deaths like free cookie samples. It’s only a wonder she lasted this long.

SC276: Why, even? What reason would a child-obsessed creepypasta monster go after Celestia? And let me guess, Equestria falls into chaos because the author forgot Luna exists.



Everfree Forest



"Alright let's do this." I said with my group behind me.



SC276: Y’know, if the monster’s in Canterlot performing an assassination, it probably means it’s not in the forest.



We approached the abandoned castle looking around carefully so that they wouldn't join their family in death so soon. As we walked along I saw the corpse. There was an alicorn with a hole in her head I recognized her instantly. "Princess!"



JofY: Celestia always had a hole in her head, right?

SC276: Orrrrrr I remember this author has no sense of spacial relations.



I said running to my dead mentor I was on the verge of tears. The sadness was replaced by rage as I knew who did this. "Come out Slendermare, and face me! Or are you afraid to get your flank kicked?" I said my request answered when a tentacle tripped Sweetiebelle, and flung her against the wall.



SC276: It didn’t immediately kill her with tentacle stabbity like a bitch like it did with every adult in this series because *jazz hands*.



"Sweetie!" said the remainder of the cmc drawing their spears. I teleported besides them, and used a spell my dad always used. I created a yellow sword around my horn.



"She's dead." I said my head down.



JofY: My god! Event comics kill at a slower rate than this fic does! Scratch that, gore fics kill at a slower rate!

SC276: She’s at least seventeen or so by now! How the fuck does she die from tripping?!



"Don't say that!"



JofY: “She’s only mostly dead!”



Applebloom yelled at me when she tried to run to her friends side Midnight blocked her.



"I've died before I know what death feels like, and she is dead."



JofY: ...You know, that could honestly be what it reads as, and we may never know.

CaptainPipsqueak: That...doesn’t really help describe the situation to Apple Bloom.

SC276: So you did die, which means you’re living now because fuck this story.



he said before he looked at Appleblooms unmoving body "Applebloom you okay?" without an answer she fell. I ran up to her, and looked into her eyes sure enough they looked like a tv when you put magnets next to it.



CaptainPipsqueak: O...kay?

SC276: There’s been no prior indication that TVs exist in Equestria. In this story.



Now she's dead.



CaptainPipsqueak: So another Apple has fallen from the tr...No.

JofY: What? Did she just get a heart attack?



"Scootaloo behind me." said Midnight terrified she obeyed.



A figure came out of the shadows and said "Hello my little pests."



CaptainPipsqueak: ~I used to wonder what infestation could be/And then you shared your flea-bitten ways with me…~

SC276: Why is it bothering with talking instead of just killing them?



Chapter 4 The Final Battle



CaptainPipsqueak: Liar! LIAR!



Slendermare's Lair



If Midnight wasn't there I would've been impaled. Slendermare sent a tentacle in my direction I wasn't fast enough to dodge it, but Midnight Black jumped in the way getting his head torn off!



SC276: Second time’s the charm!



It flew into the air before it fell into his outstretched hoof. He put it back on the stump, and said "Hey guess what you already killed me. I'm already dead, and you can't kill what's already dead so you can't win." he said.



JofY: Oh please, over half of us here are dead, and you don’t see us winning anything.

CaptainPipsqueak: We don’t win anything for dying? Why that lying fuck...

SC276: Oh c’mon, I put up with enough “surviving decapitation” in that fic.



Clearly angry the creature ripped him apart limb from limb, but each time he just put them back on.



JofY: You do realize that tearing off the limbs is the type of method that kills this form of immortality, right?

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; he has to get his head cut off in order to die. There can be only one.

JofY: *looks up ~6 sentences* ...

CaptainPipsqueak: That cheating bastard. Must be using the Konami code.



"Gotta do better than that to beat me!" yelled Midnight as he charged the creature.



SC276: The only thing he fears is man’s gun and man’s fire.



He passed right through it, and got knocked out by getting his face slammed into a rock wall.



"Well that didn't last very long." I remarked.



CaptainPipsqueak: But more than long enough for us.



"I don't think we need witty remarks both of our friend jus "died" you heard me died!" she said raising her voice that was a bad idea. A tentacle flew at her she jumped up, and dodged it then shot herself at the creature.



SC276: Wait, who said that again?



Before I could stop her she was on a crash course for a stone wall. She passed through the creature, and ended up killing herself by slamming her head into a stone wall.



SC276: Well, that’s a Darwin Award right there.



I just said "YOU KILLED SCOOTALOO YOU MONSTER!" to the creature.



JofY: “The others I only sort of cared about, BUT SCOOTALOO!?! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE! SHE! WAS! MY! WAIFU!”

SC276: Tecnically, I think she killed herself...



Yawning sounded in my head as I said that. The Slenderpony said "Time for you then I suppose."



"Bring it." I said, but instead of being attacked I heard a sound like breaking glass looking at the ground I saw fragments of gems. "Well (censor) me." I said.



JofY: You just did it yourself.



A tentacle slammed into my chest sending me flying back. I caught my hoofing, and aimed a blast of energy at the creature sending volley after volley of yellow magic beams. Each one sailing through it. "Ah come on!" I said.



SC276: I see she’s honoring the dead with a Sweetie Belle impression.



Another tentacle grabbed my leg, and threw me at the back wall.



SC276: This kills Sweetie Belle but not her because this fic hates its readers.



I got up, and felt a sudden jolt of pain. I looked down, and saw my leg bent in an awkward angle. The Slenderpony materialized in front of me, and said "My my how pathetic just like your parents. Shame I thought you'd of been a tad bit stronger." it said. I got up ignoring the pain, and stared down the demon



SC276: Literally the only reason the fic will have Dinky win is because the villain keeps monologuing instead of killing her.

JofY: To be fair, you wouldn’t know that he was evil if not for the fact that he was evil. After all, he just wants to end this story.



"Don't you DARE TALK about my parents like that.



JofY: [Slenderpony] “Yeah, well, I double dare you to talk about your parents like that!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “I double-dog dare you!”

SC276: [Slenderpony] “Dee-double-dog dare you!!”



You do it again I'll have to kill you."



"Fine your parents were... Bam!" Slendermare was cut off by a hoof surprisingly connecting with its chin sending it sprawling onto the floor.



"You insufferable PEST!" it said.



SC276: [Slendermare] “How dare you find the plot power necessary to be able to hit me!”



"I will devour you soul... Bam!"



CaptainPipsqueak: *WHAM!* *POW!* *ZAPPO!*

JofY: *ORA- No… those are for awesome moments.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh come on; you can never go wrong with 60’s Batman fight sounds.

SC276: To the Batmobile! It might have a better story!



in came another punch sending the demon onto the ground again. The Slendermare teleports to the other side of the room. "You will die!"



"No you will."



JofY: Plot twist: This is all a kindergarten spat.



I said bringing out the Elements Of Harmony from my bags. I inserted them into my armor. "I brought extra."



"Impossible I destroyed them. There can't be more." it said.



"You really didn't know. These things are pretty much indestructible."



JofY: You get an Element of Harmony! You get an Element of Harmony! Everyone gets an Element of Harmony!

CaptainPipsqueak: [Charlie Brown]: “I got a rock…”

SC276: Did the superpowered creepypasta not figure that Sabre teleported them away, or is the author seriously retreading the climax of the two-part series premiere?



I said "Oh and I've got one more surprise." I said bringing out my old binder. It's cover was worn, but other than that it was in good shape.



"No. You can't!" It said.



JofY: “No! Not old school notes!”



"You know I've never known what these pages were for till a few moments ago.



SC276: So it is an actual notebook thing! That would’ve been nice to know before now!



They are for killing you." I said levitating the pages in a circle around me.



"How did you get those?" It asked.



"Let's just say they were a gift." I said before sending a bolt of pure energy at the creature. A hole appeared in its chest, and it fell limp.



JofY: That was easy.



The End



SC276: Cease with your lies.



I stumbled the adrenalin gone I was now in pain, and tired, but worst of all sad. My friends were just murdered in front of me, and I just stood there! Stood there, and watched.



JofY: It’s almost like their deaths were immensely stupid or something.



I sat there crying everyone I knew, or loved was dead. I blacked out.



CaptainPipsqueak: Hey. Hey hey. No. You just said The End. I call for a penalty foul.

SC276: Trainer Dinky blacked out!



Hospital



"Well looks like she's coming to! Miss she's coming to!" said an over excited doctor.



JofY: *audible wink*



I opened my eyes to see a smiling stallion inches from my face. I did the only sensible thing



SC276: Now’s not the time to start that.



I punched him in the face. He fell back holding his muzzle whimpering. "Ow ow ow!" he said "Un called for."



SC276: So was that space.



"Well you were uncomfortably close to my face." I said in a sarcastic tone.



JofY: “Baka...”



"Sorry got carried away. By the way I'm Doctor Gem." said Gem



JofY: “And yes, my brother’s name, is Stoned.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Little was anyone aware that he was a hologram.



"And a pony by the name of Lyra is here to pick you up, and you better my brother Slappy Hooves will be here soon."



JofY: Why? Can anyone explain the reasoning behind any part of of this sentence.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m sure if you get drunk enough it’ll make perfect sense.

SC276: If you were trying to make a freakin’ Animaniacs reference, author, I’m getting you coal for Christmas.



I took a closer look at him, and saw that he looked just like The Doctor! But Doctor Gem was a unicorn, and his cutiemark was in fact a gem. He had white fur, and a red mane with red eyes.



SC276: The majesties of cut-and-paste background characters.



"Well nice to meet you." I said. Not knowing this wouldn't be the last time I saw him.



SC276: Because Dinky is psychic!



Lyra's home



Lyra's home wasn't much it was two story, with two bedrooms, her, and Bon-Bon share a room. I had the guest room it was small it just had a little bed, and little dresser. It had a teal carpet, and teal walls.



CaptainPipsqueak: “I personally found the room’s feng shui to be inadequate, but that wasn’t my business.”

SC276: I think this is the most description anything in this trilogy has ever got.



I sat down my bags, and plopped down in my new bed pondering what might happen next.



Location Unknown



"Hi audience I'm Midnight Black, and I'm being allowed to speak with you for the author.



CaptainPipsqueak: … *begins hyperventilating*

SC276: Is this guy the reincarnation of Mykan or something?!



Sorry for the delay he hasn't been feeling like writing for awhile, and so this chapter might be short.



CaptainPipsqueak: Please, by all means, feel like not writing again.



But don't worry Dinky's Adventures will be starting soon, and you don't want to miss it.



JofY: Seriously! Put it out of it’s misery now! Aim and shoot! Kill it!!! KILL IT!!!

SC276: I just got Minecraft, let me start laying TNT!



As for Slendermare I "sent" her to the comments section.



SC276: [comments section] “Well we don’t freakin’ want her!” ...Also, if the author’s implying that he’s responding as Slendermale in-character in the comments, I’m going to nuke something.



See you guys later."



The End



Crazy56U: (comes back) Good. So, anyway-



For now.



Crazy56U: Fuck off. So, anyway, now that the story’s over-



Bonus Chapter: Midnight Black



Crazy56U: I said fuck off! (leaves in a huff)

CaptainPipsqueak: Double-penalty! Story annulled!

SC276: The Story That Wouldn’t Die! Coming soon to a Satellite of Love near you!



Back at the castle



Slendermare had just gotten enough strength to heal her body from the wound the little pest of a unicorn had inflicted on her.



SC276: Of course that didn’t kill her.



"Now she's gonna get it."



SC276: I’m gonna get you, Kirby.



Slendermare thought to herself as she vanished into the shadows.



Unknown location



Slendermare had just walked out of the shadows, and was perplexed to see that she was not in the hospital, but instead was in some sort of a cave.



SC276: Is it The Cave?



She looked around before seeing an alicornic bat pony thing looking at her with a grin on his face. "We'll look who decided to drop by. I'll admit I wasn't at my full power back at your castle, but the author pulled some strings, and pumped me up a bit."



JofY: Author… are you giving your characters drugs?



said Midnight



SC276: How exactly is Midnight “alicornic,” whatever the hell that means? Also, is the author admitting that he brought the character back and couldn’t be assed to think of an in-universe reason?



"Let's dance!".



JofY: “I’ve got DDR set up in the back!”

SC276: You think a reporter with no soul could outdance Ulala?!



Slendermare sent a tentacle his way only for it to be deflected by a barrier of some sort. "Yawn. That's all you've got?" he said.



SC276: [Slendermare] “At least my ability pool is set. You’re pulling new shit out of thin air!”

JofY: [OC] “Yeah! But you're evil! That’s why you kill! I only kill for good reasons!”

[Slendermare] “So, should I bring out my tragic backstory now, or later?”

[OC] “...Crap.”



Slendermare was so angry she directly charged the stallion. Midnight looked ready to pounce, but instead he opened his mouth, and let his jaw sink to the ground. Slendermare tried to stop running, but it was to late she slid into his open maw. He chomped down with the sound you'd hear in a cartoon.



JofY: Okay, I have got to nominate this part, as the most stupidest part in this entire god damn fic.

SC276: Nomination seconded. Maybe Pinkie was transmuted into this guy.



He licked his lips before saying "Have fun in the comments."



Crazy56U: (comes back) ...did you. Seriously. Just rip off. THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC?!

Hell, not even the good Nostalgia Critic; the crappy post-”Demo Reel” one! THE FUCK.



The Comments section



Crazy56U: And, on that note- (gets up and leaves)



Slendermare awoke stuck in a frame of some sorts pondering were exactly this place was before seeing a sign that said "Comments? Well crap."



JofY: No, someone messed up the order. It’s the Crap Comments Well.



she said finally beaten.



JofY: Fallen… Are you going to make us riff the comments section?



Bonus Chapter: Slappy Hooves



JofY: *breaths in* END!!! END!!!

SC276: OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING WHORE!! *ding*



Ponyville Hospital



Slappy Hooves was just walking in when a teal unicorn skipped past him with a very depressed looking purplish unicorn in toe. Thinking of a way to cheer her up he did the one thing he was good at he slapped her. Not a hard slap mind you, but a playful one fallowed by a quick punch in the face.



JofY: Are… Are we going to have to pull out the overly gay stereotype here?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m vaguely shocked that we haven’t had to yet.

SC276: What is… There is no point to this character, nor any point to more freakin’ chapters after Dinky’s plot is done!



He looked up and said "What the hay. Just trying to cheer you up." she looked at him quizzically.



SC276: How the fuck would slapping someone cheer someone up in the first place?!



"By slapping me in the face?" she said "you wouldn't happen to be Slappy Hooves would you?" she asked.



"Why yes I would."



SC276: [Dinky] “Huh. I did not think that name would be so goddamn literal.”



"Well your brother is waiting for you room 209." she said.



"Thanks, and sorry for the Slapping thing though." said Slappy they parted ways, and Slappy headed to room 209.



JofY: ...so that entire scene… Heh... was pointless… *starts laughing mad*

Fallen Prime: I looked through the author’s other stories to be completely sure, and yes, THIS is the last of this series. The rest of their work isn’t related to any of what you riffed, and the fact that this last part came out in February of 2014 suggests we’ll never see Celestial Sabre again.

RingmasterJ5: Thank god. Anyway, as I was saying before I was interrupted by an entire third fic, next week brings something special, as Kudzu saw fit to write just about 10K more words of The Catch, just in time for the next multipart slot. It’s going to be great.

JofY: *currently laughing too hard to give an opinion*

CaptainPipsqueak: Something with a bit more zest? Riffing this was a bit like beating up a guy on crutches: easy and fun but you feel kinda bad about it later.

Crazy56U: This is a thing that happened. We should acknowledge that. There is nothing more to say.

JofY: *catches his breath* ...okay, this was hilariously bad. But I’m gonna go part by part. For the first one, we have Rainbow Dash just what I’m going to dub, ‘evil hovering’ where a character doesn’t really do anything, they’re just the villain. Anyways, she faces off the worst detective in Equestria, who pulls leads out of nowhere, and never seems to remember what he’s doing. For part two, we somehow ended up with Saber facing against a who kills things, while in part three they have a villain who kills things… wait… I do have to admit, that the third part is my favorite for just how asinine it is. The reason why I don’t yell in rage at this fic for including Slender when Displaced did it, is because this one actually tried to have Slender… Okay, it was as close to Slender as it got to spell and grammar checking, but at least this one hit the broadside of the 10 mile barn of what Slender is. However, in the end, this is not only crap. But it’s the kind of crap that you see everywhere, and I love that kind of crap the most.

Crazy56U: ...dude, I just said there’s nothing more to say, why.

JofY: ...because I always like to give my full opinion on things.

Crazy56U: Where do you get off being an insightful and verbose person?

JofY: Because, the author might have thought they were making good work. Or at the very least, may have not written their fan fiction at an attempt to punish. And because they may have genuinely been trying, they don’t deserve to completely mocked and ridiculed.

SC276: Also, I’ve already recycled all of the complaints I had out of my brain within two minutes of getting them as a means of safeguarding, so someone has to do it. At least Kudzu has proper sentence structure.

Scarlet: Yeah, but let’s be fair here. As much as I didn’t manage to finish this due to unexpectedly being summoned to the ninth circle of retail hell halfway through, this is… easily one of the best things we’ve ever riffed. The last Rainbow Factory sequel was plodding, terrible, and awkward. At least Celestial Sabre gets to the point in fewer words. We also had three silly action stories that mostly just suffer from the author’s inability to write a half-decent action sequence or properly build tone, mood, or any of the other details needed to immerse the reader. Standard badfic stuff, but like most badfics it’s just forgettable at its worst and charmingly terrible at its best. Not nearly as inherently funny as “A Displaced Monster”, but hey, I’ll give it credit: Nobody’s getting called a nice guy for not raping someone. Oh no, that’s for next week!

Crazy56U: For the record, I was being sarcastic.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Good job everyone, we got zero submissions in the right wordcount range in time for the second sampler.

Fallen Prime: This is my applause face.

RingmasterJ5: We only needed two, since we already had a Mykan one for the “previous author” slot, but we didn’t get anything. So, we’re moving it to… I would say the 22nd of this month, but that’s Christmas week. Should we even run anything then?

Fallen Prime: The following update actually lands ON a holiday. There’ll be plenty of time for people to pop in between Christmas and then, assuming they don’t swarm it at launch.

RingmasterJ5: Okay, then you guys have three more weeks. Find SOMETHING. In the meantime, speaking of Christmas… this thing.

Fallen Prime: I have been told very little other than that it’s a compilation of Hearth’s Warming shorts starring the mane six and their OC boyfriends. And also Nyx, from the looks of the first few paragraphs. Hey Crazy, remember HER?

RingmasterJ5: This is one of those times, like the Fazpony fic, where we’re throwing you all into a spinoff fic of a much longer continuity without any context.

Fallen Prime: Which we also more or less did with “The Catch.” And look what miracles we’ve made with that.

RingmasterJ5: Exactly. Without further ado, “Spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Shorts” by Power Master.

Crazy56U: (pops up) Someone say my name?

CaptainPipsqueak: You’re Power Master? Unclean! UNCLEAN!

Crazy56U: (scoff) I wish. It’s give me something to talk about, at least.

Topher: (falls headfirst from the chimney, in a Santa costume) I don’t know who Nyx is, but I get the feeling that by the end of this, everyone’s getting coal. Except instead of coal, it’s lead. And it’s moving at high speed.



Author's Notes:



It's not gonna be long chapters but short only.



Crazy56U: What, do you hate the concept of “middle-sized”?

CaptainPipsqueak: He’s not of the ‘glass half-full’ school of thought.

Crazy56U: No, it’s “glass half-empty”.

JofY: Personaly, I think that it’s half-full, half-filled with air.

SC276: I’ve been told it’s a bunch of shorts all put in one chapter, so I don’t think it’s either.

Bucephalus: If it was only one chapter, wouldn’t that mean it would be one short chapter that let us go home early?



One simple short for Mane Six's Boyfriends about special Christmas to the former.



Crazy56U: Oh. ...it’s one of those stories…

Captainipsqueak: Eeyup.



Short 1: The Perfect Gift



SC276: The fic’s ending early?

Crazy56U: Corn?

CaptainPipsqueak: A giant container of almond roca?



As the snow rained down from the clouds



Crazy56U: I... I think you just made a meteorologist cry...

Captainpipsqueak: Oh hail no.



above the land, its the city and land were covered in white.



SC276: Oh joy, OCxCanon, and the author couldn’t write a grammatically-correct sentence to save his life. This is gonna be a real treat.

Crazy56U: Apparently the author was dabbling in a bit of the white stuff while writing this…

CaptainPipsqueak: Glue?

DaeCat: So you’re telling me, the land’s land was covered in white? Makes sense to me.



The Hearth's Warming Eve was here,



Crazy56U: (deadpan) Don’t you mean Christmas?

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Christ… mas?’ What is this… ‘Christmas’ you speak of?

Crazy56U: It’s the day Santa Claus gave birth to Jesus Christ, obviously, that’s why

we celebrate with presents and commercialism.

CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you; the image of a man giving birth will keep me cold

tonight.

Crazy56U: You asked for it.



a very special yet meaningful holiday for both Equestria Ponies to enjoy since the formation of Equestria.



SC276: All two of them.

Captainpipsqueak: And even then they’re unsure what to get the other.

Crazy56U: You know, on the topic of Hearth’s Warming, I’ve gotta ask: I know it’s the Christmas analogue, but does it double as the Thanksgiving analogue too? Does

Equestria even have Thanksgiving?

JofY: It was a wonderful time for both two Equestria Ponies,

Scarlet: Equestrian Thanksgiving is generally rolled into all the other holidays that ponies are thankful not to be eaten.

CaptainPipsqueak: They serve cupcakes during this occasion. The irony is lost on nopony.

Bucephalus: Ew.



But it was also for Mystic Ponies to enjoy as well.



Crazy56U: “Mystic Ponies”? ...do you mean “unicorns”?

CaptainPipsqueak: But unicorns are so… common.

Crazy56U: ...no, that would be earth ponies, friend…

Scarlet: My Little Pony: Mystic Force is known to most fans as the downturn of the franchise.

Crazy56U: Huh, I thought it was My Little Pony: Operation Overdrive…

CaptainPipsqueak: No, you’re thinking “My Little Pony Xtreme.”

JofY: Then what happened to My Little Pony: Zexal?

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh, don’t even get me started…

Bucephalus: Oh no. This is like Mykan’s stuff. Run for your lives!

DaeCat: Decoder time: I smell unicorn supremacy.



At Ponyville; Twilight, Spike and Nyx were walking down the street.



Crazy56U: Given the weird ass prose and the shameless cribbing from “Past Sins”, I

wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that Power Master is friends with JusSonic…

CaptainPipsqueak: Ah, crap; it’s a Nyx story… That’s what I get for not reading the

opening.

RingmasterJ5: It wouldn't be an F/F/T3K Holiday Special without copious amounts of regret.

Crazy56U: (pained) Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-laaaa…

CaptainPipsqueak: “So Twilight and Nyx walk into a bar…”

JofY: “They say: Ow.”

Bucephalus: Then every shadow villain ever follows them and sues Nyx. The end.



They looked on both sides as they were searching and looking for something important gift for Shadow Dragon.



Crazy56U: ...I swear to God, if turns out that I’m right…

RingmasterJ5: Oh, hey, turns out you are.

Crazy56U: (pained) O-oh... J-joy... (eyes begin bleeding)

Sigma: Why does Fire Emblem need gifts.

JofY: I’m wondering why they’re looking for a gift to give an entire sub-species.

Scarlet: And I’m wondering which of the Mane Six has standards so low that they’re dating the draconic version of Shadow the Hedgehog.

SC276: I do not have nearly enough evens to deal with this. I mean, I can’t speak completely against OCxCanon without being hypocritical, but does it have to be with someone with such a stupid name?



As they continued walking, they were greeted by Ponyville Citizens.



Crazy56U: And they were armed with pitchforks and torches. Clearly they took

advantage of the Black Friday sales... ...wait, fuck, does Equestria have Black Friday?

CaptainPipsqueak: Black Magic Friday, yes.

Crazy56U: Great, now I’m imaging the Battle of Hogwarts, but done inside a Walmart

over cheap deals.

JofY: “I summon the great TV that is of terrible quality and I’m only buying because it’s 20% off! Slay my enemies! I command it!”

SC276: OK, let’s read that fic instead.

Scarlet: Fools. The true power of Black Friday comes through the human suffering of those who worked it. Actually, it’s a ritual designed to revitalize the powers of dark magic held every year.

SC276: Dammit, now I’m regretting that I stayed at home instead of going to the local Target that day to watch the chaos.



Nyx bounced happily before moving to the front as she asked curiously, "So mommy, what gifts are you going to give to daddy?"



Crazy56U: My guess? A subpoena.

CaptainPipsqueak: A ball-gag and handcuffs.

JofY: A pon- Wait…

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Have I ever told you how ‘divorces’ work, Nyx?”

DaeCat: Weird how Nyx assumes there will be more than one gift to Daddy.

Topher: So does this mean he won’t get mouth present this year?



Twilight hummed softly as she was having some thoughts, "I'm not very sure, but hopefully it's the best."



Crazy56U: Still guessing subpoena…

Scarlet: I’ve taken the liberty of filling one out just in case.

DaeCat: Yes Twilight, make sure ‘it’s’ the best gifts. I knew the multiple gifts remark wasn’t useless.

Topher: Of course! a hummer!

CaptainPipsqueak: The vehicle or a blowjob? Because really, it could be either.



She snickered a bit, "When having a mistletoe above on both of us, he's gonna be surprise and happy for it."



Crazy56U: Surprise? He’s going to become Surprise? Are you ripping off that story

where Pinkie turns out to be Twilight’s imaginary friend?

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I liked that story.

Crazy56U: So do I. Hence me being pissed over the potential plagiarism...

SC276: Is that anything like becoming hope so he can be retconned from existence?

JofY: So, is the gift going to be that Twilight is only going to allow her husband to kiss her once? I guess once you're an alicorn you can make others do whatever you want.

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Only for a bit, mind you. Then the drugs will start to take effect.”

Bucephalus: My new year's resolution is going to be burning every piece of mistletoe in existence.

Topher: Sounds like my kinda holiday!



Spike smirked, "Why do I get the feeling you really want that so much?"



Twilight giggled in amusement, "He is my love. And I love him."



SC276: He’s also repetitive.

Crazy56U: ...still still guessing subpoena…

Bucephalus: Can we just pretend that Twilight’s got Ebola and this is her terrible fever dream?



She sighed, "I still don't know what gifts he'll like."



Crazy56U: (is about to say something) ... ... (decides against it)

CaptainPipsqueak: I think I already covered that for you. You’re welcome.

SC276: He’s your boyfriend you love, and you have no idea what his interests are?

JofY: Do you think he’s interesting enough to have interests?

Bucephalus: Madam, if you need something for your love, may I suggest these pamphlets on poorly written characters?



"Speaking of gifts, where are daddy and Lance? I haven't seen them since this morning," Nyx asked.



RingmasterJ5: Oh fuck, Lance? Please don’t be the one I’m thinking of, please don’t be the one I’m thinking of…

Crazy56U: …”Arrow”-Lance, I take it? ...I mean, I haven seen “Arrow” yet, only the “Flash” spinoff, but...

RingmasterJ5: No, this is ponyfic we’re talking about, I mean the one from *shudder* Living the Dream.

Crazy56U: I… think I know that one… ...did some OC fuck Rainbow in that, and they had a child?

RingmasterJ5: No, Rainbow TRIED to fuck the OC, then murdered him (accidentally) when he rejected her.

Crazy56U: ...well, then.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, the papers called her “The Twenty-Percent Killer.”

Scarlet: I’m just going to hold out hope that Rainbow’s actually dating the Elite 4 member.

SC276: Talk about Bad Dragon...





Twilight hummed in concern, "I don't know. I just hope he doesn't push himself hard to get a good one for me.



Crazy56U: This is now reminding me of “Jingle All the Way”, and I’m kind of scared

about that implication.

Scarlet: Hey, at least we aren’t doing “Eight Crazy Nights”.

Bucephalus: At least Jingle All the Way had ‘put that cookie down.’

Topher: POOT EET DOUN! NAUGH!



Tao did mention whenever something special event happens, Shadow Dragon determined to get it done."



Crazy56U: I barely know who Shadow Dragon is, who the fuck is Tao?! Is it Shadow

Dragon’s imaginary friend or something? Is this actually meant to be a ripoff of

“Petriculture”?!

Scarlet: Taokaka, no! There’s bound to be new Blazblue material at some point, you don’t have to cameo here!

SC276: Especially not the one character from that series I actually kinda know!

Bucephalus: Guys… I’m scared. So many poorly written characters. Help!



"Hopefully not paranoid as you," Spike joked.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(adjusts her tin-foil hat) And what’s that supposed to mean?”



Twilight, Spike and Nyx laughed happily and amusement of what Spike had mention about.



RingmasterJ5: I’ve been trying to parse the last three sentences for nearly five minutes now and I STILL have no fucking clue what they mean.

Crazy56U: It’s fun to laugh at someone’s paranoia.

Scarlet: [Twilight, Spike, Nyx]: “Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

Bucephalus: Screw this. I’m going to go get a True Pacifist ending on Undertale. At least that makes sense.

DaeCat: [Twilight]: “Spike, that was a happy and amusement what you did mention about. Hold on, are we all the cardboard made of? I think we are all the cardboard made of.”



At the Jewelry Shop, Shadow Dragon was looking at the shinny



Crazy56U: ...ew?

Scarlet: Somebody stole my collection of shins! The nerve!

SC276: “You’ve got the Shinning!” “You mean the Shining.” “Shhh! You wanna get sued?”

Bucephalus: What does a skeleton tile his roof with? SHIN-Gles.

Topher: *Skeletal Laughter*



yet various own colorful jewelries. He was looking at them carefully. They were too great and beautiful for him to choose and take for his somepony special.



JofY: And it’d be improper to say her name even in narration.

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, he’s flat fucking broke.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or just doesn’t like her very much but is afraid to tell her.

DaeCat: So he just bought all of them. Good thing he’s a dragon.



Giving some irritated looks, he groaned in annoyance before slamming his head on the glass case.



Scarlet: [Shadow Dragon] “No, I can’t possibly pick one of these for my special somepony! They’re all far too nice for her!”

Crazy56U: And then the case smashed. Unfortunately, Shadow couldn’t take advantage of the situation and steal some jewelry… because he knocked himself out with that stunt.



"Hey buddy," Jewelry Shopkeeper exclaimed, "watch the glass. Or you'll be paying for that too."



RingmasterJ5: This story is slightly better if you imagine “Jewelry Shopkeeper” and “Ponyville Citizens” as single ponies with really unfortunate, specific names.

Crazy56U: Well, given that this is a world where “Shadow Dragon” and “Tao” are accepted names...

SC276: I’d like to hear Jewelry Shopkeeper’s backstory before the rest of this fic. Also, if this turns into Gift of the Magi, someone’s getting shanked.



Shadow Dragon sighed in annoyance before bowed in apologize to the shopkeeper.



Crazy56U: (SMASH!) Huh, I was joking that he’d do that...



Lance approached to his father from behind before patted on his back.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Approached to?”

Scarlet: “Bowed in apologise” as well, apparently.

Crazy56U: [Lance] “That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.”

SC276: British?

CaptainPipsqueak: The pig or Scarlet?

Bucephalus: Lance approached? He must be here to show off his dragon types!



"Dad, just choose," Lance begged, "Twilight likes anything.



JofY: It’s just a material representation of how much you truly care for her.

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) What a whore! (ding!)

Bucephalus: Now, for every OOC moment. (Counts) 13473246 Extra sins. Amazing.



And by the way, why don't you just give the necklace you made five days ago for her? She loves it, like what my real mom likes it."



Scarlet: Twilight likes anything. Dead rats, river mud, bedspreads with King Sombra’s face on them- she isn’t picky.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “But I made that out of macaroni and my own tears!”

SC276: He cries you a sweater of tears...



Shadow Dragon sighed in defeat before looking at Lance, "That's different, Lance. Your mom don't mind of my necklace-made, but Twilight is different.



RingmasterJ5: ...is this story even English anymore?

JofY: She demands a 2 year salary gift!

Crazy56U: I’m... I’m pretty sure the author was drunk while writing this…

CaptainPipsqueak: You’re just grasping at straws; you know that, right?

SC276: So wait, he doesn’t mean his homemade necklaces are good enough for her? And what’s this about real mom? Is this guy a father with someone else and if that’s the case, why is he dating not her? At least Fazpony had just the one OC!

Bucephalus: Wait.. If Lance’s mother is still alive, his father is Shadow Dragon, and Shadow Dragon is dating Twilight and still gives gifts to Lance’s mother… Either Polygamy is legal in Equestria, or Shadow Dragon is cheating.

CaptainPipsqueak: the answer is, of course, ‘Yes.’ Just ‘Yes’.”



I have to be sure of getting a good one - no - great one too."



Scarlet: Contacting the Great Ones is notoriously difficult from the inside of jewelry stores, but I suppose it would explain why you needed “shinny” pieces.

CatainPipsqueak: Here’s hoping he summons one of the ones that make you go insane just by looking at them. Granted, that’s most of them, but still...

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “Even if it means selling my bone marrow to be able to afford it, God damn it.”



As he turned to his right, Shadow Dragon gasped in shock and surprise.



JofY: He could turn to his right! He never knew he could do that!

CaptainPipsqueak: If he learns he can do that to the left, too, that’s gonna fuck his shit up.

SC276: What is this, Bunny Must Die!?

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “Oh, shit! THE COPS!”



He looked at the beautiful yet sparkling lavender star necklace. Shadow Dragon pointed at the necklace. The Jewelry Shopkeeper took it out and gave Shadow Dragon and his son to look at it.



Scarlet: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “Do you like it? It’s a hundred percent paste!”

Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “It’s 100% plastic!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Split the difference: pasteic.

Crazy56U: I’m more partial to plaste.



"So what do you think of it? It's wonderful and beautiful," Jewelry Shopkeeper smiled gleefully.



Shadow Dragon smiled, "It's perfect. This match Twilight's Cutie Mark."



CaptainPipsqueak: No, Twilight’s ‘mark is a group of stars. Firebug’s mark is a match.

Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “O-oh, th-that’s a shock… T-totally not deliberate or a-anythin- SHUT UP!”

JofY: What? You think this doesn’t happen often? Look how much jewelry there is of the President.



"Hmm humph..." Lance nodded his head while looking at the necklace in both unpleasant and frown,



CaptainPipsqueak: God, it’s like watching the birth of a unique lifeform, isn’t it?

Scarlet: Will I have to fight it before the end of the story? Should I prep the Mobile Fortress?

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; Goku’ll just come along and Spirit Bomb it like he does every bad guy he fights. Spammer.

Crazy56U: It comes in Unpleasant and Frown?! Oh boy, such variety!!!

Bucephalus: It lives! It Lives! Ahahahahahahahaha!



"Yeah, it's cool. But don't you think that you're... over exaggerating about the 'gifts' for mom?"



"Exaggerating?! Excuse me! I'm not!"



Crazy56U: I kind-of agree… You’re more underexaggerating than anything else…

SC276: That would require anyone to figure out what’s going on in the first place.



Shadow Dragon sighed in annoyance. He turned to the shopkeeper and said, "I'll take it."



Scarlet: He then beheaded the shopkeeper with a single blow, lifting the necklace high in triumph.

Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “‘Kay! (bludgeons Shadow Dragon to death with the necklace)”

Bucephalus: Plot twist. It’s from that one shop in Harry Potter. Shadow Dragon was suddenly slain by Dark Magic.



Jewelry Shopkeeper smiled, "Sold!"



Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “That’ll be $2,000,000!”



As both Shadow Dragon and Lance left the Jewelry Shop, they walked and headed off back to their home. Shadow Dragon took the Sparkling Star Necklace out while looking at it with his proud and glee smile. Lance gave the annoying looks.



Scarlet: A proud and glee smile? Yeah, I’d make sure to give someone my set of annoying looks too if they walked out with one of those. Smug bastard.

Crazy56U: Happiness is so annoying, am I right?

CaptainPipsqueak: Only if other people are feeling it.



"Your mother is gonna love it. I'm gonna make sure of it," Shadow Dragon said proudly.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, she’ll love it even if I have to kill her.

Crazy56U: Ooh boy, is he in for a disappointment...



Lance sighed, "Yeah sure, dad; why not? After all, she's the princess while you're the warrior. Your duty has to make sure that you get the right present for your princess..."



Scarlet: Actually, I believe that means his duty is to die horribly in combat for Twilight’s sake. I’m willing to assist!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a baseball bat) Same.

CaptainPipsqueak: Are chainsaws allowed, or is that considered unfair? Because I

have an axe if you’d rather that.

SC276: *pulls out a giant red button* This one’s more generic than most because this guy doesn’t have much of a personality to start with, but it’s going to be wicked.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ah; an element of randomness. I like.



Shadow Dragon turned and glared at Lance, "I don't really appreciate your sarcasm about what I'm doing."



CaptainPipsqueak: But we sure do!

Crazy56U: Dude, just accept the fact that your son low-key hates you.



"Come on, dad. You're overreacting and exaggerating over a 'perfect' gift for mom. She likes anything. After all, she's my real mom's reincarnation. She's no different."



Scarlet: Huh. I did not know that an internet document could make a record scratch noise, but I think mine just did.

JofY: Okay, that’s too OC. You have to remove another or you’ll be overbalance.

Crazy56U: ...we’re still talking about Twilight Sparkle, right?

SC276: OK, things have just gone straight on into what-the-hell-ville.



"Like you know anything about-!"



BUMP!



CaptainPipsqueak: Everybody bump!

Crazy56U: (eyes begin bleeding in fear)

Scarlet: The moderators closed the thread a few minutes later for necroposting.

JofY: My soul died long ago.

Bucephalus: I sold mine to Chara.



Shadow Dragon and Lance got pushed back hard.



Crazy56U: It was a cop coming to arrest them for pirating music… I think, you can’t

really understand him...



As they recovered, Shadow Dragon noticed something missing on his hoof. The Sparkling Star Necklace was missing.



Scarlet: Aside from the thing missing on his hoof, I mean.

JofY: Twilight’s guard everybody! Easily stolen from.

Crazy56U: And that’s what you get for whipping it out in public, Shadow Dragon. ...wait…

Bucephalus: As was the rest of his hoof.



"Where's the necklace," Shadow Dragon asked in shock and worry.



SC276: Yep, commas communicate shock and worry perfectly.

Crazy56U: As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked, as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension, suddenly, there was no necklace! There was no jewelry, no shinny, no thing called "Sparkling Star" to be held. There was nothing in the street but the puzzled ponies of courage, who suddenly found themselves alone with shadows and snow! With the empty hoof, one cloud lifts, and another descends. The Sparkling Star Necklace, rescued, alive, well, and of normal size, some eight thousand inches away in the jewelry store, with no memory of where it has been, or how it was separated from its glass case! Then who, or what, has landed here? Is it here yet? Or has the cosmic switch been pulled? Case in point: The line between science fiction and science fact is microscopically thin! You have witnessed the line being shaved even thinner! But is the menace with us? Or is the necklace gone?

SC276: ...what? Did we wind up in Braid or something?

Crazy56U: Context.



Lance shrugged before turned to his back.



Crazy56U: Oh, then I guess I quoted the ending “speech” from “Monster a Go-Go” for no reason then, oh well!



He spotted a bluish Earth Pony with black spiky mane and short tail who was holding the stolen necklace while running away.



Scarlet: I’m starting to like Lance. He was totally ready to just walk out and end the story right there if it weren’t for the fact that the plot literally shoved itself in his face.

SC276: Did they not see who they bumped into or something, if it was strong enough to knock them back?

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “Off to the pawn shop!!!”

Bucephalus: So… Lance is literally just us in literary form?

CaptainPipsqueak: So that’s where the suicidal thoughts were coming from!



Lance gasped, "There! He has it, dad!"



Shadow Dragon turned and groaned in annoyance, "No one's gonna steal the 'perfect' gift from me!"



SC276: I love how “perfect” is in quotes- er, apostrophes like that because it’s more like a title than any actual indication of perfection.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “I’m gonna fucking kill him…”



"Here we go again," Lance said in annoyance.



Scarlet: Fortunately, Lance had a recording of the Benny Hill theme saved for just such an occasion.

CaptainPipsqueak: Everyone should. You’d be amazed how much more fun doing your taxes is.

SC276: I’ll remember to put it on for next riff.

Crazy56U: Why wait?



Shadow Dragon and Lance galloped and charged straight at the Earth Pony who kept on running away from them both. The Earth Pony jumped on the three tops of crates to the building's top.



Scarlet: “One jump ahead of the bread line/One swing ahead of the sword/I only steal what I can’t afford (and that’s everything!)”~

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “PARKOUR!”



They both got up at once while continued charging and chasing after him. While running away from them, he dodged the obstacles that stand his ways while jumped over the gap between two buildings.



Scarlet: Huh. Apparently I wasn’t far off. I hereby name this thief “Street Rat”.

SC276: What about “Riff Raff” and “Scoundrel”?

Crazy56U: Riff Raff? Street Rat? I don’t buy that… Scoundrel, on the other hand...



For the long moment had passed in chasing on the thief, Shadow Dragon and Lance cornered the Earth Pony to the end of building's edge. They both breathed heavily while glaring at him. He was in shock and worry.



Scarlet: It’s adjacent to the town of Cahoots.

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “Holy crap, you mean this chase scene was pointless?!”



"Now... Be a good criminal," Shadow Dragon breathed heavily, "give me back that necklace!"



CaptainPipsqueak: “Or be an even better criminal and escape from me!”

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “That… is the literal opposite of what a ‘good criminal’ should

do…”



Lance nodded his head, "Trust me, pal. My dad is not a very easy guy."



CaptainPipsqueak: No, his dad is complex. Like a puzzle with infinite pieces.

Scarlet: A man of wheels within wheels, you might say.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or a Sudoku with a unique number placement.

JofY: Not a simple mind in the slightest.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, your father got robbed, and you still low-key hate him...



Earth Pony gulped in worry, "Wish I could say 'Sorry' but no thanks!"



Scarlet: My joke name was better.

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “The word ‘Sorry’ is a myth, you sheep! WAKE UP!”



Earth Pony Thief took the pie out and thrown right at Shadow Dragon's face.



JofY: Took the pie out of where? The alley way?

Crazy56U: I wanna say his ass, but I don’t like that implication.

SC276: Yeah, sure, a thief that bumps into people to steal necklaces carries a pie on him for throwing at people. Who is this, Pinkie Pie?

CaptainPipsqueak: Maybe… maybe the thief threw Pinkie Pie?

Bucephalus: I’m just going to assume that Shadow Dragon got pranked, and the necklace was actually a pie.



Lance charged in to punch at the thief, but got swiped and kicked to the ground.



Scarlet: Street Rat grew up his whole life fighting for each meal! You ponies who have never known hardship are no match for his swipe-kick-pie combo!

Crazy56U: How did you fuck that up?



The Earth Pony quickly ran off at once.



Crazy56U: What the fuck is it with blue-tinted beings and their need to gotta go fast?



Lance grunted in annoyance while getting up. He turned and looked at the angry Shadow Dragon who wiped and cleaned the pie off.



"Okay... No mister nice guy! After him!" Shadow Dragon cried in anger.



Scarlet: “Stop, Thief!/Vandal!/Outrage!/Scandal!~”

SC276: Let’s not be too hasty…

Crazy56U: (deep sigh)



Lance sighed in annoyance, "I wonder if Spike and Nyx had the same problem with Twilight before..."



Scarlet: Nah, Twilight’s generally too busy solving actual problems. See? She’s fighting a bugbear coming in the other direction!

JofY: You mean, has Spike and Nyx had trouble with Twilight stealing her gifts?

Crazy56U: Did Lance seriously fucking forget what was going on, that has no bearing

on the given situation!

Bucephalus: I now have an image of Superman looking at Metropolis, and going, ‘well, at least I didn’t do it as poorly as Batman.’



For couple minutes had passed, Shadow Dragon and Lance continued chasing after the Earth Pony thief to the alley.



SC276: How the hell do you keep a chase up for more than one minute that doesn’t involve motor vehicles?

CaptainPipsqueak: Horses can keep up a gallop for a good while. Just sayin’.

Crazy56U: Horses are able to do ridiculous things, friend. Look at “Back to the Future: Part III”! Six horses from 1885 were completely willing to drag the DeLorean for up to 20 MPH, despite not knowing what the fuck it was!



As three of them looked tired, both of them jumped and slammed him to the ground hard while the necklace fell off from his hoof.



Scarlet: They both jumped on him. All three of them. Well, apparently either Shadow Dragon or Lance is actually a combining robot, capable of separating into component parts.

Crazy56U: My money is on the chase somehow caused time travel to happen and they bumped into their past selves...



Shadow Dragon grabbed and held Earth Pony Thief's neck tight, "I won't ask again. Give me back that jewelry now!"



Scarlet: Hey, he’s gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat!

SC276: He’ll tell you all about it when he’s got the time.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “Does Shadow Dragon have to choke a bitch?!”



"Daddy?" The little cute filly's voice called.



JofY: What a shock. An alleyway non-rapist has a small child to take care of. Tis the season for cliches.

CaptainPipsqueak: And why can’t it be an ugly filly? You never hear about ugly fillies and that’s unfair.

Crazy56U: My money is on this being a father-daughter team...



Three ponies stopped from what they were doing. They looked up and spotted a yellowish Unicorn with brown short mane and tail. Dr. Cabelleron and his three goones holding her. She looked worry, "Are you alright? Did they hurt you?"



Scarlet: Is this a character I should know about, or should I just assume that the author is using stuff from their personal canon?

JofY: I’m wondering where all these other ponies came in from. I mean, at least four different ponies entered in one character description.

Crazy56U: This… doesn’t exactly disprove my theory… If anything, it makes me think the daughter also befriended a gang…

Bucephalus: Cabelleron? Wasn’t he up with Daring Do? What’s he doing in a dark alley with a cute little filly… *Vomits*



As both Shadow Dragon and Lance got off from the Earth Pony, the latter quickly got up at once while looking at her, "No. Jewel. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Don't worry. Daddy is here to get you out of here."



Scarlet: Huh. Apparently Street Rat’s kid really is a diamond in the rough.

SC276: So wait. This guy was blackmailed by the mad doctor into stealing Twilight’s Christmas present? Am I reading that right? The fuck?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m actually kinda worried that you were able to follow the story well enough to reach that conclusion.

Crazy56U: Or Dr. Canada (because fuck the actual name) is actually a loan shark...



Both Shadow Dragon and Lance were in shock and surprise of it. They looked at it as they were waiting for something happen.



"Did you get what worth my while, Clutter?" Dr. Cabelleron demanded calmly.



Scarlet: I liked my name better.

Crazy56U: Is… is this going to turn into porn?



Clutter held the Sparkling Star Necklace while giving it to Dr. Cabelleron, "Here. That's all I had. It should cover the payment I owe from you. Please! Let her go! I held my bargain!"



Scarlet: [Clutter] “It’s right here, in my saddlebags! I had my lawyer triple check the wording!”

SC276: OK, so it’s just the evil mortgage-foreclosurer deal.

Crazy56U: So… he is a loan shark!



Dr. Cabelleron looked at it closely before huffed in annoyance, "Nope. I'm afraid it's not good enough. It appears... you had fail, my little friend. Finish her."



Scarlet: Ah, yes, disposing of your hostage while there are two witnesses and in a scenario where you’re likely to create an angry pony hell bent on revenge with nothing left to lose. Classic villain strategy.

JofY: And if that fails he can always just burn down the village killing everyone except the only one that can stop him.

SC276: This whole fic has fail.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Mortal Kombat. ...well, I’m fucked; the only fighting game series I’ve played extensively is Super Smash Bros., so…

CaptainPipsqueak: “Welcome to die.”



Three goons smiled with pleasure. The blackish muscular pony held Jewel as he prepared to attack.



Scarlet: His coat was only sort of black, more of a tinted dark gray, we’re really not sure.

CatainPipsqueak: As long as there was no sign of red I’m okay with this.

Crazy56U: Because, as we all know, if you’re a goon, you don’t deserve to have a name.

Bucephalus: Goon Requirements: 1. Likes killing things. 2. IQ lower than a snail. 3. Having no name.



Lance came before him as he punched the latter's face hard. Lance grabbed Jewel on his back. The shaded white pony was about to attack Lance. Shadow Dragon kicked the thug off. A blackish fedora hatted brown pony was about to punch but got punched by both Shadow Dragon and Lance.



Scarlet: And thus ends the story of Nice Guy, only in this fic for a minute and a half.

JofY: You sure? I mean, at least one of those ponies had to have time powers with how many times the tense changed.

SC276: They saw Jane run.

CaptainPipsqueak: Lucky bitch. Run, Jane, run.

Crazy56U: What a tense and suspenseful fight, Author; drunken parking lot brawls

have better choreography...



With three thugs defeated, both Shadow Dragon and Lance backed off to the back.



CaptainPipsqueak: They tried fronting off, once; the less said the better.

Crazy56U: To the back, to the back. To the back, to the back. Everything you own to

the box in the back.



Lance gave Jewel to Clutter. He and his father turned and glared at Dr. Cabelleron.



Scarlet: And to make matters worse, that’s when Dr. Cabelleron got a telegram from Bad Horse informing him that his membership in the Evil League of Evil had been revoked.

Crazy56U: Why didn’t Dr. Canada not take part in the fight? Did he think he was too good for it?!



"Who are you?! How dare you interrupt my work?!" Dr. Cabelleron demanded angrily.



Scarlet: Just an OC love interest who happened to be passing by. Remember that!

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, so many OCs have popped out of nowhere I’m being forced to take notes…

JofY: There will be a test on it.

Crazy56U: Yes, your work of… holding children hostage...

Bucephalus: Alright Cap, what is the name of our protagonist? A) Bill Clinton, B) Shadow Dragon, C) Who-Gives-A-Crap, or D) Why are you still reading?



Shadow Dragon narrowed his angry eyes at Dr. Cabelleron, "I'm Shadow Dragon. And I believe you had something that doesn't belong to you..."



Scarlet: Well, now we know who’s been borrowing Mr. Potato Head’s angry eyes.

SC276: And replaced them with shoes, apparently.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “My heart…”



Dr. Cabelleron yelped in shock of what he had heard. Lance pointed at the former's right hoof as Dr. Cabelleron looked at hi.



Crazy56U: Hi. (waves)



He yelped in fear as he found and realized something.



Scarlet: [Dr. Cabelleron] “I left the oven on! My Hearth’s Warming meal has burned to a crisp!”

SC276: [Dr. Cabelleron] “I’m trapped in a terrible fanfic!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Dr. Cabelloron] “I’m naked!” … “Oh, wait.”

Crazy56U: [Dr. Canada] “Oh fuck, I don’t know how to fight!”

JofY: [Dr. Cabelleron] “I’m not an actual doctor, I’m a nurse!”



"Oh, pony-feathers," Dr. Cabelleron exclaimed in shock before dropped the necklace down while he frantically explain, "



JofY: “I have a condition that rapidly changes my emotions you bastard! My life is meaningless…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Sort of like manic depression but way funnier.

Crazy56U: And then the necklace shattered into a billion pieces. This led to Shadow

Dragon murdering him. THE END.



Please wait! You had it wrong! Honest! I'm not the one who stole it! It was my thug! He-!"



