The Vinyl Scratch Tapes
First Transcript: The Celestia Interview
[In the year 1001 of the Celestian calendar, Equestrian scientists developed advanced magic making it possible to broadcast music over long distances. This innovation was called “radio,” and quickly became a sensation throughout Equestria.
For a period of time, only one frequency playing classical music was available. This changed when a popular young disk jockey with the stage name DJ-P0n3 (born Vinyl Scratch) formally proposed the creation of an independent radio station called K-COLT. It was approved, with DJ-P0n3 as the host.
In addition to playing rock-and-roll and other popular music, DJ-P0n3 also hosted the first Equestrian talk show known as “The Vinyl Scratch.” These broadcasts were recorded for historical significance.
What follows is a transcript of the first morning broadcast of the Vinyl Scratch].
DJ-P0n3: Goooooood morning, Equestria! The sun is up and so are you! You’re listening to K-COLT and it’s time for THE VINYL SCRATCH.
[Record is scratched repeatedly].
DJ-P0n3: Yes that’s right, the best show on the airwaves by virtue of being the only show on the airwaves. But even if it wasn’t, no other station would have me, the turntable temptress herself, DJ-P0n3! Droppin’ all the hits and rockin’ all of Equestria!
[Indistinct mumble is heard away from mic].
DJ-P0n3: Oh, don’t be such a killjoy. We’re here to have fun! [Cough.] Forgive me, listeners. Apparently when I pitched the idea for this station, the Princess thought it necessary to assign me a co-host. Allow me to introduce my lovely assistant, Octavia.
Octavia: Pleased to meet you all.
Octavia: “Lovely” assistant?
DJ-P0n3: It’s a compliment. Something wrong with that?
Octavia: Well, no, it’s just a little ... odd.
DJ-P0n3: Okay, so you don’t want me to call you lovely. I can deal with that.
Octavia: Wait, I didn’t--
DJ-P0n3: My homely, train-wreck of an co-host will be here to give you all perspective on jazz and classical music, while I comment on music ponies actually listen to.
Octavia: Lots of ponies love classical music!
DJ-P0n3: Yes, usually the same ponies who play shuffleboard and no longer have any of their original teeth left.
[Octavia mumbles angrily].
Octavia: Philistine. Let’s just get on with the show.
DJ-P0n3: Alright then! Today we’ve got a very special treat for all you foals and fillies out there! We have an interview with the boss pony herself! That’s right, we have the one, the only Princess Celestia here in the studio! Not bad for our first show, eh?!
[Sounds of objects hitting the floor]
Octavia: W-will you sit back down? You’re going to break something!
DJ-P0n3: Psh! Yeah right. This is all my equipment. It’s just like me: durable, made to last, and flexible! Not like your -- hmmm -- what instrument did you play again?
Octavia: The cello but--
DJ-P0n3: Right! It’s not flimsy like your stupid cello.
Octavia: [Muttering.] It’s too late to quit, isn’t it?
DJ-P0n3: Yep. Anyway! It’s time to give the ponies what they want! Let’s bring Celestia on in here.
Octavia: Right after a word from our sponsors. Vinyl, why don’t you go ahead with the ad?
Octavia: Go ahead Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: We ... have sponsors?
Octavia: [Shouting.] Do you ever pay any attention to anything?! We had a meeting this morning about it!
DJ-P0n3: Oh. Right. That. [Silence.] Why don’t you do the honors this week, Octy?
Octavia: How can you possibly be my boss?! And don’t call me Octy!
[Octavia instantly switches to a sweet tone of voice, as if nothing had happened.]
Octavia: Today’s episode of the Vinyl Scratch is brought to Musky Mustang Hoof Polish, the only waterproof hoof polish on the market and 20% less expensive than the leading brand. Musky Mustang is a must-have!
DJ-P0n3: [Giggle.] Sell-out.
Octavia: What’d you say?
DJ-P0n3: We’ll be right back with that interview! Until then, here are some of the latest tunes.
[After approximately fifteen minutes of songs, the show abruptly resumes. For several minutes, DJ-P0n3 and Octavia seem unaware they are on the air.]
Octavia: [Whispering.] It’s just that you seemed to be egging me on.
DJ-P0n3: [Whispering.] Yeah but--
Octavia: Do you enjoy messing with me or something?
DJ-P0n3: Well, of course.
Octavia: What? Why? What’s wrong with you?
DJ-P0n3: Hey listen--
Octavia: I don’t believe yo--
DJ-P0n3: Listen. Listen to me. It’s what they want.
Octavia: What are you talking about?
DJ-P0n3: It’s what the audience wants. They want to be entertained.
Octavia: Making fun of me is supposed to be entertaining?
DJ-P0n3: Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I’m saying.
Octavia: Maybe the punk outfit you associate with would enjoy that, but civilized ponies like myself wouldn’t like such drivel. It is base and vulgar!
DJ-P0n3: Trust me, relax. Enjoy it. You just have to argue back.
Octavia: I can’t do that. I have a reputation to uphold.
DJ-P0n3: You were fighting with me fine a few minutes ago.
Octavia: That wasn’t fighting. That was called being the voice of reason. I imagine you’ve never heard that before.
DJ-P0n3: Whatever, just play along, okay? Now when we go back on, hit me with a really good one, see how it feels, and I’m sure you’ll start to like it. Know what I mean?
Octavia: ... you’re a sociopath. That’s all there is to it. I’m working for a crazy pony.
DJ-P0n3: You’re cute when you’re mad.
Octavia: And another thing! Stop with ... um ... does that red light mean we’re on?
DJ-P0n3: Wha? OH CRAP!
[Sounds of loud thumping against the mike, followed by the broadcast cutting out for half a minute.]
DJ-P0n3: And we’re back! Sorry about that, folks. We had some technical difficulties. Caused by, um, technical ... things. But we’re fine now! So we’re about to bring Princess Celestia into the studio now but first, I think Octavia had something to say.
Octavia: [Whispering.] Now?
DJ-P0n3: [Whisper] Yes, dummy.
Octavia: Um, yes. Well. Miss Vinyl, you are …
Octavia: A ... horrible individual to know. Yes! And you should, um, learn some manners and act like a productive member of society! You... rascal.
Octavia: [Whisper.] Did, did I do it wrong?
DJ-P0n3: [Barely keeping herself from laughing] No, no. Not at all. [Clears throat.] And now, listeners, we won’t keep you waiting a moment longer! It’s time to bring out Princess Celestia!
[Sound of rickety door opening and shutting.]
Octavia: Your Majesty! It is an honor for you to grace us with your prescience.
Celestia: No, the pleasure is all mine. I am enjoying the show so far.
DJ-P0n3: Oh reeeeeeaaally? Hm, Octavia, what was that you were just saying?
DJ-P0n3: Something about anypony who likes this being base and vulg-
Octavia: Princess! Thank you for joining us. Why not start telling the listeners about yourself?
Celestia: Hm. Well, my sister and I created Equestria. So there’s that. I’ve been princess ever since then. I like to think I do a pretty good job. I sincerely want to make every citizen in Equestria happy.
DJ-P0n3: Still single?
Octavia: Any hobbies?
Celestia: In my spare time, I enjoy teaching. I’ve actually been helping my sister a lot as of late.
Octavia: Aww, isn’t that nice?
DJ-P0n3: Ah. Since you brought it up, how is your sister doing?
Celestia: Great. She’s just been having some ... difficulties adjusting to modern life.
DJ-P0n3: And that would be because she was imprisoned on the moon?
DJ-P0n3: For a thousand years?
Celestia: That’s right.
DJ-P0n3: By you?
Celestia: [Pause.] Yes. I-it’s not something I was terribly proud of.
DJ-P0n3: I see. Well then, why don’t we talk about that a little, shall we?
Octavia: Um, Vinyl? What are you doing?
DJ-P0n3: Princess Celestia! Is it not true you and Luna were very close?
Celestia: Yes, and--
DJ-P0n3: From what I recall, Princess Luna simply wanted to be appreciate more? Isn’t it true that’s what started the troubles?
Octavia: Seriously, what are you doing?
[Princess Celestia starts to say something, but is cut off]
DJ-P0n3: Didn’t she want the night to be longer? Isn’t that all she’s guilty of? I’d say throwing her on the moon is a pretty steep punishment, wouldn’t you?
Octavia: I-- I just want to say I’m not with her. Can we just make that clear?
DJ-P0n3: Princess, do you really think that was the correct decision?
Celestia: That ... my sister was very proud of her nights. They were beautiful. On a clear one, you could see every star that ever was. She wanted everypony in Equestria to enjoy it. B- but she became jealous and refused to let me raise the sun. I tried to reason with her. I truly did. But she wouldn’t listen. Her jealousy and bitterness transformed her into Nightmare Moon. Everypony was so frightened, they didn’t know what was happening. I had to do something. I had no choice but to--
DJ-P0n3: But to space her.
Celestia: T-that’s a bit out of context.
DJ-P0n3: Fair enough. Please explain the context of hurling your little sister into the dark reaches of space.
Octavia: Please stop.
Celestia: I tried to avoid that. I attempted diplomacy first, but she would not listen. I … I had to do it.
DJ-P0n3: Okay, so you said you tried reasoning with her. That didn’t work. So your next logical plan was intergalactic exile?
DJ-P0n3: I mean, I’m sure there were other options. I don’t want to seem like a backseat deity, but I would probably, you know, try a few other things before jumping to “ENJOY SPACE, LITTLE SIS!”
Celestia: That’s not what happened at all! It tore my heart out to do that. I never wanted to do that to my dear sister!
Octavia: [Muttering.] This can’t be real. I’m dreaming. I’m dreaming and we’re not actually tearing apart the princess live, destroying my entire career. We’re not.
DJ-P0n3: Did you ever visit her on the moon?
Celestia: Well. [Pause.] No. No, I … suppose I didn’t.
DJ-P0n3: Not even once. For a thousand years? That doesn’t seem very kind to your “dear” sister?
Celestia: That … she’s fine now! We hold no ill will towards each other! She understands what I had to do.
DJ-P0n3: Fine? Oh I beg to differ. According to my sources, Princess Luna is afraid of microwaves and modern technology! That doesn’t seem so fine to me!
Octavia: I’d just like to announce I have no idea how this pony got into the studio. I am not affiliated with her in any way, she just started rambling and wouldn’t leave. Never seen her before in my life.
Celestia: She’s not afraid, she’s just ... curious.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, I think it’d be do. Anything would be curious after being on the moon for a millennia. We have microwaves, turn-tables, rollerblades, razors, restaurants, and rock-and-roll. The moon has, like, craters. And that’s it.
Octavia: I- I’m sure the moon isn’t that bad. There must be other things there.
DJ-P0n3: Okay, craters and dust. So yeah, two things. Must be a boring thousand years.
Celestia: Well I ... I didn’t …
Octavia: [Obvious forced laughter.] HAHAHAHA, Vinyl. You are such a kidder. Hahahaha, excuse us Princess...
Octavia: [Whispering to DJ-P0n3.] Are you trying to get us killed?!
DJ-P0n3: [Whisper.] Don’t worry. I’m going somewhere with this.
Octavia: Yes, you are going somewhere. Prison.
DJ-P0n3: [Raising her voice.] So Princess, I have one last question. You say Luna is fine now?
Celestia: Certainly! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!
DJ-P0n3: And she apologized for returning earlier this year and attempting to bring eternal night to Equestria?
Celestia: Of course she did!
DJ-P0n3: Well then, my question to you is this: if Princess Luna was classy enough to say sorry for the trouble she caused, did you ever apologize for sending her to the moon?
Celestia: ...no. No, I never did. [Pause.] W- would you excuse me? I … have something urgent to attend to.
[Rickety doors swing open, a flutter of wings is heard.]
DJ-P0n3: Told you.
Octavia: You can’t possibly have planned any of that. You couldn’t have known that’d happen.
Octavia: You know what? I was wrong. You’re not a sociopath. You’re just very, very stupid. And the depressing part is that I agreed to this of my own free will. [Thumps head on desk.] It’s contagious. I’m dumber just by being near you.
DJ-P0n3: All I know that this first show has been quite memorable.
Octavia: What if Celestia hadn’t been as nice as she was? Did you stop to think of that? What if she actually put you on the moon? What would you have done then?!
DJ-P0n3: Honestly? [Chuckle.] Then we’d be airing episode two in from space.
Octavia: How can you be this reckless?
DJ-P0n3: Because that’s what I’m here for, my lovely assistant!
Octavia: I told you not--
DJ-P0n3: [Yelling.] That is the spirit of radio! There’s no limits!
Octavia: Why are you standing up again?! Don’t get so--
DJ-P0n3: We’re here for truth, justice, and the power of rock and roll! It is our way! It is the only way! Even if we stop broadcasting, our signal will just travel across the universe forever! Stars fade away, comets burn out, black holes devour suns, but even out there in the black, ROCK will always live on! That means music will last longer than the heavens themselves! That is radio! That is K-COLT! And THAT. IS. THE VINYL SCRATCH!
Octavia: ...you’re insane.
DJ-P0n3: [Laugh.] Octy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Octavia: You’re seriously going to call me that all the time, aren’t you?
DJ-P0n3: Oh yeah. And that’s all the time we have for today! Tune in tomorrow!
Octavia: If we’re not cancelled …
DJ-P0n3: And until next time, remember: even if you’re spaced, the signal will always follow you!
[End of tape.]
[That was the end of the first historic broadcast of “the Vinyl Scratch,” but it was not the last. Despite Octavia’s fears, the show was not canceled and, in fact, became phenomenally popular.
Despite Vinyl Scratch’s dismissive attitude towards her own advertisements, it managed to attract more sponsors and never had any shortage of funding. To this day, Octavia is not clear if Vinyl Scratch had planned this or if it was simply a side effect of her own psychosis.
Princess Celestia chose not to end the show, even though it was within her full authority. She would later speak fondly of the interview, in spite of its inflammatory nature. She admitted that, after leaving the studio, she visited her sister and apologized. She would not go into further detail about the nature of their conversation, other than saying they spoke at great length.
It may also be of interest that the following night was the longest one in recorded history. It was crisp, clear, and showed off the wonders of the universe. Meteors showered across the sky and galaxies seemed to dance in the distance. Many ponies still speak fondly of that night, where the sun stood still just long enough for everypony to enjoy the beautiful starry sky.]
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes
Second Transcript: The Spitfire Interview
[What follows is a transcript of broadcast 1F15 of the Vinyl Scratch, approximately two weeks after the infamous first episode interview with Princess Celestia].
DJ-P0n3: You’re about to enter another dimension, not of sight and sound but of ROCK! You’re listening to K-COLT! Next stop, THE VINYL SCRATCH!
DJ-P0n3: You’re listening to the first talk show in Equestria. Accept no substitutes! I’m your host, the priestess of punk herself, DJ-P0n3!
Octavia: And I’m her co-host Octavia ... still shocked we haven’t been sued yet.
DJ-P0n3: Well, it’s still early in the day, so who knows?! Haha!
Octavia: You don’t feel the least bit ashamed of what happened on yesterday’s show, do you?
DJ-P0n3: DJ-P0n3 does not know the meaning of the word shame!
Octavia: [Sigh.] Why am I not surprised?
DJ-P0n3: Besides, yesterday’s show was fantastic! What is there to be ashamed of?
Octavia: Well, let’s see. For one thing, you embarrassed our guest. Again.
DJ-P0n3: What? Noooooo, I was a model host to Photo Finish.
Octavia: At first. Then you made fun of her, just like you did the Princess!
DJ-P0n3: Okay, first of all, I did not make fun of the Princess. I used my cunning wit and intelligence--
[Octavia lets out a “Ha!”]
DJ-P0n3: To deliver the truth for the sake of justice! Even Celestia agreed I was right in the end.
Octavia: That doesn’t excuse you badgering her on air! She’s the ruler of all Equestria!
DJ-P0n3: Well I never voted for her.
[Octavia slams head on console.]
DJ-P0n3: And second, I didn’t embarrass Photo Finish. Not exactly.
Octavia: You said her accent was fake!
DJ-P0n3: No, no. That’s not what I said at all. I simply asked “What accent are we SUPPOSED to think that is?” There’s a difference. She didn’t seem that offended. She did give me that free camera.
Octavia: She threw it at your head!
DJ-P0n3: Yes. For free.
Octavia: Whatever. The point is I ended up having to apologize for you. Again!
DJ-P0n3: Oh, stop being such a stick in the mud. You know you love it. After all, you still come into work every day.
Octavia: [Angry muttering.] That’s because I’m afraid if I take a day off, you’ll set the studio on fire.
DJ-P0n3: Octy, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?
Octavia: Let’s ... let’s just get on with the show before I get a migraine.
DJ-P0n3: Right! Well, we have a great show for you today. Now, we were going to have an interview with Prince Blueblood, but for some reason he canceled at the last minute.
Octavia: Probably because he actually listened to the show and realized you’d spend all morning mocking him.
DJ-P0n3: [Fake sincerity.] Mock him? Me? Why Octavia, I am shocked you’d think such a thing! I ... I think I might cry.
Octavia: Crying would imply you actually have emotions.
DJ-P0n3: Well, forget all about the Prince, folks, because we’ve got a guest who’s even better. She’s one of the fastest flyers in Equestria and the definition of cool. That’s right, we’ve got Spitfire of the Wonderbolts here in the studio! Who needs some stuck-up snob when we’ve got her, right?
Octavia: There you go insulting ponies you’ve never met again.
DJ-P0n3: You’re just mad because he’d be the only guest we’ve had snootier than you.
Octavia: He is not snootier than me!
[DJ-P0n3 bursts out laughing.]
Octavia: Wait, I mean I’m not snooty! I mean he’s not snooty! I mean, ugh, shut up!
DJ-P0n3: You know, I don’t know how I had fun before I had you to pick on. Awww, now your face is all red. So cute…
DJ-P0n3: And that’s not all, listeners! This interview will be extra special. You may not know this, but Spitfire and I also happen to be best friends!
Octavia: Wait, really?
DJ-P0n3: Yep. Since we were adorable babies! Thick as thieves! BFFs! All that junk.
DJ-P0n3: What, you don’t believe me?
Octavia: No, it’s just that ... Spitfire is a Wonderbolt. A respected person. And you’re ... well, you. You can understand why I’d be a little confused.
[Door quietly opens and shuts.]
DJ-P0n3: Ohhhh? You don’t believe it’s possible for me to have friends?
Octavia: No, I just expected your friends to be more like … mental patients or criminal riff-raff.
[Spitfire chuckles in the background.]
Spitfire: Well, Vinyl does drive me crazy, but I’m not a mental patient just yet.
Octavia: [Yelps.] OH! Um ... Miss Spitfire. I- I’m so sorry. I didn’t hear you come in. I wasn’t... I didn’t mean to ... she made me say it!
Spitfire: [Laughing.] Don’t sweat it. I’m just kidding around.
DJ-P0n3: Uh oh, who let the ratty mule in the studio?
Octavia: [Aghast.] Vinyl! How dare you--
Spitfire: Haha, still the same old Vinyl. Love the show. Nice to see someones paying you to run your mouth.
DJ-P0n3: I know! Can you believe it? I get health insurance too, and all I have to do is play music I like and make fun of our sponsors.
Spitfire: And all I do is fly around and look cool.
DJ-P0n3: We are such thieves!
Spitfire: I know!
[Both laugh together.]
DJ-P0n3: Ah, look at that. Too big to give a hug to your friend? You’re such a jerk!
Spitfire: I learned from the best, didn’t I? Haha.
Spitfire: Awww, it’s good to see you too, Vinyl.
Octavia: Well ... that’s definitely something.
Octavia: Nothing, it’s just ... I never took you for the hugging type. It just seems so … nice of you.
DJ-P0n3: Oh. Thanks!
Octavia: Almost makes me forget you’re really a complete lunatic.
DJ-P0n3: [Gasp.] I’ll have you know I can be very affectionate!
Octavia: Hmph. I find that hard to believe.
DJ-P0n3: [Slyly.] Say the word and I’ll show you just how “affectionate” I can get.
Octavia: S-stop kidding around on the air!
Spitfire: [Whispering.] You think she’s joking?
Spitfire: Oh nothing.
DJ-P0n3: Thanks for joining us, Spitfire. It’s been too long.
Spitfire: No problem. I love the show. [Chuckles.] You two are fun together.
Octavia: [Wearily.] “Fun” isn’t exactly the first word that comes to mind. “Rock bottom” is more like it.
DJ-P0n3: Haha, Octy’s such a kidder.
Octavia: [Deadpan.] Someone help me. Please.
DJ-P0n3: So, Spitfire! Why don’t you start by telling our listeners about the Wonderbolts?
Spitfire: Well, we’re the best flyers in Equestria. We’ve done air shows everywhere from Cloudsdale to Manehatten. We have a pretty demanding schedule, but I’m not complaining. Best job in the world.
Octavia: What’s the rest of the team like?
Spitfire: Oh, they’re all really nice. We all love meeting fans. They’re all very cool.
DJ-P0n3: Yes, very cool. Makes me wonder how they let you in, Spitshine.
Spitfire: [Snort.] I ... almost forgot about that nickname.
Octavia: Vinyl! Don’t disgrace the only guest who actually likes us! Don’t you know anything about showing respect?!
DJ-P0n3: You’re right. That was disrespectful. Miss Spitshine, I meant to say.
Spitfire: [Giggles.] No really, it’s fine. Vinyl’s just being herself.
Octavia: I know. And that’s precisely why it’s wrong.
DJ-P0n3: Haha, that’s a great lesson, Octy. All you fillies listening, remember what Octavia says: never be yourself.
Octavia: No, the lesson is to never be like Vinyl. Ever.
Spitfire: Words to live by.
DJ-P0n3: Can’t really argue with that one.
Spitfire: Trust me, Octavia, I already know. She’s always been like this. I could tell you some stories.
DJ-P0n3: Ah yes, my favorite kinds of stories: the ones about me!
Octavia: [Sighs.] Are there any where Vinyl gets hurt?
Octavia: Tell me all of them.
DJ-P0n3: Psh. Octy, if you’re fishing for something to make fun of me for, good luck. I’m an open book! I’ve never been ashamed of a single thing I’ve ever done!
Spitfire: Oh? Then I guess that means you’ve told her about the concert?
DJ-P0n3: The um ... [Cough.] The what?
Spitfire: The concert? I know you haven’t forgotten.
DJ-P0n3: I, er, don’t recall that.
Spitfire: Oh really? Good thing I remember it then...
DJ-P0n3: No! I mean ... [Nervous laugh.] Nobody needs to hear that--
Octavia: No, by all means Miss Spitfire, please continue!
[Octavia scoots mike closer to Spitfire.]
Spitfire: Well, back when we were fillies, you might not believe it, but Vinyl was a bit of a show-off.
Octavia: ...really? I would have never guessed.
Spitfire: She loved music back then and just knew that had something to do with her special talent, but didn’t know what her “thing” was.
DJ-P0n3: Really, this ... this is nothing anypony needs to hear...
Spitfire: She wanted to get her Cutie Mark so bad so she took every instrument in town, regardless of whether she had actually asked for them or not, and tried all of them. And guess what? She found one instrument she just loved.
DJ-P0n3: Ooookay, well that was fun. Wasn’t that fun? Yep, fun, er, isn’t it time for the ad? Yeah, I think it’s time for the ad. Why don’t we run that right now?! [Muttering.] Where’s that button?!
Spitfire: I mean, she LOVED playing it and she wanted everyone to see. So she invited everyone in town to have a concert. She even built a little stage out of sticks and everything, made a little sign with her name on it, and everything. She was certain that if she held a big concert, she’d definitely get her cutie mark. She was so proud of that instrument …
Octavia: Well then, Miss Spitfire, I just have to ask …
DJ-P0n3: [Nervous muttering.] Where’s the plug on this console?
Octavia: What was the instrument?
DJ-P0n3: Spitfire, don’t!
Spitfire: Are you ready for this?
DJ-P0n3: You can’t!
Spitfire: An accordion.
[Octavia laughs uncontrollably.]
DJ-P0n3: [Groans.] I can’t believe you told them. I was young and confused!
Spitfire: What’s there to be ashamed about? [Stifled laughter.] It was beautiful, really. I mean, when you did that polka version of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” ... tears were in my eyes. [Snort.] It was ... it was so moving.
Octavia: Ahahahahaha-- [Bangs hoof on console.]
DJ-P0n3: Yeah just ... get it out of your system, Octavia.
Spitfire: The tragedy of it all was her concert was cut short because the accordion happened to belong to the sheriff. She didn’t really think of that when she invited him ...
Octavia: AHAHAHAHAHA, oh god, I can’t breathe, Hahahahaha!
Spitfire: So he dragged her off-stage. But she wouldn’t give back the accordion. I mean, she loved that thing. She was kicking and biting him. They had to practically pry it away from her!
[Laughter continues loudly in the background.]
DJ-P0n3: It’s fine. It’s fine, Spitfire. [Chuckles.] You know, I was gonna be nice. You wanna play that game? We’ll play that game. How would you like to tell our listeners who your first kiss was?
[Octavia stops laughing.]
Octavia: Vinyl, calm down. There’s no need to retaliate. It’s not that there’s anything wrong ... [Covers mouth to hide laughter.] With you. [Voice cracks with laughter]. Playing the accordion.
DJ-P0n3: No, trust me, you’ll all love this. Tell them, Spitfire.
Spitfire: Aw, don’t be like that, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Inquiring minds want to know!
Octavia: Do you have any respect for anypony’s privacy?
DJ-P0n3: No. Octavia, guess who it was.
Octavia: I’m not going to join in such childish--
Octavia: Wha-- How should I know? Some nerdy colt or something?
DJ-P0n3: Not exactly...
Spitfire: Heh, you’re seriously going to tell them, aren’t you?
DJ-P0n3: No, Octy, it wasn’t a nerdy colt. I’ll give you three hints: it’s a different gender, it’s someone you already know, and the answer is me.
DJ-P0n3: It’s true.
Spitfire: [Chuckle.] I can’t believe you’d bring that up. It was just a practice kiss.
DJ-P0n3: Hey, if I have to suffer, so do you. That’s what friends are for. [Pause.] Also, listeners, for the record? She uses tongue.
Octavia: [Angry.] Vinyl, that is wildly inappropriate!
DJ-P0n3: Why so mad? [Grins.] You jealous?
Octavia: Oh, you wish!
DJ-P0n3: Cause if you are, we can fix that right now. Your choice, open mouth or closed mouth?
DJ-P0n3: You have kissed before, right?
Octavia: I-I don’t see what that has to do with anything!
DJ-P0n3: So then you haven’t?
Octavia: I didn’t say that!
DJ-P0n3: But it’s true, isn’t it?
DJ-P0n3: I already told you. We can fix all this right now...
Spitfire: [Chuckle.] This interview went in an odd direction.
DJ-P0n3: That tends to happen here.
[Octavia stammers some more, then thumps head on console.]
Octavia: [Muttering.] I am ashamed to know you. You know that, right?
DJ-P0n3: Wha? Oh yeah, whatever. Hmm ... you know, I just got a great idea.
Octavia: No fires!
DJ-P0n3: No, not this time. [Scoots chair.] I’ll be right back. Octavia, go to commercial.
Octavia: What? Wait!
[Sound of hooves clomping on the floor.]
Octavia: I don’t know how to work--
Octavia: ... the console. [Sigh.] It’s okay ... if that moron can do it, I should be able to. We’ll be right back after these messages, folks! [Long pause.] Um ... which button does she usually ... oh, here we go!
[Hits button. “Boing!” sound effect plays.]
Octavia: No wait, this one!
[Hits button, followed by fart sound effect.]
Octavia: Come on!
[Hits button. Slightly different fart sound plays.]
Spitfire: You okay there?
Octavia: I’m fine! I can figure this out. Okay, now I know for sure. It’s this one!
[Hits button. Volume lowers slightly. Octavia continues unaware she is still broadcasting.]
Octavia: There we go. [Exhales.] Today is just one of those days. Miss Spitfire, I just want to say how sorry I am about everything.
Spitfire: [Chuckles.] It’s fine. This is pretty fun.
Octavia: Yeah, but that stuff Vinyl said--
Spitfire: It’s not a big deal. We were just fillies. I’m not embarrassed. After all, you know how Vinyl is …
Octavia: I guess. [Pause.] Can I ask you something? Just between us?
Octavia: Well it’s just ... you seem relatively normal.
Spitfire: I try, yeah.
Octavia: And you say Vinyl’s always been this way, right?
Spitfire: Pretty much.
Octavia: Well ... why are you two friends?
Spitfire: That’s a weird question. [Laughs.] I’d figure you’d know already.
Octavia: What do you mean?
Spitfire: Well, you’re her friend too, right?
Octavia: Um, what?
Spitfire: You’re not? Oh. Sorry, I just ... well, you guys sound close.
Octavia: Were we listening to the same show?! You think that’s how friends treat each other? I don’t think so! We’re not close at all! All she does is make fun of me. We never actually talk. We’re not friends. We’re ... I don’t even know what we are.
Spitfire: Hey, calm down. No reason to get upset.
Octavia: I’m not upset! I’m just … [Sighs.] I don’t even really know why I’m here. Every morning I wake up afraid of what I’m going to have to put up with today. Am I going to watch someone else get torn down for no reason? Am I going to lose more of my dignity? I’ve only got so much left …
Spitfire: ...are you okay?
Octavia: I don’t know. [Glumly.] The thing is, I know that nopony who listens actually cares what I think. They just listen to see me suffer and laugh while Vinyl destroys somepony for shock value. It makes me feel ... dirty. And Vinyl doesn’t realize it. And even if she did, she wouldn’t care. She doesn’t seem to care about anything aside from getting attention. That’s really all I’m here for: to be a prop she uses to give herself more attention. I guess that doesn’t make me much better than her, when you think about it.
Octavia: That’s why I asked. [Sad mumbling.] Why would anyone want to be friends with somepony like her? Or me?
Spitfire: Heh, you sound just like me, you know?
Octavia: Yeah. Sure.
Spitfire: No really. I know how Vinyl can seem sometimes. [Pause.] Would you like to hear a story?
Spitfire: Well, Vinyl and I were friends growing up, that’s true. But ... I wasn’t so much her best friend as I was her only friend.
Octavia: She didn’t have any other friends?
Spitfire: Pretty much everypony thought she was obnoxious. Or loud. Or annoying.
Octavia: [Sarcasm.] Yeah, not sure where’d they’d that idea …
Spitfire: So pretty much everypony ignored her. Vinyl hated that. Probably why she talks so loud all the time, so everyone has to pay attention. And even though we were friends, sometimes even I really hated her.
Spitfire: She loved to pick on me. Called me Spitshine, Spittoon, Spit-swapper ... mostly spit puns. She wasn’t that original. I actually thought she didn’t like me for a long time, even though I hung out with her and everything.
Spitfire: Well, eventually I had to leave for Flight School. We were both still pretty young at the time. Neither one of us had our Cutie Marks. When I told Vinyl I was moving, she didn’t say anything. She acted like it didn’t bother her at all. Tried to play it cool, I guess. So I ended up going to Cloudsdale to learn to fly. After I was there for a couple months, I got a letter from my parents saying Vinyl was in the hospital. I immediately freaked out and flew home.
Octavia: Why was she in the hospital?
Spitfire: That’s exactly what I wanted to know. When I got there, I found out she’d broken her leg. I went right to her room and asked her what had happened. Apparently, she’d fallen out of a tree. She had climbed it, built some little “wings” for her hooves out of cardboard, and jumped out of it. She was trying to fly.
Spitfire: So I said, “Vinyl, that is without a doubt the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Why would you do something like that?” She said, “I wanted to go to Flight School. You have to fly to go to Flight School.” As if it was just common sense or something. When I asked her why she wanted to go there, she was quiet for a minute. That was a first, by the way; seeing her quiet about anything. And she just looked up and said, “I wanted to see you again.”
Octavia: She said that?
Spitfire: Yep. Evidently, all she had done while I was gone was figure out ways to come see me. [Pause.] I didn’t know what to say to that. After that I always wrote to her and visited when I could, but with my job, we still hardly see each other. To be honest, I was kind of glad when I heard you two on the radio. I figured Vinyl had found someone else she could actually be herself around.
Octavia: I ... I never knew any of that.
Spitfire: I’m not surprised. Vinyl doesn’t talk about her feelings much, but she has them. She’ll act like nothing bothers her, laugh, and make fun of you ... but she’ll also never tell you a lie, she’ll never cross the line once it’s been drawn, and she’ll never, ever, let you down when you really need her. [Gives a nervous laugh.] Sorry. I’m rambling a lot today I guess. Did I at least answer your question?
Octavia: ...yeah. Yes, I think it does.
[Door slams open.]
DJ-P0n3: Alright! I’m back! Sorry, it took me a few minutes to find this.
Spitfire: A camera?
DJ-P0n3: Yep. Just got it yesterday. For free, too!
Octavia: Well, I guess we should go back on the air. Um, where’s that button?
DJ-P0n3: Oh, you’re already on the air.
Octavia: Huh? Wait, how did you--
Spitfire: What’s the camera for?
DJ-P0n3: To take a picture! Duh! Just have to set it up right here ... [Sounds of tripod being set up.] There we go! Get up here Spitfire.
Spitfire: What’s this for?
DJ-P0n3: This is the best episode ever, so I always want to remember it with a picture of my best friends! [Pause.] Hey.
DJ-P0n3: Well, get up here! We’re friends, right?
Octavia: ... yeah. Of course we are …
[Sounds of footsteps.]