Scarlet: Meanwhile, Clutter and Jewel grabbed the necklace and escaped in the confusion to start a new life somewhere.

Crazy56U: ...yes, it was one of your thugs. Thanks for restating established information.

CaptaianPipsqueak: “I didn’t steal it; somepony else stole it for me! I’m the victim here!”



"Quiet!" Shadow Dragon demanded angrily. Dr. Cabelleron was silenced for the moment.



JofY: Then, he brought out the trombone.

CaptainPipsqueak: *BWOMP*

Crazy56U: Hello darkness, my old friend...



He continued, "Stealing the jewel is one thing, but kidnapping the child is unforgivable. If I ever see you tried to held hostage, I'll be coming for you!"



Scarlet: Yeah! If you ever try to be held hostage, you won’t escape the wrath of Shadow Dragon!



Dr. Cabelleron yelped in shock, "Yes, sir! It won't happen!"



SC276: I should hope not, otherwise we’ll probably have to riff it.

Crazy56U: He went out to hold more hostage 10 minutes later...



Dr. Cabelleron quickly turned and left the area at once. His thugs recovered from the attack and left the area at once.



SC276: They couldn’t just puff into nonexistence like RPG enemies, so they had to improvise.

Crazy56U: And then Crazy56U got up and left the area at once. (gets up and leaves)



As soon as their enemy left, Shadow Dragon and Lance turned and glance at both Clutter and Jewel who were hugging each other happily and passionately. Chatter and Jewel turned and looked at the former.



Scarlet: Clutter had left to pursue his calling in the next Broadway production of Aladdin.

Crazy56U: (comes back) No, Clutter was his code name. Think “Slice of Life”, but dumb.



"Thank you. Thank you so much," Clutter said happily before taking the necklace up and gave it to Shadow Dragon, "And I'm sorry of what I just did. Here take it."



Before Shadow Dragon could take it, he asked, "Were you poor? Is that why Dr. Cabelleron took advantage of you?"



Scarlet: [Clutter] “Apparently he realized I’m much better at getting shiny things than his thugs!”

Crazy56U: Phrasing.



Clutter nodded his head, "Yes... It's true. I want to make something special for her. But I'm out of woods to make it.



SC276: What is this, Chipper & Sons Lumber Co.?

Crazy56U: Wait, are we in the forest now? I thought they were in an alley...



Besides, making something is enough for my loved one to get as long she's happy," He sighed in shame, "Somehow I really wish I could have it right now..."



Scarlet: Hmmm, good effort, Clutter. Roll a charisma check!

Crazy56U: [Clutter] “Sure wish I had a necklace to give my child… (cough cough)”



Heard of what Clutter had said, Shadow Dragon had some thoughts.



CaptainPipsqueak: Rare is the OC that can have more than one at a time.



He smiled as he took it and hung over Jewel's neck. Clutter looked shock and surprise of what he saw.



Scarlet: Success!

Crazy56U: Oh, come on Clutter, you deliberately did that and you knew that.



"I believe you already did," Shadow Dragon said calmly. Clutter looked dumbfounded by Shadow Dragon giving the gift to his daughter. Looking at Jewel, he continued, "This jewel means something, Jewel.



JofY: What? No… It doesn’t. You literally just bought it from a shop. It could have been a bar of gold, and it would still have the same amount of maguffinness.

Crazy56U: (deader-than-deadpan) Oh. I get it. That is a funny. Ha. Ha. Ha.



I want you treasured it well. This belong to your father. He worked so hard to save you.



JofY: Stealing one item = Hard work

Crazy56U: Hey now, he also had to run for a long ass time and try and avoid getting

beaten to death...



Think you can handle it?"



SC276: I can’t.

Crazy56U: I think what you really mean is “Can you dig it?”, pal...



Jewel giggled happily, "No problem."



Scarlet: [Jewel] “I’m taking this straight to our fence. We’re going to eat for days on this!”

Crazy56U: [Jewel] “I’m gonna pawn it later!”



Shadow Dragon smiled as he patted on her head gently. He stood up as he turned and looked at Clutter.



Clutter was still dumbfounded and shocked. Shadow Dragon spoke, "Let's say... You convinced me about something very important than just a jewel.



JofY: People Ponies can have reasons for doing things.

Crazy56U: ...is it love?



Making one is what counts to make someone happy.



JofY: Making a jewel is what makes someone happy? So, we should all should become jewelers? We need to name more children jewel? No, seriously. What?

Crazy56U: Called it.



Promise me that you get a good job than working with someone like Dr. Cabelleron."



Scarlet: Yeah, don’t you dare collaborate with someone who’s kidnapped your daughter ever again!

Crazy56U: Or anyone whose name is stupid.



Clutter nodded his head, "I understand. Thank you. I won't let you down."



SC276: [Clutter] “I will totally fail you now.”

Crazy56U: He will never interact with anypony, aside from his daughter, ever again.



"Good," Shadow Dragon said before patted on Clutter's back gently, "Now go and enjoy your Hearth's Warming Eve with your daughter."



Crazy56U: Uh, wait, do they even have a place to live, or are they also homeless?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes.



With a nod, Clutter smiled. He turned and held his daughter in his back before headed off. Shadow Dragon smiled in relief and happy in seeing both Clutter and Jewel being together.



Scarlet: Relief and happy? That’s almost too much emotion!

SC276: Isn’t this supposed to be about the Mane 6 and their boyfriends? Can you at least give me characters I’ll freakin’ recognize?

Crazy56U: Maybe it’s actually for the best the Mane 6 haven’t appeared that much in this, given the riveting characterization we’ve gotten so far...



Lance whistled happily, "That's impressive of you, dad. I thought you would be greedy about keeping it for mom."



JofY: Like none of the previous scenes that included a moment where he was gready.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, dude, what did Shadow Dragon ever do to you? It’s Christmas time! Stop low-key hating your dad!



Shadow Dragon snorted a bit, "Let's say you were right from the beginning. Your mother taught you well. I just hope Twilight likes it."



Scarlet: She won’t, but it’s Hearth’s Warming so she’ll at least make an effort not to embarrass you in front of the kid.

Crazy56U: No, I think she’d prefer an actual present...



"She will. I promise you that," Lance said calmly.



Shadow Dragon nodded his head as he and Lance left the alley at once.



At the Friendship Rainbow Kingdom,



SC276: are you fucking kidding me

Crazy56U: ...so, the Crystal Death Place then?



the Sparkle Family had been gathered at the fireplace.



Scarlet: Anyone else feel like we’re missing like twenty chapters or so?

SC276: With ya there, brother.

Crazy56U: They took those pages and used them for kindling, obviously.



Lance was telling his story about his adventures to both Nyx and Spike who were impressed and amazed. Dragoking was outside sleeping in his large kennel since he was going to have a long hibernation before the spring.



Scarlet: Make that thirty?

SC276: I hate starting in the middle. At least with the Fazpony one, it was a crossover with a thing I freakin’ understood.

Crazy56U: ...theory: Draoking is actually Nyx’s pet turtle.



Shadow Dragon was talking with Twilight Sparkle. They both were neared to the fireplace.



Captain Pipsqueak: ...by a strange alien force...

Crazy56U: Fire turns them on.



As Shadow Dragon hung a circled shaped with a Lavender Star Shaped with Sakura Flower Symbol necklace around her neck,



SC276: Ya sure you got enough capital letters there, bubbah?

Crazy56U: I’m more interested in “circled shaped”...



he spoke, "That's how it happen, Twilight. I'm sorry I couldn't get a good one."



Scarlet: One, leave the pointless anime references to me. Two, if we’re going to reference cherry blossoms at least let me have my fun!

JofY: [Twilight] “Well, it’s not like you payed too much on it.”

[Shadow] “Uhh…”

Crazy56U: Please, based on name alone, this necklace is better than the last one.



Twilight sighed before nuzzling on his head gently, "Oh stop it.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “God, Lance is right, you’re fucking worthless…”



Besides, I don't need something special." She then looked at her necklace, "But what mattes the most is a gift you had for me. It's a perfect one."



Scarlet: [Twilight] “-out of ten, but hey, you tried.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “...I wish it was cash, but, eh…”



"Thank you, Twilight."



"I have something for you."



CaptainPipsqueak: (Twilight) “Oh shit; I left the bullets at home.”

Crazy56U: (crosses fingers) Subpoena, subpoena, subpoena...



Twilight passed a box.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yeesh. And I though passing a kidney-stone was tough...

Crazy56U: (continues crossing fingers) Subpoena-in-a-box, subpoena-in-a-box,

subpoena-in-a-box...



As Shadow Dragon opened it, he gasped in surprise as he looked at the golden dragon crest.



Scarlet: [Shadow Dragon] “It’s made of real paper mache!”

Crazy56U: DAMN IT, it’s an actual gift...



"Is that... Golden Dragon Symbol?" Shadow Dragon asked in shock and surprise.



JofY: Guys! Guys! It’s a design! Wow! Wow! Holy- I mean, I can’t believe it’s a design!

CaptainPisqueak: And made out of paper mache, too!

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “This is even better than that Golden Mario Amiibo I

wanted!”



Twilight nodded her head. He chuckled a bit, "But how? I remember that very day when Mystic Realm was attacked, it was destroyed.



Crazy56U: Good for you, I don’t.



That last one was given by my father for my birthday. How did you know?"



Scarlet: Yeah we skipped about forty chapters. Are you sure that this guy’s works don’t count as ‘ongoing’ for our remaining slot, because I’d love to see the rest of them!

SC276: I wouldn’t.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(shrug) I guessed.”



Twilight smiled in impress as her horn glowed.



JofY: Ewww… Put that away, put that away.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God; I think I’m having a seizure...

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “You talk too much. (ZAAAAAAAAAP!)”

THE END



The mistletoe levitated above both her and Shadow Dragon, "Let's say... I have someone to thank for."



Shadow Dragon smiled back as well, "Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Princess."



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Thanks, meatshield.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “That’s not my name, dipshit. (ZAAAAAAAAAP!)”

THE END



"And to you as well, my Warrior," Twilight smiled.



Both Shadow Dragon and Twilight Sparkle kissed on each other's lips gently yet passionately for a long moment.



Scarlet: The longest three seconds of all time.

SC276: Whoever’s using the time magic, stop it!

Crazy56U: Calling back to my Smash Bros. comment, I think the Author is using a Timer right now...



"This is... a perfect gift..." Twilight Sparkle and Shadow Dragon thought happily.



Scarlet: Of all who give gifts, they were the wisest. Of all who receive gifts, they are the wisest. They are the magi.

SC276: Well not these guys in particular, but some other ones in a fic with proper sentences.

Crazy56U: No, neither of them are a perfect gift. Now, a Wii U, now that’s something...



The End...



Crazy56U: Doubtful, here’s more shorts...



Main Casts:

Matt Lanter: Shadow Dragon



Crazy56U: Well, no wonder Lance low-key hated his father. His dad was CLONE WARS ANAKIN SKYWALKER?!



Tara Strong: Twilight Sparkle

Jesse McCartney: Lance Justicestrike



Crazy56U: Oh, and Lance was also a CGI chipmunk. Cooooool.



Deveigh Chase: Nyx



Crazy56U: Lilo from “Lilo and Stitch”? ...eh, I can see her voicing Nyx, actually...



Cathy Waseluck: Spike

Richard Ian Cox: Jewelry Shopkeeper, Clutter



Crazy56U: Huh, and to think that Snails was his better character...



Michael Dobson: Dr. Cabelleron



Crazy56U: Huh, and to think that Bulk Biceps was his better character...



Rebecca Shoichet: Jewel



Crazy56U: Annnd rounding out the fake cast list… is Sunset Shimmer. ...okay....

SC276: A freakin’ cast list, are you kidding me.

Scarlet: “Greg Cipes: Lightning Dawn.”

JofY: “Me: Not Caring.”

CaptainPipsqeak: And featuring James Earl Jones as the voice of Mufasa.



Preview:



CaptainPipsqueak: So we know exactly how much shit we’ll be getting in...

SC276: Oh wait, these are different chapters? OK, I’ve stopped caring.

Crazy56U: Oh, come on Author, there was no Preview character in this! Also, you forgot to add an actor to “voice” them!



Apple Treats: Want to make a special treat for Applejack, Caramel determined to do it. With both Apple Bloom and Big Mac to distract Applejack while Granny Smith helped Caramel, can the special treat be done for tonight?



Scarlet: All signs point to ‘bad idea’.

Crazy56U: The treat is meth, isn’t it?



Suggest and Review...



SC276: I suggest you stop now before you really get yourself hurt.

Crazy56U: No, thanks.



To Cat Stat Ave, sorry for that mess.



Crazy56U: (violent laughter)

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah; gonna need someone to point out where the mess was specifically....



I kinda put the wrong documents. But it's already fix. Chapter 1 is confirmed to be for MLP.



RingmasterJ5: For context, when this fic was originally uploaded the author had a Transformers fic in its place by mistake because that’s apparently a thing you can just do on FFNet and no one really gives a shit.

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s FFNet. Not giving a shit is the standard.

SC276: Picked the wrong document upload, huh? This is why you have to be careful with this shit.

Crazy56U: (laughter increases)



So enjoy the reading of this story.



JofY: No thank you.

Crazy56U: I doubt it.

CaptainPipsqueak: I can just imagine how much fun it would be if this sap spoke in the same way he typed.



Short 2: Apple Treats



During the Hearth's Warming Eve; Applejack, Big Mac and Apple Bloom were busy in selling their apples to the customers and citizens of Ponyville for special treats and dinner tonight. They determined to get it down as soon as possible for tonight's dinner.



Scarlet: Big demand for apples during Hearth’s Warming, don’tcha know. Baked apple goods? Who needs ‘em?

Crazy56U: As we all know, winter is the best time for apple harvests!

CaptainPipsqueak: They come out extra crunchy!



As the Apple Siblings finished selling their apples to the customers, they took a break for the moment.



Applejack took a long sip of her apple cider. She sighed in relief, "That was a relief. Selling apple business is sure busy."



Scarlet: Yeah, selling your business can be taxing. Don’t worry, I’m sure Flim and Flam will do absolutely nothing horrible with it!

SC276: Season 5 finale has aired, by the way; they do horrible with it.

Crazy56U: Hey, at least they didn’t turn the world into a wasteland like… whoever was the cause of the last Bad Future...



Big Mac nodded his head, "Eeyup."



"Yeah, so what's next after we sell the apples," Apple Bloom asked curiously.



Scarlet: Having never experienced Hearth’s Warming before, apparently.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Apple Bloom, that was a stupid question.”



"We go home," Applejack answered calmly before wiping her sweats off from her forehead.



Scarlet: Her yoga pants were left in place.

SC276: [Applejack] “Notice I said that in a manner that suggests it was freakin’ obvious.”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Ya see?”



Both Big Mac and Apple Bloom yelped in shock and worry.



Crazy56U: ...because home is bad- oh, wait, Caramel is making his whatever for

Applejack at home, duh.



She continued, "After all, Granny Smith need us to cook some special Apple Treats. We don't want to have a cranky granny at home."



Big Mac gulped in concern before smiling, "Eeyup."



Scarlet: I don’t blame the guy. Last time Granny Smith had a tantrum, she actually managed to extinguish some of the joy in the universe forever.

Crazy56U: ...what?



Apple Bloom approached to Applejack and spoke, "Come on, sis. I think granny can handle it by herself."



SC276: Yeah, if you don’t want them done by Hearth’s Warming.

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, back at home, Granny is dead on the floor.



"Huh? Why is that? Apple Bloom?" Applejack asked suspiciously while raising her right eyebrow.



JofY: “WHERE DID YOU BURY THE BODY!?!”

SC276: The specific eyebrow is very important.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Did you burn down the house again?”



Apple Bloom gulped in fear while struggled and frantically to spoke, "Well... Because... She had a help!"



Scarlet: Not a big help or a little help mind you. Just “a help”.

Crazy56U: Or a “help” is some kind of energy drink...



"Apple Bloom!" Big Mac scolded Apple Bloom.



"From Saber Dragoon," Apple Bloom answered quickly, "Granny Smith told me this morning before we left that she was having a help from him to cook the Apple Treats. And you won't believe what else she asked us to do."



Scarlet: I’m thinking sponge bath.

CaptainPisqueak: Thank you for that image. Sleep is overrated anyway.

SC276: “Saber Dragoon” sounds like a Final Fantasy class.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Apple Bloom, I’ve told you a thousand times, your imaginary friend has better things to do than help out Granny!”



"Really?" Applejack asked suspiciously.



Apple Bloom smiled while bouncing up and down, "Yeah! With him around, we're gonna have lots of time in finding and buying the best presents for our Hearth's Warming Eve! Won't that be fun?"



Scarlet: It will not.

Crazy56U: And now, Hotel Mario.



Big Mac smiled, "Eeyup."



Crazy56U: See above.



Applejack hummed softly while showing her suspicious eyes at her siblings, who remained smiling weakly and fearfully. She sighed in defeat.



Scarlet: Meta-Applejack sees the romantic comedy tropes approaching but can do nothing to stop them.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “I’m too drunk for this…”



"Alright. As soon as we're done with our business, we go to some shops for some cooking ingredients and good stuffs for tonight's.



SC276: ...tonight’s what?

Crazy56U: Tonight’s dinner, obviously.



Just hopefully we don't want to take it too long. We don't want Granny Smith to be crankier and crazy again."



Scarlet: [Applejack] “I can still feel her cane.” *shudders*

SC276: Hoping you don’t want something feels like some specific form of unhealthy denial.

Crazy56U: I thought she was taking meds for that...



"Trust us. You won't regret it. We're not making it long," Apple Bloom smiled.



Big Mac nodded his head, "Eeyup."



JofY: *Audible wink*

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “NOIMNOTBEINGSUSPICIOUS!”

[Big Mac] “(nods head furiously) YEP”



Applejack took and dressed her white apron up, "Right. Let's get the work done."



Scarlet: She dressed the apron as a pretty pony princess. Pinkie was pleased.

SC276: Does anyone else hear headdesking?

Crazy56U: And thus Applejack decided “Fuck apples, time to be a nurse!”



As Applejack took off at once,



Crazy56U: Where was she going without ever knowing the way?



Big Mac and Apple Bloom sighed in relief. Big Mac gave Apple Bloom a glare. Apple Bloom yelped in shock.



JofY: “Ack! Attention! Get it away from me!”

Crazy56U: Oh my God, Big Mac is showing an emotion! PANIC!



"Don't look at me, Big Mac. I didn't tell her about him, okay?" Apple Bloom argued. Big Mac snorted a bit. She continued, "Besides; I said Saber Dragoon, and didn't mention 'you know who'."



Scarlet: I’m just going to point out that this OC’s name is basically Sword Gunman.

JofY: The Saber one or the name not known yet?

SC276: Let’s go with both.

Crazy56U: Or neither. Neither is good.



Big Mac sighed, "Eeyup."



"We're gonna keep her here until tonight. Besides, he's a great cooker wasn't he? With Saber Dragoon and Granny Smith's help, he will get it like a lickety-split!"



Scarlet: Hey, Lickety Split doesn’t deserve this! I’m sure there’s a better story you could use him in!

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, back at home, Mystery Pony was dead on the floor.



"Eenope."



"What?! You're not serious that he's gonna mess the cook up again?"



CaptainPipsqueak: The last time, the bruises took two weeks to clear up!

Crazy56U: See above.



"Eeyup..."



Apple Bloom sighed in defeat, "Well... We're gonna keep her here a long time..."



Big Mac nodded his head, "Eeyup..."



Scarlet: [Apple Bloom] “I’ll go knock her out, you get the portable solitary confinement chamber.”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “(pulls out a bottle of chloroform) Leave it to me…”



Big Mac and Apple Bloom took their apron and dressed up as they both helped Applejack in selling the apples to the citizens at once. Hopefully, they had to hold her for long till tonight. They prayed that their friends had the Apple Treats down by tonight.



Scarlet: Otherwise, we might have to resort to wacky hijinks!

CaptainPipsqueak: Ooh! Can they be zany too? Pleasepleaseplease?

JofY: Only if you’re good Pipsqueak. Only if you’re good.

Crazy56U: How much longer until “Apple Treats” becomes “Apple Treats™”?



At the Sweet Apple Acre,



SC276: Just the one acre. It was feeling left out.

Crazy56U: The rest of it burnt to the ground in an avoidable incident.



Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon were helping a familiar friend in dealing and cooking the foods for tonight special: Apple Treats.



SC276: We get it author, it’s only been stated four times by now.

Crazy56U: ™.



For nearly whole afternoon, the kitchen was a disaster and mess as Caramel



Crazy56U: (deadpan) Oh, what a shock.



struggled in getting the right cooking for the Apple Treat.



Scarlet: Not apple pies, apple crumbles, apple muffins, apple trifle, apple cake, or even apple strudel. Just “Apple Treat”. Also apparently a name.

CaptainPipsqueak: They tried an Apple Trick once, but it took a day to put the fires out.

Crazy56U: ™.



As Caramel added some sugar into the soup, Granny Smith whacked her stick on his left hoof hard. He yelped painfully.



SC276: Is Caramel someone else’s boyfriend OC, or…?

Crazy56U: [Caramel] “OH GOD, MY HOOF IS BROKEN”

[Granny Smith] “Serves ya right…”



"You're putting too much on it!" Granny Smith complained angrily.



CaptainPipsqueak: (Granny Smith) “Also in it! … I’m not senile!”

JofY: Wow, Granny is being violent here.

SC276: Granny’s had enough of your shit.

Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “I didn’t serve in the War just to let you fuck this up, maggot!”



"Sorry," Caramel muttered in upset as he took some sips of yellowish sticky honey soup out



Scarlet: These lines would later be recycled for a rather different sort of fic.

JofY: A good one?

Crazy56U: Relax, it’s just honey mustard. ...really crappy honey mustard.



. He continued stirring the soup gently and calmly, "Like this? Gently and calmly?"



"Yes..." Granny Smith nodded her head calmly.



CaptainPipsqueak: And gently. Get with the program, Granny.

Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “I’ll spare you this evening.”



She then shouted angrily,



Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “PSYCHE!”



"Make sure you stir them properly, Caramel! Not too slow! Not too fast! Not too hard! Not too gentle! And you'd better make sure that the Apple Treat have to be good! Or else we're gonna do it again and again until you get it right! Do you get me, pal?!"



Scarlet: Those who fail at creating baked goods will be flayed alive. It is Apple Family Law!

JofY: I think Gordon Ramsey creates less stress than Granny Smith is here.

SC276: Someone close the kitchen!

Crazy56U: Granny’s like five seconds away from straight up beating Caramel to death...



"Yes, ma'am!" Caramel exclaimed in fear as he quickly deal the stirring on Apple Treat.



Scarlet: I can’t even this sentence.

JofY: Are sure?

Crazy56U: ™. Also, I think Caramel just pissed himself in fear.



As nervous, worry and fearful; Caramel struggled in getting the right cook of Apple Treat.



Crazy56U: ™.



He had some sweats shedding out from his body as he continued cooking the Apple Treat.



Crazy56U: ™.

SC276: Apple Treat Apple Treat, Apple Treat. Apple Treat? Apple Treat!

Crazy56U: ™ ™, ™. ™? ™!



"You'll be fine," Saber Dragoon said calmly, "I promise you that."



Scarlet: [Saber Dragoon] “I’ll make sure to execute you cleanly and painlessly before you ever incur Granny’s rage.”

JofY: ‘“You’ll be fine,” Saber Dragoon said calmly, placing a hoof onto his shoulder and pulling out the tongue.’

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “Your death shall be swift and painless.”



Caramel sighed, "Easy to say than done."



SC276: Is English this author’s second language?

Crazy56U: More like 8th...



"Not everyone can get the right cooking. When I was a teen, I used to be a lousy cook. The only thing I'm good at is battling and fighting."



Scarlet: Just once I’d love someone’s bullshit OC to be a god-tier accountant or something.

JofY: Wasn’t that one our previous stories?...

SC276: Stop reminding me of that atrocity of the English language!

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “All I know how to do is be Batman, God I suck!”



"So, how did you manage to get it done?"



Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.”



"Let's say I've got some family's support and help to do it.



Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “Also, drugs.”

SC276: That just reminds me of that vine with the owl.



If I can do the cooking well, then so can you."



Caramel had some thoughts of what Saber Dragoon had said, he smiled and turned to the latter. He nodded his head, "Yeah, you're right. I can't give up now! Applejack need this. I'm gonna make it happen!"



Scarlet: Oh yeah! He’s gotta believe!

SC276: He’s filled with determination. Let’s fill him with more so he can melt.

Crazy56U: But the world refused to change.



Granny Smith smirked, "Glad to know you have some confidence, Caramel." She then gave him a hard glare, "Now get back to it, boy! Don't make a mess!"



Caramel screamed in fear before saluted, "Yes ma'am!"



Scarlet: Again, the above lines would later be recycled for a different sort of fic.

Crazy56U: And now he shit himself.



And so, his struggling cook continued by restarting the cook.



Scarlet: Have you tried turning the cook off and back on again?

CaptainPipsqueak: Or removing the battery for five seconds?

JofY: Just kick it!

Crazy56U: Uh, continuing by restarting is kinda an oxymoron...



As his fifth time, Caramel made some mistakes. Firstly, he put the wrong salt into the soup; instead of sugar.



JofY: Okay, I’m not culinary inclined when it comes to soups, so, what kind of non-dessert like soups require sugar?

SC276: I don’t know a single soup that would require sugar anyway…

Scarlet: Actually, certain potato soups can use it if you add sweet potato chunks. You don’t use much, though, just enough to complement the flavor.

Crazy56U: Then he lit himself on fire.



Next, he put too much of honey while nodding adding some apple slices into it. Then, he accidentally put too much of flour into it.



SC276: How are you messing up on things you didn’t mess up before? What are you, me?

Crazy56U: And then he straight up threw the pot to the floor and had a seizure.



Aftermath, he overheated the cake too much.



Crazy56U: And then he turned into a jet, bombed the Russians, and flew into the sun.

Now he’s dead.



Finally, he made a good shape of Apple Treat Cake.



Scarlet: It was stolen moments later by an eagle.

CaptainPipsqueak: Which then died of food poisoning.

Crazy56U: A Hearth’s Warming Eve miracle.

CaptainPipsqueak: The eagle, however, was delicious.



As Granny Smith tasted it, she gave the disgusted look while looking at it.



Crazy56U: Oh, wait, Caramel made it. Nevermind, the miracle was fake.



She then thrown it aside hard before scolding and lecturing Caramel about it.



JofY: Maybe if you just added some caramel.

Crazy56U: Well, she tried to, anyway, if it weren’t for Caramel openly sobbing

during...



Caramel continued struggled in making the Apple Treat Cake for few times. On the late evening, he managed to put and make the good-looking and shaped of golden Cake with two layers and cherries on rounded's edges while its middle had the crops of Sweet Apple Acres.



Scarlet: Every single one of the farm’s crops baked into a single cake!

Crazy56U: It also contained some of his blood from when he accidentally sliced open his jugular, but luckily he made the cake before he bled out.



It was done. Both Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon smiled proudly.



SC276: Meanwhile, we’re frowning miserably.

Crazy56U: The nightmare was over at least.



Caramel put the Apple Treat Cake into an oven as he set it for 10 minutes.



SC276: Baking a cake usually takes at least twenty minutes, author.

JofY: Like you need to know anything about cooking to write.

SC276: If you’re going to write about cooking, yes.

JofY: Oh, come on, who cares about details like that? We get to have antics so cliche not even modern sitcom do them.

Crazy56U: And then the oven exploded.



He then headed off and met up with both Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon.



Scarlet: Who had presumably gotten bored of the story and walked out.

Crazy56U: They were busy drinking the pain away.



Caramel smiled happily, "I can't believe it's done."



"Not bad for a new pony. You did pretty well on your first and foremost cook," Granny Smith commented.



JofY: Most ponies burn down an entire micro-nation before learning how to cook.

SC276: [Granny Smith] “Ya used up all our food with all the attempts and we’re going to starve this winter, but you did pretty well.”

Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “Of course, I’m banning you from entering our kitchen ever again, but…”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Granny Smith] “Though at this point it’s kinda like closing the barn door after the horse’s bolted… Heh; see that? Gone an’ added an apt ponyism, too.”



Saber Dragoon nodded his head, "Yeah. At least you put 10 minutes in heating the cake up."



Scarlet: Is this realistic bake time for an ornate apple confection? What do you all think?

JofY: No.

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “I’m surprised you managed to use the oven correctly. I thought you’d electrocute yourself again…”



Caramel smiled and nodded his head in agreement. As three ponies were about to leave the kitchen, they heard some exploding from it.



JofY: The Carrot Farm was finally removing competition.

SC276: This is turning into that time from The Simpsons where Homer set a bowl of cereal on fire.

Crazy56U: HOLY FUCK, I WAS JOKING!



They quickly returned to the area and checked on it. Upon arriving to the microwave oven, they spotted the cake was bursting and exploding within as it grew large and shooting its small parts out like shooting guns.



Scarlet: That’s no cake! It’s a mobile fortress! SCRAMBLE!

SC276: Are you telling me they tried to bake a cake for a family Christmas tradition using the microwave?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

Crazy56U: I’m more concerned that the cake apparently mutated into a monster...



"What in tarnation just happen?!" Granny Smith asked in shock and worry.



SC276: The plot having a seizure is my best bet.

Crazy56U: The cake mutated, I just said that...



"I don't know!" Caramel answered in fear. He yelped as he spotted the cake grew larger and larger while breaching through the oven's door, "I do know one thing! RUN!"



JofY: Run, Cake! Run!

Crazy56U: RETREAT!

CaptainPipsqueak: REHEAT!!

SC276: [King Arthur] “RUN AWAY!”



"You heard him! RUN!" Saber Dragoon exclaimed in fear.



Scarlet: Sword Gunman meets his only weakness- confection.

Crazy56U: RETREAT!

CaptainPipsqueak: RE-EAT!

SC276: [The Knights] “RUN AWAY!”



Granny Smith, Saber Dragoon and Caramel screamed in fear and worry as they quickly escaped the area as the microwave oven steamed off while shaking very hard.



JofY: Well, no wonder why it’s alive. It’s been getting nuclear radiation for like 10 minutes, that can’t be good.

Crazy56U: Well, looks like the Apples have to live somewhere else now...



Three Apple Siblings were on their way home. They carried both food supplies and stuffs for tonight's Hearth's Warming Eve.



SC276: They’re getting the food for Christmas Eve dinner now? That’s way more irresponsible than I’d expect from Applejack. Then again, she’s dating one of the two OCs in this chapter, so who knows what her thought process is.

Crazy56U: But did they have any Apple Treats™?



Applejack sighed in annoyance, "Next time, Apple Bloom; leave the talking to me before you jump on the barrel."



Scarlet: No, we’re not going to give you context for this. Yes, whatever you come up with instead probably will be a more interesting story.

Crazy56U: My guess, Apple Bloom jumped on someone’s gun. They were getting mugged by one of Dr. Canada’s goons.



Apple Bloom sighed in defeat, "Sorry, sis..."



"Now, now, Applejack; let's not-!" Big Mac spoke.



SC276: [Big Mac] “I mean, uh, eeyup.”

Crazy56U: Oh my God, he remembered how to speak!



"I know. I know. I know.



Crazy56U: So, do you know or not?



It's Hearth's Warming Eve. I shouldn't be mad at my little sister," Applejack interrupted before she smiled, "Besides, we're gonna get a good evening dinner together."



Both Big Mac and Apple Bloom smiled in pleased and relief.



SC276: Cue mood-turning irony in three, two…

Crazy56U: They were blissfully unaware they were about to reach Ground Zero of Caramel’s fuckup...



BOOM!



Crazy56U: And that’s how the world ended. THE END



Three Apple Siblings yelped in shock as they felt the shake and heard the explosion. They looked up and found the Sweet Apple Acre was covered by the sticky and slimy honey.



Scarlet: The Rule 34 version is barely going to read differently.

JofY: Not really...

Crazy56U: Great, now it’s going to smell like honey for years...



"What in tarnation?!" Applejack asked in shock.



"Oh no... Caramel..." Apple Bloom said in concern.



Big Mac gulped in fear and concern, "Eenope..."



SC276: What, did someone go all in at the Inventory?

Crazy56U: Awwww, Big Mac forgot how to speak again...



She and her two siblings made haste in returning to home.



Scarlet: Fly, Applejack! Show us the meaning of haste!

Crazy56U: C’mon, what’s the rush, you act like everything you own is now covered in honey or something...



Upon reaching home, the Apple Siblings headed to the kitchen and found dizzy and knockout Granny Smith, Caramel and Saber Dragoon on the floor. The former was in shock.



JofY: Nobody knew what their motivation was.

Crazy56U: The latter were dead inside.



"What in tarnation is gonna here?!" Applejack demanded.



Granny Smith sighed in defeat. Caramel stood up at once as he said, "I can explain..."



Scarlet: [Caramel] “I’m a terrible cook and I tried to stuff the farm into a cake.”

Crazy56U: [Caramel] “I was born…”

JofY: [Carmel] “...Actually, it may be better if I don’t say anything at all.”



Caramel explained to Applejack of what he did for whole day with Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon on making the Apple Treat Cake. Applejack looked annoy and upset of what Caramel did and especially receiving the lie from her siblings.



JofY: Yes, the lie that… was about...

SC276: This is why I don’t like surprise parties.

Crazy56U: Hey now, technically they did not lie. Granny Smith was getting help from

Saber Dragoon in regards to cooking...



She looked away from them and approached to the wall which has some of sticky honey cake.



Scarlet: The wall had a sweet tooth.

Crazy56U: “Hey, you got your LOLCats in my shitfic!” “You got your shitfic in my LOLCats!”



Applejack placed her hoof on it before tasted it with her tongue.



JofY: And no one ate dinner that night.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Needs salt.”



"Applejack, please..." Caramel begged, "Don't blame your family. I did it. I wanted to make it a special and meaningful treat for you.



JofY: No Caramel! It’s not worth it! Don’t you know she killed a filly’s parents once for mixing mashed potatoes and flour together!?

SC276: So let me guess, he’s the boyfriend. The character we don’t have any reason to believe is reliable.

Crazy56U: Wow, it took you that long to figure it out? I thought it was clear the second his name was mentioned...



I guess... I'm not the best cook I ever thought of..."



Scarlet: [Caramel] “I once imagined a chef with five Michelin stars!”

Crazy56U: [Caramel] “I’m just a living, breathing, natural disaster…”



"Caramel..." Everyone but Applejack said in concern.



As Applejack turned to Caramel, she sighed in annoyance, "Yeah... You're really are terrible cook.



Crazy56U: That’s it, Applejack, just shit on his hopes and dreams...



Always missed the important ingredient and making sure the food is good to go."



Scarlet: Yeah, always making sure the food is good to go! The mark of a truly terrible cook!

SC276: Well at least she didn’t surprisingly love it…

Crazy56U: Hands down, the most realistic part of this story.



Caramel looked down in defeat and shame. Before he could say, she jumped and hugged him tightly. Everyone was in shock and surprise by the action. She then kissed on his cheeks before smiling, "But this... It's the best I ever taste!"



JofY: Because she taste no longer.

SC276: I spoke too soon.

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, this Author doesn’t know what realism is, I forgot...



Caramel gasped, "You mean- you like it?!"



Applejack smiled, "Eeyup."



Crazy56U: [Big Mac] “HEY!”



Everyone was in shock and surprise by Applejack's answer. They all smiled in joy and relief that she accepted Caramel's work.



Scarlet: Joy and relief shattered moments later when Applejack smashed a table over Caramel’s head while he was distracted.

JofY: She was no longer Applejack. Now, she had a new name… and his name was John Cena.

SC276: I saw this coming, and then you seemingly changed your mind, and then you went right back around and did it anyway. Fool me once…!

Crazy56U: At least Caramel isn’t dying tonight...



"But next time, Caramel; be careful of whatcha you doing on cooking," Applejack remarked.



Caramel smiled, "I will, Apple dear..."



SC276: But this brick was thinking, “No you won’t” either…

Crazy56U: Next time, he’s doing to straight up set the kitchen on fire, isn’t he?

SC276: You won’t come near smoke, fire, and Jello!



Saber Dragoon chuckled happily, "Well, what are we waiting for? Dig in. It might not be the best cake we wanted to design, but taste counts."



Scarlet: Sword Gunman- Why Was He Even Here?

JofY: I don’t know, I mean, this chapter disrespected design. And that’s wrong.

Crazy56U: Not always, honey.



Applejack smiled, "Dig in, everypony!"



Applejack and her family cheered happily and wildly as they took the saps and pieces of Apple Treat Cake from the wall.



SC276: That cannot be sanitary.

Crazy56U: Well, they gotta clean up the mess somehow.



They ate them happily and enjoyable. Saber Dragoon gave the small piece on Big Mac's face before laughed in amusement. Annoyed by his attempt, Big Mac slyly pushed Saber to the wall before laughed in amusement.



Scarlet: I’m confused, is that supposed to be homoerotic tension or is this an incredible happy accident?

Crazy56U: D) All of the above.



Granny Smith made a story about how her first cook was worse than Caramel. Apple Bloom giggled in amusement.



SC276: Amusement amusement, amusement. Amusement? Amusement!

Crazy56U: With this much amusement, you could make a park out of it!



As the family continued chatting and eating their own foods, Applejack and Caramel looked at each other while smiling.



Scarlet: [Applejack] “I despise you to the very core of your being.”

[Caramel] “Feeling’s mutual.”

Crazy56U: They got a contact high from the cake fumes, they had no idea what was

going on anymore.



"Thanks for giving me a chance, Applejack. It means me well..." Caramel said happily.



Applejack smiled, "I'm glad I did. You're a really special pony, Caramel.



SC276: Yes. “Special.”

Crazy56U: Well, she’s not wrong...



Thank you. And Merry Hearth's Warming Eve."



"Merry Hearth's Warming Eve to you, Applejack," Caramel replied.



Caramel and Applejack leaned close before kissing to each other's lips passionately and happily.



Scarlet: After removing their lips from their faces, of course.

Crazy56U: Every chapter is going to end with smooches, aren’t they?



Main Casts:

Brian Drummond: Caramel

Ashleigh Ball: Applejack

Peter New: Big Mac

Michelle Creber: Apple Bloom

Tabitha St. Germain: Granny Smith

Will Friedle: Saber Dragoon



Crazy56U: Fuck you for dragging Eric Matthews into this. Fuck. YOU.

Scarlet: And Mike Nelson as himself!



Preview:



Speed Hour: Soarin was late for the Rainbow's Holiday Spirit Party.



CaptainPipsqueak: Which is what she calls it when she breaks out the heavy stuff to get the Hearth’s Warming celebration really started.

Crazy56U: Actually, that’s a lie; he just didn’t feel like going.



To get to Rainbow's House, he required both Blazefist and Laxtinct in getting there while dealing with crazy Diamond Dog who wanted his present so badly.



Crazy56U: So, in other words, you’re ripping off the first story...



Will he get there in time for Rainbow's Party while making sure that package kept safe?!



Scarlet: And more importantly, will any of us care?

SC276: Why is the burrowing Diamond Dog race involved in the pegasus short?

JofY: Why is a Pokemon OC and medication to help one poop involved in this!?

CaptainPipsqueak: How does a pony get the name ‘Blazefist’?

Crazy56U: Please, failure doesn’t exist in this universe. Even if it seems like someone

fails, they’ll end up succeeding regardless...



Review and Suggest...



SC276: Stop. Now.

Crazy56U: Here’s a suggestion: step away from the computer. We have the place surrounded.



Short 3: Speed Hour



SC276: ~Slow down, yer gonna crash / Baby you’re a-screamin’, it’s a blast blast blast...~

Crazy56U: “Speed Hour”: The “Speed” / “Rush Hour” crossover no one wanted.



At Rainbow Dash's house, her father Rainbow Blazing and her mother Firefly



SC276: See, it’s funny because Firefly was the G1 character RD was based on-

Crazy56U: Why’d you sto-



had arrived at her home. Rainbow Dash jumped and hugged both of her parents happily before bringing them in. Rainbow Dash then presented her fan and sister-figure: Scootaloo.



Scarlet: Who was also there.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve, Mom and Dad! I got you an orphan!”



"Wow! You're Rainbow Dash's parents?" Scootaloo asked curiously.



JofY: “You’re both less cool than I imagined!”

Crazy56U: Somehow I doubt that the founder and leader of the “Rainbow Dash Fan

Club” doesn’t know who Rainbow’s parents are...



Both Rainbow Blaze and Firefly nodded their heads to her.



SC276: Oh god they’re both mutes.

JofY: No, they just haven’t hired voice actors.

Crazy56U: Or they have food in their mouths...



She cried happily while bouncing up and down, "OH MY GOSH! THIS IS SO AWESOME! AND THE BEST! YEAH!"



SC276: Calm down, sister, you’re gonna give yourself a heart attack.

JofY: EXCITEMENT! JOY! SENTENCES THAT ARE IN ALL CAPS EVEN THOUGH IT’S MEANT TO DENOTE RAGE AND ANGER!

Crazy56U: LOUD NOISES



Rainbow Blaze chuckled in amusement while patted Scootaloo's mane gently, "My... She's quite a spirited and spiteful too. It reminds me of Rainbow Dash."



Scarlet: Truly, Scootaloo is the most spiteful of children.

Crazy56U: Well, unless I’m mistaken, Scootaloo still has that Rainbow Dash wig...



"She sure does, Blaze. A very determined too," Firefly commented.



SC276: “Meeting your idol’s parents fills you with determination.”

Crazy56U: No, Firefly, she’s a pegasus.



She turned to Spitfire, "It's good to see you again, my dear."



JofY: “I must commend you for teleporting in.”

Crazy56U: [Firefly] “And by ‘again’, I mean ‘for the first time’; where the fuck did you

come from?!”



"Good to see you too," Spitfire smiled as she gave Firefly a hoofshake, "My mom says highly of you. I've gotta say... You would have made a great Wonderbolt."



Scarlet: Spitfire is just in this story too, now. I kind of hope that we just keep introducing characters abruptly as dinner goes on. “And then Tirek said-”

SC276: This is turning into that Rick & Morty episode.

Crazy56U: “Total Rickall”?



Firefly sighed in defeat, "Yeah... Somehow, I really wish that happen."



SC276: Yeah, accusations of getting into the Wonderbolts because of family connections and not skill alone. That’s what Rainbow’s always wanted.

Crazy56U: [Firefly] “If it wasn’t for my smack habit, I would’ve passed the drug test… (sigh) ...but I love smack so much…”



She then approached to Rainbow Blaze and Rainbow Dash. She hugged them passionately,



Crazy56U: And, in the process, she snapped their spines.



"But I already have my dream come true. Having my own family."



"Mom..." Rainbow Dash smiled happily and relief before nuzzling her mother's head gently and passionately, "I really touched by your love story, mom.



JofY: But the author ain’t gonna write us love story. ‘Cause he don’t know to. ‘Cause we want one.



That was the best."



"Oh Dashie... My Little Dashie,"



SC276: No, I doubt we are ever going to actually do that.

JofY: And timer has started.

Crazy56U: Actually, there was a riff for it back in the old days of FFT3K, but for some

reason, it just... poofed. In fact, I think it’s still in Google Docs...



Firefly smiled before nuzzled on Rainbow's head gently.



"Speaking of love story," Rainbow Blaze said calmly as he looked around in searching and looking for someone, "Where is your hotshot, Dash?"



Scarlet: [Rainbow Blaze] “Shouldn’t he have popped out of the ether with the other guests?”

Crazy56U: Uh… (pulls out a Hot Shots! Part Deux DVD) D-does this count?



Heard of what her father had asked, Rainbow Dash looked worry and scared as she looked around for a while.



JofY: Oh no! He didn’t get through the teleporter! He’s stuck somewhere inside time

and space!

CaptainPipsueak: Lucky bastard. Well, he always said he wanted to see everything.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I-I thought he was here…”



She nervously answered, "He'll be here... Somehow... I hope..."



KNOCK!



JofY: The police!

SC276: Cheese it, it’s the cops! *dives for the window*

Crazy56U: ...you mean “NOT!”, Narrator.



Rainbow Dash gasped happily as she dashed to the door at once. She opened it as she prayed it was Soarin.



JofY: And not his brother Sauron... Always staring at everyone.



Instead of him, she spotted a familiar friend coming in. She was none other than Aquastroke.



JofY: Isn’t that toothpaste?

SC276: Or a stroke you suffer in water.

Crazy56U: Or a- on second thought, nevermind.



"Aqua?" Rainbow Dash asked in shock and surprise.



Scarlet: No, Aqua, don’t do this! Kingdom Hearts 3 is coming, and you’re almost guaranteed a role in it!

Crazy56U: Given naming conventions among ponies, I take it she’s some kind of water-based pony? Or is she just eccentric?



"Hey Rainbow Dash," Aqua greeted Rainbow Dash, "Don't mind if I come in?"



Rainbow Dash nodded her head



SC276: That means she does mind. Stay out. You’re gonna track OC on the floor.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Yes. (slams the door shut)”



as she allowed and led Aqua into her house. Rainbow led Aqua to her family as she introduced the latter to them. They greeted happily and introduced to her back. She bowed in respect to them.



Scarlet: [Aqua] “Greetings, family of Rainbow Dash. This is my back.”

[Everyone] “Hello, Aqua’s back!”

SC276: Wait, does that mean Rainbow gets the girl love interest? Why is it always Rainbow that’s the lesbian?!

Crazy56U: I think it’s because of her mane… Chicks dig the multicolored hair...



"Hey, glad to see you're here. Have you seen Soarin?" Rainbow asked.



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Remember? He’s Soarin’, flyin’, there’s not a star in

Heaven he can’t reach? Remember?”

SC276: Please, we have no chance of breaking free from this fic.



"No," Aqua shook her head before looked around of Rainbow's house for the moment,



Crazy56U: [Aqua] “Huh, you redecorated... I don’t like it!”



"But I was hoping Blazefist's here since he asked me to come. So, he's not here too?"



Scarlet: Ah, that beloved character Blazefist. Truly nothing would be complete without his presence!

CaptainPipsqueak: Such a scamp he is, with his merry japes and such!

SC276: So there’s two OCs per Mane 6. Of course there is.

Crazy56U: Oh God, please don’t say he’s a human...



"Nope. I'm afraid not..."



"Aw man... Where is he? I hope he's okay..."



"Same goes to my Soarin.



Crazy56U: No! Bad Rainbow! Slavery is wrong!



I hope he's okay from any kind of troubles," Rainbow said in worry.



Scarlet: Uh-oh! That sounds to me like it’s the lead-in for some wacky circumstances!

CaptainPipsqueak: And zany?

SC276: Well judging from the last two shorts and the author’s perceived lack of creativity, they’re probably shopping for Christmas cake.

JofY: That, or getting into events that have nothing to do with anything on hand.

CaptainPipsqueak: People really do eat those?

Crazy56U: Well, at least it isn’t fruitcake...



Aquastroke sighed as she patted on Rainbow's left shoulder, "Well, there's nothing we can do now.



Crazy56U: [Aqua] “Yeah, as far as we know, Soarin’ and Blazefist are dead, might as

well not care...”



Let's just talk with your parents. That usually help me calm down well."



SC276: How does talking to parents calm people down?

Crazy56U: If anything, it should make you more tense! TRUST ME



Rainbow smiled and nodded her head in agreement, "Yeah. Let's go."



JofY: Yay! They’re leaving the fic!

Crazy56U: If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs...



Aquastroke and Rainbow Dash turned and approached to Rainbow's Family and Friends



CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Rainbow’s Family and Friends’ - the newest My Little Pony playset. Get yours today, just in time for Christmas!

Crazy56U: Rainbow turned her home into a pancake joint in the middle of this scene,

apparently...



as all of them were having some good conversation while waiting for both Soarin and Blazefist's returning here safely…



Scarlet: Nothing can start without the OCs present. It is fanfic law!

Crazy56U: (opens a can of Diet Coke) Yeah. “Good” conversation. Uh huh. Yep. Totally. (begins drinking)



Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct were screaming in fear as they were all running away from crazy and vicious Vampiric Jackalope.



Scarlet: ...I wasn’t sure how the story would deliver on the hijinks end of things, but this is probably the best it could’ve done. Bravo.

SC276: And I thought the Dastardly Whiplash earlier was freakin’ random.

JofY: Why do I feel like this is going turn Vampiric Jackalope into something really stupid?

CaptainPipsqueak: Turn into?

Crazy56U: (spits out Diet Coke) Holy fuck, tonal shift much?!



"I told you not to disturb those Jackalopes!" Blazefist exclaimed in anger.



CaptainPipsqueak: “You wacky, zany trickster you!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, I agree, what did the Jackalopes ever do to you?



"How am I suppose to know that?!" Laxtinct complained in fear and anger, "They're just too cute to resist! I want to play with them!"



Scarlet: Laxtinct- dumbest name in the story, but second OC I’ve begun to like.

SC276: The one stupid enough to try and pet wild animals on a whim?

Scarlet: Do you know how often it is that someone has the nuance to make an OC with actual flaws that bite him in the ass? I’m still trying to figure out how this happened!

JofY: Well, clearly he’s the comic relief. That means anything he does has to be punished.

Crazy56U: His name is a fucking laxative-brand name.



"CUTE?! Call them the FREAKS! Thanks a lot!" Soarin argued.



Crazy56U: Holy fuck, why is Soarin’ being racist?!



"Save the argument! And keep on running!" Blazefist cried in fear.



SC276: At least one of them can fly!

JofY: Maybe!

Crazy56U: Yeah, Blazefist, stop dicking around and fly already! Leave the others for

dead!



As the trio continued running, they came by a familiar valley Rainbow Dash had most of pets put on the race for her to choose. They ran through the Ghastly Gorge.



JofY: There was padding that they had to go through. The padding that they went to remove was surprisingly redundant.

Crazy56U: Remember? “May The Best Pet Win”? Introduced Tank to the world? Was

the episode right before that Mare-Do-Well bullcrap?



The Vampiric Jackalopes continued chasing after them.



Scarlet: Please tell me this ends with a quarry eel eating the jackalopes.

SC276: Or the ponies. Can’t afford to be picky at this point.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Everyone gets eaten and the story comes to a quiet end. ‘Vore and Peace’ you might say.

Crazy56U: My money is on the eels teaming up with the Jackalopes and taking over

the world...



While during their running, the trio encountered some of obstacles standing in their ways; the dropping and falling rocks, windy cave, sharped and thorny bramble bushes and attacking Quarrey Eels.



Soarin groaned in annoyance, "Just great..."



JofY: “We just had a great action scene and it was ignored completely.”

CaptainPisqueak: As though that wasn’t a favour.

Crazy56U: Oh, no! The previously established eels!



"Keep on running," Blazefist cried, "We'll cover you!"



Scarlet: [Blazefist] “Don’t fly away! They’ll be expecting that!”

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “We’ll be your meatshields!”



"Hopefully some Jackalopes stopped following us," Latxtinct exclaimed in fear.



Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct ran through the long valley of Ghastly Gorge. The vampiric Jackalopes chased and went after them.



During their journey in running through some dangerous obstacles, the trio fought back against them.



JofY: Wow! What a show! How visual! It’s like I’m really there.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why, if I close my eyes, I can almost envision...no. Nope. Can’t pull off bullshit like that.

Crazy56U: Yes, because that is totally definitely actually happening...



Blazefist fired his Firestorm Phoenix and Fireballs at them for few times while dodging the attacks.



SC276: He has named elemental attack moves?! Fuck, did Mykan breach this?!

Crazy56U: What, was a flamethrower just too expensive for you?



Soarin flew through the valley while dodging the attacks. Laxtinct; worn his Earth Armor-like,



Crazy56U: “Like” what? Like armor?

JofY: I believe the term is, ‘Clothing.’



charged in as he bashed and knocked some rocks off and away from him.



Scarlet: This is the worst Let’s Play of Dynasty Warriors I have ever seen.

JofY: And that’s when the laxative hit.

Crazy56U: Laxtinct used Rock Smash! It’s super effective!



As for the vampiric Jackalopes, they continued chasing after the trio. Passing through the windy caves, most of vampiric Jackolopes were blow and pushed away by the strong wind. Some were unable to get through the bushes because of sharp thorns. And finally, they stopped before get attacked by the Quarray Eels from walls and ground.



Scarlet: *holds up the “You Tried” sticker from a previous riff* Here you go, author. You deserve it.

JofY: No they don’t! They didn’t try at all!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but if Scarlet gave them a “You Failed” sticker, that’d just be kind of dickish.

Crazy56U: Oh, fuck, the eels still exist!



After passing through some crazy Ghastly Gorge, three ponies made safely to the hill as they took a deep breathe while panted heavily.



"Let's not do that again," Laxtinct remarked.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, for the love of God don’t.

Crazy56U: Because Heaven forbid you do something in this- I can’t finish this

sentence; I agree, never do that again.



Blazefist nodded his head in agreement, "Yeah... Hopefully we don't get to that mess again..."



SC276: Yeah right, 420.

Crazy56U: Oh God, he’s self-aware of what story he’s in...



Soarin took a present out from his saddlebag. As he checked on it, he sighed in relief, "Man, that was close... It's still safe."



Scarlet: And then it was snatched by an eagle!

JofY: If only one of them could fly!

CaptainPipsqueak: Jeez, and I thought Fluttershy was being dumb the last riff...

Crazy56U: ...was it a safe?



"So, what's inside the present?" Laxtinct asked curiously.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Explosives.”

Crazy56U: Another present!

SC276: WHAT’S IN THE BOX, JOKEY?!



Soarin smirked, "Not telling, Lax. Not until we've reached to Rainbow Dash's Home in one piece."



SC276: [Soarin] “Then the audience would know it too!”

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m still hoping it’s explosives. Take them all out at once.

Crazy56U: Hey now, don’t turn into a crossover on us, story...



Laxtinct was about to ask, but stopped by Blazefist as he said, "Come on, bro. Stop asking him. We've got some job to do. And we're going to end it."



Scarlet: Once... and for all.

CaptainPipsqueak: DunndunnDUNNN!

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “Yes, we must end it… (pulls out a knife) Sorry, Soarin’!”

[Soarin’] “Wait, wha- (STABSTABSTAB)”

THE END



Laxtinct sighed in defeat, "Fine... Better worth our time..."



SC276: No, it’s not.

Crazy56U: HAH



Soarin nodded his head in agreement, "We'd better get going. We're so late for the party!"



The trio headed off as they journeyed all the way to Rainbow's Home.



SC276: That’s the name on the playset box, we’re rolling with it.

Scarlet: Now available from the same bootleggers who brought you the Agrestia mega-playset!

Crazy56U: And then, five minutes later, they realized they were lost.



For nearly an hour had passed, the trio entered the long way down on the steep and rocky mountain area.



JofY: What? Why? How? What? These questions and more will never be answered.

CaptainPipsqueak: Things happened then more things happened. Then characters spoke and still more things happened.

Crazy56U: What, did they make a pit stop to destroy the One Ring?



They also looked out for any sign of troubles.



SC276: Those troublesome troubles are always causing trouble.

CaptainPipsqueak: And if you see two, then your trouble is doubled!

Crazy56U: They found issues, conflicts, and bad times, but no troubles to be seen...



Upon reaching to the large open field, they found more of holes. They recognized the area very well.



"This must be Diamond Dogs' Mines," Soarin said in concern.



Scarlet: [Soarin] “Which I have visited several times before and thus know about.”

Crazy56U: You could tell that just by looking at some holes. Soarin’ is best detective.



Blazefist nodded his head in confirmation, "Yeah. We'd better be careful. The last thing I want is those freaks to mess with the wrong guys."



SC276: Couldn’t they just go around the field or something? I’ve already lost track of what they’re doing, aren’t they heading back to Rainbow’s house?

JofY: They’re taking the scenic route.

CaptianPipsqueak: “If you look to your left, you can see a cliff face. If you look to your right, you can see a cli-- y’know, there really isn’t a hell of a lot to see here, is there?”

Crazy56U: What is it with you and freaks?!



"I wonder who you are referring to," Laxtinct wondered curiously.



Soarin sighed in annoyance, "He meant us, Lax."



SC276: I mean, obviously, they are the wrong guys.

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “No, I didn’t, shut up!”



He patted on his saddlebag for three times gently, "Come on, we'd better get going. I've got to make sure that my precious gift



CaptainPipsqueak: Pleasebeexplosives Pleasebeexplosives Pleasebeexplosives...

Crazy56U: Which I’m now convinced is weed.



is secured until we reached home safely."



JofY: “Neither of you two matter though.”

Crazy56U: [Soarin’] “You two are part of my present, so don’t die.”



"Right..." Blazefist and Laxtinct nodded their heads in agreement.



As the trio continued walking down the mountain's road,



SC276: Why are they not flying.

Scarlet: We told you already! The enemy will be expecting that!

Crazy56U: Walking burns more calories.



the bushes from left side were lowered down. Three familiar creatures chuckled evilly as they showed their wicked smiles and chuckling noise.



SC276: We get it, author, they’re laughing, lay off already.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why would he start now?

Crazy56U: It was Larry with his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl...



They turned and looked at each other before nodded their heads.



As Soarin and his friends were passing the large tree by, a fishing hook came down and grasped Soarin's bag up.



JofY: Oh no! Flying thief worms!

Crazy56U: Lakitu turned to petty theft!



Upon seeing the attack, Laxtinct jumped and grabbed the fishing hook down hard, causing the fisherman to the ground.



Scarlet: [Laxtinct] “SHINY!”

Crazy56U: Was it a zombie fisherman?



"Ow! That hurt!" Spot exclaimed painfully.



SC276: Why is a dog in a tree, and given the environment of the surface near where Diamond Dogs are show to live, how could they not see a big dog in a tree sooner?

CaptainPipsqueak: Reasons.

Crazy56U: [Spot] “I think you broke my neck!”



"Trying to steal Soarin's present, aren't you?" Laxtinct asked angrily, "Guess what? No way."



Crazy56U: [Laxtinct] “(deadpan) I am extremely upset over this current development. Hell hath no fury like a Laxtinct scorned.”



"Yes way, pony..." Rover's voice spoke darkly.



JofY: Well, take a drink of water then.



The trio turned and encountered more of Diamond Dog Guards and their masters: Rover and Fido.



SC276: Wait, I lost track. There were three Diamond Dogs in a tree, and a Wonderbolt didn’t notice?

JofY: Is there a slave and master system that I’m not aware of here?

Crazy56U: No, Rover and Fido just pay really well.



Rover chuckled, "So, hand over that bag to us. We'll let you go."



SC276: What is with villains trying to steal presents from the Mane 6 one way or another?

Scarlet: “We have nothing to do, a grudge against you guys, and trying to actually cause physical harm to you is too much effort.”

Crazy56U: [Rover] “We just want the bag, so you can keep whatever’s in it! Cool? :D”



"Yeah... Give us the bag..." Fido said calmly.



Soarin groaned in anger as he kept the bag closed to him, "Over my dead body, doggies!"



SC276: Welp, you heard him, boys! *pulls out a crossbow*

Scarlet: I can’t mash the ‘Fight’ button hard enough!

Crazy56U: [Rover] “...poor choice of words. (proceeds to maul Soarin’ to death)”

THE END



"Listen up, pals. We can do it the easy way -" Blazefist said firmly while crossing his hooves,



JofY: Desperately trying to hide the fact that he meant to pound his hoofs together.

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “where we beat you to death,”



"- or the hard way..."



SC276: Dude, the “easy way” is to go above them because the guy with the box can fly!

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “Where we beat you to death with a spoon!”



Rover groaned in annoyance before roared in anger, "Just give us the bag now!" He charged in as he was about to throw a punch on Soarin, but got tripped by the latter's left knee after the dodge.



JofY: No, that’s a counter attack.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a “I Don’t Think You Even Tried At All” sticker)



Rover groaned in anger as he slowly got up and glared at the ponies, "GET THEM! I WANT THAT BAG!"



SC276: [Rover] “NOT FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON, I’M JUST THE VILLAIN OF THIS SHORT!”

Crazy56U: [Rover] “RANDOM MOTIVES!”



Fido screamed, "Get them!"



Diamond Dogs charged in and attacked on their enemies. Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct sighed in annoyance.



JofY: They were out of sync with one another. How indecent.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, technically you guys started this, don’t be smart!



Here they go again…



Scarlet: Laxtinct engaged the recording of The Aquabats he had saved for just such an occasion.

SC276: You mean they’ve gotten into combat situations they could have easily avoided before?

Crazy56U: It could be ten, but then again I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four.



Diamond Dogs jumped and attacked on Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct. The latter dodged and avoided the attacks while punching and kicking the Diamond Dogs hard and quick.



Scarlet: Kick, punch, it’s all in the mind!

SC276: Alright, we’re here, just sittin’ in the car!

Crazy56U: Crack crack crack the egg into the bowl! M-I-X the flour into the bowl!

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m workin’ in de flea market so early, I been workin’ here since me Momma was a baby...



Fido and Spot charged in and attacked both Blazefist and Laxtinct hard and quick, but the latter dodged and avoided it while moving to their backs.



JofY: Quick! Aim for underneath the ear. They love getting massaged there.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Oh, goody, more fighting, I don’t care, skipping ahead...



They waited for the moment as two Diamond Dogs charged in and rammed at their enemies. Blazefist and Laxtinct moved to left side before Fido and Spot slammed on each other's face hard.



JofY: Yes, the left side of however they’re positioned.



The brothers smirked proudly.



Scarlet: If these two start speaking in Spanish, I’m out of here.

SC276: No hablo Ingles.



Soarin faced off against Rover who swung his paws at his enemies hard and quick. Soarin dodged and avoided the attacks before punching on Rover's face for three times,



SC276: I can do it! I can do it three times!



and then kicked him off. Smirked in relief, Soarin was about to pat on his bag. But felt his sides only instead. He found his bag was missing.



JofY: Oh, there it is. It’s gone.



"YES! I have it!" Rover cried happily.





SC276: How the hell did that happen?!

Crazy56U: Don’t ask me...



The trio turned and glared at Rover caught the bag as he was about to open it, "Time to get my present!"



Scarlet: Jeez, all that effort for a greeting card.

Crazy56U: Dude, you could’ve easily used some of your diamonds to buy yourself a present...



Diamond Dogs came and surrounded Rover as they all watched and see what they had. Instead of showing proud and excited faces, they shown shock faces.



Scarlet: They had left their Proud Faces at home by mistake.

JofY: “Underwear!? The hell?”

Crazy56U: Oh, noes! The bag was the gift!



"What is this?!" Rover asked in shock.



SC276: [Rover] “What the fuck?! This is seriously messed up, dude!”

Crazy56U: [Rover] “What the fuck is Shrek the Halls?!”



"I'll take that!" Soarin exclaimed in anger as he dashed and grabbed it quickly. He reunited with his allies, "Didn't expect that, did ya? Love to chat, but we're seriously late!"



Scarlet: Tell us more about it when you’ve got the time!

Crazy56U: We’re not gonna make it! LET’S SPEED UP!



Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct turned and immediately left the area while leaving most of Diamond Dogs dumbfounded and shocked.



Rover groaned in annoyance, "I hate those ponies..."



Scarlet: Next time, Gadget!

SC276: I hate that hedgehog!

CaptainPipsqueak: Miss Tessmacherrrrrrrrr!

Crazy56U: (ba dum tish)



As Rainbow Dash and her family continued partying for Hearth's Warming Eve, the door was slammed in opening.



SC276: They didn’t even knock first? Rude.

JofY: Door, we’re here to talking about your drinking problem when you are opened.

Crazy56U: “POLICE! You’re all under arrest!”



They turned and found three familiar ponies who panted in exhaustion.



"Hey... We're here..." Soarin panted.



Rainbow Dash and Aquastroke charged in and jumped on both Soarin and Blazefist to the ground hard. The girls chuckled happily and in amusement while hugging duo boys tightly and happily. They then kissed on boys' lips for the moment.



Scarlet: Not these boys, mind you. Some other unidentified group of boys.

SC276: So, wait, why is Rainbow the only one that has a boyfriend that’s not an OC?

Scarlet: Because Caramel didn’t actually exist last story. Duh!

Crazy56U: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...



The girls then slapped on Soarin's and Blazefist's face hard.



Scarlet: *snaps a picture for posterity*

SC276: That’s what you get for not flying!

JofY: Well, then they would be expecting that.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, that just turned them on. Rainbow and Aqua, that is.



"Where were you?!" Aquastroke demanded angrily.



Rainbow Dash nodded her head, "Yeah! You had me worry.



CaptainPipsqueak: What, me worry?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “(slurring) What’d ya mean I’m drunk, no you’re worry!

(hic!)”



What you've been doing?!"



"Long story," Soarin answered



SC276: [Soarin] “Probably one that could’ve been avoided in any number of ways, come to think of it.”

Crazy56U: [Soarin’] “Too long. Got any booze left?”



before he smiled as he took a Daring Do Book out while giving it to her, "A gift to you, Dash."



JofY: [Rainbow] “Uh… This is just men’s underwear.”

Crazy56U: Damn it, I wanted the gift to be stupid...



Rainbow Dash was speechless while dumbfounded, "Oh my gosh... I can't believe it! It's here!" She turned and looked at Soarin with her shock expression, "How?!"



Scarlet: [Rainbow] “I already own, like, a complete set! Two of them!”

JofY: “In fact, I’ve already made friends with the author!”

Crazy56U: Because bookstores are a myth.



Soarin smiled, "Let's say... I have a friend of mine telling me about it."



Aqua beamed her eyes at Blazefist while helping him up, "Were you the one to told him?"



"You bet," Blazefist smirked proudly.



Scarlet: [Aqua] “Wait, her boyfriend didn’t even know she was into Daring Do?”

[Blazefist] “You’ll have to forgive Soarin’. He’s dumb.”

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “Glad to know I had a point in this story!”



"Oh you..." Aquastroke said happily before kissing on Blazefist's lips gently and passionately.



SC276: Oh great, OCxOC now. We have original fiction for that, author!

Crazy56U: We also have Original Sin...



Rainbow Dash giggled in amusement as she got up and helped Soarin up as well. She then introduced him and two Mystic Ponies to her family



SC276: If you’re talking about the OCs, they already met one. Pay attention to your own plot.

Crazy56U: Okay, now I don’t know what the fuck a Mystic Pony is...



before they had a long chat and good laugh. The party just started…



Scarlet: Is this the part where the Mystic Ponies save Angel Grove from monsters yet?

JofY: No, they live in New Zeighland.

Scarlet: Aaah, good catch.

Crazy56U: ANNNND… scene.



The End...



Main Cast:

Matt Hill: Soarin

David Faustino: Blazefist



Crazy56U: So, you mean to tell me that Bud Bundy-



B.J. Byrne: Laxtinct



Crazy56U: Someone who I think you made up-



Ashleigh Ball: Rainbow Dash

Kelly Metzger: Spitfire, Firefly (G4)



JofY: As opposed to the G3 Firefly in this story.



Madeleine Peters: Scootaloo

Janet Varney: Aqaustroke



Crazy56U: Korra-



Scott McNeil: Rover, Rainbow Blaze



Crazy56U: Chief Thunderhooves-



Gary Chalk: Fido



Crazy56U: Optimus Primal-



Lee Tockar: Spot



CaptainPipsqueak: Zaphod Beeblebrox: Just This Guy, Y’know?

Scarlet: And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver!

Crazy56U: And Gummy all turned out for this?

JofY: Nobody: The entire crew.



Preview:



A Snow Date:



SC276: That’s… not really a pun.

Crazy56U: It’s not even that; if anything, it’s a description of the timeframe of these shorts...



Rarity was dateless since the broke up with Trenderhoof due to some works.



Crazy56U: ...yeah, no. (gets up and leaves)



Sweetie Belle was determined to get her a good date for Hearth's Warming Eve. Who is he?



JofY: Who is who?



Can he help and cheer Rarity up for Hearth's Warming Eve?



SC276: Fifteen bucks says she and “Trenderhoof” hook back up, because how else could this possibly go?

JofY: I’ll take that bet.



Review and Suggest…



CaptainPipsqueak: This is terrible. Stop writing.



Short 4: A Snow Date



At Carousal Boutique, Rarity was helping Sweetie Belle in setting the Christmas Tree for Hearth's Warming Eve since her family were on winter vacation.



SC276: Just like how Free Country, USA celebrate Decemberween and yet has Christmas lights.



For nearly an hour in decorating and completing the tree, Sweetie Bell levitated the golden star up.



JofY: And accidently caused the tree to fall over.



She slowly put it on top of tree's.



Scarlet: Using her magic to split it into a fractal star first, of course.

SC276: It took her an hour to do that.



"All done," Sweetie Belle smiled.



Rarity sighed in relief, "Good to hear. Now that is done. I'm going to do some of dresses."



Scarlet: Why not ALL the dresses?

SC276: All of them.



Sweetie Belle looked shock and surprise as she turned and looked at her older sister, "Huh? Why? Don't you have someone to date with, like Trenderhoof? He is your boyfriend."



"Not anymore..."



"Why? What happen?"



CaptainPipsqueak: [Rarity] “Someone set up us the bomb.”

SC276: Finally, a canon dated by an OC that got her sense back!



Rarity sighed in defeat, "We had some argument lately after the Third Mystic War.



SC276: I hate his continuity already.



Trenderhoof found someone he likes. I can't blame him for not liking the war very much.



JofY: “But he goes on and on, asking what’s it’s good for.”



He's a celebrity, not a soldier."



Scarlet: Well, I know what to say if I ever go through a break-up and get asked about it now.



"Why not find someone else to date with?" Sweetie Belle suggested happily.



Rarity sighed as she answered, "What's the point? I might end up in despair again."



SC276: *holds up a Monokuma plush* Upupupupu…~

JofY: ‘Love is pointless because it can fail.’ Spoken like a true Final Fantasy villain.



She gasped in shock, "THIS- IS- THE- WORST- THING- EVER- HAPPEN!"



Scarlet: Roll the clip, guys. Yes, you know the one.

SC276: The WORST! POSSIBLE! THING! is that you screwed the meme up!

CapainPipsqueak: I think he’s trying to mix that meme with ‘All Your Base’. Quite a bold move.



Rarity gave a loud yet long sigh before falling on her back while levitating the red cushion to her.



SC276: This gag was killed after the episode it was introduced, author. Are you a necromancer?

JofY: I’d doubt it. There isn’t any life at all in this.



She leaned her back to it while showing her weak and unhappy face. She looked at the ceiling.



JofY: “And now the paint’s chipping.”



She closed her eyes in taking a nap.



Scarlet: Yeah, I want to sit this one out too.

SC276: She saw Jane run.

CaptainPipsqueak: How does she keep escaping?



"Oh Rarity..." Sweetie Belle said in concern.



Nothing she can do, Sweetie Belle exited the Casual Boutique as she was looking for a friend to help her out.



Scarlet: The Carousel Boutique had eventually built a casual-Friday geared spin-off.



Sweetie Belle met up with Icy from the Town's Hall. She explained to the latter about the situation Rarity was facing and dealing with.



Icy hummed softly, "That must be hard for her..."



SC276: ...That’s it? “Icy” is her whole name? Gheeze, someone’s parents hated their kids…

JofY: [Icy] “But anyways, onto destroying this planet.”



"I know," Sweetie Belle sighed in concern, "I want to help her. I want to make Rarity to have a good date.



SC276: I want to make this story to have a good syntax.



I don't want to make her sad again." She looked down in sadness and pain,



JofY: She just realized that she had been stabbed.



"not like what my dream had said..."



Scarlet: Did I skip like half a story here? What dream now?

SC276: If it’s referring to the “Ghost of Stitching Future” thing from that episode I can’t remember the name of, being paranoid about driving her sister to ruin is not what I expected Sweetie to become.



"Don't worry," Icy said calmly as she placed her hoof over Sweetie's shoulder, "I'll help you."



"Really?"



"Sure. And I know the pony who can help us too."



"Who?"



"Follow me."



Scarlet: [Icy] “Surprise! It’s me wearing chaps! Rarity will dig this!”



Confused and worried of what Icy was planning, Sweetie Belle reluctant in following her friend to whatever Icy was trying to do.



Both Sweetie Belle and Icy entered Shorty's Invention Workshop.



SC276: Hey, we have a limit, buddy! Two OCs per chapter!

JofY: Didn’t the first chapter have like six?



They checked and met up with Shorty Thinking, who was inventing more of advanced and effective fireworks for Equestria's Celebration Holidays.



SC276: Great, another Brain guy.



Icy explained the situation to him about what really happen while Shorty was working.



Scarlet: Shorty Thinking and Poorly Writing sound like the pair who collabed on this story.



Shorty sighed, "Sorry, Icy. I'm an inventor and strategist to Water Tiger Kingdom,



SC276: “I AM OHM PHLEGM POT CLEANER TO FROND ELVEN KING.”

CaptainPipqueak: Me Grimlock!



not a matchmaker. I don't know much of who is good for Rarity."



Sweetie Belle sighed, "Not one? Come on. There has to be one."



SC276: Why are you asking an inventor about love life?

JofY: Because instead of finding the best boyfriend, they’re going to make it!



"Well, there is-" Putting his glass down, Shorty Thinking took a closer look on firework rocket's flank as he move the wire slowly and gently in putting together with it;



SC276: Why does the firework have a butt?



"-Spike. I heard that he used to have a 'crush' on her. Why not ask him to help out?"



Scarlet: [Shorty] “I mean, who would understand romance better than a drake who’s barely out of elementary school?”



Icy smiled, "Good idea."



JofY: Pedophilia, and bestiality. The best ideas.



"Got problem," Sweetie Belle said in concern,



SC276: When suddenly, Russia.



"Spike's with Twilight. They're making for some Hearth's Warming Eve."



SC276: Meanwhile, we’re making for the border.



"Well, that's too bad. There's nothing I can do," Shorty Thinking said as he put the rocket aside.



Scarlet: [Shorty] “I mean, unless you want me to take the Carousel Boutique by storm using only myself and three bottle-rockets.”



"Speaking of 'nothing'," Icy said curiously, "Aren't you going to have some holiday after the work?"



"Not really. I'm busy. I can't afford to slack off. My home may require my service. I have to be ready."



SC276: And you’re here and not at the aforementioned home because why now?



"Don't you have... 'crush' on Rarity?"



JofY: Excuse me sir, do you have a cup of crushed Rarity?



Shorty Thinking hummed softly while bitten his lips gently, "Sort of..."



Scarlet: How terribly convenient!



"Maybe you should take her out?"



"Nah... I don't think she would take a geek like me out for a date."



Scarlet: Yeah, those geeks. Always with the building of fireworks and siege weapons and planning to defend their kingdoms!

SC276: Yeah, that line just proves he’s gonna be the one. No use fighting fate now.



"Come on..."



"I say 'no', Icy. Please, I'm busy now..." Shorty insisted.



Icy huffed in annoyance at Shorty's ignorance and refusal of taking Rarity's out.



JofY: Her search for an assassin went nowhere.



Instead of disappointing, she smiled; leaving Sweetie Belle confuse.



SC276: Not just her.



"Fine. We're leaving," Icy said calmly as she and Sweetie Belle exited the workshop.



Scarlet: [Icy] “Peace out, bitches, I don’t have to be in this story anymore! Woooo!”



"Icy, what are you doing?" Sweetie Belle asked in worry.



Icy gave Sweetie Belle a smile, "I've got the plan. And you're gonna like it."



SC276: We’re not, most likely.



Sweetie Belle looked worry and confuse of what Icy had said but decided to listen to her plan...



At the frozen lake during the evening, Rarity worn with both pink and white stripes of scarf and a snow hat like she was waiting for someone.



SC276: Well mostly she’s waiting for the ice to break so she can get out of this story...



She sighed in annoyance as she was nervous and worried about meeting her secret admirer since she received this evening.



SC276: Does it really make it a secret admirer if it’s one time? Just feels cheap to me.

JofY: Well, using the word stalker costs more.



While waiting, she spotted a familiar unicorn worn with crimson scarf and goggle entered the area. Rarity gasped in surprise.



Scarlet: Not Tai from Digimon! I didn’t want to do another Displaced fic!



'Shorty Thinking is my secret admirer?' Rarity thought in shock.



SC276: [Rarity] “I thought he was gay!”



Shorty Thinking look surprise and shock, 'Rarity is my secret admirer?!' He gulped in fear as he approached to Rarity's location while smiling in nervous.



SC276: And frowning in ecstatic.



He thought, 'Okay, be polite; don't hurt her feelings.'



Scarlet: [Shorty] “Just tell her you’re gay. It’ll be easy. You can do this.”



Rarity gulped in fear, 'Okay, be polite; don't hurt his feeling.'



Scarlet: [Rarity] “Just tell him you’ve known he’s gay for like six months now and he can stop pretending. It’ll be easy. You can do this.”



Rarity cleared her throat as she nervously said, "Shorty, how are - you?"



JofY: [Shorty] “I’m gay!... Uh... You know… Happy?”



"Hmm... Uh... Oh... Fine," Shorty answered nervously before cleared his throat, "How're about you?"



Rarity smiled nervously, "Good... Good..."



Scarlet: [Shorty and Rarity] “God damn it!”

SC276: Have they fallen through the ice yet?



Shorty and Rarity looked down and stared at the lake for the moment before they looked at each other again. They smiled.



SC276: So, wait, the water isn’t frozen? When it’s winter in Ponyville, where we know it’s like the north U.S. as far as weather?



"So..." Rarity asked nervously, "do you like skating? I was sure that the Water Tiger Kingdom had done this before in their lives."



Scarlet: Every single one of them, including the old and senile!

SC276: Is the lake frozen or not?!



Shorty nervously laughed, "Well, it's true... But-" He bitten his lips hard and shown his nervous and embarrassed crimson face, "I'm not exactly good at it. So, I ashamed to do it."



Scarlet: Don’t laugh, he once lost an ancestor to an honor-suicide brought on by poor skating performance.



Rarity giggled nervously, "It's okay. I'm not used to it too. But I will help. Just follow what I do."



Shorty gulped in worry, "Okay..."



Rarity and Shorty tied up with their snow skating as they were all prepared to skate. As Shorty made his move in skating, his legs shaken as he tried to stable himself on the frozen lake. Trying to stand up, he was shaking hard as he struggled in getting together while standing straight. He fell his head on ice hard.



Scarlet: Quick, roll the credits!



Rarity gasped as she approached to Shorty and helped him up. She then helped and taught him of how the skating works.



SC276: [Rarity] “It’s a bit like a lawnmower. First you yank this cord really hard...”



Each time he tried, he fell to the frozen ice by his face, back or sides very hard. As they both continued, Shorty finally manage in getting use to skating on the ice. He laughed happily as he skated gracefully and gently across the ice.



Scarlet: We’ve secretly replaced the ice on this pond with paper-thin safety glass! Let’s see if they notice.



Rarity giggled happily as she then started in skating with him. Both her an Shorty Thinking skated happily while showing their moves in crossing, jumping and landing on ice gracefully, gently and happily. They both smiled at each other as they continued skating.



Scarlet: Do they just sell scenes like this for a dollar at the local bookstore?

SC276: More like a dime a dozen. Which is cheap as fuck in this economy.



Icy and Sweetie Belle were hiding behind of bushes.



SC276: Do they fart?



They watched and seen what Shorty and Rarity had been doing. The little fillies smiled happily and in relief.



Scarlet: Icy is a filly which was obvious of course.

SC276: This is a direct result of voting for the Fazpony fic. I’m starting to regret that now.



As Both Rarity and Shorty Thinking stopped their skating, they looked at each other's faces. They both smiled in relief and happy for each other's company. All they did was staring and looking at each other.



Scarlet: SC, roll the song clip. You know the one!

SC276: ~And I looked at her… / And she looked at me...~



Unable to wait for long, Sweetie Belle jumped up and screamed, "Aw come on!"



JofY: [Sweetie] “Tell them you’re gay already!”



"SWEETIE BELLE!" Three ponies exclaimed in shock and worry.



Sweetie Belle yelped in shock and worry, "Oops! Hi Rarity..."



SC276: Caught by the meme! The exact opposite of saved by the bell.



"Sweetie Belle?! Were you the one send a letter to me?!" Rarity asked angrily.



SC276: Did the word “to” push the author in the mud and laugh at them as a child?



Sweetie Belle nodded her head. She groaned in annoyance as she marched straight to her younger sister while muttered, "I swear to Celestia's when we get back home, you and I are gonna-!"



Scarlet: Um, wait, how did Sweetie Belle being present remotely indicate she sent the letter?

SC276: And Icy took advantage of the distraction to vamoose, apparently.



Rarity tripped on the ice as she was about to fall down. Seeing her falling, Shorty quickly grabbed her before pulling and holding her up.



JofY: And cut her with the skates he was wearing.



They both gasped in shock as they felt their heart beating quickly and hard while looking at each other for a moment.



Scarlet: Is this in the display case behind the ice-skating love scenes at those bookstores?



They quickly departed while laughed nervously and embarrassed. They then smiled at each other before holding their hooves while looking at each other. Both Icy and Sweetie Belle sighed in relief before heading to meet up with both Rarity and Shorty Thinking.



SC276: I still find it hard to believe she’s just named “Icy.”



"Rarity, I'm sorry for going behind your back to write a secret admirer's letter to you and Shorty," Sweetie Belle apologized.



Scarlet: [Sweetie] “I can’t believe I didn’t realize Shorty was gay!”



Icy nodded her head, "We just want to make you both happy."



SC276: No matter the cost.



"Oh... I can't stay mad, can I," Rarity joked before hugged Sweetie Belle to her, "But I'm happy now. I'm so relief to have a good gift."



Shorty Thinking nodded his head, "Me too. This is the best Hearth's Warming Eve I ever had..."



SC276: ...It just now occurs to me that fireworks are stupid things to have for Christmas.



Rarity and Shorty Thinking leaned close and gave each other a long yet passionate kiss to each other's lips. Both Sweetie Belle and Icy smiled happily.



Scarlet: [Shorty and Rarity] “We instantly regret this decision.”



The End…



Crazy56U: (comes back) Is it over? ...good.



Main Casts:

Jackson Robinson: Shorty Thinking



Crazy56U: I’m… not entirely sure this is a real person, given how Google only gives me results for Jackie Robinson when I try to look him up. ...so, unless Jackie Robinson came back to life and became a voice actor...



Tabitha St. Germain: Rarity

Claire Corlett: Sweetie Belle

Kristen Belle: Icy



Scarlet: And introducing Adam Ant!

Crazy56U: Oh, hey, it’s Veronica Mars. ...‘kay...



Preview:



CaptainPipsqeak: Next time, on a very special episode of Clone High...



My Guardian Bat: Fluttershy was asked by Cheerilee to perform a beautiful song at the school but refused due to her stage fright. Can Terrorcreep help and convince her to perform in singing? Will his appearance affect the school?



Scarlet: I’m just going to take this box of bad touch jokes, set it down next to me, and pull them out as the need arises.

SC276: ...Terrorcreep. Terrorcreep. That’s… *chokes a bit* Mykan’s names are less stupid. There, I fucking said it!

Crazy56U: ...yeah, no. ...again. (gets up and leaves)



Review and Suggest...



SC276: STOP. NOW.



Short 5: My Guardian Bat



JofY: Or as it’s otherwise known, “My Guardian Chicken of the Cave”



During the morning, Fluttershy was checking on all of the animals as they were all heading straight to the small and big caves, trees' holes and more shielding area for them.



Scarlet: In order to avoid winter’s AoE.

JofY: Quick! Get to the cover!



She was helping and making sure that all of the animals had the comfortable and good place for them to take the hibernation.



SC276: And move it someplace else.



But some animals like ducks and birds were leaving the area while migrating to the dry and warm area for them to live and stay.



Scarlet: Those ungrateful bastards would be hunted down and shot in good time.



Other than her helping the animals, Terrorcreep also helped her in checking on the animals.



SC276: The animals the animals, the animals. The animals? The animals!

JofY: The animals.



While they were checking, she hummed softly yet harmonically during their working. Most of the animals smiled happily as they listened to her while moving and entering their sheltering areas.



Scarlet: I know that’s supposed to be Fluttershy there, but the sentence confusion makes me think Terrorcreep is actually a Disney Princess.

SC276: Is there a lesbian pairing in this fic? I would like to know that straight-up.



Terrorcreep smiled as he looked and listened to her beautifully voice in singing and humming. He also decided to join in singing as well.



SC276: And then all the animals ran away.



Both Fluttershy and Terrorcreep continued humming and singing while working for nearly an hour.



JofY: They were both losing their voices by now.



Aftermath, they both took a break in resting. They took a sip of water.



Scarlet: A little glass of water, please?

SC276: ~A fresh-pressed hanky if I sneeze...~



Terrorcreep turned and looked at Fluttershy, "That was impressive, Fluttershy. Your voice of singing have touch my soul..."



Scarlet: There is no chance to escape make you time.

SC276: Despite being a couple and Fluttershy always being a great singer, this is the first time he’s heard it.



Fluttershy smiled before nuzzling on his head, "Thank you. That was very kind of you, Terrorcreep."



SC276: Everyone else is finding it ridiculous that she’s supposed to be saying that with affection, right?!



"Fluttershy, there was something I ask."



"What is it?"



"If you had a sweet angel voice, why won't you go for the audition? This will help you achieve more success..."



Scarlet: [Terrorcreep] “And then we’ll go all the way to the top, baby! Think about it, you and me kid!”

SC276: He’s dating her, and he can’t figure that out himself?



Fluttershy yelped in fear before shaken in fear and worry, "Me?! Audition?!" She gulped in worry before shaking in fear, "I don't think I can do it. I really can't."



Sensing fear within her body, he spoke calmly and firmly, "Was the fear of going to the stage doubt your ability or disapprove from the audience?"



JofY: Surely, it’s not because you just don’t want to do it.

CaptainPipsqeak: Don’t call her ‘Shirley’.



Fluttershy sighed before nodded her head. He sighed, "I know how you feel, Fluttershy. You shouldn't let fear get to you. You can do it."



Scarlet: Shia Labeouf briefly considered making a cameo here but decided his image couldn’t take the hit.



"I know... But I can't. I'm sorry."



SC276: End the chapter now. End the chapter now!



"Fluttershy... There are times you need to do it; not for yourself but for others. Because if you don't, there will be sadness and pain."



JofY: Yes, the fate of millions depends on you, doing karaoke.

CaptainPipsqueak: And the fate of billions rests on you saying ‘No.’



Fluttershy thought of the moment before she sighed, "I guess. I can try, Terrorcreep."



SC276: Those OCs, they drive me to drink!



Terrorcreep had his bat wings in grabbing and covering Fluttershy's body before smiling at her, "Everything will be fine. I promise."



Scarlet: And Terrorcreep has grabbed someone. Bad Touch Joke #1, go! *tosses it into the air*



Fluttershy smiled. She liked Terrorcreep so much for showing his smile and reassuring, even though he was just an undead yet Vampire Mystic Pony.



SC276: This is morning, right? Which means unless he’s following Marceline rules, Fluttershy’s dating a Twilight pastiche.



To her, she was his Prince Charming. Both Fluttershy and Terrorcreep gave each other a gentle nuzzle.



Scarlet: I’m sorry, but now I’m picturing Fluttershy starring in an Utena crossover and actually that doesn’t sound terrible.

CaptainPipsqueak: Whatever works for you.



Both Fluttershy and Terrorcreep were on their way back to the cottage. They both spotted Discord talking with Cheerilee. They headed off to the house at once.



"Discord? Miss Cheerilee? Can I help you or something?" Fluttershy asked curiously.



Scarlet: What is this, the gathering of alternate ships?

SC276: Isn’t that called a harbor?

JofY: No, it’s just a pier.



Discord gasped in surprise as he dashed and scooped his best friend up before giving his excited and happy face, "Fluttershy! Thank goodness you're here!" He hugged her tightly and passionately, "You won't believe what Miss Cheerilee is here for!"



Scarlet: *holds up Discord’s excited and happy face* God, these things are so easy to detach in this story!



"So what is it?" Fluttershy asked.



Discord cleared his throat as he put her down to the ground gently. He then had his tail pushed Cheerilee to the front of Fluttershy. He answered, "I want to say. But I hate to be spoiler."



SC276: So be rotter.



He turned and gave Cheerilee a gleeful smile, "Go ahead. Tell her. It's special and amazing..."



Scarlet: Shhh, be careful everyone. They can sense our disappointment.



Cheerilee smiled while having her eyes rolled up, "Okay, Discord. Fluttershy, the stage manager hired you for the school."



JofY: “Without your permission.” (What the hell?)



She gave Fluttershy a narrowed eyes and shown a sly smirk. Fluttershy looked confuse as she placed her ears before Cheerilee. Cheerilee exclaimed happily, "You've been made as the Singer for our Hearth's Warming Eve."



"WHAT?!" Fluttershy gasped in shock and worry while jumped up high.



Scarlet: You know, as Fluttershy is wont to do.

SC276: Dick move, stage manager!



Fluttershy then slammed to the ground hard. She covered herself with her hooves while shaking in fear and worry. Discord, Cheerilee and Terrorcreep looked at her in both shock and worry.



SC276: Worry worry, worry. Worry? Worry! I’m doing this a lot this fic, it feels like!



Cheerilee turned and looked at both Terrorcreep and Discord, "I thought she would be happy."



Scarlet: [Cheerilee] “I’ve never met her before in my life!”



Discord shrugged, "Something tells me that she's still not ready for the stage."



"Tell me something I don't know," Terrorcreep said sarcastically.



SC276: Hey, dumb-name, we’re the ones that get to snark around here!



He then lowered himself down as he spoke with Fluttershy, "Fluttershy, please. The students need you now."



JofY: They’ll die if you don’t perform!



"I can't. I can't do it." Fluttershy protested.



"You promise me that you'll try."



SC276: She didn’t “promise” shit.



"I know. But I'm not ready. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't."



Scarlet: The mantra I repeat every time I start a riff!



"Please Fluttershy," Discord begged while giving his big yet cutie eyes, "I beg of you. Please sing. Sing for these kids. You wouldn't want to disappoint them now, would you?"



SC276: Oh you shush, you three-year-old’s drawing.



Cheerilee nodded her head in agreement, "Please, Fluttershy. We need you. You can do it."



Scarlet: Attempts to reach Shia Lebeouf were met with failure.

SC276: But nobody came.



Fluttershy shook her head hard, "I'm sorry. I won't. I can't do it."



"Fluttershy..." Terrorcreep said in concern and worry. He hissed in pain while clenched on the ground hard. He had some thoughts as he spoke, "If you won't do it, then I will."



Scarlet: [Terrorcreep] “Don’t laugh, I’ll just do some shit from Phantom of the Opera!”



Fluttershy, Discord and Cheerilee gasped in shock and surprise of what Terrorcreep had said.



"No! You can't!" Fluttershy protested.



JofY: “We’re still finding bodies from the last time you tried.”



Cheerilee nodded her head, "In truth, Terrorcreep; This play involved only Fluttershy as a sweet Angel who sang the song of Harmony for everyone to listen and calm down from the argument. And above all, everyone who fights made peace. This is very special for tonight's celebration."



Scarlet: [Cheerilee] “We cast her, made her costume, and built the sets all without her knowledge or consent!”

[Discord] *thumbs-up*



"She has the point," Discord nodded his head while reading the script, "though there is a room for a stallion to play. He can be placed as the jealous ravaging Demon who wants attention but turned back by most of ponies as threat.



Scarlet: [Discord] “Not exactly my best idea, I admit. Maybe if the demon was actually several hundred talking mice operating as a gestalt entity…”

JofY: Nah. Already been done.

Scarlet: Holy shit, you read The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents too?



But because of what an angel did, she had touch his heart and be together as one. It is after all called 'Angel and Demon of Winter'. That's an interesting story I might say..."



SC276: [Discord] “And given the tread of terrible authors writing plays, it’s totally not a recreation of how you two actually started dating.”



Please Fluttershy," Terrorcreep lowered down before Fluttershy, "Sing. I will be there for you. I can sing with you together."



Scarlet: [Terrorcreep] “Sing, my Angel of Music! Sing for me!”

SC276: Maybe once you get a new starting quotation mark.



Fluttershy looked down as she had thoughts before looked at Terrorcreep, "Do you think I can do it?"



Terrorcreep smiled, "Leave everything to me..."



Scarlet: Aaand I think that’s creepy enough for Bad Touch joke number two!



Fluttershy hummed in concerned yet softly. Cheerilee turned and looked at Discord as she hoped he has the answer. He turned and whistled innocently while shrugged.



SC276: [Discord] “Don’t look at me, for once a tense change isn’t my fault.”



During the night, most of adult and children ponies had been gathered at the stage which was neared to the Ponyville Schoolhouse.



JofY: The hunt had begun to find the rest.



Everyone chatted happily with each other. Some commented and discussed about the play 'Angel and Demon of Winter'.



Scarlet: “Can you believe they’re actually using our tax dollars to produce this crap?”

SC276: “Did the play about the founding of Equestria just not get funding this year or something?”



Behind the curtains, Terrorcreep was dressed in his demon warlord robe while his makeup was pure black with white circles and crimson stripes like Chinese Opera Actor's Makeup.



Scarlet: You know, as was traditional in Ponyville.

SC276: Does he have prop wings and horn so we can call red-and-black alicorn OC?



Fluttershy dressed in her western angel's robes. They both were ready to perform. Stage Manager Light Purple Unicorn



JofY: ...BAHAHAHAHA! I don’t think I could have come up with a funnier name in this fic!

Scarlet: Her parents eventually apologized to her, but no amount of ‘sorry’ was ever enough.

SC276: Are you kidding me, you have like a baker’s dozen of named OCs in here and you couldn’t come up with something for this guy?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Although he prefers to be called ‘Ralph’.



with blond, Cheerilee, Discord and Fluttershy were there as well. They were having some discussion with him.



Discord swooped and whispered to Terrorcreep's left eye,



SC276: Because ponies hear with eyes now.



"I hope this plan of yours work. Hopefully, she will do it."



CaptainPipsqueak: “Or something...unfortunate will happen to a family member.”



"Yes. I hope so too..." Cheerilee asked curiously.



Scarlet: FOUL! Spoken sentence does not match the chosen verb! Author! Five line penalty, still fifth chapter!

JofY: Doesn’t that mean he has five more lines to write?... YOU BASTARD! You’re gonna make us read more!?

Scarlet: Why does everyone keep thinking that means more and not less?



Terrorcreep smirked, "Just stay back and enjoy the show."



Stage Manage sighed in defeat, "I give up." He cleared his throat, "Places, everyone!"



The Stage Actors galloped at once as they prepared themselves for the show. Discord and Cheerilee exited the backstage while leaving both Terrorcreep and Fluttershy to speak.



Scarlet: [Fluttershy] “I resent all of you.”

[Terrorcreep] “What now, dear?”

[Fluttershy] “Nothing.”



"I hope you know what you're doing," Fluttershy said in concern.



SC276: I highly doubt that.



Terrorcreep kissed on her forehead, "Trust me, my dear. Everything will be fine."



SC276: Solely because the author wills it. Because logic left about halfway through that last chapter.



Reluctantly to accept it, Fluttershy nodded her head before following him to the stage. The play 'Angel and Demon of Winter' was about to start…



Scarlet: Some of Joss Whedon’s earlier work is best forgotten.



Everyone gathered and sat on their benches as the play was about to start. Below the stage, the musicians played their instruments harmonically and calmly. The crimson curtain pulled aside. The brown hooded cloak came out before removed the hood. It was none other than Zecora.



Scarlet: Played for us this evening by a brown cloak, apparently.

SC276: Oh god, the character requiring rhyme and meter as written by this author.

JofY: Why does my mind fill with hate?



"Greetings, my little pony,"



JofY: You failed fic. Any miniscule chance you had to succeed has vanished. You are dead to me.



Zecora spoke calmly, "For tonight, you shall witnessed a tale; a tale of a rampaging demon and the kindhearted angel. Now shall the tales begins after our kingdom formed as one: Equestria."



SC276: Pretty sure that didn’t rhyme. Pretty sure that didn’t rhyme.



Zecora moved aside. Another crimson curtain was pulled aside again as it begin the show.



Scarlet: The crimson curtain’s got a wicked stand-up routine, but we’re not going to leave it on stage for that. There are kids in the audience!



The area revealed to be an ancient and old days of Equestria where three types of ponies were one and united. Most of them work as the farmers, workers, soldiers, business ponies, teachers, entertainers, traders and more.



Scarlet: Assassins! High-class escorts! Meteorologists! Riffers!

JofY: Comedians! Athletes! Reporters! Hobos!

CaptainPipsqueak: That weird quiet guy who lives across the street!



Some were having fun with each other by singing, playing, dancing, grooving and doing what they wanted.



JofY: They’ve gone off script.

CaptainPipsqueak: “...smoking pot, having unprotected sex, listening to that evil rock n’ roll music…”



Most of the foals were playing with each other for the games, studying their books or working with their masters and parents.



Zecora: The tale you hear

Is the beginning of our ancestors

A once ravaged land

Has turned to harmonic



Scarlet: Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

CaptainPipsqueak: She no rhyme. Why she no rhyme?



Zecora: No hatred, no anger, no rage

Can be seen…



JofY: Then you just aren’t looking hard enough.



The Harmony of Heart

Reigned over the land…



Scarlet: Zecora, the hell mare? Aren’t you contractually obligated to give us shitty rhymes in a fic like this?

RingmasterJ5: “Zecora, the Hell Mare” would probably be a much better fic.

SC276: This isn’t free-verse beat poetry night here, zebra-girl!



Zecora: Ponies of all Three

stand as one...

None has breached its

Harmony…



Scarlet: Then one day I found the Blue Card, and everything changed.



During the winter, the ponies continued their usual business and doings while preparing their very first celebration for Hearth's Warming Eve.



Scarlet: The end.



BOOM!



JofY: Oh, sh- We’re under attack!



The ponies gasped in shock and surprise. They looked up and spotted the clouds had darkne.



JofY: It will be dark soon.



They were in shock and fear as they witnessed the appearance of Terrorcreep as Demon Vampire Pony



SC276: So, male Marceline as a horse.



dressed in his black and darken Chinese Warlord's Robe. He hissed in anger. He shown his pure hatred, anger and raged while glaring at the ponies.



Scarlet: Shit, run! It’s a Noh performance!



Zecora: The land was struck

By the appearance of a Demon

He who shows no heart for them

He cares nothing.

For he was pure angered

By their happiness and joy



Scarlet: African shaman telling the history of a mostly European culture through Asian performance methods. Ponyville is nothing if not culturally diverse.

CaptainPipsqueak: She no rhyme. Why she no rhyme?



A Demon smirked darkly and evilly



SC276: Not the one on stage, there was another one watching from the audience.



before chuckling and darkly as he cast and unleash a dark spell on the ponies. Most of them argued with each other. Some fought and battled with each other to the death.



Scarlet: Yeah, stocking items to cure Rage seems like such a low priority right up until the boss begins spamming it!



Zecora: To entertain his amusement

A fight they have

He cast a spell

A spell of hatred

Till he's satisfied…



Scarlet: Well, now we know what drew us to this story in the first place!

SC276: Oh my god, if you’re not going to actually rhyme, stop talking.

SC276: Will someone slap him? I think his needle’s stuck.



As the fight continued between three tribes, the Demon smirked darkly and evilly. He chuckled darkly.



Demon: At long last...

Your happiness has turn to

Pure hatred and anger

It feeds me…



Scarlet: The ‘your riffs only make me stronger’ bit is always a bluff. I’m calling it!

SC276: I raise!



I will live on...

I shall make this world...

Be mine...



Demon chuckled evilly while looking at most of ponies fighting and arguing with each other for two weeks. As they continued battled, the blood spilled out from their bodies and mouths.



SC276: Now keep in mind this is being played by elementary schoolers.

JofY: Wait till act two when they start fornicating.



Demon smirked evilly and darkly.



Scarlet: You know. For kids!



Demon: Everything goes right...

Everything I desire...

Has come true!



Scarlet: [Demon] “I got a Playstation 4 for Hearth’s Warming! Yayyyyyyy!”



?: No... Please... No...

Let them go…



JofY: Bizmillnah! No we will not let them go!



Let them go…



JofY: Bizmillnah! We will not let them go!



Let them go…



JofY: Bizmillnah! We will not let them go!

Scarlet: No, no, no no, no, no.

SC276: ~Let them go, let them go… Can’t hold it back anymore...~



Demon yelped in shock as he looked up and spotted a bright light shined from the clouds.



JofY: It’s called: the sun.



As the cloud departed and revealed the concerned and worried Fluttershy dressed in her white robe and flowery crown-like on her head. She continued singing as the ponies were freed from Demon's Dark Spell. They turned and looked at the event.



Scarlet: But their levels were too low, and they could not participate without grinding for EXP.

SC276: But from killing each other, they probably have plenty of LV by now.



Zecora: There she is...

A heroines from Heaven...

Answers our prays...

The Angel has come...



Angel stood before the Demon. She bowed and begged while Demon snarled in anger as both of them talked...



JofY: Well that’s just rude.



or singing of the discussion…



Scarlet: Welp, here we go again. Musical barrage mode, engage!

SC276: Oh god, singing from an author that can’t fucking rhyme, this is going to SUCK.



Angel: Please, O' Mighty Demon...

Lift your Dark Spell...

These ponies need no wars...

Suffer they had enough...

They deserve the peace...

Let them go…



Scarlet: ~Let them go, let them go! Don’t hold them back anymore~



Demon: Never!

Never shall I let them go!

They shall not be freed!

I shall not tolerate it!

They shall pay the price!

They shall make me satisfied!



Scarlet: ~You who called me brother, why must you cast down another blow?/Is this what you wanted?~

SC276: This is turning into that Goddess of Spring Silly Symphony.



Angel: Please let them go...

They've done nothing wrong to you.

They've know nothing of you.

They've meant no harm to you…



Scarlet: ~Thus saith the Lord!~



Demon: Harm they have brought upon me!

Happiness brought wrought upon me!

Peace knows nothing of my needs!

Joy brought me harm and pain!

I stand not much longer!

I demand the war!

I demand their blood!

I demand their darkness

To feed me!



Scarlet: ~Cuz I’m just a sweet transvestite/From transexual, Transylvania~”



Angel: Please let them go...

Anger brings no needs to you...

Your heart shall be empty...

If war you desire...