DJ-P0n3: And let me just get her too. Alright, now everypony smile!
Spitfire: Well, I suppose it’s time for me to get going. We should do this again though.
DJ-P0n3: The studio door is always open for you.
Spitfire: That’s good to know.
Spitfire: Bye Scratch.
DJ-P0n3: Till next time …
[Door opens, then quietly shuts.]
DJ-P0n3: Well, I thought that was a pretty good interview, don’t you think?
[Octavia says nothing.]
DJ-P0n3: Something wrong?
Octavia: You knew we were on the air already …
DJ-P0n3: Yeah ... turns out somepony actually left the radio on downstairs.
Octavia: ... you heard everything, didn’t you?
DJ-P0n3: Yeah. Guess I did.
Octavia: Listen, I--
DJ-P0n3: You’re wrong, you know.
DJ-P0n3: You said nopony cares what you have to say. That’s not true. It’s a pretty dumb thing to say. Cause I can tell you, at least one pony does ...
Octavia: So ... what are you doing after the show?
DJ-P0n3: I dunno.
Octavia: You want to go get something to eat after this?
DJ-P0n3: Yeah. I’d like that. [Pause.] Whoa! Sorry about that folks! Things got sappy there for a second! That’s no way to end a show! These things always have to go out on a big laugh ... um ... wait I know!
[Clicks button. Fart noise. Dead silence for almost a minute.]
Octavia: [Genuine laugh.] Way to kill the mood there, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: It’s what I do best! That’s our show! See you next time folks!
[End of tape.]
[Spitfire remained a loyal friend of the show well into present day, returning to the show frequently enough to nearly be considered a regular character.]
[After the airing of this episode, fan letters flooded K-COLT in droves. Almost all of them were addressed to Octavia, and almost all of them assured Octavia that they, in fact, also cared what she had to say. Octavia never threw these letters away and many of them still decorate the studio walls.]
[Vinyl Scratch said in a later interview on “Late Night with Lyra and Bon-Bon” that she has only had one and only one picture she felt important enough to frame: the very same photograph she took on that memorable episode. She said she keeps it on her desk at the studio, so she can look at it everyday.]
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes
Third Transcript: The Call-In Show
[What follows is a transcript of broadcast 1F22 of the Vinyl Scratch, approximately one week following the Spitfire interview.]
DJ-P0n3: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Nope ... it’s just ROCK! You’re listening to K-COLT and there’s no escape from THE VINYL SCRATCH!
DJ-P0n3: You’re listening to the number one radio show in Equestria! I’m your host, the devious disc diva herself, DJ-P0n3!
Octavia: And I’m Octavia, the sane one.
DJ-P0n3: So, Octy, want to tell the listeners about our date yesterday?
Octavia: Stop calling it a date! It wasn’t a date!
DJ-P0n3: Why? [Mock despair.] You’re ashamed of me, aren’t you?
Octavia: Yes. Very.
DJ-P0n3: [Gasp.] How could you say such a thing?! What happened to the proper lady I used to know?!
Octavia: She met you. That’s what happened.
DJ-P0n3: [Fake crying.] You never look me in the eye anymore!
Octavia: Alright, stop acting silly and tell them if you’re gonna.
DJ-P0n3: [Instantly stops crying.] So listeners! I actually went to Octavia’s concert last night at Blueblood Hall. Since apparently any no-showing stuck-up coward prince can own a theater now.
Octavia: You’re still mad he didn’t show up so you could make fun of him, aren’t you?
DJ-P0n3: Not at all. I can make fun of him whether he shows up or not. It’s just more entertaining to see the look on his face.
Octavia: Heh. You’re horrible sometimes. You know that, right?
DJ-P0n3: [Whispering into the mic.] Octavia doesn’t want to admit it, but she’s smirking right now.
Octavia: [Stifled laugh.] No. I’m not. Don’t listen to her.
DJ-P0n3: Liar. Anyway, Octavia’s band had a concert there the other night.
Octavia: It’s an ensemble, not a band.
DJ-P0n3: Whatever, same thing. For those who don’t know she plays the cello. Usually classical isn’t my thing …
Octavia: Because, you know, it’s actual music and not just noise like you’re used to.
DJ-P0n3: Buuuut Octavia was really good and so was the rest of her band. It was very nice, moving music and all of you should go listen.
Octavia: ...oh. Well, thank you. That’s a very sweet thing to say.
DJ-P0n3: Does that mean we can make out?
Octavia: Oh, shut up.
DJ-P0n3: Okay. Later then.
Octavia: Whatever. So after the concert, we went out to eat.
DJ-P0n3: As a date.
Octavia: It wasn’t a date.
DJ-P0n3: It was a date, and I can prove it to you with sheer logic!
Octavia: [Groan.] Oh, this should be good …
DJ-P0n3: We went to a classy restaurant, right?
Octavia: Of course. As if I’d go anywhere else.
DJ-P0n3: And our table had candles, right?
Octavia: Yes, but what does that--
DJ-P0n3: So it was a candlelit dinner.
Octavia: ... well, so to speak …
DJ-P0n3: You had your hair done ... and you were wearing perfume.
Octavia: I was in public, of course I was. Just because you don’t care about your appearance doesn’t mean--
DJ-P0n3: You asked me if I thought it smelt nice.
Octavia: Well, it was new perfume ... I-I was curious. There’s nothing weird about that.
DJ-P0n3: Uh huh. So it mattered to you what I think?
Octavia: [Pause.] No I--
DJ-P0n3: You wanted to know if I was impressed or not.
Octavia: [Forced laugh.] That’s ... now you’re just grasping at straws.
DJ-P0n3: [Grins.] And that’s not even getting into the stuff you said after a few drinks …
DJ-P0n3: About how much you really loved working with me.
Octavia: Okay, no drink is strong enough to make me say that.
DJ-P0n3: And that it was nice that we were getting closer. It was quite adorable, really.
Octavia: I’m positive you made that part up.
DJ-P0n3: [Chuckles.] Clearly you’re still in denial of your undying love for me!
Octavia: You’re the one who’s in denial here. Can we just drop the subject please?
DJ-P0n3: Okay, fine ... but it was totally a dat-
Octavia: SO! Listeners, if you’d like to see my ensemble and I play, we’re doing shows all this week, including one tomorrow night. From what I understand, tickets are going fast so you’d better hurry if you want to see us!
DJ-P0n3: See? I am rubbing off on you.
Octavia: What are you talking about?
DJ-P0n3: You’re shamelessly promoting yourself. That’s definitely something I’d do.
Octavia: I am-- wait. Wait. Jeez, you’re ... you’re actually right.
Octavia: [Deadpan.] Oh god. What have I become?
DJ-P0n3: Well folks! Today’s show is going to be a little different. We don’t have a celebrity guest today, but today is special because you, listeners, can be on the show! I’m sure all you listeners at home have heard of the latest craze: the telephone! Well we happen to have one right here in the studio.
[Drops heavy rotary phone on console.]
DJ-P0n3: Neat, huh?
Octavia: I still don’t see what the big fuss is about it.
DJ-P0n3: You just don’t understand progress. Get with the times, granny.
Octavia: What did you call me?
DJ-P0n3: Anyway, this magical invention will let you talk directly to us from anywhere in the whole world ... provided that you’ve purchased a phone or can mooch one off your friends.
Octavia: This thing has only been around for a week. How did you get one anyway?
DJ-P0n3: We got one for free, thanks to our new sponsors! Speaking of which, this episode is brought to you by the Derpy Express, the most endearing delivery company in Equestria. Derpy Express: making sure your package gets sent in the general direction it’s supposed to go.
Octavia: Since when do you actually care about doing the ads?
DJ-P0n3: Since our sponsors started sending us cool stuff. Look, they sent muffins too!
[DJ-P0n3 munches on muffin.]
DJ-P0n3: So folks, if you’ve ever wanted to chat with us, now’s your chance. Just call and you’ll be on the air with us. Feel free to ask us any question you want, no matter how intimate or embarrassing!
Octavia: You know, you really shouldn’t say that last part so cheerfully …
DJ-P0n3: Just give us a call at ... um ... hang on I have the number written down here somewhere.
[Sound of things being knocked over.]
DJ-P0n3: No ... no …
Octavia: Stop wrecking stuff.
DJ-P0n3: Come on, I’ve got this perfectly under--
DJ-P0n3: Oops. I’ll uh, I’ll clean that up later. Oh wait, here it is!
DJ-P0n3: Just give us a call at, let’s see here ... 4. Okay, give us a call at 4 and you’ll be on the show!
Octavia: You couldn’t remember that?!
DJ-P0n3: Well, when am I ever going to have to dial my own number?
DJ-P0n3: Looks like we have our first caller!
[Picks up receiver.]
DJ-P0n3: Hello! You’re on the air with the Vinyl Scratch!
[Caller speaks with a heavy, hissing accent found commonly in Diamond Dogs].
Diamond Dog Caller: Hello, radio DJ pony!
DJ-P0n3: That’s quite a strange voice you got there. You’re a ... pony?
Diamond Dog: Yesssss, sure. We are perfectly normal Earth horse-ponies. We was just wondering ... is your refrigerator running?
[Snickering is heard in background of call].
DJ-P0n3: Sorry, we don’t have a refrigerator in the studio.
Diamond Dog: Well then you-- huh? Um ... [Muttering.] What, what I say now?
Background Dog: Hang up--
Diamond Dog: [Whispering.] But what is joke?
Background Dog: Hang up, stupid!
Diamond Dog: Um ... let us give you call back.
[Hangs up, dial tone.]
DJ-P0n3: Huh ... well, that was different.
Octavia: [Groan.] Yeah, I can really see the usefulness of this invention.
DJ-P0n3: Okay, now you answer it.
Octavia: What? No, you answer it!
DJ-P0n3: I answered last time, now it’s your go.
Octavia: I... I don’t feel like it.
DJ-P0n3: Why? [Laughs.] You scared?
Octavia: [Shouting.] Like I’d be afraid of something so dumb!
[Pause. Phone rings again.]
Octavia: Okay, fine! [Click.] Hello?
Caller: [High pitched.] HI!
[Receiver clatters to the floor, followed by muffled laughter from DJ-P0n3.]
Octavia: Stop laughing! I just ... didn’t expect it to be so loud. I was ... startled that’s all. I--
DJ-P0n3: Ssh, ssh, don’t worry. [Snicker.] Don’t worry. I’m here now. I won’t let the phone hurt you. [Touches Octavia’s shoulder.] Everything is gonna be ooookay.
Octavia: I hate you.
DJ-P0n3: [Grins.] I love you too, honey.
[Octavia sighs. DJ-P0n3 picks up phone.]
DJ-P0n3: Sorry about that, caller. You’re on the air with the Vinyl Scratch!
[Caller sounds like a filly with a southern accent.]
Apple Bloom: Um, hi. I’m sorry if ah scared Miss Octavia. Is she alright?
Octavia: No, sweetie, it’s fine. I’m alright.
DJ-P0n3: Aww, you sound adorable, caller. Did you have a question for us?
Apple Bloom: Well …
[Other fillies speak in the background.]
Sweetie Bell: [Whispering.] Go on, ask.
Scootaloo: [Whispering.] Yeah, before Twilight finds out her phone’s gone.
Apple Bloom: Well, me and ma friends were just wonderin’ ... how did ya’ll get your cutie marks?
DJ-P0n3: Aha, now there’s a good question. You wanna go first Octy?
Octavia: What? Oh um ... no, you go ahead.
DJ-P0n3: No problem! Actually there’s a story in that. It all started after I tried to put on my innocent little concert, only to be cracked down by the establishment!
Octavia: That tends to happen when you steal an accordion from a police chief.
DJ-P0n3: So after that, our school had a dance. As part of my punishment, I was told I couldn’t go. I had to stay in class and write an essay about what I had done wrong. I begged them to reconsider, but my teachers said no. [Sniff.] It was ... very traumatic.
Octavia: You were so guilty though.
DJ-P0n3: I was a victim of circumstance! I wasn’t going to take that punishment lying down. I decided it was time for me to strike against the system. So I flipped my paper over, wrote “STICKIN’ IT TO THE MAN!” on the back and started to look for a way into the dance. Luckily, I knew my way around the ventilation system pretty well …
Octavia: How could you possibly know that?
DJ-P0n3: I um ... had to use it to sneak out of school all the other times I was a victim of circumstance...
Octavia: You were one of those kids who never learned a lesson from anything, weren’t you?
DJ-P0n3: Hey, I learned plenty of lessons. And one of them just happened to be how to sneak out of school. I got much more use out of that than I ever did geometry, let me tell you. Anyway, when I finally crawled into the gym, they just had the gym teacher at a turntable playing slow songs. Stuff with no beat! No rhythm! No soul! Every filly was just standing around, no one was having fun. Clearly it was my civic duty to do something!
Octavia: Why is it that every time you say something is your civic duty, it involves criminal behavior?
DJ-P0n3: So I quickly snuck back to my desk at school, retrieving some of my favorite records …
Octavia: Wait, you kept records at school? Why? It’s not like you’d have anything to play them on.
DJ-P0n3: I loved music, so I took records with me everywhere, even if I couldn’t play them. [Laughs.] You might not be able to believe this but I was a weird kid back then.
Octavia: You’re a weird kid now!
DJ-P0n3: Then I returned to the gym and used my cunning and stealth to disable the downer music. Luckily, the gym teacher thought the turntable was broken and left to find somepony to fix it. Guess he wasn’t smart enough to check if it was unplugged first. Once he left, I plugged it back in and heroically commandeered the turntable for great justice!
Octavia: Nothing about that was even remotely heroic.
DJ-P0n3: So I flooded the entire gym with the sounds of rock-and-roll! Everypony suddenly got in the mood and started dancing! They were so happy, everypony went from not having fun to having the time of their lives, all because of me! That’s when I realized the tremendous power of music and rock! It wasn’t just about having something nice to dance to; it was about speaking to your very soul! Hearing something that can make you feel like lightning is running through your veins and a wildfire is spreading in your heart! A sound that can shake the heavens and make the entire air electric! That’s what I felt every time I heard music and I wanted everypony to feel the same! All they needed was somepony to guide them, to show them the power of ROCK! AND IN THAT MOMENT I KNEW I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD DO IT! WHEREVER THERE WAS ROCK, YOU WOULD LOOK WHO WAS TOWERING OVER THE SPEAKERS, WHO WAS AT THE TURNTABLE, AND YOU WOULD KNOW IT WAS VINYL SCRATCH! HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Apple Bloom: ... and uh ... and then ya got your cutie mark?
DJ-P0n3: What? Oh yeah. Then that happened. And uh ... then I was put in detention for about a month and a half.
Scootaloo: Wow! That was a cool story.
Octavia: Um ... little fillies? I just want to tell you not to imitate anything Vinyl said. She’s not exactly a role model. She’s more like ... the perfect bad example.
DJ-P0n3: Okay, well, why don’t you give them a better example? How’d you get yours?
Octavia: Oh well ... it wasn’t exactly as fun as your story. I’m sure no one wants to hear it.
Sweetie Bell: No, tell us.
Octavia: Well. [Clears throat.] When I was a filly, I lived in Manehatten. I came from a very good family, but I didn’t exactly fit in. You wouldn’t know it now, but I used to be rather shy. Lots of ponies used to pick on me. I started taking music classes and I really liked the cello. [Laughs.] Actually, the only reason I picked that instrument at first was so I’d have something really heavy I could swing at the bullies. So I practiced really hard and then one day we had a concert at school. I had a solo and everything. I was so excited about it.
DJ-P0n3: Ah, I see. So you killed and got your cutie mark right? And then everypony respected you?
Octavia: [Nervous laugh.] Um, not exactly. When I got to my solo, I actually got really nervous and I ... I ended up hitting a few wrong notes. [Pause.] Well, more like a lot of wrong notes. [Pause.] I’m ... almost positive I hit the right note at least once.
Octavia: It was so bad some ponies in the audience started laughing ... and a few parents too. I started crying. [Speaks glumly.] Everypony in band got really mad at me. They said I ruined the concert, teased me in band class. I ended up getting picked on even more than I did before. I got so depressed I didn’t want to play anything ever again. All I wanted to do was make music that ponies would enjoy. Kinda like you, Vinyl. I guess.
DJ-P0n3: Um. Yeah, I guess. That ... wow.
Octavia: Oh! Don’t worry. This story has a happy ending. Eventually I got so determined to prove how good I was, I practiced the cello more and more. I must have practiced more than any other pony in band class. Then I finally begged my music teacher for another solo in the next concert. She agreed, despite everypony saying I’d just mess up. So finally, when it was my turn, I played despite how nervous I was. I gave a beautiful solo that ended with everypony clapping. And that’s how I finally got my cutie mark.
Apple Bloom: Whoa.
Octavia: It was a lot of hard work, but in the end, everything was worth it. [Laugh.] Sorry if my story wasn’t as cool as Vinyl’s.
DJ-P0n3: [Pause.] No. It wasn’t as cool as mine... it was way cooler.
Octavia: ... thanks Vinyl.
Apple Bloom: Well, um, thanks for answerin’ our quest-
[A mare is heard in the background.]
Twilight: So that’s where my phone went!
Scootaloo: Uh oh.
Apple Bloom: [Talking fast.] Uh oh! Gottagokaythanksbye!
[Slams phone down, dial tone.]
DJ-P0n3: Huh. Well, that was fun. Cute kids.
Octavia: ... yeah ...
DJ-P0n3: [Softer voice.] Hey, you alright?
Octavia: What? Oh yeah, sorry. I don’t usually think about the past a whole lot. Drudged up a lot of memories, I guess.
DJ-P0n3: Hey now, don’t get in a sad mood or anything. What’s past is past, right?
Octavia: I guess ...
DJ-P0n3: [Pause.] Wait! [Rustles through stuff.] Here, have a muffin!
Octavia: O ... k. [Takes muffin.] Um ... why?
DJ-P0n3: No one can be sad if they have a muffin. That’s a scientific fact.
[There is a long pause, presumably consisting of Octavia giving DJ-P0n3 a blank stare.]
Octavia: Heh, I guess that helps a little.
DJ-P0n3: See! Told you. Science! Anyway, we’re gonna take a quick break. In the meantime, enjoy some of the latest hits!
[After several songs, the show resumes. Apparently DJ-P0n3 and Octavia have learned from past mistakes, as this time they seem aware that broadcast has resumed.]
[Paper rustling, followed by quiet laughter.]
Octavia: This ... this is officially the worst idea ever.
DJ-P0n3: Welcome back, listeners! Sorry about that. Octavia and I were just having a discussion over the break. I was proposing a musical project we could work on together. Octavia seems to have doubts about it ...
Octavia: Why don’t you let the audience decide?
DJ-P0n3: I was writing a rock opera that I was hoping Octavia would collaborate with me on. I mean, she plays cello, her involvement could definitely class it up a bit ...
Octavia: I don’t think I’m suited for that type of project.
DJ-P0n3: Oh, come on, Octy. [Giggles.] We could make such sweet music together.
Octavia: Remind me. Why haven’t I filed a restraining order against you yet?
DJ-P0n3: Anyway, listeners, let me explain the plot ...
Octavia: In a very fast-and-loose definition of the word “plot.”
DJ-P0n3: I just had Octy read over some of it. It’s the story of Princess Luna and Celestia creating the world. I went to great effort to make sure it was historically accurate.
Octavia: It has robots taking over the world!
DJ-P0n3: Okay, so maybe I took a few liberties ...
Octavia: Well, let’s see. According to what you have written here, Princess Celestia apparently starts a nuclear war-
Octavia: Creates a dystopian future where she rules over robot ponies--
DJ-P0n3: Uh huh.
Octavia: And Princess Luna, who for some reason has the ability to shoot lasers, comes down from space on a, quote, “chariot of fire and vengeance and more fire”--
Octavia: And proceeds to throw the entire moon at Celestia, which explodes on impact for some reason. And then Celestia turns into a dragon.
DJ-P0n3: Serpent. It’s a serpent, not a dragon.
Octavia: Whatever! Look, I will admit this is ... creative ... but you just can’t have an opera where nonsensical things happen for no reason!
DJ-P0n3: Clearly you’ve never heard a rock opera before.
Octavia: [Sigh.] Why don’t we get back to the call-ins now?
DJ-P0n3: Alright listeners! We’ve still got some time left, so anyone out there, feel free to give us a call.
[Phone rings. Click.]
Diamond Dog: Hi there. Perfectly normal Earth pony-thing again. So we was wondering if you had Prince Albert in--
[DJ-P0n3 hangs up the phone.]
DJ-P0n3: Okay, so, anyone else out there, feel free to give us a call!
[Phone rings again. DJ-P0n3 answers.]
DJ-P0n3: Hi there, you are on the air with the Vinyl Scratch!
[Caller is an older, disinterested sounding mare.]
Caller: Hello, I’m with the Blueblood Theater. Is Octavia Ann there?
DJ-P0n3: Um, yes she’s right here.
Caller: May I speak to in private?
Octavia: Oh. Um ... sure.
[Octavia takes receiver. The phone is taken away from the console, magic no longer broadcasting it on the air. Octavia’s voice is low, but can still be heard in the background, on the phone.]
Octavia: Hello? ... yes, this is she ... uh huh ... yeah ... [There’s a brief pause, after which Octavia sounds slightly alarmed.] What? But why? ... Yes but-- oh wait, he did. [Pause, followed by Octavia sounding more dejected.] He said that, did he? ... oh. Well, I see ... no, no, I understand ... thanks.
[Phone is gently clicked on the receiver. Phone is thrown back on the console. The sound of Octavia scooting back in her chair is heard.]
DJ-P0n3: Okay, sorry about the interruption there, folks! So, what was that about Octy?
[Octavia says nothing, a quiet sniff is heard over the air.]
DJ-P0n3: Hey wait. Are ... are you crying?
Octavia: [Voice cracking.] No, of course I’m not. Don’t be ... don’t be ridiculous. [Voice cracks more.] I’m fine ...
DJ-P0n3: Octavia, what happened?
Octavia: It’s nothing. It’s stupid.
DJ-P0n3: Tell me.
Octavia: ... my show was canceled. All of our shows at the theater were canceled.
DJ-P0n3: What? Why?
Octavia: They said due to lack of interest.
DJ-P0n3: Lack of-- oh, lack of interest, my flank! The concert was packed last night!
Octavia: [Deep breath.] Well, she mentioned something else. Apparently the Prince saw my show last night. She said that he ... well, that he thought it wasn’t very good.
Octavia: “Mediocre” was the word she used.
DJ-P0n3: So he canceled the show?
Octavia: [Voice cracking again.] Well, she didn’t exactly say that but yeah ... looks that way.
DJ-P0n3: [Seemingly calm.] ... huh. Well ... would you excuse me for just one second, sweetie?
Octavia: [Gives humorless chuckle while still clearly crying.] I told you not to call me that...
[DJ-P0n3 picks up phone, takes it away from the console. Even though the other side of the phone cannot be heard, DJ-P0n3 speaks loud enough for the mic to pick her up clearly.]
DJ-P0n3: Hello, operator? Yes, could you connect me to Prince Blueblood.
Octavia: Vinyl, don’t--
DJ-P0n3: Just a second, Octy. [Turns back to phone.] Yes, I would like to speak to him ... [Gives a very dark laugh.] Oh yes, he’s expecting this call ... yes, I’ll hold.
DJ-P0n3: [Overly cheerful.] Hi there, Mr. Blueblood ... oh sorry, Prince Blueblood, of course. [Chuckles.] Of course. My name is Vinyl Scratch ... yep, the DJ ... [Hearty laugh.] Yes, that’s right, the crazy one ... no, no, this isn’t about that interview you canceled, not at all. Just wanted a little talk. A little chat, you know.
DJ-P0n3: [Disturbingly cheerful] How am I? Well, haha, that’s the funny part. I’m ... I’m really quite mad ... yes, at you ... well, I’ll tell you! [Sits back down at console.] You see, I hear you didn’t much care for my friend’s concert last night and had it cancelled ... no no, I’m quite certain it’s not a misunderstanding ... noooo, I think we should talk about this now! [Laughs.] See, it’s like this...
DJ-P0n3: [No longer laughing, her voice becomes bitter.] Look, Princy, it’s like this. I don’t know what kind of ivory tower upbringing you had, but clearly if you were listening to my friend’s show and you found it, um, “mediocre,” then you don’t understand taste well. Maybe you’ve just never listened to music played by somepony who wasn’t manufactured in whatever snob factory you get most of the musicians who play at your second-rate theater. Apparently you don’t know what it sounds like when somepony actually puts they’re whole heart and soul into their music, or you just don’t understand that I was at yesterday show and know that Octavia’s band killed. Standing ovation and everything. Maybe you have a difference of opinion and that’s fine. [Chuckle.] Everypony has a right to their own opinion. And since you so graciously gave my friend your opinion, I shall return the favor by expressing my opinion of you.
[Inaudible stammering is heard on the other end of the phone.]
DJ-P0n3: Now, now, you shouldn’t interrupt other ponies when they’re talking. But I can understand that urge. I do love to talk. [Grim chuckle.] Now my opinion is that, I think, you cancelled my friends show because of what I have said on this show before about you. [Anger rising in her voice.] Namely, that I believe you are a bland, unintelligent, cowardly, prissy, stuck-up, laughable excuse for a stallion with a silver spoon shoved so, SO very far up his flank that you cannot possibly relate to anypony, anywhere, ever. Now, I have said that, not Octavia. It is fair for you to hate me. After all, that’s my job. I make fun of ponies. It’s entertaining. I mean, even Celestia understand that. She still lets me say what I like, even though she could easily ball me up and throw me into a black hole if she felt like it. Mistakes she’s made aside, that’s a classy move. She’s a class mare. You, however, are not classy. You are ... [Pause.] Well, the words I think of can’t really be said over the air. After all, fillies listen to us. Lots of ponies listen to us.
[DJ-P0n3 raises her voice so it can be heard even clearer over the air.]
DJ-P0n3: Lots of listeners who now, thanks to me, are now completely aware that you, Prince Blueblood, are the sole reason why Octavia is not having any more shows at your theater. My listeners like Octavia, Mr. Blueblood. They don’t like you. Nopony likes you. Heck, I have to wonder if Celestia even likes you. Or if your own mother does. Assuming, you know, you actually have a mother and didn’t just slither out of a pile of filth one day. But anyway! I have to go now. I just wanted to inform you that I’m sure my fans will have a very, very happy response to you depriving them of the chance to see my co-host play.
[Thinks for a moment.]
DJ-P0n3: Actually, now that I think of it, that won’t be the case. Because you know what? I’ve got the bits, I’ve got the resources, I can put on my own concert! And we’ll do it right outside your theater, for free, whether you like it or not! ... no, sir, I don’t really care if you threaten to arrest me or not. I’ll go straight to Celestia if it comes to that. Say whatever you like, I don’t answer to you or anyone. Now, Prince, I think I have thoroughly wasted enough of my time listening to you. You should be glad that you canceled our interview because, quite frankly, if I see you face-to-face, you will be picking your teeth up from the floor. Good day, sir!
[DJ-P0n3 slams phone down, then picks up phone and hurls it through window. Sound of broken glass is heard in the background.]
[DJ-P0n3 sits back in her chair. Octavia is silent, almost certainly in shock over what just happened. There is a long silence.]
DJ-P0n3: [Takes a very deep breath.] Well, then, I think that about wraps up today’s show.
Octavia: ... wow.
DJ-P0n3: Do you ... feel any better?
Octavia: I ... [Laughs.] Yes, I do feel a little better. You didn’t have to do that, you know?
DJ-P0n3: No, actually, I’m pretty sure I did ...
Octavia: ...you really thought my show was that good?
DJ-P0n3: Octy ... do you even have to ask?
Octavia: No, I guess I don’t. Vinyl?
[Octavia hugs Vinyl.]
Octavia: I’m glad I met you. You’re very sweet. [Nuzzles against Vinyl’s neck.] Even if you are completely crazy.
DJ-P0n3: Um. Yes, well. Thank you. Um …
Octavia: Wait are ... you’re blushing? Seriously?
DJ-P0n3: No! [Coughs, makes voice sound deeper.] No, course not. I-I’m too cool for that.
Octavia: Heh, sure you are, Vinyl. Sure you are.
DJ-P0n3: Well listeners, that’s our show for today. Assuming I’m not thrown in jail or sent to the moon, we’ll be back tomorrow for a live broadcast from our concert.
Octavia: Wait, what? You ... you were serious about that?
DJ-P0n3: Of course I am! When am I ever not serious?
Octavia: Um, like 100% of the time.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, well, I’m serious about this!
Octavia: Well listen I’m ... I appreciate the gesture, Vinyl, but you can’t just set up a concert in the middle of Canterlot in one day, without a permit, without any kind of permission!
DJ-P0n3: Oh? Just watch me, Octy. Just watch me.
DJ-P0n3: Also ... I think I’ll have to go buy a new phone too...
[End of tape.]
[To be concluded ...]
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes
Transcript Four: The Concert
[What follows is a transcript of broadcast 1F23 of the Vinyl Scratch, the day after the call-in show.]
DJ-P0n3: It is 7 PM and you’re listening to K-Colt! It’s a nice clear night and we are live onstage outside Blueblood Theater! And it looks like we’ve got a couple ponies out here already. ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
[Yells of approval come from an obviously large crowd.]
DJ-P0n3: You’re listening to a very special evening broadcast of the Vinyl Scratch! I’m the diabolical musical mastermind herself, DJ-P0n3.
Octavia: And I’m Octavia, hoping I don’t get charged as an accessory before the night is over.
DJ-P0n3: And we’d like to welcome you to Octaviastock!
[Loud cheers and hoof claps.]
Octavia: [Nervous laughter.] I’m ... still not sold on that name.
DJ-P0n3: Come on, it’s memorable.
Octavia: Why did you name it after me?
DJ-P0n3: Cause you’re the star, of course!
Octavia: No, no ... it’s more the whole ensemble--
DJ-P0n3: The what?
Octavia: [Sigh.] The band.
Octavia: It’s more the whole band ponies are here to see. I’m just the cellist. I’m--
DJ-P0n3: [Over speakers.] Hey, everypony! Who thinks Octavia is being way too modest?!
[Roars of approval from the audience. After it dies down, one
pony far in the back of the crowd speaks up.]
Heckler: I don’t.
DJ-P0n3: No one asked you! [Turns back to Octavia.] See, they all agree with me, which is the next best thing to being right.
Octavia: [Blushing.] Eheh, well ... I guess.
DJ-P0n3: Don’t tell me you’re nervous.
Octavia: Well, duh. Of course I’m nervous! We’re running a concert right next to a theater and we could be arrested!
DJ-P0n3: Haha, don’t be silly. I’m sixty percent sure we won’t be arrested!
Octavia: [Groan.] Oh, great. That sets my mind at ease. Sixty. That’s barely a passing grade.
DJ-P0n3: Don’t worry your pretty little head! Vinyl’s got everything under control. Have I ever steered you wro--
Octavia: Yes. You have. Frequently.
DJ-P0n3: Well, this time I won’t.
Octavia: I have to admit I am a bit impressed that you threw this all together.
DJ-P0n3: I know, right! Isn’t it perfect?
Octavia: [Pause.] Well ... I am grateful and everything but...
DJ-P0n3: But what?
Octavia: You’ve never really organized a concert before, have you?
DJ-P0n3: I’ve ... organized raves before. It’s almost the same thing.
Octavia: Yeah see, no. No it isn’t ... although that would explain why so many ponies in the audience have glow sticks.
DJ-P0n3: I thought it would be appropriate.
Octavia: Most concert halls don’t hand out glow sticks.
DJ-P0n3: Well maybe they should! They’re cool! Look I have one right here! [Pulls out glow stick, twirls it around with telekinesis.] See! Plus, science has shown glow sticks increase everypony’s ability to enjoy music!
Octavia: Okay, first of all, you made that up. Second of all, even if you didn’t, what is the logic of that? What about glow sticks makes ponies more able to enjoy music?
DJ-P0n3: Because um ... [Pause.] Because glowing.
Octavia: Yeah. That’s real scientific. Also the stage looks a bit ... different.
DJ-P0n3: What’s wrong with the stage?
Octavia: It’s just that most concerts I’ve played at don’t have stages with quite so many speakers ... or with pyrotechnics, for that matter.
DJ-P0n3: Come on, I got a good deal on those from some blue unicorn. Speaking of which, allow me to thank today’s sponsor!
[Telekinetically pulls out small stack of note cards.]
DJ-P0n3: Today’s pyrotechnics were provided by the Great and Powerful Trixie, most powerful magician in Equestria, Savior of Hoofington ... [Goes to next note card.] Slayer of the Ursa Major, Sorcerer Supreme, Wielder of the Flame of Anor... [Goes to next note card.] Masterful Performer, Snappy Dresser ... [Flips through note cards.] Single, Enjoys Long Walks on the Beach ... jeez, there’s like fifty more of these...
[DJ-P0n3 throws note cards aside.]
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, so, Trixie: she’s good at magic apparently! Moving on!
Octavia: Wow Vinyl, her ego sounded almost as big as yours.
DJ-P0n3: Psh, what are you talking about? I’ll have you know I’m quite modest.
Octavia: Yeah, because all modest people take out giant billboards in Canterlot saying they’re the best DJ ever.
DJ-P0n3: Hey, don’t knock the billboard. That is well worth the fifty bits a month. And that was to promote K-COLT. I can’t help it if the billboard says I’m the best. And that the artist just happened to make the billboard a picture of me standing on a radio tower dual-wielding electric guitars that shoot lightning, while you stand next to me waving your cello bow like a sword. Trust me, when you put it in context, that billboard is very, very modest.
Octavia: I’m convinced you don’t even know what the word modest means now. [Sigh.] I suppose it’s almost time for my ensemble to take to the stage. The others should be nearly finished preparing.
[Octavia rubs her hooves together nervously.]
DJ-P0n3: Listen, don’t worry, you don’t have anything to worry about. You’ll do fine.
Octavia: I know. I just always get a little performance anxiety before a show.
DJ-P0n3: [Slyly.] You know, if you’re really feeling that stressed, I can think of one or two things we can do to relieve some ... tension.
Octavia: [Blushing.] D-don’t be stupid. And don’t tease me, alright? It’s not helping.
DJ-P0n3: But teasing each other is the entire basis of our relationship. Unless, you know, you wanted to change the basis of our relationship to making out and snuggling, because that’d work too. I’m open to that.
[Octavia is clearly trying not to laugh.]
DJ-P0n3: Ah! See? I am helping you feel better.
Octavia: [Stifling laugh.] No, no. I’m ... I’m above being amused by such vulgar jokes. [Pause, followed by chuckle.]
DJ-P0n3: Yeah right! [Giggles.] I knew I’d be a bad influence on you if I just kept at it.
Octavia: That’s not something you should be proud of.
DJ-P0n3: But I am anyway.
[Both ponies giggle.]
DJ-P0n3: Just enjoy yourself. You already know you’re going to do great, so what’s the point of getting worried about it? You and your band are awesome.
Octavia: I keep telling you it’s called an ensemble.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah. Your ensemble-band is awesome.
Octavia: Well ... that is very sweet of you to say. [Looks out at the audience.] I was also worried about something else actually. How much money did you spend on all this?
DJ-P0n3: Eh, I wouldn’t worry about that. It wasn’t a whole lot.
Octavia: Don’t lie to me. This all seems rather expensive ...
DJ-P0n3: Okay, so maybe I spent a little bit on the stage and glow sticks and security...
Octavia: Security? What security?
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, funny story. Remember those Diamond Dogs who called in the other day?
DJ-P0n3: Well ...
[Door to booth opens. A Diamond Dog sticks his head in wearing a ragged white shirt with the word “SECURITY” printed on it.]
Diamond Dog: Miss Sunglasses-Pony, someponies in the audience is getting restless.
DJ-P0n3: Don’t worry, the show should start in a bit. Just keep it under control until Octavia can get onstage.
Diamond Dog: Um, who?
DJ-P0n3: You know, “Bowtie Pony.” [Nods head over to Octavia.]
Diamond Dog: Oh! Yes, yesss. Right away, Miss ...
[Diamond Dog exits. Octavia looks at DJ-P0n3 in disbelief.]
Octavia: ... you hired them? Seriously?
DJ-P0n3: Ah, they’re not so bad. Besides, they work cheap. I’m paying them in milk bones and costume jewelry.
Octavia: Okay, but still, this whole concert seems like a lot of trouble for you. All the time and money and everything ...
DJ-P0n3: I don’t care about that. It’s all worth it if it makes you happy.
[Octavia says nothing for a moment.]
Octavia: I ... I don’t know what to say. No one’s ever done anything like this for me.
DJ-P0n3: Ah, it’s nothing really.
Octavia: No. It’s not just nothing. Not to me. [Pause.] You know ... Vinyl?
Octavia: [Smiles.] There’s ... actually something I’ve been meaning to tell you.
[DJ-P0n3 coughs nervously. Her voice starts to crack.]
DJ-P0n3: Really? [Clears throat, tries to remain cool.] I mean, yeah. That’s cool. Whatever.
Octavia: Well ... I mean I just wanted to say that ever--
Octavia: Well, it’s just ... I wanted to--
[Frédéric, the dignified Piano player in Octavia’s ensemble,
pops up from the backstage.]
Frédéric: Pardon me, is this a bad time?
[Frédéric raises an eyebrow.]
Octavia: Um ... what is it Frédéric?
Frédéric: I’m afraid we have a problem. We can’t go on yet. Beauty Brass still hasn’t arrived.
Octavia: What?! What’s the hold up?
Frédéric: We’re not sure. We cannot get in touch with her. She should have been here an hour ago.
Octavia: Oh, that’s just great.
Frédéric: I wouldn’t worry, she’s probably just running late. You know Brass. She always waits until the last minute, especially when she insists on lugging that sousaphone around by herself.
Octavia: Yeah ... yeah, you’re probably right.
Frédéric: In any case, we’re going to have to stall. Do you two have any ideas?
DJ-P0n3: I can think of something.
Frédéric: Very well. I will search around her, in case she simply got distracted by a shiny object or something.
Octavia: [Nervous laugh.] R-right. Thank you, Fred.
Frédéric: I apologize for the interruption. [Starts to walk backstage.] I shall allow you two to return to your intimacy.
[Frédéric gives a knowing smile, but says nothing as he leaves. The tape is audio only, but it can be inferred that Octavia’s face is beet red at this point.]
DJ-P0n3: Well ... um ... [Smiles.] Octavia weren’t you saying something?
Octavia: What? Oh. Yeah. Um, well, I ... n-nevermind.
DJ-P0n3: [Muttering under her breath.] Horseapples.
Octavia: Well, what are we going to do now? We can’t go on without our sousaphone player. [Slightly frantic.] And for all I know, Brass could have wandered into the Everfree Forest or something! And every second we don’t play, all those ponies will be more and more disappointed, assuming the Prince doesn’t arrest us first! I--
[DJ-P0n3 gets on hind legs and grabs Octavia by the shoulders, shaking her.]
DJ-P0n3: Listen to me Octavia, calm down!
Octavia: I -- okay, I’m calm. I think--
DJ-P0n3: [Still shaking her.] You have to calm down! Do you hear me?! Get it together!
Octavia: I’m calm now! You can--
DJ-P0n3: Everything is gonna be ok--
Octavia: [Yelling.] Why are you still shaking me?!
DJ-P0n3: Because it’s fun!
[DJ-P0n3 finally stops. Octavia, now slightly dizzy, falls back down in her chair.]
DJ-P0n3: Now don’t worry. I have a perfect plan to kill some time.
Octavia: [Deadpan.] It isn’t about playing your rock opera, is it?
DJ-P0n3: Well ... not anymore. But here’s a better idea. [Over the speakers.] Fillies and gentlecolts, due to some technical difficulties, there will be a short delay starting the show. In the meantime, I’m going to do a very special interview.
Octavia: [Muttering.] Wait, what?
DJ-P0n3: As a special treat to all of you, I, Vinyl Scratch, am going to interview Octavia! With no regard for how personal or intrusive my questions may be!
Octavia: I don’t recall consenting to this.
DJ-P0n3: [Whispering.] Do you have a better idea?
Octavia: Good point.
DJ-P0n3: [Over speakers.] So, what do you listeners think? Doesn’t that sound great?!
[There is clapping and yells of approval from the audience, followed by silence. There’s a distant shout from the back.]
Heckler: Actually, that sounds more like desperate filler.
DJ-P0n3: Well, it’s a good thing I don’t care about that guy’s opinion!
Heckler: I resent that!
DJ-P0n3: So why don’t we get started? [Turns to Octavia.] Okay, so here’s how it’ll work. You be you, and I’ll be me.
Octavia: Sounds difficult so far.
DJ-P0n3: Except you’ll just act like a normal guest.
Octavia: A normal guest on our show?
DJ-P0n3: That’s right.
Octavia: So I guess that means I’ll just sit back and be horrified at the insane questions you ask me?
Octavia: So ... basically I’ll be acting the same way I usually do on the show?
DJ-P0n3: Pretty much. [Settles in chair.] So Octy, why don’t you start by telling our audience about yourself?
Octavia: Well, I’ve been playing the cello since I was a little filly. I love music. I deeply enjoy my job at K-COLT ...
Octavia: Though some mornings I’m not quite sure why.
DJ-P0n3: I think everypony here already knew that.
Octavia: You were the one who asked me that! What do you want me to say?
DJ-P0n3: Well, tell us something we don’t already know like ... what about the other members of your band?
Octavia: Well, my ensemble and I have been together for ... well, as long as I remember. I’ve actually known all of them since I was in high school. There’s Frédéric, who you’ve already met. There’s also Beauty Brass, our sousaphone player. She’s a bit of a scatterbrain, but she’s quite nice. We’ve been almost like sisters for as long as I can remember. Heh, I guess kind of like you and Spitfire.
DJ-P0n3: Really? Did you kiss her then?
Octavia: Shut up. And then there’s Harpo, who plays the harp. He’s sort of the quiet one. Everypony in our group is very nice.
DJ-P0n3: And they’re all very talented. Trust me, I heard them the night before last. [Suddenly angry.] Before they were booted out by that no-good sack of--
Octavia: Now now, Vinyl. [Nervous chuckle.] No need to get into that again.
Heckler: She almost said a naughty word. I’m offended!
DJ-P0n3: [Yelling.] Kid, you are on thin ice! [Clears throat.] Anyway, Frédéric seemed very nice.
Octavia: He’s very gentlecoltly when he wants to be, yes.
DJ-P0n3: And you’ve known him since you were in school?
DJ-P0n3: So ... were you and he ever ...
Octavia: Ever what?
DJ-P0n3: Well I mean, he’s your childhood friend and everything. So it stands to reason that you two could have been ...
Octavia: Oh! [Chuckles.] No, no. That’s ... he’s almost like my brother. That would be weird. Besides I--
[DJ-P0n3 instantly perks up.]
DJ-P0n3: You what?
Octavia: I’m not exactly into, er ... never mind.
DJ-P0n3: No, go on, what were you gonna--
Octavia: [Suddenly overly cheerful.] Hey, let’s change the subject! Did you know I have a cat? I have a cat. Cats are great! Let’s talk about cats instead!
DJ-P0n3: Oooookay. Say, Octavia, why don’t you tell us about your cat.
Octavia: I actually just got her. It’s an orange little tabby cat. She’s a cute thing. Very affectionate. Sweet.
DJ-P0n3: Sounds like she’s the exact opposite of you.
Octavia: [Groans.] You know, at this point, I really should have seen that coming. [Smiles.] But she’s a very nice kitty. The only problem is she has a habit of jumping up and clinging to me. Which she does really well. She has very sharp claws. I know she’s just being affectionate, but it can be very painful.
DJ-P0n3: Much like being in an actual relationship. [Chuckles.] She does sound cute. What’s her name?
[There’s a short pause.]
DJ-P0n3: The name. Of the cat.
Octavia: Oh ... well um, her name is ... [Mumbles something indistinct.]
DJ-P0n3: What was that?
Octavia: Well ...
DJ-P0n3: Come on, what’s her name?
Octavia: [Shrinking down in her chair.] Lil’ Scratch.
[Brief pause, followed by DJ-P0n3 laughing uproariously. Octavia sighs.]
DJ-P0n3: [Crying with laughter.] You’re serious? You named your cat after me?
Octavia: Well, what else would you name a cat that scratches everything?! It seemed appropriate, I-- Stop laughing!
[DJ-P0n3 covers her mouth with her hooves.]
DJ-P0n3: Sorry it’s just ... wow.
Octavia: [Sigh.] Never going to hear the end of this, am I?
DJ-P0n3: Okay, okay, I’m just kidding around. That is honestly a very sweet gesture.
Octavia: [Blushing.] It wasn’t for any specific reason! Like I said, it was just the only name I could think of. It has nothing to do with you.
DJ-P0n3: Riiiight. But you know, because we’re such good friends, I am going to take the high road and not use the ... thousands and thousands of possible jokes I could fill up the next hour with. About you ... petting Scratch. [DJ-P0n3 tries to keep herself from laughing and fails.]
[Octavia groans, hits her head on the table.]
Octavia: Remind me, why are we friends again?
DJ-P0n3: Come on, you know I’m just kidding. But honestly, that is pretty adorable and very nice. Heh, if I ever get a dog, I’ll name it Octy. [Thinks for a moment.] Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea. [Calls over speakers.] SECURITY!
[The sound of footsteps is heard on the tape. Diamond Dog
opens door and sticks head in again.]
Diamond Dog: Yes, Loud Crazy Pony?
DJ-P0n3: Hi there. Just wanted to let you know I’m gonna call you Octy from now on.
Diamond Dog: My names is Rover!
DJ-P0n3: You can be both now.
Rover: [Growls.] We finds that very demeaning. We is not common hounds.
DJ-P0n3: [Grins.] Did I mention that in addition to what I was gonna pay you before, I’m gonna give you a big juicy steak for doing such a good job?
Rover: ...Steak? [Tail wags.]
DJ-P0n3: Mhmm. Now what were you saying?
Rover: We is absolutely common hounds! We do whatever you say, Nice Steak-Giving Pony.
DJ-P0n3: Hehe. No problem. Everypony give a big hand to head of security, Octy-slash-Rover!
[There are polite claps in the audience.]
Heckler: Is the show actually going to start soon? Or do you intend to bring every unnecessary staff member up for a bow?
[DJ-P0n3 pauses for a moment, tapping her hoof on the desk. She wears a grimace on her face that makes it look like she’s going to yell, but instead she spoke far softer than normal.]
DJ-P0n3: [Whispering.] Alright... I think I’ve been patient enough. Nopony talks that way about my crew. [Looks over at Rover.] Did you hear that, Octy? He called you unnecessary.
Rover: [Aghast.] He did?
Rover: [Glaring.] He did, didn’t he?
DJ-P0n3: That’s right.
Octavia: Vinyl, I really don’t think this is--
DJ-P0n3: You know what? I bet he doesn’t like dogs at all. Probably thinks they’re scruffy.
DJ-P0n3: Yep, and dirty too!
Rover: [Barely contained rage.] Dirty?!
DJ-P0n3: Yeah! That’s not a very nice thing to say, is it?
Rover: No, is not! Is terrible thing!
Heckler: Wait, I never--
DJ-P0n3: Oh, now he’s talking back to you!
DJ-P0n3: Are you gonna take that?!
Rover: [Growls.] Grrr, of course not!
DJ-P0n3: [Devious grin.] Well then ... Rover? [Thumps hoof on the table.] Go fetch.
[Rover charges out into the audience. There is some hushed
conversations the crowd. In the background of the tape, the
heckler can be heard.]
Heckler: Wha- hey! What are you doing? Unhand me, you ruffian!
Octavia: Vinyl! I’m surprised at you! That wasn’t warranted.
[DJ-P0n3 shakes her head.]
DJ-P0n3: Yes it was. He can make fun of my show all he wants, but nopony insults my crew. Ever! Same as with that prick Blu-- [Falls silent.] Huh ...
DJ-P0n3: Now that I think about it ... that guy did sound kind of familiar ...
[The heckler can be heard shouting louder.]
Heckler: Get your hands off me! Do you have any idea who I am? ... what do you mean you don’t care?! You little mutt ... yes, I called you a mutt! What are you going to do about it? [Pause.] I-- oh no. NononononoNOOOOOOOOOOOO--
[Again, this tape is audio only. However, according to eyewitness reports, at this point in the recording, a colt was spun around and savagely hurled through the air, over the crowd.]
[The heckler soared in the air for several seconds before
violently crashing into the stage not far from DJ-P0n3 and
Octavia’s booth. A white unicorn covered in dirt and muck rose
from the splintered wood, barely standing on his hoofs.]
Octavia: Prince Blueblood?!
[Everypony in the audience gasps.]
DJ-P0n3: Ha! It was you all along! It all makes sense now!
[Prince Blueblood, still dazed from being the fall, shook his head and glared at DJ-P0n3.]
Blueblood: That’s right. I, Prince Blueblood, have come to finally put a end to your reign of terror!
[DJ-P0n3 stares for a moment, then bursts out laughing.]
DJ-P0n3: Hahaha, oh, this ought to be good!
Blueblood: Oh, you won’t talk your way out of this one! It is time for you to face a true, dignified magnificent hero that will-
[Octavia covers her nose with her hoof.]
Octavia: I’m sorry but ... oh Celestia, what is that smell?
DJ-P0n3: I think its Duke Jerkwad over there.
Blueblood: ... a true, dignified hero that will bring an end to--
DJ-P0n3: [Gags.] Jeez, it smells like something crawled in your mane to die. What is that?!
Blueblood: [Angry.] I am trying to deliver a dramatic boast to herald my heroic deeds! Are you going to let me fini--
DJ-P0n3: Trust me, whatever is causing that odor is way more interesting than anything you have to say. Right, audience?!
[There are murmurs of approval from the audience.]
Blueblood: I- It’s not even that bad an odor!
DJ-P0n3: Compared to what? Road kill?
Blueblood: [Grumbles.] It’s pond scum, alright ... and some rotten fruit ... [Telekinetically flicks some of the filth from his hair.] And I think there’s some skunk spray in there. [Shouting.] Look, that’s not the point here!
Octavia: How did that happen?
Blueblood: I’m glad you asked! [Points hoof at both the hosts accusingly.] It is all because of you two that I smell of commoners and algae! And for that reason, I have come to enact my cunning plan to put a stop to your anarchy once and for all!
Octavia: Anarchy? Excuse me, sir, but all we’re doing is playing music and hosting a show. That’s hardly evil.
Blueblood: You don’t understand, do you? [Sigh.] Very well. I will lower myself to your level and grant you an explanation, since you are clearly too embroiled in villainy to comprehend my motives yourself.
Octavia: Listen, we’re having a concert here. We don’t have time for--
DJ-P0n3: No no, Octy. Let him talk.
Blueblood: Thank you. I see there is some sense left in you.
DJ-P0n3: [Whispering over to Octavia.] Come on, play along. This’ll still buy us even more time. Besides, this is great! I don’t even have to make fun of him. He’s doing all the work for me!
Octavia: [Whispering.] Are you crazy? He could still have us arrested! We should get out of here.
DJ-P0n3: And deprive the ponies of a show? Trust me, we can make this work, just like we always have.
Octavia: But what if--
DJ-P0n3: Okay, how about this? Look at Blueblood. Does he really look like he’s capable of pulling off anything dangerous?
[Octavia looks over at Blueblood, who now has flies swarming
around his dirty mane.]
Octavia: ... Good point.
DJ-P0n3: Right. [Clears throat, speaks up.] So, Prince Blueblood, thanks for coming to our very illegal concert. Please continue with your not-at-all delusional story about how we’re evil and you’re the moral paragon.
Blueblood: [Smiling.] Why yes, thank you, I believe I shall.
Octavia: [Whispering.] D-does he not understand you were being sarcastic?
DJ-P0n3: [Quiet laugh.] I don’t think he gets the concept of sarcasm at all.
Blueblood: [Clears throat.] Do you remember last month when you interviewed my Aunt Celestia?
DJ-P0n3: [Rolls eyes.] No, I had completely forgotten interviewing the ruler of Equestria.
Blueblood: Oh. [Pause, then continues without any irony.] Well, last month you interviewed my--
Octavia: We remember, okay?! What about it?
Blueblood: I listened to that interview. I recall it quite clearly.
Octavia: You actually listened to our show?
Blueblood: I was doing so in an effort to relate to the common folk. Without having to interact with them directly. [Hastily adds.] Not that I have anything against the common folk. I dearly love all the mouth-breathing, inbred masses. It’s just ... I’d rather not touch them.
DJ-P0n3: Of course.
Blueblood: For health reasons! I don’t want to risk catching a disease like the plague or the consumption. Or poverty.
Octavia: [Deadpan.] You’re so down to earth, you know that?
Blueblood: [Without any irony.] Thank you. [Points to DJ-P0n3.] Anyway, after listening to you insult my aunt on live radio, I was shocked! Mortified! Horrified! I could not believe such an anarchist radio show could exist, where royalty could be treated with such little respect!
DJ-P0n3: Heh, yeah, it was pretty awesome, wasn’t it?
Octavia: Vinyl, that’s not funny. You’re lucky Celestia was such a good sport about it.
Blueblood: Yes, my aunty is very polite. She told me not to make a big deal of it, and I tried not to think of it. Then I receive an invite to be interviewed on your show. Now, I am no idiot--
DJ-P0n3: Really? Cause you could have fooled me.
Blueblood: Quiet! I knew all you’d do is mock me for your own amusement.
DJ-P0n3: Well, that wasn’t all I’d do. I had other things planned. [Laugh.] They were great, too. One of them involved bees. Lots and lots of bees. I was sad I couldn’t use that one.
Octavia: Please tell me you’re joking.
DJ-P0n3: Of course I’m kidding! [Pause.] Maybe!
Blueblood: So, I turned down your invitation. I mean, mocking my aunt is one thing, but making fun of me? That is a line that the media should not cross!
DJ-P0n3: There is a thing called “freedom of speech,” you know.
Blueblood: I have nothing against freedom of speech as long ponies say exactly what I want them to say! But even though I didn’t come on your show, you mock me mercilessly for no reason!
DJ-P0n3: [Angrily.] For no reason? Don’t act like the victim here! I have plenty of reasons to hate you! Almost everything you do is horrible and selfish!
Blueblood: [Shocked.] What are you talking about? I am a selfless public servant!
DJ-P0n3: Oh really? What about that time you had an ice skating rink bulldozed so you could build a swimming pool for yourself!?
Blueblood: Hey, that swimming pool was not only for me! It’s a community swimming pool, open to everypony ... provided, of course, that you have a royal invitation, valid government issue ID, and forty bits. But children get in for half-price (as long as I don’t have to look at them), and that is true generosity!
DJ-P0n3: Uh huh. [Over speakers.] What do you ponies in the audience think?
[There are thunderous boos directed at Blueblood. Blueblood
raises an eyebrow, honestly confused. A rotten tomato strikes
Blueblood in the eye. Blueblood sighs.]
DJ-P0n3: Huh. I guess that means they don’t agree with you.
Blueblood: A true visionary is never appreciated in his time.
Octavia: I hardly think canceling a show my ensemble and I poured our heart into counts as being a visionary!
DJ-P0n3: I think it counts more as being a tool.
Blueblood: [Scoffs.] Of course you would say that. After the way you treated me on the air, you expect me to give you audience in my theater?! Simply associating with that DJ has corrupted you. For all I knew, your next performance could have devolved into some undignified hootenanny of glorified rebellion that could spur riots among the carnies and circus folk that compose your show’s audience! [Pause, looks at the audience.] Er, no offense, by the way.
[Someone throws a soda can at Blueblood, which is impaled on
Blueblood: Ugh. But it didn’t matter even then. You refused to listen even then! And on top of that, because of your rude words yesterday, everypony has hurled garbage upon me as if I were a common street urchin! I had a skunk thrown at me! Who does that?! And it’s all because you have turned me a laughingstock!
DJ-P0n3: You turned yourself a laughingstock, Blueblood.
Blueblood: And now, the time for talk has passed! Since both defy me even now, I had to take it upon myself to put an end to this chaos!
DJ-P0n3: [Chuckles.] What chaos? Everypony’s having a good time except you. Everypony wanted to see Octavia’s show, except you. That’s why ponies got so mad at you! Don’t you get that maybe what you think is right might not be good for everyone else?
Blueblood: [Raises eyebrow.] I ... don’t understand the question.
DJ-P0n3: Okay, let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of empathy before?
Blueblood: I don’t believe in voodoo.
Blueblood: But that doesn’t matter now. I’ve already put my plan into action, and I will bring ruin to this concert... er, in the name of justice. And love and stuff.
DJ-P0n3: What plan? You sat in the back and said things that were kind of annoying for a half hour. That only counts as a clever plan if you’re a three year old!
Octavia: [Deadpan.] If he was, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Blueblood: Fools! That was only one phase of my plan! To increase agitation in the simpleminded crowd with heroic taunting!
Octavia: Also, great idea insulting the crowd when they’re all listening right now.
Blueblood: I wouldn’t worry about that. My research indicates the average lower-middle-class Earth pony has an attention span of about three minutes. Much like goldfish.
[Boos from the audience. More garbage is hurled in Blueblood’s
direction, but Blueblood actually dodges this time.]
DJ-P0n3: Okay mastermind, what’s the rest of your plan? Have us arrested?
Blueblood: Um ... no actually. Nothing would make me happier than to have you both jailed without trial and sent to the spice mines for a few decades! But aunty said I’m not allowed to do that. [Stomps hoof and whines.] Never get anything I want...
DJ-P0n3: Hehe, good to see Celestia still has a good head on her shoulders.
Blueblood: So instead, I did the next best thing! Made it impossible for your concert to go on at all! And on top of that, put an end to this experiment called radio!
Octavia: What are you talking about? You haven’t done anything like that!
Blueblood: Haven’t I? I guess it hasn’t occurred to you where your sousaphone player is right now!
Octavia: [Eyes widening.] WHAT!? You know where Beauty Brass is?
DJ-P0n3: Wha, you’re serious? You did that?!
Blueblood: Ha, so now you’re interested in what I have to say? Perhaps I know where she is and perhaps not. You can refresh my memory ... if you play your cards correctly.
Octavia: What did you do to her, Blueblood?! I’m not asking you again!
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, this is not funny!
[Blueblood gives a heartless chuckle and flashes a creepy
Blueblood: No, it isn’t. Do you see the results of your actions now, Vinyl Scratch? Do you see what your insanity drives me to do for the sake of justice?! Hehe, do not worry, your marching band reject is safe. Just ... out of the way.
[Octavia, no longer her calm usual self, is boiling with
Octavia: Tell me where she is, Blueblood!
Blueblood: I intend to. For a price.
DJ-P0n3: You’re holding her ransom? In front of everypony?! [Brimming with disgust.] You really are vile.
Blueblood: If a prince does it, it can’t possibly be a crime. But I’m not a bad guy. I just want things back to normal. So I have very simple terms. I’ll show you where she is, and in exchange, this concert is over. And the deed to K-COLT is signed over to me!
Octavia: How dare you?
Blueblood: Those are the terms. What will you do?
[The entire audience boos, begins throwing pebbles and garbage
at the stage. Blueblood doesn’t even bother moving.]
Blueblood: Go ahead, throw more. I don’t care anymore! I’ll still get what I want. [Stares at Octavia.] So, Miss Octavia, Miss Vinyl Scratch, what will you do?
[DJ-P0n3 says nothing for a long moment.]
Blueblood: Tell me, Vinyl Scratch, how does it feel to be the one rendered speechless for once? Times up! What are you going to do?!
[DJ-P0n3 looks down at the floor, biting her bottom lip. She opens her mouth to speak, but Octavia holds out her hoof to stop her.]
[Octavia speaks in a voice not much higher than a whisper.]
Octavia: I’ve got a better deal...
Blueblood: Oh? And what would that--
[Octavia stands on her hind legs and smashes her right hoof into Blueblood’s face. Blueblood flies back, several of his teeth falling to the floor. Octavia stands over him without an ounce of pity on her face.]
Octavia: Here’s the deal. Tell my where my friend is or I’ll keep hitting you until someone drags me away!
[Blueblood looks up in horror. All confidence that was in his
voice is now gone. He scoots away from Octavia as she
Blueblood: W-what are you doing? What about your friend?
Octavia: Oh, you’ll tell me. [Glaring, gritting her teeth.] I’ll make you sing!
[The color drains from Blueblood’s face as Octavia approaches
[DJ-P0n3 reaches out and grabs Octavia.]
DJ-P0n3: No Octy! You can’t do this!
Octavia: But he has Beauty Brass. She’s probably alone and scared somewhere, for no good reason! She ... [Voice cracking.] She’s my friend.
DJ-P0n3: I know. But you can’t do this. You can’t lower yourself to his level.
DJ-P0n3: Listen, I may be a jerk, but I don’t want you to be one. You’re a better pony than me in pretty much every way. I want you to stay that way.
[DJ-P0n3, for the first time ever, lowers her shades from her
face and peeks over at Octavia with her light red eyes. They
are sincere, heavy with emotion.]
DJ-P0n3: You get it?
[For a moment, Octavia says nothing, before finally nodding.]
Octavia: You’re right. I’m sorry it’s ... I was just so angry. Thank you, Vinyl. You’re right.
DJ-P0n3: I usually am.
Octavia: [Sigh.] As much as I hate to admit it ... I can’t go around beating any jerk up.
DJ-P0n3: That’s right, Octy. [Places shades back over her eyes and flashing a devious grin.] That’s what we have security for!
[As if on cue, Rover the Diamond Dog leaps onto the stage, right by Blueblood, who is still frozen in terror.]
DJ-P0n3: Blueblood, I think you’ve met Octy, er, Rover. Whatever. Rover, are you rabid?
Rover: [Grinning.] Dunno.
DJ-P0n3: Not sure? [False surprise.] Wow, that sounds bad! Blueblood, I suppose you better tell us what we want to know. If not ... well, I don’t think I could stop Rover from making you his new chew toy.
[Blueblood begins to stammer.]
Blueblood: I don’t--she--she’s--
Frédéric: She’s completely fine.
[Everypony looks to the side of the stage, where Frédéric has
returned. Following him is Harpo, the purple harp player in
Octavia’s ensemble. And behind him was--]
Octavia: Beauty Brass!
[A cyan pony carrying a sousaphone approached the stage.
Octavia runs up and gives her a big hug.]
Octavia: Brass, you had me so worried! Where were you?
Frédéric: I appears she was locked in the fillies’ restroom the entire time. She didn’t see who it was, but it appears the culprit has already revealed himself here.
Octavia: [Blinks.] Wait, it took this long for somepony to check for her in the bathroom?
Frédéric: I don’t make a habit of barging into the ladies room. Luckily we were able to hear her from backstage.
Beauty Brass: [Talks in a very loud voice.] I CAN SCREAM REALLY LOUD, YOU KNOW! POWERFUL LUNGS! COMES WITH PLAYING A SOUSAPHONE! [Takes a very deep breath, then speaks in almost a whisper.] Sorry ... been screaming so long it’s HARD TO ADJUST my voice...
Octavia: That’s okay, Brass. I’m just glad you’re okay.
Frédéric: I suspect the Prince’s plan was to flee the second he got the deed, hoping we wouldn’t notice Brass was not that far away the whole time.
Harpo: [Says nothing, nods significantly.]
Beauty Brass: [Glares at Blueblood.] YOU LOCKED ME IN THE BATHROOM! THAT’S SO NOT COOL!
DJ-P0n3: Well, now we just have to figure out what to do with ol’ Blueblood.
Frédéric: [Scratching chin.] I propose we settle it like true gentlecolts.
Octavia: You mean with words?
Frédéric: No. With dueling pistols.
Harpo: [Nods with a grin.]
Frédéric: [Deadpan.] That was a joke.
DJ-P0n3: I think it’s best we just get him out of here. Octy-Rover? Would you kindly take out the trash?
Rover: Of course, Miss DJ Pony!
[Rover throws Blueblood over his shoulder, ready to carry him
[Rover stops. DJ-P0n3 telekinetically picks Blueblood’s teeth
off the floor.]
DJ-P0n3: For the tooth fairy.
[DJ-P0n3 drops them in Blueblood’s hoof. Blueblood glares.]
DJ-P0n3: Oh yeah! And here! [Telekinetically reaches under her seat and throws a glow stick towards him.] Free glow stick!
[DJ-P0n3 chuckles, very pleased with herself.]
Blueblood: ... I hate you. So. Much.
[Rover carries Blueblood off-stage.]
Blueblood: This isn’t over! I’ll be back! You haven’t heard the last of--
[Rover covers Blueblood’s mouth with its paw.]
Rover: Shuts up! Jeez!
[Blueblood is carried off, the entire audience erupts with
applause, shouting “Whoo!” “Yeah!” “You go girl!” and the
Frédéric: Well, after that extremely stupid and convoluted interlude, I think it’s time we finally played.
Harpo: [Closes eyes and nods.]
DJ-P0n3: Your friend seems pretty chatty.
Frédéric: Oh, he can be when he wants to be. Nonetheless, it’s time we all take the stage!
Beauty Brass: YES! I’M SO EXCITED! YAAAAAAAY! [Takes breath, lowers voice.] I mean ... yaaaay~
Octavia: You guys go set up. I’ll be with you all in a minute.
[Frédéric, Harpo, and Beauty Brass all go backstage. Octavia
turns to DJ-P0n3.]
DJ-P0n3: Well ... I sure know how to throw a concert, don’t I?! Fistfights, randsom, disappearances ... just need some rifles and dynamite and we’d be in business! Hahaha...
Octavia: ...were you really going to agree to Blueblood’s deal? You know, back there. Just to save my friend?
[DJ-P0n3 thinks for a minute, then shrugs.]
DJ-P0n3: Doesn’t really matter now, does it?
Octavia: But you would have, wouldn’t you?
DJ-P0n3: [Brief pause.] Some things are more important than K-COLT. Or me.
[Octavia stares for a moment, then shakes her head.]
Octavia: [Smiling.] You really are a big softy, you know that?
[Octavia and DJ-P0n3 both laugh.]
Octavia: You know ... I never did say what I wanted to tell you, before all this.
[DJ-P0n3 stiffens up.]
DJ-P0n3: Oh yeah! I forgot all about that!
Octavia: Well I ... I just wanted to say ... I don’t really get close to a lot of ponies, so I’m really glad I was able to meet you. I didn’t really like you at first, but you are a very good friend. You went to the trouble to do all this just for me and, well ... I just wanted to say ... you’re my best friend, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Wow ... I’m really touched. Thank you, Octy. I’m glad I met you too. You make me want to be a better pony. I really appreciate that ... you know, even if it means I am stuck in the friend zone.
[DJ-P0n3 chuckles. Octavia thinks for a minute, then leans over and gives DJ-P0n3 a small kiss on the cheek.]