The ponies shall be dead...

No lives can be found...

I beg you of their freedom...

I beg you of their peace...

I beg you of their happiness...

Take me…



Scarlet: ~Down to the Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty!~

SC276: This is barely a song.



Demon [shock]: Why? Why must you do it?



Scarlet: ~I hope you’re happy! I hope you’re happy now!/I hope you’re proud of how you’ve hurt your cause forever, I hope you think you’re clever!~

SC276: ~I hope you’re happy! I hope you’re happy too! / I hope you’re proud of how you would grovel in submission, to feed your own ambition!~



What do you desire for these mere mortals?

They were nothing but weakling and tools to us.

We, Immortals, are great and powerful

Must we care for these fools?!



RingmasterJ5: ~Tom, listen to yourself, then listen carefully to me/If you replace the working parts, you get a different machine~



Angel [Firm]: They are not fools!

They are no tools to us!

They are no weak to us!

They have something that you understand nothing.



Scarlet: ~Nothing but the blood of Jeeeeeesus!~



Demon: What understanding must I understand?!



Angel: A song of Heart…



Scarlet: ~Don’t dream it, be it~



Demon looked surprise of what Angel had said. She cleared her throat as she sang harmonically and happily. The song she sang was completely different as if it came from different country.



Scarlet: It came from a land down under. Where women glow and men thunder!



As the song she sang, the ponies listened to her and even Demon. As he listened, his anger and hatred slowly melted and seen her something special to him.



Angel: I understand your pain

You suffered too long

You need not pure anger

To survive



Scarlet: ~and stalk his prey in the night/And he’s watching us all with the Eyeeeeee! Of the Tiger!~



Life is not about hate and rage

But joy and love in your heart

What you did makes no better

What you want hurts innocents



Scarlet: ~He had it coming! He had it coming! He only had himself to blame!/If you’da been there- if you’da seen it! I betcha you would have down the same!~

SC276: ~And everyone said “Sit down / Sit down, you’re rockin’ the boat…”~



What you did was pain

So, please stop...

Bring good deeds to this world...

Free them from your cruel

Let them go…



Scarlet: ~Let them Go, turn away and slam the door!~



In return, I shall teach..

I shall guide you...

I shall help you...

I shall be with you...

I shall be your friend…



Scarlet: ~Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun! Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood~



Demon [shock]: Friend?

What word you spoke?

A word that touch my heart.

What feelings I felt?

I never felt before.



Scarlet: ~What is this feeling so sudden and new?~

SC276: ~I felt the moment I laid eyes on you...~

Scarlet: ~My pulse is rushing!~

SC276: ~My head is reeling!~

Scarlet: ~My face is flushing! What is this feeling?~

SC276: ~Fervid as a flame, does it have a name…?~

Both: ~Loathing! Unadulterated loathing!~



Angel: It's 'love'



Scarlet: Oh come on Fluttershy, we just did the entire damn beginning of the duet!



It's what makes us happy and strong...

It comes from your Heart.

Loneliness you can never be...

You have a friend...



SC276: Love at first sight between an angel and a devil. The stuff of melodrama.



Demon thought of what Angel had said, he sighed in defeat as he lifted the Dark Spell on the ponies. They smiled happily and cheered happily. He turned and looked at the Angel who smiled at him. He smiled.



Scarlet: ~All I wanna make you do is smile, smile, smile…~



Demon: I don't know how...

But for the first time...

I did right for these mortals...

I felt joy and happy...

Is this how Mortal feels?



Scarlet: Loathing. Unadulterated. Loathing.



Angel: Yes...

It is our true needs...

And you shall never be in pain

Nor alone, my friend…



Scarlet: ~Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better, but because I knew you/I have been changed for good~



Demon smiled: I have two words...

Thank you…



Scarlet: There’s a hole in the world. It’s a deep black pit. It is filled with fanfics that are filled with shit. Every line of this song inhabits it.

SC276: No, that would require calling it a song!



Demon smiled as he bowed before Angel while she returned a bow to him. The ponies cheered wildly and happily.



Zecora: A tale you have seen...

A lesson you shall learn…



Scarlet: ~Careful the things you say/Children will listen~



Loneliness can be friends...

Anger can be happy...

And soon, harmony is where it starts...

Till the end...



As the scene went black, the crimson curtain closed down.



SC276: Quick, while no one can see, kill the cast!

JofY: Huh? I’m sorry, I zoned out. What happened?



Everyone cheered wildly and happily while giving applause to the play. Discord whistled happily before flying out. Cheerilee clapped her hooves happily.



"Now that's an act! Fluttershy did it!" Cheerilee cheered.



Scarlet: Screw Fluttershy, applaud me! Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it was to read through all that?

SC276: *applauds Scarlet* Bravo! Bravo!



The curtain opened again. It revealed Terrorcreep, Fluttershy and the casts



SC276: How many ponies took “break a leg” literally...?



as they gave a bow to the audience. They stood up. Fluttershy looked at Terrorcreep while smiling. She then gave him a hug.



"Thank you so much," Fluttershy thanked happily.



Terrorcreep smiled before nuzzling her head, "I told you to trust me. Your voice inspired them.



JofY: Huh? Inspired them to do what?



And now for the special gift from me to you."



Scarlet: Bad touch joke number three!



"From me as well," Fluttershy smiled.



Terrorcreep and Fluttershy leaned and kissed on each other's lips before flying up to the moon.



SC276: Maybe you’ll find some bananas…!

JofY: Celestia was trying a new form of banishing.



The moon shined brightly upon them. Discord worn a cupid robe while holding his bow and cupid arrow. He turned and glanced at the readers.



Scarlet: DISCORD, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! Get back behind that fourth wall right now!



"Don't you just love 'Vampire' and 'Girl' relationship? This is way better than 'Twilight' Franchise.



SC276: No, Twilight at least had complete freakin’ sentences with all the words!

JofY: At least Twilight had an actual story.



And I meant the drama film," Discord commented before blinked his right eye, "Tata! Enjoy your Christmas, readers."



Scarlet: I’m going to convert to Islam and start celebrating Ramadan instead just to spite you.

Crazy56U: (comes back) ...I take it I missed a fun one?



The End...



Main Casts:

Matthew Mercer: Terrorcreep



Crazy56U: Jesus, how can you “go” from There Will Be Brawl to this mess...



Adrian Libman: Fluttershy

John de Lancie: Discord

Nicole Oliver: Cheerilee

Lee Tocker: Stage Manager



Crazy56U: Hey, Gummy. ...again...



Brenda Circhlow: Zecora



Scarlet: And Bernadette Peters as the voice of Rita!

Crazy56U: And Onion Bubs as himself.



Preview:



CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Next time, on an all-new Stargate...



Party in a Town: Pinkie is now a Scrooge, and refused to make a party for Hearth's Warming Eve.



SC276: BECAUSE PLOT!

Crazy56U: What, did she get bitten by a Radioactive Ebenezer Scrooge, or something?!



Cheese Sandwich, Tailtech and future Flare Tiger



Crazy56U: (gets up) ... No, no, not yet... (sits back down)



are on the job to solve the mystery and finding why she was behaving 'Scrooge'.



JofY: So harsh that it ain’t grammar.

Crazy56U: ...did she get bitten by a Radioactive Scrooge?!

CaptainPipsqueak: ~Pinkie Scrooge, Pinkie Scrooge, does whatever a… um…~



Can they solve the problem before it's too late to make a party?



Scarlet: And more importantly, will anyone else make it far enough into the riff to find out?

Crazy56U: Let me guess, they “Christmas Carol” the fuck out of this?



Review and Suggest...



CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, I don’t think he’s even listening to us anymore.

SC276: You’ve already proven you suck at doing anything resembling a decent story. Don’t ruin A freakin’ Christmas Carol. Particularly with the character least likely to go Scrooge on us.

Crazy56U: Here’s a review for ya! (gets up and leaves)

SC276: Aaaaand that’s triple word score.



Reference:

The whole song is completely original, no parody or sources; though it was inspired by both Mama Mia and The Phantom of Opera 2004's soundtrack.



Scarlet: die the death sentenced to death the great equalizer is death.

SC276: Whoa there, witch-boy. You’re gonna hurt someone doing that.

Scarlet: That’s the point.

SC276: I was thinking more of the risk hurting you. Or me. Especially me.



Short 6: Party in a Town



SC276: ~The party’s in a town, the party’s in a town...~



Hearth's Warming Eve was here on Ponyville.



SC276: Also, are all these shorts happening at roughly the same time?



Everyone was preparing the party for the holiday's celebration. They were happy and relief to have it so much.



JofY: Hold on a sec... We have too much relief. Send it back. Send it back.



But one was not.



SC276: The Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville?



At the Sugarcube Corner, Mrs Cake was knocking on Pinkie's door twice.



Scarlet: Remember- always double tap.



"Pinkie Pie, please!" Mrs. Cake called, "Hearth's Warming Eve is here! We have to start the decorating the house and the area now. Please come out. Ponyville needs you."



"Not coming out! I'm not coming out!" Pinkie cried angrily. She huffed loudly, "So not in the mood!"



SC276: Neither am I, yet I go to the family Christmas party anyway.



"Pinkie... Care to tell me? I can help you." Mrs. Cake asked in concern.



"No! Not telling! Never will! HUMBUG!" Pinkie cried in anger before giggled a bit. Mrs. Cake yelped in worry. She continued, "It's kinda fun being Ebezener Scrooge..."



JofY: Congratulations! You’ve made your protagonist an ass, and unrelatable!



Mrs. Cake placed her right ear on the door as she listened to what Pinkie had said. Pinkie shouted, "When someone is grumpy and angry as I am! And I REALLY AM ANGRY! You think you're happy?! I'm not! I'm so not!"



Scarlet: The drama of this story will be resolved in about five minutes when everyone realizes Pinkie has discovered the concept of trolling.

SC276: May God have mercy on our souls.



Frightened and shocked by Pinkie's tone, Mrs. Cake was scared, "Oh dear... What has happen to you..."



SC276: Complete OOCness, from the looks of it. I prescribe twelve years of primary school. For the author.



At the restaurant's ground floor, Mrs. Cake was talking with Mr. Cake about Pinkie's latest and recent behavior while she was feeding some porridge to both Pumpkin and Pound Cakes. Mr. Cake looked worry as he looked up at the stairs.



JofY: ‘Did I remember to child-proof these?’



"What has gotten into Pinkie? I haven't heard such things since 'Gummy's Second Party Problem' and 'Rainbow Dash's Party Competition'. Something has happen to her long before meeting us."



Scarlet: Oh no, we are not going to visit childhood pie trauma!

JofY: Hmm… These events are clearly similar to other events before. Must be her past.



"Or maybe last year," Mrs. Cake added. She sighed, "What are we gonna do? We can't just start decorating the house or Ponyville without her help. She's the best Party Organizer Ponyville has ever had before."



Mr. Cake sighed, "I understand, honey. But what can we do?



JofY: How about hiring someone else?



She won't open her mind to us."



Scarlet: [Mrs. Cake] “I’ll go get the hypnotist.”

SC276: [Mrs. Cake] “I’ve heard good things about this ‘Trance’ fellow.”

[Mr. Cake] “Wasn’t he murdered like a decade ago?”



"If she doesn't, then Ponyville will be... partiless. Not sure if there's such a word."



SC276: Well you just said it.



Heard of what their parents had said, both Pound and Pumpkin Cakes cried in despair loudly.



SC276: *looks at the Monokuma plush* ...Yeah, uh, I don’t think this is doing it for him.



Seeing the children cried, both Mr. and Mrs. Cake grabbed them both while patted them gently and calmly. The Cakes then looked at each other with their worried looks.



Scarlet: Fortunately, they’d still had those on hand.



"What are we gonna do? We need to do something for her," Mrs. Cake said in concern.



SC276: Well for starters, don’t put your fic through Google Translate.



Mr. Cake hummed softly as he had some thoughts. He smiled, "I think I know someone who can help us to solve the problem."



SC276: An editor?

CaptainPipsqueak: A liter of vodka? I call mine “Comrade.”



Mrs. Cake looked surprise of what her husband had said. Both Pumpkin and Pound Cakes giggled happily as they said 'two words'.



Scarlet: Bull. Shit.



"Pinkie... Happy..."



In the world of darkness,



SC276: Vampire: the Masquerade or Changeling: the Lost?

Scarlet: Personally I like Werewolf: The Apocalypse. For Gaia!



a spotlight turned on and shined on someone from the stage. Cheese Sandwich was dressed in his detective suits and worn fedora hat and black sunglasses while his boneless rubber chicken was also dressed in his black suit and sunglasses as well.



Scarlet: Half a point for adorably cute idea with crummy execution. Then minus all the points for a visual gag in a text-based medium.



"I smell danger. I hear disturbance. I see pain," Cheese said firmly before smirked,



RingmasterJ5: Oh god, reading all these lines in his voice is going to hurt, isn’t it…

JofY: Well, read it in an overly dark Batman voice. So far, it fits.



"There's been recent report that a little girl refused to help and decorate the town's special holiday.



Scarlet: [Cheese] “And also Pinkie Pie, who is clearly not a child!”



Because without her, there won't be any party." He gasped in fear before dramatically posed in pain and sad, "The pain... The horror... The struggle...



CaptainPipsqueak: “...the endless breadsticks…”

SC276: “...the three-component couplets…”

JofY: “...the rock and roll…”



I will help this poor soul!" He show his determined looks while raising his right hoof, "Mark my word. Boneless and I shall solve the crime! This criminal will be brought to justice!"



Scarlet: Cheese Sandwich- the bloodstained destroyer of party poopers.

SC276: He is the night.



WHACK! Cheese yelped painfully as the black world and a spotlight's light turned into Sugarcube Corner's lobby. Cheese rubbed his head gently and calmly as he turned and looked at the unamused and annoyed Tailtech; as well as confused Cake Family.



Scarlet: Tailtech was also there and is apparently a person!

SC276: He’s the boyfriend for this chapter, I’m guessing. Why isn’t he trying to do shit?



"What?" Cheese asked in shock and confuse.



Tailtech groaned in annoyance, "We're not here to solve the crime. We're here to talk with Pinkie; your girlfriend..."



Scarlet: He has a girlfriend?



"I have a girlfriend?" Cheese asked in surprise.



Scarlet: Cheese, buddy! Slow on the uptake, but thanks for joining in!



"Cheese Sandwich!"



SC276: oh my god, they’re having Weird Al date Pinkie, FF.net doesn’t allow RL fanfic...



"Okay. Okay. Okay! Yeesh... No need to get so dramatic. Besides... Being detective is awesome and fun."



Scarlet: Talk about your hard-boiled idiocy.



Tailtech sighed in annoyance, "You're way worse than Laxtinct."



RingmasterJ5: Okay, out of all the weird pony names we’ve seen so far in the fic, that’s the one that just… gets me. Is there any way that name doesn’t have to do with laxatives?

CaptainPipsqueak: Seems kind of apt to me: the story’s already shit.



He turned to Mr. and Mrs. Cakes as he bowed before spoke, "We're glad to be here to help."



"Thank you so much, Tailtech," Mr. Cake smiled happily, "We appreciated so much.



Scarlet: [Mr. Cake] “Nothing you’ve done, mind you. We just appreciated so much in general.”

SC276: “Tailtech” reminds me of Sonic Generations, and why am I not playing that instead of sitting through this nonsense?



Mrs. Cake nodded her head, "Can you help us? We're really worried about Pinkie. I've never seen her like this before in my life."



SC276: Because they were out of town during “Party of One” apparently?



"Do you have any idea of why?" Tailtech asked.



Scarlet: Insert “oh Just look at the time” trollface image here.



Mr. Cake shook his head before spoke, "I'm afraid not. But I do noticed something else..." Both Tailtech and Cheese looked at him. He continued, "Last year's Hearth's Warming Eve, Pinkie went back to her old home for party because of her family reunion.



SC276: That’s not until season 5, author.



And after that, she returned to here. And for the first time in my life, she was pained and upset."



Scarlet: You know. Not counting those other times in the course of the show she’s been pained and upset.



Mrs. Cake nodded her head, "Something bad must have happen to her family or something. We tried to help but she refused to tell us. What has happen to her?"



SC276: Did you freakin’ kill the Pies off offscreen, author? You better not have. I will end you. Somehow.



Tailtech hummed softly before sighed, "There's one thing we can do."



Scarlet: End the story prematurely! Let Pinkie go, you monsters!



"Candies?" Cheese asked happily.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Cyanide capsules? They’re mint-flavoured!”

JofY: Ooh! *Tries one.*

RingmasterJ5: You two aren’t getting out that easily.



Tailtech groaned in annoyance while slapped on his forehead, "No. Talk with Pinkie. Hopefully she's in good to listen and talk to us."



SC276: If she was, she would’ve talked to the Cakes.



"Oh. Sure not a problem," Cheese said happily.



Mr. and Mrs Cakes smiled and sighed in relief, "Thank you so much."



SC276: You’re not welcome.



At Pinkie's Room, it was darken and grayish tone.



SC276: Twas darken and ye grayish tones did gyre and gimble in ye wabe...



Pinkie was no longer a happy or bright pony while having a straight and flatten mane and tail. She was crying and sniffing as she looked at the photo frames.



JofY: Mind you, there weren’t any actual photos in there.



She hummed and vocalized calmly and gently yet sadly.



Scarlet: Oh sweet Cthulhu no.

SC276: Wait, what- oh you’re kidding me



Pinkie: I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I'm OK

But that's not what gets me



Scarlet: This… I… two songs in the same riff? God damn it! I’ve only got so many times the showtunes-barrage gag can be funny!

SC276: OK, one, you can’t kill off the freakin’ Pies, and two, you can’t rhyme a word with itself!



Pinkie cried loudly before grasped and grabbed the photo frame to her body.



RingmasterJ5: Is now really the time for a tears and shot speed up?

SC276: Where’s the freakin’ Hermit, I want outta this dump!



She took a glance on the rest of photo frames which has most of Pie Family Reunion in celebrating their Hearth's Warming Eve. She continued singing.



Pinkie: What hurts the most

Was losing you

I haven't so much to say...



JofY: So don’t say anything.



And seeing you disappeared

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin' to do



Scarlet: Welp, that does it. That was so terrible I actually hated the entire concept of musicals for a full ten seconds. That takes effort.

CaptainPipsqueak: I hate the concept of musicals on general principles - ten minutes of story followed by five minutes of singing.

Scarlet: That’s because you have no soul, apparently watched really crappy musicals, and also this story isn’t helping. You see what you’ve done, author?

SC276: You were at least trying to rhyme before, why do you keep fucking up?!



Pinkie was about to sing but heard a knock on her door.



JofY: What are you talking about, she wasn’t singing… That was lyrical speaking.



She turned and opened it. She found a box in front of her.



JofY: !



She looked to left and right before bringing it in. As she opened it; the colorful streamers, balloons, confetti and banners shot right in her face.



JofY: [Pinkie] “My eye! Oh sweet Celestia, it hit me right in the eye! OWWW!!!”



She heard the party whistle blowing wildly.



Scarlet: Allow me to show you the proper response to this, Pinkie! *slams the door*



Pinkie shaken her body off the confetti and streamers. She gasped in shock and surprise as she found Cheese Sandwich smiling happily while playing his accordion.



SC276: Of course he fits in the box. Because we’re not following any sort of rule whatsoever. Not rule of funny, not rule of logic…

JofY: I’m still thinking of him as Batman.



"Cheese Sandwich?!" Pinkie asked in surprise and shock.



Cheese: Good to see you here,

My dear Pinkie Pie!



Scarlet: oh no. Oh no no no no no. You are not writing shit lyrics for Pony Weird Al.

RingmasterJ5: This is one of the only times I would actually WANT Topher coming in and shooting everyone.

Scarlet: Speak for yourself. I think I’ve still got whiplash from last time!

SC276: Does anyone have a Pokémon with Soundproof?!

JofY: WHAT?



Cheese jumped and hovered over Pinkie before opening the door. Tailtech marched in while sighed in annoyance.



"You know we could just knock the door or rammed it," Tailtech said in annoyance.



Scarlet: [Tailtech] “Right to privacy is not a concept I am familiar with, beep boop.”



Cheese chuckled happily, "Come now. Wouldn't it be much more fun with me to surprise Pinkie?



JofY: EEEK! Criminal! *Starts spraying pepper spray.*



Now we can talk with her."



Pinkie shown her moody and annoying face, Tailtech gulped in fear, "I don't think she's in the mood to talk."



Scarlet: Pinkie doll- now with moody and annoying face! New from Hasbro Bootleggers everywhere!



"Have you come to ask me to do decorating the party?!" Pinkie asked angrily. Both Cheese and Tailtech nodded their heads. She groaned in annoyance before shouted, "Get out of my house now!



JofY: Don’t the Cakes own the place?



HUMBUG!"



SC276: Bah!



"Bugs?! Where?!" Cheese asked in shock.



Tailtech sighed, "She meant 'Not Mood for Hearth's Warming Eve'!"



Scarlet: She must’ve picked up a seasonal job in retail or something.

SC276: Again, I go to the Christmas party anyway!



Cheese chuckled happily while waving Tailtech's worry exclaim. He then brought Pinkie Pie closed to him while laughing happily, "That's crazy. You're crazy, Tailtech.



JofY: Tailtech was then declared Criminally Insane.



Besides, Pinkie and I are cool to do it!"



"So not! HUMBUG!" Pinkie shouted on his ears and his Afro hairs blown out.



Scarlet: And then Pinkie made Cheese Sandwich bald. Not a sentence I expected today.



Cheese gave Pinkie a glare while brushing his flatten and blown hairs down into his Afro Hair. He groaned in annoyance before took a deep breath. He smiled, "Now, now; Pinkie, let's not get into any bad moods.



SC276: Too late.



It's Hearth's Warming Eve! So, let's talk about your problem from last season? How about it?"



Scarlet: Oh shit no! The fourth wall is there for a reason, stop poking your damn heads through it!



"NO! HUMBUG!"



CaptainPipsqueak: Gesundheit!

JofY: Rabbit Season!



"Hearth's Warming Eve!"



"HUMBUG!"



CaptainPipsqueak: Gesundheit!

JofY: Rabbit Season!



"Hearth's Warming Eve!"



"HUMBUG!”



RingmasterJ5: ...I’m just going to stop you two right there, two times was enough.



"Hearth's Warming Eve!"



"Pinkie, please," Cheese snarled while glaring at Pinkie, "Don't push me!"



Scarlet: ~I am warning you, Javert!/ I’m a stronger man by far!/ There is power in me yet/ my race is not yet run!



"No, you don't!" Pinkie exclaimed in anger, "HUMBUG!"



"THAT'S IT!" Cheese exclaimed in anger as he jumped and pounced Pinkie to the ground, "You take that back, You SCROOGE!"



"NEVER! HUMBUG!" Pinkie exclaimed in anger as she pushed Cheese back hard.



Scarlet: For christ’s sake, just agree to get her the stupid BB gun for Christmas! She won’t shoot her eye out!

SC276: ~Christmas! Bah, bug, and hum!~



Cheese fell on Tailtech's back to the ground hard. Pinkie screamed in anger as she jumped and slammed on them both hard.



JofY: Who’s ready for WRESTLEMANIAAAAAAA!?



Three of them started the fight in the puff of smokes and clouds while shouting and exclaiming to each other. They screamed in pain and anger.



SC276: No, that’s us.



As someone cleared her throat, the trio stopped from fighting. They turned to the room's window. They found and spotted Flare Tiger in front of the swirling portal while waving to them.



Scarlet: Oh of course, Flare Tiger. That guy. He’s… um… a Tiger crossed with a Final Fantasy spell.

SC276: That sounds so goddamn made-up it’s almost realistic.



"Flare Tiger? What are you doing here?" Tailtech asked in shock and surprise.



Flare Tiger smiled, "Brought a guest here."



Flare Tiger moved aside and revealed Maud Pie coming out from the portal.



"Maud Pie?" Pinkie asked in shock.



Maud remained calm and firm yet unemotional spoke, "We need to talk... Very serious..."



Scarlet: Must. Resist. Adding. “About rocks.”

SC276: [Maud Pie] “I am the Ghost of Rocks Past.”

JofY: [Maud Pie] “I am also the Ghost of Rocks Present and Future, but they don’t carry the same weight.”



Seeing how Maud talks, Pinkie nodded her head. She agreed to talk with her sister and her friends about the mood she was having lately since Hearth's Warming Eve began.



Everyone had been gathered at Sugarcube Corner



SC276: Weren’t they there already?



as Pinkie explained about what really happen before during her last 'Hearth's Warming Eve'.



Scarlet: If the answer isn’t childhood trauma or murder, I don’t want to hear about it.



"So, what's really going on?" Cheese asked.



Pinkie sighed as she explained, "Like every year of 'Hearth's Warming Eve',



SC276: “...except the one where I was in a play...”



I visited my family for the reunion. It was very special and important for me to do, and especially to my Grandpa Pie."



Everyone but Flare Tiger and Maud Pie were surprised and shocked. Pinkie continued, "Like every year we did; we chat, we sing, we play, we watch, we joked, we wished and we pranked; my family were having so much fun... just before we were about to open the present. And that time... my Grandpa Pie got a heart-attack.



JofY: [Grandpa Pie] “I got you a HRRRNNNGH!”



My mom and dad called the best doctor to save him... but his beating is dying…



SC276: No, The Beat Goes On.



That day... That very day pains me.



JofY: [Pinkie] “Granted, it probably hurt him more, but it’s not like he’s alive to feel it.”



It was my fault of not seeing it! And so... I'd never want to talk about it or deal with this event again.



JofY: [Pinkie] “Nobody knows what I’m going through!”

[Maud] “...”

[Pinkie] “Shut up!”



It's too painful and scary for me to deal with."



Scarlet: Well, I got half my wish! Yay death in the family!



Pinkie sniffed before crying, "It's just... It's just too much for me to handle. I can't. I just can't!"



SC276: And yet we continue riffing.



Pinkie cried in pain and despair.



JofY: [Pinkie] “I stubbed a hoof!”



Everyone looked shock yet pain and saddened by her sad story.



SC276: As are we. This story is sad, in more ways than one.



They looked down in despair.



SC276: *looks at the Monokuma plush and tosses it away* He is not pleased with the offering.



Pound and Pumpkin cried in sadness. Both Mr. and Mrs. Cakes took them up while patted on their backs.



Scarlet: Cheese, don’t you dare start singing.



Maud Pie approached and hugged Pinkie. She departed and explained, "Pinkie... You shouldn't blame yourself. Grandfather Pie needs to go.



JofY: [Maud] “Do you know how much the retirement home’s bills are?”



He can't stay here..."



Scarlet: ~I know who I want to take me home~

SC276: Wait, is he dead or not? I thought he was dead.



"How could you say that," Pinkie asked in shock.



Maud sighed as she explained, "Pinkie... Life is short.



JofY: It’s approximately 6 seconds.



It's impossible to do everything in time." Pinkie looked down. She continued, "It's not perfect too. You can't expect everything to be perfect. All we can do is enjoy what was left here. It's what Grandpa Pie did the most before his passing..."



"I don't understand, Maud..."



Scarlet: Oh look, one of my other riff mantras!

SC276: We don’t either, because the author sucks at English.



"A letter from Grandfather will make you understand, Pinkie," Maud Pie said as she passed the letter to Pinkie.



As Pinkie opened the letter, she read it:



JofY: ‘Q’



'Little Pinkamena Diane Pie,



My little favorite party pony, I'm so proud and happy of what you became. You make me smile. I cannot remember the last time I had this joy while being the Rock Farmer.



JofY: [Letter] ‘...I think I took the wrong career path.’



As you must know, life is short and painful too because it's impossible for us to do anything. My time is coming to the end. But it doesn't scared me because... I want to enjoy my every and last moment of happiness.



Scarlet: “To that end, I have replaced everypony’s toothpaste with garlic paste and trained a rabid wolverine to chew on your father’s hat.”

SC276: I think I want to read that fic.



Life can be sad and pain, but it doesn't mean we should be because... there were other things we can do. And that is to smile and laugh while we still can. Your father told me of how you make the gloomy farm into a happy farm. Because of that, he sent you to Ponyville to make everyone smile and laugh.



SC276: “That, or he just wanted you out. It’s hard to tell sometimes.”



That is one thing I like about you. I like your smile.



Scarlet: “I hope someday to remove it and wear it as a scarf.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “The rest of you can fuck right off.”



It may pained you much... but I cannot be the burden to you or your family. My body may rotten but my spirit shall live to watch over you.



SC276: The vodka is good, but the meat is rotten.



Remember, Pinkie... Do not be saddened by my passing, but to move on and enjoy every last moment of life. Treasure it well. And keep on smiling.



Scarlet: “And remember- always drink your ovaltine.”

JofY: [Pinkie] “Darn.”



Your favorite grandfather,



CaptainPipsqueak: “Which, let’s face it, is a fifty-fifty chance either way…”



Grandpa Pie...'



SC276: Not even anything resembling a proper pony name? Not even one attempt at a rock or earth pun?



As Pinkie lowered the letter down, she sniffed and cried in tears of despair yet joy.



JofY: Hold on a sec. *pulls out megaphone* Hey Maud! Why didn’t you give this letter to Pinkie a year ago!?



She cried and sobbed. Maud Pie approached and gave her younger sister a hug. Everyone that heard the story smiled while crying. Flare Tiger smiled as well before using her handkerchief in wiping her tears off while blowing her nose off.



Scarlet: Also, Flare Tiger is a woman which was mentioned before too.

CaptainPipsqueak: Several minutes were spent searching for Flare Tiger’s nose. It has rolled under the sofa, which is the last place anyone looks.

SC276: The one positive is that this isn’t a rip on A Christmas Carol as I feared. On the other hand, it still freakin’ sucks.



As both Pinkie and Maud Pie departed, Maud spoke, "Pinkie... You're not the only pony missed him. I missed him too.



JofY: “But my aim is-” ...Damn it.



He inspired me so much. I was so happy the treasure he gave me." She sighed, "I know it's painful to accept it but... we have to move and be happy of what we had. It's what our grandfather wants."



Scarlet: Do not feel grief! It is Pie Family Law!

SC276: I’d probably rant about how telling someone to get over something sad is a terrible idea, but it’s been a year.



Pinkie sniffed before she smiled, "I know, Maud. And you're right. Grandpa Pie wouldn't want me to cry and Scroogie,



SC276: That sounds like a Ham-Chat word.

JofY: Ponyville must be home to some terrible, terrible, parents.



he wants me to make everyone smile. I love to see my friends smile."



Maud smiled, "Good to know. And I'm so happy to see you smile. Your smile is my treasure."



Pinkie nodded her head, "And so as yours, Maud. Thank you."



Scarlet: *presses button marked ‘d’awwwwww’* Oh hey, I still had this thing!



Cheese bounced in between Maud and Pinkie



SC276: Like the ball in a game of Pong.



before hugging them both tight, "That's the spirit, everyone! Now that's the problem is clear. We can start decorating the Ponyville! It's Hearth's Warming Eve!"



SC276: I think it’s quite evident by now that English is not this guy’s first language.



Everyone but Maud and Flare Tiger yelped and gasped in shock and worry.



Scarlet: Maud is taciturn, but Flare Tiger genuinely gives no fucks as her time in this fanfic is pretty much contractually taken care of.

SC276: I swear, “Flare Tiger” sounds like some dumb kung-fu move or something. Or maybe I’m thinking of a Maverick.



Pinkie giggled happily, "Yes, it is; Cheesy!



JofY: This fic?



We're gonna celebrate it with everything we have! Life can be short, but never gonna stop me from making everyone smile!"



Maud gave Pinkie a raised right-eye, "Is Cheese Sandwich your boyfriend?"



"Yes. Yes, he is," Pinkie smiled.



"Oh..." Maud Pie said calmly.



SC276: See, she’s not buying it either.

Scarlet: Her heart seethed with jealousy.



Tailtech approached to the trio as he asked, "How are we gonna do it?! We're having a short time to complete it! It's already Hearth's Warming Eve!"



SC276: Hearth’s Warming Cannon?



Flare Tiger giggled in amusement before slapped on Tailtech's back, "Come on, foxy pony!



SC276: If this guy is based on Tails, I’m going to freakin’ kill somebody.



These two are the best party planners Equstria called for! They can do anything, and even impossible possible! With Pinkie's back on her good and happy mood, Ponyville will be decorated! Go Team Party!"



Scarlet: I’d like to reiterate that bit about converting and switching religious holidays out of spite.



"Yeah!" Cheese and Pinkie exclaimed wildly while Maud said unemotionally.



The Cake Family smiled in relief and joy while Tailtech sighed in annoyance about Pinkie Pie.



"Why do I even bother?"



SC276: Why are you bummed, Grinch? Christmas just got saved.



Pinkie and Cheese were riding on the Super Party Canon.



SC276: And lo, said the Lord, there willst be cake.



They fired its thousand canons at the city, towns and areas.



JofY: Uh... Guys... You’re supposed to be doing that to Ponyville.



They were filled with thousands of confetti, streamers, balloons, fun games, masks, drawings and more. As they both continued their work of decorating the area, the citizens of Ponyville cheered happily and wildly to Pinkie and Cheese.



Scarlet: They brought it all back, the gifts and the feast! And Cheese himself carved the Roast Beast.



As the Team Party continued decorating the Ponyville with more of their decorative and creative designs; Cakes Family, Maud, Flare Tiger and Tailtech were standing behind the Sugarcube Corner as they watched the event go.



Mrs Cake sighed in relief, "I'm so relief to see Pinkie go hyper again."



SC276: Just wait till she goes Mega. Then Super, Ultra, Extra, Giga, and eventually Meta.



"Yes. Our Pinkie is back into action. Our only number one assistant," Mr. Cake nodded his head.



Scarlet: Somewhere, Spike feels his title begin to lose value.



"Pinkie Pie..." Pound and Pumpkin cheered happily from Mrs. Cake's baby-holders.



Tailtech turned and looked at Flare Tiger as he asked, "Flare. How did you know Pinkie being upset and asked Maud to help?"



Flare smiled, "Just a hunch."



"A hunch? Seriously?"



SC276: Just call it what it is, author: narrative convenience.



"Eeyup. My tail tingled means something bad had happen from the past. I learned it from the future of mine.



JofY: Fic, what did I say about your OC amounts?



And of course, I knew what really happens to Pinkie before today."



Scarlet: “She gets eaten by a whale! By the way, we’re all in the middle of a time paradox now and Pinkie’s her own grandmother.”



"You knew it?! If you did, why didn't you tell us?! We could have calm her down before we talk. But instead, we get beaten up!"



"What? I checked out on my script of what really happens to Pinkie before I went and find Maud Pie to help out. After all, Maud has her grandpeppy's letter. And it is for Pinkie if she ever gone Scrooge."



Scarlet: Somewhere, a Community Theater’s performance of “A Christmas Carol” suffers from the loss of its lead actor.

SC276: Are you telling me this guy inhabits Pinkie’s fanon fourth-wall characterization and does a crap job of it?



Tailtech groaned in annoyance, "You're so random!"



SC276: Yes. Yes he does.



"Tell me something I don't know," Maud said gloomy before smiled, "But it's one thing I like Pinkie Pie so much. It's my treasure."



Scarlet: Five minutes later, Pinkie was stolen by a group of intergalactic pirates en route to their next movie appearance.



Tailtech sighed, "I guess so. But life can be short," he smiled, "but we're gonna enjoy every happy moment of our lives. We still have some time to do after all."



CaptainPipsqueak: “Another five to ten.”



Maud nodded her head, "Yes..."



SC276: Particularly after this fic’s over.



As the rest smiled while watching the event, Cheese and Pinkie continued decorating the Ponyville for the Hearth's Warming Eve.



SC276: The-the-the-the-the-that’s all, folks!



They both turned and glanced at each other. They both smiled.



Scarlet: And without warning they leaped out of the fic and into the formless void!



"I'm sorry of what I did. I guess it's stupid," Pinkie apologized.



Cheese smiled as he held Pinkie to him, "No worries. I'm just glad you're back to the one I had admire." He nuzzled her muzzle gently and calmly, "But you owe me a kiss."



SC276: ...Why?



"That can be arranged, Cheesy..." Pinkie smiled.



Cheese and Pinkie gave each other a long passionate kiss while riding Super Canon Transport across the Ponyville.



Scarlet: A bit early to declare the ship canon, there, son!

Crazy56U: (comes back) Hey, I made it for the smooch!



The End...



Main Casts:



Crazy56U: They had two back up casts just in case the given one attempted to

escape.



Adrian Libman: Pinkie Pie, Pumpkin Cake

"Weird Al" Yankovic: Cheese Sandwich

Kate Higgins: Tailtech



Crazy56U: So, for the last holiday short, you “managed” to get Miles “Tails” Prower-

SC276: Are you fucking kidding me?! OK, that’s it. Any volunteers for murder victim?

Crazy56U: (raises hand) Yo.



Jennifer Hale: Flare Tiger



Crazy56U: And Samus Aran for this. ...wonders never cease.



Brian Drummond: Mr. Cake, Grandpa Pie

Tabitha St. Germain: Mrs. Cake, Pound Cake

Ingrid Nilson: Maud Pie



Scarlet: Starring Tim Curry as Darkness!

Crazy56U: And starring Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki as Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles!



Notes:



That's all folks. This is the last shorts I make.



Crazy56U: God is real.

Scarlet: Only after he wrote 600k words. God is real, but he hates us.



That was some tiring. But worth my effort. Merry Late Christmas!



SC276: For crying out loud, you couldn’t even finish on time?!

CapainPipsqueak: Now let’s envision what this would have been like if he’d rushed. You may scream if you wish.

Crazy56U: Christmas is dead. Santa is quitting over this. Good job.



References:

1. 'What Hurts the Most' Pinkie sang was inspired by 'What Hurts the Most' but with different lyrics…



Scarlet: The alternate title for this story!

SC276: Did the original song rhyme? I’m looking this up… Yes, it does rhyme. Which means the author just freakin’ sucks!

Crazy56U: Uh… yeah, what you said!





Scarlet: And… we’re done! Holy shit! SC, pinch me!

SC276: I’ve got a stuffed animal tied to a mallet. Will that work? I spent everything else trying to kill off the thoughts of self-harm I got reading this tripe. Terrible language that looks straight outta Babelfish, OCs doing everything everywhere - I think only Pinkie and Fluttershy actually do shit - and oh yeah, two songs that don’t rhyme, part of which is done by a character that always speaks in rhyme! Who thought this could possibly be a good idea?!

Scarlet: I’ll forgive the prose, assuming this guy’s still practicing English, but holy shit this was a prime slice of delicious riff. And it was nice to get something this week that didn’t make a right turn into creepytown, like some of our previous *cough*KUDZU*cough* subjects have been.

JofY: Personally, my mind hurts. What should have been six fics about love and caring for one another just turned into pain. The first one had criminals, holding one’s self hostage, and non-sequiter greed. The second one just seemed like it put the concept of surprise on trial. The third one made no spacial sense. The fourth one is about as romantic as any other blind date. The fifth has no actual story. And the last is just plain stupid. Combine that with loads of OC’s both with bad names, and bad characterizations. With a mountain full of bad grammar, and you just end up with what this story is. Yellow snow. It’s easy to see what it is, and one should never consume it.

Scarlet: Yellow Snow…what do you even call a six part story? Yellow Snow Cycle? I think I’ll adopt that one.

Crazy56U: I apologize for repeatedly bailing on the story, but I call that an early Christmas present to myself and definitely not because I got a Wii U as my actual early Christmas present and it ate up my time! Definitely not that! … (leaves to go play “Super Mario Maker” again)

Scarlet: We’ll miss you, Crazy. But hey guys, it’s time to get really hype! Next time, or better or for worse, we’re coming to you live from your nearest shady merchandising booth at a convention to transport you to the wild and wacky world of Displaced! Will Cure Operator be able to defeat the evil canon empire and bring a dose of silliness and laughter to the very concept of a multiverse? Find out next time, on The Slender Woman Diaries!



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Oh hey, a bunch more short fics were submitted just in time for the 15th. Guess we’re doing this thing again.

Fallen Prime: Thanks for pulling in all that extra muscle, Sigma.

RingmasterJ5: We might end up needing it this week, since the fics here get pretty bad. The first is one of those weird cases where someone takes a “haunted game” and tries to turn it into a story, which never really turns out well.

Fallen Prime: I dunno, there was an NES Godzilla one I didn’t mind. Couple monsters in that are in the running for Colossal Kaiju Combat.

RingmasterJ5: No, that’s the thing: This isn’t a creepypasta, like that was. It’s literally someone taking the “haunted game” itself and trying to turn it into a story.

Fallen Prime: Well. Fuck me sideways with a rusty sawblade.

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t say stuff like that unless you really mean it.

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, “Flutter Island.exe”, by Dragonborne Fox and submitted by the author.

Fallen Prime: ...god DAMMIT, Foxy.

Crazy56U: Let’s get this out of the way right now...

MrSing: You should have acted. She’s are already here. The Community Shuffle told of her return. Our jokes were merely delay, until the time after the Shuffle opened, when the members of Fimfiction would submit their own fics. But no one wanted to believe, believe she even exist. And when the truth finally dawned, it dawned in weird haunted game crossovers. But… there is one they fear. In their tongue, she is Fox, Dragonborne.

Sigma: Please don’t give Foxy any more ego than she already has.



Chapter I - Dark Void



Sigma: Hey, no, Darkrai’s banned!

Crazy56U: No. Fuck you. (unleashes an army of 6 Darkrais) Do you have any idea how long it took to make this team?!

RingmasterJ5: Ten minutes in an Action Replay?

Crazy56U: Ding.

Bucephalus: As opposed to light void- it just looks like the end of a tunnel.



Fluttershy trotted to the edge of a cliff, standing far enough away to avoid falling.



CaptainPipsqueak: Because we wouldn’t want a creature capable of flight to fall, right kids?

Crazy56U: Hey now, “Dragonshy” showed that Fluttershy’s wings could lock up in fear, that may have happened here...

MrSing: That’s okay Fluttershy, not all of us can live on the edge. [Linkin Park blares in the distance]

RJ: But can’t she help herself from falling? [Aerosmith blasts for the other direction]



She looked up at the sky. Unusually violet clouds hung low under Luna's moon.



JofY: Wait a sec, those aren’t clouds… It’s noxious gas! Run!



The rest of the sky was what seemed a brownish-purple.



Sigma: That’s what happens when someone takes a dump in the skybox.

CaptainPipsqueak: Foolish Sigma; have you not heard of the glorious color brurple?

SC276: She’s seriously tripping out right now.

Crazy56U: Huh, I’ve always joked that Fluttershy did or has experience with drugs… Glad to see someone else shares that thought…

Bucephalus: It’s moments like these that I wonder why I riff with you guys. You’re ruining my Saturday mornings.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pretty impressive, seeing as it’s Sunday.

Bucephalus: I’m from last week’s riff.



It was dreary, to say the least.



Scarlet: Well, at least we’re skipping past the bright and sunny morning.

Crazy56U: Don’t tempt it.



But not the kind of dreary one would expect-- this was a dreary that seemed to have been born of what is known as Pony Hell itself.



Scarlet: “Nothing is more dreary and hellish than low-hanging clouds painted purple by the soft light of a setting sun, set against the picturesque vista of a magical kingdom.”

SC276: I thought Pony Hell was Tartarus?

Crazy56U: Pony Hell is separate from Tartarus, it’s actually the Equestrian Detroit...

MrSing: Pony Hell is googling MLP with the safe search disabled.

Topher: I did that once. SO… MANY… DICKS… Including on characters that are female.

JofY: Well, sometimes Hell needs to take a day off.



There was a vast assortment of stars in the sky, some a bright blue, some a dark red, some pure white altogether. It was horrible and marvelous all at once, and there was simply no denying it.



CaptainPisqueak: So she didn’t bother.

Waterpear: How, exactly, are America-colored stars dreary? Is Fluttershy a freedom-hating communazi?

SC276: I would think most of Equestria’s stars would be pure white.

Crazy56U: Oh boy, Luna got drunk and is painting the stars again...

MrSing: This is not how the Doppler effect works!



Fluttershy had found a sign at the far, far end of the cliff.



Crazy56U:

MrSing: “Watch out: Cliff”

JofY: “If you are reading this, you’ve gone too far.”



On it was a piece of paper, with a seemingly poorly-scrawled note.



Scarlet: “Am writing to inform you that this was bad idea. Abort before chapter continues.”

SC276: Why is the writing on the paper and not the sign itself again? Come to think of it, who puts a sign that close to the edge of a cliff?

Crazy56U: “Hello, I am a Nigerian Prince looking to share his fortune…”

MrSing: “Due to technical difficulties this cliff is out of order.”



It was so poorly written that even Twilight Sparkle couldn't decipher it.



Crazy56U: W-wait, Twilight’s in the scene, now?

MrSing: Pheh, Twilight can’t even write. Why do you think she makes Spike take all her letters?



Worse, it was written in blood.



CaptainPipsqueak: So of course Fluttershy goes to check it out. Jason Voorhees would be having an orgasm right now.

Crazy56U: “BRB Need to get a pen.”



"Who could've done such a thing...?" Fluttershy questioned.



Sigma: It was I, Dio!

SC276: Well in my experience with video games involving blood… someone that’s been murdered.

Crazy56U: Someone who had some spare blood but hates blood banks?

MrSing: Have you ever been so clumsy you opened an artery while writing a note?

Topher: Yes.

Scarlet: Topher, opening someone else’s doesn’t count!



Suddenly, the cliff's edge began cracking, as if breaking itself from the rest of the rock that held it there in place--which was exactly what was happening.



Scarlet: Well, at least this time we’re jumping right into the action. Even if that action makes no sense because-

CaptainPipsqueak: So the cliff fell...just like a falling cliff?

SC276: The ship bobbed on the surface of the water in the exact way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ah.

Crazy56U: ...did the cliff just commit suicide?

Bucephalus: When inanimate objects begin to jump ship, you know something’s up.

CaptainPipsqueak: Lucky cliff...



Thankfully, Fluttershy was unharmed, because when the cliff began tearing at the very slightest, she began flapping her wings with such haste she became airborne.



Scarlet: -because yeah, that. Huh.

Crazy56U: ...oh, she could use her wings. I recant my earlier “Dragonshy” comment.

MrSing: Stop being competent or we’ll have to end the story in a non-stupid way.



The yellow Pegasus began jumping from cloud to cloud,



Crazy56U: And then the Rolling Stones began to yell at her.



sometimes going skywards, sometimes descending;



Sigma: Sometimes spinning in little circles or drawing dicks in the clouds.

SC276: Why wouldn’t she jump back to where the cliff was attached to?

CaptainPipsqueak: Because story. Shaddup.

Crazy56U: And sometimes collecting coins and jumping off of flying turtles. And then CD-i Mario began yelling at her.



depending on what cloud she thought she needed to go to



MrSing: That cloud looks like a bunny, that one like a cake. Oh! That one looks like the next platform I need to jump to!

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, a lot of those clouds were thunderclouds...



as well as where said cloud was. Some clouds had three unusual coins, forged of solid gold.



Scarlet: I begin to regret the chain of life decisions which has brought me to this point. I am now riffing Super Mario Maker With Ponies.

Sigma: I’d buy it.

Crazy56U: CALLED IT… minus a Hotel Mario clip.

MrSing: The true motivation of any video game protagonist: cold hard dosh.



Fluttershy took these coins with her, though for seemingly no reason.



Sigma: But in reality, the plot had commanded her to.

Crazy56U: And thus began Fluttershy’s hoarding habit.

MrSing: Can’t imagine a single reason to pick up solid gold coins.

CaptainPipsqueak: She was furious when she found out they were chocolate; she was allergic to chocolate!



Then, after a while, she found five gold coins just... floating in the air.



Sigma: And when she touched them, a floating head appeared and commanded her to morph.

SC276: Given the other coins she encountered were in clouds, those were in the air as well. Stop repeating yourself.

Crazy56U: So, when do the Question Mark blocks show up?

MrSing: The Skypirates suck at burying treasure.

Topher: Well, Rye kept sticking his dick in every hole they dug.

Bucephalus: *Vomits* Are all Kudzu fics like that?

CaptainPipsqueak: My answer is dependant on whether or not you puke again.

Bucephalus: I’m going to go cry in a corner.

CaptainPipsqueak: If it helps, he hasn’t delved into the cesspit of pedophilia. Yet. I think.

Fallen Prime: You missed “The Catch,” then. Got real close.



They formed the addition symbol.



SC276: It’s called a plus sign, ya dim bulb.

Crazy56U: Better than the equals symbol, lest Starlight Communist rears her ugly head.

MrSing: Yarrr, that be an X to mark the spot of treasure, laddie.



As soon as she grabbed the last coin, she blacked out--



Crazy56U: Having grabbed the last coin with her head apparently.

MrSing: Don’t do math, kids.



but not before seeing Applebloom.



Waterpear: Apple Bloom’s talent in this AU is apparently being the 1-Up symbol.

CaptainPipsqueak: You mean actually being useful and worth something?

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Howdy, Fluttershy, welcome to the afterlife!”

MrSing: “What are you doing with my family's life savings fund, Fluttershy?”



But Applebloom was different;



Sigma: “Her name had been written as Apple Bloom!”

Crazy56U: She was actually Scootaloo! (dun dun duuuuun)

MrSing: Don’t you mean Scoot Aloo?



her irises and pupils were small compared with the white of her eyes,



JofY: Well, turn off the light.



and her grin revealed



Sigma: -that she needed to see a dentist?

Crazy56U: Several more gold coins.

MrSing: Damnit, kids. I told you not to do math!



several jagged teeth. Teeth that belonged to a Manticore at the very least.



CaptainPipsqueak: And was going to be very cross when they weren’t in the glass filled with polident in the morning.

SC276: Does every pony .exe game have to have that one image?

Crazy56U: It’s a cliche, of course they do.

Bucephalus: Sir, there’s a manticore here who wants his teeth back.

CaptainPipsqueak: I mean that’s just cruel. And kinda gross. You don’t go nicking someone’s dentures.



She looked as if she had descended into some sort of incurable madness; the sort of madness usually accompanied by murders or something just as awful.



Scarlet: “For example, singing Journey off key while your co-workers are in earshot!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Or karaoke. Or line dancing. Wait, no; Applebloom’s southern. She probably likes line dancing.

SC276: Or riffing a barrage of terrible one-shot pony fanfiction for a whole month.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah! Just like...aw fuck...

Crazy56U: Apple Bloom watched Teen Titans Go?



Fluttershy had a great deal of trouble just waking up.



Sigma: See, that’s why we have alarm clocks.

Crazy56U: And so, Fluttershy swore off sleep forever. THE END

MrSing: “Come on, Satan Applebloom. Five more minutes!”

SC276: ~Wake me up inside (CAN’T WAKE UP)~

Bucephalus: Wrong song. For us, it’s ~Wake me up when it’s all over~



There was maniacal laughter filling the otherwise-silent void of darkness.



Sigma: Ah, so she’s in the author’s mind.

SC276: Talk about the sounds of silence.

Crazy56U: This is not your average, everyday darkness. This is... ADVANCED darkness…

Bucephalus: Join in, it's fun!

MrSing: “If you are cold, go stand in a corner. They are 90 degrees AHAHAHAHAHAA!”

CaptainPisqueak: Sounded kind of like this.



When she came to at last, she found she was standing in a very dark area.



MrSing: She didn’t pay her electricity bills. The horror.

Crazy56U: Pony lives in the sunlit world of what she believes to be reality. But, there is, unseen by most, an underworld - a place that is just as real, but not as brightly lit... A darkside.



So dark, in fact, she could not see anything past her mane.



Scarlet: “It was at this point she realized her mane was in her eyes.”

Crazy56U: Fluttershy really needed a haircut...



She heard a voice that sounded like a sad Applebloom calling to her.



SC276: [Applebloom] “Help! I’m trapped in a terrible fanfic!”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Fluttershy, why are we in the Negative Zone?”



It spoke these words, becoming more frightening with each word spoken:



Sigma: “Drink… your… ovaltine?”

Crazy56U: “Never… gonna… give… you… up?”

MrSing: “Finish your essay before eight A.M. this Saturday.”

Topher: “And… his… name… is…”



"You're here.... You're finally here!! I'm trapped, frightened, and oh so very lonely. Won't you.... join me?!?!"



Scarlet: Insert crappy boss fight music here.

Sigma: “I’m playing Monopoly, and I still can’t get out of jail!”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “I need more members for my ‘Empty Black Void’ club!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey. Hey. No. It’s called an Empty African American Void club. Racist.

Crazy56U: (dead eyed glare)

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, the NAACP gets really pissy about that sort of thing. Just being careful.

Crazy56U: (even more dead eyed glare)

CaptainPipsqueak: (gives the finger and smiles cheerfully)

Crazy56U: (severely dead eyed glare) (punches you in the jaw)

CaptainPipqueak: MARRY ME.



Was that even Applebloom, or a sort of demon pretending to be the young filly



MrSing: She was at the MLP cosplay convention. From hell.

Crazy56U: ...Fluttershy, is everything okay?



for the sole purpose of doing a single misdeed to the yellow Pegasus?



Waterpear: ¿Por que no los dos?

SC276: Why is “demon” even on the table here?

CaptainPipsqueak: And why would it stop a one misdeed? Does it not want to appear greedy?

Crazy56U: She even had a stick to poke her with. And it was sharp...

Bucephalus: In any story, the logical steps are actual person- fairy- demon-

shapeshifter? We don’t have fairies, so we go to demon. Bam. Problem solved.



Fluttershy was terrified, but now there was no going back. She moved forward, turning around every few minutes to make sure nothing followed her.



SC276: She literally can’t see her hoof in front of her face - assuming it’s far enough past her mane. That’s just going to get her even more turned around.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, Fluttershy was running in place.

MrSing: That demon stuck her on a treadmill!

JofY: Hey! Be nice. After all, Fluttershy had to go all the way out here too...



There was a winding staircase of empty darkness, which forced the Pegasus to climb up.



Scarlet: It did so at gunpoint.

SC276: Or Chomppoint. Either works.

Crazy56U: And that wasn’t brought up before as being in the void, because… ... ...

MrSing: Why do people keep getting shot before they can explain stuff?

Crazy56U: ...I-I didn’t, though...



She found flat ground after a while, and trotted forward. She saw a white silhouette of what looked like a dismembered, clawed hand;



Sigma: Wait, when did we switch to that Pokémon creepypasta?

MrSing: “Hmmm. Seems creepy and dangerous. I’d better go check it out (/◕ヮ◕)/”

Crazy56U: The Claaaaaaw...



though, if she approached said silhouette, it merely disappeared into the unearthly darkness.



Scarlet: The Slenderman fic was last week!

SC276: And technically, it wasn’t even Slenderman!

CaptainPipsqueak: Slenderman, Slenderman, does whatever someone thin can…

Bucephalus: We’re not going there. The parasprite references were bad enough.

CaptainPipsqueak: Is he narrow? Listen, bud! He’s got really thin blood!

Crazy56U: Never bring that up again.



She fell off another cliff and into another void. This void was not inky black, but a crimson red.



Waterpear: Perhaps it is also a violet purple.

Sigma: Shit, I don’t wanna fight Vanilla Ice!

SC276: Ice ice baby?

Sigma: More like Cream-y death.

Bucephalus: I hate you guys.

MrSing: Why are there so fucking many cliffs and voids around here? Does this thing take place in the Space Grand Canyon?

Sigma: I don’t see any red guys arguing about pumas, though.

Crazy56U: Red, the blood of angry men! Black, the dark of fan fics past!



Fluttershy turned around, and was once more greeted by the insane Earth filly.



Waterpear: Insane Earth Filly? Damn, I loved that band in middle school.

MrSing: They really sold out after their first album though.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Hi, Fluttershy!” “Oh hello insane earth pony that sort of resembles Apple Bloom. I love what you’ve done with the void; it really matches your mane!”

Crazy56U: Silly Fluttershy, she’s not insane. She’s just cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

CaptainPipsqueak: Same thing. God that stuff is foul.

Crazy56U: Were you never hugged as a child?



The yellow Pegasus turned around and began galloping madly; the insane Cutie Mark Crusader following hot on pursuit. The same laughter filled the dark red void.



Scarlet: Which was black a few minutes ago. Continuity!

CaptainPipsqueak: So is she an insane earth pony or an insane Cutie Mark Crusader? Because I don’t think it’s legal to be both.

SC276: Is it just me, or is chasing an integral part of like every freeware horror game ever?

CaptainPipsqueak: Demon Applebloom chose to be on pursuit, not in pursuit. Anypony can be in pursuit.

MrSing: No, Scarlet, this is the second void that came after the second cliff descend. Everyone knows that level 1 is black and level 2 is red.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Silent Hill.



No matter how fast Fluttershy ran, the laughter got increasingly closer. Suddenly, there was a dead end.



MrSing: Today we have gathered to mourn the loss of our dear friend end. In accordance with its wishes it will be buried in creepy pasta hell.

Crazy56U: Fluttershy’s runnin’ down a dream. That never would come to she. Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads. Runnin' down a dream.

Bucephalus: I will join you in mourning. Truly, without him, no fic will have a good conclusion.



Applebloom began closing in on the Pegasus; her gallop reduced to a very slow pace.



CaptainPipsqueak: So she did what layman call ‘walking’ then?

Bucephalus: Nope. This is more like wading through caramel.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why would you want to do that to poor Caramel?

MrSing: It’s more of a light jog.

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, Apple Bloom’s running on. Running on empty. Running on.

Running blind. Running on. Running into the… dark, but she’s running behind.



When Applebloom was so close she could jump Fluttershy, she disappeared.



CaptainPipsqueak: Then the lights came on and everypony shouted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Then somepony ran for a defibrillator.

Crazy56U: [Electrical Beast] “Teleport!”



The ground where the filly stood suddenly collapsed on itself, thus leading to another void.



Scarlet: Fluttershy was a mare of voids within voids, you see.

CaptainPipsqueak: The author uses that word a lot. Guess he can’t avoid it, huh?

Sigma: Shit, we really are dealing with Vanilla Ice!

Bucephalus: *Pulls out folder of inception jokes and filters through it* This is voidception. We must go deeper. Should I keep this folder out for this fic?

Crazy56U: ...so, is this a cutscene, or did the game not have good bug testing?



Having no other choice, the Pegasus fell into the darkness.



CaptainPipsqueak: As opposed to, y’know, hovering or something.

SC276: Falling! Everywhere! Moreso, perhaps, than even chasing!

Crazy56U: So, Fluttershy was free? Free falling?



She was in another room, even redder than the hallway she was in only moments before.



MrSing: The dreaded hue cherry red.

Crazy56U: Red, a world about to dawn! Black, the night that ends at last!

JofY: Oh no! She’s in a bad OC color palette.



The voice echoed once more:

"Why do you run away? Is this not fun for you? This is.... so upsetting."



Scarlet: It’s sad when I admit this is probably the creepiest thing we’ve riffed so far. Y’know, not counting Kudzu.

SC276: I stopped being creeped when it went with the cliché haunted Applebloom.

MrSing: You’re upset? We actually have to read this.

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Why won’t you let me kill you?! Come on!!!”

JofY: “I mean, I’ve tried making this as silly as possible.”



The Pegasus noticed she was in a square room, with a gargantuan black oval on one of the red walls. The hole she fell from was sealed, trapping Fluttershy.



Scarlet: And then it started to shake. Once… twice… three times… Yes! Fluttershy was caught! Give a nickname to your new Fluttershy?

Sigma: Waifu… Best… Pon-, damn, character limit!

Bucephalus: Take a leaf from my friend book and name her ‘Boo Boo Jr.’

Crazy56U: Oh dear, that hole better have some holes poked into it, lest she suffocate.



She felt fear well up within her body, down to the last hair on her forehoof. The black oval suddenly turned into the filly's eye; looking at the Pegasus with ill intent.



SC276: This is turning into that SpongeBob episode where Ms. Puff went to jail.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a bowl of chili) Huh, so that’s why I have this...

MrSing: You can say what you want, that filly has vision.

CaptainPipsqueak: Has anyone ever looked at someone with healthy intent? You never hear anyone looking with healthy intent, it’s always ill.

Bucephalus: *Looks at CaptainPipsqueak with healthy intent* Now you know why.

CaptainPisqueak:*shudder* I retract my question. Still, it need to be asked, y’know?

Topher: So are you gonna eat that chili or what?

Crazy56U: (eating chili) What chili?



The voice spoke yet again:

"But that's okay with me. I am very sure your heart and mind will change eventually. It is not like you can simply escape me. After all, I HAVE MY EYE ON YOU!!!



Waterpear: Of all the menacing lines a creepy demon-possessed child can spout, this is, without a doubt, not one of them.

Sigma: “I mean I literally have an eye on you. Can I have it back? I like having depth perception.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “No. You should have thought about that before. Now it’s mine, young filly!”

MrSing: That line was pretty cornea, Applebloom.

Crazy56U: Fuck it, another song.



Fluttershy began screaming in panic. This was not Applebloom at all; what remained was an insane filly.



Scarlet: Pastel Horses- When They Cry. New chapters now available on Steam!

JofY: Come get me when it goes on sale.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...and Fluttershy only now figures out it’s not Applebloom. The award for thickest brick in the wall goes to…

Bucephalus: BRB, logging into the steam store and lying about my age.

MrSing: Oh no! She was a secret OC!

Crazy56U: I knew it! Apple Bloom did watch Teen Titans Go! The fool!



She began falling back into the darkness, landing on more ground.



SC276: Falling! Everywhere!

Crazy56U: I guess this means Fluttershy digs Elvis. ...why do I hear a punch of people crying all of a sudden?



She opened her eyes and saw that she was in Twilight's library. "Are you okay, Fluttershy?!" Spike asked. He looked worried.



Crazy56U: [Spike] “Also, side note, where the fuck did you come from, you just

spontaneously fell from the ceiling, the FUCK?!”



"No, I am not okay," replied the Pegasus. She fell back into the void of darkness.



Scarlet: Riku! I mean, Kairi! I mean Fluttershy!

CaptainPipsqueak:TETSUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sigma: “Wheeeeee!”

SC276: ~I could fall (fall) from heaven…~

MrSing: She woke up with a fine for being late with returning her books.

Crazy56U: [Spike] “...okay, bye, I guess…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Spike later had the shit beaten out of him by Twilight for the void in the floor. She ignored his cries of innocence.



Chapter II - Awful Truth?



CaptainPipsqueak: Why is that a question? And do we want an answer?

Sigma: Awful truth, or bad fanfiction? You decide!

SC276: Which will it be, money or love? Only the scales know for sure!

Crazy56U: Awful Truth or Beautiful Lie? Tonight on 20/20.



Fluttershy was very eager to go to the Gala that night.



Waterpear: I don’t see why. After all, the hellscape from the last chapter has the distinct advantage of not being the Grand Galloping Gala.

Bucephalus: *Looks at folder* I give up. This is a pony-horror version of inception, isn’t it?

CaptainPipsqueak: What is it with you and Inception?

Bucephalus: Nothing…

Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, she’s jumping back and forth through time like Picard in the last episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation… Which means Discord is behind this, the fuck.

Topher: Well, if this is an Inception crossover, I better have this on standby. *Pulls out a massive tuba*



She trotted to Canterlot Castle, wearing a magnificent green dress that was adorned in trimmings of cerulean and flowers of gold.



Scarlet: Toriel, no! Don’t make this a crossover! I’ll literally cry!

CaptainPipsqueak: Fluttershy was jealous: the dress looked way better on the castle than it had her.

SC276: Do real .exe games have such little continuity, or…?

CaptainPipsqueak: This is one of those ‘rhetorical questions’ right?

MrSing: What do you think?

Crazy56U: ...I’m just going to pretend that I understand this conversation.

Bucephalus: I’m going to pretend that I’m pretending to actually care.

CaptainPipsqueak: Um… Oh hey; more story!



There was a long gate to the Gala, and many pillars of marble used in ancient times.



SC276: These days, they use the titanium pillars.

MrSing: The ancient distant past of today.

Crazy56U: Princess Celestia is ripping off Ancient Greece, I can’t fucking believe this…

JofY: They should sue.



Everypony was there, but seemingly petrified.....almost lifeless.



MrSing: This year’s Gala blows.

Crazy56U: Almost as bad as the one from “The Best Night Ever”. ...fuck that episode.

JofY: ‘Like they were characters meant to be placed on a background of sorts and not do much else.’



The Princesses, the rest of the Mane Six,



CaptainPipsqueak: Would they ever actually be referred to as that at any point?

Bucephalus: Honestly, with all the break up fanfics and fixfics, I think we can just call them the Mane Five.

Crazy56U: Well, technically the Mane Four, Rainbow got food poisoning and Pinkie’s

been banished… again...



Vinyl Scratch, and Applebloom.



SC276: Gheeze, the guy who made this couldn’t even be bothered to make animated sprites.

Crazy56U: Funnily enough, Vinyl and Apple Bloom weren’t invited. Party crashers!



The Pegasus trotted past more pillars before stopping in front of Applebloom once more.



Scarlet: That’s nice, but what happened to Fluttershy?

Crazy56U: She’s having an Artist Formally Known as Prince moment and changed her name.



The filly's eyes were red, her coat red-brown, and her mane, tail, and hair bow even darker.



Sigma: If it isn’t Darker Than Black, I dun’ wanna hear ‘bout it.

SC276: How do you even know that’s Applebloom and not yet another red-and-black Marty Stu?

MrSing: Either Satan!Applebloom went into a Hot Topic store to buy a hair bow or Applebloom’s bow turned to the dark side.

Crazy56U: Man, a literal palette swap? Boo!

Bucephalus: At least she has better fashion sense than me.



The area around the red of the filly's eyes was solid jet-black. All at once, the ground under the Pegasus crumbled, and she plummeted into the darkness.



Waterpear: Poor Fluttershy. Even in dreams, she can’t fly very well. :(

Scarlet: She’ll be fine, she’ll just wake up in Traverse Town.

SC276: FALLING! EVERYWHERE!

MrSing: Does this fic have termites or something?

Crazy56U: Let the ‘Shy fall... When it crumbles... We will stand tall... Face it all together…

Bucephalus: It was a dark and stormy night, Fluttershy fell into a void of darkness and landed on her feet. She took in her surroundings. It was a dark and stormy night, Fluttershy fell into a void of darkness and landed on her feet. She took in her surroundings. It was a dark and stormy… *looks down, falls into void, and swears*

Topher: *looks down into the void, drops a brick*



"Not again! Please stop this! Whatever it is, I don't like it!" Fluttershy pleaded.



Sigma: Use your rape whistle, Fluttershy!

SC276: Ain’t just you, sister!

Crazy56U: JonTron shares your sentiment.

JofY: “Well since you asked nicely.”



The dark voice responded, "HehehehaHAHA!



MrSing:

Crazy56U: Suddenly, JonTron reappears for round two.

Bucephalus: I’ll give him a medal if he can go ten.

Captainpipsqueak: That’s not so much a response as a sound effect.

Crazy56U: ...which is what a response can be, friend.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, but you don’t generally write it out phonetically.

Bucephalus: Ehhungsnotlkle. That was me laughing at your assumption.



Why stop now? You enjoy this as much as I do!! And if you don't, then you better find me!"



Scarlet: The most evil of all games: hide and go seek!

MrSing: “Or you can just walk out of the door, I guess.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “You’re behind me, aren’t you.”

[Apple Bloom] “...shit.”



The Pegasus was in another dark room, noticing she was not wearing her dress.



Scarlet: And she became aware of her nakedness, and was ashamed.

Waterpear: The apple of evil doesn’t come until later, though.

Sigma: But Fluttershy fans come as soon as the nakedness does.

MrSing: “Why am I wearing power armor?”

Crazy56U: Nor was she wearing her skin...



She walked toward a dead end, then walked back.



SC276: This is literally transcribing game actions and I feel freakin’ ashamed for it.

MrSing: “You are standing in a dark room. You can see four walls around you.”

>Go West

“You were eaten by a Grue.”

Crazy56U: >Quit

JofY: “I don’t understand the words “Quit”.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Which explains why you’re still here.



A set of stairs that was not there before led upwards. As she ascended, more stairs appeared,



MrSing: Christ, her thighs are going to be able to crush boulders at this rate.

Crazy56U: ...okay, my brain just painted a bad image, thanks for that…

JofY: Behold! THE STAIRMASTER!



leading upwards and in the opposing direction. She was in another room, this one housing five paintings.



Sigma: But there are four lights!

SC276: Must be a really cheap museum, to cut costs like that.

Crazy56U: And all five were simply pictures of matchstick men.



Each painting was that of her friends.



MrSing: [Fluttershy] “Wow, Twilight sucks at painting.”

Crazy56U: Except, for some reason, there was no Rainbow painting. There were two Applejacks, though...



More stairs needed to be climbed. When she entered another room, the voice echoed:



Scarlet: “Seriously, why are you even bothering to follow me? We both know I’m just going to keep doing spooky things.”

Crazy56U: “NO SOLICITORS.”

CaptainPipsqueak: SAVE KEYS TO OPEN DOORS.



"What's wrong? Giving up?"



SC276: Does anything she’s doing look like she’s giving up?

JofY: Well, she’s probably just seeing where she can go.

Bucephalus: Just press ‘escape!’ Do IT!

Crazy56U: I already tried the “Quit” command, shut up!



Fluttershy didn't respond. The voice continued, seemingly angrier: "Not talking, are we? 'Tis a shame, really. I know you are wondering where your painting is at. It was hideous to look at. I dare say it made your friends look better than you."



Scarlet: Ooh! Sick… burn…?

Sigma: Don’t really need burn heal right now, Blaine.

Crazy56U: $5 says Apple Bloom was the painter.

SC276: This is like a really bad GLaDOS. And I’m probably getting three weeks in the room with the screaming robots for that.



Fluttershy was getting irritated. "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!" the Pegasus yelled.



SC276: You shut yo’ mouth, fool!

MrSing: She’s more enraged by the quality of the insults than the fact that they are aimed at her.

JofY: “I know you are but what am I?”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “I’m just talking about Shaft!”

[Fluttershy] “Then I can dig it.”



The voice only laughed maniacally, as if mocking the mare it taunted.



Scarlet: Oh the demon’s not taunting her, it’s just watching its favorite sit-com!

MrSing: It’s just the happiest little demon in the village.

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “HAW HAW!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Um… not to be the voice of reason or anything, but if she’s being taunted, isn’t she already being mocked?



The yellow Pegasus walked down another dark hallway, and another room past that. The room past the hallway had Applebloom's maddening eyes.



SC276: Those things just get everywhere, don’t they.

MrSing: ಠ_ಠ

Crazy56U: Apple Bloom had gone so far off of the deep end, she now had the eye of the tiger.

JofY: Apple Bloom was just trying to be the thrill of the night.



These eyes got larger and then smaller, like that of a beating heart.



Scarlet: I’ve studied several still-beating hearts and trust me, it’s very unusual for them to have eyes.

SC276: Some glue and googly-eyes will fix that!

MrSing: Is she winking at us?

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: We’re actually watching footage of Apple Bloom’s last eye exam.



There was another room that housed a pool of blood.



MrSing: WOOO! Pool party!

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: It was actually a pool of Kool Aid.

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, at least it wasn’t Tang...



Fluttershy found a piece of paper that had a bunch of letters on it. It looked like something was warning her, but the writing and arrangement of letters made it look garbled. The paper made absolute nonsense.



Scarlet: “Password for Level.”

CaptainPipsqueak: A A A A A A...A.

Bucephalus: Ycoidi siht fo tuo teg.

MrSing: “‘Spike is best pony’? Who would write this?”

Crazy56U: “Ik geef je nooit op.” ...the fuck is this, Dutch?



She trotted past more stairs, some winding up and some descending down.



MrSing:

Crazy56U:



At last, she was in another blood crimson hallway. Her painting was there. Then, the Fluttershy in the painting started to decay.



Scarlet: Well shit, she’s in the film adaptation of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and she’s cast as Dorian Grey. Lovely.

SC276: Wait, isn’t she looking at the painting now? Wouldn’t that mean she’d start to decay?

MrSing: I hope she still has the receipt for that painting.

Crazy56U: And that’s what happens when you get a painting from the Dollar General.



The wingtips, torn and bloody; flesh wounds all over; solid black eyes that cried blood; the tail removed; blood emerging from the mouth; her cutie mark nothing more than this red mass of exposed muscle tissue; her left leg missing.



Waterpear: The semicolons; please stop; these are; not; how you use; them;;;;;;;

Scarlet: Allow me to summarize the above- Spooky Scary Painting Woogie Woogie woo!

Bucephalus: There; is; not; enough; nope; for; my; feelings; about; this.

Crazy56U: ;;;;Oh;god;;;;;;the;semicolons;;;;;;;;;;;have;been;angered;;;;;;HELP;;;;;;;;;;;

Topher: ‘*;g;u;r;g;l;e;.;.;.;;;b;l;e;h;*;



When the decay of the portrait Fluttershy happened, so too did the decay of the real Fluttershy.



Scarlet: “She fell apart since Flutterzombie is kind of a dumb concept, the end!”

SC276: I WAS JOKING!

MrSing: Well, at least she doesn’t have to pose for a new painting.

Crazy56U: Dorian Grey is going to sue your ass off, Author...



The voice echoed once more

"Teeheehee, you just found me. Now we can play some more!"



Sigma: Oh, great, the fucking skull kid from Twilight Princess.

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Now, instead of Hide ‘n Go Seek, we can play Tag!”



"Noo...



Sigma: Dull surprise…

CaptainPipsqueak: Stop. Please stop. Eek. Argh. Etcetera.

Crazy56U:



I won't be locked in here with you,"



MrSing: “Don’t you get it? I’m not locked up in here with you. You are locked up with me!”

Crazy56U: And then Fluttershy Action Replayed herself out of the room.



Fluttershy responded. She began hyperventilating, shouting, "WHAT ARE YOU?!"



Scarlet: Why is it that every time I get a chance to link to Higurashi clips it’s too long after Halloween for it to be amusing?

Sigma: I am a man!

SC276: “I’m you! I’m your shadow!”

CaptainPipsqueak: I'm Batman.

Crazy56U: ...she’s a pallete swap, I explained this.



The discolored, insane Applebloom appeared before the Pegasus. She spoke, "Woe is me, you've already long since forgotten? I am YOU! Or, more accurately, the darkness that lurks WITHIN YOU!"



Sigma: This is what Fluttershy gets for voreing Applebloom.

SC276: I WAS STILL JOKING!!

MrSing: You sure know a lot about this fic, SC276. Or should I call you by your real name, Dragonborne Fox?

Bucephalus: Burn the heretic. She delivered herself into our hands. Let them be purged.

Crazy56U: Bullshit, SC276 is a prophet, not Satan.

Bucephalus: … There’s a difference here?

CaptainPipsqueak: Satan looks cooler.

SC276: You freakin’ purge me, I’ll riff your fic next.

Bucephalus: … You know my username over on fimfic?

JofY: “I AM THE EDGE!!!”



With that, the discolored Applebloom became a discolored, non-decayed Fluttershy.



Waterpear: No, Fluttershy. You are the Apple Bloom.

Scarlet: Jesus, Xehanort! Wasn’t it enough making one fandom more convoluted than it ever needed to be? Must you spread your tendrils into this one too?

MrSing: Oh cool, she turned into a 3D colourbook.

Crazy56U: Now she’s a super palette swap! Oh no!



She continued, "I have been begging to be released within the depths of your fragile mind, little pony. I am essentially what you've sedated with your kindness.



Waterpear: No, Apple Bloom. You are the Iron Will. And the Discord. And maybe the Seabreeze, too. But definitely the Iron Will.

CaptainPipsqueak: Also the Kwisatz Haderach. Bring the rain, muad’dib!

SC276: “I’m inside your body, inside your mind, I am your darkness, little girl!”

Bucephalus: I am your failure to have character growth!

CaptainPisqueak: Which one of us is the Terror that Flaps in the Night?

Crazy56U: I’m, like, only 45% sure the Author isn’t ripping off Supernatural here...



I am what you've been hiding from all these years.



MrSing: A little girl?

Crazy56U: Taxes?

CaptainPipsqueak: The secret recipe for Coca Cola?

JofY: An industrial revolution?



Soon, it shall be my turn. I will wake up. I will take control.



Sigma: “And I will enter the Konami code. And I will have infinite lives and ammo. And then, I will rule the world.”

Crazy56U: And the number just lowered to 40%...



As for you.... YOU SHALL BE NOTHING!!!"



Scarlet: Quick, Fluttershy! Catch! *hurls a keyblade*

Crazy56U: [Not-Fluttershy] “I’m dummying you out of this game!”

JofY: *Gets hit by the keyblade.* OWWW!!!



Weeks later, Spike got a letter.



Crazy56U: [Spike] “Let’s see… ‘Dear pesky plumbers’, blah blah blah, ‘taken over the Mushroom Kingdom’, blah blah blah, ‘permanent guest’, ‘Koopa Hotels’, ‘find her’, blah. … (crumples up letter) I hate spam…”

JofY: “I am a prince from Nigeria…”



It read:

As for you, YES, YOU!



Scarlet: Me?

Waterpear: Yes, you! Couldn’t be? Then who!? Fallen stole the cookies from the cookie jar!

CaptainPipsqueak: That… bastard.

Bucephalus: One of our own has betrayed us.

Crazy56U: Why me?



Don't think you've gone unnoticed.



MrSing: Thanks senpai.

Bucephalus: I volunteer as tribute!

Crazy56U: (blushes)



I know full well you are trying to help her.



Scarlet: Well, I hardly think hurling a fictional weapon through the fourth wall in a completely tongue-in-cheek manner counts as helping, per say.

SC276: [Spike] “What even is this shit.”

Crazy56U: ...all Spike did was ask her one question...



I know you believe yourself to be safe. I assure you, your assumption is wrong!



Scarlet: I share this riffspace with at least two people who’ve regularly killed or otherwise committed violence towards my person as a joke. “Safe” may be pushing it.

SC276: At least the slingshots are in storage…

Bucephalus: At one point, we’re going to kill each other due to the madness from these fics. There can only be one!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, I’m a captain. I outrank all’a you bitches.

Crazy56U: You literally joined our merry band of idiots in the sampler. Some of us

have been here since “Past Sins”. Shush.

CaptainPipsqueak: But I’m small and cute. I’m a captain and I’m small and cute. Still

want to argue?

MrSing: This is the most posh death threat ever.

Bucephalus: We need a life.

Crazy56U: (nods sadly)

CaptainPipsqueak: I blame all’a you all.

Topher: I’m not sure of the precise meaning of what you just said, but I shall interpret it as “kill time now.” *whips out a rocket launcher, opens fire*



Something terrible is headed your way.



SC276: Something wicked this way comes. That, or something stupid.

CaptainPipsqueak: Not to belabor the obvious, but aren’t we already there?

Crazy56U: ...there’s more to this story, isn’t there…

JofY: “I shall make you… DO MY TAXES!!!”



And when it's over, you will know the true meaning of terror!!



Waterpear: 1. extreme fear.: "people fled in terror" "a terror of darkness". 2. a person, especially a child, who causes trouble or annoyance.: "placid and obedient in their parents' presence, but holy terrors when left alone".

Scarlet: Well, at least the last bit of that spiel ended up true.

SC276: Despair for tomorrow! Despair at the thought of the unknown! Despair that your memories are something at last! I can’t actually figure out that last line!

Crazy56U: I’ve put up with so much shit with these riffs. Do your worse.

MrSing: That extra and unnecessary exclamation point is pretty terrible, yeah.

JofY: “YOU SHALL KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE TO PACE AROUND!!! IN THE DARK!!!”



Apples Everywhere.exe (Flashback)



Crazy56U: (slams head down onto table) Damn.

MrSing: World Hunger Solved.exe

SC276: Suddenly, (pine)apples.



DISCLAIMER:



MrSing: May contain nuts.

Crazy56U: I’m sorry.

JofY: I’m not.



I CANNOT BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS LIKE A FUCKING NUMBNUT!



SC276: I can.

Sigma: If this were an RR, I would say nothing. But here, this is just a riff, so I’ll say this: Foxy, you are a fucking numbnut.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, at least she admits she’s a fucking numbnut. That’s the first step of the healing process.

Crazy56U: Some things are better left forgotten, numbnuts.

MrSing: Hey, I was right about the nuts.

CaptainPipsqueak: I just feel numb.

Topher: And I’m just nuts.



Shoutout to Dark Colt Sabata for pointing this out to me!



Scarlet: I hate you too, Dark Colt Sabata!

SC276: Is that anything like Santana?

Crazy56U: That’s a made-up person, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

MrSing: Not so much a shoutout as a shouting out.



Applebloom was trotting along the road of Sweet Apple Acres. It was a bright, sunny day and just rightfully so, considering it was apple-picking day.



Waterpear: Oh, that’s where they put the obligatory sunny day.

CaptainPipsqueak: They swept the clouds a-way...

Crazy56U: Also known as Tuesday.



She ran in front of Applejack, who had a huge cart loaded with apples next to her.



MrSing: “Look Sis, someone left all these apples unattended in their stall! Truly a great apple-picking day today.”

Crazy56U: Well, duh, it’s an apple farm. What did you think was going to be in the cart? Pumpkins?



"Oh, hey sis! Could ya do me a favor?" Applejack asked.



Scarlet: “Nope.”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Does it involve being in a terrible Creepypasta?”

[Applejack] “..noooooo?”



"Yeah?" Asked Bloom.

"Ah gathered most of them apples from the orchard back there,



MrSing: Only one cart? Rough year, man.

Crazy56U: The apple economy is in the toilet.



but there's still a few left," Applejack replied, "Would ya be kind enough to bring them to me?"



Scarlet: “Would ya be kind enough?” Who is this, the Bioshock protagonist?

CaptainPipsqueak: ”Oh look, Mister Bubbles! A new playmate!”

Crazy56U: Oh, great, a fetch quest. Cool.

MrSing: Being polite is nothing but a reference to video games to us now. I think we might have riffed for too long.



"Sure thing!" Applebloom chimed, galloping to the orchard with a basket in hoof.



SC276: Somehow, considering she probably needs that to walk.

Crazy56U: Uh, Apple Bloom, you should probably get our hoof out of that so you don’t step on it repeatedly...



She began bucking the apple trees, taking a total of 19 when she came across a dark crimson apple.



Waterpear: This fic really puts the malus in Malus domestica.

Crazy56U: Well, to be fair, she had come across 6 of those already, along with some

green ones...

MrSing: Those are called tomatoes.

Topher: She also found an orange, but it was incinerated as per Sweet Apple Acres policy.



"Yuck! This one's rotten! She won't want it!" Applebloom hissed as she dropped the bad apple and ran back to her sister.



Scarlet: I thought this was the origin of Applezombie, not Applesnake.

Bucephalus: You know, it’s a testament that she didn’t try to eat the evil apple, what with Snow White, Eve and Co. being complete idiots.

Crazy56U: That poor apple just got its feelings hurt. Apple Bloom is savage.

MrSing: What’s she gonna do? Tattle on the apple?

Crazy56U: ...because the bully always tattles on the victim, right?



"Ah got the apples."

"Thanks." Applejack smiled as she loaded the apples into the cart.



Crazy56U: Riveting...

MrSing: I don’t have to be here. I could be watching the grass grow right now.



Applebloom trotted down the hill and met with Fluttershy.



Scarlet: This triggered a mandatory dialogue cutscene.

CaptainPipsqueak: Shit. And those’re unskippable, too...

Crazy56U: Aw, man, it doesn’t even have that “Heavy Rain”-style glitch, this blows…

Ethan: SHAUN!



"Oh, um, hello Applebloom. Is your sister around?" Asked the buttery-yellow Pegasus.



SC276: Pretty sure she would’ve phrased that differently.

Crazy56U: … “Asked the yellow-buttery Pegasus”?

MrSing: “Asked the margarine-yellow Pegasus”?



"Sure is. She's just up the hill if ya wanna talk to her." Replied the filly.

"Wonderful. Thank you Applebloom." Fluttershy smiled as she began to trot up the hill when a voice stopped everything.



Scarlet: STAR PLATINUM!

Sigma: THE WORLD!

Bucephalus: IT IS I: CELESTIA! BE PURGED!

CaptainPipsqueak: Sounded kinda like this

Crazy56U: SHAUN!



"Darnit! The harness broke!



MrSing: Looks like another hill climber is plummeting to their demise.

Crazy56U: And soon, a piano smashed into the ground.



Hey, watch out down there!" Cried Applejack's voice much too late as the cart tumbled headlong into the Pegasus and rolled with her into a house.



Scarlet: Huh. Apparently that did transition into the closest possible thing this fic could get to “AND HERE’S A ROAD ROLLER.”

Sigma: “I stopped time at the nine second mark!”

Crazy56U: ...well, that’s just silly.

MrSing: [Fluttershy]: “It’s okay, I’m fine.”



[Fluttershy]: “...ow.”



----

Fluttershy woke up in foggy darkness. She took a few steps forward and dared to ask "What happened? Where am I?"



Scarlet: Wait, did the author actually forget to write in his intended beginning?

SC276: What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you people?!

Crazy56U: (extremely deadpan) Oh, so she was dead all along in the original story. What a shocking plot development, can’t you see how much I care?



She heard an ominous sound. "Is someone there?"



SC276: [Turret] “Is someone there? I don’t hate you.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home?”



Another Pegasus, this time with Applebloom's colors, began trotting toward her.



MrSing: Applebloom is so going to sue you.

Crazy56U: ...palette swaps are a sueable offense, now?



"Oh, hello. Do you know where I am?" Fluttershy squeaked before it all went black.



Crazy56U: [Demon!Apple Bloom] “Yes. In a crappy story. Welcome to Hell! :D”

MrSing: Might want to get that whole fainting business checked out, Fluttershy.



And so it began…



Scarlet: Or in my case, so it ended.

SC276: How does that make sense as a beginning? The fic started with Fluttershy standing on a cliff with a sign holding a note written in blood!

Crazy56U: Good stuff, glad to have this vital part of story that we could’ve been better off not having, Author.

MrSing: You all don’t get it, it’s modern art. You can’t criticise it because no one understands it.

Crazy56U: Stop being a hipster.



----

Applebloom had returned to where the bad apple was and was instantly transported to a graveyard.



SC276: Don’t you just hate when cursed fruit does that?

Sigma: Weakest devil fruit power ever.

Crazy56U: You see, Apple Bloom? That’s what you get for hurting its feelings...

MrSing: Ah, don’t worry. It’s just a pet cemetery.



Absolutely everything was at least a shade of lavender.



Waterpear: This story is trying really hard not to link the Lavender Town music.

SC276: Lavender is a light purple. That’s literally one of the least threatening colors ever.

CaptainPipsqueak: Unless you’re Twilight Sparkle.

Bucephalus: Honestly, the only product I ever find in the color lavender are bath salts and soaps, so the mood is ruined for me.

Crazy56U: Just say “purple”, you pretentious ass. You don’t need to use fancy color

names, it’s purple, shut up.

MrSing: I’ve had quite enough of this lavender shaded prose!



"What is this place?" Asked the filly in a frightened tone.



SC276: ~What’s this? What’s this? / There’s white things in the air…~

CaptainPipsqueak .:..filled with so many terrors...

Crazy56U: OH dear, this is how Apple Bloom finds out that graveyards exist...

MrSing: This is where we harvest headstones.



She began trotting past grave after grave, taking note of the silhouettes around. They looked like severed, clawed hands and as with everything else here, they were lavender as well.



Scarlet: Lavender Town creepypasta are starting to run out of ideas, aren’t they?

Waterpear: The graves were overgrown with hyper-realistic lavender.

SC276: What is with clawed hands in all this hooved character business?

Crazy56U: PURPLE. PURPLE.

Topher: We already did our FNAF crossover.



"Sis...where are you?!" Cried the filly.



Sigma: “Try looking to your left, numbnuts.”

Crazy56U: She abandoned ship, Apple Bloom. You’re stuck being in the rest of the fic. Sorry...



She kept moving forward. "I'm scared..." She squeaked.



Crazy56U: ...then leave the graveyard...



Suddenly, a wind blew a piece of paper onto her face.



MrSing: Littering is the first real scary thing that happened in this fic. So, yay for us, I guess.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Insert Slender reference here.



She removed it with her hoof and examined it. "What's this...? An invitation...to a birthday party?" Applebloom thought, "But...who's birthday is it?"



Crazy56U: Well, it’s not February 26th, so it can’t be mine… (scoff) Yeah, as if

someone would throw me a birthday party- wow, I just made myself depressed……

Topher: Wait, your birthday is the twenty-sixth? Well, we can still celebrate! *procures a teapot from nowhere, bursts into song* A VERY MERRY UN-BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Crazy56U: ...eh, I can dig it. (produces a noisemaker, makes noise)



And then she looked at the invitation again, and then a grave next to her.



Scarlet: Well, clearly not whoever that one belongs to.

SC276: Spirit, whose lonely grave is this?

Bucephalus: You know too much. *pushes Scarlet in* Enjoy the fanfic!

Crazy56U: Happy Birthday, Grave!

Scarlet: I’m still right here, you know. The fourth wall is surprisingly permeable.



Applebloom began sobbing as she realized she herself had died.



Scarlet: And then she was John Stamos!

SC276: Why, yours, Ebenezer - the richest man in the cemetery!

Crazy56U: ...b-but the grave was unmarked, how did she jump to this conclusion... ...the fuck.

MrSing: What? What killed her? Was it high blood pressure? Was she just allergic to trees? Come on, fic.

JofY: No, it was the darkness inside that killed her.



RingmasterJ5: And then Applebloom was a zombie. Anyway, now we have a bit of an… interesting… comparison between these next two fics, which we’ll get to later. The first is pseudo-Shakespearean bullshit submitted by the author, that Fallen suggested we run after I was skeptical we could really get anything out of it.

Fallen Prime: I have faith in your talents, considering you tore so hard into “The Catch” that it turned into its own spin-off parody story. I took one look at this story, and after an initial “Ohhhhhhhh nooooooooooo” reaction, figured you guys would make something work, even if that something is just exaggerated incredulity. But hey, it’s short.

CaptainPipsqueak: In some cases, so is pneumonia.

Crazy56U: (slow blink) ...oh. ...joy...

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, “Sunpraiser 64” written and submitted by Hailspider.

SC276: Oh joy, a trip back to the days of blocky polygonal graphics. ...I mean, I like the N64, but I suspect I’m going to hate it soon.

Bucephalus: Wait, it’s over? That’s the stupidest ending I’ve seen in ages, and I sat through the parasprites.

Crazy56U: Wait… dear God, don’t tell me it’s a religious game story...



Another Day



Crazy56U: Another nickel, because the economy.



I. Pianissimo



SC276: Il Pianissimo.

Bucephalus: Nah. Me Claudius.

Crazy56U: Oh God, not one of these guys, with their fancy music terms...

MrSing: ~sta nfronte a te!~



Here a pony was, a pegasus was she.



Waterpear: oh god everything is yoda what did I do to deserve this

CaptainPipsqueak: The fuck up you shall shut.

Bucephalus: If this feels bad, just imagine if it was Jar Jar Speak.

Crazy56U: ...I already hate this…

JofY: But she was not the pony, for only the pony was a pegasus, but only the pegasus

could only be a she.



She existed, and alone she did exist not.



Scarlet: “Don’t act so surprised, Zorin. I am everywhere, and I am nowhere!”

Crazy56U: ...so, she’s suffering from McFly Syndrome? Is she flickering in and out of existence due to paradoxes?

MrSing: Is this whole thing written in empty platitudes?

JofY: Calm down. It’s just a dig at an anti-social life.



At all times, somepony was there, at most a leg-and-a-hoof's length away. The city. Gleaming sat a white castle, which dominated keeping everything else dominated,



Waterpear: Keeping things dominated is generally what things that dominate do.

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, it never hurts to restate that.

Crazy56U: This is a weird adaptation of “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”...



and it was always busy, unavoidably so, performing actions the Princess deemed necessary. One more worker was all she was in the hive of a glistening empire. By the Princess the sun was raised, and upon its repositioning began the day.



Scarlet: Through discombobulation did the text communicate information about the setting.

SC276: And it did so very poorly.

Crazy56U: That… was confusing...



Awoke Sunpraiser



Crazy56U: That pony’s parents must fucking hate them…

JofY: What? Did they think Luna was best pony?



as began the day did, the fragments of a dissipating dream disappearing from her mind, pretty it had been, and not did she wish to forget it, but such was the way of dreams, a fate inescapable.



Scarlet: “Much like the creative writing class I am writing this to get extra credit in.”

SC276: Please, for a creative writing class, this would be a required assignment. Like the time I wrote a poem about a town of stuffed animals entirely in limericks.

Crazy56U: Thank you for explaining how dreams work. Can we have a point to this story now, please?



A dream of what, she no longer knew, lost was it already.



Crazy56U: Little did she know, it was a dream of a better written story………

Topher: *brandishing a pistol* ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!

Crazy56U: (winces, grabs ear) Dude, indoor voices, k, thanks.

Topher: NO



Fixate on it, she must not, herself reminded she.



SC276: Y’know, the whole “iambic pentameter” thing would work better if it was split into actual lines.

Crazy56U: I am all but tempted to just up and abandon this riff…

Topher: I mean, bad grammar and spelling is one thing, I can deal with that, but this is just dumb, and the author clearly has enough of a grasp of English for this to be deliberate.



Out of her bed climb she did, taking care to disturb not the bunk below hers and the reclining pony that within it could be found.



Scarlet: And down she did climb the stairs, I presume.

CaptainPipsqueak: And then breakfast she did have. Waffles they were.

Crazy56U: She woke up at 7AM, making sure she was fresh as she went down stairs. She gotta have a bowl. Gotta have cereal.

CaptainPipsqueak: Fuck that, man. Waffles. With fruit and whipped cream.

Topher: *shoots Crazy in the head* WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT SONG.

Crazy56U: (grabs head in pain) W-what’s that? Link another Friday song? Okay!



Started later was the day for that pony; her job was during the night. Her friend that pony was, she was of the name Twilight, her repetition was counted at 127.



Scarlet: We’re only a few paragraphs in and I want to beat this prose gimmick to death with a blunt object already.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hell, I’m starting to smell sounds.

SC276: I’m pretty sure your repetition is much higher, story.

Bucephalus: *twitches feebly on the ground* The grammar… the yoda speak… someone just end it...

Crazy56U: ...bye. (leaves)



It was a popular name, fit for a princess it was and dream near everypony did of a princess being, stifled by reality though those dreams were.



Scarlet: “The remainder of the populace dreamed of being robots.”

SC276: So, wait, is this Twilight Sparkle, or…?

Topher: No, it’s Twilight Sparkle stand-in #24598.

JofY: Ah, I see the writer got the subtlety sledgehammer.



The private bedroom shared by these two was departed from by her, but not without affixing her saddlebags to her flank, covering her proof of talent, a symbol of the sun which she must praise, trust, and possessing the importance of the highest degree, obey; her compliance the fragile peace was kept alive by. Into the residential dwelling's common room went she.



Scarlet: “Shakespearean.” You bastards lied to me. This isn’t Elizabethan, it’s written entirely in Yoda!

Bucephalus: Why not take the both of best worlds and read William Shakespeare’s Star Wars? Or do the reverse and read the crappy MLP Fanfic written by Yoda to emulate Shakespeare?



A trio of other duos lived here, and they all shared this room. Awake none of the others were. Alone was she always in the morning.



SC276: Always was putting “A” words at the beginning of her sentences.

Bucephalus: Asinine, this fanfic is.



Stark was the room, just like every other room in the residential district, just five doors, one on each of the walls, each distinguished by a symbol, except in the case of the unadorned door to the outside, a table at which she was sitting,



Scarlet: a wall of unbroken text continuing for far too long,



and a mechanical cold cabinet in which food was stored.

A mandatory meal she quickly ate, despite feeling no hunger.



JofY: You know those times when you have lunch even though you aren’t feeling hungry? that’s the government.



It was mandatory,



SC276: We know, author, you just said that.

CaptainPisqeak: Maybe it’s mandatory that it be said twice?

Topher: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH MAKE IT STOP!



and disobey her Princess' word dare to she did not -- Citizens fuel the empire, and food fuels the citizens.



SC276: Are you telling me Equestria’s turned into the Soviet Union? ~The food on your plate / now belongs to the State…~

Bucephalus: Dangit. Reading 1984 is bad enough in school. Reading it on my free time? Someone tell me how long I have left in this purgatory so I can get it out of the way.



II. Piano



Scarlet: Are we seriously doing this? Music dynamics? The hell do they have to do with this?

CaptainPipsqueak: ...she says, as though there will be a logical answer…

Bucephalus: Sing us a song for the piano man~ Cause we’re in the mood for a melody~



Beyond the walls of her house she soon went, heading onwards towards her workplace. It was the management of the Bureau of Acceptance in which she was employed, despite her age being one of relative youth.



Scarlet: Am I reading a non-Chatoyance TCB fic? Because I have a standing policy of nope.

Bucephalus: 1984. I refuse to take a step further until someone disproves me.



All the rules did she follow, except one, and her secret being found out she did forever dread. It was a break unseen, unsensed, as act upon it did she not.



JofY: She, was a teenage young adult with little to no personality chosen for greatness by a prophecy.



She had seen the cost of action and kept it instead purely to the dominion of dreams. Interloped upon her mind was not, of a fear of disrupting its desirable eccentricities.



Scarlet: “Such as this delightfully whimsical and not at all distracting way of sentence arrangement.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It’s not annoying, it’s ‘artistic.’ You just don’t get it, dude.”

Topher: Stylistic suck STILL SUCKS.



She had a talent, though her "special" one was it not, of finding those who foolishly engorged themselves with worldly pleasures instead of helping the empire.



Scarlet: Oh great. We’re in a TyrantPone fic. Can I go back to when this sounded like it might be TCB?

SC276: Soviet Russia!Equestria, I freakin’ called it.

Bucephalus: I wish you guys could not predict what terrible plot we’re in.

Scarlet: Usually if we’re wrong it’s because things go a layer of stupid deeper.

Topher: In Soviet Russia, fic riff you! There, we got that obligation out of the way.



Matter not did it the vice, find it she could always manage to. Nonreproductive sex -- Fornication is not recreation!



Scarlet: “Give service to thy brothers within the community before the inhabitants of a brothel! Before the hoes doth come the bros!”

SC276: Great, Equestria has sex police now, and it’s being run by a sunbutt.

Bucephalus: Well… If that’s a rule, I know where I’m not taking a vacation.

JofY: Oh, hell. This religious?



Smoking -- Pointless poisoning of the person!



Scarlet: Alliteration- Aimless Ambling Attempts at Amusement!

SC276: Do you hear someone headdesking in the distance?

Bucephalus: War is peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is strength. 2 + 2 = 5! Big Brother’s always watching!

Topher: Of course he’s watching! He’s been a big fan of our work since 1984.



These were her domains frequent-most. Although with the material



SC276: And the double-spaces.



also produced by her Bureau, based on the Princess' words, these desires had been well-suppressed increasingly well as of late.



JofY: “Oh, god. This chocolate is terrible.”

“You heard her! BAN ALL CHOCOLATE!”



Possessing nearly noponies to punish pleased the Princess.



Scarlet: Yay.

CaptainPipsqueak: If he don’stop with dat ‘literatism, I’mma cut a bitch...



Arrive she did at the building that housed the Bureau; the gleaming, ancient castle where once had lived ancient princesses, dominating over an empire of far less significance.



SC276: The Bureau for making sure worldly pleasures don’t go overboard is located in the Castle of the Two Sisters? Y’know, in the middle of the Everfree?

Topher: [Celestia] “It’s there for the best reasons! IRONIC REASONS!”



Housed it did her sole temptation as well. A fellow worker, a desired lover, but an unattainable one.



Scarlet: Out of your league, she was?



For there was no viability of offspring.



Scarlet: Homophobia. Yay.



A close friendship she did settle for instead. Once inside the building, she wandered through the old-fashioned, pointlessly elaborate corridors until her office she did reach.



Topher: Oh, you hate “Old fashioned, pointlessly elaborate” things, do you? Then WHY DO YOU INSIST ON WRITING LIKE THIS?!



Today there was quite the mountain of paperwork, reports of much possible illegal activity to investigate.



Scarlet: This is the most exciting story ever written. Oh my god.

CaptainPipsqueak: You mean ‘excruciating’, right?

Waterpear: Rearranging these sentences worthwhile is not. Not, I say!

Bucephalus: I went and anagrammed your sentence, Cap. A Right Yucca Meringue Toxin… Makes about as much sense as this story.



She called for her assistant, the dear friend aforementioned to work here,



SC276: She’s crushing on her help, yeah, that just makes it worse.



and gazed her assistant almost, but not quite affectionately. Good mornings and other pleasantries were exchanged before remembering her intent with the call.



Scarlet: “The Booty.”

CaptainPipsqueak: tay. Boo-tay.



It was not one of friendship; it was one of necessity.



SC276: Given the kingdom has thrown off “worldly pleasures,” I would suspect that’s most intents these days.



Coffee was needed to start her workday properly: a common vice, but one not of significant importance for a proclamation prohibiting it by the Princess.



SC276: I don’t understand coffee at all. If you need to wake up and get some energy, drink some Gatorade or something.

Scarlet: Tea-drinking master race!

Topher: HELL YEAH! *raises a mug of earl grey*



III. Forte



Waterpear: I’d prefer Silencio henceforth.

SC276: Whoever spaced these chapters has their work cut out for them. Unless these were all posted in the same “chapter,” in which case, the author is an idiot.

Bucephalus: One word: Ritardando.



Newly-delivered hot coffee in hoof, she started to read.



JofY: ‘Waring, Coffee may be hot.”



The first case: a charge of adultery. It was rare, and tended to break a community's harmony. She understood as to why her opinion was required, tricky this case was.



Scarlet: It required refusing to present crucial evidence until the last moment, which is kinda BS but oh well.

Bucephalus: I’m confused. Have we ruled out the possibility of our protagonist being a gay, commie yoda yet?



While the law that it did break was clear, unclear was its actual existence.



SC276: So wait, it’s not clear the law exists, or…?

Bucephalus: To quote 1984, “This was not illegal (nothing was illegal, since there were no longer any laws), but if detected it was reasonably certain that it would be punished by death, or at least by twenty-five years in a forced-labour camp." Effectively, we’re reading about what happens when you get Faust as Big Brother.