Octavia: Well, I don’t know about that!
[Octavia leans back and smiles. DJ-P0n3’s face turns a deep red.]
DJ-P0n3: Um ... I ... I--oh boy--I don’t--wow--
Octavia: Quite a way with words you have there, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: [Nervous giggle.] Why don’t you just go on stage now? I’m going to go drench my head in a bucket of water.
[DJ-P0n3 goes off stage. Octavia goes back stage. Moments
later, the curtain rises. Everypony is at their respective instruments. Octavia is in the center, her bow in her hooves. She smiles out at the crowd as the entire audience claps.]
[Back at the table, DJ-P0n3 goes to the mic and shouts.]
DJ-P0n3: Let’s kick it!
[The concert, “Octaviastock,” was a resounding success, both
critically and commercially. Octavia and her ensemble played
their hearts out, and all members would later agree it was
their most memorable performance.
DJ-P0n3 made back all the bits she spent on the concert simply
on sales of glow sticks alone. DJ-P0n3 said in an interview
later, “that concert was the smartest bad idea I ever had.”
Blueblood tried to sue K-COLT, but was unsuccessful on the
grounds that, according to an Equestrian judge, “Nopony cares
what he thinks.” In fact, Princess Celestia, in order to teach
him a lesson, arranged for him to spend his weekends working
in the spice mine in order to teach him about friendship and
humility. When asked if he learned anything from all this,
Blueblood said it was, quote, “complete bunk.”
Shortly after the concert, DJ-P0n3 and Octavia became
roommates. When asked for more details about this arrangement,
DJ-P0n3 simply smiled and said, “Draw your own conclusions.”
The Vinyl Scratch show continued for a long, long time,
leaving many more episodes to be transcribed.
We shall leave you now with the closing message read at the
end of K-COLT’s broadcast each night.
“This concludes our broadcast day. Good night and good luck.”]
...but Vinyl Scratch and Octavia will return in
“Vinyl Scratch Tapes: Season 2”
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes Season 2
First Transcript: The Second Call-In Show
[In the year 1001 of the Celestian calendar, Equestrian scientists developed advanced magic making it possible to broadcast music over long distances. This innovation led to the creation of the first independent radio station, K-COLT, and the first talk show, “The Vinyl Scratch,” hosted by DJ-P0n3 (aka Vinyl Scratch), and her co-host Octavia.]
[The Vinyl Scratch quickly became the most popular show in Equestria, despite (or perhaps because) of DJ-P0n3’s eccentric, boastful behavior, leading to some of the most interesting, memorable interviews with famous ponies in any media. Their show was also notable in that events of their show’s first season also contributed to mass public disapproval, hatred, and scorn of Prince Blueblood, nephew of Princess Celestia.]
[After initially disliking DJ-P0n3, Octavia eventually warmed up to the strange pony and the two became close friends and eventually roommates, further fueling speculation of the nature of their relationship. Their show continued to be widely popular, Octavia and DJ-P0n3 themselves becoming famous celebrities.]
[After a brief hiatus following the incident in front of Blueblood Theater, The Vinyl Scratch returned for a second season. These episodes were recorded and transcribed for historical significance.]
DJ-P0n3: It’s that time again! All power to amps, fire up the pyrotechnics hotter than the sun, play until your hooves split apart, and blast the volume till it cracks the heavens and the earth! Hail to the good times, because ROCK has got the right of way! It’s time for THE VINYL SCRATCH!
[A record is scratched.]
DJ-P0n3: That’s right! We’re back and louder than ever! [Giggles.] Did you miss me, listeners? I missed you! But don’t worry, we’ve returned to give your lives meaning once more! This is the very first Equestrian talk show with me, the Mad Minstrel Mistress herself, DJ-P0n3!
Octavia: Do you just... have a thing for alliteration or something?
DJ-P0n3: And the pony who just used a word I don’t understand is my lovely co-host, Octavia.
Octavia: [Sigh.] Did you ever pay attention in school for even a ... wait, why am I even asking? Of course you didn’t.
DJ-P0n3: Nope. [Chuckles.] Seriously though, it’s good to be back. Isn’t it, Octy?
Octavia: [Giggles.] Of course it is. As much as I enjoyed our trip, it does feel nice to be back.
DJ-P0n3: For those of you who don’t know, we took a brief hiatus after the concert after we ran into some minor legal issues. Now, we’re all adults here, so I’m not going to name names ... but it’s entirely Prince Blueblood’s fault you were deprived of happiness!
Octavia: Vinyl, calm down. Let’s discuss this rationally.
DJ-P0n3: Yes ... Yes, rationally. [Cough.] What I meant to say is ... you should all go out and tar and feather that little--
Octavia: Vinyl ...
DJ-P0n3: Alright, alright. [Cough.] Well, after that concert we held of ... questionable legality ...
Octavia: Which is to say, no legality at all.
DJ-P0n3: Basically. After that, ol’ Princy tried to have us sued. However, this was quickly thrown out of court due to the fact nopony cares about anything the Prince does or says at any given moment, from now until the end of time. And that’s not just my opinion, that’s what the judge put in the court record!
Octavia: It was ... tiring.
DJ-P0n3: After dealing with all that, we had a bit of a vacation. Me and Octy went to Manehatten for a show her and the ensemble put on. Which KILLED, by the way.
Octavia: Aww, thank you, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: It was just a ton of fun. I even helped a little bit organizing the whole thing and selling merchandise to support the band!
Octavia: I do ... appreciate the thought and enthusiasm Vinyl, but you really didn’t have to make all that merchandise. Part of being a cultured musician is to realize art and music are more important than material gain. In fact, the true meaning of being a musician is to play even in the face of--
DJ-P0n3: Incidentally, if any of you ponies at home would like to buy some stuff, please go to your local retailer and ask for them. If they do not have them, DEMAND them! 100% of the proceeds go to supporting Octavia and her ensemble. We got Beauty Brass brand glow sticks, Frédéric Horseshoepin cups and plates, a photo of Harpo signed by me PRETENDING to be him... you can even buy a t-shirt with Octavia’s face on it!
Octavia: [Facehoof.] Oh Celestia...
DJ-P0n3: Aww, come on, Octavia shirts are cool. Any shirts without your face are therefore lame, so I urge every filly at home to replace their entire wardrobe with these and burn all other clothes!
Octavia: [Deadpan.] She’s joking. Don’t do that. We don’t need more lawsuits.
DJ-P0n3: They’re so cool that I’d be wearing one right now if Octy didn’t ask me not to. Party-pooper.
Octavia: I don’t think it counts as party-pooping. It’s more like ... thinking it’s monumentally creepy to see the pony you’re living with walking around in a shirt with your face on it.
DJ-P0n3: [Gasp.] Oh, so you think I’m creepy now?
Octavia: [Deadpan.] Very.
DJ-P0n3: [Giggles.] Come on, it’s all in good fun. You should wear one!
Octavia: That’s just narcissistic!
DJ-P0n3: Come on, I’d do it!
DJ-P0n3: [Giggles.] It’d be cool for you to wear it! That way it’d be like there’s two of you! [Flirtatious.] Which actually reminds me of that one dream I had where--
[Octavia loudly coughs.]
Octavia: ANYWAY! Why don’t we actually start the show?
DJ-P0n3: Right! Time to get back in action! We don’t have an interview today, but we’ve got some stuff in the works that will knock your socks off! Even if you don’t actually own socks, they will be knocked off! But today, we’re going back to an old favorite. We had so much fun with the first call-in show, we decided to give it another shot! Why didn’t we ever think of doing another one before?
Octavia: Because you threw our last telephone out a window.
DJ-P0n3: Ohhh, right... that did happen. [Pause.] Ah well, good thing we got another one.
[Drops rotary phone on the console.]
DJ-P0n3: So listeners, once again we will be taking your calls! More ponies have telephones than the last time we tried this, so I’m sure we’ll be getting lots of great calls from interesting ponies! Or maybe we’ll just get a bunch of telemarketers. Either way, it’s sure to be exciting!
Octavia: Also, I should mention this phone was provided as a donation by this week’s sponsor, the Ponyville Library. For books of all size and shape and obscurity, just visit the current caretaker in residence, Twilig--
DJ-P0n3: Also, this library has a dragon!
Octavia: Um ... I don’t see what that has to do with the library ...
DJ-P0n3: Because he’s a dragon. And dragons are just ... metal!
[Clicks button, guitar riff.]
DJ-P0n3: So go to Ponyville Library, and see a great big, giant, humongous, terrifying--
Octavia: It’s a baby dragon.
DJ-P0n3: --compact-sized dragon! Ah, well, still cool.
Octavia: Um ... and the library?
DJ-P0n3: Oh yeah. They have like one or two books there too, I guess.
Octavia: Wow, Vinyl, you’re just so good at this advertising thing.
DJ-P0n3: Anyway, time to hit the ground running! Start calling in now! We can’t wait to hear from you. It’s easy, just pick up that phone and dial ... [Pause.] Dial ... ummm …
Octavia: [Deadpan.] It’s 4.
DJ-P0n3: Oh yeah! Just give us a call at 4!
DJ-P0n3: And that sounds like our first caller. [Picks up receiver.] Hello caller, you're on the air with Vinyl Scratch.
[The pony on the other line is a mare who speaks in a very giddy yet heavily slurred speech.]
Berry Punch: [Overly cheerful] Heeeyyyyyy there! :)
Octavia: Oh dear...
DJ-P0n3: Wow, you sure seem to be in a good mood, caller.
Berry Punch: [Giggles loudly] S'cause I like ta have a good time all the time. 'Scuse me for a minute. [Takes sip of drink.] Ah! Theeeere we go. Mah name ish Berry Punch. I ... I run a bar in da town I’m in now... can’t ‘amember which one ... ya know... tha’ one town? With the ... thing? And the guy?
Octavia: [Sarcastic.] Very descriptive.
DJ-P0n3: Ah, a bar! Sounds like you enjoy working there.
Octavia: [Whispering.] No kidding.
Berry Punch: [Giggles.] Ahm I on the radio? Tha’s so cool. Hiiiiiiiii everypony! [Giggles some more.] So coooooool~
Octavia: Umm ... Did you have a question or anything, Miss Punch?
Berry Punch: Huh? Oh! Yes. Yes! It is like ... So good of a question tha’ ... Hang on. [Takes long sip, followed by several gulps] Ah! Okay! I’m ready! [Pause] Wha' was I talkin' 'bout--
Octavia: [Frustrated.] The question!
Berry Punch: Okay, wha' did ya wanna ask me?
DJ-P0n3: I had a question! Where can I get some of ... whatever it is you’re on? Cause it sounds AWESOME.
Berry Punch: I... It’s actually it’s a new drink. My own cre... create... creat... my own thingy tha’ I made. It’s called Punch Berry? [Giggles.] Huh? Huh, ya get it?
Octavia: Um... yeah.
Berry Punch: Cause it’s like mah name.
Octavia: [Deadpan.] I gathered that.
Berry Punch: Tha’s the funny part.
Octavia: Miss, did you actually have a questi-
Berry Punch: Fun tah say too. Punch Berry ... Berry Punch. Punch Punch Punch Berry Berry Punch Punch!
DJ-P0n3: ... Hey, that is fun to say. Berry Punch Berry--
Octavia: Don’t encourage the drunk!
Berry Punch: Hey now! I take offense ta that. That is-- hang on a second. [Long sip.] Ah!
Octavia: Now listen, this kind of subject matter is inappropriate. Fillies listen to this show, you know. We have to be good role models. We can’t glorify drinking.
DJ-P0n3: Oh, you big hypocrite. You drink too!
Octavia: Only after a show! Or sometimes before ... for ... nerves ... very occasionally! And er ... w-with breakfast that one time, look, I’m not on trial here!
DJ-P0n3: [Low giggle.] It makes you get all ... affectionate.
Octavia: [Irritated.] Vinyl!
Berry Punch: [Giggles] Hey. Hey. Hey, Octavia.
Berry Punch: Hey ... hey hey, Octavia, hey. Hey! Hey! Heeeey!
Octavia: [Irritated] What?!
Berry Punch: ... I forgot again. [Laughs]
Octavia: Ugh! Next caller!
[Hangs up, dial tone.]
DJ-P0n3: Well, she was nice.
Octavia: [Deadpan.] Nice and sauced.
DJ-P0n3: Come on, I’ve seen drunker.
Octavia: Like where? [Long pause.] Um ... Vinyl? Why are you staring at me like that?
DJ-P0n3: [Fake innocence.] Oh, nothing~
Octavia: What I don’t ... I don’t get like that!
DJ-P0n3: Do you remember much when you’ve been drinking?
Octavia: Well ... not ... really. [Pause.] It’s ...I can’t possibly act like that. That’s just so undignified and-- stop smiling like that!
DJ-P0n3: [Clearly grinning.] I’m not smiling.
Octavia: I’m looking right at you.
DJ-P0n3: You’re seeing things, Octy. [Chuckles.] Sure you haven’t been drinking?
Octavia: You’re insufferable!
DJ-P0n3: You know you love it.
[Octavia pauses, then clearly tried not to chuckle.]
Octavia: I’ll get it ... [Click.] Hello caller, you’re on the Vinyl Scratch.
[Caller is a vaguely familiar mare with a cool and collected voice.]
Caller: Hey Octavia. Just called to make sure Scratch hadn’t gotten you both evicted yet ...
Octavia: Wha? Who? [Pause.] Wait...
DJ-P0n3: [Excited.] Spitfire?
Spitfire: Last time I checked. [Chuckles.]
DJ-P0n3: Oh, you old mule! I’ve missed you! I haven’t seen you since you helped us move.
Octavia: Speaking of which, I wanted to thank you for the help, Miss Spitfire. I know you have such a busy schedule as it is.
Spitfire: Hey, what are friends for?
DJ-P0n3: Exploitation of cheap labor, of course!
Spitfire: But seriously, I did have a question.
Octavia: Oh! Wonderful. Finally, a proper caller.
DJ-P0n3: Aww, I kind of liked the callers so drunk they can’t walk anymore!
Octavia: [Deadpan.] Only because they’re the only ones who find your jokes funny.
DJ-P0n3: Of course! Why do you think most raves serve alcohol? [Giggles.] Anyway, go on, Spitfire.
Spitfire: Well I was just wondering … what is it like for you guys now? You know, living together now.
[Octavia blushes and stammers for a moment.]
Octavia: Um ... well, that’s ... kind of a ... personal question that I’m not sure I’m comfortable answering in a--
DJ-P0n3: It is sexy beyond your wildest imaginations!
Octavia: VINYL! [Stammers.] T-That’s not appropriate for the radio.
DJ-P0n3: Oh, everypony knows I’m just kidding around. [Giggles.] Besides, it’s not like I said anything embarrassing.
Octavia: There’s nothing embarrassing to tell, really.
[Vinyl is silent.]
DJ-P0n3: Oh, it’s nothing.
Octavia: Oh, don’t try to say that! You’re smirking. You’re thinking of something.
DJ-P0n3: [Trying not to laugh.] No really, it’s ... it’s nothing. I’m ... [Giggles.] I can’t think of anything embarrassing.
Octavia: [Sigh.] Just go ahead and say it.
DJ-P0n3: No no, it’s ... it’s too much. [Giggles.] Besides, you’ll be mad.
Octavia: I’ll be mad if you don’t tell me!
DJ-P0n3: Oh come on, that’s entrapment!
Spitfire: Vinyl feeling bad about something? That’s not a good omen. Maybe we should just--
Octavia: Just. Say. It.
DJ-P0n3: Ooookay, but remember, I warned you ... [Coughs.] So! Spitfire! When you were over, what did you think of Octavia’s cooking?
Octavia: [Shocked.] What?
Spitfire: [Off-guard.] What? Oh. Oh. It was... it was ... good. Really.
DJ-P0n3: Notice the long pause.
Octavia: [Astonished.] I ... there is nothing wrong with my cooking. You said you liked it.
DJ-P0n3: It was ... well ...
Octavia: Well what?!
DJ-P0n3: I’m ... pretty sure most ponies don’t make apple pies ... with mushrooms in them.
Octavia: I um ... might have misread the recipe ... a little ...
DJ-P0n3: You don’t say? I would never have guessed.
Octavia: It... it couldn’t have been that bad. Right, Spitfire?
Spitfire: [Awkward.] Well, it wasn’t ... that bad. I mean ... it had an interesting ... er ... variety. It was certainly ... creative.
DJ-P0n3: Yes. Literally no pony, anywhere else, ever would have thought to do that. I have to give you that.
[DJ-P0n3 lets out a short giggle.]
Octavia: ... [Sigh.]
[Once hearing Octavia’s sigh, DJ-P0n3’s laugh falters.]
DJ-P0n3: [Hesitant.] H-hey. Hey. Don’t take it so hard, Octy. It’s just a joke. We joke on each other all the time. Ha-ha-joke, you know! It’s ... [Softly.] It’s nothing to get upset about.
Octavia: [Sadly.] ... yeah. I know...
DJ-P0n3: Um ... you oka--
Octavia: [Slightly bitter.] Okay, you want to be like that. [Clears throat.] Everypony, let me tell you about some of the things Vinyl likes to do at home ...
Spitfire: Um ... maybe we should just change the subject--
Octavia: Have you ever heard Vinyl sing in the shower? If you haven’t, let me paint a picture for you. Imagine everything good about music, then imagine it being trampled to death, before being drawn and quartered ...
DJ-P0n3: Oh come on, don’t be like that. I’m not THAT bad.
Octavia: It’s like a headache in audio form!
DJ-P0n3: Oh. Oh! Is that what you think?
Spitfire: Um ... guys? Just relax for a minute--
Octavia: If you ever sing in public, it’d be a crime against the state!
DJ-P0n3: [Not paying attention to Spitfire] Now you’re just exaggerating! You said you liked my singing!
Octavia: [Frustrated.] Well, you said you liked my cooking, but I suppose that was just a lie too!
DJ-P0n3: It wasn’t a lie ... just ... enhancing the truth.
Octavia: Yeah, enhancing the truth with lies!
Spitfire: Um ... really, maybe you guys should stop and--
DJ-P0n3: I was trying not to hurt your feelings!
Octavia: Yeah, until you thought it would be funny!
DJ-P0n3: I warned you. And, come on, it was a little funny.
Octavia: Well not to me! I’m not a bad cook! If you want to know the truth, it’s just that I spent half the night wracking my brain, trying to think of something, anything, to make that wouldn’t be completely plain or mediocre! And when I finally did, everything fell apart because I was so nervous, when all I really wanted to do was make something special for our first night in our new home!
DJ-P0n3: [Sincere.] I’m ... sorry, Octy.
Octavia: Yeah, sure you are. [Angry.] And if it was really that bad, why did you nearly eat the whole thing all by yourself?!
DJ-P0n3: Because you made it for me!
DJ-P0n3: [Sighs.] Spitfire, you asked that you wanted to know what it’s like living together with Octavia? For serious?
DJ-P0n3: [Softly.] All joking aside ... I get to wake up every day, living with the pony who makes me the happiest. I get to laugh together with her, joke with her, and just be there with her. Every second I’m with her makes me feel like I’m in front of a cheering crowd after the best set I’ve ever done. I’m ... [Chuckles.] I’m just grateful she somehow manages to put up with me every day without punching me in the face ... I really couldn’t be happier than I am, right now.
Octavia: Vinyl ... that’s ... that was so sweet.
DJ-P0n3: Heh ... sorry to get all sappy on everypony.
Spitfire: Awww ... Vinyl ... you big softy. [Laughs.]
DJ-P0n3: You ... still mad, Octy?
Octavia: No ... I suppose you did try to warn me. I guess if you, of all ponies on the planet, was afraid something you said might go a bit too far, I probably should have listened.
DJ-P0n3: Nah ... I really should have known better. Heh, I think we should all just admit we’re mature adults ... and blame Spitshine for all of this.
Octavia: [Deadpan.] Yes.
[Octavia and DJ-P0n3 start snickering, and after a moment, Spitfire joins in.]
Spitfire: Whew ... you guys are crazy.
DJ-P0n3: Well, you’re the one who hangs around such bad company! [Snickers.]
Spitfire: Bad? No ... you guys are the best.
Spitfire: I guess I better head out.
DJ-P0n3: Keep in touch.
Spitfire: Nothing could keep me from it ... bye you guys ...
[Click, dial tone.]
DJ-P0n3: Well, that was a surprise! It’s always fun to talk to ol’ Spitshine.
Octavia: ... I ... really mean that much to you, Vinyl?
DJ-P0n3: Octy ... [Pause, then a giggle.] It ... just wouldn’t be the same without you, you know?
Octavia: I’m ... glad.
DJ-P0n3: Oops, looks like my plan to snuggle with you in the studio will have to wait for a bit!
Octavia: [Laughs.] Vinyl!
DJ-P0n3: Hello, you’re on the Vinyl Scratch.
[There is a brief pause, followed by the slow clapping of hooves. Clap ... clap ... clap ... the voice that follows is one of a stallion, self-important, smug, and familiar...]
Caller: [Sarcastic.] Bravo, Miss Vinyl Scratch. And you too, Miss Octavia. So ... touching. Sickeningly sweet even. [Sinister.] Or maybe just sick.
Octavia: [Bitter.] That voice ...
Blueblood: Haha! I’m flattered you remember! Yes, it is I, Prince Blueblood. And this time, you will not be able to stop as I deliver the fell hoof of justice upon--
[DJ-P0n3 hangs up. Dial tone.]
DJ-P0n3: Oops, well, would you look at that? We’ve been disconnected. By my hoof slamming the phone down. I guess we can’t--
DJ-P0n3: Hello, you’re on the air with--
Blueblood: [Whiny.] Hey! I know you didn’t just hang up on me!
DJ-P0n3: [Mock sincerity.] Why Prince, I’m shocked you would even think such a thing.
Blueblood: Good, because--
[Hangs up, dial tone.]
[Slams phone down, then rings again almost immediately.]
Blueblood: You little--
DJ-P0n3: [Snickers.] You know, life is pretty good to me sometimes...
Octavia: Vinyl, this is getting absurd! Let me handle this!
DJ-P0n3: Go right ahead.
Octavia: Is this the Prince again?
Blueblood: [Sigh of relief.] Finally, somepony with a brain. Now then, could you kindly tell your insane friend to--
Octavia: Call again and I’ll knock out the rest of your teeth.
[Slams phone down.]
[DJ-P0n3 dies laughing.]
Octavia: Oooooh, that felt good.
DJ-P0n3: Haha! What was that you were saying before about being a good role model?
Octavia: I blame you for corrupting me.
DJ-P0n3: Oh, so suddenly I’m Discord or something?
Octavia: That’s the working thesis, yes...
Octavia: Oh for the love of ... [Click.] What did I just say?! Can’t you take a hint?
Berry Punch: [Hiccup.] Aw, baby, why ya gotta be tha’ way?
[Octavia’s head hits the desk as the phone is softly hung up.]
Blueblood: Yes. Hi. Don’t hang up.
DJ-P0n3: [Dark chuckle.] Gotta say, I love it when you call. I can make fun of you all I want and never once feel guilty.
Blueblood: In all honesty, I probably should have known better. I can’t presume your social graces would mature beyond fart jokes and vulgar grade-school level insults.
DJ-P0n3: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Blueblood: Hmph! Enjoy your immaturity while you can. For you see, K-COLT has just entered it’s winter.
Octavia: [Sarcasm.] Oh no, I’m so frightened.
DJ-P0n3: Yes, we’re totally soiling ourselves in fear over here ...
Blueblood: [Without irony.] And rightfully so!
Octavia: [Sigh.] Still as good at detecting sarcasm as you ever were...
Blueblood: Oh ... [Confused.] Well, thank you for the compliment.
Octavia: No, I was being ... Ugh, you know what, nevermind.
Blueblood: Anyway ... I’m sure you consider yourself clever for squirming through the legal system so well, and leaving me disgraced, humiliated, and forced to work in the spice mines to learn “humility” or some other such gibbersh ...
DJ-P0n3: Haha, yeah, I am pretty awesome, huh?
Blueblood: Well ... until I can become king and repeal such inconveniences as due process, fair trial, and manual labor ... I shall have to do the next best thing. I shall bring K-COLT to its knees with my most ingenious plan yet! Finally, I shall show all of Equestria that you are nothing more than a farce, nothing more than an agent of Discord and menace to all that is just and--
DJ-P0n3: [Ignoring Blueblood.] So Octavia, what were you thinking about for lunch?
Octavia: Well, there is that lovely place on the Boardwalk where--
Blueblood: Hey! I’m still talking!
DJ-P0n3: Your point being?
Blueblood: D-don’t try to play it cool! I know you’re intimidated by the looming threat of my plan!
DJ-P0n3: [Laughs.] Intimidated? You were like ... maybe a serious threat for all of, what, five minutes at the concert?! And then when you tried to pull your last plan, my co-host punched you in the face and you curled up in a little ball.
Octavia: Ah yes ... good times ...
Blueblood: I ... have no memory of any of that happening.
DJ-P0n3: We had it recorded.
Blueblood: Nothing but manipulative editing that I will not dignify with a response. And on an unrelated note, shut up! [Pause.] But that’s fine. Perhaps you won’t laugh when I reveal to you the specifics ... a plan so crafty and righteous that all of--
Octavia: [Bored.] Get on with it or we’re hanging up.
Blueblood: NO WAIT! [Cough, then tries to play it cool.] Ahem. Very well. I will now take this time to announce that K-COLT has been rendered obsolete! For I would like to announce the creation of a new radio station starring somepony far more respected and entertaining ... ME! And once my show takes the air waves, the public will clearly see the show of superior quality and leave you penniless and unwatched! [Maniacal laugh.] What do you say to that, Miss Vinyl Scratch?!
[There is a brief pause, followed by DJ-P0n3 and Octavia bursting out laughing uncontrollably.]
Blueblood: [While laughing continues.] Er ... clearly you are in denial ... [Laughing continues.] I am sure right now the crushing weight of my inevitable victory is ... [Laughing gets louder.] STOP LAUGHING!
DJ-P0n3: [Still chuckling.] Oh, Celestia, are you serious?! You really thought that was going to ... to be an earth shattering event?!
Octavia: That’s just so ... cute.
Blueblood: [Stammering.] C-Cute? CUTE! [Furious.] You ... impudent pieces of gutter trash! Laugh all you want. I’ll show you ... this isn’t just a game to me, Miss Vinyl Scratch and Miss Octavia. Nopony treats me the way you have! I am going to go out of my way to completely ruin you. Even if it takes me a hundred thousand years, even if I have to CLAW my way up your radio tower just to do so, I will not rest until you are a footnote in the pages of history! I will come down upon you like a thief in the night and ...
[On the end of the phone, a gruff stallion voice is heard in the background.]
Gruff Pony: Blueblood! Your break ended a half hour ago!
DJ-P0n3: Wait ... who’s that?
Blueblood: [Embarrassed.] Oh ... I um ... suppose I’m still ... technically at work in the spice mines ...
Gruff Pony: That phone bill is coming out of your pay check! Now get back to work!
Blueblood: [Hopeful.] If I refuse, am I fired?
Gruff Pony: No! Get your pickaxe!
Blueblood: [Angry grumbling.] I have to go ...
DJ-P0n3: Bye Princy! Good luck with your posh lifestyle of self-delusion and digging through dirt clods.
Blueblood: [Pause.] I hate you. You listen to me, I’ll be back! My radio station is nearing completion, and when it does, I’ll--
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, yeah. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
[DJ-P0n3 hangs up, dial tone.]
DJ-P0n3: Well now, that was fun. [Giggles.] Can’t believe he was actually serious. Can you believe that? Prince Bootlick with a radio show ...
Octavia: Yeah ... [Sigh.]
DJ-P0n3: What? ... oh, don’t tell me you’re actually worried.
Octavia: Not really, it’s just ... well, he’s titanically stupid.
DJ-P0n3: Uh huh, just discovering that now?
Octavia: No I mean, he’s stupid enough to try something really ... I dunno drastic. And, idiot or no, he is still a prince. He has the resources to try something. And if he tries to attack my ensemble again, I just ... I dunno, it’s in my nature to worry.
DJ-P0n3: Well, I know we have nothing to worry about.
DJ-P0n3: It’s simple ... I have the utmost confidence!
Octavia: What? In yourself?
DJ-P0n3: No. In us.
Octavia: [Softly.] Vinyl ...
Octavia: That is beyond corny.
DJ-P0n3: [Chuckles.] Yeah, I guess that was pretty bad. Gosh, I’m sappy today.
Octavia: Maybe so ... but you’re right. Thank you, I feel much better ... I think ... perhaps I should do something nice for you.
Octavia: Perhaps ... when we get home ...
Octavia: I’ll ... wear that ridiculous shirt with my face on it.
DJ-P0n3: YES! SCORE! [Chuckles.] Well anyway, everypony, that’s all the time we have today. I didn’t have to throw the phone out the window this time, so we might do this again sometime! Until then, this has been ... THE VINYL SCRATCH!
Document 1678: Partial transcript of phone conversation, recorded from Equestrian Telephone Switchboard 7-A
[Several pages of this document are missing, but the remaining pages have been included in this transcript for historical significance. Use of this document into public record was approved by Royal Seal.]
[FIRST TWO PAGES MISSING.]
Caller A: So that’s the jist of it. I’ve never run a radio show before ... and I’m certain I could if that drooling moron could do it ... but as much as I hate to admit, I can’t do it alone. After all, what is a radio show without a co-host? [Sigh.] Look, I know this might be a bit of an ... odd request, especially considering you’ve sponsored that ... inane program before. But I’ve seen your performances. I know you can captivate a crowd, even despite some recent ... er ... shall we say ... mixed reviews?
Caller B: Hmph! The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie has evolved beyond the need to critics! Trixie is quite reserved and modest towards such pea-brained idiots who wouldn’t know a good show if it came back and bit them in the--
Caller A: As ... I was saying ... I’m willing to offer you a very, very, VERY generous paycheck in exchange for helping me run my own competing show. I believe with you on my side, nopony will be able to stop us. And all you have to do is put on a good show. I don’t think I have to ask if you’re capable of doing that. Besides, this might help you get back on your hooves after the recent unpleasantness.
Caller B: Trixie doesn’t NEED anypony’s help ... but still ... Trixie must admit the idea is interesting ...
Caller A: Think about it ... everypony in Equestria would KNOW your name.
Caller B: Hmm... Princy?
Caller A: Yes?
Caller B: The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie ... thinks this is beginning of a beautiful friendship ... mhahahahahaha MHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Caller A: Was ... the laughing really quite necessary?
Caller B: Shut up.
[FINAL PAGE MISSING.]
[END OF DOCUMENT.]
The Blueblood Tapes
Transcript: First Broadcast
[Crackling sound is heard over the transmission.]
Trixie: No, no, you idiot! That wire connects here!
Blueblood: How would you know? You lost the instructions!
Trixie: All things bow before the magic of Trixie, machines included!
Blueblood: Machines don’t bow.
Trixie: Maybe to YOU they don’t. Now connect that wire!
Blueblood: Why am I listening to you anyway? I’m the Prince and I say we should connect it here--
[Loud electrical shock.]
Blueblood: GAH! Peasant technology!
Blueblood: Who invented this contraption?! I’ll have him deported for this!
Trixie: For what? Inventing something that shocked you?
Trixie: Ugh! Just let me do it!
[Clattering is heard over transmission as wires and scraps of metal are being moved around.]
Trixie: AHA! There! See, it’s easy if you’re the Great and Powerful Trixie. It’s a shame you don’t qualify ...
Blueblood: Hmph! Such manual labor is far beneath my station!
Trixie: We wouldn’t have had to do it if you just brought some servants over.
Blueblood: I would have, but when I ask them to do things like this, they just start going on about things like “overtime pay” and “unionization” and “child labor laws,” it’s all very boring. It’s easier just to do it myself. Honestly, I’d much rather be doing this than mining spice ... [Sigh.] Which reminds me, I have to be at work in a few hours.
Trixie: You know, if you hate working in the spice mines, why don’t you just ... quit?
Blueblood: [Shocked.] And admit there was something I can’t do? Never! Besides ... Auntie Celestia told me to do it and ... I’d rather not make Auntie angry again.
Trixie: Hmm ... Trixie is not sure whether to respect your determination ... or pity your cowardice.
Blueblood: My Auntie once crushed chaos itself. Think about that before you call me a coward.
Trixie: Psh! Such a feat is nothing to the Great and Powerful Trixie. Trixie can fight chaos, darkness, and any other abstract concepts with one hoof tied behind her back! [Pause.] Hmm ... I think we should be transmitting now.
Blueblood: Oh, really? Hm ... perhaps we should test it ... [Clears throat.] Testing ... testing ... 1, 2, 3, obey ...
Trixie: [Chuckle.] Amateur. Let me handle this ...
[Clears throat, scoots mike to her.]
Trixie: [Whisper.] Hello, Equestria. Do you know who this is? You should. [Slowly rising voice.] This is the voice of one who has learned the true name of a thousand beasts. This is the voice of the hero who tamed a dragon with but a stare, defeated the cockatrice of Everfree Forest, and felled a deadly manticore! This is the graceful, elegant champion who saved Ponyville from an Ursa Major! This is the rising star, the thunderbolt, the shout in the dark! Nothing like Trixie has ever graced your ears before and nothing will again!
[Loud electrical shocks are heard as lightning dances off Trixie’s horn into the radio console.]
Trixie: I am GREAT.
[Loud crack of thunder.]
Trixie: I am POWERFUL.