Bringing the charge to court formally, as the standard procedure was, could ruin the life of an innocent if not handled well. Proceeded she did anyway, having the case sent to court.



Scarlet: Ruining innocent lives, her concern was not.

Bucephalus: At this point, do you even care?



At this time, this early in the morning, care she did not of the lives she might ruin.



JofY: I’m sorry, but, are we supposed to care in any way?



It was not immoral -- All's fair in love and pursuit of Harmony.



JofY: Like sex out of wedlo-... Like having a ciga-... Uhhh…..



(That slogan was admittedly among the least catchy, and was an eternal disappointment to the Bureau.)



Scarlet: Foul! Breaking with the text gimmick! Twenty-five paragraph penalty, still third chapter!

Bucephalus: No, you fool! Don’t give it more paragraphs! Make the penalty taking away paragraphs, not adding them!

Scarlet: Did I ever specify whether we were adding them? I think not! Oh ye of little faith.



Authorize many difficult cases she did, her available legal staff was decimated within hours.



SC276: So… she’s a prosecutor?

JofY: “Oh no! A case! PANIC!”

Topher: The plot of Pulp Fiction in a nutshell.



Eventually, it was time for a lunch break. She went to the archaically styled dining-hall, ate a bland meal quickly, out of hunger this time, and slept. The coffee had not been of much help; her tolerance had grown greater.



Scarlet: As my tolerance, unfortunately, shrinks.

SC276: I’m as tolerant as a sack of hammers to the face.

Bucephalus: Guys, I think I’m gonna be comatose after this. Bury me somewhere pretty.



Did she dream? Not even she could tell. But the better it was that way.



SC276: Dare to dream, sister.



Upon the conclusion of her break, and her rest, she returned to work. The mountain of paperwork she had had she had whittled down to just a handful of cases before the break. Her leave could prematurely be embarked upon if she managed to deal with these.



Scarlet: Ooh, do I get to go home early if I finish this fic then?

SC276: That and, what, two fics after it? I don’t know.

CaptainPipsqueak: I used to have thoughts like that until I realized that I was already home.



IV. Fortissimo



SC276: And then suddenly giants. Cookie to anyone who gets that reference.



Case the first was an erroneous conviction. Easily was it resolved by her. Her efficiency was admirable. It was decided that the conviction would not be overturned, or rather that no attempt to overturn it would be made, a difference on a purely technical level.



JofY: Ah, so she’s efficient in not giving a shit.



A pony would be punished for crimes they did not commit , but…



Scarlet: Shit, did whoever keeps shooting at me take out the narrator? Thank you!

Topher: You’re welcome! Wait, Shit. *Hides gun behind back*



...It didn't really matter, did it?



Scarlet: Never mind, you rat-bastard.



An attempt to overturn was a pointless artifact of the ancient days where "Friendship" ruled; justice was not important these days. Her available lawyers were down to two, after all.



Scarlet: Uh. No. What. The court system in our world is overburdened and yet it still functions what.

SC276: We will use not-friendship in the future.

Bucephalus: “Sir, I plead that the commie ponies are not evil. They just have a habit of putting anyone who doesn’t obey to sleep… That sounds bad, doesn't it?”



Case the second



SC276: Book the third, Game the first. Who wrote this, Lemony Snicket?

Bucephalus: Wouldn’t Snicket’s version have a thirty page backstory on the coffee she’s drinking? Actually, that sounds far more interesting. One of you go to your keyboard and get writing.



was a murder, something rare, a perverted execution of purely one sided desires. Inharmonious it was. A plea of guilt it was as well, she felt no need to waste any time on this. She had the case bypass the courts (an action that required much additional paperwork); the punishment would be the same this way as it would be if a real trial had been had.



Scarlet: Do we have a point we’re working toward? I hope we have a point we’re working toward.



Case the final was one she had expected not!



SC276: Expecto notronum!

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God, I think I’m having an absence seizure…

JofY: Ack! Narrative emotion!



It was alarming, and in truth, not a case in the least! A case against herself, laced not to evaluate, but to gloat. A betrayal! Of her own assistant!



SC276: So, a civil case where the assistant is suing her boss? Over what, exactly?

CaptainPipsqueak: Magical reasons.



A case of ill intent towards the Princess, a crime otherwise known as attempted conspiracy. A false case, but how close her betrayer was would skew the court towards the claim's truth.



Scarlet: Oh no. She was hoisted on her own petard and ironically dealt with in the same way she dealt with others. wooooo.

CaptainPipsqueak: Where is the petard even located? That sounds kind of painful.

SC276: I’ve lost track. I can tell this is supposed to be important, but for the life of me, I have no idea what’s happening.

JofY: Uh… The paper she picked up was the office gossip?



It had already been approved, directly by the Princess herself -- At the end of the day, you will be discharged and taken into custody.



Scarlet: “Make sure you refill the printer on your way out, it’s a pain in the ass for everyone else in the office if you don’t.”

CaptainPipsqueak: And be careful with the cartridges - that ink stains like a bitch.



Her career was at an end!



JofY: What cruel thing had she done to deserve such a fate, to be discarded by others who could easily help. Who would be so cruel to do that!?



It was over for her, taken down by an unknown internal rivalry. She did not regret this, she knew that something of this sort was inevitable; she only thought about how much paperwork it would be for her successor.



Scarlet: Man I kind of wish this story hadn’t gone with such a ridiculous text gimmick because that line’s kind of poignant. And funny.

SC276: And now I can’t tell if it’s the boss or the assistant that’s going to be arrested.



Waited she did for the end of the day. When it came, she was prepared. Everything was in order, prepared for her successor. Arriving in her office were two guards, who took her away without a struggle.



Waterpear: This story is less of a majestic, brooding classical piece and more like “skull trumpet 10 hours.” (doot doot)

SC276: Oh OK, so it’s the boss getting arrested for… treason or something? Oh my fucking god, Shakespeare was clearer than this.

Bucephalus: I’d say Shakespeare’s clearer than most writers we riff. At least it’s clear in his stuff that Romeo’s an idiot who doesn’t check for pulses.



V. Decrescendo --> Pianissimo

Here was not a pony, not any longer.



SC276: Nor is there a coherent plot.

Bucephalus: Nor had there ever been.



The castle gleamed in the fading sunset, as the Princess began to raise the moon, the symbol of the day's conclusion. Away from the city, in the town, in the house of crystal, sat the Princess. She smiled to herself and uttered a few final words.



Scarlet: “That was utterly ridiculous.”



Another perfect day.



JofY: We hope you’ve enjoyed no moral theater.



RingmasterJ5: Now, remember that bit about “comparison” I mentioned at the top of the last one?

Fallen Prime: No, I don’t. My brain’s been fried and irreversibly tinted purple.

CaptainPipsqueak: Grape purple, or brurple?

RingmasterJ5: Well, I brought it up because that fic’s basically the exact opposite style as this next one, something evident just by looking at its author, apple short. ...Yeah, I’ll let Fallen take it from here.

Fallen Prime: Oh, the history with this guy. He was a big figure on the badfic scene way back when the Train Wreck Explorers were still a thing for those four glorious months in 2012. Massive troll, that was pretty readily apparent, and his best-known fic was “The Tail (Get It ;P) Of pRince Martin Willis,” which I myself did a solo riff of (while making a sad attempt to maintain apple short’s “cover”). It’s an unholy mess of Gary Stu overpowered super-sexing shenanigans that must be seen to be believed, and it is truly a work of trolling art. What we’ve got here, while not that story, is another one of apple short’s works.

RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, “Changing The ColorOf Apples” by apple short and submitted by ZealousChristian24. And yes, that typo is in the actual title as well.

Sigma: I hate you guys so much right now.

SC276: Oh my god, I actually remembered that fic name. This is going to suck.

Crazy56U: (comes back) Okay, so, what did I- oh dear.

Topher: Oh goody! Appleshort! this guy is comedy gold!



Chapter 1



Suddenly applejack was farming.



Fallen Prime: Surprise...?

CaptainPipsqueak: What was Applejack doing all this time?

SC276: One second she was in her room… um, looking over her photo album, and the next second, BAM, out in the field!

Crazy56U: Well, at least this isn’t during “Magical Mystery Cure”...

Bucephalus: As opposed to… doing cupcakes?



It hit her with amazing creativeness and supreme recognition



SC276: I require your assistance in a matter of the utmost importance.

Crazy56U: Except this was farming, so she’s exaggerating the fuck out of it.



that she hated the color red because blue seemed to be much better when she gazed at it with intense furry.



Scarlet: Shit! The furry intensity is too much! It’s going to explode into spontaneous dramatic readings of Redwall books and Ironclaw sessions! Hit the deck!

CaptainPipsqueak: Christ, furries ruin everything.

Sigma: Especially the Christ-y Furries.

Crazy56U: Applejack is a furry, confirmed. ...I want to eat glass now…

Bucephalus: *twitches* They’re everywhere….

SC276: Given logistics, I find your reactions hilarious.

Scarlet: Agreed. Oh so agreed~



Her brows rose and she eyed the apples in her hands



SC276: You mean her hooves? Or did we wander into anthro territory again?

Crazy56U: ...this is an Equestria Girls fic, isn’t it…

Topher: Nope, just Appleshort.



and sighed with her eyes closed to tears and her body shook with intense pain and upsetting and deep despair of the worst kind.



Scarlet: ...Apple Picking Beam now makes perfect sense.

SC276: Given the chance, I would’ve bathed the whole world in this glorious feeling!

Crazy56U: Why are you farming apples, then, if it upsets you so?

CaptainPipsqueak: She’s a masochist. Pain is pleasure. Hatred is love.

JofY: Yes, something isn’t your favorite color. Your life is hell.



Only because ast .



Crazy56U: Oh, so she’s upset because of ast, now everything makes sense… (pulls out a bucket of glass shards) (begins eating)

Topher: Can I get some of that?



“well howdy this sucks!” She screamed with maliscoius excitement



Waterpear: Maliscoius? Perhaps you meant Malus coronaria, the sweet crabapple?

CaptainPipsqueak: No man; it’s like a cross between ‘malicious’ and ‘delicious’.

SC276: That’s me Lucky Charms, they’re maliciously delicious!

Crazy56U: Why are you “excited” if you are upset?!?!



and threw the apples at the tree and bucked the air with both back feet.



Scarlet: And succeeded in accomplishing nothing?

CaptainPipsqueak: Are you blind? She kicked the shit out of that fruit fly!

Crazy56U: Did Applejack just have a stroke, the fuck?!



Spike who was nearby because he was kicked out of rarity



Scarlet: Ew, he’s like, twelve! At most!

CaptainPipsqueak: Should...should we be reading this?

SC276: So she threw him up, or…?

Crazy56U: ... (pickets bucket back up) (continues to eat glass shards)

JofY: What was Rarity even doing there?



for being an asshole and beating the shit out of the angle bunny roared.



CaptainPipsqueak: Angular lagomorph for the win!

SC276: Talk about finding a new angle.

Crazy56U: Nothing about that sentence makes any sense.

Bucephalus: For once, I’m siding with Angel. Gah! What is this fanfic doing to me?



“What the heck?”



Crazy56U: I AGREE



He stuck his tongue out with flames that triangled out in red and his fists clenched with precise annoyed wrath.



SC276: No, precise annoyed wrath is what we have. You are just confusingly infuriating.

Crazy56U: How can you have precise wrath?! HOW?! (downs the rest of the bucket) ...that was a mistake… (coughs up blood) ...yep. (falls over, dies)

SC276: Is there a doctor in the house?

Scarlet: Eh, just wait a riff. He’ll be fine.

CaptainPipsqueak: A little silicone never hurt anyone.

Topher: I’m on it. *douses Crazy in gasoline, sets the body on fire*



Smoke piled upon him and he cried immensely and loudly. “You stupid butthole you plugged me with the stupid red apples!”



Scarlet: “You stupid butthole” indeed.

CaptainPipsqueak: She… plugged his butthole with apples?

Bucephalus: Guys, I regret joining you for this. Bring back Xblade, please, I beg of you!



He bit into one. His chin and teeth gnashing it to tiny red bits of food.



JofY: And then that red became blood!





That would soon be disassembled into his smokey ears and nose holes to become his wretched flame.



Scarlet: I’m not sure why you guys thought we should make jokes about this story. The prose does that just fine on its own.

SC276: Please, Scar, give us some credit. We have more sophisticated comedy than this.

JofY: THEN WHERE IS IT!?

Topher: *farts loudly*



“Well im sorry but these apples have pissed me off spike ok yall.”



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, the dragon’s full name is Spike Ok Yall.

Bucephalus: No, it’s spike ok yall. The bad grammar is key.



applejack sipped the cider. She sat down and cried with heaving plot and deep breasted sorrow.



SC276: The plot is heaving?

Bucephalus: It’s already in its death throes! Nobody get the defibrillator.

CapainPipsqueak: No problem there. Fluttershy is embracing the defibrillator and weeping softly. I think she may have issues.



Spike watched her depressed body and licked his lips as seductively as he could.



JofY:...Damn it! Did you get us another clop?



“It is ok because i am here for you.” She sobbed but did not stop him from being there.



Scarlet: Because she couldn’t quite muster enough power to buck him out of existence.



“I just like the color blue so much yall.” She wept with immense fear of tearing and she covered her face with one hoof and rubbed her pony neck with the other.



SC276: As opposed to her manticore neck.

Bucephalus: … I got nothing. That was the most stupid line I’ve ever seen in fanfic history. Nothing can top ‘I just like the color blue so much yall.’ Nothing.



Because spike had got to her.

“I will help you change there stupid color!” his tongue became long like and he slid it in and out of her ears and against her mane and against her eyes.



Scarlet: Wow, did that creepiness award change stories fast!

CaptainPipsqueak: Allow me to ask again: Should we be here?

Bucephalus: *Sirens begin to wail* Abandon ship! This fanfic is making Xblade look norma;! Jump ship! Save yourself!

JofY: *Jumps out of window.*

Topher: PREPARE THE POPCORN BOYS, THIS IS GONNA BE GOD!



“Twilight taught me to magic things and make them cool because I am destined for being amazing.”



SC276: Oh this is gonna suck.

Bucephalus: Spike… have you even been paying attention to the episodes dedicated to you?



He sparkled like the sky with a billion stars and Celests mane all rolled into one. He was super needy because rarity had cut him off and he squeezed her with sexy prowess.



Scarlet: A Gift which he had taken at character creation, along with its companion Gift “sexy proficiency”.

SC276: Well this just took a hard right into what-the-fuck-ville.

Bucephalus: No, even they wouldn't take it. They sent it straight to Tartarus, they hated it so much.



His tongue filtered between her horse mane hair and he squeeled with exceptional pleasure. “We have to be together like Martin Willis though to charge my mage powers.”



Waterpear: This is a trollfic where Spike is a wizard who uses sex magic to change the color of apples. It is already more interesting than the Yoda-esque story about...something totalitarian.

Scarlet: I think the moral of the last one was “Don’t forget to drink your coffee.”

CaptainPipsqueak: ...or how to word proper-like.

Bucephalus: I will also give this fic the award for funniest line compared to how bad the rest of the fic is.

Topher: Oh god, there’s a Willisverse canon?



“Well I guess that can’t be helped then ponyhowdy.” She said it to seem coy and flirting in appearance but deep. Down spike had turned her into a roaring stallion of the most viral and pleasure seeking.



Scarlet: Ah, the Big Mac/GaoGaiGar crossover that I never realized I needed until now!

Waterpear: You know, apple short invented a new type of purple prose. He’s playing a persona of a god damn moron, but such a person wouldn’t know the word “virile,” not even to confuse it with “viral.”

CaptainPipsqueak: No, it’s not a mis-spell. Applejack has crabs.

SC276: Why is Applejack a roaring stallion? Does she have a mismatching gender identity now or something?

CatainPipsqueak: And crabs.



“we should probably hurry though so I dont harvest all the apples before they change color.” She drank the cider.



SC276: Where is she even getting cider from anyway?

CaptainPipsqueak: Consider the color of cider.



“Yeah.” Spike quited with unbelievable accuracy and lifted his tongue to her lips. “Kiss me then we will make love.”



SC276: I don’t think whatever’s about to happen is going to be love.

Bucephalus: *tries to shoot self* Who removed the bullets? Scarlet, was it you?

Scarlet: If I must suffer, we all must suffer.

Topher: Which is why I took the bullets from your pocket, Scarlet! *Shoots Bruce in the kneecap*



applejack blushed to the color of apples all over her skin and opened her mouth so they could make out.



Scarlet: Spike took the opportunity to swallow her tongue whole and devour it.

Bucephalus: You just turned Spike into Nicodemus. I am okay with that.



Then spike made love to her.



Scarlet: It’s okay guys. They didn’t fuck, Spike’s still young enough to think that making valentine’s cards together counts as “making love.”



“Ya that feels so good.” He licked her mane and tail to taste her secretly to become empored with feeling.

“SHUCKS SPIKE THAT IS SO BUCKING GOOD!” Applejack screamed with pleasure to spite.



CaptainPipsqueak: I’m starting to feel my pleasure being spited as well.

SC276: I’m kinda just at my happy place right now and not really paying attention.

Bucephalus: BRB, going to talk with the devil and ask him whether he thought this through before getting someone to write it.



Let her sexy straw hair down and spike became inside of her and they were happy.



Scarlet: And Scarlet’s lunch suddenly became outside Scarlet’s body.



Suddenly winona.



Scarlet: ~Is standing beside you/Suddenly Winona/Is holding your hand!~

CaptainPipsqueak: I think the term “Suddenly winona” could fix any bad situation.

SC276: Suddenly, pineapples.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pineapples aren’t cuddly. Unless you’re doing something really wrong with them.



She was so pleased. And barked in dog speak that ponys and dragons know.



SC276: Somehow.

Bucephalus: [Winona] I’ve had this ability for what, five seasons, and you’ve never acknowledged my great ideas? Didn’t I give the idea for those cool purple costumes? And for the dragon code?



She wanted to join and help the farm become a better colored place than red and she had decided that she would cheer them on and that way the farm could have rare blue apples and become the coolest apple farm in all of ponyville and aqestria’



Scarlet: Not to be confused with Equestria. Playsets now available from reliable Hasbro bootleggers everywhere!

SC276: Why does the dog want in on the sex?

CaptainPipsqueak: Why wouldn’t she? I’m not sorry I asked that, by the way. Fuck y’all.

Bucephalus: Same to you pal, same to you.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh shush; you love me for it.

Scarlet: No. As a matter of fact, I don’t.

CaptainPipsqueak: Just wait for the drugs to kick in.



to the point that even twilight would be jealous of the might that spike produced with his love magic and understanding of deep points of pony skills.



Scarlet: I told the game host that letting Spike invest that many extra marks at character creation would lead to some hard feelings across the table, but noooo.



So spike let winona be. Winona licked applejacks face. And spike lifting his feet with extra care to be beside applejack one last time in quietness. they all had the greatest of marvelous sociable love and spike was fulfilled to laugh at rarity having cut him off for defeating the tyranny of her stupid pet angel.



Scarlet: Her angel was named Zakiel, and had fallen from grace aeons ago.

SC276: So the whole stupidity thing is a ruse, right? Well, I’m buying the whole thing based on getting the pets mixed up.



“Now I will cast the stupid fing spell.”



SC276: Ya effin’ bastard.

Bucephalus: Not sure if the title is referring to Spike’s feelings about it, or the spell's actual effect.



He screeched beyond loudness raising his neck so that his flame made him turn from purple to orange like applejack and she blushed. “apples beish blueicus.” He spit fire so high it reached the sun and celest saw it from canterlot.



Scarlet: And for good measure, he belched some smoke across the water to go with it.

Waterpear: “Some stupid with a flare gun burned the place to the ground”

SC276: What’s the Ultimate Gambler doing here?



Then all the apples became the color of red to the color blue.

“Heck yeah spike.” applejack beamed with immense pride and sipped the cider. “This is so awesome yall.” She eyed the now blue apples with acceptance and was pleased with him to the point they all made love once more in ecstatic celebration at their fantastic deed of saving the dullness of SWEET APPLE ACRES.



Scarlet: They synthesized it under laboratory conditions, using the latest modern equipment.

SC276: The apples turned blue and they had sex again. I’m so out of evens I’ve resorted to spending odds now.



Spike cried a little though because martin wasnt there to cheer and help. he knew that martin was busy and the most special pony ever though and could not always be there with spike around.



SC276: Oh right, this thing has continuity with that thing.



So he forgave him and with a laugh that tickled his heart to dark twisted desire.



Scarlet: Aaand Spike’s betraying the party. Told you, Game Host!



He lifted a claw and crushing it to a fist. Proclaimed. “I will write the actions of my deeds to share with him. because we are fing bros.”



SC276: Super Fing Bros, the lamest ripoff of Super Mario Bros ever conceived.

Bucephaus: [Spike] Now I will play you the fing song of my people. Followed by the fing meal of my people.



And Applejack didnt mind because she was so pleased with the color of the apples and being together with Spike. Applejack sipped the cider.



SC276: Where is this cider coming from?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Again, consider cider’s color.

Bucephalus: [Cthulhu] I bestow upon you, Spike, the power of unlimited cider. Drive those riffers mad!



It was another great day in ponyville working hard and being friends with everyone like spike.



Scarlet: And only people who were like Spike. Those who differed were shunned.

CaptainPipsqueak: So...everyone, then?

SC276: It was a beautiful, sunny day.

Bucephalus: Look, he’s got a community of loser friends.



Spike grinned to ecstacy and laughed rolling his tongue like magic. “it was good to be with applejack.” he wrote last to his self letter and sighed.

Granny Smith nodded. “Sometimes we are like the apples and we are red. We wish to be the color blue. But we cannot change the color of ourselves to be for the happiness we desire. Instead we must allow someone with powerful magic to change us and make us what we should have been. Only then can we be happy with what our color should be all along but wasnt.”



Waterpear: You know, it’s hard enough to riff a trollfic as it is. When the trollfic is self-deconstructing, I have virtually nothing to work with.

Scarlet: The moral of this fanfic is apparently “trust in Jesus”. Who was this written by, the Insane Clown Posse?

SC276: Doesn’t using properly-constructed sentences break troll kayfabe?

Bucephalus: I always figured that my love of red was cause I liked blood, fire and all that fun war stuff. Does it really mean that I am a terrible person who doesn’t like the one true color? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!



Spike glowed in pride at being called a mage and gave the thumbs up sign to granny smith.



CaptainPipsqueak: So...she raised a hoof?



Applejack sipped the cider and nodded. It was all good.



Chapter 2



SC276: Oh god there’s MORE.

Bucephalus: It’s like we’re tripping over more and more horrible chapter- Oh wait. That was the parasprites. *Shot in the head*



Then everything became a wonder of the most unshocked bewilderement. "Ihave come to see what i can show you my friends because their is a problem here with your farm and it will bring you down!"



SC276: ...Come again?

CaptainPipsqueak: In a minute.

Sigma: Please don’t.

Bucephalus: ERROR MESSAGE: 084 072 073 083 032 083 084 079 082 089 032 077 065 075 069 083 032 078 079 032 076 079 071 073 067 065 076 032 083 069 078 083 069 046 032 083 079 077 069 066 079 068 089 032 080 076 069 065 083 069 032 083 072 079 079 084 032 077 069 046



There was a magic voice and Applejack could tell that just from its screeched anguish of believable mass understanding that it meant serious issue with them all.



Scarlet: Oh look! It’s the fimfic reader community!



"Yall i think we are in a horrible state of badness!"



SC276: Fawful, get out of the fic!

Bucephalus: I have no words. We have crossed over into the dimension of stupidity.



Spike squeezed her once and planted a lip upon her heavy hearted chest and weaved an ok speech with his tongue. "We can weather it because i am a dragon."



SC276: Whether, whether, whether, whether, whether you like it or not.



applejack nodded but still kept a little reserve of deep seated fear that trembled her in squeshy excitement.



Scarlet: Ew.



"THERE IS GOING TO BE SEVER MISCALCULATIONS IF YOU DO NOT MAKE THE LOVE TO SPIKE RIGHT NOW!"



CaptainPipsqueak: AND I DARE YOU TO GUESS WHAT WILL BE SEVERED!

Bucephalus: *twitches* Cap, shoot me and end it for me.



the voice boomed with the authority of love driven by its wisdom and granny smith gave the thumbs up sign for it to be a true non speaker of the past.



Scarlet: Lacking thumbs, her attempt ended in failure.

SC276: So are they going to fuck because the big booming voice told them to, or is my brain still broken?

CaptainPipsqueak: I think it’s okay if it’s both.

Bucephalus: Kent, this is Jesus. … You can skip a dozen pages if you tell me where that’s from.



So spike smacked applejack down and they made it all the way with the most fruity abundance.

suddenly it was all black. And they were in FREAKING agreement of the situation. they were in a blinking pony eye.



Scarlet: I was only a few paragraphs into chapter two when the drugs began to take effect.

SC276: Oh my god, more people literally describing visual tropes again. His specter will never stop haunting us…!



Spike looked through to the glass and sighed with a most realized chest that fulfilled its satisfied loneliness with misdirected nguish.



CaptainPipsqueak: Without the ‘A’ to lead it, the poor thing couldn’t cross a street without getting lost.



"We are truly stuck within the eye of another."



SC276: No, that’s just the author sucking. And failing at it.

Bucephalus: [Applejack] Ow. Dragon spikes are painful when they get in your eyes.



"YES." Granny smith whispered with the ways of the old



SC276: Also, she said something about R'lyeh.

Bucephalus: Ia, ia, Cthulhu fhtagn.



and licked her tongue feebly. sometimes we are trapped in this world of miscreated guidleins when in fact it is the most of us that can do. This world we know is fake but to us it is real so it is not fake.



SC276: A believable lie might as well be the truth. Thankfully, everything about this fic is unbelieveable.



We are the eye of what we behold and we are to be beholded by the eye that is around us.



Scarlet: Morals so far- Always Trust Jesus and Beware the Eye of Sauron.



To see outside through to the world is not within our knowledge to be achieved at ease! We are to be directed to the understanding that we fortell. Even being in the eye of another tiny pony somewhere does not mean we are meaningless because until she blinks we are real. So live the world you know and exist in love." she fell asleep.



Scarlet: Yeah, man.

SC276: I probably would be too if I wasn’t so freakin’ confused.



(Also i added a better accepted moral since the last one was tragically misrevealed to be not quite loved.)



SC276: No, that’s not because of the moral, that’s because this story makes no fucking sense.

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s a troll story - by definition they make no sense.



Applejack sipped the cider and plot bumped her granny with the most real inversion of acceptance. "We are indeed to be making love for happiness." With magnitude of happy brief all thre of them thumbs up each other.



Scarlet: They had constructed thumbs specifically for the occasion.



So spike and her created applesauce with their great love of diligence. squishing the apples between themselves and allowing the slickness of scrunch it created to become a fulfilling sight within their breif moment of belief that carried a role of the world in the blinking pony eye of smallness.



Scarlet: And that was how Sweet Apple Acres went bankrupt!

SC276: So wait, are they making applesauce by crushing apples between their torsos? What?



(PS the tiny eye they are in is appletinis eye. Because when applejack went to everfree again the blue flower created a second applejack but small as a lol.



Waterpear: Small as the lol I am having right now.



and this world of aquestria that spike and applejack are in togertheness for brief moments to be stretched into forever with their uber soft love resides of course. In the flower joke in the world of ponyville in the everfree in appletinis eye in a blink in time.)



SC276: ...What?

Scarlet: This was a funnier and more poignant moral when Animaniacs covered it. Next!



RingmasterJ5: And now comes the point where I expect most of the commenters to abandon ship. Since, unlike the last three fics which never passed 3K, this one’s around 7K. There were a few shorter options on the list, yeah, but they were both really self-aware comedy fics that don’t really lend that well to riffing, and half of the reason we’re doing these Shuffles is to clear out some of the shorter things from the pile, so here we are.

Fallen Prime: Let’s keep self-aware comedy submissions to a minimum in the future. Our schtick is making fun of stories, and it ain’t easy to do when they’re already making fun of themselves. Not to mention the redundancy.

RingmasterJ5: Exactly. So, without further ado, the last fic of the Shuffle, “Dax’s Despair” written and submitted by Dark Angel AW.

SC276: Despair, you say? *pulls out a Monokuma*

CaptainPipsqueak: Upupupupu....



Dax’s Despair



X ~ 9 years ago ~ X



SC276: Great, we’re opening with a freakin’ flashback.

CaptainPipsqueak: They should open a story with a flashforward. Then it will already have been over.



“Push! Push! PUSH!!! PUSH!!! PUSH!!!”



SC276: “Stop pulling on the door, ya dip!”



a light blue earth pony named Nurse Tenderheart shouted as she was encouraging a pegasus mare with a white coat, a golden mane and tail, and a cutie mark of the sun shining through the clouds. The pegasus' mane was matted with sweat as she attempted to give birth.



Scarlet: She kept rolling a bit too low on the labor check.

SC276: Do we have to get the protagonist’s entire life story?



“WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME?!!!”



JofY: Pulling.



the white pegasus growled as she continued to push as hard as she could.



CaptainPipsqueak: (Nurse Tenderheart) “Well, if that’s going to be your attitude, you can just deliver this baby yourself!”



“Come on, honey. Just a little more,” a blue unicorn with a silvery gray mane and tail and a cutie mark of a pocket watch swinging back and forth said.



SC276: ...I don’t like where this is going.

Bucephalus: I’d jump ship if I were you. This is probably the Iceberg of our Titanic.



The unicorn was the pegasus' husband, “Just one more good push, Shine.”



Scarlet: This scene brought to you by literally every labor scene in fiction ever.



Shine then grabbed her husband's hoof and squeezed as she did one final push, “AAAHHHHH!!!!!” Shine shouted.

“AAAHHHHH!!!!!” the unicorn shouted in pain as his wife squeezed his hoof.



Scarlet: “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SQUEEZING ME WITH?”



Finally, after an agonizing labor, the sound of a whine coming from a foal was heard, “Congratulations,” Nurse Tenderheart said in a gentle tone, as she held up a small foal wrapped in a white blanket, “It's a filly.” Tenderheart then handed the foal to her mother.



Scarlet: Yay.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Excitement. Cigars for everyone. Even the foal.

SC276: I made it all up. *a little confetti* Surprise.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...so do I get the cigars back?



Shine lifted the blanket to see the face of their newborn foal. She had a silver coat similar to her father's mane, a white mane and tail with blue highlights, and a small silver horn, “Oh, Trance, isn't she beautiful?” Shine asked her husband.

“...My hoof...” Trance said in a meek voice as he looked at his now crushed hoof.



Scarlet: Ha! An actual joke! I had forgotten those were a thing.

CaptainPipsqueak: I guess you could say he was ‘in a Tra’...no.

SC276: Yeah, I was afraid that was where it’d go.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I stopped myself, didn’t I?



The silver coated foal opened up her eyes and looked up at her mother. Shine was surprised at what she saw. Her left eye was sky blue like her mother's eyes. However, her right eye was silver, like her father's.



Scarlet: The mark of the goddess Mary Susan was upon her from her birth.

CaptainPipsqueak: She could fire lasers from the silver one.



“So, have you two thought of a name?” Tenderheart asked.

“Yes, we have,” Shine said, “Daxelia.”



Scarlet: And they called her name “Daxelia”, which means “pretentiously weird and exotic for the sake of exoticism.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Or ‘pronounce this however the fuck you want because I’m not helping’. Ten bucks says she becomes a Goth.

SC276: Well this can’t possibly result in a bunch of scarring teasing from her future classmates.



X ~ 5 years later ~ X



CaptainPipsqueak: Five whole years. And it felt like just two Xs, two ellipses a number and two words ago…



Shine was leaning her face against a tree and her eyes covered, “...Eight...Nine...Ten! READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!”



SC276: Ready or not, there I go! ...The wall’s still here.

Bucephalus: Ah, riffers and our running jokes. In all seriousness, that’s probably going to be there till the end of time. The ride never ends.



She called out before she started looking around the playground, apparently looking for something. She started by searching near the jungle gym.



Scarlet: Is it the plot? Are you looking for the plot? Let me help!



Shine was playing hide and seek with her daughter, Daxelia, who had just turned five today.



SC276: Um, ages are zero-index. Five years later, she should be turning four.



They were at Fillydelphia National Park. Shine knew that Daxelia wasn't hiding by the jungle Gym. In fact, she knew exactly where she was hiding. Her horn was sticking out of a bush. But she prolonged the seeking process to help play on Daxelia's ego.



Scarlet: I’ll be taking bets on which of Dax’s parents die before the third act.

SC276: Ten bucks says the mom, I have a feeling I know where her dad’s talent might be applied...



“Hmmm. I wonder where she could be,” Shine said out loud. That's when she heard a giggling coming from inside a bush. Shine continued to search around the park for her daughter until she gave Daxelia a clear shot to the tree that was 'safe'.



Scarlet: “Take the shot, Dax! Take it!”



The silver filly got out from under the bush and ran toward the tree.



SC276: Badda badda badda badda badda...



Hearing this, Shine took flight and flew toward her daughter to tag her. Daxelia had won the race to the tree. But only by a couple of seconds. Shine had still tackled her daughter just for fun.

“I won, mommy! I made it to safe before you caught me!” Daxelia said as she was laying pinned down on her back.

“Oh really now?” Shine stated as she playfully argued her daughter's claim, “Well I disagree. I think I caught you first.”



Scarlet: “And if you argue with me, you get the paddle again.”

Bucephalus: I’m going to go cry in a corner and pretend that Xblade and Kudzu haven’t ruined any lighthearted thoughts about this moment.



“Nuh-uh! I won!” Dax said with a giggle, “And that means you're it again!”

“We'll see about that,” Shine said as she put on a mock sinister smile and began to ruffle the feathers on her wings. Then she began tickling Daxelia with her wings, making her laugh uncontrollably, and squirm to try to escape.



Scarlet: *presses small, red button marked ‘d’awwww’.*

SC276: ...Did anyone else hear an explosion?

JofY: We ain’t that lucky.



“Hahaha...Please...hahahaha...stop...hahaha!” Daxelia managed to say through her laughing fit.

“Did I win then?” Shine asked as she continued her tickle torture.

“Hahaha...No...haha...me...hehehehe...win...hahaha!” was all Daxelia could say through her laughing fit.



SC276: Apparently, laughing reduces fillies to a lower grammar comprehension level.



As she continued to laugh, her horn was beginning to glow with magical energy. Then suddenly, the energy burst out in a magical explosion.



Scarlet: The end!

SC276: You know we’re not that lucky.

JofY: ...Eww.



Shine had stopped tickling Daxelia, taken by surprise by the explosion.



CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, most kids would have just accidentally peed themselves. She causes explosions.



Both her and Daxelia were covered with ash after the blast. Daxelia was now panting and exhausted. The burst of magical energy combined with her laughing fit took allot out of her.



Scarlet: The allot is a powerful, mighty beast. Having it removed would be quite exhausting.



“So...*pant*...Sorry, mo...*pant*...mommy,” Daxelia panted out an apology. This was in fact a common occurrence. Whenever Daxelia was startled or just had a build up of energy, she causes an explosion of magical energy. Her parents had gotten used to it.



Scarlet: Presumably they play hide and seek exclusively while surrounded by blast shields.

SC276: And yet she tickled the hell out of her anyway?

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s almost like she knows her days are numbered. Not that I would know, of course.



“It's okay, honey,” Shine said as she helped the filly back up, “Let's get back home and get cleaned up. It's about time that we should be getting back anyway.”

“Okay, mommy,” Daxelia said as she wobbled on her hooves. Daxelia's 'bursts' take allot of energy out of her. But she managed to regain her balance. Then they headed back to their home in the western district of Fillydelphia.



Scarlet: Wait, she was west Fillydelphia born and raised? And she’s spending most of her days on a playground? Damn it, Dark Angel!

SC276: ~Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool / and she was shootin’ some b-ball just outside the school...~



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

The western district of Fillydelphia was a rather run down area. It was not a suitable district to be raising a filly. But Shine and Trance didn't have much of a choice. It was all they could afford with their salary. Shine worked as a weather pony. But her family were known to be accident prone. Shine was nowhere near as accident prone as her cousin, Derpy Hooves.



JofY: But not for a lack of trying.



But because she was accident prone, Shine was only given small jobs that paid very little.



Scarlet: “Have we said the words accident prone enough?”

SC276: What even is the pay for a weather pony anyway? Given how much the rest of the kingdom depends on their services, I would think even the small jobs would pay more than minimum wage.



Trance however had a decent paying job as a hypnotherapist.



JofY: You know, a low paying job.



However, if they were to move, Trance would have to find a new job somewhere else.



SC276: I don’t have any knowledge of how hypnotherapy clinics work - in real life, I mean - but I would think he primarily works alone. Couldn’t he just relocate his practice?



It was bad enough that his daughter barely got to see him.



SC276: Not a lot of ponies really need the deep sleep, it seems.



When he left for work, Daxelia was usually still asleep. And when he got home, it was late, usually after Daxelia's bed time. And he had to work seven days a week.



Scarlet: I had no idea that hypnotherapy was such a demanding career.

SC276: Or apparently a lot of ponies need the deep sleep. Which is it, author?



However, today was different. Today, he had left for work like usual...at least that's what Shine and Daxelia thought.



SC276: Wait, shoot, is he going to die? Dammit, I got ten bucks on you surviving!



He knew that they were planning to go to the park today for Daxelia's birthday. Trance had taken the day off today. His boss, Orion, was strict and worked his employees hard. But he was kind hearted and understood that it bothered Trance that he barely got to spend time with his daughter. So when Trance asked to take the day off, Orion gave him the entire week off.



SC276: That is the… opposite of strict.



It was an unpaid vacation. But it was a small price to pay to spend time with his daughter.



Scarlet: An immortal soul here, a few clients sacrificed there...



Trance had heard of a great bakery in a small village known as Ponyville.



SC276: Oh great, canon collision. Just what this fic needed. And we’re not at the main part of the story yet.



He had ordered a birthday cake for Daxelia's birthday. And Shine's cousin was willing to meet him halfway to deliver the cake to him. So he only had to spend half a day away from home. So when Shine came home from the park with Daxelia, they would be surprised to see him there waiting for them. He had even obtained several party supplies from a hyperactive pony that had recently started working at the bakery.



Scarlet: Okay, but why not just ask Pinkie to organize it?

CaptainPipsqueak: There can be more than one hyperactive bakery pony. You’re not the boss of them.

SC276: Also, they’re in a completely different city, so...



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X



CaptainPipsqueak: Does anyone think that looks like two X-Wing fighters shooting at each other?

SC276: The Rebellion was really going downhill before the whole New Hope chapter...



Daxelia and Shine were almost home when they ran into one of Trance's old patients. He was a blue earth pony with a white mane. He had a whistle cutie mark. He was simply known as Coach.



SC276: These are the least creative pony names I’ve ever heard. And I’ve read Mykan.



Trance had treated Coach when he hit his head and got amnesia. Trance's hypnotherapy helped him to recover his memory.



Scarlet: We are gathered here to mourn the tragic death of narrative flow. Recently it was struck headlong by a truckload of exposition. It shall be missed.



“Coach, what are you doing here?” Shine asked.

“Nothing much. Just going for a walk,” Coach replied with a grin, “I'm just waiting until I have to pick up my son later.”

“Pick up your son?” Shine asked curiously, “From where?”



Scarlet: [Coach] “Oh, certainly not the body bag I’ve packed him up in!”



“He...uh...went to a party,” Coach said nervously for some reason.



SC276: Stop riffing yourself.



Coach's son was a friend of Daxelia's, and he usually sees her on her birthday. But she hasn't seen him all day today. And this apparently explains why. But Dax still felt disappointed that she hasn't seen him on her birthday.



Scarlet: I was kidding.

SC276: So wait, he ditched his friend’s birthday party to go to… another party? Is that that folktale about how the spider got his thorax?



“Well...do you know when he'll be back?” Daxelia asked. Shine and Coach heard the disappointment in Daxelia's voice, and it hurt them. She really wanted to see her friend.



Scarlet: [Trance] “My God! She’s radiating an aura of pure disappointed adorable! No living being can withstand such power!”

SC276: Don’t worry, I’m dead inside.



“Don't worry. I'm sure you'll see him soon,” Coach said, trying to reassure the silver filly.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Very soon. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh.



“Well, it was good seeing you. But we've got to get home and wash up,” Shine said, “And make sure to tell you son to come and see Daxelia as soon as he can.”

“Yeah...I'll do that,” Coach replied. Then Shine and Daxelia headed back home.



Scarlet: I am certain nothing in this scene will be important later.



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X



SC276: Pew pew, pew-pew pew!



“Alright, is everything ready?” Trance asked as he finished up setting up decorations. Then he looked over to the table where a young earth pony, who was not much older than Daxelia, was setting the table, “High Vault, Is the cake all set?”



Scarlet: “Remember, I don’t want the strippers to jump out until after Dax is already in bed.”



“All set, mister Trance!” exclaimed a young light brown earth pony with a pole vault cutie mark. It was impressive that a pony as young as he was has managed to get his cutie mark so early in his life. His cutie mark, like his name, tells what his talent is...jumping really high. Or in this case, jumping over pole vaults.



Scarlet: No. Really. I hadn’t guessed.

SC276: Yeah, all that exposition in combination with yet another unoriginal name made me really not care.



“Nice work. And just call me Trance. No 'mister',” Trance replied.



SC276: Not even if you paid me. And that’s serious, since I’m freakin’ broke.



Then he turned his attention to the main room, “What's the progress on the games?”

“All the games are set up!” a white pegasus filly, who was part of a group of foals, said.



SC276: [filly] “We got Mario Party and Dokapon Kingdom and… uh, I was running short on time, so I just picked up Sonic R.”

CaptainPipsqueak: YOU’RE DEAD TO ME.



“Alright,” Trance said before turning to the hallway, “And are the presents all hidden?”



Scarlet: “Because if they aren’t, I will end you.”



“That depends. Do you count yourself as one of the presents?” a green earth pony with a brown mane and tail said. He was an adult pony who had a cutie mark that was a blotch of browns and greens.



SC276: One, what is that supposed to mean, and two, who’s this jerk?



“You know what I mean, Camo. The presents that Daxelia's going to unwrap,” Trance said. Trance and Camo are foalhood friends. And Daxelia loved it when Camo came to visit. And Camo loved to visit Daxelia as well.



Scarlet: And I loved hearing about how they loved visiting! I loved it so much!

CaptainPipsqueak: And they love tennis, too.

SC276: Could’ve just said “honorary uncle,” but no, you had to unnaturally force it.



“I know, I know. But you should know that I'm the master of hiding. Everything's all hidden,” Camo replied.



CaptainPipsqueak: ...and not the master of unlocking?

SC276: [Trance] “You’re going to be able to find them again, right?”

[Camo] “Um…”



Trance's attention was taken by a sound coming from a walkie talkie, “Trance, come in...over,” said the voice on the walkie talkie.

“I'm here. What's the news?...Over,” Trance asked.

“Shine and Daxelia are on there way home. Is everything ready?...Over,” the pony on the other end said.



Scarlet: Wait. Walkie-talkies in Equestria? Regular walkie-talkies? The technology level in this show continues to be confusing!

CaptainPipsqueak: Originally, they were going to be called Trotty-talkies, but that sounded silly.



“Affirmative. Everything's all set...over,” Trance said.

“Alright. I'll see you later then. Over and out,” the pony said.



SC276: I don’t understand surprise parties. Granted, I’m not the kind that likes surprises...



'Shine and Daxelia are coming home a little early, aren't they?' Trance thought to himself. Then he turned to everypony there, “Alright everypony. They're on their way here. Everyone get ready.” As everypony were getting into position, Trance turned off the lights and hid himself.



Scarlet: I foresee only good things coming from throwing a surprise party for the filly who literally explodes.

SC276: Oh right, that. There is now even less of a reason to have a surprise party!

CaptainPipsqueak: Body parts everywhere.



“I can't wait to see the look on Daxie's face when she see's us,” Camo whispered to Trance.

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Daxelia was prancing around her mother as they walked home. Her energy had returned to her after her magical blast that she caused.



SC276: Wait, is this from the playground earlier? We don’t need more time shenanigans, author.



She was still disappointed that she hadn't seen her friend yet, but she decided not to let it get to her.



Scarlet: We’re happy for you, Dax.



“What are we gonna do when we get home?” Daxelia asked excitedly.

“Well, I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a bath,” Shine said with a smile.

“A bath? But I hate baths,” Daxelia whined. Daxelia loved the feeling of being clean. But she hated the process of getting clean.



SC276: Girl, you’re too young to be a moody teenager.



Her parents weren't sure if it was because she just hated baths, or if it was because she hated water. The 'hating water' theory was plausible since she never wants to go to the public pool to go swimming, no matter how hot it is.



Scarlet: I’m sure none of that could have been revealed through back and forth banter between Dax and her mother that might’ve, idunno, endeared these characters to me so that if something bad does happen I care even the smallest amount.

SC276: And what does not going to the pool have to do with hating water? I avoid going swimming because I pretty much always have a hundred sheets of paper and no less than two electronics in my immediate vicinity at any given time!



“Well like it or not, you're getting a bath,” Shine said as they headed up the path that lead to their front door. Shine opened the door and they walked in...

“SURPRISE!!!”



Scarlet: “We got you an angry mob for your birthday!”



The sudden shock of the surprise caused Daxelia to cause another explosion, charring everypony and everything within a ten foot radius.

*Flop*



Scarlet: *slow clap*

CaptainPipsqueak: But no body parts a-flyin’. DAXELIA, YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.

SC276: How long was this written before the Angry Birds movie trailer?



Daxelia used up her energy again and fell to the floor, panting from the energy consumption.



Scarlet: I suppose it’s economical to tire out your five year old before you let them gorge on sugar.



“That's my girl, heheheh,” Trance laughed,



JofY: “Injuring us if she were to ever get more powerful.”



“Happy birthday, Daxelia.” Trance then used his magic to lift the little filly up and set her on his back. Once she was able, Daxelia gave her father a big hug...well, at least she tried. With her energy drained, a big hug wasn't really more than just laying on her father's back.



Scarlet: One point for cuteness, story. That’s all you get.



“Da...Daddy!” Daxelia said in between breaths.

“I think you blew the candles out a little early, Daxie,” High Vault said.

“HIGH VAULT!!!” Daxelia shouted as she jumped off of her father's back and ran over to her friend, stumbling a bit since she was still drained of energy, “But your dad said that you were at a party.”

“Did I lie?” Coach said as he came walking through the door, “This is a party after all.”



Scarlet: Oh my god! It was a surprise birthday! Now that floating scene from earlier makes sense! I would never have guessed!

SC276: I actually would’ve prefered he be dead. Then we could get some of the despair the title promised us. *holds up the Monokuma plush* This face wants freakin’ despair, people!



“And you didn't think I'd miss seeing you on your birthday, do you?” High Vault stated with a smug grin plastered on his face.

“Oh, that reminds me. I promised Daxelia that I'd tell you that she wanted to see you,” Coach said with a comical tone.



Scarlet: His Louis CK impression needs some work.

SC276: I can’t parse what he’s actually saying. Who wants to see her?



“Well, I re-lit the candles,” Trance said, “Is everypony ready for cake?!”

“CAKE!!!” Daxelia exclaimed.

“Then make a wish and blow out the candles...again,” Trance said.



Scarlet: “And again. And again! Destroy every candle in your path! Leave no survivors!”

SC276: And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...



“I doubt that she could wish for anything better than for her father to be here for her birthday,” Shine said, “After all, you know how little she sees of you. Anyway, it's time for you to blow out the candles, Daxel...Daxelia?” Shine noticed that Daxelia was just staring blankly at the cake. It was like she was in some sort of hypnotic spell.



Scarlet: Wow, it’s almost as if doing something that might deliberately provoke a taxing magical surge was a bad idea!

SC276: Funny that comes up considering her father’s a hypnotherapist...



High Vault walked up to Daxelia to see if she was okay, “Hey Daxie, are you alright?” he asked.

The sound of his voice seemed to snap her out of her trance. Her eyes snapped open and she shook her head out of confusion. Then she looked around in confusion, “Wha...What?” she asked in confusion, “What just happened? Where am I?”



Scarlet: If this turns into that one story from Hyperion where a man’s daughter ages backward through time, I’m done. Because I like that story.

SC276: “What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you people?!”



“Daxelia, honey, you're home,” Shine answered, “At your birthday party. Remember?”

“What just happened, honey?” Trance asked.

“I...I don't know,” Daxelia said, still with a confused look, “I-I guess I just zoned out.” Daxelia's mood completely changed from her confused state back to her party frame of mind, as if her trance never even happened. Daxelia then blew out the candles.



Scarlet: The effort involved caused her to explode.

CaptainPipsqueak: God, I do not want to be around when she reaches puberty...



“So Daxelia, what did you wish for?” Trance asked.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Your deaths. Oh God; did I say that out loud?”

SC276: Unfortunately, saying it out loud means it won’t come true...



“If I told you, then it wouldn't come true,” Daxelia said.



SC276: Yeah, I just said that, sister.



The truth was, she would've wished to see her father on her birthday, but that came true even before she wished for it. So instead, she wished fo-mmmm....



Scarlet: Mmmm? Well, I mean, I guess that’s something. I’d have gone for eternal life, youth, and power but hey, that’s just me!



(Pinkie: No, don't tell them what Daxeela wished for! Otherwise it won't come true!



Scarlet: Wat.

SC276: Dear god, the fourth wall’s breaching again. And me without my slingshots...



Author: But that's only if Daxelia herself is the one who gives it away. And besides, I'm the narrator! Technically, nopony in the story is actually saying it!



JofY: Actually, because you’ve inserted yourself into the story, you have become your own character. And since your species cannot be verified...



Pinkie: How do you know that won't make a difference? If you tell everypony what Daxeela wished for and it doesn't come true, then she'll hate you... FOREVER!



Scarlet: Is anyone else watching the author have a breakdown as he talks to the cartoon horse living in his head?

JofY: Why no, this doesn’t look familiar to me at all.

SC276: I need help maneuvering this giant-ass band-aid!



Author: But I'm not just the Narrator, I'm also the Author. So I... Wait... HOW THE HECK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME?!!



Scarlet: Good question! There’s a very simple and effective non-bullshit answer you would’ve written in the margins somewhere if you had room for it, I’m sure.

CaptainPipsqueak: This is what they call ‘padding’, yes?

JofY: That, or we’ve been getting leaks.



Pinkie: That doesn't matter. All that matters is that you remember... FOREVER!

Author: Ugh, fine. And her name is 'Daxelia', not 'Daxeela'.)



SC276: Back! Back! Back behind the fourth wall with you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!



The rest of the day was spent eating cake, playing games, opening presents, and generally just having fun. But unfortunately, the day had to end eventually and everypony had to go home.



Scarlet: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out~

SC276: Well points for skipping the boring parts, but they also skipped the part where one foal stole another’s Star and was slammed over the head by the victim’s controller. They’re not talking anymore.



“Dad, if it's alright with them, is it alright if I sleep over?” High Vault asked.



SC276: If it’s alright with you and it’s alright with him and it’s alright with me...



The young colt didn't exactly know why he wanted to stay so badly. But he was too young to understand the feelings he was having.