Trixie: I. AM. TRIXIE! AND NATIONAL PONY RADIO IS LIVE! [As loud electrical shocks are heard in the background.] Hahahahahahahaha AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[Laughing falters, as does the sound of electricity. Trixie clears her throat.]
Trixie: Test complete.
Blueblood: ... whoa.
Trixie: Whoa is right.
Blueblood: That was ... that was impressive. [Cheery.] I don’t even mind the ... strong smoking smell that’s coming from the console after you did that.
Trixie: Psh! This console is made of stronger stuff than that.
[Trixie bangs hoof on the console.]
[Loud clattering sound followed loud electrical sound.]
Blueblood: Er ... is it supposed to make that sound?
Trixie: Um ... sure, why not? [Nervous chuckle.]
[More clattering, followed by loud whoomph as console is engulfed in flames.]
Trixie: ... oh my.
[Fire alarm goes off.]
[Flames crackling gets louder.]
Trixie: Uh oh. [Oddly calm.] Perhaps we should ... reschedule this ...
Blueblood: [Yelling in the background.] Quick! We need to smother the flames with something! Get me a blanket! Or an Earth pony!
Trixie: Well um ...
[Flames getting louder.]
Trixie: We’re having some technical difficulties right now. We’ll be right back ... huh ... I wonder if this thing is still transmit-
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes Season 2
Second Transcript: The Band Ensemble Interview
[What follows is a transcript of broadcast 2F08 of the Vinyl Scratch, roughly one week after the second call-in show and several hours after the first transmission from the Prince Blueblood’s “National Pony Radio.”]
DJ-P0n3: It’s that time again! Turn all the speakers up to 11, break out the drums and the electric guitars because we are the spark that lights up the morning! This is ... the Vinyl Scratch!
DJ-P0n3: That’s right, the number one talk show in Equestria that DOESN’T accidentally set itself on fire!
Octavia: Most of the time.
DJ-P0n3: As always, I am your host, the Alluring Artist herself, DJ-P0n3! And with me is my co-host, the best cello player I’ve ever seen, Octavia.
Octavia: I’m the only cello player you’ve ever seen, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Right. So it’s true.
Octavia: Well ... yes, but--
DJ-P0n3: Anyway! We have some big news on today’s show, but first, I might as well talk about what everypony’s wondering about. I’m sure a few of you listeners heard that other garbled radio station earlier this morning ... turns out the Prince wasn’t just talking out of his rear when he said he was making a radio station. We’ll have more on that as it develops ... assuming, you know, their station isn’t still on fire.
Octavia: His co-host reminds me of somepony ...
DJ-P0n3: Hm? What do you mean?
Octavia: Well, let’s see ... she’s obnoxious ...
Octavia: She has an ego the size of the moon ...
DJ-P0n3: Uh huh?
Octavia: And she’s a gigantic hammy unicorn who seems to crave any attention from everypony?
Octavia: This ... you don’t see any similarities between her and somepony else our listeners might be familiar with?
DJ-P0n3: ... Harpo?
Octavia: No it’s not Harp-- you’re just messing with me, aren’t you?
DJ-P0n3: [Grinning.] When am I not?
Octavia: Point taken.
DJ-P0n3: But enough about that! I have much more important news! You might recall last week I helped manage Octavia and her ensemble’s most recent show. Well, it was a big hit!
Octavia: It ... it was a good show, yes.
DJ-P0n3: Octy’s just being modest. Now, not that I’m the type of pony to brag or anything ...
Octavia: Oh, here we go ...
DJ-P0n3: But they are bigger than Celestia now!
Octavia: [Sigh.] I think that’s a bit much, but ... it was a good show.
DJ-P0n3: Yep! In fact, it was so good they’ve been getting fan-mail pouring in non-stop! [Drops a heavy sack of papers by the console.] This one sack is just what came in this morning! [Cheery.] Hey Octy, is it okay if I go through your mail?!
DJ-P0n3: Okay, thanks! [Starts rooting around through papers.] As I was saying, Octavia’s been getting tons of fan mail! And not just the usual letters with ponies asking to marry her!
Octavia: I’m positive most of those were written by you.
DJ-P0n3: And you never replied back! [Mock despair.] How could you leave me out there, alone, in the cold?! Jilted! Shunned! How will I go on?! How?!
Octavia: ... are you done?
DJ-P0n3: That depends. Have I won an acting award yet?
DJ-P0n3: Then no. [Switching back to fake despair.] WHYYYYYY?
[Octavia stifles her laughing.]
Octavia: Seriously though, we should get to the point.
DJ-P0n3: Well, a lot of the letters we’ve been getting are business related. Awesome stuff like billboards ... gigs ... record deals ... and at least one letter wanting to make a comic book where you and your ensemble drive in a van and solve mysteries.
Octavia: What do solving mysteries have to do with music anyway?
DJ-P0n3: What don’t they have to do with it?
Octavia: ... that’s so stupid I don’t know how to respond.
DJ-P0n3: Hurray, that means I win by default! But anyway, I figure since I’ve been helping the ensemble more, I figure it’s appropriate we have a proper interview with the other members of Octavia’s quartet. Trust me, with all of our powers combined, we’re gonna be big. Bigger than cheesy pizza crust! Let’s bring them in!
[Door opens, hoofsteps into the studio.]
DJ-P0n3: Alright! Let’s just introduce them one at a time. First, we have the piano player and lead composer. He’s been called one of the most talented piano players in Equestria, has won several Fancies for his solo work, and he’s an eligible bachelor. Please welcome, Frédéric Horseshoepin.
Frédéric: Charmed. Though I’m not quite sure why it was necessary to mention I was a bachelor.
DJ-P0n3: I’m just trying to help you out, Freddy! Trust me, I know a thing or two about what fillies are looking for. And you’ve got the whole package! You’re cultured, you’re sensitive, you’ve got ... white hair which makes you look distinguished even if you’re not. I mean, you could just sit in a chair and eat out of a can of beans with a spoon, and you’d still look dapper. You just got to put yourself on the market!
Frédéric: You make it sound as if I’m a slab of meat to be put on display.
DJ-P0n3: Yes, that’s exactly how it works!
Octavia: How romantic.
DJ-P0n3: Aww, don’t worry Octy. You’ll always be my slab of meat!
Octavia: Um ... thanks. I ... think?
DJ-P0n3: Next up, we have the sousaphone player and close personal friend of Octy. You may remember her from the concert we did where she was locked in the bathroom by a certain Prince Blueblood, who shall remain anonymous. She’s a lot of fun to be around! Please welcome, Beauty Brass.
Beauty Brass: HI EVERYPONY!
[Horribly loud electrical feedback.]
Octavia: Umm... Beauty? You don’t have to yell into the microphone.
Beauty Brass: REALLY? [Loud feedback.] Um ... I mean ... really?
Octavia: Um ... let’s just scoot the mic a bit farther away.
Beauty Brass: THAT’S A GOOD IDEA! IT’S always hard to ADJUST AFTER PRACTICING!
Octavia: Hehe ... sorry, Vinyl. You’ll get used to that eventually.
Beauty Brass: I’M SORRY!
DJ-P0n3: No, I like that! I like loud stuff! I mean, after all, I blast loud rock n’ roll and techno all the time. The loudest music is always the most popular, so, logically, being loud is just ... cool.
Octavia: There was nothing resembling logic in--
Beauty Brass: [Big smile.] HOORAY, I’M POPULAR!
DJ-P0n3: And then finally, we have the harp player of the ensemble who is also a talented composer in his own right. He played in his first concert hall when he was still in grade school, had a record released of his harp playing when he was only a few years old, and has won several Fancy music awards. He’s also quite the motormouth. Please welcome, Harpo Parish Nadermane. Say hi, Harpo.
Harpo: [Says nothing. Nods.]
Octavia: Hehe, well, Harpo’s never been much of a talker.
Frédéric: It’s true. Always the quiet one. He’s been that way as far back as I can remember. Even I find it hard to figure out what he thinks sometimes ...
Beauty Brass: BUT HE’S STILL A SWEETIE.
Beauty Brass: ... I DIDN’T ... ahem ... I didn’t say that out loud, did I?
DJ-P0n3: You did. Loudly.
Beauty Brass: Um ...
Octavia: Perhaps we should change the subject.
DJ-P0n3: Oh, alright. So ... how did you all get together? Octavia mentioned you all got together in high school, but that’s pretty much all I know.
Octavia: Well, as I mentioned before, Beauty Brass and I have been friends since we were in grade school. We knew each other long before we both got into music and got our cutie marks.
DJ-P0n3: Aww, that’s so cute. [Giggle.] I can just imagine you and Beauty Brass doing all kinds of girly-girl stuff when you were really little. Bet you did stuff like ... play tea party and stuff.
Octavia: I ... heh, I was above such infantile things.
Beauty Brass: YEAH, WE PLAYED PRINCESS INSTEAD!
Octavia: Well, it’s better than being a criminal like you were as a filly.
DJ-P0n3: Hey, it’s okay. We all played silly games like that as kids. I mean, I used to play doctor with Spitfire all the time.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, I would pretend I was a surgeon, and Spitfire would pretend to have like persistent pegasus paralysis or something. Then I’d pretend to saw her leg off and I’d have to go before the medical board for malpractice. It was awesome.
Octavia: Oh. [Pause.] Of course. I thought you meant ... nevermind. [Cough.] Anyway, I didn’t meet Frédéric and Harpo until high school, when we were all in band class. Frédéric and Harpo were very nice. They even tried to make friends with me even after I ran into some ... unpleasantness when I first started band.
DJ-P0n3: Oh? What happened?
Octavia: Well ... I really enjoyed everypony in band class ... but the instructor we had was a truly horrible old stallion. He was very rude ... on one of my first days, I missed a note playing cello and he just ... laid into me. Admonishing me for such mediocre cello playing. I was very ... sensitive about my music playing and I nearly started crying. Beauty Brass tried to comfort me, but I was still really upset. And then Frédéric, who I had never even spoken to before, stood up and said ... [Chuckles.] Do you want to say what you called him, Frédéric?
Frédéric: I’m fairly certain you can’t say it on the radio. [Pause.] I think we actually had our first real conversation in detention afterwards.
Octavia: Then after that we all hung out all the time and Frédéric actually suggested we join up with him and Harpo.
DJ-P0n3: Oh, so he and Harpo had already teamed up before that? How did that happen?
Frédéric: Well ... there’s a story there. Isn’t that right, Harpo?
Harpo: [Says nothing, smiles.]
Frédéric: Ah, you’re smiling. I know you remember too.
DJ-P0n3: Well, out with it then!
Frédéric: Well ... it began as most stories do, with a young colt’s dream being trampled upon.
DJ-P0n3: ... so this story is going to be a feel-good comedy romp?
Frédéric: I had always loved music, as long as I can remember. The first gift I remembered getting was a tiny piano. I loved playing it ... even if it took me quite a while to become competent at it. I had even tried to write my own compositions. Many were bad ... many, many, MANY of them were bad. Nothing but meaningless noise.
Octavia: Not unlike the music Vinyl likes.
Frédéric: Quite right.
Frédéric: But eventually I got better. Nothing exactly award winning, but good for a little foal. My parents moved to Canterlot when I was in the first grade and when I went to my new school, I was excited to see there was a music class. A music class that put on recitals! I had dreamed of playing one of my compositions before an audience for so long! So, my very first day, I took one of my better pieces--one of the ones that didn’t sound like a cat dying a sad, lonely death--and presented it to the music teacher. And I asked if I could play it at the next recital, making sure to turn on the ever-manipulative puppy dog eyes.
DJ-P0n3: That’s an important skill. I try it on Octy all the time. It’d work if she wasn’t such an ice queen.
Octavia: No, it’d work if you remember to take your sunglasses off before giving the stare.
DJ-P0n3: I can’t just take these off anytime. They’re prescription!
Octavia: Oh that’s just ... wait. Really?
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, why else do you think I wear them at night?
Octavia: Because you do a ton of weird things I don’t question! [Pause.] Wait, why don’t you just wear normal glasses instead?
DJ-P0n3: Because I do a ton of weird things you shouldn’t question.
Beauty Brass: GESUNDHEIT.
Frédéric: But, puppy dog eyes aside, it was to no avail. She said “I’m sorry, Freddy, but we already have a composer.” I asked who ... and it was at that point she pointed to the quiet colt in the corner with the harp.
Harpo: [Says nothing, grins.]
Frédéric: Now, I was only a child, not a fraction of the gentlecolt I would become, so I narrowed my eyes and said “So? What makes him so great?” And the teacher pointed at his flank.
DJ-P0n3: What, he was great because he had a nice flank?
Frédéric: What? No!
Beauty Brass: WELL, MAYBE.
Beauty Brass: [Blushing.] Oh dear ... I was TRYING to whisper that ...
Octavia: You can’t whisper!
Frédéric: As I was saying ... what she was truly pointing at was his cutie mark. I was stunned. We were in the first year of school! NOPONY had their cutie mark yet. It was impossible. I learned that Harpo was essentially a child prodigy. He had already played in concert halls, at such a young age, and everything he played was music he’d written himself. I couldn’t believe it. How could somepony be so ... so far ahead of me, after how hard I had slaved over that piano? It had to be wrong. I said, “I bet that cutie mark isn’t even real! It’s probably painted on!” So I ran right up to Harpo as he was playing his harp, and tried my best to wipe off the fake cutie mark. No matter how hard I tried, it stayed on. It was real, of course ... I was shocked. At this point I realized everypony was staring at me ... and that to the outside observer, it looked like I had just rubbed Harpo’s flank.
DJ-P0n3: Pfft! Hey, I think Beauty Brass might be jealous of you now, Freddy.
Beauty Brass: I-I AM NOT. REALLY ... SHUT UP!
Frédéric: I looked up at Harpo. He said nothing, only raised his eyebrow. I laughed nervously and ran away. [Sigh.] So despite being horribly embarrassed, I kept going to music class. They of course let me play piano ... but I couldn’t play my own compositions. After all, Harpo was practically famous, so he was quite the draw at music recitals. And the worst part ... at least to me at the time, was that he was good. Not just good, magnificent. His music was beautiful and the way he played a harp ... I never much cared for the harp, but he made it sound ... angelic. I suppose I should have admired him ... but all I held back then was resentment. I wanted to topple a giant ... and I could hardly have a chance to even nip at its heels.
Harpo: [Says nothing, blinks.]
Frédéric: It was ... quite frustrating. All I wanted was a chance to prove myself, a chance to become great ... nopony is going to remember a piano player who only plays “Camptown Races.”
DJ-P0n3: That’s ... a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I mean, you were just a kid.
Frédéric: Perhaps ... but then, I was ... not the happiest child. [Sadly.] But that is what drives some musicians ... or at least me. The pressure to become great ... and the fear of being forgotten...
DJ-P0n3: ...yeah. You’re right...
DJ-P0n3: [Perks up.] Hm? Oh! Sorry, lost my train of thought. Haha!
Octavia: ... a-alright.
Frédéric: But, regardless of that, I still persisted. I wrote music all the time, sometimes staying up all night to do so. Whenever I thought of quitting, I thought of Harpo. How long did he work on his? How many sleepless nights had he had? I wanted to think he slaved as hard as I did ... but my greatest fear was that it all came easy to him. What if it came easy to all those with talent? I didn’t know, I was just a child ... I was afraid that I was working so hard for something I could not achieve ... and that I was nothing but a fool. But I was more afraid of quitting.
Harpo: [Says nothing, scoots chair closer to Frédéric. Pats him on the back with his hoof.]
Frédéric: [Smiles.] Thank you.
Frédéric: Where was I? Oh yes! [Chuckles.] Well, this went on for some time. Then one day, I showed the teacher more of my arrangements, some I was especially proud of. There was a big recital coming up very soon, so I begged her to just use one, just this once ... but I got the same dismissal I had before. It bothered me far more than usual. Instead of blaming the teacher, I blamed Harpo. He was in the corner, quiet as always, playing his harp. So I marched up to him, clutching the compositions in my hoof, and I shouted at him. I screamed at him like the idiot child I was, saying I was tired of his attitude, that he was stuck up and that the music he’d written was lazy and his harp playing was mediocre and that he had no talent. It was all lies ... unfair lies ... but I was so furious I did not care. He said nothing, as per usual for Harpo. I shouted “And don’t give me the silent treatment! I know you can talk! Don’t mock me! Say something! ANYTHING!” Harpo looked at me hard for a moment, then he just smirked ... and stuck out his tongue. And then I punched him.
DJ-P0n3: You punched him? That’s ... a little violent for you.
Octavia: I know. When I first heard this story, I couldn’t believe it either.
Frédéric: Yes ... well, I wasn’t born a gentlecolt, after all. [Cough.] I realized this was a brash, idiotic idea a few seconds later, when Harpo glared at me and bit me in the shin.
Frédéric: Yes, as I recall that was my reaction as well. [Chuckle.] It was the only fight I had ever been in. There was no style or grace, no concept of what was fair. We bit, kicked, head-butted, aimed for ungentlecolty anatomical targets, threw percussion instruments at the other’s head ... heh, I think we ended up destroying half that music room before they finally pulled us apart and sent us to the principal’s office. My snout was bleeding and there was an uncomfortable ringing in my ears, but I didn’t care. I was still mad.
Frédéric: We sat next to each other in the office, not acknowledging each other except through glares. Finally as I was waiting, my anger faded ... and I began to think of what I had done. After starting such a commotion, making a fool of myself in the music room ... there was surely no way they would play my work now. I looked at my work, music that I thought would never be heard outside of my own head ... and as much as it shamed me, my eyes began to well with tears. Harpo only stared at me, but I turned away ... and dropped all that I had written in the garbage.
Frédéric: We both ended up suspended for several days. But then something very peculiar happened. On the day I returned from my suspension, Harpo did not. He had called out sick, but nopony worried. Surely he would be back soon! After all, the big recital was coming up ... then he was out the next day. And the next. And the next. And then everypony worried, especially the music teacher. Without Harpo to compose something, they had nothing. And it didn’t help that the school advertised prominently the child prodigy would be playing. What little confidence I had left stirred. I said I already had the perfect piece at home and could bring it in tomorrow. The teacher finally said yes! And I was happy ... of course, by that point I had thrown away everything I had before, so I spent that whole night writing something new ... and I thought it was my best work.
Harpo: [Says nothing, but there is a glimmer of nostalgia in his eyes.]
Frédéric: Finally, it was the night of the recital, but still nopony had seen Harpo. I ... finally got to hear everypony play my music ... I got to play something on the piano that I had written myself ... and at the end, there was a standing ovation. I stood there, overwhelmed ... hardly even noticing that my cutie mark had appeared the moment I finished. Even after all the shows I’ve ever done, all the places I have ever played ... nothing compared to the feeling I had there, in that auditorium ...
DJ-P0n3: That’s ... that’s really sweet.
Octavia: Yeah ... it’s a great feeling. You never forget the first time.
DJ-P0n3: [Stifled laughter.]
Octavia: What? Did I say something funny?
DJ-P0n3: [Sweetly.] Oh, nothing.
Octavia: Oh, don’t play innocent. I’ve known you long enough to know there isn’t an innocent bone in your body!
DJ-P0n3: Not true! My femur is plenty innocent!
Octavia: I’m ... shocked you even know that word.
DJ-P0n3: Learned it from playing doctor.
Frédéric: Anyway ... as I was leaving the show, who should I see as I walked out but Harpo. He walked up to me and gave me a little bow. I was so surprised to see him I temporarily forgot how mad I had been before. I said, “I thought you were sick.” Then, to my complete and utter shock, he smiled up at me and said, “I lied.”
DJ-P0n3: Wait, wait ... hang on ... he said that?
DJ-P0n3: He said words? Like ... with his mouth?
Octavia: That is the traditional way one does that, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Well ... I just kinda thought he was mute.
Frédéric: So did our entire school. He can talk just fine. He just doesn’t.
DJ-P0n3: And ... wait a minute. He faked being sick? Why?
Frédéric: I wanted to know the same thing. So I asked. And he said--
Harpo: [Coughs, clears throat.]
Beauty Brass: ...HARPO?
Harpo: [Whisper.] Perhaps ... I should tell it ...
Frédéric: ...heh. I guess that’d be appropriate.
DJ-P0n3: Whoa! Um ... yeah, go ahead, Harpo. Do you still remember what you said?
Harpo: [Whisper.] I cannot forget. I told Frédéric how I had seen him cry. I told him I had pulled what he had written from the garbage. I read them. I could hear the music in my head ... and it was good. I am a composer myself and I know the work that goes into it. I could feel the hard work and toil that went into it. I felt that the colt who had fought me was my equal, somepony who shared the same drive I did, and I could not hate him because we are the same. He deserved a chance. I faked sick so that he could have that chance. He took it. And he performed better than I ever could.
Frédéric: I didn’t know what to say. For a moment, I was angry. In my pride, I felt like I was forced to take charity from Harpo. I opened my mouth to say something, but before I could, he laid something down at my hooves: the compositions I had tossed away. Do you remember what you said, Harpo?
Harpo: [Smiling.] I do. I said, “And if you ever throw anything so beautiful away again, I will bite your shin off next time.”
Frédéric: I looked at him, then I looked at the papers, then back at him. All of my anger was gone. I ... didn’t know what to feel. So eventually, all I could say was “Thank you.” And after that, we were inseparable. We played together, we composed together ... and the rest as they say is history. Harpo is, and always shall be, the best friend I’ve ever had.
Beauty Brass: [Sniff.] THAT’S STILL SUCH A BEAUTIFUL STORY! DO YOU NEED A HUG?
Frédéric: No I think I’m--
Beauty Brass: HUG!
[Beauty Brass leaps over and hugs Frédéric and Harpo.]
Beauty Brass: YOU ALL ARE MY BEST FRIENDS TOO! [Squeezes tighter.]
Frédéric: [Trouble breathing.] Help ... me ...
DJ-P0n3: [Grinning.] Oh ... I think we can help. Right, Octy?
Octavia: I suppose we can.
DJ-P0n3: GROUP HUG!
Frédéric: [Strained laughter.] Not what I meant.
[DJ-P0n3 and Octavia join in the hug.]
Octavia: Aww ... this is nice ...
Frédéric: [Strained.] So is breathing ...
[Everypony stops hugging.]
Frédéric: [Deep breath.] Alright then ... choking aside, that was very nice. Heh, I hope my story wasn’t too dull.
DJ-P0n3: Not at all, Freddy. It was quite good! [Grins.] Not to mention this story is going to make you mad popular with the fillies.
Frédéric: Really, I’m not too concerned about--
DJ-P0n3: Every filly out there, if you see Frédéric walking around, you should give him a big hug! Or whatever else feels appropriate!
Frédéric: ... oh dear.
DJ-P0n3: Don’t worry, Freddy. I’m gonna take you under my wing. I’ll get you the hook up. I know lots of fillies who aren’t picky and are eager to make bad decisions!
Frédéric: ... is there a way to get out of this?
Octavia: Well, it’s Vinyl, so ... no.
Frédéric: I see. [Sigh.] Well, I suppose we should probably be going. I have to look over a few of those contracts we were sent. [Door opens.] This was ... quite fun. We should do this again.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah ... we should.
[Hoofsteps, door closes.]
Beauty Brass: I SUPPOSE I SHOULD GO TOO! THIS IS SO MUCH FUN! I LOVE BEING ON THE RADIO!
Octavia: Yes ... we’d love to have you back just ... try to work on that volume problem.
Beauty Brass: OKAY! I SHOULD [Cough.] I mean ... yes ... I should work on that. We should go now though.
Beauty Brass: SO! [Cough.] I mean ... so ... Harpo?
Harpo: [Perks up, interested.]
Beauty Brass: Well, I was wondering ... well ... maybe if you weren’t ... doing anything later maybe you wanted to...
[Door closes, Beauty Brass’s words become indistinct.]
Octavia: Well ... I hope all of you listeners enjoyed hearing the rest of my ensemble. They are quite a bunch. Right, Vinyl?
Octavia: [Softly.] Vinyl?
DJ-P0n3: Oh, sorry. Hehe ... sorry. It’s just ... [Voice becomes softer.] That story really made me think.
DJ-P0n3: I mean ... Freddy was that sad as a kid and nopony ever knew ... and he was so afraid of being forgotten. He lashed out and ... heh, kind of acted like a jerk and ... and didn’t really feel whole until he found a friend. It just made me think about ... things.
Octavia: Nopony would ever be able to forget you. No matter how much they tried. [Smiles.] Especially not me.
DJ-P0n3: ... heh. Octy?
DJ-P0n3: I’m ... glad I picked you as my co-host.
Octavia: So am I ...
DJ-P0n3: Heh ... well, I suppose we should wrap things up. [Perks up.] Hang on! We can’t end the show without having a big laugh at the end!
[Door pops open.]
Beauty Brass: OCTAVIA! OCTAVIA, I HAVE A DATE! [Bounces up and down.] I HAVE A DATE, I HAVE A DATE, I HAVE A DATE, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
[Horrifying electric feedback, sound of a speaker blowing out.]
Beauty Brass: Oops ... was that bad? That sounded bad.
DJ-P0n3: [Smiling.] Yep, that’ll do nicely. That’s all the time we have for tonight! G’night everypony!
The Blueblood Tapes
Transcript: Second Transmission
[Crackling sound is heard over transmission.]
[Fire extinguisher is being blown with Blueblood’s telekinesis.]
Blueblood: [Out of breath.] Ugh ... ugh ... okay ... I think that’s the last of it. Phew ...
[Fire extinguisher is put on the floor with a clank. Blueblood sits down. Trixie sits next to him.]
Blueblood: ... you alright?
Trixie: [Curtly.] Yeah. Yeah, whatever.
Blueblood: What’s your problem?
Trixie: What do you mean “what’s my problem?” Everypony listening is going to think Trixie’s a complete fool for setting a fire! They’re probably still laughing right now!
Blueblood: Well ... um ... well, yes, if I had to pick a problem with the broadcast, the fire would definitely be among them.
Trixie: GRR! Just leave Trixie alone, okay? You’re not helping! [Bitter.] As if Trixie needed more ponies laughing behind her back.
Trixie: [Angry.] Nevermind! Just ... [Sigh.] Just forget it.
Blueblood: Um ... [Clears throat.] You know ... all this hard work and attempted arson must have made you hungry. Would you ... I mean, perhaps it would be best if we got something to--
Trixie: Are you seriously asking Trixie out after making fun of her?
Blueblood: [Genuinely shocked.] I ... I thought humor would lighten the mood a--
Trixie: How dare you? How dare you laugh at Trixie?! Have you any idea how long I prepared that speech?! The work I put into it? Do you know how much showstopping power I put into that only to have it blow up in my face? Do you have any sense of decency? Do you ever think?!
Blueblood: [Stammering.] I’ve ... dabbled.
Trixie: Grr! You’re impossible! [Gets up from chair.] Trixie is going home. She shall entertain more of your idiocy tomorrow ... if you’re lucky!
Blueblood: But I was just trying to--
[Door opens, then slams.]
Blueblood: ... FINE! [Bitterly.] Be that way! Go on! I don’t care! I ... [Voice falters, becomes a soft whisper.] I don’t care at all ...
[At this point in the recording, Blueblood apparently notices the console is active.]
Blueblood: Oh ... oh dear. Um ... [False pleasantry.] Tune in tomorrow for another installment of the Prince Blueblood Show on National Pony ... [Stops, and sighs.] Just ... forget it.
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes Season 2
Third Transcript: The Luna Interview
[What follows is a transcript of episode 2F07, one day following the interview with Octavia’s ensemble and the first broadcast of rival radio station, National Pony Radio.]
Octavia: [Imitating Vinyl’s voice.] Good morning, Equestria! Time for me to say something over-the-top that makes no sense and use the word ROCK a lot because of my limited vocabulary! It’s time for ... THE VINYL SCRATCH!
Octavia: That’s right, the Vinyl Scratch. A show that is the brainchild of me, the Elegant Elitist Egotist herself, DJ-P0n3!
DJ-P0n3: [Imitating Octavia’s voice.] And I’m Octavia, the prissy assistant who likes to speak in an overly dignified manner to try to make myself seem mature, when I truly enjoy my cohort’s antics.
Octavia: [Stops impression, chuckles.] That’s actually not a bad impression.
DJ-P0n3: [Still imitating.] In fact, I enjoy everything about Vinyl, that charismatic filly. Her talented wordplay, her angelic voice--
Octavia: Uh huh, okay, joke’s over.
DJ-P0n3: [Octy voice.] Sometimes when I see Vinyl, I indulge in certain ... thoughts.
Octavia: Ha, okay Vinyl, that’s enough.
DJ-P0n3: [Not stopping.] Those red eyes, that blue mane ... she just seems so virile--
DJ-P0n3: Oh, come on, I’m just kidding around.
Octavia: Just because you think something is fun doesn’t mean everypony else does!
DJ-P0n3: Yes it does.
Octavia: [Sigh.] It’s like talking to a child.
DJ-P0n3: [Teasing.] I know you are, but what am I?
Octavia: A moron.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, but I mean besides that?
Octavia: Let’s just get on with the show.
DJ-P0n3: Alright! Well, first of all, I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate Octavia and her ensemble on their recent ascent to godhood!
Octavia: Um ... I think you might be overstating it a bit.
DJ-P0n3: Maybe a little. You see, her ensemble (under the management of yours truly) has signed a big deal with Stallion Stereophonics! It’s a big step for them and they should feel very proud!
Octavia: [Nervous laugh.] Well, it is ... a big opportunity, to be sure.
DJ-P0n3: What’s wrong? You still feeling iffy about this?
Octavia: Well ... I dunno. I’ve never really been in it for the money. It’s about the music.
DJ-P0n3: That’s very true... buuuut it’s nice to have both. Like ... one is good, but both, that’s awesome. Just saying. Besides, it’s not really about money! It’s more about getting your name out there!
Octavia: [Dryly.] Yes, because being on the most popular show in Equestria isn’t enough exposure.
DJ-P0n3: Oh ... yeah. But still!
Octavia: Listen, I am very grateful for all your help, Vinyl. And I do realize this is a big step for us. It’s just ... it feels weird. Our ensemble has been playing for a while, yes, but ... we were never widely popular until the concert. I’ve always been used to ... struggling, I guess. I suppose it’s a bit weird to think of myself something other than, well, an underdog.
DJ-P0n3: Hm ... I guess that could be a bit strange. But the thing about underdogs is that they always win in the end!
Octavia: Well ... either that or fall into obscurity and depression.
DJ-P0n3: Heh, gotta love your cheery outlook on life sometimes, Octy.
Octavia: [Chuckle.] You have enough dumb optimism for the both of us, Vinyl.
Octavia: [Quietly.] But ... I realize my ensemble and I wouldn’t be at this point if it wasn’t for you and this show. So I just ... I just wanted to say ...
DJ-P0n3: Just give me a hug, stupid.
Octavia: You’re impossible.
DJ-P0n3: Heh ... guess I am.
Octavia: [Pause.] Um ... didn’t we have a show?
DJ-P0n3: [Wistfully.] Yeah ...
Octavia: Then you should probably stop hugging me now.
DJ-P0n3: Wha- OH. Oh right ... [Nervous cough]. Right then. The interview. Yeah. We should like ... do that thing.
Octavia: [Chuckles.] Way to stay professional, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Anyway! All you listeners are in for a treat today! We have a show unlike any other! We have the one, the only, Princess of the Night! That’s right, we have Princess Luna here for an interview! Are you excited? I sure am!
Octavia: Yes, because the last time we had a Princess here, that went so well.
DJ-P0n3: [Nervous chuckle.] Heh, yeah ... well, that’s all in the past! This time will be different! Seriously, it’ll be awesome! She’ll be able to set the record straight, we’ll all laugh and make friends, I’ll show her my rock opera ...
Octavia: Oh dear. No. No. Just ... no.
DJ-P0n3: What? Why?
Octavia: Because there are laws against cruel and unusual punishment.
DJ-P0n3: Well, we’ll just see what she thinks herself. Please welcome ... Princess Luna!
DJ-P0n3: Ahem ... Princess Luna!
DJ-P0n3: Princess Luna? [Whisper.] Uh oh.
Octavia: Um ... are you sure she’s here?
DJ-P0n3: Of course she is! I mean, every guest before has always been on time!
Octavia: So ... you didn’t actually check?
DJ-P0n3: Well ... not as such, no.
Octavia: You mean you don’t check if our guests are here before we go on the air. Ever?
DJ-P0n3: Um ... heh, well it sounds bad when you say it like that.
Octavia: So ... let me get this straight. You mean every single show, you’ve never checked to see if our guests actually showed up first? You just loudly said their name and they always walked in? Is that what you’re telling me?
DJ-P0n3: Yes. That’s basically the jist of it.
Octavia: How do you function like this?!
DJ-P0n3: Pretty good, apparently.
Octavia: GAH! [Head hits the desk.]
DJ-P0n3: So um ... sorry for the technical difficulties, folks ...
Octavia: [Muttering.] More like mental difficulties.
DJ-P0n3: Heh ... well, we’re gonna put some music on while we sort of ... figure out what’s going on. Don’t touch that dial. You’re listening to THE VINYL SCRATCH!
[Cuts to music.]
The Blueblood Tapes
Transcript: The Argument
[Crackling sound heard over transmission.]
[Door swings open.]
Trixie: [Grumbling.] Not sure why I even bother showing up early. Probably isn’t even here yet, that miserable sack of--
Blueblood: Hello, Trixie.
[Sound of cider being poured into glass.]
Trixie: [Shocked.] Prince?! Oh ... [Clears throat.] Trixie didn’t expect to see you here so early. You’re lucky the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie returned at all.
Blueblood: [Dejected.] Lucky? Me? Heh ... you clearly don’t know me that well. [Takes sip of cider.]
Trixie: Um ... [cough.] Are ... are you drinking?
Blueblood: No, I’m knitting a quilt, yes I’m drinking. [Takes sip.] Was that good? I’ve been practicing my sarcasm. Was that funny?
Trixie: [Uncomfortable.] Not ... not as such, no. [Tries to raise voice.] The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie is ... [Voice falters.] Okay, seriously, are you alright? You’re drinking at like ... eight in the morning.
Blueblood: It’s morning now? Oh ...
Trixie: You’ve been drinking all night?!
Blueblood: Not all night. Don’t be ridiculous.
Trixie: Oh. Good.
Blueblood: I mean, at some point I had to get up and go to the bathroom. Wasn’t drinking then. [Takes sip.] At least I don’t think I was.
Trixie: Uh ... huh. [Pause.] Are ... are we on the air now?
Blueblood: I dunno, probably.
Blueblood: Well this thing seems to turn off and on when it wants to.
Trixie: Ugh! You must be doing something wrong, then. Machines don’t just do that on their own.
Blueblood: They might if they were set on fire.
Trixie: Oh, oh, that’s real mature! What are you trying to do, make Trixie feel stupid?
Blueblood: No... [Takes sip, slurs.] I’m just saying a stupid thing happened and you were the direct cause. Take from that what you will.
Trixie: ... what ... did you just say to Trixie?
Blueblood: [Slurs.] And another thing, why do you call yourself “Trixie” like that? Trixie this, Trixie that. Are you afraid you’ll forget your name if you don’t? Are you that dense?
Trixie: [Eerily calm.] Say that again.
Blueblood: I didn’t stutter. Let me put this in terms you’ll understand. Blueblood (that’s me) just asked Trixie (that’s you, in case you needed a reminder) if she really is that dense. Then Trixie (that’s you again) asked Blueblood (that’s me) to say that again. Evidently Trixie (you) didn’t hear it right the first time. [Takes sip.] Is that sufficient?
[There is a pause, then Trixie grabs glass and shatters it against a wall.]
Blueblood: Hey! That was only half-empty!
Trixie: I DON’T CARE! [Slams hoof down on the table.] You know, Trixie took this job thinking that you could make her look good. And you know what, you did! Because ANYPONY would look like a saint next to YOU! I almost felt SORRY for you, because I thought I had hurt your feelings by turning you down, that that was the reason you got sauced! But you know what, if this is how you treat somepony, I don’t care! I don’t care because YOU don’t care. You don’t care about anything or ANYPONY but yourself. If you’re drinking yourself into a coma because you’re depressed, you know what, YOU PROBABLY DESERVE TO!
Blueblood: [Shaking with rage.] Oh, and I suppose you think you know everything about me, huh?! And who are you to call me selfish? All you talk about is yourself! If you think I’m that horrible, I suppose that makes us two peas in a pod!
Trixie: Psh! If Trixie was EVER as big a jerk as you, Trixie would throw herself out the window.
Blueblood: Go right ahead, I’ll open it for you! Need a push? You’d probably be too chicken to go through with it otherwise, coward.
Trixie: Oh! Oh, is that what you think? Keep talking. That fire yesterday is about HALF of what Trixie can do to you, you failure!
Blueblood: Oh, really? I doubt that very seriously. You couldn’t even fight an Ursa Minor!
Blueblood: Yeah. Bet you didn’t know I knew that. I looked into it. I know all about what happened in Ponyville. You couldn’t defeat an Ursa Minor and my auntie’s apprentice had to bail you out. You’re all talk! You act like you’re the big hero, but I know that, underneath all that, you’re just ... small. You think I’m a failure? LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
Trixie: [Voice shaky.] You ... you ...
Blueblood: [Softly.] Oh Celestia, are you crying?
Trixie: [Voice cracks.] Just shut up!
Blueblood: I ... oh dear. Listen, I was ... look, I didn’t mean ... here, let me--
Trixie: [Furious.] Get away from me! Forget this! Trixie QUITS! Trixie never wants to see you again!
[Rises from chair, chair clatters to the floor.]
Blueblood: But I ... I’m--
Trixie: Save it! Do the show yourself, oh gallant Prince! I’m--
[Door knocks loudly.]
Trixie: Oh, for Celestia’s sake ... [Yelling.] Whoever it is, go away! We’re busy! Or not home! Or dead! Whatever Trixie has to say to make you go away!
[A great, booming regal voice emerges beyond the door.]
Voice: CLEARLY GREETING ETIQUETTE HAS GROSSLY CHANGED IN OUR ABSENCE! IT WAS ONCE CUSTOMARY TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR A GUEST!
Trixie: Wait ... what?
Blueblood: [Stiffens.] Uh oh.
Voice: It is of little import. Tis our duty to adapt to modern customs. We shall gently allow ourselves in.
[The sound of a horn glowing is heard, followed by the door being shot off its hinges and crashing to the floor.]
Voice: Oh ... pardon. We are having difficulty practicing restraint.
Trixie: [Stammering in shock.] You ... you’re ...
Blueblood: ... auntie Luna?
Luna: Yes, little Prince. But ‘auntie’ is not the only title we bear. Is this the speaking apparatus for this contraption?
Trixie: You mean the microphone?
Luna: Yes, what thou said. [Raises voice, room shakes. Speakers distort.] HEAR ME, CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA. ALL WITHIN THE SOUND OF OUR VOICE, HEAR AND BEAR WITNESS TO THE TRUE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT!
[Speakers distort, loud pop is heard.]
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes Season 2
Third Transcript: The Luna Interview The No-Show Episode
[Music ends after several minutes.]
Octavia: Hello, listeners. Just wanted to give an update on this um ... unconventional situation here. Vinyl is currently on the phone trying to contact the castle and see if we can locate Princess Luna’s whereabouts--
DJ-P0n3: [On telephone.] What do you mean you don’t know where she is?!
Octavia: Which is going swimmingly, as you can tell.
DJ-P0n3: She left already? Well, she sure isn’t here! [Pause.] Yes, I’m sure. [Pause.] Look, I don’t think I’d just overlook a Princess being there or not. [Pause.] Okay, look, can you put Princess Celestia on the phone? [Pause.] Yes, she knows who I am. I made fun of her publicly. We’re like best friends! [Pause.] No, I don’t have any shame, what does that have to do with-- hello? Hello?
[Slams phone down.]
DJ-P0n3: ... nice guy.
Octavia: So ... basically we’re right back where we started. We have no idea where she is. Did we have a Plan B?
DJ-P0n3: “Winging it” is Plan B.
Octavia: Why do I have a feeling that was Plan A too?
DJ-P0n3: Um ... I could ... I dunno ... pretend I’m Princess Luna and you could interview me. [Clears throat, speaks in deeper voice that sounds nothing like Princess Luna.] I AM PRINCESS LUNA. I USED TO LIVE ON THE MOON ... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON.
DJ-P0n3: ... that’s all I got. Can we pad that out to a half hour?
Octavia: [Sigh.] I just don’t understand. Nopony’s ever stood us up before.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah. I mean, nopony but the Prince. [Pause.] Hey ... you don’t ... you don’t think ...
Octavia: [Half-hearted chuckle.] No, no, that’s impossible. He couldn’t have anything to do with this.
DJ-P0n3: Psh! Yeah, t-that’d just be ridiculous. Like he’d ever do anything competent. I mean, look who we’re talking about!
Octavia: [Whisper.] Right.
[Pause, followed by knocking at the door.]
DJ-P0n3: Yeah! See, that’s probably the Princess right now. She’s probably just late because she’s on ... I dunno, lunar time or something.
Octavia: There’s no such thing.
DJ-P0n3: Well, why don’t we ask her?
[Hoofsteps, door opens.]
DJ-P0n3: [Cheerful.] Welcome to the studio, Princess Lu-- you’re not Princess Luna.
[A pegasus with a ditzy voice and a cheerful attitude is at the door, holding a mailbag.]
Derpy: [Confused.] Um ... am I supposed to be?
DJ-P0n3: No, I guess not ... how can I help you?
Derpy: Are you ... [Checks mail bag.] Ms. Vinyl Agatha Scratch?
Octavia: [Yelling in background.] Agatha?!
DJ-P0n3: [Yelling back.] Shut up! [Turns back to Derpy.] I mean ... yes ... yes, that’s me.
Derpy: I have a letter for you.
[Derpy hands DJ-P0n3 a letter held in her mouth.]
Derpy: Thank you for choosing Derpy Express. Have a nice day.
DJ-P0n3: Watch the ceiling!
Derpy: Ouch! Sorry ...
[Wing flapping disappears in the distance, door closes. DJ-P0n3 sits back down.]
Octavia: [Snicker.] Agatha ...
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, yeah, I know! Enough about that. Should we open it?
Octavia: Well ... it’s not like we have anything else planned right now.
[DJ-P0n3 tears letter open.]
DJ-P0n3: [Muttering.] Alright, let’s see here ... ah, it’s from Princess Luna! [Mutters to herself while reading.] “Apologize for such short notice,” yada yada, “with heavy regret,” blah blah, “we shall not be able to grant an audience with thee as previously scheduled ...” Wait, what?!
Octavia: Does it say why?
DJ-P0n3: Hang on, hang on! It’s hard to read with sunglasses! [Pause.] Wait ... [Sudden anger.] Oh, that arrogant little two-faced snake!
DJ-P0n3: [Reading.] “Unfortunately, we have an urgent meeting of a most personal matter to attend to with our nephew, Prince Blueblood.” [Crumples letter.] That jerk! He probably snaked the interview right from under us by lying to the Princess!
Octavia: That ... well, maybe there’s another explanation.
DJ-P0n3: Oh, don’t be naïve! This ... [Frustrated grunt.] Well, I’m not going to take this lying down!
[Vinyl stands up, chair falls over, followed by hoof steps.]
Octavia: Vinyl! W-what are you doing?
DJ-P0n3: Getting to the bottom of this! I’ll be back in a bit! Bail money is under the desk!
Octavia: Wait! What am I supposed to do about the show?
DJ-P0n3: I dunno, do something cute.
Octavia: Something cu--
DJ-P0n3: Be back in a bit. Later, sweetie!
Octavia: [Sigh.] Why do I have a feeling I’m going to end up in court again? [Nervously.] Um ... so ... listeners. Um ... how ‘bout them Wonderbolts? Heh heh ... [Groan.] I have a bad feeling about this.
The Blueblood Tapes
Transcript: The Luna Interview
[Crackling sounds heard over transmission.]
Trixie: ... I think it’s working now.
Luna: Our apologies! We had no idea modern technology could not contain the Royal Canterlot voice. We are sincerely sorry for making thy speakers collapse.
Blueblood: [Muttering.] Kind of day I’ve had, there was a fifty-fifty chance of that happening anyway.
Blueblood: Nothing. [Sigh.]
[Trixie and Blueblood begin whispering to one another.]
Trixie: [Whispering.] You could summon up a bit more enthusiasm, you dolt.
Blueblood: [Whispering.] What do you care? Weren’t you in middle of storming out of here anyway?
Trixie: Trixie is not staying for your sake, if that’s what you think. The Princess showing up is the only interesting thing that’s happened on this show. It would be a disservice to deprive her of a chance to meet with the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie.
Blueblood: [Sigh.] Should have known better ...
Blueblood: Nothing. Forget it.
Luna: [Loudly.] Is this whispering normal? Should we be whispering now also?
Trixie: [Raises voice, overly cheerful.] No, no, of course not.
Blueblood: So auntie ... to what do I owe the pleasure?
Luna: [Hesitates.] Oh. I ... [Cough.] We simply wished to drop in on our nephew. Is that not normal?
Blueblood: Well ... no. I ... don’t get very many visitors. Ever, really. Not even on holidays.
Trixie: [Pause.] Are ... are you being serious?
Blueblood: [Bitter.] What do you care?
Luna: [Clears throat.] Perhaps we should change the subject. Um ... oh! Perhaps, Prince, thou shouldst introduce me to thy ... companion?
Trixie: [Off-guard.] Oh ... I- I’m Trixie.
Blueblood: ... that it? You’re not going to give yourself a grandiose introduction?
Trixie: Huh? Sorry, Trixie just has a lot on her mind right now. [Pause.] Like, seriously? You have no visitors at all?
Blueblood: I really don’t feel like talking about--
Luna: [Overly cheerful interruption.] We are most honored to meet thee, Miss Trixie. We have heard thou art most talented at magic ...
Trixie: How would you know that?
Luna: Oh. Well ... we have listened to thy program. We recall thee speaking of thy magical prowess.
Blueblood: [Perks up.] Wait, wait ... auntie you ... you listen to our show?
Luna: Of course.
Trixie: Yeah, what’s weird about that?
Blueblood: Because the ratings from yesterday showed only two ponies actually heard our show ...
Luna: ... oh.
Trixie: Wait ... does this mean nopony heard Trixie’s grand speech yesterday?
Luna: We did. We enjoyed it. Thou hast a flair for dramatic thunder.
Trixie: Oh. Well. [Chuckles.] Thank you.
Luna: We find it more effective in the outdoors though.
Trixie: Yes. I gathered that much.
Blueblood: But I ... I’m afraid I don’t understand. Why would you listen my show? I mean, honestly, the whole reason I’m doing this is to make my enemies angry ... disregarding the fact I muffed that up too. Why ... why would you, of all ponies, enjoy listening to me? Why are you really here?
Luna: [Honestly confused.] Little prince ... isn’t it obvious?
Blueblood: Well ... perhaps, but I’m notoriously dense.
Luna: Tis not necessary to be so hard on thyself.
Trixie: No ... no, he is kinda.
Luna: We ... [Lowers voice.] I am your aunt. You are family. I have ... not always been a good at keeping family ties. I was a horrible sister ... a horrible ruler ... and I deserved far worse than the punishment I received. I have a second chance ... and I shall not squander it. I wish to be better family than I once was. I listened because thou art my nephew. And I came because I heard thee in pain ... I hear thy voice echo the same loneliness mine once did. What kind of aunt would I be if I ignored it?
Blueblood: I ... [Whisper.] I’ve done nothing to deserve such kindness. Ask anypony. I’m horrible. [Bitter laugh.] I spent all night drinking and shouted at my only friend ...
Trixie: [Pause.] You ... you consider me a friend?
Blueblood: You’re the only pony who ... tolerates me. Perhaps that’s the most I can hope for.
Luna: Prince ... why art thou so sad?
Trixie: Yeah ... this isn’t all because I turned you down yesterday, is it?
Blueblood: No ... that’s not it. It’s all of it ... [Sigh.] I ... know I’m not the best pony alive. I know I’ve even done selfish things ... but it is hard, knowing that every single pony in this kingdom thinks the world would be better off without me. I ... thought I was doing the right thing, something noble, by standing up to that DJ, doing something clever ... and all it lead to was make her mad enough to embarrass me publicly. I got angry and I tried to get back at her. I wanted justice, but that only made everypony hate me more. Heh ... you know, I checked my approval rating not long ago. It’s -1%. Which I’m not even sure is possible since that means less than zero ponies like me, but I’m inclined to believe it. I was never popular before ... after all, I’ve only had one bloody date my entire life and I managed to mess that up too ... but at least then, I had some respect.
[Sadness vanish as anger slowly rises in Blueblood’s voice.]
Blueblood: Now everypony outright hates me. I get shunned, have things thrown at me, get hateful phone calls all the time ... there’s even a foal who hurls a rock through my window every month. A foal doesn’t even like me. And even if I forced him to stop, everypony would just find some reason to hate me for THAT too. I could walk out of the studio now and hand puppies and kittens to every child in Canterlot, and it STILL wouldn’t be enough. My name is less than dirt now, my dignity gone, any self-respect I had ... destroyed. All because of her.
Blueblood: You mean you don’t know?
Luna: No? Should we? We don’t believe thou hast mentioned this ... individual on thy show before.
Blueblood: Oh ... I suppose you wouldn’t know if you only listen to my show. She is the one who ruined my life ... the one who time and time again goes out her way to humiliate me ... she is --
[Loud hoofsteps ascend the stairs.]
DJ-P0n3: [In the distance.] BLUEBLOOD!
Blueblood: [Shocked.] She’s here.
[The hoofsteps get louder until they suddenly stop as DJ-P0n3 stands in the doorway.]
Blueblood: [Filled with venom.] Vinyl Scratch.
Luna: [Surprised.] What?
DJ-P0n3: Alright, Princey, you’ve got something to answer for this-- hey, who blew the door up?
Luna: That ... that was us.
DJ-P0n3: [Cheerful.] Oh, hello Princess Luna. It’s an honor. I feel bad we couldn’t have that interview.
Luna: Wha- oh, we understand now! Thou must be that other radio show host. We apologize that we had to cancel. We--
DJ-P0n3: You don’t have to apologize, Princess. I’m just sorry you were tricked by this ... sorry excuse for a colt!
Luna: ... what?
DJ-P0n3: [To Blueblood.] Bet you thought it was really sneaky, trying to snake an interview out from under me! I don’t know how you did it. My working theory involves hypnosis and ... a room filled with mirrors or something.
Blueblood: [Sigh.] Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t need this right now. Do you think you can destroy my dignity some other time, I’ve had kind of a day--
DJ-P0n3: [Recoils.] Oh Celestia, your breath smells like a sewer! What did you do, drink garbage water and gargle skunk spray?
Blueblood: Not that I know of.
DJ-P0n3: Jeez! You smelt bad enough before! [Shakes head.] But anyway, you must have thought it was a pretty sweet plan, but you’ve got another thing coming if you think I was going to stand for you deceiving one of my guests.
Luna: [Meekly.] Pardon us, but we believe this may be a misunderstanding--
[DJ-P0n3 gives no indication she hears the Princess.]
DJ-P0n3: After all, it must have been a trick. Who would actually CHOOSE to be around you?
Luna: [Raises voice.] Now, see here--
Blueblood: [Bitter.] I don’t suppose many would, after you humiliated me.
DJ-P0n3: You messed with my friend!
Blueblood: You started it when you insulted my auntie Celestia!
Luna: [Anger rises.] Wait ... THOU art the one who interviewed our sister?!
DJ-P0n3: [Seems to hear Luna for first time] Huh? Oh yeah. It was the first show. It was all in good fun.
DJ-P0n3: Uh huh. [Turns back to Blueblood.] And don’t pretend like you’re doing this for Celestia! All you care about it yourself! That’s all you’ve EVER cared about.
Blueblood: [Whispering.] And I suppose you just get everything about me, don’t you?
DJ-P0n3: There’s not much to “get.” You’re just so ... simple. You’re just a mad, angry little colt who cries when he doesn’t get what he wants.
[Luna gives a low growl, mutters something indistinct. In the background, the sky begins to get dark. Lightning can now be heard in the distance. Meanwhile, Trixie steps forward.]
Trixie: What is your problem, you psycho?! Just lay off and go back to your own boring show.
DJ-P0n3: [Mock joy.] Aww, Princey, you made a friend.
Blueblood: Well ... we’re not really--
Trixie: You’re darn right Trixie’s his friend! Nopony insults him but TRIXIE!
DJ-P0n3: [Sigh.] Look, Trixie ... you don’t seem all that bad and I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but ... you’re just wasting your time. He’s completely selfish and he’s just going to hurt you in the end.
Trixie: But not before I hurt you.
[The thunder gets louder. The sky outside gets darker.]
DJ-P0n3: He made my friend cry and locked one of HER friends in the bathroom! This is the pony you’re defending! He can’t even stand up for himself, he has to hide behind you! Why are you defending such a loser?!
[There is a loud thunderclap punctuating Luna’s command. Her eyes glow as the sky outside is covered in black clouds. Luna’s voice echoes with such power, each word seems to hit with concussive force.]
DJ-P0n3: [Shaken.] Um ... i-is there a problem, Princess?
Luna: IN ALL OUR YEARS ... IN ALL OUR MILLENIA OF LIVING ... WE HAVE NOT SEEN SUCH IMPUDENCE ... SUCH LACK OF RESPECT ... SUCH AN INSULT AS THIS!
Luna: THOU DAREST TO INSULT OUR FAMILY BEFORE OUR VERY EYES?!
DJ-P0n3: I ... um ... A-am I missing something here?
Trixie: [Grinning.] Oh, Trixie wish she had popcorn for this.
DJ-P0n3: I ... [Stammers.] But this doesn’t make any sense. You ... Blueblood didn’t trick you into coming here?
Luna: WE CAME OF OUR OWN VOLITION! WE CAME TO COMFORT OUR DEAR NEPHEW AFTER HEARING HOW DISTRAUGHT HE WAS OVER THE RADIO. A STATE FOR WHICH WE NOW KNOW THOU ART TO BLAME!
DJ-P0n3: Hey now, that’s not the whole story--
[There is a loud crack of thunder outside, as if the lightning had struck closer.]
Luna: WE HAD ... REGRETTED HAVING TO CANCEL OUR PRIOR ENGAGEMENT BEFORE ... AFTER ALL, THOU HADST ASKED US KINDLY TO APPEAR ON THY SHOW. WE HAD ASSUMED THOU HADST RESPECT FOR US.
DJ-P0n3: I do have respect for--
Luna: BUT NOW WE FIND OUT THAT THOU HATH CAUSED OUR OWN BLOOD MUCH DISTRESS! THOU HAST LEFT RUIN IN THY WAKE WITH THY WORDS ... AND THOU DOST NOT CARE EVEN SLIGHTLY!
DJ-P0n3: Hey, he started it. I was just--
Luna: THAT ALONE WOULD BE ENOUGH OF AN INSULT ... BUT NOW THOU SAYEST THOU ART THE SAME ONE WHO INTERVIEWED OUR SISTER MONTHS AGO!
DJ-P0n3: Um ... yeah, but what does that have to--
[Thunder strikes outside, the sound of the wind gusting can be heard.]
Luna: IT WAS THEE WHO HUMILIATED OUR SISTER ON THE AIR, CRITICIZING HER, ASSASSINATING HER CHARACTER IN REGARDS TO HER DECISION TO BANISH US!
DJ-P0n3: Um ... well, yeah. That ... did sort of happen. [Confidently.] But so what? Celestia’s a class act, but it wasn’t right of her to do that. Why would you be mad about--
Luna: BECAUSE THOU WERT NOT THERE! WE HAD BEEN CORRUPTED BY THE JEALOUSY AND DISCORD IN OUR HEART. WE HAD BEEN PREPARED TO PLUNGE EQUESTRIA INTO DARKNESS. WE WERE WRONG, WE SPAT AT OUR SISTER’S EFFORTS FOR PEACE, WE WERE SELFISH, MALEVOLENT ... OUR SISTER HAD NO CHOICE! THOU HAST NO RIGHT TO CRITICIZE. SHE PUT THE SAFETY OF EQUESTRIA BEFORE HER OWN FEELINGS. SHE LET US LIVE WHEN WE DESERVED TO FALL! SHE ...
[Luna lowers voice to a whisper. As her voice lowers, the storm outside becomes quiet and stops.]
Luna: She did the same thing we would have. And she had nothing to apologize for ... as much as she may believe now. My sister ... thought she had wronged me, thought she was horrible, all because of that interview. [Quiet anger.] Had we known thou wert the same creature that interviewed our sister, we would never have agreed in the first place.
[There is a pause. DJ-P0n3 struggles to find her words.]
DJ-P0n3: This ... I ... listen, I’m sorry about that. I ... I just wanted to have a good show and I thought somepony, anypony, should say something, ANYTHING about how you were treated. I was ... [Whisper.] I was trying to do the right thing.
Luna: You failed.
DJ-P0n3: [Shaken.] I ... but I wasn’t ... I didn’t ... [Pause.] I ... I have to go ...
[There are quick hoofsteps, as DJ-P0n3 disappears down the stairs.]
Luna: [Takes deep breath.] Whew. We ... might have overdone it a bit.
Trixie: No ... no, Trixie thinks that was just the right amount. Who did she think she is? Right, Princey?!
Blueblood: [Oddly quiet.] Yes ... yes, I suppose.
Luna: [Sigh.] We must learn to control our temper. Justified or not, when we lose control it leads to ... consequences.
Trixie: Like what?
Luna: Nightmare Moon.
Trixie: Oh ... oh, yeah.
Luna: Now ... we must depart! Prince?
Luna: We ... understand how hard it is when one feels shunned by Equestria. We felt lonely ... jealous ... and it led only to darkness ... just ... [Pause.] Remember you are not alone.
Blueblood: [Shakily.] ... thank you, auntie Luna.
[Hoofsteps, followed by the flap of wings.]
Trixie: Well ... that was interesting. Heh, you know, Trixie had no idea that DJ was such a loony. I mean, Trixie knew you said she was a jerk but jeez ... clearly she didn’t recognize she was speaking to the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie! Guess she got what was coming, right Princey?
Blueblood: [Sadly.] Yes?
Trixie: What’s wrong? Your arch-nemesis just got told off by a goddess; you should have a stronger reaction to this.
Blueblood: [Weak smile.] Well, I suppose that was a bit cathartic ... but it doesn’t really change anything. Nopony even listens to this show ... as much as I’m touched my auntie actually cares, I’d be surprised if even one other pony actually heard that. [Sigh.] Tomorrow I’ll still be hated, Vinyl Scratch will still be considered the big hero, and foals will still throw things through my windows ...
Trixie: [Softly.] Hey, you don’t know. Maybe things will get better.
Blueblood: [Bitter laugh.] I sincerely doubt that ... I’ve given up thinking will ever get better for me ... [Darkly.] I just want things to get worse for her. [Pause.] Hey?
Blueblood: Can I ask you something? You were all set to leave me here not long ago. You said I really was horrible ... but you still stood up for me against Vinyl. Why?
Trixie: Oh. Oh! [Dismissively.] Heh, well, don’t get any funny ideas! It’s not as if Trixie cared or anything ... Trixie was just annoyed by her! Nothing more!
Trixie: [Pause.] Besides ... you’re not the only pony who thinks nopony cares about them.
Blueblood: [Slightly amused.] Heh ... this has been an interesting show.
Trixie: Yes ... Trixie supposes. [Defensively.] Hey hey! Don’t smile at me like that! Trixie thinks you’re getting too familiar!
Blueblood: My apologies! [Chuckle.] I suppose Luna was right ... I really am not alone ... I think ... that helps. [Sigh.] This would be a more touching moment if my head didn’t feel like a chariot ran me over, drug me for several feet, then left me in a ditch.
Trixie: That tends to happen when you drink alone all night, you idiot!
Blueblood: Tell you what, next time I’ll invite you.
Trixie: [Playfully.] Hmph! Trixie’s sure she’ll have better things to do ... but she might on the slim-to-nonexistent chance she has nothing to do.
Blueblood: Heh ... I’ll take what I can get. Anyway, I think I’ll leave a bit early today. Hopefully the hangover will go away soon ... or ultimately kill me, one of the two.
[Hoofsteps, door swings open.]
Blueblood: Oh, and Trixie?
Blueblood: Thank you ... for being my friend.
Trixie: [Mock groan.] Don’t be such a sap, Princey.
Blueblood: [Chuckle.] Fair enough ... it’s just ... good to know Vinyl hasn’t made my life completely hopeless ... farewell.
Trixie: [Whispering.] Oh don’t worry, Princey. Vinyl will get her just desserts. Just leave that to the Trixie the Great.
[Sound becomes distorted.]
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes Season 2
Third Transcript: The No-Show Episode
[Due to the radio transmission being distorted by a mysterious storm that suddenly appeared and vanished in Canterlot the day of the recording, much of Octavia’s solo show was not recorded. This transcript resumes roughly fifteen minutes after Vinyl’s exit.]
Octavia: [Resuming midsentence.] -- and then they made Beauty Brass and I clean up all the broken glass before they threw us out. So that’s why we no longer work in a department store. But I liked the bow-tie that came with the uniform, so I’ve always worn it since then. I think it suits me. [Pause.] Well, it appears Vinyl’s still not back yet ... I’m running out of ideas for stories now. I suppose I could call Spitfire, see if she has anything embarrassing about Vinyl to share with--
[Door opens slowly.]
Octavia: Ah, there you are! You missed it, Vinyl. I was sharing embarrassing stories about myself. It wasn’t the same without you hear to appreciate it.
DJ-P0n3: [Quietly.] Oh ... okay.
Octavia: ... something wrong?
DJ-P0n3: No, no, I’m ... I’m fine ...
Octavia: So ... is Princess Luna with you?
DJ-P0n3: No. No, she isn’t. I ... don’t think she’ll be coming back for an interview.
Octavia: What? Are you sure?
DJ-P0n3: Pretty sure, yeah. I’m sorry about that, listeners ... [Whispering.] I’m really sorry.
Octavia: ... okay, what happened? You’re not acting like yourself.
DJ-P0n3: What do you mean?
Octavia: Well, you’re not all ... “ROCK AND ROLL, ELECTRIC GUITAR, PYROTECHNICS, YELLING RANDOM THINGS!” [Lowers voice.] It’s ... strange.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, it’s ... it’s a long story. I’ll tell you later. [Pause.] C-can I ask you something?
Octavia: Um ... yeah.
DJ-P0n3: And I want you to be honest with me.
Octavia: Of course. What is it?
[DJ-P0n3 pauses for a moment, then there is a clattering sound as she places her sunglasses on the desk. She speaks in a soft voice.]
DJ-P0n3: Am ... am I a bad pony?
Octavia: What? What are you ... why are you asking that?
DJ-P0n3: I ... I don’t know. [Pause.] Do ... do you think you’d be comfortable running the show solo again tomorrow? I think maybe I want to take a day off.
Octavia: But ... you never take a day off. Ever.
DJ-P0n3: I know. But ... maybe I should.
DJ-P0n3: [Quietly.] Well, I suppose we’ll just call it a day. Remember to tune in tomorrow for another episode of ... of the Vinyl Scratch.
[Hoofsteps, followed by door opening.]
Octavia: Wait, Vinyl! What’s going on? You forgot to turn off the console! I ... [Clears throat.] Sorry about this, listeners. Tune in tomorrow. Hopefully Vinyl will be feeling better. See you next time. [Yelling.] Hey Vinyl, wait up! What happened?! Vinyl?!
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes Season 2
Fourth Transcript: A Very Special Episode
[What follows is a transcript of episode 2F08, one day following the infamous episode where DJ-P0n3 abruptly left the radio station .]
[Sound of a reel-to-reel tape player being played is heard.]
Octavia: [Recorded message.] Hello, listeners. This is Octavia, here with a pre-recorded message, assuming I’ve figured out how to work this thing right. I know you’re probably expecting to hear Vinyl’s voice right now, saying something completely insane before she tells you this is the Vinyl Scratch.
[A sound of a record being scratched is heard.]
Octavia: [Sigh.] Somehow it’s just not the same ... [Cough.] Unfortunately, that isn’t the case right now. Vinyl is feeling a bit ... unwell. If you happened to listen to that other radio show yesterday, you probably have some idea why. I’d like to go into it right now, but I know Vinyl wouldn’t want to talk about it. She’s always been a bit stubborn, heh.
Octavia: She asked me to do today’s show alone. I asked her what she wanted me to do ... and instead of making a joke like normal, she just said whatever I wanted to do would be fine. And then she just sat there, not saying anything. It took me a while to decide what I wanted to do, but I finally figured it out. I just need some more time to get it together, so today’s episode will be a bit delayed. For now, we’ll just be playing some music.
Octavia: And to anypony who might be listening ... I know things might seem sad right now, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, things never stay that way. There’s always hope. And if Vinyl were herself right now, I think she’d agree. Trust me. [Smile.] I’ll be seeing you all soon enough ...
[Music starts playing.]
The Blueblood Tapes
Transcript: Mail Call
[Crackling sound heard over transmission.]
[Clanking is heard against metal.]
Blueblood: [Exhausted.] Okay then. Either that’s fixed the issue with this console or broken it more. So there’s a fifty-fifty chance I’m simply talking to myself now. Ah well.
[Sound of wrench being thrown to the floor is heard.]
Blueblood: Not too shabby, considering I had to do it all myself. I cannot believe every mechanic I tried to call in hung up on me. Well, all except for the one who had enough etiquette to verbally abuse me before hanging up. [Lowers voice.] Then again ... should I have expected anything different?
Blueblood: [Takes deep breath.] Well ... nevermind that. I should take auntie Luna’s advice. Have to remember I’m not alone ... somewhat ironic to think about that now considering my co-host hasn’t shown up yet. Not sure why, but no matter. Have to remain productive. If I don’t, I’ll just do something stupid that will make everypony hate me more. Should be easy. After all, it’s not as if I’m consumed by thoughts of revenge and spite every waking moment that I know will end in an inevitable self-destructive spiral into darkness and loneliness. [Chuckles nervously.] Because that would be ridiculous.
Blueblood: Well, anywho, I suppose I should attempt to run this radio show professionally. Hello, listeners ... that is to say, probably just Luna. Hi auntie. Now then ... I don’t have a guest today. Or a co-host. Or any kind of plan. [Pause.] I um ... well, there is this one joke I heard. So a griffin, a mule, and a seamstress walk into a bowling alley ...
[There is a knocking at the door.]
Blueblood: Oh, pardon me a moment.
[Hoofsteps, door opens.]
Derpy: Hello there! Are you Prince Blueblood?
Blueblood: Um ... yes. Why?
Derpy: I have a giant bag of fan mail for you. [Grunts.]
[Drops heavy bag of mail on floor.]