SC276: I’m pretty sure whoever was talking about puberty earlier was joking.



“Well, if it's alright with Daxelia's parents,” Coach said as he looked toward her parents to see what their answer was.



Scarlet: I’m scarred enough at this point that I’ve armed myself just on the off-chance this does turn out to be foalcon.

SC276: Hey, I’ll take any despair at this point.



Trance looked down at his daughter to see her big puppy dog eyes. Then he turned to his wife who nodded approvingly, “Well, since it is Daxelia's birthday...I suppose it'll be alright,” Trance said, acting as if he was only being nice this once. He would've said yes in a heartbeat though. He knew how close Daxelia and High Vault were.



Scarlet: He recorded their every moment with a state of the art surveillance system.

SC276: The fact she was bummed about him not showing up was evidence of that. That last line was completely unnecessary. This author does not have a high opinion of his audience.



“Alright then. You can sleep over,” Coach said as he headed to the door, “I'll see you tomorrow then. And again, happy birthday Daxelia.” With that said, Coach headed out the door.

“YAY!!!” the two foals cheered as they hugged each other happily.



Scarlet: So is… is anything going to happen here?

CaptainPipsqueak: Only if you believe really hard.



“Do you think they realize that they're more than friends?” Shine asked her husband.

“I doubt it. They're too young to really know what they're feeling,” Trance replied, “But I do think that High Vault will make a good father for our grandfoals.”



Scarlet: She’s five! He’s five! They don’t care yet! They won’t care for another eight or nine years at least! You people are sick!

SC276: The worst part the “present” has them at 10.



“Aren't you thinking a little too far ahead?” Shine replied, “I think it's a little to early to be thinking of ourselves as grandparents.”



Scarlet: Thank you, Shine.



“Don't tell me you don't see it happening,” Trance said, pointing at the two young ponies happily trotting about, “You don't have to be a psychic to see that they're going to end up together.”



Scarlet: Because there has never in history been a time when childhood friends of the opposite gender have grown apart as they grew older.



Shine looked at the two and smiled, “I see you're point,” she replied, “But I'd rather you not be talking about grandfoals...not yet anyway. It makes me feel old. And I'm too young to feel old.”



Scarlet: That’s your objection?

SC276: I feel old just reading this.



“Deal,” Trance said, “But does it make you feel better knowing that princess Celestia is over a thousand years old?”

“Not really,” Shine said, “Princess Celestia may be allot older than me. But she still looks like she's younger than me. And that just makes me feel like I look old.”



Scarlet: The return of the majestic allot.

SC276: That just reminds me of that one Foxtrot strip.



“After they have their fun, I want to talk to Daxelia for a little while,” Trance said, becoming serious as he changed the subject, “Something bothers me about her little... daze that she had earlier.”



Scarlet: Gee, is it possible that your daughter’s explosive magic surges might be having an adverse effect on her, or be linked to a dangerous underlying cause?

SC276: This is where the hypnosis comes in, doesn’t it.



“Are you sure you're not just being over protective?” Shine said, knowing that Trance was serious.

“I may not get to see my little filly as often as I'd like,” Trance said, “But I at least know her well enough to know that that's never happened before.”

“I guess you're right,” Shine admitted.



Scarlet: But we’re not going any further here, because SCENE!



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

“Alright, Daxelia. Just relax and let your mind drift,” Trance said in a soothing voice.



JofY: Uhhhh...



He didn't want to use hypnosis on his daughter yet, since she admitted that she did remember what happened during her zoning out.



JofY: UHHHH...



She said it was like trying to remember a dream though, so Trance was helping to put her into a type of trance that would relax the mind like in sleep, helping Daxelia to remember what she saw,



Scarlet: But remember, that’s not hypnosis.

SC276: What kind of trance doesn’t relax the mind like that, I ask?



“Now go back into that vision. What is the first thing you see?”



SC276: You freakin’ suck at hypnosis. There’s no way she’s that far down after only one or two lines.

CaptainPipsqueak: Look at your stallion. Now back to me. Now back at your stallion.



High Vault was there watching with amazement...and a hint of fear.



SC276: What is he even doing here?

JofY: Is it finally time for some death?



“I see...three ponies,” Daxelia said, “One of them is a child.”



Scarlet: ~We three ponies in this dream are/bearing gifts, we traverse afar~

SC276: ~Field and fountain, moor and mountain / following yonder star...~



“Focus on them. Can you see who they are? Do you recognize them?” Trance asked.

“They...They're us. Me, you, and mom,” Daxelia said, “We're walking down a street.”



SC276: Well at least it’s not the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. You walk that one alone. Maybe with your shadow, but that’s the only one.



“Do you know what street?” Trance asked, “Are there any street signs, houses you recognize, any landmarks that might indicate where you are?”



Scarlet: Somewhere on the corner of where Batman’s parents were shot and the main drag of Silent Hill, I presume.



“No. It's all in fog,” Daxelia said.



Scarlet: Well I got half of it right!



“Alright, let's continue,” Trance said, “What's happening? What are we doing?”

“We're walking. I don't know where to,” Daxelia said before Trance could ask, “Wait...there's somepony else there.”



SC276: [Turret] “Is someone there? I don’t hate you.”



“Who is it?” Trance asked.

“I don't know. I can't see him,” Daxelia said, seeming to become agitated, “All I see is darkness.”



Scarlet: Xehanort, I’ve asked you to stay out like five times now! The joke is going to die from overuse!



“If he's in the darkness, then how do you know he's a pony?” Trance asked, "How do you know there's even anypony there?"



JofY: Remember, when you are in a trance, you can’t smell or hear.



“I don't know. I just know,” Daxelia said as she was beginning to panic, “He's coming closer.”

“What's he doing?”



Scarlet: [Daxelia] “He’s raising his hooves… and now he’s swaying back and forth rhythmically… oh god, it’s the Caramelldansen! That meme’s dead! We thought it was dead!”



“I don't know! I don't like him! Get him away from me!”

“What's he doing?!”



JofY: Hi there, could I interest you in some fanfic?



“No! Please! Get away!”

“Daxelia, what's-”



Scarlet: “-love?”



“TRANCE!” Trance was snapped back to reality when Shine shouted.



SC276: And now you’re here too! Is there no sanctity left?!



It was now that he realized how much his daughter was panicking. Her panic was severe enough that it may cause damage if it's not stopped soon, “Okay, Daxelia. Allow the visions that you are seeing to slowly fade away into nothingness.”



Scarlet: I foresee nothing bad at all happening in the near future.



Daxelia was beginning to calm down slowly. After a few minutes of calming down, Daxelia opened her eyes as if nothing happened. Trance had put her into a deep enough trance that she wouldn't remember what happened. Or at least, it would be like trying to remember a dream.



Scarlet: But remember, this is not hypnosis.

SC276: Yeah, I’m familiar enough with the idea that this session is freakin’ bullshit.



“Are you okay, honey?” Trance asked Daxelia.

“Yeah, I think so,” Daxelia replied, feeling a little dizzy.

Trance walked back over to Shine as Daxelia and High Vault went upstairs to play, “I didn't mean to go overboard with my session,” Trance said, “It's just that I've never had so much difficulty getting information from somepony.”



Scarlet: “Honey, normally you threaten to hit them with a crowbar until they talk.” “Oh yeah!”



“Well perhaps this was just the work of an overactive imagination,” Shine replied, “After all, she's only five years old. And young fillies and colts tend to have an overactive imaginations to the point where they can believe their imagination was true.”



Scarlet: “On the other hand, we’re in a fic with ‘tragedy’ in the title.”

SC276: “Despair,” actually. I’m not carrying this plush bear around for nothing.



“Well...perhaps,” Trance sighed, “But even if it was just her imagination, It bothers me that she could come up with something that terrifying. And the fact that she just blanked out when it happened just makes it that much for disturbing.”



Scarlet: “The kid’s creepy. Let’s ditch her.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “We can start again. We’re both young and I can still stomach looking at you.”



“Well foals her age also still believe in Nightmare Moon,” Shine said.

“Nightmare Moon is just a fairy tail. It's silly to believe in a fairy tail like that,” Trance said,



Scarlet: GET IT? DO YOU GET IT, GUYS? I DON’T KNOW IF YOU GET IT! BECAUSE NIGHTMARE MOON TURNED OUT TO BE REAL, SO THIS IS IRONIC! GET IT?

CaptainPipsqueak: I didn’t know fairies had tails...

SC276: Not sure if ponyspeak attempt or actual typo. *squints eyes*

Scarlet: Clearly they’re just really into anime.



“But...considering that I still believe in Nightmare Moon when I was her age, I guess I can assume you're right.”

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Upstairs in Daxelia's room, they were playing a game where they pretended that the floor was molten lava,



SC276: We know that game, author. It’s called “The Floor is Lava.” Just use the freakin’ name, ya pretentious git!



and they had to keep from touching it at all costs.



JofY: Unfortunately, there wasn't any furniture.



After they got tired with that game, they just decided to relax on the bed. It was slightly awkward because neither of them had anything to say. But they didn't mind that much. They just enjoyed each other's company.



Scarlet: “They” being Shine and Trance, I assume, given we’ve had no indication to the contrary.



“So, Daxie, what do you want to do now?” High Vault asked as he was just laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“I don't know. What do you want to do?” Daxelia asked.

“I don't know. What do you want to do?” High Vault asked again.



Scarlet: Actual recorded dialogue from conversations between five year old me and my sisters.

SC276: “Whatta ya want to do today?” “I dunno, whatta you want to do today?” “I dunno, whatta you want to do today?”



Seeing where this was going to head, Daxelia decided to stop the endless loop before it even started, “You wanna go down to see if we can have some more cake?” Daxelia asked excitedly.



JofY: “I dunno, do you wanna go down to see if we can have some more cake?”

SC276: [Daxelia] “We’ll have to bake you first, though.”



“I like you the best when you're thinking with your stomach,” High Vault said as he hopped down off the bed. The two little ponies then headed back downstairs to ask Daxelia's mom if they could have some more cake. But when they got downstairs, they couldn't find Daxelia's parents anywhere. All they found was a note that read…



Scarlet: “See you, suckers. We out.”



We're sorry we didn't invite you to come with us on our walk tonight.



JofY: Oh, please let this ACTUALLY be something.



We assumed that you wanted to spend some time with High Vault. We hope this doesn't upset you. The two of you are welcome to have some more cake. But don't eat the entire thing. And that means you, High Vault.



Scarlet: [High Vault] “That sounds like a challenge!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It has rat poison in it. It’s our little game. Some pieces are safe to eat and some will kill you.”

SC276: One, that’s the Russian Roulette Dinner from Yu-Gi-Oh, and I’m not making that up. Two, who leaves five-year-olds unattended?!



Daxelia turned around to see High Vault holding the cake and was about to eat it all in one bite. But when he noticed Daxelia staring at him, he put it down and smiled sheepishly.

“Well, my parents are on one of their walks. So we can have some more cake,” Daxelia said, “Just remember that it's not your cake to inhale.” Daxelia then cut them a couple of slices of cake.



Scarlet: Five year old with unstable magical aura and a cake knife. This story is not safe for children.

CaptainPipsqueak: Unless you’re Daxelia. Then it’s only unsafe for everyone else.



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

“Are you sure we should've left her home on her own?” Shine asked.



SC276: That’s what I’m freakin’ asking!



“She's not on her own, she's with High Vault,” Trance replied,



SC276: That doesn’t help at all!!



“And besides, I've seen how protective High Vault can be of Daxelia. If she get's so much as a paper cut, he'll treat her as if she had a broken hoof. Trust me. She's in good hooves.”



Scarlet: “So what if she explodes?” “Eh, we’re young, we can make another one.”



As the couple walked down the street, they came across somepony they thought they'd never see in West Fillydelphia.

“Oh my...is that...” Shine asked, unable to finish her sentences.

“It couldn't be,” Trance said in denial, “Somepony like her would never come to a place as run down as West Fillydelphia...would she?”



Scarlet: Who, the Virgin Mary?



“Ah, I see I've been discovered,” the large white alicorn said.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Very few people would have noticed a large white alicorn.

SC276: I’m pretty sure Philadelphia doesn’t get foggy as hell. This isn’t Trottingham.



“PRINCESS CELESTIA?!” both Trance and Shine said in unison before they bowed to the sun princess.

“It is alright. You may rise,” Celestia said with a warm smile.



Scarlet: Okay, I wasn’t entirely off with my answer.



“P-P-Princess, w-what are y-you d-d-doing h-h-here?” Trance stuttered.



SC276: Dude, you literally hypnotize ponies. Have some mental fortitude.



“My sister and I used to come here allot when we were fillies,” Celestia explained,



Scarlet: The allot- a creature so majestic that royalty uses them exclusively for transportation.



“Of course this place looked allot better over 1000 years ago.



SC276: OK, author, now you’re just doing it on purpose.

JofY: “Of course, 1000 years ago, this place had an economy.”



One of our good friends used to live here when he was a little colt. That is before our father took him in.”

Trance saw the look in the princess's eyes. He was taking a risk talking like this to the sun princess, “Was this your foalhood coltfriend?” he asked.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Dude, I was five and more interested in catching butterflies than boys. What do you think?”

JofY: [Trance] “...Yes.”



“TRANCE?!” Shine exclaimed at her husband's comment.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Go away, dear; I’m trying to hit on the Princess.”



“No no, it's alright,” Celestia said, “I supposed you could say I had a slight attraction to him. But my sister had a bigger crush on him than I did. And I knew it.



JofY: “So I banished her to the moon.”



I also knew that he returned her feelings. And since being the older sister got me more attention, I thought that it was only fair that she had him instead of me.”



Scarlet: There are so many things wrong with this dynamic that I’m not sure where to start.

SC276: Well for one, it’s this fic.



“So you come here for sentimental value?” Shine asked.

“I supposed you could say that,” Celestia said, “But I also come to pay my respects to him. It was 1,142 years ago today that he saved my sister's life...at the cost of his own.”



Scarlet: Hey, you know what would be a way more interesting story?

SC276: The freakin’ apple short fic, actually.

JofY: *Picks out another piece of glass.* I like my health, so I think I’ll stick with this one.



“Oh, I'm so sorry,” Shine said sympathetically.

“It's alright,” Celestia said, dismissing Shine's concern, “It's actually good to talk to somepony about it.



SC276: [Celestia] “Not that I haven’t had plenty of opportunities in the last 1,142 years, but this plot needs to keep going.”



I come during the night time because I usually won't have to worry about ponies coming and crowding around me. But it's good to be able to see somepony, as long as it's not overwhelming. I also come at night because that's when the accident happened.”



Scarlet: “He was struck down by a rogue exposition truck driving through the story at mach speed and holding up the plot.”



“Oh, well, how long will you be here for?” Trance asked, “Because maybe we could bring our daughter to come to see you as well. She just turned five today and it would be a great birthday present for her to meet you.”



Scarlet: So hey, you’re talking to the most magical pony in all of the land. Are you going to possibly mention that you have an exploding filly?



“I usually stay for a couple of days. Though during the days, I would have to disguise myself so that I won't be noticed by the public,” Celestia said,



JofY: “You’d be surprised how well a pair of glasses work.”



“Perhaps tomorrow night I could come by and visit.”

“That would be wonderful!” Shine exclaimed. They then gave the sun princess their address.



Scarlet: I’m sure they are going to mention they have an exploding filly any second now.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Oh, and by the by: our child randomly explodes. You may want to consider wearing something less valuable when you visit. Princess? Princess Celestia? Where are you going, princess?



“Good night, princess Celestia,” Trance said as they parted ways.

“Good night,” Shine said, following her husband's lead.

“Good night to you both,” Celestia said. Then they parted ways.



Scarlet: Once again, my bare minimum hopes are dashed. Que up Apple-Picking Beam again, because I am in despair.

SC276: ~The boy was dreaming of living free / but now he can only laugh at reality...~



Not long after Celestia and the couple had parted ways, Celestia had gotten to the playground where she used to play with her sister and their friend. That's when she passed by a pony wearing a hooded cloak. Celestia had a bad feeling about this pony and thought she should've stopped him.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “That’s either a cult member or paparazzi, and I’m getting tired of both.”

SC276: I punch a cultist...



But she often got a little paranoid on this night, so she decided to ignore him as he walked in the direction that she had come from.



SC276: I love how even when the closest thing to a goddess is bought in, the fic continues to work to ensure something terrible happens to the filly.



Celestia did find it odd however that he completely ignored her. It was like he didn't realize the sun princess was standing right there. Either that or he didn't care. Every fiber in her being was telling Celestia to stop that pony. But she refused to let paranoia get the best of her.



Scarlet: So not even going to start up a conversation with him? Ask a policeman to keep an eye on things? Mention this to anyone? Jeez, the return of OOCelestia.

SC276: She’d at least say “hello”...



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

“High Vault, how long does it take my parents to go for walks?” Daxelia asked, a twinge of worry in her voice.

“About fifteen minutes,” High Vault answered.

“And how long ago did we find that letter that they left us?”



Scarlet: “The one with ‘ha ha, we’re free you little monsters, free’” scrawled on the back, you mean?”



“About an hour ago,” High Vault replied cluelessly,



SC276: How the hell did running into Celestia delay them by forty-five minutes? I mean, even with this fic’s roundabout prose...



“Is something bothering you Daxie?”



JofY: “...I want more cake.”



“Have my parents come home yet?!” Daxelia asked, worry now evident in her voice. The look on High Vault's face showed that he realized what Daxelia was trying to tell him. She was worried that something had happened to them.



Scarlet: It took them an hour to start panicking? These are some hardcore five year olds.



“I'm sure you parent's are fine,” High Vault said, trying to reassure Daxelia, “Maybe they just got held up with something. Maybe they went to the store for something. I'm sure everything is...”

“EVERYTHING'S NOT FINE!!!” Daxelia suddenly snapped. Her outburst had surprised even herself.



Scarlet: Fine, alright. Just once. You’re Lying!



High Vault then nuzzled Daxelia to help calm her down. It was partly to comfort her, and partly because he noticed her horn was starting to glow. And when her horn starts to glow, she's about to blow.



Scarlet: Ewwwwww. Someone did not think that line through.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or, even worse, did.

SC276: Like the author’s going to start now.



But even though High Vault had managed to calm her down, her worry for her parents did not subside, “May...Maybe you're right,” Daxelia said, trying to reassure herself. But it wasn't working so well.

But as she attempted to calm down. The front door suddenly burst open and in the doorway stood a large menacing pony that gave off an aura of darkness.



Scarlet: As random scions of evil who make house calls on unremarkable fillies are wont to do.

SC276: Why wasn’t that locked?!

JofY: Oh, come on. It’s not like anyone would try to invade.



He was all black, save for his dark red eyes. And the dark energy that he seemed to radiate hid his details enough that he couldn't be identified.



Scarlet: Oh I see, he’s a gestalt fusion of all the stereotypical emo alicorn OCs.

CaptainPipsqueak: No, see, he’s totally different. He’s not black and red, he’s black with red eyes. Totally not the same.



The only identifiable features were his dark red eyes that seemed to glow, a long black sharp horn that radiated an unnatural black magical aura, and his large menacing wings that had a demonic appearance to them.



Scarlet: This off-brand Sombra is so much less satisfying than the crystal-dragon version.

SC276: At least that one threw Chrysalis across the Crystal Empire.



“HELP!!! IT'S NIGHTMARE MOON!!!” High Vault screamed as he ran off in terror. The dark pony rolled his eyes while Daxelia facehoofed. Anypony who knew about the legend of Nightmare Moon knew that Nightmare Moon was a mare, not a stallion.



Scarlet: Ha ha ha, ain’t it funny? You’re totally both about to die!

SC276: That is a completely necessary detail right now!

JofY: “Excuse me murderer, but are you a man, or a woman?”



The last thing Daxelia remembered was his horn starting to glow. Then there was a flash of dark energy. Just before she blacked out, she thought she heard a voice saying “Your parents have been murdered.”



Scarlet: Followed by a Game Over screen.

SC276: TIME FOR THE PUNISHMENT!



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Celestia decided to head back to find the address that the couple had given her. That way she wouldn't have any trouble finding it the next night.



SC276: And where were you for the last hour, lady?



On her way back however, she found the couple she had met...laying lifelessly in a puddle of blood.



SC276: Insert that dead-body-discovery music from Danganronpa here.



Celestia used her magic to check for a heartbeat...there was none.



Scarlet: And apparently the other half of my Silent Hill/Batman prediction was right on the money. I swear I don’t read ahead in these things.

SC276: Also, Mom’s dead. Where’s my ten bucks?



But what bothered Celestia the most was the cloak that was laying next to the couple. It was the same cloak as the one that the mysterious pony she crossed paths with earlier was wearing.



SC276: Gee, I did not see something like this coming.



Celestia was unable to think clearly as she realized that she had let that mysterious pony murder this kind and innocent couple. And this also meant that their daughter that they spoke of earlier was now an orphan...Celestia had just made an innocent little filly an orphan.



Scarlet: Congratulations.

SC276: Lady, “orphan” is going to be trumped by “dead” soon if you don’t haul your sunny ass.



Celestia then did her best to regain her composure and use a tracking spell on the cloak so that she can find the owner. However, it seemed that the tracking spell wasn't working. It was almost as if the owner of the cloak was not of this world



Scarlet: My OC Gestalt theory is gaining in-fic credence.

SC276: Boooo, it’s a ghooooost!



. Either that, or the owner was so powerful that they could avoid detection of a tracking spell.

Celestia then looked at the address...

1142 Guardian Angel road.



Scarlet: Oh great. Her childhood friend is a revenant.



“Guardian Angel road? That's the road that was named in respect to him,” Celestia realized, “And 1142? That's the same as how many years ago he died...and how many years ago the road was named!”



Scarlet: That means… literally nothing!



X ~ 1,142 years ago ~ X



SC276: Oh for fuck’s sake, fic, this is 1,142 years ago with respect to the present! That last scene was five years in the past, so it’d be 1,147 years ago! Keep your own fucking internal logic straight!



“We are here to respect the memory of the pony who had saved Luna's life,” The mayor of Fillydelphia announced, “Luna's father, Lord Galactus,



CaptainPipsqueak: “...who is the whole reason behind Celestia’s cake addiction thing…”



had ordered that we honor the memory of Luna's savior.



SC276: [Celestia] “We were totally trying to get out of it otherwise. Also, the guy’s my father too since we’re sisters, but the author apparently doesn’t know that.”



And we shale do so by giving the road the name 'Guardian Angel Road', since the best way to honor his memory is to give him the title of Luna's guardian angel.”



Scarlet: “We shall begin each year by reminding you never to drive faster than he can fly.”

SC276: [Celestia] “And not after his actual name. Come to think of it, we really don’t give a damn about this guy.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Who?



Luna had her muzzle buried in Celestia's shoulder as the memory of what happened still hurt.



CaptainPipsqueak: So did Luna embedding her nose in her sister’s shoulder, but Celestia chose to keep quiet.



“Everything will be okay,” Celestia said as she tried her best to comfort her little sister.

“I just miss him so much,” Luna whimpered.



Scarlet: Wow, if only we had some sort of actual insight into why these three were so close. Maybe a story to establish this totally new character and get the audience on his side, perhaps? But such things are unpossible!



X ~ End Flashback ~ X

Celestia then used her magic to send a message to the hospital and to law enforcement, making sure they knew where to find the bodies. Once someone arrived to take care of the situation, she headed off to the address she was given to find the now orphaned filly.



Scarlet: You didn’t tell anyone about her? No law enforcement, no social workers, nobody? OOCelestia is just the worst!

SC276: Yeah, sure, only tell them about the ponies they can’t save! Also, I thought you were in front of the house; you’re telling me you just came across their bodies on the way there?!



However, once she arrived and looked inside, she saw that there was nopony home. It was however recently used, seeing as there were traces of a party still around.



SC276: Pretty sure you could find Fallout houses with similar decoration.



And she even saw a banner saying 'Happy Birthday Daxelia'.

As she was about to use a tracking spell to try and find the orphaned filly, she noticed a note…



Scarlet: “Abandon hope, all ye who read past this point.”



To whom it may concern,



JofY: ‘Would you like to know how to increase your loving by three sizes?’



I have taken the little silver filly to safety. I will make sure that she will not be harmed. I cannot let anypony know where I have taken her, or what I plan. But rest assured that she will be well taken care of.



Scarlet: This raises several red flags at once.

CaptainPipsqueak: “I have no plans whatsoever to rape her. So don’t let that thought bother you, now that I’ve put it in your heads.”

SC276: And not even the decency to sign it.



Desperate to find the filly to make sure that she's safe, Celestia used a tracking spell to find her, hoping that it would lead her to the orphaned filly. But instead, another part of the message appeared...

If you are reading this, then that means you have used a tracking spell. I have anticipated that somepony may try using a tracking spell to find either me or the filly.



Scarlet: A veritable David Xanatos, I see.

SC276: Also, this author sucks at separating written notes from the rest of the prose.



So I have put a spell on everything in the house that will negate any tracking spell used. I can't risk anypony to find out where I have taken the filly. It is for her own safety.

P.S. I would advise not to use a tracking spell on this note again.



Scarlet: “Also your gun cannot shoot me, because I have a magic forcefield.”

SC276: What’s it going to do, explode harmlessly in her face?



Ignoring the warning, Celestia used another tracking spell, determined to find the orphaned filly. However, this time her magic recoiled and she was shocked by her own magic. Then another part of the message appeared...

I warned you.



Scarlet: Wrong order, buddy.

SC276: Eh, I was close.



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

As Daxelia began to wake back up, she saw that it was morning.



SC276: Insert morning announcement here.



But her surroundings were unfamiliar. She was in a decent looking place, about the same quality as her house. But the place seemed rather empty, as if nopony was actually living here.



Scarlet: Is this the part where she turns into Batman, or is that later?

CaptainPisqueak: Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot...



When she looked out the window, she saw in the distance what she recognized as Silver Lake. This meant that she was all the way in the eastern district of Fillydelphia. How was she going to get back home?



Scarlet; Why bother? Just move in with your auntie and your uncle in Bel-Air!

SC276: Gee, how to get from the eastern part of a city to the western part of the same city? I haven’t the foggiest!



The silver filly's thoughts were derailed when her stomach started growling. She left the room she was in and went downstairs to see if there was any food. If this house really was empty though, then the chances of her finding food were slim.

When she went downstairs and into the kitchen, she saw a tray with several kinds of foods on it. It seemed that her luck was good...for now anyway.



Scarlet: And only half the food was poisoned!

SC276: Can’t even be bothered to at least overview what the actual foods were.



After Daxelia had eaten her fill, she checked the door to see if she could leave.



SC276: Which door? It’s a house, there’s a lot of doors.



However, the door was locked and she was too small to reach the lock. It was just out of reach.



SC276: Locks are usually located below the doorknobs. If she can reach that to try and open the door, she can reach the lock.



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

After a week of being a prisoner in that house, Daxelia had grown another inch.



Scarlet: That is a fast-growing five year old.



She had no idea where the food was coming from.



SC276: What is even the point of this. Like seriously, we don’t even learn how she’s coping with suddenly being prisoner for a week. What happened to her coltfriend? Isn’t she worried about him?



But one day she had found a large black feather on the floor next to the tray of food.



JofY: A crow took her food!



Daxelia had reached up to the lock. She was almost there...

*CLICK*



Scarlet: And now she’ll escape and discover that the entire facility was a sham!

SC276: What is this, Tai Lung’s prison?



Daxelia had successfully unlocked the door. She then filled a small bag that she made with a sheet and filled it with some of the food...along with the feather. Then she headed out the door to try to get back home. It was going to be a long trip, that was for certain.



Scarlet: Because taxis and police officers who might be willing to help lost children do not exist! Oh just freakin’ walk.



But she wanted to see High Vault again.



SC276: You think he’s OK, even though he was with you when you were kidnapped?!



She remembered hearing that voice saying that her parents were murdered...that was a rather blunt way to say it.



SC276: Now’s too late to riff your own narrative style, author.



But if this was true, it meant that she was an orphan. Maybe High Vault's dad would take her in.



Scarlet: Thus making our ‘meant to be’ five year olds into siblings. Well, I’m not weirded out!

SC276: Some despair this is! Her parents are dead, she’s been kidnapped for a week, doesn’t know what happened to her best friend, and she doesn’t seem remotely bothered at all!



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

The combination of distance, not knowing where to go, and being as young as she was made her trip back home take over two months.



SC276: You literally couldn’t get directions to someplace else in the same city? When you live on the street named for Celestia’s dead friend and thus would be famous? Clearly, any despair this fic was referring to is that which it induces in its readers!

CaptainPipsqueak: She tried running away from home once, but wasn’t allowed to cross the street without an adult. She spent three hours walking around the block before giving up.



She had managed to stretch out the food she had brought with her for three weeks. But that was all she could do. However, every night after she had ran out of food, once she woke up, there would be a little more food.



Scarlet: This can only mean one thing- the food is reproducing asexually.

Captainpipsqueak: Well that’s put me off eating it.



It seemed somepony was trying to help her. But who?



Scarlet: Someone who really doesn’t want to take her to law enforcement, Celestia, or anyone else who might be able to help her it seems.

SC276: I honestly have no fucking idea what this guy’s plan is. I mean, it’s not unreasonable to assume there’s some connection to Celestia’s dead friend - I mean, it’s almost blatant at this point. The only hole so far is I can’t tell if the pony that killed her parents and barged into her home is that same guy or not.

JofY: I’m wondering why Mr. Mysterious can’t write a note saying: ‘THIS IS WHY I AM DOING WHAT I AM DOING.’



But at least this meant that Daxelia got back home. The first thing she did was to go back to her home to see if her parents were still alive. However, when she looked in the window, there was another family inside, and the furniture was all different.



Scarlet: “Move into a murdered family’s home not a week after the incident? Seems legit!”.

SC276: Scar, I hate to defend this fic, but it just said it was two months later. Pay attention already.

Scarlet: It took her two months to cross the city without a single officer noticing the child wandering alone, or having her reported? I… no.

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, there were, but after the second or third explosion...



The next thing she did was to go to High Vault's house to see if she could stay with him. When she knocked on the door, she was greeted by a mare that she didn't recognize, “Hello?” the mare asked.

“Is...uh...is High Vault home?” Daxelia asked, afraid she was going to sound ridiculous.



Scarlet: Dax channels the author.



“Hmm. Was his father's name Coach?” the mare asked. Daxelia nodded, “I'm sorry, but they moved out about a month ago.”



SC276: That is your reaction to seeing the filly of the dead parents that went missing two months ago?! This city sucks with its news reports!



“Oh...well...thanks,” Daxelia said disappointed. She then walked away.

There was one final option for her. It was the fort that she and High Vault built at the park.



SC276: And not, you know, the cops.



When she headed to the park to see if it was still there, she was glad to see that it was.



Scarlet: “Complete with the security bunker and tomahawk missiles.”



At least this meant that she had shelter. It wasn't much of a shelter, but it protected her from rain and was warmer than just laying outside. And the sheet she used as a bag she now could use as a blanket.

X ~ 10 month later ~ X



SC276: Wait, is this ten months after that last scene, or ten months after the “present time” we started nine years behind?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yyy...es?



Daxelia's shelter was no longer a doable shelter.



SC276: Shelter shelter, shelter. Shelter? Shelter!



There was a termite infestation about a month ago. Now the shelter was no more than a pile of rotting wood in a tree.



Scarlet: Ten months? I don’t care if this is west Filly, nobody is going to ignore a kid living in a park for the better part of a year! She’s five!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but she randomly explodes. Do you wanna mess with that shit?

Scarlet: Do you want it in your park?

CaptainPipsqueak: Do you want to be the one dumb enough to try to make it leave?



But that wasn't the worst of Daxelia's problems. Ever since her shelter was, for lack of a better term, destroyed, Daxelia had been feeling sick and was losing her appetite. She was barely eating enough to even keep her alive. But for the past few days, she had stopped eating all together. And the only shelter she had was a jungle gym at the playground.



Scarlet: Too stupid to bother riffing. All of this.

SC276: Why hasn’t she talked to the cops? Why haven’t the cops talked to her? Why hasn’t she done anything in ten months, including find a new shelter? Despair as a result of everyone being stupid is not true despair. The freakin’ mastermind would slap this author for this insult.



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Celestia had once again returned to West Fillydelphia. It was now the 1,143rd anniversary of when her friend had died...and the one year anniversary of when that kind couple were murdered. She now had two reasons to visit here.



Scarlet: Great food and a welcoming atmosphere!

CaptainPipsqueak: Also endless breadsticks.



As she passed the playground as she usually did, she notice what seemed like a lump of dirt under the jungle gym. At first, she didn't give it any thought. But then she thought she saw it moving.



JofY: Molemen!



So she went to go check it out. Sure enough, it was a little filly. She was covered in dirt and mud. And she was barely breathing.



Scarlet: OOCelestia manages to accomplish something. And only a year too late!

SC276: What has she been doing this past year?! Considering she considers herself directly responsible for her parents’ murder, she would’ve put resources into tracking down the kidnapped filly through mundane means like her actual guards or something!



Celestia used an identification spell to see who her parents were.



SC276: That’s what you ID?! And not who she actually is?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Very little...nothing has made sense so far; don’t expect things to start now.



When she saw the images of her parents, she was surprised to see that it was the couple who were murdered. She was the filly that she had allowed made an orphan.



Scarlet: So which of these two is Batman?



Feeling a pang of guilt hit her, she felt responsible.



JofY: What? Giving up, after… 2 attempts? You tried!



When she nudged her head to wake her up, she felt that she had an extremely high fever and needed medical attention. She immediately took her to the Canterlot hospital, using a teleportation spell to get there.



Scarlet: Good. Going by her track record, I wasn’t sure she’d have the brains.

CaptainPipsqueak: She has to do something right now and then. It’s in her contract.

SC276: Was going to a Fillydelphia hospital just that out of the question or something?

CaptainPipsqueak: Please. She’s the Princess. Do you think she’d be caught dead going to some commoner hospital?



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Daxelia remembered waking up feeling a bit disoriented. She felt weak and unable to get up.



SC276: That’s the author forcing more dumb melodrama into this fic.

CaptainPipsqueak: “I’m badly written and I can’t get up!”



When she opened her eyes, she saw that she was in a white room. But her blurry vision combined with her disorientation made it so that was all she could recognize.

Her disoriented mind made her think of a strange thought, “A...Am I...dead?” She asked quietly, still feeling really tired.



Scarlet: So is she going to have that exploding thing become story relevant at any point?

CaptainPipsqueak: Dude. Who cares? EXPLOSIONS.

SC276: Honestly, death would be a mercy for everyone involved.



“You're awake!” she heard a voice say. She then saw a blurry image of a large white pony with a pastel mane.

“Are you an angel?” Daxelia asked, noticing the wings.



Scarlet: Really, kid?

CaptainPipsqueak: “Yes, child; the angel of death…”



“No, I am not an angel. And you are very much alive!” the large pony said.



CaptainPipsqueak: “...but if you’ll give me a moment, I can fix that for you.” Also, she not ‘large’, she’s ‘solidly-built’ or ‘statuesque’.



As her vision cleared, Daxelia was able to see who the large pony was. It was none other than the sun princess herself, “Princess Celstia!” Daxelia exclaimed



Scarlet: Now available from reliable Hasbro bootleggers- the new full size Princess Celstia and Agrestia playset!



weakly as she tried to get up. But she was pushed back down by Celestia.

“Please, don't try to get up. You're still far to weak,” Celestia said, “I found you in West Fillydelphia under a jungle gym.



SC276: She was living in a jungle gym for at least a couple weeks and no one noticed? She lives in the most abandoned neighborhood ever.



You were covered in dirt, you were barely breathing, and you had a high fever. You are very lucky to even be alive.”



Scarlet: “Especially since you spontaneously combusted three times while I tried to move you.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Bitch, I was so ready to abandon your ass.”



“I wish I was dead,” Daxelia said, “Then I could see my parents again.”



CaptainPipsqueak: (Celestia)” ‘kay.” *snap* THE END.

SC276: Where the hell did she learn her parents were dead? Given how non-chalant about it she was, I didn’t think she accepted it.



“Were your parents Shine and Trance?” Celestia asked, receiving a nod from Daxelia, “I saw your parents that night...just before they...” Celestia didn't have the heart to finish her sentence.



Scarlet: “...gave me their address.”

CaptainPipsqueak: ...were able to tell me who the murderer really was.



“...Before they were murdered?” Daxelia asked, finishing the sun princess's statement.

“They had asked me to come to see you the next day, as a birthday gift,” Celestia said, “But by then it was already too late.”

“When I blew out my candles, I wished that I would be able to meet you,” Daxelia said weakly,



Scarlet: GET IT GUYS THE IRONY IS HER WISH CAME TRUE BUT ONLY BECAUSE OF A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY! GET IT?

CaptainPipsqueak: “I was able to see Celestia and all someone had to do was kill my parents! Coolest! Birthday! EVER!”

SC276: Was the hooded pony attempting to avert fate or something? Because Celestia showing up on the same day this chick wished to meet her is too big a coincidence.



“Although, I didn't exactly mean like this. Me barely able to move, and you taking care of me...like mommy would.” Tears then began to form in her eyes at the thought of her parents.



SC276: Whom you showed no signs of actually missing.



“Well, I'm a year late, and it's not the best conditions. But, happy birthday,” Celestia said with a warm smile, “May I ask your name?”



Scarlet: “Are you a boy or a girl?”

SC276: She remembers the murder, and yet did no follow-up, including learning what the victim’s daughter’s name was and she should probably freakin’ do something considering, y’know, her parents are dead? I think my brain is literally trying to eat itself from how stupid everyone in this fic is.



“D...Dax...Daxeli...ia,” Daxelia replied, her exhaustion getting the best of her.

“Well Daxelia, I think you should get some sleep,” Celestia suggested.



SC276: [Celestia] “We’re trying to see if we can get you even dumber.”



Daxelia slowly drifted off to sleep. Her thoughts were that of how kind Celestia has been. She had even saved her life.



SC276: After neglecting to even attempt to locate a missing filly.



She had managed to fall asleep with a smile.



Scarlet: “And afterward, she exploded again.”



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

For the next few days while Daxelia was in the hospital, Celestia was right there with her the whole time.



CaptainPipsqueak:Yeah! FUCK the sun and daylight and shit! A little filly that explodes takes precedence.



She got some food in her system to help her get her energy back, and any injuries she had were minor enough that she was in good enough condition to be released from the hospital.



Scarlet: “Only ten months of malnourishment and a few untreated sprains she put pressure on. She’s fine.”



Celestia had offered for Daxelia to stay with her in Canterlot Castle. Daxelia had accepted that offer. She wished she could go back home...but she no longer had anything there to go back to.



SC276: Could, y’know, figure out where your best friend moved to. That’s a start.



And Celestia was a kind princess.



Scarlet: “Albeit a stupid one.”



It then dawned on her...she was basically being adopted by a princess! When this realization dawned on her, she suddenly became giddy at the thought.



CaptainPipsqueak: Though that might just be the painkillers talking.

SC276: Or the dying brain cells.



She knew that she wouldn't be a princess herself. But that didn't matter to her. It was an exciting idea that very few ponies would even dream of it happening.



Scarlet: Say it with me- so happy she exploded!



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

A dark figure was watching in the shadows as Celestia was walking into the castle with Daxelia, “Take good care of her...Celly.”



JofY: *Spits out water.* WHAT!? WHAT!!! BULLSHIT! FUCK YOU STORY! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! ARE YOU BLOODY TELLING ME THAT LUNA WAS THE KIDNAPPER!? WHY!? WHY!?! I’M SORRY, BUT FOR WHAT REASON DID LUNA HAVE ABANDONED A FILLY AFTER KIDNAPPING HER!? AND IF YOU DARE TELL ME THAT IT WAS THE LOVE INTEREST FROM A MILLENIA AGO, WELL, HOW CAN HE BE THERE AND SIX FEET UNDER!?!



Author's Note:

Before anyone starts jumping to conclusions, the pony that took Daxelia is not the same pony who murdered her parents.



SC276: ...What? How does that make any sense?! Why the fuck would the one not seeking her harm kidnap her and leave her best friend in possible danger?! And if there’s two ponies, where do the one that murdered the parents go?!



Also, the "9 Years Ago" time frame is referring to 9 years before before the 1st episode of the show.



Scarlet: Thanks, author! Now explain why the police are terrible!

SC276: Why couldn’t you have said that before now?! This fic is most certainly the worst of the batch! The first one was a terrible misguided premise. The second was a confusing choice of narrative style combined with a confusing plot. The third was a troll fic. But this last one… This one is driven by pure stupidity! The title isn’t even accurate; the main character shows no hints of any negative emotion whatsoever after having her parents murdered, being kidnapped to who knows where, taking two months to cross a city, living as a street urchin in a rotting treehouse for a year, and almost dying herself. The rest aren’t any better. The parents leave two five-year-olds alone in their house while they take a walk and don’t even bother to lock the front door. Celestia does not greet or do anything including investigate about a character she senses is malicious, and when she finds the parents dead and the filly missing, she does nothing outside the same tracking spell - which never actually works - repeatedly in terms of effort to find her, to the point she doesn’t recognize her when she finds her almost dead. The best friend also doesn’t try to help in any way. And I don’t even know what the motivations behind the murderer and the kidnapper are; the murderer just kills two ponies because reasons and vanishes into the night never to be seen again, while the kidnapper takes her from her home and leaves her completely unattended with regenerating food in a house with minimal security to keep here there for no readily apparent reason. Everyone in this fic is an idiot! As well, Dax is borderline Mary Sue, with the mixmatched eyes and getting “adopted” by Celestia, what even happened to her by four years when the show starts? As well, the one established trait that could provide at least some unified comedy, her exploding when startled - which the fic explicitly says, I don’t know why you guys kept going as if she just blows up at random - is used just for a surprise party joke, which only serves to paint the parents as greater idiots because they threw a surprise party for the filly they know explodes when surprised!! The only “despair” in “Dax’s Despair” is for the reader!!

Scarlet: Gags aside, I’m not sure if I count Dax as a Mary Sue. If we have to use that label for any character, I vote Obviously the Guardian Angel Character who went around saving her. As much as it’s a fandom in-joke, I never realized that stories with actual red and black alicorn OCs were really a thing. I always thought only one or two actually existed and were funny for the same reasons saying “Shadow the Hedgehog” is pretty much an automatic punchline. Speaking of which, “Shadow the Hedgehog.” There, I riffed every future chapter of this story as well.

SC276: I said “borderline.” Mary Sues usually have more personality than this. At least, they react. And make me feel like strangling them specifically, and not the entire freakin’ cast.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Welcome to the inaugural F/F/T3K15 Community Month. We have no fucking clue how frequent these will be, but this whole month is going to be about 85% user submissions.

Fallen Prime: And he picked them all out. I have no idea what I’m here presenting; I was pulled away from Afterbirth for this.

RingmasterJ5: Aw, don’t rub it in, it’s not coming to PS4 for another month. Anyway, though, that’s the thing: I have no idea what these are either. This is a bit of an experiment/example.

Fallen Prime: Oh, this is going to end in tears.

RingmasterJ5: The following four fics were all submitted to the group’s “Submissions” folder, so apparently some people out there want to see these riffed. Whether they’re riffable or not, I have no idea (well, except for one which me and Fallen have heard of before), but we’re going with them anyway because they’re all short, it’ll clean up the submissions folder for future polls, and hey, community month. First up, we have a pro-human TCB fic called “How an Actual Pony vs. Human War would Go” by HonestAJ4President and submitted by Waterpear.

Crazy56U: ...it ends in 10 minutes because of nukes?



Author's Note:

This is not meant to be taken serious



Crazy56U: Oh, goody!



and I thought of it after reading the 'Something that human vs. pony stories rarely consider' thread on the 'Humans are Superior' group.



Scarlet: I’m with Team Jabberwocky.

SC276: I’m with Team Monokuma.

Sigma: Team Leopluradon for life.

Crazy56U: Team Free Will.

Topher: 4 riffs in, and I’m already lost.

Crazy56U: I was referencing Supernatural. ...fuck knows what the others are referencing...



It made a good point; which thinks faster, a computer of a Tomahawk Missile or a unicorn that is tasked with stopping a Tomahawk Missile, and has never seen a Tomahawk Missile.



Scarlet: The correct answer is why are we waging war on Equestria?

SC276: I would think the right answer is the unicorn because it has a brain, a.k.a. the fastest computer ever conceived by the physical world.

Topher: Also, the unicorn has lasers.

MrSing: Though you couldn’t have a pleasant conversation over dinner with a Tomahawk Missile, it could probably beat you in chess. I heard it sucks at solitaire though.

Crazy56U: ...does this mean I’m technically right with my “10 minutes” guess?



Again, don't take any of this serious. Please excuse my blatant misuse of military equipment.



Scarlet: I refuse.

SC276: If you weren’t planning to use it properly, why include it?

Sigma: I’ll excuse that… But only if I don’t excuse anything else at all, which I wasn’t planning on anyway. So no.

Crazy56U: As long as you don’t accidentally nuke the Moon, we’ll be good…

RJ: Son, I set FIRE to a 2.5 MILLION DOLLAR Humvee. You don’t know a thing about blatant misuse of military equipment.



The 5 Minute Battle



Scarlet: Took place during a speedrun of Fire Emblem.

MrSing: That’s what I call it when I try to go on a diet.

Crazy56U: ...fuck...



A UN meeting was underway when there was a bright flash and a white winged unicorn appeared in front of everyone.



Scarlet: Eh, that’s not unusual. You should sit in on a witch’s council sometimes. Occasionally we get visits from Cthulhu. He’s such a sweetheart!

MrSing: “Get out! You’re going to have to make an appointment just like everyone else.”

Crazy56U: Nice to see you’re gonna take your time and build up to Equestria making its presence known...



"Hello humans. I am Princess Celestia and I have come to rid the multiverse of your scum.



Scarlet: Part of this statement is incompatible with the first bit.

SC276: We come in peace - shoot to kill.

MrSing: “Just put it out on the street next tuesday and we’ll come and get it.”

Crazy56U: Celestia, we don’t care about the household products you’ve come to pitch, go away.

Dark Angel: Does this mean that Celestia is here to take Mykan away?! Please?



You constantly slaughter and lie to each other and destroy your world.



MrSing: Not to mention all the fanfiction.

Dark Angel: Especially Mykan.

SC276: Will you please stop mentioning Mykan?! We’re trying to move past him after

having to deal with that idiocy for four months!

Crazy56U: He will never leave...



I have come to put an end to it.



Scarlet: “Please ignore the fact that I asked my protege and her best buds to reform a chaos god once, and this is clearly not me talking.”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “I’m your new President for life. Suck it, Trump!”

Topher: Don’t worry, Donald. you still have the prize for craziest hair.



I give you a week to gather your army and then, I will invade."



Scarlet: I guess Pen Stroke isn’t going to be the worst person at writing pony warfare I’ll riff this year.

SC276: Got in just in time too, it’s November.

Sigma: “The invasion will be swift and fluffy.”

MrSing: That is just enough time for the UN to have a meeting about possibly doing something about this.

Crazy56U: And within a week’s time, Equestria would be nuked 15 times over. ...yeah, yeah, I keep bringing up nukes, but come on.



Then there was another flash and 'Princess Celestia' was gone.



Scarlet: Wow, even the text is adding scarequotes around that name now!

Crazy56U: “Princess Celestia” was a pseudonym. Her real name was “Golpear Boca”. ...it’s Spanish...



The Security Council President, Eugene-Richard Gasana,



Scarlet: Why does this guy have a name? Is he important to the story?

Crazy56U: I feel stupid for asking… but is that even a real person.



stood up and said "All in favor of putting all wars on hold to defend ourselves."



Scarlet: I might actually cry that’s so stupid.

Topher: Meanwhile back in reality, the real UN is wondering what the hell was in the water.

MrSing: Is this the plot of “Watchmen”?

Crazy56U: Celestia’s timing couldn’t have been better! Apparently, the United States was in the middle of waging all of the wars!



There was a resounding "Aye."



Scarlet: I am still crying.

Crazy56U: (slides over a box of tissues)



"All opposed," he continued.



Sigma: Me.

Topher: Me.

Bucephalus: Me. Given that we haven’t been told how many people were at the meeting, we still have the possibility of outvoting them.

Scarlet: It’s the UN. No matter what actually gets decided, you know that the US is gonna do what it feels like anyway.

Crazy56U: Nay.



No one said 'Nay'



Crazy56U: Motherfucker, I did.



and he added "Leaders of the world, prepare your armies. We have no idea where the ponies will come through."



Scarlet: So this is a five minute battle because alicorns can apparently teleport into secure facilities full of world leaders without any sort of security response and wreck the room, right?

SC276: I can tell already the author’s gonna say the ponies are gonna win. Even though I’m pretty sure J.K. Rowling said in a battle between a wizard and a muggle with a gun, the muggle wins. ...I’m sure that relates somehow.

Crazy56U: My guess is that they’re going to come through (points off to the right) over there.



A Week Later



RingmasterJ5: “The claim that the battle would only last five minutes was greatly exaggerated.”

Crazy56U: The prequel to 28 Days Later sure is taking some liberties...



NORAD Control



MrSing: They are very serious about not being rad.

Crazy56U: Home of the WOPR.



"Sir, we're picking up something in the Great Plains. Strange flashes and an unexpected storm."



Scarlet: I thought this was an MLP fic, not Gravity Falls!

SC276: Don’t worry, if this was Gravity Falls, the eye of the storm would be triangle-shaped. With an extra hole above one point in the shape of a top hat.

Sigma: I think that someone sent another Terminator back in time.

Crazy56U: Nope, it’s Marty McFly in the DeLorean! He’s come to end this nonsense!



"Get the President on the phone, code red people, code red!"



Scarlet: “HOLY SHIT MR. PRESIDENT, THERE’S INCLEMENT WEATHER IN THE MIDWEST!”

Sigma: “Dear GOD, the Midwest has weather?!”

Crazy56U: “WE’RE OUT OF CODE RED MOUNTAIN DEW!!!”



The Great Plains



SC276: The lousiest screen transitions ever.

MrSing: What’s so great about these plains anyway?

Crazy56U: A textbook oxymoron.



Celestia walked triumphantly out of the portal,



Scarlet: That’s a thing now.

Bucephalus: At this point, I’m fairly certain that Celestia has seven million or so portal devices lying around.

Crazy56U: “while blasting ‘Without Me’ on a boombox.”

RJ: [Celestia] “... ‘Welcome to Nebraska.’ Is that a good thing?”



her army of Royal Guards behind her. Shining Armor was next to her, all with battle armor and weapons made of solid gold.



Scarlet: Someday I’m going to explain the difference between a “guard” and a “soldier”. I’m pretty sure no nation in the world prosecutes its foreign wars with a national guard.

Sigma: “BEHOLD OUR TOTALLY NOT IMPRACTICAL SOLID GOLD POWERS- Oh, shit, they’re all falling over before they can even move.”

MrSing: Ah, the golden sword. You can use to either stab or bribe your enemy. The perfect weapon.

Crazy56U: Oh, goddamnit, I’ve Minecrafted enough to know that they should made diamond swords, damn it, not gold! Gold swords are shit!

Topher: A lesson most players unfortunately learn the hard way.

Bucephalus: Unless you want good enchants. But, then again, nuke beats magic, so...