Blueblood: [Shocked.] B-but that’s impossible! I hardly ever get any mail! And I don’t have fans!
Derpy: Well, apparently you do, cause they sent mail! [Giggles.] I’m glad you have mail now. Everypony likes mail! Mail makes every pony happy! Well, except bills ... but if ponies only get bills, I just give them muffins and then they’re happy too!
Blueblood: I don’t ... but ... [Speaks softly.] I don’t know what to say.
Derpy: Well, thank you for choosing Derpy Express. I hope you enjoy your mail.
[Flaps wings, sound of head slamming into ceiling.]
[Door is closed. The sound of flapping wings gets quieter as she disappears down the stairs.]
Blueblood: Well ... [Chuckles.] How about that? This was a nice surprise. I can’t remember the time I’ve gotten so much mail. Usually I only get cards from Celestia for my birthday. She was the only one who ever bothered. This is ... wow. [Laughs.] This is such a nice surprise. You know, maybe things are turning around. I mean ... my auntie stood up to Vinyl for me, Trixie is my friend, I finally have some self-respect. Wow. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been in such a good mood. [Cheerfully.] I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment or anything, but nothing can ever go wrong for me from this moment forward.
[Opens bag, tears open letter.]
Blueblood: Let’s read one of these letters, shall we? [Paper rustling.] Ahem. “Dear Prince Blueblood, I listened to your show yesterday.” Yes, viewership is going up! [Continues reading.] “Your aunt made my favorite celebrity in the whole world, Vinyl Scratch, sad.” [Voice slowly becomes sadder.] “I think it was really mean of your aunt. And it was very mean of you to just let it happen. Vinyl isn’t bad at all, the fact it makes you happy to see her so upset just makes me sad for you. Please stop being so mean. Love, Rumble.”
Blueblood: Hehe, that’s ... that’s probably just a vocal minority! After all, I can’t expect everypony to understand. It’s ... let’s read the next one.
Blueblood: “Dear Prince, musicians have to stick together. If you think we should feel sorry for you when you made Vinyl and Octavia feel like crap, you have another thing coming. Love, Lyra. P.S. Stop hiding the existence of humans, I know you and Celestia are just covering it up.”
[Crumples letter, tears another one open. His voice becomes slowly more angry and more unhinged.]
Blueblood: “Dear Blueprick...” [Hurls letter aside, tears open another one.] “Where do you get off...” [Tears letter apart, rips next one open.] “Dear Blueblood, you are the biggest hypocrite the world has ever...” [Crumples it up, opens another one. He’s practically snarling.] “The only reason I listened to your show is because Vinyl said she was coming over to beat you up, I was sorely disappointed she didn’t...”
[Opens letter, pulls out a card.]
Blueblood: [Seething with anger.] This one’s just a card that says “Please die in a fire.” Who wrote this?! [Opens card.] “Hugs and kisses. Love, Mom.” [Dark laugh.] Thanks, mother. Really needed that now.
[Rips card up with telekinesis.]
Blueblood: You ... sickening little worms. You just can’t let me have anything, can you? You just can’t! You think I need you to care about me? Well, I don’t! I never needed any of you! You think that DJ is any better than me?! She’s rotten on the inside. Just like me. Just like all of you! [Knocks chair over.] If it’s the last thing I ever do, when I die and go to Tartarus like you all seem to want, I’ll bring you all down with me! I’ll drag you all down, kicking and screaming, so we can suffer together!
[Blueblood hurls chair against the radio console, audio distortion can be heard. Sound of glass being broken, paper being torn, and things being wrecked and broken can be heard.]
[Pause. Blueblood says nothing for a moment, as if taking it all in.]
Blueblood: [Whispering.] Well, you know what? I don’t have to wait. I don’t have to wait at all. I don’t know why I ever held back, why I ever thought things might get better. No more. No. Now ... now I’m not afraid of getting a little dirty!
[Picks up phone.]
Blueblood: Hello, operator? Get me Stallion Stereophonics...
[Crackling sound is heard over transmission.]
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes Season 2
Fourth Transcript: A Very Special Episode (Cont.)
[Music plays for almost an hour and a half. After the end of one song, transmission resumed instead of transitioning to the next song. According to historical testimony, this was more than likely caused by the reel-to-reel tape player used by Octavia falling on the console.]
[A few moments of silence are followed by the sound of hoof steps. The door is kicked open.]
Trixie: [In a great booming voice.] VINYL SCRATCH! YOUR RECKONING IS HERE, AND HER NAME IS TRIXIE! TIME TO-- hey, where is everypony?
[There is no answer. Trixie is alone, aside from the low sound of discs spinning on a turntable.]
Trixie: Hello? Is any pony here? Somepony come out and appreciate my vengeance!
Trixie: Oh come on! Why is no pony EVER around to see how dramatic Trixie is?!
Trixie: Ah well, no matter. Trixie doesn’t need an audience to enact vigilante justice! Nopony makes fun of my friends but me! Now ... what to do ... [Muttering.] I suppose I could start by running up their phone bill or ... something. Hm, maybe I should have thought of a plan instead of spending all my time planning that entrance ...
[In the distance, a door is slammed, followed by hoofsteps ascending stairs. Voices can be heard faintly in the distance.]
Octavia: [In the distance.] Come on, it’s right up here.
DJ-P0n3: [In the distance.] Octy, I really don’t want to be here.
Octavia: [Getting closer.] It’ll only take a second. I just need your help with one little thing ...
Trixie: Eep! Trixie can’t get caught in the act like this! Not without a plan or spectacular entrance to speak of! I have to hide until I figure out what to do ... and how to curb this sudden compulsion I have to talk to myself!
[Door opens. The sound of Trixie’s horn glowing is heard and objects being moved around. She is presumably out of sight as the door opens and DJ-P0n3 and Octavia enter.]
Octavia: There we go. See? That wasn’t so bad.
DJ-P0n3: [Sadly.] Okay, what did you need my help with?
Octavia: Oh ... I just found something lying around here. I was wondering if you could help me figure out what it is.
DJ-P0n3: Octy ... can’t this wait? You have a show to do, after all. Do you even have a guest for today?
Octavia: You could say that, yes.
DJ-P0n3: Octy ... I’m not ...
DJ-P0n3: I’m not fit to stand behind a mic. I’m no good ...
Octavia: Vinyl, don’t talk like that.
DJ-P0n3: Please, can I just go?
Octavia: [Gently.] Humor me, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Fine ... we aren’t on the air, right?
Octavia: Um ...
[There is a pause. Presumably, Octavia sees the red light on the console, indicating that they are on the air.]
Octavia: [Hesitantly.] N-no, of course not. Let me just make sure.
[Octavia clicks a button on the console. The volume is turned up.]
Octavia: There we go. Now, let me just find that ...
[Sound of papers rustling and items being moved around.]
Octavia: Dear Celestia, your desk is such a mess, Vinyl. I’m surprised there isn’t something alive in there.
DJ-P0n3: [Dejected.] There might be. I dunno.
Octavia: [Perks up.] Ah, found it.
[Octavia picks up something from the desk, brings it to Vinyl.]
Octavia: Tell me, Vinyl, what is this?
DJ-P0n3: ... Octy, what are you talking about? You know what this--
Octavia: Just tell me, what is it?
DJ-P0n3: [Sigh.] A picture ...
Octavia: Of what?
DJ-P0n3: Me ... and you. And Spitfire.
Octavia: Do you remember when it was taken?
DJ-P0n3: Of course I do. It was when we had Spitfire on our show.
Octavia: Do you remember when you heard Spitfire and I talking about you?
DJ-P0n3: Yes. So?
Octavia: [Gently.] I ... used to think so little of you. It’s hard for me to imagine now, but it’s true. Spitfire helped me see that there is good in you. And after we got to know each other more ... I realized that, for all your faults ... I have never met a pony more loyal, honest, and caring.
DJ-P0n3: ... really?
Octavia: Really. [Pause.] I know you’re upset because of all that stuff Luna said, but you aren’t a bad pony. You never were.
DJ-P0n3: That’s sweet of you to say ... but she was right. The way I treated Celestia and my other guests ... that wasn’t a very nice thing to do.
Octavia: You were entertaining. No pony takes it personally.
DJ-P0n3: Blueblood did. Luna too ... back then, when I trashed Blueblood, I was so sure I was doing the right thing. Now I just ... [Quietly.] I don’t even know anymore.
Octavia: He did plenty of horrible things to us first.
DJ-P0n3: Only because you knew me. If it wasn’t for me, none of it would have happened.
Octavia: It’s not your fault, Vinyl!
DJ-P0n3: ... I’m not so sure about that anymore. [Sigh.] I know that you’ll be there for me no matter what, Octy. I’m just not sure I deserve it. I’m glad you think I’m a good pony ... but you might be the only one who actually thinks that.
[Pause, followed by Octavia chuckling.]
DJ-P0n3: What’s so funny?
Octavia: I think our guests might make you feel better about that.
DJ-P0n3: Guests? There’s more than one?
Octavia: Heh, there are a few, yes. [Yells.] Alright everypony! Come in!
[Door pops open, followed by numerous hoofsteps, one after another.]
Frédéric: I must say, Vinyl, you know how to keep a captivated audience waiting.
[Hoofsteps as two more ponies enter.]
Beauty Brass: VINYL! WE HEARD YOU WERE UPSET! IS EVERYTHING OKAY?! DO YOU WANT A HUG? I’M GOOD AT HUGGING! JUST ASK HARPO!
Harpo: [Nods, followed by a wink and a satisfied grin.]
Frédéric: Harpo, how is it possible you can make innuendos without even speaking?
DJ-P0n3: You ... you brought your ensemble just to cheer me up?
Octavia: Not just them.
[The sound of wings flapping is heard.]
Spitfire: Come on, Vinyl, you didn’t think I’d forget my best friend when she needed me, did you? [Chuckles.] That’s pretty stupid of you.
DJ-P0n3: [Laughs while sounding on the verge of tears.] Yeah ... I guess I should have known better. You’re ... you’re a good friend.
Spitfire: And so are you, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Octy ... I don’t understand ... how did you get everypony to come here like this?
Octavia: Simple. I asked. That’s all I had to do.
Octavia: I told them how upset you were and I asked if they could come to help cheer you up a bit. To show you that the ponies who have been on your show don’t hate you or think you’re horrible. To show you that ... well ... you’re really loved. And they all jumped on it without a second thought.
DJ-P0n3: You all did that ... for me?
Spitfire: Of course. Your show was the most fun I’ve had since we were foals.
Frédéric: Yeah. Not to mention you helped us hold a concert after our show got cancelled. You didn’t have to do that.
Beauty Brass: YEAH! IT WAS SWEET OF YOU!
DJ-P0n3: [Perking up.] Yeah ... yeah, I did do that, didn’t I?
Octavia: Vinyl ... the truth is ... you’re the pony I’m closest to. You were there for me when nopony else was. You helped my band--
Octavia: Whatever. You helped us ... you gave Blueblood a piece of your mind the second you found out what happened. You’ve been there for me this whole time. Did you really think I wouldn’t return the favor?
DJ-P0n3: I ... I don’t even know what to say. I ... thank you, Octy. [Pause.] But still, that doesn’t mean Luna wasn’t right. I mean ... what I did to Celestia ... that was awful. She ... probably doesn’t think much of me right now.
Octavia: I thought you might think that. [Shouting.] Come in, Your Highness!
[A door creak is heard, followed by the beating of heavy wings as Princess Celestia glided in.]
Celestia: Hello, Vinyl. It’s been a long time.
DJ-P0n3: [Stammering.] Celestia! I can explain! I’m sorry about everything! There’s no need to feed me to Cerberus!
Celestia: [Chuckles.] Please, Vinyl. You have no reason to fear me.
DJ-P0n3: Well ... I wouldn’t say fear. I am a bit apprehensive considering I did kind of make fun of you on the air after you had, you know, allowed me to have a radio show in the first place. And accused you of banishing your sister to the moon because you couldn’t think of anything else. And wrote a rock opera where you were an immortal serpent god Princess Luna fought and banished to Tartarus. And made fun of your nephew and assassinated his character to the point where Discord has a higher approval rating than him. Anddddd your sister kind of hates me. So yeah. Just a teeny bit nervous.
Celestia: Vinyl, you should know I’m not petty. I try to be very understanding when it comes to my subjects. [Pause.] Immortal ... serpent god?
DJ-P0n3: [Nervous laugh.] I might have exaggerated some details.
Celestia: Well anyway, your friend Octavia asked if I could speak with you. [Chuckles.] You have a true friend there, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah ... yeah, I know.
Celestia: Well ... after hearing what happened, I wanted to assure you I hold no malice towards you. In fact ... well, I thought you had some pretty good points.
DJ-P0n3: B-But Luna said it made you feel guilty and that I didn’t know what I was talking about. She said it was her fault!
Celestia: [Sigh.] Yes, Luna has been a bit hard on herself. As have I. Trust me, Vinyl, you were not the cause of my guilt. I know logically I did what had to be done. But sometimes I would look up at the moon and wonder, maybe if I were able do it all over again ...
Celestia: Well, best not to dwell on it. The point is ... I don’t blame you, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Your sister seems to.
Celestia: Ah yes, I had heard just as much on my nephew’s show. Luna and I had quite a long discussion about that. [Calls in a sing-song voice.] Lunaaa~
[Door opens, there are hoofsteps as Princess Luna walks in.]
DJ-P0n3: Okay, seriously, did you all just take the same train here or something? Is anypony else going to show up I should know about?
[In the background, Trixie sneezes quietly.]
Spitfire: ... did anypony just hear something just now?
Frédéric: Sorry. I was paying more attention to the two immortal god-princesses standing in front of us. Vinyl certainly does having a way of making life anything but ordinary, doesn’t she?
Spitfire: Trust me, you’ll get used to it.
Octavia: Oh. Um ... Princess Luna. I didn’t know you’d be coming.
Celestia: I just thought Luna might have something to say after I explained my thoughts on the matter. [Clears throat.] Don’t you have anything to say, Luna?
Celestia: Luna ...
Luna: [Sigh.] Very well. We ... [Cough.] I mean ... I apologize if I overreacted in regards to my sister. My sister explained the situation in more detail. I was not aware of the concept of ... what did thou call’st it, sister?
Celestia: Political satire.
Luna: Yes, I was unaware of this political satyr thou payest tribute to. She assures me no malice was intended.
DJ-P0n3: Thanks. That ... actually means a lot.
Luna: [Irritated.] However! We shall not apologize for defending our nephew. We still do not think we were wrong.
DJ-P0n3: [Pause.] Yeah. Maybe ... maybe you were right ...
Octavia: Vinyl ...
DJ-P0n3: Well ... I dunno, it’s just I’ve been doing some thinking. You know ... maybe we aren’t so different after all.
Octavia: You never locked somepony in a bathroom.
DJ-P0n3: Well no. [Pause.] Not that I can remember, anyway.
Spitfire: You did lock us in a closet together once.
DJ-P0n3: Yes, but that was for science.
Luna: I do not condone what he did. But we hath all done things we regret. [Quietly.] Some ... more than others.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, I can agree with you there.
Celestia: I must admit, our nephew has much he must learn. He is obviously slightly ... troubled.
Frédéric: If by that you mean he’s completely bonkers, then yes.
Luna: [Irritated.] I would remind you that is my nephew thou refereth to. He is a Prince.
Frédéric: He’s also a loony. He held our friend for ransom on stage. And he didn’t even have the decency to be competent at it. Sorry to say it, but our dear prince is a few strings short of a lute.
Luna: [Confused.] I ... fail to see the significance of this lute thou speakest of. The Prince is no minstrel.
Celestia: It’s a metaphor, Luna.
Celestia: No, that’s ... [Chuckle.] We’ll just go over that later. The point is ... as much as our nephew has done, he is still my nephew. He has much to learn, and I cannot learn his lesson for him. There is good in everypony and I hope that, one day, he shall change for the better.
Octavia: You really believe he will?
Celestia: I have to, Octavia. He is family, after all.
DJ-P0n3: Who knows? Maybe he would have changed ... if it wasn’t for me egging him on.
Octavia: Vinyl, why do you keep beating yourself up like this?
DJ-P0n3: Because ... I used to be so sure of myself. I always thought I knew the right thing to do. But now? I don’t know. I don’t know if my instincts are right, if I’m really all for, you know, “truth, justice, and rock and roll,” or if I’m just a jerk? I don’t ... [Sigh.] I don’t know if I trust myself.
[Octavia says nothing for a moment, then puts her hoof on DJ-P0n3’s shoulder.]
Octavia: [Gently.] Maybe you don’t trust yourself right now, but I do.
Octavia: No, listen. The whole reason I did all this ... I didn’t just do it to cheer you up. I wanted to show you how much I believe in you, just like I know you believe in me. That’s why I worked so hard to bring this all together. Maybe you’ve made some mistakes, but that doesn’t make you horrible. I know you have a good heart and that you learn from your mistakes. And I have all the confidence in the world that you’ll always find a way to do what’s right in the end.
DJ-P0n3: I ... I’m really touched, Octy. I’m not sure what I ever did to deserve somepony like you.
Octavia: [Chuckle.] And you think I’m the one who’s sappy.
Octavia: [Smiles.] See? It’s working. I made you laugh.
DJ-P0n3: [Pauses.] The radio console ... it’s not off, is it?
Octavia: ... no.
DJ-P0n3: We’re on the air right now, aren’t we?
Octavia: [Nervous.] Yeah.
DJ-P0n3: So ... you said all that stuff in front of everypony in Equestria.
Octavia: Pretty much.
[DJ-P0n3 blinks, then chuckles.]
DJ-P0n3: [Softly.] You ... did that for me?
Octavia: Of course.
DJ-P0n3: Thank you, Octy. That was so evil of you ... and I’m glad you did it.
Octavia: Clearly I’ve been hanging around you too long.
DJ-P0n3: Thank you so much. I’m ... I’m just sorry I made you go through all this trouble.
Octavia: You put together a concert just for me in one day once, and you think I went to too much trouble.
DJ-P0n3: Heh ... yeah. Yeah ... but the reason why I did that isn’t because I’m nice or anything.
Octavia: Vinyl, stop saying that about--
DJ-P0n3: No ... I just mean ... [Quietly.] You just always bring out the best in me. I’m ... [Lightly chuckles.] I’m not really sure what I’d be ... without you.
Octavia: That’s ... I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure how I’d be without you either.
DJ-P0n3: [Giggles.] You’d probably be a lot better off.
Octavia: [Flatly.] No.
DJ-P0n3: I’m just joking, Octy.
Octavia: I know. But ... I wouldn’t be better off. I just need you to know that. We’ve ... always been a duet, you know.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah. Yeah, I guess we have.
Beauty Brass: D’AWWW! THAT’S SO ADORABLE. HARPO, ISN’T THAT ADORABLE?
Harpo: [Deadpan.] Aw.
Frédéric: I’m moved by your show of emotion, Harpo. You’re a real bleeding heart.
Spitfire: ... you all are a colorful bunch, aren’t you?
Frédéric: I know. We should take up vaudeville.
Octavia: So ... Vinyl, are you okay now?
DJ-P0n3: I think I will be. I’m still not sure what to do, but I think I’ll be okay.
Octavia: Well, I’m just glad you’re feeling better. At least now you know you have true friends who--
[Sound of tin smashing against a floor is heard, as if somepony burst out of their hiding place.]
Trixie: OH COME ON, ARE YOU STILL GOING ON LIKE THIS?! SERIOUSLY?! Is that what it’s always like around you all? All this ... sugary sweet, lovey-dovey, self-congratulatory horseapples?! [Gags.] Trixie feels like she’s just going to puke listening to you all!
Octavia: ... did you just jump out of our trash can?
Trixie: Nevermind that!
Beauty Brass: SOMEPONY SOUNDS GRUMPY TODAY.
Trixie: [Sarcastic.] Thank you. Very astute, Whoever-You-Are. Getting back to opinions that actually matter ... Trixie had actually--
Spitfire: Wait, who’s Trixie?
Trixie: What? Me! I’m Trixie!
Spitfire: Oh. Why don’t you just say “I” then?
Trixie: Because shut up! All you need to know is my name is Trixie! And you better not pronounce my name without a “Great and Powerful” in front of it! UGH! You are all so annoying! Now then, Vinyl. Trixie had actually come here to give you a piece of her mind! But you know what? Trixie isn’t even going to bother!
DJ-P0n3: [Calmly.] Why?
Trixie: [Quiet seething anger.] I’ll tell you why. Because it just won’t matter. You know what listening to all this ... drivel has taught Trixie?! You think it’s some lesson about love and friendship and all that hippie crap?! No. It’s that you’re all hypocrites. Trixie’s learned that you can do practically anything and everypony will break their backs to make you feel better. But when it comes to Blueblood, was there any second chance? Did anypony ever take his side? No. Because thanks to you, he’ll always be the villain and you’ll always be the hero, at least as far as the herded cattle that listens to your show is concerned. But it’s okay, because he’s “just a jerk,” right? But Vinyl-- [Sarcastic.] “Oh no! She’s so full of herself, but inside she’s a delicate flower! She hires known criminals as security guards to beat up aristocrats and insults ponies on the air all the time, but I’m sure she has good intentions. SOMEONE GET HER A FRUIT BASKET!”
[Trixie blows a raspberry.]
Trixie: Please. Sure, you may have felt bad about yourself for like, what, about twelve hours, but Blueblood is practically a basket case.
Frédéric: Well, glad to see somepony agrees with my assessment--
Trixie: Shut up! [Turns to Vinyl.] You think you can have your minion put this show together, give everypony a warm and fuzzy feeling, and that suddenly makes everything okay? It doesn’t. Nothing’s different. Nothing’s changed, and neither have you. Everypony still hates Blueblood, and even though everypony despises him, it doesn’t hold a candle to how much he seems to hate himself. And that’s supposed to be okay. Because he’s the bad guy. [Scoff.] So much for the “magic of friendship.” So you know what? Forget this. Trixie’s out of here. [Hoofsteps.] Makes Trixie sick.
[It is quiet as Trixie walks out. Door opens, then slams.]
Spitfire: Well ... she seemed ... interesting.
Octavia: [Sigh.] Just forget what she said. It’s not even worth thinking about. Right, Vinyl?
Octavia: Vinyl? [Worried.] Please don’t tell me that’s upset you again.
DJ-P0n3: [Calm.] Hm? Oh ... oh don’t worry. I’m fine. Um ... Octy?
DJ-P0n3: Could you close out the show for us solo again? There’s something I think I have to go do now.
DJ-P0n3: [Chuckles.] Don’t worry, Octy. I know what I’m doing.
Octavia: Are you sure?
DJ-P0n3: Sure as I am about any of the stupid stuff I do. [Laughs.] I’ll be fine. But before I go ...
[DJ-P0n3 clears throat.]
DJ-P0n3: I just wanted to thank you all. You all came just for me ... even you, Luna. Even though I know you don’t like me very much, you still apologized for at least some of the things you said.
Luna: Our sister said thou art a good pony. [Hesitating.] Perhaps ... perhaps she was not wrong.
DJ-P0n3: But ... I just wanted to thank you all for being here. I’m not just saying that for the show or anything but really ... from the bottom of my heart ... thank you.
Spitfire: Wow, Vinyl, I never thought I’d see the day when you’d be modest about something.
DJ-P0n3: Heh, has to be a first time for everything.
Frédéric: It’s always an honor to be here.
Beauty Brass: WE’RE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU, VINYL.
DJ-P0n3: Yeah. I know.
Celestia: I’m glad I could be of assistance as well. It’s always a pleasure to be on the show ... despite what some ponies may think.
DJ-P0n3: But most of all ... Octy?
DJ-P0n3: No pony has ever done anything like this for me before. I just wanted to--
Octavia: Vinyl ... just give me a hug, stupid.
DJ-P0n3: [Laughs.] Hey! You can’t just go and turn my own words around on me like that.
Octavia: I think I just did.
DJ-P0n3: Well ... I’m off. I’ll be back in a little bit.
[Door opens, and closes.]
Octavia: Well, listeners, I think that about wraps it up for today. I’m glad everything was able to get back on track. Tune in tomorrow for ... something. I’m not quite sure. With Vinyl, it’s always unpredictable ... but then, I don’t think I’d have it any other way. See you all next time, everypony. This is Octavia, signing off for ... the VINYL SCRATCH!
Octavia: [Muttering.] Have to admit, that is pretty fun to do. [Raises voice.] Bye everypony!
[Clicks button. Voices start to fade out.]
Octavia: [Whispering in a low voice.] I suppose we have some time to kill for a bit here ... any ideas?
Spitfire: ... anypony have a deck of cards?
Celestia: I do.
Frédéric: I’m in.
Octavia: Me too.
Beauty Brass: ME THREE.
Luna: “Poke-ar?” Can somepony teach us that?
Celestia: Just show me all your cards and I’ll tell you if you win.
Luna: Wouldst that be cheating?
Celestia: [Innocently.] Noooo, of course not. [Giggles.] I must warn you all, when I play, I play for souls.
[Long pause, everypony has a look of sheer horror.]
Celestia: [Chuckles.] I’m kidding!
Octavia: [Nervously.] Oh. Heh, of course. W-we all knew that. Hehe ... let’s deal.
[Voices fade out completely.]
The Blueblood Tapes
Transcript: “It’s Almost Funny, Isn’t It?”
[Crackling sound heard over transmission.]
[Door creaks open.]
Trixie: [Yelling.] Princey? Hey, are you here? Sorry Trixie’s a little late. She was ... attending to some business.
Blueblood: [Quietly.] Ah yes, Trixie. Please, come in.
Trixie: Whoa, this place is a mess. Why is their broken glass and paper everywhere?
Blueblood: I ... had a little trouble with the garbage. [Chuckles.] But that’s not important right now. Trixie ... I have big news!
Trixie: Oh ... [Clears throat.] Um ... you okay? You kinda have that whole ... “crazy look in your eyes” thing going for you right now.
Blueblood: [Cheery.] I’m great! Just perfect! You know why? Because it’s over. Forever. They lose. They all lose. I win. [Bursts out laughing.] I finally win! No more Vinyl Scratch! No more Octavia! No more sleepless nights! I’m so happy I could cry! It’s ... I didn’t think it would ever come, but now that it has ... it’s just so funny! It’s so funny, isn’t it?!
[Cackles some more.]
Trixie: Uh ... huh. Why don’t you take a step back and explain that to Trixie in a way that doesn’t make you seem like a mental patient?
Blueblood: Haha ... very well. I’ll consider this practice for when I reveal the intricacies of my plan to Miss Vinyl Scratch herself! [Chuckles.] It all came to me in an instant. All my plans ... it was all insignificant to this! My one shining moment! [Clears throat.] You may recall that the DJ’s co-host, Octavia, recently signed her and her mediocre quartet to a record label called Stallion Stereophonics.
Trixie: Trixie ... doesn’t recall that.
Blueblood: Huh. I’m certain they mentioned it on their show before. You’ve never listened to them before?
Trixie: Question: does their show have Trixie on it?
Blueblood: Um ... no.
Trixie: Then it clearly wasn’t worth listening to. [Muttering.] Bunch of mushy garbage.
Trixie: Nevermind. So what does that have to do with anything? They have a record deal? So what?
Blueblood: That means they’re under contract with Stallion Stereophonics. They have copyright of any songs they record, can control where they tour, essentially meddle in all of that quartet’s creative affairs. Which wouldn’t be a problem, since that company has a reputation for treating artists fairly ... that is, until now.
Blueblood: As of about an hour ago, thanks to several extremely generous payments made to certain key members of that company’s staff, I am now the owner and CEO of Stallion Stereophonics! That means Octavia and her quartet work for me! You know what that means? I can do whatever I want to them now! If I decided they all had to play kazoos now, I could do that! If I decided their new album must be a polka, I could do that too! I could make their next tour play exclusively in the Everfree Forest, manticores get in free! I can make every horrible, despicably uncreative idea I have a reality and there’s NOTHING they can do about it, because I’ll never in a million years let them out of their contract! Even if they fight me in court, by the time they’re out of it, I’ll have damaged their careers so much they won’t be able to get work playing elevator music in a nursing home!
Trixie: [Shocked.] What? But ... but that doesn’t make any sense! Why attack them? What does any of this have to do with Vinyl?
Blueblood: No, no, you see. That’s the best part. [Cackles like a mad pony.] That’s the best, best part! It doesn’t. I don’t attack her. Not directly. But that’s the beauty of it. She’ll just have to watch. I want her to watch all the hope and promise in her best friend’s eyes twinkle out as I crush her dreams into a fine powder and toss in the wind. I want her to beg me to do something to stop this. I want her to offer K-COLT on a silver platter. I want her to promise me all the world ... and I want to look down and say “Not good enough.”
Trixie: [Genuinely appalled.] Princey ... are you insane?! This ... this isn’t like you. Trixie doesn’t like that DJ either, but don’t you think this is a bit far? Trixie knows you better than anypony. You’re not like this. You’re not THIS bad.
Blueblood: [Dark chuckle.] Everypony thinks I am. Why should I bother arguing with them? Might as well go for broke.
Trixie: This is only going to make everypony hate you even more! You do realize that, right? You’re not THAT stupid, are you? NOPONY is going to like you after this.
[Pause. Blueblood is no longer laughing.]
Blueblood: Nopony ever liked me to start with. I’m tired of caring.
Trixie: [Furious.] I just spent this whole day defending you! To Vinyl! To everypony! And you do this?!
Blueblood: You ... you did?
Trixie: Yeah! Now Trixie wonders if that was the right thing to do after all. [Screaming.] For Celestia’s sake, do you think any of this is actually going to make you happy?!
[Blueblood doesn’t answer. There is a knock at the door.]
DJ-P0n3: [Behind the door.] Hello? Is anypony there?
Trixie: [Whispering.] Go ahead ... if that’s the kind of pony you really want to be.
[Pause. There are hoofsteps as Blueblood walks over and opens the door.]
Blueblood: [Visibly shaken.] Miss Vinyl Scratch. I’m ... I’m glad you’re here.
DJ-P0n3: Really? [Chuckles.] That’s a relief. I’d have thought you’d rather push me down the stairs, than see me.
Trixie: [Bitterly sarcastic.] Yes, because that’d just be horrible. He’d never do that. Right, Princey?
Blueblood: Y-yes. I ... [Clears throat.] What are you even doing here, Miss Vinyl Scratch? Are you here to make fun of me again?
DJ-P0n3: Well ...
Blueblood: [Angry.] Are you here to take away the last drops of dignity I have? Go ahead, you can do it. It doesn’t matter anymore.
DJ-P0n3: Well, I appreciate the invitation, but that’s not--
Blueblood: Because you know what? I have something to tell you. All those times you laughed at me, you’ll see who’s laughing now! Because guess what? I am now the--
DJ-P0n3: I want to be on your show.
Blueblood: --wait. What?
DJ-P0n3: Your radio show. You know, the one you’ve got on now.
Blueblood: [Confused.] Yes, yes I am aware. I um ... this is ... [Whispering.] I don’t understand.
Trixie: Yeah, Trixie’s a little confused too. Did she miss something?
DJ-P0n3: Well ... Trixie, I think you were right. Well, at least a little bit.
Trixie: [Bitterly.] Wait a few minutes, you might think differently.
Blueblood: But ... but, this doesn’t make any sense. Why would you ... why in the world do you want to be a guest on my show?
DJ-P0n3: [Sigh.] Look, Princey ... can I call you Princey?
DJ-P0n3: Princey ... I’ll level with you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what Luna said. I wondered if I actually was the good pony I kept telling myself I was. And ... well, maybe I’m not horrible or mean but ... I think I may have made some mistakes. Let’s be real here ... you acted like a total jerk. But I wasn’t exactly a knight in shining armor either. Maybe we’re not as different as we think. It’s easy just to hate you, but ... [Laugh.] Is that really what the rest of our lives are going to be like? Us trying to hurt each other? Dragging everypony we ever cared about into this? Is that really worth it? Just for a grudge?
Blueblood: [Softly.] I ... I don’t know.
DJ-P0n3: The fact is ... we need to act like adults. You have a show, I want to be a guest on it. It’s on your home turf. You want to make fun of me, you can go ahead and do it. You can insult me, have me at your mercy, and, hey, maybe we can have a little fun. Maybe even move on a little. It’s worth a shot at least. But it’s your decision.
DJ-P0n3: Heh, I’m sorry, I interrupted you a bit ago. What were you going to say?
Trixie: Yeah, Prince ... what were you going to say?
Blueblood: I ... [Long pause.] Is ... tomorrow fine for you?
DJ-P0n3: Sounds good! Welp, see you all tomorrow. I’m gonna go back and have some fun with some friends. Gotta enjoy the little things, right?
Blueblood: [Shaken.] Yeah. Sure.
DJ-P0n3: Well see you. [Hoofsteps.] Also ... you should really get a cleaner in here. The floor here looks really bad. It’s starting to look like my desk at work.
[Door opens, closes.]
Trixie: Well ...
[Blueblood sits down. He says nothing.]
Trixie: You okay?
Blueblood: [Stunned.] All this time ... all this time I wanted to find a way to get revenge and when I finally do ... [Sigh.] It’s almost funny, isn’t it?
Trixie: Prince ...
Blueblood: ... I have some thinking to do. I’ll see you tomorrow. I think it’ll be an interesting show ...
[Crackling sound heard over transmission.]
[To Be Concluded...]
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes Season 2
Fifth Transcript: The Vinyl Scratch & Octavia Interview
[What follows is a transcript of episode 2F09 of the Vinyl Scratch, one day following the episode where Octavia brought all of Vinyl’s friends to the studio and when Vinyl attempted to reconcile with Prince Blueblood.]
[Sound of reel-to-reel tape player being played is heard.]
DJ-P0n3: Goooooood morning, Equestria! The signal is strong! The frequency is just right! The turntable is ready, the records are spinning, the stars are right, the sexual tension is high--
DJ-P0n3: AND IT IS GLORIOUS! It is time for ... the Vinyl Scratch!
DJ-P0n3: That’s right, the original radio show on the original radio station. With the original jerk hosting, the one and only Ravishing Rocker, DJ-P0n3.
Octavia: And I’m Octavia, the one without an alliterative title to speak of.
DJ-P0n3: Well anyway, today’s show is going to be a little bit ... different. That is to say, there isn’t a show today.
Octavia: Don’t worry though, this isn’t like yesterday’s show. Vinyl is feeling fine now ... even if her idea for what we’re doing today is quite outlandish. And by outlandish, I mean completely insane.
DJ-P0n3: It’s not insane at all. I thought it was quite a good idea myself.
Octavia: Yes, but you’re famous for having bad ideas and thinking they’re great.
DJ-P0n3: Name one time that’s happened.
Octavia: Stealing an accordion and having a concert.
DJ-P0n3: ... crap.
DJ-P0n3: Well, anyway. [Clears throat.] Today Octavia and I will be guests on another show. Namely the one hosted by Prince Blueblood and Trixie. [Chuckles.] Now some of you may be wondering why I would want to do this.
Octavia: Yeah, good question. I’m still wondering that myself.
DJ-P0n3: Well, after everything that’s happened the last couple days, I thought maybe we should try to work out our differences. And the Prince agreed ... actually I was a bit surprised by that myself.
Octavia: No kidding. I’m still not entirely sure if he’s being genuine or not.
DJ-P0n3: I mean, it’s worth a shot. I’d much rather try to work things out than, you know, go on hurting each other and all our friends.
Octavia: That’s ... actually quite mature of you.
DJ-P0n3: Well ... [Speaking softly.] I’ve had a lot of time to think the past few days.
Octavia: Well ... okay. I’m still leery about this, but if you think it’s going to be a good idea ... I’ll stand by you. Might as well. I mean, I’m in for the long haul.
DJ-P0n3: Aw, thanks Octy. You’re always there for me.
Octavia: And I always will be.
DJ-P0n3: But anyway, we’re getting off track and this tape recorder only has so much time left on it! I’ve set up this station to just play music the entire morning. If for some reason the automated system fails like yesterday, I have Beauty Brass on standby to fill out the rest of the time by talking about her hopes and dreams or something. You know, filler.
Beauty Brass: I’M HELPING!
Octavia: Alright. So all of you who want to listen to our interview, tune over to frequency 101.2. It should be starting just a few minutes after you hear this recording.
DJ-P0n3: We hope you enjoy it. Until next time, this is the Vinyl Scratch, signing out.
[Tape clicks, music starts playing.]
The Blueblood Tapes
Transcript: The Interview
[Crackling sound heard over transmission. The sound of a wrench clattering to the floor is heard.]
Blueblood: Okay. Okay, I think we’re back on now. I’m getting pretty decent at this.
Trixie: You can’t be that good if the console still keeps breaking.
Blueblood: ... point taken. [Sighs.]
Trixie: ... so?
Blueblood: So what?
Trixie: You’ve been quiet all morning.
Blueblood: You worried?
Trixie: [Scoffs.] Of course not! Trixie’s simply become ... accustomed to your inane yammering. Trixie doesn’t care.
Blueblood: Except you do ... don’t you?
Trixie: S-shut up! As if Trixie would care about anything! [Pause, then lowers her voice.] So ... what are you going to do?
Blueblood: What do you mean?
Trixie: What do you think I mean? You know, about that DJ and Stallion Stereophonics and ... and all of it! You’re not really going to go through with it, are you?! Not after agreeing to this interview, right?
[Blueblood says nothing.]
Trixie: You don’t even know what you’re going to do, do you?
Blueblood: I ...
[There’s a knock at the door.]
DJ-P0n3: [Yelling from behind the door.] Hello?! Princey! We’re here for the thing!
Octavia: [Muttering.] Way to be descriptive there, Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Well, they know what I mean!
[Blueblood takes a deep breath.]
Blueblood: [To Trixie.] Let’s just worry about the interview now, alright?
Trixie: [Angrily.] Just tell me you won’t do it, you idiot! Just tell me you’re not THAT messed up!
[Blueblood says nothing. Trixie gives an annoyed grunt.]
Trixie: [Curtly.] Fine. Don’t answer me.
Blueblood: Just ... play nice, okay?
Trixie: Oh, Trixie will play nice. Because THEY’RE not the ones I’m mad at right now.
Blueblood: Look, Trixie, I--
Trixie: [Aggravated.] Just remember ... whatever you do ... you’re the one who has to live with it.
Blueblood: I know. Trust me ... [Quietly.] I know.
[There are hoofsteps, followed by the door being opened.]
Blueblood: [Awkward.] Um ... hi.
DJ-P0n3: Hey. What up? Can we come in?
Blueblood: I suppose.
[Door shuts, followed by hoofsteps.]
Blueblood: Um ... nice to see you again, Miss Octavia. Um ... things going well with your ensemble?
Octavia: [Bitter.] Yes. We even signed to a record label, despite a few cancelled shows.
Blueblood: Um. Yeah. Yes, I heard.
DJ-P0n3: [Nervous laughter.] Now now, let’s all try to be civil. We’re all adults here.
Trixie: Yes. Trixie is the very epitome of emotional maturity!
Octavia: You do realize you’re saying that while wearing a cape and wizard’s hat?
Trixie: Yes. What’s your point?
Blueblood: Well ... please, take a seat.
[Hoofsteps, followed by the sound of chairs scooting against the floor.]
DJ-P0n3: So, when do we get on the air?
Blueblood: We’re on now. At least, I think so.
DJ-P0n3: Wait ... you mean, you don’t know?
Blueblood: Our console seems to have a mind of its own. I’ve tried everything to fix it and it still seems to work only when it wants to. I’m not even sure if anypony will even hear this entire interview.
DJ-P0n3: Huh. Did you check the back of the console to make sure the plug was in all the way? Like it isn’t loose or anything?
Blueblood: What? Do you think I’m stupid? Of course I’ve checked that!
DJ-P0n3: Are you sure?
Blueblood: Of course I’m sure! Look. [Scoots chair.] I’m looking at it right now and you can clearly see the plug is ... [Long pause.] Oh. Um ...
[Sound crackles for a moment, then is heard in perfect clarity as the plug is secured in the port.]
Octavia: [Amused.] You were saying?
Trixie: [Aghast.] YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME! THAT was the problem the whole time?! You never bothered to check and make sure the plug was connected all the way?!
Blueblood: Well, you didn’t notice it either!
Trixie: That’s beside the point, you giant idiot!
Blueblood: Stop calling me an idiot all the time!
Trixie: TRIXIE WILL WHEN YOU STOP BEING ONE!
Blueblood: Well, how about YOU stop being a nag?!
Octavia: Wow. Get a room, you two.
Trixie & Blueblood: [Simultaneously.] What.
[DJ-P0n3 starts snickering, then covers her mouth with her hooves.]
DJ-P0n3: Okay let’s ... [Stifled laughter.] Let’s just do this.
Blueblood: [Deadpan.] Yes. I agree. Let’s get this train wreck in motion. Allow me to fetch my interview equipment.
[Blueblood plops a bottle of hard cider and shot glasses on the table.]
DJ-P0n3: Um ... is alcohol really necessary for this inter--
Octavia: Huh... I’m okay with this.
DJ-P0n3: Well, I guess that’s not so bad. Just relax and have fun with it. That’s practically all I do, anyway!
Octavia: Though your status as a positive role model is debatable.
DJ-P0n3: Well ... yeah. But still!
Blueblood: Well, I suppose we should get started. [Clears throat.] Hello listeners. Welcome to ... whatever this show is called, I’ve never really made that clear.
Trixie: It’s called “The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie Hour Featuring the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie and Some Other Guy.” That’s you. You’re the other guy.
Blueblood: Uh huh, and when did we decide that?
Trixie: About a few seconds ago, when I just said it. After all, you have to give the star top billing. That’s called marketing.
Octavia: [Sarcastic.] You know, Trixie, I’m just noticing this but ... I think you just might be a teeny bit egotistical.
Trixie: Psh! You have no idea what you’re talking about. Trixie is modest. In fact, Trixie is the most modest. Ever.
Blueblood: Okay, whatever. Welcome to ... this thing. Joining me today are two very special guests. We have with us today, noted cello player and member of a world renowned ensemble, Miss Octavia. [Pours a shot, takes it.] Also, she once knocked several of my teeth out.
Octavia: Very true. May I have some of that?
Blueblood: [Pours shot.] Whatever.
[Shot glass is slid over to Octavia, Octavia takes a drink.]
Octavia: [Happily.] Ooooooh, that’s good.
DJ-P0n3: Yay! Octavia’s gonna get tipsy! This is gonna be a fun afternoon!
Blueblood: Also joining us is noted DJ, radio host, and my worst enemy who is suddenly being nice to me for reasons I don’t entirely understand. Fillies and gentlecolts, Miss Vinyl Scratch.
DJ-P0n3: Glad to be here, Princey.
Blueblood: Well, I suppose I should ask questions. Um ... hm. How are you all?
Trixie: Riveting interview questions there, Princey.
Octavia: Yes, very professional.
Trixie: [Angry.] Hey now! Trixie is the only one allowed to be sarcastic on this show!
Octavia: [Sarcastic.] Really? That’s so reasonable of you.
Trixie: Hey, what did Trixie just say?! Stop that.
Octavia: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Trixie: Grr! [Slams hoof on the table.] Prince! Trixie demands liquor!
Blueblood: Suit yourself. [Pours glass.] Sorta didn’t think you drank.
Trixie: Shows what you know! Trixie shall drink you all under the table! [Picks up glass.] Give me that!
[Trixie drinks the glass. There is a brief pause, followed by the sound of Trixie’s head hitting the desk.]
Blueblood: [Worried.] Trixie!
DJ-P0n3: Whoa! You okay?!
[There is a brief pause, then Trixie raises her head.]
Trixie: [Tipsy sounding.] I’m ... I mean, Trixie’s up. She’s here. She’s ... wow. [Hiccups.] That’s good.
DJ-P0n3: Jeez. You sure you’re alright?!
Blueblood: Perhaps you shouldn’t have anymore, Trixie. You might hurt yourself.
Trixie: You might hurt yourself if you try to tell Trixie what to do! [Snatches bottle, pours another glass.] This is real magic, here. [Drinks.]
DJ-P0n3: [Grabs bottle with telekinesis. Pours glass, takes a sip.]. Mmm. I have to admit, Princey, I didn’t think you’d know how to have fun.
Blueblood: I don’t. But I appreciate the sentiment. [Pours drink.] So I suppose it is time, as the interviewer, for me to ask the intelligent, hard hitting questions. [Pause.] Trixie, ask some hard hitting questions.
Trixie: [Takes sip, slurs.] Don’t ... don’t tell me what to do. I’ll have you know I’m the Great and ... Purpleful Trixie and I won’t be commanded to do ... things. Things OR stuff.
Octavia: Dear Celestia, you only had two glasses. What a lightweight.
Trixie: [Slurring.] Trixie would rather be a lightweight than a fatty like you.
Octavia: [Leaps from chair.] What did you say?
DJ-P0n3: Hey hey, wait a minute. Whoa! Let’s all calm down here. Come on, Octy. Clearly she’s not in her right mind right now.
Octavia: I doubt she was ever in her right mind to begin with.
DJ-P0n3: Aw, come on. There’s no need to start a fight or anything. Let’s just keep that bottle away from you, Trixie.
[The sound of telekinesis is heard as Vinyl scoots the bottle away.]
Octavia: Yes. I shall hold on to it. For safety reasons. [Pause, followed sound of a sip being taken.]
Blueblood: [Deadpan.] Yes. How noble. [Cough.] Well, I suppose it’s up to me then. So ... Miss Octavia, Miss Vinyl Scratch ...
DJ-P0n3: You know, you can just call me Vinyl.
Blueblood: I could, but I won’t. [Takes another shot.] Anyway, Miss Vinyl Scratch, I do have a few questions. Though I must admit, they are of a most unconventional nature.
DJ-P0n3: That’s not a problem! I have nothing to hide!
Octavia: Yes. Being around Vinyl has a tendency to just sort of ... throw everything out in the open anyway.
Blueblood: Heh. Funny you should say that ... that’s sort of what I wanted to ask about.
Blueblood: Let’s be honest here: pretty much nopony actually listens to my show normally. Everypony who is listening is only listening because you told them to.
DJ-P0n3: I don’t really see where you’re going with--
Blueblood: So, pretty much anypony who’s listening already knows a lot about you both. Asking you questions about how you got your Cutie Marks or how you came to be in your current profession would simply be redundant, since almost everypony listening already knows the answers.
DJ-P0n3: Huh. You know, I didn’t think about that. That’s actually a fairly smart observation. So what are you getting at?
Blueblood: Heh. Well, as I recall, Miss Vinyl Scratch, you gave me free reign to embarrass you in this interview.
DJ-P0n3: ... uh huh.
Octavia: [Cheerfully.] Hey Prince. Remember that time I punched you really hard in the face? [Darkly.] Want to have a flashback to that?
DJ-P0n3: [Unfazed.] No no, Octy. It’s fine.
DJ-P0n3: What did you want to ask, Prince?
Blueblood: Well, I mean, since everypony listening already knows so much about you two, surely there must be something you haven’t told anypony. Some secrets that you’ve been hesitant to reveal on the air. Why not reveal something like that to our dedicated audience? What’s something you’ve never told anypony before?
DJ-P0n3: Oh ... hey, that actually sounds like fun!
Blueblood: [Confused.] Wait, what? Seriously?
DJ-P0n3: Okay, I can do that. Octy, you want in on that.
Octavia: I um ... well, I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that ...
DJ-P0n3: Ah, come on. You’d only have to say stuff you’d want to say. It’s not like we’re asking to describe any of the sexy dreams you’ve had--
DJ-P0n3: Oh come on! Everypony does that!
Trixie: [Drunk. Starts giggling.] Any dream with the GREAT and ... PUMPERNICKEL Trixie inevitably becomes sexy by association. [Grabs bottle from Octavia, takes swig.] TRIXIE IS THE NATURAL EMBODIMENT OF THE SEXY! [Hiccups, head hits the table.]
Octavia: ... huh. Well, that happened. Anyway ... [Sigh.] I suppose it couldn’t be that bad. Just let me slip further away from sobriety. [Drinks a sip of cider.]
Blueblood: Alright. So, Miss Vinyl Scratch ... what it is, exactly, that somepony like you keeps secret?
DJ-P0n3: Hmm ... [Thinks for a moment.] Oh, I know! [Fakes being serious and over-dramatic.] By day, I am but a simple DJ. But in the dead of night, I secretly become the masked vigilante known as Mare-Do-Well! Fighting a never-ending crusade against the criminal element... [Fakes crying.] All to avenge the untimely loss of my parents!
Octavia: [Deadpan.] Your parents are still alive. Your mom even baked me cookies once.
DJ-P0n3: No, I mean I literally lost them. When I was three, I couldn’t find where they were in a grocery store for a whole five minutes. [Fakes sobbing.] It was all very traumatic! I JUST HAD TO BE A SUPERHERO!
Octavia: Yeah, superheroes tend to be smart and heroic. You don’t exactly meet the minimum requirements.
DJ-P0n3: I’ll have you know I am very smart! As Mare-Do-Well, I am the most intelligent detective this world has ever-- pfft! [Laughs.] Okay, I’m sorry. I couldn’t say the rest of that with a straight face.
Octavia: [Chuckles.] Ooh, ooh. I have one. [Clears throat.] Um ... well, I suppose I’m never going to hear the end of this but ...
DJ-P0n3: But what?
Octavia: I ... actually kind of like rock and roll.
DJ-P0n3: [Loud gasp.] I don’t even know who you are anymore!
Octavia: [Laughs.] Don’t suppose I’ll ever live that down.
DJ-P0n3: [Softly.] Octy, how long have we known each other? You know me. [Chuckles.] Of course I’ll never let you live it down.
Blueblood: Hey, enough clowning around, I was asking a serious question about--
Trixie: [Lifts head up, slurs.] Hey, hey. Everypony, hey. Trixie has a secret!
Blueblood: Trixie, I was asking them. You don’t have to answer the quest--
Trixie: No no, shut up. This is ... [Hiccup.] This is super important... everypony lean in close.
Octavia: Um ... why do we--
Trixie: Shhhhhh! [Whispering.] Everypony lean in closer...
[Chairs creak more.]
Trixie: I said closer.
Blueblood: Okay, our foreheads are touching yours. It’s not POSSIBLE to get any closer.
DJ-P0n3: [Slyly.] I can think of a way or two.
DJ-P0n3: I’m just kidding. So what’s up, Trixie?
Trixie: [Whispering.] Okay ... so my terrible secret is ... my hat ...
Trixie: It’s ... really pointy. [Hiccups, then giggles.]
[Everypony leans back and groans angrily at Trixie as she giggles.]
Octavia: Well, that was clearly profound. My worldview is indeed shattered.
Blueblood: Ugh. I suppose I should have known better. I knew you all wouldn’t take this seriously.
DJ-P0n3: Alright, alright. I did give you a free pass to embarrass me after all. [Sigh.] There is actually one secret I have.
Octavia: Really? W... what is it?
[DJ-P0n3 lowers her voice. She suddenly becomes more serious.]
DJ-P0n3: You remember way back when we first met? When you first got the job? How I said on the air that Princess Celestia basically made me have a co-host, even though I didn’t want one?
Octavia: Yeah. So?
DJ-P0n3: Well ... that was a lie. Princess Celestia never made me do anything I didn’t want to. I asked her if she’d find one for me.
Octavia: What? I don’t ... but why? I thought back then you acted like you didn’t really need any help.
DJ-P0n3: I didn’t need help. Well, not really. I mean, I know how the console and everything works. I could have done it all myself. I just ... wanted a co-host.
Octavia: But ... why?
DJ-P0n3: Well ... [Sigh.] I was lonely.
Blueblood: [Stunned silence.]
Octavia: ... Vinyl.
DJ-P0n3: Heh ... I never really had anypony to really talk to since Spitfire. I mean, I have fun. I party all the time. But ... still. [Whispering.] Still, sometimes I got kinda lonely. I guess I just couldn’t admit it ... so I never said anything till now. I did hope that I would get a friend out of it ... [Chuckles.] Or at least someone who would listen to me ramble on a bit. But ... I never really thought that it would ever turn out this well. Out of everypony ... I’m glad you were the one I met.
Octavia: I’m ... I’m glad I was too.
[There is a brief paused, followed by Trixie making a gagging sound.]
Trixie: [Slurs.] Jeez, it’s just like a scene from a hokey kid’s book.
DJ-P0n3: Heh, sorry. That kind of thing seems to happen a lot when we’re involved. Didn’t mean to get all sappy on you, Princey. [Pause.] Princey? Blueblood?
Blueblood: Huh? What?
DJ-P0n3: Um ... well ... I just got all sappy on you. I mean, isn’t this the part where you’re supposed to make fun of me? Like ... wasn’t that the whole point?
Blueblood: Oh ... Yeah. I um ... [Unenthusiastically.] Haha, you have feelings, haha. And you’re ... you’re ... ugh. [Whispering.] Forget it.
Blueblood: I ... don’t think making fun of that would be fun anymore.
Octavia: Really? Since when do you have a conscience?
Blueblood: Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t have one. [Bitter chuckle.] Haven’t you been paying attention? I’m horrible. It’s just ... well, I can imagine what it’s like to feel alone. [Hastily adds.] Not that I’ve ever felt like that, mind you. After all, I’m a Prince! Princes ... [Quietly.] Princes never feel lonely. But I can imagine what it’s like ... waking up in the morning with no pony there, feeling like nopony would even notice if you didn’t get up. Maybe everypony would be happier if you didn’t ... feeling like you have no other purpose than to take up oxygen. And never being able to tell anypony, because there’s just no pony else there ...
DJ-P0n3: ... yeah.
[Trixie, in a moment of clarity, opens her mouth and acts like she is about to say something, but then remains quiet.]
Blueblood: I mean, that’s just what I imagine it’s like. Not that I would know. Loneliness is a ... peasant emotion, after all. [Pauses.]
DJ-P0n3: ... Princey?
DJ-P0n3: [Nervous chuckle.] You’re just the warm and cheery sort today, aren’t you?
[Blueblood bursts out laughing for a moment, then covers his mouth.]
DJ-P0n3: [Shocked.] Whoa!
Blueblood: [Clears throat.] What?
DJ-P0n3: [Amused.] Aww, you liked my joke. I can see you’re starting to be drawn into my eccentric charm.
Octavia: I didn’t even know you COULD laugh. I mean, not like that.
Blueblood: [Scoffs.] D-don’t be ridiculous. Clearly you are delirious. [Trying not to snicker.] I didn’t laugh at all.
DJ-P0n3: D’AWW! THAT’S SO CUTE! You’re starting to like us! [Sniffles.] It’s enough to give me the warm and fuzzies!
Blueblood: You must be mentally ill! Simply because I felt somewhat sympathetic doesn’t change a thing. I still hold nothing but contempt for you!
Blueblood: Yes, really!
DJ-P0n3: Uh huh. And yet here we all are. You agreed to have us here after all.
Blueblood: [Pause.] Yes, well--
DJ-P0n3: You could have just said no to all of this, but you didn’t.
Blueblood: [Pause.] That’s true, but still--
DJ-P0n3: And you know what? I think I know why. We’re not so different, you know? I think underneath everything, all you’ve wanted, all you’ve ever really wanted, is not to be lonely. You can try to deny it all you want, but it’s obvious that’s how you really feel. You hurt a lot ... and you did a lot of horrible, stupid things. Heh, trust me. I’ve been there. But the whole reason why I wanted to do this, why I even BOTHERED suggesting it at all, was that I thought that, despite all that, you really do WANT to be good. And ... I think maybe you might have it in you. At least, that’s what I hope anyway.
[Blueblood gives a long pause, then lowers his voice. It sounds filled with regret.]
Blueblood: [Quietly.] You don’t know anything ... you don’t know anything at all. The way I’ve been before, I don’t deserve--
DJ-P0n3: I forgive you.
Blueblood: ... what?
DJ-P0n3: I forgive you. All the stuff that’s happened ... I forgive you. Octy? What do you think?
Octavia: I ... [Sigh.] I’m not really sure if I can forgive you for all of this. You’ve done a lot to me.
Blueblood: ... yes. Yes, I have.
Octavia: But ... [Carefully.] But I suppose, if Vinyl thinks you’re decent enough ... I’m willing to try.
[Long pause, followed by an abrupt interruption.]
Trixie: [Starts laughing.] That’s ... that’s rich. All of that and you know what the best part is? You still don’t know what you’re going to do ... do you, Princey?
Blueblood: [Shaken.] Trixie, clearly you’ve had too much to drink. Maybe it’d be best if you just sit down and be quiet!
Trixie: Oh no. [Hiccups.] No, no no. Trixie knows exactly what she’s doing. Trixie wants to know exactly the kind of pony you really are. Why don’t you tell them your secret?
DJ-P0n3: [Confused.] What is she talking about?
Blueblood: [Sigh.] I suppose I could only run away from this for so long. [Pause.] Yesterday I purchased Stallion Stereophonics. Because of that ... Octavia and her ensemble’s recording contract, their entire career, is entirely within my creative control.
DJ-P0n3: [Stunned.] You’re ... you’re joking, right?
Blueblood: You should know by now I don’t have a sense of humor. [Quietly.] I had done it before ... before all of this. Even when this started, I wasn’t sure exactly what I was going to do. But now I know. It’s about time ... time I gave you what you both always deserved.
Octavia: [Afraid.] You ... you can’t--
Blueblood: Just shut up! Just this once, just this one time, you will all sit down and hear what I have to say!
DJ-P0n3: [Carefully.] Alright, Prince? What are you going to say?
Blueblood: Miss Octavia?
Octavia: [Furious.] What?
Blueblood: It’s time you heard what your ensemble is now obligated to do. You will ... you will play again at Blueblood Theater.
Octavia: ... come again?
Blueblood: As I recall, you had a few shows that ... never came to fruition. It’s about time that was rectified. And one hundred percent of the ticket price will go to you and your ensemble. There is to be no dispute on this.
Octavia: Wait, but weren’t you--
Blueblood: As for your album, when it finally is finished, you will go on a highly publicized tour where no expense shall be spared. And I don’t want a single complaint about any of that. Got it?
Octavia: Yes, but--
Blueblood: Good. Now, since clearly I don’t have time to spend dealing with every little thing involving your ensemble every day, we’ll find time later to revise the contract and ensure creative control is given to some idiot who has that kind of time to waste. Sounds like that fits your description pretty well, doesn’t it, Miss Vinyl Scratch?
[DJ-P0n3 pauses for a minute, then laughs.]
DJ-P0n3: You know, I think it does!
Blueblood: All right then. I’m glad we could come to an understanding. [Pause.] What exactly are you all smiling about?
Trixie: [Hiccups, then giggles.] I knew it. I knew it all along.
Octavia: I ... still can’t believe any of that just happened.
DJ-P0n3: Awww ... our little jerk is growing up right before our eyes!
Blueblood: [Annoyed.] Oh, don’t read too much into this. I simply don’t have the time to invest in properly crushing you anymore. It ... bores me. There was nothing more to it than that. You understand?
DJ-P0n3: Sure, Princey. Sure.
Blueblood: I mean it!
[Trixie laughs. She slurs, but not as much as before.]
Trixie: Trixie always knew you’d do the right thing in the end.
DJ-P0n3: Wait ... you thought that was the right thing? You mean you like us now too?
Trixie: Psh! Of course Trixie doesn’t. You both make me sick. [Dismissively.] But Trixie must admit she derives a certain amount of amusement in watching the next stupid thing you two do. And if you’re ruined, I can’t very well laugh at your idiocy, can I? That’s all. After all, I keep Blueblood around for the same reason.
Octavia: [Muttering.] Jeez, be a little bit more in denial, why don’t you?
Trixie: What was that?!
Trixie: Hey, you better watch your tone before the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie-- hrrg! [Tries to keep herself from gagging.] Ugh ... please fetch the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie something to vomit in so she can then continue insulting you!
Blueblood: Well ... I suppose I don’t have much else planned for this interview. I suppose it’s time to wind the show down. [Pause.] Umm ...
Blueblood: Well ... that’s the thing. I’ve never really ended one of these shows properly before. I mean, I’m not really much of a DJ. I only did this whole thing to annoy you both.
Trixie: Yes! Truly he does not have the showmanship and professionalism of the GREAT and-- hrg!
[Sounds of vomiting.]
Trixie: [Deep breath.] And POWERFUL Trixie ...
Octavia: Ugh! It’s on my hooves!
DJ-P0n3: Yeah, Trixie, we’re never letting you drink again. Just saying.
Octavia: I agree.
Blueblood: I’d have to agree too, yes. [Sigh.] I was never cut out for this job anyway. I was probably better suited for the spice mines. I don’t think I’ll be having another show after this. I think I’ll just settle down and enjoy a much simpler life of managing my media empire. [Quietly.] I suppose you won’t have much of a reason to hang around me anymore, Trixie.
Trixie: [Scoffs.] Don’t be stupid! You’re gonna have to try a lot harder to get rid of Trixie!
Blueblood: [Chuckling.] I suppose I should have known better ... thank you.
DJ-P0n3: And don’t forget something, Prince ...
DJ-P0n3: You never did show up for that interview on my show, did you? [Cheerfully.] You’ll have to return the favor someday, you know. Feel free to drop in anytime. That’d be alright ... right, Octy?
Octavia: I ... suppose. I mean, it’s only right, if we’re able to play at Blueblood Theater again.
Octavia: [Angrily.] And if you apologize to Beauty Brass.
Blueblood: [Confused.] Who? Oh, her! Okay, sure. Yes. Fine. [Pauses.] Not that I’m sorry or anything. Or am past all that contempt or anything.
DJ-P0n3: You know, you don’t have to be in denial all the time.
Blueblood: It’s worked pretty well for me so far. Now then ... how should I end this?
DJ-P0n3: What do you mean? You just, you know ... you just do.
Octavia: [Sarcastic.] Wow, Vinyl, I’m impressed how well you can explain things.
DJ-P0n3: Well, I’m a DJ. DJ’s aren’t well-known because they can explain things. They’re all about, you know, spectacle! That feeling you get when the music is running through you and you can’t help but shake with the sheer power of ROCK!
Blueblood: Well, you two are more suited to this than I am. Why don’t you two end it?
DJ-P0n3: Well ... okay! Why not? [Clears throat.] Well, everypony. I hope you’ve enjoyed this. This probably will be the last episode of ... whatever this show is named.
Trixie: I told you it was the “The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie Hour With--“ oh dear. Still queasy.
Blueblood: Turn the other way if you’re going to puke!
Octavia: Well, whatever it is, we’ve hope you enjoyed it. We certainly did ... in a very roundabout and unexpected way.
DJ-P0n3: It was fun. And we even made some new friends.
Blueblood: Hmph. I wouldn’t say “friends,” exactly. More accurately I’d say “ponies I’d rather not have assassinated anymore.”
DJ-P0n3: We love you too, buddy! And you too, Trixie.
Trixie: [Still sounding queasy.] Ugh ... Trixie feels sick. Somehow this is all somepony else’s fault!
Octavia: [Chuckles.] I do admit, those two are amusing. Maybe having them around wouldn’t be so bad ...
DJ-P0n3: Anyway, it’s time to say goodbye for a little while. But don’t worry. You can always find us on K-COLT, every morning, from now till the end of forever. So, this is DJ-P0n3 ...
Octavia: And Octavia ...
DJ-P0n3: Saying have a great morning and remember ... even when the signals out, the ROCK will always stay with you. Bye everypony!
[That was the last broadcast of the very strange radio station, National Pony Radio. Ironically, this last broadcast was extremely high in ratings, largely due to DJ-P0n3’s influence. However, Blueblood declined to continue the show saying it’s, quote, “not for me.”
Prince Blueblood, to the surprise of many, was better than his word. As promised, he apologized to Beauty Brass and, according to several interviews, she forgave him ... eventually.
According to Octavia, “Beauty Brass yelled at him a bit ... you know, more so than usual. But after all that she forgave him. I think Blueblood’s ears were still ringing at the time, so I’m not exactly sure if he HEARD that part right away. I assume he did at some point, when his hearing came back.”
In addition, he allowed Octavia’s ensemble to play at Blueblood Theater. It was by far the most popular show ever held at the Theater. And, despite the extremely large amount of money earned at the show, Blueblood kept his word and gave all of it to Octavia’s ensemble, as well as some to DJ-P0n3 for helping to manage it all. In addition to this, when Octavia and her ensemble’s album eventually did come out, he used all of his money and influence to promote it. It would eventually become the highest selling album in Equestrian history and Octavia’s ensemble, just as DJ-P0n3 once said, was considered “bigger than Celestia.”
As a result of this, Blueblood’s reputation slowly began to improve. While he was still never exactly universally beloved, hatred for him died down as his actions become more generous and less of a jerk. He was often on “The Vinyl Scratch” and became a friend of the show. Despite this, he still claims that he, Vinyl, and Octavia are not friends and he harbors no affection towards them.
Of course, nopony believed him.
Trixie, never content to stay out of the spotlight long, was a frequent guest on “The Vinyl Scratch” as well ... regardless of whether they had actually invited her on or not. She also resumed her travelling show, putting on magic shows from town to town. The high ratings of National Pony Radio’s last show endeared her some popularity in the populous, which Trixie reveled in. However, Trixie’s true popularity would not come until much later, after the invention of a device known as “television.” This, however, is a story for another time.
She and Prince Blueblood remained friends. Upon reviewing the historical transcripts, it becomes obvious Trixie cared about the Prince and was instrumental in his eventual development. Trixie dismissed all this and still claims that, quote, “The only reason why I’m still around him is because that idiot would probably DIE if he couldn’t bask in the radiance of the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie.”
Nopony believed her either.
Octavia eventually warmed up to Blueblood after he followed through on all his promises. Eventually, she would say that her and her ensemble probably owe a fair amount of success to him. To quote, “If he had never cancelled our show in the beginning, the concert Vinyl threw would have never happened and we wouldn’t have become popular in the first place. At least not as quickly as we did. When he finally stopped acting like a jerk, it just made things even better. I guess I owe him ... in a weird way. Sometimes I kind of feel bad about punching him. Sometimes.”
DJ-P0n3 and Octavia enjoyed a fair amount of financial success from this arrangement, more than enough to have retired from running K-COLT. However, DJ-P0n3 and Octavia did not. They continued to run K-COLT and continued the Vinyl Scratch.
When asked why she continued to do this, DJ-P0n3 said “K-COLT will always be my real home. I’ve met friends there, I’ve grown up there, I’ve had fun there. Even if somepony offered me all the bits in Equestria, I’d never give it up.”
The Vinyl Scratch did continue for a very long time, leaving many more episodes to be transcribed.
And as for Blueblood’s abandoned radio tower, it was eventually sold to another odd pair, leading to the development of another historically significant show...
But that too is a story for another time ...]
... but Vinyl and Octavia will return in
The Vinyl Scratch Tapes: Season 3