After all of her 40 thousand soldiers were out of the portal, she used her Royal Canterlot Voice to give a speech.



Scarlet: “I KNOW THIS FANFIC IS SHIT, BUT HOLD FAST! IT PROMISES TO BE A SHORT ONE!”

MrSing: “IF ANYONE ASKS IF WE ARE THERE YET ONE MORE TIME I’M TURNING THIS WAR AROUND!”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “I’M NOT VERY GOOD AT SPEECHES... ... ...OKAY, LET’S GO.”

RJ: [Celestia] “ASK NOT WHAT YOUR PRINCESS CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK HOW MANY OF YOU WILL DIE FOR ME.”



"SOLDIERS OF EQUESTRIA! TODAY WE HAVE COME TO THIS DIFFERENT UNIVERSE TO WIPE THE MULTIVERSE OF THEIR SCUM!



Scarlet: ~My Little Pony! Don’t you know humans are better off deeaaaaad~

SC276: That incident of absolute despair that has the overly long sub-name? I thought that started in Japan.

MrSing: “You’ll find your assigned brush under your chair.”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “SO I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR MOPS AND SPONGES, THIS PLACE IS FILTHY!”



I AM TALKING ABOUT HUMANS; THEY CONSTANTLY SLAUGHTER AND LIE TO EACH OTHER AND DESTROY THEIR OWN WORLD!



Scarlet: And here you people thought Chatoyance had a strong anti-humanity stance in her fiction.

SC276: Didn’t she already say this? I mean, not right to the U.N., but also to her people before coming to Earth?

Sigma: “And they make porn of us!”

MrSing: I have never lied or murdered anyone and if say that again I’ll shank you and put you on the pile with the others!

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD!”



WE WILL BE THE HEROES OF THIS WORLD AND THE MULTIVERSE! YOU WILL ALL BE HONORED IN THE WALLS OF HONOR!"



Scarlet: “WHICH IS APPARENTLY A THING WHICH WE HAVE NOW!”

MrSing: It’s right next to the hall of postmodern art.

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “LOUD NOISES!”



Suddenly a small helicopter loaded with soldiers flew overhead



Crazy56U: “blaring ‘Do You Love Me’ while beginning to gun the ponies down.”



and a general with a megaphone spoke to her.



Scarlet: Because this is totally how modern wars work and a commanding officer would totally expose his ass to aerial reprisal in this way.

Waterpear: No, it makes perfect sense. How else is the top brass going to shout terrible one-liners at each other?

Crazy56U: “Like our kickass helicopter? Surrender now, and we’ll give you it for free!”



"Hello, Princess Celestia. This is your first, and final, warning.



Sigma: “We have McDonald’s here.” “RETREAT! RETREEEEEEAT!”

Crazy56U: “Stop this now so we can end this story on the spot.”



Surrender and go back to your world, we will not follow. Attack and we will open fire.



Scarlet: “Are you taking notes? There will be a test on these terms later. I have asked Private First Class Jenkins to distribute the paper.”

Crazy56U: “Retreat, and we will pursue. And that is how wars work, hope you enjoyed the refresher.”



There are 6 C-130s carrying over 30 M1A2 Abraham tanks, 8 F-35s, 3 A-10s, 6 Apache Attack Helicopters, 10 Sea Knight medium lift helicopters filled with US Marines, and multiple Tomahawk Missiles standing by for launch.



Scarlet: You scrambled Abraham Tanks for use in the Great Plains? While planning to strafe the area with missiles? I’m not a soldier but I’m pretty sure you don’t call in an air strike on the same place you’ve got your own artillery standing!

SC276: I’m pretty sure we got at least one army nut here, or at least someone willing to Google those names. Can someone check those, please?

Topher: On it! *Slams head into keyboard repeatedly* What? It’s clearly how the military is naming their weapons.

RJ: Okay, let the vet here work. No, you wouldn’t fire artillery or an air strike onto your own troops, the F-35 isn’t even out of testing yet, it’s Abrams not Abraham, and even ONE of those wouldn’t fit on a C-130 because it’s too freaking big both in weight AND size. Google your shit son.

MrSing: “Is this the military? Yeah? I’d like an order of five XR-10s with extra cheese on top and a side order of six A56-Ds without any onions.”

Crazy56U: “We also have sticks to poke you with as well, and trust me, the fuckers are sharp.”



Overall, there are over 350 heavily armed soldiers waiting for a war. Do you surrender?"



Scarlet: 350? You were facing extradimensional armies and you brought fewer troops than what the local branch of the national guard probably has garrisoned? Um, yeah, this war will be over in five minutes alright.

Waterpear: It’s like the battle at Thermopylae, except without any of the cool parts.

Bucephalus: This. Is. Crappy Fanfiction!

Crazy56U: Unless those are Captain America-style super soldiers, I don’t really see

how that’s impressive...



"PAH, WE HAVE 40 THOUSAND SOLDIERS, ARMED WITH SOLID GOLD ARMOR AND WEAPONS! YOU DO NOT STAND A CHANCE!"



Scarlet: Also we have a make-shit-come-to-life spell that we can cast on helicopters. Sucks to be you general!

SC276: Just a Want It Need It on one of their tanks, it’ll be fine.

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “YOU THINK YOUR STICKS SCARE US?! WE HAVE SPEARS, BITCH!”



The pilot could be heard saying "Is she serious?!" in the helicopter.



MrSing: Oh no! They are going to tank the value of gold, disturbing the already frail economy! We surrender!

Crazy56U: [Pilot] “Jesus Christ, tell me she’s not that suicidally stupid…”



The general again spoke into the megaphone "Are you serious? Solid gold armor and weapons."



Scarlet: Dude this is not how you fucking negotiate during wartime- what even am I reading?

SC276: Someone’s played Minecraft, apparently…

Sigma: No, if they played Minecraft, they would be diamond.

Crazy56U: That’s what I’ve been sayin’!!!



"OF COURSE. NOW, IF YOU SURRENDER YOUR DEATH WILL BE QUICK!"



Scarlet: I see that Chrysalis is up to her old tricks again.

Crazy56U: Either that or Celestia is fucking plastered.

Bucephalus: Tell us where the talking llama is… and we’ll burn your house to the ground.

SC276: Um, don’t you mean “or?”



"It's your funeral." was the last thing the general said before reaching for his radio and saying "We are a go." The helicopter flew away and Celestia thought that they were retreating.



Scarlet: Um, no. Why would you think that. A messenger departing back to the lines of their main force was a thing even in ancient warfare. I…. what even?

MrSing: You don’t get it. All the soldiers and tanks were in that one single helicopter.

Crazy56U: Uh….



"SEE, MY SOLDIERS! WE HAVE ALREADY SCARED THEM OFF! COME, WE MARCH!"



SC276: Gheeze, this Celestia is an idiot. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this exact brand of idiocy before, but it was so stupid my brain scrubbed it to avoid hard disk corruption.

MrSing: Patton she is not.

Crazy56U: ...I stand by my plastered theory.



The USS Missouri, the USS Iowa and the USS New Jersey



SC276: Wait, aren’t these ships? Launching into the middle of the U.S.? What military experience does this author have, DEFCON?

Sigma: I haven’t seen ship placement this bad since Transformers 2.

MrSing: I haven’t seen ships this bad since I last looked at fimfiction.

Crazy56U: I haven’t seen ships this shipped since I shipped them using FedEx. ...ship…

Topher: Um... Additional ship pun.



"Launching Tomahawks."



Scarlet: Yes, fire all of your arsenal at your own soil. At a technologically inferior foe. Brilliant plan! *thumbs-up*

Crazy56U: Luckily I still have this cued up.



Great Plains



MrSing: Bringing you plain great Great Plaines since 1870.

Crazy56U: Greater Values



"Princess, what's that noise?" asked Shining Armor shortly before 3 Tomahawk Missiles struck the 40 thousand soldiers, many of which died. "WHAT IN TARTARUS WAS THAT!" shouted Shining.



Scarlet: That, my friend, is the smell of bullshit in the morning. *takes a deep whiff* Mmm… smells like victory.

Crazy56U: (sniff sniff) ...what smells like burnt glue?

Topher: Sorry, I decided to try smoking glue instead of sniffing it. Didn’t work. Also all the horses that just got nuked to oblivion.



"Simply human magic, my general. Nothing to fear."



Scarlet: Holy shit! It is Chrysalis!

Crazy56U: ...now, technically, technically, Celestia isn’t wrong. Explosions are caused by science, and science can be considered to be akin to magic...



replied shortly before a 6 large, flying objects were seen in the distance.



MrSing: I always knew the military was hiding air whales from the rest of us.

Crazy56U: Well, apparently sky sharks exist, so why not.

Bucephalus: Nuke... the Whales!



5 smaller objects dropped out of the back of each. Shortly after the large objects flew overhead. "Pegasi, destroy them."



Scarlet: No, you fool! It’s a bullet hell pattern! You have to ignore the complexity and focus on the small area around your hitbox or you’ll never survive!

Waterpear: The objects had verbs done to them by the subjects.

Crazy56U: Well… things will be destroyed, and the pegasi are involved, so...



"Yes, ma'am."



Crazy56U: “I’m always down for a suicide mission!”



The pegasi in the army took off and approached the large objects. Suddenly, many of the pegasi were shred to pieces and a smaller flying objects shot by.



SC276: ...I’m not sure what to say to this. This is the stupidity that would fail the tutorial case of Ace Attorney games.

Crazy56U: ...so, they were hit with flying lawnmowers?



"Ma'am, I believe that we should retreat." suggested Shining.



Crazy56U: [Shining] “You know, maybe enough of our forces have died to make this a

pointless mission, you think?”



"No, my general, they are just getting lucky." replied Celestia.



SC276: Yeah. Lucky. Hitting 40k guys in 3 shots is “lucky.”

MrSing: Praise RNGesus!

Crazy56U: And on that note!



After a few seconds, Shining replied "Ma'am, all the pegasi are dead.



Scarlet: “Though to be fair none of them were apparently capable of moving fast enough to leave contrails in the sky to compete with flying machines, so not really much of a loss. Why didn’t we bring the Wonderbolts, again?”

Crazy56U: [Shining] “The fuck is wrong with you.”



We are taking massive casualties and it has only been 3 minut- wait, what's that rumbling?"



Crazy56U: My guess? More incoming death.



Then a row of 6 columns of Abrahams came into view over the horizon, about a mile away.



Crazy56U: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeep.



In the Distance



MrSing: I’m just waiting for the fic to slip up and say “somewhere over there” as one of the locations.

Crazy56U: If it does, I’m suing for plagiarism.



"Alright boys. Intel says that the opposition has solid gold armor, this should be easy. What's the plan?" asked a commander of a lead tank.



Scarlet: “Intel”? Wh- I… you overheard this shit! It was all shouted at you! How on earth did you confirm it?

Waterpear: Intel says they’re gold, but AMD thinks it’s just painted steel.

MrSing: “Our tanks are solid lead. We have the advantage.”

Crazy56U: “Eh, I think our current plan of missiles is working just fine, to be frank…”



"BLITZKRIEG!" shouted most of the commanders.



Scarlet: What the fuck? The Major’s in this now? Shit, I don’t have time to fight vampire nazis during this riff!

Waterpear: There’s always time to fight vampire nazis. Just spar with one or two a day and you’ll knock ‘em all out in no time.

Crazy56U: ...so, just keep killing, then?



"Fuck yeah, BLITZKRIEG!" shouted the commander as he ordered all tanks to charge and call in air support.



Scarlet: So you’re charging straight into the area… where you’re asking your air support to fire tons of ordnance… and...that is not how you do a coordinated strike!

Waterpear: That is not how you do a coordinated fanfic.

Bucephalus: That is how you throw a victory in any strategy game ever.

Crazy56U: “I FUCKING LOVE THAT SONG!”



Back to Ponies



MrSing: I’m watching you, fic.

Crazy56U: Yes, back to the slaughter.



"Ma'am, the metal carriages are advancing. Orders?" said Shining Armor, visibly looking for a place to run.



SC276: Well you could have the unicorns levitate those things onto their side.

Sigma: Or make a wall of death, maybe a couple mosh pits.

Crazy56U: Or… make a shield?



"This is where we turn the tide; FORM A DEFENSIVE LINE! WE WILL STOP THOSE MONSTROSITIES HERE!" said Celestia in her Royal Canterlot Voice.



SC276: Or, y’know, the stupid option.

Waterpear: Always take the stupid option. It’s the smart thing to do.

Crazy56U: ...hmm... Let’s get Speed Racer’s take on this stupidity:



Bucephalus: Geez. Why hasn’t Equestria been killed in the past ten thousand years Celestia has been in charge? Oh yeah… she actually knows how to run things.



The 3,000 ponies remaining formed the line when a large amount of smoke was ejected from the barrel of one of the tanks.



MrSing: “Stop smoking in there Private Jenkins!”

Crazy56U: Well, at least that smoke isn’t on the water, lest we have fire in the sky...



Shortly afterward, there was a massive explosion and many more of the ponies died.



SC276: Did Celestia just forget to pack unicorns or something? My closest experience to wargames is Darwinia, and I would’ve known to get away from that shit!

Scarlet: Why aren’t we out of ponies yet? I guess solid gold armor can tank Tomahawk fire!

Waterpear: Yes, in much the same way that jet fuel cannot melt steel beams.

Crazy56U: To immerse yourself in this story, hit your hand with a hammer every time ponies die.



More tanks fired and more ponies were blown to hell. "Teleport to Canterlot?" asked Shining.

"Teleport to Canterlot." agreed Celestia.



SC276: “Run away!” “RUN AWAY!”

Crazy56U: “Ahhh?” “AHHHHHHHHHH!”



"WE WILL BE BACK HUMANS, AND THEN WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!" There was a flash and Celestia and Shining were gone.



Scarlet: TEAM CELESTIA’S BLASTING OFF AGAIIIIIIIIN! (ding!)

Waterpear: Team Celestia makes Team Rocket look competent. At least the Rockets knew that rubber gloves were a thing. OOCelestia would probably eat the gloves.

MrSing: I’ll get you next time, Inspector Gadget. Next time!

Crazy56U: They went back to Canterlot to shit themselves in fear.



One of the ponies noticed this and said "THOSE MOTHERBUCKERS!". He was then teleported to the moon, however, a SABOT round that was about to ruin his day came with him.



SC276: That makes even less sense than the rest of the fic.

Scarlet: Apparently Celestia can banish surly unicorns to the moon, but not members of invading armies or their weaponry.

MrSing: It only works if you swear.

Crazy56U: Well, that just makes no goddamn- aw, fuck, that was so stupid, Speed Racer’s freaking out now:





"RETREAT TO THE PORTAL!" shouted a lieutenant unicorn,



SC276: OK, you have unicorns, why not use Magic Missile?!

MrSing: They only prepared charm spells. Intel fucked up on the mission briefing.

Crazy56U: “RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAY!”



the only remaining officer in the once 40,000 strong army that was now only 376 ponies.



Scarlet: I… got nothing. This is a “humor” fic about the fact that thousands were slaughtered. Pen Stroke, I am so fucking sorry. I didn’t know… I… I didn’t know.

Sigma: So this is why cancer exists.

MrSing: It’s all fun and games until a massacre happens. Then it’s hilarious.

Crazy56U: And this is what Celestia gets for not researching shit before waging a war. ...and what the author gets for not researching shit before writing shit.



There were only earth ponies and unicorns left, as all the pegasi had been killed trying to stop the A-10s that were continuously strafing them.



SC276: We already know all the pegasi are dead, stop repeating yourself!

Scarlet: The funeral will be held after massive pogroms against the US are conducted by a vengeful Discord.

Crazy56U: ...I-I think I missed something, was it mentioned before that that’s what those were?



They barely made it a sixteenth of the way before all of them were killed. Celestia, sitting safe and sound in her throne room, sensed this and entered the mindscape



MrSing: The number one new MMORPG in all of Equestria.

Crazy56U: Which is code for “she took a hit off of her bong”.



to see the possibilities of her victory in the Multiverse.



SC276: Yeah, sure, why not. This is a fic where unicorns forgot they could magic.

Scarlet: And Pegasi forgot how to manipulate the weather, and ponies didn’t exhibit a single ancient tactic of war, and Celestia decided to commit xenocide for no good reason other than “fuck humans”, and yeah whatever.

Crazy56U: And then Celestia imagined “The Conversion Bureau”. She promptly smashed her bong in fear.



After an hour of searching, she discovered for every 1 where she got to the outskirts of a city, there were another million where her forces were slaughtered and even that was generous, as all the universes where she got to a city she didn't visit the UN meeting and announce her plan. It appeared that she would never wipe the multiverse clean of humanity.



Scarlet: Wait wait wait what? Not just this universe, but every universe? Bullshit! What about the universe where humans were conquered by apes? What a- do you even know what a multiverse is I just how do you even nerd?

Topher: There’s even a universe where a bunch of guys sit in an unknown location and say silly things about silly stories, and occasionally do silly things. That’s how silly you can go with a multiverse.

MrSing: I don’t want to visit that universe, it sounds stupid.

Crazy56U: What about the universe where man evolved from corn?!



However, she realized that maybe, just maybe, humanity was a necessary evil.



SC276: Where else can Nuzlocke comic makers get fresh tears?

MrSing: We do make some good hamburgers.

Crazy56U: And Netflix was a beneficial thing we made…

Bucephalus: Hear that guys? She’s excusing our existence. We are now vindicated.

Topher: Yaaay.



They had advanced more than her ponies ever would, reached the moon without magic



MrSing: We didn’t even have to swear to get there. We still did though, but we didn’t have to.

Crazy56U: Well, depending on who you ask, while it wasn’t magic per say, apparently Buzz Aldrin made a deal with a demon so he could into space.

Bucephalus: One small step for- damn. Forgot my lunch.



and were discovering the inner workings of the universe. Maybe she could find a universe where she didn't try to invade and be friendly with them.



Crazy56U: (scoff) As if that’s possible.



'Yes that's it.' she said to herself 'I wouldn't be a very good leader if I didn't do what is best for my little ponies. I must try again.'



SC276: And again. And again. And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again-

Crazy56U: Celestia, you dirty ratt.



Then she realized that something had crossed into her universe.



MrSing: My god. Two crossovers in one fic. No one deserves that.

Crazy56U: It was shrimp. A lot of shrimp.



She knew it couldn't be any survivors, so she looked out the large window and saw a large tube flying towards the castle.



MrSing: A military grade hotdog.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a ketchup bottle)



'Great,' she thought to herself, 'I decided to change my ways and they decided to nuke me.



SC276: By this fic’s own logic, how does she know what a nuke is?

Crazy56U: She sobered up just long enough to realize what the fuck is happening, that’s why.

Bucephalus: Whatever happened to that whole unbelievably powerful levitation that we’ve seen both her and several other unicorns display?

Topher: You’d think that with power that can move THE SUN, it would be easy to stop a missile.



Sometimes the Multiverse isn't fair.' She, as well as Canterlot, was vaporized by a nuclear explosion.



Crazy56U: And thus, we finally get a nuke.



THE END

Or is it?



Sigma: It better be.

MrSing: This Fallout: Equestria prequel sucks!

Crazy56U: Nope, it is, everything’s nuked, night night!



Probably is but it's the multiverse.



Scarlet: Given infinite time and infinite fragments, at least one exists where a miracle takes place. And this story isn’t terrible.

Crazy56U: Because it never got made.

SC276: Well at least we’re done for the week-

RingmasterJ5: Next are two fics actually submitted by their authors. First up, is “An Elegant Friendship” by Cora Zone Unicorn.

SC276: ...oh, right.

MrSing: I wonder if there is a multiverse where good fanfiction exists.

Bucephalus: Sure there is. But we’re in fanfic purgatory and can never go there.

Crazy56U: Already, I don’t have I hopes...



It was a beautiful, sunny day. The birds were chirping, children were playing, and you could practically hear some peaceful music playing.



Scarlet: and the pants were growing and the sun was almost down from the top of sky.

SC276: “It was a beautiful, sunny day” is the “It was a dark and stormy night” of pony fiction.

MrSing: Hell, complaining about the “It was a beautiful, sunny day” has become the “It was a beautiful, sunny day” of riffing.

Bucephalus: What a day. What a lovely day.

Crazy56U: You made me do this, Narrator.

Topher: “All except Rainbow Dash, who-” Wait, wrong fanfic. Same generic opening, though.



All and all, it was just the best day for a nice and peaceful picnic with a group of friends.



Sigma: But it is not this day.

MrSing: Where can I buy these “friend” things that everyone keeps talking about?

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, two bears watched from a distance, ready to strike. One wore a hat and a tie, the other a bow tie.



“Ugh! Where is Fluttershy?!”



Scarlet: Judging by our last riff, trying to recover from the trauma of being shipped with Rhymey.

Crazy56U: Probably locking Angel in the “Time Out Closet” so she can go outside and do things.



Well… almost peaceful…



SC276: Ha ha, low-key meta humor.

MrSing: Well... almost humor…

Crazy56U: Narrator, cut your shit.



Rainbow Dash facehoofed, while the others groaned in annoyance.



Sigma: “Why do we have to be in a bad fanfic when she gets out of it?”

Crazy56U: Everyone is getting sick of Rainbow’s shit? (opens a can of Diet Coke) ...is this the prequel to “A Friendship Broken By Loyalty”? (begins drinking)



“She’ll be here soon, Discord,”



Crazy56U: (chokes on Diet Coke)

Topher: OH GOD NO.



the pegasus reassured him, probably more annoyed with the draconequus’s whining than the others.



Scarlet: Am I reading a fanon version of “Make New Friends But Keep Discord” written before the actual episode?

Crazy56U: Either that, or the author is a prophet that got some details wrong.



“But we’ve been waiting for ages,” Discord complained.



SC276: And already we’re going to hell.

Crazy56U: Already?



“We’ve only been waiting for five minutes,” Applejack corrected him, her unamused expression matching the tone in her voice.



Scarlet: *produces a button reading ‘laugh track’ and presses it*

Crazy56U: I post this without comment.



Not liking the tone that came out of the southern belle’s mouth, he snapped the fingers on his lion paw.



MrSing: “Oh god! The pain! Why did I do that!?”

Crazy56U: “And then Applejack turned into a box of Corn Pops.”



In a flash, the hat upon her head transformed from a Stetson, to a giant half orange peel carcass that overtook her entire head and soaking her in orange juice.



SC276: … *shrugs* Eh.

Scarlet: Should’ve turned it into a watermelon, or possibly a pickled beet. Both equally family-friendly, but somehow funnier.

Sigma: Or, just made her hat vanish completely and send her into a blood rage, as my headcanon states that her hat is her true brain. Don’t try to use facts against me, I’m behind seven proxies and multiple FiMFiction alts.

Crazy56U: ...or you could’ve turned her into Corn Pops…

Topher: I’m with Crazy on this one. Corn Pops are awesome.



Pinkie Pie broke out into a fit of laughter,



MrSing: It was about something completely unrelated though.

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, the LSD kicked in.



whilst Rarity simply scooted away from Applejack as far as she could to keep herself from being touched from the stickiness of the fruit juice. Twilight glared at draconequus.



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Discord! How could you? You know that gag’s beyond stale in fanon by now!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Great! Now we have to give Applejack another bath!”



“Discord! What was that for?”



Sigma: “I mean, besides being a redneck!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “We could’ve eaten that orange! The fuck?!”



“She was being rude to me,” he explained, crossing his arms together.



SC276: Believe me, I wish I could turn the headgear of the people that annoy me into orange peels.

Scarlet: I can’t do that, but I can do nasty things using this orange peeler!

Crazy56U: ...then why an orange? If Applejack really offended you so much that you’d drop shit on her head, you could’ve used something worse an orange:



Topher: WHAT THE DEVIL DICKENS DIDDLY DOODAH FUCK AM I WITNESSING?!



“Get this darn thing off of me,” Applejack demanded, having a hard time getting the giant peel off of her head due to how slippery and sticky her hooves were.



Scarlet: All the people who subscribed to the “AJ’s hat is a memento” fanon are crying harder than they did during that last Manehattan episode.

MrSing: That hat was made from her father’s skin? That’s pretty brutal.

Crazy56U: ... (coughratedRcough)



“No,” he protested, his face turning into a pout. He then opened one eye, looking in the country mare’s direction. “Not until you apologize for your rudeness towards me.”



Scarlet: Discord- secretly the average five year old.

MrSing: I hate it when five year olds turn my things into fruit.

Crazy56U: Yeah, you expect that shit from three year olds.



The country pony sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Discord gave a little smirk before snapping his lion paw once again. A bright flash of light appeared, immediately getting rid of the giant fruit peel.



Scarlet: It was replaced by a moray eel named Lenny.

Crazy56U: (groan) Goddamnit, I fucking hate that guy...



With a sigh of relief, Applejack wiped her forehead, only to find out very quickly that she was still soaked in orange juice. “Hey,” shouted the mare, “I’m still covered in juice.”



Crazy56U: W-we know.



“You just told me to get the peel off of your head,” he pointed out. “You didn’t asked to be cleaned up as well.”



SC276: This is kinda OK, but also somewhat predictable.

Scarlet: It’s like a thin haze of competency concealing… nothing. It’s filling space.

Crazy56U: I have a feeling that the original story barely fit on a notecard, and so the author padded the fuck out of it to get up to 1k words.



The orange pony groaned whilst the draconequus stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry.



SC276: Fruit, everywhere.

Scarlet: Was the author writing this before lunch or something?

Sigma: Plot twist, the author’s lunch wrote this.

Crazy56U: Either that, or the author is drunk on fruit punch...



The rest of the ponies glared at him; all except for Pinkie Pie, who was still laughing uncontrollably.



MrSing: Pinkie “no empathy” Pie.

Crazy56U: Pinkie must of doubled down on the LSD, t-that can’t be healthy.



Discord smiled wickedly in victory until a familiar voice spoke from behind him.



Scarlet: “Seven Days.”

Sigma: “KONO DIO DA!”

MrSing: “Driver’s license and registration, please.”

Crazy56U: “GET ON WITH IT!”



“Um… did we miss anything?”



Crazy56U: Surprisingly not really, Voice.



His face automatically froze.



Crazy56U: FUCK, now we gotta reboot him...



He knew that voice anywhere. It was the voice that always seemed to calm him down whenever he was in a fit of rage. A voice that belonged to the one pony that he could tell anything to.



SC276: How long is this fic again? I’m pretty sure we don’t have time for purple prose.

Scarlet: A bunch of Celesticord shippers are about to be very disappointed.

Sigma: “It was John Freeman.”

Crazy56U: It was his meth dealer.



He turned around to see just the pony he was waiting for.



Scarlet: “Tree Hugger!”

Sigma: I still think of a hippie Xenomorph hatchling when I hear that name.

Crazy56U: But, instead, it was one of the bears.



“Fluttershy,” he said, with huge grin on his face.



Scarlet: I was close!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a “You Tried” sticker) Here, you earned it.

Topher: Way to go Scarlet! Soon you’ll have as many of those as me! *pulls out a binder about eight inch thick*



The little ends of the white tuft on his tail snapped, making Applejack clean as a whistle.



Crazy56U: ...because, why the fuck not, really...



He then picked up the little yellow pegasus. “Oh, it’s about time you got here,” he exclaimed, pulling her into a hug. “I was getting awfully irritated.”



Scarlet: He has an itch only Fluttershy can scratch and oh god I’ve edited too many clopfics.

Crazy56U: (pats Scarlet on the back) There, there...

Sigma: DARF FLASHBACKS INCOMING.



“That’s a bit of an understatement, darling,” Rarity said.



SC276: No, “awfully irritated” is not getting a costume ready for Halloween in time. What Discord has done in this fic is “mild annoyance.”

Crazy56U: Cue the Seinfeld theme.



He rolled his eyes, ignoring Rarity’s comment. It was then that a certain thought struck him. He released the mare from his embrace, facing her directly. “Wait a minute, did you say ‘we?’”



Scarlet: Motherfucker, this is-

MrSing: Fluttershy is royalty?

Crazy56U: Fluttershy has a split personality.



Fluttershy nodded her head, her wings flapping in the air. “I invited a good friend of mine to join us.”



SC276: Was this before “Make New Friends but Keep Discord?” I’m guessing it was.

Scarlet: Hey, I was about to make that riff! We’re low on material here!

SC276: I don’t think we replenished enough from last week…

Sigma: Just drink some prune juice, it produces the same effect.

Bucephalus: Interestingly enough, this was published several months after Make New Friends but Keep Discord. Spin the wheel and pick your reason.

Crazy56U: That isn’t proving me wrong, Fluttershy...



Discord’s right eye twitched a bit. She invited a friend, he asked himself. Another one? It’s bad enough I have to sit through a picnic with all the others, but a new one?



Crazy56U: Is the Narrator still telling us Discord’s thoughts, or are they venting now?



He looked downward to see that there was indeed another pony along with Fluttershy.



Scarlet: Apparently Discord has very selective blindness.

MrSing: The pony was actually three inches tall.

Crazy56U: It’s okay, Discord. Just dump them in that sock puppet dimension...



She was an earth pony with a grey fur coat and perfectly well-groomed raven mane that seemed to shine in Celestia’s sunlight. The most notable thing about her, however, was that she wore a pink bowtie around her neck.



Scarlet: Alright, place your bets: snobby Octavia, classy Octavia with minimal stuffiness, or- my personal favorite- Octavia OCD?

SC276: It honestly took me awhile to remember there’s a canon pony with that design.

Bucephalus: Classy. Nobody would try and hook up Fluttershy with the other two. Right?

Crazy56U: I’m personally fond of Russian Octavia. It’s one of the few things about

“Discorded Whooves” I actually liked...



Oh, I do hope she not one of those snooty ponies from Canterlot, Discord thought to himself.



SC276: ha ha ha ha ha ha

Sigma: you have no chance to survive make your time

Crazy56U: ...so, in other words, you hope she isn’t from Canterlot?



Setting herself down next to the young mare, Fluttershy spoke.



Scarlet: Is anyone else thinking that the story of how Fluttershy met Octavia and befriended someone outside the Mane 6 circle would be more interesting than this story?

SC276: Yes, though to be fair, most fics would be more interesting this story.

Crazy56U: Here’s an example of one.



"Everypony, this is my friend Octavia.



Scarlet: “Hi, Octavia!”

Sigma: “My name is Octavia, and I’m an alcoholic…”

Crazy56U: “Uh, this isn’t an AA meeting… That’s Friday…”

Topher: Is it, or is it that you guys can’t admit you have a problem?



Octavia, these are my friends Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack,” she said, gesturing to each one of them and giving them brief moments wave “hello” to the mare. “And this is Discord,” she said, with a wide grin on her face.



Scarlet: It must be really awkward introducing your friends to the chaos elemental you know. “This is Jeff, Sally, Lashawnda- oh and that’s Manixl, the tenth-dimensional squamata-human hybrid we met at the Smoothie King last week!”

SC276: They said Seattle’s best. Also, you’d think Octavia would know, given she would’ve been in the area when Discord hit Ponyville at the start of season 2.

Crazy56U: She probably repressed that incident. And she should, because fuck “Return of Harmony”...



She thought she would save the best for last, in her opinion.



Crazy56U: I don’t know who this is more of a burn on...



Octavia gave them all a slight nod, smiling. “It is very nice to meet each and every one of you,” she said, a sultry British accent escaping her lips.



Scarlet: Well now I know what accent you find sexy, author.

Sigma: Do ponies have British?

MrSing: “Ey govenuh. Care for a spot o’ tea? Me mum made it ‘erself with leafs off the ground, she did.”

Crazy56U: Damn it, I wanted Russian...



“Fluttershy has told me so much about you.” She lifted her head to look Discord in the eyes. “Especially you, Discord.”



SC276: [Octavia] “Granted, most of them were dismissing rumors…”

MrSing: “I heard a rumor that you’re a dumbass. Is that true?”

Crazy56U: [Octavia] “She says that after you guys met for the first time, you got stoned? What’s that about?”



A slight shade of red appeared across Fluttershy’s face, which he saw and had a huge grin spread across his face.



Scarlet: The Celesticord fans may be preparing to invade our riffspace. I have taken the liberty of bolting the… do we have doors?

SC276: Well we used to have windows…

Sigma: Hah. What can they do from the internet?

Crazy56U: Bad things. Duh.

Bucephalus: They may take our lives, but they’ll never take… our riffing abilities!



“Oh, you have, have you,” he teased her, his body encircling the pegasus like a serpent.



Scarlet: Oh no we are not transitioning into vore, I’VE SEEN DEVIANTART I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS!

Sigma: It’s happening, Scarlet, accept it.

MrSing: Don’t think of it as vore, think of it as hugging someone from the inside.

Crazy56U: (quietly prepares a barf bag)



She felt her face become hot as fifty



Sigma: -Shades of Grey?

Crazy56U: (punches Sigma)



glasses of steaming apple cider.



Crazy56U: That’s… an obscene amount of cider...



“U-uh…” she stammered, her blushing becoming more apparent. “So, how about lunch,” she asked, rather quickly.

“Yes, please,” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, almost out of relief. “I’m starving!”



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Anything to finish this story quicker!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I’m literally 10 seconds away from eating Pinkie, and the amount of sugar in her system will probably kill me…”

Topher: I THOUGHT WE AGREED, NO VORE!



The group of friends sat on the red and white checkered blanket in the middle of the local park. There were daisy and dandelion sandwiches, chocolate chip muffins, apple juice, and some of Fluttershy’s famous tea cakes as set up on the fabric.



Scarlet: Brian Jacques wandered into the story for a brief moment, nodded his head in approval, and wandered out to return to his woodland-trifle filled afterlife.

MrSing: I think the author was more interested in snacks than romance. I also approve.

Crazy56U: Okay, Octavia’s British and Fluttershy made tea cakes; quick question, is the author British?

SC276: Check how he spells the word “color.”



Throughout the picnic they were some jokes told by Pinkie Pie, Twilight and Rainbow Dash getting into an intense debate about which of the Daring Do book were the best,



SC276: That literally couldn’t wait until you could avoid collateral fanrage?

Scarlet: Nope! All fanrage must be vicious and public! The internet commands it!

Crazy56U: Hey, as long as Twilight doesn’t pull a knife on Rainbow again, I’m sure things will work out...



and Discord talking about adventure he and Fluttershy had with the CMC a few months back.



SC276: That’s from the comics, isn’t it? I need to catch up on those sometime…

Crazy56U: I-I wouldn’t recommend doing that, just FYI...



“So, Octavia,” Rarity began, “how did you and Fluttershy meet?”



Sigma: “Through online dating.”

Crazy56U: [Octavia] “Chatroulette. She was a major improvement over the obscene amount of penis.”



“Yeah, I mean you’re one of the most elegant ponies in probably all of Equestria,” Pinkie Pie said, stuffing a chocolate chip muffin in her mouth.



Scarlet: Rarity said nothing, but locked her feelings away in the secret garden she constructed in her heart. In time she would release that dark emotion. But not now.

Crazy56U: Rarity was already planning on how to get away with turning Pinkie into a pair of slippers.



“Well, let’s face it guys, Fluttershy is pretty elegant herself,” Rainbow Dash pointed out. Everypony murmured in agreement, causing a light shade of pink to form on the pegasus’s cheeks.



SC276: Fluttershy’s a real blusher in this one, isn’t she…

Crazy56U: Well, it’s either blushing or running away in fear...



Octavia chuckled. “Well, Fluttershy and I actually met in a music class, I believe back when I first moved to Ponyville. Isn’t that right?”



Scarlet: ...huh. Well, she does have the whole singing voice thing… but… wait, Fluttershy signing up for a class that requires constant social interaction? I don’t even suffer from severe anxiety and I avoid people like the plague when I’m not working!

Bucephalus: This makes no sense. If anyone needs me, I’m going to be looking for continuity in the trash can.

Crazy56U: How do you know she took a music class for singing? She probably took it so she could learn how to play the accordion, or something...



Fluttershy nodded her head, confirming the explanation. “That’s right.”

“Music class? You took a music class, Fluttershy,” Applejack asked, surprised to find out this new information.



Scarlet: Hey, that’s what I said!

Crazy56U: That was literally brought up two sentences ago, Applejack, we know.



“Yes, I did, Applejack.”

“But I thought you hated performing in public,” Rainbow Dash asked, slightly confused.

“I’m slowly getting over it…” she mumbled softly.



SC276: Also, not all music requires performing in public necessarily. I mean, c’mon, I’m not going to drag our electric keyboard out into the street to play for people. ...OK, I don’t actually know how to play the keyboard, but the point still stands!

Scarlet: Shit, I was going to ask if we could form a garage band and do nothing but Rainbooms covers.

Sigma: I can play drums… But unless it’s metal, rock, or maybe the first Stardust Crusaders opening, I can’t help you.

MrSing: I’m a beast at playing the triangle.

Crazy56U: ...does clapping count as playing a musical instrument? Because I can do that…

Topher: Does your rock band require a tuba?



“Well, she and I were the only ones taking the class at the time,”



MrSing: It wasn’t so much a class as it was the two of them having lunch in the same classroom.

Crazy56U: Come on, now. A music class of only two students isn’t really a class. At best, it’s a really sad get-together with a soundtrack.



Octavia said, clarifying all the confusion as best as she can.



SC276: Well, at least it’s not a college class?

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, Octavia unintentionally caused more confusion.



“I was practicing on the cello, and she was actually taking lessons on the violin. Though, I never really understood why considering she’s a complete natural,” the British mare complemented.



Scarlet: Violin lessons? Wait, isn’t Fluttershy canonically a natural singer? Wouldn’t it make mo- god I’m nitpicking so hard! Harder than usual!

MrSing: She’s a natural at it, you know, having no fingers and all.

Crazy56U: Fuck you, Author, I say Fluttershy would prefer the accordion.



“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” Discord said, bringing his lion paw and eagle claw in mid-air gesturing for them to stop.



SC276: ...I feel the need to say something here, but I can’t think of what.

MrSing: I haven’t heard this much “whoa”s since my last Keanu Reeves movie.

Crazy56U: Funny, it reminds me of Shia Labeouf.

Bucephalus: Hey, Discord agrees with us.



“Violin? There’s no way she plays the violin. Frankly, Fluttershy you’ve never even told me you could play.”

“Yeah, Fluttershy, why haven’t you told us,” Twilight asked, curious to hear the rest.

“Oh, well… I-I didn’t think you would want to hear me play a silly little instrument.



SC276: It’s a violin. That’s, like, the definitive high-brow instrument.

Scarlet: From now on, future references to the violin will be accompanied by me citing instructions from “The Faerie’s Aire and Death Waltz.”

Sigma: Even Fluttershy wouldn’t call the goddamn violin a silly little instrument.

Crazy56U: Twilight is a music snob, apparently… ...like, a very odd music snob...



Besides, I’m not that great.”

Octavia scoffed at Fluttershy’s comment. “Don’t be so modest, Fluttershy. I’m sure they would love to hear you play.”



Scarlet: “Through the frog.”

MrSing: “PLAY FREEBIRD!”

Crazy56U: “Through the Fire and the Flames!!!”



“Yes, darling, we’d absolutely love for you to play for us,” Rarity said, encouragingly.

“Can you play for us right now,” Pinkie Pie asked, getting really excited.

“O-oh, well, Octavia and I haven’t brought our instruments,” the pegasus said regretfully.



Scarlet: “Release the penguins.”

Crazy56U: THE END.



“Allow me to help you with that, my dear,” Discord said, bowing in a sort of elegant manner.



Crazy56U: Aw fuck...



A bright flash of light suddenly appeared out of nowhere once the draconequus snapped a couple of his fingers that were on his eagle claw.



SC276: Talon. It’s called a talon, author.

MrSing: But claw sounds so much more rad.

Crazy56U: Please say that flash means the end of the world as we know it? I’d feel fine about that.



In a millisecond, a cello and bow appeared appeared in Octavia’s hooves, whilst a violin and another bow appeared in Fluttershy’s.



SC276: Then a family of acorn-headed squirrels scurried out of them and disappeared into the brush.

Scarlet: “Above the frog”

MrSing: The shockwave of the air being pushed away knocked them out cold.

Crazy56U: (loud groan)



Shocked, the shy pony lifted her head, looking her chaotic friend in the eyes. “Really, Discord?”

“Hey, if she says that you’re a natural, I want to be able to witness it myself.”

A bright smile appeared across her fair and gentle face. She then quickly gave him a hug before flying over to the earth pony’s side.



SC276: Does this fic have a point yet? I’m suffering Danganronpa withdrawal because I haven’t experienced anything in like fifteen minutes and I can’t tell.

Scarlet: Allow me to make up for that withdrawal by kicking you in the liver while simultaneously patting you gently on the head while you solve a logic puzzle.

Bucephalus: All that will achieve is you ending up kicking him in the liver and in the head. Don’t you know that whole rule of ‘can’t pat your head and rub your tummy?’

Crazy56U: I think the closest thing to a point this story has is that orange from the

start.



The rest of the girls and Discord made themselves comfortable on the picnic blanket while the two of them were setting themselves up.



MrSing: I always have to assemble myself too before singing.

Crazy56U: Isn’t it a bitch when you spontaneously fall apart into pieces?



Octavia stood up on her hind legs, placing her bow on the strings of the cello. She glanced over at Fluttershy, who had properly placed her chin on the chinrest. “Ready?”



Scarlet: Jam Buddies time!

MrSing: Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.

Crazy56U: Here, got it cued up.



The pegasus hesitated for a moment, suddenly becoming nervous. Sure, she would just be performing in front of her friends again, and Discord for the very first time, but what if she forgot the notes to something? What if she just froze entirely? What if her friends didn’t like the way she played?



SC276: Together now: What if my beard were made of green spinach?

Scarlet: Then my mobile fortress would proudly wear it and become the defender of all things delicious and green!

Crazy56U: When in doubt, Fluttershy, just pull a Pete Townshend and smash the violin at the end.



She looked over to all of her friends who were looking directly at the two of them. They all gave her encouraging smiles and gestures for her to go on ahead and play something.



MrSing: A few of them were drawing their hoofs across their necks.

Crazy56U: Pinkie was not so subtly mouthing the words “You’re gonna blow it.”



It wasn’t until she looked over to the draconequus on the far right. No words came out of his mouth but a gentle smile and a wink from the eye.



SC276: This Discord is not nearly Discord enough.

Scarlet: John DeLancie was unavailable as a consultant.

Crazy56U: Instead, they got the guy who played Q’s son in “Q2”.



A scarlet color



SC276: Oh hey Scarlet look, it’s you!

Scarlet: Huh. What am I doing here?

MrSing: Not the real Scarlet, but an incredible simulation.

Crazy56U: Dude, I think Scarlet should sue for copyright infringement, they’re using her image without consent...



took over her face as she smiled.



Scarlet: OH GOD I TOOK OVER FLUTTERSHY’S FACE I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW.

Crazy56U: ...then stop doing that.



Feeling a slight boost of confidence, she nodded her head to the grey mare, implying that she was ready.



Scarlet: Back! Back, Celesticord shippers! I am in no way connected to this! It wasn’t me!

Crazy56U: Scarlet’s lying! ATTACK!



Octavia began to move her bow across the strings of her instrument. A low, haunting melody taking over the park as she continued to play.



MrSing: Spooky.

Crazy56U: Anyway, here’s more Wonderwall.



The haunting melody soon took a different turn once Fluttershy began to move her bow across the strings of her violin.



SC276: I forgot, is she using her wing, or…?

Scarlet: I choose to believe that this jam session abruptly turns into “Come On Eileen”.

Crazy56U: My hope is for “Jordan”.



Just from the first couple of the notes that she had played on her instrument, each and every one of her friends were stunned at how indeed of a natural she was. The two string instruments combined had made a sort of an elegant tone. A very elegant, beautiful piece of composition that they had ever heard.



SC276: I don’t think that sentence is as complete as you think it is, author.

MrSing: Had more grammar problem than riffer often read.

Crazy56U: This is reading like the prose of a bad novelization...



Discord had to be the most impressed out of everypony.



Scarlet: Literally, he had to be. It was in his contract.

MrSing: And he wasn’t even a pony.

Crazy56U: ...technically, he’s part pony...



He knew that Fluttershy had many talents: communicating with animals, knitting, and he couldn’t forget about her lovely singing voice.



Scarlet: Or bear massage! Let’s not forget bear massage!

Crazy56U: And her being part-vampire pony; I highly doubt Twilight actually fixed that...



But now witnessing the one pony that he absolutely adored play possibly one of the most beautiful instruments he had ever heard was just breathtaking.



SC276: Hasn’t he turned someone else’s hat into an orange yet?

Scarlet: Yep. *tosses an orange peel on the ground* Fourth-wall breaking son of a bitch.

MrSing: Discord has turned into a boring drooling shell of his former self. Love claims yet another victim.

Bucephalus: Are you sure love is to blame here?

Crazy56U: (picks up orange peel) ...Crazy’s eating like a king, tonight...



Listening to both her and the British mare play music together was so soothing that he felt as if he could escape from whatever was troubling him in an instant.



Scarlet: As Saul is to David, so Discord is to Fluttershy? Does this mean we get a sequel where he goes mad, believes she’s about to usurp his kingdom, and chases her into a cave?

MrSing: Pardon?

Scarlet: ...Look, I spent a lot of time reading the book of Second Samuel while I was a kid.

Crazy56U: ...I don’t know what you guys are talking about, so I’m just gonna nod and smile as if I do know. (nods and smiles)



The more he listened closely to the two ponies play, the more he thought that this sort of music fit them both. It was calming, beautiful and it was…. what was the word he was looking for?

Ah, yes. Elegant. Quite elegant, indeed.



SC276: Also boring. At least the last one was stupid, this is just… there.

Crazy56U: It’s essentially the rough draft of “Make New Friends But Keep Discord” had Natasha Levinger not been paid enough to bother.



Author's Note:

Yay!!!



MrSing: Calm down!!!

Crazy56U: STOP YELLING, AUTHOR, JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!!



New one-shot!!! I hope you guys enjoyed this. I honestly had NO idea how this came about. I was just thinking and then a random thought popped into my head. The thought being: "I wonder if Fluttershy could play the violin."



Scarlet: Here, let me help you deal with that thought. *holds up an ice-cream scoop*

Crazy56U: (pulls out a brick) This is more direct, use it instead.

Topher: *pulls an inordinate number of weapons from his pockets* Allow me, Gents.



See, I don't know!!! It just popped into my head for some reason. And to be honest, I think the violin would actually suit Best Pony very well,



Scarlet: I dunno, I always saw Twilight as more of a guitar- oh wait.

Bucephalus: Oh. Pinkie was really OOC for this fic.

Crazy56U: Again, accordion, fuck you.



and I can also see her becoming friends with Octavia as well, after all, they're both pretty elegant.



SC276: And yet Octavia’s roommate is actually somehow Vinyl Scratch. Now that would be fun to see.

MrSing: Her raves are very classy.

Crazy56U: And they’re both... ponies... ... (shrug)



Anyway, please like, favorite, and LEAVE A REVIEW!!!!!



RingmasterJ5: Next up is probably the longest fic here at 5K words compared to the other fics’ 1K, “For the Study of Parasprites” by Zoltanthemagnificent.

Scarlet: Immediate points for username!

SC276: Hoo boy, longer one...

Crazy56U: Oh, goody. Parasprites. (quietly pulls out can of bug spray)



There once was a pony who was struggling in a harsh and unforgiving world.



Scarlet: [Pony] “Nobody will ever understand my obsession with Japanese animes!”

MrSing: His mom didn’t understand that he was too busy to clean his room.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, cue the Linkin Park.



This pony had an unusual hobby: while other ponies collected medals and and photographs of unique places they’ve visited, this pony collected parasprites.



Scarlet: To be fair, he’s now less weird than I just imagined.

Crazy56U: Funny, to me, he’s even weirder.



Everytime he would trip on a parasprite, he would pick it up, bring it to his house, place it in a bottle, and put it on a shelf.



Scarlet: Um… wait what? Aren’t they super uncommon and terrifying in swarms?

SC276: Who is this, Link?

MrSing: That habit is pretty jarring.

Crazy56U: ...does he at least poke holes in the lids so they can breathe, or does he let them die and keep the corpses. I wanna know what level of “creepy” this guy is at...



Over the course of his life, he had collected a lot of them and the room he was storing them in was getting crowded. The pony felt smaller and smaller as his collection grew bigger and bigger.



Scarlet: Eventually he negated his own existence.

MrSing: Next time on “Hoarders”.

Crazy56U: Calling this now: “Go Eat Worms: Parasprite Edition”.



It wasn’t unheard of, to collect parasprites.



SC276: I’m pretty sure it’s distinctly less common than just “unheard of,” author.

Crazy56U: ...no, no I’m pretty sure it is unheard of, given the last time the parasprites were in the show, they almost ate an entire town.



But usually ponies threw them out after the insects started to gather dust.



Scarlet: bwah?

MrSing: I suddenly have multiple questions that all need answering.

Bucephalus: So they toss out the insects when the insects start their own collections?

Crazy56U: So, he is keeping corpses. AHAH!



Ponies would regain continue on with their lives and forget that they ever owned a parasprite, until they encountered one again.



Scarlet: The equivalent of a Furby, really.

Crazy56U: Harsh, much? Parasprites aren’t nearly as demonic...



This pony wanted to know everything there was to know about parasprites, so he would study them when he stepped outside his house.



SC276: This is sounding like a very poorly thought-out folktale.

MrSing: “My, grandma, what dusty parasprites you have.”

Crazy56U: “This parasprite is too big! This parasprite is too small! This one is just right.”

Bucephalus: Parasprite, oh Parasprite, come eat my hair.



There were different varieties and some of them could blend in their environment almost perfectly until somepony would trip on them.



SC276: They’re parasprites, author, not Geodudes.

Crazy56U: I highly doubt the flying multicolored balls of annoyance are capable of camouflage.



He, however, didn’t want to be affected by parasprites’ silly tricks.



MrSing: “Haha! You crushed my head, you idiot.”

Crazy56U: “So, he would always bring a can of bug spray to teach them a lesson.”



Knowing parasprites in and out would grant him the power of walking on the world without tripping or stepping on one’s cute little head.



Scarlet: The ultimate power- the ability to move around without looking like a total dork!

Crazy56U: ...so, you’ve mastered the ability of looking down?



His collection was a very special one. It consisted of several unique parasprites showcased on the shelves in his room. After he puts a critter on a shelf, he would not catch another of it’s kind.



SC276: Like me when I play Pokémon.

Scarlet: He’s going for 100% Paradex completion? You fool! It’s impossible without Wonder Trade in this generation!

Crazy56U: When is he going to stumble across a glitch Parasprite? That might salvage this...



As long as they were unique, they intrigued him. In hopes of studying them further, he collected as many different kinds of them as he could find.



Scarlet: ~These parasprites to understand, the power that’s insiiiiide!~

Crazy56U: “Unfortunately, Home Depot banned him for ‘excessive jar purchasing’, so it had gotten a tad more difficult.”



His room wasn’t big enough to accommodate several copies of his collection, unfortunately.



Crazy56U: Wait, several copies of your collection? ...dude, you only need one

collection, the fuck is wrong with you?!

RJ: Resale value man, resale value.



The amount of parasprites he had collected became pretty unnerving to the pony,



SC276: Just him?

Scarlet: To be fair, it’s probably more normal than the collection I keep pulli